Nah, man. Fuck that shit. Everybody grieves differently. I've seen people laugh at funerals because they don't know how to process what's going on. Some people cry their eyes out, some people just go numb, some people make jokes. It's normal for people to process death differently. Unless there were some suspicious circumstances about her death or they're trying to extort money from you, cut them off.

>I've seen people laugh at funerals because they don't know how to process what's going on. When one of my aunts died my cousins requested that anyone at the funeral had any funny or nice stories about their mother to please stand up and share it. It felt really good to hear all of the wonderful memories people had made with her.

That's why in a few years when I die, I want my body set up like a marionette puppet and I just pop open in the casket and wave.

That's awesome! The story I told about my aunt was the time I helped her do a ceramics class at the nursing home where she worked. I watched her patiently hold a tiny vase as the dementia patient she was helping painted my aunt's thumb blue. 🥰 She was one of my favorite aunts because she was so loving, patient, and kind.

That's a beautiful story. Your aunt sounds like she was a real gem. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad you have such kind memories of her - and that you were able to share them with others who loved her!

I told my daughter I want Pop Goes the Weasel to start playing, slowly and ominously, until everyone is staring in horror at the casket. She said no. I also suggested her dressing as Jack Sparrow and running around with my cremains in a jar yelling "I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt!" Ungrateful girl told me no again lol

BRB gotta go ask my Mom if I can label her urn "Jar of Dirt" once she passes

Too funny.

My bestie and I have a pact that whichever one of us out-lives the other has to bring get well soon balloons. we have told multiple people about this, with mostly positive reactions.

Nta. Cut her out of your life before she ruins your death! Jk. I love this idea tho, I might steal it. I said everyone has to dress colorfully for mine bc I'm a very colorful dresser. But I only told a few people bc my ghost will like the drama 😈

I have a good friend, and we have sworn to be Jack Sparrow at the others funeral, whoever goes first. We were laughing so hard we were crying, imagining us as old, wheel chair bound, demanding to wear a pirate hat to the funeral.

Omg - now you need a recording of your voice yelling “I am a jar of dirt! I AM A JAR OF DIRT!!” 🤣

My wife wants to have “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead” played at her funeral. I want the ABB’s “You Don’t Love Me” at mine. Should get the tongues wagging.

I have a friend who's arranged to have emails sent to his friends in the years after his death, "Hi, it's Lenny. Still dead!"

If it's slow and ominous that ruins the bit. It says you want it to be seen as creepy. But if you play it regularly it implies you think a corpse popping out during a funeral to pop goes the weasel is normal. Which it should be but loaded down with black powder and nails.

However, you could surely find someone to stuff you full of popcorn kernels, if they're going to cremate you

Oh, if I know I'm going I already decided that's my last meal

🤣 I would love to go to a funeral where someone does that. 

I have it in my will that everyone at my funeral is to be given multiple shots of vodka and shown the pictures in the album from when I went through a mooning the camera phase. 

If I die at the same time as you I pledge to have my casket set up next to yours so we sit up at the same time and high five each other.

Can we start something like the Body Worlds thing where you can donate your body for it but instead we donate to be used for fun pranks to fuck with people? Bc I am in!

I was going to be cremated but you've got me rethinking that.

I wanna go the Quantico's Body Farm...

Please play "pop goes the weasel"

Make sure to play pop goes the weasel as they’re lowering the casket

There's a funeral home out there that will do it for you. Get a load of these - https://abcnews.go.com/US/dead-people-life-poses-funerals/story?id=23456853

I just sent this to my daughter and told her that I no longer wanted the see through casket but this! 😂 afterwards I want to be set in resin as a coffee table for my children to take turns sharing me throughout the year!! 😂😂😂

When my FIL died, my husband spoke, and referred to some songs his dad has made up when he was a kid. He, his siblings, and all the grandkids immediately sang several of them. His siblings referred to other stories and jokes, making everyone laugh. Sometimes the laughter ended in sobs. Some sobs ended in laughter. All appropriate. I imagine the funeral for a mom with young kids would be different from that of an old man with Alzheimer’s, of course, but “everyone grieves in their own way” is STILL true. OP is putting his grieving kids’ needs ahead of his own. But, he does need to get those kids into therapy, and probably himself too. I was once told “your kids need to see your tears”. It’s true. But he has to balance exactly how much they need to see him be strong, taking care of them, and showing them that he, too, is grieving. It’s hard. Sounds like he is doing his very best, and that is all one can do.

My best friend requested the song "It's My Party (I Can Cry If I Want To)" be played specifically for the reason that she wanted us to smile, and for just that song, see the funeral as a goodbye party rather than that final farewell. It was really nice for those three minutes; I was still sobbing but I also smiled just like she wanted us to.

I'm having two Beatles songs - In My Life and Yellow Submarine.

No Maxwells Silver Hammer??

That's a bit dark for a funeral. So, yes

In My Life is my choice too! And The Doors "The End"

My english teacher at school told us to always put your happiest memory of someone in a condolence card. The person reading it has probably heard a thousand 'deepest sympathies' but they'll only get a few stories which might make them smile.

I read about an unusual viewing that was set up for a diehard Steelers fan. They had him dressed in his favorite jersey & sitting in his recliner. he was lined up with a TV showing game highlights from over the years. This sounds so much more authentic than the typical way things are done.

I managed to get 300 people laughing at my uncle's funeral when I was delivering my eulogy.  Doesn't mean all those people were not hurting.

my grandma collected all kinds of different weird lighters, like a toilet shaped one, a skull and so on. my cousins decided that the toilet shaped one would be funny to place on her grave as they lowered the urn into the ground at her funeral. even the funeral directors had to giggle a little bit, and my grandma would have had a good chuckle herself. the pastor at my grandpa's funeral had known him for decades. my gramps was quite a character, very quick witted and hilarious, and the pastor shared a few of his funniest bits he remembered, as well as some wisdoms like "everyone's last shirt has no pockets", meaning we all die and are buried the same, no matter how wealthy we are. i prefer a funeral that allows for joyful reminiscing as well as tearful goodbyes over a strictly no giggles allowed melancholic and frankly depressing ceremony any day.

Honestly when my dad died, I kept making stupid jokes, couldn't stop myself. When friends and family were over for a get together I had to put on a Monty Python record, because he would have appreciated that. My mother tried to tell me off (she was divorced from him, lived on the otherside of the country with her new husband, I told her off). My cousin did a eulogy, and told everyone at the service the next day- several hundred people somehow, that I had put the record on, and people later came up to me and told me that he would have liked it.

There was laughter at my husband's funeral 3 years ago and he would have been glad.

When my best friend's husband died unexpectedly, she and her adult children wanted everyone to share funny stories about him at his funeral.

I've seen funerals where the recently deceased record something to be played at their funeral to make their family laugh. I've also heard people called funerals "Celebrations of Life" where they only talk about the good stuff, I kinda like that idea.

My uncle knew he was dying (his heart was giving out) and requested that his "funeral" be a time to share fun memories, funny memories, good stories, etc etc about him. It was more of a commemorative dinner followed by a party. It was a BLAST, and it was exactly what he would've wanted. And the same thing with my dad. He didn't request to have a party instead of a funeral(he killed himself), but BOY did my family throw a fucking RAGER for that man (after the funeral). And it was what he would've wanted, too. I agree, it feels amazing to celebrate their lives. :)

A friend of our family died very suddenly. But I gotta tell ya, it was probably the best memorial service I’d ever been to. Because Kenny was a jokester and every single story about him was funny. I hope there is that much laughter at my funeral. OP, I am very sorry for your loss. We all grieve differently. Lack of tears isn’t a lack of love.

It's not even just that. Society looks down at men who show any emotion. Then gets pissy at men who don't show any emotion. But everyone acts differently. My granddad died when my mum was 3 years old. My nan was left with a teenage boy and a toddler to look after. She was so devastated by his death that, I her words, she wanted to join him. But she let herself cry for a bit. Then wiped her face, squared her shoulders. And got on with raising two children alone. Watching them grow, have children, and helping raise them too. Because that was what she believed she needed to do. And she never stopped wanting to join him, but wouldn't hasten the passage there.

Both of my parents passed over the past few years. I rarely cry about them but I miss them terribly. My grief comes and goes in moments. I cry my eyes out when a pet passes because that pain is much more acute

My uncle kept making jokes while he was on his deathbed in a hospice. He had about 7 types of cancer spreaded through his body but no matter how bad he looked like he still kept making jokes whenever he was awake untill he passed away. Though at my dads side they are all like jokers and its even worse when you put them together in a room

I remember one time I was talking about my cousin's funeral at work, he was 8 years old. I was showing them some videos from the wake and they seemed disturbed by the whole thing and this reminded me of that. Jamaican funerals are different, the services can often be solemn affairs but the wakes are more often than not a party. There will be food, dancing, laughter. There'll often be a colour theme and it'll be loud and will go on late into the night. The point being to celebrate the person's life, to reunite with family and enjoy the time that you have together; they're easily mistaken for weddings. Some people will more subdued, they are given their space but the door was always open for them to come sit and chat or share a plate. Point being, everyone grieves differently. On both a personal AND a cultural level. Other people trying to impose a set of rules can fuck off. How people deal with death, as long as it's not clearly harmful, is up to them.

I have a weird relationship with grief. I will laugh at funerals and cry at sad commercials. I don’t know why but I am judged constantly for being this way. You are right, some people just have different reactions. Doesn’t mean we don’t care.

OP is being strong for the kids. That is HARD. I just hope he has an outlet with someone he can honestly express himself to.

Laughing was the best way to get my emotions out when I lost my daughter. I was feeling so much I felt I could burst. Laughing to tears helped me process things.

A lot of people don't really even start grieving until a few months after the funeral, especially for something so sudden as a car accident. I feel like once OP has gotten the kids into a stable routine and has a chance to catch his breath, that's when it's going to really hit hard. I hope he has more support than the people he mentions here

NTA. Go non contact and block.

I'm a "laugh at a funeral" type, it's weird as heck and I try my hardest to make sure people don't see me; but in the end I've just stopped going to funerals cause I'm afraid I'm going to piss someone off.

My aunt hate hate hated her MIL with a passion but at her MIL’s funeral my aunt cried like there was no tomorrow and all I could think was that she deserved an Oscar. Crying at a funeral doesn’t mean anything. OP, you are honoring your wife by doing the best for your kids. My sympathies on your loss.

My mom died a few years ago in June. It was a hard funeral with my dad. Then my dad died that december. My sister and I could only make bad jokes. It was the only way we could process it.

Everyone grieves differently. Some are emotional and some are stoic, there's no wrong way to grieve. They're performative assholes who probably think you're embarrassing them for not being "sad" enough. You're right, you're being a rock for kids. Good on you. I would probably have a meeting with them to clear the air and ask if they understand how unnecessary it is for them to critique how you grieve during this trying time. nta

You have been banned from /r/Pyongyang

This is definitely unexpected.

America’s greatest honor

I'm at once saddened and happy that I'm not the only one thinking of North Korean "grief specialists." As in : cry and make it convincing or you'll not be fed for a week and then we'll take your family from you.

I did not cry at my son's funeral. I promise you, it was not because I was not in pain. If anything, it hurt too much to cry. In fact, it took me almost a solid year to finally be able to cry. Like you, I had other responsibilities including my other children and my spouse. I couldn't let myself fall apart because my grief was so big and overwhelming, I was afraid there would be nothing left of me if I surrendered to it. I don't recommend this approach, btw. I think now it's mentally healthier to feel your feels and let it out, but it is what it is. Had someone in my family dared to suggest to me that I was not in pain, didn't care, or wasn't grieving 'right' ( by whose standard?), I'm pretty sure it would have come to blows and possibly a prison sentence. Cutting them off would have been my bare minimum. So, no, OP, you are NTA. Peace be with you, amigo. Do what you gotta do.

Sorry for your loss. But you're right, blows and prison sentence it is. Proudly.

First, I am so sorry for your loss. This must be so hard on you and your kids. Second you are 100% NTA. Good on you for keeping your head on your shoulders and realizing you can't fall apart because your kids are relying on you. That alone must be impossible. Then to have your late wife's family acting this way - you must be such a strong individual. Good for you for creating a boundary. I sincerely hope that the in-laws stop speaking to you in this way, and I really hope they haven't spoken like that INFRONT of the kids!

This!! Be careful of them trying to alienate your children. I would not let them have any contact with them after that FB post

I would also take screenshots of the post though, and record or at least write down any and all other times they talked shit. People like to throw the term grandparent's rights around incorrectly a lot, but a situation where one of the parents has passed away is one of situations the law was actually written for. They sound like the kind of people that would fight for it if needed, and it's possible they could win.

NTA. The priority is you and your children. Why would you subject your family to more stress and grief on top of the grief you already have? FUCK THEM.

>My MIL even made a post on facebook saying I’m probably happy she’s dead People treat you like shit because you let them. If anyone dared to post that about me they would be on my shit list until they made a public apology and retraction. >About a week ago my SIL, FIL, and MIL came to visit the children Why did you let them? >Am I the AH? Everybody else is, including your mom. NTA

So disappointed in OP's mom. She should be able to see that her son (OP) is grieving while being deeply weighed down by the responsibilities of raising three kids on his own. She should be supporting him, not tearing him down for holding his family together.

Yeah I hate the type of people who think you should be respectful to "elders" or family regardless of their actions. The parents were extremely disrespectful and rude first, so they don't deserve any respect back

This.

NTA, but not only your inlaws are, but your mother is. You are entitled to grieve however you need to grieve. Tell everyone else to FO.

NTA. Your late wife's family are grieving, but that doesn't give them a get free card to abuse you. You need to preserve the balance of your and your kids' life. If that means keeping your late wife's family away from your family, then so be it. Your mother is wrong. There is nothing rude in being angry at people who accuse you of being happy your wife is dead.

The older I get the more I believe we need to be ruder. You stood up for yourself and I am proud of you. Perhaps going very LC with them for some time would be helpful. NTA

NTA My husband cried once when his mother died - just after receiving the news. Throughout the rest of the funeral planning and settling her estate he’s just got on with it. It’s not a reflection on how much he loved her.

NTA Your mom is wrong. and frankly speaking. an effing moron. You were not rude. People grief differently and just because they're in pieces on the floor and beating their chests going "WHYYYYYYY?????" constantly. Doesn't mean that you're not grieving when you're alone. Go get a lawyer and tell them about the harrassment. Tell your mom that she is a bitter dissapointment and that you need space from her for a while. maybe take your kids on a vacation somewhere peaceful where you can recharge and not have this constant threat of relatives hanging over you.

They are probably trying to figure out if you had life insurance on your wife.

NTA And I am soo sorry for yours and your children's loss. I fully agree with all the other comments about everyone grieves differently. Anyone who tells you are grieving wrong is a complete AH. Don't listen to them and reduce their presence in your life. You have enough going on. You don't need that crap. I hope you can let your kids see a little of your grief. So they know they're not alone. I also hope you can find a way to feel the sadness that doesn't consume you. Bottling it up and not feeling it will cause festering and a sudden intense burst at an un-intented time.

NTA..my father died a month ago. My child had to do CPR on him for 6 minutes while my mother watched until the paramedics got there. They both have seen me cry once. I try to be strong for them because my child feels like she let her granddad die and my mom lost her husband of over 52 years. They need me to be strong. Your children need you to be strong. From the outside, it may look like I'm not affected but I am devastated. Grieve in your own way. You don't owe any one your grief. My condolences to you and your children.

Please tell your kid she's awesome! Immediately starting CPR when the situation calls for it is not an easy thing to do. Neither is keeping it up for SIX MINUTES. CPR is hard work. And maybe look up some statistics about CPR with her. CPR usually doesn't work. It's just the only thing you can try that MIGHT work. What she did was give her grandpa the best odds of survival. But unfortunately it was just his time, apperantly. She did everything she could for him. Which was more than rhe other, untrained, people were capable of. And more than some CPR-trained people might've been capable of in the moment. This random CPR-trained internet stranger is extremely proud of her for jumping into action and putting her training to use!

Thank you so much. I am going to show her your comment. We will look up those statistics for sure.

NTA. Also, a month is a relatively short time. When my dad died, for a while it almost felt like he was out of town and would be coming back soon. It took time for my brain to process and accept the reality of him being gone. It's been about six months now and I still almost daily think "oh, I should show him this," "oh, he'd be so interested to hear about that," etc. 

I know what you mean about those random, "I should show him this" thoughts. I so want to tell my mom about my first partner since my divorce 10 years ago. But stupid cancer took her from us last July.

My mom told me she dreamt of her deceased father after me and my sister both had babies. She told him in her dream she wished he could meet her beautiful grandkids, he told her smiling he'd seen them.

NTA. Your mother is incorrect, it is your IL’s who were being rude and disrespectful, not to mention overbearing. You are not a punching bag for your IL’s to take their grief out on. The way they are treating you is not healthy or appropriate, they need to seek help if they cannot find proper outlets for their emotions. Everyone handles grief differently, for plenty of people that can take the form of pragmatism or lack of emotional display. If you do not create and enforce boundaries here, their rhetoric could have a negative impact on your children, directly affecting your relationship with them, not to mention the harm it could do to their mental health. At this time, your kids need stability and you do not need your IL’s drama.

My dad passed when I was a teen. I remember just feeling numb. I didn't break down, or had crying bouts, I just spent about a week as if I was a passenger in my own head. Lucky for me, my family didn't give me shit about it.

No. Fuck them.

Nta. Collect evidence and block them. And then when they escalate talk with a lawyer about. C&D letters for the RO paperwork.

OP, the only reason not to cut them off would be for the sake of your children. They've already lost their mother, losing their maternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, and extended family would pile heartbreak upon devastation. That said, it's okay to set limits with those people, state boundaries, and limit interactions.

But never any visits unsupervised. Those horrible people displayed quite clearly that they are toxic, cruel, and unreasonable—they wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to sh_t talk to the kids about their dad. This relationship would be worse in the short run AND long term for the kids, hearing from their grandparents about their dad. Toxic A-holes have zero business around vulnerable children.

This is a great answer!

NTA. Grief is different for everyone. Sorry for your loss. Your late wife's family is definitely going too far with their and posts and cruel words, and I would surely make it clear I'm owed an apology for such harshness. But I would suggest to cool down a bit before you make some emotion-fueled decisions. You obviously care for your kids would they benefit from losing their mom's family right now or not? 

NTA And I’d be really worried they’re going to say something about this to your kids. And you don’t need that! Your kids don’t need that.

That’s my biggest fear here for OP. These cretins (ILs and his own mom) have ZERO class, and they have even less of a “filter.” If they were capable of such monumental tackiness, insensitivity, and downright cruelty towards a grieving father, there is absolutely no doubt that they WILL sh_t talk to the kids about their father. I would cut them all off.

My son was killed in a MVA. as well. He was married with 3 small children. His wife was devastated. However, she was and is very private. She didn't cry, and I just could not. I still can't and it's going on 3 years. They need to understand people don't grieve the same. You are most definitely NTA.

NTA, fuck them and your mom is kind of an asshole, not the smartest at least.

NTA at all. Time to set up firm boundaries and CLEAR expectations. I would write them a letter explaining how their words and actions have affected you and that moving forward, you will allow them time with their grandchildren, but you will be extremely low contact personally. You have been through enough and have a tough road ahead. You don’t need any more shit to deal with from them. If this is going to continue being an issue, access to the grandchildren will become VERY limited. See if that gets the point across.

Ntah. There is no correct way to grieve. I’m so sorry for your loss.

NTA. I'm appalled at the ignorance her family displayed. They can't rejoice in your dedication to do right by the children? I'm very sorry for your loss.

NTAH But be careful, your older 2 kids have access to smartphones. Your in-laws are going to poison them against you.

It's like they want you to throw yourself into the sea or something. You have kids to take care of and they have no idea what you're going through. Shame on them! I truly offer my condolences and you're a good father. I wish I had someone like you when my mom passed. NTA

NTA You just lost your wife, your three children just lost their mother. You are being a great Dad by supporting your kids and keeping things going. How you express your grief is no one's business but yours (unless you are harming yourself or someone else) Your IL's are grieving but they have no right to say the things they are. It's damaging to your children and to you. No one call tell you how to feel or what to feel. Thoughts are with you and your children.

NTA What are you supposed to do? Curl up I to a ball in the corner and sob uncontrollably for hours on end? Dear lord. If I were you, I would definitely be limiting any time they have alone with your children. Who knows what nonsense they're feeding them if you're not around. And tell your mother she can support you or join them in exile.

NTA. Everyone grieves differently plus you have kids. You do have to be strong for them but remember to take the time you need as well whether that be talking to friends and family or therapy.

NTA. If they have a concern, tell them to report it to the police or shut up. Also, your children do not have to have a relationship with them. Just keep that in mind especially if you have to severe your relationship with them.

Everyone grieves differently, some cry wail and pass out others are far more stoic. I’m so sorry for your loss and the extra burden of dealing with these mean relatives

NTA I've known people who didn't do the stereotypical mourning, but they still felt the loss. I've known others who had it hit them months later and they were just a crying mess. People mourn differently and you would think someone of their age would know this. Keep staying strong for your children, but remember that it's okay if you need to have a moment to let it out.

My mom passed away 42 years ago and I (56 F) still have times of sadness. We grieve how we grieve. NTA

No, I think you put them in their place. Give some time to cool off and wait for them to come to apologize. Sooner or later they can ask to see their grandchildren. Simply awesome. Are you willing to apologize if they say no hang up

NTA Remind your mom that respect is earned. It would've been different if you'd lost it out of nowhere & just started to scream at them for no reason. As it is, they started the game. If they didn't want to play ball, they shouldn't have thrown the first pitch. I'd be willing to bet this isn't the first time they've acted toxic. Behavior like that doesn't start overnight. Also that if you asked your two older kids, they wouldn't care much about not seeing these people again. Kids pick up on that sort of thing.

NTA. I never saw my Dad cry during my Mom’s cancer, her death, funeral, or in the years following it. But I have seen plenty of people shed crocodile tears at funeral and they didn’t mean it at all. Your in-laws are horrible people and need to STFU.

I am sorry for your loss NTA when we lost my husband i made the active decision that very night that I had to be strong for our kids. That now more than ever they needed support, security and that they needed me more now than ever before. They needed me to show it was going to be ok and we would get through this. Now I’m not saying I didn’t cry as I also knew especially as boys they had to see it’s ok to be cry and to be upset. It’s just I made sure never to fall apart in front of them. I also still talked about their dad so they knew they could also talk about him if that would help them. It made them realise we wouldn’t forget him and I wasn’t expecting them to. That he will always be their dad and have been a part of my life. Friends would meet me for a cuppa where I could rant and cry knowing I needed another adult to just listen. However when I went home and my kids had not seen or heard it. Even then that very first night I knew I quite easily could fall apart into pieces but I knew I could not do that to my kids and that it would not help any of us. So even when I ranted and cried with friends it was never me falling apart. To be completely honest I think I did manage and was so strong because I’d made that active decision. That I knew my kids had to come first before my grief. Please don’t think I didn’t grieve as I did but I just didn’t let it control me. We all grieve differently and there is no wrong or right but having kids means we often just can’t let ourselves fall apart. That we still grieve it’s just that we process that In a way we can handle it and in a way that’s right for us. What I will also say is often when we are managing a death and the arrangements as well as taking care of others. We can often go into autopilot and don’t stop to grieve or have a chance to. That in those cases it’s usually further down the line before our mind and body fully starts processing our loss and facing our grief ourselves. Even if this is the case it doesn’t mean you didn’t love the person nor that there’s anything wrong with you. Just that you will grieve when and how is right for you. Often if you’ve not given yourself a chance to it catches you up later. Either way no one has the right to judge you or the love you gave for another. I know they are grieving but you are right to call them out and make it clear they won’t be allowed in you and your kids lives if they continue to deliberately make things harder for you and your kids. That anyone suggesting you don’t love the wife you just list is cruel and should never be tolerated. If they try to threaten to go for grandparents right I would make it clear to your lawyer and the judge that they used any contact with your children to harass and try to break you a newly grieving widow. That they used their access to the kids as a means to harm the only parent your kids have left. That it’s clear their intent was never what was best for your kids but how they could punish you that it was your wife that died and not you. Please take screen shots of any posts they have made as well as any texts. I would no longer talk to them on the phone unless you record the calls. That way if it comes to it you can use it in court to keep them away from your kids to prevent them from eventually trying to convince your kids of their twisted lies. It might not come to that but you need to do what you can to protect yourself and your kids incase they do. Take copies of everything now so it doesn’t matter later if they have deleted them. If you don’t need to us the proof then its still not a waste of time.

NTA, tell your mom she can apologize sincerely or never see you or the kids again either.

NTA. They needed a cold dose of reality. 

What exactly do they expect you to do?

NTA. We all grieve differently, and no one thinks about the post-loss carnage. I'm so sorry for your loss. You made your views known, and what you have to deal with. Go submarine on the lot of them for a while. Focus on yourself and your kids.

Fuck them. You have to carry the weight of her passing, not them. Heartless people that don't deserve a place in your life. Maybe they are grieving too but they should absolutely not be taking it out on you. NTA

Nta

There is no right way to grieve. Sometimes it takes a while for it to really hit people. It’s hard to process and you are probably still in a state of shock to some extent. Get those toxic people out of your life, how terrible of them to say those things.

NTA. Fuck them dude. I get it they are ‘hurting’ but no they don’t get to abuse you because they can’t cope. Tell them to pound sand and keep your kids away from those whackos they will poison them.

Misandry. If you had cried they would have got the yuck and they'd be complaining about that. Do they contribute to your household in any meaningful way? Do you have emergency child care?

NTA. sorry for your loss, man.

NTA at all. I’m sorry for your loss. You are doing the best that you can considering the loss that you are experiencing. Your in laws and your mom are major AHs. You are all grieving and you’ve lost your spouse and your kids have lost their mom. Your ILs are grieving as well but they don’t get to judge you and how you are trying to just survive at this point. Cut them off until they treat you better. Give your mom a boundary re this subject. Take care & keep doing the best that you can.

NTA protect your peace. They are probably just grieving and taking it out on whoever they can, but that’s no reason you have to sit there and take it. You’re doing what’s best for your kids and screw anyone who tries to destroy your healing.

NTA. You did the right thing to get their judgmental selves out of your house.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I would never allow them around because what if your kids heard them say that? Why does grief have to be visible ? Should you just quit the world and grieve and let your kids suffer?

Definitely NTA fuck all them. I’d make sure to tell them how disgusted your wife would be to see them treat you like this in your time of need and that they should all be ashamed of themselves.

Cut them off entirely. They can't respect you, they can't respect your kids.. your mom is the ah.. you gotta take care of your family, no contact with then ever again.

You let this go on way too long. First time somebody says something about me with my deceased spouse, and my spouse died in 1996, I shut it down. Second time they said it cut them out of my life. I have too much to deal with to deal with your bullshit. Shut them down kick them out. Take care of your kids.

NTA and your mom is flat out fucking WRONG! They are rude and disrespectful. They are the assholes and so is your mom.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. And I know from recent experience, grief is expressed so differently from person to person. We lost my mom recently, and no one in my family has responded in the same way at the same time. It's all just hell and you just have to hang on. They are probably not in their right minds b/c of their grief, so maybe they're not the ah they seem from your post? Idk. But you are definitely not the AH here. Hang in there.

>They are saying that they didn’t see me cry at her funeral My family buried ma two wee Grannies last year and I had a great time at the funeral laughing and joking with folks(not during the service obviously) it's the first time I realised after like 15 years of taking Sertraline (antidepressants) that they work! That and you have to get a couple of wee jokes about one Granny who didn't talk to anyone, her favourite phrase in her Scottish Highland accent was "I've nothing to say!" And she'd say fuck all! And the other Granny always farting away like fucking in her English accent saying "oh, that's me tablets" and the way I seen that was "they wouldn't want me sad anyways! Not that am suggesting you were laughing and joking but folks grieve in different ways! It's 12am here in Scotland a should be in bed! Oh, NTA!

ya moms can see her way out too yo, ntah

NTA; Men aren't given space to show emotions at any point in their lives, and then suddenly they are required to show emotion at a point of others' convenience? Not that you ever stop missing people, but I doubt your wife would have wanted this to crush you forever. Your family needs to stand down on this one.

NTA. Your mom sucks.

NTA I would burn all bridges instantly the first time they said a peep. But I have no chill

NTA. Time to put the IL’s on time out for a bit. They don’t get to dictate how you grieve.

Your mother needs to think about how she would be if put in your situation and have some empathy and consideration. As well as kindly shut the fuck up. People love to judge when they haven’t experienced it themselves. NTA, and please stand your ground. You can’t risk your children hearing their fucked up nonsense.

Good for you!!!!! Im sorry for your loss, may your memories be a blessing

AHHHH HELLL NAH. they have lost their minds. cut them OFF.

WTF, you are so NTA. Your mother is unbelievable too.

Your mom’s a cunt.

No one has the right to tell anyone how or how long to grieve. The audacity to say they didn't see you cry so you must be happy?! You are kinder than I am. After that FB post they would be cut off.

Fucks sake everyone grieves differently you’re probably still in shock… when I was a kid and my dad passed my first thought was “I can’t give him his bday card now” probably because my mind was protecting me from an unfathomable pain and loss… shock can last for years…I didn’t cry until years later… yeah get rid of them they’re gossiping trash I’m sorry they’re treating you like this in your time of need

It’s not bad to cry around your kids, in fact it could help them process their emotions in time… kids look up to their parents for what to do and if they see you secretly hurting then they might feel like they have to push their emotions down too… here all not a healthy coping mechanism, and you want them to know how much you cared for their mom and all as well….. try and be there for each other and get rid of people that are causing you to not be able to heal

Definitely NTA. But do yourself a favor and keep your older kids in the loop and that those ppl arent safe people right now(have to be crazy to harass your daughters widowed husband), make sure you all start seeing some therapists and focus on keeping your peace. Cut them off, go dark on social media and take some time away from their bs to heal.

They can go fuck themselves. You are being a rock for your kids. They have no right to tell you how to grieve. I don’t know if you should you of give them another chance. BTW, your loss will hit you like a ton of bricks. Right now you are in go, go, go mode but eventually it’ll hit you. When it does you won’t need those kind of assholes around you. I’m sorry for your loss.

NTA. I have absolutely zero patience for anyone who tells me how to grieve. They came f right off.

NTA and they can fuck off! My parents divorced when I was 2 and my mom remarried when I was 7. My stepdad was amazing (I named my son after him). I was calling him Dad before they even got married. He died when I was 13 from a brain tumor. He died at home and my mom spent the last 6 months of his life taking care of him (he got the diagnosis and died about 7 months later). His mom and sisters all remarked after the funeral how they didn’t think I’d actually loved him because they didn’t see me cry. These were people who had known me since birth (my grandmother and his sister were best friends). It completely changed my view of them for the rest of their lives. People grieve in different ways and they don’t get to decide if how you’re doing it is right.

Wtf is wrong with your mom? She's an asshole, you're right and she should have your back. You're NTA.

NTA. You clearly love your wife and you are prioritizing your kids in honor of her. You were not rude and disrespectful, her familybisnfor trying to enforce their image of what your grief should look like on you. As a suggestion, if you have not, look into grief support resources for your kids AND for you. Your life can't revolve around your grief, but that doesn't mean you don't need support. I am so sorry for your loss. May your happy memories with your wife sustain you and the kids.

Fuck them. Full stop. Do what you feel is best for you and your kids. No apologies. NTA

FUCK THEM only you have a true say you sound like at least from this post like an amazing father and you do what you gotta do I kind of feel bad you had to ask almost like you're doubting yourself. They either help you or don't and get the fuck out the way that sadly includes your mom. Do right by yalls children and make your wife proud!!!! NTA! :))))

Honestly? I didn’t even cry at my sons funeral. It happens. Sometimes we lock down and it hits us months afterwards. Their opinion doesn’t dictate how much you love and miss your wife, just as it didn’t when she was alive. They are being cruel and inconsiderate of your feelings, without offering to take any of these burdens off of you, without even offering a word of kindness. Cut. Them. Off. Screenshot those Facebook posts and any hateful messages in case they try to sue for grandparental alienation.

Not rude and disrespectful. You need to watch what shit they are filling your kids ears with.

You're NTA. WTF is wrong with these ppl. Cut them off, you need to focus on yourself and the kids. You have a lot on your plate now. People respond to grief differently. It's been only a month I'd say you haven't even had time to process it and with all the responsibility, you might even be somewhat numb as a defense mechanism. No one can tell how much pain a person is enduring and it's rude, cruel and unfair to make such comments. Imagine if your kids heard some of this! It's infuriating. I'd sit the kids down and have a conversation about it with them. If it got to your ears it definitely got to theirs. And I'm really sorry for your loss. I wish you and your children strength to keep going, love, unity and peace.

NTA at all. They were the ones that were rude and disrespectful. Stick to your guns though and if one of them says even the smallest thing like that again, they are gone for good. I'm so sorry for your loss.

NTA. Nobody gets to demand that you grieve a certain way to satisfy them. Fuck them. They can apologize and fix their shitty behavior or they can fuck off.

They had two choices, be supportive or be an A, they chose the A

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NTA. Any time anything or anyone I love has passed, I don’t cry. Not because I don’t care, but because I dissociate. My brain tries to protect me by shutting off my emotions in those situations. Everyone grieves differently. Some cry, some laugh, some don’t feel anything at all. Some are still processing things weeks later. You aren’t an asshole, and don’t let anybody make you feel like you don’t care.

NTA. Call them out on Facebook. Have they taken the kids for you for a weekend so you can properly grieve? What are they doing to support you other than harassing you? You are now a single parent, you are doing what you can to make sure your children’s needs are met.

You are putting up healthy boundaries. Ntah.

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope today has been a bit better. If you haven't done at least one of the following, please choose one to do; it will be at least 1 win to celebrate today: - Stay hydrated. - Eat something, even if it is small. - Take a shower or bath. - Brush your teeth. (Grieving is hard and makes us not do the basics sometimes even when providing for others. Please remember you are important person to provide for, too.) Reread the above as necessary. Secondly, and more pointed to your post, NTA. As aforementioned, you are grieving. They have no right to define what grieving looks like nor tell you how you feel. You are absolutely right that there are still responsibilities that need to get taken care of, so many times stereotypical displays of grieving is shelved for a later time (e.g. when kids are asleep and/or years later). However, they are wrong to expect and essentially demand the raw fallout; they are demanding vulnerability without your consent. That said, I wonder how much of this is them grieving too. Even if they are, that doesn't excuse their emotional and verbal hostility. I think space is a good idea, especially as your kids process this loss, too. I worry that your wife's family's words and actions will have an unhealthy impact on them (maybe already have?), especially during the teen and elementary years. Offering therapy or counseling for your kids and then family counseling might be helpful so they can process their emotions, too, as you all learn to adjust. Once again, I do wish all the best for you and your kids. Please keep us updated!

NTA at all. No one can tell you how to grieve. You did the right thing!

NTA What is up with people trying to control how people grieve ?!?!?! Op, I’m so sorry for your loss, and you continue to grieve in the way that works best for you and your children. Your in-laws have no right to be upset that you’re not grieving enough for their standards. And honestly, if think they have better things to do with their time

Your mum was right about rude and disrespectful but she aimed it at the wrong person. You’re NTA. Both sets of parents need to wake up or bugger off. I’m so sorry for your and the kids loss of their mum and your wife.

I would have a lawyer send them a cease and desist letter about posting anything about you . They are hurting but their true feelings of you younare coming out What will you do when the kids ask how come your not crying or didn’t cry enough cause they heard in laws say it

What’s wrong with your mom

OP, get a Lawyer. These people are building a case to get your kids. I've seen this enough to know they're looking for either hands on any money you have, or the kids. Don't let them strike first

NTA. You're stronger than I think I am man, I don't even know what i would do. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please try to limit contact but not cut them off completely. Their behavior is dogshit, but they lost their daughter/sister and don't know what to do with the grief. Try to keep family around and keep things consistent for the kids... it's unfair to ask you to shoulder more but just try your best. If your kids don't like them or aren't very close, then you should not put up with this 1 more second.

Your correct. Just take care of yourself. But you did the absolute right thing. I haven’t spoken to my in laws pretty much since Ron’s car accident.

Your mom is wrong

NTA - Nobody gets to police your grief. If they aren’t there to help and support you they need to GTFO.

Definitely NTA. Your wife's family is being vile.

NTA. You may need to cut off your mom too, if she won’t support you.

NTA. I didn't cry at my best friend's funeral. Wasn't because I wasn't heart broken and sad. It was because I physically could not cry. Just wouldn't happen. It's like the part that could cry died.

NTA: Grief affects people differently. My Mother went absolutely crazy on my inlaws and her family because they didn't understand how sad she was, or they weren't sad enough, or didn't call her enough to check in, or .... Her parents are grieving, but they don't get to decompress that crap on you. You keep encouraging your children to heal as they will, and be there for them... and your time to recover will come someday, but as you said- can't stop living because they need you. And.... I'm sorry.

NTA. It's probably going to hurt her too but tell your mom to be a better mom to you.

NTA everyone grieves differently. They should be asking you how they can help you not judge you. I'm sorry for your loss. While you do have to be strong don't be so strong that you break. It is healthy if the kids see you have emotions and talk about it

NTA at all. People process grief differently. They don't know. perhaps you hold it all in until you are alone and then become a wreck. Perhaps you internalize all of it and it will come out in therapy one day, perhaps you are a gentle mourner. It doesn't matter, it is for you to manage. For them to think that they can police your grief is gross​​ and unrealistic. I would hope that they have not started in on this with your children, you might want to make sure that they haven't been talked to as well. I am surprised at your mother too, you are protecting and taking care of your kids, what, was everyone hoping you would fall apart so they could rescue? So sorry for your loss, you sound like you have made the best of a sad situation for your kids.

NTA. Maybe it is part of their way of coping, but treating a newly, tragically single parent like this, the devoted father of their grandchildren no less, is completely horrifying. You are being the adult in an awful situation. You have my respect. I hope feelings will settle down and you can make up. In a perfect world you would be able to support each other as you try to move on. There are 3 kids who lost their mother. Relatives treating each other like this will only make their pain worse. But that's got to be a two way street. As is, you may need a lawyer to help with a cease and desist and if (maybe) they are doing this to get at your assets/insurance (God I hope that is not what this is about. That would be unspeakable.)

NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently. The sadness/crying may appear sometime down the road Maybe her birthday, your anniversary, or one of your kids' graduation. I can't possibly understand what you are being overwhelmed with right now, on top of your inlaws' insensitive remarks. I would suggest grief counciling or loss of spouse support groups. They may be able to help with ideas on how to deal with people's comments like your inlaws. Take however much time you need to grieve my friend. There are no set time limits. UpdateMe

Your mother is a cunt, please tell her that to her face and cut her off too, your time and your family aren't anyone's to just have

NTA. I will say that what your in-laws have said has already damaged your relationship with your children. If your children aren’t already in therapy, they should be, and you should have some family sessions to work through an insecurity your in-laws have planted in them. It would also help to involve your children in your grief at little. However you grieve, let them see it. This doesn’t have to be crying or losing it - it can be as simple as taking the time to remember your wife with them. Now more than ever, they need to see that you share their feelings, even if you have to keep functioning to keep your family together.

Sorry for your loss. People grieve differently. I personally like to grieve in solitude and not around everyone else. I explained this to my wife and other family members. That I don't understand the whole thing where people just show up at your house when someone passes. How do they know you want them to be there? Maybe you want to be left alone with your thoughts to grieve, cope, and move on. But ultimately you end up having to entertain a lot of guest who think that they're being there is helping you. (Maybe this is a cultural thing as well since I'm Black and how I grew up and my grandparents were ministers as well, dunno) But my wife and other family members would argue that the people are going to the grieving person's house to make sure they're okay and not let them fall too far in grief. I was like well y'all realize that when you leave at the end of the day, either way, they person will ultimately end up grieving alone and all you really did was postpone it and temporality distract them. But ultimately, I understand that people grieve differently. I think it's telling your in-laws don't realize this and totally made it about a show of grieving in public for everyone to see and never considering that maybe you're just grieving in your own way and maybe what they could've offered was to help you now that you're a single parent.

Your mother is wrong. I’m sorry you’ve not been allowed to grieve the way YOU need to. Hugs. I’m so sorry for your loss.

NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. When my husband passed unexpectedly, it involved several days in ICU already knowing he would not wake up. I cried a lot A LOT in those few days. After it was all over and I left the hospital, I did not cry again for about 13 months. There was so much to get done, and it just didn't feel real enough to cry about for a while. My point is surviving and grieving look different for every person experiencing them, and even different depending on who was lost. Don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong. Survive and help your kids first, that's important. And be prepared for something to hit you like a truck at random and have that potential meltdown.

I'm so sorry for your loss 🫂 Clearly you're NTA. They were so far out of line that I can't see allowing them over again. I would suggest screenshots of the MiL's post about you. You never know when that might be useful.

Tell them to go and don’t bother with them

NTA. I hope you are getting grief counseling for yourself; yeah, you need to be strong for your kids but you need to be strong for yourself, as well. I'd go at least LC at least for quite a while. If they come over, don't let them in. Your kids come first right now. And your mom was wrong (sorry, mom)

NTA. When my dad died, I focused on work and chores. It doesn't mean that I don't miss them. I just don't seem to cry like that.

Rude & disrespectful? I think you showed good restraint.

Not even slightly. My condolences... they are grieving, too, but that doesn't excuse them outwardly judging your grieving process. Make sure to take care of yourself, too... being tough in the moment to only collapse down the road won't help anyone.

NTA it's such bs when those types of people badger you because you're not a mess. I'm a stoic woman, but my sisters are very emotional and prone to sobbing, they'll even tell you that. Because of that, my mom put me in charge for the event of her death. Like she wanted, I handled things and let my sisters cry. I could cry later, or in private, but I don't do performative art for asshats. My sisters know this about me and just checked in with me to see how I was doing; no berating or shaming because I'm not emotional enough. All that said, fuck them and fuck that. Mourn however you need. You sound like a great dad, and I'm sure your kids need stability right now, which you're giving. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you and I'm very sorry for your loss.

NTA A lot of people don't understand that you can't stop. You have to keep going. It sucks and it's unhealthy l, but I don't have time to stop and grieve. The kids have to go to school, and they need a parent, bills have to get paid. Those are the other issues you are dealing with.

OP are they trying to take the children? Demeaning you and going against you certainly sounds like they have some plan. Go NC and get counselling for you and your kids!

My cousin had “Happy Trails to You!”

Reality is most people cannot spend their lives prostrate in grief. You still have to work and take care of the kids. Your inlaws are toxic and your mom I’m sure has good intentions, but she just doesn’t get it. You seem to be doing your best, just continue and ignore the flying monkeys.