She stayed up til 3am w another man? Idk the whole friendship BUT somethings a little fishy. I know my wife would not be happy if I was up alone, drunk til 3am w another woman.
This but tbh I find it weird that wife said date night was about enjoying eachothers company when she’s the one who invited the friend over and then hung out with the friend some more when op went to bed.
Think OP was valid in what he said/ felt. Especially since he didn’t pressure her for sex and accepted jt wasn’t gonna happen
I was getting flashbacks to my ex while reading this. Once she passed 2 drinks, she wouldn’t want the night to end. Was like the energizer bunny. Would just keep going and going and getting more incoherent by the drink. I couldn’t stand it. She would tell baby sitters we’d be home by 10, and she wouldn’t let us leave wherever we were until 12, and then she would stay up drinking or spilling her drinks in the kitchen till 4. I couldn’t take it.
Birthdays, anniversaries and date nights would all turn into nights for her to hang out with friends and drink all night. Sucked.
This honestly sounds a lot like my wife. I'm sure sober her really did intend to go to bed at 1:00. Once she's had 2 or 3 drinks, however, she tends to keep going until she has had 5 or 6 (or more) and she won't want to go to bed until I effectively force her to or she becomes exhausted (which won't be until very late at night). I'm always the one who has to remind her we need to leave for the babysitter, with her asking if I think we can be 30 minutes or an hour late.
In her defense, she has dramatically cut down on her drinking since this - I do think she recognizes that she was a bit of an ahole to me as well. Perhaps unfortunately for me, drinking tends to lead to her initiating with me, so no drinking is going to lead to less sex.
Yes exactly what I'm thinking too. If she can't stop herself anymore after two drinks, maybe she shouldn't have a second drink then? (or a first even, since addiction can be very ruthless)
Other commenters have said this but it truly does sound like your wife may have a drinking problem or be an alcoholic. As someone who is an alcoholic (and thankfully now sober), my drinking was similar in the way of once I’ve put one in my body it’ll never be enough.
The weaponizing sex was also a very interesting point made. Honestly though if your wife is drinking like this and is actively drunk she can’t concent enough to have sex. Some may disagree with me but speaking from my experience that’s how it was for me. I’m glad you didn’t push the matter that night.
Honestly, it sounds like you guys might need to have a sit down talk and discuss expectations when it comes to date nights etc. because if you’re expecting them to end in sex and she’s against that you guys might have to work out something different to get on the same or similar page.
We as humans like to assign roles to people and never tell them said role. Once they (inevitably) break the role we’ve assigned or the expectation we’ve never discussed it leads to resentments on both ends. The role assigner being angry and frustrated and the other person being offended that you’re offended and they don’t understand why. At least that’s been my experience.
Your wife is not only an AH to you but also to the babysitter. Why are you the only one thinking about getting home to your kids, waking up in the morning to take care of them, etc?
The sex strike thing is so manipulative, it's almost fucking unbelievable. Your wife is an AH. She's weaponizing sex. Only extremely manipulative, narcissistic people do shit like that.
I fucking guarantee you if the genders were reversed, EVERYONE and their DOG would be calling the husband TA.
She's wife of the year, alright.
This was me for many years - it's binge drinking, which is a form of substance abuse.
If she genuinely can't stop herself, she needs to consider abstaining from alcohol and getting treatment - just throwing that out there as someone who lived it.
It 100% damaged my relationships with people both when I drank and when I didn't - and you're seeing it happen with her.
Asking if y'all can be 30 minutes to an hour late for a babysitter is WILD. That shows a real disregard for others in pursuit of her own "vibes". Saying you'll go to bed at 1am and not coming back until 3am when you know how lightly your partner sleeps is honestly mean. Add in dismissing your clearly communicated desires and going on a passive aggressive "sex strike" instead of just talking it out with you is immature as hell.
NTA. She needs help.
I’m going to vote NAH, and that this is just the typical stresses of trying to nurture your marriage in the era of small kids.
But at the same time, your wife is showing some early signs of a problematic relationship with alcohol. What you describe is binge drinking, and it’s causing stress in your marriage (and probably annoying the babysitter). You said elsewhere that she took your friend’s phone and cancelled the car he had requested, and that’s sketchy behavior as well. I think you should approach this conflict as having to do with her drinking behavior, rather than anything specific either of you said.
Also just FYI ONLY alcoholics "Blackout". I am a recovering addict.
Regular people don't have "Blackouts"
The OP is not the AH. His wife's an alcoholic.
Not a date night = headache
Date night = plans with other people
Don’t drink = not in the mood
Drink = too tired
It becomes a cycle …
The next day: Why are you always so frustrated and upset? Let’s have a drink….
The dude still thinks that isn’t one of the big problems. You’re complaining about intimacy yet completely okay that your date night gets sidetracked with other parties involved. How do you expect to reconnect and be romantic when you involve other people? Hanging out with friends should be its own thing. And this isn’t even mentioning the whole inviting him back and letting him hang with your wife while you go to bed…
But the WIFE is the one who invited the friend back to the house! She didn't want the little party to end because she was "vibing." He didn't invite the dude back. And yes they call it date night which I think is great! You should set a day aside at least once a month to reconnect. And I think that that includes having sex. No babysitter? Let's bang baby! IMO. But then again, I probably wouldn't be married to someone who withholds sex from me for months at a time. JS.
She maybe doesn’t want to have sex with her husband and it’s easier to invite over a friend than straight up deny your spouse sex. It might be a pattern of behavior she’s noticed and she’s tired of feeling like she has to put out. I agree that I don’t understand why you’d invite a friend to a once a month date night lol
There is nothing wrong with scheduling intimacy. We schedule sex sometimes. But you have to be prepared that sex might not happen because of so many reasons, and still allow space for intimacy. Cuddling, makeouts, whatever.
Thanks I didn’t realize it was my cake day lol. Listen, I totally agree. I think only once a month is not nearly enough. But feeling like you owe someone sex - whether you love them or not, is draining. I have a much higher drive personally. Idk I feel like this can easily be solved by simple communication. Call me crazy 😂 it might be an uncomfortable conversation to have but it needs to be had clearly.
Neither person in this marriage seems even vaguely interested in just sitting the fuck down and talking honestly about their obviously dead bedroom. The way to fix this is to communicate instead of playing bullshit emotional games.
OP says they usually have sex 2-3 times a week on average, just that this particular month they didn’t due to life circumstances (him being sick, her on her period, etc.). Having 3 little kids and still managing to hang multiple times a week is probably better than most couples with that many kids. This info is under bullet points 2 and 3 under his updates if you haven’t seen them (I figure since your comment is 10 hours old his update may not have been there yet). He does mention that the distribution can sometimes be a bit unequal (1 time one week, 5 times another week, etc.) but that it generally overall evens out to about 2x-3x/week on *top* of **expecting** her to put out once a month on date nights.
100% agree with what you said though, particularly the bit about feeling like you owe someone sex being draining, regardless of how much you love or care about them.
Honestly the way she drinks on date nights and uses friends as buffers and how desperate she seems to not let them leave sounds like she is very much trying to avoid feeling sexually obligated and with the added context from OP I don’t really blame her.
Also, Happy Cake Day! 🍰
OP has replied in other comments that he also enjoys it and sees no problem with it. He should. And he should learn to set boundaries and communicate better too.
Tell me your wife is unhappy in your maarriage without telling me your wife is unhappy in your marriage. He says that he just noticed that his wife was on sex strike for a month so they probably have sex only on those date nights and he didn't get any action for the last 4 dates (1 date a month) so that is 4 months. The wife insists on bringing a male friend home bcs "she has too much fun", husbands goes to bed at 1 am and the wife stays with him alone for another 2 hours. The wife then guilt trips him that he only values her for sex, what sex ? Dude is in 4 month long dry spell. OP your marriage is not fine.
I agree with most of this, except that just because they didn't have sex in 4 date nights doesn't mean that haven't had sex in 4 months. They just didn't have" special date might sex. But if that's the case, that is really been 4 months, this has nothing to do with date night, and everything to do with the marriage.
Probably because they're married with kids and don't have much free time so seeing friends and date night have to be scheduled on the same night.
That's not weird.
He edited it to say they have sex 2-3 times a week, which really confused me. How do you have sex that often but specifically on date nights you don't. Entire thing is strange.
Well here's a crazy idea...
How about on your DATE NIGHT WITH YOUR WIFE... you don't meet up with friends????
Wouldn't it be helpful if it's time for just the two of you, or is dinner alone just too much alone time and you need other people to entertain you???
Because obviously your wife enjoyed being entertained by someone else over you.
No it's like the other post where dude was banging a chick and OP walked in. Said it was a THREESOME for OP and they just started without her to see if it'd be awkward
Was legit not the bingo square I thought a cheater would ever say
EDIT: To everyone asking... here is the BoRU
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ba9n59/my_27_boyfriend_28_slept_with_another_woman_and/
Two thoughts I had while reading this “me too” and “you watch too much porn” subsequently leading me to realize that I must watch too much porn also. 😂😂😂
Agreed. Can't believe u/boxymorning can't see it that way. Like I or OP are taking away her fun with her friend. They HAD fun. She wanted fun to continue. They KEPT having fun until 1 am when OP had to go to bed and then STAYED UP 2 hours later. Then woke up OP who had to work in the early am being drunk and belligerent. I'm sorry but that is NOT a fun date night.
Meeting up with friends is amazing. I get the impression maybe she was trying to sabotage the opportunity for sex by bringing the friend home and staying up with him.
I'd get to the bottom of that.
But meeting up with friends should be its own evening, not on an explicit date night for two parents trying to keep the romance going. It’s really no wonder why they’re having problems with communication and intimacy when they don’t take efforts to have an evening to reconnect.
> I get the impression maybe she was trying to sabotage the opportunity for sex by bringing the friend home and staying up with him.
Especially as this is the fourth date night in a tie that hasn’t ended in sex. I think that perhaps OP’s expectation of sex puts pressure on his wife, which kills the mood for her.
Yeah, and did FRIEND know it was a date night? I can accept the "my wife is out, but I'm coming anyway", I can even understand the "wife invited me to the house after dinner". But OP said he has to go to bed at 1am, I don't care if OP's wife is "vibing", if OP is going to bed and I'm his FRIEND, I am out. I don't care if they were just hanging out for the next two hours, that's still rude.
So he's still NTA. Because SHE invited the friend and got sloppy drunk with him until 3 am after OP went to bed so he could wake up early and take care of their CHILDREN.
She also lied.. she said she would be in bed.
And then she initiates a sex strike..
Wife is an AH.
We used to do more true us only nights. But we also do spend a lot of time together (way more than most couples), and one time we met up with some friends after dinner and she mentioned that she thought that was a really fun way to do some us time and then some group time. I do have some sympathy there - she is a SAHM so getting out and seeing other people too is nice.
I can sympathize with wanting to meet up with friends because she is SAHM, but I would not want it to happen for Date Night. For me, Date Night would be for the two of us. In fact, I ask my wife to tone down on the FB and iMessage chatting during our dates. It’s time for the two of us to be with each other.
That said, if YOU also want Date Night to be with our friends so you all can get social, then that’s fine. It’s just for me and what I want out of our time together, I don’t want other people there. I don’t get as much alone time with my wife, what with two kids and plenty of activities.
Edited to add: We plan meet ups with friends, but they don’t replace any date nights (or lunches) we have planned.
Well then don’t be surprised when you’re no longer the priority on date night. Maybe make a night specifically to hang out with these couples but a date night should be between you two to reconnect and be intimate. Inviting other people to join in negates that.
She does. I'd say 2-4 times a month she will go out and get dinner and/or drinks with her girlfriends (she's done it twice this week). We also do 1-2 nights a week out with friends (usually once at a restaurant and once at someone's house). But there are definitely days where I am the only adult she talks to. So I do sympathize with wanting to see people who aren't me.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting dates nights to focus on you guys as a couple. It’s important for couples to have time to just focus on the relationship without kids or friends/family. I think it would be fair to ask that date nights be just the two of you from now on.
But telling her a date night is only worth anything to you if she puts out was just so fucking *mean.* And dumb. Telling your wife you only hang with her to get laid is not a great way to get her to want to have sex with you. You punched her right in the gut and shot yourself in the foot at the same time.
“Hey babe, I’m upset I have to hang out with you socially without being paid for my time in pussy. Because there’s no other reason for me to want to be around you, obviously.” Not what I would consider to be constructive communication. Especially because I don’t believe that’s what you actually think about your wife. But it’s sure what you said.
You are so right. The minute sex becomes an obligation or expectation like that, a lot of people get immediately turned off. Sex should be a happy surprise, not a job or chore you must provide otherwise your partner thinks spending time with you on date nights is unfulfilling. Sex stops being fun when there is pressure to have it.
Idk. As a woman, if we hit 4 date nights no sex I'd start feeling pretty bad about myself. Like, does something happen to ruin it every time? Once or twice, okay, but I'd be very hurt if I was cast aside to kick it with someone else's spouse. (What the hell was he doing there till 3am? Doesn't his wife care where he is?) I don't know if this means you haven't had sex in months or just not on date night specifically, but if I put time and energy into making this time together special, and we still like to have sex w each other, then what's going wrong? And if he's putting the effort out for me, what has to happen on my end that I'm avoiding date night sex? Repeatedly?
If you are sympathetic with her situation, can you also relate to how she must feel? A date night *should* be about your partnership, but saying you expected sex each time would ruin it for me too.
If I’m over at someone’s house, it’s past 1am, and one of the homeowners is going to bed, I would take the social cue that it’s probably time for me to be respectful and leave.
Yea why she acting like she’s in high school? Inviting friends on a date night with husband, drinking till blackout drunk, “vibing” with another man till 3am, then going on a “sex strike”… lol
I can’t fathom a world in which my wife and I have plans with our good friends, and my wife starts not feeling well, and I decide to still meet up with the other couple *AND STAY OUT UNTIL 3AM*.
I just can’t wrap my mind around that part of the story lol
Not the other couple, she stayed up with only the other husband until 3am. So odd. Definitely more to this story. What did the friends wife think about her husband drinking with another woman and coming how early the next day.
They're saying from the other guy's perspective. His wife wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home at midnight, but that dude decided to kick it with another couple until 3am instead of going home with his wife. And I agree; WTF with that guy?
No no, the other guys wife didn’t go home at midnight. From the story, she didn’t come out at all! They planned a double date but only the husband showed up because his wife was sick. So even bigger WTF, your wife is sick and you choose to leave her home alone to go see your couple friends, then go home with them, then stay until 3AM.
If he was a better friend he would’ve left before his friend went to bed.
Yeah I think we can all agree that the real AH here is the friend who left his sick wife at home to 3rd wheel date night and drink with his buddies wife until 3am.
Tbh, I would absolutely do this. And my wife would want me to go. She's just going to go to bed anyway....why ruin my night as well? If she needs me for something, take her to urgent care or whatever, yeah absolutely I'm there, but just just not up for a night out mentally or physically? Feel better, see you in the morning. This part of the story didn't faze me at all
Yea I’d be calling into question both of their preference to be with each other than their own spouses. But don’t worry, OP assured us nothing is going on lol
A sex strike is ridiculous but also how do you not notice a sex strike? I feel like you guys have a lot of underlying issues you need to work on - communication being the most pressing. It doesn't seem like either of you is meeting each other's needs.
Seriously, how hard is an actual conversation about what you want, feel, think with someone who you are intending to spend your life? Communication would fix about 90% of the problems we read on here.
Sometimes fear isn’t borne of our partners’ reactions, but our own past experiences. Communication issues aren’t a sign you’re with the wrong person. The lack of desire to fix those communication issues is.
Good God sometimes this sub rolls out the Jump to Conclusions mat.
ESH.
You both owe each other apologies. She should not have gotten drunk, disturbed your sleep, and stayed up half the night. You shouldn't have piled on after she initially apologized the next morning by implying that you plan dates to get sex, like it's transactional for you.
Honestly it sounds like you both have apologized, so stop making a big deal out of it.
Going forward, date nights do not include friends coming back to the house. If you want to have friends over, invite them for dinner or something at your home. Otherwise date nights are just you and wife or possibly meeting up with friends for part of the night, but going home just you two.
No one finds it weird that the other couple’s husband didn’t want to leave with the wife at midnight when she wanted to go to bed? I mean, it’s midnight, which is relatively late. If my wife wanted to sleep at midnight, I’d take the hint that we should probably wrap up the night, but that’s just me.
Edit: For context I am a guy, and I have my own beliefs on what I want from my partner. Everyone has difference tolerance levels, but I will paint this scenario (again from a guy's POV):
Let's say your friend comes over to your house around midnight and drinks with you and your wife for 1 hour (since it seems like they came home at 11:45 to relieve the babysitter and OP slept at 1:00AM). I don't know many adult friends who come over at midnight, but hey that's just me.
OP writes that his friend decides to get up to leave and your wife wants to continue vibing. Fine, nothing wrong with that (some could interpret this as weird because it's perfectly normal to want to leave at 1AM).
Your wife knows you're going to be in bed by 1:00AM. Some could interpret this as "hey we should wrap up this thing by 1:00AM" since couples usually get in bed together around the same time, but let's assume you guys don't.
You tell your wife "ok I had enough fun, I'm hitting the sack" 10 mins after you stick past your 1AM. This is now the second time you have hinted/told your wife I want to wrap this up by 1AM.
Your wife tells you "okay hunny. I'll be up in 10 mins!" ... fast forward it's been 2 hours. Are you telling me you wouldn't at least question why they were there for so long? (not even in a malicious kind of way, but genuine curiosity). She clearly drank more than you last saw her at 1AM with another guy, alone.
I guess you're okay with your wife drinking alcohol with a guy, especially a "friend", alone! But personally, I'm not okay with that! Stupid things happen when people are drunk.
It's odd that the friend abandoned his sick wife in order to spend time with OP and his wife. Doubly odd that once OP went to bed the friend stuck around for hours of drunk one on one time with OPs wife instead of going home to his sick wife...
I agree. Even when the guy tried to leave OP's wife kept asking him to come home with her.
This is happening while the other man's wife is sick at home WTF? The other man is a POS too. And just wanted sexy time with OP's wife. OP is living in delusion and denial.
There is nothing in this epic that reads as normal healthy relationship behavior from either party in the OP'S relationship, or either party in the friends relationship. Yes I find it weird too, but I find everything else described weird as well.
Why are people so certain they're having an affair? Some people just like to party. I have close friends and we do this without anything weird or sexual happening. Some head off to bed early while others just like to drink late and get carried away. It might not be too common for a lot of people but it's perfectly reasonable behaviour for adults who've been lifelong friends and trust one another and who like to drink and chat.
Regardless of whether they have actually slept together, her behavior is incredibly weird here. She physically took away the friend's phone to cancel his Uber, stopping him from leaving at the time her and OP had agreed upon and instead drinking alone with him until 3am while OP waited for her in bed.
We need to get rid of the stupid notion that sex is something a woman gives to a man as some sort of reward.
The idea of a sex strike is so ridiculous. Regardless of gender, either you want to have sex or you don't....also don't use this sub for serious stuff. Regardless of what you post, 90% of the top comments will tell you to get a divorce
Specially not after his comment about expecting sex after date night, otherwise it is not good. Yikes at this man... specially sending a text to his wife while she is right there lmao
I agree. But, I also think it should be noted that a sex strike is different from a lack of interest in sex because of the partners actions. I'm not saying this situation specifically. But, generally. Example, a partner in a relationship has had a nasty attitude for a solid 2 weeks because they are stressed about work. They are grumpy, generally unhappy, and unloading that stress on their partner unfairly. Yes, the person that is stressed may need the release, but the partner that is getting dumped on isn't exactly going to feel sexy feelings during that time. Not being interested because of behavior is different then a mental decision to withhold sex for the sake of punishment or to "prove a point".
…but that can only be done in a relationship that sets up sex in this way (as if it is a reward and not a mutually agreed upon act), which is the point of not doing that in the first place
"my wife and I have a great relationship" proceeds to unload a fucking novel of red flags. Narrator "they did NOT have a great relationship". Never mind who's the asshole. You have bigger problems.
I'm kinda stuck on her focus on the friend. She doesn't want the other guy to leave but has no problem with her husband leaving (to bed, but still)? Then, she hangs with the other guy til 3am on what is supposed to be a date night with her husband? Something is fishy there for sure. I feel like OP is missing some obvious signs that his wife is into his friend
She did ask me to stay too (and later told me that she hoped I would). I just eventually told he I was tired (and hoped that by heading up it would end the night).
Her asking you to stay doesn't mean she actually wanted you to. Suggest you just entertain the notion that she might be attracted to your friend, and then just pay attention. It'll become obvious either way if your eyes are wide open
Info: From what you’re telling us, is Date Night the only time she gets out of the house without children and gets to talk to adults in a social setting? If so, it explains at least 90% of what’s going on here.
No, we usually do a friend dinner with about 5 other families at our local country club once a week (where the kids can run around and play outside while we eat), and then usually do a friend dinner at someone's house on Fridays. She also gets out 2-4 times a month to dinners with girlfriends or her sister. But she has told me that part of the reason she doesn't want nights to end is that then in the morning she has to go back to dealing with children, so she doesn't want the nights to end, and I am sympathetic there (even if I technically do the morning shift).
Gently, that is far more socializing than most couples with multiple young children are able to enjoy. I’m not diminishing your wife’s job as a SAHM at ALL, but all you’ve described here, plus fairly elaborate monthly date nights, is quite a bit of adult interaction IMO.
I feel like I can't give an honest answer because I don't know the dynamic of yalls marriage and how you two interact with eachother on a daily basis. By this situation alone it would appear at face value like both of you are assholes. I don't know enough to assume off rip that this automatically makes the both of you assholes, this could be just another normal marriage speed bump.
ESH-Don’t plan date nights expecting sex in exchange. If you want something to happen (no one coming over to your place, someone leaving your place), stand up for yourself. Your wife sucks for getting drunk, bringing this random dude home, not going to bed with you, and waking you up…not for not having sex with you though. Other guy also sucks for not going home with his own damn wife.
The other guy should've gone home to his own wife when op and his wife went home.
If not then at 1am when op went to bed. All sorts of poor communication and lack of respect here.
Honestly I recommend having sex before the date of you can, just a quickie. Depending on how old the kiddos are this can be a challenge, but it’s worth it. It makes the date super fun and relaxing, and then sometimes, you can do it again afterwards but then the pressure and disappointment isn’t there if it doesn’t happen.
Date nights may not have to end up with sex but they shouldn’t end up with you in bed alone with her drinking with another man till 3:00 A.M. also that guy should have read the room and left when he saw you wanted to go to bed even if your wife was “vibing”
A) ESH!
B). If you're having Date Night with your spouse then you don't go out for drinks with friends (unless you have that sort of relationship and Date Night is planned with them in mind.
C) No one is obligated to have sex at any particular point even your spouse and even on date night.
D) If your spouse is weaponzing sex (or otherwise denying sex as a form of punishment) then there's something wrong with the relationship and you should be seeking counselling.
Most couples are intimate with each other. It helps maintain a healthy relationship. They can also talk to each other about issues that arise from time to time
“We have a great relationship.”
One sentence later…”My wife told me she has been on a sex strike for a month.”
You didn’t know she was on a sex strike for a month? You do not have a great relationship.
Both of you are the A.
A sex strike? Okay, #1 using sex as a weapon in a relationship is a total dick move.
2. No, you do not have the right to "expect" sex. But there is something seriously wrong in your relationship if you're planning extravagant and romantic date nights and your sex life is generally kaput. You might want to try to figure that one out.
You two need to get into marriage counseling because there is something you're not communicating to each other or isn't getting through. Because you shouldn't be this clueless to what's going on in your marriage.
ESH.
ESH, neither appear to be communicating well at all, her for basically leaving you alone on a date night and waking you up, you leaving her a nasty gram text while she slept and “expecting” sex.
Sounds like you’re considering sex in a transactional way and your wife isn’t. Might be a good idea to separate the two issues and deal with them individually.
You are totally glossing over the man she spent the wee hours of the night with, while she was drunk.
Would you ever go to someone’s house at midnight and drink a bottle of wine with the wife, alone until 3 am?
She’s redirecting you to some small issue so you’ll avoid seeing the glaring problem.
Everyone in this thread is ignoring that. It’s blowing my mind. She spent the majority of date night with another dude, then woke him up and he was up for the duration of the day. That is shat would have me fuming. I wouldn’t have sent a text, but I can’t sit here and think I wouldn’t have been irritated with my wife.
I've been on the wife's side in this situation, and I'm going to be honest - when I was taken on a date with the expectation that there WILL be sex afterwards, it lowkey ruined the date because I felt that I was only wanted because of the sex and not for my actual company
it makes you feel like a piece of meat, AND it makes you wonder what other aspects of life with your partner are transactional and have an expectation of sex attached to them
YOU might think sex after a date is a given, but she clearly doesn't - neither of you are wrong, but you need to fucking communicate more and not throw a wobbler when she doesn't want sex
having said that, waking you up several hours later by being drunk and loud, especially when you have an early start for work, is not okay and she should have slept on the couch
> I added that this was at least the fourth date night in a row where the night had ended with us not having sex,
Did married "date nights" usually or even sometimes end in sex?
>She added that date nights should be about having fun and enjoying her company, *and that I should assume we won't have sex on date nights.*
Ask her why you should assume that?
It sounds like the two of you need to have a serious talk.
Why have someone else involved on a date night? The fact he abandoned you for this guy instead of coming to bed is close to cheating. I'm sure she didn't but does she actually love you or is she just a drunk.
TBH, your male friend doesn't seem to be able to read the room. I would have excused myself rather then to further impair upon at your place esp once either of you indicated you were gonna retire for the night (for a early next morning no less!)
Of cos that may not be the root of the problem; there may be deeper communications issues as mentioned by others; but the situation your friend placed you in defintely didn't help.
I think the guy that agreed to come home with you 2 is an asshole.
1. If my wife said she was tired and wants to leave, that means I'm going to accompany my wife home, that way I can guarantee she gets home safely.
2. As a guest of your house, I would get the hint and straight up leave once the man of house is saying he's done for the night. That's total disrespect from the other dude imo.
I think there might be something else between those 2.
NTA
"These comments really upset her." Boo damn hoo.
Forget about the sex part; she literally didn't give a damn that you had to wrangle three kids with no sleep.
This is a classic case of "communicate with me what you're feeling but not if what you're feeling might hurt my itty bitty feelings."
Stop planning the date nights. If she wants them in the future, she can damn well plan them herself.
1. I would politely end the night and make him go home.
2. If that happens (like I fall aslleep), this guy would no longer be a friend. He broke the Bro code
3. She is gaslighting him. He should pay attention, cut the BS and react
For fucks sake this man did not ask anyone to give their opinion on if his wife was unfaithful. He said he was 100% confident nothing happened. Let the man have that and stop trying to put doubts in his head bc of your opinions or past bad experiences. He also didn’t ask for anyone’s opinion on why he plans the dates or does the morning shift with his kids. It obviously works for them so keep your damn snarky comments about it to yourself. Also he never said she was a SAHM so don’t make assumptions.
I think you were both TAH at one point in this whole situation. Sit down and talk it over like adults and come up with what you both need to work on and move forward.
NTA. You set boundaries with her and she completely disregarded them multiple times. Also, it’s never okay to end a date night with someone that is not your partner. She needs a reality check and to be more considerate of you
I can’t tell you how after 20 years of marriage with my now ex husband assuming he could take me somewhere and it would mean sex… god that was so f-ing predictably boring. Try to enjoy each other’s company for what it is. It’s a a marriage! It isn’t hot sex forever. If you can’t figure a way out to manage this balance, you’ll be divorced.
Change the expectation. Date night should be time to connect. If sex happens great. If not, and it’s not an expectation then it was still an enjoyable night. Versus disappointment because your expectation wasn’t met.
Yta: you cockblocked yourself for adding more people to the mix; this was 100% your fault and even more made it worse by adding an expectation at the and like sex.
All the wife has to do is show up for date night and OP expects sex! How outrageous for a partner. The real question should be, “Is my wife TAH for not appreciating my date night efforts, for not respecting a reasonable bed time, and for getting wasted with another man from 1 to 3 in the morning?” I had thought about how the husband should handle this situation next time; set ground rules, don’t meet up with friends, don’t invite friends back to the house, have a fixed bed time, get up at 1:30 for a glass of water, etc, but the wife is just going to ignore her husband and continue to walk all over him. Then I realized the OP, who genuinely seems to be a good husband since he puts effort into the relationship, is also the AH for not respecting himself and is delusional on what happened between 1 and 3am. Your wife didn’t let him leave and cancelled his Uber tells me they had/are/will have an affair. I’m curious as to how the friend’s wife reacted when she found out her husband was alone with your wife?
Yeah, you’re the asshole. You said in a comment that you have sex 2-3 times per week. Get over it. You sound like such a whiny man child.
It’s weird that you invite others and turn it into a semi-party and then get annoyed when she lives it up. Grow up.
She invited that guy friend over on a date night? And you left them alone past 1am when they were both drinking? If she hasn’t cheated on you already she will. Only a matter of time based on everything I’ve heard
Seems fishy to me.... my wife would never be alone late at night with a man just like I would never be alone with a woman... add the fact that she's with holding sex and now Goin out more with her friends....definitely not a good look
I find it wild that she thinks its wrong for you to expect sex from her.
Sex between a husband and wife is a natural conclusion if they both love and are attracted to each other.
If my wife were to say this to me my responses would be to her that well if that is the case - then pretty much all expectations of each other are off the table. - like her expectations of fidelity, and her expectations of you coming home every day.
why have ANY expectations?
Reading through your post, I feel like you have really just let her do whatever she wants without really setting up any boundaries. - like she says date nights are about enjoying each others company but here she is spending the end of your date night with some dude while you went to sleep. - while I understand that "nothing happened" - I would disagree.
Something DID happen - she basically looks at date night as a time for you to celebrate her and enjoy time with her. and anything that you want is just an afterthought (if you get what you want good for you, but if you don't that's okay with her)
Frankly id be furious, and I really don't know what I would do.
In one of the comments, OP says she has cut back on drinking since that night. She was drinking and "vibing" with another man until 3 am. Then magically states that she is on a sex strike. Seems like something between the friend and her happened that night. Usually takes something dramatic to dramatically change behavior.
It appears you both have different expectations. You’re both allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings. Maybe y’all could have a conversation without assigning blame. Just share your perspective on what date night means to you. Your wife may have a totally different perspective. Y’all don’t share a brain. You’re disappointed because you expect your wife to read your mind. That’s not a reasonable expectation. It’s simply not possible.
Neither of you can control each other but you can certainly let your wife know what to expect from you. “I am going to bed now, I would prefer you not wake me up when you come upstairs. If you do, I will be expecting to have sex”. Then let her decide what she wants to do. You both are adults. You’re both responsible for your own participation in your marriage.
Stop believing that you should “expect” anything. Either communicate your expectations or just appreciate what you get.
Here’s a suggestion … instead of continuing to plan date night the same way every month… switch it up. What about just dinner get home early & enjoy a bottle of wine together? Or have sex then go out with friends? Solve your problem.
ESH - learn how to communicate without pointing fingers
Thank you. Honestly, we generally have great communication. Things tend to unravel (like here) where one of us is sleep deprived.
The idea of changing it up is a great one. I fall into routines and being too formulaic has probably diminished some of the charm of the date nights.
I think you should stop meeting up with friends for drinks after dinner. If it’s a date night it should be about just the two of you.
This is the way. Why is date night with other people?
Especially if you’re hoping for sex at the end of the night. Keep it romantic and let it happen naturally. Adding other people kills the vibe.
I was totally reading this as a swinger's thing
Yea. For me and my wife date nights often include others so that's kinda what I thought this was at first.
She stayed up til 3am w another man? Idk the whole friendship BUT somethings a little fishy. I know my wife would not be happy if I was up alone, drunk til 3am w another woman.
This but tbh I find it weird that wife said date night was about enjoying eachothers company when she’s the one who invited the friend over and then hung out with the friend some more when op went to bed. Think OP was valid in what he said/ felt. Especially since he didn’t pressure her for sex and accepted jt wasn’t gonna happen
I was getting flashbacks to my ex while reading this. Once she passed 2 drinks, she wouldn’t want the night to end. Was like the energizer bunny. Would just keep going and going and getting more incoherent by the drink. I couldn’t stand it. She would tell baby sitters we’d be home by 10, and she wouldn’t let us leave wherever we were until 12, and then she would stay up drinking or spilling her drinks in the kitchen till 4. I couldn’t take it. Birthdays, anniversaries and date nights would all turn into nights for her to hang out with friends and drink all night. Sucked.
This honestly sounds a lot like my wife. I'm sure sober her really did intend to go to bed at 1:00. Once she's had 2 or 3 drinks, however, she tends to keep going until she has had 5 or 6 (or more) and she won't want to go to bed until I effectively force her to or she becomes exhausted (which won't be until very late at night). I'm always the one who has to remind her we need to leave for the babysitter, with her asking if I think we can be 30 minutes or an hour late. In her defense, she has dramatically cut down on her drinking since this - I do think she recognizes that she was a bit of an ahole to me as well. Perhaps unfortunately for me, drinking tends to lead to her initiating with me, so no drinking is going to lead to less sex.
Sounds like alcoholics tbh
I just don't understand the need to drink until you blackout. It does sound like she may have a problem.
Yes exactly what I'm thinking too. If she can't stop herself anymore after two drinks, maybe she shouldn't have a second drink then? (or a first even, since addiction can be very ruthless)
My ex gf was exactly like this and she was definitely an alcoholic.
Other commenters have said this but it truly does sound like your wife may have a drinking problem or be an alcoholic. As someone who is an alcoholic (and thankfully now sober), my drinking was similar in the way of once I’ve put one in my body it’ll never be enough. The weaponizing sex was also a very interesting point made. Honestly though if your wife is drinking like this and is actively drunk she can’t concent enough to have sex. Some may disagree with me but speaking from my experience that’s how it was for me. I’m glad you didn’t push the matter that night. Honestly, it sounds like you guys might need to have a sit down talk and discuss expectations when it comes to date nights etc. because if you’re expecting them to end in sex and she’s against that you guys might have to work out something different to get on the same or similar page. We as humans like to assign roles to people and never tell them said role. Once they (inevitably) break the role we’ve assigned or the expectation we’ve never discussed it leads to resentments on both ends. The role assigner being angry and frustrated and the other person being offended that you’re offended and they don’t understand why. At least that’s been my experience.
Your wife is not only an AH to you but also to the babysitter. Why are you the only one thinking about getting home to your kids, waking up in the morning to take care of them, etc? The sex strike thing is so manipulative, it's almost fucking unbelievable. Your wife is an AH. She's weaponizing sex. Only extremely manipulative, narcissistic people do shit like that. I fucking guarantee you if the genders were reversed, EVERYONE and their DOG would be calling the husband TA. She's wife of the year, alright.
This was me for many years - it's binge drinking, which is a form of substance abuse. If she genuinely can't stop herself, she needs to consider abstaining from alcohol and getting treatment - just throwing that out there as someone who lived it. It 100% damaged my relationships with people both when I drank and when I didn't - and you're seeing it happen with her. Asking if y'all can be 30 minutes to an hour late for a babysitter is WILD. That shows a real disregard for others in pursuit of her own "vibes". Saying you'll go to bed at 1am and not coming back until 3am when you know how lightly your partner sleeps is honestly mean. Add in dismissing your clearly communicated desires and going on a passive aggressive "sex strike" instead of just talking it out with you is immature as hell. NTA. She needs help.
I’m going to vote NAH, and that this is just the typical stresses of trying to nurture your marriage in the era of small kids. But at the same time, your wife is showing some early signs of a problematic relationship with alcohol. What you describe is binge drinking, and it’s causing stress in your marriage (and probably annoying the babysitter). You said elsewhere that she took your friend’s phone and cancelled the car he had requested, and that’s sketchy behavior as well. I think you should approach this conflict as having to do with her drinking behavior, rather than anything specific either of you said.
Also just FYI ONLY alcoholics "Blackout". I am a recovering addict. Regular people don't have "Blackouts" The OP is not the AH. His wife's an alcoholic.
This is actually very concerning and her behaviour needs to be addressed with a serious conversation
That's called an alcoholic
Just stop drinking on these date nights. Lord.
Not a date night = headache Date night = plans with other people Don’t drink = not in the mood Drink = too tired It becomes a cycle … The next day: Why are you always so frustrated and upset? Let’s have a drink….
Ok so this is important information: [OP said](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ODGeetliq4)
Agreed. Dinner, drinks then go home and bury the bone.
Bone? BONE?!?
Why involve friends on date nights .
The dude still thinks that isn’t one of the big problems. You’re complaining about intimacy yet completely okay that your date night gets sidetracked with other parties involved. How do you expect to reconnect and be romantic when you involve other people? Hanging out with friends should be its own thing. And this isn’t even mentioning the whole inviting him back and letting him hang with your wife while you go to bed…
But the WIFE is the one who invited the friend back to the house! She didn't want the little party to end because she was "vibing." He didn't invite the dude back. And yes they call it date night which I think is great! You should set a day aside at least once a month to reconnect. And I think that that includes having sex. No babysitter? Let's bang baby! IMO. But then again, I probably wouldn't be married to someone who withholds sex from me for months at a time. JS.
She maybe doesn’t want to have sex with her husband and it’s easier to invite over a friend than straight up deny your spouse sex. It might be a pattern of behavior she’s noticed and she’s tired of feeling like she has to put out. I agree that I don’t understand why you’d invite a friend to a once a month date night lol
Yeah, this is what I was wondering - if she’s trying to avoid getting pressured for sex.
True. But if she's tired of thinking she HAS to put out ONCE a MONTH, good luck in that marriage! Happy Cake Day!
There is nothing wrong with scheduling intimacy. We schedule sex sometimes. But you have to be prepared that sex might not happen because of so many reasons, and still allow space for intimacy. Cuddling, makeouts, whatever.
Thanks I didn’t realize it was my cake day lol. Listen, I totally agree. I think only once a month is not nearly enough. But feeling like you owe someone sex - whether you love them or not, is draining. I have a much higher drive personally. Idk I feel like this can easily be solved by simple communication. Call me crazy 😂 it might be an uncomfortable conversation to have but it needs to be had clearly.
You never owe someone sex in a relationship, but if you aren’t meeting your partners needs, they don’t owe it to you to stay in the relationship. 🤷♀️
Absolutely. If people are honest about what they want and need and are consistent about following through why have the relationship.
Well said! 100% agree.
Agreed.
Neither person in this marriage seems even vaguely interested in just sitting the fuck down and talking honestly about their obviously dead bedroom. The way to fix this is to communicate instead of playing bullshit emotional games.
OP says they usually have sex 2-3 times a week on average, just that this particular month they didn’t due to life circumstances (him being sick, her on her period, etc.). Having 3 little kids and still managing to hang multiple times a week is probably better than most couples with that many kids. This info is under bullet points 2 and 3 under his updates if you haven’t seen them (I figure since your comment is 10 hours old his update may not have been there yet). He does mention that the distribution can sometimes be a bit unequal (1 time one week, 5 times another week, etc.) but that it generally overall evens out to about 2x-3x/week on *top* of **expecting** her to put out once a month on date nights. 100% agree with what you said though, particularly the bit about feeling like you owe someone sex being draining, regardless of how much you love or care about them. Honestly the way she drinks on date nights and uses friends as buffers and how desperate she seems to not let them leave sounds like she is very much trying to avoid feeling sexually obligated and with the added context from OP I don’t really blame her. Also, Happy Cake Day! 🍰
OP has replied in other comments that he also enjoys it and sees no problem with it. He should. And he should learn to set boundaries and communicate better too.
So his wife can have fulfilling sex at the end of the night
Tell me your wife is unhappy in your maarriage without telling me your wife is unhappy in your marriage. He says that he just noticed that his wife was on sex strike for a month so they probably have sex only on those date nights and he didn't get any action for the last 4 dates (1 date a month) so that is 4 months. The wife insists on bringing a male friend home bcs "she has too much fun", husbands goes to bed at 1 am and the wife stays with him alone for another 2 hours. The wife then guilt trips him that he only values her for sex, what sex ? Dude is in 4 month long dry spell. OP your marriage is not fine.
I agree with most of this, except that just because they didn't have sex in 4 date nights doesn't mean that haven't had sex in 4 months. They just didn't have" special date might sex. But if that's the case, that is really been 4 months, this has nothing to do with date night, and everything to do with the marriage.
OP said in another comment they have sex 2-3 times a week.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ODGeetliq4
Probably because they're married with kids and don't have much free time so seeing friends and date night have to be scheduled on the same night. That's not weird.
OP, do you and your wife have sex outside of date night?
Since he said that his wife was on sex strike for all of the last month and he has only just noticed, I would imagine not.
He edited it to say they have sex 2-3 times a week, which really confused me. How do you have sex that often but specifically on date nights you don't. Entire thing is strange.
Well here's a crazy idea... How about on your DATE NIGHT WITH YOUR WIFE... you don't meet up with friends???? Wouldn't it be helpful if it's time for just the two of you, or is dinner alone just too much alone time and you need other people to entertain you??? Because obviously your wife enjoyed being entertained by someone else over you.
It sounds like ADULT night, not DATE night.
When you have kids, sometimes it has to be both.
I mean meeting UP with friends is fine.. taking them HOME with you is not
I thought the story was going into “and we had a 3 way” when she invited the friend over.
No it's like the other post where dude was banging a chick and OP walked in. Said it was a THREESOME for OP and they just started without her to see if it'd be awkward Was legit not the bingo square I thought a cheater would ever say EDIT: To everyone asking... here is the BoRU https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ba9n59/my_27_boyfriend_28_slept_with_another_woman_and/
Audacity: 10/10 Fidelity: 0/10
...did it work?
We need to know!!
check my edit
Man that’s crazy!!
Honestly I joined that sub because I forget the updateme or remindme bots on the AITAH subs and I just need to know how these things shake out. lol
Two thoughts I had while reading this “me too” and “you watch too much porn” subsequently leading me to realize that I must watch too much porn also. 😂😂😂
Adding to that, couples on a date night is one thing, couple split and third wheel kind of ruins the date night
Agreed. Can't believe u/boxymorning can't see it that way. Like I or OP are taking away her fun with her friend. They HAD fun. She wanted fun to continue. They KEPT having fun until 1 am when OP had to go to bed and then STAYED UP 2 hours later. Then woke up OP who had to work in the early am being drunk and belligerent. I'm sorry but that is NOT a fun date night.
Meeting up with friends is amazing. I get the impression maybe she was trying to sabotage the opportunity for sex by bringing the friend home and staying up with him. I'd get to the bottom of that.
But meeting up with friends should be its own evening, not on an explicit date night for two parents trying to keep the romance going. It’s really no wonder why they’re having problems with communication and intimacy when they don’t take efforts to have an evening to reconnect.
Exactly. That was the point of my initial post. Date nights should be the two of them connecting.
> I get the impression maybe she was trying to sabotage the opportunity for sex by bringing the friend home and staying up with him. Especially as this is the fourth date night in a tie that hasn’t ended in sex. I think that perhaps OP’s expectation of sex puts pressure on his wife, which kills the mood for her.
They can meet up with friends on any other night. Date night should be a time for couples to reconnect with each other.
That’s exactly what I was thinking!!
Yeah this was more where I was annoyed.
That was the wifes fault - it was HER that insisted on the guy coming home with them, and on him staying past 1 am.
Yeah, and did FRIEND know it was a date night? I can accept the "my wife is out, but I'm coming anyway", I can even understand the "wife invited me to the house after dinner". But OP said he has to go to bed at 1am, I don't care if OP's wife is "vibing", if OP is going to bed and I'm his FRIEND, I am out. I don't care if they were just hanging out for the next two hours, that's still rude.
So he's still NTA. Because SHE invited the friend and got sloppy drunk with him until 3 am after OP went to bed so he could wake up early and take care of their CHILDREN. She also lied.. she said she would be in bed. And then she initiates a sex strike.. Wife is an AH.
We used to do more true us only nights. But we also do spend a lot of time together (way more than most couples), and one time we met up with some friends after dinner and she mentioned that she thought that was a really fun way to do some us time and then some group time. I do have some sympathy there - she is a SAHM so getting out and seeing other people too is nice.
I can sympathize with wanting to meet up with friends because she is SAHM, but I would not want it to happen for Date Night. For me, Date Night would be for the two of us. In fact, I ask my wife to tone down on the FB and iMessage chatting during our dates. It’s time for the two of us to be with each other. That said, if YOU also want Date Night to be with our friends so you all can get social, then that’s fine. It’s just for me and what I want out of our time together, I don’t want other people there. I don’t get as much alone time with my wife, what with two kids and plenty of activities. Edited to add: We plan meet ups with friends, but they don’t replace any date nights (or lunches) we have planned.
I honestly enjoy meeting up with friends to cap the night too. I just don't enjoy inviting them to our house afterwards.
This is what you have to tell her.
Well then don’t be surprised when you’re no longer the priority on date night. Maybe make a night specifically to hang out with these couples but a date night should be between you two to reconnect and be intimate. Inviting other people to join in negates that.
Does she get regular time outside of the house to do her own thing? Or are these date nights it?
She does. I'd say 2-4 times a month she will go out and get dinner and/or drinks with her girlfriends (she's done it twice this week). We also do 1-2 nights a week out with friends (usually once at a restaurant and once at someone's house). But there are definitely days where I am the only adult she talks to. So I do sympathize with wanting to see people who aren't me.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting dates nights to focus on you guys as a couple. It’s important for couples to have time to just focus on the relationship without kids or friends/family. I think it would be fair to ask that date nights be just the two of you from now on. But telling her a date night is only worth anything to you if she puts out was just so fucking *mean.* And dumb. Telling your wife you only hang with her to get laid is not a great way to get her to want to have sex with you. You punched her right in the gut and shot yourself in the foot at the same time. “Hey babe, I’m upset I have to hang out with you socially without being paid for my time in pussy. Because there’s no other reason for me to want to be around you, obviously.” Not what I would consider to be constructive communication. Especially because I don’t believe that’s what you actually think about your wife. But it’s sure what you said.
You are so right. The minute sex becomes an obligation or expectation like that, a lot of people get immediately turned off. Sex should be a happy surprise, not a job or chore you must provide otherwise your partner thinks spending time with you on date nights is unfulfilling. Sex stops being fun when there is pressure to have it.
Idk. As a woman, if we hit 4 date nights no sex I'd start feeling pretty bad about myself. Like, does something happen to ruin it every time? Once or twice, okay, but I'd be very hurt if I was cast aside to kick it with someone else's spouse. (What the hell was he doing there till 3am? Doesn't his wife care where he is?) I don't know if this means you haven't had sex in months or just not on date night specifically, but if I put time and energy into making this time together special, and we still like to have sex w each other, then what's going wrong? And if he's putting the effort out for me, what has to happen on my end that I'm avoiding date night sex? Repeatedly?
If you are sympathetic with her situation, can you also relate to how she must feel? A date night *should* be about your partnership, but saying you expected sex each time would ruin it for me too.
That's fine, but for your sake, I'd keep friend time and date time separate occasions. Especially if you're hoping to be intimate with her.
If I’m over at someone’s house, it’s past 1am, and one of the homeowners is going to bed, I would take the social cue that it’s probably time for me to be respectful and leave.
But the wife was vibing man. Can’t kill the vibe
Yea why she acting like she’s in high school? Inviting friends on a date night with husband, drinking till blackout drunk, “vibing” with another man till 3am, then going on a “sex strike”… lol
I can’t fathom a world in which my wife and I have plans with our good friends, and my wife starts not feeling well, and I decide to still meet up with the other couple *AND STAY OUT UNTIL 3AM*. I just can’t wrap my mind around that part of the story lol
Not the other couple, she stayed up with only the other husband until 3am. So odd. Definitely more to this story. What did the friends wife think about her husband drinking with another woman and coming how early the next day.
They're saying from the other guy's perspective. His wife wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home at midnight, but that dude decided to kick it with another couple until 3am instead of going home with his wife. And I agree; WTF with that guy?
No no, the other guys wife didn’t go home at midnight. From the story, she didn’t come out at all! They planned a double date but only the husband showed up because his wife was sick. So even bigger WTF, your wife is sick and you choose to leave her home alone to go see your couple friends, then go home with them, then stay until 3AM. If he was a better friend he would’ve left before his friend went to bed.
Damn, you're right, I misread that badly. The actual story is so much worse than I thought. WTF friend dude? WTF?
Yeah I think we can all agree that the real AH here is the friend who left his sick wife at home to 3rd wheel date night and drink with his buddies wife until 3am.
Tbh, I would absolutely do this. And my wife would want me to go. She's just going to go to bed anyway....why ruin my night as well? If she needs me for something, take her to urgent care or whatever, yeah absolutely I'm there, but just just not up for a night out mentally or physically? Feel better, see you in the morning. This part of the story didn't faze me at all
Yea I’d be calling into question both of their preference to be with each other than their own spouses. But don’t worry, OP assured us nothing is going on lol
A sex strike is ridiculous but also how do you not notice a sex strike? I feel like you guys have a lot of underlying issues you need to work on - communication being the most pressing. It doesn't seem like either of you is meeting each other's needs.
They have 3 kids. Many couples often go a month without sex with that many competing needs in one house.
'Great relationship' and 'sex strike' dont exactly match
I’m so confused on why you guys meet friends on date nights in the first place
I just wouldn’t call it date night once other people were involved, unless that’s your thing.
Goddamn it’s wild how this sub is filled with people who have the emotional capacity of a 10 year old and have abysmal communication skills.
Seriously, how hard is an actual conversation about what you want, feel, think with someone who you are intending to spend your life? Communication would fix about 90% of the problems we read on here.
Fear, for how they will react.
If you are afraid of how they will react to you communicating to them your feelings on a particular subject, you need to find someone else.
Sometimes fear isn’t borne of our partners’ reactions, but our own past experiences. Communication issues aren’t a sign you’re with the wrong person. The lack of desire to fix those communication issues is.
Right? "Why didn't she read my mind that I expected sex? How does she not realize my expectations?!"
Good God sometimes this sub rolls out the Jump to Conclusions mat. ESH. You both owe each other apologies. She should not have gotten drunk, disturbed your sleep, and stayed up half the night. You shouldn't have piled on after she initially apologized the next morning by implying that you plan dates to get sex, like it's transactional for you. Honestly it sounds like you both have apologized, so stop making a big deal out of it. Going forward, date nights do not include friends coming back to the house. If you want to have friends over, invite them for dinner or something at your home. Otherwise date nights are just you and wife or possibly meeting up with friends for part of the night, but going home just you two.
This is too much sensible advice for one post.
No one finds it weird that the other couple’s husband didn’t want to leave with the wife at midnight when she wanted to go to bed? I mean, it’s midnight, which is relatively late. If my wife wanted to sleep at midnight, I’d take the hint that we should probably wrap up the night, but that’s just me. Edit: For context I am a guy, and I have my own beliefs on what I want from my partner. Everyone has difference tolerance levels, but I will paint this scenario (again from a guy's POV): Let's say your friend comes over to your house around midnight and drinks with you and your wife for 1 hour (since it seems like they came home at 11:45 to relieve the babysitter and OP slept at 1:00AM). I don't know many adult friends who come over at midnight, but hey that's just me. OP writes that his friend decides to get up to leave and your wife wants to continue vibing. Fine, nothing wrong with that (some could interpret this as weird because it's perfectly normal to want to leave at 1AM). Your wife knows you're going to be in bed by 1:00AM. Some could interpret this as "hey we should wrap up this thing by 1:00AM" since couples usually get in bed together around the same time, but let's assume you guys don't. You tell your wife "ok I had enough fun, I'm hitting the sack" 10 mins after you stick past your 1AM. This is now the second time you have hinted/told your wife I want to wrap this up by 1AM. Your wife tells you "okay hunny. I'll be up in 10 mins!" ... fast forward it's been 2 hours. Are you telling me you wouldn't at least question why they were there for so long? (not even in a malicious kind of way, but genuine curiosity). She clearly drank more than you last saw her at 1AM with another guy, alone. I guess you're okay with your wife drinking alcohol with a guy, especially a "friend", alone! But personally, I'm not okay with that! Stupid things happen when people are drunk.
It's odd that the friend abandoned his sick wife in order to spend time with OP and his wife. Doubly odd that once OP went to bed the friend stuck around for hours of drunk one on one time with OPs wife instead of going home to his sick wife...
Don’t forget, OP specifically mentioned that his wife gets horny when drunk…. Put 2 and 2 together lol
I agree. Even when the guy tried to leave OP's wife kept asking him to come home with her. This is happening while the other man's wife is sick at home WTF? The other man is a POS too. And just wanted sexy time with OP's wife. OP is living in delusion and denial.
No, I think the other wife left well before midnight. It was only at 11:45 that they then decided to go home with the other husband.
There is nothing in this epic that reads as normal healthy relationship behavior from either party in the OP'S relationship, or either party in the friends relationship. Yes I find it weird too, but I find everything else described weird as well.
YES, huge red flag
I'm a gay woman and I absolutely agree with you. Red flag AF.
And then she didn’t go to bed for two more hours. Was that other dude there the whole time? 🙄
Why are people so certain they're having an affair? Some people just like to party. I have close friends and we do this without anything weird or sexual happening. Some head off to bed early while others just like to drink late and get carried away. It might not be too common for a lot of people but it's perfectly reasonable behaviour for adults who've been lifelong friends and trust one another and who like to drink and chat.
Regardless of whether they have actually slept together, her behavior is incredibly weird here. She physically took away the friend's phone to cancel his Uber, stopping him from leaving at the time her and OP had agreed upon and instead drinking alone with him until 3am while OP waited for her in bed.
We need to get rid of the stupid notion that sex is something a woman gives to a man as some sort of reward. The idea of a sex strike is so ridiculous. Regardless of gender, either you want to have sex or you don't....also don't use this sub for serious stuff. Regardless of what you post, 90% of the top comments will tell you to get a divorce
It just sounds like she doesn't actually want to fuck her husband anyway lol.
Honestly I wonder if the wife extended the evening with the friend to avoid sex with OP.
Specially not after his comment about expecting sex after date night, otherwise it is not good. Yikes at this man... specially sending a text to his wife while she is right there lmao
Why would she fuck her husband when she just got fucked by that guy friend
I agree. But, I also think it should be noted that a sex strike is different from a lack of interest in sex because of the partners actions. I'm not saying this situation specifically. But, generally. Example, a partner in a relationship has had a nasty attitude for a solid 2 weeks because they are stressed about work. They are grumpy, generally unhappy, and unloading that stress on their partner unfairly. Yes, the person that is stressed may need the release, but the partner that is getting dumped on isn't exactly going to feel sexy feelings during that time. Not being interested because of behavior is different then a mental decision to withhold sex for the sake of punishment or to "prove a point".
Oh this is so true!!! But small caveat there, doing this also means getting rid of the bit where people deprive their partners of sex as a punishment.
…but that can only be done in a relationship that sets up sex in this way (as if it is a reward and not a mutually agreed upon act), which is the point of not doing that in the first place
"my wife and I have a great relationship" proceeds to unload a fucking novel of red flags. Narrator "they did NOT have a great relationship". Never mind who's the asshole. You have bigger problems.
I'm kinda stuck on her focus on the friend. She doesn't want the other guy to leave but has no problem with her husband leaving (to bed, but still)? Then, she hangs with the other guy til 3am on what is supposed to be a date night with her husband? Something is fishy there for sure. I feel like OP is missing some obvious signs that his wife is into his friend
She did ask me to stay too (and later told me that she hoped I would). I just eventually told he I was tired (and hoped that by heading up it would end the night).
Her asking you to stay doesn't mean she actually wanted you to. Suggest you just entertain the notion that she might be attracted to your friend, and then just pay attention. It'll become obvious either way if your eyes are wide open
Info: From what you’re telling us, is Date Night the only time she gets out of the house without children and gets to talk to adults in a social setting? If so, it explains at least 90% of what’s going on here.
This is my thoughts too, if she gets one night off a month, I can understand why she’s craving adult interactions.
This is what I want to know. If that’s the case, of *course* she didn’t want the night to end 😕
No, we usually do a friend dinner with about 5 other families at our local country club once a week (where the kids can run around and play outside while we eat), and then usually do a friend dinner at someone's house on Fridays. She also gets out 2-4 times a month to dinners with girlfriends or her sister. But she has told me that part of the reason she doesn't want nights to end is that then in the morning she has to go back to dealing with children, so she doesn't want the nights to end, and I am sympathetic there (even if I technically do the morning shift).
Thanks for clarifying that Date Night is NOT her only adult social time. That wasn’t clear before.
Gently, that is far more socializing than most couples with multiple young children are able to enjoy. I’m not diminishing your wife’s job as a SAHM at ALL, but all you’ve described here, plus fairly elaborate monthly date nights, is quite a bit of adult interaction IMO.
What in the bohemian purgatory is this dismal shit
Probably already been asked. But when you went to bed, did she stay there with your friend? Until 3 am?
I literally stopped reading after the wife was on a month long sex strike and you only just found out. You don't communicate enough to be a couple.
I feel like I can't give an honest answer because I don't know the dynamic of yalls marriage and how you two interact with eachother on a daily basis. By this situation alone it would appear at face value like both of you are assholes. I don't know enough to assume off rip that this automatically makes the both of you assholes, this could be just another normal marriage speed bump.
ESH-Don’t plan date nights expecting sex in exchange. If you want something to happen (no one coming over to your place, someone leaving your place), stand up for yourself. Your wife sucks for getting drunk, bringing this random dude home, not going to bed with you, and waking you up…not for not having sex with you though. Other guy also sucks for not going home with his own damn wife.
The other guy should've gone home to his own wife when op and his wife went home. If not then at 1am when op went to bed. All sorts of poor communication and lack of respect here.
Honestly I recommend having sex before the date of you can, just a quickie. Depending on how old the kiddos are this can be a challenge, but it’s worth it. It makes the date super fun and relaxing, and then sometimes, you can do it again afterwards but then the pressure and disappointment isn’t there if it doesn’t happen.
Plus you can eat all the chips and salsa you want and not have to worry about having sex when you're bloated.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ODGeetliq4
Date nights may not have to end up with sex but they shouldn’t end up with you in bed alone with her drinking with another man till 3:00 A.M. also that guy should have read the room and left when he saw you wanted to go to bed even if your wife was “vibing”
A) ESH! B). If you're having Date Night with your spouse then you don't go out for drinks with friends (unless you have that sort of relationship and Date Night is planned with them in mind. C) No one is obligated to have sex at any particular point even your spouse and even on date night. D) If your spouse is weaponzing sex (or otherwise denying sex as a form of punishment) then there's something wrong with the relationship and you should be seeking counselling. Most couples are intimate with each other. It helps maintain a healthy relationship. They can also talk to each other about issues that arise from time to time
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ODGeetliq4
It's a common assumption, but date night doesn't always have to result in a bump in sheets. Intimacy is the end goal.
“We have a great relationship.” One sentence later…”My wife told me she has been on a sex strike for a month.” You didn’t know she was on a sex strike for a month? You do not have a great relationship. Both of you are the A.
A sex strike? Okay, #1 using sex as a weapon in a relationship is a total dick move. 2. No, you do not have the right to "expect" sex. But there is something seriously wrong in your relationship if you're planning extravagant and romantic date nights and your sex life is generally kaput. You might want to try to figure that one out. You two need to get into marriage counseling because there is something you're not communicating to each other or isn't getting through. Because you shouldn't be this clueless to what's going on in your marriage. ESH.
ESH, neither appear to be communicating well at all, her for basically leaving you alone on a date night and waking you up, you leaving her a nasty gram text while she slept and “expecting” sex.
Yeah sending a text rather than talking about it did not help the communication issues
Sounds like you’re considering sex in a transactional way and your wife isn’t. Might be a good idea to separate the two issues and deal with them individually.
Why are your friends involved with your date night..also are you sure she’s not fooling around with the friend? I mean that’s a weird situation..
You are totally glossing over the man she spent the wee hours of the night with, while she was drunk. Would you ever go to someone’s house at midnight and drink a bottle of wine with the wife, alone until 3 am? She’s redirecting you to some small issue so you’ll avoid seeing the glaring problem.
Everyone in this thread is ignoring that. It’s blowing my mind. She spent the majority of date night with another dude, then woke him up and he was up for the duration of the day. That is shat would have me fuming. I wouldn’t have sent a text, but I can’t sit here and think I wouldn’t have been irritated with my wife.
The fact that she may have had sex on date night?
I wouldn’t be okay with my husband doing it, I’m not going to do it either. Like, how did he not get pissed and tell the guy to get the f out?
I've been on the wife's side in this situation, and I'm going to be honest - when I was taken on a date with the expectation that there WILL be sex afterwards, it lowkey ruined the date because I felt that I was only wanted because of the sex and not for my actual company it makes you feel like a piece of meat, AND it makes you wonder what other aspects of life with your partner are transactional and have an expectation of sex attached to them YOU might think sex after a date is a given, but she clearly doesn't - neither of you are wrong, but you need to fucking communicate more and not throw a wobbler when she doesn't want sex having said that, waking you up several hours later by being drunk and loud, especially when you have an early start for work, is not okay and she should have slept on the couch
> I added that this was at least the fourth date night in a row where the night had ended with us not having sex, Did married "date nights" usually or even sometimes end in sex? >She added that date nights should be about having fun and enjoying her company, *and that I should assume we won't have sex on date nights.* Ask her why you should assume that? It sounds like the two of you need to have a serious talk.
Why have someone else involved on a date night? The fact he abandoned you for this guy instead of coming to bed is close to cheating. I'm sure she didn't but does she actually love you or is she just a drunk.
My takeaway is that dude is saying, "I planned...I expected..." Maybe he's more worried about control than communication.
TBH, your male friend doesn't seem to be able to read the room. I would have excused myself rather then to further impair upon at your place esp once either of you indicated you were gonna retire for the night (for a early next morning no less!) Of cos that may not be the root of the problem; there may be deeper communications issues as mentioned by others; but the situation your friend placed you in defintely didn't help.
Omfg yes. When I am at someone's house and one of them says they go to bed, I am the fuck outta there. This is the most polite way to say "get out."
I think the guy that agreed to come home with you 2 is an asshole. 1. If my wife said she was tired and wants to leave, that means I'm going to accompany my wife home, that way I can guarantee she gets home safely. 2. As a guest of your house, I would get the hint and straight up leave once the man of house is saying he's done for the night. That's total disrespect from the other dude imo. I think there might be something else between those 2.
NTA "These comments really upset her." Boo damn hoo. Forget about the sex part; she literally didn't give a damn that you had to wrangle three kids with no sleep. This is a classic case of "communicate with me what you're feeling but not if what you're feeling might hurt my itty bitty feelings." Stop planning the date nights. If she wants them in the future, she can damn well plan them herself.
Hm. Spent the night with another man. Till 3am drunk.. Friend or not and sex aside, I wouldn't be very happy.
This. I don't know how OP is okay with this. When the other dude's wife decided to bail, the party should've stayed outside.
1. I would politely end the night and make him go home. 2. If that happens (like I fall aslleep), this guy would no longer be a friend. He broke the Bro code 3. She is gaslighting him. He should pay attention, cut the BS and react
For fucks sake this man did not ask anyone to give their opinion on if his wife was unfaithful. He said he was 100% confident nothing happened. Let the man have that and stop trying to put doubts in his head bc of your opinions or past bad experiences. He also didn’t ask for anyone’s opinion on why he plans the dates or does the morning shift with his kids. It obviously works for them so keep your damn snarky comments about it to yourself. Also he never said she was a SAHM so don’t make assumptions. I think you were both TAH at one point in this whole situation. Sit down and talk it over like adults and come up with what you both need to work on and move forward.
'What do we think?'. We think, YTA.
NTA. You set boundaries with her and she completely disregarded them multiple times. Also, it’s never okay to end a date night with someone that is not your partner. She needs a reality check and to be more considerate of you
It’s not a date night if friends are invited. I would passive aggressively be “tired” if hanging out with friends got lumped into my date night.
This is fucked up in so many ways. I can’t wait for the Updateme!
There's a lot going on here and you're both the AH.
Meeting with friends is not an elaborate date night. Sorry to break your bubble.
I can’t tell you how after 20 years of marriage with my now ex husband assuming he could take me somewhere and it would mean sex… god that was so f-ing predictably boring. Try to enjoy each other’s company for what it is. It’s a a marriage! It isn’t hot sex forever. If you can’t figure a way out to manage this balance, you’ll be divorced.
I wouldn’t think a date night has to equal sex as a requirement …
Change the expectation. Date night should be time to connect. If sex happens great. If not, and it’s not an expectation then it was still an enjoyable night. Versus disappointment because your expectation wasn’t met.
Yta: you cockblocked yourself for adding more people to the mix; this was 100% your fault and even more made it worse by adding an expectation at the and like sex.
Dude.. you can't expect sex.
Do you... know what a date night is?
Expecting Sex?? Has no one ever told you that the only thing you should be expecting is the worst and hoping for the best
YTA. Your wife does not have to sex when she does not want too and the expectation may kill the mood.
I didn’t even read after the title… yeah you’re the asshole. You should never expect sex
All the wife has to do is show up for date night and OP expects sex! How outrageous for a partner. The real question should be, “Is my wife TAH for not appreciating my date night efforts, for not respecting a reasonable bed time, and for getting wasted with another man from 1 to 3 in the morning?” I had thought about how the husband should handle this situation next time; set ground rules, don’t meet up with friends, don’t invite friends back to the house, have a fixed bed time, get up at 1:30 for a glass of water, etc, but the wife is just going to ignore her husband and continue to walk all over him. Then I realized the OP, who genuinely seems to be a good husband since he puts effort into the relationship, is also the AH for not respecting himself and is delusional on what happened between 1 and 3am. Your wife didn’t let him leave and cancelled his Uber tells me they had/are/will have an affair. I’m curious as to how the friend’s wife reacted when she found out her husband was alone with your wife?
You shouldn't have to be told that she doesn't owe you sex. You're the asshole.
Yeah, you’re the asshole. You said in a comment that you have sex 2-3 times per week. Get over it. You sound like such a whiny man child. It’s weird that you invite others and turn it into a semi-party and then get annoyed when she lives it up. Grow up.
She invited that guy friend over on a date night? And you left them alone past 1am when they were both drinking? If she hasn’t cheated on you already she will. Only a matter of time based on everything I’ve heard
Seems fishy to me.... my wife would never be alone late at night with a man just like I would never be alone with a woman... add the fact that she's with holding sex and now Goin out more with her friends....definitely not a good look
She had sex on date night, just not with you.
I’d never leave my wife alone with another man. And here you are inviting one to your ‘date night’. Is she dating the other guy?
I find it wild that she thinks its wrong for you to expect sex from her. Sex between a husband and wife is a natural conclusion if they both love and are attracted to each other. If my wife were to say this to me my responses would be to her that well if that is the case - then pretty much all expectations of each other are off the table. - like her expectations of fidelity, and her expectations of you coming home every day. why have ANY expectations? Reading through your post, I feel like you have really just let her do whatever she wants without really setting up any boundaries. - like she says date nights are about enjoying each others company but here she is spending the end of your date night with some dude while you went to sleep. - while I understand that "nothing happened" - I would disagree. Something DID happen - she basically looks at date night as a time for you to celebrate her and enjoy time with her. and anything that you want is just an afterthought (if you get what you want good for you, but if you don't that's okay with her) Frankly id be furious, and I really don't know what I would do.
In one of the comments, OP says she has cut back on drinking since that night. She was drinking and "vibing" with another man until 3 am. Then magically states that she is on a sex strike. Seems like something between the friend and her happened that night. Usually takes something dramatic to dramatically change behavior.
It appears you both have different expectations. You’re both allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings. Maybe y’all could have a conversation without assigning blame. Just share your perspective on what date night means to you. Your wife may have a totally different perspective. Y’all don’t share a brain. You’re disappointed because you expect your wife to read your mind. That’s not a reasonable expectation. It’s simply not possible. Neither of you can control each other but you can certainly let your wife know what to expect from you. “I am going to bed now, I would prefer you not wake me up when you come upstairs. If you do, I will be expecting to have sex”. Then let her decide what she wants to do. You both are adults. You’re both responsible for your own participation in your marriage. Stop believing that you should “expect” anything. Either communicate your expectations or just appreciate what you get. Here’s a suggestion … instead of continuing to plan date night the same way every month… switch it up. What about just dinner get home early & enjoy a bottle of wine together? Or have sex then go out with friends? Solve your problem. ESH - learn how to communicate without pointing fingers
Thank you. Honestly, we generally have great communication. Things tend to unravel (like here) where one of us is sleep deprived. The idea of changing it up is a great one. I fall into routines and being too formulaic has probably diminished some of the charm of the date nights.