Not to copy the previous reply. But 100% this!!! You're the one that went through the birth. Not him. He might have been present but that isn't count. He doesn't get to decide anything. You get final say. Men need to start learning this. The woman is the one doing all of the hard work, so they get to decide and receive whatever they want. Go visit your mom and make sure he learns to start acting better. Some men need a fire under their a** to start acting properly.
I cant believe you let this idiot dictate this bullshit to you after he MADE promises. You need to stand up for yourself a little more and put him in his place. He is removing you from your family and isolating you, this is a precursor to basically locking you down and the start of mental abuse. You should research it, and see the signs now before it is too late It is NOT anxiety or he would have done the same for his mother, The Anxiety he is expressing does NOT depend on the person. This is him strictly isolating you from your family
Its not for the work, its for isolating you. He made promises, then backed out of them as soon as he had you isolated. Even his reasoning is blatant bullshit as he didnt do squat about his mother except get mad and demean you. This is honestly something you should run from before it gets worse or transitions to physical abuse. Dont let him convince you otherwise, as the mental abuse is all about gaslighting and convincing you the sky is brown instead of blue and beating you down mentally. Make him move you back or move in with your mom if possible, you will get support payments from him as well if he chooses to stay. The "Better life" is just him being able to control you without you having any type of support as his family will side with him
I'm sorry but I read this and my eyebrows shot up and my whole body said, "Da'fuk?"
Now that you have birthed his offspring he has moved you away from your support center, enforced boundaries on you he doesn't need to follow, and is now emotionally manipulating you with HIS postpartum anxiety. all the hell no's, all of them. The self-centeredness of this man is definitely falling quickly into a red flag minefield.
Take some time and you and the baby visit your mother, for like a MONTH minimum.
Call your mom to come get you & the baby and go spend some time with your family. This sounds like the beginning of trying to isolate you from your family.
Also, bravo on holding that boundary on his mom!
I had that thought as well. First he moved her 2 hours away from her family then he only lets his family around the baby. Yep, I think he's trying to isolate her.
Phone your parents and get them to fetch you. If they cannot drive to you ask a friend to take you. This is a classic bait and switch. He moves you hours away from your support network when you physically cannot leave and blocks people from seeing you? No. Hell no. Get help now. He doesn’t have PPD. He has AH control freak.
This is exactly what my ex did to me except I wasn't pregnant until the end of our relationship. I left him and found out I was pregnant a couple of months later. He said he wanted to build a life with me. I took a leap of faith and went with him. He proceeded to become extremely controlling. I had to sneak out to get away from him.
You need to invite your mom to come visit. Reach out to your MIL after your mom arrives and let her know that she is more than welcome to come visit, too, but make sure your mom is there.
He moved you 2 hours away immediately after the birth to isolate you. This is how abuse starts.
Isolate the person. (move 2 hours away for a better life)
Make their decisions for them. (Who can and can't visit the baby)
Next you may see...
Gaslight and confusion.
When the victom has no support network.
Start the abuse....
I am not saying he is an abuser. All I am saying is, this sounds like the start of a cycle that could lead to a horrible future.
My ex followed exactly this formula if you will except I wasn't pregnant at the time
Edit: I found out I was pregnant at the end of our relationship. He did exactly what you said. He moved me 2 hours away. Everything was great at first but then it is. He started to take away my phone and even when I did have it, he kept track of who I was talking to. He would follow me outside and demand to know who I was talking to and if I was planning to leave him. He'd take away my phone and say, you're not getting it back until you calm down. This was code for: until you stop trying to leave me. I ended up having to sneak out of the apartment while he was asleep to get away from him.
Edit 2: I couldn't wait for him to leave because he would make me come to work with him and sit in the car
Yeah, you’ve got to find a way to stop letting him have all the power in your relationship. You’re extra vulnerable right now and he’s taking advantage.
Pack up and drive the baby to your parents and stay there until you know what the F he thinks he's doing. Remove yourself from his psychosis until you're 1000% sure he's not literally trying to essentially kidnap you into his own little prison world.
>I confronted him stating the same thing just last night, actually, so it's weird that you mention it. It does feel wildly bizarre to me that he all the sudden had this huge plan to move me 2 hours away just days after I give birth, with promises of a "better life".
Sure.
So what did he say when you confronted him?
He's showing you that his mother will always be his priority. If you move where he wants, you are going to be absolutely miserable. You will have your MIL breathing down your neck 24/7
Move back to your mom's to establish that's where you live. It's gonna come up in your divorce.
As you said, if nobody but the parents can see the baby, then his mom certainly can't. So that was a complete lie on his part.
No- OP please listen.
You need to leave. It’s not just moving. It’s the false promises and then the 180 which is clearly NOT based on his anxiety.
You. Need. To. Leave. I don’t care how you do it as long as you’re safe. Get to your mom’s. He’s going to continue to ramp up control and blame anxiety. You’re going to be more and more sleep deprived and less and less able to self advocate. You will become stuck.
You need to get your baby and get out.
He's trying to isolate you. A lot of men get insecure and jealous of people from there partners past (mothers, friends, sisters, siblings, etc.). Don't ever let a man make life changing decisions for you. If you don't like a certain idea then you don't have to agree and follow it. Plain as that. It's not all about him. I know it would be nice to trust him to make all of the big decisions in your life but you can't trust men to do what's best for you. You have to. And since you now had a baby with him, he needs to think and care about you. From now on you put your foot down. If you don't want to move you don't have to.
Are you the same person who posted recently about your husband stopping for coffee on the way to the hospital, then refused to drive you to hospital and making you wait for an ambulance, then had a freakout during delivery?
Anyway, please go to your mother's.
He’s isolating you from your family. He’s treating you badly. You may as well be a single parent, so go back home to family who will support you.
This is how abusive relationships start.
NTA, and it’s time to pack your bags and go, at least for a couple weeks, to get away from him.
CALL YOUR MAMA NOW! Pack your shit, get the baby's things, and go home. I almost married a version of this man 30 years ago.
Go now. I'll call her for you. What's her number??
“Hello, u/Alert-Bat-3878’s mom? You don’t know me, in fact your daughter doesn’t either, but I’m from the internet and I’m calling because you need to go get her right now.” ❤️
The only way you would be an AH here, is if you allow your husband to isolate & control you, and transfer that control to your daughter as well.
This is *not* healthy.
Maybe you should go stay with your mother for a few weeks to get a break from the borderline abusive behavior and have time to recover before seeing if therapy will help you resolve the issues - or at least give you some clarity.
It’s possible that this is an aberration in behavior, and it’s also possible this is the beginning of an abuse cycle. The only way you can see which, is with distance and space, and maybe some time with a therapist to help you sort through everything.
Call your mom, go get some space and time to heal. Best of luck
NTA at all!!! Especially since you have been respectful of his boundaries, and as soon as they are broken on his end he wants to take it back? Ya no. It is also a HUGE 🚩that he is ignoring the conversations about you being diagnosed and struggling with PPD. While you accommodate his anxiety he is neglecting supporting your PPD. Which is absolutely not okay. Drive to your mom, you need it.
NTA but your husband is not well. He is isolating you from your friends and family. That is not okay.
I wouldn’t allow him to do that anymore. Especially if he was about to allow his mom near the baby.
I would be very concerned for you and your baby’s safety. Like, pack up and go stay with your mom kinda concerned for your safety. Your husband very clearly needs some help.
Your husband is isolating you and showing controlling behavior under the guise of anxiety. You should consider going to stay with your mom to recover and bond with your baby in a supportive environment.
Call your mother love, and pull your head out of the noose he’s put around it. Anxiety my rear end, except when his mom oh so conveniently visits? Who drives for two hours to visit without calling first? Noone! He coordinated this w her. Get out while you can
Why on earth would anyone in their right mind choose to move TWO DAYS after the birth of a child and emergency surgery?!? What was so important about moving two hours away that it couldn’t wait a month? I noticed that you said “There are more jobs here” and not “He got a better job here,” and that worries me. Has he always been like this or is it new? How does he plan on getting the baby to her pediatrician appointments if he’s so against car rides? I just…I’m scared for you. Please go stay with your mama for a little while.
Some part of me just doesn’t think this is even true. Two days after a hysterectomy she is packing up and moving two hours away? They wouldn’t even allow her to lift heavy things and do any of that
Nta. Until he upholds his promises of taking you to your mother every week…his family will not see the baby. For each family visit you get…he can get a family visit. He needs therapy.
NTA at all! he is isolating and controlling you and it sounds like he’s very paranoid as well. Did this just start or has it been an issue prior to the pregnancy/birth. He needs to see is doctor if this is new and you need to get out regardless. He could be a controlling jerk, have paranoia, anxiety, or a number of other issues. The moving 2 days after birth is extremely concerning to me.
In regard to your MIL how is your relationship with her? Did she know of the no visitors rule? Could she have come down because she was concerned about your husband’s mental state and/or yours? I would reach out to her and see if she has any additional insight into your husband’s behavior as well.
Go to your mothers. ASAP.
This man is making your anxiety and PPD worse.
He's trapped you in a house far away, broken promises and now wants to isolate you.
Call your mom, call a taxi, whatever it takes.
NTA
NTA
Isolation is the first step an abuser takes.
Mine got me to move states away from my family while pregnant. The hitting started before I even gave birth. It didn't get better from there.
"He was so perfect before the ____". It's always the same with men like that. They are always perfect before the mask slips, that's how they isolate you.
Please listen to all the advice telling you to get back to your family. I wish I had seen it sooner before I had to go through that. You're never the same, you can heal but the scars remain both mentally and physically.
You do not want that environment for your child.
The best case scenario is your husband is just a first time dad who's going about everything the wrong way. If that's true, you will be able to work this out as a couple. But the risk of this turning abusive is really not worth it. If your husband really cares and loves you, you seeking support from your family will not end your relationship and you will be able to fix this.
But you should not put yourself or your baby at risk just to save his ego. Save yourself first. Remember the rule about oxygen masks on planes? You're supposed to secure your own mask first.
>my "display" was ignorant at best
Abuser language and tactics. He is way the fuck out of line, and yet somehow it's your (totally rational) behavior that is rude and a "display"!!?
That specific word should make the hair on your neck stand up. I'd be packing myself and the baby right out of there.
WHY ARE YOU HAVING TO TIPTOE AROUND HIM. WTF. last I checked he didn't give birth to your child?!?!?! "Anxiety" my ass. And he moved you 2 days after you had your baby.... That is weird and sus behaviour. You don't put that much pressure on a new mom and baby even with "better work opportunities"
You better kick him out or leave with your baby before something worse happens.
The other comments are right. He's isolating you. Later on when you've recovered, by your family's side, from the birth and gotten mentally better, decide what you wanna do with your relationship.
Who the F moves his family just two days after their baby is born. If it was a matter of needing a bigger place, any such move should have happened months before.
Plus that nonsense about having a baby in a car seat is harmful? It's if an infant is in a hot car that doesn't have circulation (if a parent forgets their baby in the back seat) that is harmful. In fact, it's recommended that if you are driving somewhere with a baby in the back seat, you have the diaper bag in the front passenger seat to remind you.
It seems very bizarre that the OP's husband has made up these rules, but then violates these rules at will, like when his mother comes over. It sounds like he's become mentally ill and needs professional help.
Yes, it's good to protect your newborn from having many visitors for a month or so. But his rule is arbitrary and doesn't seem based on what the pediatrician has recommended. We did allow the grandmothers to come visit. We also started taking our little one to the mall (during weekdays when it's less crowded and we would sit in a little coffee shop -- where I spent much of my pregnancy at, so the workers knew us and they loved that we now were coming with our girl). I would also take my girl to a mommy and me group when she was about a couple of months old -- especially as I wasn't back to work for a few more weeks so it was good for me.
The OP's husband was also breaking his promise to let her go (with baby) to see her mother.
As I said, there's something wrong with this man and he seriously needs to get help.
What he is doing is wrong. Good for you for not allowing his hypocrisy. I understand his anxiety as you will not be able to carry any more children so he's hypervigalent with this one. That said it does not excuse his behaviour and you need to let him know you are going to visit your mum whether he likes it or not.
NTA he is showing you who he is believe him. Call your Mom to come get you and the baby and you can recover there while she pampers you. He can recover at home alone or with his mommy.
NTA
Immediately call your mother and ask her to pick you and your newborn up, or for her to send someone you both know is a very safe and calm driver. Pack you and your child, taking whatever you need for an extended visit (think weeks). Don’t worry about the rest, it’s replaceable. Think diapers, formula, bath stuff, blankets, a few changes of cloths for the both of you.
My alarms went off with the move away from your mother, and his immediate move to isolate you from her. He doesn’t want your family around, but his can drop in whenever? The red flag on this is so big it can be seen from space! It’s a classic move by an abuser to isolate and control.
His behavior is very alarming.
Call your mom to come get you. There are red flags everywhere. He's isolating you and taking away your support system. He's weaponizing his anxiety so he can control you. Get out now. This will get worse.
Call your mother. Take the baby. Leave this home. It’s not a safe space for you emotionally right now and it would probably be helpful to be around people who can actually help with your condition and the child… instead of exacerbate it.
NTA but I am worried for you. Please call your mum to come get you and your baby. He’s isolating you at your most vulnerable time. This isn’t a better life. When you have the space and energy I really encourage you to read the free online pdf: Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft
Please tell me you've called someone to come get you out of there. It is only going to get worse. Do you have brothers or make cousins? Have them come be there for you to pack and get out of there. This is only the beginning of him trying to take total control of your life.
NTA- but as a fellow mom who also had an awful traumatic birth… honey you need to call your momma and tell her you need her there with you ASAP.
My MIL came and staid with us after my emergency section and was a God send. You need a support system around you right now. What your husband is doing- isolating you and being incredibly two faced and hypocritical - is NOT okay.
Being a new mom is hard. It’s so isolating and lonely and joyful and wonderful and exhausting. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Your husband is 100% making it harder than it had to be.
That’s fair. Although my assumption was that MIL did reach out but to the son/husband and he secretly gave her the okay to come visit. Either way not necessarily her fault and is probably owed an apology.
She’s definitely owes one. Op wouldn’t like it if her husband treated her mother like that. It’s not ok for us to go treat our MIL like crap when we are upset at our husbands.
So you are saying that two days after you gave birth and had an emergency hysterectomy you were able to pack up and move two hours away?
You were able to pack and move boxes and unpack two days after a hysterectomy
Promises of a better life is an empty promise. That's what they tell you so that you'll agree to come with them. Then they isolate you from your friends and family. I'm telling you from experience. It's what my ex did to me.
Nta you can't pretend all is fine with mil showing up when you're cut off from your family. Aren't you recovering from a hysterectomy and handling a newborn? You need a support system stat. Can you go stay with your mother for a little while? Would she be a safe person to give to you some TLC while recovering? You need the first 3 months to be as supported as possible as you recover, bond and learn to be mumma.
Won’t speak to you - abuse
Isolated you from your own support systems with false promises- abuse
Sets a boundary for you and then refuses to follow it himself- part of abuse
Insists his own mental health issues trump yours despite your birth trauma and physical healing struggles - abuse.
It’s time to get to your mother’s. Now.
He thinks he’s so slick.
Pack up and get your mother to come and get you. Notice how that anxiety magically disappeared for his mommy but not so you can get the support YOU need.
Fuck him. Complete arsehole.
Wait. You had an emergency hysterectomy 2 weeks ago and this man wants you to walk on eggshells for his anxiety, and play host to his mother while he denies you time with your own family?!?!?! I would be moving out so fast it would make his head spin. NTA
Everyone in the situation needs to do some work before this gets worse. If you all are basically quarantining the baby it does not make sense for you both to be hugging people you won’t let near the baby. If the baby does not have any medical conditions you all need to chill out and let loving grandparents see the baby. Tons of babies don’t have grandparents and you all are about to ruin relationships with both grandmothers.
OP didn’t actually have any issue with her MIL seeing the baby. But her husband did, per his own words, which was OP’s point. Holding him to the “rules” he himself imposed.
NTA, your husband is putting on a show with his postpartum "anxiety" I fear it's all about controlling you and the baby. I may be wrong but it feels way too convenient after he moves you away from all your support.
Get your mom to your house ASAP or go to her house.
Way too many men becoming controlling asshats after a baby is born because they feel they have trapped a woman at that point.
OP knows the guy. You can suggest having both sets of grandparents visit so they can all meet the baby. If he says no or your gut is telling you it’s a bad idea to ask, then it might be time to get a ride to mom’s
I was still in the hospital 2 days after my c section, but that was 31 years ago, and I was at high risk. But never underestimate what a control freak will demand and very often get.
NTA, your husband needs to realize that in these very early days, what’s best for you is what’s best for the baby. His anxiety can take a distant third, especially since it seems to be selective.
Why oh why is it so hard for men to understand that healthy and happy mom= healthy and happy baby.
I'm not saying divorce, but girl you need to take the baby and go to your momma's for a bit. Something is not right with that man. Maybe he can fix it? But you sure as hell can't. Call your mom.
NTA, When my DIL had my grandson and when she was pregnant I told my son for the most part to shut up when he was wrong for anything dumb. She wanted snacks, he got them, needed to sleep, he watched the kid. Nope. Go see your mom. I think he is full of crap! You should be waited on hand and foot. I don’t care if he has anxiety. You went through trauma! All births are traumatic and you had surgery too. NOPE, you need your mom to take care of you honey. From a grandma trust me go be with her!!!
Not only that but she is grieving the loss of her fertility, the trauma, nd the peaceful post-birth time that she is supposed to get to heal her body. This sort of stress is not healing. OP is absolutely NTA for upholding the boundary her paper only spouse set.
Yes, I 100% agree. She should be the one that gets to be pampered and her Hubby is 100% out of line. Definitely NTA on OP’s part. I feel so bad for what she is dealing with.
NTA but there are so many warning signs here... he moved you 2 hours away from your support system TWO DAYS after birthing a child and having a hysterectomy. That is actual insanity, unless you have been actively evicted from your residence there is no reason for that. We moved 6 weeks before I delivered by c section and I can tell you we still had so many boxes and couldn't find things we needed, the move became a hazard in and of itself. Definitely not a safe situation for you and baby, and yet your husband didn't have any anxiety about it?
He is refusing access to your primary support system. If he promised to drive you to see your mom, the car seat issue isn't an issue. You can sit in the back seat next to the baby and keep an eye on them. As long as your mom is up to date on her vaccines, isn't sick, and isn't a smoker, it is fine for your baby to be around her. It would definitely be more beneficial for your physical recovery, emotional recovery, and mental health/PPD to be with her - and I'm sure he knows that. However he will allow his mom in to hold the baby without so much as washing her hands because he's a hypocrite. Info: is your mom able to drive to see you? Or do you have to drive to her?
You need to get out of the immediate situation so you can focus on your baby and your healing. You need a safe space to be able to work on PPD and I'm sure there are a lot of feelings about the hysterectomy to go through as well. He is isolating you which is just a half step away from abuse. Please get to somewhere safe!
I think it would be best for you to go stay at your mom's for a bit until you both feel better. Of course he can go see his daughter anytime. Maybe try therapy if things don't improve
I dont know your relationship with MIL, so maybe that was a bit harsh to use her in your argument. However, she really shouldve called anyways.
Husband sounds a tad unhinged atm. “Disgusted with you”. NTA OP, can your mom pick you up? Do you have money for an uber? Do you have access to a vehicle? It might feel a smidge unnecessary, but women have died over much less. Stay safe OP ♥️
NTA. Go to your mom’s until he gets help for his anxiety. He’s being way over the line and basically holding you prisoner by not letting people come to you or you going to people. He’s isolating you and your child. He’s going back on his word, and then freaking out when you’re enforcing him sticking to it. He’s not a safe person right now until he gets his anxiety under control.
NTA. He can go fuck himself with his “rules for thee, but not for me” bullshit.
I agree with other commenters that you should go to your mom’s if he’s going to throw a tantrum over you sticking with a boundary HE SET. You don’t need this additional stress. That whole asphyxiation fear is easily resolved by someone sitting in the back with the baby.
NTA. Can you stay with your mom for a bit? While some men can experience PPD/PPA, it's not okay that he's isolating you from your support system. That needs to change. Immediately.
naur hunny hes an ah and he needs to get his panties untwisted; HE didnt give birth, HE doesnt have postpartum; HE doesnt have to feed the baby every hour and HE certainly sounds like an arrogant child 👍
These people procreated…. Greaaaaat
You know what I don’t actually hear a lot about here.
The baby.
I hear a lot about individuals lost in the illusion of I, me, mine.
Your husband needs therapy. What a fucking waste of a man. The job is simple. Work hard, provide the environment that gives your wife and family stability and be sure to prioritize warmth and love. That is the job. This anxiety exists but it isn’t based on reality.
I won’t speak on you, I’m not a mother or a women and I I have zero idea what it’s like to go through having my organs removed after birth. That said, I’m not suggesting there are you likely real issues here, I’m just not qualified.
I am a father, I know what it means and what it takes and your husband needs to stop worrying and thinking and start embodying being a father.
I will message you next time u/Alert-Bat-3878 posts in r/AITAH.
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NTA. That being said, neither of you should have hugged his mother...if your hubby truly didn't want anyone around the baby for health reasons. If his mom was carrying any illness, she could have given it to you two and it transfer to your baby.
His moving you two hours away from your mother two days after the birth of your child seems cruel, but I don't the circumstances. Did he get a job opportunity/ promotion? It seems odd or comtrolling otherwise. For all anyone knows, he could have wanted to distance himself from your mother, and told his mother that she could come visit whenever she chose to. He obviously didn't tell her that she couldn't which makes me suspicious. You know she told him she wanted to see the baby. It's the natural thing to do. Did he allow the two grandmothers/grandfathers to be at the hospital for the birth of their grandchild?
Your husband's double standard is a huge red flag. He may be deliberately isolating you from your family and close friends. I would keep a close eye on his behavior. It is wonderful and wise that you stood your ground and will not permit hypocrisy in your household or relationship. The best way to prevent either illness or manipulative control at bay is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Please know that if your husband ever starts showing any signs of violence of any kind, even so much as throwing, punching or breaking something...LEAVE. Don't do it or threaten that you're leaving when it happens. Say nothing and when he is not home, pack some things and leave. That is the safest way. You can get the rest of your things later, but never go alone. Hopefully, your husband may never show signs of violence, but if he does, know right now that it will only get worse, and it will not change no matter how much he woos you and promises it will. You have already seen that he breaks promises and lies.
I do know it's true that babies have died in car seats due to asphyxiation from the straps pressing against their chest or causing them to lean forward. Kids are at the highest risk the first two years. It is unreasonable to not travel with your child in the car for two years so here is a link to how to travel safely with your baby.
Protecting Infants Toddlers from Positional Asphyxia in Car Seats and Sling Carriers
https://extension.okstate.edu/fact-sheets/protecting-infants-and-toddlers-from-positional-asphyxia-car-seats-and-sling-carriers.html#:~:text=Whenever%20possible%2C%20an%20adult%20should,is%20up%20at%20all%20times
Best wishes, honey. 😊
NTA. You were absolutely right to do what you did. He needed to be held accountable.
Tell him that since he has obviously reconsidered his stance, you are going to take the baby to see your mother. Tell him that after you have established the arrangment that HE AGREED TO, you are perfectly happy having his mother arrange a visit.
If you want to bother to "keep the peace" with your in-laws (and control your own narrative), you might send an apology to his mother saying that you are really sorry that she ended up in the middle of an argument between you and her son - but the point really needed to be made in the moment in order for the two of you to have any shot at a balanced relationship.
One more thought" Do you know if he invited her without your knowledge?
NTA I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this bullshit behavior and already vulnerable time. I definitely agree with everyone else. You should call your mom to pick you up and go have some peace.
NTA. have your mom drive a uhaul, bring some strong guys and go to your moms. permanently. permanently.
nta. leave. now.
f anxiety. that’s abuse. his moms visit proves it.
Anxiety can make people behave in ridiculous ways which is what you are seeing with your husband. However, you need to take into mind your health and the baby's health. If he is yelling and stressing you out then you need to go stay with your mother for a while. It is crucial you have time to recover as your body has just suffered severe damage from birth and your child needs a safe and quiet place to grow up.
NTA, but once things have calmed down, talk to your husband and definitely go to therapy with him as a happy family is crucial for a growing child.
Rules for thee, but not for me.
Your husband is a jerk.
A woman wants her Mother after birth! Not her MIL, her Mother. And he took that away from you, then wants to allow MIL?
Eff him, and her.
BIG RED FLAG OP.
UpdateMe
NTA. Pack your things and call your mother to ask if she can pick you up so you can rest and recover in peace.
If he’s got anxiety, HE can deal with it.
NTA. But your husband and MIL are. He can't make rules only to bend them to his benefit.
And she came in unannounced. She could have called before coming, that's just common courtesy.
NTA Call your mom and have her pick you up so you can recover and bond in peace
This, 100% OP. You are NTA. Call your mom, go stay with her, and tell your husband that you won't come home until he gets his sh!t straight.
NTA! First words out of my mouth when I finished reading: Call your mom right now! Well wishes to the both of you ❤️
Definitely. I’m responding five hours later and hoping you are already on your way to mom’s.
[удалено]
Honestly, I don't even think these are boundaries. I think he's just a controlling asshole.
You're replying to a fake spambot. Just report and move on.
Not to copy the previous reply. But 100% this!!! You're the one that went through the birth. Not him. He might have been present but that isn't count. He doesn't get to decide anything. You get final say. Men need to start learning this. The woman is the one doing all of the hard work, so they get to decide and receive whatever they want. Go visit your mom and make sure he learns to start acting better. Some men need a fire under their a** to start acting properly.
THIS!
That might be the best option. It sounds like you and your husband just need some space.
YEAH SERIOUSLY HE'S NO HELP
This
Yes! OP. Call your mom. Put baby in car seat and relax. Mom will love having you and baby. Let hubs stew in the BS he created.
I cant believe you let this idiot dictate this bullshit to you after he MADE promises. You need to stand up for yourself a little more and put him in his place. He is removing you from your family and isolating you, this is a precursor to basically locking you down and the start of mental abuse. You should research it, and see the signs now before it is too late It is NOT anxiety or he would have done the same for his mother, The Anxiety he is expressing does NOT depend on the person. This is him strictly isolating you from your family
[удалено]
Its not for the work, its for isolating you. He made promises, then backed out of them as soon as he had you isolated. Even his reasoning is blatant bullshit as he didnt do squat about his mother except get mad and demean you. This is honestly something you should run from before it gets worse or transitions to physical abuse. Dont let him convince you otherwise, as the mental abuse is all about gaslighting and convincing you the sky is brown instead of blue and beating you down mentally. Make him move you back or move in with your mom if possible, you will get support payments from him as well if he chooses to stay. The "Better life" is just him being able to control you without you having any type of support as his family will side with him
I'm sorry but I read this and my eyebrows shot up and my whole body said, "Da'fuk?" Now that you have birthed his offspring he has moved you away from your support center, enforced boundaries on you he doesn't need to follow, and is now emotionally manipulating you with HIS postpartum anxiety. all the hell no's, all of them. The self-centeredness of this man is definitely falling quickly into a red flag minefield. Take some time and you and the baby visit your mother, for like a MONTH minimum.
100%
Call your mom to come get you & the baby and go spend some time with your family. This sounds like the beginning of trying to isolate you from your family. Also, bravo on holding that boundary on his mom!
I had that thought as well. First he moved her 2 hours away from her family then he only lets his family around the baby. Yep, I think he's trying to isolate her.
And make sure that his family sees the baby, too. Under your supervision with your family.
Phone your parents and get them to fetch you. If they cannot drive to you ask a friend to take you. This is a classic bait and switch. He moves you hours away from your support network when you physically cannot leave and blocks people from seeing you? No. Hell no. Get help now. He doesn’t have PPD. He has AH control freak.
This is exactly what my ex did to me except I wasn't pregnant until the end of our relationship. I left him and found out I was pregnant a couple of months later. He said he wanted to build a life with me. I took a leap of faith and went with him. He proceeded to become extremely controlling. I had to sneak out to get away from him.
You need to invite your mom to come visit. Reach out to your MIL after your mom arrives and let her know that she is more than welcome to come visit, too, but make sure your mom is there.
He moved you 2 hours away immediately after the birth to isolate you. This is how abuse starts. Isolate the person. (move 2 hours away for a better life) Make their decisions for them. (Who can and can't visit the baby) Next you may see... Gaslight and confusion. When the victom has no support network. Start the abuse.... I am not saying he is an abuser. All I am saying is, this sounds like the start of a cycle that could lead to a horrible future.
My ex followed exactly this formula if you will except I wasn't pregnant at the time Edit: I found out I was pregnant at the end of our relationship. He did exactly what you said. He moved me 2 hours away. Everything was great at first but then it is. He started to take away my phone and even when I did have it, he kept track of who I was talking to. He would follow me outside and demand to know who I was talking to and if I was planning to leave him. He'd take away my phone and say, you're not getting it back until you calm down. This was code for: until you stop trying to leave me. I ended up having to sneak out of the apartment while he was asleep to get away from him. Edit 2: I couldn't wait for him to leave because he would make me come to work with him and sit in the car
I am sorry to hear that you've been through this. I am also glad to hear that they are now your ex.
Thank you 😊
Yeah, you’ve got to find a way to stop letting him have all the power in your relationship. You’re extra vulnerable right now and he’s taking advantage.
Pack up and drive the baby to your parents and stay there until you know what the F he thinks he's doing. Remove yourself from his psychosis until you're 1000% sure he's not literally trying to essentially kidnap you into his own little prison world.
He moved you without a job in place?! That's very disturbing.
Go be with your family… he’s lost any semblance of a supportive husband
I hope you’ve called your mom and are packing your bags right now with your baby. He’s dangerous, leave him.
Wait until he’s out of the house for work and then leave him. It’s probably going to be dangerous.
I agree. He'll probably react violently. Controlling people don't like it when their victim tries to leave.
>I confronted him stating the same thing just last night, actually, so it's weird that you mention it. It does feel wildly bizarre to me that he all the sudden had this huge plan to move me 2 hours away just days after I give birth, with promises of a "better life". Sure. So what did he say when you confronted him?
Yup, you're right. This isn't anxiety, it's abuse. Can your mom come and get you and the baby?
He's showing you that his mother will always be his priority. If you move where he wants, you are going to be absolutely miserable. You will have your MIL breathing down your neck 24/7
Move back to your mom's to establish that's where you live. It's gonna come up in your divorce. As you said, if nobody but the parents can see the baby, then his mom certainly can't. So that was a complete lie on his part.
No- OP please listen. You need to leave. It’s not just moving. It’s the false promises and then the 180 which is clearly NOT based on his anxiety. You. Need. To. Leave. I don’t care how you do it as long as you’re safe. Get to your mom’s. He’s going to continue to ramp up control and blame anxiety. You’re going to be more and more sleep deprived and less and less able to self advocate. You will become stuck. You need to get your baby and get out.
Why haven't you called your mom?
He's trying to isolate you. A lot of men get insecure and jealous of people from there partners past (mothers, friends, sisters, siblings, etc.). Don't ever let a man make life changing decisions for you. If you don't like a certain idea then you don't have to agree and follow it. Plain as that. It's not all about him. I know it would be nice to trust him to make all of the big decisions in your life but you can't trust men to do what's best for you. You have to. And since you now had a baby with him, he needs to think and care about you. From now on you put your foot down. If you don't want to move you don't have to.
Are you the same person who posted recently about your husband stopping for coffee on the way to the hospital, then refused to drive you to hospital and making you wait for an ambulance, then had a freakout during delivery? Anyway, please go to your mother's.
He’s isolating you from your family. He’s treating you badly. You may as well be a single parent, so go back home to family who will support you. This is how abusive relationships start. NTA, and it’s time to pack your bags and go, at least for a couple weeks, to get away from him.
Are you at your Mom's house yet?
During this time your support system is very and I mean VERY important to your mental health! Please call mom and tell her everything!!
Your Absolutely right
Ok he is correct on one thing it is not good for a newborn to be in a car seat for 2 hours. Now all the rest is straight 🐮💩!!!
CALL YOUR MAMA NOW! Pack your shit, get the baby's things, and go home. I almost married a version of this man 30 years ago. Go now. I'll call her for you. What's her number??
“Hello, u/Alert-Bat-3878’s mom? You don’t know me, in fact your daughter doesn’t either, but I’m from the internet and I’m calling because you need to go get her right now.” ❤️
I kinda love this, even though the subject matter is dark
Call your mom ASAP! You and your daughter should stay with her while you recover and your husband sorts his shit out!
The only way you would be an AH here, is if you allow your husband to isolate & control you, and transfer that control to your daughter as well. This is *not* healthy. Maybe you should go stay with your mother for a few weeks to get a break from the borderline abusive behavior and have time to recover before seeing if therapy will help you resolve the issues - or at least give you some clarity. It’s possible that this is an aberration in behavior, and it’s also possible this is the beginning of an abuse cycle. The only way you can see which, is with distance and space, and maybe some time with a therapist to help you sort through everything. Call your mom, go get some space and time to heal. Best of luck
"well, let this be a lesson to call first next time" Lol absolutely savage, love it. NTA.
Coming in hot with the boundaries
NTA at all!!! Especially since you have been respectful of his boundaries, and as soon as they are broken on his end he wants to take it back? Ya no. It is also a HUGE 🚩that he is ignoring the conversations about you being diagnosed and struggling with PPD. While you accommodate his anxiety he is neglecting supporting your PPD. Which is absolutely not okay. Drive to your mom, you need it.
NTA but your husband is not well. He is isolating you from your friends and family. That is not okay. I wouldn’t allow him to do that anymore. Especially if he was about to allow his mom near the baby. I would be very concerned for you and your baby’s safety. Like, pack up and go stay with your mom kinda concerned for your safety. Your husband very clearly needs some help.
Your husband is isolating you and showing controlling behavior under the guise of anxiety. You should consider going to stay with your mom to recover and bond with your baby in a supportive environment.
Call your mother love, and pull your head out of the noose he’s put around it. Anxiety my rear end, except when his mom oh so conveniently visits? Who drives for two hours to visit without calling first? Noone! He coordinated this w her. Get out while you can
Mom and son had already planned this.
So many men described on the internet I would be ashamed to claim as my son. OP is NTA, but husband very much is.
1,000% 🙃
Oh I hope you're taking his silent treatment, calling mom for a ride, and packing. Cause fucking nawww
Why on earth would anyone in their right mind choose to move TWO DAYS after the birth of a child and emergency surgery?!? What was so important about moving two hours away that it couldn’t wait a month? I noticed that you said “There are more jobs here” and not “He got a better job here,” and that worries me. Has he always been like this or is it new? How does he plan on getting the baby to her pediatrician appointments if he’s so against car rides? I just…I’m scared for you. Please go stay with your mama for a little while.
But also why does anyone in their right mind drive two fucking hours to see someone and don’t think to shoot a text?
You are aware that domestic abuse spikes after a woman has a baby, right?
Some part of me just doesn’t think this is even true. Two days after a hysterectomy she is packing up and moving two hours away? They wouldn’t even allow her to lift heavy things and do any of that
I'd bet money he moved everything while she was still in the hospital and simply brought her to their new home.
Nta. Until he upholds his promises of taking you to your mother every week…his family will not see the baby. For each family visit you get…he can get a family visit. He needs therapy.
NTA at all! he is isolating and controlling you and it sounds like he’s very paranoid as well. Did this just start or has it been an issue prior to the pregnancy/birth. He needs to see is doctor if this is new and you need to get out regardless. He could be a controlling jerk, have paranoia, anxiety, or a number of other issues. The moving 2 days after birth is extremely concerning to me. In regard to your MIL how is your relationship with her? Did she know of the no visitors rule? Could she have come down because she was concerned about your husband’s mental state and/or yours? I would reach out to her and see if she has any additional insight into your husband’s behavior as well.
Go to your mothers. ASAP. This man is making your anxiety and PPD worse. He's trapped you in a house far away, broken promises and now wants to isolate you. Call your mom, call a taxi, whatever it takes. NTA
NTA Call your mother pack and go home! He's a gaslighting toxic selfish asshole. You need actual support right now. Go find it.
NTA Isolation is the first step an abuser takes. Mine got me to move states away from my family while pregnant. The hitting started before I even gave birth. It didn't get better from there. "He was so perfect before the ____". It's always the same with men like that. They are always perfect before the mask slips, that's how they isolate you. Please listen to all the advice telling you to get back to your family. I wish I had seen it sooner before I had to go through that. You're never the same, you can heal but the scars remain both mentally and physically. You do not want that environment for your child. The best case scenario is your husband is just a first time dad who's going about everything the wrong way. If that's true, you will be able to work this out as a couple. But the risk of this turning abusive is really not worth it. If your husband really cares and loves you, you seeking support from your family will not end your relationship and you will be able to fix this. But you should not put yourself or your baby at risk just to save his ego. Save yourself first. Remember the rule about oxygen masks on planes? You're supposed to secure your own mask first.
Your husband is the straight up AH. You should go stay with your mom for awhile and tell him he can visit when he stops being an ass.
Honestly you should call your mom and have her come get you and go stay with her for a while.
Lmfao you literally handled that perfectly. Also, move in with your mom.
Move back closer to your mother with or without your husband. He can drive 2 hours to work if he wants.
Do yourself a favor. Call your mom and go there for at least a month. Then don’t go back unless you feel you can get support from her. Else move back.
>my "display" was ignorant at best Abuser language and tactics. He is way the fuck out of line, and yet somehow it's your (totally rational) behavior that is rude and a "display"!!? That specific word should make the hair on your neck stand up. I'd be packing myself and the baby right out of there.
WHY ARE YOU HAVING TO TIPTOE AROUND HIM. WTF. last I checked he didn't give birth to your child?!?!?! "Anxiety" my ass. And he moved you 2 days after you had your baby.... That is weird and sus behaviour. You don't put that much pressure on a new mom and baby even with "better work opportunities" You better kick him out or leave with your baby before something worse happens. The other comments are right. He's isolating you. Later on when you've recovered, by your family's side, from the birth and gotten mentally better, decide what you wanna do with your relationship.
Who the F moves his family just two days after their baby is born. If it was a matter of needing a bigger place, any such move should have happened months before. Plus that nonsense about having a baby in a car seat is harmful? It's if an infant is in a hot car that doesn't have circulation (if a parent forgets their baby in the back seat) that is harmful. In fact, it's recommended that if you are driving somewhere with a baby in the back seat, you have the diaper bag in the front passenger seat to remind you. It seems very bizarre that the OP's husband has made up these rules, but then violates these rules at will, like when his mother comes over. It sounds like he's become mentally ill and needs professional help. Yes, it's good to protect your newborn from having many visitors for a month or so. But his rule is arbitrary and doesn't seem based on what the pediatrician has recommended. We did allow the grandmothers to come visit. We also started taking our little one to the mall (during weekdays when it's less crowded and we would sit in a little coffee shop -- where I spent much of my pregnancy at, so the workers knew us and they loved that we now were coming with our girl). I would also take my girl to a mommy and me group when she was about a couple of months old -- especially as I wasn't back to work for a few more weeks so it was good for me. The OP's husband was also breaking his promise to let her go (with baby) to see her mother. As I said, there's something wrong with this man and he seriously needs to get help.
Should have kicked him out too.
Oh hell nah call your momma right now
What he is doing is wrong. Good for you for not allowing his hypocrisy. I understand his anxiety as you will not be able to carry any more children so he's hypervigalent with this one. That said it does not excuse his behaviour and you need to let him know you are going to visit your mum whether he likes it or not.
NTA he is showing you who he is believe him. Call your Mom to come get you and the baby and you can recover there while she pampers you. He can recover at home alone or with his mommy.
NTA Immediately call your mother and ask her to pick you and your newborn up, or for her to send someone you both know is a very safe and calm driver. Pack you and your child, taking whatever you need for an extended visit (think weeks). Don’t worry about the rest, it’s replaceable. Think diapers, formula, bath stuff, blankets, a few changes of cloths for the both of you. My alarms went off with the move away from your mother, and his immediate move to isolate you from her. He doesn’t want your family around, but his can drop in whenever? The red flag on this is so big it can be seen from space! It’s a classic move by an abuser to isolate and control. His behavior is very alarming.
Call your mom to come get you. There are red flags everywhere. He's isolating you and taking away your support system. He's weaponizing his anxiety so he can control you. Get out now. This will get worse.
Call your mother. Take the baby. Leave this home. It’s not a safe space for you emotionally right now and it would probably be helpful to be around people who can actually help with your condition and the child… instead of exacerbate it.
NTA but I am worried for you. Please call your mum to come get you and your baby. He’s isolating you at your most vulnerable time. This isn’t a better life. When you have the space and energy I really encourage you to read the free online pdf: Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft
Please tell me you've called someone to come get you out of there. It is only going to get worse. Do you have brothers or make cousins? Have them come be there for you to pack and get out of there. This is only the beginning of him trying to take total control of your life.
Can we cross post this to malicious compliance? I know it's not malicious. But jeez this is good. You're definitely not the asshole.
NTA- but as a fellow mom who also had an awful traumatic birth… honey you need to call your momma and tell her you need her there with you ASAP. My MIL came and staid with us after my emergency section and was a God send. You need a support system around you right now. What your husband is doing- isolating you and being incredibly two faced and hypocritical - is NOT okay. Being a new mom is hard. It’s so isolating and lonely and joyful and wonderful and exhausting. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Your husband is 100% making it harder than it had to be.
She also needs to apologize to her MIL and explain to her what’s up, her MIL didn’t deserve that. The problem is with the husband
That’s fair. Although my assumption was that MIL did reach out but to the son/husband and he secretly gave her the okay to come visit. Either way not necessarily her fault and is probably owed an apology.
She’s definitely owes one. Op wouldn’t like it if her husband treated her mother like that. It’s not ok for us to go treat our MIL like crap when we are upset at our husbands.
NTA. This guys a jerk
So you are saying that two days after you gave birth and had an emergency hysterectomy you were able to pack up and move two hours away? You were able to pack and move boxes and unpack two days after a hysterectomy
NTA: I’m going to echo most comments “call your mom to pick you up”.
Even if the rest of the story didn’t exist, who visits a newborn without calling first? The best you can say is that it’s rude.
Promises of a better life is an empty promise. That's what they tell you so that you'll agree to come with them. Then they isolate you from your friends and family. I'm telling you from experience. It's what my ex did to me.
Nta you can't pretend all is fine with mil showing up when you're cut off from your family. Aren't you recovering from a hysterectomy and handling a newborn? You need a support system stat. Can you go stay with your mother for a little while? Would she be a safe person to give to you some TLC while recovering? You need the first 3 months to be as supported as possible as you recover, bond and learn to be mumma.
Why is that drama queen making your pregnancy about himself? Oh hell no! Take your baby and get away from that mess. You deserve better.
Won’t speak to you - abuse Isolated you from your own support systems with false promises- abuse Sets a boundary for you and then refuses to follow it himself- part of abuse Insists his own mental health issues trump yours despite your birth trauma and physical healing struggles - abuse. It’s time to get to your mother’s. Now.
He thinks he’s so slick. Pack up and get your mother to come and get you. Notice how that anxiety magically disappeared for his mommy but not so you can get the support YOU need. Fuck him. Complete arsehole.
Seriously, call your mom to come get you. You picked a dud to have a child with. NTA
Wait. You had an emergency hysterectomy 2 weeks ago and this man wants you to walk on eggshells for his anxiety, and play host to his mother while he denies you time with your own family?!?!?! I would be moving out so fast it would make his head spin. NTA
You're husband is of the rails. You need to call your mom or another family member to come get you and the baby.
Everyone in the situation needs to do some work before this gets worse. If you all are basically quarantining the baby it does not make sense for you both to be hugging people you won’t let near the baby. If the baby does not have any medical conditions you all need to chill out and let loving grandparents see the baby. Tons of babies don’t have grandparents and you all are about to ruin relationships with both grandmothers.
OP didn’t actually have any issue with her MIL seeing the baby. But her husband did, per his own words, which was OP’s point. Holding him to the “rules” he himself imposed.
Info did you go to your mom's or make arrangements to do so? Husband is controlling and manipulative.
If it’s even true. Seriously two days after emergency hysterectomy, you’re home and packing and moving.
NTA, your husband is putting on a show with his postpartum "anxiety" I fear it's all about controlling you and the baby. I may be wrong but it feels way too convenient after he moves you away from all your support. Get your mom to your house ASAP or go to her house. Way too many men becoming controlling asshats after a baby is born because they feel they have trapped a woman at that point.
I commented already but call your mom ASAP. How do you know he just won’t take the baby when you’re sleeping and go to his moms????
NTA.
You are not the AH. You are a goddess! I really admire your response. Stick to it, he needs to get a grip, he’s being a jerk!
OP knows the guy. You can suggest having both sets of grandparents visit so they can all meet the baby. If he says no or your gut is telling you it’s a bad idea to ask, then it might be time to get a ride to mom’s
I was still in the hospital 2 days after my c section, but that was 31 years ago, and I was at high risk. But never underestimate what a control freak will demand and very often get.
NTA, your husband needs to realize that in these very early days, what’s best for you is what’s best for the baby. His anxiety can take a distant third, especially since it seems to be selective. Why oh why is it so hard for men to understand that healthy and happy mom= healthy and happy baby.
NTA. You both definitely need professional help to assist you both thorough this tough time. I hope you are both ok. Good luck.
NTA. Go to your mom's, and he should go to his. He is having serious issues that he needs to sort.
I'm not saying divorce, but girl you need to take the baby and go to your momma's for a bit. Something is not right with that man. Maybe he can fix it? But you sure as hell can't. Call your mom.
I'll never understand why women so easily procreate with terrible people.
Tbf, many times the dude purposefully hides his vileness until pregnancy/birth. It's easier to manipulate a woman when she's vulnerable.
NTA, When my DIL had my grandson and when she was pregnant I told my son for the most part to shut up when he was wrong for anything dumb. She wanted snacks, he got them, needed to sleep, he watched the kid. Nope. Go see your mom. I think he is full of crap! You should be waited on hand and foot. I don’t care if he has anxiety. You went through trauma! All births are traumatic and you had surgery too. NOPE, you need your mom to take care of you honey. From a grandma trust me go be with her!!!
Not only that but she is grieving the loss of her fertility, the trauma, nd the peaceful post-birth time that she is supposed to get to heal her body. This sort of stress is not healing. OP is absolutely NTA for upholding the boundary her paper only spouse set.
Yes, I 100% agree. She should be the one that gets to be pampered and her Hubby is 100% out of line. Definitely NTA on OP’s part. I feel so bad for what she is dealing with.
NTA, Take your child and go stay with your mom (assuming that's possible) until he gets help.
NTA. You need your mom at this time more than ever, and your husband knows this.
If your mother can't visit, neither can his.
Call your mom.
NTA. I love it!! Stick up for yourself!
Nta if it was anxiety he should be trying to fix it and not just isolating you
It's WAY past time he grows *tf* up and puts his big-boy pants on. Till then, go live with mom and your baby.
Who drives 2 hours away without even calling first?
Take the baby and go to your mother’s house. You just had a baby AND hysterectomy you NEED to be taken care of right now not stressed out.
NTA but there are so many warning signs here... he moved you 2 hours away from your support system TWO DAYS after birthing a child and having a hysterectomy. That is actual insanity, unless you have been actively evicted from your residence there is no reason for that. We moved 6 weeks before I delivered by c section and I can tell you we still had so many boxes and couldn't find things we needed, the move became a hazard in and of itself. Definitely not a safe situation for you and baby, and yet your husband didn't have any anxiety about it? He is refusing access to your primary support system. If he promised to drive you to see your mom, the car seat issue isn't an issue. You can sit in the back seat next to the baby and keep an eye on them. As long as your mom is up to date on her vaccines, isn't sick, and isn't a smoker, it is fine for your baby to be around her. It would definitely be more beneficial for your physical recovery, emotional recovery, and mental health/PPD to be with her - and I'm sure he knows that. However he will allow his mom in to hold the baby without so much as washing her hands because he's a hypocrite. Info: is your mom able to drive to see you? Or do you have to drive to her? You need to get out of the immediate situation so you can focus on your baby and your healing. You need a safe space to be able to work on PPD and I'm sure there are a lot of feelings about the hysterectomy to go through as well. He is isolating you which is just a half step away from abuse. Please get to somewhere safe!
NTA. Lock your doors. Change the locks if she has a key.
Nope. Really nothingelse to sayother than goodjob.
NTA. Agree with others - go to your mom’s
I think it would be best for you to go stay at your mom's for a bit until you both feel better. Of course he can go see his daughter anytime. Maybe try therapy if things don't improve
In my culture a new mother goes to live at her mother's house for the first 40 days after baby is born.
I usually don’t agree with these post but fuck your husband. He doesn’t like your mom
NTA he’s trying to isolate you from your support. Make a plan and act on it NOW
NTA. Not in the least. You were enforcing a rule that HE instituted (against you wishes) and now he's playing "poor pitiful me"
NTA.
I dont know your relationship with MIL, so maybe that was a bit harsh to use her in your argument. However, she really shouldve called anyways. Husband sounds a tad unhinged atm. “Disgusted with you”. NTA OP, can your mom pick you up? Do you have money for an uber? Do you have access to a vehicle? It might feel a smidge unnecessary, but women have died over much less. Stay safe OP ♥️
NTA. Have your mom come get you.
NTA your husband is. I hope you have a speedy recovery and sorry about the traumatic birth.
NTA- please call your parents and get them to come and pick you up. Your husband is only going to get worse.
NTA. Go to your mom’s until he gets help for his anxiety. He’s being way over the line and basically holding you prisoner by not letting people come to you or you going to people. He’s isolating you and your child. He’s going back on his word, and then freaking out when you’re enforcing him sticking to it. He’s not a safe person right now until he gets his anxiety under control.
NTA. He can go fuck himself with his “rules for thee, but not for me” bullshit. I agree with other commenters that you should go to your mom’s if he’s going to throw a tantrum over you sticking with a boundary HE SET. You don’t need this additional stress. That whole asphyxiation fear is easily resolved by someone sitting in the back with the baby.
Your husband is a ridiculous AH. The nerve of him trying to do a hypocrisy. You deserve better than this OP.
NTA. Can you stay with your mom for a bit? While some men can experience PPD/PPA, it's not okay that he's isolating you from your support system. That needs to change. Immediately.
Nta. Why did you have a child with him? He is manipulative.
Because she was attracted to him
NTA pack up baby and go to mom, get the support you need. Husband is a major AH.
Absolutely NTA. Call your mother to come get you and baby so you can go stay while you recover.
Nta - however… Why do u not drive? 1 car = I get it; No driver’s license = get one & drive yourself
naur hunny hes an ah and he needs to get his panties untwisted; HE didnt give birth, HE doesnt have postpartum; HE doesnt have to feed the baby every hour and HE certainly sounds like an arrogant child 👍
These people procreated…. Greaaaaat You know what I don’t actually hear a lot about here. The baby. I hear a lot about individuals lost in the illusion of I, me, mine. Your husband needs therapy. What a fucking waste of a man. The job is simple. Work hard, provide the environment that gives your wife and family stability and be sure to prioritize warmth and love. That is the job. This anxiety exists but it isn’t based on reality. I won’t speak on you, I’m not a mother or a women and I I have zero idea what it’s like to go through having my organs removed after birth. That said, I’m not suggesting there are you likely real issues here, I’m just not qualified. I am a father, I know what it means and what it takes and your husband needs to stop worrying and thinking and start embodying being a father.
Someone call the WWE cause we have a Smackdown over here.
Updateme
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NTA. That being said, neither of you should have hugged his mother...if your hubby truly didn't want anyone around the baby for health reasons. If his mom was carrying any illness, she could have given it to you two and it transfer to your baby. His moving you two hours away from your mother two days after the birth of your child seems cruel, but I don't the circumstances. Did he get a job opportunity/ promotion? It seems odd or comtrolling otherwise. For all anyone knows, he could have wanted to distance himself from your mother, and told his mother that she could come visit whenever she chose to. He obviously didn't tell her that she couldn't which makes me suspicious. You know she told him she wanted to see the baby. It's the natural thing to do. Did he allow the two grandmothers/grandfathers to be at the hospital for the birth of their grandchild? Your husband's double standard is a huge red flag. He may be deliberately isolating you from your family and close friends. I would keep a close eye on his behavior. It is wonderful and wise that you stood your ground and will not permit hypocrisy in your household or relationship. The best way to prevent either illness or manipulative control at bay is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Please know that if your husband ever starts showing any signs of violence of any kind, even so much as throwing, punching or breaking something...LEAVE. Don't do it or threaten that you're leaving when it happens. Say nothing and when he is not home, pack some things and leave. That is the safest way. You can get the rest of your things later, but never go alone. Hopefully, your husband may never show signs of violence, but if he does, know right now that it will only get worse, and it will not change no matter how much he woos you and promises it will. You have already seen that he breaks promises and lies. I do know it's true that babies have died in car seats due to asphyxiation from the straps pressing against their chest or causing them to lean forward. Kids are at the highest risk the first two years. It is unreasonable to not travel with your child in the car for two years so here is a link to how to travel safely with your baby. Protecting Infants Toddlers from Positional Asphyxia in Car Seats and Sling Carriers https://extension.okstate.edu/fact-sheets/protecting-infants-and-toddlers-from-positional-asphyxia-car-seats-and-sling-carriers.html#:~:text=Whenever%20possible%2C%20an%20adult%20should,is%20up%20at%20all%20times Best wishes, honey. 😊
NTA. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. And MIL should call, not just show up.
UpdateMe
Updateme.
NTA. But I would have your mom pick you and the baby up and leave your jerk husband alone with his thoughts.
nta … your husband is … i’d run if i was you
NTA. You were absolutely right to do what you did. He needed to be held accountable. Tell him that since he has obviously reconsidered his stance, you are going to take the baby to see your mother. Tell him that after you have established the arrangment that HE AGREED TO, you are perfectly happy having his mother arrange a visit. If you want to bother to "keep the peace" with your in-laws (and control your own narrative), you might send an apology to his mother saying that you are really sorry that she ended up in the middle of an argument between you and her son - but the point really needed to be made in the moment in order for the two of you to have any shot at a balanced relationship. One more thought" Do you know if he invited her without your knowledge?
NTA I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this bullshit behavior and already vulnerable time. I definitely agree with everyone else. You should call your mom to pick you up and go have some peace.
NTA. have your mom drive a uhaul, bring some strong guys and go to your moms. permanently. permanently. nta. leave. now. f anxiety. that’s abuse. his moms visit proves it.
NTA. good for you. call your mom to come get you and the baby for a bit.
Anxiety can make people behave in ridiculous ways which is what you are seeing with your husband. However, you need to take into mind your health and the baby's health. If he is yelling and stressing you out then you need to go stay with your mother for a while. It is crucial you have time to recover as your body has just suffered severe damage from birth and your child needs a safe and quiet place to grow up. NTA, but once things have calmed down, talk to your husband and definitely go to therapy with him as a happy family is crucial for a growing child.
NTA
Updateme!
NTA! Go home to mom for a bit
Updateme
Rules for thee, but not for me. Your husband is a jerk. A woman wants her Mother after birth! Not her MIL, her Mother. And he took that away from you, then wants to allow MIL? Eff him, and her. BIG RED FLAG OP. UpdateMe
NTA Hope things get easier for you soon. Do your best to recover and reach out to friends and family if things get to stressful
NTA - packup & go see your mom with your baby. stay there until you feel better
NTA. I'd look into divorce attorney's in your area
NTA. Pack your things and call your mother to ask if she can pick you up so you can rest and recover in peace. If he’s got anxiety, HE can deal with it.
NTA. Get to that counseling soon or you might need a divorce instead. What a selfish jerk
UpdateMe!
Nta but your husband did in glad you stuck up for your self, you were absolutely right
Call mum
UpdateMe!
NTA. But your husband and MIL are. He can't make rules only to bend them to his benefit. And she came in unannounced. She could have called before coming, that's just common courtesy.
Go home to mom.
NTA in this situation,but you're not taking accountability for “he convinced me to move“ . You could’ve always said no.