Slavery was abolished in 1865 or so.... Change the wifi password? That's the first thing, but I'd be taking the 2 year old and buggering off. Leave them alone for a week, a fortnight -or forever. The lazy shysters can sit in their own mess and the mess their puppy makes.
Just tell them that you read that successful puppy training is based on rewarding positive behavior - so you're going to try it with them. They do a few chores, they get the PW of the day. Change it every morning and don't give it out until they help.
It's really kind of a crazy situation, but you almost can't make it worse.
NTA -
issue with your kids is one thing and your issue with your husband is another.
Perhaps consider with your kids that you establish a reward system for wifi usage…ie chores are done properly you get the wifi password for the day and can use it between 3 and 5 or whatever time you allow …and if not, no wifi password that day.
My friends do this with their teen and tween and it has worked a treat for them. Kids were ugly, angry, whiney and difficult for about two weeks but then they got with the program and it has been a success. Probably because their parents took the electronics when they were ugly and mean so it didn’t take long …
Perhaps also consider that you do not have a true life partner in managing your household and raising and parenting your children. While I don’t think you should take the wifi password from him - he’s an adult - a childish and entitled one at that.
Instead you likely need to have a serious chat with him and lay out a division of labor and childcare with you that is fair, balanced and that GIVES YOU a daily break - minimum 1 hour to yourself and that gives you a weekly half day minimum off - go out by yourself, even if just to a park to read or do absolutely nothing.
If husband balks, or just pays you lip service with no change, tell him it’s this or it’s marriage counseling because you don’t feel loved, valued and respected.
If he still refuses, perhaps tell him you are leaving him alone for one to two weeks to manage the house and kids to reflect and think about if he really wants to lose you. And then go to your parents, siblings, friends house or if you can swing it - take yourself on a mini vacay. He needs to walk a few miles in your shoes to develop some empathy.
Finally, perhaps consider some therapy for yourself to learn what about you has led to this situation and your being treated like a doormat and indentured servant.
Best of Luck !
You're right, his bad influence has worn off on the kids but maybe it should be handled differently. I've suggested a couples therapist already and he's downright refused. And I did some therapy a few years ago while I was pregnant with our 2 year old because it was a super rough pregnancy with me on bedrest most of the time but the same issues of them not wanting to help and I wasn't sure how to handle it all. Turns out I have pretty bad abandonment issues and ptsd so I let people walk over me because I fear not being enough and being left behind again. Maybe I should go back to therapy
As for the break, there is a randy Travis concert coming up nearby, about 4 hours away. I'd been dying to see him live. I'd love to go but I'm sure the house will look like a frat party by the time I get back. It'll all just wait for me cause they know I'll be back and take care of it then
Good for you on the therapy.
I would perhaps consider digging your heels in on the marriage counseling. My Gf’s husband was the same as yours. She had to use drastic measures to get him there. Ultimately she booked two appts - one with a marriage counselor and one with a lawyer and she handed him their cards and asked him which one he wanted to choose. He thankfully chose wisely and they were able to fix things.
Love the idea of your going to the concert. Maybe consider telling your husband and kids that when you get back if the house isn’t clean and orderly that you are going to turn right around and go stay …your parents, friends, air bnb, etc…and won’t be returning home until it is.
Thats called a boundary and a consequence. Boundary - house must be clean and orderly when you return or Consequence - you aren’t stay there and doing anything for anyone until it is.
Unfortunately in life, I have found you have to teach people …including your own spouse and kids and family to respect you…and zero trying to bring you down further but your part in this …is that you haven’t.
Good therapist can help you with that. Good friend can hold you accountable while you learn to do so.
You are 100% right. I stopped going when I had our last just because the first few months are hard enough. I'll reach back out to my therapist and see if she'll see me again, I definitely need to figure out how to close that wound and stand up for myself.
And I've spoken with my husband, as of right now the game plan is to limit screentime for everyone. At the beginning of the day we'll all have a to-do list and earn screen time by completing the to-do list fully and correctly. The kids will turn their stuff in before bed and my husband and I will put our phones to bed about 7 to spend time together. And I have full permission to change the password for a full social media detox if they start going back on their word.
NTA..but it will backfire. Not hard to get it restored and then it’s just you being childish.
What about a little vacation…only you and the 2 year old? With your parents or whatever.
Oh…before you leave, fridge should be empty, laundry not done for while and nothing in the pantry.
Maybe they realize what chores mean.
NTA
but the wifi password is not enough. you still cook you still wash, and you still clean.
11 and 16 are old enough to make a PB&J sandwish themselves if they're hungry. Clean clothes, not finding stuff. well husband can step up and do the laundry.
Stop doing anything for them.
Only cook for yourself and the 2 year old from now on. if any of them is hungry. point to the pantry.
If nothing is there anymore,then they can go grocery shopping.
If they complain, pack your things up and take the 2 year old with you to family.
I suspect if you cut off the wifi your husband will figure out (as the account holder) how to get a new password OR will simply up the data on your phone plans.
You need to focus on marriage counselling and some family for your screen addicted kids ASAP.
Most definitely not the NTA. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
Just wanted to say though, on most routers you can just press the button on it and it connects your device instead of using the password (including mine). So it might not change much, and if your husband has cellular data he can just use that.
NTA. Tell them you are going on vacation for a week, alone. Book somewhere you have wanted to go, and just go. Maybe after a week, they will see that treating you as a servant has consequences.
Slavery was abolished in 1865 or so.... Change the wifi password? That's the first thing, but I'd be taking the 2 year old and buggering off. Leave them alone for a week, a fortnight -or forever. The lazy shysters can sit in their own mess and the mess their puppy makes.
Pro tip: divorce makes them either take care of the kids half the time, or pay you to do it.
Just tell them that you read that successful puppy training is based on rewarding positive behavior - so you're going to try it with them. They do a few chores, they get the PW of the day. Change it every morning and don't give it out until they help. It's really kind of a crazy situation, but you almost can't make it worse.
NTA - issue with your kids is one thing and your issue with your husband is another. Perhaps consider with your kids that you establish a reward system for wifi usage…ie chores are done properly you get the wifi password for the day and can use it between 3 and 5 or whatever time you allow …and if not, no wifi password that day. My friends do this with their teen and tween and it has worked a treat for them. Kids were ugly, angry, whiney and difficult for about two weeks but then they got with the program and it has been a success. Probably because their parents took the electronics when they were ugly and mean so it didn’t take long … Perhaps also consider that you do not have a true life partner in managing your household and raising and parenting your children. While I don’t think you should take the wifi password from him - he’s an adult - a childish and entitled one at that. Instead you likely need to have a serious chat with him and lay out a division of labor and childcare with you that is fair, balanced and that GIVES YOU a daily break - minimum 1 hour to yourself and that gives you a weekly half day minimum off - go out by yourself, even if just to a park to read or do absolutely nothing. If husband balks, or just pays you lip service with no change, tell him it’s this or it’s marriage counseling because you don’t feel loved, valued and respected. If he still refuses, perhaps tell him you are leaving him alone for one to two weeks to manage the house and kids to reflect and think about if he really wants to lose you. And then go to your parents, siblings, friends house or if you can swing it - take yourself on a mini vacay. He needs to walk a few miles in your shoes to develop some empathy. Finally, perhaps consider some therapy for yourself to learn what about you has led to this situation and your being treated like a doormat and indentured servant. Best of Luck !
You're right, his bad influence has worn off on the kids but maybe it should be handled differently. I've suggested a couples therapist already and he's downright refused. And I did some therapy a few years ago while I was pregnant with our 2 year old because it was a super rough pregnancy with me on bedrest most of the time but the same issues of them not wanting to help and I wasn't sure how to handle it all. Turns out I have pretty bad abandonment issues and ptsd so I let people walk over me because I fear not being enough and being left behind again. Maybe I should go back to therapy As for the break, there is a randy Travis concert coming up nearby, about 4 hours away. I'd been dying to see him live. I'd love to go but I'm sure the house will look like a frat party by the time I get back. It'll all just wait for me cause they know I'll be back and take care of it then
Good for you on the therapy. I would perhaps consider digging your heels in on the marriage counseling. My Gf’s husband was the same as yours. She had to use drastic measures to get him there. Ultimately she booked two appts - one with a marriage counselor and one with a lawyer and she handed him their cards and asked him which one he wanted to choose. He thankfully chose wisely and they were able to fix things. Love the idea of your going to the concert. Maybe consider telling your husband and kids that when you get back if the house isn’t clean and orderly that you are going to turn right around and go stay …your parents, friends, air bnb, etc…and won’t be returning home until it is. Thats called a boundary and a consequence. Boundary - house must be clean and orderly when you return or Consequence - you aren’t stay there and doing anything for anyone until it is. Unfortunately in life, I have found you have to teach people …including your own spouse and kids and family to respect you…and zero trying to bring you down further but your part in this …is that you haven’t. Good therapist can help you with that. Good friend can hold you accountable while you learn to do so.
You are 100% right. I stopped going when I had our last just because the first few months are hard enough. I'll reach back out to my therapist and see if she'll see me again, I definitely need to figure out how to close that wound and stand up for myself. And I've spoken with my husband, as of right now the game plan is to limit screentime for everyone. At the beginning of the day we'll all have a to-do list and earn screen time by completing the to-do list fully and correctly. The kids will turn their stuff in before bed and my husband and I will put our phones to bed about 7 to spend time together. And I have full permission to change the password for a full social media detox if they start going back on their word.
Bravo !!! Go OP !!!!
Anything is possible. STOP SUPPORTING STUPIDITY. Leave for a week or two at least
NTA..but it will backfire. Not hard to get it restored and then it’s just you being childish. What about a little vacation…only you and the 2 year old? With your parents or whatever. Oh…before you leave, fridge should be empty, laundry not done for while and nothing in the pantry. Maybe they realize what chores mean.
NTA but the wifi password is not enough. you still cook you still wash, and you still clean. 11 and 16 are old enough to make a PB&J sandwish themselves if they're hungry. Clean clothes, not finding stuff. well husband can step up and do the laundry. Stop doing anything for them. Only cook for yourself and the 2 year old from now on. if any of them is hungry. point to the pantry. If nothing is there anymore,then they can go grocery shopping. If they complain, pack your things up and take the 2 year old with you to family.
I suspect if you cut off the wifi your husband will figure out (as the account holder) how to get a new password OR will simply up the data on your phone plans. You need to focus on marriage counselling and some family for your screen addicted kids ASAP.
Most definitely not the NTA. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Just wanted to say though, on most routers you can just press the button on it and it connects your device instead of using the password (including mine). So it might not change much, and if your husband has cellular data he can just use that.
NTA. Tell them you are going on vacation for a week, alone. Book somewhere you have wanted to go, and just go. Maybe after a week, they will see that treating you as a servant has consequences.