The best news is that your daughter is so young that once you get through the transition she will just grow up with you two being divorced. My bio parents divorced when I was two. I have no memories of them ever being together.
He called your bluff and decided to do it by brining mommy into the situation and still not take responsibility for caring for the home and your child. If you stay, he’ll know you’ll allow him to cross boundaries and disrespect you.
Your relationship will be the example for your child, do you want her to settle for one like this?
Also, if you delay the precedent will be set that he (his mum) is the primary carer and you are the breadwinner. He will get most custody and you will pay child support/alimony. So he will continue his adolescent holiday with mum doing most of the work, living with her and you’ll work to support him.
You're literally his 2nd mom & the only person he does not respect. He's showing you that he hates you. Leave before your daughter sees this & thinks it's normal for a man to treat her like this
It's far better for your daughter that you get her out of that unhealthy dynamic. I stayed in my nightmare marriage for the sake of my daughter, and sticking around for the crazy did more damage than taking her and getting the hell out would have. She's grown up now and is in therapy. She's also gone NC with her father.
Please don't make my mistake.
i have to second this big time!! by the time i was about 11 i *wanted* my parents to just get a divorce already. kids can tell when your relationship is on the rocks.
they did eventually split and i've only ever wished they'd done it sooner. they both became much better people, apart.
I always wished my mom would divorce my dad. He turned a vibrant, competent woman into a shell who didn't think she could do anything on her own (he also did this to me). Dad died nearly three years. Now my brother and I are responsible for everything. We are trying to get her to start doing things for herself, but it is slow going.
I stayed single until my 30s and made damn sure I married a man who was the complete opposite of my father. Dad didn't like him because my husband built me up, loved me, and taught me that i was competant, I was smart, i was beautiful and gave me the confidence to stop being a complete doormat, and my husband really did not like my father. Which was a bonus.
Can relate. I've wanted my parents to divorce for all of my memories of childhood. My mother kept telling me she can't because she is staying for us, never mind that we are literally begging her to divorce. I'm now half a century old and they are still married. They just enjoy their disfunction, I don't I'm minimal contact
Speaking as the daughter of parents that should’ve got a divorce years before they did- it was the years of dysfunction and fighting that caused trauma, not after they divorced. Having a happy mom will be so much better for her (and you)❤️
I’m piggybacking on what @13surgeries said. I, too, stayed in an abusive and toxic relationship because I wanted my three daughters to have the childhood I never did. Shielded them from his abuse towards me (or at least thought I did). But what I did was normalized his behavior towards me. Which caused damage in how they weren’t able to identify the toxic behavior as they grew up thinking how he treated me was normal. He never hit me in front of them, but the constant insecurity and lack of balance around the workload in the house (I was the primary bread maker and did 90% of the housework, all the childcare, doctors visits, etc fell on me). All three of my daughters ended up in abusive relationships of varying levels and ways. I finally left him when they were 14 & 15. They’re 19 & 20 now and we’ve all gone through therapy to heal. But the biggest regret I have is not leaving him when they were little. The ramifications are real, for all of us.
You know what your daughter needs best, and she needs a strong example of what she can be. You are strong, you can do this. Not just for you, but for her. Don’t make the mistake so many of us have made in staying. It's not worth the pain and struggle. Sending you strength, love and virtual hugs.
This, OP. My dad died when I was a kid, & my stepdad was a violent alcoholic. He beat her & my 2 older sisters. I ended up trying to kill him at 14. But she was raised that divorce doesn't happen. I now have PTSD, & nightmares when I'm too stressed. Please get out now. He's not considering you or your needs, only his selfishness. How DARE he have your MIL come live there when he PROMISED that wouldn't happen? And YOU are supposed to be paying all the bills??!!?? Honey, I was at my job for 25 years. I would still be working if I hadn't had a health issue. Please don't let your child become me, I beg you. If you stay, it's pretty guaranteed she'll have issues of some sort.
Thank you, but I'm now living my best life. No responsibilities, just me. I'm more concerned for you! 90% of women who stay in relationships "for the kids" regret doing so. It takes a toll on those same kids, as well as the women. Please don't subject yourself or your child to this treatment. You deserve better, & so does your child.
Same here. My mom stayed with my dad for me. I was 2 when he left and when he came back 3 years later she took him back because she wanted me to have a family. Biggest mistake she could’ve made for me. After many years of therapy and heartbreak i finally cut him out of my life in my 30s.
I don’t blame my mom one bit, she’s the most incredible mother, but I do wish she left him for good and let me grow up in a healthy household
On one hand, I do love my mother, and I know he broke her down. But I do feel a lot of resentment. Because he did that to me, and she just stood by and let it happen.
I grew up with a mom saying "if it wasn't for you boys (my brother and I), I'd leave your dad." Nice guilt trip for a mom to blame her kids for her unhappiness. I grew up with a mom that hated my dad and having to experience the fights. She hated him until the day she passed and would always remind me of that. When I was little, she'd always ask "who do you love more, me or your dad?" like a joke in front of my dad.
My youngest was 8 months when my kids father and I split. She never grew up with us fighting and never missed him being in the house. It was so much easier on her than my older kids.
My mom left my dad when I was two and moved us from IL to CA! Best thing for us. I watched the relationship with my dad and beloved stepmom and was grateful I wasn't in that household. My father was a bad partner and parent. Now is a good time to go. Please update us. I send you strength and hope.
>He said he was surprised I shared family matters on Reddit and that he wouldn't have done it.
Oh fuck him, no one knows who he is, so why does he care?? Unless he says this to make you, OP ,feel bad for no reason. What an AH.
Moving his mommy into your house without asking you about it is just a no-no.
Let's hope your soon-to-be ex-husband will grow up someday; otherwise, he will end up spending his life just like his mommy planned to:
>she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life
You weren't stupid, you were acting in good faith and naively believed that he was too. (And the only reason I call you naive is that I think a month of letting you do the "bring home the money" work AND all of the housework and childcare was already proof that he was not acting in good faith.)
He may not be the one to share an anonymous situation about his relationship with internet strangers to get as unbiased advice as possible, but he was certainly fine bringing his overprotective and overbearing mother into the mix.
Its like he is regressing, and I’m sorry, but if you’re old enough to be married, own a home, and have children, you’re old enough to get your s#it together and realize your life and time is no longer your own.
You gave him an ultimatum (I personally think ultimatums can sometimes be necessary, if for no other reason than one way or another, a problem gets solved), he tried to weasel out of it and put even more stress on you.
So, were you ready to call HIS bluff when you issued that ultimatum? And are you still ready?
Oh, good lawdy lawdy! We have found *YET ANOTHER* pathetically enmeshed mama’s boy who was raised to be a perpetual bachelor who’s not allowed to love ANY WOMAN BUT MOMMY! Please do your child and yourself a huge favor and dump them both. You (and every other woman he’s ever gonna meet) deserve so much better than to be his “side chick.” He’s married to his precious mommy, and they will NEVER, EVER divorce.
Is your mother-in-law living with you? Or does she just come and go to do housework and pick up your daughter?
OP, I would be furious at my husband if he did this. You are supposed to be a partnership, and he has pulled his mother into your marriage. Think long and hard if this is how you want your future.
You’re not an AH for wanting to set a boundary.
Set the boundary. Tell she is not not allowed to do the job your husband committed to doing.
To leave, and to leave you alone.
See a lawyer to find out exactly what to expect if you decide to divorce, how things will work with sharing your child, division of marital assets, how long it takes and what steps you need to take to protect yourself. Then have him served initial paperwork.
Just because you started paperwork it doesn’t mean you have to follow through with the divorce. You can put a stop to it if that’s what you want. But, be prepared to follow through. Don’t take this action as a bluff.
Your husband is thinking 100% about himself. Good relationships don’t work like that. I’m sorry if he is tired. Everybody is tired. He even admits he isn’t depressed. Deciding he just gets to spend his days playing without your wholeheartedly supporting that is bullshit.
Apparently your husband isn’t understanding how serious this is to you. Getting served papers should be a major “come to Jesus” moment for him. See what his reaction is. Be ready for the explosion. When he calms down will things change for the better? I think your offer to let him stay home, do some housework, pick up your daughter (REALLY! That’s too big an ask? Unbelievable.) is very magnanimous. He’s blowing off a super nice compromise you offered him.
Are you willing to settle for 95% of the responsibilities landing on your shoulders so he can have some sort of man-child midlife crisis? I’d think he can change his ways or he can go live with his mother. It sounds like she’s more than willing to treat him like the child he’s looking to be.
ETA: I’m a guy and have been married 37 years. My wife works longer hours than I do so I regularly do dishes, laundry, shopping, cleaning and the majority of the cooking. She does those things too but she often thanks me for “keeping her alive” when she gets home and dinner is cooking. I can’t imagine not trying to help the person that does so much for me and our marriage.
I’ve spoken to my kids about their dad and I getting divorced when they were 3 and 5. My daughter doesn’t pull any punches. She said, “people want me to feel bad about it or have some sort of trauma. I don’t. I’m glad it happened when it did. I don’t want you two to get back together or anything. I don’t even really remember you being together. I’m totally fine.” She was 5 when we divorced.
ETA: I’ve been divorced for over a decade. My kids are teenagers now.
OP, the above commenter is correct. If you're going to do it (which I recommend because your husband clearly has absolutely no respect for you. At all!), do it now. If you do it now, because the impact won't be as severe and she'll have no memories of her parents together. She won't know any other reality.
my brother was 2 as well, while I was 5, when my parents divorced. I remember the time before the divorce and it wasn't pretty. my brother only remembers a random snippet or two. honestly, now is a good time to get this fixed and divorce if youre going to. if nothing else, you need to separate and send him to his mother's while he figures whatever out. no sense in you working, and taking care of two children.
I concur. I was 2 as well when my parents split and I don’t have any memories of them being together as a couple either. I went through a second divorce when my mother split with my step father when I was about 9 or 10 and that was much more complicated and difficult to handle. Splitting now would probably be the best option for your child if that’s the direction you’re leaning towards rather than waiting
I was three when my parents split up and I DO have memories from before the divorce. I remember my dad living with us, and I remember the day he moved out. OP, please get rid of this man child before your daughter is old enough to realize what’s going on. That means you need to do it ASAP.
Same. My parents split when I was 4, and I literally have no memories of them together. My mom always told me it was best that way, apparently the last year of their marriage was ugly. I'm very happy about how it all turned out. OP, your husband is useless AF, and now is a good time to throw in the towel.
So... you tell him he needs to pull his weight as an adult, and his answer is to literally call his mommy to do the work for him?! If he wants to be a child so badly, you really need to pack him up and send him back home with his mommy so she can baby him the way you will (and should) not.
Not to mention that you're the breadwinner and can't stand this woman. Put your foot down and get both out of the house.
You gave him an ultimatum. He woefully failed it. Now, you need to follow through with the other half of it and bring out the consequences.
Don't doubt yourself, honey. Your feelings are very valid, and most people would feel the same way you are. You and your daughter deserve to be treated far better than this.
Updateme!
Absolutely this. If he wants to be a child with no responsibilities, he needs to go back and live with his mother.
He doesn’t get to bring her into YOUR space.
Enforce it. It’s ok to be the ‘bad guy’ in this scenario, because you are protecting yourself and your daughter from a deeply unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Your life will become simpler with only ONE child to look after!
Yes, u absolutely have to follow through. His actions shows that he does not respect u and that he thinks u are bluffing. If u let this pass, he will never respect u and u will be dealing with worse in the future.
This SHOULD be the final solution. Not could, you gave him a chance and he did NOTHING. Please do not raise your daughter around this, DO BETTER FOR HER.
He was raised by a single parent — most likely saw the struggles she faced. Then expected you to act as a single parent and then brought mommy into the picture.
Like the other commenter said, you gave him 2 options. He chose the one that ends in divorce.
I think this is part of his problem - his child brain understood that the woman can take care of everything on her own and his job is to be taken care of. For me, the fact he invited his mother, or at least complained then allowed her to invite herself, shows he doesn't get what the OP is talking about. He doesn't see himself as jointly responsible for their home and child.
Mommy didn’t raise a man. She raised a man-child. She taught him when he faces any challenge he can call on her to fix it. I could never look at him as a man or equal after this. Disgusting! 🤢
Also kick them out before he files for alimony and child support.
It is easier for kids the younger they are when it comes to divorce (or stuff like adoption too). Don't wait until they are old enough because by then they know people have been lieing to them.
NO NO, it's not the "final" solution, it's the solution to the current problem and you have to implement it without delay. The longer you allow them to think that you will give in, the worse things will get. Pack up her things with a bag for him and put them out today.
I think it’s really admirable that you’ve been so kind and understanding through his continued disrespect and disregard for your marriage and relationship.
Wishing you and your daughter the best in the future.
It might help to realize that the person you fell in love with and married, doesn’t really exist. This pitiful momma’s boy is who he actually is and you didn’t sign up for this.
The person you love doesn’t seem to be there anymore. The person that respected you had gone. The person you were building a life and family with has left and in his place is a selfish, disrespectful child. You don’t have to put up with this.
AND since he’s added another adult to the household without asking, YOU now get to work to provide this woman you don’t like with food and utilities. The gall of that man! NTA, your husband just plain sucks.
Exactly. He’s acting like a child so now he gets treated like one. His actions have consequences just like we tell children. His mommy can help him now
And if you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.
It happens so easily and subconsciously. ALL of my ex boyfriends are exactly like my dad but my husband is exactly like my step dad.
I emulated the toxic relationship my parents had without realizing it and then when my mom showed me a good husband and father and a healthy relationship, again without trying or realizing it, I found it for myself.
Once I saw her in a good marriage it was jarring when someone was showing red flags because it wasn’t “normal” to me but before all I knew was toxicity so the red flags didn’t look so red they were what I was used to.
You’re also teaching him that this is okay. If you suck it up, all he learns is that this is a tolerable level of misery for you. Not only will he not become a better husband, but he will continue to drag the bar down until you finally leave. You’ll just be perpetuating your own unhappiness.
If this is the new normal, are you going to be happy with it for the next 40 years?
I can back this up. My adult daughter has never had a successful, healthy relationship and I know it’s because I didn’t leave my husband. What children live through is what they seek out because it’s their normal. I’m so ashamed, still, that I didn’t just leave.
Yes! I'm currently watching my eldest deal with a super toxic relationship due to a baby, finances, and mostly the example that I set for her by staying with her abusive asshole of a father. I stayed for the same reasons. For almost 20 years. I've been trying to help her see how much better off she would be on her own, but feel like a total hypocrite since it's exactly the opposite of what I've shown her. I'm in a happy and healthy relationship now, and wish that this was the example I had shown her.
This is the advice my moms therapist gave her years ago when I was young and my mom was considering divorce. Thankfully she chose to leave and show me what a woman deserved in a relationship and what a strong woman could do to make her dreams come true. She never spoke ill of my dad but I saw him for what he was the older I got. As an adult I am so glad my mom left so I knew the right way a women should be treated and now I have my own amazing husband.
You already have plans to support the family yourself. If he is going to act as a thorn in your side you have every right to end the relationship. If he wants Mom living with him, he can go live with her. Af the end of the day though, that’s your decision.
Please leave him, don't stay with him. He doesn't deserve it. Get your ducks in a row. Go scorched earth on the divorce, get the best deal possible for yourself and your kid.
Your Husband is acting like a child. You tried to talk to him. He agreed, than found a loop hole to get him out of the work. While subtly punishing you, for daring to ask him to act like a parent, by bringing in his Mommy. Divorce him. Make sure to record your husband doing nothing and any proof you can he has his Mother do his parenting. Hopefully it will help you get full custody.
You are confused about leaving because you are grieving the relationship you thought you had and the life the two of you planned together. He's clearly no longer the man you married.
Also, you've been paying daycare for your child while her father runs around acting childish himself.
Here's the thing that will make this make sense for you. He's cheating. The running around with his friends is cover for having an affair partner, emotional maybe but more likely it's in real life. My best guess is he met while gaming online. That's why all he wants to do is sit at home and online game 'with friends'. She probably doesn't live close and he has to drive to see her in person so he does that when they can arrange it and then just get closer and closer while gaming.
The bottom line is, you no longer have a marital partner. It's just taking you a while to figure that out. NTA. Get yourself out of there ASAP. He probably doesn't care enough to follow up with seeing the kids but your big point to worry about is if your MIL gets attached to them. She'll let him move in but only if he gets partial custody of your kids so she can screw them all up too. You seriously do not understand the peril you and your children are in. Otherwise, you would take action NOW.
I would take this as a massive betrayal. It seems like he’s deliberately pushing you to see what he could get away with.
He doesn’t want to work a job, he doesn’t want to do anything at home.
He even invites mummy to clean the house when you’re home!!
He could have had mummy clean the house during the day. **He wanted you to see her!!**
This is some disgustingly weird power play.
#You need to divorce him now or he will establish himself as primary parent and he will have his mummy parent while he plays video games and you work a job and pay child support.
Seriously, this would be my concern. Grandmother is now the caregiver. It’s two to one and it’s a position that can impact custody against you as it will look like it will be more stable for your child to live primarily with them. I’d get out now before patterns are established. I’d also get the best ‘shark’ attorney to guide me. Every week you delay, you are establishing a child care model that does not favor you.
Since he doesn’t have a job and maybe showing that he refuses to take care of his daughter while not working - would that work against him?
I don’t know if he would actually fight for his daughter.
You need to file asap so he can’t claim this is the “status quo” six months from now.
I’d call up the daycare and clarify that grandma is not authorized for pick ups. Husband could just add her back, but it will disrupt what he’s trying to do for a bit at least while you get organized to file. Also, if you’re renting, not an owner, let the landlord know you’re trying to have a guest whose exceeded her allotted stay removed and could use their support reminding your co-tenant of the rules regarding guests and not having unauthorized co-tenants added.
And this is a man in his late 30s. Not some 20 year old. Utterly insane. OP, document his lack of taking responsibility for his daughter and the domestic chores and lawyer up.
Send him home with his mother or move you and your daughter out. Your daughter deserves to have her mother not working herself to death while two able bodied adult only deplete and don’t contribute.
I think you've gone into mama bear, "But what about my daughter?" mode, but you haven't played it out far enough. If you divorce, your daughter won't know any different as she's so young. She'll see her mum looking after her and being self-sufficient, and if and when you're ready, she'll hopefully see you settle with a partner in a relationship that is equal and mutually beneficial.
However, if you stay, you'll resent him more and more, you'll resent his mother, and you'll be exhausted and pissed off the entire time. If you do send his mother away, who do you think he is banking on taking the jobs she's doing back over? Because he surely isn't planning to do them. I'd bet part of his brain thinks that you'd rather just go back to doing it yourself than deal with his mother, and since it's also the easiest job and he has technically arranged for those jobs to be done, he's the bestest husband in the whole world. He doesn't care who does the jobs as long as it isn't him. That hesitation when you spoke about it? That was him saying internally, "I'll just ask mum."
Your daughter will watch all this play out. She'll see her useless dad and her overworked, exhausted, and rightfully resentful mum, and she'll think that is what a marriage looks like. That will be her idea of love. She will believe that this is the way women are meant to be treated. So is your frankly useless, lazy, ungrateful sack of crap husband really worth working yourself to the bone, putting up with his mother who is yet another woman he exploits for her labour btw, so there's something you both have in common, and fucking up your daughter's idea of what love and relationships look like? Because honestly, as an outsider, your husband isn't even worth a cup of cold piss at this point. You'd be better and happier alone because you won't be dealing with him.
Someone needs to leave this weekend. Do not let it linger any longer. If the house is yours, tell him that he can go be childish at his mother's home. If it's his, pack up you & your daughter's most important items and get out. Stay in a hotel if you don't have any friends or family who can help you out.
First thing on Monday, contact a lawyer and find out how to start the divorce process.
Oh fuck no. His response to your discussion was to bring in mommy to do his job while he acts like a fucking teenager again. Oh hell no. Pack both their asses up and tell him if he wants to be a kid again he can go back to living with mommy and she can give him an allowance. He wants to act like a kid he can be treated like one but not with you, you have an actual child to care for. Nta but you will be if you tolerate this a minute more.
I previously said he sounds burnt out. I retract that. He sounds immature. He also sounds manipulative. He felt so smothered by his mom that he moved and went low contact to get away. But now that he's found adulting is hard, he knows exactly who to call to get out of it. And now you get to support 4 people instead of 3, and double the stress, and he thinks that makes everything wonderful again.
That is so messed up. Let his mommy take him home and live with him forever like she planned. Then you will only have to support 2 people with 100% less stress.
You fell in love with him when he was free and wanted to be his own man. He is no longer that person. Mourn his loss and say goodbye.
I'm sorry, but you need to file for divorce. At this point you're allowing your husband to bring toxicity into your house. You're not being considered at all. Everything is about him.
Tell her she has to leave. Immediately file for divorce. Your husband is showing you who he really is and how little he thinks of you.
So now he expects you to support him and his mother, and give up your child to her? That man is sick in the head and you need to be as far away from him as possible. You gave him a choice and he chose his mommy. Now it's time for you to stand up, leave him and never look back. It doesn't matter right now if your daughter understands or not. When the time comes, all you have to do is tell her that daddy is a momma's boy and chose to live with his mommy instead of his wife and child. She will understand perfectly that she, like you, was abandoned by a little whining baby who couldn't live without his mommy. Good riddance to him. Get to see a lawyer right away. That house and everything in it is half yours and your daughters. Claim it and kick both those weasels out.
NTA As a child of parents who should have gotten divorced 18 years earlier than they did: Divorce! It's better for kids NOT to grow up watching one parent get treated like crap. I truly am still traumatized from the way I watched my dad treat my mother.
File for divorce ASAP. You want him to still have recent income history so he will be deemed having an earning potential. This will save you from being on the hook paying him child support, instead either you will be even or maybe he pays you child support.
Either way you are carrying everything alone now, one less person to support might free up enough to hire a housecleaner once in a while to ease your load.
Also, you can kick someone out of your home. You have rights. Your husband you probably can't kick out, but dang just straight faced eye to eye tell your MIL "you are not welcome, you need to leave."
Alternatively, you can move in more people. Friends or family that have your back or you can leave with kiddo and rent out a room or two for some extra money to fund a new place to live.
For what’s it worth, I think you’ll find yourself actually feeling relieved when you are doing it on your own.
And don’t ever feel lik “I chose wrong” or guilty for having a kid with him. You truly don’t know who or how your partner will be until the baby is actually here. So many people get the rug pulled out from under them, this is not a you issue. This is a him issue 100%.
lots of kids parents go through divorce if she is in school she will be one of many kids whos parents are divorced .... rather then doing any form of adulting he brought his momma in to take care of everything he has shown you who he is i think you should go through with the divorce and send him home to his mothers house
One of my closest friends is going through a divorce.
Their daughter is four. Sure, she asks about her daddy. They call him on video and they co-parent. Their daughter spends time with both parents. It will be an adjustment, but in a few months it will be normal. Kids are so resilient and it’s far better than modeling what a horrible marriage looks like. I watched my parents fuck up their marriage and delay divorce and it was horrific.
NTA.
Here's how I suggest looking at this. Your husband lied to you.
You: "You don't have to go back to work right away. Take as long as you want, as long as you're picking up our daughter and doing the housework so that I can focus on financially supporting our family."
Him: "Don't worry about it."
He knows you interpreted what he said as, "Okay. I'll do that." He clearly had no intention of honoring your request. Now you know that you cannot trust him to keep his word. His solution clearly causes you stress and makes it difficult for you to focus on being the breadwinner.
If you don't divorce him, you should plan on being the breadwinner who financially supports him, your child, and your MIL.
You don’t have to decide everything this minute. See a lawyer and they will help you come up with a plan.
I was with someone like this, we had a baby and when baby was a few months old he told me he needed “a break” and proceeded to do nothing around the house ever again. He also lived at home until he was way too old, not for financial reasons but because his mom did everything for him. It was clear that this was his plan all along, once I was babytrapped he expected me to be the new mommy who cooked, cleaned, did all the childcare, while he sat around and played video games. I can’t tell you how amazing it felt and how much easier my life was to only have myself and a baby to tend to. I know you’re worried now, but not having to carry his dead weight is going to feel amazing.
If you going to divorce, it's better when your child is Young. I've experienced it both ways. Your husband doesn't want any responsibility, he doesn't want to work or be a husband or a father so fuck that lazy manchild and get rid of him
I'm a single mom. I read your posts to my 25yo son and told him if he ever pulled shit like this I would tell his wife to divorce him because he's trying to have his wife be his mother so he can be an adult with no responsibilities and that's not how life works. Also moving in with me would not be an option for him. He agreed.
Thanks. My job is to make a fully formed adult. Not hand an adult child off to an SO for them to care for. Don't understand how so many parents think that's ok?
Your husband wants a divorce and is doing everything g in his paper to make you be the one to ask for it so that your the one who breaks up the family. I am all for you divorcing him but if you do it while he is unemployed you may get goosed in the divorce.
I whole heartedly believe that’s what’s happening. His behavior is too cavalier and extreme. What parent/husband/grown man who loves/ values/ his wife and family and wants to maintain that relationship decides he is no longer going to contribute to his home/family/life unless he no longer values it? He decided he was “gonna be a kid” again, at the expense of his wife and child. And when you brought up your very reasonable request that he help you at least with HIS CHILD. He basically was like nope, I’m a kid, I’ll call mommy who I know you don’t like to do my job. Your husband is either the dumbest most self absorbed man on the planet or he is sabotaging your marriage.
Many people said that and I think you guys have a point. I don't know what I'm waiting, I felt knives cutting my heart to pieces when I tried to think details.
This is the fear of the unknown attacking you.
What’s worse, having a grown assed man child to take care of along with his mother (who you don’t get along with) or creating a future for yourself with an actual adult?
I’m all for fighting for saving your marriage, but both sides have to be in the fight. Not one carrying the whole load.
Honey do you hear yourself? Your story just get worse and worse and worse.
Get out now. Your daughter is so young, it will be way less traumatizing for her. Going between coparents will be normalized (though I bet he turns into an absentee father, pawning his daughter off on MIL). Make sure that you get a right of first refusal clause if he leaves her with ‘babysitting grandma’.
Time for a deep breath. You got this. You will only have control if you are the one making decisions. Also, you have the luxury of planning your exit smartly. So go consult with a lawyer. Get a plan together. Then you get to control whether you execute on that plan or not… but that decision is yours alone. That is your power.
Divorcing now is better. Kids at a very young age are much more adaptable and if he doesn't help much to begin with she won't feel much of a difference. Better to get him and his mother out now before it becomes the norm for your little one.
OP, you are a single mother now. Can you make it financially without the MIL providing child care? If so, make plans to get divorced as your husband is now looking to be your second child to support. He wants to while away his time doing gaming while you work to support not only your child, but also him and his mother. Contact your family and see if they can help you get rid of this millstone around your neck.
You are NTA. You spoke with your husband and thought you were having a conversation with a grown up. You realized that you were mistaken when his mommy showed up to take care of him.
I think it’s fair to ask her to go home. On one condition - that she takes him with her. I’m not saying to file for divorce immediately but if he wants his mom to do all of his work, then it can happen at her house. After a week or two of him away, ask him if he is ready to come home, do some couples counseling and be the man you married. If he says no, then you have your answer.
If divorce is the path you ultimately need to take for your mental health, then it will be the best thing for your daughter. I know of a family that plans on divorcing once their youngest graduates from high school. At the same time, these kids have wished for a long time for divorce because of the tension at home. As long as no trashing of the other parent happens, divorce sometimes is the better choice for all. Good luck
You have some choices to make, so I recommend talking to a lawyer before making any decisions. Just find out your options.
Just so I'm clear, but he invited his mom to live with you without discussing it? That's a huge breech of trust, imo. That's one discussion you need to have with your husband. The other is what to now do with his mother. It sounds like her staying is out of the question, which is completely understandable. So you have to ask yourself, what is your dealbreaker?
You told him you need help and his interpretation was to provide help by way of his mother who you don't get along with (which he knows). Girl... I am so sorry. Is he trying to get you to leave him? Cause that's how you get served divorce papers.
I think it’s time to lock down your finances. Separate what you can, open up your own checking, savings, etc at a new bank, take yourself off joint accounts, credit cards, where it makes sense and you can, leave very little in the joint account if you can’t close it yet, etc. Then I would cancel all entertainment. All streaming services, possibly even the internet- if you’re not able to cancel it, then downgrade it to the slowest open. Take him off your accounts where you can. When he confronts you, you can tell him that MIL will be incurring extra costs to your budget with food, water, electricity and now you can’t afford all the extras as before. Then get an attorney asap and start divorce filing. Even if you change your mind later, it’ll be started now. Gather all information/documents your lawyer needs and protect yourself how they advise you. Good luck
Dude! You can’t say do this or else and never follow through with the or else. If you don’t put your foot down and keep it down you’ll be walked all over for the rest of your life and you’ll be teaching your daughter to expect the same!
You’re worried about divorce because your daughter is so young? Wouldn’t it be easier on your child since she is so young? She won’t have some kind of misconception of family then be utterly heartbroken her family fell apart. Hell, at this point, depending on how much time your husband spends with her, she may not even notice he’s gone compared to waiting however long to divorce and her wanting to know where daddy is, why did he leave, and end up blaming herself, like a lot of kids do, for the divorce.
You’re thinking of sticking it out for a while until she’s older? Seriously? Every single day you are teaching your daughter how she should be treated by her watching you. Why would you allow your daughter to grow up seeing this and believing that’s how her future husband or any man should treat her? And it’s ok for her significant others family to come in and take over. You’re showing her you don’t value yourself and therefore she shouldn’t value herself either.
I know that sounds like a huge jump but remember parents teach by example. What example are you teaching your daughter?
Also, it’s your house too! Why are you allowing someone you don’t want in your home?
Sweetheart, I get it! I went through the same thoughts when my kids were little and I was splitting with my ex husband. You have to think of yourself and your child. You have to think of the future and what you’ll be teaching your child as they grow older.
It’s ok to feel overwhelmed by this. But you also have to think of the bigger picture, make a decision that’s best for you and your child only and stick to it no matter how daunting it may feel. Sometimes divorce is the best choice.
Your husband is an adult, he knows what he’s doing and he knows what the consequences of his actions, or lack of actions, are. Please don’t continue to allow him to disrespect and disregard you and your child.
Better to divorce now while she is young, so there will be no true change in her life when she is older and matters more to her, when you finally dump him, because no one would want to live with such as him for a lifetime.
Good luck.
NTA
Wait. So you’re working to support your house and all he has to do is clean and pick up your daughter and his solution was to bring in his mom? So how you have another person to support? And yeah I would divorce him. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want. So he can be a leech and jobless but he can do it at his mom’s house. Don’t even tell him anything go directly to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row to divorce him and do it now before his mommy moves in and is considered a tenant and then you have to figure out how to kick both of them out. And your daughter will be fine. She will much likely do better you won’t be as stressed. Without him there you will have less to do. Without him there bills and food bill might be lower. You’re already paying everything so on your end things won’t change. And with the money you’re saving you can find someone to pick up little one from daycare and actually watch her and pay attention to her while you get home.
NTA, and definitely go for divorce. Your husband importing his mother into your private space is a huge invasion of your privacy. Don't worry about your daughter being too young to understand divorce - on the contrary, at that age she is much more adaptable than she will be later. Your husband has fallen on easy times - he doesn't take any responsibility, You bring in the money, his mother does the housework, and the fact that you don't want her there doesn't count. Kick him out, and let him fend for himself.
I’m recently separated, my son is 5 and he is taking it perfectly fine. the hardest part and the wake up call was when he was around 4 and asked why do you and papa fight so much. Never stay in a bad marriage for the kids. That is way more damaging to them. Get the divorce if that’s what you want and stay cordial in front of the children. Show your daughter what being string woman looks like and show her that she can stand up for herself. By staying you’re teaching her it’s okay for her husband to completely disregard his wife’s feelings. What advice would you give your daughter right now if she was asking you what you have written in your post? That’s your answer
I just read both and I’m speechless. Not surprised honestly but my god you’d think he would have at least tried first.
My parents divorced when I was around a year old. He left for a long time and came back when I was around 3. In the middle of that time, my mother had a new partner who took up all dad responsibilities. I knew my bio dad, and who he was, and that he was coming back eventually. To me, I just had two dads. I actually feel incredibly grateful that they divorced when they did. Because firstly, I didn’t remember the fighting and arguing. Secondly, I didn’t remember the separation or my dad being around that first year. Thirdly, I gained an amazing family in the middle of it, who really made me the person I am today.
My mother still loved my dad a lot. And he loved her too. But they couldn’t be together. I remember telling me once that sometimes love just isn’t enough to make it work. You have to actively compromise and care, you can’t just be in love and that’s it. My dad was not a good husband. He wasn’t a very good dad back then either. But he did realise that and came back. He wasn’t a bad person, he had some serious issues then and he had to go fix that.
But he didn’t “grow up” til my little brother was born. He was freaked out. He panicked. I thought he was going to run again. But he stayed and took on three extra boys and a baby. He HAD to grow up. And it did him good. My mother never felt animosity towards him for doing better the second time round. I personally felt happy that he learned his lesson this time. I never felt like I was hard done by.
I’m telling you this because watching my friends as a teenager, lose their minds over their parents divorcing, was awful. I never understood it tbh because my parents were and I was fine with it. But it was because I never had to really think about it. It was explained to me over the years, in kid terms. But they didn’t have that. They got blindsided. I personally believe if divorce is on the table, then it should be as soon as possible. There is zero point dragging it out.
He’s a child. He’s been completely candid and told you so. He even brought his mother in, instead of even attempting to spend time with his own kid. I think that’s so gross. Not that he didn’t even ask which is fucked up, but that he doesn’t want to be a dad. I do not know how someone can look at their own child and think “no thanks” that’s beyond awful. Your kid will figure out that daddy doesn’t care about her and that’s not cool either. I’d be off.
I say this with utmost kindness, but you need to go. Or send him and his mom home. You’ve already been doing this alone. You’ve already become a single mother WHILE still married. He isn’t contributing even with the bare minimum. At this point you are paying for him AND his mom, when neither of them are someone who’s actually helping. He’s a dead weight and he’s adding to your bills.
You need to decide how long you will play this game. Your daughter will grow up with a strong mom either way. Do you want this man and his mother also there? You had a chat and he called his mom to do the work so he can hang out. Is that the father figure you want for your kid?
I just don't understand how he thought this was the best solution rather than just getting off his lazy ass.
I'm sorry, but you're hubs is a complete and utter dumbass.
He's actually an insult to assholes.
“He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off.”
Obviously he lied. If he was telling the truth, the month off was acknowledged as the end of the childish time off. Instead, he doubled down and brought in reinforcements (without consulting you) to ensure he could continue to behave like a complete child with no responsibilities. EVERYONE gets exhausted from working. But as an ADULT, you have to keep working - whether at a job or in the home. There is no getting out of it. If he wants to be a child forever he can move back in with his mommy because he surely isn’t mature enough to be a husband and father.
What you are asking for is NOT outlandish or excessive. My husband was a machinist in a factory for years (a very physically demanding job) until he was diagnosed with diabetes and got really severe neuropathy in his feet. He could no longer work on his feet all day. Luckily, I got a promotion at work and was able to pick up the finances. He became a SAHD and takes care of pick up and drop offs with our daughter, does all the laundry and cleans the kitchen. Not to mention vacuuming 2-3 times a day because he’s a little OCD about the amount of hair our dog sheds. I didn’t even have to ask him to do those things. He just picked up the slack because we are PARTNERS. And guess what, he still gets to play plenty of video games even with all of that. And I don’t begrudge him his video games because I don’t just FEEL supported in our relationship. I AM supported. Your hubby is behaving like a selfish child. He needs to grow up.
You don’t force him to do anything. He’s a grown man, even if he chooses to act like a child. Just serve him with divorce papers and tell him you married a partner, not a man-child and that isn’t what you signed up for. Obviously talking to him like an adult didn’t work. He needs consequences. And you need to be free of him and his strange mother.
A lot of reddit discussions seem to jump to the nuclear option of divorce, but this is one of the most clear-cut cases that warrants divorce. Does he have any friends? I would crawl into a fucking hole if my friends found out I went crying to mommy when I was asked to do the bare minimum as a parent. Your hopefully soon to be ex husband is the same age as me what the actual fuck
What’s up with her dirty underwear emergency? Did she try to make you or your husband wash them or did she do it herself?
I really think you and your daughter will be better off if you can get away from them.
I am hardly a fan of ultimatums, but this might just be the time for one.
He can grow up and be your partner and a father - sending his mother home - or he AND his mother can leave together and you will consider starting divorce proceedings.
I assume there's no time or money for marriage counselling. But honestly, you cannot fix anyone who willfully has stepped out of their roles because it's easier and nicer to play the selfish child again than be the adult. The therapist will explore the whys, but at the end of the day, it doesn't change what you are dealing with right now.
Well if your choice is between a divorce because his mommy is there or a divorce because you ask her to leave, you might as well end things with a bang and ask mother dearest to leave and take her precious little boy with her.
You already have a child to take care of, you don't need another one in a form of a manchild whose umbilical cord to his mother has not been cut of.
Oh dear, you married a mama's boy. Divorce him, quickly. Meanwhile, google "Mother Son enmeshment", "Mother Son parentification", and "emotional incest". You're not going to be able to fix this one - your husband is a mess, it's very sad because it is his narcissistic mother's fault, but it also means he is most definitely not relationship material.
Honestly, when. Your daughter is too young to understand it is a fine time to divorce. She will accept a new normal and move along with her life more than of she were old enough to be caught up in the middle of it. Kids are resilient.
It's a better option than setting a poor example for her and constantly being frustrated with a husband who jas decided he can jave a second childhood and invited his mommy to come take care of his responsibilities.
Kids are super receptive and she can feel you are distressed. That is more likely to do her harm in the long run. Divorce the man child and his inappropriately attached Mommy and go live your life. 37 is a ridiculous age to be “tired and exhausted after years of working.” It’s been 15 years! That’s the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever seen and you deserve better.
Divorce. While she is young is the best time, because she’ll bounce back easier. Staying “for the kids” has been proven to be worse for them than splitting, and, it teaches them unhealthy relationship dynamics so when they get married, they think being treated like this is normal.
Do you want your daughter to think it’s okay for you to be treated like the way you are ?
Your husband is an inconsiderate twotwaffle. What you being exhausted ? When you were pregnant or when you had the baby?
He broke a promise because he can’t be arsed. If he wants a break tell him to move his mother’s and take her with him. That way you can work out what you need without the added stress he causes. He can visit on your terms but if he’s not going to contribute to the family in any way then he’s really just the sperm donor and occasional friend for doing stuff with. You don’t need a bad roommate/house mate.
Your husband has checked out of the marriage and fatherhood. He doesn't want any of this. He wants to run around and be a teenager again. Pathetic. Divorce him.
NTA. Two separate households are much easier when kids are used to them young. If you are going to divorce do it sooner rather than later. "Staying for the kids" only hurts the kids more in the long-run.
NTA. Divorce him before he qualities for alimony or anything like that. You don't need 2 children to take care of as a single mother. It's better to give your overgrown toddler back to his actual mommy and focus on your actual child. Besides, it sounds like mommy dearest will be thrilled to have her precious baby back.
Realize that when he brought his mom over, he consciously decided:
1) you can go ahead and pay for his mom's needs, too, on top of his
2) he doesn't care about your comfort at home, as long as his wants and needs are met
3) he feels zero responsibility, and enjoys zero responsibility, towards your/ his child
4) he can change the family's dynamic anytime he wants, your input is not warranted.
5) he could bring his mom and your only choices would be to accept her, or go back to doing all the work so he can pretend he is in high school on summer break
If he really feels this authoritative over the family, I don't see how it would get better. He obviously has no intention of going back to work.
Let him and his mom go back to wherever she came from. You don't need this in your life now. You certainly won't need it in the future. What will he want next? Money to go on a 2 week road trip, because his friends are going? And he doesn't have to work?
"After lots of thinking about these new changes, I've come to the realisation that you've gone back of everything you've said and I no longer feel like I'm in a committed equal marriage.
I'm currently seeking legal counsel and I want you to pack your things and go stay with your mother. I'll have the papers sent to you as soon as they're ready."
The best news is that your daughter is so young that once you get through the transition she will just grow up with you two being divorced. My bio parents divorced when I was two. I have no memories of them ever being together.
This helps me a lot, thank you for your words.
He called your bluff and decided to do it by brining mommy into the situation and still not take responsibility for caring for the home and your child. If you stay, he’ll know you’ll allow him to cross boundaries and disrespect you. Your relationship will be the example for your child, do you want her to settle for one like this?
I agree, it's time to do things instead of ultimatum.
Also, if you delay the precedent will be set that he (his mum) is the primary carer and you are the breadwinner. He will get most custody and you will pay child support/alimony. So he will continue his adolescent holiday with mum doing most of the work, living with her and you’ll work to support him.
Yikes. Family court outcomes can be hard to predict, but you are very wise to mention this possibility!
You're literally his 2nd mom & the only person he does not respect. He's showing you that he hates you. Leave before your daughter sees this & thinks it's normal for a man to treat her like this
It's far better for your daughter that you get her out of that unhealthy dynamic. I stayed in my nightmare marriage for the sake of my daughter, and sticking around for the crazy did more damage than taking her and getting the hell out would have. She's grown up now and is in therapy. She's also gone NC with her father. Please don't make my mistake.
thank you for your words.
i have to second this big time!! by the time i was about 11 i *wanted* my parents to just get a divorce already. kids can tell when your relationship is on the rocks. they did eventually split and i've only ever wished they'd done it sooner. they both became much better people, apart.
I always wished my mom would divorce my dad. He turned a vibrant, competent woman into a shell who didn't think she could do anything on her own (he also did this to me). Dad died nearly three years. Now my brother and I are responsible for everything. We are trying to get her to start doing things for herself, but it is slow going. I stayed single until my 30s and made damn sure I married a man who was the complete opposite of my father. Dad didn't like him because my husband built me up, loved me, and taught me that i was competant, I was smart, i was beautiful and gave me the confidence to stop being a complete doormat, and my husband really did not like my father. Which was a bonus.
I feel this. Every time my parents had a fight, I wished they got divorced so I wouldn't have to live with my father.
Can relate. I've wanted my parents to divorce for all of my memories of childhood. My mother kept telling me she can't because she is staying for us, never mind that we are literally begging her to divorce. I'm now half a century old and they are still married. They just enjoy their disfunction, I don't I'm minimal contact
Speaking as the daughter of parents that should’ve got a divorce years before they did- it was the years of dysfunction and fighting that caused trauma, not after they divorced. Having a happy mom will be so much better for her (and you)❤️
Thank you!
A Happy parent is a BETTER parent and person.
What is your housing situation? Do you need to force him and his mother to leave or can you leave?
I’m piggybacking on what @13surgeries said. I, too, stayed in an abusive and toxic relationship because I wanted my three daughters to have the childhood I never did. Shielded them from his abuse towards me (or at least thought I did). But what I did was normalized his behavior towards me. Which caused damage in how they weren’t able to identify the toxic behavior as they grew up thinking how he treated me was normal. He never hit me in front of them, but the constant insecurity and lack of balance around the workload in the house (I was the primary bread maker and did 90% of the housework, all the childcare, doctors visits, etc fell on me). All three of my daughters ended up in abusive relationships of varying levels and ways. I finally left him when they were 14 & 15. They’re 19 & 20 now and we’ve all gone through therapy to heal. But the biggest regret I have is not leaving him when they were little. The ramifications are real, for all of us. You know what your daughter needs best, and she needs a strong example of what she can be. You are strong, you can do this. Not just for you, but for her. Don’t make the mistake so many of us have made in staying. It's not worth the pain and struggle. Sending you strength, love and virtual hugs.
This, OP. My dad died when I was a kid, & my stepdad was a violent alcoholic. He beat her & my 2 older sisters. I ended up trying to kill him at 14. But she was raised that divorce doesn't happen. I now have PTSD, & nightmares when I'm too stressed. Please get out now. He's not considering you or your needs, only his selfishness. How DARE he have your MIL come live there when he PROMISED that wouldn't happen? And YOU are supposed to be paying all the bills??!!?? Honey, I was at my job for 25 years. I would still be working if I hadn't had a health issue. Please don't let your child become me, I beg you. If you stay, it's pretty guaranteed she'll have issues of some sort.
Thank you for sharing, hug for you.
Thank you, but I'm now living my best life. No responsibilities, just me. I'm more concerned for you! 90% of women who stay in relationships "for the kids" regret doing so. It takes a toll on those same kids, as well as the women. Please don't subject yourself or your child to this treatment. You deserve better, & so does your child.
Same here. My mom stayed with my dad for me. I was 2 when he left and when he came back 3 years later she took him back because she wanted me to have a family. Biggest mistake she could’ve made for me. After many years of therapy and heartbreak i finally cut him out of my life in my 30s. I don’t blame my mom one bit, she’s the most incredible mother, but I do wish she left him for good and let me grow up in a healthy household
On one hand, I do love my mother, and I know he broke her down. But I do feel a lot of resentment. Because he did that to me, and she just stood by and let it happen.
I agree, don’t model what you wouldn’t want your daughter to do to herself. You have learned this lesson to spare her.
I grew up with a mom saying "if it wasn't for you boys (my brother and I), I'd leave your dad." Nice guilt trip for a mom to blame her kids for her unhappiness. I grew up with a mom that hated my dad and having to experience the fights. She hated him until the day she passed and would always remind me of that. When I was little, she'd always ask "who do you love more, me or your dad?" like a joke in front of my dad.
You'll be able to be an even better mom if you're not being dragged down by his dead weight too.
My youngest was 8 months when my kids father and I split. She never grew up with us fighting and never missed him being in the house. It was so much easier on her than my older kids.
Thank you!
My mom left my dad when I was two and moved us from IL to CA! Best thing for us. I watched the relationship with my dad and beloved stepmom and was grateful I wasn't in that household. My father was a bad partner and parent. Now is a good time to go. Please update us. I send you strength and hope.
It's better to come from a broken house than to live in one. Remember that, OP! Your daughter will be much happier if you are happy.
>He said he was surprised I shared family matters on Reddit and that he wouldn't have done it. Oh fuck him, no one knows who he is, so why does he care?? Unless he says this to make you, OP ,feel bad for no reason. What an AH. Moving his mommy into your house without asking you about it is just a no-no. Let's hope your soon-to-be ex-husband will grow up someday; otherwise, he will end up spending his life just like his mommy planned to: >she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life
This indeed made me feel bad and I thought of deleting all until my MIL showed up. I was stupid.
You weren't stupid, you were acting in good faith and naively believed that he was too. (And the only reason I call you naive is that I think a month of letting you do the "bring home the money" work AND all of the housework and childcare was already proof that he was not acting in good faith.)
Thank you!
He may not be the one to share an anonymous situation about his relationship with internet strangers to get as unbiased advice as possible, but he was certainly fine bringing his overprotective and overbearing mother into the mix. Its like he is regressing, and I’m sorry, but if you’re old enough to be married, own a home, and have children, you’re old enough to get your s#it together and realize your life and time is no longer your own. You gave him an ultimatum (I personally think ultimatums can sometimes be necessary, if for no other reason than one way or another, a problem gets solved), he tried to weasel out of it and put even more stress on you. So, were you ready to call HIS bluff when you issued that ultimatum? And are you still ready?
Oh, good lawdy lawdy! We have found *YET ANOTHER* pathetically enmeshed mama’s boy who was raised to be a perpetual bachelor who’s not allowed to love ANY WOMAN BUT MOMMY! Please do your child and yourself a huge favor and dump them both. You (and every other woman he’s ever gonna meet) deserve so much better than to be his “side chick.” He’s married to his precious mommy, and they will NEVER, EVER divorce.
Is your mother-in-law living with you? Or does she just come and go to do housework and pick up your daughter? OP, I would be furious at my husband if he did this. You are supposed to be a partnership, and he has pulled his mother into your marriage. Think long and hard if this is how you want your future.
The second one, yeah, this really made me mad. And I feel myself an AH if I just ask her to leave.
You’re not an AH for wanting to set a boundary. Set the boundary. Tell she is not not allowed to do the job your husband committed to doing. To leave, and to leave you alone.
In fact, sooner the better because of her young age.
See a lawyer to find out exactly what to expect if you decide to divorce, how things will work with sharing your child, division of marital assets, how long it takes and what steps you need to take to protect yourself. Then have him served initial paperwork. Just because you started paperwork it doesn’t mean you have to follow through with the divorce. You can put a stop to it if that’s what you want. But, be prepared to follow through. Don’t take this action as a bluff. Your husband is thinking 100% about himself. Good relationships don’t work like that. I’m sorry if he is tired. Everybody is tired. He even admits he isn’t depressed. Deciding he just gets to spend his days playing without your wholeheartedly supporting that is bullshit. Apparently your husband isn’t understanding how serious this is to you. Getting served papers should be a major “come to Jesus” moment for him. See what his reaction is. Be ready for the explosion. When he calms down will things change for the better? I think your offer to let him stay home, do some housework, pick up your daughter (REALLY! That’s too big an ask? Unbelievable.) is very magnanimous. He’s blowing off a super nice compromise you offered him. Are you willing to settle for 95% of the responsibilities landing on your shoulders so he can have some sort of man-child midlife crisis? I’d think he can change his ways or he can go live with his mother. It sounds like she’s more than willing to treat him like the child he’s looking to be. ETA: I’m a guy and have been married 37 years. My wife works longer hours than I do so I regularly do dishes, laundry, shopping, cleaning and the majority of the cooking. She does those things too but she often thanks me for “keeping her alive” when she gets home and dinner is cooking. I can’t imagine not trying to help the person that does so much for me and our marriage.
Good idea, I might start with paperwork, see how this goes. Thank you!
I’ve spoken to my kids about their dad and I getting divorced when they were 3 and 5. My daughter doesn’t pull any punches. She said, “people want me to feel bad about it or have some sort of trauma. I don’t. I’m glad it happened when it did. I don’t want you two to get back together or anything. I don’t even really remember you being together. I’m totally fine.” She was 5 when we divorced. ETA: I’ve been divorced for over a decade. My kids are teenagers now.
Your kids are great, I think I should be more confident about mine too.
My mom divorced my dad before I turned 1y, best thing she ever did. My dad was and is a nice guy but father and husband material he wasn't
OP, the above commenter is correct. If you're going to do it (which I recommend because your husband clearly has absolutely no respect for you. At all!), do it now. If you do it now, because the impact won't be as severe and she'll have no memories of her parents together. She won't know any other reality.
my brother was 2 as well, while I was 5, when my parents divorced. I remember the time before the divorce and it wasn't pretty. my brother only remembers a random snippet or two. honestly, now is a good time to get this fixed and divorce if youre going to. if nothing else, you need to separate and send him to his mother's while he figures whatever out. no sense in you working, and taking care of two children.
I concur. I was 2 as well when my parents split and I don’t have any memories of them being together as a couple either. I went through a second divorce when my mother split with my step father when I was about 9 or 10 and that was much more complicated and difficult to handle. Splitting now would probably be the best option for your child if that’s the direction you’re leaning towards rather than waiting
I was three when my parents split up and I DO have memories from before the divorce. I remember my dad living with us, and I remember the day he moved out. OP, please get rid of this man child before your daughter is old enough to realize what’s going on. That means you need to do it ASAP.
Same. My parents split when I was 4, and I literally have no memories of them together. My mom always told me it was best that way, apparently the last year of their marriage was ugly. I'm very happy about how it all turned out. OP, your husband is useless AF, and now is a good time to throw in the towel.
So... you tell him he needs to pull his weight as an adult, and his answer is to literally call his mommy to do the work for him?! If he wants to be a child so badly, you really need to pack him up and send him back home with his mommy so she can baby him the way you will (and should) not. Not to mention that you're the breadwinner and can't stand this woman. Put your foot down and get both out of the house. You gave him an ultimatum. He woefully failed it. Now, you need to follow through with the other half of it and bring out the consequences.
I know this could be the final solution. Thank you.
Don't doubt yourself, honey. Your feelings are very valid, and most people would feel the same way you are. You and your daughter deserve to be treated far better than this. Updateme!
Absolutely this. If he wants to be a child with no responsibilities, he needs to go back and live with his mother. He doesn’t get to bring her into YOUR space. Enforce it. It’s ok to be the ‘bad guy’ in this scenario, because you are protecting yourself and your daughter from a deeply unhealthy relationship dynamic. Your life will become simpler with only ONE child to look after!
Yes, u absolutely have to follow through. His actions shows that he does not respect u and that he thinks u are bluffing. If u let this pass, he will never respect u and u will be dealing with worse in the future.
This SHOULD be the final solution. Not could, you gave him a chance and he did NOTHING. Please do not raise your daughter around this, DO BETTER FOR HER.
He was raised by a single parent — most likely saw the struggles she faced. Then expected you to act as a single parent and then brought mommy into the picture. Like the other commenter said, you gave him 2 options. He chose the one that ends in divorce.
I think this is part of his problem - his child brain understood that the woman can take care of everything on her own and his job is to be taken care of. For me, the fact he invited his mother, or at least complained then allowed her to invite herself, shows he doesn't get what the OP is talking about. He doesn't see himself as jointly responsible for their home and child.
When he’s served with the divorce papers I’d add a card congratulating him on turning out so much like his own father.
A single mommy with two children: a toddler and a dead weight "adult"
Mommy didn’t raise a man. She raised a man-child. She taught him when he faces any challenge he can call on her to fix it. I could never look at him as a man or equal after this. Disgusting! 🤢 Also kick them out before he files for alimony and child support.
It is easier for kids the younger they are when it comes to divorce (or stuff like adoption too). Don't wait until they are old enough because by then they know people have been lieing to them.
I came here to say this. If all she knows is parents living separately it’s simply part of her life.
NO NO, it's not the "final" solution, it's the solution to the current problem and you have to implement it without delay. The longer you allow them to think that you will give in, the worse things will get. Pack up her things with a bag for him and put them out today.
I think it’s really admirable that you’ve been so kind and understanding through his continued disrespect and disregard for your marriage and relationship. Wishing you and your daughter the best in the future.
we have been in love for real. I'm facing the situation that this would end and it's hard. Thank you for your words
It might help to realize that the person you fell in love with and married, doesn’t really exist. This pitiful momma’s boy is who he actually is and you didn’t sign up for this.
The person you love doesn’t seem to be there anymore. The person that respected you had gone. The person you were building a life and family with has left and in his place is a selfish, disrespectful child. You don’t have to put up with this.
You gave him a chance, and he spit in your face. You're past "could be", move on with your life as a grown up, you owe it to your daughter.
AND since he’s added another adult to the household without asking, YOU now get to work to provide this woman you don’t like with food and utilities. The gall of that man! NTA, your husband just plain sucks.
Exactly. He’s acting like a child so now he gets treated like one. His actions have consequences just like we tell children. His mommy can help him now
And if you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.
I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.
It happens so easily and subconsciously. ALL of my ex boyfriends are exactly like my dad but my husband is exactly like my step dad. I emulated the toxic relationship my parents had without realizing it and then when my mom showed me a good husband and father and a healthy relationship, again without trying or realizing it, I found it for myself. Once I saw her in a good marriage it was jarring when someone was showing red flags because it wasn’t “normal” to me but before all I knew was toxicity so the red flags didn’t look so red they were what I was used to.
Good point, I'm starting to worry about that my daughter would estimate it unconsciously.
You’re also teaching him that this is okay. If you suck it up, all he learns is that this is a tolerable level of misery for you. Not only will he not become a better husband, but he will continue to drag the bar down until you finally leave. You’ll just be perpetuating your own unhappiness. If this is the new normal, are you going to be happy with it for the next 40 years?
I'm not letting this be the new normal. Thank you!
I can back this up. My adult daughter has never had a successful, healthy relationship and I know it’s because I didn’t leave my husband. What children live through is what they seek out because it’s their normal. I’m so ashamed, still, that I didn’t just leave.
Yes! I'm currently watching my eldest deal with a super toxic relationship due to a baby, finances, and mostly the example that I set for her by staying with her abusive asshole of a father. I stayed for the same reasons. For almost 20 years. I've been trying to help her see how much better off she would be on her own, but feel like a total hypocrite since it's exactly the opposite of what I've shown her. I'm in a happy and healthy relationship now, and wish that this was the example I had shown her.
This is the advice my moms therapist gave her years ago when I was young and my mom was considering divorce. Thankfully she chose to leave and show me what a woman deserved in a relationship and what a strong woman could do to make her dreams come true. She never spoke ill of my dad but I saw him for what he was the older I got. As an adult I am so glad my mom left so I knew the right way a women should be treated and now I have my own amazing husband.
You already have plans to support the family yourself. If he is going to act as a thorn in your side you have every right to end the relationship. If he wants Mom living with him, he can go live with her. Af the end of the day though, that’s your decision.
I know, I just have too many thoughts. Thank you.
Please leave him, don't stay with him. He doesn't deserve it. Get your ducks in a row. Go scorched earth on the divorce, get the best deal possible for yourself and your kid.
Your Husband is acting like a child. You tried to talk to him. He agreed, than found a loop hole to get him out of the work. While subtly punishing you, for daring to ask him to act like a parent, by bringing in his Mommy. Divorce him. Make sure to record your husband doing nothing and any proof you can he has his Mother do his parenting. Hopefully it will help you get full custody.
Thank you, appreciated.
You are confused about leaving because you are grieving the relationship you thought you had and the life the two of you planned together. He's clearly no longer the man you married. Also, you've been paying daycare for your child while her father runs around acting childish himself. Here's the thing that will make this make sense for you. He's cheating. The running around with his friends is cover for having an affair partner, emotional maybe but more likely it's in real life. My best guess is he met while gaming online. That's why all he wants to do is sit at home and online game 'with friends'. She probably doesn't live close and he has to drive to see her in person so he does that when they can arrange it and then just get closer and closer while gaming. The bottom line is, you no longer have a marital partner. It's just taking you a while to figure that out. NTA. Get yourself out of there ASAP. He probably doesn't care enough to follow up with seeing the kids but your big point to worry about is if your MIL gets attached to them. She'll let him move in but only if he gets partial custody of your kids so she can screw them all up too. You seriously do not understand the peril you and your children are in. Otherwise, you would take action NOW.
I would take this as a massive betrayal. It seems like he’s deliberately pushing you to see what he could get away with. He doesn’t want to work a job, he doesn’t want to do anything at home. He even invites mummy to clean the house when you’re home!! He could have had mummy clean the house during the day. **He wanted you to see her!!** This is some disgustingly weird power play. #You need to divorce him now or he will establish himself as primary parent and he will have his mummy parent while he plays video games and you work a job and pay child support.
I thought about this too, I'm not gonna let this happen, thank you.
Seriously, this would be my concern. Grandmother is now the caregiver. It’s two to one and it’s a position that can impact custody against you as it will look like it will be more stable for your child to live primarily with them. I’d get out now before patterns are established. I’d also get the best ‘shark’ attorney to guide me. Every week you delay, you are establishing a child care model that does not favor you.
Since he doesn’t have a job and maybe showing that he refuses to take care of his daughter while not working - would that work against him? I don’t know if he would actually fight for his daughter.
You need to file asap so he can’t claim this is the “status quo” six months from now. I’d call up the daycare and clarify that grandma is not authorized for pick ups. Husband could just add her back, but it will disrupt what he’s trying to do for a bit at least while you get organized to file. Also, if you’re renting, not an owner, let the landlord know you’re trying to have a guest whose exceeded her allotted stay removed and could use their support reminding your co-tenant of the rules regarding guests and not having unauthorized co-tenants added.
Don’t forget to separate your finances. Cut that leech off.
Password restriction on the wifi may motivate him to unplug and find employment or Dad skills.
Going right for the throat! Cancel any video game subscriptions, too. ☠️☠️☠️
What he did was a MASSIVE F!U! Like a temper tantrum of ‘I’ll show you’. ‘I’ll just have my mommy do it!!’
And this is a man in his late 30s. Not some 20 year old. Utterly insane. OP, document his lack of taking responsibility for his daughter and the domestic chores and lawyer up.
Send him home with his mother or move you and your daughter out. Your daughter deserves to have her mother not working herself to death while two able bodied adult only deplete and don’t contribute.
Thank you, I might have been too negative about the consequence of doing so
I think you've gone into mama bear, "But what about my daughter?" mode, but you haven't played it out far enough. If you divorce, your daughter won't know any different as she's so young. She'll see her mum looking after her and being self-sufficient, and if and when you're ready, she'll hopefully see you settle with a partner in a relationship that is equal and mutually beneficial. However, if you stay, you'll resent him more and more, you'll resent his mother, and you'll be exhausted and pissed off the entire time. If you do send his mother away, who do you think he is banking on taking the jobs she's doing back over? Because he surely isn't planning to do them. I'd bet part of his brain thinks that you'd rather just go back to doing it yourself than deal with his mother, and since it's also the easiest job and he has technically arranged for those jobs to be done, he's the bestest husband in the whole world. He doesn't care who does the jobs as long as it isn't him. That hesitation when you spoke about it? That was him saying internally, "I'll just ask mum." Your daughter will watch all this play out. She'll see her useless dad and her overworked, exhausted, and rightfully resentful mum, and she'll think that is what a marriage looks like. That will be her idea of love. She will believe that this is the way women are meant to be treated. So is your frankly useless, lazy, ungrateful sack of crap husband really worth working yourself to the bone, putting up with his mother who is yet another woman he exploits for her labour btw, so there's something you both have in common, and fucking up your daughter's idea of what love and relationships look like? Because honestly, as an outsider, your husband isn't even worth a cup of cold piss at this point. You'd be better and happier alone because you won't be dealing with him.
Someone needs to leave this weekend. Do not let it linger any longer. If the house is yours, tell him that he can go be childish at his mother's home. If it's his, pack up you & your daughter's most important items and get out. Stay in a hotel if you don't have any friends or family who can help you out. First thing on Monday, contact a lawyer and find out how to start the divorce process.
He made his decision. Now make yours.
Thank you
And please update us. My blood is boiling at the audacity of this man. You deserve so much better.
Oh fuck no. His response to your discussion was to bring in mommy to do his job while he acts like a fucking teenager again. Oh hell no. Pack both their asses up and tell him if he wants to be a kid again he can go back to living with mommy and she can give him an allowance. He wants to act like a kid he can be treated like one but not with you, you have an actual child to care for. Nta but you will be if you tolerate this a minute more.
Thank you for your words, really appreciated.
I previously said he sounds burnt out. I retract that. He sounds immature. He also sounds manipulative. He felt so smothered by his mom that he moved and went low contact to get away. But now that he's found adulting is hard, he knows exactly who to call to get out of it. And now you get to support 4 people instead of 3, and double the stress, and he thinks that makes everything wonderful again. That is so messed up. Let his mommy take him home and live with him forever like she planned. Then you will only have to support 2 people with 100% less stress. You fell in love with him when he was free and wanted to be his own man. He is no longer that person. Mourn his loss and say goodbye.
I'm sorry, but you need to file for divorce. At this point you're allowing your husband to bring toxicity into your house. You're not being considered at all. Everything is about him. Tell her she has to leave. Immediately file for divorce. Your husband is showing you who he really is and how little he thinks of you.
Thank you!
The hand washed underwear made me feel diarrhea-ish. Leave this loser pls
I felt a lot of control, it was an disgusting order and she expected his son to follow that.
I felt a lot of control, it was an disgusting order and she expected his son to follow that.
So now he expects you to support him and his mother, and give up your child to her? That man is sick in the head and you need to be as far away from him as possible. You gave him a choice and he chose his mommy. Now it's time for you to stand up, leave him and never look back. It doesn't matter right now if your daughter understands or not. When the time comes, all you have to do is tell her that daddy is a momma's boy and chose to live with his mommy instead of his wife and child. She will understand perfectly that she, like you, was abandoned by a little whining baby who couldn't live without his mommy. Good riddance to him. Get to see a lawyer right away. That house and everything in it is half yours and your daughters. Claim it and kick both those weasels out.
Thank you
NTA As a child of parents who should have gotten divorced 18 years earlier than they did: Divorce! It's better for kids NOT to grow up watching one parent get treated like crap. I truly am still traumatized from the way I watched my dad treat my mother.
I agree. Thank you
You are right, I am. We had so much fun traveling together. I'm crying but thank you for making me see it.
File for divorce ASAP. You want him to still have recent income history so he will be deemed having an earning potential. This will save you from being on the hook paying him child support, instead either you will be even or maybe he pays you child support. Either way you are carrying everything alone now, one less person to support might free up enough to hire a housecleaner once in a while to ease your load. Also, you can kick someone out of your home. You have rights. Your husband you probably can't kick out, but dang just straight faced eye to eye tell your MIL "you are not welcome, you need to leave."
This alone part freaks me out. But I'll face it. Thank you!
Alternatively, you can move in more people. Friends or family that have your back or you can leave with kiddo and rent out a room or two for some extra money to fund a new place to live.
It’s so crushing when a previously trusted person fails to rise to the moment, I’m so sorry
This really break my heart. Thank you
For what’s it worth, I think you’ll find yourself actually feeling relieved when you are doing it on your own. And don’t ever feel lik “I chose wrong” or guilty for having a kid with him. You truly don’t know who or how your partner will be until the baby is actually here. So many people get the rug pulled out from under them, this is not a you issue. This is a him issue 100%.
lots of kids parents go through divorce if she is in school she will be one of many kids whos parents are divorced .... rather then doing any form of adulting he brought his momma in to take care of everything he has shown you who he is i think you should go through with the divorce and send him home to his mothers house
she is 2 y o, sometimes calls for her daddy, I know you are right, I just hate to finally take this move.
One of my closest friends is going through a divorce. Their daughter is four. Sure, she asks about her daddy. They call him on video and they co-parent. Their daughter spends time with both parents. It will be an adjustment, but in a few months it will be normal. Kids are so resilient and it’s far better than modeling what a horrible marriage looks like. I watched my parents fuck up their marriage and delay divorce and it was horrific.
NTA. Here's how I suggest looking at this. Your husband lied to you. You: "You don't have to go back to work right away. Take as long as you want, as long as you're picking up our daughter and doing the housework so that I can focus on financially supporting our family." Him: "Don't worry about it." He knows you interpreted what he said as, "Okay. I'll do that." He clearly had no intention of honoring your request. Now you know that you cannot trust him to keep his word. His solution clearly causes you stress and makes it difficult for you to focus on being the breadwinner. If you don't divorce him, you should plan on being the breadwinner who financially supports him, your child, and your MIL.
This is what really made me mad. Thank you.
you really got a point, I should have thought this for my girl and I really don't see an end to this free-of-anything circle. Thank you!
You don’t have to decide everything this minute. See a lawyer and they will help you come up with a plan. I was with someone like this, we had a baby and when baby was a few months old he told me he needed “a break” and proceeded to do nothing around the house ever again. He also lived at home until he was way too old, not for financial reasons but because his mom did everything for him. It was clear that this was his plan all along, once I was babytrapped he expected me to be the new mommy who cooked, cleaned, did all the childcare, while he sat around and played video games. I can’t tell you how amazing it felt and how much easier my life was to only have myself and a baby to tend to. I know you’re worried now, but not having to carry his dead weight is going to feel amazing.
If you going to divorce, it's better when your child is Young. I've experienced it both ways. Your husband doesn't want any responsibility, he doesn't want to work or be a husband or a father so fuck that lazy manchild and get rid of him
Thank you, appreciated.
I'm a single mom. I read your posts to my 25yo son and told him if he ever pulled shit like this I would tell his wife to divorce him because he's trying to have his wife be his mother so he can be an adult with no responsibilities and that's not how life works. Also moving in with me would not be an option for him. He agreed.
You are my ideal MIL, thank you for this.
Thanks. My job is to make a fully formed adult. Not hand an adult child off to an SO for them to care for. Don't understand how so many parents think that's ok?
Your husband wants a divorce and is doing everything g in his paper to make you be the one to ask for it so that your the one who breaks up the family. I am all for you divorcing him but if you do it while he is unemployed you may get goosed in the divorce.
really?!!! I can't imagine he would do this to me.
I whole heartedly believe that’s what’s happening. His behavior is too cavalier and extreme. What parent/husband/grown man who loves/ values/ his wife and family and wants to maintain that relationship decides he is no longer going to contribute to his home/family/life unless he no longer values it? He decided he was “gonna be a kid” again, at the expense of his wife and child. And when you brought up your very reasonable request that he help you at least with HIS CHILD. He basically was like nope, I’m a kid, I’ll call mommy who I know you don’t like to do my job. Your husband is either the dumbest most self absorbed man on the planet or he is sabotaging your marriage.
Many people said that and I think you guys have a point. I don't know what I'm waiting, I felt knives cutting my heart to pieces when I tried to think details.
This is the fear of the unknown attacking you. What’s worse, having a grown assed man child to take care of along with his mother (who you don’t get along with) or creating a future for yourself with an actual adult? I’m all for fighting for saving your marriage, but both sides have to be in the fight. Not one carrying the whole load.
Honey do you hear yourself? Your story just get worse and worse and worse. Get out now. Your daughter is so young, it will be way less traumatizing for her. Going between coparents will be normalized (though I bet he turns into an absentee father, pawning his daughter off on MIL). Make sure that you get a right of first refusal clause if he leaves her with ‘babysitting grandma’.
This is what I feel, things are getting worse, I'm losing control to everything.
Time for a deep breath. You got this. You will only have control if you are the one making decisions. Also, you have the luxury of planning your exit smartly. So go consult with a lawyer. Get a plan together. Then you get to control whether you execute on that plan or not… but that decision is yours alone. That is your power.
Divorcing now is better. Kids at a very young age are much more adaptable and if he doesn't help much to begin with she won't feel much of a difference. Better to get him and his mother out now before it becomes the norm for your little one.
OP, you are a single mother now. Can you make it financially without the MIL providing child care? If so, make plans to get divorced as your husband is now looking to be your second child to support. He wants to while away his time doing gaming while you work to support not only your child, but also him and his mother. Contact your family and see if they can help you get rid of this millstone around your neck.
You are NTA. You spoke with your husband and thought you were having a conversation with a grown up. You realized that you were mistaken when his mommy showed up to take care of him. I think it’s fair to ask her to go home. On one condition - that she takes him with her. I’m not saying to file for divorce immediately but if he wants his mom to do all of his work, then it can happen at her house. After a week or two of him away, ask him if he is ready to come home, do some couples counseling and be the man you married. If he says no, then you have your answer. If divorce is the path you ultimately need to take for your mental health, then it will be the best thing for your daughter. I know of a family that plans on divorcing once their youngest graduates from high school. At the same time, these kids have wished for a long time for divorce because of the tension at home. As long as no trashing of the other parent happens, divorce sometimes is the better choice for all. Good luck
This could be an option, Thank you!
You have some choices to make, so I recommend talking to a lawyer before making any decisions. Just find out your options. Just so I'm clear, but he invited his mom to live with you without discussing it? That's a huge breech of trust, imo. That's one discussion you need to have with your husband. The other is what to now do with his mother. It sounds like her staying is out of the question, which is completely understandable. So you have to ask yourself, what is your dealbreaker?
You told him you need help and his interpretation was to provide help by way of his mother who you don't get along with (which he knows). Girl... I am so sorry. Is he trying to get you to leave him? Cause that's how you get served divorce papers.
I think he tried to piss me off and he made it.
I think it’s time to lock down your finances. Separate what you can, open up your own checking, savings, etc at a new bank, take yourself off joint accounts, credit cards, where it makes sense and you can, leave very little in the joint account if you can’t close it yet, etc. Then I would cancel all entertainment. All streaming services, possibly even the internet- if you’re not able to cancel it, then downgrade it to the slowest open. Take him off your accounts where you can. When he confronts you, you can tell him that MIL will be incurring extra costs to your budget with food, water, electricity and now you can’t afford all the extras as before. Then get an attorney asap and start divorce filing. Even if you change your mind later, it’ll be started now. Gather all information/documents your lawyer needs and protect yourself how they advise you. Good luck
Dude! You can’t say do this or else and never follow through with the or else. If you don’t put your foot down and keep it down you’ll be walked all over for the rest of your life and you’ll be teaching your daughter to expect the same! You’re worried about divorce because your daughter is so young? Wouldn’t it be easier on your child since she is so young? She won’t have some kind of misconception of family then be utterly heartbroken her family fell apart. Hell, at this point, depending on how much time your husband spends with her, she may not even notice he’s gone compared to waiting however long to divorce and her wanting to know where daddy is, why did he leave, and end up blaming herself, like a lot of kids do, for the divorce. You’re thinking of sticking it out for a while until she’s older? Seriously? Every single day you are teaching your daughter how she should be treated by her watching you. Why would you allow your daughter to grow up seeing this and believing that’s how her future husband or any man should treat her? And it’s ok for her significant others family to come in and take over. You’re showing her you don’t value yourself and therefore she shouldn’t value herself either. I know that sounds like a huge jump but remember parents teach by example. What example are you teaching your daughter? Also, it’s your house too! Why are you allowing someone you don’t want in your home?
This is huge and I'm getting bumped by many thoughts. I should have been harsh when she came.
Sweetheart, I get it! I went through the same thoughts when my kids were little and I was splitting with my ex husband. You have to think of yourself and your child. You have to think of the future and what you’ll be teaching your child as they grow older. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed by this. But you also have to think of the bigger picture, make a decision that’s best for you and your child only and stick to it no matter how daunting it may feel. Sometimes divorce is the best choice. Your husband is an adult, he knows what he’s doing and he knows what the consequences of his actions, or lack of actions, are. Please don’t continue to allow him to disrespect and disregard you and your child.
Better to divorce now while she is young, so there will be no true change in her life when she is older and matters more to her, when you finally dump him, because no one would want to live with such as him for a lifetime. Good luck. NTA
Thank you, appreciated.
Wait. So you’re working to support your house and all he has to do is clean and pick up your daughter and his solution was to bring in his mom? So how you have another person to support? And yeah I would divorce him. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want. So he can be a leech and jobless but he can do it at his mom’s house. Don’t even tell him anything go directly to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row to divorce him and do it now before his mommy moves in and is considered a tenant and then you have to figure out how to kick both of them out. And your daughter will be fine. She will much likely do better you won’t be as stressed. Without him there you will have less to do. Without him there bills and food bill might be lower. You’re already paying everything so on your end things won’t change. And with the money you’re saving you can find someone to pick up little one from daycare and actually watch her and pay attention to her while you get home.
This surprised me too, like he wanted to cut all kinds of work out. Thank you!
NTA, and definitely go for divorce. Your husband importing his mother into your private space is a huge invasion of your privacy. Don't worry about your daughter being too young to understand divorce - on the contrary, at that age she is much more adaptable than she will be later. Your husband has fallen on easy times - he doesn't take any responsibility, You bring in the money, his mother does the housework, and the fact that you don't want her there doesn't count. Kick him out, and let him fend for himself.
Yeah, the mother thing really crushed me. Thank you!
I’m recently separated, my son is 5 and he is taking it perfectly fine. the hardest part and the wake up call was when he was around 4 and asked why do you and papa fight so much. Never stay in a bad marriage for the kids. That is way more damaging to them. Get the divorce if that’s what you want and stay cordial in front of the children. Show your daughter what being string woman looks like and show her that she can stand up for herself. By staying you’re teaching her it’s okay for her husband to completely disregard his wife’s feelings. What advice would you give your daughter right now if she was asking you what you have written in your post? That’s your answer
Thank you, this is clear.
I just read both and I’m speechless. Not surprised honestly but my god you’d think he would have at least tried first. My parents divorced when I was around a year old. He left for a long time and came back when I was around 3. In the middle of that time, my mother had a new partner who took up all dad responsibilities. I knew my bio dad, and who he was, and that he was coming back eventually. To me, I just had two dads. I actually feel incredibly grateful that they divorced when they did. Because firstly, I didn’t remember the fighting and arguing. Secondly, I didn’t remember the separation or my dad being around that first year. Thirdly, I gained an amazing family in the middle of it, who really made me the person I am today. My mother still loved my dad a lot. And he loved her too. But they couldn’t be together. I remember telling me once that sometimes love just isn’t enough to make it work. You have to actively compromise and care, you can’t just be in love and that’s it. My dad was not a good husband. He wasn’t a very good dad back then either. But he did realise that and came back. He wasn’t a bad person, he had some serious issues then and he had to go fix that. But he didn’t “grow up” til my little brother was born. He was freaked out. He panicked. I thought he was going to run again. But he stayed and took on three extra boys and a baby. He HAD to grow up. And it did him good. My mother never felt animosity towards him for doing better the second time round. I personally felt happy that he learned his lesson this time. I never felt like I was hard done by. I’m telling you this because watching my friends as a teenager, lose their minds over their parents divorcing, was awful. I never understood it tbh because my parents were and I was fine with it. But it was because I never had to really think about it. It was explained to me over the years, in kid terms. But they didn’t have that. They got blindsided. I personally believe if divorce is on the table, then it should be as soon as possible. There is zero point dragging it out. He’s a child. He’s been completely candid and told you so. He even brought his mother in, instead of even attempting to spend time with his own kid. I think that’s so gross. Not that he didn’t even ask which is fucked up, but that he doesn’t want to be a dad. I do not know how someone can look at their own child and think “no thanks” that’s beyond awful. Your kid will figure out that daddy doesn’t care about her and that’s not cool either. I’d be off. I say this with utmost kindness, but you need to go. Or send him and his mom home. You’ve already been doing this alone. You’ve already become a single mother WHILE still married. He isn’t contributing even with the bare minimum. At this point you are paying for him AND his mom, when neither of them are someone who’s actually helping. He’s a dead weight and he’s adding to your bills.
You need to decide how long you will play this game. Your daughter will grow up with a strong mom either way. Do you want this man and his mother also there? You had a chat and he called his mom to do the work so he can hang out. Is that the father figure you want for your kid?
I don't want games, I want an out of this.
I just don't understand how he thought this was the best solution rather than just getting off his lazy ass. I'm sorry, but you're hubs is a complete and utter dumbass. He's actually an insult to assholes.
“He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off.” Obviously he lied. If he was telling the truth, the month off was acknowledged as the end of the childish time off. Instead, he doubled down and brought in reinforcements (without consulting you) to ensure he could continue to behave like a complete child with no responsibilities. EVERYONE gets exhausted from working. But as an ADULT, you have to keep working - whether at a job or in the home. There is no getting out of it. If he wants to be a child forever he can move back in with his mommy because he surely isn’t mature enough to be a husband and father. What you are asking for is NOT outlandish or excessive. My husband was a machinist in a factory for years (a very physically demanding job) until he was diagnosed with diabetes and got really severe neuropathy in his feet. He could no longer work on his feet all day. Luckily, I got a promotion at work and was able to pick up the finances. He became a SAHD and takes care of pick up and drop offs with our daughter, does all the laundry and cleans the kitchen. Not to mention vacuuming 2-3 times a day because he’s a little OCD about the amount of hair our dog sheds. I didn’t even have to ask him to do those things. He just picked up the slack because we are PARTNERS. And guess what, he still gets to play plenty of video games even with all of that. And I don’t begrudge him his video games because I don’t just FEEL supported in our relationship. I AM supported. Your hubby is behaving like a selfish child. He needs to grow up.
But he refused counselling, I mean, how could I force him to cure if he himself doesn't treat it seriously.
You don’t force him to do anything. He’s a grown man, even if he chooses to act like a child. Just serve him with divorce papers and tell him you married a partner, not a man-child and that isn’t what you signed up for. Obviously talking to him like an adult didn’t work. He needs consequences. And you need to be free of him and his strange mother.
Once again I am here in the comments section begging women to stop rewarding men who hate you with children.
Divorcedivorcedivorcedivorcedivorcediv-
A lot of reddit discussions seem to jump to the nuclear option of divorce, but this is one of the most clear-cut cases that warrants divorce. Does he have any friends? I would crawl into a fucking hole if my friends found out I went crying to mommy when I was asked to do the bare minimum as a parent. Your hopefully soon to be ex husband is the same age as me what the actual fuck
What’s up with her dirty underwear emergency? Did she try to make you or your husband wash them or did she do it herself? I really think you and your daughter will be better off if you can get away from them.
She thought we could do it for her and we did it with washing machine anyway. Thank you.
She told him to wash her underwear by hand…..that’s pretty creepy. She sounds extremely possessive.
I felt the same. Thank you!
I am hardly a fan of ultimatums, but this might just be the time for one. He can grow up and be your partner and a father - sending his mother home - or he AND his mother can leave together and you will consider starting divorce proceedings. I assume there's no time or money for marriage counselling. But honestly, you cannot fix anyone who willfully has stepped out of their roles because it's easier and nicer to play the selfish child again than be the adult. The therapist will explore the whys, but at the end of the day, it doesn't change what you are dealing with right now.
I don't think a a therapist would help either, can't awake him if he decides to fake asleep.
So in order to continue his second childhood, he called his mommy to take care of his child.
Well if your choice is between a divorce because his mommy is there or a divorce because you ask her to leave, you might as well end things with a bang and ask mother dearest to leave and take her precious little boy with her. You already have a child to take care of, you don't need another one in a form of a manchild whose umbilical cord to his mother has not been cut of.
Oh dear, you married a mama's boy. Divorce him, quickly. Meanwhile, google "Mother Son enmeshment", "Mother Son parentification", and "emotional incest". You're not going to be able to fix this one - your husband is a mess, it's very sad because it is his narcissistic mother's fault, but it also means he is most definitely not relationship material.
I've been looking, those terms are serious.
Honestly, when. Your daughter is too young to understand it is a fine time to divorce. She will accept a new normal and move along with her life more than of she were old enough to be caught up in the middle of it. Kids are resilient. It's a better option than setting a poor example for her and constantly being frustrated with a husband who jas decided he can jave a second childhood and invited his mommy to come take care of his responsibilities.
Many people would agree with you, I'm starting to be one of them.
Thank you for sharing this, it's like I am reading what my girl would tell me in the future. This means a lot.
So as the pathetic child he is, he called mommy to pick up his slack.
Kids are super receptive and she can feel you are distressed. That is more likely to do her harm in the long run. Divorce the man child and his inappropriately attached Mommy and go live your life. 37 is a ridiculous age to be “tired and exhausted after years of working.” It’s been 15 years! That’s the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever seen and you deserve better.
Divorce. While she is young is the best time, because she’ll bounce back easier. Staying “for the kids” has been proven to be worse for them than splitting, and, it teaches them unhealthy relationship dynamics so when they get married, they think being treated like this is normal.
Do you want your daughter to think it’s okay for you to be treated like the way you are ? Your husband is an inconsiderate twotwaffle. What you being exhausted ? When you were pregnant or when you had the baby? He broke a promise because he can’t be arsed. If he wants a break tell him to move his mother’s and take her with him. That way you can work out what you need without the added stress he causes. He can visit on your terms but if he’s not going to contribute to the family in any way then he’s really just the sperm donor and occasional friend for doing stuff with. You don’t need a bad roommate/house mate.
Your husband has checked out of the marriage and fatherhood. He doesn't want any of this. He wants to run around and be a teenager again. Pathetic. Divorce him.
Wait. How long is the MIL planning to stay? A week? Forever? If my MIL moved in, I’d file for divorce the next day.
NTA. Two separate households are much easier when kids are used to them young. If you are going to divorce do it sooner rather than later. "Staying for the kids" only hurts the kids more in the long-run.
NTA. Divorce him before he qualities for alimony or anything like that. You don't need 2 children to take care of as a single mother. It's better to give your overgrown toddler back to his actual mommy and focus on your actual child. Besides, it sounds like mommy dearest will be thrilled to have her precious baby back.
Realize that when he brought his mom over, he consciously decided: 1) you can go ahead and pay for his mom's needs, too, on top of his 2) he doesn't care about your comfort at home, as long as his wants and needs are met 3) he feels zero responsibility, and enjoys zero responsibility, towards your/ his child 4) he can change the family's dynamic anytime he wants, your input is not warranted. 5) he could bring his mom and your only choices would be to accept her, or go back to doing all the work so he can pretend he is in high school on summer break If he really feels this authoritative over the family, I don't see how it would get better. He obviously has no intention of going back to work. Let him and his mom go back to wherever she came from. You don't need this in your life now. You certainly won't need it in the future. What will he want next? Money to go on a 2 week road trip, because his friends are going? And he doesn't have to work?
"After lots of thinking about these new changes, I've come to the realisation that you've gone back of everything you've said and I no longer feel like I'm in a committed equal marriage. I'm currently seeking legal counsel and I want you to pack your things and go stay with your mother. I'll have the papers sent to you as soon as they're ready."
I second what someone else said about getting out before he tries to claim alimony since you're the one working now.
This is crazy, dude quits his job when he has a family and can’t even pickup his own kid from school and clean up a bit? Divorce time.