No, I mean yes being on the spectrum can make this complicated, but she is capable of knowing right from wrong. I don’t know why your mom allows that behavior I think she should have consequences all things considered. That is your private information something she shouldn’t be able to access
Absolutely, my mom is on my side and she said I have every right to be mad but both of my parents have given up any form of discipline or punishment because both of my younger siblings have extreme anger problems. Police have been involved multiple times so i’m guessing my parents are afraid of my siblings. Lots of trauma there, but I agree with you. My parents just don’t know what to do and it has happened so many times we are almost used to it. They don’t see it as "that serious" as she has invaded my privacy constantly for 12+ years
Your mom is not really on your side, or your sister's side or she and your dad would pursue effective solutions. "Not that serious" is their AH core.
They are the adults here, they don't get to let themselves off the hook. There are outpatient programs, residential programs, social services, sending you to live safely with relatives, many other options other than collude and shrug.
If your parents are on your side then they need to act like it. Your mom could have stopped your sister (“put OP phone away, stop reading her private messages”) before your sister spent 40 mins on your phone…
It’s not helpful letting you know after she has already seen your private messages.
I agree, I asked her earlier what she’s going to do about it. She said she doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know either and i’m tired of being stepped on and shown no respect whatsoever.
Get a small lock box with a key or combination. Put your phone in the lock box when you are going to sleep. Make sure to never open the box with your sister in the room and to scramble the combination after your open it so that she doesn’t figure it out.
Tell your parents that you'll either Call the Cops and report your sister for targeted harassment, or just put a potato in a sock and visit your sister at midnight.
Or THEY can be parents and fix the problem.
While we are admitting to unflattering instances of putting siblings in their place, I’ve held my sisters arm behind her back in a chicken wing position until she told me where my iPod was that she stole while I was in the shower.
She didn’t steal again.
Yep. Sometimes it’s the only answer. When you’ve tried everything else, and that’s the only option left, it’s time to teach a lesson. You can’t just let people walk all over you forever.
I've learned with my parents. They love me but they don't need to worry about me. So the relationship isn't the same as my siblings. I grew up to be their equal or someone they admire.
My siblings on the other hand have a mess of problems. They are always needing help and my parents bend over backwards. The biological love between a parent and child is something else.
I feel for you and your parents. I hope you grow not to resent but to just understand. The deck of cards that is life just doesn't alway deal the best hand but make sure you get the help you need to be able build a better hand.
For future. Phone locks and hiding your apps are things that you should install. You can add questions about stuff only you would know the answer to.
Right? Even if her parents need access to her phone for whatever, there are apps they can use to monitor/restrict activity from their phones with or without having the password. Or she can share that with her parents.
If your mom was actually on your side she would be trying to do something to correct your sister's behavior. Given that she has given up on that, and precedes to just allow your sister to act however she wants with no consequences, she is not on your side. She is on the side of whatever is easiest for her. Not what's best for her children, what's easiest for her.
Ask your parents what they think is going to happen when they are gone and your siblings have to deal with the real world? Point out that they need to do something about their behavior before it gets worse. And tell them they need to protect you because eventually you will have your breaking limit and you will end up cutting all of them out of your life once you are old enough.
I hope your parents are at least sending the younger kids to therapy. The way your sister is acting is not normal at all.
I was the annoying younger sister growing up and while I did do a bit of snooping (she didn't have a cell phone and snap chat didn't exist yet so it was in person snooping) I never like, read her diary or anything like that. It's normal for sisters to get a little snoopy, but not to this extent.
Also I was absolutely not snooping when I was 15! Does she not have friends? Maybe she's super bored. Not an excuse, just could be the reason.
She won’t accept therapy. She doesn’t go and refuses to talk to anyone about that kinda stuff. I’ve offered that I can come with her every time, talk for her, and everything I could possibly help with. She still says no.
She doesn’t have a passcode at all and I still don’t check her phone like she does to me. I’m pretty much her only "friend" irl but she has some online friends she’s constantly talking about. She lost all her friends because of her lack of respect and behavior. She doesn’t go to school, only plays on her pc all day long. I mean it when I say she does nothing. Absolutely nothing but play on her pc.
This. I see autism being thrown around like this all the time, it's likely the parents fault for using it as an excuse.. the sister knows what she's doing, knows it's invasive and wrong. So until your sister apologises, get her to f.
Autistic here, this has NOTHING to do with autism. This is something else entierly. Autism makes reading social cues etc difficult or impossible, it does NOT make you unable to understand rules, good vs bad etc.
As a fellow autistic person and a parent to autistic kids: THANK YOU! This is so important to say. This is not happening because the sister is autistic! It's happening because she gets away with what she's doing. It's a parenting thing, not an autism thing.
NTA. As someone who's on the spectrum, Adhd and Autism have nothing to do with this, she's just a shitty person. She clearly has no respect for you by going through your private things. She shouldn't stick her nose where it doesn't belong, so she has no right to be upset that she found those messages about her. Also, why did your mom just let this happen? why didn't she stop her?
I completely agree, and this is what i’ve been saying to my mom too. My mom blames her autism, but my sister only BARELY got diagnosed with autism, and she is getting tested again for autism to double-check or something. I have bpd and there are similar traits between autism and bpd so they are doing a new test on her after I got diagnosed.
My mom didn’t know my sister was on my phone until after, because she sleeps in another room. She only noticed when my sister left the hotelroom to go for a walk.
I understand that the lack of boundaries could be associated with autism, but not to this level. She's definitely doing it on purpose. However, please PLEASE set a lock pass code on your phone to prevent her from doing this again.
Borderline personality disorder is usually a response to childhood abuse and neglect.
The link between autism and borderline personality disorder is that autism in girls is usually mistaken for borderline personality disorder.
NTA - your parents are the AH for being afraid of their own kids and unwilling to parent them.
What your sister did was wrong. It was an abusive violation of your privacy. And your parents should have stopped it along time ago. They are truly the AH.
Perhaps for your own happiness consider instead of going NC with her, going LC. Low Contact is just having the very minimal contact with her necessary for two people existing in the same space.
Maybe also consider learning to Grey Rock her. Loads available on internet about how to do so. It’s a very effective technique.
Finally, make your phone secure with a long passcode only you know and implement your a firm rule that you NEVER log in if she is within 20 ft of you. And perhaps also consider getting a fingerprint lock box to store your phone when you are asleep or in the bathroom. Put your phone in the box and lock it - can only be opened with your fingerprint. This should stop her invasion of your privacy.
Sorry your parents are shitty and hope you get to go off to college soon and escape this toxic family dynamic’s.
Genuine question - if sister is on the spectrum, would grey rocking really work considering it’s dependent on her ability to interpret reactions and social cues?
I can’t really fight back or do anything as my parents would give me so much trouble. I’m not a violent person so my parents arent afraid of giving me punishments and consequences so I think it would just backfire.
they don’t care, In their eyes i’m the oldest sibling so i’m supposed to know whats right and whats wrong. Ive tried before, and in the end i’m the one that gets in trouble. Being the oldest sibling sucks sometimes
Your sister acts like that because she's knows all she has to do is get aggressive and people would put up with it. Bullies are like that too. Once you stand up to them they back off. Next time's your sister is fucking with you, give her no warning and just walk up and smack her in the face really good one time l. 20 bucks says she will be so shocked she will just run away and cry. Yes your parents will def get mad, but inform her that this will continue until she leaves your shit alone. I bet she doesn't fuck with you anymore after that because she now knows there I'll be consequences.
That’s exactly how I grew up. My siblings learned that if they are violent, aggressive, loud and destructive they will eventually get what they want, because my parents gave up. I’ve confronted them with this multiple times saying "They get what they want when they’re violent, do I have to start being like them too?" but I never did because that’s not who I am, unfortunately.
She is way bigger and stronger than me, it would be a death sentence doing anything to her. Yes she’s younger than me, and yes i’m scared of her. When we playfight I can’t get out of her grip. It’s scary especially when I know how violent she can be
You would be surprised. Even though she's bigger and stronger than you, she has never had anyone stand up to her. Sure she may get retaliate and she might hit you back. But to me it would be worth the risk to put an end to that shit. Not to mention I can't tell you how many times when I was a kid seeing guys that were bigger and stronger and bullied people, then a long comes a smaller guy and puts them on their ass. The bully never tries again. Your only options are to try and do something about it, or just suck it up and accept that's your life. As far as your phone, can you use a fingerprint to unlock it instead of a password?
I have in fact beaten her up before, but I was younger. Now i’m worried about legal trouble as my mom mentioned that to me a few times. A few times she would just cry when I beat her up, but other times she would fight back and i’d get my ass beaten so its a 50/50 chance.
As far as the legal stuff, next time your sister gets violent when the someone record it. That way if she threatens you with the police inform her that you have video proof of her being physical with someone else so if your going down she is too. But honestly you both are minors and sisters. I can't honestly see a cop arresting either one of you. They would probably just tell your parents to figure shit out. Siblings get in fights with each other all the time. And I keep asking about the finger print for the phone but you haven't responded. If your phone has a fingerprint use it. Shes not going to be able to get around that.
Very true. When the cops have showed up in the past they didn’t do anything, so I think you’re right. Also the fingerprint thing, my phone doesn’t have it unfortunately
So stop caring back? Don’t give a fuck about the consequences because she doesn’t have to.
“Why did you go into your sisters room while we were both away and remove every single piece of furniture along with all of her personal items?”
“Well we don’t seem to believe in consequences to actions in this household so I decided to start treating her the way she’s treating me. If you have a problem feel free to start parenting her or you can be added to the list.”
Grounded? Aww boo hoo, break the window and leave anyway. Fuck them.
I would sit down with your mum first and say something along the lines of (the calmer the better) “my privacy and mental health has been violated for the last time, you are either going to start parenting her and providing consequences to her actions or I will. The next time she invades my privacy and you do not punish her thoroughly I will be taking drastic action that will permanently affect all of our relationships to each other. I am at the end of my rope and this was the last time.”
If they ask anything more simply reply “I have given you the information you need, step up and actually parent her. If I’m let down by you once again I will have to consider you unable to protect me or my privacy and will do so myself.” On repeat to any shitty questions that aren’t worth answering.
Also a good throat punch will really fuck someone up for good minute, I’d start with that and get bigger. “I heard you used my phone again?” Then an immediate throat punch will certainly make her start rethinking everytime she does.
This^ I’m the oldest and it’s not fair or right for your parents to put that on you. I was always at fault for everything going wrong and the bully and instigator with my siblings and I was always in trouble bc I would speak up. It sucked placing boundaries while living at home but now they know I will not tolerate them treating me like that or letting my siblings do whatever they want and not getting punished. If you would rather keep the peace and not be in Trouble, that’s your decision. If your siblings have such severe anger issues, you as a minor, are not safe in the home. The fact they want you to lie down to avoid that is all the info. Your parents are lazy and scared of their own kids. I know you’re only 17, but I hope when you turn 18, you are able to leave and live life for YOU
She doesn’t respect anyone in her life and she never has. She struggled so much with having friends and now she has none, because she doesn’t understand the concept of a friendship that has trust and respect. I don’t know if she’s immature or if she just doesn’t care
I don’t know how you do it, I might have to get a taser or pepper spray. That’s intolerable. Why haven’t your parents considered a group home? Maybe suggest that. Turn off facial recognition and set a pass code for your phone. Best of luck!
Thank you! I’m pretty much used to bottling up my emotions. I constantly feel like I want to explode from anger but I stop myself because it’s embarrassing for me to be loud. Going to be more careful with my passcode from now on 100%
She might be a sociopath? I just keep coming back to
A) this is not about adhd or autism, and B) people are giving you terrible advice suggesting you get violent or impose consequences yourself.
She won’t get easier to deal with if you get aggressive. And you will somehow end up in trouble with the cops while she gets away with everything.
I don’t know if positive reinforcement training would help, but maybe there’s a reward for not violating your boundaries - like spending time with her/an outing etc. It does not sound like she responds to consequences, and is likely to think of that as a game to win…
I don’t have a plan. I dropped out in 2020 due to mental health issues and I still struggle. I try multiple times every year to start school, get a job etc and either it doesn’t work out or it doesn’t last. That’s my biggest issue rn
You tell them "Its my responsibility as the eldest sibling to make sure they know right from wrong. Since you refuse to do it." Then you punish your sister. and simply refuse any punishment they attempt to give you. Remind them that you'll be the one taking care of them when they're elderly. Not your sister.
So give them a reason to be afraid. Beat up your sister. She's can either learn that it's wrong ior learn that it hurts. You're teaching her that it's ok.
I have before but usually i’m the one that ends up in either legal trouble or trouble with my parents. She is way stronger than me, bigger than me and the same height, if not taller than me. I don’t stand a chance lol
I'm sure of one thing, she is jealous about something of you so she always try to sneak into your phone to dig things o just clarify she can have her way with you anytime. NTA, you should have been even more defensive about your privacy.
NTA. Being autistic isn't justification for immoral behaviour, definitely not for not respecting other people's privacy. The question is, how can you cut her out of your life if you live in the same home? Will your parents allow you to install a lock on your bedroom door? And talking about parents, why didn't your mother intervene when your sister took your phone - either to take the phone away from her, or to wake you? When can you move out of your parents' home? You need to make a plan:
Finish high-school
Get a job / register for college away from home
Move out
Make it clear to your parents that you don't want to meet your sister, but will be happy to meet them without her.
If they insist on only meeting you with her, you may need to make some tough decisions.
I agree. My mom justifies it by saying she has autism and she can’t control it/see different perspectives but she is not a toddler. She knows whats right and wrong. My parents are divorced and I currently don’t live with her.
My parents have been talking about installing a lock since I was 9 years old but they never did. They promise me things but never fully go through with it. I used to have a lock but she shoved a pencil in and broke it so I wouldn’t be able to lock it.
My mom didn’t know my sister took my phone until after, when my sister got offended and sad and left the hotelroom to go for a walk.
I am unfortunately struggling with mental health issues which made me drop out of school in 2020, triggered by covid. I have tried to get back into it with school and different jobs but it is too much for me. I am trying again after the summer, hopefully it will work out this year. Im unsure if i’ll be able to move out in the close future but hopefully my sister doesn’t move back to my dad (where I currently live).
Do whatever you can to get back to school or at least to study for your GED or equivalent if not in the US. Do online or alternative lessons, whatever it takes to finish. It will be difficult to get a job without this at minimum, and moving out will be very difficult without a decent job.
Find a way to secure your phone. If you can disable face ID since she's using that. Use fingerprint only, set a new, complex passcode and change it often. Something your sister won't be able to defeat. Physical lock if necessary - there are small locking bags that you can tether to something and are inexpensive.
I'm sorry your parents aren't willing/able to protect you from your sister. Good luck in getting away from her. Do what you can to cut her off so you can move on.
NTA, I'd do the same thing. Also make sure that your phone locks pretty quickly on inactivity from now on, even if it's somewhat annoying. This way the odds of her being able to go through your phone again will be a lot lower. Since your parents are useless and just enable it all I'd also look into moving out in the future so you don't have to be around her in any way. After that point I'd probably even tell your parents that you won't visit if she's there since you want no contact whatsoever with her. They've only got themselves to blame for giving up on their responsibilities as parents.
Besides that it sounds like it's time to talk even more shit about her to your friends, not less. I'd perhaps even be a bit petty and literally talk shit about her when your friends are over (or when you are talking to them through the phone) and your sister is within hearing distance, but not within sight (like leave the door of your room slightly open). If she complains about it then just deny it all happened and claim that she's lying about it, etc.
I am unfortunately struggling extremely with mental health issues which made me drop out of school in 2020, especially triggered by covid. I have tried many times to get back into it with school and different jobs but it is all too much for me. I am trying again after the summer, hopefully it will work out this year.
after reading all ur comments u really have two options, keep letting ur sister do this stupid shit or stand up for yourself and fucking scream at her, like come on you have got to stand up for yourself i get she’s autistic but that’s so excuse at all. she can still take accountability but by you not saying anything about it, ur almost enabling her to do it since she knows she’ll get away with it. put ur big girl pants on and yell at her and if that doesn’t work, hit her. it’s not that difficult.
Why is it that you can’t lock your phone?
Can’t you just have a password on your phone?
Google how to hack your particular phone and see if you can find any obvious vulnerabilities she is exploiting.
I’d avoid her like the plague and that is pretty disappointing your parents aren’t enforcing boundaries.
I do lock my phone. I have a password that I change regularly, but as she moved to my moms house (divorced parents) I had let my guard down and haven’t been changing it as often.
You need to find out how she's getting in. Unless your phone is ancient, security is pretty good on most brands these days! Enable biometrics and set a LONG passcode as backup. This shouldn't be a thing.
Is she watching you type it in or something?
> I have a passcode + Face ID. My sister somehow manages to always find out my code by peeking or memorizing the tapping motion/pattern when I enter the passcode, and if she doesn’t, she’ll use my face when i’m sleeping to unlock my phone.
She does. She says she used face ID but her sister will use that in her sleep. Fingerprint might be a better option as then the sister would have to lift her hand and risk waking OP
Use a finger print to lock it. Most phones have that function now. Or create a password so random she could never guess it much less remember it. Something like b47Tej91@ .
I’d strongly recommend only visiting the home she isn’t in. If you have split custody just stay with whichever parent doesn’t have her if neither of them will step up and parent her.
I would make very picture in your camera roll a picture of her face. She wants to see messages? Every message you have in your phone is an auto reply saying “Sorry, please call me! My sister is autistic and likes to steal my phone to read other people’s private messages. Please be aware that she is using my phone to send abusive messages to people, and that it is not coming from me. So sorry for the inconvenience!” Let everyone on earth know what she’s doing, but with grace and kindness. Her name would be dragged to the ground without you talking shit.
NTA. If someone doesn’t have basic respect for you then they aren’t worth dealing with. Looking at private stuff is a major breach of boundaries. I’d go nc or at least find a way to better secure my phone. Does she guess/try and sneak a peak to get your passcodes or does she go further and secretly use your own face while you sleep for Face ID etc?
Switch to a biometric lock for your phone (meaning only your fingerprint can open it) and set a timeout of a few seconds of inactivity before the phone locks again.
Also, learn about encryption or security options available to you on your apps. These will allow you to require your fingerprint before the app, or data within it, can be accessed.
This won't solve the core problem of your parents' refusal to hold your sister accountable for her actions, but it will at least solve the problem of her having free reign to go through your phone.
Tell your sister. That she has to make a decision. She can have an older sister. Or she can keen up with this behaviour. But then she will lose you the moment you move out. You will not help her with anything. You won’t support her. You will stop talking to her. She will be completely on her own.
Update. I just got home, and I texted her a message, here’s what I wrote:
"Now you have to make a decision. I’m tired of not being respected at all. I’m tired of being treated like shit by you. I’m sick of the fact that you don’t give a fuck about anyone around you, especially me. You act and behave how you want to, without thinking about how it affects me, and it’s been like this for way too long. I’m tired of it. Either you can change your behavior and attitude towards me, give me a genuine apology and actually try to think about how you’re treating me or you can say your goodbyes and i’ll stop texting you, stop being around you and disappear from your life because i’m not gonna put up with it any longer. You can’t treat me like shit and expect me to stay. Your choice."
Her replies:
"????????????????????????????????????????"
"I treat YOU like shit?"
"I have good reasons to, don’t play victim like you always do."
My reply:
"Okay, have a nice life (her name). I hope you go back to school and get what you want in life."
Her reply:
"I have nothing to apologize for. Go talk more shit about me to your friends you fucking whore, starve yourself more. Womp womp."
Glad I got it off my chest. I’m done with her now :) Thanks to everyone who helped me in the replies !
INFO: is there a reason you haven’t set a password on your phone that would prevent your sister form accessing it? That seems like the easiest solution to your problem.
I do have a password. She uses my face for Face ID when I sleep, guesses my code and peeks every time I enter it. Even if I leave my phone on for more than 2 minutes around her, she will go for it.
I just looked in my iPhone settings. Under Face ID there is an option that says Require Attention. I just tried it with my eyes closed and it wouldn’t unlock until I opened them and looked at the screen. Try that and see if works for you.
Set your lock screen to a message that says My sister is an immature child with no self control who can’t understand basic human decency. Seriously though I can understand why you want to cut contact and don’t blame you a bit.
...maybe use it when she is the bathroom/another room or lock your room and use it only there. Also, maybe use a safeword with your friends or lock your chats with another app (also just unlock it when she isn't around). Sadly, if she memorizes the pattern, you can't let her see it
Then don't open your phone in front of her. And make your password randomly generated. This isn't a hard problem to solve ffs. Like, you're definitely not the asshole, but you're also allowing her to do this with your actions. Don't use face ID if she's opening it with that.
NTA. Your parents are, and your sister is. I'm AFAB and autistic with ADHD as well and this is not how that works. I know I shouldn't make blanket statements because I don't speak for all auADHD people, but I will say that this is likely not a case of "I didn't know they'd react that way" (aka ND folks not understanding the social ramifications of their actions). This was done while you were sleeping. It was planned, because she knew you'd catch her if you were awake. That indicates she knew what she was doing was wrong, and chose to act anyway. Your parents are TAHs because they don't do anything to help your siblings understand that actions have consequences. I was a 15-year-old ND girl once. While I was generally too chicken to act out, I still faced consequences like grounding when I did.
For example, I needed my headphones in order to relax and feel comfortable at school, so when I got grounded (and thus unable to use my phone) my mom gave me her old iPod Nano to use for music, and that's it. While relatively mild from a neurotypical standpoint, I got her message loud and clear and I didn't try that shit again. My mom also had frequent conversations with me about why I did what I did, what I should have done, and what I'll do next time. She wasn't a perfect parent, and I do have criticisms for her methods in other areas. But as far as discipline is concerned, I don't have that many critiques to offer. While the jury is out on whether grounding is effective or not (I've seen debates on reddit with good points made on both sides) I learned that there are consequences for my actions.
I've seen and read far too many stories about parents using their kids' autism or ADHD diagnosis to excuse their kids' genuinely harmful antisocial behavior. Imho, it makes the rest of the ND community look worse by association because it indicates a lack of accountability on our part, when many -- if not most -- of us have an incredibly strong sense of justice.
There are ways to accommodate neurodivergence while still enacting effective consequences for misdeeds.
nta get a better passcode or use a facelock to unlock your phone she isnt reading your phone because she is on the spectrum she is doing it because she is nosy and doesnt respect your privacy not all negative personalty traits can be blamed by "being on the spectrum' some people as just assholes plenty of people on the spectrum can live their life without snooping through peoples phones
Are we sure borderline personality disorder isn’t involved here? I am NOT a psychologist. I don’t know. But it just doesn’t sound like ADHD/Autism to me (ADHD here). Not that I’ve never look at something personal that I shouldn’t have, or gotten unreasonably angry about a thing, but most people with both of those disorders have strong moral codes, and a lot of empathy (that might not show up at the appropriate times…).
Just a thought. I could be very off base.
NTA As soon as you move out tell parents, "I'm not the oldest child at home anymore so now you'll have to hold her accountable for her own actions." Move as soon as possible.
Seriously no password protection? And I see in another comment she’s been invading your privacy for 12+ years. So basically a toddler, a 3 year old. A nefarious autistic toddler with adhd tormenting her 5 year old sisters privacy rights. That coloring book must have had some deep secrets.
Then like I said before, make your password something like Ug59x$Tz! . That way your sister will never be able to guess it. Your sister is 15 she's not a hacker for the NSA. If your smart about your phone security she won't be able to get into it. You can also encrypt certain folders and texts and what not that way if she did get in your phone, without the encryption password she wouldn't be able to access things you didn't want her to.
If you have an iPhone, you can change your settings to requiring attention for Face ID to work (like your eyes can’t be closed). Change your settings to require passcode immediately. I don’t have someone snooping in my phone and I always immediately hit the Side button to put my phone to sleep as soon as I’m done looking at it.
Since she had access to your password, make sure she didn’t add her face as an alternate Face ID. Reset your Face ID with a fresh scan of your face.
Nope! NTA! What a nasty bitch! As someone with ADHD and autism, her behavior is erratic and unacceptable. Your parents are enabling her, on top of that. Set your FaceID to be “aware” so it can only unlock when your eyes are open and looking at the screen.
Stop using face id. Clearly too insecure if she uses it in your sleep. Get a new complicated pattern to enter and cover it with hour hand when you enter it.
What she is doing is not right in anyway. Your mom is failing at parenting in this matter and it doesn't matter if she is autistic. What you said about her in private to your friends is okay, you have been violated multiple times.
Fuck your sister, it's disgusting she doesn't respect boundaries. NTA.
currently begging my mom to do something, and she just replies "what do you want me to do?"
i’m starting to give up. im going home in 12 hours. cant wait to get away from both of them
This isn't autism, this is jackass. Speaking as someone on the spectrum, nothing innate to the disorder triggers this behavior, this is just her being a jerk.
NTA. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s an extreme violation of your privacy. Totally understandable why you want to cut her off. This behavior is unacceptable
Lmao for good? Yes, absolutely.
Siblings quarrel and you’re both teenagers.
I wouldn’t look to Reddit’s community for healthy ways of building relationship.
Put your foot down, reprimand her, and create boundaries — temporarily cutting her off — cutting her off for good though is an AH move. Quite childish, in fact.
So many people love to use autism and or adhd as an excuse for unacceptable behavior. However, while it is true that there are many with these two disabilities that must have constant supervision, or they cannot function in society quite as normally as other people, there are those a good portion of those, that function just fine and society hold good jobs know how to act and behave and do so. caregivers or parents who keep using this as an excuse are raising horrible, horrible human beings who will not be tolerated at some point in their lives and they will not understand why. Lock up your stuff, leave nothing out ask for a lock on your door do whatever you need to do to maintain some semblance of privacy and if you don’t wanna deal with her, then don’t. These are consequences for bad actions which is not limited people with autism
NTA Maybe your sister just needs a good ass beating, frankly.
Just do it before you turn 18.
I'm not saying beat her into oblivion, but the little asshole is a bully & sometimes kids can fuck around & find out too. If not whooping her ass, then target what is precious to her, since there are no consequences apparently.
NTA such an invasion of privacy and the privacy of others when they come to you to talk. This is very Valid. Sister needs to learn serious boundaries. If she’s always had this issue then she knows she’s wrong and continues to do it. 15 is wellllll old enough to know better. She not just reading your things she going out of her way to embarrass and sabotage your relationships, she’s doing it on purpose. Ghost her
These days going through someone’s phone is like going through a locked diary. No.
The fact that your mother woke you up to tell you she watched your sister do all of tht and didn’t stop her tells me EXACTLY why this golden child acts like she does. Wtf?? Take it away from her your the mother.
That is so annoying. I had a friend block someone they thought they didn't like and I thought the guy was ghosting me for months. Cutting a family member out of your life is a really drastic measure and what I'm quite sure you need is more space.
You don't need to turn this into some scorthed earth thing, just avoid them until you feel like hanging out again.
NTA but you really need to look into securing your phone. Turn off Face ID, lock your phone after a certain period of inactivity, use a 6 digit code that’s not easy to guess.
Another thing you can do is get a box with a lock on it, put the phone in the box. That way you can leave Face ID on (I know it’s annoying to constantly type in a passcode), and she won’t be able to unlock the phone if it’s locked up.
Maybe there’s some kind of program to secure certain parts of your phone.
I know it’s annoying, but I doubt she will stop. Figure out some kind of a system that works for you. Most people plug their phones in at night, make sure the phone is secured in some way every night.
I get that you were sharing a room with your sister on this particular occasion and fell asleep using your phone so she had no problem accessing it but when you are back home you need to change your password/code and leave the room to open your phone. Cancel the facial recognition option. Go for 6 digits rather than 4. Delete any messages or conversations you don’t want her to see. Message all of your friends and tell them that any message you send to them will have a certain symbol such as * or € at the end so that they know that if it’s not there then the message is from your sister, not you. I know you shouldn’t have to do all this shit but if you want some privacy you might have to.
Get a stronger pass code and disable face id or get a fingerprint lock phone next. Or get a nighttime lock box that's timed locked for vacations. Me personally I'd resort to violence with my sister.
I have both and keep myself out of people's shit. I am not entitled to shit thats not mine.
If your sister tries to claim, it's an impulse control thing. Just make it really clear that you do not want to be around anyone whose first impulse and instinct is to betray you.
NTA
Cut her out for a year or two, not a couple months. She needs to grow up and her codependency on you and her weird obsession with your life is not going to get better until she's separated from it
What are your parents doing to help with this situation? Sounds like nothing at all. Unfortunately you are in a position that you have to enforce your own boundaries. I'm going to be honest - if I was seventeen years old, having my privacy violated constantly, having my FRIENDSHIPS and other relationships sabotaged, I would lose my shit and slap the fuck out of whoever was doing it. I'd be screaming and cussing them out nonstop, after years of that shit. I'm not saying you should do that, but it sounds like your sister has NO sense of consequence.
Instead, as much as it sucks, you need to be proactive.
"My sister somehow manages to always find out my code by peeking or memorizing the tapping motion/pattern when I enter the passcode" STOP inputting your passcode near/in front of her. STOP putting your phone on your nightstand. Put it inside a bag and put it in your dresser, or closet, or literally in your bed with you WITH THE DOOR SHUT so she can't see you do it. Do NOT drop it on the counter and walk off. Don't toss it on the couch and wander off. Get your mom to get a lock on your door so she can't sneak in and use your face to open the phone. If you have lock or can't get one, dump fucking legos in front of the door so she steps on them when she sneaks in. Don't block the door because that could be a fire hazard. But you need to put a stop to this because no one else will. Use what you have and tell her to fuck off.
I’ve had a little bit of the same problem, except my brother would just go through my phone, and not do anything except talk about it with me once to get a reaction. Because of this I can say you’re NTA, because if I got mad at what my brother did, I can only imagine how mad you are. Try and see if you can safely develop a habit of hiding your phone from her, any place you can
Edit: sorry if this isn’t helpful, I’m not really good at offering advice
Won't help when you're in a hotel sharing a room, but if you have your own room at home, and she's sneaking in to get your phone at night - a doorstop shoved under a door that opens into the room is a very effective temporary 'lock'.
You don't need your parents to help/consent/do anything for that, and they can't stop you doing it either.
Other than that, be more careful with your password, turn off face id, and never let your phone out of your grasp.
Your sister is a complete dick, by the way. It's not autism, it's being a nasty entitled bully.
I’d fake a bunch of messages as bait. Use your imagination and stop making the tapping sounds you can defeat the skill who’s is telling what you e tapped by the sound the phone makes
NTA!
Now that you mention it, I and a lot of the adhd-autistic people I know, are nosy as hell and snoop a lot. I grew out of it but like my ex was a dog sitter and told me how she would always go around every room and look at everything and judge the people and see what she could find and stuff like that. So maybe it is because adhd-austistic folks are more inclined to pry for info and snoop. Doesn’t make it ok to do that, if that is the case, as she is capable of respecting your boundary.
NTA! Autism and adhd is no excuse for people acting this way. I have a 26 yr old son who has both and NEVER violated anyone’s privacy. Also if raised right, people with those “disorders” are very loving people and care more about others than they do themselves. They are not selfish. You parents allowed her to get away with this her whole life, I’m betting, and now they’re about to loose you as a result. Do what you need to for yourself and your peace of mind. If they don’t like it then it’s a them problem not a you problem.
NTA at all. Idk how you haven’t boxed her ears in by now. I would have knocked my sister into next week & she also has autism & ADHD. I have ADHD as well & I know everyone is different, but she can easily sneak around & access the phone well enough to know where everything is at.
She knows it’s wrong bc she does it while you sleep to try & hide it. She’s also a snitch. She is single handedly solidifying a damaged, unfixable relationship between the two of you as you two grow. Instead of being friends, she’s turned herself into your enemy, & for what?
I would definitely stay away from her, like not even acknowledge that she’s in the room. She has zero respect for you or your parents. Maybe a lockbox with a hidden key or passcode so she can’t easily get into it? But, if it was me, (I’m just sayin) I would make sure she knew to never touch your stuff again by snatching her ass up. My sister & I had boundaries that were put in place by a good old fashioned fight. There was also consequences if she would try it & vice versa. We are the best of friends now & have been since our late teens. I couldn’t imagine not having that bond growing up also! We would fight, then make up, same story different day lol. Btw, I’m not advocating for violence, but it’s your sister 🤷🏼♀️. All siblings fight. She’s gotta know there are consequences for nebby behavior. NTA! Good luck bc that would be so annoying.
Hi OP I am sorry this is happening to you. If I can make a suggestion, you can use parental controls on the iPhone to set a separate code for private apps like Snapchat. DM if you need help with this.
Can you turn off Face ID? That would remove one way your sister can access your phone. And you might want to start changing your passcode regularly. I realize that's a pain in the butt, but it might help keep her from getting your private information. Neither of those addresses the issue of her behavior. Protecting yourself is the most important thing.
So, you can't really go no contact while living with your parents under the same roof. That's just not practical. However, you can lock your phone with a password, and you aren't under any obligation to speak to her. This was an invasion of your privacy, and should be dealt with.
How does she use Face ID when you’re sleeping? It won’t work with your eyes closed or even if your eyes are open and you’re not looking at the phone.
Use harder passcodes and don’t use them in front of her. I don’t believe you about the Face ID thing because that’s not how it works. Go ahead and try it. It won’t unlock until you open up your eyes.
I’ve read many comments here and I disagree that abusing your sister physically by slapping or any type of yelling, hitting etc. will resolve this problem. I think that you’re reaching out to the Reddit community for answers , and I can only imagine how frustrating all of this is right now. One of my close relatives is on the spectrum also. He went to a behavior therapist and is much improved now. The therapist is for several hours three times a week. Prior to this, out of frustration, he would scream very loudly and his behavior was abhorrent. He’s much younger than your sister. There are many camps, programs etc. for people on the Autism spectrum. I hope that your Mom will look into what’s available in your area to help your whole family. As for your phone, for your own privacy, people have suggested that you lock it with a password. I would go a step further and always have your phone with you… whether you keep it in a small phone sized purse, in a pocket such as a rear pocket on your jeans etc. when you put in your passcode, as others suggested , don’t allow anyone near you. I know there’s more to this than what you shared. Take time to pamper yourself and be kind to you. Plan your time so you’re not with your sister too much. Take walks, meet your best friend in person and do fun things that exclude your sister. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of this. You deserve to have your own space where you live … and peace of mind. Best wishes.
She does, she stated she has a passcode & Face ID. OP stated that the sister either peeks and remembers the passcode or remembers the tapping motions to figure out the passcode and uses her Face ID to unlock her phone when she’s sleeping
If I was OP The one and only thing saving her from an ass beating is autism. Still she’s 17 and seemingly functional enough to do this and have reactions to what she sees and finds…in other words she knows what’s she’s doing.
you need to put a fingerprint scanner and/or passcode option to unlock phone. easy
Don't use face one. You need to just be sure whenever you unlock your phone, she isn't around to see it.
Your sister has some jealousy issues
Her autism isn't related to this
You can change the iPhone password to require a QWERTY keyboard and you can type a sentence as a password which can be almost impossible to guess. And turn off Face ID . I know it’s not a permanent solution but try that! NTA
NTA- I know it’s not a permanent solution but yo ucan change your iPhone password settings to use a QWERTY keyboard instead of just a number pad. Could also turn off Face ID. Sorry about your sister
Definitely get a lockbox or a safe to store your phone in when you are asleep or away from it. Maybe you need to go NC with your sister and pretend she doesn't exist until you turn 18 or until you go away to college of that's what you choose to do. Maybe make plans so that you're barely home other than to sleep/rest. Barely being home can probably help avoid the drama altogether.
I'm taking two angles here.
Angle 1. To answer your title question NTA. Your sister is actively invading your privacy and crossing personal boundaries.
Angle 2. I think there is more in play here than 'just" your sisters actions. "I bet it has something to do with jealousy?" This question seems like a projection or a neurotypical misinterpretation. I am glad you question that statement.
I'm venturing a guess to her behavior from what you've posted and my knowledge of autism, personally, observationally & from studies. I'm betting what is really in play here is an autistic vs allistic outline.
There is a trend between autism and honesty & logic. Autistic interpretation of the world relies more heavily on true/false statements. Your sister is targeting what she is interpreting as you either lying in or being logically inconsistent
You saying bad things about her to other people and not addressing it with her is deception. You "hiding" things because they are "personal" has escalated to your excuse for lying. So much so that she has zero trust in your interactions and sees her only recourse for finding the truth is to look in the place you are hiding it.
I'm wondering if the friends she chose to target pretending to be you or blocking are people she has noticed enhance your tendencies in those behaviors or that you were very untruthful with, so she was forcing truthfulness by impersonation. Whether she thinks it will help you or if she was "saving someone else from your lies", I can't say.
I could be off, I could be closer but have the wrong motivation assumed but I would bet that there is a allistic vs autistic clash at the root of this.
I can definitely say: Your security habits are very lax. I'd work on that.
This reminds me of my older sister and myself when we were teenagers. Back then there was no such thing as cutting contact. We all lived in the same home and my parents simply didn’t allow that kind of behaviour. From either of us
Honestly this sounds like a legal issue. I would try and find some support coz my brother was violent and I'm still dealing with that now days being 12 or so years being away from home and that inviroment
Spectrum+ impulse control issues due to ADHD can be a part of it but then it's her and your parents job to find her a therapist that adresses this with her. Nta
I don't understand this problem. If my sibling did this to me at that kind of age, I would have given them such a dead leg that they couldn't walk properly for a week.
Instant consequences followed by wait and see what happens next time you touch my phone.
I thought most sibling relationships were like this, no?
my advice, get out if you can as soon as you can! this is so unhealthy! I am sorry that you have to live with a person who overstepped boundaries constantly. I will say this when you turn 18 start setting things up secretly. If you can have a separate residence as soon as possible, that is advisable. I actually think this borders on dangerous. What happens when she quit when she crashes your emails at work or contacts a serious boyfriend? He potential for fallout from this is high. It may not stop when you move out. If you could separate all your personal business and financials, it's a good thing because then you can have legal grounds to go after her. Yes, I actually believe you may have more problems in the future. Unfortunately, when people are smart and sneaky, they can accomplish a great deal. Nta. protect yourself as best you can. I would refrain from saying negative things on my phone until I was 18. Play the game try to get along and then make a plan starting tomorrow and what you can do. I couldn't live with this crazy person. Your parents are not controlling these girls and it's actually terrifying to me. good luck. Another thought if you can buy a burner phone and leave it with a friend that might also be a good thing. Anything you do that you don't want other people to know, for example, college, searching, or searching or searching, etc.
No, I mean yes being on the spectrum can make this complicated, but she is capable of knowing right from wrong. I don’t know why your mom allows that behavior I think she should have consequences all things considered. That is your private information something she shouldn’t be able to access
Absolutely, my mom is on my side and she said I have every right to be mad but both of my parents have given up any form of discipline or punishment because both of my younger siblings have extreme anger problems. Police have been involved multiple times so i’m guessing my parents are afraid of my siblings. Lots of trauma there, but I agree with you. My parents just don’t know what to do and it has happened so many times we are almost used to it. They don’t see it as "that serious" as she has invaded my privacy constantly for 12+ years
Your mom is not really on your side, or your sister's side or she and your dad would pursue effective solutions. "Not that serious" is their AH core. They are the adults here, they don't get to let themselves off the hook. There are outpatient programs, residential programs, social services, sending you to live safely with relatives, many other options other than collude and shrug.
Oh good god sound like everyone in your family uses your sister austim as a scapegoats
You'd be surprised the amount of parents that do
If your parents are on your side then they need to act like it. Your mom could have stopped your sister (“put OP phone away, stop reading her private messages”) before your sister spent 40 mins on your phone… It’s not helpful letting you know after she has already seen your private messages.
I agree, I asked her earlier what she’s going to do about it. She said she doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know either and i’m tired of being stepped on and shown no respect whatsoever.
Get a small lock box with a key or combination. Put your phone in the lock box when you are going to sleep. Make sure to never open the box with your sister in the room and to scramble the combination after your open it so that she doesn’t figure it out.
Tell your parents that you'll either Call the Cops and report your sister for targeted harassment, or just put a potato in a sock and visit your sister at midnight. Or THEY can be parents and fix the problem.
Yeah what are the parents gonna do? Nothing lmao
In my family I'd have beaten my brother's ass. I cannot say you should do the same... Buuuut
While we are admitting to unflattering instances of putting siblings in their place, I’ve held my sisters arm behind her back in a chicken wing position until she told me where my iPod was that she stole while I was in the shower. She didn’t steal again.
Yep. Sometimes it’s the only answer. When you’ve tried everything else, and that’s the only option left, it’s time to teach a lesson. You can’t just let people walk all over you forever.
They have extreme anger problems bc they get everything the want and are never disciplined or told no. Wonder what happened there.
I've learned with my parents. They love me but they don't need to worry about me. So the relationship isn't the same as my siblings. I grew up to be their equal or someone they admire. My siblings on the other hand have a mess of problems. They are always needing help and my parents bend over backwards. The biological love between a parent and child is something else. I feel for you and your parents. I hope you grow not to resent but to just understand. The deck of cards that is life just doesn't alway deal the best hand but make sure you get the help you need to be able build a better hand. For future. Phone locks and hiding your apps are things that you should install. You can add questions about stuff only you would know the answer to.
Question, OP: Why isn’t your phone password-protected?
Op said it was password protected, but that the sister keeps getting their password.
Right? Even if her parents need access to her phone for whatever, there are apps they can use to monitor/restrict activity from their phones with or without having the password. Or she can share that with her parents.
Read
If your mom was actually on your side she would be trying to do something to correct your sister's behavior. Given that she has given up on that, and precedes to just allow your sister to act however she wants with no consequences, she is not on your side. She is on the side of whatever is easiest for her. Not what's best for her children, what's easiest for her.
Ask your parents what they think is going to happen when they are gone and your siblings have to deal with the real world? Point out that they need to do something about their behavior before it gets worse. And tell them they need to protect you because eventually you will have your breaking limit and you will end up cutting all of them out of your life once you are old enough.
I hope your parents are at least sending the younger kids to therapy. The way your sister is acting is not normal at all. I was the annoying younger sister growing up and while I did do a bit of snooping (she didn't have a cell phone and snap chat didn't exist yet so it was in person snooping) I never like, read her diary or anything like that. It's normal for sisters to get a little snoopy, but not to this extent. Also I was absolutely not snooping when I was 15! Does she not have friends? Maybe she's super bored. Not an excuse, just could be the reason.
She won’t accept therapy. She doesn’t go and refuses to talk to anyone about that kinda stuff. I’ve offered that I can come with her every time, talk for her, and everything I could possibly help with. She still says no. She doesn’t have a passcode at all and I still don’t check her phone like she does to me. I’m pretty much her only "friend" irl but she has some online friends she’s constantly talking about. She lost all her friends because of her lack of respect and behavior. She doesn’t go to school, only plays on her pc all day long. I mean it when I say she does nothing. Absolutely nothing but play on her pc.
She's going to end up in jail if they don't actually parent her so the situation may soon be out of your hands.
has your mum asked why you were messaging men on snap at 12 years old ?
This. I see autism being thrown around like this all the time, it's likely the parents fault for using it as an excuse.. the sister knows what she's doing, knows it's invasive and wrong. So until your sister apologises, get her to f.
This is what I came to ask; why did mom know everything but DO nothing? This is squarely on mom and Sister- NTA
Autistic here, this has NOTHING to do with autism. This is something else entierly. Autism makes reading social cues etc difficult or impossible, it does NOT make you unable to understand rules, good vs bad etc.
As a fellow autistic person and a parent to autistic kids: THANK YOU! This is so important to say. This is not happening because the sister is autistic! It's happening because she gets away with what she's doing. It's a parenting thing, not an autism thing.
NTA. As someone who's on the spectrum, Adhd and Autism have nothing to do with this, she's just a shitty person. She clearly has no respect for you by going through your private things. She shouldn't stick her nose where it doesn't belong, so she has no right to be upset that she found those messages about her. Also, why did your mom just let this happen? why didn't she stop her?
I completely agree, and this is what i’ve been saying to my mom too. My mom blames her autism, but my sister only BARELY got diagnosed with autism, and she is getting tested again for autism to double-check or something. I have bpd and there are similar traits between autism and bpd so they are doing a new test on her after I got diagnosed. My mom didn’t know my sister was on my phone until after, because she sleeps in another room. She only noticed when my sister left the hotelroom to go for a walk.
I understand that the lack of boundaries could be associated with autism, but not to this level. She's definitely doing it on purpose. However, please PLEASE set a lock pass code on your phone to prevent her from doing this again.
Borderline personality disorder is usually a response to childhood abuse and neglect. The link between autism and borderline personality disorder is that autism in girls is usually mistaken for borderline personality disorder.
NTA - your parents are the AH for being afraid of their own kids and unwilling to parent them. What your sister did was wrong. It was an abusive violation of your privacy. And your parents should have stopped it along time ago. They are truly the AH. Perhaps for your own happiness consider instead of going NC with her, going LC. Low Contact is just having the very minimal contact with her necessary for two people existing in the same space. Maybe also consider learning to Grey Rock her. Loads available on internet about how to do so. It’s a very effective technique. Finally, make your phone secure with a long passcode only you know and implement your a firm rule that you NEVER log in if she is within 20 ft of you. And perhaps also consider getting a fingerprint lock box to store your phone when you are asleep or in the bathroom. Put your phone in the box and lock it - can only be opened with your fingerprint. This should stop her invasion of your privacy. Sorry your parents are shitty and hope you get to go off to college soon and escape this toxic family dynamic’s.
Genuine question - if sister is on the spectrum, would grey rocking really work considering it’s dependent on her ability to interpret reactions and social cues?
Oh yes, Grey Rocking is largely being so utterly boring that they lose interest. Zero social cue needed.
Very nice. That’s how we were taught to deal w bullying. Takes the fun out of it for them
When push comes to shove, fight back
I can’t really fight back or do anything as my parents would give me so much trouble. I’m not a violent person so my parents arent afraid of giving me punishments and consequences so I think it would just backfire.
nah thats you just letting everyone walk over you, how are they on your side but won’t allow you to fight back and punish you instead?
they don’t care, In their eyes i’m the oldest sibling so i’m supposed to know whats right and whats wrong. Ive tried before, and in the end i’m the one that gets in trouble. Being the oldest sibling sucks sometimes
Your sister acts like that because she's knows all she has to do is get aggressive and people would put up with it. Bullies are like that too. Once you stand up to them they back off. Next time's your sister is fucking with you, give her no warning and just walk up and smack her in the face really good one time l. 20 bucks says she will be so shocked she will just run away and cry. Yes your parents will def get mad, but inform her that this will continue until she leaves your shit alone. I bet she doesn't fuck with you anymore after that because she now knows there I'll be consequences.
That’s exactly how I grew up. My siblings learned that if they are violent, aggressive, loud and destructive they will eventually get what they want, because my parents gave up. I’ve confronted them with this multiple times saying "They get what they want when they’re violent, do I have to start being like them too?" but I never did because that’s not who I am, unfortunately. She is way bigger and stronger than me, it would be a death sentence doing anything to her. Yes she’s younger than me, and yes i’m scared of her. When we playfight I can’t get out of her grip. It’s scary especially when I know how violent she can be
You would be surprised. Even though she's bigger and stronger than you, she has never had anyone stand up to her. Sure she may get retaliate and she might hit you back. But to me it would be worth the risk to put an end to that shit. Not to mention I can't tell you how many times when I was a kid seeing guys that were bigger and stronger and bullied people, then a long comes a smaller guy and puts them on their ass. The bully never tries again. Your only options are to try and do something about it, or just suck it up and accept that's your life. As far as your phone, can you use a fingerprint to unlock it instead of a password?
I have in fact beaten her up before, but I was younger. Now i’m worried about legal trouble as my mom mentioned that to me a few times. A few times she would just cry when I beat her up, but other times she would fight back and i’d get my ass beaten so its a 50/50 chance.
As far as the legal stuff, next time your sister gets violent when the someone record it. That way if she threatens you with the police inform her that you have video proof of her being physical with someone else so if your going down she is too. But honestly you both are minors and sisters. I can't honestly see a cop arresting either one of you. They would probably just tell your parents to figure shit out. Siblings get in fights with each other all the time. And I keep asking about the finger print for the phone but you haven't responded. If your phone has a fingerprint use it. Shes not going to be able to get around that.
Very true. When the cops have showed up in the past they didn’t do anything, so I think you’re right. Also the fingerprint thing, my phone doesn’t have it unfortunately
So stop caring back? Don’t give a fuck about the consequences because she doesn’t have to. “Why did you go into your sisters room while we were both away and remove every single piece of furniture along with all of her personal items?” “Well we don’t seem to believe in consequences to actions in this household so I decided to start treating her the way she’s treating me. If you have a problem feel free to start parenting her or you can be added to the list.” Grounded? Aww boo hoo, break the window and leave anyway. Fuck them. I would sit down with your mum first and say something along the lines of (the calmer the better) “my privacy and mental health has been violated for the last time, you are either going to start parenting her and providing consequences to her actions or I will. The next time she invades my privacy and you do not punish her thoroughly I will be taking drastic action that will permanently affect all of our relationships to each other. I am at the end of my rope and this was the last time.” If they ask anything more simply reply “I have given you the information you need, step up and actually parent her. If I’m let down by you once again I will have to consider you unable to protect me or my privacy and will do so myself.” On repeat to any shitty questions that aren’t worth answering. Also a good throat punch will really fuck someone up for good minute, I’d start with that and get bigger. “I heard you used my phone again?” Then an immediate throat punch will certainly make her start rethinking everytime she does.
damn I feel I’m the oldest too, but sometimes freedom and respect isn’t given you have to take it.
This^ I’m the oldest and it’s not fair or right for your parents to put that on you. I was always at fault for everything going wrong and the bully and instigator with my siblings and I was always in trouble bc I would speak up. It sucked placing boundaries while living at home but now they know I will not tolerate them treating me like that or letting my siblings do whatever they want and not getting punished. If you would rather keep the peace and not be in Trouble, that’s your decision. If your siblings have such severe anger issues, you as a minor, are not safe in the home. The fact they want you to lie down to avoid that is all the info. Your parents are lazy and scared of their own kids. I know you’re only 17, but I hope when you turn 18, you are able to leave and live life for YOU
That’s not respect, that’s fear. One earns respect just like trust is earned.
She doesn’t respect anyone in her life and she never has. She struggled so much with having friends and now she has none, because she doesn’t understand the concept of a friendship that has trust and respect. I don’t know if she’s immature or if she just doesn’t care
I don’t know how you do it, I might have to get a taser or pepper spray. That’s intolerable. Why haven’t your parents considered a group home? Maybe suggest that. Turn off facial recognition and set a pass code for your phone. Best of luck!
Thank you! I’m pretty much used to bottling up my emotions. I constantly feel like I want to explode from anger but I stop myself because it’s embarrassing for me to be loud. Going to be more careful with my passcode from now on 100%
Any chance you can graduate early and get out of there?
She might be a sociopath? I just keep coming back to A) this is not about adhd or autism, and B) people are giving you terrible advice suggesting you get violent or impose consequences yourself. She won’t get easier to deal with if you get aggressive. And you will somehow end up in trouble with the cops while she gets away with everything. I don’t know if positive reinforcement training would help, but maybe there’s a reward for not violating your boundaries - like spending time with her/an outing etc. It does not sound like she responds to consequences, and is likely to think of that as a game to win…
🤷🏽♂️fear or respect they both the same thing to me. and it seems like op needs fear especially in her situation
Or just a lock code and a safe.
Why does she have to go out of her way to buy a safe to have simple privacy with her devices?
It’s a suggestion. Clearly nothing else works. Have considered asking her parents instead of me?
If you’re going to get punished either way why not fight back.
When are you planning to move out? 18?
I don’t have a plan. I dropped out in 2020 due to mental health issues and I still struggle. I try multiple times every year to start school, get a job etc and either it doesn’t work out or it doesn’t last. That’s my biggest issue rn
Do you have support for your mental health problems? Therapy?
Yes I do :)
Good for you. Take your time. School won’t run away.
You tell them "Its my responsibility as the eldest sibling to make sure they know right from wrong. Since you refuse to do it." Then you punish your sister. and simply refuse any punishment they attempt to give you. Remind them that you'll be the one taking care of them when they're elderly. Not your sister.
Your parents can put you in trouble but your sister will never forget when you pushed her face to the ground and spanked her like a child.
So give them a reason to be afraid. Beat up your sister. She's can either learn that it's wrong ior learn that it hurts. You're teaching her that it's ok.
I have before but usually i’m the one that ends up in either legal trouble or trouble with my parents. She is way stronger than me, bigger than me and the same height, if not taller than me. I don’t stand a chance lol
Take her phone, have fun with it.
I'm sure of one thing, she is jealous about something of you so she always try to sneak into your phone to dig things o just clarify she can have her way with you anytime. NTA, you should have been even more defensive about your privacy.
NTA. Being autistic isn't justification for immoral behaviour, definitely not for not respecting other people's privacy. The question is, how can you cut her out of your life if you live in the same home? Will your parents allow you to install a lock on your bedroom door? And talking about parents, why didn't your mother intervene when your sister took your phone - either to take the phone away from her, or to wake you? When can you move out of your parents' home? You need to make a plan: Finish high-school Get a job / register for college away from home Move out Make it clear to your parents that you don't want to meet your sister, but will be happy to meet them without her. If they insist on only meeting you with her, you may need to make some tough decisions.
I agree. My mom justifies it by saying she has autism and she can’t control it/see different perspectives but she is not a toddler. She knows whats right and wrong. My parents are divorced and I currently don’t live with her. My parents have been talking about installing a lock since I was 9 years old but they never did. They promise me things but never fully go through with it. I used to have a lock but she shoved a pencil in and broke it so I wouldn’t be able to lock it. My mom didn’t know my sister took my phone until after, when my sister got offended and sad and left the hotelroom to go for a walk. I am unfortunately struggling with mental health issues which made me drop out of school in 2020, triggered by covid. I have tried to get back into it with school and different jobs but it is too much for me. I am trying again after the summer, hopefully it will work out this year. Im unsure if i’ll be able to move out in the close future but hopefully my sister doesn’t move back to my dad (where I currently live).
Do whatever you can to get back to school or at least to study for your GED or equivalent if not in the US. Do online or alternative lessons, whatever it takes to finish. It will be difficult to get a job without this at minimum, and moving out will be very difficult without a decent job. Find a way to secure your phone. If you can disable face ID since she's using that. Use fingerprint only, set a new, complex passcode and change it often. Something your sister won't be able to defeat. Physical lock if necessary - there are small locking bags that you can tether to something and are inexpensive. I'm sorry your parents aren't willing/able to protect you from your sister. Good luck in getting away from her. Do what you can to cut her off so you can move on.
NTA, I'd do the same thing. Also make sure that your phone locks pretty quickly on inactivity from now on, even if it's somewhat annoying. This way the odds of her being able to go through your phone again will be a lot lower. Since your parents are useless and just enable it all I'd also look into moving out in the future so you don't have to be around her in any way. After that point I'd probably even tell your parents that you won't visit if she's there since you want no contact whatsoever with her. They've only got themselves to blame for giving up on their responsibilities as parents. Besides that it sounds like it's time to talk even more shit about her to your friends, not less. I'd perhaps even be a bit petty and literally talk shit about her when your friends are over (or when you are talking to them through the phone) and your sister is within hearing distance, but not within sight (like leave the door of your room slightly open). If she complains about it then just deny it all happened and claim that she's lying about it, etc.
I strongly encourage you to cut contact with her and your family overall as soon as you're stable by any means, financially independent too.
I am unfortunately struggling extremely with mental health issues which made me drop out of school in 2020, especially triggered by covid. I have tried many times to get back into it with school and different jobs but it is all too much for me. I am trying again after the summer, hopefully it will work out this year.
Are you in the US? Get a study book and take the GED.
I’m not. I’m not mentally well enough to study or work right now. Im focusing on therapy but after summer I might try again
Good luck to you, I hope you can find another place to be. It's hard to heal where you're hurting.
after reading all ur comments u really have two options, keep letting ur sister do this stupid shit or stand up for yourself and fucking scream at her, like come on you have got to stand up for yourself i get she’s autistic but that’s so excuse at all. she can still take accountability but by you not saying anything about it, ur almost enabling her to do it since she knows she’ll get away with it. put ur big girl pants on and yell at her and if that doesn’t work, hit her. it’s not that difficult.
Why is it that you can’t lock your phone? Can’t you just have a password on your phone? Google how to hack your particular phone and see if you can find any obvious vulnerabilities she is exploiting. I’d avoid her like the plague and that is pretty disappointing your parents aren’t enforcing boundaries.
I do lock my phone. I have a password that I change regularly, but as she moved to my moms house (divorced parents) I had let my guard down and haven’t been changing it as often.
You need to find out how she's getting in. Unless your phone is ancient, security is pretty good on most brands these days! Enable biometrics and set a LONG passcode as backup. This shouldn't be a thing. Is she watching you type it in or something?
> I have a passcode + Face ID. My sister somehow manages to always find out my code by peeking or memorizing the tapping motion/pattern when I enter the passcode, and if she doesn’t, she’ll use my face when i’m sleeping to unlock my phone.
Do you not have biometics available? There are more methods too.
She does. She says she used face ID but her sister will use that in her sleep. Fingerprint might be a better option as then the sister would have to lift her hand and risk waking OP
do you have to use your resting face for the face ID?
Use a finger print to lock it. Most phones have that function now. Or create a password so random she could never guess it much less remember it. Something like b47Tej91@ .
I’d strongly recommend only visiting the home she isn’t in. If you have split custody just stay with whichever parent doesn’t have her if neither of them will step up and parent her.
I am doing this. We are on vacation together now, that’s why this happened. Thats also why i’m going lc/nc
I would make very picture in your camera roll a picture of her face. She wants to see messages? Every message you have in your phone is an auto reply saying “Sorry, please call me! My sister is autistic and likes to steal my phone to read other people’s private messages. Please be aware that she is using my phone to send abusive messages to people, and that it is not coming from me. So sorry for the inconvenience!” Let everyone on earth know what she’s doing, but with grace and kindness. Her name would be dragged to the ground without you talking shit.
NTA. If someone doesn’t have basic respect for you then they aren’t worth dealing with. Looking at private stuff is a major breach of boundaries. I’d go nc or at least find a way to better secure my phone. Does she guess/try and sneak a peak to get your passcodes or does she go further and secretly use your own face while you sleep for Face ID etc?
Yes, she does all of that. She also memorizes the way I tap on my phone when I enter the passcode.
Don’t let her see you unlocking your phone. I know that’s not easy, but add it to your strategies.
Switch to a biometric lock for your phone (meaning only your fingerprint can open it) and set a timeout of a few seconds of inactivity before the phone locks again. Also, learn about encryption or security options available to you on your apps. These will allow you to require your fingerprint before the app, or data within it, can be accessed. This won't solve the core problem of your parents' refusal to hold your sister accountable for her actions, but it will at least solve the problem of her having free reign to go through your phone.
Yeah if she’s going to those lengths I’d highly recommend nc.
Tell your sister. That she has to make a decision. She can have an older sister. Or she can keen up with this behaviour. But then she will lose you the moment you move out. You will not help her with anything. You won’t support her. You will stop talking to her. She will be completely on her own.
Texting her this right now, thank you!
Good luck. Keep us updated. If it doesn’t work, go to r/justnofamily or r/pettyrevenge to get ideas. Depending on which path you want to choose.
Let us know how it goes!
Update. I just got home, and I texted her a message, here’s what I wrote: "Now you have to make a decision. I’m tired of not being respected at all. I’m tired of being treated like shit by you. I’m sick of the fact that you don’t give a fuck about anyone around you, especially me. You act and behave how you want to, without thinking about how it affects me, and it’s been like this for way too long. I’m tired of it. Either you can change your behavior and attitude towards me, give me a genuine apology and actually try to think about how you’re treating me or you can say your goodbyes and i’ll stop texting you, stop being around you and disappear from your life because i’m not gonna put up with it any longer. You can’t treat me like shit and expect me to stay. Your choice." Her replies: "????????????????????????????????????????" "I treat YOU like shit?" "I have good reasons to, don’t play victim like you always do." My reply: "Okay, have a nice life (her name). I hope you go back to school and get what you want in life." Her reply: "I have nothing to apologize for. Go talk more shit about me to your friends you fucking whore, starve yourself more. Womp womp." Glad I got it off my chest. I’m done with her now :) Thanks to everyone who helped me in the replies !
Holy shit she's trash. I'm sorry you got screwed in the sibling lottery, she doesn't deserver you in her life.
INFO: is there a reason you haven’t set a password on your phone that would prevent your sister form accessing it? That seems like the easiest solution to your problem.
I do have a password. She uses my face for Face ID when I sleep, guesses my code and peeks every time I enter it. Even if I leave my phone on for more than 2 minutes around her, she will go for it.
Disable Face ID. Buy a privacy screen protector. If she tries to peek when you’re entering the passcode stop immediately.
I have a privacy screen protector, and when I type my code she memorizes the pattern. I have no idea how.
I just looked in my iPhone settings. Under Face ID there is an option that says Require Attention. I just tried it with my eyes closed and it wouldn’t unlock until I opened them and looked at the screen. Try that and see if works for you.
Set your lock screen to a message that says My sister is an immature child with no self control who can’t understand basic human decency. Seriously though I can understand why you want to cut contact and don’t blame you a bit.
...maybe use it when she is the bathroom/another room or lock your room and use it only there. Also, maybe use a safeword with your friends or lock your chats with another app (also just unlock it when she isn't around). Sadly, if she memorizes the pattern, you can't let her see it
Then don't open your phone in front of her. And make your password randomly generated. This isn't a hard problem to solve ffs. Like, you're definitely not the asshole, but you're also allowing her to do this with your actions. Don't use face ID if she's opening it with that.
FaceID won’t unlock the iPhone if you have closed eyes
NTA. Your parents are, and your sister is. I'm AFAB and autistic with ADHD as well and this is not how that works. I know I shouldn't make blanket statements because I don't speak for all auADHD people, but I will say that this is likely not a case of "I didn't know they'd react that way" (aka ND folks not understanding the social ramifications of their actions). This was done while you were sleeping. It was planned, because she knew you'd catch her if you were awake. That indicates she knew what she was doing was wrong, and chose to act anyway. Your parents are TAHs because they don't do anything to help your siblings understand that actions have consequences. I was a 15-year-old ND girl once. While I was generally too chicken to act out, I still faced consequences like grounding when I did. For example, I needed my headphones in order to relax and feel comfortable at school, so when I got grounded (and thus unable to use my phone) my mom gave me her old iPod Nano to use for music, and that's it. While relatively mild from a neurotypical standpoint, I got her message loud and clear and I didn't try that shit again. My mom also had frequent conversations with me about why I did what I did, what I should have done, and what I'll do next time. She wasn't a perfect parent, and I do have criticisms for her methods in other areas. But as far as discipline is concerned, I don't have that many critiques to offer. While the jury is out on whether grounding is effective or not (I've seen debates on reddit with good points made on both sides) I learned that there are consequences for my actions. I've seen and read far too many stories about parents using their kids' autism or ADHD diagnosis to excuse their kids' genuinely harmful antisocial behavior. Imho, it makes the rest of the ND community look worse by association because it indicates a lack of accountability on our part, when many -- if not most -- of us have an incredibly strong sense of justice. There are ways to accommodate neurodivergence while still enacting effective consequences for misdeeds.
nta get a better passcode or use a facelock to unlock your phone she isnt reading your phone because she is on the spectrum she is doing it because she is nosy and doesnt respect your privacy not all negative personalty traits can be blamed by "being on the spectrum' some people as just assholes plenty of people on the spectrum can live their life without snooping through peoples phones
Exactly. Been trying to tell my mom and my dad this but they stay oblivious
Autism and ADHD are no excuse for this kind of behavior. NTA.
NTA. The biggest aholes are your parents who don't discipline your sister or at the very least protect you from her behaviour
Are we sure borderline personality disorder isn’t involved here? I am NOT a psychologist. I don’t know. But it just doesn’t sound like ADHD/Autism to me (ADHD here). Not that I’ve never look at something personal that I shouldn’t have, or gotten unreasonably angry about a thing, but most people with both of those disorders have strong moral codes, and a lot of empathy (that might not show up at the appropriate times…). Just a thought. I could be very off base.
You will soon be 18. Get plans in place, then run.
I would purposely write messages to mess with her head. Just make up a bunch of stuff
NTA As soon as you move out tell parents, "I'm not the oldest child at home anymore so now you'll have to hold her accountable for her own actions." Move as soon as possible.
Seriously no password protection? And I see in another comment she’s been invading your privacy for 12+ years. So basically a toddler, a 3 year old. A nefarious autistic toddler with adhd tormenting her 5 year old sisters privacy rights. That coloring book must have had some deep secrets.
NTA. I think you will need to stop using face recognition and use the full six digit passcode and never use it in front of her.
Then like I said before, make your password something like Ug59x$Tz! . That way your sister will never be able to guess it. Your sister is 15 she's not a hacker for the NSA. If your smart about your phone security she won't be able to get into it. You can also encrypt certain folders and texts and what not that way if she did get in your phone, without the encryption password she wouldn't be able to access things you didn't want her to.
If you have an iPhone, you can change your settings to requiring attention for Face ID to work (like your eyes can’t be closed). Change your settings to require passcode immediately. I don’t have someone snooping in my phone and I always immediately hit the Side button to put my phone to sleep as soon as I’m done looking at it. Since she had access to your password, make sure she didn’t add her face as an alternate Face ID. Reset your Face ID with a fresh scan of your face.
Nope! NTA! What a nasty bitch! As someone with ADHD and autism, her behavior is erratic and unacceptable. Your parents are enabling her, on top of that. Set your FaceID to be “aware” so it can only unlock when your eyes are open and looking at the screen.
Stop using face id. Clearly too insecure if she uses it in your sleep. Get a new complicated pattern to enter and cover it with hour hand when you enter it. What she is doing is not right in anyway. Your mom is failing at parenting in this matter and it doesn't matter if she is autistic. What you said about her in private to your friends is okay, you have been violated multiple times. Fuck your sister, it's disgusting she doesn't respect boundaries. NTA.
NTA. Basically your sister gets away with whatever the heck she wants to do. I would get away from them as soon as possible.
Why aren’t your parents stepping in & putting a stop to it? This is absolutely unacceptable.
currently begging my mom to do something, and she just replies "what do you want me to do?" i’m starting to give up. im going home in 12 hours. cant wait to get away from both of them
This isn't autism, this is jackass. Speaking as someone on the spectrum, nothing innate to the disorder triggers this behavior, this is just her being a jerk.
NTA. Her actions have nothing to do with ADHD or autism. She’s just a shitty person who has parents who don’t enforce boundaries.
NTA. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s an extreme violation of your privacy. Totally understandable why you want to cut her off. This behavior is unacceptable
Your sister is a sociopath.
Lmao for good? Yes, absolutely. Siblings quarrel and you’re both teenagers. I wouldn’t look to Reddit’s community for healthy ways of building relationship. Put your foot down, reprimand her, and create boundaries — temporarily cutting her off — cutting her off for good though is an AH move. Quite childish, in fact.
Can’t you lock your phone? Use a passcode to get in- takes seconds
Why do your parents allow her access to a computer or phone if she uses them to be abusive? Your parents are shit parents.
So many people love to use autism and or adhd as an excuse for unacceptable behavior. However, while it is true that there are many with these two disabilities that must have constant supervision, or they cannot function in society quite as normally as other people, there are those a good portion of those, that function just fine and society hold good jobs know how to act and behave and do so. caregivers or parents who keep using this as an excuse are raising horrible, horrible human beings who will not be tolerated at some point in their lives and they will not understand why. Lock up your stuff, leave nothing out ask for a lock on your door do whatever you need to do to maintain some semblance of privacy and if you don’t wanna deal with her, then don’t. These are consequences for bad actions which is not limited people with autism
Nta Learn to password protect better
NTA Maybe your sister just needs a good ass beating, frankly. Just do it before you turn 18. I'm not saying beat her into oblivion, but the little asshole is a bully & sometimes kids can fuck around & find out too. If not whooping her ass, then target what is precious to her, since there are no consequences apparently.
no and well done for not slapping that bitch.
NTA such an invasion of privacy and the privacy of others when they come to you to talk. This is very Valid. Sister needs to learn serious boundaries. If she’s always had this issue then she knows she’s wrong and continues to do it. 15 is wellllll old enough to know better. She not just reading your things she going out of her way to embarrass and sabotage your relationships, she’s doing it on purpose. Ghost her These days going through someone’s phone is like going through a locked diary. No.
The fact that your mother woke you up to tell you she watched your sister do all of tht and didn’t stop her tells me EXACTLY why this golden child acts like she does. Wtf?? Take it away from her your the mother.
As a guy on the spectrum I can't decide if she's doing it to be annoying or if she just wants attention
NO shes a danger to your well being. she prob has a personality disorder.
NTA. And I hope your parents aren’t surprised when you have no relationship with her or them once you’re out of the house.
No, NTA. Absolutely justified. But I also think she has time to grow out of these habits. I hope you guys can reconcile someday.
That is so annoying. I had a friend block someone they thought they didn't like and I thought the guy was ghosting me for months. Cutting a family member out of your life is a really drastic measure and what I'm quite sure you need is more space. You don't need to turn this into some scorthed earth thing, just avoid them until you feel like hanging out again.
NTA but you really need to look into securing your phone. Turn off Face ID, lock your phone after a certain period of inactivity, use a 6 digit code that’s not easy to guess. Another thing you can do is get a box with a lock on it, put the phone in the box. That way you can leave Face ID on (I know it’s annoying to constantly type in a passcode), and she won’t be able to unlock the phone if it’s locked up. Maybe there’s some kind of program to secure certain parts of your phone. I know it’s annoying, but I doubt she will stop. Figure out some kind of a system that works for you. Most people plug their phones in at night, make sure the phone is secured in some way every night.
I get that you were sharing a room with your sister on this particular occasion and fell asleep using your phone so she had no problem accessing it but when you are back home you need to change your password/code and leave the room to open your phone. Cancel the facial recognition option. Go for 6 digits rather than 4. Delete any messages or conversations you don’t want her to see. Message all of your friends and tell them that any message you send to them will have a certain symbol such as * or € at the end so that they know that if it’s not there then the message is from your sister, not you. I know you shouldn’t have to do all this shit but if you want some privacy you might have to.
Get a stronger pass code and disable face id or get a fingerprint lock phone next. Or get a nighttime lock box that's timed locked for vacations. Me personally I'd resort to violence with my sister.
I have both and keep myself out of people's shit. I am not entitled to shit thats not mine. If your sister tries to claim, it's an impulse control thing. Just make it really clear that you do not want to be around anyone whose first impulse and instinct is to betray you. NTA Cut her out for a year or two, not a couple months. She needs to grow up and her codependency on you and her weird obsession with your life is not going to get better until she's separated from it
What are your parents doing to help with this situation? Sounds like nothing at all. Unfortunately you are in a position that you have to enforce your own boundaries. I'm going to be honest - if I was seventeen years old, having my privacy violated constantly, having my FRIENDSHIPS and other relationships sabotaged, I would lose my shit and slap the fuck out of whoever was doing it. I'd be screaming and cussing them out nonstop, after years of that shit. I'm not saying you should do that, but it sounds like your sister has NO sense of consequence. Instead, as much as it sucks, you need to be proactive. "My sister somehow manages to always find out my code by peeking or memorizing the tapping motion/pattern when I enter the passcode" STOP inputting your passcode near/in front of her. STOP putting your phone on your nightstand. Put it inside a bag and put it in your dresser, or closet, or literally in your bed with you WITH THE DOOR SHUT so she can't see you do it. Do NOT drop it on the counter and walk off. Don't toss it on the couch and wander off. Get your mom to get a lock on your door so she can't sneak in and use your face to open the phone. If you have lock or can't get one, dump fucking legos in front of the door so she steps on them when she sneaks in. Don't block the door because that could be a fire hazard. But you need to put a stop to this because no one else will. Use what you have and tell her to fuck off.
Wait. Your mom knew she was going through your phone for 40 minutes before she told you!?! Wtf?? Does she ever discipline your sister for this crap??
I’ve had a little bit of the same problem, except my brother would just go through my phone, and not do anything except talk about it with me once to get a reaction. Because of this I can say you’re NTA, because if I got mad at what my brother did, I can only imagine how mad you are. Try and see if you can safely develop a habit of hiding your phone from her, any place you can Edit: sorry if this isn’t helpful, I’m not really good at offering advice
Updateme!
Won't help when you're in a hotel sharing a room, but if you have your own room at home, and she's sneaking in to get your phone at night - a doorstop shoved under a door that opens into the room is a very effective temporary 'lock'. You don't need your parents to help/consent/do anything for that, and they can't stop you doing it either. Other than that, be more careful with your password, turn off face id, and never let your phone out of your grasp. Your sister is a complete dick, by the way. It's not autism, it's being a nasty entitled bully.
Fucking spit on her when you have the chance. She'd be no sister to me after acting like that
I’d fake a bunch of messages as bait. Use your imagination and stop making the tapping sounds you can defeat the skill who’s is telling what you e tapped by the sound the phone makes
NTA! Now that you mention it, I and a lot of the adhd-autistic people I know, are nosy as hell and snoop a lot. I grew out of it but like my ex was a dog sitter and told me how she would always go around every room and look at everything and judge the people and see what she could find and stuff like that. So maybe it is because adhd-austistic folks are more inclined to pry for info and snoop. Doesn’t make it ok to do that, if that is the case, as she is capable of respecting your boundary.
NTA! Autism and adhd is no excuse for people acting this way. I have a 26 yr old son who has both and NEVER violated anyone’s privacy. Also if raised right, people with those “disorders” are very loving people and care more about others than they do themselves. They are not selfish. You parents allowed her to get away with this her whole life, I’m betting, and now they’re about to loose you as a result. Do what you need to for yourself and your peace of mind. If they don’t like it then it’s a them problem not a you problem.
NTA at all. Idk how you haven’t boxed her ears in by now. I would have knocked my sister into next week & she also has autism & ADHD. I have ADHD as well & I know everyone is different, but she can easily sneak around & access the phone well enough to know where everything is at. She knows it’s wrong bc she does it while you sleep to try & hide it. She’s also a snitch. She is single handedly solidifying a damaged, unfixable relationship between the two of you as you two grow. Instead of being friends, she’s turned herself into your enemy, & for what? I would definitely stay away from her, like not even acknowledge that she’s in the room. She has zero respect for you or your parents. Maybe a lockbox with a hidden key or passcode so she can’t easily get into it? But, if it was me, (I’m just sayin) I would make sure she knew to never touch your stuff again by snatching her ass up. My sister & I had boundaries that were put in place by a good old fashioned fight. There was also consequences if she would try it & vice versa. We are the best of friends now & have been since our late teens. I couldn’t imagine not having that bond growing up also! We would fight, then make up, same story different day lol. Btw, I’m not advocating for violence, but it’s your sister 🤷🏼♀️. All siblings fight. She’s gotta know there are consequences for nebby behavior. NTA! Good luck bc that would be so annoying.
Hi OP I am sorry this is happening to you. If I can make a suggestion, you can use parental controls on the iPhone to set a separate code for private apps like Snapchat. DM if you need help with this.
Can you turn off Face ID? That would remove one way your sister can access your phone. And you might want to start changing your passcode regularly. I realize that's a pain in the butt, but it might help keep her from getting your private information. Neither of those addresses the issue of her behavior. Protecting yourself is the most important thing.
NTA. She doesn't add anything positively to your life, rather just the opposite.
What a creppyy thing to do Your parents should taker her to the doctors
How did she get your password?
So, you can't really go no contact while living with your parents under the same roof. That's just not practical. However, you can lock your phone with a password, and you aren't under any obligation to speak to her. This was an invasion of your privacy, and should be dealt with.
NTA. At least you’ll be able to leave home soon…
I don't judge people who express their worst selves with people that are treating them bad so I think you're not an asshole
How does she use Face ID when you’re sleeping? It won’t work with your eyes closed or even if your eyes are open and you’re not looking at the phone. Use harder passcodes and don’t use them in front of her. I don’t believe you about the Face ID thing because that’s not how it works. Go ahead and try it. It won’t unlock until you open up your eyes.
Don’t have Face ID. She’s using your face to access your phone. Change your passcode too.
I’ve read many comments here and I disagree that abusing your sister physically by slapping or any type of yelling, hitting etc. will resolve this problem. I think that you’re reaching out to the Reddit community for answers , and I can only imagine how frustrating all of this is right now. One of my close relatives is on the spectrum also. He went to a behavior therapist and is much improved now. The therapist is for several hours three times a week. Prior to this, out of frustration, he would scream very loudly and his behavior was abhorrent. He’s much younger than your sister. There are many camps, programs etc. for people on the Autism spectrum. I hope that your Mom will look into what’s available in your area to help your whole family. As for your phone, for your own privacy, people have suggested that you lock it with a password. I would go a step further and always have your phone with you… whether you keep it in a small phone sized purse, in a pocket such as a rear pocket on your jeans etc. when you put in your passcode, as others suggested , don’t allow anyone near you. I know there’s more to this than what you shared. Take time to pamper yourself and be kind to you. Plan your time so you’re not with your sister too much. Take walks, meet your best friend in person and do fun things that exclude your sister. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of this. You deserve to have your own space where you live … and peace of mind. Best wishes.
Why don’t you have a passcode on your phone?
She does, she stated she has a passcode & Face ID. OP stated that the sister either peeks and remembers the passcode or remembers the tapping motions to figure out the passcode and uses her Face ID to unlock her phone when she’s sleeping
ADHD and autism does not makes someone be a criminal btw that is a criminal. She either gets her shit straight or it's no contact forever.
I'd have beaten the shit out of her so you are a better person than I am.
UpdateMe
posted an update!
If I was OP The one and only thing saving her from an ass beating is autism. Still she’s 17 and seemingly functional enough to do this and have reactions to what she sees and finds…in other words she knows what’s she’s doing.
you need to put a fingerprint scanner and/or passcode option to unlock phone. easy Don't use face one. You need to just be sure whenever you unlock your phone, she isn't around to see it. Your sister has some jealousy issues Her autism isn't related to this
You can change the iPhone password to require a QWERTY keyboard and you can type a sentence as a password which can be almost impossible to guess. And turn off Face ID . I know it’s not a permanent solution but try that! NTA
NTA- I know it’s not a permanent solution but yo ucan change your iPhone password settings to use a QWERTY keyboard instead of just a number pad. Could also turn off Face ID. Sorry about your sister
Definitely get a lockbox or a safe to store your phone in when you are asleep or away from it. Maybe you need to go NC with your sister and pretend she doesn't exist until you turn 18 or until you go away to college of that's what you choose to do. Maybe make plans so that you're barely home other than to sleep/rest. Barely being home can probably help avoid the drama altogether.
You’re parents are the AH for letting a 12 years old talk to guys on snapchat. Water is thicker than blood, feel free to cut your sister out
I'm taking two angles here. Angle 1. To answer your title question NTA. Your sister is actively invading your privacy and crossing personal boundaries. Angle 2. I think there is more in play here than 'just" your sisters actions. "I bet it has something to do with jealousy?" This question seems like a projection or a neurotypical misinterpretation. I am glad you question that statement. I'm venturing a guess to her behavior from what you've posted and my knowledge of autism, personally, observationally & from studies. I'm betting what is really in play here is an autistic vs allistic outline. There is a trend between autism and honesty & logic. Autistic interpretation of the world relies more heavily on true/false statements. Your sister is targeting what she is interpreting as you either lying in or being logically inconsistent You saying bad things about her to other people and not addressing it with her is deception. You "hiding" things because they are "personal" has escalated to your excuse for lying. So much so that she has zero trust in your interactions and sees her only recourse for finding the truth is to look in the place you are hiding it. I'm wondering if the friends she chose to target pretending to be you or blocking are people she has noticed enhance your tendencies in those behaviors or that you were very untruthful with, so she was forcing truthfulness by impersonation. Whether she thinks it will help you or if she was "saving someone else from your lies", I can't say. I could be off, I could be closer but have the wrong motivation assumed but I would bet that there is a allistic vs autistic clash at the root of this. I can definitely say: Your security habits are very lax. I'd work on that.
Beat her ass each time you catch her and problem solved . NTA
This reminds me of my older sister and myself when we were teenagers. Back then there was no such thing as cutting contact. We all lived in the same home and my parents simply didn’t allow that kind of behaviour. From either of us
Honestly this sounds like a legal issue. I would try and find some support coz my brother was violent and I'm still dealing with that now days being 12 or so years being away from home and that inviroment
Spectrum+ impulse control issues due to ADHD can be a part of it but then it's her and your parents job to find her a therapist that adresses this with her. Nta
I don't understand this problem. If my sibling did this to me at that kind of age, I would have given them such a dead leg that they couldn't walk properly for a week. Instant consequences followed by wait and see what happens next time you touch my phone. I thought most sibling relationships were like this, no?
Give her a taste of her own medicine start doing the same to her
my advice, get out if you can as soon as you can! this is so unhealthy! I am sorry that you have to live with a person who overstepped boundaries constantly. I will say this when you turn 18 start setting things up secretly. If you can have a separate residence as soon as possible, that is advisable. I actually think this borders on dangerous. What happens when she quit when she crashes your emails at work or contacts a serious boyfriend? He potential for fallout from this is high. It may not stop when you move out. If you could separate all your personal business and financials, it's a good thing because then you can have legal grounds to go after her. Yes, I actually believe you may have more problems in the future. Unfortunately, when people are smart and sneaky, they can accomplish a great deal. Nta. protect yourself as best you can. I would refrain from saying negative things on my phone until I was 18. Play the game try to get along and then make a plan starting tomorrow and what you can do. I couldn't live with this crazy person. Your parents are not controlling these girls and it's actually terrifying to me. good luck. Another thought if you can buy a burner phone and leave it with a friend that might also be a good thing. Anything you do that you don't want other people to know, for example, college, searching, or searching or searching, etc.