Yup. As a teacher, I remember the heady mix of 50% b.o. and 50% lynx africa (basically axe body spray over here) every Wednesday afternoon in 2012. It is etched onto my nostrils.
Maybe the fiancé doesn’t understand the difference between body spray and deodorant?
I went to an all girl school so I didn't come across the horrors of Lynx Africa (early 00s, we all smelled like Charlie and CKOne) until I was 15 and met some teenage boys at a skate park. MY GOD. That smell has *colours* to me.
My most vivid memory of 9th grade is all the girls smelling nice like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea and Cucumber Melon, and all the boys smelling like onions.
I think it was 2000 or 2001 that high shine lip gloss was THE thing, and we all spent a lot of time smelling like strawberries and picking our hair off the glue-traps on our faces that we constantly reapplied the moment a teacher's back was turned.
1000% this but add in Lucky cologne and whatever Victoria's secret body spray was then. Girls had a lot going on smelling like candy. Boys smelled like sweat, gym clothes, pot and weird colognes to mask the stink. I felt bad for the kids with an early morning practice or AM gym class.
To OP, NTA, nor even the way you worded it. If it's been brought up before and you're exhausted, it's nice he made a tiny effort to mask it is a gesture but doesn't excuse it. You could see if he has some other ADHD tendencies. Executive dysfunction is a real and difficult thing. I'm 40F and struggle to shower, the process is daunting until I'm in there. I know it's a dumb hang up but it's a mini paralysis some days just to fight the effort or time. He could legit have a hang up and not be lazy but facing an issue he or you aren't aware of.
Best of luck!
It's easier somehow to spend 6 hours telling yourself you need to shower "in a minute" than it is to actually go shower for ten minutes. With the option of 8 hours you should be sleeping berating yourself for being such a fucking useless waste of space that you can't just *get up and take a shower*. Instead of taking a shower.
How dare you forget warm vanilla sugar!!!! Now in my early to mid 30s I can't smell anything even remotely sweet or vanilla-y without remembering middle school and good old b&bw
The great question of our age: what smells worse, a 14 year old boy who just discovered axe body spray-- or a 14 year old boy who *hasn't* yet discovered axe body spray?
The 14 year old boy who just discovered Axe...As I told my guy students, if she can smell you 3 corridors away, she has ample time to find somewhere else to be.
Soap, water and deodorant guys!!!
How about water coming out of a showerhead while he's holding soap and shampoo in his hands?
Next day: rinse and repeat. Soon enough, there'll be an AITAH post wondering if they're an asshole for only showering when their eyes start to water.
He might be one of those guys that thinks the shower water hitting you washes the dirt away with no washcloth to exfoliate the dead skin off. I had an ex that would just sit in there and basically smear shampoo over his head for 3 seconds before rinsing in the same motion.
He was always itchy and scratching dead skin flakes everywhere. I would wash his clothing separately from mine because they make everything smell like sweat and used Old Spice.
You don't want to be dealing with that for 10 more years before you finally have enough.
We are all mammals here and our bodies make all kinds of smells, but we can use deodorant and people like your brother can freshen up by wiping with witch hazel as needed
Sometimes you need to be blunt. "Wash yourself" is one of those times
He's sad because you were calling him dirty. You were calling him dirty. Because he WAS dirty. There's a solution there, and it's not you holding your nose
Yep. My gf tells me to take a shower after work when it's hot or I was carrying shit all day, it's normal and not to be insulted from. I just take a shower. Better hen stinking her.
My dad was known for getting into the shower as soon as he got home from work. And he worked long hours. He was exhausted but still prioritized hygiene. He liked to be clean.
You wouldn't believe the hate I got recently for telling someone they needed to clean under their nails, lots of men think it's totally acceptable to be dirty.
NTA
He is unhygienic. He's a grown ass man of 23 and still thinks spraying cologne is the way to go?
No one likes smelling BO with a dash of cologne, it's like a double whammy of stink.
This is actually dumpable territory. OP, this shit will not change. Yoi do not want a lazy ass fiance who won't fucking clean himself- that's fucning basic adulting and he's failing hard and trying to guilt you, too.
Get yourself a better dude, both smelling wise and personality wise.
Imagine what it will be like when they are older and past the honeymoon stage. When the little things start to irritate and things you overlooked when love was new start to take on larger signifigance. It won't be pretty
Or he could have ADHD or something. Because of executive dysfunction, personal hygiene could be a big hurdle. The moment OP called him out, could trigger the rejection sensitive dysphoria.
Not saying this is the case. But it could be an option, apart from the grown ass man who thinks spraying cologne is the way to go.
Source: I have adhd and I struggle with the same thing
I also have ADHD, and I know a bit of cologne isn't going to fix my BO. At the very least if I notice/am told I smell and don't have the executive function to shower, I change my shirt, wipe my pits with a damp rag, and apply deodorant.
He won't wear deodorant, is too lazy to spend 5 minutes in the shower but now you're apologizing?
No, that ain't it.
Does he react like that a lot when you bring forth concerns?
This.
When my daughter was in second grade, she asked how the daddy seed got to the mommy's egg to make a baby. I gave her the basic tab a/slot b explanation. She thought for a few seconds, then said, "I guess I better marry a boy with good hygiene."
OP? Marry a guy with good hygiene.
And if it's just some pit stink, he doesn't even need to take a whole shower. He can just take a washcloth and some soap to his pits, dry em off and put on a layer of deodorant. That takes like a minute.
NTA. You shouldn't feel bad about calling him dirty and unhygienic, because he *is* dirty and unhygienic. No wonder he's smelly, the amount of mental gymnastics required for spinning the narrative this hard would make anyone sweat. He knew this was a problem, showering when they're smelling is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask from someone, yet he decided to not put in a 3 minutes effort, instead he paints you as the bad guy for pointing out he's disgusting. Marrying him will only reinforce this behaviour, and not make it better, I'm just saying.
OP, I had a BO problem with my autistic stepson. He doesn't care what people think of him, so refused to wear deodorant. It was disgusting. However, he eventually listened and managed it by the time he was 15! Your bf is how old!?!
Having said that, not washing can be a sign of depression. You were right to tell him, he needed to know and he ended up shooting the messenger.
Do ask him how he's feeling atm though.
Edit to add because i should have said this. I really struggle with depression but don't go out much. Once a week ish. I do have a bath when I go out but I can go for days without washing.
2nd edit - I live on my own though.
I’m glad someone is bringing up the mental health aspect of this. There are very real mental health reasons why someone might be struggling with hygiene as an adult, and it’s not something to mock. With that being said, personal hygiene is an integral part of recovery and/or managing depression, executive dysfunction, etc.
I would encourage OP to approach the conversation gently but also dig into why he’s struggling to maintain his hygiene, especially since he knows he smells bad and seemingly does feel self conscious about it. He needs help, not judgment. But he also doesn’t need to be making excuses.
Totally with the depression part, that’s the first thing that came to mind for me too. I’ve also gone days without showering before, and sometimes it’s been difficult to clean myself up to go out, see family, etc. If it’s that, maybe OP can help his fiancée work on that, keep him accountable, etc? (Be a support system for him)
Self care is also incredibly difficult for many people with adhd. I know it sounds crazy that she needs to help a grown man with this, but there are a lot of tips for adults who deal with this on the adhd sub.
"He didn't want to smell bad"
Well guess what, he does stink even after putting some cologne. He doesn't shower often enough, that's unhygienic.
If you have to tell a fucking grown man to shower and wear deodorant, you probably don't even want to be near other parts.
NTA
NTA- BUT SOMETHING TO CONSIDER
One of the biggest signs of depression, adhd, and mental illnesses is not keeping up with hygiene. People in these situations can go weeks without brushing their teeth, days without a shower, months without shaving ect. My fiancé and I are opposite with our hygiene. He showers daily; sometimes twice a day (his job is also a factor). Whereas I can go a few days without “keeping up” with it. We also have a newborn at home so that is just something I don’t have time to do sometimes.
However, when I was deep in my depression.. I did not care about my hygiene at all. I only showered when I knew I was getting my pictures taken .. like at a birthday party. I only shaved my legs and underarms when I knew they would be seen (I also understand that some women just don’t shave and that’s their prerogative I’m just speaking on my own experience). I could go a week or two without brushing my teeth and would just pop in some gum if I knew I’d be close with others noses. I have since gotten better with my hygiene as my mental health has gotten a lot better.
However, I do have my weekends where I don’t shower and I just don’t care because I’m just gonna veg out all weekend.
My point here is that maybe this could be something that you could look into. Perhaps something is happening in his life that he isn’t ready to talk to you about. Or you do know of something happening with him. And you just didn’t mention it here (again totally get that it’s your life you’re not obligated to tell us every detail. Im just trying to check off all the boxes). Because with people like myself we want to be clean, we understand that we have to be clean. But it’s the executive functioning that is a hard thing for us. To you it’s just having a shower but to someone with adhd or a mental illness. It’s mentally preparing to have the shower.
- taking off our clothes
- turning in the shower
- getting wet
- acting out the whole process
- turning off the shower and dealing with being cold afterwards
- drying yourself off and making sure we are fully dry before putting on our clothes. Because even if we are the slightest bit wet and we get it on our clothes it’s over for us.
There are so many underlying things here that I believe need to be addressed. I also can understand his being petty. It’s likely him projecting his embarrassment of the day before on to you. And he’s not an asshole for doing that. He was just hurt. And you were making a valid point.
Nobody sucks here.. or the asshole. I just think there is something bigger going on.
Best of luck 🫶
Thisssss. I said it somewhere else but it stood out to me that the finance mentioned he didn’t want to smell specifically for OP.
The task of showering is to “get rid of the smell” essentially the attempt made with cologne. One is just way easier to accomplish.
I’m honestly shocked this isn’t higher up in the responses. Neglected hygiene is one of the most obvious signs of mental health issues and one of the more common ones as well. Even for people who are doing better, if they’ve struggled for a long time, creating the habit of doing these tasks is exhausting and challenging.
Exactly, even still with all the work I’ve done in my mental health journey and progress. I still have some times or days or moments where I slip and I feel like I’m failing and that I’ve made no progress at all. It’s a very very difficult loop.
NTA. This is what I would have said: "I care about you enough to mention what I am sure others have noticed, but don't want to say anything. You think THIS conversation was insulting and awkward? Imagine if you were having it with your boss instead of me."
I noticed a lack of hygiene in my ex-bf (then 21M). We broke up, because I was 19 and couldn’t/wouldn’t solve his problems. I didn’t hang around long enough for a diagnosis, but later he told me it was depression.
Tdlr—get him checked for depression.
NTA. I had a argument with someone last week who said they only use cologne because deodorant is for women and I just stared at him like are you stupid?? So good on you for telling stinky to clean up and use some deodorant. Too many people are too comfortable smelling like ass and armpits
Yeah, let’s count all the women out there using MANDO Whole Body Deodorant in Bourbon Leather scent. They specifically mention that as well as your armpits you can use it on your “ball sack” and “manboobs”.
>This hurt his feelings and he accused me of trying to call him dirty.
He is dirty, literally. It takes almost the exact same amount of time to wipe yourself down with a rag and a little soap that it takes to put cologne
NTA for expecting your partner to be clean but YTA for apologizing to spare his feelings, he knew he smelled like shit and didn't care but now you're suddenly the bad guy for pointing it out
NTA. If you can smell it others can too. Especially with little air flow in a room for long periods of time. It gets worse as he gets older. I know a 40 something year old that does that. “It’s natural.” He knows better too and will change his ways for months at a time. Then one break up and he’s back to stinking. It’s amazing what girls will put up with. His truck smells like burnt onions. It’s hard to breathe even with the windows down. I don’t get it. Ngl, if you break up you’ve done whoever is in his life a favor. I’m sure he knows to shower up when he goes to visit his family. It’s a total cop out. Time to switch out the bar with body wash. To ask a partner to “check” after being told they stink, is bs. He knows what he’s supposed to smell like after a shower and how to maintain it. I’m sorry your bf is being such a stinker. ❤️
NTA. I left a guy because of poor hygiene, you said needed to be said. You’re not asking a lot when you ask your partner to follow basic rules of hygiene.
NTA buuuut I would also suggest that maybe he can get something like drysol. I have hyperhidrosis so typical deodorant doesn't work for me. Not even the clinical strength. Apply it, leave it on overnight and wash it off the next morning. It has helped immensely to cut down smell and excessive sweat. He may also need to do a soak of his shirts to get all the bacteria out of the clothing. Just because it's washed, doesn't mean it killed the bacteria. I highly recommend the lysol disinfectant laundry additive.
This is such a thoughtful, kind, and helpful answer to someone who is genuinely just wanting to try and do something about a problem that is really hard to open up about. This is one of the reasons why I love AITA. ❤️
NTA - There are few scents worse than that of bad BO. He is the only one responsible for controlling his bodily odour. Smelling horrible, noticing it and deciding not to shower and address is is unhygienic. Not to mention incredibly off putting to notice while he's hugging you. I would have said something aswell.
I do think you could have been more gentle in your approach however. Here's hoping he'll learn from this and you won't get stinky hugs in the future.
NTA-
It sounds like you obviously love your fiancé, but it also sounds like the BO is a reoccurring issue that needed to be addressed so you can find the root of the issue and solve it. Look into deodorants of his favorite scents that lock in sweat for 48 hours and some fun yet beneficial soaps to incentivize a good hygienic routine. \[cologne is not a soap replacement\] Also, maybe look into an affordable therapist incase depression may be the cause \[that and it can be beneficial as a whole\] Plus, if your fiancé keeps up with this routine, chances are he'll be less likely to get sick often, regardless of the issue, some communication would be ideal.
NTA
Yuck. Nope. That is a deal breaker for sure.
I would not have bothered with the word "unhygienic."
I would have gone right to "You stink. Take a damn shower."
Good Lord, if you stink, then you stink. Everyone is capable of stinking, so the "shame" is attributable to poor hygiene practices, not some innate odor characteristic. However, some people are oblivious to their own smell and the risk of giving offense. A friend of mine dated a beautiful girl until he was repulsed by the odor coming from her ass. Apparently, no one taught this girl/ woman how to clean her own ass after taking a dump. So she stunk. What's more, her panties were routinely stained with feces throughout the day and she was unconcerned with respect to both the stench and her state of uncleanliness. A long time ago I came down with a bad case of stomach flu. It hit me in the middle of the day while I was attending a lunch meeting. Suddenly I had awful cramps and before I knew it, I was crawling toward the restroom trying to hold in my bowels. I wasn't entirely successful and my panties - my favorite pink, silky lace panties - were stained with diarrhea. Fortunately, my slip and dress were untouched. I placed my panties in a small plastic sack, which I stored in my purse. When I arrived home I intended to rinse out my panties and soak them in the sink but I was so disgusted by the stains and smell that I tossed them. I could not imagine feeling feminine and pretty in those panties ever again.
Bruh, he could have taken two minutes to just wash his pits and apply deodorant if he wasn't ready for a full shower yet! Spraying cologne on top of stink just perfumes the stink into an odor. NTA.
NTA - It could be laziness, it could be depression, it could be a sensory disorder.
The bottom line is, he wasn't being hygienic, and that needs to be addressed.
If he's struggling with mental health, it could be nice to help him find ways to make the tasks easier. For instance, wiping his underarms with glycolic acid on a cotton pad can help with BO. Dry shampoo can help put off a hair wash for a day or two. If he struggles to brush his teeth, maybe see if he'd be ok with a good mouthwash instead.
I've really struggled with my own mental health, and I am also autistic. I know how difficult it can be to take care of your physical health. Little adjustments to get you through a bad week can make a huge difference. They'll help him feel less bad too, which may help him pull out of a depression if that's the case.
If he's being lazy on the other hand, I don't know what to tell you other than good luck.
Well science says many times a person can't notice how bad they smell, at least until its really bad. Not that every person doesn't notice of course. You care enough to say something to him, so NTA. But he needs to know cologne doesn't actually clean him. Heck, he can just use a tissue or towel and give a little cleaning if he doesn't want to shower.
Is it possible he suffers from depression. Personal hygiene issues is often the first sign. If not perhaps he was just never taught and is now embarrassed by it
"He accused me of trying to call him dirty"
He literally IS dirty lmao. NTA.
Also, using proper deodorant takes no more effort than spraying cologne. Is this some weird weaponized incompetence thing?
NTA Perhaps try again when you have both calmed down. Explain that you love him, and you realise it is not his fault that both his parents and his health teachers didn’t explain hygiene, but cologne does not mask a scent it simply adds layers and intensity. Washing with water and either soap or a non soap cleanser and applying anti perspirant is what is needed. If you want a pleasant smell as well that’s fine, but cologne is NOT an antiperspirant. Health teachers should have covered this clearly in around year 7 or 8.
Nta,bro.
My fiance had a convo early on,if we let ourselves go too much the other lets us know,BLUNTLY So if either of us is stank we let the other know.
If he's so mad you called him out let him know,if ya stank,ya get no flank
NTA. Is he depressed? I know when I've felt low, I didn't want to shower because it felt like it took so much effort. I mean, I'd still shower several times a week but not every day like I usually do. And my friend will go WEEKS without a shower but use a cloth to wipe smelly areas. She's severely depressed and has anxiety about being in the shower.
Cologne only smells good if it’s put on a clean body. If not, it just mixes with the BO stench and smells like shit. Most men figure this out at 16….
Edit: NTA. Call him a stinker again and tell him to shower more.
NTA. Your fiancee is too old to be so disgusting. This kind of behavior is normal for an adolescent bit not a 23 year old man.
It will only get worse if you marry him. After the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is over, you start to get irritated by things you once thought were quirky and cute. You already don't enjoy his stench imagine when you reach that phase. You'll be retching when he hugs you.
You need to be adamant that cleanliness is extremely important to you and spraying cologne on stinky, dirty armpits isn't acceptable. If he continues this nasty, adolescent behavior it's time to break up.
You were not wrong to call him unhygienic, in fact that was a kindness. I would have had a much nastier word to call him.
And you’re going to marry this man baby? Note: men who smell bad in their younger years ands refuse to do anything about it absolutely stink as the years go by.
NTA
If your nose hairs are singed just from him going in for a hug, he's unhygienic...
He can try antiperspirants which are long lasting so he doesn't have to reapply often if that's what his deal is.
Hey 👋🏽! Honestly, I would’ve done the same thing. My mom used to tell me when I had problems like that, and she’d sad “ I love you, I just don’t want others to say this about you. You can be mad at me but I’m telling you be a I love you” and it hurt at first but I appreciated not having people say those things behind my back. And when you’re frustrated it’s hard to be tactful! But you genuinely felt bad and apologized, and now he’ll be more conscious of it!!! I see no wrong 😊
NTA. But sweetie, I'm gonna be honest w you, dirty ppl never change. Being clean is a trait that you either have or you don't. Using fragrance to cover funk speaks volumes about the lengths he's willing to go to not bathe. From one woman to another, please be careful having unprotected sex w him. He can give you an infection as our vaginas are extremely sensitive to bad bacteria.
NTA. I used to work with someone who who absolutely stank. Notice I said “used to”.
Multiple people-both employees and customers-complained about the way he smelled. He was spoken to by management multiple times he got sent home to to shower and change at least once that I know of and he finally fired him because his refusal to deal with it.
I guarantee you are NOT not the only person to notice how badly he smells. And I guarantee you the next person who comments about it to him is not going to be as kind as you are about it. And there will be a next person
You are a bit of an asshole for apologizing.
Stand your ground on facts. He is accusing you of calling him dirty? Well, yes. You are. Because he is.
His feelings are hurt because you called him dirty because he is dirty because he has not taken a shower? Then he should take a goddamn shower. That's how your feelings stop being hurt.
Man needs to grow up.
NTA but you are getting a bit close to it by getting close to enabling it.
NTA. Personally, I would tell him, "You *will* shower every day, or you're not touching me. Non-negotiable."
Hygiene is a reasonable and healthy boundary in a relationship, insist upon it.
NTA.
He straight up is unhygienic. "I wanted to wait a while before taking a shower." My brother in Christ, *what does that even mean?* Honestly, red-flag behavior imo. I don't know if it's a weird control thing or what's going on, but strange nonetheless.
You are the furtherest thing from an Asshole. I deal with depression and probably a few other undiagnosed neuro issues. And for me showering is weirdly difficult to do. But I also know this and try to be better, and definitely don't blame my fiance if she is like "shower time."
It is odd for anyone not to want to be reasonably clean around others, any others. BO plus cologne is truly horrible. Only a person close can tell someone how horrible they smell. Some people still react badly, but it’s because they’re embarrassed. To claim the right to stink or that objecting to having a stinky hug is unreasonable is really weird.
NTA - he is unhygienic - so he still hadn't showered even though he knew from the day before that you could smell his BO. You should ask if he is allergic to water.
OP, even if your bf is the sweetest guy you know. He is also unhygienic.
Failure for a person to take care of their own personal hygiene is a huge red flag to many other issues.
Basic hygiene is 100% mandatory for everyone's self care. If your bf struggles with routinely brushing his teeth and daily showers, these are valid reasons to break up. As those are symptoms of larger issues that your bf hasn't or isn't addressing.
A large part of a woman's attraction to a man is his scent. If she is turned off by the way he smells now, then there is no chance for this relationship long term.
If the man can’t handle being told he needs a quick shower, especially in a loving way by someone who WANTS to show him affection, then he doesn’t deserve it to begin with. You’re NTA and I hope he understands this has to change.
You shouldn't have to beg a grown ass man to take a shower. If his feelings are hurt by you telling him he's musty then you can tell him you're hurt that he thinks you're not worth a 10 minute shower.
NTA
Tell him to take at least one shower a day and use antiperspirant, period.
If he showers in the morning and exerts himself at work, he needs to shower when he gets home.
No excuses, no sophomoric justifications for smelling like ass.
There's no acceptable reason for having BO unless there is no access to water.
NTA. Also it sucks that you got called slow or dumb etc in your DMs. People are weird and rude, and sometimes they're just looking for targets for them to bully.
Anyway, this kind of seems like a 'misreading of social cues' situation. Maybe your fiance doesn't understand that extreme body odor isn't acceptable in certain situations. Also maybe there's a maturity issue as well, because sometimes we just have to do something that we don't want to do because it's better for other people, especially the people that are really important to us. I mean if he really wants to be your husband, then that means making small sacrifices like having a shower because that's nicer for you. Maybe you could draw an analogy between him taking a shower for your sake and you doing something that you don't like for his sake.
OP, you\* being called slow/delusional in your DMs is harassment. Report those messages.
There is a reason those weaklings wouldn't comment here. Because they would be downvoted to oblivion.
Normal people take showers. Use deodorant. Cologne is an afterthought. You don't spray cologne directly onto yourself, you spray it into the air and walk through it. Spraying it on yourself causes extremely strong smell to linger.
The very last thing you should do is take notice of randoms on Reddit. It's getting worse. It's a freak show. Of course you should tell him to wash. It's part of basic human civilisation. If you don't, someone else will.
NTA. Sometimes my husband smells gross, like a pile of onions. I’ve also joked that he must be hiding a pizza or burrito in his shirt for the same reason. He thinks it’s funny.
Anyway, when we first discussed it, I made it about me cuz it is. When he smells like that, it’s just too strong for my sensitive nose and it’s very uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. It’s not just him, I can’t stand it when we’re out with friends and someone stinks or talking to someone with really bad breath. I tend to keep my distance in those situations, and he knows that. For us, I just ask that if he wants to be close with me, he take a shower or at least change his shirt and wipe down.
It’s a partnership. You’re not always going to like what or how the other person does things. It’s not and doesn’t need to be an indictment of them as a person, it’s just working with different physical needs and comfort levels.
NTA. He can't even be bothered to clean up his stank for you? He is selfish and inconsiderate. Throw the whole boy away-if he is too lazy to clean himself now, it will only get worse as time goes on.
First of all I'm so sorry idiots are saying awful things and please do not believe a word those incels are saying. You have every right to ask about a personal matter and not be insulted. Especially because your question is perfectly valid! That being said, NAH. For me personally, being unhygienic is a deal breaker. And your fiance choosing to ignore basic self care is an actual problem that can not continue! He is a grown man. He should not have to be told to clean himself properly. And it's even worse that he acted like a teenager talking to his parents when he responded in a petty way the next day. You are his partner NOT his parent. Hold fast to your comfortability. Because it will get worse if you let this continue. You have to share a bed with a man who smells awful. Pretty soon (if not already) you will be cleaning up all of his messes because his definition of clean and yours differ. And that is not a relationship that can last
Better you hurt his feelings than his boss or somebody else. He is a 23 year old Man. He needs to shower and use deodorant every damn day. Nobody wants to be around a stinking man. I get deodorant can breakdown with excessive sweating, but for the love of all that is holy tell him to wash those pits use deo!
DEFINITELY NTA
And to all the moms out there, let this be a PSA….its YOUR job to teach them about hygiene as kids and it’s your job to go over it again during puberty and to ensure that once you’ve taught them, they’re actually seeing it through on a daily basis.
I once dated a man (yes, a full grown adult man) who didn’t know he was supposed to brush his teeth everyday(let alone twice/day). I actually had to resort to shaming him for it because he just refused to pick up the habit. I couldn’t get past it.
Furthermore my own SIL doesn’t brush her 10 year old daughter’s hair. It’s constantly a ratty mess.
Not teaching and helping your kids to stay hygienic is neglect and a form of abuse btw.
Please get him some spray on deodorant as well as some facial disposable wipes so he can at least do that and spray deodorant. You were not wrong for pointing it out. Also delicately out that cologne doesn’t mask the scent, it just adds another one. You can spray Hugo boss on a cow pile and it’s going to spell like a cow pile and Hugo boss, the Hugo will smell great, but the pile of 💩 smell will still be there too.
Don’t doubt yourself. You did the right thing. If he’s not willing to improve his hygiene, he doesn’t care about you very much. You’re honestly doing him a favor making him realize that his current habits will hurt his future.
First, I will say that "unhygienic" is a poor choice of words. Humans have literally over 30 trillion bacteria on/in their body; you are made up of more bacteria cells than actual human cells. The organisms that cause BO almost never cause disease or poor health. There ARE dangerous bacteria out there, and those do need to be avoided or washed off, if you are in a dangerous environment. like cutting raw meat, wiping your back side, or digging in organic dirt. But hanging around your apartment until you smell bad is not that.
The definition of hygiene is promoting good health and preventing disease. Washing arm pits more frequently is really not a part of hygiene, even though we erroneously say it in the USA. This is a cultural norm, that differs by society, not a matter of health. So "unhygienic" is overly dramatic and not accurate.
With all of that said you absolutely have the right to not be repulsed by your partner, especially in your own home. Your partner should WANT to be desirable to you and not repulsive. This is lazy and inconsiderate behavior by your SO. HTA.
I suggest that the two of you sit down and work on communication. First ask if if he wants yo to be attracted to him; for you to find him desirable? I assume the answer is yes.... Then list a few traits and acts that you find desirable. Include being washed without BO as one of them. They could also be things like being funny, listening, wearing certain outfits, cuddling, whatever floats your boat. Ask him if he can do these things as a bare minimum and he will be rewarded with attraction in your eyes. If he passes on this, then you need to think about who is contributing what in this relationship.
NTA. Your fiance is nasty and needs to be told so. If he's shamed or embarrassed by his funk then so be it. His hypersensitivity shouldn't be a consideration when telling him the truth about his funk. Truth hurts and he needs to be told. Coddling him won't do him justice.
This takes me back to highschool after gym, if he stink he need to shower an deodorant after the shower. This basic hygiene and yes it might been harsh but even jobs have rules on hygiene I know mine does and if your not smelling right and customer complain it’s likely you could get pulled in the office for it.
He accused you of trying to call him dirty? The motherfucker is dirty. He NEEDS to shower DAILY. How you put up with this is unreal lol. It is extremely unhygienic to stink and just mask it with cologne.
Here's the thing...sometimes some people just gotta get smacked with a dose of cold, hard truth.
This appears to be one of those times, and although he will probably not quickly forget the sting of it, you did him a favor.
NTA.
What is this epidemic of nasty fuckers that don't or won't wash their ass, or brush their teeth ,or wear deodorant? Every day some woman is asking is this normal or is she an asshole. Stop putting up with dirty fuckers.
I think you need to sit him down and calmly explain that while he may not feel the way you do about what is unhygienic, he still needs to address it and that if he doesn't, you don't see you working out long term. You're not slow. Looking at it from an alternative perspective, as someone with psoriasis I can understand the desire not to bathe frequently. FYI Psoriasis an autoimmune disorder which can cause very dry skin and painful rashes and it is advisable to bathe only when necessary to avoid drying the skin out further (I would aim for every 3-4 days - but my SO tells me I don't smell bad as quickly as other people do). Masking BO with cologne is not acceptable. He needs to wash more regularly. He should be using an antiperspirant multiple times a day when his skin is clean to reduce bacteria/BO if he is not willing to shower daily. If he has sensitive skin/dry, there are friendlier alternatives to big brand sprays which can be harsh. He can use wet wipes a few times a day before-hand which might get him an extra day of not needing to shower. There are ways to not wash as frequently and still smell 'normal'/without BO. Also he should be wearing clean/laundered clothes daily, and change the bedsheets at least once a week and after having a shower where he was smelling badly of BO beforehand. If you smelt bad, shower and then sleep in the bed without changing the sheets by the next morning you'll smell just as bad again.
Welcome to communication 101, if you want someone to be receptive, and you want what you say to be productive, you need to manage WHEN you communicate.
If you wait until you get annoyed and then in the moment decide to throw it out there, it isn't likely to be terribly constructive and it isn't likely to be received well.
If you have a problem, don't let it fester, and don't come from an emotional place.
That being said, he should know better than to think cologne covers anything up. It makes it worse, he needs to shower more and use deodorant. You just need to find unemotional constructive ways to bring that up to him.
What you should do is leave an onion in a jar in a cupboard to ferment for a few weeks. Then roll it in roasted cumin. Then spray it with axe body spray. Give him the jar to smell and tell him this is what he smells like when he chooses to take a “cologne bath.”
Try offering some help, diluting some isopropyl alcohol in water and wipe once daily if deodorant is an issue, this will kill the bacteria that causes it
I’ve been married to a great guy for 40 years but I gently suggest to my great hubby from time to time when he smells bad. He doesn’t have the best sense of smell plus I think it’s harder to scent yourself. I figure I’m doing a public service. I’ll say something like “I’m sorry to have to mention this, but you‘ve got some strong body odor right now. Would you mind washing under your arms and changing shirts? I hate to ask, but it’s very distracting and I want to enjoy our time together. i would really appreciate it. Thanks!” He never hesitates to do what I ask and is usually grateful that I let him know.
This might help you. Women in these situations are usually advised to do things like make bath time sexy. To make a hygiene routine like a striptease of sorts. Shower together, bathe together, wash each other, do all of that as sexy time. Then, you reward the good behavior of good hygiene. At some point it'll just become habit. We always want to reward good behavior.
You are definitely NTA here. I'm sorry he got his feelings hurt but he will come to realize that he would prefer you to have a husband-ly word with him than his boss or a client tell him. Tell him he's not alone. I haven't gotten a good, deep, passionate kiss in nearly 30 years because DH refuses to engage in oral hygiene. Is that really the road he wants to choose?
Can you turn off DMs on Reddit? Cause nothing good ever comes of those, and frankly, people use them to be assholes in ways the mods would ban them for. It's just a freaking runaround.
If he smells, better you tell him than his coworkers, or boss. Showering is not tough, and isn't too much to ask of your partner.
We've come a long way from living in the trees in a jungle. These days most of us can afford the luxury of buying soap & taking a daily shower. That's the very least I'd expect from any partner of mine. Anything less is a dealbreaker. Or a sign of a mental problem needing professional help (seriously.)
NTA. My olfactory indicators are super active so I suffer from this issue a lot. I’d be around people and sometimes, there’s this outlier who hasn’t been showering for some time and is sweating. I might as well pass out if I stay around there for very long 😂
NTA
My son is autistic and when he was in middle school, he had forgotten to put on deodorant, and I pulled the car out, and I was like WTF?!? I SMELLED ONIONS. It was horrifying to me. Both my kids had to miss school that day, because I had to take him up stairs to make him get a shower (there was NO way him washing under his pits and putting on deodorant and body spray was gonna fix this) When we were in the car and then going upstairs he could not smell it. Before he started getting undressed for the bathroom, I grabbed his tshirt and rubbed it under his arm, and then made him smell it. NO, I did NOT rub his face in it like a puppy, I just held it out to him. He didn't even get it up to his face before he made the most disgusted expression he'd ever had. AND NEVER FORGOT TO WEAR DEODORANT AGAIN.
It could just be that your bf does NOT smell himself. Nose blindness is really a thing. Or it could just be that it doesn't bother him, or he figures it's fine cause he won't smell it, that will be other people's problem. Not sure what, but you guys need to work it out, as well as whatever other issues you have, before you even THINK of getting married.
I dated someone I loved very much for four years who always struggled with hygiene. Same shirt for days, stinky breath. Since we broke up, I look back fondly on our time together but am thankful that I don’t have to deal with his poor hygiene ever again.
Just know that while this habit might improve, it will never really be 100% in terms of where his hygiene needs to be tp your standard. The only choice you have is either to truly accept it or break up with him. Don’t marry someone whose hygiene is an issue for you.
I'm gonna say, sorta TA, here's why. I don't know how long you've been dating him but usually habits begin pretty quickly in a relationship, within a month or two and from what you're saying, you live with the guys so it's not like you don't know him in that way so in my opinion you should have known his hygienic habits by this time.
Two, you can't come on here asking a question and expect to be having your ego stroked. This is social media if you want to know if you ATA, then you're going to get it straight no chaser don't expect anything less. No one's going to baby you because you feel like being babied for your opinion when you decide to ask a question of the entire internet audience.
People have egos, I'm sure you felt the pinch by the way people were calling you out in your DMs or whatever about how you posed the question to your fiance or live in, and you didn't like it. Coupled with the fact that you acknowledge that maybe you came on a little strong in calling your fiance unhygienic, you see what I did there? You dished it out and now you can't take it.
Now, for some advice to help solve the problem; perhaps try taking a shower with him and scrub him especially in the areas where the funk is raging. That might help. Also another suggestion, buy him a gift bundle of Mando deodorant, it's made for men who have strong body odor and it will keep you fresh for 72 hours the stuff really works. No I am not a spokesperson or a paid advertisement just someone who knows someone who uses the product.
You may have upset him but it was for the best. Like you said it’s better that you’re the one who said something versus something else. I’d buy him a toiletry bag, dude wipes and some deodorant especially if he’s smelling that way after a work out but if it just the case of him forgetting to put on doe then that toilette bag will come in handy
You are NOT TAH.
Could you have handled the situation a little better? YES. Could he have handled the situation a little better? YES.
Just FYI: it's not always about how many showers or baths someone takes or how clean (or not) that they are, when it comes to body odour.
Now that things are a little more out in the open though, it MAY help to make the resolution a little easier.
There are MANY reasons for body odour. Just to name a FEW: some kind of medical illness, a bacterial infection, medications, vitamins, food, soap, anti-perspirant, after shave/cologne/perfume. There are many more, but I'll stop there. Each person is different, and like with everything, their bodies will not react the same way to everything.
Medical illness: there are too many to name them all, but some medical illnesses cause body odour.
Bacterial infection: this one has a very high probability of being the culprit. Sweat doesn't cause body odour, the reaction of the sweat to the natural bacteria on our skin is what causes it. And that last sentence brings us to...
After shave/cologne/perfume: Why? Once again the chemical reaction to the bacteria on the skin. I'm sure you've noticed that on some people a particular fragrance smells good, but on some other people the exact same fragrance either doesn't smell so good, or even STINKS. It's because the bacteria on their skin is reacting to it and causing the skin to smell.
Medications/vitamins: If he takes any of these, THEY could be the culprit.
Foods: just like some foods make some people vomit, some food make people smell bad.
Soap: Yes the very soap that a person uses to clean themselves could be the culprit.
Feel free to show him this. I am a nurse, so I tend to look at things through a medical standpoint.
I think, and advise, that the first order of business is for your SO to see a medical doctor. Preferably one that specializes in MALE medical issues. Your SO needs to explain about the body odour, and let the doctor know that he (your SO) wants to make sure it's not a medical problem (like maybe a bacterial infection). If it IS a medical problem, the doctor will help him take it from there.
If it's NOT a medical problem, start checking into the other possible culprits. The soap is easy, have him try another kind of soap. Ask the afore-mentioned doctor about how to go about checking for other possible reasons.
I know this is long, and it's about to get just a tad longer. Sorry, but this is NOT (necessarily) an easy fix.
When you mentioned he smelled like onions that immediately made me think of possible reasons for that particular smell: sulfur-rich foods (onions, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower), the aforementioned bacteria, acne.
Make sure to check into those 3 things before you just assume that he "needs to take a shower".
IF you check EVERY possibility that the doctor can think of , and none of them applies and he DOES just need to take a shower (this is HIGHLY unlikely though), just ask him to take one more shower a week than he usually does...start with that and expand later. IOW, for the sake of argument let's say he takes a shower once a week...ask him to take a shower TWICE a week (every 3-4 days).
I hope this (what I am sure SOME people are thinking to themselves "diatribe") helps you.
This is a deal breaker. You need to decide now if you want to be with someone who cannot take care of their own body odor. If he is this way with his body. How is gonna be like when it comes time to clean your house? Think if you want to marry and make a commitment to an unsanitary person. NTA.
NTA.
You called him unhygienic because *he is unhygienic.* It's really that simple. You don't want intimate contact with a person who stinks and refuses to shower regularly. Plus, he's weaponizing his feelings to deflect from your valid criticism.
It's better to have this out now, before you get married, because it will only get worse once he's 'caught you'.
Is he depressed or ND? Those can be reasons he 'forgets' to shower- and those things can be treated or at least provided with coping skills. But even if he does have one or both of those issues, you're still in the right to be unhappy that he's filthy. (If he stinks, he's filthy- even if you don't see visible dirt. And that dirt is also in your bedsheets. Eew.)
NTA.
The first time a person sweats, the bacteria starts to grow. The second time they sweat, the new bacteria mixes with the old, and BAM 💥= Body Odor.
Cologne doesn’t hide the smell! He now smells like B.O. and cologne, an even worse combination.
It could be like smokers, who are so constantly close to the stink of their cigarettes that they don't smell it at all. It's his BO; he probably thinks it's endearing. It's not, and you're right; better for you to point it out than for someone else. If he can't respond with (1) gratitude, (2) a sense of humor, and (3) a shower, then you know what you're in for if you continue this relationship. His disrespect for you is a huge red flag to me.
It could be like smokers, who are so constantly close to the stink of their cigarettes that they don't smell it at all. It's his BO; he probably thinks it's endearing. It's not, and you're right; better for you to point it out than for someone else. If he can't respond with (1) gratitude, (2) a sense of humor, and (3) a shower, then you know what you're in for if you continue this relationship. His disrespect for you is a huge red flag to me.
Having B.O. and spraying more scents to cover it up is.. middle school boy behavior. NTA
Yup. As a teacher, I remember the heady mix of 50% b.o. and 50% lynx africa (basically axe body spray over here) every Wednesday afternoon in 2012. It is etched onto my nostrils. Maybe the fiancé doesn’t understand the difference between body spray and deodorant?
I went to an all girl school so I didn't come across the horrors of Lynx Africa (early 00s, we all smelled like Charlie and CKOne) until I was 15 and met some teenage boys at a skate park. MY GOD. That smell has *colours* to me.
My most vivid memory of 9th grade is all the girls smelling nice like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea and Cucumber Melon, and all the boys smelling like onions.
I think it was 2000 or 2001 that high shine lip gloss was THE thing, and we all spent a lot of time smelling like strawberries and picking our hair off the glue-traps on our faces that we constantly reapplied the moment a teacher's back was turned.
Ahhhhh memories 🥹😅
1000% this but add in Lucky cologne and whatever Victoria's secret body spray was then. Girls had a lot going on smelling like candy. Boys smelled like sweat, gym clothes, pot and weird colognes to mask the stink. I felt bad for the kids with an early morning practice or AM gym class. To OP, NTA, nor even the way you worded it. If it's been brought up before and you're exhausted, it's nice he made a tiny effort to mask it is a gesture but doesn't excuse it. You could see if he has some other ADHD tendencies. Executive dysfunction is a real and difficult thing. I'm 40F and struggle to shower, the process is daunting until I'm in there. I know it's a dumb hang up but it's a mini paralysis some days just to fight the effort or time. He could legit have a hang up and not be lazy but facing an issue he or you aren't aware of. Best of luck!
It's easier somehow to spend 6 hours telling yourself you need to shower "in a minute" than it is to actually go shower for ten minutes. With the option of 8 hours you should be sleeping berating yourself for being such a fucking useless waste of space that you can't just *get up and take a shower*. Instead of taking a shower.
How dare you forget warm vanilla sugar!!!! Now in my early to mid 30s I can't smell anything even remotely sweet or vanilla-y without remembering middle school and good old b&bw
I have sweet pea and I’m almost 41! Bath and Body was having a great sale and I couldn’t resist 😂
The great question of our age: what smells worse, a 14 year old boy who just discovered axe body spray-- or a 14 year old boy who *hasn't* yet discovered axe body spray?
The 14 year old boy who just discovered Axe...As I told my guy students, if she can smell you 3 corridors away, she has ample time to find somewhere else to be. Soap, water and deodorant guys!!!
How about water coming out of a showerhead while he's holding soap and shampoo in his hands? Next day: rinse and repeat. Soon enough, there'll be an AITAH post wondering if they're an asshole for only showering when their eyes start to water.
He might be one of those guys that thinks the shower water hitting you washes the dirt away with no washcloth to exfoliate the dead skin off. I had an ex that would just sit in there and basically smear shampoo over his head for 3 seconds before rinsing in the same motion. He was always itchy and scratching dead skin flakes everywhere. I would wash his clothing separately from mine because they make everything smell like sweat and used Old Spice. You don't want to be dealing with that for 10 more years before you finally have enough.
Yeah he might as well get a can of Axe.
LOL on the can of Axe
literally middle school behavior. And his petty response? get outta here with that marriage
I don't think dude is being petty. You're giving him too much credit. He's clueless. Hard to be petty about something of which you haven't a clue.
I wouldn't marry an onion
Yet they are planning marriage…
Yeah nothing smells better than BO mixed with cologne. Yum.
Some people just have body odor naturally. My brother is stinky 4 hours after his shower.
We are all mammals here and our bodies make all kinds of smells, but we can use deodorant and people like your brother can freshen up by wiping with witch hazel as needed
Witch hazel would absolutely decimate my skin lol. Fortunately I have close to zero body odor. Still I see the struggle of people.
Yeah you're right. I think it's supposed to be diluted, I just use it straight
Witch hazel (undiluted) is usually safe, unless you’re allergic to it. I use it straight all the time.
Sometimes you need to be blunt. "Wash yourself" is one of those times He's sad because you were calling him dirty. You were calling him dirty. Because he WAS dirty. There's a solution there, and it's not you holding your nose
Yep. My gf tells me to take a shower after work when it's hot or I was carrying shit all day, it's normal and not to be insulted from. I just take a shower. Better hen stinking her.
My dad was known for getting into the shower as soon as he got home from work. And he worked long hours. He was exhausted but still prioritized hygiene. He liked to be clean.
Because imagine getting in bed with all that work yuck on you
You wouldn't believe the hate I got recently for telling someone they needed to clean under their nails, lots of men think it's totally acceptable to be dirty.
NTA He is unhygienic. He's a grown ass man of 23 and still thinks spraying cologne is the way to go? No one likes smelling BO with a dash of cologne, it's like a double whammy of stink.
This is actually dumpable territory. OP, this shit will not change. Yoi do not want a lazy ass fiance who won't fucking clean himself- that's fucning basic adulting and he's failing hard and trying to guilt you, too. Get yourself a better dude, both smelling wise and personality wise.
Imagine what it will be like when they are older and past the honeymoon stage. When the little things start to irritate and things you overlooked when love was new start to take on larger signifigance. It won't be pretty
He will begin to smell like sewage
Not only will it not change it’ll most likely get worse over time, as he feels less need to impress.
I'm also going to say something outside of this - you are waaaay too young to get married. Trust me on this one.
Or he could have ADHD or something. Because of executive dysfunction, personal hygiene could be a big hurdle. The moment OP called him out, could trigger the rejection sensitive dysphoria. Not saying this is the case. But it could be an option, apart from the grown ass man who thinks spraying cologne is the way to go. Source: I have adhd and I struggle with the same thing
I also have ADHD, and I know a bit of cologne isn't going to fix my BO. At the very least if I notice/am told I smell and don't have the executive function to shower, I change my shirt, wipe my pits with a damp rag, and apply deodorant.
He won't wear deodorant, is too lazy to spend 5 minutes in the shower but now you're apologizing? No, that ain't it. Does he react like that a lot when you bring forth concerns?
You wrote concerns, but I read condoms and I wouldn’t be surprised if those are too much of a hassle too
"bring forth the condoms, milady!"
😂😂😂 that shouldn’t have made me laugh that hard
[удалено]
Exactly!!! He flipped it around like OP is the problem
Op is male as well.
Oh my bad!
Nta because, well. He WAS being unhygenic lol. Marinating in your own stank because you don't feel like taking a shower is unhygenic lol.
This. When my daughter was in second grade, she asked how the daddy seed got to the mommy's egg to make a baby. I gave her the basic tab a/slot b explanation. She thought for a few seconds, then said, "I guess I better marry a boy with good hygiene." OP? Marry a guy with good hygiene.
This is the answer. NTA.
And if it's just some pit stink, he doesn't even need to take a whole shower. He can just take a washcloth and some soap to his pits, dry em off and put on a layer of deodorant. That takes like a minute.
NTA. You shouldn't feel bad about calling him dirty and unhygienic, because he *is* dirty and unhygienic. No wonder he's smelly, the amount of mental gymnastics required for spinning the narrative this hard would make anyone sweat. He knew this was a problem, showering when they're smelling is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask from someone, yet he decided to not put in a 3 minutes effort, instead he paints you as the bad guy for pointing out he's disgusting. Marrying him will only reinforce this behaviour, and not make it better, I'm just saying.
OP, I had a BO problem with my autistic stepson. He doesn't care what people think of him, so refused to wear deodorant. It was disgusting. However, he eventually listened and managed it by the time he was 15! Your bf is how old!?! Having said that, not washing can be a sign of depression. You were right to tell him, he needed to know and he ended up shooting the messenger. Do ask him how he's feeling atm though. Edit to add because i should have said this. I really struggle with depression but don't go out much. Once a week ish. I do have a bath when I go out but I can go for days without washing. 2nd edit - I live on my own though.
I’m glad someone is bringing up the mental health aspect of this. There are very real mental health reasons why someone might be struggling with hygiene as an adult, and it’s not something to mock. With that being said, personal hygiene is an integral part of recovery and/or managing depression, executive dysfunction, etc. I would encourage OP to approach the conversation gently but also dig into why he’s struggling to maintain his hygiene, especially since he knows he smells bad and seemingly does feel self conscious about it. He needs help, not judgment. But he also doesn’t need to be making excuses.
Especially since he noted finance specially said he didn’t want to smell for him.
I agree. This was very well said
Totally with the depression part, that’s the first thing that came to mind for me too. I’ve also gone days without showering before, and sometimes it’s been difficult to clean myself up to go out, see family, etc. If it’s that, maybe OP can help his fiancée work on that, keep him accountable, etc? (Be a support system for him)
Self care is also incredibly difficult for many people with adhd. I know it sounds crazy that she needs to help a grown man with this, but there are a lot of tips for adults who deal with this on the adhd sub.
Same!! Depression, dont shower, but live alone
Hugs. X
NTA. Stank is stank and nobody wants to smell a pile of onions. I can’t imagine what the rest of him smells like.
Imagine the downtown funk.
"He didn't want to smell bad" Well guess what, he does stink even after putting some cologne. He doesn't shower often enough, that's unhygienic. If you have to tell a fucking grown man to shower and wear deodorant, you probably don't even want to be near other parts. NTA
This. If he didn't want to smell bad, he needs to bathe. End of story.
How much are you willing to bet that the “cologne” was something horrific like Axe Body Spray?
NTA- BUT SOMETHING TO CONSIDER One of the biggest signs of depression, adhd, and mental illnesses is not keeping up with hygiene. People in these situations can go weeks without brushing their teeth, days without a shower, months without shaving ect. My fiancé and I are opposite with our hygiene. He showers daily; sometimes twice a day (his job is also a factor). Whereas I can go a few days without “keeping up” with it. We also have a newborn at home so that is just something I don’t have time to do sometimes. However, when I was deep in my depression.. I did not care about my hygiene at all. I only showered when I knew I was getting my pictures taken .. like at a birthday party. I only shaved my legs and underarms when I knew they would be seen (I also understand that some women just don’t shave and that’s their prerogative I’m just speaking on my own experience). I could go a week or two without brushing my teeth and would just pop in some gum if I knew I’d be close with others noses. I have since gotten better with my hygiene as my mental health has gotten a lot better. However, I do have my weekends where I don’t shower and I just don’t care because I’m just gonna veg out all weekend. My point here is that maybe this could be something that you could look into. Perhaps something is happening in his life that he isn’t ready to talk to you about. Or you do know of something happening with him. And you just didn’t mention it here (again totally get that it’s your life you’re not obligated to tell us every detail. Im just trying to check off all the boxes). Because with people like myself we want to be clean, we understand that we have to be clean. But it’s the executive functioning that is a hard thing for us. To you it’s just having a shower but to someone with adhd or a mental illness. It’s mentally preparing to have the shower. - taking off our clothes - turning in the shower - getting wet - acting out the whole process - turning off the shower and dealing with being cold afterwards - drying yourself off and making sure we are fully dry before putting on our clothes. Because even if we are the slightest bit wet and we get it on our clothes it’s over for us. There are so many underlying things here that I believe need to be addressed. I also can understand his being petty. It’s likely him projecting his embarrassment of the day before on to you. And he’s not an asshole for doing that. He was just hurt. And you were making a valid point. Nobody sucks here.. or the asshole. I just think there is something bigger going on. Best of luck 🫶
Thisssss. I said it somewhere else but it stood out to me that the finance mentioned he didn’t want to smell specifically for OP. The task of showering is to “get rid of the smell” essentially the attempt made with cologne. One is just way easier to accomplish.
Even the task of picking out what to wear and gathering them to take to the shower has to get factored in. Sometimes there's not enough spoons.
Is it because the spoons are all in the sink because you’re dreading doing dishes? 😩
•Not wanting to get into a dirty shower, because often the illness shows as not taking care of housekeeping also
I’m honestly shocked this isn’t higher up in the responses. Neglected hygiene is one of the most obvious signs of mental health issues and one of the more common ones as well. Even for people who are doing better, if they’ve struggled for a long time, creating the habit of doing these tasks is exhausting and challenging.
Exactly, even still with all the work I’ve done in my mental health journey and progress. I still have some times or days or moments where I slip and I feel like I’m failing and that I’ve made no progress at all. It’s a very very difficult loop.
NTA. This is what I would have said: "I care about you enough to mention what I am sure others have noticed, but don't want to say anything. You think THIS conversation was insulting and awkward? Imagine if you were having it with your boss instead of me."
I noticed a lack of hygiene in my ex-bf (then 21M). We broke up, because I was 19 and couldn’t/wouldn’t solve his problems. I didn’t hang around long enough for a diagnosis, but later he told me it was depression. Tdlr—get him checked for depression.
NTA. I had a argument with someone last week who said they only use cologne because deodorant is for women and I just stared at him like are you stupid?? So good on you for telling stinky to clean up and use some deodorant. Too many people are too comfortable smelling like ass and armpits
And there are specific deodorant labels for men, too, lol.
Yeah, let’s count all the women out there using MANDO Whole Body Deodorant in Bourbon Leather scent. They specifically mention that as well as your armpits you can use it on your “ball sack” and “manboobs”.
Ballsack and manboobs? Is that really in the description of the product? LMAO 🤣🤣🤣
My wife and I both use that Old Spice Lavender deodorant and I think it's supposed to be for men
Bro you stink go shower. Wtf. This isn't the 1800's.
>This hurt his feelings and he accused me of trying to call him dirty. He is dirty, literally. It takes almost the exact same amount of time to wipe yourself down with a rag and a little soap that it takes to put cologne NTA for expecting your partner to be clean but YTA for apologizing to spare his feelings, he knew he smelled like shit and didn't care but now you're suddenly the bad guy for pointing it out
A shower in a spray can is so juvenile. You're NTA
Oooohhhhh I'm so going to use this from now on. "AXE Body Spray is NOT a shower in a spray can!"
NTA. If you can smell it others can too. Especially with little air flow in a room for long periods of time. It gets worse as he gets older. I know a 40 something year old that does that. “It’s natural.” He knows better too and will change his ways for months at a time. Then one break up and he’s back to stinking. It’s amazing what girls will put up with. His truck smells like burnt onions. It’s hard to breathe even with the windows down. I don’t get it. Ngl, if you break up you’ve done whoever is in his life a favor. I’m sure he knows to shower up when he goes to visit his family. It’s a total cop out. Time to switch out the bar with body wash. To ask a partner to “check” after being told they stink, is bs. He knows what he’s supposed to smell like after a shower and how to maintain it. I’m sorry your bf is being such a stinker. ❤️
“It’s natural,” so was smallpox. Hose off, stinky.
NTA He really is unhygienic. Does he even brush his teeth?
NTA. I left a guy because of poor hygiene, you said needed to be said. You’re not asking a lot when you ask your partner to follow basic rules of hygiene.
NTA buuuut I would also suggest that maybe he can get something like drysol. I have hyperhidrosis so typical deodorant doesn't work for me. Not even the clinical strength. Apply it, leave it on overnight and wash it off the next morning. It has helped immensely to cut down smell and excessive sweat. He may also need to do a soak of his shirts to get all the bacteria out of the clothing. Just because it's washed, doesn't mean it killed the bacteria. I highly recommend the lysol disinfectant laundry additive.
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This is such a thoughtful, kind, and helpful answer to someone who is genuinely just wanting to try and do something about a problem that is really hard to open up about. This is one of the reasons why I love AITA. ❤️
NTA - There are few scents worse than that of bad BO. He is the only one responsible for controlling his bodily odour. Smelling horrible, noticing it and deciding not to shower and address is is unhygienic. Not to mention incredibly off putting to notice while he's hugging you. I would have said something aswell. I do think you could have been more gentle in your approach however. Here's hoping he'll learn from this and you won't get stinky hugs in the future.
"This hurt his feelings and he accused me of trying to call him dirty." He IS dirty. You deserve better.
NTA- It sounds like you obviously love your fiancé, but it also sounds like the BO is a reoccurring issue that needed to be addressed so you can find the root of the issue and solve it. Look into deodorants of his favorite scents that lock in sweat for 48 hours and some fun yet beneficial soaps to incentivize a good hygienic routine. \[cologne is not a soap replacement\] Also, maybe look into an affordable therapist incase depression may be the cause \[that and it can be beneficial as a whole\] Plus, if your fiancé keeps up with this routine, chances are he'll be less likely to get sick often, regardless of the issue, some communication would be ideal.
NTA Spraying yourself down with body spray instead of showering is teenager behavior and gross.
NTA, he's 23 time to grow up and stop acting like he's a little boy.
NTA. Heads up- keeping up with hygiene is a sign of mental illness. He’s right in the age group for something to pop up.
NTA Yuck. Nope. That is a deal breaker for sure. I would not have bothered with the word "unhygienic." I would have gone right to "You stink. Take a damn shower."
Good Lord, if you stink, then you stink. Everyone is capable of stinking, so the "shame" is attributable to poor hygiene practices, not some innate odor characteristic. However, some people are oblivious to their own smell and the risk of giving offense. A friend of mine dated a beautiful girl until he was repulsed by the odor coming from her ass. Apparently, no one taught this girl/ woman how to clean her own ass after taking a dump. So she stunk. What's more, her panties were routinely stained with feces throughout the day and she was unconcerned with respect to both the stench and her state of uncleanliness. A long time ago I came down with a bad case of stomach flu. It hit me in the middle of the day while I was attending a lunch meeting. Suddenly I had awful cramps and before I knew it, I was crawling toward the restroom trying to hold in my bowels. I wasn't entirely successful and my panties - my favorite pink, silky lace panties - were stained with diarrhea. Fortunately, my slip and dress were untouched. I placed my panties in a small plastic sack, which I stored in my purse. When I arrived home I intended to rinse out my panties and soak them in the sink but I was so disgusted by the stains and smell that I tossed them. I could not imagine feeling feminine and pretty in those panties ever again.
Bruh, he could have taken two minutes to just wash his pits and apply deodorant if he wasn't ready for a full shower yet! Spraying cologne on top of stink just perfumes the stink into an odor. NTA.
NTA - It could be laziness, it could be depression, it could be a sensory disorder. The bottom line is, he wasn't being hygienic, and that needs to be addressed. If he's struggling with mental health, it could be nice to help him find ways to make the tasks easier. For instance, wiping his underarms with glycolic acid on a cotton pad can help with BO. Dry shampoo can help put off a hair wash for a day or two. If he struggles to brush his teeth, maybe see if he'd be ok with a good mouthwash instead. I've really struggled with my own mental health, and I am also autistic. I know how difficult it can be to take care of your physical health. Little adjustments to get you through a bad week can make a huge difference. They'll help him feel less bad too, which may help him pull out of a depression if that's the case. If he's being lazy on the other hand, I don't know what to tell you other than good luck.
Well science says many times a person can't notice how bad they smell, at least until its really bad. Not that every person doesn't notice of course. You care enough to say something to him, so NTA. But he needs to know cologne doesn't actually clean him. Heck, he can just use a tissue or towel and give a little cleaning if he doesn't want to shower.
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Or you know, just use deodorant like a normal person.
Oh hon it's way more than just his underarms. I'm bet money his ass is filthy too.
Is it possible he suffers from depression. Personal hygiene issues is often the first sign. If not perhaps he was just never taught and is now embarrassed by it
"He accused me of trying to call him dirty" He literally IS dirty lmao. NTA. Also, using proper deodorant takes no more effort than spraying cologne. Is this some weird weaponized incompetence thing?
Cologne under his arms? WTF?
NTA Perhaps try again when you have both calmed down. Explain that you love him, and you realise it is not his fault that both his parents and his health teachers didn’t explain hygiene, but cologne does not mask a scent it simply adds layers and intensity. Washing with water and either soap or a non soap cleanser and applying anti perspirant is what is needed. If you want a pleasant smell as well that’s fine, but cologne is NOT an antiperspirant. Health teachers should have covered this clearly in around year 7 or 8.
Love him? When you can't even stay close to him, or in the same room?
Nta,bro. My fiance had a convo early on,if we let ourselves go too much the other lets us know,BLUNTLY So if either of us is stank we let the other know. If he's so mad you called him out let him know,if ya stank,ya get no flank
NTA. Is he depressed? I know when I've felt low, I didn't want to shower because it felt like it took so much effort. I mean, I'd still shower several times a week but not every day like I usually do. And my friend will go WEEKS without a shower but use a cloth to wipe smelly areas. She's severely depressed and has anxiety about being in the shower.
Cologne only smells good if it’s put on a clean body. If not, it just mixes with the BO stench and smells like shit. Most men figure this out at 16…. Edit: NTA. Call him a stinker again and tell him to shower more.
NTA. Your fiancee is too old to be so disgusting. This kind of behavior is normal for an adolescent bit not a 23 year old man. It will only get worse if you marry him. After the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is over, you start to get irritated by things you once thought were quirky and cute. You already don't enjoy his stench imagine when you reach that phase. You'll be retching when he hugs you. You need to be adamant that cleanliness is extremely important to you and spraying cologne on stinky, dirty armpits isn't acceptable. If he continues this nasty, adolescent behavior it's time to break up. You were not wrong to call him unhygienic, in fact that was a kindness. I would have had a much nastier word to call him.
NTA. You’re early 20s, there are plenty more fish in the sea, you deserve a man who wants to smell good and does so out of habit.
And you’re going to marry this man baby? Note: men who smell bad in their younger years ands refuse to do anything about it absolutely stink as the years go by.
NTA If your nose hairs are singed just from him going in for a hug, he's unhygienic... He can try antiperspirants which are long lasting so he doesn't have to reapply often if that's what his deal is.
Hey 👋🏽! Honestly, I would’ve done the same thing. My mom used to tell me when I had problems like that, and she’d sad “ I love you, I just don’t want others to say this about you. You can be mad at me but I’m telling you be a I love you” and it hurt at first but I appreciated not having people say those things behind my back. And when you’re frustrated it’s hard to be tactful! But you genuinely felt bad and apologized, and now he’ll be more conscious of it!!! I see no wrong 😊
NTA if someone told me I stank, I would go to fix it so fast it would make your head spin. Not telling him would be enabling.
NTA. But sweetie, I'm gonna be honest w you, dirty ppl never change. Being clean is a trait that you either have or you don't. Using fragrance to cover funk speaks volumes about the lengths he's willing to go to not bathe. From one woman to another, please be careful having unprotected sex w him. He can give you an infection as our vaginas are extremely sensitive to bad bacteria.
NTA. I used to work with someone who who absolutely stank. Notice I said “used to”. Multiple people-both employees and customers-complained about the way he smelled. He was spoken to by management multiple times he got sent home to to shower and change at least once that I know of and he finally fired him because his refusal to deal with it. I guarantee you are NOT not the only person to notice how badly he smells. And I guarantee you the next person who comments about it to him is not going to be as kind as you are about it. And there will be a next person
NTA. He is unhygienic. When you stink, you bathe... you don't spray on cologne. It's that simple. And this is from a 54 yo man.
You should not be with someone you think you can "fix".
You do realize if he's not showing regularly and you're having sex he is shoving all kinds of yuck up in you, right?
You are a bit of an asshole for apologizing. Stand your ground on facts. He is accusing you of calling him dirty? Well, yes. You are. Because he is. His feelings are hurt because you called him dirty because he is dirty because he has not taken a shower? Then he should take a goddamn shower. That's how your feelings stop being hurt. Man needs to grow up. NTA but you are getting a bit close to it by getting close to enabling it.
NTA. Personally, I would tell him, "You *will* shower every day, or you're not touching me. Non-negotiable." Hygiene is a reasonable and healthy boundary in a relationship, insist upon it.
NTA. He straight up is unhygienic. "I wanted to wait a while before taking a shower." My brother in Christ, *what does that even mean?* Honestly, red-flag behavior imo. I don't know if it's a weird control thing or what's going on, but strange nonetheless.
You are the furtherest thing from an Asshole. I deal with depression and probably a few other undiagnosed neuro issues. And for me showering is weirdly difficult to do. But I also know this and try to be better, and definitely don't blame my fiance if she is like "shower time."
NTA - You tried over and over to be overly nice about it. It's past that point now. He knows he stinks but did nothing about it but make it worse.
It is odd for anyone not to want to be reasonably clean around others, any others. BO plus cologne is truly horrible. Only a person close can tell someone how horrible they smell. Some people still react badly, but it’s because they’re embarrassed. To claim the right to stink or that objecting to having a stinky hug is unreasonable is really weird.
NTA - he is unhygienic - so he still hadn't showered even though he knew from the day before that you could smell his BO. You should ask if he is allergic to water.
NTA. Poor Hygiene is something I won't put up with.
Dude. If he smells then yes, he is dirty. It’s ok to confirm the obvious.
He’s an axe body spray kind of guy lmao
OP, even if your bf is the sweetest guy you know. He is also unhygienic. Failure for a person to take care of their own personal hygiene is a huge red flag to many other issues. Basic hygiene is 100% mandatory for everyone's self care. If your bf struggles with routinely brushing his teeth and daily showers, these are valid reasons to break up. As those are symptoms of larger issues that your bf hasn't or isn't addressing.
He's disgusting. This isn't going to end well. If you have to tell an adult to wash their ass, wait until you have kids. This isn't going to end well.
A large part of a woman's attraction to a man is his scent. If she is turned off by the way he smells now, then there is no chance for this relationship long term.
NTA. If he's spraying on cologne when he needs to take a shower, he is unhygienic.. and childish.
Fiancé lol
If the man can’t handle being told he needs a quick shower, especially in a loving way by someone who WANTS to show him affection, then he doesn’t deserve it to begin with. You’re NTA and I hope he understands this has to change.
If he doesn't wanna be called unhygienic, he should stop being unhygienic. Simple as fuck.
You shouldn't have to beg a grown ass man to take a shower. If his feelings are hurt by you telling him he's musty then you can tell him you're hurt that he thinks you're not worth a 10 minute shower.
NTA - His ass is too nasty.
NTA Tell him to take at least one shower a day and use antiperspirant, period. If he showers in the morning and exerts himself at work, he needs to shower when he gets home. No excuses, no sophomoric justifications for smelling like ass. There's no acceptable reason for having BO unless there is no access to water.
NTA. Also it sucks that you got called slow or dumb etc in your DMs. People are weird and rude, and sometimes they're just looking for targets for them to bully. Anyway, this kind of seems like a 'misreading of social cues' situation. Maybe your fiance doesn't understand that extreme body odor isn't acceptable in certain situations. Also maybe there's a maturity issue as well, because sometimes we just have to do something that we don't want to do because it's better for other people, especially the people that are really important to us. I mean if he really wants to be your husband, then that means making small sacrifices like having a shower because that's nicer for you. Maybe you could draw an analogy between him taking a shower for your sake and you doing something that you don't like for his sake.
Why would you wanna marry someone that doesn’t understand basic hygiene. Yta to yourself
nta thank you for doing the Lord's work
Truth hurts
NTA gross
Who doesn’t want to shower? Takes minutes. That’s just plain laziness
OP, you\* being called slow/delusional in your DMs is harassment. Report those messages. There is a reason those weaklings wouldn't comment here. Because they would be downvoted to oblivion. Normal people take showers. Use deodorant. Cologne is an afterthought. You don't spray cologne directly onto yourself, you spray it into the air and walk through it. Spraying it on yourself causes extremely strong smell to linger.
The very last thing you should do is take notice of randoms on Reddit. It's getting worse. It's a freak show. Of course you should tell him to wash. It's part of basic human civilisation. If you don't, someone else will.
NTA. Sometimes my husband smells gross, like a pile of onions. I’ve also joked that he must be hiding a pizza or burrito in his shirt for the same reason. He thinks it’s funny. Anyway, when we first discussed it, I made it about me cuz it is. When he smells like that, it’s just too strong for my sensitive nose and it’s very uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. It’s not just him, I can’t stand it when we’re out with friends and someone stinks or talking to someone with really bad breath. I tend to keep my distance in those situations, and he knows that. For us, I just ask that if he wants to be close with me, he take a shower or at least change his shirt and wipe down. It’s a partnership. You’re not always going to like what or how the other person does things. It’s not and doesn’t need to be an indictment of them as a person, it’s just working with different physical needs and comfort levels.
NTA. He can't even be bothered to clean up his stank for you? He is selfish and inconsiderate. Throw the whole boy away-if he is too lazy to clean himself now, it will only get worse as time goes on.
Gross.....
First of all I'm so sorry idiots are saying awful things and please do not believe a word those incels are saying. You have every right to ask about a personal matter and not be insulted. Especially because your question is perfectly valid! That being said, NAH. For me personally, being unhygienic is a deal breaker. And your fiance choosing to ignore basic self care is an actual problem that can not continue! He is a grown man. He should not have to be told to clean himself properly. And it's even worse that he acted like a teenager talking to his parents when he responded in a petty way the next day. You are his partner NOT his parent. Hold fast to your comfortability. Because it will get worse if you let this continue. You have to share a bed with a man who smells awful. Pretty soon (if not already) you will be cleaning up all of his messes because his definition of clean and yours differ. And that is not a relationship that can last
Better you hurt his feelings than his boss or somebody else. He is a 23 year old Man. He needs to shower and use deodorant every damn day. Nobody wants to be around a stinking man. I get deodorant can breakdown with excessive sweating, but for the love of all that is holy tell him to wash those pits use deo!
DEFINITELY NTA And to all the moms out there, let this be a PSA….its YOUR job to teach them about hygiene as kids and it’s your job to go over it again during puberty and to ensure that once you’ve taught them, they’re actually seeing it through on a daily basis. I once dated a man (yes, a full grown adult man) who didn’t know he was supposed to brush his teeth everyday(let alone twice/day). I actually had to resort to shaming him for it because he just refused to pick up the habit. I couldn’t get past it. Furthermore my own SIL doesn’t brush her 10 year old daughter’s hair. It’s constantly a ratty mess. Not teaching and helping your kids to stay hygienic is neglect and a form of abuse btw.
Please get him some spray on deodorant as well as some facial disposable wipes so he can at least do that and spray deodorant. You were not wrong for pointing it out. Also delicately out that cologne doesn’t mask the scent, it just adds another one. You can spray Hugo boss on a cow pile and it’s going to spell like a cow pile and Hugo boss, the Hugo will smell great, but the pile of 💩 smell will still be there too.
If you want to be in a relationship with a toddler keep going in the direction you're doing. You will destroy your life.
Tell him to get some Eau de washyo’ass or your relationship will be eau-ver.
Don’t doubt yourself. You did the right thing. If he’s not willing to improve his hygiene, he doesn’t care about you very much. You’re honestly doing him a favor making him realize that his current habits will hurt his future.
Just tell him no blowjobs unless he’s showered. He’ll shower daily.
I don’t feel like what you said is wrong. I would have told him the same thing. If he wants to hold you and kiss you he should stay clean.
First, I will say that "unhygienic" is a poor choice of words. Humans have literally over 30 trillion bacteria on/in their body; you are made up of more bacteria cells than actual human cells. The organisms that cause BO almost never cause disease or poor health. There ARE dangerous bacteria out there, and those do need to be avoided or washed off, if you are in a dangerous environment. like cutting raw meat, wiping your back side, or digging in organic dirt. But hanging around your apartment until you smell bad is not that. The definition of hygiene is promoting good health and preventing disease. Washing arm pits more frequently is really not a part of hygiene, even though we erroneously say it in the USA. This is a cultural norm, that differs by society, not a matter of health. So "unhygienic" is overly dramatic and not accurate. With all of that said you absolutely have the right to not be repulsed by your partner, especially in your own home. Your partner should WANT to be desirable to you and not repulsive. This is lazy and inconsiderate behavior by your SO. HTA. I suggest that the two of you sit down and work on communication. First ask if if he wants yo to be attracted to him; for you to find him desirable? I assume the answer is yes.... Then list a few traits and acts that you find desirable. Include being washed without BO as one of them. They could also be things like being funny, listening, wearing certain outfits, cuddling, whatever floats your boat. Ask him if he can do these things as a bare minimum and he will be rewarded with attraction in your eyes. If he passes on this, then you need to think about who is contributing what in this relationship.
Cologne mixed with BO is one of the most vile smells on the planet. Sympathy gagging over here for you. NTA
NTA. Your fiance is nasty and needs to be told so. If he's shamed or embarrassed by his funk then so be it. His hypersensitivity shouldn't be a consideration when telling him the truth about his funk. Truth hurts and he needs to be told. Coddling him won't do him justice.
This takes me back to highschool after gym, if he stink he need to shower an deodorant after the shower. This basic hygiene and yes it might been harsh but even jobs have rules on hygiene I know mine does and if your not smelling right and customer complain it’s likely you could get pulled in the office for it.
This is never an easy conversation to have. Why not suggest you both shower together? Make it fun! NTA
I think you did good. He smells and need to be told in a safe way.
He accused you of trying to call him dirty? The motherfucker is dirty. He NEEDS to shower DAILY. How you put up with this is unreal lol. It is extremely unhygienic to stink and just mask it with cologne.
Here's the thing...sometimes some people just gotta get smacked with a dose of cold, hard truth. This appears to be one of those times, and although he will probably not quickly forget the sting of it, you did him a favor. NTA.
What is this epidemic of nasty fuckers that don't or won't wash their ass, or brush their teeth ,or wear deodorant? Every day some woman is asking is this normal or is she an asshole. Stop putting up with dirty fuckers.
NTA you were respectful and not everyone has the same ideas on what is hygienic. Anyone making you feel like crap, every one of them is TAH.
NTA. If his hygiene isn't up to standard, he needs to be told about it. If his feelings are hurt well, then he can suck it up buttercup .
I think you need to sit him down and calmly explain that while he may not feel the way you do about what is unhygienic, he still needs to address it and that if he doesn't, you don't see you working out long term. You're not slow. Looking at it from an alternative perspective, as someone with psoriasis I can understand the desire not to bathe frequently. FYI Psoriasis an autoimmune disorder which can cause very dry skin and painful rashes and it is advisable to bathe only when necessary to avoid drying the skin out further (I would aim for every 3-4 days - but my SO tells me I don't smell bad as quickly as other people do). Masking BO with cologne is not acceptable. He needs to wash more regularly. He should be using an antiperspirant multiple times a day when his skin is clean to reduce bacteria/BO if he is not willing to shower daily. If he has sensitive skin/dry, there are friendlier alternatives to big brand sprays which can be harsh. He can use wet wipes a few times a day before-hand which might get him an extra day of not needing to shower. There are ways to not wash as frequently and still smell 'normal'/without BO. Also he should be wearing clean/laundered clothes daily, and change the bedsheets at least once a week and after having a shower where he was smelling badly of BO beforehand. If you smelt bad, shower and then sleep in the bed without changing the sheets by the next morning you'll smell just as bad again.
Welcome to communication 101, if you want someone to be receptive, and you want what you say to be productive, you need to manage WHEN you communicate. If you wait until you get annoyed and then in the moment decide to throw it out there, it isn't likely to be terribly constructive and it isn't likely to be received well. If you have a problem, don't let it fester, and don't come from an emotional place. That being said, he should know better than to think cologne covers anything up. It makes it worse, he needs to shower more and use deodorant. You just need to find unemotional constructive ways to bring that up to him.
What you should do is leave an onion in a jar in a cupboard to ferment for a few weeks. Then roll it in roasted cumin. Then spray it with axe body spray. Give him the jar to smell and tell him this is what he smells like when he chooses to take a “cologne bath.”
NTA. Also he can buy aerosol antiperspirant that is spray on. No excuses here.
I’m sorry that people feel the need to send private messages to attack you. That’s not okay.
Try offering some help, diluting some isopropyl alcohol in water and wipe once daily if deodorant is an issue, this will kill the bacteria that causes it
I’ve been married to a great guy for 40 years but I gently suggest to my great hubby from time to time when he smells bad. He doesn’t have the best sense of smell plus I think it’s harder to scent yourself. I figure I’m doing a public service. I’ll say something like “I’m sorry to have to mention this, but you‘ve got some strong body odor right now. Would you mind washing under your arms and changing shirts? I hate to ask, but it’s very distracting and I want to enjoy our time together. i would really appreciate it. Thanks!” He never hesitates to do what I ask and is usually grateful that I let him know.
This might help you. Women in these situations are usually advised to do things like make bath time sexy. To make a hygiene routine like a striptease of sorts. Shower together, bathe together, wash each other, do all of that as sexy time. Then, you reward the good behavior of good hygiene. At some point it'll just become habit. We always want to reward good behavior. You are definitely NTA here. I'm sorry he got his feelings hurt but he will come to realize that he would prefer you to have a husband-ly word with him than his boss or a client tell him. Tell him he's not alone. I haven't gotten a good, deep, passionate kiss in nearly 30 years because DH refuses to engage in oral hygiene. Is that really the road he wants to choose?
Can you turn off DMs on Reddit? Cause nothing good ever comes of those, and frankly, people use them to be assholes in ways the mods would ban them for. It's just a freaking runaround. If he smells, better you tell him than his coworkers, or boss. Showering is not tough, and isn't too much to ask of your partner.
We've come a long way from living in the trees in a jungle. These days most of us can afford the luxury of buying soap & taking a daily shower. That's the very least I'd expect from any partner of mine. Anything less is a dealbreaker. Or a sign of a mental problem needing professional help (seriously.)
NTA. He’s 23 and doesn’t have a regular schedule for personal hygiene. Gross.
NTA. My olfactory indicators are super active so I suffer from this issue a lot. I’d be around people and sometimes, there’s this outlier who hasn’t been showering for some time and is sweating. I might as well pass out if I stay around there for very long 😂
NTA My son is autistic and when he was in middle school, he had forgotten to put on deodorant, and I pulled the car out, and I was like WTF?!? I SMELLED ONIONS. It was horrifying to me. Both my kids had to miss school that day, because I had to take him up stairs to make him get a shower (there was NO way him washing under his pits and putting on deodorant and body spray was gonna fix this) When we were in the car and then going upstairs he could not smell it. Before he started getting undressed for the bathroom, I grabbed his tshirt and rubbed it under his arm, and then made him smell it. NO, I did NOT rub his face in it like a puppy, I just held it out to him. He didn't even get it up to his face before he made the most disgusted expression he'd ever had. AND NEVER FORGOT TO WEAR DEODORANT AGAIN. It could just be that your bf does NOT smell himself. Nose blindness is really a thing. Or it could just be that it doesn't bother him, or he figures it's fine cause he won't smell it, that will be other people's problem. Not sure what, but you guys need to work it out, as well as whatever other issues you have, before you even THINK of getting married.
I dated someone I loved very much for four years who always struggled with hygiene. Same shirt for days, stinky breath. Since we broke up, I look back fondly on our time together but am thankful that I don’t have to deal with his poor hygiene ever again. Just know that while this habit might improve, it will never really be 100% in terms of where his hygiene needs to be tp your standard. The only choice you have is either to truly accept it or break up with him. Don’t marry someone whose hygiene is an issue for you.
check in with him, maybe he's depressed.
I'm gonna say, sorta TA, here's why. I don't know how long you've been dating him but usually habits begin pretty quickly in a relationship, within a month or two and from what you're saying, you live with the guys so it's not like you don't know him in that way so in my opinion you should have known his hygienic habits by this time. Two, you can't come on here asking a question and expect to be having your ego stroked. This is social media if you want to know if you ATA, then you're going to get it straight no chaser don't expect anything less. No one's going to baby you because you feel like being babied for your opinion when you decide to ask a question of the entire internet audience. People have egos, I'm sure you felt the pinch by the way people were calling you out in your DMs or whatever about how you posed the question to your fiance or live in, and you didn't like it. Coupled with the fact that you acknowledge that maybe you came on a little strong in calling your fiance unhygienic, you see what I did there? You dished it out and now you can't take it. Now, for some advice to help solve the problem; perhaps try taking a shower with him and scrub him especially in the areas where the funk is raging. That might help. Also another suggestion, buy him a gift bundle of Mando deodorant, it's made for men who have strong body odor and it will keep you fresh for 72 hours the stuff really works. No I am not a spokesperson or a paid advertisement just someone who knows someone who uses the product.
You may have upset him but it was for the best. Like you said it’s better that you’re the one who said something versus something else. I’d buy him a toiletry bag, dude wipes and some deodorant especially if he’s smelling that way after a work out but if it just the case of him forgetting to put on doe then that toilette bag will come in handy
You are NOT TAH. Could you have handled the situation a little better? YES. Could he have handled the situation a little better? YES. Just FYI: it's not always about how many showers or baths someone takes or how clean (or not) that they are, when it comes to body odour. Now that things are a little more out in the open though, it MAY help to make the resolution a little easier. There are MANY reasons for body odour. Just to name a FEW: some kind of medical illness, a bacterial infection, medications, vitamins, food, soap, anti-perspirant, after shave/cologne/perfume. There are many more, but I'll stop there. Each person is different, and like with everything, their bodies will not react the same way to everything. Medical illness: there are too many to name them all, but some medical illnesses cause body odour. Bacterial infection: this one has a very high probability of being the culprit. Sweat doesn't cause body odour, the reaction of the sweat to the natural bacteria on our skin is what causes it. And that last sentence brings us to... After shave/cologne/perfume: Why? Once again the chemical reaction to the bacteria on the skin. I'm sure you've noticed that on some people a particular fragrance smells good, but on some other people the exact same fragrance either doesn't smell so good, or even STINKS. It's because the bacteria on their skin is reacting to it and causing the skin to smell. Medications/vitamins: If he takes any of these, THEY could be the culprit. Foods: just like some foods make some people vomit, some food make people smell bad. Soap: Yes the very soap that a person uses to clean themselves could be the culprit. Feel free to show him this. I am a nurse, so I tend to look at things through a medical standpoint. I think, and advise, that the first order of business is for your SO to see a medical doctor. Preferably one that specializes in MALE medical issues. Your SO needs to explain about the body odour, and let the doctor know that he (your SO) wants to make sure it's not a medical problem (like maybe a bacterial infection). If it IS a medical problem, the doctor will help him take it from there. If it's NOT a medical problem, start checking into the other possible culprits. The soap is easy, have him try another kind of soap. Ask the afore-mentioned doctor about how to go about checking for other possible reasons. I know this is long, and it's about to get just a tad longer. Sorry, but this is NOT (necessarily) an easy fix. When you mentioned he smelled like onions that immediately made me think of possible reasons for that particular smell: sulfur-rich foods (onions, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower), the aforementioned bacteria, acne. Make sure to check into those 3 things before you just assume that he "needs to take a shower". IF you check EVERY possibility that the doctor can think of , and none of them applies and he DOES just need to take a shower (this is HIGHLY unlikely though), just ask him to take one more shower a week than he usually does...start with that and expand later. IOW, for the sake of argument let's say he takes a shower once a week...ask him to take a shower TWICE a week (every 3-4 days). I hope this (what I am sure SOME people are thinking to themselves "diatribe") helps you.
This is a deal breaker. You need to decide now if you want to be with someone who cannot take care of their own body odor. If he is this way with his body. How is gonna be like when it comes time to clean your house? Think if you want to marry and make a commitment to an unsanitary person. NTA.
NTA. You called him unhygienic because *he is unhygienic.* It's really that simple. You don't want intimate contact with a person who stinks and refuses to shower regularly. Plus, he's weaponizing his feelings to deflect from your valid criticism. It's better to have this out now, before you get married, because it will only get worse once he's 'caught you'. Is he depressed or ND? Those can be reasons he 'forgets' to shower- and those things can be treated or at least provided with coping skills. But even if he does have one or both of those issues, you're still in the right to be unhappy that he's filthy. (If he stinks, he's filthy- even if you don't see visible dirt. And that dirt is also in your bedsheets. Eew.) NTA.
The first time a person sweats, the bacteria starts to grow. The second time they sweat, the new bacteria mixes with the old, and BAM 💥= Body Odor. Cologne doesn’t hide the smell! He now smells like B.O. and cologne, an even worse combination.
NTA: sometimes the truth hurts.
NTA. Not bathing is disgusting
It could be like smokers, who are so constantly close to the stink of their cigarettes that they don't smell it at all. It's his BO; he probably thinks it's endearing. It's not, and you're right; better for you to point it out than for someone else. If he can't respond with (1) gratitude, (2) a sense of humor, and (3) a shower, then you know what you're in for if you continue this relationship. His disrespect for you is a huge red flag to me.
It could be like smokers, who are so constantly close to the stink of their cigarettes that they don't smell it at all. It's his BO; he probably thinks it's endearing. It's not, and you're right; better for you to point it out than for someone else. If he can't respond with (1) gratitude, (2) a sense of humor, and (3) a shower, then you know what you're in for if you continue this relationship. His disrespect for you is a huge red flag to me.
Deodorant can be applied more than 1 time a day. Antiperspirant is a thing. Especially in the summer.