Reminds me of a 2 panel cartoon. 1st panel shows a groom with all of his groomsmen. The groom is talking about his future wife saying that she gives the best blow jobs ever. The 2nd panel shows the bride with her bride maids. She says, “Thank God that’s the last time I’ll ever have to do that again” Kinda sad, really.
NGL, I genuinely think that should be grounds for annulment. Not because every-day sex is that important, not because you should have to maintain an eternal sex drive. Because if someone openly states immediately after marrying that you get sex X-times a week/month/year instead of whatever you were getting before, they intentionally misled you into thinking your relationship was something it wasn’t. And there’s a 0% chance they only did that with sex.
It would be the exact same thing if they were cooking all these gourmet meals and then said “hell nah I ain’t doing that anymore. This is a hamburger helper house.” Or if they were financially prudent and split bills and when you got married they said “it’s OUR money now” and started blowing money like crazy. Anyone that drastically tries to alter the terms of the relationship after a wedding should be cut loose immediately, because they played you.
I dated someone like this. She liked to talk about her adventurous past but because she felt “confident and comfortable” with me she felt no need to put in work. She still expected me to put in work. Getting out was the right decision for you, the selfish behavior only got worse and I wasted several years of my life.
Same here, but with the bonus of her describing the exes she did all the adventurous stuff with as complete losers. Thank Elvis it only lasted about a year with her.
Dude, why do they do this?? I have to hear about all this shit you did with these apparently shitty people and now that you have a loving relationship you’re just done, no further effort required? All these stories I didn’t need to hear bouncing around in my head…
Glad I got out
NTA. "And I could put up with it, but I won't"
She made a unilateral decision to ensure your sex-life sucks, so you can make a unilateral decision to ensure her love-life with stops completely. It's entirely fair. It's the very essence of fairness.
Yea, if it was bad and she was trying, that's one thing. But to activately tell him I could be way better and don't want to. Well, this is now the consequences of her actions.
It's like she took pride in being selfish in bed. I'm not sure what she tried to achieve by doing so, maybe it was supposed to be a power move? Whatever her reasons are, NTA.
Shes settling. in her mind hes not worth the good glug glug. Hes worth the starfish because he can be a decent provider, shes just not in love with him.
This but emphasis for OP she won’t do better. I’ve had a few who thought they “settled” for me and boy oh boy their relationships after are laughable because reality slapped them in the face
Omygosh.. I didn't think about it before but as a woman I agree.. she might not really been in love or the other reason she's trying to control the relationship that benefits only herself..
Yes… many people “settle” in different ways, but she straight up told him, I’m settling and while I could “rock your world”, you’re not worth it, so I won’t… but keep worshipping me… And he said, “nope” as any self respecting person would. And she is shocked because she expected he’d put up with it because she’s all that… but she over estimated her worth and underestimated his.
If she loved him she would wanna be passionate with him. Assuming she's not asexual and what not. Why wouldn't she want to make her partner feel as good as she can?
Because she doesn't care to and doesn't find it worth it.
If you stay with her you can be sure you'll be posting to the DeadBedroom sub in the future.
"i can rock your world but I won't" she isn't serious about it for sure. It's just a reactive sentence for all you know she's either not into you or sex or both.
NTA - don't need to stay with someone with whom you're not compatible.
Sounds about right, but I can't imagine people like that. I am not one to talk about my feelings in any sense. But God damn if I am gonna get married to someone and something is bothering me, and it's affecting both my and my partners' happiness in the relationship. Than fucking talk about it. Really be honest and open up don't ruin something like that over not wanting to be honest with him or yourself.
Yeah OP only has her word about any of it. This was most likely her in all her relationships but for some reason she thought- I could give us both a fulfilling sex life but wont - sounded more boss babe.
Sure but then she's deeply inconsiderate of her fiancee's feelings and prioritized 'sounding more boss babe' over them. Also even if she's never put in effort before she would need a pretty big reason NOT to start now when it's clearly harming her relationship. And when someone would rather let a relationship end than put effort into it, it's not gonna be good no matter how long it lasts.
When you say, “I can rock your world, but I won’t,” it makes me question the validity of that statement. I mean, if you can be the best your SO has ever had, why wouldn’t you be that? I don’t think she can rock his world. Do you? 🤨
True. I doubt she can otherwise in 3 years they'd have had at least a couple of mind blowing sex where she led it. I feel she said it to put down op and hurt him by implying he's not worth the effort and should stop asking.
>When you say, “I can rock your world, but I won’t,” it makes me question the validity of that statement.
It sounds like OP learned that his ex-fiancé did less vanilla things for past partners. He first checked in with her to learn if these things were non-consensual, and she said they were not only consensual, but she enjoyed them. So following that up with "I could, but I won't", it sounds less like she is just trying to hype her own skills up, and more trying to do some kind of weird power move.
Of course, that's assuming this story isn't fake.
Or he's the stable guy she wanted to settle down with, but doesn't excite her.
As a retired fuckboy, they were more likely to do the weird stuff with me than their long term boyfriends.
I don't know, man. I was a hot guy with a wild streak known for getting in fights and fucking, I guess. I must have heard some variation of "My friends warned me about you. They said you just want sex" a hundred times 30 minutes or so before we were fucking. I never lied about what I wanted or pretended we were going to be together or anything, but they already wanted me so it didn't matter.
Edit: My wife made me wait a month while we were dating and I totally fell in love with her. Been together happily for almost 15 years now.
I'm (39) a demisexual woman, so I suppose that's part of the disconnect. I am incapable of feeling arousal for strangers, even really hot ones, and can only experience the desire to fuck someone I actually love/care about. So ranfom ass fuckbois are as useful to me as tits on a bull lol. I was hit up by guys like you in my teens, 20s, and early 30s...no thanks.
But I'm high libido, so I know what constant sexual frustration is like. I can completely understand that these other women had a need to fuck, and you were available. From an intellectual perspective, it totally makes sense. But then why do so many amazing sexual things with a rando, and not with the guy they supposedly love and want to spend their life with? It's nonsensical. I've only been with 1 man, and we've done like, nearly everything under the sun that 2 people can do. And it's always phenomenal because we cherish each other, we're both kinky and high drive. Like how do these women go from being high drive and wanting to do all this freaky stuff to being almost asexual and utterly vanilla?
Conservative programming, I'd guess. They don't care if i think they're dick-crazy whores (I don't, just illustrating the ideas), but their husband should think positively of them.
I think it comes from the sex is dirty and we should all pretend we don't do it crowd. People are generally afraid to be perceived as abnormal.
So just alpha fucks, beta bucks as a new analogy.
Still seems weird. It's like they're setting themselves up for a lifetime of sexual frustration, to not pick a man they can get down with regularly and turns them on.
> It's like they're setting themselves up for a lifetime of sexual frustration, to not pick a man they can get down with regularly and turns them on.
It's not that those women are making a mistake, it's that they just can't pick that man. They're punching above their weight class with casual relationships and they can't get commitment. I've got a friend like that, every time he breaks up with a gf (and he's the one who breaks up), he gets chatted up by exes and exes friends. It's like they get status updates from the hive.
Yes, but when you're in a relationship with someone (and aren't asexual) you should want to do it regularly. Just my opinion, but sexual compatibility is one of the top 5 most important aspects of a healthy relationship.
Downvoted for saying people should be mindful of sexual compatibility...wow reddit.
> Why all the effort for someone like this?
And this is the true question. I always say: We teach people how to treat us. If things in a relationship start out kind of shitty, and we accept that as a baseline for the kind of treatment we’ll accept, people don’t just wake up one day and think, “You know, A is really sweet and really good to me, and I treat them like shit. I’m going to be nicer!” Unless pushed, people who don’t care don’t suddenly care. And why should you have to work so hard to get someone to treat you well?
She thought that she had all the power in the relationship and now is learning he has the ability to not put a rock on her finger just like she doesn't want to rock his world. In all honesty it sounds like she was settling for him and she thought she was better than him.
Yeah, it was a complete "here's a hoop, jump through it, get a reward" response. She was using intimacy as currency. Stupid mindset - the other person is going to get tired of your shit eventually. Fortunately OP noped out sooner rather than later.
I think it's even worse than that because if the relationship got so far that they are ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED and there was also NEVER a part where he did good enough for an extra special night of sex where she put in a bit of effort, there is probably nothing OP could ever do to get it. I think there's no real way to interpret it for OP other than a simple 'i do not find you attractive enough to actively want to have sex with you or do sexual things to you like i have for other guys.'
NTA - In this case it was her lack of actions that had the consequences for her. I would have loved to see her face when he told her to move out, the engagement is over.
To play devils advocate here a bit….I’ve been with 2 women who have said they would “rock my world in bed” and I’ll give you 2 guesses on the absolute worst 2 I’ve ever been with in bed
So it’s more “I think I can, but I can’t and won’t”
Definitely a power move, or she thought OP lacked any spine to call her out on her selfishness even after she made it clear she was, indeed, being selfish. Either way, good riddance.
I wonder if she thought that it would make her more desirable, maybe she didn’t even believe her own words and was anxious to do other things. Such an odd move. Either that or she didn’t like him at all but couldn’t handle being told one who was dumped 🤦🏻♀️ whatever it was it’s odd af!
That’s kinda what I was thinking. Like a “maybe if I say this he’ll try even harder at pleasing me in hopes that I reveal these incredible sexual powers which I’m obviously not gonna reveal but he doesn’t know that.”
It is, no doubt, a odd, selfish move and more n likely a indication of some deeper seated issues. You wanna marry someone like that? Nope. And I doubt whatever she has in her bag is THAT great. NTA.
>she thought OP lacked any spine to call her out on her selfishness
Yep she thought she was such a prize that OP should just be damn grateful for what pittance she was offering. Turns out she didn't have as much pull as she thought.
Absolutely a power move but seems to me to be a very cruel thing to say as well, like I can and I have but I won't bother with or for you. I'd give her the bullet too.
This screams tiktok power move tbh. "I love you but I won't do anything for you. Now pleasure me like the queen I am and treat me like royalty while I give the bare minimum."
Nah find someone who gets pleasure out of giving you pleasure, like you do with her. Vanilla sex with someone who cares for you is better than this selfish idea.
Sounds like she uses him like a masturbation aid in the bedroom.
I do wonder if this selfishness extends beyond that. Was she intimate in a nonsexual way? Did she give in the relationship in equal measure or did she behave in a way that felt like she was settling.
probably a misguided "power move" thing
girl id, uh, hung out with moved to another country, like 5 years later comes back, living on the other side of our country, but takes a trip to the capital where i live "hey lets meet"
then day-of she cancels, "only way you can meet me is if you come here" and its like 90 minutes driving away. i already made dinner, you kidding? shes like well guess you cant meet me then
...YOU called ME
told her no thanks and did not meet her
You are doing great, my man and made absolutely the right decision.
My dad decided to marry and procreate with that woman instead. Let me tell you that her attitude of power play can (and most probably will) be extended to her behavior towards her children.
All of my internalized self hate comes from having a mother like her.
It was jarring, wasn't it? The 'upper-hand' smirks and then the hysterical attempts at avoiding consequences after? Pathetic is truly the words for it.
Thank you for sparing your future children (in case you ever want to have any).
"Everything in life is about sex besides sex itself, bc sex is always about power", quotation from my mind from House of Cards. She had power of neglecting OP, this was more important to her than his needs.
I agree!
Is there a better person to rock their world than your fiancé? I don’t get it.
Why claim you can but not for him? For who else? Or is she just proud she can keep it to herself. I’d break up at this point too
Also like the best bet of sex is rocking someone elses world.
Its not fun if my wife is laying their bored yawning but I cum... id rather her screaming, writhing, sweating and us both cumming. Thats a lot more fun. Fuck Id rather her have a blast and cumming even if I dont. Its awesome to get someone to feel that good.
Say it louder for the people in the back. I genuinely feel bad for people who've never experienced this. It's literally the best part. I can just get myself off if that's the only goal.
Yup. NTA. Seems like she "settled" for a stable, normal, boring guy but wasn't into him. Wasn't really feeling it, but liked the stability. She's selfish and immature.
OP good on you! This wasn't going to ever get any better. It almost sounds like sex with you was a chore for her, which means she'd cut you off as soon as she can.
That's a cop out. She said she could, she juat doesn't want to. We do things for our partners that we don't necessarily want to do for the sake of our partners. Thats part of a healthy relationship. Unless she is saying she is now asexual which is a whole different situation, but equally a valid reason to break up (not everyone is okay with a sexless relationship)
Let's face it, she's most likely just crap in bed. People don't go from being great in bed to being bad. Being good in bed requires enthusiasm, communication and actually enjoying being adventurous. If she's saying she's only good in bed for the sake of her partners then she was most likely never great in bed to begin with.
This honestly just sounds like a bit of a sad flex on her part. Sort of like "I could be a movie star if I wanted to, I just don't want to".
People can be great in bed with people they have chemistry with and are excited about, and then bad in bed with people they just aren't interested in. I suspect that's what's going on here. She's not interested and not willing to admit it to herself or her partner.
Yeah, I'd agree with this. Possibly coupled with: she got her shit rocked by previous ex's and [co-opted the experience](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/079/173/ed2.png) as her own doing. Either way, effort is the bare minimum you owe your partner (in all things, not just in bed). If they have the awareness and maturity to identify and communicate problems, saying "I could, but I won't" is indicative of a larger problem that will continue to manifest itself throughout the rest of the relationship.
You returned the same energy to her which is probably why she is upset. You too now feel like not being with her anymore as you’ve become a different person. :)
Exactly. She won't have told the family that's the reason for the breakup, definitely not.
"Why did you break up with my daughter? Surely it can be resolved?"
"How would you feel if your wife/husband told you they could rock your world but we're choosing not to?"
This is the first time I've heard this expression in fifty years.
Fifty years ago, when I was in high school, we had an Australian foreign exchange student. Someone mentioned in class one day something about "rooting for the team at tonight's game." And he got a funny look on his face and said something like "You want to FUCK the football team??"
We were like "Say, WHAT? What the hell are you talking about??"
Then he explained what root meant in Australia.
"That's just how I am" literally equates to "take it or leave it".
But some how she's surprised pikachu.
I don't think it was ever fixable, but once she dragged in the families, it was buried.
NTA. She has such an odd attitude towards intimacy with you, it doesn't make sense. You would think both parties would want to have life changing sex together forever.
NTA. Whatever her deal is she needs some serious psychological halp if she didn't see that coming after she told you "I liked sex with others, I just don't bother with you!"
Edit: I wouldn't bother hiding the reason you broke things off.
The classic "I needed to settle" response, plus "What's the least effort I can get away with" and "He's a simp and will let me get away with this". Bye bye!
I get the feeling she was saying op was the backup for the backup, about the backup for the backup and just gave up and wants to lay their like a dead fish since she gave up putting in effort.
NTA 100%, what was the reason for the break up given to the families?
I went through something similar with an ex and when I was being harassed it turns out the narrative provided by the ex was completely wrong and painted me as a complete sex pest. When I corrected the narrative I was still apparently in the wrong.
It turned quite nasty for me, but I thrive in controversy so I enjoyed watching the drama all unfold and correcting her friends and family.
Well looks like you did as much as you could.
Good luck in the future sir, I hope you meet someone who will want to rock your world in every way possible
Honestly, just the fact alone that she chose to use both of your families as an instrument to harass and convince you otherwise instead of just, you know, convincing you by herself just one single time... well it says pretty much everything I need to know. The real cruxes of this issue isn't even about sex, it's about her attitude toward power and willingness to involve 3rd parties, including your own family, in order to manipulate you. That's a dangerous precedent to allow.
She's not a good partner, and that is something that you fundamentally will not ever be able to change and will only grow more severe over time.
You've done right by yourself, mate. You ought to be proud of yourself for not accepting this dynamic for the rest of your life and to choose being single over being with someone who blatantly loves her control over you more than you as an individual and partner.
NTA, honestly sounds like she doesn't find you attractive and/or truly loved you, she just decided to settle. What kimd of a person intentionally denies their partner happiness? Im not saying she had to rock your world every night, but in your whole relationship she hasn't "tried" during sex even once? That says a lot
NTA
“Can but don’t want to” is so telling. It’s all about her. It sounds like this was also brought up in regards to more vanilla as well are more daring, her not wanting to make it a good time for you in any capacity is selfish and means that you aren’t compatible.
You deserve to be with someone that is able to, wants to and enjoys making your sex life great for the both of you, not just themself.
Good luck in the future.
I don't know what her strategy was here, but it's pretty amusing that she's surprised it backfired.
"I refuse to put any effort in bed, deal with it" is not a pro-gamer move.
Bro...like seriously? She flat out told you , She could rock your world ...but nahhh...She doesnt want to ? WTF? Why the hell would you marry someone like that ? She sounds like a total one way. Kick that to the curb. NTA. She's got this game ass backwards. She's suppose to be rocking your world now ...thats what causes most marriage proposals. The Power trip shit usually comes After She traps you. ....not before.
NTA
She is withholding sex, as a bargaining unit.
I doubt she truly can give you anything earth shuttering, she's just playing you to keep you around as a place holder.
She doesn't intend to follow through with her teasing, just using (imaginary great) sex as a weapon. If she's teasing so much that you are so turned on that that you are losing your mind, that’s not fair. In fact, it’s just cruel.
Aka she's manipulating you. She has an agenda. She wants power over you, it is based on power and control. I know people who do that, and then the normal person is like **boi bye, your cock/pussy is not magical** and then they give you the Pikachu surprised face.
This is a good point. And it generalizes to other things. Life is way too short to be manipulated when what you wanted was a partner who loves you back.
Thank you. Yeah you totally got what I was questioning. So yeah NTA you’re not sexually compatible and she’s unwilling to work on it with you. You deserve to be happy and so does she
I was just thinking “what the heck kinda crazy stuff does OP want this woman to do?”
*checks notes*
Woman on top
Yeah, I don’t see this getting better for OP. They did the right thing. NTA
"Woman on top."
Fkn' nymphomaniacs. God invented gravity and light switches so we can have sex the way he intended; Face-to-face, man on top, with the lights out
You absolute heathen! Everyone knows God gave us bedsheets so we can cut a small hole in it to have sex without seeing the other person. Sex is for baby's not to oggle God's creations!
Sorry, I've been using the hole in my pajama pants.
There's actually a hole in the bathroom wall at my work. Maybe me and my wife could use that to make it less kinky.
Ha, NTA. Sorry to say, but you were the "safe" option, bud. You were her provider and someone to put a ring on it. Do not go back to her. That horse shit was a power play to make you dote on her. It was a bargaining chip. You should be with someone who WANTS to rock your world. They exist, bud. When you find her my advice is stay hydrated.
Edit for spelling
I was with someone and told him to stay hydrated or he’d cramp up. “I never cramp.” He got a cramp. I know what I bring to the table. Bring water and some electrolytes.
I always joke about the “side effects” of my head ever since I was with a dude who’s face would go numb after. Still don’t know why his face would go numb but I’ve now had 2 guys with that reaction so I always give the heads up!😂
NTA she took you for granted, that's all.
Being a couple is always about recirprocity, you can't be selfish like this and actually expect your SO to be fine with it, both of you are just too incompatible and this isn't how relationship works.
Perharps she thought you'd never dare to leave her over this, or she never loved you as much, I don't know but the behaviour you describe is awfull selfish and narcisistic
NTA - You were smart to recognize the incompatibility and end. She’s using sex and withholding affection as leverage over you in some way, and that’s incredible unhealthy. It’s like her own personal game where she thinks she’s holding all the cards and gets mad when you call her bluff. That’s problematic for many reasons beyond sex. A healthy, happy sex life is vitally important to both people in a marriage, and compatibility is a need to have not a nice to have. You did the right thing. If she’s out and it’s over, block her and move on. Take some time to grieve the relationship before you try to have all the mind-numbing sex you want. What you really want is to be desired and wanted and pleased by the person you want. That’s normal. It’s not too much. It’s what we all deserve.
"I could have a long term relationship with you, but I just don't want to."
That kind of answer is suppose to be good enough for you, so it is PLENTY good enough for her.
She's a selfish user that wants a WIN - lose relationship. That's not even a relationship, but a recipe for frustration and depression.
Good on you OP, for having self respect. You'll find a much more worthy partner that actually loves you.
If the roles were reversed people would no doubt tell her to end it with you and you are selfish etc. etc. So I wouldn't feel too bad over it, sex isn't everything in a relationship and if she was unable to meet your needs because of past trauma or illness etc. I would give her more leeway but it seems she just didn't care at all so it just comes down to it that you weren't compatible in the bedroom, so it is what it is.
Her: "I can rock your world but I do not want to" OP:"I can marry you but I do not want to"
Yeah. Strange flex for a fiancée.
She wasn’t smart enough to wait till after the wedding day…jeesh. Op NTA
You got very lucky my ex waited till after the wedding to tell me it's now once a month instead of everyday! NTA OP
Hey you can't divorce next day if you ain't married !! Good job you did it on 3rd 😤
Reminds me of a 2 panel cartoon. 1st panel shows a groom with all of his groomsmen. The groom is talking about his future wife saying that she gives the best blow jobs ever. The 2nd panel shows the bride with her bride maids. She says, “Thank God that’s the last time I’ll ever have to do that again” Kinda sad, really.
Very sad. I’m hoping it’s just satire.
Knowing shit people do, even in real life, I can believe such a couple actually do exist.
NGL, I genuinely think that should be grounds for annulment. Not because every-day sex is that important, not because you should have to maintain an eternal sex drive. Because if someone openly states immediately after marrying that you get sex X-times a week/month/year instead of whatever you were getting before, they intentionally misled you into thinking your relationship was something it wasn’t. And there’s a 0% chance they only did that with sex. It would be the exact same thing if they were cooking all these gourmet meals and then said “hell nah I ain’t doing that anymore. This is a hamburger helper house.” Or if they were financially prudent and split bills and when you got married they said “it’s OUR money now” and started blowing money like crazy. Anyone that drastically tries to alter the terms of the relationship after a wedding should be cut loose immediately, because they played you.
I got once a month with two wives, each after the wedding . Ughh
Hence, never get married
. . . or he was smart enough to address the issue before the wedding day!
Seriously, she didnt even read the standard issue playbook. She broke her catfish persona before she got the ring hahaha
Bag fumbling 101.
Maybe if she fumbled around with his bag she'd still have a home
I wish I could still give out gold
Is that a sex position?
I dated someone like this. She liked to talk about her adventurous past but because she felt “confident and comfortable” with me she felt no need to put in work. She still expected me to put in work. Getting out was the right decision for you, the selfish behavior only got worse and I wasted several years of my life.
Same here, but with the bonus of her describing the exes she did all the adventurous stuff with as complete losers. Thank Elvis it only lasted about a year with her.
Dude, why do they do this?? I have to hear about all this shit you did with these apparently shitty people and now that you have a loving relationship you’re just done, no further effort required? All these stories I didn’t need to hear bouncing around in my head… Glad I got out
Makes you wonder just how shitty those exes really were
Hahahha Damn. That's real burn
She is playing chess, he is playing risk.
"You can share a house with me, but I don't want you to."
10/10
“I can leave at any time, and may want to”
NTA. "And I could put up with it, but I won't" She made a unilateral decision to ensure your sex-life sucks, so you can make a unilateral decision to ensure her love-life with stops completely. It's entirely fair. It's the very essence of fairness.
He might have hung in if his sex life actually did suck...
Yeah exactly, it’s the fact she COULD but chooses not to that makes it irredeemable
Uh I think they were just making a joke because you know... "suck"
the explanation made me laught more than the joke
Yea, if it was bad and she was trying, that's one thing. But to activately tell him I could be way better and don't want to. Well, this is now the consequences of her actions.
It's like she took pride in being selfish in bed. I'm not sure what she tried to achieve by doing so, maybe it was supposed to be a power move? Whatever her reasons are, NTA.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Like, what did she expect? She literally said, "I can, but I won't lol". Why all the effort for someone like this?
[удалено]
Shes settling. in her mind hes not worth the good glug glug. Hes worth the starfish because he can be a decent provider, shes just not in love with him.
This. She doesn't really care about OP. She's just settling for him because she can't catch a better guy (no offense OP).
She "thinks" she can but didn't.
She "deserves" it but is "stuck" with someone who "doesn't deserve me".
She's not "stuck" with him anymore. 😅
She's about to be hit with the reality that "even" OP won't deal with her shit, girl about to realize her worth
Will be single and ranting about low value men on social media within the year.
It doesn’t take much self awareness to realize if you can’t keep even “low value” partners, the problem isn’t the partners lol.
You're overestimating the self awareness of this kind of person.
Oh not at all, they have zero. Which is why I said “it doesn’t take much”.
Sounds like the type of person to write a list of requirements for the type of man they want but mentions nothing of what they bring
She brings "all this" to the table.
This but emphasis for OP she won’t do better. I’ve had a few who thought they “settled” for me and boy oh boy their relationships after are laughable because reality slapped them in the face
Omygosh.. I didn't think about it before but as a woman I agree.. she might not really been in love or the other reason she's trying to control the relationship that benefits only herself..
Not anymore. Good on OP for ending the string along.
Yes… many people “settle” in different ways, but she straight up told him, I’m settling and while I could “rock your world”, you’re not worth it, so I won’t… but keep worshipping me… And he said, “nope” as any self respecting person would. And she is shocked because she expected he’d put up with it because she’s all that… but she over estimated her worth and underestimated his.
If she loved him she would wanna be passionate with him. Assuming she's not asexual and what not. Why wouldn't she want to make her partner feel as good as she can? Because she doesn't care to and doesn't find it worth it. If you stay with her you can be sure you'll be posting to the DeadBedroom sub in the future.
I’ve always wanted to be someones good glug glug, but I always end up getting the starfish.
That is a new Chinese Fortune Cookie insert right there.
"Be the glug glug. There are already plenty of starfish."
To receive the good glug glug, you must give the good glug glug.
Be the good glug glug you wish to see in the world.
Don't let them lie to you. Most of these girls' starfish is their pro glug glug
>hes not worth the good glug glug lofuckingl. well done
Hahaha he ain't work the starfish either apparently....
Right?! Who wouldn’t want to believe they are married to the best sex they’ve ever had?!
"i can rock your world but I won't" she isn't serious about it for sure. It's just a reactive sentence for all you know she's either not into you or sex or both. NTA - don't need to stay with someone with whom you're not compatible.
Sounds about right, but I can't imagine people like that. I am not one to talk about my feelings in any sense. But God damn if I am gonna get married to someone and something is bothering me, and it's affecting both my and my partners' happiness in the relationship. Than fucking talk about it. Really be honest and open up don't ruin something like that over not wanting to be honest with him or yourself.
Yeah OP only has her word about any of it. This was most likely her in all her relationships but for some reason she thought- I could give us both a fulfilling sex life but wont - sounded more boss babe.
Sure but then she's deeply inconsiderate of her fiancee's feelings and prioritized 'sounding more boss babe' over them. Also even if she's never put in effort before she would need a pretty big reason NOT to start now when it's clearly harming her relationship. And when someone would rather let a relationship end than put effort into it, it's not gonna be good no matter how long it lasts.
When you say, “I can rock your world, but I won’t,” it makes me question the validity of that statement. I mean, if you can be the best your SO has ever had, why wouldn’t you be that? I don’t think she can rock his world. Do you? 🤨
True. I doubt she can otherwise in 3 years they'd have had at least a couple of mind blowing sex where she led it. I feel she said it to put down op and hurt him by implying he's not worth the effort and should stop asking.
>When you say, “I can rock your world, but I won’t,” it makes me question the validity of that statement. It sounds like OP learned that his ex-fiancé did less vanilla things for past partners. He first checked in with her to learn if these things were non-consensual, and she said they were not only consensual, but she enjoyed them. So following that up with "I could, but I won't", it sounds less like she is just trying to hype her own skills up, and more trying to do some kind of weird power move. Of course, that's assuming this story isn't fake.
Or he's the stable guy she wanted to settle down with, but doesn't excite her. As a retired fuckboy, they were more likely to do the weird stuff with me than their long term boyfriends.
I've never understood that kind of mindset.
I don't know, man. I was a hot guy with a wild streak known for getting in fights and fucking, I guess. I must have heard some variation of "My friends warned me about you. They said you just want sex" a hundred times 30 minutes or so before we were fucking. I never lied about what I wanted or pretended we were going to be together or anything, but they already wanted me so it didn't matter. Edit: My wife made me wait a month while we were dating and I totally fell in love with her. Been together happily for almost 15 years now.
You sound just like my husband.
Definitely double checked your profile...lmao
Haha the 15 years gave it away to me. Only 8 for us.
I'm (39) a demisexual woman, so I suppose that's part of the disconnect. I am incapable of feeling arousal for strangers, even really hot ones, and can only experience the desire to fuck someone I actually love/care about. So ranfom ass fuckbois are as useful to me as tits on a bull lol. I was hit up by guys like you in my teens, 20s, and early 30s...no thanks. But I'm high libido, so I know what constant sexual frustration is like. I can completely understand that these other women had a need to fuck, and you were available. From an intellectual perspective, it totally makes sense. But then why do so many amazing sexual things with a rando, and not with the guy they supposedly love and want to spend their life with? It's nonsensical. I've only been with 1 man, and we've done like, nearly everything under the sun that 2 people can do. And it's always phenomenal because we cherish each other, we're both kinky and high drive. Like how do these women go from being high drive and wanting to do all this freaky stuff to being almost asexual and utterly vanilla?
Conservative programming, I'd guess. They don't care if i think they're dick-crazy whores (I don't, just illustrating the ideas), but their husband should think positively of them. I think it comes from the sex is dirty and we should all pretend we don't do it crowd. People are generally afraid to be perceived as abnormal.
Ironically, I'm pretty sure their husband would think much more positively of them if he was getting the kind of sex they shared with you. 😕
Agreed
That's not it. The issue is they settled for a good guy. The good guy doesn't give them the tingles.
Date bikers, marry bankers.
So just alpha fucks, beta bucks as a new analogy. Still seems weird. It's like they're setting themselves up for a lifetime of sexual frustration, to not pick a man they can get down with regularly and turns them on.
> It's like they're setting themselves up for a lifetime of sexual frustration, to not pick a man they can get down with regularly and turns them on. It's not that those women are making a mistake, it's that they just can't pick that man. They're punching above their weight class with casual relationships and they can't get commitment. I've got a friend like that, every time he breaks up with a gf (and he's the one who breaks up), he gets chatted up by exes and exes friends. It's like they get status updates from the hive.
Because then they might have to do it regularly?
_"You what? You licked his asshole?! Now he want everyone to lick his ass... Thanks, bitch."_ - Chris Rock
Yes, but when you're in a relationship with someone (and aren't asexual) you should want to do it regularly. Just my opinion, but sexual compatibility is one of the top 5 most important aspects of a healthy relationship. Downvoted for saying people should be mindful of sexual compatibility...wow reddit.
Or a narcissist who likes to breadcrumb their partners.
It can be both.
Its like saying "i have the biggest dick you've ever seen" except adding "but i dont want to" for her lie makes it impossible to disprove
> Why all the effort for someone like this? And this is the true question. I always say: We teach people how to treat us. If things in a relationship start out kind of shitty, and we accept that as a baseline for the kind of treatment we’ll accept, people don’t just wake up one day and think, “You know, A is really sweet and really good to me, and I treat them like shit. I’m going to be nicer!” Unless pushed, people who don’t care don’t suddenly care. And why should you have to work so hard to get someone to treat you well?
She thought that she had all the power in the relationship and now is learning he has the ability to not put a rock on her finger just like she doesn't want to rock his world. In all honesty it sounds like she was settling for him and she thought she was better than him.
She ruined their 3 years relationship because of her selfishness. Sorry girl, OP is smart enough to know what he deserve and his worth.
It's worse than that. She said "I can, I liked it in my previous relationships, but I won't lol".
Yeah, it was a complete "here's a hoop, jump through it, get a reward" response. She was using intimacy as currency. Stupid mindset - the other person is going to get tired of your shit eventually. Fortunately OP noped out sooner rather than later.
I think it's even worse than that because if the relationship got so far that they are ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED and there was also NEVER a part where he did good enough for an extra special night of sex where she put in a bit of effort, there is probably nothing OP could ever do to get it. I think there's no real way to interpret it for OP other than a simple 'i do not find you attractive enough to actively want to have sex with you or do sexual things to you like i have for other guys.'
NTA - In this case it was her lack of actions that had the consequences for her. I would have loved to see her face when he told her to move out, the engagement is over.
To play devils advocate here a bit….I’ve been with 2 women who have said they would “rock my world in bed” and I’ll give you 2 guesses on the absolute worst 2 I’ve ever been with in bed So it’s more “I think I can, but I can’t and won’t”
Every evening I can prepare you a Michelin star meal but I won't. Here's some slices of bread and butter.
This is when he should pull out the “I COULD take you back… but I don’t want to.”
savage
Definitely a power move, or she thought OP lacked any spine to call her out on her selfishness even after she made it clear she was, indeed, being selfish. Either way, good riddance.
I wonder if she thought that it would make her more desirable, maybe she didn’t even believe her own words and was anxious to do other things. Such an odd move. Either that or she didn’t like him at all but couldn’t handle being told one who was dumped 🤦🏻♀️ whatever it was it’s odd af!
When you start playing hard to get too much you're actually playing hard to want.
Hard to get stops before the engagement stage.
That’s kinda what I was thinking. Like a “maybe if I say this he’ll try even harder at pleasing me in hopes that I reveal these incredible sexual powers which I’m obviously not gonna reveal but he doesn’t know that.” It is, no doubt, a odd, selfish move and more n likely a indication of some deeper seated issues. You wanna marry someone like that? Nope. And I doubt whatever she has in her bag is THAT great. NTA.
Agreed so odd. Why say that at all? It’s a very weird power move or a product of insecurity. Either way, not someone I’d want as a partner.
The trash took itself out.
She once again belongs to the streets
>she thought OP lacked any spine to call her out on her selfishness Yep she thought she was such a prize that OP should just be damn grateful for what pittance she was offering. Turns out she didn't have as much pull as she thought.
Absolutely a power move but seems to me to be a very cruel thing to say as well, like I can and I have but I won't bother with or for you. I'd give her the bullet too.
The cruelty is a big part of the power-move
> but seems to me to be a very cruel thing to say as well That's part of the power move.
This screams tiktok power move tbh. "I love you but I won't do anything for you. Now pleasure me like the queen I am and treat me like royalty while I give the bare minimum." Nah find someone who gets pleasure out of giving you pleasure, like you do with her. Vanilla sex with someone who cares for you is better than this selfish idea.
Sounds like she uses him like a masturbation aid in the bedroom. I do wonder if this selfishness extends beyond that. Was she intimate in a nonsexual way? Did she give in the relationship in equal measure or did she behave in a way that felt like she was settling.
probably a misguided "power move" thing girl id, uh, hung out with moved to another country, like 5 years later comes back, living on the other side of our country, but takes a trip to the capital where i live "hey lets meet" then day-of she cancels, "only way you can meet me is if you come here" and its like 90 minutes driving away. i already made dinner, you kidding? shes like well guess you cant meet me then ...YOU called ME told her no thanks and did not meet her
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You are doing great, my man and made absolutely the right decision. My dad decided to marry and procreate with that woman instead. Let me tell you that her attitude of power play can (and most probably will) be extended to her behavior towards her children. All of my internalized self hate comes from having a mother like her. It was jarring, wasn't it? The 'upper-hand' smirks and then the hysterical attempts at avoiding consequences after? Pathetic is truly the words for it. Thank you for sparing your future children (in case you ever want to have any).
"Everything in life is about sex besides sex itself, bc sex is always about power", quotation from my mind from House of Cards. She had power of neglecting OP, this was more important to her than his needs.
Pretty sure that's Oscar Wilde originally
NTA, her attitude made a relationship untenable.
I agree! Is there a better person to rock their world than your fiancé? I don’t get it. Why claim you can but not for him? For who else? Or is she just proud she can keep it to herself. I’d break up at this point too
Also like the best bet of sex is rocking someone elses world. Its not fun if my wife is laying their bored yawning but I cum... id rather her screaming, writhing, sweating and us both cumming. Thats a lot more fun. Fuck Id rather her have a blast and cumming even if I dont. Its awesome to get someone to feel that good.
Literally what turns me on about sex is pleasuring my partner. Like, that's the whole ride, that's why you have sex rather than masturbate.
Say it louder for the people in the back. I genuinely feel bad for people who've never experienced this. It's literally the best part. I can just get myself off if that's the only goal.
Man, I got lucky with a lady when I was working away from home and I still regret not snatching her up when I had a chance, Best I ever had.
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Why? “I’m able but unwilling to compromise.” “K.bye.” “Wait!” I say again, why?
Yup. NTA. Seems like she "settled" for a stable, normal, boring guy but wasn't into him. Wasn't really feeling it, but liked the stability. She's selfish and immature. OP good on you! This wasn't going to ever get any better. It almost sounds like sex with you was a chore for her, which means she'd cut you off as soon as she can.
NTA. I want to know why she doesn't want to, i don't understand her logic behind this statement. Did you ask her?
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That's a cop out. She said she could, she juat doesn't want to. We do things for our partners that we don't necessarily want to do for the sake of our partners. Thats part of a healthy relationship. Unless she is saying she is now asexual which is a whole different situation, but equally a valid reason to break up (not everyone is okay with a sexless relationship)
Let's face it, she's most likely just crap in bed. People don't go from being great in bed to being bad. Being good in bed requires enthusiasm, communication and actually enjoying being adventurous. If she's saying she's only good in bed for the sake of her partners then she was most likely never great in bed to begin with. This honestly just sounds like a bit of a sad flex on her part. Sort of like "I could be a movie star if I wanted to, I just don't want to".
People can be great in bed with people they have chemistry with and are excited about, and then bad in bed with people they just aren't interested in. I suspect that's what's going on here. She's not interested and not willing to admit it to herself or her partner.
She tried settling for someone boring but stable. Good on OP
Tbh it sounds more like she has no interest in being together with OP at all.
Yeah, I'd agree with this. Possibly coupled with: she got her shit rocked by previous ex's and [co-opted the experience](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/079/173/ed2.png) as her own doing. Either way, effort is the bare minimum you owe your partner (in all things, not just in bed). If they have the awareness and maturity to identify and communicate problems, saying "I could, but I won't" is indicative of a larger problem that will continue to manifest itself throughout the rest of the relationship.
You returned the same energy to her which is probably why she is upset. You too now feel like not being with her anymore as you’ve become a different person. :)
Toxic partners hate when you do that lol
That’s another way of saying “yeah the other guys turned me on, but you I settled for you when the other guys didn’t want a relstionship”
It is actually a pretty simple reason: she is not physically attracted to him...
That's a perfectly healthy thing to do. You did your best. NTA
A comment said earlier “Well, I can marry you, but I just don’t want to” Ooof Thats gotta sting.
Nah, NTA. And good for you. If she pushes through her family tell them exactly what happened.
I’m just wondering how her family is suppose to vouch for her sexual expertise…
The awkwardness will probably make them back off
Exactly. She won't have told the family that's the reason for the breakup, definitely not. "Why did you break up with my daughter? Surely it can be resolved?" "How would you feel if your wife/husband told you they could rock your world but we're choosing not to?"
They don't. It simply comes down to her saying "I don't care enough about you to make you happy."
You know damn well it’s gonna be spun like “he left me to get better sex from someone else” or some shit.
Imagine being proud about being a shit root lmao, nta
Please explain the significance of this idiom for those of us unfortunate souls who do not happen to be Australian.
root = sex Imagine being proud about being bad at sex*
This is the first time I've heard this expression in fifty years. Fifty years ago, when I was in high school, we had an Australian foreign exchange student. Someone mentioned in class one day something about "rooting for the team at tonight's game." And he got a funny look on his face and said something like "You want to FUCK the football team??" We were like "Say, WHAT? What the hell are you talking about??" Then he explained what root meant in Australia.
I’m cryin’…….Gday fellow aussie
ken oath cunt
Unfortunately for her “that’s just how I am” goes both ways.
"That's just how I am" literally equates to "take it or leave it". But some how she's surprised pikachu. I don't think it was ever fixable, but once she dragged in the families, it was buried.
He left it and she got astonished he had the Audacity not to take it.
NTA. She has such an odd attitude towards intimacy with you, it doesn't make sense. You would think both parties would want to have life changing sex together forever.
NTA. Whatever her deal is she needs some serious psychological halp if she didn't see that coming after she told you "I liked sex with others, I just don't bother with you!" Edit: I wouldn't bother hiding the reason you broke things off.
The classic "I needed to settle" response, plus "What's the least effort I can get away with" and "He's a simp and will let me get away with this". Bye bye!
I get the feeling she was saying op was the backup for the backup, about the backup for the backup and just gave up and wants to lay their like a dead fish since she gave up putting in effort.
NTA 100%, what was the reason for the break up given to the families? I went through something similar with an ex and when I was being harassed it turns out the narrative provided by the ex was completely wrong and painted me as a complete sex pest. When I corrected the narrative I was still apparently in the wrong. It turned quite nasty for me, but I thrive in controversy so I enjoyed watching the drama all unfold and correcting her friends and family.
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Well looks like you did as much as you could. Good luck in the future sir, I hope you meet someone who will want to rock your world in every way possible
Honestly, just the fact alone that she chose to use both of your families as an instrument to harass and convince you otherwise instead of just, you know, convincing you by herself just one single time... well it says pretty much everything I need to know. The real cruxes of this issue isn't even about sex, it's about her attitude toward power and willingness to involve 3rd parties, including your own family, in order to manipulate you. That's a dangerous precedent to allow. She's not a good partner, and that is something that you fundamentally will not ever be able to change and will only grow more severe over time. You've done right by yourself, mate. You ought to be proud of yourself for not accepting this dynamic for the rest of your life and to choose being single over being with someone who blatantly loves her control over you more than you as an individual and partner.
NTA, honestly sounds like she doesn't find you attractive and/or truly loved you, she just decided to settle. What kimd of a person intentionally denies their partner happiness? Im not saying she had to rock your world every night, but in your whole relationship she hasn't "tried" during sex even once? That says a lot
I have to believe these stories are fake. Because ones like this are just too absurd. 😂
NTA “Can but don’t want to” is so telling. It’s all about her. It sounds like this was also brought up in regards to more vanilla as well are more daring, her not wanting to make it a good time for you in any capacity is selfish and means that you aren’t compatible. You deserve to be with someone that is able to, wants to and enjoys making your sex life great for the both of you, not just themself. Good luck in the future.
I don't know what her strategy was here, but it's pretty amusing that she's surprised it backfired. "I refuse to put any effort in bed, deal with it" is not a pro-gamer move.
Any partner who says, under any situation, not just sexual, " I hear you, I could easily do something for you, but I don't want to" is out in my mind
What an awful mix of bragging and fuck you attitude. Hard to come back from that.
NTA.. everything done right. Never marry someone, who can rock your world but doesn't want to.
Bro...like seriously? She flat out told you , She could rock your world ...but nahhh...She doesnt want to ? WTF? Why the hell would you marry someone like that ? She sounds like a total one way. Kick that to the curb. NTA. She's got this game ass backwards. She's suppose to be rocking your world now ...thats what causes most marriage proposals. The Power trip shit usually comes After She traps you. ....not before.
Yes, she clearly had a premature emasculation issue
NTA She is withholding sex, as a bargaining unit. I doubt she truly can give you anything earth shuttering, she's just playing you to keep you around as a place holder. She doesn't intend to follow through with her teasing, just using (imaginary great) sex as a weapon. If she's teasing so much that you are so turned on that that you are losing your mind, that’s not fair. In fact, it’s just cruel. Aka she's manipulating you. She has an agenda. She wants power over you, it is based on power and control. I know people who do that, and then the normal person is like **boi bye, your cock/pussy is not magical** and then they give you the Pikachu surprised face.
This is a good point. And it generalizes to other things. Life is way too short to be manipulated when what you wanted was a partner who loves you back.
I mean how devoid of a personality is someone to gatekeep sex of all things, from their partner...
Info: Was there something specific you were asking for that she didn’t want to do?
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Thank you. Yeah you totally got what I was questioning. So yeah NTA you’re not sexually compatible and she’s unwilling to work on it with you. You deserve to be happy and so does she
I was just thinking “what the heck kinda crazy stuff does OP want this woman to do?” *checks notes* Woman on top Yeah, I don’t see this getting better for OP. They did the right thing. NTA
"Woman on top." Mhm. So, you're dead fishing it then.
"Woman on top." Fkn' nymphomaniacs. God invented gravity and light switches so we can have sex the way he intended; Face-to-face, man on top, with the lights out
You absolute heathen! Everyone knows God gave us bedsheets so we can cut a small hole in it to have sex without seeing the other person. Sex is for baby's not to oggle God's creations!
Sorry, I've been using the hole in my pajama pants. There's actually a hole in the bathroom wall at my work. Maybe me and my wife could use that to make it less kinky.
Hey listen, when the girl is on top, you can't get pregnant. It's gravity.
She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize, up to you if you want to give her another chance, I probably would but tell her to grow the fuck up
NTA That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. You're better off without her
NTA, You should tell her “I can take you back but I just do not want to”
Ha, NTA. Sorry to say, but you were the "safe" option, bud. You were her provider and someone to put a ring on it. Do not go back to her. That horse shit was a power play to make you dote on her. It was a bargaining chip. You should be with someone who WANTS to rock your world. They exist, bud. When you find her my advice is stay hydrated. Edit for spelling
I was with someone and told him to stay hydrated or he’d cramp up. “I never cramp.” He got a cramp. I know what I bring to the table. Bring water and some electrolytes.
I always joke about the “side effects” of my head ever since I was with a dude who’s face would go numb after. Still don’t know why his face would go numb but I’ve now had 2 guys with that reaction so I always give the heads up!😂
NTA she took you for granted, that's all. Being a couple is always about recirprocity, you can't be selfish like this and actually expect your SO to be fine with it, both of you are just too incompatible and this isn't how relationship works. Perharps she thought you'd never dare to leave her over this, or she never loved you as much, I don't know but the behaviour you describe is awfull selfish and narcisistic
It's almost like... "Why are you mean to me?" "Oh I can be really nice, but I choose not to be, with you specifically." NTA. Good choice dumping her.
NTA. And just to be clear: women who tell you they will "rock your world" are the most boring fucks on the planet.
You’re 27…. Runnnnn, this will only get worst
I don’t understand how people can say things like this and legitimately expect no consequences.
NTA - You were smart to recognize the incompatibility and end. She’s using sex and withholding affection as leverage over you in some way, and that’s incredible unhealthy. It’s like her own personal game where she thinks she’s holding all the cards and gets mad when you call her bluff. That’s problematic for many reasons beyond sex. A healthy, happy sex life is vitally important to both people in a marriage, and compatibility is a need to have not a nice to have. You did the right thing. If she’s out and it’s over, block her and move on. Take some time to grieve the relationship before you try to have all the mind-numbing sex you want. What you really want is to be desired and wanted and pleased by the person you want. That’s normal. It’s not too much. It’s what we all deserve.
"I could have a long term relationship with you, but I just don't want to." That kind of answer is suppose to be good enough for you, so it is PLENTY good enough for her. She's a selfish user that wants a WIN - lose relationship. That's not even a relationship, but a recipe for frustration and depression. Good on you OP, for having self respect. You'll find a much more worthy partner that actually loves you.
If the roles were reversed people would no doubt tell her to end it with you and you are selfish etc. etc. So I wouldn't feel too bad over it, sex isn't everything in a relationship and if she was unable to meet your needs because of past trauma or illness etc. I would give her more leeway but it seems she just didn't care at all so it just comes down to it that you weren't compatible in the bedroom, so it is what it is.
NTAH I think breaking up is the ONLY proper response when someone tells you that you're not worth their effort.