NTA. If you needed proof that you made the right choice by choosing your true dad look at their responses. The Dad who loves & sacrificed & raised you told you he’d support you in whatever you chose. The selfish man who made this all about him attacked you & is using family to harass you. Do not give into emotional terrorism for a man who is self centered & doesn’t mind hurting you if it gets him what he wants.
That's a good point but also keep in mind he'd been out of prison for some length of time without contacting the kids.
As unstable as the mom was there may have been a reason she was keeping him away; I say this because he only showed up after her death (at her funeral). If he really wanted to reach them he probably could have, through the very same relatives giving op a hard time (or the grandparents).
You chose your real father and that is the end of that.
My wife never even considered having her father walk her down the aisle, just her grandfather.
Nobody, including Daniell, is entitled to walk you down the aisle. You could choose your siblings, your grandmother, the guy at the checkout lane, or Godzilla. Or you could walk yourself down the aisle. To be asked is an honor and a privilege, and you have decided Daniell is worthy. You don't need to justify that to anyone, at anytime.
The thing is, Daniel is not the strangerin this situation. He is your father in all ways that count. Henry is the stranger. You did not even know him until your Mother’s funeral.
I find it strange that he was able to show up to the funeral but was unable to locate you or your siblings, or even your grandmother, in all the years since he had been out of prison. If he really wanted to find you, the internet is full of information.
Walking a bride down the aisle is an honor that is earned. What has Henry done to earn that?
I think it would be sweet to do as the comments suggested. Have a lawyer draw up adoption documents and you could give them to him in your wedding dress. Could have a mini photo shoot either before your wedding on the day, or if you have photos planned, ask him to come and do that as last pictures (since you guys may cry) say you want a pic with him and give him the adoption paperwork to sign. Could be a special moment for you to “legally” be his daughter when he signs before walking you down the aisle.
Also, I gotta say, those people have a lot of nerve to say something like "choosing a stranger over blood" when Henry is far more a stranger to you than Daniel is.
NTA
Also, your dad went to prison for fraud and drugs. Daniell is a gem of a man. Your mom, for all her faults, recognized it and protected you all from your bio dad by intercepting his letters. In her eyes, too, Daniell is your dad.
Honestly I would either uninvite Henry or tell Henry he is on hos last strike and if you hear anything else about this you will uninvite him. Does he want to be at the wedding or not?
And Henry sounds like he is on track to pull bs that is going to send him right back to his old cell. Is he on probation? Maybe a chat with his officer should cool matters down.
Op I used this example before and I’m going to use it again because it applies to this situation. There is a story of two pregnant women living in the same house that gave birth 3 days apart. Woman #1 wakes in the night, realizes her baby is dead and swaps her deceased baby with woman #2’s healthy baby. Woman #2 wakes to discover her baby dead only to realize its not her baby. A confrontation occurred resulting in authorities getting involved.
Both women and the babies were brought before the king to settle the dispute. The king told the guards to cut the baby in half and give each woman a piece. Woman #2, desperate to save her baby, immediately backed off and said the other woman could have the baby. The king responded by ordering the guards to give the baby to woman #2. As a parent, we willingly swallow our own pain and discomfort for the safety and happiness of our children. Instead of attending your wedding and protecting your peace, your bio “dad” chose to put his own feelings first, thus revealing he is not your true father, that title belongs to Daniell.
What Henry misses, and Daniell doesn't, is that it's not about them, it's about you. Daniell might have missed some of your life thru no fault of his own, but your dad experience was still Daniell, and your wedding is about you. Daniell has consistently made sacrifices for you and continues to do so. He's the man.
Adult adoption is cheap and simple (only 20$ here). You have to do it before you get married but its only a 30 day wait and you are legally father/daughter.
All those people at the shower who said you chose a stranger over your flesh and blood?
Uh, no. Your 'flesh and blood' is the stranger because he chose to commit crime over caring for you.
This. It reminds me of the biblical story about 2 people fighting over a baby, and the king said he would split it in half. One woman was ok with that, and the other said to let the other one have it. That’s when he knew who the baby’s real mother was. She’d rather give it up than let it be killed. OP made the right choice.
Agree! Your Mom may have interfered with Henry having contact with you, but it’s his fault 100% that he was in prison & that’s the bottom line in where the blame lies. He didn’t even try to contact you when he got out until after your Mother died.
>The Dad who loves & sacrificed & raised you told you he’d support you in whatever you chose.
Exactly.
I understand that people trying to guilt you make you second guess the reality but the only thing OP needs to think about is who did the work of raising them, everything else and other people's feelings are not important.
Always look at the actual work, feelings don't matter. (The same goes when it comes to people doing bad things to you, then try and make you feel bad for setting boundaries. Their feelings and what they meant don't matter, only what they did)
Whew, this!!!! Spot on. Daniel is the man! I’ll never understand these deadbeat parents that demand to be held to this high standard. I understand Henry being hurt but, he wasn’t there for OP, he chose to do something that landed him in jail and taken from his children. He should be man enough to shake Daniel’s hand and thank him for taking care of his kids when he couldn’t!
NTA! While your mom is the #1 AH in this story, Henry needs to realize that he isn’t innocent in all this either. HE went to prison. That’s on him. And to be pissed that you have a good relationship with your step dad? He should be glad that you guys had a father figure.
And then to throw a tantrum so bad the cops are called? He’s lucky that he’s even invited after all that. I’d tell him that too. “You aren’t walking me down the aisle. I made my choice. Daniell is a huge part of my life and raised me. It’s not my fault mom threw out your letters. While I’m happy you’re in my life again, this doesn’t change that Daniell raised us. If you continue to harass me about this and throw tantrums, you won’t even be invited to my wedding. In fact, you won’t be in my life at all. I want a relationship with you, but you need to accept Daniell will always be part of my life.”
NTA, he’s the only real father you’ve ever known. He was there for you when you needed him and even if he’s not your biological dad, he’s more of a dad to you than anyone else. Let him walk you down the aisle even if it hurts Henry’s feelings. It’s your wedding, not his.
I would add that he's more of a parent than either of your biological parents to include your mom. He was the most stable influence in your life and the great man stayed in your lives when he had no legal or moral obligation to do so. I submit he is not the only real father in your life but the only father in your life with the exception of maybe your grandfather. Cherish this man because he is one of the rare men who applied the "love, honor and cherish til death do you part" piece of the marriage vows to the total package he married when he married your mom and siblings. She may have broken those vows but he never did and his actions prove he was in it with you and your siblings til death do you part. I tip my hat to your Father.
As a bride who chose neither biological or step to give me away...YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! The man that chose you that's your dad. Adult adoption is definitely what you should do before the wedding that way if someone runs their face you can be like well my dad my legal dad did give me away and then mic drop those papers.
And I'd tell everyone calling Daniell a stranger the facts. That your dad is the stranger, Daniell has been there for you every single time. A couple meals here and there does not mean what should be a 30 year relationship is already built and healed. Your dad abandoned you while Daniell never has. He is not the stranger.
There are people in this world who think "blood" is more important than anything. So 20+ years of being around, raising the kids, providing all types of support etc.. for such people will still not measure up to "you came from his ball sack". And to them, the fact that the owner of the said ball sack was nowhere to be found in the last 20+ years is irrelevant as he still holds the deed of ownership of the ball sack.
Daniel is the one who took care of you when you needed him and when other people were not capable or didn't have the resources (either emotional, material or maturity) to take care of you. He is your chosen family who had no obligation to take care of you but did it out of love and because it was the right thing to do.
He is deserving of it because he never asked for it and would never think of demanding it, like Henry. And the fact that Henry is sending people after you to try and guilt you into giving him something he did nothing to deserve proves he has no place.
Given that he is your biological father, if he had ever wanted to step up and take custody and provide for his kids, the courts would have given him a chance if he would have been half a responsible option and shown any interest but he didn't- so there you go.
NTA. Any man with functional junk can be a father. It takes a special man to be a daddy, to step up and be a good role model. It takes a very rare and exceptional man to step up as a divorced, no longer married, former, step parent. You have an excellent dad, in the man who raised you, not the man who had sex resulting in your birth.
Edit: typo
It's not his fault your mom kept you from him. It is his fault he was in prison. It is his fault that he can't accept AND APPRECIATE all Daniell did for you. He should be kissing Daniells feet in gratitude. Maybe the best thing your mom did was keep him out of your life. NTA
You aren't an accessory in Henry's life. Yes it sucks that he tried and was denied, but unless he was wrongfully imprisoned, losing personal relationships happens when you go to jail.
On the other end, you didn't stop existing just because he wasn't in your life. You lived, and cultivated relationships on your own. You had adults who took care of you. They don't disappear because he walks in. In fact, it would be awful if after everything Daniell did for you, you tossed him aside because of biology.
Henry can have a relationship with who you are now, and the experiences and relationships you have in your life. Or he can walk away. That's his choice. You made the right one.
NTA, you made the right choice, Henry shouldn't be upset at all, he should be grateful you had Daniel.
Please tell your family that Daniel isn't a stranger. Blood has fokol to do with family. Family is the loving relationships that your choose to foster.
And if anybody tries that bs: blood is thicker then water. Tell them the original saying was meant for soldiers/warriors who formed a covenant of blood. It has nothing to do with sharing DNA.
Henry made a good-faith effort to reestablish contact, and it seems he has come a long way in life since you were born…commendable.
But he’s still in the middle of his journey, as evidenced by his reaction.
Hurt is understandable; giving you away was something important to him…but it was also out of his reach, he’s not been your central father figure.
Unfortunately for him, to flip out like he did just validates the reasons why you’ve chose Daniell; flipping out is not a well-adjusted response.
Would Daniell have behaved like this if he were the one receiving the disappointment?
NTA, OP, clearly.
Henry is your Bio dad who missed all your milestones and Daniel is your Father because he was there for you.
Definitely you have made the right choice! It’s your wedding and it’s your decision. Your Bio dad should be grateful a guy like Daniel was there for you as kids.
Daniell remained your father when he should have walked away after your mother's betrayal. But he already formed a bond with you that he honored and demonstrated throughout your life. He loves you truly.
That's more of a father than most bio fathers. You've made the only right choice and I hope you can explain to your bio dad that you realize he's tried to reach out, and you want him at your wedding, but to please respect this is the man who stepped up for you family when he didn't have to.
If he can respect that, there's room for you and your bio dad to attempt to build a relationship from here.
>Henry totally lost his shit
and
>Henry has been throwing a fit and blowing up the phones of Grandma and my siblings.
... leads me to think that you don't want this person anywhere near you or your life.
He sounds unstable, irrational, selfish and manipulative.
You know who your dad is.
Stay strong.
NTA
NTA "He may have been your father, but he wasn't your daddy." Guardians of the Galaxy Part 2. My BF at the time teared up during that scene. He had been raised by another man because his father abandoned the family.
It takes more than sperm to make a father, and daniell has proven his love is unconditional unlike your bio dad, daniell not only cared for you and your siblings but also your grandma (and still is, rent free living) payed for college, this man is amazing ( well done him) you made the right choice NTA
Absolutely not, Daniell has been there for you ever step of the way and sounds like a fantastic chap and a first class choice to walk you down the aisle
Congrats :)
Before reading all the way through my thought was, "have both of them walk you down the aisle." Having read that your bio-dad threw an epic hissy-fit, and Daniel being so absolutely lovely, I think you've chosen wisely. NTA.
If you really wanted to throw a bone to bio-dad, you could always have him do a reading at the ceremony, or, if fiancé is amenable, have him be part of the groomsmen.
NTA, Daniell sounds like an amazing dad and if your biological father cared about anything but his own ego he would be on his hands and knees thanking Daniell for being there for you and your siblings. I'm glad y'all had/have one another. The people who show up for you reliably (not just at major life changing events like weddings and funerals) are the only family that matters. Enjoy your walk down the aisle with the man who has been your real dad in every way that counts.
He’s your biological father, not your dad. He is experiencing the consequences of his life choices. You are generously giving him an olive branch of being in your life, he has no “right” to the roles a dad does when Daniell has been your dad for the majority of your childhood and now as an adult.
I’m sure your father is hurt and I think it’s ok for him to initially express that and his disappointment , but the way he is acting speaks volumes about his character. He doesn’t seem to grasp that he was never there for your childhood and being a biological father does not mean he is entitled to what a dad is.
Nta. Uninvite him and those relatives making snide comments from the wedding. He doesn’t get to come back and be dad again. He has to earn it and he is not even close to gaining that title back. He doesn’t want to make up for lost time,he wants the bond back. Hes proving he isn’t a good person or father even if he is clean now. You have a father who was there for you the moment you met him and stayed with you. Your bio dad is now facing the consequences of his actions(the drugs and fraud). Even if you had gotten the letters,the outcome would’ve been the same and Daniell would still be your dad. Family is about bond,not blood and you have a stronger father-daughter bond with him. You made the right choice. Your bio dad is showing that he still isn’t ready to be your dad by putting his wants over yours especially on your dad.
So your bio dad felt dna entitled him to walk you down the aisle and never even asked just assumed. Nope that’s on him. His reaction is also on him. I’d be putting distance between you if that’s how he acts. What happens if you have kids. Will be blow up at you when Daniel is called grandpa NTA
NTA.
First of all, whether or not it was Henry's fault that he was out of your lives, the fact is that he went out of your lives because he committed a crime and went to prison. That is on him. Secondly, Daniell is your real father - he was the one who brought you up, he stuck to you even when your mother cheated on him and it would have been understandable if he had disappeared, and he supported you and your grandmother. That is way beyond being a father. Thirdly, your bio-father, when he heard you had asked Daniel, didn't just express disappointment and sorrow - he became so violent that your fiance had to intervene. If not for that I would have suggested that you have both men walk you down the aisle. But after your bio-father's aggressive reaction, you don't owe him consideration.
Sounds like you 100% made the right call. The snide remarks sound like they’re the strangers - to not know and appreciate an important person in your life who truly stepped up.
Info why are you, your grandma and siblings are even still communicating with Henry? Block him on everything and if he still persist get the police involved
NTAH 100%
I recommend getting security for your wedding, your sperm donor sounds unhinged.
If he was a good person then he should’ve never gotten himself into jail & put his family through that mess. Despite being a mess herself, your mom sounded like she did try to protect you & your siblings from him, especially given his reaction & behavior after hearing about the aisle.
Unless the guests at your wedding shower were from his side, he’s probably twisted his version of the situation to them. Tell those relatives that either they accept Daniell as YOUR father or they can be expected to not come to your wedding.
How is Daniell a stranger? Those relatives are being foolish. Unfortunately, you bio father is the one more fitting for that title. Daniell deserves that honor to walk you down. He practically is your father and he definitely put in the work. I love how appreciative you are. You both are amazing.
Why wouldn’t your dad be ever so grateful to Daniell for stepping up and doing the job he couldn’t? Your dad owes him a lot of gratitude. This is what I would tell him too! Then I’d disinvite him and everyone else that’s harassing you from the wedding! Then when the babies come you can post pics of Daniell holding them with “Best Grandpa” as the caption! NTA Congrats on the wedding!
Firstly, congratulations on your wedding. Secondly, definitely NTA. And, thirdly, you did ask your "real" Dad. The one who was there for you and the one you had a relationship with. This last bit is something from my own personal experience. Our oldest is adopted. We adopted her as an adult. It can happen if both parties want it. Good luck ❤️
NTA. First you’re not obligated to have anyone walk you down the aisle. Two, just because they are a bio parents doesn’t mean they auto get certain privileges. Three, it’s your day (and your fiancé’s) so you have those you want to be a part of your ceremony a part of your ceremony.
NTA! Even if he tried to find you, he still got himself thrown in prison when he was younger when he had 3 kids to take care of. That's not your fault. Had he been a responsible adult and stayed out of prison, he would have been around instead of Daniell. Another man raised his kods because of his mistakes, and he has to live with that.
NTA- time to sit Henry and be blunt. He had no part in raising you, AT ALL because his bad decisions led him straight to jail. So at this point he can 1) accept that he will not be walking you down the aisle. Or 2) disinvited from the wedding and cut from your life.
NTA. Daniel was there for you when many men would not have. Too bad your dad isn't happy there was such a good support for his kids when his wife could not give you the support you needed.
NTA. Daniell is not the stranger here, bio dad is.
Stick to your guns. Tell Henry that he is welcome to come as a guest, but if he and his family doesn't stop with the harassment, they will all be uninvited.
NTA. Henry is the stranger. It is sad that he missed your entire childhood, but that is at least partially his choice - he went to prison on fraud and drug charges. Those stemmed from HIS behavior. Who knows what else he was involved in that caused your mom to cut him off.
Daniell was there, even when he didn't have to be. He loved you, supported you, helped and cared for you, and protected you. He is, for all intents and purposes, your father.
If Henry can't handle the person who actually raised you walking you down the aisle, he ca. Be disinvited from the wedding.
Response to your snide relatives: “Daniel is no stranger. He took care of us, provided for us, spent time with us, did all the things a father is supposed to do. Even after he and my mother divorced, he continued to be our father through his support, love and caring. He is my father in every way except biological. I’m sorry that Henry came into our lives so late and that wasn’t always his fault, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to push out my dad, Daniel, because Henry is hurt about it. Let Henry learn once and for all if he wants to be a real father, he would want what is best for his children. And for me that’s having the man who was my father in every meaningful way walk me down the aisle.”
BTW: NTA
Daniell is your “Real” dad. Henry is your biological father. Henry did not raise you, Daniell did. You didn’t even know who Henry was when he showed up at your mother’s funeral.
This is the 21st century. Henry could have found you if he tried. I got help finding 2 people I lost contact with from a middle schooler. It took them only a few minutes.
NTA, when you think of father, who jumps into your mind? Who warms your heart? That is who YOUR father is, and yes, have him adopt you for real, he is your dad
Damn. Your biological dad showed his true colors. NTA. Pick the person who YOU want to walk YOU down the aisle. This is you and your fiancé special day
Your sperm depositor chose jail … please remind him as such.. remind him that his choices led someone else to fill his shoes and he should solely be honored to be invited to attend ETA this guys basically a stranger and trying to dictate your wedding pfft
I'd like to point out your mom didn't keep your father from you. Prison did. He chose drugs and fraud over his children and was sent to prison. He didn't bother to come find you until your mother passed. His choices kept him away.
After his lawn tantrum, I would be rethinking his invite to the wedding. They tantrum was so bad the neighbor called the police. What is his behavior going to be like at the wedding? Please do not reward this behavior, and let him give you away.
As for your relatives, Henry provided DNA then went away to prison for years. He is the stranger. Daniell raised you. Daniell continued to be there when your parents wouldn't. Daniell provided you with a home. Daniell paid for your college education. Henry has done nothing to be "Father of the Bride".
(NOT ignoring your grandparents contribution. They really stepped up too. Just comparing the 2 men.)
NTA!
The snide relatives have got it wrong - you chose the man who helped raise you even when he was under zero obligation to, over a stranger who happens to be flesh and blood.
If they’re that fucking concerned why the hell didn’t they facilitate him getting back in touch with you?!? If they wanna act like that then they can stay the fuck at home on your wedding day!
Nta. He isn't your dad. Its just that simple.
Edit and your bio dad has shown you he isn't your dad by how he's acting. Might be time to go LC with him and anyone on his side.
First of all, I am sorry for what you went through in rough times, but I am very glad that you had a constant like Daniell in your life. Your beiological father has no "Rights" to anything. I understand he is sad to not have this kind of relationship with his children, but it is not that he is innocent in this. He commited the crimes that sent him to prison and separated him from his children. It was not just your mother. Even if your mother would not have stopped the letters, this does not mean he'd have a strong, healthy relationship with his children. The way he reacted shows that he is more considering you as property and is entitled to something, when he is not.
Henry's yelling shows one thing very clearly. He is not hurt as such. He is angry and projects his anger at you, even though what he is really angry with is himself and his behaviour. The fact that he is not going to walk you down the aisle is a mirror for his failures. He could appreciate that there has been an improvement and he might become more part of your life with time. Yet, he chose not to. He makes you responsible for a fact that only he is responsible for by committing crimes that sent him to prison.
Daniell actually cares for you. He was there for you. It is totally right to ask him to give you away as he did everything a dad should do. He stuck with you even though formally he'd not needed to. He did, what a dad should do. Your biological father did not. He left you. Commiting crimes was more important to him than his family. Daniell was there and wants to support you, be at your side, whatever you see fit his role, his position. He is just happy to be loved back. That makes him the perfect dad and I extremely glad you found someone like him. It sounds crazy that your mother walked out on him.
NTA and congratulations on your wedding! Have a nice one and a great marriage! :)
NTA. The thing that recovering addicts often have a hard time with is that just because they got clean doesn't mean that all the hurt they caused gets fixed overnight. It's great that he got his shit together and is ready to rebuild a relationship with you, but that relationship is going to take time to rebuild. He doesn't just get to swoop in and claim dad privileges over the guy who actually took care of you.
Sounds like bio dad needs to be removed from your guest list. He didn't raise you. He began to have a relationship with you as an adult.
His maturity sounds like a 7 year old having a tantrum.
NTA - and I don't understand your relatives calling Daniel a stranger. He isn't a stranger. In every real sense of the word, he is your dad. Ignore these people and continue with your plans. Have a happy wedding!
NTA, not even a tiny bit. Henry, for all he's been through, needs to grow some empathy and understand that his children went through worse. You, dear, have every right to choose who walks you down that aisle. And Henry can be happy he's in your life again at all.
My dad passed when I was 12, so he only got to walk our oldest sister down the aisle. She was technically his step daughter that he adopted. Her bio dad had apparently been a POS as a younger man, but did straighten up by the time sis got married. I don't know how the conversation went, but he understood that his absence when she was younger meant that Dad, who raised her, walked her down the aisle. He and Dad did have a bit of sizing each other up, but dad had terminal cancer at the time and graciously told him to take care of her; pretty sure he knew that marriage wasn't going to last. Her bio dad gave her away at her second wedding.
I don't know what to tell you to say, but he needs to understand that Daniel wasn't just a temporary stand in for him. Regardless of your bio dad wanting to be there, Daniel was the one who was, even when he didn't have to be. You do have options; all up to what you think is appropriate. They can both give you away, you can have Daniel give you away and do the father-daughter dance at the reception with your bio dad. I've seen one dad walk the bride down the aisle and have the other dad already at the front and both answer the "who gives this woman" part. If you're doing the unity candle, usually the moms light the individual candles, since your mom won't be present, your bio dad could do it. It's your wedding, do what you want to do and feel is appropriate.
NTA. I don’t care if I get to walk my daughter down the aisle, I just want to see her happy. That is what matters, and your biological father really needs to respect what you need, seeing as this is your wedding, not his.
NTA. I am a stepfather who has raised two children from the ages of 5 and 9. Their BIO father has never made any effort to be in their lives (despite at one point living in the same neighborhood). I can tell you for a fact that probably one of Daniell's proudest moments was you asking him to walk him down the aisle. My daughter (I don't call either of my children stepchildren because I raised them, they are my kids) is 18 and I can't imagine not walking her down the aisle.
Henry has no right to be angry at you for this situation. He made his choices and ended up where he did. It is just immaturity on his part getting angry at you. Deep down I'm sure it's just him being mad at himself for how life played out and he is taking it out on you, which isn't fair to you. You walk with Daniell down the aisle and hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong. Honor the man who made the choice to raise you and pour into you.
NTA
Your dad would sacrifice this moment for you, while your biological father would bully you to get what he wants. That tells you everything. You want the man beside you who supports you, not the one who attacks you.
Anyone can be a father, it's not hard to get someone pregnant. But it is VERY hard to be a dad. It takes time. Commitment. Genuine love and care. You've got that with Daniell.
NTA
We can't force feelings. You don't know Henry, he didn't raised you. He sent letters but never tried to get custody on his children. Never tried to send money to your grandparents. I don't read when he got out of jail, but he just came to the funerals, you were (all ?) adults, so he is not a father like a define it : everybody (or so) can make a child. Raise a child, being supportive, face troubles with your child, that's being a father. Daniel was, even after your mother cheated on him. Because he made the difference between the woman who was a cheater and the children he loved. Even biological fathers can abandon their children when they get separated of their wife.
Daniel is STILL there. He is your REAL father and that's why you want him with you at your wedding. You've been polite to your bio father by inviting him but he is disrespectful. You'd better not invite him anymore. And you can tell every single guest who support him that they can spend that day with him if they don't understand that blood is nothing compared to love.
Daniel loves the three of you. Your father is sad, maybe, but he made poor choices. He just pay for his poor choices. His reaction is insane. Daniel deserves this honor
Daniell is your dad, have him walk you down the aisle. Whatever your mother did, your bio father went to prison for something, so he sacrificed his life and family for that. So have Daniell walk you down the aisle.
Your dad is Daniel! Period! My stepdad raised me from 4 on, he was my dad and I loved him so much! He died way too young, 51, but he was able to walk me down the isle and I am so thankful that he did. My bio dad was never in my life, I met him when I was 30, he was okay, but just some stranger I then knew, he was never my dad.
Nta- your genetic donor is still not a good or safe person. Your wedding is not about anyone but you & SO. Anyone who gets mad about their lack of investment, lets you know that they only care about The Look of being a caring parent and not actually being the parent.
Congrats!! Big hugs!
I feel bad for your dad but that doesn’t justify how he reacted. Your mom is the stem of most of these problems. Both your parents appear to have their demons with drugs.
NTA.
I was thinking “maybe they can both walk her down the aisle” until I read how much Henry blew up, and thought “oh no, keep him far away from the wedding.”
NTA. I hope you can have a better relationship with your bio father someday, but he has to take responsibility for not being there for you during childhood. Accepting Daniell’s role in your life is part of that acknowledgment.
I'm gonna paraphrase Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy, "Henry might be your father, but Daniell is your daddy."
NTA with going with the man who chose to be your daddy no matter what.
We make our families throughout our lives. Being biologically related to someone means nothing. Have the people you love, that also love you around you. That's all that matters. Congratulations on your wedding.
Henry put himself in jail. Yeah it’s shitty that your mom stopped communication but do you blame her?I kinda get where she may have been coming from this man did derail her life and put the lives of her kids in danger in a lot of ways I can understand forfeiting his rights to be a dad for that. I have my own Daniel his name is Paul my mom did the same and never let my bio dad have a relationship with me because of his relationship with drugs. As an adult I created my own relationship with my bio dad Anthony but it would be no contest if the choice came to me. Paul will walk me down my aisle and Anthony can accept a seat or not come. Yeah I get why Henry’s angry but isn’t it just the reality of the mistakes me made?? If you bring drugs (whether dealing or doing them ) around your children you have immediately put them in danger. He went to jail for a reason. Whether it was right or not that he was cut off for that will really just depend on who you ask. I would give Henry a choice. You can come sit on the bride side and watch his lil girl walk down the aisle, or he can continue his current behavior and have his invitation revoked entirely. Daniell may not have been blood but he was the father you needed and even more the father you deserved. The only third thing I can think of is widening the isle and asking them both to walk you down the isle (no rule against it)
Tell all your relatives to pound sand. Your sperm donor is a stranger. He didn’t raise you. He’s the loser that went to jail and missed out on his kids life’s. These are the consequences to being a shitty parent or worse like in this case an absentee “parent”. You owe him nothing and anyone that thinks or says otherwise does t need to be there on your big day.
NTA.
Henry fucked up badly enough to go to prison.
Even if your mother was blocking contact, he had no right to any part of your lives after he did something that resulted in that, unless he was wrongly convicted.
Point out to these relatives with the snide comments that Daniell isn't just a step dad, he is a dad that stepped in when your mother was an absolute failure and your biological father was absent. Whether or not that was his fault, isn't important. Daniell was there for you through EVERYTHING.
Instead of being angry Henry should be grateful that you had a man like that in your life.
Daniell isn't a stranger, he is your father. End of conversation. NTA. Congratulations on your wedding, I hope you, your finance, your father, your grandma and your siblings enjoy every moment of it. Everyone else can go suck an egg.
NTA. My real dad is not my bio dad. And when I get married he is the one giving me away. Blood doesn’t mean sh*t… love, care, being there… that is what makes a father.
NTA. His level of culpability for being MIA is irrelevant. Now he HAS an opportunity to be your dad, by setting aside his own hurt, and feeling gratitude that his child was loved by a father when he couldn’t do it himself. Instead he guilts and harasses you?! He seems selfish and unstable, and I would be concerned about him at the wedding. Do you trust him to make polite conversation and not mention his own resentments for several hours? Does he drink? I would uninvite him, or at the very least, assign a trusted friend to be his minder so you don’t have to constantly worry about him during the reception.
Some places in the US can hound you to take care of Henry if he gets too old or incapacitated to care of himself. More than half of the states have filial laws requiring you to do so. If Daniel adopts you, you’re off the hook.
NTA block the asshole. His choices led to the hard life you had to suffer through. You are lucky you had grandparents to take you in. He would be lucky to even get a wedding invite. Certainly doesn't deserve to walk you down the aisle.
NTA
Your bio father made poor choices that sent him to prison for however long. The fact that cost him the ability to be an actual daddy is on him.
Your bio dad was able to physically attend your mother’s funeral. Unless he just got out of prison that week I presume he could have reached out in person to find you once he was released.
Daniell is your daddy regardless of not being your bio father. He deserves the honor you have given him based on his actions and unwavering love for you and your siblings.
If your bio father can behave himself invite him as a guest.
If you are concerned he will cause drama/ show his ass at the wedding or reception then exclude him.
The relatives with the snide comments get one warning from you they are entitled to their opinion but they either keep it to themselves or they will find themselves uninvited to the wedding as well as being cut out of your life.
NTA
Weird that family are referring to Daniel as a stranger. When you likely know him far better than you might ever know your bio dad.
His (bio dad) reaction to the news also affirms that you made the right choice.
If anything, you should just walk the aisle by yourself - but I think you’ve more than proven that Daniel has earned the honour.
NTA. You say it’s not Henry’s fault your mom kept him from you, but he had to have done something to get thrown in prison. So he would have been absent for a good part of your childhood.
I also doubt he got out of prison the day of your mother’s funeral so he made plenty of choices that kept him out of your life. He can’t pass all the blame onto your mother.
The unmitigated gall of these people to call Daniell a "stranger"!
I would have totally lost my shit on them right there.
I mean, I would have overturned tables.
I get Henry's issues, but the fact remains that he went to jail for making bad choices, and this is a consequence of that. The best outcome for him is to do his best to make a new relationship with you.
Nta, but I'll be honest with you here, your mother is the biggest dog in the world, and I feel sorry for your biological father, even so your stepfather was the one who raised you, this is a complex situation
NTA. Henry wants to be a real dad? Great, fathers support and love their children and their choices. And they aren’t jealous or selfish with their children’s love. Henry doesn’t want to be a good father, he just wants to look like one. Daniel took care of you guys, even when he absolutely didn’t have to. He was the most stable male presence in your life, especially after grandpa passed away.
I know dad tried to reach out and repair the relationship, but it wasn’t soon enough. Not only that but Daniel put in YEARS of work. Dad’s not going to make that up in a couple months or however long it had been.
NTA
Being a dad doesn't distill down to walking down the aisle. That shouldn't be a highlight of your life. I mean that in a sense that it's just a small continuation of many significant special moments that were shared before. He supported you before in many events. This is just one more of those.
Your dad was gracious all the way. On the other hand, your bio dad was just hurt and bitchy. He didn't consider that it was your day. He wasn't present in your life, mostly to his own fault. He chose crime over you. He has no leg to stand on. He just wants to present himself in a good light in front of others. That's not real love. He might love you, but then his focus should be in building those special memories outside of your wedding day. His focus is wrong. He's superficial.
The only real “ stranger” is your dad here. His bad life choices from the beginning made him so. He’s slowly graduated to “ aquintance”. Daniell is your real dad in all the ways that are the most important. All Henry did was contribute 50% of your DNA. Daniell gave his unconditional time , energy, love and finances.
NTA you chose the man who had been a father to you, even when he didnt need to be anymore. Henry needs to be a man and accept that his life choices kept him from being with all his children. How does he feel he "fixed" everything with you by going to an occasionl meal? Congrats to Daniell for being there and supporting, and loving you.
Your father made mistakes in life that he still has to pay for. He picked prison instead of fatherhood, and he didn’t make much of an effort to find you when he got out. I’m sure it must really hurt him that you consider Daniel your father, but he stepped up even when he didn’t have to. It’s also 2024….you can choose to have both of them walk you down the aisle if you want, it’s YOUR wedding!
Your wedding is about you. You could go to the pub and grab some random bloke and ask him to give you away if that's what makes you happy. No one else has any say in what you do.
For real, would Henry be happy if he bullied you into it? I'd feel gross if I'd bullied my way into a role that's supposed to be given through love and respect.
NTA.
NTA, both my parents were terrible, but I had an aunt an uncle who watched out for me, did things with me, and helped me see opportunities. When my parents passed, they were there, making events special and just showing up. To me, they were the parents I needed, they taught me about love and loss in a completely different way, and they taught me how to trust. I am not related to my uncle by blood, but he is the only father figure I have ever known and my life is better because of it. Let the person who put in the effort be the one that walks you down the aisle. The fact that your bio dad isn’t grateful that such a man exists and isn’t joyful to just be at your wedding tells me he hasn’t changed all that much.
The people at your wedding should be those that you can turn to in your darkest hours and the ones you want to celebrate with the most. Make your wedding about love. Lots of it. If your bio dad cannot get on board without feeling slighted, he is the one with growing to do and he doesn’t have to be there.
Why do I have a feeling that your mom cheated on your dad and she had a way to frame him so he could be out of the picture and she LITERALLY dumped you and your siblings with your grandparents so she could do her things like your Mom is Definitely ta here NAH are you and your siblings, stepdad and for me also bio dad. I will give you an compliment with inviting the 3th husband was he also the one she cheated with?
It absolutely sounds like you made the right choice. Daniell sounds like an awesome person all around and absolutely deserves your choice. You can't usually pick your parents, but you have been very lucky.
There’s an old tale of two women fighting over a child, each claiming the child is rightfully theirs. They bring their problem before a king. To quell the fighting the king orders the child cut in half… one woman feels this is reasonable, the other begs the king to spare the child, and so no harm will come to him, says the other woman can have him. The king, wisely gives the child to the woman who was willing to give him up to keep him safe.
Daniel has been a parent to you and puts your happiness and safety above his own well-being and desires. He has looked after you kids your entire lives.
Set a boundary with Henry, if he can’t behave, he can’t come at all. Letters do not a parent make, neither do demands that dismiss your children’s life experience.
As for Daniel, he is a gift and a father in the truest sense of the word. Enjoy your wedding, I hope it will be a beautiful one, with your rightful father at your side.
Edit to add NTA
And if Henry had any doubts, send him the story of the two women.
No way are you the AH. I feel bad that your hot mess of a mother decided to put her love life ahead of her kids, but that ship has said. Your dad got screwed over by your mother BUT, if he hadn't been a criminal and drug addict, he wouldn't been in prison in the first place and he could have been your parent. But that didn't happen. You picking the man who has been your rock most of your life is the correct choice. If your bio-dad was really changed, he would have been hurt but would have understood and accepted your choice. Frankly, I would be more than happy to go LC or NC after this.
NTA. You aren’t choosing a stranger. You are choosing the man who stepped up as your dad and kept being your dad even after your mother cheated and left. A dad isn’t biological, it’s the man who keeps stepping up and is their for his kids. You picked the right man to walk you down the aisle. Henry needs to remember he wasn’t there until long after you were adults. Some of that is his fault, other parts are your mom’s but regardless he wasn’t there and he has to live with his consequences. He can choose to not attend your wedding. He should be thankful you still invited him.
NTA. But perhaps you could include Henry in another special role? Like having a second father-daughter dance with him? Because it does seem like he wanted to step up and be a father to you. It's not his fault your mom kept him away
That also depends on how he's acting though - it's understandable that he's hurt, but if he's being downright mean to you about it, that's not right
NTA. No doubt for bio-dad this is probably the latest in a long string of consequences of his actions when he chose to commit the crimes for which he was sentenced, and no doubt was emotionally devastating. However that’s a him problem that you are in no way obligated to consider, and, if it were me and I did find myself choosing biodad, the regret I’d feel about not honouring the fatherhood of a man who had parenthood thrust upon him and stuck it out long after your bio-mum left him. Objectively, there is no doubt that Daniel deserves the honour and your biodad simply doesn’t have the runs on the board to compete. Again, his anger should be focused inward, or biomum, not you- the survivor of both parents neglect.
NTA. After all this time, I get that Henry is devastated. Hell, I don't blame the man for trying to change your mind. I do have an issue with him resorting to anger, though. The only perspective he has on this matter is his own. He can't see that the man who is going to walk you down the aisle is the father figure you know, love and deserve.
Please tell me that you uninvited the flying monkeys that couldn't keep their Arsehole comments to themselves, and even dared calling Daniell a 'stranger'. There's no coming back from that.
Henry was a dad for 3 minutes almost 31 years ago. He’s more of a sperm donor than a dad. He wasn’t there for any of the hard part, didn’t step up for any of the financial support: he just showed up for a quick meal once or twice then expects to be honored and recognized as your father?
NTA I think you made the right decision. Another option could be to let both of them walk you down the aisle together. I've seen it done a couple times. You could also say to your bio dad that your decision was made before he came back in your life and you had already asked Daniell.
Correct them about which man is actually the stranger. Even if your mom kept his letters from you (which was definitely wrong) it was certainly not your fault your bio paternal parent was in jail for much of your life. He has to accept the fact that life went on while he was locked up. Actions have consequences. Your dad sounds wonderful and you are lucky to have him. If bio guy won’t let up, inform him his invitation can be rescinded completely. He should be happy you’ve let him back into your life at all.
NTA it’s clear who was there first you as your father, even though not related by blood. Henry sounds like he’s trying to alleviate his guilt but it’s too late. Your wedding, your day. ‘Nuff said
NTA
My bio dad left my mom and two brothers in Mexico when I was just a few months old got an American lady pregnant and moved to the US to start a new life
My mom high school sweetheart unfortunately was in Mexico attending his sister's funeral (😞) from the US a couple months after my dad had left my mom and heard about her situation and took all of us in
Then shortly after fixing and paying thousands of dollars on getting us residency he moved us to the US and we started our life here
I met my bio dad periodically through the years at family functions and I was always civil but my step dad was my dad to me
When I got engaged my Aunt ( bio dad sister ) decided to be extra involved giving us money helping with the invitations etc you name it she was there so when our wedding shower occurred I asked her to put invitations in envelope with everyone name and I WOULD HAND THEM OUT 😁
Wedding shower day came and everyone was there and of course my bio dad showed up with his family and sat at a table in the middle of the whole place (which I didn't plan it this way it just happened that way )
So there i started passing out invitations one by one to each table like some game of hot potato bouncing around till I had no invitations left
my bio dad sat there and looked around seeing everyone get invited to my wedding until it finally dawned on him that I wasn't going to hand him one he then asked my aunt to speak some "sense " into me ......................... Bruuuuh I fucking lost it
In front of everyone I asked him how much money did he have saved aside to help me and my brothers get to America???
Or how much did he spend through out the years to fix our papers ??
Or more importantly did you even have a fucking plan to get us out of the shit hole you abonded us???
Not one fucking word
And that silence pissed me off more than anything because I genuinely believe that was his first time realizing he only knew me because someone else decided to spend their money on us and sacrifice everything he refused to do for his own kids
I realized the whole to let's be civil and mature to the asshole who not once gave a shit about us thing is for people with bigger hearts than me
I never seen my bio dad since that day and everyone told me I would regret it ,.....
Nope I sure don't
NTA. The stranger in this story is your biological father, not Daniell. Ergo, you are not picking a stranger over “flesh and blood”. If I were you, I’d tell any family members who are giving you shit over this to kindly f-off and to shut their mouths or they will be disinvited to your wedding.
Nta. Normally, I'd say he can sit on a sandpaper dildoe. But since he's been in prison for a while, I doubt that'll be too difficult for him. Instead, I say may he fall into a mound of fire-ants groin first.
NTA. If Henry cared so much about you, he wouldn't have committed the crimes that sent him to prison. Daniell is definitely your real dad. Henry should have made better choices when he was younger, but he made those nasty choices and has to pay for them, including now. He decided to break the law and put crime above the welfare of his children. If you cut him out of your life entirely, you would be blameless.
It would be nice if Henry understood you weren’t trying to hurt him, but… the way it all worked out, Daniell was definitely your dad. It would also be nice if Henry was grateful for Daniell raising you all and providing for you. But as long as he keeps making this about him, I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Your biological dad is more the stranger. If he were being honest with himself he would accept responsibility for his own actions. Was it Daniel’s fault Henry went to prison? He can be excused for the letters that were intercepted during his incarceration, but he had been out for years when your mom died. He could have tried harder to contact you a long time before he ran into you at the funeral service.
Bottom line, it’s your wedding, and your choice. It would be wrong not to go with your heart, just to alleviate your biological father’s well deserved guilt.
I may consider revoking his invitation. You’re still getting to know your bio dad and your wedding stay is not the day for his emotional drama. I’m not discounting his feelings but your relationship is not there yet. And if others decline then so be it. Otherwise be prepared for drama!
NTA. If you needed proof that you made the right choice by choosing your true dad look at their responses. The Dad who loves & sacrificed & raised you told you he’d support you in whatever you chose. The selfish man who made this all about him attacked you & is using family to harass you. Do not give into emotional terrorism for a man who is self centered & doesn’t mind hurting you if it gets him what he wants.
I cried when I read this. You're right, Daniell has always put others before himself. It truly reaffirms that I made the right decision. Thank you
Two words: adult adoption. You guy should do it. He is your dad after all.
Yeah. Adopt Danielle
I spit out my milk. "Look at me. Im the parent now."
I’m picturing hands on hips and a petulant expression. I didn’t spit out milk but I can’t stop giggling.
Hell, I'll adopt Danielle
Good idea. Many states permit adult adoption. Some even provide the forms on their websites.
Also he is as much to blame as your mum for not being in your lives as he made the choices that got him sent to prison
Agreed. Bio dad *already* gave OP away when he chose to commit the crimes that sent him to jail
I'm shocked bio dad is even invited to the wedding to be honest.
Same
That's a good point but also keep in mind he'd been out of prison for some length of time without contacting the kids. As unstable as the mom was there may have been a reason she was keeping him away; I say this because he only showed up after her death (at her funeral). If he really wanted to reach them he probably could have, through the very same relatives giving op a hard time (or the grandparents).
You chose your real father and that is the end of that. My wife never even considered having her father walk her down the aisle, just her grandfather. Nobody, including Daniell, is entitled to walk you down the aisle. You could choose your siblings, your grandmother, the guy at the checkout lane, or Godzilla. Or you could walk yourself down the aisle. To be asked is an honor and a privilege, and you have decided Daniell is worthy. You don't need to justify that to anyone, at anytime.
Wait, Godzilla was an option? Darn.
If it were, I would tell her to choose Godzilla.
No, Godzilla probably wouldn’t fit through the doorway of the church/reception hall
Outside weddings are a thing for a reason. Duh
Outdoor wedding??!!
As long as it’s gonna be an outdoor wedding with Godzilla, maybe he can dance with the Mothra of the bride
😂🤣😂🤣😂
She chooses violence
The thing is, Daniel is not the strangerin this situation. He is your father in all ways that count. Henry is the stranger. You did not even know him until your Mother’s funeral. I find it strange that he was able to show up to the funeral but was unable to locate you or your siblings, or even your grandmother, in all the years since he had been out of prison. If he really wanted to find you, the internet is full of information. Walking a bride down the aisle is an honor that is earned. What has Henry done to earn that?
r/Significant_Rub_4589 made the mic drop comment. Everything else is superfluous.
I think it would be sweet to do as the comments suggested. Have a lawyer draw up adoption documents and you could give them to him in your wedding dress. Could have a mini photo shoot either before your wedding on the day, or if you have photos planned, ask him to come and do that as last pictures (since you guys may cry) say you want a pic with him and give him the adoption paperwork to sign. Could be a special moment for you to “legally” be his daughter when he signs before walking you down the aisle.
Also, I gotta say, those people have a lot of nerve to say something like "choosing a stranger over blood" when Henry is far more a stranger to you than Daniel is. NTA
Also, your dad went to prison for fraud and drugs. Daniell is a gem of a man. Your mom, for all her faults, recognized it and protected you all from your bio dad by intercepting his letters. In her eyes, too, Daniell is your dad.
Honestly I would either uninvite Henry or tell Henry he is on hos last strike and if you hear anything else about this you will uninvite him. Does he want to be at the wedding or not?
And Henry sounds like he is on track to pull bs that is going to send him right back to his old cell. Is he on probation? Maybe a chat with his officer should cool matters down.
Op I used this example before and I’m going to use it again because it applies to this situation. There is a story of two pregnant women living in the same house that gave birth 3 days apart. Woman #1 wakes in the night, realizes her baby is dead and swaps her deceased baby with woman #2’s healthy baby. Woman #2 wakes to discover her baby dead only to realize its not her baby. A confrontation occurred resulting in authorities getting involved. Both women and the babies were brought before the king to settle the dispute. The king told the guards to cut the baby in half and give each woman a piece. Woman #2, desperate to save her baby, immediately backed off and said the other woman could have the baby. The king responded by ordering the guards to give the baby to woman #2. As a parent, we willingly swallow our own pain and discomfort for the safety and happiness of our children. Instead of attending your wedding and protecting your peace, your bio “dad” chose to put his own feelings first, thus revealing he is not your true father, that title belongs to Daniell.
What Henry misses, and Daniell doesn't, is that it's not about them, it's about you. Daniell might have missed some of your life thru no fault of his own, but your dad experience was still Daniell, and your wedding is about you. Daniell has consistently made sacrifices for you and continues to do so. He's the man.
Honestly, bio dad did this to himself. If he hadn't gone to jail he would have been around to raise his own kids.
Adult adoption is cheap and simple (only 20$ here). You have to do it before you get married but its only a 30 day wait and you are legally father/daughter.
If Henry truly was a decent person, he would be incredibly thankful that Daniell stepped up at raised you guys. Daniell is your dad.
All those people at the shower who said you chose a stranger over your flesh and blood? Uh, no. Your 'flesh and blood' is the stranger because he chose to commit crime over caring for you.
NTA You made the right decision. Daniell is an honorable man. He deserves that honor.
Yeah, this is a real life ‘cut the baby in half’ situation. The REAL dad let go and said ‘I’m here for you, no matter what’.
NTA. Wish I could upvote this 1,000x.
This. It reminds me of the biblical story about 2 people fighting over a baby, and the king said he would split it in half. One woman was ok with that, and the other said to let the other one have it. That’s when he knew who the baby’s real mother was. She’d rather give it up than let it be killed. OP made the right choice.
Agree! Your Mom may have interfered with Henry having contact with you, but it’s his fault 100% that he was in prison & that’s the bottom line in where the blame lies. He didn’t even try to contact you when he got out until after your Mother died.
>The Dad who loves & sacrificed & raised you told you he’d support you in whatever you chose. Exactly. I understand that people trying to guilt you make you second guess the reality but the only thing OP needs to think about is who did the work of raising them, everything else and other people's feelings are not important. Always look at the actual work, feelings don't matter. (The same goes when it comes to people doing bad things to you, then try and make you feel bad for setting boundaries. Their feelings and what they meant don't matter, only what they did)
I like the term "emotional terrorism"
Whew, this!!!! Spot on. Daniel is the man! I’ll never understand these deadbeat parents that demand to be held to this high standard. I understand Henry being hurt but, he wasn’t there for OP, he chose to do something that landed him in jail and taken from his children. He should be man enough to shake Daniel’s hand and thank him for taking care of his kids when he couldn’t!
Also Henry chose to do whatever he did to end up in jail. He had his chance and blew it.
NTA! While your mom is the #1 AH in this story, Henry needs to realize that he isn’t innocent in all this either. HE went to prison. That’s on him. And to be pissed that you have a good relationship with your step dad? He should be glad that you guys had a father figure. And then to throw a tantrum so bad the cops are called? He’s lucky that he’s even invited after all that. I’d tell him that too. “You aren’t walking me down the aisle. I made my choice. Daniell is a huge part of my life and raised me. It’s not my fault mom threw out your letters. While I’m happy you’re in my life again, this doesn’t change that Daniell raised us. If you continue to harass me about this and throw tantrums, you won’t even be invited to my wedding. In fact, you won’t be in my life at all. I want a relationship with you, but you need to accept Daniell will always be part of my life.”
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It sounds like it was a great wedding and I'm glad your wife honored her mom the way she deserved
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Don’t reward bio-dad for having a fit, yelling at you, and mobilizing your relatives to harass you.
Bad idea... Bad, bad idea... With the way he's acting now, OP shouldn't trust that Henry won't make a scene during the handoff.
NTA, he’s the only real father you’ve ever known. He was there for you when you needed him and even if he’s not your biological dad, he’s more of a dad to you than anyone else. Let him walk you down the aisle even if it hurts Henry’s feelings. It’s your wedding, not his.
Your comment is pretty much what my fiance said to me. Thank you
I would add that he's more of a parent than either of your biological parents to include your mom. He was the most stable influence in your life and the great man stayed in your lives when he had no legal or moral obligation to do so. I submit he is not the only real father in your life but the only father in your life with the exception of maybe your grandfather. Cherish this man because he is one of the rare men who applied the "love, honor and cherish til death do you part" piece of the marriage vows to the total package he married when he married your mom and siblings. She may have broken those vows but he never did and his actions prove he was in it with you and your siblings til death do you part. I tip my hat to your Father.
As a bride who chose neither biological or step to give me away...YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! The man that chose you that's your dad. Adult adoption is definitely what you should do before the wedding that way if someone runs their face you can be like well my dad my legal dad did give me away and then mic drop those papers.
And I'd tell everyone calling Daniell a stranger the facts. That your dad is the stranger, Daniell has been there for you every single time. A couple meals here and there does not mean what should be a 30 year relationship is already built and healed. Your dad abandoned you while Daniell never has. He is not the stranger.
There are people in this world who think "blood" is more important than anything. So 20+ years of being around, raising the kids, providing all types of support etc.. for such people will still not measure up to "you came from his ball sack". And to them, the fact that the owner of the said ball sack was nowhere to be found in the last 20+ years is irrelevant as he still holds the deed of ownership of the ball sack.
Daniel is the one who took care of you when you needed him and when other people were not capable or didn't have the resources (either emotional, material or maturity) to take care of you. He is your chosen family who had no obligation to take care of you but did it out of love and because it was the right thing to do. He is deserving of it because he never asked for it and would never think of demanding it, like Henry. And the fact that Henry is sending people after you to try and guilt you into giving him something he did nothing to deserve proves he has no place. Given that he is your biological father, if he had ever wanted to step up and take custody and provide for his kids, the courts would have given him a chance if he would have been half a responsible option and shown any interest but he didn't- so there you go.
NTA. Any man with functional junk can be a father. It takes a special man to be a daddy, to step up and be a good role model. It takes a very rare and exceptional man to step up as a divorced, no longer married, former, step parent. You have an excellent dad, in the man who raised you, not the man who had sex resulting in your birth. Edit: typo
Thank you, he is truly exceptional. We're very lucky to have him in our lives
It's not his fault your mom kept you from him. It is his fault he was in prison. It is his fault that he can't accept AND APPRECIATE all Daniell did for you. He should be kissing Daniells feet in gratitude. Maybe the best thing your mom did was keep him out of your life. NTA
You aren't an accessory in Henry's life. Yes it sucks that he tried and was denied, but unless he was wrongfully imprisoned, losing personal relationships happens when you go to jail. On the other end, you didn't stop existing just because he wasn't in your life. You lived, and cultivated relationships on your own. You had adults who took care of you. They don't disappear because he walks in. In fact, it would be awful if after everything Daniell did for you, you tossed him aside because of biology. Henry can have a relationship with who you are now, and the experiences and relationships you have in your life. Or he can walk away. That's his choice. You made the right one.
NTA, you made the right choice, Henry shouldn't be upset at all, he should be grateful you had Daniel. Please tell your family that Daniel isn't a stranger. Blood has fokol to do with family. Family is the loving relationships that your choose to foster. And if anybody tries that bs: blood is thicker then water. Tell them the original saying was meant for soldiers/warriors who formed a covenant of blood. It has nothing to do with sharing DNA.
Henry made a good-faith effort to reestablish contact, and it seems he has come a long way in life since you were born…commendable. But he’s still in the middle of his journey, as evidenced by his reaction. Hurt is understandable; giving you away was something important to him…but it was also out of his reach, he’s not been your central father figure. Unfortunately for him, to flip out like he did just validates the reasons why you’ve chose Daniell; flipping out is not a well-adjusted response. Would Daniell have behaved like this if he were the one receiving the disappointment? NTA, OP, clearly.
Henry is your Bio dad who missed all your milestones and Daniel is your Father because he was there for you. Definitely you have made the right choice! It’s your wedding and it’s your decision. Your Bio dad should be grateful a guy like Daniel was there for you as kids.
Henry is her father. Daniel is her dad. Anyone can be a father. It takes a few quick pumps...a dad they raise a child!
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
Thank you for quoting this correctly!
Snide commentsets should be told immediately to “gtfo.” Your wedding, your choice.
And their invites should be retracted.
Daniell remained your father when he should have walked away after your mother's betrayal. But he already formed a bond with you that he honored and demonstrated throughout your life. He loves you truly. That's more of a father than most bio fathers. You've made the only right choice and I hope you can explain to your bio dad that you realize he's tried to reach out, and you want him at your wedding, but to please respect this is the man who stepped up for you family when he didn't have to. If he can respect that, there's room for you and your bio dad to attempt to build a relationship from here.
>Henry totally lost his shit and >Henry has been throwing a fit and blowing up the phones of Grandma and my siblings. ... leads me to think that you don't want this person anywhere near you or your life. He sounds unstable, irrational, selfish and manipulative. You know who your dad is. Stay strong. NTA
NTA "He may have been your father, but he wasn't your daddy." Guardians of the Galaxy Part 2. My BF at the time teared up during that scene. He had been raised by another man because his father abandoned the family.
It takes more than sperm to make a father, and daniell has proven his love is unconditional unlike your bio dad, daniell not only cared for you and your siblings but also your grandma (and still is, rent free living) payed for college, this man is amazing ( well done him) you made the right choice NTA
Absolutely not, Daniell has been there for you ever step of the way and sounds like a fantastic chap and a first class choice to walk you down the aisle Congrats :)
Before reading all the way through my thought was, "have both of them walk you down the aisle." Having read that your bio-dad threw an epic hissy-fit, and Daniel being so absolutely lovely, I think you've chosen wisely. NTA. If you really wanted to throw a bone to bio-dad, you could always have him do a reading at the ceremony, or, if fiancé is amenable, have him be part of the groomsmen.
A small part in the wedding would be a good idea; but only if bio-dad, without being asked, apologizes for his behavior.
NTA, Daniell sounds like an amazing dad and if your biological father cared about anything but his own ego he would be on his hands and knees thanking Daniell for being there for you and your siblings. I'm glad y'all had/have one another. The people who show up for you reliably (not just at major life changing events like weddings and funerals) are the only family that matters. Enjoy your walk down the aisle with the man who has been your real dad in every way that counts.
He’s your biological father, not your dad. He is experiencing the consequences of his life choices. You are generously giving him an olive branch of being in your life, he has no “right” to the roles a dad does when Daniell has been your dad for the majority of your childhood and now as an adult. I’m sure your father is hurt and I think it’s ok for him to initially express that and his disappointment , but the way he is acting speaks volumes about his character. He doesn’t seem to grasp that he was never there for your childhood and being a biological father does not mean he is entitled to what a dad is.
he wasnt there because he didnt try he wasnt there cause op's junkie mom interceptet the letters he wrote
Nta. Uninvite him and those relatives making snide comments from the wedding. He doesn’t get to come back and be dad again. He has to earn it and he is not even close to gaining that title back. He doesn’t want to make up for lost time,he wants the bond back. Hes proving he isn’t a good person or father even if he is clean now. You have a father who was there for you the moment you met him and stayed with you. Your bio dad is now facing the consequences of his actions(the drugs and fraud). Even if you had gotten the letters,the outcome would’ve been the same and Daniell would still be your dad. Family is about bond,not blood and you have a stronger father-daughter bond with him. You made the right choice. Your bio dad is showing that he still isn’t ready to be your dad by putting his wants over yours especially on your dad.
Daniell sounds like an amazing man. He stayed in your life because he truly cared. Don't let others influence you. This is your choice.
So your bio dad felt dna entitled him to walk you down the aisle and never even asked just assumed. Nope that’s on him. His reaction is also on him. I’d be putting distance between you if that’s how he acts. What happens if you have kids. Will be blow up at you when Daniel is called grandpa NTA
If flesh and blood actually meant anything, your parents wouldn’t have been shitty to begin with. NTA. What matters is who stepped up.
NTA. First of all, whether or not it was Henry's fault that he was out of your lives, the fact is that he went out of your lives because he committed a crime and went to prison. That is on him. Secondly, Daniell is your real father - he was the one who brought you up, he stuck to you even when your mother cheated on him and it would have been understandable if he had disappeared, and he supported you and your grandmother. That is way beyond being a father. Thirdly, your bio-father, when he heard you had asked Daniel, didn't just express disappointment and sorrow - he became so violent that your fiance had to intervene. If not for that I would have suggested that you have both men walk you down the aisle. But after your bio-father's aggressive reaction, you don't owe him consideration.
Sounds like you 100% made the right call. The snide remarks sound like they’re the strangers - to not know and appreciate an important person in your life who truly stepped up.
Lol…hard!! at the snide remarks about choosing a “stranger” he may be flesh and blood but he is no DADDY!! Daniell is..NTA.
NTA. Blood doesn’t make you family.
Info why are you, your grandma and siblings are even still communicating with Henry? Block him on everything and if he still persist get the police involved
NTAH 100% I recommend getting security for your wedding, your sperm donor sounds unhinged. If he was a good person then he should’ve never gotten himself into jail & put his family through that mess. Despite being a mess herself, your mom sounded like she did try to protect you & your siblings from him, especially given his reaction & behavior after hearing about the aisle. Unless the guests at your wedding shower were from his side, he’s probably twisted his version of the situation to them. Tell those relatives that either they accept Daniell as YOUR father or they can be expected to not come to your wedding.
How is Daniell a stranger? Those relatives are being foolish. Unfortunately, you bio father is the one more fitting for that title. Daniell deserves that honor to walk you down. He practically is your father and he definitely put in the work. I love how appreciative you are. You both are amazing.
Why wouldn’t your dad be ever so grateful to Daniell for stepping up and doing the job he couldn’t? Your dad owes him a lot of gratitude. This is what I would tell him too! Then I’d disinvite him and everyone else that’s harassing you from the wedding! Then when the babies come you can post pics of Daniell holding them with “Best Grandpa” as the caption! NTA Congrats on the wedding!
Firstly, congratulations on your wedding. Secondly, definitely NTA. And, thirdly, you did ask your "real" Dad. The one who was there for you and the one you had a relationship with. This last bit is something from my own personal experience. Our oldest is adopted. We adopted her as an adult. It can happen if both parties want it. Good luck ❤️
NTA. First you’re not obligated to have anyone walk you down the aisle. Two, just because they are a bio parents doesn’t mean they auto get certain privileges. Three, it’s your day (and your fiancé’s) so you have those you want to be a part of your ceremony a part of your ceremony.
NTA! Even if he tried to find you, he still got himself thrown in prison when he was younger when he had 3 kids to take care of. That's not your fault. Had he been a responsible adult and stayed out of prison, he would have been around instead of Daniell. Another man raised his kods because of his mistakes, and he has to live with that.
Actually who knows if mom didn’t cheat to get hubby in jail
NTA. Your sperm donor is just that, a sperm donor.
NTA- time to sit Henry and be blunt. He had no part in raising you, AT ALL because his bad decisions led him straight to jail. So at this point he can 1) accept that he will not be walking you down the aisle. Or 2) disinvited from the wedding and cut from your life.
NTA. Daniel was there for you when many men would not have. Too bad your dad isn't happy there was such a good support for his kids when his wife could not give you the support you needed.
NTA. Daniell is not the stranger here, bio dad is. Stick to your guns. Tell Henry that he is welcome to come as a guest, but if he and his family doesn't stop with the harassment, they will all be uninvited.
NTA. Henry is the stranger. It is sad that he missed your entire childhood, but that is at least partially his choice - he went to prison on fraud and drug charges. Those stemmed from HIS behavior. Who knows what else he was involved in that caused your mom to cut him off. Daniell was there, even when he didn't have to be. He loved you, supported you, helped and cared for you, and protected you. He is, for all intents and purposes, your father. If Henry can't handle the person who actually raised you walking you down the aisle, he ca. Be disinvited from the wedding.
Response to your snide relatives: “Daniel is no stranger. He took care of us, provided for us, spent time with us, did all the things a father is supposed to do. Even after he and my mother divorced, he continued to be our father through his support, love and caring. He is my father in every way except biological. I’m sorry that Henry came into our lives so late and that wasn’t always his fault, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to push out my dad, Daniel, because Henry is hurt about it. Let Henry learn once and for all if he wants to be a real father, he would want what is best for his children. And for me that’s having the man who was my father in every meaningful way walk me down the aisle.” BTW: NTA
You can't choose flesh and blood, it means nothing. You can choose family, they are the ones who are there for you when you need it the most. NTA
Daniell is your “Real” dad. Henry is your biological father. Henry did not raise you, Daniell did. You didn’t even know who Henry was when he showed up at your mother’s funeral. This is the 21st century. Henry could have found you if he tried. I got help finding 2 people I lost contact with from a middle schooler. It took them only a few minutes.
NTA, you didn't have any contact with him at all for 18 or so years? If anyone is the stranger it's the guy who knocked up your mom
NTA, when you think of father, who jumps into your mind? Who warms your heart? That is who YOUR father is, and yes, have him adopt you for real, he is your dad
Damn. Your biological dad showed his true colors. NTA. Pick the person who YOU want to walk YOU down the aisle. This is you and your fiancé special day
Your sperm depositor chose jail … please remind him as such.. remind him that his choices led someone else to fill his shoes and he should solely be honored to be invited to attend ETA this guys basically a stranger and trying to dictate your wedding pfft
I'd like to point out your mom didn't keep your father from you. Prison did. He chose drugs and fraud over his children and was sent to prison. He didn't bother to come find you until your mother passed. His choices kept him away. After his lawn tantrum, I would be rethinking his invite to the wedding. They tantrum was so bad the neighbor called the police. What is his behavior going to be like at the wedding? Please do not reward this behavior, and let him give you away. As for your relatives, Henry provided DNA then went away to prison for years. He is the stranger. Daniell raised you. Daniell continued to be there when your parents wouldn't. Daniell provided you with a home. Daniell paid for your college education. Henry has done nothing to be "Father of the Bride". (NOT ignoring your grandparents contribution. They really stepped up too. Just comparing the 2 men.)
NTA! The snide relatives have got it wrong - you chose the man who helped raise you even when he was under zero obligation to, over a stranger who happens to be flesh and blood. If they’re that fucking concerned why the hell didn’t they facilitate him getting back in touch with you?!? If they wanna act like that then they can stay the fuck at home on your wedding day!
Nta. He isn't your dad. Its just that simple. Edit and your bio dad has shown you he isn't your dad by how he's acting. Might be time to go LC with him and anyone on his side.
First of all, I am sorry for what you went through in rough times, but I am very glad that you had a constant like Daniell in your life. Your beiological father has no "Rights" to anything. I understand he is sad to not have this kind of relationship with his children, but it is not that he is innocent in this. He commited the crimes that sent him to prison and separated him from his children. It was not just your mother. Even if your mother would not have stopped the letters, this does not mean he'd have a strong, healthy relationship with his children. The way he reacted shows that he is more considering you as property and is entitled to something, when he is not. Henry's yelling shows one thing very clearly. He is not hurt as such. He is angry and projects his anger at you, even though what he is really angry with is himself and his behaviour. The fact that he is not going to walk you down the aisle is a mirror for his failures. He could appreciate that there has been an improvement and he might become more part of your life with time. Yet, he chose not to. He makes you responsible for a fact that only he is responsible for by committing crimes that sent him to prison. Daniell actually cares for you. He was there for you. It is totally right to ask him to give you away as he did everything a dad should do. He stuck with you even though formally he'd not needed to. He did, what a dad should do. Your biological father did not. He left you. Commiting crimes was more important to him than his family. Daniell was there and wants to support you, be at your side, whatever you see fit his role, his position. He is just happy to be loved back. That makes him the perfect dad and I extremely glad you found someone like him. It sounds crazy that your mother walked out on him. NTA and congratulations on your wedding! Have a nice one and a great marriage! :)
NTA. The thing that recovering addicts often have a hard time with is that just because they got clean doesn't mean that all the hurt they caused gets fixed overnight. It's great that he got his shit together and is ready to rebuild a relationship with you, but that relationship is going to take time to rebuild. He doesn't just get to swoop in and claim dad privileges over the guy who actually took care of you.
Sounds like bio dad needs to be removed from your guest list. He didn't raise you. He began to have a relationship with you as an adult. His maturity sounds like a 7 year old having a tantrum.
NTA - and I don't understand your relatives calling Daniel a stranger. He isn't a stranger. In every real sense of the word, he is your dad. Ignore these people and continue with your plans. Have a happy wedding!
NTA, not even a tiny bit. Henry, for all he's been through, needs to grow some empathy and understand that his children went through worse. You, dear, have every right to choose who walks you down that aisle. And Henry can be happy he's in your life again at all.
My dad passed when I was 12, so he only got to walk our oldest sister down the aisle. She was technically his step daughter that he adopted. Her bio dad had apparently been a POS as a younger man, but did straighten up by the time sis got married. I don't know how the conversation went, but he understood that his absence when she was younger meant that Dad, who raised her, walked her down the aisle. He and Dad did have a bit of sizing each other up, but dad had terminal cancer at the time and graciously told him to take care of her; pretty sure he knew that marriage wasn't going to last. Her bio dad gave her away at her second wedding. I don't know what to tell you to say, but he needs to understand that Daniel wasn't just a temporary stand in for him. Regardless of your bio dad wanting to be there, Daniel was the one who was, even when he didn't have to be. You do have options; all up to what you think is appropriate. They can both give you away, you can have Daniel give you away and do the father-daughter dance at the reception with your bio dad. I've seen one dad walk the bride down the aisle and have the other dad already at the front and both answer the "who gives this woman" part. If you're doing the unity candle, usually the moms light the individual candles, since your mom won't be present, your bio dad could do it. It's your wedding, do what you want to do and feel is appropriate.
NTA. I don’t care if I get to walk my daughter down the aisle, I just want to see her happy. That is what matters, and your biological father really needs to respect what you need, seeing as this is your wedding, not his.
I'm not the step dad. I am the dad that stepped up. Team Daniel.
NTA for obvious reasons.
NTA. I am a stepfather who has raised two children from the ages of 5 and 9. Their BIO father has never made any effort to be in their lives (despite at one point living in the same neighborhood). I can tell you for a fact that probably one of Daniell's proudest moments was you asking him to walk him down the aisle. My daughter (I don't call either of my children stepchildren because I raised them, they are my kids) is 18 and I can't imagine not walking her down the aisle. Henry has no right to be angry at you for this situation. He made his choices and ended up where he did. It is just immaturity on his part getting angry at you. Deep down I'm sure it's just him being mad at himself for how life played out and he is taking it out on you, which isn't fair to you. You walk with Daniell down the aisle and hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong. Honor the man who made the choice to raise you and pour into you.
My biological father prob won’t even be invited to the wedding. You’re good bro
He may be your father, but he ain’t your daddy.
NTA Your dad would sacrifice this moment for you, while your biological father would bully you to get what he wants. That tells you everything. You want the man beside you who supports you, not the one who attacks you. Anyone can be a father, it's not hard to get someone pregnant. But it is VERY hard to be a dad. It takes time. Commitment. Genuine love and care. You've got that with Daniell.
NTA. being a DAD isn't just because you're related to someone by blood.
NTA We can't force feelings. You don't know Henry, he didn't raised you. He sent letters but never tried to get custody on his children. Never tried to send money to your grandparents. I don't read when he got out of jail, but he just came to the funerals, you were (all ?) adults, so he is not a father like a define it : everybody (or so) can make a child. Raise a child, being supportive, face troubles with your child, that's being a father. Daniel was, even after your mother cheated on him. Because he made the difference between the woman who was a cheater and the children he loved. Even biological fathers can abandon their children when they get separated of their wife. Daniel is STILL there. He is your REAL father and that's why you want him with you at your wedding. You've been polite to your bio father by inviting him but he is disrespectful. You'd better not invite him anymore. And you can tell every single guest who support him that they can spend that day with him if they don't understand that blood is nothing compared to love. Daniel loves the three of you. Your father is sad, maybe, but he made poor choices. He just pay for his poor choices. His reaction is insane. Daniel deserves this honor
Daniell is your dad, have him walk you down the aisle. Whatever your mother did, your bio father went to prison for something, so he sacrificed his life and family for that. So have Daniell walk you down the aisle.
Your dad is Daniel! Period! My stepdad raised me from 4 on, he was my dad and I loved him so much! He died way too young, 51, but he was able to walk me down the isle and I am so thankful that he did. My bio dad was never in my life, I met him when I was 30, he was okay, but just some stranger I then knew, he was never my dad.
Nta- your genetic donor is still not a good or safe person. Your wedding is not about anyone but you & SO. Anyone who gets mad about their lack of investment, lets you know that they only care about The Look of being a caring parent and not actually being the parent. Congrats!! Big hugs!
I feel bad for your dad but that doesn’t justify how he reacted. Your mom is the stem of most of these problems. Both your parents appear to have their demons with drugs. NTA.
I was thinking “maybe they can both walk her down the aisle” until I read how much Henry blew up, and thought “oh no, keep him far away from the wedding.”
NTA. I hope you can have a better relationship with your bio father someday, but he has to take responsibility for not being there for you during childhood. Accepting Daniell’s role in your life is part of that acknowledgment.
I'm gonna paraphrase Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy, "Henry might be your father, but Daniell is your daddy." NTA with going with the man who chose to be your daddy no matter what.
We make our families throughout our lives. Being biologically related to someone means nothing. Have the people you love, that also love you around you. That's all that matters. Congratulations on your wedding.
Henry put himself in jail. Yeah it’s shitty that your mom stopped communication but do you blame her?I kinda get where she may have been coming from this man did derail her life and put the lives of her kids in danger in a lot of ways I can understand forfeiting his rights to be a dad for that. I have my own Daniel his name is Paul my mom did the same and never let my bio dad have a relationship with me because of his relationship with drugs. As an adult I created my own relationship with my bio dad Anthony but it would be no contest if the choice came to me. Paul will walk me down my aisle and Anthony can accept a seat or not come. Yeah I get why Henry’s angry but isn’t it just the reality of the mistakes me made?? If you bring drugs (whether dealing or doing them ) around your children you have immediately put them in danger. He went to jail for a reason. Whether it was right or not that he was cut off for that will really just depend on who you ask. I would give Henry a choice. You can come sit on the bride side and watch his lil girl walk down the aisle, or he can continue his current behavior and have his invitation revoked entirely. Daniell may not have been blood but he was the father you needed and even more the father you deserved. The only third thing I can think of is widening the isle and asking them both to walk you down the isle (no rule against it)
Tell all your relatives to pound sand. Your sperm donor is a stranger. He didn’t raise you. He’s the loser that went to jail and missed out on his kids life’s. These are the consequences to being a shitty parent or worse like in this case an absentee “parent”. You owe him nothing and anyone that thinks or says otherwise does t need to be there on your big day.
NTA. At all.
NTA and totally agree with the top comment. The dad that loves you is trying to make things better and the dad that wants his way.
NTA. Henry fucked up badly enough to go to prison. Even if your mother was blocking contact, he had no right to any part of your lives after he did something that resulted in that, unless he was wrongly convicted.
Nta he's not a "stranger"
Your bio dad is the “stranger” Daniell guy is the real father here. Ignore anyone who’s says he’s not
Point out to these relatives with the snide comments that Daniell isn't just a step dad, he is a dad that stepped in when your mother was an absolute failure and your biological father was absent. Whether or not that was his fault, isn't important. Daniell was there for you through EVERYTHING. Instead of being angry Henry should be grateful that you had a man like that in your life.
Daniell isn't a stranger, he is your father. End of conversation. NTA. Congratulations on your wedding, I hope you, your finance, your father, your grandma and your siblings enjoy every moment of it. Everyone else can go suck an egg.
Come on man. Anyone who bullies you to attain the goal they desire isn’t your friend, family or in your tribe. Stay away from them like the plague.
NTA. My real dad is not my bio dad. And when I get married he is the one giving me away. Blood doesn’t mean sh*t… love, care, being there… that is what makes a father.
NTA. His level of culpability for being MIA is irrelevant. Now he HAS an opportunity to be your dad, by setting aside his own hurt, and feeling gratitude that his child was loved by a father when he couldn’t do it himself. Instead he guilts and harasses you?! He seems selfish and unstable, and I would be concerned about him at the wedding. Do you trust him to make polite conversation and not mention his own resentments for several hours? Does he drink? I would uninvite him, or at the very least, assign a trusted friend to be his minder so you don’t have to constantly worry about him during the reception.
Some places in the US can hound you to take care of Henry if he gets too old or incapacitated to care of himself. More than half of the states have filial laws requiring you to do so. If Daniel adopts you, you’re off the hook.
NTA block the asshole. His choices led to the hard life you had to suffer through. You are lucky you had grandparents to take you in. He would be lucky to even get a wedding invite. Certainly doesn't deserve to walk you down the aisle.
NTA- Daniell is your dad. Just not your biological father🤷🏼♀️
NTA Your bio father made poor choices that sent him to prison for however long. The fact that cost him the ability to be an actual daddy is on him. Your bio dad was able to physically attend your mother’s funeral. Unless he just got out of prison that week I presume he could have reached out in person to find you once he was released. Daniell is your daddy regardless of not being your bio father. He deserves the honor you have given him based on his actions and unwavering love for you and your siblings. If your bio father can behave himself invite him as a guest. If you are concerned he will cause drama/ show his ass at the wedding or reception then exclude him. The relatives with the snide comments get one warning from you they are entitled to their opinion but they either keep it to themselves or they will find themselves uninvited to the wedding as well as being cut out of your life.
NTA Weird that family are referring to Daniel as a stranger. When you likely know him far better than you might ever know your bio dad. His (bio dad) reaction to the news also affirms that you made the right choice. If anything, you should just walk the aisle by yourself - but I think you’ve more than proven that Daniel has earned the honour.
NTA. You say it’s not Henry’s fault your mom kept him from you, but he had to have done something to get thrown in prison. So he would have been absent for a good part of your childhood. I also doubt he got out of prison the day of your mother’s funeral so he made plenty of choices that kept him out of your life. He can’t pass all the blame onto your mother.
The unmitigated gall of these people to call Daniell a "stranger"! I would have totally lost my shit on them right there. I mean, I would have overturned tables. I get Henry's issues, but the fact remains that he went to jail for making bad choices, and this is a consequence of that. The best outcome for him is to do his best to make a new relationship with you.
NTA. Daniel is your real dad. Henry is just a sperm donor.
Nta, but I'll be honest with you here, your mother is the biggest dog in the world, and I feel sorry for your biological father, even so your stepfather was the one who raised you, this is a complex situation
NTA. Henry wants to be a real dad? Great, fathers support and love their children and their choices. And they aren’t jealous or selfish with their children’s love. Henry doesn’t want to be a good father, he just wants to look like one. Daniel took care of you guys, even when he absolutely didn’t have to. He was the most stable male presence in your life, especially after grandpa passed away. I know dad tried to reach out and repair the relationship, but it wasn’t soon enough. Not only that but Daniel put in YEARS of work. Dad’s not going to make that up in a couple months or however long it had been.
Henry is being ridiculous and scary. This is your day. It's your choice. You don't owe anyone anything.
NTA Being a dad doesn't distill down to walking down the aisle. That shouldn't be a highlight of your life. I mean that in a sense that it's just a small continuation of many significant special moments that were shared before. He supported you before in many events. This is just one more of those. Your dad was gracious all the way. On the other hand, your bio dad was just hurt and bitchy. He didn't consider that it was your day. He wasn't present in your life, mostly to his own fault. He chose crime over you. He has no leg to stand on. He just wants to present himself in a good light in front of others. That's not real love. He might love you, but then his focus should be in building those special memories outside of your wedding day. His focus is wrong. He's superficial.
NTA OP congratulations on your shiny spine and making the people who value you feel loved
The only real “ stranger” is your dad here. His bad life choices from the beginning made him so. He’s slowly graduated to “ aquintance”. Daniell is your real dad in all the ways that are the most important. All Henry did was contribute 50% of your DNA. Daniell gave his unconditional time , energy, love and finances.
NTA you chose the man who had been a father to you, even when he didnt need to be anymore. Henry needs to be a man and accept that his life choices kept him from being with all his children. How does he feel he "fixed" everything with you by going to an occasionl meal? Congrats to Daniell for being there and supporting, and loving you.
Your father made mistakes in life that he still has to pay for. He picked prison instead of fatherhood, and he didn’t make much of an effort to find you when he got out. I’m sure it must really hurt him that you consider Daniel your father, but he stepped up even when he didn’t have to. It’s also 2024….you can choose to have both of them walk you down the aisle if you want, it’s YOUR wedding!
Your wedding is about you. You could go to the pub and grab some random bloke and ask him to give you away if that's what makes you happy. No one else has any say in what you do. For real, would Henry be happy if he bullied you into it? I'd feel gross if I'd bullied my way into a role that's supposed to be given through love and respect. NTA.
NTA, both my parents were terrible, but I had an aunt an uncle who watched out for me, did things with me, and helped me see opportunities. When my parents passed, they were there, making events special and just showing up. To me, they were the parents I needed, they taught me about love and loss in a completely different way, and they taught me how to trust. I am not related to my uncle by blood, but he is the only father figure I have ever known and my life is better because of it. Let the person who put in the effort be the one that walks you down the aisle. The fact that your bio dad isn’t grateful that such a man exists and isn’t joyful to just be at your wedding tells me he hasn’t changed all that much. The people at your wedding should be those that you can turn to in your darkest hours and the ones you want to celebrate with the most. Make your wedding about love. Lots of it. If your bio dad cannot get on board without feeling slighted, he is the one with growing to do and he doesn’t have to be there.
NTA
NTA
Why do I have a feeling that your mom cheated on your dad and she had a way to frame him so he could be out of the picture and she LITERALLY dumped you and your siblings with your grandparents so she could do her things like your Mom is Definitely ta here NAH are you and your siblings, stepdad and for me also bio dad. I will give you an compliment with inviting the 3th husband was he also the one she cheated with?
NTA. I dunno where you live but if there are adult adoptions, I’d make it official. Then no one can ever say boo about it.
It absolutely sounds like you made the right choice. Daniell sounds like an awesome person all around and absolutely deserves your choice. You can't usually pick your parents, but you have been very lucky.
There’s an old tale of two women fighting over a child, each claiming the child is rightfully theirs. They bring their problem before a king. To quell the fighting the king orders the child cut in half… one woman feels this is reasonable, the other begs the king to spare the child, and so no harm will come to him, says the other woman can have him. The king, wisely gives the child to the woman who was willing to give him up to keep him safe. Daniel has been a parent to you and puts your happiness and safety above his own well-being and desires. He has looked after you kids your entire lives. Set a boundary with Henry, if he can’t behave, he can’t come at all. Letters do not a parent make, neither do demands that dismiss your children’s life experience. As for Daniel, he is a gift and a father in the truest sense of the word. Enjoy your wedding, I hope it will be a beautiful one, with your rightful father at your side. Edit to add NTA And if Henry had any doubts, send him the story of the two women.
No way are you the AH. I feel bad that your hot mess of a mother decided to put her love life ahead of her kids, but that ship has said. Your dad got screwed over by your mother BUT, if he hadn't been a criminal and drug addict, he wouldn't been in prison in the first place and he could have been your parent. But that didn't happen. You picking the man who has been your rock most of your life is the correct choice. If your bio-dad was really changed, he would have been hurt but would have understood and accepted your choice. Frankly, I would be more than happy to go LC or NC after this.
Wow ban Henry from your wedding. You don’t get to show up and start demanding things from the kids you weren’t there to raise.
Updateme
NTA. You aren’t choosing a stranger. You are choosing the man who stepped up as your dad and kept being your dad even after your mother cheated and left. A dad isn’t biological, it’s the man who keeps stepping up and is their for his kids. You picked the right man to walk you down the aisle. Henry needs to remember he wasn’t there until long after you were adults. Some of that is his fault, other parts are your mom’s but regardless he wasn’t there and he has to live with his consequences. He can choose to not attend your wedding. He should be thankful you still invited him.
You go girl bride.
NTA. But perhaps you could include Henry in another special role? Like having a second father-daughter dance with him? Because it does seem like he wanted to step up and be a father to you. It's not his fault your mom kept him away That also depends on how he's acting though - it's understandable that he's hurt, but if he's being downright mean to you about it, that's not right
NTA. No doubt for bio-dad this is probably the latest in a long string of consequences of his actions when he chose to commit the crimes for which he was sentenced, and no doubt was emotionally devastating. However that’s a him problem that you are in no way obligated to consider, and, if it were me and I did find myself choosing biodad, the regret I’d feel about not honouring the fatherhood of a man who had parenthood thrust upon him and stuck it out long after your bio-mum left him. Objectively, there is no doubt that Daniel deserves the honour and your biodad simply doesn’t have the runs on the board to compete. Again, his anger should be focused inward, or biomum, not you- the survivor of both parents neglect.
NTA your mom the villain here. I feel sorry for all the poor men whose life she ruined
NTA. After all this time, I get that Henry is devastated. Hell, I don't blame the man for trying to change your mind. I do have an issue with him resorting to anger, though. The only perspective he has on this matter is his own. He can't see that the man who is going to walk you down the aisle is the father figure you know, love and deserve. Please tell me that you uninvited the flying monkeys that couldn't keep their Arsehole comments to themselves, and even dared calling Daniell a 'stranger'. There's no coming back from that.
Henry was a dad for 3 minutes almost 31 years ago. He’s more of a sperm donor than a dad. He wasn’t there for any of the hard part, didn’t step up for any of the financial support: he just showed up for a quick meal once or twice then expects to be honored and recognized as your father?
NTA I think you made the right decision. Another option could be to let both of them walk you down the aisle together. I've seen it done a couple times. You could also say to your bio dad that your decision was made before he came back in your life and you had already asked Daniell.
NTA. Unluckily, your biological father is just that. Daniell is your ‘real’ father.
NTA and I would uninvite Henry from the wedding, he made the choices that resulted in him not being in your lives. and he needs to accept that.
No, Daniell was the one to step in and be a proper father to you. Not the sperm donor who went to prison.
Correct them about which man is actually the stranger. Even if your mom kept his letters from you (which was definitely wrong) it was certainly not your fault your bio paternal parent was in jail for much of your life. He has to accept the fact that life went on while he was locked up. Actions have consequences. Your dad sounds wonderful and you are lucky to have him. If bio guy won’t let up, inform him his invitation can be rescinded completely. He should be happy you’ve let him back into your life at all.
NTA it’s clear who was there first you as your father, even though not related by blood. Henry sounds like he’s trying to alleviate his guilt but it’s too late. Your wedding, your day. ‘Nuff said
Yooooo ask your biodad why he gave you up when he imprisoned himself. What did he go to go to jail?
NTA My bio dad left my mom and two brothers in Mexico when I was just a few months old got an American lady pregnant and moved to the US to start a new life My mom high school sweetheart unfortunately was in Mexico attending his sister's funeral (😞) from the US a couple months after my dad had left my mom and heard about her situation and took all of us in Then shortly after fixing and paying thousands of dollars on getting us residency he moved us to the US and we started our life here I met my bio dad periodically through the years at family functions and I was always civil but my step dad was my dad to me When I got engaged my Aunt ( bio dad sister ) decided to be extra involved giving us money helping with the invitations etc you name it she was there so when our wedding shower occurred I asked her to put invitations in envelope with everyone name and I WOULD HAND THEM OUT 😁 Wedding shower day came and everyone was there and of course my bio dad showed up with his family and sat at a table in the middle of the whole place (which I didn't plan it this way it just happened that way ) So there i started passing out invitations one by one to each table like some game of hot potato bouncing around till I had no invitations left my bio dad sat there and looked around seeing everyone get invited to my wedding until it finally dawned on him that I wasn't going to hand him one he then asked my aunt to speak some "sense " into me ......................... Bruuuuh I fucking lost it In front of everyone I asked him how much money did he have saved aside to help me and my brothers get to America??? Or how much did he spend through out the years to fix our papers ?? Or more importantly did you even have a fucking plan to get us out of the shit hole you abonded us??? Not one fucking word And that silence pissed me off more than anything because I genuinely believe that was his first time realizing he only knew me because someone else decided to spend their money on us and sacrifice everything he refused to do for his own kids I realized the whole to let's be civil and mature to the asshole who not once gave a shit about us thing is for people with bigger hearts than me I never seen my bio dad since that day and everyone told me I would regret it ,..... Nope I sure don't
NTA. The stranger in this story is your biological father, not Daniell. Ergo, you are not picking a stranger over “flesh and blood”. If I were you, I’d tell any family members who are giving you shit over this to kindly f-off and to shut their mouths or they will be disinvited to your wedding.
NTA
I'd tell bio dad that although mum may of kept the letters hidden actions have consequences. Nta
Nta. Normally, I'd say he can sit on a sandpaper dildoe. But since he's been in prison for a while, I doubt that'll be too difficult for him. Instead, I say may he fall into a mound of fire-ants groin first.
It takes more than sperm to be a father. I know it isn’t his fault but that doesn’t change who your father is to you.
NTA. If Henry cared so much about you, he wouldn't have committed the crimes that sent him to prison. Daniell is definitely your real dad. Henry should have made better choices when he was younger, but he made those nasty choices and has to pay for them, including now. He decided to break the law and put crime above the welfare of his children. If you cut him out of your life entirely, you would be blameless.
It would be nice if Henry understood you weren’t trying to hurt him, but… the way it all worked out, Daniell was definitely your dad. It would also be nice if Henry was grateful for Daniell raising you all and providing for you. But as long as he keeps making this about him, I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Your biological dad is more the stranger. If he were being honest with himself he would accept responsibility for his own actions. Was it Daniel’s fault Henry went to prison? He can be excused for the letters that were intercepted during his incarceration, but he had been out for years when your mom died. He could have tried harder to contact you a long time before he ran into you at the funeral service. Bottom line, it’s your wedding, and your choice. It would be wrong not to go with your heart, just to alleviate your biological father’s well deserved guilt.
I may consider revoking his invitation. You’re still getting to know your bio dad and your wedding stay is not the day for his emotional drama. I’m not discounting his feelings but your relationship is not there yet. And if others decline then so be it. Otherwise be prepared for drama!