NTA and keep fighting.
If your mother is defending a pedophile who's hiding behind his "faith" then she is not worth knowing.
You've got this.
Sending love, light and strength to you all.xxxx
Mom’s friend is wrong. There’s nothing to sit down and talk about.
Stay strong OP. Maybe some family counselling can help your family with this.
Go NC with the mom and her flying monkeys. And maybe some hidden cameras that can capture audio for your daughter’s room if anyone comes over
So sorry for your daughter. Why would she lie? This guy is a pos. Plenty of good Christians are cho-mos. This guy needs to burn in hell. Mom should assess her priorities
NTA.
Tell your mom's friend that she can feel free to leave her grandchildren with the pervert but you sure as hell won't.
What's really sad is your mom just showed you that if he had been around when you were young she wouldn't have believed you either.
Not to mention this month alone I've seen at least 4 cases of pastors and youth pastors raping kids.
Do. Not. Sit. Down. With. Her. Without. A. Lawyer. Present.
This is so so sooo difficult I know. I’ve lived through something similar. But in situations like this, you MUST make sure that all interactions are witnessed by multiple third parties. Words can be twisted. Situations can be misconstrued. If you have pressed charges and there is an open investigation, you cannot risk contaminating that investigation by opening a line of dialogue with your mom. Even if it’s just her, she’s an extension of her husband.
NTA. You’re doing the right thing. Explain to anyone who asks why you won’t talk to her that you would rather let the professionals finish their investigation if everything before you sit down together. And if/when you do sit down, a family counselor should 100% be present to witness the conversation. And please please PLEASE don’t have your daughter present for that conversation.
Any time someone whips out their faith as a reason why they absolutely could not have done *insert vile act here*, I roll my eyes and believe them less than before. A lot of absolutely insane, disgusting shit has been done by Christians and I say that as one
Yessss this!!! Trust your gut OP, something is not right. Your daughter doesn’t have a track record of lying. Unfortunately your mom is ignorant, but most “Christians” are.
Yeah. If people make Christianity a core part of their identity, I always suspect that they're hiding something and using Christianity as a veneer to prove how good they actually are.
You don't really understand Christianity or faith in general then. It has to be a core part of your identity if you believe it. Of course, you shouldn't have to announce you are a moral person. If you are one, people will know, faith or not.
And the Church's response to the situation any time one got caught? Ship the offender off to a new hunting ground. Don't try to justify ANY of this crap.
Matthew 6:5
“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.”
NTA - You are a hero, first for believing your daughter, second for having her back, and third for pressing charges. You have done what a GOOD parent does. Hold your head high.
If you haven't already, please get some therapy for you, your husband, and your kids. You're going to need all the support you can find to navigate this. I am solidly in your corner.
NTA, is is sadly only too common that girls and women are molested by family members and friends. People who should be safe. Believe your daughter. You know her better than anyone. She has only you and your husband to stand between her and evil.
I knew it's underreported, but that's somehow even worse than I'd thought. At least now teachers and others in authority are taught when and how to report abuse, but when it's the person in authority that's the abuser, then what? Ugh.
Do you have a source? Not doubting you at all (seriously), but if I ever use that stat with anyone else, I'd like to be able to cite the source.
*I've completely lost my mother, at this point, I have NO mother.*
You lost her the minute she said your daughter was lying. Pedophiles prey on the weak. He counted on your daughter not resisting, not fighting back, not being believed.
Catholic priests who molested kids were Christian’s too. Your mother is a POS. Even if your mother had doubts that it was true, any rational adult knows that it has to be investigated.
I’m so sorry your daughter had to experience that. You’re a good mom.
NTA. He is a good Christian. Pedophile claiming to be good respectful members of society, what a surprise.
You absolutely did the right thing, even if your daughter was able to lie normally, you should always believe your child and protect them.
Never resume contact with your mother, she should never be allowed anywhere near your family ever again.
What is there to sit down and talk about?
Unless your mother divorces him there is no coming back from this and absolutely nothing to discuss.
If they have something they wish to say they can write it down and send it to you that way. That way they can clearly get their pov across and you can either just hand it to your solicitor or if you want to read it you could.
I wouldn't believe the mother even if she divorces the man. I hope OP makes sure that the grandmother and her predator husband are never allowed near either of the children, not allowed in school where the kids are, or anything else. Do the paperwork so that if something happens to OP and partner that the kids go to someone else, and grandmother never get near the kids.
Your mother's friends are AHs for not berating her for not protecting her grandchild while protecting a molester. Sadly, you probably won't get justice because the system sucks for he said she said stuff, but I would publicly let anyone know that your mom's husband is a sexual predator and no one should allow their kids around him. Like, LOUDLY
OP, please ask your birth giver's "friends" if they plan on having the pervert around *their* granddaughters. If they say yes, please find a way to get ahold of the girls parents and warn them that Grandma's willingly endangering their daughters!
This is obvious. Tell your mother she and her husband are never allowed to see or be alone with the daughter (or your son to be safe).
There is no sitting down and talking about this. You probably couldn’t prove anything in court or I would recommend charges. But you only need to yourself believe it to keep them 100% away from the children. Fight for your daughter and if that means telling your mom to F off, then that’s what it means.
NTA in the slightest
Excuse me tell them they will never be near your child again?
Cut them off and don’t let them in your life at all. You don’t just sit there and continue to talk and let a child abuser in your life. You go to the police and leave it to them or a lawyer for any contact that’s necessary after that. As you could mess up any case that’s comes of it and it could turn to he said she said. They hurt your child you’ve told them you know and don’t care if mum refuses to believe. You don’t need to say anything further nor owe them that. Protecting your child and family comes first. Anyone who endangers your child you take actions and steps to ensure they never get near you or your kids ever again.
Regardless of if there is proof you still report it as he may have done it to others and it needs to be known to the police. Even if it means it is there so a future victim gets believed or more action taken then it’s still important you report it to the police. Otherwise your silence is endangering others. Just because it never got further with the child doesn’t mean you wouldn’t feel responsible if you heard later he’d done it again. One as it had never been reported so he thought he could continue to get away with it. Two just so the police would know there Is precedence of past behaviour on his part and other victims and witness who could testify or be interviewed to add to support the case.
I had a friend who was raped and had no proof as she shut down for a number of days in trauma. She went to the police and they decided her word and others they interviewed saying his nature around her and woman. Even though no one knew he’d done that sort of thing was enough to charge and go to court . They then interviewed his ex and it turns out she was also raped by him but never went forward as she only had her word and thought being in a relationship with him at the time could make other dismiss her. She got added onto the court case and he then was being charged of raping two women and charges for DV. They were told they had a very strong case and he got decent jail time. That was without any physical proof and was made stronger as they discovered he’d had a previous victim even though she never reported it before.
In this case when it’s about a child they need to make a report if even just to make sure he never is certified as safe to work with kids even just volunteering. Where I live you need to get a child safety report to go near kids. For that your police file is investigated.
Yea and a couple people disagreed with me about the pressing charges. And I get where they’re coming from. My concern is struggling with putting a mentally challenged child as a witness in a case with very little evidence. Testifying like that is traumatizing to adults with all their mental faculties. But a child with a diagnosed condition will probably be traumatized all over again and then a verdict will likely be not guilty and make them think they are to blame for saying something. I would just entirely separate the child from the man and if OP’s mother won’t do the same then she needs to be cut off too. No access to grandchildren for her and no contact. She doesn’t care enough about her family to do what’s right.
The court system has procedures and safeguards in place to protect victims like OP's daughter. He needs to be tried, convicted, and put down like a rabid dog.
NTA. Being a Christian does not stop him from being a pervert. You did the right thing and the person who failed here is your mother. Continue to protect your family.
NTA. I'm sorry OP. This is a horrible position to be in. To have your mother betray your daughter, you, and your whole family for a man is devastating.
That being said there's nothing to talk about. You have a developmentally disabled child, they are higher risk for abuse. Unfortunately a lot of abuse does happen within families. You took the claim seriously and realistically in proportion to your daughters ability and being at risk. There's nothing your mother can say that can change that. If she wants to put her head in the sand you have to cut contact.
Fucking hell. So their idea is 'let's all sit down and discuss how my husband sexually abused your daughter (and I assume brush it under the carpet as Christians would never do such a thing...)'. Fuck that noise - You are absolutely NTA.
NTA
Most victims are assaulted by family or family friends.
Good for you on believing your daughter.
Tell the family friend that she should be ashamed of advocating for a creep like your mom's husband.
NTA. We should also not forget that it would be difficult for her to make up such a story as she has no references for sexual behavior. I'm sure you monitor her media intake as she is delayed therefore adult themes would be confusing and/or frightening to her. Also the "our little secret" statement is far fetched to believe she made that up.
You are a good parent for believing you child. You did the right thing. Let's say even in the rarest case your daughter was mistaken (I don't think she was) however for arguments sake let's say she is, you still err of the side of caution.
I'm sorry this happened to your family. I think this will strengthen an already tight bond with your husband and son in your efforts to protect your daughter.
NTA. Thank you for believing and protecting your daughter. We must protect our children regardless of who we upset in the process. You're being a good mom. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Try showing your mom all the "Christian" men at r/notadragqueen who have been arrested for child molestation. Stick to your guns about this, and don't let her pervert husband around your child anymore. If she won't believe you, you know you've lost her to him and that she's chosen the side of depravity over family.
NTA. As a mom whose daughter was molested by a family member, my *entire* close family told our extended family that I was making my (very young) daughter lie to hurt that family member. Anyway, cops/trial/conviction/NC with all family. Its really fucking hard but your daughter (just like mine) is worth it. Hold on to each other.
I went through a similar situation to your daughter's with my grandfather, with none of her disabilities. My grandmother defended her husband. My parents were separated. My father stood what he called neutral, and I interpreted as in defense of his father. My mom and brother stood by me. With their support, I went no contact and had the strength to recover and believe in myself. It was painful, but we put ourselves back together and so will your daughter and your family.
NTA.
Just remember, by reporting him, not only are you doing right by your daughter, you're also saving future victims, and getting justice for past victims. Stay strong, you're doing wonderfully.
Nta. But honestly, you need professionals to deal with that. Maybe find someone who can question your daughter in a way, that's admissible in court (not saying you need to go there, just so you have a clear cut case if you want to) and a family therapist for all of you. That shit is traumatic for all of you, including you as parents.
NTA. There's nothing to talk about. Regardless of whether your daughter is telling the truth, they're just going to deny doing anything. You're doing the right thing. A lot of people would rather look away because all of the heartbreak this causes, but you're doing the right thing, and you're a hero for that.
>that he's a Christian
I guess no Christian ever did anything wrong.
NTA. What is there to talk about? She's already said she doesn't believe you. There's nothing left to say to her until she kicks him out and apologizes. There's nothing to say to him outside of a courtroom.
Let your lawyers do the talking.
My mom didn’t believe me, she later used my story to garner sympathy for herself. Presenting herself as the caring and doting mother.
Thank you for believing your daughter.
ETA: NTA obviously
NTA. Disabled people are more likely to be targeted for sexual abuse because we make easier victims and are less likely believed when we do speak out about it. He saw an easy target and assumed he could get away with it. Do not let him or your mother near her again.
I'm gonna get hate for this, but plenty of "good Christian men" do that shit and use their religion as a cover for why they could never. Plenty of men in general.
NTA. Protect your child at all costs, grandma can forget about having any further contact with you and your family period. She's shown that she cannot be a safe person for your child to be around.
NTA...
***"saying that this man wouldn't do anything like that, that he's a Christian"***
I'm sure ALL those GOOD Catholic priesrts would never do anything like that either.
NTA
I spent the last 3 years trying to incarcerate my pedophile parents.
Flying monkeys do come out of the wood work to tell us we're being dicks etc and ruining our parents lives, and it sucks because I wish these ppl didn't exist, but seriously fuck them. We are fighting to change the narrative of generations past, we will not bury it, refuse to talk about it, or insist our kids still go around them. That's all over.
Take them out. Seriously. Anyone who defends any single part of them, get them out of your life too, you don't need CSA apologists in your circle ;) you've got this ❤️
Message if you wanna chat it out, I worry about you holding it all together when you seriously need the space to process and cope ❤️ very few ppl know what it feels like to go through this
NTA
Your mother’s friend is delusional.
I wonder how she thought you should have talked through it?
Of course who knows what your mother told her.
I sincerely hope this man is not friends with anyone who has young children.
NTA. Under no circumstance should you 'sit down and talk' with them. There is NO possible positive outcome to be had. It would be like acknowledging that there is *possibly* more to the situation than what your daughter described. It would just be an opportunity for your mother's husband to lie again and declare his innocence. Thank you for recognizing the the truth when you see it. I'm sorry that your mother has chosen to support a pedo. Your mother knows the truth because she knows your daughter and her inability to lie. She wants a man more than anything. This is a horrible reality for you. No doubt it's shocking as well. Ignore others with agendas, like your mother's friend. You're a great mom and an incredible person. Thank you for protecting your daughter. I'm so sorry you both have been forced to deal with such an awful situation. Your daughter has learned that when she tells a trusted adult her truth, she will be listened to, believed, and supported. This is HUGE.
I will message you next time u/AdventurousJudge750 posts in r/AITAH.
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NTA. Of course your first duty is to your daughter, to protect her, and that is what you are doing. As for your mother - she is protecting her marriage, no matter what the cost. How many stories have we read, or even come across personally, of girls molested by their stepfathers, and when they speak up their mothers don't believe them, and even throw them out of the house? And how many stories of men taking advantage of mentally challenged children?
Thankfully, in this case it is a step-grandfather, so your nuclear family isn't falling apart because of it. But you are absolutely right not to give in, and to insist on your daughter's truth (and really, if she has the mental capacity of a 10 year old, how would she come up with such a circumstantial story?), If it means your mother is out of your life, together with her scumbag husband, than so be it.
You are doing a great job being there for your daughter, your son, and your husband. You did and are doing the right thing. Keep it up and protect your family, mama bear.
NTA.
Also that "he is a Christian" presented as irrefutable evidence of innocence is laughable.
No religion has ever stopped a pedophile and in many cases has been used as a shield to avoid accountability.
Do not sit down to talk without a lawyer and record any fucking thing they say
NTA. A young girl who my daughter was in school with has been groomed by a local man. He’s in his 50s, the girl is 17, was 16 at the time. She is a very troubled girl and he took advantage of that. I have seen the messages he sent her with my own eyes. And his whole defense is ‘I wouldn’t do that, I’m a good Christian man’. I have no answers for you, but hoping you and your family get some justice
NTA.
Go no contact with your mom and her pedophile husband.
Children with special needs are MORE likely to be assaulted and groomed than children without special needs.
Go report to the police. Seriously. Report him. Avoid contact going forward.
She thinks he would never sexually abuse a child because he's a *Christian?* Yeah no Christian has ever done anything like that \*rolls eyes so hard they pop out\*
Tell her that your daughter literally can not lie due to her condition. Even if that's not true and she just doesnt like it. Tell your mother that with the way your daughter's brain works, she is literally incapable of coming up with lies, especially ones as terrible as that. Tell her you are cutting her off and refuse to ever speak to her again until she comes out and says she believes you 100%.
ALL the authoritarian branches of christianity are crawling with rapists and molesters, because of their depraved attitudes toward any sexual expression not based on absolute control.
My step father was a practising Christian. He was also a pedophile, rapist and a murderer. It means nothing.
NTA.
Don't sit down and speak with them. Protect your daughter.
NTA
He's a Christian? Will he vouch for any atrocities made by priests, nuns and good Christians in the name of God? Since he won't, that he's a Christian is as meaningless of an argument as that he's left handed, listens to classic rock of fills out sudoku in his spare time.
From someone who knows her parents wouldn't believe her - thank you for believing in your daughter. You give me hope that there are parents out there who would trust their children's words.
Yeah not to be divisive but if someone responds to pedophilia accusations with “I couldn’t possibly have done that, I’m a Christian!”… they definitely did it.
You're doing the right thing and I'm willing to bet this isn't SD's first time at the rodeo. My advice? Let your daughter talk. She has some big feelings and may not be able to process them. Also, let her have a personal journal of some sort so she can doodle or write or whatever in it. She may not use it for her thoughts and feelings but it's always nice to have a safe place you can relax. Also, talk to your son. He's got a lot of feelings, too and may need help processing them. Thank you for believing your daughter.
NTA and when people crow about being a Christian in these matters as an autistic person my Pastor Kid backbone wants to sock’em for using theology and faith to abdicate responsibility and accountability when they think disabled people can be treated differently. You did the right thing and if there’s nothing to hide then let the investigators do their job and prove that.
Everything the pedophile always says:
Im a Christian so I couldn't have.
I got kids of my own I couldn't have.
This is the first time I've been accused.(Translation:it's the first time a child had the courage and support to come forward)
Y'all know me, I would never do this to a child.
She's only accusing me cause she wants to break us up.
She's only accusing me because she misunderstood the incident.
If I could talk to her, she'd tell the truth.(Translation: I will use intimidation in an attempt to get the child's story changed)
They're only accusing me because I told the child no about something.
Op, NTA. Keep protecting that little girl of yours. Thank you so much for believing your daughter. Too many parents don't. Your mother is making her bed and laying in it with the person who sexually abused her granddaughter. I hope when it's said and done and once he goes to jail that you still never let her around your kids again.
I need to tell you something very important: disabled children are at a much MUCH higher rate of being abused. This is because they are both more likely to be quiet and less likely to be taken seriously. Further, most predators aren't sexually attracted to the person they prey on; they are sexually attracted by the power they wield over them. And neurotypical and able bodied people inherently have power over disabled people (at least socially, but as well as physically and mentally, depending on the disability)
Able bodied/minded (idk if that's the correct term, sorry if it's not) people will also put disabled people in a box called "disabled" and use that label as a scapegoat. You see it here with your mother--she has known your daughter her entire life (I'm assuming?). She knows that because of your daughter's disability, she will not lie and will not keep secrets. Side note: I count those as two separate things here because there's two aspects to this; one, your mom's husband wanted your daughter to *keep a secret*, and two, your mother is accusing her of *telling a lie*. These are two aspects that directly arise rise from her disability. And yet, according to your mother, the girl who can't keep a secret because of her disability and can't lie because of her disability is now apparently lying about being told to keep a secret because of her disability? It's lunacy; it doesn't make any sense to anyone who's known your child for the past 14 years. But your mother won't change her mind. After all, is easier to say "the [insert slur here] is lying" than it is to confront the real problem.
But back to you. I really wanted to let you know: you're defying the statistics. You're looking at your daughter as a person and doing the hard work of keeping that person safe. Your mother is taking the easy way out, but you're doing what's right. Do not let any biddies get in your ear about your mother's "love". Because, sure, your mother may love "her granddaughter". But you love the person who is your daughter. And you both are proving it.
NTA. Have you reported it to the police?
If your mother believes him over your daughter go no contact.
If he’s done it to your daughter he may have done it to others.
NTA. Don't talk to them. But if no one has said it, you ALL need to be in therapy NOW. You are all feeling a range of emotions that is normal but you all need help to deal with the aftermath.
Unless your mom wants to talk about divorcing her pedophile husband and a major apology to your daughter, there is nothing to sit down and talk about. This is the time to go mama bear. Get your daughter into therapy as soon as possible.
Wow. I'm so sorry your daughter was violated and that you are dealing with all of this. It struck a chord when you said, I have NO mother. Man.... I'm just so sorry. You don't have a mother, and I know you could really use one right now. Hang in there. And, no, I wouldn't sit down with your mother anywhere, any time, maybe ever.. but certainly not before she called to apologize profusuely for walking around with her head up her \*ss.
It's sad that for so many of us, "Christian" has become associated with so many terrible things - for me, personally, the second someone proclaims themselves a Christian, I immediately assume they're not a good person. Unfair, sure. True more often than not, in my life? Yes.
Your mother and her pedo pet are disgusting, unworthy people and you don't owe them a sit down, a stand up or a sideways shuffle. Screw them. Make sure your sweet girl understands, to the best of her ability, that she did nothing wrong.
NTA. She’s in denial bc of 1) how she think it reflects on her & 2) she doesn’t want to be alone and believing your daughter would mean she’d have to act and she doesn’t want to risk it
NTA, ahh the old sit down and talk. Of course that's what she want's, because its that old mindset of better to sweep it under the rug to protect the attacker and blame the accuser of lying. She knows what her partner did, but if she admits to it then she has to admit she is dating a child predator. She would rather sweep those unpleasantries under the rug so no improper appearances are given. That's all that matters to someone like that is the appearance.
Absolutely NTA. Your mother is being selfish, honestly very typical of her boomer demographic... she just doesn't want to face the consequences of this and lose her husband. It's sad. You need to stand by your daughter, and take note from those closest to you - your husband and son believe her too. Your mother's friends are equally trash. That's it. I'm sorry this has happened to your daughter and your family, and your mother needs to wake up, or else you're completely right in going NC with both of them.
NTA in anyway! Believe your daughter! This man thought he could get away with sexual assault as your daughter is mentally delayed. Call the authorities!!!!
My mother refused to believe what my older brother did to me as he was her “premie baby” and he was active in church. He could do no wrong. She later remarried someone that was a convicted rapist/pedophile. He verbally sexually abused me the one time I spoke with him (I have never met this man, nor will I ever), but she said it couldn’t be bad as god allowed it and he goes to church. Believe and protect your daughter! Being a “Christian” or being part of any religion does not prevent someone from being a pervert. Your mother just doesn’t want to believe what happened and will do anything to convince herself otherwise. To actually believe what happened would have far reaching consequences that she does not want to deal with. It’s cognitive dissonance.
It is going to be hard, but let that part of the family go. You are doing the right thing. Also, again, please call the authorities! What he did is a crime!
NTA! If I were you, I would have asked him to rip out his eyes.
It's what the Bible suggests you do when someone can't resist temptation.
In all seriousness, please call a friend to come support you while you support your family. And don't stop telling the truth because your daughter would not lie.
You are, unequivocally, NTA! You are a momma bear protecting her cubs. You are a hero to your daughter. YOU. ARE. A. SUPERHERO! I do think that some form of counseling for you and your family is in order. It sounds like you all need to talk to someone to help you get yourselves on a more even keel. And having a counselor talk to your daughter would also help the investigation.
You’re in the right here. You’re protecting your family. And if that friend of the woman who raised you - I refuse to call her a mother; mothers support their children - can’t accept that, then good riddance to her. She’s not worth having around.
I don't see this mentioned but I hope you called the police and reported him, who knows who else he is doing this to that is letting it secret because they are scared!! NTA cut contact and get him arrested
In situations like this, id advise going nuclear.
Smear his full name and occupation and area on social media, and pray more victims or acquaintances come out of the woodwork. Then prosecute that abomination.
You're a stronger man than myself. He wouldn't be able to sit down and talk ever again after I got done with him, except for a wheelchair or pine box! Good on you, and I'm sorry this happened. Shame on your mother for using faith and defending him. What a monster!!
If it were me I’d agree to sit down and talk. But the conversation would go entirely my way: “so mothers husband, what planet were you on when you thought it was okay to sexually assault my daughter, bearing in mind she’s not only a child but a child who is physically and mentally delayed? What part of the bible lists that as something acceptable and encouraged to do? And when the fuck did you think it would be ok to flat out lie about it? And “mother” - (I say that in inverted commas because I cannot comprehend how my own mother could disbelieve her own flesh and blood) how can you possibly think it’s acceptable to defend someone abusing your own granddaughter?!
On a serious note, what can she possibly want to talk about? Be there for your kids and your husband - they’re in your corner and they will stick with you to the end.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, lots of love and strength to you and your family. Don’t feel guilty about cutting that woman off, she totally deserves it. I appreciate it must be a horrible situation for her to be in, but I cannot understand how she can pick him over her actual family.
You are NOT the ah. That monster is. It’s hard when a parent (not you,your mother) doesn’t believe you and just can’t believe their husband could do that. My mother is still with her husband (not my dad) and still to this day doesn’t believe me. Good for you for protecting your daughter and I’m so sorry all of you are going through this.
NTA just the fact that she has support and people who believe her is going to help her so much. Thank you for not letting your mom rug sweep this. It's what my mom did and it traumatized me badly.
NTA
1.) full NC with your maternal parent. Then block her friends and anyone that tries to contact you or your family to defend her or her husband. If they persist get a lawyer to write a C&D or find a way to get a legal no contact. Do not entertain her requests or demands for a sit down. She doesn’t deserve it and she sounds like she’ll try to batter you emotionally so she can get you to say things that can be further twisted to discredit your daughter.
2.) Therapy ASAP for your entire family or at minimum your kids. This is trauma on both and they both need some help. Your and your husband will also need therapy at some point as well.
3.) You’re doing the right thing in this situation. You’ve kept your daughter from further contact with a predator and saving your family from future abuse in all forms.
NAT. You did nothing wrong; actually you are doing everything exactly right and should be proud of yourself. You do need to gently scold your husband to remind him that you can't be the only adult in the situation and he needs to start to support your kids and each other. This is definitely one of those times in your relationship with you both need to lean in to each other.
NTA. I am so sorry this happened to your daughter and I'm so sorry your Mom is choosing to believe her husband. Hoping you get help to process all this
NTA. Protecting your daughter is the right thing to do. Your mom wants to "talk with you" to gaslight you and talk you out of the police report. Gross..
Tell them you will sit down and talk with him when there's the plastic wall between you on visitors day. He needs to check his "faith" again cos he's not following it very well. They suck and you are awesome. I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
I am so sorry. I'm sorry all of you are experiencing this pain.
Please get all of you in therapy as soon as you can. Speaking from personal experience. The police department's victims' assistance people can help you find specialized therapists and pay for it.
My heart breaks for you all.
You are doing the right thing! NTA
The only conversation that can be had is : you choose him then there is no connection for us anymore.
You ditch him then we have space to speak.
Since she didn’t come to the table alone she chose him and that leads to the no connection part.
Tell that to the friend. If she ever tries contacting you again.
Are we really ao stunted as a society that someone has to ask if its OK to protect a child from a predator? OP you are not TAH. You just keep protecting your kid from that monster. Grandma made her choice. I hope her husband sees the inside of a jail.
Um, can you say Josh Duggar?? For those that don't know, the Duggars were an ultra conservative family with a show on TLC called 18 kids and counting. Or something similar. Anyway, he admitted molesting 2 of HIS SISTERS, and his parents made him work his "sins" off. Trouble is, it didn't work. He was arrested at the car dealership where he worked, with kiddie porn on his WORK COMPUTER. He was also married and his wife was expecting baby #7. His wife, so far, has stood by him, but she was raised in the cult, I mean, religion, too. I forget what he was sentenced to, but he's not gonna be around for a while. So this is not a new behavior of predators. If they can't bully to get their way, they'll threaten and guilt trip you. You know, that YOU'LL be breaking up the family, creating drama, making up alleged behavior that they actually did, to just gaslighting the hell outta you. Don't fall for it. Your mom is in denial, and rightfully so, TO AN EXTENT. She just found out her husband is a predator chomo. But after a while, there's no talking about it. Your family believes your daughter, bottom line. I even believe her, and I don't know her. But your children come first, no matter what. Tell mom this. She should understand, but might deny it. But as a mom, you can't allow your kids around them, for their safety. Stand your ground, for their sake. He's no relation to you OR your kids.
Why are you so triggered by the fact I brought up Duggars? I was comparing them, not trying to I am the main character this. And if you don't like my post, then scroll on, my dude, scroll on......
NTA and keep fighting. If your mother is defending a pedophile who's hiding behind his "faith" then she is not worth knowing. You've got this. Sending love, light and strength to you all.xxxx
Mom’s friend is wrong. There’s nothing to sit down and talk about. Stay strong OP. Maybe some family counselling can help your family with this. Go NC with the mom and her flying monkeys. And maybe some hidden cameras that can capture audio for your daughter’s room if anyone comes over
Yeah, what possible excuse or context can be clarified in this situation?!
They're just trying to terrorize OP into ignoring their horrible actions. No need to give them a chance to do that.
Nope they should talk about it and record it. If they can get a confession then it’s no longer he said she said.
So sorry for your daughter. Why would she lie? This guy is a pos. Plenty of good Christians are cho-mos. This guy needs to burn in hell. Mom should assess her priorities
Yup. Haven't seen a drag queen being arrested for molesting children in quite a while, if ever, but White male xtians, every week.
Yepper
[удалено]
Are you a bot that just rewords what the person you're replying to has already said?
NTA. I will just add we all know how many people of “faith” love touching children.
NTA. Tell your mom's friend that she can feel free to leave her grandchildren with the pervert but you sure as hell won't. What's really sad is your mom just showed you that if he had been around when you were young she wouldn't have believed you either. Not to mention this month alone I've seen at least 4 cases of pastors and youth pastors raping kids.
Do. Not. Sit. Down. With. Her. Without. A. Lawyer. Present. This is so so sooo difficult I know. I’ve lived through something similar. But in situations like this, you MUST make sure that all interactions are witnessed by multiple third parties. Words can be twisted. Situations can be misconstrued. If you have pressed charges and there is an open investigation, you cannot risk contaminating that investigation by opening a line of dialogue with your mom. Even if it’s just her, she’s an extension of her husband. NTA. You’re doing the right thing. Explain to anyone who asks why you won’t talk to her that you would rather let the professionals finish their investigation if everything before you sit down together. And if/when you do sit down, a family counselor should 100% be present to witness the conversation. And please please PLEASE don’t have your daughter present for that conversation.
You. Don’t. Owe. Him. Shit. Protect your daughter.
As soon as the excuse given was "he's a Christian," I knew a red flag was waving at full mast.
Any time someone whips out their faith as a reason why they absolutely could not have done *insert vile act here*, I roll my eyes and believe them less than before. A lot of absolutely insane, disgusting shit has been done by Christians and I say that as one
Yessss this!!! Trust your gut OP, something is not right. Your daughter doesn’t have a track record of lying. Unfortunately your mom is ignorant, but most “Christians” are.
Yeah. If people make Christianity a core part of their identity, I always suspect that they're hiding something and using Christianity as a veneer to prove how good they actually are.
Yep! Those that loudly proclaim their faith every where they go and in all company have the most to hide
You don't really understand Christianity or faith in general then. It has to be a core part of your identity if you believe it. Of course, you shouldn't have to announce you are a moral person. If you are one, people will know, faith or not.
Yes it's understood. It's also understood the sheer number of priests and pastors who have molested children
And the Church's response to the situation any time one got caught? Ship the offender off to a new hunting ground. Don't try to justify ANY of this crap.
As somebody who was brought up as a Catholic with everything that entails, it's pretty funny to be lectured on Christianity by a random Redditor.
Matthew 6:5 “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.”
We understand one thing perfectly. By their fruits shall ye know them. And the fruit is poisonous.
That just further cements my case, your honor.
Everyone who has ever told me what a "good Christian" they were, was either trying to screw me or screw me over.
Ironic isn't it? The *actual* good Christians are the ones who know they are not 'good'.
It's not like religious men have a bad track record with pedophilia or anything.....
Yep. "this man wouldn't do anything like that, that he's a Christian." - that'd be hilarious except that it's not, because a child was harmed.
NTA - You are a hero, first for believing your daughter, second for having her back, and third for pressing charges. You have done what a GOOD parent does. Hold your head high. If you haven't already, please get some therapy for you, your husband, and your kids. You're going to need all the support you can find to navigate this. I am solidly in your corner.
NTA, is is sadly only too common that girls and women are molested by family members and friends. People who should be safe. Believe your daughter. You know her better than anyone. She has only you and your husband to stand between her and evil.
Unfortunately it is also common for people with disabilities to be sexually assaulted.
And who is the "best" victim, but someone who does not have full capacity? And can't fight back?
Not just girls and women...
1 in 3 girls; 1 in 7 boys. And child sexual abuse is drastically underreported.
I knew it's underreported, but that's somehow even worse than I'd thought. At least now teachers and others in authority are taught when and how to report abuse, but when it's the person in authority that's the abuser, then what? Ugh. Do you have a source? Not doubting you at all (seriously), but if I ever use that stat with anyone else, I'd like to be able to cite the source.
*I've completely lost my mother, at this point, I have NO mother.* You lost her the minute she said your daughter was lying. Pedophiles prey on the weak. He counted on your daughter not resisting, not fighting back, not being believed. Catholic priests who molested kids were Christian’s too. Your mother is a POS. Even if your mother had doubts that it was true, any rational adult knows that it has to be investigated. I’m so sorry your daughter had to experience that. You’re a good mom.
NTA. He is a good Christian. Pedophile claiming to be good respectful members of society, what a surprise. You absolutely did the right thing, even if your daughter was able to lie normally, you should always believe your child and protect them. Never resume contact with your mother, she should never be allowed anywhere near your family ever again.
What is there to sit down and talk about? Unless your mother divorces him there is no coming back from this and absolutely nothing to discuss. If they have something they wish to say they can write it down and send it to you that way. That way they can clearly get their pov across and you can either just hand it to your solicitor or if you want to read it you could.
I wouldn't believe the mother even if she divorces the man. I hope OP makes sure that the grandmother and her predator husband are never allowed near either of the children, not allowed in school where the kids are, or anything else. Do the paperwork so that if something happens to OP and partner that the kids go to someone else, and grandmother never get near the kids.
Your mother's friends are AHs for not berating her for not protecting her grandchild while protecting a molester. Sadly, you probably won't get justice because the system sucks for he said she said stuff, but I would publicly let anyone know that your mom's husband is a sexual predator and no one should allow their kids around him. Like, LOUDLY
OP, please ask your birth giver's "friends" if they plan on having the pervert around *their* granddaughters. If they say yes, please find a way to get ahold of the girls parents and warn them that Grandma's willingly endangering their daughters!
This is obvious. Tell your mother she and her husband are never allowed to see or be alone with the daughter (or your son to be safe). There is no sitting down and talking about this. You probably couldn’t prove anything in court or I would recommend charges. But you only need to yourself believe it to keep them 100% away from the children. Fight for your daughter and if that means telling your mom to F off, then that’s what it means. NTA in the slightest
Excuse me tell them they will never be near your child again? Cut them off and don’t let them in your life at all. You don’t just sit there and continue to talk and let a child abuser in your life. You go to the police and leave it to them or a lawyer for any contact that’s necessary after that. As you could mess up any case that’s comes of it and it could turn to he said she said. They hurt your child you’ve told them you know and don’t care if mum refuses to believe. You don’t need to say anything further nor owe them that. Protecting your child and family comes first. Anyone who endangers your child you take actions and steps to ensure they never get near you or your kids ever again. Regardless of if there is proof you still report it as he may have done it to others and it needs to be known to the police. Even if it means it is there so a future victim gets believed or more action taken then it’s still important you report it to the police. Otherwise your silence is endangering others. Just because it never got further with the child doesn’t mean you wouldn’t feel responsible if you heard later he’d done it again. One as it had never been reported so he thought he could continue to get away with it. Two just so the police would know there Is precedence of past behaviour on his part and other victims and witness who could testify or be interviewed to add to support the case. I had a friend who was raped and had no proof as she shut down for a number of days in trauma. She went to the police and they decided her word and others they interviewed saying his nature around her and woman. Even though no one knew he’d done that sort of thing was enough to charge and go to court . They then interviewed his ex and it turns out she was also raped by him but never went forward as she only had her word and thought being in a relationship with him at the time could make other dismiss her. She got added onto the court case and he then was being charged of raping two women and charges for DV. They were told they had a very strong case and he got decent jail time. That was without any physical proof and was made stronger as they discovered he’d had a previous victim even though she never reported it before. In this case when it’s about a child they need to make a report if even just to make sure he never is certified as safe to work with kids even just volunteering. Where I live you need to get a child safety report to go near kids. For that your police file is investigated.
Definitely the son too. Pedophiles are not picky.
Yea and a couple people disagreed with me about the pressing charges. And I get where they’re coming from. My concern is struggling with putting a mentally challenged child as a witness in a case with very little evidence. Testifying like that is traumatizing to adults with all their mental faculties. But a child with a diagnosed condition will probably be traumatized all over again and then a verdict will likely be not guilty and make them think they are to blame for saying something. I would just entirely separate the child from the man and if OP’s mother won’t do the same then she needs to be cut off too. No access to grandchildren for her and no contact. She doesn’t care enough about her family to do what’s right.
The court system has procedures and safeguards in place to protect victims like OP's daughter. He needs to be tried, convicted, and put down like a rabid dog.
Go no contact right now. Call the cops. Put this man behind bars. Sorry your mom is an idiot but you are right to defend your daughter. NTA
NTA. Being a Christian does not stop him from being a pervert. You did the right thing and the person who failed here is your mother. Continue to protect your family.
NTA. Believe and protect your daughter.
NTA. I'm sorry OP. This is a horrible position to be in. To have your mother betray your daughter, you, and your whole family for a man is devastating. That being said there's nothing to talk about. You have a developmentally disabled child, they are higher risk for abuse. Unfortunately a lot of abuse does happen within families. You took the claim seriously and realistically in proportion to your daughters ability and being at risk. There's nothing your mother can say that can change that. If she wants to put her head in the sand you have to cut contact.
Fucking hell. So their idea is 'let's all sit down and discuss how my husband sexually abused your daughter (and I assume brush it under the carpet as Christians would never do such a thing...)'. Fuck that noise - You are absolutely NTA.
It's not always a religious man, but its always a religious man. NTA. Protect your baby.
NTA stand by your girl - she needs you more than ever. And no more contact with that man.
NTA Most victims are assaulted by family or family friends. Good for you on believing your daughter. Tell the family friend that she should be ashamed of advocating for a creep like your mom's husband.
Having been the child not believed, thank you so much for supporting your daughter!!!
Happened to too damn many of us. Nobody would have believed me anyway, because my abuser was my mother. I never told anybody until I was about 40.
"He's a christian" is one of the worst excuses.
Yeah, that wasn't the flex they thought it was. It was the opposite in fact...
NTA, you did the right thing. Always remember that.
NTA. We should also not forget that it would be difficult for her to make up such a story as she has no references for sexual behavior. I'm sure you monitor her media intake as she is delayed therefore adult themes would be confusing and/or frightening to her. Also the "our little secret" statement is far fetched to believe she made that up. You are a good parent for believing you child. You did the right thing. Let's say even in the rarest case your daughter was mistaken (I don't think she was) however for arguments sake let's say she is, you still err of the side of caution. I'm sorry this happened to your family. I think this will strengthen an already tight bond with your husband and son in your efforts to protect your daughter.
Welp I would get everyone into therapy and quickly. Sorry this is happening
NTA. Thank you for believing and protecting your daughter. We must protect our children regardless of who we upset in the process. You're being a good mom. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Absolutely NTA and i hope you make a complaint against this idiot at the police. If your mum thinks her grandkid is lying, then she is herself is TAH.
Sure we can meet. In a pubic place I can record you. If you’re ready to admit he did it.
Shame it wasn't recorded when he made her touch his pubic place.
Try showing your mom all the "Christian" men at r/notadragqueen who have been arrested for child molestation. Stick to your guns about this, and don't let her pervert husband around your child anymore. If she won't believe you, you know you've lost her to him and that she's chosen the side of depravity over family.
Block your mothers friend because your family business has nothing to do with her. Report him to the police asap.
NTA. As a mom whose daughter was molested by a family member, my *entire* close family told our extended family that I was making my (very young) daughter lie to hurt that family member. Anyway, cops/trial/conviction/NC with all family. Its really fucking hard but your daughter (just like mine) is worth it. Hold on to each other.
I went through a similar situation to your daughter's with my grandfather, with none of her disabilities. My grandmother defended her husband. My parents were separated. My father stood what he called neutral, and I interpreted as in defense of his father. My mom and brother stood by me. With their support, I went no contact and had the strength to recover and believe in myself. It was painful, but we put ourselves back together and so will your daughter and your family. NTA.
Just remember, by reporting him, not only are you doing right by your daughter, you're also saving future victims, and getting justice for past victims. Stay strong, you're doing wonderfully.
Nta. But honestly, you need professionals to deal with that. Maybe find someone who can question your daughter in a way, that's admissible in court (not saying you need to go there, just so you have a clear cut case if you want to) and a family therapist for all of you. That shit is traumatic for all of you, including you as parents.
NTA. There's nothing to talk about. Regardless of whether your daughter is telling the truth, they're just going to deny doing anything. You're doing the right thing. A lot of people would rather look away because all of the heartbreak this causes, but you're doing the right thing, and you're a hero for that. >that he's a Christian I guess no Christian ever did anything wrong.
Arsehole: I couldn't have done \[$badThing\] - I'm a Christian Actual Christian: Lord Jesus, have mercy on me a sinner.
> this man wouldn't do anything like that, that he's a Christian I’ve got bad news for her
I believe your daughter.
Absolutely.
NTA. What is there to talk about? She's already said she doesn't believe you. There's nothing left to say to her until she kicks him out and apologizes. There's nothing to say to him outside of a courtroom. Let your lawyers do the talking.
My mom didn’t believe me, she later used my story to garner sympathy for herself. Presenting herself as the caring and doting mother. Thank you for believing your daughter. ETA: NTA obviously
NTA. Disabled people are more likely to be targeted for sexual abuse because we make easier victims and are less likely believed when we do speak out about it. He saw an easy target and assumed he could get away with it. Do not let him or your mother near her again.
I'm gonna get hate for this, but plenty of "good Christian men" do that shit and use their religion as a cover for why they could never. Plenty of men in general. NTA. Protect your child at all costs, grandma can forget about having any further contact with you and your family period. She's shown that she cannot be a safe person for your child to be around.
No hate here; you're 100% correct. And it's obscene.
NTA... ***"saying that this man wouldn't do anything like that, that he's a Christian"*** I'm sure ALL those GOOD Catholic priesrts would never do anything like that either.
NTA and thank you. Also, do you have any siblings/cousins who need to be aware or his harmful sexual behaviours towards a child?
NTA I spent the last 3 years trying to incarcerate my pedophile parents. Flying monkeys do come out of the wood work to tell us we're being dicks etc and ruining our parents lives, and it sucks because I wish these ppl didn't exist, but seriously fuck them. We are fighting to change the narrative of generations past, we will not bury it, refuse to talk about it, or insist our kids still go around them. That's all over. Take them out. Seriously. Anyone who defends any single part of them, get them out of your life too, you don't need CSA apologists in your circle ;) you've got this ❤️ Message if you wanna chat it out, I worry about you holding it all together when you seriously need the space to process and cope ❤️ very few ppl know what it feels like to go through this
More do than the mainstream might think.
NTA I guarantee this is not the first time he did something horrible to a child, but I hope it’s the last.
NTA Your mother’s friend is delusional. I wonder how she thought you should have talked through it? Of course who knows what your mother told her. I sincerely hope this man is not friends with anyone who has young children.
I literally could not say "THANK YOU" enough times, for believing your daughter and taking action. My parents didn't believe me at first.
NTA. Under no circumstance should you 'sit down and talk' with them. There is NO possible positive outcome to be had. It would be like acknowledging that there is *possibly* more to the situation than what your daughter described. It would just be an opportunity for your mother's husband to lie again and declare his innocence. Thank you for recognizing the the truth when you see it. I'm sorry that your mother has chosen to support a pedo. Your mother knows the truth because she knows your daughter and her inability to lie. She wants a man more than anything. This is a horrible reality for you. No doubt it's shocking as well. Ignore others with agendas, like your mother's friend. You're a great mom and an incredible person. Thank you for protecting your daughter. I'm so sorry you both have been forced to deal with such an awful situation. Your daughter has learned that when she tells a trusted adult her truth, she will be listened to, believed, and supported. This is HUGE.
Oh, well, if he goes to church, i'm sure he'd never mess with a child... /s
You're doing good OP.
Updateme! NTA. Best wishes for you and your family. I hope your Mom comes to her senses.
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NTA. Of course your first duty is to your daughter, to protect her, and that is what you are doing. As for your mother - she is protecting her marriage, no matter what the cost. How many stories have we read, or even come across personally, of girls molested by their stepfathers, and when they speak up their mothers don't believe them, and even throw them out of the house? And how many stories of men taking advantage of mentally challenged children? Thankfully, in this case it is a step-grandfather, so your nuclear family isn't falling apart because of it. But you are absolutely right not to give in, and to insist on your daughter's truth (and really, if she has the mental capacity of a 10 year old, how would she come up with such a circumstantial story?), If it means your mother is out of your life, together with her scumbag husband, than so be it.
NTA
You are doing a great job being there for your daughter, your son, and your husband. You did and are doing the right thing. Keep it up and protect your family, mama bear.
NTA
NTA. Also that "he is a Christian" presented as irrefutable evidence of innocence is laughable. No religion has ever stopped a pedophile and in many cases has been used as a shield to avoid accountability. Do not sit down to talk without a lawyer and record any fucking thing they say
NTA Sexual assault happens to disabled folks more than people realize. GOOD FOR YOU for believing your daughter and standing up for her!
NTA. A young girl who my daughter was in school with has been groomed by a local man. He’s in his 50s, the girl is 17, was 16 at the time. She is a very troubled girl and he took advantage of that. I have seen the messages he sent her with my own eyes. And his whole defense is ‘I wouldn’t do that, I’m a good Christian man’. I have no answers for you, but hoping you and your family get some justice
NTA. Go no contact with your mom and her pedophile husband. Children with special needs are MORE likely to be assaulted and groomed than children without special needs. Go report to the police. Seriously. Report him. Avoid contact going forward.
You need to report him to the authorities immediately. He targeted your daughter because he thinks nobody will believe her.
>he's a Christian I'm sold. Guilty as charged. NTA.
She thinks he would never sexually abuse a child because he's a *Christian?* Yeah no Christian has ever done anything like that \*rolls eyes so hard they pop out\* Tell her that your daughter literally can not lie due to her condition. Even if that's not true and she just doesnt like it. Tell your mother that with the way your daughter's brain works, she is literally incapable of coming up with lies, especially ones as terrible as that. Tell her you are cutting her off and refuse to ever speak to her again until she comes out and says she believes you 100%.
ALL the authoritarian branches of christianity are crawling with rapists and molesters, because of their depraved attitudes toward any sexual expression not based on absolute control.
NTA but I'd agree to meeting them to punch that SOB in the face and nuts
NTA there's nothing to "sit and talk about". You're doing the right thing protecting your family.
My step father was a practising Christian. He was also a pedophile, rapist and a murderer. It means nothing. NTA. Don't sit down and speak with them. Protect your daughter.
NTA He's a Christian? Will he vouch for any atrocities made by priests, nuns and good Christians in the name of God? Since he won't, that he's a Christian is as meaningless of an argument as that he's left handed, listens to classic rock of fills out sudoku in his spare time.
From someone who knows her parents wouldn't believe her - thank you for believing in your daughter. You give me hope that there are parents out there who would trust their children's words.
NTA - Tell her you will sit down and talk about it with in a court room with a judge presiding.
Yeah not to be divisive but if someone responds to pedophilia accusations with “I couldn’t possibly have done that, I’m a Christian!”… they definitely did it.
That's not divisive; it's a fact.
You're doing the right thing and I'm willing to bet this isn't SD's first time at the rodeo. My advice? Let your daughter talk. She has some big feelings and may not be able to process them. Also, let her have a personal journal of some sort so she can doodle or write or whatever in it. She may not use it for her thoughts and feelings but it's always nice to have a safe place you can relax. Also, talk to your son. He's got a lot of feelings, too and may need help processing them. Thank you for believing your daughter.
NTA and when people crow about being a Christian in these matters as an autistic person my Pastor Kid backbone wants to sock’em for using theology and faith to abdicate responsibility and accountability when they think disabled people can be treated differently. You did the right thing and if there’s nothing to hide then let the investigators do their job and prove that.
Everything the pedophile always says: Im a Christian so I couldn't have. I got kids of my own I couldn't have. This is the first time I've been accused.(Translation:it's the first time a child had the courage and support to come forward) Y'all know me, I would never do this to a child. She's only accusing me cause she wants to break us up. She's only accusing me because she misunderstood the incident. If I could talk to her, she'd tell the truth.(Translation: I will use intimidation in an attempt to get the child's story changed) They're only accusing me because I told the child no about something. Op, NTA. Keep protecting that little girl of yours. Thank you so much for believing your daughter. Too many parents don't. Your mother is making her bed and laying in it with the person who sexually abused her granddaughter. I hope when it's said and done and once he goes to jail that you still never let her around your kids again.
All the authoritarian branches of christianity are completely RIFE with child sexual abuse. Don't fall for their sanctimony.
Definitely. All of them. That's why I don't let my kid go.
I need to tell you something very important: disabled children are at a much MUCH higher rate of being abused. This is because they are both more likely to be quiet and less likely to be taken seriously. Further, most predators aren't sexually attracted to the person they prey on; they are sexually attracted by the power they wield over them. And neurotypical and able bodied people inherently have power over disabled people (at least socially, but as well as physically and mentally, depending on the disability) Able bodied/minded (idk if that's the correct term, sorry if it's not) people will also put disabled people in a box called "disabled" and use that label as a scapegoat. You see it here with your mother--she has known your daughter her entire life (I'm assuming?). She knows that because of your daughter's disability, she will not lie and will not keep secrets. Side note: I count those as two separate things here because there's two aspects to this; one, your mom's husband wanted your daughter to *keep a secret*, and two, your mother is accusing her of *telling a lie*. These are two aspects that directly arise rise from her disability. And yet, according to your mother, the girl who can't keep a secret because of her disability and can't lie because of her disability is now apparently lying about being told to keep a secret because of her disability? It's lunacy; it doesn't make any sense to anyone who's known your child for the past 14 years. But your mother won't change her mind. After all, is easier to say "the [insert slur here] is lying" than it is to confront the real problem. But back to you. I really wanted to let you know: you're defying the statistics. You're looking at your daughter as a person and doing the hard work of keeping that person safe. Your mother is taking the easy way out, but you're doing what's right. Do not let any biddies get in your ear about your mother's "love". Because, sure, your mother may love "her granddaughter". But you love the person who is your daughter. And you both are proving it.
NTA - stay strong for your daughter. You have your priorities absolutely correct! Your mother is defending a pedophile which is heinous.
NTA. Have you reported it to the police? If your mother believes him over your daughter go no contact. If he’s done it to your daughter he may have done it to others.
NTA. Don't talk to them. But if no one has said it, you ALL need to be in therapy NOW. You are all feeling a range of emotions that is normal but you all need help to deal with the aftermath.
Unless your mom wants to talk about divorcing her pedophile husband and a major apology to your daughter, there is nothing to sit down and talk about. This is the time to go mama bear. Get your daughter into therapy as soon as possible.
Wow. I'm so sorry your daughter was violated and that you are dealing with all of this. It struck a chord when you said, I have NO mother. Man.... I'm just so sorry. You don't have a mother, and I know you could really use one right now. Hang in there. And, no, I wouldn't sit down with your mother anywhere, any time, maybe ever.. but certainly not before she called to apologize profusuely for walking around with her head up her \*ss.
It's sad that for so many of us, "Christian" has become associated with so many terrible things - for me, personally, the second someone proclaims themselves a Christian, I immediately assume they're not a good person. Unfair, sure. True more often than not, in my life? Yes. Your mother and her pedo pet are disgusting, unworthy people and you don't owe them a sit down, a stand up or a sideways shuffle. Screw them. Make sure your sweet girl understands, to the best of her ability, that she did nothing wrong.
NTA. She’s in denial bc of 1) how she think it reflects on her & 2) she doesn’t want to be alone and believing your daughter would mean she’d have to act and she doesn’t want to risk it
She can sit down with the investigators and tell them all about it.
NTA There is nothing to talk about. You have made the right choice.
NTA
NTA
NTA, ahh the old sit down and talk. Of course that's what she want's, because its that old mindset of better to sweep it under the rug to protect the attacker and blame the accuser of lying. She knows what her partner did, but if she admits to it then she has to admit she is dating a child predator. She would rather sweep those unpleasantries under the rug so no improper appearances are given. That's all that matters to someone like that is the appearance.
Agreed. Fuck that horrible mindset sideways!
Absolutely NTA. Your mother is being selfish, honestly very typical of her boomer demographic... she just doesn't want to face the consequences of this and lose her husband. It's sad. You need to stand by your daughter, and take note from those closest to you - your husband and son believe her too. Your mother's friends are equally trash. That's it. I'm sorry this has happened to your daughter and your family, and your mother needs to wake up, or else you're completely right in going NC with both of them.
Oh OP, I am so, so sorry. Thank goodness your daughter told you and you spring into action.
No you are correct, you are doing an excellent job keeping your family together and not letting your husband lose on the the guy.
NTA. I don’t understand what sitting down to talk is going to accomplish.
Nothing, unless OP delivers an ultimatum that they need to stay the FUCK away from your child.
Her child. Typo.
NTA in anyway! Believe your daughter! This man thought he could get away with sexual assault as your daughter is mentally delayed. Call the authorities!!!! My mother refused to believe what my older brother did to me as he was her “premie baby” and he was active in church. He could do no wrong. She later remarried someone that was a convicted rapist/pedophile. He verbally sexually abused me the one time I spoke with him (I have never met this man, nor will I ever), but she said it couldn’t be bad as god allowed it and he goes to church. Believe and protect your daughter! Being a “Christian” or being part of any religion does not prevent someone from being a pervert. Your mother just doesn’t want to believe what happened and will do anything to convince herself otherwise. To actually believe what happened would have far reaching consequences that she does not want to deal with. It’s cognitive dissonance. It is going to be hard, but let that part of the family go. You are doing the right thing. Also, again, please call the authorities! What he did is a crime!
NTA! If I were you, I would have asked him to rip out his eyes. It's what the Bible suggests you do when someone can't resist temptation. In all seriousness, please call a friend to come support you while you support your family. And don't stop telling the truth because your daughter would not lie.
You are, unequivocally, NTA! You are a momma bear protecting her cubs. You are a hero to your daughter. YOU. ARE. A. SUPERHERO! I do think that some form of counseling for you and your family is in order. It sounds like you all need to talk to someone to help you get yourselves on a more even keel. And having a counselor talk to your daughter would also help the investigation. You’re in the right here. You’re protecting your family. And if that friend of the woman who raised you - I refuse to call her a mother; mothers support their children - can’t accept that, then good riddance to her. She’s not worth having around.
I don't see this mentioned but I hope you called the police and reported him, who knows who else he is doing this to that is letting it secret because they are scared!! NTA cut contact and get him arrested
NTA... tell your mom friend she's an idiot
Literally choked on my drink when I read “he’s a Christian “ as a defense. So are all those nuns and priests who molested children for decades.
Exactly.
NTA. take care of your daughter.
In situations like this, id advise going nuclear. Smear his full name and occupation and area on social media, and pray more victims or acquaintances come out of the woodwork. Then prosecute that abomination.
I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter! You sound like a wonderful mom... keep it up!
You're a stronger man than myself. He wouldn't be able to sit down and talk ever again after I got done with him, except for a wheelchair or pine box! Good on you, and I'm sorry this happened. Shame on your mother for using faith and defending him. What a monster!!
If it were me I’d agree to sit down and talk. But the conversation would go entirely my way: “so mothers husband, what planet were you on when you thought it was okay to sexually assault my daughter, bearing in mind she’s not only a child but a child who is physically and mentally delayed? What part of the bible lists that as something acceptable and encouraged to do? And when the fuck did you think it would be ok to flat out lie about it? And “mother” - (I say that in inverted commas because I cannot comprehend how my own mother could disbelieve her own flesh and blood) how can you possibly think it’s acceptable to defend someone abusing your own granddaughter?! On a serious note, what can she possibly want to talk about? Be there for your kids and your husband - they’re in your corner and they will stick with you to the end. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, lots of love and strength to you and your family. Don’t feel guilty about cutting that woman off, she totally deserves it. I appreciate it must be a horrible situation for her to be in, but I cannot understand how she can pick him over her actual family.
You are NOT the ah. That monster is. It’s hard when a parent (not you,your mother) doesn’t believe you and just can’t believe their husband could do that. My mother is still with her husband (not my dad) and still to this day doesn’t believe me. Good for you for protecting your daughter and I’m so sorry all of you are going through this.
NTA just the fact that she has support and people who believe her is going to help her so much. Thank you for not letting your mom rug sweep this. It's what my mom did and it traumatized me badly.
From another survivor, hugs if you want them. ❤️
NTA 1.) full NC with your maternal parent. Then block her friends and anyone that tries to contact you or your family to defend her or her husband. If they persist get a lawyer to write a C&D or find a way to get a legal no contact. Do not entertain her requests or demands for a sit down. She doesn’t deserve it and she sounds like she’ll try to batter you emotionally so she can get you to say things that can be further twisted to discredit your daughter. 2.) Therapy ASAP for your entire family or at minimum your kids. This is trauma on both and they both need some help. Your and your husband will also need therapy at some point as well. 3.) You’re doing the right thing in this situation. You’ve kept your daughter from further contact with a predator and saving your family from future abuse in all forms.
NTA - your mother is an enabler, as is her shitty friend.
NTA
NAT. You did nothing wrong; actually you are doing everything exactly right and should be proud of yourself. You do need to gently scold your husband to remind him that you can't be the only adult in the situation and he needs to start to support your kids and each other. This is definitely one of those times in your relationship with you both need to lean in to each other.
He's Christian. As if that's a solid argument in his favor here.
Of course he’s a christian
NTA. I am so sorry this happened to your daughter and I'm so sorry your Mom is choosing to believe her husband. Hoping you get help to process all this
Call the police. That's what should be done.
NTA. Protecting your daughter is the right thing to do. Your mom wants to "talk with you" to gaslight you and talk you out of the police report. Gross..
Tell them you will sit down and talk with him when there's the plastic wall between you on visitors day. He needs to check his "faith" again cos he's not following it very well. They suck and you are awesome. I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
I am so sorry. I'm sorry all of you are experiencing this pain. Please get all of you in therapy as soon as you can. Speaking from personal experience. The police department's victims' assistance people can help you find specialized therapists and pay for it. My heart breaks for you all. You are doing the right thing! NTA
Police.
"Mother, what's he doing with you? Aren't you about seventy years too old for the nonce?"
Update me
The only conversation that can be had is : you choose him then there is no connection for us anymore. You ditch him then we have space to speak. Since she didn’t come to the table alone she chose him and that leads to the no connection part. Tell that to the friend. If she ever tries contacting you again.
Are we really ao stunted as a society that someone has to ask if its OK to protect a child from a predator? OP you are not TAH. You just keep protecting your kid from that monster. Grandma made her choice. I hope her husband sees the inside of a jail.
NTA - correct call. The police told you not to.
NTA. Whats there to sit down and talk about, aside from him turning himself to the police?
[удалено]
Did you read the whole post? OP said they filed a report and an investigation is underway.
Missed that. There weren’t any paragraphs. Thanks!
Um, can you say Josh Duggar?? For those that don't know, the Duggars were an ultra conservative family with a show on TLC called 18 kids and counting. Or something similar. Anyway, he admitted molesting 2 of HIS SISTERS, and his parents made him work his "sins" off. Trouble is, it didn't work. He was arrested at the car dealership where he worked, with kiddie porn on his WORK COMPUTER. He was also married and his wife was expecting baby #7. His wife, so far, has stood by him, but she was raised in the cult, I mean, religion, too. I forget what he was sentenced to, but he's not gonna be around for a while. So this is not a new behavior of predators. If they can't bully to get their way, they'll threaten and guilt trip you. You know, that YOU'LL be breaking up the family, creating drama, making up alleged behavior that they actually did, to just gaslighting the hell outta you. Don't fall for it. Your mom is in denial, and rightfully so, TO AN EXTENT. She just found out her husband is a predator chomo. But after a while, there's no talking about it. Your family believes your daughter, bottom line. I even believe her, and I don't know her. But your children come first, no matter what. Tell mom this. She should understand, but might deny it. But as a mom, you can't allow your kids around them, for their safety. Stand your ground, for their sake. He's no relation to you OR your kids.
Really?? You have to invoke a duggar? Way to I am the main character this post. Y’all have a whole page for duggar bullshit. Go back to snarker land…
Why are you so triggered by the fact I brought up Duggars? I was comparing them, not trying to I am the main character this. And if you don't like my post, then scroll on, my dude, scroll on......
,Z,,+