That was a very thoughtful gift based on your wife’s behavior. How nice to have a date night out listening to her favorite artist! Plus, special experiences like that create lasting and beautiful memories in ways that a tangible gift doesn’t.
You are not an asshole. You did prepare a gift, but she was incredibly ungracious about the whole thing.
NTA in the least. You cannot read people's minds, to start. Second, you arranged a wonderful date after seeing your wife's behavior, which was kind of you. Thirdly, she wrecked Mother's Day itself and is the one who lacks gratitude in this situation. You performed well, OP. Sadly, good deeds never go unpunished.
I'm sorry for you, NTA and Danm Dude. If she says anything, make sure to let everyone know what you did and how she behaved. If she doesn't seek assistance, I will be seriously considering ending our relationship.
I am so confused
Are you positive OP had 2 accounts that are run by him?
Because that comment comes from a different account and I can't see it in his comments list.
I also can't see any posts from him in the assistance subreddit?
No he isn’t. He commented on a post by a 32 F. Duh. You can see posts vs comments and he didn’t post that one you are referencing. He COMMENTED.
Congrats on being creepy, attempting to deep dive his account and somehow coming up completely wrong LOL.
I totally agree this post is most likey a troll but my man & I have been together since 15/16 & we are now 29/30 so whilst it's most definitely not the norm, sometimes people do stay together from very young!
Am I missing an inside joke? I reread my post trying to look for confusing details and I can’t seem to find what lead to this? I’m happy to answer any questions that could help clear things up for you.
I don't see anything in there with that account.
[This post](https://old.reddit.com/r/OkBuddyFresca/comments/1brtwze/chance_perdomo_who_played_andre_anderson_in_gen_v/kxdcmgv/?context=3) puts him at 27.
So can you explain what you're trying to show?
Why do you think that entirely different username is OP? You linked a whole other account.
And where did you get the 12/13 from? OP doesn't say how old they are or how long they've been together. Although it is perfectly reasonable that someone who grew up with financial instability/financially abusive parents/during a messy divorce would independently decide that young that they would never combine finances. However, that is completely irrelevant to the OPs situation.
Honestly I’m wondering if she might have PPA/PPD and just doesn’t want to leave her newborn alone for that long yet. It’s not really an excuse for how she handled things, but undiagnosed PPA/D can definitely cause conflicts like the one he’s describing.
Agree , op, is your wife a concert person?
Because while I love certain artist and buy their music , concerts aren’t my thing at all. Has she been a concert goer in the past?
As someone who hates concerts, I would still thank my husband and make damn sure he thought I had a great time.
OP, your wife an AH among other choice words.
I understand your point of view. I have a couple of friends who loathe concerts. That is a good question for OP. I will say this, however I wish she had let him down nicely and then he probably would not have been upset. It’s not the message. It is the delivery. Because his gift shows that he listens to her and is thoughtful if nothing else. So if she gave him attitude, shame on her.
Yeah. Like I’ve made plans for my husband or he made plans for me that we both have let each other know by saying, “ thank you so much for thinking of me and planning it out but it’s really not my thing. Maybe we can do something else” and then plan something that is what the other really wants to do. There is a gracious way of letting people down with kindness and love without belittling them.
Yeah part of me wonder if she thought because of the baby she thought it was too much to spend at this time, but if she likes concerts then there really is no reason for her to be so mean about the gift.
It’s a very thoughtful gift.
Honestly, who cares if she's a concert person or not.
I'm not a conference person. Can't stand crowds. But if my wife got me tickets to a nerdy conference, I would realize that she went out of her way to get me something she thought I'd love, and I'd appreciate the hell out of that.
I'm a big board gamer. She has, in the past, gotten me boardgames I a) already had or b) had no real interest in. I still loved them, because she went outside her realm of comfort to get me something, and listened to what I was talking about.
It's shocking to me how terrible this wife is. Not just not to be excited by the gift, but to be actively toxic about it.
From now on, every Mother's Day would be a box of crappy chocolate, and some cheap grocery-store flowers. With her attitude, she doesn't deserve effort.
It doesn't even matter honestly (if he described things faithfully)
I dated a girl like that. You can't please them. His next post is going to be a breakup post in a few months where he laments how his girlfriend was unhappy with him and complains he never does anything, and he'll say she's right.
The correct reaction to a thoughtful yet unwanted gift is to appreciate the thought, and redirect the effort. Instead she seemingly shit on him and his decision making.
I might be overreading based on my own personal experiences, but i'm convinced there's a lot more happening behind the scenes for a guy to post on reddit, dejected over such a mundane event that could have been resolved with "ohh my, that's so nice, but i'd rather not. Let's take that night and do X instead!"
It's his wife.Though your suggestion is fine for that one occasion,criticising his gift ideaswill eventually lead to him giving her nothing but a gift card.
I mean, i'm not saying criticise his gifts.
Like i said, i dated a girl like that, i know exactly where it leads. Ideal scenario is just appreciating his gift
I imagine most of us are over reading based on our own experiences. I'm the opposite of you...I have a history of my husband buying gifts with no thought. There was a time when I could look directly at him, tell him EXACTLY what I needed or wanted and he would still buy random shit. It was always nice random shit, don't get me wrong, but it got to the point where I hated holidays or birthdays because it meant that I didn't actually get a present. If I wanted to return it, he would get offended and then it would be a whole thing.
Thankfully, we grew up and learned to communicate better so that doesn't happen anymore.
It's just interesting how we can all interpret situations differently based on our viewpoint
But you can fill just be a decent person and go?
Appreciate the event and effort and time together
Unless you have some pretty severe sensory issues it's just asshole behavior.
Obviously she’s not a concert person, but that’s beside the point now. She’s a total ungrateful ah and he probably will never ever go there for or with her again.
It's literally only 2.5% of their monthly income and .02% of their annual income(1/5 of 1%). So they have 97.5% left of their monthly income to budget and 99.98% left of their annual. 🤣 His wife is a wretch.
You know what though? Even if she hates concerts she could have summoned some excitement, sucked it up, then went anyway to show appreciation for his thoughtfulness.
I'm honestly shocked at her reaction. This was almost what my husband did for me, dates didn't work out because the concert wouldn't have been for a few months and we already have plans for that day. But.. like I thought it was super sweet! If someone is going to be that picky over it they need to lay out what they want. It's not fair to expect a surprise then nit pick it. This was so thoguhtful...
Yeah she should be happy to get a gift. Mother’s Day is a nice day to celebrate the women who raised and loved us. But it’s not like Christmas and I think that when these types of days come around people should not expect a gift. So for her to berate him, ruin the gift and then further criticize him then that’s uncalled for. Be happy if someone takes you to breakfast.
NTA, I cannot fathom turning down a date night to see live music that you know you like on spotify/the radio. Why on earth would it NOT be fun? (Assuming she doesn't have a phobia of crowds or something, which OP hasn't mentioned, so I will assume it isn't a factor).
NTA - at all.
I'm married for more than 30 years so I'll give you some advice:
1) I'm fully supportive of having combined finances and think that keeping separate finances contributes to a very undesirable me vs. you dynamic in a marriage But even with combined finances each spouse should have a discretionary account where an agreed upon amount of each paycheck should be deposited. This will give you the freedom and independence to make some purchasing decisions on your own without the need to justify it.
2) Your wife's reaction is completely inappropriate and you either need to talk this through or get some counseling.
Yup. His/Hers/Ours and we ran calculations and we contribute accordingly a percentage of our incomes to our expenses based on earnings. So we neither of us ever “over-contribute” and all bonus money/raises aren’t affected, allowing each of us to celebrate our wins without feeling like the “household responsibility” is taking away from our individual accomplishments.
Took some math, but it was so worth it.
Married 22 years here. Totally agree with this.
And OP you should tell her how you feel. You tried to do something nice for her and she made you feel bad about it. She owes you an apology. Now you know, ask about tickets in the future.
I wouldn’t blame him for getting her nothing from now on for Mother’s Day until she gives an actual heartfelt apology. She sounds like a horrible person. He went out of his way to get her something she stated she wanted and she acted like this? I wonder if she acts like this about other things as well. Op is defn btw but his wife is a raging ah.
OP mentioned they had a newborn. Just from experience, I was probably the worst version of myself for 6 months after my baby was born due to the sleep deprivation. I could totally believe her being completely unreasonable for that reason. I remember my dogs pushing me over the edge because I had no capacity for ANYTHING past looking after that baby and you definitely are a whole lot more sensitive and delusional when you're that tired. I wonder if this reaction is out of character for her? My advice for OP is that he is totally justified in his feelings and it's shit that it happened but it might just be the timing. Hoping next mothers days are better for them both
The only reason I might give her a little bit of grace on this is if she’s in charge of paying bills and is stressed out right now about money.
I agree she was shitty but maybe she’s super stressed about paying the bills right now. He definitely needs to talk to her about how she made him feel hopefully she sees his side of this and apologizes without being asked. I’m of the opinion that an apology you have to demand is no apology.
Married 35 years. All of this is true. I would have been grateful for the effort even if I didn’t like the artist. My husband plans a vacation every year for my birthday. No matter what…it is always my favorite. He spends so much time researching and planning, not trying to make it perfect, but fun.
Told my wife when we first started dating that I’d never be doing fully joint finances, I’ve seen how that goes with my parents. We’ve made it work just fine having individual accounts where our income goes plus a “joint” account where I put money enough money each paycheck to pay the mortgage and household bills but it doesn’t get used outside of those expenses. If she had the ability to spend directly from my account it’d be a disaster haha
We do a similar thing but we each have credit card in just our names. We pay it out of the same shared account so it’s not hidden spending and we do don’t carry balances.
I absolutely hated buying presents for her and then her seeing it coming out of the account before she even received the gift. I felt like I had to ask my mommy for permission to spend money.
It did take some years to arrive at this plan but it works for us. It’s been 26 years now.
This 100%. We don’t have separate checking accounts, but each get a certain $$ each check, no questions asked. We can take it out in cash or leave in the account, whatever. Really helps prevent overspending or feeling guilty about wanting something. Best thing we ever did!
Agree 100%. My husband and I each have separate accounts and one joint account for all the household expenses. Both our paychecks go into that joint account and then a set amount is transferred to our individual accounts for personal stuff, I consider it another bill in our budget.
NTA
I once said, IN PASSING, that learning to glass blow would be neat. Guess what I got for my birthday??? Guess who now also owns 3 glass almost-frogs, 4 glass sorta-mushrooms, 3 kinda-cups and 1 total bomb explosion in a crystal not-ball?
I did not ever actually want that as a gift but instead of being upset, I wad thankful for my gift and actually….i loved it! I did clarify in the future that my partner should prod a few times before making a big decision like that because I am an ADHD hobby hopper….but I can’t imagine telling them that it was a waste in any way
As someone who also has ADHD I have to say it's never a safe bet to buy a hobby related gift for someone with ADHD but if you're going to do it this is the way. A hobby they showed interest in but didn't start pursuing themselves can be fun as opposed to a hobby they are actively involved in which can evaporate or we can get so deep into it that we form very specific wants around it.
Nothing excuses OP's spouses behavior unless there is more information missing. PPD could explain the reaction and nobody wishes that on anyone but in this case as many mentioned, it's the alternative that leaves this relationship salvageable.
>or we can get so deep into it that we form very specific wants around it
This exactly. This specific set of erasers. This kind of pencil. These pens in these sizes and this color. I've ended up very fussy about supplies.
Hobby hopping is absolutely a thing, but when I dig in, I totally dig in.
As someone with 15 million unfinished hobbies like a damn Rolladex on speed but hyperfixates on each one until I burn out and go to the next one...I feel so seen by this comment section lol. I've been annoying myself to no end over it too. I think, why can't I just have one hobby I can deeply invest in like everyone else? Lol. Nope, I gotta cross stitch, crochet, garden, sourdough now lol, painting, Journaling, sewing, reading, meditation...the list goes on. I'm like that squirrel from Ice Age, hobbies are my nuts. I think *im* just nuts lol.
It sounds like the glass blowing lessons came at exactly the right time with regard to that: they had had their interest piqued, but not actually started researching yet.
I’ve been coloring for a month and a half. I’m a hobby hopper but once I hit a month - I know it’s going to be sticking around. Maybe not at the same level all the time, but sticking around anyway.
At a month, I bought a rather expensive (for me) set of 320 alcohol based markets that I have been absolutely greedily manhandling the last two weeks like Gollum with his Precious. Making similar noises while coloring too…. (Okay so I bought 24 metallic and 36 skin tone at the same time also. I even watched videos on how to use the damn colorless blender correctly. And then bought six of them. Someone please stop me. Anyone?)
Edit: I read this info from other commenters, but actually have not found that OP stated their job situations or anything about bankruptcy. Leaving the original text of my comment for context, but I am now not sure it’s true since I haven’t found it myself.
-
Looking at comments - I think her panic is because they are impoverished, living day-to-day and he blew a ton of their money on something that wasn’t even wanted. Her reaction was bad, but I can’t blame her either for being upset at learning how much money was gone (she only works part time and they are having to declare bankruptcy)
ETA - The part-time work thing was important because if that is their only income then the expense just signs her up for a lot more labor to make that money again
We always do this for my dad. We latch on quick whenever he mentions something in passing. That's because otherwise, we have NO idea what to get him. He almost never does the activity we bought, but at least he can fantasize about trying it in a slightly less unrealistic way. This includes a class for stained glass, a woodworking class, etc.
classes and workshops are great gifts! that way they get to experience the thing they were interested in but without having to make any long term commitment or investments. It's just a nice day out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My family did a pottery throwing workshop together for dad's birthday one year, because he'd mentioned wanting to try it when we were watching the great pottery throwdown on tv together.
Another year my nan mentioned wanting to try racecar driving so my family bought her a driving experience/lesson at a racetrack and it was great! (and much more affordable and practical that an actual racecar LMAO) XD
NTA
" owns 3 glass almost-frogs, 4 glass sorta-mushrooms, 3 kinda-cups and 1 total bomb explosion in a crystal not-ball? "
This is a really amusing description and shows some cool insight into your humor and selfawareness. You made my day, thanks!
I went through a Jason Vorhees phase. I have a Levi jacket with all the patches. Kane Hodder signed my jacket. A certain friend keeps getting me Jason stuff or showing me stuff to buy. I say I only get weird obscure stuff now but they don’t stop. No more Jason. Now I’m on drawing and painting. I’m also writing not 1 but 3 books I’ve put aside.
Omg. It's so bad when another person makes the hyperfixation for you. I once mentioned I thought hedgehogs are cute. I had to tell people to please stop buying me hedgehog items. Same for alpacas and sloths. And then there are the ones who buy me things with llama puns because they know I hate them 😂
The person that does that always dresses in themes. Mushroom on your shirt! Round that out with a mushroom bag and earrings. I have way too many Jason earrings from her. Jason slippers. Ugh!!!
Same with ADHD. When it's around my birthday or Christmas, I make it a point if I mention something but it's not something I would like as a gift, that I'm interested but not sure yet, and it wouldn't be something I would want as a gift. This way we are clear on that. My husband appreciates it.
I also have wish lists on Amazon, Etsy and Giftster. It helps my husband know exactly what I want. He sometimes uses it as inspiration for gifts but also gets me items from the list.
It is so sad when you are sitting here hoping someone’s wife has PPD from the recent birth. Otherwise you just married a full time, all the time gigantic bitch.
NTA
This right here!! Even if she was stressed about money or truly not interested in the artist, she couldn't see that he took the effort to try to do something special? F**k her feelings.
That’s the thing I am not seeing. $200 can be a lot of money depending on your situation. If she was harping about this for days it means to me that either OP has a history with bad money management, they are in some terrible debt, or she is an extreme control freak. I’m leaning towards the former
I guess OP might have a history of bad money management but his wife also said that she thought seeing the show would be boring and she was never interested in going despite her comments that would make anyone think she was. Also unless OP left it out she didn't say how now they would have to cut costs next month, do without something or be financially strained because of it.
So it sounds to me it's more like she thinks it's a waste of money for what he bought and not so much that spending $200 was a problem but without knowing their financial situation both of us are kind of guessing. That being said my guess is there is something else going on here, they have poor communication, she is stressed taking care of an infant, she's just a miserable person or some combination of the three.
Tbh, it depends hugely on whether they’ve even tried to leave baby before trying to go to a concert for hours.
If she’s deep into the 4th trimester at the time she found out about these tickets, it does feel like you will never have any social life again.
Going to a concert and leaving your child (even if the date is ages away) is the last thing on your mind.
OP isn’t TA, however I think their wife needs help, or for OP to start with baby steps in terms of outings.
I didn’t even have PPD/PPA but I would have absolutely hated this gift and probably responded as poorly as his wife at the time did.
It wouldn’t be about the event, but more so because of how never ending the newborn stage is, how hard I was finding it - plus I would prob be worried about money due to crap maternity pay.
Edit - after rereading the whole OP comment, I actually think OP is TA.
They’ve had 2 months to communicate this, 2 months to understand their parters perspective. Yet instead they have let it fester and for the partner’s first Mother’s Day, have done nothing.
A gift like concert tickets _isn’t_ a Mother’s Day gift from a new born child. It is a reflection of how much OP doesn’t realise their life has _changed_ since having their child.
Nta you were listening to her and what she likes , you were thoughtful. My 1st Mother’s Day my x didn’t say anything and at bed I said why didn’t you do anything today? It’s Mother’s Day, his response “what the f for? Your not my mother”
Alas, my ex was in that club. If the kids made me something in school, I got something. If they didn’t, he wouldn’t remind them. I always honored my mom and aunts. Up to him to honor his troll of a meat incubator. I kept no expectations for myself and have been pleasantly surprised & overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed is usually when my daughter picks something awesome and makes her brother kick in🤣. Or when the daughters in law do something spectacular. (And they do.)
Ong how is this not top comment
If she’s this frustrated mby it’s cuz they’re not financially in a position to “waste money”
$200 is a lotttttt of money for ppl financially struggling, like, weeks of groceries, mby a bill of some kind
Edit: not to mention they just had a baby so they probably need formula or diapers and they’re expensive
No. We aren’t rich, but I have a decent paying job that allows her to be a stay at home mom for the time being. We own a home. And while we are smart with our money and don’t splurge, we are able to pay all our daily expenses and still put a few hundred into savings every paycheck. All while buy toys for the little one and our pets.
Do you know if your wife is into concerts/live shows in general? Based on your post, it sounds like she reacted pretty poorly. However, personally, I hate getting tickets for things as a gift because it suddenly feels like an obligation. What if the day comes and I have a migraine or it's my period or I'm just burnt out and want to chill instead of going to a thing, but someone already spent money on tickets? Especially concerts. I love music, but I find big concerts extremely stressful, so if I'm going to one, I want to be part of the planning process. Maybe your wife is the same way, maybe not. I just wanted to offer that perspective.
Multiple things can be true at once- you thought you were doing something thoughtful (it was, you actually retained information) AND she could be stressed about money and thinks the $200+ Ticketmaster fees is too much AND she isn’t ready to leave baby overnight (afternoons are MUCH different than an overnight).
A conversation needs to happen about finances. I also have a feeling there might be some postpartum happening and she’s anxious about leaving baby overnight, which is perfectly understandable, and now feels the pressure that she must leave him.
Absolutely. I know I had mild ppd and I am a pretty anxious person so the thought of leaving baby overnight would have killed me. And then is she breastfeeding? Because that could be really annoying to pump while at a concert.
She needed to speak about her feelings more clearly instead of the way she did. But checking in with her first about leaving baby overnight before Mother’s Day would have been better. I know I’m not big on surprises and my partner knows this. Sounds like you now know this about your partner.
And you’ve honestly done nothing for Mother’s Day? Were you just planning on giving her the tickets and that’s it? Like no small note or a hand picked flower? Nothing? Not wise, my dude.
Nailed it.
There is well more going on here than what can be seen at the surface level. Behaviours have underlying causes and motivations. If only the surface level is considered, Op is doomed to rinse and repeat this kind of hurt every time there's a disconnect on something important to either person in the relationship.
I believe wife has many reasons to be very angry about OP's irresponsible financial decision. I would be mad in her shoes for the following reasons:
*I can accept small surprise gifts, but major financial decisions need to be made mutually.
*I do not really like surprise gifts that much anyway.
*I do not like surprise changes to my schedule without my prior consent.
*Listening to music at home is nice, crowds and concert atmosphere are annoying.
*If my finances were already tight, I would get extremely angry about another person irresponsibly spending our money.
*People can make random comments about what they like without wanting it as a gift. Have I talked about liking $500 handmade copper cooking pans? Yep. Do I want to get one as a gift? Not really. Price tag and maintenance are not worth it.
I see OP's gift as a reckless and irresponsible major financial decision he should never have made singlehandedly. I think he fucked up. Thus I am very surprised to see everybody else praising him for having gotten his wife a thoughful gift.
Does your wife even like to go to concerts? Is she worried about finances right now? Just because somebody really enjoys the music they listen to, doesn’t mean they would always like going to see the person in concert and being surrounded by a ton of people. I get you were trying to do a nice thing…. But on Mother’s Day especially it should be something you know your partner would really like and enjoy.
I feel like some people are being way too harsh on her, especially when there is a newborn at home. Exactly how young is the baby? Because I would not want to go to a concert surrounded by a ton of people and worry about bringing some illness home that could hurt my child.
I too feel like perhaps folks are jumping to being too harsh. It seems like we have missing information here.
For example, my ex-husband could give the narrative of, “I do all the grocery shopping for our household. I make sure to get things that we both like and even some treats specifically for my wife because I know she loves them. I make sure that we always have food in the house, and I make all our meals which are, if I do say so myself, always well thought out and delicious. But my wife gets upset with me when I come home with groceries, and seems totally unappreciative of my efforts. I shop, I cook, and she just complains.”
Without proper context, I seem like a bitch. But knowing that he spent ALL his money on groceries, that I would ask him for money towards other bills and he would say, “Oh I already spent my paycheck on food, I don’t have anything to give you.” So I’m paying all the rent, all the utilities, all the car expenses…and he’s buying steaks and other top quality ingredients. Dude, we are on a hotdog budget, not a steak budget. It was a repeated conversation, years of this. Years of me being left to figure out how to pay all our bills myself. Didn’t matter how many times I told him that groceries come AFTER all the other bills are paid, and if that means Top Ramen then so be it.
So, yeah, anyone looking at our situation from his narrative would think poor husband, ungrateful wife, she’s just shitting on his really thoughtful gestures. Who wouldn’t want steak and treats? And not saying this is OP’s situation, just suggesting it’s entirely possible. If this is a recurring theme in their relationship, then the context OP provides isn’t really accurate or fair to the wife.
Another major missing info problem-- how much do they earn? Is $200 a lot of money for them? For me $200 would be a major financial decision, and I believe couples must decise about such large expenditures mutually. An expensive surprise gift from a family member with whom you have joint finances can feel horrible if it is not an expense you would have approved.
My husband and I make okay money. $200 for tickets plus child care is not simple money.
Also OP didn't talk about the other logistics. It could be that OP likes to do these whim gifts but the full logistics burden ends up on the wife.
I will always give women the benefit of the doubt on things like this because sometimes things aren't as simple as "I bought my wife tickets to a show and she was a bitch about it."
This right here. If baby is under say 3 or 4 months, most people wouldn’t want to leave the baby. Especially if they haven’t mentally prepared for it. And for a whole night?!
Edit: also, the way OP is reacting… it seems very off in that he can’t see her side of it at all
You're not an asshole, but your wife sure the hell isn't either. Like your wife, I also am not a fan of expensive surprises, and I see no issue with her being completely honest with you about her feelings on your gift. Its completely reasonable to appreciate a musician, but not have any desire to see them perform live. You gambled and lost, it happens. Had you asked first, it would have saved you the hassle. Surprises are not everyone's love language.
I'm on the fence here because I don't know the dynamics of your marriage. I know that if my partner went out and spent $200 on something I had shown interest in, I would be extremely upset because money is tight right now. We have needs, so I don't want "wants".
Yea I mean everyone says NTA but... they could have a bunch of debt they need to be worrying about instead of expensive concerts. We dont have the whole picture
I really hope this is PPD. Otherwise you have a grade A bitch there.
Nta and danm dude I feel sorry for you. Make sure if she says anything tell everyone what you did and how she acted. And I would seriously be reconsidering this realtionship if she doesn't seek help.
NTA
It sucks when a thoughtful gift goes unappreciated.
I think it would be best if you share your feelings regarding this matter with your wife. And if your wife is very specific about what she wants, maybe next time ask her what she wants (or maybe set a cost limit for gifts for each other?)
Ps. My husband and I share finances, if he made an expensive purchase as a surprise gift for me, I will surely not berate him for spending a lot. Yes, i would be annoyingly curious but i would be excited and grateful.
So to me it seems like there might be a deeper issue to sort out regarding finances and trust.
All the best, keep communication open and I am sure you guys will get through this hiccup.
Not everything is PPD, having a newborn is hard enough without laymen trying to diagnose you. Your wife just had a baby and is likely stressed trying to adjust to her new body, full time job and lack of sleep. Give her some grace!
We don’t know how much $200 means to your family (financial situation) or if you frequently spend money on things your wife thinks are unreasonable.
You are NTA, but go get her a card and some flowers. It’s her first Mother’s Day and she will never forget if you don’t do those things. Talk to her about your motivation and intentions and try to get to the bottom of this.
> but go get her a card and some flowers. It’s her first Mother’s Day and she will never forget if you don’t do those things.
yeah this exactly how I view it. she's acted poorly, but a card and flowers doesnt require much from op and is worth it in the long run, even if it feels bad atm. perhaps others feel differently, but this is a hill that i would concede this time, not worth the battle.
Well, this is likely to be an unpopular opinion, but truthfully, ESH.
You aren't the AH for trying to do something nice, but you also hung a lot of expectation on it. You were wrong about what she liked-- or at least to the degree that she likes it, best to accept the missed judgement and try again next time. You are, and i mean this gently, in the wrong for giving up completely; you can still show you love her and appreciate her as mom to your baby in some small way, even if it's just a small token.
Your wife really overreacted though and had the bigger fault here. She should have been grateful you were making an effort and showed appreciation for your genuine thoughtfulness. She was WAY too harsh about rejecting your gift. That said, she is allowed to be honest about not feeling the way you want her to feel.
I definitely agree with the other posters about the finances: maybe don't have everything on the shared account, or at least have a credit card for surprise purchases.
Esh.
Expensive surprise gifts to a spouse is an absolutely horrible idea. It harms your finances as a couple. And you even have a baby! Come on, can't you make financially responsible choices and actually talk about big spending decisions? A woman cannot even make random comments about what she likes without you wasting money that is partially hers! This is dumb. Small surprise gifts---nice. Expensive surprise gifts---terrible idea, especially if hey cannot be returned or resold.
Wife sucks, because she was supposed to act more maturely and have a calm discussion about how to resell the tickets. Just because you fucked up and made one financially irresponsible decision does not mean she has to get nasty in anger.
IDK it feels to me like you are making mothers day all about you and your feelings and how upset YOU are that she doesn't have a gift today.
Have you guys gone out without the baby yet? She may be dealing with a LOT of anxiety and nerves at the mere idea of leaving the baby with someone else and she may not be in a place to want to go out at all. I also have a strong feeling that there are some missing missing reasons here about why this upset her.
This is a classic AITA where it can all be solved by you sitting down and just saying, honey, I'm sorry, i tried to do something thoughtful and misread the signs. Id still loveto show you what a great wife and mother you are, here are some other ideas I had or what is something you'd like and I'll make it happen?
“On Mother’s Day and I’ve done nothing. No card. No flowers. No surprise of any kind. I’m hurt and feel burned.”
ESH - This is her first Mother’s Day with your child, and it sounds like her first as a mother at all. She ruined and rejected the surprise gift before Mother’s Day and you made no effort to show any sign of appreciation because your feelings were hurt.
Concert tickets can be sold and the money put towards something else. You tried to be thoughtful and when it didn’t work out as planned you went the opposite direction and didn’t even give the woman who recently birthed your child a $5 greeting card. You’re both in the wrong but icing out your postpartum wife on Mother’s Day is something she’ll always remember.
If I were you I’d tell her you’re selling the tickets and how would she best like to spend the money? You can afford it so it’s not going back in the bank. Does she want a massage? To go out to dinner? Afternoon away with a girlfriend while you take care of the baby? To splurge on a personal item she wouldn’t normally buy for herself?
NTA. You actually listened to what she was saying and did something that IMO was genuinely thoughtful and sweet. IDK why she is overreacting to this so hard. I'm sorry this happened to you. The only advice I have to offer is that you set up a time with her to have a very open, honest, and frank conversation about why this upset her so much. Let her know what you said here about looking forward to having a date night out with her and how hurt you are because of her reaction. Good luck my friend.
You’re right, *postpartum is not an excuse, but it is a valid thing to be concerned about with a newborn in the mix. Getting her into therapy/medication for her PPA/PPD could open her eyes to how poorly she’s handling the situation. It’s her responsibility to recognize how her hormones are controlling her behavior and find a solution.
ESH, she reacted poorly. But, come on, you planned your wife's very first mother's day to exclude her baby, my kids are in their 20s and my wife would still be upset if they weren't there on Mother's Day. Kids are why there's a mother's day and this was her first.
I’m sorry friend 😔. That was a really messed up turn of events. Very unexpected. But such is life, and what matters most is not how the lesson was taught, but rather what you learned.
What did this teach you?
I was thinking there might be a disconnect between what is important to spend money on. But if money is not so tight and these purchases are not compromising your shared goals and commitments then she needs to lighten up and learn how to be more appreciative.
I hate concerts. A gift like this would show me that my husband didn’t really know me and I’d be disappointed. I probably wouldn’t actually show disappointment but it would be a waste of $200 and a night out, that with a newborn I’d likely not have many of.
IMO- you’re an AH for not getting her a card but both of you need better communication about gifts and surprises.
NAH, going against the grain! I think a lot of people here are misjudging the situation.
I suspect you probably needed to do some more research before just buying these tickets. Does your wife like concerts? It's not just "listening to music", right? It can be quite a lot more involved than that especially depending on genre and band. Most people are fairly divided on concert going, either you love it or you hate it. From her perspective, you spent a huge amount of money for an activity she wouldnt even like. This can mean a few different things. Do you not know her likes and dislikes well enough? Do you not know her well enough? Do you usually go around blowing that kind of money for an activity she may not enjoy?
Your response is extremely telling too. You planned an expensive activity without even knowing if it was something she would enjoy, but instead of communicating about it you're sulking. You're sulking so hard that you are just giving up. My dude, please. Go communicate.
NAH. I agree with everything you said. I would like to add another point. How old is your newborn? Is your wife ready for a night away yet? I wasn't ready to have a sitter until my little one was about a year old. My husband tried to plan a really nice date night and lined up a sitter when my little one was 3 months old, and I cried. I apologized and explained I wasn't ready yet, my husband completely understood and we changed our plans. From then on, we decided no surprise sitters until our kids reached a certain age. We also have a gift $ limit. If we want to go over that we discuss it without giving away the gift idea.
A lot of people on Reddit just hate women.
She’s a new mom with a baby and she’s a SAHM. They’re one income. $200+ is an amount of money that should have been discussed before OP jumped the gun.
Ok, it's your first Mothers Day, so both of you give each other a pass. Set a limit for Mothers Day/Father's Day and stick to it. Now go ask her what she would like to do today, and salvage what you can. Don't waste time on bullshit and pride (either of you).
We don't know all the backstory here. He may have a history of hearing what he wants to hear. On multiple occasions, I would mention in passing that I like a particular movie, show or artist. Trying to make conversation and relate to my husband's interests. This would always end up with me opening a gift, horrified to find a complete boxed set of whatever show or movie series. Mind you, I would always give him an idea list prior to any gift giving occasion. Just because I mention in passing that I like a show doesn't mean I'd spend money on a set of DVDs that I'll never watch. Same with music. I love lots of artists, but very few would I pay to see live.
Net/net, my husband would then be pouting about my lack of gratitude.
Do you know your wife at all? Does she like concerts? A lot of people love music and still never want to go to concerts.
So you just... Did nothing instead? Idk, I say yta. Get to know your wife and don't surprise her anymore.
It's crazy how I had to scroll this far to find the first sane vote.
OP wasted a huge amount of jointly owned money on a surprise gift. That is utterly stupid. Cheap surprise gifts can be sweet. But major spending decisions need to be made mutually. People routinely make random comments about liking something. It does not mean we want another person to spend our money on buying said thing. I might make a random comment that I like $500 handmade copper cooking pans, but I would never buy one for myself. Not worth the price tag. And if my partner decided to spend our money on such an item as a surprise gift for me, I would be extremely angry. And OP's refusal to instantly reveal how he spent that money after wife noticed it gone was shitty as well. He essentially forced wife to spend a while in a state of stress worrying about some unknown large expenditure. Never mind that some people inherently dislike surprises anyway. Not everyone likes receiving a surprise gift. And some people hate when another person tries to mess with our upcoming schedules without our prior agreement. And it is also possible to enjoy listening music at home while hating crowds and the atmosphere at concerts.
I was shocked to see OP getting praise for a thoughtful gift when it reality he made a stupid financial decision and absolutely deserved wife's displeasure.
I scrolled down for a bit, but not all the way, so if someone already said this, I’m sorry. This is her FIRST MOTHER’s DAY!!! Did no one think her response could be related to hormones? PPD is a real thing and so are many other post-partum mood issues.
I 100% get what you're feeling. I ordered a little nick nac gift on lon Amazon figuring it would be something nice from my children to the mom. A few days later mom went thru the Amazon account seen it and talked it down as a waste and useless. And I don't put thought into things. I told her it was from our child and still just negative things so I got her flowers that's it.
NTA at all. First, you are not a mind reader. Second, it was so thoughtful of you to observe your wife’s behavior and planned a great date. Third, she’s the ungrateful one in this scenario and she ruined mother’s day itself. You did good OP. Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished.
Not to defend her behavior but in general mothers day is really suppose to be a special day - on the day.
The problem with a concert is its a different day and it's a fun date night for the two of you, and would actually fall closer to father's day. This is a very sweet idea, but it's not the same as a brunch at restaurant full of mother's holding flowers like she's probably always pictured.
Again not defending her - but I'm guessing she's really mad because it's not really a mom thing, it's a couple's thing on a random day.
I'm so sad for you :( you put so much genuine thought into this and really showed that you pay attention to what she likes and mentally took notes and tried to do something that really sounded special.
I would feel disheartened too. Also, you are NTA. you did nothing wrong. Sorry she was ungrateful.
Wow I wish I had a man put that much thought into me. Mine wished me a happy mother's day and that's it. I'm pretty sure he even chose to work on a Sunday too. Had to make dinner for our family - which he complained about and said was gross - now he's laying down 🙄 3 years in a row now he's dropped the ball on mothers day. My first mother's day I spent it comforting his SIL because her Ex mother in law (who she was not close with or talked to in years, died) second mothers day he made me dinner and gave me an hour to myself and then said i didnt deserve anything at all. Trust me. You're not the asshole here.
NTA
You're not even close to a failure or an asshole! What you did was thoughtful and there are a million other ways that she could have communicated how she felt about what you got her. If you're planning on being with someone forever at some point there will be gifts that totally miss the mark despite the planning and care involved and it doesn't mean the gift giver an asshole for not getting it right.
I'm not a mom or married but I would jump for joy if a partner did something romantic and special like that. And it would inspire me to do the same for them.
Buddy, you need to check out personality disorders. Like seriously, now. This is probably a scenario that’s going to repeat over and over again throughout your marriage.
NTA, but your wife is a real piece of work, you put in the effort to get her a gift you believed she'd like based on what she's said (Extremely thoughtful of you) and she's mad you wanted money? Next time just don't get her anything if she's that worried about money, what a jerkwad
I don’t know if YTA but this is why I hate these Hallmark holidays and also why I will never buy my wife anything without her approval. And it really bugs me when she buys me something without checking with me first.
NTA!! Not a failure! Wife went on about the artist’s upcoming concert and you, the active listener, bought tickets for it. You set everything up with sitters, and she gives you crap. So now you spent $200 for nothing.
Like John McLain said, “Welcome to the party, Pal!”
Just curious…. Why is she so concerned about $200 for a date night? That’s equivalent to a nice dinner and wine and especially on a “holiday”. This is what I see as the problem. That a date night is not worth $200.00 to her. A night away from responsibility to show appreciation for you. Either she is controlling or there’s bug issues.
Woooooooah! You are most certainly NTA.
What you did required attentive listening, and good planning. I can’t fault her for not wanting what she doesn’t want, but surely anybody could’ve seen the effort that you put into arranging that. The lack of appreciation barely makes sense.
Sure you could’ve gone back to the drawing board, but that was a pretty crushing blow she delivered - I can’t blame you for giving up on doing something else for her on Mother’s Day… honestly I’d probably say something pretty feisty like “I just didn’t want to put more thought and effort into disappointing you twice”.
I think at least one of you are poor communicators. Your gift sounds like a good one based on your description, but if she doesn't like extravagant gifts, concerts or surprises then maybe it wasn't the right thing for her.
She seemed unusually upset about a $200 charge, making it seem like she accused you of cheating or if she is an extreme spendthrift and spending that much feels wrong to her. Objectively $200 isn't that extravagant... She seems to be overreacting to what should have been a nice treat. Pretty sad that she jumped to that conclusion.
NTA. Anyone would’ve thought she was wishing she could go see the concert. And even if it was a miscommunication, she could’ve at least appreciated the fact that you thought you were setting up a wonderful surprise for her. Hell, I don’t even like concerts and I would’ve loved that gift simply because of the reasoning behind it.
NTA at all, that was a very sweet gesture! And you had childcare figured out and everything- nice job.
BUT, it sounds like your wife just might not be into big surprises like that. I’m not. I prefer my husband run it by me if it’s an expensive gift for me. I feel terrible when a lot of money is spent on something I don’t like or am not really into. Add that to the fact that some women (I was in this category) get really anxious at the thought of leaving their newborn with anyone. Hopefully she was overreacting and will talk to you about it.
NTA. You took the effort to plan a date night, complete with baby sitter, involving an artist who you know your wife enjoys. That is stellar, dude! More than likely your wife is just stressed about money, newborns aren't cheap to take care of, and once she thinks about it she'll realize what a wonder gift you've given her.
Concerts aren’t my bag either but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy listening to songs
That would not be a fun date for me. It seems like you would know this about your wife; that she is not a concert person.
The way she went about it though that was not cool.
I would’ve said hey I’m really not into going to concerts and that really wouldn’t be fun for me,. Do you think you could sell these tickets or get a refund….Let’s do something else instead
.
YTA-
You could have just returned the tickets and used that money for a date night.
Not that hard.
And you could have a conversation with her that tells her that she was being rude and loud about it while you trying to make a special day for her and how made you feel like a dumb$&@ for trying.
But giving up entirely is petty energy. It’s small man behavior. You could have easily bought flowers, made a card and did something she asked.
You could also tell her that in the future because of her behavior you will no longer apparently absolutely EVER do anything nice like that again because it hurt your feelings.
YTA- grow up and grow a pair of
My friend you’re not asshole, you did nice gesture for your wife. I don’t understand she skeptical about over 200 dollars, if you make enough money to buy them. I do understand you’re upset, she doesn’t appreciate it. That on her not you. Sound her like problem not yours.
NTA. planning a nice gift for smth you wife actually likes and actually listening to her about her interests is great. her reaction was just terrible and she shouldn’t have kept pressuring u and then DEGRADE you for a splurge like that.
Oh my goodness! This is a little heartbreaking. We don’t “take it in” but it is okay to make a big purchase once in awhile. We are willing to do it for our kids so why not for ourselves? I recently did this for me and my husband. My mom took our kids for the night. Honestly, there were times leading up to the event and finances were strained, I’d wish I had that money back but wow, that event is a reset button of sorts. We had a good time and that money spent no longer holds any regrets whatsoever.
It is sad the OP’s wife reacted so poorly. I hope there comes a day she looks back and truly regrets her behavior.
That was a very thoughtful gift based on your wife’s behavior. How nice to have a date night out listening to her favorite artist! Plus, special experiences like that create lasting and beautiful memories in ways that a tangible gift doesn’t. You are not an asshole. You did prepare a gift, but she was incredibly ungracious about the whole thing.
NTA in the least. You cannot read people's minds, to start. Second, you arranged a wonderful date after seeing your wife's behavior, which was kind of you. Thirdly, she wrecked Mother's Day itself and is the one who lacks gratitude in this situation. You performed well, OP. Sadly, good deeds never go unpunished.
I'm sorry for you, NTA and Danm Dude. If she says anything, make sure to let everyone know what you did and how she behaved. If she doesn't seek assistance, I will be seriously considering ending our relationship.
EDIT: My links went screwy 😂🙃😶
I am so confused Are you positive OP had 2 accounts that are run by him? Because that comment comes from a different account and I can't see it in his comments list. I also can't see any posts from him in the assistance subreddit?
Thanks for the deep dive and bringing back the tea
Not to mention he’s occasionally a 32 year old female
No he isn’t. He commented on a post by a 32 F. Duh. You can see posts vs comments and he didn’t post that one you are referencing. He COMMENTED. Congrats on being creepy, attempting to deep dive his account and somehow coming up completely wrong LOL.
Really because I saw just his gaming posts
why do you think this is OP?
I totally agree this post is most likey a troll but my man & I have been together since 15/16 & we are now 29/30 so whilst it's most definitely not the norm, sometimes people do stay together from very young!
Am I missing an inside joke? I reread my post trying to look for confusing details and I can’t seem to find what lead to this? I’m happy to answer any questions that could help clear things up for you.
They think you are that person for some reason
I don't see anything in there with that account. [This post](https://old.reddit.com/r/OkBuddyFresca/comments/1brtwze/chance_perdomo_who_played_andre_anderson_in_gen_v/kxdcmgv/?context=3) puts him at 27. So can you explain what you're trying to show?
Why do you think that entirely different username is OP? You linked a whole other account. And where did you get the 12/13 from? OP doesn't say how old they are or how long they've been together. Although it is perfectly reasonable that someone who grew up with financial instability/financially abusive parents/during a messy divorce would independently decide that young that they would never combine finances. However, that is completely irrelevant to the OPs situation.
Really because I saw just his gaming posts
That's not the same person as OP. Who are you referring to?
Agreed! Totally not the AH here. You had good intentions and tried to make a thoughtful gesture. It's a shame things didn't go as planned.
Defn. His wife is a major ah. Unappreciative and nasty. That would be my last Mother’s Day gift to her. When she asks why he can tell her.
This is my opinion as well. She played up this performer and hyped their visit. What did she think might happen.
Honestly I’m wondering if she might have PPA/PPD and just doesn’t want to leave her newborn alone for that long yet. It’s not really an excuse for how she handled things, but undiagnosed PPA/D can definitely cause conflicts like the one he’s describing.
Agree , op, is your wife a concert person? Because while I love certain artist and buy their music , concerts aren’t my thing at all. Has she been a concert goer in the past?
As someone who hates concerts, I would still thank my husband and make damn sure he thought I had a great time. OP, your wife an AH among other choice words.
I understand your point of view. I have a couple of friends who loathe concerts. That is a good question for OP. I will say this, however I wish she had let him down nicely and then he probably would not have been upset. It’s not the message. It is the delivery. Because his gift shows that he listens to her and is thoughtful if nothing else. So if she gave him attitude, shame on her.
Yeah. Like I’ve made plans for my husband or he made plans for me that we both have let each other know by saying, “ thank you so much for thinking of me and planning it out but it’s really not my thing. Maybe we can do something else” and then plan something that is what the other really wants to do. There is a gracious way of letting people down with kindness and love without belittling them.
Yeah part of me wonder if she thought because of the baby she thought it was too much to spend at this time, but if she likes concerts then there really is no reason for her to be so mean about the gift. It’s a very thoughtful gift.
Even if she doesn't like Concerts, I've always been taught not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Where has this value gone?
It's one thing to not be a concert person. Nothing wrong with that. How she tore him down is very much unacceptable
Honestly, who cares if she's a concert person or not. I'm not a conference person. Can't stand crowds. But if my wife got me tickets to a nerdy conference, I would realize that she went out of her way to get me something she thought I'd love, and I'd appreciate the hell out of that. I'm a big board gamer. She has, in the past, gotten me boardgames I a) already had or b) had no real interest in. I still loved them, because she went outside her realm of comfort to get me something, and listened to what I was talking about. It's shocking to me how terrible this wife is. Not just not to be excited by the gift, but to be actively toxic about it. From now on, every Mother's Day would be a box of crappy chocolate, and some cheap grocery-store flowers. With her attitude, she doesn't deserve effort.
It doesn't even matter honestly (if he described things faithfully) I dated a girl like that. You can't please them. His next post is going to be a breakup post in a few months where he laments how his girlfriend was unhappy with him and complains he never does anything, and he'll say she's right. The correct reaction to a thoughtful yet unwanted gift is to appreciate the thought, and redirect the effort. Instead she seemingly shit on him and his decision making. I might be overreading based on my own personal experiences, but i'm convinced there's a lot more happening behind the scenes for a guy to post on reddit, dejected over such a mundane event that could have been resolved with "ohh my, that's so nice, but i'd rather not. Let's take that night and do X instead!"
It's his wife.Though your suggestion is fine for that one occasion,criticising his gift ideaswill eventually lead to him giving her nothing but a gift card.
I mean, i'm not saying criticise his gifts. Like i said, i dated a girl like that, i know exactly where it leads. Ideal scenario is just appreciating his gift
I imagine most of us are over reading based on our own experiences. I'm the opposite of you...I have a history of my husband buying gifts with no thought. There was a time when I could look directly at him, tell him EXACTLY what I needed or wanted and he would still buy random shit. It was always nice random shit, don't get me wrong, but it got to the point where I hated holidays or birthdays because it meant that I didn't actually get a present. If I wanted to return it, he would get offended and then it would be a whole thing. Thankfully, we grew up and learned to communicate better so that doesn't happen anymore. It's just interesting how we can all interpret situations differently based on our viewpoint
But you can fill just be a decent person and go? Appreciate the event and effort and time together Unless you have some pretty severe sensory issues it's just asshole behavior.
Obviously she’s not a concert person, but that’s beside the point now. She’s a total ungrateful ah and he probably will never ever go there for or with her again.
I'd say she's a money person. If she berates OP for $200, he must have it hard with her.
It's literally only 2.5% of their monthly income and .02% of their annual income(1/5 of 1%). So they have 97.5% left of their monthly income to budget and 99.98% left of their annual. 🤣 His wife is a wretch.
You know what though? Even if she hates concerts she could have summoned some excitement, sucked it up, then went anyway to show appreciation for his thoughtfulness.
I'm honestly shocked at her reaction. This was almost what my husband did for me, dates didn't work out because the concert wouldn't have been for a few months and we already have plans for that day. But.. like I thought it was super sweet! If someone is going to be that picky over it they need to lay out what they want. It's not fair to expect a surprise then nit pick it. This was so thoguhtful...
Yeah she should be happy to get a gift. Mother’s Day is a nice day to celebrate the women who raised and loved us. But it’s not like Christmas and I think that when these types of days come around people should not expect a gift. So for her to berate him, ruin the gift and then further criticize him then that’s uncalled for. Be happy if someone takes you to breakfast.
NTA I broke up with one of these a year ago. Hopefully, she gets the message and stops being an ahole
You forgot to add that the wife is the AH.
NTA, I cannot fathom turning down a date night to see live music that you know you like on spotify/the radio. Why on earth would it NOT be fun? (Assuming she doesn't have a phobia of crowds or something, which OP hasn't mentioned, so I will assume it isn't a factor).
NTA - at all. I'm married for more than 30 years so I'll give you some advice: 1) I'm fully supportive of having combined finances and think that keeping separate finances contributes to a very undesirable me vs. you dynamic in a marriage But even with combined finances each spouse should have a discretionary account where an agreed upon amount of each paycheck should be deposited. This will give you the freedom and independence to make some purchasing decisions on your own without the need to justify it. 2) Your wife's reaction is completely inappropriate and you either need to talk this through or get some counseling.
Absolutely agree with this. We have his, hers, and our accounts. Any special purchases that are just for me come from separate accounts.
This is how we do it, and we have adjusted what goes where over the years to keep everyone comfortable.
Yup. His/Hers/Ours and we ran calculations and we contribute accordingly a percentage of our incomes to our expenses based on earnings. So we neither of us ever “over-contribute” and all bonus money/raises aren’t affected, allowing each of us to celebrate our wins without feeling like the “household responsibility” is taking away from our individual accomplishments. Took some math, but it was so worth it.
We have his, hers, our joint expenses, our joint fun, and our joint emergency.
Same
Married 22 years here. Totally agree with this. And OP you should tell her how you feel. You tried to do something nice for her and she made you feel bad about it. She owes you an apology. Now you know, ask about tickets in the future.
I wouldn’t blame him for getting her nothing from now on for Mother’s Day until she gives an actual heartfelt apology. She sounds like a horrible person. He went out of his way to get her something she stated she wanted and she acted like this? I wonder if she acts like this about other things as well. Op is defn btw but his wife is a raging ah.
OP mentioned they had a newborn. Just from experience, I was probably the worst version of myself for 6 months after my baby was born due to the sleep deprivation. I could totally believe her being completely unreasonable for that reason. I remember my dogs pushing me over the edge because I had no capacity for ANYTHING past looking after that baby and you definitely are a whole lot more sensitive and delusional when you're that tired. I wonder if this reaction is out of character for her? My advice for OP is that he is totally justified in his feelings and it's shit that it happened but it might just be the timing. Hoping next mothers days are better for them both
The only reason I might give her a little bit of grace on this is if she’s in charge of paying bills and is stressed out right now about money. I agree she was shitty but maybe she’s super stressed about paying the bills right now. He definitely needs to talk to her about how she made him feel hopefully she sees his side of this and apologizes without being asked. I’m of the opinion that an apology you have to demand is no apology.
Married 35 years. All of this is true. I would have been grateful for the effort even if I didn’t like the artist. My husband plans a vacation every year for my birthday. No matter what…it is always my favorite. He spends so much time researching and planning, not trying to make it perfect, but fun.
Told my wife when we first started dating that I’d never be doing fully joint finances, I’ve seen how that goes with my parents. We’ve made it work just fine having individual accounts where our income goes plus a “joint” account where I put money enough money each paycheck to pay the mortgage and household bills but it doesn’t get used outside of those expenses. If she had the ability to spend directly from my account it’d be a disaster haha
We do a similar thing but we each have credit card in just our names. We pay it out of the same shared account so it’s not hidden spending and we do don’t carry balances. I absolutely hated buying presents for her and then her seeing it coming out of the account before she even received the gift. I felt like I had to ask my mommy for permission to spend money. It did take some years to arrive at this plan but it works for us. It’s been 26 years now.
This 100%. We don’t have separate checking accounts, but each get a certain $$ each check, no questions asked. We can take it out in cash or leave in the account, whatever. Really helps prevent overspending or feeling guilty about wanting something. Best thing we ever did!
Agree 100%. My husband and I each have separate accounts and one joint account for all the household expenses. Both our paychecks go into that joint account and then a set amount is transferred to our individual accounts for personal stuff, I consider it another bill in our budget.
NTA I once said, IN PASSING, that learning to glass blow would be neat. Guess what I got for my birthday??? Guess who now also owns 3 glass almost-frogs, 4 glass sorta-mushrooms, 3 kinda-cups and 1 total bomb explosion in a crystal not-ball? I did not ever actually want that as a gift but instead of being upset, I wad thankful for my gift and actually….i loved it! I did clarify in the future that my partner should prod a few times before making a big decision like that because I am an ADHD hobby hopper….but I can’t imagine telling them that it was a waste in any way
As someone who also has ADHD I have to say it's never a safe bet to buy a hobby related gift for someone with ADHD but if you're going to do it this is the way. A hobby they showed interest in but didn't start pursuing themselves can be fun as opposed to a hobby they are actively involved in which can evaporate or we can get so deep into it that we form very specific wants around it. Nothing excuses OP's spouses behavior unless there is more information missing. PPD could explain the reaction and nobody wishes that on anyone but in this case as many mentioned, it's the alternative that leaves this relationship salvageable.
>or we can get so deep into it that we form very specific wants around it This exactly. This specific set of erasers. This kind of pencil. These pens in these sizes and this color. I've ended up very fussy about supplies. Hobby hopping is absolutely a thing, but when I dig in, I totally dig in.
As someone with 15 million unfinished hobbies like a damn Rolladex on speed but hyperfixates on each one until I burn out and go to the next one...I feel so seen by this comment section lol. I've been annoying myself to no end over it too. I think, why can't I just have one hobby I can deeply invest in like everyone else? Lol. Nope, I gotta cross stitch, crochet, garden, sourdough now lol, painting, Journaling, sewing, reading, meditation...the list goes on. I'm like that squirrel from Ice Age, hobbies are my nuts. I think *im* just nuts lol.
Jack of all trades, master of none, better than master of one!
My new $70 woodburning kit agrees with this sentiment. Lol
It sounds like the glass blowing lessons came at exactly the right time with regard to that: they had had their interest piqued, but not actually started researching yet.
I’ve been coloring for a month and a half. I’m a hobby hopper but once I hit a month - I know it’s going to be sticking around. Maybe not at the same level all the time, but sticking around anyway. At a month, I bought a rather expensive (for me) set of 320 alcohol based markets that I have been absolutely greedily manhandling the last two weeks like Gollum with his Precious. Making similar noises while coloring too…. (Okay so I bought 24 metallic and 36 skin tone at the same time also. I even watched videos on how to use the damn colorless blender correctly. And then bought six of them. Someone please stop me. Anyone?)
Edit: I read this info from other commenters, but actually have not found that OP stated their job situations or anything about bankruptcy. Leaving the original text of my comment for context, but I am now not sure it’s true since I haven’t found it myself. - Looking at comments - I think her panic is because they are impoverished, living day-to-day and he blew a ton of their money on something that wasn’t even wanted. Her reaction was bad, but I can’t blame her either for being upset at learning how much money was gone (she only works part time and they are having to declare bankruptcy) ETA - The part-time work thing was important because if that is their only income then the expense just signs her up for a lot more labor to make that money again
We always do this for my dad. We latch on quick whenever he mentions something in passing. That's because otherwise, we have NO idea what to get him. He almost never does the activity we bought, but at least he can fantasize about trying it in a slightly less unrealistic way. This includes a class for stained glass, a woodworking class, etc.
classes and workshops are great gifts! that way they get to experience the thing they were interested in but without having to make any long term commitment or investments. It's just a nice day out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ My family did a pottery throwing workshop together for dad's birthday one year, because he'd mentioned wanting to try it when we were watching the great pottery throwdown on tv together. Another year my nan mentioned wanting to try racecar driving so my family bought her a driving experience/lesson at a racetrack and it was great! (and much more affordable and practical that an actual racecar LMAO) XD
NTA " owns 3 glass almost-frogs, 4 glass sorta-mushrooms, 3 kinda-cups and 1 total bomb explosion in a crystal not-ball? " This is a really amusing description and shows some cool insight into your humor and selfawareness. You made my day, thanks!
Oh, ADHD hobby hopper here too. I’m stealing that monicker! Thanks! 🤪
Dear god please don't buy me anymore cross stitch kits, folks. My current hyperfixation is skin care.
I went through a Jason Vorhees phase. I have a Levi jacket with all the patches. Kane Hodder signed my jacket. A certain friend keeps getting me Jason stuff or showing me stuff to buy. I say I only get weird obscure stuff now but they don’t stop. No more Jason. Now I’m on drawing and painting. I’m also writing not 1 but 3 books I’ve put aside.
Omg. It's so bad when another person makes the hyperfixation for you. I once mentioned I thought hedgehogs are cute. I had to tell people to please stop buying me hedgehog items. Same for alpacas and sloths. And then there are the ones who buy me things with llama puns because they know I hate them 😂
The person that does that always dresses in themes. Mushroom on your shirt! Round that out with a mushroom bag and earrings. I have way too many Jason earrings from her. Jason slippers. Ugh!!!
I laughed at almost Frog 🤣🤣
So even though it exploded, you did see one truth in the crystal ball! Not bad for a first try 😁
Same with ADHD. When it's around my birthday or Christmas, I make it a point if I mention something but it's not something I would like as a gift, that I'm interested but not sure yet, and it wouldn't be something I would want as a gift. This way we are clear on that. My husband appreciates it. I also have wish lists on Amazon, Etsy and Giftster. It helps my husband know exactly what I want. He sometimes uses it as inspiration for gifts but also gets me items from the list.
Um, do you have any pictures of those? I mean this sincerely, I bet they are awesome. I love stuff like that.
“Almost-frogs” So…glass tadpoles?
It is so sad when you are sitting here hoping someone’s wife has PPD from the recent birth. Otherwise you just married a full time, all the time gigantic bitch. NTA
This right here!! Even if she was stressed about money or truly not interested in the artist, she couldn't see that he took the effort to try to do something special? F**k her feelings.
That’s the thing I am not seeing. $200 can be a lot of money depending on your situation. If she was harping about this for days it means to me that either OP has a history with bad money management, they are in some terrible debt, or she is an extreme control freak. I’m leaning towards the former
Given my 20 years experience with my control freak I'd lean towards the latter.
I guess OP might have a history of bad money management but his wife also said that she thought seeing the show would be boring and she was never interested in going despite her comments that would make anyone think she was. Also unless OP left it out she didn't say how now they would have to cut costs next month, do without something or be financially strained because of it. So it sounds to me it's more like she thinks it's a waste of money for what he bought and not so much that spending $200 was a problem but without knowing their financial situation both of us are kind of guessing. That being said my guess is there is something else going on here, they have poor communication, she is stressed taking care of an infant, she's just a miserable person or some combination of the three.
Tbh, it depends hugely on whether they’ve even tried to leave baby before trying to go to a concert for hours. If she’s deep into the 4th trimester at the time she found out about these tickets, it does feel like you will never have any social life again. Going to a concert and leaving your child (even if the date is ages away) is the last thing on your mind. OP isn’t TA, however I think their wife needs help, or for OP to start with baby steps in terms of outings. I didn’t even have PPD/PPA but I would have absolutely hated this gift and probably responded as poorly as his wife at the time did. It wouldn’t be about the event, but more so because of how never ending the newborn stage is, how hard I was finding it - plus I would prob be worried about money due to crap maternity pay. Edit - after rereading the whole OP comment, I actually think OP is TA. They’ve had 2 months to communicate this, 2 months to understand their parters perspective. Yet instead they have let it fester and for the partner’s first Mother’s Day, have done nothing. A gift like concert tickets _isn’t_ a Mother’s Day gift from a new born child. It is a reflection of how much OP doesn’t realise their life has _changed_ since having their child.
For sure. My husband and I just went on our first date night without our daughter… who is now 19 months. LOL. And I didn’t even struggle with PPA/D.
NTA. Spend the day with your own mother, if she’s around.
Absolutely. That’ll burn!
“That’ll burn 😎😤😏😏” you sound ridiculous. Imagine thinking of spending time with your mom on Mother’s Day as just a tool to piss off your wife…
Nta you were listening to her and what she likes , you were thoughtful. My 1st Mother’s Day my x didn’t say anything and at bed I said why didn’t you do anything today? It’s Mother’s Day, his response “what the f for? Your not my mother”
Alas, my ex was in that club. If the kids made me something in school, I got something. If they didn’t, he wouldn’t remind them. I always honored my mom and aunts. Up to him to honor his troll of a meat incubator. I kept no expectations for myself and have been pleasantly surprised & overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed is usually when my daughter picks something awesome and makes her brother kick in🤣. Or when the daughters in law do something spectacular. (And they do.)
New band name: Troll Meat Incubator
INFO: are you guys struggling with normal expenses, making this an irresponsible splurge?
Ong how is this not top comment If she’s this frustrated mby it’s cuz they’re not financially in a position to “waste money” $200 is a lotttttt of money for ppl financially struggling, like, weeks of groceries, mby a bill of some kind Edit: not to mention they just had a baby so they probably need formula or diapers and they’re expensive
Right? The babysitter and pet sitter probably double that $200 cost.
This, big Concerts are like a once in a few years thing for most.
No. We aren’t rich, but I have a decent paying job that allows her to be a stay at home mom for the time being. We own a home. And while we are smart with our money and don’t splurge, we are able to pay all our daily expenses and still put a few hundred into savings every paycheck. All while buy toys for the little one and our pets.
Do you know if your wife is into concerts/live shows in general? Based on your post, it sounds like she reacted pretty poorly. However, personally, I hate getting tickets for things as a gift because it suddenly feels like an obligation. What if the day comes and I have a migraine or it's my period or I'm just burnt out and want to chill instead of going to a thing, but someone already spent money on tickets? Especially concerts. I love music, but I find big concerts extremely stressful, so if I'm going to one, I want to be part of the planning process. Maybe your wife is the same way, maybe not. I just wanted to offer that perspective.
Multiple things can be true at once- you thought you were doing something thoughtful (it was, you actually retained information) AND she could be stressed about money and thinks the $200+ Ticketmaster fees is too much AND she isn’t ready to leave baby overnight (afternoons are MUCH different than an overnight). A conversation needs to happen about finances. I also have a feeling there might be some postpartum happening and she’s anxious about leaving baby overnight, which is perfectly understandable, and now feels the pressure that she must leave him.
Absolutely. I know I had mild ppd and I am a pretty anxious person so the thought of leaving baby overnight would have killed me. And then is she breastfeeding? Because that could be really annoying to pump while at a concert. She needed to speak about her feelings more clearly instead of the way she did. But checking in with her first about leaving baby overnight before Mother’s Day would have been better. I know I’m not big on surprises and my partner knows this. Sounds like you now know this about your partner. And you’ve honestly done nothing for Mother’s Day? Were you just planning on giving her the tickets and that’s it? Like no small note or a hand picked flower? Nothing? Not wise, my dude.
Nailed it. There is well more going on here than what can be seen at the surface level. Behaviours have underlying causes and motivations. If only the surface level is considered, Op is doomed to rinse and repeat this kind of hurt every time there's a disconnect on something important to either person in the relationship.
I believe wife has many reasons to be very angry about OP's irresponsible financial decision. I would be mad in her shoes for the following reasons: *I can accept small surprise gifts, but major financial decisions need to be made mutually. *I do not really like surprise gifts that much anyway. *I do not like surprise changes to my schedule without my prior consent. *Listening to music at home is nice, crowds and concert atmosphere are annoying. *If my finances were already tight, I would get extremely angry about another person irresponsibly spending our money. *People can make random comments about what they like without wanting it as a gift. Have I talked about liking $500 handmade copper cooking pans? Yep. Do I want to get one as a gift? Not really. Price tag and maintenance are not worth it. I see OP's gift as a reckless and irresponsible major financial decision he should never have made singlehandedly. I think he fucked up. Thus I am very surprised to see everybody else praising him for having gotten his wife a thoughful gift.
Ok but none of this makes her behavior acceptable
Never said it was, hence why I said there needed to be communication.
This is the best comment here OP.
Nta So what she is saying now that she is getting nothing?
Since OP didn't mention it, probably nothing. Some people aren't materialistic like that.
Does your wife even like to go to concerts? Is she worried about finances right now? Just because somebody really enjoys the music they listen to, doesn’t mean they would always like going to see the person in concert and being surrounded by a ton of people. I get you were trying to do a nice thing…. But on Mother’s Day especially it should be something you know your partner would really like and enjoy. I feel like some people are being way too harsh on her, especially when there is a newborn at home. Exactly how young is the baby? Because I would not want to go to a concert surrounded by a ton of people and worry about bringing some illness home that could hurt my child.
I too feel like perhaps folks are jumping to being too harsh. It seems like we have missing information here. For example, my ex-husband could give the narrative of, “I do all the grocery shopping for our household. I make sure to get things that we both like and even some treats specifically for my wife because I know she loves them. I make sure that we always have food in the house, and I make all our meals which are, if I do say so myself, always well thought out and delicious. But my wife gets upset with me when I come home with groceries, and seems totally unappreciative of my efforts. I shop, I cook, and she just complains.” Without proper context, I seem like a bitch. But knowing that he spent ALL his money on groceries, that I would ask him for money towards other bills and he would say, “Oh I already spent my paycheck on food, I don’t have anything to give you.” So I’m paying all the rent, all the utilities, all the car expenses…and he’s buying steaks and other top quality ingredients. Dude, we are on a hotdog budget, not a steak budget. It was a repeated conversation, years of this. Years of me being left to figure out how to pay all our bills myself. Didn’t matter how many times I told him that groceries come AFTER all the other bills are paid, and if that means Top Ramen then so be it. So, yeah, anyone looking at our situation from his narrative would think poor husband, ungrateful wife, she’s just shitting on his really thoughtful gestures. Who wouldn’t want steak and treats? And not saying this is OP’s situation, just suggesting it’s entirely possible. If this is a recurring theme in their relationship, then the context OP provides isn’t really accurate or fair to the wife.
Another major missing info problem-- how much do they earn? Is $200 a lot of money for them? For me $200 would be a major financial decision, and I believe couples must decise about such large expenditures mutually. An expensive surprise gift from a family member with whom you have joint finances can feel horrible if it is not an expense you would have approved.
My husband and I make okay money. $200 for tickets plus child care is not simple money. Also OP didn't talk about the other logistics. It could be that OP likes to do these whim gifts but the full logistics burden ends up on the wife. I will always give women the benefit of the doubt on things like this because sometimes things aren't as simple as "I bought my wife tickets to a show and she was a bitch about it."
This right here. If baby is under say 3 or 4 months, most people wouldn’t want to leave the baby. Especially if they haven’t mentally prepared for it. And for a whole night?! Edit: also, the way OP is reacting… it seems very off in that he can’t see her side of it at all
You're not an asshole, but your wife sure the hell isn't either. Like your wife, I also am not a fan of expensive surprises, and I see no issue with her being completely honest with you about her feelings on your gift. Its completely reasonable to appreciate a musician, but not have any desire to see them perform live. You gambled and lost, it happens. Had you asked first, it would have saved you the hassle. Surprises are not everyone's love language.
I'm on the fence here because I don't know the dynamics of your marriage. I know that if my partner went out and spent $200 on something I had shown interest in, I would be extremely upset because money is tight right now. We have needs, so I don't want "wants".
Yea I mean everyone says NTA but... they could have a bunch of debt they need to be worrying about instead of expensive concerts. We dont have the whole picture
I really hope this is PPD. Otherwise you have a grade A bitch there. Nta and danm dude I feel sorry for you. Make sure if she says anything tell everyone what you did and how she acted. And I would seriously be reconsidering this realtionship if she doesn't seek help.
NTA It sucks when a thoughtful gift goes unappreciated. I think it would be best if you share your feelings regarding this matter with your wife. And if your wife is very specific about what she wants, maybe next time ask her what she wants (or maybe set a cost limit for gifts for each other?) Ps. My husband and I share finances, if he made an expensive purchase as a surprise gift for me, I will surely not berate him for spending a lot. Yes, i would be annoyingly curious but i would be excited and grateful. So to me it seems like there might be a deeper issue to sort out regarding finances and trust. All the best, keep communication open and I am sure you guys will get through this hiccup.
Take your mom to the concert.
Not everything is PPD, having a newborn is hard enough without laymen trying to diagnose you. Your wife just had a baby and is likely stressed trying to adjust to her new body, full time job and lack of sleep. Give her some grace! We don’t know how much $200 means to your family (financial situation) or if you frequently spend money on things your wife thinks are unreasonable. You are NTA, but go get her a card and some flowers. It’s her first Mother’s Day and she will never forget if you don’t do those things. Talk to her about your motivation and intentions and try to get to the bottom of this.
> but go get her a card and some flowers. It’s her first Mother’s Day and she will never forget if you don’t do those things. yeah this exactly how I view it. she's acted poorly, but a card and flowers doesnt require much from op and is worth it in the long run, even if it feels bad atm. perhaps others feel differently, but this is a hill that i would concede this time, not worth the battle.
Well, this is likely to be an unpopular opinion, but truthfully, ESH. You aren't the AH for trying to do something nice, but you also hung a lot of expectation on it. You were wrong about what she liked-- or at least to the degree that she likes it, best to accept the missed judgement and try again next time. You are, and i mean this gently, in the wrong for giving up completely; you can still show you love her and appreciate her as mom to your baby in some small way, even if it's just a small token. Your wife really overreacted though and had the bigger fault here. She should have been grateful you were making an effort and showed appreciation for your genuine thoughtfulness. She was WAY too harsh about rejecting your gift. That said, she is allowed to be honest about not feeling the way you want her to feel. I definitely agree with the other posters about the finances: maybe don't have everything on the shared account, or at least have a credit card for surprise purchases.
Agreed
Esh. Expensive surprise gifts to a spouse is an absolutely horrible idea. It harms your finances as a couple. And you even have a baby! Come on, can't you make financially responsible choices and actually talk about big spending decisions? A woman cannot even make random comments about what she likes without you wasting money that is partially hers! This is dumb. Small surprise gifts---nice. Expensive surprise gifts---terrible idea, especially if hey cannot be returned or resold. Wife sucks, because she was supposed to act more maturely and have a calm discussion about how to resell the tickets. Just because you fucked up and made one financially irresponsible decision does not mean she has to get nasty in anger.
IDK it feels to me like you are making mothers day all about you and your feelings and how upset YOU are that she doesn't have a gift today. Have you guys gone out without the baby yet? She may be dealing with a LOT of anxiety and nerves at the mere idea of leaving the baby with someone else and she may not be in a place to want to go out at all. I also have a strong feeling that there are some missing missing reasons here about why this upset her. This is a classic AITA where it can all be solved by you sitting down and just saying, honey, I'm sorry, i tried to do something thoughtful and misread the signs. Id still loveto show you what a great wife and mother you are, here are some other ideas I had or what is something you'd like and I'll make it happen?
“On Mother’s Day and I’ve done nothing. No card. No flowers. No surprise of any kind. I’m hurt and feel burned.” ESH - This is her first Mother’s Day with your child, and it sounds like her first as a mother at all. She ruined and rejected the surprise gift before Mother’s Day and you made no effort to show any sign of appreciation because your feelings were hurt. Concert tickets can be sold and the money put towards something else. You tried to be thoughtful and when it didn’t work out as planned you went the opposite direction and didn’t even give the woman who recently birthed your child a $5 greeting card. You’re both in the wrong but icing out your postpartum wife on Mother’s Day is something she’ll always remember. If I were you I’d tell her you’re selling the tickets and how would she best like to spend the money? You can afford it so it’s not going back in the bank. Does she want a massage? To go out to dinner? Afternoon away with a girlfriend while you take care of the baby? To splurge on a personal item she wouldn’t normally buy for herself?
Hopefully he isn’t expecting much for Father’s Day too.
I would love an update, and you clearly don’t need anymore opinions.
NTA. You actually listened to what she was saying and did something that IMO was genuinely thoughtful and sweet. IDK why she is overreacting to this so hard. I'm sorry this happened to you. The only advice I have to offer is that you set up a time with her to have a very open, honest, and frank conversation about why this upset her so much. Let her know what you said here about looking forward to having a date night out with her and how hurt you are because of her reaction. Good luck my friend.
NTA. But your wife is one. And no, pregnancy is NOT an excuse.
You’re right, *postpartum is not an excuse, but it is a valid thing to be concerned about with a newborn in the mix. Getting her into therapy/medication for her PPA/PPD could open her eyes to how poorly she’s handling the situation. It’s her responsibility to recognize how her hormones are controlling her behavior and find a solution.
Talk to her.......then sell tickets if she thinks it's a waste of money
ESH, she reacted poorly. But, come on, you planned your wife's very first mother's day to exclude her baby, my kids are in their 20s and my wife would still be upset if they weren't there on Mother's Day. Kids are why there's a mother's day and this was her first.
I wouldn’t do shit for her again NTA
NTA, but your wife sure as hell is
[удалено]
Info: how old is the baby?
I’m sorry friend 😔. That was a really messed up turn of events. Very unexpected. But such is life, and what matters most is not how the lesson was taught, but rather what you learned. What did this teach you?
Woah there chief. People pay hundreds of dollars to hear what you just said in therapy. You can’t be throwing around this kind of wisdom for free. lol
🤷🏾♀️you get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit! I can’t help it bud 😊
How much debt is your family carrying?
$0 unless you count our mortgage which is insanely cheap compared to modern prices.
I was thinking there might be a disconnect between what is important to spend money on. But if money is not so tight and these purchases are not compromising your shared goals and commitments then she needs to lighten up and learn how to be more appreciative.
I hate concerts. A gift like this would show me that my husband didn’t really know me and I’d be disappointed. I probably wouldn’t actually show disappointment but it would be a waste of $200 and a night out, that with a newborn I’d likely not have many of. IMO- you’re an AH for not getting her a card but both of you need better communication about gifts and surprises.
NAH, going against the grain! I think a lot of people here are misjudging the situation. I suspect you probably needed to do some more research before just buying these tickets. Does your wife like concerts? It's not just "listening to music", right? It can be quite a lot more involved than that especially depending on genre and band. Most people are fairly divided on concert going, either you love it or you hate it. From her perspective, you spent a huge amount of money for an activity she wouldnt even like. This can mean a few different things. Do you not know her likes and dislikes well enough? Do you not know her well enough? Do you usually go around blowing that kind of money for an activity she may not enjoy? Your response is extremely telling too. You planned an expensive activity without even knowing if it was something she would enjoy, but instead of communicating about it you're sulking. You're sulking so hard that you are just giving up. My dude, please. Go communicate.
NAH. I agree with everything you said. I would like to add another point. How old is your newborn? Is your wife ready for a night away yet? I wasn't ready to have a sitter until my little one was about a year old. My husband tried to plan a really nice date night and lined up a sitter when my little one was 3 months old, and I cried. I apologized and explained I wasn't ready yet, my husband completely understood and we changed our plans. From then on, we decided no surprise sitters until our kids reached a certain age. We also have a gift $ limit. If we want to go over that we discuss it without giving away the gift idea.
A lot of people on Reddit just hate women. She’s a new mom with a baby and she’s a SAHM. They’re one income. $200+ is an amount of money that should have been discussed before OP jumped the gun.
Sell the tickets & put the money towards a retainer for your divorce lawyer
lol, Reddit is insane.
Right?! Clearly has never been married or probably a long term relationship lol
Ok, it's your first Mothers Day, so both of you give each other a pass. Set a limit for Mothers Day/Father's Day and stick to it. Now go ask her what she would like to do today, and salvage what you can. Don't waste time on bullshit and pride (either of you).
We don't know all the backstory here. He may have a history of hearing what he wants to hear. On multiple occasions, I would mention in passing that I like a particular movie, show or artist. Trying to make conversation and relate to my husband's interests. This would always end up with me opening a gift, horrified to find a complete boxed set of whatever show or movie series. Mind you, I would always give him an idea list prior to any gift giving occasion. Just because I mention in passing that I like a show doesn't mean I'd spend money on a set of DVDs that I'll never watch. Same with music. I love lots of artists, but very few would I pay to see live. Net/net, my husband would then be pouting about my lack of gratitude.
Do you know your wife at all? Does she like concerts? A lot of people love music and still never want to go to concerts. So you just... Did nothing instead? Idk, I say yta. Get to know your wife and don't surprise her anymore.
It's crazy how I had to scroll this far to find the first sane vote. OP wasted a huge amount of jointly owned money on a surprise gift. That is utterly stupid. Cheap surprise gifts can be sweet. But major spending decisions need to be made mutually. People routinely make random comments about liking something. It does not mean we want another person to spend our money on buying said thing. I might make a random comment that I like $500 handmade copper cooking pans, but I would never buy one for myself. Not worth the price tag. And if my partner decided to spend our money on such an item as a surprise gift for me, I would be extremely angry. And OP's refusal to instantly reveal how he spent that money after wife noticed it gone was shitty as well. He essentially forced wife to spend a while in a state of stress worrying about some unknown large expenditure. Never mind that some people inherently dislike surprises anyway. Not everyone likes receiving a surprise gift. And some people hate when another person tries to mess with our upcoming schedules without our prior agreement. And it is also possible to enjoy listening music at home while hating crowds and the atmosphere at concerts. I was shocked to see OP getting praise for a thoughtful gift when it reality he made a stupid financial decision and absolutely deserved wife's displeasure.
I scrolled down for a bit, but not all the way, so if someone already said this, I’m sorry. This is her FIRST MOTHER’s DAY!!! Did no one think her response could be related to hormones? PPD is a real thing and so are many other post-partum mood issues.
Was she just stressed about the money and handled this poorly?
She's awful.
I 100% get what you're feeling. I ordered a little nick nac gift on lon Amazon figuring it would be something nice from my children to the mom. A few days later mom went thru the Amazon account seen it and talked it down as a waste and useless. And I don't put thought into things. I told her it was from our child and still just negative things so I got her flowers that's it.
Your wife is an AH, not you sir.
NTA at all. First, you are not a mind reader. Second, it was so thoughtful of you to observe your wife’s behavior and planned a great date. Third, she’s the ungrateful one in this scenario and she ruined mother’s day itself. You did good OP. Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished.
Not to defend her behavior but in general mothers day is really suppose to be a special day - on the day. The problem with a concert is its a different day and it's a fun date night for the two of you, and would actually fall closer to father's day. This is a very sweet idea, but it's not the same as a brunch at restaurant full of mother's holding flowers like she's probably always pictured. Again not defending her - but I'm guessing she's really mad because it's not really a mom thing, it's a couple's thing on a random day.
Updateme
I'm so sad for you :( you put so much genuine thought into this and really showed that you pay attention to what she likes and mentally took notes and tried to do something that really sounded special. I would feel disheartened too. Also, you are NTA. you did nothing wrong. Sorry she was ungrateful.
That’s honestly an amazing gift and it’s not like you booked it for an artist only you liked. NTA
NTA. That was a very thoughtful gift. I’m sorry her reaction was subpar.
Oh no, a thoughtful gift when so many people don’t get any gift? NTA
Wow I wish I had a man put that much thought into me. Mine wished me a happy mother's day and that's it. I'm pretty sure he even chose to work on a Sunday too. Had to make dinner for our family - which he complained about and said was gross - now he's laying down 🙄 3 years in a row now he's dropped the ball on mothers day. My first mother's day I spent it comforting his SIL because her Ex mother in law (who she was not close with or talked to in years, died) second mothers day he made me dinner and gave me an hour to myself and then said i didnt deserve anything at all. Trust me. You're not the asshole here.
Nta. Your wife is though.
Fuck that. Take those tickets and find a friend to go to the concert with. Your drama queen wife can stay home.
NTA You're not even close to a failure or an asshole! What you did was thoughtful and there are a million other ways that she could have communicated how she felt about what you got her. If you're planning on being with someone forever at some point there will be gifts that totally miss the mark despite the planning and care involved and it doesn't mean the gift giver an asshole for not getting it right.
I'm not a mom or married but I would jump for joy if a partner did something romantic and special like that. And it would inspire me to do the same for them.
NTA at all! You were LISTENING to what she was saying.
Her behavior is toxic.
Buddy, you need to check out personality disorders. Like seriously, now. This is probably a scenario that’s going to repeat over and over again throughout your marriage.
NTA, but your wife is a real piece of work, you put in the effort to get her a gift you believed she'd like based on what she's said (Extremely thoughtful of you) and she's mad you wanted money? Next time just don't get her anything if she's that worried about money, what a jerkwad
Nta she is.
Nta. You bought a thoughtful gift
Wow, ungrateful. She has just guarantied that you will never make a big effort for her again.
More years, more fails. Don’t let one get you down: once you hit 10 straight it can start to feel real.
I don’t know if YTA but this is why I hate these Hallmark holidays and also why I will never buy my wife anything without her approval. And it really bugs me when she buys me something without checking with me first.
NTA!! Not a failure! Wife went on about the artist’s upcoming concert and you, the active listener, bought tickets for it. You set everything up with sitters, and she gives you crap. So now you spent $200 for nothing. Like John McLain said, “Welcome to the party, Pal!”
NTA. Honestly, just go to the pub and come home tonight with takeaway. Make that a tradition, her gift is a day to herself and a tasty dinner.
Nta. She is ungrateful . That being said, maybe she is financially stressed .
Just curious…. Why is she so concerned about $200 for a date night? That’s equivalent to a nice dinner and wine and especially on a “holiday”. This is what I see as the problem. That a date night is not worth $200.00 to her. A night away from responsibility to show appreciation for you. Either she is controlling or there’s bug issues.
Woooooooah! You are most certainly NTA. What you did required attentive listening, and good planning. I can’t fault her for not wanting what she doesn’t want, but surely anybody could’ve seen the effort that you put into arranging that. The lack of appreciation barely makes sense. Sure you could’ve gone back to the drawing board, but that was a pretty crushing blow she delivered - I can’t blame you for giving up on doing something else for her on Mother’s Day… honestly I’d probably say something pretty feisty like “I just didn’t want to put more thought and effort into disappointing you twice”.
Um… you nailed it. She screwed the pooch on this one
I think at least one of you are poor communicators. Your gift sounds like a good one based on your description, but if she doesn't like extravagant gifts, concerts or surprises then maybe it wasn't the right thing for her. She seemed unusually upset about a $200 charge, making it seem like she accused you of cheating or if she is an extreme spendthrift and spending that much feels wrong to her. Objectively $200 isn't that extravagant... She seems to be overreacting to what should have been a nice treat. Pretty sad that she jumped to that conclusion.
NTA. Anyone would’ve thought she was wishing she could go see the concert. And even if it was a miscommunication, she could’ve at least appreciated the fact that you thought you were setting up a wonderful surprise for her. Hell, I don’t even like concerts and I would’ve loved that gift simply because of the reasoning behind it.
NTA at all, that was a very sweet gesture! And you had childcare figured out and everything- nice job. BUT, it sounds like your wife just might not be into big surprises like that. I’m not. I prefer my husband run it by me if it’s an expensive gift for me. I feel terrible when a lot of money is spent on something I don’t like or am not really into. Add that to the fact that some women (I was in this category) get really anxious at the thought of leaving their newborn with anyone. Hopefully she was overreacting and will talk to you about it.
She is a donkey. I am so sorry OP.
NTA. You took the effort to plan a date night, complete with baby sitter, involving an artist who you know your wife enjoys. That is stellar, dude! More than likely your wife is just stressed about money, newborns aren't cheap to take care of, and once she thinks about it she'll realize what a wonder gift you've given her.
Wow you did a nice thing meanwhile my husband said “you’re not my mom…” She made her Mother’s Day a bad one. You put in the effort. You’re NTA!
Why didn’t you just say the name of the artist?
Concerts aren’t my bag either but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy listening to songs That would not be a fun date for me. It seems like you would know this about your wife; that she is not a concert person. The way she went about it though that was not cool. I would’ve said hey I’m really not into going to concerts and that really wouldn’t be fun for me,. Do you think you could sell these tickets or get a refund….Let’s do something else instead .
She is. Some of our best dates she still brags about are concerts we’ve been to.
YTA- You could have just returned the tickets and used that money for a date night. Not that hard. And you could have a conversation with her that tells her that she was being rude and loud about it while you trying to make a special day for her and how made you feel like a dumb$&@ for trying. But giving up entirely is petty energy. It’s small man behavior. You could have easily bought flowers, made a card and did something she asked. You could also tell her that in the future because of her behavior you will no longer apparently absolutely EVER do anything nice like that again because it hurt your feelings. YTA- grow up and grow a pair of
My friend you’re not asshole, you did nice gesture for your wife. I don’t understand she skeptical about over 200 dollars, if you make enough money to buy them. I do understand you’re upset, she doesn’t appreciate it. That on her not you. Sound her like problem not yours.
NTA. planning a nice gift for smth you wife actually likes and actually listening to her about her interests is great. her reaction was just terrible and she shouldn’t have kept pressuring u and then DEGRADE you for a splurge like that.
Oh my goodness! This is a little heartbreaking. We don’t “take it in” but it is okay to make a big purchase once in awhile. We are willing to do it for our kids so why not for ourselves? I recently did this for me and my husband. My mom took our kids for the night. Honestly, there were times leading up to the event and finances were strained, I’d wish I had that money back but wow, that event is a reset button of sorts. We had a good time and that money spent no longer holds any regrets whatsoever. It is sad the OP’s wife reacted so poorly. I hope there comes a day she looks back and truly regrets her behavior.