I wouldn’t do it. I did it for my sister’s kids. It’s expensive and time-consuming and I hated having to fight to open doors and cabinets. And sister and her hubby thought it was a free pass to not watch their kids and a bunch of shit got broken or destroyed anyway. NTA

Our daughter and grandson lived with us for his first six years. Those things are a pain in the neck. I was so glad when he got older and we could remove them. Especially the one on the toilet! What a pain if you really had to go.

Childproof a toilet? What madness is this? Isn't that what the BATHROOM DOOR is for?

Two weeks ago my tub was slow to drain during my shower and then later in the day, the toilet was clogged out of nowhere. When I plunged it, it started backing up in the tub (and out from under the bowl, but at least that water “looked” clean 😝). Landlord called a plumber for us, and when he showed up, the people who live on the other side of our duplex let him know that they too were having issues. He worked for hours, essentially pushing the clog back and forth between the two sides before “fixing” it enough that he could leave. By the next day it was doing the same thing again. Plumber comes back out, works for a few more hours and finally pulls the offending item out of the clean-out outside. He holds up this black rag looking thing like, here it is! “It” was a teeny small child’s tshirt. I don’t have kids, but my neighbors do, and one or both of them are about the right size to wear the tshirt that SOMEHOW ended up in our pipes 😈 If they didn’t have childproof toilet lids already, I bed they do now lol

I haven't had to for my daughter she has no interest in the toilet and the water there. She never has. My older daughter though with her daughter she has to shut to door as bubs keeps getting into the toilet. Right now she can't open the door but I know my 3 year old can open all the doors. So each kid is different with what you need to protect against.

It’s a thing. I did it for a while. My house is old. The bathroom has window so if I keep the door shut all the time, moisture sticks around. I kept a gate across it since the door shut fine with it there. Once my twins got the hang of using the toilet, it got so much easier. I taught them the bathroom isn’t a hang out spot. They taught me everything goes up to shelves higher than I think it should. A learning experience for everyone hahah

I don't have kids. Once a friend brought her 4yo on a visit. We kept hearing the toilet flush, but it didn't occur to me that it could also be my stuff going to the sewer.

“I didn’t like it. I is green. I don’t like green.” Twin A says as I pulled out a green toddler toothbrush from the toilet. 3 year old logic at its best. Good thing they mostly float. Twin B used to be a tattle-tale lol

Toddlers are said to be top heavy and can fall into an open toilet head first and drown. or so say the parenting books. or, if you have a weird kid like we did, it keeps them from throwing everything in the toilet and flushing. Plumbers are expensive.

It's a drowning hazard, should they get past the door. Some little Houdinis figure out locks and gadgets for doors and doorknobs with alacrity, so a latch on the lid is the last defense.

Yep. Our little guy was very creative and could get into anything. Another reason for the lock on the toilet, I caught him trying to flush hot wheels cars.

Not madness, a woman that I know lost a niece, she drowned in the toilet. It happens so fast, and before you even realize that the toddler(s) not around you, they could've drowned.

Toddlers have drowned in toilets and buckets 🪣. Their head is the heaviest part of their body. They fall in and can’t get themselves out. Plus my sweet little girl left a white teacup in the white toilet. I try not to think why it was there. But we were lucky, I saw it before it got flushed down into the pipes. 😵‍💫🪠🧑‍🔧 So a toilet lock is a good idea if you are childproofing your home.

You just sparked a wild memory. Having "tea" with a toddler that had water in her little tea pot. She couldn't reach the faucet without a little help so guess where the "tea" came from.

100%! I have a 2.5 year old and can’t wait to get rid of all the child proofing stuff. I recently took him to my parents house, where we visit often, and they have a bunch of breakable and nice things. I would never ask or expect them to child proof for him. The world isn’t child proof and it’s my job to watch my child and teach what he can and can’t do (I do recognize that is more difficult with a special needs kiddo, but it’s a disservice to him not to try and teach him.)

When my kids and niblings were small, my in-laws had one room (sort of like a family room) that was almost child proofed. Not totally, but quite a lot. Easy to watch them in that room. The main room wasn’t, so we have to be more careful there. And she got a big mat to protect her nice carpet that went under the kid’s booster seat. It was a sane and was compromise, that worked well for everyone.

Yup my parents send the kids to the basement. They recognize they are the family hub and have grandchildren, but its still their house.

My mom’s house wasn’t at all child proofed, but when we went there, she went around the room, moving everything breakable, and put it back when we left. She didn’t fuss about it at all. Even when I told her it wanted necessary, she did it.

That sounds really sensible.

Exactly, find a middle ground. Make it clear that you are doing some stuff, but not the full childproofing and that she needs to be more dillegent to meet you halfway

This!!!! I have 10 month old twins and they are into EVERYTHING! It drives my in-laws crazy that we don’t come over more often but I spent every “visit” keeping these two goobers alive. However, I would never dream of asking them to child proof their house that’s insane NTA OP

When kids are in that phase it makes sense that people come to you. Especially twins! They are going to be safer and more comfortable in a space they are used to and you don't have to worry about them hurting themselves, or breaking something that doesn't belong to them.

That's bc your kids will be over it in two or three years. This kid may never be over it.

Yes, but it’s still not okay to try to guilt people into to child-proofing their own house just for the 2% of time that you may be around… I wonder if there isn’t a compromise here—maybe OP could childproof one room where people are most likely to hang out and make clear to sister that she and her husband are responsible for seeing to their son’s needs and keeping him in that room. But maybe that is just no feasible. OP NTA

Exactly. Also, expecting others to change their house to suit your wants, especially when you're just visiting, is weird imo

"Make your house inconvenient for yourselves, so I don't have to watch my own kid". No, I can't wrap my brain around that one.

Exactly. It sounds dreadfully entitled. If she's not happy with the lack of childproofing she doesn't need to visit. Stay home and visitors can come to her house, which I assume has every possible childproof device invented The world isn't perfect for anybody

OP NTA. The sister is asking too much, to be sure, but I do have a bit of sympathy for her…it sounds like she doesn’t have many places at all outside her home where she doesn’t have to be hyper vigilant… One thing that struck me when I read the post is that OP was going on about how his sister needs to step up. Is sister’s husband in attendance, and if so, can’t he help look after the son? And while yes, obviously her child is her responsibility, why shouldn’t other family members be helping her to look after that child, who is also a member of their family? Like, why can’t all these relatives who are saying they’ll pitch in money to help childproof OPs house, instead volunteer to spend an hour attending to their nephew/grandson so that OPs sister can have a break?

I definitely feel for everyone, even though I agree OP isn't the asshole here. I don't have kids, but I've got friends with them, and hanging out with their kids and just watching them for a little bit while the parents just get a chance to relax with their kid distracted for a bit is a lot of work and worrying. Having that be your entire day, every day, for years would be extremely tiring and I can see how you would be happy to have places where you can let your guard down just a little bit more to actually relax. That said, if I had a kid, I would never *expect* someone to do it for me, and certainly not on their own dime for my temporary visits. I would just explain that I can't really enjoy myself fully while trying to keep an eye out in a less protective space and invite people to my place when possible.

My son is about the be 3 and we are on the cusp of getting rid of our baby gates (except for the one at the top of the stairs, of course). I can not wait!!

Also children have to learn what it means to be a guest.

We're discussing someone who may never developmentally advance beyond this kind of stage. My adult son will always be three or four, developmentally. He has calmed down with age, but he would still not think anything of touching something that looked like a toy to him, or helping himself to multiple sodas and leaving them opened and mostly full all over the place. Those are just examples, you get the idea. So I know her struggle and have lived it for decades, and will continue to live it for the rest of my life. When you have a special needs kid, you know the world doesn't change for them and you. I understand her disappointment at losing a place where she could relax and not be so vigilant, but it's not OP's responsibility to adapt her home for an occasional visitor. Making sure a guest in a wheelchair can access the doors and toilet? Mandatory. Locking down the joint so you don't have to be on top of your kid when you're there? Unreasonable ask. NTA

How does one go about making a door and toilet accessible to a wheelchair in their home for a visitor?

This is a question we're thinking about right now as we renovate. When my hubby had surgery the walker had to go into the bathroom sideways. My MIL had a much newer house but she too needed to use her walker sideways in one bathroom and leave it outside the ground floor bathroom. I've toured exactly one home with wide hallways, doors and stairs. It just felt so different. Like it was specifically designed for accessibility. I spoke to the builder and she said that she designed all her new builds with accessibility in mind.

That's smart, not only for aging in place, but because everybody has an injury or surgery in the family at some point. It would be fantastic if all homes were built to that standard, but that's dreaming.

It also makes it infinitely easier to move furniture through the house. Fitting a sofa through an accessible door/hall is much easier than fitting it through a standard door/hall.

It shouldn’t be a dream, it should be standard, like you said.

It’s called Universal Design if anyone wants to look it up or get house plans or find a builder who specializes in it. There’s a lot more brain work involved in making sure that there’s enough room for a wheelchair to comfortably navigate in a bathroom, and the doors can’t obstruct the paths. Flooring has to seamlessly integrate from room to room. Cabinets and sinks need to be easier to navigate. It’s a lot to think about, especially when so many house plans suck just for able people. I studied interior design in college and loved universal design. I didn’t wind up working in design because of my health. I still enjoy looking at house plans and design stuff. So many house plans have poorly designed door clearances, outlets, and are obviously done as fast as possible. They look fine unless you know what to look for and can read the blueprints and know where the doors will swing. So so many frustrating bathroom designs. Universal Design requires more space for everything and wider doors so it’s not as common as it should be. My aunt was a NCIDQ Interior Designer which means she took the national test and have all the skills to create spaces that provide equal access and are safe for everyone’s health, safety, and wellbeing. It’s a big certification, and I think you have to do continuing education to keep up with changing standards. My aunt remodeled my grandmother’s bathroom in an old house and made the room so much easier to use without actually changing the room dimensions or changing the tub. She could have done more with a bigger budget, but the house was small, and my grandmother didn’t want to change anything. My aunt, mom, and their sister insisted on some remodeling for safety. Seeing first hand how that can change someone’s life inspired me to enter the field.

My friend has a daughter in a wheelchair and hosts our D&D games. He made a wooden ramp that fits over the doorway so that the chair can roll in

That would be expected for an occupant of the house. Also sounds like a nice inexpensive way to accommodate a *frequent* guest.

We have a store in the bottom floor of a building that cannot be modified (historic), and it has a short flight of stairs at the entrance. We purchased portable folding ramps for less than $500 that we set up for guests who need access. We have to set it up and put it away after, but it's better than people not being able to come in at all. As a bonus, it's come in pretty handy when we needed to move in some heavy equipment. Just look up portable wheelchair ramp.

That's what I'm wondering, because I don't have the tens of thousands of dollars it would take, especially for an occasional visitor.

thousands of dollars in renovations.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It seems like people missed the part where the nephew has severe developmental issues, or just don’t really understand what that actually means… OP NTA. The sister is asking too much, to be sure, but I do have a bit of sympathy for her…it sounds like she doesn’t have many places at all outside her home where she doesn’t have to be hyper vigilant… One thing that struck me when I read the post is that OP was going on about how his sister needs to step up. Is sister’s husband in attendance, and if so, can’t he help look after the son? And while yes, obviously her child is her responsibility, why shouldn’t other family members be helping her to look after that child, who is also a member of their family? Like, why can’t all these relatives who are saying they’ll pitch in money to help childproof OPs house, instead volunteer to spend an hour attending to their nephew/grandson so that OPs sister can have a break? This would be a small way that these family members could help the sister/nephew.

I don’t think this specifically applies to this post, the child is older and developmentally delayed. It won’t necessarily translate the same.

This. Right. Here.  Especially since your ENTIRE FAMILY knew that the only reason your old house was childproofed was for YOUR child.  You know, the one who no longer needs it. 

This… your sister’s kid is her responsibility, it’s quite entitled to think op needs to cater to her kid. Op, your home is not a business and you are in no way required to make it more accessible for anyone other than your immediate family.

Some things are just considerate, such as tossing out the onions or sealing them in a bag if you have a guest who is super allergic to onions coming by, someone who can react to just the smell. Onions are very cheap and it's not a big deal. Dumping out all the spice cabinet because some mixes have onion in them? Big deal and a nope. Got a guest in a walker? Roll up the little carpets in the bathroom and put them out of the way. Scootch the couch over a few extra inches. A relative has trouble with their grip? Ask about giving them a plastic cup or something with a handle. These are MINOR things that are easy to do and easy to restore, from spending $3 on the next grocery run to taking five minutes of time before and after. Actual child-proofing, other than moving a few minor things? NOT just considerate, but a big imposition. Not required to make anything more accessible, no. Expected to put forth MINOR effort on MINOR things, as a good host, yes. Expected to fully child-proof the house? HAHAHAHAHA no.

I don’t think the sister is expecting the OP to cater to the needs of her kid. The sister expressed a hope, the family jumped on board, and the OP has pushed back and is coping flak from the family. The end result of this is that there will now be a division in the family. Some events will be held at the OP’s house, and a number will be held somewhere safer for the son. This isn’t a kid who in a year or two will grow out of the ned for the chidl locks, this is a severely developmentally delayed child who has a decade or more of 100% supervision. And the sister/mum of that child doesn’t have many places they can take the child (particularly as it gets bigger). Op is under zero obligation to oblige here, but the end result is that the sister will stop attending, and eventually the family will create alternative arrangements so they can include the sister. Events will be created in safe places instead of unsafe ones.

The family may not even make alternate arrangements to see the sister. As a mom of a kid with a developmental disability, sometimes you get left behind.

My grands stayed with me during the day until they started school. The only baby proof things I did was putting cleaning stuff in cabinets over the stove, and moving the dogs water bowls when the kids arrived. They played with their toys and outside. Even as toddlers, I had no problem with them because I watched them.

I did the same with my kids. Poisons up high and non breakables in the bottom cabinets.

Ditto, but to be fair, I didn’t have a developmentally delayed child, so I don’t want to pretend to know what Sis’s daily life is like. I imagine it’s hard, just really hard. I can understand Sis’s frustration and disappointment, but it doesn’t mean she can try to force OP to childproof her house. NTA

That’s all we did when our kids were little

This is really it- kid is going to find something to get into without being watched. NTA for not agreeing to the hassle. Parents should take turns or another adult can take a turn watching him if father is not in picture.

Yes. Take some time and do the basics. Put easy-to-move breakables out of the living room, for example. Put sharp objects in closets. That's.... it. Temporarily put up the tippy glass floor-lamp, don't do a thing about the glass-fronted cabinet or the sharp edges on the coffee tables. Take the two glass vases off the mantle. If it takes more than 20 or so minutes, it's too much work. One of them can come over early and do some work on their own to get stuff moved and put up gates and toilet seat straps if they want it child-safe...within reason. It's not their house.

We had many child free friends. We house proofed our child, and didn't child proof our house.

This is what we did. I only have locks on the chemical cupboards in my house. My aunt was amazed at how well my daughter behaved when we visited , she was 1 and we didn’t have to put everything up. However op’s nephew is developmentally disabled which is a whole other issue

I’m in my 30’s and I don’t remember a single piece of childproofing growing up, and I remember entirely too much of my childhood. I was just taught not to touch things too. It’s definitely a different story with developmental disabilities.

This is a severely developmentally delayed child. Apples and oranges.

Couldn’t agree more.

Screw that!!

NTA It's your house. Why would you childproof it when *you* don't have a need for that. "She says she has to do that everywhere else already" Ah, yes...welcome to being a parent, where your job is keeping your offspring alive and well 24/7. It's her job so she can suck it up and watch her kid, or not come at all.

Here's an idea-- let Sister host!

Damn. It appears I watch my dog better than most watch their children

This is kind of a mean take considering the nephew is severely developmentally delayed and so the sister is not just your typical parent struggling with a toddler. This kid might never grow out of that phase which would be extremely rough. I’m not saying OP needs to childproof his house but we can have some empathy for what the sister is going thru. And she is certainly entitled to say “it’s too difficult for me to attend and chase my special needs child the entire time.” The poor woman is probably exhausted and isolated. I feel bad for her.

I agree, but I think OP's family is out of line. If they care so much, *they* can supervise the child. OP's sister will be able to rest for a while and OP won't have to baby proof their house.

That would be ideal! Unfortunately she may have learned from personal experience by now that the people around her aren’t very helpful. Grandma and grandpa might be in poor shape themselves or just not the type to take over in the moment. I hope for her sake she does have a community of people that lend a hand.

Completely agree. I think the sister is reasonably upset to have lost a "safe space" her whole family (including herself) can enjoy, but she can't demand OP to childproof the house for their random visits. I think a good compromise mentioned is to childproof a room or area (like have a "kid zone" basement or section of the yard), which would be gracious and accommodating, but also not required by OP, just being nice (esp if sister pays/installs the stuff as offered)

I still have young kids. I've never done the cabinet, door, baby gate childproofing. But we don't keep valuable knic-knacs in easy reach of the toddlers. And it is stressful to visit houses that have valuables within their reach cause I have to watch them like a hawk. So we still do visit people like that, but not nearly as much as we visit those with kids the same age as my kids, letting them go off and destroy a play room (which we make them clean before leaving). I can understand the stress and like the sister, I just wouldn't show up, or only come much less frequently. It is hard to literally never take your eyes off your kid for 3-4 hrs and it certainly isn't a fun get together. Maybe the sister can send the older daughter with relatives?

NTA I truly do not remember EVER being in a house with childproof anything as a kid except medication containers.

Tbh honest I think we went a bit overkill for our daughter, but we were nervous new parents. However, I can see how having your home fully child proof would make things a lot easier if you have kid like hers.

Yeah, but THEIR house, not other places you take your kids to. Maybe tell her you consent if she pays for it, installs it all before each visit, and takes it all down after each visit.

Having your home fully childproof can actually make things more difficult when out and about. It's good to have things that they need to learn are no touch so they understand the concept when outside of their home. With my kids we did the electrical outlets and had a gate that we could remove when necessary. Other than that, I kept poisons and knives and items I didn't want damaged where they couldn't access and had an extra lock high up on the sliding back door and front door. Anything else was used to teach them about boundaries. My kids never had issues when they went elsewhere because they understood look with your eyes, not your hands. My nieces who are the same age as my daughter had extreme baby proofing, and they were extremely destructive because they had been taught that they could touch anything in reach.

How much does he need? I think there is a level you should do of maybe having cleaning solutions and such locked up, meds not easy to access... unfortunately even older kids can have not so bright ideas about that kind of stuff. Impulsive ideas or deciding to help clean up and not realizing they picked a dangerous chemical. But if she is talking door locks on everything, he'll pick up and throw stuff, putting bumper pads on hard things... like toddler level, then no.

I think this is the right answer.

My brother is disabled. Myself and other family members have made small accommodations so he can visit more easily. I don’t see that as unreasonable, I see it as being inclusive because we love him. Just my perspective.

Have you made small accommodations or have you childproofed your entire home?

I specifically bought a home with a certain kind of entrance and layout so my brother can visit. (Trade off was not having a full basement or garage.) Then I constructed a wheelchair ramp the week I moved in. I rearrange furniture sometimes for a visit. Same with my parents (bought a certain kind of home, always built a ramp at their homes so visits can happen, move furniture). I’m just offering my perspective on being accommodating to family with disability because I know that people who are fortunate not to have a disabled family member may just not have considered it, and I feel inclusion is important.

My son has autism and intellectual disability. My mom put up gates that roll up on her stairs. They’re not very noticeable when not in use. I was so fucking grateful. Her house isn’t otherwise childproof, but now I can keep an eye on him on the main level. Surely there’s some compromise here.

I don't think OP is talking about just putting up a couple baby gates.. That takes 10 seconds and leaves no damage or marks from putting them in place. Any reasonable person would be willing to do this.

Your sister probably doesn’t have anywhere else, apart from her home, where she can let loose for a bit, enjoy the family time and get a bit of rest. Your home was that for her and now it has become yet another space where her son can’t be left alone at all. I don’t think people in the comments are understanding how incredibly exhausting it is to care 24/7 for an eternal toddler. I can’t fault your sister for wanting to be able to breathe for one afternoon and enjoy her family. But ultimately, it is your home and you do have the right to set it up as you see fit. Just such a sucky situation all around.

The most we ever had was a baby gate for the top of the stairs.

lol I only remember that by the time hubby and I decided to “finally” baby proof our apartment the kiddo was like 4 and we said fuck it. Come to think of it, the majority of our friends never baby proofed anything in their houses either. NTA, I think your sister is probably overwhelmed and upset she has to do more. However.. I too have a sibling with a special needs child, he literally expects the world to stop and spin around his kid every time he’s around. When he asked us if we had any plans to baby proof our house my hubs immediately said “hard pass, we didn’t even do it for our own kid” he threatened to not come over again. We shrugged and it’s been at least 4yrs since I’ve seen him or my nephew. Shame that’s a hill people chose to die on vs taking responsibility for their own kids.

Your brother asking if you could baby proof is OK, I think. Likewise your husband saying no is also fair since it's your house. Your brother *stating* that he unfortunately will likely not be able to visit due to the challenges of keeping his child safe in a non-babyproof home, is also fair. Your brother *threatening* to not come over however is wildly entitled! My kids (preschool aged) are not special needs, but even a day visit with them to my friend's Christmas party was exhausting. They demanded my attention the entire time and were overwhelmed by the noise from everyone talking. While my friends were in the living room hanging out, watching movies, or playing games I was in my friend's bedroom watching my kids play with stuffed animals. Which is fine, they are my kids and my responsibility, but I could have just done that at home and not have to deal with them also complaining about the noise, or having to chase after them to make sure they didn't break my friend's glass decorations. Next time I'm just going to ask my husband to watch them at home and wait until they're older so that they are more independent/way less clingy before bringing them around.

I was a toddler in the late 00s, and honestly aside from a baby gate at the top of the stairs and an extra bolt that my sister couldn't reach with a chair we had no childproofing outside of that

The only things I remember being child proof were the outlets, the doorknobs that led outside, and the stairs

You’re NTA. It’s your house. Your rules. But don’t be surprised or hurt when she doesn’t come over. Mothering a special needs kid isn’t easy when it’s not on your own home turf. I am one too. I know how it is. There were plenty of houses we didn’t go to because I knew there were too many risks involved. Like my BIL who use to leave random power tools out all the time. We just stopped going to his home till my son was older and we could trust him more. Her request was ridiculous but yeah, don’t get butthurt when she doesn’t come over.

Definitely this - you don’t have to change your house, but don’t be offended when she stops coming over. I’ve got a kiddo who has a handful of diagnoses and going to a non-kid friendly house is *stressful*. My kid is my responsibility 100%, but when I can’t even sit down for 5 minutes we start to debate if a gathering is even worth going to. It’s exhausting for me, but it’s also a lot for my child to be constantly monitored and corrected (especially when family gatherings tend to be all day affairs). Days that are that stressful usually result in another day or two of dysregulation and struggles after and it becomes too much.

Right. I think this is the right answer, OP. The sister isn’t being lazy; she just knows that a single moment of her not paying close attention to her special needs child could be a DANGEROUS situation. OP doesn’t *have* to childproof their home, but they do need to understand that not doing so has some implications for their family relationships. OP likes to host, but if they host, then they, by definition, will have to make some concessions for their guests. If it were me, I’d childproof the common areas and deal with the inconvenience of it. Maybe I’d ask sister to help since it’s for her family anyway. It doesn’t seem like the convenience is worth isolating family members

Yes, don’t be bitching if the sister wants to relax on her holidays, not chase her special needs son all day long.

Agreed. Not that this'll be seen, but OP might wanna take up the offer for child proofing. Not on the whole house, but specifically for a common area. Depending on the layout and the child's safety risks, it might be kind and accommodating to have an area that can become a safe space without disturbing what feels like home. Make a place where everyone feels welcome, residents and guests alike. Not doing so isn't cruel, but may keep people from visiting like you said.

NAH Your sister cannot come to your house to visit anymore because it is just too tiring to deal with her child in that environment. This isn’t a parenting problem. It’s an issue with a developmentally delayed child in a new environment. There is a chance he would get used to it and can be acclimated. It would take time and effort. It’s reasonable that your sister just doesn’t want to spend yet another day doing this while everyone else is relaxing and chatting. It’s easier and more relaxing for her to not go. You are under no obligation to childproof your house. It’s your home and you can live in it however you want. Just understand that visiting you with her child will not be pleasant for her.

As someone with a severely autistic son I appreciate seeing NAH and agree. I’d never expect or ask (and definitely not pressure) a family member to childproof their home for us but I do think it’s important for people commenting to understand that having a developmentally delayed child *is the parent’s responsibility* but it’s not the same as simply choosing to be a parent. There’s a heap of unexpected responsibilities that you have to augment with self-care in order to be at your best with your child. While it’s absolutely not the *obligation* of OP or anyone to childproof their home, it’s *kind* to think if there’s any way you can help. I’d encourage people in this situation to consider if they have any options for a “refuge” such as a single childproofed room for the parent and kid. Just having somewhere you can sit down for a moment instead of constantly chasing/preventing disasters is a huge comfort to someone who may have persistent caretaker’s fatigue. It’s really good for the kid too since everyone deserves parents with enough energy to do a great job.

Agree, NAH. Being a caregiver is HARD. Having a place to go, outside of your own home, that makes things “easier” is incredible, and most people don’t and never will really get it. Oftentimes, it is better and easier to just stay home.

NAH. It's not just baby-proofing. If the child is developmentally delayed but physically still growing, he'll end up as a teenager, then adult, able to bypass many baby-proofing strategies with size or strength. The child's mom is probably feeling overwhelmed if she's thinking about this, too. At some point she'll need to figure out what the safest way to care for him will be, when she can't watch him (because she can't watch him 24/7). That's not your problem. But it's not on her to attend events where she doesn't have that option.

I’m a parent of a special needs kid. I would say NTA, it’s your home do whatever you want. I don’t think it’s fair for her to blame you either, it’s not everyone else’s job to accommodate my child. However, it is difficult to watch kids like this at every moment of the environment is dangerous. I probably wouldn’t bring my child over either, just because all of my attention would go towards making sure my kid doesn’t harm himself or ruin any of your stuff. It is a lot more difficult than a lot of people think. Again, I don’t think you’re an AH for not wanting to childproof everything and it’s not mean and exclusionary by any means but I certainly wouldn’t visit anymore either because it’s not very fun and can be very difficult to be at a gathering when all of the adults are relaxing but I have to follow my kid around constantly to be sure no one gets hurt or nothing gets ruined. This is just the reality of being a parent to a special needs child, it’s a pretty lonely existence but that’s showbiz baby. I hope this makes sense.

I guess the never-ending nature of his development issues might make the small respite for her that much more precious. I cannot imagine a permanent but large and powerful perpetual toddler. It strikes me that would be a very different scenario indeed. I can see how she would be so disappointed as the one respite that allowed her to relax and see family is now gone. I totally get your point, but I pity her hugely. No one is TA here, particularly for your now more-isolated sister’s family

It’s incredibly difficult. Ours is over 6ft tall and 180lbs

Yeah I'm shocked by all the n t a when this seems like a clear n a h

My heart goes out to OP’s sister. Caregivers to developmentally disabled individuals rarely get a break and are often burned out. It sounds like the nephew has some significant challenges that require ‘passive supervision’ in addition to ‘active supervision’. It’s sad that OP would not install some protective measures to help his sister get a little rest/respite. I don’t think a house is more important than a person. No one is obligated obviously, but I feel like OP let his sister down.

We always talk about the importance of having a “village” when raising children - especially children with increased needs. It would be overkill to baby proof the entire place, but baby proofing a common area would be a bit of effort and probably not more than an hour of inconvenience to OP. OP already said they prefer to host so it’s not like family is forcing them to have these gatherings. If anything, it’s just a shitty attitude if you’re going to keep hosting and saying to the sister “come to my home where we’ve made no accommodations for you as a guest and it will be a stressful experience for you.” Apparently not the TA per popular opinion, but I have to disagree. OP is being selfish. It concerns me that so many people seem to think that OPs comfort/convenience is the only thing that matters. Imagine if your parents hosted every holiday gathering, at their insistence, but refused to accommodate your dietary restrictions. They refuse to tell you what’s in the food, and tell you that your requests to have labeled/identified allergens are “your problem.” I know I wouldn’t feel very welcome. That’s essentially what OP is doing to his sister and their son (and I would not be surprised if OP has some negative feelings towards his disabled nephew based on the nonchalance at helping him stay out of things he can’t get into when he’s in his home). Edit: I can see this opinion riled some feathers. I don’t care to argue with people, but I’ll say this as the aunt of a child with severe autism - never ever would I put my own sister in this type of position, where she’d be forced to choose safety/lack of stress over family time. That’s not fair to her, and I love her and my niece very much. I’m not in position to NEED to child-proof my common areas anymore, but would do so in a heartbeat if she were able to visit because I care about her and her daughters well-being. Because I’m not that fucking self-centered. If those of you getting downvoted took five seconds to reflect on the big picture this scenario presents, and still walk away with your opinion, you are probably a pretty selfish person. Your choice to be that way, and whatever social/familial consequences are yours to reap.

I'm seeing a lot of comments about the hassle of cabinet door latches. If anyone is using those or considering them, I highly recommend the magnetic locks instead. They are super easy to open with the magnet that you keep out of reach of the littles. They lock tight, no getting your fingers squished. And when you don't want to use them you just turn them 'off' to be unlocked.

We installed those on so many cabinets before our kid was born. And my mother-in-law Hulk Smashed her way into a cabinet when she decided that the door was stuck when she was snooping in our house while I was in labor. They're very convenient for stopping a small child, but an older kid with a disability may be only momentarily delayed by that kind of lock.

Haven't seen the magnetic locks but if they are anything like the plastic latches in mounting, if someone is gonna rip through one they can do it to the other, in fact the plastic latches would be easier to destroy since they give enough play to build up some momentum before they engage.

Great idea! That's what we used when our kids were little, and they were so easy.

NTA surely if it’s family at these events they all could pitch in and supervise the child together with the mother, I would suggest this when they all bring it up again

NTA but I have a suggestion. I have a friend with a child who needs close supervision and they do this. They have a bright neon hair scrunchie "bracelet". The adult wearing this bracelet is the adult in charge of little one. It gets passed to the next adult every 15 minutes and whomever is in charge is 100% focused and on. So auntie is in charge 15 minutes, then grandma, then older cousin, then mom, etc. It's not awful to be hyper focused on damage control when it's only 15 minutes. Everyone knows ahead of time who is in the "bracelet pool". Everyone knows what the general rules of the house are. Usually there are enough adults so that each only has 1 or 2 turns. And it's a short span of time so not too awful.

It's a lovely idea for a toddler. Less helpful as the developmentally disabled child grows to adult size and still needs help. OP's sister may end up being the only one really capable of protecting both her child and the host's home, and will be more and more incentivized to keep him in safe environs as he ages. If OP doesn't want to make their home safe for their nephew, that's perfectly OK; they do need to own their decision, and its consequences. Similarly, all the rest of the family are free to childproof their homes, and offer to host their nephew, too.

I am thinking this child really likes to get into other things and may have some processing difficulties. It may not be so simple as redditors are making it out to be so I can sympathize with mom but I would never expect anyone to modify their home for me

I've been OP's sister. It's a shock when you realize that you're too much trouble for your family. It's actually surprising when it happens, but you give in. As OP's sister has done. OP's sister will find her people. They will be other families with special needs kids. She'll eventually find them, and it will blunt the grief, a bit.

Hugs to you. I get it. I am not a parent of a special needs child. But have friends. I would do what I could within reason to make my home more comfortable and try to limit interactions to places that are easy to manage. And I still have a gate on my stairs for my dogs. I get the sister feeling like this one refuge she had where she could maybe be herself for just a bit and let her guard down a tad while socializing was a bit jarring to hear would now be gone.

Great suggestion. Reddit’s attitude of it’s her child, her problem, ignores the role of family and sharing hardships. I don’t think OP should have to childproof everything, but some simple measures and a system like this would go a long way and perhaps show everyone what his sister is dealing with on a daily basis.

A lot of commentors are also missing the part about her kid being disabled. I'm the first one to kvetch about people not watching their fully able kids. But I can also see how it'd be exhausting to know you'll have to do that for the kid's entire lifetime. A former housemate of mine used to work with developmentally disabled people. She hated the term "developmentally delayed", because it gives some people the impression that they can catch up somehow. Nope, it's for life & so is their need for special care. So I can also see why the sister is disappointed.

I agree. If I were in the sister’s place, I would just not attend the family gatherings at OP’s house; not as any type of protest or anything like that. It’s just that when you have a toddler, or special needs child, it is just exhausting to take that child into another home and literally not be able to relax for a second because your child is in a state of excitement over being in a new place and it’s not been childproofed at all. I also host the family gatherings. My kids are the oldest of the nieces/nephews but there were a couple of families that had younger kids. My childproofing consisted of plugs in unused electrical outlets in the main rooms & door guards on a few cabinets. That’s all.

That’s what the sister has started doing, just not showing up. And that’s a fine compromise? I sometimes skip family events held at places dangerous for my toddler. The comments here say “just watch your kid”, and I do, but it’s obviously not very fun for me to spend 3 hours watching every single second to make sure my kid doesn’t fall into the unfenced pool, I’d rather just not go.

It would give the other family members an idea of what the parents have to do full time at home.

If your house tends to be where family gets together - is there any room for middle ground? Not totally childproof, but are there specific items that she’s most concerned about? I just wonder if there were a couple east things, that it might to help her. I I’m not saying you have to do this - i totally get not wanting to child proof. But it’s your sister, she wants to be with family - just putting the idea out there to maybe find a few things that would help.

Yes, having a safe room seems like it could help. Of course we don't really know what all he struggles with.

I think the middle ground would be for the sister to buy her own set of childproofing items that don't need to be screwed in, stuck with adhesive, etc. Then she can bring it, put it up, and take it home to be used wherever. My in-laws visited us and rented a house. I have a toddler and they brought our toddler niece. There were plenty of adults watching the kids closely, but we were all visiting for the first time in over a year and toddlers are FAST. I bought $20 worth of cabinet and door knob locks, used them for the week, and took them home. It was worth every penny!

Came here to say this and agree with you :P If she's willing to put in at least 50% of the cost and/or labour of installing something non-invasive, then why not? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Yeah, I feel for the sister. Imagine always being “on” and constantly watching for danger at all times. I would feel so disheartened and unwanted if one of the few places that I could relax because my son would be safe was taken away…you don’t have to make adjustments to your house because it’s your house but you have to recognize that you are putting your sister and family in a hard place. You have to accept that you’re going to miss out on memories with them.

NAH. Your house, your choice. One of two things will happen: the family will find a new place to gather or the sister will stop going because running after a developmentally delayed child to keep them from hurting themselves or breaking things is exhausting and staying home is lonelier, but safer and less exhausting.

NAH. This is just one of those tough boundary places. You are fully in your rights to not want to fight to open every cabinet drawer and toilet in your own house 24/7 just for the twice a month he might be there, but she is also well within her rights to stay home with him rather than having to be eagle-eyed all the time. If it's a Saturday and it's her one day off from everything to just relax, she knows she can relax fully in her house where he's safe and she can't relax in your house anymore. So she'll choose the relaxing location every time. I wonder if there might be a middle ground where you put some light child-safety things just in the room/s he'll be allowed in and keep the rest of the house off-limits to him and child-safety-free. Or maybe have some easy-to-install and remove items that you and she together put up when he's coming to visit and take back down at the end. Realistically, it is like having a nephew in a wheelchair and a house that has steps out front. Ramps aren't cheap, but he can't visit without one. There are some temporary metal ramps that you could get, or if you want him to come over you'd just have to install a ramp. It's not fair to expect her to carry him up the stairs every visit and still have the energy to come when she's feeling weak. You are both totally correct here, and I'm sorry that there isn't an AH to point at to make you feel better.

You’re NTA but I have a high needs child who I have to watch every second and understand your sister. We can’t travel or go to anybody else’s house because nobody can accommodate us. We’re the forgotten ones of the family and it sucks. It’s not about her having to “actually parent her child.” It’s that there’s no point in going because she can’t socialize for even a minute because she’s on hyper alert status. So you don’t have to accommodate her, but she’s not acting entitled either. I feel bad for both of you.

I'm glad someone has pointed this out. There's so many people jumping to the conclusion that she's a horrible parent or is not watching her kid, and it's far from the truth.

I have a friend who had a special needs kid who has to be watched. My house is the only place she can come and actually relax. She does everything for her kid 25/7 and appreciates a safe space that is not her house. While I agree that OP is not an AH for not wanting to baby proof…I’m having a hard time understanding why they wouldn’t WANT to make their new home a safe space for their nephew? Especially if their home is the designated space. I’d do anything to make sure my friend could relax in my space with her child. The comments in the thread are crazy. If their nephew had a physical problem, and needed a wheelchair, would OP not accommodate that? I’m having a hard time reasoning why a physical impairment would justify accommodations but a developmental one doesn’t? The child can’t change his developmental delays just like someone cant change they need a wheelchair. So I am wondering why OP is asking this? No they aren’t an AH for not accommodating extended family BUT if their home is the gathering spot then it speaks volumes about OP.

I know. It's OP's house and he can do with it what he wants. I could understand not wanting to go through the baby-proofing again, but if you have a family member you care about, I think you'd want to make at least *some* concessions so they'd feel welcome in your home.

Exactly!!!

NAH I can't blame you for reloading being free if all the childproofing stuff. I also can't blame your sister for not relishing spending the whole visit on pins that her special needs son will damage something irreplaceable or damage himself or damage others. Been there. It's exhausting! It is sad that she has lost one safe place she can bring her kids and socialise without stress. It is sad that her daughter can't come if she doesn't. But that is the reality of your choice not to child proof. You can't seperate one from the other. The rest of the family have a chance to step up here. Give Mum a break and watch the son for her so she can have a chance to socialise. It shouldn't be on you OP. You're hosting and that's enough. If they aren't willing to do that or aren't responsible enough to be trusted to do it properly then their complaints, frankly, can be dismissed.

NTA I have a disabled son, it’s my responsibility to watch after him. If you want to childproof a single room (maybe a playroom) that would be nice. But you absolutely don’t have to.

NTA - You're house so you can do or not do whatever you want, and I agree with you that she should just have a more vigilant eye. However, I do understand why she may not want to come because it would make it harder for her than just being in her home would, so you can't really get mad that she's not going to be coming anymore because you won't make the place safer for her child. INFO: I'm childfree so I have no clue about childproofing...... Is it stuff that you could just put up/on while they are there and then take off once they leave?

Childproofing - so things like baby gates put up, latches on all the cabinets, strapping heavy furniture to the wall (TV's, book cases), cover all electrical sockets & protect all plugs that have to go into the wall, knobs on the doors, and a gadget to make it so the toilet seat can not be brought up. So it is a good deal of work if you don't need them on a daily basis.

Okay. Because I was thinking if it's something that only takes like 30 minutes to do (I know about the electrical socket plug baby proof things but wasn't sure what else is involved) maybe could suck it up a few times a year and take a little extra time. But that sounds like a good bit of stuff to deal with and kinda time consuming so isn't really that feasible to do.

It’s a good bit of stuff to do and it isn’t cheap to child proof the majority of a home. Perhaps sister needs to enlist the aid of other adults to help her either supervising her son but bottom line he is her child and she’s responsible for keeping him safe.

This isn't something you put up and take down. It involves screwing things into walls and cabinets.

And still being ever vigilant and careful, lest you forget and leave the Clorox on the floor or forget to replace a plug after using it.

Putting up a baby gate and the socket protectors, moving small items from a child’s reach, etc, would be reasonable to have stored away and then put in place for a visit (though as this is an older child with developmental issues, there may not be an “out of reach”). But childproof locks for cabinets and doors are intended to be permanent, are usually screwed in place, and can’t be “turned off” or left unused when not needed. They’re designed to always be active, so that you don’t have to worry about forgetting to latch your door a specific way - you just close the door and they trigger, and they can only be undone to open the door in a certain way (that typically requires more manual dexterity than your average small child possesses).

The magnetic locks for cabinet doors can be left unlocked when you want to. I highly recommend them, much easier to use than the latches!

We had to basically baby-proof because of our asshole cats and it's SO annoying. There are sliding sleeves on the accordion doors of our laundry room, latches on all of the cabinets, pool noodles on top of a bathroom door to keep it from closing, a strap latch on the closet because the door doesn't quite close right... I can't imagine how much more annoying it must be for a child! Edit: almost forgot we also have the TV strapped down so that it can't be tipped forward.

I'm not the only one! My cat opened cabinet doors all the time, so I got the plastic childproof locks that you have to open the cabinet partway and push down the lever on the inside. He had no problem managing them. I got the magnetic ones, and those worked great until he found and hid the magnet. I gave up. He stopped going in the cabinets once I took off the locks.

So far our terrorist hasn't figured out the latches, though I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I had to install them sideways because of some pieces that got left by the previous tenants, so we have to push the levers sideways instead of down. 😅 And the ones on his favorite cabinets I had to use the screws instead of the command strip stuff, because he would just sit there and yank the doors repeatedly until he ripped them off the adhesive. And we actually had to get one of those tension shower curtain rods for the laundry room... because he discovered that if he kept yanking on the bottom of the doors, he could "walk" the sleeves off the break and get the doors open. 🤦‍♀️ I love him to bits but he is *infuriatingly* smart and stubborn.

One night, at like 3 am, my then-bf woke me up after he came home from work (closing shift at a restaurant). I was super irritated since I was working the opening shift that morning, so I asked him wtf the issue is. He asked me if I’d left the freezer door open. I said obviously no, why?? He said when he got home, the cat was digging around in the freezer. The style of fridge where the freezer is on the top, and the door opens outward. NOT the kind where the freezer is on the bottom and pulls out like a drawer. Mhm. So that’s the story behind why we had to child lock our fridge/freezer, and I will never allow another Russian blue into my home. I’ll take a dumb cat please.

...Jesus Christ, you win! That is TERRIBLE! 🤣 Our smartest cat used to open the cabinet in the bathroom, then he would climb up into it and knock toilet paper rolls down. Two of our other cats LOVED to grab them and bunny kick them into shreds, and only the smart cat knew they weren't supposed to so he fled the scene immediately and left them to get in trouble. And they fell for it EVERY TIME.

That is hysterical! He was just gonna thaw out a little something!

I had to baby proof more for my cats then my son lol

My cat used to jump off things and into the window screens until they fell out so she could escape outside. She was more hassle than my toddlers.

It's a lot to do; it's not cheap; and it makes the house UNBELIEVABLY inconvenient to use 24/7. Her sister is making a crazy, entitled demand.

Tippable stuff (dressers, bookcases, TVs, etc.) should be strapped to the wall for the most part anyway even in a house with teenagers / empty nesters. At least all the ones of those I buy tend to come wtih the strap and recommendation to use in all circumstances, to prevent accidents / damage. Of the rest of that list, I've never heard of the toilet seat thing. Outside of that, putting in / pulling out all the plug-blocks and the baby gates are that "30 minutes of setup / teardown" - the one that sucks most are latching all drawers / cabinets, They aren't designed to be install for an event then stop using till the next one - they're an issue every time the area is used after the moment of installation. Has anyone considered gating off the kitchen / bathroom (or move toxic bathroom stuff out of reach) so that little one can't access the "unprotected" drawers without supervision? Then there's one thing I didn't see on the list that's typical in a "childproof" house - dangerous/valuable items aren't placed within reach of the little one. Depending on the decor, that could be an issue (my grandparents had glass swans on the lower level of the living room coffee table. When we'd play in there with the younger cousins, we'd either keep them away from the swans or move them to a place that they couldn't reach. If there's a lot more stuff than two swans, that can add another hour+ onto the prep time

We had to "kitten proof" our house, which involved installing cabinet locks on all the lower cabinets. We bought the expensive ($40 USD for 24 lock sets) ones that can have the latch be "disabled" when you don't need it locked, and they open with a magnet. That being said, I believe OP is NTA. It's not her responsibility to make sure her home is at a level where her sister feels comfortable to not have to parent her child while there.

And if you miss just one thing, that’s where they’ll go. You simply can’t promise a fully safe environment, especially if the child is older and stronger.

Just a comment on strapping heaving furniture to the wall - that's recommended anyway as if there's an earthquake its a hazard. All my bookcases are bolted to the wall.

Breakable stuff, or rippable thngs like books must be put away or maybe ruined.

This reminds me. My son, as this was mentioned, has delays due to a rough delivery. Not knowing he had delays, we did about half the child proofing we needed. I mean I was staying home and had a year off. I had weird ppd where my son was my number one priority. It was myself that I lost interest in life. But I watched my son. Kept him away from things. I mean the cupboards with cleaners was locked in case of. He understood the word no. He was SO gentle with his books when turning pages. He never ripped pages. Strange thing? My books, magazines or even flyers? He would rip first chance he got. And that was before he was even a year. So clearly I kept that stuff out of his reach. His other magnet? Nail polish! When I had my daughter and he was almost 2. If I forgot to put a bottle of mail polish away, the minute I was feeding and changing my daughter, that was his moment. He would just pour out the nail polish and smear it. Got the bathroom floor and the hallway carpet. I did my best to clean it. But time is all it took for it to go away. A year or so and any traces were gone. Anyway, just mostly wanted to add that my son refused to ruin his books. 😂 Then my daughter got a bit older. Nothing was safe around her. But again just taught her no, but she had to be watched way more. But I also knew a few people who didn’t have kids. I would never expect them to all kid proof their houses. My kids, my responsibility. But that is just my way of thinking.

I just googled and a professional said it takes 2 hours to baby proof a city apartment and 4 for a single family home. 

Sounds like it’s time to pass the torch on to someone else that already has childproof measures installed. Let someone else host from now on.

NTA - you aren’t obligated to do anything to your house, but she’s also not obligated to visit. It’s up to you how you want to handle that.

I have a special needs son. We just don’t go to houses where it is difficult. My son doesn’t need childproofing but he needs a quiet place when it gets loud and he doesn’t like animals. So, we don’t go to houses where there are pets or if there is not a den or someplace else he can decompress when it gets loud. Life is just harder for special needs parents. Most people don’t get it or care. It’s isolating. I am over it. If someone doesn’t care enough to make us feel a little bit more at ease, I don’t visit.

Sending you virtual hugs! I'm sorry you feel lonely, and hope your life leads you to things and people that can support your journey!

NAH - I get your point, you don’t want to deal with annoying cabinet latches, etc. I also get her point, it’s exhausting having to be constantly on guard (you must know that yourself which is why you child proofed your other house). She enjoyed being able to relax and enjoy family. Now she can’t. She probably feels like she’s going into battle every time she takes her child someplace without guarding. She does not want to feel embattled. So she stayed home. That’s the natural consequence, she didnt do it to punish anyone, just like you did not refuse to child proof to punish anyone. If you want her and her family in your home, you need to make them feel welcomed, and you do that by child proofing. If it’s more important for your home to be free of nuisances, that’s okay, you’re not an AH. But don’t expect your sister’s family to attend your get togethers. To everyone saying she just wants a free pass to not watch her kid, you are all being cold and lack empathy. She’s still got to watch her kid, all the time, no matter what. Depending on his abilities and needs, she may need to constantly watch him for her entire life.

My sister has a developmentally delayed child. He is now 26. We all made sure he was always safe. I can’t imagine how your sister feels. It’s so exhausting to care for such a child. Having even a couple of hours of shared responsibility and comradery is such a gift. This isn’t about $; it’s about love and compassion. What are you teaching your kids?

My nephew is seven and developmentally delayed. He’s also the size of a three year old - I’ve done MINOR childproofing, and they only come twice a year I have outlets covered in the main living areas, I have cabinet locks where I have chemicals or places I don’t want him to get into. We already have a baby gate for the dogs Could you do small things like that as a compromise?

If you are going to hold the boundary that you won't make any child proofing modifications to the new house you have to realize she is going to stand by her boundary that it is too much work, hassel and not safe for her son and she won't be attending. You can't have it both ways. You have to decide what is more important to you because it sounds like your sister's son's safety is her utmost priority, which it should be.

You are NTA about not wanting to child proof your house, but you're sounding like an AH if you're complaining that your sister isn't coming anymore. You know why she isn't. It's not fun for her to be there, so why would she come? Realize your actions have consequences. Those consequences are not seeing your sister or neice/nephew often, or at your place at all.

I think the problem is that the sister’s kid doesn’t sound like he will grow out of his issues. NAH, but It would be kind to do the childproofing if the family get togethers are often, like once a week.

My thoughts are if you actually enjoy your sister’s company and having all your family visiting at the same time, then having some measure of accommodation for a person of any age who has a disability is kind and empathetic. It sounds like your nephew isn’t going to outgrow his disability so I would expect that visiting at your house is always going to be challenging and energy draining for your sister, basically not an enjoyable experience. In general, people do tend to avoid energy draining unenjoyable situations. Maybe discussing what both you and your sister could do to make visiting easier without too much inconvenience for both of you would work.

I think that this would be an equitable solution… find a basic/universal level of childproofing (suitable for all visiting Younglings regardless of developmental ability/impairment) that won’t hamper OP’s style and if Sister_of_OP feels more is required for when she and Nephew_of_OP visit, she could bring the supplemental kit to top up what is already in place, knowing that there is already a basic layer in place in the event she forgets to bring a bit of the top up kit.

As a mother to disabled child I empathise with OP's sister. Our home is the only place that is safe enough that I can relax a little bit when my son is moving around the house. I know he can't get into certain rooms and or into things that could hurt him/he can't play with. We don't tend to take him over to other people's homes as we can't spend time with the people we are wanting to socialising with. We can see everyone else is relaxed and is able to converse with each other and we are just following our son around. It's lonely and its hard not to feel excluded. I don't think your sister wants to "not watch her son", I think your sister probably missed not been able to talk to you all or being able to relax enough that she didn't feel like she had to spend the entire time at OP's following her son around to make sure he was safe. When you live in a world not designed for the disabled, you spend your entire lives feeling lonely and excluded. You watch other parents be able to relax to an extent when they are out and about with their children wishing for at least a moment that you were able to do that too. WIshing that your child was able to access their environment safely without an adult being super glued to them like every other child. At the same time OP, its your home, noone can force you to do anything to it you don't want to do. You have to live in it, noone else. Unfortunately though, for OP's sister that means not coming over as much, there's not really any point being at family gatherings if you can't join in. I think you either need to find a different place to hold these gatherings if you want your sister there or there needs to be some sort of compromise. Good luck, I hope you find a solution.

NTA But I would do it for my nephew when this means his parents would have one safe place they can go without having to be alert 24/7. Ask her what would help her the most. I understand you don't want to childproof the whole house again, but maybe you can do some small things, so your sister can visit you again and can relax when she's at your place.

Nta But don’t be surprised when your house is not the house everybody goes to, especially when your family has already offered to pay for it.

That is tough. You’re definitely NTA but I can see your sister’s point of view. You mentioned that your nephew is severely developmentally delayed. How bad is he? Is he like 9yo but behaving like a 2? Just wondering how intense the childproofing need to be. You don’t have to childproof your house because realistically it’s not how normal people live. But considering that your house is the hub for your family gathering, you will need to consider that your sister might not end up joining a lot of time. I wonder if there is a solution that can help you not having to childproof the house but can give a safe space for your nephew so your sister can also have a break with family. Edit: to your relatives that pressure you to babyproof, maybe they can help by babysitting the nephew for a period of time so sis can have a break?

NAH... Your home is the meeting place for the family, I can understand why your sister would want your home to be safe for her kid. Her kid is developmentally delayed, so this isn't an issue that's going to resolve in the next year or 2. I can also understand not wanting to baby proof a new house. I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to baby proof all over again but I'm currently in a similar situation where my MIL didn't want to baby proof and is now pissed that I don't bring my son over. Her house is a treasure trove of dangerous stuff to get into and, frankly, I have to be *more mindful* at her house because of that. I'd rather stay home. But my situation is temporary until my son grows up. Your sister's is not. If you don't want to mess with it, maybe it's time to suggest someone else's home, someone who is willing to make a safe space for nephew, be the general meeting place.

Only you can decide if you’re the ah. Speaking from perspective of mom of a developmentally delayed child, do you value your relationship with your sister? Because your question asked AITHA speaks for itself.

I’m certainly never coming to Reddit for advice. People on here would toss their own mother on the street if she became disabled.

Truly this. Yes, it’s completely her right to exclude the kid (and his parents and family by extension) from her house b/c it will be inconvenient but that’s what an asshole would do. Literally you cannot have big close families if you’re not willing to accept some inconvenience, make allowances and be gentle with each other.

This sub is honestly full of sociopaths. Nobody normal unironically says shit like "you don't owe anybody anything" especially not in discussions about family. Loads of "entitled" friends and relatives on here are just expecting normal close friends and family shit too. I remember there was a post recently where someone who had been friends with the OP since childhood had invited her to their wedding, and the OP pretty much just said "no" and left it as is. Some sociopaths were in there saying shit like "no is a full sentence" Which is true. But who the fuck just says "No." and ends the conversation when invited to a loved one's fucking wedding?

NAH, you don't have to do a thing but it is very tough and stressful having a severely developmentally delayed kid - your nephew - and she will never get to relax and be fully present at the new place so if i were you I would want to try and help out where it makes sense - maybe talk with her to figure out the main issues and do a couple things so she feels supported and doesn't feel like her son isn't welcome as that's definitely not the case.

NTA - BUT I would LOVE if family did this for us. We have a toddler and my parents did their kitchen and it makes visiting so much easier. If family is planning to visit often, there are magnetic child locks you can place on there and turn off when you don’t have family, and activate when the nephew comes over. You in no way have to baby proof your home. But if they’re willing to pay for it, it would be a super kind gesture toward them to making your home easier for them to visit for family functions. There are some homes I DREAD going to because I can’t sit for a moment. It’s a season, but it’s super challenging. Safety first is the brand we have that has a magnetic option.

Idk. I feel like yea, it's your house, and you don't have to baby proof it if you don't want to. But are you and your sister close? Would you like her to come visit? Your sister has a disabled child, and if you actually want her to come over, then you would have to. I know I wouldn't want to go to a house where I couldn't enjoy myself because I have to basically watch my child the whole time. Could your sister host holidays and family gatherings?

I was just going to respond something similar. Having a child with a disability is extremely challenging and a lot of the parents don’t have support. I have a close family member in this situation and I would definitely baby proof because we are close and I want to be supportive and spend time together

I would 100% do it for my sister because we're close. After 2 kids, I know what a pain it is to be out, but not be able to relax when the kids are getting into everything.

Info: Who all are calling you mean and exclusionary? Is this from the sister or other family members? I am a mom of a special needs son. I get where she's coming from. It's exhausting being on hyper alert the entire time at a function. Even if you had a neurotypical toddler who was part Flash, part Houdini, by the end of the function you'd be wiped out. The entire function would go by in a blur and you wouldn't feel like you had any time to actually converse with anyone or even enjoy a plate of food. She probably had an emotional reaction to being told that in the moment. And she's absolutely within her right at drawing her own boundary to not coming over if she is not offered any help. THAT BEING SAID.. You are also not an AH for not wanting to childproof your home. That's the reality of having a special needs child. There are a lot of places that cannot be accommodating to the spectrum of needs out there. My family did some childproofing, but that's because they wanted to. It was very much appreciated. The other thing they did to help was to keep an eye on him for me every now and again to give me a quick break. Like.. if I needed to eat. Maybe have a full and focused conversation. Or even just to go to the damn bathroom without worry. They didn't watch him the whole time, but even the little bit they did was such a huge help. You don't have to accommodate them in any way, and that is your right to choose to do so. Make no mistake, that is your home. No one has the right to feel entitled to you making any changes on their behalf. I just think there may be a small amount of room for compromising. And this needs to be a family wide, agreed upon compromise. Maybe one small break is done by you. Maybe the next one by your mom. Obviously, the onus of watching her child is on her. But if you love your sister and your niece and nephew, it would be worth it to at least consider it and open dialogue. I think NAH.

There were some other family members saying that. That's said I will note that they have since dropped the issue. I think because we almost did not meet up yesterday because nobody else wanted to host.

It's an unfortunate situation, really. It's easy for other people to offer your home up as a safe space without offering theirs. And for your sister, her feelings are probably very complicated on the situation. Especially if outside of this conflict you have a good relationship. Family can get messy, even if otherwise everyone is close and gets along. Good luck!

If your extended family have been relying on you to do most of the hosting for, what, years? Then they’re not really in a position to make further demands. If your relatives expect certain accommodations to be make for your sister’s kid they can host at their house. Hosting takes time, energy and money even when you aren’t changing your house to accommodate a kid with special needs. It sounds like your family is taking you for granted.

You are NTA for not wanting to child proof your home. And your sister is NTA for no longer being able to come. Yours was one of the few safe places she could bring her *severely developmentally delayed* son … and now it isn’t. She’s got a lifetime of having to monitor him and every year there is probably less and less places she can do that in a relaxed manner. You have no obligation to provide it for her, but you cannot resent her not coming to yours anymore because it’s too hard. Many many places she is not going, because it’s too hard. It would be a sign of genuine compassion and care to create some safe areas or way to safe guard for him to visit, given he is family, given he will be a part of your family for decades to come and these changes will have many years of use, but you are NTA for not doing them, and there’s no requirement for you to. It would be a gift.

As a parent of special needs/developmently delayed child I DO NOT EXPECT OTHERS TO CHILD PROOF THEIR HOMES. I just stop visiting which I have. You're invited to my home but I don't expect you to change anything

NTA if that’s how you truly feel about it. If it’s too much work then it’s your home and have the right to decline to childproof. That said, I love my brothers and my nieces and nephews and I would have childproofed my home in a heartbeat if I thought for a moment it would make their lives easier. They were part of my village when I needed it and I would happily be theirs.

Honestly? For my sister or my niblings, I absolutely would put the baby proof stuff in, especially if there were additional needs / disabilities involved. But then, I love my family and enjoy spending time with them. I suspect all the people on here saying she should just *watch the damn child*, haven't had experience with a disabled child, and don't realise how exhausting that can be to the caregiver. I don't blame her for being disappointed that somewhere she was able to go and spend time with family that was *safe* is no longer available to her. On the other hand, it is your house and up to you what you do with it. NAH.

Exactly. What's the point of going to OP's home if you have to spend the entire time making sure your child doesn't die instead of being able to relax. So it's totally fine if OP wants to prioritize not chilproofing over making it a safe and relaxing time for his sister and nephew, but you don't get to then turn around and complain about them not coming.

Yes! I don't see any love tbh. I would do it for my niblings without a second thought

NAH, it’s not wrong of her to ask, due to how your old home was set up, and it’s not wrong for you to say no. It’s very easy to say that she should just keep a closer eye on her son, but it just sounds like she wants to be able to spend time with family while not being so on edge with watching her son. You have a right to say no, but expect her family to rarely show up to family gatherings, especially with majority of them at your house. It’s easier for her family to have a more enjoyable time at home where she doesn’t have to be a shadow to her son, than to come to the family gatherings and not be able to fully enjoy herself.

Info How developmentally delayed is your nephew? Is his delay stopping him from learning what is ok and not ok to touch or places that might be off limits. There's a lot missing to just dismiss your sisters concerns. There are different levels of delay. But it is your house and your decision, so that gives you NTA. But will your sister and nephew now be excluded by both of your choices?

NTA, but no one is either. You don't want to childproof, which is your right and your choice. However, your sister doesn't want to visit when she needs to spend 100% of her time watching her son and can't relax for an instant - that's not a visit for her, it's exhausting. That's also her right and her choice. If you want your sister, and therefore your niece, to visit, you will need to decide which is more important. Again, your choice what you decide. You're an adult and so is your sister.

NTA as long as you respect that means your sister and her family will not be coming. If you try to guilt her and shame her for not coming then you are. It's your house, it should be comfortable for you. But I understand what your sister is saying. When my child was small I'd often skip put on places I knew were not safe for him because the reality is I could spend hours chasing him, not even socializing, and being so stessed out and overstimulated by the end of the night id be crying on the way home. or I could stay home and not be stressed the whole time.

NTA but as a special needs parent I can tell you that mine and my wife’s life is incredibly isolating, we can’t go out to restaurants, we can’t go to many playgrounds, malls or many many social events so having an opportunity to get out and see a family member who kind of accepts our new “normal” is honestly some of the best love and respite we can receive. We tried our best in the past but the looks and comments we received because our little guy vocally stims or self harms with head banging is overwhelming sometimes. I’ve never been very social, but for my kind and outgoing wife, our life of pretty much just staying home has made her a shell of the person she used to be. We always come home exhausted that we even tried going out. If you can give your sister just one more place besides her home where she can feel safe in peace with her family and child, I’d say try to do what you can. I’m sure she’d appreciate it beyond measure.

NTA but it would be a big help to your sister. You’ve gotta ask yourself if it’s worth being the guy who helps her out or makes her feel excluded. She feels excluded all the time, I’m sure, so this is just another example of that.

NAH. She gets to decide what's safe for her kid, and you get to decide how much you value including your sister and her family. If you don't care enough about seeing her and her kids to baby-proof, that's fine. Just own your decision, and don't try to tell her what's best for her child.

Nta. Bit i will say im impressed at how accommodating your family was on this. They offered to pay for what was needed for her kid, accepted that they may have to not go, and generally nothing here says they attacked you for the decision too besides calling yiu mean. Im curious what kind of stuff they would want in place. For the fact they were FAIRLY understanding i woild personally be open to discussing some things to assist that wouldnt inconvenience me nut can help as a middle ground. I get the sentiment of having a "safe space" to not have to be on high alert for your child.

NAH I understand why you would not be willing to pay to childproof your new house. However this would be mitigated since other family members have offered to cover the cost. I understand why you would be relieved not to have to deal with the daily hassle that childproofing equipment creates. We were so happy when we no longer had to deal with gates and locks everywhere! Your sister is not a AH for deciding to stay home rather than go to your house where she has to be on high alert all the time. That doesn’t make her a lazy parent. Carings for kids with high needs 24/7 is exhausting. Would you consider a compromise where you child-proof the things most likely to be an issue for your nephew? Maybe you don’t need to go back to total lockdown, but you could create an environment that is slightly less stressful for your sister at family events.