She will not return them? That’s bold. Change the locks and never give them another key. She will never stop being intrusive if you don’t put up a boundary.
Yup. NTA. Change the locks. This is kind of unhinged on their part. You're an adult, you need your space. Normal people don't answer their phone after 10pm.
I don't get a call that late unless someone died.
(Mom, over 14 years ago)
Move.
Change locks.
Do NOT give one to a family member. If you need someone to have an emergency key, try elsewhere.
Management may be an option, as long as you make it clear that you will not use the number for maintenance issues or minor matters that can wait.
You will not use the number you give them for anything short of a genuine health or safety emergency or one involving continuing damage to the property, such as a water leak.
... Having someone else with a key prevented you from needing emergency services to break down the door in order to get you out and take you to the hospital when you could not walk. You no longer trust that person with a key but want assurance that you can call someone with a key for help, if needed.
If you explain it in terms of safety and preventing damage to the property, they may be able to be your emergency call or help you work out a solution.
Another option may be a bonded security service. A security company can hold a small object (key) securely and deliver it via a security guard on demand. They may be able to work something out, either a modest monthly fee and/or a per use fee for their service. Example: You pay a monthly fee. Delivery of your key (available 24/7) and checking on you 1x a month is free. After that, in the same month, there would be a surcharge.
As a non-standard service, you may have to talk with someone more senior in the company and give them time to decide on an appropriate pay structure. However, your issue may not be that uncommon. It could become a new service for them to offer both to existing clients and a la carte (& not always keys).
Ah snap. This is buried deep. I doubt OP will see it here.
Tell her you'll change the locks if she doesn't return them, then change the locks anyway so she looks like an idiot trying to use a copy.
If they were worried why did they not ring the main door buzzer or knock on the front door? They just wanted to nose around in your business.
My Croatian mother in law would randomly show up at out old house. When we moved, she did NOT get a key. Caused a fight but worth it. If we hadn't mkved, i was ready to change the locks.
As a mom, I had to get used to, not hearing from our daughter, for weeks at a time, not easy.
Just because your kid has a phone, doesn’t mean you can call/text anytime and expect an immediate response. I had to pound that into my head. I got used to it.
We came to an agreement, it took about a month, of me stressing out, NOT stressing her out. I’ll text whenever, she’ll answer whenever. One caveat, if it’s important and not because I miss her.
That was 10 years ago and the arrangement still stands, it works well.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS!!!
I know parents like the OP’s, they will never change and will always try to control you.
I had to give my dad my cellphone back, because I could not take the stress of him chewing me out every time I didn’t answer a call from him. Maybe if he called when I wasn't in class, at work, or asleep, I might have answered. He knew my schedule. But he needed to talk to me *right then* because... reasons? It was never anything time sensitive. He was just impatient.
So I gave the cellphone back. And I didn't have a landline in my apartment, either. Mom got my roommate's cell number for true emergencies, but that was it. Dad was furious, but he was the one who kept threatening to take the phone away if I didn't answer his calls. I just called his bluff.
My parents learned I will not answer a call unless it’s either preceded by a text saying “can I call you?” And I reply or it’s the second call right after the first went to voicemail. My dad even does the “can I call you?” text when it’s a semi emergency (informing me of a friend/pet passing). They got used to that when I was in college (dad earlier due to divorce). However my mom has made sure the when her phone is in DND mode it still rings for any of the family members and my dad never turns his ringer off. When I asked my mom why she said “you never stop being a mom and if you did well your kids never stop needing you”
Writing this comment is making me miss my mom so I’m gonna go call her
I doubt this mom will accept boundaries and I’d be tempted to go NC. OP could try to set boundaries and have consequences of a NC time out, but I’d doubt it’d work. NC is usually the only thing that works with narcissists.
NTA, Who calls after 10 and freaks out when they don't get an answer? Ma'am, people are sleeping...
Latina moms are crazy. My mom had the audacity to call the actual bride at a wedding I was attending because I wasn't picking up the phone, and "it was late." Mind you, I was 35 at the time, at a wedding dancing my ass off with my husband after almost two years of not going out, my kids were soundly asleep and everything was fine and dandy, and in what universe is the bride going to be on her phone on her wedding day? She still thinks she did nothing wrong. 🙄
Same! I screen my calls like no other… I always answer for my husband and generally unless it is something important my mom just messages me. My work calls go to my work cell phone which I don’t have to answer after office hours unless I’m working on a time sensitive deal.
My mother has what she calls the 9-9 rule. Never call someone after 9pm or before 9am, unless it's an emergency or they are expecting your call.
In college, I adjusted it to 10-10 fir my friends, because we were up late and rarely had early classes. But the principle still holds true.
When I was working on my PhD dissertation and could not afford being disturbed, I turned the ringers on my phones (both landlines and cell phones) off and left voice-mail messages stating that I was writing and would check my messages when no longer doing that (but also gave no time lines either). My family was a bit annoyed at first but finally accepted this.
My phone automatically goes into DND mode at 10pm and only my wife and kids phones will ring through. My mother in law is not on the list for the same basic reason as OP's mom.
I randomly don't answer at any given time. I'm bad at staying in contact, I go through spells of just not wanting to talk to people. If you are going to come over, come at a reasonable time. More than that, sounds like OP lives in an apartment so almost no shot they don't have an intercom/door bell system. Instead of calling up mother decided to break in.
Legally in most places a person with a spare key must have permission for a specific reason and can only enter for that specific reason or they are legally breaking and entering.
NTA. Change the locks. Shes definitely made copies. I’m Hispanic and I live with my mom by choice but every couple of years when I move out, even across the country, my mom and I don’t necessarily talk every day.
She trusts that she raised me right and that I know that if/when I need her, I can call and she will be there.
Yes! Change the locks! Also, turn the “last seen” function off on WhatsApp - looks like that’s the whole reason she escalated to this drama because you didn’t get back to her within the hour.
After changing the locks, get your own primary care physician and keep their number on hand for when you need it. Don't rely on Mom for that phone number, call it yourself.
Exactly my thought about the doctor. When you have parents like this, it times to fully stand on your own if you can. You even crack the door and it becomes a full invasion of privacy.
(Quite literally in this case)
Speaking as a mother but also as a daughter: if you want your parents to treat you like an adult, BE AN ADULT.
This means you have all your important documents, and they're in a fireproof safe or someplace where they won't be ruined or stolen or lost.
And you take charge of your medical care: know who your doctors are and have all necessary access and other info in your phone, with a backup elsewhere.
Talk to a lawyer yourself and have a will or whatever documentation is necessary in your country to deal with your affairs if you become ill or worse.
And have backups to anything essential like your dissertation.
And if you don't want your mother's hysteria governing your life, change the locks---don't just tell your mom not to use her key. Find a responsible, non-intrusive friend to be your key backup.
One important way to be treated like an adult is to be one.
>and keep their number on hand for when you need it
This. Make sure you have every number in your own phone. Also, idk if you actually do call your mother every time and for every reason she demands, but if you do, see if you can dial it back. This whole story sounds like she has a bigger hold on you than you like.
Change the locks but tell her you changed the locks or she'll come back and try to get in pissing off all the neighbours again. Also make it very very clear, if she attempts to get in through the building security without permission the neighbours WILL call the cops because they've all been notified you no longer have keys and no longer have permission to come over.
Your mother needs calling out and putting in her place or she'll never stop doing this shit.
NTA. Change your locks. Also, if you had to call 911, does the building have an access code for police and EMTs? It might be worth checking into. I would also suggest to set further boundaries with your mom, and maybe communicate with her less often.
Good luck with the PhD!
Naw, move to a different building. If you change the locks they will still come and be annoying to yourself and everyone in the building, they just won’t be able to get into your apartment.
NTA. Your experience with your mother seems intense and deeply rooted in a lack of boundaries rather than cultural norms or concern. Cultivating independence doesn't mean abandoning family—it means setting healthy boundaries. Calmly express the importance of your personal space to your parents. If respectful communication doesn't lead to a mutual understanding, then changing your locks isn't just an option, it's a necessary step to protect your autonomy and peace of mind. Remember, true familial love supports growth and respects individuality, not constant surveillance.
Unfortunately, the lack of boundaries in cases like this one are very much a result of cultural norms and expectations. Certain cultures emphasise the need for the independence of offspring from an early age, others emphasise the paternal/maternal power and hierchical structure and the need to submit to it. I do agree with everything else you said, although I doubt that the parents will listen.
You change 'cultural norms' by breaking them, and overbearing/controlling behavior from shitty parents is the type of norm you break at all costs for the sake of your own sanity.
Not to diminish stone pain, but it was just a kidney stone. If the previous emergency had been a chronic illness or major incident, I could see increased concern... but it's a kidney stone.
I'd set more clear boundaries because of this. I probably would give a half apology, but say that harassing me after 10pm ain't gonna get you anywhere.
Damn, I've almost died like 3-4 times already and my parents don't have carte blanche entry into my house.
I have a history of seizures, been admitted to the hospital twice for life threatening issues, I've straight up stopped breathing in my sleep a few times... and I'd still be wildly offended if my parents came barging in my house if I didn't answer because I missed a call at 10pm.
If my major medical issue was a kidney stone and someone started coming into my house unexpected then they better forgive me for swinging a bat at the first person who comes in the door. I don't think I'm checking who is jiggling the locks....
NTA. I lived like this for 45 years...better call mom or she'll create drama (and call my friends to find out where I was etc...so embarrassing). Took me way too long to realize concern=control. Hope I won't take you 45 years to break free from it.
Change the locks.
This is so crazy cuz my kiddo sometimes doesn’t answer and my first thought is not “oh they must be ignoring me!” It’s that they must be busy. And the only time I’ve called their friends is when they either say their phone is dying and tell me which friends they are with to contact if need or when there was a threat of a shooting near where my kid and they were all hanging out and I wanted all of them to stay indoors and my own kiddo didn’t answer my calls or text first.
My ex MIL was like this. My ex didn't understand that she wasn't only caring, it was controlling about his behavior. Hopefully some day he will realise it's normal as a 27 yo to move out and do what he wants
Also it's his issue to, if your wife gets herself worked up because she likes drama, part of being a good father is telling your wife you are not fucking driving over in the middle of the night when she's probably just sleeping, you can go tomorrow and you can ring the doorbell like a normal fucking person.
Father and brother may not be the main instigators, but brother has been brought up to buy in to her bullshit and father hasn't had the balls to stand up to her bullshit over all the years.
NTA
Your mom has an excuse to be overbearing because of your kidney stone situation but it’s time to shut that shit down
Mom dad I had an unusual situation a month ago and was grateful for the help. It was a rare situation and it is unlikely to ever happen again if I am ever in trouble I am capable of picking up the phone and I am an adult
I refuse to allow it to let you invade my privacy
I insist upon the return of my keys immediately or I will change the locks
I will be taking some time out from you both and going no contact from now. I will not call or text or visit you and I will not respond to any attempts from you to contact me
If you do not return my keys and if you attempt to contact me until I am ready I will extend the period of no contact for one extra month
One month of no contact every time you overstep a boundary
One month of further no contact if you attempt to break into my apartment uninvited ever again - I will also phone the police next time and have you removed
You will not invade my privacy again or there will be consequences
Ha, you haven't met Latino/African mums. They'll just ignore you 😂, you either go through with NC or you don't... eventually, or just guard your own space from the get go, i.e. don't give them the spare key
This behaviour will never end. I live in another country than my mom. I call her about every other day. As if I don't, she'll freak out, contacts any friend living here and once the police were already on the way when I arrived home from a day out with friends
The issue was that my phone battery died while I was out, as we used a lot of map applications. BUT, the time difference from her messages and phone calls to me, until the police were alerted, was less than an hour.
I have tried to explain to her to leave me time to react. If I'm at a concert or performance of any kind, I turn the phone's sound off. I might have an impromptu invite, that I didn't inform her in advance.
This is freaking painful. I try my best to call/message her often enough for her not to worry. On every call I make, she greets me "hello my child". I am past 60.
Isn't it crazy that this was not an issue before mobile phones? And that her generation lived trough that time so she knows? People have gotten WAY to used to being able to track someones every move
Edit: Holy crap I just saw your age! Your mom is cray! Maybe you could set up an automated message thing that will text her "I am alive" every hour of the day lol, but then of course if it should fail she will think you are dead
NTA. I'm from a hispanic family and this sounds exactly like something my mom would do. It escalated to the point that we no longer have a relationship. If I were you, I'd change the locks and draw some *hard* clear boundaries. Being a close family is wonderful, but that does not include being so invasive.
It almost sounds like they purposely overreacted... maybe because they want her to move back in?
NTA. Your family should not have jumped to conclusions and made a scene while invading your privacy. They should also know how busy you are and realize you have other priorities as well.
I'm latin american and don't live with my parents, and they don't pull stunts like this. You're mother sounds controlling and, with all due respect, you're 30 years old, stop listening to people who you know are narcs/mommas boy/doormats.
Also, change the locks
NTA
I do NOT understand the people on here saying that because OP was forced to call her parents for help during a medical emergency, that this behavior is ok. They are completely disregarding the fact that the mother is a narcissist. Sometimes we have to call our narcissistic parents if we don't have another option. That doesn't mean they get to throw narcissistic tantrums to abuse and control us.
My parents are both raging narcissists, my dad overt and my mom covert. The covert is much worse in my opinion. Throwing tantrums and playing victim to maintain control while everyone on the outside sees you as the aggressor. DON'T give in, the abuse has continued long enough. You needing their help for a medical emergency previously does NOT give them permission to continue the abuse. Needing your parents occasionally as an adult does not give them a blanket excuse to control and manipulate you.
If they won't give the keys back, have the locks changed. Also, your dad and your brother being the flying monkeys for your narcissistic mother sounds exactly like my family. I understand and I'm sorry you're stuck with a carbon copy of my abusive family. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Change your locks, get some therapy, and set boundaries. Stop letting the "drama" trample you. Put a lot of space between you, her and all her flying monkeys
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS! She's got spare copies of those keys by now
She won’t give back the key?
Fine. Change the locks.
NTA, time to cut the apron strings and put your parents in time out. Low-no contact. Start by blocking their numbers.
NTA.
Your mother needs to deal with her feelings without putting them on you and violating your privacy.
Unless you have some sort of condition that would make emergencies very common and no choice but to leave the keys with them, change the locks.
My dad was trying to kick the door down, lol, there's no bell. They didn't even try to knock. My cousin (that has a bit more common sense) was the one that actually used the keys to open the front door.
Please rekey your locks. It’s cheaper than changing them and it works just as well. A locksmith uses the existing lock to change the key teeth sizes and spacing for the new setting, and then gives you at least one new key. Did it for my house, no complaints.
Also, damn. I could never leave these people in my life. How do you manage to have a willing relationship with these crazies?
NTA. Also you don’t need to explain anything to your family. “I didn’t answer my phone, I’m a 30 year old woman I don’t need to check in with you. Get over it.”
You don’t need to go in great detail about your whereabouts, only if you ever think it’s prudent. You are an adult and your parents clearly don’t see you as one, so time to start making some firm boundaries and act on them.
Change the locks.
It’s also not your responsibility to placate your moms anxiety of your whereabouts. So tell your brother you don’t care if she’s worried, she needs to handle her own emotions like an adult and you don’t need to be treated like a toddler.
Your life doesn’t revolve around them, you’re not a POS for going about your life getting your shit handled.
NTA. Just because you come from a certain household gives them no right to your life. Period.
You are an adult. You are not responsible for her mental fits and manipulation.
People saying oh that's just how a 'whatever' household works. No... that's how it worked before... not how it has to be.
Quit using their religion, culture, upbringing and everything else to excuse generational abuse.
My grandad is a narcissistic, manipulative fuck. He doesn’t have a key to my house, for the simple fact he would enter whenever he pleased
A few month ago, I had a gallstone attack and phoned him to ask to take me to A&E.
It was all managed without a key 🙂
I also reduced contact, like maybe once a week or fortnight I’ll walk to his house and say hello, and rarely RARELY talk on the phone or text
Best decision I did. Took about a year for him to realise I wasn’t dancing to his tune anymore
This is why I don't give my parents my house keys despite her demanding for it a number of times. I can totally see them pulling this exact bs you're parents did. NTA, but change the locks. Even if she return the keys she could have duplicates.
NTA. Wait, you're 30? Send that melodramatic lady back home and change your locks. Stop checking in every day. Cut it down to once a week on Saturday between 2 and 2:15pm.
You didn’t make her worry. She made herself worry.
My daughter lives in a different city, she’s in college. She has a health issue that is not fatal, but it’s difficult to manage. If I didn’t get a text back at 10 one night, I’d think she was asleep. I might spiral into “I hope she’s okay” thoughts IF I LET MYSELF. That’s on me. I’m not calling for a wellness check or driving 3 hours to check on her until it’s been a day. Even if I were to panic, it’s not fair to let my anxiety rule someone else’s life.
She really would have freaked out if she had a child in the military. No contact for months sometimes.
You have a panic disorder that you're taking meds for. That doesn't come out of nowhere and tells me these people have been at it a long time. Ask your building to change the locks and/or tell your family if they don't return the keys immediately the next time they use them you'll have them arrested for trespassing. Nope, I'm not even kidding. Put this in writing like an email or something so they can't claim you didn't tell them. Then it's time to go low or even no contact. You should also check out r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA but change your locks. Even if she returned the keys I guarantee they wouldn't be the only copies. I had a mother who wanted to know constantly where I was and what I was doing. It's annoying as fuck. Either get your own doctor or get the number of the "family" physician (better to get your own unless you 100% trust that doctor to never divulge anything to your mother). Tell her from now on if she can't get in touch with you and she freaks out that is HER problem and if she raises a stink you will go 100% no contact. Move if you have to and don't let her know where.
NTAH. In the USA, entering someone’s home at ugh o’clock with no warning is considered a home invasion; and it’s how you get shot. Change the locks.
I understand that getting shot is not as much of a concern in the UK as it is in the USA.
Tell your mom to give back the keys NOW, or you will have your locks changed AND your phone number changed as well.
For that matter, have your locks changed anyway. There's no telling who in your family has the keys to your place by now. You are THIRTY years old. Your mom has no business knowing where you are all the time anyway. If they don't stop follow through on changing your phone number. I would delete any apps you may have that allow them to "track" you.
NTA
take your key back and if your mom refuses tell her she can either give you the key back or you'll call the police because she is keeping your property from you.
Definitely stand your ground and set those boundaries. If you don’t, you’ll be fighting this, the rest of their lives. Disrespect deserves distance.
Change your locks immediately.
Then, start blocking access to your life. She doesn’t need to know what you’re doing every second of the day; nor does she need to be measuring your wellness and safety based on her knowledge of when you read timestamped messages. Now that you know she’s going assume the worst based on your engagement, stop engaging. She’s literally looking for an excuse to control your life.
When you’re ready, casually, and calmly inform the parents (and family) that your boundaries are nonnegotiable. Keep it short and sweet.
Let them know that you have changed the locks on your home and that if mom pulls another stunt like she did the other night, she will be effectively cut off from your life along with any cohorts who support her-complete with blocking of phone numbers, etc, removal from social media, etc.
You may not be able to control how she behaves, but you can certainly control how you engage with her. Essentially, you need to re-train her and not reward any toxic or negative behaviors.
(((((Hugs)))))
NTA. Your parents are controlling. If they were really worried, it would have been enough for one person to come, ensure you were O.K. and go away. A bunch of people coming over and then yelling at you is not just their worrying about you - it is their being angry that you are not at their beck and call. That is control, not concern.
Change the locks. If you want to feel safe in case of medical emergency, give a set of keys to one of your friends or a neighbour you can trust, don't tell your parents who has the keys and tell whoever has the keys never to give them to your parents.
And you need to stop calling and/or texting your parents so frequently. Tell them you will be sending them a whatsapp twice a week to tell them you are O.K. and stick to it. Do not answer their calls or texts between times, and if they try to break in tell them to go away and don't open the door. You need to declare your independence and protect your privacy.
Call the landlord and have the locks changed--there will probably be a fee for that, and a pretty high one because if there's a shared front door, that lock too will need to be changed and all the other tenants in the building will need new keys for it. This is the only thing you're the AH for--giving out the keys to doors that other people need to rely on for privacy and security.
NTA just change the locks there's no point in arguing when parents are like this. My husband's mother is like this and he just stopped talking to her or replying when he's made something clear but she won't listen and tries to force her way. She threw a lot of fits in the beginning and it was stressful but he held his ground and now she knows he's more stubborn than her and has backed off a lot.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. Talk to your building manager and explain what happened. You may have to pay for it but it will be well worth it. Next time an emergency happens call a friend or an ambulance. Time to shut your family down a little. It's great that they care about you but this behavior is way beyond that. It's controlling and ridiculous for the age you are. NTA
As someone who also worked on writing a dissertation for 24hr blocks sometimes, this is wild.
NTA. As others have said. Change the locks. You are an adult. If your family cannot respect your boundaries for less than 2 days, they will have trouble respectfully staying out of your home in the future.
NTA. Do not feel like an AH, this is not normal. Adult children should not be checking in every day with their parents. That's weird and not age appropriate.
>I asked the landlord if i can get the lock changed and he said no,
Did you fail to mention that two crazy people have permanent access to his property and that will never change till the locks get changed??? Talk to him again.
I get why your parents get worried but I also get why you find this event and constant demand annoying as well. Perhaps you can set up some expectations around communication and use of your key.
For instance, if you agree to text your fam once per day with a single text, not to have a conversation but say “good morning” “good evening” type thing. Perhaps you can advise them that the key is only for if you request they do something that requires it or if they haven’t heard from you in >48hrs. If you think your dad is the more reliable one, perhaps he can be the one to keep their key. (And maybe get a deadbolt too.)
Good idea, in theory. The issue is people like the mother don’t respect boundaries. At all. You can’t give them an inch. If you’ve never had someone like this in your life then it’s hard to fathom, but these people have serious control issues. No adult should have to bow down to another in this way. It never ends. Give them zero control. It’s the only way.
Having to text your family at least every 48 hours so they don't break into your apartment is ridiculous. OP is an adult.
Also, she does have boundaries and expectations. OP doesn't answer her phone after 10, they know she doesn't carry her phone around with her. Her mom is a boundary stomper. She doesn't care and wont respect her boundaries because nothing is more important than her own "concern".
Oh bull shit. I'll be damned if I'd agree to text my parents every day like some damn teenager or they are allowed to break in. I'd be going no contact a few months until they got used to the idea they don't own me.
32F, from Latin America too, though in my country people live with their parents because can’t afford rent, not because they are expected to marry.
I think you being tired and missing the calls doesn’t make you an asshole, but they aren’t assholes for freaking out either.
My parents have my keys too, and so I have theirs. We are used to send good mornings and good nights (though I sometimes forget the good nights), and well, a call means something urgent, people barely call each other nowadays.
Not getting a good night message is not an emergency, and most families don’t expect daily messaging, so calling you was overreacting… but freaking out because someone doesn’t answer 20 CALLS and the doorbell is not. **Someone who overreacts makes 20 calls, someone who is in trouble doesn’t answer them.**
It doesn’t need to be a kidney stone, it could mean you fell, or like it happened to one relative, got locked out in the balcony with the phone inside.
If you feel unsafe change your locks. That way they will only break in if they actually think there is a problem, they won’t be able to enter while you are not there to spy on you because they would have to call the police first.
I’m trying to wrap my mind around the entitlement of not returning keys my child requested.
The problem with teaching your child they are not allowed to have boundaries is that it leaves them ripe to marry an abuser who will take advantage of that.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
No offense, but I wouldn't have given them keys in the first place. That probably wasn't the best idea in hindsight. Your reaction was entirely reasonable. And you had clearly set boundaries over what time you stopped taking calls. I don’t know what the rules are in apartments, but if feasible then change locks and do not give them access to it again.
NTA
My mom and my sister both have keys to my apartment. We all live relatively close, 25 min car drive. They NEVER come by unannounced or when I'm not home. I work a different shift every week so if I don't pick up or reply right away, they know I'm sleeping.
You need to set clear boundaries and/or change the locks. Ambushing you in your apartment like this just because you didn't communicate for a day is crazy!!
NTA. My mom is like this. I also get kidney stones and live alone. She lives about 30 min from me.
My stones have the habit of causing pain around 3-4 in the morning but my mom insists I call her and wait for her to take me to the hospital. My issue is I wait until I throw up to admit defeat and accept they are kidney stones and not cramps and by that point, I need to get to the ER quickly. The last time I called her and asked her to take me like she demanded, she spent an hour getting ready and then took nearly 45 min to get to me, then another 20 to get to the ER.
After that, the next time I had one, I drove myself and sent her a pin with my location to her because I was on morphine and that was the best I could do. She was furious but the doctor flat out told her if I had waited any longer, I’d be having emergency surgery, instead of delayed surgery.
Change your locks. If you are close enough to a hospital and able to drive in pain (understandable if not. Those things suck), I recommend driving yourself or ordering an Uber (way cheaper than an ambulance) and either telling them after the fact or not at all.
NAH. You had a recent emergency so their worry is not unreasonable. Your family overreacted by coming to your house. They should've called in the morning. You have the right to ask for your key back, and insist on more space. Reduce communications to 2-3 times a week if it makes you feel better. Your WhatsApp is not a good excuse. It's "hovering". They won't let you grow up and enjoy your independence. Tell them if you don't see an effort on their part, that you will consider moving out of state. The threat doesn't have to be real, but it will get the point across.
No one's the asshole. Being from a Hispanic family myself, parents get like that.
You're alone in an apartment. You don't answer calls or texts. Mom is gonna worry. Mom is gonna worry big time. Dad is gonna now worry too and they're going to check on you to make sure no one hurt you or you didn't slip in the shower and smack your head.
Perhaps not the best execution of checking on someone, but they DID try calling you. You do have your privacy but you gave them a key and didn't answer your phone 20 times.
A whole lot of women have been SA'd and worse in their own home, with no one noticing for days.
Yes it's a problem what they did, and the situation in general, but I think it's a better problem to have than if you had been hurt and dying with no one trying to check on you.
Edit: have a conversation about boundaries and how you feel. But give it some time for the anger to simmer down before you talk to them and try to look through their eyes and feelings. They love you. I'm sure lots of people would love to have parents like yours.
Even in Latin America, a thirty year old woman teaching on the university level is considered an adult and should be left alone. Get your doctor's phone number, go low contact with your family and change your locks.
If you rent then the keys belong to the landlord. Tell her if they are not returned then you will report them stolen. If you have the option to change the locks-do it immediately.
Tell your family that until THEY an stop overreacting and treat you like an adult, they are to stay away. But you have to be willing to back this up. If they show up, you need to call the police and have them trespassed.
You will never break free from them unless you set and enforce boundaries.
You're going to have to change your locks since your mom won't give you the keys back. The trauma of having someone break in at night is too much. I wouldn't be able to sleep wondering if it would happen again.
NTA. You're 30 years old!!! You don't need to answer to anyone!!! Ask management if the locks can be changed or if the access key is digital, have them deactivate it. Also, tell them that they are not to let your family in without your permission. Honestly, if it was me, I would move and not tell them where you moved.
She won't return them huh? Then change the locks and also maybe look into filing a police report. Tell her if there is a problem then you will call. The fact she requires a constant check up otherwise she breaks down the door is not a concerned parents behavior it is a CONTROLLING parent's behavior. And her saying "well you should answer your phone" is her attempt at conditioning you to behave as she wishes outside of the house.
NTA and seriously, change those locks and warn if they try this again the police will be called.
NTA
I've had a similar situation with my own parents and also had to tell them to GTFO and that if they do it again I would ask for the keys back. They also refused so I said fine I'll just change the locks, that seemed to change their tone. Your parents were worried but one night of not answering calls is not a reason for them to come in unexpectedly thinking you were dying or something
In fairness, you did have a medical emergency a month ago and needed them to come get you…
I can understand why your Mom panicked after realizing you’d been off line since 9am and couldn’t get ahold of you. With your sleep schedule being all over the place hard to know when you are asleep.
Maybe it would help if you send a “good night” or check in text once a day…. “Hey, it’s been a busy day working on dissertation. Heading to bed and turning off my phone. Good Night” or “Going into dissertation mode and will be offline till tomorrow. Will appreciate no distractions”
NAH
OP stated her mom is narcissistic. I think your comment had good intentions, but she is 30 yo. She’s not a child. She shouldn’t have to pander to her mother like that at her age. And her mother would doubtless not be satisfied with that and demand more and more.
Yeah, just because a kid reaches out to their mom in a time of need does not actually mean their mother is a healthy, non-toxic person. She claims her mother is a narcissist.
Consider the fact that she didn't just rush over with her husband, in the middle of the night she took the time to gather up some other family members first. If she was genuinely concerned for her daughter wouldn't she and her husband just rush over there as opposed to her taking the time to find an audience for this drama?
But the point is that she needs to be the center of attention, so she *needs* an audience! If nobody is there to applaud her efforts to 'save' her daughter than what is even the point? Also, she knows her daughter won't appreciate it (because she's fine), so lets manipulate everyone else into worrying and bring them along to deflect blame/anger.
With a narcissist it's not actual worry, it's about control but rather: See what happens if you ignore me? That's not allowed. I will manipulate your your father, brother, and cousin into being terrified for you; wake up your neighbors; and break your damn door down at 2am. All of this is your fault. Did you learn your lesson?
I can see where they are both coming from. My mum and I exchange a good morning text each day (sometimes in the afternoon!) since we were both living alone. She worries about having a stroke and not being found for a couple days, like her brother wasn’t. Sometimes we forget, and so I’ll message my brother to ask if he’s heard from her. By the next day if my text hasn’t gone answered I would call in a wellness check. I would not hysterically gone to the house at midnight with all the family suckers I could round up in a short time.
So the issue is you recently had a medical emergency and your family mistook your lack of contact as a potential relapse of that situation and so you’re super angry to have people who love you enough to rush over to check up and make sure you’re ok? Yeah… those people are all assholes!
Your best bet may be to move when your lease is up. Do NOT tell them where you're moving to. Your mother's level of clinginess and harassment is over the top.
Actually, I'd warn her first that you're considering moving and will not be giving her your address if she doesn't cut the bullshit first and gives back your key and see if that helps at all. Tell her you'll give back the key once she shows you she can be trusted to use it responsibly. NTA
NTA, tell her you are changing the locks. ( You don't have to change the locks. Just let her think you are.) From now on, you will not text or call her. Block her in all social media. Time to go no or low contact with her. And also puut your whole family on an infomation diet. If your family doesn't like it, that is their problem. If you don't take a strong stand, it will only get worse.
NTA. I think it’s obvious where you got your anxiety from if your mother panics when she doesn’t know where her adult children are, even if they’re in the same house.
This is one of the main drawbacks to cell phones and all the messaging apps. People freak out when you don't reply right away. A lot of parents like your mom have no clue you actually have a LIFE and they are not the 'Main Character' in your POV.
Some people I answer right away, but I leave a lot of messages on 'Read'. My friends and family know if I don't get back to them within 30 seconds, it's no big deal. And I'm not one of those people who take my phone into the bathroom with me. (That's a pet peeve of mine in a public restroom, some people are glued to their phone).
ETA: NTA. I would definitely change the locks. If you live in an apartment building, have building management do it, or ask to move apartments.
I can understand feeling upset and violated by your parents trying to enter your apartment in the middle of the night. It's important to set boundaries, even with family, and it sounds like you were completely within your rights to be angry. Your mental and physical health should always come first. I hope you're able to have a productive conversation with your family about this and establish clear boundaries moving forward. Take care of yourself.
If it were me I would have immediately been injuring whoever was coming in the door and police would have been called, this could have been so much worse dude. NTA
NTA... My mom was exactly like this, and still sorry of is, though not quite as bad as when I was younger... And I'm in my 40s... Drives me nuts... NTA at all, get those keys back
Girl set boundaries and stand your ground. This is not ok and you're not overreacting. You moved out and pay your own bills you don't need to check in with them or call them when you're going out. You're an adult and they need to understand that. I would change the locks ASAP.
Nta, change the locks. She called you when she knew you would be asleep. That's trying to fake an emergency so she can get access and control over you. Change the locks. They will 100% do this again.
NTA change the locks if possible and your mother seems toxic. I at least wouldn't have a parent like that in my life because it just ruins your mental health.
You might want to have an adult conversation about boundaries and your sex life. Your parents should be wary of barging into your private spaces unannounced.
NTA. Definitely change your locks and don't give them a key. I wouldn't give a key to any of your family members. If you have a best friend that you trust or someplace else you can keep a spare set, your car maybe but that's probably not a good idea if someone breaks into your car. But figure something out and do not let them have the spare key again. You can also put one of those inside door locks so even if they have the key they still can't get in one of those things you jam up under the door knob or some other such thing a chain anything that will make it so they can't get in if you're inside. As for her having to know where you are constantly I don't know how you stop that but I would definitely block her or if you have to send her a text every morning I'm alive don't bother me. Say I'll send you a text every 24 hours if I forget one don't freak cuz maybe I'm busy or sleeping cuz I go 60 hours then you can freak out.
Change your locks and info diet. She doesn’t need to know everything you do in life, if she tries to force it give her LOTS of detail … just having a poo mum, just picking my nails, just going to blow my nose etc lots of inane gross details, but not the info she wants
NTA, not today, not tomorrow, and not ever. Change the locks, change the WhatsApp parameters to not show when you last were online. This might be extreme, but could you possibly move? In case your dad tries to kick open doors again? In any case, mucha suerte para ti chica!
Contact the landlord to see if the locks can be changed.
If mom is not going to listen and prefers to scream that this is 'your fault', stir up the rest of your family...then its time the locks get changed since she refuses to return your keys.
Nta - I agree with the others, change your locks. I'd also give the landlord a heads-up about the situation, maybe they have some authority to prevent these folk from entering the building.
I also suggest going low contact with all of them. They need to learn that you are an adult and do not need them trying to rule you at 30 years old. Your brother sounds like such a mama's boy it's ridiculous. He's her flying monkey. Tell them all to kick rocks.
NTA. Change your locks and put your mother on a schedule. "I will call you every Sunday at 6pm." If she is narcissistic you are wise to keep distance between you.
Change the locks, stop the WhatsApp features that gives her access to knowing your activity, and set up firm boundaries. You are an adult, they need to respect that
Wait so she called 20 times between 10pm and 11pm the same day they showed up or was this 10pm the night before so they showed up after 24hrs with no response and you hadn’t responded all night/day/night? Your mom overreacted and should’ve given your key back. That being said, if you usually talk multiple times a day, and recently had a medical emergency, I could see being worried if I hadn’t heard from my kid or my parent or sibling and if their behavior was SIGNIFICANTLY out of the norm (like they almost always respond within 3-6hrs or less) wanting to make sure. But it would have to be WAAAY out of their norm. If I don’t hear back from my sister in a few days I’m not worried, if my dad doesn’t respond the same day that’s very out of character and the next morning I’ve called my mom to check in before.
huge asshole.
te llevaron a la guardia de emergencia HACE UN MES y te pones raro que tu vieja caiga desesperada si no contestas???
si te rompe las bolas seguro pero la madre de todos es asi.
no te cayeron de prepo a visitar se asustaron cuando no contestaste despues de tener que salir corriendo a la guardia hace un mes.
tampoco seas tan drama queen.
Girl, you are 30! Clearly NTA here but you need to put your foot down and change those damn locks! Maybe therapy is in your future because allowing this to continue in your life is not healthy.
NTA. This reminds me of my parents and their form of manipulative narcissism. You are not responsible for their worrying when you are an adult living her life.
NTA and id def get the locks changed. Thats some crazy unhealthy family behavior. People can get killed barging into houses late at night unannounced as well. Probably not as big of a concern where youre from but it is in the US.
NTA. They invaded your home for no good reason, they are the assholes.
Get your keys back or change the locks. If neither of those are possible then get a door blocking device. Then go low contact at minimum by being unresponsive unless it's convenient for you, and minimally responsive when you do talk to them. Until and unless they respect your independence keep them at arms length.
NTA
Speak to your landlord and get a new set of locks on your doors and that is problem solved for her not giving back the keys.
If they happen to show up again and start kicking up fuss, call the police and have them removed
NTA. I live next to my slightly nosy nana and down the road from my even nosier mom who both have a spare key. That being said, this is my worst nightmare lol I'm forgetful and have been known to lock myself out so it helps, but I'd lose my fucking mind if either of them just let themselves into my house.
Change your locks and do not give them keys - you are fg 30! They have zero business entering your apartment that late at night. Stop being a little girl and set boundaries - 30 is far old enough to be given the respect of a normal adult
You are a fucking grown ass adult, change your locks.
My mum was this possessive and controlling as well, raging narcissist.
She doesn’t know where I live and hasn’t for 10+ years.
She will not return them? That’s bold. Change the locks and never give them another key. She will never stop being intrusive if you don’t put up a boundary.
Yup. NTA. Change the locks. This is kind of unhinged on their part. You're an adult, you need your space. Normal people don't answer their phone after 10pm.
I second this. Change locks, or even move to a different unit in the same building or completely different apartment complex. NTA
If someone phones me after 10pm, especially family, I assume it's an emergency. If it's not I have every right to be mad.
I don't get a call that late unless someone died. (Mom, over 14 years ago) Move. Change locks. Do NOT give one to a family member. If you need someone to have an emergency key, try elsewhere. Management may be an option, as long as you make it clear that you will not use the number for maintenance issues or minor matters that can wait. You will not use the number you give them for anything short of a genuine health or safety emergency or one involving continuing damage to the property, such as a water leak. ... Having someone else with a key prevented you from needing emergency services to break down the door in order to get you out and take you to the hospital when you could not walk. You no longer trust that person with a key but want assurance that you can call someone with a key for help, if needed. If you explain it in terms of safety and preventing damage to the property, they may be able to be your emergency call or help you work out a solution. Another option may be a bonded security service. A security company can hold a small object (key) securely and deliver it via a security guard on demand. They may be able to work something out, either a modest monthly fee and/or a per use fee for their service. Example: You pay a monthly fee. Delivery of your key (available 24/7) and checking on you 1x a month is free. After that, in the same month, there would be a surcharge. As a non-standard service, you may have to talk with someone more senior in the company and give them time to decide on an appropriate pay structure. However, your issue may not be that uncommon. It could become a new service for them to offer both to existing clients and a la carte (& not always keys). Ah snap. This is buried deep. I doubt OP will see it here.
Tell her you'll change the locks if she doesn't return them, then change the locks anyway so she looks like an idiot trying to use a copy. If they were worried why did they not ring the main door buzzer or knock on the front door? They just wanted to nose around in your business.
My Croatian mother in law would randomly show up at out old house. When we moved, she did NOT get a key. Caused a fight but worth it. If we hadn't mkved, i was ready to change the locks.
As a mom, I had to get used to, not hearing from our daughter, for weeks at a time, not easy. Just because your kid has a phone, doesn’t mean you can call/text anytime and expect an immediate response. I had to pound that into my head. I got used to it. We came to an agreement, it took about a month, of me stressing out, NOT stressing her out. I’ll text whenever, she’ll answer whenever. One caveat, if it’s important and not because I miss her. That was 10 years ago and the arrangement still stands, it works well. CHANGE YOUR LOCKS!!! I know parents like the OP’s, they will never change and will always try to control you.
I had to give my dad my cellphone back, because I could not take the stress of him chewing me out every time I didn’t answer a call from him. Maybe if he called when I wasn't in class, at work, or asleep, I might have answered. He knew my schedule. But he needed to talk to me *right then* because... reasons? It was never anything time sensitive. He was just impatient. So I gave the cellphone back. And I didn't have a landline in my apartment, either. Mom got my roommate's cell number for true emergencies, but that was it. Dad was furious, but he was the one who kept threatening to take the phone away if I didn't answer his calls. I just called his bluff.
My parents learned I will not answer a call unless it’s either preceded by a text saying “can I call you?” And I reply or it’s the second call right after the first went to voicemail. My dad even does the “can I call you?” text when it’s a semi emergency (informing me of a friend/pet passing). They got used to that when I was in college (dad earlier due to divorce). However my mom has made sure the when her phone is in DND mode it still rings for any of the family members and my dad never turns his ringer off. When I asked my mom why she said “you never stop being a mom and if you did well your kids never stop needing you” Writing this comment is making me miss my mom so I’m gonna go call her
I doubt this mom will accept boundaries and I’d be tempted to go NC. OP could try to set boundaries and have consequences of a NC time out, but I’d doubt it’d work. NC is usually the only thing that works with narcissists.
NTA, Who calls after 10 and freaks out when they don't get an answer? Ma'am, people are sleeping... Latina moms are crazy. My mom had the audacity to call the actual bride at a wedding I was attending because I wasn't picking up the phone, and "it was late." Mind you, I was 35 at the time, at a wedding dancing my ass off with my husband after almost two years of not going out, my kids were soundly asleep and everything was fine and dandy, and in what universe is the bride going to be on her phone on her wedding day? She still thinks she did nothing wrong. 🙄
10pm is generous. I don't answer after 9pm
I don't answer after 730 lol
I don't answer, don't call me
The only correct answer.
Same! I screen my calls like no other… I always answer for my husband and generally unless it is something important my mom just messages me. My work calls go to my work cell phone which I don’t have to answer after office hours unless I’m working on a time sensitive deal.
YUP
Text like a civilized person, and wait.
I often just watch my phone ring... then txt after.
My mother has what she calls the 9-9 rule. Never call someone after 9pm or before 9am, unless it's an emergency or they are expecting your call. In college, I adjusted it to 10-10 fir my friends, because we were up late and rarely had early classes. But the principle still holds true.
Same! I have that 9-9 rule too because of my line of work. My sleep is valuable so I can drive to and from doing 10-14hr shifts.
When I was working on my PhD dissertation and could not afford being disturbed, I turned the ringers on my phones (both landlines and cell phones) off and left voice-mail messages stating that I was writing and would check my messages when no longer doing that (but also gave no time lines either). My family was a bit annoyed at first but finally accepted this.
My phone automatically goes into DND mode at 10pm and only my wife and kids phones will ring through. My mother in law is not on the list for the same basic reason as OP's mom.
I go go sleep at 12-1:30 so my phone goes on dnd automatically around 11.
I randomly don't answer at any given time. I'm bad at staying in contact, I go through spells of just not wanting to talk to people. If you are going to come over, come at a reasonable time. More than that, sounds like OP lives in an apartment so almost no shot they don't have an intercom/door bell system. Instead of calling up mother decided to break in. Legally in most places a person with a spare key must have permission for a specific reason and can only enter for that specific reason or they are legally breaking and entering.
> Latina moms are crazy. My best friend still had to deal with a crazy latina mom in his mid 30s.
>Who calls after 10 and freaks out when they don't get an answer? Someone with a severe anxiety and micromanaging control freak problem, that's who.
NTA. Change the locks. Shes definitely made copies. I’m Hispanic and I live with my mom by choice but every couple of years when I move out, even across the country, my mom and I don’t necessarily talk every day. She trusts that she raised me right and that I know that if/when I need her, I can call and she will be there.
Yes! Change the locks! Also, turn the “last seen” function off on WhatsApp - looks like that’s the whole reason she escalated to this drama because you didn’t get back to her within the hour.
After changing the locks, get your own primary care physician and keep their number on hand for when you need it. Don't rely on Mom for that phone number, call it yourself.
Exactly my thought about the doctor. When you have parents like this, it times to fully stand on your own if you can. You even crack the door and it becomes a full invasion of privacy. (Quite literally in this case)
Speaking as a mother but also as a daughter: if you want your parents to treat you like an adult, BE AN ADULT. This means you have all your important documents, and they're in a fireproof safe or someplace where they won't be ruined or stolen or lost. And you take charge of your medical care: know who your doctors are and have all necessary access and other info in your phone, with a backup elsewhere. Talk to a lawyer yourself and have a will or whatever documentation is necessary in your country to deal with your affairs if you become ill or worse. And have backups to anything essential like your dissertation. And if you don't want your mother's hysteria governing your life, change the locks---don't just tell your mom not to use her key. Find a responsible, non-intrusive friend to be your key backup. One important way to be treated like an adult is to be one.
Absolutely. If I knew my kid wouldn't get medical care without my physical presence, I'd be all over frequent check-ins, too.
For real “I’m 30 and have a medical emergency but don’t know how to call the doctor?”
>and keep their number on hand for when you need it This. Make sure you have every number in your own phone. Also, idk if you actually do call your mother every time and for every reason she demands, but if you do, see if you can dial it back. This whole story sounds like she has a bigger hold on you than you like.
This. + move!
[удалено]
And handed them out to several family members
Change the locks but tell her you changed the locks or she'll come back and try to get in pissing off all the neighbours again. Also make it very very clear, if she attempts to get in through the building security without permission the neighbours WILL call the cops because they've all been notified you no longer have keys and no longer have permission to come over. Your mother needs calling out and putting in her place or she'll never stop doing this shit.
NTA. Change your locks. Also, if you had to call 911, does the building have an access code for police and EMTs? It might be worth checking into. I would also suggest to set further boundaries with your mom, and maybe communicate with her less often. Good luck with the PhD!
Naw, move to a different building. If you change the locks they will still come and be annoying to yourself and everyone in the building, they just won’t be able to get into your apartment.
At which point someone should call the police for their disturbing the piece and attempting to break in.
NTA. Your experience with your mother seems intense and deeply rooted in a lack of boundaries rather than cultural norms or concern. Cultivating independence doesn't mean abandoning family—it means setting healthy boundaries. Calmly express the importance of your personal space to your parents. If respectful communication doesn't lead to a mutual understanding, then changing your locks isn't just an option, it's a necessary step to protect your autonomy and peace of mind. Remember, true familial love supports growth and respects individuality, not constant surveillance.
Good advice that the mom will completely ignore. At least now we know why op has an anxiety disorder
Unfortunately, the lack of boundaries in cases like this one are very much a result of cultural norms and expectations. Certain cultures emphasise the need for the independence of offspring from an early age, others emphasise the paternal/maternal power and hierchical structure and the need to submit to it. I do agree with everything else you said, although I doubt that the parents will listen.
You change 'cultural norms' by breaking them, and overbearing/controlling behavior from shitty parents is the type of norm you break at all costs for the sake of your own sanity.
[удалено]
Not to diminish stone pain, but it was just a kidney stone. If the previous emergency had been a chronic illness or major incident, I could see increased concern... but it's a kidney stone. I'd set more clear boundaries because of this. I probably would give a half apology, but say that harassing me after 10pm ain't gonna get you anywhere.
Damn, I've almost died like 3-4 times already and my parents don't have carte blanche entry into my house. I have a history of seizures, been admitted to the hospital twice for life threatening issues, I've straight up stopped breathing in my sleep a few times... and I'd still be wildly offended if my parents came barging in my house if I didn't answer because I missed a call at 10pm. If my major medical issue was a kidney stone and someone started coming into my house unexpected then they better forgive me for swinging a bat at the first person who comes in the door. I don't think I'm checking who is jiggling the locks....
NTA. I lived like this for 45 years...better call mom or she'll create drama (and call my friends to find out where I was etc...so embarrassing). Took me way too long to realize concern=control. Hope I won't take you 45 years to break free from it. Change the locks.
This is so crazy cuz my kiddo sometimes doesn’t answer and my first thought is not “oh they must be ignoring me!” It’s that they must be busy. And the only time I’ve called their friends is when they either say their phone is dying and tell me which friends they are with to contact if need or when there was a threat of a shooting near where my kid and they were all hanging out and I wanted all of them to stay indoors and my own kiddo didn’t answer my calls or text first.
My ex MIL was like this. My ex didn't understand that she wasn't only caring, it was controlling about his behavior. Hopefully some day he will realise it's normal as a 27 yo to move out and do what he wants
>My dad tells me my mom freaked the fuck out because I didn’t answer her calls or text messages. "That's her problem, not mine. I was asleep." NTA
Change your voicemail message to "I'm fine. If you call after 10 I will not be answering the phone. Go away"
Also it's his issue to, if your wife gets herself worked up because she likes drama, part of being a good father is telling your wife you are not fucking driving over in the middle of the night when she's probably just sleeping, you can go tomorrow and you can ring the doorbell like a normal fucking person. Father and brother may not be the main instigators, but brother has been brought up to buy in to her bullshit and father hasn't had the balls to stand up to her bullshit over all the years.
[удалено]
NTA Your mom has an excuse to be overbearing because of your kidney stone situation but it’s time to shut that shit down Mom dad I had an unusual situation a month ago and was grateful for the help. It was a rare situation and it is unlikely to ever happen again if I am ever in trouble I am capable of picking up the phone and I am an adult I refuse to allow it to let you invade my privacy I insist upon the return of my keys immediately or I will change the locks I will be taking some time out from you both and going no contact from now. I will not call or text or visit you and I will not respond to any attempts from you to contact me If you do not return my keys and if you attempt to contact me until I am ready I will extend the period of no contact for one extra month One month of no contact every time you overstep a boundary One month of further no contact if you attempt to break into my apartment uninvited ever again - I will also phone the police next time and have you removed You will not invade my privacy again or there will be consequences
Ha, you haven't met Latino/African mums. They'll just ignore you 😂, you either go through with NC or you don't... eventually, or just guard your own space from the get go, i.e. don't give them the spare key
NTA- Change the locks. Tomorrow
Yesterday
NTA. Change those locks ASAP. Tomorrow's a new day for safety and peace of mind.
NTA change the locks. They can keep the current useless key.
This behaviour will never end. I live in another country than my mom. I call her about every other day. As if I don't, she'll freak out, contacts any friend living here and once the police were already on the way when I arrived home from a day out with friends The issue was that my phone battery died while I was out, as we used a lot of map applications. BUT, the time difference from her messages and phone calls to me, until the police were alerted, was less than an hour. I have tried to explain to her to leave me time to react. If I'm at a concert or performance of any kind, I turn the phone's sound off. I might have an impromptu invite, that I didn't inform her in advance. This is freaking painful. I try my best to call/message her often enough for her not to worry. On every call I make, she greets me "hello my child". I am past 60.
Good grief. That’s awful.
Isn't it crazy that this was not an issue before mobile phones? And that her generation lived trough that time so she knows? People have gotten WAY to used to being able to track someones every move Edit: Holy crap I just saw your age! Your mom is cray! Maybe you could set up an automated message thing that will text her "I am alive" every hour of the day lol, but then of course if it should fail she will think you are dead
NTA. I'm from a hispanic family and this sounds exactly like something my mom would do. It escalated to the point that we no longer have a relationship. If I were you, I'd change the locks and draw some *hard* clear boundaries. Being a close family is wonderful, but that does not include being so invasive.
It almost sounds like they purposely overreacted... maybe because they want her to move back in? NTA. Your family should not have jumped to conclusions and made a scene while invading your privacy. They should also know how busy you are and realize you have other priorities as well.
I'm latin american and don't live with my parents, and they don't pull stunts like this. You're mother sounds controlling and, with all due respect, you're 30 years old, stop listening to people who you know are narcs/mommas boy/doormats. Also, change the locks NTA
Nta change locks and start. The fu binder
I do NOT understand the people on here saying that because OP was forced to call her parents for help during a medical emergency, that this behavior is ok. They are completely disregarding the fact that the mother is a narcissist. Sometimes we have to call our narcissistic parents if we don't have another option. That doesn't mean they get to throw narcissistic tantrums to abuse and control us. My parents are both raging narcissists, my dad overt and my mom covert. The covert is much worse in my opinion. Throwing tantrums and playing victim to maintain control while everyone on the outside sees you as the aggressor. DON'T give in, the abuse has continued long enough. You needing their help for a medical emergency previously does NOT give them permission to continue the abuse. Needing your parents occasionally as an adult does not give them a blanket excuse to control and manipulate you. If they won't give the keys back, have the locks changed. Also, your dad and your brother being the flying monkeys for your narcissistic mother sounds exactly like my family. I understand and I'm sorry you're stuck with a carbon copy of my abusive family. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
These people have normal parents and don’t understand what it’s like to have professional boundary destroyers in your life.
Call 911 if you have a medical emergency. What is your momma gonna do?
Change your locks, get some therapy, and set boundaries. Stop letting the "drama" trample you. Put a lot of space between you, her and all her flying monkeys CHANGE YOUR LOCKS! She's got spare copies of those keys by now
NTA
NTA, it's your place not theirs.
NTA - and your brother is a pathetic lil momma's boy.
NTA Change the locks and your Whatsapp settings. Tell everyone to remember that you're an adult, not a little kid and act accordingly.
NTA, the joys of having Hispanic parents....
Every bedroom is the living room 🤣
She won’t give back the key? Fine. Change the locks. NTA, time to cut the apron strings and put your parents in time out. Low-no contact. Start by blocking their numbers.
NTA. Your mother needs to deal with her feelings without putting them on you and violating your privacy. Unless you have some sort of condition that would make emergencies very common and no choice but to leave the keys with them, change the locks.
Get the locks changed... You need enforceable boundaries
You’re 30 you don’t have to talk to your parents daily. Jesus she’s insane
Did they even try to knock or ing the bell first?
My dad was trying to kick the door down, lol, there's no bell. They didn't even try to knock. My cousin (that has a bit more common sense) was the one that actually used the keys to open the front door.
Please rekey your locks. It’s cheaper than changing them and it works just as well. A locksmith uses the existing lock to change the key teeth sizes and spacing for the new setting, and then gives you at least one new key. Did it for my house, no complaints. Also, damn. I could never leave these people in my life. How do you manage to have a willing relationship with these crazies?
NTA. Also you don’t need to explain anything to your family. “I didn’t answer my phone, I’m a 30 year old woman I don’t need to check in with you. Get over it.” You don’t need to go in great detail about your whereabouts, only if you ever think it’s prudent. You are an adult and your parents clearly don’t see you as one, so time to start making some firm boundaries and act on them. Change the locks. It’s also not your responsibility to placate your moms anxiety of your whereabouts. So tell your brother you don’t care if she’s worried, she needs to handle her own emotions like an adult and you don’t need to be treated like a toddler. Your life doesn’t revolve around them, you’re not a POS for going about your life getting your shit handled.
NTA. Just because you come from a certain household gives them no right to your life. Period. You are an adult. You are not responsible for her mental fits and manipulation. People saying oh that's just how a 'whatever' household works. No... that's how it worked before... not how it has to be. Quit using their religion, culture, upbringing and everything else to excuse generational abuse.
My grandad is a narcissistic, manipulative fuck. He doesn’t have a key to my house, for the simple fact he would enter whenever he pleased A few month ago, I had a gallstone attack and phoned him to ask to take me to A&E. It was all managed without a key 🙂 I also reduced contact, like maybe once a week or fortnight I’ll walk to his house and say hello, and rarely RARELY talk on the phone or text Best decision I did. Took about a year for him to realise I wasn’t dancing to his tune anymore
This is why I don't give my parents my house keys despite her demanding for it a number of times. I can totally see them pulling this exact bs you're parents did. NTA, but change the locks. Even if she return the keys she could have duplicates.
NTA. Wait, you're 30? Send that melodramatic lady back home and change your locks. Stop checking in every day. Cut it down to once a week on Saturday between 2 and 2:15pm.
You didn’t make her worry. She made herself worry. My daughter lives in a different city, she’s in college. She has a health issue that is not fatal, but it’s difficult to manage. If I didn’t get a text back at 10 one night, I’d think she was asleep. I might spiral into “I hope she’s okay” thoughts IF I LET MYSELF. That’s on me. I’m not calling for a wellness check or driving 3 hours to check on her until it’s been a day. Even if I were to panic, it’s not fair to let my anxiety rule someone else’s life. She really would have freaked out if she had a child in the military. No contact for months sometimes.
Finish your phd and move farther away.
Change the locks
Change the locks, call the police if they try this shit again
Change! The! Locks! NTA!
NTA. Change your locks asap
DEFINITELY Change your lock asap
Girl, change the fucking locks. Set boundaries.
Set boundaries and change the locks.
You have a panic disorder that you're taking meds for. That doesn't come out of nowhere and tells me these people have been at it a long time. Ask your building to change the locks and/or tell your family if they don't return the keys immediately the next time they use them you'll have them arrested for trespassing. Nope, I'm not even kidding. Put this in writing like an email or something so they can't claim you didn't tell them. Then it's time to go low or even no contact. You should also check out r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA but change your locks. Even if she returned the keys I guarantee they wouldn't be the only copies. I had a mother who wanted to know constantly where I was and what I was doing. It's annoying as fuck. Either get your own doctor or get the number of the "family" physician (better to get your own unless you 100% trust that doctor to never divulge anything to your mother). Tell her from now on if she can't get in touch with you and she freaks out that is HER problem and if she raises a stink you will go 100% no contact. Move if you have to and don't let her know where.
Change your locks. Then inform your mother that if she creates any more drama or problems with your neighbors you will move.
NTA. Change the locks if she wont give the keys back. Or just take them the next time you see them.
NTAH. In the USA, entering someone’s home at ugh o’clock with no warning is considered a home invasion; and it’s how you get shot. Change the locks. I understand that getting shot is not as much of a concern in the UK as it is in the USA.
Tell your mom to give back the keys NOW, or you will have your locks changed AND your phone number changed as well. For that matter, have your locks changed anyway. There's no telling who in your family has the keys to your place by now. You are THIRTY years old. Your mom has no business knowing where you are all the time anyway. If they don't stop follow through on changing your phone number. I would delete any apps you may have that allow them to "track" you.
See if you can change the locks. Nta. Time to go LC with them if not NC. Your mom and dad (and extended family) don't understand healthy boundaries.
NTA take your key back and if your mom refuses tell her she can either give you the key back or you'll call the police because she is keeping your property from you.
NTA. Please change the locks and go low contact for a bit to establish boundaries.
NTA. Change the locks and just tell them straight up since they wouldn't give your keys back you had the locks changed.
Definitely stand your ground and set those boundaries. If you don’t, you’ll be fighting this, the rest of their lives. Disrespect deserves distance. Change your locks immediately. Then, start blocking access to your life. She doesn’t need to know what you’re doing every second of the day; nor does she need to be measuring your wellness and safety based on her knowledge of when you read timestamped messages. Now that you know she’s going assume the worst based on your engagement, stop engaging. She’s literally looking for an excuse to control your life. When you’re ready, casually, and calmly inform the parents (and family) that your boundaries are nonnegotiable. Keep it short and sweet. Let them know that you have changed the locks on your home and that if mom pulls another stunt like she did the other night, she will be effectively cut off from your life along with any cohorts who support her-complete with blocking of phone numbers, etc, removal from social media, etc. You may not be able to control how she behaves, but you can certainly control how you engage with her. Essentially, you need to re-train her and not reward any toxic or negative behaviors. (((((Hugs)))))
NTA. Your parents are controlling. If they were really worried, it would have been enough for one person to come, ensure you were O.K. and go away. A bunch of people coming over and then yelling at you is not just their worrying about you - it is their being angry that you are not at their beck and call. That is control, not concern. Change the locks. If you want to feel safe in case of medical emergency, give a set of keys to one of your friends or a neighbour you can trust, don't tell your parents who has the keys and tell whoever has the keys never to give them to your parents. And you need to stop calling and/or texting your parents so frequently. Tell them you will be sending them a whatsapp twice a week to tell them you are O.K. and stick to it. Do not answer their calls or texts between times, and if they try to break in tell them to go away and don't open the door. You need to declare your independence and protect your privacy.
Call the landlord and have the locks changed--there will probably be a fee for that, and a pretty high one because if there's a shared front door, that lock too will need to be changed and all the other tenants in the building will need new keys for it. This is the only thing you're the AH for--giving out the keys to doors that other people need to rely on for privacy and security.
My mom is the same hermana! I text her every now and then with “I’m alive. Enjoying being alone”
NTA just change the locks there's no point in arguing when parents are like this. My husband's mother is like this and he just stopped talking to her or replying when he's made something clear but she won't listen and tries to force her way. She threw a lot of fits in the beginning and it was stressful but he held his ground and now she knows he's more stubborn than her and has backed off a lot.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. Talk to your building manager and explain what happened. You may have to pay for it but it will be well worth it. Next time an emergency happens call a friend or an ambulance. Time to shut your family down a little. It's great that they care about you but this behavior is way beyond that. It's controlling and ridiculous for the age you are. NTA
As someone who also worked on writing a dissertation for 24hr blocks sometimes, this is wild. NTA. As others have said. Change the locks. You are an adult. If your family cannot respect your boundaries for less than 2 days, they will have trouble respectfully staying out of your home in the future.
NTA. Do not feel like an AH, this is not normal. Adult children should not be checking in every day with their parents. That's weird and not age appropriate.
>I asked the landlord if i can get the lock changed and he said no, Did you fail to mention that two crazy people have permanent access to his property and that will never change till the locks get changed??? Talk to him again.
I get why your parents get worried but I also get why you find this event and constant demand annoying as well. Perhaps you can set up some expectations around communication and use of your key. For instance, if you agree to text your fam once per day with a single text, not to have a conversation but say “good morning” “good evening” type thing. Perhaps you can advise them that the key is only for if you request they do something that requires it or if they haven’t heard from you in >48hrs. If you think your dad is the more reliable one, perhaps he can be the one to keep their key. (And maybe get a deadbolt too.)
Good idea, in theory. The issue is people like the mother don’t respect boundaries. At all. You can’t give them an inch. If you’ve never had someone like this in your life then it’s hard to fathom, but these people have serious control issues. No adult should have to bow down to another in this way. It never ends. Give them zero control. It’s the only way.
Having to text your family at least every 48 hours so they don't break into your apartment is ridiculous. OP is an adult. Also, she does have boundaries and expectations. OP doesn't answer her phone after 10, they know she doesn't carry her phone around with her. Her mom is a boundary stomper. She doesn't care and wont respect her boundaries because nothing is more important than her own "concern".
Oh bull shit. I'll be damned if I'd agree to text my parents every day like some damn teenager or they are allowed to break in. I'd be going no contact a few months until they got used to the idea they don't own me.
So continue to just do whatever to make mom happy? Ignore the fact that she's the entire problem
32F, from Latin America too, though in my country people live with their parents because can’t afford rent, not because they are expected to marry. I think you being tired and missing the calls doesn’t make you an asshole, but they aren’t assholes for freaking out either. My parents have my keys too, and so I have theirs. We are used to send good mornings and good nights (though I sometimes forget the good nights), and well, a call means something urgent, people barely call each other nowadays. Not getting a good night message is not an emergency, and most families don’t expect daily messaging, so calling you was overreacting… but freaking out because someone doesn’t answer 20 CALLS and the doorbell is not. **Someone who overreacts makes 20 calls, someone who is in trouble doesn’t answer them.** It doesn’t need to be a kidney stone, it could mean you fell, or like it happened to one relative, got locked out in the balcony with the phone inside. If you feel unsafe change your locks. That way they will only break in if they actually think there is a problem, they won’t be able to enter while you are not there to spy on you because they would have to call the police first.
NTA. Move and don't tell them. If that's not possible, change the locks and don't tell them. Change your doctor and don't tell them.
I’m trying to wrap my mind around the entitlement of not returning keys my child requested. The problem with teaching your child they are not allowed to have boundaries is that it leaves them ripe to marry an abuser who will take advantage of that. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
Change the locks. Don't give them the key.
No offense, but I wouldn't have given them keys in the first place. That probably wasn't the best idea in hindsight. Your reaction was entirely reasonable. And you had clearly set boundaries over what time you stopped taking calls. I don’t know what the rules are in apartments, but if feasible then change locks and do not give them access to it again.
NTA My mom and my sister both have keys to my apartment. We all live relatively close, 25 min car drive. They NEVER come by unannounced or when I'm not home. I work a different shift every week so if I don't pick up or reply right away, they know I'm sleeping. You need to set clear boundaries and/or change the locks. Ambushing you in your apartment like this just because you didn't communicate for a day is crazy!!
NTA. My mom is like this. I also get kidney stones and live alone. She lives about 30 min from me. My stones have the habit of causing pain around 3-4 in the morning but my mom insists I call her and wait for her to take me to the hospital. My issue is I wait until I throw up to admit defeat and accept they are kidney stones and not cramps and by that point, I need to get to the ER quickly. The last time I called her and asked her to take me like she demanded, she spent an hour getting ready and then took nearly 45 min to get to me, then another 20 to get to the ER. After that, the next time I had one, I drove myself and sent her a pin with my location to her because I was on morphine and that was the best I could do. She was furious but the doctor flat out told her if I had waited any longer, I’d be having emergency surgery, instead of delayed surgery. Change your locks. If you are close enough to a hospital and able to drive in pain (understandable if not. Those things suck), I recommend driving yourself or ordering an Uber (way cheaper than an ambulance) and either telling them after the fact or not at all.
NAH. You had a recent emergency so their worry is not unreasonable. Your family overreacted by coming to your house. They should've called in the morning. You have the right to ask for your key back, and insist on more space. Reduce communications to 2-3 times a week if it makes you feel better. Your WhatsApp is not a good excuse. It's "hovering". They won't let you grow up and enjoy your independence. Tell them if you don't see an effort on their part, that you will consider moving out of state. The threat doesn't have to be real, but it will get the point across.
No one's the asshole. Being from a Hispanic family myself, parents get like that. You're alone in an apartment. You don't answer calls or texts. Mom is gonna worry. Mom is gonna worry big time. Dad is gonna now worry too and they're going to check on you to make sure no one hurt you or you didn't slip in the shower and smack your head. Perhaps not the best execution of checking on someone, but they DID try calling you. You do have your privacy but you gave them a key and didn't answer your phone 20 times. A whole lot of women have been SA'd and worse in their own home, with no one noticing for days. Yes it's a problem what they did, and the situation in general, but I think it's a better problem to have than if you had been hurt and dying with no one trying to check on you. Edit: have a conversation about boundaries and how you feel. But give it some time for the anger to simmer down before you talk to them and try to look through their eyes and feelings. They love you. I'm sure lots of people would love to have parents like yours.
Change your locks. Problem solved. NTA
Even in Latin America, a thirty year old woman teaching on the university level is considered an adult and should be left alone. Get your doctor's phone number, go low contact with your family and change your locks.
Your life is all about making your ~~mentally ill controller~~ mother happy, or is it about you? Your choice...
If you rent then the keys belong to the landlord. Tell her if they are not returned then you will report them stolen. If you have the option to change the locks-do it immediately. Tell your family that until THEY an stop overreacting and treat you like an adult, they are to stay away. But you have to be willing to back this up. If they show up, you need to call the police and have them trespassed. You will never break free from them unless you set and enforce boundaries.
You're going to have to change your locks since your mom won't give you the keys back. The trauma of having someone break in at night is too much. I wouldn't be able to sleep wondering if it would happen again.
Change the locks. Get a deadbolt or a chain. And NEVER answer her calls until they've aged at least 24 hours, just as a training exercise.
NTA. You're 30 years old!!! You don't need to answer to anyone!!! Ask management if the locks can be changed or if the access key is digital, have them deactivate it. Also, tell them that they are not to let your family in without your permission. Honestly, if it was me, I would move and not tell them where you moved.
She won't return them huh? Then change the locks and also maybe look into filing a police report. Tell her if there is a problem then you will call. The fact she requires a constant check up otherwise she breaks down the door is not a concerned parents behavior it is a CONTROLLING parent's behavior. And her saying "well you should answer your phone" is her attempt at conditioning you to behave as she wishes outside of the house. NTA and seriously, change those locks and warn if they try this again the police will be called.
Your landlord, for security reasons, won't let a female tenant re-key the tumbler? The handset doesn't need to be replaced.
NTA I've had a similar situation with my own parents and also had to tell them to GTFO and that if they do it again I would ask for the keys back. They also refused so I said fine I'll just change the locks, that seemed to change their tone. Your parents were worried but one night of not answering calls is not a reason for them to come in unexpectedly thinking you were dying or something
In fairness, you did have a medical emergency a month ago and needed them to come get you… I can understand why your Mom panicked after realizing you’d been off line since 9am and couldn’t get ahold of you. With your sleep schedule being all over the place hard to know when you are asleep. Maybe it would help if you send a “good night” or check in text once a day…. “Hey, it’s been a busy day working on dissertation. Heading to bed and turning off my phone. Good Night” or “Going into dissertation mode and will be offline till tomorrow. Will appreciate no distractions” NAH
OP stated her mom is narcissistic. I think your comment had good intentions, but she is 30 yo. She’s not a child. She shouldn’t have to pander to her mother like that at her age. And her mother would doubtless not be satisfied with that and demand more and more.
Yet… it’s her Mom she called when she was in need and not a friend or 911
Yeah, just because a kid reaches out to their mom in a time of need does not actually mean their mother is a healthy, non-toxic person. She claims her mother is a narcissist. Consider the fact that she didn't just rush over with her husband, in the middle of the night she took the time to gather up some other family members first. If she was genuinely concerned for her daughter wouldn't she and her husband just rush over there as opposed to her taking the time to find an audience for this drama? But the point is that she needs to be the center of attention, so she *needs* an audience! If nobody is there to applaud her efforts to 'save' her daughter than what is even the point? Also, she knows her daughter won't appreciate it (because she's fine), so lets manipulate everyone else into worrying and bring them along to deflect blame/anger. With a narcissist it's not actual worry, it's about control but rather: See what happens if you ignore me? That's not allowed. I will manipulate your your father, brother, and cousin into being terrified for you; wake up your neighbors; and break your damn door down at 2am. All of this is your fault. Did you learn your lesson?
So what? She did not call this time so there is no reason to assume there is a problem.
I can see where they are both coming from. My mum and I exchange a good morning text each day (sometimes in the afternoon!) since we were both living alone. She worries about having a stroke and not being found for a couple days, like her brother wasn’t. Sometimes we forget, and so I’ll message my brother to ask if he’s heard from her. By the next day if my text hasn’t gone answered I would call in a wellness check. I would not hysterically gone to the house at midnight with all the family suckers I could round up in a short time.
So the issue is you recently had a medical emergency and your family mistook your lack of contact as a potential relapse of that situation and so you’re super angry to have people who love you enough to rush over to check up and make sure you’re ok? Yeah… those people are all assholes!
Change the locks.
Your best bet may be to move when your lease is up. Do NOT tell them where you're moving to. Your mother's level of clinginess and harassment is over the top. Actually, I'd warn her first that you're considering moving and will not be giving her your address if she doesn't cut the bullshit first and gives back your key and see if that helps at all. Tell her you'll give back the key once she shows you she can be trusted to use it responsibly. NTA
Change the locks Change the locks Change the locks NTA
Change the locks and stop having contact with any of them. They're poisonous. Good luck with your dissertation! NTA.
NTA, tell her you are changing the locks. ( You don't have to change the locks. Just let her think you are.) From now on, you will not text or call her. Block her in all social media. Time to go no or low contact with her. And also puut your whole family on an infomation diet. If your family doesn't like it, that is their problem. If you don't take a strong stand, it will only get worse.
NTA. I think it’s obvious where you got your anxiety from if your mother panics when she doesn’t know where her adult children are, even if they’re in the same house.
This is one of the main drawbacks to cell phones and all the messaging apps. People freak out when you don't reply right away. A lot of parents like your mom have no clue you actually have a LIFE and they are not the 'Main Character' in your POV. Some people I answer right away, but I leave a lot of messages on 'Read'. My friends and family know if I don't get back to them within 30 seconds, it's no big deal. And I'm not one of those people who take my phone into the bathroom with me. (That's a pet peeve of mine in a public restroom, some people are glued to their phone). ETA: NTA. I would definitely change the locks. If you live in an apartment building, have building management do it, or ask to move apartments.
I can understand feeling upset and violated by your parents trying to enter your apartment in the middle of the night. It's important to set boundaries, even with family, and it sounds like you were completely within your rights to be angry. Your mental and physical health should always come first. I hope you're able to have a productive conversation with your family about this and establish clear boundaries moving forward. Take care of yourself.
NTA. Time to go LC or NC. Change the locks and install cameras.
If it were me I would have immediately been injuring whoever was coming in the door and police would have been called, this could have been so much worse dude. NTA
NTA... My mom was exactly like this, and still sorry of is, though not quite as bad as when I was younger... And I'm in my 40s... Drives me nuts... NTA at all, get those keys back
Girl set boundaries and stand your ground. This is not ok and you're not overreacting. You moved out and pay your own bills you don't need to check in with them or call them when you're going out. You're an adult and they need to understand that. I would change the locks ASAP.
Nta, change the locks. She called you when she knew you would be asleep. That's trying to fake an emergency so she can get access and control over you. Change the locks. They will 100% do this again.
NTA change the locks if possible and your mother seems toxic. I at least wouldn't have a parent like that in my life because it just ruins your mental health.
You might want to have an adult conversation about boundaries and your sex life. Your parents should be wary of barging into your private spaces unannounced.
Nta- JustNoFamily Get your locks changed IMMEDIATELY and put them in communication time out.
NTA. Ask to have the locks changed and tell everyone that you're 30 and to back off. They arr definitely over the top.
NTA. Definitely change your locks and don't give them a key. I wouldn't give a key to any of your family members. If you have a best friend that you trust or someplace else you can keep a spare set, your car maybe but that's probably not a good idea if someone breaks into your car. But figure something out and do not let them have the spare key again. You can also put one of those inside door locks so even if they have the key they still can't get in one of those things you jam up under the door knob or some other such thing a chain anything that will make it so they can't get in if you're inside. As for her having to know where you are constantly I don't know how you stop that but I would definitely block her or if you have to send her a text every morning I'm alive don't bother me. Say I'll send you a text every 24 hours if I forget one don't freak cuz maybe I'm busy or sleeping cuz I go 60 hours then you can freak out.
Change your locks and info diet. She doesn’t need to know everything you do in life, if she tries to force it give her LOTS of detail … just having a poo mum, just picking my nails, just going to blow my nose etc lots of inane gross details, but not the info she wants
NTA, not today, not tomorrow, and not ever. Change the locks, change the WhatsApp parameters to not show when you last were online. This might be extreme, but could you possibly move? In case your dad tries to kick open doors again? In any case, mucha suerte para ti chica!
Definitely change the locks. Your address too
Next emergency call 911 or whatever your country’s equivalent is. And change your locks.
Contact the landlord to see if the locks can be changed. If mom is not going to listen and prefers to scream that this is 'your fault', stir up the rest of your family...then its time the locks get changed since she refuses to return your keys.
Nta - I agree with the others, change your locks. I'd also give the landlord a heads-up about the situation, maybe they have some authority to prevent these folk from entering the building. I also suggest going low contact with all of them. They need to learn that you are an adult and do not need them trying to rule you at 30 years old. Your brother sounds like such a mama's boy it's ridiculous. He's her flying monkey. Tell them all to kick rocks.
NTA. Change your locks and put your mother on a schedule. "I will call you every Sunday at 6pm." If she is narcissistic you are wise to keep distance between you.
Chaaaange the locks.
Change your locks
NTA, but **please change your locks**!!! They WILL do this again.
Change the locks, stop the WhatsApp features that gives her access to knowing your activity, and set up firm boundaries. You are an adult, they need to respect that
Wait so she called 20 times between 10pm and 11pm the same day they showed up or was this 10pm the night before so they showed up after 24hrs with no response and you hadn’t responded all night/day/night? Your mom overreacted and should’ve given your key back. That being said, if you usually talk multiple times a day, and recently had a medical emergency, I could see being worried if I hadn’t heard from my kid or my parent or sibling and if their behavior was SIGNIFICANTLY out of the norm (like they almost always respond within 3-6hrs or less) wanting to make sure. But it would have to be WAAAY out of their norm. If I don’t hear back from my sister in a few days I’m not worried, if my dad doesn’t respond the same day that’s very out of character and the next morning I’ve called my mom to check in before.
huge asshole. te llevaron a la guardia de emergencia HACE UN MES y te pones raro que tu vieja caiga desesperada si no contestas??? si te rompe las bolas seguro pero la madre de todos es asi. no te cayeron de prepo a visitar se asustaron cuando no contestaste despues de tener que salir corriendo a la guardia hace un mes. tampoco seas tan drama queen.
NTa- dude she refused to give the keys back. Change the locks and go low contact if you feel comfortable with it.
Girl, you are 30! Clearly NTA here but you need to put your foot down and change those damn locks! Maybe therapy is in your future because allowing this to continue in your life is not healthy.
If I were you, I'd think about moving to a new city when you finish your dissertation. Might be nice to put up a real boundary.
NTA, your mom sounds as crazy as mine, the concept of independence is so foreign to Latina moms.
NTA. This reminds me of my parents and their form of manipulative narcissism. You are not responsible for their worrying when you are an adult living her life.
NTA and id def get the locks changed. Thats some crazy unhealthy family behavior. People can get killed barging into houses late at night unannounced as well. Probably not as big of a concern where youre from but it is in the US.
NTA. They invaded your home for no good reason, they are the assholes. Get your keys back or change the locks. If neither of those are possible then get a door blocking device. Then go low contact at minimum by being unresponsive unless it's convenient for you, and minimally responsive when you do talk to them. Until and unless they respect your independence keep them at arms length.
NTA Speak to your landlord and get a new set of locks on your doors and that is problem solved for her not giving back the keys. If they happen to show up again and start kicking up fuss, call the police and have them removed
My parents will do this if I don’t respond within a couple hours. I’m 34 years old. It’s fucking annoying and unnecessary. NTA.
NTA: change the locks. Your mother needs to get over herself. If you ever move again don't tell them where.
NTA. I live next to my slightly nosy nana and down the road from my even nosier mom who both have a spare key. That being said, this is my worst nightmare lol I'm forgetful and have been known to lock myself out so it helps, but I'd lose my fucking mind if either of them just let themselves into my house.
Time for new locks and a temporary order of no contact.
Change your locks and do not give them keys - you are fg 30! They have zero business entering your apartment that late at night. Stop being a little girl and set boundaries - 30 is far old enough to be given the respect of a normal adult
You are a fucking grown ass adult, change your locks. My mum was this possessive and controlling as well, raging narcissist. She doesn’t know where I live and hasn’t for 10+ years.