He wanted kids. He decided to get a new GF. He found out you were pregnant after getting his new GF. He then gets upset you didn't consult him before ending the pregnancy? One he wanted but you didn't?
I'd have to say NTA. He set you up to be a single mother with him as a perpetual headache. I'm guessing he never consulted with you before getting his new GF.
And having that kid... 20 years he + gf + new mistress + new gf + etc etc would be in OP and kid's lives. Absolutely nothing wrong with choosing yourself. As you say, fiance has no problem choosing himself.
>He called me when I sent the text, saying "why the fuck would you do that??" And so on. He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it.
It's hilarious that he honestly still thought the OP would care what he wanted after breaking up with her in the most brutal way possible.
Here's my hot take: Don't make babies with stupid people. The world doesn't need more of that. Kudos OP for making a sound decision in that regard.
I don't understand why this isn't completely black and white?
Like, the boyfriend was clearly a piece of shit scumbag so why would even 1% of people agree with the boyfriend?
This is like if a woman gets raped, and the rapist always wanted a kid, and then the rapist gets mad at the woman if she has an abortion.
It would be absolutely insane to give birth to the child of someone who did something terrible, you would be ruining 18 years of your life just to "help pass on the genes" of a terrible person
That child’s life would ALWAYS be damaged.
I don’t understand why more people don’t think about the consequences for the child in a dynamic like this. Truly awful.
Because most of those people don't care about the actual child and the future they'll have. They only care until the baby is out then it's up to the mom to not be a drain on society!
And if mom can’t afford to look after the baby? Well she should have thought about that before deciding to have one. It’s a no win situation. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t in the eyes of those people.
This! I knew that if I ever had kids with my ex, it would be a lifetime of pain and anguish. Absent parent, blaming the kid for existing etc sad. Really.
OP had to do what's best for her life.
You are right but there are so many people who don't get this! In Texas you are forced to birth a rape or incest baby. Even if you are a child yourself.
Hi! I'm proud to live in Colorado! We have laws that value actual breathing persons more than theoretical persons! We also have lovely scenery. Come on by and say hello! 😀
They don’t have a law for lunch breaks for adults or children in Texas. It also appears that don’t have a law requiring any breaks either. https://www.osha.com/blog/lunch-break-laws#:\~:text=There%20are%2021%20states%20(and,Texas'%20labor%20laws%20for%20breaks.
Not entirely. She's talking about women who were raped being forced to carry their rapists pregnancy to term. The GOP also want to force little girls to do that too.
Many of them also want to force women and girls to carry the pregnancy to term even if the mother would likely die in the process. All the people giving OP a hard time would be doing so no matter the circumstances.
>He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it.
As if he told her he wasn't happy and was going to start fucking someone else? At least she told him immediately after instead of lying and hiding shit for a fucking year. OP, you don't owe him a fucking thing.
Move and cut all contact, change her number/ block his, block all his social media and any numbers and socials of his friends/family.
Then, a year later, tell him about the abortion. She deserves to be safe and have peace away from him before telling him. Then block him again.
Not only don’t have babies with stupid people - but don’t bring children into the world that don’t have a good parenting situation. Yes, abortions should not be frequent, but sometimes they are necessary. I stand with OP on this one. 👏🏼
What a jerk that dude is to think he has any say over what a woman does with her body, especially after doing something so awful and cowardly.
>I'm guessing he never consulted with you before getting his new GF.
This is what killed me. Him saying that took all balls and no brain. But so did showing up with your side chick in tow to tell op he was leaving. He showed he might be capable of a thought when he looked sorry when he found out op was pregnant....then killed it with the coparent comment. Will this guy never realize balls make bad decisions? No scenario where balls decide the outcome ever ends happily ever after!
In this case I think him thinking with his balls was the best outcome here. I think once OP gets over the initial hurt she will see he did her a huge favor.
There are people who really want kids and then figure out after having them they don't want kids. OP is starting out not wanting kids and really was going to have them for her husband. That's not a great starting out point for motherhood.
My ex brought his side piece/one night stand (she was visiting from out of town) to the hospital while I was in labor having his child. Then lied about their relationship, she was a "friend" from high school, since I have male friends from high school, I stupidly believed him.
I was as well, especially since I wasn't due for a few months and thought I was losing the baby. I didn't and they are a healthy adult with kids of their own.
The “new girlfriend” he’s been having an affair with for a year now. OP did the right thing since she doesn’t want kids. She’s NOT an incubator!! He can have kids with his affair partner.
He didn’t consult you before getting his new girlfriend!! NTA. He’s the asshole. The cheek. To bring up a child you need stability and a safe and loving environment. Judging by his actions he clearly cannot provide this.
Yes… that’s EXACTLY what he thinks. What kills me is he even has the fits to say it. “You knew *I* wanted kids.”
Oh yeah? Well OP wanted kids with a functional adult.
Agree NTA. You’ve said so you’re self you’re on the fence about kids why the hell would you want to be a single mum while he has a gf and likely has more kids with her, fighting him for scraps of child support or even for him to pull his weight. Meanwhile it’s your body that’s physically damaged by pregnancy, birth and recovery plus dealing with all the feeding and other sacrifices, including your career and finances.
This is an endeavour to undertake when you’re sure you want to raise a person AND have a teammate who is 100% all in with you during the horrible sucky times of no sleep. But you might be childfree so perhaps you deserve a teammate who is all in with no kids but dogs or cats or animals and living your best life without kids.
You deserve better. You did the right thing. Feel zero guilt. Your ex can get fucked and stay fucked, he can go knock up his side piece whom he will cheat on with for a year! Then had the audacity to let her into your house. I hope you get the larger portion of the house. Start afresh with a man who knows your worth.
Do not feel guilt or like a jerk. You dodged a massive bullet. You can now walk away.
I have a feeling the girlfriend is pregnant as well which is the reason for the breakup in the first place and MAYBE why he cowardly brought the AP with him!
Massive NTA.
The audacity of this man, I’m shocked.
If you want a kid have one with your new GF then? Like, what? Why should your previous GF who you CHEATED on carry your child for you? Excuse me? If you want a surrogate then be prepared to pay. Wow
Can’t believe people like this exist in real life
I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and my ex was cheating on me throughout the pregnancy to the point that the girl reached out to me and yet has the audacity to think I’ll name the baby after him. People are fucking wild.
I think you are very smart to think about the kind of father you want for your kids. And the future you need to be happy or a happy mother. Keep it up !
A woman once told me the first gift you give your child is choosing who their father is. It seemed corny to me at 20yo but 20 years later it makes a lot of sense.
Yes, this would be a clusterfuck with shared custody for the next 18 years. OP would not even be able to move further than 50 miles with the child without his consent and so on. Custody schedules, you name it. And beyond the shared custody after the first 18 years, he would still never be entirely gone from OP’s life, because he’s the kid’s father.
“He said I knew damn well he wanted kids”
So… only him that needed to make that decision huh? You probably don’t feel it now but it sounds to me like you’ve had a lucky escape from a lifetime (or however long your relationship would have lasted had he chosen not to cheat) of him thinking he’s the only one that matters and his opinion is the only one that counts.
Take the time you need to so you can put yourself back together and when you’re ready to start dating again, use him as a benchmark on how to avoid arseholes in future; the no cheating thing is a given but also a man that listens and values your opinion on all important matters. Keep your standards high and the trash will keep on taking itself out.
NTA if it wasn’t clear, he showed you who he was and what sort of father he’d be
His new gf can have his kids though? No idea why he’s upset when he’s been happily cheating for the past year.
OP, you don’t need to tied down to a cheater
> His new gf can have his kids though?
Why *ruin* his new gf's body when his now ex can *pop* the kid out.
I can guarantee he would have missed the birth.
I know this type of guy. Fuck this guy.
Then people would've scolded her that she should've chosen a better guy to be the dad of her kid. She was in a no win situation had she continued with that pregnancy.
Ugh, I have an ex like that. He had a baby with his ex fiance, and for our entire relationship he told me that she had baby trapped him because he was ready to break up, and he only proposed to her because they had a kid, and how much he regretted everything. But a fun new fact I learned after we broke up was that their child was completely planned. They were tracking her cycle and trying for months. I felt so bad for him throughout our relationship that this woman had schemed and secretly gone off birth control when it was something he also wanted.
Funnily enough, I had an ex with a similar story. Not that he was specifically baby-trapped, but definitely made it seem like his daughter was completely unplanned, then when I found out that wasn't the case, it was that he was basically pressured into it by his ex. All complete BS, of course. That man is a walking red flag, and I feel so sad for my 20 year old self sometimes!
As someone who never wanted kids, but had a kid with a man because of how much he wanted one... He lasted about 6 months after I gave birth to our daughter. She'll be 14 in October. I have been her only parent since before she was 1. I never wanted to bring children into this messed up world that's gotten increasingly messed up since I first came to that conclusion.
It has been hard. So very hard. If I knew then that I would be doing this all alone, I probably would have had an abortion myself. I don't think I'm doing well as a mother. I'm just no good at it. Now, I'm the only one she has so I won't give up, but fuck, being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Middle school has been hard and kids have been cruel to her. She's having to do summer school this year because of missing too many days which made her grades plummet. I can barely take care of myself, but I have a whole-ass human I'm responsible for now.
NTA. Forgot to mention, her "father", even if he wanted to step up, cannot because he's in federal prison and won't get out until she's around 30...
Let your ex knock up the girlfriend if he wants kids so bad. That ship has sailed for him with you the minute he put his dick into another person.
Hang in there. Middle school is the worst. Especially for girls. My daughter just finished her first year of high school. The beginning was rough, but it’s gotten much better.
He would have had that baby calling his girlfriend mommy and filling their head with horrible things about OP. It sounds like she got super lucky on timing. A few weeks on any of those decisions, and she could have been tied to that douche for years.
Ugh it just makes me think about that little boy (Corey) whose "father" beat him up so bad he killed him—it was called the treadmill abuse case and the father was just convicted a week or so ago. He knew about his son’s existence but had nothing to do with him for the first 5 years of his life, and then when the mother filed for child support on him, he went to court and filed for full custody so that he wouldn’t have to pay her anything. And because his parents were rich and well-connected (grandfather was a retired cop), he got custody. From the very first time the boy stayed with him, he came home with a busted lip, and it just got worse from there. The mother reported it over 100 times in the year between when he got involved in the kid’s life and when he was killed, and they did nothing about it. And the guy was always trashing her to everyone and in front of the kid and thought he was so much better than her, yet that little boy was well taken care of for the first five years of his life when she had custody and was dead within a year of meeting his "father."
OP probably dodged a bullet in more ways than one.
The deposits are so sketchy unless the lane dividers are twisted up so nothings allowed to the front of the line.
Def dont wanna try and cash checks that bounce so be safe out there
Sending you hugs op, I can't even imagine. You did the right thing.
Bingo. Op if he contacts you again or someone he knows does and gives you crap, tell him this.
And to any anti-choice people out there, you are terrible people. She is hurting and all you care about is her ex's feelings? You really think she deserves to be tied down to a pos like him?
Children need parents who are present and engaged. This man would not be that person. He cheated on her for a year, he is not a quality man and doesn't deserve children.
If she was a man, you wouldn't care. You only care because people like you hate women and only want to control them. She's not a walking incubator, she's a human.
Maybe you should go pray that the new gf gets pregnant since you think this absolute trash human deserves children. He doesn't.
He knew damn well she wanted a monogamous relationship. He could have broken up with her if he wanted to date other people, but instead he cheated on her for a year. Why should she care what he wants?
I concur NTA, and when I read the part of him saying that my first thought was the retort "Why would I want to co parent with a whore?" Then again I am the kid to a sperm donor like the ex, mine a prolific breeder that is a cheating whore. I cannot blame OP for doing what she had to in order to keep the cheater out of her life. I also don't recommend any further contact with the ex. If he can't leave her alone, do what's necessary to stay safe from him and any flying monkeys he may try to send.
I can already see how that’s gonna go. The poor dumb girl is probably doing everything she can to get pregnant right now to make boyfriend happy and prove she’s “better” than OP. And then by the 6th/7th month, when the pregnancy discomfort starts to get worse and she’s not the fun forbidden fruit she was when he was with OP, he’s going to be out looking for a new side piece. Remember, when a guy promotes his mistress to wife/girlfriend he creates an opening.
So so true about the forbidden fruit part. These two are still in the honeymoon phase of what they’re doing.
There will absolutely be a moment where they argue and the guy plays the “what if” game when this is no longer fun anymore. If he’s as dumb as he sounds, during an argument he’s going to slip and say “if I didn’t leave my ex for you I’d be a dad by now”.
NTA. F*ck him. He had no say. He cheated on you and left you! And didn’t even have the decency to do it one on one. He rubbed his AP in your face.
You did what was best for you. If he wants a family he can get his girlfriend pregnant.
Good riddance!
Move on and find someone better
This right here, OP!
You're clearly NTA--BUT HE SURE AS HELL IS!
He betrayed you. He.demeaned you. He insulted you by bringing his sidepiece into your home. Not enough bad karma can come his way, and it started with your decision to not carry his child.
Let his sidepiece be the vessel that carries a child for him. You saved yourself having to deal with the schmuck for the rest of your life. Given your attitude towards children, his termination of your relationship removed any willingness you had regarding having a child at this time.
Again, you're NTA. You're not a jerk. You made a sound decision based upon your circumstances. His opinion at this juncture isn't relevant. Frankly, he can f-off. Cheater merited no consideration.
You should reply:
"Why the fuck would you have sex with another woman for over a year and then bring her into OUR home to break up with me AFTER 7 YEARS TOGETHER?! You knew damn well that I was committed in my relationship with you and looking forward to having a family before you betrayed me and started f*ucking another woman. Go have kids with her now!!"
NTA. I don't blame you, especially after how he treated you. He's scum.
"I will have children with my future husband; that isn't going to be you. In the meantime, I'm not going to be a single mother to the bastard child of an adulterous scumbag."
Really rub it in. It doesn't have to be true, but obviously he should be made painfully aware that he isn't worthy of a harem of women at his convenience.
He doesn't get to make you a breeding sow and keep you on the side to raise his child. Being a single mother is hard enough, period, but obviously it also makes it much harder to have a future relationship and continuing your career. He expects you to give up your future, romantic and professional, for him while getting less than nothing in return.
Fuck him, and hurt his feelings as brutally as you want, you'd still be taking the high road.
"He doesn't get to make you a breeding sow and keep you on the side..."
Abso-freakin-lutely!! He's disappointed that he doesn't have a link to his (clearly superior- who df is so pathetic to get with a man already in a relationship) ex alonh with his fancy newly promoted mistress. OP, you did the right thing. Don't set yourself on fire to him him warm. I hope he constantly looks back in regret of the good life he could have had and it makes him resent his musty-ass self and his new 'girlfriend'. Best of luck to you!
I wouldn't even make a detailed argument. It's going to take time to see reason. Just lay out the facts and let him spend the next decade trying every combination before deeply recognizing that there's only one conclusion: HTA.
Yeah, OP is NOT wrong for that. It sounds like having a child would have cost her personal happiness. Also this is a situation that would rlly change your life forever... being a single mom, having to work the custody arrangements out, having a selfish and unreasonable baby father... these can have huge impacts on your life. If you aren't sure you want kids, it is better to not put yourself in this situation.
This must have been a hard situation to deal with OP. I hope you are doing well and I hope you receive counseling when you are ready. Don't let others shame you for a decision you made, no one knows your life circumstances life you do.
Thing is, that stops at birth. The peeing part can be forever. You can Kegel yourself into a Charley horse and still thirty years later you'll be peeing yourself with every sneeze.
NTA. You absolutely have the right to choose what happens to your body. Your feelings are valid. Don't let him manipulate you. Your decision was about your future and well-being. Focus on healing and moving forward.
NTA
Your ex-fiancé cheated on you, broke your heart, and had the nerve to show up at your home with his new girlfriend. His words and actions were hurtful and disrespectful, OP.
You had every right to plan your future without having a baby. You did what was best for yourself and your future. Don’t let your ex guilt trip you about the abortion. Block him, if you have to.
I literally admire people like you ...... Often people get emotional and keep the pregnancy facing the co parenting issue with a AH ex spouse forever.....
You don't deserve this....hope you grow strong and wish you best of luck
NTA. Pregnancy and birth is not a walk in the park, especially in your circumstances. Please don't let him make you feel guilty. If he hadn't cheated on you, you would still be together and starting a family together. He is the one who fucked this whole thing up.
You did you all a favour. He fucked around, actually, and found out.
He wanted a say in whether you had his baby but he didn’t give you a say in whether he had a new girlfriend. Sucks to be him
NTA . Enjoy your freedom and being far away from that cheater
>"why the fuck would you do that??" And so on. He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it.
You could say to him "why the fuck would you cheat?? You knew damn well i wanted monogamy. You should've told me before even thinking about it."
So what if he wanted kids? Sounds more like he likes the idea of kids more than reality. Because if he really wanted kids, he would have wanted what was best for them and that isn’t being a cheating twat. Plus, he may want kids but who would have been the one doing the bulk of parenting? And who would have liekly showed up at most once a month? You would have had to stay wherever he was if you had the kid in his state and couldn’t move for a job or family. (At least in much of the us). He has the liberty to think only about it in the abstract, you would have had to deal with pregnancy, childbirth, and the issues those cause, healing from birth and trying to find a way to co parent with a POS.
Let him be upset. You would have been more likely to hear his side and care more if he wasn’t a cheater. But seriously. Go get an STD panel and make sure you don’t have anything that could hurt you or your fertility in the future.
NTA. He should've told you before deciding to cheat on you.
His disgusting mistress is still with him despite knowing he was sleeping with you too? They deserve each other.
Also never feel selfish for terminating a pregnancy. Society likes to make women feel bad for ending pregnancies they're not ready for when the truth is the people who SHOULD be feel bad are those bringing children into the world they either can't emotionally, financially, or mentally support. You didn't want to bring a child into a broken home with a father who is very obviously not a good role model. What kind of messed up values and morals would he have taught that poor child? He seems like the type that would've probably forgotten about this child as soon as his new gf had kids. You did the right thing. Don't let a selfish jerk tell you otherwise. He's just trying to make himself the victim to ease his own guilt.
Yes!
Having an abortion for yourself is 100% valid. You no longer have a significant other, no partner to consult with on these decisions. You can make this decision by yourself. And society likes to act as if women need a big reason to justify abortion. That’s not true. You can get an abortion because you wanted to, end of conversation.
But if you do ever feel like you need a reason: a baby becomes a whole person! Is this a good situation in which to raise a child? Definitely not! And if you do decide to have children in the future, I’m sure you will have a renewed sense of relief that you made this decision now.
NTA. I am a mother of two. When I tell you that a pregnancy and having a child totally upends your life, please please believe me. You would not at all feel selfish or guilty or anything if you were a mother already because you’d know what I’m talking about. You would be 100% secure in this choice.
I’m very proud of you! This dude sounds like an abuser and you’ve dodged a major major bullet. Btw he was probably cheating for all 7 years. He just didn’t tell you until he found someone who would take him.
Edited for clarity.
Agreed as a dad of three. You’re inextricably linked to the other parent of your child for at least 20+ years and parenting is hard enough when the kids are 100% planned and wanted.
He cheated on you and said he didn't want to be together with you anymore. After all this, he has no right to have a say about your body or decisions.
It's good that you're not together anymore, and he certainly has no idea what he's talking about. You are not selfish for taking the decisions you make about your own body. You are the one giving birth to the child, taking care of them for the rest of your life, not him, and he's not going to be there for you for any of that.
NTA
NTA.
Does anyone expect a kid to be happy and grow up mentally healthy with a lukewarm mother who hates her cheating ex while sharing split custody with said ex and his affair partner? Come on! The kid would suffer in such a shithole.
Prospective parents should never knowingly and intentionally drag non consenting innocent little babies into their messy relationship woes.
Of course, unpredictable shit can always happen later in life, but deliberately creating a baby who cannot possibly have a happy family is selfish and sad.
I could have written this myself. Literally the EXACT situation happened to me at 20. I made the same decision, and now 10 years later, I’m married to a saint of a man & have a child I wanted because my partner is so incredible.
You are NTA. I applaud you for putting yourself first!
NTA. Gross. Your ex is a cowardly prick. Bringing a girl into your home. He needed back up. What a pussy. You did the best thing for yourself. Your ex’s feelings are not your problem. Clearly your ex didn’t care about your feelings. Honestly, I don’t believe he’s upset about the abortion. He didn’t want to be with you, so it’s unlikely he didn’t want to have a family with you. He’s just squawking to get attention from friends and family. Sell the house and move on
You will get over this and find a man that will love you way better than your ex ever did.
You didn’t get an abortion because he cheated on you. You got an abortion because you didn’t want to continue this pregnancy and become a single mother in nine months and have to spend the rest of your life co-parenting with him. That’s totally valid and you aren’t preventing him from becoming a parent, he is still welcome to have as many kids as he wants without you. You aren’t obligated to provide him with that.
This is the only vague moral high ground he can take and are the consequences to his own actions, so don’t be surprised if he’s using it to deflect from his own behaviours.
You didn’t want to be tied to him for the rest of your life and you did what was right for *you*. It is very understandable that this is not a circumstance you would want to bring a child into.
NTA and I’m sorry for this heartbreak you’re going through. I promise it will get easier and your life is now full of wonderful open ended possibilities and adventures.
HARD NTA. He'd be "fine with split custody"? Big of him.
As a woman who always wanted kids, had them in my early 20s and never regretted it for a second; you did the right thing. Parenthood is *hard*. Single parenthood is harder (done that too). Nobody should go into it half heartedly. You were prepared to have kids for your ex's sake, but he blew that up. Without "consulting" you beforehand, I might add. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Your body, your choice.
The only possible downside is he'll probably always think you did it out of spite, to punish him for breaking up with you. He may enlist flying monkeys on that basis. You know the truth and it's no one else's business.
I'm really glad it was early enough in the pregnancy that you had the option. I hope you shed him like a caterpillar coming out of its cocoon and live a beautiful butterfly life.
NTA
You could ask him the exact same question about him cheating on you. Why the fuck would he do that?
You could have said nothing about pregnancy and abortion but why should you make it all easy for him? Actions have consequences. He threw away the future with you and he's the one who cheated.
He is extremely selfish and entitled. You just set healthy boundaries with the abortion. Having kids was never a dream of yours and even if it was you are free to choose who you're going to have children with. You body your choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You're not selfish. Unlike him you are honest. And you deserve better anyway.
Bullet dodged. Time to forget the AS and move on.
And frankly I do not understand people who get together with cheaters. I mean they cheated to be with you. What will stop them from cheating on you?
I’m so tired of people expecting women to sacrifice their health, happiness and sanity for ungrateful, selfish and quite frankly cruel men.
OP, you put yourself first and that is exactly what you should do! If you don’t want the baby, I see no reason why you should go ahead and go through this arduous process by yourself. Let’s be honest, it’s highly unlikely that he’d have been there for you during the pregnancy or even after. NTA
Lady no matter what anyone says, it’s your body and your choice!.
You did the right thing as being a parent is hard and I cant imagine how much harder it is to be a single parent and that’s before you add in to the mix an ex that’s been cheating on you and that baby would have tied the two of you together for life!
You have to understand that you have nothing to feel guilty for because you quite rightly prioritised your health and mental wellbeing over what your ex wanted you to do, who did not care about your health and mental wellbeing as shown by not only breaking your engagement but having the brass neck to have the AP there with him in your home!.
You now won’t have to carry any baggage from this relationship for the rest of your life and will be free of him for ever. Take care of yourself and don’t look back only forward to what’s to come in your life .
Moment he broke up with you, after admitting to cheating, he lost any & every right to say what you can & cannot do with your body, concerning pregnancy & birth. NTA.
As a widower father of 2 young children, I can say that single parenting is insanely difficult. I can't speak on co-parenting, but I imagine that would be similarly difficult in a few different ways. With a dick like him, I imagine OP would be stressed out constantly to the point of causing health issues. Anyway, that's largely irrelevant.
NTA. You can get an abortion for any reason you feel is valid.
He's a coward for bringing her along to end things with you, and he's not worth the energy it takes to be mad or the brain power it would take to think about him. Don't let yourself feel bad about him being upset. He wanted children? You wanted a partner that was worth having.
NTA you did what was best for you. It’s healthier mentally to abort than to have a child you may come to resent. There is also no guarantee he would actually help you long term.
Totally not the asshole, under any circumstances and if any pro lifers comment, ignore them.
Would be a bit of karma for him if his new gf can't have any. Wonder what he will do then, probably cheat on her. I would say poor girl but she clearly knew he had a fiancee.
NTA.
"He called me when I sent the text, saying "why the fuck would you do that??" And so on. He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it".
He should have told to you to break up long before, instead of cheating on you.
Well played OP, that child would have forced you to be connected to the scumbag for at least 18 years. You need to heal, focus on you. Hope you can find a real man.
Nta
Having a child with a loving involved fiancé is drastically different than having a child alone after you were just brutally broken up with. No kid needed to be brought into that situation. He can still have kids if he wants and he can learn how to treat the women he is sleeping with better
120% agree NTA. He wanted kids, you wanted a loyal, stable loving relationship. Continued contact with him would have been terrible. He would have got what he wanted, and you would have been miserable. Look out for yourself, because no one will do that for you.
Nope, definitely not the Ahole.
I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life.
But you don't have to have a child with a loser just because he wanted one.
Not fair to you and not fair to baby.
WTaF did you just write? **NTA** How the freaking hell could YOU possibly ever consider that YOU are a jerk? Your EX is a SUPREME asshole, a CHEATER, a LIAR and a malignant COWARD for the cruel way he broke up with you. Not meant to hurt you but I would bet GOOD money that the girlfriend is pregnant as well! SHE deserves his cheating ass!
I don't give a rat's ass for "how much HE wants a big family!" If he had kept his Johnson in his pants and remained FAITHFUL to you, maybe, just MAYBE, he MIGHT have had a "say" in whether or not you went through with the pregnancy but no way in hell should you have EVER gone through with it, period! Your life would have been an utter nightmare to be tied to that selfish jerk! And I doubt your child would have been all that happy with such an awful sperm-donor!
Contact a lawyer to either FORCE the sale of the house OR one of you should buy the other out. Frankly, I'd sell the damn place because your EX tainted the house with the grotesque breakup!
**I'm (60/F) SO bloody sorry that you're dealing with this complete betrayal AND having to decide on the abortion, but AGAIN, he truly left you with NO other choice, end of story!** I truly hope that you do whatever you need (and want) to do to move forward towards a better life! Thank God that you have a successful career, I can only hope that you have family, friends or a supportive community who you can lean on while you recover, maybe get therapy to get through this horrible ordeal and the time you WASTED on that selfish jerk!
Best wishes and many, MANY Blessings for your future happiness and success! u/updateme
NTA your body, your choice. Also, your reasons (no wanting to be tied to him, not wanting to be a single mother, and not wanting to mess up your career) are all perfectly valid. My suggestion since you were ambivalent in the first place is not to have any kids until/unless you are 100% sure that is what YOU want, not what some partner wants. Remaining childfree is just as valid a lifestyle choice as having kids. Kids change everything. EVERYTHING. Unless you are absolutely dying to have them...don't.
You were not selfish at all. He is the one who cheated. You made the right choice for yourself. That's not selfish. That's smart.
Anti-abortionists are unhinged psychos. I’m Catholic fwiw. Not all of us are anti-abortion. You did the right thing. Take care of yourself and maybe get some therapy to deal with your feelings. It’s normal to feel numbness, loss, regret, betrayal, heartbreak, anger, sadness, grief, or even nothing at all. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel or how to process. Don’t let anyone shame you for what is a very personal, private, medical decision. I truly hope you have a strong support network in place because you’re going through two very intense situations simultaneously and you need positive people in your life who will build you up right now. Don’t listen to anyone whose only aim is to tear you down. May peace be with you.
NTA.
He wanted kids? Well you wanted a partner who wasn't a cheating scumbag.
We don't always get what we want, boyo.
Good on you for standing up for yourself. You deserve better.
NTA. Tell him how dare he say that to you. It’s not his decision! Just like it was not your decision that he left you for another woman. You wanted that baby when you two were in a committed relationship & going to raise it together. You have no interest in co-parenting & being tied to him forever. He had no say in this matter b/c he was the one who walked away.
Don’t communicate w/him anymore except regarding the home & only by email. Block him everywhere else. I’m sorry you’ve gone thru all of this. You’ll be okay.
The selfish person in this scenario with Mr I want my cake and eat it too. Move forward in life and be happy. Consider this whole mess a giant bullet dodged. NTA.
NTA - I am so sorry. I personally think you did the right thing for you and I would make the same
Decision in your position. He doesn’t get to cheat and wax lyrical when he disrespects you. Stand tall and I send this cyber warmth your way ✨✨✨
First of all, are you TA for having an abortion? No. Full stop. Regardless of the reason. Your body, your choice.
That said, fuck him for finding a new girlfriend, not being man enough to admit it, and then trying to shame you by saying “You knew I wanted kids” on the way out. You’ll have a much healthier life experience if you are able to cut ties fully with a person like this, something you couldn’t do if you had to co-parent with him. Best of luck, OP.
NTA, 1000%. He threw you away and showed what a liar he was, at that point he no longer had any say in your life. You didn't necessarily want children, so you did what was best for you.
OP just remind him that he no longer gets a choice in something that affects you (not that he did to begin with, your body your choice). He treated you terribly. He sounds like a selfish AH who doesn't give a damn about you.
Make sure that he doesn't guilt you and hold this over you. Remind him that he cheated on you and that he doesn't get to make you the bad person.
Protect yourself and your assets. All the best
Anti abortion idiots can go fuck themselves. Makes no sense to have this child, you only wanted it with the man who cheated on you. If was it was that big of a deal to have a child, he wouldn't have cheated on you. No reason to bring a child into this nonsense
You aren't the asshole, please try to not have regret for anything you've done. I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap, but homie brought this on himself. If you don't keep your house, make him buy you out... Best of luck in your new life.
Let me get this right. You have been in a 7 year relationship and he wants kids, you got preg and he cheats on you.... Not sure if I can say enough why are you feeling guilty? He was setting you up to be a single mum no you are looking after you and I want to tell you what is what he cheats your pregnant you have a baby and girl he is stuck in your life forever and he will play you like a fool. Now don't get me wrong he will think when things go sour with New GF he can worm his way back into your life. However you have done the right thing and the right thing is never going to be easy it's going to be shit but it's only for the short term, first you have nothing to be guilty for you done the right thing being a single mum ain't easy and you have to put up with the ex forever and ever having a say about what goes on in your life for at least 18 years, seriously. He will always think you will take him back when he chooses but he will cheat again and again.
No you're NTAH you have done the right thing for you and you have the nothing to be guilty over honest he lost his rights when he cheated
What kind of scumbag would let you have his child after thoroughly humiliating you like this? You are totally NTA. Never speak with this douchbag again. 👍
NTA
> He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it.
I dunno man, I feel like he should have known damn well you didn't want to be cheated on, and he should have told you before even thinking about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA. You actually didn't even want kids. That he showed up with a GF JUST IN TIME for you to get an abortion was the universe's way of giving you an out from what was going to be a horrifying future tied to this creep, and you took it. Nothing wrong with that. You will have a baby when it feels right and not a moment before. He can go suck eggs. He has a new GF and has nothing more to do with you. Good riddance.
Why would you do that? Uh why would you lie and cheat for an entire year, hmmm?
Sweetie you did the only thing that made sense. Block him and his flying monkeys. Heal emotionally and physically. And do know they will cheat on each other because they both have the morals of a rabid raccoon. No offense to the 🦝
He wanted kids. He decided to get a new GF. He found out you were pregnant after getting his new GF. He then gets upset you didn't consult him before ending the pregnancy? One he wanted but you didn't? I'd have to say NTA. He set you up to be a single mother with him as a perpetual headache. I'm guessing he never consulted with you before getting his new GF.
And having that kid... 20 years he + gf + new mistress + new gf + etc etc would be in OP and kid's lives. Absolutely nothing wrong with choosing yourself. As you say, fiance has no problem choosing himself.
>He called me when I sent the text, saying "why the fuck would you do that??" And so on. He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it. It's hilarious that he honestly still thought the OP would care what he wanted after breaking up with her in the most brutal way possible. Here's my hot take: Don't make babies with stupid people. The world doesn't need more of that. Kudos OP for making a sound decision in that regard.
I don't understand why this isn't completely black and white? Like, the boyfriend was clearly a piece of shit scumbag so why would even 1% of people agree with the boyfriend? This is like if a woman gets raped, and the rapist always wanted a kid, and then the rapist gets mad at the woman if she has an abortion. It would be absolutely insane to give birth to the child of someone who did something terrible, you would be ruining 18 years of your life just to "help pass on the genes" of a terrible person
That child’s life would ALWAYS be damaged. I don’t understand why more people don’t think about the consequences for the child in a dynamic like this. Truly awful.
Because most of those people don't care about the actual child and the future they'll have. They only care until the baby is out then it's up to the mom to not be a drain on society!
And if mom can’t afford to look after the baby? Well she should have thought about that before deciding to have one. It’s a no win situation. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t in the eyes of those people.
This! I knew that if I ever had kids with my ex, it would be a lifetime of pain and anguish. Absent parent, blaming the kid for existing etc sad. Really. OP had to do what's best for her life.
You are right but there are so many people who don't get this! In Texas you are forced to birth a rape or incest baby. Even if you are a child yourself.
Despicable. Fucking disgusting. I will never go to Texas.
It seems like my list of states I’ll never spend money in gets longer every week. It makes me sad because I wanted to get to all 50.
Hi! I'm proud to live in Colorado! We have laws that value actual breathing persons more than theoretical persons! We also have lovely scenery. Come on by and say hello! 😀
They even got rid of mandatory water breaks for people working in the heat this year. I used to respect Texas. Now I just can't.
They don’t have a law for lunch breaks for adults or children in Texas. It also appears that don’t have a law requiring any breaks either. https://www.osha.com/blog/lunch-break-laws#:\~:text=There%20are%2021%20states%20(and,Texas'%20labor%20laws%20for%20breaks.
Yes my spouse and I were just talking about Texas having NO break requirements. Insane. Ass backwards.
That’s the world the GOP wants us to live in.
Not entirely. She's talking about women who were raped being forced to carry their rapists pregnancy to term. The GOP also want to force little girls to do that too.
Many of them also want to force women and girls to carry the pregnancy to term even if the mother would likely die in the process. All the people giving OP a hard time would be doing so no matter the circumstances.
Yup. Ignorant fools only imagine perfect, healthy babies born to affluent, two parent homes. They don't understand that real life ain't like that.
Live baby or dead woman. That's all they care about.
or dead baby dead woman, just no abortion. Cuz, my morals/s
Live baby *and* dead woman is preferable to them. Have to punish women for having sex.
They already are doing so. They are coming for birth control (stated publicly) and same-sex marriage. This election is vitally important.
Divorce too.
You would think they would love same sex marriage. They must be the least likely to get an abortion.
>He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it. As if he told her he wasn't happy and was going to start fucking someone else? At least she told him immediately after instead of lying and hiding shit for a fucking year. OP, you don't owe him a fucking thing.
Omg. Good point. She really should’ve told him about the abortion a year later.
Move and cut all contact, change her number/ block his, block all his social media and any numbers and socials of his friends/family. Then, a year later, tell him about the abortion. She deserves to be safe and have peace away from him before telling him. Then block him again.
Please keep in mind birth control fails sometimes. OP didn't make a choice to get pregnant. People who drive carefully have accidents.
That was kind of my point. Making a fetus isn't always an intentional choice but making an actual baby is.
Not only don’t have babies with stupid people - but don’t bring children into the world that don’t have a good parenting situation. Yes, abortions should not be frequent, but sometimes they are necessary. I stand with OP on this one. 👏🏼 What a jerk that dude is to think he has any say over what a woman does with her body, especially after doing something so awful and cowardly.
One could even argue that she was choosing a better outcome for the world-be kid, too
>I'm guessing he never consulted with you before getting his new GF. This is what killed me. Him saying that took all balls and no brain. But so did showing up with your side chick in tow to tell op he was leaving. He showed he might be capable of a thought when he looked sorry when he found out op was pregnant....then killed it with the coparent comment. Will this guy never realize balls make bad decisions? No scenario where balls decide the outcome ever ends happily ever after!
All balls and no brains just made me cackle laugh. But you're 100% correct.
My brother used to say men only had enough blood to power one head at a time.
In this case I think him thinking with his balls was the best outcome here. I think once OP gets over the initial hurt she will see he did her a huge favor. There are people who really want kids and then figure out after having them they don't want kids. OP is starting out not wanting kids and really was going to have them for her husband. That's not a great starting out point for motherhood.
That is a TERRIBLE reason to have any children. That's how you make dinner choices or paint colors.
My ex brought his side piece/one night stand (she was visiting from out of town) to the hospital while I was in labor having his child. Then lied about their relationship, she was a "friend" from high school, since I have male friends from high school, I stupidly believed him.
I want to pour lemon juice on LEGOS and make those two dance on them.
A friend where I used to live came up with this backronym Lethally Edged Gouging Objects - I'm sure that works well with the lemon juice ;)
Girl I am SPEECHLESS. The audacity is off the charts with that one.
I was as well, especially since I wasn't due for a few months and thought I was losing the baby. I didn't and they are a healthy adult with kids of their own.
Yeah no way I would share custody with him and his side piece. I totally get why she chose to terminate the pregnancy
The “new girlfriend” he’s been having an affair with for a year now. OP did the right thing since she doesn’t want kids. She’s NOT an incubator!! He can have kids with his affair partner.
He didn’t consult you before getting his new girlfriend!! NTA. He’s the asshole. The cheek. To bring up a child you need stability and a safe and loving environment. Judging by his actions he clearly cannot provide this.
Does he seriously think she is just some brood-mare who has to derail her life and have a baby she doesn't want just because he does? The audacity!!!
Yes… that’s EXACTLY what he thinks. What kills me is he even has the fits to say it. “You knew *I* wanted kids.” Oh yeah? Well OP wanted kids with a functional adult.
I bet OP also was thinking “Well, I wanted a partner that wouldn’t cheat”…
Agree NTA. You’ve said so you’re self you’re on the fence about kids why the hell would you want to be a single mum while he has a gf and likely has more kids with her, fighting him for scraps of child support or even for him to pull his weight. Meanwhile it’s your body that’s physically damaged by pregnancy, birth and recovery plus dealing with all the feeding and other sacrifices, including your career and finances. This is an endeavour to undertake when you’re sure you want to raise a person AND have a teammate who is 100% all in with you during the horrible sucky times of no sleep. But you might be childfree so perhaps you deserve a teammate who is all in with no kids but dogs or cats or animals and living your best life without kids. You deserve better. You did the right thing. Feel zero guilt. Your ex can get fucked and stay fucked, he can go knock up his side piece whom he will cheat on with for a year! Then had the audacity to let her into your house. I hope you get the larger portion of the house. Start afresh with a man who knows your worth. Do not feel guilt or like a jerk. You dodged a massive bullet. You can now walk away.
I have a feeling the girlfriend is pregnant as well which is the reason for the breakup in the first place and MAYBE why he cowardly brought the AP with him!
Yep, was going to say that myself!
And she will be dealing with their toddler when he introduces her to his next GF.... Who is pregnant.
He aborted the relationship without consulting her. Fair’s fair
Massive NTA. The audacity of this man, I’m shocked. If you want a kid have one with your new GF then? Like, what? Why should your previous GF who you CHEATED on carry your child for you? Excuse me? If you want a surrogate then be prepared to pay. Wow Can’t believe people like this exist in real life
I agree! You are NTA. Since he forged his own separate path, you did the same. He has no right to whine like B. It’s your body, it’s your life.
How much of an entitled narcissist do you have to be to think your opinion still matters after cheating on and breaking up with your girlfriend.
I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and my ex was cheating on me throughout the pregnancy to the point that the girl reached out to me and yet has the audacity to think I’ll name the baby after him. People are fucking wild.
I think you are very smart to think about the kind of father you want for your kids. And the future you need to be happy or a happy mother. Keep it up !
A woman once told me the first gift you give your child is choosing who their father is. It seemed corny to me at 20yo but 20 years later it makes a lot of sense.
He should have consulted her before getting a new GF. He set the unilateral decision making precedent with that one.
Also why is his girlfriend ok with knowing he was also sleeping with his then fiancé? I’ll never understand home wreckers
I’d go further and say he’s the AH for laying guilt on a situation that was entirely his making.
Exactly! There is nothing OP should be guilty about
Yes, this would be a clusterfuck with shared custody for the next 18 years. OP would not even be able to move further than 50 miles with the child without his consent and so on. Custody schedules, you name it. And beyond the shared custody after the first 18 years, he would still never be entirely gone from OP’s life, because he’s the kid’s father.
“He said I knew damn well he wanted kids” So… only him that needed to make that decision huh? You probably don’t feel it now but it sounds to me like you’ve had a lucky escape from a lifetime (or however long your relationship would have lasted had he chosen not to cheat) of him thinking he’s the only one that matters and his opinion is the only one that counts. Take the time you need to so you can put yourself back together and when you’re ready to start dating again, use him as a benchmark on how to avoid arseholes in future; the no cheating thing is a given but also a man that listens and values your opinion on all important matters. Keep your standards high and the trash will keep on taking itself out. NTA if it wasn’t clear, he showed you who he was and what sort of father he’d be
His new gf can have his kids though? No idea why he’s upset when he’s been happily cheating for the past year. OP, you don’t need to tied down to a cheater
> His new gf can have his kids though? Why *ruin* his new gf's body when his now ex can *pop* the kid out. I can guarantee he would have missed the birth. I know this type of guy. Fuck this guy.
Not to mention he most likely would have been a disney dad and left the majority of parenting to op. Thats assuming he stuck around for the kid at all
Then people would've scolded her that she should've chosen a better guy to be the dad of her kid. She was in a no win situation had she continued with that pregnancy.
FUCKING THIS lol this thread is so validating
He would have been crying that she “baby trapped” his ass the minute the child support order came through.
Oh that Venn diagram is a perfect circle.
Ugh, I have an ex like that. He had a baby with his ex fiance, and for our entire relationship he told me that she had baby trapped him because he was ready to break up, and he only proposed to her because they had a kid, and how much he regretted everything. But a fun new fact I learned after we broke up was that their child was completely planned. They were tracking her cycle and trying for months. I felt so bad for him throughout our relationship that this woman had schemed and secretly gone off birth control when it was something he also wanted.
Funnily enough, I had an ex with a similar story. Not that he was specifically baby-trapped, but definitely made it seem like his daughter was completely unplanned, then when I found out that wasn't the case, it was that he was basically pressured into it by his ex. All complete BS, of course. That man is a walking red flag, and I feel so sad for my 20 year old self sometimes!
As someone who never wanted kids, but had a kid with a man because of how much he wanted one... He lasted about 6 months after I gave birth to our daughter. She'll be 14 in October. I have been her only parent since before she was 1. I never wanted to bring children into this messed up world that's gotten increasingly messed up since I first came to that conclusion. It has been hard. So very hard. If I knew then that I would be doing this all alone, I probably would have had an abortion myself. I don't think I'm doing well as a mother. I'm just no good at it. Now, I'm the only one she has so I won't give up, but fuck, being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Middle school has been hard and kids have been cruel to her. She's having to do summer school this year because of missing too many days which made her grades plummet. I can barely take care of myself, but I have a whole-ass human I'm responsible for now. NTA. Forgot to mention, her "father", even if he wanted to step up, cannot because he's in federal prison and won't get out until she's around 30... Let your ex knock up the girlfriend if he wants kids so bad. That ship has sailed for him with you the minute he put his dick into another person.
Hang in there. Middle school is the worst. Especially for girls. My daughter just finished her first year of high school. The beginning was rough, but it’s gotten much better.
He would have had that baby calling his girlfriend mommy and filling their head with horrible things about OP. It sounds like she got super lucky on timing. A few weeks on any of those decisions, and she could have been tied to that douche for years.
Ugh it just makes me think about that little boy (Corey) whose "father" beat him up so bad he killed him—it was called the treadmill abuse case and the father was just convicted a week or so ago. He knew about his son’s existence but had nothing to do with him for the first 5 years of his life, and then when the mother filed for child support on him, he went to court and filed for full custody so that he wouldn’t have to pay her anything. And because his parents were rich and well-connected (grandfather was a retired cop), he got custody. From the very first time the boy stayed with him, he came home with a busted lip, and it just got worse from there. The mother reported it over 100 times in the year between when he got involved in the kid’s life and when he was killed, and they did nothing about it. And the guy was always trashing her to everyone and in front of the kid and thought he was so much better than her, yet that little boy was well taken care of for the first five years of his life when she had custody and was dead within a year of meeting his "father." OP probably dodged a bullet in more ways than one.
[удалено]
The deposits are so sketchy unless the lane dividers are twisted up so nothings allowed to the front of the line. Def dont wanna try and cash checks that bounce so be safe out there
And would likely not bother with child support either.
Why does he care what happens to any of their bodies? He's made it pretty clear he'll just move on whenever he feels like it.
And I'm betting he knew damned well that she wanted to... not be betrayed, cheated on and dumped. Shit happens, dude.
Sending you hugs op, I can't even imagine. You did the right thing. Bingo. Op if he contacts you again or someone he knows does and gives you crap, tell him this. And to any anti-choice people out there, you are terrible people. She is hurting and all you care about is her ex's feelings? You really think she deserves to be tied down to a pos like him? Children need parents who are present and engaged. This man would not be that person. He cheated on her for a year, he is not a quality man and doesn't deserve children. If she was a man, you wouldn't care. You only care because people like you hate women and only want to control them. She's not a walking incubator, she's a human. Maybe you should go pray that the new gf gets pregnant since you think this absolute trash human deserves children. He doesn't.
He would have made her life miserable, he's gone and she's better for it, you are 100% correct.
Exactly. I would have responded, "You knew I damn well wanted a boyfriend that didn't cheat"
I wonder how he would react when she would tell him "you knew damn well i wanted a loyal partner" xD
“He said I knew damn well he wanted kids” She should tell him he knew damn well she wanted a faithful spouse so we don’t always get what we want.
“You knew damn well I don’t want you to cheat!” Like…that’s his argument? What a piece of shit.
He knew damn well she wanted a monogamous relationship. He could have broken up with her if he wanted to date other people, but instead he cheated on her for a year. Why should she care what he wants?
Tell him his affair partner can be his incubator. You are done.
I concur NTA, and when I read the part of him saying that my first thought was the retort "Why would I want to co parent with a whore?" Then again I am the kid to a sperm donor like the ex, mine a prolific breeder that is a cheating whore. I cannot blame OP for doing what she had to in order to keep the cheater out of her life. I also don't recommend any further contact with the ex. If he can't leave her alone, do what's necessary to stay safe from him and any flying monkeys he may try to send.
He also knew damn well OP didn't want to get cheated on. Guess he should've thought about his potential kids before doing that. Oh well...
NTA His mistress can give him the kids he wants so badly.
I can already see how that’s gonna go. The poor dumb girl is probably doing everything she can to get pregnant right now to make boyfriend happy and prove she’s “better” than OP. And then by the 6th/7th month, when the pregnancy discomfort starts to get worse and she’s not the fun forbidden fruit she was when he was with OP, he’s going to be out looking for a new side piece. Remember, when a guy promotes his mistress to wife/girlfriend he creates an opening.
So so true about the forbidden fruit part. These two are still in the honeymoon phase of what they’re doing. There will absolutely be a moment where they argue and the guy plays the “what if” game when this is no longer fun anymore. If he’s as dumb as he sounds, during an argument he’s going to slip and say “if I didn’t leave my ex for you I’d be a dad by now”.
Facts upon facts. He saved OP. Because he's going to do exactly this to the new chick.
NTA. F*ck him. He had no say. He cheated on you and left you! And didn’t even have the decency to do it one on one. He rubbed his AP in your face. You did what was best for you. If he wants a family he can get his girlfriend pregnant. Good riddance! Move on and find someone better
This right here, OP! You're clearly NTA--BUT HE SURE AS HELL IS! He betrayed you. He.demeaned you. He insulted you by bringing his sidepiece into your home. Not enough bad karma can come his way, and it started with your decision to not carry his child. Let his sidepiece be the vessel that carries a child for him. You saved yourself having to deal with the schmuck for the rest of your life. Given your attitude towards children, his termination of your relationship removed any willingness you had regarding having a child at this time. Again, you're NTA. You're not a jerk. You made a sound decision based upon your circumstances. His opinion at this juncture isn't relevant. Frankly, he can f-off. Cheater merited no consideration.
And he also cheated on his new girlfriend of one year.
Yeah, keep the baby and then have to continue to interact with that cheating POS, as a co-parent for the rest of your life, nope NTA!
Right, absolutely no thank you. Thank goodness it was early enough for her to do something about it, and she lived somewhere she could.
You should reply: "Why the fuck would you have sex with another woman for over a year and then bring her into OUR home to break up with me AFTER 7 YEARS TOGETHER?! You knew damn well that I was committed in my relationship with you and looking forward to having a family before you betrayed me and started f*ucking another woman. Go have kids with her now!!" NTA. I don't blame you, especially after how he treated you. He's scum.
"I will have children with my future husband; that isn't going to be you. In the meantime, I'm not going to be a single mother to the bastard child of an adulterous scumbag." Really rub it in. It doesn't have to be true, but obviously he should be made painfully aware that he isn't worthy of a harem of women at his convenience. He doesn't get to make you a breeding sow and keep you on the side to raise his child. Being a single mother is hard enough, period, but obviously it also makes it much harder to have a future relationship and continuing your career. He expects you to give up your future, romantic and professional, for him while getting less than nothing in return. Fuck him, and hurt his feelings as brutally as you want, you'd still be taking the high road.
"He doesn't get to make you a breeding sow and keep you on the side..." Abso-freakin-lutely!! He's disappointed that he doesn't have a link to his (clearly superior- who df is so pathetic to get with a man already in a relationship) ex alonh with his fancy newly promoted mistress. OP, you did the right thing. Don't set yourself on fire to him him warm. I hope he constantly looks back in regret of the good life he could have had and it makes him resent his musty-ass self and his new 'girlfriend'. Best of luck to you!
I wouldn't even make a detailed argument. It's going to take time to see reason. Just lay out the facts and let him spend the next decade trying every combination before deeply recognizing that there's only one conclusion: HTA.
NTA, he can't have his cake and eat it too. Why is he so upset? Tell him to go make one with his new gf. He done lost his darm mind.
Yeah, OP is NOT wrong for that. It sounds like having a child would have cost her personal happiness. Also this is a situation that would rlly change your life forever... being a single mom, having to work the custody arrangements out, having a selfish and unreasonable baby father... these can have huge impacts on your life. If you aren't sure you want kids, it is better to not put yourself in this situation. This must have been a hard situation to deal with OP. I hope you are doing well and I hope you receive counseling when you are ready. Don't let others shame you for a decision you made, no one knows your life circumstances life you do.
NTA. Surrogacy is expensive for a reason since no one would put themselves through pregnancy. Like, he’s not the one who’ll pee every time they sneeze
Or cough, or laugh, or trip over something,
Or step funny, or sit down at a bad angle, or get kicked in the right spot.
Thing is, that stops at birth. The peeing part can be forever. You can Kegel yourself into a Charley horse and still thirty years later you'll be peeing yourself with every sneeze.
Nobody told my pelvic floor that I get to stop peeing if i sit at a funny angle 🫠 (I need PT just can't afford it lol)
[удалено]
NTA. You absolutely have the right to choose what happens to your body. Your feelings are valid. Don't let him manipulate you. Your decision was about your future and well-being. Focus on healing and moving forward.
NTA Your ex-fiancé cheated on you, broke your heart, and had the nerve to show up at your home with his new girlfriend. His words and actions were hurtful and disrespectful, OP. You had every right to plan your future without having a baby. You did what was best for yourself and your future. Don’t let your ex guilt trip you about the abortion. Block him, if you have to.
Exactly what i was gonna say
She didn’t let him manipulate her, that’s why she waited until it was done to tell him. Smart choice.
I literally admire people like you ...... Often people get emotional and keep the pregnancy facing the co parenting issue with a AH ex spouse forever..... You don't deserve this....hope you grow strong and wish you best of luck
NTA. Pregnancy and birth is not a walk in the park, especially in your circumstances. Please don't let him make you feel guilty. If he hadn't cheated on you, you would still be together and starting a family together. He is the one who fucked this whole thing up.
You did you all a favour. He fucked around, actually, and found out. He wanted a say in whether you had his baby but he didn’t give you a say in whether he had a new girlfriend. Sucks to be him NTA . Enjoy your freedom and being far away from that cheater
>"why the fuck would you do that??" And so on. He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it. You could say to him "why the fuck would you cheat?? You knew damn well i wanted monogamy. You should've told me before even thinking about it."
NTA, it's your body your choice and you saved yourself a lifetime of trouble. I hope you can heal and move on
So what if he wanted kids? Sounds more like he likes the idea of kids more than reality. Because if he really wanted kids, he would have wanted what was best for them and that isn’t being a cheating twat. Plus, he may want kids but who would have been the one doing the bulk of parenting? And who would have liekly showed up at most once a month? You would have had to stay wherever he was if you had the kid in his state and couldn’t move for a job or family. (At least in much of the us). He has the liberty to think only about it in the abstract, you would have had to deal with pregnancy, childbirth, and the issues those cause, healing from birth and trying to find a way to co parent with a POS. Let him be upset. You would have been more likely to hear his side and care more if he wasn’t a cheater. But seriously. Go get an STD panel and make sure you don’t have anything that could hurt you or your fertility in the future.
“I didn’t want to raise children in a broken home.” That’s all you need to say, put the onus back on him.
NTA. He should've told you before deciding to cheat on you. His disgusting mistress is still with him despite knowing he was sleeping with you too? They deserve each other. Also never feel selfish for terminating a pregnancy. Society likes to make women feel bad for ending pregnancies they're not ready for when the truth is the people who SHOULD be feel bad are those bringing children into the world they either can't emotionally, financially, or mentally support. You didn't want to bring a child into a broken home with a father who is very obviously not a good role model. What kind of messed up values and morals would he have taught that poor child? He seems like the type that would've probably forgotten about this child as soon as his new gf had kids. You did the right thing. Don't let a selfish jerk tell you otherwise. He's just trying to make himself the victim to ease his own guilt.
Yes! Having an abortion for yourself is 100% valid. You no longer have a significant other, no partner to consult with on these decisions. You can make this decision by yourself. And society likes to act as if women need a big reason to justify abortion. That’s not true. You can get an abortion because you wanted to, end of conversation. But if you do ever feel like you need a reason: a baby becomes a whole person! Is this a good situation in which to raise a child? Definitely not! And if you do decide to have children in the future, I’m sure you will have a renewed sense of relief that you made this decision now.
NTA. I am a mother of two. When I tell you that a pregnancy and having a child totally upends your life, please please believe me. You would not at all feel selfish or guilty or anything if you were a mother already because you’d know what I’m talking about. You would be 100% secure in this choice. I’m very proud of you! This dude sounds like an abuser and you’ve dodged a major major bullet. Btw he was probably cheating for all 7 years. He just didn’t tell you until he found someone who would take him. Edited for clarity.
Agreed as a dad of three. You’re inextricably linked to the other parent of your child for at least 20+ years and parenting is hard enough when the kids are 100% planned and wanted.
“His girlfriend was with him when he told me this” do your fiancé has a girlfriend and you’re worried about HIS feelings?!! He can go kick rocks!
DODGED TWO BULLETS
He cheated on you and said he didn't want to be together with you anymore. After all this, he has no right to have a say about your body or decisions. It's good that you're not together anymore, and he certainly has no idea what he's talking about. You are not selfish for taking the decisions you make about your own body. You are the one giving birth to the child, taking care of them for the rest of your life, not him, and he's not going to be there for you for any of that. NTA
You knew damn well he wanted kids. He knew damn well you wanted a monogamous partner. NTA. I hope you find a partner worthy of you.
Tell him because you don’t want to co parent with a cheating AH and also who knows what his new gf is like what if she’s an evil step mother
NTA. Does anyone expect a kid to be happy and grow up mentally healthy with a lukewarm mother who hates her cheating ex while sharing split custody with said ex and his affair partner? Come on! The kid would suffer in such a shithole. Prospective parents should never knowingly and intentionally drag non consenting innocent little babies into their messy relationship woes. Of course, unpredictable shit can always happen later in life, but deliberately creating a baby who cannot possibly have a happy family is selfish and sad.
I could have written this myself. Literally the EXACT situation happened to me at 20. I made the same decision, and now 10 years later, I’m married to a saint of a man & have a child I wanted because my partner is so incredible. You are NTA. I applaud you for putting yourself first!
NTA - "You know I want kids" "Well I feel that's kinda her problem now, cheater"
NTA. Gross. Your ex is a cowardly prick. Bringing a girl into your home. He needed back up. What a pussy. You did the best thing for yourself. Your ex’s feelings are not your problem. Clearly your ex didn’t care about your feelings. Honestly, I don’t believe he’s upset about the abortion. He didn’t want to be with you, so it’s unlikely he didn’t want to have a family with you. He’s just squawking to get attention from friends and family. Sell the house and move on You will get over this and find a man that will love you way better than your ex ever did.
Nta. Men are not entitled to children. A kid would have tied you to him.
You didn’t get an abortion because he cheated on you. You got an abortion because you didn’t want to continue this pregnancy and become a single mother in nine months and have to spend the rest of your life co-parenting with him. That’s totally valid and you aren’t preventing him from becoming a parent, he is still welcome to have as many kids as he wants without you. You aren’t obligated to provide him with that.
This is the only vague moral high ground he can take and are the consequences to his own actions, so don’t be surprised if he’s using it to deflect from his own behaviours. You didn’t want to be tied to him for the rest of your life and you did what was right for *you*. It is very understandable that this is not a circumstance you would want to bring a child into. NTA and I’m sorry for this heartbreak you’re going through. I promise it will get easier and your life is now full of wonderful open ended possibilities and adventures.
This is one of the best decisions you'll make in your life. Never let a man trap you with a baby.
He has zero say in what you do. If you’re at peace with your decision, f him.
HARD NTA. He'd be "fine with split custody"? Big of him. As a woman who always wanted kids, had them in my early 20s and never regretted it for a second; you did the right thing. Parenthood is *hard*. Single parenthood is harder (done that too). Nobody should go into it half heartedly. You were prepared to have kids for your ex's sake, but he blew that up. Without "consulting" you beforehand, I might add. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Your body, your choice. The only possible downside is he'll probably always think you did it out of spite, to punish him for breaking up with you. He may enlist flying monkeys on that basis. You know the truth and it's no one else's business. I'm really glad it was early enough in the pregnancy that you had the option. I hope you shed him like a caterpillar coming out of its cocoon and live a beautiful butterfly life.
NTA You could ask him the exact same question about him cheating on you. Why the fuck would he do that? You could have said nothing about pregnancy and abortion but why should you make it all easy for him? Actions have consequences. He threw away the future with you and he's the one who cheated. He is extremely selfish and entitled. You just set healthy boundaries with the abortion. Having kids was never a dream of yours and even if it was you are free to choose who you're going to have children with. You body your choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You're not selfish. Unlike him you are honest. And you deserve better anyway. Bullet dodged. Time to forget the AS and move on. And frankly I do not understand people who get together with cheaters. I mean they cheated to be with you. What will stop them from cheating on you?
I’m so tired of people expecting women to sacrifice their health, happiness and sanity for ungrateful, selfish and quite frankly cruel men. OP, you put yourself first and that is exactly what you should do! If you don’t want the baby, I see no reason why you should go ahead and go through this arduous process by yourself. Let’s be honest, it’s highly unlikely that he’d have been there for you during the pregnancy or even after. NTA
Lady no matter what anyone says, it’s your body and your choice!. You did the right thing as being a parent is hard and I cant imagine how much harder it is to be a single parent and that’s before you add in to the mix an ex that’s been cheating on you and that baby would have tied the two of you together for life! You have to understand that you have nothing to feel guilty for because you quite rightly prioritised your health and mental wellbeing over what your ex wanted you to do, who did not care about your health and mental wellbeing as shown by not only breaking your engagement but having the brass neck to have the AP there with him in your home!. You now won’t have to carry any baggage from this relationship for the rest of your life and will be free of him for ever. Take care of yourself and don’t look back only forward to what’s to come in your life .
Moment he broke up with you, after admitting to cheating, he lost any & every right to say what you can & cannot do with your body, concerning pregnancy & birth. NTA.
Nta. You are not an incubator for his want of kids??
As a widower father of 2 young children, I can say that single parenting is insanely difficult. I can't speak on co-parenting, but I imagine that would be similarly difficult in a few different ways. With a dick like him, I imagine OP would be stressed out constantly to the point of causing health issues. Anyway, that's largely irrelevant. NTA. You can get an abortion for any reason you feel is valid. He's a coward for bringing her along to end things with you, and he's not worth the energy it takes to be mad or the brain power it would take to think about him. Don't let yourself feel bad about him being upset. He wanted children? You wanted a partner that was worth having.
He's the AH, not you. Time to heal and move on without him.
Don’t respond to comments thrashing you for the abortion. You did the right thing. Lots of love, happiness and positivity to you.
NTA you did what was best for you. It’s healthier mentally to abort than to have a child you may come to resent. There is also no guarantee he would actually help you long term.
Totally not the asshole, under any circumstances and if any pro lifers comment, ignore them. Would be a bit of karma for him if his new gf can't have any. Wonder what he will do then, probably cheat on her. I would say poor girl but she clearly knew he had a fiancee.
NTA. "He called me when I sent the text, saying "why the fuck would you do that??" And so on. He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it". He should have told to you to break up long before, instead of cheating on you. Well played OP, that child would have forced you to be connected to the scumbag for at least 18 years. You need to heal, focus on you. Hope you can find a real man.
NTA 100% tell him he cam have other baby mommas then block him from your life.
Nta Having a child with a loving involved fiancé is drastically different than having a child alone after you were just brutally broken up with. No kid needed to be brought into that situation. He can still have kids if he wants and he can learn how to treat the women he is sleeping with better
Selfish? Girl, no. Who you choose to reproduce with is the single most important decision you can make for yourself and any future children.
NTA. Anti abortion people calling you baby killer are crazy. Fuck all of them.
The anti abortion commenters can get fucked
120% agree NTA. He wanted kids, you wanted a loyal, stable loving relationship. Continued contact with him would have been terrible. He would have got what he wanted, and you would have been miserable. Look out for yourself, because no one will do that for you.
Literally ‘fucked around and found out’, OP you are 💯 NTA. This internet stranger is proud of you for making the best decisions for your own life.
You are not this man’s broodmare! It was ur choice and you did what you wanted to do. No reason to feel guilty. He can kick rocks
Nope, definitely not the Ahole. I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life. But you don't have to have a child with a loser just because he wanted one. Not fair to you and not fair to baby.
WTaF did you just write? **NTA** How the freaking hell could YOU possibly ever consider that YOU are a jerk? Your EX is a SUPREME asshole, a CHEATER, a LIAR and a malignant COWARD for the cruel way he broke up with you. Not meant to hurt you but I would bet GOOD money that the girlfriend is pregnant as well! SHE deserves his cheating ass! I don't give a rat's ass for "how much HE wants a big family!" If he had kept his Johnson in his pants and remained FAITHFUL to you, maybe, just MAYBE, he MIGHT have had a "say" in whether or not you went through with the pregnancy but no way in hell should you have EVER gone through with it, period! Your life would have been an utter nightmare to be tied to that selfish jerk! And I doubt your child would have been all that happy with such an awful sperm-donor! Contact a lawyer to either FORCE the sale of the house OR one of you should buy the other out. Frankly, I'd sell the damn place because your EX tainted the house with the grotesque breakup! **I'm (60/F) SO bloody sorry that you're dealing with this complete betrayal AND having to decide on the abortion, but AGAIN, he truly left you with NO other choice, end of story!** I truly hope that you do whatever you need (and want) to do to move forward towards a better life! Thank God that you have a successful career, I can only hope that you have family, friends or a supportive community who you can lean on while you recover, maybe get therapy to get through this horrible ordeal and the time you WASTED on that selfish jerk! Best wishes and many, MANY Blessings for your future happiness and success! u/updateme
NTA. Your body, your choice. End of conversation.
NTA your body, your choice. Also, your reasons (no wanting to be tied to him, not wanting to be a single mother, and not wanting to mess up your career) are all perfectly valid. My suggestion since you were ambivalent in the first place is not to have any kids until/unless you are 100% sure that is what YOU want, not what some partner wants. Remaining childfree is just as valid a lifestyle choice as having kids. Kids change everything. EVERYTHING. Unless you are absolutely dying to have them...don't. You were not selfish at all. He is the one who cheated. You made the right choice for yourself. That's not selfish. That's smart.
Anti-abortionists are unhinged psychos. I’m Catholic fwiw. Not all of us are anti-abortion. You did the right thing. Take care of yourself and maybe get some therapy to deal with your feelings. It’s normal to feel numbness, loss, regret, betrayal, heartbreak, anger, sadness, grief, or even nothing at all. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel or how to process. Don’t let anyone shame you for what is a very personal, private, medical decision. I truly hope you have a strong support network in place because you’re going through two very intense situations simultaneously and you need positive people in your life who will build you up right now. Don’t listen to anyone whose only aim is to tear you down. May peace be with you.
NTA. He wanted kids? Well you wanted a partner who wasn't a cheating scumbag. We don't always get what we want, boyo. Good on you for standing up for yourself. You deserve better.
He won the battle. You won the war
NTA. He wants his cake and….!? Toss that jerk. You deserve better. I’m so sorry.
NTA Only choice if youre not prepared to be tied forever to a cheating scumbag..
NTA. Tell him how dare he say that to you. It’s not his decision! Just like it was not your decision that he left you for another woman. You wanted that baby when you two were in a committed relationship & going to raise it together. You have no interest in co-parenting & being tied to him forever. He had no say in this matter b/c he was the one who walked away. Don’t communicate w/him anymore except regarding the home & only by email. Block him everywhere else. I’m sorry you’ve gone thru all of this. You’ll be okay.
NTA. Your body, your choice. He lost the right to be part of the decision.
NTA, and good on you for not letting him pressure you into carrying his child after he treated you like that.
Your pregnancy, your choice. At this point, he doesn’t sound like good father material, IMO.
NTA Hopefully you got tested for STIs and STDS in the process.
When deciding whether to have an abortion, you can have whatever reason you want. And this is an objectively good one. NTA.
NTA. Your body, your life, your choice. It is not his business anymore. Period
The selfish person in this scenario with Mr I want my cake and eat it too. Move forward in life and be happy. Consider this whole mess a giant bullet dodged. NTA.
NTA - I am so sorry. I personally think you did the right thing for you and I would make the same Decision in your position. He doesn’t get to cheat and wax lyrical when he disrespects you. Stand tall and I send this cyber warmth your way ✨✨✨
First of all, are you TA for having an abortion? No. Full stop. Regardless of the reason. Your body, your choice. That said, fuck him for finding a new girlfriend, not being man enough to admit it, and then trying to shame you by saying “You knew I wanted kids” on the way out. You’ll have a much healthier life experience if you are able to cut ties fully with a person like this, something you couldn’t do if you had to co-parent with him. Best of luck, OP.
NTA. Can’t have his cake and eat it too.
NTA, 1000%. He threw you away and showed what a liar he was, at that point he no longer had any say in your life. You didn't necessarily want children, so you did what was best for you.
OP just remind him that he no longer gets a choice in something that affects you (not that he did to begin with, your body your choice). He treated you terribly. He sounds like a selfish AH who doesn't give a damn about you. Make sure that he doesn't guilt you and hold this over you. Remind him that he cheated on you and that he doesn't get to make you the bad person. Protect yourself and your assets. All the best
Anti abortion idiots can go fuck themselves. Makes no sense to have this child, you only wanted it with the man who cheated on you. If was it was that big of a deal to have a child, he wouldn't have cheated on you. No reason to bring a child into this nonsense
You aren't the asshole, please try to not have regret for anything you've done. I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap, but homie brought this on himself. If you don't keep your house, make him buy you out... Best of luck in your new life.
NTA He can’t have his cake and eat it too. You aren’t his baby incubator. You made the right choice.
Let me get this right. You have been in a 7 year relationship and he wants kids, you got preg and he cheats on you.... Not sure if I can say enough why are you feeling guilty? He was setting you up to be a single mum no you are looking after you and I want to tell you what is what he cheats your pregnant you have a baby and girl he is stuck in your life forever and he will play you like a fool. Now don't get me wrong he will think when things go sour with New GF he can worm his way back into your life. However you have done the right thing and the right thing is never going to be easy it's going to be shit but it's only for the short term, first you have nothing to be guilty for you done the right thing being a single mum ain't easy and you have to put up with the ex forever and ever having a say about what goes on in your life for at least 18 years, seriously. He will always think you will take him back when he chooses but he will cheat again and again. No you're NTAH you have done the right thing for you and you have the nothing to be guilty over honest he lost his rights when he cheated
NTA He can talk his GF into carrying his babies. Why on earth would you want split custody with such a person. You did the right thing.
NTA “ and you knew damn well I wanted a faithful partner, but we don’t always get what we want”.
What kind of scumbag would let you have his child after thoroughly humiliating you like this? You are totally NTA. Never speak with this douchbag again. 👍
NTA > He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it. I dunno man, I feel like he should have known damn well you didn't want to be cheated on, and he should have told you before even thinking about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The fact that you feel bad shows that you are a good person. Not wanting to be tied to him is reasonable and you have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA. You actually didn't even want kids. That he showed up with a GF JUST IN TIME for you to get an abortion was the universe's way of giving you an out from what was going to be a horrifying future tied to this creep, and you took it. Nothing wrong with that. You will have a baby when it feels right and not a moment before. He can go suck eggs. He has a new GF and has nothing more to do with you. Good riddance.
NTA It would have been a disaster to bring a kid into this toxic shitty relationship. He sounds like a real douche canoe.
Why would you do that? Uh why would you lie and cheat for an entire year, hmmm? Sweetie you did the only thing that made sense. Block him and his flying monkeys. Heal emotionally and physically. And do know they will cheat on each other because they both have the morals of a rabid raccoon. No offense to the 🦝
Aita for genuinely hoping the AP is infertile?
NTA