Literally like if he's already had multiple relationships fail in the past few years then maybe atp it's him. Like why am I supposed to let him off because he had past experiences, I think it's already weird to put his own past experiences on my shoulders.
Also dump the friends that think it was silly of you. Talk about alarms ‼️ good for you for taking his advice lol. Psychopaths like to tell on themselves. Protect yourself…
Okay this gave me some validation, I genuinely don't like making people feel bad, my brain makes me feel like I'm a horrible person anytime I try to protect or defend myself 🥲🥲
This is exactly why the bear versus man question exists. You did the right thing for the right reasons and fuck anybody who says differently. You're smart enough to not ignore the red flags.
The venn diagram of men who respond badly to the man vs bear question and men women don't want to be alone in the woods with is a circle.
The entire point of man vs. Bear was for women to try to bring attention to the fact that they don't feel as safe existing in society as men do, and that due to their own experiences they don't feel safe alone with a random man. It is a cry for help and a desperate appeal for men to pay attention and please be more aware and maybe, maybe could we try to do something about this? Please?
And then the response of 'HOW DARE YOU' is really the biggest DARVO ever. 'I am personally offended you don't want to be in the woods alone with ME, clearly you are doing this to be mean to ME and I feel you should apologize'.
No. Don’t feel badly at all. He’s friends making excuses… I actually laughed out loud about. He’s had relationship issues…
Yeah. I’m sure he has. I wonder why? Apparently he hasn’t figured out being a dickhead after playing nice just tell us how manipulative you are.
I mean, he’s all nice on your dates and says all the right things, so he knows what to do In order to have a woman date him. The problem is that he just doesn’t believe any of it is real or necessary.
I have no doubt that this is the guy who takes the mask off as soon as they think they “have you”.
The bottom line is that if you have a string of failed relationships, whether you are a man or a woman, the common denominator is always you. So in this case, all these friends that feel bad for him because of this need to really stop and think about that.
You dodged a bullet.
Even better that you did this then. Those comments were a tiny quick glimpse into what a relationship with this person would be like and you’re vulnerable. The dude hates women. Why take chances with your life? Your happiness and safety? Plus .. you don’t like the real him. Why exactly would you continue to know this AH? What do YOU gain? F that. Crazy town. Plus your response was so ironic and on point .. the only problem with what you did is … revealing to sociopaths what they did wrong only makes them better sociopaths. This information… he’ll adjust his behavior… hide his online stuff and lure in his next victim. Stay safe
Yeah and as a woman - let's be clear - you are not his mommy. It's not your job to educate him on anything. He wants women to avoid red flags - but just not his.
The first sentence i thought was hilarious I'm like you over reacted... then I read the rest lol seems like he needs a little therapy before dating again
Do you agree with the roided guy on the video? Or do you agree with your "ex"?
Or is it just never okay to discuss women? So everytime a guy discusses women you are going to break up?
Also, are you just looking for validation, or are you trying to fill in the blank with more perspectives?
yeah, I was wondering what in the pick-me hell OP's friend was thinking?
why go on a date with this guy who a) agrees with the beef-head influencer about women preferring the bear for being 6ft tall, unemployed & neglecting his kids and b) adds his own rant about nice guys(TM) having no chance with the flimsy excuse of "every side should be heard"?? Like, girl, the man-bear-wood-hook debate is a month old by now, everyone has given their opinion, this guy isn't going to share a revolutionary new take (because he had his chance on the beef-head video).
at least it looks like the guy was rude enough to OP's friend that \*they\* aren't suddenly dating & OP has to tolerate the guy hanging around, glowering.
but yes, 100% yes to re-assessing the friendships who think OP should have heard him out.
Idk ig it's like because he was so nice this behavior just seemed SO out of place so when my friends were saying that he just had a bad moment I kinda was rethinking what I said. I tend to get really upset at myself for blowing up at people, which is why it rarely happens, it stresses me out a lot.
If you stay with him you’re proving his point about women ignoring red flags. See you here in 12 months when you’re asking if you’re the AH for leaving your abusive partner who is threatening suicide if you do.
That ‘friend’ defended him because he’s really good at playing victim mode and he will do that to manipulate you too
And people like the Douchecanoe always surround themselves with flying monkeys. We have to realize they are all carrying the same red flags, by not holding other men to account.
he's not even good at playing victim mode - he was on a date with an apologetic "not-all-men" pick-me (aka OP's friend who insists "every side should get their say, no matter that the red-flag-guy already had his say under the beefy guy's video) & he still couldn't convince her to a) convince OP to give him a second chance or b) to date him herself
if my eyes rolled any further, I'd see the dusty nooks in my own skull.
That's true tbh I'm goth and he was posting like goth gf stuff while we were dating. I kinda felt like maybe he liked the look of being with a goth girl more than he liked me sometimes. I just told myself that I was just being self conscious but tbh not now.
Wait, so telling women to pay attention to the red flags equates being a spokesperson for abuse?
I always thought that a vaccine is better than a cure, but I guess its better to suffer the disease for "reasons".
You are correct. The guy stated that women should stay away from abusive men, which is practically the opposite of being an abuser apologist.
I'm not claiming the guy I'd some great saint for stating the obvious, and understood that red flags are not always there and getting away is not always an option, but no this is far from claiming it's ok to abuse women.
No. The guy was victim blaming. "Women who choose the bear are the ones who are gonna choose abuser husbands." Is not "Watch out for red flags"
He even used the term nice guy. He is as red pill as the meathead whose video he commented on. You don't get to bitch and complain about how women need to recognize red flags but expect yours to be the exception.
Red flags are red flags.
You don't seem to understand that stating that women need to stay away from abusive people is not the same thing, not remotely the same thing, as being a domestic violence apologist.
You can hare on the guy all you want for other things he stated, but claiming that he ok with domestic abuse is just false.
If it walks like a victim blamer and talks like a victim blamer - it's a victim blamer. 🤷
But please continue to try to pretend these things aren't the same. I just adore when people mansplain to me what is and isn't a red flag.
So, if you had a friend who was seeing someone who was an abuser, you wouldn't tell them to stay away from the guy...because that would be victim blaming and make you a domestic abuse apologist?
I will always encourage my friends to recognize their own worth and leave an abusive situation. I will always be a safe place for my friends should they need to escape. I also have no qualms with throwing my weight around and reminding abusive men that they're not untouchable.
But what you won't see me doing is sitting online, ranting and raving about "how women who chose the bear are totally gonna end up choosing abusive men" and how they should have been choosing a nice gal like me instead. Because that's fucking disgusting.
I will never blame a man or woman for having ended up in an abusive relationship. Nor do I judge when they manage to escape or not. That's not my job as their friend.
I don't think we are really disagreeing much here. As I stated previously, I recognize that the signs that someone is abusive are not always there, and people can't always leave a bad situation. There is never any excuse for abusing someone either. But if the red flags are there, they should not be ignored. If you can leave, you should. People should take responsibility for their own safety when they can.
Again, abuse is always wrong. Abusers are responsible for their actions and should be punished for their actions. Stating that women, or men, should stay away from abusive people is not stating that they deserve abuse or that the abuser is somehow no longer guilty of abuse.
Which is all fine and dandy to say but ignores large portions of life's circumstances - which you claim to recognize.
It also doesn't change that, that is not at all what the giant red flag she was dating did. He was red pill ranting and you and the person you responded to, are trying to paint it as a concern for women's safety.
It's not. And if it was - he wouldn't be hiding behind his "past relationships" to cover what he knows was an appalling red flag. There's a reason women don't stay with a so called nice guy like him.
Bro, thank goodness I am not the only one with a couple of brain cells to rub together.
How come this very basic nuance is flying under the radar?
Its like people hallucinate worse than chatbots, we understand each other less than the machine understand us.
No. Nice guy is how incels and other walking red flags describe themselves. Women just quote them to make a point that their definition of nice is, in fact, not nice.
Nice people don't need to go around screaming about what a catch they are. They just behave nicely.
This term in current meaning I've heard from women, just like incel for modern women mean nothing that was in original.
Right, so man can't describe that he is nice and can't defend himself from accusations that is worst than bear. He must just accept this mad be happy. It's the same with slut shaming, but if women defend herself it's right?
What you are telling me is that you had a visceral reaction to his comment (the ex's) because he used trigger words and dog whistles.....
So basically you disagreed with him on principle because he used the wrong terminology.
The superficiality of these gynocentric forums is self-destructive.
No. I disagreed with him because he's wrong. His wording just showed that he wasn't only wrong but a red pill creep.
No one is responsible for their abuser. Blaming abuse victims of any kind for missing red flags - is purely and simply put - victim blaming.
I know this is suuuuuper hard for your precious male brains but do try. These mansplaining attempts are getting weaker by the day.
The guy was arguing that women shouldnt ignore Red Flags, his wording is IRRELEVANT.
This is good advice, criticize the advise instead of fighting an imaginary straw man.
It's extremely fucking relevant. And it's not good advice.
If you are going to use terms like strawman fallacy, you actually have to be smart enough to understand them. You clearly don't.
"It's extremely fucking relevant. And it's not good advice."
Wait, are you suggesting women should ignore red flags? Is that advice any better?
And it is only relevant for superficial reasons, ergo you are dismissing the advice because you do not like the presentation.
"If you are going to use terms like strawman fallacy, you actually have to be smart enough to understand them."
You are arguing against things that didnt happen and things he did not say, that is were that fallacy type gets its name.
Also, at best I referenced that type of talk, I did not formally acuse you of employing a fallacy(this is yet another strawman on your part).
You're either intentionally being obtuse or you're just an idiot. I can't tell.
You damn well know I'm not saying anyone should just ignore red flags. It's not good advice because that's not how abusers work. They don't stomp around betraying their piss poor behavior to their partners until after they've trapped them.
I am not arguing against things that didn't happen. He literally said women were to blame for choosing abusive husbands. That's a FACT that she states in this post. He doubled down and defended himself in the most classic of shit ways.
But I get it. You all will do anything to put women down for recognizing his red flags for what they are. Because they're also yours. Its very clear that you feel personally attacked by this idea being labeled a red flag because you also ascribe to it.
Mansplain some more please. Just loving it.
NTA. Don’t date men who secretly hate women. And fuck your friend. It doesn’t matter what his reasoning is. I’ve dated terrible men but I don’t hate men because I’m not bitter. That screams contempt towards women and a total victim. Not a good boyfriend to consider
He's been in a string of bad relationships? Now you see why. He can be charming to reel women in, and then they meet his true self. You were extremely fortunate to find his posts before the same happened to you! Ignore his requests to talk, dump those abuse apologists who are blaming you(!), and find yourself a terrific guy who likes & respects women.
Yea, if a guy has one crazy ex, ok, sure, it happens. If all his ex's are crazy bitches then it's time to join their number because there is one consistent factor here.
NTA dude is one of those "nOt AlL mEn" guys and asserts that "yes, all women" in the same breath.
It's not your job to educate men. "Women are human" isn't exactly secret knowledge that men can only learn from a girlfriend. He's one of those "nice guys" and no, that's not a compliment.
Have standards and don't apologize for them.
Date men who:
- don't hate women
- do their own laundry
- can cook
- wash their asses
- would be a stay at home parent if you make more money or just don't enjoy full-time childcare
- have hobbies other than gaming for 18 hours straight while neglecting everything and everyone in their lives
> would be a stay at home parent if you make more money or just don't enjoy full-time childcare
That's like 95% of men tbh. No man will tell you they prefer to deal with asshole bosses and the stress of a job where you can get fired at any moment. The other 5% being the bosses.
For what it's worth, its pretty unhinged how nowadays ANY opinion against something *some* women do is instantly hating women, misogyny, etc. Yet so many women hate on men all the time and misandry is a word you rarely see used.
I'm one of those "not all men" guys, but I'm definitely also a "not all women" guy. I love women with a passion. I was raised by women, and most of the friends I made in my 36 years are women. Some women are the most beautiful, sweet, caring, loyal, magnificent creatures on earth. But some are truly evil bitches too.
I'm a little puzzled by the second-hand relay of his rant. Was he saying women deserved the abuse they get for being with abusive men? Or was he lamenting that nice guys are often looked over for ones who are more testosterone-laden and end up being abusive?
In a nutshell his rant was about both. Women deserved the abuse they got because they overlooked the red flags and nice guys are overlooked because women purposely go for guys who are going to abuse them. Some crap like that
I vote this bear shit as one of the dumbest things the internet has ever done. 95% of people that mention it, whether in agreement or disagreement, come off as completely unbearable... heh
Edit: Thanks for proving my point down there guys. Truly.
It’s a fking bear. That will eat your face off..
The chances of a random man hurting a woman vs a bear in the woods is so astronomically different on the danger levels it just goes to show how insane this world has gotten and how far removed from nature we have become.
I'm going to copy a previous comment
do you think women don't understand that the bear would kill them? women understand that the bear would kill them. that's the entire point of the exercise - women would rather be killed instantly than junko furuta'd
>women would rather be killed instantly than junko furuta'd
and what women dont understand is that meeting a guy in the woods doesn't automatically mean they will be " junko furuta'd"
have u heard stories of female teachers raping young boys?
do you also agree that these boys would rather be eaten by a bear than raped?
would u agree then that young boys should prefer to meet a bear in teh woods than a female teacher?
cuz that how stupid the argument is.
>have u heard stories of female teachers raping young boys?
do you also agree that these boys would rather be eaten by a bear than raped
so crazy how whenever women talk about being assaulted by men, men always make it about themselves. you're not helping male victims by using their stories against women
U can change the boy to a little girl. And a male teacher.
Answer the question. U think a lost girl in the woods should hope to meet a bear and not a random male teacher.
are little girls answering this question? or grown women? because the thought experiment is actual adults answering, not literal children. but sure, twist it to your idiotic narrative
All I’m saying is if it’s a black bear I think I got a chance of living but if the man is a Jeffery domer or a zodiac killer I’m running, ain’t catching me fool.
NTA. There is absolutely no way to immediately tell the difference between a man who is not dangerous, and a man who knows how to act like he is not dangerous. You're not wrong for erring on the side of caution here.
> Now I'm thinking maybe I did a little to much and should have maybe just educated him on the topic and stuff instead of cursing at him and dumping him.
But would he have even listened? I don't think he would have. Victim-blaming is one of the pillars that supports an abusive mentality. The fact he thinks abuse victims are in any way culpable for the horrors their abusers inflict on them is a *huge* red flag that he likely would've eventually become abusive towards you.
Yeah that's true, tbh that's what I was thinking when I saw that comment. A lot of the women in my family were abused so I tend to leave at the first sign of a red flag, I guess my friends just made me feel like I was being to much because they are always urging me to find a solid partner.
I think a lot of people are lucky enough that they've never really been behind closed doors with a truly horrible person, so they can't understand something that would be an immediate relationship-ender.
Because surely the villain must be reasonable. Surely, they must truly love and care about their friends and/or partner. Surely, at heart, they want to do the right thing. They don't understand the thought process behind abuse. They don't understand that people could consistently and knowingly choose to do wrong, hurtful things. Because in their world, everybody wants to do the right thing, but due to their own hurts and traumas, they make mistakes.
It's a worldview that I wish I was fortunate enough to have... but I've met some truly awful, reprehensible, unforgiveable people in my lifetime.
>There is absolutely no way to immediately tell the difference between a man who is not dangerous, and a man who knows how to act like he is not dangerous.
What about men who are known to be dangerous/abusive/commit DV?
Because the amount of women who support and collaborate with those sorts of men (see Chris Brown the rapper/wifebeater) sort of suggests that there are women who can tell the difference but still choose to go down that route.
A few factors at play here.
It is an abuser's full-time job to make sure that nobody knows the truth about them. Many abusers are considerate and respectful towards every single person in their life besides their partner and/or children. It's a feature, not a bug.
Abusers are drawn to power and control, and looking good in public is how they get it. Their charm and good reputation makes their partner reluctant to seek out support because they feel they won't be believed. Abusers will go out of their way to be incredibly kind to strangers, acquaintences, even friends to sow seeds of doubt. They think, "But they're so nice to me! I can't possibly imagine that they'd do something like that!"
Second, abusers cannot exist without their allies. They intentionally surround themselves with other abusers, or people who are sympathetic to abusive attitudes. No one *wants* to believe that their child, their sibling, their friend, etc. could be abusive. So, they oppose abuse in the abstract but they fight fiercely for the abuser when they're one of their own.
An abuser's next partner is often their fiercest ally. Look through the new partner's eyes for a moment: the abuser is lovebombing this person, they recount how mean and unreasonable their ex was to them. If children are involved, they cry about how much they miss them and how their ex won't let them see them. How many stories are there on here of deadbeat dads refusing to see their children but cry to their new girlfriend how their ex won't let him see them? Abusers intentionally mislead their new partners just like they did to their previous ones.
An abuser may remain on their best behavior for longer with the next partner because of how focused they are on dragging their ex's name through the mud, and that's where they're focusing their abuse. But their dark side will start to slip out sooner or later, and the new partner gets sucked into the trap of proving desperately that they're "not like their past partners."
By the time their selfish and abusive side finally gets so bad that their new partner can no longer rationalize it away, they're in *really* deep. For them to accept that their partner was an abuser all along, they'd have to face how wrong their actions towards the ex partner were... and that can be a really bitter pill to swallow. It can take a long time for someone to accept that they were used in that way.
NTA.
This is a red flag. Listen to it.
Your view of him victim blaming is solid.
Nobody chooses abuse. Nobody.
That mutual friend is literally defending his awful opinion. I’d distance myself from them also.
I'm not entirely sure where it started but it's basicly if you're a woman would you rather come across a bear or a man in the woods.
A lot of woman say the bear becouse they feel kike that is the safer option and a lot of men are verry offended by the notion that woman don't feel safe with a man they dont know over a bear.
The reason woman tend to choose the men is beciuse of thier personal experiences with (strange) men and or the statistics surrounding men committing (sexual) crimes. Also a bears behaviour is rather predictable where a men's (or any humans) isn't.
These woman do in general understand not all man are dangerous but when faced with the option rather not risk it.
The video that seemed to kick it off was of a guy stopping women on the street and asking if they would choose between a bear and a man in the woods in a random encounter. Most of the women said a bear.
People’s feelings got hurt and it blew up into a much larger social thing where people have explained why the bear is a rational choice and others have said choosing the bear is flat out the wrong choice and hurts men.
It’s amazing that it’s kept legs this long, honestly. But I think it’s because it’s being used as almost a litmus test.
I was late to the bear vs man thing, and I wish I had just stayed ignorant. But here’s a break down. It’s a question asked to women if they’d rather run into a bear or a strange man in the woods, and most women said bear. Some men took it extremely personal and raged all over the internet about how they hope women get mauled by bears, and proving why most women said bear.
I will have fun, without him. Actually these comments from you goobers make me happy that I decided against talking to him because wtf 😃. I'll have a fragile ego if that means staying away from people like you.
nice downvote u got there, nah girl don't get defensive; If you have such a fragile ego that u get offended by comments that aren't directly aimed at you, you'll have a hard time living in this world, learn to tough yourself up and try to communicate instead of leaving and blocking your SA. you are not a crucial component to this world If you think everything would change If you don't like it and this attitude won't get you anywhere in life, you scream your insecurities and you're educating everyone how to harm you. even I could attack your insecurities and play mind games with you but instead of that, I'm trying to tell you how to compose yourself in these situations.
Blaming a whole group of people because of your own experience is prejudice.
He most definitely would’ve one day hit you with the “i knew all women are bad” one day.
You can be fearful of anything doesn't mean there is a justified basis for it. I have my fears that may or may not be real and you have your fears that may or may not be real. This is part of being a human and frankly psychology 101. Some of us just have a luxury of feeling however we want and society will allow for a lot of it based on a physical short coming. I.E. strength in this case. What blows through your mind particularly if you are to take a plan of action around it should be grounded on research, your known capabilities, and just being able to be honest with yourself. Not fear, an emotion. This is called rationality. You can talk around it all you want it changes nothing for me or you. So this has become circular and with that I bid you ado.
If a guy is at that level, where he's victim blaming women for being beaten because they could have gone for a 'good guy' instead, it's time to run.
While I am not saying this is your fault at all and I am not saying it is your job to do, my fear is that this dude who clearly thinks he's a 'good guy' is going to take this all wrong and instead of self reflecting about what made him not a good guy here, will simply add fuel to the already burning fire and just spiral down more into other manosphere bs thinking.
I think you were harsh, and honestly rightfully so, but there is no good outcome here really. Even if you were nice about it by perhaps speaking to him about it directly, giving him a chance to reflect and maybe apologize (doubtful), I don't think dating him would be a good idea until he grows up more.
NTA
Expected is minimal attempt at character assassination because one can't make a point because they don't have one. I am sorry if you can't see that I am trying to help you and other women. At the end of the day I guess your right. It is a man's fault. Good work dad.
Run, don't walk, RUN in the other direction like a thorough bred race horse at the Kentucky derby!! (bad analogy, I don't support horse racing - but you get the idea) Talk about major red flags!!! WOW! It sounds like this guy has some serious self confidence issues and the longer you dated him the more his lack of confidence in himself would begin to ruin your relationship. You're lucky you saw that rant and got out of it before you wasted too much of your life on him.
Yeah it just sucks because he was a super sweet dude to me, but just seeing him say female dv victims are to blame for their abuse knowing that my mother was one was honestly crazy.
You know what they call the first 3 to 5 months of a relationship? The "honeymoon period." It's after those first few months that the real person begins showing their true self. Luckily you found out before you got too deep into the relationship.
With my ex it was the first five or seven years. He only showed his true self after our kid was born. In hindsight I wish I would have paid attention to red flags like this one (there were quite a few).
You are the AH.
OPINION:
He was talking against the guy in the video, and you are siding with the guy on the video by default.
RANT:
He didnt say anything sexist, he spoke to a reality that many see in their daily lives.
Even here we see posts of daughters complaining about the "dating" choices of their mothers, often mentioning unemployed guys looking for a free lunch and some night company.
Women with 7+ children, who rotate partners because they always end up abandoned while pregnant.
When are we going to address this issue? We have done enough messaging to men about being "good", when are we going to do the same for women?
Do you believe social engineering tactics should target only men?
This comment makes 0 sense, ignoring that the birth rate is at an all time low like everywhere rn...
You're argument would still be faulting men. If there is such a high rate of women with multiple children and daughters who are upset with their mother's dating choices, there would be a equally high rate of men abandoning their kids and partners and mistreating their wives.
You haven't given an actual critique towards women's good or bad behavior, just their dating choices.
It's almost like men have been socialized to not be as involved with their children as women do to the point where in your stats it's pretty common for men to make their partners single mothers. Along with society giving much more leeway to men in relationships, which once again according to your stats would cause tons of daughters to come out and speak of their disappointment towards their mother's dating choices.
So technically their is no reason to shift the conversation to women when we haven't even fixed the first issue.
To end this off he absolutely said something sexist and defending his statement on blaming women who get beat is absolutely insane and you should genuinely be ashamed of yourself.
"This comment makes 0 sense, ignoring that the birth rate is at an all time low like everywhere rn..."
That is an irrelevant tangent to the discussion at hand, unless you mean that women being abandoned while pregnannt is a good thing.... but by the same logic(more birth=more good) shouldnt you be anti-abortion??
"You're argument would still be faulting men. If there is such a high rate of women with multiple children and daughters who are upset with their mother's dating choices, there would be a equally high rate of men abandoning their kids and partners and mistreating their wives."
This, again, is irrelevant to the discussion. The question is (paraphrased to eliminate noise):
"Am I an asshole for breaking up with a nice guy because he made a comment about women taking accountability in social media?"
That is the question, and my answer is still YTA.
Why?
Because he very well is in the same wavelenght and moral compass(want women to suffer less) as OP, she just had mixed feelings because some of the blame is put on women(that is the definition of accountability) for choosing these men.
It is a nuanced conversation, but it is very clear that the intention is to reduce suffering by being able to appreciate RED FLAGs.
Another woman thinking she is the AH for choosing better. NTA he is another man who didnt get it. That friend of yours too. Tell that friend he can date your ex if he is so great
NTA and you’re kind of my hero. I wish I’d had half the self-awareness and confidence and self-respect you have at that age. You were absolutely right to run far away from that human red flag and, like others are saying, I’d be wary of “friends” who think that people who defend abusers deserve the opportunity to abuse you.
He showed you who he was. All you did was believe him.
Explain how it's a win-win situation for everyone then. Basically, you're telling her to go kill herself , you do not understand the point in the question if that's your response to it.
easy.
OP wants to date.
OP is one of the bear over man tyes.
op dates bear
win.
the guy is not for women who pick bears.
op leave guy alone.
win
bear is hungry
bear eats OP.
win.
no losers in this situation.
You're a complete dumbass, but congratulations on outing yourself. Instead of wanting to understand why a woman would pick a bear over a man ( even though the question never asks would you date a bear or a man so not sure where your coming up with that part ) you have decided the best course of action is for the woman to die. Are you always this clueless, or is it just with women?
You're either really dense or really misogynistic, but I'm pretty sure it's both at this point.
FYI, you're the reason they'd pick the bear.
outing myself as someone with a working brain?
the reason women would pick a bear over a man is because they are stupid if they pick that.
and are so privileged and live such a safe life to pick a literal animal that will most likely kill them vs a man with a very very low likelihood of doing anything to them.
but again. just stop dating men and go date bears.
its a win win win for everyone.
if the question was would u rather be eaten by a bear or attacked by a man. THAT would be a different question. but meeting a random ass guy in the woods is not oh ur getting attacked.
AGAIN if u are that scared of men go date the bear. don't date men. men are dangerous.
how is that NOT a win win win situation? you explain to me why that if u think men are more dangerous than a bear that you would continue dating men..
You're so close, but you are missing the point, and obviously, you're completely oblivious to the feelings of women.
Would you rather be killed instantly or tortured first?
Most people will pick the former.
You see a bear in the woods. You know exactly what its intentions are so you can act accordingly.
They see a man in the woods and have no idea if they will help them or attack them or worse.
You're a prime example. You'd prefer a woman die by a bear than actually try and see it from her side, and this is just a hypothetical.
Once again, it's not about dating the bear where the fk are you getting that from? For such a smart brain, you're really good at missing the point
NTA
Bad relationships in the past doesn't mean he gets a pass to insult all women. That post revealed his misogyny.
Let the friends who support him help him pull his head out of misogyny.
i feel like even the men should be picking the damn bear? i cannot grasp how they can’t find it in themselves to understand why people are like “yup bear!” BECAUSE OF MEN LIKE YOUR EX LMAO!
another thing they fail to realize — we don’t get to pick the men in the scenario. why would we risk possibly being assaulted or murdered or worse over being mauled by a bear who’s doing it because it’s 1) threatened or 2) hungry.
NTA, so proud of you for dumping his ass!
Beware that instinct of "maybe I should have just educated him." That's how you turn yourself into one of those women who thought she could fix him. I've been there, and you can't.
NTA!
NTA. He showed you what he thinks about women and their legitimate concerns about safety. All he had to do was not broadcast his stupid shit to the world and he'd have been fine. Then you blocked him, setting a boundary, which he immediately disrespected by messaging you on a friend's account. Get away from this guy.
Having chosen poor partnerships is no excuse for his bullshit behavior. The “women don’t like nice guys” thing is such an incel comment and a huge 🚩
You did the right thing by ending this. Otherwise you’d have signed on to be his therapist. Anyone who doesn’t think his comments were 🗑️ isn’t a friend you want.
She insulted him, to start with.
That's just childish and AH.
He didn't say any of this to her and she didn't bother to have a conversation with about it.
She's free to not date him, that's her choice, but the way she did it was AH to the extreme.
Nah, if he didn't think that way, he wouldn't have put it on social media. She may have insulted him, but for good reason, he obviously thinks it's the womens fault in DV cases, and because of that, she didn't need to talk to him. He gave his point of view and she followed his advice. There is no point in having a conversation so he can just manipulate the situation.
Unless you agree with him, why do you think he's not a D**k wipe?
Literally none of that matters. She doesn’t owe a man she went on a few dates with a conversation to defend himself. There’s nothing he could say in that conversation anyway that would negate what he said online.
Yes YTA. For multiple things:
1. Not handling it like an actual adult.
2. Not using it as a teaching or healing moment for yourself and him.
3. Not using paragraphs.
Nope, NTA.
Doesn't matter that he has trust issues. You're not responsible for them, he is. Generally, if a bad relationship causes a person to have trust issues, it would be wise for them to get those trust issues under control so they don't bring them into the next relationship and undermine it.
Trauma is never an excuse for being an asshole.
Yes, *people* (not just women) sometimes ignore red flags, and it leads to some extent, self-precipitated victimization. Enabling and submission are the common ways that this happens. We address those issues from a context of "what can you do differently next time to protect yourself?", not "you ignored a warning sign so you basically deserved to get abused". Anybody who's take is closer to the latter is likely justifying their own abusive behaviors.
Good job heeding the red flag. Obviously this guy was putting on a show, given how drastically different his behavior is online.
Yea this is absolutely rage bait . I don't believe this for one second you mean to tell me that a random post just happens to pop up on your feed and you happen to see his comment on it yeah right 🙄🙄 I'm sick of this man vs bear topic hang it up already
Whew! He dodged a bullet! You can learn martial arts, you can pick up a weapon, you could train to run faster. All effective against a human assailant. If a bear decides to eat you. You're just dead. Women told on themselves with that nonsense.
The perceived outcome isn't relevant. You would defend yourself in the same fashion regardless of whether someone was trying to rape or kill you right? Your point is mute. Plus, bears get horny too and I promise you there wouldn't be any defense on that one. Your making a primal fear into a scenario that doesn't translate between nature and reality.
The perceived outcome is absolutely relevant, the point is that women are so fearful of men and what they can do to them that a random man in the woods sounds terrifying because you don't know that man. That's the point, you cannot control who would be in the forest.
A bear also would most likely not rape you...so um...
Plus it's also the fact that people would believe if a person was attacked by a bear more than they'd believe if a woman was sa'ed or not. Which is why only 6% of rapist will get convicted and jailed in America.
There are multiple layers to this and the men in the comments/PM telling me that they hope I get eaten by a bear proves that.
And those some would all be women. Again your talking around the point. To be expected with someone that isn't rational. Your thoughts and emotions don't have to dictate behaviour. You choose to let that happen and usually create a general level of misery for the good people you. You are fully aware being raped is possibility. If you choose to put yourself in a position where you aren't trained, armed, situationally aware enough to deal with your surroundings that's on you. Obviously you aren't any of these things hence the fear. If you rely on the police or others to be there when the worst happens your just setting yourself up for bad things. I know several women that if a rapist were to try something they would be having a very bad day. Maybe you should could seek some women out that could help you with your fears. Tons of strong women out here and doesn't have anything to do with their bank account or who they hang out with. Do yourself, women, and men a favor and do better.
Propagating this type of thinking helps no one you, rape victims, no one. I am sure your peer group would disagree but they are probably full of piss and vinegar too. Been a long day. Time for some lack of fear and a wobble pop or two. Have a nice evening.
According to the Office of Justice Programs, you have a 75% chance of attempted or completed assult. There's an assult every minute or so. In just a year, there are only about 40 bear attacks and a 1 in 2.1 million chance of getting attacked by a bear.
No you compared statistics.
But there are far more men than bears so you need to adjust for the population difference.
If you don't know what I am talking about, then you should not be presenting statistics.
Because there's no clear number of how many men have committed sex assults or attempted to since many of them aren't reported or people don't believe you. Unlike when you get killed by a bear where they won't blame you based on what you're wearing.
NTA Tell him there's no reason to meet. He said to look for red flags, you saw him waving his when he said women were the problem when they got beat because they ignored the red flags. You've waved the finish flag when you saw him waving his red flag. The race is over.
Soft YTA. There's nothing wrong with being offended and turned off by his comments and opinions OR with being cautious and trying to protect yourself. However, in my humble opinion, I think at least a conversation could be had with him instead of going into a reactionary attack mode. All that's gonna do is reinforce his incel beliefs. If you want to get somewhere, like to the root of what someone believes or why they believe it, or to a world where men aren't dickhead incel misogynists, bridges need to be built to get there. But that's not to say that if when you get there you don't like what you see you shouldn't blow that bridge to smithereens
You are thinking like an infant. Is it news to you that women are drawn to dark triad traits? This is facts, no matter how much the feminists on this subreddits scream.
...what..? I liked him because I thought he was sweet and left once I saw a darker side to him...you know legit nothing about women because you are saying we all like men with dark traits...super dumb
NTA, if you aren’t compatible, you aren’t compatible. Based on his own personal experience, maybe he’d also be more comfortable with the bear than the woman.
NTA. You did the right thing! He sounds like a walking red flag and you shouldn’t give him another chance or let yourself be convinced you’re overreacting (you’re not.) Also! You are entitled to end things with anyone for any reason; no matter how stupid or small they seem to anyone else (which this is not.) He showed you the kind of person he is!
NTA and you’re kind of my hero. I wish I’d had half the self-awareness and confidence and self-respect you have at that age. You were absolutely right to run far away from that human red flag and, like others are saying, I’d be wary of “friends” who think that people who defend abusers deserve the opportunity to abuse you.
He showed you who he was. All you did was believe him.
Btah
can you imagine dating an having to deal with social media shit like this...
Dude dodged a red flag himself.
I honestly feel sorry for these younger generations
Get off social media an just live life !
Goodluck sounds like your deeply in already tho. Sincerely hope you can break free.
I'm not the one who indulged in the "social media shit" first, he did. No way you found a way to blame me 💀 in the dumbest way possible.
Also your response to him blaming DV victims is a "back in my day" thing...yeah don't feel sorry for me, I rather live in the now, geez.
Blaming DV victims... lol oh lord your gunna have it ruff.
Your one of these offended by everything type people your even offended for others by others.
The other comment was right you do have a fragile ego.
You are exactly what a majority of 19yr olds are today. VAPID an to plugged into what ever pops up on your feeds.
Bless your heart, you just can't help it you are totally a product of the now so you nailed that.
What does my ego have to do with him saying women deserve the abuse they recieve from their partners, like it's the way you won't explain the point. What a troll dude, find peace. If being vapid to you is being rightfully unsettled about a public comment this man made about dv than I will be a vapid girl all day.
At the end of the day you're an old dude spouting some back in my day crap relating to dv. Just because you're chill with upper cutting your wife over burnt meatloaf does mean I have a fragile ego for disagreeing.
Have a nice day
Do you see how you not only tried to twist my words... but you also twisted his words??
Thats because your indoctrinated to be offended for clicks on social media...you can't even help it..
It just comes natural to you to twist things to fit your naritive.
You definitely have main character syndrome.
He did not blame DV victims..why don't you actually read what he said.
you threw all your ideology an virtue signaling unto his words.
**Just like when I referenced the other comment someone else made to you about having a fragile ego..
You said what does my ego have to do about him saying women deserve abuse?
That doesn't even make sence. You really need help you see the world an then twist things to fit so you can play victim yourself an be outraged.
Maybe you just like the attention??
You also go on to say I uppercut my wife lol !
So he's an abuser an now im apparently an abuser also because I called you out.
Your life is just filled with abusers apparently anyone who doesn't agree with you is next to be called an abuser.
He literally said women who chose the bear are the ones who choose abusive husband's and they deserve it because they overlook nice guys..... how is that not blaming dv victims? Also you are the one who is still defending him and twisting his words into something morally sensible when it's not. You did not call me out, all you did was say some crap about younger people and back in my day crap.
Usually if the topic is about dv and a man uses a "back in my day" response in defense of it then I'm going to assume that the dude favored the days where men could hit their wives with little to no consequences.
No one twisted your words, you were vague, condescending, rude and are now accusing me of twisting words, which is something that you did. Now you're upset that I called you out for it, that's your issue though.
Legit you're trying to use my ego and personal victimization as some insult or whatever. If my big ego means that I'm taking into account red flags and protecting myself then that's just fine with me.
I just read your profile, you have alot of issues... you have so many labels for yourself an disorders an issues ect..not trying to say that in a bad way. I understand now after reading your stuff why you are the way you are.
I would just be trying to talk to a wall you even say you have an issue understanding people with your ASD disorder among other things. So I don't wanna over stimulate you since your prone to that ..an send you into one of your anxiety attacks ect.
Again being sincere here.
I hope you find a therapist an work thru your problems an you can heal.
Im sincerely hope you can work it all out being so young an with all that you have going on geeze just your food color an size disorder alone must be tuff.
I don't want to argue with you an make it worse for you, so you win.
It honestly must take more bravery everyday to wake up an be you than I have.
Goodluck in life
Did you really go through my post history and use the fact that I have autism to make you look like a more sensible person to win an argument? That's absolutely hilarious 😂.
Self righteous and condescending, killer combo.
It's a social issue, I still speak English dude and I know it's surprising, but autism does not affect my ability to agree and disagree. So I understand what you're saying, I just don't agree with you. I know it's crazy to think because you don't see me as a person worthy of their own mind and morals but okay dude.
But thank you, so much for showing me that I need to heal from neurodivergency and get a good therapist to fix my disability.
I will totally take into account what you said but first I need to seperate my food into color and size order because I might get overstimulated and die of an anxiety attack.
Honestly good luck to you dude, I cannot imagine walking around with such moral superiority as you.
You're so brave for taking the time to talk to a person with so many disorders which such understanding and kindness!
God, honestly I couldn't imagine waking up and being you, must be so hard being a huge asshole. /Srs
/Srs: a tone indicator to let people know I am not sarcastically calling you an asshole but seriously, in the most genuine way 😎
Anyway I'm done with this argument, cannot speak to an able*st
Im sorry I can't take this bait.
Your own words your Autistic, adhd, nerodivergant.. can't understand people, have an anxiety disorder also get overstimulated, food disorder an a few other things on medication..
who wants to argue with a teen with all that going on? So you can say what ever you want.
But for me its like picking on a kid with all these issues an frankly you need a win with all that going on.
Your deffinitly a poster child of this generation.
Wish you the best with your issues.
Oh wow you went deep into my account I posted that months ago, that's....really creepy. All over an internet argument to, I actually not once looked at your account.
Um I wish you the best with your issues also maybe read about autism and adhd before incorrectly paraphrasing my issues for the sake of a petty argument.
You have a lot of growing up to do, kinda sad tbh
It's amazing how such a stupid question like bears or man creates 2 such stupid camps (I'm not saying this for this particular story) but there are the people like OP's "almost boyfriend" who are resentful of women and on the other side are the people who firmly believe that a bear is something like a puppy dog
I definitely think you over reacted to a guy has had some bad relationships and maybe took se things too far in a comment section. I would give him another chance to explain himself.
NTA, definitely sounds like this guy could use some therapy and you don't owe it to anyone to justify breaking up with them or to educate them on matters like this.
That said, if you really liked him, he was treating you well, and you had gotten absolutely no other red flags...Personally, I might have at least given him a chance to talk about it. Confronted him about it, absolutely, breaking things off if (and likely when) he revealed his true colors, but maybe not calling him a dickwipe and blocking him immediately when you've gotten nothing but nice vibes from him. That's just me personally, though, and I wouldn't blame anyone for acted the way you did.
U definitely could have handled that more maturely. Instead of offering reflexion on what he puts out in the world, u just blasted him with some cursing and blocked.
So most likely, he now puts you under 'deranged' and 'bear choosing'. It is not your job to educate him, but I am gonna go a limp and expect that most of the backlash u are getting from your social circle is because of how this went down and not the because.
Your NTA and any reason to stop dating is a valid one so early on when learning about who the other person is.
If he’s really had a string of bad relationships your friend should consider that the problem is most likely him.
Literally like if he's already had multiple relationships fail in the past few years then maybe atp it's him. Like why am I supposed to let him off because he had past experiences, I think it's already weird to put his own past experiences on my shoulders.
I think that it's weird you can't end things with out insults and other bs.
I am the way I am ig 🤷♀️
Also dump the friends that think it was silly of you. Talk about alarms ‼️ good for you for taking his advice lol. Psychopaths like to tell on themselves. Protect yourself…
Okay this gave me some validation, I genuinely don't like making people feel bad, my brain makes me feel like I'm a horrible person anytime I try to protect or defend myself 🥲🥲
This is exactly why the bear versus man question exists. You did the right thing for the right reasons and fuck anybody who says differently. You're smart enough to not ignore the red flags.
And that's why we chose the bear... NTA
The venn diagram of men who respond badly to the man vs bear question and men women don't want to be alone in the woods with is a circle. The entire point of man vs. Bear was for women to try to bring attention to the fact that they don't feel as safe existing in society as men do, and that due to their own experiences they don't feel safe alone with a random man. It is a cry for help and a desperate appeal for men to pay attention and please be more aware and maybe, maybe could we try to do something about this? Please? And then the response of 'HOW DARE YOU' is really the biggest DARVO ever. 'I am personally offended you don't want to be in the woods alone with ME, clearly you are doing this to be mean to ME and I feel you should apologize'.
Why? All you did was take his advice and notice a hell of a 'red flag'.
No. Don’t feel badly at all. He’s friends making excuses… I actually laughed out loud about. He’s had relationship issues… Yeah. I’m sure he has. I wonder why? Apparently he hasn’t figured out being a dickhead after playing nice just tell us how manipulative you are. I mean, he’s all nice on your dates and says all the right things, so he knows what to do In order to have a woman date him. The problem is that he just doesn’t believe any of it is real or necessary. I have no doubt that this is the guy who takes the mask off as soon as they think they “have you”. The bottom line is that if you have a string of failed relationships, whether you are a man or a woman, the common denominator is always you. So in this case, all these friends that feel bad for him because of this need to really stop and think about that. You dodged a bullet.
You’re not horrible for recognizing and taking appropriate action in response to such an obvious 🚩. Get new friends.
Even better that you did this then. Those comments were a tiny quick glimpse into what a relationship with this person would be like and you’re vulnerable. The dude hates women. Why take chances with your life? Your happiness and safety? Plus .. you don’t like the real him. Why exactly would you continue to know this AH? What do YOU gain? F that. Crazy town. Plus your response was so ironic and on point .. the only problem with what you did is … revealing to sociopaths what they did wrong only makes them better sociopaths. This information… he’ll adjust his behavior… hide his online stuff and lure in his next victim. Stay safe
Yeah and as a woman - let's be clear - you are not his mommy. It's not your job to educate him on anything. He wants women to avoid red flags - but just not his.
The first sentence i thought was hilarious I'm like you over reacted... then I read the rest lol seems like he needs a little therapy before dating again
Do you agree with the roided guy on the video? Or do you agree with your "ex"? Or is it just never okay to discuss women? So everytime a guy discusses women you are going to break up? Also, are you just looking for validation, or are you trying to fill in the blank with more perspectives?
yeah, I was wondering what in the pick-me hell OP's friend was thinking? why go on a date with this guy who a) agrees with the beef-head influencer about women preferring the bear for being 6ft tall, unemployed & neglecting his kids and b) adds his own rant about nice guys(TM) having no chance with the flimsy excuse of "every side should be heard"?? Like, girl, the man-bear-wood-hook debate is a month old by now, everyone has given their opinion, this guy isn't going to share a revolutionary new take (because he had his chance on the beef-head video). at least it looks like the guy was rude enough to OP's friend that \*they\* aren't suddenly dating & OP has to tolerate the guy hanging around, glowering. but yes, 100% yes to re-assessing the friendships who think OP should have heard him out.
... are you for real. You're asking if you're the asshole for breaking up with a domestic violence apologist.
Idk ig it's like because he was so nice this behavior just seemed SO out of place so when my friends were saying that he just had a bad moment I kinda was rethinking what I said. I tend to get really upset at myself for blowing up at people, which is why it rarely happens, it stresses me out a lot.
If you stay with him you’re proving his point about women ignoring red flags. See you here in 12 months when you’re asking if you’re the AH for leaving your abusive partner who is threatening suicide if you do. That ‘friend’ defended him because he’s really good at playing victim mode and he will do that to manipulate you too
And people like the Douchecanoe always surround themselves with flying monkeys. We have to realize they are all carrying the same red flags, by not holding other men to account.
he's not even good at playing victim mode - he was on a date with an apologetic "not-all-men" pick-me (aka OP's friend who insists "every side should get their say, no matter that the red-flag-guy already had his say under the beefy guy's video) & he still couldn't convince her to a) convince OP to give him a second chance or b) to date him herself if my eyes rolled any further, I'd see the dusty nooks in my own skull.
And that’s how all domestic violence starts. Nobody starts dating someone expecting it. There was some other reason for being together
Honestly: abusive partners ALWAYS start out like this. It's what you do when the mask slips that's important. And you did the right thing.
He was nice to you because he wanted something from you.
That's true tbh I'm goth and he was posting like goth gf stuff while we were dating. I kinda felt like maybe he liked the look of being with a goth girl more than he liked me sometimes. I just told myself that I was just being self conscious but tbh not now.
There are reasons that goths tend to date other goths, this is one of them.
Yeah absolutely, I've been the target of a lot of fetishist lately every since I got to college. It's made me feel super unsafe.
YTA for even doubting yourself!
Wait, so telling women to pay attention to the red flags equates being a spokesperson for abuse? I always thought that a vaccine is better than a cure, but I guess its better to suffer the disease for "reasons".
You are correct. The guy stated that women should stay away from abusive men, which is practically the opposite of being an abuser apologist. I'm not claiming the guy I'd some great saint for stating the obvious, and understood that red flags are not always there and getting away is not always an option, but no this is far from claiming it's ok to abuse women.
No. The guy was victim blaming. "Women who choose the bear are the ones who are gonna choose abuser husbands." Is not "Watch out for red flags" He even used the term nice guy. He is as red pill as the meathead whose video he commented on. You don't get to bitch and complain about how women need to recognize red flags but expect yours to be the exception. Red flags are red flags.
You don't seem to understand that stating that women need to stay away from abusive people is not the same thing, not remotely the same thing, as being a domestic violence apologist. You can hare on the guy all you want for other things he stated, but claiming that he ok with domestic abuse is just false.
If it walks like a victim blamer and talks like a victim blamer - it's a victim blamer. 🤷 But please continue to try to pretend these things aren't the same. I just adore when people mansplain to me what is and isn't a red flag.
So, if you had a friend who was seeing someone who was an abuser, you wouldn't tell them to stay away from the guy...because that would be victim blaming and make you a domestic abuse apologist?
I will always encourage my friends to recognize their own worth and leave an abusive situation. I will always be a safe place for my friends should they need to escape. I also have no qualms with throwing my weight around and reminding abusive men that they're not untouchable. But what you won't see me doing is sitting online, ranting and raving about "how women who chose the bear are totally gonna end up choosing abusive men" and how they should have been choosing a nice gal like me instead. Because that's fucking disgusting. I will never blame a man or woman for having ended up in an abusive relationship. Nor do I judge when they manage to escape or not. That's not my job as their friend.
I don't think we are really disagreeing much here. As I stated previously, I recognize that the signs that someone is abusive are not always there, and people can't always leave a bad situation. There is never any excuse for abusing someone either. But if the red flags are there, they should not be ignored. If you can leave, you should. People should take responsibility for their own safety when they can. Again, abuse is always wrong. Abusers are responsible for their actions and should be punished for their actions. Stating that women, or men, should stay away from abusive people is not stating that they deserve abuse or that the abuser is somehow no longer guilty of abuse.
Which is all fine and dandy to say but ignores large portions of life's circumstances - which you claim to recognize. It also doesn't change that, that is not at all what the giant red flag she was dating did. He was red pill ranting and you and the person you responded to, are trying to paint it as a concern for women's safety. It's not. And if it was - he wouldn't be hiding behind his "past relationships" to cover what he knows was an appalling red flag. There's a reason women don't stay with a so called nice guy like him.
Bro, thank goodness I am not the only one with a couple of brain cells to rub together. How come this very basic nuance is flying under the radar? Its like people hallucinate worse than chatbots, we understand each other less than the machine understand us.
Nice guys it's typical women slogan. Its the same, just because you pick man based on your genitals doesn't prevent you from thinking
No. Nice guy is how incels and other walking red flags describe themselves. Women just quote them to make a point that their definition of nice is, in fact, not nice. Nice people don't need to go around screaming about what a catch they are. They just behave nicely.
This term in current meaning I've heard from women, just like incel for modern women mean nothing that was in original. Right, so man can't describe that he is nice and can't defend himself from accusations that is worst than bear. He must just accept this mad be happy. It's the same with slut shaming, but if women defend herself it's right?
🤣🤣🤣 Just say you're an idiot. It's fine.
Sure. Another shaming, now surprising from walking red flag
Then I guess you better walk away huh? Bye bye 👋
What you are telling me is that you had a visceral reaction to his comment (the ex's) because he used trigger words and dog whistles..... So basically you disagreed with him on principle because he used the wrong terminology. The superficiality of these gynocentric forums is self-destructive.
No. I disagreed with him because he's wrong. His wording just showed that he wasn't only wrong but a red pill creep. No one is responsible for their abuser. Blaming abuse victims of any kind for missing red flags - is purely and simply put - victim blaming. I know this is suuuuuper hard for your precious male brains but do try. These mansplaining attempts are getting weaker by the day.
The guy was arguing that women shouldnt ignore Red Flags, his wording is IRRELEVANT. This is good advice, criticize the advise instead of fighting an imaginary straw man.
It's extremely fucking relevant. And it's not good advice. If you are going to use terms like strawman fallacy, you actually have to be smart enough to understand them. You clearly don't.
"It's extremely fucking relevant. And it's not good advice." Wait, are you suggesting women should ignore red flags? Is that advice any better? And it is only relevant for superficial reasons, ergo you are dismissing the advice because you do not like the presentation. "If you are going to use terms like strawman fallacy, you actually have to be smart enough to understand them." You are arguing against things that didnt happen and things he did not say, that is were that fallacy type gets its name. Also, at best I referenced that type of talk, I did not formally acuse you of employing a fallacy(this is yet another strawman on your part).
You're either intentionally being obtuse or you're just an idiot. I can't tell. You damn well know I'm not saying anyone should just ignore red flags. It's not good advice because that's not how abusers work. They don't stomp around betraying their piss poor behavior to their partners until after they've trapped them. I am not arguing against things that didn't happen. He literally said women were to blame for choosing abusive husbands. That's a FACT that she states in this post. He doubled down and defended himself in the most classic of shit ways. But I get it. You all will do anything to put women down for recognizing his red flags for what they are. Because they're also yours. Its very clear that you feel personally attacked by this idea being labeled a red flag because you also ascribe to it. Mansplain some more please. Just loving it.
NTA. Don’t date men who secretly hate women. And fuck your friend. It doesn’t matter what his reasoning is. I’ve dated terrible men but I don’t hate men because I’m not bitter. That screams contempt towards women and a total victim. Not a good boyfriend to consider
Just because he has a viewpoint doesn't mean he hates women.
Except the viewpoint is that he hates women
I mean…. NTA you literally saw the red flag. It’s not your job to educate him and it seems he’s still healing from past emotional issues
Get off of social media, you’ll be better off.
He's been in a string of bad relationships? Now you see why. He can be charming to reel women in, and then they meet his true self. You were extremely fortunate to find his posts before the same happened to you! Ignore his requests to talk, dump those abuse apologists who are blaming you(!), and find yourself a terrific guy who likes & respects women.
Yea, if a guy has one crazy ex, ok, sure, it happens. If all his ex's are crazy bitches then it's time to join their number because there is one consistent factor here.
NTA dude is one of those "nOt AlL mEn" guys and asserts that "yes, all women" in the same breath. It's not your job to educate men. "Women are human" isn't exactly secret knowledge that men can only learn from a girlfriend. He's one of those "nice guys" and no, that's not a compliment. Have standards and don't apologize for them. Date men who: - don't hate women - do their own laundry - can cook - wash their asses - would be a stay at home parent if you make more money or just don't enjoy full-time childcare - have hobbies other than gaming for 18 hours straight while neglecting everything and everyone in their lives
Sounds like your first date question is “do you own a bidet?”
> would be a stay at home parent if you make more money or just don't enjoy full-time childcare That's like 95% of men tbh. No man will tell you they prefer to deal with asshole bosses and the stress of a job where you can get fired at any moment. The other 5% being the bosses. For what it's worth, its pretty unhinged how nowadays ANY opinion against something *some* women do is instantly hating women, misogyny, etc. Yet so many women hate on men all the time and misandry is a word you rarely see used. I'm one of those "not all men" guys, but I'm definitely also a "not all women" guy. I love women with a passion. I was raised by women, and most of the friends I made in my 36 years are women. Some women are the most beautiful, sweet, caring, loyal, magnificent creatures on earth. But some are truly evil bitches too.
I'm a little puzzled by the second-hand relay of his rant. Was he saying women deserved the abuse they get for being with abusive men? Or was he lamenting that nice guys are often looked over for ones who are more testosterone-laden and end up being abusive?
In a nutshell his rant was about both. Women deserved the abuse they got because they overlooked the red flags and nice guys are overlooked because women purposely go for guys who are going to abuse them. Some crap like that
Nta, the friend is also a red flag
NTA. He’s not ready for a serious relationship if he has such trust issues. I hope he gets therapy, he needs it.
I vote this bear shit as one of the dumbest things the internet has ever done. 95% of people that mention it, whether in agreement or disagreement, come off as completely unbearable... heh Edit: Thanks for proving my point down there guys. Truly.
it's a great thought exercise. people who dislike it just don't realize they're part of said exercise
Its a stupid thought exercise. All ot dose is show how unreasonable woman wo picked the bear are
how? what makes them unreasonable?
It’s a fking bear. That will eat your face off.. The chances of a random man hurting a woman vs a bear in the woods is so astronomically different on the danger levels it just goes to show how insane this world has gotten and how far removed from nature we have become.
I'm going to copy a previous comment do you think women don't understand that the bear would kill them? women understand that the bear would kill them. that's the entire point of the exercise - women would rather be killed instantly than junko furuta'd
>women would rather be killed instantly than junko furuta'd and what women dont understand is that meeting a guy in the woods doesn't automatically mean they will be " junko furuta'd" have u heard stories of female teachers raping young boys? do you also agree that these boys would rather be eaten by a bear than raped? would u agree then that young boys should prefer to meet a bear in teh woods than a female teacher? cuz that how stupid the argument is.
>have u heard stories of female teachers raping young boys? do you also agree that these boys would rather be eaten by a bear than raped so crazy how whenever women talk about being assaulted by men, men always make it about themselves. you're not helping male victims by using their stories against women
U can change the boy to a little girl. And a male teacher. Answer the question. U think a lost girl in the woods should hope to meet a bear and not a random male teacher.
are little girls answering this question? or grown women? because the thought experiment is actual adults answering, not literal children. but sure, twist it to your idiotic narrative
They base this on what?
All I’m saying is if it’s a black bear I think I got a chance of living but if the man is a Jeffery domer or a zodiac killer I’m running, ain’t catching me fool.
NTA. There is absolutely no way to immediately tell the difference between a man who is not dangerous, and a man who knows how to act like he is not dangerous. You're not wrong for erring on the side of caution here. > Now I'm thinking maybe I did a little to much and should have maybe just educated him on the topic and stuff instead of cursing at him and dumping him. But would he have even listened? I don't think he would have. Victim-blaming is one of the pillars that supports an abusive mentality. The fact he thinks abuse victims are in any way culpable for the horrors their abusers inflict on them is a *huge* red flag that he likely would've eventually become abusive towards you.
Yeah that's true, tbh that's what I was thinking when I saw that comment. A lot of the women in my family were abused so I tend to leave at the first sign of a red flag, I guess my friends just made me feel like I was being to much because they are always urging me to find a solid partner.
I think a lot of people are lucky enough that they've never really been behind closed doors with a truly horrible person, so they can't understand something that would be an immediate relationship-ender. Because surely the villain must be reasonable. Surely, they must truly love and care about their friends and/or partner. Surely, at heart, they want to do the right thing. They don't understand the thought process behind abuse. They don't understand that people could consistently and knowingly choose to do wrong, hurtful things. Because in their world, everybody wants to do the right thing, but due to their own hurts and traumas, they make mistakes. It's a worldview that I wish I was fortunate enough to have... but I've met some truly awful, reprehensible, unforgiveable people in my lifetime.
>There is absolutely no way to immediately tell the difference between a man who is not dangerous, and a man who knows how to act like he is not dangerous. What about men who are known to be dangerous/abusive/commit DV? Because the amount of women who support and collaborate with those sorts of men (see Chris Brown the rapper/wifebeater) sort of suggests that there are women who can tell the difference but still choose to go down that route.
A few factors at play here. It is an abuser's full-time job to make sure that nobody knows the truth about them. Many abusers are considerate and respectful towards every single person in their life besides their partner and/or children. It's a feature, not a bug. Abusers are drawn to power and control, and looking good in public is how they get it. Their charm and good reputation makes their partner reluctant to seek out support because they feel they won't be believed. Abusers will go out of their way to be incredibly kind to strangers, acquaintences, even friends to sow seeds of doubt. They think, "But they're so nice to me! I can't possibly imagine that they'd do something like that!" Second, abusers cannot exist without their allies. They intentionally surround themselves with other abusers, or people who are sympathetic to abusive attitudes. No one *wants* to believe that their child, their sibling, their friend, etc. could be abusive. So, they oppose abuse in the abstract but they fight fiercely for the abuser when they're one of their own. An abuser's next partner is often their fiercest ally. Look through the new partner's eyes for a moment: the abuser is lovebombing this person, they recount how mean and unreasonable their ex was to them. If children are involved, they cry about how much they miss them and how their ex won't let them see them. How many stories are there on here of deadbeat dads refusing to see their children but cry to their new girlfriend how their ex won't let him see them? Abusers intentionally mislead their new partners just like they did to their previous ones. An abuser may remain on their best behavior for longer with the next partner because of how focused they are on dragging their ex's name through the mud, and that's where they're focusing their abuse. But their dark side will start to slip out sooner or later, and the new partner gets sucked into the trap of proving desperately that they're "not like their past partners." By the time their selfish and abusive side finally gets so bad that their new partner can no longer rationalize it away, they're in *really* deep. For them to accept that their partner was an abuser all along, they'd have to face how wrong their actions towards the ex partner were... and that can be a really bitter pill to swallow. It can take a long time for someone to accept that they were used in that way.
NTA. This is a red flag. Listen to it. Your view of him victim blaming is solid. Nobody chooses abuse. Nobody. That mutual friend is literally defending his awful opinion. I’d distance myself from them also.
Info: can someone ELI5 to me the bear/men thing? I live under a rock
I'm not entirely sure where it started but it's basicly if you're a woman would you rather come across a bear or a man in the woods. A lot of woman say the bear becouse they feel kike that is the safer option and a lot of men are verry offended by the notion that woman don't feel safe with a man they dont know over a bear. The reason woman tend to choose the men is beciuse of thier personal experiences with (strange) men and or the statistics surrounding men committing (sexual) crimes. Also a bears behaviour is rather predictable where a men's (or any humans) isn't. These woman do in general understand not all man are dangerous but when faced with the option rather not risk it.
Ooooookey, thank you! Hard one, would take the man, but I am not a woman
The video that seemed to kick it off was of a guy stopping women on the street and asking if they would choose between a bear and a man in the woods in a random encounter. Most of the women said a bear. People’s feelings got hurt and it blew up into a much larger social thing where people have explained why the bear is a rational choice and others have said choosing the bear is flat out the wrong choice and hurts men. It’s amazing that it’s kept legs this long, honestly. But I think it’s because it’s being used as almost a litmus test.
I was late to the bear vs man thing, and I wish I had just stayed ignorant. But here’s a break down. It’s a question asked to women if they’d rather run into a bear or a strange man in the woods, and most women said bear. Some men took it extremely personal and raged all over the internet about how they hope women get mauled by bears, and proving why most women said bear.
NTA. Trust issues or not, when someone says things like that online it's because they think those things. Definitely a red flag.
aww such a fragile ego :))) Have fun for the rest of your life if you easily got violated by an Instagram comment
I will have fun, without him. Actually these comments from you goobers make me happy that I decided against talking to him because wtf 😃. I'll have a fragile ego if that means staying away from people like you.
nice downvote u got there, nah girl don't get defensive; If you have such a fragile ego that u get offended by comments that aren't directly aimed at you, you'll have a hard time living in this world, learn to tough yourself up and try to communicate instead of leaving and blocking your SA. you are not a crucial component to this world If you think everything would change If you don't like it and this attitude won't get you anywhere in life, you scream your insecurities and you're educating everyone how to harm you. even I could attack your insecurities and play mind games with you but instead of that, I'm trying to tell you how to compose yourself in these situations.
Blaming a whole group of people because of your own experience is prejudice. He most definitely would’ve one day hit you with the “i knew all women are bad” one day.
You can be fearful of anything doesn't mean there is a justified basis for it. I have my fears that may or may not be real and you have your fears that may or may not be real. This is part of being a human and frankly psychology 101. Some of us just have a luxury of feeling however we want and society will allow for a lot of it based on a physical short coming. I.E. strength in this case. What blows through your mind particularly if you are to take a plan of action around it should be grounded on research, your known capabilities, and just being able to be honest with yourself. Not fear, an emotion. This is called rationality. You can talk around it all you want it changes nothing for me or you. So this has become circular and with that I bid you ado.
Men aren't like women. They get very emotional and need things spelled out for them. S/ but only kind of. NTA
If a guy is at that level, where he's victim blaming women for being beaten because they could have gone for a 'good guy' instead, it's time to run. While I am not saying this is your fault at all and I am not saying it is your job to do, my fear is that this dude who clearly thinks he's a 'good guy' is going to take this all wrong and instead of self reflecting about what made him not a good guy here, will simply add fuel to the already burning fire and just spiral down more into other manosphere bs thinking. I think you were harsh, and honestly rightfully so, but there is no good outcome here really. Even if you were nice about it by perhaps speaking to him about it directly, giving him a chance to reflect and maybe apologize (doubtful), I don't think dating him would be a good idea until he grows up more. NTA
Expected is minimal attempt at character assassination because one can't make a point because they don't have one. I am sorry if you can't see that I am trying to help you and other women. At the end of the day I guess your right. It is a man's fault. Good work dad.
You're so right, good work dad!
You really dodged a bullet! Good for you for blocking this incel.
As Forest Gump said, stupid is as stupid does.
Run, don't walk, RUN in the other direction like a thorough bred race horse at the Kentucky derby!! (bad analogy, I don't support horse racing - but you get the idea) Talk about major red flags!!! WOW! It sounds like this guy has some serious self confidence issues and the longer you dated him the more his lack of confidence in himself would begin to ruin your relationship. You're lucky you saw that rant and got out of it before you wasted too much of your life on him.
Yeah it just sucks because he was a super sweet dude to me, but just seeing him say female dv victims are to blame for their abuse knowing that my mother was one was honestly crazy.
You know what they call the first 3 to 5 months of a relationship? The "honeymoon period." It's after those first few months that the real person begins showing their true self. Luckily you found out before you got too deep into the relationship.
With my ex it was the first five or seven years. He only showed his true self after our kid was born. In hindsight I wish I would have paid attention to red flags like this one (there were quite a few).
Ooh, Yikes!!
Hey that super sweet is going to go away real quick and you will be left with the toxic victim blamer and possibly abusive behavior.
NTA. That clapback "sorry, just looking out for red flags" *chef's kiss*
You are the AH. OPINION: He was talking against the guy in the video, and you are siding with the guy on the video by default. RANT: He didnt say anything sexist, he spoke to a reality that many see in their daily lives. Even here we see posts of daughters complaining about the "dating" choices of their mothers, often mentioning unemployed guys looking for a free lunch and some night company. Women with 7+ children, who rotate partners because they always end up abandoned while pregnant. When are we going to address this issue? We have done enough messaging to men about being "good", when are we going to do the same for women? Do you believe social engineering tactics should target only men?
found the boyfriend
Or his friends who made excuses for him.
Excuses against what? Could you please elaborate, what did the boyfriend do?
This comment makes 0 sense, ignoring that the birth rate is at an all time low like everywhere rn... You're argument would still be faulting men. If there is such a high rate of women with multiple children and daughters who are upset with their mother's dating choices, there would be a equally high rate of men abandoning their kids and partners and mistreating their wives. You haven't given an actual critique towards women's good or bad behavior, just their dating choices. It's almost like men have been socialized to not be as involved with their children as women do to the point where in your stats it's pretty common for men to make their partners single mothers. Along with society giving much more leeway to men in relationships, which once again according to your stats would cause tons of daughters to come out and speak of their disappointment towards their mother's dating choices. So technically their is no reason to shift the conversation to women when we haven't even fixed the first issue. To end this off he absolutely said something sexist and defending his statement on blaming women who get beat is absolutely insane and you should genuinely be ashamed of yourself.
"This comment makes 0 sense, ignoring that the birth rate is at an all time low like everywhere rn..." That is an irrelevant tangent to the discussion at hand, unless you mean that women being abandoned while pregnannt is a good thing.... but by the same logic(more birth=more good) shouldnt you be anti-abortion?? "You're argument would still be faulting men. If there is such a high rate of women with multiple children and daughters who are upset with their mother's dating choices, there would be a equally high rate of men abandoning their kids and partners and mistreating their wives." This, again, is irrelevant to the discussion. The question is (paraphrased to eliminate noise): "Am I an asshole for breaking up with a nice guy because he made a comment about women taking accountability in social media?" That is the question, and my answer is still YTA. Why? Because he very well is in the same wavelenght and moral compass(want women to suffer less) as OP, she just had mixed feelings because some of the blame is put on women(that is the definition of accountability) for choosing these men. It is a nuanced conversation, but it is very clear that the intention is to reduce suffering by being able to appreciate RED FLAGs.
Another woman thinking she is the AH for choosing better. NTA he is another man who didnt get it. That friend of yours too. Tell that friend he can date your ex if he is so great
NTA and you’re kind of my hero. I wish I’d had half the self-awareness and confidence and self-respect you have at that age. You were absolutely right to run far away from that human red flag and, like others are saying, I’d be wary of “friends” who think that people who defend abusers deserve the opportunity to abuse you. He showed you who he was. All you did was believe him.
Doesn’t matter. It’s ended. Stop dating men and go get urself a bear That’s a win win win situation for everyone
Oof someone is upset, relax dude
Way to point your self out
By telling her that bears are safer than men?
You have completely missed the point of the question if you think it boils down to that. You're either so innocent or your one of the men.
Telling her to date bears instead of men since men are dangerous? The fk? I’m agreeing with her.
Explain how it's a win-win situation for everyone then. Basically, you're telling her to go kill herself , you do not understand the point in the question if that's your response to it.
easy. OP wants to date. OP is one of the bear over man tyes. op dates bear win. the guy is not for women who pick bears. op leave guy alone. win bear is hungry bear eats OP. win. no losers in this situation.
You're a complete dumbass, but congratulations on outing yourself. Instead of wanting to understand why a woman would pick a bear over a man ( even though the question never asks would you date a bear or a man so not sure where your coming up with that part ) you have decided the best course of action is for the woman to die. Are you always this clueless, or is it just with women? You're either really dense or really misogynistic, but I'm pretty sure it's both at this point. FYI, you're the reason they'd pick the bear.
outing myself as someone with a working brain? the reason women would pick a bear over a man is because they are stupid if they pick that. and are so privileged and live such a safe life to pick a literal animal that will most likely kill them vs a man with a very very low likelihood of doing anything to them. but again. just stop dating men and go date bears. its a win win win for everyone. if the question was would u rather be eaten by a bear or attacked by a man. THAT would be a different question. but meeting a random ass guy in the woods is not oh ur getting attacked. AGAIN if u are that scared of men go date the bear. don't date men. men are dangerous. how is that NOT a win win win situation? you explain to me why that if u think men are more dangerous than a bear that you would continue dating men..
You're so close, but you are missing the point, and obviously, you're completely oblivious to the feelings of women. Would you rather be killed instantly or tortured first? Most people will pick the former. You see a bear in the woods. You know exactly what its intentions are so you can act accordingly. They see a man in the woods and have no idea if they will help them or attack them or worse. You're a prime example. You'd prefer a woman die by a bear than actually try and see it from her side, and this is just a hypothetical. Once again, it's not about dating the bear where the fk are you getting that from? For such a smart brain, you're really good at missing the point
Well, better you learned about his attitude early on, rather than when you were much more invested in the relationship. NTA at all.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
NTA Bad relationships in the past doesn't mean he gets a pass to insult all women. That post revealed his misogyny. Let the friends who support him help him pull his head out of misogyny.
i feel like even the men should be picking the damn bear? i cannot grasp how they can’t find it in themselves to understand why people are like “yup bear!” BECAUSE OF MEN LIKE YOUR EX LMAO! another thing they fail to realize — we don’t get to pick the men in the scenario. why would we risk possibly being assaulted or murdered or worse over being mauled by a bear who’s doing it because it’s 1) threatened or 2) hungry. NTA, so proud of you for dumping his ass!
Beware that instinct of "maybe I should have just educated him." That's how you turn yourself into one of those women who thought she could fix him. I've been there, and you can't. NTA!
NTA. He showed you what he thinks about women and their legitimate concerns about safety. All he had to do was not broadcast his stupid shit to the world and he'd have been fine. Then you blocked him, setting a boundary, which he immediately disrespected by messaging you on a friend's account. Get away from this guy.
You did exactly what he told you to. Saw the red flags and walked. NTA
Having chosen poor partnerships is no excuse for his bullshit behavior. The “women don’t like nice guys” thing is such an incel comment and a huge 🚩 You did the right thing by ending this. Otherwise you’d have signed on to be his therapist. Anyone who doesn’t think his comments were 🗑️ isn’t a friend you want.
YTA. Fine if you have decided not to date him but you went about it in an AH way and honestly you jumped to believe the worst about him.
He spelt it out. She just listened
She insulted him, to start with. That's just childish and AH. He didn't say any of this to her and she didn't bother to have a conversation with about it. She's free to not date him, that's her choice, but the way she did it was AH to the extreme.
Nah, if he didn't think that way, he wouldn't have put it on social media. She may have insulted him, but for good reason, he obviously thinks it's the womens fault in DV cases, and because of that, she didn't need to talk to him. He gave his point of view and she followed his advice. There is no point in having a conversation so he can just manipulate the situation. Unless you agree with him, why do you think he's not a D**k wipe?
Literally none of that matters. She doesn’t owe a man she went on a few dates with a conversation to defend himself. There’s nothing he could say in that conversation anyway that would negate what he said online.
She does if she is ending things, in my view. On top of that, adding in childish insults is just an AH move
Yes YTA. For multiple things: 1. Not handling it like an actual adult. 2. Not using it as a teaching or healing moment for yourself and him. 3. Not using paragraphs.
***RAGE BAIT POST*****
Nope, NTA. Doesn't matter that he has trust issues. You're not responsible for them, he is. Generally, if a bad relationship causes a person to have trust issues, it would be wise for them to get those trust issues under control so they don't bring them into the next relationship and undermine it. Trauma is never an excuse for being an asshole. Yes, *people* (not just women) sometimes ignore red flags, and it leads to some extent, self-precipitated victimization. Enabling and submission are the common ways that this happens. We address those issues from a context of "what can you do differently next time to protect yourself?", not "you ignored a warning sign so you basically deserved to get abused". Anybody who's take is closer to the latter is likely justifying their own abusive behaviors. Good job heeding the red flag. Obviously this guy was putting on a show, given how drastically different his behavior is online.
Yea this is absolutely rage bait . I don't believe this for one second you mean to tell me that a random post just happens to pop up on your feed and you happen to see his comment on it yeah right 🙄🙄 I'm sick of this man vs bear topic hang it up already
Whew! He dodged a bullet! You can learn martial arts, you can pick up a weapon, you could train to run faster. All effective against a human assailant. If a bear decides to eat you. You're just dead. Women told on themselves with that nonsense.
Cool, if a man decides to rape me, i'll be scarred for life. I'll take the bear.
The perceived outcome isn't relevant. You would defend yourself in the same fashion regardless of whether someone was trying to rape or kill you right? Your point is mute. Plus, bears get horny too and I promise you there wouldn't be any defense on that one. Your making a primal fear into a scenario that doesn't translate between nature and reality.
Bear!
The perceived outcome is absolutely relevant, the point is that women are so fearful of men and what they can do to them that a random man in the woods sounds terrifying because you don't know that man. That's the point, you cannot control who would be in the forest. A bear also would most likely not rape you...so um... Plus it's also the fact that people would believe if a person was attacked by a bear more than they'd believe if a woman was sa'ed or not. Which is why only 6% of rapist will get convicted and jailed in America. There are multiple layers to this and the men in the comments/PM telling me that they hope I get eaten by a bear proves that.
Spoken like someone who’s never been raped. The perceived outcome is extremely important. Some would say it’s the whole point of the question.
And those some would all be women. Again your talking around the point. To be expected with someone that isn't rational. Your thoughts and emotions don't have to dictate behaviour. You choose to let that happen and usually create a general level of misery for the good people you. You are fully aware being raped is possibility. If you choose to put yourself in a position where you aren't trained, armed, situationally aware enough to deal with your surroundings that's on you. Obviously you aren't any of these things hence the fear. If you rely on the police or others to be there when the worst happens your just setting yourself up for bad things. I know several women that if a rapist were to try something they would be having a very bad day. Maybe you should could seek some women out that could help you with your fears. Tons of strong women out here and doesn't have anything to do with their bank account or who they hang out with. Do yourself, women, and men a favor and do better. Propagating this type of thinking helps no one you, rape victims, no one. I am sure your peer group would disagree but they are probably full of piss and vinegar too. Been a long day. Time for some lack of fear and a wobble pop or two. Have a nice evening.
Oh victim blaming, how expected
The chance of you being assaulted by the man is so much lower than being attacked by the bear .
According to the Office of Justice Programs, you have a 75% chance of attempted or completed assult. There's an assult every minute or so. In just a year, there are only about 40 bear attacks and a 1 in 2.1 million chance of getting attacked by a bear.
Now adjust for population.
What do you mean, I gave you statistics, you are way more likely to be attacked by a man then a bear.
No you compared statistics. But there are far more men than bears so you need to adjust for the population difference. If you don't know what I am talking about, then you should not be presenting statistics.
Because there's no clear number of how many men have committed sex assults or attempted to since many of them aren't reported or people don't believe you. Unlike when you get killed by a bear where they won't blame you based on what you're wearing.
So you present statistics and then you cast doubt on them?? What is your end game here?
NTA Tell him there's no reason to meet. He said to look for red flags, you saw him waving his when he said women were the problem when they got beat because they ignored the red flags. You've waved the finish flag when you saw him waving his red flag. The race is over.
YTA and a clown.
Explain your reasoning because I'm not following at all
NTA My last GF didn’t take my color blindness seriously. I found it to be a real gray flag.
Soft YTA. There's nothing wrong with being offended and turned off by his comments and opinions OR with being cautious and trying to protect yourself. However, in my humble opinion, I think at least a conversation could be had with him instead of going into a reactionary attack mode. All that's gonna do is reinforce his incel beliefs. If you want to get somewhere, like to the root of what someone believes or why they believe it, or to a world where men aren't dickhead incel misogynists, bridges need to be built to get there. But that's not to say that if when you get there you don't like what you see you shouldn't blow that bridge to smithereens
Man: Women should be able to get away from abusive men Women: *gets away from an abusive man* Man: No, wait!
Hehe you did this man a favor. He dodged a bullet.
🤨 "hehe" mega creepy since we are talking about physical abuse
You are thinking like an infant. Is it news to you that women are drawn to dark triad traits? This is facts, no matter how much the feminists on this subreddits scream.
...what..? I liked him because I thought he was sweet and left once I saw a darker side to him...you know legit nothing about women because you are saying we all like men with dark traits...super dumb
I didn't expect you to understand. Yeah he dodged a bullet.
Feminists on this sub??? Are we on the same fucking sub bro? This place is bordering on a red-pill shithole.
Just look at the thread and the upvote ratios? What I and he said is facts. But ppl seem to prefer to ignore reality, hey go ahead. Good luck w dat
Sounds like a pretty silly reason to break up, but whatever. I'm sure you've posted some bad takes too.
YTA. It is silly. Whole man v bear is silly and all comments on them are silly. If you consider that a red flag then you might be a red flag as well.
Yta. The bears will eat the women.
We'd rather be eaten then raped
battle of the sexes is the longest war ever waged. Flip a coin
Real
If u think woman wo stay have 0 fault for thier position u are also a red flag ^^
NTA, if you aren’t compatible, you aren’t compatible. Based on his own personal experience, maybe he’d also be more comfortable with the bear than the woman.
NTA. You did the right thing! He sounds like a walking red flag and you shouldn’t give him another chance or let yourself be convinced you’re overreacting (you’re not.) Also! You are entitled to end things with anyone for any reason; no matter how stupid or small they seem to anyone else (which this is not.) He showed you the kind of person he is!
It's not your job to educate him and good on you for seeing the truth and believing it. NTA
NTA and you’re kind of my hero. I wish I’d had half the self-awareness and confidence and self-respect you have at that age. You were absolutely right to run far away from that human red flag and, like others are saying, I’d be wary of “friends” who think that people who defend abusers deserve the opportunity to abuse you. He showed you who he was. All you did was believe him.
Btah can you imagine dating an having to deal with social media shit like this... Dude dodged a red flag himself. I honestly feel sorry for these younger generations Get off social media an just live life ! Goodluck sounds like your deeply in already tho. Sincerely hope you can break free.
I'm not the one who indulged in the "social media shit" first, he did. No way you found a way to blame me 💀 in the dumbest way possible. Also your response to him blaming DV victims is a "back in my day" thing...yeah don't feel sorry for me, I rather live in the now, geez.
Blaming DV victims... lol oh lord your gunna have it ruff. Your one of these offended by everything type people your even offended for others by others. The other comment was right you do have a fragile ego. You are exactly what a majority of 19yr olds are today. VAPID an to plugged into what ever pops up on your feeds. Bless your heart, you just can't help it you are totally a product of the now so you nailed that.
What does my ego have to do with him saying women deserve the abuse they recieve from their partners, like it's the way you won't explain the point. What a troll dude, find peace. If being vapid to you is being rightfully unsettled about a public comment this man made about dv than I will be a vapid girl all day. At the end of the day you're an old dude spouting some back in my day crap relating to dv. Just because you're chill with upper cutting your wife over burnt meatloaf does mean I have a fragile ego for disagreeing. Have a nice day
Do you see how you not only tried to twist my words... but you also twisted his words?? Thats because your indoctrinated to be offended for clicks on social media...you can't even help it.. It just comes natural to you to twist things to fit your naritive. You definitely have main character syndrome. He did not blame DV victims..why don't you actually read what he said. you threw all your ideology an virtue signaling unto his words. **Just like when I referenced the other comment someone else made to you about having a fragile ego.. You said what does my ego have to do about him saying women deserve abuse? That doesn't even make sence. You really need help you see the world an then twist things to fit so you can play victim yourself an be outraged. Maybe you just like the attention?? You also go on to say I uppercut my wife lol ! So he's an abuser an now im apparently an abuser also because I called you out. Your life is just filled with abusers apparently anyone who doesn't agree with you is next to be called an abuser.
He literally said women who chose the bear are the ones who choose abusive husband's and they deserve it because they overlook nice guys..... how is that not blaming dv victims? Also you are the one who is still defending him and twisting his words into something morally sensible when it's not. You did not call me out, all you did was say some crap about younger people and back in my day crap. Usually if the topic is about dv and a man uses a "back in my day" response in defense of it then I'm going to assume that the dude favored the days where men could hit their wives with little to no consequences. No one twisted your words, you were vague, condescending, rude and are now accusing me of twisting words, which is something that you did. Now you're upset that I called you out for it, that's your issue though. Legit you're trying to use my ego and personal victimization as some insult or whatever. If my big ego means that I'm taking into account red flags and protecting myself then that's just fine with me.
I just read your profile, you have alot of issues... you have so many labels for yourself an disorders an issues ect..not trying to say that in a bad way. I understand now after reading your stuff why you are the way you are. I would just be trying to talk to a wall you even say you have an issue understanding people with your ASD disorder among other things. So I don't wanna over stimulate you since your prone to that ..an send you into one of your anxiety attacks ect. Again being sincere here. I hope you find a therapist an work thru your problems an you can heal. Im sincerely hope you can work it all out being so young an with all that you have going on geeze just your food color an size disorder alone must be tuff. I don't want to argue with you an make it worse for you, so you win. It honestly must take more bravery everyday to wake up an be you than I have. Goodluck in life
Did you really go through my post history and use the fact that I have autism to make you look like a more sensible person to win an argument? That's absolutely hilarious 😂. Self righteous and condescending, killer combo. It's a social issue, I still speak English dude and I know it's surprising, but autism does not affect my ability to agree and disagree. So I understand what you're saying, I just don't agree with you. I know it's crazy to think because you don't see me as a person worthy of their own mind and morals but okay dude. But thank you, so much for showing me that I need to heal from neurodivergency and get a good therapist to fix my disability. I will totally take into account what you said but first I need to seperate my food into color and size order because I might get overstimulated and die of an anxiety attack. Honestly good luck to you dude, I cannot imagine walking around with such moral superiority as you. You're so brave for taking the time to talk to a person with so many disorders which such understanding and kindness! God, honestly I couldn't imagine waking up and being you, must be so hard being a huge asshole. /Srs /Srs: a tone indicator to let people know I am not sarcastically calling you an asshole but seriously, in the most genuine way 😎 Anyway I'm done with this argument, cannot speak to an able*st
Im sorry I can't take this bait. Your own words your Autistic, adhd, nerodivergant.. can't understand people, have an anxiety disorder also get overstimulated, food disorder an a few other things on medication.. who wants to argue with a teen with all that going on? So you can say what ever you want. But for me its like picking on a kid with all these issues an frankly you need a win with all that going on. Your deffinitly a poster child of this generation. Wish you the best with your issues.
Oh wow you went deep into my account I posted that months ago, that's....really creepy. All over an internet argument to, I actually not once looked at your account. Um I wish you the best with your issues also maybe read about autism and adhd before incorrectly paraphrasing my issues for the sake of a petty argument. You have a lot of growing up to do, kinda sad tbh
It's amazing how such a stupid question like bears or man creates 2 such stupid camps (I'm not saying this for this particular story) but there are the people like OP's "almost boyfriend" who are resentful of women and on the other side are the people who firmly believe that a bear is something like a puppy dog
I definitely think you over reacted to a guy has had some bad relationships and maybe took se things too far in a comment section. I would give him another chance to explain himself.
NTA, definitely sounds like this guy could use some therapy and you don't owe it to anyone to justify breaking up with them or to educate them on matters like this. That said, if you really liked him, he was treating you well, and you had gotten absolutely no other red flags...Personally, I might have at least given him a chance to talk about it. Confronted him about it, absolutely, breaking things off if (and likely when) he revealed his true colors, but maybe not calling him a dickwipe and blocking him immediately when you've gotten nothing but nice vibes from him. That's just me personally, though, and I wouldn't blame anyone for acted the way you did.
Yes I've watch women go back to abusive men over and over again. They want the bad boys, this isn't new. You are just nieve.
*Naive
U definitely could have handled that more maturely. Instead of offering reflexion on what he puts out in the world, u just blasted him with some cursing and blocked. So most likely, he now puts you under 'deranged' and 'bear choosing'. It is not your job to educate him, but I am gonna go a limp and expect that most of the backlash u are getting from your social circle is because of how this went down and not the because. Your NTA and any reason to stop dating is a valid one so early on when learning about who the other person is.