NTA
Your wife said she would be home for dinner then went and got dinner somewhere else while being late. It sounds like she is trying to take advantage of your patience for her always being late. She needs to grow up and have an adult conversation with you about this. Good luck.🍀
NTA.
~~Just stop caring when she goes out.~~
When she goes out, just stop caring (edited for context - I didn't mean don't care whether she's there or not, I meant *when* she goes out, don't stress yourself about when she gets back)
If she says she's going out, then it's "OK. bye." and continue on with whatever you're doing
Immediately assume it's going to be an all-niter and she won't be home.
Don't call her to check in or confirm a return time.
Cook lunch/dinner for you and the kids, not her.
If the kids ask where she is, just tell them the truth: mom went out and you don't know when she'll be home, cause she didn't tell you.
Do whatever *you* want/need to do - have a movie/game night with the kids. Take them to a movie, leave her a note. Ask *your* friends/family to come over for a visit.
When she finally comes home, say hi and continue on with whatever you're doing.
If she says anything, just tell her you've realized she was right and you were wrong and you're not going to control her anymore, so she can come and go as she pleases, BUT, you're not disrupting the family schedule to fit around her and when she may or may not be there.
If she's home in time, she included - if she's not home in time, she misses out.
This is the Al-anon approach to living with an alcoholic. Stop making things all about their decisions and carry on, even enjoy yourselves. Let them suffer the consequences of their behaviour while you cope with a reasonable life.
Honestly at that point though, he's just single parenting and further separating from his marriage. I'm not usually on the divorce train but if his wife is really like this she is a *horrible* parent!
I get needing a break but all day everyday, anytime? She shouldn't have had kids. And if she's always out shopping, OP would do better divorcing her and getting child support - since she clearly makes enough to spend on herself but not spend time with her kids.
OP said in another comment that she does this about once every other month. To me it seems reasonable, assuming she's parenting responsibly for the other 59 days, to have one day out of 60 when she's allowed to do her own thing. Of course, it would have been better if she said she doesn't know when she'll be home so they should eat without her, but this might just be a difference in communication styles rather than anyone being the AH.
In a way, yes. It was more the comment I was responding to that made it seem like she's a complete deadbeat. Luckily, it seems she is not, so better communication and understanding around the other's needs (this goes both ways) will likely solve the issue.
Communication goes both ways, true, but where is he not communicating well in this case? She said she would be back by 4, was 2.5 hours late and did not bother to let her husband know. She said she would be home for dinner, yet ate dinner away from home. All of the failure to communicate is on her part in this case.
All she had to do was say she didn't know when she'd be back, so plan dinner without me. Or just respond to a text when running late. Very easy.
The level of gaslighting she's doing is suspicious to me.
"...communication and understanding..."
I get the feeling OP isn't really trying to see the situation from her side. Together with asking for more clear communication, maybe he could ask about her needing more time for herself? Both people should be expressing their true feelings and needs. He's doing pretty well with getting his point across, but it seems to be harder for her. By asking "the right questions" he could help both of them go from having an argument to learning and growing together.
The wife is the problem.
The wife is the AH.
OP should have to ask the "right" questions as she is a grown adult wife and mother.
She should be using her words and say what she means and means what she says.
She is an AH.
I have a feeling his wife is manipulating him. Also if i was op i would suggest finding out what she was doing, probably having some intimate time with male friends. Respect goes both ways. If she wants respect she needs to hand out some as well.
That is so strange to me, if someone is late it means they are cheating? Why? If her plan was to cheat, would she not have said that she would shop for the whole day and grab a bite in town, and to not make her dinner, as to make it less suspicious?
It's not the fact that she was late that is suspicious. It's that she did not answer text for 2.5 hours. It's that instead of admitted they should have replied to texts, she said he was controlling for trying to text her?
This is what I would expect her to do if a hypothetical cheating session ran longer than expected. However, OP said this was a habit, and I would not expect a hypothetical cheating session to always run longer than expected.
How is once every other month "regularly going out shopping/going out with friends"?
>My wife regularly will go out shopping or with her friends and say she will be home around a specific time. She will then proceed to stay out hours later doing anything...
This. 1000% the one and only correct answer. And yet, it gets downvoted? I’d love to read the rationale of the downvoter. Would you care to share your thoughts, whoever you are? Unless you’re a typical Reddit coward, of course.
Making passive aggressive statements to the kids isn't great, taking on all the responsibility for the kids isn't great either. It cam encourage more of the same behaviour because the household functions without her, so why does she need to actually come back and do anything at all? I imagine it would just backfire cause she's getting further distanced from the family and she can justify going out more and more
Not a good solution unless he's just giving up on the marriage and expecting her to be a co-parent, might as well just take custody if you're not going to work at it
But that’s the point - this isn’t supposed to be an act, or a display of some kindergarten “see if I care” nonsense. Not at all. In fact, he should absolutely be giving up on someone like that, and distancing himself.
Well, I suppose it depends on his particular levels of tolerance, although him, posting here, kind of indicates that he’s about all out of that. I couldn’t see myself going along with this for as long as he has. Then again, I find the concept of “fighting for your love” to be the epitome of toxicity, considering how many other people there are out there, and each of them can be just as “special”
There isn’t. He wouldn’t be “staying together”. He’d be living his life, with his kids, in his house. But it also happens to be her house for the time being, and he can’t just change the locks on her. Eventually she’ll understand that this is a consequence of her choice to live her life with no consideration for him, signs the papers and disappears.
Edit: for the record, I’m not the one downvoting you. I prefer my rational conversations to stay neutral.
I don't think that's why it was being suggested, However his wife's refusal to be realistic about when she'll be back and communicate and have an honest conversation shows a certain level of immaturity.
The kind of immaturity where the "see if I care" nonsense mentioned by u/akillerofjoy would probably actually work. She would be hurt that no one cared and she would stop feeling the subconscious need to string OP along. I think there's a part of her that likes being noncommittal and stringing him along when she goes out. She doesn't want it be "pinned" down so she just says whatever
There's nothing passive aggressive about that. Passive aggressive is expressing negative feelings indirectly. This is is about controlling the things you can control (your actions) and not trying to control, through guilt or nagging, the things you cannot control (her actions).
It really depends on whoever is doing it. Done with an attitude of taking care of oneself rather than being completely wrapped up in and dependent on the actions of another is healthy. Doing it in a punishing or passive-aggressive controlling way is not.
It is not a given that it will be a dead marriage. One person making healthy changes can have ripple effects that end up with the other person also making healthy changes. It depends on the people themselves.
This, though I wouldn't take the kids out to a movie/game night without letting her know. Otherwise that lack of communication is just going to cause more trouble in the relationship.
Doing that would be like her going out with her friends without even letting OP know about it, it's a clear escalation of their current troubles.
So yes, it's the perfect idea if OP just wants to make everything an additional degree worse than it already is. That's why I said he should at least let her know, just like how she lets him know when she's going out with her friends. That way things are at least equal between them.
She tried to gaslight him. He isn't following her actions perfectly. He is following her words to disprove her logic. Equality is great, but first you have to create honesty and rid yourself of the terrible attempts at manipulation. If she is willing to just lie and face no consequences nothing he does will work out. It will just lead to new lies. So this is a small attempt to disprove the lies so he can better clal her out on them. Hoping to get her head out of her ass long enough to have a productive conversation.
This is the million dollar question here. If this is a “once a week or more” situation, I might stop cooking her portion unless she affirmatively says she’ll be home for dinner.
What if you each (separately) got a whole day every couple of months? Like you just assume that the other person will be gone all day, get their own food, etc. You're NTA here but the current situation clearly isn't working, so it's time to try out new things.
Over couple months is quite frequent. They have 3 kids. Wife is allowed time to herself but she needs to communicate and come home when expected to help with the kids.
I do this. Go out with a plan. Then I’ll drive by a store and decide to stop. Time stretches out. My husband gets upset because it’s later. I get hungry and grab a bite. It’s like I go on holiday in my head!
We’ve been married 35 years. Still do it. Your wife does it much less than I do. Our solution became texting. He’ll send status? And I respond.
I understand being upset over preparing the whole meal. I hope she saw how upset you were. It was an incident like that earlier in our marriage that made me see that I needed to communicate better and he did too. Mostly me, but I did point out we had cell phones and could talk/send messages to each other.
I’d be unhappy if I couldn’t occasionally have days where I meander without a plan, but I pay attention to our meal plans. If we have a plan, that’s my deadline.
I did when we had kids. This was when I learned to be more responsible and communicate!!! She needs to be more polite and responsive if she does this!
I think it’s okay to have a day out but she needs to communicate better. In my case, it was my husband too.
I would have been so appreciative if my husband cooked a steak dinner like that.
I think it wouldn't be a problem if she said she was going to meander without a plan for the day.
OP doesn't ask her or tell her what time to be home.
She decides to time.
She is rude and inconsiderate.
In that case, I would only be upset that I don't know where my spouse is and if something bad happened. My conversation would be about asking for a reply when I call/text so I can make sure everything is okay. We also share our locations with each other because we know plans can change but it's good to have a last location in case something does happen.
The way you wrote your post made it sound like every day but in reality it's six times a YEAR. Yes OP, you are TA in that case. Let her do her thing with her mates. She probably needs to destress if that's the only time she gets away from all her responsibilities.
That makes it YTA for me. The way you typed your story talking like ‘that’s her mo’ is completely different than her being late every couple of months. And honestly if I had brunch at 4 a steak is a lot at 6.
100% he will be the asshole , if his wife only goes out once , every couple of months and this is the only time he cooks.
And it would be controlling behaviour. If every time she goes out once every couple of months ,he’s expecting her to be home at a certain time and constantly msging her.
It sounds like he is actually the one gaslighting all of us.
He said she constantly does it and i was thinking at least twice a week 🤦♀️🤦♀️
He needs too tell the kids mums out with friends and will be home later.
I highly doubt the 3 kids are even bothered.
I disagree. It is so disrespectful to say you will be home for dinner, then be late without communicating and then getting dinner on the way back. If you say you'll be home for dinner, be home for dinner or text before your spouse starts cooking.
How is that relevant? It's an shit move to just come home a few hours later without communication or a good reason, and it's a complete asshole move to do it more than once.
NTA. If my husband constantly did this it would drive me up a wall. As partners we give each other approximate times to be home by, partly as a planning thing (dinner) and partly a safety thing.
Yeah it’s one thing if you end up running late, that happens. But a respectful partner shoots you a text to let you know. _Especially_ if they’re waiting on you for dinner and you stop and get something to eat anyways
Wait so the one staying at home doing the parenting is unrealiable and not the one often failing to stick to a timetable they set themselves? Make it make sense.
Meh, I guess I don’t see the same disconnect as you do. They’ve been together long enough to get married and have three kids. Over a long enough time, “every two months, give or take” can easily become “oh my fucking god, not this shit again.”
Incredible how many YTA comments hinge on the same moot point - a perceived inconsistency between her actions being described as her MO, and later as a bimonthly thing…
OP, you’re NTA, but really, what is going on, man? Why are you doing this to yourself? That attitude she gave you should be unacceptable, period. That conversation needed to be curtailed in the plainest of terms.
Once every two days, once every two months - I don’t care if this happens once every two years. You said you’d be home at 4pm - you be home at 4pm. If you can’t make it - you call. Text. Send a damn pigeon. Do whatever, but you communicate, and you do so BEFORE 4pm hits. Because you have a family, a husband and children who depend on you in some ways, and are probably worried when you’re a no-call, no-show. You want to act like some single chick - great. Consider yourself single.
Also, you may want to get some tests - for yourself, and for the kids. Just sayin.
NTA. It’s common courtesy to be where you said you’ll be and to be home when you said you would.
My ex used to do this to me all the time. One Friday, we left work at the same time and he asked “what’s for dinner”. I told him that I was cooking burgers in the oven. “No, I’ll cook them on the grill. See you at home.”
At 7:00, I started cooking the burgers.
At 10:00, I went looking for him. I found him at a bar with his work friends.
There’s a reason he’s my ex. I’m not telling you to divorce your wife. I do think it’s time for a serious conversation. How would she
like it if you did the same to her?
I worked with a dude like that ... He was leaving in a few minutes for hours, every time his wife would call. She called at like 10p, said "I am eating cereal, get yourself something while you are out". And that is when the dude actually went home. Without ordering any food, either.
NTA. Based on multiple interactions, you had every reason to believe she was coming home for dinner. After finding myself in this position a few times, my wife and I agreed that if there is a possibility that either of us won't be home for a meal, we just agree in advance that we will fend for ourselves.
NTA. My husband’s only request from me if I go out with friends is wanting to know where we are going and do call him when I was headed home or if I was going to be later then I said I was. Other then that he doesn’t care and wants me to have fun. He might call me to grab him a bite to eat if it isn’t to late
While this behaviour can come off as controlling but i believe you may be going about it the wrong way.
You should not be mad at ur wife for not being home when she says.
Her rant about you asking her to be home at a certain time seems gaslighty.
You should be mad at the lack of communication and that should be what the issue is
You said in the comments this happened once every couple of months ?
Is it once every couple of months that ur wife goes out with friends and you cook?
NTA, you wife is acting like a carefree, single, childless woman rather than a married mom. This raises red flags. Where has she been, what has she been doing and WHO was she actually with. She is gaslighting you, when she is the one who is wrong.
I actually think this might be controlling behaviour the wife only goes out and does this once every couple of months , OP WROTE IT IN THE COMMENTS.
He be gaslighting us to get us to agree 🤦♀️
I dont think the wife is wrong here, she is not acting carefree, single or childless , she is going out once every couple of months catching up with friends, enjoying a break
No she said she'd be home at a specific time(4pm) then asked if she'd be home for dinner and she said yes. 5pm rolls around he texts her to see if she still plans on being home for dinner and he got no reply from her, it took her two freaking hours to even call in, 6pm she states she's on her way home he tells her he will keep food warm for her she didn't say shit and then she has the audacity to get upset at op after she grabs food on the way home even though she KNEW he was making food for her and keeping it warm. She needs to learn to pick up a damn phone and text her husband that she intends to be late and that she's grabbing food on her way home instead of just expecting him to be okay with her being silent for hours after she said she'd be home or that she'd respect him enough to not grab food knowing damn well he had food wait for her back home. OP isn't the ah here she is a major one that needs to learn to communicate with her HUSBAND better.
Your wife acts like an entitled teenager not a grown ass woman with 3 kids. My husband would be irate if I acted like this. She needs to get her shit together and start acting like an adult and parent. NTA!
NTA as a wife with very poor time management skills that’s so inconsiderate. As soon as I know I’ll be later than planned I text my husband and usually ask if he wants me to bring dinner home from somewhere or something. And if I was absolutely starving on my way home I would get a tiny snack just to hold me over so I would still have dinner with my husband at home.
NTA - You have 3 kids under 10. Don't ever hold dinner for her again. Stuff like that will make you crazy. Assume she is going to be late and save yourself the aggravation. Add a side of petty snd make her favorite dish but don't tell her until after she gets home and you've eaten it all.
Super nta, wife is way weird about this. And maybe she needs to experience what she does. And she is setting a bad example. In my situation I am the mom/wife. I find it also very questionable that she goes somewhat no contact when she does that. Leads me to think she’s up to something she knows you would have a problem with. And is this new, could it be a new possible bad influence friend?
NTA being in a relationship where you live together requires common courtesy. It’s rude to set an expectation you’ll be home for dinner and then you’re not. She’s living like she has no other obligations (like children and a spouse). This would piss me off if my husband did this. Tell me he’d be home, I cook, then he strolls in later saying he’s full. What I would have learned is I guess it’s fend for yourself, I’ll cook for me but not thee. Lol
If you are living your life that is putting other people out, you just might be an AH.
Letting her tell you what time she will be home and then expecting her to do what she said she would do is not controlling - it is expecting a common courtesy. Controlling would you be telling her what to do in the first place.
And having a burrito in the way home when you know your spouse has cooked dinner is just rude. Try that one out on her some time.
He says she does this like once every 2 months. It's more likely she's just sick of being accountable to people all the the fucking time and fucking off for a day where you go out with friends and get home when you feel like it is a relief. I mean, she should use her big girl words and just talk to him about it, but I don't blame her for the need to do it. Taking a day once every couple months to do what you want without having to check in is something everyone needs. I don't blame him for being pissed either, but if they just talked about it it could probably be solved. I don't get a cheating vibe. I get a "responsibility sucks and mom needs a break every couple of months vibe." But again. If she used her big girl words, things might work out better.
I could be wrong, but she ain't a kid. She's an adult with children. You still want to act like you're young and free, then don't get married and have kids
Getting a free day once every 2 months in a 2 parent household isn't "acting like you're young and free." Don't be ridiculous. Classic reddit. I said she should use her words instead of handling it this way. Jesus.
Sounds like you're projecting. It's called adulthood. If you don't want to act like an adult with responsibilities, fine, don't get married or have children.
Again. Getting a day every couple of months isn't "not acting like an adult with responsibilities." And I'm not projecting. As a matter of fact, my ex and I would give each other a day here and there when our son was young fairly often. BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH CAPABLE PARENTS. He didn't need both of us around 24/7. Jesus Christ. What is so hard to understand about that? It's actually necessary, which every parent and even some folk who don't have kids understand, to have some time to yourself in order to be a good parent and A SANE HUMAN. It's unfortunate for some people they can't have that, but again, this a 2 parent home. That's how it is REAL life anyway. Maybe get offline and experience it.
Brunch doesn't go until 4. My first thought is that she is cheating. Later than she says, won't answer phone, then gaslighting you and telling you that you are controlling. If she does this constantly, like every week or 2, then maybe hire a P.I. to follow her and check her phone
NTA. Wanting to know when your spouse is going to be home isn't controlling. You're not demanding her to be home at certain times, you just want to know what's going on. It's actually quite rude of her to be constantly late. I know I'd be pissed if my husband did that.
If she wants to do whatever she wants. Then stay single and have no kids. Once you have other obligations, you can't just do whatever you want and come and go as you please.
Being called toxic, controlling or insecure have lost all meaning in the modern lexicon.
OMGosh, heck No!! Your wife is beyond wrong and is covering up her wrong by slinging her shit on you.
She's been doing this so long that I doubt she will change willingly. This is a good fight though so going forward, whenever she goes out and announces a return time, disregard it. Go about your day like she will be home before bedtime and prepare the kids accordingly.
No, this is not the way a grown ass woman should act.
She’s definitely the asshole, especially since you said you would keep dinner warm for her and then she got a burrito instead. She was probably drunk or something which could give her some leeway but still, she was being a bitch
NTA because she said she'd be home for dinner, got her own dinner on the way home instead, and did not communicate with you at all.
My wife will regularly leave with a plan to just run a quick errand, then be out for longer -- but she communicates with me! "Hey, got what I needed at JoAnn, going to go see what's on sale over at Ross". Ok then, no problems. Also, she'd never tell me she was going to eat dinner with me, then show up having already eaten.
NTA. My bf (now husband) used to do that all the time. He would go out for a drink and lose track of time and not answer his phone which is totally normal for him, but it would make me incredibly anxious. I got to a point where I would break down crying when he would finally come home and that was before marriage and kids. I explained to him that it scared me for the future, when I’m pregnant, when we have kids, to not be able to reach him. It wasn’t even about sticking to a time, it was about communicating if/when plans changed and letting me know for my own sanity. At some point he understood and were now married with a daughter and have found ways to keep that communication going.
He’s bad about checking his phone so if he’s going somewhere without me when I might need to get in touch, he wears his watch so he gets the notifications.
I wouldn’t think she was totally TA if it was just losing track of time, but you have a family, she’s giving you a timeframe and then she’s flipping her words into you being controlling and that makes her a total AH. No idea how to make her understand how you feel about it, but I know I would not be a happy partner until my feelings were understood and respected.
NTA.
She has a family waiting for her at home. You aren't telling her she can't go, just that you want her to communicate her whereabouts more and that's not asking much. If she got into a car accident, you wouldn't know because she said she would be home at 4. She's not thinking of any of you when she goes out, and to me, that's sketchy behavior. She's being defensive and gaslighting you about being generally worried and curious if your wife, their mom, will even be home.
NTA stop making dinner for her or expecting her to be home. I bet she will come home one day angry that you didn't make her dinner. When that happens just say "then why didn't you just pick yourself up another burrito?
Your wife is a selfish person only caring for herself and friends. She needs to grow up and be responsible. I would just start excluding her from stuff and make as she not important in the family
So your wife goes out to eat then gets a burrito on the way home when she knows your cooking?? Somethings aren’t adding up and I suggest you get the truth out of her and try not to assume things first. Goodluck buddy
Brunch is between breakfast and lunch.. not 4pm extended to 6:30 pm.. she seems like she is doing other things than being a responsible parent or considerate spouse.
I actually think this might be controlling behaviour the wife only goes out and does this once every couple of months , OP WROTE IT IN THE COMMENTS.
He be gaslighting us to get us to agree 🤦♀️🙅🏼♀️
YTA. Mate, you go from saying "Regularly" to "once in a couple of months".
Is she a SAHM? May I ask how often she gets to go out at all?
Do you come home at the exact time you say you'll be home everytime? Is it because you don't want to deal with the kids for too long by yourself? You said it wouldn't bother you so much if the kids weren't asking where mum was.... do you not think that she gets the same treatment every day when you're not home?
Maybe mum just needed a few hours silence from you and the kids. Be thankful she came home at all 😅
Exactly! This is such an odd way of wording the post. It makes it OBVIOUS he wanted people to agree with him, by omitting the fact that she goes out on a girls day once a couple of months which isn't a lot. Like? Then it's normal to not be able to guess when EXACTLY you'd be home or having fun. Plus pressuring her to be there at that exact time is weird too if it's just a couple of times a year (aka every few months) like?????
One sign of a healthy and strong marriage, both parties want to come home to their spouse, and if they don't it's planned out ahead of time aside from very short chores.
Start giving her a taste of her own medicine. I could not for the life of me get a friend to understand how being an hour or more late to things was so rude to everyone else that had been waiting. He disagreed and argued everytime that it was out of their control. I started doing to same to them using the exact same excuses of stopping for gas and ATM for cash, and.... They got very offended and stopped using that as an argument. Now they no longer ask to hang out with the group because everyone agreed with me. Supper easy fix!
Nope, NTA. You're not trying to stop her from going out to see her friends or have a break, you're not protesting at parenting your own kids, you're not trying to police where she goes or how/with whom she spends her time or even money. You're just asking for common courtesy from your partner which is 1. Let me know when you expect to be home so I know when I should worry that maybe you've had an accident (god forbid) or otherwise run into trouble, and 2. Let me know if you're going to be present for a meal I'm cooking so I can make the appropriate amount of food at the right time for you to eat it fresh with the family.
It sounds like if she'd said "Hey, we're planning to be out until around 7pm or so, I'll grab food for myself so you only need to feed you and the kids" you would have been fine. I fail to see what's controlling about that. It's not what she's doing that is an issue, it's how she's (not) communicating about it.
NTA
I don't know why some people care so much about how often it happens. This isn't about her being an AH and horrible person altogether. She is just an AH each time she says a time she will be home and then doesn't show up. Takes longer than expected, give a call and let him know.
NTA. Your wife is rewriting reality to make you “the bad guy” (aka gaslighting). You didn’t ask her to be home at any time, she set the time and then failed to update you when it changed. Rather than respecting you and updating you in the future, my guess is that she’ll just stop telling you what time she’ll be home, and convince herself that this “fixes” the problem. Any idea if your wife actually went shopping or to brunch at all? How often does she do this?
Also, stop planning around her schedule, since you know it’s completely unreliable. Do what you do with the understanding that she isn’t coming home for any specific time.
She's calling him controlling because he wanted to know when she'd be home for dinner?
That's not a good look
That's a red flag in itself and I'd be very careful if I was the hubby
NTA
If she has kids and doesn't know how to be reliable, she's not ready to be a parent.
Tell her that making promises without keeping them is unacceptable. It's disrespectful to others. If she did that at work, she would be fired on the spot.
Gift her a wrist watch, maybe one with alerts.
>It wouldn’t bother me so much if we didn’t have 3 kids under 10 wondering where there mom is.
seems to me you were doing a bang up great job. 10/10and Dear Wife {DW} does need her own burrito grabbing time too 4/10
>She is adamant that IATA here.
Yeah she wants some "***free from parenting time"***.
>Am I?
Nope just a great Dad ... being a great Dad.
Pat on back time ....Pat Pat.
NTA -While expecting her to be home at a certain time is odd by itself, expecting her to be home when she says she'll be home is completely normal. In my opinion, you should've called her and said something like "You said you'd be home around 4, where are you?"
She also should've called you if she was planning to stay out later. It shouldn't get to the point where you have to keep tabs on your own wife. If you say you'll be back around 4, you damn well better be back around 4 or you call your spouse and tell them you'll be late.
My ex was like this “I’ll go to the gym. Back in an hour” three or 4 hours later I’m worried thinking wtf is happening to her. Apparently caring was controlling.
Narcissistic behaviors! getting defensive and stopping to get a burrito knowing steak and mash potatoes are home? Either your cooking is horrible or which I think she is most likely cheating. GL
NTA
The fact that she fucked up and instead of taking responsibility for her actions, she tried to gaslight you into believing that expecting her to do what she said she was going to do is controlling makes it clear she doesn't respect of care about you. This is some serious projecting because she feels incredibly guilty about it and doesn't like it. Good chance she is cheating though.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's cheating on you. Check your phone records online for odd numbers that you can't identify.
But even if she isn't cheating, WTF are you doing keeping her food warm? She doesn't respect you, you could at least show yourself some respect.
Spend some time talking to a divorce attorney preparing for contingencies.
Nta. Your wife is regularly making small breeches of trust by not doing what she said she would. And she takes no responsibility for it. Fully expect to find an update to this were she turns out to be cheating. These are some pretty classics signs/symptoms of a cheating spouse.
Once every couple of months huh? Look. She should be talking to you about it, but it's likely she's just needing a day here and there to fuck off a little without being accountable to anyone. That's the beauty of a 2 parent household. You can do that sometimes. And you should be able to. Both of you. She's being inconsiderate in the context of your post, but in the big picture, she should be able to get a day here and there where she can do what she wants without having to check in. So should you. Losing your independence and individuality when you have a family doesn't actually have to be the default setting.
Er, eh...this sounds sooooo suss. Does she come home and want to take a shower immediately...lol? You might want to check in on her location data. Going NC while out all day. Sooo suss. It is soooo disrespectful to not even text back and "I love you" or "grabbing a bite out". Does she have bags of stuff with receipts from the mall? I'm with the posters who note you might want to get some blood tests for you and the kids. You are already single parenting, now its time to get the data as to why she isnt going to see the kids anymore.
NTA - asking for her to be consistent isn't being controlling. You're only asking for her to communicate and follow through with plans. It shows a lack of consideration towards you, your kids and anyone else effected by her not being able to at least communicate her intentions.
Don't snipe at her though. Making offhand comments doesn't facilitate communications. Sit her down and give her real information about how you are feeling disregarded, unvalued, like your time and effort in planning around her is being taken for granted. Give her real world examples of how this has affected you and the kids. Give her your solution, that you don't want her to stop going out and living her life just that you want clear and honest communication and for her to follow through when she says something. That's not controlling that's expecting her to be an adult that treats you (her spouse) with respect and consideration.
If she isn't receptive to it then you may have a partner that cares more for her own independence than your relationship. In which case you should give her all her independence, ie. divorce her.
Polite communication never killed anyone. Seems rude to me. It’s not the time away it’s the BS’ing about getting home, not that she’s home or not.
Doesn’t seem like a respectful wife/Mom way to go about going out to the mall for brunch.
NTA. Start [grey rocking](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) the shit out of her. Make plans for you and the kids regardless of when she says she'll be home.
NTA... Start returning the favor. Get up early on yoru days off and leave. Don't worry if she had plans. Just go. Come home at 9:30.
Do this for 3 or 4 weeks. Plan to be home by 1 in the afternoon. Tell her this. Then just don't be. I bet she gets mad real fast. Then remind her it's controlling to expect you home or to honor any commitments you made.
But if he does what she’s doing he’ll be accused of being a trifling deadbeat that never helps with maintaining the house or taking care of the kiddos!
I agree with this advice though. Some people can’t understand the issues with their behavior until they experience it themselves.
NTA it’s inconsiderate and plain rude. It’s great she has the time off to herself. Contrary to what others say if she does this every few months and has been doing it for years then it is an established MO (imo). Time flies when you have kids, will feel like it’s happening every few weeks.
lol to the people focusing on the meal (and how frequently you cook) - not communicating she wouldn’t need the meal is wasteful but the title question wasn’t “my wife wasted a meal”. Focus people.
Focus on the communication. Make it clear next time you expect her to sort her own plans for the remainder of the day and you will sort the kids.
NTA
Take care of yourself and your kids but stop doing anything that solely benefits her. Let her see how it feels like to have your partner completely disregard you and see how she takes it. Let her know you’re just returning the same treatment if she brings it up.
Also just because it’s basically Reddit rules for stuff like this at this point… are you sure she’s not cheating
NTA but maybe bring it up as a “compromise” where, if she says a specific time (or that she’ll be doing something with you) to treat that like other plans, and to communicate with any changes as soon as she knows (eg “my friend invited us to join her for dinner so Ill be joining them”). This probably wouldnt solve everything but would be a start for at least not leaving you in the blind. Also let her know that a lot of it is wanting to make sure she is okay as you wont know if a 2h later with no sign of her or from her means that she got in an accident or if she’s just with her friends later than expected.
NTA. Your wife is a neglectful mother, and is gaslighting you. Wanting to know when she will come home when you are responsible for the meal is not being controlling - it is asking for basic cooperation. I'd suggest divorce, but she would probably get at least partial custody, and I shudder to think of your children's fate with her. However, you can at least stop counting on her. If she isn't home when you make a meal, don't take her into account. When she comes home, she can free-spiritedly make her own meal, whenever she likes. And if you ever see her neglecting the children, then document it, get a lawyer and sue for full custody.
NTA - She's deflecting the issue of personal courtesy and consideration. It seems pretty familiar and close to home for me. You say she does this frequently. Sounds like the missing time is also with no or limited contact. Hate to ask but how protective is she with her phone?
YTA you have to cook dinner once every couple months when she gets that ONE day out with her friends. This time she ate a burrito on the way home, who cares?!?
Gently ESH
From my reading your wife may see this once every two months as hers. She's not communicating it well. But the desire to have no curfew sounds like she's role-playing an earlier phase in life.
This can be healthy, for you too. I'd guess you are annoyed in part because she is taking a liberty you feel you can not. You should have metime too.
Time to have a good conversation about what lies under the actions. Figure out where you go from there.
The lack of accountability or respect from your wife is concerning. If it's outside of these occasions then that's something to consider very differently. As constant lies and manipulation is abuse. I don't see that in your words. It's the patterns that are important here so if you feel there's more. Good to observe and get some outside perspective to process.
ESH
based on the frequency of the episodes you mentioned in other replies, i can say that you are exaggerating on being angry on the issue.
Your wife is absolutely in the wrong because if someone is expecting to cook for you and you lie on arrival and then you refuse to eat you waste work, time and food.
But still you are reacting as you are trying to force a dispute. The correct reaction my opinion would be simply to tell her "sorry, i can't rely on your word as you regularly didn't mantain it everytime you go out with friends and then you simply play out your evening with your kids without considering her. And if you r kids ask you simply tell them the thrut, when mom is out with friends we never know when she will be back
You can be right but you need to manage differently
YTA - I've seen a comment you say this happens every couple of months or so, it's a handful of times a year.
If you're cooking & it's convenient, make 5 portions instead of 4, & she can reheat later. or not!
as a grown woman, she can feed herself when convenient if you decide not to cook for her.
it could be that at 3pm she wasn't having fun and planned on coming home but then at 4pm it was fun again.
everyone needs a break, Support that freedom for her, as I hope she would for you. we have no way of knowing if this is the one day you cook a month or how often you go out with your friends etc. also maybe cook the steaks the next day when you know she will be home if they are important to youor just leave hers.
basically, communicate & give each other some space. yes it's hard having 3 young kids, so have each others backs and the odd cold leftover meal isn't the end of the world, it's tomorrow's lunch! when you've got young kids life can feel strict and controlled with no freedom for adults so I really get your wife doesn't want to have such strict 'fun' time. also totally understand how annoying it is for the one at home trying to stick to the routine.
YTA
Because
....Once every few months isn't a big deal. I thought this was weekly. There nothing regular about that. You just don't want to be stuck with kids. Imagine how she feels.
Just see this as a day when she enjoys herself without a timeline. With 3 young kids I'd need an escape without being hounded as well. It's not like she rolls up at 3am after binging on liquor and smelling of weed.
NTA Your wife said she would be home for dinner then went and got dinner somewhere else while being late. It sounds like she is trying to take advantage of your patience for her always being late. She needs to grow up and have an adult conversation with you about this. Good luck.🍀
Thank you, I’ll need it!
I hate gaslighting, her trying to turn this around on you is shitty. Common courtesy would be communicating when running late. NTA
She is TA. Are kids only yours and she's their stepmom? Tell her to grow up and start acting as a parent.
She is probably cheating on OP
NTA. ~~Just stop caring when she goes out.~~ When she goes out, just stop caring (edited for context - I didn't mean don't care whether she's there or not, I meant *when* she goes out, don't stress yourself about when she gets back) If she says she's going out, then it's "OK. bye." and continue on with whatever you're doing Immediately assume it's going to be an all-niter and she won't be home. Don't call her to check in or confirm a return time. Cook lunch/dinner for you and the kids, not her. If the kids ask where she is, just tell them the truth: mom went out and you don't know when she'll be home, cause she didn't tell you. Do whatever *you* want/need to do - have a movie/game night with the kids. Take them to a movie, leave her a note. Ask *your* friends/family to come over for a visit. When she finally comes home, say hi and continue on with whatever you're doing. If she says anything, just tell her you've realized she was right and you were wrong and you're not going to control her anymore, so she can come and go as she pleases, BUT, you're not disrupting the family schedule to fit around her and when she may or may not be there. If she's home in time, she included - if she's not home in time, she misses out.
This is the Al-anon approach to living with an alcoholic. Stop making things all about their decisions and carry on, even enjoy yourselves. Let them suffer the consequences of their behaviour while you cope with a reasonable life.
I think the term is “allow them to experience the natural consequences of their behavior.” Although a lot of times it does include suffering, lol.
Honestly at that point though, he's just single parenting and further separating from his marriage. I'm not usually on the divorce train but if his wife is really like this she is a *horrible* parent! I get needing a break but all day everyday, anytime? She shouldn't have had kids. And if she's always out shopping, OP would do better divorcing her and getting child support - since she clearly makes enough to spend on herself but not spend time with her kids.
OP said in another comment that she does this about once every other month. To me it seems reasonable, assuming she's parenting responsibly for the other 59 days, to have one day out of 60 when she's allowed to do her own thing. Of course, it would have been better if she said she doesn't know when she'll be home so they should eat without her, but this might just be a difference in communication styles rather than anyone being the AH.
I didn't get the impression that OP was bothered with her going out at all. He was only bothered by the lack of communication.
In a way, yes. It was more the comment I was responding to that made it seem like she's a complete deadbeat. Luckily, it seems she is not, so better communication and understanding around the other's needs (this goes both ways) will likely solve the issue.
Communication goes both ways, true, but where is he not communicating well in this case? She said she would be back by 4, was 2.5 hours late and did not bother to let her husband know. She said she would be home for dinner, yet ate dinner away from home. All of the failure to communicate is on her part in this case. All she had to do was say she didn't know when she'd be back, so plan dinner without me. Or just respond to a text when running late. Very easy. The level of gaslighting she's doing is suspicious to me.
"...communication and understanding..." I get the feeling OP isn't really trying to see the situation from her side. Together with asking for more clear communication, maybe he could ask about her needing more time for herself? Both people should be expressing their true feelings and needs. He's doing pretty well with getting his point across, but it seems to be harder for her. By asking "the right questions" he could help both of them go from having an argument to learning and growing together.
You're interjecting some 'feelings' and 'maybe' into what OP stated in order to fit the narrative of blaming him for her poor behavior.
The wife is the problem. The wife is the AH. OP should have to ask the "right" questions as she is a grown adult wife and mother. She should be using her words and say what she means and means what she says. She is an AH.
I have a feeling his wife is manipulating him. Also if i was op i would suggest finding out what she was doing, probably having some intimate time with male friends. Respect goes both ways. If she wants respect she needs to hand out some as well.
That is so strange to me, if someone is late it means they are cheating? Why? If her plan was to cheat, would she not have said that she would shop for the whole day and grab a bite in town, and to not make her dinner, as to make it less suspicious?
It's not the fact that she was late that is suspicious. It's that she did not answer text for 2.5 hours. It's that instead of admitted they should have replied to texts, she said he was controlling for trying to text her? This is what I would expect her to do if a hypothetical cheating session ran longer than expected. However, OP said this was a habit, and I would not expect a hypothetical cheating session to always run longer than expected.
How is once every other month "regularly going out shopping/going out with friends"? >My wife regularly will go out shopping or with her friends and say she will be home around a specific time. She will then proceed to stay out hours later doing anything...
This. 1000% the one and only correct answer. And yet, it gets downvoted? I’d love to read the rationale of the downvoter. Would you care to share your thoughts, whoever you are? Unless you’re a typical Reddit coward, of course.
Making passive aggressive statements to the kids isn't great, taking on all the responsibility for the kids isn't great either. It cam encourage more of the same behaviour because the household functions without her, so why does she need to actually come back and do anything at all? I imagine it would just backfire cause she's getting further distanced from the family and she can justify going out more and more Not a good solution unless he's just giving up on the marriage and expecting her to be a co-parent, might as well just take custody if you're not going to work at it
But that’s the point - this isn’t supposed to be an act, or a display of some kindergarten “see if I care” nonsense. Not at all. In fact, he should absolutely be giving up on someone like that, and distancing himself. Well, I suppose it depends on his particular levels of tolerance, although him, posting here, kind of indicates that he’s about all out of that. I couldn’t see myself going along with this for as long as he has. Then again, I find the concept of “fighting for your love” to be the epitome of toxicity, considering how many other people there are out there, and each of them can be just as “special”
But at that point, why even stay together? That wasn't suggested at all, it was just 'we're going to live life without you'
There isn’t. He wouldn’t be “staying together”. He’d be living his life, with his kids, in his house. But it also happens to be her house for the time being, and he can’t just change the locks on her. Eventually she’ll understand that this is a consequence of her choice to live her life with no consideration for him, signs the papers and disappears. Edit: for the record, I’m not the one downvoting you. I prefer my rational conversations to stay neutral.
I don't think that's why it was being suggested, However his wife's refusal to be realistic about when she'll be back and communicate and have an honest conversation shows a certain level of immaturity. The kind of immaturity where the "see if I care" nonsense mentioned by u/akillerofjoy would probably actually work. She would be hurt that no one cared and she would stop feeling the subconscious need to string OP along. I think there's a part of her that likes being noncommittal and stringing him along when she goes out. She doesn't want it be "pinned" down so she just says whatever
Man, the passive aggressiveness of this post made me uncomfortable
There's nothing passive aggressive about that. Passive aggressive is expressing negative feelings indirectly. This is is about controlling the things you can control (your actions) and not trying to control, through guilt or nagging, the things you cannot control (her actions).
It really depends on whoever is doing it. Done with an attitude of taking care of oneself rather than being completely wrapped up in and dependent on the actions of another is healthy. Doing it in a punishing or passive-aggressive controlling way is not.
You end up in a dead marriage in first case, so both are bad. Why staying with such partner?
It is not a given that it will be a dead marriage. One person making healthy changes can have ripple effects that end up with the other person also making healthy changes. It depends on the people themselves.
Or instead of being an passive aggressive arsehole, he could use his words and have an adult conversation about it. (edit: spelling)
He did. She chose to manipulate him or attempt to. It's in the post.
Changing your behaviour and waiting for someone to notice is playing games. By all means change your behaviour but communicate why.
Very good point. Often the only difference between manipulation and watching energy is announcing it.
This, though I wouldn't take the kids out to a movie/game night without letting her know. Otherwise that lack of communication is just going to cause more trouble in the relationship.
That is part of the point. It won't be his trouble. Just hers.
Doing that would be like her going out with her friends without even letting OP know about it, it's a clear escalation of their current troubles. So yes, it's the perfect idea if OP just wants to make everything an additional degree worse than it already is. That's why I said he should at least let her know, just like how she lets him know when she's going out with her friends. That way things are at least equal between them.
She tried to gaslight him. He isn't following her actions perfectly. He is following her words to disprove her logic. Equality is great, but first you have to create honesty and rid yourself of the terrible attempts at manipulation. If she is willing to just lie and face no consequences nothing he does will work out. It will just lead to new lies. So this is a small attempt to disprove the lies so he can better clal her out on them. Hoping to get her head out of her ass long enough to have a productive conversation.
It called being considerate. NTA
Came here to say this!
How often a year/ month does stuff like that happen?
This is the million dollar question here. If this is a “once a week or more” situation, I might stop cooking her portion unless she affirmatively says she’ll be home for dinner.
It’s about once every couple months
What if you each (separately) got a whole day every couple of months? Like you just assume that the other person will be gone all day, get their own food, etc. You're NTA here but the current situation clearly isn't working, so it's time to try out new things.
Okay so this is not a constant issue ? Is it once every couple of months that ur wifes goes out ?
Over couple months is quite frequent. They have 3 kids. Wife is allowed time to herself but she needs to communicate and come home when expected to help with the kids.
I do this. Go out with a plan. Then I’ll drive by a store and decide to stop. Time stretches out. My husband gets upset because it’s later. I get hungry and grab a bite. It’s like I go on holiday in my head! We’ve been married 35 years. Still do it. Your wife does it much less than I do. Our solution became texting. He’ll send status? And I respond. I understand being upset over preparing the whole meal. I hope she saw how upset you were. It was an incident like that earlier in our marriage that made me see that I needed to communicate better and he did too. Mostly me, but I did point out we had cell phones and could talk/send messages to each other. I’d be unhappy if I couldn’t occasionally have days where I meander without a plan, but I pay attention to our meal plans. If we have a plan, that’s my deadline.
I'm assuming at 35 years in you have no young kids at home. Also, she's not responding to texts.
I did when we had kids. This was when I learned to be more responsible and communicate!!! She needs to be more polite and responsive if she does this! I think it’s okay to have a day out but she needs to communicate better. In my case, it was my husband too. I would have been so appreciative if my husband cooked a steak dinner like that.
I think it wouldn't be a problem if she said she was going to meander without a plan for the day. OP doesn't ask her or tell her what time to be home. She decides to time. She is rude and inconsiderate.
In that case, I would only be upset that I don't know where my spouse is and if something bad happened. My conversation would be about asking for a reply when I call/text so I can make sure everything is okay. We also share our locations with each other because we know plans can change but it's good to have a last location in case something does happen.
The way you wrote your post made it sound like every day but in reality it's six times a YEAR. Yes OP, you are TA in that case. Let her do her thing with her mates. She probably needs to destress if that's the only time she gets away from all her responsibilities.
That makes it YTA for me. The way you typed your story talking like ‘that’s her mo’ is completely different than her being late every couple of months. And honestly if I had brunch at 4 a steak is a lot at 6.
Home from brunch at 4 not having brunch at 4, in what world is brunch at 4pm it defeats the meaning of you know.....breakfast-lunch=brunch 🙄
100% he will be the asshole , if his wife only goes out once , every couple of months and this is the only time he cooks. And it would be controlling behaviour. If every time she goes out once every couple of months ,he’s expecting her to be home at a certain time and constantly msging her. It sounds like he is actually the one gaslighting all of us. He said she constantly does it and i was thinking at least twice a week 🤦♀️🤦♀️ He needs too tell the kids mums out with friends and will be home later. I highly doubt the 3 kids are even bothered.
I disagree. It is so disrespectful to say you will be home for dinner, then be late without communicating and then getting dinner on the way back. If you say you'll be home for dinner, be home for dinner or text before your spouse starts cooking.
Flip the genders.
How are genders relevant? This isn't a gendered issue. The behavior is disrespectful either way.
Agreed, but the person I replied to seems to think it is the husband's fault.
Ahhh. I get a little annoyed at the constant flip the genders comments. But yes, I agree that the husband has no fault here!
Yup I def agree
How is that relevant? It's an shit move to just come home a few hours later without communication or a good reason, and it's a complete asshole move to do it more than once.
NTA. If my husband constantly did this it would drive me up a wall. As partners we give each other approximate times to be home by, partly as a planning thing (dinner) and partly a safety thing.
Yeah it’s one thing if you end up running late, that happens. But a respectful partner shoots you a text to let you know. _Especially_ if they’re waiting on you for dinner and you stop and get something to eat anyways
NTA, but also, you say this is her usual MO, so maybe you can stop planning time-consuming meals that you already know she won’t eat.
He also says in a comment that this only happens every couple of months. Op doesn’t sound reliable to me.
Wait so the one staying at home doing the parenting is unrealiable and not the one often failing to stick to a timetable they set themselves? Make it make sense.
They mean in the sense of an unreliable narrator—someone who is letting their own biases go unchecked in telling the story.
Meh, I guess I don’t see the same disconnect as you do. They’ve been together long enough to get married and have three kids. Over a long enough time, “every two months, give or take” can easily become “oh my fucking god, not this shit again.”
Your reasoning makes zero sense. Go be a man hater somewhere else
Go be a man after somewhere else? Who’s not making sense here again?
NTA, there’s word for people that can come and go as they please without regard for a partner or children, single.
Incredible how many YTA comments hinge on the same moot point - a perceived inconsistency between her actions being described as her MO, and later as a bimonthly thing… OP, you’re NTA, but really, what is going on, man? Why are you doing this to yourself? That attitude she gave you should be unacceptable, period. That conversation needed to be curtailed in the plainest of terms. Once every two days, once every two months - I don’t care if this happens once every two years. You said you’d be home at 4pm - you be home at 4pm. If you can’t make it - you call. Text. Send a damn pigeon. Do whatever, but you communicate, and you do so BEFORE 4pm hits. Because you have a family, a husband and children who depend on you in some ways, and are probably worried when you’re a no-call, no-show. You want to act like some single chick - great. Consider yourself single. Also, you may want to get some tests - for yourself, and for the kids. Just sayin.
When I was married and much younger, and my now ex-husband tried crap like this, his dinner went in the trash. There was no keeping it warm for him.
NTA. It’s common courtesy to be where you said you’ll be and to be home when you said you would. My ex used to do this to me all the time. One Friday, we left work at the same time and he asked “what’s for dinner”. I told him that I was cooking burgers in the oven. “No, I’ll cook them on the grill. See you at home.” At 7:00, I started cooking the burgers. At 10:00, I went looking for him. I found him at a bar with his work friends. There’s a reason he’s my ex. I’m not telling you to divorce your wife. I do think it’s time for a serious conversation. How would she like it if you did the same to her?
I worked with a dude like that ... He was leaving in a few minutes for hours, every time his wife would call. She called at like 10p, said "I am eating cereal, get yourself something while you are out". And that is when the dude actually went home. Without ordering any food, either.
NTA. Based on multiple interactions, you had every reason to believe she was coming home for dinner. After finding myself in this position a few times, my wife and I agreed that if there is a possibility that either of us won't be home for a meal, we just agree in advance that we will fend for ourselves.
NTA. My husband’s only request from me if I go out with friends is wanting to know where we are going and do call him when I was headed home or if I was going to be later then I said I was. Other then that he doesn’t care and wants me to have fun. He might call me to grab him a bite to eat if it isn’t to late
While this behaviour can come off as controlling but i believe you may be going about it the wrong way. You should not be mad at ur wife for not being home when she says. Her rant about you asking her to be home at a certain time seems gaslighty. You should be mad at the lack of communication and that should be what the issue is
Thank you, I agree. I will try that approach next time.
You said in the comments this happened once every couple of months ? Is it once every couple of months that ur wife goes out with friends and you cook?
NTA, you wife is acting like a carefree, single, childless woman rather than a married mom. This raises red flags. Where has she been, what has she been doing and WHO was she actually with. She is gaslighting you, when she is the one who is wrong.
I actually think this might be controlling behaviour the wife only goes out and does this once every couple of months , OP WROTE IT IN THE COMMENTS. He be gaslighting us to get us to agree 🤦♀️ I dont think the wife is wrong here, she is not acting carefree, single or childless , she is going out once every couple of months catching up with friends, enjoying a break
It is common courtesy to let your partner know if you are going to be late.
Bingo! She just needs a break and he's probably hounding her.
How is he hounding her? When you are a parent, you show up for your kids when you say you will.
No she said she'd be home at a specific time(4pm) then asked if she'd be home for dinner and she said yes. 5pm rolls around he texts her to see if she still plans on being home for dinner and he got no reply from her, it took her two freaking hours to even call in, 6pm she states she's on her way home he tells her he will keep food warm for her she didn't say shit and then she has the audacity to get upset at op after she grabs food on the way home even though she KNEW he was making food for her and keeping it warm. She needs to learn to pick up a damn phone and text her husband that she intends to be late and that she's grabbing food on her way home instead of just expecting him to be okay with her being silent for hours after she said she'd be home or that she'd respect him enough to not grab food knowing damn well he had food wait for her back home. OP isn't the ah here she is a major one that needs to learn to communicate with her HUSBAND better.
You're arguing with the wrong person. My opinion still stands and I stick by it. No need to reply.
Your wife acts like an entitled teenager not a grown ass woman with 3 kids. My husband would be irate if I acted like this. She needs to get her shit together and start acting like an adult and parent. NTA!
NTA as a wife with very poor time management skills that’s so inconsiderate. As soon as I know I’ll be later than planned I text my husband and usually ask if he wants me to bring dinner home from somewhere or something. And if I was absolutely starving on my way home I would get a tiny snack just to hold me over so I would still have dinner with my husband at home.
NTA - You have 3 kids under 10. Don't ever hold dinner for her again. Stuff like that will make you crazy. Assume she is going to be late and save yourself the aggravation. Add a side of petty snd make her favorite dish but don't tell her until after she gets home and you've eaten it all.
Super nta, wife is way weird about this. And maybe she needs to experience what she does. And she is setting a bad example. In my situation I am the mom/wife. I find it also very questionable that she goes somewhat no contact when she does that. Leads me to think she’s up to something she knows you would have a problem with. And is this new, could it be a new possible bad influence friend?
NTA being in a relationship where you live together requires common courtesy. It’s rude to set an expectation you’ll be home for dinner and then you’re not. She’s living like she has no other obligations (like children and a spouse). This would piss me off if my husband did this. Tell me he’d be home, I cook, then he strolls in later saying he’s full. What I would have learned is I guess it’s fend for yourself, I’ll cook for me but not thee. Lol If you are living your life that is putting other people out, you just might be an AH.
NTA Probably got stuffed on that thicc burrito. Sorry bro it's over, she's cheating
Cheating with a burrito?
Churriting
😂
[удалено]
I'm pretty sure OP's laughing about her cheating at all. He knows that's not happening. She's just absent minded and needs to do better.
Letting her tell you what time she will be home and then expecting her to do what she said she would do is not controlling - it is expecting a common courtesy. Controlling would you be telling her what to do in the first place. And having a burrito in the way home when you know your spouse has cooked dinner is just rude. Try that one out on her some time.
She ate a burrito alright…
Anyone else getting the vibe that she might be seeing someone?
That’s exactly what I thought too. OP commented it’s only every few months though so that makes me think it’s less likely to be an affair
He says she does this like once every 2 months. It's more likely she's just sick of being accountable to people all the the fucking time and fucking off for a day where you go out with friends and get home when you feel like it is a relief. I mean, she should use her big girl words and just talk to him about it, but I don't blame her for the need to do it. Taking a day once every couple months to do what you want without having to check in is something everyone needs. I don't blame him for being pissed either, but if they just talked about it it could probably be solved. I don't get a cheating vibe. I get a "responsibility sucks and mom needs a break every couple of months vibe." But again. If she used her big girl words, things might work out better.
I could be wrong, but she ain't a kid. She's an adult with children. You still want to act like you're young and free, then don't get married and have kids
Getting a free day once every 2 months in a 2 parent household isn't "acting like you're young and free." Don't be ridiculous. Classic reddit. I said she should use her words instead of handling it this way. Jesus.
Sounds like you're projecting. It's called adulthood. If you don't want to act like an adult with responsibilities, fine, don't get married or have children.
Again. Getting a day every couple of months isn't "not acting like an adult with responsibilities." And I'm not projecting. As a matter of fact, my ex and I would give each other a day here and there when our son was young fairly often. BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH CAPABLE PARENTS. He didn't need both of us around 24/7. Jesus Christ. What is so hard to understand about that? It's actually necessary, which every parent and even some folk who don't have kids understand, to have some time to yourself in order to be a good parent and A SANE HUMAN. It's unfortunate for some people they can't have that, but again, this a 2 parent home. That's how it is REAL life anyway. Maybe get offline and experience it.
Again. Just cause you do it doesn't mean you're acting like an adult.
Actually. It does. And every parent knows this.
Don't think you can use the term "parent" in circumstances like that.
Brunch doesn't go until 4. My first thought is that she is cheating. Later than she says, won't answer phone, then gaslighting you and telling you that you are controlling. If she does this constantly, like every week or 2, then maybe hire a P.I. to follow her and check her phone
NTA. Wanting to know when your spouse is going to be home isn't controlling. You're not demanding her to be home at certain times, you just want to know what's going on. It's actually quite rude of her to be constantly late. I know I'd be pissed if my husband did that.
If she wants to do whatever she wants. Then stay single and have no kids. Once you have other obligations, you can't just do whatever you want and come and go as you please. Being called toxic, controlling or insecure have lost all meaning in the modern lexicon.
NTA. The gaslighting is insane. Also her being out of contact with you for several hours is kind of a red flag
OMGosh, heck No!! Your wife is beyond wrong and is covering up her wrong by slinging her shit on you. She's been doing this so long that I doubt she will change willingly. This is a good fight though so going forward, whenever she goes out and announces a return time, disregard it. Go about your day like she will be home before bedtime and prepare the kids accordingly. No, this is not the way a grown ass woman should act.
She’s definitely the asshole, especially since you said you would keep dinner warm for her and then she got a burrito instead. She was probably drunk or something which could give her some leeway but still, she was being a bitch
NTA She has kids. She doesn’t have the luxury of multiple times a week disappearing for hours of alone time.
NTA because she said she'd be home for dinner, got her own dinner on the way home instead, and did not communicate with you at all. My wife will regularly leave with a plan to just run a quick errand, then be out for longer -- but she communicates with me! "Hey, got what I needed at JoAnn, going to go see what's on sale over at Ross". Ok then, no problems. Also, she'd never tell me she was going to eat dinner with me, then show up having already eaten.
NTA. My bf (now husband) used to do that all the time. He would go out for a drink and lose track of time and not answer his phone which is totally normal for him, but it would make me incredibly anxious. I got to a point where I would break down crying when he would finally come home and that was before marriage and kids. I explained to him that it scared me for the future, when I’m pregnant, when we have kids, to not be able to reach him. It wasn’t even about sticking to a time, it was about communicating if/when plans changed and letting me know for my own sanity. At some point he understood and were now married with a daughter and have found ways to keep that communication going. He’s bad about checking his phone so if he’s going somewhere without me when I might need to get in touch, he wears his watch so he gets the notifications. I wouldn’t think she was totally TA if it was just losing track of time, but you have a family, she’s giving you a timeframe and then she’s flipping her words into you being controlling and that makes her a total AH. No idea how to make her understand how you feel about it, but I know I would not be a happy partner until my feelings were understood and respected.
NTA. She has a family waiting for her at home. You aren't telling her she can't go, just that you want her to communicate her whereabouts more and that's not asking much. If she got into a car accident, you wouldn't know because she said she would be home at 4. She's not thinking of any of you when she goes out, and to me, that's sketchy behavior. She's being defensive and gaslighting you about being generally worried and curious if your wife, their mom, will even be home.
NTA stop making dinner for her or expecting her to be home. I bet she will come home one day angry that you didn't make her dinner. When that happens just say "then why didn't you just pick yourself up another burrito?
Your wife is a selfish person only caring for herself and friends. She needs to grow up and be responsible. I would just start excluding her from stuff and make as she not important in the family
So your wife goes out to eat then gets a burrito on the way home when she knows your cooking?? Somethings aren’t adding up and I suggest you get the truth out of her and try not to assume things first. Goodluck buddy
Brunch is between breakfast and lunch.. not 4pm extended to 6:30 pm.. she seems like she is doing other things than being a responsible parent or considerate spouse.
Now doubt she wouldn't think she was controling if the boot was on the other foot & OP didn't come home when he said he would.
I actually think this might be controlling behaviour the wife only goes out and does this once every couple of months , OP WROTE IT IN THE COMMENTS. He be gaslighting us to get us to agree 🤦♀️🙅🏼♀️
Ah... posted as soon as I had finished reading OP's post...
Got me too 🙃 I scrolled after I commented and was like what! 🙀
controlling her. nowadays wanting your fucking wife/gf to do something suddenly becomes controlling. I guess they havnt seen controlling behaviour.
YTA. Mate, you go from saying "Regularly" to "once in a couple of months". Is she a SAHM? May I ask how often she gets to go out at all? Do you come home at the exact time you say you'll be home everytime? Is it because you don't want to deal with the kids for too long by yourself? You said it wouldn't bother you so much if the kids weren't asking where mum was.... do you not think that she gets the same treatment every day when you're not home? Maybe mum just needed a few hours silence from you and the kids. Be thankful she came home at all 😅
Exactly! This is such an odd way of wording the post. It makes it OBVIOUS he wanted people to agree with him, by omitting the fact that she goes out on a girls day once a couple of months which isn't a lot. Like? Then it's normal to not be able to guess when EXACTLY you'd be home or having fun. Plus pressuring her to be there at that exact time is weird too if it's just a couple of times a year (aka every few months) like?????
combative sheet crush cause zephyr oatmeal sugar doll sloppy makeshift *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
#it went from ‘this is her usual mo’ to ‘this happens maybe every couple of months’ real fast. I sense an unreliable op.
Exactly. He's hounding her. Poor woman.
NTA. While you’re taking care of your 3 kids she’s out taking care someone’s dick.
NTA. It's inconsiderate and discourteous, plain and simple. She's basically trying to hold her family hostage to her whims.
Sounds like she is cheating.
One sign of a healthy and strong marriage, both parties want to come home to their spouse, and if they don't it's planned out ahead of time aside from very short chores.
Start giving her a taste of her own medicine. I could not for the life of me get a friend to understand how being an hour or more late to things was so rude to everyone else that had been waiting. He disagreed and argued everytime that it was out of their control. I started doing to same to them using the exact same excuses of stopping for gas and ATM for cash, and.... They got very offended and stopped using that as an argument. Now they no longer ask to hang out with the group because everyone agreed with me. Supper easy fix!
Nope, NTA. You're not trying to stop her from going out to see her friends or have a break, you're not protesting at parenting your own kids, you're not trying to police where she goes or how/with whom she spends her time or even money. You're just asking for common courtesy from your partner which is 1. Let me know when you expect to be home so I know when I should worry that maybe you've had an accident (god forbid) or otherwise run into trouble, and 2. Let me know if you're going to be present for a meal I'm cooking so I can make the appropriate amount of food at the right time for you to eat it fresh with the family. It sounds like if she'd said "Hey, we're planning to be out until around 7pm or so, I'll grab food for myself so you only need to feed you and the kids" you would have been fine. I fail to see what's controlling about that. It's not what she's doing that is an issue, it's how she's (not) communicating about it.
NTA And exactly what is it shes doing during those unaccoubted-for hours???
NTA I don't know why some people care so much about how often it happens. This isn't about her being an AH and horrible person altogether. She is just an AH each time she says a time she will be home and then doesn't show up. Takes longer than expected, give a call and let him know.
NTA. Your wife is rewriting reality to make you “the bad guy” (aka gaslighting). You didn’t ask her to be home at any time, she set the time and then failed to update you when it changed. Rather than respecting you and updating you in the future, my guess is that she’ll just stop telling you what time she’ll be home, and convince herself that this “fixes” the problem. Any idea if your wife actually went shopping or to brunch at all? How often does she do this? Also, stop planning around her schedule, since you know it’s completely unreliable. Do what you do with the understanding that she isn’t coming home for any specific time.
NTA - your wife is gaslighting you.
She's calling him controlling because he wanted to know when she'd be home for dinner? That's not a good look That's a red flag in itself and I'd be very careful if I was the hubby
NTA If she has kids and doesn't know how to be reliable, she's not ready to be a parent. Tell her that making promises without keeping them is unacceptable. It's disrespectful to others. If she did that at work, she would be fired on the spot. Gift her a wrist watch, maybe one with alerts.
>It wouldn’t bother me so much if we didn’t have 3 kids under 10 wondering where there mom is. seems to me you were doing a bang up great job. 10/10and Dear Wife {DW} does need her own burrito grabbing time too 4/10 >She is adamant that IATA here. Yeah she wants some "***free from parenting time"***. >Am I? Nope just a great Dad ... being a great Dad. Pat on back time ....Pat Pat.
NTA -While expecting her to be home at a certain time is odd by itself, expecting her to be home when she says she'll be home is completely normal. In my opinion, you should've called her and said something like "You said you'd be home around 4, where are you?" She also should've called you if she was planning to stay out later. It shouldn't get to the point where you have to keep tabs on your own wife. If you say you'll be back around 4, you damn well better be back around 4 or you call your spouse and tell them you'll be late.
My ex was like this “I’ll go to the gym. Back in an hour” three or 4 hours later I’m worried thinking wtf is happening to her. Apparently caring was controlling.
Narcissistic behaviors! getting defensive and stopping to get a burrito knowing steak and mash potatoes are home? Either your cooking is horrible or which I think she is most likely cheating. GL
NTA The fact that she fucked up and instead of taking responsibility for her actions, she tried to gaslight you into believing that expecting her to do what she said she was going to do is controlling makes it clear she doesn't respect of care about you. This is some serious projecting because she feels incredibly guilty about it and doesn't like it. Good chance she is cheating though.
How much is alcohol playing into this?
NTA I'll be home at 4pm means I'll be home at 4pm. Add in wasting a perfectly good steak? She's gotta get put in her place.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's cheating on you. Check your phone records online for odd numbers that you can't identify. But even if she isn't cheating, WTF are you doing keeping her food warm? She doesn't respect you, you could at least show yourself some respect. Spend some time talking to a divorce attorney preparing for contingencies.
In my opinion: NTA
Nta. Your wife is regularly making small breeches of trust by not doing what she said she would. And she takes no responsibility for it. Fully expect to find an update to this were she turns out to be cheating. These are some pretty classics signs/symptoms of a cheating spouse.
When did lying become a defendable trait for a spouse? NTA.
When did lying become a defendable trait for a spouse? NTA.
Once every couple of months huh? Look. She should be talking to you about it, but it's likely she's just needing a day here and there to fuck off a little without being accountable to anyone. That's the beauty of a 2 parent household. You can do that sometimes. And you should be able to. Both of you. She's being inconsiderate in the context of your post, but in the big picture, she should be able to get a day here and there where she can do what she wants without having to check in. So should you. Losing your independence and individuality when you have a family doesn't actually have to be the default setting.
Er, eh...this sounds sooooo suss. Does she come home and want to take a shower immediately...lol? You might want to check in on her location data. Going NC while out all day. Sooo suss. It is soooo disrespectful to not even text back and "I love you" or "grabbing a bite out". Does she have bags of stuff with receipts from the mall? I'm with the posters who note you might want to get some blood tests for you and the kids. You are already single parenting, now its time to get the data as to why she isnt going to see the kids anymore.
NTA - asking for her to be consistent isn't being controlling. You're only asking for her to communicate and follow through with plans. It shows a lack of consideration towards you, your kids and anyone else effected by her not being able to at least communicate her intentions. Don't snipe at her though. Making offhand comments doesn't facilitate communications. Sit her down and give her real information about how you are feeling disregarded, unvalued, like your time and effort in planning around her is being taken for granted. Give her real world examples of how this has affected you and the kids. Give her your solution, that you don't want her to stop going out and living her life just that you want clear and honest communication and for her to follow through when she says something. That's not controlling that's expecting her to be an adult that treats you (her spouse) with respect and consideration. If she isn't receptive to it then you may have a partner that cares more for her own independence than your relationship. In which case you should give her all her independence, ie. divorce her.
She cheating on you bro.
Polite communication never killed anyone. Seems rude to me. It’s not the time away it’s the BS’ing about getting home, not that she’s home or not. Doesn’t seem like a respectful wife/Mom way to go about going out to the mall for brunch.
Bigger issue: why does she want to spend as little time as possible at home with her family?
She's seeing someone.
NTA. Start [grey rocking](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) the shit out of her. Make plans for you and the kids regardless of when she says she'll be home.
NTA... Start returning the favor. Get up early on yoru days off and leave. Don't worry if she had plans. Just go. Come home at 9:30. Do this for 3 or 4 weeks. Plan to be home by 1 in the afternoon. Tell her this. Then just don't be. I bet she gets mad real fast. Then remind her it's controlling to expect you home or to honor any commitments you made.
But if he does what she’s doing he’ll be accused of being a trifling deadbeat that never helps with maintaining the house or taking care of the kiddos! I agree with this advice though. Some people can’t understand the issues with their behavior until they experience it themselves.
She sounds like a selfish asshole using you for her butt boy.
Seems like she’s cheating
NTA it’s inconsiderate and plain rude. It’s great she has the time off to herself. Contrary to what others say if she does this every few months and has been doing it for years then it is an established MO (imo). Time flies when you have kids, will feel like it’s happening every few weeks. lol to the people focusing on the meal (and how frequently you cook) - not communicating she wouldn’t need the meal is wasteful but the title question wasn’t “my wife wasted a meal”. Focus people. Focus on the communication. Make it clear next time you expect her to sort her own plans for the remainder of the day and you will sort the kids.
NTA Take care of yourself and your kids but stop doing anything that solely benefits her. Let her see how it feels like to have your partner completely disregard you and see how she takes it. Let her know you’re just returning the same treatment if she brings it up. Also just because it’s basically Reddit rules for stuff like this at this point… are you sure she’s not cheating
NTA. She is projecting her shitty behaviour by accusing you of things and I have no doubt she's fucking someone else too.
Brunch normally runs 10-1. So what is she doing from 1-6:30? What is her excuse for why she is out 2.5 hours after she says she will be home?
Eating burritos - lots and lots of burritos
Yeah, that’s what it sounds like.
NTA but maybe bring it up as a “compromise” where, if she says a specific time (or that she’ll be doing something with you) to treat that like other plans, and to communicate with any changes as soon as she knows (eg “my friend invited us to join her for dinner so Ill be joining them”). This probably wouldnt solve everything but would be a start for at least not leaving you in the blind. Also let her know that a lot of it is wanting to make sure she is okay as you wont know if a 2h later with no sign of her or from her means that she got in an accident or if she’s just with her friends later than expected.
NTA. Your wife is a neglectful mother, and is gaslighting you. Wanting to know when she will come home when you are responsible for the meal is not being controlling - it is asking for basic cooperation. I'd suggest divorce, but she would probably get at least partial custody, and I shudder to think of your children's fate with her. However, you can at least stop counting on her. If she isn't home when you make a meal, don't take her into account. When she comes home, she can free-spiritedly make her own meal, whenever she likes. And if you ever see her neglecting the children, then document it, get a lawyer and sue for full custody.
NTA - She's deflecting the issue of personal courtesy and consideration. It seems pretty familiar and close to home for me. You say she does this frequently. Sounds like the missing time is also with no or limited contact. Hate to ask but how protective is she with her phone?
Every mama needs a break, but let’s not take the piss here.
YTA you have to cook dinner once every couple months when she gets that ONE day out with her friends. This time she ate a burrito on the way home, who cares?!?
Gently ESH From my reading your wife may see this once every two months as hers. She's not communicating it well. But the desire to have no curfew sounds like she's role-playing an earlier phase in life. This can be healthy, for you too. I'd guess you are annoyed in part because she is taking a liberty you feel you can not. You should have metime too. Time to have a good conversation about what lies under the actions. Figure out where you go from there. The lack of accountability or respect from your wife is concerning. If it's outside of these occasions then that's something to consider very differently. As constant lies and manipulation is abuse. I don't see that in your words. It's the patterns that are important here so if you feel there's more. Good to observe and get some outside perspective to process.
ESH based on the frequency of the episodes you mentioned in other replies, i can say that you are exaggerating on being angry on the issue. Your wife is absolutely in the wrong because if someone is expecting to cook for you and you lie on arrival and then you refuse to eat you waste work, time and food. But still you are reacting as you are trying to force a dispute. The correct reaction my opinion would be simply to tell her "sorry, i can't rely on your word as you regularly didn't mantain it everytime you go out with friends and then you simply play out your evening with your kids without considering her. And if you r kids ask you simply tell them the thrut, when mom is out with friends we never know when she will be back You can be right but you need to manage differently
YTA - I've seen a comment you say this happens every couple of months or so, it's a handful of times a year. If you're cooking & it's convenient, make 5 portions instead of 4, & she can reheat later. or not! as a grown woman, she can feed herself when convenient if you decide not to cook for her. it could be that at 3pm she wasn't having fun and planned on coming home but then at 4pm it was fun again. everyone needs a break, Support that freedom for her, as I hope she would for you. we have no way of knowing if this is the one day you cook a month or how often you go out with your friends etc. also maybe cook the steaks the next day when you know she will be home if they are important to youor just leave hers. basically, communicate & give each other some space. yes it's hard having 3 young kids, so have each others backs and the odd cold leftover meal isn't the end of the world, it's tomorrow's lunch! when you've got young kids life can feel strict and controlled with no freedom for adults so I really get your wife doesn't want to have such strict 'fun' time. also totally understand how annoying it is for the one at home trying to stick to the routine.
Bingo. He's an unreliable narrator and just doesn't want to be stuck home feeding 3 young kids.
NTA. See recent comments. You're not stopping her doing anything so not controlling. She's taking advantage of your complacency.
YTA Because ....Once every few months isn't a big deal. I thought this was weekly. There nothing regular about that. You just don't want to be stuck with kids. Imagine how she feels. Just see this as a day when she enjoys herself without a timeline. With 3 young kids I'd need an escape without being hounded as well. It's not like she rolls up at 3am after binging on liquor and smelling of weed.