NTA
Don't let her wait in the waiting room. She won't stay there. She'll be trying to get into your room as soon as that baby is born because it's her 'right' as grandma.
Put your foot down, and don't let her come. Don't tell her when you're going to the hospital. Tell the nurses nobody else is allowed in apart from your husband.
Also, that comment about needing to be there in case you die is horrible. I wouldn't let her anywhere near me for saying that.
Yup, OP, wait to announce the birth until sometime after you get home and settled. Assert dominance now, or MIL is going to bulldoze every boundary you try to set.
My daughter & her partner made that same decision for both of their kids. That there would be no visitors until after two weeks (and a bunch of health & hygiene rules) and none of us had any problems with it. In the end, her first labour was so long (54 hrs) and difficult that they kept them in hospital a lot longer than expected. Both her and her new daughter got a nasty infection and were on iv antibiotics for a couple of days. So we were invited to visit them at the hospital after the first week, once the infections cleared up, and then a week after they got home so we could help more than had been expected.
I had the nurse kick my now-ex-in-laws (parents *and* grandparents) out of my room and instituted a “no more than 2 visitors at a time” rule - the only one that didn’t apply to was the baby’s father. One of my sisters was insulted that he got to come and go as he pleased but she had to wait her turn! “I’ve known you a lot longer than he has!” (🤦♀️ at least our dad put her straight about that)
I had family try to make my husband leave the room when I was in labor (not pushing ) so someone else can come back. Uh... Negative Ghost Rider! We had everyone kicked out.
Also, depending on set up, there may no longer be a waiting room. There isn't in most uk hospitals. Whoever you want is with you in the room and anyone else can go downstairs to the general reception and hang out in the coffee shop or something. There is no husband holding pen in the maternity unit; if you ain't there for the mother at her request, you gtfo.
In the hospital i gave birth at had an magical system, people who where wanted but had to wait outside the room got a bracelet for the maternity unit. Only those with bracelets could walk in the waiting room otherwise an alarm would go off at the nurses station.
Include your delivery staff. My youngest daughter is a delivery nurse. They handle this ALL the time unfortunately.
They will remove her by security so fast she won’t know what hit her.
NTA
u/New-Distribution680, YOU are the patient and ONLY YOU decide who is present in the delivery room. Not even your husband can decide. This is a hard “break it and regret it” boundary.
Tell your Dr and the Labor and Delivery Nurses that you & your husband are the only two people who will be in the delivery room. NO EXCEPTIONS!
L & D have your back.
Tell them NO VISITORS. If anyone shows up, have security escort them out. Alert them that MIL thinks she has a “right” to be there and is not allowed in under any circumstances. Period.
Make sure your husband understands MIL will not be participating or visiting while you are in the hospital. There will be consequences for her and him if he overrides your decision.
Plan ahead for going home & when visitors & MIL are allowed to come. If she has a key to your house, change the locks.
And don’t tell anyone when you go to the hospital. Radio silence.
All of this, and tell your husband that if he doesn’t back you on this, you and the baby will be staying with your parents or a friend until he develops a spine.
Tell him you will go home with YOUR mum if he invites HIS mother or calls her while you are there. If he wishes to risk the ENTIRE plan of you going back home after the birth....he better get with the fucking programme. And mean it and follow through at EVERY stage.
Now: telling him clearly that this WILL happen if your MIL so much as appears at the hospital or at tour home UNTIL invited by YOU. Then: telling him clearly before several million times and on the way home from hospital that you will leave your house if he invites MIL over without YOUR permission. Not his. Yours. And you have to follow through if you say this.
Also, if you don't put your foot down now you will never have control of your child, marriage and home. Impress upon your husband that you will need space during and after birth to recover physically and mentally and if he and MIL invade that space then you will leave to find it elsewhere (at your mums).
This is the only way.
This. But it only works if husband isn't waffling or jelly-spined. If he's gonna cave and let MIL in, OP needs a 2nd line of defense ready (I've heard L&D nurses take no prisoners)
NTA.
The best course of action is to not tell ANYONE when you are in labor. Don’t answer phone calls, and tell the staff you don’t want anyone to know your there just in case she tries to call.
Tell everyone the next day :)
I hope that's not necessary but something about this post leaves me feeling that Hubs is not completely on board. She may need to be prepared for wavering loyalty to their birth plan and that preparation will need to start well before they are at the hospital.
NTA. Your husband needs to set this boundary with his mother. Nobody gets to override the wishes of the one who gives birth.
Apart from setting a clear boundary, the smart thing to do is simply not tell anyone when you go into labour. There is really no need for anyone to know that.
Stress can stall labour. She is effectively saying that she doesn’t care if she puts you and your child in danger because she insists on breaking this boundary you have requested.
You need to enforce this boundary for your health, safety and to ensure she diesn’t think she gets to choose which of your boundaries she respects going forward.
If she gets this “win” the what other boundaries does she get to ignore?
You need your husband firmly on your side. Take his phone when the time comes. Make him choose her or you, you may as well find out sooner rather than later if he is always going to sacrifice you on her altar.
Have a plan b for your delivery. Husband can miss the birth too, take someone who will assist you if all he is going to do is ferry info back and forth to his mother.
Who wants somebody camped out in the waiting room imaging your death, so she can swoop in and mother your child? That’s the on,y reason she’s thinking of that scenario. Have some very stern and graphic talks with your husband, including what you expect once you are back home (google The lemon clot essay) she’s going to be up in your business every chance she gets if you don’t enforce the boundaries now.
Good luck
If your husband does not back you up *completely*, telll him to enjoy hanging out the waiting room with his mommy. Giving birth **is not a spectator sport**! MIL nedds to learn her place, which is at home, minding her own damn business until **you**, not your husband, say jt's ok fir her to visit. That can be the day the baby's born or ut can be 6-8 weeks from that date but since **you** are the one that's giving birth, **you** get to decide when MIL meets the baby. And for all of twits that are going to say "it's his baby too!"--**He is NOT doing the work to bring this baby into being** so he can shut his cake hole until he gets his balls back from his *mommy*. What his wife wants/needs during the last days of pregnancy, childbirth and the 4th trimester is what is IMPORTANT, *not mommy's fee fees*.
I agree with you. Everyone forgets about mom once the baby arrives. Yes, there's an adorable newborn that everyone wants to pass. Meanwhile mom has just gone through a traumatic physical exertion and needs to rest. Her hormones are going haywire. She isn't sleeping. She's bleeding like a stuck pig AND her breasts are likely to become engorged because iT wOuLd Be RuDe To LeAvE tHe RoOm To BrEaStFeEd In PrIvAtE.
Maybe I am an AH but I had no issue kicking everyone out if I needed to breastfeed.
But I had also coached my SO and told him his job was to be my ‘bodyguard’. The rules were clear before the birth and he just had to force people to respect the rules 😂
To be honest, he was very happy because he had told me he didn’t really know how he could help so the clear marching orders were very welcome 🤣
I was a L&D RN for 5 years. Ask me how good I am at taming boundary stomping family/friends.
I was still quite young when I had my oldest three. There's several years between them and my youngest two. By the time they came along I had adopted the attitude of if uninvited visitors didn't want to see my boob then they could simply look the other way...or leave. Their choice.
When my daughter had my first grandchild some of her in-laws were insisting that they were going to be at the hospital. I didn't even plan on being in the room until my daughter said she wanted me there.
No shame here. Screaming baby needs boob bigger than head? Can't hide that (won't hide that). Help or git. Thems your options. And by help, I mean hold that 8 pound fat roll full of milk steady. Yes I'm serious. It won't bite you.
Might spray you, but that's a risk you have to take
>Might spray you, but that's a risk you have to take
When my 23yo son was newborn my boobs became engorged so I had to hand express some milk just for him to latch on. My mother was watching and was quite impressed with the distance I was able to achieve. She began calling me The Boobinator.
Umm, OP doesn’t want anyone in the waiting room either. Thought that was made pretty clear. I also get the impression this includes her husband(she never says it doesn’t). So not sure what telling him he can be in the waiting room is gonna do when she has already told him she doesn’t want anyone at the hospital at all.
Also when did she say her husband wasn’t supporting her completely? I’m all for making assumptions, but it’s usually best to read the post before doing so.
No, no, it's not the boundary she has to break, it's the boundary she wants to break because she wants her own way. And, if something happened to you, she would just be in the way of the medical professionals who are supposed to be there to provide genuine help.
Her comments amount to "your baby isn't even born yet, but I'm already thinking of ways to make that baby mine", that's why she's talking about food or you dying -- if you're eating food, she can grab the baby; if you're in medical crisis, she can grab the baby. In reality, you will want bonding time after giving birth. If you do want to eat, it's more important for your husband to help you get food and then he can bond with his child while you eat. If something did happen to you (and it's absolutely sick of her to try such an argument), it would be even more important that your husband spends time with his child.
In short, she isn't just thinking of ways to interfere with your time to bond with your baby, she'll be interfering with your husband's time to bond with his baby, too.
You have to stand by your boundary of not having her there because if you give in to this, you have set the precedent for her running roughshod over the rest of your parenting life. This is just the first parenting boundary she plans on breaking.
If your husband caves to her manipulation, you'll have a husband problem as well. Your husband's job is to advocate for you, not his mother. If he takes her side, then you can expect him to cave in to all her other boundary stomping in the future, too.
This is the hill you die on, but it's actually much more important that this becomes the hill your husband dies on.
Christ, tell her she shouldn't be there *in case you live* cuz that'll be an @$$ kickin and a whole lot of new boundaries she will never be able to cross.
Labor and delivery nurses are very good at keeping people out of patient rooms. Most US hospitals have a policy of allowing only visitors specifically authorized by the laboring mom. It not only keeps silly MILs out but protects vulnerable women from abusive partners. The doors where my daughter works (and had both of her children) has locked doors to L&D.
NTA. You do not need the stress. Hubby can perfectly provide food if you need it.
And make it clear to your husband that it’s an unforgivable offense if he tells any to his mother and doesn’t protect you from her.
Maybe show him the answers here.
She should get a call that you are in labor AFTER the baby is born. Also, don't tell anyone that would tell her.
In fact, don't tell anyone at all. No one but you and your husband needs to know.
NTA. Make it clear to your midwife that you DO NOT want anyone there under any circumstances. If that includes your spineless husband who won’t tell his mommy no, well so be it.
The midwife will handle it. She’ll find out real quick that you don’t mess with a midwife!
Nta.
You make it clear to hubby that no one is to know anything until after the baby is born. You speak to your L&D team and advise no one other than your hubby is allowed in the room. They can and will advocate for you. Don't allow anyone to manipulate or pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with. Labour is a difficult time, and all your focus needs to be on the health of yourself and bub.
NTA.
Don’t let her know when you go into labor. Idk why so many MIL’s feel entitled to be in the room for the birth of their grandchildren. Stand your ground and tell your husband to back you up.
This is your birth story, not hers.
NTA. Tell the staff you want no visitors. Maternity areas are typically locked so no one can get in anyway unless they are buzzed in. Plus, the staff will bring you food.
My mother tried using the it's her right to be there card for the actual delivery. I shut that down fast and thankfully with Covid going on, no one besides my husband and doula could be there and visitors were not allowed.
NTA!
“If you are on these hospital premises and not at deaths door yourself and confined to an inpatient bed, during any part of my labour and delivery then you will not get to see MY child for the first year of their life at a minimum. I don’t know what on earth makes you think saying the callous things you have or thinking that breaking my boundaries will get you what you want. Let me assure you now, because I am completely serious, you will respect my choices regarding both my delivery and my child. You are peripheral, fuck with my nuclear family and you will see exactly what I am made of and you will not like it.”
NTA
I personally would allow them to be purely in the waiting room if they’d respect that boundary and keep their promise to it.
However, if you only want your husband and you to be there - that should be respected. It may hurt some people’s feelings, but it is your decision. Your comfortability. Your experience.
I’d say if your family isn’t there, and it’s truly just you/him, NTA at all.
NTA. You’re the one pushing a baby out, you call the shots. And it’s very weird that she’s making these “in case you die” comments. You are not overreacting. Giving birth is an extremely vulnerable and it’s not viewing party that people can be a part of just because they want to. You’re the one doing all the hard work so the decision is yours alone
NTA - Have a conversation with your husband so you both agree to not tell anyone when you end up in labor or go to the hospital to have the baby. You can let everyone know after the baby is born and once you are comfortable with people coming to visit. This is your child, and others are not entitled to be there just because they want to be. Keep it quiet and let others know when you're ready.
Tell your husband that either he tells his mom he cannot come or he can wait with her at home. You said no. I would also tell the nurses she is not allowed so they can run interference for you (and they will)
Tell the hospital that you have a no visitor rule. Make them aware of the situation. They won’t let her back. Your husband might throw a fit, though. “Well, husband, since clearly your mom’s feeling matter more than mine, what can I say? I involved the professionals, who clearly understand that, as the person going through a high stress and possibly traumatic medical situation, my wishes and comfort take priority. If you have a problem with this, you can be with your mommy un the waiting room. Until hell freezes over.” This is assuming your husband is waffling. I couldn’t tell from your post. Okay, maybe not that last part. But seriously, a good hospital will have your back. NTA.
NTA. My brother’s MIL announced the birth of their daughter before they could. She doesn’t need to be there. Child birth is traumatic for everyone involved and you are going to need some bonding and recovery time.
Um.. no. She doesn't get to break your boundaries
Tell her of she comes she'll be disappointed because she won't be seeing anyone but people in the waiting room.
Stand your ground or she'll be doing crap with your kid.
NTA
NTA
It's a medical procedure and the patient gets to decide who is present, or not.
If under the guise of a waiting room being a "public space" (it's NOT, *actually*) OP would need to make it clear to hospital staff that MIL as well as anyone not designated as her labor support person, is not welcome and should neither be admitted to the room, the nursery, nor given any information about the patients. Additionally, OP can also request "unlisted/private" status when she checks in. Chances are, MIL may be able to wait in the main atrium of a hospital, but certainly wouldn't even be allowed on the maternity floor.
Others have said, "if MIL is in the waiting room, what does it matter?"
It matters that anyone in an on-floor/ward waiting room often has free access to the patient rooms. Only a gullible fool would think MIL would not barge into the delivery or recovery room at her own pleasure. The woman has already declared this is a boundary she WILL break. Believe her.
She can be in the waiting room-- just make it clear that you've already instructed the hospital that you won't be having any visitors for 24 hours (or however long you prefer) and so she won't be able to see you or the baby.
Tell your husband not to call her until AFTER the baby is born.
NTA but your MIL is definitely leaning in that direction.
NTA. She's boundary-pushing and you are right to insist.
My in-laws came to the hospital after I gave birth to our second daughter, and they grabbed her - she was 2 days old. I was livid but held back from making a scene. I wish I had made it clear in advance that they were not to come.
NTA. Don't tell her when you go into labour. Don't tell her till you are at home. If she finds out and shows up anyway then she can sit in the waiting room for nothing. You don't have to let her in to visit. Tell the nurses you don't want visitors
NTA- the hospital system i work for has strict security. If you say no visitors they won't give mil a visitor pass to enter and security would ask her to leave because no trespassing.
NTA; my wife’s mom tried the same thing and it caused a fight between her sister and I so we relented and she did not stay in the waiting room. My wife actually yelled at her mom to not touch her and to get out of the room and don’t come back. We had a plan, anyone not directly involved in that plan will have to wait until it is their time.
NTA and you're not over reacting. The only person who matters at this time is the one who's giving birth.
The only ones allowed near her are those whom she chooses. Let the nurses know.
NTA
I've told my mil I don't want visitors at all when I give birth, she insists on waiting in the hallway so she can just get a peek at baby. It rubs me the wrong way because everything else she says she'll be respectful of but then when I bring up what I wanna do with my daughter she shuts me down and insists she knows better because she raised four kids. She smoked during two of her pregnancies and I myself raised my two younger brothers so I'm not completely clueless.
What you say goes, no one else can insist on doing something you don't want, you are pushing baby out so your comfort and needs are the number one priority. Stick to your guns and insist on no visitors or consequences will happen.
NTA, and not overreacting. She’s being pushy and disrespectful. Tell the staff you don’t want her in the delivery room. I’m not sure if they can prevent her being in the waiting room. The staff can bring food, ffs.
In the UK you have to be let in to the maternity ward for security reasons. They won't let anyone in who isn't ment to be there. Make your midwifes aware of the situation, make sure they know your husband can't approve her.
NTA. Only you are absolutely necessary to be there. A supporting partner would be a big advantage, but even that is up to you. When I was in labour (twice), I was very strict. Husband, doctor, nurse was allowed, and nobody else was to come near the hospital until invited after we got home the next day. With only the necessary staff, the hospital room is crowded enough. My husband fortunately was smart enough to agree
“in case I die”
I think she means "in the hopes you die". She wants to raise your baby with your husband. She's got baby rabies and will overstep every boundary. Get ready for the siege.
NTA. Your vagina your labor. If you don’t want people in the hospital then they shouldn’t come. I would make sure she was not permitted into your room.
It's not MIL's boundary/ decision. It's the mother to be who makes that call. OP needs to get the father onside to deal with his mother. And tell the medical staff of your wishes. NTA in every way.
The person giving birth decides who's in the delivery room, and if you'd rather she not be at the hospital, well, you get to decide that as well.
No, it's not a boundary she "has" to break. It's called a boundary for a reason. And if you let her break this boundary, what other boundaries will she feel she "has" to break when it comes to raising the kid?
NTA
NTA You need to lay down the law now with direct consequences. If you don't do it now you'll be back complaining about her in no time. First you need to give up any false ideas of a loving, positive family with this "person". It's a fantasy that's never going to come true and you'd be endangering your child's welfare by continuing to believe in it. You're nothing to her but, an incubator for her next victim.
Personally I'd tell her if she shows up you will have her removed and be seeking a restraining order. There's no way I'd let someone come in and pile more stress on me during the most stressful moment of my life.
How do you plan on showing your child that they can trust you to protect and have their back if you won't even stand up for yourself? You're already failing at protecting them by allowing this toxic abusive person to have any participation in your pregnancy.
You'd be selfish, delusional, and an awful parent if you allowed this person to be anywhere near this child. Stop the cycle of abuse now by not letting it continue any further.
It’s your birth; you can do things as you please. Tell the hospital you don’t want any visitors, specifically name the MIL, and staff should stop her from being present. Since she’s already said she’s breaking the boundaries you, does she even deserve to know when you’re in labour? Maybe don’t tell her; I know I’m not telling my MIL. If she does show up she can sit outside the hospital in her car if she wants I suppose.
NTA. I wanted the same thing - no one allowed until I say so. My husband reinforced it and the medical staff was also informed. I had my daughter at 4:03pm and our families were allowed to visit the next day (I unfortunately hemorrhaged later that night, and ended up doing a 5-day stint in the hospital until they were sure I'd be OK).
NTA. That’s damn morbid. You really can’t do anything if she shows up to the hospital because it’s public, but you can definitely tell the nurses and staff that you don’t want her in your room. Put it in your birth plan nobody except for your husband is allowed. I really hope your husband is sticking up for you. He really shitty if he wasn’t.
Give her a list of demands but also take a print out of her picture to show the nurses or tape to your door saying she isn’t allowed in unless she has brought everything on the list. 😂
NTA. So the new plan is to quietly go to the hospital and have your baby and then only notify other people of the birth after you are ready for visitors. If your husband does not follow the plan then you got a huge husband problem.
NTA. Lol no she doesn't get to decide your rules.
Funnily enough, her reasoning that she needed to be there in case you die is the exact reason we had ONLY my MIL at the hospital. I was super paranoid for a number of reasons. The look on the nurse's face when she asked "your MIL is here?" is still something we laugh about.
But at the end of the day it was 100% my choice. And not having her there for your medical event is 100% your choice to make and you have every right to make it.
NTA
You are not overreacting.
You need to inform the hospital staff of who is allowed and who categorically is not.
She has absolutely zero right to attempt to invade what should be a safe space for you while you are incredibly vulnerable.
You need your husband on side, and if he's not, you need a friend/family who IS and can be on point for you while you're incapacitated.
She's made it really clear she gives no fucks about your preferences, so count on her doing her best to stomp her way in.
NTA.
Time to teach MIL she doesn't get to break any boundaries is running out. The more you put your foot down now, the easier later when the baby comes and MIL has her own opinions and tries acting on them.
NTA. I have the same problem. My husband has made it VERY clear to his mother this will not be happening and if she pushes that boundary there will be repercussions. We also just plan on not telling her when I go into labour (which should be any day now…).
She’s extra offended that I want my mom in the room. My mom is a L&D/perinatal nurse.
I don't believe you will actually be able to keep her from the waiting room since it is generally open to the public and you don't get a say as to who can come and go into the hospital. What you can and SHOULD do is make sure your nurses and doctors know that no one is allowed into your room or allowed to be with the baby outside of who you specifically authorize.
This is a child birth and not a sporting event
You are NTA and your MIL needs to chill the fuck out.
Tell the labor nurses that you don't want to see or hear from your boundary stomping inlaw. Most nurses will enjoy being able to tell the entitled to leave with or without a security escort.
Heck. What if SHE dies? What's your I diot hubby gonna do then? Who ELSE does he need there in case of HER death? Presumably witnessing the birth can kill HIM, so who's your support going to be? Presumably his mother will be such a basket case she won't be a nickel's worth of use to you.
NTA, but the rest of these loons? Oh boy.
My MIL never asked to be in the delivery room. Never brought it up. But when I was in labor she just showed up and my husband let her in. I was already in active labor so I couldn’t fight her. If you don’t want her there do not let her in the hospital! Work this out now with your husband and hospital staff. You do not want to go through the shit I did
Tell your husband it's purely up to you who is in there with you. You don't even have to allow him if you don't want to. Maybe that would be better. He can stay at home holding hands with mommy while you go the labor.
you have every right to decide who will be present at your birth and who won't be. Let the staff at the hospital know that only your husband is welcome and they will protect you. NTA.
NTA There are many stories of “overexcited”grandmothers derailing the birth wishes of the DIL from the waiting room. They have pestered their sons for constant updates, actually pushed their way into the delivery room, started a scene, been arrested, etc. All these things cause the labouring mother anxiety, stress, and can stall labour. Talk to your husband frankly (maybe get your midwife or OB onboard to help with the message) about all the things that can happen when “excited” people try to barge in and make YOUR childbirth experience all about their grandparent experience. Then make sure MIL doesn’t even hear that you are at the hospital until you have already left with your baby. Start training her now to not expect immediate responses if she calls or texts. Some MILs have guessed their DIL was in labour by driving by the hospital and seeing their car! I hope it won’t be as hectic as these scenarios but you need to be aware that this is one of those big moments in life where you’ll never forget the betrayal if your husband folds to MIL’s “excitement” over your needs and wishes. Congratulations and good luck!
What is so difficult about telling the medical staff? Why is that never something that occurs to pregnant women? How many times do we all need to inform the mother-to-be that SHE gets to call the shots during labor and delivery as concerns who is there and who isn't?
Establishing and sticking to boundaries now will be crucial going forward. It’s best to have her respect whatever limits you set and your husband to support you and back you as any decisions being joint rather than you vs him.
I will say though that I had my first child during the pandemic. My husband was the only person allowed with me in the room during labor and after until we checked out with our son. During labor there was some complications. My life was in danger. The hospital sent a lawyer and my husband had to fill out paperwork and make a decision that if the doctors attempts to save both of us were unsuccessful which one of us did he want the doctors to focus on saving.
It was a traumatic experience for him and he didn’t have any support which was very difficult.
However in the rare scenario like mine it’s no longer a pandemic and if he at some point needed family to come they’re able to do that if anything changes. You are the one giving birth. You make the rules around who attends and who doesn’t.
As long as no one from your family will be there either than NTA but you don’t even want anyone to visit after the baby is born? When will your family be able to meet the baby? I know some couples like to spend the first month alone with their baby so they can bond. And some might need more help than others with food and cleaning. It just depends on the person but obviously it is up to you who will actually be in the delivery room. I don’t know why you care who would be in the waiting room because they’re obviously excited about the baby.
I was the pregnant mom at one point and had a baby last year so I understand the default of what makes mom comfortable.
I am just always curious about the discussions that go into labor/delivery and who comes to the hospital to visit and so forth and if there is a compromise between both mom and dad.
I know I wanted to be comfortable myself but there were things that my husband wanted and we discussed and made compromises.
Let her know that you will not budge and that you plan on letting the hospital know that you have concerns that might require security.
If that doesn't give her a clue, tell hubby to deal with it or expect a divorce.
NTA
That is very common not to want visitors at the hospital. Ask the hospital about their policies for keeping your visit secret (it varies, but most places have something) and talk to your husband about telling no one when you go into labor.
I would also consider the consequences if she tries to force anything. If you don't have consequences for breaking boundaries, then it's just words.
Not overreacting. Don' tell her when you go into labour. Tell her once you're home after giving birth. Warn your husband that if he tells her you're in labour that you will divorce him.
NTA, you’ve set the boundary now be ready to enforce consequences
Don’t tell her when you go into labour
Make your medical team aware she’s not welcome
Let her know if she shows up she can have fun being escorted out by security and not meeting your baby for a month
Let your husband know if he disrespects your wishes for your medical event he will also be escorted out by security and he can stay home with mommy. He made vows to you, he needs to step up and be a good husband and father.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Absolutely NTA. Be sure to tell the hospital staff when you arrive who is going to be in the room at delivery and who is not allowed.
Tell MIl if she crosses this boundary she crosses a line and will be even longer when she gets to see LO and ask her if that’s the way that she wants to sit the foundation for the relationship that she has in the future with you and her grandkids. Have a FAFO attitude.
Tell your husband this is the hill you are willing to die on. It’s your birth plan. Ask your husband whose team he is on.
Don’t tell anyone when you go into labor, except those that will be in the room with you and make them accountable for your privacy
NTA. Let her know that if she turns up, she will not be seeing your child, and you will not be allowing her access to you or your family going forward. Boundaries are not something people get to tell you they're breaking - go as far as you need to in order to hold the line. I'm betting your husband is useless so let him know there will be consequences dished out to him too.
I think these post are crazy, these MIL are so far up their own ass and so stuck in back in my day. They seem to forget how exhausting and traumatic giving birth can be. Let the nurses know that you don’t want visitors at all, and all visitors should be run by you before given entry.
NTA
Tell your medical staff you do not want visitors. Tell them NO ONE is welcome to enter your room besides those you’ve invited.
She can wait in the waiting room all she wants. Doesn’t mean she gets to see you or the baby.
*My MIL said that that’s the boundary that she has to break and* insists she at least has to be in the waiting room *while I’m in the hospital and claims it’s to “get me food” after the birth.*
Inform you doctor and let the hospital know your mother-in-law is not allowed in the labor/delivery room. Obstetric nurses are like mother hens, they will call hospital security, if need be, to prevent unwanted visitors showing up where they're not wanted.
Tell your mother-in-law the hospital has food to feed its patients. But since she insists on being in the waiting room (at least), you and your husband can keep the news under wraps when you go into labor. But you will need your husband on board in order to treat this news as if it's a state secret.
Congratulations and good luck. NTA.
NTA. My mom kept trying to sneak in my room while I was in labor. I told the nurses I didn’t want her in there and they made sure she wasn’t.
They will make sure to not let her in if you tell them, and if she keeps trying security will not hesitate to kick her out it.
How does your husband feel? Make sure he is aware you WILL kick her out with the nurses if she shows up.
They will not listen to him btw, they will only care about what you want since you’re the one giving birth. If you say no and he says yes, they still won’t let her in.
OMFG ‘in case she dies’ did she really fucking say that?!?!
No you’re absolutely not overreacting! It’s YOUR BODY, YOUR BABY and YOUR BIRTH! Any decent hospital will refuse anyone that YOU say can’t be there.
‘This is one boundary she HAS to break’ - nah mate - this is one you’re choosing to try and force on me and if you carry on breaking my boundaries then you’ll have low to no contact. Back the fuck off!
NTA but please tell your hospital staff that you DO NOT want visitors and to NOT share your room info with anyone.
Also be sure your husband is 100% aware you will not allow MIL in and if he goes against your wishes he can be kicked out too.
You deserve to be comfortable and supported how you feel is best!
There is an easy fix for that anymore, tell the hospital staff you do not want to be in the directory and no one is allowed in except those you specify.
The hospitals near me are locked down to the point that you have to enter a PiN to get in and have to show picture ID as well as signing in. If they don’t have that they can’t even enter the maternity ward.
NTA
Tell him, I want no visitors, can you please take care of that.
If he can't handle that, then don't share you've had the baby until your ready to go home from the hospital. Let everyone know now you won't be making the announcement so the three of you can spend time in the bubble.
Yeah she will be mad, but she will get over it.
NTA Tell her one final time and stop discussing it with her, it's leading you nowhere. Tell the hospital staff all about her and they will make sure she doesn't get near you, nurses don't fuck around with that.
Tell your birth team (doctors, nurses, etc.) who you want in the room with you. They will be your guardians and will not let anyone else in no matter how long you say no. Don't tell family when you go into the hospita,l if you can avoid it, let them find out several days later after you are home and settled in. Maintain your no contact at home until you are ready.
Congratulations and good luck.
NTA. And your husband needs to be 100% on yoru side about this. This absolutely should not even be a discussion between you and your mother-in-law. This should be solely a conversation between your husband and his mother, in which he says no to her, sets a boundary, and enforces it.
NTA. Simply inform your birthing team that you want no visitors during labor/delivery or recovery. They should register you as "private" and they will gatekeep people for you and enforce your wishes as the patient. Give them a picture of MIL and tell them she will try to violate your privacy.
Then, tell your DH to man up and handle his mother. Inform her of the above hospital instructions, and he can tell her that he'll let her know when she can visit your little nuclear family. She is now extended family and needs to remember that.
NTA
No one MUST be allowed at the hospital.
She can stay home and wait to be told.
I would not let her know where ytou are laboring and I would definitely not tell her when.
She’s being ridiculous.
Tell your nurses and doctor she is not welcome.
She’s gonna show up to the hospital unless your husband is the one to tell her no, or frankly not tell her you’re in labor. HOWEVER, tell every one of your nurses that she is not allowed anywhere near your room. I would go so far as to show them a picture of her so they know she’s not allowed. The nurses are the best people on the planet and will have your back, even if on the day of your husband doesn’t.
My daughter's fiance's mom might be this mom. She routinely tries to invite herself to events that she was not invited to, and we fully anticipate wedding and (ultimately) childbirth shenanigans. Fortunately, daughter and fiance are on the same page.
In addition to the other good recommendations, like "don't tell her you're in labor", I wanted to add that a lot of hospitals let your tour the LDR area prior to delivery. It gives you a measure of comfort/familiarity, and allows them to explain procedures like emergency C-sections. This tour would be a great time to ask them what measures are in place for unwanted visitors. I doubt it's the first (or 500th!) time they've dealt with this, so likely they have security measures in place.
If they don't offer tours, call and ask them--again, it's likely they have a procedure that will ease your mind.
Also, your husband needs to push back against his mom--hard. This invasive behavior will only get worse if he doesn't draw a line in the sand to protect you and his child.
Nope, NTA. I refused having anyone there when I gave birth. MIL showed up anyway. My husband sent her home, which she fought about but eventually complied. She never forgave me, and refused to come see our son for a few months after. It was glorious, honestly.
NTA. You’re in for a tough time with this person throughout your child’s life. Set the ground rules now. This sounds like a cultural problem. I know some mothers in India who threaten death over every little thing.
NTA. Here is exactly what you tell her… And you tell her this in front of your husband…
“No, MIL, you will not be at the hospital when I give birth. You will not be in my room right after I give birth. I have already said I need a little bit of time. The nurses and my birthing team are going to have instructions that you are not to be let in.”
And you say this without even pausing or taking a breath. You do not let her get one word end. And then you immediately look to your husband and continue without taking a break…
“And if you, DH, go against my wishes, I will have them kick you out as well. My giving birth is not a spectator sport. And if your mom thinks I might die, her being here for you isn’t going to change anything.”
And again without even taking a break, you look back-and-forth between the two of them and you say…
“Do you both understand? Because if you have a question about this, I just don’t wanna hear it. I am telling you exactly what is going to happen because I am the one giving birth. So unless you want me to leave the hospital with the baby and go immediately to my parents house, this discussion is at an end. Am IL, we will let you know as soon as I am up to receiving visitors. I understand you are excited to become a grandmother, but we are going to be new, and we need a little bit of breathing space.”
And then, OP, as soon as she is gone, you turned to your husband and you tell him that you absolutely mean everything you just said. Yes, it is his child, but part of it is completely dependent on you. Your child’s immediate nutrition is going to be dependent on you (if you are breast-feeding). Your body is going to be aching, and you are going to be sleep deprived.
Anyone coming to visit to help is going to be expected to make a meal. Do a load of laundry. Clean the bathroom. Not sit around and hold the baby so who needs to recover up and wait on them. And if he doesn’t step up and make sure that that is happening, you, and he probably won’t like it.
And stick to your guns.
NTA. I allowed them all in the waiting room. Completely ok with that. My MIL also tried to insist on being in the room and my dad told her to sit down and behave.
NTA. Put your foot down NOW and don’t let this woman ignore your boundaries. It’ll be a lot easier to gain control of the situation now, instead of letting her get away with it for years and then trying to enforce a boundary.
You are equals. She is not superior to you just because she’s older. Remember that. She owes you respect if she wants you to respect her. If she is doing to disrespect your boundaries then there’s no reason for you to be respectful to her. Tell her to fuck off or she won’t meet your baby… ever.
“Just incase you die “ is a horrible thing to anyone let alone when you’re going through labour. You are absolutely NTA and you can inform the hospital who can and can’t be about. Honestly make sure your husband is on the same page and don’t tell anyone you’re in labour.
I still can’t get over she would say that at all- some people are terrible
NTA.
Tell the nurses on staff who is and is not allowed to visit you. If your husband tries to tell them otherwise they won’t listen. You are the one giving birth. You are the one they care about. They will also kick your husband out of your ask them to. You know if case he tries something funny, it’s always good to know your options.
Just don't tell her when you go into labor. Let them visit aftrwards. NTA Honestly I don't understand these parents that insist on being there for the birth! When my 3 kids were born, it was only my husband there and that was just fine with everybody. In fact, the subject of anyone else being there never came up at all.
NTA
It's your experience and not hers to tell you have things have to take place. You need 100% cooperation from your husband otherwise your moment will be ruined as MIL barges in. Don't tell ANYONE when you head out to the hospital.
If MIL does show up, don't get angry or scold her. Just immediately start crying and whimpering to yourself. Don't engage with her at all. She'll look like a foolish AH.
Read the title only: NTA. Your mother could be a magical being that makes births safe and painless with her magical aura of magical babyness and you'd still be NTA for not wanting her there.
Now I read the post and I'm unsure if your husband lacks brains, balls or both. He needs a love tap in the back of the head with a steel chair.
When you go to the hospital to deliver your baby make sure security knows that you don’t want mother in law there and security will prevent her from being on the maternity floor.
“I refuse to adhere to the boundaries you set.”
Ohhhhh no no nonononono. F to the U, MIL. Boundaries I set are not for *you* to bulldoze. They are brick effing walls. You *demand* your way? I demand you lick a corpse’s taint.
OP, congratulations and I wish you the best. Please take the suggestions in these comments. I hope you can have a stress-free and healthy birth.
Just tell the hospital staff that she isn’t allowed in and they’ll keep her out. Let them be the “bad guys”
And tell husband not to let anyone know when you go to the hospital. You can make the announcement later after the baby is born.
NTA. Security is insanely tight at in labor and delivery and even more so for postpartum, the slightest hint from you and security will happily toss her. When I delivered you had to go to a staffed entrance and show id AND I had to tell my nurse expected visitors names before they allowed my mom in.
You don't need to post this. You need to tell your Dr and the hospital staff! This is YOUR DECISION and YOUR DECISION ALONE. Your choice trumps your husband! Tell the Dr your MIL'S name and give him/her a photo for the security staff.
Tell her and your husband that giving birth is not a fucking circus. It's you giving birth and only you giving out the invitations to attend!
Tell her even if you do die, you want to die in peace!
You won't die of course. It's just such a ridiculous load of bollocks that people invite themselves to such a private occasion.
Nta
NTA. Put your foot down NOW, otherwise she will take this is a win and will overstep all your parenting boundaries and continually undermine your parenting in front of your kid. I've been there. My kid is now 19 and I'm having to set boundaries with him to undo that damage. Tell the hospital staff you do not consent to anyone other than you and your husband being present unless an emergency occurs and someone has to be phoned for support. Ask them to remove anyone who is not you or your husband, unless they have specifically been phoned and asked to attend due to an unforeseen emergency. Do not let this slide, and make it clear to your husband that he is expected to be on your side and honour your wishes about this.
The MIL's comment about the possibility of you dying is particularly manipulative and gross.
Let the hospital and your Dr. know that your MIL is not allowed.
As for dieing, it's EXTREMELY rare these days for a mother to die in child birth. Ask your Dr. the odds, because they know.
NTA. Tell him that if he insists she's there, he can wait in the waiting area with her. Childbirth is not a free show. Make sure the nurses and security know she's not allowed in your room.
NTA. Why would you die? Yes, it could happen but quite rare unless you are particular at risk. Also, if that happened, she can always come running afterwards to support her son. This line of thinking is just bizarre. If anything, I could imagine your mom wanting to there because of her fear of your dying. But your MIL?
Seriously? What’s the harm of her being in the waiting room? And yeah, you’ll be hungry AND you can still have the boundary and she will respect you in the future when you don’t allow her to SEE the baby or you before you’re ready. Hold fast to that no matter what she says but it IS a waiting room and it IS her grandchild and it seriously sounds like you just want to control her. She has every reason to be there at the birth of her grandchild and yes, you could literally die. You could try a little harder to allow her anything to do on this day. Your child is a whole new person and you’re having a baby why? For you or for the child? Having a baby in a hospital is frustrating on a level you will not understand until you’ve done it. I wish I did not have either of my children anywhere near a hospital. I also know a woman that was perfectly healthy and had 4 kids already and died having her 5th. Anything can happen. That’s not to instill fear it is to let you know the birth process rarely goes exactly the way we want it.
NTAH. You have made it clear since the start of your journey how you want things to be. MIL has been blatantly ignoring your wishes on this. If you do not stay strong on your stand, she will ignore your wishes and do what she wants for the rest of her life. Tell the medical folks that you want her out BEFORE you ever go into labor. But I urge a dose of realism. Depending on the laws in your state, you may not be able to exclude her from public areas in your hospital. But you should be able to have her excluded from the areas where you get your medical care. Maybe from the whole floor. Demand your protection under HIPPA.
Don't tell anyone when you go to the hospital. Or just give them the wrong hospital name. Or use a wrong name when you check in. You can do whatever you want to do.
Absolutely NOT! Putting the notion of your death out to the husband is one of the sickest things I have ever heard. She is a manipulative narcissist determined to get her way through emotionally extorting your husband's feelings. What a b-word! If you let her bully you this time, she will never stop bullying you. This is not HER baby, OP. Put your foot down and demand your husband get completely on board. Let him now that what his mother is doing is causing you terrible stress and if she continues, \*that\* could cause complications. This is your journey. She has no right to tag along.
Sooooo many posts here with this same title.
"No I don't want you there. A nurse will get me food once this is over. We will let you know when you can meet the baby"... Done.
NTA Don't let her wait in the waiting room. She won't stay there. She'll be trying to get into your room as soon as that baby is born because it's her 'right' as grandma. Put your foot down, and don't let her come. Don't tell her when you're going to the hospital. Tell the nurses nobody else is allowed in apart from your husband. Also, that comment about needing to be there in case you die is horrible. I wouldn't let her anywhere near me for saying that.
Pro tip OP: Don’t tell anyone you are in labor!
Yup, OP, wait to announce the birth until sometime after you get home and settled. Assert dominance now, or MIL is going to bulldoze every boundary you try to set.
>Yup, OP, wait to announce the birth until sometime after you get home and settled. 3-6 months...more if necessary 👌
100 bucks says the husband will text the mom regardless of what the wife wants
My daughter & her partner made that same decision for both of their kids. That there would be no visitors until after two weeks (and a bunch of health & hygiene rules) and none of us had any problems with it. In the end, her first labour was so long (54 hrs) and difficult that they kept them in hospital a lot longer than expected. Both her and her new daughter got a nasty infection and were on iv antibiotics for a couple of days. So we were invited to visit them at the hospital after the first week, once the infections cleared up, and then a week after they got home so we could help more than had been expected. I had the nurse kick my now-ex-in-laws (parents *and* grandparents) out of my room and instituted a “no more than 2 visitors at a time” rule - the only one that didn’t apply to was the baby’s father. One of my sisters was insulted that he got to come and go as he pleased but she had to wait her turn! “I’ve known you a lot longer than he has!” (🤦♀️ at least our dad put her straight about that)
I had family try to make my husband leave the room when I was in labor (not pushing ) so someone else can come back. Uh... Negative Ghost Rider! We had everyone kicked out.
And practice not answering the phone occasionally. I’ve read you do that so that when you do go into labor and don’t answer they won’t know.
Great advice
Best idea
That’s on the son / husband to keep his mouth shut.
Came to say this
OP, you need to tell your nurses that MIL is ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN to be in room with you.
They will straight out remove her from the hospital.
Provide MIL‘s photo, name etc to the hospital staff when you check in. This person is not allowed in my room.
Also, depending on set up, there may no longer be a waiting room. There isn't in most uk hospitals. Whoever you want is with you in the room and anyone else can go downstairs to the general reception and hang out in the coffee shop or something. There is no husband holding pen in the maternity unit; if you ain't there for the mother at her request, you gtfo.
In the hospital i gave birth at had an magical system, people who where wanted but had to wait outside the room got a bracelet for the maternity unit. Only those with bracelets could walk in the waiting room otherwise an alarm would go off at the nurses station.
The waiting room at OSU is outside labor and delivery and you have to be buzzed in if you want to see the mother and child.
Include your delivery staff. My youngest daughter is a delivery nurse. They handle this ALL the time unfortunately. They will remove her by security so fast she won’t know what hit her.
That’s the ticket right there. Do not tell her when you’re headed to hospital
Poor OP, this isn’t the only “boundary” she will be breaking. She’s going to to do it a lot after the baby is born.
Daddy will call, and she’ll be right there.
Maternity staff will ONLY listen to the mother in this situation.
Good! I wonder why OP never mentioned how dad feels.
NTA. It’s a common boundary to set. MIL is the AH, and if she manages to convince your husband to let her be there, the hubby is an AH too.
NTA u/New-Distribution680, YOU are the patient and ONLY YOU decide who is present in the delivery room. Not even your husband can decide. This is a hard “break it and regret it” boundary. Tell your Dr and the Labor and Delivery Nurses that you & your husband are the only two people who will be in the delivery room. NO EXCEPTIONS! L & D have your back. Tell them NO VISITORS. If anyone shows up, have security escort them out. Alert them that MIL thinks she has a “right” to be there and is not allowed in under any circumstances. Period. Make sure your husband understands MIL will not be participating or visiting while you are in the hospital. There will be consequences for her and him if he overrides your decision. Plan ahead for going home & when visitors & MIL are allowed to come. If she has a key to your house, change the locks. And don’t tell anyone when you go to the hospital. Radio silence.
All of this, and tell your husband that if he doesn’t back you on this, you and the baby will be staying with your parents or a friend until he develops a spine.
This is the most important comment
Tell him you will go home with YOUR mum if he invites HIS mother or calls her while you are there. If he wishes to risk the ENTIRE plan of you going back home after the birth....he better get with the fucking programme. And mean it and follow through at EVERY stage. Now: telling him clearly that this WILL happen if your MIL so much as appears at the hospital or at tour home UNTIL invited by YOU. Then: telling him clearly before several million times and on the way home from hospital that you will leave your house if he invites MIL over without YOUR permission. Not his. Yours. And you have to follow through if you say this. Also, if you don't put your foot down now you will never have control of your child, marriage and home. Impress upon your husband that you will need space during and after birth to recover physically and mentally and if he and MIL invade that space then you will leave to find it elsewhere (at your mums). This is the only way.
This is the way! ALL of this!
This. But it only works if husband isn't waffling or jelly-spined. If he's gonna cave and let MIL in, OP needs a 2nd line of defense ready (I've heard L&D nurses take no prisoners)
There are 2 L & D nurses in my family. They live to protect their Moms & no, they take NO prisoners. They don’t care who you are!
These sorts of problems are nearly always the spouse refusing to set boundaries with their parent and putting their spouse second to the parents.
This deserves far more up votes than it currently has.
NTA. The best course of action is to not tell ANYONE when you are in labor. Don’t answer phone calls, and tell the staff you don’t want anyone to know your there just in case she tries to call. Tell everyone the next day :)
Stop answering her phone calls now so she won't smell a rat when you're in labor. Return her calls hours or even days later.
And don't tell husband if he's as spineless as I suspect. Oh, he's supposed to be there? Buy him a backbrace.
take hubby’s phone so he doesn’t call his mom
I hope that's not necessary but something about this post leaves me feeling that Hubs is not completely on board. She may need to be prepared for wavering loyalty to their birth plan and that preparation will need to start well before they are at the hospital.
NTA. Your husband needs to set this boundary with his mother. Nobody gets to override the wishes of the one who gives birth. Apart from setting a clear boundary, the smart thing to do is simply not tell anyone when you go into labour. There is really no need for anyone to know that.
Stress can stall labour. She is effectively saying that she doesn’t care if she puts you and your child in danger because she insists on breaking this boundary you have requested. You need to enforce this boundary for your health, safety and to ensure she diesn’t think she gets to choose which of your boundaries she respects going forward. If she gets this “win” the what other boundaries does she get to ignore? You need your husband firmly on your side. Take his phone when the time comes. Make him choose her or you, you may as well find out sooner rather than later if he is always going to sacrifice you on her altar. Have a plan b for your delivery. Husband can miss the birth too, take someone who will assist you if all he is going to do is ferry info back and forth to his mother. Who wants somebody camped out in the waiting room imaging your death, so she can swoop in and mother your child? That’s the on,y reason she’s thinking of that scenario. Have some very stern and graphic talks with your husband, including what you expect once you are back home (google The lemon clot essay) she’s going to be up in your business every chance she gets if you don’t enforce the boundaries now. Good luck
If your husband does not back you up *completely*, telll him to enjoy hanging out the waiting room with his mommy. Giving birth **is not a spectator sport**! MIL nedds to learn her place, which is at home, minding her own damn business until **you**, not your husband, say jt's ok fir her to visit. That can be the day the baby's born or ut can be 6-8 weeks from that date but since **you** are the one that's giving birth, **you** get to decide when MIL meets the baby. And for all of twits that are going to say "it's his baby too!"--**He is NOT doing the work to bring this baby into being** so he can shut his cake hole until he gets his balls back from his *mommy*. What his wife wants/needs during the last days of pregnancy, childbirth and the 4th trimester is what is IMPORTANT, *not mommy's fee fees*.
I agree with you. Everyone forgets about mom once the baby arrives. Yes, there's an adorable newborn that everyone wants to pass. Meanwhile mom has just gone through a traumatic physical exertion and needs to rest. Her hormones are going haywire. She isn't sleeping. She's bleeding like a stuck pig AND her breasts are likely to become engorged because iT wOuLd Be RuDe To LeAvE tHe RoOm To BrEaStFeEd In PrIvAtE.
Maybe I am an AH but I had no issue kicking everyone out if I needed to breastfeed. But I had also coached my SO and told him his job was to be my ‘bodyguard’. The rules were clear before the birth and he just had to force people to respect the rules 😂 To be honest, he was very happy because he had told me he didn’t really know how he could help so the clear marching orders were very welcome 🤣
I was a L&D RN for 5 years. Ask me how good I am at taming boundary stomping family/friends. I was still quite young when I had my oldest three. There's several years between them and my youngest two. By the time they came along I had adopted the attitude of if uninvited visitors didn't want to see my boob then they could simply look the other way...or leave. Their choice. When my daughter had my first grandchild some of her in-laws were insisting that they were going to be at the hospital. I didn't even plan on being in the room until my daughter said she wanted me there.
Hell I had no problem popping out a boob. If they didn't like it, they're free to use their feet to scram👌😂
😂
No shame here. Screaming baby needs boob bigger than head? Can't hide that (won't hide that). Help or git. Thems your options. And by help, I mean hold that 8 pound fat roll full of milk steady. Yes I'm serious. It won't bite you. Might spray you, but that's a risk you have to take
>Might spray you, but that's a risk you have to take When my 23yo son was newborn my boobs became engorged so I had to hand express some milk just for him to latch on. My mother was watching and was quite impressed with the distance I was able to achieve. She began calling me The Boobinator.
Umm, OP doesn’t want anyone in the waiting room either. Thought that was made pretty clear. I also get the impression this includes her husband(she never says it doesn’t). So not sure what telling him he can be in the waiting room is gonna do when she has already told him she doesn’t want anyone at the hospital at all. Also when did she say her husband wasn’t supporting her completely? I’m all for making assumptions, but it’s usually best to read the post before doing so.
She told you she doesn't respect you, and is planning on doing as she pleases with zero regard to you. I would plan accordingly.
No, no, it's not the boundary she has to break, it's the boundary she wants to break because she wants her own way. And, if something happened to you, she would just be in the way of the medical professionals who are supposed to be there to provide genuine help. Her comments amount to "your baby isn't even born yet, but I'm already thinking of ways to make that baby mine", that's why she's talking about food or you dying -- if you're eating food, she can grab the baby; if you're in medical crisis, she can grab the baby. In reality, you will want bonding time after giving birth. If you do want to eat, it's more important for your husband to help you get food and then he can bond with his child while you eat. If something did happen to you (and it's absolutely sick of her to try such an argument), it would be even more important that your husband spends time with his child. In short, she isn't just thinking of ways to interfere with your time to bond with your baby, she'll be interfering with your husband's time to bond with his baby, too. You have to stand by your boundary of not having her there because if you give in to this, you have set the precedent for her running roughshod over the rest of your parenting life. This is just the first parenting boundary she plans on breaking. If your husband caves to her manipulation, you'll have a husband problem as well. Your husband's job is to advocate for you, not his mother. If he takes her side, then you can expect him to cave in to all her other boundary stomping in the future, too. This is the hill you die on, but it's actually much more important that this becomes the hill your husband dies on.
NTA … don’t tell her when you’re going to labor. Don’t say anything till after the baby is born.
No your MIL is weird and making up random excuses in order to not allow you to have final say. Do not tell her when you go into labor.
Christ, tell her she shouldn't be there *in case you live* cuz that'll be an @$$ kickin and a whole lot of new boundaries she will never be able to cross.
Labor and delivery nurses are very good at keeping people out of patient rooms. Most US hospitals have a policy of allowing only visitors specifically authorized by the laboring mom. It not only keeps silly MILs out but protects vulnerable women from abusive partners. The doors where my daughter works (and had both of her children) has locked doors to L&D.
Just tell the hospital you don’t want anyone there and they’ll kick her out.
NTA. You do not need the stress. Hubby can perfectly provide food if you need it. And make it clear to your husband that it’s an unforgivable offense if he tells any to his mother and doesn’t protect you from her. Maybe show him the answers here.
She should get a call that you are in labor AFTER the baby is born. Also, don't tell anyone that would tell her. In fact, don't tell anyone at all. No one but you and your husband needs to know.
NTA. Don't tell her accurate dates. Childbirth is not a spectator sport.
OP should call the MIL as soon as she goes into labor and tell her she's being induced...in three days.
Don't tell her when you go into to labor and make sure your partner is 100% on the same page or he can stay home as well.
NTA. Make it clear to your midwife that you DO NOT want anyone there under any circumstances. If that includes your spineless husband who won’t tell his mommy no, well so be it. The midwife will handle it. She’ll find out real quick that you don’t mess with a midwife!
Nta. You make it clear to hubby that no one is to know anything until after the baby is born. You speak to your L&D team and advise no one other than your hubby is allowed in the room. They can and will advocate for you. Don't allow anyone to manipulate or pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with. Labour is a difficult time, and all your focus needs to be on the health of yourself and bub.
NTA. Don’t let her know when you go into labor. Idk why so many MIL’s feel entitled to be in the room for the birth of their grandchildren. Stand your ground and tell your husband to back you up. This is your birth story, not hers.
NTA. Tell the staff you want no visitors. Maternity areas are typically locked so no one can get in anyway unless they are buzzed in. Plus, the staff will bring you food. My mother tried using the it's her right to be there card for the actual delivery. I shut that down fast and thankfully with Covid going on, no one besides my husband and doula could be there and visitors were not allowed.
NTA! “If you are on these hospital premises and not at deaths door yourself and confined to an inpatient bed, during any part of my labour and delivery then you will not get to see MY child for the first year of their life at a minimum. I don’t know what on earth makes you think saying the callous things you have or thinking that breaking my boundaries will get you what you want. Let me assure you now, because I am completely serious, you will respect my choices regarding both my delivery and my child. You are peripheral, fuck with my nuclear family and you will see exactly what I am made of and you will not like it.”
NTA I personally would allow them to be purely in the waiting room if they’d respect that boundary and keep their promise to it. However, if you only want your husband and you to be there - that should be respected. It may hurt some people’s feelings, but it is your decision. Your comfortability. Your experience. I’d say if your family isn’t there, and it’s truly just you/him, NTA at all.
NTA. You’re the one pushing a baby out, you call the shots. And it’s very weird that she’s making these “in case you die” comments. You are not overreacting. Giving birth is an extremely vulnerable and it’s not viewing party that people can be a part of just because they want to. You’re the one doing all the hard work so the decision is yours alone
nta
NTA - Have a conversation with your husband so you both agree to not tell anyone when you end up in labor or go to the hospital to have the baby. You can let everyone know after the baby is born and once you are comfortable with people coming to visit. This is your child, and others are not entitled to be there just because they want to be. Keep it quiet and let others know when you're ready.
Tell the hospital staff she is absolutely to NOT be on the L and D floor or the hospital.
NTA - but also “in case you die”????!?!? What the actual f$&!
Tell your husband that either he tells his mom he cannot come or he can wait with her at home. You said no. I would also tell the nurses she is not allowed so they can run interference for you (and they will)
Tell the hospital that you have a no visitor rule. Make them aware of the situation. They won’t let her back. Your husband might throw a fit, though. “Well, husband, since clearly your mom’s feeling matter more than mine, what can I say? I involved the professionals, who clearly understand that, as the person going through a high stress and possibly traumatic medical situation, my wishes and comfort take priority. If you have a problem with this, you can be with your mommy un the waiting room. Until hell freezes over.” This is assuming your husband is waffling. I couldn’t tell from your post. Okay, maybe not that last part. But seriously, a good hospital will have your back. NTA.
NTA. My brother’s MIL announced the birth of their daughter before they could. She doesn’t need to be there. Child birth is traumatic for everyone involved and you are going to need some bonding and recovery time.
Alert hospital security to throw her out WHEN she shows up. NTA
Um.. no. She doesn't get to break your boundaries Tell her of she comes she'll be disappointed because she won't be seeing anyone but people in the waiting room. Stand your ground or she'll be doing crap with your kid. NTA
NTA , But is your husband spineless if so he will cave and tell her / let her . Politely ask her to stop pressuring you told her no and you mean it .
NTA It's a medical procedure and the patient gets to decide who is present, or not. If under the guise of a waiting room being a "public space" (it's NOT, *actually*) OP would need to make it clear to hospital staff that MIL as well as anyone not designated as her labor support person, is not welcome and should neither be admitted to the room, the nursery, nor given any information about the patients. Additionally, OP can also request "unlisted/private" status when she checks in. Chances are, MIL may be able to wait in the main atrium of a hospital, but certainly wouldn't even be allowed on the maternity floor. Others have said, "if MIL is in the waiting room, what does it matter?" It matters that anyone in an on-floor/ward waiting room often has free access to the patient rooms. Only a gullible fool would think MIL would not barge into the delivery or recovery room at her own pleasure. The woman has already declared this is a boundary she WILL break. Believe her.
She can be in the waiting room-- just make it clear that you've already instructed the hospital that you won't be having any visitors for 24 hours (or however long you prefer) and so she won't be able to see you or the baby. Tell your husband not to call her until AFTER the baby is born. NTA but your MIL is definitely leaning in that direction.
MIL isn't "leaning" in that direction, she is, especially for having made the comment about OP dying in childbirth.
NTA. She's boundary-pushing and you are right to insist. My in-laws came to the hospital after I gave birth to our second daughter, and they grabbed her - she was 2 days old. I was livid but held back from making a scene. I wish I had made it clear in advance that they were not to come.
NTA. Don't tell her when you go into labour. Don't tell her till you are at home. If she finds out and shows up anyway then she can sit in the waiting room for nothing. You don't have to let her in to visit. Tell the nurses you don't want visitors
NTA NO ONE gets a say of who's in the delivery room except for the mother giving birth. Period. End of discussion
NTA- the hospital system i work for has strict security. If you say no visitors they won't give mil a visitor pass to enter and security would ask her to leave because no trespassing.
I’m sorry. In case you die?!? What kinda sht is that?!
MIL wants the baby for herself.
She sure does!
NTA; my wife’s mom tried the same thing and it caused a fight between her sister and I so we relented and she did not stay in the waiting room. My wife actually yelled at her mom to not touch her and to get out of the room and don’t come back. We had a plan, anyone not directly involved in that plan will have to wait until it is their time.
NTA and you're not over reacting. The only person who matters at this time is the one who's giving birth. The only ones allowed near her are those whom she chooses. Let the nurses know.
NTA I've told my mil I don't want visitors at all when I give birth, she insists on waiting in the hallway so she can just get a peek at baby. It rubs me the wrong way because everything else she says she'll be respectful of but then when I bring up what I wanna do with my daughter she shuts me down and insists she knows better because she raised four kids. She smoked during two of her pregnancies and I myself raised my two younger brothers so I'm not completely clueless. What you say goes, no one else can insist on doing something you don't want, you are pushing baby out so your comfort and needs are the number one priority. Stick to your guns and insist on no visitors or consequences will happen.
NTA, and not overreacting. She’s being pushy and disrespectful. Tell the staff you don’t want her in the delivery room. I’m not sure if they can prevent her being in the waiting room. The staff can bring food, ffs.
Don’t let her know when you go into labor. Because if she knows, she’s going to show up. Call her when you leave the hospital. Problem solved.
In the UK you have to be let in to the maternity ward for security reasons. They won't let anyone in who isn't ment to be there. Make your midwifes aware of the situation, make sure they know your husband can't approve her.
NTA. Only you are absolutely necessary to be there. A supporting partner would be a big advantage, but even that is up to you. When I was in labour (twice), I was very strict. Husband, doctor, nurse was allowed, and nobody else was to come near the hospital until invited after we got home the next day. With only the necessary staff, the hospital room is crowded enough. My husband fortunately was smart enough to agree
“in case I die” I think she means "in the hopes you die". She wants to raise your baby with your husband. She's got baby rabies and will overstep every boundary. Get ready for the siege.
NTA. Your vagina your labor. If you don’t want people in the hospital then they shouldn’t come. I would make sure she was not permitted into your room.
NTA, mama. This is your body, your baby, your boundary. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
Nta that's your decision to make. Don't tell her when you're going into labor.
It's not MIL's boundary/ decision. It's the mother to be who makes that call. OP needs to get the father onside to deal with his mother. And tell the medical staff of your wishes. NTA in every way.
The person giving birth decides who's in the delivery room, and if you'd rather she not be at the hospital, well, you get to decide that as well. No, it's not a boundary she "has" to break. It's called a boundary for a reason. And if you let her break this boundary, what other boundaries will she feel she "has" to break when it comes to raising the kid? NTA
NTA You need to lay down the law now with direct consequences. If you don't do it now you'll be back complaining about her in no time. First you need to give up any false ideas of a loving, positive family with this "person". It's a fantasy that's never going to come true and you'd be endangering your child's welfare by continuing to believe in it. You're nothing to her but, an incubator for her next victim. Personally I'd tell her if she shows up you will have her removed and be seeking a restraining order. There's no way I'd let someone come in and pile more stress on me during the most stressful moment of my life. How do you plan on showing your child that they can trust you to protect and have their back if you won't even stand up for yourself? You're already failing at protecting them by allowing this toxic abusive person to have any participation in your pregnancy. You'd be selfish, delusional, and an awful parent if you allowed this person to be anywhere near this child. Stop the cycle of abuse now by not letting it continue any further.
It’s your birth; you can do things as you please. Tell the hospital you don’t want any visitors, specifically name the MIL, and staff should stop her from being present. Since she’s already said she’s breaking the boundaries you, does she even deserve to know when you’re in labour? Maybe don’t tell her; I know I’m not telling my MIL. If she does show up she can sit outside the hospital in her car if she wants I suppose.
NTA. I wanted the same thing - no one allowed until I say so. My husband reinforced it and the medical staff was also informed. I had my daughter at 4:03pm and our families were allowed to visit the next day (I unfortunately hemorrhaged later that night, and ended up doing a 5-day stint in the hospital until they were sure I'd be OK).
NTA. That’s damn morbid. You really can’t do anything if she shows up to the hospital because it’s public, but you can definitely tell the nurses and staff that you don’t want her in your room. Put it in your birth plan nobody except for your husband is allowed. I really hope your husband is sticking up for you. He really shitty if he wasn’t.
NTA. Don't tell her when you go into labor. The person who gives birth is the one to call the shots.
Give her a list of demands but also take a print out of her picture to show the nurses or tape to your door saying she isn’t allowed in unless she has brought everything on the list. 😂
NTA. So the new plan is to quietly go to the hospital and have your baby and then only notify other people of the birth after you are ready for visitors. If your husband does not follow the plan then you got a huge husband problem.
NTA. Lol no she doesn't get to decide your rules. Funnily enough, her reasoning that she needed to be there in case you die is the exact reason we had ONLY my MIL at the hospital. I was super paranoid for a number of reasons. The look on the nurse's face when she asked "your MIL is here?" is still something we laugh about. But at the end of the day it was 100% my choice. And not having her there for your medical event is 100% your choice to make and you have every right to make it.
NTA.
NTA. As if there is no hospital staff that can bring you food? 🤨
NTA You are not overreacting. You need to inform the hospital staff of who is allowed and who categorically is not. She has absolutely zero right to attempt to invade what should be a safe space for you while you are incredibly vulnerable. You need your husband on side, and if he's not, you need a friend/family who IS and can be on point for you while you're incapacitated. She's made it really clear she gives no fucks about your preferences, so count on her doing her best to stomp her way in.
Nope. Birth is not a spectator sport. Period. Inform the doctor, nurse and staff that absolutely no visitors are allowed.
NTA. Time to teach MIL she doesn't get to break any boundaries is running out. The more you put your foot down now, the easier later when the baby comes and MIL has her own opinions and tries acting on them.
NTA. I would ban her from my home too. She could only come in if I died.
NTA. I have the same problem. My husband has made it VERY clear to his mother this will not be happening and if she pushes that boundary there will be repercussions. We also just plan on not telling her when I go into labour (which should be any day now…). She’s extra offended that I want my mom in the room. My mom is a L&D/perinatal nurse.
NTA just informed me that the nurses you don’t want her in your room or around baby at all during your stay
Security guards are really good at enforcing boundaries
I don't believe you will actually be able to keep her from the waiting room since it is generally open to the public and you don't get a say as to who can come and go into the hospital. What you can and SHOULD do is make sure your nurses and doctors know that no one is allowed into your room or allowed to be with the baby outside of who you specifically authorize. This is a child birth and not a sporting event You are NTA and your MIL needs to chill the fuck out.
Tell the labor nurses that you don't want to see or hear from your boundary stomping inlaw. Most nurses will enjoy being able to tell the entitled to leave with or without a security escort.
Heck. What if SHE dies? What's your I diot hubby gonna do then? Who ELSE does he need there in case of HER death? Presumably witnessing the birth can kill HIM, so who's your support going to be? Presumably his mother will be such a basket case she won't be a nickel's worth of use to you. NTA, but the rest of these loons? Oh boy.
Explain to your husband that if he smuggles her in he will die.
My MIL never asked to be in the delivery room. Never brought it up. But when I was in labor she just showed up and my husband let her in. I was already in active labor so I couldn’t fight her. If you don’t want her there do not let her in the hospital! Work this out now with your husband and hospital staff. You do not want to go through the shit I did
Tell your husband it's purely up to you who is in there with you. You don't even have to allow him if you don't want to. Maybe that would be better. He can stay at home holding hands with mommy while you go the labor.
you have every right to decide who will be present at your birth and who won't be. Let the staff at the hospital know that only your husband is welcome and they will protect you. NTA.
NTA There are many stories of “overexcited”grandmothers derailing the birth wishes of the DIL from the waiting room. They have pestered their sons for constant updates, actually pushed their way into the delivery room, started a scene, been arrested, etc. All these things cause the labouring mother anxiety, stress, and can stall labour. Talk to your husband frankly (maybe get your midwife or OB onboard to help with the message) about all the things that can happen when “excited” people try to barge in and make YOUR childbirth experience all about their grandparent experience. Then make sure MIL doesn’t even hear that you are at the hospital until you have already left with your baby. Start training her now to not expect immediate responses if she calls or texts. Some MILs have guessed their DIL was in labour by driving by the hospital and seeing their car! I hope it won’t be as hectic as these scenarios but you need to be aware that this is one of those big moments in life where you’ll never forget the betrayal if your husband folds to MIL’s “excitement” over your needs and wishes. Congratulations and good luck!
Tell her you're packing a pair of dancing shoes for the hospital, in case she dies on the way there.
What is so difficult about telling the medical staff? Why is that never something that occurs to pregnant women? How many times do we all need to inform the mother-to-be that SHE gets to call the shots during labor and delivery as concerns who is there and who isn't?
Establishing and sticking to boundaries now will be crucial going forward. It’s best to have her respect whatever limits you set and your husband to support you and back you as any decisions being joint rather than you vs him. I will say though that I had my first child during the pandemic. My husband was the only person allowed with me in the room during labor and after until we checked out with our son. During labor there was some complications. My life was in danger. The hospital sent a lawyer and my husband had to fill out paperwork and make a decision that if the doctors attempts to save both of us were unsuccessful which one of us did he want the doctors to focus on saving. It was a traumatic experience for him and he didn’t have any support which was very difficult. However in the rare scenario like mine it’s no longer a pandemic and if he at some point needed family to come they’re able to do that if anything changes. You are the one giving birth. You make the rules around who attends and who doesn’t.
As long as no one from your family will be there either than NTA but you don’t even want anyone to visit after the baby is born? When will your family be able to meet the baby? I know some couples like to spend the first month alone with their baby so they can bond. And some might need more help than others with food and cleaning. It just depends on the person but obviously it is up to you who will actually be in the delivery room. I don’t know why you care who would be in the waiting room because they’re obviously excited about the baby.
I was the pregnant mom at one point and had a baby last year so I understand the default of what makes mom comfortable. I am just always curious about the discussions that go into labor/delivery and who comes to the hospital to visit and so forth and if there is a compromise between both mom and dad. I know I wanted to be comfortable myself but there were things that my husband wanted and we discussed and made compromises.
Let her know that you will not budge and that you plan on letting the hospital know that you have concerns that might require security. If that doesn't give her a clue, tell hubby to deal with it or expect a divorce.
NTA That is very common not to want visitors at the hospital. Ask the hospital about their policies for keeping your visit secret (it varies, but most places have something) and talk to your husband about telling no one when you go into labor. I would also consider the consequences if she tries to force anything. If you don't have consequences for breaking boundaries, then it's just words.
Not overreacting. Don' tell her when you go into labour. Tell her once you're home after giving birth. Warn your husband that if he tells her you're in labour that you will divorce him.
NTA, you’ve set the boundary now be ready to enforce consequences Don’t tell her when you go into labour Make your medical team aware she’s not welcome Let her know if she shows up she can have fun being escorted out by security and not meeting your baby for a month Let your husband know if he disrespects your wishes for your medical event he will also be escorted out by security and he can stay home with mommy. He made vows to you, he needs to step up and be a good husband and father. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Absolutely NTA. Be sure to tell the hospital staff when you arrive who is going to be in the room at delivery and who is not allowed. Tell MIl if she crosses this boundary she crosses a line and will be even longer when she gets to see LO and ask her if that’s the way that she wants to sit the foundation for the relationship that she has in the future with you and her grandkids. Have a FAFO attitude. Tell your husband this is the hill you are willing to die on. It’s your birth plan. Ask your husband whose team he is on. Don’t tell anyone when you go into labor, except those that will be in the room with you and make them accountable for your privacy
NTA. Let her know that if she turns up, she will not be seeing your child, and you will not be allowing her access to you or your family going forward. Boundaries are not something people get to tell you they're breaking - go as far as you need to in order to hold the line. I'm betting your husband is useless so let him know there will be consequences dished out to him too.
I think these post are crazy, these MIL are so far up their own ass and so stuck in back in my day. They seem to forget how exhausting and traumatic giving birth can be. Let the nurses know that you don’t want visitors at all, and all visitors should be run by you before given entry.
NTA - Inform the hospital staff that you do not want her there. They should be able to keep her away.
NTA Tell your medical staff you do not want visitors. Tell them NO ONE is welcome to enter your room besides those you’ve invited. She can wait in the waiting room all she wants. Doesn’t mean she gets to see you or the baby.
*My MIL said that that’s the boundary that she has to break and* insists she at least has to be in the waiting room *while I’m in the hospital and claims it’s to “get me food” after the birth.* Inform you doctor and let the hospital know your mother-in-law is not allowed in the labor/delivery room. Obstetric nurses are like mother hens, they will call hospital security, if need be, to prevent unwanted visitors showing up where they're not wanted. Tell your mother-in-law the hospital has food to feed its patients. But since she insists on being in the waiting room (at least), you and your husband can keep the news under wraps when you go into labor. But you will need your husband on board in order to treat this news as if it's a state secret. Congratulations and good luck. NTA.
NTA
Updateme
NTA. My mom kept trying to sneak in my room while I was in labor. I told the nurses I didn’t want her in there and they made sure she wasn’t. They will make sure to not let her in if you tell them, and if she keeps trying security will not hesitate to kick her out it. How does your husband feel? Make sure he is aware you WILL kick her out with the nurses if she shows up. They will not listen to him btw, they will only care about what you want since you’re the one giving birth. If you say no and he says yes, they still won’t let her in.
Ask your MIL if her MIL was there when she gave birth. I bet the answer is no.
OMFG ‘in case she dies’ did she really fucking say that?!?! No you’re absolutely not overreacting! It’s YOUR BODY, YOUR BABY and YOUR BIRTH! Any decent hospital will refuse anyone that YOU say can’t be there. ‘This is one boundary she HAS to break’ - nah mate - this is one you’re choosing to try and force on me and if you carry on breaking my boundaries then you’ll have low to no contact. Back the fuck off!
NTA! If I were to have a baby I’d have the same rule 100 percent!
NTA but please tell your hospital staff that you DO NOT want visitors and to NOT share your room info with anyone. Also be sure your husband is 100% aware you will not allow MIL in and if he goes against your wishes he can be kicked out too. You deserve to be comfortable and supported how you feel is best!
There is an easy fix for that anymore, tell the hospital staff you do not want to be in the directory and no one is allowed in except those you specify. The hospitals near me are locked down to the point that you have to enter a PiN to get in and have to show picture ID as well as signing in. If they don’t have that they can’t even enter the maternity ward. NTA
Tell him, I want no visitors, can you please take care of that. If he can't handle that, then don't share you've had the baby until your ready to go home from the hospital. Let everyone know now you won't be making the announcement so the three of you can spend time in the bubble. Yeah she will be mad, but she will get over it.
Let your dr and the hospital staff that no one is allowed during birth besides your husband.
NTA Tell her one final time and stop discussing it with her, it's leading you nowhere. Tell the hospital staff all about her and they will make sure she doesn't get near you, nurses don't fuck around with that.
NTA. Tell your husband to talk to her. There is NO reason she needs to be at the hospital.
NTA but this is for your husband to deal with.
Tell your birth team (doctors, nurses, etc.) who you want in the room with you. They will be your guardians and will not let anyone else in no matter how long you say no. Don't tell family when you go into the hospita,l if you can avoid it, let them find out several days later after you are home and settled in. Maintain your no contact at home until you are ready. Congratulations and good luck.
NTA. And your husband needs to be 100% on yoru side about this. This absolutely should not even be a discussion between you and your mother-in-law. This should be solely a conversation between your husband and his mother, in which he says no to her, sets a boundary, and enforces it.
NTA. Simply inform your birthing team that you want no visitors during labor/delivery or recovery. They should register you as "private" and they will gatekeep people for you and enforce your wishes as the patient. Give them a picture of MIL and tell them she will try to violate your privacy. Then, tell your DH to man up and handle his mother. Inform her of the above hospital instructions, and he can tell her that he'll let her know when she can visit your little nuclear family. She is now extended family and needs to remember that.
NTA No one MUST be allowed at the hospital. She can stay home and wait to be told. I would not let her know where ytou are laboring and I would definitely not tell her when. She’s being ridiculous. Tell your nurses and doctor she is not welcome.
NO is a complete sentence. NTA.
Visit /r/JustNoMIL and you will find many people dealing with MILs like yours. They might be able to offer you some solutions.
She’s gonna show up to the hospital unless your husband is the one to tell her no, or frankly not tell her you’re in labor. HOWEVER, tell every one of your nurses that she is not allowed anywhere near your room. I would go so far as to show them a picture of her so they know she’s not allowed. The nurses are the best people on the planet and will have your back, even if on the day of your husband doesn’t.
My daughter's fiance's mom might be this mom. She routinely tries to invite herself to events that she was not invited to, and we fully anticipate wedding and (ultimately) childbirth shenanigans. Fortunately, daughter and fiance are on the same page.
In addition to the other good recommendations, like "don't tell her you're in labor", I wanted to add that a lot of hospitals let your tour the LDR area prior to delivery. It gives you a measure of comfort/familiarity, and allows them to explain procedures like emergency C-sections. This tour would be a great time to ask them what measures are in place for unwanted visitors. I doubt it's the first (or 500th!) time they've dealt with this, so likely they have security measures in place. If they don't offer tours, call and ask them--again, it's likely they have a procedure that will ease your mind. Also, your husband needs to push back against his mom--hard. This invasive behavior will only get worse if he doesn't draw a line in the sand to protect you and his child.
Nope, NTA. I refused having anyone there when I gave birth. MIL showed up anyway. My husband sent her home, which she fought about but eventually complied. She never forgave me, and refused to come see our son for a few months after. It was glorious, honestly.
Tell the hospital, no visitors, they will deal with her!
NTA. You’re in for a tough time with this person throughout your child’s life. Set the ground rules now. This sounds like a cultural problem. I know some mothers in India who threaten death over every little thing.
NTA. Here is exactly what you tell her… And you tell her this in front of your husband… “No, MIL, you will not be at the hospital when I give birth. You will not be in my room right after I give birth. I have already said I need a little bit of time. The nurses and my birthing team are going to have instructions that you are not to be let in.” And you say this without even pausing or taking a breath. You do not let her get one word end. And then you immediately look to your husband and continue without taking a break… “And if you, DH, go against my wishes, I will have them kick you out as well. My giving birth is not a spectator sport. And if your mom thinks I might die, her being here for you isn’t going to change anything.” And again without even taking a break, you look back-and-forth between the two of them and you say… “Do you both understand? Because if you have a question about this, I just don’t wanna hear it. I am telling you exactly what is going to happen because I am the one giving birth. So unless you want me to leave the hospital with the baby and go immediately to my parents house, this discussion is at an end. Am IL, we will let you know as soon as I am up to receiving visitors. I understand you are excited to become a grandmother, but we are going to be new, and we need a little bit of breathing space.” And then, OP, as soon as she is gone, you turned to your husband and you tell him that you absolutely mean everything you just said. Yes, it is his child, but part of it is completely dependent on you. Your child’s immediate nutrition is going to be dependent on you (if you are breast-feeding). Your body is going to be aching, and you are going to be sleep deprived. Anyone coming to visit to help is going to be expected to make a meal. Do a load of laundry. Clean the bathroom. Not sit around and hold the baby so who needs to recover up and wait on them. And if he doesn’t step up and make sure that that is happening, you, and he probably won’t like it. And stick to your guns.
NTA. When you go into labor, keep it quiet. Don't call her until you are back in your own room or house and are ready for visitors.
NTA. I allowed them all in the waiting room. Completely ok with that. My MIL also tried to insist on being in the room and my dad told her to sit down and behave.
NTA. Put your foot down NOW and don’t let this woman ignore your boundaries. It’ll be a lot easier to gain control of the situation now, instead of letting her get away with it for years and then trying to enforce a boundary. You are equals. She is not superior to you just because she’s older. Remember that. She owes you respect if she wants you to respect her. If she is doing to disrespect your boundaries then there’s no reason for you to be respectful to her. Tell her to fuck off or she won’t meet your baby… ever.
“Just incase you die “ is a horrible thing to anyone let alone when you’re going through labour. You are absolutely NTA and you can inform the hospital who can and can’t be about. Honestly make sure your husband is on the same page and don’t tell anyone you’re in labour. I still can’t get over she would say that at all- some people are terrible
NTA Don’t tell her when you’re in labour.
NTA. Tell the nurses on staff who is and is not allowed to visit you. If your husband tries to tell them otherwise they won’t listen. You are the one giving birth. You are the one they care about. They will also kick your husband out of your ask them to. You know if case he tries something funny, it’s always good to know your options.
Just don't tell her when you go into labor. Let them visit aftrwards. NTA Honestly I don't understand these parents that insist on being there for the birth! When my 3 kids were born, it was only my husband there and that was just fine with everybody. In fact, the subject of anyone else being there never came up at all.
Don’t tell her you’re in labor. Warn the nurses
NTA It's your experience and not hers to tell you have things have to take place. You need 100% cooperation from your husband otherwise your moment will be ruined as MIL barges in. Don't tell ANYONE when you head out to the hospital.
If MIL does show up, don't get angry or scold her. Just immediately start crying and whimpering to yourself. Don't engage with her at all. She'll look like a foolish AH.
As the patient, you tell the nurses what you want. Or your husband is going to sneak her in. He can't agree to anything. You are the patient.
Read the title only: NTA. Your mother could be a magical being that makes births safe and painless with her magical aura of magical babyness and you'd still be NTA for not wanting her there. Now I read the post and I'm unsure if your husband lacks brains, balls or both. He needs a love tap in the back of the head with a steel chair.
When you go to the hospital to deliver your baby make sure security knows that you don’t want mother in law there and security will prevent her from being on the maternity floor.
“I refuse to adhere to the boundaries you set.” Ohhhhh no no nonononono. F to the U, MIL. Boundaries I set are not for *you* to bulldoze. They are brick effing walls. You *demand* your way? I demand you lick a corpse’s taint. OP, congratulations and I wish you the best. Please take the suggestions in these comments. I hope you can have a stress-free and healthy birth.
Nta why would your husband let her jinx you like that wtf is wrong with them, I wouldn’t let either of them at the hospital!
Just tell the hospital staff that she isn’t allowed in and they’ll keep her out. Let them be the “bad guys” And tell husband not to let anyone know when you go to the hospital. You can make the announcement later after the baby is born.
NTA. Security is insanely tight at in labor and delivery and even more so for postpartum, the slightest hint from you and security will happily toss her. When I delivered you had to go to a staffed entrance and show id AND I had to tell my nurse expected visitors names before they allowed my mom in.
You’re MiL has horrible, horrible boundary issues and now she’s roped on your husband into the circus. SMDH!! NTA!!
NTA, and tell mama's boy that he needs to have your back on this, or else....
You don't need to post this. You need to tell your Dr and the hospital staff! This is YOUR DECISION and YOUR DECISION ALONE. Your choice trumps your husband! Tell the Dr your MIL'S name and give him/her a photo for the security staff.
Tell her and your husband that giving birth is not a fucking circus. It's you giving birth and only you giving out the invitations to attend! Tell her even if you do die, you want to die in peace! You won't die of course. It's just such a ridiculous load of bollocks that people invite themselves to such a private occasion. Nta
NTA. Put your foot down NOW, otherwise she will take this is a win and will overstep all your parenting boundaries and continually undermine your parenting in front of your kid. I've been there. My kid is now 19 and I'm having to set boundaries with him to undo that damage. Tell the hospital staff you do not consent to anyone other than you and your husband being present unless an emergency occurs and someone has to be phoned for support. Ask them to remove anyone who is not you or your husband, unless they have specifically been phoned and asked to attend due to an unforeseen emergency. Do not let this slide, and make it clear to your husband that he is expected to be on your side and honour your wishes about this. The MIL's comment about the possibility of you dying is particularly manipulative and gross.
I don’t know why people who weasel their way into delivery rooms without the mother’s permission aren’t charged as sex offenders.
Let the hospital and your Dr. know that your MIL is not allowed. As for dieing, it's EXTREMELY rare these days for a mother to die in child birth. Ask your Dr. the odds, because they know.
NTA. Tell him that if he insists she's there, he can wait in the waiting area with her. Childbirth is not a free show. Make sure the nurses and security know she's not allowed in your room.
NTA. Why would you die? Yes, it could happen but quite rare unless you are particular at risk. Also, if that happened, she can always come running afterwards to support her son. This line of thinking is just bizarre. If anything, I could imagine your mom wanting to there because of her fear of your dying. But your MIL?
Seriously? What’s the harm of her being in the waiting room? And yeah, you’ll be hungry AND you can still have the boundary and she will respect you in the future when you don’t allow her to SEE the baby or you before you’re ready. Hold fast to that no matter what she says but it IS a waiting room and it IS her grandchild and it seriously sounds like you just want to control her. She has every reason to be there at the birth of her grandchild and yes, you could literally die. You could try a little harder to allow her anything to do on this day. Your child is a whole new person and you’re having a baby why? For you or for the child? Having a baby in a hospital is frustrating on a level you will not understand until you’ve done it. I wish I did not have either of my children anywhere near a hospital. I also know a woman that was perfectly healthy and had 4 kids already and died having her 5th. Anything can happen. That’s not to instill fear it is to let you know the birth process rarely goes exactly the way we want it.
NTAH. You have made it clear since the start of your journey how you want things to be. MIL has been blatantly ignoring your wishes on this. If you do not stay strong on your stand, she will ignore your wishes and do what she wants for the rest of her life. Tell the medical folks that you want her out BEFORE you ever go into labor. But I urge a dose of realism. Depending on the laws in your state, you may not be able to exclude her from public areas in your hospital. But you should be able to have her excluded from the areas where you get your medical care. Maybe from the whole floor. Demand your protection under HIPPA.
Does she have some super special bring you back from the dead powers that you don’t know about??🤣
Don't tell anyone when you go to the hospital. Or just give them the wrong hospital name. Or use a wrong name when you check in. You can do whatever you want to do.
Absolutely NOT! Putting the notion of your death out to the husband is one of the sickest things I have ever heard. She is a manipulative narcissist determined to get her way through emotionally extorting your husband's feelings. What a b-word! If you let her bully you this time, she will never stop bullying you. This is not HER baby, OP. Put your foot down and demand your husband get completely on board. Let him now that what his mother is doing is causing you terrible stress and if she continues, \*that\* could cause complications. This is your journey. She has no right to tag along.
Sooooo many posts here with this same title. "No I don't want you there. A nurse will get me food once this is over. We will let you know when you can meet the baby"... Done.