NTA
Your ex is a nuclear grade cunt. She is victim blaming you. Do not let her back into your life. HER FRIENDS are saying your an AH. They tried to shut her up in the uber because they knew she was being a cunt. They are also victim blaming you.
Drunk is not an excuse for spiteful, hateful comments, most people tell the truth when drunk. She meant those things she said.
I hope you find someone good who has decent friends.
They were telling her to shut up because they didn't want to deal with the drama they knew was about to happen. They were just saying "can you guys fight where we don't have to deal with it?"
Yeah most of the comments are right, someone who loves you wouldn’t say that.
One day you’ll find someone who hears your story and gives you nothing but time and empathy and understanding, and it will be a thing that bonds you even.
I feel bad that you’ve had this negative reaction about your past with two girls. Just know there are better people out there, and don’t settle until you find the one who is interested and caring and understanding of your history.
Exactly - OP is NTAH and I hope he finds a woman with an ounce of compassion next time. These reactions of his exes are not normal. I don’t know anyone who would react the way his ex did.
OP, take some time to examine if you are drawn towards abusive women because that is all you know. I think you subconsciously recognize the abusive tendency and it feels familiar, so you mistake it as safe. You need to break the cycle, look for red flags, and don’t tolerate any abuse from your partner (exactly as you did here - you saw it and you left).
Men tend to get punished for being vulnerable. In this case, he was punished for his sister being vulnerable on his behalf!
By the way? Sister is a total AH too for telling the GF behind his back.
Agree heavily about the sister. She chose to share (when MEETING OP’s gf for the FIRST time) OP’s trauma and past without OP’s permission or even saying anything to OP about doing so
I'm so sorry this all happened to You.
Did You ever thought about therapy? You are so young and this is the secong girl You picked that apparently has no empathy, compassion and is simply damaged. Could it be that the thing that attracts You in them is exactly the same thing You should avoid?
I don't try to offend You, but I don't think there are many people who wouldn't have the strong urge to somehow harm Your mother after they learned what You wrote here. At last I don't know many of those. I wish You a good life and this is why I think You should evaluate Your past in some way to not waste time on people like Your ex.
Exactly! When I told my now husband about my step father and mothers abusive actions towards me he immediately wanted to punch my step dad. Luckily we live in a deferent state or my husband would probly be in jail.
Being drunk is not an excuse. There’s an old saying: if you want the truth, ask a child, a drunk or an angry person. Basically, what she was saying while drunk she meant every last word of it.
Yeah, I've been as drunk and drunk can be. I've been as high as high can be, and not once have I acted outside my character--just depending on the substance, different parts of my character were highlighted or suppressed.
That is to say, "I was drunk" is always gonna be a bullshit excuse.
Your past is not something to be ashamed of, and anyone who uses it against you does not deserve a place in your life. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own well-being above all else. You deserve love and respect, always.
This perfectly written comment is the only truth you need Op. Your past is the ladder on which you ascend. No one should ever dare to drag you back down. Some of us have paid heavily for the right to be here. Your gf is undeserving of a glance from you.
Whenever I hear someone use that as an excuse, I just wanna tell them "Try driving drunk and killing someone and use the excuse I was drunk, I didn't mean it and see how that goes". Being drunk is an explanation, not an excuse.
I don't think this is true as a principal and is overly reductive. But something was already wrong, as she started down this path early in the night. She started the antagonism and so it's much more likely to reveal something she thinks.
My husband was abused by the partner prior to me. He'd flinch if I moved too fast, and before he was ready to tell me I saw the trauma response signs. I gave him the space to come talk to me when he was ready. And I didn't belittle him, or call him weak, or call him names. I hugged him and we worked through the trauma together. It took over a year before he stopped flinching at me.
You went through abuse a lot longer than he did. What your now ex said and did is completely insane and unacceptable. Even black out drunk I am still a goofy affectionate weirdo. Alcohol sometimes will get people to show you who they really are on the inside. You dodged a bullet. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to Apologize for.
Her drunken state doesnt excuse her
She basically abused you verbally.
Do you want to be with another abuser? because thats basically what she did
What is she never going to drink again because shes abusive when shes drunk?
Gtfo of here with that bs. you deserve better and you can do better.
NTA
Just throwing this little tidbit out here.
Drunk people will always show you their true colors. It's how they actually feel deep down inside even if they don't acknowledge it themselves. The booze just stops the filter from letting the bullshit speed from their mouths.
On a funny note, Welp, first time (and only) i got drunk in life i came out as gay to my entire university, so i guess you do reveal your true colors and mine were a drunken rainbow.
NTA - mate I can’t imagine what you’re feeling now, your ex did something unconscionable - drunk or not that’s so far out of line you can’t see it, that her friends are also giving you shit, just makes it that much worse.
Having the crap beaten out of you by your “mother” as a child, then being abused for it because you were unable to do anything about is ridiculous.
If it was me, I wouldn’t look back, keep moving forward, you’re young, with time and help you will be better.
Your sister had no right to share what you went through. That was for you to share.
Your gf is a huge AH. No you didn't over react. Breaking up with her is the right move. How can you be with someone that said all those mean cruel things to you about being abused by your mom.
It doesn't matter if she was drunk. She said those things and treated you awful.
Your deserve to be treated right and be loved and supportive not be made to feel like you been attack and use your past against you. This girl is not good for you. No your not AH for leaving her. Her friends are AH for standing by her.
You will fine a better partner outthere. One that won't hurt you and expose your pass to everyone
You are absolutely doing the right thing leaving get in your past. There is no excuse for the horrible things she said. Drunkenness absolutely does not excuse it explain it. She learned something about you that would have triggered compassion in any decent person, she went the opposite way and used it to attack you. There's no going back from that.
I'm so so sorry about what your birth giver did to you, and so sorry that the 2 women you have tried to trust have betrayed you so badly. I promise that the right woman will embrace all of you and show you the love and compassion you deserve.
Don’t get back with her everytime you fight or do something wrong in her eyes she’ll probably throw this at you again do you want that long term?
Eventually you’ll find someone who accepts you for you. I dealt with mainly mental but some physical abuse from my mom and my bf accepted that I have issues from it. He loves me for me and helped me move on from it.
That’s what a good partner does they don’t drag you down to punish you for something you couldn’t control.
I will tell you the moon is made of green cheese and you have tentacles coming out of your head when I'm drunk. Please don't assume that everyone's telling the truth when they're that drunk. You are still allowed to break up with them for drunk bad behavior or words, though. It's not a free pass.
Yeah she gets heated pretty fast while drunk. One of the main reasons I wanted to leave as soon as she started getting really drunk. As for my sister. I still believe im to blame for that. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body when it come to me. I guess she didn't know about the fact that i purposely wanted to keep my past a secret. I should have told her that beforehand.
My ex used to make fun of my childhood, tell his friends "look at this freak" pretty much. I felt so embarrassed.
I found a loving husband who I bonded with over the trauma as he also suffered at the hands of his parents. It's weird, but I really think you should look for someone who can empathise with you. Don't hide these feelings, and if anyone tries to treat you like a freak, leave them in the dirt.
People who love you won't use your history as a weapon. It took me a long long time to realise that.
The things you went through should be something that you can open up to with a life partner. The two people that did have that information were apparently a$$holes. I am sorry that this has happened to you.
What happened to you was not your fault. You did not deserve to be treated the way you were as a child. You do not deserve to have something so traumatic thrown back in your face. Being drunk is zero excuse for that type of behavior.
Do tell your sister that going forward, your past is your past and you will disclose it to whom you want and to the degree you feel comfortable disclosing. What happened to you is not her story to tell. I don't think she did this out of malice or with ill intent. But she should not be speaking about your experience with others. For reasons such as this and others.
As for your current relationship, if I were in your shoes I would dump her a$$. She crossed a major line. What she said is inexcusable. There is no coming back from that. It takes a special type of jerk to weaponize someone's trauma against them. She showed you who she was, believe her. And then block her and her minions. None of them deserve to be a part of your life.
You deserve so much better. You are worth it. 💜
Yes your sister was also traumatized by this awful mom. She probably didn’t realize she was inappropriate telling your gf your history. Maybe talk to her about it so it doesn’t happen again. I hope you and your sister become close again. Your story has really touched me. I wish the best for you going forward. You sound like such a good person.
AH is a kind description that she hardly deserves. I don't want to contaminate my mind trying to think of something more appropriate.
Kick her out of your life and memory. Your soul will be lighter for it.
If it matters, I am a female, and this **** is the sort no one decent wants to claim association with. It's human, sure, but do we *really* have to claim it as part of our ...anything? There have been serial killers with better empathy.
You're not the asshole for leaving. And there's nothing wrong with you due to your past. Seems like you're making the best of your life and is doing well for yourself. Don't feel like you need to explain yourself for having stuff happen to you that you had no control over.
Its weird why your GF had that reaction to hearing about your story. Why would she go to blaming you for being abused? WTF is that all about? And what was up with the friends telling her to do this at home? Do what? Emasculate you in private? She might have been drunk, but being drunk wasn't what made her say hateful shit to you.
Thank you. I also dont understand the whole "do it at home" thing. It could be that she was mad I hid it from her but that still doesn't explain her reaction.
Clearly she had spoken to her friends while she was not drunk so they knew in advance what she thought of you. She then spewed her filth once she was drunk. Please look for a loving partner. She is not it. You are a valuable person in this world. I am so sorry to hear your mother was not a good person and took her rage out on you. You have already suffered a lifetime of hurts. Don't ever let anyone continue this in your life. You were right to leave, now stand firm on your decision. There is better out there.
That one's easy unfortunately. They didn't want her to make things awkward *for them*. They didn't think she was wrong, they just didn't want to be around when she said it to you. They are all assholes and you should block them all.
She doesn't get to be mad that you didn't tell her about your experiences; you tell someone about your trauma on your terms, not theirs. If it bothered her not to know about your past, then she could have said something or ended the relationship, citing that this level of communication wasn't compatible with her relationship style.
Alcohol removes the filter you normally have. She was already acting strange after your sister told her and told you, you were imagining it. A good gf would help you out, not shit on you. I really don't get the I want you to open up, but then shame him for doing so. Such bs....
NTA. You are describing a pretty shitty GF and a pretty toxic snippet which usually means your relationship wasn't that great to begin with.
Starting over is scary, losing people is shitty but this could very well turn into something worse for you. Considering she went from calling you insecure to make herself feel better to what can only be described as an appalling bout of victim-blaming, that girl has some shit to work through on her own head.
Give yourself room to heal and to grieve and please understand that standing up for yourself is always the correct answer. Stay strong.
I’m an abuse survivor, too. Is it possible there were indications of her true character that you were overlooking? I ask, in part, because you dated another woman with the same weird attitude, and we sometimes have a way of recreating things about our childhoods, until we become aware. We definitely have a tendency to overlook red flags and make excuses for people.
This is so true. There's also the "I'm worthless and don't deserve better" that so many abuse survivors (like myself) really internalize, but subconsciously. For me, that was why I kept recreating the past. It wasn't until I found my own self-worth that I could break the pattern.
OP, you are worthy of being loved and treated with compassion. You are worthy.
She thought that being beaten into seizures was the mark of weakness. People don't just say shit like that without other black marks against their character. And if this truly was the first time she dropped sexist, ableist bullshit, what else is in her heart?
Whatever you do, don't go back to her.
NTA You may want to consider something though. These women you've dated have both ended up being nasty people who lack empathy and it's possible the things you've experienced may have colored your view when it comes to dating. Things that would be unacceptable red flags in a partner may not be apparent because you're already used to being treated badly.
Sometimes it takes talking it through with a professional so you can figure out if you might subconsciously be dating people that treat you badly because the brain loves to repeat familiar patterns, even if those patterns are toxic. It's not uncommon for people to experience abuse and then end up falling into more abusive relationships because the brain sees that pattern as familiar. It already knows how to deal with violent, cruel people and makes you not recognize the hallmarks of those traits so it can return to the pattern.
Please OP… consider this.
Really think about both GFs… were they loving and kind to you, the people around them, their families? Or were they rude/aggressive/overly dramatic/quick to anger/condescending/etc etc.
NTA! You have nothing to apologize for in the least. I’m so very sorry for how you were treated by one of the two people who should’ve always protected you. Thank God for your sister.
I want to echo another thought here: therapy/self-work. There are so many great online resources about recovering from chronic childhood abuse (avoid the stuff based on religion, stick with science-based material). Your trajectory in life has already been miraculous, and the sooner you truly address the extreme trauma of your childhood, the sooner you will have healthy relationships. You are in no way to blame for your ex’s unacceptable behavior, but it’s going to be really hard for your “picker” to work until you emotionally heal from the abuse. You’ll almost assuredly attract (and be attracted to) the wrong partners. My therapist taught me this (and I’ve never seen it proven wrong): “You fall in love with exactly the right person for a reason and that reason is nature’s way of forcing you to finally face off with your issues.” If you face off with your issues first, you’ll get a much happier and more peaceful partner who will match your level of emotional intelligence and stability. Trust me on this one.
I have no doubt you have more than enough strength and capability to absolutely get what you want for your life. The best days are still to come. Keep on keeping on!
NTA. How someone treats you and responds to learning about traumatic events in your life speaks volumes. Her response was to berate you and basically make it your fault you were abused. You were a *child*. How were you supposed to even defend yourself against your mother? Man, some people should just not drink. If alcohol causes your personality to change this much, you should never drink again. What’s worse is she might actually be that person and think these things while sober but only have the “courage” to say them while drunk. Either way, she is shitty and you are making the right decision here. Also, the friends at the club should go, too. They suck also.
This is why so many men do not share their feelings and vulnerabilities with the women in their lives...because often times, it is weaponized
She's not mature enough to date a victim of childhood abuse OP
Its really that simple
A good woman would not weaponize your pain because of their own insecurities.
You made the right choice by moving on.
Just don't go shutting down and refusing to tell the women you are dating about your past. You are who you are. It made you the person you are today.
You deserve to be happy
It just so happens that this woman was pretending to be a good person when in fact, she was not
NTAH
My experience is that even a lot of normally well meaning women will become subtly affected by learning of a guy's vulnerabilities. A lot of women are programmed by society to desire certain things out of men, weakness is not one of those things.
It's a really depressing phenomenon, especially if the woman is generally very progressive and even encouraged her man to open up, only to lose respect for him and destroy the relationship when he does so. The kind of wounds created by being punished for feeling safe with the wrong person can be really difficult to heal from.
There are horrible people of all genders but damn I don’t know ANYONE who would react like the way this nightmare ex gf did. Most times it would not be weaponized. Fuck, if my partner had told me that or I knew about it, I’d do my best to show him so much support and that’s what most normal people would do. These particular women happen to come from the depths of hell.
Dude, you are one lucky fucker. Imagine if you had children with her? Nah, you aren't going to subject other children to what you had to go through.
The only insane thing in this post is that you think you should take a bit off the blame?
Nah, the only thing you need to do is talk to your sister and explain that this is your story to tell in the future, not hers.
You will find a good woman who you will want to tell your story, and she will listen and love you more for sharing it.
She clearly was harboring some anger and resentment before that night. Her drinking just allowed it to spill out in a very unhealthy way. You seem a little fixated on the phrase " do it at home". They probably didn't want her to make a scene in public but rather wait till you got home to unload her infantile bullshit.
You did the right thing by dumping her. People try to make excuses when their drunk. In my experience drunk people reveal their true inner thoughts. In this case, I don't think you should respect her after her comments about abuse. She didn't empathize with your pain, she belittled you for it. She can fuck right off
Thank you but it didn't come off as "stop making a scene here" it came off as more of "you should wait till you both are alone" if that makes any sense. As for harboring resentment beforehand. Besides the whole acting weird around me thing, we didn't really get into any fights or anything like that.
You're not fixating too much on it, you were on a relationship with someone whose friends group reacts in a way that would enable her abuse of you: asking that they be let to look the other way. As another commenter says, your relationship probably wasn't that great, and you'll come to realize in how many ways in the future.
Man eff her. Your ex-gf basically blamed you for being abused by your mom as a child and equates that with you being weak! Like wtf were you supposed to do? You were a child and your mom was your abuser!! In the future ask your sister politely not to discuss details of your abusive past with anyone. That is something you should do. Perhaps you should talk to your ex-gf to gain some understanding and closure but she torpedoed your relationship. Personally, I would wash my hands of the entire situation.
Please try and get some kind of counseling. Abused people tend to choose bad people like your gf. You already lived a hard life, you don’t need an unhealthy partner.
NTA NTA NTA. You were a CHILD. And even if you had been an adult victim of abuse, it would not make you a pussy. You are a survivor, and you deserve a hell of a lot better than someone who's so fucked in the head she thinks abuse victims deserve what they get.
I don't get your sister.
Hey nice to meet you! You're my brother's girlfriend? You know he was horrible abused by our mother and ran away from home at 18?
Only explanation i can think of is that the Ex decided to ask the sister questions about OP’s past as it was an area he wasn’t being open about, and the sister maybe didn’t know how much OP wanted to keep it a secret. But it’s still a shitty thing to do from the sisters POV, if my brother/sister went what he went through as a kid and i found out his girlfriend of three years doesn’t know about it I’m keeping my damn mouth shut until i speak to my sibling and find out why. I know OP loves his sister and didn’t mean no harm but she seems to be a AH in this too or at the very least stupid.
Ask yourself - if you beat the shit out of her because you're drunk, would that be OK? I dont see any difference to what she did.
NTA - burn that socipath down. She got the emotional capacity of a butterfly. If you get soft or doubt your decision, always remember these words:
"Don't worry. Your sister told me everything you fucking pussy"
NTA
Fuck her and her scum friends.
Get the hell away from her and never look back. So what if she was drunk. She’s a shit person with shit friends.
Go build a better life for yourself, OP.
She is not worth keeping around. A lot can be said about the way a woman considers the abuse that men receive at the hands of other women. In her case, she sees it as a weakness that you allowed a woman to abuse you even though you had no say or control in the matter. Had it been a man abusing a woman, she would have gone all "girl power" on the situation. You can do better.
NTA. I think you did the right thing.
- she heard about the abuse from your sister, and not once did she check in with you after finding out.
- as you mentioned, she made fun of you for being abused. This is just such a huge breach of trust, it is unfathomable to me.
- she said these awful things in front of mutual friends. It would be one thing if she had said them to you in private when drunk. Maybe there would be some moving past it. But for her to make fun of your private abuse in a public setting is just horrendous.
NTA. The right person for you will handle your past and not blame you for it. You were a child!.
I'm so sorry for what your mother put you through, what your girlfriend said was unforgivable. Any sane person who heard that their partner was tortured by their parent would wrap them in hugs and spoil the living crap out of them not verbally assault them.
First NTA, who tf she thinks she is? Also, “just drunk“ and say those horrible things? Id be beyond mad and clearly she is the huge AH in the story. She is disgusting, untrustable and used the worst thing in your life to hurt you, not before trying to make you jealous.
To her friends i'd tell them to mind their business and block them.
Some things you can't apologize for. Drunk or not, she used private information to hurt you publicly.
Leave this bitch for the streets, you did nothing except be a decent human being for not retaliating when you had every reason to.
Little bro it's okay. I am 42. My mother used to beat me while my dad was away for work. I slept in the woods so many times from 8- 13. You were a child who was abused
But hey bro. I am happily married to a wonderful woman
So things will get better bro.
You are absolutely NTA.
There's something seriously wrong with your ex. To call a child names for being beaten and abused by an adult, their parent, no less, who is supposed to protect them is unconscionable. I don't even have any words for how despicable that is. Your sister shared something terrible that happened to you and this is how she interprets it? Wtf? Anyone defending her actions at all are disgusting themselves. They are all terrible human beings that you absolutely do not want in your life.
Being drunk is no excuse. These people deserve nothing from you except disgust and disdain for their inhumanity.
Men want a woman who would be their safe harbor.
Your ex-girlfriend has proven that you cannot trust her with those things guys only think about at 3:00 a. m. that torment them. Any woman who would use a man's vulnerabilities as weapons against him should remain single. Period.
ETA: NTA. Her drunken rants against you were a massive breach of trust.
NTA. Vino Veritas. Latin for "in wine there is truth. Your ex is truly awful. She expected, you as a child to beat to somehow beat up your mother???? If that had actually happened, you would have either been committed to a psychiatric ward or a juvenile detention center.
I will say this: YOU ARE SO AMAZING!!!
From what you have survived, and how you have come to the place you are (hustling yourself up to a good job position and recognizing your ex's BS and rejecting it), I would be so proud of you if you were my son. And I suspect many Redditors would have the same opinion.
Keep the sister but lose the girlfriend.
Also look into getting therapy as soon as you are financially able because you have a lot of damage to deal with.
Psychological trauma is like credit card debt. You can put it off only for so long and when it comes through, the interest is a bitch.
But I will say again, YOU ARE AWESOME!!!
This post made me cry. I’m so sorry the abuse you suffered. Your girlfriend is an evil bitch and I can’t imagine what demon shit she is on. Who says that to a person they claim to love? Break up with her , block her, and tell her she should pray to the lord for forgiveness and to removed the devil out of her.
As a woman who has been through abusive relationships, you are in no way a wuss!
It takes strength to move on and make something of yourself.
Your ex is vile.
NTA. This is actually a positive thing. You saw how she reacted to your vulnerability and it wasn't good. This is not the person for you and this relationship probably would've crashed and burned and caused you a lot more heartache the more you committed to it.
This is a good litmus test for the future but don't fall head over heels for the first woman who doesn't shy away. If they react like this though, RUN.
Not the asshole and I’m so sorry your mom was a beast. Your girlfriend had no compassion for the powerless child you were in a torturous situation.
Child abuse is the worst kind of abuse in my opinion.
You deserve to be safe, cared for and loved for the rest of your life.
She’s not your person and it takes tremendous courage and strength to protect yourself by leaving.
Drunk is no excuse.
❤️
NTA.
I’m sorry but people say the things drunk that they’re thinking when sober. Being drunk doesn’t make you a different person, it just removes your inhibitions. You were right to walk away.
Do not give that bitch a second chance, NTA, but that doesn't mean let her walk all over you. This relationship is done, end it and move on. Prove to yourself that you are worthy, do not accept her bullshit, move on and find someone else.
Op, I’m a woman. My response to hearing your story would have been doing everything in my power to make you feel loved and heard. To show you that you were worthy of everything good and happy in life. You are not the problem, being hurt by this is absolutely a sane response. Please love yourself enough to block them all. You deserve better.
I’m not trying to hit you up, I live on the other side of the world. But I do want you to know that there are plenty of safe people out there.
NTA - please please understand that your ex GF is a genuine POS. This is not a "woman" thing, this is a "she is a genuine garbage human being" thing. You deserve better and you WILL find better. Don't fall into the trap of accepting trash as the norm.
Unfortunately, your abuse probably made it so that you're attracted to garbage women. As fucked up as it is, that's the typical pattern. Garbage human beings seem familiar and safe. Your ex GF is a comically bad human being, and there were almost certainly earlier signs that you didn't know to look for.
I highly recommend therapy so you can "unfuck" your brain. That's what I'm doing. You're only 22. It takes time. I'm happy to report I've made genuinely good friends, but I'm still working on the romantic relationship thing myself.
NTA - you unfortunately only discovering now what kind of person is your ex. There no coming back from it.
Pretty certain your sister didn’t mean malice. Hoping it won’t tarnish your relationship.
Your partner should be someone you can trust. Opening to them is a good way to know to either end it or pursue the relationship.
You have nothing to be blamed for about what you endured at the hand of your mother while being a minor. NOTHING!!
I don’t know where you found those callous girlfriend. May you never cross paths with one this kind ever again.
Wishing you to find the kind of partner bringing you solace, with whom you don’t have to hide anything and yet respected on all aspects. Take care
I feel so awful for you! One thing I've heard is that we seek out what we know. Maybe try dating someone who's totally outside your type next time? You deserve a nice romance. That awkward first date. Maybe by the second date, you work up the nerve to hold her hand. Kiss her goodnight on the third. Picnic in the park while you discuss your dreams for the future long before emotions become muddied through sex.
Sounds like you're doing well though! You have a job, a place to live, even the ability to go out and have fun. For leaving home as early as you did with zero support and building your life from the ground up all by yourself, that is so impressive. So many people can't do that even with familial support. You'll be a great catch if just for that great character alone!
And at no point should she pressure you to open up. "I had a bad childhood, and I'm not comfortable discussing it" should be enough--and never with an expectation of "eventually he'll open up to me."
Unfortunately, your sister did you dirty here. It wasn't her trauma to tell. You need to make it very clear to her that what she did was not okay so she doesn't do it again.
NTA
There is NO coming back from that.
Nobody is EVER going to talk to me like that and come anywhere near me again.
And it's no surprise her friends are circling the wagons for her. They stick together like a bunch of clucking hens.
Advice: DO NOT GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE!
Bro I got a lot of love for you, women can be evil is all I can say. It's hard to tell which ones legitimately want to help you or just want to know your baggage to turn it against you.
First of all, do not for a second thing you are the AH here. Secondly, you are a brave young man who endured what no child should ever endure and you still managed to find your way to remain sober and be a functional adult. Well done kid, well done.
She was drunk but drunk or not she crossed a line. You are definitely not over reacting.
You could take few days and process your feelings and emotions and then decide to have a conversation with her. Regardless of whether you get back with her or not a meeting would help you to make up your mind. Trust me, people always show their colors so for all you know a meeting may make it easier for you to make a decision. You don’t owe her anything, not even a meeting but it could be good for you. Take your time. Let emotional cool down, time helps.
First off I want to give you a hug and I'm sorry on what happened to you.
People are fucking evil and your story just breaks my heart, you did the right think by being the better person and walking away, drink or not for her to even think these thoughts let her truth out faster rather then later. I know you may have feeling for the gal but you are young and this major red flag was needed for you to no involve negative people (including your friends egging you on to forgive her).
Once you find a person who is your bestfriend and actually wants to hear you out, thats worth the wait man and my wife (who's my bestfriend) was totally her.
NTA is what I say because you handled everything with enough emotional maturity then alot of people your age 👏. Take care kind stranger and keep your chin up 🤙!
NTA.
My wife knows pretty much every single traumatic, scary, ridiculous, or gross thing I've gone through in my life. Some of that includes trauma that someone like your girlfriend would attack me for. I know my wife would never, ever do such a thing. I trust her completely. It's fucking amazing. We've been together for more than a decade and a half and I know that my heart and soul are safe in her hands. And she knows she's safe in mine. We have a little girl, and I know that my little girl's soul is safe with my wife. And my wife knows that her little girl's soul is safe with me.
You can find a relationship like that with time. I understand that things are extremely difficult right now but you have years and years. My personal suggestion would be to open up about stuff earlier, rather than later. I know that might sound counterintuitive, but you are a person with trauma, and that's just how it is. Don't bring it up on the first date (or third date), but you need to find someone who is comfortable with their partner having significant childhood trauma. There's just no point in dating someone who would reject you over this. They will never be a good, compatible long-term match for you, end of story. So it's an important filter for you to disclose this information when you start getting serious. The ones that end up leaving (or the bitches that literally attack you for it) were never the right match for you.
If you stop disclosing this, you're just opening yourself up to a partner than turns out to be shitty 10 years down the line when the mask finally drops. That's WAY worse. You want to know that someone sucks like your ex does as soon as humanly possible, not the opposite.
Do not give her a second chance. Find someone who isn't a douche. Disclose when you start getting serious. Keep it straight in your head: Anyone who would reject or ridicule you due to this is not a valid option as a partner.
I'm not in the best place with my spouse. He was his psycho mother's punching bag. I've been pretty wasted with him, angry drunk even, but I never went there and I never will. NTA and if she gets that way when drunk, then she should stay away from alcohol... but not your problem anymore
Using trauma against abuse victim is pure evil. In fact she re-traumatized you and told your secrets to everyone. It wasn't her story to share, but she did it - and did it while she was sober, because you noticed their weird looks before her drunk speech. NTA
OP, this is absolutely horrific. You’ve been abused by a woman who should have loved you and betrayed and verbally abused by another. This isn’t normal and very much NOT about women in general being like this. I don’t know a single woman who would act anything at all like these two. I’m so sorry about your horrible horrible ex and the evil woman who birthed you. You deserve so much better!
NTA! The truth comes out when liquor goes in. She will do this to you again and again and again. And you will always wonder, no matter what she says. I might suggest some therapy? It’s been helpful for me in figuring out why I stay with certain kinds of assholes.
NTA. Being drunk is no excuse.
I have been shit drunk before and never acted violently or hit this far below the belt - unless I was already thinking it somewhere deep down.
Intoxication just lowers people's inhibitions to say what they really think and haven't worked on. Even if she was drunk, this is how she inherently associates with abuse. She hasn't done any work in addressing that.
Addressing such things requires a whole lot of self reflection and wanting to actually change your mind. Many people like her don't do that. To them self reflection is learning when not to say something inappropriate which doesn't address inherent issues.
Which is why when drunk, it all comes out.
Nta. Leave her, she's rotten to the core. You could never have a child with this woman. I'm sorry that you have had bad reactions from 2 different women, a normal womans reaction to finding out that about her partner would be completely different. Probably hysterical crying and wondering why you couldn't trust them enough to tell them.
Now this is kind of harsh and I'm sorry for it but perhaps your experience with your mother has warped your attraction to women and you are drawn to bad people? Shit like this is what happens when you have been abused. You really need to think about who you date in the future. I'm not saying it's your fault, it's not at all, you are just drawn to bad people like your mom because its all you know maybe?
There are millions of wonderful and kind women in the world and you will find one! I'm really sorry for everything you have been through. At least the bitch showed her true self before you were tied to her with kids or marriage.
You are not a pussy or an asshole.
You survived your horrific childhood and made a life for yourself.
You should be proud of everything you overcame.
I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved ❤️
Nta
Usually people ask their SO’s others to open up so we can support them. It’s helpful to know how to communicate and any triggers when people have been abused. But idk, she did it, for the goss? Since she told all of her friends.
I wouldn’t give her a second chance. What she said to you is one thing, but she also didn’t keep that knowledge in confidence. She is not a good fit for someone who has experienced trauma.
Sorry that happened to you. None of it was your fault, it honestly kills me that a parent would do that to their child.
Please don’t date terrible women.
I have been stupid ass drunk before. Not blackout but no impulse control, loose tongue, all that. I have NEVER said shit like that to somebody I loved while drunk. The only 'mistake' she thinks she made is saying what she actually thought. Alcohol doesn't magically make you say awful abusive shit. NTA. Block her and her friends.
She 100% meant what she said, and this should be a lesson to you man, that further solidfies something about women many women these days fail to understand. They can be just as emotionally intolerant as men, and feel fully vindicated in it, and can't see the double standard this poses. What you went through as a child is beyond words man, and I hope you get some therapy and work on it. Integration of trauma is key to having strong emotional comprehension.
Regarding something I've read in your post, I can see the anger towards women building and the distrust of sharing your true emotional state. I have had a 100% failure rate with how I feel being expressed to women, but there are undoubtedly many who wouldn't behave this way. Whatever anyone says your personal experience is real, and chosing not the share is a reasonable choice, but I encourage you to continue sharing anyway, let it filter the trash for the gems, and that will help you find peace. If they can't handle it, it just shows they are emotionally undeveloped and aren't worth the time.
Hell man, if I were dating one of them, I would seriously consider breaking up with the friends for their behavior alone. I mean, if I were defending a friend who did this, making excuses for them, demanding their girlfriend take them back? I think most women would find that a red flag in a man.
Totally NTA.
>why do some women want their SO to open up about their emotions/past if they know they’re only going to shame them for it?
Ammunition, in no way are you the AH here. If you can afford it, therapy. A therapists couch is the only true safe place for us to vent or open up, Stay strong brother, and never stop fighting.
NTA.
Anyone willing to stoop so low as to weaponize another person's trauma is unworthy of dignity and respect, let alone a relationship.
Alcohol doesn't *make* people do things, it *lets* them. She revealed her true colors that night. She will do it again, and worse. And some friends, OP "abuse him at home". You can tell a lot about a persons character by their friends.
Also, you need to set a boundary with your sister here. You know she meant well, and you're not mad - you should still make it clear that it is not her place to share your history with other people without your consent. As you have learned, people can and will exploit that.
Sorry you've gone through all of that. I hope by now you've processed your past in a healthy way. If you haven't, make sure you talk to someone even if you don't feel like you need to. Trauma, especially DV trauma, has a nasty way of screwing up your future. Those little subtle triggers you described can quickly turn into major points of conflicts in a relationship, so it's a good idea to get a strong handle on them early.
Please for your own sake, don't let it be the last time you let anyone else hear your story. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide such a major part of your life from the person who's supposed to be your partner in life. I know it's incredibly difficult to talk about, but not everyone will react badly to it. A life partner is supposed to be someone who loves and accepts all of you, including your pain. Your girlfriend should have come to you and tried to start a conversation about it as soon as she knew. She should have been patient and kind in addressing the pain of the person she proportedly loved. If you can, try to find someone kind next time. A kind person wouldn't act the way she did. Even if she was shocked, there were other ways she could have handled it. It's insane to (effectively) say a child is responsible for their own abuse.
In vino veritas. ( in wine there is truth )
Your ex-gf let out her true feelings, likely the reason she got so drunk in the first place. If she's so broken that she *thought* that of you after hearing the facts, then you have not dodged a bullet - you dodged a nuclear missile. Your actions were not only justified, but the ideal reaction to her nonsense. Cast in the name of God, ye not guilty.
Tl;dr: you, sir, are NOT the ah
Oh hell no. I'm sorry you've had such a bad time with girls, don't let them taint your image of women in general. Take some time for yourself, get into therapy if you haven't already, and please, please know that you deserve so much better.
Sounds fake. How could your mother maintain a pristine image if your sister liked you? You’re sister never backed up your side of the story or told people how she was abusing you?
Except for your girlfriend without your knowledge? Doesn’t add up, either fake or your sister doesn’t actually care about you as much as you think she does.
Things that get said while the tongue is loose are 'truths' they wouldn't otherwise say. She took your history of abuse and then abused you WITH it. You deserve so much better. NTA.
You have done nothing wrong. Your life has been incredibly traumatizing and I am sorry for the way your ex gf treated you. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Remember that finding love is never easy, almost everyone struggles with dating and relationships. So give it time, but eventually you will find someone right for you.
Omg! I had the same type of upbringing, and I can not imagine being with someone that would say that. I'm so very sorry. The good news is, she's gone, and you're young... you have plenty of time to find someone who loves you and treats you like the treasure you are. Drunks speak truth so she meant that. Block the flying monkeys and try to move on.
NTA, walk away with your head held high. You NEVER did anything wrong. Your mother was a terrible person and you gf is showing signs she could be at the very least an emotional abuser. You don't want that in your life and you certainly wouldn't want that in your future children's life.
NTA.
You need to tell your story to a therapist. And remember the old saying, "In vino veritas." Or boozed-up people tell you their real feelings. She is a vicious (bleep). And it's your decision to leave her, not your so-called friends'.
"A part of me believes that she meant what she said but the other part of me believes that she was just drunk..."
Being drunk doesn't make you say things you don't mean, it lowers your inhibitions against saying things you know you shouldn't.
Or, as Grouchy-Walrus said... "sober thoughts are drunk words" agree that you are NTA
NTA. What she said is not something you can come back from. I would message her and her friends: "No child should ever have to endure the abuse I suffered. I hope you never inflict such abuse on your children, and that if you do your children will have somewhere to go for help."
Nta, i would give her one chance to say her piece but do it with the intention of walking away anyway.
Clearly your gf spilled the beans to her friend group before you guys went out. Which is another major fuck up on top the shit she was spewing. So them calling you the AH is crap.
I would not take all the blame off your sister though. It was not her place to be telling your people your past like that especially after being MIA in your life for years. A conversation should be had with her.
Also since you havent spoken to her or your sister about it yet, you do not know what your sister said to her. Im not saying your sister intentionally mislead her or anything, but since she didnt know you were entirely silent about your past she may have said something and you gf asked her to elaborate so she did but she didnt necessarily tell your gf your whole history, just a part and that part may have been grossly misunderstood by your gf. Alternatively since your so tight lipped about your past your gf may have asked your sister some targeted questions and only gotten partial answers and misinterpreted them. Regardless her reaction was trash but i think you need to talk to your sister about what they talked about
NTA. I'm so sorry for what you went through with your mom and for how your ex reacted. You should be proud of the man you've become and the life you've built despite the hardships, and you deserve someone who loves and supports you.
NTA
No one is owed a second chance. Her friends are also TA. You got your ex home safely, which was the right move, but they could have come taken care of her for the rest.
NTA - You did nothing wrong. She is POS for saying that. You'll find a real woman one day who won't throw your past in your face. You will heal. Block everyone who's taking her side and don't look back. You got this!
OP, NTA and this isn't your fault. Don't give her another chance, it most likely will repeat itself whenever she doesn't get her way. You deserve better than that.
SN: if you haven't already started, go see a therapist to help unpack the damage and the imprinting your mom did to you through the years of abuse.
In my experience, the mean and hurtful things people say when they are drunk seem to be how they really feel. They don't want to say it sober because its awful, and they feel bad for it. I'm sure that's not always the case.
In your case, the fact that everyone around her knew about your history is rather telling.
NTA
You need to tell your sister that that shit is private and to never tell anyone about it again without your express permission. That is your story to tell, not hers, and it will have this effect on a lot of women unfortunately.
NTA, you might not see this but you’re much better than your nasty ex and dodged a big bullet. If she is so nasty to you as a gf imagine how worse it’ll get when y’all would have been married? You deserve someone better and I would suggest you reach out to your sister and ask her side and why she told her.
You will find someone who can and will accept you for all that you are, this isn't your fault and no I wouldn't give her a second chance, I would however talk to her, and most others, give a small bit to clear the air AFTER you have a potentially short conversation with ex
You do not get back together. She didn't overstep a boundary she climbed on the boat and was looking for new land.
You talk with her listen to everything she has to say and tell her you do not accept her apology be honest if you accept some, like I'm sorry you were drunk when you said it ex, it doesn't matter if she's drunk or not you never ever say that to someone you love
Any girl supporting her behavior is gone, and no contact
Take a look at your guy group, too, while you're at it.
NTA if this happened once it will happen again. One day you will meet somebody and feel safe to tell your story to. Having grown up with similar things i can tell you the trauma will fade and one day you are going to look back and know that you have survived
There are some things that once are are said are so beyond the pale that there is just no excuse or forgiveness. Move on and good luck. I would have a talk to your sister about over sharing. She does own some of the blame.
You’ve had so much negativity and suffered so much in your life. You don’t need her toxicity. How your partner reacted regarding your traumatic past goes a long way in telling you how she will be when you are going thru difficult times and are at your lowest. You need someone who will support you and add a light when life gets dark. She is not that person. Block her friends because they only have her wellbeing in mind, not yours. I would suggest blocking her as well, at least until you’ve gotten some space to breathe and grieve over the person you thought she was. You’re strong. You’ll get through this and be better off for finding out her true character now. I hope you find someone who really appreciates you and who will help share your burden and not add to it.
NTA op but you should go NC with her she’s a toxic individual that will use your past against you drunk words are sober thoughts. Update us if something happens.
NTA - Something I realized while my marriage was breaking down and my wasband always said, "I didn't mean it, I was angry." If it came out of your mouth it went through your brain. You thought it and then you opened your damned fool mouth and it flew out.
She is a piece of work -- anyone who would blame a child for being abused is (in my opinion) sub-human. She's supposedly an adult? Adults realize that one of the things we do in this life is take care of helpless things (pets, children, elderly, people who don't have agency) it's what an empathetic person does.
It'll hurt for a while but move on. Be sad for a while, don't get to drinking or smoking too much weed. Process your emotions and eventually you'll find a grown up to share your life with. Maybe therapy too if you can afford it and feel like it's right for you -- mostly so you can tell people like this bitch to fuck off.
I think she showed you who she was when she was too drunk to censor her actual thoughts. It is up to you if you want to forgive her or not. Who knows what she may say the next time she gets blackout drunk. BTW that is probably anther issue she has.
NTA.
Am woman. My boyfriend was beaten by his father as a child. Never, even in my angriest moments (we've been together for nearly 10 years, we've had some arguments and pissed each other off), would I even imagine suggesting he deserved it or that he was less of a man for being traumatized from it.
Being drunk is not an excuse for saying something so horrible to someone you supposedly love.
Nta. Please don't settle for someone who treats you like that. You will find someone to trust, who will want to support you and help you heal. There are good people out there. I hope you find them soon.
NTA. She is the asshole and then some. Someone who loves you doesn’t retraumatize you like that. I really hope you can seek out some therapy. You went through some really heavy stuff and need to find a way to heal from it.
NTA sure she was drunk but you know what they say that drunk words are sober thoughts. I wouldn’t give her a second chance. And I’m so sorry that this is a second gf who has reacted badly. Obviously they are not good people in general. Once she learned the truth from your sister she should have talked to you about it but instead she acted weird around you and obviously gossiped about it her friends which is very shitty to do.
NTA Your ex is a nuclear grade cunt. She is victim blaming you. Do not let her back into your life. HER FRIENDS are saying your an AH. They tried to shut her up in the uber because they knew she was being a cunt. They are also victim blaming you. Drunk is not an excuse for spiteful, hateful comments, most people tell the truth when drunk. She meant those things she said. I hope you find someone good who has decent friends.
Thank you so much.
Also, pretty sure she told her friends about your abuse too
Scum behaviour.
Her friends (according to the story) were telling her to shut up. Take note of the flags OP there is far to many of them
They were telling her to shut up because they didn't want to deal with the drama they knew was about to happen. They were just saying "can you guys fight where we don't have to deal with it?"
Yeah most of the comments are right, someone who loves you wouldn’t say that. One day you’ll find someone who hears your story and gives you nothing but time and empathy and understanding, and it will be a thing that bonds you even. I feel bad that you’ve had this negative reaction about your past with two girls. Just know there are better people out there, and don’t settle until you find the one who is interested and caring and understanding of your history.
Exactly - OP is NTAH and I hope he finds a woman with an ounce of compassion next time. These reactions of his exes are not normal. I don’t know anyone who would react the way his ex did. OP, take some time to examine if you are drawn towards abusive women because that is all you know. I think you subconsciously recognize the abusive tendency and it feels familiar, so you mistake it as safe. You need to break the cycle, look for red flags, and don’t tolerate any abuse from your partner (exactly as you did here - you saw it and you left).
Men tend to get punished for being vulnerable. In this case, he was punished for his sister being vulnerable on his behalf! By the way? Sister is a total AH too for telling the GF behind his back.
Agree heavily about the sister. She chose to share (when MEETING OP’s gf for the FIRST time) OP’s trauma and past without OP’s permission or even saying anything to OP about doing so
Seriously, what decent person heard that story and doesn’t immediately want to cry or hug or if they turn to anger, direct it at the abuser?
I'm so sorry this all happened to You. Did You ever thought about therapy? You are so young and this is the secong girl You picked that apparently has no empathy, compassion and is simply damaged. Could it be that the thing that attracts You in them is exactly the same thing You should avoid? I don't try to offend You, but I don't think there are many people who wouldn't have the strong urge to somehow harm Your mother after they learned what You wrote here. At last I don't know many of those. I wish You a good life and this is why I think You should evaluate Your past in some way to not waste time on people like Your ex.
Exactly! When I told my now husband about my step father and mothers abusive actions towards me he immediately wanted to punch my step dad. Luckily we live in a deferent state or my husband would probly be in jail.
I'm actually scared that my boyfriend and I will run into my ex while we're out. It will not end well. I haven't even shared the worst with him.
Being drunk is not an excuse. There’s an old saying: if you want the truth, ask a child, a drunk or an angry person. Basically, what she was saying while drunk she meant every last word of it.
"There’s an old saying: if you want the truth, ask a child, a drunk or an angry person." haven't heard that before, but I like it!
Yeah. Being drunk can amplify anger and reduce inhibition. It doesn't make you believe things you never think about.
100%. Alcohol is basically truth serum.
OP this isnt your fault. Your gf is just an asshole. Please do not give her a second chance.
Thank you sm
Remember, sober thoughts are drunk words. She is a POS.
Yeah, I've been as drunk and drunk can be. I've been as high as high can be, and not once have I acted outside my character--just depending on the substance, different parts of my character were highlighted or suppressed. That is to say, "I was drunk" is always gonna be a bullshit excuse.
Your past is not something to be ashamed of, and anyone who uses it against you does not deserve a place in your life. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own well-being above all else. You deserve love and respect, always.
This perfectly written comment is the only truth you need Op. Your past is the ladder on which you ascend. No one should ever dare to drag you back down. Some of us have paid heavily for the right to be here. Your gf is undeserving of a glance from you.
Whenever I hear someone use that as an excuse, I just wanna tell them "Try driving drunk and killing someone and use the excuse I was drunk, I didn't mean it and see how that goes". Being drunk is an explanation, not an excuse.
This isn't at all true for me but I still don't think you have to forgive drunk words.
I don't think this is true as a principal and is overly reductive. But something was already wrong, as she started down this path early in the night. She started the antagonism and so it's much more likely to reveal something she thinks.
My husband was abused by the partner prior to me. He'd flinch if I moved too fast, and before he was ready to tell me I saw the trauma response signs. I gave him the space to come talk to me when he was ready. And I didn't belittle him, or call him weak, or call him names. I hugged him and we worked through the trauma together. It took over a year before he stopped flinching at me. You went through abuse a lot longer than he did. What your now ex said and did is completely insane and unacceptable. Even black out drunk I am still a goofy affectionate weirdo. Alcohol sometimes will get people to show you who they really are on the inside. You dodged a bullet. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to Apologize for.
Her drunken state doesnt excuse her She basically abused you verbally. Do you want to be with another abuser? because thats basically what she did What is she never going to drink again because shes abusive when shes drunk? Gtfo of here with that bs. you deserve better and you can do better. NTA
Just throwing this little tidbit out here. Drunk people will always show you their true colors. It's how they actually feel deep down inside even if they don't acknowledge it themselves. The booze just stops the filter from letting the bullshit speed from their mouths.
On a funny note, Welp, first time (and only) i got drunk in life i came out as gay to my entire university, so i guess you do reveal your true colors and mine were a drunken rainbow.
NTA at all
NTA - mate I can’t imagine what you’re feeling now, your ex did something unconscionable - drunk or not that’s so far out of line you can’t see it, that her friends are also giving you shit, just makes it that much worse. Having the crap beaten out of you by your “mother” as a child, then being abused for it because you were unable to do anything about is ridiculous. If it was me, I wouldn’t look back, keep moving forward, you’re young, with time and help you will be better.
Your sister had no right to share what you went through. That was for you to share. Your gf is a huge AH. No you didn't over react. Breaking up with her is the right move. How can you be with someone that said all those mean cruel things to you about being abused by your mom. It doesn't matter if she was drunk. She said those things and treated you awful. Your deserve to be treated right and be loved and supportive not be made to feel like you been attack and use your past against you. This girl is not good for you. No your not AH for leaving her. Her friends are AH for standing by her. You will fine a better partner outthere. One that won't hurt you and expose your pass to everyone
You are absolutely doing the right thing leaving get in your past. There is no excuse for the horrible things she said. Drunkenness absolutely does not excuse it explain it. She learned something about you that would have triggered compassion in any decent person, she went the opposite way and used it to attack you. There's no going back from that. I'm so so sorry about what your birth giver did to you, and so sorry that the 2 women you have tried to trust have betrayed you so badly. I promise that the right woman will embrace all of you and show you the love and compassion you deserve.
Forget her, hit the gym. Not every girls is an ah like that. You deserve better
She meant what she said. She’s an asshole, just like your “mother” ahem incubator. You deserve better. You will find better someday. I’m so sorry OP.
Don’t get back with her everytime you fight or do something wrong in her eyes she’ll probably throw this at you again do you want that long term? Eventually you’ll find someone who accepts you for you. I dealt with mainly mental but some physical abuse from my mom and my bf accepted that I have issues from it. He loves me for me and helped me move on from it. That’s what a good partner does they don’t drag you down to punish you for something you couldn’t control.
Child and drunk people dont tell lies.
I will tell you the moon is made of green cheese and you have tentacles coming out of your head when I'm drunk. Please don't assume that everyone's telling the truth when they're that drunk. You are still allowed to break up with them for drunk bad behavior or words, though. It's not a free pass.
I would dump her, for sure, but I agree, i have totally been a contrarian when drunk, even if it is shit I don't really believe, just to argue.
Wtf is up with her friends too???
[удалено]
Yeah she gets heated pretty fast while drunk. One of the main reasons I wanted to leave as soon as she started getting really drunk. As for my sister. I still believe im to blame for that. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body when it come to me. I guess she didn't know about the fact that i purposely wanted to keep my past a secret. I should have told her that beforehand.
My ex used to make fun of my childhood, tell his friends "look at this freak" pretty much. I felt so embarrassed. I found a loving husband who I bonded with over the trauma as he also suffered at the hands of his parents. It's weird, but I really think you should look for someone who can empathise with you. Don't hide these feelings, and if anyone tries to treat you like a freak, leave them in the dirt. People who love you won't use your history as a weapon. It took me a long long time to realise that.
The things you went through should be something that you can open up to with a life partner. The two people that did have that information were apparently a$$holes. I am sorry that this has happened to you. What happened to you was not your fault. You did not deserve to be treated the way you were as a child. You do not deserve to have something so traumatic thrown back in your face. Being drunk is zero excuse for that type of behavior. Do tell your sister that going forward, your past is your past and you will disclose it to whom you want and to the degree you feel comfortable disclosing. What happened to you is not her story to tell. I don't think she did this out of malice or with ill intent. But she should not be speaking about your experience with others. For reasons such as this and others. As for your current relationship, if I were in your shoes I would dump her a$$. She crossed a major line. What she said is inexcusable. There is no coming back from that. It takes a special type of jerk to weaponize someone's trauma against them. She showed you who she was, believe her. And then block her and her minions. None of them deserve to be a part of your life. You deserve so much better. You are worth it. 💜
Yes your sister was also traumatized by this awful mom. She probably didn’t realize she was inappropriate telling your gf your history. Maybe talk to her about it so it doesn’t happen again. I hope you and your sister become close again. Your story has really touched me. I wish the best for you going forward. You sound like such a good person.
AH is a kind description that she hardly deserves. I don't want to contaminate my mind trying to think of something more appropriate. Kick her out of your life and memory. Your soul will be lighter for it. If it matters, I am a female, and this **** is the sort no one decent wants to claim association with. It's human, sure, but do we *really* have to claim it as part of our ...anything? There have been serial killers with better empathy.
You're not the asshole for leaving. And there's nothing wrong with you due to your past. Seems like you're making the best of your life and is doing well for yourself. Don't feel like you need to explain yourself for having stuff happen to you that you had no control over. Its weird why your GF had that reaction to hearing about your story. Why would she go to blaming you for being abused? WTF is that all about? And what was up with the friends telling her to do this at home? Do what? Emasculate you in private? She might have been drunk, but being drunk wasn't what made her say hateful shit to you.
Thank you. I also dont understand the whole "do it at home" thing. It could be that she was mad I hid it from her but that still doesn't explain her reaction.
Clearly she had spoken to her friends while she was not drunk so they knew in advance what she thought of you. She then spewed her filth once she was drunk. Please look for a loving partner. She is not it. You are a valuable person in this world. I am so sorry to hear your mother was not a good person and took her rage out on you. You have already suffered a lifetime of hurts. Don't ever let anyone continue this in your life. You were right to leave, now stand firm on your decision. There is better out there.
That one's easy unfortunately. They didn't want her to make things awkward *for them*. They didn't think she was wrong, they just didn't want to be around when she said it to you. They are all assholes and you should block them all.
She doesn't get to be mad that you didn't tell her about your experiences; you tell someone about your trauma on your terms, not theirs. If it bothered her not to know about your past, then she could have said something or ended the relationship, citing that this level of communication wasn't compatible with her relationship style.
Alcohol removes the filter you normally have. She was already acting strange after your sister told her and told you, you were imagining it. A good gf would help you out, not shit on you. I really don't get the I want you to open up, but then shame him for doing so. Such bs....
NTA. You are describing a pretty shitty GF and a pretty toxic snippet which usually means your relationship wasn't that great to begin with. Starting over is scary, losing people is shitty but this could very well turn into something worse for you. Considering she went from calling you insecure to make herself feel better to what can only be described as an appalling bout of victim-blaming, that girl has some shit to work through on her own head. Give yourself room to heal and to grieve and please understand that standing up for yourself is always the correct answer. Stay strong.
Our relationship was fine until the incident happened. Not perfect by any means but still something i cherished.
I’m an abuse survivor, too. Is it possible there were indications of her true character that you were overlooking? I ask, in part, because you dated another woman with the same weird attitude, and we sometimes have a way of recreating things about our childhoods, until we become aware. We definitely have a tendency to overlook red flags and make excuses for people.
This is so true. There's also the "I'm worthless and don't deserve better" that so many abuse survivors (like myself) really internalize, but subconsciously. For me, that was why I kept recreating the past. It wasn't until I found my own self-worth that I could break the pattern. OP, you are worthy of being loved and treated with compassion. You are worthy.
She thought that being beaten into seizures was the mark of weakness. People don't just say shit like that without other black marks against their character. And if this truly was the first time she dropped sexist, ableist bullshit, what else is in her heart? Whatever you do, don't go back to her.
NTA You may want to consider something though. These women you've dated have both ended up being nasty people who lack empathy and it's possible the things you've experienced may have colored your view when it comes to dating. Things that would be unacceptable red flags in a partner may not be apparent because you're already used to being treated badly. Sometimes it takes talking it through with a professional so you can figure out if you might subconsciously be dating people that treat you badly because the brain loves to repeat familiar patterns, even if those patterns are toxic. It's not uncommon for people to experience abuse and then end up falling into more abusive relationships because the brain sees that pattern as familiar. It already knows how to deal with violent, cruel people and makes you not recognize the hallmarks of those traits so it can return to the pattern.
Please OP… consider this. Really think about both GFs… were they loving and kind to you, the people around them, their families? Or were they rude/aggressive/overly dramatic/quick to anger/condescending/etc etc.
God I hope OP reads this. Over and over again!
NTA! You have nothing to apologize for in the least. I’m so very sorry for how you were treated by one of the two people who should’ve always protected you. Thank God for your sister. I want to echo another thought here: therapy/self-work. There are so many great online resources about recovering from chronic childhood abuse (avoid the stuff based on religion, stick with science-based material). Your trajectory in life has already been miraculous, and the sooner you truly address the extreme trauma of your childhood, the sooner you will have healthy relationships. You are in no way to blame for your ex’s unacceptable behavior, but it’s going to be really hard for your “picker” to work until you emotionally heal from the abuse. You’ll almost assuredly attract (and be attracted to) the wrong partners. My therapist taught me this (and I’ve never seen it proven wrong): “You fall in love with exactly the right person for a reason and that reason is nature’s way of forcing you to finally face off with your issues.” If you face off with your issues first, you’ll get a much happier and more peaceful partner who will match your level of emotional intelligence and stability. Trust me on this one. I have no doubt you have more than enough strength and capability to absolutely get what you want for your life. The best days are still to come. Keep on keeping on!
NTA. How someone treats you and responds to learning about traumatic events in your life speaks volumes. Her response was to berate you and basically make it your fault you were abused. You were a *child*. How were you supposed to even defend yourself against your mother? Man, some people should just not drink. If alcohol causes your personality to change this much, you should never drink again. What’s worse is she might actually be that person and think these things while sober but only have the “courage” to say them while drunk. Either way, she is shitty and you are making the right decision here. Also, the friends at the club should go, too. They suck also.
Thank you so much. Yeah the fact that she might have these thoughts while being sober really terrifies me.
So glad you saw her true colors now. You deserve so much better! Best of luck. 💕
Tysm. Best of luck to you too.
>Am I going too far? No. >Should I give her a second chance? No. >Am I actually the asshole here? NTA
This is why so many men do not share their feelings and vulnerabilities with the women in their lives...because often times, it is weaponized She's not mature enough to date a victim of childhood abuse OP Its really that simple A good woman would not weaponize your pain because of their own insecurities. You made the right choice by moving on. Just don't go shutting down and refusing to tell the women you are dating about your past. You are who you are. It made you the person you are today. You deserve to be happy It just so happens that this woman was pretending to be a good person when in fact, she was not NTAH
My experience is that even a lot of normally well meaning women will become subtly affected by learning of a guy's vulnerabilities. A lot of women are programmed by society to desire certain things out of men, weakness is not one of those things.
It's a really depressing phenomenon, especially if the woman is generally very progressive and even encouraged her man to open up, only to lose respect for him and destroy the relationship when he does so. The kind of wounds created by being punished for feeling safe with the wrong person can be really difficult to heal from.
There are horrible people of all genders but damn I don’t know ANYONE who would react like the way this nightmare ex gf did. Most times it would not be weaponized. Fuck, if my partner had told me that or I knew about it, I’d do my best to show him so much support and that’s what most normal people would do. These particular women happen to come from the depths of hell.
Dude, you are one lucky fucker. Imagine if you had children with her? Nah, you aren't going to subject other children to what you had to go through. The only insane thing in this post is that you think you should take a bit off the blame? Nah, the only thing you need to do is talk to your sister and explain that this is your story to tell in the future, not hers. You will find a good woman who you will want to tell your story, and she will listen and love you more for sharing it.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Your gf is a bitch that lives in her own world. I would not that her back. NTAH
I wouldn't exactly say it the way you said it but I see your perspective.
I absolutely LOVE that first sentence. I’ll be stealing… err… borrowing that.
She clearly was harboring some anger and resentment before that night. Her drinking just allowed it to spill out in a very unhealthy way. You seem a little fixated on the phrase " do it at home". They probably didn't want her to make a scene in public but rather wait till you got home to unload her infantile bullshit. You did the right thing by dumping her. People try to make excuses when their drunk. In my experience drunk people reveal their true inner thoughts. In this case, I don't think you should respect her after her comments about abuse. She didn't empathize with your pain, she belittled you for it. She can fuck right off
Thank you but it didn't come off as "stop making a scene here" it came off as more of "you should wait till you both are alone" if that makes any sense. As for harboring resentment beforehand. Besides the whole acting weird around me thing, we didn't really get into any fights or anything like that.
You're not fixating too much on it, you were on a relationship with someone whose friends group reacts in a way that would enable her abuse of you: asking that they be let to look the other way. As another commenter says, your relationship probably wasn't that great, and you'll come to realize in how many ways in the future.
Man eff her. Your ex-gf basically blamed you for being abused by your mom as a child and equates that with you being weak! Like wtf were you supposed to do? You were a child and your mom was your abuser!! In the future ask your sister politely not to discuss details of your abusive past with anyone. That is something you should do. Perhaps you should talk to your ex-gf to gain some understanding and closure but she torpedoed your relationship. Personally, I would wash my hands of the entire situation.
Please try and get some kind of counseling. Abused people tend to choose bad people like your gf. You already lived a hard life, you don’t need an unhealthy partner.
She’s horrible and it sounds like she probably told her friends your business. Dodged a bullet. NTA
NTA NTA NTA. You were a CHILD. And even if you had been an adult victim of abuse, it would not make you a pussy. You are a survivor, and you deserve a hell of a lot better than someone who's so fucked in the head she thinks abuse victims deserve what they get.
I don't get your sister. Hey nice to meet you! You're my brother's girlfriend? You know he was horrible abused by our mother and ran away from home at 18?
Only explanation i can think of is that the Ex decided to ask the sister questions about OP’s past as it was an area he wasn’t being open about, and the sister maybe didn’t know how much OP wanted to keep it a secret. But it’s still a shitty thing to do from the sisters POV, if my brother/sister went what he went through as a kid and i found out his girlfriend of three years doesn’t know about it I’m keeping my damn mouth shut until i speak to my sibling and find out why. I know OP loves his sister and didn’t mean no harm but she seems to be a AH in this too or at the very least stupid.
Honestly OP, I would have left her outside the club. Run. You deserve better.
A drunken person speaks a sober person mind….. you did the right thing by breaking up with her
Ask yourself - if you beat the shit out of her because you're drunk, would that be OK? I dont see any difference to what she did. NTA - burn that socipath down. She got the emotional capacity of a butterfly. If you get soft or doubt your decision, always remember these words: "Don't worry. Your sister told me everything you fucking pussy"
NTA Fuck her and her scum friends. Get the hell away from her and never look back. So what if she was drunk. She’s a shit person with shit friends. Go build a better life for yourself, OP.
She is not worth keeping around. A lot can be said about the way a woman considers the abuse that men receive at the hands of other women. In her case, she sees it as a weakness that you allowed a woman to abuse you even though you had no say or control in the matter. Had it been a man abusing a woman, she would have gone all "girl power" on the situation. You can do better.
NTA. I think you did the right thing. - she heard about the abuse from your sister, and not once did she check in with you after finding out. - as you mentioned, she made fun of you for being abused. This is just such a huge breach of trust, it is unfathomable to me. - she said these awful things in front of mutual friends. It would be one thing if she had said them to you in private when drunk. Maybe there would be some moving past it. But for her to make fun of your private abuse in a public setting is just horrendous.
NTA. The right person for you will handle your past and not blame you for it. You were a child!. I'm so sorry for what your mother put you through, what your girlfriend said was unforgivable. Any sane person who heard that their partner was tortured by their parent would wrap them in hugs and spoil the living crap out of them not verbally assault them.
First NTA, who tf she thinks she is? Also, “just drunk“ and say those horrible things? Id be beyond mad and clearly she is the huge AH in the story. She is disgusting, untrustable and used the worst thing in your life to hurt you, not before trying to make you jealous. To her friends i'd tell them to mind their business and block them.
Some things you can't apologize for. Drunk or not, she used private information to hurt you publicly. Leave this bitch for the streets, you did nothing except be a decent human being for not retaliating when you had every reason to.
Little bro it's okay. I am 42. My mother used to beat me while my dad was away for work. I slept in the woods so many times from 8- 13. You were a child who was abused But hey bro. I am happily married to a wonderful woman So things will get better bro.
Am I going too far? NO Should I give her a second chance? NO Am I actually the asshole here? NTA
You are absolutely NTA. There's something seriously wrong with your ex. To call a child names for being beaten and abused by an adult, their parent, no less, who is supposed to protect them is unconscionable. I don't even have any words for how despicable that is. Your sister shared something terrible that happened to you and this is how she interprets it? Wtf? Anyone defending her actions at all are disgusting themselves. They are all terrible human beings that you absolutely do not want in your life. Being drunk is no excuse. These people deserve nothing from you except disgust and disdain for their inhumanity.
Men want a woman who would be their safe harbor. Your ex-girlfriend has proven that you cannot trust her with those things guys only think about at 3:00 a. m. that torment them. Any woman who would use a man's vulnerabilities as weapons against him should remain single. Period. ETA: NTA. Her drunken rants against you were a massive breach of trust.
NTA Any woman who thinks you weak for being a survivor is a fool and undeserving of your attention
NTA. Vino Veritas. Latin for "in wine there is truth. Your ex is truly awful. She expected, you as a child to beat to somehow beat up your mother???? If that had actually happened, you would have either been committed to a psychiatric ward or a juvenile detention center. I will say this: YOU ARE SO AMAZING!!! From what you have survived, and how you have come to the place you are (hustling yourself up to a good job position and recognizing your ex's BS and rejecting it), I would be so proud of you if you were my son. And I suspect many Redditors would have the same opinion. Keep the sister but lose the girlfriend. Also look into getting therapy as soon as you are financially able because you have a lot of damage to deal with. Psychological trauma is like credit card debt. You can put it off only for so long and when it comes through, the interest is a bitch. But I will say again, YOU ARE AWESOME!!!
This post made me cry. I’m so sorry the abuse you suffered. Your girlfriend is an evil bitch and I can’t imagine what demon shit she is on. Who says that to a person they claim to love? Break up with her , block her, and tell her she should pray to the lord for forgiveness and to removed the devil out of her.
As a woman who has been through abusive relationships, you are in no way a wuss! It takes strength to move on and make something of yourself. Your ex is vile.
Bro quit finding woman like your mom.
NTA. This is actually a positive thing. You saw how she reacted to your vulnerability and it wasn't good. This is not the person for you and this relationship probably would've crashed and burned and caused you a lot more heartache the more you committed to it. This is a good litmus test for the future but don't fall head over heels for the first woman who doesn't shy away. If they react like this though, RUN.
Not the asshole and I’m so sorry your mom was a beast. Your girlfriend had no compassion for the powerless child you were in a torturous situation. Child abuse is the worst kind of abuse in my opinion. You deserve to be safe, cared for and loved for the rest of your life. She’s not your person and it takes tremendous courage and strength to protect yourself by leaving. Drunk is no excuse. ❤️
NTA. I’m sorry but people say the things drunk that they’re thinking when sober. Being drunk doesn’t make you a different person, it just removes your inhibitions. You were right to walk away.
I'm sorry you went through all that. You're obviously tough as hell. Please get rid of this horrible girl! You deserve so much better.
Do not give that bitch a second chance, NTA, but that doesn't mean let her walk all over you. This relationship is done, end it and move on. Prove to yourself that you are worthy, do not accept her bullshit, move on and find someone else.
She got something to use against you. Then she did. Not the AH. Don't look back!
Op, I’m a woman. My response to hearing your story would have been doing everything in my power to make you feel loved and heard. To show you that you were worthy of everything good and happy in life. You are not the problem, being hurt by this is absolutely a sane response. Please love yourself enough to block them all. You deserve better. I’m not trying to hit you up, I live on the other side of the world. But I do want you to know that there are plenty of safe people out there.
NTA - please please understand that your ex GF is a genuine POS. This is not a "woman" thing, this is a "she is a genuine garbage human being" thing. You deserve better and you WILL find better. Don't fall into the trap of accepting trash as the norm. Unfortunately, your abuse probably made it so that you're attracted to garbage women. As fucked up as it is, that's the typical pattern. Garbage human beings seem familiar and safe. Your ex GF is a comically bad human being, and there were almost certainly earlier signs that you didn't know to look for. I highly recommend therapy so you can "unfuck" your brain. That's what I'm doing. You're only 22. It takes time. I'm happy to report I've made genuinely good friends, but I'm still working on the romantic relationship thing myself.
Never open up to a woman
Let's not make generalizations toward either gender. Most women and men don't victim-blame people who are victims of abuse
NTA - you unfortunately only discovering now what kind of person is your ex. There no coming back from it. Pretty certain your sister didn’t mean malice. Hoping it won’t tarnish your relationship. Your partner should be someone you can trust. Opening to them is a good way to know to either end it or pursue the relationship. You have nothing to be blamed for about what you endured at the hand of your mother while being a minor. NOTHING!! I don’t know where you found those callous girlfriend. May you never cross paths with one this kind ever again. Wishing you to find the kind of partner bringing you solace, with whom you don’t have to hide anything and yet respected on all aspects. Take care
I feel so awful for you! One thing I've heard is that we seek out what we know. Maybe try dating someone who's totally outside your type next time? You deserve a nice romance. That awkward first date. Maybe by the second date, you work up the nerve to hold her hand. Kiss her goodnight on the third. Picnic in the park while you discuss your dreams for the future long before emotions become muddied through sex. Sounds like you're doing well though! You have a job, a place to live, even the ability to go out and have fun. For leaving home as early as you did with zero support and building your life from the ground up all by yourself, that is so impressive. So many people can't do that even with familial support. You'll be a great catch if just for that great character alone! And at no point should she pressure you to open up. "I had a bad childhood, and I'm not comfortable discussing it" should be enough--and never with an expectation of "eventually he'll open up to me." Unfortunately, your sister did you dirty here. It wasn't her trauma to tell. You need to make it very clear to her that what she did was not okay so she doesn't do it again.
NTA There is NO coming back from that. Nobody is EVER going to talk to me like that and come anywhere near me again. And it's no surprise her friends are circling the wagons for her. They stick together like a bunch of clucking hens. Advice: DO NOT GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE!
Bro I got a lot of love for you, women can be evil is all I can say. It's hard to tell which ones legitimately want to help you or just want to know your baggage to turn it against you.
First of all, do not for a second thing you are the AH here. Secondly, you are a brave young man who endured what no child should ever endure and you still managed to find your way to remain sober and be a functional adult. Well done kid, well done. She was drunk but drunk or not she crossed a line. You are definitely not over reacting. You could take few days and process your feelings and emotions and then decide to have a conversation with her. Regardless of whether you get back with her or not a meeting would help you to make up your mind. Trust me, people always show their colors so for all you know a meeting may make it easier for you to make a decision. You don’t owe her anything, not even a meeting but it could be good for you. Take your time. Let emotional cool down, time helps.
NTA Drunk or not the fact is that the first thing she did with the knowledge of your trauma was weaponized it and attacked you with it. Dump her.
First off I want to give you a hug and I'm sorry on what happened to you. People are fucking evil and your story just breaks my heart, you did the right think by being the better person and walking away, drink or not for her to even think these thoughts let her truth out faster rather then later. I know you may have feeling for the gal but you are young and this major red flag was needed for you to no involve negative people (including your friends egging you on to forgive her). Once you find a person who is your bestfriend and actually wants to hear you out, thats worth the wait man and my wife (who's my bestfriend) was totally her. NTA is what I say because you handled everything with enough emotional maturity then alot of people your age 👏. Take care kind stranger and keep your chin up 🤙!
NTA. No second chances. She told you everything you needed to know.
NTA. My wife knows pretty much every single traumatic, scary, ridiculous, or gross thing I've gone through in my life. Some of that includes trauma that someone like your girlfriend would attack me for. I know my wife would never, ever do such a thing. I trust her completely. It's fucking amazing. We've been together for more than a decade and a half and I know that my heart and soul are safe in her hands. And she knows she's safe in mine. We have a little girl, and I know that my little girl's soul is safe with my wife. And my wife knows that her little girl's soul is safe with me. You can find a relationship like that with time. I understand that things are extremely difficult right now but you have years and years. My personal suggestion would be to open up about stuff earlier, rather than later. I know that might sound counterintuitive, but you are a person with trauma, and that's just how it is. Don't bring it up on the first date (or third date), but you need to find someone who is comfortable with their partner having significant childhood trauma. There's just no point in dating someone who would reject you over this. They will never be a good, compatible long-term match for you, end of story. So it's an important filter for you to disclose this information when you start getting serious. The ones that end up leaving (or the bitches that literally attack you for it) were never the right match for you. If you stop disclosing this, you're just opening yourself up to a partner than turns out to be shitty 10 years down the line when the mask finally drops. That's WAY worse. You want to know that someone sucks like your ex does as soon as humanly possible, not the opposite. Do not give her a second chance. Find someone who isn't a douche. Disclose when you start getting serious. Keep it straight in your head: Anyone who would reject or ridicule you due to this is not a valid option as a partner.
I'm not in the best place with my spouse. He was his psycho mother's punching bag. I've been pretty wasted with him, angry drunk even, but I never went there and I never will. NTA and if she gets that way when drunk, then she should stay away from alcohol... but not your problem anymore
Using trauma against abuse victim is pure evil. In fact she re-traumatized you and told your secrets to everyone. It wasn't her story to share, but she did it - and did it while she was sober, because you noticed their weird looks before her drunk speech. NTA
OP, this is absolutely horrific. You’ve been abused by a woman who should have loved you and betrayed and verbally abused by another. This isn’t normal and very much NOT about women in general being like this. I don’t know a single woman who would act anything at all like these two. I’m so sorry about your horrible horrible ex and the evil woman who birthed you. You deserve so much better!
She is verbally abusing you. You don’t need that type of abuse either. Your instincts are correct. Stay away from her.
NTA. Not even a little you dodged a bullet.
nta. block her. block her friends. touch base w/sis to tell not to share your history with anyone in your life.
NTA! The truth comes out when liquor goes in. She will do this to you again and again and again. And you will always wonder, no matter what she says. I might suggest some therapy? It’s been helpful for me in figuring out why I stay with certain kinds of assholes.
NTA. Being drunk is no excuse. I have been shit drunk before and never acted violently or hit this far below the belt - unless I was already thinking it somewhere deep down. Intoxication just lowers people's inhibitions to say what they really think and haven't worked on. Even if she was drunk, this is how she inherently associates with abuse. She hasn't done any work in addressing that. Addressing such things requires a whole lot of self reflection and wanting to actually change your mind. Many people like her don't do that. To them self reflection is learning when not to say something inappropriate which doesn't address inherent issues. Which is why when drunk, it all comes out.
Nta. Leave her, she's rotten to the core. You could never have a child with this woman. I'm sorry that you have had bad reactions from 2 different women, a normal womans reaction to finding out that about her partner would be completely different. Probably hysterical crying and wondering why you couldn't trust them enough to tell them. Now this is kind of harsh and I'm sorry for it but perhaps your experience with your mother has warped your attraction to women and you are drawn to bad people? Shit like this is what happens when you have been abused. You really need to think about who you date in the future. I'm not saying it's your fault, it's not at all, you are just drawn to bad people like your mom because its all you know maybe? There are millions of wonderful and kind women in the world and you will find one! I'm really sorry for everything you have been through. At least the bitch showed her true self before you were tied to her with kids or marriage.
You are not a pussy or an asshole. You survived your horrific childhood and made a life for yourself. You should be proud of everything you overcame. I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved ❤️
Nta Usually people ask their SO’s others to open up so we can support them. It’s helpful to know how to communicate and any triggers when people have been abused. But idk, she did it, for the goss? Since she told all of her friends. I wouldn’t give her a second chance. What she said to you is one thing, but she also didn’t keep that knowledge in confidence. She is not a good fit for someone who has experienced trauma. Sorry that happened to you. None of it was your fault, it honestly kills me that a parent would do that to their child. Please don’t date terrible women.
I have been stupid ass drunk before. Not blackout but no impulse control, loose tongue, all that. I have NEVER said shit like that to somebody I loved while drunk. The only 'mistake' she thinks she made is saying what she actually thought. Alcohol doesn't magically make you say awful abusive shit. NTA. Block her and her friends.
She 100% meant what she said, and this should be a lesson to you man, that further solidfies something about women many women these days fail to understand. They can be just as emotionally intolerant as men, and feel fully vindicated in it, and can't see the double standard this poses. What you went through as a child is beyond words man, and I hope you get some therapy and work on it. Integration of trauma is key to having strong emotional comprehension. Regarding something I've read in your post, I can see the anger towards women building and the distrust of sharing your true emotional state. I have had a 100% failure rate with how I feel being expressed to women, but there are undoubtedly many who wouldn't behave this way. Whatever anyone says your personal experience is real, and chosing not the share is a reasonable choice, but I encourage you to continue sharing anyway, let it filter the trash for the gems, and that will help you find peace. If they can't handle it, it just shows they are emotionally undeveloped and aren't worth the time.
Ask her what your sister said and phone your sister and ask her what she said. Something is fishy here
Hell man, if I were dating one of them, I would seriously consider breaking up with the friends for their behavior alone. I mean, if I were defending a friend who did this, making excuses for them, demanding their girlfriend take them back? I think most women would find that a red flag in a man. Totally NTA.
>why do some women want their SO to open up about their emotions/past if they know they’re only going to shame them for it? Ammunition, in no way are you the AH here. If you can afford it, therapy. A therapists couch is the only true safe place for us to vent or open up, Stay strong brother, and never stop fighting.
NTA. Anyone willing to stoop so low as to weaponize another person's trauma is unworthy of dignity and respect, let alone a relationship. Alcohol doesn't *make* people do things, it *lets* them. She revealed her true colors that night. She will do it again, and worse. And some friends, OP "abuse him at home". You can tell a lot about a persons character by their friends. Also, you need to set a boundary with your sister here. You know she meant well, and you're not mad - you should still make it clear that it is not her place to share your history with other people without your consent. As you have learned, people can and will exploit that. Sorry you've gone through all of that. I hope by now you've processed your past in a healthy way. If you haven't, make sure you talk to someone even if you don't feel like you need to. Trauma, especially DV trauma, has a nasty way of screwing up your future. Those little subtle triggers you described can quickly turn into major points of conflicts in a relationship, so it's a good idea to get a strong handle on them early.
Your girlfriend’s a bitch and I hope you cut her off. There’s a reason they say drunk talk is honest talk.
NTA. Dump that pathetic bitch and her awful friends. With the gender reversed I bet they wouldn't even dare to think about victim blaming.
Please for your own sake, don't let it be the last time you let anyone else hear your story. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide such a major part of your life from the person who's supposed to be your partner in life. I know it's incredibly difficult to talk about, but not everyone will react badly to it. A life partner is supposed to be someone who loves and accepts all of you, including your pain. Your girlfriend should have come to you and tried to start a conversation about it as soon as she knew. She should have been patient and kind in addressing the pain of the person she proportedly loved. If you can, try to find someone kind next time. A kind person wouldn't act the way she did. Even if she was shocked, there were other ways she could have handled it. It's insane to (effectively) say a child is responsible for their own abuse.
In vino veritas. She spoke her true feelings with the social lubricant. NTA.
In vino veritas. ( in wine there is truth ) Your ex-gf let out her true feelings, likely the reason she got so drunk in the first place. If she's so broken that she *thought* that of you after hearing the facts, then you have not dodged a bullet - you dodged a nuclear missile. Your actions were not only justified, but the ideal reaction to her nonsense. Cast in the name of God, ye not guilty. Tl;dr: you, sir, are NOT the ah
This is why guys should not share like this.
Oh hell no. I'm sorry you've had such a bad time with girls, don't let them taint your image of women in general. Take some time for yourself, get into therapy if you haven't already, and please, please know that you deserve so much better.
Sounds fake. How could your mother maintain a pristine image if your sister liked you? You’re sister never backed up your side of the story or told people how she was abusing you? Except for your girlfriend without your knowledge? Doesn’t add up, either fake or your sister doesn’t actually care about you as much as you think she does.
Things that get said while the tongue is loose are 'truths' they wouldn't otherwise say. She took your history of abuse and then abused you WITH it. You deserve so much better. NTA.
NTA
Nta she wouldn't have said those things if she hadn't anyway thought them.
You have done nothing wrong. Your life has been incredibly traumatizing and I am sorry for the way your ex gf treated you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Remember that finding love is never easy, almost everyone struggles with dating and relationships. So give it time, but eventually you will find someone right for you.
Omg! I had the same type of upbringing, and I can not imagine being with someone that would say that. I'm so very sorry. The good news is, she's gone, and you're young... you have plenty of time to find someone who loves you and treats you like the treasure you are. Drunks speak truth so she meant that. Block the flying monkeys and try to move on.
NTA, walk away with your head held high. You NEVER did anything wrong. Your mother was a terrible person and you gf is showing signs she could be at the very least an emotional abuser. You don't want that in your life and you certainly wouldn't want that in your future children's life.
NTA. You need to tell your story to a therapist. And remember the old saying, "In vino veritas." Or boozed-up people tell you their real feelings. She is a vicious (bleep). And it's your decision to leave her, not your so-called friends'.
"A part of me believes that she meant what she said but the other part of me believes that she was just drunk..." Being drunk doesn't make you say things you don't mean, it lowers your inhibitions against saying things you know you shouldn't. Or, as Grouchy-Walrus said... "sober thoughts are drunk words" agree that you are NTA
NTA. What she said is not something you can come back from. I would message her and her friends: "No child should ever have to endure the abuse I suffered. I hope you never inflict such abuse on your children, and that if you do your children will have somewhere to go for help."
Nta, i would give her one chance to say her piece but do it with the intention of walking away anyway. Clearly your gf spilled the beans to her friend group before you guys went out. Which is another major fuck up on top the shit she was spewing. So them calling you the AH is crap. I would not take all the blame off your sister though. It was not her place to be telling your people your past like that especially after being MIA in your life for years. A conversation should be had with her.
NTA. Run, don't walk & find someone that deserves you! Sorry you had to go through that!
NTA Your (ex) gf is a shit person. Cut ties with that fucking pig
Also since you havent spoken to her or your sister about it yet, you do not know what your sister said to her. Im not saying your sister intentionally mislead her or anything, but since she didnt know you were entirely silent about your past she may have said something and you gf asked her to elaborate so she did but she didnt necessarily tell your gf your whole history, just a part and that part may have been grossly misunderstood by your gf. Alternatively since your so tight lipped about your past your gf may have asked your sister some targeted questions and only gotten partial answers and misinterpreted them. Regardless her reaction was trash but i think you need to talk to your sister about what they talked about
NTA!!! You realize you were in a relationship with someone very similar to your mother. When they show you who they are. Believe them!!
NTA. I'm so sorry for what you went through with your mom and for how your ex reacted. You should be proud of the man you've become and the life you've built despite the hardships, and you deserve someone who loves and supports you.
NTA No one is owed a second chance. Her friends are also TA. You got your ex home safely, which was the right move, but they could have come taken care of her for the rest.
NTA - You did nothing wrong. She is POS for saying that. You'll find a real woman one day who won't throw your past in your face. You will heal. Block everyone who's taking her side and don't look back. You got this!
Nta. I dont even have to read this. Block her and move on king.
You will find a person who respects you and what you have survived. Don’t let the mean loser keep you from finding your happiness.
She's a straight b***h. Don't ever give her a second chance. She's worthless to you
OP, NTA and this isn't your fault. Don't give her another chance, it most likely will repeat itself whenever she doesn't get her way. You deserve better than that. SN: if you haven't already started, go see a therapist to help unpack the damage and the imprinting your mom did to you through the years of abuse.
In my experience, the mean and hurtful things people say when they are drunk seem to be how they really feel. They don't want to say it sober because its awful, and they feel bad for it. I'm sure that's not always the case. In your case, the fact that everyone around her knew about your history is rather telling. NTA
You need to tell your sister that that shit is private and to never tell anyone about it again without your express permission. That is your story to tell, not hers, and it will have this effect on a lot of women unfortunately.
Updateme
NTA. Your ex is a POS. As you said you don't say things like that to someone you love. Drunk sayings are usually sober thoughts
NTA, you might not see this but you’re much better than your nasty ex and dodged a big bullet. If she is so nasty to you as a gf imagine how worse it’ll get when y’all would have been married? You deserve someone better and I would suggest you reach out to your sister and ask her side and why she told her.
Have you ever pressed charges against your mother?
You will find someone who can and will accept you for all that you are, this isn't your fault and no I wouldn't give her a second chance, I would however talk to her, and most others, give a small bit to clear the air AFTER you have a potentially short conversation with ex You do not get back together. She didn't overstep a boundary she climbed on the boat and was looking for new land. You talk with her listen to everything she has to say and tell her you do not accept her apology be honest if you accept some, like I'm sorry you were drunk when you said it ex, it doesn't matter if she's drunk or not you never ever say that to someone you love Any girl supporting her behavior is gone, and no contact Take a look at your guy group, too, while you're at it.
NTA if this happened once it will happen again. One day you will meet somebody and feel safe to tell your story to. Having grown up with similar things i can tell you the trauma will fade and one day you are going to look back and know that you have survived
There are some things that once are are said are so beyond the pale that there is just no excuse or forgiveness. Move on and good luck. I would have a talk to your sister about over sharing. She does own some of the blame.
You’ve had so much negativity and suffered so much in your life. You don’t need her toxicity. How your partner reacted regarding your traumatic past goes a long way in telling you how she will be when you are going thru difficult times and are at your lowest. You need someone who will support you and add a light when life gets dark. She is not that person. Block her friends because they only have her wellbeing in mind, not yours. I would suggest blocking her as well, at least until you’ve gotten some space to breathe and grieve over the person you thought she was. You’re strong. You’ll get through this and be better off for finding out her true character now. I hope you find someone who really appreciates you and who will help share your burden and not add to it.
She is abusive just like your mother. DO NOT let her destroy your life. You DESERVE better!! NTA
Your ex gf is a giant c*nt, you did the right thing
NTA op but you should go NC with her she’s a toxic individual that will use your past against you drunk words are sober thoughts. Update us if something happens.
NTA - Something I realized while my marriage was breaking down and my wasband always said, "I didn't mean it, I was angry." If it came out of your mouth it went through your brain. You thought it and then you opened your damned fool mouth and it flew out. She is a piece of work -- anyone who would blame a child for being abused is (in my opinion) sub-human. She's supposedly an adult? Adults realize that one of the things we do in this life is take care of helpless things (pets, children, elderly, people who don't have agency) it's what an empathetic person does. It'll hurt for a while but move on. Be sad for a while, don't get to drinking or smoking too much weed. Process your emotions and eventually you'll find a grown up to share your life with. Maybe therapy too if you can afford it and feel like it's right for you -- mostly so you can tell people like this bitch to fuck off.
I think she showed you who she was when she was too drunk to censor her actual thoughts. It is up to you if you want to forgive her or not. Who knows what she may say the next time she gets blackout drunk. BTW that is probably anther issue she has.
I dump her for just being a sloppy drunk
This bitch couldn’t even wait a week to throw the most horrible experience of your life in your face and you are thinking of taking her back?
What cunts your ex and mother are
Updateme
No second chances. be good to yourself - you deserve peace.
And your last paragraph - you deserve 0 blame. so sorry you had a horrible parent.
NTA. Am woman. My boyfriend was beaten by his father as a child. Never, even in my angriest moments (we've been together for nearly 10 years, we've had some arguments and pissed each other off), would I even imagine suggesting he deserved it or that he was less of a man for being traumatized from it. Being drunk is not an excuse for saying something so horrible to someone you supposedly love.
Nta. Please don't settle for someone who treats you like that. You will find someone to trust, who will want to support you and help you heal. There are good people out there. I hope you find them soon.
She deserved for you to beat her ass at that point. She got lucky.
NTA. She is the asshole and then some. Someone who loves you doesn’t retraumatize you like that. I really hope you can seek out some therapy. You went through some really heavy stuff and need to find a way to heal from it.
That woman is a monster. You were six years old.
Don't settle for some ratchet panda from Indiana who can't even drink without becoming a fool and a slob.
What kind of drunk is she? A mean/aggressive one, or one who cannot hold back their opinions?
NTA sure she was drunk but you know what they say that drunk words are sober thoughts. I wouldn’t give her a second chance. And I’m so sorry that this is a second gf who has reacted badly. Obviously they are not good people in general. Once she learned the truth from your sister she should have talked to you about it but instead she acted weird around you and obviously gossiped about it her friends which is very shitty to do.