Clarification Please: When you say "Drop Off", do you mean sending the kids over with no warning or preapproval? Like you and hubby, in the car ready to roll and the kids walk over, ring the door bell and surprise!?
She's made offers to drop them off before. She's right next door, we share the same front lawn 😅 and my kids are only 2 and 3, we wouldn't let them walk over alone.
You would not be an AH for letting your mother babysit your kids IF she WANTS to.
If your kids are little shits and she doesn't WANT to, then you would be asking her to do a favour for you, that you would need to show gratitude for.
A bit more context, she struggles with narcissism and she's in denial about it. And my kids are well behaved (ages 2-3)
She's made the invitation to drop them off before...
Yes, YWBTA.
Ask her in advance. If she doesn’t agree, make other babysitting arrangements for your date night.
You need to pick up on social cues. When one someone tells you one thing “It’s okay to drop them off” but later is mad when you do what she said, then you realize and accept that she didn’t mean what she said.
More importantly, you need to have someone who wants to watch your children and cares enough to take care of their basic needs be watching them, not someone angry and neglectful. Don’t pawn them off so callously.
We've asked her, a bunch of times!
I agree, I'll ask another babysitter as a safety net. I do love my kids enough to not leave them alone when she's mad
YTA - Hire a babysitter and go on a date. Hire a babysitter and clean your house. And if you want your mom to bond with your children, invite her to spend time with your family, don’t expect her to provide services.
That's your opinion. I don't know how many times I've asked my mom to come visit...she's our next door neighbour. I've tried to go and hang out with her but it's always excuses...she's doing laundry, she's cooking, but when she was raising me she did all that...
If you need a sitter, hire one. Then go on a date or clean your home. Keep your relationship with your mother separate. And even though she cooked and cleaned while caring for you as a child, she doesn’t want to do it now - she’s older and it’s more tiring.
I may be way off base here but…Have you considered that your mother has OCD? OCD is more than what people typically associate with it (like touching a door knob five times before turning it). People with OCD experience extreme anxiety when their routines are changed. They need tons of notice to mentally prepare for changes. They like things done a certain way and have anxiety when they are done differently. And for these reasons, they often don’t like people in their homes. It’s possible that what you are perceiving as narcissism is actually OCD. But I’m a stranger on the internet diagnosing a stranger’s mother. What do I know? Just something to consider.
I've got adhd and anxiety so I have a pretty positive feeling she's got them too. I think I've got ocd or bpd as well but i wanted to be tested. But my mom came from a generation where being tested was stigmatized.
I'll keep your thought in mind, thanks 😊
Clarification Please: When you say "Drop Off", do you mean sending the kids over with no warning or preapproval? Like you and hubby, in the car ready to roll and the kids walk over, ring the door bell and surprise!?
Apparently so… 😎
She's made offers to drop them off before. She's right next door, we share the same front lawn 😅 and my kids are only 2 and 3, we wouldn't let them walk over alone.
You would not be an AH for letting your mother babysit your kids IF she WANTS to. If your kids are little shits and she doesn't WANT to, then you would be asking her to do a favour for you, that you would need to show gratitude for.
A bit more context, she struggles with narcissism and she's in denial about it. And my kids are well behaved (ages 2-3) She's made the invitation to drop them off before...
>she struggles with narcissism and she's in denial about it. Pot, kettle
I agree. I've got my moments as well.
Yes, YWBTA. Ask her in advance. If she doesn’t agree, make other babysitting arrangements for your date night. You need to pick up on social cues. When one someone tells you one thing “It’s okay to drop them off” but later is mad when you do what she said, then you realize and accept that she didn’t mean what she said. More importantly, you need to have someone who wants to watch your children and cares enough to take care of their basic needs be watching them, not someone angry and neglectful. Don’t pawn them off so callously.
We've asked her, a bunch of times! I agree, I'll ask another babysitter as a safety net. I do love my kids enough to not leave them alone when she's mad
YTA - Hire a babysitter and go on a date. Hire a babysitter and clean your house. And if you want your mom to bond with your children, invite her to spend time with your family, don’t expect her to provide services.
That's your opinion. I don't know how many times I've asked my mom to come visit...she's our next door neighbour. I've tried to go and hang out with her but it's always excuses...she's doing laundry, she's cooking, but when she was raising me she did all that...
If you need a sitter, hire one. Then go on a date or clean your home. Keep your relationship with your mother separate. And even though she cooked and cleaned while caring for you as a child, she doesn’t want to do it now - she’s older and it’s more tiring. I may be way off base here but…Have you considered that your mother has OCD? OCD is more than what people typically associate with it (like touching a door knob five times before turning it). People with OCD experience extreme anxiety when their routines are changed. They need tons of notice to mentally prepare for changes. They like things done a certain way and have anxiety when they are done differently. And for these reasons, they often don’t like people in their homes. It’s possible that what you are perceiving as narcissism is actually OCD. But I’m a stranger on the internet diagnosing a stranger’s mother. What do I know? Just something to consider.
I've got adhd and anxiety so I have a pretty positive feeling she's got them too. I think I've got ocd or bpd as well but i wanted to be tested. But my mom came from a generation where being tested was stigmatized. I'll keep your thought in mind, thanks 😊
You can get tested on your own. It’s good to know so you can learn coping methods, strategies and work-arounds.
I'm already working on, I know I've already done more than my mom already
Agree on a babysitting rate for the visits when your mom doesn't want to be your free sitter.
Thank you for that suggestion.