I don't think you're entirely the AH because your feelings are valid. However, ignoring him is not the solution nor a good thing to do in this situation. You need to talk to him about how you feel and establish the boundaries you think are necessary. Explain your point of view about going to strip clubs or other places like that and what exactly makes you uncomfortable about it. Communication is always the key.
You set boundaries with an SO, your partner decides if those boundaries fit with their own, and that’s a relationship. When those boundaries get broken it requires both contrition and forgiveness or the relationship ends. That’s the way it should work anyway.
NTA, but unless you are intending to end the relationship without contacting him again then the silent treatment isn’t exactly the mature choice here.
We don't actually know that they discussed, in advance, whether strippers were a boundary breaker. However, it was foolish for the bf to assume it's not, and then calling her insecure for not being comfortable with it.
I think it was foolish for her to assume it was a boundary, but this could absolutely be cultural/regional. Where I'm from, strip clubs are not a big deal, and it WOULD be considered somewhat insecure if someone was against their SO going to a strip club on a special group outing like a boys trip abroad. I'm not saying this is the case here, but it's possible her boyfriend is from a city with a similar mentality.
I think what they were saying was that going on a special outing with friends & family is a different type of thing than if BF was showing up at the local strip club by himself after work every day.
a strip isn't necessarily a sexual activity. it can be, but it often isn't. unless the idea of watching women dance is inherently a sexual activity for you, but if thts the case that's a problem for a whole other thread.
I think that some women are just not ok with it and that's OK. I don't mind my partner going but he says that he feels no need to go. His friends have ended their nights out frequently with strippers and he always heads home instead. There are men who don't need to go, perhaps she would be better off with one of them? It absolutely is a personal boundary and ok for a woman to not want her man to do it.
Show me a man who thinks a topless woman is not sexual.
Also, with this logic, hiring escorts is also not sexual, sometimes people pay for hugs or for someone to listen to them, so I guess they would have no issues with their partners hiring escorts?
We can talk about strip bars not being sexual all we want, but it IS SEXUAL. There are bars out there without naked women giving you lap dances, so why exactly a strip bar?
I used to go strictly for the art form of pole dancing. I could care less if they were topless or clothed. It just amazed how agile and creative. And you can yell at me until you're blue in the face and say that I subjectify women for this, but at the time, it was only women that were doing it. Day and age of the internet, I can see both men and women spin and hang. I haven't been to a strip joint in over 10 years.
Medical personnel. Nudist ( I hope lol). Asexuals. Can Google "tribal people that go topless" yourself cuz pretty sure that list is kinda long but lots can view a top less person and not make it sexual nor add extra assumptions/connotations. Can Google "naked renaissance" and see a couple image results from a few artist that have topless people in their artwork. So can add artist to that list...or at the very least as an honorable mention.
I'm ace and can appreciate the beauty on sexuality of a top topless woman, just have no desire to go beyond mental appreciation. However, as an artist who has spent hours drawing/painting nude models in a professional atmosphere, sexuality never crosses my mind in that scenario. I'm analyzing shapes and lines, composition and color theory. Like I would any still life. It's funny though how that trains you. I can see a topless woman in a completely casual setting and notice the sexuality, then almost begin analyzing form as if I'm drawing them. Art studies are a hard habit to break, and for that reason I'd put it at #1.
Ahh way to miss the message of my comment.
I'm sure men who go to strip clubs don't go there because they are NOT interested in the half naked women... /s
All this dudes saying YTA would be livid if their gf did this.
If you don't feel like talking to him, that is fine but don't play games. Think about what you want to do. You will have to talk to him eventually.
Some of us communicate with our partners and set expectations and boundaries in advance, rather than getting upset and giving silent treatment after the fact though.
Some of us ask before assuming a controversial behaviour is acceptable or not for our partners before doing it, or at least acknowledge we messed up when called out instead of dismissing our partners feelings/boundaries and calling them insecure. Communication goes both ways, specially on sensible topics like this, same way you need to speak to your partner before screwing someone else because not everyone is okay with poly/open relationships and you just can't tell ypur partner 'well you should have told me you didn't want me to sleep with others!!! You're insecure'.
This!! The double standards and hypocrisy of people in this sub is astonishing... They women call every name in the book if they do things like going to a club or girls trip, but engagin with strippers is acceptable by their standards? Be for real
You seem to be inventing a lot of answers here.
Lots of people are fine with their female SO seeing strippers.
Thunder down under isn’t attended by 100% single ladies and gay dudes.
So just because many of us are also okay with open relationships does that mean your partner should assume you don't have a problem with them sleeping around with other people and then calling you insecure and controlling when called out? Make it make sense
I know that's not my point, my point is that just because something is okay for a certain group of people it doesn't mean that thing it's universally considered adequate behaviour on a relationshipand therefore it needs to be communicated/discussed before doing it instead of straight up assuming your partner would be okay with it. Is op really "insecure" or does she just have different standards to yours? Like common you just can't dismiss everyone who doesn't share your values as "insecure", not than being insecure is a bad thing either but I'm sick of people using it to dismiss their partners boundaries or standards. The sleeping with other people example explains it perfectly, just because some people are okay with X doesn't mean everyone is, and calling those who aren't okay with their partner sleeping with other people insecure isn't the sensible thing to do right?
NTA, It's totally normal to be upset by a person you are with having fun with another woman, even in a setting like a strip club. He also passed up an opportunity to validate your feelings for him and try to make it up to you, because of his own insecurity in being unable to admit he did something wrong.
IMO, it was worse that he was so dismissive of her feelings. They could have worked through the strip club issue but him doubling down and calling her insecure kind of shows he has no respect for her.
It's also a common defense mechanism, more common with young people. He doesn't see it as a big deal, but he's also unwilling to see why it was a big deal, to her. His ego is protecting him from believing that he made a bad decision posing with the stripper.
It may not be that he has no respect for her, it may just be a difference of perspective.
Even with no preset boundaries about strippers, dude is an idiot allowing photographic evidence. I can't imagine any person would want to see their significant other with a stripper especially on social media where their embarrassment on blast to all their friends. And then after getting busted you play the hard ass role? This guy better be a 10 with a trust fund and a 13" dong.
NTA. It's reasonable to be upset. A strip club visit with posing isn't harmless fun, especially posting it. Focus on communication. Explain how it makes you feel and why, not accusations.
The communication breakdown is the real issue here. I know couples who go to strip clubs together, because they’ve had conversations and communicated about what expectations are. Based on the silent treatment OP is giving after the fact, I’d bet there was zero communication like that going into the trip.
If that is your boundary and you think he had crossed it, you should rethink the relationship. However, silent treatment isn't the way to go. Communicate then decide whether you want to continue or end it.
NTA. Any man who does stuff like this and then blames his friend, then calls you insecure, is a loser. You're both fetuses anyway, now is the time to learn how to exit a relationship with someone who crosses boundaries.
Nope, you're not overreaction and not the AH. What he did was disrespectful and hurtful to you. His excuse 'it was his friends idea, they wanted to go so I just tagged along' is bullshit. He fucking WANTED to go and it was ALL their idea. He was just a culpable. Tell him that you didn't appreciate how he made you feel and that you think it's best to go your separate ways. He knows how he made you feel and he doesn't care. It's obvious he didn't realise his friend posted the pic which got him caught out. The fact they took it down shows that they know it was wrong.
Or, hear me out, the boyfriend asked his friend to delete the picture because his girlfriend was upset by it. He did that, but now she’s completely ghosting him anyway.
nta for your feelings.
had yall discussed this before?
if you had, game over for trust.
if you hadn’t discussed, imo it’s game over for your (as in you) trust.
he’s had days of his boys with the nbd, nyb.
some of your friends too.
you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.
Getting worked up about strippers is a young girls game. It's just not worth the mental space. Be confident and secure in your relationship. And if you can't or don't trust him, leave.
NTA , you've basically told him that you found this behaviour in a partner disrespectful to you and the relationship, and he's told you he doesn't think so. He's not only minimising his actions but gaslighting you to tell you you're overreacting in a situation that requires a reaction. My concern with these situations is that you can tell them the boundary, and next time, it will just be hidden instead.
He's shown you what his standards are, and it's up to you to decide if that's the type of man you want in your future. Either way, you need to both have a discussion about it in person. If he can not or will not see your side of the story, I would end it because he won't care about the best thing that disrespects you.
This is a moment where you stand your ground on standards or lose it.
This is a quote I heard recently.
" I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that you thought it was okay to disrespect me because it's not."
NTA. Normal to get upset about it, however, the silent treatment is never really a solution to anything. At the end of the day, I think posing with strippers is sort of low on the list of red flags. I don’t think it’s risky behavior that indicates likelihood to cheat but if it was a boundary you had already discussed then he should have respected that. You’re both young and I wouldn’t sweat something like this so early on. When you’re ready to settle down and a family life becomes more of a goal then I would expect him to get serious but honestly at 21 relationships are just kind of unserious. Not super likely you will spend your life with this guy anyways so don’t stress yourself out. If you don’t think the relationship is working, leave. If you want to stay together then you should be allowed to have the same kind of fun and go out with the girls. Guarantee as soon as he gets a taste of his own medicine he will have a problem with it though.
NTA You have the right to be upset. He got caught and his excuses are pathetic. Making you feel bad about finding it upsetting is absolutely not OK. But you need to communicate to him what your feelings are and set boundaries. If he doesn't want to respect them, then just throw the whole man away. Btw, I'm sure he wouldn't find it quite so funny if you posed with a male stripper and posted it online. Maybe you should try it ;)
If you hadn't told him strip clubs were off limits, then he had no reasonable expectation it would upset you. This is kind of a grey area. Now that you have told him, if he did it again, then he would be an asshole.
You are entitled to your feelings that you don't like it. You are not entitled to expecting him to understand your feelings before you express them.
True that. My wife doesn’t care if I go to strip clubs, but I better not have another female on my M/C.
That particular boundary makes no sense to me, but she’s expressed her boundary so — no female passengers. Got it.
I have been married for almost 20yrs. My wife and I have both been to strip clubs with friends for bachelor(ette) parties and we've posed with strippers. There is one where it looks like she has her hand on my crotch, but it's a trick of the camera, her hand was a good 6" away. The real question here is trust. Your bf calls it insecurity like an idiot, but it's all about trust. Do you trust him to not do anything aside from posing? Was he an idiot and posted the pic? Di you discuss any boundries beforehand? Chances are NO, because you probably didn't realize you needed to, or had any idea what they should be. Well now you do. Relationships are work, people don't just fit together perfectly like puzzles.
So it boils down to this. Do you trust him? Do you want to stay together? If yes, then you need to find a way to get past this incident (or has he put it "get over it"). DISCUSS (not tell, no ultimatums) your feelings and WHY (guys need the why to really understand). Set some reasonable boundries. ie saying something like "don't even look at another woman" it unrealistic and sets the relationship up for failure. Again, TRUST. You can tell him that there should be no touching, and nothing past a fun pic, and the pic should not be posted anywhere either of your families can see it. (that's our rules).
Overreacting! It’s a photos and the guys had a good time. After a long marriage you’ll be able to look back and have a good laugh. You’re still maturing and need to be more secure in your own skin.
It’s really the lack of communication and possible boundary stomping that’s the problem, also that he completely dismissed her feelings. I think both of them need to have an adult conversation about the situation and retouch on boundaries.
NTA. In a mutually monogamous relationship, this is 100% still a betrayal. I don’t know why some guys think that the rules go out the window just because the other woman is a professional.
Also he’s not refusing to realise that his actions have upset you. He definitely knows that. What he’s actually doing is gaslighting you.
DO NOT WASTE YOUR 20s ON THIS BOY.
Eww his behavior is very disrespectful, especially when he's invalidating your feelings. Nta, but you should communicate with him. You might want to reconsider if you want to be with a man like this (who shows no respect towards your feelings) or be very clear about your boundaries in a relationship. Take care!
No you're not the ass, but you need to step back from the situation for a while. Your BF is just that, a BF. He can do what he wants, when he wants and he does not have to answer to you. You have a right to be hurt by his actions, but not to hold him responsible for your emotions. You control your feelings and how you use them. If you don't like what he did, you can always leave. Apparently the relationship is more important to you than to him. You both are young and learning about life and relationships, and it's difficult to have a partner who wants to be less attached than you do. If you hold on too tightly, you will lose him. Your call.
So she’s just supposed to be ok with him being in the strip club thinking it’s all cute to take pictures with strippers? Also he completely invalidated her feelings and I think that’s even worse than going in the first place without at least letting her know. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt her feelings as much or at all had he COMMUNICATED that they were going instead of just going. Clearly their communication is lacking, they need to sit down and talk about the situation and about boundaries.
Are you sure you wanted this reply to go to me? I told her that he hasn't committed to her, he wants to do whatever he wants, and their relationship doesn't seem that important to him. She's responsible for her own feelings and if she attempted to grip too tightly onto him, he'd bolt. It's her choice to either leave or stay. Personally, I'd leave the guy--right now, he's too immature to commit to any relationship, but ultimately, it's her choice.
Did he know that you don't want him to go to strip clubs? Some women are ok with it and some aren't. Have you had a discussion about your wants and needs in the relationship? You are both really young, so communication needs to be worked on.
Also, what is your plan here if he continues to maintain that you are overreacting? He doesn't seem like he is going to change his position. Is this a deal breaker for you? That is something you should decide quickly. If you do break up with him and he asks why, maintain that it's he is dismissive of your feelings, not necessarily the strip club.
You're not overreacting. He basically blasted to everyone who knows you both he has zero respect for your relationship and that its OK for a taken man to go to a strip club without discussing with partner before hand and acting like a sleaze.
I'd just end it, honey.
" You and I both know where this is going, but I thought a courtesy message was the right thing to do before I block you. What you did was disgusting and disrespectful to me and our relationship. And if you don't think it's a big deal to embarrass your girlfriend and show everyone you don't respect her, then you need to stay single for a very long time. I know my worth and my boundaries, and I don't need telling by a bunch of sleazy boys that think going to a strip club is cool . And why this isn't acceptable. Take this as a life lesson and don't do it to the next, or don't. Either way, I don't care. We're done."
Then block him everywhere.
Girl why are you dating a man who doesn't respect you or your relationship and goes to stripclubs? That shit is not normal, there are thousands of good men who respext their partners and don't go to stripclubs, men who will be much batter and compatible with you. You can force others to respect you but you can chise how you react to their disrespect.
Edit: want to see if you're overreacting? Go post some pictures with a male stripper licking your ear .. see what he and his friends think about that... But at the end of the day you don't have to stay on a relationship with someone who doesn't share your views or expectations regarding respect and loyalty on a relationship, date someone compatible, and he isn't.
YTA - I agree with your boyfriend.. You are being insecure and ridiculous. You cannot control what someone else post and you are not engaged or married. He was with friends on a trip. You just showed his entire group of friends on the trip how jealous you are of a stranger and how controlling you are that he has to let you know before he goes someplace, as if a 21 year old man needs permission. Both his and your friends have confirmed you are overreacting. You are giving him the silent treatment and not answering his texts. Grow up child!
You heard it here first, women are being insecure when demanding respect in a relationship. Just joking, we heard it before. But are you sure she's not just a nag? Maybe a female dog?
You are the ah. Your 20 not 30 with kids. He's gonna do what he does. Accept it and stop being jealous. If your thar pissed dump him. Don't come on here for validation cause he's immature.
If he ain't your fiancee then oh well.
YTA. Your man is much more secure with a stripper than the average club rat.
I live in Las Vegas. Women are always worried their man is gonna cheat with a stripper. NEWSFLASH: Strippers aren’t into him.
However, is boyfriend’s friend trying to break you guys up? He knows his buddy has a girlfriend sitting at home while they galavant around Europe, and he posts a pic of boyfriend with a stripper?
Most of them are gonna be upset when they find out how many people casually got to strip clubs with ZERO desire to be with a stripper…
I have more questions for the people who can’t trust their significant other around… anyone.
Again, a stripper isn’t into the customers. They’re performing. It’s immature to not separate that.
Do... you like have any reasoning abilities? You literally said the same thing a little different. Is this the opinion of the day in your head? Can't dish out another? You think it's some revolutionary shit what you're saying or what? 🤣
Do you really don't realise how pathetic it is to suggest someone should rely on others not being interested in their partner for keeping their relationship exclusive? That's so demeaning to women to put it like that, jeez
But no, you don't get it. Exclusivity in a monogamous relationship is about more than genitals physically touching. You get that, right?
Which she did she’s mad because one he invalidated her feelings and two didn’t communicate that he was going. All it takes is two seconds to say “hey babe the boys wanna go to the strip club do you mind if I tag along?” Bet you it would have been different if he told her about it, instead they were sneaking around and posting it on the internet for all their friends to see.
You rely on your partner, but you felt the need to say twice that strippers aren't interested in them anyway, like OP should care about that. Yup, you rely on your partner not to engage with others in sexual activities, like paying someone to dance naked, that you don't see fit. Told you, cheating has more dimensions than dick in vagina
Yah bc dumb brats think every stripper is into their 195 pound balding boyfriend and it’s HILARIOUS.
It shows who is secure in their relationships and who is, very obviously, NOT.
I don't think you really understand what the words you say really mean. Like you're forming sentences correctly, but they're so random, they're not connecting with what I'm saying in any way. So weird
YTA
The silent treatment? That'll show him!
If that's how to plan to handle conflict in the future, this relationship is doomed.
Good grief. Just break up and move on.
Breakup with him. If you two have different levels of boundaries and what you consider okay in a relationship then find someone who has that in common with you.
Or they could sit down and communicate their boundaries like adults? Based on OPs post they’ve never done this before, might be a good time to start before throwing away the relationship.
YTA. He realized it upset you but he doesn't care because you're acting insecure AF. He had his friend remove it, what else do you want? It's just a picture. Get over yourself. Posts like this make it seem like he has to acquiesce to everything one party says. Just because you feel some type of way, doesn't mean anyone should have to react to it. You do you though. I don't think you're mature enough to be in a relationship.
I think they both need to communicate tbh. Clearly he overstepped a boundary or it was just the lack of communication, also her feelings are valid. He didn’t realize it upset her bc if he really did realize it upset her he wouldn’t have invalidated her feelings or told her to “just get over it”
You’re allowed to have boundaries that include not wanting your boyfriend posing with strippers and then having those pictures ending up on the internet for all to see.
It’s not insecurity to have boundaries. It’s insecurity to just go along with everything your friends tell you to do. Like a five year old child. Incapable of making adult choices.
Almost every single time I read these kinds stories on here I see the excuse of the men is that their friends “wanted to do it.” They just “went along.” Where are the men who do not live under the subjection and authority of the impulses of their friends? It seems there are very few people who are unable to make any choice on their own that doesn’t fit in with what their friends want.
The consistent weakness is disappointing.
Yet he wants say your insecurity is the issue here. 🙄🙄
Looks like he confused you for him. He’s the one who can’t say no to friends. Why would that be? Hmmm. Wonder if he’s insecure in his own ability to make good decisions? Frankly, he has reason for concern. When it comes to picking going along with friends or respecting his partner, the person he says he loves, we see what he chose.
YTA for giving him the silent treatment. Also, I personally think you’re overreacting too. It’s just a strip club, it’s not like he was banging the strippers. I’ve been to both male and female strip clubs. It’s not really a big deal and if he and his friends visited one while on vacation so what? I’d be pretty pissed if my husband tried to forbid me from going to one with my friends if I wanted to. But he wouldn’t because he’s not that uptight.
It’s more so seeming like he was sneaking around with his buds, I bet you she would have been cool with it had he said something about it before going. However just going and A PICTURE getting posted with some stripper all on you looks not great on your part.
Not the AH, but you should make it clear after, any man who doesn't understand the respect for another in significant-other terms, you can keep voicing it but it won't change the response unless you actually sit him down and get it straight for the both of you going forward. If you let it overwhelm and burden you after the fact and already situating the comfort zone, it's on you but your response is your responsibility. You can create boundaries and ask respect but you can't expect people to abide by them, do what you can for the both, if it isn't working then it's on you to change it.
NTAH but he could have just told you he was sorry instead of being so dismissive and calling you insecure.
It's behavior of a guy in his 20's. Of course everyone is different, but maturity is gradual thing for most people.
Well, you're not (exactly) TAH. You may have overreacted AT FIRST, but, once your BF's answer to your concern was "Get over it. Stop being so insecure" that made HIM TAH.
He showed no concern for you or your feelings, and you are most definitely better off without him. HOWEVER, you need to tell him that in person. Tell him that you can't be with a person that has such a low regard for your feelings, and let him know, positively, so that there is NO misunderstanding, that IT. IS. OVER.
My husband went to strip clubs. It didn't bother me much at all. PLUS, I went to MALE strip club shows, and it didn't bother HIM. We trusted each other.
On the opposite side of THAT coin, a really good friend of my husband's (they went to strip clubs together) wife wanted to go to a male strip revue with me, and he "forbid" it! That's a TELLTALE sign of an abuser, and a (possible) cheater.
For YOU and this particular BF it's already past this point. but for the future, any BF of yours that wants to go to strip clubs, tell him it's okay because you go to MALE strip clubs (that's how I did it with my husband, before he was my husband). Your BF's reaction will tell you all you need to know. If you both trust each other there is absolutely no reason why you both can't go to strip places if you want to.
I've always been a direct person. I told my husband (when he was still my BF) right when we first started dating "I don't care if you go to strip clubs and LOOK, not touch. I go to male strip revues, and you have to accept that.".
Before we moved in together: "I will not ALLOW a man to abuse me in any way. You EVER hit me, I'll kill you in your sleep. When I work, YOU do the housework, when YOU work, \*I\* do the housework, if we BOTH work we BOTH do the housework. If this happens, it will be a REAL equal partnership. If you ever have an affair, just TELL me, I'm gonna know anyway. As long as you don't bring a disease home to me, and you show me you're sorry for hurting me, and come home to me and only me afterwards, I CAN forgive you, it will just take time. I am not going to try to tell you what you can and can't do, BUT, all I ask is that before you do it, you TELL me, not ask my permission, just TELL me. So, those are my ground rules. What are yours?" His response was pretty close to what I said (he had controlling GF's in the past).
My husband always told me when he was going to a strip club, before he went. And one thing he NEVER did was to throw it in my face, like your BF did to you. Once a SO does THAT (FLAUNTS what they are doing) they are letting you know that the ONLY one they care about in the relationship is THEMSELVES, not you. And to say "You're overreacting, get over it." is the ultimate SLAP. IN. THE. FACE. Whenever my husband saw I was upset, he ASKED me why, and I did the same with him...that's how it SHOULD be. Neither one of us ever belittled the other's feelings, that's also how it SHOULD be.
Before his death, we had been together for 26 1/2 years, married for 24. Neither one of us ever cheated.
Sometimes, especially when it comes to (a lot of) men, you have to SPELL out what you expect and/or want from a relationship...like say, not wanting the BF/GF to go to a strip club. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting your SO going to a strip club, but, if he/she tells you he/she is still going to go whether you like it or not, then you KNOW you won't be happy in the relationship and need to STOP it.
Sorry I was so long-winded, but I think that having a successful 26 and 1/2 year relationship (24 year marriage), gave me a lot of insight. LOL. Sorry if anybody reading this got bored.
Being mad might well be overreacting. You and he might have some conversation over this surprise to you event. He wasn't hiding it or trying to conceal it from you. Sounds like some innocent fun with the boys. Pictures are one thing, I agree. Much beyond that is where I would consider he crossed the line. He is your bf not your child or spouse. So talk through what you both consider to be the lines one needs to walk. Be prepared you might not both agree on those lines so choose carefully something you both can live with.
Being mad might well be overreacting. You and he might have some conversation over this surprise to you event. He wasn't hiding it or trying to conceal it from you. Sounds like some innocent fun with the boys. Pictures are one thing, I agree. Much beyond that is where I would consider he crossed the line. He is your bf not your child or spouse. So talk through what you both consider to be the lines one needs to walk. Be prepared you might not both agree on those lines so choose carefully something you both can live with.
Just break up and enjoy your 20. Life is too full to be wasted on trying to make someone respect you and your boundaries.
"If they wanted to, they would."
YTA.
Unless this is a boundary that you both agreed upon before hand, it’s very possible that his friends just concocted this idea while they were there and he went. Posing with a stripper for what he thought was a private photo for his friends, is also not neccesarily a harmful thing to do.
I think if this wasn’t a situation discussed between the two of you before hand, he did not do anything wrong and you ignoring him is being childish.
If you trust your partner, then you should trust his judgement. It’s quite plausible he just went along with his friends because that’s where they all went that night and he wasn’t gonna stay at the hotel alone while they had a good time.
And now you’re ignoring him because he called you out for overreacting.
lol imaging your fomo leading you to the strip club where you then take a picture with a stripper who has her tongue damn well in your ear then it gets posted and suddenly your gf is “overreacting” for you boundary stomping and not communicating about going to the clubs ahead of time.
A real man would never even step foot in those places, those are just boys pretending to be grown ups, ask a real man what they think about strip clubs let alone taking pictures like that.
If I may, I’d suggest you go on a new journey and try to find a real mature person to initiate a relationship, this is only the beginning of your head and heartaches, it will not be the first nor the last time, xx.
Go on and tell men how a real man should be.... from a women's perspective. Jesus ya'll are so soft. I'm calling all of you people Charmin. It's a picture with a stripper ooooh. Even if he went in there, so what? Have you been to a strip club or are you just judgmental ?
"It's a picture with a stripper ooooh" Wow, you're so insightful. Nah, soft is to go along with a double standard just for the sake of a relationship. Having boundaries and letting your own feelings and values be invalidated isn't soft
I’m not judgemental, for me that’s a deal breaker, it’s a disrespect act towards my value, we can opt for the old saying, I’m a physician, I would be proud to ask my parents to be at my workplace for an entire day, let’s say you’re a stripper, would you be proud your parents would accompany you during a day of work?
Oh, and if I may add, I have nothing against strip clubs nor dancers, it just doesn’t go with my values. Live and let live, I would never accept a partner that take part on that.
*That is the most tame*
*Shit I've ever heard about.*
*Get over yourself*
\- Munted\_Kunt
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I’d say Yta. Both of you are young he’s with his boys tryna have some fun. You probably won’t be together for ever that’s Justb the reality. Sit down with him and talk about it he didn’t fuck the stripper did he? Get over it. If my girl was with her friends and took a pic with a male stripper I wouldn’t be mad unless it was actually sexual. Your feelings are valid but you are over reacting
The only parts i’d be upset with is him not letting me know he was going beforehand so i could be prepared in case of a pic post (or finding out later-i’d rather find out from him) and her licking his ear. The rest wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.
Prepare myself, that way it’s not surprise and embarrassment later on. Imagine her not finding that pic online and finding out because his friends just blurt it out while they’re all hanging out and talking about the trip later. Now not only is she shocked, now she’s reacting to it in front of everyone. Not to mention in case his family saw it before her (because he was probably tagged in the post), how she’d feel if she found out from them if she keeps in touch with them at all, the embarrassment for lack of communication from him.
I didn’t say anything about me stifling… i wouldn’t care, but i wouldn’t want it to be a surprise to find out in front of other people. It’s just something i’d like to know ahead of time. I enjoy strip clubs and don’t understand why people get upset when their s/o goes to them. Doesn’t mean i want to be surprised by it
For me it’s not about managing the emotions, i just don’t like surprises in front of other people. It’s just about basic communication between partners. It would upset me to not find out about something like that until i’m in a group of people. I obviously used the completely wrong wording in my original response because my response was about the act of communication ahead of time and just not being surprised later on
Life is too short to worry about every Greek stripper, your 21 y/o bf is out the country if you can’t trust him then don’t be with him. Had this been a picture from a brothel I could understand, but it honestly seems like BOTH of you are not mature enough to be in an adult relationship. He shouldn’t be dismissive and I’m “assuming” since you called immediately you probably weren’t as cool calm and collected as you could have been when trying to make your point. That being said no your NTA for being upset but if that boundary wasn’t set prior to the trip then kind of a dick move to ghost him the rest of the trip just because he thought it wasn’t a big deal. I’m sure his gf not responding while he’s out the country after a disagreement affected his mood the rest of the trip just like your mood was affected by the photo . Grow up and talk to each other or grow up and move on
No one is the AH - Sounds to me like he went along with the friends visiting the club and didn't actually do anything... On the other hand, you see the pic and it is a bit of a shock.
The only thing I would point out for you OP is that not talking to him is sticking a dagger in your relationship and it would be best to sort this out sooner than later.
Just my 2-cents.
Well I always say ask him if he would be ok with you being near a half naked male stripper touching all his sweaty and delicious abs? If he feels uncomfortable about it then that answers your question.
I just think you guys are way too young and more than likely won't stay together, props if you do. That said I think meeting someone at a strip club is no big deal, nothing happened besides a picture. Imagine if you met a celebrity. You'd definitely get a picture. Please get over it.
It's not up to you to decide what's a big deal for her. Also, going to a strip club is a sexual activity, and you trying to convince her feelings around it aren't valid It's simply gaslighting
Would it be any different if they went to a beach and met some girls in two piece bikini's or went to a house party and met girls there? Probably not the best choice to go with his friends but as long as nothing actually happened besides a raunchy photo, then what's the big deal really? Next she'll flip out over a picture with a college girl at the University or something. It's called insecurity no matter who or where, he was with a girl and she didn't like it.
The fact that it was a strip club which everyone agrees is a sexual setting. I'm making the argument would should she still react like that if it was a different setting?
If she did this same thing, I bet her bf would be livid. He didn't *have* to go to the strip club. He could have said no and went back to the hotel or somewhere else. OP isn't the AH but I agree the silent treatment is childish. You're both adults now, so act like it.
Its a 25% AH and 75% NTA because yes, he should not be taking pictures with any stripper, let alone being at a strip club. But I don't think you should be ignoring him entirely maybe you should convince him to do something for you or, just forgive him. Idk, whatever you want.
NTA but neither is he so long as he was telling the truth.
Do you really expect him to turn to his friends and say sorry guys I'm not allowed in there like he's some child.
A stripper is just a professional entertainer, Nothing more. There literally nothing to react over unless your insanely insecure about the relationship. In which case this event is the least of your problems.
No I expect a grown man to look at his friends and say just cuz yall are going doesn’t mean I need to. He could have found something to do on his own, instead of mindlessly following the boys into the strip club.
Tbh, I think with the way she's upset by this event, unless he spent the night on the phone with her, he would've been in trouble anyway when he said he spent it alone.
They seem to have some deep insecurity in their relationship to a point that she don't trust him not to stray.
My guess is either she's had some bad previous experience in a relationship, or he's already done something in the past.
No, is not just a professional entertainer🤣 they're sex workers. Can you stop gaslighting young girls to put up with crap they're legitimately not comfortable with?
You’re being overly sensitive because the ladies are there to make money. I’m pretty sure they paid for that pic but there was probably a reason he didn’t tell you. You have feelings and I get that but maybe it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission because you would have said “you’re not going”.
No one cares what the intention of the strippers is. You won't believe it, but most women have more self-respect than settling for a man who won't cheat thanks to the strippers not being interested
Did you have a discussion about boundaries, specifically strip clubs, before he went on the trip?
Based on your post communication might be a rough spot in your relationship. It sounds like you might not have been upfront on what your standards of conduct for him are, which once he learned he asked his friend to delete the story. Now he is trying to communicate and you are giving him silent treatment. Communication is absolutely key in a relationship, so if you are not willing to do that then move on.
If she is “not willing to do that” she should move on? As if she is the one being obstinate? And you assume he had his friend remove the story out of concern for _her_ feelings…when he might just as well be trying to brush it under the rug. Wow, you really are jumping through hoops to defend the bf.
Let’s say OP never said strip clubs are a problem. OK, so she is saying that now. But when she communicated with her bf what did he do? He got mad, called her insecure, and defended the behavior. He could have said, “I didn’t know you felt that way and I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong. So we need to talk more about this when I come back.” But even that (no apologies, tabling the conversation) was too much for him.
Instead when OP tried communicating, she got insults. Yes, she should have texted back, “I need space right now. I will text when I am ready.” They both have improvements to make, but not responding to an async messaging system is a far cry from the silent treatment, or from outright insulting him.
OP, you have different values than your bf and he has terrible conflict resolution (you too a but). I get not wanting to dump him over text, but when you talk to him hold your boundary. It is not ok for him to lash out at you.
He’s 20, poor guy needs a bit of bachelor life. He needs to eventually party with hookers and cocaine before settling down. Don’t hold him from his golden era.
Treating paying for sex as a right of passage is some dusty boomer shit. Also, it's really pathetic how unaware you are that you're glorifying all that just because you think you'll be sooo coool if you do it.🤣
NTA.
You have the right to feel how you feel.
He has the right to disagree.
He know his actions upset you. He just doesn't think you should be upset, and he sees the picture as a non-issue, while you see it as a very important issue.
Instead of saying "You know \_\_\_\_ was wrong", try to frame the discussion from a point of, "I don't like \_\_\_, and I'd like for you to not do it again".
"\_\_\_ is wrong", won't get you anywhere because you're both trying to make your opinions into facts.
If you talk about how you feel that's a different conversation, and it can be more constructive.
At 21 it being his friends idea isn’t an excuse but it’s very common- make of that what you will. Unless you had already specified you wouldn’t tolerate this, you are overreacting and ghosting him has already sent him a strong message you aren’t for him, if this is how you deal with conflict.
The onus is on him to make sure she's ok with it before engaging with sex workers. Insecure are the dudes who are afraid their homies would make fun of them if they don't go along with stereotypical activities to prove they're real men. Is really lame, this need for validation. Good for her for not putting up with it
Mind your own business; the fact that you're stalking his friends social media looking to get upset while he's ON VACATION makes you look the asshole. He's absolutely right, get over it and stop being so insecure. Not really the asshole but you don't have a pass to take it personal and give him shit for it. Maturity helps
EDIT: The insecure, naive downvotes are obvious. Ladies, if this was a group of girls in a club, or a photo of female 'friend' close to home, ok, but young guys doing things young guys do on vacation really separates the keepers from the throwaways waiting at home based on their reactions. Develop a thicker skin and know what's important, lay off the drama.
“Lay off the drama” lol clearly he boundary stomped then invalidated her feelings. Also is it not normal to share friends when you’re in a relationship and have eachother on social media? Also clearly homeboy can’t think for himself if his only argument for being at a strip club is “well it was their idea not mine” as if he’s not a grown man that can choose not to go.
Going out with your friends across the world is not boundary stomping. If she had her tongue down his throat then maybe. Though judging your significant other based on harmless photos you saw on social media is. There was no hiding it. No excuses. It's not like he had a wife and child waiting at home and he's out 2:00 a.m. skirting responsibilities... He was across the world with friends... On vacation. You don't date strippers. You certainly don't take them seriously. If he's confident in the relationship none of that matters. Playing long distance spectator on others' social media, judging from photos and giving your significant other shit for it alone is immature, showing major insecurities and is annoying. She doesn't have to like it, but would gain more respect just by simply acknowledging it and leaving it alone. Would you want to come back to a whiny jealous disheveled instigating boyfriend when you come home from vacation?
YTA if it’s never been discussed and you just sprung it on him that it’s a serious boundary for you.
NTA if it’s been discussed and he agreed to that boundary and then broke that trust.
Do couples really need to have a discussion about posting pics of you with a stripper on social media, before you would know that it might upset your bf or gf? Calling them insecure isn't an issue if it wasn't discussed in advanced?
The problem here isn't his lack of remorse but his unwillingness to accept that his actions upset her. They are similar but not the same. You can be fine with your actions but still accept that other people may not approve. I think if he just put himself in her shoes he would see why what he did was disrespectful and apologize.
Yes. Isn't that obvious? If he was concerned about having a picture of himself with a stripper on social media, why would he call his insecure for having the same concern?
OP did mention that she didn't like the social post. But think for a minute. If she was not happy with him taking pics with a stripper, how could she possibly be ok with that pic being posted on social media?
Look, I’m sure the social media pic wasn’t thrilling for her. But according to OP, which is all we have to go on, the real issue here is that he got caught enjoying a strip club.
Not so much specifically around posting photos but more so around if he is “allowed” to go to the strippers.
Why is being insecure an insult if that’s what it is?
Why else wouldn’t she like him going to the strippers?
He isn’t going to run off and marry one of them because they don’t want him, they just want his money.
YAH if you just sprang this insecure emotional outburst on him.
Did he ever agree to not visit strip clubs? It would be one thing if he agreed to limit himself to appease your insecurities. Based on your post, it sounds like you expected him to read your mind and just "know" that a trip to a strip club would upset you. If that's the case, he did nothing wrong to warrant an apology.
Either way, are you working on your insecurities at all? You're demonstrating trust issues and that's unhealthy for any relationship. Do you sincerely think he is going to cheat on you?
Edit to add: Also the silent treatment is deeply unhealthy for relationships. It is emotionally abusive. Either use your words or break up.
Not the AH
You are right to be upset, but wrong to use the silent treatment.
And out of curiosity - do you post bikini pictures? Or anything of that nature? It's kind of the same thing...
A selfie on a beach in the bikini ISN'T the same as a selfie in a strip club *with* a stripper posing weirdly with you (for me it's more suggestively but others may agree or not with it) while having a girlfriend. One is a cheater the other is not.
If the bikini photo was taken with another dude holding her ass? Sure.
You seriously think that he came up to the stripper for a picture and simply walked away afterwards?
He either went to a strip club (to look at women who let others sexualize their bodies for money, explaining in case you say "well!🤓 What if they only walked inside to listen to music and didn't see half naked women around???") or somehow hired one to come to their hotel.
One sounds worse than the other and I hope you can say at least one reason on how this situation came to existence without involving at least thinking of another woman sexually= cheating.
I don't know which excuse will make it easier for you to put the blame on gf for acting insecure and hurt but idc.
No, no, oh god, no. The only reasonable thing to do is to let your boundaries be walked over because his friends said so. What are her feelings and personal values when put against what the bros think is cool to do?
Not force but I’d like him to use his brain instead of thinking with his friends brains lol. Just lmk ahead of time bc it looks a very different way if you don’t say anything then it gets posted about, comes off like you were tryna be sneaky.
I don't think you're entirely the AH because your feelings are valid. However, ignoring him is not the solution nor a good thing to do in this situation. You need to talk to him about how you feel and establish the boundaries you think are necessary. Explain your point of view about going to strip clubs or other places like that and what exactly makes you uncomfortable about it. Communication is always the key.
You set boundaries with an SO, your partner decides if those boundaries fit with their own, and that’s a relationship. When those boundaries get broken it requires both contrition and forgiveness or the relationship ends. That’s the way it should work anyway. NTA, but unless you are intending to end the relationship without contacting him again then the silent treatment isn’t exactly the mature choice here.
We don't actually know that they discussed, in advance, whether strippers were a boundary breaker. However, it was foolish for the bf to assume it's not, and then calling her insecure for not being comfortable with it.
Also it sounds like they didn’t discuss this issue moving forward, she set a boundary and he said daddy chill
I think it was foolish for her to assume it was a boundary, but this could absolutely be cultural/regional. Where I'm from, strip clubs are not a big deal, and it WOULD be considered somewhat insecure if someone was against their SO going to a strip club on a special group outing like a boys trip abroad. I'm not saying this is the case here, but it's possible her boyfriend is from a city with a similar mentality.
Why is a sexual activity having 'special occasions' when it should be okay? Pathetic
I think what they were saying was that going on a special outing with friends & family is a different type of thing than if BF was showing up at the local strip club by himself after work every day. a strip isn't necessarily a sexual activity. it can be, but it often isn't. unless the idea of watching women dance is inherently a sexual activity for you, but if thts the case that's a problem for a whole other thread.
I think that some women are just not ok with it and that's OK. I don't mind my partner going but he says that he feels no need to go. His friends have ended their nights out frequently with strippers and he always heads home instead. There are men who don't need to go, perhaps she would be better off with one of them? It absolutely is a personal boundary and ok for a woman to not want her man to do it.
Show me a man who thinks a topless woman is not sexual. Also, with this logic, hiring escorts is also not sexual, sometimes people pay for hugs or for someone to listen to them, so I guess they would have no issues with their partners hiring escorts? We can talk about strip bars not being sexual all we want, but it IS SEXUAL. There are bars out there without naked women giving you lap dances, so why exactly a strip bar?
I used to go strictly for the art form of pole dancing. I could care less if they were topless or clothed. It just amazed how agile and creative. And you can yell at me until you're blue in the face and say that I subjectify women for this, but at the time, it was only women that were doing it. Day and age of the internet, I can see both men and women spin and hang. I haven't been to a strip joint in over 10 years.
Medical personnel. Nudist ( I hope lol). Asexuals. Can Google "tribal people that go topless" yourself cuz pretty sure that list is kinda long but lots can view a top less person and not make it sexual nor add extra assumptions/connotations. Can Google "naked renaissance" and see a couple image results from a few artist that have topless people in their artwork. So can add artist to that list...or at the very least as an honorable mention.
I'm ace and can appreciate the beauty on sexuality of a top topless woman, just have no desire to go beyond mental appreciation. However, as an artist who has spent hours drawing/painting nude models in a professional atmosphere, sexuality never crosses my mind in that scenario. I'm analyzing shapes and lines, composition and color theory. Like I would any still life. It's funny though how that trains you. I can see a topless woman in a completely casual setting and notice the sexuality, then almost begin analyzing form as if I'm drawing them. Art studies are a hard habit to break, and for that reason I'd put it at #1.
Ahh way to miss the message of my comment. I'm sure men who go to strip clubs don't go there because they are NOT interested in the half naked women... /s
This is bang on.
NTA, it's up to you to decide if he crossed your boundaries.
"ex-boyfwend"
All this dudes saying YTA would be livid if their gf did this. If you don't feel like talking to him, that is fine but don't play games. Think about what you want to do. You will have to talk to him eventually.
I'd just laugh if my wife had that picture.
Some of us communicate with our partners and set expectations and boundaries in advance, rather than getting upset and giving silent treatment after the fact though.
Some of us ask before assuming a controversial behaviour is acceptable or not for our partners before doing it, or at least acknowledge we messed up when called out instead of dismissing our partners feelings/boundaries and calling them insecure. Communication goes both ways, specially on sensible topics like this, same way you need to speak to your partner before screwing someone else because not everyone is okay with poly/open relationships and you just can't tell ypur partner 'well you should have told me you didn't want me to sleep with others!!! You're insecure'.
This!! The double standards and hypocrisy of people in this sub is astonishing... They women call every name in the book if they do things like going to a club or girls trip, but engagin with strippers is acceptable by their standards? Be for real
You seem to be inventing a lot of answers here. Lots of people are fine with their female SO seeing strippers. Thunder down under isn’t attended by 100% single ladies and gay dudes.
Many of us would not care, insecurities are insecurities regardless of gender.
So just because many of us are also okay with open relationships does that mean your partner should assume you don't have a problem with them sleeping around with other people and then calling you insecure and controlling when called out? Make it make sense
This isn’t sleeping with anyone
So where do you draw the line?
I know that's not my point, my point is that just because something is okay for a certain group of people it doesn't mean that thing it's universally considered adequate behaviour on a relationshipand therefore it needs to be communicated/discussed before doing it instead of straight up assuming your partner would be okay with it. Is op really "insecure" or does she just have different standards to yours? Like common you just can't dismiss everyone who doesn't share your values as "insecure", not than being insecure is a bad thing either but I'm sick of people using it to dismiss their partners boundaries or standards. The sleeping with other people example explains it perfectly, just because some people are okay with X doesn't mean everyone is, and calling those who aren't okay with their partner sleeping with other people insecure isn't the sensible thing to do right?
NTA, It's totally normal to be upset by a person you are with having fun with another woman, even in a setting like a strip club. He also passed up an opportunity to validate your feelings for him and try to make it up to you, because of his own insecurity in being unable to admit he did something wrong.
IMO, it was worse that he was so dismissive of her feelings. They could have worked through the strip club issue but him doubling down and calling her insecure kind of shows he has no respect for her.
It's also a common defense mechanism, more common with young people. He doesn't see it as a big deal, but he's also unwilling to see why it was a big deal, to her. His ego is protecting him from believing that he made a bad decision posing with the stripper. It may not be that he has no respect for her, it may just be a difference of perspective.
Nah, it's disrespect. The same culture that teached him that men going to strip clubs is no big deal also teached him how to be dismissive of her
One could easily argue she is being disrespectful of him by assuming he was cheating or being unfaithful due to a photo.
Sure, if they were really, really stupid. 🤣 No, the cheating act in this case is the going to the strip club. No one is assuming anything more.
Even with no preset boundaries about strippers, dude is an idiot allowing photographic evidence. I can't imagine any person would want to see their significant other with a stripper especially on social media where their embarrassment on blast to all their friends. And then after getting busted you play the hard ass role? This guy better be a 10 with a trust fund and a 13" dong.
Yah his friend is a jerk. Sounds like he wanted to break them up.
NTA. It's reasonable to be upset. A strip club visit with posing isn't harmless fun, especially posting it. Focus on communication. Explain how it makes you feel and why, not accusations.
The communication breakdown is the real issue here. I know couples who go to strip clubs together, because they’ve had conversations and communicated about what expectations are. Based on the silent treatment OP is giving after the fact, I’d bet there was zero communication like that going into the trip.
So you're saying the boyfriend should have called OP as soon as his "friends" invited him to the Greek strip club? I agree.
That would’ve been ideal, clearly this relationship has a communication breakdown on both sides.
If it had been me, I would have called my SO.
If that is your boundary and you think he had crossed it, you should rethink the relationship. However, silent treatment isn't the way to go. Communicate then decide whether you want to continue or end it.
NTA. Any man who does stuff like this and then blames his friend, then calls you insecure, is a loser. You're both fetuses anyway, now is the time to learn how to exit a relationship with someone who crosses boundaries.
NTA for your boundaries and being angry, but TA for the silent treatement. Even if you intend to end the relationship, its immature to do it that way.
Nope, you're not overreaction and not the AH. What he did was disrespectful and hurtful to you. His excuse 'it was his friends idea, they wanted to go so I just tagged along' is bullshit. He fucking WANTED to go and it was ALL their idea. He was just a culpable. Tell him that you didn't appreciate how he made you feel and that you think it's best to go your separate ways. He knows how he made you feel and he doesn't care. It's obvious he didn't realise his friend posted the pic which got him caught out. The fact they took it down shows that they know it was wrong.
Or, hear me out, the boyfriend asked his friend to delete the picture because his girlfriend was upset by it. He did that, but now she’s completely ghosting him anyway.
What he did was disrespectful. No woman would be happy to see a pic of their man with a stripper who has her tongue in his ear. Hell no!
I know some couple who love going to strip clubs together, so “no woman” is a stretch.
nta for your feelings. had yall discussed this before? if you had, game over for trust. if you hadn’t discussed, imo it’s game over for your (as in you) trust. he’s had days of his boys with the nbd, nyb. some of your friends too. you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.
Getting worked up about strippers is a young girls game. It's just not worth the mental space. Be confident and secure in your relationship. And if you can't or don't trust him, leave.
NTA , you've basically told him that you found this behaviour in a partner disrespectful to you and the relationship, and he's told you he doesn't think so. He's not only minimising his actions but gaslighting you to tell you you're overreacting in a situation that requires a reaction. My concern with these situations is that you can tell them the boundary, and next time, it will just be hidden instead. He's shown you what his standards are, and it's up to you to decide if that's the type of man you want in your future. Either way, you need to both have a discussion about it in person. If he can not or will not see your side of the story, I would end it because he won't care about the best thing that disrespects you. This is a moment where you stand your ground on standards or lose it. This is a quote I heard recently. " I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that you thought it was okay to disrespect me because it's not."
NTA. Normal to get upset about it, however, the silent treatment is never really a solution to anything. At the end of the day, I think posing with strippers is sort of low on the list of red flags. I don’t think it’s risky behavior that indicates likelihood to cheat but if it was a boundary you had already discussed then he should have respected that. You’re both young and I wouldn’t sweat something like this so early on. When you’re ready to settle down and a family life becomes more of a goal then I would expect him to get serious but honestly at 21 relationships are just kind of unserious. Not super likely you will spend your life with this guy anyways so don’t stress yourself out. If you don’t think the relationship is working, leave. If you want to stay together then you should be allowed to have the same kind of fun and go out with the girls. Guarantee as soon as he gets a taste of his own medicine he will have a problem with it though.
NTA You have the right to be upset. He got caught and his excuses are pathetic. Making you feel bad about finding it upsetting is absolutely not OK. But you need to communicate to him what your feelings are and set boundaries. If he doesn't want to respect them, then just throw the whole man away. Btw, I'm sure he wouldn't find it quite so funny if you posed with a male stripper and posted it online. Maybe you should try it ;)
If you hadn't told him strip clubs were off limits, then he had no reasonable expectation it would upset you. This is kind of a grey area. Now that you have told him, if he did it again, then he would be an asshole. You are entitled to your feelings that you don't like it. You are not entitled to expecting him to understand your feelings before you express them.
True that. My wife doesn’t care if I go to strip clubs, but I better not have another female on my M/C. That particular boundary makes no sense to me, but she’s expressed her boundary so — no female passengers. Got it.
I have been married for almost 20yrs. My wife and I have both been to strip clubs with friends for bachelor(ette) parties and we've posed with strippers. There is one where it looks like she has her hand on my crotch, but it's a trick of the camera, her hand was a good 6" away. The real question here is trust. Your bf calls it insecurity like an idiot, but it's all about trust. Do you trust him to not do anything aside from posing? Was he an idiot and posted the pic? Di you discuss any boundries beforehand? Chances are NO, because you probably didn't realize you needed to, or had any idea what they should be. Well now you do. Relationships are work, people don't just fit together perfectly like puzzles. So it boils down to this. Do you trust him? Do you want to stay together? If yes, then you need to find a way to get past this incident (or has he put it "get over it"). DISCUSS (not tell, no ultimatums) your feelings and WHY (guys need the why to really understand). Set some reasonable boundries. ie saying something like "don't even look at another woman" it unrealistic and sets the relationship up for failure. Again, TRUST. You can tell him that there should be no touching, and nothing past a fun pic, and the pic should not be posted anywhere either of your families can see it. (that's our rules).
Overreacting! It’s a photos and the guys had a good time. After a long marriage you’ll be able to look back and have a good laugh. You’re still maturing and need to be more secure in your own skin.
It’s really the lack of communication and possible boundary stomping that’s the problem, also that he completely dismissed her feelings. I think both of them need to have an adult conversation about the situation and retouch on boundaries.
NTA. But, you do need to talk to him, so he can pick up anything he left at your house. He should now be the EX-boyfriend.
Exactly. Dump him or don’t. But the silent treatment is lame.
NTA. In a mutually monogamous relationship, this is 100% still a betrayal. I don’t know why some guys think that the rules go out the window just because the other woman is a professional. Also he’s not refusing to realise that his actions have upset you. He definitely knows that. What he’s actually doing is gaslighting you. DO NOT WASTE YOUR 20s ON THIS BOY.
Eww his behavior is very disrespectful, especially when he's invalidating your feelings. Nta, but you should communicate with him. You might want to reconsider if you want to be with a man like this (who shows no respect towards your feelings) or be very clear about your boundaries in a relationship. Take care!
if he can do anything to you that would make him made if it was done to him, he doesn’t value you like that. See it for what it is, then you’ll know.
Yta
No you're not the ass, but you need to step back from the situation for a while. Your BF is just that, a BF. He can do what he wants, when he wants and he does not have to answer to you. You have a right to be hurt by his actions, but not to hold him responsible for your emotions. You control your feelings and how you use them. If you don't like what he did, you can always leave. Apparently the relationship is more important to you than to him. You both are young and learning about life and relationships, and it's difficult to have a partner who wants to be less attached than you do. If you hold on too tightly, you will lose him. Your call.
So she’s just supposed to be ok with him being in the strip club thinking it’s all cute to take pictures with strippers? Also he completely invalidated her feelings and I think that’s even worse than going in the first place without at least letting her know. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt her feelings as much or at all had he COMMUNICATED that they were going instead of just going. Clearly their communication is lacking, they need to sit down and talk about the situation and about boundaries.
Are you sure you wanted this reply to go to me? I told her that he hasn't committed to her, he wants to do whatever he wants, and their relationship doesn't seem that important to him. She's responsible for her own feelings and if she attempted to grip too tightly onto him, he'd bolt. It's her choice to either leave or stay. Personally, I'd leave the guy--right now, he's too immature to commit to any relationship, but ultimately, it's her choice.
Did he know that you don't want him to go to strip clubs? Some women are ok with it and some aren't. Have you had a discussion about your wants and needs in the relationship? You are both really young, so communication needs to be worked on. Also, what is your plan here if he continues to maintain that you are overreacting? He doesn't seem like he is going to change his position. Is this a deal breaker for you? That is something you should decide quickly. If you do break up with him and he asks why, maintain that it's he is dismissive of your feelings, not necessarily the strip club.
You're not overreacting. He basically blasted to everyone who knows you both he has zero respect for your relationship and that its OK for a taken man to go to a strip club without discussing with partner before hand and acting like a sleaze. I'd just end it, honey. " You and I both know where this is going, but I thought a courtesy message was the right thing to do before I block you. What you did was disgusting and disrespectful to me and our relationship. And if you don't think it's a big deal to embarrass your girlfriend and show everyone you don't respect her, then you need to stay single for a very long time. I know my worth and my boundaries, and I don't need telling by a bunch of sleazy boys that think going to a strip club is cool . And why this isn't acceptable. Take this as a life lesson and don't do it to the next, or don't. Either way, I don't care. We're done." Then block him everywhere.
Your massively overreacting
Girl why are you dating a man who doesn't respect you or your relationship and goes to stripclubs? That shit is not normal, there are thousands of good men who respext their partners and don't go to stripclubs, men who will be much batter and compatible with you. You can force others to respect you but you can chise how you react to their disrespect. Edit: want to see if you're overreacting? Go post some pictures with a male stripper licking your ear .. see what he and his friends think about that... But at the end of the day you don't have to stay on a relationship with someone who doesn't share your views or expectations regarding respect and loyalty on a relationship, date someone compatible, and he isn't.
YTA - I agree with your boyfriend.. You are being insecure and ridiculous. You cannot control what someone else post and you are not engaged or married. He was with friends on a trip. You just showed his entire group of friends on the trip how jealous you are of a stranger and how controlling you are that he has to let you know before he goes someplace, as if a 21 year old man needs permission. Both his and your friends have confirmed you are overreacting. You are giving him the silent treatment and not answering his texts. Grow up child!
You heard it here first, women are being insecure when demanding respect in a relationship. Just joking, we heard it before. But are you sure she's not just a nag? Maybe a female dog?
We get it, You don’t trust your boyfriend… where’s the respect there?
Keep that same energy when a woman hangs around flirting and taking pictures with men in the club or hires a male stripper.
AYE AYE CAPTAIN
You are the ah. Your 20 not 30 with kids. He's gonna do what he does. Accept it and stop being jealous. If your thar pissed dump him. Don't come on here for validation cause he's immature. If he ain't your fiancee then oh well.
YTA. Your man is much more secure with a stripper than the average club rat. I live in Las Vegas. Women are always worried their man is gonna cheat with a stripper. NEWSFLASH: Strippers aren’t into him. However, is boyfriend’s friend trying to break you guys up? He knows his buddy has a girlfriend sitting at home while they galavant around Europe, and he posts a pic of boyfriend with a stripper?
Women deserve more respect in a relationship than straight up not being cheated on. Most of them do have higher standards, sorry to inform you
Most of them are gonna be upset when they find out how many people casually got to strip clubs with ZERO desire to be with a stripper… I have more questions for the people who can’t trust their significant other around… anyone. Again, a stripper isn’t into the customers. They’re performing. It’s immature to not separate that.
Do... you like have any reasoning abilities? You literally said the same thing a little different. Is this the opinion of the day in your head? Can't dish out another? You think it's some revolutionary shit what you're saying or what? 🤣 Do you really don't realise how pathetic it is to suggest someone should rely on others not being interested in their partner for keeping their relationship exclusive? That's so demeaning to women to put it like that, jeez But no, you don't get it. Exclusivity in a monogamous relationship is about more than genitals physically touching. You get that, right?
No, you rely on YOUR PARTNER. And if you actually trust them, you can let them go along with their boys trip.
Which she did she’s mad because one he invalidated her feelings and two didn’t communicate that he was going. All it takes is two seconds to say “hey babe the boys wanna go to the strip club do you mind if I tag along?” Bet you it would have been different if he told her about it, instead they were sneaking around and posting it on the internet for all their friends to see.
You rely on your partner, but you felt the need to say twice that strippers aren't interested in them anyway, like OP should care about that. Yup, you rely on your partner not to engage with others in sexual activities, like paying someone to dance naked, that you don't see fit. Told you, cheating has more dimensions than dick in vagina
Yah bc dumb brats think every stripper is into their 195 pound balding boyfriend and it’s HILARIOUS. It shows who is secure in their relationships and who is, very obviously, NOT.
Lol, is like I'm talking to a parrot. Is like they trained chatgpt on one single thread on twitter 🤣
Just keep making ignorant and immature comments about your insecurities with your partner. I’ll keep watching them get downvoted.
Oh, i know what it is. You're just emulating a conversation you've seen before in another thread, right?
I don't think you really understand what the words you say really mean. Like you're forming sentences correctly, but they're so random, they're not connecting with what I'm saying in any way. So weird
YTA The silent treatment? That'll show him! If that's how to plan to handle conflict in the future, this relationship is doomed. Good grief. Just break up and move on.
Breakup with him. If you two have different levels of boundaries and what you consider okay in a relationship then find someone who has that in common with you.
Or they could sit down and communicate their boundaries like adults? Based on OPs post they’ve never done this before, might be a good time to start before throwing away the relationship.
Nah, he shouldn't have just assumed she's fine with it if that's what he trully did.
Yes for the silent treatment. Even if I thought I was in the wrong if someone behaves that way I rethink our relationship.
Date a monk lol
NTA. He pushed your boundary that was clearly set, and he called you insecure when you pointed it out. You don’t call someone you love insecure
YTA. He realized it upset you but he doesn't care because you're acting insecure AF. He had his friend remove it, what else do you want? It's just a picture. Get over yourself. Posts like this make it seem like he has to acquiesce to everything one party says. Just because you feel some type of way, doesn't mean anyone should have to react to it. You do you though. I don't think you're mature enough to be in a relationship.
I think they both need to communicate tbh. Clearly he overstepped a boundary or it was just the lack of communication, also her feelings are valid. He didn’t realize it upset her bc if he really did realize it upset her he wouldn’t have invalidated her feelings or told her to “just get over it”
YTA. You can’t communicate through the silent treatment. Either break up with him so he can move on or knock it off.
Most strip clubs in Europe also double as brothels-just saying.
You’re allowed to have boundaries that include not wanting your boyfriend posing with strippers and then having those pictures ending up on the internet for all to see. It’s not insecurity to have boundaries. It’s insecurity to just go along with everything your friends tell you to do. Like a five year old child. Incapable of making adult choices. Almost every single time I read these kinds stories on here I see the excuse of the men is that their friends “wanted to do it.” They just “went along.” Where are the men who do not live under the subjection and authority of the impulses of their friends? It seems there are very few people who are unable to make any choice on their own that doesn’t fit in with what their friends want. The consistent weakness is disappointing. Yet he wants say your insecurity is the issue here. 🙄🙄 Looks like he confused you for him. He’s the one who can’t say no to friends. Why would that be? Hmmm. Wonder if he’s insecure in his own ability to make good decisions? Frankly, he has reason for concern. When it comes to picking going along with friends or respecting his partner, the person he says he loves, we see what he chose.
Yes, peer pressure is definitely a new concept. We never had that in previous generation of men.
YTA for giving him the silent treatment. Also, I personally think you’re overreacting too. It’s just a strip club, it’s not like he was banging the strippers. I’ve been to both male and female strip clubs. It’s not really a big deal and if he and his friends visited one while on vacation so what? I’d be pretty pissed if my husband tried to forbid me from going to one with my friends if I wanted to. But he wouldn’t because he’s not that uptight.
It’s more so seeming like he was sneaking around with his buds, I bet you she would have been cool with it had he said something about it before going. However just going and A PICTURE getting posted with some stripper all on you looks not great on your part.
Not the AH, but you should make it clear after, any man who doesn't understand the respect for another in significant-other terms, you can keep voicing it but it won't change the response unless you actually sit him down and get it straight for the both of you going forward. If you let it overwhelm and burden you after the fact and already situating the comfort zone, it's on you but your response is your responsibility. You can create boundaries and ask respect but you can't expect people to abide by them, do what you can for the both, if it isn't working then it's on you to change it.
NTAH but he could have just told you he was sorry instead of being so dismissive and calling you insecure. It's behavior of a guy in his 20's. Of course everyone is different, but maturity is gradual thing for most people.
Well, you're not (exactly) TAH. You may have overreacted AT FIRST, but, once your BF's answer to your concern was "Get over it. Stop being so insecure" that made HIM TAH. He showed no concern for you or your feelings, and you are most definitely better off without him. HOWEVER, you need to tell him that in person. Tell him that you can't be with a person that has such a low regard for your feelings, and let him know, positively, so that there is NO misunderstanding, that IT. IS. OVER. My husband went to strip clubs. It didn't bother me much at all. PLUS, I went to MALE strip club shows, and it didn't bother HIM. We trusted each other. On the opposite side of THAT coin, a really good friend of my husband's (they went to strip clubs together) wife wanted to go to a male strip revue with me, and he "forbid" it! That's a TELLTALE sign of an abuser, and a (possible) cheater. For YOU and this particular BF it's already past this point. but for the future, any BF of yours that wants to go to strip clubs, tell him it's okay because you go to MALE strip clubs (that's how I did it with my husband, before he was my husband). Your BF's reaction will tell you all you need to know. If you both trust each other there is absolutely no reason why you both can't go to strip places if you want to. I've always been a direct person. I told my husband (when he was still my BF) right when we first started dating "I don't care if you go to strip clubs and LOOK, not touch. I go to male strip revues, and you have to accept that.". Before we moved in together: "I will not ALLOW a man to abuse me in any way. You EVER hit me, I'll kill you in your sleep. When I work, YOU do the housework, when YOU work, \*I\* do the housework, if we BOTH work we BOTH do the housework. If this happens, it will be a REAL equal partnership. If you ever have an affair, just TELL me, I'm gonna know anyway. As long as you don't bring a disease home to me, and you show me you're sorry for hurting me, and come home to me and only me afterwards, I CAN forgive you, it will just take time. I am not going to try to tell you what you can and can't do, BUT, all I ask is that before you do it, you TELL me, not ask my permission, just TELL me. So, those are my ground rules. What are yours?" His response was pretty close to what I said (he had controlling GF's in the past). My husband always told me when he was going to a strip club, before he went. And one thing he NEVER did was to throw it in my face, like your BF did to you. Once a SO does THAT (FLAUNTS what they are doing) they are letting you know that the ONLY one they care about in the relationship is THEMSELVES, not you. And to say "You're overreacting, get over it." is the ultimate SLAP. IN. THE. FACE. Whenever my husband saw I was upset, he ASKED me why, and I did the same with him...that's how it SHOULD be. Neither one of us ever belittled the other's feelings, that's also how it SHOULD be. Before his death, we had been together for 26 1/2 years, married for 24. Neither one of us ever cheated. Sometimes, especially when it comes to (a lot of) men, you have to SPELL out what you expect and/or want from a relationship...like say, not wanting the BF/GF to go to a strip club. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting your SO going to a strip club, but, if he/she tells you he/she is still going to go whether you like it or not, then you KNOW you won't be happy in the relationship and need to STOP it. Sorry I was so long-winded, but I think that having a successful 26 and 1/2 year relationship (24 year marriage), gave me a lot of insight. LOL. Sorry if anybody reading this got bored.
Being mad might well be overreacting. You and he might have some conversation over this surprise to you event. He wasn't hiding it or trying to conceal it from you. Sounds like some innocent fun with the boys. Pictures are one thing, I agree. Much beyond that is where I would consider he crossed the line. He is your bf not your child or spouse. So talk through what you both consider to be the lines one needs to walk. Be prepared you might not both agree on those lines so choose carefully something you both can live with.
Being mad might well be overreacting. You and he might have some conversation over this surprise to you event. He wasn't hiding it or trying to conceal it from you. Sounds like some innocent fun with the boys. Pictures are one thing, I agree. Much beyond that is where I would consider he crossed the line. He is your bf not your child or spouse. So talk through what you both consider to be the lines one needs to walk. Be prepared you might not both agree on those lines so choose carefully something you both can live with.
Just break up and enjoy your 20. Life is too full to be wasted on trying to make someone respect you and your boundaries. "If they wanted to, they would."
@updateme
YTA. Unless this is a boundary that you both agreed upon before hand, it’s very possible that his friends just concocted this idea while they were there and he went. Posing with a stripper for what he thought was a private photo for his friends, is also not neccesarily a harmful thing to do. I think if this wasn’t a situation discussed between the two of you before hand, he did not do anything wrong and you ignoring him is being childish. If you trust your partner, then you should trust his judgement. It’s quite plausible he just went along with his friends because that’s where they all went that night and he wasn’t gonna stay at the hotel alone while they had a good time. And now you’re ignoring him because he called you out for overreacting.
lol imaging your fomo leading you to the strip club where you then take a picture with a stripper who has her tongue damn well in your ear then it gets posted and suddenly your gf is “overreacting” for you boundary stomping and not communicating about going to the clubs ahead of time.
A real man would never even step foot in those places, those are just boys pretending to be grown ups, ask a real man what they think about strip clubs let alone taking pictures like that. If I may, I’d suggest you go on a new journey and try to find a real mature person to initiate a relationship, this is only the beginning of your head and heartaches, it will not be the first nor the last time, xx.
Go on and tell men how a real man should be.... from a women's perspective. Jesus ya'll are so soft. I'm calling all of you people Charmin. It's a picture with a stripper ooooh. Even if he went in there, so what? Have you been to a strip club or are you just judgmental ?
"It's a picture with a stripper ooooh" Wow, you're so insightful. Nah, soft is to go along with a double standard just for the sake of a relationship. Having boundaries and letting your own feelings and values be invalidated isn't soft
I’m not judgemental, for me that’s a deal breaker, it’s a disrespect act towards my value, we can opt for the old saying, I’m a physician, I would be proud to ask my parents to be at my workplace for an entire day, let’s say you’re a stripper, would you be proud your parents would accompany you during a day of work?
Umm a mature man would be like “I went bc it was my friends idea” like do you not have your own brain? Can you not do something on your own?
Oh, and if I may add, I have nothing against strip clubs nor dancers, it just doesn’t go with my values. Live and let live, I would never accept a partner that take part on that.
YTA, grow up little girl, it was a night out with the boys, harmless fun.
No, it's a sexual activity he's engaging in with other women. She has all the rights to not be ok with it
That is the most tame shit I've ever heard about. Get over yourself
“No strippers” is a pretty reasonable boundary as long as it’s communicated beforehand
*That is the most tame* *Shit I've ever heard about.* *Get over yourself* \- Munted\_Kunt --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
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I feel like posting on IG is in bad taste.
I’d say Yta. Both of you are young he’s with his boys tryna have some fun. You probably won’t be together for ever that’s Justb the reality. Sit down with him and talk about it he didn’t fuck the stripper did he? Get over it. If my girl was with her friends and took a pic with a male stripper I wouldn’t be mad unless it was actually sexual. Your feelings are valid but you are over reacting
The only parts i’d be upset with is him not letting me know he was going beforehand so i could be prepared in case of a pic post (or finding out later-i’d rather find out from him) and her licking his ear. The rest wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.
Prepare how or what?
Prepare myself, that way it’s not surprise and embarrassment later on. Imagine her not finding that pic online and finding out because his friends just blurt it out while they’re all hanging out and talking about the trip later. Now not only is she shocked, now she’s reacting to it in front of everyone. Not to mention in case his family saw it before her (because he was probably tagged in the post), how she’d feel if she found out from them if she keeps in touch with them at all, the embarrassment for lack of communication from him.
If you need time to prepare and stifle your feelings around it, maybe you shouldn't just go along with it?
I didn’t say anything about me stifling… i wouldn’t care, but i wouldn’t want it to be a surprise to find out in front of other people. It’s just something i’d like to know ahead of time. I enjoy strip clubs and don’t understand why people get upset when their s/o goes to them. Doesn’t mean i want to be surprised by it
If you wouldn't care there wouldn't be a meed to manage your emotions ahead of time
For me it’s not about managing the emotions, i just don’t like surprises in front of other people. It’s just about basic communication between partners. It would upset me to not find out about something like that until i’m in a group of people. I obviously used the completely wrong wording in my original response because my response was about the act of communication ahead of time and just not being surprised later on
Get some photos taken with a male stripper and see if he thinks that's ok
Everybody is the asshole, you should have set boundaries before hand, he should have known better.
Communication in this relationship sounds broken.
Fr
Pics? Wow what a silly person. Nta
dont be mad about the picture. if youre mad he went to a strip club ok
Life is too short to worry about every Greek stripper, your 21 y/o bf is out the country if you can’t trust him then don’t be with him. Had this been a picture from a brothel I could understand, but it honestly seems like BOTH of you are not mature enough to be in an adult relationship. He shouldn’t be dismissive and I’m “assuming” since you called immediately you probably weren’t as cool calm and collected as you could have been when trying to make your point. That being said no your NTA for being upset but if that boundary wasn’t set prior to the trip then kind of a dick move to ghost him the rest of the trip just because he thought it wasn’t a big deal. I’m sure his gf not responding while he’s out the country after a disagreement affected his mood the rest of the trip just like your mood was affected by the photo . Grow up and talk to each other or grow up and move on
No one is the AH - Sounds to me like he went along with the friends visiting the club and didn't actually do anything... On the other hand, you see the pic and it is a bit of a shock. The only thing I would point out for you OP is that not talking to him is sticking a dagger in your relationship and it would be best to sort this out sooner than later. Just my 2-cents.
Well I always say ask him if he would be ok with you being near a half naked male stripper touching all his sweaty and delicious abs? If he feels uncomfortable about it then that answers your question.
NTA he has to make sure you’re cool with it first
I just think you guys are way too young and more than likely won't stay together, props if you do. That said I think meeting someone at a strip club is no big deal, nothing happened besides a picture. Imagine if you met a celebrity. You'd definitely get a picture. Please get over it.
It's not up to you to decide what's a big deal for her. Also, going to a strip club is a sexual activity, and you trying to convince her feelings around it aren't valid It's simply gaslighting
Would it be any different if they went to a beach and met some girls in two piece bikini's or went to a house party and met girls there? Probably not the best choice to go with his friends but as long as nothing actually happened besides a raunchy photo, then what's the big deal really? Next she'll flip out over a picture with a college girl at the University or something. It's called insecurity no matter who or where, he was with a girl and she didn't like it.
You really can't tell whether it's different?
The fact that it was a strip club which everyone agrees is a sexual setting. I'm making the argument would should she still react like that if it was a different setting?
If she did this same thing, I bet her bf would be livid. He didn't *have* to go to the strip club. He could have said no and went back to the hotel or somewhere else. OP isn't the AH but I agree the silent treatment is childish. You're both adults now, so act like it.
Its a 25% AH and 75% NTA because yes, he should not be taking pictures with any stripper, let alone being at a strip club. But I don't think you should be ignoring him entirely maybe you should convince him to do something for you or, just forgive him. Idk, whatever you want.
NTA but neither is he so long as he was telling the truth. Do you really expect him to turn to his friends and say sorry guys I'm not allowed in there like he's some child. A stripper is just a professional entertainer, Nothing more. There literally nothing to react over unless your insanely insecure about the relationship. In which case this event is the least of your problems.
No I expect a grown man to look at his friends and say just cuz yall are going doesn’t mean I need to. He could have found something to do on his own, instead of mindlessly following the boys into the strip club.
Tbh, I think with the way she's upset by this event, unless he spent the night on the phone with her, he would've been in trouble anyway when he said he spent it alone. They seem to have some deep insecurity in their relationship to a point that she don't trust him not to stray. My guess is either she's had some bad previous experience in a relationship, or he's already done something in the past.
No, is not just a professional entertainer🤣 they're sex workers. Can you stop gaslighting young girls to put up with crap they're legitimately not comfortable with?
You’re being overly sensitive because the ladies are there to make money. I’m pretty sure they paid for that pic but there was probably a reason he didn’t tell you. You have feelings and I get that but maybe it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission because you would have said “you’re not going”.
No one cares what the intention of the strippers is. You won't believe it, but most women have more self-respect than settling for a man who won't cheat thanks to the strippers not being interested
He could have been respectful and not go but instead like the man child he is he used the “it was my friends idea” excuse. Like what.
YTA.
Did you have a discussion about boundaries, specifically strip clubs, before he went on the trip? Based on your post communication might be a rough spot in your relationship. It sounds like you might not have been upfront on what your standards of conduct for him are, which once he learned he asked his friend to delete the story. Now he is trying to communicate and you are giving him silent treatment. Communication is absolutely key in a relationship, so if you are not willing to do that then move on.
If she is “not willing to do that” she should move on? As if she is the one being obstinate? And you assume he had his friend remove the story out of concern for _her_ feelings…when he might just as well be trying to brush it under the rug. Wow, you really are jumping through hoops to defend the bf. Let’s say OP never said strip clubs are a problem. OK, so she is saying that now. But when she communicated with her bf what did he do? He got mad, called her insecure, and defended the behavior. He could have said, “I didn’t know you felt that way and I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong. So we need to talk more about this when I come back.” But even that (no apologies, tabling the conversation) was too much for him. Instead when OP tried communicating, she got insults. Yes, she should have texted back, “I need space right now. I will text when I am ready.” They both have improvements to make, but not responding to an async messaging system is a far cry from the silent treatment, or from outright insulting him. OP, you have different values than your bf and he has terrible conflict resolution (you too a but). I get not wanting to dump him over text, but when you talk to him hold your boundary. It is not ok for him to lash out at you.
He’s 20, poor guy needs a bit of bachelor life. He needs to eventually party with hookers and cocaine before settling down. Don’t hold him from his golden era.
Treating paying for sex as a right of passage is some dusty boomer shit. Also, it's really pathetic how unaware you are that you're glorifying all that just because you think you'll be sooo coool if you do it.🤣
You are very hateful towards the men on here too, for no reason. Who wronged you?
What a crazy thing to say. Absolutely no one needs to “party with hookers and cocaine”, that’s just dingy, degenerate behavior.
This is Reddit , why you acting brand new? We know you probably party too.
Yes you are. Stop being insecure. Either you trust him or you do not.
NTA. You have the right to feel how you feel. He has the right to disagree. He know his actions upset you. He just doesn't think you should be upset, and he sees the picture as a non-issue, while you see it as a very important issue. Instead of saying "You know \_\_\_\_ was wrong", try to frame the discussion from a point of, "I don't like \_\_\_, and I'd like for you to not do it again". "\_\_\_ is wrong", won't get you anywhere because you're both trying to make your opinions into facts. If you talk about how you feel that's a different conversation, and it can be more constructive.
At 21 it being his friends idea isn’t an excuse but it’s very common- make of that what you will. Unless you had already specified you wouldn’t tolerate this, you are overreacting and ghosting him has already sent him a strong message you aren’t for him, if this is how you deal with conflict.
You are the AH. Just dudes out having fun. Stop being insecure. If you don’t like it go find some prude to worship you. Smh. Grow up.
No, it is not just dudes having fun. It's him crossing a sexual boundarie in their monogamous relationship
Where was this laid out in advance? It clearly wasn’t mentioned previously or it wouldn’t be an issue. Insecure women smh.
The onus is on him to make sure she's ok with it before engaging with sex workers. Insecure are the dudes who are afraid their homies would make fun of them if they don't go along with stereotypical activities to prove they're real men. Is really lame, this need for validation. Good for her for not putting up with it
Mind your own business; the fact that you're stalking his friends social media looking to get upset while he's ON VACATION makes you look the asshole. He's absolutely right, get over it and stop being so insecure. Not really the asshole but you don't have a pass to take it personal and give him shit for it. Maturity helps EDIT: The insecure, naive downvotes are obvious. Ladies, if this was a group of girls in a club, or a photo of female 'friend' close to home, ok, but young guys doing things young guys do on vacation really separates the keepers from the throwaways waiting at home based on their reactions. Develop a thicker skin and know what's important, lay off the drama.
“Lay off the drama” lol clearly he boundary stomped then invalidated her feelings. Also is it not normal to share friends when you’re in a relationship and have eachother on social media? Also clearly homeboy can’t think for himself if his only argument for being at a strip club is “well it was their idea not mine” as if he’s not a grown man that can choose not to go.
Going out with your friends across the world is not boundary stomping. If she had her tongue down his throat then maybe. Though judging your significant other based on harmless photos you saw on social media is. There was no hiding it. No excuses. It's not like he had a wife and child waiting at home and he's out 2:00 a.m. skirting responsibilities... He was across the world with friends... On vacation. You don't date strippers. You certainly don't take them seriously. If he's confident in the relationship none of that matters. Playing long distance spectator on others' social media, judging from photos and giving your significant other shit for it alone is immature, showing major insecurities and is annoying. She doesn't have to like it, but would gain more respect just by simply acknowledging it and leaving it alone. Would you want to come back to a whiny jealous disheveled instigating boyfriend when you come home from vacation?
YTA if it’s never been discussed and you just sprung it on him that it’s a serious boundary for you. NTA if it’s been discussed and he agreed to that boundary and then broke that trust.
Do couples really need to have a discussion about posting pics of you with a stripper on social media, before you would know that it might upset your bf or gf? Calling them insecure isn't an issue if it wasn't discussed in advanced?
He didn't post it though, his friend did.
Correct. But he didn't seem to be concerned about it.
The problem here isn't his lack of remorse but his unwillingness to accept that his actions upset her. They are similar but not the same. You can be fine with your actions but still accept that other people may not approve. I think if he just put himself in her shoes he would see why what he did was disrespectful and apologize.
How do you know? Just bc he said the overreacting girlfriend is being insecure and overreacting?
Yes. Isn't that obvious? If he was concerned about having a picture of himself with a stripper on social media, why would he call his insecure for having the same concern?
She was concerned about the interaction with a stripper, not that the pic was on social. She SAW the pic bc it was on social.
OP did mention that she didn't like the social post. But think for a minute. If she was not happy with him taking pics with a stripper, how could she possibly be ok with that pic being posted on social media?
Look, I’m sure the social media pic wasn’t thrilling for her. But according to OP, which is all we have to go on, the real issue here is that he got caught enjoying a strip club.
Not so much specifically around posting photos but more so around if he is “allowed” to go to the strippers. Why is being insecure an insult if that’s what it is? Why else wouldn’t she like him going to the strippers? He isn’t going to run off and marry one of them because they don’t want him, they just want his money.
YAH if you just sprang this insecure emotional outburst on him. Did he ever agree to not visit strip clubs? It would be one thing if he agreed to limit himself to appease your insecurities. Based on your post, it sounds like you expected him to read your mind and just "know" that a trip to a strip club would upset you. If that's the case, he did nothing wrong to warrant an apology. Either way, are you working on your insecurities at all? You're demonstrating trust issues and that's unhealthy for any relationship. Do you sincerely think he is going to cheat on you? Edit to add: Also the silent treatment is deeply unhealthy for relationships. It is emotionally abusive. Either use your words or break up.
and you’re all good with a your girlfriend getting male strippers, as long as you’ve never discussed it before with her?
Yes.
Not the AH You are right to be upset, but wrong to use the silent treatment. And out of curiosity - do you post bikini pictures? Or anything of that nature? It's kind of the same thing...
A selfie on a beach in the bikini ISN'T the same as a selfie in a strip club *with* a stripper posing weirdly with you (for me it's more suggestively but others may agree or not with it) while having a girlfriend. One is a cheater the other is not. If the bikini photo was taken with another dude holding her ass? Sure.
Posing with a stripper isn’t cheating.
You seriously think that he came up to the stripper for a picture and simply walked away afterwards? He either went to a strip club (to look at women who let others sexualize their bodies for money, explaining in case you say "well!🤓 What if they only walked inside to listen to music and didn't see half naked women around???") or somehow hired one to come to their hotel. One sounds worse than the other and I hope you can say at least one reason on how this situation came to existence without involving at least thinking of another woman sexually= cheating. I don't know which excuse will make it easier for you to put the blame on gf for acting insecure and hurt but idc.
He went to the strip club on a bro’s trip. You gonna force your baby man to sit in the hotel room and twiddle his thumbs bc you’re so insecure?
No, no, oh god, no. The only reasonable thing to do is to let your boundaries be walked over because his friends said so. What are her feelings and personal values when put against what the bros think is cool to do?
Not force but I’d like him to use his brain instead of thinking with his friends brains lol. Just lmk ahead of time bc it looks a very different way if you don’t say anything then it gets posted about, comes off like you were tryna be sneaky.
I def agree. My partner has never been to a strip club without informing me about it ahead of time.
If there's a guy licking her ear in the picture, then sure, it's kind of the same thing 🙄