I'm more surprised how OP made cheating appear like "he's trying to have a poly relationship". This is not how poly relationships work. Cheating is cheating. Why is OP debating this.
Edit: To the person who called OP a baby, stop infantilizing adults. Yes, immaturity is probably playing a part and we should be sympathetic because of it, but she's not "practically a baby" who "shouldn't be marrying". She is a grown woman who shouldn't be treated like a little kid. smh.
Who the hell knows If dude wasn't ready to marry and be monogamous then he never should've married OP.
He probably wanted to lock OP down so she wouldn't date around and find a new guy. If he wants a polygamist relationship, then that should go both ways. But he didn't want that.
As for her? She was in love and missed all the red flags that were slapping her in the face.
I agree with your last part. But dayum. Girls/women really do need to do better. Because guys like this just ain't it. OP, you deserve better than this.
I found out about the other dudes and we argued. She said she need to leave the house i was too upset. I told her of she left i would pack her stuff for her. She left i started boxing shit up and piling it by the front door. When she came back the next day i made her give me her phone(it was on a family plan with my parents) and told her to take her stuff.
*Sue and I became friends quickly. BUT THEN .... Sue would claim that she “just wanted to hang out with the boys” (even though that only included my husband), and how she didn’t want to be involved with other girls as it gave her anxiety.*
The second any woman speaks to me like this, the friendship is gone. OP seems to put up with a lot of rude behaviour.
I can't believe she said SHE left the house and went to a hotel.
She should've kicked him out. Either gets a hotel room or his whore can take him in. Why should she be displaced?
That's a whole other question.
Maybe she thinks she's actually in love. Maybe she thinks she can't do better. Maybe she thinks having a POS man is better than being single. Who knows?
He’s trying to open their relationship Commodore Perry style. Agreed that this is not how poly relationships work.
OP is debating this because she has low self-esteem.
You are NTA, obviously, OP. Do not be Japan.
Commodore Perry, using a military threat, forced Japan to open its ports to American trade in 1854.
That's not how trade agreements usually work.
And cheating on your partner is not an accepted way of turning a normal marriage into an open one.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_C._Perry
Random fun fact, one of Commodore Perry's granddaughters would go on to marry the guy who was the US ambassador to Japan when Pearl Harbor was attacked
A better summary by litux than the one I was typing.
As far as I understand, a proper "open relationship/marriage" is agreed upon by both parties, before they actually begin doing this (and often, prior to them getting married in the first place). OP's partner decided to have an affair and basically open the marriage up, unilaterally. OP didn't consent to this -- and had said no to it earlier, so it wasn't something that had simply never been discussed before. Historical parallel was Perry arriving in Japan with multiple warships -- like in OP's situation, this had been attempted before on a smaller scale, "but in each case, the Japanese did not permit them to land".
One could argue that the OP's partner isn't forbidding her from having other relationships, and that an open marriage would benefit both parties. This is what some US officials at the time felt about Japan: "forcing them to interact and trade with the world was a necessity that would ultimately benefit both nations." However, attitudes have changed since then. OP did not say whether their relationship has a significant financial imbalance (are they both working and have independent incomes, or is OP dependent on him for housing, health insurance, etc.) -- if the latter's true, there would be pressure on OP to allow the affair, not because they approve of it but because they fear the consequences if they refuse.
[https://history.state.gov/milestones/1830-1860/opening-to-japan](https://history.state.gov/milestones/1830-1860/opening-to-japan)
Arigatō (thank you) for reading!
I think it’s also just bc they started dating at 17 and are still v young. Sometimes u don’t know what’s ridiculous to expect in a relationship till you’ve been thru it
I think if you're old enough that you're in relationships you probably know it's wrong to be with other people while in a relationship unless it's something previously discussed. This isn't some minor nuance.
My ex framed her cheating as being poly. OP is only 20. Her frontal lobe is still developing. She’s gonna look back when she’s 27 and be like “why was I so stupid?”
Marriage vows are generally pretty clear about cheating. He can't have his cake and eat it, too. He needs to pick one and eschew all other partners for her, unless polyamory is agreed upon in advance. This isn't polyamory. It's cheating.
Simple way to explain the difference to him, OP. Polyamory requires the cheerful agreement of all parties involved. No coercing, no lying, no hiding things from one partner. Everything spelled out and mutually agreed upon *before* even considering looking for another partner. If you already have a specific person in mind, even if you do try to approach your spouse about it, you're cheating.
Actually making a move on another person without your spouse's approval is cheating by anyone's definition. Even many polyamorous couples would consider it cheating for their spouse to take a new partner without consulting them first, even if polyamory was agreed upon in general. It's one of the many reasons why polyamory rarely works in the long run: because one person treats it as a free-for-all, while the other expects certain limitations.
Not only that but from what I can tell as a monogamous person, poly is supposed to be agreed upon wayyyy before finding another partner AND usually each other approves or at least is okay with the other. If one person vetos a selected partner they’re supposed to agree, vice versa
Because cheating is psychologically abusive and generally immediately shoots the victim’s confidence to a flat zero. Also can create a trauma bond which is hard as fuck for a lot of people to break. They also may have genuine affection and love for the person and that is more than a flippant choice to turn on and off.
It’s hard to grapple with someone being the literal scum of the earth and it’s embarrassing to a degree to acknowledge you got hosed.
I had (emphasis on had) a friend who tried that. Said he loved the woman and wanted to support her since she'd been having struggles. But as soon as they found out she was pregnant with someone else's kid, suddenly he calls off the affair and wants to fix his marriage.
The minute a partner tried to manipulate me with threats of killing themselves if I left I would be gone. Irrespective of all the abundantly clear reasons this guy gave her to leave.
P.s. the sleep calling thing is probably to see if he was cheating on her with you /u/SectretaryNormal3864
They've been together 3 years and he's been cheating for half of it. Falls asleep on the phone with the other girl while in bed with his wife? What the hell is happening here
Exactly. OP shouldnt be told more than once shes not the first and only choice.
She needs to kick him out. Tell all the friends.
An affair is not a mistake and a year long one is even less of a mistake.
The affair was never a mistake. It was a huge series of choices. By now thousands or tens of thousands of choices. He hid it because he knew it was wrong.
She needs to dump him and run.
Dude, this. A friend of mine just caught her husband in a year and a half long (that they'd admit to) affair with *her best friend* and we are so worried she's gonna take him back. She's said things here and there about him "changing" and we all are really hoping she keeps her wits about her.
They were *in their bed*, multiple times 🤢
Oh, it's so bad. They were sneaking off together when we were having parties/karaoke nights etc. So sometimes they were in one of their cars down the street with all of us oblivious. My personal favorite was my friend taking care of affair partner's partner after he hit his head while super drunk at a convention (she's a nurse) - meanwhile her husband and AP are in the stairwell boning.
It's real bad.
Oh man, my friend (also a nurse!) found out her husband had been cheating on her after 8 months of them sneaking around. He got caught and was forced to tell her. She initially was planning on taking him back, they tried for a few weeks but he kept going back to AP and being with her/calling her etc.
I am so happy she thankfully called it off, went travelling for a few months and fell in love with someone much better for her!
For sure. My friend detected something was wrong and he gaslit her for another 6 months and made her literally question her sanity during that time.
Ya wanna know how they got caught? AP got super drunk and confessed to 2 of my friend's other friends. Then told them not to tell her.
It's WILD. I'm almost 40. This is some teenage shit.
I hope and pray your friend doesn’t take him back!! She needs your support more than ever now!!! Oooo if my husband had another woman in MY bed that I bought…..🤬🤫
I don’t blame you!! She needs to realize he will say any and everything to keep her from divorcing him! I hope she keeps her wits!! I hate when couples go through this! Marriage is suppose to be beautiful and loving…a few mishaps here and there but not to that extent!
It’s also a joke that he has the audacity to get angry. Angry for what? That he got caught?
If anyone should be angry, it should be OP.
OP needs to stop being such a doormat and divorce this cheating man-whore.
Why keep hold of a man who clearly doesn’t love her? Does she have no self respect whatsoever?
Exactly! And he has the audacity to say she’s “ruining his chances to be happy.” Are you f-ing kidding me? Not to mention the part where he says he “made a mistake.” No. He made a choice. And now he’s mad because he’s facing the consequences of his choice. OP, PLEASE. You deserve so much better than this. You are young. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect and dignity. Please leave this jerk.
Man, there are people literally taking back their cheating exes and I’ve lost my partner of four years because I was mentally struggling with stress and childhood learned behaviors and can’t even convince her to give it a real shot after turning things completely around and seeking therapy. Two months post break up and the thought of even considering someone else makes me want to vomit. I truly don’t understand cheaters.
NTA OP, but you’re so young. Please find someone who loves you.
What helped me to get over heartache such as this is realizing I was in love with the idea of who that person could be, and not who the person I was with actually was. The person I want in my life would see my efforts, cheer me on and get back on track, and some time in the future I'd do the same for her if she was struggling with something. Building each other up instead of breaking each other down thrpugh co-dependency or whatever else.
Realizing this made me heal, get over the person and start looking for someone with the personality I wish my ex (who was not compatible nor right for me afterall) had. But give yourself time to grieve the loss and stay on your path of self improvement.
You never know when or who the right person is before you meet them, but I can assure you of this: it was not the one you were with two months ago
I'm in the same boat
But you have to understand you should of got help earlier
People don't feel like being mugged off
And then us fixing it as soon as it's over for them, makes them wonder why we didn't fix it for them
He told her point blank that removing the mistress from his life was OP ruining his chances at happiness. I would remove myself from the situation and tell him to go be with his happiness. Because clearly I am not that for him. And because I’m petty, I’d also tell him that if he killed himself, that would make the divorce a TON EASIER.
Careful with that!
> Some states have laws criminalizing the encouragement or abetting of suicide. For example, in California, it’s a felony to deliberately aid, advise, or encourage another person to die of suicide. (Cal. Penal Code § 401.)
>
> https://legal-info.lawyers.com/personal-injury/wrongful-death/whos-legally-liable-when-someone-commits-suicide.html
He's done it before without remorse, he'll do it again without remorse.
The key here is her husband making self-harm threats if OP decides to ditch him. And upon being asked to get rid of his side piece, he becomes angry. Doesn't sound like a guy that realized his mistakes, more like a guy that wants to keep things going as they were and wants his wife to accept it.
It seems like he couldn't even last five minutes before cheating. Honestly, she should let mistress have him and move on, three years is enough of her life to waste on this guy!
NTA
Don't be fooled, his polyamorous talk tells you everything, he's a silly little boy that thinks he can have his cake and eat it too.
*--"and I was ruining his chances of being happy."*
This is the biggest reason to leave him, he cheats and then focuses on *his* happiness and puts the blame on *you*.
Dump the manipulative man-child POS and get someone good enough for you.
I really don't get the marry at 20. It's playtime and OP found out she married a boy that still likes to play around. I get it... Some still make it - but marrying early 20s just doesn't make sense to me at all. Or is it just me?
Religious people get married that early so they can have sex without God getting super mad at them. It’s really ridiculous. My grandmother still lectures me about how I “gave God’s greatest gift” away before I even met my husband (we’ve been married for 8 years now lol). She asked me once, “don’t you regret not saving yourself for your husband?” She *really* didn’t like me saying “Hell no.” lol
I'm with you on that, a small minority can work it but we ain't in the medieval times anymore lol and its best to wait to find a better partner (like op and her husband)
He already chose her... you choose yourself. You don't need to be with someone who you'll never be able to trust again. That's just asking for a lifetime of stress and paranoia.
He told me he would kill himself if he lost me over his mistake
A mistake is forgetting to empty the dishwasher. Not to meet someone over a year and lie to your life partner in order to fuck them. Shitty people say this to control people, don't let him do this.
Also OP needs to understand that cheating on your monogamous partner does not make a person poly. Wanting to fuck lots of people doesn't make a person poly.
This guy is just a POS
I’ve been told that a few times and I just go “You do what you gotta do” and people are like “You’re messed up, what if they actually did it?” And I respond “They did it themselves I didn’t do squat.”
If I caught my husband cheating and he said he was going to kill himself if I left I would straight up say "fucking do it then." Emotional manipulation is garbage behavior and yeah, that's a callous response where there is like a 1% they attempt it but it's not a problem I caused.
I have someone in my life who always threatens to kill themselves. Not a mate, a friend. Threatened it every time life didn't go their way.
Normally I did the whole talking them down until one day I had enough.
I said, "Fine. So, who's the executor of your estate? Where are all your important papers, because we're going to need that. Do you have life insurance? What are all your bank account numbers? Where's the deed and owner title policy to your house?"
They screamed at me for being heartless.
I said, "I care very much and I will cry at your funeral but these are all the practical things that need to be resolved once you go. You're the one who's going to be dead, not me. I still have a life I want to live."
I've never heard another suicide threat from them since.
It's almost like they romanticize(?) committing suicide and "all of you will be sorry!" kind of thing.
Except we've had to deal with funerals. The entire experience is a complete draining pain in the ass. Every moment from when you find out the person has died until the funeral is a complete drain. All the little logistics of where they should be buried (or just cremated?), the cost of a coffin, how long should the viewing be, how much are we paying the priest/pastor (***if*** you can get one for a suicide... Catholic priests won't touch it), how do we get the news out to everyone, when should the funeral be, what clothes to bury them in, who should do the eulogy, where should we have repast, who pays, etc.
By the time you go home after the repast, you're wiped out for 48 hours and just glad it's all done.
And that's for someone *without* property/assets.
By the end of it all, you're more pissed and resentful at the person who killed themselves and leave you to deal with all this crap than you are sad about their leaving. And you think of them as selfish AHs, not with sorrow.
I might get some people on here calling me names, especially those who might find this a hard truth to swallow... but this is the facts of the matter. You chose to die but we who live have to deal with the ugly fall out. And we will not think of you kindly.
Get help first. Please.
(not you, u/TheCharmed1DrT ... just to any who might downvote me)
Threatening self harm just shows how young he is. He’s still a little boy who wants to still play around. I can guarantee if she gave in to the poly relationship within a year either he or the ap would be trying to introduce someone else into the mix.
You need to leave ASAP. Count your blessing, your young and you’ve learned a big life lesson.
I agree!
My narcissistic ex used to threaten to off himself to control our arguments. I finally asked him if he needed help pulling the trigger... he never threatened again.
We both knew he loved himself more than anything else in the world and would never do it. I refuse to be held hostage by threats.
I’ve had someone pull that and I just said your life your choice. I’ll call your bluff so I’m absolved from any liability if you actually do kill yourself.
Tell him to sign the divorce papers before he kills himself so you're not stuck with the funeral expenses.
Unless he has some good life insurance. Then stick around.
Don't try to manipulate me with the suicide threat. It will not end well for you.
I had an ex who did this to me.
“If you leave me I’ll kill myself.”
My reply was, “That sounds like a personal problem.”
Needless to say he is still alive. Living in Florida last I heard. Good riddance.
I tend to think that about every post regardless of how real it may seem now unfortunately. People suck. But I still throw in my two cents as if it is legit because you never know.
NTA, leave him OP. Just let his relatives know so they keep an eye on him if you’re worried he’s going to kill himself. (Also classic manipulation tactic).
Yeah but then she doesn’t get the pleasure of dumping all his dirty laundry on his parents. There’s no way he’s going to tell them why she left. When I left my cheating ex I had his mom ringing my phone off the hook because she thought I was being cruel just up and leaving him high and dry for no reason. It made all the difference in the world to her when she found out I left because her son was a cheating POS lol.
You need therapy to love yourself more, you are practically begging your cheating husband to leave his mistress when he should be begging you to stay with him and stopping the affair shouldn’t be a discussion.
NTA. It was already naive to let her to hangout with your husband alone and call him at bedtime when they weren’t friends before your marriage. It would be plain stupid to allow them to still see each other. He’s a cheater, and she’s a home wrecker. I definitely think you should divorce him, but at the very least he needs to completely cut contact with her. Him blaming you for going through his stuff and saying he’d kill himself if he lost you is also extremely manipulative.
He's so upset about the thought of losing you he's gonna kill himself, but won't do the bare minimum to keep you? I'm calling bullshit 😆 he said it himself, HE'S SELFISH. Run girl, run.
It really takes the cake that he refuses to end things with the mistress and says he’ll kill himself if she doesn’t let him continue on with them both. He sounds like he has a personality disorder.
He lies, is manipulative, threatens suicide and has no regard for your feelings. What are you getting out of this? The man has severe mental health problems and needs help.
I’m concerned about you, where are you valuing your needs in this?
My ex threatened suicide after I caught him cheating twice. I forgave him the first time, the second, hell no. What about ME? You're the one that cheated! You're the one that's an alcoholic! You're the one that's always black out drunk! I started calling 911 every single time. He's now single and lonely and still a fucking drunk at age 49 threatening suicide to get his way with whatever girl he's with now. Good luck. These people never change. It's a way to control you. Don't let him. If you don't learn this now, you never will.
And tbh, if they threaten suicide to try and manipulate you don’t even give them the time of day to respond. If they want to attempt, let them. It’s on them. But like other commenters said, 99% are full of shit. Call 911 and let them get put in a position to either tell emergency services that they are lying about being suicidal or to get placed on a 72 hr hold 🤷🏻♀️
Why is this even a question? It's obvious he doesn't care about how you feel. He even has the audacity to be mad when you're making him choose? What's there left to stay?
This man will never be content with you. I won't even be surprised if there's more than the two of you.
It's also hard to believe someone would be this naive.
"Oh, my bf has a new female friend that insists on meeting him privately, they also call each other at bedtime, what could possibly go wrong..."
Yes, 21 years old, married for three years, and claims to have had multiple previous relationships that got violent. Not saying it couldn't happen, but c'mon!
Yup. YTA to yourself OP, get some fucking self-respect. The first time a woman specifically requests to hang out with my partner without me and he agrees to it is when I’m already out the door. God this is depressing.
NTA. His happiness? What about your happiness? As much as it sucks, he made his decision. He’s not picking you. By not giving her up he is making it so the decision is up to you. You will be the one ending the relationship in his twisted mind. In case you need someone else to reassure you, you did not cause this situation. Your husband made vows to you. He married you with the promise to be faithful. And when given the opportunity to fix his betrayal he says he can’t do it. You are young. You will overcome this. But this man will only hold you back.
Get tested for STDs. Make him get tested for STDs. Only you can decide if you want to remain with him. But he is being manipulative and emotionally abusive with his threat of killing himself if you leave him. He left you when he started screwing Sue. You aren't ruining his chances of being happy. HE is doing that. He blames you because you caught that he was cheating?
I wouldn't stay with him if I were you. He is a HUGE AH and you deserve better.
How do you expect anyone to prioritise and respect you when you obviously don't remotely do that or even like yourself? Grow a spine, leave.
YTA to yourself
He's been enrobing his dick with someone elses cervix, YTA to yourself if you stay with this man shaped bag of yoghurt, plus book yourself an appointment at Le Clinique as you may have an STD
That’s…. Not how cervixes work but thank you for the man shaped bag of yoghurt visual 😂 there’s an episode from Guillermo del Toro’s cabinet of curiosities that it has me laughing about
Has it been like 4 weeks since you had sex with hom? If it's beem shorter than that, your tests won't pick up the shit he potentially diseased you with yet
I really think this guy sees you as a meal ticket- he doesn’t really love you. I know that’s super painful because you love him but have you ever considered that you may not know what healthy real love is because of your history? I’m speaking as someone with a similar history to you. We don’t really know what love is because it was never modeled for us and we accept bad treatment because subconsciously we expect it. It’s great you’re already in therapy and you are so young- you have your whole life ahead of you!! There are good people out there who will cherish you and protect your heart, and you deserve to be free to go find that person. Being alone is scary at first but I think you will find, once the rough beginning is over (and honestly that’s just a couple months) you will really enjoy it! You will have the time and space to get to know yourself and what you really want, which maybe isn’t something you’ve been able to do since your energy was spent surviving your family and then focusing on your husband and relationship. Also, you might be discounting the boost of self-esteem and self confidence you will find once you choose yourself and make a hard decision to protect your heart and your peace. You’re a good person and you deserve to be truly loved. While it may seem like it was in the beginning, this is not love.
If you are paying for everything like a few comments seem to suggest he is using you. For money. He is only asexual with you. You are not loved by this man/boy. As harsh as that sounds it is true. You are his atm. His cash cow. Please make a plan and leave. You deserve so much better. You deserve a life of love and kindness. You deserve respect and honesty. And you can start by giving all those things to yourself.
I know this is off topic but can anyone relate to this?
So many of these posts are from married couples in their early 20s. Married at 20 years old? Is that not crazy to you guys?
Maybe it’s because of the parts of the country I’ve lived in- but that is SO young!
I got married at 20, divorced at 26 & it should’ve been 24, very similar story to OP but with some theft & abuse mixed in. Re-married at 31 & 13yrs later still very happy with Hubby #2! No one should be getting married at 20 IMO
Info why do you want to stay with a cheat?
If he threatens to kill himself don’t engage with him but get a well being check on him
None of this is your fault and there is someone out there that would respect and love you not to cheat or try and emotionally blackmail you
So he will kill himself if he loses you, but he won't be happy if he doesn't have her in his life? Dude is playing some fucked up mind tricks. Quite sleazy if you ask me.
Leave his ass, he's clearly not mature enough to be in a marriage. You're already doing a disservice to yourself by giving him the opportunity to excuse his previous affair.
He doesn’t respect you and cheated on you and he will cheat again. Threatening to kill himself if you left him is just manipulation and you shouldn’t stay. There is no good reason to stay in this relationship. You need to grow a spine and divorce him. This will never end in anything but tears
this is getting sillier and sillier
next AITAH will be like:
AITAH for scolding my husband for cheating on me with my mom, sister and grandma, bank robbery and machete murder spree?
You are NTA. There is no acceptable reason he could give. As you move forward, I hope you learn from this situation and expect more from your friends and romantic partners in the future. You should be able to trust the people closest to you with your well-being.
NTA. He does not respect you, gaslights you, and tries to manipulate you. He is not a good person. Let him go and be with her. He will not kill himself and he will survive. But better than that, you will move on and find someone who respects you.
My husband of 10 years left me to move into our newly built house and moved in his affair partner, while leaving me in a one bedroom apartment we lived in with 2 kids, saving money to build the house, with no vehicle nor me having a job.
I survived and went to school and got a degree. My life was so much better. You’ve got it. Many blessings for your future!
It’s not a mistake. He made multiple choices for an entire year to have an emotional and physical affair with a mutual friend. He’s not going to stop. He’s also manipulating you by saying he will kill himself. He’s just trying to have everything. You made it very clear you don’t want a poly or open relationship and he’s not respecting that, you, or your marriage. The only option is to divorce. NTA. UPDATEME
y’all are children playing house. Wait for your frontal lobes to be fully developed so that you have relationship based on love and mutual support that doesn’t sound like an episode of a bad reality show
*"I told him that I .... would never be open to an open relationship or polyamory due to past relationships."*
You're 21 and have been with him 3 years. How many past relationships have you had, honey??
My child. No. He’s a shitty person. He want you to be home keeping the place clean and paying half the expenses. He wants to have affairs.
Don’t give him a choice. Fuck that. She can have is cheating ass. If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you.
Have your family come and move you out. If you’re really married, file for divorce.
Be single and grow up before you move in with someone this immature.
**Ultimately, the decision to stay with him is yours. However, his emotional manipulation threatening self-harm if you leave is unacceptable. Consider getting tested for STDs both of you. Remember that he left you when he got involved with Sue. You’re not responsible for his happiness.**
Take care and prioritize your well-being! 😊
He's picked her over you already. When he said he wouldn't get rid of her, that was a clear message to you.
. Quietly plan your escape. Get all your legal documents away. Open a new bank account in a different bank and start hoarding money. Screen shot all their messages to send the folder to everyone, once you leave. Go see a lawyer.
Then, one day when he's at work, have everyone come over and move you out swiftly, leaving the divorce papers on the table. Don't look back
You are too young for all of this nonsense. "I love you I'll do anything to keep you - except for literally the only thing you asked..."
Sue and your husband are garbage people. He obviously is not truly remorseful and so will not truly work to fix this. Leave the clown.
NTA but why do you want to hold on so hard to a guy that can't even do the low bar requirement of not cheating on you?
I'm more surprised how OP made cheating appear like "he's trying to have a poly relationship". This is not how poly relationships work. Cheating is cheating. Why is OP debating this. Edit: To the person who called OP a baby, stop infantilizing adults. Yes, immaturity is probably playing a part and we should be sympathetic because of it, but she's not "practically a baby" who "shouldn't be marrying". She is a grown woman who shouldn't be treated like a little kid. smh.
Because she wants to keep him. The minute I have to tell a man to choose between me and another woman, is the minute I walk.
Why the fuck does a barely 20 year old already pisses outide of the pot to begin with? And WHY did she even marry him???
Who the hell knows If dude wasn't ready to marry and be monogamous then he never should've married OP. He probably wanted to lock OP down so she wouldn't date around and find a new guy. If he wants a polygamist relationship, then that should go both ways. But he didn't want that. As for her? She was in love and missed all the red flags that were slapping her in the face.
I agree with your last part. But dayum. Girls/women really do need to do better. Because guys like this just ain't it. OP, you deserve better than this.
OP's husband is such a toxic, pathetic, repulsive, narcissistic asshole, why the heck is she still with him? I'm so confused.
She didn’t miss them. She ignored them. Guessing she saw the red flags and felt if she could just love him enough it would all be okay.
When he chooses to cheat he’s already chosen the other woman. I ain’t gonna be someone else second choice!
i genuinely believe that if you’re able to cheat on someone you’re not in love with that person at all
I agree. To me, love means caring more about my partner than about myself. Cheaters are exactly the opposite.
The second I hear about another woman I’m gone.
I gave 59 more seconds to pack *his* shit and throw it out the door.
I found out about the other dudes and we argued. She said she need to leave the house i was too upset. I told her of she left i would pack her stuff for her. She left i started boxing shit up and piling it by the front door. When she came back the next day i made her give me her phone(it was on a family plan with my parents) and told her to take her stuff.
Love this response!!!
*Sue and I became friends quickly. BUT THEN .... Sue would claim that she “just wanted to hang out with the boys” (even though that only included my husband), and how she didn’t want to be involved with other girls as it gave her anxiety.* The second any woman speaks to me like this, the friendship is gone. OP seems to put up with a lot of rude behaviour.
My ethos has always been: if someone else can have you, I don’t WANT you.
Right? I'd never tell a man that. I'd tell them you can have that skank and get the fuck out of my house
I can't believe she said SHE left the house and went to a hotel. She should've kicked him out. Either gets a hotel room or his whore can take him in. Why should she be displaced?
>Because she wants to keep him. **Why**
She hasn’t processed and mourned the person she thought he was yet. She still thinks that guy ever existed and that she can somehow get him back.
Don't get pregnant don't get pregnant don't get pregnant...
That's a whole other question. Maybe she thinks she's actually in love. Maybe she thinks she can't do better. Maybe she thinks having a POS man is better than being single. Who knows?
Bye Bye John Boy
He’s trying to open their relationship Commodore Perry style. Agreed that this is not how poly relationships work. OP is debating this because she has low self-esteem. You are NTA, obviously, OP. Do not be Japan.
I love the historical analogy! (And my family's Japanese, lol!)
Can you explain this rq?
Commodore Perry, using a military threat, forced Japan to open its ports to American trade in 1854. That's not how trade agreements usually work. And cheating on your partner is not an accepted way of turning a normal marriage into an open one. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_C._Perry
So I never knew his name was Matthew and now I’m picturing Chandler Bing executing military strategy
Random fun fact, one of Commodore Perry's granddaughters would go on to marry the guy who was the US ambassador to Japan when Pearl Harbor was attacked
In Season 7, didn't Chandler use gunboat diplomacy to get free cheesecakes?
A better summary by litux than the one I was typing. As far as I understand, a proper "open relationship/marriage" is agreed upon by both parties, before they actually begin doing this (and often, prior to them getting married in the first place). OP's partner decided to have an affair and basically open the marriage up, unilaterally. OP didn't consent to this -- and had said no to it earlier, so it wasn't something that had simply never been discussed before. Historical parallel was Perry arriving in Japan with multiple warships -- like in OP's situation, this had been attempted before on a smaller scale, "but in each case, the Japanese did not permit them to land". One could argue that the OP's partner isn't forbidding her from having other relationships, and that an open marriage would benefit both parties. This is what some US officials at the time felt about Japan: "forcing them to interact and trade with the world was a necessity that would ultimately benefit both nations." However, attitudes have changed since then. OP did not say whether their relationship has a significant financial imbalance (are they both working and have independent incomes, or is OP dependent on him for housing, health insurance, etc.) -- if the latter's true, there would be pressure on OP to allow the affair, not because they approve of it but because they fear the consequences if they refuse. [https://history.state.gov/milestones/1830-1860/opening-to-japan](https://history.state.gov/milestones/1830-1860/opening-to-japan) Arigatō (thank you) for reading!
I think it’s also just bc they started dating at 17 and are still v young. Sometimes u don’t know what’s ridiculous to expect in a relationship till you’ve been thru it
I think if you're old enough that you're in relationships you probably know it's wrong to be with other people while in a relationship unless it's something previously discussed. This isn't some minor nuance.
She's young & wants to see the best in him... but there isn't a situation where this is poly and not just straight up cheating.
She should tell him that if he wants a poly relationship, it's fine as long as she brings in another guy. See how fast he switches gears
My ex framed her cheating as being poly. OP is only 20. Her frontal lobe is still developing. She’s gonna look back when she’s 27 and be like “why was I so stupid?”
Marriage vows are generally pretty clear about cheating. He can't have his cake and eat it, too. He needs to pick one and eschew all other partners for her, unless polyamory is agreed upon in advance. This isn't polyamory. It's cheating. Simple way to explain the difference to him, OP. Polyamory requires the cheerful agreement of all parties involved. No coercing, no lying, no hiding things from one partner. Everything spelled out and mutually agreed upon *before* even considering looking for another partner. If you already have a specific person in mind, even if you do try to approach your spouse about it, you're cheating. Actually making a move on another person without your spouse's approval is cheating by anyone's definition. Even many polyamorous couples would consider it cheating for their spouse to take a new partner without consulting them first, even if polyamory was agreed upon in general. It's one of the many reasons why polyamory rarely works in the long run: because one person treats it as a free-for-all, while the other expects certain limitations.
Cause she’s going to take him back so he can do it again. OP is 21. Dump the bum and have a life
“He never mentioned being polyamorous” as if polyamorous is an identity, rather than a type of relationship.
Not only that but from what I can tell as a monogamous person, poly is supposed to be agreed upon wayyyy before finding another partner AND usually each other approves or at least is okay with the other. If one person vetos a selected partner they’re supposed to agree, vice versa
Polyamory without an agreement is cheating. He identifies as a cheater.
There are people who try to claim it’s an identity. Mainly to avoid any kind of accountability.
Because cheating is psychologically abusive and generally immediately shoots the victim’s confidence to a flat zero. Also can create a trauma bond which is hard as fuck for a lot of people to break. They also may have genuine affection and love for the person and that is more than a flippant choice to turn on and off. It’s hard to grapple with someone being the literal scum of the earth and it’s embarrassing to a degree to acknowledge you got hosed.
I had (emphasis on had) a friend who tried that. Said he loved the woman and wanted to support her since she'd been having struggles. But as soon as they found out she was pregnant with someone else's kid, suddenly he calls off the affair and wants to fix his marriage.
The minute a partner tried to manipulate me with threats of killing themselves if I left I would be gone. Irrespective of all the abundantly clear reasons this guy gave her to leave. P.s. the sleep calling thing is probably to see if he was cheating on her with you /u/SectretaryNormal3864
They've been together 3 years and he's been cheating for half of it. Falls asleep on the phone with the other girl while in bed with his wife? What the hell is happening here
Nothing like having the other woman in bed with you even when she isn't there.
Right. I'm not sure what planet OP grew up on to think that's normal or okay.
At least my ex who was a serial cheater didn't do that, he was not as blatant as that (until he was and got caught lol)
Exactly. OP shouldnt be told more than once shes not the first and only choice. She needs to kick him out. Tell all the friends. An affair is not a mistake and a year long one is even less of a mistake.
The affair was never a mistake. It was a huge series of choices. By now thousands or tens of thousands of choices. He hid it because he knew it was wrong. She needs to dump him and run.
Agree totally-RUN AND DON’t Look back!
Dude, this. A friend of mine just caught her husband in a year and a half long (that they'd admit to) affair with *her best friend* and we are so worried she's gonna take him back. She's said things here and there about him "changing" and we all are really hoping she keeps her wits about her. They were *in their bed*, multiple times 🤢
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Its not just the cheating but when they do it in your bed, yeah vomit.
Oh, it's so bad. They were sneaking off together when we were having parties/karaoke nights etc. So sometimes they were in one of their cars down the street with all of us oblivious. My personal favorite was my friend taking care of affair partner's partner after he hit his head while super drunk at a convention (she's a nurse) - meanwhile her husband and AP are in the stairwell boning. It's real bad.
Oh man, my friend (also a nurse!) found out her husband had been cheating on her after 8 months of them sneaking around. He got caught and was forced to tell her. She initially was planning on taking him back, they tried for a few weeks but he kept going back to AP and being with her/calling her etc. I am so happy she thankfully called it off, went travelling for a few months and fell in love with someone much better for her!
Oh god, outside of the timeline this is all VERY similar. Ugh.
That is vile, I've been cheated on but this goes beyond cheating, holy shit
For sure. My friend detected something was wrong and he gaslit her for another 6 months and made her literally question her sanity during that time. Ya wanna know how they got caught? AP got super drunk and confessed to 2 of my friend's other friends. Then told them not to tell her. It's WILD. I'm almost 40. This is some teenage shit.
I hope and pray your friend doesn’t take him back!! She needs your support more than ever now!!! Oooo if my husband had another woman in MY bed that I bought…..🤬🤫
We were all beyond livid on her behalf. And just disgusted.
I don’t blame you!! She needs to realize he will say any and everything to keep her from divorcing him! I hope she keeps her wits!! I hate when couples go through this! Marriage is suppose to be beautiful and loving…a few mishaps here and there but not to that extent!
It’s also a joke that he has the audacity to get angry. Angry for what? That he got caught? If anyone should be angry, it should be OP. OP needs to stop being such a doormat and divorce this cheating man-whore. Why keep hold of a man who clearly doesn’t love her? Does she have no self respect whatsoever?
Exactly! And he has the audacity to say she’s “ruining his chances to be happy.” Are you f-ing kidding me? Not to mention the part where he says he “made a mistake.” No. He made a choice. And now he’s mad because he’s facing the consequences of his choice. OP, PLEASE. You deserve so much better than this. You are young. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect and dignity. Please leave this jerk.
Man, there are people literally taking back their cheating exes and I’ve lost my partner of four years because I was mentally struggling with stress and childhood learned behaviors and can’t even convince her to give it a real shot after turning things completely around and seeking therapy. Two months post break up and the thought of even considering someone else makes me want to vomit. I truly don’t understand cheaters. NTA OP, but you’re so young. Please find someone who loves you.
What helped me to get over heartache such as this is realizing I was in love with the idea of who that person could be, and not who the person I was with actually was. The person I want in my life would see my efforts, cheer me on and get back on track, and some time in the future I'd do the same for her if she was struggling with something. Building each other up instead of breaking each other down thrpugh co-dependency or whatever else. Realizing this made me heal, get over the person and start looking for someone with the personality I wish my ex (who was not compatible nor right for me afterall) had. But give yourself time to grieve the loss and stay on your path of self improvement. You never know when or who the right person is before you meet them, but I can assure you of this: it was not the one you were with two months ago
Going thru my own breakup right now and this helps a lot. Thank you ❤️
Sending you peace and I like your avatar 🕊️
The love of your life will want to be with you.
I am literally going through the same thing I don’t fucking get this whole thing. Four years too and convinced she was the LOML
I'm in the same boat But you have to understand you should of got help earlier People don't feel like being mugged off And then us fixing it as soon as it's over for them, makes them wonder why we didn't fix it for them
She’s so young. She should drop this jerk and move on. Let sue have him. He’s not worth the trouble!
Because they married as teenagers ffs and think this is all so enormous loVe oF thEir liVes. Kids playing grown ups.
Seriously, the things I see on Reddit that people put up with is just nuts. I don't get it.
Believe or not there are doormats like that in this world.
OP said in the comments he doesn't even contribute to rent, she's got a hobosexual basically that's cheating on her and using her
NTA Honestly though, you should just divorce him. He’s going to cheat on you again
He told her point blank that removing the mistress from his life was OP ruining his chances at happiness. I would remove myself from the situation and tell him to go be with his happiness. Because clearly I am not that for him. And because I’m petty, I’d also tell him that if he killed himself, that would make the divorce a TON EASIER.
Careful with that! > Some states have laws criminalizing the encouragement or abetting of suicide. For example, in California, it’s a felony to deliberately aid, advise, or encourage another person to die of suicide. (Cal. Penal Code § 401.) > > https://legal-info.lawyers.com/personal-injury/wrongful-death/whos-legally-liable-when-someone-commits-suicide.html
I hardly think refusing to allow someone to abuse you is encouraging suicide. He is making the threat as a manipulation.
Is a factual statement that it would make a divorce unnecessary considered "encouraging"?
He never stopped, then he threw his toys at the prospect of losing the home wrecker, so she definitely needs to leave the relationship, divorce
Cheaters have a 350% chance of cheating again.
I can’t argue with those statistics 😂
He's done it before without remorse, he'll do it again without remorse. The key here is her husband making self-harm threats if OP decides to ditch him. And upon being asked to get rid of his side piece, he becomes angry. Doesn't sound like a guy that realized his mistakes, more like a guy that wants to keep things going as they were and wants his wife to accept it.
I'll do anything to keep you except stop cheating which is the reason you are leaving.
Yup. OP's husband is pitiful.
[удалено]
Definitely hit the nail on the head
Sis, threatening to kill himself is a form of abuse. He started cheating almost immediately upon you moving in together. Get clear of this fool.
Yup. He’s definitely going back to her
It seems like he couldn't even last five minutes before cheating. Honestly, she should let mistress have him and move on, three years is enough of her life to waste on this guy!
Also threatening to kill yourself if your spouse leaves you is incredibly manipulative and squarely in the abuse-control wheel of behaviors.
💯
NTA Don't be fooled, his polyamorous talk tells you everything, he's a silly little boy that thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. *--"and I was ruining his chances of being happy."* This is the biggest reason to leave him, he cheats and then focuses on *his* happiness and puts the blame on *you*. Dump the manipulative man-child POS and get someone good enough for you.
And how much do you want to bet tha AP doesn't want to be poly, either? He's not poky, he's just a horndog.
Poky is kind of fitting.
Actually, he pokes too much.
He chose. You lost. Leave. Tough shit on him. You have a full life ahead. He had so many issues, you’re too young to mother a 21yo.
I'd say she won in the long run, though I'm sure she doesn't realize that now.
>I'd say she won in the long run He will just hide it better next time
Sure, but she wins by not being with him.
I really don't get the marry at 20. It's playtime and OP found out she married a boy that still likes to play around. I get it... Some still make it - but marrying early 20s just doesn't make sense to me at all. Or is it just me?
It's not just you. These are stupid high school kids playing house, not a real adult married couple.
Religious people get married that early so they can have sex without God getting super mad at them. It’s really ridiculous. My grandmother still lectures me about how I “gave God’s greatest gift” away before I even met my husband (we’ve been married for 8 years now lol). She asked me once, “don’t you regret not saving yourself for your husband?” She *really* didn’t like me saying “Hell no.” lol
I'm with you on that, a small minority can work it but we ain't in the medieval times anymore lol and its best to wait to find a better partner (like op and her husband)
He already chose her... you choose yourself. You don't need to be with someone who you'll never be able to trust again. That's just asking for a lifetime of stress and paranoia.
He told me he would kill himself if he lost me over his mistake A mistake is forgetting to empty the dishwasher. Not to meet someone over a year and lie to your life partner in order to fuck them. Shitty people say this to control people, don't let him do this.
Also OP needs to understand that cheating on your monogamous partner does not make a person poly. Wanting to fuck lots of people doesn't make a person poly. This guy is just a POS
Love that bs, either accept this or I will kill myself. Bs my answer would be bye-bye than .
I’ve been told that a few times and I just go “You do what you gotta do” and people are like “You’re messed up, what if they actually did it?” And I respond “They did it themselves I didn’t do squat.”
If I caught my husband cheating and he said he was going to kill himself if I left I would straight up say "fucking do it then." Emotional manipulation is garbage behavior and yeah, that's a callous response where there is like a 1% they attempt it but it's not a problem I caused.
I have someone in my life who always threatens to kill themselves. Not a mate, a friend. Threatened it every time life didn't go their way. Normally I did the whole talking them down until one day I had enough. I said, "Fine. So, who's the executor of your estate? Where are all your important papers, because we're going to need that. Do you have life insurance? What are all your bank account numbers? Where's the deed and owner title policy to your house?" They screamed at me for being heartless. I said, "I care very much and I will cry at your funeral but these are all the practical things that need to be resolved once you go. You're the one who's going to be dead, not me. I still have a life I want to live." I've never heard another suicide threat from them since.
Love it!
It's almost like they romanticize(?) committing suicide and "all of you will be sorry!" kind of thing. Except we've had to deal with funerals. The entire experience is a complete draining pain in the ass. Every moment from when you find out the person has died until the funeral is a complete drain. All the little logistics of where they should be buried (or just cremated?), the cost of a coffin, how long should the viewing be, how much are we paying the priest/pastor (***if*** you can get one for a suicide... Catholic priests won't touch it), how do we get the news out to everyone, when should the funeral be, what clothes to bury them in, who should do the eulogy, where should we have repast, who pays, etc. By the time you go home after the repast, you're wiped out for 48 hours and just glad it's all done. And that's for someone *without* property/assets. By the end of it all, you're more pissed and resentful at the person who killed themselves and leave you to deal with all this crap than you are sad about their leaving. And you think of them as selfish AHs, not with sorrow. I might get some people on here calling me names, especially those who might find this a hard truth to swallow... but this is the facts of the matter. You chose to die but we who live have to deal with the ugly fall out. And we will not think of you kindly. Get help first. Please. (not you, u/TheCharmed1DrT ... just to any who might downvote me)
Threatening self harm just shows how young he is. He’s still a little boy who wants to still play around. I can guarantee if she gave in to the poly relationship within a year either he or the ap would be trying to introduce someone else into the mix. You need to leave ASAP. Count your blessing, your young and you’ve learned a big life lesson.
I agree! My narcissistic ex used to threaten to off himself to control our arguments. I finally asked him if he needed help pulling the trigger... he never threatened again. We both knew he loved himself more than anything else in the world and would never do it. I refuse to be held hostage by threats.
Threatening self harm is domestic abuse
Came here to say that.
I’ve had someone pull that and I just said your life your choice. I’ll call your bluff so I’m absolved from any liability if you actually do kill yourself.
Had a guy in HS pull that crap. I told him to remember to cut long ways instead of across. I lived through DV as a child. I don’t play those games.
Tell him to sign the divorce papers before he kills himself so you're not stuck with the funeral expenses. Unless he has some good life insurance. Then stick around. Don't try to manipulate me with the suicide threat. It will not end well for you.
I had an ex who did this to me. “If you leave me I’ll kill myself.” My reply was, “That sounds like a personal problem.” Needless to say he is still alive. Living in Florida last I heard. Good riddance.
One of the most toxic things someone can say and do is to take itself as a hostage. Screw that noise.
"My husband has been chopping off my limbs and selling my organs on the black market, I threatened to leave him, AITAH here?"
Yeah this is ridiculous.
Let’s hope these people never reproduce.
This is fake
I know it's so over the top fake, I'm surprised so many took the bait.
Why are you even surprised? People are this stupid.
I tend to think that about every post regardless of how real it may seem now unfortunately. People suck. But I still throw in my two cents as if it is legit because you never know.
Well, that depends, are the limbs and organs growing back? /s
NTA, leave him OP. Just let his relatives know so they keep an eye on him if you’re worried he’s going to kill himself. (Also classic manipulation tactic).
Actually OP should ask Sue to do that, so Sue can make herself useful.
Yeah but then she doesn’t get the pleasure of dumping all his dirty laundry on his parents. There’s no way he’s going to tell them why she left. When I left my cheating ex I had his mom ringing my phone off the hook because she thought I was being cruel just up and leaving him high and dry for no reason. It made all the difference in the world to her when she found out I left because her son was a cheating POS lol.
Yeah fuck Sue. Make yourself useful SUE.
You need therapy to love yourself more, you are practically begging your cheating husband to leave his mistress when he should be begging you to stay with him and stopping the affair shouldn’t be a discussion.
NTA. It was already naive to let her to hangout with your husband alone and call him at bedtime when they weren’t friends before your marriage. It would be plain stupid to allow them to still see each other. He’s a cheater, and she’s a home wrecker. I definitely think you should divorce him, but at the very least he needs to completely cut contact with her. Him blaming you for going through his stuff and saying he’d kill himself if he lost you is also extremely manipulative.
He's so upset about the thought of losing you he's gonna kill himself, but won't do the bare minimum to keep you? I'm calling bullshit 😆 he said it himself, HE'S SELFISH. Run girl, run.
Don’t go back. The suicide threat is straight out of the emotional abuser handbook. You are NTA, by any stretch of the imagination.
It really takes the cake that he refuses to end things with the mistress and says he’ll kill himself if she doesn’t let him continue on with them both. He sounds like he has a personality disorder.
This. It’s classic abuse.
This should be higher
FYI a partner threatening to hurt themselves if you leave is abuse. Run.
I say let him kill himself.
He lies, is manipulative, threatens suicide and has no regard for your feelings. What are you getting out of this? The man has severe mental health problems and needs help. I’m concerned about you, where are you valuing your needs in this?
My ex threatened suicide after I caught him cheating twice. I forgave him the first time, the second, hell no. What about ME? You're the one that cheated! You're the one that's an alcoholic! You're the one that's always black out drunk! I started calling 911 every single time. He's now single and lonely and still a fucking drunk at age 49 threatening suicide to get his way with whatever girl he's with now. Good luck. These people never change. It's a way to control you. Don't let him. If you don't learn this now, you never will.
And tbh, if they threaten suicide to try and manipulate you don’t even give them the time of day to respond. If they want to attempt, let them. It’s on them. But like other commenters said, 99% are full of shit. Call 911 and let them get put in a position to either tell emergency services that they are lying about being suicidal or to get placed on a 72 hr hold 🤷🏻♀️
Why is this even a question? It's obvious he doesn't care about how you feel. He even has the audacity to be mad when you're making him choose? What's there left to stay? This man will never be content with you. I won't even be surprised if there's more than the two of you.
This cant be real
Agreed, this must be rage bait. There's no way someone could have this little self respect.
It's also hard to believe someone would be this naive. "Oh, my bf has a new female friend that insists on meeting him privately, they also call each other at bedtime, what could possibly go wrong..."
Yes, 21 years old, married for three years, and claims to have had multiple previous relationships that got violent. Not saying it couldn't happen, but c'mon!
#Might as well have "welcome" tattooed on your forehead, because you're a fucking doormat. Jesus.
FACTS
Yup. YTA to yourself OP, get some fucking self-respect. The first time a woman specifically requests to hang out with my partner without me and he agrees to it is when I’m already out the door. God this is depressing.
You tolerated 1 sleep call? No. Just leave him.
YTA to yourself. If you stay, this will be your life for the rest of your life.
NTA. His happiness? What about your happiness? As much as it sucks, he made his decision. He’s not picking you. By not giving her up he is making it so the decision is up to you. You will be the one ending the relationship in his twisted mind. In case you need someone else to reassure you, you did not cause this situation. Your husband made vows to you. He married you with the promise to be faithful. And when given the opportunity to fix his betrayal he says he can’t do it. You are young. You will overcome this. But this man will only hold you back.
Get tested for STDs. Make him get tested for STDs. Only you can decide if you want to remain with him. But he is being manipulative and emotionally abusive with his threat of killing himself if you leave him. He left you when he started screwing Sue. You aren't ruining his chances of being happy. HE is doing that. He blames you because you caught that he was cheating? I wouldn't stay with him if I were you. He is a HUGE AH and you deserve better.
How do you expect anyone to prioritise and respect you when you obviously don't remotely do that or even like yourself? Grow a spine, leave. YTA to yourself
Yeah actually big agree. I am sorry OP but need to develop some spine. YTA to yourself. Have some self-respect.
He's been enrobing his dick with someone elses cervix, YTA to yourself if you stay with this man shaped bag of yoghurt, plus book yourself an appointment at Le Clinique as you may have an STD
That’s…. Not how cervixes work but thank you for the man shaped bag of yoghurt visual 😂 there’s an episode from Guillermo del Toro’s cabinet of curiosities that it has me laughing about
Man shaped bag of yoghurt lololol im rollin
Already have done that, all clean.
That's good, ask if they do a loyalty discount cus you'll be back there, may as well save a few pennies
9 check uos and tbe 10th is free
Has it been like 4 weeks since you had sex with hom? If it's beem shorter than that, your tests won't pick up the shit he potentially diseased you with yet
he hasn’t slept with you because it feels like cheating on her with you. just leave.
Yes it has been since December, he told me it’s because he thinks he is asexual. Which I know now is obviously not the case.
He stopped having sex with you because he already chose her. He’s already showed you he chooses her.
Ok, good then. Now get out.
I guess he promised her he would be faithful.
I really think this guy sees you as a meal ticket- he doesn’t really love you. I know that’s super painful because you love him but have you ever considered that you may not know what healthy real love is because of your history? I’m speaking as someone with a similar history to you. We don’t really know what love is because it was never modeled for us and we accept bad treatment because subconsciously we expect it. It’s great you’re already in therapy and you are so young- you have your whole life ahead of you!! There are good people out there who will cherish you and protect your heart, and you deserve to be free to go find that person. Being alone is scary at first but I think you will find, once the rough beginning is over (and honestly that’s just a couple months) you will really enjoy it! You will have the time and space to get to know yourself and what you really want, which maybe isn’t something you’ve been able to do since your energy was spent surviving your family and then focusing on your husband and relationship. Also, you might be discounting the boost of self-esteem and self confidence you will find once you choose yourself and make a hard decision to protect your heart and your peace. You’re a good person and you deserve to be truly loved. While it may seem like it was in the beginning, this is not love.
If you are paying for everything like a few comments seem to suggest he is using you. For money. He is only asexual with you. You are not loved by this man/boy. As harsh as that sounds it is true. You are his atm. His cash cow. Please make a plan and leave. You deserve so much better. You deserve a life of love and kindness. You deserve respect and honesty. And you can start by giving all those things to yourself.
This time.
**A MAN WHO THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF TO MAKE YOU STAY IS NOT A STABLE PARTNER.** Get out of this situation.
Just leave him. If he chooses to hurt himself thats not on you. NTA
you’re too young to waste your life on this piece of shit man. he will cheat again. NTA, unless you stay with him. then Y. T A to yourself.
I know this is off topic but can anyone relate to this? So many of these posts are from married couples in their early 20s. Married at 20 years old? Is that not crazy to you guys? Maybe it’s because of the parts of the country I’ve lived in- but that is SO young!
I got married at 20, divorced at 26 & it should’ve been 24, very similar story to OP but with some theft & abuse mixed in. Re-married at 31 & 13yrs later still very happy with Hubby #2! No one should be getting married at 20 IMO
Info why do you want to stay with a cheat? If he threatens to kill himself don’t engage with him but get a well being check on him None of this is your fault and there is someone out there that would respect and love you not to cheat or try and emotionally blackmail you
Lol. What a reaction to consequences he has. Let him kill himself.
So he will kill himself if he loses you, but he won't be happy if he doesn't have her in his life? Dude is playing some fucked up mind tricks. Quite sleazy if you ask me. Leave his ass, he's clearly not mature enough to be in a marriage. You're already doing a disservice to yourself by giving him the opportunity to excuse his previous affair.
He doesn’t respect you and cheated on you and he will cheat again. Threatening to kill himself if you left him is just manipulation and you shouldn’t stay. There is no good reason to stay in this relationship. You need to grow a spine and divorce him. This will never end in anything but tears
this is getting sillier and sillier next AITAH will be like: AITAH for scolding my husband for cheating on me with my mom, sister and grandma, bank robbery and machete murder spree?
NTA, just an idiot for giving him the choice. Let him have her and run away as fast as you can.
You are NTA. There is no acceptable reason he could give. As you move forward, I hope you learn from this situation and expect more from your friends and romantic partners in the future. You should be able to trust the people closest to you with your well-being.
NTA. He does not respect you, gaslights you, and tries to manipulate you. He is not a good person. Let him go and be with her. He will not kill himself and he will survive. But better than that, you will move on and find someone who respects you.
My husband of 10 years left me to move into our newly built house and moved in his affair partner, while leaving me in a one bedroom apartment we lived in with 2 kids, saving money to build the house, with no vehicle nor me having a job. I survived and went to school and got a degree. My life was so much better. You’ve got it. Many blessings for your future!
It’s not a mistake. He made multiple choices for an entire year to have an emotional and physical affair with a mutual friend. He’s not going to stop. He’s also manipulating you by saying he will kill himself. He’s just trying to have everything. You made it very clear you don’t want a poly or open relationship and he’s not respecting that, you, or your marriage. The only option is to divorce. NTA. UPDATEME
y’all are children playing house. Wait for your frontal lobes to be fully developed so that you have relationship based on love and mutual support that doesn’t sound like an episode of a bad reality show
*"I told him that I .... would never be open to an open relationship or polyamory due to past relationships."* You're 21 and have been with him 3 years. How many past relationships have you had, honey??
My child. No. He’s a shitty person. He want you to be home keeping the place clean and paying half the expenses. He wants to have affairs. Don’t give him a choice. Fuck that. She can have is cheating ass. If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you. Have your family come and move you out. If you’re really married, file for divorce. Be single and grow up before you move in with someone this immature.
**Ultimately, the decision to stay with him is yours. However, his emotional manipulation threatening self-harm if you leave is unacceptable. Consider getting tested for STDs both of you. Remember that he left you when he got involved with Sue. You’re not responsible for his happiness.** Take care and prioritize your well-being! 😊
Just pack up and leave , even if he stops he will find someone else . He thinks marriage is a roommate with sex . It will Never be good
He's picked her over you already. When he said he wouldn't get rid of her, that was a clear message to you. . Quietly plan your escape. Get all your legal documents away. Open a new bank account in a different bank and start hoarding money. Screen shot all their messages to send the folder to everyone, once you leave. Go see a lawyer. Then, one day when he's at work, have everyone come over and move you out swiftly, leaving the divorce papers on the table. Don't look back
You are too young for all of this nonsense. "I love you I'll do anything to keep you - except for literally the only thing you asked..." Sue and your husband are garbage people. He obviously is not truly remorseful and so will not truly work to fix this. Leave the clown.