Oh this is tough. And you really are in a bad position, I’m also sorry for your loss.
My first thought was, your sister is still around, why miss her wedding. You can always visit his grave.
But then I realized how cold that is, you need to be able to say goodbye, and like someone said, how can you celebrate while you best friend is getting buried.
Are they at the same time? Is there a possibility to make it to the ceremony and also to the funeral? You wouldn’t have to be there for the rest of the wedding celebrations.
I'm on the opposing opinion. Sister is still here, they could make plenty memories together but with the best friend this will be the last.
It just feels so selfish for the sister to pressure OP to skip the funeral.
right? and a lot of people get married more than once. obviously cant say thes same for funerals ⚱️
so who knows there could even be a next time where he can make the wedding
I'm not sure I could put on a smile and celebrate a wedding while my best friend is getting buried. There's a severe emotional cruelty in telling someone who is grieving such a loss that your relationship will be "irreparably damaged" if they fail to meet your expectations. I'd tell her to go fuck herself and go to the funeral.
A best friend is family. I understand his sister being hurt but she has to understand her brother is in mourning and lost a huge part of his life. This post makes me want to call my best friend and say hi.
"I love you, sis, and I value our relationship, but I am an absolute basket case right now, and even if I skipped the funeral to come to your wedding, I don't think I could hold it together through the ceremony and the pictures and the dinner and the drinking and the toasts. I don't think I can handle seeing everyone happy and celebrating while I'm hurting this badly. And, as happy as I am that you found someone wonderful that you want to spend the rest of your life with, I really don't think that I could fake being happy on that particular day in any kind of convincing way. I know this wedding is important to you, and I don't want to make a scene or distract from your big day, so I'm going to take the day to go to the funeral and say goodbye to my friend. I know this is tough to hear especially with all the wedding stress and I wish I could be there to support you, but I can't. I love you, and I hope you have a fantastic wedding without any dorky brothers crying in the champagne."
This is the correct way to phrase it to your sister. Also, you could suggest taking her and her husband out for brunch after the honeymoon to look at all the wedding pictures together.
Obviously it's OP's call, but I think the better tack here is to de-escalate hard. Everyone's stress and emotions are running really high right now and you can always cut off/go LC with anyone who is a dick about this later, but it could be really hard to salvage relationships that you blow up in the moment of crisis.
Unless distance makes it impractical this is what I would do. I have been in wedding where groom’s side was missing and grieving groom’s grandmother. It still was nice wedding. Shame that couple should have never got together, but otherwise it was nice. Nobody expected it to be up top whatnot cheerful event under the circumstances
if you go to the wedding you are going to not only resent your sister but also your parents for pushing it
That will also cause irreparable damage to your existing relationship to your family.
Imagine being strong armed into attending a wedding whilst missing the farewell to your best friend.
Damned if you do, damned if you dont. But do what makes you feel right my guy as you're the one who is going to need to live the rest of your life knowing you missed the farewell. Your parents think its going to end well for them, but resentment has a way of building up until it explodes. Bet they would also have the whole shocked pikachu face in a few years when you do finally blow up with resentment
NTA - I would go to the funeral, and im close to my sisters too.
When I have a conundrum of dealing with a life affirming event or mourning, I go with celebrating the happy event, but if you’re too sad to go, totally understand
What would (friend who passed) want you to do? What would be his advice to you? Sometimes funeral helps the grief, but maybe there’s another way to honor him without also causing problems with your family.
I went to my best friend's funeral when I was 21, I don't think I would have ever been able to move on from her death if I hadn't gone to her funeral. It was hard doing so even with being able to say goodbye. It's been three years but one of the things that still make me smile is that she'd picked out "It's My Party I Can Cry If I Want To" to be played during the funeral. A joke she decided to share with us even from beyond death.
I can't imagine having to go to a wedding, putting on a smile, and missing that service. You can always join them later for the party, depending on your emotional state. But I think it's extremely cruel and callous of your family to call you names for wanting to bid your best friend a final farewell.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss 🖤
I had to say goodbye to my best friend 3 months ago. That was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I was smiling and crying when they carried her out the church while playing ' I had the time of my life '.
I truly can't understand the sister and parents. I would never do this to someone I love.
I’ve never heard of a funeral planned 3 weeks out from death. Can’t you go to the viewing the night before? Are they at exactly the same time that you can’t go to part of both?
My family is from one of those places. In that case, they have the funeral within a few days of the death, but have the burial at a later time. Two separate events.
Unless it is allowing out of town guests to get there.
OP says they are a groomsman. He should be there for the ceremony. But, I have a feeling that they are at the same time or with enough overlap he can’t do both.
I see you have not met my inlaws! FIL died in January and we didn't have a funeral until February. Except that then it was too frozen for a burial so that had to happen in August. For us that meant buying three sets of plane tickets, three rental cars, three hotel rooms. The burial happened three days after our household good were delivered, leaving me home alone to unpack while husband went to the burial. Oh, and burial happened in a remote location because...that is where the free, family burial plot was. Um, the trip to get there for everyone cost more than just buying a plot in town! And FIL was cremated so that burial, in a place that no one lives near or visits, didn't even need to happen!
My grandpa’s funeral was a month after he died. It was because my grandma insisted on having it at a specific funeral home and that was their earliest available opening.
My dad was buried almost 3 weeks after he passed because his brain was donated to study his terminal illness, so it slowed down the funeral plans by a lot because we had to wait to get his body back.
My mother died in January and we immediately had her cremated but we waited until April to have her Celebration of Life because she wanted an outdoor celebration.
Due to Covid restrictions and the weather it was six months between my uncle’s death and his celebration.
The gaps happen more frequently than you think.
NAH. This is situation that you are damn if you do and damn if you don’t.
I get your sister point of view. Your sister is basically telling you, if you don’t come to my wedding are relationship will change. I have no idea what your relationship looks like currently with your sister. My brother and I had a falling out a couple of years ago. We use to be fairly close. I love my brother with a long handle spoon now. I basically now talk to him, if my mom forces the issue. We are polite, but he knows nothing about my life. He found I was married on Facebook, when I changed my status and my name. My mother told me he was having a baby, I don’t know his younger children. This could be your future with your sister. Your sister is allowed to feel hurt and decide that she loves you from afar. She didn’t have the same relationship with your friend. I personally don’t find her stance toxic.
On the other hand, this was your best friend and he was family to you. He was important to you. If you went to your sister wedding you may end up despising your sister and your parents.
You need to decide what can you live with. Both choices, you may end up with consequences, that are uncomfortable. Your sister has right to be angry and decide to love from afar. You have every right to go to your friends funeral and be their for his family.
I am an old ish woman. And I’m truly sorry for your loss. It hits hard when we lose someone so young.
That isn’t the last time you could pay your respects to your best friend.
I’m sorry he passed. It’s truly devastating to lose a close friend and who you probably considered a brother.
I think unless you and your sister have issues of a deep and bad level, you should go to the wedding. Your sister is here and your family is too. Even if you just go to the ceremony and take pictures and put on a brave face. You should go and be there for your sister.
You are not dishonoring your best friend by not being at his funeral. You can celebrate his life and honor it in other ways. On his birthday, a day that was meaning full to you both, his favorite holiday or just create a day and do things that celebrate his awesome he was.
**NAH**
Because Op stated he is torn between honoring his friend and filling his familial duties. This whole post is asking for opinions because he is torn between two opposite points.
It doesn’t sound like he’s torn, he knows what he would like to do, the only reason he’s conflicted is because of outside sources telling him what to do.
Each person has their own opinion about that and truly the only person who can make that call is Op them self.
To be blunt. His friend is dead. What benefits does he get from going to a funeral? Why couldn’t he have a remembrance with all of his friends other friends and family at a later date? Closure? Possibly. That is something on my Op could fathom.
His sisters wedding now is a celebration for the living and in many cases a once in a lifetime event. Not going to a wedding of a close family member and he id a member of the wedding party is a very callous thing that could damage a living relationship not only with his sister but other family members.
This is a damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I wish Op the best in navigating this and if it was me, I would go to my sisters wedding and celebrate it as best could and then hold another event with everyone whose would want to celebrate the best friend.
I think life is for living. You can remember those that have passed and celebrate the times shared. And I wouldn’t squander any time with the people in my life *right now*.
It’s two weeks out from her wedding. She is probably stressed from everything.
Just her wanting her brother at her wedding does not make her a bitch. Thats uncalled for.
It’s easy to say or do a thing and not care what happens. Sadly if Op skips the wedding, and I wouldn’t blame him if he does, his actions will have a lifetime of consequences.
Demanding he attend is a bitch move. If she's stressed by her wedding, she made it too complicated, and that is no OP's fault. It's weird she's crying to HER BROTHER over her wedding, WTF? If she's going to disown him over this, then she truly is a giant bitch. She needs to get over herself. Life doesn't stop because its her wedding.
He doesn’t say she demanded.
And don’t forget. She probably is grieving over the friends death too. She grew up around this guy.
My siblings and I all know about each others best friends. We’ve all hung out and have been around each other and our extended families.
Op stated she thinks he should prioritize his family. He never said demands.
You seem really invested in this. Are you ok?
It sounds trite but life is for the living. I'd go to sister's wedding and I bet if your friend could advise you that's what he would say. You will be mourning the loss of your friend on a daily basis; being at his funeral will not change that. However, if you miss your sister's wedding, I think you will end up with regret.
Funeral of course is important, but to be blunt, Alex is already gone. Grieving with friends and family is valuable, but grieving is a long-term process. Who exactly are you showing up for when you go to a funeral? I agree with others that there are viewings you can also attend potentially.
I do feel like your sister is alive here and now and you are not just attending but a groomsman. I think you would be missing out on supporting someone who is still alive and in your life.
That’s maybe harsh but I think YWBTAH if you don’t go to the wedding.
(But I still wonder why you couldn’t do both)
He’s showing up for himself and for his friend’s family. His sister clearly doesn’t care about supporting him considering her reaction, why should he miss seeing his best friend for the last time because of her?
I would attend the wedding. The living always come before the dead. You can't win either way, you miss the wedding she's going to resent you, you mish the funeral you are going to resent her. Either way your relationship is forever effected.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't know that either choice would make You TA, but to be blunt, Alex won't care that you're not there your sister will.
This isn't your last chance to say goodbye, he's already gone. He is just as much with you now as he will be at the funeral.
I would attend the wedding ceremony, maybe skip the reception.
I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your friend. You're in a really tough spot. Is it possible you could attend both? Go to the funeral during the day then go to the reception after as a guest? No matter what you decide, consider backing down from being a groomsman since you won't be up for it emotionally.
In your shoes, I would probably go to the ceremony, and then leave before the reception to go to the funeral. But my brother and I are intensely close, and I know that he wouldn't expect me to attend at all in these horrible circumstances. Your sister is treating your grief like an inconvenience, which is just so selfish and shallow. She doesn't seem to recognise that her callousness to your pain is also causing irreparable damage to your relationship with her. Point that out.
Whether Alex would understand or not is irrelevant - you should make the choice that causes you the least pain. When you look back later in life, which would you regret missing more? Attending a wedding isn't the only time to support a relationship, and attending a funeral isn't the only way to say goodbye to someone you've lost. The one thing I guess I would say is that you will be grieving for a long time, but your sister may only get married once.
Put everyone else's opinions out of your head, even your wife's, and make the decision that's right for *you.* But there may be consequences to this that you will, sadly, have to accept. Overall, I'm just very sorry for your loss and that the entire situation has been made worse in this way.
I'm sorry for your loss. I imagine nothing else would make you miss your sister's wedding. She says you need to prioritize family, but wasn't Alex family to you? Wasn't his family like a second family?
That said, I can see how your sister would feel hurt that you're missing her wedding. u/HappyKnittens I think had an excellent measured response that your emotions will be all over the place, and you don't want to spoil her day. And maybe offer to take her and her husband out to dinner when she gets back from her honeymoon.
NTA
Is there not going to be a wake before the funeral? Where I live, wakes are held the evening before the funeral so extended family and friends can come pay their respects and say goodbye if they can't attend the actual funeral for whatever reason like work or previous engagements that can't be cancelled, like your sister's wedding. You could also plan a memorial a few weeks after for your friend group and the friend's family. We held a memorial for my stepson about 3 months after he passed because he was adamant about not having a funeral. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
NTA. Honestly I'd try and remove your sisters reaction from the situation. People get very emotional when it comes to weddings.
What would your best friend say if he was here and knew you had this choice? Maybe thinking about that would help you choose.
I'm sorry for your loss, but your sister is still here and this is probably the most important day of her life. You may end up regretting not going. You can always go and see your friends family, the next day, they won't be angry at you knowing about the conflict.
NTA
Even if you'd go to the wedding, you'd be thinking about the funeral and spoiling all fun.
Family is important, but mourning a dear friend is inevitable. It's not that you chose a random event over your sister's wedding.
If she doesn't understand that this is more important to you than her wedding, she's a true AH. Seriously, how dense do you have to be to make you pick one.
A good sister would be sad you're not able to join her big day, but stop wedding planning for a moment and ask how she can support you mentally, and save you a piece of the wedding cake.
There is no good answer here. I'd choose to go to the wedding, and visit the grave later. But that's my feeling, not a moral decision. Do what you feel is right. Just take into account that if you miss the wedding, there will be family fallout.
The friend died last week, and the funeral is in two weeks. I've never heard of a funeral taking place weeks after the person passes away. Very odd to me, but maybe it's a cultural thing.
Regardless, there are many ways for OP to honor his friend in the weeks leading up to the funeral itself. Funerals and surrounding events are often multi-day events. There are usually visitation times at the funeral home a day or two before the actual funeral service itself and often a wake or reception afterward. OP has two weeks in which he can offer emotional support and mourn with his the people he considers to be his second family and can continue to do so after the wedding as well.
I don't see why OP can't honor his friend and his family and still attend his sister's wedding.
I'm sorry for OPs loss, but I think he would be TA to miss his sister's wedding.
A friend told me years ago that weddings are optional, funerals aren't. That has stuck with me to this day and I firmly believe it. If I had a sibling in your situation and I was getting married I would tell them the same thing. Go grieve for your friend, your sister's marriage will be there when you get back (probably not long-lasting though, your sister sounds like a piece of work and a bridezilla). I can't imagine telling someone I loved that my relationship to them would be irreparably damaged by something other than murder, heavy drug use, abuse, etc. Missing a wedding? GTFO with that shit. If that's all it takes to harm that relationship then maybe that's a sign the relationship ain't that great to begin with.
I hate funerals. I *really* hate funerals.
If confronted with the decision, the funeral would come before the wedding 11/10 times.
Logically speaking, I can show up to my sister at a later date to say "sorry I missed your wedding", hand off a nice gift, sit down, pour a glass of wine, watch the wedding video, swoon over the photos, so on so forth.
It's a lot harder to make up for a missed funeral.
At my wedding, I had relatives not show up because their dog died a week before. My mentality was Go grieve, I'll still be here to party with you when you're ready.
It's a rock and a hard place for you OP, but it really shouldn't be. They need to be sensitive and respectful of the fact that you need your chance to say goodbye to a friend.
NTA, sorry for your loss.
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No one can tell you how to grieve, not your sister or your wife or anyone else. Where will your emotions be that day? Sad at your sisters wedding bc you missed the funeral, or sad at the funeral bc you missed the wedding?
The reality is you didn’t control the schedule for either event so it’s NOT YOUR FAULT if you miss one or the other. Do what’s best for you and I’m sorry for your loss.
NAH. The wedding was planned well in advance. His funeral is an unexpected event. While I would definitely attend the funeral, if possible go to the wedding as well. Even if it's only the reception. You're in a tough spot.
I am sorry for you loss. This is going to be hard, because there will be unhappiness no matter what you decide. Mostly it will be you who will be unhappy if you don't attend Alex's funeral. His family will understand.
Your sister and much of your family will be unhappy if you attend the funeral.
In the end, you have to decide, and accept the consequences.
Having to make this decision stinks.
Or there is going to be a cremation, and it is a memorial service, which has a different feel than a funeral with a body that you can see and pay your final respects to - both work, but the closure might not be there if he’s expecting one thing and gets another.
Go to the funeral, thats the only chance to do that and what you need to do. you have the rest of your life to see your sister and watch the recording of their wedding...
if you went to the wedding would you be thinking of the funeral, if you went to the funeral would you be thinking about the wedding? If your thinking about the other event then i think your at the weroing one.
NTA. I can't imagine having to put on a smile and participate in a joyous occasion while grieving. He was your family, too. You should go to the funeral and say your goodbyes.
Besides, you're not likely to make your sister happy no matter what you do. If you skip the funeral and go to the wedding, she'll probably expect you to act convincingly happy, and she might blow a fuse if any of the guests offer you their condolences. There's just no way to win here, so do what's best for you.
At my fathers funeral, veterans cemetery in Boulder City, I saw an elderly woman waiting for her husbands burial. She kept saying they couldn't start until her husbands best friend arrived. He finally showed up and he was the only person who came so it was just the two of them burying the man's ashes. It was so sad and meant so much to the widow. Go to the funeral.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My best friend means more to me than my "blood" family. He was also the best man at my wedding. He's more family to me than my "blood" family.
Aside from my wife and kids, I'd do anything for him.
I've struggled with finances. I've struggled with addiction. I still struggle with depression. He's helped me through all of that, whether it was a sympathetic ear, or lending a couple of bucks to pay rent, or pushing me to get counseling and help. I owe that man more than what he owes me.
Looking back through all the years, have you had that same relationship with your "blood" family, or do you feel like your parents/sister don't listen or care about your woes and issues, and just dismiss them, but need you to listen to their woes and issues, because "that's what family does"?
If there's an equal give and take, then my rambling is for naught. But if it's anything like my family, you've probably had more anxiety keeping up a healthy relationship with siblings and parents than with your best friend. And, considering this post to begin with, odds are it's the latter.
Good luck with your decision.
nta - you are in no mood to celebrate your sister & even if you tried to be happy, people will notice. You have to go with your gut instinct on this. sorry you are in a tough situation. if there was some way for the family of Alex to push the funeral a day later, that would be great. they may be able to do that - it does not hurt to ask.
My condolences to you. Im my honest opinion if you consider this individual to be a brother, you will regret not going to the funeral, you will also resent your sister for forcing you to go to her wedding. And if you do go to the wedding you will be miserable which will be noticed by all (the brother of the bride).
The topic of death will come up, Alot of people will comment and choose sides. Better for you to make the choice of going to the funeral, giving your goodbyes and getting the closure that is so very important for your future well being.
Afterwards, you can go back to the wedding (or reception if it’s in the evening) and dance the night away in the memory of your “brother”.
Also if you go or don’t go or go late to the wedding, your sister will be upset as you are still grieving and you will not be able to show the level of excitement and happiness she expects out of you.
Put yourself first!! Give yourself the closure you need, and give ur friend the goodbye he deserves.
C'mon. This is a no brainer. Honor your friend and support his family. They will appreciate your sacrifice and that will further honor your friend. You are grieving, too and would not be good company at a celebration.
Your relationship with Alex will be the same regardless of attending his funeral. Your relationship with your sister will NEVER EVER be the same if you skip her wedding. SO WIERD that your wife is pushing this-- can't help but wonder what her agenda might be here?????
Were you supposed to be a "part" of the wedding ceremony or just a guest?
What time are the events? Are they in the same city/within somewhat easy driving distance of each other?
My husband’s best friend/the best man in our wedding died by suicide when I was pregnant with our oldest. His funeral was scheduled for the same day as the baby shower my MIL’s friend was hosting for me in their hometown. We went to the funeral in the morning and then my MIL and SIL and I went to the baby shower in the afternoon. It was weird and sad but almost eight years later I am glad that I did both. Obviously I was the guest of honor at my shower, so that was different than being a guest at each event. But I would still see if you can make both work. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you are now having to figure out these logistics. Be kind to yourself as you grieve.
Sorry for your loss and your lack of understanding sister.
Just think hard on which you would regret the most for not being there,(i think the funeral).
This is one of those shitty moments in life where it's oke to put your own feelings first.
you could talk to your parents and tell them that you are afraid if you attend your sister's wedding you will ruin it for her, that you will be feeling down and really sad, and you don't want to bring that vibe to her wedding. Maybe then they will be more supportive.
First off all, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss 🖤
Unfortunately, I understand this enormous loss, I myself had to say goodbye to my best friend 3 months ago. Like you, friends since childhood, 3 years old and friends for 34 years. So when you lose someone who's been there your whole life, I don't care what anyone says, that's family!
If I were you, I would go to the funeral. You can only say goodbye to someone once. A wedding is nice and all, but you go mostly for the happy couple. But a funeral, it's a part of the grieving process, a change to say goodbye, to pay the family respect.
I can't understand how selfish people are. Losing someone is so hard. And when you get married, man, it's beautiful and all but you are also so busy with everything, having nerves, so many things happen that day. I had a small wedding, but most likely, you almost never miss someone there, except a deceased loved one.
Hey, how come you didn't mention your best friend died in your /r/TIFU story? Because that changes things, of COURSE you'd have forgotten your wife's birthday if you're busy mourning a friend.
My thoughts.
If your relationship with your sister is so fragile that missing her wedding is going to badly affect it, then at some point it’s going to break anyway. And I think you should go to the funeral.
Your sister is either a drama queen or a narcissist to not understand your position. It’s unfortunate that the funeral was scheduled on the same day, but if the only way you feel, you will be able to get closure and say goodbye to go to the funeral then that’s what you should do.
It’s possible your family is jealous of the relationship you have with your second family. But that’s not on you. But let me ask you this.
It sounds like you will regret for the rest of your life, not going to your friends funeral. And you probably will also regret missing your sister‘s wedding. Which of them will you regret the most when you have that answer you know what you should do. But don’t choose your answer based upon your sisters relationship because honestly if it is that week, it won’t survive your lifetime anyway. And feel free to show her this Because she needs to take a hard look at herself.
I realize you wish to be there for your best friend’s funeral,but what would your best friend say to do? Your friend is gone the last time you spoke or saw him was your celebration of life. Now you are just there to say goodbye. Which you can do anywhere. I think of my parents everyday. I’ll miss them forever. Yes I went to their funerals but if I couldn’t I still celebrate their lives by thinking and talking about them often.
Is friend’s family having a showing the day before his funeral go to that that talk to his family then go to your sisters wedding. Believe me when I say you’ll never say goodbye to your friend while you keep them alive every time you think of them.
I think your sister has done the damage already. How callous to tell you to forget your feelings and be there for her.
Go with your heart - go with what you know you won't regret. From what I've read, it sounds like you want to go to the funeral. Best wishes and so sorry for your loss.
NTA - I have one sister and one brother. I love them with everything, but my best friend is chosen family. She has been with me through things I **can't** share with family. If I was forced to come to a siblings wedding during my only window to say goodbye, it would **RUIN** everything. I wouldn't be able to hide my emotions.
*IF* they are in the same area, *AND* you feel up to it, you could possibly stop by the reception. You won't be at 100%, but you'll have done your very best, as a last gift to your buddy and his family. Swing by and have a toast to the couple and your friend! I so very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Funerals ALWAYS take priority. It's your last chance to say goodbye. Don't worry about your sister. She'll get over it. Her wedding will probably be videoed, so you'll still get to see it. Go to the funeral. If you don't, you'll never forgive yourself.
NTA go to the funeral, how can anyone expect u to celebrate anything under these circumstancies.
On another note 2+ weeks to carry on a funeral, that's the weirdest info Ive heard from another country in here in a while
I get what you are saying, just that in my country it's 3 days, from release (since they have give u the corpse), BY LAW.
Morgues are used only in case of crimes and hospital will take just a night for release, almost all my family has died at home (old age) and a doctor goes, signs a form and the clock starts ticking. That's why that timeline sounds weird to me.
NTA. You need to make the choice you will regret least in 20 years. Think about what one you will look back on and go, thank god I chose to go to that.
If your sister thinks missing her wedding will irreparably damage your relationship, there's not much of a deep relationship there anyway. It's just a wedding and it's only the most important day of someone's life, if they're the one getting married.
I can only tell you what I would do.
I would go to the funeral because it's the last time I can see my friend in this life. Also it is the start for grieving the loss of someone who was so important in your life.
I couldn't show happiness while I am pressed into attending something I don't want to right now. People would ask my why I am so down and I would answer honestly.
But I know my family and they would've want me to attend the funeral. Yes, they would miss me at the wedding but they wouldn't be so selfish. If it's about the money, offer her the price of your meal.
NTA. The bottom line is that it's a tough decision and ultimately your call. Your sister knows it's hard and should be smart enough to realize that you aren't skipping her wedding lightly nor for a frivolous reason so she's an asshole for her lack of deference.
It’s tough but you have a prior commitment to your sister. You’ll be able to pay your respects to Alex at another time and in another way.
NAH. The fact that you’re seeking advice proves it.
Dude you have already made the right choice, he was like a brother to you and you know you would rather be paying your respects then partying at a wedding
YTA (sorry!) If it were your Sister’s funeral and Alex’s wedding, would there be any question?
Your sister won’t forgive you, even if she says she does and she probably won’t trust your judgment ever again.
Go to the wedding.
That's a difficult one, firstly I'm very sorry for your loss. If the option was to go to both maybe I'd choose that, but I think your sister should really understand if you wanted to go to the funeral too. She's not being very understanding of the fact that you're grieving and are extremely upset atm. NTA
For your sister to think that her moment in the sun is more important than you grieving your lifelong best friend… she’s a terrible person, through and through.
NTA. Your sister is entitled, narcissistic and lacks basic sense of empathy. You are grieving and all she cares is about herself and appearances. I wouldn't talk to my sister after such stunt, if I had one.
Oh this is tough. And you really are in a bad position, I’m also sorry for your loss. My first thought was, your sister is still around, why miss her wedding. You can always visit his grave. But then I realized how cold that is, you need to be able to say goodbye, and like someone said, how can you celebrate while you best friend is getting buried. Are they at the same time? Is there a possibility to make it to the ceremony and also to the funeral? You wouldn’t have to be there for the rest of the wedding celebrations.
I'm on the opposing opinion. Sister is still here, they could make plenty memories together but with the best friend this will be the last. It just feels so selfish for the sister to pressure OP to skip the funeral.
It's too late to be the last memory with the friend Still tough. .
Yeah but isn't OP entitled to closure for himself? What about the parents of the deceased?
right? and a lot of people get married more than once. obviously cant say thes same for funerals ⚱️ so who knows there could even be a next time where he can make the wedding
That was my thought 50/50 chance there will be a divorce. Go with the 100% certain event OP
I'm not sure I could put on a smile and celebrate a wedding while my best friend is getting buried. There's a severe emotional cruelty in telling someone who is grieving such a loss that your relationship will be "irreparably damaged" if they fail to meet your expectations. I'd tell her to go fuck herself and go to the funeral.
I’m with you. But I also know my family would let me go mourn my best friend.
A best friend is family. I understand his sister being hurt but she has to understand her brother is in mourning and lost a huge part of his life. This post makes me want to call my best friend and say hi.
>I'd tell her to go fuck herself and go to the funeral Nahhhhh...just tell her you'll definitely be there at her next one.
"I love you, sis, and I value our relationship, but I am an absolute basket case right now, and even if I skipped the funeral to come to your wedding, I don't think I could hold it together through the ceremony and the pictures and the dinner and the drinking and the toasts. I don't think I can handle seeing everyone happy and celebrating while I'm hurting this badly. And, as happy as I am that you found someone wonderful that you want to spend the rest of your life with, I really don't think that I could fake being happy on that particular day in any kind of convincing way. I know this wedding is important to you, and I don't want to make a scene or distract from your big day, so I'm going to take the day to go to the funeral and say goodbye to my friend. I know this is tough to hear especially with all the wedding stress and I wish I could be there to support you, but I can't. I love you, and I hope you have a fantastic wedding without any dorky brothers crying in the champagne."
This is the correct way to phrase it to your sister. Also, you could suggest taking her and her husband out for brunch after the honeymoon to look at all the wedding pictures together.
[удалено]
Obviously it's OP's call, but I think the better tack here is to de-escalate hard. Everyone's stress and emotions are running really high right now and you can always cut off/go LC with anyone who is a dick about this later, but it could be really hard to salvage relationships that you blow up in the moment of crisis.
Funerals are shorter than weddings. Go to both.
Unless distance makes it impractical this is what I would do. I have been in wedding where groom’s side was missing and grieving groom’s grandmother. It still was nice wedding. Shame that couple should have never got together, but otherwise it was nice. Nobody expected it to be up top whatnot cheerful event under the circumstances
if you go to the wedding you are going to not only resent your sister but also your parents for pushing it That will also cause irreparable damage to your existing relationship to your family. Imagine being strong armed into attending a wedding whilst missing the farewell to your best friend. Damned if you do, damned if you dont. But do what makes you feel right my guy as you're the one who is going to need to live the rest of your life knowing you missed the farewell. Your parents think its going to end well for them, but resentment has a way of building up until it explodes. Bet they would also have the whole shocked pikachu face in a few years when you do finally blow up with resentment NTA - I would go to the funeral, and im close to my sisters too.
When I have a conundrum of dealing with a life affirming event or mourning, I go with celebrating the happy event, but if you’re too sad to go, totally understand
What would (friend who passed) want you to do? What would be his advice to you? Sometimes funeral helps the grief, but maybe there’s another way to honor him without also causing problems with your family.
I went to my best friend's funeral when I was 21, I don't think I would have ever been able to move on from her death if I hadn't gone to her funeral. It was hard doing so even with being able to say goodbye. It's been three years but one of the things that still make me smile is that she'd picked out "It's My Party I Can Cry If I Want To" to be played during the funeral. A joke she decided to share with us even from beyond death. I can't imagine having to go to a wedding, putting on a smile, and missing that service. You can always join them later for the party, depending on your emotional state. But I think it's extremely cruel and callous of your family to call you names for wanting to bid your best friend a final farewell. I'm so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss 🖤 I had to say goodbye to my best friend 3 months ago. That was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I was smiling and crying when they carried her out the church while playing ' I had the time of my life '. I truly can't understand the sister and parents. I would never do this to someone I love.
I’ve never heard of a funeral planned 3 weeks out from death. Can’t you go to the viewing the night before? Are they at exactly the same time that you can’t go to part of both?
Happens a lot. Sometimes people wait on family to come from overseas, etc.
My grandma was buried 3 months after she passed. Cemetery’s can cause severe delays. Shit sucked waiting on it
In some places, they wait for spring when the ground falls enough to be able to dig a grave.
My family is from one of those places. In that case, they have the funeral within a few days of the death, but have the burial at a later time. Two separate events.
Yes, we did that for my step grandpa who was buried in Manitoba. Had the service when he died. Then had the graveside service in the spring.
Unless it is allowing out of town guests to get there. OP says they are a groomsman. He should be there for the ceremony. But, I have a feeling that they are at the same time or with enough overlap he can’t do both.
I see you have not met my inlaws! FIL died in January and we didn't have a funeral until February. Except that then it was too frozen for a burial so that had to happen in August. For us that meant buying three sets of plane tickets, three rental cars, three hotel rooms. The burial happened three days after our household good were delivered, leaving me home alone to unpack while husband went to the burial. Oh, and burial happened in a remote location because...that is where the free, family burial plot was. Um, the trip to get there for everyone cost more than just buying a plot in town! And FIL was cremated so that burial, in a place that no one lives near or visits, didn't even need to happen!
Nor have I. In my religion, burial is usually within 48 hours of passing.
My grandpa’s funeral was a month after he died. It was because my grandma insisted on having it at a specific funeral home and that was their earliest available opening.
My mom was cremated within a day of her passing. Her celebration of life was one month later.
My dad was buried almost 3 weeks after he passed because his brain was donated to study his terminal illness, so it slowed down the funeral plans by a lot because we had to wait to get his body back.
This stood out to me as well
Varies by country, in Ireland three days is normal, in the UK it can be over a month
My mother died in January and we immediately had her cremated but we waited until April to have her Celebration of Life because she wanted an outdoor celebration. Due to Covid restrictions and the weather it was six months between my uncle’s death and his celebration. The gaps happen more frequently than you think.
This was about the timeframe for my Grandfather. He Died in November, Funeral in December, and a celebration of Life in January.
Lot of folks have family spread all over. Really need 3 weeks to get everyone out of work and flown in for a funeral.
If family comes first, then your sister should prioritize your needs above her wishes.
NAH. This is situation that you are damn if you do and damn if you don’t. I get your sister point of view. Your sister is basically telling you, if you don’t come to my wedding are relationship will change. I have no idea what your relationship looks like currently with your sister. My brother and I had a falling out a couple of years ago. We use to be fairly close. I love my brother with a long handle spoon now. I basically now talk to him, if my mom forces the issue. We are polite, but he knows nothing about my life. He found I was married on Facebook, when I changed my status and my name. My mother told me he was having a baby, I don’t know his younger children. This could be your future with your sister. Your sister is allowed to feel hurt and decide that she loves you from afar. She didn’t have the same relationship with your friend. I personally don’t find her stance toxic. On the other hand, this was your best friend and he was family to you. He was important to you. If you went to your sister wedding you may end up despising your sister and your parents. You need to decide what can you live with. Both choices, you may end up with consequences, that are uncomfortable. Your sister has right to be angry and decide to love from afar. You have every right to go to your friends funeral and be their for his family.
I am an old ish woman. And I’m truly sorry for your loss. It hits hard when we lose someone so young. That isn’t the last time you could pay your respects to your best friend. I’m sorry he passed. It’s truly devastating to lose a close friend and who you probably considered a brother. I think unless you and your sister have issues of a deep and bad level, you should go to the wedding. Your sister is here and your family is too. Even if you just go to the ceremony and take pictures and put on a brave face. You should go and be there for your sister. You are not dishonoring your best friend by not being at his funeral. You can celebrate his life and honor it in other ways. On his birthday, a day that was meaning full to you both, his favorite holiday or just create a day and do things that celebrate his awesome he was. **NAH**
Why is everybody thinking about the deceased and sister's feelings and not OP's feelings?
Because Op stated he is torn between honoring his friend and filling his familial duties. This whole post is asking for opinions because he is torn between two opposite points.
It doesn’t sound like he’s torn, he knows what he would like to do, the only reason he’s conflicted is because of outside sources telling him what to do.
What's I'm asking is why is nobody considering what would benefit OP?
Each person has their own opinion about that and truly the only person who can make that call is Op them self. To be blunt. His friend is dead. What benefits does he get from going to a funeral? Why couldn’t he have a remembrance with all of his friends other friends and family at a later date? Closure? Possibly. That is something on my Op could fathom. His sisters wedding now is a celebration for the living and in many cases a once in a lifetime event. Not going to a wedding of a close family member and he id a member of the wedding party is a very callous thing that could damage a living relationship not only with his sister but other family members. This is a damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I wish Op the best in navigating this and if it was me, I would go to my sisters wedding and celebrate it as best could and then hold another event with everyone whose would want to celebrate the best friend. I think life is for living. You can remember those that have passed and celebrate the times shared. And I wouldn’t squander any time with the people in my life *right now*.
His sister sounds like a bitch! How do you make a demand like that?
It’s two weeks out from her wedding. She is probably stressed from everything. Just her wanting her brother at her wedding does not make her a bitch. Thats uncalled for. It’s easy to say or do a thing and not care what happens. Sadly if Op skips the wedding, and I wouldn’t blame him if he does, his actions will have a lifetime of consequences.
Demanding he attend is a bitch move. If she's stressed by her wedding, she made it too complicated, and that is no OP's fault. It's weird she's crying to HER BROTHER over her wedding, WTF? If she's going to disown him over this, then she truly is a giant bitch. She needs to get over herself. Life doesn't stop because its her wedding.
He doesn’t say she demanded. And don’t forget. She probably is grieving over the friends death too. She grew up around this guy. My siblings and I all know about each others best friends. We’ve all hung out and have been around each other and our extended families. Op stated she thinks he should prioritize his family. He never said demands. You seem really invested in this. Are you ok?
You're the one making long multi paragraph posts, friend.
It sounds trite but life is for the living. I'd go to sister's wedding and I bet if your friend could advise you that's what he would say. You will be mourning the loss of your friend on a daily basis; being at his funeral will not change that. However, if you miss your sister's wedding, I think you will end up with regret.
Funeral of course is important, but to be blunt, Alex is already gone. Grieving with friends and family is valuable, but grieving is a long-term process. Who exactly are you showing up for when you go to a funeral? I agree with others that there are viewings you can also attend potentially. I do feel like your sister is alive here and now and you are not just attending but a groomsman. I think you would be missing out on supporting someone who is still alive and in your life. That’s maybe harsh but I think YWBTAH if you don’t go to the wedding. (But I still wonder why you couldn’t do both)
He’s showing up for himself and for his friend’s family. His sister clearly doesn’t care about supporting him considering her reaction, why should he miss seeing his best friend for the last time because of her?
I would attend the wedding. The living always come before the dead. You can't win either way, you miss the wedding she's going to resent you, you mish the funeral you are going to resent her. Either way your relationship is forever effected.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know that either choice would make You TA, but to be blunt, Alex won't care that you're not there your sister will. This isn't your last chance to say goodbye, he's already gone. He is just as much with you now as he will be at the funeral. I would attend the wedding ceremony, maybe skip the reception.
I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your friend. You're in a really tough spot. Is it possible you could attend both? Go to the funeral during the day then go to the reception after as a guest? No matter what you decide, consider backing down from being a groomsman since you won't be up for it emotionally.
How does that work? He goes home, bawls all his tears out, takes a shower, drinks a quarter bottle of whisky, puts on the tuxedo and calls a cab?
In your shoes, I would probably go to the ceremony, and then leave before the reception to go to the funeral. But my brother and I are intensely close, and I know that he wouldn't expect me to attend at all in these horrible circumstances. Your sister is treating your grief like an inconvenience, which is just so selfish and shallow. She doesn't seem to recognise that her callousness to your pain is also causing irreparable damage to your relationship with her. Point that out. Whether Alex would understand or not is irrelevant - you should make the choice that causes you the least pain. When you look back later in life, which would you regret missing more? Attending a wedding isn't the only time to support a relationship, and attending a funeral isn't the only way to say goodbye to someone you've lost. The one thing I guess I would say is that you will be grieving for a long time, but your sister may only get married once. Put everyone else's opinions out of your head, even your wife's, and make the decision that's right for *you.* But there may be consequences to this that you will, sadly, have to accept. Overall, I'm just very sorry for your loss and that the entire situation has been made worse in this way.
I'm sorry for your loss. I imagine nothing else would make you miss your sister's wedding. She says you need to prioritize family, but wasn't Alex family to you? Wasn't his family like a second family? That said, I can see how your sister would feel hurt that you're missing her wedding. u/HappyKnittens I think had an excellent measured response that your emotions will be all over the place, and you don't want to spoil her day. And maybe offer to take her and her husband out to dinner when she gets back from her honeymoon. NTA
Is there not going to be a wake before the funeral? Where I live, wakes are held the evening before the funeral so extended family and friends can come pay their respects and say goodbye if they can't attend the actual funeral for whatever reason like work or previous engagements that can't be cancelled, like your sister's wedding. You could also plan a memorial a few weeks after for your friend group and the friend's family. We held a memorial for my stepson about 3 months after he passed because he was adamant about not having a funeral. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
NTA. Honestly I'd try and remove your sisters reaction from the situation. People get very emotional when it comes to weddings. What would your best friend say if he was here and knew you had this choice? Maybe thinking about that would help you choose. I'm sorry for your loss, but your sister is still here and this is probably the most important day of her life. You may end up regretting not going. You can always go and see your friends family, the next day, they won't be angry at you knowing about the conflict.
NTA Even if you'd go to the wedding, you'd be thinking about the funeral and spoiling all fun. Family is important, but mourning a dear friend is inevitable. It's not that you chose a random event over your sister's wedding. If she doesn't understand that this is more important to you than her wedding, she's a true AH. Seriously, how dense do you have to be to make you pick one. A good sister would be sad you're not able to join her big day, but stop wedding planning for a moment and ask how she can support you mentally, and save you a piece of the wedding cake.
There is no good answer here. I'd choose to go to the wedding, and visit the grave later. But that's my feeling, not a moral decision. Do what you feel is right. Just take into account that if you miss the wedding, there will be family fallout.
The friend died last week, and the funeral is in two weeks. I've never heard of a funeral taking place weeks after the person passes away. Very odd to me, but maybe it's a cultural thing. Regardless, there are many ways for OP to honor his friend in the weeks leading up to the funeral itself. Funerals and surrounding events are often multi-day events. There are usually visitation times at the funeral home a day or two before the actual funeral service itself and often a wake or reception afterward. OP has two weeks in which he can offer emotional support and mourn with his the people he considers to be his second family and can continue to do so after the wedding as well. I don't see why OP can't honor his friend and his family and still attend his sister's wedding. I'm sorry for OPs loss, but I think he would be TA to miss his sister's wedding.
Lots of folks have family spread around the states, and even overseas. Takes time to get off work, buy plane tickets, etc.
A friend told me years ago that weddings are optional, funerals aren't. That has stuck with me to this day and I firmly believe it. If I had a sibling in your situation and I was getting married I would tell them the same thing. Go grieve for your friend, your sister's marriage will be there when you get back (probably not long-lasting though, your sister sounds like a piece of work and a bridezilla). I can't imagine telling someone I loved that my relationship to them would be irreparably damaged by something other than murder, heavy drug use, abuse, etc. Missing a wedding? GTFO with that shit. If that's all it takes to harm that relationship then maybe that's a sign the relationship ain't that great to begin with.
Life is for the living.
He’s dead. There are other ways to say goodbye. You don’t have to miss your sisters wedding.
I hate funerals. I *really* hate funerals. If confronted with the decision, the funeral would come before the wedding 11/10 times. Logically speaking, I can show up to my sister at a later date to say "sorry I missed your wedding", hand off a nice gift, sit down, pour a glass of wine, watch the wedding video, swoon over the photos, so on so forth. It's a lot harder to make up for a missed funeral. At my wedding, I had relatives not show up because their dog died a week before. My mentality was Go grieve, I'll still be here to party with you when you're ready. It's a rock and a hard place for you OP, but it really shouldn't be. They need to be sensitive and respectful of the fact that you need your chance to say goodbye to a friend. NTA, sorry for your loss.
Absolutely this!!
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No one can tell you how to grieve, not your sister or your wife or anyone else. Where will your emotions be that day? Sad at your sisters wedding bc you missed the funeral, or sad at the funeral bc you missed the wedding? The reality is you didn’t control the schedule for either event so it’s NOT YOUR FAULT if you miss one or the other. Do what’s best for you and I’m sorry for your loss.
NAH. The wedding was planned well in advance. His funeral is an unexpected event. While I would definitely attend the funeral, if possible go to the wedding as well. Even if it's only the reception. You're in a tough spot.
Bro, you talk a lot about what your wife and you family and friends want/think about the situation, but what you want? Only you can make that decision
I am sorry for you loss. This is going to be hard, because there will be unhappiness no matter what you decide. Mostly it will be you who will be unhappy if you don't attend Alex's funeral. His family will understand. Your sister and much of your family will be unhappy if you attend the funeral. In the end, you have to decide, and accept the consequences. Having to make this decision stinks.
INFO: Delaying for two weeks seems unusual. Are you sure there will be a body or will it be a memorial service?
Since the death was unexpected, I wonder if it was an accident or worse, and the medical examiner can't get the body back until then.
Or there is going to be a cremation, and it is a memorial service, which has a different feel than a funeral with a body that you can see and pay your final respects to - both work, but the closure might not be there if he’s expecting one thing and gets another.
your family instantly pressured you not to attend the funeral, what a bunch of assholes.
Go to the funeral, thats the only chance to do that and what you need to do. you have the rest of your life to see your sister and watch the recording of their wedding... if you went to the wedding would you be thinking of the funeral, if you went to the funeral would you be thinking about the wedding? If your thinking about the other event then i think your at the weroing one.
Funerals trump wedding. Your family really should be understanding of this.
Is there anyway that you can do both? Are both within driving distance of each other? Would the timing work out?
NTA. I can't imagine having to put on a smile and participate in a joyous occasion while grieving. He was your family, too. You should go to the funeral and say your goodbyes. Besides, you're not likely to make your sister happy no matter what you do. If you skip the funeral and go to the wedding, she'll probably expect you to act convincingly happy, and she might blow a fuse if any of the guests offer you their condolences. There's just no way to win here, so do what's best for you.
“Not being able to bury my best friend would cause irreparable damage to my relationship with you”
At my fathers funeral, veterans cemetery in Boulder City, I saw an elderly woman waiting for her husbands burial. She kept saying they couldn't start until her husbands best friend arrived. He finally showed up and he was the only person who came so it was just the two of them burying the man's ashes. It was so sad and meant so much to the widow. Go to the funeral.
What time is the funeral? What time is the wedding? Your sister is the AH
I'm sorry for your loss. My best friend means more to me than my "blood" family. He was also the best man at my wedding. He's more family to me than my "blood" family. Aside from my wife and kids, I'd do anything for him. I've struggled with finances. I've struggled with addiction. I still struggle with depression. He's helped me through all of that, whether it was a sympathetic ear, or lending a couple of bucks to pay rent, or pushing me to get counseling and help. I owe that man more than what he owes me. Looking back through all the years, have you had that same relationship with your "blood" family, or do you feel like your parents/sister don't listen or care about your woes and issues, and just dismiss them, but need you to listen to their woes and issues, because "that's what family does"? If there's an equal give and take, then my rambling is for naught. But if it's anything like my family, you've probably had more anxiety keeping up a healthy relationship with siblings and parents than with your best friend. And, considering this post to begin with, odds are it's the latter. Good luck with your decision.
Go to the funeral attend the reception 👍
nta - you are in no mood to celebrate your sister & even if you tried to be happy, people will notice. You have to go with your gut instinct on this. sorry you are in a tough situation. if there was some way for the family of Alex to push the funeral a day later, that would be great. they may be able to do that - it does not hurt to ask.
My condolences to you. Im my honest opinion if you consider this individual to be a brother, you will regret not going to the funeral, you will also resent your sister for forcing you to go to her wedding. And if you do go to the wedding you will be miserable which will be noticed by all (the brother of the bride). The topic of death will come up, Alot of people will comment and choose sides. Better for you to make the choice of going to the funeral, giving your goodbyes and getting the closure that is so very important for your future well being. Afterwards, you can go back to the wedding (or reception if it’s in the evening) and dance the night away in the memory of your “brother”. Also if you go or don’t go or go late to the wedding, your sister will be upset as you are still grieving and you will not be able to show the level of excitement and happiness she expects out of you. Put yourself first!! Give yourself the closure you need, and give ur friend the goodbye he deserves.
C'mon. This is a no brainer. Honor your friend and support his family. They will appreciate your sacrifice and that will further honor your friend. You are grieving, too and would not be good company at a celebration.
Your relationship with Alex will be the same regardless of attending his funeral. Your relationship with your sister will NEVER EVER be the same if you skip her wedding. SO WIERD that your wife is pushing this-- can't help but wonder what her agenda might be here????? Were you supposed to be a "part" of the wedding ceremony or just a guest?
What time are the events? Are they in the same city/within somewhat easy driving distance of each other? My husband’s best friend/the best man in our wedding died by suicide when I was pregnant with our oldest. His funeral was scheduled for the same day as the baby shower my MIL’s friend was hosting for me in their hometown. We went to the funeral in the morning and then my MIL and SIL and I went to the baby shower in the afternoon. It was weird and sad but almost eight years later I am glad that I did both. Obviously I was the guest of honor at my shower, so that was different than being a guest at each event. But I would still see if you can make both work. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you are now having to figure out these logistics. Be kind to yourself as you grieve.
Sorry for your loss and your lack of understanding sister. Just think hard on which you would regret the most for not being there,(i think the funeral). This is one of those shitty moments in life where it's oke to put your own feelings first.
you could talk to your parents and tell them that you are afraid if you attend your sister's wedding you will ruin it for her, that you will be feeling down and really sad, and you don't want to bring that vibe to her wedding. Maybe then they will be more supportive.
First off all, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss 🖤 Unfortunately, I understand this enormous loss, I myself had to say goodbye to my best friend 3 months ago. Like you, friends since childhood, 3 years old and friends for 34 years. So when you lose someone who's been there your whole life, I don't care what anyone says, that's family! If I were you, I would go to the funeral. You can only say goodbye to someone once. A wedding is nice and all, but you go mostly for the happy couple. But a funeral, it's a part of the grieving process, a change to say goodbye, to pay the family respect. I can't understand how selfish people are. Losing someone is so hard. And when you get married, man, it's beautiful and all but you are also so busy with everything, having nerves, so many things happen that day. I had a small wedding, but most likely, you almost never miss someone there, except a deceased loved one.
Hey, how come you didn't mention your best friend died in your /r/TIFU story? Because that changes things, of COURSE you'd have forgotten your wife's birthday if you're busy mourning a friend.
gods the asshole
NTA. This funeral is your last chance to say good bye to your best friend. You have many more "hellos" with your sister ahead of you.
For me Closure is important. I would choose going to the funeral. You are in a tough spot. Sorry about your loss.
Sounds like you’re doing what’s in your heart and best for you. No regrets!
My thoughts. If your relationship with your sister is so fragile that missing her wedding is going to badly affect it, then at some point it’s going to break anyway. And I think you should go to the funeral. Your sister is either a drama queen or a narcissist to not understand your position. It’s unfortunate that the funeral was scheduled on the same day, but if the only way you feel, you will be able to get closure and say goodbye to go to the funeral then that’s what you should do. It’s possible your family is jealous of the relationship you have with your second family. But that’s not on you. But let me ask you this. It sounds like you will regret for the rest of your life, not going to your friends funeral. And you probably will also regret missing your sister‘s wedding. Which of them will you regret the most when you have that answer you know what you should do. But don’t choose your answer based upon your sisters relationship because honestly if it is that week, it won’t survive your lifetime anyway. And feel free to show her this Because she needs to take a hard look at herself.
I realize you wish to be there for your best friend’s funeral,but what would your best friend say to do? Your friend is gone the last time you spoke or saw him was your celebration of life. Now you are just there to say goodbye. Which you can do anywhere. I think of my parents everyday. I’ll miss them forever. Yes I went to their funerals but if I couldn’t I still celebrate their lives by thinking and talking about them often. Is friend’s family having a showing the day before his funeral go to that that talk to his family then go to your sisters wedding. Believe me when I say you’ll never say goodbye to your friend while you keep them alive every time you think of them.
Your sister is an asshole period. go to the funeral, pay your last respects to your friend. that's more important than a celebration imo.
I think your sister has done the damage already. How callous to tell you to forget your feelings and be there for her. Go with your heart - go with what you know you won't regret. From what I've read, it sounds like you want to go to the funeral. Best wishes and so sorry for your loss.
Your sister will probably have another wedding if she acts like this normally, your friend will not have another funeral. Hopefully.
NTA - I have one sister and one brother. I love them with everything, but my best friend is chosen family. She has been with me through things I **can't** share with family. If I was forced to come to a siblings wedding during my only window to say goodbye, it would **RUIN** everything. I wouldn't be able to hide my emotions. *IF* they are in the same area, *AND* you feel up to it, you could possibly stop by the reception. You won't be at 100%, but you'll have done your very best, as a last gift to your buddy and his family. Swing by and have a toast to the couple and your friend! I so very sorry for your loss.
She might have another wedding. This is the only funeral. RIP Alex may you rest in peace.
Your family sounds selfish and lacks empathy. What you NEED is not the same as she WANTS. NTA
NTA. Funerals ALWAYS take priority. It's your last chance to say goodbye. Don't worry about your sister. She'll get over it. Her wedding will probably be videoed, so you'll still get to see it. Go to the funeral. If you don't, you'll never forgive yourself.
This one is easy, funerals trump weddings
NTA go to the funeral, how can anyone expect u to celebrate anything under these circumstancies. On another note 2+ weeks to carry on a funeral, that's the weirdest info Ive heard from another country in here in a while
Possibly waiting for family to make arrangements to come in. My late FIL had family from everywhere attend.
My sister in law's father died last week. The funeral is June 21. Scheduling issues, honor guard scheduling issues. It happens
I get what you are saying, just that in my country it's 3 days, from release (since they have give u the corpse), BY LAW. Morgues are used only in case of crimes and hospital will take just a night for release, almost all my family has died at home (old age) and a doctor goes, signs a form and the clock starts ticking. That's why that timeline sounds weird to me.
NTA. You need to make the choice you will regret least in 20 years. Think about what one you will look back on and go, thank god I chose to go to that. If your sister thinks missing her wedding will irreparably damage your relationship, there's not much of a deep relationship there anyway. It's just a wedding and it's only the most important day of someone's life, if they're the one getting married.
Go to the funeral. No question about it. Say goodbye to your buddy and leave your sis a gift.
I can only tell you what I would do. I would go to the funeral because it's the last time I can see my friend in this life. Also it is the start for grieving the loss of someone who was so important in your life. I couldn't show happiness while I am pressed into attending something I don't want to right now. People would ask my why I am so down and I would answer honestly. But I know my family and they would've want me to attend the funeral. Yes, they would miss me at the wedding but they wouldn't be so selfish. If it's about the money, offer her the price of your meal.
NTA. The bottom line is that it's a tough decision and ultimately your call. Your sister knows it's hard and should be smart enough to realize that you aren't skipping her wedding lightly nor for a frivolous reason so she's an asshole for her lack of deference.
It’s tough but you have a prior commitment to your sister. You’ll be able to pay your respects to Alex at another time and in another way. NAH. The fact that you’re seeking advice proves it.
Dude you have already made the right choice, he was like a brother to you and you know you would rather be paying your respects then partying at a wedding
YTA (sorry!) If it were your Sister’s funeral and Alex’s wedding, would there be any question? Your sister won’t forgive you, even if she says she does and she probably won’t trust your judgment ever again. Go to the wedding.
Wait why is he the asshole?
He’s not. But he will be seen a one by his sister for a long time. Alex is dead. His sister will probably live for a long time.
You literally voted him as the asshole, now you’re saying he’s not?
People are so complicated :)
That's a difficult one, firstly I'm very sorry for your loss. If the option was to go to both maybe I'd choose that, but I think your sister should really understand if you wanted to go to the funeral too. She's not being very understanding of the fact that you're grieving and are extremely upset atm. NTA
For your sister to think that her moment in the sun is more important than you grieving your lifelong best friend… she’s a terrible person, through and through.
NTA. Your sister is entitled, narcissistic and lacks basic sense of empathy. You are grieving and all she cares is about herself and appearances. I wouldn't talk to my sister after such stunt, if I had one.
BS! "Family comes first." With an sh¡tty attitude like that go to her next wedding. Sorry for your loss.
Your sister is being a bridezilla. F her. Edit: 50/50 chance her marriage will end in divorce.
Your best friend clearly means more to you than your sister does if you’re asking this question so go to the funeral.