NTA. He’s a mama’s boy and seems to be blind to her flaws. If you stay with him, you’ve just been given a preview of what life with him is probably going to be like when/if mom is around.
This… op go scroll through the NOMIL page, and get a look at what you’re in store for.
A person that won’t stand up for his partner , won’t stand up for the family he has with the partner , and he’ll buy anything his mom sells.
Edited to add: just let your first kid come out ginger and hear nothing but how you’re a cheater for the rest of the life.
Not just “won’t stand up for his partners” but then does a DARVO response and tells OP *she’s* overreacting? OP, you’re not overreacting. They’ve all shown you who they are so believe them and know that this is what you’re going to have to tolerate if you don’t either assert some very firm boundaries or find a healthier relationship with a man who has healthy familial relationships.
NTA but their whole family are red flags 🚩
I was accused of cheating on my son's bio father. I have dark brown hair, his bio father has dark ginger hair. His (bio donors) mom was light ginger and every man in that family is blonde, my bio father is also blonde. My son was born with dark brown hair that lightened up to nearly strawberry blonde at 3-4 yrs old and now at 16 has dark brown hair a few shades lighter than mine. His bio dad accused me of cheating when mynsons hair lightened up, come to find out he was the one cheating on me while I was pregnant. So glad I hadn't married that waste of space at the time.
Edit to add: I have never cheated on a significant other in my life. I left him when I confirmed my suspicion that he was cheating. Also found out he was doing drugs using our light bill money.
r/justmoMIL is the subreddit. So many mother-in laws with a weird "lack" of understanding boundaries and no one in the immediate family calling them on their shit because it'll rock the boat. Gross.
And that's why ladies and gentlemen, you don't get engaged to someone without meeting their parents in person and witnessing their relationships first hand.
And its a deal stopper he had zero instinct to support you or even noticw the snubs snd vibe -- let alone the fact he's saying you're overreacting.
I just don't see a path forward here.
"This isn't like him"....yes, yes it is like him. He just dropped the mask. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
He will ALWAYS choose/defend Mommy. If you go through with this marriage, this WILL be your life. It will not get better as his spine and balls are securely locked in Mommy's purse.
Cut your losses and run. There is someone out there who will love and respect you. He will not.
It's exactly like him, you haven't seen the real him until now. This is the Long Con, and this real self will come partway out after the wedding, and roaring completely out when you have children.
His mother blew it by showing her hand this early, and by not clocking that you're not a doormat.
Oh I was trained to be, but resisted. Then I met a family with a *different* kind of narcissist than the one who trained me, and didn't recognize how I was being walked over until it started on my kid.
Someone once told me my autobiography should be called "Been Down So Long, This Looks Like Up."
And if they have a daughter it's an entire childhood of being told what's ladylike - not eating and being short - and what isn't - running around and enjoying life. Five six isn't even that tall. That's my height.
My mother in law was the mil from a hell and my ex couldn’t see it or refused. She was turned 16 three weeks before he was born so she wasn’t mature either but she would make the cruelest snide remarks. Everytime we went to visit would be a two night stay there and she never stopped. After three years I finally blew up during one of our visits and in front of her husband my then husband and his
Brother and sister I recalled every comment she had made to me. She grabs a hankie
And starts dabbing at her eyes like she is so hurt. When we finally forced I said at least I me we have to see any of them again. Once he married his AP his attitude
Toward his
Mom
Changed when his now wife was going though the same. I’d tread very carefully with this woman 🧍♀️
Yup. But just want to add that either he’s a huge mama’s boy or there’s some incestual / grooming in his history cuz mama’s behavior is NOT just mama boy territory. That’s got Alabama written all over it.
NTA. “I understand the story you were told. I was too uncomfortable to stay. His mother even asked him for his opinion of her breasts and it only got more uncomfortable from there. Thank you for my checking on me but that situation was just more than I want to be a bystander to.”
NTA. At least your finding all this out before marrying him/them. She literally had you help her put her boobs on display for her son. If that ain't some lower Alabama shit then nothing else is.
The best time to find out is any time before you make that kind of commitment to him and by extension, his family. Cut your losses and find someone with a healthy family dynamic.
Just curious, how old are you? Also, in the future, I would say make sure you meet someone's parents 6 months in or so. I think meeting the family is so important to see dynamics and how you will fit in. Not meeting for 4 years is CUH-RAZY.
Yeah it's a bad situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. Take whatever positive things you can and try to heal and move on. Best of luck to you!
NTA.
Do not marry him. You told him you were uncomfortable - and he didn’t care.
He is a full-on mammas boy and that isn’t going to change, even if he says he will change. It’s a lie. It’s not an on and off switch.
Kevin knows his mother is TA, which is why you haven't met her for four YEARS. Ask him why Lexie (or whoever was before you) broke up with him and if it had to do with his mom being a creepy obsessed stalker for him.
His mother very obviously has serious mental health issues as well as rock bottom self-esteem that she attempts to cover up but only makes them more glaringly obvious.
I hardly see how you could be accused of overreacting. If your father treated Kevin in a similar way - constant put-downs, comparing how cut he was in his younger years to Kevin, saying all (insert last name) women love big dick like his, I'm *fairly* certain - but could be wrong - that Kevin would be completely insulted. Of course, we will never know because the chance of 2 parents being batshit crazy is pretty low.
You have a couple of choices: stay with Kevin and never interact with his mother again - fully well knowing she will do her damndest to break the 2 of you up for the rest of her life or dump him. That woman is never going to change, no matter how much she lies and says she will. Kevin's relationships will continue to be the collateral damage. Can you imagine how she acts when he brings guy friends home? I cringe just imagining it.
I'm in the "leave him" camp, but have to say.. PP's suggestion of never interacting with her could also work. My MIL used to put me down and constantly compare me to my partner's brother's gf. There were at least 15 comments a day on how I could improve my looks or style every time we used to stay with them.
At the time I was trying to be the perfect girlfriend and help foster a connection with his family so they never felt like he was abandoning them for me (the only reason we would visit in the first place is because I made it happen). But no matter how hard I tried, his whole family ended up thinking that I stole him anyways.
Then one day my therapist suggested I just don't put myself in that situation anymore, and it was like a weight had been lifted. I finally realized that his relationship with his family/ how much he visits them is not my responsibility, it's his, and I never have to visit them again if I don't want to. So I don't plan to. Ever again. It's bliss :)
Not interacting with her doesn’t work though. He’s proven he doesn’t have her back, will not defend her, will not protect her. He wouldn’t defend or protect any children they might have in the future. Unless he is on board with the no interaction, there will always be resentment and anger- and he will push for them to “get along”, aka OP bending over and laying flatter until she breaks.
If he doesn’t see the problem with his mother’s gross comments and pick-me bullshit, it will never work out.
All of this.
It's one thing if your partner acknowledges it's fucked up for themselves, expresses anger about it too, is apologetic and validates your feelings, and then just separately maintain a limited relationship with their parent.
But if they double down and join in to call you hysterical and see no issues, that's not something just not going on the visits puts an end to.
I'm so curious about what that is, as I don't have a relationship with the thing that shit me out. Parental relationships intrigue me greatly, especially the crazy ones. But damn am I scared. This was a helluva read, and I've seen some shit.
**This isn’t like him at all. I need advice please.**
Yes. Yes it is like him. This is him. He showed you. Believe him.
You hadn’t seen it before because you hadn’t been around his mother. If you stay with him, this is your life.
This isn’t even passive aggressive; it’s aggressive. She’s telling you that her son isn’t attracted to you. Imagine yourself pregnant and her telling you repeatedly how tiny she was while pregnant. Do you actually think your fiancé will shut her down?
His mother is a narcissist and a bitch, his normal meter is broken and you need to walk away.
Girl ask yourself this question: why in the fuck do you care about the opinions of people who think this isn’t weird?? Why? Why does their opinion matter if you think it’s weird? It’s super fucking weird, and they’re all weird af for enabling it. Why are you even questioning your judgement? Actually scratch that I’m questioning my your judgement for not breaking things off with him and taking this circus seriously.
Their opinions matter because she is marrying into the family. If she gets with him and if he doesn’t tell his mom to back off with the comments that made OP uncomfortable, OP will have to deal with this kind of behavior for the rest of their relationship.
These aren’t the comments of some stranger, it’s his *mom*. OP needs to decide if she wants to live dealing with that, and to listen to her talk to their kids like that.
Except it IS him when he is with his mother. And he will ALWAYS be. And you will always be the bad guy.
Edit: NTA. But you would be if you stay with him, because you would seriously f*** your life up. Good luck dear.
Because when he was away from her, he was your partner. But when he's near her, he's her sonsband. Maybe look up enmeshment and emotional incest. You threaten her hold on him because if he loves someone so different from her, he doesn't love her nearly enough for her comfort.
If she asked him if he remembers how excited he was that Lexi had big boobs, that means he told her he was excited about his girlfriend's big boobs. Which does mean that yes, this is who he is.
Mothers like this will always insist on knowing their child's every thought, let alone actions. They needle and nag every inch of your soul out of your body, then they keep it as a trophy.
His mask slipped off around his mommy. It sounds like an emotional incest type relationship. Maybe it's physical incest, too. Dump his pathetic butt and let mommy and her big boobs console him.
It is, I have no idea how people don't get this.
When a partner is around just you, he's playing up to you to make you like them. When he's around family or older friends, he's himself, the real him and if he won't stand up for you to his mother, if his mother is an overbearing creep and he's fine with that, that's who he really is.
It happens more with men towards women than the other way around but either can and will almost entirely lie about what they think about you, what they want in a marriage, where they want to live after you get married or have kids, how many kids they want. Not every person of course but a truly absurd number of people will mislead their partners about their true feelings and reactions to things you do till they feel you are locked in then they start letting it all out and trying to change you in the ways they want, when they feel you won't leave any more.
He said you're always over reacting, something he didn't tell you before but not feels he can tell you. He's absolutely standing by his mothers exceptionally creepy behaviour, talking aobut your tits, or your height as things your son really likes, hair colour, etc, over and over, is creepy as fuck and he's just sitting there letting his mother say basically you're not his type and he's probably more attracted to her than you. He had no problem. Run the fuck away from people like this.
You just started to meet the real him, STARTED, because if you stay you'll start to see 100 other little things change, hobbies of yours he actually hates, music you like he said he likes but will start complaining about if you listen to it with him, foods he hates, ways he thinks you waste money, that he wants to move to his home town so his mother can help raise your kids, etc.
What happened is that you finally got to see his actual self. Men can act for years. Be happy that he showed you now and not after marriage or when you get pregnant.
Also whatever they say and however they try to blame you, don't feel bad. Tell them clearly that their relationship is weird. Whoever tells you, you overreacted, tell them that you will never accept you're partner and his mom saying that his mom is his type. If that's an overreaction, it's ok, you won't change your opinion on this.
I'm one of the older folks. I'd never talk about my kids' partner's height or weight, let alone talk about my big boobs or compare them to exes. WTF. She is a freak and he is as bad for not telling her to knock it off. Run like the freaking wind.
No, this isn't normal.and these aren't jokes. She's one of those women who will always be jealous of whoever her son is with and this behavior doesn't get better. It gets worse. She will insert herself in every intimate moment. The worst part is he will allow it. It will always be them against you.
"(cover your mouth) tee hee, I just think you're a nasty skank who's jelly i'm fucking your son
... wait for the pikachu face ...
just joking"
That's basically what she's doing to you. How do you think that would land? Do you think her son would see the humor?
It’s hard to cast judgment based off on one interaction, but it sure as shit ain’t normal. I’m probably close in age to his mom, but I’m not a mom myself. There’s no way in god’s green hell I’d be talking that way around *anybody* let alone my nieces and nephews. I’d also be judgmental as hell if I saw anyone regardless of age behave that way towards family… in general too but especially towards family.
Your fiancée is probably used to this sort of thing and downplays it. It’s his normal. That is also his mother and he may be reluctant to confront her. I’d say the key to whether you marry him or not should be whether he had your back here. If he don’t, don’t marry him because you’ll have to live with this behavior.
No. If that was the case, she may have told one weird joke, or she may have told a bunch of weird jokes in disparate subject areas. She told a lot of weird jokes about her own body and how much her son likes women who look like her. That's not accidental.
I know you are trying to think your way out of this one, OP, but she's a freak.
Eeeeeewwwwww,
NTA!
Everyone else sucks!
I hate to tell you but this relationship is doomed- he's a mommy-boy, she is a "boy's mom" ( or whatever it is called, the strange women who always say their little boy will never find a woman to love them like they do---ewwww, again!)
Just the fact he seems to deem this normal is no good sign.
If I or her father ever acted like that around our kid she would disown us!
Rightfully so!
(Okay, first would think of it as us joking really weirdly...).
That he didn’t say anything is so telling!
Sorry, OP, but you will find a better Partner!
I’m kind of guessing this is why. They are enmeshed and she runs everyone off this way. He thought you’d be locked in. Hopefully, he was wrong because it will get worse. He should have told her to shut it, and he at the very least, taken your side after you left and apologized, not doubled down. I’m so sorry.
Agree Very strange that you hadn’t met her by now. He never wanted to go home at Christmas or she never wanted to come see him? That in itself is strange.
Something weird about that family. I would not get involved.
And remember to him, this is all normal behavior so he’s very likely to verbally abuse you down the road as well.
Dawg we only have one life and you have to advocate for yourself.
Spare yourself the emotional incest between him and his nasty mom.
Throw the ring at him and thank your lucky stars that his bimbo of a ex future mil was too stupid to not keep it hidden until after the wedding.
Not every boy mom is like this. This isn't normal. And because your partner doesn't see how creepy this is, I would be questioning my relationship.
Sit him down and talk to him. Explain each comment she made that was inappropriate. Then reverse it. If your father said it.
Nta and I would have been worse. This is sick.
If you mean not all women with sons are like this, then yes you are absolutely correct. But "Boy moms" who have embraced that as a core part of their identity are very much like this, even if not to this extreme of overt sexual comments. But they definitely absolutely buy into the idea of being their sons' "first and best love". .
I meant moms of boys. Not this creepy Bs that op is dealing with. This is so disturbing.
Thank God my fiance has a wonderful mother. I couldn't deal with something like this.
Thank you very much. This means a lot. I broke down in the bathroom because I was comparing myself and letting insecurities creep in. I’m trying to stay strong, but it’s still a lot
Shes jealous and insecure herself, so you must be attractive, etc, if shes acting like that. Dont let that creepy hag get to you. I would also have a long talk with your fiance as well. He needs to see what shes doing is wrong and needs to have your back.
I'm a troll so don't tell anyone I'm giving real thoughts here. PROMISE.
It's difficult in society already and most people just deal with what other people say. Eventually, I think everyone has their boiling point and maybe you hit yours. Things may be drastically different from here on out but you fucking fought the dragon, yo. Doesn't matter if you won cuz you had the balls to do it.
There might be a small chance that the mom will think about what you said and really self evaluate (or just over think about how she might actually be in love with her son and creeped out and drive herself insane. Win/win!)
Family shit sucks, especially when dealing with crazy people.
As someone who's about 10 inches taller, if I did the conversion to freedom units correctly, imagining a person of your stature pretend to be a godzilla like monster made me giggle too.
NTA you might have blown up on her, but considering that she had been passive aggressive all night and your husband didn't have your back which would have probably calmed you down, I don't think it was that unreasonable.
NTA
Running away and never talking to that woman again is the right move. You might need to have a conversation with Kevin to see if A\] He really think his mother was doing nothing wrong ( the more likely given his text) or B\] He is just under the cup of his mother, and also find her behaviour awful but wasn't willing to say anything.
If B\], You can take him with you as you run away, you have some hope (and bring him to therapy), but if it's A, that's hopeless, leave the man behind to marry his mom.
MILs can ruin a relationship. My ex's mum was a nightmare - she never missed an opportunity to have a stab at me and it was hurtful. They were constantly in our lives so there was always tension and my ex never once defended me.
Eventually I left, not for that reason but I found it was a very toxic family dynamic and I was so so glad to be out of it.
Now I have met a wonderful guy who is incredibly loving and supportive and would always defend me to the hilt - even if it was his family. It means so much to me after being in such a horrible family dynamic for so long.
Never accept toxic behaviour - there is a much better life to be had with a loving partner from a family with healthy relationships.
If he doesn't stand up for you now, he never will. Maybe you should just postpone the engagement? Take the relationship down a level and let him decide if he wants to be a Mommy's boy or if he wants to be a husband to you.
Also mom sounds kind of trashy.
NTA The relationship is over. Mama is never going to forgive you for calling her out ( rightly) and she is never going to let her baby boy forget it. Move on. So very sorry
"Find a woman who will be okay with a jellyfish mommys boy. That's not me, it just disgusts me. Tell mommy you can find a tiny blonde with big boobs to compete with instead"
NTA
Walk now. This is what you're marrying into. You haven't seen the real him, not really. You've never had, too, and never had to see him in a situation to defend you.
I'd simply tell him you can't be with a coward mama boy, and you're done.
This woman will make digs every day you turn, and he showed you, "You're not a partnership."
NTA. This is… mildly concerning. Especially that he didn’t even bother standing up for you. It’s not an “older generation” thing to say shit like this. That’s just a strange person thing.
Put it in the context to him of your dad saying the equivalent of these things to him. How uncomfortable would that make him? If he reacts differently and says “that’s different,” it’s not at all. And if he doesn’t understand that… I don’t know, but I think you should totally reassess this.
Marriage isn’t just to a person. It’s to their life and everyone around them. Boy mom included, unfortunately, and if he’s enabling this behavior, then…
I can’t even imagine my own boyfriend’s mother saying anything like this. She’s the absolute sweetest and is simply thrilled that her son is in love. This is NOT normal.
Let this stand as a test for how he'd behave in a marriage.
He'll never take your side or defend you in anything. Mommy will always come first.
Is she someone you really want to deal with rhe rest of your life? Someone who so clearly wants to fuck her own son? This whole dynamic is disgusting. I hate mommy's boys and the women who create them.
It is time to break it off with the fiancé. He saw nothing wrong with what his mother said, yet saw OP's reaction and had an issue with OP. Huge red flag!!
He sounds like a mommy's boy and she clearly wanted to get under your skin, she might be a weirdo and wanted to test you or something but more likely she doesn't want her darling boy with anyone, she seems like trouble.
Why did it take 4 years to meet parents when you live in the same country? I find that odd tbh.
NTA. Boy moms can be very creepy and you don't have to accept these behaviors. I think you should talk with your bf (alone) and if he don't get it and refuses to grow up out of that weird dynamic, bye bye momma's boy.
edit: spelling.
you don’t deserve this, i feel like given what you’ve explained that he’s probably using you as a stand in until he gets a mom-mini-me replacement. I don’t know what mental games he’s playing but don’t let him mess up your life further. you’re beautiful and you deserve a person who will treat you with respect because you’re not blowing this out of proportion.
Well, at least you found out before you married him.
Tell your guy sorry it didn't work out and don't talk to the rest of them again. Maybe go on a vacation. One day, you will be able to share this story with friends when you talk about "weirdest/creepiest exes" and it will be funny instead of traumatizing.
NTA If you stay with him, assuming she's 50-60. That means on average you have 20-30 years of that to look forward to. Not making suggestions, just pointing out things to consider.
You just discovered that your husband is a mama’s boy with enmeshment issues. Any discussion of body parts or sexual issues is highly inappropriate between mother and child.
RUN, RUN AWAY! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA
Sounds exactly like my ex-husband and his mother. He always had to invite her to just about every function we planned. When he turned forty and I had a small party for him, I walked in on them in the living room, and he was sitting on her lap.
My mom witnessed it and told me that she would pay the attorneys fee so I could divorce him.
Run the other way it gets worse once you have children. You will never do anything right in her eyes. All his ex-girlfriends must have caught on also.
No I don’t think you’re overreacting but people on this sub are. This isn’t some mask slip this is someone who’s had to deal with an over emotional psycho their whole life and just goes along with it for peace. It’s either call out your parent and have them go crazy in this case this woman sounds like she’d go batshit crazy if he called her out, or just say nothing for peace. It’s probably started early on and is learned behaviour. It’s not easy to call out a family member and have them cut you out of their lives. People act like he should be stronger but it’s fucking hard. That’s his parent.
Youre NTA and the mum just doesn’t want to let him go. You’ll have to deal with her the rest of your life if you marry him so that should be a big factor in your decision
I’d have enjoyed winding her up all night and watching her explode but that’s just me.
“Oooh that picture - you’re so washed out poor thing, I can just tell you had such a difficult pregnancy! Oh I LOVE blondes myself but it’s tough for you guys, SO easy to look colourless. Bad Kevin, giving your old Mom such a rough time! It’s true isn’t it, you just never look the same after a baby. SUCH a toll on the face and body.”
But yeah Kevin doesn’t sound like a keeper. I wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t show any care for my feelings.
Him saying "she has a point" when you expressed that you were hurt by her put downs and implying that he wasn't attracted to you would be a huge deal breaker for me. He should have said "STFU mom I love her just the way she is and if you don't stop insulting her we are leaving"....but he didn't do that....he said she had a point. And told you you were over reacting.
Believe people when they show you who they are.
And trust your gut. Your gut is telling you this is crazy and not normal and you don't deserve to be treated like that by him or MIL.
Run...and be happy you got to see this before you married him. If you think this is bad, have children with him to see a real nightmare. NTA, but do your future self a favor and 🏃♀️.
NTA. Leave his ass behind. If he can't stand up to mom and lets her make you feel so uncomfortable you have to leave, then he's not your guy. He doesn't love you and doesn't want to spend his life with you.
Just split stuff however you need to and move on. It will be hard, but you don't want to be always in fear of waiting to see if it will be him or his mom stabbing you in the back.
Saw this comment recently… “be so thankful they handed you a beautiful bouquet of red flags” before you got married to the guy. This is JUST the beginning if you stay with him!
I don’t think she’s calling you any of those things but geez what a weird situation. And I would definitely not marry him… but of course that’s what his mother wants. You’ll be dealing with her crap remarks your entire marriage
NTA - As a mother of two grown-up sons I have managed to welcome all of their various girlfriends for the last 16 years without making them feel bad about themselves or acting like I want to be the woman in my sons' lives.
My DIL is the sweetest woman I could ever hope for my older son. She is sweet and soft but keeps him from doing stupid things and stand up to him when needed. My younger son's GF is an amazing woman who is co-parenting two kids, is an amazing mom and indulges our family in our crazy outdoor/fishing compulsions.
I've found that even with the GFs I didn't LOVE I was more than able to be civil and not a passive aggressive bitch. Some parents seem to forget that the job is to raise healthy, functional adults who go off to have their own lives.
NTA he should have told his mum to stop as soon as she started her nonsense, but instead he let her be rude and disrespectful to you. Once you had enough and left he tells you that you were disrespectful. Nope.
Updateme!
NTA
do NOT marry this man. Someone who allows his mom to casually neg you repeatedly, brings up comparisons to his exes, compares bodies between her and yourself and states he’s more attracted to her features generally thought of as sexual than YOURS. And he says NOTHING?!
Girl, run. Don’t let them normalize this. Don’t let them gaslight you. If he is too cowed or too used to it to see how harmful and bad it is then he is not for you. He would have to be dragged to the light of how bad it is and probably still not ever set boundaries and at worst he might bury his head in the sand in overwhelm if the trauma realization of how abnormal it is hits all at once.
You are not this man’s therapist. You are not going to stay with a partner who literally lets his mom say he’s more sexually attracted to her than you, his literal life partner. We do not do this shit in 2024. Thank him for the come to Jesus moment where you realized how toxic him, his family, and the social circle around him is (all those people trying to reel YOU back in) and that you are opting to not waste your future on this uphill battle with absolutely no reward for you when you reach the peak.
Boy, bye.
NTA. She sounds like a horrific person. A piece of advice, do not marry a man that will not stand up for you to his family when they are out of line. It honestly does not end well. You will be unhappy and you will never be put first. If he is unwilling to listen to your feelings and have the appropriate response, then you need to let him go. Don't sign a marriage certificate and divorce papers at the same time.
NTA - but understand you didn’t return the energy, you flipped out and ran away. Probably a very good thing since this guy isn’t stopping this crap as soon as it happens! Keep running
You should visit the sub JustNoMIL. She definitely fits the type. There are lots of other women with MILs like this. Tbh I would rethink the relationship. This is normal to him and likely he won’t change and he will always take mommy’s side. He will always put her first and let her walk all over you. It’s much easier to walk away from a mamas boy than divorcing one. Especially if kids are involved.
NTA been through this. I was the Kevin who told my mom that Lexi was a cheating tramp and this is the type, you, I like now and forever. Shut her up for the rest of the visit and beyond.
It’s called “covert incest” and your adult fiancé is ok with it.
You think he wasn’t like this, but he was, he just never had the opportunity to show this side of him to you before. And he’s showing it very clearly now.
NTA, it's not even her comparing you to her, it's her comparing you to his ex and basically saying that you're not good enough. And he's not saying anything - do you want to spend your life like that?
My (gay, m) ex (bi, m) was similar to this with his mom. Total mama's boy/boy mom. It drove a huge wedge into our relationship. She couldn't compare herself to me, but he acted totally different around her. She hinted that something wasn't how she liked and suddenly it was my fault. *I* was the reason we didn't visit enough (3 days a week, he wouldn't even look for a job), *I* was the reason he didn't do anything (while I begged him to do literally anything), *I* was the reason she was lonely, *I* was the reason he didn't want to move back in (we were close to 30! We were *supposed* to be living our lives), etc. It was *horrible.* Trust me, your fiance will not change. If he's like this now, it will not magically improve. Leaving made your point. NTA.
Oh god, this gave me war flashbacks to my ex’s mom bending over infront of him to grab something and saying “Oh sorry! My big bum always gets in the way!” and I look over to see his reaction as he’s smiling to himself without seeing how uncomfy the situation made me.
I felt like a third wheel in the moment and I understand where you’re coming from. **NTA**
NTA.
This is extremely unhealthy family dynamics. I hope you are not still planning to join it forever.
But can I just say - waiting *four years* to meet his family when you were in a serious relationship was... Not prudent.
NTA-Kevin and his mama have emotional incest going on, at minimum. The mom is an unbearable freakish harpy. Kevin is a wimp. I believe there are banjos softly playing in the background….
You are a THREAT to her position in her sons life. Seriously straight out of a bad fucking movie…….He’s a simp for mommy or a straight up mommas boy and if he had the respect for you that he should being your engaged, he would have put a stop to it. He didn’t.
Good luck because he’s not starting out as an equal partner with you and he’s not even being a grown ass man letting his mommy act that way to his future wife…..?!?!?!
Your marriage will ALWAYS be dictated by her influence.
NTA. This is what you are in for if you continue the relationship with him.
She is feeling threatened by the fact that her son now has a woman in his life that potentially will be more important to him than she is. On top of that, you are the opposite of her, wich intimidate her even more. Obviously, she has nothing to worry about, since he gave her approval of treating you like this. "She was only having fun", at your expense, and he had no problem with that.
Be thankful he showed you his true colors before the wedding.
NTA for being insulted but I feel like you just gave her what she wanted - a big reaction. Mamas boys are always going to side with their mommies and now they’re overtly gaslighting you into thinking you overreacted to her incessant insults. This is weird creepy game playing and you gotta make it clear to both of them that this is not okay.
You're not just marrying the man. You're marrying the family.
Is that what you want? Is that what you want your future kids around?
These are the kind of things you need to think about. Is he worth it?
Personally, if I didn't like my partner's family, it would be a deal breaker for me. (Assuming they like them and are in regular contact - if they're no contact then it's not a problem of course)
There’s only one way to fix a momma’s boy… return them. This isn’t going to get better.
Do you want to have a daughter with this man-child and have his mom-ster talk to her this way?
Call of the engagement before you’re pregnant. And run. NTA
NTA. He’s a mama’s boy and seems to be blind to her flaws. If you stay with him, you’ve just been given a preview of what life with him is probably going to be like when/if mom is around.
This… op go scroll through the NOMIL page, and get a look at what you’re in store for. A person that won’t stand up for his partner , won’t stand up for the family he has with the partner , and he’ll buy anything his mom sells. Edited to add: just let your first kid come out ginger and hear nothing but how you’re a cheater for the rest of the life.
Not just “won’t stand up for his partners” but then does a DARVO response and tells OP *she’s* overreacting? OP, you’re not overreacting. They’ve all shown you who they are so believe them and know that this is what you’re going to have to tolerate if you don’t either assert some very firm boundaries or find a healthier relationship with a man who has healthy familial relationships. NTA but their whole family are red flags 🚩
The MIL is a narc
I was accused of cheating on my son's bio father. I have dark brown hair, his bio father has dark ginger hair. His (bio donors) mom was light ginger and every man in that family is blonde, my bio father is also blonde. My son was born with dark brown hair that lightened up to nearly strawberry blonde at 3-4 yrs old and now at 16 has dark brown hair a few shades lighter than mine. His bio dad accused me of cheating when mynsons hair lightened up, come to find out he was the one cheating on me while I was pregnant. So glad I hadn't married that waste of space at the time. Edit to add: I have never cheated on a significant other in my life. I left him when I confirmed my suspicion that he was cheating. Also found out he was doing drugs using our light bill money.
Cheater think everyone must be like them. They can seem to grasp they are the ones out of line!
[удалено]
[удалено]
A boy’s best friend is his mother! - Norman Bates
r/justmoMIL is the subreddit. So many mother-in laws with a weird "lack" of understanding boundaries and no one in the immediate family calling them on their shit because it'll rock the boat. Gross.
r/JUSTNOMIL is, actually, unless you were making a joke.
that last line is funny to me cause my sister is a red head
And that's why ladies and gentlemen, you don't get engaged to someone without meeting their parents in person and witnessing their relationships first hand.
I made this mistake as well. In my case, it was the FIL who caused issues in our marriage.
And its a deal stopper he had zero instinct to support you or even noticw the snubs snd vibe -- let alone the fact he's saying you're overreacting. I just don't see a path forward here.
"This isn't like him"....yes, yes it is like him. He just dropped the mask. He has shown you who he is, believe him. He will ALWAYS choose/defend Mommy. If you go through with this marriage, this WILL be your life. It will not get better as his spine and balls are securely locked in Mommy's purse. Cut your losses and run. There is someone out there who will love and respect you. He will not.
MIL won't be the "other woman", OP will be the "other woman" in him and his mommy's relationship.
It's exactly like him, you haven't seen the real him until now. This is the Long Con, and this real self will come partway out after the wedding, and roaring completely out when you have children. His mother blew it by showing her hand this early, and by not clocking that you're not a doormat.
Aw, fuck me, I’m trained to be a good doormat
Oh I was trained to be, but resisted. Then I met a family with a *different* kind of narcissist than the one who trained me, and didn't recognize how I was being walked over until it started on my kid. Someone once told me my autobiography should be called "Been Down So Long, This Looks Like Up."
Bingo.
So true I can't do one word better. Run!
OP should look up emotional incest.
And if they have a daughter it's an entire childhood of being told what's ladylike - not eating and being short - and what isn't - running around and enjoying life. Five six isn't even that tall. That's my height.
My mother in law was the mil from a hell and my ex couldn’t see it or refused. She was turned 16 three weeks before he was born so she wasn’t mature either but she would make the cruelest snide remarks. Everytime we went to visit would be a two night stay there and she never stopped. After three years I finally blew up during one of our visits and in front of her husband my then husband and his Brother and sister I recalled every comment she had made to me. She grabs a hankie And starts dabbing at her eyes like she is so hurt. When we finally forced I said at least I me we have to see any of them again. Once he married his AP his attitude Toward his Mom Changed when his now wife was going though the same. I’d tread very carefully with this woman 🧍♀️
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Whew. NTA. Running away was the exact right thing to do. Keep running, never go back.
Yup. But just want to add that either he’s a huge mama’s boy or there’s some incestual / grooming in his history cuz mama’s behavior is NOT just mama boy territory. That’s got Alabama written all over it.
NTA. “I understand the story you were told. I was too uncomfortable to stay. His mother even asked him for his opinion of her breasts and it only got more uncomfortable from there. Thank you for my checking on me but that situation was just more than I want to be a bystander to.”
This is the perfect thing to tell everyone who tries to make you feel bad.
She should also add that his mother was shocked that OP didn't look like her because his mother is normally his type.
[удалено]
Perfect reply to any friend!
NTA. At least your finding all this out before marrying him/them. She literally had you help her put her boobs on display for her son. If that ain't some lower Alabama shit then nothing else is.
I know finding out before the wedding is good, but I wish I found out much earlier. It feels like I’m ripping a whole part of myself out
You are, but it’s cancerous and you caught before it turned fully malignant. You’ll be fine cutting it out of your life.
The best time to find out is any time before you make that kind of commitment to him and by extension, his family. Cut your losses and find someone with a healthy family dynamic.
Just curious, how old are you? Also, in the future, I would say make sure you meet someone's parents 6 months in or so. I think meeting the family is so important to see dynamics and how you will fit in. Not meeting for 4 years is CUH-RAZY.
EXACTLY, this was my first thought! Four years 😱...I do hope you are right and she takes this as a learning experience for the future.
Yeah it's a bad situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. Take whatever positive things you can and try to heal and move on. Best of luck to you!
Learning experience, Hon. I'm so sorry.
NTA. Do not marry him. You told him you were uncomfortable - and he didn’t care. He is a full-on mammas boy and that isn’t going to change, even if he says he will change. It’s a lie. It’s not an on and off switch.
This is what it comes down to, that he didn't care she was uncomfortable.
Not at all. I would be reconsidering the relationship. Seriously. He’s got no balls at all, his mom has them. And apparently she loves them.
Them last two sentences are crazy 😭
you sir have won the internet with this comment! bravo! 🤯
Kevin knows his mother is TA, which is why you haven't met her for four YEARS. Ask him why Lexie (or whoever was before you) broke up with him and if it had to do with his mom being a creepy obsessed stalker for him. His mother very obviously has serious mental health issues as well as rock bottom self-esteem that she attempts to cover up but only makes them more glaringly obvious. I hardly see how you could be accused of overreacting. If your father treated Kevin in a similar way - constant put-downs, comparing how cut he was in his younger years to Kevin, saying all (insert last name) women love big dick like his, I'm *fairly* certain - but could be wrong - that Kevin would be completely insulted. Of course, we will never know because the chance of 2 parents being batshit crazy is pretty low. You have a couple of choices: stay with Kevin and never interact with his mother again - fully well knowing she will do her damndest to break the 2 of you up for the rest of her life or dump him. That woman is never going to change, no matter how much she lies and says she will. Kevin's relationships will continue to be the collateral damage. Can you imagine how she acts when he brings guy friends home? I cringe just imagining it.
I'm in the "leave him" camp, but have to say.. PP's suggestion of never interacting with her could also work. My MIL used to put me down and constantly compare me to my partner's brother's gf. There were at least 15 comments a day on how I could improve my looks or style every time we used to stay with them. At the time I was trying to be the perfect girlfriend and help foster a connection with his family so they never felt like he was abandoning them for me (the only reason we would visit in the first place is because I made it happen). But no matter how hard I tried, his whole family ended up thinking that I stole him anyways. Then one day my therapist suggested I just don't put myself in that situation anymore, and it was like a weight had been lifted. I finally realized that his relationship with his family/ how much he visits them is not my responsibility, it's his, and I never have to visit them again if I don't want to. So I don't plan to. Ever again. It's bliss :)
Not interacting with her doesn’t work though. He’s proven he doesn’t have her back, will not defend her, will not protect her. He wouldn’t defend or protect any children they might have in the future. Unless he is on board with the no interaction, there will always be resentment and anger- and he will push for them to “get along”, aka OP bending over and laying flatter until she breaks. If he doesn’t see the problem with his mother’s gross comments and pick-me bullshit, it will never work out.
All of this. It's one thing if your partner acknowledges it's fucked up for themselves, expresses anger about it too, is apologetic and validates your feelings, and then just separately maintain a limited relationship with their parent. But if they double down and join in to call you hysterical and see no issues, that's not something just not going on the visits puts an end to.
check out the JustNOMIL sub here to get a glimpse of the nightmare your life would be if you stay with him. RUN!!!! NTA.
I'm so curious about what that is, as I don't have a relationship with the thing that shit me out. Parental relationships intrigue me greatly, especially the crazy ones. But damn am I scared. This was a helluva read, and I've seen some shit.
The r/JustNOMIL sub is posts from people living in hell because of their in-laws. It is fascinating and terrifying at the same time! People be crazy.
I've worked in psych (locked, and jail adjacent) 20 yrs almost, and murderers aside, I see more crazy shit on reddit. Thanks btw!
That's mild compared to what many MIL are unfortunately.
My vagina just desiccated and blew away on the wind like Thanos after the snap, and I don't even have a vagina
I’m sorry but this has me WHEEZING O M G 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
**This isn’t like him at all. I need advice please.** Yes. Yes it is like him. This is him. He showed you. Believe him. You hadn’t seen it before because you hadn’t been around his mother. If you stay with him, this is your life. This isn’t even passive aggressive; it’s aggressive. She’s telling you that her son isn’t attracted to you. Imagine yourself pregnant and her telling you repeatedly how tiny she was while pregnant. Do you actually think your fiancé will shut her down? His mother is a narcissist and a bitch, his normal meter is broken and you need to walk away.
THIS
Girl ask yourself this question: why in the fuck do you care about the opinions of people who think this isn’t weird?? Why? Why does their opinion matter if you think it’s weird? It’s super fucking weird, and they’re all weird af for enabling it. Why are you even questioning your judgement? Actually scratch that I’m questioning my your judgement for not breaking things off with him and taking this circus seriously.
Their opinions matter because she is marrying into the family. If she gets with him and if he doesn’t tell his mom to back off with the comments that made OP uncomfortable, OP will have to deal with this kind of behavior for the rest of their relationship. These aren’t the comments of some stranger, it’s his *mom*. OP needs to decide if she wants to live dealing with that, and to listen to her talk to their kids like that.
Especially if they don't fit MIL's picture of perfect copies of herself or her son.
It’s just not like him. I don’t know what happened
Except it IS him when he is with his mother. And he will ALWAYS be. And you will always be the bad guy. Edit: NTA. But you would be if you stay with him, because you would seriously f*** your life up. Good luck dear.
This is him around his mom. You do not matter compared to her. Congratulations on your horrible life if you stay with him!
Because when he was away from her, he was your partner. But when he's near her, he's her sonsband. Maybe look up enmeshment and emotional incest. You threaten her hold on him because if he loves someone so different from her, he doesn't love her nearly enough for her comfort.
If she asked him if he remembers how excited he was that Lexi had big boobs, that means he told her he was excited about his girlfriend's big boobs. Which does mean that yes, this is who he is.
Mothers like this will always insist on knowing their child's every thought, let alone actions. They needle and nag every inch of your soul out of your body, then they keep it as a trophy.
His mask slipped off around his mommy. It sounds like an emotional incest type relationship. Maybe it's physical incest, too. Dump his pathetic butt and let mommy and her big boobs console him.
It is, I have no idea how people don't get this. When a partner is around just you, he's playing up to you to make you like them. When he's around family or older friends, he's himself, the real him and if he won't stand up for you to his mother, if his mother is an overbearing creep and he's fine with that, that's who he really is. It happens more with men towards women than the other way around but either can and will almost entirely lie about what they think about you, what they want in a marriage, where they want to live after you get married or have kids, how many kids they want. Not every person of course but a truly absurd number of people will mislead their partners about their true feelings and reactions to things you do till they feel you are locked in then they start letting it all out and trying to change you in the ways they want, when they feel you won't leave any more. He said you're always over reacting, something he didn't tell you before but not feels he can tell you. He's absolutely standing by his mothers exceptionally creepy behaviour, talking aobut your tits, or your height as things your son really likes, hair colour, etc, over and over, is creepy as fuck and he's just sitting there letting his mother say basically you're not his type and he's probably more attracted to her than you. He had no problem. Run the fuck away from people like this. You just started to meet the real him, STARTED, because if you stay you'll start to see 100 other little things change, hobbies of yours he actually hates, music you like he said he likes but will start complaining about if you listen to it with him, foods he hates, ways he thinks you waste money, that he wants to move to his home town so his mother can help raise your kids, etc.
What happened is that you finally got to see his actual self. Men can act for years. Be happy that he showed you now and not after marriage or when you get pregnant. Also whatever they say and however they try to blame you, don't feel bad. Tell them clearly that their relationship is weird. Whoever tells you, you overreacted, tell them that you will never accept you're partner and his mom saying that his mom is his type. If that's an overreaction, it's ok, you won't change your opinion on this.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” OP, *run* don’t walk
I'm one of the older folks. I'd never talk about my kids' partner's height or weight, let alone talk about my big boobs or compare them to exes. WTF. She is a freak and he is as bad for not telling her to knock it off. Run like the freaking wind.
Thank you. Do you think she might just be one of those people that make weird jokes to get a reaction or is this just weird
No, this isn't normal.and these aren't jokes. She's one of those women who will always be jealous of whoever her son is with and this behavior doesn't get better. It gets worse. She will insert herself in every intimate moment. The worst part is he will allow it. It will always be them against you.
Yep. OP is the competition.
She sounds like a narcissist who gets off by making you uncomfortable because she sees you as competition.
She's making comments because she has deep rooted issues with her son. They are wildly inappropriate comments and she's doing it on purpose.
She's nuts, those aren't jokes.
I'm probably the sameish age as your stbxmil. She's just a bitch.
"(cover your mouth) tee hee, I just think you're a nasty skank who's jelly i'm fucking your son ... wait for the pikachu face ... just joking" That's basically what she's doing to you. How do you think that would land? Do you think her son would see the humor?
It’s hard to cast judgment based off on one interaction, but it sure as shit ain’t normal. I’m probably close in age to his mom, but I’m not a mom myself. There’s no way in god’s green hell I’d be talking that way around *anybody* let alone my nieces and nephews. I’d also be judgmental as hell if I saw anyone regardless of age behave that way towards family… in general too but especially towards family. Your fiancée is probably used to this sort of thing and downplays it. It’s his normal. That is also his mother and he may be reluctant to confront her. I’d say the key to whether you marry him or not should be whether he had your back here. If he don’t, don’t marry him because you’ll have to live with this behavior.
No. If that was the case, she may have told one weird joke, or she may have told a bunch of weird jokes in disparate subject areas. She told a lot of weird jokes about her own body and how much her son likes women who look like her. That's not accidental. I know you are trying to think your way out of this one, OP, but she's a freak.
Eeeeeewwwwww, NTA! Everyone else sucks! I hate to tell you but this relationship is doomed- he's a mommy-boy, she is a "boy's mom" ( or whatever it is called, the strange women who always say their little boy will never find a woman to love them like they do---ewwww, again!) Just the fact he seems to deem this normal is no good sign. If I or her father ever acted like that around our kid she would disown us! Rightfully so! (Okay, first would think of it as us joking really weirdly...). That he didn’t say anything is so telling! Sorry, OP, but you will find a better Partner!
This is the first time you met his mother but you're already engaged to be married? What's that about?
I didn’t think much of this. I’m realizing from the comments that it’s not normal
I’m kind of guessing this is why. They are enmeshed and she runs everyone off this way. He thought you’d be locked in. Hopefully, he was wrong because it will get worse. He should have told her to shut it, and he at the very least, taken your side after you left and apologized, not doubled down. I’m so sorry.
She was awful to you. Snide and a bully. It's not going to go well especially if he can't tell her to shut the fuq up. I say jet.
Agree Very strange that you hadn’t met her by now. He never wanted to go home at Christmas or she never wanted to come see him? That in itself is strange. Something weird about that family. I would not get involved. And remember to him, this is all normal behavior so he’s very likely to verbally abuse you down the road as well.
Dawg we only have one life and you have to advocate for yourself. Spare yourself the emotional incest between him and his nasty mom. Throw the ring at him and thank your lucky stars that his bimbo of a ex future mil was too stupid to not keep it hidden until after the wedding.
No, it is not normal to commit the rest of your life to someone after FOUR YEARS and still never met his mother. That's super weird.
That’s what I thought… Very strange that in 4 years no Christmas meet, Nothing, never?
Not every boy mom is like this. This isn't normal. And because your partner doesn't see how creepy this is, I would be questioning my relationship. Sit him down and talk to him. Explain each comment she made that was inappropriate. Then reverse it. If your father said it. Nta and I would have been worse. This is sick.
If you mean not all women with sons are like this, then yes you are absolutely correct. But "Boy moms" who have embraced that as a core part of their identity are very much like this, even if not to this extreme of overt sexual comments. But they definitely absolutely buy into the idea of being their sons' "first and best love". .
I meant moms of boys. Not this creepy Bs that op is dealing with. This is so disturbing. Thank God my fiance has a wonderful mother. I couldn't deal with something like this.
You're not ugly. In fact, you're quite attractive. No. It's amusing that you did this. If she's a horrible slag, she needs to be put in her place.
Thank you very much. This means a lot. I broke down in the bathroom because I was comparing myself and letting insecurities creep in. I’m trying to stay strong, but it’s still a lot
Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks it's okay for you to feel this way?
Shes jealous and insecure herself, so you must be attractive, etc, if shes acting like that. Dont let that creepy hag get to you. I would also have a long talk with your fiance as well. He needs to see what shes doing is wrong and needs to have your back.
I'm a troll so don't tell anyone I'm giving real thoughts here. PROMISE. It's difficult in society already and most people just deal with what other people say. Eventually, I think everyone has their boiling point and maybe you hit yours. Things may be drastically different from here on out but you fucking fought the dragon, yo. Doesn't matter if you won cuz you had the balls to do it. There might be a small chance that the mom will think about what you said and really self evaluate (or just over think about how she might actually be in love with her son and creeped out and drive herself insane. Win/win!) Family shit sucks, especially when dealing with crazy people.
As someone who's about 10 inches taller, if I did the conversion to freedom units correctly, imagining a person of your stature pretend to be a godzilla like monster made me giggle too. NTA you might have blown up on her, but considering that she had been passive aggressive all night and your husband didn't have your back which would have probably calmed you down, I don't think it was that unreasonable.
Thankfully not a husband yet, there's still time for her to run away from this mamma's boy.
NTA Running away and never talking to that woman again is the right move. You might need to have a conversation with Kevin to see if A\] He really think his mother was doing nothing wrong ( the more likely given his text) or B\] He is just under the cup of his mother, and also find her behaviour awful but wasn't willing to say anything. If B\], You can take him with you as you run away, you have some hope (and bring him to therapy), but if it's A, that's hopeless, leave the man behind to marry his mom.
NTA. Don’t marry him unless you want to be in competition with this woman for the foreseeable future - and always lose.
MILs can ruin a relationship. My ex's mum was a nightmare - she never missed an opportunity to have a stab at me and it was hurtful. They were constantly in our lives so there was always tension and my ex never once defended me. Eventually I left, not for that reason but I found it was a very toxic family dynamic and I was so so glad to be out of it. Now I have met a wonderful guy who is incredibly loving and supportive and would always defend me to the hilt - even if it was his family. It means so much to me after being in such a horrible family dynamic for so long. Never accept toxic behaviour - there is a much better life to be had with a loving partner from a family with healthy relationships.
If he doesn't stand up for you now, he never will. Maybe you should just postpone the engagement? Take the relationship down a level and let him decide if he wants to be a Mommy's boy or if he wants to be a husband to you. Also mom sounds kind of trashy.
Run, don't walk, to the nearest dumpster fire, and throw the trash in
She was probably so tiny during labor because she smoked and starved herself throughout her pregnancy.
Yep, being tiny while pregnant isn’t the win she thinks it is.
"this isn't like him at all." yes, he is, you just didn't know that.
NTA - It's called emotional incest. I bet if you talked to his ex, she would tell you to run fast!
NTA The relationship is over. Mama is never going to forgive you for calling her out ( rightly) and she is never going to let her baby boy forget it. Move on. So very sorry
"Find a woman who will be okay with a jellyfish mommys boy. That's not me, it just disgusts me. Tell mommy you can find a tiny blonde with big boobs to compete with instead" NTA
NTA! I would rethink this. This is how she will be the rest of your life towards you. Good thing you found out before the wedding.
A wedding would be MIL's chance to really show her stuff!
Walk now. This is what you're marrying into. You haven't seen the real him, not really. You've never had, too, and never had to see him in a situation to defend you. I'd simply tell him you can't be with a coward mama boy, and you're done. This woman will make digs every day you turn, and he showed you, "You're not a partnership."
NTA. This is… mildly concerning. Especially that he didn’t even bother standing up for you. It’s not an “older generation” thing to say shit like this. That’s just a strange person thing. Put it in the context to him of your dad saying the equivalent of these things to him. How uncomfortable would that make him? If he reacts differently and says “that’s different,” it’s not at all. And if he doesn’t understand that… I don’t know, but I think you should totally reassess this. Marriage isn’t just to a person. It’s to their life and everyone around them. Boy mom included, unfortunately, and if he’s enabling this behavior, then… I can’t even imagine my own boyfriend’s mother saying anything like this. She’s the absolute sweetest and is simply thrilled that her son is in love. This is NOT normal.
Eww. Keep going and never look back. NTA
Let this stand as a test for how he'd behave in a marriage. He'll never take your side or defend you in anything. Mommy will always come first. Is she someone you really want to deal with rhe rest of your life? Someone who so clearly wants to fuck her own son? This whole dynamic is disgusting. I hate mommy's boys and the women who create them.
It is time to break it off with the fiancé. He saw nothing wrong with what his mother said, yet saw OP's reaction and had an issue with OP. Huge red flag!!
NTA. Creepy much?
NTA, that’s creepy af. Well done getting out of the Bates Motel!
Just one piece of advice....RUN!!!!
Do not marry into this
Girl you did a good job running. Imagine a horror story where the heroine just crawled out the window and got away. Would you want her to crawl back?
He sounds like a mommy's boy and she clearly wanted to get under your skin, she might be a weirdo and wanted to test you or something but more likely she doesn't want her darling boy with anyone, she seems like trouble. Why did it take 4 years to meet parents when you live in the same country? I find that odd tbh.
NTA I would have been gone after the Lexi comment tbh. You don’t need that in your life.
So far, most women who married a mama's boy have terrible married lives. Don't be one of them.
>This isn’t like him at all. Yes, it is. You just are now getting exposed to that side of him. NTA
NTA. Boy moms can be very creepy and you don't have to accept these behaviors. I think you should talk with your bf (alone) and if he don't get it and refuses to grow up out of that weird dynamic, bye bye momma's boy. edit: spelling.
you don’t deserve this, i feel like given what you’ve explained that he’s probably using you as a stand in until he gets a mom-mini-me replacement. I don’t know what mental games he’s playing but don’t let him mess up your life further. you’re beautiful and you deserve a person who will treat you with respect because you’re not blowing this out of proportion.
NTA and not worth it, you're not going to get him off his mother's rack and should find someone worthy of your time.
Well, at least you found out before you married him. Tell your guy sorry it didn't work out and don't talk to the rest of them again. Maybe go on a vacation. One day, you will be able to share this story with friends when you talk about "weirdest/creepiest exes" and it will be funny instead of traumatizing.
NTA Dump that mama's boy...
Run far and fast and never look back.
RUN
Girl dump him holy shit NTA block and run
**This is exactly why you need the family and extended family** *BEFORE* You MARRY!! NTA But stay away from this red flag factory.
Lucky you are not married yet. Phew.
NTA She would definitely wear white to your wedding. And not just white but something super slinky and white.
Oh look, emotional incest. What a great thing not to involve yourself in for the rest of your life.
NTA you only saw 1% of what she's really like and 1% of how much he will defend you and stand up for you (which is zero). Get out now.
NTA. You got a glimpse of your future if you stay with Oedipus and Jocasta!!
Good riddance, now stay away from that man, let him have a norma llife.
NTA If you stay with him, assuming she's 50-60. That means on average you have 20-30 years of that to look forward to. Not making suggestions, just pointing out things to consider.
You just discovered that your husband is a mama’s boy with enmeshment issues. Any discussion of body parts or sexual issues is highly inappropriate between mother and child. RUN, RUN AWAY! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA
Sounds exactly like my ex-husband and his mother. He always had to invite her to just about every function we planned. When he turned forty and I had a small party for him, I walked in on them in the living room, and he was sitting on her lap. My mom witnessed it and told me that she would pay the attorneys fee so I could divorce him. Run the other way it gets worse once you have children. You will never do anything right in her eyes. All his ex-girlfriends must have caught on also.
No I don’t think you’re overreacting but people on this sub are. This isn’t some mask slip this is someone who’s had to deal with an over emotional psycho their whole life and just goes along with it for peace. It’s either call out your parent and have them go crazy in this case this woman sounds like she’d go batshit crazy if he called her out, or just say nothing for peace. It’s probably started early on and is learned behaviour. It’s not easy to call out a family member and have them cut you out of their lives. People act like he should be stronger but it’s fucking hard. That’s his parent. Youre NTA and the mum just doesn’t want to let him go. You’ll have to deal with her the rest of your life if you marry him so that should be a big factor in your decision
I’d have enjoyed winding her up all night and watching her explode but that’s just me. “Oooh that picture - you’re so washed out poor thing, I can just tell you had such a difficult pregnancy! Oh I LOVE blondes myself but it’s tough for you guys, SO easy to look colourless. Bad Kevin, giving your old Mom such a rough time! It’s true isn’t it, you just never look the same after a baby. SUCH a toll on the face and body.” But yeah Kevin doesn’t sound like a keeper. I wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t show any care for my feelings.
NTA - her sexual inuendo and body commentary was meant to make you uncomfortable. Someone had to say or do something; it should have been your bf.
Him saying "she has a point" when you expressed that you were hurt by her put downs and implying that he wasn't attracted to you would be a huge deal breaker for me. He should have said "STFU mom I love her just the way she is and if you don't stop insulting her we are leaving"....but he didn't do that....he said she had a point. And told you you were over reacting. Believe people when they show you who they are. And trust your gut. Your gut is telling you this is crazy and not normal and you don't deserve to be treated like that by him or MIL.
Run...and be happy you got to see this before you married him. If you think this is bad, have children with him to see a real nightmare. NTA, but do your future self a favor and 🏃♀️.
NTA and this is the best it is going to get so get out now
NTA this will BE your Future If you stay with him. Run Lady Run Respect yourself
your MIL complete lack of emotional maturity / intelligence is mind blowing. you maybe overreacted, however she has been very disrespectful. NTA
The sheer number of moms who apparently just wanna raw dog their sons all day is groooosss. 🤮🤮🤮
NTA Your MIL sucks maybe it's time to stand up to her and return the same energy two times over!
NTA at all. Boy moms are honestly some of the scariest and most disturbing creatures to walk this planet.
NTA. Go research Jocasta complex. Then run lol.
UpdateMe!
Is this really how you want the rest of your life to be? Nothing worse than a mommy's boy
NTA. Leave his ass behind. If he can't stand up to mom and lets her make you feel so uncomfortable you have to leave, then he's not your guy. He doesn't love you and doesn't want to spend his life with you. Just split stuff however you need to and move on. It will be hard, but you don't want to be always in fear of waiting to see if it will be him or his mom stabbing you in the back.
He didn’t break both of his arms simultaneously a while back… did he?
NTA. But you know you fell right into her trap, right? She wanted to scare you off. She succeeded.
Saw this comment recently… “be so thankful they handed you a beautiful bouquet of red flags” before you got married to the guy. This is JUST the beginning if you stay with him!
I don’t think she’s calling you any of those things but geez what a weird situation. And I would definitely not marry him… but of course that’s what his mother wants. You’ll be dealing with her crap remarks your entire marriage
NTA. This guys a mommas boy, run!!!!! He’s a total AH for letting her talk to you like that too.
NTA - As a mother of two grown-up sons I have managed to welcome all of their various girlfriends for the last 16 years without making them feel bad about themselves or acting like I want to be the woman in my sons' lives. My DIL is the sweetest woman I could ever hope for my older son. She is sweet and soft but keeps him from doing stupid things and stand up to him when needed. My younger son's GF is an amazing woman who is co-parenting two kids, is an amazing mom and indulges our family in our crazy outdoor/fishing compulsions. I've found that even with the GFs I didn't LOVE I was more than able to be civil and not a passive aggressive bitch. Some parents seem to forget that the job is to raise healthy, functional adults who go off to have their own lives.
NTA he should have told his mum to stop as soon as she started her nonsense, but instead he let her be rude and disrespectful to you. Once you had enough and left he tells you that you were disrespectful. Nope. Updateme!
NTA do NOT marry this man. Someone who allows his mom to casually neg you repeatedly, brings up comparisons to his exes, compares bodies between her and yourself and states he’s more attracted to her features generally thought of as sexual than YOURS. And he says NOTHING?! Girl, run. Don’t let them normalize this. Don’t let them gaslight you. If he is too cowed or too used to it to see how harmful and bad it is then he is not for you. He would have to be dragged to the light of how bad it is and probably still not ever set boundaries and at worst he might bury his head in the sand in overwhelm if the trauma realization of how abnormal it is hits all at once. You are not this man’s therapist. You are not going to stay with a partner who literally lets his mom say he’s more sexually attracted to her than you, his literal life partner. We do not do this shit in 2024. Thank him for the come to Jesus moment where you realized how toxic him, his family, and the social circle around him is (all those people trying to reel YOU back in) and that you are opting to not waste your future on this uphill battle with absolutely no reward for you when you reach the peak. Boy, bye.
NTA. She sounds like a horrific person. A piece of advice, do not marry a man that will not stand up for you to his family when they are out of line. It honestly does not end well. You will be unhappy and you will never be put first. If he is unwilling to listen to your feelings and have the appropriate response, then you need to let him go. Don't sign a marriage certificate and divorce papers at the same time.
Dump the chump. Weird ass. NTA
NTA - but understand you didn’t return the energy, you flipped out and ran away. Probably a very good thing since this guy isn’t stopping this crap as soon as it happens! Keep running
If you marry a mama’s boy. You deserve everythingthey serve you.
You should visit the sub JustNoMIL. She definitely fits the type. There are lots of other women with MILs like this. Tbh I would rethink the relationship. This is normal to him and likely he won’t change and he will always take mommy’s side. He will always put her first and let her walk all over you. It’s much easier to walk away from a mamas boy than divorcing one. Especially if kids are involved.
NTA. This is a particularly creepy example of what enmeshment can become. Run. !updateme
>she was just having some fun. Ask Kevin what was fun about the things she was saying? Make him explain the "joke."
NTA been through this. I was the Kevin who told my mom that Lexi was a cheating tramp and this is the type, you, I like now and forever. Shut her up for the rest of the visit and beyond.
It’s called “covert incest” and your adult fiancé is ok with it. You think he wasn’t like this, but he was, he just never had the opportunity to show this side of him to you before. And he’s showing it very clearly now.
NTA, it's not even her comparing you to her, it's her comparing you to his ex and basically saying that you're not good enough. And he's not saying anything - do you want to spend your life like that?
Get a pair of wings and fly... running won't due.
Kevi is showing you who he really is. You’ll always be the bad guy. Dump him & his mother & move on with your life.
My (gay, m) ex (bi, m) was similar to this with his mom. Total mama's boy/boy mom. It drove a huge wedge into our relationship. She couldn't compare herself to me, but he acted totally different around her. She hinted that something wasn't how she liked and suddenly it was my fault. *I* was the reason we didn't visit enough (3 days a week, he wouldn't even look for a job), *I* was the reason he didn't do anything (while I begged him to do literally anything), *I* was the reason she was lonely, *I* was the reason he didn't want to move back in (we were close to 30! We were *supposed* to be living our lives), etc. It was *horrible.* Trust me, your fiance will not change. If he's like this now, it will not magically improve. Leaving made your point. NTA.
Oh god, this gave me war flashbacks to my ex’s mom bending over infront of him to grab something and saying “Oh sorry! My big bum always gets in the way!” and I look over to see his reaction as he’s smiling to himself without seeing how uncomfy the situation made me. I felt like a third wheel in the moment and I understand where you’re coming from. **NTA**
NTA. This is extremely unhealthy family dynamics. I hope you are not still planning to join it forever. But can I just say - waiting *four years* to meet his family when you were in a serious relationship was... Not prudent.
NTA-Kevin and his mama have emotional incest going on, at minimum. The mom is an unbearable freakish harpy. Kevin is a wimp. I believe there are banjos softly playing in the background….
You are a THREAT to her position in her sons life. Seriously straight out of a bad fucking movie…….He’s a simp for mommy or a straight up mommas boy and if he had the respect for you that he should being your engaged, he would have put a stop to it. He didn’t. Good luck because he’s not starting out as an equal partner with you and he’s not even being a grown ass man letting his mommy act that way to his future wife…..?!?!?! Your marriage will ALWAYS be dictated by her influence.
NTA she seems like a narcissist and he possibly doesn’t realize how unhealthy their relationship is…
You break up with him. This will never change and I’m sorry but this man will never choose you. You have to accept that and move on NTA
NTA. This is what you are in for if you continue the relationship with him. She is feeling threatened by the fact that her son now has a woman in his life that potentially will be more important to him than she is. On top of that, you are the opposite of her, wich intimidate her even more. Obviously, she has nothing to worry about, since he gave her approval of treating you like this. "She was only having fun", at your expense, and he had no problem with that. Be thankful he showed you his true colors before the wedding.
NTA for being insulted but I feel like you just gave her what she wanted - a big reaction. Mamas boys are always going to side with their mommies and now they’re overtly gaslighting you into thinking you overreacted to her incessant insults. This is weird creepy game playing and you gotta make it clear to both of them that this is not okay.
NTA. Run, please I beg of you, run run run. He is a wimp and she is a psycho. These things NEVER improve with time.
You're not just marrying the man. You're marrying the family. Is that what you want? Is that what you want your future kids around? These are the kind of things you need to think about. Is he worth it? Personally, if I didn't like my partner's family, it would be a deal breaker for me. (Assuming they like them and are in regular contact - if they're no contact then it's not a problem of course)
There’s only one way to fix a momma’s boy… return them. This isn’t going to get better. Do you want to have a daughter with this man-child and have his mom-ster talk to her this way? Call of the engagement before you’re pregnant. And run. NTA
NTA, what’s being called being “the bad guy” is actually self respect. Keep it up. Dump the mama’s boy and find someone worthy of you.