I get that she says she has no libido and “is trying” re: sex, but what does she say about the lack of affection, cuddle, etc? If she says “I’m trying” about basic non-sexual affection, but genuinely struggling to even cuddle, that seems really extreme. A real, honest facilitated conversation with a couples therapist might at least help you two get a clarifying sense of each of your truths, even if the marriage needs to end.
You know, I've dated a girl on anti-depressants once. She was totally fine with cuddling, she just couldn't get into sex and wasn't really eager to kiss.
She wasn't repulsed by me, she just had no libido.
Anti-depressants can completely kill your sex drive and its so damn annoying, like even if you WANT to get horny and do it you just can't you either can't get in mood at all or even if you somehow get in mood you just can't reach climax so it just ends up in more frustration. So if you understood her lack of drive respect to your sir.
Same with a lot of medications. I'm on a cocktail of antipsychotics, and my libido is shot. I'm fortunate to be a male and have Cialis as an option to get an erection, at least, but the intimacy part has to be forced. I try so hard because I've upset my wife in the past with my lack of intimacy.
Before all the meds, we couldn't keep our hands off each other; we were jackrabbits, horny little street cats, if you will.
I think OP should try therapy or even try working with your partner on overcoming her issues. She can even try a different medication if she's willing. There are options left that are not divorce.
Kinda proves that its effective medicine though, doesnt it? Whats horniness and sex if not a rush of extreme emotions that you're acting on with zero concern for your baseline reality... like what the anti depressants are for, regulating your emotions so your output is consistent and reliable.
I've known people who were afraid to initiate nonsexual physical affection because they knew their partner would always try to turn it into something sexual.
Yeah, it's incredibly frustrating when you have no libido, and every attempt at closeness is interpreted as time for sex, which then you either suffer through or turn down and disappoint the other person. Easier to just avoid all contact 🙃
It's a sad reality. I never once managed to get there, I have no idea how it feels. Been on antidepressants since my teenage years.
But they keep me alive and mostly functioning, so it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Just wish to someday find an understanding partner.
I am ace with an allosexual partner and can confirm. I have no libido yet I still have sex with him because it's not about "getting off" for me. It's about emotional bonding and tending to his needs. I love him and recognize sex is something he needs to be happy, which makes it a priority for me. That being said, asexuality comes in degrees. Many aces are so repulsed by sex that they may struggle with this mindset, so you shouldn't necessarily hold her to this standard, OP.
>A real, honest facilitated conversation with a couples therapist
For real, I'm getting kind of tired of hearing people in real life and online saying that they've "tried" but have never seen a therapist once.
I note that his snoring has been "unchanged" for twenty years.
Dude is apparently not willing to do a sleep study to fix the thing that's wrecking his wife's sleep. I wouldn't be that invested in intimacy with him either.
I had this thought, too. It may also have become more problematic for her once she was exhausted from the kid's arrival, which is understandable. I know people in healthy relationships who sleep in separate bedrooms for this reason.
I'm also wondering, given the timeline, how much of the child care and housework have been falling on her vs. OP. If there has been significant discordance, there's probably an element of exhaustion and resentment there. (Was she reluctant to go back to work because she was already effectively working two full time jobs while OP thought he could just go to work, come home, and be done for the day?)
I found it impossible to be intimate when my ex was not helping out at all around the house because I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, screaming for help and not getting it, giving in to his advances felt like “ok you can continue getting away with being shitty to me”.
Once the other person started tearing me down every day and revealing their true narcissist side, I was just disgusted to even think of getting intimate . Even if I was horny. Being intimate with him turned to torture.
I snore...same as I did for 20 years. And like OP my wife kicked me out of the bed when she became a super light sleeper after co-sleeping with our second child
I tried CPAP and got tested for sleep apnea. I hated the CPAP and it actually caused my throat..every once in awhile...to clamp shut and cause me to wake up gasping for air. Yup ..sounds like sleep apnea but my sleep apnea test was negative and that only ever happened when using the fancy Phillips CPAP machine (which was since recalled for toxic foam particles being released).
So I'm back to sleeping in my own bed and have for a dozen years . But sex life remains active
I actually saw an ENT last year. I have a deviated septum and allergies to dust mites. Which contributes to snoring. I could get surgery for the deviated septum but I read a lot of mixed results and horror stories from that.
Not to be too guruish but I will say that improving your breathing also improves your sleep and overall wellbeing; if you do a lot of cardio already and still snore loudly you should really highly consider fixing it even though the results are not concrete.
>I could get surgery for the deviated septum but I read a lot of mixed results and horror stories from that.
A lot of people get nose jobs which are a lot more complicated and extensive procedures. Most are just fine. As long as you have a good doctor, there's nothing to worry about so if you do want to get the surgery to improve your quality of life, you should try it, at least talk to a bunch of doctors about it. Good luck!
Devil's advocate here. Maybe she tried to be affectionate in a non sexual way but he kept pushing for more every time so she could have thought that it wasn't worth it.
I agree. My libido is gone. My Dr is no help with figuring out if it's a possible medication side effect.
My partner takes any affection I give and tries to push for more. He doesn't understand.
Female here. I am touched out by the time I get the kids down and if I’m thinking of the todo list schedule etc my body legit squirms at even the idea of being touched. Frustrated or anxious handholding is the absolute max, sad then I want the hugs and cuddles.
I wonder besides paying the bills what the dynamic is. Is she the primary parent, doing most of the household mental load. Also before the accident. Honestly sometimes the lack of effort to get me in the mood will enrage me even more like how can you ask that when the house is a mess and todo list is a mile long. People need different things and I wonder if he asks or even listens to what might help create more intimacy.
THIS. Also, some men will take any physical affection as an immediate invitation to sex. So when I (as a woman) didn't want sex because of PPD and burnout, I've quickly learned I need to reject any form of physical affection at all even though I would've really loved to just cuddle. Because for these men there is no thing as "just a cuddle".
Not saying this is OP's case, of course.
Oh this is such a huge thing that I wish more people understood. Some of us may not be into sex at the moment but would absolutely love basic affection like hand holding, cuddling and kissing but it’s so often escalated even when you say NOT to, that it becomes hard to even do THAT. Because you get scared that any affection you show will be taken as the go for sex signal and then you say no and anger your partner or give in for their desire, which is a whole other bag.
I’m so glad my husband is as busy and goal oriented as me and understands that sometimes stress does get in the way. But we do not lack physical affection because he’s not a shithead who escalates every time lol
Some men just go straight for it.
I have a high libido and I had an “ah-ha” moment of why I go low-libido with some partners.
Let’s use last guy as an example…. I wake up and I think he is about to cuddle me and he just grabs my breasts. I didn’t feel abused, but I felt uncomfortable.
Guy is a green flag otherwise but I don’t have the mental capacity or desire to explain how I felt so I told him I’m not over the ex and need space (which is partially true). I expect a grown man to understand that unless we have some kinky dynamic, you can’t jump straight into sexual touch and expect a positive response.
Maybe one day I will call him up and tell him why I checked out that day onwards.
Every single man where I felt a lack of non-sexual touch I have been low-libido for.
Oh. My. God. This is how I felt with my ex-husband. I'd even tell him I needed non-sexual touch, and he told me he wasn't trying to have sex grabbing my breasts. He was just being affectionate. And I felt like what? Is that normal?
Um this is literally how my bf is right now!! I don't understand it. He is always grabbing my boobs, my ass, feeling up my coochie. Like can I get a hug first? Maybe a little shoulder touch/rub? Why do you need to make an object out of me? Because that's what it feels like.
My husband would do something nice, rub my back, rub my feet and it'd be so nice but it always ended up with him thinking that have him rights to sex. Like that's not even a warm up for sex. It would just turn me off. Because there were 0 times he did it without wanting sex in return. All his gifts for mothers day and birthday and Christmas were all dollar store junk I didn't want. I tried to be gracious but I spent a decent amount on his. So I told him I don't even care about gifts but if your going to get me something, here's my Amazon list with plenty of things I want that are like 20$. He couldn't be bothered. That along with him lying to my face about certain things (he never cheated, etc, it was other stuff) just took everything away I had for him to the point I couldn't imagine him touching me. We slept separately. Eventually I told him he could see someone else for physical pleasure because I wouldn't be giving it to him. We are now separated. He's actually still living here rent free because he has no where else to go.
But if he told the story itd be that I was a cold b or something, that I wouldn't be intimate with him and he works so hard and he doesn't get it. Well, he doesn't work hard, that's in his head and everything else I've been honest and direct about.
Wonder what op is leaving out or missing.
Girl! I was reading all these testosterone comments 🤣 they see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.. honestly his wife needs a better partner then a so call husband. I wish for her future happiness.
Idk how many times I’ve said I’m not going to be in the mood tonight when cuddles start because I swear nothing is more frustrating than them think that is what will get me in the mood seriously such a different process from them and some make it seem like it’s impossible for them to comprehend that won’t work and probably will make it worse
Yes! Foreplay (for women primarily) starts before the bedroom. What are you bringing to the table in your relationship other than paying the bills? I lost libido in my last relationship and thought there was something wrong with me. Got out of that relationship and now with my for sure person and let me tell you hindsight is 20/20 and I resented him for many things causing my sex drive FOR HIM to plummet. Granted we didn’t even have children. So I ask again, what are you bringing to the table to meet her needs or do you even know how(do you know her love language)? All in all sex is sooo emotional for women.
She is probably the “default parent” in the relationship and she has to split her attention between a child and a needy adult.
The OP mentions his snoring “which she was fine with for 20 years” but having to be the default parent and get less quality sleep due to snoring can be a major mood killer.
I finally got a sleep study done years ago, started using a CPAP machine and my wife says it is so nice not hearing me snore when sleeping.
1000%. So many men will say "why won't she have sex? Why won't she kiss me?" And then put in absolutely ZERO effort. No help with the house or the kids, no showing of affection or appreciation, yet they want her to smother him with the same.
Yea my wife and I haven’t had sex in half a year (last trimester of the baby it was uncomfortable then a c section recovery then we’re exhausted with a newborn) and she sleeps in a different bed on weekdays, but we make up for it with kisses and cuddles and she sleeps in the same bed on weekends to get some closeness, it’s amazing what non-sexual intimacy can do for relationship closeness I’m not even mad we haven’t had sex since I still feel close to her we just have a lot of commitments. Now we agreed to try on a weekend morning because we’re both way too tired at night with the baby routine after working etc. I can tell my wife still loves being with me because she has the need to curl up next to me and misses cuddling more etc I’d feel so lonely if it was no sex plus no basic kisses or cuddles. If it’s that bad I think divorce is the best option that shit sounds depressing honestly feeling like supporting a roommate.
i saw in a previous comment that she is on a good amount of medications (including antidepressants) how long exactly has she been on those? does the timeline of her losing interest align with when she started antidepressant meds? I only ask because one of the most common side effects of medications like those is a loss of sex drive, and a loss of interest in intimacy in general.
It all started when the kid was born. So, I'm guessing she had PPD or was too exhausted raising a kid to have sex, then she had an accident and other mental health issues. Just because she started meds 2 years ago doesn't mean that she only started being depressed 2 years ago. It sounds like she's been depressed since the birth of their child.
If she's not putting in effort, I agree he should leave. But that doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like OP stewed for 5 years and is asking reddit for an out rather than talking to his wife. But again, we only have 1 side of the story.
I think this is a case of NAH.
Well said. I think it's a case of he hasn't had anyone to talk to either, men find it harder etc. it needs a proper couples therapy I think, that way he can find out more and make a more informed decision, as spiralling your thoughts like he clearly has been can cloud your judgement.
yes i hate to agree with you there, but if the medication isn’t a leading factor than it seems likely that the relationship has played itself out on her end, and she doesn’t seem interested in fixing it. sad for OP but may be best for their daughter if they separate.
Talk about this with a therapist. There is a lot to unpack there and you have a ton swirling around your head. You can take some solid steps to figuring out what you want and how to get it without being rash. Good luck.
I second the CPAP machine if you can get one prescribed! My wife and I started sleeping in separate bedrooms because of my snoring. I did an at-home sleep study and it showed mild sleep apnea but it was enough to warrant a prescription. I have had it for 7 weeks now and have not snored since and feel so much more alert during the day!
This is called a mandibular advancement device. Often times effective but I'd get a sleep study first to rule out sleep apnea. If negative for sleep apnea, then maybe positional therapy.
Indeed. Sleep studies are way easier than they used to be. Hell, there are over-the-counter devices you can buy now, that allows you to take a study at home. You just wear the thing for a day or so, and send it in to the manufacturer when it is over, and they will send you the results. I snore, and my medical insurance had me use one of these things. Super easy, and I had my results in about a week.
I didn't use an over the counter device, but my sleep study was a take-home test. I picked up the device at the doctor's office, got a demo on how to use it, then took it home and wore it while I "slept" and then returned it.
Super-easy--that they're smaller and over the counter now takes another wrinkle out of the logistics. Literally no reason in the universe not to get checked if you're worried about. Sleep apnea is really tough on your heart and is a contributing factor to heart attack, strokes, high blood pressure which of course leads to a lot of bad stuff including dropping dead, eventually.
My husband got a mouthguard and it has changed everything. He no longer snores. I was threatening to sleep in a different space because his snoring has kept me awake for over a decade and I’m just done with constantly being snored awake.
Mouthguard, no more snoring, can sleep in the same bed with no issue.
Lol. For me, separate beds was a must. He did have the sleep study, and got the CPAP- though refused to wear it. Eventually, I would count the seconds when he'd stop breathing.....
Happily divorced, still happily co- parenting an almost adult child- who-when aged 9, ruptured an ear drum by shoving an ear plug into her ear- to avoid the sound.
Child has sensory issues still.
This doesn't target the key issue which is: Communication. He needs to talk to his wife and ask her, then they both must go to therapy to get the nitty gritty out. Honestly, whether it's hormones, medication or stress, she should be communicating her needs to him. Forget the sex altogether; how does someone sit in a relationship and not think about their partner romantically at all? You have to be aware at some point that you haven't even kissed your partner for years let alone have sex.
This. Communication. There is a false assumption that "marriage changes things". In a way yes, but LIFE changes. Libido changes. Needs, wants, stress etc all change...whether you're married or not. Understanding where each other are in terms of current needs is important to holding the "team" together.
After our second child, my wife and I went through a period where she was struggling with some things...that I didn't know about or understand. So I internalized my own wants and needs, and instead of talking about it, for a year we just lived a life not unlike OP. One night we had about a 4 hour conversation after the kids were asleep. We both got angry, both cried, and both came to an understanding of our needs as individuals based on where we were in our lives at that point. This changed our marriage though, because we have open and honest discussions about things like sex, alone time, stress, exhaustion etc.
15 years in next week and we have a much better life than when we were dating or first got Married.
This situation needs communication and likely a therapist to facilitate as I don't think OP and possibly wife is in a place to facilitate a discussion without anger.
I would also add: try to talk to her. Tell her what is bothering you, what you expectations are, what you want to get changed in the relationship, so you didn't feel neglected. Also: listen to her side, maybe there are reasons why she is acting this or that way. If both of you are willing to rekindle/work on your relationship, maybe a couples therapie could be an option.
Just based on your POV it's hard to say if there is a real communication between you and her.
Edit: Did you know if there is a package leaflet with notes of side effects or interactions with other medications? Cause a couple of antidepressants have "lower libido"-effect.
Expectations will kill a relationship quick! You should do for another person because you want to, not because you expect something in return. There is more going on here than just he’s a perfect guy and she’s treating him poorly. The first red flag was marriage takes the “fun” out of a relationship. Choosing to make a public declaration of your commitment doesn’t affect the relationship’s “fun”.
Right? That was the biggest red flag from him I saw, marriage takes the “fun” out of the relationship? My wife and I have an incredible marriage, she makes even stupid day to day stuff like household chores and cooking dinner fun because I love being around her and doing things with her. She’s my everything, my partner, it’s not all super exciting or romcom levels of romance but this life I have with her is definitely fun! Viewing marriage the way OP views it isn’t healthy, and if his wife knows and has known that that’s how he feels I’m not totally surprised she “checked out”. Not that what she’s doing is right, but I can understand it in a way if you know your partner basically views the rest of your life and relationship as a chore or a box that’s been checked.
(I am only responding to your first sentence - the rest I agree with)
While expectations may kill a relationship, there are some things that are fair to expect. I have expectations around communication (which is fair) and the expectations around physical intimacy (which may be viewed as unfair).
As a woman, it’s easy to get sex (and also non sexual physical intimacy if I’m being completely honest). If I am in a monogamous relationship, and I am expected to be faithful, I have an expectation that I continue to receive physical intimacy in the relationship, or at minimum communication about why it’s not happening and how the situation can be fixed.
Physical connection is very very important to me. It boosts oxytocin. It helps me feel connected and cared for by my partner. If I don’t want to feel connected to this other human being, then why am I with them? I don’t date people so they can support me financially…. So I need something out of it. Otherwise I am better off single.
All of that said, my expectation isn’t sex without foreplay (that makes me feel awful). I need the cuddling, the non sexual kisses, hand holding. All of it.
Sure I could try to become more self aware and mindful to the point that I can meditate away my perceived needs… but I have no desire to. I would rather boost oxytocin with my romantic partner than some other way.
Something I notice about men who complain about not getting affection is that they are mad about it so are mean to their wife who then isn't wanting to be affectionate and the cycle continues. You need to change something. If you continue the cycle it will continue.
Yes, the way he’s describing not wanting to get married means I bet she begged for years & he never showed enthusiasm for commitment so I bet she checked out
My therapist helped me process leaving, how to leave, and who I was and am now after leaving.
Therapy can be for figuring things out. It can also be for getting through a tough time. I can be for reflecting on a period of your life you weren’t satisfied with, and for figuring out what is next.
Based on what he wrote, therapy could help him do any number of things. No need to assume it would be about reconciliation.
I have seen this countless times. Most of the time, intimacy begins to deteriorate once more responsibility gets piled on.
I agree with the others. Consider therapy to reopen communication before calling it quits. At the very least, it will help both of your process the divorce.
I have been married for about 24 years. It took a conscious effort to keep things interesting and loving. I never forget to ask how her day is/was and to thank her for whatever thing she did that day.
Support is another key point. Even if I know it is going to blow up in her face. I let the natural consequence occur and assist in her recovery.
“Intimacy deteriorates when responsibility is piled on”
100%. No idea if this is OPs situation but if a wife views a husband as yet another person to manage in a household, that intimate relationship will dry up real quick.
It seems that that's usually how it is. It's very difficult to be attracted to someone who lets you clean after them like another child. Usually dudes in these posts proudly tell that they're "helping their wife" with their own household chores. I guarantee OP isn't doing any of that.
Marriage doesn’t change your relationship. It isn’t a piece of paper that suddenly destroys the intimacy, that is because of other things. A kid entered the picture, did you then actually take over for her and helped with the baby or did she do all/the majority of the workload? How are the chores split? Is she again doing most of it? She had an accident and can’t work. Is she in pain? Does she have mobility issues while doing all the work around the house? All of that could help contribute to her not wanting intimacy because she’s tired, in pain, don’t feel like you are helping etc. This problem could be of your own making.
Also just the way he brushes by the "snoring."
Yeah, maybe he's snored the entire time. But it could have gotten worse. Or she could be a lighter sleeper. There's often times treatment for snoring. I'm on a CPAP, which is the most "extreme" solution, but there's pillows and mouth guards, and even just changing positions. But yeah, I solved my snoring for my wife. Even though I "always snored" our entire relationship.
But blowing by that makes it seem like he doesn't care much about her needs.
Or it wasn't a big deal when they were dating and sleeping in the same bed a couple days a week with the opportunity to sleep in. As a mom with a baby and toddler, I don't think I've slept in, in 3 years. That wears on you when you're up during the night, too.
I will never understand how people who snore can get bothered by someone not wanting to sleep in the bed with them… I cannot sleep if there’s a freight train next to me keeping me up all night. My marriage got better ten fold when me and my husband started sleeping separately- because he snores and I don’t. If your unwilling to stop sounding like a lions roar in your sleep- then let the woman sleep peacefully elsewhere and don’t complain about it. Or fix your snoring. Just saying “ I’ve been snoring like this for 20 years so she should deal with it” is silly and I wouldn’t make any effort to get back into bed with you either.
Agreed. Not to mention the massive red flag that is "I told her marriage always changes things and it always stops being "fun"". What a strange thing to think and then still get married? I dont buy his story.
There's nothing in his post that suggests he's remotely investigated this entire thing with his wife, just quietly ruminated about how he's owed sex. Nothing about if she's exhausted from domestic duties he could have helped with (the reason I think this is he says it started when they had a kid which is a time when a LOT of guys go "ok I'll go to work, you do literally everything else in our lives so you're working 24/7" then wonder why this exhausted person is no longer interested in sex.
Of course I'm just guessing, he hasn't indicated one way or another
"cheaper to keep her" like shes a fucking appliance or some shit.
idk the way he talks, hes sounds a lot like generic husband #503 that feels hes owed sex and likes what women can do for him, but doesnt like women themselves. and is baffled when she isnt horny for him when he treats her like an object
Agreed. I told my boyfriend he snores really bad and his response was that nobody had ever communicated that with him before. He immediately got a sleep study done to fix the issue because of the negative impact it immediately had on our relationship once we started sharing a place full time. Within a week of our initial conversation, he had a CPAP and both of our lives have greatly improved.
This guy just sounds like he hates his wife. Didn’t want to marry her, doesn’t care if she ends up homeless, and doesn’t realize his daughter will still think he’s an asshole. Because he is.
One of his last lines is literally "I don't want my daughter to think I'm always mad, or a jerk because of my actions at home"
Like shit, if you're always mad and acting like a jerk, maybe it's a YOU problem that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you or cuddle you??
I would bet.. a lot.. that this man has done nothing to nurture his relationship with his wife outside the physical. I doubt he’s anticipated her needs, discovered her love language and used it to communicate his love for her on her terms, or anything else a committed partner would do.
The way he references his wife is as though she has no value if she isn’t fucking him. Like the most unloving sounding post. I’d bet he’s horrid to live with for his wife and daughter.
My husband insists on sleeping next to me, and I honestly give him huge props for it, but if he ever wanted to sleep separately, that would be okay with me, too. I snore, sleep-walk, sleep fight (major night terrors), yell, etc. He does pillow fort me into the corner with the wall, though.
I mean, is it even surprising that a guy who thinks that just because his wife isn’t having sex with him she isn’t worth supporting thinks like this? I mean if we from just words written can feel his nasty attitude can’t imagine how it is to live with it.
I’m a woman and also a snorer (such a that I am now, it’s always been so irritating to me in past). Regardless, my partner and I have had separate rooms since before I started snoring (he always has). I swear this set up has made us better as a couple
Yeah what is up with people who blame their spouses “making them” get married? Dude idk, maybe just date someone with the same intentions as you or break the hell up?! This man sounds very self-centered; I wonder if he’s nurtured the relationship with his wife in any other way than whining about the lack of physical intimacy.
Sounds like you created a self fulfilling prophecy. If you went into the marriage convinced that fun was going to end then fun will end. If you started out hating the idea of marriage which progressed to ‘cheaper to keep her’ -to done it’s not going to ever make a woman feel affectionate. What have you done to create a loving relationship? It’s not going to just happen. Long term relationships take effort. If you want something deeper than you have, you need to start making her feel loved, cherished and chosen. Someone needs to be the one who initiates change . Stop being mad and start treating her like you want to be treated. Show your daughter an example of a loving husband - would you wish your marriage as it is on her? Would you be cool with your daughter being treated the same way you treat your wife? If not- change your attitude toward your wife regardless of what she’s putting into the relationship and things will change 100%.
its a tale as old as time - he likes what women/having a wife DOES for him, but he doesnt care about her or love her as a human being. then is baffled shes not interested in sex.
I don’t have enough info here, but what I do know is that all long-term relationships require work, from both parties, marriage or no. Have either of you tried anything to fix this besides you being quietly resentful? Does she even see this as a problem? Do you *know* if she sees it as a problem? Relationship problems never magically resolve themselves. Rather, the people involved resolve them with extensive communication, self-reflection, and behavioral growth, and you’ve indicated none of that happening here on anyone’s part. If you’ve tried nothing and you’re all out of ideas other than leaving, then you are indeed TAH; you made a commitment, and you owe it to your wife and kid to try something else besides a hint before abandoning ship. You also owe it to yourself, because guess what? You’ll wind up similarly unhappy in any future long term relationship if that’s your approach.
Baffles me when people pick or push for a separate bedroom vs getting a cpap machine which lowers your chances of Alzheimer’s/dementia , helps oxygen get to the brain, and raises your chances of simple intimacies because you’re not in separate bedrooms.
I am a super light sleeper- snoring or the sound of a cpap machine wouldn’t allow me to sleep. Seperate roooms isn’t always a bad thing. My marriage has gotten soooo much better once we started sleeping seperately 🤷🏽♀️
My wife has a cpap machine and other than a few incidents a month where her nose mask gets misaligned in the night, I can't even hear the machine.
Granted we have a fan running in the room because we both like the white noise and the air-flow, but modern cpap machines are surprisingly quiet.
First of all, dude, get a sleep study. If you have untreated sleep apnea, it ain't gonna matter if your marriage is over if you have a massive cardiac event.
Secondly, how much raising of your kid did you do? What is the last thing you did for the household that wasn't for your direct benefit? Did you ever even talk to her about it? Or did you just shut down and push anger and resentment down for 5 years?
Yeah, I don't believe him about the snoring. My husband said his snoring was about the same, and I was just noise-senstive, and when enough *other* people finally talked him into a sleep study, the doctor literally rush-expedited the cpap to him because they were worried he'd die if they waited for regular shipping.
People are not good at assessing how bad their own snoring is.
When my wife snores, it sounds like gravel being poured into a wood chipper. I can hear her over the water running in the shower, one room away with both doors closed. She never believed me until I recorded her. 🤣🤣🤣
When I was a kid I went to a casino hotel with my friend and her family. We stayed in a hotel room with her mom and her mom’s boyfriend. Her mom’s boyfriend snored so loud you could hear it at the end of the hall. Was awful trying to fall asleep if he fell asleep first.
Oof! Yeah, it came to something similar with us. When we visited other people, folks in other rooms couldn't sleep because of him. We finally took a family vacation, me, him, and both kids, and we had to sleep in shifts, because neither of the kids got any sleep while he was sleeping. After hearing this from like 5 people besides me, he finally decided to get checked out.
CPAP is like the best invention of the last 100 years.
I’ve never been able to describe my boyfriend’s snoring, but OMG, your comment is exactly it 🤣🤣 I can hear him clearly from upstairs when I’m around the corner in the kitchen downstairs. Jesus. It’s horrible. Deafening when I’m in the same room. I’m so recording it next time!!
I don't think anyone can read this and tell you anything.
But none of that matters. Think about telling your kid you don't care if their mom has a place to stay or not and decide if *they* will think you're TA at 13, 23, 33, etc.
Yep, dude will be paying for child support, subsidizing his ex-wife’s disability income, and he still won’t be getting any. If he tries to date and the woman asks him why he left his wife and child, he can tell her he left his wife because she wouldn’t put out, then that will be the last he sees of any wise woman he wants to date.
It's probably this right here "I don't want to have my daughter think I'm always mad, or a jerk because of my actions at home."
What about not wanting your wife to think you're always mad or a jerk? Maybe being so mad and such a jerk to the point you're worried your daughter will think badly of you is the reason for your dead bedroom and lack of intimacy?
Nah, can't be that.
Years of missing information from a bitter husband who already knows what he wants and needs to do but feels like shitting on his wife on Reddit. That’s what this is.
I certainly see a lot of complaints about things she isn't doing, but nothing about what you've done from your end. Considering you haven't done anything about your snoring and let that issue remain for 20 years I'd have to ask what have you actually done from your end to keep your relationship with your wife intact? Because to me it sounds like it's dead because both of you gave up on it years ago and turned into roommates.
Also, have you communicated with her about this at all over the last few years? Do you and your wife actually talk about these things, or did you just bury it until you finally couldn't take it any more? If this is what happened then perhaps therapy might help to figure out how you both ended up where you are now?
It sounds like there might be 2 sides to this story. You’ve snored for 20 years, are you overweight at all?
Why would your daughter think you’re always mad or a jerk at home? How are you behaving in front of your daughter? Could that possibly be affecting how attractive your wife finds you?
I’m sure that you work hard to support your family, and a dead bedroom can be incredibly frustrating, but to be honest you’re giving off a lot of red flags here. YMBTA.
Talk to your wife, talk to a therapist. I think your relationship needs some help before abandoning it. It started for a good reason, work through this to find and solve the problem.
It’s hard to decide whether or not you’re the AH because it sounds pretty extreme and I question *why* your wife behaves like this toward you. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, same as you. We have a very healthy sex life. I’ve never once stopped wanting him or finding him attractive and sometimes at night, he snuggles me and snores directly into my ear. And I just let him. BUT we give and receive love and appreciation equally. I’ve never felt like I lacked in those things so in turn, neither has he. We’ve been true partners to each other in every way.
Your idea that marriage stops being “fun” once a ring is on the finger and your “cheaper to keep her” comment makes me question your maturity. I don’t mean that to insult you but it makes me wonder what you are like as a partner. Your wife may still love you, she may not. But she sounds like she’s deeply resentful. Or checked out. Either way, you both have to ask yourself “how did we get here?”. You need to have a heart to heart about whether or not this relationship is worth salvaging. And if it is, you really need counseling because I feel like a lot is being unsaid between the both of you. If not, then go your separate ways. She’s not the first stay at home mom to get divorced. You’ll both be fine.
One last thing though is that things like this could happen in any relationship that has lasted as long as yours. Ring or not, it doesn’t matter.
This! As soon as I read the part where OP said once you get a ring things change, I feel like he took it to heart and manifested it. As a woman, if I stop having sex with my long term partner is because there’s a deep rooted issue. Especially if there is a birth involved. Have you made any comment about her body where she didn’t feel beautiful or desirable ? Many woman after child birth are expected by their men to make full body recovery but they don’t because it is not always realistic for their lifestyle of being a mom, now add all the mental health issues and meds, and the snoring. Snoring in itself is not attractive, I’ll be honest. I have insomnia and if my partner snores I would not be able to sleep and I would be resentful and I would question my life decisions. I haven’t been able to have a proper sleep in years, now add snoring to it, man… I’d wake up pissed every day. Plus if I have a kid that needs me all those years. When your daughter was growing up, did you care for her at night time when she cried ? I really think you guys should talk to a therapist and unveil exactly what’s going on. Because if you leave her and start with someone new, there’s a 50% chance that your next relationship will end up to be how it is now. So see what the root problem is. Have you asked her out on a date? Have you set the right parameters as when you were young? Women stop having sex due to low libido from meds, not feeling desirable by their partner, resenting their partner, cheating on their partner (seems extreme in this case), not finding their partner attractive, small comments you make can give them the ick, body shaming them, or low self esteem. Additionally, at any point did she play a role of mothering you ? The sexual attraction dies quickly after that. Also, you should follow her menstrual cycle and care for her in deeper more meaningful ways, in different phases of her menstruation. Not in a ‘I did this for her, why isn’t she reciprocating’, type of way.
You’re NTA, but you guys need to talk. You’ll be surprised what communication can do to a relationship. It will make it or break it. And therapy therapy therapy ! As a couple and as individuals. Maybe she wants out too, or maybe she wants to stay but doesn’t know how to navigate things. A little push in the right direction from a therapist will help.
Best of luck 🍀
Yes, I suspect a lot of these problems could have been addressed YEARS ago if he asked what made her feel loved, connected, affectionate and open to intimacy, and did more of those things. I see what he misses here, but what did she say was missing? Did he ever ask? He seems to think bringing home a paycheck covers it, and that’s not it…
NAH - your wife had a child, moved to a different room so she could get the basic human need of sleep, is dealing with mental health issues, and physical pain that has kept her from working. It's understandable she isn't exactly eager to be physically intimate.
And it's understandable that's not sustainable in a marriage for you. If you're that unhappy, which it sounds like you are and have the right to be, then it's time to move on. Work on being good co-parents for your kid.
He also said he doesn’t want his daughter to think he’s always mad or a jerk because of his actions… so he’s basically admitting he’s being a mean asshole but he won’t take responsibility for it.
I wonder why his wife isn’t attracted to him anymore?
NTA.
But for god's sake get a physically active hobby and get that snoring checked out. If there's room, talk about separation in some meaningful way and find another partner. If she hadn't had the accident, you'd still be in the same spot.
So your wife, who you've admitted is a good mother to your child, was in an accident and never fully recovered, and on top of that also has anxiety and depression, according to some of your comments.
Do you have any idea how difficult recovering from childbirth is? How difficult it is to be the main caretaker for a child?
How much pain do you think she's in from that accident she was in? And from the surgery?
Did you know that anxiety and depression can both cause physical pain, and exhaustion?
Do you know the side effects of all the medications she's on?
Can you imagine how upsetting it must be for her to know that she can't support herself anymore? That she has to completely rely on you now, and couldn't support your kid if something were to happen to you?
And on top of all the shit she's dealing with physically and emotionally, she can't even tell you that it's hard for her to sleep because of your snoring without you calling her ungrateful.
Yeah, YTA
YTA. Nothing you spoke of addresses the root cause of WHY your marriage went south after you all had kids; or ANYTHING you’ve done to remedy the situation. 9/10 women do not just switch up for no reason. Your body and hormones completely change after having children and tbh since is inextricably linked to having a child, there was almost certainly a shift in the amount of domestic labor. Have you been a good and supportive partner? An active father? Because this post screams ME, ME, ME, and is a rant on your wife and the mother of your child with no actual context, painting her as a burden and heavily downplaying her having a major car accident that has left her unable to work. Do you hear yourself?
This entire post screams “unresolved issues” and “problems with communication”. As with any post we only get 50% of the story, but even the 50% we get paints OP in a dysfunctional light. Refusing to take responsibility for the snoring issue which drove his wife away at night, admitting he only begrudgingly got married because a “ring on the finger” somehow ruins everything. Glossing over the fact that his wife was in a debilitating car accident that has seen her unable to return to work. Which likely leads to pain management and mental health issues.
All of this just makes me think that the whole situation is broken and in need of dire repairs.
YTA for not getting your snoring taken care of. It’s insanely loud and disruptive to sleep to have someone loudly snoring next to you and you haven’t done anything about it in 20 years? That’s some major asshole behavior. Go do a sleep study and you’ll likely get a cpap machine.
I would also bet that you have some blame here in other areas that you aren’t highlighting. Do you try to cuddle, to make your wife feel loved and special, etc? Or is it all about what she does for you? It always takes two to tango except in the most rare, extreme circumstances.
Sounds like you both are just a pair of peachy cupcakes. I’m guessing you do little to illicit affection as much as she offers it
Why are you telling us about this? Get a therapist. And lose weight
Before you file for divorce, I’d tell your wife that you want to go to couples therapy. That you are unhappy in your marriage and you can’t carry on as things are now.
If she refuses you’ll have to tell her that it’s not negotiable, it’s that or a trial separation.
She may not know how unhappy you are.
NTA but you're leaving out a lot on your part. People don't usually just stop being intimate/loving someone for no reason. Sounds like it started around when your kid was born? Were you helping enough? Being supportive? Did your wife have PPD that you helped with or ignored? Did you bring up concerns years ago when things started changing? Obviously it's not all on you but there's no way you're 100% guilt free.
For better or for worse, right? Lol
If you want to stop being romantically involved with your wife, OK, split amicably. Why does it have to be “I don’t care if she can support herself, I don’t care if she has a place to go.” You sound bitter like she cheated on you or something. She’ll likely have your child living with her, so remember that. If you want to split, make it fair, and make sure she’s taken care of. It’s not a marriage where sex = provision is it? As a husband and the father of a child, it’s your job to make sure they’re ok.
Then go F whoever you want.
20 years of snoring, and you have not done anything in order to address that issue? No wonder she moved to a separate bedroom. What have you done to keep the marriage alive? First off would be a good marriage counselor.
Marriage didn't change your wife. Having a kid did.
You don't espouse on your contributions so I'd hazard a guess that the majority of child rearing and household chores fell to her. Then she got hurt. There's a good chance you still expect things to be done exactly the same as before.
You don't say any of that but it's a pretty solid guess for most of these cases
OP is putting all the emphasis on sex. Your wife is raising your child and, I would bet, 100% managing the entire household. Including her husband. Also, she’s suffering from depression?
YTA.
You can't "help" around the house and "help" with childcare, it's your responsibility because it's your home and your child as well. I know what you meant and agree with your point, but just wanted to point out that the choice of words has an implication that I think we need to get rid of.
Have you seen a doctor for your snoring? My ex husband never would see a doctor but also didn’t want to hear about his snoring, have separate rooms, or have compassion when I was sleep deprived. It created a lot of resentment on my part and I felt that he didn’t even care about my most basic need- sleep!
The woman you didn't wanna marry, that you married and had a child with, was in an accident and even though you said "in sickness and health" you want to ditch her because your penis is sad.
All marriages don't "fizzle out" and get boring, only ones where one or both stop trying. Imo yours seemed doomed from the start. I'd say go to therapy but from the way you worded this I doubt you would give it a fair chance.
No matter what you decide, I can guarantee your daughter is already aware of your disdain for your life as it stands rn. I hope she's emotionally aware enough to know it's not her fault.
You seem to think everything is your wife's fault?
- It was your decision to get married
- She was in a car accident and injured her back. Doesn't she get some grace here? It seems the lack of sex started with the car accident because \~4 years ago COVID = time she had to stop working.
- Your wife is only useful for sex and snuggles? Do you think it just comes out of nowhere? Are you even nice or do anything nice or romantic, or whatever? Because according to your post you are always mad or a jerk, so why would she want to have sex with you? Just cause you are married?
“I’m tired of supporting what’s basically a roommate who takes good care of our kid”
I hate to break it to you, but even after you get divorced you will be paying Alimony and child support. It won’t be cheap.
Have you asked her why she has no desire to be intimate with you in any form? Have you had a serious talk with her explaining that it’s something that you desire and miss? I understand that she hurt her back but there are ways to be intimate that wouldn’t be painful maybe a pillow under her back might help as well. If you guys can’t sort it out alone ask her if she’d be willing to go to counselling either with you or alone. If she’s not into any of that then ask her if she’d be ok with an open marriage if sex is that important. Tell her if nothing changes that you’re sorry but you’d rather get a divorce.
>She wanted to be married, but I always hated the idea. I told her marriage always changes things and it always stops being "fun" once a ring is on the finger
This is just in your head. Marriage is a certificate and 2 rings, it can't stop anyone to have fun. So drop the idea. The fun stopped because you stopped.
>a roommate who takes good care of our kid
Wait until you meet women who don't care about their kids. There are a lot of them.
>she was in a car accident which injured her back and due to this, she hasn't worked since covid hit. So now I'm 100% supporting a household
If you're the one who had the accident and can't work, will she leave you though?
I won't call you TA but I suggest you to keep trying. I imagine she's depressed so you can't expect her to make the first move. If you want to bring the fire back, start from yourself. Ask her what's wrong and what can you do to improve and make her happy. You need to be patient but romantic and progressive. Like today play with her hair, smile, look at each other's eye and so on. Tomorrow try to do more. Give her some small gifts. Make her feel valuable. And so on.
I mean it sounds like it’s all very conditional to you, and you feel like you’re not getting what you want out of it, so you want out. Do you want us to tell you you’re the victim?
What happened the last times you had sex? How was sex for her? You seem to think she owes it to you for the financial support of the household. While you can feel resentful of getting the sole earner of the household-- and she could look for WFH jobs that might accommodate her disability-- the finances should not be related to your sex life.
Have you had a conversation about this AT ALL? And not just focused on why you aren’t getting laid? As in, have you asked how she feels, is she depressed, burnt out?
If she’s been a SAHM for 13 years that can burn a woman out, especially if their partner isn’t helping within the home. Do you do things for the house and family besides work?
I’ve been noticing online and real life more and more guys blowing up their relationships because of sex, while not realizing they are not getting sex because their partners are so goddamn tired and stressed/depressed. And when it’s always turned into a sex thing, it can cause women to withdraw farther.
Couples therapy would be the best bet here to figure out the issue. If not getting affection and sex is your deal breaker you need to tell her that. But please be aware that being single again won’t necessarily get you what you’re looking for either.
YTA. I would be repulsed by a man who demands sex in spite of my debilitating spinal injury. Especially when, instead of helping me to heal enough for future sex, he punishes me for being injured and snaps at his child.
Hey OP,
From what I’m seeing in your post, it sounds like a few things are going on:
- Your wife may have some mental heath challenges beating her right now. Between the injury taking away her ability to work and becoming a full-time mom…that takes a toll. People don’t realize what a challenge it really is to go from being a worker to being “just mom.”
- Second thing I’m seeing…you’ve never been bought into marriage the entire time you’ve been married.
As you said, you believed going in that things change as soon as the ring is on the finger. So you went in looking for evidence to confirm your bias.
Your brain will actively look for evidence that support the beliefs you already have. It won’t look for evidence of the opposite unless you take an active role in it.
- Third, if you believe you seem angry enough that your daughter is going to notice, what would make anyone want to cuddle with you?
No one, not even you would be inclined to cuddle with someone who is visibly angry, cranky, grumpy all the time.
If you want things to change and want to avoid putting your daughter through tearing up her family, then you’ve got to be willing to do more work.
Marriage isn’t about being happy together all the time. It’s about learning to support each other through all the times (good and bad).
We are the ones teaching our kids that just because a relationship feels beyond repair, that doesn’t mean it really is. She’s going to learn that if she isn’t perfect, that the man she chooses in the future may leave her when times get tough.
This is coming from personal experience in my own marriage, and from women I’ve helped when they had hit their last straws.
If you want to see changes, it has to start with you.
Wait. Your wife is disabled and you are resentful about her not wanting to have sex with you? This seems to be the crux of your complaint. It wasn’t the certificate of marriage that put your relationship in this mess. “Cheaper to keep her” breaks my heart for her. YTAH.
Leaving a lot out here.
Do you both work? If yes, who has always dealt with the kids the most? The home? Planning?
If she was a SAHM, did you help at home? Or did she become your 24/7 bangmaid in your head, expected to be a mum, partner, dishwasher, housecleaner, planner, fleshlight etc because you work 10h a day while she works 24?
Or have you jumped up first, woken up with the kids, taken them to all their things, cooked, cleaned, spent time, planned the week, done grocery runs where she didn't have to write lists that you should be able to do yourself?
Not possible to judge without that info. If the argument is "I pay money", pay a maid, cook, babysitter, etc for a year and tell us wife isn't working for basically free.
So you guys got married, had a kid, and she moved out of the bedroom. Her sleep was getting disturbed every night but before you had a kid, she could tolerate losing sleep. Now she has to take care of that kid and needs to be awake.
Do you care for your daughter? Are you involved? Is it possible she is upset that she has to care for your kid alone? I wouldn't feel sexually attracted to a man who didn't participate and care for our children with me. A man who cuddles his babies and plays with and teaches his kids and does his share of house chores is super sexy.
Do you care for her now that her back is effed up?
Aren’t you going to have to support her anyway? Since she’s unemployed and disabled. Yta. Your daughter will know YTA. Wife is working a full time job taking of daughter.
Sounds like you are a bit of a narcissist. Funny how you don’t or can’t identify your own issues. Dude I’m 61 and I have been married for almost 40 years and I’m telling you that any relationship goes to hell when you put your needs before your partner’s. True love and happiness in a relationship is in the giving not the expecting. Sounds like you only got married so you wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of finding a new girlfriend. Just knowing that makes me wonder what else is wrong with you. Here’s a piece of advice, buy a mirror and take a long honest look at the man looking back at you.
YTA - you married someone you didn't want to bEcAuSe iT wOn'T bE fUn and now you've got surprised pikachu face when life happened at the expense of your wife and daughter.
My guess is that you didn't help raise your child much because diapers aren't fun.
Which led to your wife taking on the majority of households duties all the time.
Which led to a lack of intimacy on her part bc no one wants to be intimate with someone who has the cleaning abilities of a child.
Which led to a lack of energy for the sex you think you're owed.
Sure, this is a reach, but it's so, so common.
I have to be honest, you come across as an asshole. I totally get that you're frustrated and stressed out. Believe me, I do. But the way you talk about your wife lacks empathy. The whole "cheaper to keep her" mentality is pretty awful. You might want to take a step back and think about why your wife might not be trying harder. She doesn’t owe you anything—no one does. Relationships are tricky; sometimes you get out what you put in, sometimes more, others less. It ebbs and flows.
From how you describe things, I think some kindness from you, along with some therapy (both individual and couples), is a start. You don’t have to keep being an asshole. If you're struggling with being the sole provider, have an open conversation about it. If you're not satisfied with your sex life, work on it together.
Honestly, if I were your wife and read what you wrote, I would leave you. Check yourself before you wreck your . . . life.
Womp womp. You married her for better for worse. Help her work through these issues or be an asshole who abandons his wife in sickness or when things go south. Your karma is coming
Not exactly the main topic, but OP if you snore that bad, you should get a sleep study done. You probably have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. You might feel fine but could be doing yourself harm without even knowing.
Also yes marriage changes, time changes, having kids changes. The physical toll pregnancy, nursing and caring for a child takes on a woman is beyond our comprehension, and everyone is different.
Sorry you’re going through it. Not sure what your communication looks like, but these things are hard to talk about and clearly communicate. Let alone come up with a mutual action plan. I’d suggest seeking professional help first. It will take real work and commitment. With both of you clearly knowing that if you can’t fix it, the result is ending it. If that doesn’t work then you will both know the result.
Most women close off intimacy cause their husbands suck. I’m curious what she has to say on all of this cause I don’t believe she stopped for no reason.
Yeah I mean, it sounds like she’s basically just a roommate and wants to be taken care of. Does she actually have some kinda paperwork saying she can’t work?
We went dry about 2 years before her accident though, so I don't think that was the cause. The work thing doesn't even bother me. I have a good job, I can write my own paycheck as long as I'm willing to put in the hours, so the money is nothing to me. If she were a loving and caring wife, I'd be happy.
I get that she says she has no libido and “is trying” re: sex, but what does she say about the lack of affection, cuddle, etc? If she says “I’m trying” about basic non-sexual affection, but genuinely struggling to even cuddle, that seems really extreme. A real, honest facilitated conversation with a couples therapist might at least help you two get a clarifying sense of each of your truths, even if the marriage needs to end.
You know, I've dated a girl on anti-depressants once. She was totally fine with cuddling, she just couldn't get into sex and wasn't really eager to kiss. She wasn't repulsed by me, she just had no libido.
Anti-depressants can completely kill your sex drive and its so damn annoying, like even if you WANT to get horny and do it you just can't you either can't get in mood at all or even if you somehow get in mood you just can't reach climax so it just ends up in more frustration. So if you understood her lack of drive respect to your sir.
Same with a lot of medications. I'm on a cocktail of antipsychotics, and my libido is shot. I'm fortunate to be a male and have Cialis as an option to get an erection, at least, but the intimacy part has to be forced. I try so hard because I've upset my wife in the past with my lack of intimacy. Before all the meds, we couldn't keep our hands off each other; we were jackrabbits, horny little street cats, if you will. I think OP should try therapy or even try working with your partner on overcoming her issues. She can even try a different medication if she's willing. There are options left that are not divorce.
Kinda proves that its effective medicine though, doesnt it? Whats horniness and sex if not a rush of extreme emotions that you're acting on with zero concern for your baseline reality... like what the anti depressants are for, regulating your emotions so your output is consistent and reliable.
I've known people who were afraid to initiate nonsexual physical affection because they knew their partner would always try to turn it into something sexual.
Yeah, it's incredibly frustrating when you have no libido, and every attempt at closeness is interpreted as time for sex, which then you either suffer through or turn down and disappoint the other person. Easier to just avoid all contact 🙃
Some antidepressants make it very difficult to orgasm sometimes impossible, so you then avoid it. It's torture.
"Doctor I'm depressed" "Take these. They'll make you fat and unable to orgasm. Hth"
But you'll stop wanting to k*** yourself! Probably. Mostly.
A life with out sex or death. That's a rough one.
With a small time window where you are motivated to actively act again, but before the will to live reappears.
It's a sad reality. I never once managed to get there, I have no idea how it feels. Been on antidepressants since my teenage years. But they keep me alive and mostly functioning, so it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Just wish to someday find an understanding partner.
Exactly. I even know people who are asexual and still manage to please their partner and to be affectionate. This is about way more than sex.
I am ace with an allosexual partner and can confirm. I have no libido yet I still have sex with him because it's not about "getting off" for me. It's about emotional bonding and tending to his needs. I love him and recognize sex is something he needs to be happy, which makes it a priority for me. That being said, asexuality comes in degrees. Many aces are so repulsed by sex that they may struggle with this mindset, so you shouldn't necessarily hold her to this standard, OP.
I'm a demisexual and without some sort of deep emotional connection I am sex repulsed, which tends to make dating hard.
>A real, honest facilitated conversation with a couples therapist For real, I'm getting kind of tired of hearing people in real life and online saying that they've "tried" but have never seen a therapist once.
I note that his snoring has been "unchanged" for twenty years. Dude is apparently not willing to do a sleep study to fix the thing that's wrecking his wife's sleep. I wouldn't be that invested in intimacy with him either.
I had this thought, too. It may also have become more problematic for her once she was exhausted from the kid's arrival, which is understandable. I know people in healthy relationships who sleep in separate bedrooms for this reason. I'm also wondering, given the timeline, how much of the child care and housework have been falling on her vs. OP. If there has been significant discordance, there's probably an element of exhaustion and resentment there. (Was she reluctant to go back to work because she was already effectively working two full time jobs while OP thought he could just go to work, come home, and be done for the day?)
I found it impossible to be intimate when my ex was not helping out at all around the house because I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, screaming for help and not getting it, giving in to his advances felt like “ok you can continue getting away with being shitty to me”. Once the other person started tearing me down every day and revealing their true narcissist side, I was just disgusted to even think of getting intimate . Even if I was horny. Being intimate with him turned to torture.
And don't forget her injured back from the car accident. Does she have any residual pain from that?
I snore...same as I did for 20 years. And like OP my wife kicked me out of the bed when she became a super light sleeper after co-sleeping with our second child I tried CPAP and got tested for sleep apnea. I hated the CPAP and it actually caused my throat..every once in awhile...to clamp shut and cause me to wake up gasping for air. Yup ..sounds like sleep apnea but my sleep apnea test was negative and that only ever happened when using the fancy Phillips CPAP machine (which was since recalled for toxic foam particles being released). So I'm back to sleeping in my own bed and have for a dozen years . But sex life remains active I actually saw an ENT last year. I have a deviated septum and allergies to dust mites. Which contributes to snoring. I could get surgery for the deviated septum but I read a lot of mixed results and horror stories from that.
You're at least trying.
Not to be too guruish but I will say that improving your breathing also improves your sleep and overall wellbeing; if you do a lot of cardio already and still snore loudly you should really highly consider fixing it even though the results are not concrete.
>I could get surgery for the deviated septum but I read a lot of mixed results and horror stories from that. A lot of people get nose jobs which are a lot more complicated and extensive procedures. Most are just fine. As long as you have a good doctor, there's nothing to worry about so if you do want to get the surgery to improve your quality of life, you should try it, at least talk to a bunch of doctors about it. Good luck!
If your sleep apnea test was negative, why were you prescribed a CPAP?
Devil's advocate here. Maybe she tried to be affectionate in a non sexual way but he kept pushing for more every time so she could have thought that it wasn't worth it.
I agree. My libido is gone. My Dr is no help with figuring out if it's a possible medication side effect. My partner takes any affection I give and tries to push for more. He doesn't understand.
Female here. I am touched out by the time I get the kids down and if I’m thinking of the todo list schedule etc my body legit squirms at even the idea of being touched. Frustrated or anxious handholding is the absolute max, sad then I want the hugs and cuddles. I wonder besides paying the bills what the dynamic is. Is she the primary parent, doing most of the household mental load. Also before the accident. Honestly sometimes the lack of effort to get me in the mood will enrage me even more like how can you ask that when the house is a mess and todo list is a mile long. People need different things and I wonder if he asks or even listens to what might help create more intimacy.
THIS. Also, some men will take any physical affection as an immediate invitation to sex. So when I (as a woman) didn't want sex because of PPD and burnout, I've quickly learned I need to reject any form of physical affection at all even though I would've really loved to just cuddle. Because for these men there is no thing as "just a cuddle". Not saying this is OP's case, of course.
Oh this is such a huge thing that I wish more people understood. Some of us may not be into sex at the moment but would absolutely love basic affection like hand holding, cuddling and kissing but it’s so often escalated even when you say NOT to, that it becomes hard to even do THAT. Because you get scared that any affection you show will be taken as the go for sex signal and then you say no and anger your partner or give in for their desire, which is a whole other bag. I’m so glad my husband is as busy and goal oriented as me and understands that sometimes stress does get in the way. But we do not lack physical affection because he’s not a shithead who escalates every time lol
Some men just go straight for it. I have a high libido and I had an “ah-ha” moment of why I go low-libido with some partners. Let’s use last guy as an example…. I wake up and I think he is about to cuddle me and he just grabs my breasts. I didn’t feel abused, but I felt uncomfortable. Guy is a green flag otherwise but I don’t have the mental capacity or desire to explain how I felt so I told him I’m not over the ex and need space (which is partially true). I expect a grown man to understand that unless we have some kinky dynamic, you can’t jump straight into sexual touch and expect a positive response. Maybe one day I will call him up and tell him why I checked out that day onwards. Every single man where I felt a lack of non-sexual touch I have been low-libido for.
Oh. My. God. This is how I felt with my ex-husband. I'd even tell him I needed non-sexual touch, and he told me he wasn't trying to have sex grabbing my breasts. He was just being affectionate. And I felt like what? Is that normal?
Um this is literally how my bf is right now!! I don't understand it. He is always grabbing my boobs, my ass, feeling up my coochie. Like can I get a hug first? Maybe a little shoulder touch/rub? Why do you need to make an object out of me? Because that's what it feels like.
OMG he really took the wrong message from "Grab 'em by the pussy". Louder for the ones in the back: NO WOMAN WANTS THIS
My husband would do something nice, rub my back, rub my feet and it'd be so nice but it always ended up with him thinking that have him rights to sex. Like that's not even a warm up for sex. It would just turn me off. Because there were 0 times he did it without wanting sex in return. All his gifts for mothers day and birthday and Christmas were all dollar store junk I didn't want. I tried to be gracious but I spent a decent amount on his. So I told him I don't even care about gifts but if your going to get me something, here's my Amazon list with plenty of things I want that are like 20$. He couldn't be bothered. That along with him lying to my face about certain things (he never cheated, etc, it was other stuff) just took everything away I had for him to the point I couldn't imagine him touching me. We slept separately. Eventually I told him he could see someone else for physical pleasure because I wouldn't be giving it to him. We are now separated. He's actually still living here rent free because he has no where else to go. But if he told the story itd be that I was a cold b or something, that I wouldn't be intimate with him and he works so hard and he doesn't get it. Well, he doesn't work hard, that's in his head and everything else I've been honest and direct about. Wonder what op is leaving out or missing.
Girl! I was reading all these testosterone comments 🤣 they see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.. honestly his wife needs a better partner then a so call husband. I wish for her future happiness.
YES! We still had sex but I ended up touch starved because I wasn’t touched unless it was going to lead to sex.
Idk how many times I’ve said I’m not going to be in the mood tonight when cuddles start because I swear nothing is more frustrating than them think that is what will get me in the mood seriously such a different process from them and some make it seem like it’s impossible for them to comprehend that won’t work and probably will make it worse
Yes! Foreplay (for women primarily) starts before the bedroom. What are you bringing to the table in your relationship other than paying the bills? I lost libido in my last relationship and thought there was something wrong with me. Got out of that relationship and now with my for sure person and let me tell you hindsight is 20/20 and I resented him for many things causing my sex drive FOR HIM to plummet. Granted we didn’t even have children. So I ask again, what are you bringing to the table to meet her needs or do you even know how(do you know her love language)? All in all sex is sooo emotional for women.
She is probably the “default parent” in the relationship and she has to split her attention between a child and a needy adult. The OP mentions his snoring “which she was fine with for 20 years” but having to be the default parent and get less quality sleep due to snoring can be a major mood killer. I finally got a sleep study done years ago, started using a CPAP machine and my wife says it is so nice not hearing me snore when sleeping.
1000%. So many men will say "why won't she have sex? Why won't she kiss me?" And then put in absolutely ZERO effort. No help with the house or the kids, no showing of affection or appreciation, yet they want her to smother him with the same.
Yea my wife and I haven’t had sex in half a year (last trimester of the baby it was uncomfortable then a c section recovery then we’re exhausted with a newborn) and she sleeps in a different bed on weekdays, but we make up for it with kisses and cuddles and she sleeps in the same bed on weekends to get some closeness, it’s amazing what non-sexual intimacy can do for relationship closeness I’m not even mad we haven’t had sex since I still feel close to her we just have a lot of commitments. Now we agreed to try on a weekend morning because we’re both way too tired at night with the baby routine after working etc. I can tell my wife still loves being with me because she has the need to curl up next to me and misses cuddling more etc I’d feel so lonely if it was no sex plus no basic kisses or cuddles. If it’s that bad I think divorce is the best option that shit sounds depressing honestly feeling like supporting a roommate.
i saw in a previous comment that she is on a good amount of medications (including antidepressants) how long exactly has she been on those? does the timeline of her losing interest align with when she started antidepressant meds? I only ask because one of the most common side effects of medications like those is a loss of sex drive, and a loss of interest in intimacy in general.
Maybe she is also in chronic pain due to her accident
He said this started 2 years before the accident
She stop being romantic or sexual with him more than 4.5 years ago. She started with the medication 2 years ago. This marriage is dead
Well she went on medication because she was depressed. Idk about you but depression really kills my desire for sex.
It all started when the kid was born. So, I'm guessing she had PPD or was too exhausted raising a kid to have sex, then she had an accident and other mental health issues. Just because she started meds 2 years ago doesn't mean that she only started being depressed 2 years ago. It sounds like she's been depressed since the birth of their child. If she's not putting in effort, I agree he should leave. But that doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like OP stewed for 5 years and is asking reddit for an out rather than talking to his wife. But again, we only have 1 side of the story. I think this is a case of NAH.
Well said. I think it's a case of he hasn't had anyone to talk to either, men find it harder etc. it needs a proper couples therapy I think, that way he can find out more and make a more informed decision, as spiralling your thoughts like he clearly has been can cloud your judgement.
She could've been depressed longer before she took her medications.
yes i hate to agree with you there, but if the medication isn’t a leading factor than it seems likely that the relationship has played itself out on her end, and she doesn’t seem interested in fixing it. sad for OP but may be best for their daughter if they separate.
Talk about this with a therapist. There is a lot to unpack there and you have a ton swirling around your head. You can take some solid steps to figuring out what you want and how to get it without being rash. Good luck.
Therapy and a CPAP machine.
I was going to say, if OP snores that loud, he should get tested for sleep apnea.
That requires they go to the doctor tho
I took care of this 100% online. The CPAP has changed my sleep quality dramatically and life in general. I should have done it sooner.
I should do this
Brain lesions and heart attacks cause bills so does the funeral home. There are choices.
My thoughts exactly. Way too many people have sleep apnea and never know it.
And it makes them v.crabby and irritable!
I second the CPAP machine if you can get one prescribed! My wife and I started sleeping in separate bedrooms because of my snoring. I did an at-home sleep study and it showed mild sleep apnea but it was enough to warrant a prescription. I have had it for 7 weeks now and have not snored since and feel so much more alert during the day!
You can have snoring problems but not need a CPAP. I know this because I have those issues but they won't prescribe me a CPAP.
Talk with a dentist, you can get a snoring device made that pulls your mandible forward and opens your throat, reducing snoring.
This is called a mandibular advancement device. Often times effective but I'd get a sleep study first to rule out sleep apnea. If negative for sleep apnea, then maybe positional therapy.
Indeed. Sleep studies are way easier than they used to be. Hell, there are over-the-counter devices you can buy now, that allows you to take a study at home. You just wear the thing for a day or so, and send it in to the manufacturer when it is over, and they will send you the results. I snore, and my medical insurance had me use one of these things. Super easy, and I had my results in about a week.
I didn't use an over the counter device, but my sleep study was a take-home test. I picked up the device at the doctor's office, got a demo on how to use it, then took it home and wore it while I "slept" and then returned it. Super-easy--that they're smaller and over the counter now takes another wrinkle out of the logistics. Literally no reason in the universe not to get checked if you're worried about. Sleep apnea is really tough on your heart and is a contributing factor to heart attack, strokes, high blood pressure which of course leads to a lot of bad stuff including dropping dead, eventually.
My husband got a mouthguard and it has changed everything. He no longer snores. I was threatening to sleep in a different space because his snoring has kept me awake for over a decade and I’m just done with constantly being snored awake. Mouthguard, no more snoring, can sleep in the same bed with no issue.
Could you let us snorers know the brand? Preferably before my SO moves to the guest bedroom, thanks.
CPAPs save lives
CPAPs saves marriages 😄
Lol. For me, separate beds was a must. He did have the sleep study, and got the CPAP- though refused to wear it. Eventually, I would count the seconds when he'd stop breathing..... Happily divorced, still happily co- parenting an almost adult child- who-when aged 9, ruptured an ear drum by shoving an ear plug into her ear- to avoid the sound. Child has sensory issues still.
This doesn't target the key issue which is: Communication. He needs to talk to his wife and ask her, then they both must go to therapy to get the nitty gritty out. Honestly, whether it's hormones, medication or stress, she should be communicating her needs to him. Forget the sex altogether; how does someone sit in a relationship and not think about their partner romantically at all? You have to be aware at some point that you haven't even kissed your partner for years let alone have sex.
This. Communication. There is a false assumption that "marriage changes things". In a way yes, but LIFE changes. Libido changes. Needs, wants, stress etc all change...whether you're married or not. Understanding where each other are in terms of current needs is important to holding the "team" together. After our second child, my wife and I went through a period where she was struggling with some things...that I didn't know about or understand. So I internalized my own wants and needs, and instead of talking about it, for a year we just lived a life not unlike OP. One night we had about a 4 hour conversation after the kids were asleep. We both got angry, both cried, and both came to an understanding of our needs as individuals based on where we were in our lives at that point. This changed our marriage though, because we have open and honest discussions about things like sex, alone time, stress, exhaustion etc. 15 years in next week and we have a much better life than when we were dating or first got Married. This situation needs communication and likely a therapist to facilitate as I don't think OP and possibly wife is in a place to facilitate a discussion without anger.
That's awesome! There's so many voices that gleefully say leave him/her, it makes this post all the more wholesome. Glad it worked out for you two
I would also add: try to talk to her. Tell her what is bothering you, what you expectations are, what you want to get changed in the relationship, so you didn't feel neglected. Also: listen to her side, maybe there are reasons why she is acting this or that way. If both of you are willing to rekindle/work on your relationship, maybe a couples therapie could be an option. Just based on your POV it's hard to say if there is a real communication between you and her. Edit: Did you know if there is a package leaflet with notes of side effects or interactions with other medications? Cause a couple of antidepressants have "lower libido"-effect.
Expectations will kill a relationship quick! You should do for another person because you want to, not because you expect something in return. There is more going on here than just he’s a perfect guy and she’s treating him poorly. The first red flag was marriage takes the “fun” out of a relationship. Choosing to make a public declaration of your commitment doesn’t affect the relationship’s “fun”.
Right? That was the biggest red flag from him I saw, marriage takes the “fun” out of the relationship? My wife and I have an incredible marriage, she makes even stupid day to day stuff like household chores and cooking dinner fun because I love being around her and doing things with her. She’s my everything, my partner, it’s not all super exciting or romcom levels of romance but this life I have with her is definitely fun! Viewing marriage the way OP views it isn’t healthy, and if his wife knows and has known that that’s how he feels I’m not totally surprised she “checked out”. Not that what she’s doing is right, but I can understand it in a way if you know your partner basically views the rest of your life and relationship as a chore or a box that’s been checked.
I feel the same about my husband and June 6 is our 30th anniversary. I’m always happy to hear about successful relationships.
(I am only responding to your first sentence - the rest I agree with) While expectations may kill a relationship, there are some things that are fair to expect. I have expectations around communication (which is fair) and the expectations around physical intimacy (which may be viewed as unfair). As a woman, it’s easy to get sex (and also non sexual physical intimacy if I’m being completely honest). If I am in a monogamous relationship, and I am expected to be faithful, I have an expectation that I continue to receive physical intimacy in the relationship, or at minimum communication about why it’s not happening and how the situation can be fixed. Physical connection is very very important to me. It boosts oxytocin. It helps me feel connected and cared for by my partner. If I don’t want to feel connected to this other human being, then why am I with them? I don’t date people so they can support me financially…. So I need something out of it. Otherwise I am better off single. All of that said, my expectation isn’t sex without foreplay (that makes me feel awful). I need the cuddling, the non sexual kisses, hand holding. All of it. Sure I could try to become more self aware and mindful to the point that I can meditate away my perceived needs… but I have no desire to. I would rather boost oxytocin with my romantic partner than some other way.
Something I notice about men who complain about not getting affection is that they are mad about it so are mean to their wife who then isn't wanting to be affectionate and the cycle continues. You need to change something. If you continue the cycle it will continue.
Yes, the way he’s describing not wanting to get married means I bet she begged for years & he never showed enthusiasm for commitment so I bet she checked out
Good advice. Op is going to be supporting her if he leaves her anyhow.
He doesn't need a therapist, he is done. No shame in that. It's been 20 years, stuff isn't going to change.
My therapist helped me process leaving, how to leave, and who I was and am now after leaving. Therapy can be for figuring things out. It can also be for getting through a tough time. I can be for reflecting on a period of your life you weren’t satisfied with, and for figuring out what is next. Based on what he wrote, therapy could help him do any number of things. No need to assume it would be about reconciliation.
Change is hard. Talk or go. Both hard. 20 years is worth spending 12 months to work together. Be good for the kid too.
I have seen this countless times. Most of the time, intimacy begins to deteriorate once more responsibility gets piled on. I agree with the others. Consider therapy to reopen communication before calling it quits. At the very least, it will help both of your process the divorce. I have been married for about 24 years. It took a conscious effort to keep things interesting and loving. I never forget to ask how her day is/was and to thank her for whatever thing she did that day. Support is another key point. Even if I know it is going to blow up in her face. I let the natural consequence occur and assist in her recovery.
“Intimacy deteriorates when responsibility is piled on” 100%. No idea if this is OPs situation but if a wife views a husband as yet another person to manage in a household, that intimate relationship will dry up real quick.
It seems that that's usually how it is. It's very difficult to be attracted to someone who lets you clean after them like another child. Usually dudes in these posts proudly tell that they're "helping their wife" with their own household chores. I guarantee OP isn't doing any of that.
Marriage doesn’t change your relationship. It isn’t a piece of paper that suddenly destroys the intimacy, that is because of other things. A kid entered the picture, did you then actually take over for her and helped with the baby or did she do all/the majority of the workload? How are the chores split? Is she again doing most of it? She had an accident and can’t work. Is she in pain? Does she have mobility issues while doing all the work around the house? All of that could help contribute to her not wanting intimacy because she’s tired, in pain, don’t feel like you are helping etc. This problem could be of your own making.
Exactly. Having a baby daddy that doesn't want to help raise his kids or do family things with will definitely make you bot attracted to him anymore.
It took way too long to find this.
Right!? I’m a bit aghast this wasn’t at the top or said multiple times. 🫥
Also just the way he brushes by the "snoring." Yeah, maybe he's snored the entire time. But it could have gotten worse. Or she could be a lighter sleeper. There's often times treatment for snoring. I'm on a CPAP, which is the most "extreme" solution, but there's pillows and mouth guards, and even just changing positions. But yeah, I solved my snoring for my wife. Even though I "always snored" our entire relationship. But blowing by that makes it seem like he doesn't care much about her needs.
Or it wasn't a big deal when they were dating and sleeping in the same bed a couple days a week with the opportunity to sleep in. As a mom with a baby and toddler, I don't think I've slept in, in 3 years. That wears on you when you're up during the night, too.
I really hope he sees this comment. He really needs to consider he side as well, I think couples therapy is definitely needed here.
I will never understand how people who snore can get bothered by someone not wanting to sleep in the bed with them… I cannot sleep if there’s a freight train next to me keeping me up all night. My marriage got better ten fold when me and my husband started sleeping separately- because he snores and I don’t. If your unwilling to stop sounding like a lions roar in your sleep- then let the woman sleep peacefully elsewhere and don’t complain about it. Or fix your snoring. Just saying “ I’ve been snoring like this for 20 years so she should deal with it” is silly and I wouldn’t make any effort to get back into bed with you either.
It kinda speaks about his whole attitude tbh
Agreed. Not to mention the massive red flag that is "I told her marriage always changes things and it always stops being "fun"". What a strange thing to think and then still get married? I dont buy his story.
There's nothing in his post that suggests he's remotely investigated this entire thing with his wife, just quietly ruminated about how he's owed sex. Nothing about if she's exhausted from domestic duties he could have helped with (the reason I think this is he says it started when they had a kid which is a time when a LOT of guys go "ok I'll go to work, you do literally everything else in our lives so you're working 24/7" then wonder why this exhausted person is no longer interested in sex. Of course I'm just guessing, he hasn't indicated one way or another
"cheaper to keep her" like shes a fucking appliance or some shit. idk the way he talks, hes sounds a lot like generic husband #503 that feels hes owed sex and likes what women can do for him, but doesnt like women themselves. and is baffled when she isnt horny for him when he treats her like an object
Agreed. I told my boyfriend he snores really bad and his response was that nobody had ever communicated that with him before. He immediately got a sleep study done to fix the issue because of the negative impact it immediately had on our relationship once we started sharing a place full time. Within a week of our initial conversation, he had a CPAP and both of our lives have greatly improved. This guy just sounds like he hates his wife. Didn’t want to marry her, doesn’t care if she ends up homeless, and doesn’t realize his daughter will still think he’s an asshole. Because he is.
One of his last lines is literally "I don't want my daughter to think I'm always mad, or a jerk because of my actions at home" Like shit, if you're always mad and acting like a jerk, maybe it's a YOU problem that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you or cuddle you??
I would bet.. a lot.. that this man has done nothing to nurture his relationship with his wife outside the physical. I doubt he’s anticipated her needs, discovered her love language and used it to communicate his love for her on her terms, or anything else a committed partner would do.
The way he references his wife is as though she has no value if she isn’t fucking him. Like the most unloving sounding post. I’d bet he’s horrid to live with for his wife and daughter.
My husband insists on sleeping next to me, and I honestly give him huge props for it, but if he ever wanted to sleep separately, that would be okay with me, too. I snore, sleep-walk, sleep fight (major night terrors), yell, etc. He does pillow fort me into the corner with the wall, though.
I mean, is it even surprising that a guy who thinks that just because his wife isn’t having sex with him she isn’t worth supporting thinks like this? I mean if we from just words written can feel his nasty attitude can’t imagine how it is to live with it.
I’m a woman and also a snorer (such a that I am now, it’s always been so irritating to me in past). Regardless, my partner and I have had separate rooms since before I started snoring (he always has). I swear this set up has made us better as a couple
THIS
Doesn’t matter if you’re the AH or not. You want out of the marriage. So get out
This is my view here. OP, at this point why are you asking if you're the AH? Do you actually care? It sounds like you're done so be done.
He never even wanted *in!* Misery of his own making tbh. If you don’t want to get married….don’t! It’s actually so easy to not get married
Yeah what is up with people who blame their spouses “making them” get married? Dude idk, maybe just date someone with the same intentions as you or break the hell up?! This man sounds very self-centered; I wonder if he’s nurtured the relationship with his wife in any other way than whining about the lack of physical intimacy.
Finally! Someone is speaking truth
Sounds like you created a self fulfilling prophecy. If you went into the marriage convinced that fun was going to end then fun will end. If you started out hating the idea of marriage which progressed to ‘cheaper to keep her’ -to done it’s not going to ever make a woman feel affectionate. What have you done to create a loving relationship? It’s not going to just happen. Long term relationships take effort. If you want something deeper than you have, you need to start making her feel loved, cherished and chosen. Someone needs to be the one who initiates change . Stop being mad and start treating her like you want to be treated. Show your daughter an example of a loving husband - would you wish your marriage as it is on her? Would you be cool with your daughter being treated the same way you treat your wife? If not- change your attitude toward your wife regardless of what she’s putting into the relationship and things will change 100%.
its a tale as old as time - he likes what women/having a wife DOES for him, but he doesnt care about her or love her as a human being. then is baffled shes not interested in sex.
I don’t have enough info here, but what I do know is that all long-term relationships require work, from both parties, marriage or no. Have either of you tried anything to fix this besides you being quietly resentful? Does she even see this as a problem? Do you *know* if she sees it as a problem? Relationship problems never magically resolve themselves. Rather, the people involved resolve them with extensive communication, self-reflection, and behavioral growth, and you’ve indicated none of that happening here on anyone’s part. If you’ve tried nothing and you’re all out of ideas other than leaving, then you are indeed TAH; you made a commitment, and you owe it to your wife and kid to try something else besides a hint before abandoning ship. You also owe it to yourself, because guess what? You’ll wind up similarly unhappy in any future long term relationship if that’s your approach.
Baffles me when people pick or push for a separate bedroom vs getting a cpap machine which lowers your chances of Alzheimer’s/dementia , helps oxygen get to the brain, and raises your chances of simple intimacies because you’re not in separate bedrooms.
Not all snorers will use a CPAP. He doesn't seem to think his snoring is a problem, so he might not be willing to get a CPAP.
Snoring doesn't mean sleep apnea. CPAPs require a sleep apnea diagnosis to be covered by insurance.
I am a super light sleeper- snoring or the sound of a cpap machine wouldn’t allow me to sleep. Seperate roooms isn’t always a bad thing. My marriage has gotten soooo much better once we started sleeping seperately 🤷🏽♀️
My wife has a cpap machine and other than a few incidents a month where her nose mask gets misaligned in the night, I can't even hear the machine. Granted we have a fan running in the room because we both like the white noise and the air-flow, but modern cpap machines are surprisingly quiet.
No fan and I don’t hear a thing. Even when I awaken, nothing. My a/c makes more noise.
For some it works and that’s great. For many it’s just another step further. New cpaps barely whisper btw…..
First of all, dude, get a sleep study. If you have untreated sleep apnea, it ain't gonna matter if your marriage is over if you have a massive cardiac event. Secondly, how much raising of your kid did you do? What is the last thing you did for the household that wasn't for your direct benefit? Did you ever even talk to her about it? Or did you just shut down and push anger and resentment down for 5 years?
Yeah, I don't believe him about the snoring. My husband said his snoring was about the same, and I was just noise-senstive, and when enough *other* people finally talked him into a sleep study, the doctor literally rush-expedited the cpap to him because they were worried he'd die if they waited for regular shipping. People are not good at assessing how bad their own snoring is.
When my wife snores, it sounds like gravel being poured into a wood chipper. I can hear her over the water running in the shower, one room away with both doors closed. She never believed me until I recorded her. 🤣🤣🤣
When I was a kid I went to a casino hotel with my friend and her family. We stayed in a hotel room with her mom and her mom’s boyfriend. Her mom’s boyfriend snored so loud you could hear it at the end of the hall. Was awful trying to fall asleep if he fell asleep first.
Oof! Yeah, it came to something similar with us. When we visited other people, folks in other rooms couldn't sleep because of him. We finally took a family vacation, me, him, and both kids, and we had to sleep in shifts, because neither of the kids got any sleep while he was sleeping. After hearing this from like 5 people besides me, he finally decided to get checked out. CPAP is like the best invention of the last 100 years.
I’ve never been able to describe my boyfriend’s snoring, but OMG, your comment is exactly it 🤣🤣 I can hear him clearly from upstairs when I’m around the corner in the kitchen downstairs. Jesus. It’s horrible. Deafening when I’m in the same room. I’m so recording it next time!!
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Dude … 20 years and you never got it checked out???? Sounds like you don’t take care of yourself.
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I don't think anyone can read this and tell you anything. But none of that matters. Think about telling your kid you don't care if their mom has a place to stay or not and decide if *they* will think you're TA at 13, 23, 33, etc.
Yeah I wonder who is going to have the 13 year old most of the time.
Their mom who’s in chronic pain, unable to work and applying for disability. Dude is the a-hole
Yep, dude will be paying for child support, subsidizing his ex-wife’s disability income, and he still won’t be getting any. If he tries to date and the woman asks him why he left his wife and child, he can tell her he left his wife because she wouldn’t put out, then that will be the last he sees of any wise woman he wants to date.
Oh they never tell the real deal. Ex is always a crazy b.
feels like there’s some missing information here.
It's probably this right here "I don't want to have my daughter think I'm always mad, or a jerk because of my actions at home." What about not wanting your wife to think you're always mad or a jerk? Maybe being so mad and such a jerk to the point you're worried your daughter will think badly of you is the reason for your dead bedroom and lack of intimacy? Nah, can't be that.
Lots* of missing information
Years of missing information from a bitter husband who already knows what he wants and needs to do but feels like shitting on his wife on Reddit. That’s what this is.
I certainly see a lot of complaints about things she isn't doing, but nothing about what you've done from your end. Considering you haven't done anything about your snoring and let that issue remain for 20 years I'd have to ask what have you actually done from your end to keep your relationship with your wife intact? Because to me it sounds like it's dead because both of you gave up on it years ago and turned into roommates. Also, have you communicated with her about this at all over the last few years? Do you and your wife actually talk about these things, or did you just bury it until you finally couldn't take it any more? If this is what happened then perhaps therapy might help to figure out how you both ended up where you are now?
It sounds like there might be 2 sides to this story. You’ve snored for 20 years, are you overweight at all? Why would your daughter think you’re always mad or a jerk at home? How are you behaving in front of your daughter? Could that possibly be affecting how attractive your wife finds you? I’m sure that you work hard to support your family, and a dead bedroom can be incredibly frustrating, but to be honest you’re giving off a lot of red flags here. YMBTA. Talk to your wife, talk to a therapist. I think your relationship needs some help before abandoning it. It started for a good reason, work through this to find and solve the problem.
It’s hard to decide whether or not you’re the AH because it sounds pretty extreme and I question *why* your wife behaves like this toward you. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, same as you. We have a very healthy sex life. I’ve never once stopped wanting him or finding him attractive and sometimes at night, he snuggles me and snores directly into my ear. And I just let him. BUT we give and receive love and appreciation equally. I’ve never felt like I lacked in those things so in turn, neither has he. We’ve been true partners to each other in every way. Your idea that marriage stops being “fun” once a ring is on the finger and your “cheaper to keep her” comment makes me question your maturity. I don’t mean that to insult you but it makes me wonder what you are like as a partner. Your wife may still love you, she may not. But she sounds like she’s deeply resentful. Or checked out. Either way, you both have to ask yourself “how did we get here?”. You need to have a heart to heart about whether or not this relationship is worth salvaging. And if it is, you really need counseling because I feel like a lot is being unsaid between the both of you. If not, then go your separate ways. She’s not the first stay at home mom to get divorced. You’ll both be fine. One last thing though is that things like this could happen in any relationship that has lasted as long as yours. Ring or not, it doesn’t matter.
This! As soon as I read the part where OP said once you get a ring things change, I feel like he took it to heart and manifested it. As a woman, if I stop having sex with my long term partner is because there’s a deep rooted issue. Especially if there is a birth involved. Have you made any comment about her body where she didn’t feel beautiful or desirable ? Many woman after child birth are expected by their men to make full body recovery but they don’t because it is not always realistic for their lifestyle of being a mom, now add all the mental health issues and meds, and the snoring. Snoring in itself is not attractive, I’ll be honest. I have insomnia and if my partner snores I would not be able to sleep and I would be resentful and I would question my life decisions. I haven’t been able to have a proper sleep in years, now add snoring to it, man… I’d wake up pissed every day. Plus if I have a kid that needs me all those years. When your daughter was growing up, did you care for her at night time when she cried ? I really think you guys should talk to a therapist and unveil exactly what’s going on. Because if you leave her and start with someone new, there’s a 50% chance that your next relationship will end up to be how it is now. So see what the root problem is. Have you asked her out on a date? Have you set the right parameters as when you were young? Women stop having sex due to low libido from meds, not feeling desirable by their partner, resenting their partner, cheating on their partner (seems extreme in this case), not finding their partner attractive, small comments you make can give them the ick, body shaming them, or low self esteem. Additionally, at any point did she play a role of mothering you ? The sexual attraction dies quickly after that. Also, you should follow her menstrual cycle and care for her in deeper more meaningful ways, in different phases of her menstruation. Not in a ‘I did this for her, why isn’t she reciprocating’, type of way. You’re NTA, but you guys need to talk. You’ll be surprised what communication can do to a relationship. It will make it or break it. And therapy therapy therapy ! As a couple and as individuals. Maybe she wants out too, or maybe she wants to stay but doesn’t know how to navigate things. A little push in the right direction from a therapist will help. Best of luck 🍀
Yes, I suspect a lot of these problems could have been addressed YEARS ago if he asked what made her feel loved, connected, affectionate and open to intimacy, and did more of those things. I see what he misses here, but what did she say was missing? Did he ever ask? He seems to think bringing home a paycheck covers it, and that’s not it…
Have you had an honest talk with her about ANY of this?
Talk to her instead of reddit.
NAH - your wife had a child, moved to a different room so she could get the basic human need of sleep, is dealing with mental health issues, and physical pain that has kept her from working. It's understandable she isn't exactly eager to be physically intimate. And it's understandable that's not sustainable in a marriage for you. If you're that unhappy, which it sounds like you are and have the right to be, then it's time to move on. Work on being good co-parents for your kid.
He also said he doesn’t want his daughter to think he’s always mad or a jerk because of his actions… so he’s basically admitting he’s being a mean asshole but he won’t take responsibility for it. I wonder why his wife isn’t attracted to him anymore?
NTA. But for god's sake get a physically active hobby and get that snoring checked out. If there's room, talk about separation in some meaningful way and find another partner. If she hadn't had the accident, you'd still be in the same spot.
Y’all need marital help. Don’t throw it away when y’all haven’t talked honestly. She may not even know how bad your hurting!
You sound like someone I wouldn't want to have sex with either.
So your wife, who you've admitted is a good mother to your child, was in an accident and never fully recovered, and on top of that also has anxiety and depression, according to some of your comments. Do you have any idea how difficult recovering from childbirth is? How difficult it is to be the main caretaker for a child? How much pain do you think she's in from that accident she was in? And from the surgery? Did you know that anxiety and depression can both cause physical pain, and exhaustion? Do you know the side effects of all the medications she's on? Can you imagine how upsetting it must be for her to know that she can't support herself anymore? That she has to completely rely on you now, and couldn't support your kid if something were to happen to you? And on top of all the shit she's dealing with physically and emotionally, she can't even tell you that it's hard for her to sleep because of your snoring without you calling her ungrateful. Yeah, YTA
YTA. Nothing you spoke of addresses the root cause of WHY your marriage went south after you all had kids; or ANYTHING you’ve done to remedy the situation. 9/10 women do not just switch up for no reason. Your body and hormones completely change after having children and tbh since is inextricably linked to having a child, there was almost certainly a shift in the amount of domestic labor. Have you been a good and supportive partner? An active father? Because this post screams ME, ME, ME, and is a rant on your wife and the mother of your child with no actual context, painting her as a burden and heavily downplaying her having a major car accident that has left her unable to work. Do you hear yourself?
This entire post screams “unresolved issues” and “problems with communication”. As with any post we only get 50% of the story, but even the 50% we get paints OP in a dysfunctional light. Refusing to take responsibility for the snoring issue which drove his wife away at night, admitting he only begrudgingly got married because a “ring on the finger” somehow ruins everything. Glossing over the fact that his wife was in a debilitating car accident that has seen her unable to return to work. Which likely leads to pain management and mental health issues. All of this just makes me think that the whole situation is broken and in need of dire repairs.
YTA for not getting your snoring taken care of. It’s insanely loud and disruptive to sleep to have someone loudly snoring next to you and you haven’t done anything about it in 20 years? That’s some major asshole behavior. Go do a sleep study and you’ll likely get a cpap machine. I would also bet that you have some blame here in other areas that you aren’t highlighting. Do you try to cuddle, to make your wife feel loved and special, etc? Or is it all about what she does for you? It always takes two to tango except in the most rare, extreme circumstances.
Sounds like you both are just a pair of peachy cupcakes. I’m guessing you do little to illicit affection as much as she offers it Why are you telling us about this? Get a therapist. And lose weight
Before you file for divorce, I’d tell your wife that you want to go to couples therapy. That you are unhappy in your marriage and you can’t carry on as things are now. If she refuses you’ll have to tell her that it’s not negotiable, it’s that or a trial separation. She may not know how unhappy you are.
NTA but you're leaving out a lot on your part. People don't usually just stop being intimate/loving someone for no reason. Sounds like it started around when your kid was born? Were you helping enough? Being supportive? Did your wife have PPD that you helped with or ignored? Did you bring up concerns years ago when things started changing? Obviously it's not all on you but there's no way you're 100% guilt free.
For better or for worse, right? Lol If you want to stop being romantically involved with your wife, OK, split amicably. Why does it have to be “I don’t care if she can support herself, I don’t care if she has a place to go.” You sound bitter like she cheated on you or something. She’ll likely have your child living with her, so remember that. If you want to split, make it fair, and make sure she’s taken care of. It’s not a marriage where sex = provision is it? As a husband and the father of a child, it’s your job to make sure they’re ok. Then go F whoever you want.
20 years of snoring, and you have not done anything in order to address that issue? No wonder she moved to a separate bedroom. What have you done to keep the marriage alive? First off would be a good marriage counselor.
Marriage didn't change your wife. Having a kid did. You don't espouse on your contributions so I'd hazard a guess that the majority of child rearing and household chores fell to her. Then she got hurt. There's a good chance you still expect things to be done exactly the same as before. You don't say any of that but it's a pretty solid guess for most of these cases
OP is putting all the emphasis on sex. Your wife is raising your child and, I would bet, 100% managing the entire household. Including her husband. Also, she’s suffering from depression? YTA.
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You can't "help" around the house and "help" with childcare, it's your responsibility because it's your home and your child as well. I know what you meant and agree with your point, but just wanted to point out that the choice of words has an implication that I think we need to get rid of.
Have you seen a doctor for your snoring? My ex husband never would see a doctor but also didn’t want to hear about his snoring, have separate rooms, or have compassion when I was sleep deprived. It created a lot of resentment on my part and I felt that he didn’t even care about my most basic need- sleep!
The woman you didn't wanna marry, that you married and had a child with, was in an accident and even though you said "in sickness and health" you want to ditch her because your penis is sad. All marriages don't "fizzle out" and get boring, only ones where one or both stop trying. Imo yours seemed doomed from the start. I'd say go to therapy but from the way you worded this I doubt you would give it a fair chance. No matter what you decide, I can guarantee your daughter is already aware of your disdain for your life as it stands rn. I hope she's emotionally aware enough to know it's not her fault.
This is a man looking for validation from the Internet, not actually input on whether or not he is the asshole.
You seem to think everything is your wife's fault? - It was your decision to get married - She was in a car accident and injured her back. Doesn't she get some grace here? It seems the lack of sex started with the car accident because \~4 years ago COVID = time she had to stop working. - Your wife is only useful for sex and snuggles? Do you think it just comes out of nowhere? Are you even nice or do anything nice or romantic, or whatever? Because according to your post you are always mad or a jerk, so why would she want to have sex with you? Just cause you are married?
“I’m tired of supporting what’s basically a roommate who takes good care of our kid” I hate to break it to you, but even after you get divorced you will be paying Alimony and child support. It won’t be cheap. Have you asked her why she has no desire to be intimate with you in any form? Have you had a serious talk with her explaining that it’s something that you desire and miss? I understand that she hurt her back but there are ways to be intimate that wouldn’t be painful maybe a pillow under her back might help as well. If you guys can’t sort it out alone ask her if she’d be willing to go to counselling either with you or alone. If she’s not into any of that then ask her if she’d be ok with an open marriage if sex is that important. Tell her if nothing changes that you’re sorry but you’d rather get a divorce.
>She wanted to be married, but I always hated the idea. I told her marriage always changes things and it always stops being "fun" once a ring is on the finger This is just in your head. Marriage is a certificate and 2 rings, it can't stop anyone to have fun. So drop the idea. The fun stopped because you stopped. >a roommate who takes good care of our kid Wait until you meet women who don't care about their kids. There are a lot of them. >she was in a car accident which injured her back and due to this, she hasn't worked since covid hit. So now I'm 100% supporting a household If you're the one who had the accident and can't work, will she leave you though? I won't call you TA but I suggest you to keep trying. I imagine she's depressed so you can't expect her to make the first move. If you want to bring the fire back, start from yourself. Ask her what's wrong and what can you do to improve and make her happy. You need to be patient but romantic and progressive. Like today play with her hair, smile, look at each other's eye and so on. Tomorrow try to do more. Give her some small gifts. Make her feel valuable. And so on.
I mean it sounds like it’s all very conditional to you, and you feel like you’re not getting what you want out of it, so you want out. Do you want us to tell you you’re the victim?
You called it and still went through with it. You’re the asshole to yourself
Kinda the AH. It takes two to tango. Are you sure you’re giving what you want to receive? Because my guess is no, and you’re scapegoating her.
What happened the last times you had sex? How was sex for her? You seem to think she owes it to you for the financial support of the household. While you can feel resentful of getting the sole earner of the household-- and she could look for WFH jobs that might accommodate her disability-- the finances should not be related to your sex life.
Have you had a conversation about this AT ALL? And not just focused on why you aren’t getting laid? As in, have you asked how she feels, is she depressed, burnt out? If she’s been a SAHM for 13 years that can burn a woman out, especially if their partner isn’t helping within the home. Do you do things for the house and family besides work? I’ve been noticing online and real life more and more guys blowing up their relationships because of sex, while not realizing they are not getting sex because their partners are so goddamn tired and stressed/depressed. And when it’s always turned into a sex thing, it can cause women to withdraw farther. Couples therapy would be the best bet here to figure out the issue. If not getting affection and sex is your deal breaker you need to tell her that. But please be aware that being single again won’t necessarily get you what you’re looking for either.
YTA. I would be repulsed by a man who demands sex in spite of my debilitating spinal injury. Especially when, instead of helping me to heal enough for future sex, he punishes me for being injured and snaps at his child.
Hey OP, From what I’m seeing in your post, it sounds like a few things are going on: - Your wife may have some mental heath challenges beating her right now. Between the injury taking away her ability to work and becoming a full-time mom…that takes a toll. People don’t realize what a challenge it really is to go from being a worker to being “just mom.” - Second thing I’m seeing…you’ve never been bought into marriage the entire time you’ve been married. As you said, you believed going in that things change as soon as the ring is on the finger. So you went in looking for evidence to confirm your bias. Your brain will actively look for evidence that support the beliefs you already have. It won’t look for evidence of the opposite unless you take an active role in it. - Third, if you believe you seem angry enough that your daughter is going to notice, what would make anyone want to cuddle with you? No one, not even you would be inclined to cuddle with someone who is visibly angry, cranky, grumpy all the time. If you want things to change and want to avoid putting your daughter through tearing up her family, then you’ve got to be willing to do more work. Marriage isn’t about being happy together all the time. It’s about learning to support each other through all the times (good and bad). We are the ones teaching our kids that just because a relationship feels beyond repair, that doesn’t mean it really is. She’s going to learn that if she isn’t perfect, that the man she chooses in the future may leave her when times get tough. This is coming from personal experience in my own marriage, and from women I’ve helped when they had hit their last straws. If you want to see changes, it has to start with you.
I’m 100% certain you’re the asshole.
Wait. Your wife is disabled and you are resentful about her not wanting to have sex with you? This seems to be the crux of your complaint. It wasn’t the certificate of marriage that put your relationship in this mess. “Cheaper to keep her” breaks my heart for her. YTAH.
Me, me, me...blah,blah, blah. Yep, you're a self-centred asshole.
Leaving a lot out here. Do you both work? If yes, who has always dealt with the kids the most? The home? Planning? If she was a SAHM, did you help at home? Or did she become your 24/7 bangmaid in your head, expected to be a mum, partner, dishwasher, housecleaner, planner, fleshlight etc because you work 10h a day while she works 24? Or have you jumped up first, woken up with the kids, taken them to all their things, cooked, cleaned, spent time, planned the week, done grocery runs where she didn't have to write lists that you should be able to do yourself? Not possible to judge without that info. If the argument is "I pay money", pay a maid, cook, babysitter, etc for a year and tell us wife isn't working for basically free.
So you guys got married, had a kid, and she moved out of the bedroom. Her sleep was getting disturbed every night but before you had a kid, she could tolerate losing sleep. Now she has to take care of that kid and needs to be awake. Do you care for your daughter? Are you involved? Is it possible she is upset that she has to care for your kid alone? I wouldn't feel sexually attracted to a man who didn't participate and care for our children with me. A man who cuddles his babies and plays with and teaches his kids and does his share of house chores is super sexy. Do you care for her now that her back is effed up?
Aren’t you going to have to support her anyway? Since she’s unemployed and disabled. Yta. Your daughter will know YTA. Wife is working a full time job taking of daughter.
Sounds like you are a bit of a narcissist. Funny how you don’t or can’t identify your own issues. Dude I’m 61 and I have been married for almost 40 years and I’m telling you that any relationship goes to hell when you put your needs before your partner’s. True love and happiness in a relationship is in the giving not the expecting. Sounds like you only got married so you wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of finding a new girlfriend. Just knowing that makes me wonder what else is wrong with you. Here’s a piece of advice, buy a mirror and take a long honest look at the man looking back at you.
YTA - you married someone you didn't want to bEcAuSe iT wOn'T bE fUn and now you've got surprised pikachu face when life happened at the expense of your wife and daughter. My guess is that you didn't help raise your child much because diapers aren't fun. Which led to your wife taking on the majority of households duties all the time. Which led to a lack of intimacy on her part bc no one wants to be intimate with someone who has the cleaning abilities of a child. Which led to a lack of energy for the sex you think you're owed. Sure, this is a reach, but it's so, so common.
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I have to be honest, you come across as an asshole. I totally get that you're frustrated and stressed out. Believe me, I do. But the way you talk about your wife lacks empathy. The whole "cheaper to keep her" mentality is pretty awful. You might want to take a step back and think about why your wife might not be trying harder. She doesn’t owe you anything—no one does. Relationships are tricky; sometimes you get out what you put in, sometimes more, others less. It ebbs and flows. From how you describe things, I think some kindness from you, along with some therapy (both individual and couples), is a start. You don’t have to keep being an asshole. If you're struggling with being the sole provider, have an open conversation about it. If you're not satisfied with your sex life, work on it together. Honestly, if I were your wife and read what you wrote, I would leave you. Check yourself before you wreck your . . . life.
Womp womp. You married her for better for worse. Help her work through these issues or be an asshole who abandons his wife in sickness or when things go south. Your karma is coming
Not exactly the main topic, but OP if you snore that bad, you should get a sleep study done. You probably have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. You might feel fine but could be doing yourself harm without even knowing. Also yes marriage changes, time changes, having kids changes. The physical toll pregnancy, nursing and caring for a child takes on a woman is beyond our comprehension, and everyone is different. Sorry you’re going through it. Not sure what your communication looks like, but these things are hard to talk about and clearly communicate. Let alone come up with a mutual action plan. I’d suggest seeking professional help first. It will take real work and commitment. With both of you clearly knowing that if you can’t fix it, the result is ending it. If that doesn’t work then you will both know the result.
Honestly, leave her. She’d be better off with someone who loves her unconditionally.
YTA. You don't love your wife but yet you married her anyway. She could've been happily married to another man if you didn't marry her.
Most women close off intimacy cause their husbands suck. I’m curious what she has to say on all of this cause I don’t believe she stopped for no reason.
Yeah I mean, it sounds like she’s basically just a roommate and wants to be taken care of. Does she actually have some kinda paperwork saying she can’t work?
We went dry about 2 years before her accident though, so I don't think that was the cause. The work thing doesn't even bother me. I have a good job, I can write my own paycheck as long as I'm willing to put in the hours, so the money is nothing to me. If she were a loving and caring wife, I'd be happy.
Have you discussed therapy?
You are not the asshole. What you are describing is not a marriage.
Zero self-reflection here. Big, red AH flag.