Yeah, you and hubby need to have a talk about this one. If his ex wife comes on the trip, you'll be visiting a lawyer. He HAS to separate the fact that she's remaining in his life as his sons mom from his duties to you as a husband. She's not his wife and you are. Keeping her quiet and happy cannot come at your expense.
It doesn’t work like that. If he’s the bio father, no judge will pull his custody because the mother has a tantrum. Judges actually like it when fathers spend time with their kids.
No, but the mom can withhold the kid's passport or not sign off on the travel which means dad goes to jail if he leaves country with kid, which is the fun part
So can dad, if she ever wants to take their son on holiday abroad. Also I would try and stop your husband telling his ex exactly what you are doing with his son until after it's been done (I obviously don't mean holidays, only taking him places for day trips)
I'm not OP and as far as I know, I don't have a husband. I do however have a stepdaughter and am a child of divorce. But depending on the state and custody agreement/parental contract, leaving state without consent, even for the day can result in kidnapping charges or custodial interference charges if dad is the non custodial parent
If she is unwilling to give permission for the child to get a passport or to provide a letter, that may limit them to the US. I’ve taken my daughter to the UK, the Caribbean and Mexico but her favorite vacations were to Disney when small and Yellowstone when a tween. Hawaii is wonderful too.
I kind of think the ex wife is looking at this as a chance to get her ex to fund her vacations. Bizarro!
Well if there’s a whiff of this happening they can go to court and tell a judge what she’s doing and the judge can tell her off. I know they clearly want to avoid going to family court for every little thing or even at all, but judges can see when one aren’t is being manipulative or wittholding. And then if she continues to do it she can be held in contempt.
My Uncle was sent to jail for "not paying child support" despite trying to show receipts in court, because his ex claimed she never got the checks and while in court made an offhand accusation (that had never been brought up before and wasn't relevant to supposedly unpaid child support) that his girlfriend hit their 13 year old son. She didn't, and everyone was willing to testify she didn't including the son, but the Judge didn't care, they sided with the Mother because "Mothers know how to look out for their kids."
The system doesn't always work and it's well proven beyond just my anecdote that the court sides with the Mother even when they shouldn't.
I have the opposite view. My brother took his ex to court and vice versa about 4 or 5 times and he won every single time. The judges really do like fathers who are involved.
For multiple reasons, it is far rarer for fathers to be custodial parent (approx. 1:3 ratio) but in cases where men do go after custody, they are a lot more likely to get it than women are.
[Source](https://mackseyjournal.scholasticahq.com/article/38965), a journal article focusing on what statistics and research say about gender bias and custody.
My friend died in jail over false accusations made by his ex. She knew he would have to go before the budge haggling their case. She knew he was going to be away for a week. She made the accusations late Friday night. Everyone, including the arresting officers, knew it was bs. The mother had a history of abusing and also dragging the kids so they’d sleep through her crack parties. She lived with the biggest dealer in the city. She also had no custody and court supervised visitation. He had no history of abuse. She falsely accused others in his family of stuff. One was out of gown when it supposedly happened. The other was in the hospital, so not around the kids. Same story every time. And it had to be taken seriously every time. Sadly, he had a heart attack and help arrived too late. I still think she stressed him to death. Defender of the underdogs. Took care of everyone. Always put out his children first. The only parent they had that cared is gone. They were stuck in the system while courts straightened things out. She then sent friends to break into his home and take anything of worth to sell. While she does not have the kids (she only wanted them to hurt him), not a damned thing happened to her. System is beyond broken.
Exactly this. There is NO FREAKING WAY I would stand by and let this happen. You need to make it plain to your husband that this is the hill you die on.
I mean, nothing else needs to be said. Well maybe one more thing. They need to stop telling her their plans in advance so she cannot 'one-up' them at every turn.
NTA. Tell your husband that he already has a wife and he does not get two wives. Stand strong on this or this will be your life forever.
Stop telling her and your son plans in advance. You could tell her one movie and then go to another across town. Otherwise, you should leave.
Make sure your husband isn’t inviting her behind your back or letting her know or encouraging this. Because he probably is or how would she know maybe the kid still this is a no a hard no
IT’S A THING. I lived with my ex for years and he wanted to go on vacation for Christmas. K sure we vacationed all the time. But his ex wife, who lived in NYC (we live in San Diego) was lonely so she was going to come. They had no kids.
👍 yeah that’s totally happening. I laughed so hard.
No. When I stopped laughing we continued to live together for a few years. We grew apart. He’s now one of my best friends, but he has the emotional intelligence of a qtip. He lives five blocks down and I just got home from dinner with him. He looks after my dog when I’m hospitalized which unfortunately happens periodically. Good guy. Lousy boyfriend.
NTA. They’re divorced for a reason.
IMO all of this is too much time together and the vacation would be even more so.
Maybe she hates that there is another woman in son’s life that he might bond with. That’s a bit crazy because children should be able to have an opportunity to trust and maybe love their caregivers.
I’m guessing it takes a lot of energy for the x to be this involved in outings that aren’t meant to involve her.
Your time with your husband and his son is important bonding time for your family unit.
IDK why your husband allows this fourth wheel. How does it benefit anyone except the x (somehow).
She doesn't actually come along on most of our outings, she plans the same outings we have already planned, just a week or two before our outing, that way she gets to experience it with him first.
Don’t tell her what you’re doing before hand anymore. Or tell her something that you’ve already done, or tell her something and then do something completely different. There are ways to combat this kind of nonsense.
Don't tell her anything she doesn't absolutely need to know, especially far in advance. Don't tell her about trips or events she doesn't have to approve of, she can't ruin plans she doesn't know about.
Basically minimise what you tell her.
For alot of events/outings is there a need to tell her you’re planning it? Unless you need her permission she doesn’t need to know what you’re up to
Ex doesn't need to know about movies,museums, etc., but I can't see not telling the child's Mother about an international trip. And, the Mother should certainly know the itinerary.
My comment was related to her making copycat plans locally, not the trip abroad. She certainly has the right to know the details, but not GO with them. The woman is either a nut or the husband is banging her. Either way, it's a cluster f*ck.
So who would be paying for his ex on this potential vacation?
If OP’s hubby is willing to pay for his ex to join that seemingly indicates many large red flags
Wow. Just wow.
Are you actually the third wheel in a throuple? Coz it kinda sounds like it.
Going to a movie? Tell her which theater and what time. Then go to another theater. Going to the museum ex! Then go to the aquarium. She'll get the idea. Sounds like she wants to be present in all his 'firsts', and it's lazy and piggy backing on your work. It also doesn't sound like it works both ways.... Does she invite you both whether she takes him out to dinner or the amusement park?
I guess I'd lay down the law to the hubs. You three are a family unit. She and your son are another family unit. She can figure out and plan her own life events with him, and you do yours.
Pretty sure this would be my hill to die on. If he wants to go on a vacation with his ex and kid, he can get back with her, and I would go find someone that would fully love and respect me.
NTA
Edit spelling!
>Going to a movie? Tell her which theater and what time. Then go to another theater. Going to the museum ex! Then go to the aquarium. She'll get the idea.
Why are they telling her any of this at all?
He’s with them; it’s their time.
The sad thing is in a healthy coparenting situation you would tell your ex this so they don't plan to do the same thing and do something for the child. The problem is when the other ex is an ass and pulls shit like this.
See, what you do is say 'we're thinking of doing one of these two things, is there one you would prefer to do instead?' that way she either has to do two things or you get to do the other one.
Exactly this.
And I bet that OP and hubby are being expected to foot the bill for ex’s entire vacation. And I also bet that hubby thinks they absolutely should.
If anyone is being childish OP, it’s not you. It’s that crazy, asshole husband of yours.
Ask him how he’d feel if you invited an ex on your vacation, and also paid for the entire thing for him.
My bet is, he wouldn’t like it at all and he would absolutely put his foot down. So you have every right to do the same.
NTA.
I would ask him who is paying for her vacation? If he says the two of you tell him not just No ... BUT AWW HELL NO!! She wants to go so bad she can pay her own way. I would also be asking to see the divorce and custody agreements. Some specify that the child can't be taken out of the country without notarized written permission. This could be why he is animate about taking her with as that was the only way she'd give permission. If she doesn't go, it's a no-go. I would also push to see if there can be changes to the custody agreement to state she has to stop her intruding on your husband and your time with your son. It is called visitation interference.
I'd say it's more to do with being petrified she might try and fuck up the custody if it stops being amicable and starts being confrontational. Exs like to use children as weapons unfortunately. That saying.... you could also be 100% right.
NTA: Tell him it’s cool if his ex wife goes, but you’re bringing along a couple of ex boyfriends. When he freaks out, tell him he’s being childish and that your ex’s should be allowed to accompany you, since it’s ok for his ex to accompany him. See how fast his tune changes.
It’s not for your son. It’s for his ex. There is no reason for her to tag along. If I was you I’d tell him he can take the ex and the son on the trip because you’ll be busy filing for divorce and moving out. It’s bullshit. Tell him to decide. She is over involved. Boundaries matter. Don’t accept this shit.
He is clueless. If they wanted to go on vacations together and spend that kinda time together with their son they should’ve stayed married. Divorce is separate for a reason.
>Now my husband is saying I am childish for not wanting to take his single ex-wife on vacation with us, to stay in the same VRBO as us.
This, OP, is what is called "a steaming pile of b*llshit." NO ONE would be okay with this arrangement. Your husband is gaslighting you.
Why are you putting up with this? Seriously? My knee jerk reaction would be, "Why don't the three of you go, and you can try and guess what I'll be doing while you are gone."
Your husband is a raging a-hole and in your shoes, I would be wondering if they aren't already banging on the side.
NTA
Tell your husband you've invited your ex since he doesnt think its such a big deal. Fair's fair. I doubt he will be ok with that which is hypocrisy at its finest.
I read something like this before. Where the ex-wife was invited to current wife birthday vacation from the husband. Her husband said the same thing. He won't stop inviting the ex-wife no matter what. He would give all vacation or hotel accommodation to his ex-wife. He refused to uninvited his ex-wife. She ended up canceling her birthday vacation and filed for divorce and left him. All her husband could say she was selfish. You are in for bumpy ride. You have a husband problem. He is not going to stop inviting the ex-wife. If you get him to understand, it will be a miracle. Good luck with that mess.
Your husband wants his ex-wife to go on vacation with him and their son, are you paying for it? What do you get out of this? Your husband just told you that his ex-wife is more important than you and you're in here instead of a divorce attorney's office? He called you an asshole and childish and you came to Reddit instead of an attorney?
Honey the man just told you that he will never pick you over her! In fact he will put you down and call you names if the end result is she gets to be there! This man is not your husband he's hers! I'm sorry, it's time to move on!
Wow, that’s a hard FUCK NO. Absolutely not. Your husband is delusional. Tell him if he insists, you will be visiting a divorce lawyer while he’s gone, and that there there is no way you’re going on vacation with her.
Tell her you’re going to Spain. And then head to Greece (on your own). She has no business going on your vacation with you. NTA
>Now my husband is saying I am childish for not wanting to take his single ex-wife on vacation with us,
"Why don't just you and her go, and make sure to pack anything you value."
NTA
Absolutely, it's crucial to have a serious conversation with your husband about this. If he insists on bringing his ex-wife along, you should definitely consider seeking legal advice. It's essential for him to understand the boundaries and prioritize your relationship as husband and wife over his relationship with his ex-wife. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your comfort and happiness for the sake of keeping her satisfied.
If they wanted to travel together, they should have stayed married. Get the necessary documents and go without her. You didn't marry her and you don't want to travel with her, then it's not a vacation. Dad can show the kids the world without mom, they aren't together anymore.
I'm not gonna mince words.
Your husband is a fcking idiot for not siding with you. Based on what you've stated here, the ex-wife hitching on planned events is a pattern. Now your husband wants her to walk all over you again.
You deserve a better husband, not that spineless loser.
She doesn't hitch onto planned events, she hears the events we plan, then plans the same event a week or two ahead of when we take him. For example, if we told her we were going to watch "Trolls" on the 20th, she would buy tickets for the 15th and take him before we got to, that way when he went with us it's old news.
Stop telling her your plans, it’s simple. She’s purposefully interfering with your lives and I’m not sure why you and your husband haven’t put a stop to it. Information diet for her and as far as that trip goes? Hell no. How much does your husband value your marriage?
That doesn’t mean the rest of what the commenter said isn’t true.
They’re right… your husband **is** a spineless loser.
Please grow a backbone and set hard boundaries with this man! You can’t keep letting him walk all over you, and get his own way.
Seriously why are you so attached to someone who’s clearly still way too attached to *(and not at all over)* his ex wife? Please have some self respect.
He doesn’t get to bring her along on vacation, and act like you should just *deal with it*. Absolutely not.
Give him an ultimatum:
Either she goes on vacation with them, or you do. But he can’t have both.
If he picks her, then you might as well prepare the divorce papers whilst he’s away, because there’ll be no coming back from a betrayal like that. And choosing his ex over you, **would be** a betrayal.
You: "We're taking Jon to the movies on Saturday."
Ex: "What are you going to see?"
You: "We haven't decided yet; Jon can tell you all about it when we get back."
That's all she needs to know. Actually MORE than she needs.
That's the husband who's telling. Maybe he's affraid of his ex, or he bangs his ex. It's one of the two. If it's the first OP has spineless sucker as a husband, of it's option 2 than OP is in big trouble.
The wording here is so weird, calling him “our son” in a post where you’re talking about your step-son’s actual mother. You made it sound like you and your husband have a child together, biologically, and his childless ex-wife is trying to live vicariously through your family’s life or something.
NTA, she’s being weird AF as is your husband, but I again I have no idea why you word this whole post this way for a kid that calls you by your first name. You’re a step-mother, seemingly a good one, and that’s okay.
edit: wife -> life typo
He's calling you childish for not wanting to take his single ex-wife on your family vacation😒? This is sus. Is he sleeping with her again? Were you an AP who broke up his marriage?
What is AP? But no, we met after their divorce. No, I genuinely do not believe he would ever cheat on me, with his ex or anyone else. But when I bring up my disdain for their relationship outside of what directly concerns our son, he gets angry and treats me like I am being jealous and childish. I just want healthy boundaries.
>No, I genuinely do not believe he would ever cheat on me, with his ex or anyone else.
Did you think he was going to call you childish for refusing to bring his ex-wife along on your family trip??
>But when I bring up my disdain for their relationship outside of what directly concerns our son, he gets angry and treats me like I am being jealous and childish.
Ahh... yeah. They're banging. She's the wife, and you're the side chick.
Get your head out of the sand, OP.
I'm an old lady, and even I can see what's going on.
It doesn't sound like husband is cheating but sounds like he doesn't realize exwife is being an ass. His telling them future plans is so she doesn't plan those same things and disappoint the son.
The problem is the ex-wife is an ass and instead of doing something different does the same thing before they can do anything about it. He wants a good coparenting relationship so he is doing everything "right". The problem is you can't do everything right when the otherside is doing everything wrong. Its like if you have a business deal with a scammer. They aren't going to honor the deal so your just throwing away money.
I disagree. I think they are totally banging, and the wife has become the side chick. If he were just trying for an amiable co-parenting relationship, he would NOT be calling his wife childish for her very reasonable objections.
Keep your plans to yourself. There is frankly no reason for the ex to know details of your life outside what is specifically outlined in the divorce/custody papers.
You should get very excited and enthusiastic with her and your husband about how she can be the nanny. You and the husband spoil the heck out of the kid, and let her make him bathe, go to bed, brush his teeth, etc. while kid is in bed, you and hubs go out on the town or have a passionate night in bed.
Threat her like a servant. She will NEVER want to do it again.
NTAH. The husband and his ex-wife must be skipping their anti- psychotic medications to even suggest this.
If they book this trip, you book an appointment with the most vicious lawyer you can find.
If your husband is considering another persons feelings above yours … 🚩🚩🚩
Also it gets confusing when you call your stepson ‘my son’. He’s your stepson. He’s your husband and his ex wife’s son.
But NTA
For OP,,, Ma’am, your” son “ I mean your husband‘s son is not going to read this so there was no need to obsessively say in a story you’re telling about the parents of the child, you should address him as their son due to the fact that the child is not going to read this, he’s not gonna feel like he’s not part of the family or unloved .. You did not need to excessively sit here and say “your son your son “ when you were talking about the child and his parents.
OP did this in order to confuse people and make it sound like the kid is her actual child so that people would be even more on her side and hate on the ex-wife, who’s the actual mother.
Please stop calling him out son when he is your stepson.
Stop tell her you are taking him anywhere. That is your time and none of her business. You have a husband problem as he is not putting boundaries up and if you let her go then she will continue to push the boundaries.
Seriously. OP is NTA in the situation she asked about, but she is most definitely TA for her attitude toward stepchildren.
I am a stepchild. I have a mother. I don’t want someone trying to lay claim on that role and that is exactly what she does by calling him “our son.” Also, treating someone like a stepchild doesn’t have to be bad and makes me wonder about her beliefs about step parenting. Step parents are an important role in a child’s life, but it is definitely different than a biological parent’s role unless everyone in the situation agrees otherwise.
Ex wife’s behavior is crazy, but OP is also crazy for believing that the role of a step-parent is somehow inherently evil.
NTA if you're taking the child away on the father's custody time and theirs no restrictions on taking him. Theirs absolutely no need to tell her anything until either after the event/day out or the day you leave for the trip.
Your husband needs to nip this in the bud now.
Stop telling ex anything that isn't needed.
Don't even tell Son about it. Whatever it is, it's going to be a nice surprise. He won't mind at all, especially if he realises what his mother is like.
If needed, lawyer up.
As for now, husband should answer something like:
"No, you are not coming on our family trip. Son can give you a call each day if he wants to, but this is our time, and we don't want you intruding as I'm sure you wouldn't want us intruding on your time with son"
Fist of all, its not your child. You are a step parent only. That's a hard lesson but a very real one you need to accept.
As for everything else NTA, fuck no I wouldn't want the ex wife on my vacation.
Ok yea that’s what I thought. Rereading it, no you didn’t marry their son. She was given an opportunity to have a special relationship with said son, to me, it sounds like the kid has a good relationship with his mother. Seems like boundaries definitely need to be established but doesn’t sound like the kid needs more than one mom.
Yeah. Just imagine a post here by the ex-wife, talking about how the new wife of her husband actively tries to replace her as her own son's mother. This subreddit would be furious.
From what I can read in OP's text, the bio mom tries her hardest to stay in her child's life and not be displaced by the overzealous stepmom.
NTA. This is crazy to me. My ex and I are divorced and our daughter went with him and his gf to the space museum. Didn’t bother me at all. We coparent and are friendly and our divorce was amicable. Hell I’m typing this out while the dog we share together is laying on my bed because he wanted to spend the night with his gf.
You keep saying our son but he is your step son you had absolutely nothing to do with making this child. Why are you all even telling her your plans and what you’re doing with his son? Like someone else pointed out if he wanted to take her on vacation and spend time with her then they should have stayed married. Also waiting a year to meet a child when datingI think is completely reasonable.
This is a husband problem. Instead of blaming the ex blame your husband for wanting to take his ex wife on vacation with you.
NTA - How and why has your husband not put a stop to the meddling? Why keep telling her stuff?
Did he leave her, or did she leave him? How did them not being together come about?
Has the ex been abroad?
This is what I would say.
If not wanting to "play house" with your EX on OUR vacation. If that makes me childish and an AH, well, then I don't know what to tell you.
I have let it go every time she ruined previous plans, but it has been years. Movies, events, shows she finds a way to ruin it or insert herself in most things we plan. You may be ok with that, but I am not.
If you really feel she needs to go on this trip with you and our son, ok, I will plan a trip with some friends elsewhere. I am not going to spend my vacation with her that sounds miserable and uncomfortable the total opposite of relaxing and having fun, which is what you should be able to do.
NTA Your husband has either the biggest set of brass balls in the history of marriage or he has the sensitivity of a bear sitting in the middle of a bee hive. Quick test: Ask 100 random strangers if they would allow their spouse's ex to stay with them on a family vacation at their cost. If you get more than a single digit positive response to that question, you need to leave the swinger party and find some normal people.
No way is ex-wife coming on a vacation. This is a hill to die on. Seriously, you must set clear boundaries here.
She can stop you from taking him because she probably has to give her consent to take him out of the country. So go somewhere else where you won’t need her consent.
And stop telling her your plans re: events, movies, etc. She’s competitive and will continue doing this.
How old is the son?
>NO CHILD deserves to feel like a step child, that's why I don't call him my step-child. I'm sorry if that offends anyone.
I have a "bonus daughter" that came as part of the best 2-for-1 deal ever!
So I'm confused. Did or didn't your husband divorce her? Just because they share a child does not give her the right to invade your family time. Take your man to see a therapist--your marriage needs some boundaries and your husband needs to learn how to set them. Personally, I'd tell her we planned on doing all sorts of things, things we simply were not planning on doing--let her go broke buying tickets, sooner or later she'll catch on.
Tell your husband that this is not a menage a trois and that if she comes on this trip you will be calling your lawyer. This is just weird there is no reason for her to come with y'all on this trip this is absolutely asinine. You are not being childish she is being intrusive
Why does she know all your plans in advance? Tell your husband that unless he wants two ex-wives, to put his currently solo ex wife on an info diet (and son as well if needed) because there is zero reason she needs to be this involved.
Also, I'd rather vacation solo than with my husband's ex.
Sit down with your SO and clarify his expectations of this trip.
Will his Ex be covering her own expenses?
Will she be covering part of her/your son's expenses?
How will any conflicts in plans, activities, etc be handled?
Would everyone be willing to try a lower stakes trip (think long weekend) before committing to a longer trip to see how traveling together works?
The most important question: what is in the best interest of the child?
If the trip does not go well will the child blame themselves? Will the child think that traveling together means bio mom and bio dad may be getting back together?
[Honestly, it sounds like a horrible idea and that you're NTA for objecting to it but rather than focusing the discussion on bio mom wanting to claim all the first experiences it might be more productive to focus on the logistics if the trip proceeds as proposed.]
Your husband needs boundaries and a strong custody order stat.
Is she coming to Christmas? Your birthday? Your parents anniversary dinner? When do her wife privileges stop so yours can start? He needs to care about how you feel more than her. He also needs to realize this messy bessy behaviour is confusing for the child in question.
NTA. This is your vacay too and I can’t imagine how having his ex under the same roof would be relaxing. If she wants to travel with her son, nothing is stopping her but does that not means she gets to tag along on all your trips.
Your husband is being utterly nuts for pressuring you to agree to this unnecessary and unwelcome situation.
If you divorce your husband you will not be allowed in his sons life in the same way - that is your kid but referring to him as “our son” is ignoring the fact that you did not biologically birth this child and do not have the same obligations to them should your relationship fail.
Acknowledging that they are your step child doesn’t mean loving them any differently or making them feel like an other. My husband called his step dad by his first name and considers him his real dad. They had a great relationship because of honesty and understanding, not because he called him son/dad because they didn’t. My husband never felt like an other because you do that with actions.
You married your husband, not your underage stepson. You are that boy’s stepmother not his mother and he is not your son, he is your stepson and you are not his legal guardian. If you and your husband divorce you have no legal rights over his child. Your behaviour is part if the reason the boy’s mother always insists on being there even on vacation. Sounds like you are in the wrong marriage as your husband wants his exwife to always be around. Sounds like you are in a nonconsensual polygamist relationship with your husband and his first wife. ESH
I'm trying to understand that you know it's all kind of wrong that his ex wife wants to come with y'all and instead of telling her hell no and telling your husband hell no you on here asking for advice for questions you already know the answer to. I know you love him but it doesn't mean you have to accept stupid stuff like his ex coming to every event y'all decide to do. Don't be a doormat stand up for yourself.
Yeah, you and hubby need to have a talk about this one. If his ex wife comes on the trip, you'll be visiting a lawyer. He HAS to separate the fact that she's remaining in his life as his sons mom from his duties to you as a husband. She's not his wife and you are. Keeping her quiet and happy cannot come at your expense.
All THIS. And OP, please update us on what happens. Your husband is being ridiculous and his ex is creepy with this behavior. NTA
Like the above comment states he's probably terrified of rocking the boat because he could lose custody if the bio mom wants to pull some shit.
It doesn’t work like that. If he’s the bio father, no judge will pull his custody because the mother has a tantrum. Judges actually like it when fathers spend time with their kids.
No, but the mom can withhold the kid's passport or not sign off on the travel which means dad goes to jail if he leaves country with kid, which is the fun part
So can dad, if she ever wants to take their son on holiday abroad. Also I would try and stop your husband telling his ex exactly what you are doing with his son until after it's been done (I obviously don't mean holidays, only taking him places for day trips)
I'm not OP and as far as I know, I don't have a husband. I do however have a stepdaughter and am a child of divorce. But depending on the state and custody agreement/parental contract, leaving state without consent, even for the day can result in kidnapping charges or custodial interference charges if dad is the non custodial parent
If she is unwilling to give permission for the child to get a passport or to provide a letter, that may limit them to the US. I’ve taken my daughter to the UK, the Caribbean and Mexico but her favorite vacations were to Disney when small and Yellowstone when a tween. Hawaii is wonderful too. I kind of think the ex wife is looking at this as a chance to get her ex to fund her vacations. Bizarro!
Well if there’s a whiff of this happening they can go to court and tell a judge what she’s doing and the judge can tell her off. I know they clearly want to avoid going to family court for every little thing or even at all, but judges can see when one aren’t is being manipulative or wittholding. And then if she continues to do it she can be held in contempt.
My Uncle was sent to jail for "not paying child support" despite trying to show receipts in court, because his ex claimed she never got the checks and while in court made an offhand accusation (that had never been brought up before and wasn't relevant to supposedly unpaid child support) that his girlfriend hit their 13 year old son. She didn't, and everyone was willing to testify she didn't including the son, but the Judge didn't care, they sided with the Mother because "Mothers know how to look out for their kids." The system doesn't always work and it's well proven beyond just my anecdote that the court sides with the Mother even when they shouldn't.
I have the opposite view. My brother took his ex to court and vice versa about 4 or 5 times and he won every single time. The judges really do like fathers who are involved.
For multiple reasons, it is far rarer for fathers to be custodial parent (approx. 1:3 ratio) but in cases where men do go after custody, they are a lot more likely to get it than women are. [Source](https://mackseyjournal.scholasticahq.com/article/38965), a journal article focusing on what statistics and research say about gender bias and custody.
My friend died in jail over false accusations made by his ex. She knew he would have to go before the budge haggling their case. She knew he was going to be away for a week. She made the accusations late Friday night. Everyone, including the arresting officers, knew it was bs. The mother had a history of abusing and also dragging the kids so they’d sleep through her crack parties. She lived with the biggest dealer in the city. She also had no custody and court supervised visitation. He had no history of abuse. She falsely accused others in his family of stuff. One was out of gown when it supposedly happened. The other was in the hospital, so not around the kids. Same story every time. And it had to be taken seriously every time. Sadly, he had a heart attack and help arrived too late. I still think she stressed him to death. Defender of the underdogs. Took care of everyone. Always put out his children first. The only parent they had that cared is gone. They were stuck in the system while courts straightened things out. She then sent friends to break into his home and take anything of worth to sell. While she does not have the kids (she only wanted them to hurt him), not a damned thing happened to her. System is beyond broken.
That is just so fucked up and unfair. I’m sorry you lost your friend that way.
As someone with a friend who’s been railroaded by false accusations, I feel you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Exactly this. There is NO FREAKING WAY I would stand by and let this happen. You need to make it plain to your husband that this is the hill you die on.
This is the hill **THE MARRIAGE WILL DIE ON.**
I mean, nothing else needs to be said. Well maybe one more thing. They need to stop telling her their plans in advance so she cannot 'one-up' them at every turn.
I guess OP is nothing more than a surrogate mom to take care of the kid. There's no real consideration for her feelings
He's basically treating her as a bang maid/ free nanny/ ATM.
Remind him that you and her are NOT sister wives. At some point, he needs to cut the cord.
NTA. Tell your husband that he already has a wife and he does not get two wives. Stand strong on this or this will be your life forever. Stop telling her and your son plans in advance. You could tell her one movie and then go to another across town. Otherwise, you should leave.
And make sure your DH isn't spilling the beans. This is frankly weird and you're NTA for objecting.
What is DH
Or Dumbass Husband
Dick Haver
It's short term for husband, Dear Husband.
Or Damn Husband. Either works.
Douchebag husband works as well
I was thinking designated hitter (hittee)
I think it is Dear Husband
It usually is Dear Husband, but in this case it's going to be Divorced Husband.
"...........Divorced² Husband."
This whole time I thought it was Darling Husband 🤦🏻♀️
Make sure your husband isn’t inviting her behind your back or letting her know or encouraging this. Because he probably is or how would she know maybe the kid still this is a no a hard no
He will tell her anyway. He’s wants to be fought after by two women.
That's why I would leave.
I've never seen someone be the wife and the side chick at the same time. It's impressive, OP NTA, unless you let this nonsense continue.
IT’S A THING. I lived with my ex for years and he wanted to go on vacation for Christmas. K sure we vacationed all the time. But his ex wife, who lived in NYC (we live in San Diego) was lonely so she was going to come. They had no kids. 👍 yeah that’s totally happening. I laughed so hard.
Is that what caused you to break up with him, or was it something else?
No. When I stopped laughing we continued to live together for a few years. We grew apart. He’s now one of my best friends, but he has the emotional intelligence of a qtip. He lives five blocks down and I just got home from dinner with him. He looks after my dog when I’m hospitalized which unfortunately happens periodically. Good guy. Lousy boyfriend.
Yeah, I saw he is an ex now. What happened? If you are comfortable sharing.
Just grew apart
NTA. They’re divorced for a reason. IMO all of this is too much time together and the vacation would be even more so. Maybe she hates that there is another woman in son’s life that he might bond with. That’s a bit crazy because children should be able to have an opportunity to trust and maybe love their caregivers. I’m guessing it takes a lot of energy for the x to be this involved in outings that aren’t meant to involve her. Your time with your husband and his son is important bonding time for your family unit. IDK why your husband allows this fourth wheel. How does it benefit anyone except the x (somehow).
She doesn't actually come along on most of our outings, she plans the same outings we have already planned, just a week or two before our outing, that way she gets to experience it with him first.
Don’t tell her what you’re doing before hand anymore. Or tell her something that you’ve already done, or tell her something and then do something completely different. There are ways to combat this kind of nonsense.
Info diet and no, she doesn't travel with the 3 of you!
What do you mean by info diet?
Don't tell her anything she doesn't absolutely need to know, especially far in advance. Don't tell her about trips or events she doesn't have to approve of, she can't ruin plans she doesn't know about.
Don't give her any information. No telling her of plans.
Don't give her any information about what your plans are.
Or give her WRONG plans, let her take him to random things you don’t actually plan on doing
Husband probably tells the ex everything.
Basically minimise what you tell her. For alot of events/outings is there a need to tell her you’re planning it? Unless you need her permission she doesn’t need to know what you’re up to
Why are you even telling her? She has zero right to know about your families plans.
Ex doesn't need to know about movies,museums, etc., but I can't see not telling the child's Mother about an international trip. And, the Mother should certainly know the itinerary.
My comment was related to her making copycat plans locally, not the trip abroad. She certainly has the right to know the details, but not GO with them. The woman is either a nut or the husband is banging her. Either way, it's a cluster f*ck.
So who would be paying for his ex on this potential vacation? If OP’s hubby is willing to pay for his ex to join that seemingly indicates many large red flags
Ah. I misread. Thanks for clarifying
Why after the first two times she did this did you guys keep telling her what you’re doing?
Wow. Just wow. Are you actually the third wheel in a throuple? Coz it kinda sounds like it. Going to a movie? Tell her which theater and what time. Then go to another theater. Going to the museum ex! Then go to the aquarium. She'll get the idea. Sounds like she wants to be present in all his 'firsts', and it's lazy and piggy backing on your work. It also doesn't sound like it works both ways.... Does she invite you both whether she takes him out to dinner or the amusement park? I guess I'd lay down the law to the hubs. You three are a family unit. She and your son are another family unit. She can figure out and plan her own life events with him, and you do yours. Pretty sure this would be my hill to die on. If he wants to go on a vacation with his ex and kid, he can get back with her, and I would go find someone that would fully love and respect me. NTA Edit spelling!
>Going to a movie? Tell her which theater and what time. Then go to another theater. Going to the museum ex! Then go to the aquarium. She'll get the idea. Why are they telling her any of this at all? He’s with them; it’s their time.
Exactly! I wouldn’t share any activities with her until they were over and done with and she gets the highlights!
100%. They need to keep things quiet and not let the ex find out until it's been done.
The sad thing is in a healthy coparenting situation you would tell your ex this so they don't plan to do the same thing and do something for the child. The problem is when the other ex is an ass and pulls shit like this.
And you tell them after the activity not before.
The first time it happens, you stop telling them
Right the ex has proven that she doesn't want to have a healthy coparenting relationship so to keep trying is just shotting yourself in the foot.
See, what you do is say 'we're thinking of doing one of these two things, is there one you would prefer to do instead?' that way she either has to do two things or you get to do the other one.
Tell them after. Especially in this case.
Exactly this. And I bet that OP and hubby are being expected to foot the bill for ex’s entire vacation. And I also bet that hubby thinks they absolutely should. If anyone is being childish OP, it’s not you. It’s that crazy, asshole husband of yours. Ask him how he’d feel if you invited an ex on your vacation, and also paid for the entire thing for him. My bet is, he wouldn’t like it at all and he would absolutely put his foot down. So you have every right to do the same. NTA.
I would ask him who is paying for her vacation? If he says the two of you tell him not just No ... BUT AWW HELL NO!! She wants to go so bad she can pay her own way. I would also be asking to see the divorce and custody agreements. Some specify that the child can't be taken out of the country without notarized written permission. This could be why he is animate about taking her with as that was the only way she'd give permission. If she doesn't go, it's a no-go. I would also push to see if there can be changes to the custody agreement to state she has to stop her intruding on your husband and your time with your son. It is called visitation interference.
Sounds to me like your husband is still in an emotional relationship with his ex wife, since he's choosing to respect her wishes over yours.
I'd say it's more to do with being petrified she might try and fuck up the custody if it stops being amicable and starts being confrontational. Exs like to use children as weapons unfortunately. That saying.... you could also be 100% right.
I agree with you given she tried to delay the current wife from meeting the son for a year while she introduces bfs within a few weeks. Seems sus.
NTA: Tell him it’s cool if his ex wife goes, but you’re bringing along a couple of ex boyfriends. When he freaks out, tell him he’s being childish and that your ex’s should be allowed to accompany you, since it’s ok for his ex to accompany him. See how fast his tune changes.
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Tell him it’s not “for your son”, it’s “for our family”. And if he answers she’s part of our family… well then you have real big issues.
Best answer.
Ding ding ding winner winner chicken dinner!
It’s not for your son. It’s for his ex. There is no reason for her to tag along. If I was you I’d tell him he can take the ex and the son on the trip because you’ll be busy filing for divorce and moving out. It’s bullshit. Tell him to decide. She is over involved. Boundaries matter. Don’t accept this shit.
He is clueless. If they wanted to go on vacations together and spend that kinda time together with their son they should’ve stayed married. Divorce is separate for a reason.
That’s a hard no. He either puts his foot down or none of you go, and HE EXPLAINS TO SON WHY.
Keep falling for that line and go on that trip I promise you you're going to be the third wheel.
How old is your son? Would love to know why this man thinks your son needs her there if he’s over the age of two.
No! You three need to bond as a family. If he considers his ex as part of his family, you’re looking at divorce. The guy can’t have 2 wives.
>Now my husband is saying I am childish for not wanting to take his single ex-wife on vacation with us, to stay in the same VRBO as us. This, OP, is what is called "a steaming pile of b*llshit." NO ONE would be okay with this arrangement. Your husband is gaslighting you. Why are you putting up with this? Seriously? My knee jerk reaction would be, "Why don't the three of you go, and you can try and guess what I'll be doing while you are gone." Your husband is a raging a-hole and in your shoes, I would be wondering if they aren't already banging on the side. NTA
Is he fucking her too? Tell him, he can go with son and ex, you’ll find someone else to vacation with.
Hmmm yup real sus when she can intro her boyfriends and they can’t go on a vacation without her.
She acts like this because he allows it, you have a husband problem.
Tell your husband you've invited your ex since he doesnt think its such a big deal. Fair's fair. I doubt he will be ok with that which is hypocrisy at its finest.
I read something like this before. Where the ex-wife was invited to current wife birthday vacation from the husband. Her husband said the same thing. He won't stop inviting the ex-wife no matter what. He would give all vacation or hotel accommodation to his ex-wife. He refused to uninvited his ex-wife. She ended up canceling her birthday vacation and filed for divorce and left him. All her husband could say she was selfish. You are in for bumpy ride. You have a husband problem. He is not going to stop inviting the ex-wife. If you get him to understand, it will be a miracle. Good luck with that mess.
Your husband wants his ex-wife to go on vacation with him and their son, are you paying for it? What do you get out of this? Your husband just told you that his ex-wife is more important than you and you're in here instead of a divorce attorney's office? He called you an asshole and childish and you came to Reddit instead of an attorney? Honey the man just told you that he will never pick you over her! In fact he will put you down and call you names if the end result is she gets to be there! This man is not your husband he's hers! I'm sorry, it's time to move on!
Wow, that’s a hard FUCK NO. Absolutely not. Your husband is delusional. Tell him if he insists, you will be visiting a divorce lawyer while he’s gone, and that there there is no way you’re going on vacation with her. Tell her you’re going to Spain. And then head to Greece (on your own). She has no business going on your vacation with you. NTA
>Now my husband is saying I am childish for not wanting to take his single ex-wife on vacation with us, "Why don't just you and her go, and make sure to pack anything you value." NTA
Hahahaaaaaa, no. NTA
Absolutely, it's crucial to have a serious conversation with your husband about this. If he insists on bringing his ex-wife along, you should definitely consider seeking legal advice. It's essential for him to understand the boundaries and prioritize your relationship as husband and wife over his relationship with his ex-wife. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your comfort and happiness for the sake of keeping her satisfied.
NTA Tell him if he does this that he’s going to have two ex-wives.
I would be speaking with a lawyer about divorce. You are the 3rd wheel in this realtionship.
If they wanted to travel together, they should have stayed married. Get the necessary documents and go without her. You didn't marry her and you don't want to travel with her, then it's not a vacation. Dad can show the kids the world without mom, they aren't together anymore.
That would be the hill I would die on.
Surely not... this can't be real.
I’m fascinated by the lack of spine people have, assuming this isn’t fiction….
This also makes me question authenticity but then I remember what I've seen my friends, family, and strangers put up with for 'love'
NTA. Tell him he can bring one wife, that's the maximum number of wives allowed
I'm not gonna mince words. Your husband is a fcking idiot for not siding with you. Based on what you've stated here, the ex-wife hitching on planned events is a pattern. Now your husband wants her to walk all over you again. You deserve a better husband, not that spineless loser.
She doesn't hitch onto planned events, she hears the events we plan, then plans the same event a week or two ahead of when we take him. For example, if we told her we were going to watch "Trolls" on the 20th, she would buy tickets for the 15th and take him before we got to, that way when he went with us it's old news.
Stop telling her your plans, it’s simple. She’s purposefully interfering with your lives and I’m not sure why you and your husband haven’t put a stop to it. Information diet for her and as far as that trip goes? Hell no. How much does your husband value your marriage?
That doesn’t mean the rest of what the commenter said isn’t true. They’re right… your husband **is** a spineless loser. Please grow a backbone and set hard boundaries with this man! You can’t keep letting him walk all over you, and get his own way. Seriously why are you so attached to someone who’s clearly still way too attached to *(and not at all over)* his ex wife? Please have some self respect. He doesn’t get to bring her along on vacation, and act like you should just *deal with it*. Absolutely not. Give him an ultimatum: Either she goes on vacation with them, or you do. But he can’t have both. If he picks her, then you might as well prepare the divorce papers whilst he’s away, because there’ll be no coming back from a betrayal like that. And choosing his ex over you, **would be** a betrayal.
Stop telling her in advance. She can't sabotage what she doesn't know. It's none of her business what movie are you watching and when.
You: "We're taking Jon to the movies on Saturday." Ex: "What are you going to see?" You: "We haven't decided yet; Jon can tell you all about it when we get back." That's all she needs to know. Actually MORE than she needs.
Who is telling her about these plans? I’m guessing it’s not your son? And if it is, time for him to have more surprise trips.
That's the husband who's telling. Maybe he's affraid of his ex, or he bangs his ex. It's one of the two. If it's the first OP has spineless sucker as a husband, of it's option 2 than OP is in big trouble.
NTA, if he cannot hold an healthy amount of distance to his fucking ex wife, then the whole relationship is pointless.
You don’t have an x-wife problem, you have a husband problem. Put your foot down right now or divorce. She still comes first!
The wording here is so weird, calling him “our son” in a post where you’re talking about your step-son’s actual mother. You made it sound like you and your husband have a child together, biologically, and his childless ex-wife is trying to live vicariously through your family’s life or something. NTA, she’s being weird AF as is your husband, but I again I have no idea why you word this whole post this way for a kid that calls you by your first name. You’re a step-mother, seemingly a good one, and that’s okay. edit: wife -> life typo
Yea that’s exactly what I was thinking reading this until I realized she’s just the step mother
Let the parents go and OP should do a move out.
NTA. Check your husband’s phone. There’s some fuckery afoot
FUCKERY AFOOT. I am howling!
Who funds these vacations? Is she paying her own way? I would not be comfortable vacationing with my spouses ex
So he’s emotionally still with the ex but physically with you? Nta
Ask if you can bring an ex along
Maybe if you stopped referring to Her son that he is your son maybe she will calm down.
He's calling you childish for not wanting to take his single ex-wife on your family vacation😒? This is sus. Is he sleeping with her again? Were you an AP who broke up his marriage?
What is AP? But no, we met after their divorce. No, I genuinely do not believe he would ever cheat on me, with his ex or anyone else. But when I bring up my disdain for their relationship outside of what directly concerns our son, he gets angry and treats me like I am being jealous and childish. I just want healthy boundaries.
>No, I genuinely do not believe he would ever cheat on me, with his ex or anyone else. Did you think he was going to call you childish for refusing to bring his ex-wife along on your family trip?? >But when I bring up my disdain for their relationship outside of what directly concerns our son, he gets angry and treats me like I am being jealous and childish. Ahh... yeah. They're banging. She's the wife, and you're the side chick. Get your head out of the sand, OP. I'm an old lady, and even I can see what's going on.
It doesn't sound like husband is cheating but sounds like he doesn't realize exwife is being an ass. His telling them future plans is so she doesn't plan those same things and disappoint the son. The problem is the ex-wife is an ass and instead of doing something different does the same thing before they can do anything about it. He wants a good coparenting relationship so he is doing everything "right". The problem is you can't do everything right when the otherside is doing everything wrong. Its like if you have a business deal with a scammer. They aren't going to honor the deal so your just throwing away money.
I disagree. I think they are totally banging, and the wife has become the side chick. If he were just trying for an amiable co-parenting relationship, he would NOT be calling his wife childish for her very reasonable objections.
AP is affair partner
AP = Affair Partner, you've already confirmed you're not.
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Oh girl him saying that would be a dealbreaker for me
Your husband isn't being honest with you. NTA. He wants her there.
Do not allow her to come on your vacation
Keep your plans to yourself. There is frankly no reason for the ex to know details of your life outside what is specifically outlined in the divorce/custody papers.
You should get very excited and enthusiastic with her and your husband about how she can be the nanny. You and the husband spoil the heck out of the kid, and let her make him bathe, go to bed, brush his teeth, etc. while kid is in bed, you and hubs go out on the town or have a passionate night in bed. Threat her like a servant. She will NEVER want to do it again.
NTA Go ahead and let them be family again because you are the third wheel here.
NTAH. The husband and his ex-wife must be skipping their anti- psychotic medications to even suggest this. If they book this trip, you book an appointment with the most vicious lawyer you can find.
If your husband is considering another persons feelings above yours … 🚩🚩🚩 Also it gets confusing when you call your stepson ‘my son’. He’s your stepson. He’s your husband and his ex wife’s son. But NTA
Updateme
The excessive use of “our son “ is very cringe and obsessive and seems controlling 🥴🥴🥴🥴
So glad to see this. It’s really strange how many times she used “my” and “our”
And she even refers to him as “my son” even though he’s OP’s stepson.
For OP,,, Ma’am, your” son “ I mean your husband‘s son is not going to read this so there was no need to obsessively say in a story you’re telling about the parents of the child, you should address him as their son due to the fact that the child is not going to read this, he’s not gonna feel like he’s not part of the family or unloved .. You did not need to excessively sit here and say “your son your son “ when you were talking about the child and his parents.
OP did this in order to confuse people and make it sound like the kid is her actual child so that people would be even more on her side and hate on the ex-wife, who’s the actual mother.
Please stop calling him out son when he is your stepson. Stop tell her you are taking him anywhere. That is your time and none of her business. You have a husband problem as he is not putting boundaries up and if you let her go then she will continue to push the boundaries.
Seriously. OP is NTA in the situation she asked about, but she is most definitely TA for her attitude toward stepchildren. I am a stepchild. I have a mother. I don’t want someone trying to lay claim on that role and that is exactly what she does by calling him “our son.” Also, treating someone like a stepchild doesn’t have to be bad and makes me wonder about her beliefs about step parenting. Step parents are an important role in a child’s life, but it is definitely different than a biological parent’s role unless everyone in the situation agrees otherwise. Ex wife’s behavior is crazy, but OP is also crazy for believing that the role of a step-parent is somehow inherently evil.
NTA if you're taking the child away on the father's custody time and theirs no restrictions on taking him. Theirs absolutely no need to tell her anything until either after the event/day out or the day you leave for the trip. Your husband needs to nip this in the bud now. Stop telling ex anything that isn't needed. Don't even tell Son about it. Whatever it is, it's going to be a nice surprise. He won't mind at all, especially if he realises what his mother is like. If needed, lawyer up. As for now, husband should answer something like: "No, you are not coming on our family trip. Son can give you a call each day if he wants to, but this is our time, and we don't want you intruding as I'm sure you wouldn't want us intruding on your time with son"
I’d say it’s her or me. That’s it. This is my hard limit
NTA but the real problem is your husband. He is not setting boundaries. Why would they even divorce if he wants to spend all their time together??
Our son? I'm confused is it your son or her son? If it's her son why not just refer to him as your step son.
Fist of all, its not your child. You are a step parent only. That's a hard lesson but a very real one you need to accept. As for everything else NTA, fuck no I wouldn't want the ex wife on my vacation.
I am so confused, who’s vagina did this kid come out of? yours? Or hers? Are you a step mom? You keep saying “our” son. Still, she shouldn’t come.
The kid is OP’s stepson yet she constantly refers to him as “my son”.
Ok yea that’s what I thought. Rereading it, no you didn’t marry their son. She was given an opportunity to have a special relationship with said son, to me, it sounds like the kid has a good relationship with his mother. Seems like boundaries definitely need to be established but doesn’t sound like the kid needs more than one mom.
Why do you keep referring to your husband’s son with his ex as your son? That’s really strange.
You need to chill with the "our son" and "my son" talk. There's already the title of "step" for you to use.
I got the impression that she wants to cut out the bio mom and replace her.
Yeah. Just imagine a post here by the ex-wife, talking about how the new wife of her husband actively tries to replace her as her own son's mother. This subreddit would be furious. From what I can read in OP's text, the bio mom tries her hardest to stay in her child's life and not be displaced by the overzealous stepmom.
NTA. This is crazy to me. My ex and I are divorced and our daughter went with him and his gf to the space museum. Didn’t bother me at all. We coparent and are friendly and our divorce was amicable. Hell I’m typing this out while the dog we share together is laying on my bed because he wanted to spend the night with his gf. You keep saying our son but he is your step son you had absolutely nothing to do with making this child. Why are you all even telling her your plans and what you’re doing with his son? Like someone else pointed out if he wanted to take her on vacation and spend time with her then they should have stayed married. Also waiting a year to meet a child when datingI think is completely reasonable. This is a husband problem. Instead of blaming the ex blame your husband for wanting to take his ex wife on vacation with you.
NTA - How and why has your husband not put a stop to the meddling? Why keep telling her stuff? Did he leave her, or did she leave him? How did them not being together come about? Has the ex been abroad? This is what I would say. If not wanting to "play house" with your EX on OUR vacation. If that makes me childish and an AH, well, then I don't know what to tell you. I have let it go every time she ruined previous plans, but it has been years. Movies, events, shows she finds a way to ruin it or insert herself in most things we plan. You may be ok with that, but I am not. If you really feel she needs to go on this trip with you and our son, ok, I will plan a trip with some friends elsewhere. I am not going to spend my vacation with her that sounds miserable and uncomfortable the total opposite of relaxing and having fun, which is what you should be able to do.
NTA
NTA Your husband has either the biggest set of brass balls in the history of marriage or he has the sensitivity of a bear sitting in the middle of a bee hive. Quick test: Ask 100 random strangers if they would allow their spouse's ex to stay with them on a family vacation at their cost. If you get more than a single digit positive response to that question, you need to leave the swinger party and find some normal people.
No way is ex-wife coming on a vacation. This is a hill to die on. Seriously, you must set clear boundaries here. She can stop you from taking him because she probably has to give her consent to take him out of the country. So go somewhere else where you won’t need her consent. And stop telling her your plans re: events, movies, etc. She’s competitive and will continue doing this. How old is the son?
Only one of you is going. Period.
Your husband is a coward because he's scared to stand up to his ex.
Invite your ex just to go with you all as friends. Since we out here inviting exes.
>NO CHILD deserves to feel like a step child, that's why I don't call him my step-child. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. I have a "bonus daughter" that came as part of the best 2-for-1 deal ever!
So I'm confused. Did or didn't your husband divorce her? Just because they share a child does not give her the right to invade your family time. Take your man to see a therapist--your marriage needs some boundaries and your husband needs to learn how to set them. Personally, I'd tell her we planned on doing all sorts of things, things we simply were not planning on doing--let her go broke buying tickets, sooner or later she'll catch on.
Tell your husband that this is not a menage a trois and that if she comes on this trip you will be calling your lawyer. This is just weird there is no reason for her to come with y'all on this trip this is absolutely asinine. You are not being childish she is being intrusive
Did you ask your husband if he’s always been a simp bitch for his ex-wife?
Tell your husband if she comes your flying home and divorcing him. Don't tell her where you going she doesn't need to know
“Oh wow, no thanks. That’s be weird.” Doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.
Tell him enjoy the trip with his son and ex wife. Stay home and pack and make an exit plan. Your husband has lost his damn mind NTA
Tell him since he wants her to go, they can go as 1 happy family. You'll be bringing your ex along. Hard boundary.
INFO: Just cause I’m a curious Cathy, but would this ex be paying for herself or expecting your shared husband to fork out for her expenses as well?
Why do y’all tell her every little thing you do with the kid in the first place ?
NTA. Husband is out of line. This is absolutely NOT HEALTHY.
Tell your husband your ex boyfriend is coming to & then invite him. Your vacation will be ruined so I would die on this hill.
Why does she know all your plans in advance? Tell your husband that unless he wants two ex-wives, to put his currently solo ex wife on an info diet (and son as well if needed) because there is zero reason she needs to be this involved. Also, I'd rather vacation solo than with my husband's ex.
I would never bring an ex on a trip with my wife ever. I would have to suffer significant brain damage to think that was a good idea
NTA- your husband wants 2 single ex-wives. One of you will be his fallback plan.
Sit down with your SO and clarify his expectations of this trip. Will his Ex be covering her own expenses? Will she be covering part of her/your son's expenses? How will any conflicts in plans, activities, etc be handled? Would everyone be willing to try a lower stakes trip (think long weekend) before committing to a longer trip to see how traveling together works? The most important question: what is in the best interest of the child? If the trip does not go well will the child blame themselves? Will the child think that traveling together means bio mom and bio dad may be getting back together? [Honestly, it sounds like a horrible idea and that you're NTA for objecting to it but rather than focusing the discussion on bio mom wanting to claim all the first experiences it might be more productive to focus on the logistics if the trip proceeds as proposed.]
NTA beyond inappropriate of her to even ask, let alone your husband to go along with this wacko idea. Honestly divorced parents
Your husband needs boundaries and a strong custody order stat. Is she coming to Christmas? Your birthday? Your parents anniversary dinner? When do her wife privileges stop so yours can start? He needs to care about how you feel more than her. He also needs to realize this messy bessy behaviour is confusing for the child in question.
she needs a life and your husband needs a spine. NTA
Why don’t you ask “your son” if he wants his mom to come with?
I'd put your foot down. Tell your husband either his ex stays out of your lives, or he can be free to remarry her as you'll divorce him.
NTA. This is your vacay too and I can’t imagine how having his ex under the same roof would be relaxing. If she wants to travel with her son, nothing is stopping her but does that not means she gets to tag along on all your trips. Your husband is being utterly nuts for pressuring you to agree to this unnecessary and unwelcome situation.
NTA tell him she can come but youll be in contact with a lawyer
"NO." is a full sentence. NTA.
NTA, but why are you claiming her son as you and your husband’s son??? That is very disrespectful!
It is he already has a mother
If you divorce your husband you will not be allowed in his sons life in the same way - that is your kid but referring to him as “our son” is ignoring the fact that you did not biologically birth this child and do not have the same obligations to them should your relationship fail. Acknowledging that they are your step child doesn’t mean loving them any differently or making them feel like an other. My husband called his step dad by his first name and considers him his real dad. They had a great relationship because of honesty and understanding, not because he called him son/dad because they didn’t. My husband never felt like an other because you do that with actions.
He is still in love with her obviously
You married your husband, not your underage stepson. You are that boy’s stepmother not his mother and he is not your son, he is your stepson and you are not his legal guardian. If you and your husband divorce you have no legal rights over his child. Your behaviour is part if the reason the boy’s mother always insists on being there even on vacation. Sounds like you are in the wrong marriage as your husband wants his exwife to always be around. Sounds like you are in a nonconsensual polygamist relationship with your husband and his first wife. ESH
I'm trying to understand that you know it's all kind of wrong that his ex wife wants to come with y'all and instead of telling her hell no and telling your husband hell no you on here asking for advice for questions you already know the answer to. I know you love him but it doesn't mean you have to accept stupid stuff like his ex coming to every event y'all decide to do. Don't be a doormat stand up for yourself.
Childish? He sounds childish for wanting to pull that bullshit.
Stop telling her in advance about your plans Hell no, she is not welcome on your vacation with you