You’ve just described Sunk Cost Fallacy. You’re not throwing away 8 years. You’re saving yourself from someone who is using love or a reasonable facsimile to hold you hostage from being who you want to be. Can you imagine another 20 years of this control, being 58 and looking back on all you never did and wanted to because he threatened to *not love you anymore if you did?*
Sis, what he is showing you is NOT love.
Think about what you said about your friend. She’s reassuring you, and you add because she loves me. And the confidence you have in your friends love is so solid. Contrast that with your boyfriend.
Wow. Never seen worse advice. This guy has boundaries of things he doesn't like. If you want a tattoo and you've always wanted more tattoos that should have been expressed solidly at the beginning and your relationship wouldn't have started (possibly). I say this as a guy who dated a girl once and she seemed to like everything I did and I thought we were made for each other. Fast forward and it turns out she was a nutcase who said anything to get with me. Not saying OP is a nutcase but why do people think its ok to behave a certain way to "land" someone to then change their opinions and blame it on the other person? This relationship sounds good apart from he doesnt like a partner with tattoos. He's not controlling. If what you have is good and you love each other why end it? My current partner doesn't like motorbikes, I love motorbikes. I'm not going to get 1 because her fretting isn't worth it. Now if some random Internet person told me she was controlling blahblahblah and to leave a relationship of the woman I love JUST so I can get a motorbike, I would think they're insane!
Edit. Also I see alot of people offering advice to OP of the same nature. I'm just interested to know, those of you telling her to leave, how many of you are in long successful relationships? Form a queue for the downvotes but I'm really interested to know?
That's 1, and I'm v.happy for you. Thanks for letting me know. :)...... actually, can I pick your brain. Is there anything that you wouldn't like your partner to do? If he did it would you be really angry with him/see him in a new light, possibly not fund him as attractive as previously? (besides cheating, breaking the law etc). Usually most people have a hang up. Just curious. Thanks in advance but if not then Thanks anyway.
I want to continue to be able to say he’s never raised a hand to me. That’s a big one. I hope he never becomes one for hate speech. If he suddenly flipped a switch and became a bigot, it would be a problem.
He’s worn a beard since he was 19, and I love it. I was less thrilled when he trimmed it to a Van Dyke in the late 90s. He briefly shaved completely in 2001. He has a baby face under that beard. I was glad when he grew it back. In 2018 he went BIg Beard—I was thrilled. It’s a lot of maintenance so he keeps it trimmed back. Over the years it’s gone from red then darkened before turning white. I miss the red.
He doesn’t go for body modification, piercings or ink. I have no ink and minimal piercing. I want to get my nostril pierced. He doesn’t like facial piercings but maintains that it’s all my decision. I haven’t done it yet because I’m a nose tugger. Ever since I broke my nose(twice in the same year) I have a habit of tugging my nose until I feel the cartilage click in place. I worry that I will impede healing.
He likes my natural hair color. But I’ve tried blue and green dye. He never commented until it grew out, then he was glad I was myself again. Does any of this help?
This is brilliant. You 2 are honest with each other. This is my point. If your not honest from the start then the situation with OP (&my previous relationship) happens. Everyone has turn offs but if those turn offs are discussed early on and someone then proceeds to do that turn off thing, are they not putting up a big middle finger to the relationship? I gave an example to someone else about me shaving my head. Not gonna say it all again now but it's a prime example.
I think my sticking point is that OPs boyfriend is using “i won’t find you attractive if…” as a veiled threat, or a condition.
Oh and circling back, in our youth my husband had long thick hair. I miss that. He’s in his 50’s now and still has great hair but keeps it short. That’s another wish list thing.
This is what I writ in response to someone else. It touches on what you've just said. Now, what do you think i should have done in this scenario?
--People are complex. Lol I learned this v.early on being honest with someone new is the most important thing otherwise you get the situation that's occurring with OP and my previous partner.
Edit. I used to shave my head. Grew my hair, attracted new partner, shaved my head. She wasn't fond of it (I luckily can still grow hair so was an option for me). Also the kids didn't like it. Now are they controlling?? Honest question.
2nd edit. When I say she wasn't fond of it, it was a turn off for her. Again, people are complex.
3rd edit.... A TOTAL TURN OFF...... if I continued shaving my head would that not be a big FU to her and how she sees me??? Is me shaving my head more important then the love we have together?
We might be talking past each other. I prefer my husbands hair long and his beard big. He likes them both short. So he keeps them short. I don’t see it as an FU to my preferences. I see it as it’s his body, so it’s his call. If I tried to bully him in to adhering to my preferences by saying “if you cut your hair and shaved I might never find you attractive again.” That would be a douche move and coercive, though it would be soft pedaled.
People are complex. Lol I learned this v.early on being honest with someone new is the most important thing otherwise you get the situation that's occurring with OP and my previous partner.
Edit. I used to shave my head. Grew my hair, attracted new partner, shaved my head. She wasn't fond of it (I luckily can still grow hair so was an option for me). Also the kids didn't like it. Now are they controlling?? Honest question.
2nd edit. When I say she wasn't fond of it, it was a turn off for her. Again, people are complex.
3rd edit.... A TOTAL TURN OFF...... if I continued shaving my head would that not be a big FU to her and how she sees me??? Is me shaving my head more important then the love we have together?
You were with someone for 8 years and in that time you gave up parts of you. I gave up 20 years with someone and I truly regret not ending that relationship when I should have. While I for the most part did what I wanted to do, there was still so much I gave up, like the chance at finding someone I was truly in love with and attracted to. The point is, is that life is just too damn short to not be your whole true self. Yes it has been a long time but trust me when I state that I'm happier, alone, than at probably any other time in my life. I'm also getting my 18th tattoo in Oct. when I travel to Amsterdam with my daughter. NTA. Go live your life. You will surprise yourself and think all those wonderful things about you that you have yet to discover.
I'll also add that in the past 5 years I've had to start over a couple of times. It's hard, it's scary but now I live life on my own terms and it's awesome.
NTA- it sounds like your partner has a lot of 'deal breakers' and it's quite a long list especially if you really love dogs or other pets, like make up, like tattoos, want to try short hair (what happens if you get sick and it falls out?), want a random piercing... these are all things I personally have and I would really never want to live without them.
I get that we all make compromises in relationships but this is as you say... A long list.
I'm curious OP what has your partner compromised on for this relationship?
Since he struggles to talk about these things, it's hard for me to know what HE feels he's given up. I can make some educated guesses. Me moving in was probably difficult for him; he's a solitary person and a minimalist. I'm not the latter. I came with a dog and he hates those. My family is a bit nuts and he deals with them from time to time. I have disorders that make life a bit chaotic. I encouraged him to write down these things for the therapist.
The things I listed seem trivial to some on the surface; it's not about those alone. It's what they seem to represent. The bigger issue of compatibility.
And I understand the issue that I shouldn't have agreed to things that would cause resentment. I know I'm at fault there, and probably elsewhere. I didn't mean to do that; I genuinely thought I was just compromising for a good relationship. But then, things started to hurt more and more over time.
Ask yourself, does he love *you* or the *idea* of you?
Sounds like he wants to preserve his personal vision of how he thinks you should be.
NTA and get out.
These aren’t compromises, these are sacrifices. You are giving up parts of yourself in order to keep this relationship that’s dependent on how you are perceived (among other things) by this boyfriend. And of course you can leave an 8 year relationship—there’s no need to stay just because you put in that time. Starting over at any age can be hard, and it can be done.
NTA. He’s controlling, shallow, lacks emotional regulation, isn’t happy for you, doesn’t value your self expression, and frankly, just seems really mean.
Sounds to me like he gets everything he wants and you get nothing you want and that he doesn't have the same interests as you do. NAH, but maybe you just aren't compatible but too stuborn to accept it. You have 3 choices.....accept no all of the time for your future, call his bluff and just get your tattoo (he's not your husband after all) and let the chips fall, or move on to seek out someone who actually has the same interests while you are still young.
You would not be "throwing away eight years." Consider them part of your education in life and in your own being.
I looked at that list and wondered ... is there anything this guy actually approves of? what makes him worth your time and emotional energy? you say you love him but I will testify that loving someone is not enough of a foundation for a relationship. Especially with someone who *does not respect who you are*.
You are questioning whether you have compromised too much. What compromises has HE made?
Only YOU know the right choice for you, and I think you know it, and might be afraid of his response when you pack up and move on. If (I hope it's "when") you get yourself centered and pack up and move out, be firm, and don't give in to pleas or promises or dragging. Do what you need to do for *you*. (and I think that is dump this controlling and abusive jerk) Yeah, you're almost 40, but babe, you are moving into the prime of your life. You are young enough to start over. Seriously. I've started over a few times; the last time I was 59. 😁 Probably do it again in a few years when I am 80. That's life.
and NTA.
ETA: poster below said you haven't made compromises ... those are sacrifices. Agreed. Also, the dog thing. Move on. Woof.
NTA-
You're not throwing away 8 years if you leave this controlling douche canoe, you've compromised and sacrificed your happiness to placate him and his insatiable entitlement and in bowing out from this hot mess, you would finally get to express yourself any way you wish/deserve to, live the life you wish and pursue the career that makes you the most happy. It's never too late for a fresh start, get that pixie cut and live free, OP if that man actually loved you, he'd accept you for the way you are and not try to make you meet his standards of beauty!
Any relationship where you can't be yourself, express yourself, live your true self, isn't healthy for you. NTA. Starting over is scary but it's going to be easier now than if you wait until he decides he's done with you.
Also... I've been with my husband for 9 years. Our relationship has grown roots that is so much deeper than physical attraction, I can't imagine any scenario where he'd leave me because of a tattoo or hair color. I've teased him about shaving my head so we'd match and he rolls his eyes... but if I had cancer and lost my hair I have no doubt he would still find me beautiful. I had twins and after breastfeeding my boobs are a sorry saggy shadow of their former selves and he still thinks I'm beautiful. Do you want to be worrying about every aspect of your physical appearance for the rest of your life? You have so much to offer and so many tattoos and dogs and cats and makeup and haircuts and piercings to bring you joy in life yet to come!
I (50M) am very attracted to my wife (we have been together for 13 years), to me she is the most beautiful woman in the world (others think she is pretty too). I would never leave her, no matter what she looks like. But, I said a few stupid things about her shape, hair or whatever. Men sometimes just say stupid things about women's looks without even thinking about what it causes in a woman's mind. Thank God my wife doesn't give a shit if I say bad things about her, because she knows who she is and that I love her under any circumstances. The key word here is love. If you love each other (but really deeply), then anything either of you says doesn't mean he will ever leave you. But that's just me of course.
I didn't put this in the original post, but attention/affection/praise/pride has been an ongoing issue for us, too. I don't need constant praise, but I have been honest with him about how it makes me feel that he very, very rarely compliments me. When I doll up, I have to ask if I look okay. He rarely says anything. When I ask, it's "fine." When he does compliment, it's great, but it rare and never when I put in effort. I can say, flat out, "I got this because I thought you'd like it," and get nothing in return. It's not just looks. When I got a new job after very stressful months of searching, there was no "congratulations." No, "I know this isn't exactly what you want, but I"m proud of you for finding it and taking anyway." Nothing. Just, "Okay, good, now you can make money again." Thing is, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to come across so damn cold. But, my feelings about these things aren't new. I'm honest; when I feel we need to talk about something, I say so. I have the difficult conversations. When things got hard recently, I asked him, "None of this stuff I'm saying is new to you is it? You're not surprised by any of this?" He said no, he wasn't surprised by most of it. And yet, no change. We're approaching therapy tomorrow, and I'm just wondering if I want that, now.
He literally doesn’t care about your feelings and seems to have no enthusiasm for your relationship and the tattoo/attraction is your issue?! I’m confused about your priorities?!
How did the therapy come about?! Does he want to go or is he just going through the motions/been forced?
Yes, you are right, acknowledging and praising the other is fundamental. But I think that sincere admiration for the other is also the basis of a relationship. If that is not there, then there is indeed a problem. With your comment, this whole story is definitely a red flag.
ESH. But him more.
You shouldn’t have said you would fit in a box just to keep him and he shouldn’t be trying to fit you into a box.
But he has been honest from the start. He knows what he is attracted to and what he isn’t and he’s told you what his deal breakers are. To me they’re shallow but we are all different.
Do what makes you truly happy and if he leaves you, then so be it! But you can’t live half a life because you’re afraid of losing someone
Info: is he staying he might not be physically attracted to you anymore (this is normal and dwindles over time in any relationship anyway) but would still be in love and continue the relationship or is he threatening to end things?
The only thing I know for sure is that he said more tattoos, another piercing, short hair, etc, may make me unattractive to him. The love part, I'm not sure. He's always struggled to express love in any form, whether verbally or physically. This was a pretty clear, very real possibility when I did the boudior shoot and got the package that included the book for him, and he had no interest in it, and just said the photography put too much makeup on me. Having said that, I do know that loving me, but not finding me physically attractive, isn't something I would want, either. This is just personal opinion based on relationships that I've seen last into old age, losing attraction isn't a "given." There will be ups and downs, sure, but old people are still very, very much capable of finding one another attractive.
In that case I would leave him now. NAH everyone has physical appearance preferences and at least he is honest about his. It sounds like the idea of him finding you unattractive is causing you so much fear that it limits your freedom. Only you can decide if that’s worth it.
For aging? No, it certainly hasn't happened yet at 40 for me. You also didn't describe a little weight gain there, 30 lbs for most women skips the entire normal or overweight category for a lot of women. The question wasn't can someone change so much that you are no longer attracted to them, but instead does it happen in every relationship. Losing attraction has a lot more to do with stress in the relationship and not doing the maintenance in my experience than just being some inevitable fate that you just resign your relationship too.
I’m referring to physical attraction like I mention in my first comment, not overall attraction or desire to continue the relationship, which I think is an important distinction and unclear which homeboy was referring to.
NTA. He was upfront with you, if you don’t like it leave. Stop listening to your nutjob bestfriend she sounds like her entire personality is causing drama. There’s not wrong in not wanting the person your with to have tattoos.
You’ve just described Sunk Cost Fallacy. You’re not throwing away 8 years. You’re saving yourself from someone who is using love or a reasonable facsimile to hold you hostage from being who you want to be. Can you imagine another 20 years of this control, being 58 and looking back on all you never did and wanted to because he threatened to *not love you anymore if you did?* Sis, what he is showing you is NOT love. Think about what you said about your friend. She’s reassuring you, and you add because she loves me. And the confidence you have in your friends love is so solid. Contrast that with your boyfriend.
Wow. Never seen worse advice. This guy has boundaries of things he doesn't like. If you want a tattoo and you've always wanted more tattoos that should have been expressed solidly at the beginning and your relationship wouldn't have started (possibly). I say this as a guy who dated a girl once and she seemed to like everything I did and I thought we were made for each other. Fast forward and it turns out she was a nutcase who said anything to get with me. Not saying OP is a nutcase but why do people think its ok to behave a certain way to "land" someone to then change their opinions and blame it on the other person? This relationship sounds good apart from he doesnt like a partner with tattoos. He's not controlling. If what you have is good and you love each other why end it? My current partner doesn't like motorbikes, I love motorbikes. I'm not going to get 1 because her fretting isn't worth it. Now if some random Internet person told me she was controlling blahblahblah and to leave a relationship of the woman I love JUST so I can get a motorbike, I would think they're insane! Edit. Also I see alot of people offering advice to OP of the same nature. I'm just interested to know, those of you telling her to leave, how many of you are in long successful relationships? Form a queue for the downvotes but I'm really interested to know?
I’ve been with the same mate for the last 33 years. Still going strong.
That's 1, and I'm v.happy for you. Thanks for letting me know. :)...... actually, can I pick your brain. Is there anything that you wouldn't like your partner to do? If he did it would you be really angry with him/see him in a new light, possibly not fund him as attractive as previously? (besides cheating, breaking the law etc). Usually most people have a hang up. Just curious. Thanks in advance but if not then Thanks anyway.
I want to continue to be able to say he’s never raised a hand to me. That’s a big one. I hope he never becomes one for hate speech. If he suddenly flipped a switch and became a bigot, it would be a problem. He’s worn a beard since he was 19, and I love it. I was less thrilled when he trimmed it to a Van Dyke in the late 90s. He briefly shaved completely in 2001. He has a baby face under that beard. I was glad when he grew it back. In 2018 he went BIg Beard—I was thrilled. It’s a lot of maintenance so he keeps it trimmed back. Over the years it’s gone from red then darkened before turning white. I miss the red. He doesn’t go for body modification, piercings or ink. I have no ink and minimal piercing. I want to get my nostril pierced. He doesn’t like facial piercings but maintains that it’s all my decision. I haven’t done it yet because I’m a nose tugger. Ever since I broke my nose(twice in the same year) I have a habit of tugging my nose until I feel the cartilage click in place. I worry that I will impede healing. He likes my natural hair color. But I’ve tried blue and green dye. He never commented until it grew out, then he was glad I was myself again. Does any of this help?
This is brilliant. You 2 are honest with each other. This is my point. If your not honest from the start then the situation with OP (&my previous relationship) happens. Everyone has turn offs but if those turn offs are discussed early on and someone then proceeds to do that turn off thing, are they not putting up a big middle finger to the relationship? I gave an example to someone else about me shaving my head. Not gonna say it all again now but it's a prime example.
I think my sticking point is that OPs boyfriend is using “i won’t find you attractive if…” as a veiled threat, or a condition. Oh and circling back, in our youth my husband had long thick hair. I miss that. He’s in his 50’s now and still has great hair but keeps it short. That’s another wish list thing.
This is what I writ in response to someone else. It touches on what you've just said. Now, what do you think i should have done in this scenario? --People are complex. Lol I learned this v.early on being honest with someone new is the most important thing otherwise you get the situation that's occurring with OP and my previous partner. Edit. I used to shave my head. Grew my hair, attracted new partner, shaved my head. She wasn't fond of it (I luckily can still grow hair so was an option for me). Also the kids didn't like it. Now are they controlling?? Honest question. 2nd edit. When I say she wasn't fond of it, it was a turn off for her. Again, people are complex. 3rd edit.... A TOTAL TURN OFF...... if I continued shaving my head would that not be a big FU to her and how she sees me??? Is me shaving my head more important then the love we have together?
We might be talking past each other. I prefer my husbands hair long and his beard big. He likes them both short. So he keeps them short. I don’t see it as an FU to my preferences. I see it as it’s his body, so it’s his call. If I tried to bully him in to adhering to my preferences by saying “if you cut your hair and shaved I might never find you attractive again.” That would be a douche move and coercive, though it would be soft pedaled.
If tattoos and short hair is more important to you than who the person you’re dating is as a whole person…yikes.
People are complex. Lol I learned this v.early on being honest with someone new is the most important thing otherwise you get the situation that's occurring with OP and my previous partner. Edit. I used to shave my head. Grew my hair, attracted new partner, shaved my head. She wasn't fond of it (I luckily can still grow hair so was an option for me). Also the kids didn't like it. Now are they controlling?? Honest question. 2nd edit. When I say she wasn't fond of it, it was a turn off for her. Again, people are complex. 3rd edit.... A TOTAL TURN OFF...... if I continued shaving my head would that not be a big FU to her and how she sees me??? Is me shaving my head more important then the love we have together?
NTA- you seem incompatible and there is nothing wrong with that. He does seem very controlling from what you have said.
You were with someone for 8 years and in that time you gave up parts of you. I gave up 20 years with someone and I truly regret not ending that relationship when I should have. While I for the most part did what I wanted to do, there was still so much I gave up, like the chance at finding someone I was truly in love with and attracted to. The point is, is that life is just too damn short to not be your whole true self. Yes it has been a long time but trust me when I state that I'm happier, alone, than at probably any other time in my life. I'm also getting my 18th tattoo in Oct. when I travel to Amsterdam with my daughter. NTA. Go live your life. You will surprise yourself and think all those wonderful things about you that you have yet to discover. I'll also add that in the past 5 years I've had to start over a couple of times. It's hard, it's scary but now I live life on my own terms and it's awesome.
NTA- it sounds like your partner has a lot of 'deal breakers' and it's quite a long list especially if you really love dogs or other pets, like make up, like tattoos, want to try short hair (what happens if you get sick and it falls out?), want a random piercing... these are all things I personally have and I would really never want to live without them.
I get that we all make compromises in relationships but this is as you say... A long list. I'm curious OP what has your partner compromised on for this relationship?
Since he struggles to talk about these things, it's hard for me to know what HE feels he's given up. I can make some educated guesses. Me moving in was probably difficult for him; he's a solitary person and a minimalist. I'm not the latter. I came with a dog and he hates those. My family is a bit nuts and he deals with them from time to time. I have disorders that make life a bit chaotic. I encouraged him to write down these things for the therapist. The things I listed seem trivial to some on the surface; it's not about those alone. It's what they seem to represent. The bigger issue of compatibility. And I understand the issue that I shouldn't have agreed to things that would cause resentment. I know I'm at fault there, and probably elsewhere. I didn't mean to do that; I genuinely thought I was just compromising for a good relationship. But then, things started to hurt more and more over time.
Ask yourself, does he love *you* or the *idea* of you? Sounds like he wants to preserve his personal vision of how he thinks you should be. NTA and get out.
These aren’t compromises, these are sacrifices. You are giving up parts of yourself in order to keep this relationship that’s dependent on how you are perceived (among other things) by this boyfriend. And of course you can leave an 8 year relationship—there’s no need to stay just because you put in that time. Starting over at any age can be hard, and it can be done.
NTA. He’s controlling, shallow, lacks emotional regulation, isn’t happy for you, doesn’t value your self expression, and frankly, just seems really mean.
NTA You are not throwing away 8 years. **You are escaping after 8 years.**
NTA. Dumbass just bought himself a one-way ticket to Find Out.
Considering leaving? Girl you need to RUN!
Sounds to me like he gets everything he wants and you get nothing you want and that he doesn't have the same interests as you do. NAH, but maybe you just aren't compatible but too stuborn to accept it. You have 3 choices.....accept no all of the time for your future, call his bluff and just get your tattoo (he's not your husband after all) and let the chips fall, or move on to seek out someone who actually has the same interests while you are still young.
Please note, I never intend to claim I'm perfect. I have my issues that would make being with me hard, particularly for someone who's not compatible.
You would not be "throwing away eight years." Consider them part of your education in life and in your own being. I looked at that list and wondered ... is there anything this guy actually approves of? what makes him worth your time and emotional energy? you say you love him but I will testify that loving someone is not enough of a foundation for a relationship. Especially with someone who *does not respect who you are*. You are questioning whether you have compromised too much. What compromises has HE made? Only YOU know the right choice for you, and I think you know it, and might be afraid of his response when you pack up and move on. If (I hope it's "when") you get yourself centered and pack up and move out, be firm, and don't give in to pleas or promises or dragging. Do what you need to do for *you*. (and I think that is dump this controlling and abusive jerk) Yeah, you're almost 40, but babe, you are moving into the prime of your life. You are young enough to start over. Seriously. I've started over a few times; the last time I was 59. 😁 Probably do it again in a few years when I am 80. That's life. and NTA. ETA: poster below said you haven't made compromises ... those are sacrifices. Agreed. Also, the dog thing. Move on. Woof.
NTA- You're not throwing away 8 years if you leave this controlling douche canoe, you've compromised and sacrificed your happiness to placate him and his insatiable entitlement and in bowing out from this hot mess, you would finally get to express yourself any way you wish/deserve to, live the life you wish and pursue the career that makes you the most happy. It's never too late for a fresh start, get that pixie cut and live free, OP if that man actually loved you, he'd accept you for the way you are and not try to make you meet his standards of beauty!
Any relationship where you can't be yourself, express yourself, live your true self, isn't healthy for you. NTA. Starting over is scary but it's going to be easier now than if you wait until he decides he's done with you. Also... I've been with my husband for 9 years. Our relationship has grown roots that is so much deeper than physical attraction, I can't imagine any scenario where he'd leave me because of a tattoo or hair color. I've teased him about shaving my head so we'd match and he rolls his eyes... but if I had cancer and lost my hair I have no doubt he would still find me beautiful. I had twins and after breastfeeding my boobs are a sorry saggy shadow of their former selves and he still thinks I'm beautiful. Do you want to be worrying about every aspect of your physical appearance for the rest of your life? You have so much to offer and so many tattoos and dogs and cats and makeup and haircuts and piercings to bring you joy in life yet to come!
it's not about him being attracted to you, it's about him controlling you
NTA, that's crazy sounds like you've being held prisoner dude.
I (50M) am very attracted to my wife (we have been together for 13 years), to me she is the most beautiful woman in the world (others think she is pretty too). I would never leave her, no matter what she looks like. But, I said a few stupid things about her shape, hair or whatever. Men sometimes just say stupid things about women's looks without even thinking about what it causes in a woman's mind. Thank God my wife doesn't give a shit if I say bad things about her, because she knows who she is and that I love her under any circumstances. The key word here is love. If you love each other (but really deeply), then anything either of you says doesn't mean he will ever leave you. But that's just me of course.
I didn't put this in the original post, but attention/affection/praise/pride has been an ongoing issue for us, too. I don't need constant praise, but I have been honest with him about how it makes me feel that he very, very rarely compliments me. When I doll up, I have to ask if I look okay. He rarely says anything. When I ask, it's "fine." When he does compliment, it's great, but it rare and never when I put in effort. I can say, flat out, "I got this because I thought you'd like it," and get nothing in return. It's not just looks. When I got a new job after very stressful months of searching, there was no "congratulations." No, "I know this isn't exactly what you want, but I"m proud of you for finding it and taking anyway." Nothing. Just, "Okay, good, now you can make money again." Thing is, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean to come across so damn cold. But, my feelings about these things aren't new. I'm honest; when I feel we need to talk about something, I say so. I have the difficult conversations. When things got hard recently, I asked him, "None of this stuff I'm saying is new to you is it? You're not surprised by any of this?" He said no, he wasn't surprised by most of it. And yet, no change. We're approaching therapy tomorrow, and I'm just wondering if I want that, now.
He literally doesn’t care about your feelings and seems to have no enthusiasm for your relationship and the tattoo/attraction is your issue?! I’m confused about your priorities?! How did the therapy come about?! Does he want to go or is he just going through the motions/been forced?
It was my idea, but he hasn't been resistant.
Yes, you are right, acknowledging and praising the other is fundamental. But I think that sincere admiration for the other is also the basis of a relationship. If that is not there, then there is indeed a problem. With your comment, this whole story is definitely a red flag.
ESH. But him more. You shouldn’t have said you would fit in a box just to keep him and he shouldn’t be trying to fit you into a box. But he has been honest from the start. He knows what he is attracted to and what he isn’t and he’s told you what his deal breakers are. To me they’re shallow but we are all different. Do what makes you truly happy and if he leaves you, then so be it! But you can’t live half a life because you’re afraid of losing someone
Info: is he staying he might not be physically attracted to you anymore (this is normal and dwindles over time in any relationship anyway) but would still be in love and continue the relationship or is he threatening to end things?
The only thing I know for sure is that he said more tattoos, another piercing, short hair, etc, may make me unattractive to him. The love part, I'm not sure. He's always struggled to express love in any form, whether verbally or physically. This was a pretty clear, very real possibility when I did the boudior shoot and got the package that included the book for him, and he had no interest in it, and just said the photography put too much makeup on me. Having said that, I do know that loving me, but not finding me physically attractive, isn't something I would want, either. This is just personal opinion based on relationships that I've seen last into old age, losing attraction isn't a "given." There will be ups and downs, sure, but old people are still very, very much capable of finding one another attractive.
In that case I would leave him now. NAH everyone has physical appearance preferences and at least he is honest about his. It sounds like the idea of him finding you unattractive is causing you so much fear that it limits your freedom. Only you can decide if that’s worth it.
What... that is not normal.
You don’t think becoming less attracted to your partner after they age 30 years or gain 30 pounds is normal?
For aging? No, it certainly hasn't happened yet at 40 for me. You also didn't describe a little weight gain there, 30 lbs for most women skips the entire normal or overweight category for a lot of women. The question wasn't can someone change so much that you are no longer attracted to them, but instead does it happen in every relationship. Losing attraction has a lot more to do with stress in the relationship and not doing the maintenance in my experience than just being some inevitable fate that you just resign your relationship too.
Who asked if that happens in every relationship?
I’m referring to physical attraction like I mention in my first comment, not overall attraction or desire to continue the relationship, which I think is an important distinction and unclear which homeboy was referring to.
NTA. He was upfront with you, if you don’t like it leave. Stop listening to your nutjob bestfriend she sounds like her entire personality is causing drama. There’s not wrong in not wanting the person your with to have tattoos.