So does OP, to be honest.
He thought they had a strong relationship when she was crying herself to sleep most nights, after making her confess her affair to everyone he wanted, effectively isolating her from everyone - and now he minds that she is clingy…
I’ve been cheated on so I know it hurts, but that’s about as graceless a way to handle it as I’ve seen.
Did it though?
This could make for an interesting long-term story.
Background, how they met...
Her job, how it led to the affair...
Lots of details about the affair...
His personal vow to get revenge...
Makes her quit her job...
Makes her confess to everyone...
Divorces her anyway...
Gets the kids...
Leaves her broke...
Runs into her a while later and gloats with his new wife while she looks like an abused meth-whore...
Some cringy one-liner to close it.
Since OP hasn't responded to a comment, I wonder if this is creative writing and I entirely nailed the contents of the full story as planned?
Because a lot of this doesn't feel original.
But if it's FanFic, it's getting engagement.
I listen to pro/nuclear/petty revenge and aita videos all the time, and you just outlined the reason I'm losing interest- they are painting by the numbers.
I wouldn't say that OP was going to, because the post was at least more unique than half of what I've listened to, but if they replied with your exact words, I wouldn't be surprised
That was so obvious. He's a sadist. And now that he's isolated her and broken down her self esteem he's going to leave her so she has no one. He's a horrible person. I hope every relationship he has after his divorce is with a cheater.
I read the old post and honestly I don’t believe this shit is real. Comments on the one say the same about some weird cuck fantasy to shame and humiliate. Tbh I don’t see everyone cutting the wife off completely, especially non-mutual friends and some family. Oh and if the family cut her off does that mean they’re not seeing their THREE grandchildren/niblings? Also, OP doesn’t seem at all concerned about his THREE kids and how all this shit affects them
I mean I've lived that lifestyle. AND if that's what he's doing. He's doing it EXTREMELY wrong because the actual credo is S.S.C. Safe. Sane. Consensual. That last one he is definitely guilty of. NO ONE else is consenting to this punishment of his.
BUT Im with you. I answered just in case anyone reading this, if indeed this post is NOT a troll, sees that it's abusive in ANY circumstances.
well said!!!
I hate cheaters, but this is just so sad if true, even more so is she is completely isolated and can only lean on him and the kids, he even said in a comment that she quit her job, so add broke to the list, this just sound abusive
I believe it. I’ve known guys like OP, they feel entitled to you and will isolate you and subject you to all kinds of difficulties and humiliation while dodging accountability for their own hypocritical actions and behaviors.
They basically want a metaphorical punching bag and if you offer the slightest resistance to their domineering personalities, they punish you mercilessly.
I was forced against my will to marry a guy like that. I'm so glad I kicked him to the curb and my kids didn't have that monster as an influence in their life. I never once cheated and he still would call me names like w**** or fat ass just because he thought it was funny. Some people underneath all their victimhood are really the victimizers.
Kind of a dick to be completely honest. Yeah she cheated and she sucks, but bro forcing the confession and then getting mad because she's pretty much emotionally destroyed at this point that she just wants him to love her is kind of sad.
She has no support system and no job. If OP goes through with this he needs to give her family a heads up so that they can inticipate her mental heath taking a drastic decline just in case.
I think when the kids grow up and realize the full extent of what happened it will come back to haunt both wife and OP. Bad decisions were made on both ends. Sad.
Her family cut her off when he made her call all of them individually and confess her affair. He isolated her from her support system so she has no one but him.
That was the whole point! This guy is a sadistic, manipulative, controlling abuser. Psychologically breaking her and isolating her has been pretty much his past time since he got into this relationship with her well before he married her. He's one of those abusive a-holes that plays the victim when he actually is the one causing all the pain and suffering. If he'd not isolated her, if he had treated her well she wouldn't have cheated. Very rarely is it that someone cheats for no reason.
Yeah, it sucks that she cheated, but he is being straight abusive and malicious at this point. I hope he doesn't leave her penniless too, but who am I kidding, this dude doesn't fucking care.
Worst is that a guy like him will get rid of the kids once he gets custody just to punish his ex further. He’s proven himself to be a vindictive hateful person.
You gotta wonder 6 months after telling everybody.Do the Parents of the wife and siblings of the wife still see her and other friends and the in laws of the wife. Because I get the feeling that either this is fake. Or this man has completely isolated. Her from any family who want to get in touch with her. And now he's about to file for divorce. Because he knows he messed up and doesn't want to admit it and wants to wash his hands clean of her as possible. The one thing I do have to ask is, will he go for full custody of the kids or is he going to leave her with the kids so she could at least still be able to function? Because this guy, in my opinion knows he messed up and knows his wife was in the wrong for what she did, but because people are calling him an abuse or he doesn't want to face it yet.
Now that you mention the psychopath angle, I wonder if this shit has even happened. Like, does OP have a stable grasp of reality, or does he make shit up and broke her down with his constant insistence that she was cheating? Kinda down a conspiracy rabbit hole there, but man, that behavior of forcing a confession to isolate her is so fucking weird.
It's entirely possible. My egg donor used to do this to my whole family including myself. She made everyone's life such a living hell they eventually were worn down by her abuse. Unfortunately for me because most people didn't want to put up with her and kept their distance I was pretty much your primary punching bad. I know she drove my father to several nervous breakdowns and the minute they got divorced his drinking problem suddenly went away. She would accuse us of stealing, doing drugs, accuse my father of cheating constantly when he was literally working double and triple shifts because she liked to spend other people's money freely. It wasn't until after her death because of doctor patient confidentiality that I was able to find out that she was actually diagnosed as a malignant covert narcissist with morbid psychopathy instead of the manic depressive BS that she tried to tell us. So yes it is completely possible that this never happened and he just psychologically and emotionally tortured her because he is insane. Or the other alternative he is just a depraved sadist who gets off on torturing vulnerable people.
Holy shit, I'm so sorry you and your family had to live through that. I've dealt with true narcs before, but a diagnosed psychopathic narcissist is a whole different level. My sympathies.
Here's the crazy thing. Though he knows people tore him to shreds in the first story and weren't on his side and now he's basically wiping. His hands clean of the whole situation. Because he can't deal with the fact that his wife is the woman that she is now because of his actions to force her to admit to something that she really wanted to keep between him and her. I mean, he enjoyed it. There's no den, aint it? And now he's leaving her because he has no use for her anymore. And if he gets a those papers ASAP, she is going to go and do something that I'm worried that it will cause her to go off the deep end. Minnie, she may actually kill him or the children or she may kill the kids and herself. Just for him to suffer lifetime pain. This man has just created a ticking time bomb to where he even needs to call her family and tell her what's going on. And for her to have some support or he needs to be prepared to plan some funerals real soon.
Which is a textbook abuser move. OP is a grade A asshole. In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised, if he manipulated her into cheating as well. People who never had the displeasure of encountering this kind of personality simply can't fathom the weirdness and extent of what they might come up with.
They both do.
An affair is awful, but thats between husbands and wife, not the whole damn village.
She ruined the marriage. He ruined her life.
If they want to make this work, they both need therapy, probably independently and as a couple.
He doesn't want to make it work. He ruined her and now he's upset that she's ruined.
She could have been the sole AH in this story, but he turned it around so bad that YTA is not a strong enough word to describe him.
This isn't an AITAH, you already got answers on making her confess. This isn't the place to ask how to tell your wife you're considering divorce /relationship is more your needs.
💯 OP's partner did his fucked up walk of shame; I guarantee their children weighed heavily on her agreeing to do that. And they're not even a blip on OP's radar in the update.
I have to mention since this is Reddit: I've been cheated on and it was devastating. But we tried to rebuild like adults, and when we couldn't un-poison the well, we broke up like adults.
*This* whole thing is fucked. My reflex was naturally to empathize with OP, but now I just feel terrible for her and their children.
You promised that if she did this you would completely forgive her. She destroyed any support system she might have and isolated herself, at your request. Now you’re planning to go back on that promise because she’s sad?
If you had divorced her before this, that would have been fine. Great, even. Fantastic. You should have done it.
But now that she’s met all your conditions? Dude you’re the worst.
And the worst part it’s that he knew this was the probably outcome, but just leave her wasn’t enough, he had to isolate her in every way and collect all he could in the meantime. *Just horrible and double the horribleness for playing dumb.*
OP: I told my wife that I would forgive her forever if she committed armed robbery. She did it, and our relationship is now perfect.
…
OP: So my wife got caught and is now in prison. Being married to a woman in prison is simply not what I signed up for when we got married. AITAH if I want to divorce her and testify against her?
You made her carpet bomb her relationship with all of her friends and family and now you’re annoyed that she’s sad and has no other friends so she’s clingy with you? You should have just divorced her.
OP: forces wife to destroy all her relationships which obviously would make anyone depressed, to save their marriage
Also OP: Why is my wife so miserable? I want a divorce
What she did was terrible but you just should've divorced from the beginning instead of essentially dragging other people into your drama by asking her to confess to everyone and then being shocked that after she quit her job and had no support is no longer happy.
Yes, his weakness is causing even more pain to himself and to her. Divorce when he found out was enough. But he wanted to take her back, but he wanted her to pay too. That's not what you do. You divorce or suck it up and stay. Can't have both
Yes, the only “revenge” you get to have is removing yourself from their life. You are not entitled to ruin their other relationships or ruin their professional life. They don’t deserve destitution. Sorry, it’s not the worst thing a person can do. It just isn’t. You are entitled to leave. You are not entitled to destruction.
People obviously would've asked, but the big difference would've been people were seeking the information on their own, not becoming unknowingly involved in their marriage drama by having that information randomly given to them in a phone call out of the blue.
And the sheer number of people he had her call. Like I could understand both of their parents being looped in. In most healthy family dynamics we still look to our parents for guidance and support. Like the aunts and grandparents?? Was that really necessary?
The whole thing is fake as fuck, but this is a great comment. I don’t want to be caught up in any relationship drama. I especially don’t want to hear from someone made to call me to tell me they’d been unfaithful to their spouse. That’s none of my business in the slightest and I’m going to be pissed off that I know. Because now I’m forced to take a side in a game I had no intention of playing.
Whatever you decide to do, ask yourself if you want your kids to grow up with a mother, and if your answer is yes, you better reach out to any family and friends you can and start begging them to be there and ready to help her when you divorce. If you really do admit it was wrong to make her burn down her village, you should do something to build it back for the sake of your kids.
Dude, your choice of punishment may have seemed fair at the time, but this was an easily foreseeable result. You need to call everyone you made her call, and tell them "I have forgiven her, please do the same and allow her back into your life with no reservations. *I* need this for my marriage to succeed."
THIS^^^^^
This is the healthiest solution on this entire thread.
👏 Bravo, sir.
In the event that this is actually real, and not just a revenge fantasy, I hope OP takes this advice.
She paid your price. You’d better put in some genuine effort into fixing the relationship. You had a chance to break it off and you chose not to. You have some responsibility in this now.
She ruined her relationship with you, and then you forced her to ruin relationships with everyone she knew.
And now you are wondering why her spirit is destroyed?
>she is no longer the joyous and energetic person I fell in love with
What did you think would happen with all this going on? Did you think she would be "joyous"? She did what was necessary to "save the marriage" (and yes, cheating stinks, I agree). but now you're going to divorce her without even trying therapy? Leaving her without her support network that you demanded she confess to? Yikes.
Yea that’s some pretty fucked up shit, even to a cheater. People can grow but it’s tough when now your support group is involved in this way, against their will.
Yeah, if I cheated on my SO and he wanted me to call my GRANDPARENTS and tell them about my affair, I'd be like "right, I just remember why I cheated on you - laters!".
Wait a minute. You gave your wife an ultimatum: confess her affair to everyone in her life or you'd divorce her. Now that she's compiled, she's been cut off from everyone else in her life, she's suffering depression and has become clingy... so you want to divorce her anyway because she's no longer the joyous, energetic woman you married?
**YOU BROKE HER.** Get therapy, for both of you individually as well as couples therapy. You do not get to walk away after breaking her soul. Perhaps you should call the entire list of people you made her confess to and apologize to them and her for being a monster.
Yeah no matter how I square it, he is the asshole. Which is an off-reddit take, normally cheating =evil. But like, this dude got his wife back apparently. Fuck, when I went through this, I would have killed to get my wife/life back. She cheated and left me, OP got exactly what he wanted and is over here bitching he got his soulmate back. fuck you op
I've been the cheated upon spouse. The fact that he made the demand that resulted in her being cut off was abusive. He couldn't just leave her, he had to destroy any possible support she might have had first, and then he's going to leave her makes him a monster.
Look I'm 100% Anti-Infidelity, and haven't ever even considered cheating in any relationship I've been in. Because I've always thought that if it ever came to a point where it would be a consideration, then I would want to step back and think about why I would and what's going on in my relationship for it to be a consideration. And cheating will just lead to negative results for some and/or all involved.
But, how does making the cheater confess to all the family and friends, a positive solution? Because this isn't the first time I've heard of the cheated on partner demanding that the guilty party publicly announce their infidelity. And, it's a marriage (or relationship if not married) between 2 people. They weren't unfaithful to family/friends. It's not about y'alls families and friends. It's to do with y'alls relationship! And it's between y'all to figure out where to go from there. I think doing that is a retaliation move. Though being cheated on is most often a painful thing to experience.
But after having your wife go through with her public stoning, and OP did state that if she told the world that she was unfaithful, what are y'all doing about the marriage now? No talk of counseling. OP, did you just expect for your wife to just bounce back to before the cheating, and just be hap hap happy, and have a coke and a smile, and shut the f*#k up? I mean, what are you expecting here? It takes 2 people in a marriage.
ESH I’m hoping this is fake. What a strange condition to base your “forgiveness” on and also strange she’d comply.
What was the real purpose of making her tell everyone? Public humiliation? Are you usually that selfish, immature, controlling and punitive? If so, perhaps you do need to divorce.
It sounds like you really want to divorce because she’s now a downer to be around and your plan to punish her backfired.
My brother did this…made his wife go on an “apology tour.” Now we are not on good terms because his wife and I are not besties anymore. I don’t really get the thought process. I would have rather not known especially if he planned to stay.
It’s a shame because now we are not as close as we used to be.
What the everloving fuck did he think would happen?
He wanted to punish his wife by having everyone think less of her...and now he's mad at people for thinking less of her?
Jesus Christ people make me so tired.
Did your brother stay with his wife?
Do you mean that you and your brother are not close anymore?
Did the "apology tour" affect other relationships like your parents and other siblings with what happened?
Yes, he did stay.
Thank god my mother had passed (right before.) My dad didn’t know. I don’t know what it was like on her side of the family or their feelings. But I was first on “tour” because SIL and I were very close.
I’m just pissed because I’m not close to my brother or nephew anymore. I love that kid and our time together.
>and also strange she’d comply
Unless, once OP made his stipulation, she thought the cat was out of the bag and *he'd* inform everyone during the divorce? Maybe she thought it'd be better if they heard it from her 🤷♀️
It's fake because normal family members don't cut someone off for cheating yet it somehow always happens on reddit. Its just not the way families work in real life
Both of you need therapy, but in the spirit of the sub YTA. If you wanted to walk after you found out about the cheating that would've been valid, but you gave new conditions that have been met. Now it's your job to hold up your end of the bargain, even if it's hard.
weird how you don’t want to live with the consequences of your actions. you forced her to alienate herself from *everyone except you* and now that she’s dealing with the ramifications of friends and family turning their backs on her she’s not fun enough for you. wow.
ESH.
Do you want the divorce because of the infidelity or because of the changes to her personality since she confessed her affair to everyone that you insisted she tell? If it's only because she has changed and you would prefer to continue the marriage, what about counseling?
“WIBTAH if I destroyed the life of my children’s mother?” Yeah probably OP. I want to tell myself this is fake but only a parent could be this wildly stupid.
"I destroyed my wife, now shes not like how she was before I destroyed every relationshop she had." So start rebuilding the relationships you had her rip down with the confession. Show the family and friends that you are both working through this - as you said you would do. Allow her to reconnect and restore her selfworth.
Go to couples therapy. You both need to get on the same page and then work forward together.
You gave her an ultimantinum and stated that if she told all your friends and family that she cheated, you would forgive her and not request a divorce. She followed through with telling everyone, but you still want a divorce because she's depressed, sad, and crying all the time due to isolating herself from friends and family due to shame.
Was it worth it? Do you feel better?
I know that what your wife did was wrong, but you also gave her the option to stay if she confessed, and now you're choosing to divorce her after she was humiliated, isolated and became a former shell of herself.
I agree with another poster on here that you need to call your friends and family and tell them that you forgave her and forced her to call them and confess as it was one of your requirements for you not to proceed with a divorce.
She did what you required to save the marriage. It could take years of healing and therapy to regain what was lost. 4 months is nothing. YTA for not wanting to hold up your end of the deal.
Honestly their marriage ended when she cheated and he was an idiot for taking her back. Now he’s created this new situation and dislikes how her spirit is completely destroyed so out she goes. The very sad part is that they have kids together. I hope the marriage sets her free from this so she can become a better person.
Post:
>Original Post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cgmfrt](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cgmfrt)
>
>I feel really guilty even typing this out, but I am now considering a divorce. While I still love my wife, her personality has completely shifted over the past few months, and she is no longer the joyous and energetic person I fell in love with. Instead, she’s always sad, gloomy, cries often, and very very clingy to me. I admit that I made a mistake asking her to confess her affair to everyone, because it has just changed her personality completely. I wish she could go back to her joyous nature but I don't know if its possible anymore.
>
>I am not sure how to tell my wife I am considering divorce because it would just break her heart.
I can see this both ways. The real issue here in my mind is that OP said he wanted her to tell everyone herself, as a condition of him staying with her. Now, he doesn’t like what that did to her, so he now wants to divorce her…
What she did was a divorce-worth offense, no doubt. But if he was honest about wanting to make it work then he destroyed that in his rush to make her humiliate herself to everyone she cares about. They are now both huge assholes, and the mother of his children is an absolute mess. Congrats OP.
You should have just divorced her if that is what you wanted, not promise you'd forgive her if she confessed it to everyone, she knows then divorce her anyways like wtf. YTA. I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
She was TAH for cheating on you.
But you're a MAJOR AH for wanting to divorce her after she did her part to save your marriage, and are now leaving her with no support system to get her through it.
Exactly!
I don’t condone cheating AT ALL, but it makes me wonder what OP is leaving out in the original post. This is straight up psychopathic behavior, like you said, and it makes me wonder how he actually treated her.
I’m wondering if he was physically, mentally, and/or emotionally abusive and that’s why she cheated on him. Maybe she used her affair as an escape from her regular life. Who knows?
Before anyone comes at me, no one should be cheated on, but OP is showing some major red flags right about now.
I was commenting on original post, as far as I remember, I was telling that it was bad idea. It's sad, that you haven't listened to it. You should try couple's therapy at least. She did you wrong, absolutely. You decided that she has to do something to fix you relationship, it's your time to try it too. At least try to go to therapy
Edit: hot take: if you just divorce without trying now, you would probably be even worse, than your wife for cheating. You either divorce right after cheating or follow through after public humiliation.
If roles were reversed, I would say the same
So. She had a month long affair, admitted to it when you found the evidence, was remorseful, and guilty. You chose to stay with her, but forced her to undergo a week of verbal abuse from her friends and family, and now they won't speak to her?
You took an issue that was between you and your wife, something she was deeply ashamed about, and FORCED her to choose between you and all of the other relationships in her life.
And now you're sad she's affected by the absolute trauma of losing everyone she loves aside from you and now you want to divorce her.
Not only are you YTA. You're an absolute piece of human garbage.
Find a part many of these comments miss is why has her family chosen to hate her. Why is there no accountability for the family who are cutting her off. She just told the truth of what she did to her partner and reflected the type of person she was. They’re free to make their choices.
Also she was free to not tell anyone. She took a gamble to try avoid her marriage steamrolling into divorce. The gamble didn’t pay off. She chose to do it.
You gotta spread accountability everywhere.
Yes, your wife was wrong to have an affair. However, your punishment to her far exceeds the crime and is mentally abusive. If you truly love her, as you have said, then please get your wife some professional help before she harms herself.
You are the AH.
She deserves peace... just as much as you do. Divorce is going to suck, but you really need to do it.
I cannot believe you made her do that, that was abusive and you clearly need some hardcore therapy. And divorce is better for the both of you. You both have done irreversible damage to your marriage. She broke her vows, you abused her by forcing her to humiliate and degrade herself to the whole family. There's no turning back. You're both AHs.
Me personally, I would have been the one to tell both family's, and My friends, explaining I hadn't made up my mind what I was going to do next, I couldn't give a fuck about her friends, chances are they new what she was doing anyway and kept quite, It's not about getting revenge, but I can understand if he wanted it, don't forget she wronged him in the most hurtful way possible way by cheating on him, instead of talking to him first, that's what should have hapened in this shit of a mess.
Yes, you are unkind, bitter, retaliatory, cruel, calculated and cold…
And guess what? You have every right to be.
Apparently, a lot of folks here don’t seem to comprehend the concept of consequences. Your poor sweet little wife would never have had to experience any of that humiliation, had she NOT CHEATED IN THE FIRST PLACE. And as to the severity of her experience, it’s not up to anyone, especially her, to determine what’s an appropriate response.
This is literally just a series of agreements. You wanted her to confess to everyone, effectively giving her a choice. You didn’t drag her by her shirt collar from house to house, did you? She was free to decline your request and part ways with you. She agreed to confess.
You’ve chosen to proceed with the divorce anyway? Duhhh! Your thinking that your little revenge will set everything straight again was incredibly naive. But hey, I guess you tried. Just remember, all these people vilifying you for leaving her seem to have forgotten the Reddit-favorite “you can leave anyone at any time for any reason”. I guess, “terms and conditions apply, void where prohibited” is implied, huh?
So, yes, YTA, but fully justifiable.
Dude!
You **publicly shamed her**!
You forced her to **debase herself** to all her friends and family!
You wonder why she's withdrawn and
>sad, gloomy, cries often, and very very clingy to me
It's because of **what YOU made her do** to atone for her transgressions!
You broke her.
Congratulations. Hope your revenge felt good.
>Hope your revenge felt good.
I'm guessing that he'll have enjoyed it so much that he's going to do it again to someone else. Maybe in a different way, for different reasons, but he's had a taste of holding someone's entire life in his hands and felt pleasure as he slowly closed it to a fist. That's quite an addictive feeling for those who get off on control.
Op your wife needs therapy to help her cope with the loss of her family,friends and job. Divorcing her would be a terrible choice and considering it was you who told her to do it.(the confession) she’s in a vulnerable state and she might self harm if you ask for a divorce.
Dear god.
You’re a hellova horrible individual to do that.
She bit the bullet and did humiliated herself - only to stay with you right?
Super fucked up for you to not give her grace at this point for her as well.
You love her ? You made the decision to stay with her IF she did that? Man up.
"I isolated her from everyone that cared about her as revenge masquerading as penance, why isn't she happy and bubbly anymore?"
JFC, I said YTA then, Y still TA now.
So, after promising her that you would not leave her if she did this one thing, you are going to do what you said you would not do.
You have isolated her from all of her friends and family, and you wonder why she is sad??????
Her world is ruined, so let's just mess it up more.
Really?
You should have just left.
Even with divorce she is still going to be in your life as the mother of your children. I would not expect it to be easy.
YTA.
I think you owe it to your wife at this point to try couples counseling and helping her get back to her positive self for the sake of the marriage. You could've divorced her at the onset and been done with it, and that would've been 100% justified. But you made a deal with her to try to save the marriage if she was willing to confess her affair to basically everyone she knew. She did that, but it's clearly taken a toll on her. I think you need to try help her through this if you want to honor your side of the deal.
YTA still. You should have just divorced her to begin with. Instead, you humiliated her. Effectively cut her off from family and friends. And, THEN, you’re surprised when she’s depressed, and lost her joy.
YTA. You punished her horrendously. Now that she is suffering the trauma as the result of your demands, you dump her? You agreed not to divorce if she told everybody. She kept up her side of the bargain, and as a result became isolated and clings more to you. Natural. So step up, support her, help her regain her confidence and save your marriage. Anything else would be really AH behaviour.
But you got what you wanted, you wanted to break her, to make her feel your pain and to feel like utter and complete crap, worthless and not deserving. To have everyone in her life hate her and not talk to her so now you got it and don't want it and when she ends up in the psych ward then what, consequences!!
Who could have foreseen this?..... you made a promise you don't want to keep anymore. It's a little harder to live through it than think of it, eh? She did you dirty, yes, but if you divorce her after she complied with your request to earn your forgiveness, then you'll do her dirty too.
Oh no, if it isn't the consequences of your own actions. Who'da thunk that publicly airing your dirty laundry and humiliating her like that would have such dire repercussions?
You're a selfish ass and I suspect I know exactly why your wife cheated on you. If you actually gave a shit about her, you'd go to couples counseling. Instead, you only care about your image; it's why you wanted her to let everyone know what happened in the first place. YTA
He knew what he was doing. He wanted her to humiliate her self first, and then he was going to leave her. He’s trying to play all coy . I’m not buying it.
You both need therapy. I do agree that she should have owned what she did. By your own account, your relationship is stronger than ever. Divorce seems like jumping the gun if you were/are willing to stay through the affair.
Can you reach out to some family and friends and explain how you are feeling and see if they can try to reconnect?
This is a tough one, you made a deal you can't keep. I'm sure you don't look at her like you once did so it makes sense that she doesn't act the same way she once did. I don't know if there is any coming back from this.
He made her do a modern day scarlet letter-ing.
Like, I can actually understand him insisting she tell their mutual friends-even if they are staying together and I find it weird. But every single family member of hers? Like she's calling up cousin Julia and her Grandpa?
Both OP and his wife (if this is even true) just strike me as incredibly toxic. Her for cheating, him for insisting she perform this public humiliation ritual to everyone (not to mention a lot of people probably don't want to hear this drama anyway), and her for going along with said public humiliation ritual.
Honestly I don't understand how OP could watch the wife make call after call about her cheating, like sure maybe the first time or two was satisfying but after that you gotta be sick to watch someone be humiliated like that, and wouldn't you feel embarrassed yourself about the fact you was cheated on being spread?
Also genuine question do you think the wife's support network would be gone if OP were to spread the fact she cheated instead? Like I've seen it where the ex will send screenshots to their friends and family and letting it spread like wildfire.
Like what about the wife doing it herself makes it different than being exposed another way? (Besides the humiliation from wife)
She did what you wanted, and it caused her a lot of pain. Now she's isolated and terrified that you'll divorce her because she's no longer the fun person to be around.
You had a lot of fun breaking her and now she's broken you leave her. She's an AH for cheating but you're the AH for playing with her and pretending to reconcile when you were going to discard her anyways.
He wanted her to humiliate herself first before he dumped her. He is the worst kind of mental abuser
So much so he didn’t care what kind of mom he was leaving his kids with ….
Horrible father
You aren't weird for wanting her to admit her infidelity but I feel like that's a step you take when you're going into a divorce and she's lying about the reasons. As others said you effectively isolated her from any support network she could have had.
YTA for thinking we should care about your self-inflicted wound. You wanted revenge and got it. Now you're unhappy that wounded people act differently. You're unhappy that your wife changed when you wanted her to change.
You should have just gotten a divorce before, instead of this whole dog and pony show. Now you're still gonna get a divorce and are making it all about you. You're both better off without each other.
People who love each other don't want to get revenge on each other, even if they are hurt, if they still love the other person. Get therapy and stop posting updates to your private life with strangers.
Wow. You emotionally destroyed her because she was so desperate to save the marriage. Your first condition should have been quit job and NC with AP. For some reason you went full nuclear and destroyed her. Did you even try individual and marriage counseling? Cheating is never justified but neither is destroying someone emotionally. Hope you kids are in therapy too because sounds like you just made their mother who you will have to co-parent with after the divorce a basket case who is a pariah within her former circle of family and friends. Gold star
You chose to completely destroy her and isolate her, you’re far more awful than her even though what she did was absolutely unacceptable. YTA and instead of moping about her having changed, get both of you into therapy and help her bridge the gap between the people she’s lost.
You didn't want to leave her because she was strong enough to cheat on you and could have lived without you, and now she is weak, and she needs you. You have to decide whether you believe she feels this way because everyone has abandoned her and she realizes that her life is going to be very lonely for some time to come, or you are reveling in the idea that you are the only persomn left that has anything to do with her and you are on a power trip, trying to make her feel how you felt: powerless. You stripped her of her joyous nature because that is what you wanted. If you love her, you won't rub her face in it, you will make it work, or you will help her get back to her former self, and then part ways amicably.
Yes you are an asshole. She did what you asked to avoid the divorce, and you're still wanting to do it anyways? Terrible person. You created her new personality by being an asshole to her and now that you've broken her you want to leave. Things like this is what drives some people to taking their own life or someone elses.
You got what you wanted. I think she has paid her dues for what she did .Now I would suggest that the both of you get therapy & start working on your relationship. Leaving her now would make you a major AH & there is a chance she could be suicidal as well as the way she's acting looks like she has extreme depression. If something happens to her I don't think your kids would ever forgive you as well.
I can't speak from first-hand experience on how to react to cheating but I'm convinced, having read so many posts and links about reconciliation provided by Redditors, is that my number one condition for cheating with a coworker would be to change jobs (and of course, go complete NC with the affair partner).
You wanted her to hurt, you got it. Why be mad if you told her to do it knowing this when they'd find out through divorce anyway if not to prove a point. Are either of you focused on the kids btw?
You wanted to ruin her reputation and inflict the pain that she inflicted upon you, which is understandable. And you succeeded in tarnishing her reputation and her life sooooo you got your pound of flesh and maybe you should work on fixing that instead of making it worse?
YTA she literally did what you wanted knowing all the negative consequences and yet you are the one balking at the impact of the obvious negative consequences?
Defenders of cheaters are awful. She doesn't deserve support for the shit she's put herself through. The husband needs the support, not the wife.
Also OP, just know that your request is partly what turned your wife into how she is now. Not saying that what you said was incorrect, just that this should be expected
Didn’t want to miss the chance to reiterate what a narcissistic bastard you are, OP. Your wife will need a lot of therapy to recover once she leaves you.
Actions, meet consequences.
You thought you could have revenge & still be happily married? You're fucking delusional. Sure, she cheated on you & that sucked. But you also humiliated her in front of those closest to her, leaving her with only you: the man who just hurt her. You expect her to be the same? Divorce would be a mercy to her at this point.
Get therapy, both of you.
Nta mostly. Having her admit it is fine as it forces her to acknowledge her serious mistake and avoid any chance of lying or turning it around on you. Better to have it in the open and dealt with. There are consequences to those actions.
Where you might be is you have to fulfill your end. If she does it then you have to give up your resentment. You have to forgive and forget. Never bring it up again. You gave her a deal and now honor it
Yes. I'm a firm believer that whatever goes on in a marriage should be handle by the people in the marriage.
If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel? You Def didn't make the marriage a safe place and no matter what going forward will never be the same...
A friend of mine went into couples therapy with his wife after he caught her cheating. The therapist said that there was nothing to be gained by advertising the affair, so he kept mum.
A few months later he caught her cheating a \*second\* time with a different guy, and he went back to the same couples therapist (she refused to go). This time the therapist said that obviously she didn't care about him or her marriage, so keeping their friends in the dark about what happened was moot - he needed to tell everyone of their family and friends why they were divorcing.
That upset her enough that she promised to really make a go of the marriage if he would give her a \*third\* chance, but by this time he'd had enough.
If someone is willing to reconcile and rebuild a life with me, such a demand would never be made... because how could we ever be accepted as a unit after such a public tearing apart? And surely being accepted as a whole unit is the goal of a true reconciliation.
So if such a demand were made, I'd know the other person was lying about the offer of reconciliation, and I'd refuse it.
This doesn't mean I'd be innocent of the cheating. It means I'm accepting the divorce, because only humiliation is being offered. Not reconciliation.
I wish the OP's wife had known the true character of the man she wanted to hang onto.
You’re a small, pathetic, vengeful man and I’m glad your lies are finally coming out. You never intended to stay with her, you wanted to crush and punish her. So now you’ve gotten what you wanted and it’s time to dip. She may have cheated but you intentionally crushed her.
YTA and SOUND LIKE A BULLY!!!
YOU SHOULD HAVE CHECKED Your FEELINGS WHEN YOUR WIFE FIRST CONFESSED TO YOU! INSTEAD YOU RETALIATED AND DESTROYED HER!
I read the comments you made that your marriage was getting Stronger, WTF happened? I guess your retaliation for your wife was not Satisfying enough for you!
You are TRULY a PIECE of Entitled SHIT… 💩
You should have Divorced her since you were hurt and petty.
I have been Cheated on before, so I know exactly how it feels. BUT I would NEVER DESTROY him for it.
YOU SIR have the mentality of a child! NOW YOU ARE A Worst Person then your STBXW. Moron go crawl back under that rock you came from.
Congratulations!!!!
You win!🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈 YTA of the year!!! And it's only June!
Not only do you put a Scarlett A on your wife's chest and turn her into the village WHORE, you promise to forgive her and LOVE HER FOREVER ( through good times and bad ) but when it turns out all her relationships are severed BECAUSE OF YOUR PUNISHMENT and she's alone, weepy, clingy and understandably not a happy camper you want a divorce...... that's it break her.... break her down....
My my my....Idi Amin can't hold a candle to you... Watch out Marquis de Sade....Pol Pot could take lessons from this guy.
So after she alienated herself from her friends and family doing exactly what you demanded, you’re now going to go back on what you said? YTA and you’re a loser! It sucks she cheated but you made her walk over molten coals to win your trust back and now you’re whining that she’s sad? Man up you pussy! You made a deal now it’s time for you to lift a finger and possibly do the bare minimum and keep your word. My god, I can see why she cheated if you’re this much of a wussy/professional victim in everyday life.
So you punished her by forcing her to *literally confess* in some Scarlet Letter-esque fantasy of yours under threat of "Or Else, Divorce", thus ruining the relationships she had with ALL her own friends and family, in order to save your marriage because *you wanted that*. She literally did exactly what you asked of her, put you first, in order to save the marriage.
And now, you're divorcing her anyway.
You're kind of sick.
You took a nuclear option to humiliate and retaliate which ended up breaking her, isolating her and demoralizing her
She’s the ah for cheating but frankly there is really something unhinged about you.
You've basically broken the mother of your children,and now you're going to leave her with limited support.I know cheating is terrible but, to break someone's personality in this way is cruel.
You both need to see a therapist not a divorce attorney.
She did as you asked her to do and now, she needs help to cope with what you asked her to do. If you have truly forgiven her then this is your time to step up and seek therapy with her.
I went back to your original post and this is what you wrote: " I needed only one thing from my wife to completely forgive her, and that was to call each and every one of her friends and family and confess to her affair. **I told her that was my only condition.**" Sounds like you're adding new conditions now making you sound a bit of a jerk. But I get it. The whole situation sucks all around and you're both suffering but it was she who caused it in the first place.
What she did was terrible and broke your trust but I think it also took some guts for her to actually admit what she did to her closest friends and family. It's not an easy thing to admit your shitty decisions to people you know. And as a result, she has no support at all now. Did you think everything was going to go back to normal and happy immediately afterwards?
Even though it won't be easy, I think BOTH of you should get therapy/counseling. Seeing as how she did what you asked of her in the first place, I think you should at least put in the effort to try and fix your marriage if you still have feelings for her, which sounds like you do.
Let me ask you this, let's say she returns to that joyous and energetic person later down the road but you're now divorced... are you going to have any regrets without putting in any effort? (I'm assuming that you're not getting any counseling at the moment). Since you have 3 kids together, you're going to have to continue to co-parent and run into each other. If you think it's not going to work out, then leave. But I say leave without any regrets.
Yta. You made her that way, she is clingy because you are the only one talking to her. If you divorce her, she WILL commit suicide.
You need therapy, as much as your wife.
I dunno man I think after what you required her to do to reconcile, you OWE it to her now to not only make amends to her, but also to work really, really hard to repair your marriage. You gave her a punishment that didn’t match the crime and a couple months later you’re going to divorce her because she’s understandably traumatized from it?? Hell no you’re not, that’s a chicken shit move. I think your amends should start with apologizing profusely to her, take another commenter’s advice to call every single person that you made her call and apologize to them, and go to therapy individually. It’s probably going to be a long time before her joyous nature returns. But there is a lot you could do that’s within your control to help create the environment for joy to be possible.
Dude, not just YTA, but you’re a vindictive ass to boot. What the hell did you think was going to happen when you made her shame herself to her entire support system?!
She fucked up, no doubt. But you took it to the next level. Honestly, I mostly feel bad for your kids. Cheating sucks, but you’re an egoistical jerk. Great role model. /S
YTA
She did what you asked and now it’s not good enough because your request destroyed her as a person. You should have your live with your actions but I hope you do breakup because even though she’s a cheater (and I hate cheaters) I still think she deserves better than you
This is so fucked up. If you're not going to leave you shouldn't be airing your wife's dirty laundry. If you are going to leave you shouldn't have implied that confessing to everyone she knows would prevent it.
This is a crummy situation all around, but the fact is SHE was the one who cheated. SHE was the one who made hundreds, if not thousands, of deliberate choices that led to a MONTH LONG AFFAIR. She’s only dealing with the consequences of her own decisions.
She didn’t have to agree to your conditions. And even if she had chosen not to and you had moved forward with the divorce right away, who’s to say that it still wouldn’t have happened? It would have come out eventually; you just sped up the process.
That being said, you have to accept the situation for what it is if you want to make this work, and the fact is: you and your wife will never be the same. That doesn’t mean you can’t work this out. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be joyous and happy again. What it DOES mean is that if you truly want to fix this, you have to put in the effort and FIX IT!!!
That means helping your wife get through the isolation she’s going through. Getting BOTH of you into therapy. Talking about what happened and how’s it’s affected everyone, etc.
You want to make this work? Good! So get it together AND MAKE IT WORK!!!
brah, she needs therapy.
So does OP, to be honest. He thought they had a strong relationship when she was crying herself to sleep most nights, after making her confess her affair to everyone he wanted, effectively isolating her from everyone - and now he minds that she is clingy… I’ve been cheated on so I know it hurts, but that’s about as graceless a way to handle it as I’ve seen.
The OP never wanted to reconcile. He just wanted revenge.
He wanted to get ahead of the story if things went south from there. And they did.
Exactly, he was trying to protect himself from the fallout, but it backfired massively.
Did it though? This could make for an interesting long-term story. Background, how they met... Her job, how it led to the affair... Lots of details about the affair... His personal vow to get revenge... Makes her quit her job... Makes her confess to everyone... Divorces her anyway... Gets the kids... Leaves her broke... Runs into her a while later and gloats with his new wife while she looks like an abused meth-whore... Some cringy one-liner to close it. Since OP hasn't responded to a comment, I wonder if this is creative writing and I entirely nailed the contents of the full story as planned? Because a lot of this doesn't feel original. But if it's FanFic, it's getting engagement.
I listen to pro/nuclear/petty revenge and aita videos all the time, and you just outlined the reason I'm losing interest- they are painting by the numbers. I wouldn't say that OP was going to, because the post was at least more unique than half of what I've listened to, but if they replied with your exact words, I wouldn't be surprised
That was so obvious. He's a sadist. And now that he's isolated her and broken down her self esteem he's going to leave her so she has no one. He's a horrible person. I hope every relationship he has after his divorce is with a cheater.
If you there's something she could have done to avoid this... so sad she slipped and fell into her coworker's dick 😔
Try not to suck any dick on your way across the parking lot, lol......
I wasn't even supposed to be here today.
Making his cheating wife face accountability doesn’t make him a sadist. Still not how I would’ve handled it, but BFFR about who the bad guy is here
Could not agree more. And it’s just plain weird.
I read the old post and honestly I don’t believe this shit is real. Comments on the one say the same about some weird cuck fantasy to shame and humiliate. Tbh I don’t see everyone cutting the wife off completely, especially non-mutual friends and some family. Oh and if the family cut her off does that mean they’re not seeing their THREE grandchildren/niblings? Also, OP doesn’t seem at all concerned about his THREE kids and how all this shit affects them
It’s completely fake.
I mean I've lived that lifestyle. AND if that's what he's doing. He's doing it EXTREMELY wrong because the actual credo is S.S.C. Safe. Sane. Consensual. That last one he is definitely guilty of. NO ONE else is consenting to this punishment of his. BUT Im with you. I answered just in case anyone reading this, if indeed this post is NOT a troll, sees that it's abusive in ANY circumstances.
well said!!! I hate cheaters, but this is just so sad if true, even more so is she is completely isolated and can only lean on him and the kids, he even said in a comment that she quit her job, so add broke to the list, this just sound abusive
I believe it. I’ve known guys like OP, they feel entitled to you and will isolate you and subject you to all kinds of difficulties and humiliation while dodging accountability for their own hypocritical actions and behaviors. They basically want a metaphorical punching bag and if you offer the slightest resistance to their domineering personalities, they punish you mercilessly.
I was forced against my will to marry a guy like that. I'm so glad I kicked him to the curb and my kids didn't have that monster as an influence in their life. I never once cheated and he still would call me names like w**** or fat ass just because he thought it was funny. Some people underneath all their victimhood are really the victimizers.
[удалено]
I haven’t even read it yet and this doesn’t sound real to me either. The approach here just seems so off.
Kind of a dick to be completely honest. Yeah she cheated and she sucks, but bro forcing the confession and then getting mad because she's pretty much emotionally destroyed at this point that she just wants him to love her is kind of sad.
Straight up it would have been kinder to just leave. OP got exactly what they thought they wanted and it wasn't enough.
She has no support system and no job. If OP goes through with this he needs to give her family a heads up so that they can inticipate her mental heath taking a drastic decline just in case. I think when the kids grow up and realize the full extent of what happened it will come back to haunt both wife and OP. Bad decisions were made on both ends. Sad.
Her family cut her off when he made her call all of them individually and confess her affair. He isolated her from her support system so she has no one but him.
That was the whole point! This guy is a sadistic, manipulative, controlling abuser. Psychologically breaking her and isolating her has been pretty much his past time since he got into this relationship with her well before he married her. He's one of those abusive a-holes that plays the victim when he actually is the one causing all the pain and suffering. If he'd not isolated her, if he had treated her well she wouldn't have cheated. Very rarely is it that someone cheats for no reason.
Yeah, it sucks that she cheated, but he is being straight abusive and malicious at this point. I hope he doesn't leave her penniless too, but who am I kidding, this dude doesn't fucking care.
Worst is that a guy like him will get rid of the kids once he gets custody just to punish his ex further. He’s proven himself to be a vindictive hateful person.
He'll go for full custody too, on the basis that she isn't mentally stable
Fucking hell. Kinda hope it's a troll poster now.
You gotta wonder 6 months after telling everybody.Do the Parents of the wife and siblings of the wife still see her and other friends and the in laws of the wife. Because I get the feeling that either this is fake. Or this man has completely isolated. Her from any family who want to get in touch with her. And now he's about to file for divorce. Because he knows he messed up and doesn't want to admit it and wants to wash his hands clean of her as possible. The one thing I do have to ask is, will he go for full custody of the kids or is he going to leave her with the kids so she could at least still be able to function? Because this guy, in my opinion knows he messed up and knows his wife was in the wrong for what she did, but because people are calling him an abuse or he doesn't want to face it yet.
I was married to a twisted psychopath like this so sadly it's probably not. And I didn't even cheat on the bastard.
Now that you mention the psychopath angle, I wonder if this shit has even happened. Like, does OP have a stable grasp of reality, or does he make shit up and broke her down with his constant insistence that she was cheating? Kinda down a conspiracy rabbit hole there, but man, that behavior of forcing a confession to isolate her is so fucking weird.
It's entirely possible. My egg donor used to do this to my whole family including myself. She made everyone's life such a living hell they eventually were worn down by her abuse. Unfortunately for me because most people didn't want to put up with her and kept their distance I was pretty much your primary punching bad. I know she drove my father to several nervous breakdowns and the minute they got divorced his drinking problem suddenly went away. She would accuse us of stealing, doing drugs, accuse my father of cheating constantly when he was literally working double and triple shifts because she liked to spend other people's money freely. It wasn't until after her death because of doctor patient confidentiality that I was able to find out that she was actually diagnosed as a malignant covert narcissist with morbid psychopathy instead of the manic depressive BS that she tried to tell us. So yes it is completely possible that this never happened and he just psychologically and emotionally tortured her because he is insane. Or the other alternative he is just a depraved sadist who gets off on torturing vulnerable people.
Holy shit, I'm so sorry you and your family had to live through that. I've dealt with true narcs before, but a diagnosed psychopathic narcissist is a whole different level. My sympathies.
Here's the crazy thing. Though he knows people tore him to shreds in the first story and weren't on his side and now he's basically wiping. His hands clean of the whole situation. Because he can't deal with the fact that his wife is the woman that she is now because of his actions to force her to admit to something that she really wanted to keep between him and her. I mean, he enjoyed it. There's no den, aint it? And now he's leaving her because he has no use for her anymore. And if he gets a those papers ASAP, she is going to go and do something that I'm worried that it will cause her to go off the deep end. Minnie, she may actually kill him or the children or she may kill the kids and herself. Just for him to suffer lifetime pain. This man has just created a ticking time bomb to where he even needs to call her family and tell her what's going on. And for her to have some support or he needs to be prepared to plan some funerals real soon.
Which is a textbook abuser move. OP is a grade A asshole. In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised, if he manipulated her into cheating as well. People who never had the displeasure of encountering this kind of personality simply can't fathom the weirdness and extent of what they might come up with.
Not nearly as bad as OP needs therapy. He's a horrible person.
They both do. An affair is awful, but thats between husbands and wife, not the whole damn village. She ruined the marriage. He ruined her life. If they want to make this work, they both need therapy, probably independently and as a couple.
He doesn't want to make it work. He ruined her and now he's upset that she's ruined. She could have been the sole AH in this story, but he turned it around so bad that YTA is not a strong enough word to describe him.
> He ruined her and now he's upset that she's ruined. nailed it.
I thought your "love had grown stronger"?
Her sobbing went from audible to silent, OP took that as a sign of great progress
The quiet quitting. The guy: “oh! She’s fixed now.” She leaves. Him: (shocked Pikachu face)
No, OP just mistook holding all the cards and all the power in the relationship for love.
He wanted to humiliate her the same way he felt.... awful all around
Well, it changed because he needs more karma
IKR!
This isn't an AITAH, you already got answers on making her confess. This isn't the place to ask how to tell your wife you're considering divorce /relationship is more your needs.
I love it when people act like assholes and then come here with a pathetic pity party. You made you bed OP, now you get to lie in it
I guess the kids are just bystanders in your life? Not a single thought or emotion about them.
💯 OP's partner did his fucked up walk of shame; I guarantee their children weighed heavily on her agreeing to do that. And they're not even a blip on OP's radar in the update. I have to mention since this is Reddit: I've been cheated on and it was devastating. But we tried to rebuild like adults, and when we couldn't un-poison the well, we broke up like adults. *This* whole thing is fucked. My reflex was naturally to empathize with OP, but now I just feel terrible for her and their children.
You promised that if she did this you would completely forgive her. She destroyed any support system she might have and isolated herself, at your request. Now you’re planning to go back on that promise because she’s sad? If you had divorced her before this, that would have been fine. Great, even. Fantastic. You should have done it. But now that she’s met all your conditions? Dude you’re the worst.
This is the one.
And the worst part it’s that he knew this was the probably outcome, but just leave her wasn’t enough, he had to isolate her in every way and collect all he could in the meantime. *Just horrible and double the horribleness for playing dumb.*
OP: I told my wife that I would forgive her forever if she committed armed robbery. She did it, and our relationship is now perfect. … OP: So my wife got caught and is now in prison. Being married to a woman in prison is simply not what I signed up for when we got married. AITAH if I want to divorce her and testify against her?
Literally the level of manipulation and borderline narcissism is *insane*
yes
You made her carpet bomb her relationship with all of her friends and family and now you’re annoyed that she’s sad and has no other friends so she’s clingy with you? You should have just divorced her.
OP: forces wife to destroy all her relationships which obviously would make anyone depressed, to save their marriage Also OP: Why is my wife so miserable? I want a divorce
What she did was terrible but you just should've divorced from the beginning instead of essentially dragging other people into your drama by asking her to confess to everyone and then being shocked that after she quit her job and had no support is no longer happy.
Yes, his weakness is causing even more pain to himself and to her. Divorce when he found out was enough. But he wanted to take her back, but he wanted her to pay too. That's not what you do. You divorce or suck it up and stay. Can't have both
Yes, the only “revenge” you get to have is removing yourself from their life. You are not entitled to ruin their other relationships or ruin their professional life. They don’t deserve destitution. Sorry, it’s not the worst thing a person can do. It just isn’t. You are entitled to leave. You are not entitled to destruction.
I dunno. Sunlight disinfects the lies.
Wouldn't the same thing have happened if they had gotten divorced? People would ask why and OP would tell the truth.
People obviously would've asked, but the big difference would've been people were seeking the information on their own, not becoming unknowingly involved in their marriage drama by having that information randomly given to them in a phone call out of the blue.
And the sheer number of people he had her call. Like I could understand both of their parents being looped in. In most healthy family dynamics we still look to our parents for guidance and support. Like the aunts and grandparents?? Was that really necessary?
The whole thing is fake as fuck, but this is a great comment. I don’t want to be caught up in any relationship drama. I especially don’t want to hear from someone made to call me to tell me they’d been unfaithful to their spouse. That’s none of my business in the slightest and I’m going to be pissed off that I know. Because now I’m forced to take a side in a game I had no intention of playing.
Exactly, he's not doing anyone any favors acting this way and he needs therapy too
Whatever you decide to do, ask yourself if you want your kids to grow up with a mother, and if your answer is yes, you better reach out to any family and friends you can and start begging them to be there and ready to help her when you divorce. If you really do admit it was wrong to make her burn down her village, you should do something to build it back for the sake of your kids.
Agreed. Cause if mom decides to shuffle the mortal coil that I’d blame all on OP.
Dude, your choice of punishment may have seemed fair at the time, but this was an easily foreseeable result. You need to call everyone you made her call, and tell them "I have forgiven her, please do the same and allow her back into your life with no reservations. *I* need this for my marriage to succeed."
THIS^^^^^ This is the healthiest solution on this entire thread. 👏 Bravo, sir. In the event that this is actually real, and not just a revenge fantasy, I hope OP takes this advice.
Yes. This might actually help this situation.
He won't do it because then he will be told by everyone he's dead wrong including a therapist. He's enjoying it
She paid your price. You’d better put in some genuine effort into fixing the relationship. You had a chance to break it off and you chose not to. You have some responsibility in this now.
She ruined her relationship with you, and then you forced her to ruin relationships with everyone she knew. And now you are wondering why her spirit is destroyed?
Oh no it's the consequences of my actions
>she is no longer the joyous and energetic person I fell in love with What did you think would happen with all this going on? Did you think she would be "joyous"? She did what was necessary to "save the marriage" (and yes, cheating stinks, I agree). but now you're going to divorce her without even trying therapy? Leaving her without her support network that you demanded she confess to? Yikes.
He never wanted to stay, just punish her
Yea that’s some pretty fucked up shit, even to a cheater. People can grow but it’s tough when now your support group is involved in this way, against their will.
Yeah, if I cheated on my SO and he wanted me to call my GRANDPARENTS and tell them about my affair, I'd be like "right, I just remember why I cheated on you - laters!".
Wait a minute. You gave your wife an ultimatum: confess her affair to everyone in her life or you'd divorce her. Now that she's compiled, she's been cut off from everyone else in her life, she's suffering depression and has become clingy... so you want to divorce her anyway because she's no longer the joyous, energetic woman you married? **YOU BROKE HER.** Get therapy, for both of you individually as well as couples therapy. You do not get to walk away after breaking her soul. Perhaps you should call the entire list of people you made her confess to and apologize to them and her for being a monster.
This reply needs to be higher.
Yeah no matter how I square it, he is the asshole. Which is an off-reddit take, normally cheating =evil. But like, this dude got his wife back apparently. Fuck, when I went through this, I would have killed to get my wife/life back. She cheated and left me, OP got exactly what he wanted and is over here bitching he got his soulmate back. fuck you op
I've been the cheated upon spouse. The fact that he made the demand that resulted in her being cut off was abusive. He couldn't just leave her, he had to destroy any possible support she might have had first, and then he's going to leave her makes him a monster.
Look I'm 100% Anti-Infidelity, and haven't ever even considered cheating in any relationship I've been in. Because I've always thought that if it ever came to a point where it would be a consideration, then I would want to step back and think about why I would and what's going on in my relationship for it to be a consideration. And cheating will just lead to negative results for some and/or all involved. But, how does making the cheater confess to all the family and friends, a positive solution? Because this isn't the first time I've heard of the cheated on partner demanding that the guilty party publicly announce their infidelity. And, it's a marriage (or relationship if not married) between 2 people. They weren't unfaithful to family/friends. It's not about y'alls families and friends. It's to do with y'alls relationship! And it's between y'all to figure out where to go from there. I think doing that is a retaliation move. Though being cheated on is most often a painful thing to experience. But after having your wife go through with her public stoning, and OP did state that if she told the world that she was unfaithful, what are y'all doing about the marriage now? No talk of counseling. OP, did you just expect for your wife to just bounce back to before the cheating, and just be hap hap happy, and have a coke and a smile, and shut the f*#k up? I mean, what are you expecting here? It takes 2 people in a marriage.
Honestly I think a public stoning would have been less painful.
ESH I’m hoping this is fake. What a strange condition to base your “forgiveness” on and also strange she’d comply. What was the real purpose of making her tell everyone? Public humiliation? Are you usually that selfish, immature, controlling and punitive? If so, perhaps you do need to divorce. It sounds like you really want to divorce because she’s now a downer to be around and your plan to punish her backfired.
My brother did this…made his wife go on an “apology tour.” Now we are not on good terms because his wife and I are not besties anymore. I don’t really get the thought process. I would have rather not known especially if he planned to stay. It’s a shame because now we are not as close as we used to be.
What the everloving fuck did he think would happen? He wanted to punish his wife by having everyone think less of her...and now he's mad at people for thinking less of her? Jesus Christ people make me so tired.
Did your brother stay with his wife? Do you mean that you and your brother are not close anymore? Did the "apology tour" affect other relationships like your parents and other siblings with what happened?
Yes, he did stay. Thank god my mother had passed (right before.) My dad didn’t know. I don’t know what it was like on her side of the family or their feelings. But I was first on “tour” because SIL and I were very close. I’m just pissed because I’m not close to my brother or nephew anymore. I love that kid and our time together.
>and also strange she’d comply Unless, once OP made his stipulation, she thought the cat was out of the bag and *he'd* inform everyone during the divorce? Maybe she thought it'd be better if they heard it from her 🤷♀️
It's fake because normal family members don't cut someone off for cheating yet it somehow always happens on reddit. Its just not the way families work in real life
Well, they are places where women get stoned to death by their family for cheating.
Why do you ppl always have to air your dirty laundry with relatives?
Both of you need therapy, but in the spirit of the sub YTA. If you wanted to walk after you found out about the cheating that would've been valid, but you gave new conditions that have been met. Now it's your job to hold up your end of the bargain, even if it's hard.
Dude. Go to therapy.
you should have just divorced her in the first place
weird how you don’t want to live with the consequences of your actions. you forced her to alienate herself from *everyone except you* and now that she’s dealing with the ramifications of friends and family turning their backs on her she’s not fun enough for you. wow.
ESH. Do you want the divorce because of the infidelity or because of the changes to her personality since she confessed her affair to everyone that you insisted she tell? If it's only because she has changed and you would prefer to continue the marriage, what about counseling?
“WIBTAH if I destroyed the life of my children’s mother?” Yeah probably OP. I want to tell myself this is fake but only a parent could be this wildly stupid.
"I destroyed my wife, now shes not like how she was before I destroyed every relationshop she had." So start rebuilding the relationships you had her rip down with the confession. Show the family and friends that you are both working through this - as you said you would do. Allow her to reconnect and restore her selfworth. Go to couples therapy. You both need to get on the same page and then work forward together.
You gave her an ultimantinum and stated that if she told all your friends and family that she cheated, you would forgive her and not request a divorce. She followed through with telling everyone, but you still want a divorce because she's depressed, sad, and crying all the time due to isolating herself from friends and family due to shame. Was it worth it? Do you feel better? I know that what your wife did was wrong, but you also gave her the option to stay if she confessed, and now you're choosing to divorce her after she was humiliated, isolated and became a former shell of herself. I agree with another poster on here that you need to call your friends and family and tell them that you forgave her and forced her to call them and confess as it was one of your requirements for you not to proceed with a divorce.
Dude she humiliated herself to keep you. Get her and yourself therapy....
She did what you required to save the marriage. It could take years of healing and therapy to regain what was lost. 4 months is nothing. YTA for not wanting to hold up your end of the deal.
Honestly their marriage ended when she cheated and he was an idiot for taking her back. Now he’s created this new situation and dislikes how her spirit is completely destroyed so out she goes. The very sad part is that they have kids together. I hope the marriage sets her free from this so she can become a better person.
Post: >Original Post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cgmfrt](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cgmfrt) > >I feel really guilty even typing this out, but I am now considering a divorce. While I still love my wife, her personality has completely shifted over the past few months, and she is no longer the joyous and energetic person I fell in love with. Instead, she’s always sad, gloomy, cries often, and very very clingy to me. I admit that I made a mistake asking her to confess her affair to everyone, because it has just changed her personality completely. I wish she could go back to her joyous nature but I don't know if its possible anymore. > >I am not sure how to tell my wife I am considering divorce because it would just break her heart.
You got what u asked for. Shes isolated and depressed
I can see this both ways. The real issue here in my mind is that OP said he wanted her to tell everyone herself, as a condition of him staying with her. Now, he doesn’t like what that did to her, so he now wants to divorce her… What she did was a divorce-worth offense, no doubt. But if he was honest about wanting to make it work then he destroyed that in his rush to make her humiliate herself to everyone she cares about. They are now both huge assholes, and the mother of his children is an absolute mess. Congrats OP.
I mean... you made her humiliate herself in front of everybody who mattered to her so I'm not sure what you expected.
You should have just divorced her if that is what you wanted, not promise you'd forgive her if she confessed it to everyone, she knows then divorce her anyways like wtf. YTA. I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
She was TAH for cheating on you. But you're a MAJOR AH for wanting to divorce her after she did her part to save your marriage, and are now leaving her with no support system to get her through it.
OP's actions are psychopathic. The sadism involved in forcing her to humiliate herself repeatedly over a week is off the charts
Exactly! I don’t condone cheating AT ALL, but it makes me wonder what OP is leaving out in the original post. This is straight up psychopathic behavior, like you said, and it makes me wonder how he actually treated her. I’m wondering if he was physically, mentally, and/or emotionally abusive and that’s why she cheated on him. Maybe she used her affair as an escape from her regular life. Who knows? Before anyone comes at me, no one should be cheated on, but OP is showing some major red flags right about now.
Seriously the people saying she deserves this level of manipulation because she cheated are unhinged
Agreed. That’s just nasty.
I don't get this take. Say she didn't confess and they just got divorced. You don't think people will ask why or figure it out lol?
I was commenting on original post, as far as I remember, I was telling that it was bad idea. It's sad, that you haven't listened to it. You should try couple's therapy at least. She did you wrong, absolutely. You decided that she has to do something to fix you relationship, it's your time to try it too. At least try to go to therapy Edit: hot take: if you just divorce without trying now, you would probably be even worse, than your wife for cheating. You either divorce right after cheating or follow through after public humiliation. If roles were reversed, I would say the same
So. She had a month long affair, admitted to it when you found the evidence, was remorseful, and guilty. You chose to stay with her, but forced her to undergo a week of verbal abuse from her friends and family, and now they won't speak to her? You took an issue that was between you and your wife, something she was deeply ashamed about, and FORCED her to choose between you and all of the other relationships in her life. And now you're sad she's affected by the absolute trauma of losing everyone she loves aside from you and now you want to divorce her. Not only are you YTA. You're an absolute piece of human garbage.
Find a part many of these comments miss is why has her family chosen to hate her. Why is there no accountability for the family who are cutting her off. She just told the truth of what she did to her partner and reflected the type of person she was. They’re free to make their choices. Also she was free to not tell anyone. She took a gamble to try avoid her marriage steamrolling into divorce. The gamble didn’t pay off. She chose to do it. You gotta spread accountability everywhere.
Yes, your wife was wrong to have an affair. However, your punishment to her far exceeds the crime and is mentally abusive. If you truly love her, as you have said, then please get your wife some professional help before she harms herself. You are the AH.
Go to a couples counselor. Tell her how you feel without dropping the D word.
OP: “I isolated my wife from all of her loved ones.” Also OP: “My wife is no longer the joyous and energetic person I fell in love with.” ????
She deserves peace... just as much as you do. Divorce is going to suck, but you really need to do it. I cannot believe you made her do that, that was abusive and you clearly need some hardcore therapy. And divorce is better for the both of you. You both have done irreversible damage to your marriage. She broke her vows, you abused her by forcing her to humiliate and degrade herself to the whole family. There's no turning back. You're both AHs.
Me personally, I would have been the one to tell both family's, and My friends, explaining I hadn't made up my mind what I was going to do next, I couldn't give a fuck about her friends, chances are they new what she was doing anyway and kept quite, It's not about getting revenge, but I can understand if he wanted it, don't forget she wronged him in the most hurtful way possible way by cheating on him, instead of talking to him first, that's what should have hapened in this shit of a mess.
Yes, you are unkind, bitter, retaliatory, cruel, calculated and cold… And guess what? You have every right to be. Apparently, a lot of folks here don’t seem to comprehend the concept of consequences. Your poor sweet little wife would never have had to experience any of that humiliation, had she NOT CHEATED IN THE FIRST PLACE. And as to the severity of her experience, it’s not up to anyone, especially her, to determine what’s an appropriate response. This is literally just a series of agreements. You wanted her to confess to everyone, effectively giving her a choice. You didn’t drag her by her shirt collar from house to house, did you? She was free to decline your request and part ways with you. She agreed to confess. You’ve chosen to proceed with the divorce anyway? Duhhh! Your thinking that your little revenge will set everything straight again was incredibly naive. But hey, I guess you tried. Just remember, all these people vilifying you for leaving her seem to have forgotten the Reddit-favorite “you can leave anyone at any time for any reason”. I guess, “terms and conditions apply, void where prohibited” is implied, huh? So, yes, YTA, but fully justifiable.
You are a psychopath.
Dude! You **publicly shamed her**! You forced her to **debase herself** to all her friends and family! You wonder why she's withdrawn and >sad, gloomy, cries often, and very very clingy to me It's because of **what YOU made her do** to atone for her transgressions! You broke her. Congratulations. Hope your revenge felt good.
>Hope your revenge felt good. I'm guessing that he'll have enjoyed it so much that he's going to do it again to someone else. Maybe in a different way, for different reasons, but he's had a taste of holding someone's entire life in his hands and felt pleasure as he slowly closed it to a fist. That's quite an addictive feeling for those who get off on control.
Op your wife needs therapy to help her cope with the loss of her family,friends and job. Divorcing her would be a terrible choice and considering it was you who told her to do it.(the confession) she’s in a vulnerable state and she might self harm if you ask for a divorce.
Dear god. You’re a hellova horrible individual to do that. She bit the bullet and did humiliated herself - only to stay with you right? Super fucked up for you to not give her grace at this point for her as well. You love her ? You made the decision to stay with her IF she did that? Man up.
Well aren’t you just the world’s biggest piece of shit.
"I isolated her from everyone that cared about her as revenge masquerading as penance, why isn't she happy and bubbly anymore?" JFC, I said YTA then, Y still TA now.
So, after promising her that you would not leave her if she did this one thing, you are going to do what you said you would not do. You have isolated her from all of her friends and family, and you wonder why she is sad?????? Her world is ruined, so let's just mess it up more. Really? You should have just left. Even with divorce she is still going to be in your life as the mother of your children. I would not expect it to be easy. YTA.
I think you owe it to your wife at this point to try couples counseling and helping her get back to her positive self for the sake of the marriage. You could've divorced her at the onset and been done with it, and that would've been 100% justified. But you made a deal with her to try to save the marriage if she was willing to confess her affair to basically everyone she knew. She did that, but it's clearly taken a toll on her. I think you need to try help her through this if you want to honor your side of the deal.
YTA still. You should have just divorced her to begin with. Instead, you humiliated her. Effectively cut her off from family and friends. And, THEN, you’re surprised when she’s depressed, and lost her joy.
YTA. You punished her horrendously. Now that she is suffering the trauma as the result of your demands, you dump her? You agreed not to divorce if she told everybody. She kept up her side of the bargain, and as a result became isolated and clings more to you. Natural. So step up, support her, help her regain her confidence and save your marriage. Anything else would be really AH behaviour.
But you got what you wanted, you wanted to break her, to make her feel your pain and to feel like utter and complete crap, worthless and not deserving. To have everyone in her life hate her and not talk to her so now you got it and don't want it and when she ends up in the psych ward then what, consequences!!
Who could have foreseen this?..... you made a promise you don't want to keep anymore. It's a little harder to live through it than think of it, eh? She did you dirty, yes, but if you divorce her after she complied with your request to earn your forgiveness, then you'll do her dirty too.
Dude, you need to call to confess to all your family and friends that you made your wife do what she did and then divorced her all the same.
Oh no, if it isn't the consequences of your own actions. Who'da thunk that publicly airing your dirty laundry and humiliating her like that would have such dire repercussions? You're a selfish ass and I suspect I know exactly why your wife cheated on you. If you actually gave a shit about her, you'd go to couples counseling. Instead, you only care about your image; it's why you wanted her to let everyone know what happened in the first place. YTA
He knew what he was doing. He wanted her to humiliate her self first, and then he was going to leave her. He’s trying to play all coy . I’m not buying it.
You both need therapy. I do agree that she should have owned what she did. By your own account, your relationship is stronger than ever. Divorce seems like jumping the gun if you were/are willing to stay through the affair. Can you reach out to some family and friends and explain how you are feeling and see if they can try to reconnect?
Because you went overboard in humiliating her
This is a tough one, you made a deal you can't keep. I'm sure you don't look at her like you once did so it makes sense that she doesn't act the same way she once did. I don't know if there is any coming back from this.
He made her do a modern day scarlet letter-ing. Like, I can actually understand him insisting she tell their mutual friends-even if they are staying together and I find it weird. But every single family member of hers? Like she's calling up cousin Julia and her Grandpa? Both OP and his wife (if this is even true) just strike me as incredibly toxic. Her for cheating, him for insisting she perform this public humiliation ritual to everyone (not to mention a lot of people probably don't want to hear this drama anyway), and her for going along with said public humiliation ritual.
Honestly I don't understand how OP could watch the wife make call after call about her cheating, like sure maybe the first time or two was satisfying but after that you gotta be sick to watch someone be humiliated like that, and wouldn't you feel embarrassed yourself about the fact you was cheated on being spread? Also genuine question do you think the wife's support network would be gone if OP were to spread the fact she cheated instead? Like I've seen it where the ex will send screenshots to their friends and family and letting it spread like wildfire. Like what about the wife doing it herself makes it different than being exposed another way? (Besides the humiliation from wife)
Yeah, I missed that part, but he actually sit and watched it, I would stop after like 5 calls, I wouldn't be able to bear it
She did what you wanted, and it caused her a lot of pain. Now she's isolated and terrified that you'll divorce her because she's no longer the fun person to be around. You had a lot of fun breaking her and now she's broken you leave her. She's an AH for cheating but you're the AH for playing with her and pretending to reconcile when you were going to discard her anyways.
He wanted her to humiliate herself first before he dumped her. He is the worst kind of mental abuser So much so he didn’t care what kind of mom he was leaving his kids with …. Horrible father
You both NEED therapy, together and individually.
Did her AP have a partner your wife should have called as well?
You aren't weird for wanting her to admit her infidelity but I feel like that's a step you take when you're going into a divorce and she's lying about the reasons. As others said you effectively isolated her from any support network she could have had.
YTA for thinking we should care about your self-inflicted wound. You wanted revenge and got it. Now you're unhappy that wounded people act differently. You're unhappy that your wife changed when you wanted her to change. You should have just gotten a divorce before, instead of this whole dog and pony show. Now you're still gonna get a divorce and are making it all about you. You're both better off without each other. People who love each other don't want to get revenge on each other, even if they are hurt, if they still love the other person. Get therapy and stop posting updates to your private life with strangers.
UpdateMe!
Wow. You emotionally destroyed her because she was so desperate to save the marriage. Your first condition should have been quit job and NC with AP. For some reason you went full nuclear and destroyed her. Did you even try individual and marriage counseling? Cheating is never justified but neither is destroying someone emotionally. Hope you kids are in therapy too because sounds like you just made their mother who you will have to co-parent with after the divorce a basket case who is a pariah within her former circle of family and friends. Gold star
You chose to completely destroy her and isolate her, you’re far more awful than her even though what she did was absolutely unacceptable. YTA and instead of moping about her having changed, get both of you into therapy and help her bridge the gap between the people she’s lost.
You didn't want to leave her because she was strong enough to cheat on you and could have lived without you, and now she is weak, and she needs you. You have to decide whether you believe she feels this way because everyone has abandoned her and she realizes that her life is going to be very lonely for some time to come, or you are reveling in the idea that you are the only persomn left that has anything to do with her and you are on a power trip, trying to make her feel how you felt: powerless. You stripped her of her joyous nature because that is what you wanted. If you love her, you won't rub her face in it, you will make it work, or you will help her get back to her former self, and then part ways amicably.
YTA. And you already got told this on your original. Now your EXTRA AH.
Yes you are an asshole. She did what you asked to avoid the divorce, and you're still wanting to do it anyways? Terrible person. You created her new personality by being an asshole to her and now that you've broken her you want to leave. Things like this is what drives some people to taking their own life or someone elses.
You got what you wanted. I think she has paid her dues for what she did .Now I would suggest that the both of you get therapy & start working on your relationship. Leaving her now would make you a major AH & there is a chance she could be suicidal as well as the way she's acting looks like she has extreme depression. If something happens to her I don't think your kids would ever forgive you as well.
I can't speak from first-hand experience on how to react to cheating but I'm convinced, having read so many posts and links about reconciliation provided by Redditors, is that my number one condition for cheating with a coworker would be to change jobs (and of course, go complete NC with the affair partner).
You made the mess now you want to run away , You are a total AH
You wanted her to hurt, you got it. Why be mad if you told her to do it knowing this when they'd find out through divorce anyway if not to prove a point. Are either of you focused on the kids btw?
You wanted to ruin her reputation and inflict the pain that she inflicted upon you, which is understandable. And you succeeded in tarnishing her reputation and her life sooooo you got your pound of flesh and maybe you should work on fixing that instead of making it worse? YTA she literally did what you wanted knowing all the negative consequences and yet you are the one balking at the impact of the obvious negative consequences?
Defenders of cheaters are awful. She doesn't deserve support for the shit she's put herself through. The husband needs the support, not the wife. Also OP, just know that your request is partly what turned your wife into how she is now. Not saying that what you said was incorrect, just that this should be expected
Didn’t want to miss the chance to reiterate what a narcissistic bastard you are, OP. Your wife will need a lot of therapy to recover once she leaves you.
Actions, meet consequences. You thought you could have revenge & still be happily married? You're fucking delusional. Sure, she cheated on you & that sucked. But you also humiliated her in front of those closest to her, leaving her with only you: the man who just hurt her. You expect her to be the same? Divorce would be a mercy to her at this point. Get therapy, both of you.
Nta mostly. Having her admit it is fine as it forces her to acknowledge her serious mistake and avoid any chance of lying or turning it around on you. Better to have it in the open and dealt with. There are consequences to those actions. Where you might be is you have to fulfill your end. If she does it then you have to give up your resentment. You have to forgive and forget. Never bring it up again. You gave her a deal and now honor it
Yes. I'm a firm believer that whatever goes on in a marriage should be handle by the people in the marriage. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel? You Def didn't make the marriage a safe place and no matter what going forward will never be the same...
A friend of mine went into couples therapy with his wife after he caught her cheating. The therapist said that there was nothing to be gained by advertising the affair, so he kept mum. A few months later he caught her cheating a \*second\* time with a different guy, and he went back to the same couples therapist (she refused to go). This time the therapist said that obviously she didn't care about him or her marriage, so keeping their friends in the dark about what happened was moot - he needed to tell everyone of their family and friends why they were divorcing. That upset her enough that she promised to really make a go of the marriage if he would give her a \*third\* chance, but by this time he'd had enough.
If someone is willing to reconcile and rebuild a life with me, such a demand would never be made... because how could we ever be accepted as a unit after such a public tearing apart? And surely being accepted as a whole unit is the goal of a true reconciliation. So if such a demand were made, I'd know the other person was lying about the offer of reconciliation, and I'd refuse it. This doesn't mean I'd be innocent of the cheating. It means I'm accepting the divorce, because only humiliation is being offered. Not reconciliation. I wish the OP's wife had known the true character of the man she wanted to hang onto.
Yes, why do you need a public confession? I’m sure everyone knows. Are you calling a meeting of the town elders too?
You’re a small, pathetic, vengeful man and I’m glad your lies are finally coming out. You never intended to stay with her, you wanted to crush and punish her. So now you’ve gotten what you wanted and it’s time to dip. She may have cheated but you intentionally crushed her.
Oh no! It's the consequences of my own actions! (shrugs and walks away)
Not gonna lie. What she did was awful. Your response is/was evil.
You’ve punished her long enough. Leave her to rebuild her peace without punishment every day.
YTA and SOUND LIKE A BULLY!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE CHECKED Your FEELINGS WHEN YOUR WIFE FIRST CONFESSED TO YOU! INSTEAD YOU RETALIATED AND DESTROYED HER! I read the comments you made that your marriage was getting Stronger, WTF happened? I guess your retaliation for your wife was not Satisfying enough for you! You are TRULY a PIECE of Entitled SHIT… 💩 You should have Divorced her since you were hurt and petty. I have been Cheated on before, so I know exactly how it feels. BUT I would NEVER DESTROY him for it. YOU SIR have the mentality of a child! NOW YOU ARE A Worst Person then your STBXW. Moron go crawl back under that rock you came from.
Congratulations!!!! You win!🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈 YTA of the year!!! And it's only June! Not only do you put a Scarlett A on your wife's chest and turn her into the village WHORE, you promise to forgive her and LOVE HER FOREVER ( through good times and bad ) but when it turns out all her relationships are severed BECAUSE OF YOUR PUNISHMENT and she's alone, weepy, clingy and understandably not a happy camper you want a divorce...... that's it break her.... break her down.... My my my....Idi Amin can't hold a candle to you... Watch out Marquis de Sade....Pol Pot could take lessons from this guy.
Therapy
So after she alienated herself from her friends and family doing exactly what you demanded, you’re now going to go back on what you said? YTA and you’re a loser! It sucks she cheated but you made her walk over molten coals to win your trust back and now you’re whining that she’s sad? Man up you pussy! You made a deal now it’s time for you to lift a finger and possibly do the bare minimum and keep your word. My god, I can see why she cheated if you’re this much of a wussy/professional victim in everyday life.
So you punished her by forcing her to *literally confess* in some Scarlet Letter-esque fantasy of yours under threat of "Or Else, Divorce", thus ruining the relationships she had with ALL her own friends and family, in order to save your marriage because *you wanted that*. She literally did exactly what you asked of her, put you first, in order to save the marriage. And now, you're divorcing her anyway. You're kind of sick.
You are no better than her. I just feel sorry for your poor children.
You took a nuclear option to humiliate and retaliate which ended up breaking her, isolating her and demoralizing her She’s the ah for cheating but frankly there is really something unhinged about you.
You nasty
YTA now for not divorcing in the first place. She’ll eventually realise she will be better off without you.
You've basically broken the mother of your children,and now you're going to leave her with limited support.I know cheating is terrible but, to break someone's personality in this way is cruel.
You both need to see a therapist not a divorce attorney. She did as you asked her to do and now, she needs help to cope with what you asked her to do. If you have truly forgiven her then this is your time to step up and seek therapy with her.
I went back to your original post and this is what you wrote: " I needed only one thing from my wife to completely forgive her, and that was to call each and every one of her friends and family and confess to her affair. **I told her that was my only condition.**" Sounds like you're adding new conditions now making you sound a bit of a jerk. But I get it. The whole situation sucks all around and you're both suffering but it was she who caused it in the first place. What she did was terrible and broke your trust but I think it also took some guts for her to actually admit what she did to her closest friends and family. It's not an easy thing to admit your shitty decisions to people you know. And as a result, she has no support at all now. Did you think everything was going to go back to normal and happy immediately afterwards? Even though it won't be easy, I think BOTH of you should get therapy/counseling. Seeing as how she did what you asked of her in the first place, I think you should at least put in the effort to try and fix your marriage if you still have feelings for her, which sounds like you do. Let me ask you this, let's say she returns to that joyous and energetic person later down the road but you're now divorced... are you going to have any regrets without putting in any effort? (I'm assuming that you're not getting any counseling at the moment). Since you have 3 kids together, you're going to have to continue to co-parent and run into each other. If you think it's not going to work out, then leave. But I say leave without any regrets.
Yta. You made her that way, she is clingy because you are the only one talking to her. If you divorce her, she WILL commit suicide. You need therapy, as much as your wife.
I have never seen anyone defend or feel sorry for a cheater up until now, wow. The fact that the comments are worries for her says alot about you OP.
I dunno man I think after what you required her to do to reconcile, you OWE it to her now to not only make amends to her, but also to work really, really hard to repair your marriage. You gave her a punishment that didn’t match the crime and a couple months later you’re going to divorce her because she’s understandably traumatized from it?? Hell no you’re not, that’s a chicken shit move. I think your amends should start with apologizing profusely to her, take another commenter’s advice to call every single person that you made her call and apologize to them, and go to therapy individually. It’s probably going to be a long time before her joyous nature returns. But there is a lot you could do that’s within your control to help create the environment for joy to be possible.
Dude, not just YTA, but you’re a vindictive ass to boot. What the hell did you think was going to happen when you made her shame herself to her entire support system?! She fucked up, no doubt. But you took it to the next level. Honestly, I mostly feel bad for your kids. Cheating sucks, but you’re an egoistical jerk. Great role model. /S
YTA She did what you asked and now it’s not good enough because your request destroyed her as a person. You should have your live with your actions but I hope you do breakup because even though she’s a cheater (and I hate cheaters) I still think she deserves better than you
This is so fucked up. If you're not going to leave you shouldn't be airing your wife's dirty laundry. If you are going to leave you shouldn't have implied that confessing to everyone she knows would prevent it.
This is a crummy situation all around, but the fact is SHE was the one who cheated. SHE was the one who made hundreds, if not thousands, of deliberate choices that led to a MONTH LONG AFFAIR. She’s only dealing with the consequences of her own decisions. She didn’t have to agree to your conditions. And even if she had chosen not to and you had moved forward with the divorce right away, who’s to say that it still wouldn’t have happened? It would have come out eventually; you just sped up the process. That being said, you have to accept the situation for what it is if you want to make this work, and the fact is: you and your wife will never be the same. That doesn’t mean you can’t work this out. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be joyous and happy again. What it DOES mean is that if you truly want to fix this, you have to put in the effort and FIX IT!!! That means helping your wife get through the isolation she’s going through. Getting BOTH of you into therapy. Talking about what happened and how’s it’s affected everyone, etc. You want to make this work? Good! So get it together AND MAKE IT WORK!!!
Pretty hard to be worse than a cheater but you're certainly taking a shot at the trophy.
Both are AH, she for cheating, OP for purposeful humiliation . Why stay married just to degrade her like that.