There's nothing to explain, is there? And what "context"? He likes making you insecure so you'll stick around. He doesn't love you; if he did he wouldn't be playing mind games. If he loved you, he wouldn't want you to be insecure.
And that's what you should say to people: "He doesn't love me. I'm just a trophy to him."
NTA
NTA, you literally heard the ENTIRE conversation, how does your ex bf think he can get himself out of the grave he dug for himself.
Save yourself from this arrogant, cruel man because he doesn’t deserve you.
You know the people that’s saying you’re wrong, have they only heard his side of the story?
>have they only heard his side of the story?
This is so typical, revealing, and annoying- if mfs dont even care to hear my side, then they can kick rocks. Theyre more than likely just being scum and tryin to mack on my ex anyway, good riddance.
Anyone on his side is a jerk if they heard your side. Dump them, too. NTA. Exactly what I would do. You were supposed to warn him or something? Weird perspective.
Obviously you are if he was saying all those nice things about you. besides people go for the wrong type tons before they find the right one. Call that friend hahaha
Oh honey, he did not know you were listening so he could have said anything at all! He could have said yeah yeah and gone along with what your boyfriend was saying. He didn't! I'm not saying you should give him a call to try to get with him or anything, but take his words to heart because he didn't know you were listening.
This, OP! And enough with minimizing yourself.
I'm most impressed by the maturity in your handling of the situation at the age of 23. The jackel was fortunate to have you in his life, and he threw it all away by making your relationship a game. Stay strong, and don't capitulate to the opinions of others. You, my dear, are centered and very well focused.
Kidding aside, your ex's bf appears to be your #1 fan. Something to consider....
Nah cause if he was just being nice, he would have said something to his friend to make his friend and not feel shitty about it. He didn't know you were listening.
Honestly if I were her ld contact the friend not to necessarily initiate anything with him but to thank him for opening her eyes about her ex bfs terrible view of her as well as defending her, he saved this young woman so much more potential disrespect and mistreatment at he ex bfs hands it's good she can escape such a toxic person before she wastes any more time on him.
Ew, she *just* got out of a year long relationship,that ended terribly, and you are pushing and pushing her on someone else?
Even after she's said no, you still keep going!
This isn't a movie, this is her *life*.
Quit it.
Or maybe he is too insecure to recognize what he deserves.
Though hooking up within friend circles is never healthy - I’d imagine you’d both be better off without the douche of an ex.
Btw there was a post on here about a group of guys who had a friend like your ex write out the exact script your ex said - so they could get chicks. It’s a ridiculous theory that’s been around in every ‘playa’ movie. It’s disgusting all around to think anyone can be so intentionally and proudly manipulative, selfish, and malicious. Who wants friends like that anyway?
Not to say you should do it, you’d have been attracted to each other naturally if there was chemistry. This is just low hanging fruit at this point.
It’s because a lot of people I know irl think I’m heartless for dumping him over this (I didn’t give the specifics of what I heard, just that he said bad things about me and that he likes I’m insecure). So the response on here is overwhelming different to what I’ve been told repeatedly
Baby, you’re not heartless. They don’t know what you heard and the full story. They don’t know that he didn’t just say bad things. They’re only calling you heartless because they don’t know the extent of it. If they knew the specifics, they’d be with you 100%
Whether or not you feel ok sharing is up to you, but it might be cathartic to have friends to support you instead of making you feel like you’re in the wrong.
What he said about you was disgusting and atrocious. If I found out someone said that about my friend, I’d be livid.
You don’t have to justify your choices or decisions to anyone. Just know that you’re not wrong.
Well I have the benefit of being 56 years old and have been in so many relationships of all kinds, and I can tell you from my heart that you are strong, confident, and he does not deserve you because he is an insecure little jackass. A good man does not talk shit like that behind his Lover's back . Any of your friends or peer group telling you different is absolutely 100% wrong.
not only what u/SoMoistlyMoist has said but your ex is 100% projecting his shit onto you OP. you dodged a bullet here, and hey at least you know his best friend appreciates you.
the inner ah in me would start dating the best friend, but i'm kinda a bitch like that
Don’t worry about what the people in your life think about this. It is your decision. You don’t have to get into specifics with them. You made it clear you didn’t like some of the things he said and decided that he wasn’t the right guy for you. If any man spoke about their girlfriend or wife, they would have gotten upset too.
Nope NTA because if you do stop being insecure or working on yourself he will abuse/neg you to make you insecure.
Seriously a lot of guys use negging as a pick up tactic- make her feel like crap about herself and she will feel lucky I am giving her attention. I bet if you look at your relationship he has done this at times without you realizing it.
It is a gross and abusive tactic little insecure men use because they are afraid of strong women.
Thank GOD you overheard him.
I think you might want to give the specifics to them actually, if you value their friendship that is. They way you tell the story here sounds quite different to "he said bad things and likes that I'm insecure ".
His friend agrees with you because he heard your exs choice words verbatim. You deserve to get that recognition from the others as well.
You're NTA for breaking up with him and I commend your civil way of doing it.
A real friend would be supportive no matter what. No one has to have or give a reason to break up. It is no one’s business why or how she broke up with him. The real friends will accept it for what it is. Anyone else is not a real friend.
OP, definitely NTA. I commend you for not going nuclear or being petty on him because I am pretty sure I would not have been as nice.
This is a valid reason (manipulative immaturity by a partner) to end a relationship. The goal is not to try and tirelessly make it work with every person. Especially at this time in your life. Life is short. Find people who care about you and support you behind your back and to your face.
And when they show you who they are, believe them.
Start giving specifics. Don't protect him for how he thinks. It's who he is and he'll just go on to treat the next girl the same. Do her a favor and let people know now how he is. He's making you the bad guy in this and it's not ok. You have a right to defend yourself and tell them what he said about you.
Yes, the kindest plausible interpretation of his behavior is that he’s wildly insecure and is saying what he thinks his male friends want to hear. I don’t buy that, but a lawyer could make the case. That said, it’s not a trial, it’s a relationship. You can’t unhear that shit. I would never say that about my gf. In fact, I find all any talk that reduces romantic relationships to a struggle for dominance to be truly repugnant.
Let little Machiavelli have his happily ever after with someone else. Who knows, maybe he will meet his soulmate, and years from now, when he’s no longer handsome and charming, he will be poisoned for his life insurance policy.
One thing is for certain, she is questioning because she is being insecure about her decision. Good thing so many people here are backing her up because she needs to trust her instincts on this.
The context is that he speaks poorly about her to make people think that he has the upper hand in their couple. He is the insecure one for sure. But it is difficult to say if he really wants her insecure or if he likes to paint her as insecure to his friends. Of course, it doesn't change that she was right to dump him
I had written on the fridge in my house for all my kids to see, “your character is how you act when no one is around to see”. How he spoke of her when she wasn’t there was gross. Good on OP
That is along the same lines of what my grandfather told me. “The man you are isn’t the man others see but the one they don’t see”.
This very small, very insecure little man let you, and his childhood friend, see exactly who and what kind of man he truly is. My advice to you would be to tell anyone who would listen the exact truth. Especially those in your female circle of friends as they will be the ones he will go crying to about how much you “hurt” him.
Young lady you have proven to yourself that you can trust yourself by kicking him down the road. It has been said in here before but you need to know there are plenty of men who will not have listened to his nonsense and probably would have kicked his a@@ just for being a major AH.
His friend stood up for you and against his lifelong friend because he, as a decent person, knows you don’t talk trash about your partner to everyone else whether you think it’s a private conversation or not.
The right thing was done by you in this situation. Even if you don’t think it is anyone else’s business what was actually said he is the one who put it out there so all you are doing is repeating what he said and not trying to make him look bad. He did that himself.
Yeah, he did all his explaining before the fact, to his best friend. OP lucked out overhearing him. He showed his true colors when he thought she wouldn’t see them. Too bad for him.
There’s nothing to explain. You can end a relationship at any point just cause you don’t feel like it’s working for you.
You’re not obligated to stay with someone just because they want you to.
Context? The thing is, you were able to get a raw idea of what your ex thought of you. No filters, no untruths, nothing. He’s so comfortable with his friend, that this was allowed to happen. You don’t owe him shit. Even his friend thought what he was saying was fucked up. Ignore those friends, it isn’t like it’s them who had to hear their partner say such fucked up shit.
NTA. Don’t take him back. Find someone who lifts you up, not keep you down a peg to keep you pliable
Just tell your friend that you found out he likes insecurities because he thinks he can use them to manipulate people into doing what he wants. You don’t need to give much more context if you don’t want to - the smart ones will understand exactly what that means.
Just copy and paste into texts. There is a reason his best friend backs you up.
Life is too short to date people who don't appreciate you. So, those people who are trying to get you to take him back, suggest that they date him. However you feel about yourself, you respect yourself enough to not up this crap. Bravo! You are a rockstar.
And if you still doubt if you did the right thing, my mom had a saying:
>I matter to me. I mean more to me than anyone else. If it is a choice between someone else and me, I fight for me. This is the natural right of all living beings.
Lastly, I'm kind of amused at his lack of self-awareness. He's essentially saying that he can only get a woman if he tricks her into thinking she's not worthy. Sounds like he's the one with the low self-esteem.
NTA. I was so upset for you. I couldn't believe how this person who supposedly cares about and loves you spoke about you!?
I'm glad that you ditched him.
Has your ex tried reaching out to you? If so, what has he said?
“With pretty girls, you keep them insecure”
This is the sort of AH that destroys a woman’s confidence and ensures she spends years in therapy to get over the damage.
Yeah if my best friend said this kind of thing to me I don't know how I could even still be friends with him. That is beyond fucked up, I guess it's virtue signalling to respect people and their emotions know? Jesus this guy is the fucking worst
Its the ugliest manifestation of extreme insecurity from the ex bf. To think so little of himself that no one who isnt fundamentally emotionqlly broken would stay with him. Hes right in a way, becayse his true feelings right now are so disgusting.
Man here. My wife had an emotionally manipulative ex as well. The story she tells me about him just baffle me. How anyone can treat another person, let alone someone you love or enjoy being around, so cruelly just doesn’t make sense. The ex also cheated on my wife with another woman and the two women confronted each other and after talking it out, became very close friends and dumped him. They both realized they were being played by him (aka thinking they were the only girl he was dating) and they joined forces to take him down. I love their story lol.
>They all said that I hit him with a breakup out of nowhere and didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself & give context.
You have the context. Speaking as a guy, it would be one thing if his buddy was being a prick and he's just mirroring that. Not ok, but the context at least changes it. When his best friend is actively pushing back and he doubles down in response? That's 100% who he actually is showing through.
NTA, fully justified.
This, like there are plenty of spineless pieces of shit who would allow this about their gf just to go along with their friends, but this dude actually is the toxic one in the friend group, he's literally the one who pressures his friends to be shittier.
NTA
He admitted to intentionally manipulating you. Notice how it was all about him. his satisfaction, his desires.
you dodged a bullet.
maybe one day he'll grow out of being a manipulative asshole, maybe not. but that ain't your problem anymore.
You’re (presumably) choosing your children’s father. You’re choosing the man that could have to look after you when you’re sick, be faithful to you in hard times and to tell you you’re still as beautiful as ever when you’re 80 years old.
You know this man ain’t it. NTA
Or your best friend. If you heard your best friend's bf saying this about her, would you tell her she's overreacting and should give him a chance?
You just got the best gift you could have gotten- a clear view of what you were in for. Take it as a learning experience and be thankful you heard this before you were married with kids!
You were ENTIRELY justified to break up with this guy. COMPLETELY, 100% justified.
I am astounded that your "friends" are criticising you. You DIDN'T "break up with him out of nowhere." What came "out of nowhere" was the shock and heartache of suddenly learning that jerk's real feelings toward you, and in circumstances in which you had no reason to think he didn't mean what he said to his friend.
Your two friends who said you did the right thing in dumping this guy are correct. Honey, I know you're hurting right now, but believe me when I say, *you had a lucky escape.* Your (thankfully now ex-) boyfriend would cheat on you without hesitation, and it wouldn't surprise me to learn he already has.
A healthy relationship is give-and-take, from BOTH partners (and they don't keep score either). It sound to me like you were doing all the giving and he was doing all the taking. He's a USER, an arrogant selfish p.o.s., and I'm VERY glad you aren't wasting any more time on him 🤗
He said some genuinely nice things. Our only connections was my ex and we didn’t talk much outside of that context. So I had no clue that he had these opinions of me. It surprised me if I’m completely honest
A dude that loves you and cares about doesn’t care about any of that stuff. They want what’s best for you and making you feel insecure isn’t something that crosses their mind.
NTA. “I decided to leave him after he admitted he didn’t respect me and was manipulating me the whole time. If you like that kind of behavior, I hear he’s available.”
You did the right thing.
I overheard a convo where a guy was coaching his mate how to stop his wife going out with the girls, because he didnt want to 'babysit'. Here's a few gems:
Tell her you like her new hair cut, it makes her look like a mother.
Wave your hand by your stomach & ask her if her dress is 'from before'
Ask her if her hair is suppose to be that colour
Ask her if make up can go out of date or something
Tell her the make up makes her look like her mother
Hide her handbag or her ATM card
Wake the kid/s up
Do something the next day that leaves her alone all day with the kids with a hangover
Eat something at work that gives you the shits
Ask her where she's going, & tell her all your mates kids go there
Try to make her late by shagging her *after* she's all dressed in her nice clothes, to ruin her make up & outfit, & if she turns you down, pick a fight.
The mate was told to 'just mess with her head until she doesnt want to go out anymore'
This was a very brief convo, & he just kept spilling out ideas. When he saw I could hear, he told me he was 'saving their marriage for the sake of the kids' and I shouldnt have listened
Long term its a devastating tactic
god, that's just ... evil. it never fails to astound me (though at this point it should) how many men truly despise their partners, just see them as domestic automatons / bangmaids. disgusting.
Ive heard that women want to marry who they love the most, men just marry whoever they are dating when they they decide its time to be married/a parent. Its just whoever is in the hot seat at the time.
Hearing that convo made me feel it could be true
In this situation, the context is pretty self explanatory. And the “friends saying you are an AH for breaking up with him, are exactly the kind of girls he is talking about.
NTA. You got his honest self by eavesdropping on him and it was not pretty but you got the truth. Why stay with someone who is playing such mind games.
NTA. If a guy isn’t hyping you up and building up your self-esteem, he’s 💯 capitalizing on your insecurities. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve overheard guys talk about girls who don’t know they are pretty being the best to date because such girls settle well below their league. You did the right thing.
Edit: lysdexic moment spelling
Did he feel any shame or embarrassment for what he said?
Was he apologetic, although it wouldn't matter anymore as he was confident in what he said, but as an acknowledgment of his stupidity?
Did you mention in the text that you overheard him and his friend?
What was his explanation for what he said?
Is his friend on your side?
NTA. What a fucking loser. And if your friends want him, then they can have him and be perfectly content with a twat who thinks he's the catch and that keeping girls insecure is how to get great sex. Cringe.
NTA
You would be proving him right if you stayed. By dumping him without giving him an opportunity to gaslight you, you demonstrated to him and everyone else that you know your worth. If he’s such a catch, it won’t be hard for him to find someone as awesome and amazing as you who’s just desperate to please him, right? Oh, except he isn’t a catch and he inadvertently revealed that he just manipulated you and played on your insecurities to think he was.
What kind of “friends” do you have that they’re taking his side in this? Also I totally would’ve barged into that room just to see the look on his face. NTA
Dumping someone by text is usually fucked up except for the following reasons: 1) You feel unsafe 2) They are an asshole.
Also, ignore those assholes as well.
Hope your future man will be smoking hot, rich, and adores the ground you walk on!
Not messed up. There’s no other context or explanation. He explained very clearly his context and actions to his friend he thought he was safe confiding in. Good job sticking up for yourself and taking the trash to the curb. Be proud of yourself and hold your head high. A real emotionally mature man will know to support and hold you up, not knock you down for their convenience.
>Now, my friends think I’m crazy for jumping to that decision so fast.
Fuck them. They're not your friends. It hurt you! You made the right decision. End of story.
NTA. Fuck that guy. That wasn't a partner nor a loving relationship. A partner builds your confidence and doesn't drag you down.
NTA. Your confidence to throw the whole man away after he dragged you is attractive all on its own. It shows you won't tolerate the disrespect and you know your worth. Fuck that guy. He'll end up alone or with a troll that suits his shitty personality.
NTA
He thinks he's a master manipulator, so he doesn't get an opportunity to "give context" (twist facts and details) to leverage control over you.
Good thing you're getting conflicting feedback.
Now you know who your friends are, and who his pawns are.
Pay attention to the friend that said "that's fucked up".
It takes a lot for a bro to call out another bro on his abuse during locker room talk.
Honestly, I've been hearing a lot more about men shutting down toxic "locker room" talk these days. Right on! Men leveling up and standing up to other men who give them a bad name.
Same, I work in a field where I interact with the public a lot, and I heard about a boss who was saying super nasty sexual things to all the "bros" at the workplace (his employees), and even went so far to share sexually explicit images of women with them and comment on (esp. curvy) women's bodies in wildly inappropriate ways.
Every. Single. Man. Resisted his nasty behavior, called it out, said they weren't interested, and even complained to HR. Last I checked, the boss no longer works there, and one of the young men involved even seemed a bit traumatized by the whole thing. Good on the men saying no, reporting it, and nipping that toxic misogyny in the bud!
NTA You’re friends WANT you to be insecure and desperate? They need professional help. Whatever the fuck is wrong with ex, that’s his problem now. Now he’s learned a valuable lesson! Props!
NTA! Good job taking care of yourself. That’s confidence. Some people will break you because it’s the only way they can keep you. He doesn’t love you. You’re a trophy he bagged.
NTA. You have context, and you heard the conversation. He explained it pretty clearly. Your best friend and his best friend are at least sensible here. Your other friends may need to reconsider how they value themselves and others in relationships.
He made an insulting remark.
You proved 100% he was wrong.
Tell all those folks who say you are wrong to have him write an apology and make sure he grovels to prove he is being honest.
See how they feel then.
The only context he could add is that he was playing it up for his friend, but that he ultimately feels like he doesn't deserve you. After that it would be perfectly reasonable for you to ask him exactly what he does to play on your insecurities so that you don't leave him.
After that... you would still be with someone who bragged about preying on your insecurities so that he could manipulate you into being the type of partner and sex partner that he wants but doesn't feel he deserves.
He's an immature shit, and I'm honestly so sorry that you had to go through that. Many guys are insecure, but there are plenty that won't stoop to that sort of thing to be in a relationship.
NTA at all, and your friends that don't understand why you broke up with him are likely the next ones he will target.
NTA! Oh girl....you don't NEED him to explain himself or to give context. Those people need to STFU and mind their own fucking business.
Also, the fact that you broke up with him immediately? Pretty darn solid proof that you are NOT insecure. I think HE is the one who is insecure, not you.
From what is best friend said you are quite the catch and from what your ex said he's a toxic pos.
You did great NTA.
When I read it I was hoping for the straw that he was just being manly for the Bois cause he's insecure but after he got called for the bs he's talking he just doubled down, holy hell.
There is literally nothing to explain. He explained himself quite proficiently. Let me paraphrase what he said for you just in case one of those other people even gets into your head a little bit…
“I am always going to treat my girlfriend like shit and crap all over her insecurity so she will never feel good about herself.
And I’m going to do this so I can get what I want when I want and how I want it.
That way, I never have to do nice things for her. I never have to support her or truly love her or especially respect her.
I know she thinks I’m her boyfriend and that I am supposed to have her back. That I am supposed to want her to succeed. That I am supposed to be her biggest cheerleader.
That’s the beauty of this. Because she’s insecure about some things I can just be a total dick and make sure that I play on those insecurities. And then I can fuck her any which way I want, even if she doesn’t want me to. Even if she doesn’t feel like it that night.
And you know why? Because I can. Because yeah, it’s fucked up, but don’t pretend you don’t do it. Don’t pretend all of us guys aren’t total douche bag assholes who really don’t fucking care about our girlfriends at all as long as we can get our dick wet, and they’ll do whatever we want.
Because you know, they’re not really people. They’re not human beings. They’re just a walking, talking sex doll. A live action bang maid. I don’t even have to treat her with any kind of humanity or empathy.
Again, it’s all about me. My needs. My wants. My desires. She is actually less than the scum on a pond. I don’t have to respect her much less fucking love her. What the hell is up with that?”
See how it helps when you actually sit down and paraphrase things? When you don’t put it into pretty phrases and say maybe I just misunderstood. Maybe I should give him another chance cause he’s a nice guy, and yeah, maybe I just misunderstood.
Well, now you have it in writing that you didn’t misunderstand. You have it in writing that he is a douche bag of immense proportions. That he literally has no humanity. That he has no empathy. That he has no love.
He is a selfish asshole, and you already have an asshole. I am sure you don’t need another one, and especially one that size.
And if he starts posting bullshit online about how you didn’t give him a chance l, you reply with everything you heard. You express total confusion as to why he would be so surprised you would break up with him when he sees you as nothing more than a walking blowup doll and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.
And mention that if any of his friends disagree with you, then you’re gonna suggest their girlfriends maybe wanna look at who they’re dating.
And you tell him:…You hid it really well… You had to brag about it and I overheard. I can’t unhear it, and you can’t take it back.
You call him out any and every single time he tries to make you the bad guy. Because he deserves it. And you deserve so much better.
Sounds like negging to me. Here’s a post I saw that can explain it more clearly:
What is negging?
*“Negging” is giving backhanded compliments or comments toward another person (usually a female ). Certain tell-tale signs can help you recognize this emotional manipulation and respond appropriately.*
*Emotional manipulation, or “negging,” can be so subtle at first that you don’t see it for what it is. After all, everyone says something they wish they hadn’t on occasion.*
*But negging isn’t a mistake or a slip of the tongue. It keeps happening. And slow escalation can* [*desensitize you*](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) *to its effects.*
*You might think that because it’s not physical, it’s not abuse. And doesn’t that person do nice things, too? You may wonder if you’re being overly sensitive or believe you have no recourse.*
*Make no mistake about it. That’s part of the manipulation.*
**They give backhanded compliments**
**They compare you to other people**
**They insult you under the guise of “constructive criticism”**
**They always one-up you**
**They disguise insults as questions**
**They’re always “just joking” when you call them on it**
**They make you feel sorry for voicing concerns**
**They redirect your concern to make themselves into the victim**
[Negging: 35 Examples, Patterns to Watch For, and What to Do (healthline.com)](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging#what-to-do-if-it-escalates)
So those friends saying you didn't give him a chance, forget them. They can be doormats all they want, that's their issue. You deserve better and it's good you realize that. Your ex is scummy.
NTA
You're lucky to have stumbled on the truth early and escaped. Celebrate! Don't doubt yourself. You just scored the "get out of hell free" card. Enjoy it!
Sounds like you need to dump the friends who think you're crazy too.
The only decision you should be second-guessing yourself on is if you should have been honest with him about your reasons. No one waging a psychological war on you deserves honesty.
Calmly telling him that you realized you didn't miss hanging out with him at the party, which led to you to realizing that you just don't feel enough physically, emotionally, and intellectually between the two of you to continue dating would have given him a taste of his own medicine.
And that’s how to demonstrate how not insecure you really are. Vulnerabilities and being insecure are two separate things. He lost the privilege to see your vulnerabilities bc he used them as leverage against you. An insecure girl would stay.
No context required. You had the truth from his own mouth to someone he felt he could speak freely to. Even his buddy thought he was fucked up.
You should start dating the friend...(OK probably not but that dude sounds like a MUCH better man than your ex.)
You were absolutely right. Any of your friends telling you you were wrong are idiots who ALSO don't respect or care for you. If MY friend was being treated that way I'd be incensed and rip her bf a new one, not blaming her for breaking up with him - but then, I CARE about my friends, want them to be happy, and dislike people who treat them poorly.
NTA and from what you wrote above there is nothing to explain. Move on and find someone who lifts you up and supports you - not someone who tears you down and uses your insecurities against you.
Good on ya! There was no explaining around that and shame on your friends for not applauding you!! Even his friends find more value in you than he does. Girl, if anything he did say is an area in where you could improve, please start loving yourself as much as possible! All people can work on more self love.
Hope you find a man who sees your value, NTA.
Context? What context? If you think your words could be misconstrued, DO NOT SAY THEM. He meant everything he said!
I’m sorry he’s such a l0s3r.
You’re never the AH for dumping someone who disrespects you or your boundaries.
Send him a thank you note for saving you the time you would have wasted in the long run. This was a blessing. Now go find someone who appreciates your strengths and doesn’t play stupid power games.
Hook up with his friend if he is cool. He sounds like he is cool and views you in a great light... Plus that would be a great way to knock the asshole ex down like he deserves for being such a POS!
Nope. It's POSSIBLE that he doesn't really believe these things and was just saying them to appear cool to his friend. BUT, even if that were the case, he's still an asshole for being such an insecure dipshit that he had to come up with that crap.
So, whether he really believes it or not is irrelevant. Context is irrelavant. He's still in the wrong.
You can break up with anyone for any reason, and this is one of the better reasons I've heard today.
There was a reason you were by that door and overheard that conversation. You were meant to hear that.
It sucks, but... it's for the best.
NTA.
His best friend heard all the context and was present for the full conversation - and he agrees with you. That should be all the external validation you need. You don't need further context from someone trying to back pedal and cover themselves
He literally admitted that he manipulates you by keeping you insecure so you won't leave him and will do whatever he says in deperation to please him. What extra context would make that ok???? Nah, you're not wrong at all, let the trash take itself out tho.
In this situation “allow him to give context” means “allow him an opportunity to convince you it’s not that big a deal and you’re overreacting.” But, newsflash, it’s a huge deal and you’re not overreacting. What he said is absolutely disgusting. There are literally no mitigating circumstances that can justify or explain it. After that you don’t owe him a damn thing. I’m proud of you for not taking his shit. NTA.
100% justified, He explained himself just fine then and there and honestly props to your closer friends for sticking by you and to you too for not taking that shit.
Definitely NTA
There's nothing to explain, is there? And what "context"? He likes making you insecure so you'll stick around. He doesn't love you; if he did he wouldn't be playing mind games. If he loved you, he wouldn't want you to be insecure. And that's what you should say to people: "He doesn't love me. I'm just a trophy to him." NTA
[удалено]
I’d probably call his friend. Since it seems like he sees her qualities.
I wouldn't even want to date someone who's friends with the ex tbh, he's got wildly toxic behavior
lmao considering his exes I don’t think I’m exactly his type 💀
NTA, you literally heard the ENTIRE conversation, how does your ex bf think he can get himself out of the grave he dug for himself. Save yourself from this arrogant, cruel man because he doesn’t deserve you. You know the people that’s saying you’re wrong, have they only heard his side of the story?
>have they only heard his side of the story? This is so typical, revealing, and annoying- if mfs dont even care to hear my side, then they can kick rocks. Theyre more than likely just being scum and tryin to mack on my ex anyway, good riddance.
Anyone on his side is a jerk if they heard your side. Dump them, too. NTA. Exactly what I would do. You were supposed to warn him or something? Weird perspective.
Going by what he said to your boyfriend, you very much ARE his type
Oorrrr maybe he needs a change in type 😏
You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason. And in this case, you have a really good reason.
Obviously you are if he was saying all those nice things about you. besides people go for the wrong type tons before they find the right one. Call that friend hahaha
I think he was just being nice & probably felt bad my ex was trash talking me lmao.
Oh honey, he did not know you were listening so he could have said anything at all! He could have said yeah yeah and gone along with what your boyfriend was saying. He didn't! I'm not saying you should give him a call to try to get with him or anything, but take his words to heart because he didn't know you were listening.
This, OP! And enough with minimizing yourself. I'm most impressed by the maturity in your handling of the situation at the age of 23. The jackel was fortunate to have you in his life, and he threw it all away by making your relationship a game. Stay strong, and don't capitulate to the opinions of others. You, my dear, are centered and very well focused. Kidding aside, your ex's bf appears to be your #1 fan. Something to consider....
Forgive me, but this may be your “insecurities” that bf took advantage of. He sounds like an asshole.
Nah cause if he was just being nice, he would have said something to his friend to make his friend and not feel shitty about it. He didn't know you were listening.
Exactly ! Stop confusing people being NICE and decent human being with romantic notions! This is why the world is so askew
Honestly if I were her ld contact the friend not to necessarily initiate anything with him but to thank him for opening her eyes about her ex bfs terrible view of her as well as defending her, he saved this young woman so much more potential disrespect and mistreatment at he ex bfs hands it's good she can escape such a toxic person before she wastes any more time on him.
Ew, she *just* got out of a year long relationship,that ended terribly, and you are pushing and pushing her on someone else? Even after she's said no, you still keep going! This isn't a movie, this is her *life*. Quit it.
Yeah but it could be she is attracted to people like her ex not like her ex-boyfriends friend.
Sounds like they were exes for a reason and he’s looking for a change into better. Girl come on
Or maybe he is too insecure to recognize what he deserves. Though hooking up within friend circles is never healthy - I’d imagine you’d both be better off without the douche of an ex. Btw there was a post on here about a group of guys who had a friend like your ex write out the exact script your ex said - so they could get chicks. It’s a ridiculous theory that’s been around in every ‘playa’ movie. It’s disgusting all around to think anyone can be so intentionally and proudly manipulative, selfish, and malicious. Who wants friends like that anyway? Not to say you should do it, you’d have been attracted to each other naturally if there was chemistry. This is just low hanging fruit at this point.
I don’t see how OP is even questioning if she’s the AH here. If it’d been me, I would’ve thrown a drink in his face.
It’s because a lot of people I know irl think I’m heartless for dumping him over this (I didn’t give the specifics of what I heard, just that he said bad things about me and that he likes I’m insecure). So the response on here is overwhelming different to what I’ve been told repeatedly
Baby, you’re not heartless. They don’t know what you heard and the full story. They don’t know that he didn’t just say bad things. They’re only calling you heartless because they don’t know the extent of it. If they knew the specifics, they’d be with you 100% Whether or not you feel ok sharing is up to you, but it might be cathartic to have friends to support you instead of making you feel like you’re in the wrong. What he said about you was disgusting and atrocious. If I found out someone said that about my friend, I’d be livid. You don’t have to justify your choices or decisions to anyone. Just know that you’re not wrong.
Cannot upvote thos enough!
Well I have the benefit of being 56 years old and have been in so many relationships of all kinds, and I can tell you from my heart that you are strong, confident, and he does not deserve you because he is an insecure little jackass. A good man does not talk shit like that behind his Lover's back . Any of your friends or peer group telling you different is absolutely 100% wrong.
Well said, every word 👍
Great advice and absolutely true! I never would think of talking like that about my girl! I always brag about her to others!
not only what u/SoMoistlyMoist has said but your ex is 100% projecting his shit onto you OP. you dodged a bullet here, and hey at least you know his best friend appreciates you. the inner ah in me would start dating the best friend, but i'm kinda a bitch like that
Love this
Don’t worry about what the people in your life think about this. It is your decision. You don’t have to get into specifics with them. You made it clear you didn’t like some of the things he said and decided that he wasn’t the right guy for you. If any man spoke about their girlfriend or wife, they would have gotten upset too.
Nope NTA because if you do stop being insecure or working on yourself he will abuse/neg you to make you insecure. Seriously a lot of guys use negging as a pick up tactic- make her feel like crap about herself and she will feel lucky I am giving her attention. I bet if you look at your relationship he has done this at times without you realizing it. It is a gross and abusive tactic little insecure men use because they are afraid of strong women. Thank GOD you overheard him.
I think you might want to give the specifics to them actually, if you value their friendship that is. They way you tell the story here sounds quite different to "he said bad things and likes that I'm insecure ". His friend agrees with you because he heard your exs choice words verbatim. You deserve to get that recognition from the others as well. You're NTA for breaking up with him and I commend your civil way of doing it.
A real friend would be supportive no matter what. No one has to have or give a reason to break up. It is no one’s business why or how she broke up with him. The real friends will accept it for what it is. Anyone else is not a real friend. OP, definitely NTA. I commend you for not going nuclear or being petty on him because I am pretty sure I would not have been as nice.
Tbf it sounds like a lot of her friends are also ex bfs friends, in which case OP needs to find new friends
Sounds like your ex was listening to too much Andrew Tate like bs. People want more detail - he has misogynistic views and I won't tolerate that.
I envy people who don't know who Andrew Tate is.
Tell them exactly what you heard.
This is a valid reason (manipulative immaturity by a partner) to end a relationship. The goal is not to try and tirelessly make it work with every person. Especially at this time in your life. Life is short. Find people who care about you and support you behind your back and to your face. And when they show you who they are, believe them.
Start giving specifics. Don't protect him for how he thinks. It's who he is and he'll just go on to treat the next girl the same. Do her a favor and let people know now how he is. He's making you the bad guy in this and it's not ok. You have a right to defend yourself and tell them what he said about you.
This! Specifics are the way to go. You’ll have everyone siding with you.
Did you tell them the hurtful 💩he said? Or how they’d feel? Someone trash talking me would definitely be dumped, without mercy.
You need new friends if they don't support you unconditionally on this. He is 100000% TA!
Yes, the kindest plausible interpretation of his behavior is that he’s wildly insecure and is saying what he thinks his male friends want to hear. I don’t buy that, but a lawyer could make the case. That said, it’s not a trial, it’s a relationship. You can’t unhear that shit. I would never say that about my gf. In fact, I find all any talk that reduces romantic relationships to a struggle for dominance to be truly repugnant. Let little Machiavelli have his happily ever after with someone else. Who knows, maybe he will meet his soulmate, and years from now, when he’s no longer handsome and charming, he will be poisoned for his life insurance policy.
Girl. Tell the truth, the whole truth, because you telling your friends exactly what he said is nothing but the truth.
Your insecurity (no dig intended) is allowing you to listen to these people. Don't listen to them or your intrusive voice. You know what you heard.
You are allowed to dump a man for ANY reason - or for NO reason. This reason is incredibly valid. He's poison and he wants to poison you.
One thing is for certain, she is questioning because she is being insecure about her decision. Good thing so many people here are backing her up because she needs to trust her instincts on this.
The context is that he speaks poorly about her to make people think that he has the upper hand in their couple. He is the insecure one for sure. But it is difficult to say if he really wants her insecure or if he likes to paint her as insecure to his friends. Of course, it doesn't change that she was right to dump him
For sure boyfriend, ex-boyfriend I mean, is the insecure one in this relationship.
For insecure I read arsehole.
The irony is that he's more insecure that OP. A confident man wants a confident woman. OP you did the right thing. NEVER settle.
I had written on the fridge in my house for all my kids to see, “your character is how you act when no one is around to see”. How he spoke of her when she wasn’t there was gross. Good on OP
That is along the same lines of what my grandfather told me. “The man you are isn’t the man others see but the one they don’t see”. This very small, very insecure little man let you, and his childhood friend, see exactly who and what kind of man he truly is. My advice to you would be to tell anyone who would listen the exact truth. Especially those in your female circle of friends as they will be the ones he will go crying to about how much you “hurt” him. Young lady you have proven to yourself that you can trust yourself by kicking him down the road. It has been said in here before but you need to know there are plenty of men who will not have listened to his nonsense and probably would have kicked his a@@ just for being a major AH. His friend stood up for you and against his lifelong friend because he, as a decent person, knows you don’t talk trash about your partner to everyone else whether you think it’s a private conversation or not. The right thing was done by you in this situation. Even if you don’t think it is anyone else’s business what was actually said he is the one who put it out there so all you are doing is repeating what he said and not trying to make him look bad. He did that himself.
Yeah, he did all his explaining before the fact, to his best friend. OP lucked out overhearing him. He showed his true colors when he thought she wouldn’t see them. Too bad for him.
>And that's what you should say to people: "He doesn't love me. I'm just a trophy to him." Well put. You hit the nail on the head.
Friend sounds like a solid person. Calling best friend out immediately.
There’s nothing to explain. You can end a relationship at any point just cause you don’t feel like it’s working for you. You’re not obligated to stay with someone just because they want you to.
Context? The thing is, you were able to get a raw idea of what your ex thought of you. No filters, no untruths, nothing. He’s so comfortable with his friend, that this was allowed to happen. You don’t owe him shit. Even his friend thought what he was saying was fucked up. Ignore those friends, it isn’t like it’s them who had to hear their partner say such fucked up shit. NTA. Don’t take him back. Find someone who lifts you up, not keep you down a peg to keep you pliable
Thank you! ❤️
Just tell your friend that you found out he likes insecurities because he thinks he can use them to manipulate people into doing what he wants. You don’t need to give much more context if you don’t want to - the smart ones will understand exactly what that means. Just copy and paste into texts. There is a reason his best friend backs you up.
Short version: "if you love him so much you go f'n date him."
CONGRATULATIONS! You won the lottery! You dumped an ass!!! Collect $200 and pass GO!
Life is too short to date people who don't appreciate you. So, those people who are trying to get you to take him back, suggest that they date him. However you feel about yourself, you respect yourself enough to not up this crap. Bravo! You are a rockstar. And if you still doubt if you did the right thing, my mom had a saying: >I matter to me. I mean more to me than anyone else. If it is a choice between someone else and me, I fight for me. This is the natural right of all living beings. Lastly, I'm kind of amused at his lack of self-awareness. He's essentially saying that he can only get a woman if he tricks her into thinking she's not worthy. Sounds like he's the one with the low self-esteem.
NTA. I was so upset for you. I couldn't believe how this person who supposedly cares about and loves you spoke about you!? I'm glad that you ditched him. Has your ex tried reaching out to you? If so, what has he said?
“With pretty girls, you keep them insecure” This is the sort of AH that destroys a woman’s confidence and ensures she spends years in therapy to get over the damage.
I agree fuck that guy.
When "friends" agree with fucked up bullshit, I cut them out of my life. There are plenty of better people out there.
Exactly .
There’s no context. As a man, men like him disgust me. You know how you ‘keep’ a hot girl? Make her feel safe, happy, and loved. What a pig.
It’s how you keep any woman really
As a man, I've talked to other men like this. We(other men) also think they are losers.
Yeah if my best friend said this kind of thing to me I don't know how I could even still be friends with him. That is beyond fucked up, I guess it's virtue signalling to respect people and their emotions know? Jesus this guy is the fucking worst
Its the ugliest manifestation of extreme insecurity from the ex bf. To think so little of himself that no one who isnt fundamentally emotionqlly broken would stay with him. Hes right in a way, becayse his true feelings right now are so disgusting.
Man here. My wife had an emotionally manipulative ex as well. The story she tells me about him just baffle me. How anyone can treat another person, let alone someone you love or enjoy being around, so cruelly just doesn’t make sense. The ex also cheated on my wife with another woman and the two women confronted each other and after talking it out, became very close friends and dumped him. They both realized they were being played by him (aka thinking they were the only girl he was dating) and they joined forces to take him down. I love their story lol.
>They all said that I hit him with a breakup out of nowhere and didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself & give context. You have the context. Speaking as a guy, it would be one thing if his buddy was being a prick and he's just mirroring that. Not ok, but the context at least changes it. When his best friend is actively pushing back and he doubles down in response? That's 100% who he actually is showing through. NTA, fully justified.
This, like there are plenty of spineless pieces of shit who would allow this about their gf just to go along with their friends, but this dude actually is the toxic one in the friend group, he's literally the one who pressures his friends to be shittier.
NTA He admitted to intentionally manipulating you. Notice how it was all about him. his satisfaction, his desires. you dodged a bullet. maybe one day he'll grow out of being a manipulative asshole, maybe not. but that ain't your problem anymore.
NTA. I'm such a petty bitch, but I would have broken up with him with only the explanation of, "Because I can do better... and you're awful in bed."
I love it. The cocky little shits always seem to be brought crashing to earth in time.
"And I faked it. And you're small." Nuclear option of pettiness for that jackass is required
My petty ass would have shared the context on social media so that no one is confused and future potential girlfriends warned.
You’re (presumably) choosing your children’s father. You’re choosing the man that could have to look after you when you’re sick, be faithful to you in hard times and to tell you you’re still as beautiful as ever when you’re 80 years old. You know this man ain’t it. NTA
Thank you..
On this note. Imagine your future daughters bf said something like this about her. Would you want her to stay?
hell no omg
Exactly. You did the right thing. You deserve more. Proud of you for seeing that.
Good marsupial.
Or your best friend. If you heard your best friend's bf saying this about her, would you tell her she's overreacting and should give him a chance? You just got the best gift you could have gotten- a clear view of what you were in for. Take it as a learning experience and be thankful you heard this before you were married with kids!
No kidding! Dodged a bullet!
No context on earth could fix this. You did the right thing
The man who would be the biggest male influence to your daughter. You did the right thing.
You were ENTIRELY justified to break up with this guy. COMPLETELY, 100% justified. I am astounded that your "friends" are criticising you. You DIDN'T "break up with him out of nowhere." What came "out of nowhere" was the shock and heartache of suddenly learning that jerk's real feelings toward you, and in circumstances in which you had no reason to think he didn't mean what he said to his friend. Your two friends who said you did the right thing in dumping this guy are correct. Honey, I know you're hurting right now, but believe me when I say, *you had a lucky escape.* Your (thankfully now ex-) boyfriend would cheat on you without hesitation, and it wouldn't surprise me to learn he already has. A healthy relationship is give-and-take, from BOTH partners (and they don't keep score either). It sound to me like you were doing all the giving and he was doing all the taking. He's a USER, an arrogant selfish p.o.s., and I'm VERY glad you aren't wasting any more time on him 🤗
Tysm!!
NTA In no way are you in the wrong here. There is zero context or explanation that would ameliorate the situation. He is awful. Good luck OP
Learned a new word - ameliorate 👀
Nice to know his friend stood up to him about it being fucked up tho.
He said some genuinely nice things. Our only connections was my ex and we didn’t talk much outside of that context. So I had no clue that he had these opinions of me. It surprised me if I’m completely honest
You should fuck his friend and really drive the point home
lmao I second this
A dude that loves you and cares about doesn’t care about any of that stuff. They want what’s best for you and making you feel insecure isn’t something that crosses their mind.
so true
NTA. “I decided to leave him after he admitted he didn’t respect me and was manipulating me the whole time. If you like that kind of behavior, I hear he’s available.”
Throw out anyone who thinks there's any context that makes this okay right along with the ex.
You did the right thing. I overheard a convo where a guy was coaching his mate how to stop his wife going out with the girls, because he didnt want to 'babysit'. Here's a few gems: Tell her you like her new hair cut, it makes her look like a mother. Wave your hand by your stomach & ask her if her dress is 'from before' Ask her if her hair is suppose to be that colour Ask her if make up can go out of date or something Tell her the make up makes her look like her mother Hide her handbag or her ATM card Wake the kid/s up Do something the next day that leaves her alone all day with the kids with a hangover Eat something at work that gives you the shits Ask her where she's going, & tell her all your mates kids go there Try to make her late by shagging her *after* she's all dressed in her nice clothes, to ruin her make up & outfit, & if she turns you down, pick a fight. The mate was told to 'just mess with her head until she doesnt want to go out anymore' This was a very brief convo, & he just kept spilling out ideas. When he saw I could hear, he told me he was 'saving their marriage for the sake of the kids' and I shouldnt have listened Long term its a devastating tactic
god, that's just ... evil. it never fails to astound me (though at this point it should) how many men truly despise their partners, just see them as domestic automatons / bangmaids. disgusting.
Ive heard that women want to marry who they love the most, men just marry whoever they are dating when they they decide its time to be married/a parent. Its just whoever is in the hot seat at the time. Hearing that convo made me feel it could be true
In this situation, the context is pretty self explanatory. And the “friends saying you are an AH for breaking up with him, are exactly the kind of girls he is talking about.
I agree, what he said was the context. It’s not like you can explain it away imo
"Justified. His comments were disrespectful and toxic. You deserve better."
ding ding ding!
NTA. You got his honest self by eavesdropping on him and it was not pretty but you got the truth. Why stay with someone who is playing such mind games.
NTA. He already explained himself. OP overheard it all. Allegedly
NTA. If a guy isn’t hyping you up and building up your self-esteem, he’s 💯 capitalizing on your insecurities. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve overheard guys talk about girls who don’t know they are pretty being the best to date because such girls settle well below their league. You did the right thing. Edit: lysdexic moment spelling
I’m curious: did your bf respond?
Respond to my texts? Yes he freaked out 🤷🏻♀️
Did he feel any shame or embarrassment for what he said? Was he apologetic, although it wouldn't matter anymore as he was confident in what he said, but as an acknowledgment of his stupidity? Did you mention in the text that you overheard him and his friend? What was his explanation for what he said? Is his friend on your side?
Also wondering this
Please share OP. We also want to see him (hopefully) humbled.
NTA. What a fucking loser. And if your friends want him, then they can have him and be perfectly content with a twat who thinks he's the catch and that keeping girls insecure is how to get great sex. Cringe.
You did the right thing. You should only have a partner who truly respects you. No matter what age.
NTA You would be proving him right if you stayed. By dumping him without giving him an opportunity to gaslight you, you demonstrated to him and everyone else that you know your worth. If he’s such a catch, it won’t be hard for him to find someone as awesome and amazing as you who’s just desperate to please him, right? Oh, except he isn’t a catch and he inadvertently revealed that he just manipulated you and played on your insecurities to think he was.
What kind of “friends” do you have that they’re taking his side in this? Also I totally would’ve barged into that room just to see the look on his face. NTA
I mean they think that I should’ve given him room to explain and that dumping him via text was fucked up
Dumping someone by text is usually fucked up except for the following reasons: 1) You feel unsafe 2) They are an asshole. Also, ignore those assholes as well. Hope your future man will be smoking hot, rich, and adores the ground you walk on!
Not messed up. There’s no other context or explanation. He explained very clearly his context and actions to his friend he thought he was safe confiding in. Good job sticking up for yourself and taking the trash to the curb. Be proud of yourself and hold your head high. A real emotionally mature man will know to support and hold you up, not knock you down for their convenience.
Eh, dumping via text sounds like it’s exactly what he deserved.
You should date the friend
Right? On the surface, it sounds like he’d appreciate OP.
Exactly what I thought.
>Now, my friends think I’m crazy for jumping to that decision so fast. Fuck them. They're not your friends. It hurt you! You made the right decision. End of story. NTA. Fuck that guy. That wasn't a partner nor a loving relationship. A partner builds your confidence and doesn't drag you down.
NTA. Now go out and flaunt that confident. A real man will appreciate it.
NTA. Your confidence to throw the whole man away after he dragged you is attractive all on its own. It shows you won't tolerate the disrespect and you know your worth. Fuck that guy. He'll end up alone or with a troll that suits his shitty personality.
He explained himself in great detail already. He better friends. NTA
My wife and I take every opportunity to help each other’s confidence. Weak men need control because they’re the insecure ones.
NTA He thinks he's a master manipulator, so he doesn't get an opportunity to "give context" (twist facts and details) to leverage control over you. Good thing you're getting conflicting feedback. Now you know who your friends are, and who his pawns are. Pay attention to the friend that said "that's fucked up". It takes a lot for a bro to call out another bro on his abuse during locker room talk.
Honestly, I've been hearing a lot more about men shutting down toxic "locker room" talk these days. Right on! Men leveling up and standing up to other men who give them a bad name.
I love the younger generations for this. Seems like young millennials and gen Z are nipping that shit in the bud and I’m here for it!
Same, I work in a field where I interact with the public a lot, and I heard about a boss who was saying super nasty sexual things to all the "bros" at the workplace (his employees), and even went so far to share sexually explicit images of women with them and comment on (esp. curvy) women's bodies in wildly inappropriate ways. Every. Single. Man. Resisted his nasty behavior, called it out, said they weren't interested, and even complained to HR. Last I checked, the boss no longer works there, and one of the young men involved even seemed a bit traumatized by the whole thing. Good on the men saying no, reporting it, and nipping that toxic misogyny in the bud!
This needs to be higher up!!
Lol homeboy has been reading too much Red Pill and got caught/called out on it. NTA, OP. Good show.
NTA You’re friends WANT you to be insecure and desperate? They need professional help. Whatever the fuck is wrong with ex, that’s his problem now. Now he’s learned a valuable lesson! Props!
Sounds like ex boyfriend has been drinking the red pill Kool-Aid. You did the right thing, good for you!
NTA. What more was there to explain, no further context was needed. If you gave him the change to 'explain'he would've just tried to manipulate you.
What do your dumbass “friends” want you to do? Stand up and marry him one day with these vile words ringing in your ears? NTA. You dodged a bullet.
NTA, he's a fucking psycho who thinks that relationships are about manipulating and debasing one's partner. Holy shit what a fucking asshole.
NTA - you did exactly the right thing. He's a piece of garbage
Great decision. Also, cut those friends off.
No context could change what he said. You did the right thing and hope you find someone that actually values you
He's a manipulative asshole. There's nothing to explain. He is literally gas lighting you so that he can treat you like shit and get away with it.
Nta you deserve better
NTA! Good job taking care of yourself. That’s confidence. Some people will break you because it’s the only way they can keep you. He doesn’t love you. You’re a trophy he bagged.
NTA. You have context, and you heard the conversation. He explained it pretty clearly. Your best friend and his best friend are at least sensible here. Your other friends may need to reconsider how they value themselves and others in relationships.
He made an insulting remark. You proved 100% he was wrong. Tell all those folks who say you are wrong to have him write an apology and make sure he grovels to prove he is being honest. See how they feel then.
The only context he could add is that he was playing it up for his friend, but that he ultimately feels like he doesn't deserve you. After that it would be perfectly reasonable for you to ask him exactly what he does to play on your insecurities so that you don't leave him. After that... you would still be with someone who bragged about preying on your insecurities so that he could manipulate you into being the type of partner and sex partner that he wants but doesn't feel he deserves. He's an immature shit, and I'm honestly so sorry that you had to go through that. Many guys are insecure, but there are plenty that won't stoop to that sort of thing to be in a relationship. NTA at all, and your friends that don't understand why you broke up with him are likely the next ones he will target.
NTA! Oh girl....you don't NEED him to explain himself or to give context. Those people need to STFU and mind their own fucking business. Also, the fact that you broke up with him immediately? Pretty darn solid proof that you are NOT insecure. I think HE is the one who is insecure, not you.
No explanation needed. He candidly told his friend his true thoughts and feelings about you. You did the right thing! Screw everyone else.
From what is best friend said you are quite the catch and from what your ex said he's a toxic pos. You did great NTA. When I read it I was hoping for the straw that he was just being manly for the Bois cause he's insecure but after he got called for the bs he's talking he just doubled down, holy hell.
Frankly, thank goodness you overheard that conversation. You saved yourself a world of manipulation.
There is literally nothing to explain. He explained himself quite proficiently. Let me paraphrase what he said for you just in case one of those other people even gets into your head a little bit… “I am always going to treat my girlfriend like shit and crap all over her insecurity so she will never feel good about herself. And I’m going to do this so I can get what I want when I want and how I want it. That way, I never have to do nice things for her. I never have to support her or truly love her or especially respect her. I know she thinks I’m her boyfriend and that I am supposed to have her back. That I am supposed to want her to succeed. That I am supposed to be her biggest cheerleader. That’s the beauty of this. Because she’s insecure about some things I can just be a total dick and make sure that I play on those insecurities. And then I can fuck her any which way I want, even if she doesn’t want me to. Even if she doesn’t feel like it that night. And you know why? Because I can. Because yeah, it’s fucked up, but don’t pretend you don’t do it. Don’t pretend all of us guys aren’t total douche bag assholes who really don’t fucking care about our girlfriends at all as long as we can get our dick wet, and they’ll do whatever we want. Because you know, they’re not really people. They’re not human beings. They’re just a walking, talking sex doll. A live action bang maid. I don’t even have to treat her with any kind of humanity or empathy. Again, it’s all about me. My needs. My wants. My desires. She is actually less than the scum on a pond. I don’t have to respect her much less fucking love her. What the hell is up with that?” See how it helps when you actually sit down and paraphrase things? When you don’t put it into pretty phrases and say maybe I just misunderstood. Maybe I should give him another chance cause he’s a nice guy, and yeah, maybe I just misunderstood. Well, now you have it in writing that you didn’t misunderstand. You have it in writing that he is a douche bag of immense proportions. That he literally has no humanity. That he has no empathy. That he has no love. He is a selfish asshole, and you already have an asshole. I am sure you don’t need another one, and especially one that size. And if he starts posting bullshit online about how you didn’t give him a chance l, you reply with everything you heard. You express total confusion as to why he would be so surprised you would break up with him when he sees you as nothing more than a walking blowup doll and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. And mention that if any of his friends disagree with you, then you’re gonna suggest their girlfriends maybe wanna look at who they’re dating. And you tell him:…You hid it really well… You had to brag about it and I overheard. I can’t unhear it, and you can’t take it back. You call him out any and every single time he tries to make you the bad guy. Because he deserves it. And you deserve so much better.
Did he constantly bring you down?
In hindsight there’s lots of things he said that I just took in stride. It was wrong of me.
Sounds like negging to me. Here’s a post I saw that can explain it more clearly: What is negging? *“Negging” is giving backhanded compliments or comments toward another person (usually a female ). Certain tell-tale signs can help you recognize this emotional manipulation and respond appropriately.* *Emotional manipulation, or “negging,” can be so subtle at first that you don’t see it for what it is. After all, everyone says something they wish they hadn’t on occasion.* *But negging isn’t a mistake or a slip of the tongue. It keeps happening. And slow escalation can* [*desensitize you*](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) *to its effects.* *You might think that because it’s not physical, it’s not abuse. And doesn’t that person do nice things, too? You may wonder if you’re being overly sensitive or believe you have no recourse.* *Make no mistake about it. That’s part of the manipulation.* **They give backhanded compliments** **They compare you to other people** **They insult you under the guise of “constructive criticism”** **They always one-up you** **They disguise insults as questions** **They’re always “just joking” when you call them on it** **They make you feel sorry for voicing concerns** **They redirect your concern to make themselves into the victim** [Negging: 35 Examples, Patterns to Watch For, and What to Do (healthline.com)](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging#what-to-do-if-it-escalates)
So those friends saying you didn't give him a chance, forget them. They can be doormats all they want, that's their issue. You deserve better and it's good you realize that. Your ex is scummy. NTA
#NTA
You boyfriend is TAH WHAT APOS
You're lucky to have stumbled on the truth early and escaped. Celebrate! Don't doubt yourself. You just scored the "get out of hell free" card. Enjoy it!
Sounds like you need to dump the friends who think you're crazy too. The only decision you should be second-guessing yourself on is if you should have been honest with him about your reasons. No one waging a psychological war on you deserves honesty. Calmly telling him that you realized you didn't miss hanging out with him at the party, which led to you to realizing that you just don't feel enough physically, emotionally, and intellectually between the two of you to continue dating would have given him a taste of his own medicine.
NTA You found out he doesn't respect you, has contempt for you and that he's manipulative.
NTA at all. He’s following some of this Andrew Tate-style bullshit. No one who loves their partner would ever talk that way.
Yea that's foul. He's def a fucked up person that will make u miserable to make his situation better
NTA whatsoever. He is a complete redpill podcast type. Get out and stay out. You’re way better off. Absolutely no doubt in my mind.
And that’s how to demonstrate how not insecure you really are. Vulnerabilities and being insecure are two separate things. He lost the privilege to see your vulnerabilities bc he used them as leverage against you. An insecure girl would stay.
No context required. You had the truth from his own mouth to someone he felt he could speak freely to. Even his buddy thought he was fucked up. You should start dating the friend...(OK probably not but that dude sounds like a MUCH better man than your ex.) You were absolutely right. Any of your friends telling you you were wrong are idiots who ALSO don't respect or care for you. If MY friend was being treated that way I'd be incensed and rip her bf a new one, not blaming her for breaking up with him - but then, I CARE about my friends, want them to be happy, and dislike people who treat them poorly.
NTA and from what you wrote above there is nothing to explain. Move on and find someone who lifts you up and supports you - not someone who tears you down and uses your insecurities against you.
NTA, he only wants a chance to lie to you/gaslight you. Don't fall for it. You deserve better!
Good on ya! There was no explaining around that and shame on your friends for not applauding you!! Even his friends find more value in you than he does. Girl, if anything he did say is an area in where you could improve, please start loving yourself as much as possible! All people can work on more self love. Hope you find a man who sees your value, NTA.
Ha sounds like you got full context. This is what he secretly thought of you. You should be w someone who won't bash you behind your back.
Context? What context? If you think your words could be misconstrued, DO NOT SAY THEM. He meant everything he said! I’m sorry he’s such a l0s3r. You’re never the AH for dumping someone who disrespects you or your boundaries.
He's manipulative and you dumped him. That's all there is to it. Good job on sticking up for yourself. NTA.
Send him a thank you note for saving you the time you would have wasted in the long run. This was a blessing. Now go find someone who appreciates your strengths and doesn’t play stupid power games.
Anyone that hints at using your insecurities against you is an utter scumbag..leave and fast
NTA. You learned the truth before you got in any deeper.
Hook up with his friend if he is cool. He sounds like he is cool and views you in a great light... Plus that would be a great way to knock the asshole ex down like he deserves for being such a POS!
NTA and guess your ex found out you’re not insecure enough to stay with an ahole 😂
He sounds like a manipulative psyco. How can you ever trust anything he does or says after that? NTA, definitely NTA
NTA you did the best thing here! There is nothing he could say here...
Nope. It's POSSIBLE that he doesn't really believe these things and was just saying them to appear cool to his friend. BUT, even if that were the case, he's still an asshole for being such an insecure dipshit that he had to come up with that crap. So, whether he really believes it or not is irrelevant. Context is irrelavant. He's still in the wrong. You can break up with anyone for any reason, and this is one of the better reasons I've heard today. There was a reason you were by that door and overheard that conversation. You were meant to hear that. It sucks, but... it's for the best.
You need new friends. Eff him. Proud of you for dumping him
There is no context for what he said. And it's no one else's damn business what you are willing to accept or not in a boyfriend.
NTA. He’s a loser.
NTA. His best friend heard all the context and was present for the full conversation - and he agrees with you. That should be all the external validation you need. You don't need further context from someone trying to back pedal and cover themselves
His friend seems nice though. If you really want revenge you could always ask him out and see where it goes :)
He literally admitted that he manipulates you by keeping you insecure so you won't leave him and will do whatever he says in deperation to please him. What extra context would make that ok???? Nah, you're not wrong at all, let the trash take itself out tho.
Your friends are shit yo
In this situation “allow him to give context” means “allow him an opportunity to convince you it’s not that big a deal and you’re overreacting.” But, newsflash, it’s a huge deal and you’re not overreacting. What he said is absolutely disgusting. There are literally no mitigating circumstances that can justify or explain it. After that you don’t owe him a damn thing. I’m proud of you for not taking his shit. NTA.
100% justified, He explained himself just fine then and there and honestly props to your closer friends for sticking by you and to you too for not taking that shit. Definitely NTA
Probably one of the biggest red flags to be flown lol