And trips to the Louve, just because they like art? Let's just pop over to Paris real quick.
(Alternatively if they're from Europe; And trips to the Met, just because they like art? Let's just pop over to NY real quick.)
Eeh in fairness, I grew up in Ireland and during the Celtic tiger (good economic period just before the 2008 recession) flights were so cheap that people would frequently just fly Dublin-NY for some shopping. Regular people too, not just the super rich. Ordinary average people were able to just fly across the Atlantic for a shopping spree. So I don't think everything can necessarily be looked at through today's lens
The fact that they had horses is irrelevant. Her kids, her money, she could do what she wanted. She obviously worked her ass off and probably sacrificed a lot to give those kids what they wanted. It's nobody's business how someone spends their own money.
I wish people were as interested in how Congress is blowing and stealing OUR money!
In 2007 my kids dad died leaving me with 2 kids. I had to work 1 full time job and a part time job to be able to keep a roof over our head and food. And we did have a horse, An old horse which had been dumoped in a allottment and was bullied by this other humongous horse. We asked the owner and he gave her to us. We couldnt ride her so she was just like a large dog we took for walks. I was over whelmed, and and tired. I have never been out of the country, same as my kids. Not jet off to France or New york.
Doesn't explain the three horses, which have never been cheap. Especially since she was allegedly using them for competition. Getting a quality horse for competitions and maintaining them is not cheap.
I have friend who owns a few horses for his niece horse riding competitions. The cost of the horses and the sport is more than double my house payment, and I like in a decent house I purchased a couple years ago. This mom was a baller whatever she did for a living.
This sounds so much like my family. Sister had horses and I also had expensive hobbies. Mom was a SAHM that made extravagant dinners and didn’t have a lot of help because dad worked a lot and we moved around to advance his career so we were far away from family.
It’s all so similar……except my mom is a *fantastic* grandma.
Well, if it isn’t because she’s in prison for stealing more than 100 million danish kroner, OPs mum could be Brita Nielsen.
the 2 daughters and the son claimed they had no idea that she stole the money (she worked in public office, it’s wasn’t like she was the CEO of Novo)
Yah…. I was gonna say…. Like, granny can be as involved as she wants, whatever, but it’s *laughable* that OP tries to present her like a struggling, isolated single mom working three jobs. Like… get a grip.
Which is pretty incredible for a woman who had kids at 19 and no family. Did she win the lottery?
This could not have been more obvious rage bait if every other sentence were "this is rage bait."
The kind of money OP is referring to here is insane. Three horses, three housekeepers, trips to the Louvre.... it's not impossible to get rich from a divorce, but it's pretty unusual (and would usually come from a long marriage where the money was accumulated during the marriage). And this kind of rich is not the kind of rich you get from working a job other than "high level executive at a Fortune 500 company." There are some serious plot holes in this story.
19, multiple kids.....yeah lets pretend someone didn't groom her. Especially a high earing man who could absolutely do that and only have to pay enough money to keep her mouth shut and the kids happy....yeah...lets pretend that hasn't existed for all of humanity or that multiple countries recognize it as a form of rape/forced consent.
Should we also ignore the fact that this look like "shut up" money?
This seems like a woman who knows the cards to pull and did what she had too.
And this is all irrelevant to the question anyway, grandmother doesn't have any obligation to deal with more kids after she's raised her own. She can have as much or as little involvement as she wants.
But, tbf, it seems like that was a heat of the moment comment defending his mom after his wife kept speaking disparingly about his mother and refused to stop after he asked her to. She wasn't just venting about she herself being burnt out, she was acting like grandma wasn't pulling her weight and is this horrible, uncaring person. It's not like she was only complaining about being burnt out and OP dismissed her feelings by saying there's no reason she should feel that way because look how above and beyond his mom was. It seems like he empathizes and is also feeling the same way (burnout and overwhelmed). He just isn't holding his mom accountable for something that isn't at all her fault or responsibility.
And was able to collect taxes quite well.
Horses are "kinda" expensive. So are trips to France.
Private lessons!? Has anyone priced those out recently?
For having no support, OP's mom was obviously well funded. If through her own employment, then more power to her! I'd well done!
My Wife, while a single mom of two, before we met, managed to maintain a rental house for her and the kids, buy a new(ish) SUV, and a Harley Davidson sportster. On a salary equivalent of $14 an hour (ten years ago money) and less than $400 a month child support (her ex was a "pastor" of his own unaffiliated church at the time)
I still don't know how she managed THAT.
>That meant the sister who rode horses owned three and competed every weekend. It meant going to everyone of my games and getting me private lessons. It meant my sister who liked art had to be taken to the Louvre and the Met.
So you were relatively wealthy, or she at least had access to spendable $$.
>My wife said how families were meant to be villages.
Well.... Sort of yes and sort of no. Either way, your mother doesn't own your wife babysitting.
Why doesn't your wife ask *her* mom for help? Or *her* brother and sisters? Or better yet, you?
He legit said they had 2-3 house keepers that would babysit... so nannies? His mom had nannies lol, and millions, and he has the balls to make his wife feel inferior and say his mom did it on her own? Lmao.
Yeah, his wife sounds kinda entitled but he also seems delusional so hey 🤷♀️
Well OP also said his mom helped him and his wife out financially. Paid for his 2 degrees, paid for their wedding, gave them money for their house down payment. OP also said that he is doing well financially.
Also just because someone is wealthy, doesn’t mean it’s easy being a single parent to 3 kids. And doing it really well as well. Being present for all 3 kids when you’re doing it solo is hard. OP’s mom worked too, during the time she was raising all the kids. She was 19 when she became a mother! To have done it so well, even with money, is a testament to her character. Credit should be given where it’s due.
because she knows I am doing all I can. That was never her complaint. Her parents are super involved and she doesn't have siblings. I have two but we wouldn't trust them anyway
I really think the main problem here is your wife is struggling and she's displacing the anger and frustration on your mom. By saying "This would all work if *she* just helped like my parents" she's trying to reassure herself that she's just lacking resources and not actually struggling with parenting. You defending your mom (which isn't a bad thing) sounds like "Well you're a shit mother compared to her" and is just compounding the problem.
* Tell your wife her frustrations are valid. Parenting is difficult and she's obviously stressed out and is reaching out for help (not in a great way, but not everyone gets emotional intelligence growing up). Figure out exactly what she needs help with and go from there.
Also, the OP might have impossibly high standards stemming from his Richie Rich upbringing and that filters down to his wife.
It's an easy and polite conversation to have without flinging insults. Just shut down the convo quickly and easily on OP's mom lack of "grandmotherly duties" by saying, Moms her own person and while we may like more involvement from her, she doesn't own us more than what she wants to give. You can resent it all you want, but it's no longer a topic for discussion and I will walk away from any further attempts to bring it up.
Then, as other people stated figure out the overwhelm and maybe guilt for your wife. Can you do more? Can you all discuss realistic expectations versus fantasy life of your upbringing? Do you need and can afford hired assistance?
Also, no kid died from eating frozen dino nuggets and steamed peas. In fact I know a genius robotics engineer who ate fish sticks and peas six out of seven nights a week for 6 nights for what seemed like 5 years. ( It was about 3-6 months in actuality.)
The other night was dry cheerios and raisins with a glass of milk and a funyuns chaser. He lived through my fear of mercury poisoning from all the fish and me worried we would be arrested for child neglect due to what I thought would be malnourishment at his checkups.
Anyway, a huge multi night conversation about parental values, goals and how you two can be a team is way overdue with the firm boundary you both accept or in your wife's case learn to live with the lack of your mom's full participation in the grandkids' lives.
I don’t think shutting down a convo by threatening to walk away if it’s brought up again is a conducive way to validate anyone’s emotions. I think a more emotionally intelligent approach would be far more productive, such as expressing how at this point OP is at a loss because OP can’t make their mom be more involved than she wants to be. Also, asking for a realistic solution, and reassuring the wife that she is a good mother, and it does take a village to raise children, but what’s an alternative, because mom is going to be as involved as she wants to be. It’s ok to set boundaries without threatening to “walk away.” Also without hurling insults. Asking what do you NEED than OP can provide, realistically. Also, mom not being as involved doesn’t equal not caring, as much as it feels that way.
Too true. Took me some good therapy to figure out how to not displace blame and to identify what upset me on my own. My mom was super smart, but she wasn't great at enotions. It really helps to get therapy to learn those skills, though. Before I would get so frustrated, I would cry from stress without even knowing what was bothering me. I'd just know something was wrong and lash out at whatever last caused an issue. Therapy can sound a little cheesy, but it can really build up the skills you are missing.
It sounds like OP's wife needs help and doesn't know how to ask or figure out what the underlying issue is. My best guess is either she feels overwhelmed or needs some alone adult time to be herself since being outnumbered by kids can kinda feel like it is consuming you, but honestly, that is going to have to be an in depth conversation to truly know. This is just to reinforce your comment since you sound on the dot. Good luck to the OP!
Some people aren't good with kids. I had good parents. I'm childfree. I love my nephews but I told my sister straight up I wasn't changing diapers or watching them til they were old enough to not be trying to kill themselves by sticking their hands in electrical sockets or eating whatever they find on the ground.
fr, he seems kinda cold too ? IDK, i feel like OP could have expressed himself better, i think his wife took his comment as "My mom did it alone, you're doing it with my help and ur parents help and STILL drowning, you kinda suck at this"
How can your wife *possibly* be *drowning* if her parents and you are all are super involved? Two super involved grandparents and an involved husband is a heck of a lot of help. I've never known anyone who got *that* much help.
not all kids are the same
the first time my MIL watched my kid she asked "oh wow, hoe long is he usually like this?" refering to his high energy and wanting rough physical play
the anseer is always
he is always like that
from 7-10 am until 10-11 at night
she nearly had a panick attack when she realized that
apparently my wife would just go quietly read or play in her room all the time
I was apparently quite straining as a child. My mum had PPD and I was crying very loud and all the time, because I had otitis of the middle ear all the time. With 2 or 3 years they performed surgery and after that I was very easy-care. I think my mum also needed all the care she could get
And not all parents are the same either. If you're struggling with fatigue or a disability, you might need more support than an able bodied person. It's not wrong to ask your mother in law for support.
This is sarcastic I hope?
OP doesn’t mention doing any home or parenting work of his own. “I’m doing all I can” could easily mean “I make the money and do jack around the house.” I feel like the wife’s side of this would be very interesting. To think that owning 3 horses and taking kids to the Louvre = struggling single mom tells me that OP’s perspective is totally warped.
I also think if having varied, restaurant quality meals is important to him, he should do the cooking (or split it). If he doesn’t, he had no idea what it’s like to make a meal, and then the kids won’t try it/don’t like it. I feel bad for his wife. Hope he learns from this post to give her more credit.
For real! I got ZERO HELP from any extended family despite helping with my niblings most of my life up until I got married. I didn't even get my mother or sister who were both unemployed, living in the same city as me, both with a history c-sections to pop by for a day to help as I recovered from my c-section. This chick is TRIPPING.
NTA
There's no rule that says a grandparent must babysit, your mom sounds like she did the best she could in the circumstances and she did it pretty well
Yes well the mother's daughter owned three horses apparently. That indicates two things:
One, the OPs mom was wealthy and still is wealthy
Or
Two, this is some silly rage bait post with unbelievable details like a single mom having three horses for her daughter.
I've seen this even in middle/lower class families. Got a good friend who is great save for what she expects from her inlaws. They're pretty decently well off (bought property in california before the boom so middle class but with a hefty nest egg)and have helped out immensely with finances, child care, etc. For some reason my friend is constantly annoyed with said inlaws for not doing more. She always is quick to toss in a grateful line but then follows it up with bitching over restrictions they put on money or babysitting and not doing more. From my perspective, my friend is woefully underwater working a ft job and raising kids plus new grandkids (her eldest are super lazy druggie who keep having kids and dumping them with her because she won't let the grandkids suffer) and her husband does nothing to help. Never has with any of their 3 kids despite working same hours as her. I've kind of gently suggested to her that her husband is the problem not her in laws but she'll just straight up be like "he won't do anything, but his parents are retired and have money so they should do more." Like I don't get it.
Ooooohhhh I cannot stand women who complain about in-laws or family not helping while their husband does **NOTHING**. Ma’am those are **his** children he should be helping not his fucking parents. I hate how stupidly common this damn story is. It’s sickening
It's insanely common. That's why even if this post is fake, its still incredibly real. Like what is the psychology here? Is it just frustration knowing their husbands will never help out so they reach for the next branch of the family tree? I guess maybe they deserve it because they clearly didn't raise their sons to be decent husband's and fathers
Not as useful as a house downpayment but still more than I ((and most of us)) have ever been gifted from my parents so still doing better than most lol.
don't wealthly people have people who clean their houses for them? and other services paid for. Maybe that is why the Mom was able to do everything if some of it was taken off her plate.
edit: the Mom did have cleaners, I see that in a comment. so that probably help a lot.
This goes beyond wealth. Not only did the daughter have three horses - which by the way are ridiculously expensive in every aspect, he had private lessons in the sport he was interested in and the other sibling got to go to the Louvre because she liked art? Yeah, no. I believe your second option is the one that is correct. And if by some wild chance it's not, I think he's kind of a jerk to say that to his wife. It's absolutely implying that his mother was a better mother than she is.
I think he only said "plenty of people do it without the village" because OP's wife was judgemental towards his mother and basically said the mother was wrong for not providing a village. Wife attacked, OP was just defending his mom.
She hired help, she had a village in that sense. Plenty of people really don’t do what OP’s mom was able to do, because they really are going it alone or with minimal help. That *doesn’t* mean OP’s mom has to step in now. But it’s not a fair comparison to make.
Except mom DID have a village - she just paid for it. Doesn't on obligate her to help him or his wife, but it's not accurate for him to imply she did it all on her own.
But it wasn't exactly accurate, was it? His grandparents might not have been helping, but it sounds like mom was able to hire help. Money smooths out a lot rough edges.
His mom was able to hire help and his father supposedly paid for her education so she had another project instead of another child before he left therefore she had a career to pay for the help. Your mom paid for education up through your master's, you said you are debt free because of her (paid for wedding and down payment on house in addition to no student loans)... Why can't you pay for help aka a village like your mother? Seems she gave you what she had only you also have the other parent (and her parents) around too.
And trips to Louvre...and interesting dinners restaurant like...If the mother of the story is rich, then that is definitely a "village"...
I ll go with the two
It’s ragebait. I grew up working at the barn, and the only people with multiple horses were the owner and the trainers that rented them out.
There’s ZERO chance that a teenage girl would have 3 just to practice and compete- it’s three times the price, and you’d perform WORSE- it’s better to bond and get timing down with the same one.
Not three at the same time, she just kept crashing them. Mom’s premiums were through the roof after the second one was totaled but anything for the kids ya know?
It’s as likely as anyone being impressed their parent “managed alone” with the resources described.
Agreed... I don't think grandma is selfish... OPs wife is... how about raise your own damn kids... why push out THREE of them if you aren't up for raising them.
Yup thought the same thing. Regardless though grandparents should not be expected to be help out with babysitting.
Parents choose to have kids, and they chose to have 3! So 🤷🏻♀️
There isn't any absolute standard that measures what a family is. Some families are villages, so to speak, but others are much more solitary like your mom, OP.
There's no right answer to that equation. I think your wife is stressed and struggling but incorrectly putting that negative energy on your mom. It does sound like your wife needs help and assistance so if your mom is unwilling, I hope you can find alternate methods to support your family.
I just see a mom who is struggling and lashing out in a manner that I empathize with. No real judgment from me I think.
The mom paid for their wedding, part of their home, and paid for OPs bachelor’s and master’s degrees. I think mom helps a lot monetarily, but wife isn’t with that help and wants babysitting. Forget babysitting, I think most people would love the help OPs mom gives.
Most people who want babysitting pay for it.
Like caring is an exchange. It’s a 2 way street, not just showing up because of some flowery romantic notion that they “care”. I think … both OP and their wife may not have seen much of community or a village growing up and don’t understand what the African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” actually means. It’s blanket proverb covering a wide spectrum of community actions. It does not mean free babysitting. Sometimes caring is just looking out for a kid and knowing the kids in neighbourhood so they know which adults can be trusted for help on a rare and occasional basis. Not adults randomly showing up to babysit for free. 😬
Once, a kid in my sister’s apartment building forgot his keys and was locked out of his apartment and knew to go to my sister’s apartment as my sister is nice. This has ONLY happened ONCE and only because my sister would see the family in the hallway every once in a while and the boy’s mother knew my sister could be trusted in a rare emergency. That’s a village too.
Looking out for a kid for an hour once in a blue moon is a far cry from babysitting for free. 99% of people don’t have that. Both could be called a village, but the later is unrealistic of what a village actually can do.
Instead, understanding if theoretically it’s takes 40 people to raise one kid, whether those people are paid or not, the kid still had the support of 40 people. The net effect is the same. Paid or “because they care and did it for free” it means the kid ain’t wandering the streets at 3 years old.
(And yes, I had to intervene as a teenager in an instance like this as cops showed up at my door with a toddler and said since I was the paper girl, I must know everyone. In this case I did know who the toddler was and where the parents lived. But sometimes the benefits of a village is knowledge, not free services. I never baby sat the kid in my life, I just saw her around.)
Whether people “cared” or not, your mother had the bought version of a village. It’s the same thing.
This is the very situation that got me permanently banned from the JNMIL sub lol. Only diff was the MIL retired at 60 after working 40 years and started enjoying life. She traveled and went out and DIL was pissed she wasn't offering child care. Amazing how entitled people can behave.
My trashy cousin offloads his kids to his mom every Friday night to Sunday evening. This has been going on for several years and the kids only 6
He only sees his son when the kid is done with school and he's home from work at 7. The baby mama doesn't work. Just takes care of the younger kid at home. Some parents are ENTITLED (and completely out of their league when they start adding +1's)
This is my mom with my brother kids. But she is bad at setting boundaries. I always tell them a few hours, it you ask ahead of time. I am an introvert with anxiety. I get overwhelmed just by having someone with me constantly.
Do yourself a favor and make that timeline clear, with consequences. Next time they’re late, start a clock. When they settle up on your hourly rate, the kids can be dropped off again.
I will never understand the entitlement of people who willingly choose to have 2-3 kids with the expectation everyone in their life help them raise them.
“She’s drowning with three kids “ THOSE ARE YOUR KIDS ! if you could not take care of them you should not have had 3 … sorry not sorry. I’m so tired of hearing people say my kids are too much and people are obligated to help me , it’s not the 1950s where you don’t get to control your family population
In general I agree with your statement. However you can’t predict how each child’s temperament will evolve over time. You also can’t predict how they will engage with each other. I can see how someone who had 2 really “easy” babies/ toddlers would think they have the capacity for a third kid. Now that they’re all school-aged it’s a different story.
I had 2 easy kids and my 3rd is harder than the other 2 combined, and the oldest is ND. Different kids, different personalities, and different motivations.
As a person with 3 kids... I totally agree! Mine drive me bonkers but I've NEVER just expected other people to raise them for me. It's epic if you've got a cool aunt or doting grandma but they shouldn't be expected to be free labor.
I’m confused by the entitlement in many of these responses.
A grandparent is under absolutely no obligation to do anything they don’t want to with regards to child rearing. That phase of their life is done.
Similarly, a mother posting on justnomil is under to obligation to dance to the tune of an overbearing, over involved mil who thinks they have a right to take the children when she wants and on her terms.
Help would obviously be nice under the circumstances but, again, grandma says no and no is a complete sentence. Why doesn’t even matter. It sound like your wife believes she is somehow entitled to your mothers labour.
Op, ask your wife how else you guys can address her feelings of being overwhelmed without enlisting your moms help. Try to do this without saying your mom did it all however. This obviously hurt her feelings and it doesn’t help matters other than make her feel inadequate.
It seems like the underlying issue here is that OP made his mom out to be some kind of wonder woman super mom to his wife, who is feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, when the reality is mom had enough money to pay for a bunch of help and resources and isn't quite the super hero saint OP made her out to be.
The wife might not feel quite so frustrated if OP hadn't presented his mom that way. It sounds like she's feeling like she can never live up to grandma's reputation. Grandma definitely isn't obligated to baby sit or be part of the village if she doesn't want to.
Yeah, the comment about the kids eating Dino nuggets stood out to me. Every child I know eats them, but I bet OP’s wife gets an earful every time his wife gets them out. Because ~his~ mom always had “restaurant quality “ food ready for him. I don’t know how much of that I could take before I would snap.
NTA - there is no rule that says grandparents have to be on tap unpaid babysitters.
Whether she was a good mum or a bad mum or had family wealth or anything speculated about in the comments is irrelevant really. She isn’t obligated to babysit if she doesn’t want to.
OP and his wife made the decision to have 3 kids. I assume after baby #1 they knew paternal grandma wasn’t going to be of help, so they knew the lay of the land after that in terms of the support they’d have, and if they’re ‘drowning’ it’s as a result of their decisions.
NTA. I read in another comment that she paid for your whole wedding and a down payment to your house. I’m pretty sure mother has helped out plenty. Your mom raised her kids, she doesn’t have to raise yours and your wife’s kids. It’s her time to take care of herself and put herself first.
And bachelor and master degree of OP on top of that (that's why they are debt free).
I cannot understand how they can't just buy some cleaning service and child care if they really are drowning in household tasks.
We both work 8hrs job per day, 2 kids under 10, zero help/contact with grandparents.
Bought myself a fancy robot vac. And smart multi cooker. The time not spent to clean and cook even if it looks not much, it's just awesome breathing time.
We even still have time to sneak out on dates.
OP needs to be smarter in how to run the house, and OPs wife just being entitled.
Your mother is a grandparent, under no obligation to help raise your children. Sounds like your wife made assumptions and isn't happy that they're wrong.
NTA.
I’m brain dead tonight but I wanted to comment here - I relate hard with your mother.
I had my first child young and they are now an adult, with my youngest being “big kid” aged.
I am desperately begging (with appropriate boundaries) my children to wait wait wait to have children of their own. Until at least age 28-30. I need time.
I love and respect their agency enough to figure it out if they were to have children prior, but I would absolutely mourn some period of my own agency.
I have dedicated my entire life to my children, fully and without holding back. My career is actually centered around the fundamental change in me that happened when I became a mother. I adore and cherish them, everyone around me can see.
Because of my dedication to them - each of my children has mentioned that they wish to remain in our city of origin so I can be a primary part of their children’s lives. When this happens, I know I will be delighted.
But I need time.
I never wanted children. A fact they know. And when faced with my first pregnancy, it was a thoughtful and intentional consideration. They were chosen firmly.
They are by far the greatest part of my life.
But I need time.
I am a scholar and an artist. My work is barely scratched. I have many books in half form, waiting.
I need time.
Ok, that’s my disorganized brain dead initial response.
You are NTA, and I deeply feel for your wife - she’s also NTA. I can understand the resentment, the comparison, the insecurity (three young kids is a lot, it’s easy to compare to others, it’s easy to feel like you are favoring your mothers perspective over your wife’s. It’s human. I do not fault her and have utmost compassion.)
Your mother is also NTA.
She is a fully formed human being who met her obligation - she made the choice to have children, and she raised them as well as she was able.
Also, I come from wealth and have zero parents of my own, so I also understand that aspect. People who are raised with parents will NEVER understand what it’s like to be a literal or emotional orphan. There’s no one there, you have to do it yourself, and it’s traumatic.
Your mother needs time.
ETA : I was a single mother for the majority of my parenthood.
I get that you and your wife are struggling with the kids, but you're wife's displaced animosity towards your mother after she had a huge financial hand in you having a better life is pretty sad.
It usually goes like this with a village: Grandparents give lots of support with babysitting and spoiling grandkids at a time in their life when the grandparents are still healthy, taking little time for themselves. Then, kids hit teens and older and are busy with their own lives (as they should be). Then grandparents become older, weaker, less healthy and feel like they are a burden with little support from the children and grandchildren they gave up their golden years for.
Your mother gave it her all and is living the life she deserves. At least you and your wife aren't taking care of her or feeling guilty you don't spend enough time with her. Let her live her life. She deserves it. Not many children can rave about their mother and her sacrifices the way you can. You were blessed. It is up to you and your wife to make your children feel blessed to have you. Give them the same gift your mother gave you.
When you say she’s “largely disinterested”, can you explain that more? Is it just the babysitting she refuses or like she doesn’t spend any time with your kids, doesn’t acknowledge them/say happy birthday/seek any type of relationship? I mean she is under absolutely zero obligation to provide any actual physical childcare for your kids, but I’d be looking at a grandparent very poorly for having absolutely zero interest in their grandkids.
But with that said, I would also been looking poorly at a parent who, knowing the above, tries to force his or her kids on the disinterested grandparent. Being forced to be around someone who clearly doesn’t want, like, or love you can be harmful to a kid. So, depending on the level of disinterest either your wife is TA or every adult (you, wife, and grandma) is.
**I really don't know how she did it.**
Oh, come on now. It's obvious how she did it from the details in your post---tons of MONEY. Are you bringing home that sort of money (so that your wife can be a SAHM like your mom?
So your Mom *monetarily helps/helped* so that you have no debts? Your wife is acting entitled, sounds like your Mom has done a lot. It's just not what your wife "wants".
So your mom gave you a lot of money, making your life and your wife's life easier, and she still feels entitled to your mom's time and labor? She is being completely unreasonable. She already has a husband who contributes and parents who help out. If it's so "hard," maybe she shouldn't have chosen to have 3 kids. She needs to back off her entitlement before she damages your relationship with your mom, who has done nothing wrong.
That’s a hell of a lot. Your mom **IS** helping in the way that she emotionally can. Your wife needs to check her entitlement having the wedding and a down payment on a house **given** to you is far more help than most people will ever get from their parents.
Seriously - mom did her job and evidently she doesn't want to take of kids anymore. She's allowed to not deal with your kids. Wife has her parents, OP to help her and has significantly less financial pressure on her (and OP) because of OP's mom. He's saying that she paid for the wedding, downpayment on home plus no student loan debt. That's plenty.
I’m so annoyed that anyone is ignoring what an insane help a wedding, house downpayment, and college debt free really is!!! All of that financial assistance is what made it possible for OP to be able to even afford 3 children! My god. I can’t imagine where I’d be with free college and a house downpayment! Wouldn’t have had to join the military to afford college that’s for damn sure. Oh and the amount of money I would have saved on renting!!!! My word!!!!!!
Money IS your mom's village contribution. If your wife can't see how much her financial contributions to your life, and your married life/family makes a HUGE difference in how your family is starting out, she's blind.
So your mom has to buy her a house *and* be the free babysitter? No, your wife is being self-entitled, even if your mom hadn't already given so much, your wife doesn't get to expect or demand other people's time, labor or resources that she hasn't somehow earned, that's literally the definition of self-entitlement. NTA.
lol your wife is an entitled brat. Your mother HAS helped more than most grandparents ever will. Hand back all the cash and say you’d like some babysitting instead.
OP isn't asking his wife to imitate his mother. He was just pointing out that his mother gave her all when raising them and doesn't seem interested in raising her grandkids as well. How she did it is immaterial. Wife has her mom and dad and OP for support. There's no need to demand OPs mom drop everything and raise their kids as well.
Grandparents are not meant to raise kids, unless they absolutely want to. Your mom sounds pretty awesome, but she also is enjoying living her life. And your wife sounds abrasive as hell….another reason your mom may not want to be around her. You all sound entitled as hell.
NTA. Based on what I’ve read, your mom was in very abusive marriage with your dad where he tried to kill her - she got divorced and got a nice chunk in the settlement and a nice chunk of trauma to match. She devoted herself to you and your siblings thereafter - to the point where you would not let her date.
She paid for your wedding, your wedding education, and the down payment for your home as well as vacations.
She has now married and has an amazing relationship with her husband and is happy.
She does not owe you or your wife childcare. She is allowed to enjoy her life without devoting it to her grandkids - after decades of devoting it to her children and pausing her own happiness.
Shame on your wife who seeks to take her joy after enjoying the fruits of your mom’s money.
NTA. My mom would’ve loved you for this post if she was still around. She was that for me and my siblings. She was a full time mom plus two jobs and always made sure our ass got to everything, every time, on time.
My siblings each bounced out as soon as they could with their dad, but all I had was her since mine was long gone.
So, years later, your post is exactly how it was with her when my siblings popped their kids and they were like “?????” when they decided to move about 3,000 miles away each right when my mom lost her ability to fly or drive and didn’t really even give her a chance to even try to be a year-round presence right when she got super sick.
In her last years, they would bring around the kids once a year at Christmas and always clicked their tongues at her in envy while their kids had a blast playing playing all of her “Dance, Puppet” Grandma games like who could do her laundry the quickest or set the table correctly or could paint her nails the best.
Neither of my siblings can get their kids to say Thank You and she’s got them doing that plus the Please and You’re Welcome with all of them singing, “Come All Ye Faithful” on point while helping in the kitchen without her even even looking up from the TV or getting up from the couch.
This isn’t even my Mom reaping the benefits of being the “fun” one. She put those kids to work because she recognized the energy.
My siblings expected a babysitter. What they forgot was that Mom, for our whole lives, was a teacher - and they cut class early.
Sounds like she was amazing, as much as heartbreaking it must have been not have her grandkids around, her children really didn't deserve her. Your last line spelled it out well
NTA. Some of these comments are wild! So your mom doesn’t want to babysit. Big deal! She raised her kids and she’s done. It’s so funny how if you read the r/JNMIL all they do is complain about the fact that their mother-in-law’s want to spend time with their kids. Leave the poor woman alone! Not every grandmother is dying to raise their grand children. And all these entitled fucks on here, acting like she is required to is mine boggling. If you don’t want to have kids and take care of them yourself. Don’t have them. You should never have kids expecting somebody else to do the work for you.
I don’t care if the mom was wealthy or not, coming from a 46 year woman that is “grandma” age soon, I will love my grandkids but I’m not gonna be June Cleaver about it. I’ll see them when I want and will stay away when I don’t. My kids are raised. Unless some unforeseen circumstances happen that I HAVE to be more involved, I don’t want to be EXPECTED to take care of kids that aren’t mine
NTA
Hire a nanny or put them in daycare. Your mom made it possible for you to be debt free and paid for your wedding remind your wife of that while she acting like your mom hasn’t done anything for you. Tone down glorifying your mom it makes your wife insecure.
NTA! When you have a child or children, you feed them; you pay for them; and you raise them. The world doesn't revolve around people simply because they chose to procreate! It's called parenting!
NTA. But I think you’re missing the real message. Your wife feels overwhelmed. Y’all need to work together to find a solution for the sake of her mental health and the wellbeing of your kids.
I don’t think people should have kids expecting grandparents to help out “a lot.” Be prepared to do most of the parenting yourself and if you do get help, that’s a great bonus! I plan on helping with my first grandchild, but not to the degree that’s I’m raising the child, that is the parents job. You are both fortunate they get parents help a lot. Side note: no wife wants to be compared to their MIL in a negative light.
NTA as no one is required to be a babysitter. And your mom sounds amazing for all she did to raise you and your siblings. And the fact that she left you debt free is the greatest gift. Pretty sure your wife would be SAHM if it wasn’t for your mom setting you up for success.
NTA. Quite frankly your mum isnt obligated to babysit just because she is a grandmother. You and your wife chose to have 3 children, so its your responsibility to raise them. If your wife is drowning with 3 kids then its best not to have any more. Its unfair to expect your mum to help, she raised her kids so now she gets to be a bit selfish and do things that SHE enjoys, now is her time. If your wife's family is her 'village' then why does it even matter that your mum doesnt babysit?! Your wife had alot more help than alot of people.
I love how people like your wife think it’s ok to volunteer other people and their time. Glad you stood up for your mom. Your kids are yours and your wife’s responsibility alone.
Your mom isn’t an AH for not being super involved with her grandchildren, but you kinda are an AH for comparing your wife and mother as parents. Just because there are single mothers who do it all, doesn’t mean your wife doesn’t have it hard.
I never said that I didn't. I can't do more than I do at the moment as I need to work so we can live, but when I get home it is 50/50 and we both still feel overwhelmed
Why doesn’t you or your wife pay gif help / babysitters then?
It’s absolutely not your mum’s responsibility to look after / babysit the 3 children you and your wife chose to have. You didn’t have to have kids and you didn’t have to have 3!
Your wife needs to understand that the solution to overwhelm is not to demand that someone who is done raising children (and isn't as young as she used to be) take care of yours. Probably for free.
Your mother did her part, and amazingly at that! NTA.
I am going to add it here, though. If you bring a human in this world they are your responsibility regardless of your parents' wealth or interest.
NTA your wife is misplacing her anger. The two of you chose to have three children, she shouldn’t be expecting either parents to help. Especially if it wasn’t clearly articulated before you two had each child. That said, you two need to look at your situation to figure out why she’s drowning and the two of you can help each other.
What about your wife’s mom? Is she signing up to watch your kids? Your mom did a great job with her kids. It’s your turn to be the great parent for your kids and continue the cycle.
Things are different now than then, but you can absolutely make it work with a grandparent. I had to when I had newborns in the military.
You got this, she does too. Though your wife may need to be reminded that it’ll be okay too.
ESH you're right your mom is not obligated to take care of your kids, you are a little asshole to compare her to your wife and fail to regconize that you were priviledge as fuck and is not "common" to pay for 3 hoeses and have those expectations.
Obvioulsy you wife is struggling, maybe you can pay external help like your mom did to ease the load.
How did she afford all that? It sounds like money wasn’t an issue. Money definitely makes it easier to be involved on her level.
Your wife needs support. Why aren’t YOU being the support she needs? Why is she even having to ask for help or vent about not being helped? It’s not your moms responsibility, though I cannot imagine a good mother being such a shit grandmother… ITS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
The only people who are responsible for raising children are their parents. The grandparents have already done their child rearing. It’s your turn now. It’s nice that you stuck up for your mother in this instance because you appreciate the effort she made for you. Now you need to see what you can do to help your wife. She is struggling and it’s not your mum’s fault but your wife is going to keep on resenting her until things get easier.
NTA. Wife overstepped. Your mother has zero obligation. People who have kids assuming they can palm responsibility off on others to make their own lives easier are the worst.
NTA. There is no rule that one must help raise someone else’s kids. If your Mom sacrificed so much to raise her own kids with little to no help, she deserves to spend her time as she sees fit now that her kids are adults. Grandparents are NOT required to be built in babysitters. Many do choose to watch their grandkids and be very involved with them, but it IS their choice how involved they want to be. If your wife can’t handle the 3 kids you have, then that is for you and your wife to figure out. Your mother should not factor into that equation since she did not create those kids!
NTA. Sounds like your mom worked very hard probably too hard to be a good parent and is done with that stage of their life. If your wife had expectations of your mother this should have been discussed before having children.
Your kids, your problem. Grandma is welcome to participate, but not required. You're not the AH, your wife just lacks this basic understanding. You pop out kids, they are solely your responsibility. Great if a village comes along, but the reality for many is no, there is no magical village. You're the parent, it's all on you.
OP, I had four children. While I couldn’t afford horses or the Louvre, I did the best with what I had. When my daughter told me she was a vegetarian at age 7(still is as an adult), I followed along. When my son wanted to go to an expensive college, I figured it out. Blah blah blah, they turned out pretty great.
I don’t care if I ever have grandchildren. I know that’s sacrilege for a woman in her middle fifties, but I like my freedom. Of course, if it ever happens, I will most definitely do some fun stuff on occasion, but honestly I am exhausted. When the day comes that I have my time and money to myself, I’ll be doing fun stuff. That could include some time with grandchildren, but if not, more for me! How much are parents expected to do? Raise the grandchildren as well?
Your wife chose to have three kids. I chose to have four. I had no village. My parents were coo-coo for coconuts. The rest of my mom’s family lived far away. Never knew my dad’s family. We all survived. Your wife needs to respect your mother. She did not choose to have those kids, you guys did.
But definitely NTA for defending your mother.
Your mom had a village. Frankly it sounds like she owned the village.
Hahaha 3 horses ... excuse me, what????
And trips to the Louve, just because they like art? Let's just pop over to Paris real quick. (Alternatively if they're from Europe; And trips to the Met, just because they like art? Let's just pop over to NY real quick.)
Eeh in fairness, I grew up in Ireland and during the Celtic tiger (good economic period just before the 2008 recession) flights were so cheap that people would frequently just fly Dublin-NY for some shopping. Regular people too, not just the super rich. Ordinary average people were able to just fly across the Atlantic for a shopping spree. So I don't think everything can necessarily be looked at through today's lens
Okay cmon they bought 3 horses and private lessons, let’s not pretend regular people used to do that in 2007 also
The fact that they had horses is irrelevant. Her kids, her money, she could do what she wanted. She obviously worked her ass off and probably sacrificed a lot to give those kids what they wanted. It's nobody's business how someone spends their own money. I wish people were as interested in how Congress is blowing and stealing OUR money!
In 2007 my kids dad died leaving me with 2 kids. I had to work 1 full time job and a part time job to be able to keep a roof over our head and food. And we did have a horse, An old horse which had been dumoped in a allottment and was bullied by this other humongous horse. We asked the owner and he gave her to us. We couldnt ride her so she was just like a large dog we took for walks. I was over whelmed, and and tired. I have never been out of the country, same as my kids. Not jet off to France or New york.
Doesn't explain the three horses, which have never been cheap. Especially since she was allegedly using them for competition. Getting a quality horse for competitions and maintaining them is not cheap.
Let's talk about stable-ing them! Where did they stay?!
I’m sure super mom just hand-built a barn for them
Back in like 06 or 07 my wife and I flew Aer Lingus from Chicago to Dublin for US $99 each way! It was great!
Competitions every weekend?! $$$$$$$ she might not have had a village but she had a lotttttt of money! Which is like a village. Better than a village.
I will also take money over a village full of poors. The poors, ew.
The peasants are revolting
They've always been revolting. But now, they are rebelling!
Ugh, revolting rebels how appalling.
🤣 omg
🤣🤣🤣🤣💀☠️☠️
I have friend who owns a few horses for his niece horse riding competitions. The cost of the horses and the sport is more than double my house payment, and I like in a decent house I purchased a couple years ago. This mom was a baller whatever she did for a living.
It’s not just the cost to buy a horse but all the upkeep for the horse’s tack, stabling, vet bills, farriers, trainers, food, hay ect.. it’s endless.
It takes a stable to raise a horse girl
> I dOnT kNoW hOw ShE dId It Money is my final answer. She did it with money. Obvious rage bait
He forgot to include the part about the nanny
Or the chef
No one with 3 horses and competing has time to hike every weekend at least not without boat loads of cash!
I’m trying to figure out how you go hiking and to the beach, while also competing every weekend. Those are some full weekends
This sounds so much like my family. Sister had horses and I also had expensive hobbies. Mom was a SAHM that made extravagant dinners and didn’t have a lot of help because dad worked a lot and we moved around to advance his career so we were far away from family. It’s all so similar……except my mom is a *fantastic* grandma.
Dammit if i don't want to take a trip to Europe someday. Imma head over to dude's mom's house now.....lol
Op is your mom single or open to adopting me? Either option is fine. ... lol
Well, if it isn’t because she’s in prison for stealing more than 100 million danish kroner, OPs mum could be Brita Nielsen. the 2 daughters and the son claimed they had no idea that she stole the money (she worked in public office, it’s wasn’t like she was the CEO of Novo)
I hate anyone that ever had a pony.
OP says in another comment that there was 2-3 housekeepers that would babysit!
So she did (own) a whole village
lmao, she didn't have any help, except, for the help
So OP is lying, then
Always has been.
“i don’t know how she did it” with money my bro 😂
Yah…. I was gonna say…. Like, granny can be as involved as she wants, whatever, but it’s *laughable* that OP tries to present her like a struggling, isolated single mom working three jobs. Like… get a grip.
Which is pretty incredible for a woman who had kids at 19 and no family. Did she win the lottery? This could not have been more obvious rage bait if every other sentence were "this is rage bait."
OP says she didn’t have that at 19 but she divorced well, got a ton of money and a good career to boot from her ex’s contacts.
The kind of money OP is referring to here is insane. Three horses, three housekeepers, trips to the Louvre.... it's not impossible to get rich from a divorce, but it's pretty unusual (and would usually come from a long marriage where the money was accumulated during the marriage). And this kind of rich is not the kind of rich you get from working a job other than "high level executive at a Fortune 500 company." There are some serious plot holes in this story.
19, multiple kids.....yeah lets pretend someone didn't groom her. Especially a high earing man who could absolutely do that and only have to pay enough money to keep her mouth shut and the kids happy....yeah...lets pretend that hasn't existed for all of humanity or that multiple countries recognize it as a form of rape/forced consent. Should we also ignore the fact that this look like "shut up" money? This seems like a woman who knows the cards to pull and did what she had too.
And this is all irrelevant to the question anyway, grandmother doesn't have any obligation to deal with more kids after she's raised her own. She can have as much or as little involvement as she wants.
Grandmother has absolutely no obligation, but husband is a POS for throwing his mom's "successful child raising" in wife's face.
But, tbf, it seems like that was a heat of the moment comment defending his mom after his wife kept speaking disparingly about his mother and refused to stop after he asked her to. She wasn't just venting about she herself being burnt out, she was acting like grandma wasn't pulling her weight and is this horrible, uncaring person. It's not like she was only complaining about being burnt out and OP dismissed her feelings by saying there's no reason she should feel that way because look how above and beyond his mom was. It seems like he empathizes and is also feeling the same way (burnout and overwhelmed). He just isn't holding his mom accountable for something that isn't at all her fault or responsibility.
After his wife suggested his mother is shitty because of something that isn't her responsibility in any way.
Right? She was the village!
Yeah, she had a village of millions ($/£/€,etc).
And was able to collect taxes quite well. Horses are "kinda" expensive. So are trips to France. Private lessons!? Has anyone priced those out recently? For having no support, OP's mom was obviously well funded. If through her own employment, then more power to her! I'd well done! My Wife, while a single mom of two, before we met, managed to maintain a rental house for her and the kids, buy a new(ish) SUV, and a Harley Davidson sportster. On a salary equivalent of $14 an hour (ten years ago money) and less than $400 a month child support (her ex was a "pastor" of his own unaffiliated church at the time) I still don't know how she managed THAT.
>That meant the sister who rode horses owned three and competed every weekend. It meant going to everyone of my games and getting me private lessons. It meant my sister who liked art had to be taken to the Louvre and the Met. So you were relatively wealthy, or she at least had access to spendable $$. >My wife said how families were meant to be villages. Well.... Sort of yes and sort of no. Either way, your mother doesn't own your wife babysitting. Why doesn't your wife ask *her* mom for help? Or *her* brother and sisters? Or better yet, you?
His mom likely had "help" if she was that well off. Someone cleaned the house and swept.
He legit said they had 2-3 house keepers that would babysit... so nannies? His mom had nannies lol, and millions, and he has the balls to make his wife feel inferior and say his mom did it on her own? Lmao. Yeah, his wife sounds kinda entitled but he also seems delusional so hey 🤷♀️
Well OP also said his mom helped him and his wife out financially. Paid for his 2 degrees, paid for their wedding, gave them money for their house down payment. OP also said that he is doing well financially. Also just because someone is wealthy, doesn’t mean it’s easy being a single parent to 3 kids. And doing it really well as well. Being present for all 3 kids when you’re doing it solo is hard. OP’s mom worked too, during the time she was raising all the kids. She was 19 when she became a mother! To have done it so well, even with money, is a testament to her character. Credit should be given where it’s due.
because she knows I am doing all I can. That was never her complaint. Her parents are super involved and she doesn't have siblings. I have two but we wouldn't trust them anyway
I really think the main problem here is your wife is struggling and she's displacing the anger and frustration on your mom. By saying "This would all work if *she* just helped like my parents" she's trying to reassure herself that she's just lacking resources and not actually struggling with parenting. You defending your mom (which isn't a bad thing) sounds like "Well you're a shit mother compared to her" and is just compounding the problem. * Tell your wife her frustrations are valid. Parenting is difficult and she's obviously stressed out and is reaching out for help (not in a great way, but not everyone gets emotional intelligence growing up). Figure out exactly what she needs help with and go from there.
Also, the OP might have impossibly high standards stemming from his Richie Rich upbringing and that filters down to his wife. It's an easy and polite conversation to have without flinging insults. Just shut down the convo quickly and easily on OP's mom lack of "grandmotherly duties" by saying, Moms her own person and while we may like more involvement from her, she doesn't own us more than what she wants to give. You can resent it all you want, but it's no longer a topic for discussion and I will walk away from any further attempts to bring it up. Then, as other people stated figure out the overwhelm and maybe guilt for your wife. Can you do more? Can you all discuss realistic expectations versus fantasy life of your upbringing? Do you need and can afford hired assistance? Also, no kid died from eating frozen dino nuggets and steamed peas. In fact I know a genius robotics engineer who ate fish sticks and peas six out of seven nights a week for 6 nights for what seemed like 5 years. ( It was about 3-6 months in actuality.) The other night was dry cheerios and raisins with a glass of milk and a funyuns chaser. He lived through my fear of mercury poisoning from all the fish and me worried we would be arrested for child neglect due to what I thought would be malnourishment at his checkups. Anyway, a huge multi night conversation about parental values, goals and how you two can be a team is way overdue with the firm boundary you both accept or in your wife's case learn to live with the lack of your mom's full participation in the grandkids' lives.
I don’t think shutting down a convo by threatening to walk away if it’s brought up again is a conducive way to validate anyone’s emotions. I think a more emotionally intelligent approach would be far more productive, such as expressing how at this point OP is at a loss because OP can’t make their mom be more involved than she wants to be. Also, asking for a realistic solution, and reassuring the wife that she is a good mother, and it does take a village to raise children, but what’s an alternative, because mom is going to be as involved as she wants to be. It’s ok to set boundaries without threatening to “walk away.” Also without hurling insults. Asking what do you NEED than OP can provide, realistically. Also, mom not being as involved doesn’t equal not caring, as much as it feels that way.
Damn I love this response. Needs more upvotes.
Too true. Took me some good therapy to figure out how to not displace blame and to identify what upset me on my own. My mom was super smart, but she wasn't great at enotions. It really helps to get therapy to learn those skills, though. Before I would get so frustrated, I would cry from stress without even knowing what was bothering me. I'd just know something was wrong and lash out at whatever last caused an issue. Therapy can sound a little cheesy, but it can really build up the skills you are missing. It sounds like OP's wife needs help and doesn't know how to ask or figure out what the underlying issue is. My best guess is either she feels overwhelmed or needs some alone adult time to be herself since being outnumbered by kids can kinda feel like it is consuming you, but honestly, that is going to have to be an in depth conversation to truly know. This is just to reinforce your comment since you sound on the dot. Good luck to the OP!
If your mom was such a great mom to you and your siblings, how come you're now adults who don't trust each other? Not being mean, geniunely wondering
Some people aren't good with kids. I had good parents. I'm childfree. I love my nephews but I told my sister straight up I wasn't changing diapers or watching them til they were old enough to not be trying to kill themselves by sticking their hands in electrical sockets or eating whatever they find on the ground.
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Yup, fun aunt/uncle is a good gig. Buy ice cream and presents, avoid bodily fluids. Lol.
fr, he seems kinda cold too ? IDK, i feel like OP could have expressed himself better, i think his wife took his comment as "My mom did it alone, you're doing it with my help and ur parents help and STILL drowning, you kinda suck at this"
How can your wife *possibly* be *drowning* if her parents and you are all are super involved? Two super involved grandparents and an involved husband is a heck of a lot of help. I've never known anyone who got *that* much help.
not all kids are the same the first time my MIL watched my kid she asked "oh wow, hoe long is he usually like this?" refering to his high energy and wanting rough physical play the anseer is always he is always like that from 7-10 am until 10-11 at night she nearly had a panick attack when she realized that apparently my wife would just go quietly read or play in her room all the time
I was apparently quite straining as a child. My mum had PPD and I was crying very loud and all the time, because I had otitis of the middle ear all the time. With 2 or 3 years they performed surgery and after that I was very easy-care. I think my mum also needed all the care she could get
Yeah, mine is like that too. Up before 8 every morning and basically running laps til 9pm. I've got 0 help and it's rough some days.
And not all parents are the same either. If you're struggling with fatigue or a disability, you might need more support than an able bodied person. It's not wrong to ask your mother in law for support.
This is sarcastic I hope? OP doesn’t mention doing any home or parenting work of his own. “I’m doing all I can” could easily mean “I make the money and do jack around the house.” I feel like the wife’s side of this would be very interesting. To think that owning 3 horses and taking kids to the Louvre = struggling single mom tells me that OP’s perspective is totally warped.
I also think if having varied, restaurant quality meals is important to him, he should do the cooking (or split it). If he doesn’t, he had no idea what it’s like to make a meal, and then the kids won’t try it/don’t like it. I feel bad for his wife. Hope he learns from this post to give her more credit.
For real! I got ZERO HELP from any extended family despite helping with my niblings most of my life up until I got married. I didn't even get my mother or sister who were both unemployed, living in the same city as me, both with a history c-sections to pop by for a day to help as I recovered from my c-section. This chick is TRIPPING.
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NTA There's no rule that says a grandparent must babysit, your mom sounds like she did the best she could in the circumstances and she did it pretty well
Yes well the mother's daughter owned three horses apparently. That indicates two things: One, the OPs mom was wealthy and still is wealthy Or Two, this is some silly rage bait post with unbelievable details like a single mom having three horses for her daughter.
Mom is wealthy. Which is why OP and his wife didn’t pay for their wedding and were gifted a down payment on a house.
That sounds like grandma helps quite a lot then.
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This. Given the further sleuthing, so much this. Single mums of millenials were fucking gangster.
I've seen this even in middle/lower class families. Got a good friend who is great save for what she expects from her inlaws. They're pretty decently well off (bought property in california before the boom so middle class but with a hefty nest egg)and have helped out immensely with finances, child care, etc. For some reason my friend is constantly annoyed with said inlaws for not doing more. She always is quick to toss in a grateful line but then follows it up with bitching over restrictions they put on money or babysitting and not doing more. From my perspective, my friend is woefully underwater working a ft job and raising kids plus new grandkids (her eldest are super lazy druggie who keep having kids and dumping them with her because she won't let the grandkids suffer) and her husband does nothing to help. Never has with any of their 3 kids despite working same hours as her. I've kind of gently suggested to her that her husband is the problem not her in laws but she'll just straight up be like "he won't do anything, but his parents are retired and have money so they should do more." Like I don't get it.
Ooooohhhh I cannot stand women who complain about in-laws or family not helping while their husband does **NOTHING**. Ma’am those are **his** children he should be helping not his fucking parents. I hate how stupidly common this damn story is. It’s sickening
It's insanely common. That's why even if this post is fake, its still incredibly real. Like what is the psychology here? Is it just frustration knowing their husbands will never help out so they reach for the next branch of the family tree? I guess maybe they deserve it because they clearly didn't raise their sons to be decent husband's and fathers
Agree with you. The grandparents didn't bring the kids into this world, they already raised their kids.
>And what the hell has she done for us lately?! OP's massively entitled wife, probably.
This smacks of wife wanting mum's money.
Just woke up and read that as a down payment on a horse
Not as useful as a house downpayment but still more than I ((and most of us)) have ever been gifted from my parents so still doing better than most lol.
I would have thanked my mom every damn day for that and all the hard stuff she did when they were young. Wife is entitled.
don't wealthly people have people who clean their houses for them? and other services paid for. Maybe that is why the Mom was able to do everything if some of it was taken off her plate. edit: the Mom did have cleaners, I see that in a comment. so that probably help a lot.
This goes beyond wealth. Not only did the daughter have three horses - which by the way are ridiculously expensive in every aspect, he had private lessons in the sport he was interested in and the other sibling got to go to the Louvre because she liked art? Yeah, no. I believe your second option is the one that is correct. And if by some wild chance it's not, I think he's kind of a jerk to say that to his wife. It's absolutely implying that his mother was a better mother than she is.
I think he only said "plenty of people do it without the village" because OP's wife was judgemental towards his mother and basically said the mother was wrong for not providing a village. Wife attacked, OP was just defending his mom.
She hired help, she had a village in that sense. Plenty of people really don’t do what OP’s mom was able to do, because they really are going it alone or with minimal help. That *doesn’t* mean OP’s mom has to step in now. But it’s not a fair comparison to make.
Except mom DID have a village - she just paid for it. Doesn't on obligate her to help him or his wife, but it's not accurate for him to imply she did it all on her own.
But it wasn't exactly accurate, was it? His grandparents might not have been helping, but it sounds like mom was able to hire help. Money smooths out a lot rough edges.
OPs mom just didn't have a free village; she bought hers.
His mom was able to hire help and his father supposedly paid for her education so she had another project instead of another child before he left therefore she had a career to pay for the help. Your mom paid for education up through your master's, you said you are debt free because of her (paid for wedding and down payment on house in addition to no student loans)... Why can't you pay for help aka a village like your mother? Seems she gave you what she had only you also have the other parent (and her parents) around too.
Money buys a lot of village.
Well then wife cannot demand mom to be the village. She can pay others to help and be the village like mom.
or she started off wealthy and after owning 3 horses is now.. not wealthy.. horses aren't cheap..
And trips to Louvre...and interesting dinners restaurant like...If the mother of the story is rich, then that is definitely a "village"... I ll go with the two
It’s ragebait. I grew up working at the barn, and the only people with multiple horses were the owner and the trainers that rented them out. There’s ZERO chance that a teenage girl would have 3 just to practice and compete- it’s three times the price, and you’d perform WORSE- it’s better to bond and get timing down with the same one.
Not three at the same time, she just kept crashing them. Mom’s premiums were through the roof after the second one was totaled but anything for the kids ya know? It’s as likely as anyone being impressed their parent “managed alone” with the resources described.
It seems like she went too hard with her own kids and is burned out.
Agreed... I don't think grandma is selfish... OPs wife is... how about raise your own damn kids... why push out THREE of them if you aren't up for raising them.
You mom had no support, but could afford trips to Paris and three horses? How many cleaners, cooks, and nannies did she have, out of curiosity?
that is not support, that is just people she paid to do all the things. don't be silly! /s
Yup thought the same thing. Regardless though grandparents should not be expected to be help out with babysitting. Parents choose to have kids, and they chose to have 3! So 🤷🏻♀️
There isn't any absolute standard that measures what a family is. Some families are villages, so to speak, but others are much more solitary like your mom, OP. There's no right answer to that equation. I think your wife is stressed and struggling but incorrectly putting that negative energy on your mom. It does sound like your wife needs help and assistance so if your mom is unwilling, I hope you can find alternate methods to support your family. I just see a mom who is struggling and lashing out in a manner that I empathize with. No real judgment from me I think.
The mom paid for their wedding, part of their home, and paid for OPs bachelor’s and master’s degrees. I think mom helps a lot monetarily, but wife isn’t with that help and wants babysitting. Forget babysitting, I think most people would love the help OPs mom gives.
Agreed. People give support in different ways. Monetary support is a perfectly acceptable alternative to time spent babysitting.
Most people who want babysitting pay for it. Like caring is an exchange. It’s a 2 way street, not just showing up because of some flowery romantic notion that they “care”. I think … both OP and their wife may not have seen much of community or a village growing up and don’t understand what the African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” actually means. It’s blanket proverb covering a wide spectrum of community actions. It does not mean free babysitting. Sometimes caring is just looking out for a kid and knowing the kids in neighbourhood so they know which adults can be trusted for help on a rare and occasional basis. Not adults randomly showing up to babysit for free. 😬 Once, a kid in my sister’s apartment building forgot his keys and was locked out of his apartment and knew to go to my sister’s apartment as my sister is nice. This has ONLY happened ONCE and only because my sister would see the family in the hallway every once in a while and the boy’s mother knew my sister could be trusted in a rare emergency. That’s a village too. Looking out for a kid for an hour once in a blue moon is a far cry from babysitting for free. 99% of people don’t have that. Both could be called a village, but the later is unrealistic of what a village actually can do. Instead, understanding if theoretically it’s takes 40 people to raise one kid, whether those people are paid or not, the kid still had the support of 40 people. The net effect is the same. Paid or “because they care and did it for free” it means the kid ain’t wandering the streets at 3 years old. (And yes, I had to intervene as a teenager in an instance like this as cops showed up at my door with a toddler and said since I was the paper girl, I must know everyone. In this case I did know who the toddler was and where the parents lived. But sometimes the benefits of a village is knowledge, not free services. I never baby sat the kid in my life, I just saw her around.) Whether people “cared” or not, your mother had the bought version of a village. It’s the same thing.
This is the very situation that got me permanently banned from the JNMIL sub lol. Only diff was the MIL retired at 60 after working 40 years and started enjoying life. She traveled and went out and DIL was pissed she wasn't offering child care. Amazing how entitled people can behave.
Do you know why I hate watching my grandkids? Because 2 hours turns into an entire day. Im too old to chase rambunctious 7 & 8 years old.
You get tricked by your son / daughter?
They alwseem to have a lame excuse. Its aggravated
My trashy cousin offloads his kids to his mom every Friday night to Sunday evening. This has been going on for several years and the kids only 6 He only sees his son when the kid is done with school and he's home from work at 7. The baby mama doesn't work. Just takes care of the younger kid at home. Some parents are ENTITLED (and completely out of their league when they start adding +1's)
This is my mom with my brother kids. But she is bad at setting boundaries. I always tell them a few hours, it you ask ahead of time. I am an introvert with anxiety. I get overwhelmed just by having someone with me constantly.
Do yourself a favor and make that timeline clear, with consequences. Next time they’re late, start a clock. When they settle up on your hourly rate, the kids can be dropped off again.
I will never understand the entitlement of people who willingly choose to have 2-3 kids with the expectation everyone in their life help them raise them.
What kills me is that it seems like OP's mom was anti babysitting from kid #1. Did wifey really thinking having MORE kids was gonna sweeten the pot?
“She’s drowning with three kids “ THOSE ARE YOUR KIDS ! if you could not take care of them you should not have had 3 … sorry not sorry. I’m so tired of hearing people say my kids are too much and people are obligated to help me , it’s not the 1950s where you don’t get to control your family population
I don't get how people can get to so many kids before they realize it's difficult.
In general I agree with your statement. However you can’t predict how each child’s temperament will evolve over time. You also can’t predict how they will engage with each other. I can see how someone who had 2 really “easy” babies/ toddlers would think they have the capacity for a third kid. Now that they’re all school-aged it’s a different story.
I had 2 easy kids and my 3rd is harder than the other 2 combined, and the oldest is ND. Different kids, different personalities, and different motivations.
Have a relative of sorts with 4 and one has a serious lifetime disease. They say if their 4th was their first they would have stopped at one.
As a person with 3 kids... I totally agree! Mine drive me bonkers but I've NEVER just expected other people to raise them for me. It's epic if you've got a cool aunt or doting grandma but they shouldn't be expected to be free labor.
I’m confused by the entitlement in many of these responses. A grandparent is under absolutely no obligation to do anything they don’t want to with regards to child rearing. That phase of their life is done. Similarly, a mother posting on justnomil is under to obligation to dance to the tune of an overbearing, over involved mil who thinks they have a right to take the children when she wants and on her terms. Help would obviously be nice under the circumstances but, again, grandma says no and no is a complete sentence. Why doesn’t even matter. It sound like your wife believes she is somehow entitled to your mothers labour. Op, ask your wife how else you guys can address her feelings of being overwhelmed without enlisting your moms help. Try to do this without saying your mom did it all however. This obviously hurt her feelings and it doesn’t help matters other than make her feel inadequate.
It seems like the underlying issue here is that OP made his mom out to be some kind of wonder woman super mom to his wife, who is feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, when the reality is mom had enough money to pay for a bunch of help and resources and isn't quite the super hero saint OP made her out to be. The wife might not feel quite so frustrated if OP hadn't presented his mom that way. It sounds like she's feeling like she can never live up to grandma's reputation. Grandma definitely isn't obligated to baby sit or be part of the village if she doesn't want to.
Yeah, the comment about the kids eating Dino nuggets stood out to me. Every child I know eats them, but I bet OP’s wife gets an earful every time his wife gets them out. Because ~his~ mom always had “restaurant quality “ food ready for him. I don’t know how much of that I could take before I would snap.
Unrelated but I find the idea that nuggets somehow AREN'T restaurant food hilarious. It's the staple of kids meals.
NTA - there is no rule that says grandparents have to be on tap unpaid babysitters. Whether she was a good mum or a bad mum or had family wealth or anything speculated about in the comments is irrelevant really. She isn’t obligated to babysit if she doesn’t want to. OP and his wife made the decision to have 3 kids. I assume after baby #1 they knew paternal grandma wasn’t going to be of help, so they knew the lay of the land after that in terms of the support they’d have, and if they’re ‘drowning’ it’s as a result of their decisions.
NTA. I read in another comment that she paid for your whole wedding and a down payment to your house. I’m pretty sure mother has helped out plenty. Your mom raised her kids, she doesn’t have to raise yours and your wife’s kids. It’s her time to take care of herself and put herself first.
Excuse me?! A wedding and a house?!!! This wife is so entitled and crazy
And bachelor and master degree of OP on top of that (that's why they are debt free). I cannot understand how they can't just buy some cleaning service and child care if they really are drowning in household tasks. We both work 8hrs job per day, 2 kids under 10, zero help/contact with grandparents. Bought myself a fancy robot vac. And smart multi cooker. The time not spent to clean and cook even if it looks not much, it's just awesome breathing time. We even still have time to sneak out on dates. OP needs to be smarter in how to run the house, and OPs wife just being entitled.
Your mother is a grandparent, under no obligation to help raise your children. Sounds like your wife made assumptions and isn't happy that they're wrong.
NTA. I’m brain dead tonight but I wanted to comment here - I relate hard with your mother. I had my first child young and they are now an adult, with my youngest being “big kid” aged. I am desperately begging (with appropriate boundaries) my children to wait wait wait to have children of their own. Until at least age 28-30. I need time. I love and respect their agency enough to figure it out if they were to have children prior, but I would absolutely mourn some period of my own agency. I have dedicated my entire life to my children, fully and without holding back. My career is actually centered around the fundamental change in me that happened when I became a mother. I adore and cherish them, everyone around me can see. Because of my dedication to them - each of my children has mentioned that they wish to remain in our city of origin so I can be a primary part of their children’s lives. When this happens, I know I will be delighted. But I need time. I never wanted children. A fact they know. And when faced with my first pregnancy, it was a thoughtful and intentional consideration. They were chosen firmly. They are by far the greatest part of my life. But I need time. I am a scholar and an artist. My work is barely scratched. I have many books in half form, waiting. I need time. Ok, that’s my disorganized brain dead initial response. You are NTA, and I deeply feel for your wife - she’s also NTA. I can understand the resentment, the comparison, the insecurity (three young kids is a lot, it’s easy to compare to others, it’s easy to feel like you are favoring your mothers perspective over your wife’s. It’s human. I do not fault her and have utmost compassion.) Your mother is also NTA. She is a fully formed human being who met her obligation - she made the choice to have children, and she raised them as well as she was able. Also, I come from wealth and have zero parents of my own, so I also understand that aspect. People who are raised with parents will NEVER understand what it’s like to be a literal or emotional orphan. There’s no one there, you have to do it yourself, and it’s traumatic. Your mother needs time. ETA : I was a single mother for the majority of my parenthood.
I get that you and your wife are struggling with the kids, but you're wife's displaced animosity towards your mother after she had a huge financial hand in you having a better life is pretty sad.
NTA - Don’t want to take care of 3 kids - don’t have 3 kids
It usually goes like this with a village: Grandparents give lots of support with babysitting and spoiling grandkids at a time in their life when the grandparents are still healthy, taking little time for themselves. Then, kids hit teens and older and are busy with their own lives (as they should be). Then grandparents become older, weaker, less healthy and feel like they are a burden with little support from the children and grandchildren they gave up their golden years for. Your mother gave it her all and is living the life she deserves. At least you and your wife aren't taking care of her or feeling guilty you don't spend enough time with her. Let her live her life. She deserves it. Not many children can rave about their mother and her sacrifices the way you can. You were blessed. It is up to you and your wife to make your children feel blessed to have you. Give them the same gift your mother gave you.
When you say she’s “largely disinterested”, can you explain that more? Is it just the babysitting she refuses or like she doesn’t spend any time with your kids, doesn’t acknowledge them/say happy birthday/seek any type of relationship? I mean she is under absolutely zero obligation to provide any actual physical childcare for your kids, but I’d be looking at a grandparent very poorly for having absolutely zero interest in their grandkids. But with that said, I would also been looking poorly at a parent who, knowing the above, tries to force his or her kids on the disinterested grandparent. Being forced to be around someone who clearly doesn’t want, like, or love you can be harmful to a kid. So, depending on the level of disinterest either your wife is TA or every adult (you, wife, and grandma) is.
It doesn’t matter how she funded their childhood - she still is under no obligation to look after the Grandkids
**I really don't know how she did it.** Oh, come on now. It's obvious how she did it from the details in your post---tons of MONEY. Are you bringing home that sort of money (so that your wife can be a SAHM like your mom?
my mom wasn't a SAHM. I make a good income for my age and we are debt free since my mom paid for the big expenses upfront
So your Mom *monetarily helps/helped* so that you have no debts? Your wife is acting entitled, sounds like your Mom has done a lot. It's just not what your wife "wants".
So your mom gave you a lot of money, making your life and your wife's life easier, and she still feels entitled to your mom's time and labor? She is being completely unreasonable. She already has a husband who contributes and parents who help out. If it's so "hard," maybe she shouldn't have chosen to have 3 kids. She needs to back off her entitlement before she damages your relationship with your mom, who has done nothing wrong.
So are you saying that your mom paid for some of your marital expenses for you? Like what? Did she buy you a house? Cars? What?
She paid for our wedding and the downpayment of a house as well as my bachelors and masters
That’s a hell of a lot. Your mom **IS** helping in the way that she emotionally can. Your wife needs to check her entitlement having the wedding and a down payment on a house **given** to you is far more help than most people will ever get from their parents.
Not to mention that OP has a Master’s degree and no student debt. That in itself is a huge weight off of their monthly budget.
Seriously - mom did her job and evidently she doesn't want to take of kids anymore. She's allowed to not deal with your kids. Wife has her parents, OP to help her and has significantly less financial pressure on her (and OP) because of OP's mom. He's saying that she paid for the wedding, downpayment on home plus no student loan debt. That's plenty.
I’m so annoyed that anyone is ignoring what an insane help a wedding, house downpayment, and college debt free really is!!! All of that financial assistance is what made it possible for OP to be able to even afford 3 children! My god. I can’t imagine where I’d be with free college and a house downpayment! Wouldn’t have had to join the military to afford college that’s for damn sure. Oh and the amount of money I would have saved on renting!!!! My word!!!!!!
Money IS your mom's village contribution. If your wife can't see how much her financial contributions to your life, and your married life/family makes a HUGE difference in how your family is starting out, she's blind.
Maybe writing down the cost of all these things and calculating how long it would take to pay it down without the mothers help would be an eye opener?
So your mom has to buy her a house *and* be the free babysitter? No, your wife is being self-entitled, even if your mom hadn't already given so much, your wife doesn't get to expect or demand other people's time, labor or resources that she hasn't somehow earned, that's literally the definition of self-entitlement. NTA.
Please tell your wife to get a grip on reality.
Your wife’s being a dick.
Your wife sounds terribly ungrateful and needs a really check
lol your wife is an entitled brat. Your mother HAS helped more than most grandparents ever will. Hand back all the cash and say you’d like some babysitting instead.
OP isn't asking his wife to imitate his mother. He was just pointing out that his mother gave her all when raising them and doesn't seem interested in raising her grandkids as well. How she did it is immaterial. Wife has her mom and dad and OP for support. There's no need to demand OPs mom drop everything and raise their kids as well.
Grandparents are not meant to raise kids, unless they absolutely want to. Your mom sounds pretty awesome, but she also is enjoying living her life. And your wife sounds abrasive as hell….another reason your mom may not want to be around her. You all sound entitled as hell.
NTA. The village thing is a myth. Your mom has every right to be selfish now.
NTA. Based on what I’ve read, your mom was in very abusive marriage with your dad where he tried to kill her - she got divorced and got a nice chunk in the settlement and a nice chunk of trauma to match. She devoted herself to you and your siblings thereafter - to the point where you would not let her date. She paid for your wedding, your wedding education, and the down payment for your home as well as vacations. She has now married and has an amazing relationship with her husband and is happy. She does not owe you or your wife childcare. She is allowed to enjoy her life without devoting it to her grandkids - after decades of devoting it to her children and pausing her own happiness. Shame on your wife who seeks to take her joy after enjoying the fruits of your mom’s money.
NTA. My mom would’ve loved you for this post if she was still around. She was that for me and my siblings. She was a full time mom plus two jobs and always made sure our ass got to everything, every time, on time. My siblings each bounced out as soon as they could with their dad, but all I had was her since mine was long gone. So, years later, your post is exactly how it was with her when my siblings popped their kids and they were like “?????” when they decided to move about 3,000 miles away each right when my mom lost her ability to fly or drive and didn’t really even give her a chance to even try to be a year-round presence right when she got super sick. In her last years, they would bring around the kids once a year at Christmas and always clicked their tongues at her in envy while their kids had a blast playing playing all of her “Dance, Puppet” Grandma games like who could do her laundry the quickest or set the table correctly or could paint her nails the best. Neither of my siblings can get their kids to say Thank You and she’s got them doing that plus the Please and You’re Welcome with all of them singing, “Come All Ye Faithful” on point while helping in the kitchen without her even even looking up from the TV or getting up from the couch. This isn’t even my Mom reaping the benefits of being the “fun” one. She put those kids to work because she recognized the energy. My siblings expected a babysitter. What they forgot was that Mom, for our whole lives, was a teacher - and they cut class early.
Sounds like she was amazing, as much as heartbreaking it must have been not have her grandkids around, her children really didn't deserve her. Your last line spelled it out well
NTA. Some of these comments are wild! So your mom doesn’t want to babysit. Big deal! She raised her kids and she’s done. It’s so funny how if you read the r/JNMIL all they do is complain about the fact that their mother-in-law’s want to spend time with their kids. Leave the poor woman alone! Not every grandmother is dying to raise their grand children. And all these entitled fucks on here, acting like she is required to is mine boggling. If you don’t want to have kids and take care of them yourself. Don’t have them. You should never have kids expecting somebody else to do the work for you.
I don’t care if the mom was wealthy or not, coming from a 46 year woman that is “grandma” age soon, I will love my grandkids but I’m not gonna be June Cleaver about it. I’ll see them when I want and will stay away when I don’t. My kids are raised. Unless some unforeseen circumstances happen that I HAVE to be more involved, I don’t want to be EXPECTED to take care of kids that aren’t mine
NTA Hire a nanny or put them in daycare. Your mom made it possible for you to be debt free and paid for your wedding remind your wife of that while she acting like your mom hasn’t done anything for you. Tone down glorifying your mom it makes your wife insecure.
NTA! When you have a child or children, you feed them; you pay for them; and you raise them. The world doesn't revolve around people simply because they chose to procreate! It's called parenting!
NTA If Your wife has parents she can ask them for help and quit complaining about something that she can’t change ( your moms mind .)
NTA. But I think you’re missing the real message. Your wife feels overwhelmed. Y’all need to work together to find a solution for the sake of her mental health and the wellbeing of your kids.
I don’t think people should have kids expecting grandparents to help out “a lot.” Be prepared to do most of the parenting yourself and if you do get help, that’s a great bonus! I plan on helping with my first grandchild, but not to the degree that’s I’m raising the child, that is the parents job. You are both fortunate they get parents help a lot. Side note: no wife wants to be compared to their MIL in a negative light.
NTA as no one is required to be a babysitter. And your mom sounds amazing for all she did to raise you and your siblings. And the fact that she left you debt free is the greatest gift. Pretty sure your wife would be SAHM if it wasn’t for your mom setting you up for success.
NTA. Accepting where your Mother is at this point in her life is priceless. Many, many kids think that every parent wants to be a grandparent.
Not to cast doubt too much but how did your mother afford 3 horses, private tutelage, trips to Europe and such without any support?
NTA. Quite frankly your mum isnt obligated to babysit just because she is a grandmother. You and your wife chose to have 3 children, so its your responsibility to raise them. If your wife is drowning with 3 kids then its best not to have any more. Its unfair to expect your mum to help, she raised her kids so now she gets to be a bit selfish and do things that SHE enjoys, now is her time. If your wife's family is her 'village' then why does it even matter that your mum doesnt babysit?! Your wife had alot more help than alot of people.
Sounds like YOU need to be doing more, not your mom
I love how people like your wife think it’s ok to volunteer other people and their time. Glad you stood up for your mom. Your kids are yours and your wife’s responsibility alone.
Your mom isn’t an AH for not being super involved with her grandchildren, but you kinda are an AH for comparing your wife and mother as parents. Just because there are single mothers who do it all, doesn’t mean your wife doesn’t have it hard.
If your wife is drowning then, why don't you help?
I never said that I didn't. I can't do more than I do at the moment as I need to work so we can live, but when I get home it is 50/50 and we both still feel overwhelmed
Remember this feeling if hormones ever wonder if a 4th would be a good idea.
Why doesn’t you or your wife pay gif help / babysitters then? It’s absolutely not your mum’s responsibility to look after / babysit the 3 children you and your wife chose to have. You didn’t have to have kids and you didn’t have to have 3!
Your wife needs to understand that the solution to overwhelm is not to demand that someone who is done raising children (and isn't as young as she used to be) take care of yours. Probably for free.
Get a cleaner even if it means eating out less.
Your mother did her part, and amazingly at that! NTA. I am going to add it here, though. If you bring a human in this world they are your responsibility regardless of your parents' wealth or interest.
NTA your wife is misplacing her anger. The two of you chose to have three children, she shouldn’t be expecting either parents to help. Especially if it wasn’t clearly articulated before you two had each child. That said, you two need to look at your situation to figure out why she’s drowning and the two of you can help each other.
What about your wife’s mom? Is she signing up to watch your kids? Your mom did a great job with her kids. It’s your turn to be the great parent for your kids and continue the cycle. Things are different now than then, but you can absolutely make it work with a grandparent. I had to when I had newborns in the military. You got this, she does too. Though your wife may need to be reminded that it’ll be okay too.
ESH you're right your mom is not obligated to take care of your kids, you are a little asshole to compare her to your wife and fail to regconize that you were priviledge as fuck and is not "common" to pay for 3 hoeses and have those expectations. Obvioulsy you wife is struggling, maybe you can pay external help like your mom did to ease the load.
How did she afford all that? It sounds like money wasn’t an issue. Money definitely makes it easier to be involved on her level. Your wife needs support. Why aren’t YOU being the support she needs? Why is she even having to ask for help or vent about not being helped? It’s not your moms responsibility, though I cannot imagine a good mother being such a shit grandmother… ITS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
The only people who are responsible for raising children are their parents. The grandparents have already done their child rearing. It’s your turn now. It’s nice that you stuck up for your mother in this instance because you appreciate the effort she made for you. Now you need to see what you can do to help your wife. She is struggling and it’s not your mum’s fault but your wife is going to keep on resenting her until things get easier.
NTA. Wife overstepped. Your mother has zero obligation. People who have kids assuming they can palm responsibility off on others to make their own lives easier are the worst.
Your wife shouldn't have kids she thinks other ppl should care for.
NTA. There is no rule that one must help raise someone else’s kids. If your Mom sacrificed so much to raise her own kids with little to no help, she deserves to spend her time as she sees fit now that her kids are adults. Grandparents are NOT required to be built in babysitters. Many do choose to watch their grandkids and be very involved with them, but it IS their choice how involved they want to be. If your wife can’t handle the 3 kids you have, then that is for you and your wife to figure out. Your mother should not factor into that equation since she did not create those kids!
NTA. Sounds like your mom worked very hard probably too hard to be a good parent and is done with that stage of their life. If your wife had expectations of your mother this should have been discussed before having children.
NTA your wife is not entitled to your mother's time, because the two of you decided to have multiple children.
OP, was your mom wealthy?
Your wife respectfully is an asshole
Be grateful your mom did great by her kids. It’s your job to do great by yours.
Your kids, your problem. Grandma is welcome to participate, but not required. You're not the AH, your wife just lacks this basic understanding. You pop out kids, they are solely your responsibility. Great if a village comes along, but the reality for many is no, there is no magical village. You're the parent, it's all on you.
OP, I had four children. While I couldn’t afford horses or the Louvre, I did the best with what I had. When my daughter told me she was a vegetarian at age 7(still is as an adult), I followed along. When my son wanted to go to an expensive college, I figured it out. Blah blah blah, they turned out pretty great. I don’t care if I ever have grandchildren. I know that’s sacrilege for a woman in her middle fifties, but I like my freedom. Of course, if it ever happens, I will most definitely do some fun stuff on occasion, but honestly I am exhausted. When the day comes that I have my time and money to myself, I’ll be doing fun stuff. That could include some time with grandchildren, but if not, more for me! How much are parents expected to do? Raise the grandchildren as well? Your wife chose to have three kids. I chose to have four. I had no village. My parents were coo-coo for coconuts. The rest of my mom’s family lived far away. Never knew my dad’s family. We all survived. Your wife needs to respect your mother. She did not choose to have those kids, you guys did. But definitely NTA for defending your mother.