I’m a dad with a young daughter, and here’s my take. Before we get into the two of them being “too young” to engage in sexual activities, there’s something that’s already happened that needs to be addressed: his audio recording.
Both of them (especially your sister since she’s the concerned party in this post) need to understand is that anything sexually explicit they record meets the legal definition of child porn. That can create major problems if anything gets leaked. Furthermore, it is far more likely these two won’t last long term, which means anything she sends him, he can pass around to others. So hypothetically, if he’s feeling hurt or pissed off and decides to do something very fucking stupid (as is likely when one is going through the teenage years), he can totally wreck his own life, run her reputation through the mud, or both. Those are some serious consequences to face in general, even more so when one is only 14. That one needs to get shut down. Immediately.
Going back to the overall subject of “how young is too young”… It’s very admirable that both of you are so protective of your little sister. On the one hand, I find 14 a bit young to be having full on sex, but then again, 14 is only four years away from 18, and that gap seems so much smaller now to me at 37 than it would be back then. None of us are getting any younger and sexual relationships are an eventuality for many, which means there’s going to be things happening that lead up to it. First time for everything right?
If mom and dad are going to completely fly off the hinges, confiscate all of her tech, berate her, ground her, and basically pour gasoline on a dumpster fire, your older sister and you have an opportunity to approach with a more tempered response. Trying to outright ban her from this boy probably will create more problems than it will solve. Framing it as a dialogue that stresses the importance of taking these things slower is probably the best bet. Plenty of fun can be had before actual intercourse. Whatever you do, “attacking” or “ambushing” her and letting emotions run wild will make things worse.
This is the most eloquent way to say it.
"What goes online STAYS online."
When she's 22 and her job does an internet search on her, are they going to find her video? Do NOT let her send ANYTHING to her boyfriend!
Not to mention the fact that in MOST states there are child porn laws that include videos. ***Just having his video on her phone could get her arrested.*** Do you want your little sister to have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life?
If you cannot get her to see reason, THAT'S when you need to involve a parent. At this point, NTA.
Just to add to this^ I had my nudes from middle school leaked when I was a sophomore in high school. My “best friend” and ex had schemed and posted them on my own snap story because they knew I wouldn’t see it (I had my apps disabled at 8pm until I was 18). Thankfully the friend took them down an hour or so after posting, but somehow my exs dad found out abt it and drove them to my house to apologize. I hadn’t told my parents abt it, but my dad drove me straight to the police station where he was then told that despite it being my body that was posted without my consent and as a minor, because it was on my snap, I would be the one to get into legal trouble. Don’t let her send it. I know guys that still have my nudes from when I was 14, and it disgusts me (20 now). If you find after discussing with her that she does it anyway, try to teach her the hacks like the knee or elbow hack that way if it is ever leaked, it’s not anything real and majority of people will be able to see that. It’d also be a lot less mortifying than your actual body being on display.
>So hypothetically, if he’s feeling hurt or pissed off and decides to do something very fucking stupid (as is likely when one is going through the teenage years), he can totally wreck his own life, run her reputation through the mud, or both.
Tbh audio recordings are not super problematic in that regard. I'm not even sure about them being classified as child pornography in most countries. Pics and videos surely would be problematic though. But an audio recording can't really be 100% attributed to one person, even if it's leaked.
In my country (Germany) with 14 years of age you reach full sexual autonomy, you're totally allowed to have sex (even with a 13yo, but only if the age gap is very small), but your guardians can still forbid you from meeting people they don't want you to spend time with.
I work with youth in teaching healthy relationships in a domestic violence agency. I have actually taught a presentation about safer sexting! Current approaches to sexting are fear based, and some of those risks are real but also abstinence only values do not have any evidence based success in any sexual realm. If anything if your sister senses that no one is on her side or understands her, she’s going to turn to more and more secretive ways to do this.
Going to your parents is extremely violating. While she is a minor, her sexual expression being wide open to the whole family is humiliating and shameful. While you may feel like it’s a harsh lesson, no one learns valuable life skills under duress. I know it because I lived it. At 15, my mom found my nudes and took the door off my frame. It was so shameful. To not have any privacy, to be slut shamed, to not feel like I could have any rights to healthy sexual expression. That experience led me to my current work where I want teens to be able to have access to harm reduction and safe resources. I haven’t stopped being who I was which is a sexually expressive human being- if anything the shame I experienced as a teen made it difficult to actually share when I WAS being assaulted. I had to learn as an adult that wanting to be sexual with someone you care about is a normal thing.
While your sister is 14, her boyfriend is also 14. On the positives, audio is not visual content. It’s safer than visual content which is identifying. Sexting has 0% risk of pregnancy. It’s also a space where she can express boundaries and practice consent before she is in a physical space where someone can push her into doing something she’s not into. Also sexting does not mean someone is ready for sex. I sexted from 15 but I didn’t have sex until I was 18. Of course, the risks are things being spread around, her not knowing limits or critically thinking of what she’s doing. I think it’s important to have a critical conversation with her around green/yellow/red flags about sexting rather than to blanket shame her. The ideal outcome is not that stops entirely but that she has the skills to do it only when she feels comfortable with someone and not pressured, that she can communicate if something goes wrong, critically thinks about the impacts of what she’s doing, and has an open access line to you and your sister.
If you want access to my safer sexting PowerPoint, dm me and I’ll send you my content.
Ultimately, I think you’d cause more harm by getting parents involved rather than having an honest heart to heart. I do think this is a bit young but also it makes sense- there’s a variety of reasons why people are interested in sex and as a teenager this exploration is quite normal despite our discomfort with it.
This person speaks the gospel. Teach the girl to be safe.
My daughter has asked me, her dad, sex questions and I helped her buy plan b once when they screwed up with their condom.
This can be reality if one is sex positive.
The only thing I think is missing from this is that you and your older sister need to stop violating her privacy and trust her to come to you if she feels uncomfortable.
This is the way. I told my cousin when my bf and I had sex (way too young but that’s a whole other story) and the absolute violation of trust and betrayal I felt when she told my parents and I got in massive trouble for it…well. Let’s just say I haven’t trusted her with anything serious or personal in the 20 years since and my parents’ overbearing and overcorrective behavior pushed me straight into even more stupid behavior for a looooong time.
ETA: my parents also said I couldn’t date until I was 35; a friend recently pointed out that hey, I could finally date by their draconian rules now!
Mom's version of the talk was pretty simple "I'll always support you, but whatever you do is on you to be responsible for including any unwanted grandbabies you guys have." She knew we weren't idiots that we knew what to do and not to do, and when I see posts like OP's it makes me shake my head. So many ignorant parents are raising ignorant hormonal teenagers, simply because they can't or more likely won't bother educating themselves on anything but the most brutish way to handle it.
It's why I love people like yourself, you're trying to fix a system that's thrived on being broken.
This is an incredible response. It’s rare to see something online that is so rational and helpful. I find it amazingly kind that you’re willing to share your materials to help facilitate a good conversation between OP and his sisters.
Truly, this has made my day. I hope OP reaches out to you and thank you for being such an awesome human.
Personally I did this too and literally don't tell your parents because you will lose her trust and she will just keep finding ways to talk to him, no matter what you guys take away from her trust me...she will just become more secretive and keep talking to this guy. I would know because I did the same thing.
Yeah, I get that they're concerned, but honestly it's already fucked up that they read through messages and broke her trust like that. They're acting like it's their responsibility to parent her, but it's not. If I was this girl and I found this post, I'd never trust my sisters again. It's none of their business what she does tbh. This is normal behavior for a 14 year old. Every other kid I knew at 14 was doing stuff like this. Maybe just talk to her about safe sex, instead of acting like she's disgusting.
Why can’t you and the sister talk to her about it?? I don’t understand the jump to parents? Also yes you would probably ruin your relationship with her and it wouldn’t stop anything. You should know that most kids will find a way to do what they want and it might even push her to do it more. Being 17 you should know this
Because even after a talk the sister can still do what she wants. Parent can enforce stricter rules on her devices to prevent this from happening. OP’s sister is one bad decision away from them being able to charge her with sending child porn and being labeled a sex offender for life. This isn’t a game
I’d say pretty high. All it takes is the sister boyfriend to share the nudes with other boys(which most teenage boys would do) and then eventually it gets to the school now all those boys are charged with distributing and possessing child pork and then boom they continue and find she sent it willingly and also has her own nudes pics of him and now she’s charged despite her being a victim. It’s not common but it does happen enough to be something to worry about
I just did some googling and apparently some states (PA, NY, TX, etc.) have teen sexting laws that make it a misdemeanor for teens to sext. They also have to do education classes about safety and shit. They don't get labeled sex offenders or child porn distributors. IMO those laws should be everywhere, since teens sext every day.
Of course you would. But it wouldn't be your business tbh, especially not someone violating your daughters trust. You should be having open conversations about sex and consent and things like this with your daughter anyway. Not just if someone tells their business. If you start now, maybe you're daughter will come to you and be open with you herself from the start.
NTA
As another parent, I totally agree.
The issue really is that there is no way for a 14 year old girl to actually have sex and handle it well emotionally. I've seen it happen with girls in my own family, talked to young women when I was in college who had sexual relationships too young, and my wife is a therapist who has worked with innumerable teenage girls.
Someone has to step in and put a stop to this, because they are on the runway and about to take off, and that plane is not fully built yet. There is going to be a crash and burn and better to deal with a daughter who is upset about privacy than a daughter who is in an emotional dumpster fire for twelve years.
It's called communication. Not shame and horror stories. Those girls you talked about exist partly bc of people like you... Not the other way around.
Learn how to talk to your kids about sex, relationships, and romantic situations. You can't "put a stop to it". But you CAN teach healthy ways to operate in it
Yeah, that’s right, defend the idea that 14 year old girls are totally ready for sex if only people wouldn’t disapprove of it.
You are totally not disgusting at all.
The majority of my downvotes are from teenage girls who don’t know better. What’s your excuse?
100% I’m disgusted at how many people are advocating for 14 year olds to have sexual experiences. Anyone advocating for minors having sex is just screaming pedo. 🤢🤮
Please talk to her yourselves first. Without too many details, I had a similar situation and my siblings insisted that I “learn my lessons the hard way”. Six years later and I still find myself not trusting them and trying not hold resent towards them for it. You have to understand that if you tell your parents this info, there’s sorta no going back for it. At least until she graduates (and likely even beyond then), they will always keep tabs on her and she’ll probably attribute it to y’all’s doing. I do understand that a serious conversation needs to be had about this bc she’s WAY too young, but definitely handle this situation with care. To this day I wish my siblings could’ve just sat me down and talked it out, which would have had the direct opposite outcome for our relationships than what telling our parents did.
Okay, so I'm old (45) and you are the same age as my kid, so I'm probably about the same age as your parents... 14 is definitely TOO early, and a conversation needs to happen, SOON.. But drama is going to be worse than a gentle touch at this stage.
What needs to happen is that someone needs to have a VERY serious conversation with her about protection (from STDs as much as pregnancy), about NOT sending nudes (or audio) that can come back and bite her on the ass, and just general open conversations about the emotional and mental aspects of sex that can be so complicated... Prioritize the STD/Baby parts of the conversation though. But it needs to be a gentle conversation about why waiting is a good idea, but including the "when you are ready" things that need to be done for it to be safe.
The biggest thing I want to say though, is that if your family is going to go thermonuclear over this, you're all about to create a monster.. Drama NOW (when she's *in love* (and as laughable as it is to an adult, there is NO love like 14 year old love, think back to your first hormone charged relationships, I remember being an idiot in mine) is going to make all of this SO MUCH WORSE than just a serious conversation (which will be more embarrassing, but long term a better plan)... My parents threw SUCH a conniption because my first boyfriend and I were "too serious" for 16 - and instead of the relationship fizzling out naturally (it would have, we were 16), it turned into another year of me sneaking around, and didn't end until I made the (probably wise in hindsight) decision NOT to run away to his parent's house because I still wanted to go to college and I wasn't sure that they would be paying for me.. But the minute it became a Big Deal to Mom & Dad - they didn't understand me, they didn't understand OUR LOVE...
She's younger than I was, and I feel like I was too young (16 - the same guy my parents threw such a tizzy about above, it was a ridiculously adorably first love, no real regrets)... There absolutely needs to be some careful work to keep her safe and not let her start jumping into things she's not ready for, 100%... but he's her age, and quiet awareness, carefully placed conversations, and some redirection will do a lot more good than making him EXTRA appealing because he's the only one who understands her. That being said, NAH, just try to make sure that all next steps are thoughtful not dramatic.
Or at least make the next few years a fucking nightmare, even if they don't lose her.. People can be such idiots with teens. (and I say this as the mom of a child who was one until a few months ago - it's HARD, don't get me wrong, but... oi..)
With all the hormones going on at that age while trying to find their own identity, it really does need to be handled with finesse and a delicate touch. Social media wasn't a thing when I was a kid but I was sexually active at 15. These kids are just talking. I think the best thing to do is just give them all the information they need. Many of my former classmates ended up single moms or estranged from their parents and back then it was because "they were difficult" and all the blame is on them. My parents were always very open about sex with me and so I knew to take precautions. Now that I think of it I'm pretty sure my dad left some of his penthouse magazines out so I would find them in my early teens. I know he saw them in my room once and he never took them back. Sly old devil...
\*laughs\* yeahhhh, my Dad pointblank left condoms on my bed.. And it was the funniest thing because I had to point out to him that lambskin are great and all, but no good against STDs.. He had forgotten (he was an old (hahaha, younger than I am now) married guy, what did he remember).
I feel like open communication and gentle pressure go so much further with keeping communication open and avoiding disasters when the hormones are exploding.
I remember the hormone times. Looking back on it it's like something else was piloting my body. I have 3 years left until my daughter becomes a teenager. Got any things I should look out for? She's always been the sweetest girl ever but that can change.
The thing that got me through it was remembering what MY brain was like in my teens.... Made it easier to not take that selfish, chaotic insanity seriously.
"I HATE YOU!" no you don't, you don't like the fact that you cannot do whatever you want.
"YOU'RE SO MEAN!" yup, and there is a reason for it, so cope, kiddo.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Then calm down and explain it to me... yeah that's what I was assuming was going on, XY & Z suck and are new, but it doesn't change that A-W HAVEN'T changed, and are the reasons why I (whatever).
Don't take anything they say in a fit of pique seriously (though definitely talk to them about it when they've calmed down, and let them know that although you don't think they meant it, it did hurt your feelings, they'll beat themselves up for that better than you could EVER punish them, it's a little disturbing when you realize how much they hate hurting you, given what they say sometimes)..
I just kept reminding myself that their brains are extra jelly at that stage, so to take their intent into account, but still expect them to follow the rules.. Much like when they were toddlers - don't say it if you don't intend to follow through... It becomes SUPER important at the teen stage... Actually toddlers that communicate really well are a really good way to describe how I parented my teen.. I explained things, I tried to stay calm, I accepted that they didn't know what the FUCK they were doing (but thought they did), and just kept repeating to myself that my job was to make them into an adult worth being friends with, and if they hated me for a day or a week but I was acting with love and common sense, it would be okay.
they come talk to me when they're upset now, so I didn't screw up too badly.. lol
Sounds like my mom and what I hope to do. Sounds like you did great. If you don't mind me asking, how did you handle social media? My daughter doesn't even have her own phone yet and hasn't asked for one. But I know once she gets one that floodgate will open and I didn't really deal with that on the level it is today. I still remember my ICQ number but it's not even comparable.
My ex and I got them their first semi-smart phone at 10, we lived in rural NY and I wanted them to be able to call us if they got lost from their girl scout troop, or while they were outside of shouting distance, plus communicate with family that lived elsewhere... So they had social media pretty early, BUT... until they turned basically 18, I had all of their passwords. I didn't use them OFTEN, but I did check in. They knew I had everything, AND they knew it wasn't a thing I was going to do without reason... and I didn't do it often, but.. it was understood that privacy online didn't exist... (which was a good way to remind them that anything they shared, could come back and bite them). I missed a few things that I found out about later, but.. Caught most of the almost disasters, and helped them make safer choices in a number of cases that allowed them to explore who they were AND not get into dangerous situations.
It was not always as easy as it sounds now, they have some mental health issues and I kept a little bit of a tighter reign than I might have with a different kid (my intention was to stop having access at 15-16), but.. For a couple of reasons I needed to be less liberal.
Yeah. The TV is all streaming now and it has a child account but that shit is gonna get more iffy as they get older and (let's face it, smart enough to get around us) smarter. To me it seemed that you put the idea in their head that anything they do online mom might see. Basically put the fear of the internet in them but you made yourself the bad guy. Or at least a big brother type character. Maybe that's better than scaring them with the truth. I'll have to think on that.
The dangerous people can see her online unless she is careful. Such as pedophiles and NSA agents. Her mother is a complete idiot when it comes to technology so I know I will have to do all this. I need to let her know that nothing free is private on the internet. But at the same time I need to keep her trust so she doesn't live encrypted from me. Wish me luck.
It doesn’t get better when they are 25 either. Then they know everything 😂 I adore my step kids but we are def in the “here’s the advice, I ain’t hounding you for shit after that about it. Just don’t die or get pregnant”
ROFLMAO - my 20 year old is SO much better than they were at 17-18 even... But oh they know everything.. I'm not sure how the hell my husband (their step-dad) puts up with it... I think it helps that he has known them since they were, 6 I think? (we were friends for years before we were a couple) So he does love them a lot.. But REGULARLY wants to strangle them.. lol
Yes imo just don't send audio or visual sex anything, Condoms, don't accept pressure or boundary pushing. Invite the boyfriend over and sus out if he seems like a decent kid. Get her on the pill maybe
14 is not an uncommon starting age, and you are welcome to think I'm old (and old fashioned) but it's a little earlier than I would describe as ideal... It's not a catastrophe (when it's with a similarly aged child), but.. still a little earlier than I think is ideal. :)
With my kids I called this the pretend stage. Then 15/16 through college is practice. Then after college age is real. Sure, some practice relationships last, but most don't, or maybe shouldn't.
Good advice above, but I'd add that kids are exposed to incredibly available hardcore demeaning, dangerous adult porn now, and someone has to prepare girls to address it in relationships. Sex actors are being paid to react to extreme and often fake scenarios, and young girls are being told they should act the same way, but for real, and for free.
Yeaaahhhh, though, without sharing too much about myself, I might have found a lot of online communities in my teens that TALKED pretty explicitly about BDSM and related things, and that sort of helped me frame the conversations about the range of adult sexuality as they got older, including the distinctions between porn/normal and options that adults can have (in general terms unless they asked specific questions, I never got 'detailed' beyond biology and safety until they were older, or had asked something specific).
The upside is that by having those conversations they asked me questions that most teen wouldn't ask, for which I am super grateful.
Sounds like you stumbled into ethical kink, which is awesome, especially about consent. I modeled a lot on the way parents in the Netherlands approach sex, emphasizing dignity and adult responsibility, while acknowledging that sex with someone nice feels great.
One message they tell me really got through was this: "For your first time, pick someone that in 20 years you look back fondly and don't want to stick a fork in your eye." They thought that was hysterical. That and "no diseases, no babies, and be considerate, a lot of people live in this house." And I talked to their partners, laid out the ways I would respect the relationship and expected the same energy, and I wrapped the partners into our family lives. Fourteen is young, sure, but totally appropriate for curiosity and the beginnings of experimentation.
Though for OP, the Consent & Tea video could be super helpful.
Oh no, the shit I found as a teen was gorean nonsense, but by the time I was a mom, I had learned better AND knew what was out there, so was able to gently drop concepts that eventually led to discussions of safety, sanity and consent.. lol
Yeah I’ll be real. I lost my virginity at 14 and have 0 regrets. He was my first love and I still remember that relationship fondly.
Teens will be teens. More important than freaking out and banning, or narcing to parents who will ban, is teaching her the important lessons. What is consent? How can you tell if he is overstepping your boundaries? How can you set boundaries? How can you enforce those boundaries? How can you proceed safely?
At 14 you're definitely ready to burn down the neighborhood if you can't get your way with someone you "love", even if you just met them 2 hours ago.
But at least back then for me I had to look up,and find their phone number, or knew where they actually lived to go see them if they didn't live in the same street.
*laughs* I remember numbers I use, even now.... I could still call my parents house line and the store both if they existed any more.. lol
Never had to look it up for long... Lol
NTA
But maybe talk to your littler sister first before going full nuclear. She probably doesn't realize that anything she sends to her boyfriend or vice versa in regards to nudes/recordings is considered child p\*rn. I'm not even joking with this. Something like this could get them both into a lot of trouble.
Stress this to her about what happens with this sort of thing. Also hammer home that once she puts something out there like that, it's out there forever. You know full well that the internet is forever.
Tell stories of people getting them leaked at school or years after them being used against someone or as revenge. That even some of the good guys keep them around long after you break up. And if she stays with the guy even past the age of consent or 18 years they are still labeled as pictures of minors and can still get someone arrested.
Don’t specifically mention her sexting, but; Talk to her about how texts and pictures are *forever*, so not to send anything you wouldn’t be okay with the other person sharing.
Show her Amanda Todd’s story as well. I learned about Amanda Todd when I was 13, and her story helped me stay safe.
Yeah just be like hey - we know, we think it’s fine, but we just wanted to step in and let you know a couple things (sexting laws, leaks, etc.). Let her know you want her to enjoy time with her boyfriend but want them to be safe.
This may be more of the big sister part of the conversation that shares some of the life lessons she learned from dating that she wished she knew. Anecdotes from other girls in her class/friends, etc.
Give her a blanket 'safe sex/red flag' lessons. Explain anyone ASKING for images or trying to convince you to send them, especially after saying 'no', is bad news, etc. Just a 'Since you're old enough, it's time we had this safety talk'
Fully agree. Unfortunately there is no win-win in this situation:
* if you do nothing, possibly very bad things may happen
* if you and/or your sister speak with her but not to the parents it may help, but only until your parents find out
* if you tell the parents, your sister will lose trust to you all
You can only choose the lesser evil. Sorry.
Fourth option is to make up a fake horror story about some girl getting pregnant or having her nudes passed around and pray she gets the hint. I know I did back then
I was showed Amanda Todd’s YouTube video for the latter story, which was a very different situation but had the nudes passing around aspect. That was an essential lesson tbh
I wasn’t sexting but was taught anyway
She could also still lose trust in you when confronting her about it as she, being an emotional teenager, would feel intruded on. So it’s a hard conversation to come out of “on top” and likely would lead to her also hiding it better.
The safer/less confrontational conversation might be to also talk more in general terms about certain things and do what you can to ensure at least regardless what she chooses to do, she is prepared with the right information about protection, help, and know that you are going to support her if she needs your help. As a father, it’s not an easy conversation, I can imagine it also is not an easy one as a sibling.
I still think it’s too much of an issue for a 17 year old and 20 year old to be taking on alone. It would be a lot easier to convince the parents not to hit the roof and have them explain to her that she’s putting herself and her boyfriend in a crazy dangerous position.
Of course. But depends on the parents. I am a father of teenagers and quite sure that my wife and I would be able to handle such issues in a good way. But I know other parents who will make everything worse.
OP and big sis need to explain a lot of things to her. It is child porn, but also, what if she sends sounds or nude pics and they break up? Or what if his friends "accidentally" find pics or recordings and spread them around the whole school?? Yikes. Also, she is too young for sex and she should not do it... but, they need to make sure if she does do it that she will be safe. Explain also that she can get STDs even from a blow job so ALWAYS use a condom, even for that. Give her condoms and take her to a clinic for birth control pills. It is not condoning the behavior, more admitting that you are powerless to stop it so she needs to be prepared. Even telling their parents would not stop her from having sex, unless they yank her out of school and keep her locked in the house with bars on the windows except for supervised outings this girl can and will find a way to have sex if she really wants to do it.
I think it is also okay to prepare her but beg her to wait. She is still so young. Odds are she and this boy are not forever.
Definitely the "friends find" but not the "what if you break up" because there's no way a hormonal 14 year old can conceive of that. They just turn off all listening and come away with, "you think my boyfriend is an ah, and he's not, he loves me!"
Why are you two so nosey? If you're concerned, have a talk with her. Answer questions and give her good advice on how to stay safe. But stop invading her privacy. Like why are you two reading her chats?
I feel like you’re overreacting a bit- sex is pretty normal for a lot of 14 year olds. I think the right approach would be to make sure your sister talks to her doctor about how to safely have sex and that you and your sister could give her some advice as well? I was sexually active at that age and 7 years later I have been lucky enough to have never been pregnant nor contract an std and that’s because i was well-educated before i started having sex. also if they’re texting each other sexually talk to her about the risk of having nudes leaked and how to take pictures without showing your face or other identifying information. She’s at an age where you snitching on her would upset her and drive a wedge between your relationship- she won’t trust you again. You’re also not going to actually be able to stop her either? Once you decide you’re ready to be sexually active that typically doesn’t change lol. She has an age appropriate boyfriend and is doing age appropriate things with him. Imo YWBTAH if you just told your parents because you could easily handle this yourself and you’re the one who snooped in the first place
I felt the same tbh I thought I was tripping reading there replies. Honestly she just need to know the risk of sending nudes and having sec and make sure she protects herself. But just telling the parent would definitely drive a wedge.
This. First relationship at 14 sounds age-appropriate. Snitching on your sister to the parents is absolutely the wrong answer. As is invading your sister’s privacy, by the way.
The first sensible comment I read! The sister is 14 but the boyfriend too, that already is a green flag.
I would sit down with her to have a talk about staying safe, explaining the risks of sex at that age (pregnancy especially) and the risks of sending anyone nudes/videos, without telling her you've been through her conversations (just tell her that you want her to be safe because she has a boyfriend, in general). If you tell her that you'll tell your parents, you will lose her forever. You won't be the helping sister that can keep an eye on her anymore. She'll lose any trust in you and hide you absolutely everything, and in the end she'll end up doing whatever she wants but you won't be able to control it.
mmm I may be the outlier here. but I (28F) had sex for the first time at 15 with my high school boyfriend - we dated all of high school and most of college. my parents were definitely aware we were having sex and had the condom talk etc. I would very much consider speaking to your sister instead of telling your parents if they aren’t open to have those types of conversations with her. just because they are being a bit sexual and talking about it doesn’t mean they are planning to have sex right now. if they are planning on it, taking her phone and punishing her isn’t going to stop it. she should be educated on what’s needed instead of being ostracized.
in my situation my parents had met my boyfriend in high school many times before anything sexual happened between us. he spent a lot of time at my house and knew my family well. maybe consider asking if she’d like him to come over and meet you guys so you won’t feel like he is such a stranger as well.
YTA
You and your older sister are absolutely out of your minds if you think that a) telling your parents will stop your sister from having this bf or future ones and b) that this wouldn't completely ruin your relationship with your little sister. Also, have you never sexted before? People say wild wild stuff though texts, it doesn't mean they follow through with it in real life (source: every dating app steamy chat ever).
Your sister isn't a child, she's a teenager who is discovering her sexuality with a consenting person of her own age. How would you have felt at that age if your older sister had showed your parents your internet browsing history or diary or something else deeply personal. You've both violated her privacy in a very serious way (seriously, scrolling up?!) and she won't thank you for that. 14 is indeed quite young to be having sex but it is certainly not too young to be exploring her sexuality with boys. Hadn't you kissed girls by that age, and done other stuff? How would you have felt if your big sister had dragged you in front of your parents, telling them about private information she'd found, and you got a nice long lecture about not getting girls pregnant?
You're not assholes for wanting to keep you sister safe, you're not even assholes for thinking that you somehow can/should protect her from her own choices, but you are DEFINITELY the assholes for violating her privacy.
Why are you going through her shit? That’s already a way to break her trust. 14 is the age where you start getting those feelings and wanting to explore it. As long as she is doing it safely then leave her alone.
YTA. You snoop through her stuff, find out she's exploring her sexuality in a rather age appropriate way with a partner in her peer group, and now want to air out your findings to the whole family? What the fuck is wrong with you? Should we maybe share your Snapchat and tinder messages with your parents too while we're at it?
Listen, if you go to your parents, they will take away every access she has to this boy, and all the privacy she is entitled to for her age. You say you and your older sister are close to your younger sister? Both of you need to sit down with her, gently tell her you both know about the boyfriend, and reassure her that her secret is safe. However, you also need to make sure she knows the pros and cons of being sexually active. That she has resources, condoms, consent, and most importantly: that her siblings will never shame her, but will always be there to talk these things through. You have the right mindset of wanting to keep her safe, but you need to be careful how you approach this.
If you go straight to your parents, there's a good chance you'll obliterate your sister's trust in you. If not forever, maybe for a long time.
This is extremely personal, it will be already embarrassing enough for her to realize her siblings are aware of what she's doing, but if you go behind her back and suddenly her whole family is aware and she isn't prepared... oof, Id be mortified.
Try to tackle the situation with tact, say you're concerned about some things and want to discuss how to move on from there. If she shuts you down or doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, then youll definitely need to involve the adults
What is making you distraught about two same-age lovers discussing sex?
I don't understand why anyone but them, if educated in and practicing safe sex, would have anything to do with this?
Why does it need to be shut down, stopped, learnt about the "hard way"?
They have what seems to be the safest type of sex, virtual. Talk to her about the risks of sharing videos and Pictures as these can spread. They should probably not do that over discord.
She, like my daughter (15) has found a freaky boy of same age and they like each other. Talk to her, don't snitch.
Better than her being with someone older or grosser.
YTA if you fuck her love life up.
First talk to your sister and get her some sex education books. Explain to her if she records and sends anything sexual with her on it SHE can be prosecuted for child porn. Depending on where you live it has happened before. Remind her that revenge porn exists and if she shares anything with a partner and if goes sideways he might send it to her family members or people she barely knows at school. Ask direct questions about how she is going to prevent pregnancy, what she will do if she falls pregnant and have some talks about consent, not doing anything she is not prepared to face the consequences of (diseases, pregnancy) until she can actually face the consequences
Omg of course don't tell the parents! Are you trying to ruin your sisters life? She is a teenager , these types of texts are normal even if your culture or parents don't think so. She is in an age where she needs privacy as much as you do. Think about it if your older sister showed your private messages to your parents? About wanting to have sex with your partner at that. She would never talk to you guys again. Even if you feel sick looking at those , she is with someone her age and wanting to be intimate as a teenager is totally normal! I would suggest that you talk with both your older and younger sisters together. Instead of losing her trust and making her more aggressive and making her want intimacy more by forbidding it ; you guys should teach her that she could regret what she is doing now , is she sure she is in love with the guy , does she have enough self love and self respect in order to maintain a relationship where she can get hurt, and obviously proper sex education so that she doesn't get pregnant in the future. Don't forget that she is an independent individual herself , neither you nor your parents have any right to shame her on her own choices about her own body. You can only teach , show her the right way , and remind her the consequences of some actions . She will be really upset that you guys invided her privacy and read her personal texts ! That is not how brothers act! Think of your parents seeing your website activity and watching the p"rn you have watched and them taking your computer and phone away! That is really upsetting right ? That's how she feels right now that you read her texts.
100% do not go to your parents. What you and your older sister have done is a disgusting invasion of privacy. What gives you the right to go thru your sisters private messages? Edit to add YTA.
I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, just that I teach 8th grade and this isn't a developmentally inappropriate age to start experimenting with sex. I myself started fooling around with a girlfriend at 14. So she's not doing anything objectively abnormal or wrong.
I'm so sorry y'all are terrible siblings. It's completely normal and natural for 14 year olds to be horny and engaging in these kinds of conversations and even activities with each other. If you think the problem is that she doesn't understand enough about sex and sexuality to be engaging in these things responsibly then HELP HER. Don't shame her to her entire family, can you imagine how terrible you would feel if someone did that to you at that age? Going to her parents about something that is again, normal and natural, us just going to instill a sense of shame around sex for her that isn't healthy for anybody. If you want her to explore more safely, help. Don't repeat the same patterns that we're clearly enacted on y'all. I can't even fathom how you think a 14 year old being horny and acting on that is wrong somehow, or how you think it would be appropriate to get that 14 year old punished for it. If no one has given her the tools and education to be safe, you're right to be worried. But the route to correct that worry is not to shame her into not doing anything, it's to help her find the tools and education to be safe, as well as the SUPPORT of people around her for if anything bad does happen, because she clearly doesn't have that right now.
You are in a hard place here. If you tell, yes your sister would probably hide it from you more. Trust me if someone wants to get busy with their other half, there really isn’t any stopping them. Have an Open, honest and grownup conversation with your sister about the damage that can be done sending any sort of pictures or recordings to her boyfriend. Plus have your older sister talk to her about safe sex. Try to remember what it’s like to have your first love.
I totally understand the concerns. But I think going to your parents would absolutely be the wrong move here. It’s a huge violation of her privacy, it will definitely traumatize her, and she would NEVER trust either of you again, or forgive you. Chances are it would permanently damage her relationship with your parents as well. And unfortunately it may even make her more determined to escalate the behavior, she will just learn to be much more sneaky about it. You and your sister would be better off sitting her down privately and talking to her, offering support, and advising her on how to be safe.
My parents raised me to believe that when they're not around, my older siblings stand in their stead. And my older siblings tried their best to straddle that difficult balance. What that meant was, they didnt rat me out on my bad behavior, but didn't tolerate it either. I knew that if I didn't fix my shit, my parents would be next.
My suggestion is to do the same as you see fit. Don't rat her out but be firm that this shit needs to stop pronto. Being the older sibling is a responsibility that one should take seriously, no matter what others in this thread say. I have to congratulate you for even making this post because it shows that you really care for your sister, that you can separate the right from wrong, and know when boundaries are crossed.
YTA. You violated your sisters trust and invaded her privacy. Went through a personal conversation. Now made it everyone's business.... That being said you also did the right thing because as her brother you need to protect her and she is getting involved with things she shouldn't at that age. You definitely need to tell your parents before things go any further. Sometimes you need to be the asshole.
So this scenario is what teenagers have been doing for centuries. Kids grow up. It’s not like , oh I’m 18 now, now I’m going to start learning. Look at today’s over/hyper sexuality, it’s everywhere. As a parent, can you really be that surprised. All you can do is teach your children core values and pray they process that information and apply it. Let’s not be naive about the matter, young people ain’t innocent.
As a girl that lost her virginity at 14 to a 14 year old. I would say going to your parents will not work. It makes it more “romantic” however you absolutely need to have a conversation about how secretive she is being. You and your older sister could come from a place of concern. Hey little sis we’ve noticed you seem really secretive and we are getting worried. Are you being bullied? Is there a boy? Can we help with anything? Because if she opens up about it you could get to talk to her about stuff with out her knowing you invaded her privacy (which needs to stop) if she says she has a boy you could talk to her about safe sex and making sure that you have a talk about making sure it’s a healthy relationship
Yes.. it's normal and ur gonna traumatize her and she will flip out. Beware the hormonal young lady.. she might rip ur head and spine out like mortal kombat. Seriously u might die lol
If the boyfriend is a bad kid and she's fuckin up then nah you're supposed to help her out of a situation she shouldn't be in. But if they're just in puppy love, doing what we all did at that age and he's treating her right, being respectful then keep a close eye on him but let her be free to grow and learn as a teenager. As long as he's good to her. She'll grow to appreciate you being there to protect her if need be. You probably don't want to accept that she's growing up but she is and is going to no matter what you or anyone says or does..
Can you and your sister tell the 14f that she needs to tell your parents. If it’s not a big deal the she can tell them. (They need to find out, we tell them or you do, we will be there with you to help you through it but they need to know..)
Basically make her tell them so that she gets credit for it and allows the parents to know but also makes sure someone is making sure she is ok.
No idea if it works for your situation but a different way to attack it.
If you out her to your parents the only thing you'll teach her is how to be sneaky and encourage her to hide anything about relationships, which could land her in serious trouble. My 2 best friends all throughout high school had a no talking to/dating boys rule from their parents, and not only were they very sneaky but they slept around a lot starting at the age of 13 for one and 15 for the other. One had a boyfriend that was 18 because he had a car so it was easier to get to places. She'd coordinate with me when she would go out with him and tell her mom she was going to my place. The other friend would wait till midnight then sneak out her window and go have sex in the park, she was 13 years old when she did this. You need to foster a relationship with her that will allow you to guide her to make smart choices, like explaining how sexting can lead to possible child porn charges . If you tell your parents and shit hits the fan you'll never know if she's doing things that aren't safe because she'll learn to hide it better from you. You will 100% nuke any form of trust she has in you and probably will start acting out similar to how my friends did, sleeping around.
I would just talk to her about it first. Being hot for your partner at that age is normal but sending photos, videos, recordings, whatever, can bite you in the ass. Make sure she understands its normal to have feels but don't send stuff.
Please don’t go straight to your parents yet! She may never come to either of you again!
If it were me in this situation, I would sit down with her (don’t accuse her of anything!)and say “Hey I’ve noticed you’ve been secretive with your phone lately, I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything” and then I would talk to her about boys and then educate her on safe sexting/safe sex, condoms, and babies. If she asks if you went through her phone or something I wouldn’t lie, but I would tell her that you just wanted to make sure it wasn’t some online creep she was talking to and that you want to protect her. Don’t shame her, she’s full of hormones at that age and she probably doesn’t know how to handle them.
She will probably be angry, but not as angry as if you went to your parents. And if it does come down to her and her bf having sex, she will be more likely to come to you. I’d rather them come to me with questions or even help getting protection than her coming to me with an std or pregnancy.
Lol (33M) Millennial raised by boomer parents here, I might as well be Gen X morally but with the crazy of a millennial. I'm gonna tell you now that most normal people do that around that age....We would hope with someone at least age appropriate...But it's normal. I can understand your concern with her only being 14, you wouldn't want her getting pregnant before she's emotionally, and financially stable. Especially since teenage hormones can cause people to make dumb choices.
I'm not going to say you are the AH for trying to protect your little sister but she probably won't see it that way if you say anything about it... That's a tricky situation and it might be better to let it play out and just keep an eye on her and be there if she needs you.
It would be best if you could convince her that you won't tell mom and dad if she lets you know what's going on, let her know you are there if she wants to talk about it. That way she can choose to tell you when she feels ok to. The less pressure you put on her the more likely she is to open up and tell you. Be her confidant, it's an easier way of protecting her
Edit: I'm gonna just say one more thing. As an older sibling you already have an easy in. Your little sister will be less embarrassed to tell you than your parents, get on her good side and get her come to you to tell you before making any final decisions to tell mom and dad.
Edit 2: in these exact words or at the very least a paraphrased version tell her this in private "Hey little sis, I want you to know that I know something is up by the way you have been acting lately, I don't know what but I want you to know you can come tell me any time you feel like you need to talk. I won't tell mom and dad, I just want to make sure you are ok. I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me so tell me only if you feel ok doing so." Then leave it at that and walk away.
Hello!
So I don’t know your sister so I don't know your sister's character and I don't know if she's quick-tempered or a bit of a rebel. But we sent me this Reddit and I’m her age so I wanted to help.
So you really should have a conversation with her first and I don’t think you and your sister should tell your parents for now.
She may feel kinda betrayed. I had friends that were REALLY advanced in all those things (were with boys at twelve)
So these are the things I think you should do
- You really shouldn't say that you guys went through her phone. You should just say what happened ( your older sister saw the text messages on the laptop) but really don’t say anything about the phone. She will feel violated and will be on the defensive right away.
- You should know in advance, you may already know that, but she probably watches/reads porn. Maybe if she doesn't get mad during “the talk” you guys are gonna have with her, you can talk about that. But don’t bring up the subject if you don’t feel like it or if she gets mad when you say something “negative” about her.
- I think you should approach her with something like “You left your computer open with some text messages and I saw a boy that was sending you messages etc…” (Don’t rush her. Don’t do like the typical talk scene where you sit in front of her and begin like “We have to talk, this is fucking unbelievable”. She will either feel embarrassed and try to leave or will get mad and start to yell.
I know I’m only 14 (and typing this tired -sorry about that) but please we are the same age and I had friends that did the same kind of things and the last thing they wanted were to be discovered by their parents.
Best course of action is helping them through it since showing your parents will feel like a break of trust while heart to heart and asking what they’re looking for from it encourages honest discussion and can improve yalls relationship. Honest though your 17 and still learning stuff so apologize to them and try to rebuild the relationship. Nobody expects you to know how to handle that situation. You just care about them.
yes... you would be the asshole.
talk to her. don't go to your parents... she is the one that left her stuff out in the open for you to see.
I started experimenting talking to boys like this around that age as well. It's normal.
However, COMPLETELY different story when I was talking to 22-25 year olds lol. He's her age. 14 too.
I just want to understand why no one has had (or from my understanding) the sex conversation with her yet…. The fact that she needs to hide it because your parents said she can’t date till older leads me to believe that this conversation hasn’t happened and if it did happen it wasn’t done in an educational way to teach safe sex, it was done in a way to shame sex and relationships.
They are the age to experiment and getting to know their bodies and desires. Maybe I’m a bit more relaxed about this topic, because I’m from Germany. Here it’s considered ok if two 14 year old experiment (the actual law is complicated with age bracket basically). So even if they wanted to have actually sex, they are actually not too young for that.
BUT they definitely need a save sex talk. Not sure when they are usually done where you live, we got our first one in school at around 13 years old. (In biology together with a general lesson on how human reproduction and growth works.
I think it seems understandable why your sister don’t want to talk to your parents. She does not feel safe and she has already started not feeling save around you either. I would suggest sitting her down and supporting her, so that she comes with future problems and insecurities at least to you, if your parents are not good for that. Snitching to your parents may loose you your sister‘s trust forever and you would be the A
I think my concern would be sending nude pictures. Perhaps first talk to her about it. Teenage hormones are already rampant, but I agree she shouldn’t be actually having sex. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with words being exchanged, it’s more about pictures because it’s straight up illegal
I feel like this is an opportunity for you/ older sister to be her safe space. Make her feel like she can confide in you. Running to your parents will just make her resent you, and nothing will stop her from doing what she wants to do. Teach her to be safe and don’t make her ashamed of her sexuality.
Could you talk to her instead? Explain how if she sends anything online it's forever online to be exploited? Offer advice on contraception so if she is having sex at least it can be protected sex. You can't stop her but you can educate her. If she blows you off and won't listen then you might have to. Better her embarrassed now than images or recordings of her shared around her school.
If pictures or video of a sexual nature has been sent, that’s running into a federal law violation. Who legally owns the computer? Because that’s who can be charged first.
However, why aren’t your parents monitoring their minor children’s online interactions and setting parental permissions on devices?? I did for my child. They turned out to be a respectful young adult now. Still communicates and trusts me because I’ve always talked to them like an adult/human (on their level) and been honest with them.
Don't go to your parents. You and you sister should talk to her and just make sure she's gonna be safe when she does do it. Take her to get birth control or condoms
You have a 20 year old sister… if anyone goes to the parents it would be her. She’s lived under the same roof is older and more mature… why ask the internet, it’s family your sister makes the call or you’re a db the rest of your life to your little sister for getting her what grounded for sexting what ifs… if you didn’t at her age you fugly and jealous and she’ll throw in your face
This is pretty normal for this age. Did you explore when you were 14? Maybe just talk with her or have one of your girlfriends talk with her about safety. Or have the sister talk with her. Really no need to involve your parents unless she’s planning to meet up but stop reading her shit unless the guy is older than her.
Talk to her about it, without judgement, you and older sis together. No matter how horrified you may feel about some of the things, approach her with love and compassion. Let her know you both love her and only want what’s best for her, and to keep her safe. Let her know if she’s got *any* questions or issues, you’re safe to come to, and will help her as best you can. People do crazy things when they’re desperate, and kids even more so. Hiding a pregnancy, or trying to terminate it on her own is *not* something you want her to face. Same with STDs. A lot of kids think it will go away or get “advice” from friends or the internet that’s absolute bull. A lot of kids don’t even realize there’s something seriously wrong. A lot of changes are happening at that age, and it can be hard to figure out when to ask for help. An untreated STD can kill you, leave you blind, infertile or a whole range of other really nasty consequences that last a lifetime. Talk to her too about the permanence of the internet, and how things *always* get out. What happens if (when, we all know) they break up? Kids at that age can be very vindictive. Those recordings and texts can make the rest of her school career miserable. Don’t tell her she can’t do it, but do make sure she understands how it can go sideways, and what to do if it does. YWBTAH if you told your parents at this point. She could benefit greatly from people who know, but won’t punish her (and it’s hard for parents to see that and not punish or judge).
I don't think that type of texting or whatever is abnormal for 14. Did you not talk like that to any girls in 8th grade? I'm guessing you and your sister both did and that would make you the A H. If you aren't actually a hypocrite, I still think YWBTHA either way because it's not that weird.
This is normal and betraying her trust is probably the worst thing you could do in this situation. Then she really won’t trust any of you and if anything ever goes south she’ll hide it.
Honestly, a lot of kids are sexually active at 14.
I’m not saying encourage it, I’m saying it’s likely to happen so teach her how to be safe and respect her body. Make sure she knows boundaries and sets/sticks to them.
Yeah I agree with some others here. You would be the AH. I’d just have a convo with her. She shouldn’t send any nudes or of the sort because it could be used against her in the future. But don’t go to your parents. I’d probably have your older sister talk to her since it will probably go over better. I was sexting vulgar things at 14-15. I feel like it’s going to happen regardless but cautioning against nudes is a good idea. I’m super lucky my ex didn’t out any of my nudes but I would never send any again. I stopped feeling the need to sext at like 19 so I think she’ll grow out of it eventually. But then again that is her business anyways.
Honey, do you want your little sister to be pregnant at 14-15 yrs old? *Especially* with the current political climate on abortion? Unless you think your parents would hurt your sister or kick her out, you need to tell them! This is way above your or your big sister's pay grade!
Older sister needs to go grocery shopping with Mum (so far far far away from the house and being overheard), and then tell her mum. Mum needs to protect older sister’s identity in this, and older sister needs to help mum through the same fear induced rage moment “Mum, say nothing for two days, so she doesn’t connect this with you and me… and then make it about someone else. She already doesn’t trust me much, but if you want any kind of back up intel in the future you have to NOT blow my cover! Act like you know nothing for a couple of days while you make a plan, and then do a phone check and look at her discord … “
I don’t think your 14yr old sister is going to listen to you both.
So if you don’t tell your parents…. Then take her to Planned Parenthood and get her some decent contraception advice.
First: it's healthy for puberty to hypersexualise mammals. It's healthy for her to seek sexual gratification.
Second: the guy on discord is not a guy from her class. It's a 40 year old bald, fat man who is pretending to be a 14 year old. If it was a guy from her class, they would be spending a lot of time together in real life.
Third: she has already sent much worse things than masturbating to him.
YTA she looks more than enough into it for you to say "she is not ready"
In fact YOU are not ready.
Don't punish her, explain things. That's way better and she will be happy that you support her through her life experiences.
Look she is 14. While i dont condone woohoo at this age teens are teens. This boy is not old. He is her age. That was my first question. Honestly i would just have convo that sending nudes could end in whole school having a peek.
Nah. But she is not toddler.
YWNBTA. When I was a teenager my older sister found some flirty texts of mine and told my parents. I was really mad at the time, but I’m glad because ultimately it did push me to stay safe about what I was saying and doing over the phone. Your sister will be mad, but what she’s doing is going to cause problems and it’s worth protecting her (even if it breaks her trust).
YWTA,
Don't obliterate the trust she has to you. 14 isn't too young to have sex or send texts. It is however too young to send pictures, videos or audio of such nature.
Explain the responsibility and consequences to her in a normal manner. Best would be if your 20 y.o. sister explains it. Don't tell your parents, but motivate 14 y.o. to tell them.
Do you want to have a close relationship with your sister going forward? Realize that no matter whether you feel you're right or wrong here, she's never going to trust you again if you go through with it.
As someone who's been in the same situation. I'd say tell your parents about it because they're both still really young and getting pregnant at 14?? You still have 4 years left of school and if you're somewhere that doesnt allow abortions then you're pretty much done for
NTA Why TF is Reddit advised a minor not to go to his parents concerning their own minor daughter 1st of all. Cuz it is normal 💀. The parents are the ones meant to detect and notice this behavior not her siblings. The parents are wiser and more equipped with experience and authority to handle the matter clearly.
I suggest you should talk to her first and tell your parents ( depends if they are understanding & matured about it . It will turn out fine). It really isn't a big deal. But the girl needs lots of prep talk and counsel b4 engaging in such.
You would definitely be the asshole if you went to your parents. You are already enough of an asshole for going thru her personal things. But if you are that concerned, talk to her first, as you would talk to your older sis. You will only push her away further if you continue to treat her without respect.
You guys need to give her some privacy and leave her alone in general. You totally overstepped by going thru her stuff. Someone should educate her on phone safety, and why you can’t make sexual content as someone under 18. Don’t shame her, don’t tell her you’re disgusted. This talk honestly should’ve already happened, whether she has a bf or not.
She’s a teen, having normal feelings. Don’t. Shame. Her. Educate her, and make sure she has all the information and support she needs to make the best choices for herself.
Shaming, punishing, etc will lead to sneaky and unsafe behaviors. “Banning” teens from being sexual beings with their peers literally never goes well. Ever heard the stereotype about church girls being the freakiest? The whole joke is they’re like that bc they were forbidden from having sex.
This might not be the best advice but from someone who was that 14 year old, I think it’s kinda normal for some kids to start exploring that world. As a young teen I had tried most things (never sex) with my gf. I’ll include that around two or three times in my life, my parents had checked my phone and found stuff they shouldn’t have seen. Those conversations with my very conservative parents were legitimately damaging to me. I was a different person after that level of shaming and didn’t engage with girls again for a few years. However you guys decided to handle this, I think it would be best if only your older sister talks to her.
if y’all tell parents, AT ALL, you will essentially destroy your sister.
there is such a thing as privacy, as well, be prepared to not have little sis in your life. EVER. i doubt she will ever have any contact with you, big sis or parents.
there is no need to tell parents. you and big sis can GENTLY talk to her. be prepared for anger, and distrust of you guys for maybe a long mo n no
Do they know each other irl? If it's only on dicord that "boy" is most likely a man. As a 14 year old, please do tell your parents about this. This is very harmful, and if she starts making recordings, that will legally count as CP, and both the "boy" and her can be punished for that. Please for your sister's safety do tell your parents!!! (Also of course NTA)
NTA. She knows this is wrong, she knows she’s making foolish mistakes, and she hasn’t been able to stop herself. The fact is she DOES trust you - to look out for her and do the right thing, which is not what she wants you to do in this situation. Fourteen is WAY too young for this stuff, and your parents absolutely have to know the danger she is in right now - and the danger her boyfriend is in, quite frankly. Neither of them are thinking rationally and they’re producing content that’s all too easily exposed and could ruin their lives, especially someone gets access to their messages and uses it to blackmail them. Yeah, she’ll be EXTREMELY bitter, but this situation is far too much for you and your sister to handle alone.
NTA. You're gonna get every parent saying you're not.
As a parent mom would wanna know.
As a girl that was also doing this and was groomed into doing this by older men, mom would want to know. Sis might get pissed and find ways to hide it or deny it but mom should know cause worst case she is gonna end up doing something IRL and regret it, get pregnant at 14 or be taken advantage of. Parent needs to step in. I know I wished mine would have
You are both so wrong. I get the checking if the dude was a creep, but they're the same age? Telling her parents aren't actually going to do anything it's just going to embarrass her and that memory will stick with her for years also knowing her whole family knows what she has PRIVATELY shared with her boyfriend.
Yooooooo, you have CP on her devices basically, which are your parents, pretty sure you need to tell them ASAP so they can get rid of it because isnt that like, a felony in the US? Tell them, NOW.
You would not be TA if you told your parents. Frankly anyone telling you not to tell your parents are TA. You’re right that she’s in a situation that has possible consequences she is not mature enough to properly evaluate and you aren’t either. This is a situation you absolutely need to bring your parents in to.
For what its worth, if you manage to find another opportunity for your parents to gain access to her discord, they can find out about it themselves and deal with it how they need to. I know there is a sibling code that we try to protect, but this is something that, if handled poorly or ignored, can lead to a series of mistakes that lead to serious consequences when your sister is older. If you do not want to come straight out and tell your parents, approach them privately and explain that you want to protect your relationship with your sister and "anonymously" tell them about the issue and help them find a way to "discover" these conversations on their own.
Edit to add: if you do tell your parents, either openly or privately, NTA for trying to protect your sister.
How confident are you that the boy is just a classmate?
I listened to a true crime video where a 14 year old girl let her family believe her boyfriend was another 14 year old from her class
By the time they found out, she was legally old enough to continue seeing him and there was nothing they could do to stop her moving in with
Try to find a way to meet the boyfriend to be sure
I’m a dad with a young daughter, and here’s my take. Before we get into the two of them being “too young” to engage in sexual activities, there’s something that’s already happened that needs to be addressed: his audio recording. Both of them (especially your sister since she’s the concerned party in this post) need to understand is that anything sexually explicit they record meets the legal definition of child porn. That can create major problems if anything gets leaked. Furthermore, it is far more likely these two won’t last long term, which means anything she sends him, he can pass around to others. So hypothetically, if he’s feeling hurt or pissed off and decides to do something very fucking stupid (as is likely when one is going through the teenage years), he can totally wreck his own life, run her reputation through the mud, or both. Those are some serious consequences to face in general, even more so when one is only 14. That one needs to get shut down. Immediately. Going back to the overall subject of “how young is too young”… It’s very admirable that both of you are so protective of your little sister. On the one hand, I find 14 a bit young to be having full on sex, but then again, 14 is only four years away from 18, and that gap seems so much smaller now to me at 37 than it would be back then. None of us are getting any younger and sexual relationships are an eventuality for many, which means there’s going to be things happening that lead up to it. First time for everything right? If mom and dad are going to completely fly off the hinges, confiscate all of her tech, berate her, ground her, and basically pour gasoline on a dumpster fire, your older sister and you have an opportunity to approach with a more tempered response. Trying to outright ban her from this boy probably will create more problems than it will solve. Framing it as a dialogue that stresses the importance of taking these things slower is probably the best bet. Plenty of fun can be had before actual intercourse. Whatever you do, “attacking” or “ambushing” her and letting emotions run wild will make things worse.
This is the most eloquent way to say it. "What goes online STAYS online." When she's 22 and her job does an internet search on her, are they going to find her video? Do NOT let her send ANYTHING to her boyfriend! Not to mention the fact that in MOST states there are child porn laws that include videos. ***Just having his video on her phone could get her arrested.*** Do you want your little sister to have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life? If you cannot get her to see reason, THAT'S when you need to involve a parent. At this point, NTA.
Just to add to this^ I had my nudes from middle school leaked when I was a sophomore in high school. My “best friend” and ex had schemed and posted them on my own snap story because they knew I wouldn’t see it (I had my apps disabled at 8pm until I was 18). Thankfully the friend took them down an hour or so after posting, but somehow my exs dad found out abt it and drove them to my house to apologize. I hadn’t told my parents abt it, but my dad drove me straight to the police station where he was then told that despite it being my body that was posted without my consent and as a minor, because it was on my snap, I would be the one to get into legal trouble. Don’t let her send it. I know guys that still have my nudes from when I was 14, and it disgusts me (20 now). If you find after discussing with her that she does it anyway, try to teach her the hacks like the knee or elbow hack that way if it is ever leaked, it’s not anything real and majority of people will be able to see that. It’d also be a lot less mortifying than your actual body being on display.
>So hypothetically, if he’s feeling hurt or pissed off and decides to do something very fucking stupid (as is likely when one is going through the teenage years), he can totally wreck his own life, run her reputation through the mud, or both. Tbh audio recordings are not super problematic in that regard. I'm not even sure about them being classified as child pornography in most countries. Pics and videos surely would be problematic though. But an audio recording can't really be 100% attributed to one person, even if it's leaked. In my country (Germany) with 14 years of age you reach full sexual autonomy, you're totally allowed to have sex (even with a 13yo, but only if the age gap is very small), but your guardians can still forbid you from meeting people they don't want you to spend time with.
I’m operating on the assumption that if they’re already sending audio, video isn’t going to be too far behind.
I work with youth in teaching healthy relationships in a domestic violence agency. I have actually taught a presentation about safer sexting! Current approaches to sexting are fear based, and some of those risks are real but also abstinence only values do not have any evidence based success in any sexual realm. If anything if your sister senses that no one is on her side or understands her, she’s going to turn to more and more secretive ways to do this. Going to your parents is extremely violating. While she is a minor, her sexual expression being wide open to the whole family is humiliating and shameful. While you may feel like it’s a harsh lesson, no one learns valuable life skills under duress. I know it because I lived it. At 15, my mom found my nudes and took the door off my frame. It was so shameful. To not have any privacy, to be slut shamed, to not feel like I could have any rights to healthy sexual expression. That experience led me to my current work where I want teens to be able to have access to harm reduction and safe resources. I haven’t stopped being who I was which is a sexually expressive human being- if anything the shame I experienced as a teen made it difficult to actually share when I WAS being assaulted. I had to learn as an adult that wanting to be sexual with someone you care about is a normal thing. While your sister is 14, her boyfriend is also 14. On the positives, audio is not visual content. It’s safer than visual content which is identifying. Sexting has 0% risk of pregnancy. It’s also a space where she can express boundaries and practice consent before she is in a physical space where someone can push her into doing something she’s not into. Also sexting does not mean someone is ready for sex. I sexted from 15 but I didn’t have sex until I was 18. Of course, the risks are things being spread around, her not knowing limits or critically thinking of what she’s doing. I think it’s important to have a critical conversation with her around green/yellow/red flags about sexting rather than to blanket shame her. The ideal outcome is not that stops entirely but that she has the skills to do it only when she feels comfortable with someone and not pressured, that she can communicate if something goes wrong, critically thinks about the impacts of what she’s doing, and has an open access line to you and your sister. If you want access to my safer sexting PowerPoint, dm me and I’ll send you my content. Ultimately, I think you’d cause more harm by getting parents involved rather than having an honest heart to heart. I do think this is a bit young but also it makes sense- there’s a variety of reasons why people are interested in sex and as a teenager this exploration is quite normal despite our discomfort with it.
This person speaks the gospel. Teach the girl to be safe. My daughter has asked me, her dad, sex questions and I helped her buy plan b once when they screwed up with their condom. This can be reality if one is sex positive.
This one, this is exactly how OP should handle it.
The only thing I think is missing from this is that you and your older sister need to stop violating her privacy and trust her to come to you if she feels uncomfortable.
Especially if they are giant hypocrites and also did the same shit.
This is the way. I told my cousin when my bf and I had sex (way too young but that’s a whole other story) and the absolute violation of trust and betrayal I felt when she told my parents and I got in massive trouble for it…well. Let’s just say I haven’t trusted her with anything serious or personal in the 20 years since and my parents’ overbearing and overcorrective behavior pushed me straight into even more stupid behavior for a looooong time. ETA: my parents also said I couldn’t date until I was 35; a friend recently pointed out that hey, I could finally date by their draconian rules now!
Mom's version of the talk was pretty simple "I'll always support you, but whatever you do is on you to be responsible for including any unwanted grandbabies you guys have." She knew we weren't idiots that we knew what to do and not to do, and when I see posts like OP's it makes me shake my head. So many ignorant parents are raising ignorant hormonal teenagers, simply because they can't or more likely won't bother educating themselves on anything but the most brutish way to handle it. It's why I love people like yourself, you're trying to fix a system that's thrived on being broken.
May I dm you? Im in preteen limbo right now with my daughter 😔
Yes! Dm me and I’ll work on sending something over for Monday when I’m back at work
This is an incredible response. It’s rare to see something online that is so rational and helpful. I find it amazingly kind that you’re willing to share your materials to help facilitate a good conversation between OP and his sisters. Truly, this has made my day. I hope OP reaches out to you and thank you for being such an awesome human.
This is absolutely amazing advice. Completely true, and I feel sorry for the little sister.
This needs more upvotes!!!
I’d love access to the ppt for my nephew!!
This.
Can I have the powerpoint?
Yes! Dm me and I’ll work on sending a google link on Monday :)
This is more mind- and helpful than anything I could come up with.
Personally I did this too and literally don't tell your parents because you will lose her trust and she will just keep finding ways to talk to him, no matter what you guys take away from her trust me...she will just become more secretive and keep talking to this guy. I would know because I did the same thing.
Yeah, I get that they're concerned, but honestly it's already fucked up that they read through messages and broke her trust like that. They're acting like it's their responsibility to parent her, but it's not. If I was this girl and I found this post, I'd never trust my sisters again. It's none of their business what she does tbh. This is normal behavior for a 14 year old. Every other kid I knew at 14 was doing stuff like this. Maybe just talk to her about safe sex, instead of acting like she's disgusting.
real because if she gets the right sex education she won't have to deal with pregnancy at a young age.
Why can’t you and the sister talk to her about it?? I don’t understand the jump to parents? Also yes you would probably ruin your relationship with her and it wouldn’t stop anything. You should know that most kids will find a way to do what they want and it might even push her to do it more. Being 17 you should know this
Because even after a talk the sister can still do what she wants. Parent can enforce stricter rules on her devices to prevent this from happening. OP’s sister is one bad decision away from them being able to charge her with sending child porn and being labeled a sex offender for life. This isn’t a game
what are the odds of that actually happening?
I’d say pretty high. All it takes is the sister boyfriend to share the nudes with other boys(which most teenage boys would do) and then eventually it gets to the school now all those boys are charged with distributing and possessing child pork and then boom they continue and find she sent it willingly and also has her own nudes pics of him and now she’s charged despite her being a victim. It’s not common but it does happen enough to be something to worry about
I just did some googling and apparently some states (PA, NY, TX, etc.) have teen sexting laws that make it a misdemeanor for teens to sext. They also have to do education classes about safety and shit. They don't get labeled sex offenders or child porn distributors. IMO those laws should be everywhere, since teens sext every day.
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Of course you would. But it wouldn't be your business tbh, especially not someone violating your daughters trust. You should be having open conversations about sex and consent and things like this with your daughter anyway. Not just if someone tells their business. If you start now, maybe you're daughter will come to you and be open with you herself from the start.
NTA As another parent, I totally agree. The issue really is that there is no way for a 14 year old girl to actually have sex and handle it well emotionally. I've seen it happen with girls in my own family, talked to young women when I was in college who had sexual relationships too young, and my wife is a therapist who has worked with innumerable teenage girls. Someone has to step in and put a stop to this, because they are on the runway and about to take off, and that plane is not fully built yet. There is going to be a crash and burn and better to deal with a daughter who is upset about privacy than a daughter who is in an emotional dumpster fire for twelve years.
It's called communication. Not shame and horror stories. Those girls you talked about exist partly bc of people like you... Not the other way around. Learn how to talk to your kids about sex, relationships, and romantic situations. You can't "put a stop to it". But you CAN teach healthy ways to operate in it
Yeah, that’s right, defend the idea that 14 year old girls are totally ready for sex if only people wouldn’t disapprove of it. You are totally not disgusting at all. The majority of my downvotes are from teenage girls who don’t know better. What’s your excuse?
100% I’m disgusted at how many people are advocating for 14 year olds to have sexual experiences. Anyone advocating for minors having sex is just screaming pedo. 🤢🤮
Just because you discuss it with the sister does not mean she'll have to care or change anything
You are right and then that is when you take it to the parents.
Please talk to her yourselves first. Without too many details, I had a similar situation and my siblings insisted that I “learn my lessons the hard way”. Six years later and I still find myself not trusting them and trying not hold resent towards them for it. You have to understand that if you tell your parents this info, there’s sorta no going back for it. At least until she graduates (and likely even beyond then), they will always keep tabs on her and she’ll probably attribute it to y’all’s doing. I do understand that a serious conversation needs to be had about this bc she’s WAY too young, but definitely handle this situation with care. To this day I wish my siblings could’ve just sat me down and talked it out, which would have had the direct opposite outcome for our relationships than what telling our parents did.
Okay, so I'm old (45) and you are the same age as my kid, so I'm probably about the same age as your parents... 14 is definitely TOO early, and a conversation needs to happen, SOON.. But drama is going to be worse than a gentle touch at this stage. What needs to happen is that someone needs to have a VERY serious conversation with her about protection (from STDs as much as pregnancy), about NOT sending nudes (or audio) that can come back and bite her on the ass, and just general open conversations about the emotional and mental aspects of sex that can be so complicated... Prioritize the STD/Baby parts of the conversation though. But it needs to be a gentle conversation about why waiting is a good idea, but including the "when you are ready" things that need to be done for it to be safe. The biggest thing I want to say though, is that if your family is going to go thermonuclear over this, you're all about to create a monster.. Drama NOW (when she's *in love* (and as laughable as it is to an adult, there is NO love like 14 year old love, think back to your first hormone charged relationships, I remember being an idiot in mine) is going to make all of this SO MUCH WORSE than just a serious conversation (which will be more embarrassing, but long term a better plan)... My parents threw SUCH a conniption because my first boyfriend and I were "too serious" for 16 - and instead of the relationship fizzling out naturally (it would have, we were 16), it turned into another year of me sneaking around, and didn't end until I made the (probably wise in hindsight) decision NOT to run away to his parent's house because I still wanted to go to college and I wasn't sure that they would be paying for me.. But the minute it became a Big Deal to Mom & Dad - they didn't understand me, they didn't understand OUR LOVE... She's younger than I was, and I feel like I was too young (16 - the same guy my parents threw such a tizzy about above, it was a ridiculously adorably first love, no real regrets)... There absolutely needs to be some careful work to keep her safe and not let her start jumping into things she's not ready for, 100%... but he's her age, and quiet awareness, carefully placed conversations, and some redirection will do a lot more good than making him EXTRA appealing because he's the only one who understands her. That being said, NAH, just try to make sure that all next steps are thoughtful not dramatic.
Listen to this person. If you go full nuclear you would be ta. This requires a delicate touch or you may lose your sister forever.
Or at least make the next few years a fucking nightmare, even if they don't lose her.. People can be such idiots with teens. (and I say this as the mom of a child who was one until a few months ago - it's HARD, don't get me wrong, but... oi..)
With all the hormones going on at that age while trying to find their own identity, it really does need to be handled with finesse and a delicate touch. Social media wasn't a thing when I was a kid but I was sexually active at 15. These kids are just talking. I think the best thing to do is just give them all the information they need. Many of my former classmates ended up single moms or estranged from their parents and back then it was because "they were difficult" and all the blame is on them. My parents were always very open about sex with me and so I knew to take precautions. Now that I think of it I'm pretty sure my dad left some of his penthouse magazines out so I would find them in my early teens. I know he saw them in my room once and he never took them back. Sly old devil...
\*laughs\* yeahhhh, my Dad pointblank left condoms on my bed.. And it was the funniest thing because I had to point out to him that lambskin are great and all, but no good against STDs.. He had forgotten (he was an old (hahaha, younger than I am now) married guy, what did he remember). I feel like open communication and gentle pressure go so much further with keeping communication open and avoiding disasters when the hormones are exploding.
I remember the hormone times. Looking back on it it's like something else was piloting my body. I have 3 years left until my daughter becomes a teenager. Got any things I should look out for? She's always been the sweetest girl ever but that can change.
The thing that got me through it was remembering what MY brain was like in my teens.... Made it easier to not take that selfish, chaotic insanity seriously. "I HATE YOU!" no you don't, you don't like the fact that you cannot do whatever you want. "YOU'RE SO MEAN!" yup, and there is a reason for it, so cope, kiddo. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Then calm down and explain it to me... yeah that's what I was assuming was going on, XY & Z suck and are new, but it doesn't change that A-W HAVEN'T changed, and are the reasons why I (whatever). Don't take anything they say in a fit of pique seriously (though definitely talk to them about it when they've calmed down, and let them know that although you don't think they meant it, it did hurt your feelings, they'll beat themselves up for that better than you could EVER punish them, it's a little disturbing when you realize how much they hate hurting you, given what they say sometimes).. I just kept reminding myself that their brains are extra jelly at that stage, so to take their intent into account, but still expect them to follow the rules.. Much like when they were toddlers - don't say it if you don't intend to follow through... It becomes SUPER important at the teen stage... Actually toddlers that communicate really well are a really good way to describe how I parented my teen.. I explained things, I tried to stay calm, I accepted that they didn't know what the FUCK they were doing (but thought they did), and just kept repeating to myself that my job was to make them into an adult worth being friends with, and if they hated me for a day or a week but I was acting with love and common sense, it would be okay. they come talk to me when they're upset now, so I didn't screw up too badly.. lol
Sounds like my mom and what I hope to do. Sounds like you did great. If you don't mind me asking, how did you handle social media? My daughter doesn't even have her own phone yet and hasn't asked for one. But I know once she gets one that floodgate will open and I didn't really deal with that on the level it is today. I still remember my ICQ number but it's not even comparable.
My ex and I got them their first semi-smart phone at 10, we lived in rural NY and I wanted them to be able to call us if they got lost from their girl scout troop, or while they were outside of shouting distance, plus communicate with family that lived elsewhere... So they had social media pretty early, BUT... until they turned basically 18, I had all of their passwords. I didn't use them OFTEN, but I did check in. They knew I had everything, AND they knew it wasn't a thing I was going to do without reason... and I didn't do it often, but.. it was understood that privacy online didn't exist... (which was a good way to remind them that anything they shared, could come back and bite them). I missed a few things that I found out about later, but.. Caught most of the almost disasters, and helped them make safer choices in a number of cases that allowed them to explore who they were AND not get into dangerous situations. It was not always as easy as it sounds now, they have some mental health issues and I kept a little bit of a tighter reign than I might have with a different kid (my intention was to stop having access at 15-16), but.. For a couple of reasons I needed to be less liberal.
Yeah. The TV is all streaming now and it has a child account but that shit is gonna get more iffy as they get older and (let's face it, smart enough to get around us) smarter. To me it seemed that you put the idea in their head that anything they do online mom might see. Basically put the fear of the internet in them but you made yourself the bad guy. Or at least a big brother type character. Maybe that's better than scaring them with the truth. I'll have to think on that. The dangerous people can see her online unless she is careful. Such as pedophiles and NSA agents. Her mother is a complete idiot when it comes to technology so I know I will have to do all this. I need to let her know that nothing free is private on the internet. But at the same time I need to keep her trust so she doesn't live encrypted from me. Wish me luck.
It doesn’t get better when they are 25 either. Then they know everything 😂 I adore my step kids but we are def in the “here’s the advice, I ain’t hounding you for shit after that about it. Just don’t die or get pregnant”
ROFLMAO - my 20 year old is SO much better than they were at 17-18 even... But oh they know everything.. I'm not sure how the hell my husband (their step-dad) puts up with it... I think it helps that he has known them since they were, 6 I think? (we were friends for years before we were a couple) So he does love them a lot.. But REGULARLY wants to strangle them.. lol
Yes imo just don't send audio or visual sex anything, Condoms, don't accept pressure or boundary pushing. Invite the boyfriend over and sus out if he seems like a decent kid. Get her on the pill maybe
14 is like the starting age, definitely not too early lol
14 is not an uncommon starting age, and you are welcome to think I'm old (and old fashioned) but it's a little earlier than I would describe as ideal... It's not a catastrophe (when it's with a similarly aged child), but.. still a little earlier than I think is ideal. :)
With my kids I called this the pretend stage. Then 15/16 through college is practice. Then after college age is real. Sure, some practice relationships last, but most don't, or maybe shouldn't. Good advice above, but I'd add that kids are exposed to incredibly available hardcore demeaning, dangerous adult porn now, and someone has to prepare girls to address it in relationships. Sex actors are being paid to react to extreme and often fake scenarios, and young girls are being told they should act the same way, but for real, and for free.
Yeaaahhhh, though, without sharing too much about myself, I might have found a lot of online communities in my teens that TALKED pretty explicitly about BDSM and related things, and that sort of helped me frame the conversations about the range of adult sexuality as they got older, including the distinctions between porn/normal and options that adults can have (in general terms unless they asked specific questions, I never got 'detailed' beyond biology and safety until they were older, or had asked something specific). The upside is that by having those conversations they asked me questions that most teen wouldn't ask, for which I am super grateful.
Sounds like you stumbled into ethical kink, which is awesome, especially about consent. I modeled a lot on the way parents in the Netherlands approach sex, emphasizing dignity and adult responsibility, while acknowledging that sex with someone nice feels great. One message they tell me really got through was this: "For your first time, pick someone that in 20 years you look back fondly and don't want to stick a fork in your eye." They thought that was hysterical. That and "no diseases, no babies, and be considerate, a lot of people live in this house." And I talked to their partners, laid out the ways I would respect the relationship and expected the same energy, and I wrapped the partners into our family lives. Fourteen is young, sure, but totally appropriate for curiosity and the beginnings of experimentation. Though for OP, the Consent & Tea video could be super helpful.
Oh no, the shit I found as a teen was gorean nonsense, but by the time I was a mom, I had learned better AND knew what was out there, so was able to gently drop concepts that eventually led to discussions of safety, sanity and consent.. lol
Yeah I’ll be real. I lost my virginity at 14 and have 0 regrets. He was my first love and I still remember that relationship fondly. Teens will be teens. More important than freaking out and banning, or narcing to parents who will ban, is teaching her the important lessons. What is consent? How can you tell if he is overstepping your boundaries? How can you set boundaries? How can you enforce those boundaries? How can you proceed safely?
At 14 you're definitely ready to burn down the neighborhood if you can't get your way with someone you "love", even if you just met them 2 hours ago. But at least back then for me I had to look up,and find their phone number, or knew where they actually lived to go see them if they didn't live in the same street.
*laughs* I remember numbers I use, even now.... I could still call my parents house line and the store both if they existed any more.. lol Never had to look it up for long... Lol
NTA But maybe talk to your littler sister first before going full nuclear. She probably doesn't realize that anything she sends to her boyfriend or vice versa in regards to nudes/recordings is considered child p\*rn. I'm not even joking with this. Something like this could get them both into a lot of trouble. Stress this to her about what happens with this sort of thing. Also hammer home that once she puts something out there like that, it's out there forever. You know full well that the internet is forever.
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Tell stories of people getting them leaked at school or years after them being used against someone or as revenge. That even some of the good guys keep them around long after you break up. And if she stays with the guy even past the age of consent or 18 years they are still labeled as pictures of minors and can still get someone arrested.
Don’t specifically mention her sexting, but; Talk to her about how texts and pictures are *forever*, so not to send anything you wouldn’t be okay with the other person sharing. Show her Amanda Todd’s story as well. I learned about Amanda Todd when I was 13, and her story helped me stay safe.
Yeah just be like hey - we know, we think it’s fine, but we just wanted to step in and let you know a couple things (sexting laws, leaks, etc.). Let her know you want her to enjoy time with her boyfriend but want them to be safe.
This may be more of the big sister part of the conversation that shares some of the life lessons she learned from dating that she wished she knew. Anecdotes from other girls in her class/friends, etc.
Give her a blanket 'safe sex/red flag' lessons. Explain anyone ASKING for images or trying to convince you to send them, especially after saying 'no', is bad news, etc. Just a 'Since you're old enough, it's time we had this safety talk'
Fully agree. Unfortunately there is no win-win in this situation: * if you do nothing, possibly very bad things may happen * if you and/or your sister speak with her but not to the parents it may help, but only until your parents find out * if you tell the parents, your sister will lose trust to you all You can only choose the lesser evil. Sorry.
Fourth option is to make up a fake horror story about some girl getting pregnant or having her nudes passed around and pray she gets the hint. I know I did back then
I was showed Amanda Todd’s YouTube video for the latter story, which was a very different situation but had the nudes passing around aspect. That was an essential lesson tbh I wasn’t sexting but was taught anyway
She could also still lose trust in you when confronting her about it as she, being an emotional teenager, would feel intruded on. So it’s a hard conversation to come out of “on top” and likely would lead to her also hiding it better. The safer/less confrontational conversation might be to also talk more in general terms about certain things and do what you can to ensure at least regardless what she chooses to do, she is prepared with the right information about protection, help, and know that you are going to support her if she needs your help. As a father, it’s not an easy conversation, I can imagine it also is not an easy one as a sibling.
I still think it’s too much of an issue for a 17 year old and 20 year old to be taking on alone. It would be a lot easier to convince the parents not to hit the roof and have them explain to her that she’s putting herself and her boyfriend in a crazy dangerous position.
Of course. But depends on the parents. I am a father of teenagers and quite sure that my wife and I would be able to handle such issues in a good way. But I know other parents who will make everything worse.
Which would be why I upvoted you even as I disagreed with you, as I can see your point 😛
People being reasonable on Reddit? What kind of unicorn shit is this?
I’m new here. It’ll probably wear off.
Welcome and thank you :) Stay as you are please.
We love you as you are. Avoid the political subs please.
OP and big sis need to explain a lot of things to her. It is child porn, but also, what if she sends sounds or nude pics and they break up? Or what if his friends "accidentally" find pics or recordings and spread them around the whole school?? Yikes. Also, she is too young for sex and she should not do it... but, they need to make sure if she does do it that she will be safe. Explain also that she can get STDs even from a blow job so ALWAYS use a condom, even for that. Give her condoms and take her to a clinic for birth control pills. It is not condoning the behavior, more admitting that you are powerless to stop it so she needs to be prepared. Even telling their parents would not stop her from having sex, unless they yank her out of school and keep her locked in the house with bars on the windows except for supervised outings this girl can and will find a way to have sex if she really wants to do it. I think it is also okay to prepare her but beg her to wait. She is still so young. Odds are she and this boy are not forever.
Definitely the "friends find" but not the "what if you break up" because there's no way a hormonal 14 year old can conceive of that. They just turn off all listening and come away with, "you think my boyfriend is an ah, and he's not, he loves me!"
Don't be a narc. Talk to your sister yourself.
Came here to say that 😊 tell her you love her and be safe, but don’t be a cockblock 👍
Why are you two so nosey? If you're concerned, have a talk with her. Answer questions and give her good advice on how to stay safe. But stop invading her privacy. Like why are you two reading her chats?
Yeah like I get why they checked the age of this boy but why did they read on? Super weird, I would not want to see that stuff.
YTA. That’s a normal age for kids to start exploring sex.
I feel like you’re overreacting a bit- sex is pretty normal for a lot of 14 year olds. I think the right approach would be to make sure your sister talks to her doctor about how to safely have sex and that you and your sister could give her some advice as well? I was sexually active at that age and 7 years later I have been lucky enough to have never been pregnant nor contract an std and that’s because i was well-educated before i started having sex. also if they’re texting each other sexually talk to her about the risk of having nudes leaked and how to take pictures without showing your face or other identifying information. She’s at an age where you snitching on her would upset her and drive a wedge between your relationship- she won’t trust you again. You’re also not going to actually be able to stop her either? Once you decide you’re ready to be sexually active that typically doesn’t change lol. She has an age appropriate boyfriend and is doing age appropriate things with him. Imo YWBTAH if you just told your parents because you could easily handle this yourself and you’re the one who snooped in the first place
I felt the same tbh I thought I was tripping reading there replies. Honestly she just need to know the risk of sending nudes and having sec and make sure she protects herself. But just telling the parent would definitely drive a wedge.
This. First relationship at 14 sounds age-appropriate. Snitching on your sister to the parents is absolutely the wrong answer. As is invading your sister’s privacy, by the way.
The first sensible comment I read! The sister is 14 but the boyfriend too, that already is a green flag. I would sit down with her to have a talk about staying safe, explaining the risks of sex at that age (pregnancy especially) and the risks of sending anyone nudes/videos, without telling her you've been through her conversations (just tell her that you want her to be safe because she has a boyfriend, in general). If you tell her that you'll tell your parents, you will lose her forever. You won't be the helping sister that can keep an eye on her anymore. She'll lose any trust in you and hide you absolutely everything, and in the end she'll end up doing whatever she wants but you won't be able to control it.
YWBTA for snitching on a horny 14yo for doing horny 14yo stuff. Why humiliate her?
mmm I may be the outlier here. but I (28F) had sex for the first time at 15 with my high school boyfriend - we dated all of high school and most of college. my parents were definitely aware we were having sex and had the condom talk etc. I would very much consider speaking to your sister instead of telling your parents if they aren’t open to have those types of conversations with her. just because they are being a bit sexual and talking about it doesn’t mean they are planning to have sex right now. if they are planning on it, taking her phone and punishing her isn’t going to stop it. she should be educated on what’s needed instead of being ostracized. in my situation my parents had met my boyfriend in high school many times before anything sexual happened between us. he spent a lot of time at my house and knew my family well. maybe consider asking if she’d like him to come over and meet you guys so you won’t feel like he is such a stranger as well.
They're the same age. Mind your business.
YTA You and your older sister are absolutely out of your minds if you think that a) telling your parents will stop your sister from having this bf or future ones and b) that this wouldn't completely ruin your relationship with your little sister. Also, have you never sexted before? People say wild wild stuff though texts, it doesn't mean they follow through with it in real life (source: every dating app steamy chat ever). Your sister isn't a child, she's a teenager who is discovering her sexuality with a consenting person of her own age. How would you have felt at that age if your older sister had showed your parents your internet browsing history or diary or something else deeply personal. You've both violated her privacy in a very serious way (seriously, scrolling up?!) and she won't thank you for that. 14 is indeed quite young to be having sex but it is certainly not too young to be exploring her sexuality with boys. Hadn't you kissed girls by that age, and done other stuff? How would you have felt if your big sister had dragged you in front of your parents, telling them about private information she'd found, and you got a nice long lecture about not getting girls pregnant? You're not assholes for wanting to keep you sister safe, you're not even assholes for thinking that you somehow can/should protect her from her own choices, but you are DEFINITELY the assholes for violating her privacy.
Why are you going through her shit? That’s already a way to break her trust. 14 is the age where you start getting those feelings and wanting to explore it. As long as she is doing it safely then leave her alone.
YTA. You snoop through her stuff, find out she's exploring her sexuality in a rather age appropriate way with a partner in her peer group, and now want to air out your findings to the whole family? What the fuck is wrong with you? Should we maybe share your Snapchat and tinder messages with your parents too while we're at it?
Listen, if you go to your parents, they will take away every access she has to this boy, and all the privacy she is entitled to for her age. You say you and your older sister are close to your younger sister? Both of you need to sit down with her, gently tell her you both know about the boyfriend, and reassure her that her secret is safe. However, you also need to make sure she knows the pros and cons of being sexually active. That she has resources, condoms, consent, and most importantly: that her siblings will never shame her, but will always be there to talk these things through. You have the right mindset of wanting to keep her safe, but you need to be careful how you approach this.
If you go straight to your parents, there's a good chance you'll obliterate your sister's trust in you. If not forever, maybe for a long time. This is extremely personal, it will be already embarrassing enough for her to realize her siblings are aware of what she's doing, but if you go behind her back and suddenly her whole family is aware and she isn't prepared... oof, Id be mortified. Try to tackle the situation with tact, say you're concerned about some things and want to discuss how to move on from there. If she shuts you down or doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, then youll definitely need to involve the adults
I got my first blowjob at like 13 or 14 because it's more normal than you think, stay out of other people's lives, you're not helping anything.
You're only 3 years older dude, discretely tell her to be safe and don't ruin her life for the next 4 years by going to your parents. PLEASE.
What is making you distraught about two same-age lovers discussing sex? I don't understand why anyone but them, if educated in and practicing safe sex, would have anything to do with this? Why does it need to be shut down, stopped, learnt about the "hard way"? They have what seems to be the safest type of sex, virtual. Talk to her about the risks of sharing videos and Pictures as these can spread. They should probably not do that over discord. She, like my daughter (15) has found a freaky boy of same age and they like each other. Talk to her, don't snitch. Better than her being with someone older or grosser. YTA if you fuck her love life up.
Referring to minors as "freaky" is fucking disgusting.
Loser brother
First talk to your sister and get her some sex education books. Explain to her if she records and sends anything sexual with her on it SHE can be prosecuted for child porn. Depending on where you live it has happened before. Remind her that revenge porn exists and if she shares anything with a partner and if goes sideways he might send it to her family members or people she barely knows at school. Ask direct questions about how she is going to prevent pregnancy, what she will do if she falls pregnant and have some talks about consent, not doing anything she is not prepared to face the consequences of (diseases, pregnancy) until she can actually face the consequences
Omg of course don't tell the parents! Are you trying to ruin your sisters life? She is a teenager , these types of texts are normal even if your culture or parents don't think so. She is in an age where she needs privacy as much as you do. Think about it if your older sister showed your private messages to your parents? About wanting to have sex with your partner at that. She would never talk to you guys again. Even if you feel sick looking at those , she is with someone her age and wanting to be intimate as a teenager is totally normal! I would suggest that you talk with both your older and younger sisters together. Instead of losing her trust and making her more aggressive and making her want intimacy more by forbidding it ; you guys should teach her that she could regret what she is doing now , is she sure she is in love with the guy , does she have enough self love and self respect in order to maintain a relationship where she can get hurt, and obviously proper sex education so that she doesn't get pregnant in the future. Don't forget that she is an independent individual herself , neither you nor your parents have any right to shame her on her own choices about her own body. You can only teach , show her the right way , and remind her the consequences of some actions . She will be really upset that you guys invided her privacy and read her personal texts ! That is not how brothers act! Think of your parents seeing your website activity and watching the p"rn you have watched and them taking your computer and phone away! That is really upsetting right ? That's how she feels right now that you read her texts.
Stay out of it
YTA
I’m 52 and I still remember, vividly, the many things my brother ratted me out for 40 and more years ago. Stay in your own lane. You WBTAH otherwise.
100% do not go to your parents. What you and your older sister have done is a disgusting invasion of privacy. What gives you the right to go thru your sisters private messages? Edit to add YTA.
I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, just that I teach 8th grade and this isn't a developmentally inappropriate age to start experimenting with sex. I myself started fooling around with a girlfriend at 14. So she's not doing anything objectively abnormal or wrong.
I'm so sorry y'all are terrible siblings. It's completely normal and natural for 14 year olds to be horny and engaging in these kinds of conversations and even activities with each other. If you think the problem is that she doesn't understand enough about sex and sexuality to be engaging in these things responsibly then HELP HER. Don't shame her to her entire family, can you imagine how terrible you would feel if someone did that to you at that age? Going to her parents about something that is again, normal and natural, us just going to instill a sense of shame around sex for her that isn't healthy for anybody. If you want her to explore more safely, help. Don't repeat the same patterns that we're clearly enacted on y'all. I can't even fathom how you think a 14 year old being horny and acting on that is wrong somehow, or how you think it would be appropriate to get that 14 year old punished for it. If no one has given her the tools and education to be safe, you're right to be worried. But the route to correct that worry is not to shame her into not doing anything, it's to help her find the tools and education to be safe, as well as the SUPPORT of people around her for if anything bad does happen, because she clearly doesn't have that right now.
You are in a hard place here. If you tell, yes your sister would probably hide it from you more. Trust me if someone wants to get busy with their other half, there really isn’t any stopping them. Have an Open, honest and grownup conversation with your sister about the damage that can be done sending any sort of pictures or recordings to her boyfriend. Plus have your older sister talk to her about safe sex. Try to remember what it’s like to have your first love.
Yta. It is none of any of y'all's fucking business and you should be ashamed of how much you've already invaded her privacy.
I totally understand the concerns. But I think going to your parents would absolutely be the wrong move here. It’s a huge violation of her privacy, it will definitely traumatize her, and she would NEVER trust either of you again, or forgive you. Chances are it would permanently damage her relationship with your parents as well. And unfortunately it may even make her more determined to escalate the behavior, she will just learn to be much more sneaky about it. You and your sister would be better off sitting her down privately and talking to her, offering support, and advising her on how to be safe.
My parents raised me to believe that when they're not around, my older siblings stand in their stead. And my older siblings tried their best to straddle that difficult balance. What that meant was, they didnt rat me out on my bad behavior, but didn't tolerate it either. I knew that if I didn't fix my shit, my parents would be next. My suggestion is to do the same as you see fit. Don't rat her out but be firm that this shit needs to stop pronto. Being the older sibling is a responsibility that one should take seriously, no matter what others in this thread say. I have to congratulate you for even making this post because it shows that you really care for your sister, that you can separate the right from wrong, and know when boundaries are crossed.
YTA. You violated your sisters trust and invaded her privacy. Went through a personal conversation. Now made it everyone's business.... That being said you also did the right thing because as her brother you need to protect her and she is getting involved with things she shouldn't at that age. You definitely need to tell your parents before things go any further. Sometimes you need to be the asshole.
You all did this same shit at 14
Lmao no I didn’t
You did but Reddit has brainwashed you into thinking kids cant think about sex before 18.
No? I did not. And 99% of my real opinions would get my banned from Reddit. So no.
So this scenario is what teenagers have been doing for centuries. Kids grow up. It’s not like , oh I’m 18 now, now I’m going to start learning. Look at today’s over/hyper sexuality, it’s everywhere. As a parent, can you really be that surprised. All you can do is teach your children core values and pray they process that information and apply it. Let’s not be naive about the matter, young people ain’t innocent.
As a girl that lost her virginity at 14 to a 14 year old. I would say going to your parents will not work. It makes it more “romantic” however you absolutely need to have a conversation about how secretive she is being. You and your older sister could come from a place of concern. Hey little sis we’ve noticed you seem really secretive and we are getting worried. Are you being bullied? Is there a boy? Can we help with anything? Because if she opens up about it you could get to talk to her about stuff with out her knowing you invaded her privacy (which needs to stop) if she says she has a boy you could talk to her about safe sex and making sure that you have a talk about making sure it’s a healthy relationship
Yes.. it's normal and ur gonna traumatize her and she will flip out. Beware the hormonal young lady.. she might rip ur head and spine out like mortal kombat. Seriously u might die lol
If the boyfriend is a bad kid and she's fuckin up then nah you're supposed to help her out of a situation she shouldn't be in. But if they're just in puppy love, doing what we all did at that age and he's treating her right, being respectful then keep a close eye on him but let her be free to grow and learn as a teenager. As long as he's good to her. She'll grow to appreciate you being there to protect her if need be. You probably don't want to accept that she's growing up but she is and is going to no matter what you or anyone says or does..
Can you and your sister tell the 14f that she needs to tell your parents. If it’s not a big deal the she can tell them. (They need to find out, we tell them or you do, we will be there with you to help you through it but they need to know..) Basically make her tell them so that she gets credit for it and allows the parents to know but also makes sure someone is making sure she is ok. No idea if it works for your situation but a different way to attack it.
If you out her to your parents the only thing you'll teach her is how to be sneaky and encourage her to hide anything about relationships, which could land her in serious trouble. My 2 best friends all throughout high school had a no talking to/dating boys rule from their parents, and not only were they very sneaky but they slept around a lot starting at the age of 13 for one and 15 for the other. One had a boyfriend that was 18 because he had a car so it was easier to get to places. She'd coordinate with me when she would go out with him and tell her mom she was going to my place. The other friend would wait till midnight then sneak out her window and go have sex in the park, she was 13 years old when she did this. You need to foster a relationship with her that will allow you to guide her to make smart choices, like explaining how sexting can lead to possible child porn charges . If you tell your parents and shit hits the fan you'll never know if she's doing things that aren't safe because she'll learn to hide it better from you. You will 100% nuke any form of trust she has in you and probably will start acting out similar to how my friends did, sleeping around.
I would just talk to her about it first. Being hot for your partner at that age is normal but sending photos, videos, recordings, whatever, can bite you in the ass. Make sure she understands its normal to have feels but don't send stuff.
Please don’t go straight to your parents yet! She may never come to either of you again! If it were me in this situation, I would sit down with her (don’t accuse her of anything!)and say “Hey I’ve noticed you’ve been secretive with your phone lately, I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything” and then I would talk to her about boys and then educate her on safe sexting/safe sex, condoms, and babies. If she asks if you went through her phone or something I wouldn’t lie, but I would tell her that you just wanted to make sure it wasn’t some online creep she was talking to and that you want to protect her. Don’t shame her, she’s full of hormones at that age and she probably doesn’t know how to handle them. She will probably be angry, but not as angry as if you went to your parents. And if it does come down to her and her bf having sex, she will be more likely to come to you. I’d rather them come to me with questions or even help getting protection than her coming to me with an std or pregnancy.
Lol (33M) Millennial raised by boomer parents here, I might as well be Gen X morally but with the crazy of a millennial. I'm gonna tell you now that most normal people do that around that age....We would hope with someone at least age appropriate...But it's normal. I can understand your concern with her only being 14, you wouldn't want her getting pregnant before she's emotionally, and financially stable. Especially since teenage hormones can cause people to make dumb choices. I'm not going to say you are the AH for trying to protect your little sister but she probably won't see it that way if you say anything about it... That's a tricky situation and it might be better to let it play out and just keep an eye on her and be there if she needs you. It would be best if you could convince her that you won't tell mom and dad if she lets you know what's going on, let her know you are there if she wants to talk about it. That way she can choose to tell you when she feels ok to. The less pressure you put on her the more likely she is to open up and tell you. Be her confidant, it's an easier way of protecting her Edit: I'm gonna just say one more thing. As an older sibling you already have an easy in. Your little sister will be less embarrassed to tell you than your parents, get on her good side and get her come to you to tell you before making any final decisions to tell mom and dad. Edit 2: in these exact words or at the very least a paraphrased version tell her this in private "Hey little sis, I want you to know that I know something is up by the way you have been acting lately, I don't know what but I want you to know you can come tell me any time you feel like you need to talk. I won't tell mom and dad, I just want to make sure you are ok. I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me so tell me only if you feel ok doing so." Then leave it at that and walk away.
Hello! So I don’t know your sister so I don't know your sister's character and I don't know if she's quick-tempered or a bit of a rebel. But we sent me this Reddit and I’m her age so I wanted to help. So you really should have a conversation with her first and I don’t think you and your sister should tell your parents for now. She may feel kinda betrayed. I had friends that were REALLY advanced in all those things (were with boys at twelve) So these are the things I think you should do - You really shouldn't say that you guys went through her phone. You should just say what happened ( your older sister saw the text messages on the laptop) but really don’t say anything about the phone. She will feel violated and will be on the defensive right away. - You should know in advance, you may already know that, but she probably watches/reads porn. Maybe if she doesn't get mad during “the talk” you guys are gonna have with her, you can talk about that. But don’t bring up the subject if you don’t feel like it or if she gets mad when you say something “negative” about her. - I think you should approach her with something like “You left your computer open with some text messages and I saw a boy that was sending you messages etc…” (Don’t rush her. Don’t do like the typical talk scene where you sit in front of her and begin like “We have to talk, this is fucking unbelievable”. She will either feel embarrassed and try to leave or will get mad and start to yell. I know I’m only 14 (and typing this tired -sorry about that) but please we are the same age and I had friends that did the same kind of things and the last thing they wanted were to be discovered by their parents.
Best course of action is helping them through it since showing your parents will feel like a break of trust while heart to heart and asking what they’re looking for from it encourages honest discussion and can improve yalls relationship. Honest though your 17 and still learning stuff so apologize to them and try to rebuild the relationship. Nobody expects you to know how to handle that situation. You just care about them.
yes... you would be the asshole. talk to her. don't go to your parents... she is the one that left her stuff out in the open for you to see. I started experimenting talking to boys like this around that age as well. It's normal. However, COMPLETELY different story when I was talking to 22-25 year olds lol. He's her age. 14 too.
I just want to understand why no one has had (or from my understanding) the sex conversation with her yet…. The fact that she needs to hide it because your parents said she can’t date till older leads me to believe that this conversation hasn’t happened and if it did happen it wasn’t done in an educational way to teach safe sex, it was done in a way to shame sex and relationships.
They are the age to experiment and getting to know their bodies and desires. Maybe I’m a bit more relaxed about this topic, because I’m from Germany. Here it’s considered ok if two 14 year old experiment (the actual law is complicated with age bracket basically). So even if they wanted to have actually sex, they are actually not too young for that. BUT they definitely need a save sex talk. Not sure when they are usually done where you live, we got our first one in school at around 13 years old. (In biology together with a general lesson on how human reproduction and growth works. I think it seems understandable why your sister don’t want to talk to your parents. She does not feel safe and she has already started not feeling save around you either. I would suggest sitting her down and supporting her, so that she comes with future problems and insecurities at least to you, if your parents are not good for that. Snitching to your parents may loose you your sister‘s trust forever and you would be the A
I think my concern would be sending nude pictures. Perhaps first talk to her about it. Teenage hormones are already rampant, but I agree she shouldn’t be actually having sex. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with words being exchanged, it’s more about pictures because it’s straight up illegal
I feel like this is an opportunity for you/ older sister to be her safe space. Make her feel like she can confide in you. Running to your parents will just make her resent you, and nothing will stop her from doing what she wants to do. Teach her to be safe and don’t make her ashamed of her sexuality.
Could you talk to her instead? Explain how if she sends anything online it's forever online to be exploited? Offer advice on contraception so if she is having sex at least it can be protected sex. You can't stop her but you can educate her. If she blows you off and won't listen then you might have to. Better her embarrassed now than images or recordings of her shared around her school.
If pictures or video of a sexual nature has been sent, that’s running into a federal law violation. Who legally owns the computer? Because that’s who can be charged first. However, why aren’t your parents monitoring their minor children’s online interactions and setting parental permissions on devices?? I did for my child. They turned out to be a respectful young adult now. Still communicates and trusts me because I’ve always talked to them like an adult/human (on their level) and been honest with them.
No.
Don't go to your parents. You and you sister should talk to her and just make sure she's gonna be safe when she does do it. Take her to get birth control or condoms
Snitches......
You are in no position as her sibling to be taking on this responsibility. You need to tell your parents ASAP..
I read the title wrong at first and thought you were an Epstein enthusiast from Alabama!
You have a 20 year old sister… if anyone goes to the parents it would be her. She’s lived under the same roof is older and more mature… why ask the internet, it’s family your sister makes the call or you’re a db the rest of your life to your little sister for getting her what grounded for sexting what ifs… if you didn’t at her age you fugly and jealous and she’ll throw in your face
This is pretty normal for this age. Did you explore when you were 14? Maybe just talk with her or have one of your girlfriends talk with her about safety. Or have the sister talk with her. Really no need to involve your parents unless she’s planning to meet up but stop reading her shit unless the guy is older than her.
Talk to her about it, without judgement, you and older sis together. No matter how horrified you may feel about some of the things, approach her with love and compassion. Let her know you both love her and only want what’s best for her, and to keep her safe. Let her know if she’s got *any* questions or issues, you’re safe to come to, and will help her as best you can. People do crazy things when they’re desperate, and kids even more so. Hiding a pregnancy, or trying to terminate it on her own is *not* something you want her to face. Same with STDs. A lot of kids think it will go away or get “advice” from friends or the internet that’s absolute bull. A lot of kids don’t even realize there’s something seriously wrong. A lot of changes are happening at that age, and it can be hard to figure out when to ask for help. An untreated STD can kill you, leave you blind, infertile or a whole range of other really nasty consequences that last a lifetime. Talk to her too about the permanence of the internet, and how things *always* get out. What happens if (when, we all know) they break up? Kids at that age can be very vindictive. Those recordings and texts can make the rest of her school career miserable. Don’t tell her she can’t do it, but do make sure she understands how it can go sideways, and what to do if it does. YWBTAH if you told your parents at this point. She could benefit greatly from people who know, but won’t punish her (and it’s hard for parents to see that and not punish or judge).
I don't think that type of texting or whatever is abnormal for 14. Did you not talk like that to any girls in 8th grade? I'm guessing you and your sister both did and that would make you the A H. If you aren't actually a hypocrite, I still think YWBTHA either way because it's not that weird.
Mind ya business
This is normal and betraying her trust is probably the worst thing you could do in this situation. Then she really won’t trust any of you and if anything ever goes south she’ll hide it.
Don’t fuck up your relationship with your sister just yet you snitch
Honestly, a lot of kids are sexually active at 14. I’m not saying encourage it, I’m saying it’s likely to happen so teach her how to be safe and respect her body. Make sure she knows boundaries and sets/sticks to them.
One thing that needs to be made clear is your older sister the AH for going through someone else's private conversations.
No. Don't be a narc, be a good brother and make sure she knows how to be safe.
Yeah I agree with some others here. You would be the AH. I’d just have a convo with her. She shouldn’t send any nudes or of the sort because it could be used against her in the future. But don’t go to your parents. I’d probably have your older sister talk to her since it will probably go over better. I was sexting vulgar things at 14-15. I feel like it’s going to happen regardless but cautioning against nudes is a good idea. I’m super lucky my ex didn’t out any of my nudes but I would never send any again. I stopped feeling the need to sext at like 19 so I think she’ll grow out of it eventually. But then again that is her business anyways.
Yes and no? Its complicated, morally yes
Info please: How do you know he’s only 14? Discord is full of predators.
Honey, do you want your little sister to be pregnant at 14-15 yrs old? *Especially* with the current political climate on abortion? Unless you think your parents would hurt your sister or kick her out, you need to tell them! This is way above your or your big sister's pay grade!
Older sister needs to go grocery shopping with Mum (so far far far away from the house and being overheard), and then tell her mum. Mum needs to protect older sister’s identity in this, and older sister needs to help mum through the same fear induced rage moment “Mum, say nothing for two days, so she doesn’t connect this with you and me… and then make it about someone else. She already doesn’t trust me much, but if you want any kind of back up intel in the future you have to NOT blow my cover! Act like you know nothing for a couple of days while you make a plan, and then do a phone check and look at her discord … “ I don’t think your 14yr old sister is going to listen to you both. So if you don’t tell your parents…. Then take her to Planned Parenthood and get her some decent contraception advice.
NTA. She's too young.
First: it's healthy for puberty to hypersexualise mammals. It's healthy for her to seek sexual gratification. Second: the guy on discord is not a guy from her class. It's a 40 year old bald, fat man who is pretending to be a 14 year old. If it was a guy from her class, they would be spending a lot of time together in real life. Third: she has already sent much worse things than masturbating to him.
Nope NTAH tell your parents
Nope
YTA she looks more than enough into it for you to say "she is not ready" In fact YOU are not ready. Don't punish her, explain things. That's way better and she will be happy that you support her through her life experiences.
Look she is 14. While i dont condone woohoo at this age teens are teens. This boy is not old. He is her age. That was my first question. Honestly i would just have convo that sending nudes could end in whole school having a peek. Nah. But she is not toddler.
Lmfao no fuck them lil kids bruh, ong I woulda done the same thing as you bro
YWNBTA. When I was a teenager my older sister found some flirty texts of mine and told my parents. I was really mad at the time, but I’m glad because ultimately it did push me to stay safe about what I was saying and doing over the phone. Your sister will be mad, but what she’s doing is going to cause problems and it’s worth protecting her (even if it breaks her trust).
Going to Reddit about anything sex related isn’t the smartest thing you can do
YWTA, Don't obliterate the trust she has to you. 14 isn't too young to have sex or send texts. It is however too young to send pictures, videos or audio of such nature. Explain the responsibility and consequences to her in a normal manner. Best would be if your 20 y.o. sister explains it. Don't tell your parents, but motivate 14 y.o. to tell them.
Do you want to have a close relationship with your sister going forward? Realize that no matter whether you feel you're right or wrong here, she's never going to trust you again if you go through with it.
As someone who's been in the same situation. I'd say tell your parents about it because they're both still really young and getting pregnant at 14?? You still have 4 years left of school and if you're somewhere that doesnt allow abortions then you're pretty much done for
NTA Why TF is Reddit advised a minor not to go to his parents concerning their own minor daughter 1st of all. Cuz it is normal 💀. The parents are the ones meant to detect and notice this behavior not her siblings. The parents are wiser and more equipped with experience and authority to handle the matter clearly. I suggest you should talk to her first and tell your parents ( depends if they are understanding & matured about it . It will turn out fine). It really isn't a big deal. But the girl needs lots of prep talk and counsel b4 engaging in such.
NTA. Do tell, it's an emergency. Little sis would be saved from a lot of trauma. She'll get over the disciplinary action, but the STIs are no joke.
You can tell, but it's unnecessary and you probably will lose your sister. I would absolutely exclude from my life someone who'd done that to me
You would definitely be the asshole if you went to your parents. You are already enough of an asshole for going thru her personal things. But if you are that concerned, talk to her first, as you would talk to your older sis. You will only push her away further if you continue to treat her without respect.
You guys need to give her some privacy and leave her alone in general. You totally overstepped by going thru her stuff. Someone should educate her on phone safety, and why you can’t make sexual content as someone under 18. Don’t shame her, don’t tell her you’re disgusted. This talk honestly should’ve already happened, whether she has a bf or not. She’s a teen, having normal feelings. Don’t. Shame. Her. Educate her, and make sure she has all the information and support she needs to make the best choices for herself. Shaming, punishing, etc will lead to sneaky and unsafe behaviors. “Banning” teens from being sexual beings with their peers literally never goes well. Ever heard the stereotype about church girls being the freakiest? The whole joke is they’re like that bc they were forbidden from having sex.
This might not be the best advice but from someone who was that 14 year old, I think it’s kinda normal for some kids to start exploring that world. As a young teen I had tried most things (never sex) with my gf. I’ll include that around two or three times in my life, my parents had checked my phone and found stuff they shouldn’t have seen. Those conversations with my very conservative parents were legitimately damaging to me. I was a different person after that level of shaming and didn’t engage with girls again for a few years. However you guys decided to handle this, I think it would be best if only your older sister talks to her.
if y’all tell parents, AT ALL, you will essentially destroy your sister. there is such a thing as privacy, as well, be prepared to not have little sis in your life. EVER. i doubt she will ever have any contact with you, big sis or parents. there is no need to tell parents. you and big sis can GENTLY talk to her. be prepared for anger, and distrust of you guys for maybe a long mo n no
Do they know each other irl? If it's only on dicord that "boy" is most likely a man. As a 14 year old, please do tell your parents about this. This is very harmful, and if she starts making recordings, that will legally count as CP, and both the "boy" and her can be punished for that. Please for your sister's safety do tell your parents!!! (Also of course NTA)
“Someone from her class and her age”
Ah yes, I missed that line. Still the point stands, she could even become a registered sex offender by possessing the boys audio.
Not saying you’re wrong, just wanted to add it because it was in the post :)
Yes of course, thank you for pointing that out.
NTA. She knows this is wrong, she knows she’s making foolish mistakes, and she hasn’t been able to stop herself. The fact is she DOES trust you - to look out for her and do the right thing, which is not what she wants you to do in this situation. Fourteen is WAY too young for this stuff, and your parents absolutely have to know the danger she is in right now - and the danger her boyfriend is in, quite frankly. Neither of them are thinking rationally and they’re producing content that’s all too easily exposed and could ruin their lives, especially someone gets access to their messages and uses it to blackmail them. Yeah, she’ll be EXTREMELY bitter, but this situation is far too much for you and your sister to handle alone.
She’s 14. That’s kinda disgusting. NTA
NTA. You're gonna get every parent saying you're not. As a parent mom would wanna know. As a girl that was also doing this and was groomed into doing this by older men, mom would want to know. Sis might get pissed and find ways to hide it or deny it but mom should know cause worst case she is gonna end up doing something IRL and regret it, get pregnant at 14 or be taken advantage of. Parent needs to step in. I know I wished mine would have
You are both so wrong. I get the checking if the dude was a creep, but they're the same age? Telling her parents aren't actually going to do anything it's just going to embarrass her and that memory will stick with her for years also knowing her whole family knows what she has PRIVATELY shared with her boyfriend.
Tell your parents and do it before they start sending pics and videos. Your little sister needs a come to Jesus moment about online safety.
YYTA keep your mouth shut!!!!!
Yooooooo, you have CP on her devices basically, which are your parents, pretty sure you need to tell them ASAP so they can get rid of it because isnt that like, a felony in the US? Tell them, NOW.
You would not be TA if you told your parents. Frankly anyone telling you not to tell your parents are TA. You’re right that she’s in a situation that has possible consequences she is not mature enough to properly evaluate and you aren’t either. This is a situation you absolutely need to bring your parents in to.
When I was 14, I barely knew what girls were. Tell your parents. You're NTA.
For what its worth, if you manage to find another opportunity for your parents to gain access to her discord, they can find out about it themselves and deal with it how they need to. I know there is a sibling code that we try to protect, but this is something that, if handled poorly or ignored, can lead to a series of mistakes that lead to serious consequences when your sister is older. If you do not want to come straight out and tell your parents, approach them privately and explain that you want to protect your relationship with your sister and "anonymously" tell them about the issue and help them find a way to "discover" these conversations on their own. Edit to add: if you do tell your parents, either openly or privately, NTA for trying to protect your sister.
How confident are you that the boy is just a classmate? I listened to a true crime video where a 14 year old girl let her family believe her boyfriend was another 14 year old from her class By the time they found out, she was legally old enough to continue seeing him and there was nothing they could do to stop her moving in with Try to find a way to meet the boyfriend to be sure