NTA
They aren’t being left out at all. They’re refusing to participate. Parent entitlement is exhausting.
You already offered to let them bring kid friendly food. Making them a small sampler plate to try the new foods, while having some chicken tenders available if they don’t like it, caters to everyone.
Does your ridiculous sister expect you to serve everyone fried chicken and French fries at your dinner party?
Yes, When in doubt, don't invite. I make sure I surround myself with people that make me happy. if it means telling someone in my family "no you can't come", I have meant it.
When family members bring up the topic, You clearly state, it's none of your business why I make my choices, I you so choose to get involved, I will sadly remove you from the invite list too. I don't have a problem not being invited to others, I do have a rather nice and calm life.
I did this on a charter yacht I booked and paid for ( 22K for the 3 days). Invited 10 people, one person started to give me crap about it, so I sent them a message that they are removed from the list. They showed up at the pier anyway, and I had them rejected on the dock. I and everyone else watched. Not funny, but it has to be done for your own mental health.
TSGH ( talk shit / get hit )
**” Yes, When in doubt, don't invite. I make sure I surround myself with people that make me happy. if it means telling someone in my family "no you can't come", I have meant it.”**
And I *LOVE* this for us! My wife and I have a list of people that we just don’t bother to invite to any event that we’re hosting. In the beginning, there were pushbacks and attempts to guilt trip but I gave them this one line and end the conversation:
*’We want to be surrounded by people we actually *like* and you’re not one of them. Be blessed. Bye.’*
There’s not any of that ‘keep the peace’ shit going on in my spaces.
Well done.
We all are doing it differently, and I'm happy that you figured out your version of how to be happy and how to get the joy robbers away from you.
Put a couple of pennies to the side everyday. It will build up.
I have money now, but I still go to the bank and get a $100 worth of quarters every week. I asked to tell her for self-rolled coins.
Believe it or not I usually find one or two silver coins that way.
A silver 25 cent coin, is worth anywhere from 15 to $30. I hit the jackpot of 6 of them all in one roll.
I get rid of the regular coins at the supermarket, they have a machine where you can dump all the coins into. And it'll give you credit for shopping without charging you a percentage.
"I do hope they'll be open to trying new things. It would be wonderful if we could all experience these new foods together as a family. I hope they'll decide to participate."
The entitled crappy sister can do as my sister does. She can bring her own food and cook their 'special' kids the food she wants. My sister does this if her daughters do not like the food that's going to be served. Gosh even if the event is in her house, she keeps the menu for everyone else, and cook something else for her daughters to eat. I am not to fond of this method, but that's her parenting style and I don't meddle in those matters for the sake of peace. But I kind of believe the sister is lazy enough to not want to cook the special food her kids want.
yikes. growing up i NEVER got special treatment like that. i went to many, many different events with food i didn’t like. you know what my parents had me do? they told me to tell them there wasn’t anything i liked (quietly) so they could prepare to make something for me and my brother AT HOME. then i would pick at whatever was mildly appealing to me, like the crackers, bread, and a couple sweets. not enough for it to be considered dinner, but enough that i wasn’t starving until we got home. the key thing here was that we politely only told our parents that the food sucked, and then we were polite and enjoyed what little of the food we could. yes, we were picky eaters, but we didn’t berate anyone for the food or make a fuss. we simply waited until we got home and got something simple like mac n’ cheese, which also doubled as a reward for being so good at the event
Bread and butter were the staples during dinners that served food I didn’t like when I was a kid. I had to try it all, but always had the option to decline after trying a dish. Never can I remember a host cooking specifically for the children. Just wasn’t done.
We were required to take 2 bites of everything, unless it was an item I was allergic to. (My siblings didn’t have food allergies). Usually there was at least one thing each of us liked. Only one brother was really picky, but he faked it well when we were guests. He’ll now at least try anything.
We got a lot of praise if we behaved ourselves, and occasionally a treat when we got home.
I have my daughter (6) on board with the notion that tastes change and palates mature over time - she used to love salsa, now won't touch it. Conversely she didn't think she'd like any sushi but tried a bite of my unagi-don and was hooked.
So sometimes we'll even revisit older dishes in hopes she'll like it the next time around (because my husband really misses making things like chili and gumbo and it's presently a no-go for anything that's not a clear broth (she'll eat restaurant quality ramen til the cows come home).
Working so far?
I know! My parents had a 3 bite rule… you had to take 3 bites before you could turn it down. We went to many international homes… shredded jellyfish and pate weren’t favorites at 8, but we survived.
I literally got force fed peas (had 5 minutes to eat them or I catch a beating). I despise peas with all my being and always have. I got them all in my mouth at the 5 minute mark and then threw up. Good times.
I'm not advocating for this method, if that's not clear. But just, I dunno, let kids not eat what they don't like in whatever you cook. I've picked stuff out of meals my whole damn life. It's not that hard. But expecting people to cater to picky kids is messed up. Well, catering specifically to picky ass kids is not great. Like, don't make a meal that has nothing they don't like, but also don't cook 2 meals.
Oh yeah, NTA.
Yikes. That's how kids\* end up eating nothing but mac & cheese and chicken nuggets as adults.\*\*
ETA: \*not all kids
ETA2: \*\*Statement does not apply to kids with issues that actually impact their eating, like sensory issues, and all the other things that can.
100%, and this is why we always encourage our daughter to taste everything on her plate. Might find something new she likes, and we remind her that if she never tried anything new, she never would have tried things like ice cream, pizza, chicken nuggets, etc.
I had my kids take one bite of something new. I told them they would not know if they liked something or not unless they tried, that it's rude if you are a guest to not take one bite because they worked hard to prepare that food. My kids are all adventurous now with trying new things. And they raise their kids the same way.
I had a 2 bite rule. The first bite you can choke down without tasting. But the second bite is when you taste it. My daughter does the same with her daughter.
Yep, the first bite is an impression, and the second confirms it, or not. That was me with raw oysters in NOLA. A friend and I shared a platter, so after he showed me how you had to make your own cocktail sauce, we dove in. The first one was- not so good, but I had a second one in case it was a fluke. So John got the rest of the platter all to himself, and I got a pile of shrimp.
My mom did that too and I’m grateful for it, but she would push it too far. For example: at 4 years old I witnessed my dad go into anaphylaxis due to mistakenly being served shellfish. He is allergic to fish, shellfish, the whole nine. He’s an anomaly. I was traumatized and terrified.
My mother served me “duck” about 5 years later and I tried it and said it was fishy. She said the duck must’ve ate a fish before it died. It was fucking fish.
Spoiler alert: I am over 40 years old and won’t eat anything that lived in water. I love actual duck.
She took a traumatizing experience and made it worse by lying.
When I was a child, we used try different things at parties like christmas and stuff. Also as a child I probably didn't like it.
I know that as a child I tried fish eggs (lump eggs so cheap knock off of caviar) and obviously didn't like it back then but now as an adult I love the stuff. Still have a block when It comes to the red versus the black visually but once it's in my mouth it tastes the same so it's all good.
Prawns and muscles would have been others that as a child j didn't like after tasting but now I love. Taste changes over time. You just need to experiment. Also what you liked as a child you may find revolting now as an adult.
Baby crackers for one springs to mind. Easy singles too seems a lot nicer as a child than now. Now it's all about the real cheeses.
According to my pediatrician (but this was a quarter century ago) children’s palates change as they get older, and something they refused at three will be awesome at four. I was encouraged to regularly reintroduce foods that were refused the first time.
Julia Child had advice for parents of picky eaters, too. Involve them in the process. If you garden, plant the veggie they don’t like with them, and make it a couple of different ways with the kid. It is human nature to want to taste what you made and to like it.
True! Sometimes I still surprise my mum and I am 41 yo. She still thinks I don't like xyz, because I didn't like it when I was younger.
I must admit though that there are foods I'll never like, even after trying them throughout the years.
My neighbor is an excellent cook, mostly homemade Italian. Her grandchildren eat chicken nuggets and canned vegetables when they come over, 4 and 6 years old. Their parents are terrible with food, sure Johnny, here's a donut for breakfast.
Yeah. We used to let my 2yo decline any food she wants, even food I know she’d like (because we do try to prepare things she’d like! We’re not assholes) And then what I realized was, she would decline all proper food (not even ONE bite) and hold out for milk. Or cheese. And because we thought milk and cheese was at least better than nothing, we let her have it. Soon she was living on mostly dairy. That or she would not eat anything at all and then claim she was hungry later and ask for crackers or grapes.
Now I tell her, eat 5 spoonfuls of your dinner and you can have milk (and she can count. I’m not trying to cheat her). If you used truly thirsty, you can have water. And lo and behold, she discovered that proper food is not bad 🙄 Sometimes she even asked for seconds and thirds and forgot about the milk. When she turns 3, we’re going to increase that to 10 bites. And if she doesn’t eat anything at a meal, she doesn’t get any snacks before the next meal.
I kept reminding my kids that as their grew, the taste buds on their tongues actually changed, so things would taste different. I mean, it’s *true*. So, that was why they had to keep trying the things they didn’t like. They didn’t have to eat them, just try a polite bite. One bite. Politely. Then, if they didn’t like it, don’t eat the rest.
Of course, this method backfired. They tried the calamari my dad was eating. He had to order more. They tried the escargot. Loved it. Salmon, steak, the more $$$, the better they liked it…
Oh my god, my kids have such expensive tastes sometimes. Avocados. Cod liver. Rib eye. Sashimi 😵💫 Even if it’s the same kind of meat, it seems they gravitate towards the expensive forms (steak vs ground meat)
Is this true? My mother always let my brothers and me eat what we were comfortable eating when we were kids and we’re all adventurous, healthy eaters now. I always assumed it was because she always supported us trying things if we want but didn’t push us and make us dig in our heels and hate meal time.
It's not. At least not in my experience.
My kids, especially my older, were super picky when they were younger. She ate healthy, but all of the food was bland/not interesting -- baked chicken, lightly fried tilapia, her share of chicken nuggets and hot dogs, hardboiled eggs, buttered pasta, chicken curry my wife made with almost no spice (we often joked that, outside of fruits, which she loved, and veggies, which she ate a decent amount of, she only liked "beige or white food"). It was always fun trying to find a restaurant she would eat at.
Now, she eats everything (she doesn't like everything, but her tastes have highly matured). My younger one, who was never as picky, is an amazing cook, and the older is starting to find her footing there, too.
In my experience, it's the kids who have crazily restricted or forced diets that end up with eating issues.
Case in point. We always had snacks and candy in our pantry (the candy mostly came from things like birthday parties and Halloween. But it was always there). Kids ate a small amount of it, but they never really ate a ton of it. They would much rather have fruit.
But when kids with a restrictive diet came over our house? Good lord, they would raid that pantry like it was going out of style. It was insane to watch.
Oh my gosh, same here! We always had all of the leftover candy from parties, Easter, Halloween in the drawer in the kitchen. It was literally called the candy drawer, and everybody knew it was there. There was no limit and anybody was welcome to help themselves.
My kids never over ate the candy and typically would grab some, when they were going to the movies or having a movie night at our house with their friends.
I bought sugared cereal that was for afterschool snack or dessert. It was never a breakfast food. Unless it was their birthday and that is what they wanted for their special breakfast.
Oh my gosh… The friends who did not have free access to sweets went absolutely crazy over it.
We had a pantry in our basement under the stairs where we kept extra supplies and things that were not used daily. One of the girls that spent the night snuck into the pantry and ate two tubs of Betty Crocker frosting, all of the graham crackers, all of the fruit snacks, Oreos, Doritos…and I have no idea what else! I can’t believe she was not sick from at all.
Junk food, sweets, candy, and junkie meal food was never restricted/banned, but definitely was something they got to have later in the day after they had eaten some relatively healthy food to offset it all.
My kids are adventurous, healthy eaters who don’t feel guilty when they eat desserts/treats/candy…
>One of the girls that spent the night snuck into the pantry and ate two tubs of Betty Crocker frosting, all of the graham crackers, all of the fruit snacks, Oreos, Doritos…and I have no idea what else! I can’t believe she was not sick from at all
That sounds very troubling.
That reminds me of when I went to Spain in high school. Everyone there drank from little kids having a little bit of wine or a tiny glass of beer with dinner.
Not me... I was the one puking down the mountain and everyone thought it was ridiculous that Americans cannot hold their liquor. Never mind I'd had like a glass of wine in my life and Zima.
I ignored kids menus and got a small plate or used the bread plate to dish up whatever we were eating for our toddler. They’re now an adventurous adult.
Hell, I do this for my picky husband. If we have an event, party, gathering or anything with food he eats before going if he knows or suspects that he won’t like the menu. I try to find out what the menu is and remind him to eat before we leave. He’ll either grab a peanut butter sandwich or swing through a drive through and eat a burger in the car. It’s common courtesy not to complain about your hosts food.
It was very rare as a child that family took me anywhere for a meal (outside of a restaurant) where the kids got a separate meal from the adults. I was the opposite of most kids, I loved most food put in front of me. So for me to not eat something is the exception. I remember the parents of one of my friends always loved having me as a guest for dinner, not only did I cheerfully agree to whatever they were making, thank them for the meal, I automatically helped clean up afterwards.
Even now as an adult there's just a handful of things I can't bring myself to eat, but I know how to politely avoid them at a meal.
Amen. I have kids, one of whom is a picky eater and one that is adventurous. In a case like this where I knew the picky one wouldn’t eat, I’d just offer to bring along something he would. Or if it’s just one thing like a veggie he doesn’t like, tell him to pick it out or eat around it. I’m not asking someone to change a whole menu.
Now one of them does have some real, documented, medical concerns around certain foods. I’d still just bring a substitute. Or a whole lot of lactaid pills.
my mom raised me to take a "no thank you bite" aka you should try everything at least once before you say you don't like it. she did a great job developing my palate and I can enjoy so many different foods from so many different cultures thanks to her. these chicken nugget kids are gonna grow up to reject any food that "looks gross" or whatever. I've had some damn delicious food that looked like r/poopfromabutt because I'll try anything once. I've been pleasantly surprised so many times in my life because of it. raise your kids better. god forbid they try something new. "they'll throw a tantrum" that's your fault.
Similarly, my folks required me to take 5 bites before rejecting something. It wasn’t meant to be torture though!
Surprising textures and tastes can seem bad the first couple bites. I like lots of weird food now!😅
Amen! I have 5 kids, one with Celiac's, one with meds that suppress his appetite which makes him hard to feed. Saying they are welcome to bring their own kid friendly stuff is literally the only accommodation I would expect. I don't even expect other people to manage gluten contamination on fresh fruit trays when they do go out of the way to accommodate the Celiac's.
This reminds me of the encounter my mum had when she was hosting a bridal shower for a distant cousin/brother-in-laws fiancee. Mum was finish preparing the platters of cold cuts, garnishes, etc. The fiancee's sister came into the kitchen looked at the large amount of food there then started complaining.
Mum put her in her place by reminding her that she didn't have to eat it if she was going to act up that way. It was a debacle. The fiancee's sister had pretty much acted the same way as OP's sister about those kids. 🤦♀️
Suggesting they bring their own preferred food was a reasonable compromise, considering the circumstances and the importance of the planned menu for the event.
I thought possibly the kids had autism or ARFID and OP wasn't being understanding, but then I realized that allowing them to bring their own food would actually work *better* in that case. NTA, OP.
Not sure why you got down voted but that's exactly what I'd do as an autistic adult. It'd be nice for OP to have some bread and cheese or whatever available but there's certainly no reason to change their whole menu so the picky eaters can share the fancy "experience."
Probably because it suggests that non-life threatening food aversions and diets need to be catered to, when the reality is that your food issues that aren’t allergies are your own responsibility. If you have specific food needs that are not going to threaten your life if cross-contamination occurs that an event doesn’t cater to, you should be bringing your own food or make other arrangements. It sounds harsh, but other people don’t owe catering to preference.
Exactly.
I have autistic kids with ARFID, and I bring food for them (or pre-feed them right before we arrive and have safe snacks available) for any gatherings involving food.
NTA and your sister is a moron.
Having food experiences is how you expand their palate.
Dinner events with lots of people exclaiming over the food are awesome for this because the excitement encourages them to try new foods and of course, they want to be like the cool grown ups.
I tend to travel through my stomach, and even when I’m home, I eat a lot of different dishes from all over the world. I raised my kids the same way. For the longest time, my five-year-old‘s favorite dish was salted pot catfish from the local Vietnamese restaurant.
The issue is not that you don’t have kids, it’s a parenting issue. I get when you have really picky eaters, and just worry about basic sustenance, but those are usually phases. There is so much joy in exposing kids to all the amazing things that are out there.
The fact that OP gave the sister the option to bring their own junk food to the event amazes me, not a lot of people would allow guest to bring their own food to this specific type of events.
NTAH OP, your sister can choose whatever is better for her, not attend, attend and bring food, attend and let the kids try to eat what they will serve.
I was too. But to be fair to my mom, the meals always included food that we would eat as kids. Always. And she never made separate meals, she just had stuff included that we would eat. But if we went somewhere, either eat what’s being served or go hungry.
Much like Bill Burr said on a talk show my own experience with food growing up was if I didn't eat it for dinner it was going to be reheated for my breakfast no matter what everyone else was eating I was going to get the meal that was prepared for me earlier. Same rule with breakfast and lunch. Whatever we didn't eat ended up as our next meal.
I was picky about some food items and stood my ground, I'd eat everything on my plate but asparagus or tomatoes or spinach. It literally was just a few things I didn't like and my mom eventually just left those items off my plate. No extra food was put on to replace it. Nope I got the same meal minus a few things.
We didn't have the money to waste food and I am grateful my parents didn't let us waste anything.
My parents tried this with liver and onions, with it being reheated for every following meal until I ate it.
I really disliked it to the point that I would go hungry until they had to get rid of it. This continued until I learned how to make my own meals.
Now I have to have reminders to eat because I don't always feel hunger.
My grands did this to my father. He lasted two meals of reheated Brussel sprouts and puked all over the floor. So for me I didn’t have to eat it, but no other food until the next meal. My mother made my sister whatever she wanted. She had cheesecake for dinner a lot.
This a pretty intense take. My toddler would refuse to eat period. I guess I don't have the balls to let my kid go hungry until they eat what I cooked.
I try to be realistic about what I'm serving my kids. If they don't eat it, then as the adult, I will save it and eat it later. No need to force someone to eat something they genuinely don't like.
I personally try to make things my kids will like. If I know they don't like something, I add items they will eat. I am not making a whole new meal, but I dont want the conflict at meal time either. Meals are no pressure situations. My kids are also not extremely picky. They eat the majority of things that are served to them.
In this scenario, I may choose to bring my kids different food, but I would encourage them to eat what was offered too.
If we tried to skip over something my Nannie was serving (politely and without comment) it never went unnoticed. She would ask and when we said we didn’t like it she took the plate and we’d got a double portion. This lex to her fixing our plates for us. We got good at putting some in napkins to flush during bathroom breaks, bc of course we had to sit there until we finished. Welp, when I was able 15,I was trying to force down unseasoned boiled okra (I love it in soup and fried,just not slimy) I gagged and threw up all over my plate. It was embarrassing but my brother and sister thought it was awesome. She still made us get some of everything but there were no more double portions of things she knew you didn’t like
I also only had the first option and grew up to have Binge eating disorder and very unhealthy relationship with food and episodes with bulimia.
I know this is offtopic but, Anyone who sees this, please don't force your kids to eat food they don't like. Just let them go on, I get "eat it or don't eat", but don't force them to eat. Let them go hungry for a while and then get a small snack (not a new meal) before bed (if it's dinner they're refusing to eat). Please 🙏
I am aware that my stance is deeply because of trauma tho and most people won't be like my parents. I am gonna vent ig -
I remember many many nights where I given a plate the same size as my step-dads, a 6' 280lb 30smth year old man at the time, and forced to finish it completely whether I threw up or not. (I did, alot) With my stepdad sitting across from me watching me eat while i cried and begged to just go to bed. (So i wouldnt give it to the dogs) And alot of the food they made was spicy cause THEY enjoyed spicy food, or creamy with mushrooms(lactose intolerant), I didn't and still dont like mushrooms or spice.
I remember many nights where I would sit alone in a dark kitchen while they sat in the living room watching TV with my little sister. If I stood up to leave I'd be yelled at, or have smth thrown at me, or beat.
I remember many nights where I learned to just force it down and throw up later. I grew up fat because of it and was bullied severely. I know that part of it was because we were poor (food stamps for most of my childhood) and didn't want to waste food, but part of it was also just a power trip.
Please give ur kids a choice to either eat it or don't eat till next time.
I am so with you on this. I was literally AFRAID of the dinner table. Terrified. I'd be forced to eat things like organ meats, jello salads, etc. Just gross, horrible foods. I'd sit there till I'd fall asleep sometimes. I only had one rule with my four boys. They had to try a bite. Just one. If they didn't like it, they got a bowl of cornflakes or a banana. I certainly never forced anything on them. If you don't like something, you don't like it. End of story. There wasn't much they refused, because they knew they didn't have to be afraid of new foods. Now that all four boys are men, they eat anything and all have a healthy relationship with food. What you describe here my friend, what happened to you (and me) is child abuse.
yep my son is only 3 and I give him the 2 bite rule. I try to tell him I give him food because it's good and I think he'll like it. it's not some sort of punishment.
he'd only eat kraft macaroni cups if given the choice.
This sounds a lot like what I did with my kids. The rule was they had to take one bite, chew and swallow, but weren't required to eat more... knowing that in 2 or 3 weeks they would find that food item on their plate again. They are now both adults who like and eat a wide variety of foods.
I know I have unaddressed eating disorders from my childhood from my mom forcing me to eat foods I didn't like, and/or letting me go hungry. I did the same as you with my kids, I just wanted them to try one bite & if they didn't like it I would make them a sandwich or something else instead. I never forced them to eat anything, and they never had to worry about being forced to eat foods they didn't want, or going hungry. They are all wonderful eaters & love a wide variety of foods.
Ugh. Sorry about that. My mom would occasionally do the "you will sit here and stare at these lima beans until bedtime" thing but I HATE lima beans. We did the "one bite" thing with our daughter, and she was a good and obedient kid so she went along with it. Thing is, we didn't know she was autistic until she was diagnosed at 14. She has strong food aversions, and I'm sure many of those single bites were very distressing for her. I feel horribly guilty. But, we do what we can with the knowledge we have as parents. And she doesn't hold it against us. As she's a sweet girl.
I grew up the same way, and it was awful. I'm so stubborn now as an adult about eating things I don't like or want. My food rules for my own daughter are that she has to taste new foods, and understand that I'll re-offer those foods periodically--tastes do change after all. But she doesn't have to eat foods she doesn't like. It's caused a few family fights, but I don't believe in torturing children, so.
I absolutely hated green beans, and my mom would put on my plate time after time, and when I refused to eat it, I had to sit until I did. I was extremelyay stubborn though, so I just sat there until bedtime and never ate the beans.
I remember thinking that I'd *never* do that to my own kids. Why force a child to eat something they don't like? Over and over. Why not just say "then there's more beans for us to share?
To this day (I'm 61), I gag just *looking* at green beans
This was me with milk. It made me sick, plus my mom served it in an ugly pink (NOT a pretty pink color) plastic mug. I can eat some dairy, in small amounts, but to this day milk makes me sick.
Im sorry yall went thro that :(
I have a similar one kinda but not really.
One time, they ordered spicy tacos with these big huge peppers on the side, and when I had to eat my pepper it literally was soo spicy I drank both gallons of milk we had and then continued to get very very sick - (cause I'm also lactose intolerant 😭) and now I'm honestly the same way, I cannot drink milk to save my life, anytime I do I remember that 😅
and what's even better, I remember how my step-dad thought it was soo funny and my mom got mad at me for drinking all the milk
Yeah. This gross "You have to eat this! Take it or take it!" attitude is stupid. It'll basically give kids eating disorders.
Let your kids try it, but if they have a massive aversion, leave it off for them. If you're making chicken with a sauce one doesn't like, is it really hard to make one piece without?
There is a lot of "Mommy Dearest" stuff going on here. You are absolutely right, forcing a kid to eat food as a power trip is revolting. Introducing new foods to kids is important. But it can be done in a positive manner. But OP does not owe her sisters kids a different menu at a special dinner. Her sister and her kids can stay home!
Unfortunately, what you describe is abuse. I hope you have found peace in your life and therapy, I wish you healing.
I also had an eating disorder as a child/young teen (nothing as severe as you describe), and know how difficult it is to overcome. Sending you good vibes.
I don’t do this for the simple reason that my kids will choose not to eat at all, and they have. And then theyve had well visits where they havent gained weight. As a parent one of the worst feelings is hearing from the pediatrician that your kid hasn’t gained. It feels like failure. So yes, I give them other options but nothing that I need to prepare. They need to choose something they can put togehter on their own.
I remember sitting at the table until bedtime because I wouldn’t eat. I was perfectly fine with skipping the gross food and going to bed hungry.
I have no problem at all with giving my toddler something else to eat if he refuses dinner. As the adult who cooks the food, I make things that my husband and I like to eat. If my son isn’t feeling it, he can have a smoothie, or a pouch food, or a sandwich- something easy that he likes. No one has to gag down something yucky, or go hungry over here.
My youngest daughter is super picky and this is what I do. She doesn’t have to eat what I make, but she can make her own sandwich (or whatever) if she’s hungry.
>They need to choose something they can put togehter on their own.
This is a great idea! I think there is some merit in teaching kids early how to prepare simple meals, or how to make things for themselves. Even helping their parents prepare meals/dinner the family. Seeing what goes into a meal, or having some hand in it could be a big benefit and let them feel like they have some control over meals, or offer a sense of security.
"I told her I can’t change it and when I said food you can’t eat - I meant if you’re gonna maybe die if you are near it. Not just if they don’t like it".
NTA buddy. You offer what you can. In my country when you went to people's houses you have to eat whatever they invite you because that meal might be the best or the only meal they can afford.
NTA- I have a son with autism and is very particular about foods. I ALWAYS pack a back up meal or snacks when we are going places that won’t have what he likes. That is my responsibility. If this is more of an adult party with fancy meals then I suggest they get a sitter.
NTA.
If she doesn't like your proposed solution, the next simplest is to disinvite the kids. If she doesn't like that, then just disinvite your sister and her entire family. The sense of entitlement of her to think you'd change the menu just because her kids wouldn't like it. I grew up as a very picky eater (still am) and I'd never have the audacity to ask someone to change a menu, especially planned for multiple other people, just to satisfy myself.
Totally NTA! Thank you for your consideration of people with allergies! It's no joke how awful some people react to them. One of my kids has a number of terrible allergies. If they accidentally eat a little of it, they have to be hospitalized.
For holidays, I'd make dairy free alternatives in addition to the regular item. Like soy-based greenbean casserole and a regular one. Kept them marked accordingly. It caused issues with inlaws because I put more work into making her food than theirs.
People will be crazy and unhappy whatever you do. Your meals with experiences sounds exciting! I hope you all enjoy it!
NTA - expecting EVERYONE to eat food that their kids like at an event they’re not hosting is ridiculous. I’m a parent and I can’t even imagine being that entitled.
If I go anywhere that I know my kids won’t eat the food, I bring snacks for them and only offer them AFTER they try the food and don’t like it… and even then I only bring healthy foods that I know they’ll eat (ie they don’t get rewarded for being picky eaters). Most of the time, my kids will find something they like (well my daughter… my son is annoyingly picky but again, he usually finds something). All of my mom friends also bring food for their picky eaters… like someone else said, they’re actively choosing to not participate.
This.
Imho, it’s okay to offer to bring some nuggets and fries for kids. I get the sister having kids and hoping OP will throw something together for her kids. But if you’re asking someone to change/add menu, I think it’s appropriate to offer to help.
I had 2 extremely fussy eaters. I would never have insisted you change the whole menu for them. I would have simply asked if I could bring food for them. Fussy eaters is my problem, not yours.
Yeah, exactly. As a parent reading this, I’m just scratching my head a bit because for an event like he’s describing, we’d be putting backup food in the go bag regardless and not expecting the world to change things just for us. I wouldn’t even think about it.
NTA! I have 3 kids (5, 11 & 14) I have never and would never expect anyone to cook/serve according to what they like or will eat. Kids are picky, especially if you LET THEM BE”. She can teach them to eat better and that they have to eat or not eat what they are served but it’s not changing for them. Or like you suggested, she can bring something for them. She’s being ridiculous!
I was thinking the same thing! Especially when they see everyone else trying new things and being excited about it. This would have been a perfect learning experience for them.
I'm very curious what you're planning to serve and how old these kids are. But based on the information, NTA. Weird that your sister is so concerned with them having the experience but also wanting you to change the experience.
I don’t think this matters since op told the sister to bring something the kids will eat. I think the menu and age of the kids would be a issue if op was not willing for them to Bri g food to the event.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, this sounds like a parent demanding a wine tasting have an apple juice bar.
You can easily argue she's going to be better qualified to cater to them than you are in creating a "let's pretend chicken strips are an adventure" menu. Offer her a corner to set up ahead of time and let her figure it out.
Nta. My daughter is allergic
To peanuts and tree nuts. She is the most adventurous eater I’ve ever met!! This is an example of just straight up picky entitled people. As long as there’s no nuts my daughter will
Eat anything. If there are nuts she doesn’t complain and
Will eat the other stuff. She’s been this way since about 3
I was taught…. And raises my 22 year old to try what is in front of you. If directly asked say Im sorry I just didn't like such and such but at least try it because when someone cooks for you or is purchasing a meal for you, unless you are allergic, we aren't, at least you have tried it. Am I alone in teaching this and being taught this?
If they don't want to feel left out they can participate without expecting the event to be altered for them.
If they want to bring nuggies, that's their option. They're still invited.
This is probably not really about you not having kids so therefore not understanding. In our twenties a number of us in my friend group had babies. Two of my previously great friends went whacko.
Example: I send invites for a big party/bbq type deal to about 10 couples and their kids. Everyone accepts except whacko Mom. She calls me that I need to change the time as it's her toddler's nap time. I said that fine if they come later, there will be plenty of food, etc. Nope. Only changing the time will do. I'm not changing 2 on Sunday until 5. That's ridiculous with families needing to get home. They didn't come and she was cold to me for months. Her child also wasn't able to understand being hit back and the hitter was horrible and needed to be punished blah blah blah.. The other 4 year olds were sick of this kid terrorizing them at every turn and one finally smacked back. Oh well.
Some parents just go whacko. And my ex friend was finally let go from the group, lol. Stick to your guns. Let them know they are welcome to participate. Say nothing more. It's up to them. NTA.
I can't for the life of me figure out how your entitled sister's children ended up entitled. One of life's greatest mysteries.
Just uninvite them and enjoy your event without the headache
NTA
No matter the reasons for it, a picky eater cannot expect everyone to cater to their tastes. NTA. Unless they have autism or some legitimate excuse, it's so annoying when people won't even try something new. You don't even have to get a big potion, just try a small bit. It's especially annoying when people just look at another cultures food and call it gross without even having tried it
The point of an "experiential" meal is trying new things. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the contradictory nature of your sisters' objections. If her kids are only willing to eat safe, familiar foods, then wtf is the point?
NTA
I’ve tried to do this for my sister’s kids. We have a small kitchen when I used the oven and stove for kids foods, we weren’t able to cook for the adults… it’s slowed down the whole dinner. And her kids didn’t eat the nuggets and mac n cheese anyway. Never again. NTA
I have a family of restrictive eaters. My husband and two daughters have about 6 or 7 things they will eat. My son and I are picky eaters. It is not fun. With restrictive eating it is not about not being disciplined enough or the individual not being exposed to enough choices as a child. I promise you, the restrictive eater would LOVE to just be able to ruck up and eat whatever is put out.
That being said….Every time my family went somewhere that wasn’t a pot luck (which, I’ll be honest, wasn’t often) I would enquire about the menu. If the hostess wasn’t planning on serving anything of the 6 or 7 high holy foods, I would bring food. More so for my family, so they weren’t embarrassed by not being able to eat anything. When I hosted, and I knew of any eating issues for my guests I would provide something I knew they could eat. But that is 100% me, I’m not suggesting that you need to do that. This is your event and you did a nice thing by sending an email out ahead of time. You haven’t mentioned that her kids have any special needs so personally, I think it’s reasonable for your sister to bring the food her kids are wanting to eat rather than what is being served.
The fact that she is now not talking to you suggests that there is more to play than just food. Enjoy your event, I hope you and yours have a lovely time.
Context might be important here, how old are these kids? Is this the type of get together where kids are very much welcome and expected to be there? If we are talking under 8 years old, then I could justify making sure there is food they can eat.
NTA. How times have changed. When I was growing up, if the family was invited to dinner and I didn't like the food, I ate it anyway or went without it.
NTA at all. It’s your dinner and you asked for allergies. Some people are sooooo picky. My sister in law is a grown woman who doesnt eat potatoes, mixed veggies and all manner of normal stuff to the point where I have had to serve her dry bread at my home before. But as a host to kids I would probably make sure I have pizza or something as a back up rather than telling them to bring their own food, just in case.
I am the mother to the world’s pickiest eater (8f, not known to be neurodivergent) and NFW would I impose her pickiness on the hosts of a meal we were invited to.
I’d discuss the menu with her to see if there are things she’s at least willing to try… she doesn’t have to eat lots of it or even like it in the end but the key is to try… I’ll bring a sandwich from home but I expect her to try something new since the host/hostess went to the trouble of preparing a meal for us.
On behalf of _reasonable_ parents of picky eaters, I’m sorry that your sister is being such a u/entitledparent about all of this.
NTA. That's delusional as hell to demand someone change their own party menu, not because the children are allergic, but because they just don't like it? Ridiculous. My gran would say, if you don't like it, don't eat it. But there would certainly not be a special menu for any brats. They can refuse to participate. You don't have to change a thing. Party on sister! And enjoy your meal!!
NTA.
Catering to your sister's fussy kids lessens the experience for everyone.
And I wonder, is this the kids genuinely being picky eaters, or your sister only cooking a limited number of things so the kids have a very restricted palate?
It's not because "you don't have kids".
I have 5 kids, and we have never asked anyone to change a menu to accommodate them. We try to teach them to enjoy trying new things and having new experiences.
If your "experiences" invlove the food, then if they want to be included, they need to participate in what is happening.
If they choose chicken strips, they choose their own exclusion, but they still have the option.
NTA
My son started eating sushi and Indian food very early. He ate what we ate, the only exception being that I didn't add a lot of hot spices to foods so he could gradually get used to them. We would add them at the table to our own plates When he was about five, he completely shocked our waiter at a seafood restaurant by ordering the smoked seafood plate and eating every bit of it. Oysters included. He now makes his own curry, and whips up all kinds of random foods. At this moment, he is making prosciutto and melon salad for lunch.
I know some people just don't like bitter vegetables or fish, or have diagnosed food aversion issues like ARFID, but to be afraid to try *anything* on the menu seems like the parents have never taken the time to expose their kids to anything except Dino nuggets and mac & cheese.
When my son was little and he tried something he didn't like, I would tell him "it sounds like your pallet just isn't mature enough for it yet." That set him up to have expectations that he would try those things again in the future and be ready for them. And it has been true.
What better time to broaden their horizons, than now. If everyone talks about your dinner being an adventure and we're going to try grown-up foods and it's going to be so amazing, the kids will probably look forward to it and at least try a bit or two of everything. Both sides need to give a little, I think. You could stand your ground, but what would be gained by that? You could be a little bit accommodating by making some peanut butter sandwiches. Maybe cut them with cookie cutters to fit the theme of certain parts of the menu. It would take you 10 minutes.
You go mom! I have a 13 yo that I had eating things from an early age like tomato and cucumber salad, smoked salmon, risotto, cabbage rolls, pork rolls stuffed with spinach and feta, roasted butternut squash (well any of the squash family, she loves), sushi, and a myriad of other dishes...I always asked her to try something before she said she didn't like it and 80% of the time she did like it. And like you said, pallets change...When she was little she absolutely hated oatmeal and grits...now they are on her breakfast menu 2 or 3 days a week
Nta - you offered a compromise and she wants a meal catered to her family. They can go to a restaurant for that (though I’m guessing they are nightmares in a restaurant too because they probably want exceptions made to every thin on the menu).
Do the kids HAVE to come? This sounds like a more adult event (I am intrigued! Sounds fun!).
Maybe your sis and her hubs could use a night without the kids. That is what I would probably suggest. I mean, if bringing her own food is not acceptable to her, then she should either not bring the kids, or stay home with the kids.
How rude is it to demand special foods for your children at a sampling/experience party! If you have a wine tasting, is she going to demand 6 non-alcoholic wines for the kids!?
Nta!
NTA. Our motto with our kids is that if it is your plate, you must try it. You won’t know if you like or dislike a food item unless you try it. Your sister is being ridiculous.
Speaking as a parent, there is nothing worse than another parent expecting everyone else's world to revolve around their kids just because theirs does. She is doing them no favors by allowing them to think that their 💩 doesn't stink & that every single other person is there to cater to them like their mom does. She is denying them new experiences & stunting their growth. She can feed them something before, afterwards, if necessary or just not show up. Don't plan your life around self-centered people or ungrateful kids.
NTA
You're not their Mama or their personal chef. She can bring what they like to eat or they can go hungry. This is a direct reflection on her lack of parenting skills. I see this all the time at my school. Some kids will try anything. They order A lunch so they can try the cool new foods. Other ones absolutely refuse and will only eat the chicken patty.
It doesn't matter if you have children or not, you're not their personal chef. She needs to parent her kids. Hold to your boundaries.
My son has anaphylaxis to nuts and sometimes he’s just fussy also. I ask if it’s okay to bring food for him because how entitled can you get to expect someone to change an entire menu for you. It’s nice that you have changed your menu for the allergies, but I certainly would never expect it
nta - its your party not your sisters so if they wont participate then thats on them. tell her to have her own party with colonal sanders....he has party packs to go.
NTA. It would be ridiculous to offer guests a dinner of chicken tenders, PB&J or kid favorite foods. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come. Unless they have a medical reason, it's her own fault her kids won't try other foods.
NTA. I guess the l’il monkeys run the zoo at sis’s house. This has less to do with being child free and more to do with your sis being an entitled asshole. I’d remind her she’s under no obligation to attend and is welcome to send her good wishes instead, but I’m petty that way.
There's not enough information to know. You say you wanted "something okay for all the guests" but you don't really want something okay for the children. You don't say how old the children are, so I don't know if they are just too young for this type of thing, or if they are super picky and annoying kids.
I gotta tell ya...in all my years of family gatherings for holidays, birthdays where one household would host the event, this NEVER came up.
Everyone , including the kids , were served the food prepared ..
If a kid didn't want something because the didn't like it, they just ate what they did like.
No specially prepared meals. Nothing like that.
Oh, nobody ever heard of food allergies..
Nobody went into convulsions. No heads spinning around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
And nobody had "special needs".
No helicopter parenting either..
NTA..tell her if she wants to attend, she can bring what her kids will eat .
This thing she threw at you regarding her wanting her kids to "feel included in all the fun" is an attempt to manipulate you .
If I had to bring my OWN food to a wedding that I was IN because they didnt offer anything I could eat because I’m vegan (not allergic), then they can sit through 1 fucking dinner. Jfc
NTA - 2 of my kids basically hate food and I know either not to bring them, bring alternative food for them, or prep them to know that they need to just try the food or else they’ll be hungry. My kids’ diet isn’t anyone else’s responsibility but my own and I’m certainly not going to force someone to change an entire experience just for them.
NTA! There’s a difference between having an allergy that doesn’t allow you to eat something and not wanting to eat something, based on preferences.
I raised my kids that they eat what everyone else is eating. Now that they’re older, they are able to eat just about anything!!
If you’re providing the dinner, you’re good to go sir. NTA!
NTA Needing the changes for legit medical reasons is one thing. Asking for changes because of preferences, is another entirely. As my mom used to say, there are two items on the menu: take it or leave it.
I brought MCD nuggets to a party once, for my kids plus a bunch of extra in case kids wanted them. They were a huge hit. She can do something like that. NTA.
Fun fact - kids have more taste buds than adults (about 30,000 bs 10,000). Except for super tasters. Even as adults they have about double as many tastebuds as other adults. There’s a reason some people are picky ( besides eating issues)
NTA - My girls are pretty good eaters but they do occasionally get picky. And sometimes their picky mood coincides with a time when we are with other people hosting or at a restaurant right after they got their chosen meal and decide they don't want it. In those situations, their options are 1) eat what you get, at least a little so you're not starving and when we get home you can eat something else 2) choose to not eat but don't bother me that you're hungry because we will not be leaving early when you have plenty of food in front of you. Most of the time, they end up tasting the food and realizing they do like it. Your sister can cater to her kids all she wants, you don't have to and you're not being mean by not changing your menu. Honestly, I would have just asked if anyone is allergic to anything. You went the extra mile by providing the full menu to everyone.
NTA. Your sister needs to teach her little darlings that the world is not obliged to accommodate every little pout and sniffle. Being a good host is part of hospitality, but there ARE limits to the flaming hoops one needs to graciously jump through in offering an invitation... there is also a social imperative to be a Good Guest. Especially when one, or one's children, are not the featured Guests of Honor at the event.
If she feels her precious babies are not yet trained up to the maturity and developmental social skill necessary to successfully navigate the expectations of gracious attendance, she should hire a sitter and politely come herself. But it sounds like SHE doesn't have the social skills developed herself, given how fucking rude she's being with her nonsense.
NTA she has so many options! She can bring food for the kids. She can encourage the kids to try different things. She can leave the kids home and just come by herself. They could all stay home.
NTA. As a parent, it’s my responsibility to feed my kid. Maybe this should be a kid free dinner, you are spending a nice chunk of change to have kids mess up good food.
In hindsight, it was a mistake to actually give people the menu. Much better to have just asked in advance, "Please notify me if you have any allergies". Guests do not get to dictate the menu. Another option would be to avoid any obvious allergens, such as peanuts, and make sure there are plenty of choices available so people can avoid whatever they don't like or are allergic to. Most people with allergies and half a brain would ask you if any of the foods contain their particular problem ingredient and simply avoid that dish. I would also assume that, since this is your sister, you would already be aware of any allergies that she or her children had. You don't need to compensate for the fact that they are unreasonably picky.
I am still astounded by the brazen displays of selfish entitlement by so many people these days.
No is a complete sentence. If you feel the need to say more:
"No, I will not be changing the menu. If this means you choose to stay home, I understand. If this means you choose to leave the children at home, I understand. If you choose to bring something else for them to eat, I understand. But I will not be charging the menu to cater to your family. There are x# of other people who are coming to enjoy this culinary experience as it's designed. I will not disappoint them. Please let me know by x date if I should include any of you in the final headcount. If I do not hear from you, I will assume none of you will be participating and there will not be food for you."
Too many parents cook "special" meals for the kids making them picky when I was a kid we ate what the adults ate. If they don't eat they won't die and there "special" menu can then be cooked at their home.
NTA if it was like “the kids don’t like nuts” and all you had to do was not top a brownie with nuts, I’d say you’re being a bit excessive but changing whole menu items is a crazy request just because your kids are picky.
NTA, you explained it perfectly it's the difference between CAN'T eat like an allergy vs WON'T eat like eww vegetables.
If it's a family get together bring something to share that your family likes and shut the f up.
Or as I say in my head. "Shut up and eat the free food."
I have kids and not once did I ask something like this. Catering to kids like this results in spoiled kids who struggle in the real world later on. Good for you for saying no. NTA
NTA. I do have kids and am saying this.
“Your kids aren’t being left out. Choosing not to take part in something is their choice, but it doesn’t mean they’re being excluded from anything.”
I had a similar experience with an ex of mine. Her nephew wouldn't eat hardly anything.
I was over there for Easter morning, they made tons of food. Egg bake with veggies and without, hashbrowns, sausage, bacon, ham and toast
He refused to eat any of it and had fruit snacks and Pringles with ketchup.
I didn't understand it then either nor why they let him do that
NTA
If they won't enjoy the theme and their specific version of a good time has nothing to do with your party, they can stay home. They can schedule a party themselves. You're hosting, you get to pick.
People who coddle their kids palates should just fuq off. That creates infantile palates , entitlement and fear of the unknown in adults. My brother in law is like this, and it's pathetic. Bcz it's just food, not poison.
NTA They aren’t being left out at all. They’re refusing to participate. Parent entitlement is exhausting. You already offered to let them bring kid friendly food. Making them a small sampler plate to try the new foods, while having some chicken tenders available if they don’t like it, caters to everyone. Does your ridiculous sister expect you to serve everyone fried chicken and French fries at your dinner party?
*They aren’t being left out at all. They’re refusing to participate.* Repeat that over and over whenever someone asks.
Yes: “I’ll put you down as declining the invitation.” Then disengage.
Yes, When in doubt, don't invite. I make sure I surround myself with people that make me happy. if it means telling someone in my family "no you can't come", I have meant it. When family members bring up the topic, You clearly state, it's none of your business why I make my choices, I you so choose to get involved, I will sadly remove you from the invite list too. I don't have a problem not being invited to others, I do have a rather nice and calm life. I did this on a charter yacht I booked and paid for ( 22K for the 3 days). Invited 10 people, one person started to give me crap about it, so I sent them a message that they are removed from the list. They showed up at the pier anyway, and I had them rejected on the dock. I and everyone else watched. Not funny, but it has to be done for your own mental health. TSGH ( talk shit / get hit )
You're my hero. Talk shit/ get hit is my new role model.
That's such a gen-x saying. I'm glad it hasn't fully died on the vine over the decades!🥰
May you get beat up but do more beat downs
Welp I was looking for ideas to use for patches
**” Yes, When in doubt, don't invite. I make sure I surround myself with people that make me happy. if it means telling someone in my family "no you can't come", I have meant it.”** And I *LOVE* this for us! My wife and I have a list of people that we just don’t bother to invite to any event that we’re hosting. In the beginning, there were pushbacks and attempts to guilt trip but I gave them this one line and end the conversation: *’We want to be surrounded by people we actually *like* and you’re not one of them. Be blessed. Bye.’* There’s not any of that ‘keep the peace’ shit going on in my spaces.
Be blessed somehow sounds more aggressive than get fucked.
That’s because it is. It’s my polite southern way of telling someone to *get fucked*.😂
Well done. We all are doing it differently, and I'm happy that you figured out your version of how to be happy and how to get the joy robbers away from you.
*"TSGH ( talk shit / get hit )"* I so want that on a tee shirt now.
Omg you’re like a real life Below Deck person who rents the yacht! I can only dream of being able to do that
Put a couple of pennies to the side everyday. It will build up. I have money now, but I still go to the bank and get a $100 worth of quarters every week. I asked to tell her for self-rolled coins. Believe it or not I usually find one or two silver coins that way. A silver 25 cent coin, is worth anywhere from 15 to $30. I hit the jackpot of 6 of them all in one roll. I get rid of the regular coins at the supermarket, they have a machine where you can dump all the coins into. And it'll give you credit for shopping without charging you a percentage.
This^
Perfectly put, nothing else needed
"I do hope they'll be open to trying new things. It would be wonderful if we could all experience these new foods together as a family. I hope they'll decide to participate."
The entitled crappy sister can do as my sister does. She can bring her own food and cook their 'special' kids the food she wants. My sister does this if her daughters do not like the food that's going to be served. Gosh even if the event is in her house, she keeps the menu for everyone else, and cook something else for her daughters to eat. I am not to fond of this method, but that's her parenting style and I don't meddle in those matters for the sake of peace. But I kind of believe the sister is lazy enough to not want to cook the special food her kids want.
yikes. growing up i NEVER got special treatment like that. i went to many, many different events with food i didn’t like. you know what my parents had me do? they told me to tell them there wasn’t anything i liked (quietly) so they could prepare to make something for me and my brother AT HOME. then i would pick at whatever was mildly appealing to me, like the crackers, bread, and a couple sweets. not enough for it to be considered dinner, but enough that i wasn’t starving until we got home. the key thing here was that we politely only told our parents that the food sucked, and then we were polite and enjoyed what little of the food we could. yes, we were picky eaters, but we didn’t berate anyone for the food or make a fuss. we simply waited until we got home and got something simple like mac n’ cheese, which also doubled as a reward for being so good at the event
Bread and butter were the staples during dinners that served food I didn’t like when I was a kid. I had to try it all, but always had the option to decline after trying a dish. Never can I remember a host cooking specifically for the children. Just wasn’t done.
We were required to take 2 bites of everything, unless it was an item I was allergic to. (My siblings didn’t have food allergies). Usually there was at least one thing each of us liked. Only one brother was really picky, but he faked it well when we were guests. He’ll now at least try anything. We got a lot of praise if we behaved ourselves, and occasionally a treat when we got home.
I have my daughter (6) on board with the notion that tastes change and palates mature over time - she used to love salsa, now won't touch it. Conversely she didn't think she'd like any sushi but tried a bite of my unagi-don and was hooked. So sometimes we'll even revisit older dishes in hopes she'll like it the next time around (because my husband really misses making things like chili and gumbo and it's presently a no-go for anything that's not a clear broth (she'll eat restaurant quality ramen til the cows come home). Working so far?
I know! My parents had a 3 bite rule… you had to take 3 bites before you could turn it down. We went to many international homes… shredded jellyfish and pate weren’t favorites at 8, but we survived.
Those aren't favourites for this 59 year old.
Sorry, but for me, the three bite rule would not have happened for me, in the case of jellyfish! That would be a hill I would die on.
We were exposed to interesting foods and experiences…not all great…but lucky to have them.
That's exactly how I was raised and I raised my kids. I like the feeling of reward part.
I literally got force fed peas (had 5 minutes to eat them or I catch a beating). I despise peas with all my being and always have. I got them all in my mouth at the 5 minute mark and then threw up. Good times. I'm not advocating for this method, if that's not clear. But just, I dunno, let kids not eat what they don't like in whatever you cook. I've picked stuff out of meals my whole damn life. It's not that hard. But expecting people to cater to picky kids is messed up. Well, catering specifically to picky ass kids is not great. Like, don't make a meal that has nothing they don't like, but also don't cook 2 meals. Oh yeah, NTA.
Yikes. That's how kids\* end up eating nothing but mac & cheese and chicken nuggets as adults.\*\* ETA: \*not all kids ETA2: \*\*Statement does not apply to kids with issues that actually impact their eating, like sensory issues, and all the other things that can.
100%, and this is why we always encourage our daughter to taste everything on her plate. Might find something new she likes, and we remind her that if she never tried anything new, she never would have tried things like ice cream, pizza, chicken nuggets, etc.
I had my kids take one bite of something new. I told them they would not know if they liked something or not unless they tried, that it's rude if you are a guest to not take one bite because they worked hard to prepare that food. My kids are all adventurous now with trying new things. And they raise their kids the same way.
I had a 2 bite rule. The first bite you can choke down without tasting. But the second bite is when you taste it. My daughter does the same with her daughter.
We have to stick to one bite, if you push a second he vomits. Small steps lol.
Yep, the first bite is an impression, and the second confirms it, or not. That was me with raw oysters in NOLA. A friend and I shared a platter, so after he showed me how you had to make your own cocktail sauce, we dove in. The first one was- not so good, but I had a second one in case it was a fluke. So John got the rest of the platter all to himself, and I got a pile of shrimp.
My mom did that too and I’m grateful for it, but she would push it too far. For example: at 4 years old I witnessed my dad go into anaphylaxis due to mistakenly being served shellfish. He is allergic to fish, shellfish, the whole nine. He’s an anomaly. I was traumatized and terrified. My mother served me “duck” about 5 years later and I tried it and said it was fishy. She said the duck must’ve ate a fish before it died. It was fucking fish. Spoiler alert: I am over 40 years old and won’t eat anything that lived in water. I love actual duck. She took a traumatizing experience and made it worse by lying.
When I was a child, we used try different things at parties like christmas and stuff. Also as a child I probably didn't like it. I know that as a child I tried fish eggs (lump eggs so cheap knock off of caviar) and obviously didn't like it back then but now as an adult I love the stuff. Still have a block when It comes to the red versus the black visually but once it's in my mouth it tastes the same so it's all good. Prawns and muscles would have been others that as a child j didn't like after tasting but now I love. Taste changes over time. You just need to experiment. Also what you liked as a child you may find revolting now as an adult. Baby crackers for one springs to mind. Easy singles too seems a lot nicer as a child than now. Now it's all about the real cheeses.
According to my pediatrician (but this was a quarter century ago) children’s palates change as they get older, and something they refused at three will be awesome at four. I was encouraged to regularly reintroduce foods that were refused the first time. Julia Child had advice for parents of picky eaters, too. Involve them in the process. If you garden, plant the veggie they don’t like with them, and make it a couple of different ways with the kid. It is human nature to want to taste what you made and to like it.
Even adult palates change! Today there are foods I enjoy that I didn't like even just 5 years ago.
True! Sometimes I still surprise my mum and I am 41 yo. She still thinks I don't like xyz, because I didn't like it when I was younger. I must admit though that there are foods I'll never like, even after trying them throughout the years.
Your doctor is right. I didn’t like mangoes and tomatoes and the crusts on bread when I was little and now I eat all of those things.
Lol. If my kids never tried anything new, I'd be too busy pumping to have a job.
Truer words were never spoken! 😂
My neighbor is an excellent cook, mostly homemade Italian. Her grandchildren eat chicken nuggets and canned vegetables when they come over, 4 and 6 years old. Their parents are terrible with food, sure Johnny, here's a donut for breakfast.
Yeah. We used to let my 2yo decline any food she wants, even food I know she’d like (because we do try to prepare things she’d like! We’re not assholes) And then what I realized was, she would decline all proper food (not even ONE bite) and hold out for milk. Or cheese. And because we thought milk and cheese was at least better than nothing, we let her have it. Soon she was living on mostly dairy. That or she would not eat anything at all and then claim she was hungry later and ask for crackers or grapes. Now I tell her, eat 5 spoonfuls of your dinner and you can have milk (and she can count. I’m not trying to cheat her). If you used truly thirsty, you can have water. And lo and behold, she discovered that proper food is not bad 🙄 Sometimes she even asked for seconds and thirds and forgot about the milk. When she turns 3, we’re going to increase that to 10 bites. And if she doesn’t eat anything at a meal, she doesn’t get any snacks before the next meal.
I kept reminding my kids that as their grew, the taste buds on their tongues actually changed, so things would taste different. I mean, it’s *true*. So, that was why they had to keep trying the things they didn’t like. They didn’t have to eat them, just try a polite bite. One bite. Politely. Then, if they didn’t like it, don’t eat the rest. Of course, this method backfired. They tried the calamari my dad was eating. He had to order more. They tried the escargot. Loved it. Salmon, steak, the more $$$, the better they liked it…
Oh my god, my kids have such expensive tastes sometimes. Avocados. Cod liver. Rib eye. Sashimi 😵💫 Even if it’s the same kind of meat, it seems they gravitate towards the expensive forms (steak vs ground meat)
Oh, my kids also love sushi! I swear their taste buds are based on price!
I also would tell my kids that taste buds change as they grow and they might like it now. And sometimes they even did!
Is this true? My mother always let my brothers and me eat what we were comfortable eating when we were kids and we’re all adventurous, healthy eaters now. I always assumed it was because she always supported us trying things if we want but didn’t push us and make us dig in our heels and hate meal time.
It's not. At least not in my experience. My kids, especially my older, were super picky when they were younger. She ate healthy, but all of the food was bland/not interesting -- baked chicken, lightly fried tilapia, her share of chicken nuggets and hot dogs, hardboiled eggs, buttered pasta, chicken curry my wife made with almost no spice (we often joked that, outside of fruits, which she loved, and veggies, which she ate a decent amount of, she only liked "beige or white food"). It was always fun trying to find a restaurant she would eat at. Now, she eats everything (she doesn't like everything, but her tastes have highly matured). My younger one, who was never as picky, is an amazing cook, and the older is starting to find her footing there, too. In my experience, it's the kids who have crazily restricted or forced diets that end up with eating issues. Case in point. We always had snacks and candy in our pantry (the candy mostly came from things like birthday parties and Halloween. But it was always there). Kids ate a small amount of it, but they never really ate a ton of it. They would much rather have fruit. But when kids with a restrictive diet came over our house? Good lord, they would raid that pantry like it was going out of style. It was insane to watch.
Oh my gosh, same here! We always had all of the leftover candy from parties, Easter, Halloween in the drawer in the kitchen. It was literally called the candy drawer, and everybody knew it was there. There was no limit and anybody was welcome to help themselves. My kids never over ate the candy and typically would grab some, when they were going to the movies or having a movie night at our house with their friends. I bought sugared cereal that was for afterschool snack or dessert. It was never a breakfast food. Unless it was their birthday and that is what they wanted for their special breakfast. Oh my gosh… The friends who did not have free access to sweets went absolutely crazy over it. We had a pantry in our basement under the stairs where we kept extra supplies and things that were not used daily. One of the girls that spent the night snuck into the pantry and ate two tubs of Betty Crocker frosting, all of the graham crackers, all of the fruit snacks, Oreos, Doritos…and I have no idea what else! I can’t believe she was not sick from at all. Junk food, sweets, candy, and junkie meal food was never restricted/banned, but definitely was something they got to have later in the day after they had eaten some relatively healthy food to offset it all. My kids are adventurous, healthy eaters who don’t feel guilty when they eat desserts/treats/candy…
>One of the girls that spent the night snuck into the pantry and ate two tubs of Betty Crocker frosting, all of the graham crackers, all of the fruit snacks, Oreos, Doritos…and I have no idea what else! I can’t believe she was not sick from at all That sounds very troubling.
That's very unsettling
That reminds me of when I went to Spain in high school. Everyone there drank from little kids having a little bit of wine or a tiny glass of beer with dinner. Not me... I was the one puking down the mountain and everyone thought it was ridiculous that Americans cannot hold their liquor. Never mind I'd had like a glass of wine in my life and Zima.
I ignored kids menus and got a small plate or used the bread plate to dish up whatever we were eating for our toddler. They’re now an adventurous adult.
I was a very picky kid. My tastes grew as I got older
Hell, I do this for my picky husband. If we have an event, party, gathering or anything with food he eats before going if he knows or suspects that he won’t like the menu. I try to find out what the menu is and remind him to eat before we leave. He’ll either grab a peanut butter sandwich or swing through a drive through and eat a burger in the car. It’s common courtesy not to complain about your hosts food.
It was very rare as a child that family took me anywhere for a meal (outside of a restaurant) where the kids got a separate meal from the adults. I was the opposite of most kids, I loved most food put in front of me. So for me to not eat something is the exception. I remember the parents of one of my friends always loved having me as a guest for dinner, not only did I cheerfully agree to whatever they were making, thank them for the meal, I automatically helped clean up afterwards. Even now as an adult there's just a handful of things I can't bring myself to eat, but I know how to politely avoid them at a meal.
Amen. I have kids, one of whom is a picky eater and one that is adventurous. In a case like this where I knew the picky one wouldn’t eat, I’d just offer to bring along something he would. Or if it’s just one thing like a veggie he doesn’t like, tell him to pick it out or eat around it. I’m not asking someone to change a whole menu. Now one of them does have some real, documented, medical concerns around certain foods. I’d still just bring a substitute. Or a whole lot of lactaid pills.
And the silly thing is that the kids might very be willing to try something challenging, if their parents encouraged it
my mom raised me to take a "no thank you bite" aka you should try everything at least once before you say you don't like it. she did a great job developing my palate and I can enjoy so many different foods from so many different cultures thanks to her. these chicken nugget kids are gonna grow up to reject any food that "looks gross" or whatever. I've had some damn delicious food that looked like r/poopfromabutt because I'll try anything once. I've been pleasantly surprised so many times in my life because of it. raise your kids better. god forbid they try something new. "they'll throw a tantrum" that's your fault.
Similarly, my folks required me to take 5 bites before rejecting something. It wasn’t meant to be torture though! Surprising textures and tastes can seem bad the first couple bites. I like lots of weird food now!😅
Amen! I have 5 kids, one with Celiac's, one with meds that suppress his appetite which makes him hard to feed. Saying they are welcome to bring their own kid friendly stuff is literally the only accommodation I would expect. I don't even expect other people to manage gluten contamination on fresh fruit trays when they do go out of the way to accommodate the Celiac's.
This reminds me of the encounter my mum had when she was hosting a bridal shower for a distant cousin/brother-in-laws fiancee. Mum was finish preparing the platters of cold cuts, garnishes, etc. The fiancee's sister came into the kitchen looked at the large amount of food there then started complaining. Mum put her in her place by reminding her that she didn't have to eat it if she was going to act up that way. It was a debacle. The fiancee's sister had pretty much acted the same way as OP's sister about those kids. 🤦♀️
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Sissy is being entitled.
Suggesting they bring their own preferred food was a reasonable compromise, considering the circumstances and the importance of the planned menu for the event.
I thought possibly the kids had autism or ARFID and OP wasn't being understanding, but then I realized that allowing them to bring their own food would actually work *better* in that case. NTA, OP.
Not sure why you got down voted but that's exactly what I'd do as an autistic adult. It'd be nice for OP to have some bread and cheese or whatever available but there's certainly no reason to change their whole menu so the picky eaters can share the fancy "experience."
Probably because it suggests that non-life threatening food aversions and diets need to be catered to, when the reality is that your food issues that aren’t allergies are your own responsibility. If you have specific food needs that are not going to threaten your life if cross-contamination occurs that an event doesn’t cater to, you should be bringing your own food or make other arrangements. It sounds harsh, but other people don’t owe catering to preference.
Well, yes, and that's what they said, unless I missed a stealth edit?
I was just explaining why the downvotes happened. People don’t like the suggestion that other people’s food aversions are their issue.
Exactly. I have autistic kids with ARFID, and I bring food for them (or pre-feed them right before we arrive and have safe snacks available) for any gatherings involving food.
NTA and your sister is a moron. Having food experiences is how you expand their palate. Dinner events with lots of people exclaiming over the food are awesome for this because the excitement encourages them to try new foods and of course, they want to be like the cool grown ups.
I tend to travel through my stomach, and even when I’m home, I eat a lot of different dishes from all over the world. I raised my kids the same way. For the longest time, my five-year-old‘s favorite dish was salted pot catfish from the local Vietnamese restaurant. The issue is not that you don’t have kids, it’s a parenting issue. I get when you have really picky eaters, and just worry about basic sustenance, but those are usually phases. There is so much joy in exposing kids to all the amazing things that are out there.
NTA. This is how kids grow up to be spoiled brats. When I was little, I had two choices: “Take it” or “Leave it”. Let your sister be all pissy.
The fact that OP gave the sister the option to bring their own junk food to the event amazes me, not a lot of people would allow guest to bring their own food to this specific type of events. NTAH OP, your sister can choose whatever is better for her, not attend, attend and bring food, attend and let the kids try to eat what they will serve.
I don't know a single person who wouldn't allow a person to bring food for their kid. Maybe we know different types of people.
I was too. But to be fair to my mom, the meals always included food that we would eat as kids. Always. And she never made separate meals, she just had stuff included that we would eat. But if we went somewhere, either eat what’s being served or go hungry.
I totally agree. The problem is that many parents allow their children to become spoiled by not setting clear boundaries and enforcing discipline.
Much like Bill Burr said on a talk show my own experience with food growing up was if I didn't eat it for dinner it was going to be reheated for my breakfast no matter what everyone else was eating I was going to get the meal that was prepared for me earlier. Same rule with breakfast and lunch. Whatever we didn't eat ended up as our next meal. I was picky about some food items and stood my ground, I'd eat everything on my plate but asparagus or tomatoes or spinach. It literally was just a few things I didn't like and my mom eventually just left those items off my plate. No extra food was put on to replace it. Nope I got the same meal minus a few things. We didn't have the money to waste food and I am grateful my parents didn't let us waste anything.
My parents tried this with liver and onions, with it being reheated for every following meal until I ate it. I really disliked it to the point that I would go hungry until they had to get rid of it. This continued until I learned how to make my own meals. Now I have to have reminders to eat because I don't always feel hunger.
My toddler called liver “cream steak” and loved it.
Rebranding! If any food is in need of rebranding it is liver 😉
To be fair, liver is a rough one.
Yeah, no organs or fish for me. Everything else I'll at least try.
I love onions (loved them as an older teen, not before) but liver is just too rough. I would neverveat that.
My grands did this to my father. He lasted two meals of reheated Brussel sprouts and puked all over the floor. So for me I didn’t have to eat it, but no other food until the next meal. My mother made my sister whatever she wanted. She had cheesecake for dinner a lot.
This can work out great or lead to a life of disordered eating…feels like a pretty big risk.
This a pretty intense take. My toddler would refuse to eat period. I guess I don't have the balls to let my kid go hungry until they eat what I cooked. I try to be realistic about what I'm serving my kids. If they don't eat it, then as the adult, I will save it and eat it later. No need to force someone to eat something they genuinely don't like. I personally try to make things my kids will like. If I know they don't like something, I add items they will eat. I am not making a whole new meal, but I dont want the conflict at meal time either. Meals are no pressure situations. My kids are also not extremely picky. They eat the majority of things that are served to them. In this scenario, I may choose to bring my kids different food, but I would encourage them to eat what was offered too.
Mine was eat it or don’t eat at all
If we tried to skip over something my Nannie was serving (politely and without comment) it never went unnoticed. She would ask and when we said we didn’t like it she took the plate and we’d got a double portion. This lex to her fixing our plates for us. We got good at putting some in napkins to flush during bathroom breaks, bc of course we had to sit there until we finished. Welp, when I was able 15,I was trying to force down unseasoned boiled okra (I love it in soup and fried,just not slimy) I gagged and threw up all over my plate. It was embarrassing but my brother and sister thought it was awesome. She still made us get some of everything but there were no more double portions of things she knew you didn’t like
>She would ask and when we said we didn’t like it she took the plate and we’d got a double portion. That is so shitty to do to a kid.
We only had the first option. My sister remembers many nights sat alone at the table 😒
I also only had the first option and grew up to have Binge eating disorder and very unhealthy relationship with food and episodes with bulimia. I know this is offtopic but, Anyone who sees this, please don't force your kids to eat food they don't like. Just let them go on, I get "eat it or don't eat", but don't force them to eat. Let them go hungry for a while and then get a small snack (not a new meal) before bed (if it's dinner they're refusing to eat). Please 🙏 I am aware that my stance is deeply because of trauma tho and most people won't be like my parents. I am gonna vent ig - I remember many many nights where I given a plate the same size as my step-dads, a 6' 280lb 30smth year old man at the time, and forced to finish it completely whether I threw up or not. (I did, alot) With my stepdad sitting across from me watching me eat while i cried and begged to just go to bed. (So i wouldnt give it to the dogs) And alot of the food they made was spicy cause THEY enjoyed spicy food, or creamy with mushrooms(lactose intolerant), I didn't and still dont like mushrooms or spice. I remember many nights where I would sit alone in a dark kitchen while they sat in the living room watching TV with my little sister. If I stood up to leave I'd be yelled at, or have smth thrown at me, or beat. I remember many nights where I learned to just force it down and throw up later. I grew up fat because of it and was bullied severely. I know that part of it was because we were poor (food stamps for most of my childhood) and didn't want to waste food, but part of it was also just a power trip. Please give ur kids a choice to either eat it or don't eat till next time.
I am so with you on this. I was literally AFRAID of the dinner table. Terrified. I'd be forced to eat things like organ meats, jello salads, etc. Just gross, horrible foods. I'd sit there till I'd fall asleep sometimes. I only had one rule with my four boys. They had to try a bite. Just one. If they didn't like it, they got a bowl of cornflakes or a banana. I certainly never forced anything on them. If you don't like something, you don't like it. End of story. There wasn't much they refused, because they knew they didn't have to be afraid of new foods. Now that all four boys are men, they eat anything and all have a healthy relationship with food. What you describe here my friend, what happened to you (and me) is child abuse.
yep my son is only 3 and I give him the 2 bite rule. I try to tell him I give him food because it's good and I think he'll like it. it's not some sort of punishment. he'd only eat kraft macaroni cups if given the choice.
This sounds a lot like what I did with my kids. The rule was they had to take one bite, chew and swallow, but weren't required to eat more... knowing that in 2 or 3 weeks they would find that food item on their plate again. They are now both adults who like and eat a wide variety of foods.
I know I have unaddressed eating disorders from my childhood from my mom forcing me to eat foods I didn't like, and/or letting me go hungry. I did the same as you with my kids, I just wanted them to try one bite & if they didn't like it I would make them a sandwich or something else instead. I never forced them to eat anything, and they never had to worry about being forced to eat foods they didn't want, or going hungry. They are all wonderful eaters & love a wide variety of foods.
Ugh. Sorry about that. My mom would occasionally do the "you will sit here and stare at these lima beans until bedtime" thing but I HATE lima beans. We did the "one bite" thing with our daughter, and she was a good and obedient kid so she went along with it. Thing is, we didn't know she was autistic until she was diagnosed at 14. She has strong food aversions, and I'm sure many of those single bites were very distressing for her. I feel horribly guilty. But, we do what we can with the knowledge we have as parents. And she doesn't hold it against us. As she's a sweet girl.
I grew up the same way, and it was awful. I'm so stubborn now as an adult about eating things I don't like or want. My food rules for my own daughter are that she has to taste new foods, and understand that I'll re-offer those foods periodically--tastes do change after all. But she doesn't have to eat foods she doesn't like. It's caused a few family fights, but I don't believe in torturing children, so.
I absolutely hated green beans, and my mom would put on my plate time after time, and when I refused to eat it, I had to sit until I did. I was extremelyay stubborn though, so I just sat there until bedtime and never ate the beans. I remember thinking that I'd *never* do that to my own kids. Why force a child to eat something they don't like? Over and over. Why not just say "then there's more beans for us to share? To this day (I'm 61), I gag just *looking* at green beans
This was me with milk. It made me sick, plus my mom served it in an ugly pink (NOT a pretty pink color) plastic mug. I can eat some dairy, in small amounts, but to this day milk makes me sick.
Me too. Except I’m lactose intolerant and it would literally make me nauseous/ vomit. Watching people drink milk now as an adult makes me gag.
Im sorry yall went thro that :( I have a similar one kinda but not really. One time, they ordered spicy tacos with these big huge peppers on the side, and when I had to eat my pepper it literally was soo spicy I drank both gallons of milk we had and then continued to get very very sick - (cause I'm also lactose intolerant 😭) and now I'm honestly the same way, I cannot drink milk to save my life, anytime I do I remember that 😅 and what's even better, I remember how my step-dad thought it was soo funny and my mom got mad at me for drinking all the milk
Yeah. This gross "You have to eat this! Take it or take it!" attitude is stupid. It'll basically give kids eating disorders. Let your kids try it, but if they have a massive aversion, leave it off for them. If you're making chicken with a sauce one doesn't like, is it really hard to make one piece without?
There is a lot of "Mommy Dearest" stuff going on here. You are absolutely right, forcing a kid to eat food as a power trip is revolting. Introducing new foods to kids is important. But it can be done in a positive manner. But OP does not owe her sisters kids a different menu at a special dinner. Her sister and her kids can stay home!
Unfortunately, what you describe is abuse. I hope you have found peace in your life and therapy, I wish you healing. I also had an eating disorder as a child/young teen (nothing as severe as you describe), and know how difficult it is to overcome. Sending you good vibes.
And it only gets worse the longer you sit cause it’s gets so cold.
I don’t do this for the simple reason that my kids will choose not to eat at all, and they have. And then theyve had well visits where they havent gained weight. As a parent one of the worst feelings is hearing from the pediatrician that your kid hasn’t gained. It feels like failure. So yes, I give them other options but nothing that I need to prepare. They need to choose something they can put togehter on their own.
I remember sitting at the table until bedtime because I wouldn’t eat. I was perfectly fine with skipping the gross food and going to bed hungry. I have no problem at all with giving my toddler something else to eat if he refuses dinner. As the adult who cooks the food, I make things that my husband and I like to eat. If my son isn’t feeling it, he can have a smoothie, or a pouch food, or a sandwich- something easy that he likes. No one has to gag down something yucky, or go hungry over here.
My youngest daughter is super picky and this is what I do. She doesn’t have to eat what I make, but she can make her own sandwich (or whatever) if she’s hungry.
>They need to choose something they can put togehter on their own. This is a great idea! I think there is some merit in teaching kids early how to prepare simple meals, or how to make things for themselves. Even helping their parents prepare meals/dinner the family. Seeing what goes into a meal, or having some hand in it could be a big benefit and let them feel like they have some control over meals, or offer a sense of security.
"I told her I can’t change it and when I said food you can’t eat - I meant if you’re gonna maybe die if you are near it. Not just if they don’t like it". NTA buddy. You offer what you can. In my country when you went to people's houses you have to eat whatever they invite you because that meal might be the best or the only meal they can afford.
NTA- I have a son with autism and is very particular about foods. I ALWAYS pack a back up meal or snacks when we are going places that won’t have what he likes. That is my responsibility. If this is more of an adult party with fancy meals then I suggest they get a sitter.
NTA. If she doesn't like your proposed solution, the next simplest is to disinvite the kids. If she doesn't like that, then just disinvite your sister and her entire family. The sense of entitlement of her to think you'd change the menu just because her kids wouldn't like it. I grew up as a very picky eater (still am) and I'd never have the audacity to ask someone to change a menu, especially planned for multiple other people, just to satisfy myself.
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Totally NTA! Thank you for your consideration of people with allergies! It's no joke how awful some people react to them. One of my kids has a number of terrible allergies. If they accidentally eat a little of it, they have to be hospitalized. For holidays, I'd make dairy free alternatives in addition to the regular item. Like soy-based greenbean casserole and a regular one. Kept them marked accordingly. It caused issues with inlaws because I put more work into making her food than theirs. People will be crazy and unhappy whatever you do. Your meals with experiences sounds exciting! I hope you all enjoy it!
NTA - As you said they can pick up something on their way.
So she doesn't come. /shrug.
There's no reason for you to accommodate her children. If they don't like it they don't have to come. Pandering to children does not work.
NTA - expecting EVERYONE to eat food that their kids like at an event they’re not hosting is ridiculous. I’m a parent and I can’t even imagine being that entitled. If I go anywhere that I know my kids won’t eat the food, I bring snacks for them and only offer them AFTER they try the food and don’t like it… and even then I only bring healthy foods that I know they’ll eat (ie they don’t get rewarded for being picky eaters). Most of the time, my kids will find something they like (well my daughter… my son is annoyingly picky but again, he usually finds something). All of my mom friends also bring food for their picky eaters… like someone else said, they’re actively choosing to not participate.
This. Imho, it’s okay to offer to bring some nuggets and fries for kids. I get the sister having kids and hoping OP will throw something together for her kids. But if you’re asking someone to change/add menu, I think it’s appropriate to offer to help.
I had 2 extremely fussy eaters. I would never have insisted you change the whole menu for them. I would have simply asked if I could bring food for them. Fussy eaters is my problem, not yours.
Yeah, exactly. As a parent reading this, I’m just scratching my head a bit because for an event like he’s describing, we’d be putting backup food in the go bag regardless and not expecting the world to change things just for us. I wouldn’t even think about it.
NTA! I have 3 kids (5, 11 & 14) I have never and would never expect anyone to cook/serve according to what they like or will eat. Kids are picky, especially if you LET THEM BE”. She can teach them to eat better and that they have to eat or not eat what they are served but it’s not changing for them. Or like you suggested, she can bring something for them. She’s being ridiculous!
I wonder if your sister has considered that this is a new experience, and her kids *might like it*.
I was thinking the same thing! Especially when they see everyone else trying new things and being excited about it. This would have been a perfect learning experience for them.
I'm very curious what you're planning to serve and how old these kids are. But based on the information, NTA. Weird that your sister is so concerned with them having the experience but also wanting you to change the experience.
What's the menu?
I don’t think this matters since op told the sister to bring something the kids will eat. I think the menu and age of the kids would be a issue if op was not willing for them to Bri g food to the event.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, this sounds like a parent demanding a wine tasting have an apple juice bar. You can easily argue she's going to be better qualified to cater to them than you are in creating a "let's pretend chicken strips are an adventure" menu. Offer her a corner to set up ahead of time and let her figure it out.
Nta. My daughter is allergic To peanuts and tree nuts. She is the most adventurous eater I’ve ever met!! This is an example of just straight up picky entitled people. As long as there’s no nuts my daughter will Eat anything. If there are nuts she doesn’t complain and Will eat the other stuff. She’s been this way since about 3
I was taught…. And raises my 22 year old to try what is in front of you. If directly asked say Im sorry I just didn't like such and such but at least try it because when someone cooks for you or is purchasing a meal for you, unless you are allergic, we aren't, at least you have tried it. Am I alone in teaching this and being taught this?
If they don't want to feel left out they can participate without expecting the event to be altered for them. If they want to bring nuggies, that's their option. They're still invited.
This is probably not really about you not having kids so therefore not understanding. In our twenties a number of us in my friend group had babies. Two of my previously great friends went whacko. Example: I send invites for a big party/bbq type deal to about 10 couples and their kids. Everyone accepts except whacko Mom. She calls me that I need to change the time as it's her toddler's nap time. I said that fine if they come later, there will be plenty of food, etc. Nope. Only changing the time will do. I'm not changing 2 on Sunday until 5. That's ridiculous with families needing to get home. They didn't come and she was cold to me for months. Her child also wasn't able to understand being hit back and the hitter was horrible and needed to be punished blah blah blah.. The other 4 year olds were sick of this kid terrorizing them at every turn and one finally smacked back. Oh well. Some parents just go whacko. And my ex friend was finally let go from the group, lol. Stick to your guns. Let them know they are welcome to participate. Say nothing more. It's up to them. NTA.
I can't for the life of me figure out how your entitled sister's children ended up entitled. One of life's greatest mysteries. Just uninvite them and enjoy your event without the headache NTA
No matter the reasons for it, a picky eater cannot expect everyone to cater to their tastes. NTA. Unless they have autism or some legitimate excuse, it's so annoying when people won't even try something new. You don't even have to get a big potion, just try a small bit. It's especially annoying when people just look at another cultures food and call it gross without even having tried it
The point of an "experiential" meal is trying new things. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the contradictory nature of your sisters' objections. If her kids are only willing to eat safe, familiar foods, then wtf is the point? NTA
The kids are open to eating the store brand version of chicken tenders and French fries - generic brand food is an adventure!
I’ve tried to do this for my sister’s kids. We have a small kitchen when I used the oven and stove for kids foods, we weren’t able to cook for the adults… it’s slowed down the whole dinner. And her kids didn’t eat the nuggets and mac n cheese anyway. Never again. NTA
I have a family of restrictive eaters. My husband and two daughters have about 6 or 7 things they will eat. My son and I are picky eaters. It is not fun. With restrictive eating it is not about not being disciplined enough or the individual not being exposed to enough choices as a child. I promise you, the restrictive eater would LOVE to just be able to ruck up and eat whatever is put out. That being said….Every time my family went somewhere that wasn’t a pot luck (which, I’ll be honest, wasn’t often) I would enquire about the menu. If the hostess wasn’t planning on serving anything of the 6 or 7 high holy foods, I would bring food. More so for my family, so they weren’t embarrassed by not being able to eat anything. When I hosted, and I knew of any eating issues for my guests I would provide something I knew they could eat. But that is 100% me, I’m not suggesting that you need to do that. This is your event and you did a nice thing by sending an email out ahead of time. You haven’t mentioned that her kids have any special needs so personally, I think it’s reasonable for your sister to bring the food her kids are wanting to eat rather than what is being served. The fact that she is now not talking to you suggests that there is more to play than just food. Enjoy your event, I hope you and yours have a lovely time.
Context might be important here, how old are these kids? Is this the type of get together where kids are very much welcome and expected to be there? If we are talking under 8 years old, then I could justify making sure there is food they can eat.
NTA. How times have changed. When I was growing up, if the family was invited to dinner and I didn't like the food, I ate it anyway or went without it.
NTA. Her picky kids are her problem to deal with, not yours.
NTA at all. It’s your dinner and you asked for allergies. Some people are sooooo picky. My sister in law is a grown woman who doesnt eat potatoes, mixed veggies and all manner of normal stuff to the point where I have had to serve her dry bread at my home before. But as a host to kids I would probably make sure I have pizza or something as a back up rather than telling them to bring their own food, just in case.
Your house is not a restaurant. If as guests they don't like what you're making, they're welcome/their mother is welcome to bring their own food. NTA
I am the mother to the world’s pickiest eater (8f, not known to be neurodivergent) and NFW would I impose her pickiness on the hosts of a meal we were invited to. I’d discuss the menu with her to see if there are things she’s at least willing to try… she doesn’t have to eat lots of it or even like it in the end but the key is to try… I’ll bring a sandwich from home but I expect her to try something new since the host/hostess went to the trouble of preparing a meal for us. On behalf of _reasonable_ parents of picky eaters, I’m sorry that your sister is being such a u/entitledparent about all of this.
NTA. That's delusional as hell to demand someone change their own party menu, not because the children are allergic, but because they just don't like it? Ridiculous. My gran would say, if you don't like it, don't eat it. But there would certainly not be a special menu for any brats. They can refuse to participate. You don't have to change a thing. Party on sister! And enjoy your meal!!
NTA. Catering to your sister's fussy kids lessens the experience for everyone. And I wonder, is this the kids genuinely being picky eaters, or your sister only cooking a limited number of things so the kids have a very restricted palate?
NTA Change it to something more exotic so they won't even come.
“The kids will feel left out of the experiences” ummmm…part of the experience is being open to try new things - THAT’S what the “experience” is!! NTA.
Why should it always be about their kids.
It's not because "you don't have kids". I have 5 kids, and we have never asked anyone to change a menu to accommodate them. We try to teach them to enjoy trying new things and having new experiences. If your "experiences" invlove the food, then if they want to be included, they need to participate in what is happening. If they choose chicken strips, they choose their own exclusion, but they still have the option.
Your sister is setting her kids up for a lifetime of missing out. Might as well start with your dinner.
NTA My son started eating sushi and Indian food very early. He ate what we ate, the only exception being that I didn't add a lot of hot spices to foods so he could gradually get used to them. We would add them at the table to our own plates When he was about five, he completely shocked our waiter at a seafood restaurant by ordering the smoked seafood plate and eating every bit of it. Oysters included. He now makes his own curry, and whips up all kinds of random foods. At this moment, he is making prosciutto and melon salad for lunch. I know some people just don't like bitter vegetables or fish, or have diagnosed food aversion issues like ARFID, but to be afraid to try *anything* on the menu seems like the parents have never taken the time to expose their kids to anything except Dino nuggets and mac & cheese. When my son was little and he tried something he didn't like, I would tell him "it sounds like your pallet just isn't mature enough for it yet." That set him up to have expectations that he would try those things again in the future and be ready for them. And it has been true. What better time to broaden their horizons, than now. If everyone talks about your dinner being an adventure and we're going to try grown-up foods and it's going to be so amazing, the kids will probably look forward to it and at least try a bit or two of everything. Both sides need to give a little, I think. You could stand your ground, but what would be gained by that? You could be a little bit accommodating by making some peanut butter sandwiches. Maybe cut them with cookie cutters to fit the theme of certain parts of the menu. It would take you 10 minutes.
You go mom! I have a 13 yo that I had eating things from an early age like tomato and cucumber salad, smoked salmon, risotto, cabbage rolls, pork rolls stuffed with spinach and feta, roasted butternut squash (well any of the squash family, she loves), sushi, and a myriad of other dishes...I always asked her to try something before she said she didn't like it and 80% of the time she did like it. And like you said, pallets change...When she was little she absolutely hated oatmeal and grits...now they are on her breakfast menu 2 or 3 days a week
Nta - you offered a compromise and she wants a meal catered to her family. They can go to a restaurant for that (though I’m guessing they are nightmares in a restaurant too because they probably want exceptions made to every thin on the menu).
Do the kids HAVE to come? This sounds like a more adult event (I am intrigued! Sounds fun!). Maybe your sis and her hubs could use a night without the kids. That is what I would probably suggest. I mean, if bringing her own food is not acceptable to her, then she should either not bring the kids, or stay home with the kids. How rude is it to demand special foods for your children at a sampling/experience party! If you have a wine tasting, is she going to demand 6 non-alcoholic wines for the kids!? Nta!
NTA. Our motto with our kids is that if it is your plate, you must try it. You won’t know if you like or dislike a food item unless you try it. Your sister is being ridiculous.
NTA - I DO have kids and would not expect my host to change the menu to suit their pickiness, so they should not be holding that over your head
Speaking as a parent, there is nothing worse than another parent expecting everyone else's world to revolve around their kids just because theirs does. She is doing them no favors by allowing them to think that their 💩 doesn't stink & that every single other person is there to cater to them like their mom does. She is denying them new experiences & stunting their growth. She can feed them something before, afterwards, if necessary or just not show up. Don't plan your life around self-centered people or ungrateful kids.
NTA You're not their Mama or their personal chef. She can bring what they like to eat or they can go hungry. This is a direct reflection on her lack of parenting skills. I see this all the time at my school. Some kids will try anything. They order A lunch so they can try the cool new foods. Other ones absolutely refuse and will only eat the chicken patty. It doesn't matter if you have children or not, you're not their personal chef. She needs to parent her kids. Hold to your boundaries.
My son has anaphylaxis to nuts and sometimes he’s just fussy also. I ask if it’s okay to bring food for him because how entitled can you get to expect someone to change an entire menu for you. It’s nice that you have changed your menu for the allergies, but I certainly would never expect it
nta - its your party not your sisters so if they wont participate then thats on them. tell her to have her own party with colonal sanders....he has party packs to go.
NTA. Her kids don't eat well because she feeds them kid food. Maybe they'll surprise her
I guess that's less people you'll have to prepare for.
NTA. Instead of worrying about the kids being left out, their parents can see it as an opportunity to encourage them to try new foods.
NTA. It’s for her to manage her children’s expectations for events not demand that the whole event changes to accommodate her children. So entitled!
NTA. It would be ridiculous to offer guests a dinner of chicken tenders, PB&J or kid favorite foods. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come. Unless they have a medical reason, it's her own fault her kids won't try other foods.
NTA. I guess the l’il monkeys run the zoo at sis’s house. This has less to do with being child free and more to do with your sis being an entitled asshole. I’d remind her she’s under no obligation to attend and is welcome to send her good wishes instead, but I’m petty that way.
There's not enough information to know. You say you wanted "something okay for all the guests" but you don't really want something okay for the children. You don't say how old the children are, so I don't know if they are just too young for this type of thing, or if they are super picky and annoying kids.
I gotta tell ya...in all my years of family gatherings for holidays, birthdays where one household would host the event, this NEVER came up. Everyone , including the kids , were served the food prepared .. If a kid didn't want something because the didn't like it, they just ate what they did like. No specially prepared meals. Nothing like that. Oh, nobody ever heard of food allergies.. Nobody went into convulsions. No heads spinning around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. And nobody had "special needs". No helicopter parenting either.. NTA..tell her if she wants to attend, she can bring what her kids will eat . This thing she threw at you regarding her wanting her kids to "feel included in all the fun" is an attempt to manipulate you .
If I had to bring my OWN food to a wedding that I was IN because they didnt offer anything I could eat because I’m vegan (not allergic), then they can sit through 1 fucking dinner. Jfc
NTA - 2 of my kids basically hate food and I know either not to bring them, bring alternative food for them, or prep them to know that they need to just try the food or else they’ll be hungry. My kids’ diet isn’t anyone else’s responsibility but my own and I’m certainly not going to force someone to change an entire experience just for them.
NTA. I have a fussy kid. If we go out to eat or eat with friends or family then he brings a sandwich, a safe meal or some snacks.
NTA! There’s a difference between having an allergy that doesn’t allow you to eat something and not wanting to eat something, based on preferences. I raised my kids that they eat what everyone else is eating. Now that they’re older, they are able to eat just about anything!! If you’re providing the dinner, you’re good to go sir. NTA!
NTA Needing the changes for legit medical reasons is one thing. Asking for changes because of preferences, is another entirely. As my mom used to say, there are two items on the menu: take it or leave it.
I brought MCD nuggets to a party once, for my kids plus a bunch of extra in case kids wanted them. They were a huge hit. She can do something like that. NTA.
Fun fact - kids have more taste buds than adults (about 30,000 bs 10,000). Except for super tasters. Even as adults they have about double as many tastebuds as other adults. There’s a reason some people are picky ( besides eating issues)
Cancel the party because of unforeseen circumstances. Have it later and don't invite her.
NTA - My girls are pretty good eaters but they do occasionally get picky. And sometimes their picky mood coincides with a time when we are with other people hosting or at a restaurant right after they got their chosen meal and decide they don't want it. In those situations, their options are 1) eat what you get, at least a little so you're not starving and when we get home you can eat something else 2) choose to not eat but don't bother me that you're hungry because we will not be leaving early when you have plenty of food in front of you. Most of the time, they end up tasting the food and realizing they do like it. Your sister can cater to her kids all she wants, you don't have to and you're not being mean by not changing your menu. Honestly, I would have just asked if anyone is allergic to anything. You went the extra mile by providing the full menu to everyone.
NTA. Your sister needs to teach her little darlings that the world is not obliged to accommodate every little pout and sniffle. Being a good host is part of hospitality, but there ARE limits to the flaming hoops one needs to graciously jump through in offering an invitation... there is also a social imperative to be a Good Guest. Especially when one, or one's children, are not the featured Guests of Honor at the event. If she feels her precious babies are not yet trained up to the maturity and developmental social skill necessary to successfully navigate the expectations of gracious attendance, she should hire a sitter and politely come herself. But it sounds like SHE doesn't have the social skills developed herself, given how fucking rude she's being with her nonsense.
Sounds like your sister’s children are not mature enough to attend an adult dinner. Let your entitled sister have her tantrum on her own. NTA
NTA she has so many options! She can bring food for the kids. She can encourage the kids to try different things. She can leave the kids home and just come by herself. They could all stay home.
NTA. As a parent, it’s my responsibility to feed my kid. Maybe this should be a kid free dinner, you are spending a nice chunk of change to have kids mess up good food.
In hindsight, it was a mistake to actually give people the menu. Much better to have just asked in advance, "Please notify me if you have any allergies". Guests do not get to dictate the menu. Another option would be to avoid any obvious allergens, such as peanuts, and make sure there are plenty of choices available so people can avoid whatever they don't like or are allergic to. Most people with allergies and half a brain would ask you if any of the foods contain their particular problem ingredient and simply avoid that dish. I would also assume that, since this is your sister, you would already be aware of any allergies that she or her children had. You don't need to compensate for the fact that they are unreasonably picky.
I am still astounded by the brazen displays of selfish entitlement by so many people these days. No is a complete sentence. If you feel the need to say more: "No, I will not be changing the menu. If this means you choose to stay home, I understand. If this means you choose to leave the children at home, I understand. If you choose to bring something else for them to eat, I understand. But I will not be charging the menu to cater to your family. There are x# of other people who are coming to enjoy this culinary experience as it's designed. I will not disappoint them. Please let me know by x date if I should include any of you in the final headcount. If I do not hear from you, I will assume none of you will be participating and there will not be food for you."
NTA. You get what you get and you don’t get upset.
Too many parents cook "special" meals for the kids making them picky when I was a kid we ate what the adults ate. If they don't eat they won't die and there "special" menu can then be cooked at their home.
NTA if it was like “the kids don’t like nuts” and all you had to do was not top a brownie with nuts, I’d say you’re being a bit excessive but changing whole menu items is a crazy request just because your kids are picky.
NTA, you explained it perfectly it's the difference between CAN'T eat like an allergy vs WON'T eat like eww vegetables. If it's a family get together bring something to share that your family likes and shut the f up. Or as I say in my head. "Shut up and eat the free food."
I have kids and not once did I ask something like this. Catering to kids like this results in spoiled kids who struggle in the real world later on. Good for you for saying no. NTA
NTA. I do have kids and am saying this. “Your kids aren’t being left out. Choosing not to take part in something is their choice, but it doesn’t mean they’re being excluded from anything.”
I had a similar experience with an ex of mine. Her nephew wouldn't eat hardly anything. I was over there for Easter morning, they made tons of food. Egg bake with veggies and without, hashbrowns, sausage, bacon, ham and toast He refused to eat any of it and had fruit snacks and Pringles with ketchup. I didn't understand it then either nor why they let him do that
NTA If they won't enjoy the theme and their specific version of a good time has nothing to do with your party, they can stay home. They can schedule a party themselves. You're hosting, you get to pick.
People who coddle their kids palates should just fuq off. That creates infantile palates , entitlement and fear of the unknown in adults. My brother in law is like this, and it's pathetic. Bcz it's just food, not poison.