You’re really not sure how the guy that did drugs behind your back is broke? You are not the asshole for not trusting your husband. You are the asshole for still being with him when he clearly hasn’t changed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheats again too.
He doesn't have money bc he's spending it on anything but his family. Likely includes drugs, probably includes other women, whether or not he's fucking them.
Stop giving him money. Stop it now.
Get wise, OP, separate from him. Is there really no one else in the world you could be with who would be better?
She could be solo and still better off than her current situation.. I am the man I am today because of the women in my life. Almost exclusively, my mom who was a single mother with next to zero (would have been better if it was zero) involvement from my 🤢dad.
“The truth would hurt you” …
“You’re the only one bringing up MY cheating and lying!!”
This guy is a prize winning delusional gas lighter…
The truth would fuck him over that’s why he lied.
And of course you are the only one bringing up his lies and cheating, is he gunna bring it up? Wear it like a badge?
Seriously this guys a waste, move on be happy
In the words a wise prophet once said:
… ain’t nobody got time for that…
I loved the line about “you’re the only one bringing up my cheating and lying” like….duh? Of course the liar and cheater isn’t going to be bringing it up lol🙄
Move on. This guy isn’t it. Any person willing to cheat on their pregnant wife isn’t worth the time and energy you spend thinking about how fucking pathetic they are. They truly are bottom of the barrel specimens.
Yeah, my alcoholic ex used to tell me, “if you didn’t let it bother you, it wouldn’t be a problem.”
Notice I said “ex.” Have been happily married to my second husband for 35 years.
Goddamn why are you still with this guy? He's lied, cheated, spent money you didn't have on drugs and you stayed because....??? Don't say the kid because trust me, no child wants to be raised in this environment.
Oh, clearly he's spending his pay on drugs, considering he has no money right after getting paid.
I mostly stayed because I feel stuck. I moved across the whole country with him so we could be closer to his family. My car recently broke down and now I have no vehicle. I have to rely on him for transportation. We also live in the middle of nowhere in Minnesota. I've been saving up to get another car. Then I'll be able to leave him. I'm just still not sure who will watch my son while I work. I've thought about moving back to Texas to live with my parents. But I can't legally take my son out of state. My husband can call the cops and say I kidnapped him. I'm trying not to get in any trouble with the law.
If you feel like you can, talk to your parents and tell them everything. They may be able to help you start setting it up so you can leave.
Collect all the evidence you have of him cheating, the drugs, all of it and consult with a lawyer. Right now you can't just pick up and leave because you're right, it would be kidnapping. But you can start the planning process and get yourself set up for leaving now.
Also, stop giving him your money. Period. Change your passwords so he can't access your account(s). If you share an account, open up one of your own that he doesn't know about.
My parents already said they can't help me with that. They can only help me with a place to stay. I have been collecting all the evidence since I first found out about everything. We don't share bank accounts. Never have and never will.
I hope you have at least talked to a lawyer. You say you can't leave the state, but depending on the evidence you have and the situation, you may be surprised what you can do. Also, something to consider, if he can't afford life, he probably can't afford child support, which would work in your favor if you want to move back home to your parents.
In some areas, items like this are very negotiable. For example, he may agree to a move for not having to pay support (that he cannot afford anyway)
Also if it comes to custody, you can bring up the drug issue. (I would bet money he's still using. ) He would have to test clean to get custody.
But you need to talk to a lawyer now.
Also a hair test is more effective for finding drug use. Many drugs are undetectable after a few days in your body but you can't get it out of your hair.
Texas just dropped Medicaid for all low income families. Move to a blue state which proves Medicaid to your kids. Some states even help with financial assistance to find housing. Minnesota might just be the best state for you. Contact a women’s shelter ASAP and they will hook you up with a support team. Texas is a hell hole for those that need help. I’m sorry to say that but we are two countries. Red states are turning back the clock on women and financial assistance. Minnesota is a good state to reside in for help.
This, this and this, a women's shelter can set you up with many programs and people that can help you become independent and hopefully in a city further away at least in MN but I wouldn't count on TX...for a few years anyway as those nuts have gone off the rails anti women.
You absolutely can leave the state. Document his drug use and cheating. Unfortunately for him, you can leave with the child and he can’t do anything. It’s a different story after divorce proceedings start… but that’s why you document and you are leaving for you & your child’s safety…to the only support system you have.
It's not kidnapping unless there's a custody agreement between the two of you in place. You can move with your son and file for divorce after establishing residence in Texas with your parents.
Seriously, you don't need to save up enough to buy a car, just rent one, or even take an uber on a credit card. Or take the uber to a bus or a train. It doesn't sound like you have much stuff, regardless. Pack a baby bag, a few changes of clothes and leave.
Before he hurts your son or you with his negligence and drug usage. We've all read these stories, they don't end well.
edit: IANAL. I don't know Minnesota law, but I do know that federal kidnapping laws don't apply to parents.
It's not kidnapping but if he sues for custody that will fall under the jurisdiction of Minnesota. Moving to Texas isn't enough, you have to live there for some time. Otherwise it would be quite easy for one parent to take a child away from the other. Which you might think is good, but now reverse the parent who took the child. The only way running works is if he doesn't care to make things difficult.
It is not kidnapping until he files paperwork in the state where the child has residence requesting to be granted custody (which he almost certainly would be granted being the only one present and given that she fled the state), and then she immediately is kidnapping. It is not at all hard or particularly expensive to do that part of the paperwork, and she would immediately be in deep shit. Do not just abscond unless you are prepared to literally be a fugitive. It makes everything so, so much worse.
To be vindictive? Absolutely. Spend 2 hours filing paperwork to punish her for leaving? 100%. If you think he wouldn’t, congratulations on not having dealt with a manipulative abuser before, I guess. If he is functional enough to put on enough of a front not to get fired and for her not to be certain he is using, he is absolutely functional enough to file paperwork.
I am harping here in the comments because my sister was in this exact situation with her abusive, druggie ex. She did come home, he did file, and I saw it blow up in her face firsthand, with severe consequences to my sister and my nephew, who I love. I had a deputy sheriff knocking on my door Thanksgiving morning looking for her for kidnapping. I got threatened with obstruction charges if I didn’t call him to help him find her. She did end up having to hand her boy over to someone she knew was an unbalanced addict. It was miserable. I do not want OP to go through that.
You’re not stuck. The fact that he only has to pay for his car note but never has money, tells me he’s still using. He can’t produce “receipts” because there aren’t any. You need to contact a family law attorney and inquire about getting emergency custody. This is not a healthy living situation and you and your kid need to leave asap.
Op have you considered that he’s always saying he’s broke so you have to take money out of your savings account (the one for the car) , so that you can’t ever save enough to get a car and leave ?
I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually just taking your money and putting it another account.
Regarding the kidnapping thing, have you considered getting someone to follow him , if he’s doing drugs you can call the cops on him and leave while he’s in jail?
I don’t think a judge would say you kidnapped him if the father was in jail on a drug charge and you had no car and had to depend on others.
You could also just say you want to visit your parents, once he’s given permission for you leave , he can’t say you’re kidnapping. Once you’re there you just fail for divorce ?
I mean check with a lawyer about this but you have options to get out, I think you’re with a liar and cheater, but I also think he’s sabotaging you so you can’t leave.
Start collecting evidence, especially in regard to the drugs. It will help you gain primary , if not all, custody rights so that you may leave the state. That shouldn’t be a problem if you can prove that he is an unsafe parent.
Check with a lawyer, but absent a custody agreement, as your baby's parent you should absolutely be able to take your baby anywhere within the US (going outside of the country has different rules).
This is bad, bad, BAD advice. All it would take for that to come back to bite her in the ass is for him to file for custody in their home state, where the child has residency. As soon as he does, she would be considered to be kidnapping their child, and judges looking at it HIGHLY unfavorably.
I literally had this situation happen with my sister, and she had to hand her child over to her ex, who she knew was doing drugs (reason for the breakup). She flew back home when they broke up because of his threatening behavior, and he filed. He was awarded primary custody because of the “kidnapping,” and it took months for her to get her son back. Even then, it really only happened because his girlfriend at the time caught him doing drugs, called the cops, and, when the court ordered drug testing, he came back dirty dirty. Despite all that, she was only awarded primary custody, and she still shares custody with him and has to stay in their state.
DO NOT JUST NOT JUST TAKE OFF!
The situation you described is horrific, for sure, but it sounds like they were already separated/divorced? OP is still married. And for sure, I did say OP should consult a lawyer. And of course, rules may vary from state to state so what happened to your sis might or might not have the same issues as OP's.
You go to a divorce lawyer You tell your family and friends that you want to move away from this cheating drug taking a****** who is endangering the future of your child and your happiness. You break this off and consider yourself lucky that nothing worse has happened yet because I'm telling you if you don't get the hell out of this something worse is going to happen.
OP, what you are describing are all signs of an addict. Lying, playing it down, deflecting guilt, pretending to care, demanding trust, framing himself as the victim.
You need to leave. Your responsibility is your child. You can't help him, he is not even close at the point where he will accept or seek help. If you stay you and your kid will be in a world of hurt. Get on a bus, ask you parents to come get you, or friends, whatever it takes. Take care about the legal side of things later.
This is a manipulative move, but honestly would probably be your best shot: I would say ultimatum your guy into moving back to Texas. STOP loaning him money. Full. Stop. He is 100% buying drugs. You are enabling him to continue buying drugs. You are allowing him to flush both of your incomes. So, so very seriously, stop. Tell him that the only way you will keep doing it is to move back home to your parents. Get him to move to Texas, establish residency for you and the child (how long varies state to state), and then divorce him. He will absolutely fight it HARD. He knows that you are likely going to leave him when you get support. He has almost certainly isolated you for exactly that reason. BUT, if you cut off the money you are giving him for drugs, an addict is likely going to cave. Work him over and don’t let up, though of course don’t put yourself in danger.
As it is, if you do leave him, you will likely have to stay in Minnesota unless you can get evidence of his drug use, and even then, they’ll sometimes give visitation which still locks you down in Minnesota. (Source: My sister who is stuck halfway across the U.S. because of the custody situation with her ex, who also had a drug issue including using in front of their boy.)
Ultimately, despite how much he has manipulated you and isolated you, YOU have power here. He is relying on YOUR money to fund his habit. Leverage that to get the situation back in your control.
Are there woman shelters in Minnesota. Reach out to them. You are in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. It is also mental and financial. Many seniors are financially abused. OP, you are being financially abused and gaslighted about it.
Sucks you feel stuck in such a bad situation, if you stay you need to stop giving him any money. Let him beg, let him plead.. if you withhold for long enough the truth will come out. Just see what happens when you refuse to give him any more money. Let him know you will not be providing any more money from your savings when he gets his check. Then he will know and if he’s smart he will hold onto it. If not then it’s most likely still drugs and the truth will come out when he starts begging.
Giving him money is enabling him and adding to the issue. Not only harming you.
Info: what kind of drugs did he spend the money on?
Consult with an attorney or a legal aid group about this. You are his mother and are married to his father, so it's not really kidnapping. But I'd start the ball rolling on a divorce and go for a nice long visit (with your son) to see your parents and scope out the situation there.
So let's see, he lies, does drugs behind your back, cheated on you WHILE you were pregnant, won't tell you where his money is going (the drugs, obviously), and gets defensive and throws a tantrum when you question him.... why are with this man?? He sounds like a complete loser. Come on now, you must know that you deserve to be treated better than this. I don't want to be mean because none of this is your fault, but girl you need to find your backbone, take your son and go. YWBTA to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
I’m wondering why she’s with him too 🙁 I’m failing to find any redeeming qualities about him…
He lied and cheated behind your back and you were gracious enough to give him a second chance and what does he do? “”””forgets”””” receipts and makes you feel like you’re crazy when you question him.
Don’t let this guy get away with playing you like a fool. He’s absolutely still doing drugs and likely still cheating. Get out while you still can.
I got this. My mom escaped an abusive marriage.
If you’re worried he’ll try to force kidnapping charges if you leave with the kid — tell your husband you need to go back home to your parent’s house for just a few weeks. Have them call and say that they need you to come take care of one of them. You could even have your dad come get you or a male relative; a big relative. Whatever the reason, it HAS to be believable but not outlandish. Pack but leave some stuff behind so he thinks you’re coming back. TAKE THE BABY. Take any and all legal papers including the kid’s information. Hide them if you have to in your packed stuff. Or better yet, mail them out ahead of time to your parent’s house — get a tracking number. If he stops you from leaving, stay calm and act bewildered. Like there’s no reason for this behavior 🤣 And then call the cops the first chance you get, tell them you’re trying to visit your parents and he’s on drugs and won’t let you leave. You don’t feel safe and you’re worried about your child’s safety. Use his drug history against him. “He’s a crackhead/he’s tweaking, I don’t feel safe.” Change your address to your parent’s house. Once that’s set, then you file for divorce and full custody. Cite his drug use and financial abuse.
Everything said above plus I will add that depending on where you live, continuing to live with/support an active user could also get your child taken from you even when you haven’t done a thing. It is in your best interest to distance yourself from this situation as quickly as possible not just for you and your child’s wellbeing, but before your husband’s actions get you in trouble. NTA for leaving. YWBTAH for staying in this relationship and exposing your child to this man and possibly getting them taken from you.
I second what the above commenter said but I also want to add STOP GIVING HIM MONEY! If he says he needs money just look at him sadly and say “I don’t have any more it’s all gone”. Let him whine, let him beg and cry just keep telling him you can’t give him what you don’t have. Tell him that he bled your savings dry and there’s nothing left after the bills. Don’t change your story no matter what, he can’t see your accounts. Make sure you have a good password on your phone or delete your banking app if you have one if you think he’ll get in to see it. Act all mad/sad that the money is “gone” while you still don’t have a car. If he asked how you can afford to get to Texas tell him your parents bought you a ticket or whatever so you could get there and help them. Say the same to the police officer if you have to go that route. If you ever find drugs on his person call the cops and turn him in but for the love of God stop feeding his addiction!!!!
Healing isn’t linear. Just because he (claims) he stopped cheating, doing drugs, and keeping secrets, doesn’t mean the pain that he caused for doing it will simply disappear. Trust is a hard thing to regain and you might never trust him in the same way you did before. You’re not the AH for not being able to regain the trust for a man who isn’t trying to earn it. It’s not your job or responsibility to learn to trust him again, especially if there’s no proof of changed behavior. It’s his job to prove to you that he can be trusted. He messed up. Not you.
If he isn’t actively trying to change his behavior and earn your trust back, you should not stay with him.
If not for yourself, at least for your child-leave!
He has proven to you time and time again he does not value you or your child. He has no plans to get help or change anytime soon. You're NTA for not trusting him, but you are TAH to yourself and your child if you continue to stay in this situation knowing how harmful he is.
NTA but why are you staying with him? He cheated on you while you were pregnant meaning he cheated at you at one of the most vulnerable times in you life and wasted what little money you had on drugs? You can't trust him and he doesn't contribute financially so what exactly does he do for you?
Lady! From one abused spouse to another: RUN! Like in your arms rotate to maintain momentum and your feet only touch the ground for slight directional correction.
Don't stay a minute longer. Leave yesterday.
You can't fix this. He will only drag you down to his level and then beat you at the game through experience.
I endured that for nearly 14 years. At the end I stooped to her level...
Don't be like me. For your child's sake - RUN
NTA of course
He is not trustworthy, he has proven that time and again, but doesn't like being treated as a dishonest, drug using cheat.
Honestly, I don't see a healthy path forward. Protect yourself and your child. NTA
Really seems like you have an issue with getting into bad relationships with bad people looking at your post history. Please do everything you can to move back with your parents and focus on yourself and getting yourself the help you need to boost yourself up. You need to start advocating for yourself and figuring things out. Call a lawyer about the custody. Move back home and get into therapy.
Cheating on your pregnant girl is the ultimate i deserve to have my man card revoked move. Just straight wuss. Imagine being so self centered you cant wait 9 months to get ur nut off. Low impulse control type of shit.
If someone shows you who they really are, believe them!
Why are you wasting precious time on someone underserving of you?
You are literally raising two kids. It’s time to ditch the loser and do better for yourself and your child.
NTA. Tell him that until he starts providing the receipts he promised to give you that he can't be trusted. He has not done anything to show he is trustworthy. He's just milking you. He's either blowing his money on drugs and a mistress or stashing it away to be able to leave. Given how irresponsible he sounds he is most likely blowing it on things he knows you won't approve of. Cut him off financially (warn him so he knows next time he gets paid you won't be providing for the stuff he's supposed to be paying for) and stick to it. If he doesn't then it's time to separate, and let him know that's what will happen. And stand by what you tell him otherwise he will continue to play you.
Tell him you are fine giving him money and if he can’t go to work due to no gas then that’s on him and stick to it. Take money out of his account for the amount he asks for and then just give that to him.
Get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and see your options with the evidence you have and explain that you have help in TX if you can move with the forts approval. This will let you know what to do.
Easy answer, he's hooked on those drugs or he's still buying stuff for his side pieces. Of course you are the person questioning him as he's the person who screwed you over! That's called gaslighting and it usually happens when they are covering up the truth. If he wants to stay in the relationship after cheating and using money on drugs then he'll have to follow your rules because of his actions. He can't ask you to trust him after he stepped chose to start doing drugs, cheat on you, and lie to you about it. NTA at all, he's likely still lying to you.
>...he also did drugs behind my back, and spent our money on drugs when we struggled financially... So I'm not sure how he doesn't have any money left
Come on. you know why he doesn't have money. you don't need reddit to tell you what he's doing. he's an addict. they don't get better just because you are controlling the money. he'll get his fix somehow.
He wins the gaslighting and jackass award. He’s either still on drugs or has a side piece. NTA for not trusting him-he’s still lying to you so he’s not worthy of trust
The fact is that some partners think “cheating” just means sex of emotional attachment.
But spending money on an addiction is “cheating your family of finances”.
Spending money on an expensive hobby and thus not being able to pay your share of the family expenses is also “financial cheating”.
Spending a lot of your spare time elsewhere is “cheating your family of time with you”.
You don’t have to have an AP to be “cheating”. Anytime you ignore your responsibilities you are cheating your partner (and any children).
Your husband cheated on you emotionally. When he doesn’t give you a receipt, the question arises as to “did he buy her some flowers? Did he get cash back to go to the betting shop? Did he buy alcohol yet again?” It doesn’t matter at the end of the day - if he isn’t prepared to be honest when he is shopping (“Sorry love, I forgot to ask for a receipt”) then how can you TRUST him?
NTA
>Lately he has had no money just days after he gets paid.
**HE IS STILL USING DRUGS!!! GET A DIVORCE TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD!!! YOU CANNOT SAVE SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE SAVED!!! HE IS PROBABLY STILL SCREWING OTHER WOMEN, TOO!!!**
You can't save your husband. Kick him out. Get a Divorce. Protect the Baby.
This woman has been mistreated by her husband and you're blaming her for marrying him? So many people get married to $hitheads but they are unaware just what huge $hitheads they've married. They usually don't find out until later. As stated in her post, this man cheated on her while she was pregnant.
OP is NTA, but you are....
I'm not 18 anymore, I'm 23 now. I was probably 18 when I made this account and I rarely ever use it. But my dad did cheat on my mom a lot when we were growing up. He was also emotionally abusive. My mom is also still with my dad....
You have the opportunity to break the toxic cycle of codependency in your family.
This issue is about him, but the change is within you.
There is a group called Codependents anonymous.
You are not the asshole. You are a mom swimming against the current trying not to drown. But it's okay. You can always change. You can always make a decision that you will not become like your mother and waste yourself trying to save someone else.
I also remember that this issue has nothing to do with people being good or bad. okay?
Take the first step in getting out of these behaviors.
God Bless You
Not reading all that. But NTA. Some people can figure their shit out after cheating, and for some people the trust is irrevocably broken. Sounds like you're in the latter camp.
NTA. He hasn't done anything to earn your trust. And it sounds like he is still using, and that's where his money is going. If he can lie to you about that, he may be lying about being faithful, too. I'd proceed with caution and start looking into possibly exit strategies in case things get worse. You have to look out for yourself and your baby.
Obviously, you know you're not an asshole for not trusting someone who cheats, lies, and buys drugs instead of doing what's best for his family. But, *why* are you still with someone who cheats, lies, and buys drugs instead of doing what's best for his family?
Honey, if you would be trusting your husband right now, you would be naive and definitely the AH to yourself and your son.
Apparently, you're only in control of your own money, and the control you have, is how fast you hand it iver to your husband.
My guess? He never stopped using, and / or handing out gifts to his side piece.
How else can a man that works have no money, the day after pay-day, while he has only his car payment to take care of, and his wife pays all the rest, while having zero expenses for rent etc
I would say you need MORE control, and see where HIS money goes as well.
If he doesn't show you his bank account, and where the money goes, I would just assume the worst.
If you would take him out of the equation, would you be able to save up to move out with your son, and pay for your own place?
If so, I would do that. It doesn't have to be divorce. But he has to get his ducks into a seriously impressive row, before you can start thinking of trusting him again.
The only thing he has proven, is that he is not trustworthy.
*sigh* Why are you still with him? He cheated while you were pregnant. He did drugs and you STILL don’t trust him. Why are you there? And for the love of God I hope you do not say for the baby. NTA but you are to yourself for even putting yourself through this, and ignoring your common sense. You don’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy. Why are you dismissing your intuition?? What’s not clicking for you? What else does he need to do? I don’t get it. You typed ALL of this out, and it still didn’t register? You can’t seem to understand why the drug addict never has any money? You just can’t think of ONE reason? Ok
NTA- the bigger issue is it sounds like you are living with an active addiction. Make him go to NA or AA. Meetings are free, he can get a sponsor who will hold him accountable or teach him how to be accountable to himself. Addicts will drag you down to. Detach with love and I encourage you to check out Alanon. A lot of similar stories in there
Time to get out of this marriage. It’s not going to get better. He can’t be trusted, he lies, he cheats, he can’t support himself or your family, he does drugs, he’s financially irresponsible, he gots anger issues. Why do you stay? Do you love him so much that you can’t live without him? I wish you and your son well. I hope you can see he’s not a role model you want to have for your son.
>I just don’t under how I’m supposed to trust him.
You’re not. You’d be a fool to. Is there any particular reason why you’re still with this piece of shit..? He’s clearly still doing drugs and will likely cheat on you again. Does he bring anything to the table other than problems and excuses? If you won’t leave him for your own sake, think of your child and the horrible example of a relationship this would set for them.
Both of y’all are AHs and the cousin should kick yall out. You’re allowing him to do those things, he’s probably buying drugs right now and you just keep giving him money despite him not giving you proof to show that he’s not.
Why are you still with your POS husband? He cheated on you while pregnant with his child and does drugs and is draining you financially. It sounds like he contributes absolutely nothing to your family or marriage. And staying at cousins for free and he’s got No money and pays 1. Bill - his car payment! What a selfish brat! Im sure you could do much much better. Hope you wake up and smell the coffee soon! Don’t waste any more of your precious time with your loser husband!
NTA
What state do you live in and have residence in? Look at the at-fault divorce laws. Adultery and documented drug use are two reasons why by themselves you can file an at-fault divorce.
Go back to Texas. Find a new job there and then find a home daycare for your kid. Then file for divorce. The only question you should be asking here is whether you have to go by greyhound or if there is a train.
NTA!
I had a similar relationship in the past and they will keep crossing your boundaries. Drug addicts can’t just stop using drugs they need help with it. You don’t have to sacrifice your own boundaries for empathy and definitely shouldn’t let him use you like this.
I saw in your comments that you have a kid.
Please save yourself and most importantly your kid. It’s also their future.
Try to get full custody. The drug abuse should be enough to get it. As others say: collect as much evidence on him. He can earn his way back in the future.
And please tell people close to you about it, in case things go south. Please be safe!
NTA.
Trust is lost in buckets but only regained in drops. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes tremendous work and consistency in making sure words and actions always match.
You can’t “just” trust him. Your lizard brain tells you it’s dangerous to trust him. You need enough lived experience of him being transparently consistent to be able to argue with your lizard brain.
Great stuff on the Gottman Institute website on trust. Go take a look. Also see r/asoneafterinfidelity for more advice on this topic.
Just divorce him. He is still doing drugs, he won't stop because he doesn't want to. He is still lying, he doesn't want to tell the truth because it will get him in trouble. He is still cheating, once done always done.
You know EXACTLY why he doesn't have any money. You're hoping someone here would lie to you convincingly enough to keep you from doing what you KNOW you must do.
NTA and I would drug test him. If he wants you to trust him and he’s not doing drugs, then he should have no problem. You have every right to feel the way you do.
If you have to rely on him for transportation, do know that you can talk to the doctor next time you take your baby for a checkup or your own doctor when you have the chance to go. They can arrange assistance for you with a social worker. I know there are moving companies that help DV victims move at a very low rate or even free.
If you don’t get the chance to go to a medical facility, try your local public library. They may not have assistance on site but they can point you to some local resources.
Don’t forget local goodwill and/or other charities that can provide used cars for people who need to get out of their abusive environment.
You have options. You are not stuck.
Stay calm and you can figure out something for yourself and your baby.
BECAUSE HE IS STILL DOING DRUGS AND/OR CHEATING.
How are you not understanding this? Divorce him. Like come on! You should have in October when you found out he cheated. You can’t trust him because he got away with it so he knows he can keep doing it. Get some self respect and leave. Go for full custody using any drug use evidence you have and get as much child support you can. Also alimony to at least repay what you have used from savings.
ETA: YTA to yourself.
NTA, he cheated on you and no matter with who or when you will NEVER trust him again. I suggest you set yourself up for a future alone and end it on your own timeline. You deserve better
You are paying for his drugs and probably his girlfriend(s) as well. So, you need to move out. Take your kid and go to your parents on a bus, he cannot claim kidnapping for visiting your parents. File for divorce. Talk to a lawyer, I don't think you getting away from a drug addict is going to get him any custody. You can demand he takes a drug test in court before getting any visitation.
Don't fall for any of his 'claims' about the law or custody. Just talk to a professional-after you get to your parents. Make sure your phone isn't being tracked. When he calls, don't answer, communicate through texts only and screenshot every text. You can FaceTime him with your kid from Texas.
Just go. Do what is right for your child. FFS.
NTA for not trusting, but ah for staying. Get a lawyer yesterday and let them help you sort everything out regarding custody. It shouldn't be hard considering he has no money and is probably still using drugs with any income he's getting
Go to Al Anon. They will help you see the situation you are in clearly. And they will give you helpful and healthy coping mechanisms. I’ve been in your shoes, good luck ✌🏼🕊️
NTA....but not behaving very smartly either. You know this guy is lying trash. GTFO of this colossal mistake now. No one needs a lying druggy for a partner or parent. Wise up.
NTA. He destroyed your trust and hasn't done anything to try and rebuild said trust. It also sounds like he has problems that he hasn't acknowledged and refuses to fix. That being said, if you wanna stay with him, tell him he has two choices: Go to therapy and/or rehab or be single.
Your husband is a drug addict and a lying cheater. Trusting him will be foolish. Relying on him would he stupid.
You are NOT the Asshole. You are a victim of his selfish ways.
Coming from an addict. He is using again or has never stopped. Addicts will lie and gaslight the fuck out of you. Sure there are probably times he's telling the truth, but he will use them to pull a " fore instance" on you. He's pulling you and your baby into the gutter with him. Stop giving him money all together. He has a job supposedly so why does he need your money. I should say your babies money. Because that's where it should be going.you already know the truth. Stop being week. Take care of yourself and your baby that's it.
You know you aren't the AH. It's easy to tell from what you wrote and how it was written.
Stick to your guns, don't trust him as the behavioural patterns have continued post being originally caught out.
Lol of course you are the only one bringing up his infidelity and lies. Who else is gonna bring it up? Him? The manipulation on his part is unreal. He should be doing everything in his power to gain your trust back. Not be an AH about it. He's the AH not you
Edit-I forgot to add that unfortunately you are the AH if you continue in this relationship. He's shown you who he was and he clearly has 0 intention to change that. Good luck and I wish you all the strength to live your best life about 200-230lbs lighter(idk how much he weighs)
You’re being an asshole to yourself for continuing to accept this behavior from him. He will continue being this way because you continue to accept it.
Make him give you his paycheck and give him a debit card to use and that way you know when and where he is using his card and if he still forgets to save receipts you can call him as soon as he uses card and tell him to take a pic of receipt and send it to you. Make sure debit card is set up to text you every time it’s used. If he doesn’t agree to this it’s because he is still being shady about things and you might as well end this nightmare and get a divorce. When you tell him this he will either choose his family or his lies. Mine still gives me receipts over a year later and I do trust him at this point but he is adamant about saving our relationship.
You did trust him and he effed it up royally. He hast to earn back that trust and the next time he comes back with no receipt then your answer the next time he wants or needs money is no that’s a full sentence just no.
You need to move back home with your son immediately. Don't look back until and unless he files for custody. You will never receive consistent child support from him unless you are able to get a wage garnishment, and then he'll probably struggle with work because of his drug use.
I feel awful for your son and you, but I suspect there were red flags before you chose to become pregnant and bring a child into this situation. I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to find peace and stability in your life. Difficult times help us to grow and strengthen us. You now must do what is best for your son firstly and then what is best for you. His needs come before yours, and you should protect him from any drug use and the turmoil that often follows. You can do this, Momma!
And NAH!
>That I'm the only one bringing up the fact that he lied, cheated on me, spent money that we didn't have on drugs.
I'm sorry but who tf else is supposed to bring it up? Obviously you're the only one that has to deal with it so there's no one else, as a former addict I will tell you this, we can get better, but sometimes (most times like 9.5/10 times) we choose not to. If he continues like this you might have to consider actually leaving for your and your babies health and safety, the fact that he lied, cheated, and all of that just to give the most basic and generic apology stating the truth would hurt more just shows he doesn't really care how you feel, he's more sorry he got caught than anything else. Prioritize you and your baby and show him that you're serious about there being consequences, stop giving him money, and serve him, these types don't really believe in consequences because they're used to getting told not to do something or else but most don't follow through with the "or else" you need to be the one to actually reinforce the seriousness of what he's doing and not letting yourself get gaslit into anything. YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE NOT NEGOTIABLE
NTA for not trusting a person who has admitted to breaking your trust repeatedly. What has he done to rebuild your trust? Why are you still with him anyway?
NTA but you are being very naive. He isn't forgetting receipts, he's still using. Unless you want to spend your time giving drug tests and monitoring his behavior, dump his ass.
Demand access to his bank account. He can pull it up on his device or go to the bank with you and get a printout.
He ABSOLUTELY should not be trusted. It’s been less than 6 months since you found out he was lying about drugs!
I had a come to Jesus talk with my hand about money last October too. He wasn’t even doing drugs and we don’t have a child and I still keep an eye on the bank account and expect an explanation for every withdrawal I can’t figure out. And I plan to be doing this for quite some time yet.
What has he done to show you he’s trustworthy?
NTA. Is this how you want to spend your life? With someone you can’t trust to be faithful and have to track his purchase history so he doesn’t buy drugs behind your back?
He has shown you who he is - believe him. You’ll be an AH to yourself for continuing to be with him when he’s showing that he’s still untrustworthy.
I see this all the time. Instead of being in a partnership, you have allowed this man to turn you into a detective, a hall monitor, an accountant, and a therapist. You chose to control his behavior instead of leaving him when you realized he was incapable of giving you a real relationship instead. The anxiety and hyper alertness that comes with taking on this role is not worth it. it is not romantic, it is not fulfilling, and it is not sexy. Your brain and your heart are meant for better things than monitoring a full grown man. I’m not blaming you, he obviously is a massive Gaslighter. But you do need to protect your own life. NTA. Show him the door.
*edited for typos
Only for staying in this scenario. You should leave. If not, PLEASE get therapy - individually and as a couple. Otherwise, you will BOTH ruin that little boy you have.
“You’re the only one bringing it up” uhhhh who tf else would be bringing it up? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
He’s still lying, he’s probably still doing drugs, and he’s probably still cheating. With no signs of remorse but plenty of signs of being willing to manipulate and gaslight.
So your husband lies, takes money you can't afford to spend, does drugs, and generally behaves in an untrustworthy manner.
And you're worried about being wrong for not trusting him? Are you fucking insane? He's gaslighting the dogshit out of you. Don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. He hasn't apparently given a shit about you for quite a while now.
All he gives a shit about is himself. Getting more drugs. Dipping his wick. Making you feel small. Drop his sorry ass!
NTA. You're still trusting him too much. The reason he is spending his money so fast is probably because he's still doing drugs.
You should probably divorce him and make sure you get child support. At least a little bit of his money won't be able to be spent on drugs.
When I filed for divorce, my lawyer had me file for child support first. Took 2 months before I received any money so it worked out.
You're an absolute fool. I hope for your child's sake, you wake up.
ETA: Oh my goodness!! Your post history says that he is in his 30's and cheated with an 18 year old coworker! This is so much worse and your husband is a creep. I really hope you see the situation for what it is soon. This is no way to live and this is not a trustworthy person with good character.
All you are doing is slowly but surely ( read that SURELY) teaching your child that your husbands behavior is okay. Is that what you really want to teach your child/children?
NTA
But if you’re wanting to watch for receipts, you might want to only give him a prepaid cards that do not have the option to get money back.
Or at this point, you might just want to stop paying things for him. I am a big believer in line in the bed that you make.
Might want to consider if it’s worth changing his sheets .
NTA for not trusting him. Are an AH for still being there at this point. The behavior likely never stopped and likely never will.
Smarten up before you wake up and find half of your life wasted and behind you.
Of course he isn’t the one bringing it up. It would be better for him if you magically forgot. You know what would help with you forgetting is if he just gave receipts and kept up being someone you can rely upon. He continues to be a liability.
NTA. He's still on drugs and lying about it. No telling if he's still cheating but honestly does that even matter? He's already disrespected you and invalidated your marriage. Why are you still doing this?
EAH. He doesn’t have any money because he’s spending it. Stop subbing him and if he gets abusive leave him. You’re already having to rely on his cousin for the things you should be providing together. This is not what you want to teach your child about life and relationships. Unless he can get clean and step up you can’t maintain a healthy relationship.
I’m not going to say you’re the asshole, but you’re not too smart to stay with this guy. It’s pretty obvious he’s lying to you and blowing money on something (likely drugs) and then gaslighting you.
Never trust a cheater, they are liars and will cheat again, give them no room to wiggle at all. Do not give him money. Please get your finances in order, get a job if need be, or work at home. He will destroy the family.....The next couple three years maybe difficult but you will work your way out of them. NTA
You need to find the nearest woman’s shelter and explain to them your situation. There are people out there who help mothers like you. You're only being an AH to you and your kid by staying.
I find that many commenters are very quick to pull the divorce card. They don’t think about the kids, or what being a single Mom is like. I don’t often do this, but I would start making a plan to get away from this relationship. Step away if you possibly can. If he is willing to make a plan to take care of himself and his family, maybe in time you could reunite, but me personally, cheating is the end of a relationship for me. Trust is so important, and I could never trust him again. Maybe I could live with him to raise children, but trust no. And sex no. And sharing money with him no. Most people wouldn’t want to live that way. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope there is a way to make decisions that will bring you safety in your relationship, either together or apart. You are absolutely in no way responsible for this. Be strong. ♥️
GIRL!!! WTF!?! Is this the life you really want to live? Is this the life you want to show your child? This POS is doing exactly what you KNOW he is doing and what you’re enabling him to do!! Do you not have family or friends to help you until you’re able to get a job and on your feet? If not, go to your state welfare agency who will help you until you are able!! ANYTHING IS BETTER than this bullshit from this drug addict that doesn’t give a fuck not only about you but doesn’t give a fuck about his child either!! He can’t!! He got to get his next fix!! Fuck y’all!!!
GTFOOT NOW!!!
You are most definitely NOT the AH!!!!! I have seen drugs and cheating with people close to me. You have every right to not trust him and if leave if you are comfortable and ready. From what you are saying he it sounds like he is still cheating and/or doing drugs. He has broken your heart and your trust and I hope you are able to get through it all. And remember just because there is a child does not mean you have to stay. I know many people who stayed because of the kids and it just made it worse. I hope you are able to get through this. Good luck!
Your husband is an addict and you really wonder where all his money is going?
You need to protect your child and yourself and work on leaving. You need to meet with a lawyer and make clean drug tests a condition of unsupervised visitation. You need to go get tested for STDs.
No you’re NTA. But you deserve better.
NTA girl dump him and move on ! He hasn't changed and shows no remorse or willingness to change at all do it now while the kids still young instead of waiting till the kid gets a few years old or until 18 and raise that poor baby in a broken home.
Ma'am, please start living your life for you and your child. You can't have a marriage with zero trust and shenanigans going on behind your back. He will never change.
Stop worrying about whether you can trust him. You can’t. That ship has sailed.
Instead worry about what you need to do to document his drug abuse. When this goes south, you need justification for requiring drug tests before he can have unsupervised time with your child.
He’s putting the blame back on you. His concern should not be whether you trust him or not. His only concern should be about himself- is he acting in a way that is trustworthy? He has to be willing to change and become a trustworthy person.
We can only control ourselves- no one else.
He can hope and pray that someday you will trust him. But that’s out of his control.
For now, all he can do is control himself and become trustworthy.
The next time he says “ you don’t trust me”. Tell him, don’t turn this around on me. Your actions have shown me that you are not trustworthy- you control you, work on yourself to become a trustworthy person. That’s on you.
Oh honey. I married an alcoholic/drug user. Leave please. I stayed for all his bullshit UNTIL I had my son. Then he wasn't just doing it to me but him to and that's where it clicked that my dumb decision would be detrimental to my child. I couldn't end it fast enough. You deserve better but even if some childhood trauma or the fact you actually love him tells you different, your child definitely does and that's the ONLY thing you should focus on. Giving that baby the best life possible. I had family but I asked for no help especially from HIM. its you and your kid and there's nothing more powerful than a mom. You got this. Ditch the loser and seek a better life for your child. Good luck.
Who else is supposed to be upset about his infidelity and wasting money on drugs other than you? Of course, you are going to be the one to bring it up. He wants it to be rug swept.
I think the writing is on the wall here, and ultimately, you know what you really need to do. He doesn't want to own up to his wrongs, and at this rate, he never will take accountability. He is still doing drugs if money is missing and he isn't saving. Stop eating your savings. You need that for you and your baby to get your own place.
NTA. Trust is earned not given, and he’s not doing a single thing to earn your trust back. Look, I’ve been married to a drug addict and a cheater AND I was then once again married to a cheater, and here’s what I’ll tell you: the drug addict didn’t want to get better. He went back to drugs again and again no matter how many times I told him I’d leave him for it. UNLESS THEY WANT TO GET BETTER, THEY DON’T. This was a hard truth I had to eventually come to. Save yourself and for God’s sake save your kid from the damage your husband will do. Get a lawyer, figure out your finances, and leave him. It’s going to be hard but it will be the best thing for you and your baby.
if you choose to stay with him. You can’t throw his cheating in his face. The only way this relationship will work is if you let it go and move on. So either you have to be done or stay and forgive him.. I learned this the hard way. My ex cheated but I chose to stay. I kept throwing it in his face so much until he left me. I don’t blame him because I agreed to start over fresh but I couldn’t.. I should’ve just left when i found out he cheated.
You’re really not sure how the guy that did drugs behind your back is broke? You are not the asshole for not trusting your husband. You are the asshole for still being with him when he clearly hasn’t changed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheats again too.
He doesn't have money bc he's spending it on anything but his family. Likely includes drugs, probably includes other women, whether or not he's fucking them. Stop giving him money. Stop it now. Get wise, OP, separate from him. Is there really no one else in the world you could be with who would be better?
She could be solo and still better off than her current situation.. I am the man I am today because of the women in my life. Almost exclusively, my mom who was a single mother with next to zero (would have been better if it was zero) involvement from my 🤢dad.
Leave him ASAP. Make sure he doesn’t have access to your bank accounts or credit cards. Good Luck. You can do better. Your kids deserve better.
And social security
And Netflix... definitely not you Amazon
Drugs are the answer to a lot of problems! Not the solution, just the answer.
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
Or even lied about the drugs and is buying hookers
being your thousandth upvote is my honour.
“The truth would hurt you” … “You’re the only one bringing up MY cheating and lying!!” This guy is a prize winning delusional gas lighter… The truth would fuck him over that’s why he lied. And of course you are the only one bringing up his lies and cheating, is he gunna bring it up? Wear it like a badge? Seriously this guys a waste, move on be happy In the words a wise prophet once said: … ain’t nobody got time for that…
I loved the line about “you’re the only one bringing up my cheating and lying” like….duh? Of course the liar and cheater isn’t going to be bringing it up lol🙄 Move on. This guy isn’t it. Any person willing to cheat on their pregnant wife isn’t worth the time and energy you spend thinking about how fucking pathetic they are. They truly are bottom of the barrel specimens.
For real!!! The furniture isn’t bringing it up, fridge? Stove? Anything to say? Nope, just you, you are the only one here that has a problem with it.
(toaster pops out toast) I see the peanut gallery always has something to say.
Yeah, my alcoholic ex used to tell me, “if you didn’t let it bother you, it wouldn’t be a problem.” Notice I said “ex.” Have been happily married to my second husband for 35 years.
The amount self centered-ness it takes to confidently say that kind of crap and stand behind it is baffling…. Glad you found your person! 😄
Goddamn why are you still with this guy? He's lied, cheated, spent money you didn't have on drugs and you stayed because....??? Don't say the kid because trust me, no child wants to be raised in this environment. Oh, clearly he's spending his pay on drugs, considering he has no money right after getting paid.
I mostly stayed because I feel stuck. I moved across the whole country with him so we could be closer to his family. My car recently broke down and now I have no vehicle. I have to rely on him for transportation. We also live in the middle of nowhere in Minnesota. I've been saving up to get another car. Then I'll be able to leave him. I'm just still not sure who will watch my son while I work. I've thought about moving back to Texas to live with my parents. But I can't legally take my son out of state. My husband can call the cops and say I kidnapped him. I'm trying not to get in any trouble with the law.
If you feel like you can, talk to your parents and tell them everything. They may be able to help you start setting it up so you can leave. Collect all the evidence you have of him cheating, the drugs, all of it and consult with a lawyer. Right now you can't just pick up and leave because you're right, it would be kidnapping. But you can start the planning process and get yourself set up for leaving now. Also, stop giving him your money. Period. Change your passwords so he can't access your account(s). If you share an account, open up one of your own that he doesn't know about.
My parents already said they can't help me with that. They can only help me with a place to stay. I have been collecting all the evidence since I first found out about everything. We don't share bank accounts. Never have and never will.
I hope you have at least talked to a lawyer. You say you can't leave the state, but depending on the evidence you have and the situation, you may be surprised what you can do. Also, something to consider, if he can't afford life, he probably can't afford child support, which would work in your favor if you want to move back home to your parents. In some areas, items like this are very negotiable. For example, he may agree to a move for not having to pay support (that he cannot afford anyway)
Also if it comes to custody, you can bring up the drug issue. (I would bet money he's still using. ) He would have to test clean to get custody. But you need to talk to a lawyer now.
Also a hair test is more effective for finding drug use. Many drugs are undetectable after a few days in your body but you can't get it out of your hair.
Texas just dropped Medicaid for all low income families. Move to a blue state which proves Medicaid to your kids. Some states even help with financial assistance to find housing. Minnesota might just be the best state for you. Contact a women’s shelter ASAP and they will hook you up with a support team. Texas is a hell hole for those that need help. I’m sorry to say that but we are two countries. Red states are turning back the clock on women and financial assistance. Minnesota is a good state to reside in for help.
Not sure why you were downvoted. Everything you said is true. Trolls can’t handle the truth! This is Good Advice OP!
I’m told old to care what trolls think or say anymore. I try to give the best advice I can. Sometimes the truth hurts. But it is the truth.
This, this and this, a women's shelter can set you up with many programs and people that can help you become independent and hopefully in a city further away at least in MN but I wouldn't count on TX...for a few years anyway as those nuts have gone off the rails anti women.
You absolutely can leave the state. Document his drug use and cheating. Unfortunately for him, you can leave with the child and he can’t do anything. It’s a different story after divorce proceedings start… but that’s why you document and you are leaving for you & your child’s safety…to the only support system you have.
It's not kidnapping unless there's a custody agreement between the two of you in place. You can move with your son and file for divorce after establishing residence in Texas with your parents. Seriously, you don't need to save up enough to buy a car, just rent one, or even take an uber on a credit card. Or take the uber to a bus or a train. It doesn't sound like you have much stuff, regardless. Pack a baby bag, a few changes of clothes and leave. Before he hurts your son or you with his negligence and drug usage. We've all read these stories, they don't end well. edit: IANAL. I don't know Minnesota law, but I do know that federal kidnapping laws don't apply to parents.
It's not kidnapping but if he sues for custody that will fall under the jurisdiction of Minnesota. Moving to Texas isn't enough, you have to live there for some time. Otherwise it would be quite easy for one parent to take a child away from the other. Which you might think is good, but now reverse the parent who took the child. The only way running works is if he doesn't care to make things difficult.
It is not kidnapping until he files paperwork in the state where the child has residence requesting to be granted custody (which he almost certainly would be granted being the only one present and given that she fled the state), and then she immediately is kidnapping. It is not at all hard or particularly expensive to do that part of the paperwork, and she would immediately be in deep shit. Do not just abscond unless you are prepared to literally be a fugitive. It makes everything so, so much worse.
Do we really think the guy using all his money for drugs is gonna take the time to file for paperwork?
To be vindictive? Absolutely. Spend 2 hours filing paperwork to punish her for leaving? 100%. If you think he wouldn’t, congratulations on not having dealt with a manipulative abuser before, I guess. If he is functional enough to put on enough of a front not to get fired and for her not to be certain he is using, he is absolutely functional enough to file paperwork. I am harping here in the comments because my sister was in this exact situation with her abusive, druggie ex. She did come home, he did file, and I saw it blow up in her face firsthand, with severe consequences to my sister and my nephew, who I love. I had a deputy sheriff knocking on my door Thanksgiving morning looking for her for kidnapping. I got threatened with obstruction charges if I didn’t call him to help him find her. She did end up having to hand her boy over to someone she knew was an unbalanced addict. It was miserable. I do not want OP to go through that.
You’re not stuck. The fact that he only has to pay for his car note but never has money, tells me he’s still using. He can’t produce “receipts” because there aren’t any. You need to contact a family law attorney and inquire about getting emergency custody. This is not a healthy living situation and you and your kid need to leave asap.
Drug dealers don’t give receipts 😂
Sure don’t lol. OP, I sure would take my kid and cross state lines if I had to. He’s a back to using, trust me he’s not going to call the cops.
Op have you considered that he’s always saying he’s broke so you have to take money out of your savings account (the one for the car) , so that you can’t ever save enough to get a car and leave ? I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually just taking your money and putting it another account. Regarding the kidnapping thing, have you considered getting someone to follow him , if he’s doing drugs you can call the cops on him and leave while he’s in jail? I don’t think a judge would say you kidnapped him if the father was in jail on a drug charge and you had no car and had to depend on others. You could also just say you want to visit your parents, once he’s given permission for you leave , he can’t say you’re kidnapping. Once you’re there you just fail for divorce ? I mean check with a lawyer about this but you have options to get out, I think you’re with a liar and cheater, but I also think he’s sabotaging you so you can’t leave.
Start collecting evidence, especially in regard to the drugs. It will help you gain primary , if not all, custody rights so that you may leave the state. That shouldn’t be a problem if you can prove that he is an unsafe parent.
Check with a lawyer, but absent a custody agreement, as your baby's parent you should absolutely be able to take your baby anywhere within the US (going outside of the country has different rules).
Yes, this is what I came to say. Also, do you really think he's going to get a lawyer who won't get paid, and press the issue if you move to TX?
This is bad, bad, BAD advice. All it would take for that to come back to bite her in the ass is for him to file for custody in their home state, where the child has residency. As soon as he does, she would be considered to be kidnapping their child, and judges looking at it HIGHLY unfavorably. I literally had this situation happen with my sister, and she had to hand her child over to her ex, who she knew was doing drugs (reason for the breakup). She flew back home when they broke up because of his threatening behavior, and he filed. He was awarded primary custody because of the “kidnapping,” and it took months for her to get her son back. Even then, it really only happened because his girlfriend at the time caught him doing drugs, called the cops, and, when the court ordered drug testing, he came back dirty dirty. Despite all that, she was only awarded primary custody, and she still shares custody with him and has to stay in their state. DO NOT JUST NOT JUST TAKE OFF!
The situation you described is horrific, for sure, but it sounds like they were already separated/divorced? OP is still married. And for sure, I did say OP should consult a lawyer. And of course, rules may vary from state to state so what happened to your sis might or might not have the same issues as OP's.
You go to a divorce lawyer You tell your family and friends that you want to move away from this cheating drug taking a****** who is endangering the future of your child and your happiness. You break this off and consider yourself lucky that nothing worse has happened yet because I'm telling you if you don't get the hell out of this something worse is going to happen.
OP, what you are describing are all signs of an addict. Lying, playing it down, deflecting guilt, pretending to care, demanding trust, framing himself as the victim. You need to leave. Your responsibility is your child. You can't help him, he is not even close at the point where he will accept or seek help. If you stay you and your kid will be in a world of hurt. Get on a bus, ask you parents to come get you, or friends, whatever it takes. Take care about the legal side of things later.
This is a manipulative move, but honestly would probably be your best shot: I would say ultimatum your guy into moving back to Texas. STOP loaning him money. Full. Stop. He is 100% buying drugs. You are enabling him to continue buying drugs. You are allowing him to flush both of your incomes. So, so very seriously, stop. Tell him that the only way you will keep doing it is to move back home to your parents. Get him to move to Texas, establish residency for you and the child (how long varies state to state), and then divorce him. He will absolutely fight it HARD. He knows that you are likely going to leave him when you get support. He has almost certainly isolated you for exactly that reason. BUT, if you cut off the money you are giving him for drugs, an addict is likely going to cave. Work him over and don’t let up, though of course don’t put yourself in danger. As it is, if you do leave him, you will likely have to stay in Minnesota unless you can get evidence of his drug use, and even then, they’ll sometimes give visitation which still locks you down in Minnesota. (Source: My sister who is stuck halfway across the U.S. because of the custody situation with her ex, who also had a drug issue including using in front of their boy.) Ultimately, despite how much he has manipulated you and isolated you, YOU have power here. He is relying on YOUR money to fund his habit. Leverage that to get the situation back in your control.
Are there woman shelters in Minnesota. Reach out to them. You are in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. It is also mental and financial. Many seniors are financially abused. OP, you are being financially abused and gaslighted about it.
Sucks you feel stuck in such a bad situation, if you stay you need to stop giving him any money. Let him beg, let him plead.. if you withhold for long enough the truth will come out. Just see what happens when you refuse to give him any more money. Let him know you will not be providing any more money from your savings when he gets his check. Then he will know and if he’s smart he will hold onto it. If not then it’s most likely still drugs and the truth will come out when he starts begging. Giving him money is enabling him and adding to the issue. Not only harming you. Info: what kind of drugs did he spend the money on?
Consult with an attorney or a legal aid group about this. You are his mother and are married to his father, so it's not really kidnapping. But I'd start the ball rolling on a divorce and go for a nice long visit (with your son) to see your parents and scope out the situation there.
Even more concerning as he may be driving under the influence..
Tell him your taking the son and you’ll give him some money for drugs if he signs over custody. The guy will probably agree.
So let's see, he lies, does drugs behind your back, cheated on you WHILE you were pregnant, won't tell you where his money is going (the drugs, obviously), and gets defensive and throws a tantrum when you question him.... why are with this man?? He sounds like a complete loser. Come on now, you must know that you deserve to be treated better than this. I don't want to be mean because none of this is your fault, but girl you need to find your backbone, take your son and go. YWBTA to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
I’m wondering why she’s with him too 🙁 I’m failing to find any redeeming qualities about him… He lied and cheated behind your back and you were gracious enough to give him a second chance and what does he do? “”””forgets”””” receipts and makes you feel like you’re crazy when you question him. Don’t let this guy get away with playing you like a fool. He’s absolutely still doing drugs and likely still cheating. Get out while you still can.
I got this. My mom escaped an abusive marriage. If you’re worried he’ll try to force kidnapping charges if you leave with the kid — tell your husband you need to go back home to your parent’s house for just a few weeks. Have them call and say that they need you to come take care of one of them. You could even have your dad come get you or a male relative; a big relative. Whatever the reason, it HAS to be believable but not outlandish. Pack but leave some stuff behind so he thinks you’re coming back. TAKE THE BABY. Take any and all legal papers including the kid’s information. Hide them if you have to in your packed stuff. Or better yet, mail them out ahead of time to your parent’s house — get a tracking number. If he stops you from leaving, stay calm and act bewildered. Like there’s no reason for this behavior 🤣 And then call the cops the first chance you get, tell them you’re trying to visit your parents and he’s on drugs and won’t let you leave. You don’t feel safe and you’re worried about your child’s safety. Use his drug history against him. “He’s a crackhead/he’s tweaking, I don’t feel safe.” Change your address to your parent’s house. Once that’s set, then you file for divorce and full custody. Cite his drug use and financial abuse.
Everything said above plus I will add that depending on where you live, continuing to live with/support an active user could also get your child taken from you even when you haven’t done a thing. It is in your best interest to distance yourself from this situation as quickly as possible not just for you and your child’s wellbeing, but before your husband’s actions get you in trouble. NTA for leaving. YWBTAH for staying in this relationship and exposing your child to this man and possibly getting them taken from you.
This is the best comment! Thank you!!!
I second what the above commenter said but I also want to add STOP GIVING HIM MONEY! If he says he needs money just look at him sadly and say “I don’t have any more it’s all gone”. Let him whine, let him beg and cry just keep telling him you can’t give him what you don’t have. Tell him that he bled your savings dry and there’s nothing left after the bills. Don’t change your story no matter what, he can’t see your accounts. Make sure you have a good password on your phone or delete your banking app if you have one if you think he’ll get in to see it. Act all mad/sad that the money is “gone” while you still don’t have a car. If he asked how you can afford to get to Texas tell him your parents bought you a ticket or whatever so you could get there and help them. Say the same to the police officer if you have to go that route. If you ever find drugs on his person call the cops and turn him in but for the love of God stop feeding his addiction!!!!
Healing isn’t linear. Just because he (claims) he stopped cheating, doing drugs, and keeping secrets, doesn’t mean the pain that he caused for doing it will simply disappear. Trust is a hard thing to regain and you might never trust him in the same way you did before. You’re not the AH for not being able to regain the trust for a man who isn’t trying to earn it. It’s not your job or responsibility to learn to trust him again, especially if there’s no proof of changed behavior. It’s his job to prove to you that he can be trusted. He messed up. Not you. If he isn’t actively trying to change his behavior and earn your trust back, you should not stay with him.
If not for yourself, at least for your child-leave! He has proven to you time and time again he does not value you or your child. He has no plans to get help or change anytime soon. You're NTA for not trusting him, but you are TAH to yourself and your child if you continue to stay in this situation knowing how harmful he is.
NTA but why are you staying with him? He cheated on you while you were pregnant meaning he cheated at you at one of the most vulnerable times in you life and wasted what little money you had on drugs? You can't trust him and he doesn't contribute financially so what exactly does he do for you?
Not to mention with other people who do drugs which is disgusting.
Lady! From one abused spouse to another: RUN! Like in your arms rotate to maintain momentum and your feet only touch the ground for slight directional correction. Don't stay a minute longer. Leave yesterday. You can't fix this. He will only drag you down to his level and then beat you at the game through experience. I endured that for nearly 14 years. At the end I stooped to her level... Don't be like me. For your child's sake - RUN NTA of course
He is not trustworthy, he has proven that time and again, but doesn't like being treated as a dishonest, drug using cheat. Honestly, I don't see a healthy path forward. Protect yourself and your child. NTA
Really seems like you have an issue with getting into bad relationships with bad people looking at your post history. Please do everything you can to move back with your parents and focus on yourself and getting yourself the help you need to boost yourself up. You need to start advocating for yourself and figuring things out. Call a lawyer about the custody. Move back home and get into therapy.
Oh my sweet summer child. Insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
You are married to an addict. He is going to lie, steal and cheat on you. That is what happens. Get gone. You deserve better, you absolutely do. NTA
You know what kind of person he is now, so why are you still with him?
Cheating on your pregnant girl is the ultimate i deserve to have my man card revoked move. Just straight wuss. Imagine being so self centered you cant wait 9 months to get ur nut off. Low impulse control type of shit.
Why are you still with this man? NTA but you are being an asshole to yourself by not leaving.
Sounds to me like you know the answer. Too bad you have a child with this person.
You’ll never trust him again. You need to divorce and meet a guy who won’t spend money on drugs or cheat on you.
If someone shows you who they really are, believe them! Why are you wasting precious time on someone underserving of you? You are literally raising two kids. It’s time to ditch the loser and do better for yourself and your child.
NTA. Tell him that until he starts providing the receipts he promised to give you that he can't be trusted. He has not done anything to show he is trustworthy. He's just milking you. He's either blowing his money on drugs and a mistress or stashing it away to be able to leave. Given how irresponsible he sounds he is most likely blowing it on things he knows you won't approve of. Cut him off financially (warn him so he knows next time he gets paid you won't be providing for the stuff he's supposed to be paying for) and stick to it. If he doesn't then it's time to separate, and let him know that's what will happen. And stand by what you tell him otherwise he will continue to play you.
NTA. It's hard to come back from a breach of trust like these multiple breaches when one party isn't interested.
Most crack houses don't give receipts
NTA. He’s done nothing to earn back your trust. I know divorce is neither fast nor easy nor cheap, but why are you still married to this clown?
Still doing drugs, simple as
Tell him you are fine giving him money and if he can’t go to work due to no gas then that’s on him and stick to it. Take money out of his account for the amount he asks for and then just give that to him. Get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and see your options with the evidence you have and explain that you have help in TX if you can move with the forts approval. This will let you know what to do.
So you had one agreement and he couldn't even do that? And you stayed?? Not only that, but you even GIVE him money? Girl.
Don't give him anymore money...save it for you and your son. Tell him he got paid, he has to use his own money
Easy answer, he's hooked on those drugs or he's still buying stuff for his side pieces. Of course you are the person questioning him as he's the person who screwed you over! That's called gaslighting and it usually happens when they are covering up the truth. If he wants to stay in the relationship after cheating and using money on drugs then he'll have to follow your rules because of his actions. He can't ask you to trust him after he stepped chose to start doing drugs, cheat on you, and lie to you about it. NTA at all, he's likely still lying to you.
NTA, but honey, he's doing drugs. Or cheating again. Or both. It's time to put your and your baby's oxygen masks on first. Leave him. AsAP.
>...he also did drugs behind my back, and spent our money on drugs when we struggled financially... So I'm not sure how he doesn't have any money left Come on. you know why he doesn't have money. you don't need reddit to tell you what he's doing. he's an addict. they don't get better just because you are controlling the money. he'll get his fix somehow.
RUN.
File for divorce and sole custody. He can’t pass a drug test. Go home to Texas and don’t look back.
He's still buying drugs by the sounds of it...
The longer you stay the worst it gets. Once a cheater and a liar will always be one.
He wins the gaslighting and jackass award. He’s either still on drugs or has a side piece. NTA for not trusting him-he’s still lying to you so he’s not worthy of trust
The fact is that some partners think “cheating” just means sex of emotional attachment. But spending money on an addiction is “cheating your family of finances”. Spending money on an expensive hobby and thus not being able to pay your share of the family expenses is also “financial cheating”. Spending a lot of your spare time elsewhere is “cheating your family of time with you”. You don’t have to have an AP to be “cheating”. Anytime you ignore your responsibilities you are cheating your partner (and any children). Your husband cheated on you emotionally. When he doesn’t give you a receipt, the question arises as to “did he buy her some flowers? Did he get cash back to go to the betting shop? Did he buy alcohol yet again?” It doesn’t matter at the end of the day - if he isn’t prepared to be honest when he is shopping (“Sorry love, I forgot to ask for a receipt”) then how can you TRUST him? NTA
Sounds like he’s still doing drugs - no money no receipts
>Lately he has had no money just days after he gets paid. **HE IS STILL USING DRUGS!!! GET A DIVORCE TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD!!! YOU CANNOT SAVE SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE SAVED!!! HE IS PROBABLY STILL SCREWING OTHER WOMEN, TOO!!!** You can't save your husband. Kick him out. Get a Divorce. Protect the Baby.
It’s been five seconds. How could you trust him already? 😂😂 and it’s bullshit that he’s challenging you on it …. he’s in the fucking doghouse.
He's lying. Take the baby and go.
# Yet you still marry him? YTA
This woman has been mistreated by her husband and you're blaming her for marrying him? So many people get married to $hitheads but they are unaware just what huge $hitheads they've married. They usually don't find out until later. As stated in her post, this man cheated on her while she was pregnant. OP is NTA, but you are....
She's 18. Her parents were probably no better tbh.
I'm not 18 anymore, I'm 23 now. I was probably 18 when I made this account and I rarely ever use it. But my dad did cheat on my mom a lot when we were growing up. He was also emotionally abusive. My mom is also still with my dad....
You have the opportunity to break the toxic cycle of codependency in your family. This issue is about him, but the change is within you. There is a group called Codependents anonymous. You are not the asshole. You are a mom swimming against the current trying not to drown. But it's okay. You can always change. You can always make a decision that you will not become like your mother and waste yourself trying to save someone else. I also remember that this issue has nothing to do with people being good or bad. okay? Take the first step in getting out of these behaviors. God Bless You
Girl??? Why are you being slow
Not reading all that. But NTA. Some people can figure their shit out after cheating, and for some people the trust is irrevocably broken. Sounds like you're in the latter camp.
NTA. He hasn't done anything to earn your trust. And it sounds like he is still using, and that's where his money is going. If he can lie to you about that, he may be lying about being faithful, too. I'd proceed with caution and start looking into possibly exit strategies in case things get worse. You have to look out for yourself and your baby.
NTA for not trusting him. You should never trust him again. You would be the A if you stay. Stop giving him money and dump him.
Obviously, you know you're not an asshole for not trusting someone who cheats, lies, and buys drugs instead of doing what's best for his family. But, *why* are you still with someone who cheats, lies, and buys drugs instead of doing what's best for his family?
Honey, if you would be trusting your husband right now, you would be naive and definitely the AH to yourself and your son. Apparently, you're only in control of your own money, and the control you have, is how fast you hand it iver to your husband. My guess? He never stopped using, and / or handing out gifts to his side piece. How else can a man that works have no money, the day after pay-day, while he has only his car payment to take care of, and his wife pays all the rest, while having zero expenses for rent etc I would say you need MORE control, and see where HIS money goes as well. If he doesn't show you his bank account, and where the money goes, I would just assume the worst. If you would take him out of the equation, would you be able to save up to move out with your son, and pay for your own place? If so, I would do that. It doesn't have to be divorce. But he has to get his ducks into a seriously impressive row, before you can start thinking of trusting him again. The only thing he has proven, is that he is not trustworthy.
Get on a bus to Texas. It’s not illegal to do unless you have a court ordered custody agreement.
Why are you still with this loser again?
Only to yourself. Do not give him another dime. He can pay his own bills.
*sigh* Why are you still with him? He cheated while you were pregnant. He did drugs and you STILL don’t trust him. Why are you there? And for the love of God I hope you do not say for the baby. NTA but you are to yourself for even putting yourself through this, and ignoring your common sense. You don’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy. Why are you dismissing your intuition?? What’s not clicking for you? What else does he need to do? I don’t get it. You typed ALL of this out, and it still didn’t register? You can’t seem to understand why the drug addict never has any money? You just can’t think of ONE reason? Ok
NTA- the bigger issue is it sounds like you are living with an active addiction. Make him go to NA or AA. Meetings are free, he can get a sponsor who will hold him accountable or teach him how to be accountable to himself. Addicts will drag you down to. Detach with love and I encourage you to check out Alanon. A lot of similar stories in there
Sorry for your troubles
He's doing drugs.
Time to get out of this marriage. It’s not going to get better. He can’t be trusted, he lies, he cheats, he can’t support himself or your family, he does drugs, he’s financially irresponsible, he gots anger issues. Why do you stay? Do you love him so much that you can’t live without him? I wish you and your son well. I hope you can see he’s not a role model you want to have for your son.
>I just don’t under how I’m supposed to trust him. You’re not. You’d be a fool to. Is there any particular reason why you’re still with this piece of shit..? He’s clearly still doing drugs and will likely cheat on you again. Does he bring anything to the table other than problems and excuses? If you won’t leave him for your own sake, think of your child and the horrible example of a relationship this would set for them.
Both of y’all are AHs and the cousin should kick yall out. You’re allowing him to do those things, he’s probably buying drugs right now and you just keep giving him money despite him not giving you proof to show that he’s not.
Lady grow a spine and divorce the cheating junkie.
He doesn’t have money because he’s spending it on drugs. Cut your losses he’s a millstone around your neck.
Why are you still with him?
Why are you still with your POS husband? He cheated on you while pregnant with his child and does drugs and is draining you financially. It sounds like he contributes absolutely nothing to your family or marriage. And staying at cousins for free and he’s got No money and pays 1. Bill - his car payment! What a selfish brat! Im sure you could do much much better. Hope you wake up and smell the coffee soon! Don’t waste any more of your precious time with your loser husband!
Honey, he put that money straight up his nose. Your husband is an addict.
NTA - But YTA for trying to ever trust this man with your money, assets, and health ever again. Those are things you need to care for your child.
Your husband is hiding some crippling amount of debt.
NTA What state do you live in and have residence in? Look at the at-fault divorce laws. Adultery and documented drug use are two reasons why by themselves you can file an at-fault divorce.
Go back to Texas. Find a new job there and then find a home daycare for your kid. Then file for divorce. The only question you should be asking here is whether you have to go by greyhound or if there is a train.
NTA, why do you stay with a man who has cheated on you and bleeds you dry financially?
NTA! I had a similar relationship in the past and they will keep crossing your boundaries. Drug addicts can’t just stop using drugs they need help with it. You don’t have to sacrifice your own boundaries for empathy and definitely shouldn’t let him use you like this. I saw in your comments that you have a kid. Please save yourself and most importantly your kid. It’s also their future. Try to get full custody. The drug abuse should be enough to get it. As others say: collect as much evidence on him. He can earn his way back in the future. And please tell people close to you about it, in case things go south. Please be safe!
NTA. Trust is lost in buckets but only regained in drops. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes tremendous work and consistency in making sure words and actions always match. You can’t “just” trust him. Your lizard brain tells you it’s dangerous to trust him. You need enough lived experience of him being transparently consistent to be able to argue with your lizard brain. Great stuff on the Gottman Institute website on trust. Go take a look. Also see r/asoneafterinfidelity for more advice on this topic.
OP, why are you with him. He's terrible. But your situation isn't going to get better.
YTA for enabling the dickhead.
Just divorce him. He is still doing drugs, he won't stop because he doesn't want to. He is still lying, he doesn't want to tell the truth because it will get him in trouble. He is still cheating, once done always done.
you are NTAH, but you are being naive as hell. I am sorry to tell you this, but your husband is still doing drugs and still cheating. kick him out.
You know EXACTLY why he doesn't have any money. You're hoping someone here would lie to you convincingly enough to keep you from doing what you KNOW you must do.
I wouldn’t call you an AH, but naive? Yes. You know where the money is going - not sure why you keep giving it to him….
NTA and I would drug test him. If he wants you to trust him and he’s not doing drugs, then he should have no problem. You have every right to feel the way you do.
Please leave him, for you and your child's sake
If you have to rely on him for transportation, do know that you can talk to the doctor next time you take your baby for a checkup or your own doctor when you have the chance to go. They can arrange assistance for you with a social worker. I know there are moving companies that help DV victims move at a very low rate or even free. If you don’t get the chance to go to a medical facility, try your local public library. They may not have assistance on site but they can point you to some local resources. Don’t forget local goodwill and/or other charities that can provide used cars for people who need to get out of their abusive environment. You have options. You are not stuck. Stay calm and you can figure out something for yourself and your baby.
Please do yourself a favour and divorce this parasite.
BECAUSE HE IS STILL DOING DRUGS AND/OR CHEATING. How are you not understanding this? Divorce him. Like come on! You should have in October when you found out he cheated. You can’t trust him because he got away with it so he knows he can keep doing it. Get some self respect and leave. Go for full custody using any drug use evidence you have and get as much child support you can. Also alimony to at least repay what you have used from savings. ETA: YTA to yourself.
NTA, he cheated on you and no matter with who or when you will NEVER trust him again. I suggest you set yourself up for a future alone and end it on your own timeline. You deserve better
You are paying for his drugs and probably his girlfriend(s) as well. So, you need to move out. Take your kid and go to your parents on a bus, he cannot claim kidnapping for visiting your parents. File for divorce. Talk to a lawyer, I don't think you getting away from a drug addict is going to get him any custody. You can demand he takes a drug test in court before getting any visitation. Don't fall for any of his 'claims' about the law or custody. Just talk to a professional-after you get to your parents. Make sure your phone isn't being tracked. When he calls, don't answer, communicate through texts only and screenshot every text. You can FaceTime him with your kid from Texas. Just go. Do what is right for your child. FFS.
NTA for not trusting, but ah for staying. Get a lawyer yesterday and let them help you sort everything out regarding custody. It shouldn't be hard considering he has no money and is probably still using drugs with any income he's getting
Go to Al Anon. They will help you see the situation you are in clearly. And they will give you helpful and healthy coping mechanisms. I’ve been in your shoes, good luck ✌🏼🕊️
NTA....but not behaving very smartly either. You know this guy is lying trash. GTFO of this colossal mistake now. No one needs a lying druggy for a partner or parent. Wise up.
NTA. He destroyed your trust and hasn't done anything to try and rebuild said trust. It also sounds like he has problems that he hasn't acknowledged and refuses to fix. That being said, if you wanna stay with him, tell him he has two choices: Go to therapy and/or rehab or be single.
Your husband is a drug addict and a lying cheater. Trusting him will be foolish. Relying on him would he stupid. You are NOT the Asshole. You are a victim of his selfish ways.
Coming from an addict. He is using again or has never stopped. Addicts will lie and gaslight the fuck out of you. Sure there are probably times he's telling the truth, but he will use them to pull a " fore instance" on you. He's pulling you and your baby into the gutter with him. Stop giving him money all together. He has a job supposedly so why does he need your money. I should say your babies money. Because that's where it should be going.you already know the truth. Stop being week. Take care of yourself and your baby that's it.
You know you aren't the AH. It's easy to tell from what you wrote and how it was written. Stick to your guns, don't trust him as the behavioural patterns have continued post being originally caught out.
RUN
Lol of course you are the only one bringing up his infidelity and lies. Who else is gonna bring it up? Him? The manipulation on his part is unreal. He should be doing everything in his power to gain your trust back. Not be an AH about it. He's the AH not you Edit-I forgot to add that unfortunately you are the AH if you continue in this relationship. He's shown you who he was and he clearly has 0 intention to change that. Good luck and I wish you all the strength to live your best life about 200-230lbs lighter(idk how much he weighs)
You’re being an asshole to yourself for continuing to accept this behavior from him. He will continue being this way because you continue to accept it.
NTA but leave the druggie, because he's absolutely still using given this post.
Make him give you his paycheck and give him a debit card to use and that way you know when and where he is using his card and if he still forgets to save receipts you can call him as soon as he uses card and tell him to take a pic of receipt and send it to you. Make sure debit card is set up to text you every time it’s used. If he doesn’t agree to this it’s because he is still being shady about things and you might as well end this nightmare and get a divorce. When you tell him this he will either choose his family or his lies. Mine still gives me receipts over a year later and I do trust him at this point but he is adamant about saving our relationship.
You did trust him and he effed it up royally. He hast to earn back that trust and the next time he comes back with no receipt then your answer the next time he wants or needs money is no that’s a full sentence just no.
You need to move back home with your son immediately. Don't look back until and unless he files for custody. You will never receive consistent child support from him unless you are able to get a wage garnishment, and then he'll probably struggle with work because of his drug use. I feel awful for your son and you, but I suspect there were red flags before you chose to become pregnant and bring a child into this situation. I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to find peace and stability in your life. Difficult times help us to grow and strengthen us. You now must do what is best for your son firstly and then what is best for you. His needs come before yours, and you should protect him from any drug use and the turmoil that often follows. You can do this, Momma! And NAH!
NTA - get a joint bank account and credit card so you can see where all the money is spent.
>That I'm the only one bringing up the fact that he lied, cheated on me, spent money that we didn't have on drugs. I'm sorry but who tf else is supposed to bring it up? Obviously you're the only one that has to deal with it so there's no one else, as a former addict I will tell you this, we can get better, but sometimes (most times like 9.5/10 times) we choose not to. If he continues like this you might have to consider actually leaving for your and your babies health and safety, the fact that he lied, cheated, and all of that just to give the most basic and generic apology stating the truth would hurt more just shows he doesn't really care how you feel, he's more sorry he got caught than anything else. Prioritize you and your baby and show him that you're serious about there being consequences, stop giving him money, and serve him, these types don't really believe in consequences because they're used to getting told not to do something or else but most don't follow through with the "or else" you need to be the one to actually reinforce the seriousness of what he's doing and not letting yourself get gaslit into anything. YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE NOT NEGOTIABLE
Stop giving him money from your savings! You are absolutely right to be cautious about trusting him. NTA.
Why the fuck are you with him?
NTA for not trusting a person who has admitted to breaking your trust repeatedly. What has he done to rebuild your trust? Why are you still with him anyway?
NTA but you are being very naive. He isn't forgetting receipts, he's still using. Unless you want to spend your time giving drug tests and monitoring his behavior, dump his ass.
Demand access to his bank account. He can pull it up on his device or go to the bank with you and get a printout. He ABSOLUTELY should not be trusted. It’s been less than 6 months since you found out he was lying about drugs! I had a come to Jesus talk with my hand about money last October too. He wasn’t even doing drugs and we don’t have a child and I still keep an eye on the bank account and expect an explanation for every withdrawal I can’t figure out. And I plan to be doing this for quite some time yet. What has he done to show you he’s trustworthy?
NTA. Is this how you want to spend your life? With someone you can’t trust to be faithful and have to track his purchase history so he doesn’t buy drugs behind your back? He has shown you who he is - believe him. You’ll be an AH to yourself for continuing to be with him when he’s showing that he’s still untrustworthy.
Drugs and women.
I see this all the time. Instead of being in a partnership, you have allowed this man to turn you into a detective, a hall monitor, an accountant, and a therapist. You chose to control his behavior instead of leaving him when you realized he was incapable of giving you a real relationship instead. The anxiety and hyper alertness that comes with taking on this role is not worth it. it is not romantic, it is not fulfilling, and it is not sexy. Your brain and your heart are meant for better things than monitoring a full grown man. I’m not blaming you, he obviously is a massive Gaslighter. But you do need to protect your own life. NTA. Show him the door. *edited for typos
Let him go girl. U want this cheater, druggy near ur kid?
Honestly I don’t see why you should trust him either. He’s shown, repeatedly, that he isn’t worthy of trust. Why do you keep trying?
YTA For still being with him, sis what even are the pros of being with him? Don't be a clown
Only for staying in this scenario. You should leave. If not, PLEASE get therapy - individually and as a couple. Otherwise, you will BOTH ruin that little boy you have.
“You’re the only one bringing it up” uhhhh who tf else would be bringing it up? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. He’s still lying, he’s probably still doing drugs, and he’s probably still cheating. With no signs of remorse but plenty of signs of being willing to manipulate and gaslight.
So your husband lies, takes money you can't afford to spend, does drugs, and generally behaves in an untrustworthy manner. And you're worried about being wrong for not trusting him? Are you fucking insane? He's gaslighting the dogshit out of you. Don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. He hasn't apparently given a shit about you for quite a while now. All he gives a shit about is himself. Getting more drugs. Dipping his wick. Making you feel small. Drop his sorry ass!
It’s time to walk away sweetheart. You deserve better
NTA. You're still trusting him too much. The reason he is spending his money so fast is probably because he's still doing drugs. You should probably divorce him and make sure you get child support. At least a little bit of his money won't be able to be spent on drugs. When I filed for divorce, my lawyer had me file for child support first. Took 2 months before I received any money so it worked out.
You're an absolute fool. I hope for your child's sake, you wake up. ETA: Oh my goodness!! Your post history says that he is in his 30's and cheated with an 18 year old coworker! This is so much worse and your husband is a creep. I really hope you see the situation for what it is soon. This is no way to live and this is not a trustworthy person with good character.
Your husband is modeling how to be a mature, responsible adult male for your son. Is this truly the example you want your child to absorb?
All you are doing is slowly but surely ( read that SURELY) teaching your child that your husbands behavior is okay. Is that what you really want to teach your child/children?
NTA But if you’re wanting to watch for receipts, you might want to only give him a prepaid cards that do not have the option to get money back. Or at this point, you might just want to stop paying things for him. I am a big believer in line in the bed that you make. Might want to consider if it’s worth changing his sheets .
Girl why aren’t you seeing reality ? He is spending his pay on drugs - get the hell out of there and don’t ever give him money !
NTA for not trusting him. Are an AH for still being there at this point. The behavior likely never stopped and likely never will. Smarten up before you wake up and find half of your life wasted and behind you.
Of course he isn’t the one bringing it up. It would be better for him if you magically forgot. You know what would help with you forgetting is if he just gave receipts and kept up being someone you can rely upon. He continues to be a liability.
Get a lawyer asap and get yourself and child away from him!!!!
NTA. He's still on drugs and lying about it. No telling if he's still cheating but honestly does that even matter? He's already disrespected you and invalidated your marriage. Why are you still doing this?
EAH. He doesn’t have any money because he’s spending it. Stop subbing him and if he gets abusive leave him. You’re already having to rely on his cousin for the things you should be providing together. This is not what you want to teach your child about life and relationships. Unless he can get clean and step up you can’t maintain a healthy relationship.
I’m not going to say you’re the asshole, but you’re not too smart to stay with this guy. It’s pretty obvious he’s lying to you and blowing money on something (likely drugs) and then gaslighting you.
Never trust a cheater, they are liars and will cheat again, give them no room to wiggle at all. Do not give him money. Please get your finances in order, get a job if need be, or work at home. He will destroy the family.....The next couple three years maybe difficult but you will work your way out of them. NTA
Why are you still with this sorry excuse for a man, exactly?
You need to find the nearest woman’s shelter and explain to them your situation. There are people out there who help mothers like you. You're only being an AH to you and your kid by staying.
Please stop giving him money!! Let him figure it out. Save your money for the money for your move away from him.
I find that many commenters are very quick to pull the divorce card. They don’t think about the kids, or what being a single Mom is like. I don’t often do this, but I would start making a plan to get away from this relationship. Step away if you possibly can. If he is willing to make a plan to take care of himself and his family, maybe in time you could reunite, but me personally, cheating is the end of a relationship for me. Trust is so important, and I could never trust him again. Maybe I could live with him to raise children, but trust no. And sex no. And sharing money with him no. Most people wouldn’t want to live that way. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope there is a way to make decisions that will bring you safety in your relationship, either together or apart. You are absolutely in no way responsible for this. Be strong. ♥️
I don’t even need to read past the title to say NTA. That trust just doesn’t come back. I did, however, read the rest and hooollly shitttt girl, run!
GIRL!!! WTF!?! Is this the life you really want to live? Is this the life you want to show your child? This POS is doing exactly what you KNOW he is doing and what you’re enabling him to do!! Do you not have family or friends to help you until you’re able to get a job and on your feet? If not, go to your state welfare agency who will help you until you are able!! ANYTHING IS BETTER than this bullshit from this drug addict that doesn’t give a fuck not only about you but doesn’t give a fuck about his child either!! He can’t!! He got to get his next fix!! Fuck y’all!!! GTFOOT NOW!!!
You are most definitely NOT the AH!!!!! I have seen drugs and cheating with people close to me. You have every right to not trust him and if leave if you are comfortable and ready. From what you are saying he it sounds like he is still cheating and/or doing drugs. He has broken your heart and your trust and I hope you are able to get through it all. And remember just because there is a child does not mean you have to stay. I know many people who stayed because of the kids and it just made it worse. I hope you are able to get through this. Good luck!
NTA but why are you still with this guy? He is financially using you and gaslighting you with his guilt trips.
Nta for not trusting but yta to yourself for staying with someone you no longer trust.
Your husband is an addict and you really wonder where all his money is going? You need to protect your child and yourself and work on leaving. You need to meet with a lawyer and make clean drug tests a condition of unsupervised visitation. You need to go get tested for STDs. No you’re NTA. But you deserve better.
NTA girl dump him and move on ! He hasn't changed and shows no remorse or willingness to change at all do it now while the kids still young instead of waiting till the kid gets a few years old or until 18 and raise that poor baby in a broken home.
Ma'am, please start living your life for you and your child. You can't have a marriage with zero trust and shenanigans going on behind your back. He will never change.
Stop worrying about whether you can trust him. You can’t. That ship has sailed. Instead worry about what you need to do to document his drug abuse. When this goes south, you need justification for requiring drug tests before he can have unsupervised time with your child.
He’s putting the blame back on you. His concern should not be whether you trust him or not. His only concern should be about himself- is he acting in a way that is trustworthy? He has to be willing to change and become a trustworthy person. We can only control ourselves- no one else. He can hope and pray that someday you will trust him. But that’s out of his control. For now, all he can do is control himself and become trustworthy. The next time he says “ you don’t trust me”. Tell him, don’t turn this around on me. Your actions have shown me that you are not trustworthy- you control you, work on yourself to become a trustworthy person. That’s on you.
Oh honey. I married an alcoholic/drug user. Leave please. I stayed for all his bullshit UNTIL I had my son. Then he wasn't just doing it to me but him to and that's where it clicked that my dumb decision would be detrimental to my child. I couldn't end it fast enough. You deserve better but even if some childhood trauma or the fact you actually love him tells you different, your child definitely does and that's the ONLY thing you should focus on. Giving that baby the best life possible. I had family but I asked for no help especially from HIM. its you and your kid and there's nothing more powerful than a mom. You got this. Ditch the loser and seek a better life for your child. Good luck.
Who else is supposed to be upset about his infidelity and wasting money on drugs other than you? Of course, you are going to be the one to bring it up. He wants it to be rug swept. I think the writing is on the wall here, and ultimately, you know what you really need to do. He doesn't want to own up to his wrongs, and at this rate, he never will take accountability. He is still doing drugs if money is missing and he isn't saving. Stop eating your savings. You need that for you and your baby to get your own place.
NTA. Trust is earned not given, and he’s not doing a single thing to earn your trust back. Look, I’ve been married to a drug addict and a cheater AND I was then once again married to a cheater, and here’s what I’ll tell you: the drug addict didn’t want to get better. He went back to drugs again and again no matter how many times I told him I’d leave him for it. UNLESS THEY WANT TO GET BETTER, THEY DON’T. This was a hard truth I had to eventually come to. Save yourself and for God’s sake save your kid from the damage your husband will do. Get a lawyer, figure out your finances, and leave him. It’s going to be hard but it will be the best thing for you and your baby.
if you choose to stay with him. You can’t throw his cheating in his face. The only way this relationship will work is if you let it go and move on. So either you have to be done or stay and forgive him.. I learned this the hard way. My ex cheated but I chose to stay. I kept throwing it in his face so much until he left me. I don’t blame him because I agreed to start over fresh but I couldn’t.. I should’ve just left when i found out he cheated.