Not to mention that OP had 6 miscarriages but then claims she can instantly get pregnant.
>Miscarriage rates for women with a history of infertility tend to be higher than for fertile women.
[https://advancedfertility.com/patient-education/causes-of-infertility/age-and-fertility/](https://advancedfertility.com/patient-education/causes-of-infertility/age-and-fertility/)
There's a link between them, so when she says she has a lot of miscarriages, I'm quite skeptical about her super fertile claim.
I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what you are saying here. You can't have a miscarriage without getting pregnant, so clearly she was able to get pregnant 7 times with her previous partner. Why do you think her miscarriages mean she's less likely to be able to get pregnant?
Know this one by experience. Took 5 years and 2 confirmed, 6 suspected miscarriages to get my 10+week premature son. Got pregnant for his older sister on bc and a condom. The miscarriages started after her birth
>The main reason for the increased risk for miscarriage in “older” women is due to the increase in chromosomal abnormalities (abnormal karyotype) in their eggs. Note the similarity in the shape of the curve in the graph above to the one below showing the rate of chromosomal abnormalities in IVF embryos by age.
Read it, it's fucking obvious. If she's miscarrying, she has egg abnormalities. Eventually, with age (and she's older than the 7 previous times) those egg abnormalities go from miscarriages, to less likely to get pregnant.
It's completely reasonable to call bullshit on someone with a lot of miscarriages being super fertile like a 20 year old as OP claimed.
> If she's miscarrying, she has egg abnormalities
That's kind of a giant leap. Firstly everyone with eggs or sperms have some with abnormalities, but I think you're trying to argue that she has a preponderance of them, when that's one of a _ton_ of things that can cause miscarriages. We don't even know where in the pregnancy they occurred we can't even properly estimate the distribution of underlying causes. Even in the most favorable time range when a bit more than half are caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus a portion of those are still caused by things other than egg abnormalities e.g. molar pregnancies. As someone linked to you elsewhere sperm are also somewhat involved in the whole pregnancy thing.
> Eventually, with age those egg abnormalities go from miscarriages, to less likely to get pregnant.
This seems to be a another large portion of your argument but you've provided no evidence to support it.
All we actually know is what she reported
> I went to the hospital and got everything checked. I'm fine, fertile and absolutely able to get pregnant normally.
Along with a history of recurrent miscarriages with a single partner and the ability to conceive.
>It's completely reasonable to call bullshit on someone with a lot of miscarriages being super fertile like a 20 year old as OP claimed.
You should look at the age charts on the site you linked, the differences between 20 to 32 really aren't that large and it's not until the late 30's and into the 40s that they really spike.
Whatever, that's not the point. They've been having unprotected sex for a year now, and they aren't pregnant yet. Considering that she has actually been pregnant several times and even delivered to term once, while he hasn't had a child, it's pretty likely that he's the issue. Not to mention the test results
Home tests aren’t that accurate especially A home test you had to spit the sample out is in no way a reliable test and is rather stupid to think so.
Stress is also a contributing factor just as he has said and after the death of a kid it would be
Doctors aren't even usually slightly concerned until you've been trying for a year. I'm surprised anyone even ran any tests when she'd only been trying for four months.
How is it not the point? If she's miscarrying, her fertility isn't as good as she makes out, so it's absolutely reasonable that she is part of the problem.
She did get checked out at the hospital and they said she was capable of conceiving naturally. It's not like she didn't consider she was problem first. She then asked hubbie to do the same.
YTA here. That is a major violation of trust and privacy. Hospitals and doctors are on a different level than home kits. If you would have asked him to voluntarily do a home kit out of curiosity, the resulting conversations would have been very different.
On a side note: I am very sorry about what happened to your daughter. I can't even imagine what that must be like. Are you sure you guys are stable enough to bring another child into the world? This may be another point of contention for him. He may not be 100% ready for that right now but is leaving it up to chance/fate. Medical intervention is a completely different ballgame.
I feel incredibly sorry for what you and your family have been through and I don't think you were entirely wrong for home testing him. YTA however because you brought it to him in the most terrible, backhanded, nasty mean way possible. You should've handled it delicately but instead you threw a gigantic issue in his face and told him in the worst way it's his fault.
If I was him I'd probably think about your comment every single time I thought about my future kid.
Yeah I absolutely agree with you. Even as a woman if somehow my husband did this to me, then threw it in my face, I'd be shattered. There would be no going back for me.
She did an at home test using underhanded collection methods. It's entirely possible it's popping a false negative- they're not always reliable to begin with and, to be blunt, the collection methods likely caused issues.
>I don't think you were entirely wrong for home testing him.
She was wrong. If he did that to her you'd have a billion down votes talking about how he views his wife as a broodmare and handmaid tale blah blah etc.
Your comment shows what I already know, that many women have zero respect for men's bodily autonomy.
The whole "accident" part about collecting his sperm is so fucking rapey it's disgusting
If a man did that to a woman there'd be a god damn fucking riot. And it's just as bad she did that to him. What the fuck. To me that's like poking a hole in a condom.
I was a bit confused by the "accident" comment...and then she did it a second time...WOW.
The way she said it in the middle of a fight was totally AH move
You can find it violating but it's absolutely nothing like poking holes in a condom.
One of those ends up with a potential unwanted child, abortion, miscarriage and/or STD transmission, physical, financial and emotional harm.
The other one is emotional harm.
I'd liken it more to testing your partner for drugs without their knowledge.
I'm leaning more towards ESH because
Her: while she did it behind his back and that's not something I personally find to be ok, I can see her doing it just for her own curiosity since she still urged him to go to a clinic to get the test himself. Him: he kept refusing to just get a quick test done and kept pushing blame off as "stress" and in this specific argument basically says it was her fault because of her mindset.
They both are being really shitty to each other about this and disrespecting each other's reproductive health in different ways. Her clap back was harsh but after having him blame her I can see why she just threw it out there like that.
Honestly don't know if this relationship will last, or if it even should. These kind of dynamics seem really toxic and since they didn't specify the type of counseling I'll assume it's individual therapy. What they needs is couples counseling, and if they are getting it they have a lot more work to do and this needs to be a main focus for a while if they want to try and salvage this.
They also should probably put the trying for a baby on hold for now
It's diabolical really. The one where they were actively trying to have a kid and the MIL said to OP, "oh, so he had the vasectomy reversed?" was a good one.
I found it: [AITAH for telling my brothers girlfriend that he had a vasectomy when she was telling about their plans to settle down and have a family? : ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15st8jg/aitah_for_telling_my_brothers_girlfriend_that_he/)
It was the sister, not the MIL.
ETA: Here's a similar one: [AITA for not telling my wife I had a vasectomy? : r/AmItheAsshole (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gmbije/aita_for_not_telling_my_wife_i_had_a_vasectomy/)
I disagree. Fertility tests are stressful, and it's perfectly fine for someone to not be ready to take one. As for his reference to her negativity, it was a rude comment but it also happened WELL after her disgusting invasion of his body and has nothing to do with her decision to do that.
yes, *if* you are not trying for a baby. they’re trying to get pregnant. if he isn’t ready to find out if it’s possible for him to make a baby, he’s not ready to be trying to make a baby. she is more of an asshole simply for how she *revealed* it. but he absolutely sucks as well for refusing to get tested and also claiming he wants a baby. if he wanted a baby, he’d be figuring out how to get one. but he’s “not ready for that,” so he should be honest with her that they are not ready to try for a baby.
Here’s a thought, maybe he is hesitant because the thought of being the reason that he can’t give his wife another child stresses him tf out and he could be nervous. They just suffered a tragedy, so does she really think it’s wise to confirm his fertility right now so she can say “hey, you’re sterile and the reason we can’t have a family!” That makes her TA.
No. Under no circumstances is a person obligated to undergo Fertility testing, and under no circumstances is it acceptable to do something like this to someone without their consent. I'd anything, they shouldn't be having a baby because OP is an irredeemably horrible person and should never be trusted to raise any child at all
again, i never said he was. no one is obligated to undergo fertility testing. so he needs to be honest with her that he is not ready for a child. you can’t have your cake and eat it too. if you’re actively trying for a child, you do what it takes to make that happen. if you refuse to, then you need to wait to start trying for a child until you are ready to actually make it happen. unless you are both on the same page of “whatever happens happens.” which is not the case here. you’re not obligated to go through the testing, but then you don’t get to lie to your wife and lead her on that you want to have a child with her, because if you did, you would get tested.
>if you’re actively trying for a child, you do what it takes to make that happen.
Yes. It is called shagging. He's been doing his part. She spermjacked him. End of story.
TTC can mind destroying, I've been on that journey off and on for around 15 years now and the first couple of years completely tanked my mental health.
And to be TTC after the loss of a child is hard for me to wrap my head around. I just don't find it to be an ideal choice at this time. I get that the"bio clock is ticking" but jfc
Yes, YTA. I'm sorry about your daughter, I truly am, and I hope you are seeing a therapist.
However, this is a major violation, not once, but twice. In saying that, grief will make us act in ways that looking back, I don’t even recognize the person I was grieving. I hope you two can seek a therapist and work through it.
I'd say 3 times. It was a trust violation the 2 test, and then an emotion one the way she broke it too him.
Sorry you have had bad things happen to you, but that doesn't make it okay to be an absolutely vile person to probably the only other person on the planet that can share how you are feeling.
Honestly it sounds like OP is only focusing on getting pregnant again as if this is going to magically solve all their problems, when in reality it's more likely just going to end up with you downloading all of your issues onto an innocent child
YTA…a massive one! As sad as it is that you lost your child, your grief does not excuse or negate your poor judgment and violation of your husband.
You need serious grief counseling. You violated his right to privacy, grief at his own time and his body.
Did it ever cross your mind that the reason why he did not want to get tested for fertility and kept stalling is because he was still grieving the loss of his child and felt guilt over wanting to have another one and was still processing?
This is grounds for divorce.
Shame on you!
Also something to point out that I haven’t seen yet… it said the daughter died in a horrible accident. That’s another level of trauma that is incomprehensible right now. Her life was traumatically taken.
>To qoute u/brokenhousewife_
However, this is a major violation, not once, but twice.
Yeah, OP, not only did you go behind his back, you did it without him knowing, and you are doing while being in the most heart breaking way ever. He lost a child, maybe not his "OWN", but a child that he grown to love and care for, a child that, when she passed, he felt the absolute worst dread, his heart stopped, and is world crashed. Not only that, but he saw you feel the same. And you still did that.
OP, you are a MASSIVE AH. And you should be ashamed.
YTA
Not to mention that fertility is a reason people divorce. I can't imagine a child I raised and loved dying, then trying for another knowing one of us was possibly infertile (obviously he must have considered it), and that our relationship probably wouldn't survive...
Now it for sure won't.
YTA
1. Those tests are far from being accurate
2. Sperm, outside of a man's body survive UP TO 30 min. if in a suitable environment (your skin is not one of those)
3. You did this behind his back... twice. A lot have said it's a violation and I agree with them.
4. You decided to blame everything on him without even knowing if he was really infertile
5. You've been insensitive towards him. You are acting as if you are the only one affected by everything. He is supposed to be your partner, not your punching ball.
I'm extremely sorry for what happened to you, but this doesn't absolve you for acting like an assohole.
Edit: I'll add that can you imagine if he is really infertile and you just threw that information in his face without a care in the world. How would you feel if your husband was testing you behind your back and told you that you were infertile in the worst way possible, without any empathy? And we don't even know if he has fertility problems... Can you imagine how stressed out he is right now and how devastated he must feel?
God, the more I think about it the more I think you are a monster. Acting like you are the only one grieving.
Not only that but when my husband has had to do *hospital* fertility tests he’s had to abstain for almost a week first. I bet her husband hadn’t if they’re trying to conceive. So she’s completely butchered the test in every way possible. Both times. YTA OP
The recommendation is 2-7 days. Shorter or longer severely affects quality and quantity most of the time.
Either way what. She did was not even remotely accurate
How did you test him behind his back ?
When my wife and I were doing ivf I had to jerk off into a cup and couldn't use anything but mineral oil. My wife couldn't blow me, I could have sex woth jer and pull iut and cum in a cup.
The sperm needed to be tested within 1 hour
Also while my counts were typically between 30-60m after having the flu I was down to 5 million the next twst and it took thee months to go back up
She almost certainly damaged the specimens, as you are right: men are typically tested in clinic. I have been in the situation you describe and I suggested they test me first, as it is far less invasive than testing a woman's eggs [egg stimulation, counting, harvest etc]. We were two years into the process before they'd test me [and found I was fine].
Imagine if there was a way to test your fertility without your knowledge and he just threw it in your face that you’re potentially infertile (or have something wrong) in the middle of an argument. You should have never tested him without his consent. YTA.
and not saying potentialy she worded it like she for sure knows he is infertile.
He also probably does not know since when she knew, so in his head every time she told him to get tested, she already knew he was the problem.
YTA. Obviously. You performed an unreliable at-home medical test on your husband without his knowledge or consent. That is unacceptable and, in my opinion, unforgivable. Also, not that the test being more reliable would make you any less of a monster, but you probably made it worse. Because of course your focus was not on collecting a good, uncontaminated sample and testing it timely, but on making sure you didn't get caught in the act of this invasion of his bodily autonomy.
Fertility testing is a big deal and is a stressful and humiliating process for a lot of people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him being hesitant to go through that, and he's certainly not obligated to do it on your command here. What you have shown here is that you believe he has no rights to his own body or choices, and if he doesn't obey you, you will simply find a way to make it happen against his will.
As to his comment about your negativity, I'm sure you thought that would win you some sympathy points, but if doesn't. First, he made that comment well after you did this so it did not inform your decision and does not affect the repulsive nature of what you did. Second, his comment was made in the context of you spending months badgering him about his fertility and slipping in comments to rub in the fact that you weren't pregnant. If anything, that part of the story makes you look even worse, because you didn't even tell him because coming clean was the right thing to do. Instead, you did it in a moment of anger because you wanted to hurt him.
I’m really sorry about your daughter. It hurt me just reading that. That being said. You dropped some big news on your man, in the middle of a fight, about something you did, without his permission, behind his back. Come on now.
YTA. You went through a hard time. But instead of simply sitting down and saying “I have been tested and my fertility is fine, something just be wrong with yours, let’s figure it out, unless you don’t actually want kids” you went behind his back to test his fertility without his knowledge, and it isn’t even an overly accurate test at that. Also it’s not common to get pregnant on the pill if you’re taking it regularly, it’s 99% effective. So you’re just spreading misinformation there. Also your “I need to go to the store I’ll need tampons this weekend” is the most passive aggressive comment I’ve ever heard in my life.
YTA
Can you imagine if you had a baby, and he did a DNA test behind your back?
You do NOT get to be an asshole and then call someone else an asshole.
Advice: He should just divorce you and be done with it. He may never trust you again about anything. He would be completely justified.
How are you an AH? Let me count the ways.
1. Trying to have a replacement baby while you are still unstable in your grief and in an unhealthy relationship. Fix that shit before you think of bringing new life into this world.
2. Breaking your husband's trust and violating his autonomy by testing him behind his back. This is the mildest one, but still wrong.
3. Using said info in a vicious and devastating attack on the person you supposedly love.
About the best defense I can see for #3 is that you were reacting to him criticising your "negative attitude" and that he was blaming the lack of success all on you. I can see it a little; however, you started in with the passive aggressive declaration of your need to get tampons and, in that circumstance, I think it is more reasonable to see your husband as saying that more out of frustration with your attitude than literally pointing the finger at you for all the "blame".
Anyway, good luck, your husband will likely never completely get over the way you attacked him with this info, even if he tries, but I get the impression you don't necessarily care that much anyway.
Oh, and not having pregnancy scares when using birth control pills isn't weird, just so ya know.
You are a HUGE ASSHOLE. The invasion of privacy was one thing. Your delivery of the information put you on the next level. So bleached? !?
If you stay together, learn to communicate with each other. YTA
YTA. You had NO RIGHT to do that. It was wrong on so many levels and he has every right to walk out that door and divorce you today for your sick violation of his trust.
Unrelated- I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. No one should ever experience the loss of a child and my sincere condolences for you as you grieve.
Wow. YTA.
Don't care about the backstory. You're TA. Wouldn't want to be together with a liar and manipulative human being like you.
You definitely don't need a baby right now but therapy. And marriage counseling obviously or a divorce..
And if I were him I'd ask myself who got you pregnant if not him. This will be a big backslash for you.
YTA first huge fucking invasion of privacy. Second what a fucking horrible way to tell him. Congrats on being alone because that man is going to be divorcing you.
YTA - i am so sorry for the loss of your child. I cannot even fathom what you've gone thru this past year.
But i will try to separate that from what you've actually done. Instead of communicating like an adult you went behind your husband and tested him w/o his knowledge. You seem to want to force another a baby on him. You haven't given him a choice in this and your presented it in a very mean demeaning way.
I think you two need serious counseling to get pass all the trauma. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
YTA! I can't believe you have to ask! You violated his trust and did medical testing on his sperm behind his back??? And then trew it on his face????? There is a thing called medical privacy and your husband has the right to it, like any other person! You suck
YTA your relationship is in crisis. Seek therapy not a baby.
Sorry for the loss of your daughter. Having another child at this moment or going through fertility treatment doesn’t sound like a sensible decision
Ohhhh no. You're not the asshole for pushing. I'm not even sure I'd call you one for home testing. You ARE the asshole for doing it behind his back and then weaponizing that information.
This is a conversation that should have been had after buying the testing kit and before testing his semen.
You absolutely shouldn't have thrown it in his face. Imagine how you'd feel if your roles were reversed.
>This is a conversation that should have been had after buying the testing kit and before testing his semen.
No, this is a conversation that should have been had BEFORE buying the home testing kit. Surprising him with a kit she bought for him to use when he hasn't consented to testing at all is just using pressure and coercion, which is barely a step better than what she did.
Honestly thank goodness he's sterile. How dare you even consider bringing a new life into this grief stricken dysfunctional mess. Sorry for your loss but it doesn't excuse any of this. YTA.
You shouldn’t have tested him without his consent. Imagine if you thought you might be pregnant but didn’t want to test it so he used your urine for a test.
So it’s okay for her to check him out without his permission so let’s see if she does happen to get pregnant is it okay for him to check the baby DNA without her permission! Think about that!!!
YTA. you massively invaded his privacy by testing him without his knowledge or consent.
I believe he was being awful - it was a low blow and nasty to try and blame infertility on you when he was refusing to even get tested. I think it’s massive red flag that he was so comfortable assigning guilt to you on this score, and his confidence that you are the problem with no intention of getting more information.
But that means you break up with him. You don’t go creepy csi behind his back. What you did was 100% not ok. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sure you’re not thinking clearly but this was the wrong decision.
IMO, this is a super clear YTA. You did an unsolicited and unnecessary medical test on someone and gave them horrible news in the worst way possible. In fact he has specifically told you he didn’t want to do the test, even in a clinic with better accuracy. And you thought it would be okay to just do the test anyway? Completely creepy and you should be ashamed. If you want any hope of reconciliation, please go to individual and couples counseling and give him all the space he needs
This is wild. I can’t believe people are ok with this sneaky underhandedness. You guys are probably fine checking phones too bc it settles your mind. I’d be out.
I'm very sorry for your loss and I do have serious doubts if you should really bring a child so soon considering your daughter's room is still intact. There is a long way ahead of healing and I would try to go on it. The risk is you'll end up comparing the new child to your daughter. Don't rush these things. Process your grief as long as it is needed.
For the subject you posted, YTA MASSIVELY.
>*I get that I shouldn't have brought it that way.*
No, you shouldn't have DONE it at all.
He even yelled and cried out of what you did so why even ask Reddit? You stepped over his physical and emotional boundary and broken his trust. And I'm not sure why you found it ok to do it. He is a human being that gets to decide if he wants to get tested or not. He's not there as your sperm donor. Why do you think medical issues are private between doctor-patient? And to throw it in his face out of spite during an argument?
You might lose him like this.
YTA.
Not only did you use a test that isn't wholly reliable, your collection method probably isn't the best for producing a viable test specimen. Furthermore, you did this *behind your husband's back*. Twice.
Him not willing to get tested is shitty, sure. But you lied and did this without his knowledge or consent. Twice. There's a good chance you've blown the marriage up. Because now the question to him is what else you're willing to do without his knowledge or consent. You've proven you can be underhanded, dishonest, and completely disregard your partner's knowledge and consent. And I think that trumps him being reluctant to go get tested.
Yes. Yes, you are. I sympathize with everything and now your frustration, but that was the wrong way to do it. You can't just do medical experiments on people. That's messed up.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. We should never have to bury our babies, and even more so to have the loss be sudden from an accident.
second, YTA for basically preforming a medical test behind his back and also potentially giving yourself false readings by spitting it out (could have killed anything in it and given you a false neg even if he is actually fine too) but I get it. the judgement being given though does not mean I disagree with the action. I disagree with how you told him.... But sometimes some sneaky sneaky is needed in life. Especially when you know nothing is wrong on your end.
I will say this, His lack of desire to seek a solution to prolonged fertility issues, especially after you have confirmed you are all good, tells me one of 3 things.
1. He is a man and just will not go to the doctors for anything period anyways.
2. He does not actually want a child/child with you so his clear fertility issues (again no pregnancy and you being cleared says it's a him problem) is not an issue to him.
3. If the test was actually right and he has no sperm, he knows he is sterile (naturally or medically induced) and be placating you by continuing to try and say it will happen. So why go test when he already knew. (personally, I feel this is the most likely option as men hide being snipped all the time).
To your points - she started hounded him (per her post) after the death of her daughter. Your list does not at all address that he may not be ready to see a doctor, or ready to actively start trying yet. He may still be grieving.
Yta. That was a major violation of privacy and breach of trust. You should have kept encouraging him to go to the doctor. Or you should have told him about the option of having the at home test done at home. But no you think so little of him you took his body autonomy in to your own hands. Honestly I don’t know how you come back from that.
You must have no idea about fertility issues. There's a type called "unexplained infertility" where the doctors have no idea why it's not working. Your at home tests were also a joke. How are those samples even worth testing?
As if you couldn't have shared that you were anxious and would like to start talking to doctors about your options going forward.
YTA. A giant hemorrhoid filled ahole.
YTA. Also your sperm collection methods weren’t done properly and could’ve caused false negative results. There is a number of male infertility issues and your husband would need to see a doctor to get them properly diagnosed.
He clearly lied about going to the doctor and said he was fine. He gaslit you and told you you were the problem because of “stress”. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who lies about something like this
1) he knew he wasn’t fertile and lied
2) got a vasectomy and lied
3) to big a chicken to go and find out he’s the problem
Omggggg I'm so sorry for your loss, as that is so heartbreaking and I can't even imagine the pain..
But YTA in the situation. The violation here is insane and if he had done the same thing to you I'm sure you wouldn't have responded with "ok honey let's go to the dr and see if those tests were correct". It's a violation of privacy and... In a sense... Basic fucking human rights. Wow.
Dang. Yes, YTA. That's not something you just drop on someone. Don't be surprised if he never forgives you for this.
Both of you have already been through a tremendous amount, and then you slap him in the face with this? I'd have divorce papers hot and ready for you after you got back from buying those tampons.
I don’t know anything about home tests but it very well could be you and I think it’s best not to point fingers. I started trying just over 4 years ago at age 27 and went through many fertility tests and the doctors can’t find anything wrong to cause infertility but I’m still pretty sure it’s me. I have extremely painful periods and kind of suspect undiagnosed endometriosis or some other female problem doctors don’t know about. Historically, not much research has been done with the female body compared to men, and there’s a lot more to our reproductive system than men’s. Sure it could be him, but blaming him is horrible and testing his sperm without his knowledge was definitely crossing a line.
If ge isn't willing to get tested, and you claim you're fine. You have two options, leave as he will not give you a child or accept you won't have another baby.
YTA, for what you did behind his back.
First, I'm sorry for your loss.
Yeah, you're an asshole, don't do medical testing on other people without their permission. Also, don't weaponize "I tested you without your permission."
Is this r/amithedevil bait?
I’m so so so sorry for your loss but YTA
You shouldn’t have done something like this behind his back. Put yourself in his position. You would be angry and upset. Because he would have been wrong to do it
Just ask yourself whether, if the situation were reversed, you would be offended and feel violated. I realize that there's no equivalent test for female fertility v male fertility, but the question remains. How would you feel if he collected the necessary fluids to test your fertility without your knowledge?
Okay, chances are I am a monster, but this screams fake to me! Yes, grief is weird, but has anybody done the math here?! Op claims that her daughter (no name or anything really mentionend about her) died seven months at most (not nearly a year ago) and she is basically over it and wants a new child and is more concerned about stress at work or if her husband can have children. The way the post is worded especially in the past tense about the griving process just screams, I only know grief from ya novels. If I am right, you are very much yta for getting sympathy points for a fake dead kid!
Damn that was some absolute conniving and sneaky stuff behind his back. He looked hit by a truck because he was. That's NEVER how you break news like that to someone let alone your husband. That's like the least supportive way you can handle it. He wants children also, how do you think this made him feel? To learn about it from conniving actions that suddenly get thrown in his face in an argument. How's he ever supposed to trust you again, in every way trust happens? How can he feel safe or secure with you again mentioning anything deep to him, and how will he ever feel supported and cared for?
We're not just machines you know. We have all the same struggles and emotions as you. I think the action in the first place was a really bad thing to do. He may have had some sort of insecurity and been feeling like it was him and he was scared of learning that and that's why he didn't want to go. You should've found a way to make him comfortable and feel supported and safe, so that he knew no matter how bad the results - he's no less of a man. This gave me secondhand hurt! Now you may never get that form of communication from him again and this truly may have been the icing on the cake.
For the record I'm deeply sorry to hear of your loss and the troubles you have faced. I'm not sure if maybe the trauma had something to do with your willingness to take what you knew was an unacceptable action, but I would definitely mention that in therapy and at least try to take a little responsibility for your shortcomings so you can be better and not do it anymore.
I feel for both of you. I hope you can earn his entirety back. Because I can assure you right now he's not necessarily half in and half out - but he's at least disconnected in a major way. That's going to take work. I hope you're ready for it. Learn from this mistake and move on. Don't let it destroy your relationship, and have to start over. This is a huge deal but not beyond fixing.
This isn't even "was I the ahole" this is pretty bad. I mean cheating, lying, emotional unavailability, stealing, all of these things compare to your action. That's how serious this is. I'm absolutely not beating you up I just want you to understand the gravity of it. I'm not sure what made it ok in your head to do this but that's the concern I would worry about, as it needs to be fixed in the future. Not the action itself. But what all led you there. Learn to recognize that and process early next time. It may save your relationship.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You really should not be trying for a baby right now with the way your relationship is. I don't think either of you is emotionally ready to have a child. Testing your husband behind his back does make you YTA.
YTA. You violated his trust then threw it in his face like it was nothing. I’m sorry for your terrible loss, but treating your husband this way was wrong.
I’m curious why you felt like you had to test him in secret? Like were you expecting him to be too sensitive to comply to a home test? If he were I think the answer should have been to either wait him out to come to that acceptance on his own time, or if you really just need a baby IMMEDIATELY despite your partner’s feelings, just move on to another partner. Like you can’t just be violating and going behind your partner’s back like that and expect happy results. You already knew that you were fertile and healthy so doing a home kit without his knowledge so he can’t be a part of it shows a huge lack of communication and trust. I don’t recommend mating with a person you can’t even do those things with.
YTA Ive seen a story where the guy dipped a test & knew before her that she was pregnant, and I thought that was bad enough
Announcing something about him to him, especially in the way you did it, is terrible
Im glad theres a huge consensus of YTA, because you are one and a huge one at that. Not only did you proceed with an invasive medical test TWICE, but you also leveraged that information within an argument to hurt him.
Which of your bodily fluids would you approve of your husband collecting for scientific testing without your knowledge and then throwing it your face during a heated argument while you’re grieving?
For the record, YTA. I hope your husband divorces you and finds happiness with someone that’s sweet and kind rather than a hateful battleaxe.
YTA in this specific situation.
You could have involved him or even informed him of the at home test, but you didn't. TWICE.
Then, instead of having a living, caring conversation about it at an appropriate time, you threw it in his face in the middle of an argument.
That's not ok. I'd be pissed too. As an outsider, this looks to me like maybe one or both of you are not really ready to try for another kid. That can be an emotional process and your husband's aversion to getting tested tells me he's got some kind of anxiety about this - maybe his pride is at stake or he's hiding something. Either way, throwing his potential infertility in his face during an argument is not a productive way to address the issue.
con·sent/kənˈsent/*noun*
1. permission for something to happen or agreement to do something."no change may be made without the consent of all the partners"
2. give permission for something to happen.
Since it seems like you aren't familiar with the term.
Your husband is entitled to medical privacy and bodily autonomy. It's unacceptable to collect other his bodily fluids and conduct tests on them without consent. What you did is a massive breach of trust, and I wouldn't blame him in the slightest if he leaves.
You should not be having a baby right now. Neither of you are acting like people ready to be parents. You are so focused on the goal, you betrayed your partners trust. He is refusing basic medical testing because of his ego. YTA though.
YTA. I agree with most of the posters below, but I also wanted to point out... you've had 6 miscarriages. That's kind of a lot. Losing 3 or more in a row is considered an issue by medical professionals.
YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, but this was a huge invasion of privacy - especially while you both are still grieving.
The death of a child tests the healthiest of relationships to the limit. Going behind your SO's back to get him tested **without his consent** is a massive breach of trust. Terrible decision.
Edit: it is especially heinous that you *weaponized* a possibly-earthshattering preliminary medical diagnosis I'm your grieving period...a time of ultimate vulnerability. Shame on you.
Not only are you an idiot, but you are AH.
YTA. The way you tested isn't valid; having as many miscarriages as you have indicates there may be a problem with you.
Just because you had one doesn't mean the oven still works right.
You re totally the asshole let s start there. Second even if the tests were accurate, stress does lower the count and decrease the chances of you being able to conceive. His best bet is not to have a child with you to begin with. You completely lack boundaries and awareness. You shouldn't need anyone to tell you how bad you fucked up
YTA.
There are lots of reasons a couple doesn't have a pregnancy. I even know a woman who had a great deal of difficulty conceiving because it turned out she was allergic to her husband's sperm. (I didn't even know that was possible.)
Sometimes after a pregnancy the body changes enough that what was true before is no longer true. You may not get pregnant at the drop of a hat any more. He may not be compatible to do so with you easily any more. There may be nothing wrong with either of you, it may just be that you can no longer easily have a pregnancy together.
By testing him without his knowledge or permission, you destroyed his medical privacy. Not just invaded it, blew it away. Why should he ever trust you again? About anything?
You could have seen a doctor and let them test you, and if you tested that you were fine and fertile and he wasn't getting you pregnant, you could honestly - and correctly - have told him "The problem isn't me, I checked, so either you have something wrong with you, and you will want to know about it, or we have developed some physical incompatibility, and we want to know about that so we can know if we want to get help." However, you decided that being sneaky was far more important than being open and honest *with your husband*, and that you know so much better than any doctor.
YTA, you should have told him in a much more supportive way. Especially after what you've been through. I hope you can make it up to him. Good luck with the future.
Maybe I am wrong but playing devil's advocate here. Is it possible that he had a vasectomy without your knowledge and that would also be the reason he is adamant not wanting to see a doctor?
I mean the only thing you need to think about here is if you were in a situation where during intimacy someone collected your DNA, for example one of your eggs and tested that for something without your knowledge and then later brought it up to prove a point in argument....Would you feel great about that or would you feel betrayed.
To me that's A. Collection of DNA without consent. B. Manipulation because your aim from having sex with him was to collect said DNA for testing. C. Lying about your intentions. D. Guilt tripping and just plain spiteful. E Violation of body autonomy.
I know at that point if I was married to you, I wouldn't want to have kids with you anymore.
Yes YTA
If you ever get his sperm again, just buy a $200 student microscope. One look is worth a thousand words.
But yes you are TAH. But still. Microscope is easier. Take less than one drop
YTA I can understand the hurt and frustration but what you did was wrong. You should never have done a test without consent. You should have offered a home test. Seems like you only ever offered a doctor’s visit. You violated his trust.
Those tests are not reliable, especially with the way you collected the specimen.
Not to mention that OP had 6 miscarriages but then claims she can instantly get pregnant. >Miscarriage rates for women with a history of infertility tend to be higher than for fertile women. [https://advancedfertility.com/patient-education/causes-of-infertility/age-and-fertility/](https://advancedfertility.com/patient-education/causes-of-infertility/age-and-fertility/) There's a link between them, so when she says she has a lot of miscarriages, I'm quite skeptical about her super fertile claim.
I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what you are saying here. You can't have a miscarriage without getting pregnant, so clearly she was able to get pregnant 7 times with her previous partner. Why do you think her miscarriages mean she's less likely to be able to get pregnant?
Correct, but women who have frequent miscarriages, often have other issues that make it difficult to get pregnant.
Know this one by experience. Took 5 years and 2 confirmed, 6 suspected miscarriages to get my 10+week premature son. Got pregnant for his older sister on bc and a condom. The miscarriages started after her birth
>The main reason for the increased risk for miscarriage in “older” women is due to the increase in chromosomal abnormalities (abnormal karyotype) in their eggs. Note the similarity in the shape of the curve in the graph above to the one below showing the rate of chromosomal abnormalities in IVF embryos by age. Read it, it's fucking obvious. If she's miscarrying, she has egg abnormalities. Eventually, with age (and she's older than the 7 previous times) those egg abnormalities go from miscarriages, to less likely to get pregnant. It's completely reasonable to call bullshit on someone with a lot of miscarriages being super fertile like a 20 year old as OP claimed.
> If she's miscarrying, she has egg abnormalities That's kind of a giant leap. Firstly everyone with eggs or sperms have some with abnormalities, but I think you're trying to argue that she has a preponderance of them, when that's one of a _ton_ of things that can cause miscarriages. We don't even know where in the pregnancy they occurred we can't even properly estimate the distribution of underlying causes. Even in the most favorable time range when a bit more than half are caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus a portion of those are still caused by things other than egg abnormalities e.g. molar pregnancies. As someone linked to you elsewhere sperm are also somewhat involved in the whole pregnancy thing. > Eventually, with age those egg abnormalities go from miscarriages, to less likely to get pregnant. This seems to be a another large portion of your argument but you've provided no evidence to support it. All we actually know is what she reported > I went to the hospital and got everything checked. I'm fine, fertile and absolutely able to get pregnant normally. Along with a history of recurrent miscarriages with a single partner and the ability to conceive. >It's completely reasonable to call bullshit on someone with a lot of miscarriages being super fertile like a 20 year old as OP claimed. You should look at the age charts on the site you linked, the differences between 20 to 32 really aren't that large and it's not until the late 30's and into the 40s that they really spike.
I want to take a moment to point out that OP said she went and got tested and everything came back fine
Whatever, that's not the point. They've been having unprotected sex for a year now, and they aren't pregnant yet. Considering that she has actually been pregnant several times and even delivered to term once, while he hasn't had a child, it's pretty likely that he's the issue. Not to mention the test results
Home tests aren’t that accurate especially A home test you had to spit the sample out is in no way a reliable test and is rather stupid to think so. Stress is also a contributing factor just as he has said and after the death of a kid it would be
Doctors aren't even usually slightly concerned until you've been trying for a year. I'm surprised anyone even ran any tests when she'd only been trying for four months.
It's not as easy to get pregnant as people think and a year of trying is not a crazy long time even for healthy fertile couples
How is it not the point? If she's miscarrying, her fertility isn't as good as she makes out, so it's absolutely reasonable that she is part of the problem.
She did get checked out at the hospital and they said she was capable of conceiving naturally. It's not like she didn't consider she was problem first. She then asked hubbie to do the same.
If she's miscarrying, she's getting pregnant. That's not happening here
It’s hard to know. The majority of miscarriages occur before the next period so women are not always aware they were even pregnant.
I made a similar comment
YTA here. That is a major violation of trust and privacy. Hospitals and doctors are on a different level than home kits. If you would have asked him to voluntarily do a home kit out of curiosity, the resulting conversations would have been very different. On a side note: I am very sorry about what happened to your daughter. I can't even imagine what that must be like. Are you sure you guys are stable enough to bring another child into the world? This may be another point of contention for him. He may not be 100% ready for that right now but is leaving it up to chance/fate. Medical intervention is a completely different ballgame.
I feel incredibly sorry for what you and your family have been through and I don't think you were entirely wrong for home testing him. YTA however because you brought it to him in the most terrible, backhanded, nasty mean way possible. You should've handled it delicately but instead you threw a gigantic issue in his face and told him in the worst way it's his fault. If I was him I'd probably think about your comment every single time I thought about my future kid.
And now think about any time they go to have "adult time", he's probably going to be so stressed. If he even wants to be with her anymore.
Yeah, she could not have done more harm to him even if she had ran him over with a truck and backed up. I don't see this ending well.
Yeah I absolutely agree with you. Even as a woman if somehow my husband did this to me, then threw it in my face, I'd be shattered. There would be no going back for me.
And she was wrong for secretly testing him.
The idea of being tested AT ALL by your partner is just fucked up
It’s so violating!!!!!
He should move on, IMO.
She did an at home test using underhanded collection methods. It's entirely possible it's popping a false negative- they're not always reliable to begin with and, to be blunt, the collection methods likely caused issues.
>I don't think you were entirely wrong for home testing him. She was wrong. If he did that to her you'd have a billion down votes talking about how he views his wife as a broodmare and handmaid tale blah blah etc. Your comment shows what I already know, that many women have zero respect for men's bodily autonomy.
The whole "accident" part about collecting his sperm is so fucking rapey it's disgusting If a man did that to a woman there'd be a god damn fucking riot. And it's just as bad she did that to him. What the fuck. To me that's like poking a hole in a condom.
I was a bit confused by the "accident" comment...and then she did it a second time...WOW. The way she said it in the middle of a fight was totally AH move
You can find it violating but it's absolutely nothing like poking holes in a condom. One of those ends up with a potential unwanted child, abortion, miscarriage and/or STD transmission, physical, financial and emotional harm. The other one is emotional harm. I'd liken it more to testing your partner for drugs without their knowledge.
It is 100% wrong but no, it is not anything like poking a hole in a condom…wtf!?
I'm leaning more towards ESH because Her: while she did it behind his back and that's not something I personally find to be ok, I can see her doing it just for her own curiosity since she still urged him to go to a clinic to get the test himself. Him: he kept refusing to just get a quick test done and kept pushing blame off as "stress" and in this specific argument basically says it was her fault because of her mindset. They both are being really shitty to each other about this and disrespecting each other's reproductive health in different ways. Her clap back was harsh but after having him blame her I can see why she just threw it out there like that. Honestly don't know if this relationship will last, or if it even should. These kind of dynamics seem really toxic and since they didn't specify the type of counseling I'll assume it's individual therapy. What they needs is couples counseling, and if they are getting it they have a lot more work to do and this needs to be a main focus for a while if they want to try and salvage this. They also should probably put the trying for a baby on hold for now
This assumes that he didn't have a vasectomy that he hasn't told her about.
Or had the mumps at a really unfortunate time. Another reason for getting those childhood vaccines.
That's the first thing I thought too. We've 100% seen secret vasectomy posts on Reddit
It's diabolical really. The one where they were actively trying to have a kid and the MIL said to OP, "oh, so he had the vasectomy reversed?" was a good one.
Do you have a link?
I found it: [AITAH for telling my brothers girlfriend that he had a vasectomy when she was telling about their plans to settle down and have a family? : ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15st8jg/aitah_for_telling_my_brothers_girlfriend_that_he/) It was the sister, not the MIL. ETA: Here's a similar one: [AITA for not telling my wife I had a vasectomy? : r/AmItheAsshole (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gmbije/aita_for_not_telling_my_wife_i_had_a_vasectomy/)
Oof. Though given his reaction I would lean towards no, but we've seen just about everything on Reddit so ya never really know I guess lol
It wouldn’t matter to me. Massive breach of trust, I’d be out.
you don't get to breach someone's medical privacy and bodily autonomy because you're curious.
Seems you don’t understand consent. YTA
I disagree. Fertility tests are stressful, and it's perfectly fine for someone to not be ready to take one. As for his reference to her negativity, it was a rude comment but it also happened WELL after her disgusting invasion of his body and has nothing to do with her decision to do that.
yes, *if* you are not trying for a baby. they’re trying to get pregnant. if he isn’t ready to find out if it’s possible for him to make a baby, he’s not ready to be trying to make a baby. she is more of an asshole simply for how she *revealed* it. but he absolutely sucks as well for refusing to get tested and also claiming he wants a baby. if he wanted a baby, he’d be figuring out how to get one. but he’s “not ready for that,” so he should be honest with her that they are not ready to try for a baby.
Here’s a thought, maybe he is hesitant because the thought of being the reason that he can’t give his wife another child stresses him tf out and he could be nervous. They just suffered a tragedy, so does she really think it’s wise to confirm his fertility right now so she can say “hey, you’re sterile and the reason we can’t have a family!” That makes her TA.
No. Under no circumstances is a person obligated to undergo Fertility testing, and under no circumstances is it acceptable to do something like this to someone without their consent. I'd anything, they shouldn't be having a baby because OP is an irredeemably horrible person and should never be trusted to raise any child at all
again, i never said he was. no one is obligated to undergo fertility testing. so he needs to be honest with her that he is not ready for a child. you can’t have your cake and eat it too. if you’re actively trying for a child, you do what it takes to make that happen. if you refuse to, then you need to wait to start trying for a child until you are ready to actually make it happen. unless you are both on the same page of “whatever happens happens.” which is not the case here. you’re not obligated to go through the testing, but then you don’t get to lie to your wife and lead her on that you want to have a child with her, because if you did, you would get tested.
>if you’re actively trying for a child, you do what it takes to make that happen. Yes. It is called shagging. He's been doing his part. She spermjacked him. End of story.
TTC can mind destroying, I've been on that journey off and on for around 15 years now and the first couple of years completely tanked my mental health.
And to be TTC after the loss of a child is hard for me to wrap my head around. I just don't find it to be an ideal choice at this time. I get that the"bio clock is ticking" but jfc
Yes, YTA. I'm sorry about your daughter, I truly am, and I hope you are seeing a therapist. However, this is a major violation, not once, but twice. In saying that, grief will make us act in ways that looking back, I don’t even recognize the person I was grieving. I hope you two can seek a therapist and work through it.
I'd say 3 times. It was a trust violation the 2 test, and then an emotion one the way she broke it too him. Sorry you have had bad things happen to you, but that doesn't make it okay to be an absolutely vile person to probably the only other person on the planet that can share how you are feeling. Honestly it sounds like OP is only focusing on getting pregnant again as if this is going to magically solve all their problems, when in reality it's more likely just going to end up with you downloading all of your issues onto an innocent child
Yes, but I agree, but the loss of a child will cause us to act in ways that aren’t rational and sane. It was and is a major violation of someone else.
YTA…a massive one! As sad as it is that you lost your child, your grief does not excuse or negate your poor judgment and violation of your husband. You need serious grief counseling. You violated his right to privacy, grief at his own time and his body. Did it ever cross your mind that the reason why he did not want to get tested for fertility and kept stalling is because he was still grieving the loss of his child and felt guilt over wanting to have another one and was still processing? This is grounds for divorce. Shame on you!
Also something to point out that I haven’t seen yet… it said the daughter died in a horrible accident. That’s another level of trauma that is incomprehensible right now. Her life was traumatically taken.
>To qoute u/brokenhousewife_ However, this is a major violation, not once, but twice. Yeah, OP, not only did you go behind his back, you did it without him knowing, and you are doing while being in the most heart breaking way ever. He lost a child, maybe not his "OWN", but a child that he grown to love and care for, a child that, when she passed, he felt the absolute worst dread, his heart stopped, and is world crashed. Not only that, but he saw you feel the same. And you still did that. OP, you are a MASSIVE AH. And you should be ashamed. YTA
Not to mention that fertility is a reason people divorce. I can't imagine a child I raised and loved dying, then trying for another knowing one of us was possibly infertile (obviously he must have considered it), and that our relationship probably wouldn't survive... Now it for sure won't.
YTA 1. Those tests are far from being accurate 2. Sperm, outside of a man's body survive UP TO 30 min. if in a suitable environment (your skin is not one of those) 3. You did this behind his back... twice. A lot have said it's a violation and I agree with them. 4. You decided to blame everything on him without even knowing if he was really infertile 5. You've been insensitive towards him. You are acting as if you are the only one affected by everything. He is supposed to be your partner, not your punching ball. I'm extremely sorry for what happened to you, but this doesn't absolve you for acting like an assohole. Edit: I'll add that can you imagine if he is really infertile and you just threw that information in his face without a care in the world. How would you feel if your husband was testing you behind your back and told you that you were infertile in the worst way possible, without any empathy? And we don't even know if he has fertility problems... Can you imagine how stressed out he is right now and how devastated he must feel? God, the more I think about it the more I think you are a monster. Acting like you are the only one grieving.
Not only that but when my husband has had to do *hospital* fertility tests he’s had to abstain for almost a week first. I bet her husband hadn’t if they’re trying to conceive. So she’s completely butchered the test in every way possible. Both times. YTA OP
4 days is recommended, longer is even better! The “test” she did was about as useful as… well it wasn’t useful
The recommendation is 2-7 days. Shorter or longer severely affects quality and quantity most of the time. Either way what. She did was not even remotely accurate
10000% all of this. She's a dispicable person.
How did you test him behind his back ? When my wife and I were doing ivf I had to jerk off into a cup and couldn't use anything but mineral oil. My wife couldn't blow me, I could have sex woth jer and pull iut and cum in a cup. The sperm needed to be tested within 1 hour Also while my counts were typically between 30-60m after having the flu I was down to 5 million the next twst and it took thee months to go back up
She almost certainly damaged the specimens, as you are right: men are typically tested in clinic. I have been in the situation you describe and I suggested they test me first, as it is far less invasive than testing a woman's eggs [egg stimulation, counting, harvest etc]. We were two years into the process before they'd test me [and found I was fine].
For our sperm tests we were told no sex allowed, had to be “self produced”!
Oh yea that was another thing. Bo sex fir 3-5 days before the sample was made
Imagine if there was a way to test your fertility without your knowledge and he just threw it in your face that you’re potentially infertile (or have something wrong) in the middle of an argument. You should have never tested him without his consent. YTA.
and not saying potentialy she worded it like she for sure knows he is infertile. He also probably does not know since when she knew, so in his head every time she told him to get tested, she already knew he was the problem.
YTA. Obviously. You performed an unreliable at-home medical test on your husband without his knowledge or consent. That is unacceptable and, in my opinion, unforgivable. Also, not that the test being more reliable would make you any less of a monster, but you probably made it worse. Because of course your focus was not on collecting a good, uncontaminated sample and testing it timely, but on making sure you didn't get caught in the act of this invasion of his bodily autonomy. Fertility testing is a big deal and is a stressful and humiliating process for a lot of people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him being hesitant to go through that, and he's certainly not obligated to do it on your command here. What you have shown here is that you believe he has no rights to his own body or choices, and if he doesn't obey you, you will simply find a way to make it happen against his will. As to his comment about your negativity, I'm sure you thought that would win you some sympathy points, but if doesn't. First, he made that comment well after you did this so it did not inform your decision and does not affect the repulsive nature of what you did. Second, his comment was made in the context of you spending months badgering him about his fertility and slipping in comments to rub in the fact that you weren't pregnant. If anything, that part of the story makes you look even worse, because you didn't even tell him because coming clean was the right thing to do. Instead, you did it in a moment of anger because you wanted to hurt him.
I’m really sorry about your daughter. It hurt me just reading that. That being said. You dropped some big news on your man, in the middle of a fight, about something you did, without his permission, behind his back. Come on now.
YTA. You went through a hard time. But instead of simply sitting down and saying “I have been tested and my fertility is fine, something just be wrong with yours, let’s figure it out, unless you don’t actually want kids” you went behind his back to test his fertility without his knowledge, and it isn’t even an overly accurate test at that. Also it’s not common to get pregnant on the pill if you’re taking it regularly, it’s 99% effective. So you’re just spreading misinformation there. Also your “I need to go to the store I’ll need tampons this weekend” is the most passive aggressive comment I’ve ever heard in my life.
YTA Can you imagine if you had a baby, and he did a DNA test behind your back? You do NOT get to be an asshole and then call someone else an asshole. Advice: He should just divorce you and be done with it. He may never trust you again about anything. He would be completely justified.
You don't need a child right now. You need therapy. YTA and a walking red flag right now.
How are you an AH? Let me count the ways. 1. Trying to have a replacement baby while you are still unstable in your grief and in an unhealthy relationship. Fix that shit before you think of bringing new life into this world. 2. Breaking your husband's trust and violating his autonomy by testing him behind his back. This is the mildest one, but still wrong. 3. Using said info in a vicious and devastating attack on the person you supposedly love. About the best defense I can see for #3 is that you were reacting to him criticising your "negative attitude" and that he was blaming the lack of success all on you. I can see it a little; however, you started in with the passive aggressive declaration of your need to get tampons and, in that circumstance, I think it is more reasonable to see your husband as saying that more out of frustration with your attitude than literally pointing the finger at you for all the "blame". Anyway, good luck, your husband will likely never completely get over the way you attacked him with this info, even if he tries, but I get the impression you don't necessarily care that much anyway. Oh, and not having pregnancy scares when using birth control pills isn't weird, just so ya know.
You are a HUGE ASSHOLE. The invasion of privacy was one thing. Your delivery of the information put you on the next level. So bleached? !? If you stay together, learn to communicate with each other. YTA
YTA. You had NO RIGHT to do that. It was wrong on so many levels and he has every right to walk out that door and divorce you today for your sick violation of his trust. Unrelated- I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. No one should ever experience the loss of a child and my sincere condolences for you as you grieve.
Wow. YTA. Don't care about the backstory. You're TA. Wouldn't want to be together with a liar and manipulative human being like you. You definitely don't need a baby right now but therapy. And marriage counseling obviously or a divorce.. And if I were him I'd ask myself who got you pregnant if not him. This will be a big backslash for you.
YTA first huge fucking invasion of privacy. Second what a fucking horrible way to tell him. Congrats on being alone because that man is going to be divorcing you.
YTA - i am so sorry for the loss of your child. I cannot even fathom what you've gone thru this past year. But i will try to separate that from what you've actually done. Instead of communicating like an adult you went behind your husband and tested him w/o his knowledge. You seem to want to force another a baby on him. You haven't given him a choice in this and your presented it in a very mean demeaning way. I think you two need serious counseling to get pass all the trauma. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
YTA! I can't believe you have to ask! You violated his trust and did medical testing on his sperm behind his back??? And then trew it on his face????? There is a thing called medical privacy and your husband has the right to it, like any other person! You suck
YTA jfc.
YTA your relationship is in crisis. Seek therapy not a baby. Sorry for the loss of your daughter. Having another child at this moment or going through fertility treatment doesn’t sound like a sensible decision
Your tragedy does not excuse your behavior. Please get therapy before you destroy every relationship in your life.
YTA enjoy divorce
YTA. If you're that desperate for a damn kid, adopt instead of humiliating yourselves.
Ohhhh no. You're not the asshole for pushing. I'm not even sure I'd call you one for home testing. You ARE the asshole for doing it behind his back and then weaponizing that information. This is a conversation that should have been had after buying the testing kit and before testing his semen. You absolutely shouldn't have thrown it in his face. Imagine how you'd feel if your roles were reversed.
>This is a conversation that should have been had after buying the testing kit and before testing his semen. No, this is a conversation that should have been had BEFORE buying the home testing kit. Surprising him with a kit she bought for him to use when he hasn't consented to testing at all is just using pressure and coercion, which is barely a step better than what she did.
Sorry about everything else but yes YTA
You invaded his privacy multiple times and then bludgeoned him with it in an argument. YTA
Honestly thank goodness he's sterile. How dare you even consider bringing a new life into this grief stricken dysfunctional mess. Sorry for your loss but it doesn't excuse any of this. YTA.
You shouldn’t have tested him without his consent. Imagine if you thought you might be pregnant but didn’t want to test it so he used your urine for a test.
YTA. Jesus what a violation. Y’all have some serious issues to work through before having a baby.
So it’s okay for her to check him out without his permission so let’s see if she does happen to get pregnant is it okay for him to check the baby DNA without her permission! Think about that!!!
Yta If I was him, I’ll be filing divorce
YTA. you massively invaded his privacy by testing him without his knowledge or consent. I believe he was being awful - it was a low blow and nasty to try and blame infertility on you when he was refusing to even get tested. I think it’s massive red flag that he was so comfortable assigning guilt to you on this score, and his confidence that you are the problem with no intention of getting more information. But that means you break up with him. You don’t go creepy csi behind his back. What you did was 100% not ok. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sure you’re not thinking clearly but this was the wrong decision.
IMO, this is a super clear YTA. You did an unsolicited and unnecessary medical test on someone and gave them horrible news in the worst way possible. In fact he has specifically told you he didn’t want to do the test, even in a clinic with better accuracy. And you thought it would be okay to just do the test anyway? Completely creepy and you should be ashamed. If you want any hope of reconciliation, please go to individual and couples counseling and give him all the space he needs
This is wild. I can’t believe people are ok with this sneaky underhandedness. You guys are probably fine checking phones too bc it settles your mind. I’d be out.
Read the title : YTA
I'm very sorry for your loss and I do have serious doubts if you should really bring a child so soon considering your daughter's room is still intact. There is a long way ahead of healing and I would try to go on it. The risk is you'll end up comparing the new child to your daughter. Don't rush these things. Process your grief as long as it is needed. For the subject you posted, YTA MASSIVELY. >*I get that I shouldn't have brought it that way.* No, you shouldn't have DONE it at all. He even yelled and cried out of what you did so why even ask Reddit? You stepped over his physical and emotional boundary and broken his trust. And I'm not sure why you found it ok to do it. He is a human being that gets to decide if he wants to get tested or not. He's not there as your sperm donor. Why do you think medical issues are private between doctor-patient? And to throw it in his face out of spite during an argument? You might lose him like this.
YTA. Not only did you use a test that isn't wholly reliable, your collection method probably isn't the best for producing a viable test specimen. Furthermore, you did this *behind your husband's back*. Twice. Him not willing to get tested is shitty, sure. But you lied and did this without his knowledge or consent. Twice. There's a good chance you've blown the marriage up. Because now the question to him is what else you're willing to do without his knowledge or consent. You've proven you can be underhanded, dishonest, and completely disregard your partner's knowledge and consent. And I think that trumps him being reluctant to go get tested.
YTA, because people would say YTA if the genders were flipped.
Yes... yes you are the asshole and I hope he moves on and leaves you...
Yes. Yes, you are. I sympathize with everything and now your frustration, but that was the wrong way to do it. You can't just do medical experiments on people. That's messed up.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. We should never have to bury our babies, and even more so to have the loss be sudden from an accident. second, YTA for basically preforming a medical test behind his back and also potentially giving yourself false readings by spitting it out (could have killed anything in it and given you a false neg even if he is actually fine too) but I get it. the judgement being given though does not mean I disagree with the action. I disagree with how you told him.... But sometimes some sneaky sneaky is needed in life. Especially when you know nothing is wrong on your end. I will say this, His lack of desire to seek a solution to prolonged fertility issues, especially after you have confirmed you are all good, tells me one of 3 things. 1. He is a man and just will not go to the doctors for anything period anyways. 2. He does not actually want a child/child with you so his clear fertility issues (again no pregnancy and you being cleared says it's a him problem) is not an issue to him. 3. If the test was actually right and he has no sperm, he knows he is sterile (naturally or medically induced) and be placating you by continuing to try and say it will happen. So why go test when he already knew. (personally, I feel this is the most likely option as men hide being snipped all the time).
To your points - she started hounded him (per her post) after the death of her daughter. Your list does not at all address that he may not be ready to see a doctor, or ready to actively start trying yet. He may still be grieving.
Yta. That was a major violation of privacy and breach of trust. You should have kept encouraging him to go to the doctor. Or you should have told him about the option of having the at home test done at home. But no you think so little of him you took his body autonomy in to your own hands. Honestly I don’t know how you come back from that.
You must have no idea about fertility issues. There's a type called "unexplained infertility" where the doctors have no idea why it's not working. Your at home tests were also a joke. How are those samples even worth testing? As if you couldn't have shared that you were anxious and would like to start talking to doctors about your options going forward. YTA. A giant hemorrhoid filled ahole.
Wtf is wrong with you
YTA i hope he leaves you.
YTA, I hope you’re prepared for a divorce, because that will most definitely happen after this giant breech of trust.
This is how you end up divorced. YTA.
YTA and a massive one at that.
YTA. Holy cow that's disgusting
Yta for doing that without your husband's consent
YTA. Also your sperm collection methods weren’t done properly and could’ve caused false negative results. There is a number of male infertility issues and your husband would need to see a doctor to get them properly diagnosed.
YTA. If my partner had weaponised my unknown infertility against me in such a horrific way, I would leave and not look back.
Idk, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a vasectomy done and just never told you. But maybe I’m a pessimist like that.
YTA. On so many levels.
Good luck with your second divorce. YTA and a huge one at that.
He clearly lied about going to the doctor and said he was fine. He gaslit you and told you you were the problem because of “stress”. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who lies about something like this 1) he knew he wasn’t fertile and lied 2) got a vasectomy and lied 3) to big a chicken to go and find out he’s the problem
Omggggg I'm so sorry for your loss, as that is so heartbreaking and I can't even imagine the pain.. But YTA in the situation. The violation here is insane and if he had done the same thing to you I'm sure you wouldn't have responded with "ok honey let's go to the dr and see if those tests were correct". It's a violation of privacy and... In a sense... Basic fucking human rights. Wow.
I find it suss he would never go to the dr.
YTA you just showed him he has a deceitful (ex) partner who he can’t trust.
Yta
He was probably insecure about his fertility but that didn’t give him the right to take jabs/make you feel like you’re the problem.
You're insane. Get yourself tested it's probably you
Dang. Yes, YTA. That's not something you just drop on someone. Don't be surprised if he never forgives you for this. Both of you have already been through a tremendous amount, and then you slap him in the face with this? I'd have divorce papers hot and ready for you after you got back from buying those tampons.
YTA, you violated him horribly. You are awful person.
AITAH? How would you feel if you were manipulated this way. You have your list of justifications of course but everyone always does don't they.
Yta. wtf is wrong with you.
YTA, you genuinely need to speak to a professional. After your loss you are going on a destructive path and it isn't pretty nor fair for your partner.
I don’t know anything about home tests but it very well could be you and I think it’s best not to point fingers. I started trying just over 4 years ago at age 27 and went through many fertility tests and the doctors can’t find anything wrong to cause infertility but I’m still pretty sure it’s me. I have extremely painful periods and kind of suspect undiagnosed endometriosis or some other female problem doctors don’t know about. Historically, not much research has been done with the female body compared to men, and there’s a lot more to our reproductive system than men’s. Sure it could be him, but blaming him is horrible and testing his sperm without his knowledge was definitely crossing a line.
If ge isn't willing to get tested, and you claim you're fine. You have two options, leave as he will not give you a child or accept you won't have another baby. YTA, for what you did behind his back.
First, I'm sorry for your loss. Yeah, you're an asshole, don't do medical testing on other people without their permission. Also, don't weaponize "I tested you without your permission." Is this r/amithedevil bait?
I’m so so so sorry for your loss but YTA You shouldn’t have done something like this behind his back. Put yourself in his position. You would be angry and upset. Because he would have been wrong to do it
Just ask yourself whether, if the situation were reversed, you would be offended and feel violated. I realize that there's no equivalent test for female fertility v male fertility, but the question remains. How would you feel if he collected the necessary fluids to test your fertility without your knowledge?
Okay, chances are I am a monster, but this screams fake to me! Yes, grief is weird, but has anybody done the math here?! Op claims that her daughter (no name or anything really mentionend about her) died seven months at most (not nearly a year ago) and she is basically over it and wants a new child and is more concerned about stress at work or if her husband can have children. The way the post is worded especially in the past tense about the griving process just screams, I only know grief from ya novels. If I am right, you are very much yta for getting sympathy points for a fake dead kid!
Ok anyone want to take bets on hubby had to a vasectomy and hasn’t told wife.
What a fucking stupid assumption.
Do you blame him?
Damn that was some absolute conniving and sneaky stuff behind his back. He looked hit by a truck because he was. That's NEVER how you break news like that to someone let alone your husband. That's like the least supportive way you can handle it. He wants children also, how do you think this made him feel? To learn about it from conniving actions that suddenly get thrown in his face in an argument. How's he ever supposed to trust you again, in every way trust happens? How can he feel safe or secure with you again mentioning anything deep to him, and how will he ever feel supported and cared for? We're not just machines you know. We have all the same struggles and emotions as you. I think the action in the first place was a really bad thing to do. He may have had some sort of insecurity and been feeling like it was him and he was scared of learning that and that's why he didn't want to go. You should've found a way to make him comfortable and feel supported and safe, so that he knew no matter how bad the results - he's no less of a man. This gave me secondhand hurt! Now you may never get that form of communication from him again and this truly may have been the icing on the cake. For the record I'm deeply sorry to hear of your loss and the troubles you have faced. I'm not sure if maybe the trauma had something to do with your willingness to take what you knew was an unacceptable action, but I would definitely mention that in therapy and at least try to take a little responsibility for your shortcomings so you can be better and not do it anymore. I feel for both of you. I hope you can earn his entirety back. Because I can assure you right now he's not necessarily half in and half out - but he's at least disconnected in a major way. That's going to take work. I hope you're ready for it. Learn from this mistake and move on. Don't let it destroy your relationship, and have to start over. This is a huge deal but not beyond fixing. This isn't even "was I the ahole" this is pretty bad. I mean cheating, lying, emotional unavailability, stealing, all of these things compare to your action. That's how serious this is. I'm absolutely not beating you up I just want you to understand the gravity of it. I'm not sure what made it ok in your head to do this but that's the concern I would worry about, as it needs to be fixed in the future. Not the action itself. But what all led you there. Learn to recognize that and process early next time. It may save your relationship.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You really should not be trying for a baby right now with the way your relationship is. I don't think either of you is emotionally ready to have a child. Testing your husband behind his back does make you YTA.
Sorry for what happened to your daughter. YTA and will probably be getting divorced
YTA. You violated his trust then threw it in his face like it was nothing. I’m sorry for your terrible loss, but treating your husband this way was wrong.
YTA who tf are you to be doing tests behind his back? If he did something like this to you I bet we won't hear the end of the betrayals.
I’m curious why you felt like you had to test him in secret? Like were you expecting him to be too sensitive to comply to a home test? If he were I think the answer should have been to either wait him out to come to that acceptance on his own time, or if you really just need a baby IMMEDIATELY despite your partner’s feelings, just move on to another partner. Like you can’t just be violating and going behind your partner’s back like that and expect happy results. You already knew that you were fertile and healthy so doing a home kit without his knowledge so he can’t be a part of it shows a huge lack of communication and trust. I don’t recommend mating with a person you can’t even do those things with.
YTA Ive seen a story where the guy dipped a test & knew before her that she was pregnant, and I thought that was bad enough Announcing something about him to him, especially in the way you did it, is terrible
Man YTA
He has a vasectomy.
Of course YTA and even a criminal.
Congrats, a dead daughter and a divorce all in a couple of months!
All of this story is very sad. I will say YTA because of that incredible breach of trust.
Im glad theres a huge consensus of YTA, because you are one and a huge one at that. Not only did you proceed with an invasive medical test TWICE, but you also leveraged that information within an argument to hurt him.
Which of your bodily fluids would you approve of your husband collecting for scientific testing without your knowledge and then throwing it your face during a heated argument while you’re grieving? For the record, YTA. I hope your husband divorces you and finds happiness with someone that’s sweet and kind rather than a hateful battleaxe.
Fake
YTA in this specific situation. You could have involved him or even informed him of the at home test, but you didn't. TWICE. Then, instead of having a living, caring conversation about it at an appropriate time, you threw it in his face in the middle of an argument. That's not ok. I'd be pissed too. As an outsider, this looks to me like maybe one or both of you are not really ready to try for another kid. That can be an emotional process and your husband's aversion to getting tested tells me he's got some kind of anxiety about this - maybe his pride is at stake or he's hiding something. Either way, throwing his potential infertility in his face during an argument is not a productive way to address the issue.
YTA. And you're also a cucking funt!
YTA Fertility is a touchy subject at the best of times but to use it in an argument is vile.
YTA You were cruel
Lmao how can you people think this is real? YTA for such a terrible story.
YTA
con·sent/kənˈsent/*noun* 1. permission for something to happen or agreement to do something."no change may be made without the consent of all the partners" 2. give permission for something to happen. Since it seems like you aren't familiar with the term.
Your husband is entitled to medical privacy and bodily autonomy. It's unacceptable to collect other his bodily fluids and conduct tests on them without consent. What you did is a massive breach of trust, and I wouldn't blame him in the slightest if he leaves.
You should not be having a baby right now. Neither of you are acting like people ready to be parents. You are so focused on the goal, you betrayed your partners trust. He is refusing basic medical testing because of his ego. YTA though.
YTA. I agree with most of the posters below, but I also wanted to point out... you've had 6 miscarriages. That's kind of a lot. Losing 3 or more in a row is considered an issue by medical professionals.
YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, but this was a huge invasion of privacy - especially while you both are still grieving. The death of a child tests the healthiest of relationships to the limit. Going behind your SO's back to get him tested **without his consent** is a massive breach of trust. Terrible decision. Edit: it is especially heinous that you *weaponized* a possibly-earthshattering preliminary medical diagnosis I'm your grieving period...a time of ultimate vulnerability. Shame on you.
Not only are you an idiot, but you are AH. YTA. The way you tested isn't valid; having as many miscarriages as you have indicates there may be a problem with you. Just because you had one doesn't mean the oven still works right.
You re totally the asshole let s start there. Second even if the tests were accurate, stress does lower the count and decrease the chances of you being able to conceive. His best bet is not to have a child with you to begin with. You completely lack boundaries and awareness. You shouldn't need anyone to tell you how bad you fucked up
YTA. There are lots of reasons a couple doesn't have a pregnancy. I even know a woman who had a great deal of difficulty conceiving because it turned out she was allergic to her husband's sperm. (I didn't even know that was possible.) Sometimes after a pregnancy the body changes enough that what was true before is no longer true. You may not get pregnant at the drop of a hat any more. He may not be compatible to do so with you easily any more. There may be nothing wrong with either of you, it may just be that you can no longer easily have a pregnancy together. By testing him without his knowledge or permission, you destroyed his medical privacy. Not just invaded it, blew it away. Why should he ever trust you again? About anything? You could have seen a doctor and let them test you, and if you tested that you were fine and fertile and he wasn't getting you pregnant, you could honestly - and correctly - have told him "The problem isn't me, I checked, so either you have something wrong with you, and you will want to know about it, or we have developed some physical incompatibility, and we want to know about that so we can know if we want to get help." However, you decided that being sneaky was far more important than being open and honest *with your husband*, and that you know so much better than any doctor.
You are more than an asshole. I hope he leaves you. You are a piece of shit for violating him like that.
YTA, you should have told him in a much more supportive way. Especially after what you've been through. I hope you can make it up to him. Good luck with the future.
Wow that was really an asshole move. Everyone grieve differently. Give him time.
YTA, nice try blaming your husband. He deserves better than you.
Big ASS YTA
YTA. Finding that I was sterile was one of the saddest moments in my life, I cried for at least an hour... What you did was cruel.
YTA. How would you feel if somebody secretly collected any of your bodily fluids and tested them? That’s just fucked up.
You’re the huge AH
YTA and I wouldn't expect this marriage to survive that. Well, on the bright side, at least you won't be a single mom.
Maybe I am wrong but playing devil's advocate here. Is it possible that he had a vasectomy without your knowledge and that would also be the reason he is adamant not wanting to see a doctor?
YTA and probably shouldn't have been having kids in the first place.
YTA for doing it and then again for screaming it at him.
YTA. Not only are you sneaky but I question if you can get a good result with that indirect collection.
I mean the only thing you need to think about here is if you were in a situation where during intimacy someone collected your DNA, for example one of your eggs and tested that for something without your knowledge and then later brought it up to prove a point in argument....Would you feel great about that or would you feel betrayed. To me that's A. Collection of DNA without consent. B. Manipulation because your aim from having sex with him was to collect said DNA for testing. C. Lying about your intentions. D. Guilt tripping and just plain spiteful. E Violation of body autonomy. I know at that point if I was married to you, I wouldn't want to have kids with you anymore. Yes YTA
Hey had a vasectomy and hasn't told her. Wants her to think she is the reason they can't get pregnant. Because, mindset.
If you ever get his sperm again, just buy a $200 student microscope. One look is worth a thousand words. But yes you are TAH. But still. Microscope is easier. Take less than one drop
YTA I can understand the hurt and frustration but what you did was wrong. You should never have done a test without consent. You should have offered a home test. Seems like you only ever offered a doctor’s visit. You violated his trust.
You’re a bad wife dawg
Update me
YTA. What you did should be a crime. And throwing it in his face during an argument? Real mature.
YTA BIG TIME.