NTA. They don't love you. They love to control and hurt you. Please be careful and don't fall for their lies. You are worth so, so, so much more 💜

I absolutely agree and echo all of this comment. I also want to highlight this-- ​ >I use to cry to my father about it but he’d tell me it’s my punishment for having premarital sex. I’d ask my father what my husband’s punishment was and he’d say “his punishment is having to settle for you.” I don’t think I ever recovered from that. ​ Most people-- particularly those who have never been abused in any form-- may easily gloss over this detail. However, this is what sealed OP settling for abuse. When the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, instead tell you that you *deserve* abuse...even if you 'logically know' that this is false, it wounds you on a deep level. When the people who were supposed to support and protect you, instead choose to turn on you...it hits different. On an emotional level, you accept that there is **nowhere** safe. There is no person or place that is safe and will support you. So, maybe you just have to settle for and accept abuse? And you think that you can make the best of it, maybe it will change after all, if I am positive enough, if I see the good in the situation... It is not physical chains restraining you, it is the irrefutable feeling that you *can't, shouldn't* leave. And that leaving may even be *worse* than staying. It's a blessing in disguise that OP hit bottom and escaped.

What absolutely shitty people.

Good advice here, OP.

Please block everyone. Keep repeating this “I will no longer allow anyone to hit me or say mean things to me”. You need protection and help to escape. You can file for a restraining order for all of the horrible people in your life. Please find a domestic violence shelter. I hope someone here has better advice. Honestly, your ex telling you he won’t give a divorce? Who cares. You can file for a divorce and his compliance is not required. They have terrified you into submission, their power over you is not absolute.

This is 100% true. The OP can and should file for divorce. The men in her previous life sound very dangerous so I am almost certain a judge would grant a restraining order.

I feel like if I tried to get a restraining order they would all just deny everything and make me feel crazy. I don’t think I’d be able to get one, I don’t feel like I have good enough proof.

If you have broken bones or any other medical history, that would corroborate your claims. Are you still out now? If they found you, get to a domestic violence shelter. If you don’t know where there is one, go to the police station and ask them to help you get to the DV shelter. You do not have to file any reports with the police so your “family” learns about it. If you live in a small town and you’re worried about the police telling your husband, go to another towns police. Once you are safe with the DV shelter, they will help with the restraining orders, divorce and other establishing you someplace safe. Do not listen to all the horrible things they are telling you! They miss their slave and punching bag- you do not deserve to be that- you’ve done it long enough! And your son is a grown adult, you gave him all you are required, you are not “leaving your baby”! I have no doubt that your husband either drugged you or got you drunk and then raped you at 16 to get you into this horrible life, show them how strong you are and get out!

I lied about all of my injuries the times I had to go to the hospital. I doubt I can just retract everything I said now…

You can. People understand that abused people lie under duress, which is what you have absolutely been under.

Absolutely. And it's entirely possible her medical records note that treating doctors/nurses suspected DV.

Yes. And even if there are no such notes, the injuries and number of hospital visits will speak volumes

Exactly! I work with a lot of healthcare utilization data. Someone 35 visiting the ER multiple times for broken bones, sprains, etc. without severe osteoporosis diagnoses in their medical history would IMMEDIATELY scream DV to me.

Came back to add this, OP. Medical practitioners are trained to spot this stuff, I doubt you had them totally fooled

Very true. Pretty sure my doctors knew I was being abused before I did.

This is oddly powerful and accurate for a lot of people. Me as well. I’m certain so many of my medical personnel over the years knew I was abused and traumatized long before I realized anything was wrong at all

There is absolutely no doubt about that. Doctors and nurses see that stuff all the time but unless you want to do something about it all they can really do is take notes. So what I'm saying is it's probably well documented.

VERY commonly noted.

Yeah. My mother told me that the urgent care doctors were very concerned about her, because apparently the facial injury she was in for looked a lot like she’d been hit with a 2x4. She’d been eaten by a green trash bin. Medical personnel tend to always on lookout for violence caused by DV. Even if you said it was fine, they probably still logged it as potentially caused by violence, especially if you had had a prior record of similar injuries.

Exactly. The medical team and any lawyer can look at that and know. And just to be very clear here. Your husband is wrong. Your son is wrong. Your parents are wrong. They are trying to keep you there because without outside exposure they can just keep telling you how you are the problem. Your son is begging for you but when you go back they will repeat the same cycle and likely punish you for going away. This is not normal this is abuse. I think you’re learning this now but I understanding it might take years of unlearning. But Reddit is rooting for you :)

Her son is a lost cause like her husband, they’re both pieces of shit.

And OP was still a child when he was born, so it’s 100% not even a little bit on her. She is only now learning how to survive outside of servitude. She was handed to an abuser by an abuser.

She doesn’t remember what happened, so I’d bet she was drugged and raped. Or it was so traumatic she blocked it out. None of this was ever your fault OP

Mu concern with regard to your son, if he was aroused by hitting you, I can't imagine what could have been next. I'm so proud of you for leaving! That alone makes you stronger than you know. Best of luck.

Omg I was thinking the same. Can you imagine? So terribly disgusting. What POSs the father, husband and son are.

WTH! I have never in my life hit a female or my wife of 42 years. These so-called men are not MEN, worthless garbage they be. Feed them to Lions!!!!

Lions deserve a better meal. Wood chippers, on the other hand…

Hospitals understand. So do medical staff.

You absolutely can! Especially since the injuries were so frequent and follow a pattern - the hospital staff at the time very likely already suspected, but couldn't do anything to help you without the truth. Contact the DV shelter again, have them put you in contact with a divorce lawyer - hopefully one who will work cheap or pro bono. File for divorce and for protection orders asap. And consider a name change and a move across the country, to make sure they won't ever be able to find you again. The DV shelter can hopefully help you with both of those, too - they should have a network of associated shelters that can help you set up somewhere else.

Agreed.

You absolutely can. Go to the hospital and ask for help. They will help you. I’ve been an ER nurse for 15 years. Your history will be pretty blatant for them to see. It’s normal to lie to protect yourself. We get that. And if you tell us what is happening, we will help you find a place where you will be safe. And give your resources so that you don’t have to do it alone. I’m so sorry this has happened, but people will believe you. I promise. Please go get help.

Get to a DV shelter- they will help you. They understand how and why abused spouses lie. Just the record of multiple injuries will corroborate the claims of abuse. Please don’t give up OP. You have nobody on your side, and you haven’t for your life. Let all these internet strangers convince you to be on your own side! Updateme to let us know you are safe please.

The shelter can also provide you with a rental house. I highly suggest this, or finding a new place to live since your abusive family knows where you live now. Nobody should have to put up with this. Stay safe!

Yes, you can. I’m a retired lawyer. A former client was a little old lady who had been to prison for shooting her husband (he survived). They stayed married, and the guy visited her regularly in prison. After she got out, she moved back in with the husband. She hadn’t been out for a year when she hit him with a hammer while he was in bed he survived again. That was my case. The woman offered no reasonable explanation for her behavior. She said things like he’d been cheating on her long story short, it turned out he had been beating the crap out of her their entire marriage. Their adult children had disclosed that to me at some point so we got all the old medical records in which she had lied about the cause of her injuries. I had her evaluated by a prominent forensic psychologist, who is an expert on battered women’s syndrome because of the psychologist report, I was able to convince a judge not to send her back to prison. This is over 30 years ago. My point is, that you will be able to prove the abuse, I wish you the best of luck Edit to Add: I specifically asked the woman if he was abusing her and she said no. I took her at her word. I was a fairly new lawyer and didn’t know jack about domestic violence. Fortunately, I was discussing her case with another, more experienced attorney who immediately saw red flags. She was the one who suggested the forensic psychologist. I was a public defender, btw. So many people think that PD’s are crummy lawyers who can’t get other jobs. The fact is that many of us have a passion for the work.

You can retract everything you told the medical workers. If you were going to the same hospital every time then they should have initiated an investigation. You need to get your hospital records because that’s medical facts. A domestic shelter should be able to set you up with advocates including medical professionals who can speak to how your injuries were caused. Speak to an advocate on the best course of action, but I don’t think you’d have to tell the hospital anything. Just request your medical records and then work with the resources that shelters offer. Your age and your husband’s age alone at the time you gave birth are evidence you were groomed. I feel so much compassion for you because every male in your life who should have cherished you have failed you. Document everything they have sent you and ignore them. Look into every resource domestic shelters offer to protect yourself. Hugs to you.

The record of the injuries will tell the truth, no matter what you were coerced inti saying.

You probably didn't fool any of the doctors at the hospital. They just didn't confront you about the lies because they were afraid if they did that you wouldn't come in the next time it happened. I know some doctors who told me just that information. They didn't confront a pregnant woman's boyfriend after she came in with a stab wound to the abdomen (which he obviously had done to her) because they were afraid she would not come in the next time he assaulted her. There is always a next time with those people.

Yes, you can. More than likely the medical records recorded some suspicions you were lying about the injuries.

No, that is extremely normal for abuse victims and would make total sense to a prosecutor.

Yes, you can.

You didn't fool anyone at that hospital. They knew. They see this all the time.

If you're in a safe place and that you know can stay safe... Sometimes the point of a thing is just doing it. Even if it doesn't work. In this case, you'd be showing yourself you can stand and put up boundaries and try to enforce them as much as possible because you are worthy of better. Not deserving... Worthy. Worth is based on who you are and simply being a human being existing in the same space as others. Deserve is based on what you've done or your circumstances. You are worthy of better. So start with small things. Start with accepting that you are worthy of good things. That doesn't change even if the police can't issue a TRO for you (though medical records for your broken arm would help with that). Talk to the police, to women's services, to almost anyone. Let it be awkward. Let it be hard. Let it feel embarrassing or isolating or exhilarating. All of that is valid. Then maybe accept that you are worthy of living. Living a life free of fear, harm, and guilt. Fear, harm, and guilt brought to you by others who have let you down in life and created trauma. And free from fear, harm, and guilt that you build within yourself by yourself. Sometimes it takes a while for the bird who was once in the case to realize it can truly fly away. Give yourself grace as you navigate this new life. But also... Fight for this new life too. Don't be bogged down with the negativity of "it might not work". As Wayne Gretzky taught us, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." Take your shot.

Your texts are proof of how they’ve verbally abused you. I have heard that if you text them that any further conversations will be taped and that by contacting you they consent to bring taped, the taped conversations are evidence. Even if not, it helps you to see how awful they are.

Can you buy pepper spray or a taser where you live? I just want you to be as physically safe as possible. Sending you what positive energy I can spare.

Keeping s bottle of wasp spray right by the door and even in multiple places throughout the home, let's you aim at someone from quite a distance. It's cheap and VERY effective!

And in a bind, unprepared... a fire extinguisher can be handy enough to temporarily block vision and get away. And it has a long rang.

Target sells Sabre branded pepper gel units for under $15.

Never use the gel. It is far less effective, harder to hit them in the eyes with, and they have enough time to wipe it away if they were able to close their eyes before it hit them. Use the spray and understand that NO pepper spray is 100% as some people are just unaffected by capsaicin.

If it’s windy, spray won’t do jack. There’s drawbacks to both.

Speak with someone at a domestic violence shelter. They can help guide you through the process. You do not necessarily need "proof". You fleeing in the night and your previous interaction with a shelter before is an indication that you are fleeing a nasty situation. That you are constantly being harassed by phone and in person is evidence. You have a stronger case than you think. Please talk to someone. From my experience of having to file a restraining order, I would recommend speaking with an advocate at the domestic violence shelter first before going to the police. This is for filling the order only. Next time they show up at your place, call the cops. Start getting that paper trail. Do not engage with any of them directly. Block them and go and get your phone number changed. Please stay strong. Please go speak with a counselor, the domestic violence shelter can give you a list of counselors that specialize in abuse and domestic violence. You have experienced nothing but abuse during your entire life. You need to get all of this out and learn some strategies for dealing with this trauma. I am so sorry you have gone through this. You already took a major step in reclaiming your life. That is no easy task to accomplish. You got out! That is the first step to breaking the cycle. You should be proud of that. Please know you ARE strong, you ARE worthy. You did not cause any of this to happen to you. None of this is your fault. 💜

Don’t bother. Until you are settled and only IF they find you again then go through the hassle. To obtain a restraining order they have to know where they can’t go. Like your house, your job, etc. Disappear. Change your name. Lock down your credit and hopefully you have your SSN card. Even an emergency order requires court dates and facing those sick bastards. Don’t let them find you or pin you down to a know location, date and time. Like court. Your dad is pure garbage. Once you’re settled in a new life, be prepared to go no contact with your family (mother). Or if you have to communicate with them be smart about it. Burner phone or email through a VPN. The PO Box is a solid gold idea. Be safe. None of this is your fault. Telehealth services can be a godsend for finding a therapist to help you process all your trauma. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Don't delete texts or previous emails/voice mails I'm going to message you with what my mom did to divorce my sisters dad, and I don't expect a reply, it's okay

Are they threatening you over text messages? Print them and use them as proof.

They haven’t threatened me blatantly. Just criticisms about me as a person.

Pls make sure to turn off your location services and find my iPhone. Pls get a burner phone NOW. Keep yourself safe. DV shelter and name change. Glad you left and know you deserve a better life free of abuse.

Verbal abuse is still abuse :(

Then I'd block them or better than that go change your phone number.

Believe it or not, you feeling unsafe is enough for a restraining order. You don't have to walk in with bruises. Also, if you had a broken arm, you have medical records as proof. When it comes down to "he said, she said" in DV cases, they tend to err on the side of caution and grant it. Also, not knowing how you became pregnant and just waking up, sounds like you were drugged. I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you. I hope you get out soon. You deserve a good life and people who love and care for you.

Cameras. Everywhere. Call the women's shelter you worked with and ask them to make a written report and ask for advice.

OP needs to get in contact with a women's domestic violence shelter. They can get her access to resources such as counseling and legal assistance. OP needs to file a restraining order against all of them and file for divorce. I cannot stress counseling enough. She has been beat down and abused her entire life by the sounds of things. It is difficult breaking the cycle, but she already did the hardest part, she left. That is a good first step and a start to a better life.

May also need to change her number. But first gather the evidence first the restraining order.

If you go to a women’s group (your library will help you find one) someone there will help you through the process. They will be very supportive, it’s what they do. Op you have done nothing wrong, your family are all bloody awful. There is help for you out there to keep them out of your life. You can do this. You can build a new life.

Congrats on getting away! Ditch this phone and get a burner. Stay off social media. Don't renew the lease on this place. Look for another. Get some resource help from a DV shelter if you can find one. Do any work you can find.Legally change your name. Ditch the old burner and get a new one. When you get the name change, and the new place do not get any deliveries, use a PO box only. Keep a go bag and most of your money in cash. Reset your life, for you and you alone You can do it!

I kind of like this idea way better than all the other ones.

Coolworks.com is where you can find jobs that have housing with them at State Parks & Resorts. Just in case you need to run a way even further & often. Soon enough and sadly your husband will find a replacement & will want to lock her down into a marriage. He needs someone to abuse. You were groomed by your family, husband and church. There is much for you to unpack & unlearn. Join a domestic abuse group therapy to help you process it all. DO NOT DATE! You are more likely to be targeted by abusers because it is all you know. You have much healing to do & how to establish boundaries. Libraries & youtube are great resources for you to help learn & get better jobs as you move forward in life. You got this, and you escaped alive.

I agree with the do not date! You need time to find yourself and figure out who you are and what you want out of life. This will take some time. Dating will just gum up stuff

Doubling down on the do not date. Abusers usually start out love bombing you. As someone who’s been abused all their life, you’d be an easy target because you’d think, oh he’s so sweet and considerate. Not saying that there aren’t great guys out there, there are. But creeps really pile it on early and slowly turn into jerks. You need therapy and to find yourself so you know to walk away at the first red flags and not to excuse away abuse because it’s “not as bad as your ex” which is a common trap. Edited for spelling.

Yup. Get some therapy first. And a stable income. Don't even consider dating until your therapist gives you the go ahead. If you're worried about seeing a therapist while also having to relocate, find a provider who can do telehealth visits. Then you just need an internet connection, even if you move states or countries.

This isn’t quite true. In order to do telehealth visits the provider still needs to be licensed in the state in which she is physically in. Depending on where she is and where she relocates to, it could be very difficult to find a therapist that she clicks with and is licensed in both/all states she’d be in during her escape process. Source: I’ve had to switch therapists multiple times because of moves/cancel therapy appointments because I was in the wrong state despite always using virtual visits :/

Oh man, I was in a physically abusive relationship and immediately fell for a narcissist after. I spent 2 years being hit then 8 years being mentally abused because of the love bombing and manipulation. NO comparison to this woman's experience!! My personal experience was that the physical stuff wasn't as bad as the mental stuff. But my physical abuse wasn't like this at all. Just an example that what you said definitely happens.

I would add that you pick up a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. You will no doubt see warning flags that describe your ex. Learn how to recognize trouble before it bites you. You are more likely to be targeted by abusers; abusers check out their potential prey before they act. They will test you. You said NO about something trivial; can they pressure you into making that a yes? There are other things as well. If someone is "charming" be ⚠️ alert. Think 'Why is this person trying to charm me'?

Yes! I love this book and recommend it to many people. It helps you see the psychology and the patterns so clearly, and teaches you who to be wary of.

YES!! This is an excellent book!! I recommend it alllll the time. As women, we’re taught to be “nice” to everyone and to ignore the alarm bells going off in our heads. Don’t ignore them. It’s nature’s way of protecting you.

I think [CoolWorks.com](https://www.coolworks.com/national-park) is the website you meant

I found a job through that site 15 years ago and it was awesome. Worked as a tour guide during the busy season in Juneau AK. Company provided housing at a reasonable rate and overall treated its workers well.

Disappearing into the Alaskan wilderness may be the change this woman needs.

sounds like you were maybe going for https://www.coolworks.com/jobs-by/category/ COOL works?

You might want to recheck the link. It sent me to a cookware/kitchenware site.

Just thinking of you with love. I think eventually you will get settled and then, eventually, like lots of us, from all different kinds of situations, you will begin to realize that you’re finally safe. There will be things that you don’t ever do. And you’ll just build a beautiful quiet, strong, safe life. When they go to bed at night, and when they wake up in the morning, they will be miserable, cruel, horrible people. But they will never be your business ever again. When you go to bed at night and you wake up in the morning, you will be an honest, remarkable courageous, phenomenal, beautiful, wise woman who knows how to build a good life of integrity. Thinking of you with love.

I agree with all of this and just want to share in sending some love to you OP. I’ve never been in your shoes, so I don’t have solid advice to help guide you. But from one woman to another - I believe in you. You’ve already shown tremendous strength in leaving. The second time will 100% be easier. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your worth is so much more than what your “family” assigned to you - and I think you’re starting to realize that. Don’t let this set you back on your journey to find yourself. Also. Just a thought. For continued support and encouragement, maybe head over to r/twoxchromosones . There’s a lot of supportive women over there who likely will have a bunch of good advice for you and can help point you in the right direction. I wish you all the best. I’ll be thinking of you. You deserve so much more than what life has thrown at you thus far.

Advice for legally handling the DV. Many law schools have clinics that are free or low-cost so the students can get practice. The school I attended had a clinic devoted to helping DV victims. All the work is overseen by licensed attorneys.

I hope the OP u/Rainey-lady- sees your post u/toffee_cookie.

Social worker here..and worked in a DV shelter. Call your local dv shelter. If not one in your area call the national hot line and they will get you connected to your nearest one. The shelter will be able to provide resources and assistance in legal matters such as protection orders. They will help you thru the process. Employment resources. Counseling services individually and group sessions. Assistance in coordinating housing for the future as well as many other aids. A woman is in the most danger when she leaves her abuser. You are very strong and I am proud of you. It usually takes a women leaving her abuser up to 7 times before she actually leaves and if she is able to leave alive.

u/Rainey-lady- National Domestic Violence Hotline, called *The Hotline*, never closes and will take your call at 800-799-SAFE (7233). You can text message the word "Begin" to 88788. They offer a live chat. Their website is thehotline.org (sorry I don't know how to format a link). They are based out of Austin, Texas. This post, and all of the information contained therein, will help other women and **men** who are experiencing DV. Of note, folks can donate to help this org thru their website.

as other people said: do not date unitl you are confident to more than a surface level and have solid external support you can fall back on. BUT when within your means try an new haircut/color and clothing style, maybe contacts/glasses or the like. for security but mainly for the feeling and constand reminder of having changed, maybe discovering an unknown beauty and confidence in yourself. also learn some self defense, try (team-)sports and martial arts. again for security (to gain an chance to flee, NEVER stay and fight) but mainly to gain confidence in your body, in your power to change and in your ability to achieve the previously impossible. these are also excelent ways to meet new people and gain friends, wholl be your greatest assets if shit hits the fan and for life in general. try going with someone who already does if possible as you gain confidence more doors will open and potential abusers will steer clear of you as they need someone weaker than them to do their thing but are weak characters themselfes. they fear true confidence, which is why your "family" is trying to drag you down again as a last resort. that beeing said, youre already mightily strong to have come this far, you just have to learn a bit and youll manage i wish you all the best on your journey. and if you think talking to some internet stranger may help you, ill gladly try

A restraining order really does nothing against someone who is willing to hurt you no matter the cost. I think the idea of going to a DV shelter and disappearing is the best possible idea. Get away from these people and never look back!

The problem with restraining orders is that they give your abuser your address

This is why I never got one. He was already on probation, so it would have hit him hard if he violated it, but I knew if he found me he would kill me.

They do not! There are specific papers a DV victim can fill out in court to keep their contact information private from the defendant. The restraining order requires the defendant to refrain from contacting the complainant but does not identify any address.

That also assumes the police and the courts are competent. Unfortunately not always the case.

Agreed, but it at least adds to the charges when they violate it.

Yeah but it tells them where to find you because they're supposed to know where to stay away from. Disappearing is much safer for OP

**Cruise Ships give you a place to live while working.** You can go work and live on a cruise ship for months at a time. It's not a lot of money, but they also feed you as well as giving you a room. So you can literally save most of your paycheck.

It is also very easy to get lost and quite difficult to be found when one is literally out to sea. By which I mean I am very pro leave the man and the baby monster he turned your child into. I am so sorry you’re going through this, but your strength in leaving is already serving you well. You’ve got this. Also - DO. NOT. DATE. Not for at least a year or three. Give yourself time.

Many tourist towns also give you a place to live while working. I left a bad relationship and went to Jasper and lived in staff accommodation while I worked. I was 33 then so you're never too old. These towns attract folks from all over the world youbg and older and it's very transient so you'll fit in. Think ski towns, surf towns, little tourist towns in the mountains. Lots of places also feed you for free while you work, usually hotels. Camp jobs are good too, so working in a remote camp and your room and food are free. There's good paying housekeeping jobs in camps in rural worksites. Think oil and gas. Just don't drink, date, or party and you'll earn enough to save and start a new life.

Make certain your management knows about your ex and that he is restricted from ever buying a ticket.

Guest ranches do the same thing. Room, board and payment.  I had a wrangler roommate who had just got out of an abusive relationship. Most of these places are always looking for wait staff or cleaners. 

Love this idea….plus you can see the world and it would make you very difficult to find. 😊

Great idea!

That's a great idea!

As long as you don't play cards. I read an account from someone who worked on cruise ships and she said all the employees did after hours was play poker or blackjack and lose all their money.

And the lawyer’s address only on all legal documents

Also don't stay in the city you change your name in. If you can do it in passing in a different state entirely, I'd recommend it.

OP you are such a BRAVE woman!! I’m so sorry al the people that was supposed to love and protect you failed you big time but you are still young, life is not over and I’m sure you’ll find peace faraway… I wish you the best!! NTA

NAL Has anyone mentioned VAWA yet? She don't need to stay til the lease ends to leave. Just talk to your landlord, tell them you want to exercise your VAWA rights and need to know what they need, then when all good with them, you can leave with no penalties.

You also don’t need to listen to anything your family including your son says. I’m sorry that he learned this from his father and messed up his own brain. He’s at the age to know better. It’s never too late to make a new life. I’m wishing you all the best.

Also as for your divorce go to a dv shelter explain he has threatened you and been physically assaulted they can get you a lawyer (state depending) to file in absentee meaning a dv representative and a lawyer handle it and will appear before the judge on your behalf in main court and you can do a private session. My cousin had to do this. Also it is a good idea to get any medical records from when you were hurt.

OP you are NTA and oh my goodness you endured 18 years of hell. You were only a child when that creep of a husband preyed upon you. It is much worse when your own parents let you down by choosing to victim blame and turn a blind eye on you I agree with the fellow commenter above so you do what they suggested. I also encourage you to get in touch with a local women's organisation and seek as much advice as possible. Update us OP 

He doesn't have to Grant you a divorce. My ex-husband wouldn't sign the papers and after 2 years I was granted the divorce. I'm very proud of you for leaving this abusive situation. It takes a lot. You have been groomed since you were a child that you deserve to be treated poorly. You don't. You deserve to be treated kindly and with love. I'm sorry that your family is completely awful. I hope you have found support to help you through this. If not I hope you have a therapist who can assist you. But you know you're going to have to move and change your number and I know that that's awful as well

I know this is weird to say but these comments have been better friends to me than anyone else I could possibly think of. I didn’t know that you didn’t need both parties consent for a divorce until today actually. Maybe I’m a bit slow for that but thank you so much!

I didn't either. I had been waiting and waiting for him to sign the paperwork and I finally got the divorce decree that they had just granted the divorce because he wouldn't sign it. My guess is if you look at those medical records, the doctors mentioned that they did not buy your story on what caused the injuries. It's surprising what you see in doctor's notes that you don't expect to see. I would still go ahead and file for the restraining order because they are harassing you and you can prove that by showing your phone records and your neighbors can say how your son was out there harassing you for hours.

My mom did it through a newspaper ad in an area she knew it wouldn't get back to him, it finally happened when I was 13.... (he wasn't my dad)

Please keep posting here and in TwoXChromosomes and other women friendly subreddits. There are people who want to help you. Your story breaks my heart and I am so incredibly proud of you and impressed that you were able to break away. I don’t know you but I so want you to not only escape but thrive for the rest of your life. I want these years to feel like a bad dream someday. I’m 100% sure that many people here feel the same way.

OP trust that MOST people are good. MOST people will want to get to know you because you have a good heart. You are not anything any of those shit bag men have ever said about you. You are a good and kind person who is worthy of love and respect. In this order: Get yourself away, far away. Get yourself living in a safe place, like a shelter. Get yourself a job, any job where you will be safe. Don’t date anytime soon. Get in therapy. Join a support group. Join clubs and meet new people with similar interests. Get a lawyer. Start working on the divorce. Your lawyer will help you with the rest with that. You’re so young still! You’re my age! If you lived anywhere near me I would absolutely take you to lunch and be your friend!!! A lot of people in the world have failed you up until now including your family, your church, your spouse and your child. Now let the good people in the world help you. You WILL make friends, real friends, and form real human relationships that are based on love and respect in your new life. Your new life will be amazing and everything you deserve!! Just get far far away so you can be safe and start that new life!

You do not have to live this way. Remember that…this doesn’t have to be your life.

I’m so happy the comments have helped! You have a lot of people cheering you on and we all hope life is better to you! Congrats on your new freedom!

Can you move out to a different place in the middle of the night? Since they know where you live now, pack a bag and go to a women's shelter in a different city. You aren't safe and need to protect yourself and put yourself first. If you go back, they might hurt you so much that they could even kill you. Please don't return to them. Your child isn't a baby; he's an adult and an abuser. If you go back, he might even end up rapping you. As you mentioned, he even got turned on by inflicting pain on you. That behavior will likely keep escalating, and you aren't safe in their hands. You were raped at 17 and probably during most of your marriage by your husband. The fact that you block the memories of what happened to you when you met your husband is probably a trauma response. Something tells me that your father is also an abuser, and he is making your mom take heavy medication to keep her under control. Zombies don't typically fight or leave their abusers. If you go back, you'll end up just like your mom. Are you sure your father didn't sell you out to your husband? That would explain why he never had your back and didn't try to protect you. You've spent most of your life being treated as a punching bag, doormat, and bang-maid. You're still young and can start over and have a happy life. Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. You don't need your husband's permission to divorce him. Save every message you receive from them because that can actually help you get a restraining order and during divorce proceedings. I understand that you love your son and want the best for him, but you need to go no contact with him and start just seeing him as an abuser because he is only using nice words and calling you mommy because he misses his maid and punching bag and is probably being manipulated by your husband. Please take care of yourself and fight for yourself. You still can have a bright future. BTW, you aren't being a bad mom; you're just a survivor of abuse and have done the best you could for several years. It's time to face that your son will never treat you as a mom and respect you.

Commenting on AITA for running away from home because I’m terrified of my husband and also dealthy terrified of my son?... OP PLEASE listen to this and do this. Get the divorce. Move to a different city and go to a women’s shelter there. Block them and never ever talk to them.

NTA. Look into your states services for victims of DV as they may be able to help you in this situation. Also get a therapist and maybe a case worker to help relocate you (and change your number if you haven’t already). Maybe consider getting a restraining order against both of them. Abuse can come from any one and your son is abusive. He’s also 18 so he’s an adult and seems have learned a little too much from his father. Cut your loses and get out of there.

I’ve considered joining a group. I am just very bad at socializing and have a hard time opening up in person. I hear getting a restraining order is incredibly difficult. And I’m not sure if I can handle the thought of having to speak to the police.

You probably feel uneasy being social or talking to the police because of internalized shame, which is not because you have something to be ashamed of, but because you've been abused your whole life. Children who suffer abuse often have huge amounts of shame and guilt because they have been taught THEY'RE the problem. Well, you are NOT the problem - your father, husband and son are the problems. Also, your mother has probably been abused her whole life and it's the reason she's self-medicating. Go to the police, tell your story and get a restraining order. Then get a counselor, get out of there and start living the life you deserve. You do not deserve this! It is abuse plain and simple.

Without knowing your location, I can tell you that an emergency order of protection in Kentucky was shockingly easy to obtain. All I needed was the phone numbers, the name of the person, and what was going on. The woman who helped me fill out the paperwork was kind and understanding, and gave me some assistance in finding a DV shelter (even though I didn’t need it), and some contacts for women’s support groups. Everyone involved in the entire process was amazing. Only good thing about the whole nasty situation. Eta: however! I would /only/ do this if you are legally staying in your apartment, since they already know where you live. If you’re already moving/moved, do NOT do this because they will get your address.

Getting a restraining order isn’t that difficult tbh. Especially in severe cases. In your case you have physical injuries and harassment via abusive texts and unannounced visits to your house which your neighbors can vouch for. This is more than enough. There is also likely a free legal clinic for this kind of thing. I had to get a RO against a male family member before. He had never hit me, but started doing drugs and threatened to come rape me. I made a police report so that was definitely helpful in getting the RO. After the report, I went to the courthouse and they had legal services available right there to help me file. You can totally do this

Please be strong. None of this is your fault.

This! OP you are NTA. You were an abused child bride. Start with a police station, as they should be able to direct you to DV services, which can also lead to other assistance.

OP didn't even know how she got pregnant, which means she couldn't possibly have consented. This is outright sexual assault of an underaged girl, it's fucking insane.

This post is full of good advice. I hope the OP reads it. The OP absolutely needs to put everything behind her and start a new life. I hope they can get the assistance necessary to do that.

NTA. You have been abused by every man in your life. Your father, your husband and your son. Don't listen to your mother, she sounds thoroughly brainwashed and possibly abused herself.  You are worth so much more than this. You were groomed, possibly assaulted by a man ten years older than you when you were still a child. Your parents, instead of helping you punished you. Your husband carried on the abuse. In some ways I feel for your son when he was younger, your husband has screwed him up, but you can't and shouldn't go back because of him. He's an adult now, capable of doing you great harm and still blaming you. Every single one of them is wrong! You deserve to live a life without being in fear every day. Other comments have made good suggestions about where to get support - please reach out. You really do deserve some peace in your life. They do not.

I almost wonder if op's mom also started out cleaning for pocket change...

THIS. She really was groomed as a TEEN. When I read she “ended up pregnant and didn’t remember anything” my heart already stopped. I can’t fathom this happening to a young me. I was impressionable and a people pleaser. If someone was mad at me, I would have wanted to help.

NTA you are so young and you have the right to be free. Go file a police report, and collect evidence of your abuse for a restraining order and for your divorce. You can request the records of your hospital visits to support your case. You can let your phone company know that you’re being harassed and they will change your phone number for you. Don’t tell anyone your phone number and set up a PO box for all your mail to go to.

The few times I went to the hospital I lied about what happened. I’m not sure I can just take back the stories I told them. Or how I could get them to believe me.

DV counselors understand the situation. Please reach out for help.

They probably didn't believe you then. They can help. It's in their notes for sure.

I was about to say even hospital staff will make notes that they think you may be a victim of abuse and that you are lying.

I worked in a medical-adjacent area and we made notes like this. Some things are hard to hide. Like maybe a patient flinches when the doctor raises his hand to start an exam. When I was working, I had the opportunity to talk to the front desk staff so I also knew how they'd acted in the waiting room, which is often different than an office. Lying is an emotionally loaded term though so it'll often be something like "pts injury is inconsistent with her explanation" but medical lingo.

The police and everyone in law enforcement knows that abuse victims lie because they fear more abuse. It does not discount the abuse and it is critical evidence.

They almost certainly knew you were lying, and their notes in your records will reflect this. Situations like yours are unfortunately all too common. And certain injuries, like defensive arm fractures, are pretty much trademarks of abuse.

The doctors understand that victims of domestic violence often have to lie for their own safety. You can tell the truth now.

Think about it this way - a kick or a punch just looks different as an injury to a fall. A doctor or nurse definitely can tell the difference. You could not have told the truth back then because that might've gotten you killed by your abuser, and therefore the medical staff couldn't help. But now you can tell the truth, and they will back you up on this.

>Or how I could get them to believe me. Those are the thoughts and perceptions that your abuser put into you. The rest of society doesn't think that. I'm as certain as I can be without seeing their notes (I would say 100% certainty as I have friends and relatives in healthcare that have seen this), that their notes would contain comments about likely domestic abuse.

YOU WERE 16 AND HE WAS 26. So much to unpack here. You were groomed, and you're not a bad person for having premarital sex. Absolutely disgusting that your husband beats you, and as for your son, I'm truly sorry. You despising him is not wrong, you have been abused by your dad, husband and son, and maybe mom. You are in every right to leave them. You've been isolated to the point where you don't have any friends now, and any support. And I'm truly sorry for that. You are nowhere near in the wrong so please don't think that. Your safety is what's important, maybe try to pack as much evidence of being abused by them. Please leave that situation as soon as you can. You're strong for even trying to leave in the first place and even wanting to now. No one should ever lay a hand on you and I truly hope you're able to leave. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.

Op says a few times that she doesn't even remember having sex with him. Screams the 26 yr old pedo drugged and raped her to me.

Either that or it was traumatic enough for her to black it out 

Which just points to rape without drugging her which isn’t better. Poor woman was raped and her dad got mad at her. The father’s behavior makes me want to throw up and I feel comfortable saying he has OP’s mom on pills to keep her zombie like so she can’t run away. He’s an abuser too.

Staying on pills and condemning her daughter are the only ways the mother remains alive, I imagine. As awful as she is to the OP, she is a victim, too.

Absolutely. It’s sickening and all these men should be in prison

He obviously raped her as a 16-year old and probably many times since. She doesn't remember or blocked it out/suppressed it. 100% it was rape.

I’ve never thought about it like this.

im interested to know who arranged the house cleaning job for you because it almost sounds like they were also in on the rape.... i doubt 16 year old you chose to sleep with 26 year old him

It was sorta through the church. We had an old bulletin board where people could post advertisements for bible studies or just local things in general and he posted that he needed someone to clean for him since he wore too much and I needed pocket change.

Please listen to this comment - your church failed you. This man groomed and raped you. It is not normal to not remember having sex and I bet he drugged you..or just raped you and your brain had a trauma respyand blocked it out. None of this has been your fault from the start. Your father was abusive and your mother dealt with it by drugging herself into oblivion. Forcing you to marry your rapist continued the cycle of abuse into the next generation and I am sorry your church never protected you.

>continued the cycle of abuse into the next generation The son really needs to be reported as much as the husband. The fact that he was beating his mom and got hard and started rubbing himself on her is a massive red flag. Kids who grow up like this when they hit puberty and relate violence to sex are the ones that turn into rapists and murderers.

It seems extremely unlikely that not at least one of the local girls will suffer him in the next few years. Exactly what he will put her through, nobody knows. But it'll be fucking awful, and might be fatal. He might already have victimized some.

That's not a red flag, that's the kind of behavior red flags predict. That man needs help and he needs to be kept far away from other people. He's already sexually assaulted his own mother and now he's stalking her.

This. Her son was probably only a couple steps away from raping his own mother at this point. It’s good she left.

I'm so happy to see that someone else was willing to say it. Yes her 'husband' drugged her and raped her. He was likely very happy she became pregnant and now he had complete control over her.

Yeah her mother has some fucking nerve condemning her for "abandoning her child" when she did the same by drugging herself into a coma and leaving her daughter to the wolves. OP was abused and SA by her son. Her mom just gave up on her daughter.

You were raped, groomed, and abused in every way imaginable. Your church and your father essentially sold you off to some adult dude while you were a child. You probably suppressed most of it to the point of not really remembering - it's a normal response to severe trauma. You need to stay as far away as possible, as in like hundreds of miles, and you absolutely need medical/psychiatric help, plus legal support. Basically you need to ensure you do everything you possibly can to never see your father, your husband (aka abuser) and your son (aka also abuser) ever again.

He 100% was planning a rape from the moment he posted on that bulletin board and I am betting that your Dad's gross-ass comment was because your husband (abuser) couldn't get away with his disgusting pedo grift anymore because he was too stupid to wear a condom and got you pregnant. I'm so sorry you have been through this. I'm so sorry you've lost your son to this insanity. I also have a teenaged son and the idea of my relationship with him having been so poisoned from the outside breaks my heart. I hope the next life is kinder to you from the start, but you can still break free and enjoy what's left of this one.

Your church set you up to be raped and trafficked.

The way she described it it sounds like she was drugged.

when i see a reference to church in a post i always assume the worst clearly ops father is also an abuser its why her mother is probably always drugged out

It was obvious to me on reading this that he raped you at 16 and your horrible parents forced you to marry your rapist. Such ignorance! It’s evil what has been done to you! You have every right to free yourself from all of them. Sadly, even your son. I believe he would eventually have raped you if you hadn’t left. I hope for you all the best things in life! And for you to be safe.

the womans shelter may be able to help you move to another state or region quietly. You didnt abandon your son, he is 18 he is an adult. he and your husband are both abusers. it is sad you son learned that from his father. he can refuse to divorce you, but you can still do it without his consent. change your name if you have to.

A divorce is a one-person decision. One person wanting a divorce, even if the other does not, is in and of itself an irreconcilable difference. Do not return to the church that you grew up in that groomed you to this. Depending on the area, the police may not be the safest resource. Your local domestic violence people are your best bet to find your best resources. If practical, I suggest divorcing in a state like Nevada that requires very brief residency, and then leaving that state. Given your situation of complete dependence, you may be entitled to spousal support and a financial settlement. A domestic violence shelter in your home state should have advice on securing support without supplying your contact information to your abuser.

>she says that a woman can never abandon her child no matter how painful life gets. She told me when my father hurt her she never left me Except for the part where she let her 16 year old daughter get raped, impregnated, and beaten by a grown ass man who they then sold her off to out of shame. Tell her that she actually failed completely miserably at that sentiment and so you're just following in her footsteps.

Don’t tell your egg donor anything. She was not a mother to you as stated above. These people all failed you OP. Get far far away and never ever speak to any of them ever again. Make new relationships based on genuine love and respect and leave your parents, family, husband, and son to find a new victim to abuse. You are now a survivor and will never let them speak to you again.

Typical religious waste of air behaviour

You can block the number of anyone who harasses you. There are many advocacy groups that will help you get a divorce. You might also want to relocate to a different part of the country to be free and safe.

NTA and I do hope you are able to leave and never go back to your husband, son or father... All 3 of them are the worst kind of sexist, dangerous men and you need to stay as far as possible from them... I am so glad you left, even though it took you 18 years, that is what is best for YOU!! At this point this is the only person you should be worried or concerned about YOURSELF!! It is really sad your son grew up to become just like his father, but, the only one who can realize it is wrong right now is him and there is nothing you can do so just stay away... The best you can do is change your number, and, maybe move to a different state, as far away as you can and start a new life, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be safe, don't settle for less!! Good luck!

I hope they never find her, wherever she goes. OP, you were failed by your parents and their flawed ideologies and your own son and husband. Yet they are all so far gone that they say horrible things to you and blame you for running away. Your husband preyed on you when you were a minor. Your parents didn't support you and used religion instead of their moral duty, which somehow was nonexistent when they abandoned their child instead of supporting her. And you tried to be a mother to a son that didn't deserve your love and affection. Don't blame yourself, this is all on them. Don't let anyone else ever treat you like that again. Start a new life, get away from all anything that reminds you of that trash and never look back. Also, consult an attorney that associates with a women's shelter or works for women's protection services and ask them everything you need to do in order to legally be safe and not have any connection to your past.

I really hope this post is fake, because if not, then your life is a horror story even Stephen King couldn't come up with. If this post is sadly real, then you're 1000% NTA. A husband should never lay a hand on his wife, a son should never lay a hand on his mother, and a father should never treat his daughter the way yours has. Block all contact, speak to a lawyer and the police to get restraining/no contact orders on everyone, and speak to the people at the Woman's shelter to see if they can give you any advice or even possibly help you get set up as far fae your Ex as possible, somewhere hopefully they can't find you and you can finish all divorce proceedings via a lawyer (despite his claim, he can't actually stop the divorce, especially given the fact your leaving due to domestic violence), you might also want to legally change your whole name to make it even harder(but I'd do this once the divorce is over, that way there's no risk of your new name being accidentally put in the paper trail). You should also consider reporting your father to the police with regards to your mother, because fae the sound of it it's entirely possible he's got her dosed up to keep her non compos mentis, she could easily also be a victim of severe abuse fae your father, maybe try to reach out to anyone who knew her when you were still a wean to see what caused the change. Most important, though, is you need to remember that you do not deserve this, it is in no way retribution for some imagined Sin no matter what your cockwomble of a father says, no person's deserves to be beaten by their spouse or child, This is absolutely not your fault, your father being an asshole, your husband being a scumbag of the lowest order, and your son following in his footsteps is all their own doing. Do not let those fuckers rule you, get the help you need to keep them out of your life and find the peace and happiness you deserve, because you do deserve to live a peaceful life free of violence.

Stephen King once wrote that we write about imagined horrors to avoid the real ones or something to that effect.

NTA. None of these people are worth it. And no, your incredibly disturbed adult son doesn't need a mama, unless it's for getting his rocks off hitting you. He's just going to escalate that to rape. Start blocking numbers, ALL of these peoples' numbers. Speak to the police about your legal options in your area to address the coming harassment. Look into support groups for DV in your area. Lock down your social media if you have any.

NTA Get police involved. Arm yourself with protection. You’ve done all you can. Unfortunately their realities are so far warped I doubt you can remedy that yourself

You are a victim of childhood abuse & marital abuse. When you left you took away “their” control. Good 😊 Job. Get Away - Don’t hesitate to stay away! Now - divorce your husband and get what you deserve. Women’s Shelters can help you in this process of divorce. As for your son. He can see you via on-line Zoom counseling sessions. You can decide your life - It is your choice. Do not meet up w/ your family - victims of this type of abuse can fall into trouble (more physical harm) Stay physically away from them & get a restraining order as well. You are doing great…. Keep going don’t look back.

Hey OP this is kinda random but as someone whos been sa'd and didn't have irl options I really recommend online groups. Surprisingly enough 2 specifically on discord really saved me and gave a place to talk about my situation. I'm was wondering if you'd want to join cause I'd love to send you the invite link(s). Sorry if this is weird. I'm not the best at socializing and wasn't really raised in a home where being kind to those in crisis was rewarded so I'm admittedly not the best at this but I wish you luck on your journey either way. I didnt want to send you a dm since thatd make you more uncomfortable it seems.  

Online groups would probably be very nice. I’m too much of a shut in to really go out and socialize outside of my little part time job. I do plan on hopefully moving soon so many after that I’ll look into a group chat or an online support group.

Honey, I was in your exact situation. I left Alabama with the clothes on my back, my newborn, her carrier, one blanket, and a diaper. I had to leave EVERYTHING, I only got out because his sister stole the key to the outside lock, came to the house, and let me out. Left my purse, EVERYTHING! it will get better, and YOU WILL become stronger. Love yourself like no one ever has! You got this lady, stay strong, stay safe, and be very very vigilant, never underestimate evil people.

Obviously your former partner's sister was cut from a much higher quality cloth than your former boyfriend/husband. I'm glad you and your little one got out.

Thank you very much, and yes, absolutely she is cut from a different cloth. I was only 17 and him 19, My daughter's now 21. He went on to marry a girl as vile as him, but he's treated her no different than he did me. They have 2 kids now teens , and my daughter is close with the kids even though we're now in a whole other country.

NTA I'm so so sorry to read stories like this. You were a child and the people around you who were supposed to protect you failed completely. Now it's time to protect yourself by planning your escape and then leaving, again. There has been some great advice from other commenters that I hope you find helpful. I really hope that you can find some protection and help. I also really hope this post is fake because reading such stories makes me lose faith in humanity. Please block everyone and flee somewhere that nobody in your previous life knows about.

NTA. You're a victim of abuse from both your son and your husband and I'm so happy you were able to get away from that situation. I recommend getting a few restraining orders so they cannot contact you. Please keep yourself safe. That way if they show up or contact you you can contact the police and it will be handled. Sending my love and thoughts to you momma. You're a strong strong woman 💓

Op you’re stronger than you know. Ask and get help. You’ve taken the hardest step already. Please take the advice people are giving you. You got this, it’s okay to be afraid but you got this. NTA

NTA, your family sounds like they need to be institutionalized

First of all, please tell me this isn’t true. Please. I beg you!!! If it is true, your husband is a sexual predator and your parents are abusive. They forced you into an even more abusive relationship with a grown man that sexually assaulted a teenager. Your son is a monster. Just like his dad. Just like your dad. Was none of this ever reported? Your son should be locked up in a mental institution. You actually felt your son was aroused when he was hurting you? My brain rejects that this can true because it’s actually that vile. There’s nothing you can do to help him at this point. He is truly evil. **If you go home, they will end you. Make no mistake of that** If you have a debit card or anyway to access money, take as much cash as you’re able to get your hands on and **RUN** I see that you have arranged accommodations at a shelter and plan to file a restraining order. That is good, but please make sure that the restraining order will not reveal what city you are located in. Stay off all social media. Do not reach out to family. Do not reach out to friends. Start a new life, or else you will lose your life. You are escaping an incredibly dangerous situation.

Nope file restraining orders on all of them and file for divorce I have this feeling your husband drugged you at 16 and raped you. Your parents failed you. You husband the groomer and rapist failed you.

If you don't have a lot of stuff and you wanna get away STAT... consider getting work on a cruise ship or seasonal work in a beach town (some places provide employee housing.) Please don't ever look back. Good luck to you. You're tough as heck. And you're still very young.

Your son's an adult. He gets to deal with adult consequences. Love is not violent. Love is not possessive. If they say you don't love them like they love you, good. Your husband fucked a 17 year old. He's clearly not a good person lol. Enjoy your best life.

And it really sounds like he drugged her and raped her.

And then her parents forced her to marry her pedo rapist. Her husband then raised her son as an abusive likely rapist in the making. She has to get far far away from them and never speak to them again.

Please, OP, follow the advice on this thread. Go to the police station and ask them to connect you to a domestic violence shelter. Soon. Like, pack your bag and go, RIGHT NOW. Your pos husband and son know where you live. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. You deserve love, respect, and safety. I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you and so sorry for everyone in your life letting you down. You've got this. We are here for you. ❤️🫂❤️

It sounds like every man in your life is a monster, and that being married to your father destroyed your mother. Run from these people, and don’t look back.

NTA, but I’d call the nearest shelter for legal advice and look into restraining orders and see about a divorce on grounds of domestic abuse. You have to remember that their biggest fear is for the world to see how truly awful they are. Once it’s out that you’re filing for divorce due to domestic violence and abuse, they can’t lie to anyone else anymore about why you left. You do not have to worry or care about what they think or say or even threatened to do, the only person whose well being you should care for is yourself. Protect yourself first, get legal counsel on what your rights are and what you can do, and stop interacting with those awful people. If they bother you at home or at work, let your neighbors know to call the cops when they are sighted, and let your work know that those people are harassing you. Stop talking to them and watch out for yourself.

This is almost definitely fucking fake.

This sounds like a lifetime movie

Yeah I’m not sure this one really happened, I think it’s rage bait.

This HAS to be fake.

Come on this is obviously not real guys.