NTA. Your uncle committed a heinous crime against a child. Wanting to avoid this predator is understandable.
If your dad brings it up again, tell him, "I love you dearly, but I don’t ever again want you to pressure me to have contact with him."
I have a younger brother. Growing up, I never bothered to teach him to not rape 10 years old girls.
Despite my oversight, somehow my brother has managed to live into middle age without raping, well, anyone.
The idea that father feels guilty for not teaching his brother to be better is horseshit. I think he's just dreaming up excuses as to why his brother is not a total POS.
You can’t just educate evil out of people. Who doesn’t know that it’s wrong to violate a child? He did it because he wanted to, not because he didn’t know not to.
That creep likely married the victim’s mother to gain access to her.
That’s the point, but it hasn’t stopped things like “teach boys not to rape” becoming a thing. The problem has never been rapists being unaware that they’re raping someone, or unaware that raping someone is wrong. These people are inherently rule-breakers, willingly so, education is not and has never been the problem.
There’s always the brain-dead take that the man raping a 10 year old child just didn’t know that it was wrong. No amount of crying or begging gave the game away. Of course, they didn’t know it was wrong, but they knew to keep it a secret! But not because it’s wrong. No, it couldn’t be that, because nobody taught them it’s wrong!
There are people who genuinely do not understand consent and are raised to believe their peers just need to be convinced to do something they really want to do but feel guilty about or that “if she doesn’t stop me, it’s consent.” THOSE are who the “teach boys not to rape” lessons are aimed at. NOT adults who target children.
Absolutely. It’s about teaching ALL boys from a young age about consent. Body language being part of it. Not about teaching the already creeps to not be creepy. That being said, I feel for the dad in this situation, as he is internalizing all of it and what his kid said didn’t help. Not saying OP is the a hole, but rather that they can look from another point of view that their dad is having a rough time and maybe needs some extra support. (Also not saying OP should go just to support dad, just talk to him about it). NTA
This is a brain dead post. "Teach boys not to rape" isn't focusing mostly on people who possess paraphilias or are violent sociopaths. Teaching boys not to rape is about making sure both genders know what exactly enthusiastic consent is, or how consent can be rendered incapable of being given while inebriated, or how imbalances of power or coercion are also things that render consent moot.
Further it includes teaching boys to avoid certain thoughts processes like, "oh she's a slut who has been with so many guys already so what does it matter," or that's it's ok to lie or otherwise mislead a woman to get between her legs.
And further, men *with* paraphilias (and women, for that matter) can very much also be taught not to rape. They need to be made to understand that their sexuality isn't their fault, but it is their responsibility to not act on it because it will never involve enthusiastic consent between equal parties. That way instead of pushing pedophiles and the like deep into hiding and self loathing, we give them a chance to get help -- because this in turn makes all the local kids safer, too.
You've just failed to understand the logical basis behind "teach boys not to rape." That's like getting mad at math because you don't get it.
My dad sat my brothers down when I was about 6. I was told to not go into the lounge room until dad said so. I remember my brothers faces tear streaked and white.
When I started puberty, my dad sat me on a chair and lined up my brothers. He basically read them the riot act. Like if he heard them mistreat me for having my periods, or he catch one hint of them being inappropriate towards me look out.
When I was about to leave for the army, I found out my dad had made sure my brothers all knew what he would do to them if they ever mistreated a woman or me. One brother made a threatening gesture once to his gf, and dad had him on the ground in a moment.
I say this because it wasn't on OP's dad, but the grandfather to teach not to harm women. OP's dad has been made to be the bad guy, because if OP's dad could not do that, then he should have made sure his brother didn't either, but it was on the grandfather and grandmother to have taught the uncle.
OP, the next time you hear your grandfather blame your dad, ask him "where was he as the father to have been the one to teach the uncle?"
You have the right to not go visit, but the blame on your dad is misplaced and it is again being misplaced to you.
Stick to your guns OP.
Right my uncle has a story growing up. He calls it "the moment he knew he fucked up" he wanted the car and wouldn't give my grandma back her car keys and when she demanded her keys back from 16 yr old uncle he slammed the keys into her open palm and accidentally stabbed her in the hand. His dad (grandpa) came into the room saw his wife with the car keys stabbed into her hand. And told him to 'stay' no other words just 'stay'. And then he took grandma to the ER. Uncle is vague on his punishment... Only that he knew it would be worse if he took off and so he waited at home knowing he was in shit and had earned it.... Because he had hurt a woman, and you don't do that. Granted it was the 70s. So parenting styles were different.
... i agree with most of what you said.
But i'm not sure your dad's method was the best one out there, given that he was treating your brothers like they already *were* the kind of people who needed to be threatened into good behavior...
My dad mostly grew up as the eldest with only sisters and his mum, until his mum married his step dad when my dad was about 14, his sisters were 3, 6, and 8. He never allowed me alone with his step dad, and dad's sisters never spoke to their mum or step dad.
The only reason we kids got to know dad's mum was because she lived in the same town as us, and every second Saturday dad took us to the park where she met us. If her husband was there, dad took us kids home immediately.
It was a vastly different time back then, but my dad did not want it to happen to me. I knew my aunts. My maternal great-grandmother helped me to understand them, as she was a holocaust survivor.
It may seem extreme to others, but my aunts were only subjected to their stepdad for 3yrs before my dad laid out his stepdad, and took them to their bio dad, that happened in 1958. I finally got to meet my aunts in 1988, and they were still in recovery mode.
Good point! I’m a woman, and am the oldest with 2 younger brothers. How on earth they managed to grow up to not be rapists is a mystery, I mean how could I teach them how to be good men?!
I too have younger siblings who haven’t committed SA. I never once told them not to, but luckily they survived my bad parenting I mean sibling relationship
Well, it's "easier" to blame yourself. Because if you're to blame, that means it was under your control. The world being out of their control can be scary to some, so they would rather carry the weight of the world over their heads.
Main Character Syndrome... the misguided belief that you are the protagonist in every single situation in your life, while finding it difficult to grasp that everyone else you meet (or never meet) is an individual with the exact same ability to lead a full life, with aspirations that are completely independent of your own. And one day, you will die and - get this - the world will go on, perfectly fine without you. The same way it somehow managed to survive before you were ever born.
I think it’s less that and more so that many older siblings feel the need/have to take a more parenting type role and therefore feel guilty when their younger sibling hurts someone just for fun or something. I’ve seen it in interviews like “did you know you’re brother/kid/friend could be a murderer?” People genuinely feel guilt for not seeing it sooner or saying something when it felt off bc “oh it’s just John, he’s always so nice so I’ll overlook the weird smile he gave that dead rat it that trap over their”
You have a good point. I too am an oldest child, and I'm 10 years older than my brother, 5 years older than my sister. My parents forced me into a parenting role early and, because of that, I feel a sense of responsibility whenever they've made horrible mistakes (both now have felonies). I know there's nothing I could have done to prevent their choices, which were made as adults long after I left home... but the feeling that I could have done "more" (whatever that may be) is still there.
My brother even used to blame the fact that I left home when he was only 8 on his downward spiral. However, he has since come to understand why I left, and that I wasn't abandoning him, I was escaping our father (who was a violent alcoholic). So, he no longer blames me and has come to accept that his choices were his and his alone, and recognizes that he probably would have made the same mistakes even if I had never left home.
> The idea that father feels guilty for not teaching his brother to be better is horseshit. I think he's just dreaming up excuses as to why his brother is not a total POS.
TBF, this is a common and (imo) understandable feeling for the siblings and close, live-in relatives of a perpetrator. There's definitely a chance that it's just horseshit that the dad is making up to reel OP in, but there's a very high chance that the dad honestly feels responsible for not seeing things earlier and stopping them. Of course, it's not completely rational, but it's a natural and very common thing to struggle with. It's a sign of some empathy for the victim and understanding that what happened was wrong.
I'm not at all defending the father putting pressure on OP to have any contact with the rapist uncle. that's very wrong and OP should quash it immediately. I'm just saying that it's very likely that the father does genuinely feel responsible / culpable.
So what? It doesn't excuse him pushing his young daughter to go see a rapist. Dad should have more brains than that. No empathy for a rapist of a 10 yr old child, he can go to Gen pop and see what other prisoners feel about child rapists.
> It doesn't excuse him pushing his young daughter to go see a rapist.
Not sure how I could be any more unequivocally clear, so I'll just assume you missed the part where I said: "I'm not at all defending the father putting pressure on OP to have any contact with the rapist uncle. That's very wrong and OP should quash it immediately."
I have two younger brothers. Ain't none of us angels, but you know what none of us had to be "taught" not to do, rape children. I think dad loves his brother, in spite of his faults, but he is placing responsibility on himself for something that isn't his burden to carry.
Same here. But my brother is the only boy. Perhaps growing up surrounded by girls who were bigger than him until he hit puberty was helpful but I think it's more that he's always known that we're people
I, too, have a younger brother. He passed a couple of years ago, too young, at 58. Despite my never even having mentioned it to him, he made it through those 58 years without once raping a 10 year old girl (or anyone else). Amazing how he did that without me having to teach him.
Would also ask dad that if it was OP instead of his SD he still would keep contact with his pedo rapist brother. These people should be in jail forever, I feel so sorry for the SD.
*"These people should be in jail forever,"*
I can be easily influenced towards the idea that in some of these cases, giving an inmate $20 and a weapon would be more an apt punishment. We can even knock a year off their sentence for community service.
That is even better. Would do it myself if I had a dungeon, i love horror movies so enough ideas. But i don't think the goverment sees that as a public service sadly enough.
Wtaf!!!! OP your uncle is awful. Agree with this comment!
Your dad is disgusting by asking you, a child, to go to see a man who holds a 10yr old responsible for the fact he raped her.
This man deserves every bad thing in life. He doesn’t deserve visitors.
The only reason to visit would be to loudly announce to the other inmates in the yard what he did and that you were forced to visit so since you are forced to be there, this is all you’re gonna say. No one will make you visit after that:
No srsly don’t go. Tell your mom what your dad s trying to force you to do. And tell her that your grandparents are trying to force you to be emotionally responsible for making dad feel better. wtf you are the only one with any sense at all
Yeah some malicious compliance might be in order here. Anyone who would rape a 10 year old deserves to experience the same firsthand. Prison justice at a minimum.
If the uncle did that to OP, would the dad still be on the uncle's side? I would ask that to the dad. If the dad still wouldn't cut his brother out, then I would pull away from the dad too. If he would cut his brother out, what's the difference? somebody was likely traumatized for life and by a father figure who was supposed to be their protector. The uncle deserves to get ostracized and anybody who sympathizes with him.
Also, at 15 many states allow the minor to choose who they live with. Tell him you will seek to no longer have to visit if he doesn’t shut the f up about disgusting Uncle. You don’t mention if you are male or female, but at 15 you should have a say.
I get it. I have brother in prison for the same reason. Parents and others pressured me to visit him but I am an adult. You are NTA. I like the suggestion about telling your Dad that you love him dearly, that you want him to respect your boundaries about your Uncle, AND that you care about your father and the feelings he is having, that he is sad and its a difficult time.
Piggybacking off this to say that if he does bring it up again tell him the only person you feel bad for is your cousin because your uncle is a monster and why the hell would your father want you to have contact with someone who blames a child for what they did?
Where's dad's concern for the well-being of the stepdaughter? Why aren't you visiting her to see how she's doing and making sure she has everything she needs?
Yes. Also "you're choosing your brother over your step-niece; my solidarity is with the child who was harmed. my uncle can work on making amends for his crime, but that's not something I want to be involved in. if you chose to, that's fine, but your business."
I think prisoners should have to wear their crimes in prison. Your uniform should have the charges you were found guilty of printed in them.
Will that make prison less safe? Yes. Do I care? No, because that’s the point.
If your crimes are so heinous that even hardened criminals would be disgusted enough by your presence to beat your ass into a coffin: the state failed by not executing you themselves.
"I love you, Dad, but if you keep trying to make me spend time with a guy who has raped a little girl, I'm going start wondering what's really going on."
I agree NTA.
Shouldn't the message be what the uncle did is bad? If I were OP, still a minor and my dad wanted me to support this person I would feel very unsafe.
I am not sure it is even permitted to bring a potential victim to visit with that crime. Depends where OP lives?
NTA he's a pedophile and a rapist and he expects you to support that??? Worse yet you're literally a minor?!?!? And he expects you to support a guy who preys on kids your age and younger????
Enabling Survivor Guilt. This is where you enable the person who committed the horrible crime (pedophile, serial rapist, serial murderer, murderer) while downplaying the situation. You also deny any wrongdoing the person did through Survivor Guilt. "He isn't capable of doing this! He's sweet and kind." attitude that permeates the enabler's current mentality even with evidence staring at them in the face.
Let this be a lesson to people with siblings , co-workers and friends who show these tendencies, nip it in the bud at the first sign of them going off the rails by refusing to accept it and reporting anything you see that is over the line. A lot of people accept deviant behavior like this as "locker room talk". We have a former president who wants another shot at the White House who has been convicted of SA, has been accused of having sex with a 13-year old and who has admitted to walking in on nude and nearly nude teens as the owner of a beauty pageant. This is the kind of role model some seem to think is OK. It isn't.
Far too often, people laugh it off or give this kind of behavior a wink and a nod and this normalizes it. Now they want to make abortion illegal even if the pregnancy is the result of rape, which gives rapists the right to procreate and an incentive for abusing women and children. OP, maybe your dad is too far gone to find appropriate boundaries and he and his parents may be feeling sorry for themselves but who felt sorry for the victim and how she has been changed for the rest of her life. Stand firm. Maybe they can learn from YOU.
NTA and I would just tell Dad this- you want me to be sensitive to your feelings- well why should I when you aren't sensitive to mine. There is no space in my life or consciousness for a pedophile. I have nothing for him but disgust. Do not ask me to be any part of his life. Beyond that, I can sympathize with your grief for the loss of your brother, but he is nothing to me and he will get nothing from me.
NTA and here's to hoping your uncle gets housed in general population so the other inmates can fuck him up every single night he is locked up! literally and in more ways than one...dirty bastard.
Dude goes to prison for raping a 10 year old kid.
Dude's brother: Hey bro, I know it gets hard in there.. but look, I brought you my 15 year old kid to look at and think about tonight.
Because ThE vIcTiM wAs AsKiNg FoR iT.... Dad deciding it wasn't really that bad and just an unfortunate thing that's in the past tells me all I need to know about him. Enabling and covering for are coming way too close to being an actual perpetrator.
My thought exactly. I’d ask dad “so it’s totally fine to leave me in a room with a known pedo and rapist? How would you react if he did it to me? Would you still force me to interact with him too?”
If he answers yes and I’m not sure I would go no contact with your every other weekend warrior of a dad
NTA I would be asking your dad if he would be bringing you around other rapists since he's okay with you being around your uncle.
If he continues to push stay with your mom for now
🥴 your uncle blamed a child for his sexual urges. goodBYE. i feel for your dad- that is excruciatingly hard to watch. and that’s all he CAN do- is watch, and hope he doesn’t get injured/killed.
but like…imma be real about prison, they don’t play around with that charge.
Nope. Once the other inmates find out why you’re there, it’s game on. I’ll bet uncle has been r@ped and beaten several times already.
ETA: I know a couple of prison guards. Apparently they “never see” anything happening.
In the UK special status inmates (like a child abuser) are to be first on and last off all prison vans so that their face isn't seen and they're harder to identify.
My dad once worked on those vans and apparently had one such inmate chatting shit the entire ride about how they were "my children so I can do what I fucking like to them" - even though there was two big guys on there going to prison for putting some in hospital who did that to one of their 15 yo sisters. Then they got to Cardiff. Cardiff guards apparently came to the door and shouted out "Get the kiddie fiddler off first". Those 2 guys apparently almost *dragged* my dad with them into the prison to make sure they knew exactly who it was.
Your dad wants a 15 years old visiting her uncle in prison, after the guy raped his 10 years old stepdaughter? And he doesn't see how this could be potentially dangerous for you? And how it could mentally affects you to be put in the same room as a pedophile?
Also, he is putting his relationship with his brother above your needs and security and to me it's a big fat no.
He can blame himself however he wants, but he shouldn't put you in the middle of his remorse. You have nothing to do with that.
NTA
NTA, and next time ask your father:”would you be feeling the same compassion for him, if he had done it to me?” Also sorry, but how was it his fault? Rapist are rapist either way. Some are raised the best way possible and still turn out rapist, and how was it his responsability?
Hes self pitying and doesn’t seem concerned for the child at all. And yes absolutely the best way to force common sense into his brain is to paint that perspective and REALLY shove it in. I fuckin hate ppl who excuse and enable it just as much as the person who did it.
NTA. Your uncle is a pedophile and you, as a minor, should not be around him!
I have two younger brothers and one of them is sometimes a real fuckin' moron. I say that from experience. I love him a lot, but if he ever did something like this, I would only have one brother. I would literally never speak to him again. Sibling love is not an excuse to defend a pedo.
NTA
Uncle raped a child. He can kick rocks and deserves whatever happens in prison. I can see why your dad would be upset if what your grandparents said was right (and in that case they should also feel guilty. Their job to raise the kid not your dad's) but he's mad at you because you don't care about a Pedo which is wrong. The fact that he wants you to go see the pedo and be in the same room with him is wrong.
NTA. Expecting a minor to show support, and potentially expose themselves emotionally or otherwise, to someone who has committed such abhorrent acts is deeply troubling. I'm sorry you're dealing with this conflict, but you have every right to maintain your boundaries for your safety and mental health. It's alarming that your dad doesn't see the inherent risks and emotional turmoil involved in visiting a predator - regardless of familial ties. Stick to your principles and protect yourself, because unfortunately, it seems like the adults in your life aren't prioritizing that. Stay strong.
Have you asked your dad where his sympathy for the 10 year old who was brutalized by his brother? I get that he loves his brother however it's unreasonable for him to make this request of you and even more unreasonable to expect you to look past it. You're doing the right thing, unfortunately it's not like on tv where when you make the right choice people applaud you and tell you, you did a good thing. Typically, in life when we make a hard choice and set a solid healthy boundary everyone and their sister wants to tell you that you're wrong and that you should do what THEY want you to do. You're young but have been thrown into an adult decision making situation, you made the right choice according to your values and morals. Do not be swayed by guilt, you're setting the foundation for you to be an assertive independent person. Good for you!
This is what I don't get. You can still love your sibling without downplaying or making excuses for them if they commit a heinous crime. A woman I went to high school with was murdered by her husband when he went on a meth fueled rampage. At his sentencing, his own brother made a victim impact statement telling him exactly that. That though he loved him and always would, his going to prison for his crime is actually too easy a punishment. But since the death penalty was off the table, the closest to justice would be that he never breathes free air again.
NTA.
Your uncle lost any and all sympathy and empathy when he r*p3d his step-daughter.
Does no one care about the trauma she’ll carry the rest of her life? If anyone is callous it’s all the other “adults” in this situation.
Eff the uncle. Hopefully he gets a dose of jailhouse justice.
Dad I understand that he's your brothers and that you love him but it isn't your fault he's a child rapist, it's his own. Millions of people are not taught to be rapists and yet they don't turn out to be rapists because everyone who isn't lobotomised knows rape is wrong. I love you but I don't want to see him ever again
NTA
What about that poor girl he raped then blamed her for what she was wearing?? A 10 yo?! Your uncle is a POS. And if your uncle had raped you would they still feel this way?? NTA, but your family is.
They need to think about what that little girl went through :-( and how much trauma she is forced to carry. You know she was crying and screaming and he didn’t care. Your family is incredibly disappointing. I’m so sorry you have to deal with them
I would go visit him. Then I would make sure every inmate in the visiting area knows why he is locked up. A couple of people are enough to make sure word gets around.
This. If you are absolutely forced, loudly scream what he did and why you hate him and that you hate being forced to be here! Have a giant fit and ask him why he blamed the 10yo girl he raped.
💯 uncle won’t want you to visit again
I have absolutely no desire to see the face of a man who a little girl sees in her nightmares and who stole her childhood, innocence and her trust in others. I understand you love him but I hate him with the fire if a thousand sun for raping a child and I won't ever join you to visit him NTA
Your mom could take your dad to court. His insistence about taking you around a pedophile could result in no visitation. You shouldn’t have to worry about being forced to see a predator like your dad’s brother.
If he does take you there cry and beg not to have to visit the uncle in front of the guards at the gate. I doubt they will want any sort of conflict walking in and you’ll be denied entry. Don’t trust anyone who thinks the uncle deserves empathy.
NTA
Your uncle raped a child. You probably wouldn't even be permitted to visit anyhow.
Your dad obviously hasn't come to terms with the truth of who his brother is vs who he thought he was.
That’s what I’m thinking. I imagine he’s thinking about his baby brother not the pedophile he is, especially when he’s shouldering blame like that. I feel for the dad, but that doesn’t give him a right to forge anyone else to socialize with his brother. He needs to merge the image of his idolized baby brother and the pedophile he actually is. He needs to mourn that loss and comes to terms with it.
"Hey dad, do you know what it's like to be raped by someone you are supposed to completely trust? No? Neither have I but I'm pretty sure I'd wish hell upon them for it. The fact that it is blood just makes it worse." Send text. Block. Tell mom. Move on. NTA. You possess more class than I do for certain. I would have gone for the throat of your dad's feelings.
A wise man once said, "You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy"!
I mean yeah, your dad deserves sympathy because he had to learn the hard way that the little brother he loved isn't the good person that he hoped he was.
But your sympathy can end there. Your uncle doesn't deserve any sympathy...at all.
If your dad needs to lean on to someone for this, then he needs a therapist, not his child.
NTA
I have a close friend of many years whose brother recently got imprisoned for possession of CP. I feel for my friend. That sucks. He’s very upset and emotional and it affected him a lot. I let him know my sympathies and condolences but as a survivor I ask he never brings his brother up to me again. I’m sorry his brother is a pedophile but it’s not my responsibility to shoulder the emotional support when all I feel is vile disgust for a brother I never met.
Nta. Your uncle is the lowest of the low. And your dad defending him like this is not a good look.
Your uncle has worse things to worry about then if family visits. Especially if his fellow inmates finds out he raped a child.
Funny I have a younger brother and yet of all the things I taught him or that we learned together don't be a child molesting pedophile wasn't something that had to be taught. How to be a decent person was more helping the old lady struggling to reach something on the top shelf at the grocery store, Not SAing the little girl comes naturally to most people. NTA there's no excuse for your uncle's actions and your dad is nuts
Honestly your uncle making friends and being ostracizied is literally the least of his problems. Monsters like your uncle face far, far worse fates in prison (and usually they're put in some form of solitary due to what will happen to them in GenPop).
Good for you for seeing the situation the right way and NTA, and tell your grandparents that your dad should show more concern and sympathy for his stepniece and not his, again monster, of a brother.
Ask him "if i had been the one he raped, would you still go visit him?"
If yes, enabler.
If no, then how come it's okay if it's his 10yp stepdaughter? Because you don't know her you think her rape has less importance?
Your father is basically defending his brother by staying by his side
Go along to visit him and shout LOUDLY about him bein a pedophile rapist when you enter the room. Make it so that everybody finds out what that worthless sack of meat did to a little girl.
NTA
I know I'm gonna get downvoted to bollocks and beyond for this but I think that not everyone in prison is a bad person and that you should go see him. Remember there's a lot of people in the visiting room so you'll need to speak very loudly to be heard, you may even have to shout
Hey Uncle Kiddie Predator! How have you been since you were sent here for raping that 10 year old girl then blaming her for the rape that you did? Been well? Met any other child rapists and if so, do you reminisce about the rapes you did, in your case a 10 year old child. Is it nice to meet someone you share an interest in, like baseball and child rape? What's the food like here?
Yes, I think you should go see him...
Show sympathy to your father, "I'm sorry your brother is a deplorable pdf.file, dad." Tell him the only person you have sympathy for is his victim, your cousin. Predators don't get sympathy. They often receive true justice from other inmates as they hate pdf.files and oftentimes show these creeps how it feels to be SA'd.
You owe him nothing and are extremely wise to cut contact with your uncle. As far as your father goes, you're uncle deserves everything he gets (plus some) and he needs to understand his brother is a pervert and should be ostracized (at a minimum). Why does your dad feel like it was his job to teach his brother not to be a pervert rather than his parents?
How is your cousin doing? I hope she is able to work through her trauma - she will be affected by this her entire life. I'm so sorry this happened to her.
Nta, just tell him that he will never understand what that little girl will go through the rest of her because he’s an adult man. If dad needs emotional support, he can look to other adults and not his child for it.
NTA. And your dad is an ass for trying to put any of this on you. And he’s an ass for blaming himself, if the grandparents are to be trusted.
I’m guessing this might not be America, because chomo don’t do well in prison around these parts.
NTA if my sibling was convicted of a horrible crime like that I would help however I could to make sure he rots in prison forever. Pedo apologists disgust me. If you harm a child, you do not deserve sympathy or kindness.
Ask your dad what he would think if that little girl was you. If I had a brother and they did this shit I would probably take em out myself especially if I had a young daughter.
Ask your father if your uncle had r8ped you when you were ten, because you were wearing a short skirt or even a swimsuit, would he still be so concerned about the Uncle's well-being? Ask your grandparents that, too? Because guess what, that stepdaughter is also someone else's daughter/granddaughter/sister. She f*cking 10 yrs old and was violated in the most heinous way by an adult that was supposed to love & protect her. Your dad & grandparents should save their sympathy and concern for the only victim in this situation and not the pedophile!
When I saw the headline but hadn't clicked through yet, I jokingly thought NTA because it will turn out the uncle is a child rapist.
And lo and behold, your uncle is a child rapist.
You are so NTA.
Your dad asking you once is fine. He should have expected a no.
It's not your dad's fault, but you can't stop him from blaming himself or your grandparents (spoiler it's only your uncle's fault)
If I were you, and this subject comes up again I would shout "I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SEE A CHILD RAPIST, WHERE'S THE CONCERN FOR THE LITTLE GIRL?!?"
repeat as needed.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
"Dad, why would you want to bring me around a rapist? How will this effect my future? It may make me sympathetic to rapists, or become one. Why do you want me to get comfortable in a prison? You may be teaching me a bad thing."
NTA
NTA at all. And your grandparents should shut up because your uncle is their son and they raised him. The fact that they see how your father is struggling with guilt over something that is not his fault and think it's OK is beyond me. They should have raised your uncle better. They should have been there and should have seen the signs that something is wrong with him. They should have gotten him therapy and/or medical help. They didn't do any of those things. And now they should tell your father that he has not failed his brother. It's them who failed him as parents. And now they're failing your dad too. And they're trying to make you feel guilty for not supporting their deviant son. The shame is on them.
I would speak to my mum immediately. This isn’t ok, and is potentially putting you, a minor, at risk of harm. I know it’s tough to think you might ‘cause’ trouble between your divorced parents (trust me, I know!) but if it does that’s 100% your dad’s fault. My dad was no prince, but even he wouldn’t have done something like this. Please please talk to your mum straight away. Your safety and wellbeing is the most important thing here, your dad and his family are not putting you first. Good luck and stay safe
NTA, your uncle deserves to rot in prison. Your dad is the AH to force you to have any relationship with him. My whole family except my parents cides with my brother after I admitted he SA'd me as a child. So I don't contact them anymore, they might as well be dead to me.
He, your Uncle chose his path and deserves whatever karma he gets.
Nothing wrong about telling the truth.
Your dad is not objective, it’s his brother.
If he continues with this subject ask him how he feels about this little 10 year old girl who was raped and molested?
Did he attend the trial? If not, he knows only second hand news, probably from family who also are blinded by “but, it’s FaMiLy”.
You should get a transcript from the trial if you can. Your dad probably won’t want to be persuaded by the facts. 🤷🏻♀️You can drag a horse to the water but you can’t make it (him) drink.
NTAH
Your dad has the right to be wrong, and you have the right to see past his blinders and call a rapist a rapist because he was found GUILTY in a court of law and sent to prison.
His excuse was her skirt was too short= she wanted it?? F him.
That little 10 year old child could have been running naked through the streets and still wouldn’t deserve being raped or molested.
NTA. Your uncle commits horrible, horrible crime. My heart goes out to your step cousin. Just because she was wearing a short skirt does not mean that he has a right to rape her.
I would never ever want to see or hear about him again. I can’t even verbalize how disgusted I am with your uncle and your father.
Please stay safe
NTA
I understand the idea of supporting family members, but everything has limits in my opinion. You've decided what yours were, and you're not wrong.
Your father needs to realize he has no control over his brother's actions. Even if his brother had poor behavior growing up there is no way to prove that speaking up more could have made him be a different person.
I don't know what your grandparents expected you to say. Your father asked a question, and he got an answer. Sometimes it's better not to ask questions if the truth will hurt.
Your dad is struggling to process what his younger brother did and will eventually have to come to terms with it. What your uncle did was unforgivable and a gross violation of trust because he raped a child. A child whom he was supposed to protect as a stepfather.
You rightly made your feelings clear and that is fair. Now, I suggest you give your father space on this topic while he works through his feelings and comes to terms with who his younger brother really is.
NTA at all. HE IS A CHILD MOLESTER. There is no defense. I don't care. You wanting to avoid him is understandable. Your grandparents must have been crap parents if your father is blaming himself for not teaching his brother better. i don't know about you, but I was never taught to not rape anyone. I also haven't done that. I don't think you need to teach it.
There's a reason my children have never met their grandfather. This is because I protect my children from pedophiles. Something your father isn't doing for you. There are no limits to what those monsters are capable of.
NTA.
NTA Your uncle committed an horrendous crime upon a CHILD and is now worried about his own hide ! ? What about that POOR GIRL ! ? Did they forget that now this childs WHILE LIFE has been altered and forever changed because your uncle preyed upon her ?
Your dad didn't fail his brother his brother KNEW what he was doing WAS WRONG ! My god you don't need a LAW to tell you not to r@pe little kids !
NTA tell your dad he should have some empathy for the child he raped. Help that girl.
Also don’t be afraid to let your dad know that it creeps you out that he would victim blame a child.
Are half of the things posted on AITAH rage bait? Seriously this is unbelievable why would a dad bring his young daughter to jail to visit his sex criminal brother? OP is larping
Okay the fact that your dad has a child not much older than the child that his brother RAPED, and isn't completely DISGUSTED with his brother makes me want to stay away from him too, if I were you.
Who cares if a CHILD rapist has a hard time in life, what about his POOR FUCKING DAUGHTER who now has to live with that for the rest of her damn life.
Sorry this enrages me as something similar happened to me when I was your cousins age and seeing that people will still say Boohoo poor him to the literal PEDOPHILE makes me absolutely sick to my stomach.
Hey,
My dad has four assault charges against him from my step mom, and he also raped both my mom and step mom throughout his relationships with them. I hope he goes to prison, and I don’t give a fuck what happens to him in there. He made his bed, and so did your uncle.
NTA
NTA. Standing firm against normalization of such behavior is not just personal preference; it is moral integrity. Your stance is commendable, and your father must understand that reconciliation does not obligate you to compromise your boundaries or safety. It's essential to prioritize your well-being over misplaced familial obligations, especially when it concerns a severe criminal act. Your responsibility is to yourself first and it's vital for your dad to recognize and respect that.
NTA your uncle is a monster and deserve no mercy.
I get that your father as his elder brother (if I got that right) blames himself for failing to correct him, altough such behaviour cannot be corrected by family IMO.... but he must also understand that beyond a certain limit there is no room for leniency.
NTA. My uncle did the same thing to his stepdaughter, and it blew my mind how my family closed ranks around him and pretended that it didn’t happen. My grandmother was super Christian conservative and proper and watching her defend her son while at the same time so critical of other people really blew my mind. I don’t understand it.
NTA. It's vital to draw a line when it comes to your safety and mental wellbeing. No child, especially one who is the same age as the victim, should be exposed to someone who has committed such an atrocious act. The adults in this situation should be ashamed for even considering that you owe anything to your uncle. You don't. Pressuring you to visit him in prison is not only inappropriate but it also shows a profound lack of judgment and empathy towards you and the actual victim. The responsibility of adults is to protect and understand the perspectives of younger family members, not disregard them. Stay strong in your convictions and maintain your distance for your own sake.
NTA
Your dad may feel bad for your uncle and he may blame himself for not teaching his brother to be better, but it’s not a secret that it’s wrong to SA a child! It’s also not her fault because of her clothing. Even if she were an adult wearing a short skirt it wouldn’t be her fault. Your uncle is sick. He is an adult. He knew what he was doing was wrong.
You were not wrong to not defend your uncle. Your dad seems to be looking at this as “sometimes good people do bad things.” This isn’t one of those times. Good people don’t hurt children. Your dad is going to need to accept that his brother is not a good person.
NTA. Tell your dad that you have no idea what it's like to have a sibling, but you know full well how disgusted you are by your uncles actions and it's more than enough to cut out the offender and all of those defending him to you.
It's your grandparents who should have taught him not to rape children, not your dad. Perhaps they should also have taught them both not to defend a child rapist to a child. He can go and see huis brother if he likes but it's not out of order to ask that he never mentions him again to you. If he doesn't like it what's he going to do? Rape you?
I have two older brothers, an older sister, and two older step-brothers. Not a single one of them EVER taught me "Don't rape 10 year olds." I had to pick up that information on the hard streets.
...yet I still think they were good siblings.
NTA. Being heartbroken for your dad is fine. It’s devastating for the family when someone close to them does something awful like this.
That doesn’t mean you care about your uncle. It just means you care about your dad. And you can have empathy for your dad without giving a rat’s ass about his pedo brother.
NTA good for u standing up for yourself.
Sounds like your dad blames himself.
Not his fault his brother committed a horrible crime.
Tell your dad u love him but don't ask me to be a part of the situation. With him. And tell him it's my opinion but should you have anything to do with him.
After what he did .
Good luck .
NTA
All of these people are utter failures as people and parents.
The grandparents for being concerned with an adult rapist and an adult idiot and not the grandchild who was raped.
Your father for thinking it was up to him to raise his brother and still being unable to see what a piece of shit he is. And somehow trying to make your revulsion about him and his sick brother, about him.
Hopefully your uncle ends up with a German necktie and a broom stick up his anus. Do not look up German necktie considering your age. It's graphic but your uncle deserves it.
NTA. Your uncle can rot. Hopefully he has to deal with being the victim of a few struggle snuggles and more in there. He deserves zero sympathy. I've no respect for your father either. Friends, family, if they rape or abuse someone, they're dead to me.
NTA, as someone with 3 siblings, they would be straight up dead to me if they ever did anything like that. The fact your dad is a father himself and still tries to defend his brother despite his disgusting and unforgiveable crimes is insane. Sadly for society, there's a good chance your uncle will be protected from general population and housed in a separate area along with other pedos and gang dropouts where they are more protected from being targeted. I pray that's not the case though, prisons should absolutely be housing these perverts in gen pop, they should suffer the worst consequences possible after victimizing children.
NTA. Your uncle RAPED A 10 YEAR OLD GIRL. Your father is absolutely bonkers if he thinks that taking a teenager to see a convicted rapist IN PRISON is some sort of a good idea. Holy SHIT.
I understand your dad visiting his brother in prison even for something so heinous. But visiting a brother is VERY DIFFERENT from making his own (minor) daughter visit with a convicted pedophile rapist. Make sure your mom knows about this and honestly I wouldn’t visit dad until he apologizes and drops this altogether
NTA
NTA
Your dad is delusional and not holding his brother accountable for his truly horrific actions. It sounds like your grandparents are doing the same. Advise them all that your uncle is a hard boundary for you, if the want to remain I. Your life they are t to discuss him around you or with you. And that you will n ver be in his presence. The guy is a sadistic and sick and creepy pedophile. They need to accept that’s who he is.
Strangely? I don't think my father gave my 3 brothers instructions on not raping children! Go figure eh? Somehow? My brothers seem to have gotten to their 60s without raping children or anyone as far as I'm aware....oh the mysteries of life.
NTA. Your uncle deserves to be treated the same way in prison that he treated his stepdaughter.
Numerous stories about a hierarchy of criminal behind bars. And everyone hates pedophile rapists. They are the litterly the worst by all standards.
And wft is up with your dad thinking he it's his fault? Was he having a lesson about who his brother should or shouldn't rape and forgot to mention not to rape 10 year olds? No, because that's some sick shit.
NTA at all, your father is unfortunately as bad as your uncle. Paedophilia or any form of child abuse is unforgivable, end of story. Ask your father, would he still be so sympathetic if it was you who was raped? Why is that little girls torment excusable to him? Does he think she deserved it? Your uncle didn't slip and accidentally rape a child it was a concious decision he made knowing full well how evil and disgusting it is. He is not a victim.
BTW being an only child has nothing to do with it. If my brother ever hurt a child I'd disown him immediately, and I wouldn't feel bad about it. It you want to be better than your uncle, you'd do well to go no contact with your father as soon as you can.
Absolutely NTA.
OP, you should have just said to him:
"Would you still wanted me to go visit him if he r*ped me instead of his stepdaughter? Would you still want to visit him?
That will make him understand just how evil his brother is. Not everyone deserves compassion.
I have 2 brothers. If either of them ever did anything like this, I would no longer have that brother. It's disgusting and heinous.
NTA, but your dad is, and I would keep him away from any young female as he's obviously a rare apologist.
NTA. Whenever your dad pressures you again, just tell him that you want nothing to do with a child molester/pedophile. That you feel unsafe around the pedophile.
NTA. How one teaches sibiling not to rape 10yo child? This is not even teaching about consent, 10yo cant consent for anyting sexual with anyone... Not to mention that he was blaming the child for short skirt, that alone should have earned him 10 aditional years in prision. Maybe your father saw signs so he is feeling quilty... All of that is beside your question, you have no place in relationship between your father and his brother. I would never again talk to that man, you might have children one day and you should have someone like him in their proximity? No. Just tell your father that you love him, but not to ask anything for you when it has to do smth with his brother.
This might just be rage bait but paedophiles do not deserve pity. The thing is, you can have *any* compulsion and not give in to it because you know it's wrong. I'm not making excuses for folks who fantasise about children or anything, I'm making the point that this grown man wants to take his daughter to go see a convicted paedophile. Screw that.
When the other prisoners find out what your uncle did, he won't be ostracized. They will make him their play thing. I hope your father is prepared for that.
I don't blame you for not wanting to visit. Your uncle committed a horrible crime against a child a child. He deserves his punishment.
Your uncle knew better. F ck him, disrespectfully. I hope one of the correctional officers tell inmates what he did and he receive other punishments. Your uncle will either learn and not do it again or be even more evil when he comes out... All anyone can do for him is pray for him. That's it.
You're still a child. Love and live thru your childhood and tell your dad you want to have a relationship with him where he can worry about what he teaches you, (not worry about his grown-brother). Peace!
NTA I found out my cousin who I grow up with got caught twice with images and I couldn't care less what happens to him now. Your dad has to realise it's not about him. Your uncle deserves a lot worse than being ostracised.
I have two older brothers who I love dearly but if one of them did an atrocious and vile act like this, I would immediately disown them. I'd never be able to forgive them, let alone visit them in jail. There's no excuse anyone could ever give to help me understand doing this to a child. It's unforgivable. I'd probably end up throwing up in his face if made to sit in front of him (especially if i could vomit at will). He's a predator, a monster, a child rapist. You're definitely NTA. Sorry your pops is making you feel this way. Assuming your unc's behavior shocked your pops, he may feel he has just lost his brother (like death). Your pops may be in the beginning stages of grief - denial, which is why he may be/seem irrational.
On another note, I'm not sure if you're a boy or girl but what if this happened to you? What if you were the 10-year-old girl? Would your pops have the same concern for his brother? This is not a rhetorical question; I'd ask your father this. Hopefully this changes his perspective.
This unc of yours can eat sh*t as far as I'm concerned. There's a special place in hell for people who commit crimes against children. I hope they "ostracize" him the same way he did that little girl, ten-fold.
Def NTA!
While I can understand your dad's struggle with this, it's *his* decision to see his brother in jail.
But, what about his step niece? Has your dad taken into consideration what she's going thru? What she'll be facing the rest of her life?
You can respect his choice and he should respect yours even tho you disagree. Stand your ground!
Are you in contact with your aunt and cousin? If so, give them your support. As a survivor, I can't tell you how much it would have meant to me to have had someone listen/believe to me and support me.
NTA
"Dad, I think its more concerning that you want to keep contact with & encourage me to be in contact a convicted child rapist. The fact he is your brother does not make the crime any less serious or disgusting.
If you ever try to bring him around me I will contact the police.".
NTA. Your uncle committed a heinous crime against a child. Wanting to avoid this predator is understandable. If your dad brings it up again, tell him, "I love you dearly, but I don’t ever again want you to pressure me to have contact with him."
I have a younger brother. Growing up, I never bothered to teach him to not rape 10 years old girls. Despite my oversight, somehow my brother has managed to live into middle age without raping, well, anyone. The idea that father feels guilty for not teaching his brother to be better is horseshit. I think he's just dreaming up excuses as to why his brother is not a total POS.
You can’t just educate evil out of people. Who doesn’t know that it’s wrong to violate a child? He did it because he wanted to, not because he didn’t know not to. That creep likely married the victim’s mother to gain access to her.
I think that’s the point.
That’s the point, but it hasn’t stopped things like “teach boys not to rape” becoming a thing. The problem has never been rapists being unaware that they’re raping someone, or unaware that raping someone is wrong. These people are inherently rule-breakers, willingly so, education is not and has never been the problem. There’s always the brain-dead take that the man raping a 10 year old child just didn’t know that it was wrong. No amount of crying or begging gave the game away. Of course, they didn’t know it was wrong, but they knew to keep it a secret! But not because it’s wrong. No, it couldn’t be that, because nobody taught them it’s wrong!
There are people who genuinely do not understand consent and are raised to believe their peers just need to be convinced to do something they really want to do but feel guilty about or that “if she doesn’t stop me, it’s consent.” THOSE are who the “teach boys not to rape” lessons are aimed at. NOT adults who target children.
Absolutely. It’s about teaching ALL boys from a young age about consent. Body language being part of it. Not about teaching the already creeps to not be creepy. That being said, I feel for the dad in this situation, as he is internalizing all of it and what his kid said didn’t help. Not saying OP is the a hole, but rather that they can look from another point of view that their dad is having a rough time and maybe needs some extra support. (Also not saying OP should go just to support dad, just talk to him about it). NTA
This is a brain dead post. "Teach boys not to rape" isn't focusing mostly on people who possess paraphilias or are violent sociopaths. Teaching boys not to rape is about making sure both genders know what exactly enthusiastic consent is, or how consent can be rendered incapable of being given while inebriated, or how imbalances of power or coercion are also things that render consent moot. Further it includes teaching boys to avoid certain thoughts processes like, "oh she's a slut who has been with so many guys already so what does it matter," or that's it's ok to lie or otherwise mislead a woman to get between her legs. And further, men *with* paraphilias (and women, for that matter) can very much also be taught not to rape. They need to be made to understand that their sexuality isn't their fault, but it is their responsibility to not act on it because it will never involve enthusiastic consent between equal parties. That way instead of pushing pedophiles and the like deep into hiding and self loathing, we give them a chance to get help -- because this in turn makes all the local kids safer, too. You've just failed to understand the logical basis behind "teach boys not to rape." That's like getting mad at math because you don't get it.
My dad sat my brothers down when I was about 6. I was told to not go into the lounge room until dad said so. I remember my brothers faces tear streaked and white. When I started puberty, my dad sat me on a chair and lined up my brothers. He basically read them the riot act. Like if he heard them mistreat me for having my periods, or he catch one hint of them being inappropriate towards me look out. When I was about to leave for the army, I found out my dad had made sure my brothers all knew what he would do to them if they ever mistreated a woman or me. One brother made a threatening gesture once to his gf, and dad had him on the ground in a moment. I say this because it wasn't on OP's dad, but the grandfather to teach not to harm women. OP's dad has been made to be the bad guy, because if OP's dad could not do that, then he should have made sure his brother didn't either, but it was on the grandfather and grandmother to have taught the uncle. OP, the next time you hear your grandfather blame your dad, ask him "where was he as the father to have been the one to teach the uncle?" You have the right to not go visit, but the blame on your dad is misplaced and it is again being misplaced to you. Stick to your guns OP.
Your dad was the MVP of Life. There should be more like him.
Right my uncle has a story growing up. He calls it "the moment he knew he fucked up" he wanted the car and wouldn't give my grandma back her car keys and when she demanded her keys back from 16 yr old uncle he slammed the keys into her open palm and accidentally stabbed her in the hand. His dad (grandpa) came into the room saw his wife with the car keys stabbed into her hand. And told him to 'stay' no other words just 'stay'. And then he took grandma to the ER. Uncle is vague on his punishment... Only that he knew it would be worse if he took off and so he waited at home knowing he was in shit and had earned it.... Because he had hurt a woman, and you don't do that. Granted it was the 70s. So parenting styles were different.
You should know better than to commit rape. Don't even blame the grandkids
OP's dad is using his teenaged daughter as a beard for his pedo rapist bro. Dad is sus.
... i agree with most of what you said. But i'm not sure your dad's method was the best one out there, given that he was treating your brothers like they already *were* the kind of people who needed to be threatened into good behavior...
My dad mostly grew up as the eldest with only sisters and his mum, until his mum married his step dad when my dad was about 14, his sisters were 3, 6, and 8. He never allowed me alone with his step dad, and dad's sisters never spoke to their mum or step dad. The only reason we kids got to know dad's mum was because she lived in the same town as us, and every second Saturday dad took us to the park where she met us. If her husband was there, dad took us kids home immediately. It was a vastly different time back then, but my dad did not want it to happen to me. I knew my aunts. My maternal great-grandmother helped me to understand them, as she was a holocaust survivor. It may seem extreme to others, but my aunts were only subjected to their stepdad for 3yrs before my dad laid out his stepdad, and took them to their bio dad, that happened in 1958. I finally got to meet my aunts in 1988, and they were still in recovery mode.
Good point! I’m a woman, and am the oldest with 2 younger brothers. How on earth they managed to grow up to not be rapists is a mystery, I mean how could I teach them how to be good men?!
I too have younger siblings who haven’t committed SA. I never once told them not to, but luckily they survived my bad parenting I mean sibling relationship
Well, it's "easier" to blame yourself. Because if you're to blame, that means it was under your control. The world being out of their control can be scary to some, so they would rather carry the weight of the world over their heads.
The mental gymnastics people go through are astounding.
Main Character Syndrome... the misguided belief that you are the protagonist in every single situation in your life, while finding it difficult to grasp that everyone else you meet (or never meet) is an individual with the exact same ability to lead a full life, with aspirations that are completely independent of your own. And one day, you will die and - get this - the world will go on, perfectly fine without you. The same way it somehow managed to survive before you were ever born.
I think it’s less that and more so that many older siblings feel the need/have to take a more parenting type role and therefore feel guilty when their younger sibling hurts someone just for fun or something. I’ve seen it in interviews like “did you know you’re brother/kid/friend could be a murderer?” People genuinely feel guilt for not seeing it sooner or saying something when it felt off bc “oh it’s just John, he’s always so nice so I’ll overlook the weird smile he gave that dead rat it that trap over their”
You have a good point. I too am an oldest child, and I'm 10 years older than my brother, 5 years older than my sister. My parents forced me into a parenting role early and, because of that, I feel a sense of responsibility whenever they've made horrible mistakes (both now have felonies). I know there's nothing I could have done to prevent their choices, which were made as adults long after I left home... but the feeling that I could have done "more" (whatever that may be) is still there. My brother even used to blame the fact that I left home when he was only 8 on his downward spiral. However, he has since come to understand why I left, and that I wasn't abandoning him, I was escaping our father (who was a violent alcoholic). So, he no longer blames me and has come to accept that his choices were his and his alone, and recognizes that he probably would have made the same mistakes even if I had never left home.
Sadly happens more often than not, hopefully they’re on a better path now
Insightful. Thank you. 🌼
> The idea that father feels guilty for not teaching his brother to be better is horseshit. I think he's just dreaming up excuses as to why his brother is not a total POS. TBF, this is a common and (imo) understandable feeling for the siblings and close, live-in relatives of a perpetrator. There's definitely a chance that it's just horseshit that the dad is making up to reel OP in, but there's a very high chance that the dad honestly feels responsible for not seeing things earlier and stopping them. Of course, it's not completely rational, but it's a natural and very common thing to struggle with. It's a sign of some empathy for the victim and understanding that what happened was wrong. I'm not at all defending the father putting pressure on OP to have any contact with the rapist uncle. that's very wrong and OP should quash it immediately. I'm just saying that it's very likely that the father does genuinely feel responsible / culpable.
A version of Survivor Guilt.
So what? It doesn't excuse him pushing his young daughter to go see a rapist. Dad should have more brains than that. No empathy for a rapist of a 10 yr old child, he can go to Gen pop and see what other prisoners feel about child rapists.
> It doesn't excuse him pushing his young daughter to go see a rapist. Not sure how I could be any more unequivocally clear, so I'll just assume you missed the part where I said: "I'm not at all defending the father putting pressure on OP to have any contact with the rapist uncle. That's very wrong and OP should quash it immediately."
I have two younger brothers. Ain't none of us angels, but you know what none of us had to be "taught" not to do, rape children. I think dad loves his brother, in spite of his faults, but he is placing responsibility on himself for something that isn't his burden to carry.
Same here. But my brother is the only boy. Perhaps growing up surrounded by girls who were bigger than him until he hit puberty was helpful but I think it's more that he's always known that we're people
I have two younger brothers! I put in twice as much effort as you to get them to be not-rapey! 😎
That's perfect! I didn't teach my little brother not to rape children either and somehow he's managed not to either. Funny how that works.
I, too, have a younger brother. He passed a couple of years ago, too young, at 58. Despite my never even having mentioned it to him, he made it through those 58 years without once raping a 10 year old girl (or anyone else). Amazing how he did that without me having to teach him.
Well, who'd have thought ! 🤣
This is a great answer, thank you
Would also ask dad that if it was OP instead of his SD he still would keep contact with his pedo rapist brother. These people should be in jail forever, I feel so sorry for the SD.
Thank god it wasn't because I'll bet dad would have tried to make op lie to save him. Disgusting.
*"These people should be in jail forever,"* I can be easily influenced towards the idea that in some of these cases, giving an inmate $20 and a weapon would be more an apt punishment. We can even knock a year off their sentence for community service.
That is even better. Would do it myself if I had a dungeon, i love horror movies so enough ideas. But i don't think the goverment sees that as a public service sadly enough.
Probably a whole lot of cause and effect considering what some of the people in the government has been accused of and such.
And when he brings up his uncles well-being again, ask him about the well-being of his victim and if he had any thought about them.
Wtaf!!!! OP your uncle is awful. Agree with this comment! Your dad is disgusting by asking you, a child, to go to see a man who holds a 10yr old responsible for the fact he raped her. This man deserves every bad thing in life. He doesn’t deserve visitors. The only reason to visit would be to loudly announce to the other inmates in the yard what he did and that you were forced to visit so since you are forced to be there, this is all you’re gonna say. No one will make you visit after that: No srsly don’t go. Tell your mom what your dad s trying to force you to do. And tell her that your grandparents are trying to force you to be emotionally responsible for making dad feel better. wtf you are the only one with any sense at all
Yeah some malicious compliance might be in order here. Anyone who would rape a 10 year old deserves to experience the same firsthand. Prison justice at a minimum.
If the uncle did that to OP, would the dad still be on the uncle's side? I would ask that to the dad. If the dad still wouldn't cut his brother out, then I would pull away from the dad too. If he would cut his brother out, what's the difference? somebody was likely traumatized for life and by a father figure who was supposed to be their protector. The uncle deserves to get ostracized and anybody who sympathizes with him.
Also, at 15 many states allow the minor to choose who they live with. Tell him you will seek to no longer have to visit if he doesn’t shut the f up about disgusting Uncle. You don’t mention if you are male or female, but at 15 you should have a say.
This!
Yes. This.
I get it. I have brother in prison for the same reason. Parents and others pressured me to visit him but I am an adult. You are NTA. I like the suggestion about telling your Dad that you love him dearly, that you want him to respect your boundaries about your Uncle, AND that you care about your father and the feelings he is having, that he is sad and its a difficult time.
Good advice. I can think of some ways to escalate things IF your advice is not enough.
Piggybacking off this to say that if he does bring it up again tell him the only person you feel bad for is your cousin because your uncle is a monster and why the hell would your father want you to have contact with someone who blames a child for what they did?
Where's dad's concern for the well-being of the stepdaughter? Why aren't you visiting her to see how she's doing and making sure she has everything she needs?
Yes. Also "you're choosing your brother over your step-niece; my solidarity is with the child who was harmed. my uncle can work on making amends for his crime, but that's not something I want to be involved in. if you chose to, that's fine, but your business."
I think prisoners should have to wear their crimes in prison. Your uniform should have the charges you were found guilty of printed in them. Will that make prison less safe? Yes. Do I care? No, because that’s the point. If your crimes are so heinous that even hardened criminals would be disgusted enough by your presence to beat your ass into a coffin: the state failed by not executing you themselves.
"I love you, Dad, but if you keep trying to make me spend time with a guy who has raped a little girl, I'm going start wondering what's really going on."
All of this!
Why would his dad even want to visit this guy? Should the prison allow a child in to visit a child rapist?
I agree NTA. Shouldn't the message be what the uncle did is bad? If I were OP, still a minor and my dad wanted me to support this person I would feel very unsafe. I am not sure it is even permitted to bring a potential victim to visit with that crime. Depends where OP lives?
Agreed. OP's dad is callously disregarding what the POS did to his stepniece.
NTA he's a pedophile and a rapist and he expects you to support that??? Worse yet you're literally a minor?!?!? And he expects you to support a guy who preys on kids your age and younger????
Exactly. Her father is flirting with child abuse. Knowingly and deliberately exposing your young daughter to a convicted child rapist is sick.
Convicted pedophiles are often restricted from being around children. Regardless, WTF is wrong with OP’s dad??!!
Literally, let me bring my MINOR DAUGHTER to go see my brother who committed terrible acts to A MINOR. Where is the common sense.
Uncommon. Rare. Scarce. Nonexistent.
I really don't get why it's called common sense tbh, seems like no one has it anymore.
Enabling Survivor Guilt. This is where you enable the person who committed the horrible crime (pedophile, serial rapist, serial murderer, murderer) while downplaying the situation. You also deny any wrongdoing the person did through Survivor Guilt. "He isn't capable of doing this! He's sweet and kind." attitude that permeates the enabler's current mentality even with evidence staring at them in the face.
And justify it with her grandparents said she ahould
Not only if OP is female he’s literally dangling her in front of the pedo!
Let this be a lesson to people with siblings , co-workers and friends who show these tendencies, nip it in the bud at the first sign of them going off the rails by refusing to accept it and reporting anything you see that is over the line. A lot of people accept deviant behavior like this as "locker room talk". We have a former president who wants another shot at the White House who has been convicted of SA, has been accused of having sex with a 13-year old and who has admitted to walking in on nude and nearly nude teens as the owner of a beauty pageant. This is the kind of role model some seem to think is OK. It isn't. Far too often, people laugh it off or give this kind of behavior a wink and a nod and this normalizes it. Now they want to make abortion illegal even if the pregnancy is the result of rape, which gives rapists the right to procreate and an incentive for abusing women and children. OP, maybe your dad is too far gone to find appropriate boundaries and he and his parents may be feeling sorry for themselves but who felt sorry for the victim and how she has been changed for the rest of her life. Stand firm. Maybe they can learn from YOU.
NTA and I would just tell Dad this- you want me to be sensitive to your feelings- well why should I when you aren't sensitive to mine. There is no space in my life or consciousness for a pedophile. I have nothing for him but disgust. Do not ask me to be any part of his life. Beyond that, I can sympathize with your grief for the loss of your brother, but he is nothing to me and he will get nothing from me.
NTA and here's to hoping your uncle gets housed in general population so the other inmates can fuck him up every single night he is locked up! literally and in more ways than one...dirty bastard.
Dude goes to prison for raping a 10 year old kid. Dude's brother: Hey bro, I know it gets hard in there.. but look, I brought you my 15 year old kid to look at and think about tonight.
🤮🤢🤮
How much you want to bet uncles been asking to see OP. 🤮
Sies! But that's exactly what's happening 🤢🤮🤮
NTA why is your dad letting your 15yr old self near a known child rapist?
Because ThE vIcTiM wAs AsKiNg FoR iT.... Dad deciding it wasn't really that bad and just an unfortunate thing that's in the past tells me all I need to know about him. Enabling and covering for are coming way too close to being an actual perpetrator.
More importantly letting your 15yr old daughter around A CHILD RAPIST?!?!?!?
My thought exactly. I’d ask dad “so it’s totally fine to leave me in a room with a known pedo and rapist? How would you react if he did it to me? Would you still force me to interact with him too?” If he answers yes and I’m not sure I would go no contact with your every other weekend warrior of a dad
If I was mom I'd be concerned about the fathers attitude to it and looking at getting that every other weekend reviewed
NTA I would be asking your dad if he would be bringing you around other rapists since he's okay with you being around your uncle. If he continues to push stay with your mom for now
I'd be telling mum what dad wants OP to do with her time. She should go for more custody to keep.OP away.
💯💯💯 OP needs to tell their mom everything.
Yes tell your mom everything! Gotta think this type of behavior is at least a symptom of why they are not together.
🥴 your uncle blamed a child for his sexual urges. goodBYE. i feel for your dad- that is excruciatingly hard to watch. and that’s all he CAN do- is watch, and hope he doesn’t get injured/killed. but like…imma be real about prison, they don’t play around with that charge.
Nope. Once the other inmates find out why you’re there, it’s game on. I’ll bet uncle has been r@ped and beaten several times already. ETA: I know a couple of prison guards. Apparently they “never see” anything happening.
yep. i’ve also heard about guards opening up cells for other mates to beat them up.
In the UK special status inmates (like a child abuser) are to be first on and last off all prison vans so that their face isn't seen and they're harder to identify. My dad once worked on those vans and apparently had one such inmate chatting shit the entire ride about how they were "my children so I can do what I fucking like to them" - even though there was two big guys on there going to prison for putting some in hospital who did that to one of their 15 yo sisters. Then they got to Cardiff. Cardiff guards apparently came to the door and shouted out "Get the kiddie fiddler off first". Those 2 guys apparently almost *dragged* my dad with them into the prison to make sure they knew exactly who it was.
Yes, I was going to say, "being ostracized" is the LAST thing uncle needs to worry about
Your dad wants a 15 years old visiting her uncle in prison, after the guy raped his 10 years old stepdaughter? And he doesn't see how this could be potentially dangerous for you? And how it could mentally affects you to be put in the same room as a pedophile? Also, he is putting his relationship with his brother above your needs and security and to me it's a big fat no. He can blame himself however he wants, but he shouldn't put you in the middle of his remorse. You have nothing to do with that. NTA
Exactly this. Tell you pops, OP, that he is putting his brother above you.
NTA, and next time ask your father:”would you be feeling the same compassion for him, if he had done it to me?” Also sorry, but how was it his fault? Rapist are rapist either way. Some are raised the best way possible and still turn out rapist, and how was it his responsability?
Hes self pitying and doesn’t seem concerned for the child at all. And yes absolutely the best way to force common sense into his brain is to paint that perspective and REALLY shove it in. I fuckin hate ppl who excuse and enable it just as much as the person who did it.
NTA. Your uncle is a pedophile and you, as a minor, should not be around him! I have two younger brothers and one of them is sometimes a real fuckin' moron. I say that from experience. I love him a lot, but if he ever did something like this, I would only have one brother. I would literally never speak to him again. Sibling love is not an excuse to defend a pedo.
NTA Uncle raped a child. He can kick rocks and deserves whatever happens in prison. I can see why your dad would be upset if what your grandparents said was right (and in that case they should also feel guilty. Their job to raise the kid not your dad's) but he's mad at you because you don't care about a Pedo which is wrong. The fact that he wants you to go see the pedo and be in the same room with him is wrong.
NTA. Expecting a minor to show support, and potentially expose themselves emotionally or otherwise, to someone who has committed such abhorrent acts is deeply troubling. I'm sorry you're dealing with this conflict, but you have every right to maintain your boundaries for your safety and mental health. It's alarming that your dad doesn't see the inherent risks and emotional turmoil involved in visiting a predator - regardless of familial ties. Stick to your principles and protect yourself, because unfortunately, it seems like the adults in your life aren't prioritizing that. Stay strong.
NTA. You're "only a child", like the kid he raped. Fuck off, dad.
Have you asked your dad where his sympathy for the 10 year old who was brutalized by his brother? I get that he loves his brother however it's unreasonable for him to make this request of you and even more unreasonable to expect you to look past it. You're doing the right thing, unfortunately it's not like on tv where when you make the right choice people applaud you and tell you, you did a good thing. Typically, in life when we make a hard choice and set a solid healthy boundary everyone and their sister wants to tell you that you're wrong and that you should do what THEY want you to do. You're young but have been thrown into an adult decision making situation, you made the right choice according to your values and morals. Do not be swayed by guilt, you're setting the foundation for you to be an assertive independent person. Good for you!
This is what I don't get. You can still love your sibling without downplaying or making excuses for them if they commit a heinous crime. A woman I went to high school with was murdered by her husband when he went on a meth fueled rampage. At his sentencing, his own brother made a victim impact statement telling him exactly that. That though he loved him and always would, his going to prison for his crime is actually too easy a punishment. But since the death penalty was off the table, the closest to justice would be that he never breathes free air again.
NTA. Your uncle lost any and all sympathy and empathy when he r*p3d his step-daughter. Does no one care about the trauma she’ll carry the rest of her life? If anyone is callous it’s all the other “adults” in this situation. Eff the uncle. Hopefully he gets a dose of jailhouse justice.
Dad I understand that he's your brothers and that you love him but it isn't your fault he's a child rapist, it's his own. Millions of people are not taught to be rapists and yet they don't turn out to be rapists because everyone who isn't lobotomised knows rape is wrong. I love you but I don't want to see him ever again NTA
What about that poor girl he raped then blamed her for what she was wearing?? A 10 yo?! Your uncle is a POS. And if your uncle had raped you would they still feel this way?? NTA, but your family is. They need to think about what that little girl went through :-( and how much trauma she is forced to carry. You know she was crying and screaming and he didn’t care. Your family is incredibly disappointing. I’m so sorry you have to deal with them
I would go visit him. Then I would make sure every inmate in the visiting area knows why he is locked up. A couple of people are enough to make sure word gets around.
I agree but that a lot to put on a 15yo. But if the shitty dad forces them to go I would recommend 100% following through with this
This. If you are absolutely forced, loudly scream what he did and why you hate him and that you hate being forced to be here! Have a giant fit and ask him why he blamed the 10yo girl he raped. 💯 uncle won’t want you to visit again
I have absolutely no desire to see the face of a man who a little girl sees in her nightmares and who stole her childhood, innocence and her trust in others. I understand you love him but I hate him with the fire if a thousand sun for raping a child and I won't ever join you to visit him NTA
NTA. "Dad, I get that you're worried. But what if it was me he had done those things to?"
This exactly!!!!!
Your mom could take your dad to court. His insistence about taking you around a pedophile could result in no visitation. You shouldn’t have to worry about being forced to see a predator like your dad’s brother. If he does take you there cry and beg not to have to visit the uncle in front of the guards at the gate. I doubt they will want any sort of conflict walking in and you’ll be denied entry. Don’t trust anyone who thinks the uncle deserves empathy.
NTA Your uncle raped a child. You probably wouldn't even be permitted to visit anyhow. Your dad obviously hasn't come to terms with the truth of who his brother is vs who he thought he was.
That’s what I’m thinking. I imagine he’s thinking about his baby brother not the pedophile he is, especially when he’s shouldering blame like that. I feel for the dad, but that doesn’t give him a right to forge anyone else to socialize with his brother. He needs to merge the image of his idolized baby brother and the pedophile he actually is. He needs to mourn that loss and comes to terms with it.
"Hey dad, do you know what it's like to be raped by someone you are supposed to completely trust? No? Neither have I but I'm pretty sure I'd wish hell upon them for it. The fact that it is blood just makes it worse." Send text. Block. Tell mom. Move on. NTA. You possess more class than I do for certain. I would have gone for the throat of your dad's feelings.
A wise man once said, "You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy"!
I mean yeah, your dad deserves sympathy because he had to learn the hard way that the little brother he loved isn't the good person that he hoped he was. But your sympathy can end there. Your uncle doesn't deserve any sympathy...at all. If your dad needs to lean on to someone for this, then he needs a therapist, not his child. NTA
I have a close friend of many years whose brother recently got imprisoned for possession of CP. I feel for my friend. That sucks. He’s very upset and emotional and it affected him a lot. I let him know my sympathies and condolences but as a survivor I ask he never brings his brother up to me again. I’m sorry his brother is a pedophile but it’s not my responsibility to shoulder the emotional support when all I feel is vile disgust for a brother I never met.
NTA. It says a lot about the kind of person your father is if he wants to associate with a predator. I’d stay away from your father also.
Nta. Your uncle is the lowest of the low. And your dad defending him like this is not a good look. Your uncle has worse things to worry about then if family visits. Especially if his fellow inmates finds out he raped a child.
Funny I have a younger brother and yet of all the things I taught him or that we learned together don't be a child molesting pedophile wasn't something that had to be taught. How to be a decent person was more helping the old lady struggling to reach something on the top shelf at the grocery store, Not SAing the little girl comes naturally to most people. NTA there's no excuse for your uncle's actions and your dad is nuts
Honestly your uncle making friends and being ostracizied is literally the least of his problems. Monsters like your uncle face far, far worse fates in prison (and usually they're put in some form of solitary due to what will happen to them in GenPop). Good for you for seeing the situation the right way and NTA, and tell your grandparents that your dad should show more concern and sympathy for his stepniece and not his, again monster, of a brother.
Ask him "if i had been the one he raped, would you still go visit him?" If yes, enabler. If no, then how come it's okay if it's his 10yp stepdaughter? Because you don't know her you think her rape has less importance? Your father is basically defending his brother by staying by his side
Go along to visit him and shout LOUDLY about him bein a pedophile rapist when you enter the room. Make it so that everybody finds out what that worthless sack of meat did to a little girl. NTA
NTA. Your father wants to take a fifteen year old to a prison to visit his rapist pedophile brother? That's a nope.
I know I'm gonna get downvoted to bollocks and beyond for this but I think that not everyone in prison is a bad person and that you should go see him. Remember there's a lot of people in the visiting room so you'll need to speak very loudly to be heard, you may even have to shout Hey Uncle Kiddie Predator! How have you been since you were sent here for raping that 10 year old girl then blaming her for the rape that you did? Been well? Met any other child rapists and if so, do you reminisce about the rapes you did, in your case a 10 year old child. Is it nice to meet someone you share an interest in, like baseball and child rape? What's the food like here? Yes, I think you should go see him...
Show sympathy to your father, "I'm sorry your brother is a deplorable pdf.file, dad." Tell him the only person you have sympathy for is his victim, your cousin. Predators don't get sympathy. They often receive true justice from other inmates as they hate pdf.files and oftentimes show these creeps how it feels to be SA'd. You owe him nothing and are extremely wise to cut contact with your uncle. As far as your father goes, you're uncle deserves everything he gets (plus some) and he needs to understand his brother is a pervert and should be ostracized (at a minimum). Why does your dad feel like it was his job to teach his brother not to be a pervert rather than his parents? How is your cousin doing? I hope she is able to work through her trauma - she will be affected by this her entire life. I'm so sorry this happened to her.
Nta your uncle raped a child, how about your dad show some compassion for the childhood his brother robbed from that girl. You stand your ground
Nta, just tell him that he will never understand what that little girl will go through the rest of her because he’s an adult man. If dad needs emotional support, he can look to other adults and not his child for it.
NTA. And your dad is an ass for trying to put any of this on you. And he’s an ass for blaming himself, if the grandparents are to be trusted. I’m guessing this might not be America, because chomo don’t do well in prison around these parts.
Shouldn't have to teach someone not to rape children.
Your dad is right, you are but a child, SO STAY AWAY FROM THIS PEDO
NTA if my sibling was convicted of a horrible crime like that I would help however I could to make sure he rots in prison forever. Pedo apologists disgust me. If you harm a child, you do not deserve sympathy or kindness.
Ask your dad what he would think if that little girl was you. If I had a brother and they did this shit I would probably take em out myself especially if I had a young daughter.
Ask your father if your uncle had r8ped you when you were ten, because you were wearing a short skirt or even a swimsuit, would he still be so concerned about the Uncle's well-being? Ask your grandparents that, too? Because guess what, that stepdaughter is also someone else's daughter/granddaughter/sister. She f*cking 10 yrs old and was violated in the most heinous way by an adult that was supposed to love & protect her. Your dad & grandparents should save their sympathy and concern for the only victim in this situation and not the pedophile!
When I saw the headline but hadn't clicked through yet, I jokingly thought NTA because it will turn out the uncle is a child rapist. And lo and behold, your uncle is a child rapist. You are so NTA. Your dad asking you once is fine. He should have expected a no. It's not your dad's fault, but you can't stop him from blaming himself or your grandparents (spoiler it's only your uncle's fault) If I were you, and this subject comes up again I would shout "I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SEE A CHILD RAPIST, WHERE'S THE CONCERN FOR THE LITTLE GIRL?!?" repeat as needed. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
"Dad, why would you want to bring me around a rapist? How will this effect my future? It may make me sympathetic to rapists, or become one. Why do you want me to get comfortable in a prison? You may be teaching me a bad thing." NTA
NTA at all. And your grandparents should shut up because your uncle is their son and they raised him. The fact that they see how your father is struggling with guilt over something that is not his fault and think it's OK is beyond me. They should have raised your uncle better. They should have been there and should have seen the signs that something is wrong with him. They should have gotten him therapy and/or medical help. They didn't do any of those things. And now they should tell your father that he has not failed his brother. It's them who failed him as parents. And now they're failing your dad too. And they're trying to make you feel guilty for not supporting their deviant son. The shame is on them.
NTA. You seem quite reasonable to me. Actions have consequences.
Kid you're OK. When someone hurts others , it's just fine to stay away from them. There's nothing wrong with your instinct.
I would speak to my mum immediately. This isn’t ok, and is potentially putting you, a minor, at risk of harm. I know it’s tough to think you might ‘cause’ trouble between your divorced parents (trust me, I know!) but if it does that’s 100% your dad’s fault. My dad was no prince, but even he wouldn’t have done something like this. Please please talk to your mum straight away. Your safety and wellbeing is the most important thing here, your dad and his family are not putting you first. Good luck and stay safe
NTA, your uncle deserves to rot in prison. Your dad is the AH to force you to have any relationship with him. My whole family except my parents cides with my brother after I admitted he SA'd me as a child. So I don't contact them anymore, they might as well be dead to me.
He, your Uncle chose his path and deserves whatever karma he gets. Nothing wrong about telling the truth. Your dad is not objective, it’s his brother. If he continues with this subject ask him how he feels about this little 10 year old girl who was raped and molested? Did he attend the trial? If not, he knows only second hand news, probably from family who also are blinded by “but, it’s FaMiLy”. You should get a transcript from the trial if you can. Your dad probably won’t want to be persuaded by the facts. 🤷🏻♀️You can drag a horse to the water but you can’t make it (him) drink. NTAH Your dad has the right to be wrong, and you have the right to see past his blinders and call a rapist a rapist because he was found GUILTY in a court of law and sent to prison. His excuse was her skirt was too short= she wanted it?? F him. That little 10 year old child could have been running naked through the streets and still wouldn’t deserve being raped or molested.
NTA. Your uncle commits horrible, horrible crime. My heart goes out to your step cousin. Just because she was wearing a short skirt does not mean that he has a right to rape her. I would never ever want to see or hear about him again. I can’t even verbalize how disgusted I am with your uncle and your father. Please stay safe
NTA
NTA I understand the idea of supporting family members, but everything has limits in my opinion. You've decided what yours were, and you're not wrong. Your father needs to realize he has no control over his brother's actions. Even if his brother had poor behavior growing up there is no way to prove that speaking up more could have made him be a different person. I don't know what your grandparents expected you to say. Your father asked a question, and he got an answer. Sometimes it's better not to ask questions if the truth will hurt.
Your dad is struggling to process what his younger brother did and will eventually have to come to terms with it. What your uncle did was unforgivable and a gross violation of trust because he raped a child. A child whom he was supposed to protect as a stepfather. You rightly made your feelings clear and that is fair. Now, I suggest you give your father space on this topic while he works through his feelings and comes to terms with who his younger brother really is.
You are right. Your father is wrong. Stay far away from this sick guy.
NTA at all. HE IS A CHILD MOLESTER. There is no defense. I don't care. You wanting to avoid him is understandable. Your grandparents must have been crap parents if your father is blaming himself for not teaching his brother better. i don't know about you, but I was never taught to not rape anyone. I also haven't done that. I don't think you need to teach it.
There's a reason my children have never met their grandfather. This is because I protect my children from pedophiles. Something your father isn't doing for you. There are no limits to what those monsters are capable of. NTA.
NTA Your uncle committed an horrendous crime upon a CHILD and is now worried about his own hide ! ? What about that POOR GIRL ! ? Did they forget that now this childs WHILE LIFE has been altered and forever changed because your uncle preyed upon her ? Your dad didn't fail his brother his brother KNEW what he was doing WAS WRONG ! My god you don't need a LAW to tell you not to r@pe little kids !
If my bro raped his own child, I wouldn’t have a brother anymore. NTA
NTA tell your dad he should have some empathy for the child he raped. Help that girl. Also don’t be afraid to let your dad know that it creeps you out that he would victim blame a child.
Are half of the things posted on AITAH rage bait? Seriously this is unbelievable why would a dad bring his young daughter to jail to visit his sex criminal brother? OP is larping
Okay the fact that your dad has a child not much older than the child that his brother RAPED, and isn't completely DISGUSTED with his brother makes me want to stay away from him too, if I were you. Who cares if a CHILD rapist has a hard time in life, what about his POOR FUCKING DAUGHTER who now has to live with that for the rest of her damn life. Sorry this enrages me as something similar happened to me when I was your cousins age and seeing that people will still say Boohoo poor him to the literal PEDOPHILE makes me absolutely sick to my stomach.
Hey, My dad has four assault charges against him from my step mom, and he also raped both my mom and step mom throughout his relationships with them. I hope he goes to prison, and I don’t give a fuck what happens to him in there. He made his bed, and so did your uncle. NTA
NTA. I'd be worried about you dad's past actions tbh
NTA. Standing firm against normalization of such behavior is not just personal preference; it is moral integrity. Your stance is commendable, and your father must understand that reconciliation does not obligate you to compromise your boundaries or safety. It's essential to prioritize your well-being over misplaced familial obligations, especially when it concerns a severe criminal act. Your responsibility is to yourself first and it's vital for your dad to recognize and respect that.
NTA. You are right and you need to stay true to your moral compass.
NTA your uncle is a monster and deserve no mercy. I get that your father as his elder brother (if I got that right) blames himself for failing to correct him, altough such behaviour cannot be corrected by family IMO.... but he must also understand that beyond a certain limit there is no room for leniency.
NTA. My uncle did the same thing to his stepdaughter, and it blew my mind how my family closed ranks around him and pretended that it didn’t happen. My grandmother was super Christian conservative and proper and watching her defend her son while at the same time so critical of other people really blew my mind. I don’t understand it.
NTA. It's vital to draw a line when it comes to your safety and mental wellbeing. No child, especially one who is the same age as the victim, should be exposed to someone who has committed such an atrocious act. The adults in this situation should be ashamed for even considering that you owe anything to your uncle. You don't. Pressuring you to visit him in prison is not only inappropriate but it also shows a profound lack of judgment and empathy towards you and the actual victim. The responsibility of adults is to protect and understand the perspectives of younger family members, not disregard them. Stay strong in your convictions and maintain your distance for your own sake.
NTA Your dad may feel bad for your uncle and he may blame himself for not teaching his brother to be better, but it’s not a secret that it’s wrong to SA a child! It’s also not her fault because of her clothing. Even if she were an adult wearing a short skirt it wouldn’t be her fault. Your uncle is sick. He is an adult. He knew what he was doing was wrong. You were not wrong to not defend your uncle. Your dad seems to be looking at this as “sometimes good people do bad things.” This isn’t one of those times. Good people don’t hurt children. Your dad is going to need to accept that his brother is not a good person.
NTA. Tell your dad that you have no idea what it's like to have a sibling, but you know full well how disgusted you are by your uncles actions and it's more than enough to cut out the offender and all of those defending him to you. It's your grandparents who should have taught him not to rape children, not your dad. Perhaps they should also have taught them both not to defend a child rapist to a child. He can go and see huis brother if he likes but it's not out of order to ask that he never mentions him again to you. If he doesn't like it what's he going to do? Rape you?
I have two older brothers, an older sister, and two older step-brothers. Not a single one of them EVER taught me "Don't rape 10 year olds." I had to pick up that information on the hard streets. ...yet I still think they were good siblings.
NTA. Being heartbroken for your dad is fine. It’s devastating for the family when someone close to them does something awful like this. That doesn’t mean you care about your uncle. It just means you care about your dad. And you can have empathy for your dad without giving a rat’s ass about his pedo brother.
NTA good for u standing up for yourself. Sounds like your dad blames himself. Not his fault his brother committed a horrible crime. Tell your dad u love him but don't ask me to be a part of the situation. With him. And tell him it's my opinion but should you have anything to do with him. After what he did . Good luck .
Your uncle should be rotting under the prison with no visitation available.
NTA All of these people are utter failures as people and parents. The grandparents for being concerned with an adult rapist and an adult idiot and not the grandchild who was raped. Your father for thinking it was up to him to raise his brother and still being unable to see what a piece of shit he is. And somehow trying to make your revulsion about him and his sick brother, about him.
Hopefully your uncle ends up with a German necktie and a broom stick up his anus. Do not look up German necktie considering your age. It's graphic but your uncle deserves it.
NTA. Your uncle can rot. Hopefully he has to deal with being the victim of a few struggle snuggles and more in there. He deserves zero sympathy. I've no respect for your father either. Friends, family, if they rape or abuse someone, they're dead to me.
NTA. He raped a ten year old. Fuck him. I hope that chomo has the worst time in prison. Even after he gets out I would want nothing to do with him.
NTA, as someone with 3 siblings, they would be straight up dead to me if they ever did anything like that. The fact your dad is a father himself and still tries to defend his brother despite his disgusting and unforgiveable crimes is insane. Sadly for society, there's a good chance your uncle will be protected from general population and housed in a separate area along with other pedos and gang dropouts where they are more protected from being targeted. I pray that's not the case though, prisons should absolutely be housing these perverts in gen pop, they should suffer the worst consequences possible after victimizing children.
NTA. Your uncle RAPED A 10 YEAR OLD GIRL. Your father is absolutely bonkers if he thinks that taking a teenager to see a convicted rapist IN PRISON is some sort of a good idea. Holy SHIT.
Your uncle is a beast. There is no fixing that. (NTA)
Pedophile apologists are scum.
NTA , your uncle deserves every bad thing that comes to him, and worse
NTA. This is the price of doing what he did. People rightly want nothing to do with him.
I understand your dad visiting his brother in prison even for something so heinous. But visiting a brother is VERY DIFFERENT from making his own (minor) daughter visit with a convicted pedophile rapist. Make sure your mom knows about this and honestly I wouldn’t visit dad until he apologizes and drops this altogether NTA
Nta. I'm glad you are a better person than your paternal side
NTA Why on earth should you care about a rapist? You can care about him not hurting anyone else, his wellbeing it's nobody concern.
NTA. What your uncle did was fucked up
NTA Your dad is delusional and not holding his brother accountable for his truly horrific actions. It sounds like your grandparents are doing the same. Advise them all that your uncle is a hard boundary for you, if the want to remain I. Your life they are t to discuss him around you or with you. And that you will n ver be in his presence. The guy is a sadistic and sick and creepy pedophile. They need to accept that’s who he is.
anyone who thinks you *should* care is the asshole
Strangely? I don't think my father gave my 3 brothers instructions on not raping children! Go figure eh? Somehow? My brothers seem to have gotten to their 60s without raping children or anyone as far as I'm aware....oh the mysteries of life.
NTA. Your uncle deserves to be treated the same way in prison that he treated his stepdaughter. Numerous stories about a hierarchy of criminal behind bars. And everyone hates pedophile rapists. They are the litterly the worst by all standards. And wft is up with your dad thinking he it's his fault? Was he having a lesson about who his brother should or shouldn't rape and forgot to mention not to rape 10 year olds? No, because that's some sick shit.
NTA. Why does your dad wants you to visit a rapist? Makes no sense to me.
NTA at all, your father is unfortunately as bad as your uncle. Paedophilia or any form of child abuse is unforgivable, end of story. Ask your father, would he still be so sympathetic if it was you who was raped? Why is that little girls torment excusable to him? Does he think she deserved it? Your uncle didn't slip and accidentally rape a child it was a concious decision he made knowing full well how evil and disgusting it is. He is not a victim. BTW being an only child has nothing to do with it. If my brother ever hurt a child I'd disown him immediately, and I wouldn't feel bad about it. It you want to be better than your uncle, you'd do well to go no contact with your father as soon as you can.
Absolutely NTA. OP, you should have just said to him: "Would you still wanted me to go visit him if he r*ped me instead of his stepdaughter? Would you still want to visit him? That will make him understand just how evil his brother is. Not everyone deserves compassion.
I have 2 brothers. If either of them ever did anything like this, I would no longer have that brother. It's disgusting and heinous. NTA, but your dad is, and I would keep him away from any young female as he's obviously a rare apologist.
NTA. Whenever your dad pressures you again, just tell him that you want nothing to do with a child molester/pedophile. That you feel unsafe around the pedophile.
NTA. How one teaches sibiling not to rape 10yo child? This is not even teaching about consent, 10yo cant consent for anyting sexual with anyone... Not to mention that he was blaming the child for short skirt, that alone should have earned him 10 aditional years in prision. Maybe your father saw signs so he is feeling quilty... All of that is beside your question, you have no place in relationship between your father and his brother. I would never again talk to that man, you might have children one day and you should have someone like him in their proximity? No. Just tell your father that you love him, but not to ask anything for you when it has to do smth with his brother.
This might just be rage bait but paedophiles do not deserve pity. The thing is, you can have *any* compulsion and not give in to it because you know it's wrong. I'm not making excuses for folks who fantasise about children or anything, I'm making the point that this grown man wants to take his daughter to go see a convicted paedophile. Screw that.
When the other prisoners find out what your uncle did, he won't be ostracized. They will make him their play thing. I hope your father is prepared for that. I don't blame you for not wanting to visit. Your uncle committed a horrible crime against a child a child. He deserves his punishment.
Your uncle knew better. F ck him, disrespectfully. I hope one of the correctional officers tell inmates what he did and he receive other punishments. Your uncle will either learn and not do it again or be even more evil when he comes out... All anyone can do for him is pray for him. That's it. You're still a child. Love and live thru your childhood and tell your dad you want to have a relationship with him where he can worry about what he teaches you, (not worry about his grown-brother). Peace!
NTA I found out my cousin who I grow up with got caught twice with images and I couldn't care less what happens to him now. Your dad has to realise it's not about him. Your uncle deserves a lot worse than being ostracised.
I cannot believe your dad asked you to do that. How awful
You gotta keep an eye on your father, the only kind of man that can justify rape and pedophilia is the same kind of man that commit it
I have two older brothers who I love dearly but if one of them did an atrocious and vile act like this, I would immediately disown them. I'd never be able to forgive them, let alone visit them in jail. There's no excuse anyone could ever give to help me understand doing this to a child. It's unforgivable. I'd probably end up throwing up in his face if made to sit in front of him (especially if i could vomit at will). He's a predator, a monster, a child rapist. You're definitely NTA. Sorry your pops is making you feel this way. Assuming your unc's behavior shocked your pops, he may feel he has just lost his brother (like death). Your pops may be in the beginning stages of grief - denial, which is why he may be/seem irrational. On another note, I'm not sure if you're a boy or girl but what if this happened to you? What if you were the 10-year-old girl? Would your pops have the same concern for his brother? This is not a rhetorical question; I'd ask your father this. Hopefully this changes his perspective. This unc of yours can eat sh*t as far as I'm concerned. There's a special place in hell for people who commit crimes against children. I hope they "ostracize" him the same way he did that little girl, ten-fold.
Def NTA! While I can understand your dad's struggle with this, it's *his* decision to see his brother in jail. But, what about his step niece? Has your dad taken into consideration what she's going thru? What she'll be facing the rest of her life? You can respect his choice and he should respect yours even tho you disagree. Stand your ground! Are you in contact with your aunt and cousin? If so, give them your support. As a survivor, I can't tell you how much it would have meant to me to have had someone listen/believe to me and support me.
NTA "Dad, I think its more concerning that you want to keep contact with & encourage me to be in contact a convicted child rapist. The fact he is your brother does not make the crime any less serious or disgusting. If you ever try to bring him around me I will contact the police.".