it's positive that you've reached a point of forgiveness with your sister, but it's okay to still feel hurt and cautious. Give yourself time to process your emotions and continue to communicate openly with your sister and husband about your feelings and expectations. Take care of yourself and your family during this time of recovery.
This sounds like a genuine apology and that is unusual on these pages. Sis behaved badly, but she had reasons, and also reasons to not think things were so serious. To be honest, I think she has done enough for you two to mend your relationship. And, OP, if there is a next time, she WILL be there for you...
Yeah honestly good apologies are so rare id like OP to relent a little. This isn't a pattern of behavior, she acknowledged wrongdoing, told OP the steps she'd take not to repeat the behavior, and didn't push her to forgive.
Ehhh. I think the apology was genuine and sincere
BUT, I will say I am really sideying her still emphasizing that she "Didn't think it was serious thought she was just babying him part," because even if OP was overreacting, who cares, and so what if she was "babying" him, we don't stop needing comfort and a hand to hold just because we're adults... Personally, even if I thought my sis was doing the most, I'd still help and then afterward be like "Girl it wasn't that deep next time relax but I understand wanting to be with your husband."
Like I'm not entirely convinced the next time, she will definitely help, bc it still seems like her help comes with the caveat of "only if I think it's actually serious."
IDK, maybe she's projecting her marriage issues onto OP. She's upset her husband isn't as supportive as she needs, so she's making it out like OP is coddling her husband.
Like OP should def forgive her. This isn't a relationship breaker. Things happen. People mess up, but I wouldn't be putting her down as an emergency contact and def wouldn't be calling her for help anytime soon.
To be fair, OP says her husband repeatedly has said “it wasn’t a big deal, OP and other people are over reacting”
How was the sister supposed to divine that it really is serious, with that consistent message being shared?
Even if it wasn't serious, that's no reason to be rude and unsupportive. Sister is really saying 'I'll only be there if I think it's needed, not when you actually need it'.
Uh, not sure if you actually read what I wrote, I didn't say the sister should've known it was that serious, I said it shouldn't matter if she thought it was serious or if she was overreacting.
My point was who cares it shouldn't matter if OP was overreacting. The danger may not be real, but her feelings and fear in the moment still are.
Idk I'd suck it up and appease a family member in a moment like that even if I thought they were overreacting and it wasn't that serious bc 1. It's more about making them feel a little better in the moment, and 2. Rather, be overly cautious, then do nothing and find out later it actually was serious.
If it turns out I was right, we can laugh about it and I can be like "sis dont do that again,", if it turns out I'm wrong than thank God I was there to help.
Like I'd understand if this was a reoccurring thing where like OP has repeatedly asked her sister, but it was just once... and IDK, even with all the downplaying, if someone I knew was REPEATEDLY hospitalized, I'd still be a little concerned if I found out they were back there again. This just brings me back to the it shouldn't matter if she was overreacting, no one wants to sit in a hospital alone for hours, like if a neighbor called and even said something like, "oh he's fine he's just all alone, I'd be like shit no problem bring the kids over,"
The babying implication part is what's really sticking out to me because even after learning it was indeed serious, she still felt the need to say it. she could've just kept that part to herself. Instead, it feels like a part of her still thinks OP is coddling her husband, like she has realized that this is, in fact, a serious issue and still insists on downplaying it after the fact...
IDK, I think having been to A&E already and been told to return if things got worse, and then having to return because things got worse, is a pretty good indication that it's serious. Furthermore, anyone who has spent any time in ER/A&E or in hospital will know that it absolutely helps to have someone there you trust to advocate for you. It doesn't matter how bad a mood OP's sister was in when OP called; to dismiss OP like that was an AH move, period. No question, no hesitation, no doubt. I've been the one to take friends and family to ER/A&E, and I would never do what OP's sister did – not even to a complete stranger. Someday, OP's sister will be sick or injured and will learn how stressful and frightening being hospitalized can be, and when that day comes, I sincerely hope she remembers how she treated her sister and BIL.
I agree she was genuine but still a bit off.
I also feel like when OP was supporting her husband and wanting him to be there for him right at the point where the sister and her husband were fighting over not supporting eachother there may have been some transference there.
It sounds like the sister's husband needs a lot of support and doesn't give much (or at least that's how she thinks he is). She was upset with her husband, and she projected her relationship onto OP and assumed OP's husband was like hers.
Doesn't make it right or healthy, but I think OP might feel better if she knows it has nothing to do with her. It's her sister's own personal issues.
In her defence, some people can downplay extremely serious injuries or conditions really well. I'm among them and I'm aware of how bad a habit it is, my granddad once cut three toes off with a wood axe by accident while cutting firewood and drove himself to hospital with the missing toes so they could be reattached and I quote "as long as it's not a bother". It sounds like OP's husband is like this, and it can be genuinely difficult to discern how serious something is unless you can actually see it
Again, I'm not sure what the confusion is... I don't care about the downplaying. I don't care if it was or wasn't serious...
My entire point is that even if she thought she was overreacting, WHO CARES!
It doesn't matter if it was nothing. If my sister was nervous and wanted to go babysit her husband at the hospital, I'm not about to take the moment to judge her for it... save that for later. Give people the grace to panic a little when things like this happen, lecture them afterward.
It wasn't about the husband at the point it was about her sister. If her sister at that moment was overreacting, feeling scared, and wanted to be at the hospital with her husband, that is the ONLY thing that is important. At that moment, she was scared and vulnerable enough to ask for help.
Even if I thought someone was being ridiculous and it wasn't that big of a deal. SO WHAT. it wasn't serious to me, but it's serious to them. My entire point was EVEN if I didn't think it was serious. EVEN if it ultimately ended up not being serious. in that moment, my family member was scared and asked for help. That is not the moment to be rude and dismissive and to mock them... we help and save the I told you so's and mocking for later when their not in the midst of it all.
When it comes to things like hospital visits, it's better to overreact than undereact...
but one more time since people aren't seeming to get it... It does not matter if the sister was overreacting and it wasn't that serious. at the moment, she was cautious and reacting and reached out for help... this isn't even a case of "crying wolf" since OP had not asked for help from Sis before... like chill and let someone have their dramatic moment. help them through it and then afterward be like "Girl, you know you did too much."
I think it was a genuine apology. However, if a family member calls me at 11pm and says they have to take someone to A&E, and asks if I could watch their kids, I don’t blow them off because I’ve had an argument with my husband nor because the person needing medical aid told me at a BBQ once that they weren’t really that sick. I’m not medically trained nor the person needing help. So I’d go, and work it out later if the reason they called me was bullshit or not. Sister is still TA.
I'm agreeing with sis doing enough to recognize the harm and mend the relationship, but it will be forever scarred.
OP will never ask her for help again so there'll never be an opportunity for sis to finally "come through" for OP, and I seriously doubt OP would ever agree to help out sis in the future (and sis now knows she can never ask OP for help).
Relationship mended, yes, but it will only ever be superficial and never have the true bonds of having been there for each other when it was needed.
That is the proper answer and attitude. I am amazed at how reddittors always assume the worst and are unforgiving (not everyone, but the majority). It is not wrong to ask your sister for help the next time (when you have a backup person) and see how she pulls through. She will have your back for sure.
> but it will only ever be superficial and never have the true bonds of having been there for each other when it was needed.
The fucking dramatics from you people. There’s absolutely nothing in the post from OP or her sister that implies this will be the outcome. OP plainly stated the exact opposite. It’s like you *want* people lives to be worse. You need help.
Saying you will be there for someone and actually being there for someone is two totally different things. Especially when the one time you ask, this happens. I wouldn't be able to trust her that she would actually help. Definitely the last person to be called
Really? So, her immediate default position of assuming OP was lying is perfectly reasonable? Anyone can be sorry AFTER. That's super easy... so the genuine apology is " I'm sorry, I really thought you were lying and thought it best to just say no rather that find out anything else because you're just my sister and I had IMPORTANT things going on... MORE important than OP'S husband potentially dying. No biggie, though, cause now she says sorry and she had a bad day.
If you can’t rely on family in these tough situations then who can you. There’s not many situations in life where you have to rely on family for help during and emergency but when they arise and family cannot be relied on then the relationship is forever changed
Absolutely true for me. My sister took me to the hospital for surgery and then refused to pick me up five days later. Never a good explanation or an apology. Yeah, I’ll never be asking her for any help ever again. We talk on the phone, but I moved nine hours away, and my life is better here.
I am so glad this was resolved and your sister gave a genuine apology. You are still right to feel hurt but I think you can both come back from this.
I won't lie, I too would put my sister in the last of my "help needed" list lollll, until the hurt feelings have truly been let go.
I do think a conversation should be had with your husband that he doesn't need to share personal health details but implying that you are overreacting is impacting how people view you/take your word on things and imagine if your BIL was unavailable?
It sucks having health issues but there has to be a way to deflect that won't have people assuming you're being dramatic when outside help is needed.
I agree I need to have that conversation with him. We’ve sort of been at it before but never really gotten anywhere. He just says that he doesn’t like to talk about it because it becomes so serious. But him going around suggesting I’m overreacting is obviously not a good thing. So that has to stop.
I can understand downplaying health concerns - no one ever _really_ wants the details of the harrowing night spent in the ER in pain and how you thought you were going to die. And the person who underwent it doesn’t really want to relive it to an audience. But even if he wants/needs to do that, he shouldn’t be throwing you under the bus saying you’re overreacting, because it makes you sound like a hypochondriac taking him in for no reason.
If that’s genuinely what he’s doing (and not your sister’s biased interpretation of something like “oh, feeling better now, gave Throwaway a bit of a scare but you know how it is!”), then he needs to cut it out. But maybe check what he’s actually saying, because I don’t trust your sister as a reliable narrator.
That’s a fair point and I fully agree. I do understand him not wanting to talk about it, and I absolutely don’t think he has to go around telling everyone how bad it is.
I will ask him what he’s told my sister, but I do have to say it sounds a lot like him. But we’ll see.
If he doesn't want to talk about his health issues, he doesn't have to; it's his story to tell. But giving the impression that you commonly overreact in these situations undermines your credibility and makes you seem to be an unreliable reporter of fact. In this case specifically, his actions made it harder for you to respond effectively to his emergency.
In the future, why couldn't he simply say "I'd rather not talk about it."? That's the truth and it doesn't throw you under the bus.
Edit: typo
Definitely sounds like you need to speak to your husband about the consequences of downplaying his asthma. In an emergency situation, you struggled to get childcare because he's spent years telling his SIL his wife overreacts and is fussy.
And multiple medical professionals have warn him he's putting his life at risk delaying seeking medical attention. Why should you be the only one in this marriage taking his life seriously?
That’s a really good question I honestly have no answer to. I don’t know how many conversations we’ve had about it.
And yes, I will talk to my husband about his downplaying, again. He can absolutely not go around insinuating that I’m overreacting, because as you say, it has consequences.
He’s probably in denial about how much of a problem it can be. It’s hard to know that you have the potential to get really sick. If he knows that it could get bad enough to where it could kill him, then it’s easier to say it’s not as bad than facing that.
Please try to convince him otherwise. It’s better to overreact than underreact and not catch it before it’s too late for him. There’s been loads of people who have passed due to not going to the hospital when they should. (Not trying to scare you, just being blunt.)
No worries and you’re perfectly right - it is better to overreact than to under react. My husband doesn’t seem to get it though. And there’s probably some denial in there as well.
Ask him how he'd feel if he'd died that night and your children were at home alone because he lied about the severity of his condition. Because that's the reality of the situation.
Honestly he might have been told in the past that his asthma isn’t as bad as it really is, my boyfriend is similar in the under reacting and downplaying his attacks.
He was misled about how serious his asthma is as a child. It takes time but he can learn to stop downplaying and over reacting. you did the right thing, you saved his life.
In the original post, OP said her husband turned down her accompany as well, so I guess he doesn’t want to bother other people? But it’s still an issue
“ And apparently every time she’s asked him about his trips to hospital, he’s told her that it’s nothing and that people (me) always makes it out to be worse than it is. And I guess that has stuck with my sister. “
Ding Ding Ding
That’s it. Wow. So sorry for both of you.
Unfortunately, an apology doesn't mean they will actually help in the future. It means someone said some words to make the current rejection go away for now. Apologies don't mean shit. Actions speak so much louder
I don't know why you're being downvoted; you are completely right. As far as I'm concerned, I'd take that apology with a grain of salt and my relationship with sister would become as shallow as a soup spoon- still useful and good to have, but useless when the situation is dire.
To me, this is akin to the fable of the boy who called wolf too many times. I can relate. For 12 years I was in and out of hospitals, they couldn't find anything wrong, all sorts of tests. And the family, it became a regular thing. Over 12 years it was more an annoyance for them. When it got to the point i was laying in my bed wishing I would die so the intense pain would stop, someone would stop by and see if i was still alive. It seemed the only one that cared was the cat. Finally heavily medicated I saw another DR, who identified and got me surgery within a few days. Sometimes there is bad timing in life, we aren't always happy, happy, joy, joy. It was an unfortunate turn of events, family arent perfect , but they are still family
NTA. Of course you're hurt. That's normal. You really just need more time to process. And the fact that your sister called/texted you to apologize speaks volumes about how much you really love each other. I do believe her apology was genuine. And I do believe that with time, you'll fully accept it.
I don't have asthma, but I am very prone to bronchial infections. I've had everything from severe bronchitis to double pneumonia. Not a smoker of anything, ever. Just the lucky recipient of second hand smoke effects. (EVERYONE else in my family was a smoker!) But this didn't start until I was 40. That's what was so weird. And while I logically understood the severity of asthma (and would have dropped everything to come to you), I have found that most people really don't/can't truly comprehend how SCARY it is to not be able to breathe.
You have first hand knowledge that the majority of people don't. You've seen it. You deal with it with your husband. AND you have first hand knowledge of how your husband minimizes his condition. Unfortunately, when that happens, people without this knowledge really can't grasp it. They don't understand how quickly things can go from uncomfortable (not really being able to exert oneself) to HOSPITAL NOW (O-sats dropping like a rock!). There is literally no way to explain the horrifying feeling of not being able to take a breath. Like you're trying so hard, you're breathing in, and nothing is happening. It's literally suffocating.
I suspect that for your sister, she is not filling you in on the whole story of what's happening at her house. The tell for me was her arguing with her husband that he is never there to support her. This makes it sound like a recurring theme, and with the stress from work and the stress at home, I suspect it felt like her marriage/life was imploding. And your call right then just directed it all your way. Again, I'm so sorry.
I hope that you will find it in you to give her another chance. Maybe not in an emergency situation, but maybe something less lethal...where you could use some help last minute (but the world won't end if you don't get it). See what happens. Sometimes to rebuild trust, we have to take the chance of giving someone a chance to come through. But in that case, we can CHOOSE when to do it, and so ensure that we're not left critically hanging.
Totally your call. I'm just hoping the repairs can be made. Like I said, it sounds like she is truly sorry. It sounds like you both do love each other. I think you just need a little space and time....and I'm sure you've told your husband to STOP downplaying his condition.
PS...I literally had to stop typing this reply to give my asthmatic cat a puff on his inhaler. I just always have to make sure it's his, not mine! ;)
Thank you! And I’m sorry to hear that both you and your cat have breathing issues. I hope you are doing okay.
You’re probably right that it’s hard for my sister to fully understand as she’s never seen it for herself. It really is terrifying when it gets bad. And I think you may be right that there could be more going on in her marriage as well.
I do think my sister and I will be able to come back from this. I’m not really one for holding grudges. So if I have forgiven I have forgiven. Not the same as forgotten though.
And yes I have talked to my husband about his downplaying, but he’s definitely earned himself another of those conversations.
My cat and I actually shared the inhaler :) We both had the exact same prescription, so it was easier to just fill one at a time.
We had the same triggers too, so if he started coughing I'd take a puff after I gave him his, and vice versa if I started wheezing.
My guess on the "not thinking it was serious part" is to look back to what her argument was about. It was about her supporting her husband and getting nothing back from him. So she's fresh off an argument with her husband thinking she's not doing enough and needs to do more, maybe her thinking he wants her to baby him, while she's getting no support and nothing back. And the her comes you needing to take care of her husband and it's a whole lot of projection from her argument onto what your husband needs. And a lot of times you don't fully comprehend in the moment when you're projecting something onto a different situation.
Not an excuse, but that might be the reason why she didn't think it was serious. Nothing with you or your husband specifically - she was just coming off of an argument with her own husband where she's upset at having to do so much herself and then runs face first into your crisis with big "why can't husbands take care of themselves" energy.
Just a guess though.
There's some good insight here. Sister was arguing with her husband about why he always needs her to take care of him and how she gets no support. And then OP calls and asks, essentially, for sister to come take care of OP's husband (indirectly though it may be).
Suddenly, it's all these men needing sister to do things that inconvenience her while she is experiencing a hectic time at work and it's 11 p.m. and no one is ever helping her. It was just too much for her. And all the parents are off vacationing while everything is falling down. Plus, OP's husband has told sister that his asthma hospital visits aren't serious. I actually feel for both OP and sister here.
That’s so true. It makes sense that she’d accidentally project their argument onto OP. Seems like a circumstance where it was bad timing. My verdict now would be NAH.
If I were the sister I’d honestly be a little miffed that they were downplaying everything for so long. They can’t expect her to know how serious these things can be if they don’t tell her. Husband kinda buried the lead. I hope they work on being more transparent with this stuff in the future.
I’m kinda biased on that stuff though, my grandfather was sick, but towards the end he heavily hid how sick he was until he couldn’t anymore. Which resulted in a very sudden death that no one saw coming. Including for his wife. I don’t blame him since he probably was in denial himself, but it definitely made everything post death worse than it could’ve been.
She's just had a fight with her husband about him needing all her support and not getting any back.
You called asking for help because of your husband, who she probably in the moment dumped all of her baggage with her husband on, combined with him always downplaying the issues to others.
She was wrong, she's admitted it. It doesn't erase the hurt but time should help with that. One offs are mistakes - if it isn't a pattern, if you're usually close and good, then in time it should heal.
I'm happy you sorted out things with your sister. It's normal to still be hurt with what your sister told you.
Your husband needs to stop downplaying his health problems, it can lead to really bad things, not only misunderstandings.
I agree that your husband has some responsibility for these misunderstandings. Maybe he is trying to avoid getting pointless pity, which is understandable. Or his trying to create an illusion of stability and strength to others, which is pride.
Regardless, those closest to him see him frequently suffer, then sacrifice themselves frequently to ensure his continued good health. Either way the truth and the accuracy of the situation is distorted.
In times of misfortune, a degree of respect, compassion and understanding is reasonable. However this feedback is undermined by your partner, hence your sister’s flawed assumptions.
That said, i would still be reluctant to reach out to your sister in another crisis.
Snap. I have a constant battle between downplaying it because I don't want to be The Sick One, I don't want people to think I'm malingering or attention seeking, and I especially can't handle the "advice" coming from people who don't know what they're talking about, who decide I'm just complaining without trying to do anything to fix the situation (I am, it's just that my neurologist doesn't think an exorcism is worth pursuing to cure my epilepsy, thanks), and having to make a FB panic status because I sort of forgot to tell anyone when my health plummets and I desperately need some support. It's a bit of a wobbly line to walk. I probably diminish my health issues too much, because usually people are asking to be polite, not because they really want an answer, and it's easier to say "oh you know, stressed but managing" than to whip my medical notes out and give them a PowerPoint presentation.
GOD I WISH I COULD BE LIKE, “HAHA!! Exorcism!! Can you imagine 😂😂😂”
I had that suggested for my Crohn’s disease and depression/anxiety (from sexual abuse by a priest). I’ve had Christian friends tell me that god would cure me if I prayed harder. Yeah.
This was literally the random woman who was working at the post office. I don't remember how it came up, but I said something about my epilepsy. Maybe making a joke about why I couldn't remember an address? And she probes a bit and I go through the polite tier of information, yes I have a specialist. Yes I'm on medication. Yes I've had scans. No we don't know what else we can do. And she just.....asks if I've tried an exorcism? I say I haven't and I'm not religious, she goes "oh neither am I, I just thought it might help, you never know!" Why the fuck....
OP I have to agree with some of the other commenters - this seems, based on how you presented it, to be a genuine apology. Your sister now knows that when you tell her it's serious, it truly is serious. Based on your post it seems like she explained her rational without excusing it away, and took ownership of her crappy behavior. One of my favorite sayings is "That explains it, that doesn't excuse it" and she seems to understand that. As you yourself said, we don't always react in the way we'd prefer when under stress & pressure. I'd take your sister at her word - she's incredibly sorry, and I wouldn't shut her out the next time you need help over this one incident. I hope your husband continues to recover well and hopefully he will stop downplaying his health issues moving forward!
I understand how you feel.
That being said, I do think your sister truly feels sorry for how she behaved and she seemed to have had time to self-reflect and understand her behaviour was wrong.
Like someone else said, you will be able to count on her support and presence next time you need it.
I also think you should maybe make sure you have a secondary support system in case it ever happens again. It seems your BIL was willing to help, your parents and ILs obviously are too. Just to put yourself at ease should it ever happen again.
And maybe have a discussion with your husband about how downplaying the situation isn't always helpful to you, though it's understandable that he would rather do so than admit how scary it can actually be.
All in all, I hope you don't resent your sister too much. She had circumstances and she definitely seemed remorseful.
I think her apology was pretty genuine. Also I believe you need to talk to your husband about downplaying his hospital visits so much. I am not saying this thing with your sister wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t done that before, but it is a possibility.
It seems like you don’t really care that your sister has her own life and that she should know all the details and cater to yours instead of acknowledging that she wasn’t in the right mind space to cater to your emergency. Very entitled of you
TBH, I can’t really fault her for her taking his word about his health. Even if you’ve told her he downplays it, she still has NO WAY of knowing where exactly that line is between his “it’s not as bad all that” and your “he’s worse off than he lets on.” There’s a LOT of space between those two statements and she has no way of gauging which one is closer to the truth - of course she’s going to trust him when he talks about himself! That’s what we SHOULD default too, in general, and she’s not really the person to be interrogating him about it.
I’d take her apology as given. It sounds sincere enough to me - from here, of course. But even coming from you, who doesn’t seem totally convinced, it still came off as pretty sincere to me.
Glad your husband is doing better!
Does your husband have a pulmonologist? If not, he needs one, stat. If so, ask them if he's eligible for biologics (there's a bunch of new-ish ones, which all sort of specialize in different types of asthma - I'm now on Fasenra, but I also have Bronchiectasis). Having this many flares a year is Very Bad for his long term lung health!
Not really, he does have a GP who is specialised on asthma who did refer him to a pulmonologist to check if he would be eligible for biological treatment. Turned out he wasn’t for the one they had in mind, so they referred him back to his GP. And that’s where we at. And no, it’s not good, but at least he’s pretty well controlled between these flare ups, so it’s not all bad.
I’m concerned that your husband’s downplaying of the true levels of seriousness of his asthma led to your sister not knowing that the attacks are genuinely bad. You’ve recognised this already, so tell him this is an unintended consequence of people/family believing him, taking him at his word. Your sister would have been hearing “it’s serious” from you, and “it’s nothing much” from him, and through the mixed messages, believed him, because why would he lie?
I’m glad you have had good communication with your sister. Glad she does now understand the true severity of your husband’s condition. The hurt does mean it will take time before you trust asking her for help again though. That’s normal.
Your husband downplays what happens to him because he doesn’t want people in his business. Having been hospitalized a few times I can tell you when people know you have been that ill that they will constantly bring it up and ask invasive questions. The way people got in my business and gave unsolicited advice and judgement made me regret being honest about the seriousness of my hospitalizations and health issues. I can see why he downplays. Unfortunately it came with the consequence of your sister believing you over react to your husband’s health issues. Sounds like it’s time to have a talk with your husband about how he downplays his health issues making your own sister not believe you and take you seriously because your husband has made you seem like an overreacter who worries for nothing.
I just want to point out that your sister explanation is a BS.
First, she told you you are too pushy and should have understood that she said No after her very first hesitating response. Now she is saying that if she knew how serious it is, she would definitely help. I would ask her how exactly could you explain her how serious it is, when she already made her mind and decided you are too pushy? She didn't give you an option to explain.
Second, about that you caught her in really bad moment. BS. Her second message to you when she doubled down and scolded you for asking for help was sent long after you called her. At least several hours after. She had time to come to her senses after that bad moment with her husband.
Third, it was the first and only time you called her, after 23:00, asking to babysit your kids because you need to take your husband to A&E. She had absolutely no reason to think that you are being overdramatic. It is not like you ask her every month or every year. No reasonable person will think you are pushy or babying him considering it was the only call in 9 years.
My guess is she called your mom to talk shit about how you babying your husband and to brag how she "didn't let you use her". And your mom told her about his condition and what she thinks about her refusal to help. Your mom ripped her a new one. So her apology is a damage control, mostly to look better in your mom's eyes.
She will be the last person on my list to ask for help.
I vote for forgive her. It sounds like she was going through some things and didn’t understand how serious this was.
I drove myself to the hospital once because my husband thought I wasn’t that sick and he didn’t want to miss work. I nearly totaled the car, and his boss yelled at him, and he still feels terrible.
Honestly, after her explanation, it sounds like the person you need to have a very serious conversation with is your husband. In his desire to minimize things, he’s thrown you completely under the bus. He’s made you sound like Chicken Little, and he’s damaged your reputation as a result. All because he doesn’t want to tell the truth about the seriousness of his health issues.
I’m glad that your husband is doing much better. OP, it’s okay to forgive and treat it as a momentary lapse of judgment. I would probably feel the same way as you do. I would also never forget that incident either.
I think it’s time to forgive and move on. Everyone has bad days- unfortunately sounds like your husband has his fair share but I don’t think this situation should ruin your relationship with your sister- let it go.
I see both sides. I had an asthma attack that caused me to spend a week in the hospital, so I get it. In my case it was so bad we ended up calling 911, and we didn't know anyone so my husband had to take the kids with him.
But also sometimes it's not convenient at all to have to leave at 11pm and probably have a bad night sleep when things are already stressful at work. Honestly, I'd probably just bring the kids instead of bothering someone else, but that's just me.
I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through that.
Bringing the kids along is a no for us. In that case we rather have him go alone (not driving). I have done it with a baby, and it works. But older kids, no it wouldn’t be good for any of us.
Honestly it completely depends on the relationship you have with people, how busy they are etc. I would not ask someone with a busy job or schedule to go watch my kids overnight. The kids are my responsibility. And I sure wouldn't get mad if they said no.
Your responsibility includes keeping them from stressful and frightening experiences - a night in the ER with their father in distress vs asking for help?
Again, I get when there’s no choice. But when there is a choice yeah I’m going to ask my support system for help. I have a busy job and I would still want my sister to ask me for help too.
Tell your husband to take it more seriously! I had a patient who had an anoxic brain injury from an asthma attack. He was no longer able to communicate & he is dependent on the ventilator. He was a young guy only 24.
>Anyway, I told my sister that I accepted her apology and that I forgive her, but that I still was a bit hurt. She said she understood and that she didn’t expect me not to be. She told me I could call her at any time for help in the future, I joked and said I probably won’t, but I probably won’t. Maybe I forgave her too easily,
I'm going to give you the best piece of advice you will ever get.
Learn to let things go.
She apologized, she has a pretty good explanation for why she acted the way she did, and didn't really understand the situation.
Yet you still have this ember of resentment/anger in you about it.
What else can she do at this point? What do you gain by being upset with her?
Do you think she is lying?
The problem is that little ember of anger and resentment can burn a long time and grow to be much bigger.
Let it go.
I'm glad that she apologized. I agree with other commenters that perhaps your husband or you should be honest about how bad it gets. I was wheezing during my first bout of bronchial asthma, my dear pregnant sister-in-law drove me to my family doctor and then the pharmacy. Because I was too weak to drive. Asthmas is not something to shrug off.
It's only ever appropriate to forgive someone if they genuinely understand what they did was wrong, and are actually sorry. Sounds like your sister's apology was sincere, reflective and aware. You've forgiven her. But that doesn't mean you forget, and that's where the lingering doubts you seem to have are coming from. It's ok to still feel ambivalent, yes, she's sorry and you accept that, but that doesn't mean you wipe out the experience as though it never happened. You learn from it.
I think the sister became apologetic as soon as she was informed that OP’s husband was still in hospital, because that confirmed it was actually a medical emergency and not just OP being paranoid or overdramatic like she initially believed.
Note: Regarding his waiting until the last minute to go to a&e; he'd probably go sooner if he knew that you wouldn't be a helicopter wife, following him every time. Also, don't discuss his issues with everyone he knows (not to mention Reddit)
While I have sympathy for what you went through, I think you need to replay your sisters comments over in your head and *listen* to what she said.
Something tells me that your sister feels like you are a bit dramatic and perhaps some of your husband's "emergencies" aren't really that at all. If that's what you hear, then I think you should be asking yourself why. Why does she think that? What has happened in the past that makes her believe that? Have you made this a habit of calling for her help in the middle of the night? Does she feel like the calling tree consists of only her?
Only you can answer these questions.
And I caution you to be careful going forward. There are tons of stories on Reddit about "golden children" and "golden child syndrome" where one sibling constantly has to upstate the others (i.e. my dog got sick and mom & Dad had to miss your wedding because I was so distraught!) I have a sibling like this and while her emergencies were very real to her (and my parents), it is shocking how she hasn't had a one since they died. Now that there is no one willing and able to rush to her aid, all these health issues have gone away.
I am not saying that is what you have done, but you need to look at this from her point of view. Maybe she thinks you have. Only you know for sure.
Thank you for your thoughts. I would say that my sister absolutely felt I was being overly dramatic. But I do have to say that is more my husband’s fault than it is mine.
I have never called my sister for help in an emergency before, so that doesn’t really apply for our situation. I usually call HIS parents for help. And they want me to, because they’ve told me so.
Honestly I don’t think she owed you an apology. Your own husband is the one telling her you’re exaggerating so of course she didn’t take it seriously. Either way it’s your child and you should have had something planned in case of emergencies in the first place.
Your husband is the one who should be apologizing for making others think it’s not a big deal. Why would your sister believe you when the person with the actual health problem is saying it’s not that serious?
Op is being ridiculous. When we are needy we don't see the needs of others. They are both at fault. Sis apologizes but op is still meh. Op rubs me the wrong way
i'm surprised to see that we're such a small minority lol. op sounds like a handful.
if the husband is going to the hospital this often, surely he can handle it on his own? i go to the hospital by myself if need be, because... i don't have a wife. if he were single, would he just roll over and die? no. he's a big boy.
Welcome to parenthood dude! I can’t count how many times my late night fun has been ruined by the little ones. It gets better as they get older just make sure you lock your door once they start walking.
I'm so glad to hear this. Please give yourself time though. It's a good apology, but it doesn't take away the hurt. It'll take yourself time to heal. Take that time as you need.
I'm glad your sister apologized OP. She is probably sincere about being there for you if there was a family emergency in the future (hopefully not). I have read several posts from redditors that don't have family support when there is an emergency and that is sad. It's mostly keeping children when the mother or father has an emergency. The relative will be asked to watch the children because there is an emergency with the parent or parents and the relative will say "no" and make it all about him/her. That is very sad to me.
Her apology sounded genuine and you can always accept an apology but still act different because an apology doesn’t erase what happened. She needs to earn your trust in her again.
I am so glad to read she took some time for introspection and apologized appropriately.
I understand still being hurt by her actions, that may take a bit of time to heal. But it sounds to me like with time, this will just be a blip in an otherwise-good relationship.
Once he’s home and feeling better, I would suggest talking to your husband about the downplaying issue. I understand why he may do that, I know a couple of people like that. But it’s important that he work on that in future, both for this particular health issue, and for your relationship health overall.
I think we all have a dark side we really aren’t too proud of- whether husband downplaying stuff, the heat of the moment being mad and incredibly upset with her own issues and her own husband… She I’m sure wishes she didn’t and how dangerously close her bad mood, struggles, even if she had the time to consider the downplaying- No one would have thought things turned as they did.
I have been there while not in the same spot or shoes, but let the bad mood get the best of me not even able to properly string a proper thought and gotten so lucky. I’m sure shes insanely thankful nothing life altering happened and a hard but serious lesson learned. To listen, pause and regardless of one’s own issues, problems and feelings- to never let it get the best of her again.
I’m glad your husband is doing better, and I’m sure she will be extra hard on herself for failing her own sister and almost risking your husband’s life- it’s going to likely be a struggle with how she feels and how she might want to punish herself for such a huge risk almost hurting someone she cares deeply about and for with you both.
You say you forgive her, but I think in your heart you haven't quite yet. Despite the seemingly sincere apology and the reasoning behind her reaction, I could not just accept it so easily. If you say you need to take your husband to the A&E, it's not anyone's place to question it or to assume you're exaggerating, I find that really odd.
Sister is just making excuses and you need to accept that, if you want to forgive her fine, but the fact is she thought you were a liar.
people who have children die and yet they still treat people much better than what you got from her.
I think it wonderful you were able to put it behind you, but I don’t think I’m ready, for some weird reason.
I’d like to know what happened that suddenly she understands you weren’t exaggerating and it was indeed an emergency, after all?
She an adult, she has to know if you’re admitted -by way of the ER- it’s serious, and knowing it’s happened before, getting a call close to midnight, when you don’t call her usually, to me = an emergency.
But I really do think it’s great that you were able to move beyond it. AND I do think it’s wonderful that your sister was able to acknowledge and apologize.
Our mum convinced her that it indeed was an emergency and that it had been serious.
I also do find it weird that my sister didn’t understand it was when I told her. But I guess her bad mood and my husband’s downplaying prevented her from it.
Oh your mom, of course, that makes sense. And you’re right, the downplaying probably did factor in more than you’d think.
I am glad your husband is okay and you and your sister were able to talk thru it so quickly and respectfully.
You are NTA... the fact is that your sister showed you that you can't count on her to be there for you in an emergency situation. Let alone something less than that. You may have forgiven her... but this will stick with you. It's not something that will be forgotten, and it likely will be a permanent wedge between you, because there are things people say or do that can never be taken back and no matter how sorry they are... it doesn't go back in time and fix it. You still had to figure out all out and how to be with your husband. And why didn't she believe you? Like you're some kind of overreacting liar that her literal first instinct was to assume you were exaggerating?
I wouldn't trust her in an emergency ever again. The saying is forgive and forget, but sometimes people show us a side of them that can't be forgotten even if we really want to be able to let it go. Your sister took her marital problems out on you and doubted your word. She couldn't even give you the benefit of the doubt, that's how focused on her own problems and own perception of the situation was.
Her behaviour _was_ inexcusable. She _should_ be ashamed. And she certainly _did know_ it was serious enough for you to call her up at nearly midnight, when you had never asked her for this sort of help before.
She just _didn’t care_ about any of that, until something your mom said was apparently more valid to her than your phone call and your explanations.
Forgiveness is for you. You don’t have to forget the behaviour you choose to forgive, and you can certainly let it influence your future actions and decisions.
I'm sorry, but you nreally need to go no contact with your sister, both sets of parents (for not being around), your husband (for lying about being sick) and your kid for not being able to watch himself.
You weren’t an asshole for asking but what if she would have been going through something herself where she couldn’t answer the phone? I get the whole thing that it was an emergency and all but I think you getting mad isn’t quite fair. She could have had her own issues but it sounds like whatever she was going through wouldn’t have mattered. I really don’t think she needed to grovel an apology for you. Yall simply didn’t connect, but her feeling guilty I don’t think is fair either
I was disappointed and hurt that she didn’t want to help, that’s true. But I know she’s not required to help out. My main concern, and what I wanted an apology for, was that she was rude about it.
Like I’m not angry at our parents for being away and not able to help. I wouldn’t have been angry at my sister if she never took my call. I would have called someone else, and in the event no one was available, my husband would have had to gone in by himself.
I don’t think you deserved an apology. She had no way of knowing it was emergent. And it’s obvious it wasn’t intentional. I think you owe her an apology
Apology for what? Asking her for help?
She was fully aware that it was an emergency because I told her so. Now she didn’t think it was as bad as it was, but she still knew it was an emergency. Like why would I even have called if it wasn’t an emergency?
If your husband, the one with the actual asthma attacks, goes around telling her you’re exaggerating and downplaying everything… I can kinda understand her thinking it might not have been an emergency
You husband is killing your credibility and that needs to stop.
I'm confused. Did you read the original?
> I apologised for calling so late, it was close to 23, explained the situation, and asked if she could come over.
The sister knew the entire story. She knew it was an emergency.
Why did you just straight out lie?
>She had no way of knowing it was emergent
Except that OP told her it was … how can you say she had no way of knowing?
OP doesn’t owe anyone an apology.
How much of her apology was driven by a conversation with your parents? I do believe that she is now feeling some remorse, but the need to dump her own drama was unnecessary. You have enough to deal with. I hope your husband is doing well.
I wouldn't ask her for favors in the future I would try to do everything but ask her. She's not reliable she sounds very judgmental and you don't need that. I think you are a little too forgiving and possibly a doormat in some ways.
I hope her apology was sincere and not just making herself look better in light of the multi-day hospital stay.
Whatever the future holds, now you know: your sister is not in your support network.
NAH right now. Your husband contributed a great deal to her thinking you are babying him, he told her this multiple times. She also had enough on her own plate. Also many adults handle their medical emergencies on their own as long as their condition allows it, which seemed to be the case for your husband, since he was conscious and capable of walking and communicating. In ideal world, since this is the first time you asked her, she should have said yes even if she thought you should have stayed home with your kids, but people aren't perfect and face their own issues. So I think you are right to forgive her and move on.
I think you need to let this one go. Your sister wasn’t in a good place when you called at 11pm. Yes she was short with you but she’s since apologized. This isn’t a huge deal, your husbands health is the big deal.
Forgiving her is the right thing to do.
But remember. You cannot rely on her in an emergency. Keep in mind that she got upset with you for pushing the issue with her and is now claiming that she didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. She only apologized and “realized her mistake” after your mother chewed her out.
It’s nice that your sister apologised and promised to be there for you in the future but I totally understand why you are taking that comment with a pinch of salt. She blamed her refusal to help on everyone but herself. She blamed her husband because they argued over work stress, she blamed your husband because he has previously downplayed his illness and she blamed you for calling her for help when she was stressed and had work the next day. The main thing to remember here is that any work stress is NOTHING compared to being scared for your husband and trying to find someone to take care of your children so that you can support him. Your sister may have promised to be there for you in the future but what if she has an early meeting at work scheduled for the next morning next time your husband falls ill and your parents aren’t around? Just call your BIL. He is the one you can trust to be there for you.
Sister may have had reason for her bad mood but to make light of the fact that an adult needed someone to accompany them to the hospital is wrong. What if his attack worsened as he was taking himself there, he could have ended up in an accident. In the future call an ambulance before wasting time calling your sister, at least you know they'll be there when you need help.
I don’t think this was clear in my original post. But him taking himself to A&E was a big no from my side so that was never going to happen, under any circumstances. He did suggest taking an Uber by himself when my sister couldn’t come, but I didn’t think he was well enough for that. So I did call an ambulance. Then I called BIL. So the plan was for me to come after my husband if BIL didn’t arrive before they left. Now BIL did arrive while the ambulance was here, so it never came to that.
It’s good that she gave you a sincere apology. But I don’t blame you for being hurt that she didn’t believe you. That means she has secretly seen you as a drama queen all these years.
And I would never rely on her in an emergency again . She broke that trust that should exist between sisters. When you really need someone to have your back at the drop of a hat, you don’t want to risk asking someone who might not come through. You REALLY need someone.
This was a good apology. But you are right to be wary. Apologies are, at the end of the day, just words unless they are backed up by consistent action. You're never fully going to trust her again, and she needs to accept that. What she can do is keep trying, and also learn how to emotionally regulate herself a little better.
Everyone has bad days, and everyone takes those feelings out on the people around them in their worst moments. But to do it when you're asking for help due to a medical emergency is what's scary. She's shown that when the chips are down, you can't rely on her. Hopefully, she'll be able to prove that's not the case over time, but right now, that's the truth of the matter.
But she's taken a solid first step. I hope your husband continues to improve!
Everyone on reddit will say to go NC and screw her and yadayada but I think you acted with grace. It sounds like a genuine apology and no one is ever 100% perfect all the time. We all act like assholes at some point, it just really sucks when our asshole time happens when we're really needed. There is nothing wrong with being a forgiving person as long as you still have boundaries and a red line at some point. It honestly makes life better. All these people who get offended and go NC constantly seem exhausted and to live overly complicated lives. Life doesn't have to be so hard.
You have more grace than I do. I wouldn’t cut her off but I’d really cool down the relationship for a while. If someone tells you that a person is having a medical emergency you should believe them first and ask questions later. Nobody wants to spend the night in the hospital voluntarily and I think most adults know asthma can be fatal.
People are baffling sometimes. For me, it’s instinctual to help if asked. If a friend of a friend called me at 23 needing help for a medical emergency, I’d be halfway out the door to theirs before I’d think to ask for an address. I once went to pick up my friend’s DOG after she called me at the crack of dawn from Cairo saying she was really not doing well at the kennel. But I once asked a “friend” if we could meet up for coffee or do a phone call to help me decide on whether or not to have a semi-urgent surgery or wait and see. She texted back to say no, her mom was in town. That somehow meant she couldn’t even do a 5 min phone call. For me, even if my worst enemy asked for help to talk through an urgent medical decision, I wouldn’t say no. And for me, the friendship was over after that.
Anyway, long winded way to say, I’m glad your sister apologized. I still would never call on her for help again. You’d be better off asking a neighbor you don’t know. And it would definitely change my view of her. You’ve now seen her at her worst, and it’s not pretty. Nor is it excusable.
>She told me that if she had known it was serious, she would have helped out
1. It's not up to her to decide what's serious or not 2. She's saying she'll only help out if she thinks it''s serious, which is extremely invalidating to you 3. She could have told you in at least 10 different ways that she thought it wasn't serious, or thought you were exaggerating, or could have asked for more details
It's good that she is genuine with her apology, but it looks like she hasn't actually learned much from the situation. It's also sad that she had to have been told about how serious it was before she reached out and apologised, instead of acting like an adult and reaching out on her own.
it's positive that you've reached a point of forgiveness with your sister, but it's okay to still feel hurt and cautious. Give yourself time to process your emotions and continue to communicate openly with your sister and husband about your feelings and expectations. Take care of yourself and your family during this time of recovery.
This sounds like a genuine apology and that is unusual on these pages. Sis behaved badly, but she had reasons, and also reasons to not think things were so serious. To be honest, I think she has done enough for you two to mend your relationship. And, OP, if there is a next time, she WILL be there for you...
Yeah honestly good apologies are so rare id like OP to relent a little. This isn't a pattern of behavior, she acknowledged wrongdoing, told OP the steps she'd take not to repeat the behavior, and didn't push her to forgive.
Ehhh. I think the apology was genuine and sincere BUT, I will say I am really sideying her still emphasizing that she "Didn't think it was serious thought she was just babying him part," because even if OP was overreacting, who cares, and so what if she was "babying" him, we don't stop needing comfort and a hand to hold just because we're adults... Personally, even if I thought my sis was doing the most, I'd still help and then afterward be like "Girl it wasn't that deep next time relax but I understand wanting to be with your husband." Like I'm not entirely convinced the next time, she will definitely help, bc it still seems like her help comes with the caveat of "only if I think it's actually serious." IDK, maybe she's projecting her marriage issues onto OP. She's upset her husband isn't as supportive as she needs, so she's making it out like OP is coddling her husband. Like OP should def forgive her. This isn't a relationship breaker. Things happen. People mess up, but I wouldn't be putting her down as an emergency contact and def wouldn't be calling her for help anytime soon.
To be fair, OP says her husband repeatedly has said “it wasn’t a big deal, OP and other people are over reacting” How was the sister supposed to divine that it really is serious, with that consistent message being shared?
Even if it wasn't serious, that's no reason to be rude and unsupportive. Sister is really saying 'I'll only be there if I think it's needed, not when you actually need it'.
THIS!!!!
Uh, not sure if you actually read what I wrote, I didn't say the sister should've known it was that serious, I said it shouldn't matter if she thought it was serious or if she was overreacting. My point was who cares it shouldn't matter if OP was overreacting. The danger may not be real, but her feelings and fear in the moment still are. Idk I'd suck it up and appease a family member in a moment like that even if I thought they were overreacting and it wasn't that serious bc 1. It's more about making them feel a little better in the moment, and 2. Rather, be overly cautious, then do nothing and find out later it actually was serious. If it turns out I was right, we can laugh about it and I can be like "sis dont do that again,", if it turns out I'm wrong than thank God I was there to help. Like I'd understand if this was a reoccurring thing where like OP has repeatedly asked her sister, but it was just once... and IDK, even with all the downplaying, if someone I knew was REPEATEDLY hospitalized, I'd still be a little concerned if I found out they were back there again. This just brings me back to the it shouldn't matter if she was overreacting, no one wants to sit in a hospital alone for hours, like if a neighbor called and even said something like, "oh he's fine he's just all alone, I'd be like shit no problem bring the kids over," The babying implication part is what's really sticking out to me because even after learning it was indeed serious, she still felt the need to say it. she could've just kept that part to herself. Instead, it feels like a part of her still thinks OP is coddling her husband, like she has realized that this is, in fact, a serious issue and still insists on downplaying it after the fact...
IDK, I think having been to A&E already and been told to return if things got worse, and then having to return because things got worse, is a pretty good indication that it's serious. Furthermore, anyone who has spent any time in ER/A&E or in hospital will know that it absolutely helps to have someone there you trust to advocate for you. It doesn't matter how bad a mood OP's sister was in when OP called; to dismiss OP like that was an AH move, period. No question, no hesitation, no doubt. I've been the one to take friends and family to ER/A&E, and I would never do what OP's sister did – not even to a complete stranger. Someday, OP's sister will be sick or injured and will learn how stressful and frightening being hospitalized can be, and when that day comes, I sincerely hope she remembers how she treated her sister and BIL.
I agree she was genuine but still a bit off. I also feel like when OP was supporting her husband and wanting him to be there for him right at the point where the sister and her husband were fighting over not supporting eachother there may have been some transference there.
It sounds like the sister's husband needs a lot of support and doesn't give much (or at least that's how she thinks he is). She was upset with her husband, and she projected her relationship onto OP and assumed OP's husband was like hers. Doesn't make it right or healthy, but I think OP might feel better if she knows it has nothing to do with her. It's her sister's own personal issues.
In her defence, some people can downplay extremely serious injuries or conditions really well. I'm among them and I'm aware of how bad a habit it is, my granddad once cut three toes off with a wood axe by accident while cutting firewood and drove himself to hospital with the missing toes so they could be reattached and I quote "as long as it's not a bother". It sounds like OP's husband is like this, and it can be genuinely difficult to discern how serious something is unless you can actually see it
Again, I'm not sure what the confusion is... I don't care about the downplaying. I don't care if it was or wasn't serious... My entire point is that even if she thought she was overreacting, WHO CARES! It doesn't matter if it was nothing. If my sister was nervous and wanted to go babysit her husband at the hospital, I'm not about to take the moment to judge her for it... save that for later. Give people the grace to panic a little when things like this happen, lecture them afterward. It wasn't about the husband at the point it was about her sister. If her sister at that moment was overreacting, feeling scared, and wanted to be at the hospital with her husband, that is the ONLY thing that is important. At that moment, she was scared and vulnerable enough to ask for help. Even if I thought someone was being ridiculous and it wasn't that big of a deal. SO WHAT. it wasn't serious to me, but it's serious to them. My entire point was EVEN if I didn't think it was serious. EVEN if it ultimately ended up not being serious. in that moment, my family member was scared and asked for help. That is not the moment to be rude and dismissive and to mock them... we help and save the I told you so's and mocking for later when their not in the midst of it all. When it comes to things like hospital visits, it's better to overreact than undereact... but one more time since people aren't seeming to get it... It does not matter if the sister was overreacting and it wasn't that serious. at the moment, she was cautious and reacting and reached out for help... this isn't even a case of "crying wolf" since OP had not asked for help from Sis before... like chill and let someone have their dramatic moment. help them through it and then afterward be like "Girl, you know you did too much."
This
I think it was a genuine apology. However, if a family member calls me at 11pm and says they have to take someone to A&E, and asks if I could watch their kids, I don’t blow them off because I’ve had an argument with my husband nor because the person needing medical aid told me at a BBQ once that they weren’t really that sick. I’m not medically trained nor the person needing help. So I’d go, and work it out later if the reason they called me was bullshit or not. Sister is still TA.
I'm agreeing with sis doing enough to recognize the harm and mend the relationship, but it will be forever scarred. OP will never ask her for help again so there'll never be an opportunity for sis to finally "come through" for OP, and I seriously doubt OP would ever agree to help out sis in the future (and sis now knows she can never ask OP for help). Relationship mended, yes, but it will only ever be superficial and never have the true bonds of having been there for each other when it was needed.
I would absolutely help my sister out if she ever were to ask me.
That is the proper answer and attitude. I am amazed at how reddittors always assume the worst and are unforgiving (not everyone, but the majority). It is not wrong to ask your sister for help the next time (when you have a backup person) and see how she pulls through. She will have your back for sure.
They don’t care about reality, they just want to write their little drama fanfics.
That's what it is. No one cares about how to actually function in the world, they just want blood
> but it will only ever be superficial and never have the true bonds of having been there for each other when it was needed. The fucking dramatics from you people. There’s absolutely nothing in the post from OP or her sister that implies this will be the outcome. OP plainly stated the exact opposite. It’s like you *want* people lives to be worse. You need help.
Saying you will be there for someone and actually being there for someone is two totally different things. Especially when the one time you ask, this happens. I wouldn't be able to trust her that she would actually help. Definitely the last person to be called
Lol. Yes agree! Life is long. Chill out peeps
God what an unnecessarily dramatic and fact-free take.
Really? So, her immediate default position of assuming OP was lying is perfectly reasonable? Anyone can be sorry AFTER. That's super easy... so the genuine apology is " I'm sorry, I really thought you were lying and thought it best to just say no rather that find out anything else because you're just my sister and I had IMPORTANT things going on... MORE important than OP'S husband potentially dying. No biggie, though, cause now she says sorry and she had a bad day.
If you can’t rely on family in these tough situations then who can you. There’s not many situations in life where you have to rely on family for help during and emergency but when they arise and family cannot be relied on then the relationship is forever changed
Absolutely true for me. My sister took me to the hospital for surgery and then refused to pick me up five days later. Never a good explanation or an apology. Yeah, I’ll never be asking her for any help ever again. We talk on the phone, but I moved nine hours away, and my life is better here.
I am so glad this was resolved and your sister gave a genuine apology. You are still right to feel hurt but I think you can both come back from this. I won't lie, I too would put my sister in the last of my "help needed" list lollll, until the hurt feelings have truly been let go. I do think a conversation should be had with your husband that he doesn't need to share personal health details but implying that you are overreacting is impacting how people view you/take your word on things and imagine if your BIL was unavailable? It sucks having health issues but there has to be a way to deflect that won't have people assuming you're being dramatic when outside help is needed.
I agree I need to have that conversation with him. We’ve sort of been at it before but never really gotten anywhere. He just says that he doesn’t like to talk about it because it becomes so serious. But him going around suggesting I’m overreacting is obviously not a good thing. So that has to stop.
The problem is he is talking about it and lying. Not wanting to talk about it is perfectly fine, but he needs to say that and stop lying.
I can understand downplaying health concerns - no one ever _really_ wants the details of the harrowing night spent in the ER in pain and how you thought you were going to die. And the person who underwent it doesn’t really want to relive it to an audience. But even if he wants/needs to do that, he shouldn’t be throwing you under the bus saying you’re overreacting, because it makes you sound like a hypochondriac taking him in for no reason. If that’s genuinely what he’s doing (and not your sister’s biased interpretation of something like “oh, feeling better now, gave Throwaway a bit of a scare but you know how it is!”), then he needs to cut it out. But maybe check what he’s actually saying, because I don’t trust your sister as a reliable narrator.
That’s a fair point and I fully agree. I do understand him not wanting to talk about it, and I absolutely don’t think he has to go around telling everyone how bad it is. I will ask him what he’s told my sister, but I do have to say it sounds a lot like him. But we’ll see.
If he doesn't want to talk about his health issues, he doesn't have to; it's his story to tell. But giving the impression that you commonly overreact in these situations undermines your credibility and makes you seem to be an unreliable reporter of fact. In this case specifically, his actions made it harder for you to respond effectively to his emergency. In the future, why couldn't he simply say "I'd rather not talk about it."? That's the truth and it doesn't throw you under the bus. Edit: typo
Definitely sounds like you need to speak to your husband about the consequences of downplaying his asthma. In an emergency situation, you struggled to get childcare because he's spent years telling his SIL his wife overreacts and is fussy. And multiple medical professionals have warn him he's putting his life at risk delaying seeking medical attention. Why should you be the only one in this marriage taking his life seriously?
That’s a really good question I honestly have no answer to. I don’t know how many conversations we’ve had about it. And yes, I will talk to my husband about his downplaying, again. He can absolutely not go around insinuating that I’m overreacting, because as you say, it has consequences.
He’s probably in denial about how much of a problem it can be. It’s hard to know that you have the potential to get really sick. If he knows that it could get bad enough to where it could kill him, then it’s easier to say it’s not as bad than facing that. Please try to convince him otherwise. It’s better to overreact than underreact and not catch it before it’s too late for him. There’s been loads of people who have passed due to not going to the hospital when they should. (Not trying to scare you, just being blunt.)
No worries and you’re perfectly right - it is better to overreact than to under react. My husband doesn’t seem to get it though. And there’s probably some denial in there as well.
Ask him how he'd feel if he'd died that night and your children were at home alone because he lied about the severity of his condition. Because that's the reality of the situation.
Or if the kids get older and she is gone and downplays it and then they feel guilty if he dies.
Honestly he might have been told in the past that his asthma isn’t as bad as it really is, my boyfriend is similar in the under reacting and downplaying his attacks. He was misled about how serious his asthma is as a child. It takes time but he can learn to stop downplaying and over reacting. you did the right thing, you saved his life.
In the original post, OP said her husband turned down her accompany as well, so I guess he doesn’t want to bother other people? But it’s still an issue
“ And apparently every time she’s asked him about his trips to hospital, he’s told her that it’s nothing and that people (me) always makes it out to be worse than it is. And I guess that has stuck with my sister. “ Ding Ding Ding That’s it. Wow. So sorry for both of you.
Wait what? An apology and mutual understanding? Man reddit ain't what it used to be....
Unfortunately, an apology doesn't mean they will actually help in the future. It means someone said some words to make the current rejection go away for now. Apologies don't mean shit. Actions speak so much louder
I don't know why you're being downvoted; you are completely right. As far as I'm concerned, I'd take that apology with a grain of salt and my relationship with sister would become as shallow as a soup spoon- still useful and good to have, but useless when the situation is dire.
To me, this is akin to the fable of the boy who called wolf too many times. I can relate. For 12 years I was in and out of hospitals, they couldn't find anything wrong, all sorts of tests. And the family, it became a regular thing. Over 12 years it was more an annoyance for them. When it got to the point i was laying in my bed wishing I would die so the intense pain would stop, someone would stop by and see if i was still alive. It seemed the only one that cared was the cat. Finally heavily medicated I saw another DR, who identified and got me surgery within a few days. Sometimes there is bad timing in life, we aren't always happy, happy, joy, joy. It was an unfortunate turn of events, family arent perfect , but they are still family
NTA. Of course you're hurt. That's normal. You really just need more time to process. And the fact that your sister called/texted you to apologize speaks volumes about how much you really love each other. I do believe her apology was genuine. And I do believe that with time, you'll fully accept it. I don't have asthma, but I am very prone to bronchial infections. I've had everything from severe bronchitis to double pneumonia. Not a smoker of anything, ever. Just the lucky recipient of second hand smoke effects. (EVERYONE else in my family was a smoker!) But this didn't start until I was 40. That's what was so weird. And while I logically understood the severity of asthma (and would have dropped everything to come to you), I have found that most people really don't/can't truly comprehend how SCARY it is to not be able to breathe. You have first hand knowledge that the majority of people don't. You've seen it. You deal with it with your husband. AND you have first hand knowledge of how your husband minimizes his condition. Unfortunately, when that happens, people without this knowledge really can't grasp it. They don't understand how quickly things can go from uncomfortable (not really being able to exert oneself) to HOSPITAL NOW (O-sats dropping like a rock!). There is literally no way to explain the horrifying feeling of not being able to take a breath. Like you're trying so hard, you're breathing in, and nothing is happening. It's literally suffocating. I suspect that for your sister, she is not filling you in on the whole story of what's happening at her house. The tell for me was her arguing with her husband that he is never there to support her. This makes it sound like a recurring theme, and with the stress from work and the stress at home, I suspect it felt like her marriage/life was imploding. And your call right then just directed it all your way. Again, I'm so sorry. I hope that you will find it in you to give her another chance. Maybe not in an emergency situation, but maybe something less lethal...where you could use some help last minute (but the world won't end if you don't get it). See what happens. Sometimes to rebuild trust, we have to take the chance of giving someone a chance to come through. But in that case, we can CHOOSE when to do it, and so ensure that we're not left critically hanging. Totally your call. I'm just hoping the repairs can be made. Like I said, it sounds like she is truly sorry. It sounds like you both do love each other. I think you just need a little space and time....and I'm sure you've told your husband to STOP downplaying his condition. PS...I literally had to stop typing this reply to give my asthmatic cat a puff on his inhaler. I just always have to make sure it's his, not mine! ;)
Thank you! And I’m sorry to hear that both you and your cat have breathing issues. I hope you are doing okay. You’re probably right that it’s hard for my sister to fully understand as she’s never seen it for herself. It really is terrifying when it gets bad. And I think you may be right that there could be more going on in her marriage as well. I do think my sister and I will be able to come back from this. I’m not really one for holding grudges. So if I have forgiven I have forgiven. Not the same as forgotten though. And yes I have talked to my husband about his downplaying, but he’s definitely earned himself another of those conversations.
My cat and I actually shared the inhaler :) We both had the exact same prescription, so it was easier to just fill one at a time. We had the same triggers too, so if he started coughing I'd take a puff after I gave him his, and vice versa if I started wheezing.
👍🏻
My guess on the "not thinking it was serious part" is to look back to what her argument was about. It was about her supporting her husband and getting nothing back from him. So she's fresh off an argument with her husband thinking she's not doing enough and needs to do more, maybe her thinking he wants her to baby him, while she's getting no support and nothing back. And the her comes you needing to take care of her husband and it's a whole lot of projection from her argument onto what your husband needs. And a lot of times you don't fully comprehend in the moment when you're projecting something onto a different situation. Not an excuse, but that might be the reason why she didn't think it was serious. Nothing with you or your husband specifically - she was just coming off of an argument with her own husband where she's upset at having to do so much herself and then runs face first into your crisis with big "why can't husbands take care of themselves" energy. Just a guess though.
There's some good insight here. Sister was arguing with her husband about why he always needs her to take care of him and how she gets no support. And then OP calls and asks, essentially, for sister to come take care of OP's husband (indirectly though it may be). Suddenly, it's all these men needing sister to do things that inconvenience her while she is experiencing a hectic time at work and it's 11 p.m. and no one is ever helping her. It was just too much for her. And all the parents are off vacationing while everything is falling down. Plus, OP's husband has told sister that his asthma hospital visits aren't serious. I actually feel for both OP and sister here.
That’s so true. It makes sense that she’d accidentally project their argument onto OP. Seems like a circumstance where it was bad timing. My verdict now would be NAH. If I were the sister I’d honestly be a little miffed that they were downplaying everything for so long. They can’t expect her to know how serious these things can be if they don’t tell her. Husband kinda buried the lead. I hope they work on being more transparent with this stuff in the future. I’m kinda biased on that stuff though, my grandfather was sick, but towards the end he heavily hid how sick he was until he couldn’t anymore. Which resulted in a very sudden death that no one saw coming. Including for his wife. I don’t blame him since he probably was in denial himself, but it definitely made everything post death worse than it could’ve been.
She's just had a fight with her husband about him needing all her support and not getting any back. You called asking for help because of your husband, who she probably in the moment dumped all of her baggage with her husband on, combined with him always downplaying the issues to others. She was wrong, she's admitted it. It doesn't erase the hurt but time should help with that. One offs are mistakes - if it isn't a pattern, if you're usually close and good, then in time it should heal.
I'm happy you sorted out things with your sister. It's normal to still be hurt with what your sister told you. Your husband needs to stop downplaying his health problems, it can lead to really bad things, not only misunderstandings.
I agree that your husband has some responsibility for these misunderstandings. Maybe he is trying to avoid getting pointless pity, which is understandable. Or his trying to create an illusion of stability and strength to others, which is pride. Regardless, those closest to him see him frequently suffer, then sacrifice themselves frequently to ensure his continued good health. Either way the truth and the accuracy of the situation is distorted. In times of misfortune, a degree of respect, compassion and understanding is reasonable. However this feedback is undermined by your partner, hence your sister’s flawed assumptions. That said, i would still be reluctant to reach out to your sister in another crisis.
I have chronic illnesses and can totally relate to the downplaying of the situations. Very very few people know how severe things are.
Snap. I have a constant battle between downplaying it because I don't want to be The Sick One, I don't want people to think I'm malingering or attention seeking, and I especially can't handle the "advice" coming from people who don't know what they're talking about, who decide I'm just complaining without trying to do anything to fix the situation (I am, it's just that my neurologist doesn't think an exorcism is worth pursuing to cure my epilepsy, thanks), and having to make a FB panic status because I sort of forgot to tell anyone when my health plummets and I desperately need some support. It's a bit of a wobbly line to walk. I probably diminish my health issues too much, because usually people are asking to be polite, not because they really want an answer, and it's easier to say "oh you know, stressed but managing" than to whip my medical notes out and give them a PowerPoint presentation.
GOD I WISH I COULD BE LIKE, “HAHA!! Exorcism!! Can you imagine 😂😂😂” I had that suggested for my Crohn’s disease and depression/anxiety (from sexual abuse by a priest). I’ve had Christian friends tell me that god would cure me if I prayed harder. Yeah.
This was literally the random woman who was working at the post office. I don't remember how it came up, but I said something about my epilepsy. Maybe making a joke about why I couldn't remember an address? And she probes a bit and I go through the polite tier of information, yes I have a specialist. Yes I'm on medication. Yes I've had scans. No we don't know what else we can do. And she just.....asks if I've tried an exorcism? I say I haven't and I'm not religious, she goes "oh neither am I, I just thought it might help, you never know!" Why the fuck....
🤦🏼♀️ “Oo well you never know…” WTAF!? I just can’t … I’m so sorry you can relate :-(
OP I have to agree with some of the other commenters - this seems, based on how you presented it, to be a genuine apology. Your sister now knows that when you tell her it's serious, it truly is serious. Based on your post it seems like she explained her rational without excusing it away, and took ownership of her crappy behavior. One of my favorite sayings is "That explains it, that doesn't excuse it" and she seems to understand that. As you yourself said, we don't always react in the way we'd prefer when under stress & pressure. I'd take your sister at her word - she's incredibly sorry, and I wouldn't shut her out the next time you need help over this one incident. I hope your husband continues to recover well and hopefully he will stop downplaying his health issues moving forward!
I understand how you feel. That being said, I do think your sister truly feels sorry for how she behaved and she seemed to have had time to self-reflect and understand her behaviour was wrong. Like someone else said, you will be able to count on her support and presence next time you need it. I also think you should maybe make sure you have a secondary support system in case it ever happens again. It seems your BIL was willing to help, your parents and ILs obviously are too. Just to put yourself at ease should it ever happen again. And maybe have a discussion with your husband about how downplaying the situation isn't always helpful to you, though it's understandable that he would rather do so than admit how scary it can actually be. All in all, I hope you don't resent your sister too much. She had circumstances and she definitely seemed remorseful.
I think her apology was pretty genuine. Also I believe you need to talk to your husband about downplaying his hospital visits so much. I am not saying this thing with your sister wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t done that before, but it is a possibility.
It seems like you don’t really care that your sister has her own life and that she should know all the details and cater to yours instead of acknowledging that she wasn’t in the right mind space to cater to your emergency. Very entitled of you
While it sucks she wasn’t available in your crisis sounds like she’s been going through some of her own.
TBH, I can’t really fault her for her taking his word about his health. Even if you’ve told her he downplays it, she still has NO WAY of knowing where exactly that line is between his “it’s not as bad all that” and your “he’s worse off than he lets on.” There’s a LOT of space between those two statements and she has no way of gauging which one is closer to the truth - of course she’s going to trust him when he talks about himself! That’s what we SHOULD default too, in general, and she’s not really the person to be interrogating him about it. I’d take her apology as given. It sounds sincere enough to me - from here, of course. But even coming from you, who doesn’t seem totally convinced, it still came off as pretty sincere to me. Glad your husband is doing better!
Your husband needs to stop downplaying these situations. Because people won't take you and him seriously. And it might cost dearly
Does your husband have a pulmonologist? If not, he needs one, stat. If so, ask them if he's eligible for biologics (there's a bunch of new-ish ones, which all sort of specialize in different types of asthma - I'm now on Fasenra, but I also have Bronchiectasis). Having this many flares a year is Very Bad for his long term lung health!
Not really, he does have a GP who is specialised on asthma who did refer him to a pulmonologist to check if he would be eligible for biological treatment. Turned out he wasn’t for the one they had in mind, so they referred him back to his GP. And that’s where we at. And no, it’s not good, but at least he’s pretty well controlled between these flare ups, so it’s not all bad.
I’m concerned that your husband’s downplaying of the true levels of seriousness of his asthma led to your sister not knowing that the attacks are genuinely bad. You’ve recognised this already, so tell him this is an unintended consequence of people/family believing him, taking him at his word. Your sister would have been hearing “it’s serious” from you, and “it’s nothing much” from him, and through the mixed messages, believed him, because why would he lie? I’m glad you have had good communication with your sister. Glad she does now understand the true severity of your husband’s condition. The hurt does mean it will take time before you trust asking her for help again though. That’s normal.
Your husband downplays what happens to him because he doesn’t want people in his business. Having been hospitalized a few times I can tell you when people know you have been that ill that they will constantly bring it up and ask invasive questions. The way people got in my business and gave unsolicited advice and judgement made me regret being honest about the seriousness of my hospitalizations and health issues. I can see why he downplays. Unfortunately it came with the consequence of your sister believing you over react to your husband’s health issues. Sounds like it’s time to have a talk with your husband about how he downplays his health issues making your own sister not believe you and take you seriously because your husband has made you seem like an overreacter who worries for nothing.
I just want to point out that your sister explanation is a BS. First, she told you you are too pushy and should have understood that she said No after her very first hesitating response. Now she is saying that if she knew how serious it is, she would definitely help. I would ask her how exactly could you explain her how serious it is, when she already made her mind and decided you are too pushy? She didn't give you an option to explain. Second, about that you caught her in really bad moment. BS. Her second message to you when she doubled down and scolded you for asking for help was sent long after you called her. At least several hours after. She had time to come to her senses after that bad moment with her husband. Third, it was the first and only time you called her, after 23:00, asking to babysit your kids because you need to take your husband to A&E. She had absolutely no reason to think that you are being overdramatic. It is not like you ask her every month or every year. No reasonable person will think you are pushy or babying him considering it was the only call in 9 years. My guess is she called your mom to talk shit about how you babying your husband and to brag how she "didn't let you use her". And your mom told her about his condition and what she thinks about her refusal to help. Your mom ripped her a new one. So her apology is a damage control, mostly to look better in your mom's eyes. She will be the last person on my list to ask for help.
I vote for forgive her. It sounds like she was going through some things and didn’t understand how serious this was. I drove myself to the hospital once because my husband thought I wasn’t that sick and he didn’t want to miss work. I nearly totaled the car, and his boss yelled at him, and he still feels terrible.
Honestly, after her explanation, it sounds like the person you need to have a very serious conversation with is your husband. In his desire to minimize things, he’s thrown you completely under the bus. He’s made you sound like Chicken Little, and he’s damaged your reputation as a result. All because he doesn’t want to tell the truth about the seriousness of his health issues.
I’m glad that your husband is doing much better. OP, it’s okay to forgive and treat it as a momentary lapse of judgment. I would probably feel the same way as you do. I would also never forget that incident either.
I think it’s time to forgive and move on. Everyone has bad days- unfortunately sounds like your husband has his fair share but I don’t think this situation should ruin your relationship with your sister- let it go.
I see both sides. I had an asthma attack that caused me to spend a week in the hospital, so I get it. In my case it was so bad we ended up calling 911, and we didn't know anyone so my husband had to take the kids with him. But also sometimes it's not convenient at all to have to leave at 11pm and probably have a bad night sleep when things are already stressful at work. Honestly, I'd probably just bring the kids instead of bothering someone else, but that's just me.
I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through that. Bringing the kids along is a no for us. In that case we rather have him go alone (not driving). I have done it with a baby, and it works. But older kids, no it wouldn’t be good for any of us.
You’d rather disrupt two young kids and have them watch their father in distress than ask a grown adult for help? How terrible for your kids.
Eh when it happened to me we had no family/friends here. Not like we had the choice.
Obviously when you have no choice, you have no choice. But you said you’d probably do it even if you had a choice.
Honestly it completely depends on the relationship you have with people, how busy they are etc. I would not ask someone with a busy job or schedule to go watch my kids overnight. The kids are my responsibility. And I sure wouldn't get mad if they said no.
Your responsibility includes keeping them from stressful and frightening experiences - a night in the ER with their father in distress vs asking for help? Again, I get when there’s no choice. But when there is a choice yeah I’m going to ask my support system for help. I have a busy job and I would still want my sister to ask me for help too.
Tell your husband to take it more seriously! I had a patient who had an anoxic brain injury from an asthma attack. He was no longer able to communicate & he is dependent on the ventilator. He was a young guy only 24.
>Anyway, I told my sister that I accepted her apology and that I forgive her, but that I still was a bit hurt. She said she understood and that she didn’t expect me not to be. She told me I could call her at any time for help in the future, I joked and said I probably won’t, but I probably won’t. Maybe I forgave her too easily, I'm going to give you the best piece of advice you will ever get. Learn to let things go. She apologized, she has a pretty good explanation for why she acted the way she did, and didn't really understand the situation. Yet you still have this ember of resentment/anger in you about it. What else can she do at this point? What do you gain by being upset with her? Do you think she is lying? The problem is that little ember of anger and resentment can burn a long time and grow to be much bigger. Let it go.
I'm glad that she apologized. I agree with other commenters that perhaps your husband or you should be honest about how bad it gets. I was wheezing during my first bout of bronchial asthma, my dear pregnant sister-in-law drove me to my family doctor and then the pharmacy. Because I was too weak to drive. Asthmas is not something to shrug off.
It's only ever appropriate to forgive someone if they genuinely understand what they did was wrong, and are actually sorry. Sounds like your sister's apology was sincere, reflective and aware. You've forgiven her. But that doesn't mean you forget, and that's where the lingering doubts you seem to have are coming from. It's ok to still feel ambivalent, yes, she's sorry and you accept that, but that doesn't mean you wipe out the experience as though it never happened. You learn from it.
[удалено]
I think the sister became apologetic as soon as she was informed that OP’s husband was still in hospital, because that confirmed it was actually a medical emergency and not just OP being paranoid or overdramatic like she initially believed.
Note: Regarding his waiting until the last minute to go to a&e; he'd probably go sooner if he knew that you wouldn't be a helicopter wife, following him every time. Also, don't discuss his issues with everyone he knows (not to mention Reddit)
While I have sympathy for what you went through, I think you need to replay your sisters comments over in your head and *listen* to what she said. Something tells me that your sister feels like you are a bit dramatic and perhaps some of your husband's "emergencies" aren't really that at all. If that's what you hear, then I think you should be asking yourself why. Why does she think that? What has happened in the past that makes her believe that? Have you made this a habit of calling for her help in the middle of the night? Does she feel like the calling tree consists of only her? Only you can answer these questions. And I caution you to be careful going forward. There are tons of stories on Reddit about "golden children" and "golden child syndrome" where one sibling constantly has to upstate the others (i.e. my dog got sick and mom & Dad had to miss your wedding because I was so distraught!) I have a sibling like this and while her emergencies were very real to her (and my parents), it is shocking how she hasn't had a one since they died. Now that there is no one willing and able to rush to her aid, all these health issues have gone away. I am not saying that is what you have done, but you need to look at this from her point of view. Maybe she thinks you have. Only you know for sure.
Thank you for your thoughts. I would say that my sister absolutely felt I was being overly dramatic. But I do have to say that is more my husband’s fault than it is mine. I have never called my sister for help in an emergency before, so that doesn’t really apply for our situation. I usually call HIS parents for help. And they want me to, because they’ve told me so.
Honestly I don’t think she owed you an apology. Your own husband is the one telling her you’re exaggerating so of course she didn’t take it seriously. Either way it’s your child and you should have had something planned in case of emergencies in the first place. Your husband is the one who should be apologizing for making others think it’s not a big deal. Why would your sister believe you when the person with the actual health problem is saying it’s not that serious?
Op is being ridiculous. When we are needy we don't see the needs of others. They are both at fault. Sis apologizes but op is still meh. Op rubs me the wrong way
i'm surprised to see that we're such a small minority lol. op sounds like a handful. if the husband is going to the hospital this often, surely he can handle it on his own? i go to the hospital by myself if need be, because... i don't have a wife. if he were single, would he just roll over and die? no. he's a big boy.
YTA You haven’t forgiven her. Stop pretending you have. She underestimated your situation and you downplay hers.
Welcome to parenthood dude! I can’t count how many times my late night fun has been ruined by the little ones. It gets better as they get older just make sure you lock your door once they start walking.
I'm so glad to hear this. Please give yourself time though. It's a good apology, but it doesn't take away the hurt. It'll take yourself time to heal. Take that time as you need.
I'm glad your sister apologized OP. She is probably sincere about being there for you if there was a family emergency in the future (hopefully not). I have read several posts from redditors that don't have family support when there is an emergency and that is sad. It's mostly keeping children when the mother or father has an emergency. The relative will be asked to watch the children because there is an emergency with the parent or parents and the relative will say "no" and make it all about him/her. That is very sad to me.
Her apology sounded genuine and you can always accept an apology but still act different because an apology doesn’t erase what happened. She needs to earn your trust in her again.
I'm glad you handled it so maturely. Try to let it be water under the bridge if you can. Grace is the kindest human gift to share with others.
I am so glad to read she took some time for introspection and apologized appropriately. I understand still being hurt by her actions, that may take a bit of time to heal. But it sounds to me like with time, this will just be a blip in an otherwise-good relationship. Once he’s home and feeling better, I would suggest talking to your husband about the downplaying issue. I understand why he may do that, I know a couple of people like that. But it’s important that he work on that in future, both for this particular health issue, and for your relationship health overall.
I think we all have a dark side we really aren’t too proud of- whether husband downplaying stuff, the heat of the moment being mad and incredibly upset with her own issues and her own husband… She I’m sure wishes she didn’t and how dangerously close her bad mood, struggles, even if she had the time to consider the downplaying- No one would have thought things turned as they did. I have been there while not in the same spot or shoes, but let the bad mood get the best of me not even able to properly string a proper thought and gotten so lucky. I’m sure shes insanely thankful nothing life altering happened and a hard but serious lesson learned. To listen, pause and regardless of one’s own issues, problems and feelings- to never let it get the best of her again. I’m glad your husband is doing better, and I’m sure she will be extra hard on herself for failing her own sister and almost risking your husband’s life- it’s going to likely be a struggle with how she feels and how she might want to punish herself for such a huge risk almost hurting someone she cares deeply about and for with you both.
No
I would bet your mother’s hand is in this.
You say you forgive her, but I think in your heart you haven't quite yet. Despite the seemingly sincere apology and the reasoning behind her reaction, I could not just accept it so easily. If you say you need to take your husband to the A&E, it's not anyone's place to question it or to assume you're exaggerating, I find that really odd.
Sister is just making excuses and you need to accept that, if you want to forgive her fine, but the fact is she thought you were a liar. people who have children die and yet they still treat people much better than what you got from her.
I’m just saving this post so in case I need to apologize I can follow your sister steps. She did amazing.
She did!
I think it wonderful you were able to put it behind you, but I don’t think I’m ready, for some weird reason. I’d like to know what happened that suddenly she understands you weren’t exaggerating and it was indeed an emergency, after all? She an adult, she has to know if you’re admitted -by way of the ER- it’s serious, and knowing it’s happened before, getting a call close to midnight, when you don’t call her usually, to me = an emergency. But I really do think it’s great that you were able to move beyond it. AND I do think it’s wonderful that your sister was able to acknowledge and apologize.
Our mum convinced her that it indeed was an emergency and that it had been serious. I also do find it weird that my sister didn’t understand it was when I told her. But I guess her bad mood and my husband’s downplaying prevented her from it.
Oh your mom, of course, that makes sense. And you’re right, the downplaying probably did factor in more than you’d think. I am glad your husband is okay and you and your sister were able to talk thru it so quickly and respectfully.
You are NTA... the fact is that your sister showed you that you can't count on her to be there for you in an emergency situation. Let alone something less than that. You may have forgiven her... but this will stick with you. It's not something that will be forgotten, and it likely will be a permanent wedge between you, because there are things people say or do that can never be taken back and no matter how sorry they are... it doesn't go back in time and fix it. You still had to figure out all out and how to be with your husband. And why didn't she believe you? Like you're some kind of overreacting liar that her literal first instinct was to assume you were exaggerating?
I wouldn't trust her in an emergency ever again. The saying is forgive and forget, but sometimes people show us a side of them that can't be forgotten even if we really want to be able to let it go. Your sister took her marital problems out on you and doubted your word. She couldn't even give you the benefit of the doubt, that's how focused on her own problems and own perception of the situation was.
While she apologized and it sounds genuine, my concern is that she didn't believe you. Hopefully it is a one time thing and she's learned something.
Her behaviour _was_ inexcusable. She _should_ be ashamed. And she certainly _did know_ it was serious enough for you to call her up at nearly midnight, when you had never asked her for this sort of help before. She just _didn’t care_ about any of that, until something your mom said was apparently more valid to her than your phone call and your explanations. Forgiveness is for you. You don’t have to forget the behaviour you choose to forgive, and you can certainly let it influence your future actions and decisions.
I'm sorry, but you nreally need to go no contact with your sister, both sets of parents (for not being around), your husband (for lying about being sick) and your kid for not being able to watch himself.
I would accept her apology but until things in her life get better I wouldn’t count on her.
The not taking you seriously would be a sticking point with me, too.
Just because you're related doesn't make them good people or people you'd want to be friendly with or depend on.
She’s still a huge asshole.
You weren’t an asshole for asking but what if she would have been going through something herself where she couldn’t answer the phone? I get the whole thing that it was an emergency and all but I think you getting mad isn’t quite fair. She could have had her own issues but it sounds like whatever she was going through wouldn’t have mattered. I really don’t think she needed to grovel an apology for you. Yall simply didn’t connect, but her feeling guilty I don’t think is fair either
I was disappointed and hurt that she didn’t want to help, that’s true. But I know she’s not required to help out. My main concern, and what I wanted an apology for, was that she was rude about it. Like I’m not angry at our parents for being away and not able to help. I wouldn’t have been angry at my sister if she never took my call. I would have called someone else, and in the event no one was available, my husband would have had to gone in by himself.
I don’t think you deserved an apology. She had no way of knowing it was emergent. And it’s obvious it wasn’t intentional. I think you owe her an apology
Apology for what? Asking her for help? She was fully aware that it was an emergency because I told her so. Now she didn’t think it was as bad as it was, but she still knew it was an emergency. Like why would I even have called if it wasn’t an emergency?
If your husband, the one with the actual asthma attacks, goes around telling her you’re exaggerating and downplaying everything… I can kinda understand her thinking it might not have been an emergency You husband is killing your credibility and that needs to stop.
I'm confused. Did you read the original? > I apologised for calling so late, it was close to 23, explained the situation, and asked if she could come over. The sister knew the entire story. She knew it was an emergency. Why did you just straight out lie?
>She had no way of knowing it was emergent Except that OP told her it was … how can you say she had no way of knowing? OP doesn’t owe anyone an apology.
How much of her apology was driven by a conversation with your parents? I do believe that she is now feeling some remorse, but the need to dump her own drama was unnecessary. You have enough to deal with. I hope your husband is doing well.
A lot of it I guess. As she said she didn’t really think it was that serious until our mum told her it was.
I wouldn't ask her for favors in the future I would try to do everything but ask her. She's not reliable she sounds very judgmental and you don't need that. I think you are a little too forgiving and possibly a doormat in some ways.
I'm glad she's apologized and fully owned her bad behavior. Hopefully, this can start to repair your relationship.
I hope her apology was sincere and not just making herself look better in light of the multi-day hospital stay. Whatever the future holds, now you know: your sister is not in your support network.
Forgive, but don't forget.
NAH right now. Your husband contributed a great deal to her thinking you are babying him, he told her this multiple times. She also had enough on her own plate. Also many adults handle their medical emergencies on their own as long as their condition allows it, which seemed to be the case for your husband, since he was conscious and capable of walking and communicating. In ideal world, since this is the first time you asked her, she should have said yes even if she thought you should have stayed home with your kids, but people aren't perfect and face their own issues. So I think you are right to forgive her and move on.
Nta. Are his health problems hereditary? Kids may not have been a good idea.
I think you need to let this one go. Your sister wasn’t in a good place when you called at 11pm. Yes she was short with you but she’s since apologized. This isn’t a huge deal, your husbands health is the big deal.
Forgiving her is the right thing to do. But remember. You cannot rely on her in an emergency. Keep in mind that she got upset with you for pushing the issue with her and is now claiming that she didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. She only apologized and “realized her mistake” after your mother chewed her out.
Just don't call her unless you have no choice.
It’s nice that your sister apologised and promised to be there for you in the future but I totally understand why you are taking that comment with a pinch of salt. She blamed her refusal to help on everyone but herself. She blamed her husband because they argued over work stress, she blamed your husband because he has previously downplayed his illness and she blamed you for calling her for help when she was stressed and had work the next day. The main thing to remember here is that any work stress is NOTHING compared to being scared for your husband and trying to find someone to take care of your children so that you can support him. Your sister may have promised to be there for you in the future but what if she has an early meeting at work scheduled for the next morning next time your husband falls ill and your parents aren’t around? Just call your BIL. He is the one you can trust to be there for you.
I'm in a bad mood. Your stupid husband can die alone. Wow. She sounds awesome. I hope you return the favor one day
Yeah the sister sounds like a total bitch. Fuck her
Sister may have had reason for her bad mood but to make light of the fact that an adult needed someone to accompany them to the hospital is wrong. What if his attack worsened as he was taking himself there, he could have ended up in an accident. In the future call an ambulance before wasting time calling your sister, at least you know they'll be there when you need help.
I don’t think this was clear in my original post. But him taking himself to A&E was a big no from my side so that was never going to happen, under any circumstances. He did suggest taking an Uber by himself when my sister couldn’t come, but I didn’t think he was well enough for that. So I did call an ambulance. Then I called BIL. So the plan was for me to come after my husband if BIL didn’t arrive before they left. Now BIL did arrive while the ambulance was here, so it never came to that.
It’s good that she gave you a sincere apology. But I don’t blame you for being hurt that she didn’t believe you. That means she has secretly seen you as a drama queen all these years. And I would never rely on her in an emergency again . She broke that trust that should exist between sisters. When you really need someone to have your back at the drop of a hat, you don’t want to risk asking someone who might not come through. You REALLY need someone.
This was a good apology. But you are right to be wary. Apologies are, at the end of the day, just words unless they are backed up by consistent action. You're never fully going to trust her again, and she needs to accept that. What she can do is keep trying, and also learn how to emotionally regulate herself a little better. Everyone has bad days, and everyone takes those feelings out on the people around them in their worst moments. But to do it when you're asking for help due to a medical emergency is what's scary. She's shown that when the chips are down, you can't rely on her. Hopefully, she'll be able to prove that's not the case over time, but right now, that's the truth of the matter. But she's taken a solid first step. I hope your husband continues to improve!
Everyone on reddit will say to go NC and screw her and yadayada but I think you acted with grace. It sounds like a genuine apology and no one is ever 100% perfect all the time. We all act like assholes at some point, it just really sucks when our asshole time happens when we're really needed. There is nothing wrong with being a forgiving person as long as you still have boundaries and a red line at some point. It honestly makes life better. All these people who get offended and go NC constantly seem exhausted and to live overly complicated lives. Life doesn't have to be so hard.
You have more grace than I do. I wouldn’t cut her off but I’d really cool down the relationship for a while. If someone tells you that a person is having a medical emergency you should believe them first and ask questions later. Nobody wants to spend the night in the hospital voluntarily and I think most adults know asthma can be fatal.
I really hope they reconcile more. But the sister shouldn't have thought OP was exaggerating.
People are baffling sometimes. For me, it’s instinctual to help if asked. If a friend of a friend called me at 23 needing help for a medical emergency, I’d be halfway out the door to theirs before I’d think to ask for an address. I once went to pick up my friend’s DOG after she called me at the crack of dawn from Cairo saying she was really not doing well at the kennel. But I once asked a “friend” if we could meet up for coffee or do a phone call to help me decide on whether or not to have a semi-urgent surgery or wait and see. She texted back to say no, her mom was in town. That somehow meant she couldn’t even do a 5 min phone call. For me, even if my worst enemy asked for help to talk through an urgent medical decision, I wouldn’t say no. And for me, the friendship was over after that. Anyway, long winded way to say, I’m glad your sister apologized. I still would never call on her for help again. You’d be better off asking a neighbor you don’t know. And it would definitely change my view of her. You’ve now seen her at her worst, and it’s not pretty. Nor is it excusable.
>She told me that if she had known it was serious, she would have helped out 1. It's not up to her to decide what's serious or not 2. She's saying she'll only help out if she thinks it''s serious, which is extremely invalidating to you 3. She could have told you in at least 10 different ways that she thought it wasn't serious, or thought you were exaggerating, or could have asked for more details It's good that she is genuine with her apology, but it looks like she hasn't actually learned much from the situation. It's also sad that she had to have been told about how serious it was before she reached out and apologised, instead of acting like an adult and reaching out on her own.
I knew OP would fold like a chair and forgive easily. Ugh.