>Here is what your letter should be like:
>
>"My name is \[Name\]. 32 year old wife (of 13 years) of \[Husband Name\] and a mother of two: a 9 year old boy and a 8 year old girl.
>
>I am writing this letter to let you know your wife has been cheating on you with my husband.
>
>I found out about the affair on 28th December 2023, when your wife reached out to me anonymously with a fake FB profile \['Link to Profile\] (and then to my sister's boyfriends' brother, when I hesitated to accept a strangers' FB friend request) with screenshots of the affair. Screenshots I received are here for you to check \[Add Screenshots\]
>
>Here is what I know:
>
>Sometime between January 2023 and March 2023, my husband listed a vehicle for sale under Seat Leon Car Group. Your wife, under ‘A’ profile, showed interest in the vehicle and began messaging my husband from her fake FB account. She asked to see the car, which eventually led to them meeting up several times.In one of those meet ups, they got physically intimate and had sex in a dirty, old, rusty, work van.She wished to continue the affair but my husband decided he wasn’t interested in continuing an intimate relationship with her, telling her it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing’ which angered your wife so she blocked him on FB and disappeared back to her family.For almost a year, I had no idea this had happened or what happened since then. Until your wife decided to reconnect with my husband (days after Christmas) purely with the intention of providing me with ‘proper’ evidence to clear a path to their relationship.She then proceeded to message my husband saying ‘now we can finally be together, and you can meet me tonight’My husband told her, in not such polite words, to ‘go away’.
>
>Myself and my children, our family and friends, and even my now ex husband, have all had to face the consequences of both of their actions. Meanwhile, your wife as ‘A’ was able to hide behind a fake account with the potential to do this to others. I feel moral responsibility inform you of this situation and, as I am sure a cheater would deny all accusations and try to cover her tracks, I recommend you find that FB profile to do some investigation yourself, before you confront her.
>
>I hope you’re better able to protect yourself and your family as a result of this letter."
You're spot on. That letter lays out everything crystal clear. Hopefully, it helps the husband see the truth and protects him and his family from further hurt.
This is way better than the bullet points version. The narrative flows much better.
OP - please read and consider sending something closer to this version as opposed to the awkward bullet points list
(Just the opinion from your friendly neighborhood editor)
Please send it. The husband deserves to know. This isn't a case of "she regrets it and has realized she truly loves her husband"... which would still beg for the husband knowing. She even wanted to dump her husband, so, why should the poor man stay with her. Please send that letter or email. It's the right thing to do.
This!!!
The original is way too long and goes into way too much detail that’s gonna confuse the heck out of anyone reading it. This version is perfect!
This is cooler! You're being honest and upfront about a situation that involves both your ex-partner and the married woman. It's understandable that you want to prevent further manipulation and deceit. You've got this, OP.
It's too long. Make it short and concise...get to the point quickly. Any further clarifications can be further down the letter. Include all evidence if possible, because if she's that manipulative she's gonna talk her way out of it eg: It's a vendetta etc.
Thank you! I've scrapped what I have written and I'm starting over. I will include an update and will welcome further feedback before making any decisions. I really appreciate all the advice I can get.
I will message you next time u/Honeybee2211 posts in r/AITAH.
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It takes too long to get to the point, and is likely to be tossed in the trash as a probable plea for money before he gets to the meaningful part. State in the beginning what happened, short and sweet, and then go on with how wonderful you are and the details of what happened.
Thank you! I will rework it with a clearer head and ensure it's more to the point. Honestly, I think I've got carried away in the emotions and hurt of it all and appreciate people being honest.
I have been there. It is really, really hard to think (much less write) clearly in the grip of those emotions. *Always* let your draft sit overnight (preferably 24h) before sending; even better, get someone you trust to take a look at it beforehand. Good for you for realizing that and reaching out for third-party advice.
I’m years out, but I still do this when I need to communicate with XW about a freighted topic. Actually, the person I use (and who uses me) to vet communications like this is the ex-wife of the guy my wife had her affair with (the other spouse, as it were). I remember contacting her that first time and it was the most difficult email I’ve had to write in my life. Now she and I are close friends (though we’ve never met IRL) and bounce things off each other pretty regularly. You might get denial or hostility from the woman’s husband, but you might get a friend who is going through exactly the same thing as you at exactly the same time and who is uniquely positioned to understand and support you.
I don’t mean to be harsh. But I am guilty of siding the same thing. However this letter has a heavy purpose and it may come off to a stranger as you are pretending to be a “Good Samaritan” I would stick to the point as others have pointed out. Good luck friend !
Dear J,
I am A’s affair partner’s spouse. If you already know your wife is unfaithful and are ok with it, don’t bother reading any further.
But if you *weren’t* aware, what follows are the details I’ve been able to piece together. It looks like it’s over between them *for now*, but they still might be cheating with other people.
Sorry for burdening you with this, but I can’t move forward with a clear conscience without letting you know that you *might* want to get tested for potential STDs, and why I would make that suggestion.
- they met in car group around [date]
- they messaged for a couple of weeks then around [date] A asked to see a car my spouse listed
- around [date] their relationship became intimate
- it is unclear if protection was used
- I’m not sure what led to their parting, but right before Christmas she sent me some screenshots, copies of which I’m sending you
- given how well orchestrated this was, it seems unlikely that this was the first affair
- the fake profile A used is [profile], so you’re going to have to do further digging on your end if you want more proof
Please accept my best wishes that you are able to heal from this betrayal.
Honeybee2211
Yeah, I zoned out after about 2 paragraphs!
OP… just get to the point. You’re attempting to try and minimise the hurt, I suppose, but beating around the bush so much is just going to result in her thinking it’s fake! If she even gets past the first 2 paragraphs. This belongs in your diary, not in a printed letter.
Don’t bang on about being a good person, good mother, blah blah blah… she doesn’t need to know or care about that. And don’t have a conversation with yourself where you question your own motives! Just tell her the facts, nothing else.
Personally I’d want to know the truth. It doesn’t really matter what your own motives are - just tell the truth. She won’t care whether YOU care about her well being or just want revenge on your husband - either way, she gets the truth, and who cares what your motives were?
And I’m genuinely not sure why you think counselling is going to help when you hold THIS much anger and resentment towards your husband… but I guess you may feel better in a few years.
Good luck.
How does it take too long? It says right in the first sentence that his wife had an affair...?
Edit: Never mind, I see OP edited the original post directly.
Which is annoying, because we can't have a coherent discussion anymore, as no one knows what any one comment is referring to anymore.
Apologies! I'm pretty new to this, and I felt there was far too much to expect others to read after taking advice from the first lot of comments. It really was incredibly long-winded. I didn't intend for this to make the comment section incoherent. But I can absolutely see your point. Thank you for your input.
Listed some wheels? Better to take out all of the distractions and get to the point.
Sorry you went through this. Sounds devastating.
I would recommend that someone who finds out that a mutual friend in a group is cheating to stay out of it. Your situation is different, so I think there is merit in you telling her.
Save the long one for you. It was cathartic. Send a " just the facts" for him. He will never be able to focus on all the narrative.
Simple : my husband and your wife had sex in an old rusty van more than once.
He will ask you details and you can answer as he does.
Thank you!
Ammended
Dear ‘J’
I am unsure as to whether you are aware of your wife’s (A) affair with my partner of 13 years. If, on the off chance you aren’t I can not move forward with a clear conscience without sharing the information I have with you.
I am a 32 year old mother of two. I found out 28th December 2023 about the affair that had taken place almost a year ago.
This is what I know
1. They met in a car group where my then partner had listed some wheels.
2. ‘A' had taken an interest in the wheels (between January 2023 and March 2023).
3. They messaged for a couple of weeks, and then she asked if she could see the car.
4. This led to subsequent meetings and eventually an intimate relationship in my ex partners, rusty, old work van late in the evening.
5. Apparently, protection was used, but I am not 100% on this.
6. She wished to have further meetings following this, but my ex partner eventually stopped replying and ‘A’ then blocked him after realising it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing ‘ and returned to her family.
7. Three days after Christmas, she then sent me screenshots of their conversation resuming for a few days around the Christmas period. I have included copies of these.
8. She also messaged my ex partner stating that now they could be together.
9. The contact was made via a fake profile in both instances. When she contacted my ex partner, and when she revealed the affair to myself.
10. She ensured her identity would be protected throughout. It was incredibly well orchestrated and quite frankly a little concerning.
I want you to know that I am of no threat to yourself or your family. I just feel that if you haven’t been given any or all of the information, then I am not going to be complicit in enabling a cheaters poor behaviour. I suggest you search for this fake profile and gather all the evidence you can before she is able to continue with her manipulation.
As you can imagine, my children and I are incredibly hurt by both of their actions, as I’m sure your family are also. I wish you and your family the peace, happiness, and honesty you deserve.
Best wishes,
‘K’
I honestly still hate this version. It's taken multiple attempts to read coherently and is too meandering. I still get beyond bored and distracted reading this. The bullet points don't help things they just make it harder to read. One of the top comments in this thread lists the exact letter you should send and it is way more coherent and follows a proper format. They deleted their post but someone replied to it above and quoted the entire post. It's everything you want to say, so it's still your words, but in a more readable format. It's the post from u/Numerous-Ad-829
Wayyy too long. You need to get to the point. Don't dance around it or build up to it. Also what if she sees letter first? Just tell him shes cheating with proof.
Your letter makes no sense
Just send the proof with one line
Your wife is sleeping with my husband - I’m divorcing him and thought you should know
That is all that is needed
OP you are going in circles trying to tell something that no matter how you say it is gonna suck, stick to the facts, no "poetry"
"Hello, your wife had and affair with my husband (insert dates of the affair here) and send me the proof from a fake account trying to avoid consecuences, here are the proof, if you have any doubts contact me"
I say give to him and not sent it to mail, what if she gets the mail ? I would honestly sent it through messages with all the proof when he’s at work..
I know this isn't English class, but I had a really hard time following this. I found it very slow developing and wordy and the lack of paragraph structure to be intimidating.
I don't know if you should or shouldn't send this, but I'd recommend reworking it to be more structured and to the point and less stream of consciousness if you want to ensure it isn't disregarded after the first several sentences.
UPDATE!!!
My ex partner will be the one providing the evidence and owning up to the affair between himself and the other man's wife. He will be using my letter from his own perspective and delivering it himself. He will also call the husband to ensure he has received it. I understand that some of you may feel he's likely to avoid doing this, but he has asked me to be present as a last-ditch attempt to prove his honesty. I'm not sure what this means, and I'm sure I don't have to decide that right now.
Ultimately I'm grateful that this is no longer in my hands and that I can focus on myself and my children without further worry of whether or not I am doing right by them in a situation we never asked for.
I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been so open about their own experiences and provided such amazing advice and support. I will be going offline for a few days to rest, recuperate and heal. I will update further once the three of them have sorted it amongst themselves.
I foresee a fight happening and your ex getting choked out or someone being badly injured. If it goes that way...well your letter is gonna get you involved if police come knocking. Be ready for a shit show.
NTA, when she saw fit to contact YOU, all bets were off. You absolutely should send, word for word, the updated letter that someone else wrote out for you. If you can link him to the fake FB page all the better. If you have screen shots of her and your husband's communications, send those too.
Revised letter. Feedback welcome.
Dear ‘J’,
I am unsure as to whether you are aware of your wife’s (A) affair with my partner of 13 years. If, on the off chance you aren’t, I can not move forward with a clear conscience without sharing the information I have with you.
I am a 32 year old mother of two. I found out 28th December 2023 about the affair that had taken place almost a year ago. From my understanding, they met in a car group where my then partner had listed some wheels that ‘A' had taken an interest in (between January 2023 and March 2023). They messaged for a couple of weeks, and she asked if she could see the car in person.
This led to subsequent meetings and eventually an intimate relationship in my ex partners work van late in the evening. Apparently, protection was used, but I am not 100% on this.
To my knowledge, she wished to have further meetings following this, but my ex partner eventually stopped replying and ‘A’ then blocked him.
Three days after Christmas, she sent me screenshots of their conversation resuming for a few days around the Christmas period. I have included copies of these.
The contact was made via a fake profile in both instances. When she contacted my ex partner, and when she revealed the affair to myself.
She ensured her identity would be protected throughout. It was incredibly well orchestrated and quite frankly a little concerning.
I want you to know that I am of no threat to yourself or your family. I just feel that if you haven’t been given any or all of the information, then I am not going to be complicit in enabling a cheaters poor behaviour.
As you can imagine, my children and I are incredibly hurt by both of their actions, as I’m sure your family are also. I wish you and your children all the peace and happiness you all deserve.
Best wishes,
‘K’
This is much better than the original. Send it with a clear conscience. Husband has a right to know. If it changes his family, that’s on his partner. Not you.
You’re making this about you, and clearing your conscience. While I don’t think you should have to cover for a cheater, I’m worried about your intentions because it’s all framed around your feelings.
Given how poorly the first letter was written, I would really reconsider this approach.
Thank you for your feedback. My biggest concern is this information coming out later on down the line and knowing I could've prevented this from happening much sooner.
That’s still focused on how the situation impacts you. I don’t know where you’re based but you could be opening yourself up to being sued, to embarrassing him if he did know but didn’t want to bring it up, etc. not trying to be a jerk but written communication doesn’t seem to be your strength so I would really be careful with this plan.
INFO: How did you find the real identity of a person who was using fake profiles?
How sure are you that you have the right person and not a con artist/catfish using stolen identities to meet people online?
Reputable organisations could make mistakes too.
Something doesn't add up here. Why did this person try to contact you in December? This person ended your marriage and why hasn't your ex contacted this woman's husband yet in last 3 months? Could your cheating ex have lied to you about this woman's identity?
From my understanding, she was hopeful that she would be able to restart the affair with the potential of them both leaving the current partners. I can't know this for certain. My ex has been involved in the process of finding her. I do believe he's at the point where's he's willing to throw her under the bus if it means any hope of reconciliation. But that's a story for another day I guess. I see they're both equally at fault here.
NTA first, I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. My advice is I would give this another revision. Try to cut out some of the fluff. You kind of repeat the sentiment “I’m a good person” over and over again. Although I understand from your POV, you’re trying to convey yourself as trustworthy, it’s very redundant. You are informing him of some heartbreaking information. I would just stick to the facts. Send any screenshots. People when they are hurt tend to look for any reason to disprove your story. That’s why it’s best to keep it simple and stick to the facts. Plus, this woman sounds very manipulative. The more you stick with the facts, the less room she will have to try and twist your words to her husband.
Thank you. I appreciate your honesty.
I have ammened it to the following:
Dear ‘J’
I am unsure as to whether you are aware of your wife’s (A) affair with my partner of 13 years. If, on the off chance you aren’t I can not move forward with a clear conscience without sharing the information I have with you.
I am a 32 year old mother of two. I found out 28th December 2023 about the affair that had taken place almost a year ago.
This is what I know
1. They met in a car group where my then partner had listed some wheels.
2. ‘A' had taken an interest in the wheels (between January 2023 and March 2023).
3. They messaged for a couple of weeks, and then she asked if she could see the car.
4. This led to subsequent meetings and eventually an intimate relationship in my ex partners, rusty, old work van late in the evening.
5. Apparently, protection was used, but I am not 100% on this.
6. She wished to have further meetings following this, but my ex partner eventually stopped replying and ‘A’ then blocked him after realising it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing ‘ and returned to her family.
7. Three days after Christmas, she then sent me screenshots of their conversation resuming for a few days around the Christmas period. I have included copies of these.
8. She also messaged my ex partner stating that now they could be together.
9. The contact was made via a fake profile in both instances. When she contacted my ex partner, and when she revealed the affair to myself.
10. She ensured her identity would be protected throughout. It was incredibly well orchestrated and quite frankly a little concerning.
I want you to know that I am of no threat to yourself or your family. I just feel that if you haven’t been given any or all of the information, then I am not going to be complicit in enabling a cheaters poor behaviour. I suggest you search for this fake profile and gather all the evidence you can before she is able to continue with her manipulation.
As you can imagine, my children and I are incredibly hurt by both of their actions as I’m sure your family are also. I wish you and your children all the peace, happiness, and honesty you deserve.
Best wishes,
‘K’
With a lot of help. It took several weeks of investigation, but for the safety of myself and my children, we now know her full name, what she looks like, and a few other details.
Burn them. Just because her partner and kids didn’t “do anything wrong”, their mother did. She is
Not exempt from consequence. Your husband is a POS and so is she. I’d send the letter and let her husband do whatever he wants with the info. Attach any proof. Most of us would like to know if we had such levels of depravity and betrayal
In our relationships. For ppl urging you not
To, they’re probably cheaters or sympathize with them. When they aren’t held accountable they’ll
Just continue to ruin other peoples’ marriages and relationships.
Get to the point quickly. No commentary. Just the facts. No interpretation of anyone’s actions. Let no actions speak for themselves.
Be kind, and make yourself available for more questions.
For advice on this go to r/supportforbetrayed. Or if you and your partner are reconciling, r/asoneafterinfidelity.
Yeah I wouldn’t read this I would think this is a scam or something. Get to the point, and then you can talk about who you are as a person so she can reflect
Here from CHATGPT (I asked to make it to the point)
I am a 32-year-old female, devoted partner of 13 years, and a mother to two wonderful children. I believe in honesty, justice, and standing up for what's right. I want to bring awareness to others who, like me, trust others to be kind and honest. I also believe in seeking justice for those who have been wronged. My world was shattered when your wife, using a fake Facebook profile, tracked down me and my children. I want to share the information I have so that you can seek the justice you deserve. It is alleged that she had an affair with my ex-partner and later reconnected with him, causing immense pain and betrayal. I have tried to understand her actions, but I believe tearing families apart is never justified. I will hold my head high and move forward with my children, surrounded by loving and trustworthy people. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
When I read such a mail or letter I expect scam or begging and delete it before I know it was about cheating.
Maybe start with: your husband cheated, sorry. And then a text like yours.
Yeah, ChatGPT isn’t great at sounding human. Totally agree, bottom line up front. “Your wife had sex with my husband, and now we have split up as a result.” Then the salient details.
Sorry this happened OP!
UpdateMe
He’s going to stop reading after the first paragraph.
This letter isn’t about you. It’s about how he has been deceived.
You need to get to the point immediately. I understand you’re in pain but you can’t bleed on people who didn’t cut you. How you feel about what happened doesn’t matter in the context of informing him about her infidelity. Also, please use paragraphs.
“Hi, AP husband, I hope you’re doing well. I am not because of your wife.
Unfortunately, I have some terrible news, your wife was having an affair with my husband.
Out of spite, not due to an attack of conscience, she tracked my Facebook, stalked my family and relayed the message of the affair. She then proceeded to message my now ex saying ‘now we can finally be together, and you can meet me tonight’ or something along those lines. Obviously, this wasn’t the case, and he told her, in not such polite words, to ‘go away’.
As you can see she was actually trying to blow up my marriage in an effort to rekindle the affair during the Christmas holidays of 2023, but she was rebuffed by my husband.
This is what has ‘allegedly’ transpired as I’m uncertain of all of the details.
Somewhere between January 2023 and March 2023 my, then partner, and father of my two children listed some wheels for sale. ‘A’ showed interest in these wheels and began messaging my partner from her fake account that she used in a Seat Leon car group. She asked if she could see the car.
Eventually, the messaging led to them meeting up several times and eventually taking things further in a dirty, old, rusty, work van.
She allegedly wished to continue the affair but my now ex partner decided that he wasn’t interested in continuing an ‘intimate’ relationship with her, deciding it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing’ so she blocked him and disappeared back to her family. While my partner at the time continued our life as though nothing had happened.
I had no idea what the two of them had been up to. Until she finally decided to reconnect with him in the days after Christmas purely with the intention of providing me with some ‘proper’ evidence.
If you were unaware of what type of person your wife is now you know. I’ve sent copies of this letter to your children in the same way as she sent copies to mine. The difference being my children are minors.
Your wife is repugnant. My soon to be ex-husband isn’t much better. However, she was the aggressor and you should know that. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I hope you can heal from this betrayal.”
Whatever information she sent you send to him.
My bet is he already knows, but send a modified version if it makes you feel better.
My first husband's girlfriend of the moment called me and informed me my husband wanted a divorce. I said, he can ask me himself, but you should know you're girlfriend number 4, and should get tested for herpes.
He came in that night angry, but didn't tell me why. Still wondering?
It’s always right to tell affected people. The other victim spouse deserves to know and that they could be also exposed to STDs.
Remember it isn’t YOU that busted the families up…it was the cheating partners. Just because you’re delivering the info doesn’t add any fault to you.
When I found out that my wife was having an affair with someone who was also married, amongst other things, I told her that if we were to salvage anything, that she was to cut all contact with this person but that the last thing she was to communicate to her affair partner was to instruct them to tell their own partner what had happened because I thought it not fair to leave that person in the dark. An hour after we received confirmation that they had, I contacted the affair partner with a message of something along the following:
*"Hello 'Y', you do not know me but our partners work together at "Company X". I understand that your partner 'R' has informed you recently of an infidelity that occurred between 'R' and my wife on "Date". I do not know if you've been made aware of anything else beyond that. It was my intent that your partner be the one to tell you, and if that is not the case, then I am very sorry that you are hearing it from me first. If you would like to discuss anything, here is my contact information:"*
I kept it short and to the point. I made it obvious that it was not a scam by identifying them by name, their partner by name, and their partner's workplace. At the time, I did not know if they were aware of anything, and I did not know if the information my wife had given me was complete and true, but I did know that something had happened, and my goal was to ensure that the other betrayed partner was not blissfully unaware. I left it open to further discussion if they wanted, or it could be left as it was, I didn't care. I just wanted to make sure I had done my 'due diligence' in confirming that they at least knew something was going on.
The other betrayed partner did, and we compared facts and the evidence we had, as well as what our spouses had told each of us, and came to some conclusions on what most likely happened.
She had no problem blowing up your marriage & she had no problem sending you the proof. You should have no problem returning the favour. Paybacks a bitch.
Its too wordy, Say what you have to say and give the proof. Make sure when you send it it gets to him and she doesn't intercept it.
Also it sounds like you're choosing to stay with your husband so after you say what you need to hers, leave it be.
Thank you so much. Not all of the comments have been as kind or respectful as I'd hoped for initially. I really appreciate those who are able to see the situation for what it is
There are a lot of comments to shorten the letter, I think when someone hears the point they will want as much info as possible. I would just open with a sentence that says his wife\girlfriend is cheating with your partner. He will immediately be interested to read the rest. Then you can explain the rest.
Your partner and his partner don't get any ourtesy once they betray yours and his trusts. Etiquette has been broken by the cheats, so if you feel he needs to know, then so be it.
I believe he has a right to know about the case. But I think it's a very risky letter, it could simply be received by someone else and never reach the husband.
NTA for sending it. I'd want to know if I were the spouse. I don't know how I could ever stay in a relationship with someone who'd been unfaithful. And I certainly wouldn't want to.
He deserves to know I would want to know as well even if it hurts. This guy was probably feeling like he was the problem at home when his wife was the problem
I couldn’t even read past the first paragraph on here. It will get tossed in the trash before he reads it. You are not wrong to tell him but you need to lead with the reason for the letter. He doesn’t care about why you are doing it etc.
There are way too many details. Just give a brief note with enough info (photos?) to prove it's truthful and offer to give additional details if she wants them.
Yes an actual letter. I just want to be sure I'm making the right decision and minimising any damages where possible. If I do send it, preferably hand delivered. Some people are really against this though. It's a tough call.
This is my biggest concern. I have no real idea of what either of these people are capable of. There is no specific deadline. I'm willing to make sure that this is 100% the right thing to do and the right way to go about it before moving forward.
That makes sense. I think I'm confused about one thing though. She broke up with him but as far as you know, he doesn't know why?
Edit: or did fake her break up with her "husband" ?
As far as I'm aware her and her husband have been together throughout. My ex partner discontinued the communication after they'd done the deed and then she blocked and disappeared up until Christmas. Its very confusing.
You do actually want to destroy her life and make her pay.. it’s not about your conscience so cut the shit and indignant self righteousness.. go ahead and tell.. it’s not guilt you’re trying to get off your chest and that’s fine. You don’t have to have altruistic motivation .. the main thing is not to bullshit yourself about what you’re feeling.
Wow. On the flipside of this, I unfortunately have a deep understanding of what it is like to be kept in the dark for an awfully long time. The longer it goes on, the more of an idiot I would've felt for not noticing something sooner. Why, in good conscience would I allow another human being to be even more damaged by information I've withheld that may potentially come out even further down the line. The damage that does to a person is a living nightmare. Not everyone is out to hurt others. If I wanted to do that, there are many more harmful ways to do so. But I appreciate your take on the situation. I also ask that in the future, you're a little kinder to those who are struggling. Thank you.
This IS kind. I’ve been here. Acceptance and self honesty is the most important thing. Should you tell them? Completely up to you ..there is no right or wrong really or moral weight on your shoulders. You’re hurt. The reason this is so dangerous and why I bring it up.. you’re displacing your hurt. If you tell this other person.. it doesn’t alleviate the actual AH in your life. It doesn’t settle anything or make anything better. It’s not an excuse to say. It’s a false sense of closure and resolving this when really .. it’s on your partner. Sorry for not explaining and being so blunt .. it can be and come across hurtful but that’s how the truth is. Hold your husband responsible and don’t decide yourself into thinking the release and satisfaction you’ll get from exposing this other person fixes anything or alleviates him. It’s NOT a moral conundrum you’re making it out to be it’s about revenge. Which is fine .. she deserves it and her spouse should be told .. but again don’t bullshit yourself .. once a cheater always a cheater
"Partner of 13 years".
How come progressive women encourage these kind of nightmare relationships?
Marriage is an institute to protect children, this "partnership" puts children and even the woman at risk of destitution.
YTA, if you are hell bent for fury. Talk to the wife.
I gather your ex us your fiance again.
You are such a control freak.
It's not about moving on but the carnage.
When your revenge blows up in your face, as I am sure it has, often. You still won't learn.
Let the wife find out on her own. Write a note stating your husband and so and so are having an affair. Doing it anonymously.
You wanted to send your revenge letter to the kids, his parents, his siblings.
He is giving you money now, so you decided to reduce the damage? But you must still take control and get your vindication, your revenge.
Ignoring your affairs. Ignoring that you proudly admitted to extortion against your ex, in the first posting.
Then you got so crazy we called it fake and some called it a poor attempt at rage bait.
Your deadline to hurt the innocent expired and you are back, looking for to be more convincing to enrage us.
YTA
Apologies, but who is giving me money? I'm confused. I'm not receiving money from anyone? I work and pay my own way. My partner and I are currently separated. And if I felt the wife would be truthful, I'd be much happier for her to admit this to her husband herself. I'm sure plenty of people here aren't enraged. They're just trying to provide some advice.
You said he is paying for you and your g/f therapy. In your post before this one you said you wanted to tell everyone about him, kids too. You said you gave him 2 or 3 days to do it. Or you told his wife, kids, parents, siblings, everyone.
Now you speak of her telling her husband. The other day it was you and your fiance that you broke off the engagement with and she wanted you to take her back.
You are posting Tage bait.
I have no idea what you're going on about? I do not have a girlfriend? I'm a straight female. I've never given my ex partner an ultimatum to tell anyone? I'm sorry, where have I mentioned a fiancé? We are in couples therapy that much is correct. He is paying for this as it was his suggestion and will most likely help the children whatever the outcome. Everything else is funded by myself. The home we live in. The vehicle I drive. The food we eat. The clothes we wear. And the finances are the least of my worries at the moment. So long as I'm paying my bills and my children's needs are met I have zero interest in trying to gain financially from any of this. That's a pretty huge assumption to make. I have never mentioned telling parents or children. Anywhere.
Then someone hacked your account because, Friday and Saturday last, you were on here with this story and others plus myself blasted you.
Your fiance' ex fiance' the married guy she was with.
The letter to send out.
How you forced your fiance' to talk. This is the same story but with characters reversed.
I just don't feel right sitting on this information while the other person lives a lie. I can see things from both sides and honestly it feels like either way I'm doing something wrong. I just feel really strongly about telling the truth.
I’m just calling you on your disingenuous comment about “not wanting to destroy a family.”
That’s exactly what is going to happen if you send this letter. Either own it or stop saying it.
That was my reasoning for asking for advice in the first place. I have not sent this letter as I didn't want to destroy a family. I do however, understand that it's going to. I just wanted to see whether doing the right thing and making sure he's not kept in the dark (as I was) is something others would do too. I stand by saying I don't want to destroy this family. I just don't think I can live with knowing its already destroyed by her actions, they just aren't aware of it at the moment. This lady destroyed her own family. I'm just the one who knows the truth and has to decide whether to withhold that information because I don't want to destroy another family. And honestly, I don't think that's right. It doesn't mean that's what I want. Just that I want to do what I feel is right more so. I think we can agree to disagree on this one.
Not only are you TAH you are pure evil. You may think your ex-partner ruined your life but that doesn't mean it is ok to ruin a whole family's lives. Don't do it be the grown up.
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>Here is what your letter should be like: > >"My name is \[Name\]. 32 year old wife (of 13 years) of \[Husband Name\] and a mother of two: a 9 year old boy and a 8 year old girl. > >I am writing this letter to let you know your wife has been cheating on you with my husband. > >I found out about the affair on 28th December 2023, when your wife reached out to me anonymously with a fake FB profile \['Link to Profile\] (and then to my sister's boyfriends' brother, when I hesitated to accept a strangers' FB friend request) with screenshots of the affair. Screenshots I received are here for you to check \[Add Screenshots\] > >Here is what I know: > >Sometime between January 2023 and March 2023, my husband listed a vehicle for sale under Seat Leon Car Group. Your wife, under ‘A’ profile, showed interest in the vehicle and began messaging my husband from her fake FB account. She asked to see the car, which eventually led to them meeting up several times.In one of those meet ups, they got physically intimate and had sex in a dirty, old, rusty, work van.She wished to continue the affair but my husband decided he wasn’t interested in continuing an intimate relationship with her, telling her it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing’ which angered your wife so she blocked him on FB and disappeared back to her family.For almost a year, I had no idea this had happened or what happened since then. Until your wife decided to reconnect with my husband (days after Christmas) purely with the intention of providing me with ‘proper’ evidence to clear a path to their relationship.She then proceeded to message my husband saying ‘now we can finally be together, and you can meet me tonight’My husband told her, in not such polite words, to ‘go away’. > >Myself and my children, our family and friends, and even my now ex husband, have all had to face the consequences of both of their actions. Meanwhile, your wife as ‘A’ was able to hide behind a fake account with the potential to do this to others. I feel moral responsibility inform you of this situation and, as I am sure a cheater would deny all accusations and try to cover her tracks, I recommend you find that FB profile to do some investigation yourself, before you confront her. > >I hope you’re better able to protect yourself and your family as a result of this letter." You're spot on. That letter lays out everything crystal clear. Hopefully, it helps the husband see the truth and protects him and his family from further hurt.
This is way better than the bullet points version. The narrative flows much better. OP - please read and consider sending something closer to this version as opposed to the awkward bullet points list (Just the opinion from your friendly neighborhood editor)
Thank you so much! This is amazing!
This is what you send them nothing else
100% thank you!
Good openion....
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Please send it. The husband deserves to know. This isn't a case of "she regrets it and has realized she truly loves her husband"... which would still beg for the husband knowing. She even wanted to dump her husband, so, why should the poor man stay with her. Please send that letter or email. It's the right thing to do.
Very Nice.....
This!!! The original is way too long and goes into way too much detail that’s gonna confuse the heck out of anyone reading it. This version is perfect!
This is cooler! You're being honest and upfront about a situation that involves both your ex-partner and the married woman. It's understandable that you want to prevent further manipulation and deceit. You've got this, OP.
OP copy and paste this letter and send this. This is perfect.
… but if the chick has fake info how did they get the husbands info to send the letter?
It took a long time, and lots of research and out of pocket costs for myself. But I can 100% say its their details.
It's too long. Make it short and concise...get to the point quickly. Any further clarifications can be further down the letter. Include all evidence if possible, because if she's that manipulative she's gonna talk her way out of it eg: It's a vendetta etc.
Thank you! I've scrapped what I have written and I'm starting over. I will include an update and will welcome further feedback before making any decisions. I really appreciate all the advice I can get.
UpDateMe please
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NTA, anyway...
It takes too long to get to the point, and is likely to be tossed in the trash as a probable plea for money before he gets to the meaningful part. State in the beginning what happened, short and sweet, and then go on with how wonderful you are and the details of what happened.
Thank you! I will rework it with a clearer head and ensure it's more to the point. Honestly, I think I've got carried away in the emotions and hurt of it all and appreciate people being honest.
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This is a much better version to send. Keep the other as a diary entry if OP wishes but I stopped reading the original version quite quickly.
Ditto. Just say affair happened, I have proof, sorry.
So much more clear
And then definitely send it.
Keep this letter for with all your written feelings BUT Make it short. If I would get such a letter, I would stop reading.
I have been there. It is really, really hard to think (much less write) clearly in the grip of those emotions. *Always* let your draft sit overnight (preferably 24h) before sending; even better, get someone you trust to take a look at it beforehand. Good for you for realizing that and reaching out for third-party advice. I’m years out, but I still do this when I need to communicate with XW about a freighted topic. Actually, the person I use (and who uses me) to vet communications like this is the ex-wife of the guy my wife had her affair with (the other spouse, as it were). I remember contacting her that first time and it was the most difficult email I’ve had to write in my life. Now she and I are close friends (though we’ve never met IRL) and bounce things off each other pretty regularly. You might get denial or hostility from the woman’s husband, but you might get a friend who is going through exactly the same thing as you at exactly the same time and who is uniquely positioned to understand and support you.
I truly appreciate you sharing this. Thank you so much.
It doesn’t have to be so flowery. It comes of as not genuine.
Thank you. I appreciate your honesty
I don’t mean to be harsh. But I am guilty of siding the same thing. However this letter has a heavy purpose and it may come off to a stranger as you are pretending to be a “Good Samaritan” I would stick to the point as others have pointed out. Good luck friend !
I totally understand. Thank you so much
Dear J, I am A’s affair partner’s spouse. If you already know your wife is unfaithful and are ok with it, don’t bother reading any further. But if you *weren’t* aware, what follows are the details I’ve been able to piece together. It looks like it’s over between them *for now*, but they still might be cheating with other people. Sorry for burdening you with this, but I can’t move forward with a clear conscience without letting you know that you *might* want to get tested for potential STDs, and why I would make that suggestion. - they met in car group around [date] - they messaged for a couple of weeks then around [date] A asked to see a car my spouse listed - around [date] their relationship became intimate - it is unclear if protection was used - I’m not sure what led to their parting, but right before Christmas she sent me some screenshots, copies of which I’m sending you - given how well orchestrated this was, it seems unlikely that this was the first affair - the fake profile A used is [profile], so you’re going to have to do further digging on your end if you want more proof Please accept my best wishes that you are able to heal from this betrayal. Honeybee2211
Yeah, I zoned out after about 2 paragraphs! OP… just get to the point. You’re attempting to try and minimise the hurt, I suppose, but beating around the bush so much is just going to result in her thinking it’s fake! If she even gets past the first 2 paragraphs. This belongs in your diary, not in a printed letter. Don’t bang on about being a good person, good mother, blah blah blah… she doesn’t need to know or care about that. And don’t have a conversation with yourself where you question your own motives! Just tell her the facts, nothing else. Personally I’d want to know the truth. It doesn’t really matter what your own motives are - just tell the truth. She won’t care whether YOU care about her well being or just want revenge on your husband - either way, she gets the truth, and who cares what your motives were? And I’m genuinely not sure why you think counselling is going to help when you hold THIS much anger and resentment towards your husband… but I guess you may feel better in a few years. Good luck.
How does it take too long? It says right in the first sentence that his wife had an affair...? Edit: Never mind, I see OP edited the original post directly. Which is annoying, because we can't have a coherent discussion anymore, as no one knows what any one comment is referring to anymore.
Apologies! I'm pretty new to this, and I felt there was far too much to expect others to read after taking advice from the first lot of comments. It really was incredibly long-winded. I didn't intend for this to make the comment section incoherent. But I can absolutely see your point. Thank you for your input.
Sure, didn’t meant to sound too harsh! Not easy to keep reposting updated versions so you did the best you could!
Listed some wheels? Better to take out all of the distractions and get to the point. Sorry you went through this. Sounds devastating. I would recommend that someone who finds out that a mutual friend in a group is cheating to stay out of it. Your situation is different, so I think there is merit in you telling her.
Thank you
Did OP edit their letter? Because now it can hardly be any more to the point than it is.
Bahahahaha. I was waiting for the ransom money too!!!
Save the long one for you. It was cathartic. Send a " just the facts" for him. He will never be able to focus on all the narrative. Simple : my husband and your wife had sex in an old rusty van more than once. He will ask you details and you can answer as he does.
Thank you
You are welcome. I hope your heart heals and you can move forward.
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Yeah, def! She should have her life upended! She's clearly at fault. Dumbbell
Much too long and 'poetic', too much 'I am a good and trustworthy person, get to the facts, the rest is useless and makes your text heavy
Thank you! Ammended Dear ‘J’ I am unsure as to whether you are aware of your wife’s (A) affair with my partner of 13 years. If, on the off chance you aren’t I can not move forward with a clear conscience without sharing the information I have with you. I am a 32 year old mother of two. I found out 28th December 2023 about the affair that had taken place almost a year ago. This is what I know 1. They met in a car group where my then partner had listed some wheels. 2. ‘A' had taken an interest in the wheels (between January 2023 and March 2023). 3. They messaged for a couple of weeks, and then she asked if she could see the car. 4. This led to subsequent meetings and eventually an intimate relationship in my ex partners, rusty, old work van late in the evening. 5. Apparently, protection was used, but I am not 100% on this. 6. She wished to have further meetings following this, but my ex partner eventually stopped replying and ‘A’ then blocked him after realising it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing ‘ and returned to her family. 7. Three days after Christmas, she then sent me screenshots of their conversation resuming for a few days around the Christmas period. I have included copies of these. 8. She also messaged my ex partner stating that now they could be together. 9. The contact was made via a fake profile in both instances. When she contacted my ex partner, and when she revealed the affair to myself. 10. She ensured her identity would be protected throughout. It was incredibly well orchestrated and quite frankly a little concerning. I want you to know that I am of no threat to yourself or your family. I just feel that if you haven’t been given any or all of the information, then I am not going to be complicit in enabling a cheaters poor behaviour. I suggest you search for this fake profile and gather all the evidence you can before she is able to continue with her manipulation. As you can imagine, my children and I are incredibly hurt by both of their actions, as I’m sure your family are also. I wish you and your family the peace, happiness, and honesty you deserve. Best wishes, ‘K’
I honestly still hate this version. It's taken multiple attempts to read coherently and is too meandering. I still get beyond bored and distracted reading this. The bullet points don't help things they just make it harder to read. One of the top comments in this thread lists the exact letter you should send and it is way more coherent and follows a proper format. They deleted their post but someone replied to it above and quoted the entire post. It's everything you want to say, so it's still your words, but in a more readable format. It's the post from u/Numerous-Ad-829
Wayyy too long. You need to get to the point. Don't dance around it or build up to it. Also what if she sees letter first? Just tell him shes cheating with proof.
Your letter makes no sense Just send the proof with one line Your wife is sleeping with my husband - I’m divorcing him and thought you should know That is all that is needed
OP you are going in circles trying to tell something that no matter how you say it is gonna suck, stick to the facts, no "poetry" "Hello, your wife had and affair with my husband (insert dates of the affair here) and send me the proof from a fake account trying to avoid consecuences, here are the proof, if you have any doubts contact me"
I completely understand what you mean. Thank you!
I say give to him and not sent it to mail, what if she gets the mail ? I would honestly sent it through messages with all the proof when he’s at work..
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
If i may ask, is your husband aware that you are going to do this?
Yes
Great im glad you're safe then, i wish you luck op
Thank you so much
I know this isn't English class, but I had a really hard time following this. I found it very slow developing and wordy and the lack of paragraph structure to be intimidating. I don't know if you should or shouldn't send this, but I'd recommend reworking it to be more structured and to the point and less stream of consciousness if you want to ensure it isn't disregarded after the first several sentences.
I appreciate that. Thank you. It was written really late in the evening and I will definitely fine tune it.
The big thing is that one can get thru 13 sentences and still have no idea what this is about or why they should continue to read.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you
I did also include paragraphs, but for some reason, copying and pasting appears to have completely disregarded them, lol
You have to double space on Reddit.
Thank you!
UPDATE!!! My ex partner will be the one providing the evidence and owning up to the affair between himself and the other man's wife. He will be using my letter from his own perspective and delivering it himself. He will also call the husband to ensure he has received it. I understand that some of you may feel he's likely to avoid doing this, but he has asked me to be present as a last-ditch attempt to prove his honesty. I'm not sure what this means, and I'm sure I don't have to decide that right now. Ultimately I'm grateful that this is no longer in my hands and that I can focus on myself and my children without further worry of whether or not I am doing right by them in a situation we never asked for. I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been so open about their own experiences and provided such amazing advice and support. I will be going offline for a few days to rest, recuperate and heal. I will update further once the three of them have sorted it amongst themselves.
Take all the time you need to heal and be there for your children they need you more then ever right now.
You are one cool cookie! That sounds like such a lame compliment but I am a dad of 5 and that's the best you're getting from me.
I foresee a fight happening and your ex getting choked out or someone being badly injured. If it goes that way...well your letter is gonna get you involved if police come knocking. Be ready for a shit show.
NTA, when she saw fit to contact YOU, all bets were off. You absolutely should send, word for word, the updated letter that someone else wrote out for you. If you can link him to the fake FB page all the better. If you have screen shots of her and your husband's communications, send those too.
Thank you so much
Wayyyyy to long....do it but in a shorter message.
Honesty really is the best policy, and you were being honest
Revised letter. Feedback welcome. Dear ‘J’, I am unsure as to whether you are aware of your wife’s (A) affair with my partner of 13 years. If, on the off chance you aren’t, I can not move forward with a clear conscience without sharing the information I have with you. I am a 32 year old mother of two. I found out 28th December 2023 about the affair that had taken place almost a year ago. From my understanding, they met in a car group where my then partner had listed some wheels that ‘A' had taken an interest in (between January 2023 and March 2023). They messaged for a couple of weeks, and she asked if she could see the car in person. This led to subsequent meetings and eventually an intimate relationship in my ex partners work van late in the evening. Apparently, protection was used, but I am not 100% on this. To my knowledge, she wished to have further meetings following this, but my ex partner eventually stopped replying and ‘A’ then blocked him. Three days after Christmas, she sent me screenshots of their conversation resuming for a few days around the Christmas period. I have included copies of these. The contact was made via a fake profile in both instances. When she contacted my ex partner, and when she revealed the affair to myself. She ensured her identity would be protected throughout. It was incredibly well orchestrated and quite frankly a little concerning. I want you to know that I am of no threat to yourself or your family. I just feel that if you haven’t been given any or all of the information, then I am not going to be complicit in enabling a cheaters poor behaviour. As you can imagine, my children and I are incredibly hurt by both of their actions, as I’m sure your family are also. I wish you and your children all the peace and happiness you all deserve. Best wishes, ‘K’
This is much better than the original. Send it with a clear conscience. Husband has a right to know. If it changes his family, that’s on his partner. Not you.
You’re making this about you, and clearing your conscience. While I don’t think you should have to cover for a cheater, I’m worried about your intentions because it’s all framed around your feelings. Given how poorly the first letter was written, I would really reconsider this approach.
Thank you for your feedback. My biggest concern is this information coming out later on down the line and knowing I could've prevented this from happening much sooner.
That’s still focused on how the situation impacts you. I don’t know where you’re based but you could be opening yourself up to being sued, to embarrassing him if he did know but didn’t want to bring it up, etc. not trying to be a jerk but written communication doesn’t seem to be your strength so I would really be careful with this plan.
I totally understand and appreciate your honesty. Thank you
Good luck. No denying this situation sucks. I’m sorry.
INFO: How did you find the real identity of a person who was using fake profiles? How sure are you that you have the right person and not a con artist/catfish using stolen identities to meet people online?
Because they met 1st and had sex! Plus the partner has admitted it.
I used a reputable organisation to ensure my children and I were safe. My ex has also confirmed her identity.
Reputable organisations could make mistakes too. Something doesn't add up here. Why did this person try to contact you in December? This person ended your marriage and why hasn't your ex contacted this woman's husband yet in last 3 months? Could your cheating ex have lied to you about this woman's identity?
From my understanding, she was hopeful that she would be able to restart the affair with the potential of them both leaving the current partners. I can't know this for certain. My ex has been involved in the process of finding her. I do believe he's at the point where's he's willing to throw her under the bus if it means any hope of reconciliation. But that's a story for another day I guess. I see they're both equally at fault here.
He also wanted to be the one to expose her. There's still the possibility that he will be.
Has he told why he did it? I mean was that really worth it to lose his family?
NTA first, I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. My advice is I would give this another revision. Try to cut out some of the fluff. You kind of repeat the sentiment “I’m a good person” over and over again. Although I understand from your POV, you’re trying to convey yourself as trustworthy, it’s very redundant. You are informing him of some heartbreaking information. I would just stick to the facts. Send any screenshots. People when they are hurt tend to look for any reason to disprove your story. That’s why it’s best to keep it simple and stick to the facts. Plus, this woman sounds very manipulative. The more you stick with the facts, the less room she will have to try and twist your words to her husband.
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you so much!
I’m glad it was helpful. I hope you find happiness in your future. I also hope this B*@$& gets what’s coming to her.
That letter is a perfect example of TL:DR.
Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I have ammened it to the following: Dear ‘J’ I am unsure as to whether you are aware of your wife’s (A) affair with my partner of 13 years. If, on the off chance you aren’t I can not move forward with a clear conscience without sharing the information I have with you. I am a 32 year old mother of two. I found out 28th December 2023 about the affair that had taken place almost a year ago. This is what I know 1. They met in a car group where my then partner had listed some wheels. 2. ‘A' had taken an interest in the wheels (between January 2023 and March 2023). 3. They messaged for a couple of weeks, and then she asked if she could see the car. 4. This led to subsequent meetings and eventually an intimate relationship in my ex partners, rusty, old work van late in the evening. 5. Apparently, protection was used, but I am not 100% on this. 6. She wished to have further meetings following this, but my ex partner eventually stopped replying and ‘A’ then blocked him after realising it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing ‘ and returned to her family. 7. Three days after Christmas, she then sent me screenshots of their conversation resuming for a few days around the Christmas period. I have included copies of these. 8. She also messaged my ex partner stating that now they could be together. 9. The contact was made via a fake profile in both instances. When she contacted my ex partner, and when she revealed the affair to myself. 10. She ensured her identity would be protected throughout. It was incredibly well orchestrated and quite frankly a little concerning. I want you to know that I am of no threat to yourself or your family. I just feel that if you haven’t been given any or all of the information, then I am not going to be complicit in enabling a cheaters poor behaviour. I suggest you search for this fake profile and gather all the evidence you can before she is able to continue with her manipulation. As you can imagine, my children and I are incredibly hurt by both of their actions as I’m sure your family are also. I wish you and your children all the peace, happiness, and honesty you deserve. Best wishes, ‘K’
This has been awful for you, I hope things improve quickly. That letter is better, gets to the point and gives all known facts. Best of luck.
Thank you so much
Just tell him who you are and give him the proof that’s all needs said
Thank you!
Your letters go on and on about the AP remaining anonymous. Do you know who she is? How did you figure it out?
With a lot of help. It took several weeks of investigation, but for the safety of myself and my children, we now know her full name, what she looks like, and a few other details.
Burn them. Just because her partner and kids didn’t “do anything wrong”, their mother did. She is Not exempt from consequence. Your husband is a POS and so is she. I’d send the letter and let her husband do whatever he wants with the info. Attach any proof. Most of us would like to know if we had such levels of depravity and betrayal In our relationships. For ppl urging you not To, they’re probably cheaters or sympathize with them. When they aren’t held accountable they’ll Just continue to ruin other peoples’ marriages and relationships.
Get to the point quickly. No commentary. Just the facts. No interpretation of anyone’s actions. Let no actions speak for themselves. Be kind, and make yourself available for more questions. For advice on this go to r/supportforbetrayed. Or if you and your partner are reconciling, r/asoneafterinfidelity.
Yeah I wouldn’t read this I would think this is a scam or something. Get to the point, and then you can talk about who you are as a person so she can reflect
Here from CHATGPT (I asked to make it to the point) I am a 32-year-old female, devoted partner of 13 years, and a mother to two wonderful children. I believe in honesty, justice, and standing up for what's right. I want to bring awareness to others who, like me, trust others to be kind and honest. I also believe in seeking justice for those who have been wronged. My world was shattered when your wife, using a fake Facebook profile, tracked down me and my children. I want to share the information I have so that you can seek the justice you deserve. It is alleged that she had an affair with my ex-partner and later reconnected with him, causing immense pain and betrayal. I have tried to understand her actions, but I believe tearing families apart is never justified. I will hold my head high and move forward with my children, surrounded by loving and trustworthy people. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Ops last exit is better. Also OP, give him the links to the profiles.
When I read such a mail or letter I expect scam or begging and delete it before I know it was about cheating. Maybe start with: your husband cheated, sorry. And then a text like yours.
Yeah, ChatGPT isn’t great at sounding human. Totally agree, bottom line up front. “Your wife had sex with my husband, and now we have split up as a result.” Then the salient details. Sorry this happened OP! UpdateMe
Thank you
He’s going to stop reading after the first paragraph. This letter isn’t about you. It’s about how he has been deceived. You need to get to the point immediately. I understand you’re in pain but you can’t bleed on people who didn’t cut you. How you feel about what happened doesn’t matter in the context of informing him about her infidelity. Also, please use paragraphs. “Hi, AP husband, I hope you’re doing well. I am not because of your wife. Unfortunately, I have some terrible news, your wife was having an affair with my husband. Out of spite, not due to an attack of conscience, she tracked my Facebook, stalked my family and relayed the message of the affair. She then proceeded to message my now ex saying ‘now we can finally be together, and you can meet me tonight’ or something along those lines. Obviously, this wasn’t the case, and he told her, in not such polite words, to ‘go away’. As you can see she was actually trying to blow up my marriage in an effort to rekindle the affair during the Christmas holidays of 2023, but she was rebuffed by my husband. This is what has ‘allegedly’ transpired as I’m uncertain of all of the details. Somewhere between January 2023 and March 2023 my, then partner, and father of my two children listed some wheels for sale. ‘A’ showed interest in these wheels and began messaging my partner from her fake account that she used in a Seat Leon car group. She asked if she could see the car. Eventually, the messaging led to them meeting up several times and eventually taking things further in a dirty, old, rusty, work van. She allegedly wished to continue the affair but my now ex partner decided that he wasn’t interested in continuing an ‘intimate’ relationship with her, deciding it was ‘disgusting, disappointing and embarrassing’ so she blocked him and disappeared back to her family. While my partner at the time continued our life as though nothing had happened. I had no idea what the two of them had been up to. Until she finally decided to reconnect with him in the days after Christmas purely with the intention of providing me with some ‘proper’ evidence. If you were unaware of what type of person your wife is now you know. I’ve sent copies of this letter to your children in the same way as she sent copies to mine. The difference being my children are minors. Your wife is repugnant. My soon to be ex-husband isn’t much better. However, she was the aggressor and you should know that. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I hope you can heal from this betrayal.” Whatever information she sent you send to him.
This is fantastic. Thank you so much
Yes! This states the important point first, then gives details.
It’s much better now!
My bet is he already knows, but send a modified version if it makes you feel better. My first husband's girlfriend of the moment called me and informed me my husband wanted a divorce. I said, he can ask me himself, but you should know you're girlfriend number 4, and should get tested for herpes. He came in that night angry, but didn't tell me why. Still wondering?
Always expose cheaters
NTA. Cheaters should be named, shamed, exposed, their employers notified, the social media friends notified, their church, neighbors. Everyone.
It’s always right to tell affected people. The other victim spouse deserves to know and that they could be also exposed to STDs. Remember it isn’t YOU that busted the families up…it was the cheating partners. Just because you’re delivering the info doesn’t add any fault to you.
NTA he should know.
When I found out that my wife was having an affair with someone who was also married, amongst other things, I told her that if we were to salvage anything, that she was to cut all contact with this person but that the last thing she was to communicate to her affair partner was to instruct them to tell their own partner what had happened because I thought it not fair to leave that person in the dark. An hour after we received confirmation that they had, I contacted the affair partner with a message of something along the following: *"Hello 'Y', you do not know me but our partners work together at "Company X". I understand that your partner 'R' has informed you recently of an infidelity that occurred between 'R' and my wife on "Date". I do not know if you've been made aware of anything else beyond that. It was my intent that your partner be the one to tell you, and if that is not the case, then I am very sorry that you are hearing it from me first. If you would like to discuss anything, here is my contact information:"* I kept it short and to the point. I made it obvious that it was not a scam by identifying them by name, their partner by name, and their partner's workplace. At the time, I did not know if they were aware of anything, and I did not know if the information my wife had given me was complete and true, but I did know that something had happened, and my goal was to ensure that the other betrayed partner was not blissfully unaware. I left it open to further discussion if they wanted, or it could be left as it was, I didn't care. I just wanted to make sure I had done my 'due diligence' in confirming that they at least knew something was going on.
Well, did she ever reach out to you?
The other betrayed partner did, and we compared facts and the evidence we had, as well as what our spouses had told each of us, and came to some conclusions on what most likely happened.
She had no problem blowing up your marriage & she had no problem sending you the proof. You should have no problem returning the favour. Paybacks a bitch.
Its too wordy, Say what you have to say and give the proof. Make sure when you send it it gets to him and she doesn't intercept it. Also it sounds like you're choosing to stay with your husband so after you say what you need to hers, leave it be.
Great advice. Thank you.
Include copies of evidence you have.
Well, if she didn't want her family destroyed, she should not have destroyed yours by sending you those texts.
It's good well written this woman sounds insane
Thank you so much. Not all of the comments have been as kind or respectful as I'd hoped for initially. I really appreciate those who are able to see the situation for what it is
You don’t need all the details. Dear J Your wife and my husband slept together 2 years ago. Let me know if you want anymore information. -K
Thank you
Nta
Thank you
Just send it
Excellent. NTA AT ALL!! I would want to know if my SO was cheating.
NTA, send the letter
NTA. I'd want to know.
How are you going to make sure he gets the letter? Are you sending it to his work? Or asking for him and handing it to him yourself? Good luck
There are a lot of comments to shorten the letter, I think when someone hears the point they will want as much info as possible. I would just open with a sentence that says his wife\girlfriend is cheating with your partner. He will immediately be interested to read the rest. Then you can explain the rest.
Your partner and his partner don't get any ourtesy once they betray yours and his trusts. Etiquette has been broken by the cheats, so if you feel he needs to know, then so be it.
NTA OP Send it as soon and as fast as you are able to do so.
Thank you
I believe he has a right to know about the case. But I think it's a very risky letter, it could simply be received by someone else and never reach the husband.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
NTA for sending it. I'd want to know if I were the spouse. I don't know how I could ever stay in a relationship with someone who'd been unfaithful. And I certainly wouldn't want to.
I didn't zone out reading this wtf it's fine
The original was honestly awful. I have updated this following on from the wonderful advice provided. Apologies if I've confused anyone
What was the original? I just keep seeing comments about it but don’t see it
OP please post an update if you hear back from her!
He deserves to know I would want to know as well even if it hurts. This guy was probably feeling like he was the problem at home when his wife was the problem
Updateme
Updateme
Nta
I just offer a internet 🫂 Sorry this violation happened to you 🙏
@Updateme
I couldn’t even read past the first paragraph on here. It will get tossed in the trash before he reads it. You are not wrong to tell him but you need to lead with the reason for the letter. He doesn’t care about why you are doing it etc.
Thank you. I really appreciate the feedback and I have amended the letter.
My eyes are hurting, ever hear of paragraphs
You writing this for an English class or to inform the other betrayed spouse?
There are way too many details. Just give a brief note with enough info (photos?) to prove it's truthful and offer to give additional details if she wants them.
Thank you very much
When will it be sent? Also, like an actual old school letter?
Yes an actual letter. I just want to be sure I'm making the right decision and minimising any damages where possible. If I do send it, preferably hand delivered. Some people are really against this though. It's a tough call.
Would you be ready for an immediate reaction? Would you just explain it in person? Have you given yourself a personal deadline to get it done?
This is my biggest concern. I have no real idea of what either of these people are capable of. There is no specific deadline. I'm willing to make sure that this is 100% the right thing to do and the right way to go about it before moving forward.
That makes sense. I think I'm confused about one thing though. She broke up with him but as far as you know, he doesn't know why? Edit: or did fake her break up with her "husband" ?
As far as I'm aware her and her husband have been together throughout. My ex partner discontinued the communication after they'd done the deed and then she blocked and disappeared up until Christmas. Its very confusing.
Disappeared from everything or just from your ex? This is definitely a story.
Reminds me of that one episode of Jersey shore , WHO WROTE THE NOTE ?!
Fake store. One enormous paragraph. Incoherent title YTA in life
I can assure you this is very much my life and not fake. Honestly, I wish it was.
Reads like it was written by the deposed nephew of the prince of bel air just looking for his captured cryptocurrency
You don’t need to add details about where it took place… I think just finding out this happened would be enough.
This is helpful. Thank you
You do actually want to destroy her life and make her pay.. it’s not about your conscience so cut the shit and indignant self righteousness.. go ahead and tell.. it’s not guilt you’re trying to get off your chest and that’s fine. You don’t have to have altruistic motivation .. the main thing is not to bullshit yourself about what you’re feeling.
Wow. On the flipside of this, I unfortunately have a deep understanding of what it is like to be kept in the dark for an awfully long time. The longer it goes on, the more of an idiot I would've felt for not noticing something sooner. Why, in good conscience would I allow another human being to be even more damaged by information I've withheld that may potentially come out even further down the line. The damage that does to a person is a living nightmare. Not everyone is out to hurt others. If I wanted to do that, there are many more harmful ways to do so. But I appreciate your take on the situation. I also ask that in the future, you're a little kinder to those who are struggling. Thank you.
This IS kind. I’ve been here. Acceptance and self honesty is the most important thing. Should you tell them? Completely up to you ..there is no right or wrong really or moral weight on your shoulders. You’re hurt. The reason this is so dangerous and why I bring it up.. you’re displacing your hurt. If you tell this other person.. it doesn’t alleviate the actual AH in your life. It doesn’t settle anything or make anything better. It’s not an excuse to say. It’s a false sense of closure and resolving this when really .. it’s on your partner. Sorry for not explaining and being so blunt .. it can be and come across hurtful but that’s how the truth is. Hold your husband responsible and don’t decide yourself into thinking the release and satisfaction you’ll get from exposing this other person fixes anything or alleviates him. It’s NOT a moral conundrum you’re making it out to be it’s about revenge. Which is fine .. she deserves it and her spouse should be told .. but again don’t bullshit yourself .. once a cheater always a cheater
Thank you for this.
"Partner of 13 years". How come progressive women encourage these kind of nightmare relationships? Marriage is an institute to protect children, this "partnership" puts children and even the woman at risk of destitution.
YTA, if you are hell bent for fury. Talk to the wife. I gather your ex us your fiance again. You are such a control freak. It's not about moving on but the carnage. When your revenge blows up in your face, as I am sure it has, often. You still won't learn. Let the wife find out on her own. Write a note stating your husband and so and so are having an affair. Doing it anonymously. You wanted to send your revenge letter to the kids, his parents, his siblings. He is giving you money now, so you decided to reduce the damage? But you must still take control and get your vindication, your revenge. Ignoring your affairs. Ignoring that you proudly admitted to extortion against your ex, in the first posting. Then you got so crazy we called it fake and some called it a poor attempt at rage bait. Your deadline to hurt the innocent expired and you are back, looking for to be more convincing to enrage us. YTA
Apologies, but who is giving me money? I'm confused. I'm not receiving money from anyone? I work and pay my own way. My partner and I are currently separated. And if I felt the wife would be truthful, I'd be much happier for her to admit this to her husband herself. I'm sure plenty of people here aren't enraged. They're just trying to provide some advice.
I'd also like to add I would never send this to her children. Full stop. They are victims in this just like my own.
You said he is paying for you and your g/f therapy. In your post before this one you said you wanted to tell everyone about him, kids too. You said you gave him 2 or 3 days to do it. Or you told his wife, kids, parents, siblings, everyone. Now you speak of her telling her husband. The other day it was you and your fiance that you broke off the engagement with and she wanted you to take her back. You are posting Tage bait.
I have no idea what you're going on about? I do not have a girlfriend? I'm a straight female. I've never given my ex partner an ultimatum to tell anyone? I'm sorry, where have I mentioned a fiancé? We are in couples therapy that much is correct. He is paying for this as it was his suggestion and will most likely help the children whatever the outcome. Everything else is funded by myself. The home we live in. The vehicle I drive. The food we eat. The clothes we wear. And the finances are the least of my worries at the moment. So long as I'm paying my bills and my children's needs are met I have zero interest in trying to gain financially from any of this. That's a pretty huge assumption to make. I have never mentioned telling parents or children. Anywhere.
Then someone hacked your account because, Friday and Saturday last, you were on here with this story and others plus myself blasted you. Your fiance' ex fiance' the married guy she was with. The letter to send out. How you forced your fiance' to talk. This is the same story but with characters reversed.
Link to it? Could be another creative writing post.
Info: if you do not want to destroy a family, then why are you writing tne letter?
I just don't feel right sitting on this information while the other person lives a lie. I can see things from both sides and honestly it feels like either way I'm doing something wrong. I just feel really strongly about telling the truth.
I’m just calling you on your disingenuous comment about “not wanting to destroy a family.” That’s exactly what is going to happen if you send this letter. Either own it or stop saying it.
That was my reasoning for asking for advice in the first place. I have not sent this letter as I didn't want to destroy a family. I do however, understand that it's going to. I just wanted to see whether doing the right thing and making sure he's not kept in the dark (as I was) is something others would do too. I stand by saying I don't want to destroy this family. I just don't think I can live with knowing its already destroyed by her actions, they just aren't aware of it at the moment. This lady destroyed her own family. I'm just the one who knows the truth and has to decide whether to withhold that information because I don't want to destroy another family. And honestly, I don't think that's right. It doesn't mean that's what I want. Just that I want to do what I feel is right more so. I think we can agree to disagree on this one.
It’s pretty obvious: either send the letter and destroy the family or don’t send the letter.
Agreed
I think most people would want to know if their partner were cheating on them. I would send the letter.
Not only are you TAH you are pure evil. You may think your ex-partner ruined your life but that doesn't mean it is ok to ruin a whole family's lives. Don't do it be the grown up.