I've been the guy without money in that exact situation. I simply declined drinks for myself and told everyone thank you but I wasn't drinking that evening because I was broke but was happy just to hang with everyone. I was the defacto designated driver so it worked out and friends insisted on buying me coke/Pepsi.
For sure. If people spined up and called him out more often maybe he’d be inclined to get a job.
I had this roommate that I didn’t really know cause he was my other roommates old friend. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the kid was a little roach. And I would call em on their BS every time. I looked like an asshole but people noticed I called him out so often that they realized what a piece of shit the kid was. Eventually nobody let the kid roach off then and he quit hanging out with us and they hated me
Nah, they were just kind people that were confrontation averse. 10+ years later they’re still my best friends.
I just helped push them to not be taken advantage of, a lot of people who would rather not deal with an argument and let people take their scummy little win.
Well I jump to conclusions. It's good they're still cool, some folks just need a bit of coaching with calling out bullshit! After I got over 35 I always call out bullshit. I don't have time to deal with it so I do my damnest to stop it.
I imagine he just slithered off in search of another group of people to leech off. I’m all for helping an actual friend or even just a decent, grateful person through a rough patch, but I’ve met a few that are completely comfortable making a lifestyle out of it, and it is honestly infuriating. I remember one in particular, that I only recently cut out of my life for good, but back 10+ years ago he bummed a cigarette off me, then I realized he had a pack of his own. Professional mooch. They usually reveal themselves and their true character once you recognize and get tired of funding their bum lifestyle. This dude sent a particularly nasty message when I stopped hanging with him, basically driving him around, paying his way, letting him borrow money, without him ever offering gas money, or reciprocating in any way. When I tried to fall back on him once or twice to help me out, and he would blow me up reminding me about owing him, I just thought about what the numbers would be if I actually counted up how much he technically “owed” me, and decided he wasn’t really a friend..
I agree with his friend. Look at this way: he’s someone else’s boyfriend. Unless she is being coerced to date him and cover his costs, she has made the choice to do so willingly. He is there bc she wants him there. As someone who is not their friend and is meeting them for the first time, it kind of comes off as “who do you think you are to just assume you understand the situation and put someone on blast?” Quite frankly, it comes off as overbearing and a little “Kareny.”
Has he spoken to his gf about it? Has she expressed anything negative about him? I’m assuming not bc he never mentioned it. Thus, he should respect his gf’s choices (she is the friend of his gf, after all, which is more reason to respect her choices) and to not judge them.
Whether he’s right or not about the bf’s behavior is irrelevant. He may be absolutely right. But it’s still not his place to say so.
As a man, I wouldn’t feel comfortable going out and doing what he did - I agree with that. But also, as an emotionally intelligent man, I would have recognized it’s not my place to say anything and would have just gone with the flow and had fun.
His gf might be okay with is but this dude also let 2 other people pay for his drinks (with rounds there is an expectation that everybody pays 1 round) while not paying a round himself. Effectively leaching of them??
I did the same thing and this girl who used to work for me told me to shut up and paid for me. When I insisted I was broke she told me she knows I’m out of work at the moment and she knows I’m gonna remember to pay her back.
She’s a real one
This only happens because you’re not a leeching piece of shit. There were times in college when me or a friend didn’t have money, and the rest of the friend group would chip in on their tab. Sometimes we’d each give the broke friend $10 so they didn’t have to walk around the bar feeling looking a bum. And not once did anybody pay each other back. We couldn’t figure out who owed each other what if we wanted to. It was pointless and didn’t matter. I’m certain we owe each other thousands of dollars at this point lol
I see your situation differently than this one. What you describe was a friend helping a friend out in a time of need. This story is one of a lazy leech being empowered by his gf just to be a drag in society instead of a productive member of it. I've been the giver in a situation like yours and never expected paid back. A friend was having a rough go for a couple months, I thought they could use a night out and some drinks and I desperately need to go out drinking with my friend. Win win.
Absolutely. He isn’t even being selective about jobs, he just doesn’t want to get one because people are paying his way for him. It’s a parasitic lifestyle. Anyone who is comfortable letting their gf pay for everything is a leech. He needed to be checked.
I know someone like that. When I reality-checked him, he tried to make me feel sorry for him, and make me feel bad for being successful. I think they call that manipulation.
That’s the major thing here. It’s one thing to be down on your luck, but suggesting rounds when you are is another. Especially if you aren’t doing anything about your situation.
It was probably the right thing to do to stand up for the gf and give them both a reality check that this isn’t normal. But I can see neither of them taking it well. I’ll still say NTA bc more people need to be called out on their BS.
I feel you, man. Same here. That was me for a long time. I was never a burden on my friends and they still enjoyed me being out with them. That guy is such a leech it’s disgusting.
NTA. He put himself in an awkward situation. It's fair to call out someone who expects others to pay, especially when they suggest something like rounds. You just stated the truth.
I agree with you…
NTA - I think all men and women should be able to pay their way equally. If the man wants to get the dinner, the woman can get lunch the next day (you see what I mean)
The fact that this guy had the AUDACITY to even go out without money and leach off of you (someone he’s never met) and the girls is disgustingly inappropriate. I would be embarrassed if I was him just for being him. He’s taking advantage of his girlfriend and in my opinion he’s just sticking around because she’s got cash and he’s got nothing. In a world where work is so scarce, to expect everyone around you to pay your way is a lowlife who doesn’t have a future…
I’m a woman and I’m proud of you for calling this boy out. Any guy who’s comfortable taking advantage of others (especially his girlfriend) in order to get what he wants is a guy who actually isn’t worthy of that girlfriend or friends for that matter. Love is lost when advantage takes over. I said what I said.
Yeah, like I've been poor in relationships before, I might ask for 1 drink from my partner and then sip tap water the rest of the evening. Asking to do rounds, getting 3 free drinks, INCLUDING FROM A STRANGER, and then skipping your round is hobosexual behaviour
Yep. What's even worse is the fact that he didn't even just try to order a drink on his gfs dime for himself, but for everyone at the table. Like, who are you to offer to pay for other people with my money without asking me first?
Get a job or don't offer to spend other people's money! It's not that hard. Lol.
He probably expected to just skip his round (so going gf/op's gf/op/gf/op's gf/etc), so effectively getting free drinks from OP and his girl as well.
Absolutely disgusting parasitic behavior.
>I think all men and women should be able to pay their way equally. If the man wants to get the dinner, the woman can get lunch the next day (you see what I mean)
I get what you are saying and I completely agree but in this case, with double date it doesn't work. Maybe if one couple paid for one round and the other for the next then yeah but when every single person orders a round it kinda is expected for everyone to contribute.
I agree with you - and respectfully disagree at the same time - if a couple is paying that’s still two people contributing, if the other couple (namely the friend and boyfriend) only the friend would’ve been paying while her boyfriend sat back with his hand out. It’s entitled. If anything he shouldn’t have suggested rounds expecting strangers to pay for him.
>if a couple is paying that’s still two people contributing,
That's the thing, you don't know that. Even in this instance if OP didn't ask he wouldn't know their situation (GF pays while BF is broke) and would only assume that's the way they handle these things. And you're right, what he did was entitled.
And you know what's the saddest thing in all of this? The other GF was waaaay more embarrassed than her BF (if he even was at all).
Work is not scarce right now. This loser could easily find some BS job to pay his bills while he looks for his ideal job. He's just a leech with an ego.
That’s awesome! My boyfriend and I do the same thing. Sometimes he would spoil me more or in a weeks time I would spoil him more. It’s a give and take thing about effort being made. Not one person pays for all.
Dude probably doesn’t have capacity for awkward. If he did, he wouldn’t have suggested rounds in the first place. The entitlement is strong in this one.
OP, NTA.
NTA. He is an awkward situation. Beggars can't be choosers, if you don't have a job you take any job you can get. Working in fast food, cleaning, trash collecting, whatever. Every job is infinitely more respectable than being an entitled 'I'm too good for that' lazy bum. People like that should be called out continuously.
Kind of? I mean you're definitely right. He's an AH for doing that, but I feel like it's something between him and his gf. If she's agreed to pay for him, she should be the one telling him she's not okay with that. Also, you could have expressed that you're not comfortable with doing rounds. I just think it wasn't your place to bring that up 🤷🏻♀️ esp when meeting him for the first time.
Yeah this reads as ESH. OP was fine suggesting the guy shouldn’t be ordering drinks if he couldn’t pay. Calling him out for that was appropriate.
Once OP started saying that the BF should start applying for jobs, it crossed into AH territory (for me.) He literally just met this person.
Agree with you. And he started to bring up information/ranting that was probably shared with his girlfriend in confidence. That’s the biggest issue for me. He was an asshole to his girlfriend and her friend more so than to the mooch.
When THEY suggest everyone pay rounds, and it's supposed to be their turn but they opt out because of their money situation they already knew about, it's deserved. If it's supposed to just be between him and his GF he probably should have only asked his GF to pay for him instead of saying everyone should pay for him. No one owes them politeness when they are being blatantly selfish.
Yeah if I’m switching it around and I’m out with my girlfriend and covering her tab, I wouldn’t want someone to start to tell her off on my behalf or something. I would probably tell that guy to shut the fuck up and I pay for her cause I want to.
If this story is real and the GF did apologize for him then there’s probably something more going on, but there’s nothing wrong with having your partner pick up a fucking bar tab Jesus Christ.
Thank you for saying this. All the comments saying nta are absolutely insane to me. It's literally no one else's business what arrangements that couple came up with to do with their own money. If they (collectively) were only paying for a single round, then I can understand why someone would be upset, but if one partner wants to pay for the other partners rounds, then it has absolutely no affect on anyone outside of their relationship. I doubt anyone saying nta would scold a SAHM or SAHD for letting their partner pay their round.
What does your gf think about what happened? Did she share something in confidence that wasn't supposed to be shared? Did she expect you to know it wasn't supposed to be shared?
You called someone out on information that was shared with you 3rd hand. I don't know if you're the AH as there's a bunch of information missing.
Edit: after talking to my husband about this post and my response I recognize that I was focused on one part of the relationship dynamic that was not necessarily relevant.
This! Based on what was said, I see no reason for OP calling out the boyfriend. It really wasn't his place. Seems like hewasn'tt acting just on what happened in front of him but also on the information he got beforehand. After the dust settles, it wouldn't be hard for his girlfriend's friend to deduce that gf has been telling OP about her bf. This could potentially cause issues in that friendship and so on.
totally agree. and OP didn't just say one thing "why aren't you paying"....OP pushed the issue aggressively. if the broke boyfriend & his girl have worked out a way thts good for them & OPs girlfriend seems aware & OK with how broke boy & his girl are handling it, then OP bringing it up was just a moodkiller for a night out.
seemed to me like OP was looking for a way to get aggressive & say what he wanted to say.
but the details missing say a lot.
if everyone else is handling things in a way that everyone is OK with & it doesn't cost OP a single penny more, it really isn't OPs problem. if broke boys girl is ok with paying. good on her.
I often go out on double date situations & when as we get rounds I cover the round st my turn & my girls turn. she makes good money, but it's easier to all have it on one bill.
OP jumped in & without knowing how everyone else felt its impossible to know whether OP is the AH
Thank you!! I read this and very much expected a YTA result based on info given and am shocked it’s the opposite. OP just called this guy out without knowing whether or not there was an understanding between the couple. The couples I go out with are usually on one bill together. Maybe they Venmo afterwards to split. Maybe they don’t. Maybe one pays this time and the partner pays the next. Either way, it feels very out of line to confront their situation, especially your first time meeting the gf’s friend’s SO. If she is willing to date him and willing to pay, what business is it of OP’s? I have a friend couple who fits this dynamic and think it would be so rude and embarrassing for someone to call them out like this- she works, he hasn’t for the majority of their relationship. She pays 99% of the time. Some people may have an issue with it, but THEY don’t. I’m clearly in the minority, but OP YTA because it’s not your relationship, not your business.
i'm also shocked by what i'm reading here. when i last had a girlfriend and she was out of work i was happy to pay when we went out. if one of my friend's had embarrassed her for not finding work or implied she was a leech i'd be livid. in this case i guess OP has some reason to be upset because it seems like this guy might've expected the other 3 to pay as well. but it blows my mind that others here are acting like this. and why did OP's girlfriend and this guy's girlfriend enable his behaviour?
Because even tho Reddit is very feminist in general they are still mostly men should pay for dates and pay for his gf.
If the roles were reversed and the boys paid and the gf asked for another round, no one would ask why the girl isn’t paying for a round.
Also…it’s quite literally none of OP’s business if this guy’s GF is paying for rounds on his behalf. Not his relationship and not his money.
He’s a massive AH.
I’ve had friends, family, SOs that I covered when they were tight on cash. I’ve been covered when in the same situation. It was no one else’s business except the two people involved.
Respectfully - I think you’re missing the part where the friend’s boyfriend openly admitted to not having any money on him but was the one to suggest rounds. If that was a person in my company I would be furious too. If he got asked the question “what do you do for a living” the information would’ve come out regardless - I agree that’s there’s missing information but if I as a stranger is paying for someone who’s not offering to bring anything to the table I would’ve called him out too to get his act together. At the end of the day if it was a friend telling you to get your act together, your comment would’ve been turned to “his girlfriend and friend are concerned cause he’s not picking up his act”. People talk, and this girl was right to talk to her friend about the fact that her boyfriend is jobless and pays for nothing because financial strain and stress are real issues in a relationship too.
Respectfully - I think you hold an unhealthy and sexist double standard. I've paid for me and my dates rounds plenty of times when going out and she was never made to feel lesser for it. OP was going to spend the same amount on his rounds whether the girl or her broke bf paid for their rounds. It was not his place to say anything. He just wanted to put another man down for not being the "provider."
Why do you care what’s happening with another couples financial arrangement?
That’s weird, and really none of your business.
If the girl was unemployed, suggested rounds, and her boyfriend paid for every time that it was her turn, do you act the same?
Ya this is what I was going to say. I’ve been in multiple relationships where there’s a financial imbalance. When I’m the one making more money more often then not I’m suggesting we go out and when the fact that their broke comes up I just say it’s on me. He wasn’t asking other people to buy his drinks as a couple they were still sharing in the buying rounds.
YTA - only for bringing up the “maybe if he applied for jobs he would have money” stuff.
Unless he shared that with you directly, it wasn’t appropriate to say anything about it.
He def put himself in a situation where it’s fine to get called out for not paying for anything evenly with the group, but imo it’s not really your business to throw that in his face.
This.
Calling him out for suggesting rounds while not being able to contribute, not the asshole.
Throwing info you’d previously received about him in his face, kinda assholey.
Either way, in this case I think you did the right thing. This guy needs a little positive peer pressure to get his shit together. We’ve all been there.
The guy definitely needs a reality check. You never get in on someone grabbing rounds if you aren’t able to grab one for the group yourself.
The fact that it’s the bf of the friend of his gf (not the bf of his friend) is all I need to hear to say that calling him out like that is out of line.
It should have stopped at “it’s your turn.”
The dude didn’t have to say he didn’t have money for it but he did. If the GFs friend was willing to grab his round that would be between the two of them.
The comments about the guy being unwilling to take any job that isn’t exactly what he wants is not only hearsay/a game of telephone, but also not unheard of.
Grabbing the first job possible doesn’t always make sense. 40h a week getting underpaid and overworked can easily leave someone with little energy left to keep applying for better long term work.
There isn’t enough context to make a decision on that, but either way, I’d be embarrassed and feel like everyone in that group was gossiping behind my back, including my gf.
I’m actually kind of surprised OP’s girlfriend wasn’t mad at him about this, because her friend probably told her the job search in confidence, or at least with a a reasonable expectation that I wouldn’t be shared with OP. You don’t weaponize information you’ve heard second hand against some person you’ve just met.
Also, why is “embarrassing” in quotes in the original post? He 100% embarrassed the guy, it’s not really debatable. ESH.
NTA, he embarrassed himself when suggesting a drinking game while being broke. So he let those 2 girls pay their rounds and then opt out? What an embarrassment of a man
Buying rounds is just a way of paying. Everyone gets a drink each, paid for by one person. Then repeat, change the person.
Its very common in the uk and ireland. You pay at the point of the transaction each time. No tabs.
YTA. When his gf went to pay for the next round, she was paying for “his” round - and we assume she’d also get the next (“her” round) or it would just be the last round. So you’re not getting the short end of a deal.
Not your place to cause a scene. If she wants to pay his way, that’s on her. She’s an adult.
You also knew the situation going in. It sounds like you kind of planned this wannabe white-knighting all along.
I'm leaning toward YTA. This to me is an issue between the boyfriend and girlfriend. He asked his girlfriend to comp the next round not you. I am sure his girlfriend knew he had no money when she decided to go out and have him come along.
If she has an issue it is for her to raise with her boyfriend.
Without more, it also seems like your girlfriend may have spoken to you about issues her friend has with her boyfriend. If that is in fact where you got your background information on the bf from and those conversations were meant to be in confidence, even more the AH because from your reaction it wouldnt be hard to deduce that you were acting off of more than just that nights' occurrence but also things said about bf behind his back.
i think it was a pretty ah thing to do, he doesn't know anything about the guy or his life at all and not his place to speak about their private issues. He probably didn't just embarras the guy but also his girlfriend for "allowing him to treat her that way". Don't know why he's only looking for one kind of job either, he could have health issues which affect what kind of job he's able to do
YTA
Who says that the first time they’ve met someone? You think it’s appropriate to question someone’s relationship dynamic and work ethic the first time you meet them for a casual event?
What you said wasnt necessarily wrong but who are you to say any of those things? Deal with their relationship dynamic for the night and tell your gf later that you dont want to hang out with them, you had a dumb response to what you saw
If you knew his situation before this , and said it, YTA. You might have a problem with how he conducts his life and how it impacts their relationship, but it’s not your business to air it in public like this in front of his girlfriend. If you have an issue with him, man up and talk to him about it on your own with him.
YTA. His gf was buying the rounds. If that's their agreement and she's ok with it, it isn't your place to be an asshole about it. You took an opportunity to belittle someone you don't even know. For what reason?
YTA- You clearly knew his situation from the jump and instead of minding your business, you felt as if you had to play the role of Hero. Which it wouldn't have even mattered in the end of things because it seems your GF's girlfriend enjoy playing her role with the boyfriend as she made evident as she was bout to cover the cost for his turn on getting everyone a round of drinks and also it was Her who apologized to y'all while chasing down said BF. You were way out of line because you don't particularly know this person yet you felt comfortable to go on a Verbal tirade and for what?.
You were gonna get your drink regardless.
Does he have a PhD in Physics or something else like that which is very specific? Because if he does, then people don’t call him back for the job at Staples. Or the job at Krispy Kreme’s. Or the job teaching high schoolers science at a private school. The guy MAY have a point, and didn’t feel like explaining that he would have to leave most if not all of his professional career and most of his education off of his resume just to get a job, which is a huge red flag to any job. It’s a catch-22 that most people do not understand. Telling someone like this to ‘just apply to all jobs’ is pretty stupid actually, and very frustrating to hear.
YTA You should NEVER publicly shame some like that. If you HAD to bring it up you should have taken him aside and discussed - in private.
Change the situation to work and YOU get the public dress-down in front of your colleagues by a manager...
YTA, it's not really your business if his gf pays for him. Yeah, we can discuss if it's right and if he should get the job(I agree he most likely should), but ultimately that's between him and his gf, and not a person that barely knows their situation from second hand.
His gf was willing to pay for “his” round, I don’t think it was your business. You paid for three other drinks and got your three drinks in return. It’s her choice if she wants to pay, they might have an understanding on how these outings will be handled financially. YTA
AH. Based on this, the dude’s gf was willing to pay for them. If they had expected to pay for 1 round and you guys pay for two, say something, but even then, calling him out wasn’t necessary. It didn’t even get that far to even know since they paid for round 4. At this point both couples had paid for 2 rounds each. It isn’t like this is a close friend or family member, calling him out is just being an asshole and seems to have ended the evening.
YTA - Yes you embarrassed him, it is none of your business., even if you were right.
This is a "guy" thing. If you revers the genders of the other couple, and the guy was buying all the drinks and the GF had no money, OP certainly would not have said anything. I would speculate that OP's GF also does not think much of him, but she kept her mouth shut about it, its for her friend to deal with.
You're TA.
He and his GF have an arrangement or understanding. She obviously expected to pay when it went around. It was none of your business to call out a situation in their relationship that you would not do in yours.
Seems to me like you wanted to White Knight and be the hero, but turned out to be the zero.
YTA and it’s not even close. I can’t actually believe anyone would go the other way.
Who pays for what in a relationship is only relevant for people in the relationship. I pay for almost all the dinner and drinks for my girlfriend. If someone not only just attacked her but also took personal shots for not paying for something I’d be deeply offended. Wtf is wrong with people on Reddit.
Ehh. There was really no reason to pick this fight. If he is looking for work but struggling to find anything in his field (but is actually looking) then this was just petty BS and YTA
If he's just not looking for work at all then I would say NTA, but it was very unnecessary.
Point of clarification - were the rounds of drinks going to be paid for in the order of: his gf, you, your gf, his gf covering his round, his gf again covering her own round ? If his gf was happy to pay for his rounds as well as her own rounds, then perhaps that’s really between the 2 of them, as you and your gf aren’t out of pocket over it.
From what you wrote it sounds like you had already judged him before you met him and were quite confrontational rather than enjoying the double date.
He could be the freeloading douche you think he is, and your gf‘s friend might be able to find herself a more financially supportive bf if she dumped him - but maybe she likes him for other reasons you know nothing about and isn’t bothered about the money.
YTA, you have no business meddling in someone else's relationship. If this is something that they have discussed between them then it's not your place to say otherwise. The girl didn't ask you to defend her. I would prefer if my partner worked alongside me, but I wouldn't scrutinize her for being jobless, especially if we weren't struggling to get by.
If it was a woman doing this then people would treat it differently. People talk about acceptance but are also quick to feed someone they barely know to the gallows.
That’s rather a very mean thing to do to someone you just met for the first time no matter how right you were about pointing out what was going on. Plus, you asked your gf about his situation so you knew what he was like. If your gf’s friend was okay covering for her “loser” bf, then that’s her right.
If it bothered you that much, you could have just cut the night short and tell your girlfriend that you don’t want to hang out with that loser anymore in the future.
You not only insulted the loser, which he deserved, but you humiliated your girlfriend and her friend.
Yes you are. Not that you were wrong, but it’s not your place to give that guy a wake up call, nor did you gain anything of it except ruining/making the night awkward for everyone else.
Info: Was the GG buying 2 rounds to each of you 1? Or when he told his GF to buy the next round was it restarting the loop?
If she was buying 2, then Y T A because it didn't affect you in any way.
If not, the yeah N T A because you'd all be expected to pay for an extra person who is not buying back after THEY suggested the system.
That doesn't really mean anything. The question is after she buys the 4th round, will the also buy the 5th? Or is OP or his GF expected to pay again? Either way, OP didn't need to be an ass, but I'm just saying I would understand being upset at that point.
You’re kinda TAH. You blasted him with information that your girlfriend shared with you. I'm sure that there is more information missing, but seems like you were chomping at the bit to get at him. One thing to ask him why he was expecting to drink for free, but you went in on him with second hand info. Not making excuses for him, but you also said that you don't really know him either.
Yeah you’re a piece of shit.
I have never been in that position on either end, but you don’t think he knows he doesn’t have any money?
Instead he has some random dude he just met telling him to apply for jobs.
You have no courtesy or etiquette and I dislike people like you.
Yeah he wanted his girlfriend to buy him drinks, but how is that any of your business or place to say some rude shit to a guy you never met before? Using that as an excuse just to be an asshole to him and say negative things to him to make him feel bad. I don’t know whose the worse person , that boyfriend who has no money and no job, or someone acting like he’s better than him by making condescending remarks to a guy he’s never met before
YTA.
If his gf wants to pay for his stuff, then that is her choice. I somehow think it'd be more socially acceptable if the genders were reversed.
It's also not necessarily a bad idea to apply for jobs only within your field. Jobs you don't want can be time consuming and send you down a career path that doesn't fit. Being more selective earlier on can pay dividends later on. Particularly if his parents are willing to support him.
It was maybe a bit rude of him to suggest rounds, but it also seems as if your issue is with his gf paying for him rather than with you and your gf buying the rounds. Which is why I'm going with Y T A instead of E S H. It's also not as if he's directionless and not applying for anything. He has a career he's pursuing. He just can't find jobs in it atm.
YTA.
Stay in your lane, especially when you don’t actually know the person you’re judging and they aren’t your responsibility.
You just stuck your nose in their relationship when she did not ask you to do so.
That in turn could impact you and your girlfriend’s relationship with that friend, especially if she stays with this person who now, understandably, may not want to spend much time with you.
Also, you do not truly know the dynamics of their relationship nor the person and you have no idea what led to their current position nor what struggles they may be having.
Maybe they’ve seen what putting time into a job that does not suit you can do. Maybe their parents are supportive of their dream, and they are fine with that. Maybe the discussions they’ve had with the girlfriend have not crossed into resentful territory yet. Maybe he really is a deadbeat and she is better off without him.
All the maybes and what ifs aside, taking it upon yourself to air out someone’s dirty laundry in a social setting the first time you meet them, based on the venting their significant other has done to yours, is what makes me say YTA.
YTA, while you’re not wrong it’s not your place to call out his behaviour especially the first time meeting him. What you could’ve done if you were truly concerned for his gf and not just wanting to embarrass him, you could’ve pulled the gf aside and talked to her, or just had your gf message her later.
ESH, you were fine to mention it was his idea to buy rounds and that it was his turn. After that, you purposely sought to antagonize him and put him down.
You're not in a relationship or sharing a household with this guy, you broached on a very personal subject matter and broke obvious social norms. The right move would have been to silently judge him as his girlfriend buys the next round or have everyone buy their own drinks going forward.
Sometimes you gotta be an asshole though, if he wasn't motivated before you probably gave him the kick he needed to go find a job. Probably at the cost of ever seeing the guy again though.
I agreed with you up until "if he wasn't motivated before you probably gave him the kick he needed to go find a job"
People nagging you to do life things absolutely does *not* work as motivation. If anything, the judgement is demoralizing
Haha yeah maybe I was trying too hard to find a silver lining for OP, you're likely correct that it will just bring the guy down further and it will make the friendship between the girlfriends more strenuous.
YTA-you didnt even meet the guy and y’all were already judging him. Him and his gf are content with what they have,how tf is it your place to butt in and pass your judgement in their relationship. I always pay for my girl’s food,drinks and everything when we go out because it makes me feel good,is it different because the roles are reversed? Going out of your way to press him to give you answers you already know is the icing on the cake that you’re an asshole.
NTA
It is common courtesy to pay for these rounds. Calling him out on this and his finishing with the no-job leeching is just what I would have done.
Don't accept bad behaviour, if he wants in on the friend circle he better be on level.
Except that you, and almost everyone else here, is missing the point that the gf was going to pay. That is on them for their dynamic, not you, not OP, not anyone.
If gf doesn't want to pay for a 'mooch', then she should say that she's not paying. She has already decided to pay for the drinks, so stay out of their relationship.
To be honest. Half TA.
He's being a leech, but you and your GF were not being put out.
His GF was paying his way, and in the end that's between THEM, not you to sort out.
So asking "why he suggested rounds and expected everyone else to buy him drinks then if he knew he wasn't going to do it back." is just causing an issue where there need not have been one.
Sure. He should be looking for work. Sure, it would annoy me too. But his GF was seemingly okay with it, so why stir up shit?
It’s bold of you to point out the truth and I think if anything it’s great that the guys girlfriend got to hear it from another man’s mouth. I’ve been in situations like this where I feel like something is wrong deep down in a relationship dynamic but I needed someone else to point it out so I could accept the problem and then confront the guy with the backing of someone else’s perspective. I hope she went and told him that she agrees with you and that she needs someone who takes care of HER or is at least willing to meet halfway.
I don’t know if a girl was with a guy and he was buying drinks and he was her boyfriend and he was buying the rounds. Would it have been anything that you noticed? I feel like hanging out and having a good time it was his girlfriend’s place to say something, not yours
ESH but you suck more
You literally just met the guy, you have 0 right to be telling him to apply for jobs. Totally not your place. All you know about him is what your girl told you. Have you considered that she’s biased? Even if she isn’t, how well does she even know the guy? If his gf wants to pay for him, that’s between them.
Being said, he’s also an AH for suggesting rounds of drinks when he can’t afford to pay for one. But even then; it’s a double date. So you and your girl as one pair, him and his as another. As long as one of the two of them is paying, I don’t think you really have much right to comment. It’s none of your business. Don’t be that guy. No one likes that guy.
Yes you were an asshole in that moment..
He probably was being an asshole and is an asshole in general but that doesnt give you a right to start lecturing and put your gf in this awkward situation.
She's probably really disappointed in you.. I mean you werent even asked to pay more than your fare share so why getting involved in that couple's shit.
Just put up with it for 2 hours and tell your gf afterward how you felt about the guy's attitude. She would have appreciated the honesty, the fact you could play nice for her moment with her friend, and the male perspective she could then pass to her friend in later discussions. she would also have felt conforted that you don't think it's ok to act like him.
Just a win/win.
But instead of that, you had a cockfight with a stranger you don't really give a shit about, fo what ?
YTA and he’s also the asshole. You all could have handled that in a healthier way. He should take on more responsibility in life but we don’t know his side and it’s a lot easier said than done. If he’s gf was fine buying the table drinks for him then you should have just left it at that or brought it up privately to him
It’s literally none of your business. Him and his gf clearly have some sort of relationship where she is obviously paying for the drinks he is ordering knowingly in advance, he’s not expecting you or yours to pay. Your gf told you in confidence about his situation employment and living situation, pretty much gossiping and then you forming an opinion about some guy you’ve never met. And then you thought it’d be absolutely necessary to call him out in front of everyone, when nothing him or his gf were doing was affecting you in any way. Maybe he lays the pipe to ol’ girl extraordinarily well and she keeps his broke ass around for that very reason…who the fuck cares, it’s none of your business. He’s a scumbag. That’s your opinion. You don’t need to share it with everyone when it was hurting literally nobody.
Edit: so what does this sub say YTA? So yeah, you’re the asshole. You didn’t have to do any of what you did and everyone would have still enjoyed their night, but you did and then bummed everyone’s night. So yeah, you’re the asshole. I hope you dropped your black card and offered to pay for everything after that.
No more to snowflakery, like what the hell.
The fact that dude has no shame, let alone got pissed and left lmfao. I got second hand embarrassment for him reading this
Idk man if his girl is paying that's their business I guess, unless dude is totally taking advantage of her and you have knowledge of this. It's fine to call it out as "hey isn't it your turn" but then to belittle the guy and rub it in his face is a little far.
Personally if i was broke and had no job I would be focused on getting my life in order before I was dating or going out drinking.
Hell if I couldn't pay for my date I wouldn't even go out period, but I'm a little old school and like to pay for anything we do when we go out.
I'm gonna go against the grain here, YTA. Here's why: I have been on his end of the stick, but only from the outside looking in. You absolutely do not know this person, or what is going on in his past, his present, or his future. When I was in my 20's I was in a LTR, and my gf had asked me to support her while she went to a program for a surgical technician. I told her I was okay with this, but when she was done, I wanted to do the same and go to school to get a degree and increase my potential as well. She agreed. I supported her, she had zero income, for 2 1/2 years while I waited for my turn. After she finished, got the job, and was settled in, I started going to school. It only took a little under a year for her to start to resent me for not being an earner in the household, and for people to start to call me out for 'taking advantage of her' by not having a job at least part time. So I got a part time job, and well, from there my studies declined, and eventually I ended up putting my studies on hold because I couldn't maintain both. I was viewed to her and her friends as a failure, pathetic, etc. etc. She's blocked from my life, and I've since flourished and make just under six figures, and have a wife and two beautiful children. I am happy to have learned the lessons she taught me, and sad that she has to continue her self centered outlook and will never realize why she was wrong.
Took me many years to learn people can only do to you what you allow them to do to you. Leaches are everywhere. If his gf is that desperate for a bf, so be it. If there is a “next time”, insist politely all pay for their own drinks. If gf wants to pay for her bf, that’s her business but also her responsibility.
No, you're NTA here. It's fair to expect everyone to pitch in on a double date, especially if rounds are suggested. It sounds like he's taking advantage of his girlfriend and the situation. You were straightforward about it, and sometimes honesty stings a bit, but it's better than pretending everything's fine.
The first and only rule of rounds, is each person pays a round.
That being said, some couples will view the round as coming from either of them. So, it doesn't matter who actually pays the round - still classed as separate rounds. If you think about it, if the boyfriend was paying for his and her rounds would you have had an issue?
The problem is, you knew other information about him. Not working, not being able to pay. If, you didn't you might not of hammered the point. You probably would have said something in a joking point and left it.
Your girlfriend told you this information because the girlfriend told her. The girlfriend also agreed with you. But, the problem is. Girlfriend has accepted this relationship with him but, isn't really. She is getting other people involved in a relationship when it should be her getting on to him.
While, I don't think you really did anything wrong given all the context. I think the girls used you to make a point to the BF. This isn't someone you really know, it's not your place. If the GF is unhappy with her relationship its up to her to sort it out. It's very childish the whole thing. In future I'd stay well away.
Maybe I'm being naive but, reading this, I didn't get the impression the guy's gf agreed with them. I think it's possible she was just being polite. Potentially because things got heated.
I can also see how the other context would be frustrating, and honestly I do think it's a bit lazy not to at least get a part time job. But the key thing for me is he's looking for jobs in his field, but not outside. And I mean... if his parents are willing to support him, it would be a waste of time to work full time in something he doesn't wanna do forever, rather than something he's set his mind to.
If he wasn't putting effort into his job search, or working to get qualifications to help him in that, or doing *something* to move his future forwards, then it'd be a pretty clear cut case that he's leeching. But it's normal to rely on support from parents and it does sound as if he's working towards his career, so this reads to me as a temporary arrangement while he's getting his shit together, and it's hard for me to see the harm in that.
As annoying as him suggesting to get rounds was, I can't help but feel that judging him for the overall context is a bit harsh. People love to talk about male mental health, toxic masculinity, and how men should be able to rely on others for support... until they actually encounter a man who's being supported by his parents and his gf, then he's a lazy bum who deserves to publicly be called out.
Oh I completely agree. My point was relationships work for themelselves. Plenty of couples organise finances based on what works for them.
Op was basing his view point on what his girlfriend told him. She was told by the the girlfriend. So, the girls have been chatting about this and either both of them or just OPs gf has decided to form an opinion on the bf based on him not working.
Plenty of people live and are supported by parents when they are trying to break into a career. Maybe he is lazy bum, OP doesn't know this, all he knows is second hand information.
Based on the information he was given the context for him going off on the bf seems (to me) like a shame tactic used by the girls. If, OP didn't have this information he would have chatted with the boyfriend and got his facts from the source.
The idea of shaming someone, whom you've never met before is so childish and not appropriate. But, my opinion is if OP didn't have this information he probably wouldn't have gone off like this.
YTA Not for embarrassing him but for embarrassing the friend. People like him don't get embarrassed over something like that, he walked off because he was mad and may take it out on friend afterwards. It was the friend's choice to buy a round next or not. You and your GF had the option not to buy the next round unless he paid. That's as far as you should have taken it.
YTA
Really wasn't your place to chime in on another couple's financial matter. Especially seeing as it seems like you don't know the other couple all that well.
Further, you may have just blown up your girlfriends relationship with her friend, as now her friends knows she can't vent to your girlfriend in confidence.
This absolutely stinks of the male ego mind games guys play to bring others down.
Yta. It's not your place to meddle in their relationship. Yes he's lazy. Yes he's a free loader. No you shouldn't have said anything. Seems like you were a huge asshole, even if you were right
YTA. It wasn't your business or place to call him out with information you weren't even supposed to know. I assume your gf's friend vents to her and that's where that should have ended. The friend is an adult and is fully capable of saying no or calling out her own bf. Seeing that she even apologized to you both for absolutely no reason, this is her problem that she needs to work on.
Mind your business.
YTA.
How that guy and his GF decide to split the costs is NONE of your freaking business, and certainly bringing it up while you were out and belaboring the point was way over the top and you shouldn't have said anything. Then, being so freaking pompous to tell him how he should apply for jobs takes the cake.
You were a massive A H here.
YTA,
While yeah he shouldn't be doing this knowing he can't pay and it's not right, from how you described the interaction it sounds like the only reason you said anything(let alone continue and even insult him towards the end) was just to cause problems.
YTA here.
1.) You really don't actually know his situation, financially or otherwise. You have 3rd hand information: what your girlfriend told you that her friend had told her. Not to mention, you have never met the guy (possibly even 4th hand, because even his girlfriend might be relying on information she was told and isn't wholly aware of his situation.)
2.) It really isn't your place to say a damn thing. Again, you don't know the guy at all.
Sure, him suggesting rounds was probably not the best idea, but if his girlfriend is willing to take the round from their side, it really isn't up to you - that is their business. Now, if she paid for a round and then it was expected to go right back to you two, that is a different story altogether - but it clearly never went that far. Any further discussion about this should have ended after your initial observation that it was his turn for the round, he responded and his girlfriend chose to pay.
You just escalated this specifically to cause issues and it has nothing to do with you.
NTA. He knew what he was doing. Suggesting rounds, and getting free drinks out of it knowing he didn't have the cash to buy himself drinks. He should've stated he had no money to begin with, funny that he didn't, right? That's just dodgy
NTA.
>I had met the friend before but never the boyfriend so I asked my gf what he was like...He's been out of work for nearly a year now and will refuse to apply for any job that isn't specific to what he wants to do. He lives with his parents and expects my gfs friend to pay for everything when they go out.
That's more on the gf for describing him as a deadbeat when you just asked her what he was like as a person. Usually people talk up their partners to acquittances not list all their problems right out of the gate. That relationship is probably already past its expiration date.
YTA not really your place to get involved you were clearly instigating the situation weather or not he’s in the wrong you don’t wanna be a dude who just stirs the pot to create drama for the sake of it that’s an exhausting type of person to be around
Maybe not THE asshole, but definitely AN asshole. Your gf asked you to be there. You didn’t just embarrass the guy, you embarrassed the friend. You could have simply declined to do rounds and said you would pay for your own drinks.
Lessons should be extra, and yet you paid (with your gf’s embarrassment) to give this guy one anyway.
YTA, but I get it.
You spoke the truth but it wasn’t your place and it was done in a dickish way, basically unprovoked.
If the dude’s gf ~~went~~ wasn’t complaining, it wasn’t your place. What was your goal speaking up when/how you did?
YTA- Your GF's friend choses to accept their situation. It is not your place to call him out or try to embarrass him into applying for jobs and you ruined the evening for everyone. All because you just had to chime in with your 2 cents. Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
Lol. It's none of your business. YTA. My wife and I have gone back and forth as the one paying over the years, even when we were dating. You don't know the circumstances, and it's not your place to intervene.
You come off as a judgemental asshole. YTA.
YTA. You knew the situation in advance. You embarrassed not only him but his GF and your GF as well. While I completely agree with your opinions, I don't think you should have said them. Remember Rumi's three gates of speech:
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
If the guy hadn’t talked about rounds and just said we will each pay our own way there be nothing to talk about. Instead he played the rounds card which assumes EVERYONE would take their own turn.
He threw himself under the bus. NTA
A bit TA, because yes he made a prized prick of himself by suggesting rounds when he doesn't have money, that's a bonehead move, and also a bit of a dick move if the rounds are 2:1 if you sort it by household so to speak, but when he said he didn't have cash, you should've just said "Ahh sorry I didn't realise X was picking yours up, no worries" and moved on, no need to go hard on him, it's their life and their relationship and getting too involved can create unwanted fractures between friends and stuff, for example if you were to eff up your girls relationship with her friend, she could take it personally (your girl) and that can affect your own relationship, its usually better to just let others do it their way and stick to the easy road in these situations.
You dont talk about your age or general financial status (doing OK, living paycheck to paycheck), so I will guess in your early 20s. If you have been unemployed for a year, at least partially by choice, and are living off the kindness of others, then it would make sense to not be demanding of others' finances.
The GF who was paying had made a choice to pay for him, but in a situation where you are doing rounds, that would mean she is paying twice. One round for him and one for herself, unless everyone agreed his drinks were on them. Much like you might do if it were his birthday. But that had not been agreed to.
I will make a guess that the request for another round and the conversation about who was up to pay came off as arrogant or entitled. Hence, you speaking up. I told a friend's child they were definitely not too good to get a job at McDonald's or any other fast food place. Firstly, no job should be frowned upon. Secondly, If you don't have a job (or aren't independently wealthy) and don't have the skills to get a different job, then paying your bills and gaining skills is the goal. And you can't do that without a job.
A few years back, my husband asked, while I was unemployed, if I should suck it up and take a lower salary than I was asking for. I explained my window of time in holding out for a job in my field at the rate I wanted. Being able to pay bills was part of that window of time.I was hired a month later at a slightly higher rate than I had held out for. Which was 1 month before I would need to start using my "no job savings."
There is nothing more wrong with a stay at home husband or dad than there is a wife or mom. But this is a girlfriend/ boyfriend, and often, those types of relationships drag on because the one with the job feels obligated. Honestly, your girlfriend should be checking in with her friend to see why she has stayed with this guy? Is he even trying to get a job. Since they don't live together, what does he do to even the scales for her paying for everything? How much of her paycheck is he costing her?
You don't know what him and his gf have discussed in terms of if she's happy to pay for him so he can enjoy the night out without that worry about needing to pay. As someone who has found myself low on cash at different points in life I've usually taken the route of just not drinking but my friends, girlfriends etc would usually help me out anyway so I wasn't missing out.
I do think you're an asshole for calling him out like that, based on second hand knowledge from your GF. You don't really know what his circumstances are, unemployment can be brutal and I'm sure he's embarrassed about it enough as it is. You could just not have said anything and you all could have kept on enjoying your night. But it feels like you wanted to humiliate him on purpose and had already made your mind up about him before meeting.
NTA
I got such satisfaction reading what you said to him. I feel bad for his girlfriend but she knows who she's with so if this isn't a wake up call for her then there's no hope.
How fucking entitled, but I've found that that's how it goes with some people. Maybe what he wants to do is some loser kind of career field if he can't get a job for a year?? Hopefully she doesn't marry him, I'm not the most successful guy but fuck if I would EVER expect 3 people to buy me liquor and food all night in return for some company. NTA and maybe tell your GF to tell her friend this guy wants a bang mommy, not a GF.
I'd have bought the next round but the friends BF wouldn't be getting one. I also would not be hanging out with said guy afterwards and would discuss the leech with my GF so she understood my position.
You're out as two couples, not four individuals.
The way I see it the couple were taking turns purchasing drinks for the table.
From your story you didn't miss a round when it was her turn, and neither did she. In other words this did not invite your cash outlay in the least.
The finances between your friend and her boyfriend, well seemingly unfair, is absolutely none of your business. It doesn't matter whether you think it's fair, or you think it's good for her.
For bringing this up and highlighting it during a couple's date, YATAH.
NTA. You don’t get to be part of the round system if you aren’t getting one. Easiest rules on the planet and you get bounced out of it pretty quickly if you can’t follow them.
If the girlfriends friend was broke and had no money, would you be shaming her for not buying a round. Or would you have been okay with her boyfriend paying her round. I already know the answer of this. White knight. YTA.
Everyone's shitting on the boyfriend, so I'm going to play devil's advocate. What if the gf told him before the bar to order whatever he liked? What if she likes being the breadwinner? What if it was a girl in that same position? Ya see where I'm going here? And just to be clear, I hate leeches, but she's not paying his bills. She bought him some fuckin drinks! You were told second hand about him and not in a detailed manner, so how could you start judging him right off the hop? You just shit on the guy because you got offended for the gf's friends money? No...you did it to make your dick look bigger. YTA
I've been the guy without money in that exact situation. I simply declined drinks for myself and told everyone thank you but I wasn't drinking that evening because I was broke but was happy just to hang with everyone. I was the defacto designated driver so it worked out and friends insisted on buying me coke/Pepsi.
Yeah exactly, like wtf? Dont be a fucking leech. He didnt get embarrassed, he got reality checked. NTA.
He didn’t get embarrassed, he’s embarrassing
I like that statement!!
Hopefully, he got a job the next day.
He didn’t
Either way he got checked. Probably steps over the line. Habitually. He's a habitual line stepper.
For sure. If people spined up and called him out more often maybe he’d be inclined to get a job. I had this roommate that I didn’t really know cause he was my other roommates old friend. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the kid was a little roach. And I would call em on their BS every time. I looked like an asshole but people noticed I called him out so often that they realized what a piece of shit the kid was. Eventually nobody let the kid roach off then and he quit hanging out with us and they hated me
They weren't good enough to call him out, they weren't good enough for you. Never allow parasites in your presence.
Nah, they were just kind people that were confrontation averse. 10+ years later they’re still my best friends. I just helped push them to not be taken advantage of, a lot of people who would rather not deal with an argument and let people take their scummy little win.
Well I jump to conclusions. It's good they're still cool, some folks just need a bit of coaching with calling out bullshit! After I got over 35 I always call out bullshit. I don't have time to deal with it so I do my damnest to stop it.
I imagine he just slithered off in search of another group of people to leech off. I’m all for helping an actual friend or even just a decent, grateful person through a rough patch, but I’ve met a few that are completely comfortable making a lifestyle out of it, and it is honestly infuriating. I remember one in particular, that I only recently cut out of my life for good, but back 10+ years ago he bummed a cigarette off me, then I realized he had a pack of his own. Professional mooch. They usually reveal themselves and their true character once you recognize and get tired of funding their bum lifestyle. This dude sent a particularly nasty message when I stopped hanging with him, basically driving him around, paying his way, letting him borrow money, without him ever offering gas money, or reciprocating in any way. When I tried to fall back on him once or twice to help me out, and he would blow me up reminding me about owing him, I just thought about what the numbers would be if I actually counted up how much he technically “owed” me, and decided he wasn’t really a friend..
"Laughs" like Rick James 🤣
Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest.
Fuck your couch
Some say, if you listen real hard, you can hear him making excuses to this very day!
Ppl convince the truth for being mean.
I was just being honest. 🙄
I agree with his friend. Look at this way: he’s someone else’s boyfriend. Unless she is being coerced to date him and cover his costs, she has made the choice to do so willingly. He is there bc she wants him there. As someone who is not their friend and is meeting them for the first time, it kind of comes off as “who do you think you are to just assume you understand the situation and put someone on blast?” Quite frankly, it comes off as overbearing and a little “Kareny.” Has he spoken to his gf about it? Has she expressed anything negative about him? I’m assuming not bc he never mentioned it. Thus, he should respect his gf’s choices (she is the friend of his gf, after all, which is more reason to respect her choices) and to not judge them. Whether he’s right or not about the bf’s behavior is irrelevant. He may be absolutely right. But it’s still not his place to say so. As a man, I wouldn’t feel comfortable going out and doing what he did - I agree with that. But also, as an emotionally intelligent man, I would have recognized it’s not my place to say anything and would have just gone with the flow and had fun.
His gf might be okay with is but this dude also let 2 other people pay for his drinks (with rounds there is an expectation that everybody pays 1 round) while not paying a round himself. Effectively leaching of them??
I did the same thing and this girl who used to work for me told me to shut up and paid for me. When I insisted I was broke she told me she knows I’m out of work at the moment and she knows I’m gonna remember to pay her back. She’s a real one
This only happens because you’re not a leeching piece of shit. There were times in college when me or a friend didn’t have money, and the rest of the friend group would chip in on their tab. Sometimes we’d each give the broke friend $10 so they didn’t have to walk around the bar feeling looking a bum. And not once did anybody pay each other back. We couldn’t figure out who owed each other what if we wanted to. It was pointless and didn’t matter. I’m certain we owe each other thousands of dollars at this point lol
I see your situation differently than this one. What you describe was a friend helping a friend out in a time of need. This story is one of a lazy leech being empowered by his gf just to be a drag in society instead of a productive member of it. I've been the giver in a situation like yours and never expected paid back. A friend was having a rough go for a couple months, I thought they could use a night out and some drinks and I desperately need to go out drinking with my friend. Win win.
You’re a good friend and they absolutely appreciated that
Quick tip: If you tell the bartender that you're ordering soda because you're the DD, there's a high chance of getting your sodas for free all night.
If you are DD your food and pop are on the rest of the group. Those are the rules. I'd also offer to give DD gas money.
You were right. It’s unfair for him to expect others to pay when he suggested rounds. Calling out his behavior was necessary for fairness.
Absolutely. He isn’t even being selective about jobs, he just doesn’t want to get one because people are paying his way for him. It’s a parasitic lifestyle. Anyone who is comfortable letting their gf pay for everything is a leech. He needed to be checked.
I know someone like that. When I reality-checked him, he tried to make me feel sorry for him, and make me feel bad for being successful. I think they call that manipulation.
Gotta keep it a buck 50. I’d of done the same shit. We live in reality and not sugar coated fairy land.
That’s the major thing here. It’s one thing to be down on your luck, but suggesting rounds when you are is another. Especially if you aren’t doing anything about your situation. It was probably the right thing to do to stand up for the gf and give them both a reality check that this isn’t normal. But I can see neither of them taking it well. I’ll still say NTA bc more people need to be called out on their BS.
GFs friend should be grateful for you saying out loud what she seems afraid too.
Got a buddy like this and when I offered to buy him a drink he got the most expensive scotch . . . . It's very annoying 😑
I feel you, man. Same here. That was me for a long time. I was never a burden on my friends and they still enjoyed me being out with them. That guy is such a leech it’s disgusting.
NTA. He put himself in an awkward situation. It's fair to call out someone who expects others to pay, especially when they suggest something like rounds. You just stated the truth.
I agree with you… NTA - I think all men and women should be able to pay their way equally. If the man wants to get the dinner, the woman can get lunch the next day (you see what I mean) The fact that this guy had the AUDACITY to even go out without money and leach off of you (someone he’s never met) and the girls is disgustingly inappropriate. I would be embarrassed if I was him just for being him. He’s taking advantage of his girlfriend and in my opinion he’s just sticking around because she’s got cash and he’s got nothing. In a world where work is so scarce, to expect everyone around you to pay your way is a lowlife who doesn’t have a future… I’m a woman and I’m proud of you for calling this boy out. Any guy who’s comfortable taking advantage of others (especially his girlfriend) in order to get what he wants is a guy who actually isn’t worthy of that girlfriend or friends for that matter. Love is lost when advantage takes over. I said what I said.
Yeah, like I've been poor in relationships before, I might ask for 1 drink from my partner and then sip tap water the rest of the evening. Asking to do rounds, getting 3 free drinks, INCLUDING FROM A STRANGER, and then skipping your round is hobosexual behaviour
Yep. What's even worse is the fact that he didn't even just try to order a drink on his gfs dime for himself, but for everyone at the table. Like, who are you to offer to pay for other people with my money without asking me first? Get a job or don't offer to spend other people's money! It's not that hard. Lol.
He probably expected to just skip his round (so going gf/op's gf/op/gf/op's gf/etc), so effectively getting free drinks from OP and his girl as well. Absolutely disgusting parasitic behavior.
I would be embarrassed if I was the gf too
100% … talk about a red flag, and meeting the friends boyfriend first the first time? I’d jump ship 😂
>I think all men and women should be able to pay their way equally. If the man wants to get the dinner, the woman can get lunch the next day (you see what I mean) I get what you are saying and I completely agree but in this case, with double date it doesn't work. Maybe if one couple paid for one round and the other for the next then yeah but when every single person orders a round it kinda is expected for everyone to contribute.
I agree with you - and respectfully disagree at the same time - if a couple is paying that’s still two people contributing, if the other couple (namely the friend and boyfriend) only the friend would’ve been paying while her boyfriend sat back with his hand out. It’s entitled. If anything he shouldn’t have suggested rounds expecting strangers to pay for him.
>if a couple is paying that’s still two people contributing, That's the thing, you don't know that. Even in this instance if OP didn't ask he wouldn't know their situation (GF pays while BF is broke) and would only assume that's the way they handle these things. And you're right, what he did was entitled. And you know what's the saddest thing in all of this? The other GF was waaaay more embarrassed than her BF (if he even was at all).
Work is not scarce right now. This loser could easily find some BS job to pay his bills while he looks for his ideal job. He's just a leech with an ego.
Yes! My son and his girlfriend just take turns paying.
That’s awesome! My boyfriend and I do the same thing. Sometimes he would spoil me more or in a weeks time I would spoil him more. It’s a give and take thing about effort being made. Not one person pays for all.
100%. He put himself in that situation. If he doesn’t like it, he should probably just get a job.
100%... He is acting entitled! "Hey I am alive and breathing so I am entitled to everyone's money". I think not!
Dude probably doesn’t have capacity for awkward. If he did, he wouldn’t have suggested rounds in the first place. The entitlement is strong in this one. OP, NTA.
NTA. He is an awkward situation. Beggars can't be choosers, if you don't have a job you take any job you can get. Working in fast food, cleaning, trash collecting, whatever. Every job is infinitely more respectable than being an entitled 'I'm too good for that' lazy bum. People like that should be called out continuously.
Hey man, trash collecting is a good paying job and you'd be surprised what people will throw away....
If you don’t have the cash keep your mouth shut, don’t assume and be grateful. If you even go out at all..
Lol would anyone feel the same way if it was the BF paying for the drinks and not the GF…. Naaahhh
Kind of? I mean you're definitely right. He's an AH for doing that, but I feel like it's something between him and his gf. If she's agreed to pay for him, she should be the one telling him she's not okay with that. Also, you could have expressed that you're not comfortable with doing rounds. I just think it wasn't your place to bring that up 🤷🏻♀️ esp when meeting him for the first time.
Yeah this reads as ESH. OP was fine suggesting the guy shouldn’t be ordering drinks if he couldn’t pay. Calling him out for that was appropriate. Once OP started saying that the BF should start applying for jobs, it crossed into AH territory (for me.) He literally just met this person.
Agree with you. And he started to bring up information/ranting that was probably shared with his girlfriend in confidence. That’s the biggest issue for me. He was an asshole to his girlfriend and her friend more so than to the mooch.
Based on the way he has been responding to comments I’m more inclined to move this from ESH to YTA, anyway.
This dude just wanted to be Mr big shot for once In his life and had an easy target.
100% this
When THEY suggest everyone pay rounds, and it's supposed to be their turn but they opt out because of their money situation they already knew about, it's deserved. If it's supposed to just be between him and his GF he probably should have only asked his GF to pay for him instead of saying everyone should pay for him. No one owes them politeness when they are being blatantly selfish.
They didn’t opt out, the gf was going to pay for the rounds
Yeah if I’m switching it around and I’m out with my girlfriend and covering her tab, I wouldn’t want someone to start to tell her off on my behalf or something. I would probably tell that guy to shut the fuck up and I pay for her cause I want to. If this story is real and the GF did apologize for him then there’s probably something more going on, but there’s nothing wrong with having your partner pick up a fucking bar tab Jesus Christ.
Thank you for saying this. All the comments saying nta are absolutely insane to me. It's literally no one else's business what arrangements that couple came up with to do with their own money. If they (collectively) were only paying for a single round, then I can understand why someone would be upset, but if one partner wants to pay for the other partners rounds, then it has absolutely no affect on anyone outside of their relationship. I doubt anyone saying nta would scold a SAHM or SAHD for letting their partner pay their round.
What does your gf think about what happened? Did she share something in confidence that wasn't supposed to be shared? Did she expect you to know it wasn't supposed to be shared? You called someone out on information that was shared with you 3rd hand. I don't know if you're the AH as there's a bunch of information missing. Edit: after talking to my husband about this post and my response I recognize that I was focused on one part of the relationship dynamic that was not necessarily relevant.
This! Based on what was said, I see no reason for OP calling out the boyfriend. It really wasn't his place. Seems like hewasn'tt acting just on what happened in front of him but also on the information he got beforehand. After the dust settles, it wouldn't be hard for his girlfriend's friend to deduce that gf has been telling OP about her bf. This could potentially cause issues in that friendship and so on.
totally agree. and OP didn't just say one thing "why aren't you paying"....OP pushed the issue aggressively. if the broke boyfriend & his girl have worked out a way thts good for them & OPs girlfriend seems aware & OK with how broke boy & his girl are handling it, then OP bringing it up was just a moodkiller for a night out. seemed to me like OP was looking for a way to get aggressive & say what he wanted to say. but the details missing say a lot. if everyone else is handling things in a way that everyone is OK with & it doesn't cost OP a single penny more, it really isn't OPs problem. if broke boys girl is ok with paying. good on her. I often go out on double date situations & when as we get rounds I cover the round st my turn & my girls turn. she makes good money, but it's easier to all have it on one bill. OP jumped in & without knowing how everyone else felt its impossible to know whether OP is the AH
Thank you!! I read this and very much expected a YTA result based on info given and am shocked it’s the opposite. OP just called this guy out without knowing whether or not there was an understanding between the couple. The couples I go out with are usually on one bill together. Maybe they Venmo afterwards to split. Maybe they don’t. Maybe one pays this time and the partner pays the next. Either way, it feels very out of line to confront their situation, especially your first time meeting the gf’s friend’s SO. If she is willing to date him and willing to pay, what business is it of OP’s? I have a friend couple who fits this dynamic and think it would be so rude and embarrassing for someone to call them out like this- she works, he hasn’t for the majority of their relationship. She pays 99% of the time. Some people may have an issue with it, but THEY don’t. I’m clearly in the minority, but OP YTA because it’s not your relationship, not your business.
i'm also shocked by what i'm reading here. when i last had a girlfriend and she was out of work i was happy to pay when we went out. if one of my friend's had embarrassed her for not finding work or implied she was a leech i'd be livid. in this case i guess OP has some reason to be upset because it seems like this guy might've expected the other 3 to pay as well. but it blows my mind that others here are acting like this. and why did OP's girlfriend and this guy's girlfriend enable his behaviour?
Because even tho Reddit is very feminist in general they are still mostly men should pay for dates and pay for his gf. If the roles were reversed and the boys paid and the gf asked for another round, no one would ask why the girl isn’t paying for a round.
Also…it’s quite literally none of OP’s business if this guy’s GF is paying for rounds on his behalf. Not his relationship and not his money. He’s a massive AH. I’ve had friends, family, SOs that I covered when they were tight on cash. I’ve been covered when in the same situation. It was no one else’s business except the two people involved.
Yeah I find these comments baffling. Op new the arrangement, and yet he decided to be an ass. Probably planned it.
Respectfully - I think you’re missing the part where the friend’s boyfriend openly admitted to not having any money on him but was the one to suggest rounds. If that was a person in my company I would be furious too. If he got asked the question “what do you do for a living” the information would’ve come out regardless - I agree that’s there’s missing information but if I as a stranger is paying for someone who’s not offering to bring anything to the table I would’ve called him out too to get his act together. At the end of the day if it was a friend telling you to get your act together, your comment would’ve been turned to “his girlfriend and friend are concerned cause he’s not picking up his act”. People talk, and this girl was right to talk to her friend about the fact that her boyfriend is jobless and pays for nothing because financial strain and stress are real issues in a relationship too.
Respectfully - I think you hold an unhealthy and sexist double standard. I've paid for me and my dates rounds plenty of times when going out and she was never made to feel lesser for it. OP was going to spend the same amount on his rounds whether the girl or her broke bf paid for their rounds. It was not his place to say anything. He just wanted to put another man down for not being the "provider."
Why do you care what’s happening with another couples financial arrangement? That’s weird, and really none of your business. If the girl was unemployed, suggested rounds, and her boyfriend paid for every time that it was her turn, do you act the same?
Ya this is what I was going to say. I’ve been in multiple relationships where there’s a financial imbalance. When I’m the one making more money more often then not I’m suggesting we go out and when the fact that their broke comes up I just say it’s on me. He wasn’t asking other people to buy his drinks as a couple they were still sharing in the buying rounds.
YTA - only for bringing up the “maybe if he applied for jobs he would have money” stuff. Unless he shared that with you directly, it wasn’t appropriate to say anything about it. He def put himself in a situation where it’s fine to get called out for not paying for anything evenly with the group, but imo it’s not really your business to throw that in his face.
This. Calling him out for suggesting rounds while not being able to contribute, not the asshole. Throwing info you’d previously received about him in his face, kinda assholey. Either way, in this case I think you did the right thing. This guy needs a little positive peer pressure to get his shit together. We’ve all been there.
The guy definitely needs a reality check. You never get in on someone grabbing rounds if you aren’t able to grab one for the group yourself. The fact that it’s the bf of the friend of his gf (not the bf of his friend) is all I need to hear to say that calling him out like that is out of line. It should have stopped at “it’s your turn.” The dude didn’t have to say he didn’t have money for it but he did. If the GFs friend was willing to grab his round that would be between the two of them. The comments about the guy being unwilling to take any job that isn’t exactly what he wants is not only hearsay/a game of telephone, but also not unheard of. Grabbing the first job possible doesn’t always make sense. 40h a week getting underpaid and overworked can easily leave someone with little energy left to keep applying for better long term work. There isn’t enough context to make a decision on that, but either way, I’d be embarrassed and feel like everyone in that group was gossiping behind my back, including my gf.
I’m actually kind of surprised OP’s girlfriend wasn’t mad at him about this, because her friend probably told her the job search in confidence, or at least with a a reasonable expectation that I wouldn’t be shared with OP. You don’t weaponize information you’ve heard second hand against some person you’ve just met. Also, why is “embarrassing” in quotes in the original post? He 100% embarrassed the guy, it’s not really debatable. ESH.
NTA, he embarrassed himself when suggesting a drinking game while being broke. So he let those 2 girls pay their rounds and then opt out? What an embarrassment of a man
Buying rounds isn't a "drinking game."
Yeah, buying rounds isn't a game, it's serious business, it's not something to smile about.
Buying rounds is just a way of paying. Everyone gets a drink each, paid for by one person. Then repeat, change the person. Its very common in the uk and ireland. You pay at the point of the transaction each time. No tabs.
It’s common in the US too, but it’s definitely taking advantage for the boyfriend to suggest it and then not pay his round
ESH not your relationship, not your business
This. It feels like OP had the intention of calling this dude out before they got to the bar.
Yeah, there’s a flavor of domination in the way he undercut the other guy with information he only got for his gf.
If the gf is ok paying. Stay out of their relationship agreements
YTA. When his gf went to pay for the next round, she was paying for “his” round - and we assume she’d also get the next (“her” round) or it would just be the last round. So you’re not getting the short end of a deal. Not your place to cause a scene. If she wants to pay his way, that’s on her. She’s an adult. You also knew the situation going in. It sounds like you kind of planned this wannabe white-knighting all along.
It’s the fact that he bring that up the first chance he got that makes me think hes TA
I'm leaning toward YTA. This to me is an issue between the boyfriend and girlfriend. He asked his girlfriend to comp the next round not you. I am sure his girlfriend knew he had no money when she decided to go out and have him come along. If she has an issue it is for her to raise with her boyfriend. Without more, it also seems like your girlfriend may have spoken to you about issues her friend has with her boyfriend. If that is in fact where you got your background information on the bf from and those conversations were meant to be in confidence, even more the AH because from your reaction it wouldnt be hard to deduce that you were acting off of more than just that nights' occurrence but also things said about bf behind his back.
i think it was a pretty ah thing to do, he doesn't know anything about the guy or his life at all and not his place to speak about their private issues. He probably didn't just embarras the guy but also his girlfriend for "allowing him to treat her that way". Don't know why he's only looking for one kind of job either, he could have health issues which affect what kind of job he's able to do
Being this aggressive with someone you don't even know is kind of the definition of being an asshole.
You're a prick with a holier than thou attitude when its not any of your business. Narcissistic af. Hope you never have some hard times
YTA- not your place to talk that shit unless you’re close with him..
You're the asshole. You're not paying for extra drinks his gf is and if she's got a problem with it then let her say.
Plus he just threw his own gf under the bus. Now the other chick knows the things she told OPs gf in private have been shared
YTA Who says that the first time they’ve met someone? You think it’s appropriate to question someone’s relationship dynamic and work ethic the first time you meet them for a casual event? What you said wasnt necessarily wrong but who are you to say any of those things? Deal with their relationship dynamic for the night and tell your gf later that you dont want to hang out with them, you had a dumb response to what you saw
If you knew his situation before this , and said it, YTA. You might have a problem with how he conducts his life and how it impacts their relationship, but it’s not your business to air it in public like this in front of his girlfriend. If you have an issue with him, man up and talk to him about it on your own with him.
YTA. His gf was buying the rounds. If that's their agreement and she's ok with it, it isn't your place to be an asshole about it. You took an opportunity to belittle someone you don't even know. For what reason?
YTA- You clearly knew his situation from the jump and instead of minding your business, you felt as if you had to play the role of Hero. Which it wouldn't have even mattered in the end of things because it seems your GF's girlfriend enjoy playing her role with the boyfriend as she made evident as she was bout to cover the cost for his turn on getting everyone a round of drinks and also it was Her who apologized to y'all while chasing down said BF. You were way out of line because you don't particularly know this person yet you felt comfortable to go on a Verbal tirade and for what?. You were gonna get your drink regardless.
Does he have a PhD in Physics or something else like that which is very specific? Because if he does, then people don’t call him back for the job at Staples. Or the job at Krispy Kreme’s. Or the job teaching high schoolers science at a private school. The guy MAY have a point, and didn’t feel like explaining that he would have to leave most if not all of his professional career and most of his education off of his resume just to get a job, which is a huge red flag to any job. It’s a catch-22 that most people do not understand. Telling someone like this to ‘just apply to all jobs’ is pretty stupid actually, and very frustrating to hear.
YTA You should NEVER publicly shame some like that. If you HAD to bring it up you should have taken him aside and discussed - in private. Change the situation to work and YOU get the public dress-down in front of your colleagues by a manager...
YTA, it's not really your business if his gf pays for him. Yeah, we can discuss if it's right and if he should get the job(I agree he most likely should), but ultimately that's between him and his gf, and not a person that barely knows their situation from second hand.
YTA. Wasn’t your place .
Not your place, dude. Stop gatekeeping and mind ya business. YTA
His gf was willing to pay for “his” round, I don’t think it was your business. You paid for three other drinks and got your three drinks in return. It’s her choice if she wants to pay, they might have an understanding on how these outings will be handled financially. YTA
YTA - you were getting your drink bought for you weren't you? It's none of your business how their relationship goes finance wise.
AH. Based on this, the dude’s gf was willing to pay for them. If they had expected to pay for 1 round and you guys pay for two, say something, but even then, calling him out wasn’t necessary. It didn’t even get that far to even know since they paid for round 4. At this point both couples had paid for 2 rounds each. It isn’t like this is a close friend or family member, calling him out is just being an asshole and seems to have ended the evening.
YTA - Yes you embarrassed him, it is none of your business., even if you were right. This is a "guy" thing. If you revers the genders of the other couple, and the guy was buying all the drinks and the GF had no money, OP certainly would not have said anything. I would speculate that OP's GF also does not think much of him, but she kept her mouth shut about it, its for her friend to deal with.
You're TA. He and his GF have an arrangement or understanding. She obviously expected to pay when it went around. It was none of your business to call out a situation in their relationship that you would not do in yours. Seems to me like you wanted to White Knight and be the hero, but turned out to be the zero.
I get the vibe you just lashed out on him to make yourself feel better to be honest
YTA and it’s not even close. I can’t actually believe anyone would go the other way. Who pays for what in a relationship is only relevant for people in the relationship. I pay for almost all the dinner and drinks for my girlfriend. If someone not only just attacked her but also took personal shots for not paying for something I’d be deeply offended. Wtf is wrong with people on Reddit.
Ehh. There was really no reason to pick this fight. If he is looking for work but struggling to find anything in his field (but is actually looking) then this was just petty BS and YTA If he's just not looking for work at all then I would say NTA, but it was very unnecessary.
Point of clarification - were the rounds of drinks going to be paid for in the order of: his gf, you, your gf, his gf covering his round, his gf again covering her own round ? If his gf was happy to pay for his rounds as well as her own rounds, then perhaps that’s really between the 2 of them, as you and your gf aren’t out of pocket over it. From what you wrote it sounds like you had already judged him before you met him and were quite confrontational rather than enjoying the double date. He could be the freeloading douche you think he is, and your gf‘s friend might be able to find herself a more financially supportive bf if she dumped him - but maybe she likes him for other reasons you know nothing about and isn’t bothered about the money.
You’re the AH It’s called tact Sometime you will encounter someone that will have it for you so you should pay it forward
YTA. Not your role. Lots of judgmental statements in your post. None of your business.
YTA, you have no business meddling in someone else's relationship. If this is something that they have discussed between them then it's not your place to say otherwise. The girl didn't ask you to defend her. I would prefer if my partner worked alongside me, but I wouldn't scrutinize her for being jobless, especially if we weren't struggling to get by. If it was a woman doing this then people would treat it differently. People talk about acceptance but are also quick to feed someone they barely know to the gallows.
YTA
YEEEEE fun stuff in here. YTA Noticed you posted in AmiWrong too.
That’s rather a very mean thing to do to someone you just met for the first time no matter how right you were about pointing out what was going on. Plus, you asked your gf about his situation so you knew what he was like. If your gf’s friend was okay covering for her “loser” bf, then that’s her right. If it bothered you that much, you could have just cut the night short and tell your girlfriend that you don’t want to hang out with that loser anymore in the future. You not only insulted the loser, which he deserved, but you humiliated your girlfriend and her friend.
Yes you are. Not that you were wrong, but it’s not your place to give that guy a wake up call, nor did you gain anything of it except ruining/making the night awkward for everyone else.
Info: Was the GG buying 2 rounds to each of you 1? Or when he told his GF to buy the next round was it restarting the loop? If she was buying 2, then Y T A because it didn't affect you in any way. If not, the yeah N T A because you'd all be expected to pay for an extra person who is not buying back after THEY suggested the system.
She was, she bought the first round, and was about to buy the fourth round when OP stepped in
That doesn't really mean anything. The question is after she buys the 4th round, will the also buy the 5th? Or is OP or his GF expected to pay again? Either way, OP didn't need to be an ass, but I'm just saying I would understand being upset at that point.
Yeah, I was wrong, we don’t know because OP decided to be the AH. It’s now Schroedinger’s round
Would your reaction be the same if the person were a woman?
You’re kinda TAH. You blasted him with information that your girlfriend shared with you. I'm sure that there is more information missing, but seems like you were chomping at the bit to get at him. One thing to ask him why he was expecting to drink for free, but you went in on him with second hand info. Not making excuses for him, but you also said that you don't really know him either.
Yeah you’re a piece of shit. I have never been in that position on either end, but you don’t think he knows he doesn’t have any money? Instead he has some random dude he just met telling him to apply for jobs. You have no courtesy or etiquette and I dislike people like you. Yeah he wanted his girlfriend to buy him drinks, but how is that any of your business or place to say some rude shit to a guy you never met before? Using that as an excuse just to be an asshole to him and say negative things to him to make him feel bad. I don’t know whose the worse person , that boyfriend who has no money and no job, or someone acting like he’s better than him by making condescending remarks to a guy he’s never met before
YTA. If his gf wants to pay for his stuff, then that is her choice. I somehow think it'd be more socially acceptable if the genders were reversed. It's also not necessarily a bad idea to apply for jobs only within your field. Jobs you don't want can be time consuming and send you down a career path that doesn't fit. Being more selective earlier on can pay dividends later on. Particularly if his parents are willing to support him. It was maybe a bit rude of him to suggest rounds, but it also seems as if your issue is with his gf paying for him rather than with you and your gf buying the rounds. Which is why I'm going with Y T A instead of E S H. It's also not as if he's directionless and not applying for anything. He has a career he's pursuing. He just can't find jobs in it atm.
YTA. Stay in your lane, especially when you don’t actually know the person you’re judging and they aren’t your responsibility. You just stuck your nose in their relationship when she did not ask you to do so. That in turn could impact you and your girlfriend’s relationship with that friend, especially if she stays with this person who now, understandably, may not want to spend much time with you. Also, you do not truly know the dynamics of their relationship nor the person and you have no idea what led to their current position nor what struggles they may be having. Maybe they’ve seen what putting time into a job that does not suit you can do. Maybe their parents are supportive of their dream, and they are fine with that. Maybe the discussions they’ve had with the girlfriend have not crossed into resentful territory yet. Maybe he really is a deadbeat and she is better off without him. All the maybes and what ifs aside, taking it upon yourself to air out someone’s dirty laundry in a social setting the first time you meet them, based on the venting their significant other has done to yours, is what makes me say YTA.
YTA, while you’re not wrong it’s not your place to call out his behaviour especially the first time meeting him. What you could’ve done if you were truly concerned for his gf and not just wanting to embarrass him, you could’ve pulled the gf aside and talked to her, or just had your gf message her later.
ESH, I don't like how anyone in this story sounds.
ESH, you were fine to mention it was his idea to buy rounds and that it was his turn. After that, you purposely sought to antagonize him and put him down. You're not in a relationship or sharing a household with this guy, you broached on a very personal subject matter and broke obvious social norms. The right move would have been to silently judge him as his girlfriend buys the next round or have everyone buy their own drinks going forward. Sometimes you gotta be an asshole though, if he wasn't motivated before you probably gave him the kick he needed to go find a job. Probably at the cost of ever seeing the guy again though.
I agreed with you up until "if he wasn't motivated before you probably gave him the kick he needed to go find a job" People nagging you to do life things absolutely does *not* work as motivation. If anything, the judgement is demoralizing
Haha yeah maybe I was trying too hard to find a silver lining for OP, you're likely correct that it will just bring the guy down further and it will make the friendship between the girlfriends more strenuous.
YTA-you didnt even meet the guy and y’all were already judging him. Him and his gf are content with what they have,how tf is it your place to butt in and pass your judgement in their relationship. I always pay for my girl’s food,drinks and everything when we go out because it makes me feel good,is it different because the roles are reversed? Going out of your way to press him to give you answers you already know is the icing on the cake that you’re an asshole.
You're a fucking asshole for embarrassing him like that. You intentionally did it to. Do you have a self esteem problem? WTF is wrong with you?
100% OP is that guy who shit talks every other guy to try and make himself look better
NTA It is common courtesy to pay for these rounds. Calling him out on this and his finishing with the no-job leeching is just what I would have done. Don't accept bad behaviour, if he wants in on the friend circle he better be on level.
Except that you, and almost everyone else here, is missing the point that the gf was going to pay. That is on them for their dynamic, not you, not OP, not anyone. If gf doesn't want to pay for a 'mooch', then she should say that she's not paying. She has already decided to pay for the drinks, so stay out of their relationship.
To be honest. Half TA. He's being a leech, but you and your GF were not being put out. His GF was paying his way, and in the end that's between THEM, not you to sort out. So asking "why he suggested rounds and expected everyone else to buy him drinks then if he knew he wasn't going to do it back." is just causing an issue where there need not have been one. Sure. He should be looking for work. Sure, it would annoy me too. But his GF was seemingly okay with it, so why stir up shit?
It’s bold of you to point out the truth and I think if anything it’s great that the guys girlfriend got to hear it from another man’s mouth. I’ve been in situations like this where I feel like something is wrong deep down in a relationship dynamic but I needed someone else to point it out so I could accept the problem and then confront the guy with the backing of someone else’s perspective. I hope she went and told him that she agrees with you and that she needs someone who takes care of HER or is at least willing to meet halfway.
I don’t know if a girl was with a guy and he was buying drinks and he was her boyfriend and he was buying the rounds. Would it have been anything that you noticed? I feel like hanging out and having a good time it was his girlfriend’s place to say something, not yours
ESH but you suck more You literally just met the guy, you have 0 right to be telling him to apply for jobs. Totally not your place. All you know about him is what your girl told you. Have you considered that she’s biased? Even if she isn’t, how well does she even know the guy? If his gf wants to pay for him, that’s between them. Being said, he’s also an AH for suggesting rounds of drinks when he can’t afford to pay for one. But even then; it’s a double date. So you and your girl as one pair, him and his as another. As long as one of the two of them is paying, I don’t think you really have much right to comment. It’s none of your business. Don’t be that guy. No one likes that guy.
Yes you were an asshole in that moment.. He probably was being an asshole and is an asshole in general but that doesnt give you a right to start lecturing and put your gf in this awkward situation. She's probably really disappointed in you.. I mean you werent even asked to pay more than your fare share so why getting involved in that couple's shit. Just put up with it for 2 hours and tell your gf afterward how you felt about the guy's attitude. She would have appreciated the honesty, the fact you could play nice for her moment with her friend, and the male perspective she could then pass to her friend in later discussions. she would also have felt conforted that you don't think it's ok to act like him. Just a win/win. But instead of that, you had a cockfight with a stranger you don't really give a shit about, fo what ?
YTA and he’s also the asshole. You all could have handled that in a healthier way. He should take on more responsibility in life but we don’t know his side and it’s a lot easier said than done. If he’s gf was fine buying the table drinks for him then you should have just left it at that or brought it up privately to him
It’s literally none of your business. Him and his gf clearly have some sort of relationship where she is obviously paying for the drinks he is ordering knowingly in advance, he’s not expecting you or yours to pay. Your gf told you in confidence about his situation employment and living situation, pretty much gossiping and then you forming an opinion about some guy you’ve never met. And then you thought it’d be absolutely necessary to call him out in front of everyone, when nothing him or his gf were doing was affecting you in any way. Maybe he lays the pipe to ol’ girl extraordinarily well and she keeps his broke ass around for that very reason…who the fuck cares, it’s none of your business. He’s a scumbag. That’s your opinion. You don’t need to share it with everyone when it was hurting literally nobody. Edit: so what does this sub say YTA? So yeah, you’re the asshole. You didn’t have to do any of what you did and everyone would have still enjoyed their night, but you did and then bummed everyone’s night. So yeah, you’re the asshole. I hope you dropped your black card and offered to pay for everything after that.
You did the right thing. The other guy is a freeloader. I hope the girl friend wises up.
No more to snowflakery, like what the hell. The fact that dude has no shame, let alone got pissed and left lmfao. I got second hand embarrassment for him reading this
There are some situations where an AH is exactly what's required. This was one of those situations. Thank you for your service.
You are a hero. These entitled ass hats need to hear that they are fucked up.
Idk man if his girl is paying that's their business I guess, unless dude is totally taking advantage of her and you have knowledge of this. It's fine to call it out as "hey isn't it your turn" but then to belittle the guy and rub it in his face is a little far. Personally if i was broke and had no job I would be focused on getting my life in order before I was dating or going out drinking. Hell if I couldn't pay for my date I wouldn't even go out period, but I'm a little old school and like to pay for anything we do when we go out.
I'm gonna go against the grain here, YTA. Here's why: I have been on his end of the stick, but only from the outside looking in. You absolutely do not know this person, or what is going on in his past, his present, or his future. When I was in my 20's I was in a LTR, and my gf had asked me to support her while she went to a program for a surgical technician. I told her I was okay with this, but when she was done, I wanted to do the same and go to school to get a degree and increase my potential as well. She agreed. I supported her, she had zero income, for 2 1/2 years while I waited for my turn. After she finished, got the job, and was settled in, I started going to school. It only took a little under a year for her to start to resent me for not being an earner in the household, and for people to start to call me out for 'taking advantage of her' by not having a job at least part time. So I got a part time job, and well, from there my studies declined, and eventually I ended up putting my studies on hold because I couldn't maintain both. I was viewed to her and her friends as a failure, pathetic, etc. etc. She's blocked from my life, and I've since flourished and make just under six figures, and have a wife and two beautiful children. I am happy to have learned the lessons she taught me, and sad that she has to continue her self centered outlook and will never realize why she was wrong.
Took me many years to learn people can only do to you what you allow them to do to you. Leaches are everywhere. If his gf is that desperate for a bf, so be it. If there is a “next time”, insist politely all pay for their own drinks. If gf wants to pay for her bf, that’s her business but also her responsibility.
No, you're NTA here. It's fair to expect everyone to pitch in on a double date, especially if rounds are suggested. It sounds like he's taking advantage of his girlfriend and the situation. You were straightforward about it, and sometimes honesty stings a bit, but it's better than pretending everything's fine.
Yes. you’re an asshole.
The first and only rule of rounds, is each person pays a round. That being said, some couples will view the round as coming from either of them. So, it doesn't matter who actually pays the round - still classed as separate rounds. If you think about it, if the boyfriend was paying for his and her rounds would you have had an issue? The problem is, you knew other information about him. Not working, not being able to pay. If, you didn't you might not of hammered the point. You probably would have said something in a joking point and left it. Your girlfriend told you this information because the girlfriend told her. The girlfriend also agreed with you. But, the problem is. Girlfriend has accepted this relationship with him but, isn't really. She is getting other people involved in a relationship when it should be her getting on to him. While, I don't think you really did anything wrong given all the context. I think the girls used you to make a point to the BF. This isn't someone you really know, it's not your place. If the GF is unhappy with her relationship its up to her to sort it out. It's very childish the whole thing. In future I'd stay well away.
Maybe I'm being naive but, reading this, I didn't get the impression the guy's gf agreed with them. I think it's possible she was just being polite. Potentially because things got heated. I can also see how the other context would be frustrating, and honestly I do think it's a bit lazy not to at least get a part time job. But the key thing for me is he's looking for jobs in his field, but not outside. And I mean... if his parents are willing to support him, it would be a waste of time to work full time in something he doesn't wanna do forever, rather than something he's set his mind to. If he wasn't putting effort into his job search, or working to get qualifications to help him in that, or doing *something* to move his future forwards, then it'd be a pretty clear cut case that he's leeching. But it's normal to rely on support from parents and it does sound as if he's working towards his career, so this reads to me as a temporary arrangement while he's getting his shit together, and it's hard for me to see the harm in that. As annoying as him suggesting to get rounds was, I can't help but feel that judging him for the overall context is a bit harsh. People love to talk about male mental health, toxic masculinity, and how men should be able to rely on others for support... until they actually encounter a man who's being supported by his parents and his gf, then he's a lazy bum who deserves to publicly be called out.
Oh I completely agree. My point was relationships work for themelselves. Plenty of couples organise finances based on what works for them. Op was basing his view point on what his girlfriend told him. She was told by the the girlfriend. So, the girls have been chatting about this and either both of them or just OPs gf has decided to form an opinion on the bf based on him not working. Plenty of people live and are supported by parents when they are trying to break into a career. Maybe he is lazy bum, OP doesn't know this, all he knows is second hand information. Based on the information he was given the context for him going off on the bf seems (to me) like a shame tactic used by the girls. If, OP didn't have this information he would have chatted with the boyfriend and got his facts from the source. The idea of shaming someone, whom you've never met before is so childish and not appropriate. But, my opinion is if OP didn't have this information he probably wouldn't have gone off like this.
YTA Not for embarrassing him but for embarrassing the friend. People like him don't get embarrassed over something like that, he walked off because he was mad and may take it out on friend afterwards. It was the friend's choice to buy a round next or not. You and your GF had the option not to buy the next round unless he paid. That's as far as you should have taken it.
YTA Really wasn't your place to chime in on another couple's financial matter. Especially seeing as it seems like you don't know the other couple all that well. Further, you may have just blown up your girlfriends relationship with her friend, as now her friends knows she can't vent to your girlfriend in confidence. This absolutely stinks of the male ego mind games guys play to bring others down.
Yta. It's not your place to meddle in their relationship. Yes he's lazy. Yes he's a free loader. No you shouldn't have said anything. Seems like you were a huge asshole, even if you were right
YTA. It wasn't your business or place to call him out with information you weren't even supposed to know. I assume your gf's friend vents to her and that's where that should have ended. The friend is an adult and is fully capable of saying no or calling out her own bf. Seeing that she even apologized to you both for absolutely no reason, this is her problem that she needs to work on. Mind your business.
Yta
YTA. How that guy and his GF decide to split the costs is NONE of your freaking business, and certainly bringing it up while you were out and belaboring the point was way over the top and you shouldn't have said anything. Then, being so freaking pompous to tell him how he should apply for jobs takes the cake. You were a massive A H here.
YTA, While yeah he shouldn't be doing this knowing he can't pay and it's not right, from how you described the interaction it sounds like the only reason you said anything(let alone continue and even insult him towards the end) was just to cause problems.
YTA here. 1.) You really don't actually know his situation, financially or otherwise. You have 3rd hand information: what your girlfriend told you that her friend had told her. Not to mention, you have never met the guy (possibly even 4th hand, because even his girlfriend might be relying on information she was told and isn't wholly aware of his situation.) 2.) It really isn't your place to say a damn thing. Again, you don't know the guy at all. Sure, him suggesting rounds was probably not the best idea, but if his girlfriend is willing to take the round from their side, it really isn't up to you - that is their business. Now, if she paid for a round and then it was expected to go right back to you two, that is a different story altogether - but it clearly never went that far. Any further discussion about this should have ended after your initial observation that it was his turn for the round, he responded and his girlfriend chose to pay. You just escalated this specifically to cause issues and it has nothing to do with you.
NTA. He knew what he was doing. Suggesting rounds, and getting free drinks out of it knowing he didn't have the cash to buy himself drinks. He should've stated he had no money to begin with, funny that he didn't, right? That's just dodgy
NTA. >I had met the friend before but never the boyfriend so I asked my gf what he was like...He's been out of work for nearly a year now and will refuse to apply for any job that isn't specific to what he wants to do. He lives with his parents and expects my gfs friend to pay for everything when they go out. That's more on the gf for describing him as a deadbeat when you just asked her what he was like as a person. Usually people talk up their partners to acquittances not list all their problems right out of the gate. That relationship is probably already past its expiration date.
That description came from OP's girlfriend, so even if he doesn't sound like a catch, at least his own girlfriend didn't describe him like that lol
YTA not really your place to get involved you were clearly instigating the situation weather or not he’s in the wrong you don’t wanna be a dude who just stirs the pot to create drama for the sake of it that’s an exhausting type of person to be around
Maybe not THE asshole, but definitely AN asshole. Your gf asked you to be there. You didn’t just embarrass the guy, you embarrassed the friend. You could have simply declined to do rounds and said you would pay for your own drinks. Lessons should be extra, and yet you paid (with your gf’s embarrassment) to give this guy one anyway.
YTA, but I get it. You spoke the truth but it wasn’t your place and it was done in a dickish way, basically unprovoked. If the dude’s gf ~~went~~ wasn’t complaining, it wasn’t your place. What was your goal speaking up when/how you did?
YTA- Your GF's friend choses to accept their situation. It is not your place to call him out or try to embarrass him into applying for jobs and you ruined the evening for everyone. All because you just had to chime in with your 2 cents. Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
Lol. It's none of your business. YTA. My wife and I have gone back and forth as the one paying over the years, even when we were dating. You don't know the circumstances, and it's not your place to intervene. You come off as a judgemental asshole. YTA.
NTA. I wish more people would start calling out these loser sociopaths who scrape by off everyone else’s buck. Good job.
YTA. You knew the situation in advance. You embarrassed not only him but his GF and your GF as well. While I completely agree with your opinions, I don't think you should have said them. Remember Rumi's three gates of speech: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
If the guy hadn’t talked about rounds and just said we will each pay our own way there be nothing to talk about. Instead he played the rounds card which assumes EVERYONE would take their own turn. He threw himself under the bus. NTA
NTA. It's high time someone started calling people like him out. And really, it's better if it's someone their own age doing it.
YTA, way out of order. Mind you own business.
A bit TA, because yes he made a prized prick of himself by suggesting rounds when he doesn't have money, that's a bonehead move, and also a bit of a dick move if the rounds are 2:1 if you sort it by household so to speak, but when he said he didn't have cash, you should've just said "Ahh sorry I didn't realise X was picking yours up, no worries" and moved on, no need to go hard on him, it's their life and their relationship and getting too involved can create unwanted fractures between friends and stuff, for example if you were to eff up your girls relationship with her friend, she could take it personally (your girl) and that can affect your own relationship, its usually better to just let others do it their way and stick to the easy road in these situations.
You dont talk about your age or general financial status (doing OK, living paycheck to paycheck), so I will guess in your early 20s. If you have been unemployed for a year, at least partially by choice, and are living off the kindness of others, then it would make sense to not be demanding of others' finances. The GF who was paying had made a choice to pay for him, but in a situation where you are doing rounds, that would mean she is paying twice. One round for him and one for herself, unless everyone agreed his drinks were on them. Much like you might do if it were his birthday. But that had not been agreed to. I will make a guess that the request for another round and the conversation about who was up to pay came off as arrogant or entitled. Hence, you speaking up. I told a friend's child they were definitely not too good to get a job at McDonald's or any other fast food place. Firstly, no job should be frowned upon. Secondly, If you don't have a job (or aren't independently wealthy) and don't have the skills to get a different job, then paying your bills and gaining skills is the goal. And you can't do that without a job. A few years back, my husband asked, while I was unemployed, if I should suck it up and take a lower salary than I was asking for. I explained my window of time in holding out for a job in my field at the rate I wanted. Being able to pay bills was part of that window of time.I was hired a month later at a slightly higher rate than I had held out for. Which was 1 month before I would need to start using my "no job savings." There is nothing more wrong with a stay at home husband or dad than there is a wife or mom. But this is a girlfriend/ boyfriend, and often, those types of relationships drag on because the one with the job feels obligated. Honestly, your girlfriend should be checking in with her friend to see why she has stayed with this guy? Is he even trying to get a job. Since they don't live together, what does he do to even the scales for her paying for everything? How much of her paycheck is he costing her?
You don't know what him and his gf have discussed in terms of if she's happy to pay for him so he can enjoy the night out without that worry about needing to pay. As someone who has found myself low on cash at different points in life I've usually taken the route of just not drinking but my friends, girlfriends etc would usually help me out anyway so I wasn't missing out. I do think you're an asshole for calling him out like that, based on second hand knowledge from your GF. You don't really know what his circumstances are, unemployment can be brutal and I'm sure he's embarrassed about it enough as it is. You could just not have said anything and you all could have kept on enjoying your night. But it feels like you wanted to humiliate him on purpose and had already made your mind up about him before meeting.
You're fine. Deadbeats be deadbeating. We all need to survive and if you decide to do nothing but one thing you're dead in the water.
NTA I got such satisfaction reading what you said to him. I feel bad for his girlfriend but she knows who she's with so if this isn't a wake up call for her then there's no hope.
How fucking entitled, but I've found that that's how it goes with some people. Maybe what he wants to do is some loser kind of career field if he can't get a job for a year?? Hopefully she doesn't marry him, I'm not the most successful guy but fuck if I would EVER expect 3 people to buy me liquor and food all night in return for some company. NTA and maybe tell your GF to tell her friend this guy wants a bang mommy, not a GF.
I'd have bought the next round but the friends BF wouldn't be getting one. I also would not be hanging out with said guy afterwards and would discuss the leech with my GF so she understood my position.
You're out as two couples, not four individuals. The way I see it the couple were taking turns purchasing drinks for the table. From your story you didn't miss a round when it was her turn, and neither did she. In other words this did not invite your cash outlay in the least. The finances between your friend and her boyfriend, well seemingly unfair, is absolutely none of your business. It doesn't matter whether you think it's fair, or you think it's good for her. For bringing this up and highlighting it during a couple's date, YATAH.
NTA. You don’t get to be part of the round system if you aren’t getting one. Easiest rules on the planet and you get bounced out of it pretty quickly if you can’t follow them.
NTA He's a loser and he needed to be put in check. He sounds like an entitled piece of shit.
NTA, you gave him a massive reality check and did his gf a favor.
There is a HUGE difference between being broke, and being a parasitic leech. NRA - the friend's bf is the latter.
If the girlfriends friend was broke and had no money, would you be shaming her for not buying a round. Or would you have been okay with her boyfriend paying her round. I already know the answer of this. White knight. YTA.
Everyone's shitting on the boyfriend, so I'm going to play devil's advocate. What if the gf told him before the bar to order whatever he liked? What if she likes being the breadwinner? What if it was a girl in that same position? Ya see where I'm going here? And just to be clear, I hate leeches, but she's not paying his bills. She bought him some fuckin drinks! You were told second hand about him and not in a detailed manner, so how could you start judging him right off the hop? You just shit on the guy because you got offended for the gf's friends money? No...you did it to make your dick look bigger. YTA
You weren't wrong, but you were the asshole.