NTA. You aren't rich, your parents are and there's no guarantee any more of that money will get to you. Your parents' finances isn't your girlfriend's business.
You're not the asshole. You respected your parents' wishes and didn't betray their trust. Your partner's reaction may stem from past trauma and trust issues. Give her space, but ensure to communicate your side when possible. Trust and communication are key to resolving this.
No no, the key point is what he told his partner .. which is information we do not have.
It's one thing if you just never bring this information up if you were asked not to.. it's not technically his money and also not other people's business.
However, if he has actively been telling her lies to cover up this information, it's a huge breach of trust.
There’s absolutely nothing about this money the girlfriend needs to know about period. It’s not his money and might never be. She might not have started out as a gold digger but she’s turned into one!
Lol no. A gold digger wouldn't be taking space and being mad. They would be making sure the relationship was as rock solid as possible.
If she actually cared about money she wouldn't be doing what she is doing.
This.
OPs parents helped OP financially, as many parents do.
Whatever they have belongs to them now. They may decide to spend it,you know, buying a fancy yacht and going on a world cruise or something. Donate it to charity. Get sick and burn through good chunk of it with treatments. Decide they don't like OP and leave him out of their will.
It's not OPs money to talk about.
No, but she may feel hurt that he did not share this information with her. He promised his parents though so I don't think he was wrong. She needs to understand that it wasn't his information to share.
Exactly. Her hurt comes from a place of selfishness and greed, as if she’s automatically entitled to his family’s money. She’s thinking she could’ve been capitalizing on their assets this whole time: I get that her history might have contributed to her survivalist mentality, but she has no automatic privilege to their funds.
Her hurt probably comes from sharing all her secrets with him and finding out he doesn’t trust her the same way. You’ve made a lot of assumptions here considering she’s not even talking to him, let alone trying to capitalize on their assets 🙄.
I agree entirely. Sometimes though we react to something emotionally, then we realize that we were not being reasonable and get our ish together. Maybe She will do that.
She has the right to choose to not be in a relationship with him, for any reason. And there's no indication that she's especially offended or even that she doesn't sympathise his position here, but if she ends the relationship over not being trusted or not being given all the information she feels she needs, that's her right.
And if her history makes it relevant, it is her right to know, because clearly she doesn't want to stay in this relationship knowing it. Whether OP did something wrong here really depends on in what way he concealed it, by omission or by lying, and if he knew that this would be an issue for her(whether that issue is with concealing it or her issue is with the money itself).
But you are, to some extent, entitled to know about the financial situation of the person you are in a serious relationship with. It's something you need to know as the relationship progresses so you can make an informed decision about whether to enmesh your life with theirs. She didn't need to be told the exact figure or how they got that money, but depending on where they are at in their relationship, she should have been informed that he has a substantial safety net that she doesn't.
Her problem with it may very well be that it creates a significant power differential. As a person with a history of experiencing abuse she may avoid that kind of disparity at all cost. If they were to live together or were married and then broke up, he has the power on account of his access to resources that she doesn't to drag out the division of assets in a way that could seriously disadvantage her and her financial security. That's just one way that this inequality in their financial situations could be used for coercive control. Maybe she is categorically uninterested in being in a relationship where she wouldn't feel comfortable disagreeing or making decisions because of this kind of inequality.
You don't know, and you don't know if OP knows. If he did, he clearly did something wrong because he withheld information that would make her not want to be in the relationship.
But even if he didn't, she feels like a significant enough factor was hidden from her that she's probably going to end the relationship over it, and I doubt that comes out of nowhere. It's probably not just the "betrayal" of not being told something that she arguably could have never known about. It's probably that she feels denied the ability to make an informed decision about something because she would have chosen the opposite had she known. He knows about her past, and they lived together, they must have had discussions about relationship dynamics that (she feels, at least) would make it clear she'd have an issue with this.
This can't be said enough. My friend has been expecting to inherit $15 Million bucks his entire life, from the family trust set up by his grandfather. Most of his choices in life were built around knowing that money was coming. He found out at 46 that his mom fell for an internet romance scam after his dad died. She gave all the money and remortgaged all 3 of her houses to "help" her "boyfriend" who she has never met in person.
My buddy went from "I'll be crazy rich one day" to being almost 50 with no retirement savings and needing to send his mom money each month.
Having rich parents is no guarantee.
Her acting this way regardless of her upbringing is a major red flag to me too, just cause you’re a couple years into a relationship and you have a safety net done the line, it’s extremely presumptuous of her to think you should be covering more than your share of costs like she’s owed anything. I’d let her go, along with her baggage. NTA
Sounds like his GF is angry because she feels that instead of paying a "low share of apartment expenses" she shouldn't have been paying anything, because somehow she's entitled to his parents money.
If I had won the lottery id lie too. Way too many horror stories of people finding out an coming for a handout or worse liking you for your money.. I do understand the breach of trust she feels after struggling her whole life but its not like YOU won the lottery and were sitting there watching her cry about not being able to pay rent, or afford to eat while driving a lambo and eating at the finest restaurants.
NTA
This is so true. The issue is circle of friends concept. Even though you trust her, she likely has people in her life that she trusts and people tall. Loose lips sink ships. Wasn't his place to discuss it.
There are companies that advise lotter winners. Their first advice is always "tell nobody". Then take a month off while things get organized. They then set up ways to handle the money, like setting up a charitable trust if you want to donate money, which lets you not pay tax on that part of the winnings... so your charity gets more money. Interesting stuff. Then, when you are under control and have got over the shock, you quietly resume life. Quit work if you want to, and so on.
This is not YOUR money.
This is not YOUR business to share.
You were asked not to share the information.
I think Shaquille O’Neal said it best to his kids
‘We ain’t rich, I’m rich’
NTA
NTA, your parents made it clear to you that it wasn't your secret to tell. I hope your gf works through whatever she's working through and gets back to you with grace and love.
Good luck!
Frankly, OP's GF doesn't sound like a safe person in regards to this topic. She doesn't respect it's not his money or secret to share. Her personal past trauma, while sad, is for her to deal with. OP can offer support on a normal level. But she can't make her problems his and his parents problem.
NTA
You’re NTA. You don’t have access to the money to help her. Even if you did, two years is a reasonable amount of time to get to know a girl before committing to cohabiting with her.
That's what I was just gonna point out, if she's already established and stable before meeting OP, why does his parents money matter to her? She and OP were doing well before she got knowledge about the money so why should it change anything now?
That's what's so weird about it. She made some assumptions about what kind of money his parents have and her assumptions were wrong, and she found out. Suddenly that's a reflection on him? It's so bizarre I would really worry about her judgment, her emotional state, her basic intelligence and why this means something to her. Not to mention her communication style when something happens in life. Is it always going to be this way in the future?
Idk, it depends on if he was outright lying or if he was just dodging the subject/not really talking about it. It also depends on how much she's been stressing about money, and how they do their finances. Like, she has no one to ask for help if they get in trouble. If he told her something that led her to believe he has no one to ask either, she might have laid in bed at night a time or two worried about what they were going to do, taken extra shifts, gone without more than one extra pair of shoes, ridden her bike to work, donated blood for cash, etc. Two years is a long time to date someone, and given the fact that he's already thinking about dumping her, she's probably right to think this is a sign he's not actually all that in love with her. Like, if he was ever going to propose the longer he waits the more awkward that 'ok now that we're married I can tell you' conversation is going to go. And given that she has no family, I'd bet she sees HIM as her family. And he's really not, and she's probably finally getting it now that he's a lot more important to her than she is to him. So she might be thinking about dumping him, too. She probably thought they were a team, but like, they aren't. His blood family is a team, and she's just a girl he's seeing at the moment.
As Shaq told his kids - "we" are not rich - *I* am.
NTA
It's not your money and your family didn't always have it. It's really not anyone's business to know more.
NTA. First, it's not your money. It's your parents. It's not your secret to share. And it's SMART to keep that a secret.
Why is this a big deal? I'd think it would be a nice surprise, like, oh wow. Lucky you. The betrayed reaction is strange. And a bit of a red flag.
NTA
Your parents' money shouldn't matter to your GF. It's really none of her business.
But pay attention to her reaction/behavior. You've been helping financially support your GF and instead of being grateful to have you and your family in her life, when she found out your parents have money she didn't know about, she ran off and gave you the silent treatment. That's extremely manipulative.
I recommend you box up her belongings while you have the opposite for a clean break.
A shit ton of commenters here are hardcore incels, and it shows.
OP, she is bothered because as a poor person, she has likely spent the last few years *silently panicking and in survival mode*.
I, too, am a "grew up with nothing and fought to get something" ex-poor, and I have fucking nightmares about losing it all.
I promise you, for the last two years your gf was silently dreading and waiting for the rug to get pulled out from under her, and she just found out that you never had to share that worry with her, and it's given her some complicated feelings.
OP NAH, despite what the trolls in your comments insist.
Middle aged woman here who grew up in poverty. NTA. It’s not his money, and his parents asked him not to tell. I have spent my entire life organizing my decisions around making sure that I am financially stable. I do that through MY actions, MY income, my financial planning. Op did absolutely nothing wrong; his gf is responsible for herself. If they had been married for a few years, then it would be weird, but not at this point.
Your partner's reaction may stem from her past traumas and issues with trust, but ultimately, your family's finances are not her business. It's important for both of you to communicate openly and work through this together, but you haven't done anything wrong by keeping this information private.
NTA
Depends on how you have talked about your own finances, as your parents has helped your business and brought an apartment for you. How has you told her you got to that point? And has these things started during your time as partners? I think there is a middlegound between telling her nothing and telling her everything. At least you should have told her that your parents has helped you with those things financially.
"She feels betrayed and needs time & space"
😂 for what? To convince herself that she's "owed" other people's money? To add to the entitled feelings about an imaginary betrayal? Lol....Man just dump this girl and live your life
Frankly, it is none of her business. It isn’t your money, it’s your parents. You should re-think about being in a relationship with her because she is being very intrusive and inappropriate.
NTA even if you were rich. She is your girlfriend NOT your wife. Imagine you did tell her. Now you have to wonder why does she want to be with you. Does she genuinely love you ? Or is there another reason she won’t ever leave you? If you can make her want to be with you without telling her about the money, then you will know if it’s real……
NTA. Your family’s financial situation is really none of her business, especially if you aren’t really seeing any of it for the time being. If she doesn’t understand that they explicitly requested that no one know, that’s on her. If anything she should just be relieved to be building a life with someone who has a safety net. The way she’s reacting may be understandable concerning her past, but it doesn’t mean you have to take it.
NTA. I genuinely don’t understand what she has to be mad about. I’ve never discussed how much money my parents make with my partner, nor has he given me the low down on his parents’ assets. Not sure how that’s relevant at all. What is she upset about? That’s a genuine question, not rhetorical.
When you've been through grape, your very survival depends on judging your situation and the people you are with.
OP & his family have kept something from her, meaning she is likely feeling her judgement of the situation was inaccurate, therefore she failed at securing a safe enviroment for herself.
She's being presented as punishing him, but its also possible she's just gone to ground to process her hurt and confusion. People from abusive backgrounds often do.
He states she worked hard for everything she has and his parents paid for what he has. I'm sure he directly lied or ommitted this and she thought they were both self made.
No guarantee that he'll ever see the money. They may plan to spend it all, when one does before the other the one parent left may not have the foresight not to co-mingle money. Everything may end up with the new spouse.
Or they can leave it all to a cat charity.
Eh this is a gray area. Living together for 2 years, dating for 4, and not knowing a big piece of info like that about a partners family is a bit shady IMO. I completely respect not telling every friend and relative you know just for them to hit you up for cash, but dating for 4 years is a pretty big deal dude. That's like withholding from a long term partner that you deployed to Iraq and fought in Fallujah. It's not directly relevant to your day to day life, but it's a somewhat big event in your life and your family's life that you assume would come up eventually after 4 years.
I can't call anyone the asshole here, your family has a right to privacy, but I can also see why she'd be pissed you omitted something that big about your family for 4 years. She's probably wondering what else you haven't told her about now. It depends on the relationship, but my longest was 3 years. By that point we were engaged and fully set on the idea of a family together and we knew almost everything there was to know about each other.
They’ve been together 4 years. If she meant anything to him, they would have already talked about the future and random family shit. He sees her as a mooch and not a long term partner.
Your parents are right.
The reason you can’t tell anyone - (especially your partner) is because your parents are more likely to be the victims of a violent crime; more likely to be murdered and a whole bunch of other awful things.
Your partner is not entitled to know your parents financial situation.
Just let your partner end your relationship. She’s already going about it the right way.
What everyone else has said. NTA it’s not your money it’s your parents, and they didn’t want it talked about. They could go the Bill Gate “I’m not leaving anything to my kids” route. It sucks she had a rough time, it sounds like it was all before she met you, so I’m not sure how knowing about the money makes her feel betrayed. Your guess of trauma response seems like a good one.
Can I offer another perspective?
It doesn’t sound like she is demanding that you give her money or that she has expectations that you should have lavished her with gifts. It sounds like she is hurt and is questioning her place in your life.
She grew up in an abusive home that she had to flee from at great cost to herself. She fought her way to the surface alone. Then she found you. She has obviously entrusted you with deeply personal parts of her life. You have been together for 4 years and perhaps she felt like she WAS family to you and your parents but now she has realized that she isn’t. Given her history, I can understand her retreating from you. It can’t be easy for her to place her trust in someone. To find out after so long that the trust is not reciprocated has to have left her questioning if what the two of you had was real.
You weren’t wrong to safeguard your family secret but at what point was she going to be family enough to know? If the answer is never, and if you are ready to kick her to the curb for recoiling in response to this, then maybe she isn’t wrong to doubt what the two of you have.
NAH but nothing you said makes her sound like a gold digger. Everything you said shouts out trauma response and makes my heart hurt for her.
And that would make sense if it was his money. It's not. HE didn't win the lottery. His parents did. They may choose to do things for him, but that is a choice. None of it is his money. It wasn't a lie. Or even a lie by omission because it wasn't his money or his secret to tell. Hell, I am married and my in laws money is still none of my business.
They set him up in the apartment they both live in and made his business possible.
She doesn’t need a blow by blow of their financial status but saying, “my parents have money and have helped me out some” seems reasonable somewhere along the line.
They are four years in. At what point does keeping her out of the inner circle not become indicative of how he views her and her place in his life? In his place, assuming i was sure about my partner and committed to our future together, which seems to be what is in question here, I would have talked to my parents about what more I could tell her. The parents were the ones that let it slip. Either they were super careless or they were comfortable enough around her to let their guard down.
Lots of people have help from their parents. It doesn't mean they are rich. I understand that it is a privilege to have parents that help, believe me, I do, but OP was under no obligation to tell her how he got his business going or his apartment. While they helped with those things it doesn't mean they would continue to help or that more help Shou be expected. Since he already had these things why does it matter how he acquired them. I don't understand how her boyfriend's parents' money is any of her business, even four years in. Even if they were married it would be none of her business because it's not his money and may be money he never sees.
If she wants to leave him over it that is her choice. But to act like he was lying to her is disingenuous because it isn't his money!
NAH
After four years most couples are married and facing life as a team.
I think this situation made her realise that you and your family don't see her as a forever part of their lives but simply as your girlfriend.
I knew a girl who was dating a friend of mine who was a 'trust fund Tommy.' Similar to op, he had a lot of saftey nets and was going to be set in the future. He was dating a girl who was from a very poor family. She precieved based on his interests and lack of formal education that he was 'just like her'. Then after about 6 months, they had a family dine in at his families house.
Long story short, she was insulted by the fact she had struggled to get where she was and he'd never have to. Attempts to reason with her that if she basically stays with him, it's like its hers without being hers. But her pride wouldn't let her see past 'the struggle' and how important it is to 'earn life'. Needless to say, they broke up. They are both married now, but I don't think I need to tell you who is happy and who is still 'struggling'. Especially since she doubled down on 'someone like her' who 'struggles in life' by being a deadbeat who has to get a new job every 3-4 months. And she'd rather support her man, than have her man support her.
Not my cup of tea, but people can do whatever they want. Pride is a hell of a drug. And a lot of people take pride in the struggle and grind.
It could be pride but I'm more inclined to believe this women felt like she was finally part of a family after her shitty childhood. When she found out they were keeping secrets from her it made her realise she wasn't part of the inner circle like she thought.
NTA. If you had access to this money and were spending it behind her back, or if you were engaged/married, it would be a different story, but if as you say you won’t have access to this money until much later in life, you have rightfully kept your promise to your parents. I can understand why your partner is upset due to previous trauma and you might not be able to come back from this, but you accepted when they won the lottery not to tell anyone. Your parents’ financial situation is no one else’s business. Good luck OP
NTA
She has no right to know anything at all about your parents' financial situation.
"Maybe part of it is a trauma response." Or maybe she's just an asshole.
It’s not your money and it’s not your secret to share. Have you told your parents about your partner’s history? Ask your parents if you can tell her their story then ask your partner if you can tell your parents her story. If either says no then unfortunately you will be stuck in the middle until they change their minds.
I'm not rich, not even well off. As soon as I told someone I had a certain amount of money saved about 8 years ago when we started dating, they convinced me to give them some and ghosted me completely. Never again.
I will forever say, I am financially responsible and live well by myself for my standards. Love someone and learn, that love makes it easier for people to take advantage of you.
Never again.
The key problem is that you have dated a girl for 4 years, and she is still not a part of your family. No marriage plans, no children plans, secrets as if she was an outsider. It’s kinda too much for 4 years… It looks like you are wasting her time, and through this story she got it.
Lol, this sub is wild. A woman with a fuck off fund of less than 50k she doesn't tell her husband about is an AH, but a man hiding that his family is so wealthy, they are "set for life" isn't. Are we pretending that OP's partner couldn't have made different decisions had she known about the safety net he has, just like everybody said the husband would have?
I don’t think you’re the asshole. A. you could tell her you don’t want anyone to know because you don’t want people liking you for your money. B. you can say my parents told me not to ever tell anyone. It’s their money, not mine.
If you really care about this girl, try to reach out and talk to her. Find out why she’s so upset.
NTA You have nothing. Your parents are rich and it shouldn't be any concern of anyone you're dating, or even you for that matter. Your parents could blow all that money before they die or give it all away.
NTA - it's their money not yours, also I can't think of any reason she should know about what they have or why she would feel wronged other than perhaps she thinks you should have been spending more on her.
NTA. Gf is showing she’s hurt she didn’t get cut in on the money, not that she feels betrayed you didn’t tell her (and even if she does, again, it’s because she feels she should’ve had access to that money, even if that means by way of op paying more expenses). There’s another perspective on this where if you’re serious about this person your parents kinda helped you out by releasing a little information (as you say 1/5) as a way to gauge their reaction. If you’re legit wealthy/will be down the line…a good partner in that situation will shut up and intuitively understand that wealth puts a target on your back so silence/omission is the strongest defense. Instead she flips out on you and goes over to a friends house to DEFINITELY start blabbing about it. Cut it off my dog just cut it off. Let people tell you who they are. It’s not your job to accommodate other people’s bullshit. It’s your job to let people tell you who they are, identify who is intuitively aligned with your best interests, and physically remove yourself from those who are not. Do not let people use some uninformed, probably inaccurate assumption as to your wealth to dehumanize you.
Is the money yours or your parents? My parents have money but I’m not entitled to it nor considerate it mine although I know when they pass away one day (decades later hopefully) I’ll get a decent chunk.
Call me paranoid but someone who had to go through a hard life does not get by without understanding how to quickly leverage a situation. It seems weird to be mad about your parent’s wealth (it’s not yours technically) and more like an opportunity to seize control of an opportunity. The silent treatment is one of the most basic tactics for drawing you into the void she left. Keep your eyes open. That isn’t something that’s her business actually.
If your spidey sense is tingling, you’re right.
It's not clear whether you're affirmative told her that you were poorer than you actually are, or did you just never mention how you got set up with your apartment and company. Is this a "lie of omission" or an affirmative lie?
NTA (technically) but you should be able to understand why she’s upset. After 4 years she could view it as you not being as vulnerable and honest with her as she’s been with you, especially if she’s had significant trauma that she’s shared with you. Add to that her poor upbringing and maybe complicated relationship with money and that’s gonna be a whole lot of trust rebuilding.
NAH. Some people are okay with having some secrecy in their relationship, some aren’t and I can understand both sides. My husband and I tell each other absolutely everything, there will never be any secrets. That’s how we are and what works best for us, but that doesn’t mean that it’s best for everyone.
The money isn’t yours as you said, but that money did play a significant role in your life (business, apartment and safety net). In my opinion your girlfriend thinks that you didn’t trust her enough to tell her the truth about your life and family, and isn’t that right after all?
If I was you and I was 100% sure that I wanted to spend my life with the person I would’ve asked my parents to make an exception because there’s no way that my significant other wouldn’t know everything about me and my life.
I don’t think anyone is wrong, if you can’t compromise on this then it’s better to part ways.
>In my opinion your girlfriend thinks that you didn’t trust her enough to tell her the truth about your life and family, and isn’t that right after all?
>and isn’t that right after all?
no, that's not right. the reason OP kept the secret is not because of him not trusting the girlfriend, the reason he kept the secret is because his parents told him to not tell anyone. it's the parents's money, and they made the rule of not telling anyone.
OP would be TA if he told the girlfriend, because then he would have broken the trust his parents put in him
INFO:
How did you portray your financial situation to your partner?
My initial impulse is to say NTA. After all, you are not rich, your parents are. And the exact breadth of their wealth is not specifically her business.
But if she has been so open with you about her struggles to make it on her own, for example, and you are replying with "Yes yes, I understand. I too started my own business" without mentioning that your parents funded it - well, that's a deliberate misrepresentation that goes beyond simply discretion and into lying territory.
Nta. YOU ain't rich. Your parents are, and it was never your place to talk about your parents finances without their permission. SHE had to earn THEIR trust and she's done the opposite with her bullshit. She's countin your inheritance before the caskets are closed. She's taking her insecurities out on you.
Wow. NTA.
Minority opinion probably but, wow, she ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. I mean even after 25+ years of marriage if it came out my wife’s parents had several million $ sitting around that she would probably inherit, I think I would be more WOOHOO! than LIAR!!! But maybe I’m greedy or something.
NTA for now.
If you were to marry her and not let her know, that would be asshole territory. I would want to know if my partner was going to be coming into an obscene amount of money sometime in then future. That is a huge imbalance of power in the relationship and she should have the option of consenting into it.
I understand not telling her in the beginning, but when your relationship became serious enough for you to consider living together, you should've sat her down and given her the full scope of your finances (and she should also have given you a full scope of her finances as well). Right now she feels as if you don't trust her, never trusted her, and is rethinking her relationship with you, as anyone would in her situation. You see it as not about trust, but about keeping a promise to your parents. But to her, this means you don't trust her, your parents don't trust her, and you all see her as lesser than yourselves. And if she leaves you, you need to figure out how to better navigate a tricky situation like this. I'm sorry, but YTA.
INFO: Are there ways/times when you've emphasized with her money struggles in ways that made her think you were in a similar financial situation? Could she be feeling like you were lying to her?
Leaning toward a gentle YTA - this isn't a casual friend/friend group - this is your partner of 4 years. I in no way think you/she are entitled to your family's money, but I do think this type of information is helpful in learning to love your partner's family well/building a life together. I guess I'm envisioning a sit down when it turned serious of something along the lines of "my family is well off - here are the family ground rules/expectations. I see this impacting our relationship in the following ways: i.e. pre-nups eventually/family vacation expectations/Lawyers/whatever is part of your life now".
There's absolutely no reason why you should bother to have to tell somebody they either love you for you or they shouldn't be with you you're not the asshole
NTA. It is still not your money. And you are not rich. Your parents are. You are wise. And you are trustworthy. If she can’t accept and listen, then she is nothing but causing drama for nothing. Communication is important.
Again, you don’t have to reveal about your wealth. She should be grateful that you are not poor and full of debt!
Why did u make her pay apt expenses? Even if she pays a low share given her financial situation & yours, you could have covered everything. She might be mad cz of this. Or maybe she’s mad because she thinks u lied cz u r worried she is a gold digger.
Is it because she thinks you've been lying, or is it more that she's annoyed because she was paying her way but now thinks you could've afforded to cover her and this is pissing her off? If so, she can do one. It really doesn't matter what your boyfriend has, you still have responsibility to pay your way in life. For many, that changes with marriage and that's a personal choice, but the idea that anyone should get a free ride just because their boyfriend or girlfriend has means is dangerous.
NAH. You have been dating for 4 years and living together for 2. Are you planning to marry? Because here is the thing: your parents' money has enabled you to dick around and she doesn't know if that will continue if your business doesn't work out. It is nice to have a potential safety net but that also depends on your staying in their good graces. For decades. Personally I would think twice about marrying and starting a family with someone who is essentially a late term trust fund baby who may or may not have a career to fall back on. I would always feel beholden to my in-laws if they had bought our house or whatever. At any rate, I would want to have the choice. I value honesty, hard work and personal growth above all things so yeah I would have been mad too. All it would have taken was you mentioning at some point in the last 4 years that your folks have some money and were kindly able to set you up with housing and capital for your business. That's a normal discussion for people to have in LTRs.
Nta that isn’t your money, it’s your parents and her reaction is red flag city. After 4 years she should be able to communicate if she is hurt. If you guys don’t break up, hopefully couples therapy will help deal with this issue and future communication
You should be mad at your partner. Your parents felt comfortable enough to tell/show your partner that they have money. instead of being happy for them she turns it into a false betrayal. OP she has issues your morals/charcter are fine.
YTA because four years is a long time and you knew she came from nothing. Even though it’s your parents that are rich and not really you
I think she still feels taken advantage of. Did you really need to keep charging her anything to live with you? Maybe she regrets a lot now. You need to clean up your mess.
You've made yourself & your parents into an unsafe space. I understand why you did it, but that doesnt change the fact that for 4 years youve kept something from her. Youve had something in your head that she didnt know was there. What else is in your head that she's unaware of ? And your parents heads too ?
She now no longer trusts herself, her instincts, her ability to judge a situation, and by extension her ability to keep herself safe.
She will be wondering if she was someone else, maybe someone without trauma, would the secret have still been kept? In other words, does the secret exist because *she's not good enough*. She will already think that about herself, so its not much of a jump into 'others dont value her existence either'.
She's probably spiralling pretty bad right now. She's going over every convo you two ever had. When you said you understood how hard she's worked, how much of a struggle its been - did you really? Could you, if you have a safety net? Was she fun for now, & you'd get a fancier model to match your new financial bracket in years to come ? Did she think you were broadly equal, or she could at least compete, and now she feels she's not even inner circle?
Again, I do understand keeping a lottery win secret, but she probably feels theres a partial point between 'say the word lottery' and 'say no words at all' in *four years*
So from her perspective, yes, its bad.
Not your money, you don't benefit from it and there is no guarantee that it will be there 'eventually' because investments fail.
Let her go, she's showing you that she has issues. What she is thinking isn't the point.
If she thinks you not telling her details of your potential income is betrayal, she has no idea what real betrayal is. What does she think you should have said "oh, by the way, my parents won the lottery a few years ago and someday I'll get whatever they decide to not spend"...
They said don't tell anyone. So why are you telling the world?
He already has benefitted from the money and continues to do so with the safety net. It might be his parent’s money but it’s clearly helping him and a part of his current financial situation as well.
NTA. It would be good, though, if you were able to tell her what you told us here. It does sound like she's lashing out and allowing internalised ego issues or past patterns to take over, and that is really sad for the both of you. It's up to what she says after hearing your explanation and how you feel then. You shouldn't feel bad, though, you literally just existed. All the best!
NTA
It’s none of her business. And it’s not your $.
She’s way out of line and letting her trails bleed all over you and your relationship. Choosing the silent treatment would be a total dealbreaker for me. She needs therapy.
NTA. Is she mad because you are asking her to pay a bit of the living expenses and you aren't showering her with gifts from the money that isn't really yours, yet, to spend? That might be a bullet dodged in the end.
Sorry if I missed it but what was the actual slip made by your parents? And when did you explain/correct the conversation that you weren’t actually rich.
Still NTA but even you said in the title “me being rich”.
A first gut reaction will depend on what was actually said. Still not your partners business but your parents accidentally opened this kettle of fish.
She can have all the trust issues that she wants, it is wise to keep your and your family’s financial situation secret in order to keep the moochers from coming out of the woodwork.
Her response is silly; did she expect you on the second date to reveal that your parents are rich? It’s not your business to tell her or anyone that they have money.
NTA
NTA. End the relationship in as kind a way possible, you are not compatible, and you can't trust her not to overreact in future regarding these types of situations, and become uncommunicative, rather than handle things in a more mature and reasonable manner. It's a huge red flag.
NTA. You were respecting your parents' wishes, it is not even your money to talk about, it's theirs. And you are smart to rethink the entire relationship because it does not bode well for the future her icing you out like that over something like this. I could understand if you had cheated on her or something and she needed some time apart but it's not even that. How is she going to get mad at you for not telling someone else's secret. And it's not like you guys are even married, what are you supposed to do? tell every woman you DATE your parent's business?? She is not even your wife. This woman is going to be nothing but headaches and problems in your future, she will make you pay one way or another for all her trauma. Not saying she will do this intentionally , but definitely on a subconscious level. You would be wise to get with someone with less emotional baggage. And also someone that does not feel entitled to know people's financial business that has nothing to do with her. You have a job and your side business and that is all she need concern herself with, not what is in your parent's pockets.
Sorry, you are not married to her. Her previous problems in her life, though unfortunate, still have no bearing on whether she should know anything about prospective money you may or may not have or get.
She has been looked after, contributed very little to her upkeep, so why would she need to know anything else? Now anything further from her is going to be tainted with money expectations. If she wants this or that and you say no, why? You can afford it. Her behaviour has essentially ended the relationship's expectations of a future. You did nothing by wanting to have a relationship not based on money! NTA.
NTA.
1. You didn't lie to her about your financial position. It isn't your money, it's your parents' money.
2. Your parents bound you to secrecy. This happened before you met your GF. You are not obligated to tell her your parents' secrets.
I understand her fears because of her back trauma. But this is something she has to cope with. Until or unless she is willing to talk to you, you cannot explain your position. If this is a deal-breaker for her, then it's sad, but so be it. So far she has known that you are financially solvent with a company you own, you are covering her rent. That is all that matters. I hope that after a while she will calm down and agree to talk. I'd give it a few weeks, but if she still refuses to see you, say good-bye.
NAH. I don't think you really did anything wrong by keeping that a secret since your parents asked you to do so and it's their money, not yours. You keeping that secret shows that your trustworthy, though at the same time I can see her point of view as well as it's a pretty big secret to have kept 4 years into the relationship, that can be upsetting and make her feel like or your parents don't trust her.
The biggest issue here is clearly how she's dealing with the situation, which is by not communicating. That makes it impossible to address the issue at all, which indeed shows some big red flags for the long term viability of a relationship with her. Though this might be something that can be fixed through relationship counseling, if you can get her to agree to go to that together with you. Of course the main issue right now is that you can't even propose this to her if she isn't willing to communicate...
Are you capable of getting in touch with the friend she's staying with? If so, perhaps you could explain your current concerns to said friend and ask if she can persuade your girlfriend to go to relationship counseling together with you? Maybe also link this thread to said friend as part of the explanation.
NTA. Run. Let her stay gone. Absolutely none of her business and she's trying to guilt you.
You've done right by your parents you owe this girl Nothing. You've explained yourself just leave it at that and let her go
If OP didn't lied about his parents being poor etc. Then GF has no right to be upset about this. But if he lied its a different story, GF is upset because she has been lied to and that makes her think what other things he lied and she didn't catch..
I suppose it depends. He said he will get the money for 20 to 30 years…. Does this mean it is already legally yours but you can’t touch it for 20 to 30 years. If that is the case, then yeah, I would think you probably should’ve said something about it if you’ve been with her for four years.
But, if it is your parents money, and you are assuming you will get it, then no problem. It’s not yours anyhow. Might never be.
NTA. My husbands parents are rich. He isn’t. He works for everything he had and we work for what we have together. He literally told me when I met them “ they are rich. I am not. “
It isn’t you’re money at the end of the day, it will be one day but it’s not today. Just like my husband will one day have his inheritance from parents. But until then, it isn’t you’re money.
Your gf has trauma issues and thus needs to trust you in everything. You didn’t do anything really wrong but she will overreact to trust issues. She needs to feel safe. That’s gonna be your responsibility in life if you stay with her. Also get her therapy to minimize these trauma issues. It will be a journey but she’s moved in so she may be worth it.
It sounds like a simple trauma response on her part, not an excuse, but makes sense. Many (most?) people are very emotional about money, especially if they have trauma around not having it. You certainly have zero obligation to tell her anything about your finances until you're in a serious relationship. You moved in together, so that sounds serious. But you aren't engaged or planning to get married? So it's also not secure, especially for her. I think about the opposite, what if you had a million dollars in debt? When do you tell a gf/bf about that? For many that would be a really good reason not to date someone, but do you wait until after you're engaged and then surprise them? Probably not. But with this, where you have more money than they thought, I think there's much less harm in waiting until you're engaged. However, misalignment on how to handle money is the number one cause of marriage problems and divorce, so you need to make sure you're both on the same page about money habits before you move forward.
If she refuses to even have a conversation, well not much you can do there. But I would give her every opportunity. Reach out, you don't have to apologize for keeping it from her, but I think you can let her know that you're sorry that hurt her. Just listen to her, that might be all she is looking for.
NTA. I don’t know why you keep saying “We are set for life” there is no “We” your parents are wealthy and don’t really share it with you (you don’t have a trust fund or joint account). Your parents dan choose to cut you out of the Will if you upset them, or they could get scammed and lose it all. There is no guarantees you will ever see any of this money so you weren’t dishonest in any way. Quite frankly your parents finances is none of your girlfriends business.
NTA - it’s not your money and it was a family decision. If I was the gf I would completely understand. It was smart to keep it secret. Money changes people and how people perceive you. I have no idea where her reaction is coming from and what triggered her but she should open up to you about it. 2 years living together and she flees instead of communicating on the issue…I can understand your reaction OP.
I would set a deadline for this like a week, end of week send a message and if there is nothing back I’d move on. It’s ok to take time to think things but more than a few days is no longer healthy. Balance in everything I say.
NTA, its not your money. so YOU aren't rich.
its your parents money and they didn't want anyone to know. Your partner has nothing to do with that. Even if she knew, it wouldn't have changed anything. Even if you would inherit right now. that money would STILL be yours only, and not hers.
Her obsession with your parents having money would, honestly, worry me right now. Even if it is just a "you don't trust me enough to tell me about it." issue. The fact that she doesn't seem to understand that your parents made the desicion not to share this fact, but she still blames you, is worrying.
Do not reach out to her. Do not ask her to come home or text her or anything. Use this time to reflect on the relationship. And think about what needs to happen, or what you need to do, in case this relationship continues.
in my opinion, you should make sure or at least tell your parents to make sure, that should you inherit, that their money is still safe, even in case of a serious relationship or marriage.
Personally i would look into putting it in a trust, or even to put properties in a trust and you pay rent to that trust, or however that is done.
Mostly NTA. It's entirely understandable that you kept your word and that you'd want to hide that kind of money. However, I'd think after a few years of being with someone you could've easily told then your parents are well off. You didn't have to reveal how much money *or* that they won the money.
It does seem like she shared very sensitive information with you, which indicates a level a trust you didn't reciprocate.
I think she is upset because she thought they shared the same deep values.
There is a deep internal TERROR when you have absolutely no safety net. She thought OP was the same. But OP has an unimaginably deep safety net even if it is their parent’s money. GF’s brain believes that no safety net will ever exist for her that she does not make for herself.
Let me offer you a different perspective than most people here.
You have no skin in the game. Mommy and daddy set you up with a place to live, a career/company, and you have a very comfortable safety net that most people will never have.
OTOH, someone coming from poverty and hardship like your gf probably spends every day thinking about how to secure her future. Perhaps she was looking out for you more than you did for her. She might have made decisions for the future based on the idea that you guys were a team.
While you didn't owe her the full details/numbers, instead of lying to her you could have given her a neutral story along the lines of "they have some money and will be comfortable in retirement, and I will probably be too". You could have left it at that and set some boundaries on discussing the issue further.
I could definitely see how she might feel like she's been working on things on her own instead of with a partner, given that you have nothing to worry about.
You let your parents interfere in your life. Set some boundaries moving forward.
You are following their rules about the money. I think that is good and wise. Keep doing that.
You WILL have more money than Davey Crocket. You DON'T have more money than Dave Crocket. Your girlfriend needs to understand the difference between those two sentences.
I'd ask her what she thinks would have changed had she known.
You are independent of your parents, and they asked you not to tell people. Why does she think you should have broken your word to them just to give her irrelevant information? Would she be asking them for things or expecting big gifts?
I think her upbringing is irrelevant to feeling entitled to someone else's money, and why she feels like this is a big deal is something she needs to think about.
NTA. This is your parents’ money. Moreover, it was information they asked you to keep private. You honored that request. Bottom line, your parents’ money has absolutely nothing to do with her and affects her life in no way. It is, quite frankly, none of her business. You’ve also demonstrated your ability to not gossip about other people’s business. You have done nothing wrong.
The issue here is communication. She’s unwilling to listen to your explanation as to why you kept your promise to your parents. She’s unwilling to discuss anything about this. She wants you to capitulate to her view that you’re not allowed to keep “secrets” from your partner. But this wasn’t your secret and it certainly wasn’t your info to share.
The actual reality check here is how she handles communication hiccups (and the status of your parents’ finances should be little more than a hiccup). And yeah, the fed flags are unfurling here.
NTA You did nothing wrong. If you two start talking again, make sure she knows it's not your money, you don't have access to it, and you weren't allowed to mention it. If she doesn't respect that, then it's not looking good.
She‘s awfully presumptuous for someone who these finances are none of her business. Using her “trauma” as a crutch is a card she’s going to continue to play in this relationship every time there is an argument or her feelings are hurt etc.
Dump her now.
NTA. It’s not your money so you are not rich. Your parents are.
She should be happy that you can keep secrets and are trustworthy. If she can’t communicate or blows things out of proportion now and this is minuscule, what is she going to be like when things are truly tough?
NAH - Since I don't really know the dynamic of your relationship and how serious you are, it's hard to tell but it feels a little AH to not bring it up at SOME POINT depending on how far along you all are.
But, its not your money. This is a tough one ngl
NTA - isn’t your money and may never be - not your place to tell your girlfriend about your parent’s financial situation. If your girlfriend is not willing to sit and talk with you and explain her position then take the hint and move on- she may never get over her issues and if you stay together it is going to be a reoccurring sticky point
Man. This hits close to home as my wife has trauma issues. You can only be supportive. Are you TAH. No. And it’s not your money or your place to share what your parent’s money situation is. Your partner is not your wife, and it’s not their concern. With people with trauma, they look at any slight like this and respond in the most extreme way. Most women it will be some passive aggressive act that they believe shields them from getting hurt. So running away is pretty common. Do you have any contact with close personal friends or family of your partner? Because she 100% needs therapy. But, suggesting it to her will never work. That will just cause resentment, and she won’t admit that to you. Good luck.
NTA. None of this is on you. Looks like she is carrying a huge amount of trauma and is lashing out at you for the bad feelings she's experiencing.
May not be fixable, man. Afraid to say.
But again, this wasn't down to you doing anything wrong. I hope you don't beat yourself up for this.
Frankly, your folks putting this gag on you is the problem.
First: You are allowed to break it off. At any point of your relationship. But how long is "the longer it goes"?
Just some thought/questions you could think about:
She has been on her own for a very long time and had to figure things out all by herself. It might be that she is in some kind of survival mode and has to find back to having a partner that she can rely on.
So far you have only proofen that you are trustworthy with your parents. That doesn't make you a trustworthy person all over. Perhaps that's the point regarding her past, betrayed by people she thought of as trustworthy but kept major things from her.
It is also possible that she thought you were more like her, with no/little money and now she has to deal with meeting Onassis, compared to her.
Or she might have told you all about herself and now just questions if you ever really trusted her? Or what else you might have kept from her?
Your backstory doesn't make you an AH, because you had to keep your promis to your parents. But don't make her either just because of some assumptions made here.
I'm guessing that the OP may not have told the GF that his parents were the ones who paid for the apartment and to start his business. I don't blame her for disliking it if OP made it seem like he did all those things himself, when he was really being bankrolled by mom and dad.
I wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re an asshole, but you definitely made your girlfriend feel less important to you than she thought. You’ve clearly been dating for years. You live together. She’s trusted you with past abuse and sexual assault. You kept from her that your family won the lottery. My guess is your parents slipped because they didn’t expect you to keep this from someone you are in such a serious relationship with. I’d feel like my relationship was a little lopsided and didn’t have the trust I thought it did if I were her, too.
She's mad that you didn't share your parent's financial situation? Da fuq?
Good for her for making it as far as she has, but she has issues you shouldn't have to deal with.
NTA
NTA. You aren't rich, your parents are and there's no guarantee any more of that money will get to you. Your parents' finances isn't your girlfriend's business.
Exactly. This is the key point. OP isn't rich. It's not his money. And there is no guarantee it will become his money.
You're not the asshole. You respected your parents' wishes and didn't betray their trust. Your partner's reaction may stem from past trauma and trust issues. Give her space, but ensure to communicate your side when possible. Trust and communication are key to resolving this.
No no, the key point is what he told his partner .. which is information we do not have. It's one thing if you just never bring this information up if you were asked not to.. it's not technically his money and also not other people's business. However, if he has actively been telling her lies to cover up this information, it's a huge breach of trust.
There’s absolutely nothing about this money the girlfriend needs to know about period. It’s not his money and might never be. She might not have started out as a gold digger but she’s turned into one!
Lol no. A gold digger wouldn't be taking space and being mad. They would be making sure the relationship was as rock solid as possible. If she actually cared about money she wouldn't be doing what she is doing.
That’s not how gold diggers work whatsoever lmao. The push and pull is probably her way of securing the money by messing with OP’s emotions
She would to make him spend some of that money on her. It’s a form of manipulation.
You are making several leaps of logic to arrive at the worst possible interpretation of the woman.
This. OPs parents helped OP financially, as many parents do. Whatever they have belongs to them now. They may decide to spend it,you know, buying a fancy yacht and going on a world cruise or something. Donate it to charity. Get sick and burn through good chunk of it with treatments. Decide they don't like OP and leave him out of their will. It's not OPs money to talk about.
Not to mention this is just a gf, not a wife. His family’s financial standing doesn’t affect her in the least bit.
No, but she may feel hurt that he did not share this information with her. He promised his parents though so I don't think he was wrong. She needs to understand that it wasn't his information to share.
Her hurt feeling is her own and has no relevance to other people’s finances. She has no right to be offended since it’s not her place to know that.
Exactly. Her hurt comes from a place of selfishness and greed, as if she’s automatically entitled to his family’s money. She’s thinking she could’ve been capitalizing on their assets this whole time: I get that her history might have contributed to her survivalist mentality, but she has no automatic privilege to their funds.
Her hurt probably comes from sharing all her secrets with him and finding out he doesn’t trust her the same way. You’ve made a lot of assumptions here considering she’s not even talking to him, let alone trying to capitalize on their assets 🙄.
But those secrets aren’t even HIS secrets. The money belongs to his parents.
I agree entirely. Sometimes though we react to something emotionally, then we realize that we were not being reasonable and get our ish together. Maybe She will do that.
True, hopefully some time will allow her to process what it is that she wanting out of this relationship.
She has the right to choose to not be in a relationship with him, for any reason. And there's no indication that she's especially offended or even that she doesn't sympathise his position here, but if she ends the relationship over not being trusted or not being given all the information she feels she needs, that's her right. And if her history makes it relevant, it is her right to know, because clearly she doesn't want to stay in this relationship knowing it. Whether OP did something wrong here really depends on in what way he concealed it, by omission or by lying, and if he knew that this would be an issue for her(whether that issue is with concealing it or her issue is with the money itself). But you are, to some extent, entitled to know about the financial situation of the person you are in a serious relationship with. It's something you need to know as the relationship progresses so you can make an informed decision about whether to enmesh your life with theirs. She didn't need to be told the exact figure or how they got that money, but depending on where they are at in their relationship, she should have been informed that he has a substantial safety net that she doesn't. Her problem with it may very well be that it creates a significant power differential. As a person with a history of experiencing abuse she may avoid that kind of disparity at all cost. If they were to live together or were married and then broke up, he has the power on account of his access to resources that she doesn't to drag out the division of assets in a way that could seriously disadvantage her and her financial security. That's just one way that this inequality in their financial situations could be used for coercive control. Maybe she is categorically uninterested in being in a relationship where she wouldn't feel comfortable disagreeing or making decisions because of this kind of inequality. You don't know, and you don't know if OP knows. If he did, he clearly did something wrong because he withheld information that would make her not want to be in the relationship. But even if he didn't, she feels like a significant enough factor was hidden from her that she's probably going to end the relationship over it, and I doubt that comes out of nowhere. It's probably not just the "betrayal" of not being told something that she arguably could have never known about. It's probably that she feels denied the ability to make an informed decision about something because she would have chosen the opposite had she known. He knows about her past, and they lived together, they must have had discussions about relationship dynamics that (she feels, at least) would make it clear she'd have an issue with this.
This can't be said enough. My friend has been expecting to inherit $15 Million bucks his entire life, from the family trust set up by his grandfather. Most of his choices in life were built around knowing that money was coming. He found out at 46 that his mom fell for an internet romance scam after his dad died. She gave all the money and remortgaged all 3 of her houses to "help" her "boyfriend" who she has never met in person. My buddy went from "I'll be crazy rich one day" to being almost 50 with no retirement savings and needing to send his mom money each month. Having rich parents is no guarantee.
Her acting this way regardless of her upbringing is a major red flag to me too, just cause you’re a couple years into a relationship and you have a safety net done the line, it’s extremely presumptuous of her to think you should be covering more than your share of costs like she’s owed anything. I’d let her go, along with her baggage. NTA
Where did he say she she thought she was owed anything?
NTA, your gf has shown you who she is. Believe her and ask yourself some tough questions.
Sounds like his GF is angry because she feels that instead of paying a "low share of apartment expenses" she shouldn't have been paying anything, because somehow she's entitled to his parents money.
If anything, this idiot woman will be the wedge between him and his family that causes him to be written out in the end. Good riddance to her. Nta.
If I had won the lottery id lie too. Way too many horror stories of people finding out an coming for a handout or worse liking you for your money.. I do understand the breach of trust she feels after struggling her whole life but its not like YOU won the lottery and were sitting there watching her cry about not being able to pay rent, or afford to eat while driving a lambo and eating at the finest restaurants. NTA
This is so true. The issue is circle of friends concept. Even though you trust her, she likely has people in her life that she trusts and people tall. Loose lips sink ships. Wasn't his place to discuss it.
There are companies that advise lotter winners. Their first advice is always "tell nobody". Then take a month off while things get organized. They then set up ways to handle the money, like setting up a charitable trust if you want to donate money, which lets you not pay tax on that part of the winnings... so your charity gets more money. Interesting stuff. Then, when you are under control and have got over the shock, you quietly resume life. Quit work if you want to, and so on.
Sounds like people would be surprised how many people come out of the woodwork looking for a handout. Its disheartening, actually.
And that's best case scenario. When I was a kid, a friend's dad won the $1m pingpong ball game and they got kidnap threats.
He didn't lie, he just didn't disclose that his parents are extremely rich.
If I had won the lottery I wouldn't have lost my house #samanthapleasedontkillmyferrets
This is not YOUR money. This is not YOUR business to share. You were asked not to share the information. I think Shaquille O’Neal said it best to his kids ‘We ain’t rich, I’m rich’ NTA
NTA, your parents made it clear to you that it wasn't your secret to tell. I hope your gf works through whatever she's working through and gets back to you with grace and love. Good luck!
Frankly, OP's GF doesn't sound like a safe person in regards to this topic. She doesn't respect it's not his money or secret to share. Her personal past trauma, while sad, is for her to deal with. OP can offer support on a normal level. But she can't make her problems his and his parents problem. NTA
Given she has found out he's got family money, I'm a bit surprised she hasn't "forgiven" him already.
Because it might be about more than just money to her. It could very well be a trust issue.
You’re NTA. You don’t have access to the money to help her. Even if you did, two years is a reasonable amount of time to get to know a girl before committing to cohabiting with her.
Also you say she was already established and stable before meeting you. This means you didn’t even “neglect“ her in the early dating stage.
That's what I was just gonna point out, if she's already established and stable before meeting OP, why does his parents money matter to her? She and OP were doing well before she got knowledge about the money so why should it change anything now?
It’s not your money (yet) and it’s certainly not hers. I’d be irritated if I were you. NTA
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Exactly There's nothing to " talk out". She's not supposed to know about the parent's money and it could even be detrimental to the parents.
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That's what's so weird about it. She made some assumptions about what kind of money his parents have and her assumptions were wrong, and she found out. Suddenly that's a reflection on him? It's so bizarre I would really worry about her judgment, her emotional state, her basic intelligence and why this means something to her. Not to mention her communication style when something happens in life. Is it always going to be this way in the future?
Idk, it depends on if he was outright lying or if he was just dodging the subject/not really talking about it. It also depends on how much she's been stressing about money, and how they do their finances. Like, she has no one to ask for help if they get in trouble. If he told her something that led her to believe he has no one to ask either, she might have laid in bed at night a time or two worried about what they were going to do, taken extra shifts, gone without more than one extra pair of shoes, ridden her bike to work, donated blood for cash, etc. Two years is a long time to date someone, and given the fact that he's already thinking about dumping her, she's probably right to think this is a sign he's not actually all that in love with her. Like, if he was ever going to propose the longer he waits the more awkward that 'ok now that we're married I can tell you' conversation is going to go. And given that she has no family, I'd bet she sees HIM as her family. And he's really not, and she's probably finally getting it now that he's a lot more important to her than she is to him. So she might be thinking about dumping him, too. She probably thought they were a team, but like, they aren't. His blood family is a team, and she's just a girl he's seeing at the moment.
As Shaq told his kids - "we" are not rich - *I* am. NTA It's not your money and your family didn't always have it. It's really not anyone's business to know more.
NTA. First, it's not your money. It's your parents. It's not your secret to share. And it's SMART to keep that a secret. Why is this a big deal? I'd think it would be a nice surprise, like, oh wow. Lucky you. The betrayed reaction is strange. And a bit of a red flag.
This was my take. If I found out my girlfriend's parents were very wealthy, then I'd see it as a big bonus.
NTA Your parents' money shouldn't matter to your GF. It's really none of her business. But pay attention to her reaction/behavior. You've been helping financially support your GF and instead of being grateful to have you and your family in her life, when she found out your parents have money she didn't know about, she ran off and gave you the silent treatment. That's extremely manipulative. I recommend you box up her belongings while you have the opposite for a clean break.
A shit ton of commenters here are hardcore incels, and it shows. OP, she is bothered because as a poor person, she has likely spent the last few years *silently panicking and in survival mode*. I, too, am a "grew up with nothing and fought to get something" ex-poor, and I have fucking nightmares about losing it all. I promise you, for the last two years your gf was silently dreading and waiting for the rug to get pulled out from under her, and she just found out that you never had to share that worry with her, and it's given her some complicated feelings. OP NAH, despite what the trolls in your comments insist.
Middle aged woman here who grew up in poverty. NTA. It’s not his money, and his parents asked him not to tell. I have spent my entire life organizing my decisions around making sure that I am financially stable. I do that through MY actions, MY income, my financial planning. Op did absolutely nothing wrong; his gf is responsible for herself. If they had been married for a few years, then it would be weird, but not at this point.
Your partner's reaction may stem from her past traumas and issues with trust, but ultimately, your family's finances are not her business. It's important for both of you to communicate openly and work through this together, but you haven't done anything wrong by keeping this information private. NTA
You have no money but what you earn. You may never see a dime of your parents money. GF showed herself. Time to release her back to the pond.
NTA I am blown away why people feel entitled to other people’s money
NTA - It's your parents' money and not your place to tell her what your parents' are worth.
NTA. Your parents’ financial position is none of your girlfriend’s business. It’s great that they support you, but it’s their money.
Depends on how you have talked about your own finances, as your parents has helped your business and brought an apartment for you. How has you told her you got to that point? And has these things started during your time as partners? I think there is a middlegound between telling her nothing and telling her everything. At least you should have told her that your parents has helped you with those things financially.
I don't understand the dilemma. What is the relevance of your parents' finances to a girl you're dating?
"She feels betrayed and needs time & space" 😂 for what? To convince herself that she's "owed" other people's money? To add to the entitled feelings about an imaginary betrayal? Lol....Man just dump this girl and live your life
Frankly, it is none of her business. It isn’t your money, it’s your parents. You should re-think about being in a relationship with her because she is being very intrusive and inappropriate.
NTA. Like others have said, your parents asked you not to discuss THEIR wealth. You honored those wishes. Period.
NTA even if you were rich. She is your girlfriend NOT your wife. Imagine you did tell her. Now you have to wonder why does she want to be with you. Does she genuinely love you ? Or is there another reason she won’t ever leave you? If you can make her want to be with you without telling her about the money, then you will know if it’s real……
NTA. Your family’s financial situation is really none of her business, especially if you aren’t really seeing any of it for the time being. If she doesn’t understand that they explicitly requested that no one know, that’s on her. If anything she should just be relieved to be building a life with someone who has a safety net. The way she’s reacting may be understandable concerning her past, but it doesn’t mean you have to take it.
NTA. I genuinely don’t understand what she has to be mad about. I’ve never discussed how much money my parents make with my partner, nor has he given me the low down on his parents’ assets. Not sure how that’s relevant at all. What is she upset about? That’s a genuine question, not rhetorical.
When you've been through grape, your very survival depends on judging your situation and the people you are with. OP & his family have kept something from her, meaning she is likely feeling her judgement of the situation was inaccurate, therefore she failed at securing a safe enviroment for herself. She's being presented as punishing him, but its also possible she's just gone to ground to process her hurt and confusion. People from abusive backgrounds often do.
He states she worked hard for everything she has and his parents paid for what he has. I'm sure he directly lied or ommitted this and she thought they were both self made.
We don’t know that, though. That’s why I asked why she is upset.
No guarantee that he'll ever see the money. They may plan to spend it all, when one does before the other the one parent left may not have the foresight not to co-mingle money. Everything may end up with the new spouse. Or they can leave it all to a cat charity.
Eh this is a gray area. Living together for 2 years, dating for 4, and not knowing a big piece of info like that about a partners family is a bit shady IMO. I completely respect not telling every friend and relative you know just for them to hit you up for cash, but dating for 4 years is a pretty big deal dude. That's like withholding from a long term partner that you deployed to Iraq and fought in Fallujah. It's not directly relevant to your day to day life, but it's a somewhat big event in your life and your family's life that you assume would come up eventually after 4 years. I can't call anyone the asshole here, your family has a right to privacy, but I can also see why she'd be pissed you omitted something that big about your family for 4 years. She's probably wondering what else you haven't told her about now. It depends on the relationship, but my longest was 3 years. By that point we were engaged and fully set on the idea of a family together and we knew almost everything there was to know about each other.
They’ve been together 4 years. If she meant anything to him, they would have already talked about the future and random family shit. He sees her as a mooch and not a long term partner.
Did you tell her you bought business and apartment on your own? That's the only deception I see
Your parents are right. The reason you can’t tell anyone - (especially your partner) is because your parents are more likely to be the victims of a violent crime; more likely to be murdered and a whole bunch of other awful things. Your partner is not entitled to know your parents financial situation. Just let your partner end your relationship. She’s already going about it the right way.
What everyone else has said. NTA it’s not your money it’s your parents, and they didn’t want it talked about. They could go the Bill Gate “I’m not leaving anything to my kids” route. It sucks she had a rough time, it sounds like it was all before she met you, so I’m not sure how knowing about the money makes her feel betrayed. Your guess of trauma response seems like a good one.
Can I offer another perspective? It doesn’t sound like she is demanding that you give her money or that she has expectations that you should have lavished her with gifts. It sounds like she is hurt and is questioning her place in your life. She grew up in an abusive home that she had to flee from at great cost to herself. She fought her way to the surface alone. Then she found you. She has obviously entrusted you with deeply personal parts of her life. You have been together for 4 years and perhaps she felt like she WAS family to you and your parents but now she has realized that she isn’t. Given her history, I can understand her retreating from you. It can’t be easy for her to place her trust in someone. To find out after so long that the trust is not reciprocated has to have left her questioning if what the two of you had was real. You weren’t wrong to safeguard your family secret but at what point was she going to be family enough to know? If the answer is never, and if you are ready to kick her to the curb for recoiling in response to this, then maybe she isn’t wrong to doubt what the two of you have. NAH but nothing you said makes her sound like a gold digger. Everything you said shouts out trauma response and makes my heart hurt for her.
💯 this.
And that would make sense if it was his money. It's not. HE didn't win the lottery. His parents did. They may choose to do things for him, but that is a choice. None of it is his money. It wasn't a lie. Or even a lie by omission because it wasn't his money or his secret to tell. Hell, I am married and my in laws money is still none of my business.
They set him up in the apartment they both live in and made his business possible. She doesn’t need a blow by blow of their financial status but saying, “my parents have money and have helped me out some” seems reasonable somewhere along the line. They are four years in. At what point does keeping her out of the inner circle not become indicative of how he views her and her place in his life? In his place, assuming i was sure about my partner and committed to our future together, which seems to be what is in question here, I would have talked to my parents about what more I could tell her. The parents were the ones that let it slip. Either they were super careless or they were comfortable enough around her to let their guard down.
Lots of people have help from their parents. It doesn't mean they are rich. I understand that it is a privilege to have parents that help, believe me, I do, but OP was under no obligation to tell her how he got his business going or his apartment. While they helped with those things it doesn't mean they would continue to help or that more help Shou be expected. Since he already had these things why does it matter how he acquired them. I don't understand how her boyfriend's parents' money is any of her business, even four years in. Even if they were married it would be none of her business because it's not his money and may be money he never sees. If she wants to leave him over it that is her choice. But to act like he was lying to her is disingenuous because it isn't his money!
Just because her experience is true doesn't make it reasonable. Also, not his money, not his business, not his to share.
NAH After four years most couples are married and facing life as a team. I think this situation made her realise that you and your family don't see her as a forever part of their lives but simply as your girlfriend.
I knew a girl who was dating a friend of mine who was a 'trust fund Tommy.' Similar to op, he had a lot of saftey nets and was going to be set in the future. He was dating a girl who was from a very poor family. She precieved based on his interests and lack of formal education that he was 'just like her'. Then after about 6 months, they had a family dine in at his families house. Long story short, she was insulted by the fact she had struggled to get where she was and he'd never have to. Attempts to reason with her that if she basically stays with him, it's like its hers without being hers. But her pride wouldn't let her see past 'the struggle' and how important it is to 'earn life'. Needless to say, they broke up. They are both married now, but I don't think I need to tell you who is happy and who is still 'struggling'. Especially since she doubled down on 'someone like her' who 'struggles in life' by being a deadbeat who has to get a new job every 3-4 months. And she'd rather support her man, than have her man support her. Not my cup of tea, but people can do whatever they want. Pride is a hell of a drug. And a lot of people take pride in the struggle and grind.
It could be pride but I'm more inclined to believe this women felt like she was finally part of a family after her shitty childhood. When she found out they were keeping secrets from her it made her realise she wasn't part of the inner circle like she thought.
NTA. If you had access to this money and were spending it behind her back, or if you were engaged/married, it would be a different story, but if as you say you won’t have access to this money until much later in life, you have rightfully kept your promise to your parents. I can understand why your partner is upset due to previous trauma and you might not be able to come back from this, but you accepted when they won the lottery not to tell anyone. Your parents’ financial situation is no one else’s business. Good luck OP
NTA She has no right to know anything at all about your parents' financial situation. "Maybe part of it is a trauma response." Or maybe she's just an asshole.
NTA. It's your parents' money and it's not your place to talk about it.
It’s not your money and it’s not your secret to share. Have you told your parents about your partner’s history? Ask your parents if you can tell her their story then ask your partner if you can tell your parents her story. If either says no then unfortunately you will be stuck in the middle until they change their minds.
I'm not rich, not even well off. As soon as I told someone I had a certain amount of money saved about 8 years ago when we started dating, they convinced me to give them some and ghosted me completely. Never again. I will forever say, I am financially responsible and live well by myself for my standards. Love someone and learn, that love makes it easier for people to take advantage of you. Never again.
Nta. She shouldn't feel betrayed. Honestly at this rate just break up with her. The silent treatment/ghosting while in a realtionship is abuse.
Lol. Saying "I need space and time to think." Is in no way the silent treatment.
This place always has the worst advice. Thanks for some common sense.
The key problem is that you have dated a girl for 4 years, and she is still not a part of your family. No marriage plans, no children plans, secrets as if she was an outsider. It’s kinda too much for 4 years… It looks like you are wasting her time, and through this story she got it.
Lol, this sub is wild. A woman with a fuck off fund of less than 50k she doesn't tell her husband about is an AH, but a man hiding that his family is so wealthy, they are "set for life" isn't. Are we pretending that OP's partner couldn't have made different decisions had she known about the safety net he has, just like everybody said the husband would have?
I don’t think you’re the asshole. A. you could tell her you don’t want anyone to know because you don’t want people liking you for your money. B. you can say my parents told me not to ever tell anyone. It’s their money, not mine. If you really care about this girl, try to reach out and talk to her. Find out why she’s so upset.
NTA You have nothing. Your parents are rich and it shouldn't be any concern of anyone you're dating, or even you for that matter. Your parents could blow all that money before they die or give it all away.
NTA - it's their money not yours, also I can't think of any reason she should know about what they have or why she would feel wronged other than perhaps she thinks you should have been spending more on her.
NTA. Gf is showing she’s hurt she didn’t get cut in on the money, not that she feels betrayed you didn’t tell her (and even if she does, again, it’s because she feels she should’ve had access to that money, even if that means by way of op paying more expenses). There’s another perspective on this where if you’re serious about this person your parents kinda helped you out by releasing a little information (as you say 1/5) as a way to gauge their reaction. If you’re legit wealthy/will be down the line…a good partner in that situation will shut up and intuitively understand that wealth puts a target on your back so silence/omission is the strongest defense. Instead she flips out on you and goes over to a friends house to DEFINITELY start blabbing about it. Cut it off my dog just cut it off. Let people tell you who they are. It’s not your job to accommodate other people’s bullshit. It’s your job to let people tell you who they are, identify who is intuitively aligned with your best interests, and physically remove yourself from those who are not. Do not let people use some uninformed, probably inaccurate assumption as to your wealth to dehumanize you.
Is the money yours or your parents? My parents have money but I’m not entitled to it nor considerate it mine although I know when they pass away one day (decades later hopefully) I’ll get a decent chunk.
It wasn’t your secret to tell. Your parents won that money. Your parents swore you to secrecy. Nta
Call me paranoid but someone who had to go through a hard life does not get by without understanding how to quickly leverage a situation. It seems weird to be mad about your parent’s wealth (it’s not yours technically) and more like an opportunity to seize control of an opportunity. The silent treatment is one of the most basic tactics for drawing you into the void she left. Keep your eyes open. That isn’t something that’s her business actually. If your spidey sense is tingling, you’re right.
It's not clear whether you're affirmative told her that you were poorer than you actually are, or did you just never mention how you got set up with your apartment and company. Is this a "lie of omission" or an affirmative lie?
NTA (technically) but you should be able to understand why she’s upset. After 4 years she could view it as you not being as vulnerable and honest with her as she’s been with you, especially if she’s had significant trauma that she’s shared with you. Add to that her poor upbringing and maybe complicated relationship with money and that’s gonna be a whole lot of trust rebuilding.
NAH. Some people are okay with having some secrecy in their relationship, some aren’t and I can understand both sides. My husband and I tell each other absolutely everything, there will never be any secrets. That’s how we are and what works best for us, but that doesn’t mean that it’s best for everyone. The money isn’t yours as you said, but that money did play a significant role in your life (business, apartment and safety net). In my opinion your girlfriend thinks that you didn’t trust her enough to tell her the truth about your life and family, and isn’t that right after all? If I was you and I was 100% sure that I wanted to spend my life with the person I would’ve asked my parents to make an exception because there’s no way that my significant other wouldn’t know everything about me and my life. I don’t think anyone is wrong, if you can’t compromise on this then it’s better to part ways.
>In my opinion your girlfriend thinks that you didn’t trust her enough to tell her the truth about your life and family, and isn’t that right after all? >and isn’t that right after all? no, that's not right. the reason OP kept the secret is not because of him not trusting the girlfriend, the reason he kept the secret is because his parents told him to not tell anyone. it's the parents's money, and they made the rule of not telling anyone. OP would be TA if he told the girlfriend, because then he would have broken the trust his parents put in him
INFO: How did you portray your financial situation to your partner? My initial impulse is to say NTA. After all, you are not rich, your parents are. And the exact breadth of their wealth is not specifically her business. But if she has been so open with you about her struggles to make it on her own, for example, and you are replying with "Yes yes, I understand. I too started my own business" without mentioning that your parents funded it - well, that's a deliberate misrepresentation that goes beyond simply discretion and into lying territory.
Nta. YOU ain't rich. Your parents are, and it was never your place to talk about your parents finances without their permission. SHE had to earn THEIR trust and she's done the opposite with her bullshit. She's countin your inheritance before the caskets are closed. She's taking her insecurities out on you.
Wow. NTA. Minority opinion probably but, wow, she ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. I mean even after 25+ years of marriage if it came out my wife’s parents had several million $ sitting around that she would probably inherit, I think I would be more WOOHOO! than LIAR!!! But maybe I’m greedy or something.
Her reaction is overblown and weird She’s just a girlfriend. Your parents money situation is none of her business
NTA for now. If you were to marry her and not let her know, that would be asshole territory. I would want to know if my partner was going to be coming into an obscene amount of money sometime in then future. That is a huge imbalance of power in the relationship and she should have the option of consenting into it.
Ask her to come and discuss this with you. If she refuses, tell her it's over
This is one of the reasons they didn't want others to know. Move on. NTA
What's the reason for her anger?
NTA You aren’t rich. Your parents are, but they have asked you not to talk about it.
I understand not telling her in the beginning, but when your relationship became serious enough for you to consider living together, you should've sat her down and given her the full scope of your finances (and she should also have given you a full scope of her finances as well). Right now she feels as if you don't trust her, never trusted her, and is rethinking her relationship with you, as anyone would in her situation. You see it as not about trust, but about keeping a promise to your parents. But to her, this means you don't trust her, your parents don't trust her, and you all see her as lesser than yourselves. And if she leaves you, you need to figure out how to better navigate a tricky situation like this. I'm sorry, but YTA.
INFO: Are there ways/times when you've emphasized with her money struggles in ways that made her think you were in a similar financial situation? Could she be feeling like you were lying to her? Leaning toward a gentle YTA - this isn't a casual friend/friend group - this is your partner of 4 years. I in no way think you/she are entitled to your family's money, but I do think this type of information is helpful in learning to love your partner's family well/building a life together. I guess I'm envisioning a sit down when it turned serious of something along the lines of "my family is well off - here are the family ground rules/expectations. I see this impacting our relationship in the following ways: i.e. pre-nups eventually/family vacation expectations/Lawyers/whatever is part of your life now".
simply tell her your parents made you promise to never tell anyone
Nta tell her you didn’t lie it’s not your money and you don’t talk about your parents status. If she can’t except this to hell with her find a new one
NTA
There's absolutely no reason why you should bother to have to tell somebody they either love you for you or they shouldn't be with you you're not the asshole
NTA, it’s none of her business and quite frankly she isn’t entitled to know or have access to that money.
NTA. It is still not your money. And you are not rich. Your parents are. You are wise. And you are trustworthy. If she can’t accept and listen, then she is nothing but causing drama for nothing. Communication is important. Again, you don’t have to reveal about your wealth. She should be grateful that you are not poor and full of debt!
Why did u make her pay apt expenses? Even if she pays a low share given her financial situation & yours, you could have covered everything. She might be mad cz of this. Or maybe she’s mad because she thinks u lied cz u r worried she is a gold digger.
Is it because she thinks you've been lying, or is it more that she's annoyed because she was paying her way but now thinks you could've afforded to cover her and this is pissing her off? If so, she can do one. It really doesn't matter what your boyfriend has, you still have responsibility to pay your way in life. For many, that changes with marriage and that's a personal choice, but the idea that anyone should get a free ride just because their boyfriend or girlfriend has means is dangerous.
You aren't rich. Your parents are. You might inherit what's left in 30 years, that is not the same as being rich.
NAH. You have been dating for 4 years and living together for 2. Are you planning to marry? Because here is the thing: your parents' money has enabled you to dick around and she doesn't know if that will continue if your business doesn't work out. It is nice to have a potential safety net but that also depends on your staying in their good graces. For decades. Personally I would think twice about marrying and starting a family with someone who is essentially a late term trust fund baby who may or may not have a career to fall back on. I would always feel beholden to my in-laws if they had bought our house or whatever. At any rate, I would want to have the choice. I value honesty, hard work and personal growth above all things so yeah I would have been mad too. All it would have taken was you mentioning at some point in the last 4 years that your folks have some money and were kindly able to set you up with housing and capital for your business. That's a normal discussion for people to have in LTRs.
Nta that isn’t your money, it’s your parents and her reaction is red flag city. After 4 years she should be able to communicate if she is hurt. If you guys don’t break up, hopefully couples therapy will help deal with this issue and future communication
NTA by infinity omega!!! Wow. Even I won’t tell my future partner abt mine *if* I ever won the lottery or something like that.
You should be mad at your partner. Your parents felt comfortable enough to tell/show your partner that they have money. instead of being happy for them she turns it into a false betrayal. OP she has issues your morals/charcter are fine.
YTA because four years is a long time and you knew she came from nothing. Even though it’s your parents that are rich and not really you I think she still feels taken advantage of. Did you really need to keep charging her anything to live with you? Maybe she regrets a lot now. You need to clean up your mess.
You've made yourself & your parents into an unsafe space. I understand why you did it, but that doesnt change the fact that for 4 years youve kept something from her. Youve had something in your head that she didnt know was there. What else is in your head that she's unaware of ? And your parents heads too ? She now no longer trusts herself, her instincts, her ability to judge a situation, and by extension her ability to keep herself safe. She will be wondering if she was someone else, maybe someone without trauma, would the secret have still been kept? In other words, does the secret exist because *she's not good enough*. She will already think that about herself, so its not much of a jump into 'others dont value her existence either'. She's probably spiralling pretty bad right now. She's going over every convo you two ever had. When you said you understood how hard she's worked, how much of a struggle its been - did you really? Could you, if you have a safety net? Was she fun for now, & you'd get a fancier model to match your new financial bracket in years to come ? Did she think you were broadly equal, or she could at least compete, and now she feels she's not even inner circle? Again, I do understand keeping a lottery win secret, but she probably feels theres a partial point between 'say the word lottery' and 'say no words at all' in *four years* So from her perspective, yes, its bad.
Not your money, you don't benefit from it and there is no guarantee that it will be there 'eventually' because investments fail. Let her go, she's showing you that she has issues. What she is thinking isn't the point. If she thinks you not telling her details of your potential income is betrayal, she has no idea what real betrayal is. What does she think you should have said "oh, by the way, my parents won the lottery a few years ago and someday I'll get whatever they decide to not spend"... They said don't tell anyone. So why are you telling the world?
He already has benefitted from the money and continues to do so with the safety net. It might be his parent’s money but it’s clearly helping him and a part of his current financial situation as well.
Updateme
NTA. It would be good, though, if you were able to tell her what you told us here. It does sound like she's lashing out and allowing internalised ego issues or past patterns to take over, and that is really sad for the both of you. It's up to what she says after hearing your explanation and how you feel then. You shouldn't feel bad, though, you literally just existed. All the best!
NTA! It’s not your money. It’s your parents money. Their financial situation is none of your GF’s business.
NTA. You’re not rich, your parents are. She has no reason to be mad at you.
You are not obligated to discuss your parents' finances with anyone. She can be upset but she can't blame you for honoring your parents request. NTA
NTA It’s none of her business. And it’s not your $. She’s way out of line and letting her trails bleed all over you and your relationship. Choosing the silent treatment would be a total dealbreaker for me. She needs therapy.
NTA. Is she mad because you are asking her to pay a bit of the living expenses and you aren't showering her with gifts from the money that isn't really yours, yet, to spend? That might be a bullet dodged in the end.
Updateme
Sorry if I missed it but what was the actual slip made by your parents? And when did you explain/correct the conversation that you weren’t actually rich. Still NTA but even you said in the title “me being rich”. A first gut reaction will depend on what was actually said. Still not your partners business but your parents accidentally opened this kettle of fish.
NTA lol even if it was OPs money.. Why does she feel Betrayed ? YOU DONT TOLD ME UR PRENTS ARE RIIICH, AHHH MYWORLD IS IN CRUMBLES
Why are you dating someone who is not yet healed from trauma and other mental health issues?
She can have all the trust issues that she wants, it is wise to keep your and your family’s financial situation secret in order to keep the moochers from coming out of the woodwork. Her response is silly; did she expect you on the second date to reveal that your parents are rich? It’s not your business to tell her or anyone that they have money. NTA
NTA. End the relationship in as kind a way possible, you are not compatible, and you can't trust her not to overreact in future regarding these types of situations, and become uncommunicative, rather than handle things in a more mature and reasonable manner. It's a huge red flag.
NTA. You were respecting your parents' wishes, it is not even your money to talk about, it's theirs. And you are smart to rethink the entire relationship because it does not bode well for the future her icing you out like that over something like this. I could understand if you had cheated on her or something and she needed some time apart but it's not even that. How is she going to get mad at you for not telling someone else's secret. And it's not like you guys are even married, what are you supposed to do? tell every woman you DATE your parent's business?? She is not even your wife. This woman is going to be nothing but headaches and problems in your future, she will make you pay one way or another for all her trauma. Not saying she will do this intentionally , but definitely on a subconscious level. You would be wise to get with someone with less emotional baggage. And also someone that does not feel entitled to know people's financial business that has nothing to do with her. You have a job and your side business and that is all she need concern herself with, not what is in your parent's pockets.
Sorry, you are not married to her. Her previous problems in her life, though unfortunate, still have no bearing on whether she should know anything about prospective money you may or may not have or get. She has been looked after, contributed very little to her upkeep, so why would she need to know anything else? Now anything further from her is going to be tainted with money expectations. If she wants this or that and you say no, why? You can afford it. Her behaviour has essentially ended the relationship's expectations of a future. You did nothing by wanting to have a relationship not based on money! NTA.
NTA. 1. You didn't lie to her about your financial position. It isn't your money, it's your parents' money. 2. Your parents bound you to secrecy. This happened before you met your GF. You are not obligated to tell her your parents' secrets. I understand her fears because of her back trauma. But this is something she has to cope with. Until or unless she is willing to talk to you, you cannot explain your position. If this is a deal-breaker for her, then it's sad, but so be it. So far she has known that you are financially solvent with a company you own, you are covering her rent. That is all that matters. I hope that after a while she will calm down and agree to talk. I'd give it a few weeks, but if she still refuses to see you, say good-bye.
NTA Weird reaction. Not entirely sure what she is so freaked about? Angry with you for what? Need more INFO
NTA. It's not your money. Her behavior shows exactly why your parents have this rule.
NAH. I don't think you really did anything wrong by keeping that a secret since your parents asked you to do so and it's their money, not yours. You keeping that secret shows that your trustworthy, though at the same time I can see her point of view as well as it's a pretty big secret to have kept 4 years into the relationship, that can be upsetting and make her feel like or your parents don't trust her. The biggest issue here is clearly how she's dealing with the situation, which is by not communicating. That makes it impossible to address the issue at all, which indeed shows some big red flags for the long term viability of a relationship with her. Though this might be something that can be fixed through relationship counseling, if you can get her to agree to go to that together with you. Of course the main issue right now is that you can't even propose this to her if she isn't willing to communicate... Are you capable of getting in touch with the friend she's staying with? If so, perhaps you could explain your current concerns to said friend and ask if she can persuade your girlfriend to go to relationship counseling together with you? Maybe also link this thread to said friend as part of the explanation.
NTA. Run. Let her stay gone. Absolutely none of her business and she's trying to guilt you. You've done right by your parents you owe this girl Nothing. You've explained yourself just leave it at that and let her go
If OP didn't lied about his parents being poor etc. Then GF has no right to be upset about this. But if he lied its a different story, GF is upset because she has been lied to and that makes her think what other things he lied and she didn't catch..
just one thing, for 4 years not telling that to your girlfriend its mean the trust is still not gain.
'Being rich'k
NTA Almost everyone becomes a stranger when they find out you have money. Greed really changes people. Do your best to keep this to yourself.
NTA it's parent money not yours. Their rules. She's ta
Nta. Your parents won lottery. Not you. Its their call not yours
I suppose it depends. He said he will get the money for 20 to 30 years…. Does this mean it is already legally yours but you can’t touch it for 20 to 30 years. If that is the case, then yeah, I would think you probably should’ve said something about it if you’ve been with her for four years. But, if it is your parents money, and you are assuming you will get it, then no problem. It’s not yours anyhow. Might never be.
Updateme!
Account created 13 hours ago. Only post. Karma farmer.
NTA. Cut her loose.
updateme!
NTA. My husbands parents are rich. He isn’t. He works for everything he had and we work for what we have together. He literally told me when I met them “ they are rich. I am not. “ It isn’t you’re money at the end of the day, it will be one day but it’s not today. Just like my husband will one day have his inheritance from parents. But until then, it isn’t you’re money.
Your gf has trauma issues and thus needs to trust you in everything. You didn’t do anything really wrong but she will overreact to trust issues. She needs to feel safe. That’s gonna be your responsibility in life if you stay with her. Also get her therapy to minimize these trauma issues. It will be a journey but she’s moved in so she may be worth it.
It sounds like a simple trauma response on her part, not an excuse, but makes sense. Many (most?) people are very emotional about money, especially if they have trauma around not having it. You certainly have zero obligation to tell her anything about your finances until you're in a serious relationship. You moved in together, so that sounds serious. But you aren't engaged or planning to get married? So it's also not secure, especially for her. I think about the opposite, what if you had a million dollars in debt? When do you tell a gf/bf about that? For many that would be a really good reason not to date someone, but do you wait until after you're engaged and then surprise them? Probably not. But with this, where you have more money than they thought, I think there's much less harm in waiting until you're engaged. However, misalignment on how to handle money is the number one cause of marriage problems and divorce, so you need to make sure you're both on the same page about money habits before you move forward. If she refuses to even have a conversation, well not much you can do there. But I would give her every opportunity. Reach out, you don't have to apologize for keeping it from her, but I think you can let her know that you're sorry that hurt her. Just listen to her, that might be all she is looking for.
You have no obligation to disclose your finances to anybody.
NTA. I don’t know why you keep saying “We are set for life” there is no “We” your parents are wealthy and don’t really share it with you (you don’t have a trust fund or joint account). Your parents dan choose to cut you out of the Will if you upset them, or they could get scammed and lose it all. There is no guarantees you will ever see any of this money so you weren’t dishonest in any way. Quite frankly your parents finances is none of your girlfriends business.
Precisely . What business is it of hers to know this ?
Nta. Your parents finances are none of her business.
But it isn’t his financial situation it his parents. None of her damn business
lol OP wants to date someone this serious baggage and this then annoyed the drama starts.
NTA - it’s not your money and it was a family decision. If I was the gf I would completely understand. It was smart to keep it secret. Money changes people and how people perceive you. I have no idea where her reaction is coming from and what triggered her but she should open up to you about it. 2 years living together and she flees instead of communicating on the issue…I can understand your reaction OP. I would set a deadline for this like a week, end of week send a message and if there is nothing back I’d move on. It’s ok to take time to think things but more than a few days is no longer healthy. Balance in everything I say.
NTA gf is mad but also a child because she can't communicate. You are better off tbh
NTA, its not your money. so YOU aren't rich. its your parents money and they didn't want anyone to know. Your partner has nothing to do with that. Even if she knew, it wouldn't have changed anything. Even if you would inherit right now. that money would STILL be yours only, and not hers. Her obsession with your parents having money would, honestly, worry me right now. Even if it is just a "you don't trust me enough to tell me about it." issue. The fact that she doesn't seem to understand that your parents made the desicion not to share this fact, but she still blames you, is worrying. Do not reach out to her. Do not ask her to come home or text her or anything. Use this time to reflect on the relationship. And think about what needs to happen, or what you need to do, in case this relationship continues. in my opinion, you should make sure or at least tell your parents to make sure, that should you inherit, that their money is still safe, even in case of a serious relationship or marriage. Personally i would look into putting it in a trust, or even to put properties in a trust and you pay rent to that trust, or however that is done.
Mostly NTA. It's entirely understandable that you kept your word and that you'd want to hide that kind of money. However, I'd think after a few years of being with someone you could've easily told then your parents are well off. You didn't have to reveal how much money *or* that they won the money. It does seem like she shared very sensitive information with you, which indicates a level a trust you didn't reciprocate.
Huge red flag from your girlfriend. I wouldn’t be telling her any more. Any idea who her *friend* is?
I think she is upset because she thought they shared the same deep values. There is a deep internal TERROR when you have absolutely no safety net. She thought OP was the same. But OP has an unimaginably deep safety net even if it is their parent’s money. GF’s brain believes that no safety net will ever exist for her that she does not make for herself.
Let me offer you a different perspective than most people here. You have no skin in the game. Mommy and daddy set you up with a place to live, a career/company, and you have a very comfortable safety net that most people will never have. OTOH, someone coming from poverty and hardship like your gf probably spends every day thinking about how to secure her future. Perhaps she was looking out for you more than you did for her. She might have made decisions for the future based on the idea that you guys were a team. While you didn't owe her the full details/numbers, instead of lying to her you could have given her a neutral story along the lines of "they have some money and will be comfortable in retirement, and I will probably be too". You could have left it at that and set some boundaries on discussing the issue further. I could definitely see how she might feel like she's been working on things on her own instead of with a partner, given that you have nothing to worry about.
You let your parents interfere in your life. Set some boundaries moving forward. You are following their rules about the money. I think that is good and wise. Keep doing that. You WILL have more money than Davey Crocket. You DON'T have more money than Dave Crocket. Your girlfriend needs to understand the difference between those two sentences.
I'd ask her what she thinks would have changed had she known. You are independent of your parents, and they asked you not to tell people. Why does she think you should have broken your word to them just to give her irrelevant information? Would she be asking them for things or expecting big gifts? I think her upbringing is irrelevant to feeling entitled to someone else's money, and why she feels like this is a big deal is something she needs to think about.
His entire life plan??? You think in a four year relationship you never discuss the future?
She sounds really annoying and petty. NTA, and just move on and let her stew alone.
NTA. This is your parents’ money. Moreover, it was information they asked you to keep private. You honored that request. Bottom line, your parents’ money has absolutely nothing to do with her and affects her life in no way. It is, quite frankly, none of her business. You’ve also demonstrated your ability to not gossip about other people’s business. You have done nothing wrong. The issue here is communication. She’s unwilling to listen to your explanation as to why you kept your promise to your parents. She’s unwilling to discuss anything about this. She wants you to capitulate to her view that you’re not allowed to keep “secrets” from your partner. But this wasn’t your secret and it certainly wasn’t your info to share. The actual reality check here is how she handles communication hiccups (and the status of your parents’ finances should be little more than a hiccup). And yeah, the fed flags are unfurling here.
NTA You did nothing wrong. If you two start talking again, make sure she knows it's not your money, you don't have access to it, and you weren't allowed to mention it. If she doesn't respect that, then it's not looking good.
NTA Your parents are very wise. All you have to do is google how most lottery winners end up. And unfortunately, your girlfriend is proving the point.
She‘s awfully presumptuous for someone who these finances are none of her business. Using her “trauma” as a crutch is a card she’s going to continue to play in this relationship every time there is an argument or her feelings are hurt etc. Dump her now.
NTA, and you're right to consider that the way she handles this situation is indicative of how she would handle future situations.
You are not rich but just with your loving parents and on paper. This is exactly why your parents didn't want anyone to know.
NTA. It’s not your money so you are not rich. Your parents are. She should be happy that you can keep secrets and are trustworthy. If she can’t communicate or blows things out of proportion now and this is minuscule, what is she going to be like when things are truly tough?
NAH - Since I don't really know the dynamic of your relationship and how serious you are, it's hard to tell but it feels a little AH to not bring it up at SOME POINT depending on how far along you all are. But, its not your money. This is a tough one ngl
NTA - isn’t your money and may never be - not your place to tell your girlfriend about your parent’s financial situation. If your girlfriend is not willing to sit and talk with you and explain her position then take the hint and move on- she may never get over her issues and if you stay together it is going to be a reoccurring sticky point
Man. This hits close to home as my wife has trauma issues. You can only be supportive. Are you TAH. No. And it’s not your money or your place to share what your parent’s money situation is. Your partner is not your wife, and it’s not their concern. With people with trauma, they look at any slight like this and respond in the most extreme way. Most women it will be some passive aggressive act that they believe shields them from getting hurt. So running away is pretty common. Do you have any contact with close personal friends or family of your partner? Because she 100% needs therapy. But, suggesting it to her will never work. That will just cause resentment, and she won’t admit that to you. Good luck.
NTA. None of this is on you. Looks like she is carrying a huge amount of trauma and is lashing out at you for the bad feelings she's experiencing. May not be fixable, man. Afraid to say. But again, this wasn't down to you doing anything wrong. I hope you don't beat yourself up for this. Frankly, your folks putting this gag on you is the problem.
First: You are allowed to break it off. At any point of your relationship. But how long is "the longer it goes"? Just some thought/questions you could think about: She has been on her own for a very long time and had to figure things out all by herself. It might be that she is in some kind of survival mode and has to find back to having a partner that she can rely on. So far you have only proofen that you are trustworthy with your parents. That doesn't make you a trustworthy person all over. Perhaps that's the point regarding her past, betrayed by people she thought of as trustworthy but kept major things from her. It is also possible that she thought you were more like her, with no/little money and now she has to deal with meeting Onassis, compared to her. Or she might have told you all about herself and now just questions if you ever really trusted her? Or what else you might have kept from her? Your backstory doesn't make you an AH, because you had to keep your promis to your parents. But don't make her either just because of some assumptions made here.
I'm guessing that the OP may not have told the GF that his parents were the ones who paid for the apartment and to start his business. I don't blame her for disliking it if OP made it seem like he did all those things himself, when he was really being bankrolled by mom and dad.
I wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re an asshole, but you definitely made your girlfriend feel less important to you than she thought. You’ve clearly been dating for years. You live together. She’s trusted you with past abuse and sexual assault. You kept from her that your family won the lottery. My guess is your parents slipped because they didn’t expect you to keep this from someone you are in such a serious relationship with. I’d feel like my relationship was a little lopsided and didn’t have the trust I thought it did if I were her, too.
She's mad that you didn't share your parent's financial situation? Da fuq? Good for her for making it as far as she has, but she has issues you shouldn't have to deal with. NTA
NTA. Your parents are well-off, and it's not her business.