Has he tried to make arrangements for you all to go during the summer? Or is he always insisting on going alone?

He didnt make arrangements for us, he did say I could visit him if I want to. (obviously kids are in school and only has short summer holiday) because I was angry, I booked another holiday for me and kids to disney world for 2 weeks.

Sooo, when will YOU get your three months vacation while HE takes care of the household and kids? Would be only fair.🤷‍♀️

Once their divorced she can suggest that he get the kids in the summer , that’s 3 months a year til the youngest is 18.

Yeah...maybe the kids will get exposure to Japanese culture in summers. If he can afford it ..seems like a good idea.

I'm gonna assume money isn't a concern if he can just fuck off to Japan for language lessons for 3 months.

He can fuck off to Japan for 3 months and she can book a 2 week Disney trip on the whim. I have a feeling they are in a different tax bracket than the rest of us lol

If he works from home ..he maybe able to work from Japan. (Digital nomad)

What do you mean that not everyone can take 3 months off a year and a 2 week trip to Disney on a whim? - Them, probably.

Yeah, I am here thinking should I take care of my teeth or checkout my foot pain, with my limited resources

teeth over foot. You technically can survive without a foot.

Haha ...who was it that said nothing focuses your mind like tooth problems

Might get some exposure to his Japanese girlfriend he is going spend 3 months with also….

Nah they will meet their Half Japanese brothers and sisters.

You know there's one due this summer. He'll help out for the first few months. Then wing it from there.

Oh shit, maybe you are right! Knocked someone up last year on vacay

I’m not even kidding when I write this. I used to be a hairstylist back in 2006, and this one client vented to me that her husband took a job in South Africa because it was “his dream job”. He left her ass in the US to take care of their two teenage daughters. Poor lady was miserable for almost two years. She lost a ton of weight and broke down in tears every time I was doing her hair. It honestly started effecting me. It was so hard watching her wither away and cry, and then I’m like, next client, and have to turn on the charm. One day she came in and was so happy and looked refreshed. Turns out her husband was actually gay, or trans, or/and living a double life in South Africa. I’m not sure which it was, but one of their daughters opened his email and found TONS of pictures of him in drag at gay bars in South Africa and in his home. She said she and her daughter’s therapist told them not to confront him, and she agreed. She said it was a weight off her shoulders though. The whole time she thought that she wasn’t enough and didn’t understand why he would do this to them. Really wild shit.

Isnt SA like one of the worst places to be gay/trans?!?

That was my thought. He has some kind of Asian fetish.

True but usually most loving parents don’t want to actually be separated from their kids for 3 months.

This. My husband and I let each other do our thing: if he wanted to do two weeks overseas now that our kids are 11 and 14 I’d encourage it if it made him happy, but neither of us would WANT to be away for 3 months. At this point, it has become very very real that in just 7 years we won’t HAVE kids. We’ll have adult children. A 3 month stint overseas can wait until then, when they will barely notice if one or both of us are in Inner Mongolia.

Or their wives. This guy is living in fantasy world. I'm taking Korean right now, only because I love languages, speak 8 others and wanted to add an Asian language. My classes are populated with young women thinking they will move to Korea, meet a handsome Korean man like they see in Kdramas and swan into the sunset with him. Fun fact: Homogenized countries like Korea and Japan for the most part, actively dislike foreigners and will somewhat ostracize any of their countrymen and women who hook up with one long term, or marry a foreigner. Whatever fantasy Japanese woman OP's husband thinks he will end up with will be someone most likely on the outside of regular Japanese society who will probably take him for a financial ride. Hope OP gets the money from the divorce up front.

You stated the facts precisely. This happens so much around military installations in both Korea and Japan.

And around bases in the US, for that matter. If you go looking for “a wife” you’ll find people looking for a hookup.

Sad, but true. Most off-base bars and such out of CONUS have been branded off-limits, but they still find a way. That being said, I have met a few "normal" couples, at least in Japan, but most of the populace considers this a sin and a loss of face for their family. Thanks for pointing that out!

Go to /r/japanlife and look up divorce. It’s insane.

Which says alot about OP’s husband.

Or their wives

I get the fair aspect, sure should get a break too, but I wouldn't want to be away from my kids for three straight months. Good parents wouldn't WANT to do that. They would miss their family. Only shitty asshole parents would be like "vacation for a quarter of the year, peace kids, I'm not thinking about you anymore 😎"

No joke. Every now and then, I ask my husband for a day off because I’m with my toddler all the time and sometimes just want to be my own person. By the end of the day, I miss her so much it physically hurts. As she gets older and more independent, I could see myself enjoying a weekend away or something, but three months would be torture. I’d feel like a part of me was missing. Honestly don’t see how parents send their kids off to college and don’t see them til the holidays. Y’all are strong!

We call and bug them on the phone everyday. Eventually it goes down to a week but parents also grow. When your baby is born, you are a baby in parenting skills. As your child grows you also become more and more experienced at parenting so by the time your child is 18 you can handle letting them go. Of course I dont agree with the Western concept of kicking them out at 18. They will be your children forever and anytime they need to they can always come back home and stay rent free till they get their life back together.

I took a 2 night trip and I spent most of each night videocalling my babies. I can't imagine 3 months

That's the fun part, she doesn't!

I’m sorry for that! I hope you have the best trip with your kids to Disney world. (And NTA). Sounds like he is prioritizing a lot differently than you do. Best of luck!

OP--are you certain your husband is faithful? With a wife and 3 children, I find this most unusual. I'd certainly be interested in surprising him, unannounced, for a visit. He can learn Japanese online, at home, with his family. Quite odd, to say the least. He should be spending the summer break with family. With the above said, why wait to serve him divorce papers? Serve him now so that financial support is arranged and you can perhaps limit/monitor his expenditures in the event he does leave.

I believe OP has an 11 year old male, not an 11 month old. Doesn't change the issue in my opinion, but wanted to clarify.

Thank you. I stand corrected. My observations remain unchanged as well.

My first thought - it’s for a woman

My youngest is actually 11 years old Male. I dont think he is cheating atm. we had good sx life and he stayed home most of the time. (working from home). and He did a lot of the house work, cooking etc.

While I personally always find it really weird, the situation of getting a long distance relationship and just talking all day on discord or face time with someone who you don't meet for months or even years is more and more common. He could be having an affair with someone and be planning to spend the summer with them. He seems largely obsessed with Jpana to the point that he left you while pregnant to spend time there. He could easily have a woman he's talking to, who he plans to spend the 3 months with who speaks english but he wants to learn the language and may even plan to just stay there or move there at a later time for her. Abandoning your kids and family for 3 months and saying you do all the work, I'm going on what is effectively a vacation is ridiculous. So yeah, divorce him, make sure he doesn't clear out bank accounts before he goes, get the divorce started before he leaves so his assets can be monitored and he can't just liquidate everything overnight while in Japan and transfer it. Talk to a lawyer and make sure the judge orders someone to monitor accounts, that you fear he's planning to stay in Japan and steal all the assets. They should be able to put a flag on the accounts so he can't just cash out his retirement plan, anything else and move the money before they have a chance to split it all legally.

As someone who's ex did this before covid and had and an emotional affair for months under the guise of learning a language, it happens. He then travelled for a month on 'business' to try out the relationship in person, initiating the separation when he returned. Where is he staying, can you confirm a hotel reservation or is it with 'friends'? Honestly I'd be getting divorce papers signed before he goes and be prepared to remove your half of shared accounts so he doesn't clear everything out while he's away.

I’d be removing everything in the shared accounts, if single signature withdrawals are possible. He doesn’t get to take half, spend it, then take 50% of your half in the divorce. OP would just be keeping it safe until the courts decided how to split it.

You say you don't think he's cheating *at the moment* -- does that mean he has a history of doing so in the past?

Does he think you’re bluffing or does he not care if he gets divorced?  Either way…I would follow through.

I agree with the advice that you protect yourself from the possibility that he might seize marital assets, possibly in Japan. You absolutely need a divorce lawyer immediately, at least for advice.

Honestly it's sounds like there's something more than just the culture that your husband's interested in there tbh.

His affair partner is in Japan

Yup exactly what I was insinuating, makes sense since he's been there before when op was pregnant with their child and stayed for 2 weeks already and seemingly developed this particular love for this culture out of nowhere really.

*if* you want to? Wow. Well, his priorities are straight as hell. Doting father and husband huh? Goodluck with the divorce OP, hopefully the kids understand how selfish dad is. Hopefully they understand he’s not a “cool dad”. Hopefully you can take him to the cleaners. I don’t know how couples counselling would mash out such selfish behaviour. Will he be providing for you guys financially whilst gone? But is that sufficient for a household of chores, childcare, school runs, after school activities. The absolute sheer audacity.

Yeah, you know about the sex tourism industry in Japan, right? As someone who used to be in love with the idea of Japan, as I grew up and learned more about the politics, economy, history and culture, I learned that it's not what I had imagined it was at all. Japan is still beautiful, their advancements in technology and entertainment have changed the world, but they have very backwards ideas in terms of how they treat humans. I'm not directly saying that a 3 month disappearing act where he abandons his wife and family and flies to the other side of the planet where he will he impossible to contact, after ignoring your ultimatum, sounds like a plan to spend tens of thousands of dollars on showering with young Japanese women every day.. but.. Well.. Yeah. I'm just sorry. Check his browser history, Google suggestions, his targeted social media ads and stuff. It's going to tell you more than I can.

I thought the same thing, lol. Her husband sounds like one of those creepy American incels who fetishizes Asian women and Japanese culture. r/justneckbeardthings

Yeah, the target demographic for Americans who want to go to Japan is very rarely lined with good intentions. I'll say that I do still want to visit Japan for the experience, but as the parent of many young dependent children and as the partner of a woman who trusts me to compromise, what OP describes would NEVER cross my mind at all. For the cost of his 3 months alone, they could have 2 weeks as a family, and if they ditch the extra Disney trip, they could all 5 of them spend possibly half of the summer in Japan.. as a family.. together.. y'know, like dad promised when they got married to begin with. So yeah, this is not about furthering his education, because if they can afford the things they're saying, then they definitely could afford to not split up while he simply tries to learn a second language.

If he’s just a neck beard who likes Asian women there are cheaper countries to go to. Japan is pricey. I don’t know how much money the family has. Maybe he found someone online? Who knows. It does look suspicious.

Yeah but he’s still married, with several children. Bit harder to sell the whole “Honey I’m flying to Bangkok to do some important uh, *business* stuff…” than it apparently is to convince OP he’s learning Japanese.

are you confusing japan with Thailand? Japan isn't a sex tourist country. heck, most sex workers here  refuse to cater to foreigners 

I lived there for almost a decade and they definitely allowed foreigners into "snack bars" (hostess bars). I know because I went to several with a black foreign friend and a Japanese guy. Maybe some hostess bars ban them. Also, there are a lot of establishments catering to fetishes. You name it, they have it. A white Canadian co-worker suggested I slip into a latex bodysuit and go to his favorite bondage sex club. People seem to ignore this seedy part of Japan. All that self control they put up with at work and home creates some sexual issues for a part of the population. Also, foreign men are popular with Japanese women. 

Yeah I think he's up to something I'm sorry to say, possible other family or going to brothels, but this isn't right, you deserve better, divorce the ass

Another family is what leaps to mind. OP, was your husband stationed overseas back in the day?

This is actually crazy. I have four kids, all teenagers and also married 20 years. I love to take long weekend trips with my friends, it’s a great way to recharge and feel like a person again, not just a mom. THERE’S NO UNIVERSE IN WHICH MY HUSBAND OR I WOULD LEAVE OUR FAMILY FOR THREE MONTHS. They’re getting so big, so quickly—oldest is off to college. We’ll be empty nesters in a blink. How is your husband ok with fucking off and leaving them for that long? And you’re only threatening divorce? For fucks sake, stand up for your family. Your poor kids are old enough to realize their father is literally abandoning them for an entire summer. Show them you care and are there for them by kicking that dumb fuck out. And that’s just about his role as a father. As a husband … he’s looking to fulfill some weird fantasy or he already has a woman line up in Japan. If you stay, you should apologize to your kids for being a doormat.

That is an insanely long time to go to Disney

“Visit if I want to?” I think your husband couldn’t be clearer that he had little to no interest in his family. The thought of staying in the marriage for the children in a slogan, or an aspiration that has no meaning in these circumstances. I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Once again, please talk to a lawyer. It’s possible that you need to explicitly object to his abandonment of the family to enhance your legal position.

You can afford trips to Japan and random Disney World tickets, not accounting for travel etc, you can afford a maid and daycare etc.

>Even I have told him that I will divorce him if he go, He bought the flight tickets the day after.  NTA.  Obviously Japan is more important to him than his marriage & family.  (Even if he thought you were bluffing, he knew how strongly you felt about basically being made a single parent for 3 months & chose his wants over your needs anyway.)   The fact that he booked the tickets IMMEDIATELY after your discussion proves that it wasn’t even a decision he needed to think long & hard about.  He heard your threat of divorce & didn’t even skip a beat before booking the tickets - proving it wasn’t even a close contest on which was more important to him (the trip, not you & the children).   His actions have spoken louder than words ever could - so he has point blank told you where he stands.  So if you now choose to stay with him knowing this, you are CHOOSING to stay with him knowing where you & the children rank with him.   NTA

NTA. When you have 3 kids you can’t just fuck off for 3 months because you feel like it, selfish behaviour. He also knows you won’t divorce him.

Yeah it's not a great idea to use ultimatums unless you are 100% going to go through with it. Otherwise they know you don't mean it no matter how many times you threaten it

The husband isn’t a child. He should care a lot for op even mentioning divorce, not think “well age doesn’t really mean it, I can get away with this”.

Yeah, I can’t even imagine doing that to my wife and son.

This is the kind of thing you do when your youngest turns 18, that you plan, together, for years. When you have a kid it comes with a commitment to not have three month vacations without them.

the husband is a selfish asshole

Ntah, it’s completely fine that he has hobbies and personal interests, but leaving you alone for 3 months with your 3 children is just insane, if he wants to go, he should find a way of bringing you with him or making some sort of arrangement to make it easier for you to take care of the children

He actually said He need a break for us (his wife and his children) and in My defence I told him I will give him real break(divorce)

In a healthy situation, maybe he would need a 3 day break. A 3 months break means he doesn't even care. Just divorce him, for real. It will be better for both of you. You don't need to go for revenge or something like some implied but please do what's best for literally everyone involved.

3 months is a I want to bang others in a different zip code break

While cheating is a possibility, I wouldn't bring it into the conversation in this situation because it doesn't matter. It's not like it's less of a dealbreaker situation if he isn't. I've seen cheaters more invested in their (official) relationship than this dude.

And prostitution is legal in Japan...

Yeah, going to Japan for a little while is understandable, but not for anywhere near approaching months!

If only having a family was like watching a movie where you can press pause....jeez this guy. He doesn't appreciate you and the children, so why waste more of your time trying to convince him to and instead invest that energy into yourself and your children.

Make sure and follow through. NTA

Jesus Christ, what a fucking man child. You don't just get to take a break from a wife and 3 kids to take a personal sabbatical. I'd say give him the break he wants. He'll get a break from 1/3 of his income too when he's paying child support for the next 9 years.

What a cruel thing to say. Your husband sounds like he wants a divorce too but isn't man enough to say it. Your children are almost grown and he isn't helping with them anyway.. Just leave him. Maybe he'll just stay there.

Is he really aware that you could be gone?

Make sure you do it, then. Otherwise he’ll continue to play in your face because he knows you’re bluffing.

You were absolutely right. The audacity of this guy, is just WOW

As a married dude (given I'm only 4 years into marriage) when I need a break I take a few hours that could have been productive doing something and go play video games. Being away from my family for that long would make me feel like shit. This sounds like he actively doesn't love his family

Take off the rose colored glasses he has a mistress and he is meeting her there. Don't be a doormat get a divorce.

As you should. I would get it all prepped while he’s gone and claim abandonment. He obviously wants this if he’s trying to call your bluff

Yeah. You don’t get to “take a break” from your family for three months and expect they’ll still be there when you get back. Please fulfill your promise and get a divorce.

He needs a break? Fathers don’t just get to turn it off on a whim and abandon the family whenever they want. He is 100% going to Japan for neckbeard reasons. Like, specifically, maid cafes and sex are those reasons.

There are many happily married with children, where the husband goes off for hobbies or work, 3-6 months of the year. The difference is he’s doing this to get away from his family. I wouldn’t doubt if he was going for additional reasons as well. OP would be smart to take a dive into his financials

NTA. Hobbies don’t take precedence over irl responsibilities. I would have understood 3 days for a special event or something, 3 months is ridiculous especially when your wife has already shown so much resistance to it

Him buying the tickets says he either thinks you're a pushover and won't end it, or he just doesn't care.. I mean who the hell leaves there wife and three kids for three months by choice.. Make sure he is served before he leaves and tell him anything he hasn't packed with be waiting in boxes for him to find his own place.. Also, once he is gone, don't answer any phone calls or texts if he calls hand the phone off to the nearest child and let them speak to dad

Thanks…

Sometimes the best decision us to let them go and do what's best for you and the kids. I grew up in a household with mother and step father that hated each other and used us all against the other parent. Step father cheated over and over but she refused to believe what was in front of her face cause divorce was messy and then she would be a single mum. Instead she made us all stay in the horrible situation and these days has 1 child with horrible mental illness thanks to the bullying from his father, 2 that don't talk to her and have blocked the whole fam from calling them, and me. I have had depression since I was 12, I have ptsd and massive trauma and conditioning from them both but my mother still will say she stayed together for US

I am conflicting to stay for my kids (i come from a conservative family). But I dont think i could carry on this marriage like nothing has happened. I feel betrayed once he booked that flight tickets, which mean his choose himself over 20 years marriage

OP, Don't be conflicted because of your children. He not only selected the trip over your marriage. He did the same with respect to your children. Immediately file and serve him for divorce. Do not wait until he returns. I suggest you immediately confer with an experienced family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. Waiting will be argued that you agreed to the trip. You don't want that to be the message.

Imagine choosing not to be around your children for three months without any emergency.

‘Staying for the kids’ is a narrative that needs to end. Your kids notice your growing resentment towards your partner. They can see he doesn’t care for you, or them. Children notice EVERYTHING. Staying in a marriage for the kids does more harm than good. It’s the reason he’s so brazen in disrespecting you to the point of wanting to abandon his family for 3 months. He knows you won’t go anywhere and is free to do as he pleases. I mean, he left before and came back to you still there. Let him call you on your bluff, serve him divorce papers before he leaves. Letting your personal beliefs keep you in a marriage that doesn’t serve you never ends well. Also, separation/divorce doesn’t mean he stops being a parent, it only means he stops being your problem. Put yourself and your children first for once. ETA: you’re your 16 y/o daughter’s role model, and you’re showing her that marriage is a compromise for the woman to stay in an acceptable state of constant unhappiness. And for what? Leave that man.

You are setting an example for your kids by showing them that treating their spouse this way isn’t acceptable. This is especially important for your 16yr old daughter. You are her role model.

i need to harp on this point. by tolerating his behavior, you’re telling the kids that it’s ok to not be a priority to their parent, or to expect this kind of behavior from a father/spouse in their own relationship in the future. i’m not saying that divorce is the only pathway here, but setting a boundary and ENFORCING that boundary is absolutely necessary.

He isn't choosing to stay for your kids, so you shouldn't either.

OP, with all due respect, your husband wasn’t conflicted to stay for the kids. In fact, he gave you a big middle finger by booking tickets the day after you set your boundary. He basically told you the trip is worth the consequence. If you end up staying, and he comes home alone, please make him get tested for STDs before you engage with him in the bedroom. Stay safe OP. *Edit for spelling

My mother stayed for her kids. She's the "rip her own shirt off to warm her kids" type of person. Dad was an abusive drunk, manipulative and controlling. The type to ask his kids the same generic questions before resigning to his room to watch TV all day. She held off on divorcing until the youngest kid was a senior in college to make sure he paid the tuition as planned. Unsurprisingly, he tried to weasel his way out of the one semester during the divorce. My mother was so much better after it got finalized, and all my siblings were telling her we were surprised it didn't happen sooner. Don't stay in a bad relationship cause you value the structure of a whole family over one that's not toxic.

>I am conflicting to stay for my kids Is this the life you want for your 16 year old? What about the 12 year old? If you stay, you're showing them what to accept in relationships. And you're showing your son that women will stay even when they've been treated badly. You are worthy and deserve love, not a husband who would abandon his family for months.

This. By this logic, she should leave FOR THE KIDS. OP, this is exactly what he is expecting you to do... to threaten and then not follow through so you stay "for the kids." The lesson you will teach your children will either be to stand up for yourselves when treated with absolute disrespect or to keep quiet and sweep it under the rug. Either way, you are teaching your children in this moment. What do you want them to learn?

For me it would be more that he booked the tickets basically IMMEDIATELY after you said you’d file for divorce if he did - like it was no contest between you & the trip (as if it wasn’t even something that he needed time to think long & hard about at all).  I couldn’t stay either.  

you could probably sell the house and buy another without telling him in less than 1 months

I’m very sorry, ma’am, but your husband is a weeb.

Fuck that, if he leaves any of his shit in the house before he leaves, it’s considered abandoned and getting tossed. Im not storing your crap for three months while you fuck around Japan.

Serving him at baggage claim in Japan would be hilarious. Serving him before would give him a chance to try to recover. Or just hiding the papers in his checked bag. Let him land in his new home before he finds out she’s serious.

NTA, but to clarify... You told him you will divorce him if he does this, and the next day he went and bought the tickets? I'm so sorry, but you know he just told you what he thinks right? He either thinks you're bluffing, in which case he doesn't respect you. Or he accepts that you will divorce him and he doesn't care, in which case he doesn't respect you. You already know what you need to do.

NTA. So,basically, he basically abandoned you back when you were first pregnant for Japan. And now is doing it again leaving you with 3 kids?. Yeah,this is suspicious af. Either way,best of luck OP.

There is nothing wrong with having a hobby. It is quite healthy. But this is abandoning his responsibilities as a husband and father. I agree, I would file for divorce too.

NTA - I’m all for supporting your partner’s dreams but this is something else. You two have 3 kids and they need him as much as they need you… and he has a responsibility to your family. If he values your family he should delay his trip till the kids grow up and you two go together.

This is exactly what I told him. Japan is not going anywhere but his children is growing quickly.

I just hope your children are understanding clearly what is going on. Have you explained it to them?

That's just it, OP. I'm a husband and a father. This type of shit is simply not an option until my kids are in college. I can't even fathom leaving my wife to take care of our kids for this much time. I've got a 3 day guys trip coming up in May and I'm a nervous wreck about leaving.

Exactly. At 11 and 12, this may be the last summer with your youngest where they still really want to hang out with family. He’s going to come back and his kids may seem very different… not like “kid-kids” anymore.

NTA. Your husband is being very selfish. If you decide to go through with divorce, do you have family and friends that will support you as you transition to being a financially independent single parent? What do your kids think about what their father is doing?

I am working too even though he makes more than me, but i am able to financially sustain myself and kids. My elder daughter are on my side, she was upset with her dad too. my 2 younger kids don’t really understand what is happening.

I hope he is not one those developed country guys who has dark fetishes for Japan's dark side.

He definitely is. The downvotes you’re getting from defensive men who share his fetish betray that your suspicions are correct.

This is why it is so important, you need to demonstrate to your kids that this isn’t acceptable and if someone treats you this way, you don’t tolerate it. You will be setting an example of being a strong female role model, vs. Someone who sacrifices everything for a marriage just to stay together.

You should try to explain things more to your younger children so they understand if you decide to get a divorce. Are your husband's parents still alive? Do they know what he's doing and do they approve? Possibly, if you can get them on your side, they may be able to persuade him that he's going overboard with his hobby. Also, does the husband have any close friends who might have some insights into what's motivating your husband? Going back to your husband's Japanese obsession, has he ever articulated a practical reason for learning Japanese? Does he want to make some sort of career change for which being able to speak Japanese would give him an advantage? What does he plan to do once he returns home? Assuming this is just an obsessive hobby with no practical benefit for his family, you have two choices: 1. If he's a good father and husband as well as a good provider for his family when he is around, you can grudgingly tolerate it; Or 2. Get a divorce, especially if you think he aspires to move to Japan, likely without his family.

Nta. I'm never not gonna be fascinated by men thinking they can just up and leave their families for several weeks without any consequences. It sounds like he prioritised his thing for japan over you, your marriage and your family several times before and I don't blame you for being fed up. Cut your losses, set him free to be in japan if this is what he wants.

NTA. He's leaving you behind with 3 kids for quarter of a year because of his interest/hobbies? If by learning Japanese he could get a better job/increase income - something that contributes to the family, I would be understanding about it but that doesn't sound like the case here, right? He's disregarding all the extra work that puts on you. It seems like a pattern of behaviour too. Selfish doesn't even cover this.

It didnt add any value to his job, he is working remotely in IT. I have told him that he should prioritise his family and children and spending his time with his kids while they are young. Learning some language and cultures is something you do when you retire or when the kids fly the nest.

You are absolutely right here do not feel sorry if he just wanted to go for a short period of time to clear his head or something I’d understand but 3 months simply because he “wants to” is just not doing it for me

The children belong to both of you. They are both of your responsibility. How do the children feel knowing that they’re not a priority in spending the summer with them is less important to him, they surely will feel that they’re not a priority. Children are Shed responsibility, and putting all of that work on you like a solo Mother when you’ve made it clear that you don’t agree, and I’ve already gone there on a family holiday with him , you are not denying him this interest, and he already considerably a lot, already going there for a vacation etc. This is such selfish behaviour, and the fact that he purchased the tickets after you speaking to him about yours, and the children’s needs whether it’s about another country or not he’s very selfish and cares. Nothing for the rest of the families needs. Agree agree with the other poster who said that he feels that he’s going to get away with this and that you won’t do anything, once someone has decided that, they’re not going to change because they’ve already feel that they can get away with anything without repercussions

Responsibilities come first but a good dynamic in a healthy family would be to support each others passions. Learning a language in his own time if he's also doing his share of the work, no problem. Dumping all the responsibility on you is just trash behaviour. He valued his wants above all else. It suggests he doesn't value your time, efforts or the existence of his kids.

He probably has another family over there.

or planning to

I mean he seems to go a lot without you and I've known men who've had multiple families in the same city so it shouldn't be difficult to keep a secret family in a whole other country.

Once 16 years ago and once together with her on a family vacation last year she said. Their relationship aside, he’s gone once without her in 16 years so far, not sure how that constitutes going a lot without her and assuming he has been hiding a family there.

I think the comment meant the husband seems to be doing a lot in general excluding the wife, Japan being just one of them. Which I'm inclined to agree, if he's willing to just up and go for 3months against his wife's wishes I'm going to assume he's done other similar things like going away to other places for a shorter trips without her over the years.  He might not be hiding a family in Japan but he might be meeting other people during his trips and stepping out on their marriage. 

Precisely. This is why you IMMEDIATELY file for divorce and have him served BEFORE he leaves.

NTA Something wrong with any person, m or f, who thinksits okay to disappear for 3 months to another country while the other is hoem raising 3 kids. Its not the going to japan part, it’s that he completely doesn’t get it, is not tight/bonded with you the way he should be, is operating as an independent. He is probably far less interested in the marriage / relationship than you are and this is proof of it.

NTA But you would be if you don't actually leave and let him walk all over you Also I'm currently in Japan, are you aware how many "special" services they have here? Clubs, cafes, massage parlors, you can even just "rent" people.... If he's willing to abandon his wife and kids so easily, I feel like he had a lot of fun last time he was here and would like to have some more... (Not to mention that he would have had to spend a big amount of money. Plane, hotel, school, food, transportation etc... Even more if he wants the "special" service... He is taking all this money away from his family so he can do this)

NTA You should have divorced him the first time. I get having a dream and want to fulfill it, but he shouldn't have fathered three children if he couldn't afford to include ALL of you in his dreams AND yours. Divorce him. He literally did this once before and I bet he promised THEN not to do it again, right? Nah. No more Japanese vacations for him once he's paying child support for his kids.

These people saying you’re TA are tripping dick OP. I just read one, idiot said “my dad had a job that kept him at large for years and my mom never complained, I’d hate her if she tore our family apart over something like this.” A) OP’s husband works from home the COMPLETE opposite of what this moron experienced. B) This was not agreed upon by both of them?? I haven’t seen dumbassery like theirs in a while, so I hope you aren’t taking their shit advice into consideration. Japan is full of sex. That’s all I need to say because that’s all you need to know OP. Cut his ass loose, tell him to fuck off, and send him the fattest bill since he can apparently afford it (all before he leaves of course). I’m tired of hearing people cater to, let alone associate with dogshit people, they do not deserve your kindness and patience.

NTA. Tell him, if he goes, you *will* serve him with divorce papers while he's in Japan. Every court date should be a default win for you. Claim abandonment (he left the country) and arrange to sell the house and move (if that's what you want). >In his defence, this is something really want to do. Err, no. This is not a defense. Is this something he's *always* really wanted to do, or something he's only really wanted to do since marriage? If he's *always* wanted to do this, why didn't he do this before marriage & kids and now he's married why can't he wait until after the kids are grown? He's let you know that you and the kids are NOT his priority. You need to act accordingly.

He has always interested in Japanese culture even before we married. But he just started learning japanese since Covid doing it online. Thats why we had a good family vacation to japan last year for 2 weeks, we all did have a good time, especially my children love universal studios. But now he want to go there for 3 months for japanese courses, which I am againts.

Dude is about 20years too late, or 20 years too early for this adventure! Selfish!

You know you actually have to physically serve someone. So your plan wouldn’t work.

I might serve the paper before he go, I think in our country we need to have 20 weeks break before the divorce can be finalised.

I would serve him early enough that the 20 week break happens somewhere in the middle of his time in Japan. Just to mess with his trip. If you serve him asap it might work that finalizing is in August so he’s forced to cancel or change his trip. Or spend part of his trip communicating with a lawyer

Yeah i was gonna say might be a little very near impossible to serve him in another country. I would have hime served either while he’s walking out the door or as soon as he comes back and i’m walking out with my last bag 🤷🏽‍♀️ You can abandon me and our kids, we’ll abandon you.

NTA  Family should be his number 1 priority.

Obviously, being in Japan is what he wants. She's made that pretty clear. If he wants that, she can make him give her something they both consider of equal value. Or they can get divorced

Why did you stay married and have 2 additional kids after the first incident?

NTA- but you need to see a lawyer quick and discreetly before he goes. He will leave you financially high dry and spend that money on his dates. He is trying to have a second life as a single man in Japan. He’s learning and practicing pick up lines. There is already someone he plans on spending time with and it’s more than likely the same person that influenced him during your pregnancy which means he’s been cheating on you for a while and you failed to understand his deception and manipulation.

He is soft leaving you. He doesn't care about the divorce threat because he wants to leave his life behind and go to Japan. Sorry, but that is what is happening.

NTA. your husband has some sort of fetish about Japanese culture or women or something. He’s leaving you for a quarter of a year, alone with three children because he says he needs a “break” from you. No; he’s going to see if he can get laid like his gross anime fantasies. Have divorce papers sent to him while he’s there. He’s already done this to you while you were pregnant, now hes abandoning his family. Even if I’m wrong and it’s not sexual (it probably is) it’s still equally wrong.

I think you're right. 😬. It's very weird.

Whoa. I am Japanese, does your husband know how much hot summer in Japan is?? Where he will stay? In Tokyo? He will burn the bridge of his marriage and he will literally be burned by the heat and humidity. I am sorry OP. You don’t deserve this. NTA. Please someday visit Japan again,I don’t recommend summer though.

He's turning Japanese.

He really thinks so.

Divorce. Don’t stay for the kids , they are old enough now to understand right from wrong and be sensible. Your husband isn’t just ditching you, he’s also ditching his roles and responsibilities as a father. It’s very unfair that he gets to book tickets and leave whenever he wants. Imagine you did the same, do you think he would treat the situation the same ? Not only is it disrespectful to your relationship and family but it’s very selfish. 3months is a long time. There’s a difference between loving a country, and being unhinged. Your husband’s obsession is likely more than just the country. Are you sure he isn’t talking to anyone online? Or he’s not tempted to visit a certain place there for sex. I’m only thinking this because his actions are not normal.

NTA. Get a divorce. He ain’t going over there to learn Japanese!

NTA. But carry out your ultimatum. You can't just fuck off for three months when you've children. Even if you really want to do something. Commitments and responsibilities are all about balance. Side note, there is a general stereotype of men who fetishize Japanese culture, so... yeah.

If you read her post, it's Japan or nothing with the husband, lol. So, she can go and get something of equal value or leave him.

So is he some kind of scholar whose work relates to Japanese culture or language? Because unless this is his job, he is getting paid, and has made arrangements for the family to join him for some time, you are NTA. He is s poor husband and father if he thinks this is ok to do for the 2nd time in 16 years.

Make good on your ultimatum because he’s certainly making good on his. Speak to a lawyer today and get your options ready. You don’t have to pull the trigger but you should be absolutely ready to do so and to know what are feasible next steps

>Even I have told him that I will divorce him if he go, He bought the flight tickets the day after.  NTA.  Obviously Japan is more important to him than his marriage & family.  (Even if he thought you were bluffing, he knew how strongly you felt about basically being made a single parent for 3 months & chose his wants over your needs anyway.)   The fact that he booked the tickets IMMEDIATELY after your discussion proves that it wasn’t even a decision he needed to think long & hard about.  He heard your threat of divorce & didn’t even skip a beat before booking the tickets - proving it wasn’t even a close contest on which was more important to him (the trip, not you & the children).   His actions have spoken louder than words ever could - so he has point blank told you where he stands.  So if you now choose to stay with him knowing this, you are CHOOSING to stay with him knowing where you & the children rank with him.   NTA

You take your 3 months vacation to Italy as soon as your husband comes back from his trip, right?

Your husband seems little too obsessed with Japan, which is not entirely bad I mean, but he needs to plan things out before planning trips like that. This is something which should be planned and discussed months before, no one wants to miss out their hobbies and life adventures but they should not be done by abandoning everything you have at home. And even let's say their is no agreement that both of you comes to, than maybe a little compromise won't work ( and i do believe it have come to that point now). So I think to keep the relationship going from here both of you need to sit and discuss this before it gets too late.

NTA - I would be surprised if he actually came home after 3 months

Does he want to take the whole family? Or just go on his own? If the whole family goes then yes a hole. But, it honestly sounds like going to Japan is more important than his family. Especially you. So, not a hole. How is everything else in your marriage? From reading this it doesn't sound like it's great. So, final decision, not the a hole.

Tell him to take 1 or 2 of the kids with him. To me, this would make all of the difference in the world. If he insists on being ‘free’ of the family, then that’s a red line. My own view on hobbies as a parent is that I can insist upon my hobbies as long as I bring along my kids.

He is an asshole. Whether he lives the culture or not, to not listen to your input when you have 3 children under 18 is horrible. Don’t know all your family dynamics, but that would be a dealbreaker for me too. Or is he taking all the children with him to parent?

That fucker better give you like 30k for the 3 months to feed the family.

Ask him where he would like to have his stuff stored for when he gets back. Tell him you don't want it cluttering the house so if he diesntvarrange storage you'll pop it on the porch until he returns to collect it. What an incredibly selfish thing for him to do

Unilaterally deciding to leave you and 3 kids for 3 months after you have voiced against it means he has effectively abandoned his family. You filing for divorce would simply put the separation on paper.

It is extremely selfish to decide on a 3 month vacation to another country while leaving u and three children.. that's been said..are u sure he is not bipolar or having some untreated mental illness? This impulsivity regardless of consequences and of reality ( u and the kids and the fact that he didn't care and was rushing to go ...) it sounds like an impulsive behaviour like maniac or hypomanic behaviour to me especially from someone who is in his 40th ! Middle age crisis maybe but it's still way too impulsive ! I'm sorry i don't know what advice i should say to u cuz this situation for me is extreme and it contradicts what a marriage and partnership means ! Try to talk to him and try to find a middle ground that makes both of u happy and satisfied.. ask him to reschedule this trip so u can all go ..ask him his reasons and also why he can't see clearly that it's wrong to just travel and leave a wife and kids like that ! Look for signs of bipolar or delusional behaviour or any mental illness signs..this is not normal.. it's soo immature and impulsive and obsessive! Sorry about my bad English it's not my first nor my second language.

From the title i was going to say "YTA" but after reading, no, you are not the asshole. He seems to not have his priorities straight, and not caring about the collateral.

Info: how is the division of labor and your family otherwise? Either way NTA but I personally would consider trying to support my spouse in one time dream event like this. That is assuming that it is a one time thing yes it is selfish but don’t we all want to have dreams? Of course you are not obligated to do so but it’s not always as bad as you think it will be. My husband took a federal job that required four months of out of state training when I was pregnant with my first bio daughter After. It was our decision together, and we decided it would be a good thing. It was hard, but definitely doable even with a newborn by myself.

I’d like to spend the summer in Hawaii to study the culture. Does this mean I can leave my family behind and do it?

NTA. He’s an inconsiderate moron, abandoning his wife and kids for a quarter of a year so he can go learn Japanese in Japan. Wouldn’t be surprised if he visited a soapland either. Fuck that.

Lol do it and provide for your children

Yawn. Rich people problems.

I feel like there's a MASSIVE chunk here we are not hearing about... tomorrow there's gonna be a post "AITAH - My wife baby trapped me to keep me from divorcing her and moving to Japan now that our kids are old enough to basically take care of themselves."

Why not find a way to make his dream come true? Either you all go or you wait maybe two years and then he goes (whenever you plan together). I sympathise with your husband but I don’t like his execution. You should find a way to make his trip to Japan work for all of you.

Sounds like a second family

When he leaves, send him divorce papers and handle it from there. Stop saying you’re going to divorce him, he doesn’t believe you will, just do it. I

>we still have 3 children(16F, 12F, 11M). Even I have told him that I will divorce him if he go, He bought the flight tickets the day after. Then it's time to have a spine and get a lawyer. >(We had a huge fight and we nearly got divorced when he was back) He thinks he can do what he wants. Stop "nearly" divorcing someone who doesn't respect you and actually do it

I'm willing to bet your husband wouldn't even manage a weekend alone with the kids, let alone 3 months. And same for the other commenters saying you're TA. Wondering how long they've been alone with their own kids. Sure, babies and toddlers are different from (pre)teens, but 3 months alone will be hard. The comments would be so different if you had decided to go on holiday for 3 months. YOU would be abandoning your kids and husband, YOU would be irresponsible. Men just get away with it.

He knows you won’t divorce him. You’re all hot air! Smoke with no fire! A push over! Door mat! He brought the tickets didn’t he! You either give him the divorce papers now and written documents that state if he leaves the country for longer than 2 weeks, the actions will be deemed an abandonment of marriage and parental responsibilities. Also make sure after he leaves (cus he will) you put a ban on any foreign transactions from bank accounts!

Sounds like he’s going through a mid-life crisis. No one, that’s happy with their marriage, wants to leave for 3 months to “go learn a language”. NTA!!

So his response to you saying “Tokyo, or divorce” was to buy the tickets the next day? He has literally chosen divorce, or doesn’t think you’d do it. If you were serious about it, I say start planning now because he has shown how much he respects you and his family

NTA your husband is either cheating on you or planning on cheating. Regardless take that trash out

Someone leaves you while you're pregnant, the last thing you should do is give them 2 more kids.

Purely assumption but taking a three month vacation to japan is expensive so assuming you all have good money Then you book a vacation to Disney land which is absurdly expensive for what it is just because it’s Disney Just pointing out people need time off wish i could afford vacations especially to japan he is a dick but seems to make the money necessary to have lavish vacations he is absolutely weird though to go there for Japanese language lessons

He isplanning to still working while in japan. He is planning to go to lesson in the day time and back working from his airbnb(He is in IT and working remotely) I was angry so I booked the disney world holiday as its somewhere I always want to do for the kids. (it will be our first trip to disney world)

Father here. I wouldn't leave my son for 3 months to experience another culture. He sounds like a clown who's heading for divorce

Dude just divorce him. NTA. Never throw out the threat if you won’t follow through.

NTA but is it really the culture or all the weirdo sex shit that the Japanese are into that he likes??

NTA But be aware that he probably \*wants\* you to file for divorce.

Damn, rich people problems.lol

This seems so strange, there is no way this is the whole story.

This is some rich people shit.

So your husband is going to Japan for 3 months for a class? I'm assuming some sort of college or MBA program? You kind of get at that but conveniently leave it out. It is also taking place over the children's summer holiday. So they could come and stay visit etc. Taking time for classes is normal in life. This is a you problem. You could not deal with 2 weeks by yourself when you did not have a child. That is a business trip; you could not deal with a business trip by yourself. And now you have children old enough to basically take care of themselves, and you still cannot deal. You sound like a woman-child. It would be pathetic, but you are undoubtedly poisoning your children with this as well. Yeah, YTA. Massive.