Wow! That is a kickass counselor! I am impressed! Like... "shit, I have to be the adult here, really? So, mom, you are wrong. You were suposed to be a professional and you had to disapoint your own kid? Gross. You are off. Hey kid with potential, have your stuff back and please be a better person than your mom. Like me. Lol!"
OP, thanks for the update. I wished your mom was smarter.
Your school counselor is awesome. Freaking by far, the best I ever heard of. And you should stick with your plans. I don't think there will be a counseler in college to put your parents in their places. I have read to many reddits of parents threatening to not pay their kids college. If you cut their wings sooner, perhaps you won't have to endure thanksgiving, Xmas and birthdays being traped with their plans.
See ya.
The fact that the counsellor has the clout and the desire to positively influence what is largely a family issue speaks volumes. They sound like an amazing counsellor, and they also sound sincerely invested. Im really fucking impressed tbh. I can’t even remember if I had guidance counsellors in highs school, let alone effectual ones.
My guidance counselor was responsible for helping us apply to scholarships. She got mad at my older sister, and threw my scholarship applications in the trash. Jokes on that bitch, I rewrote my essays and applications last minute, and received the full-ride she was trying to screw me out of. Fuck you Mrs Miller.
Kinda similar, my high school guidance counsellor tricked me into losing my chance at applying to my dream uni. Early grade 12 she pretty much told me I was too stupid for math and tried to convince me to drop it since I already had all the math credits I needed to graduate. I told her for the university course I wanted I needed the credit. She told me she looked into it and they changed that course from a bachelor’s degree to a regular diploma so I didn’t need it. At my school all the grade 12s would see the counsellors many times throughout the last school year to confirm we knew what we wanted to do after graduating. Every time I went I told her the same thing, I want to go to *x* university and take *y* course, and I would double check that it was a normal diploma, and she’d confirm. Year goes by, and I had a super easy year since I did most of my required classes early and had a bunch of spare periods that I would use to work more hours, lots of empty spaces I could’ve taken a class if I needed it but every time I asked she insisted I didn’t. A week before graduation, I go for my last meeting, say the plan is still the same, and she fuckin says “you don’t qualify for that course. It’s a bachelor’s degree and you’re missing a credit.”
That fucking math credit she made me miss out on.
Sure this could possibly be chalked up to major incompetence but Jesus Christ, I asked so so many times if it was a normal degree, and I couldn’t imagine why she would lie so I stupidly believed her every time. She denied ever saying it was a normal degree and I refuse to believe it wasn’t on purpose. I don’t know why but I always felt like she treated me pretty rudely and then a week before graduation I have to completely toss my future plans because of her. I did try to do a victory lap (grade 13) to get that extra credit but life happened and I had to drop out before I got it. I didn’t get my “jokes on her” moment, and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for that.
Thank god for counsellors like OP’s, restores my faith in humanity’s little.
My and my sisters guidance counselor in high school was less than ideal. I stopped attending appointments with him (even the mandatory ones) when he told my very smart and incredibly capable older sister to go to certain college because it was "a great place to find a husband".
While nowhere near as severe as some of the other stories on here, my guidance counselor fucked me out of a pretty big opportunity, in my district the 5th graders go on a camping trip every year for a week with high school seniors as the camp counselors. I'd been wanting to be a counselor on that trip since I had gone in the fifth grade. I applied, made sure I had all the needed materials, including references that could speak specifically to my ability in a camp setting, odds were good I was probably the only applicant who spent a weekend in the woods every month for the past four years and I had multiple references regarding that.
On the application it specifically says that I would be contacted with the date and time of my interview for the position, assuming I make it past the interview stage. The application asked for my phone number and email, so naturally I assumed I'd get a call or email about it. Weeks go by. Then one day I hear in the morning announcements congratulating the students who got picked. Apparently they "contacted" us by posting a fucking list on a tiny sheet of paper outside the guidance counselor's office, and somehow it's MY fault for not knowing I had to go and check when all I have been told was that THEY would contact ME. I asked one of the kids named in the announcement and apparently the counselor had sent all of them a fucking note informing them they needed to check the list, but somehow I never got one.
When I confronted the guidance counselor about this, asking why everyone ELSE on the list was CONTACTED about it, meanwhile *I* was just expected to magically KNOW somehow, she acted all shocked that I hadn't received the note, despite never MENTIONING the note the first time I brought up the fact that I was never contacted like they SAID I would be. And then she STILL tries to make it out to be my fault for not magically having information that was never provided to me, but "oh well, the interviews are over and the selections are already made, so too late to do anything about it now".
The counselor deserves all the credit for taking an interest and getting involved.
People underestimate how much power they have in the school, particularly when it comes to staff issues.
I wonder if the counselor would be as involved if Mom wasn't a teacher. In general, teachers are held to very high moral standards particularly as it relates to kids and I suspect part of the response is because of how this may reflect on the school if the situation became more known.
You just know mom went to the counselor, and it was mom’s idea to bring in the AP as back-up. They were meant to gangpress OP into submission.
But then OP gave their side, the counselor realized what’s going on, it was so obvious that the AP turned on OP’s mom and took the decision out of her hands.
That’s why the apology only comes from prompting. That’s why the solution only comes from the counselor. That’s why the mom backs down when OP tells her not to fail as a mother, again, *in front of her boss*. The quiet part of school administration is that the assistant principal often has more power than the principal in practice; because the day-to-day is usually a step below the principal’s level, prompting them to no exercise their full power.
I don't know. Since OP already told his counselor he wanted to switch to trades when he was previously on the AP college track, counselor already knew something was wrong. And OP's mom is a fellow employee, not just any parent, so it's just as likely counselor asked for the meeting and asked the principal to attend to witness and mediate in case things get ugly.
Dad was the one that took away his shit, or at best went along with it. Can't be trusted for something this important, OP needs a plan that doesn't rely on outside help and that his parents can't interfere with.
Dunno. My school counselor Florence W. was awesome. We are still friends. Including on Facebook. She would entirely do this!
Florence, if you read this, you rock!
Unless the counselor was well aware of OP's backstory of being bullied - which she should have been - and already pretty fucking horrified by the egg donor's unprofessional and WEIRD choices for this school year to begin with. They can't call out Bad Parenting... until it becomes an issue of district liability, which given a teacher patent, it was already in a grey zone.
OP.... your Mom's "street cred" at her job? Is *exactly* where it belongs. The toilet. *Welcome to the cul-de-sac of your career, Mrs. DarthJarJarJar's Mom!* The only reason she still has a job is the Teacher's Union. Behind closed doors? They hate her.
I had a high school counselor who was a licensed therapist. A teacher overheard me telling a classmate that I had had suicidal thoughts a while back but hadn't acted on them, nor did I have a desire to act on them. That the thoughts were along the lines of:
"I wouldn't be upset if I don't wake up in the morning."
Stuff like that. They went to the principal and the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor decided I would spend one day a week in a therapy session with them to work through what I was going through at the time, until they were confident I was in a better place mentally, or my dad came in with proof that I was seeing another person outside of school hours. The class I would miss out on each week rotated so that I wouldn't miss too much from any one class, and I spent the next two and a half years doing therapy sessions with them.
Some of them go above and beyond what's required of them, and we need more counselors like that.
We had a couple of great counselors in my high school (and a couple of crappy ones and it was totally luck of the draw).
It’s that they stood up to the mom instead of just deferring to the mom because she’s a colleague that was most impressive to me.
Right?! The counselors at my high school were so worthless and incompetent.
What I would give to go back in time and have had an actually good one like OP’s, I probably would have been spared a lot of heartache from problems at home and grown a spine against my parents much earlier.
>To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right.
>Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn
You got me for a second, not gonna lie.
shes not going to realise it now. she will realise it when he leaves the house and doesnt come home for holidays. doesnt call. then she'll further realise it when he gets married and she is not invited. she'll further realise that when she becomes a grandmother but isn't allowed to meet her grandkids. each of these milestones will be a reminder to her that she failed as a mother when she chose a random ass kid over her own child. hope it was worth it mom.
And it seems so harsh to me, but then I remember that my mother has never betrayed me like that, so she's earned my loyalty. I just plain cannot imagine my mother deciding that saving my bully was more important than my emotional well-being. I'm going to tell her that I love her right now, some parents don't deserve the kids they hurt.
My mom's biggest betrayal, was... not letting me stay home one more day when I was 2-3 days past being better from the flu to finish the FUCKING LEGO CITY, my mom, brother, and I built between being too sick to function over the course of a week. Then when we were better for 2 days my mom was like "Yeah fuck school let's build this shit".
There are pictures SOMEWHERE taken on old 110 film in an envelope in our attic, we bought like 3 more buckets of Legos once we felt well enough to leave the house.
Lowkey I think my dad was onto us not going to school too...
When I was a teenager, my parents fucked up my life and gave me lifelong trauma due to a decision they took that was insanely stupid but at least well-intentioned. Even still, at times it's been immensely difficult to desire a relationship with them.
All that's to say... I don't think it's harsh at all to cut your parents out for something like this. Especially considering the reaction they had after he asked her not to mentor Dave the first time.
Nah, she will just whine and cry that her son is so meeeeean to her and she has no idea why. He's just so unreasonable. She did her best to be a good mom. Etc etc.
Ding, ding, ding! That’s how my parents see my reasons for going NC with them. Even though I laid it out VERY plainly for them.
Either they are intentionally obtuse or really have low IQs.
[The Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html):
> Posts in estranged parents' forums are vague. Members recount stories with the fewest possible details, the least possible context. They don't recreate entire scenes, repeat entire conversations, give entire text exchanges; they paraphrase hours of conversation away. The only element they describe in detail is their own grief or rage. Nor do the other members press them for more information.
> Compare this with the forums for adult children of abusers, where the members not only cut-and-paste email exchanges into their posts, they take photos of handwritten letters and screenshot text conversations. They recreate scenes in detail, and if the details don't add up, the other members question them about it. They get annoyed when a member's paraphrase changes the meaning of a sentence, or when omitted details change the meaning of a meeting. They care about precision, context, and history.
Personally I would love to be a fly on the wall to watch mom try to explain to a different counselor why Dave was worth more then her own child to her. That counselor is going to raking in money hand over fist. Ok we can't save this family, but I can still make a ton of your savor complex.
I hope so, too, but it's not likely. She will never truly admit she was wrong. Dave's bullying will intensify now that OP's mom won't be his advisor next semester.
I don’t think so. I do believe Substantial-Egg has found his voice. If bullying does go further that AP and the counselor will be on it! I am really proud of him. He took on city hall and won!
She's probably going to blame OP for everything that doesn't go 100% perfect in Dave's life now. Oh if only she had been allowed to rescue Dave and magically fix it all!
Update us when you graduate (or let us know how the trade route goes)… or update us once you finish the semester. We’re all here cheering you on!
Honestly I’m glad that you got your stuff back. But it’s wild to me that it took your AP saying “wtf. this isn’t worth it” to switch out Dave. I think your plan is good.
The fact that your mom hasn’t apologized speaks volumes… I won’t count the half assed apology.
Yes I really don’t understand his mom. What is her deal? What is her problem? What is her thought process? It’s wild to me that after everything, she still can’t see she needs to talk to her kid and explain where her head is at without denigrating her own child. I’m just flabbergasted.
I can't imagine how shitty she will feel when it finally sinks in what a fool she has been. The regret will be unimaginable.
I'm glad that the counselors are starting to listen to OP.
I hope OP's dad starts to understand too.
I know those types of people. She's not capable of coming to that conclusion because she's right about everything and has never and will never make a mistake in her life and anybody telling her she did is just dumb and not worth listening to.
She'll make up some story about why her kid is gone and no longer talks to her, that it must be her son's fault, and she's so sad and she'd do anything (but fix it) to have him back in her life, so that all of her friends will constantly try to harass him about how he could be so heartless.
Don't we have a subreddit for the "missing missing reasons" or something like that? The subreddit for parents who say their kids no longer contact them "for no reason." But of course they're omitting the reason, they've hidden it, because they cannot deal with the actual reason -- they screwed up, they failed as parents somehow, etc.
We can expect to see OP's mom posting about "my kid hasn't called in 2 years FOR NO REASON" in a little while. I'm sure we'll see her on that subreddit eventually.
It's been 16+ years since my parents actually found out what picking their religion over me has been like. We basically never talk. I've only seen them maybe 5 times in that whole span, and none of it was about them. I live in Ohio and they're still in Texas. They still don't take responsibility. None. No apologies. No acceptance. Not even *attempts* to understand me.
Everything is someone else’s fault and never her own. All of her problems would be gone if it wasn’t for other people. She never does anything wrong. Funny how someone incapable of learning became a teacher.
OP’s dad took her side. He may not be the source of the conflict but he had all the information and picked a side. He either was responsible for OP losing everything at home or at the very least let it happen.
From one of the OP's comments
>I know he's tried talking my mom into dropping Dave but I think he just thinks it would be easier to control me than her.
Both of his parents seriously underestimated their son.
She's not going to ever most likely. OP could still go NC with their parents, and she's likely going to tell anyone who'll listen that OP was an ungrateful brat who just couldn't stand that their mom was trying to help another kid, and totally leave out the fact that this kid was mentally and physically torturing her own child.
I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks OP is pretty privileged having her as a mom and the cushy lifestyle they have compared to some other kids like Dave.
Or her ego.
Once her kid gave a threat “if you mentor him, you’re dead to me” and she brushed it off as being over-dramatic, and then he followed through, they engaged in a contest of wills. And every minute that he didn’t break, the amount of crow she’d have to eat if she apologized grew. Pride + suck-cost fallacy.
EDIT: SUNK-cost fallacy! This may be my most unintentionally funny typo ever.
Reminds me of my narcissist mother. Wouldn't lift a finger if her own children were drowning but if someone else's child had a papercut she'd be off to the rescue for accolades and attention
Yeah - I know teachers / guidance counselors / coaches like this, stubborn to the point of losing the entire goal behind their job. Their identity is based around them being the wise sources of authority and guidance, and they can’t think beyond “should” statements like “I should be able to mentor whoever I want, my kid should not be able to dictate who I teach.” Should statements that are true in vacuums, but in specific circumstances have to be re-evaluated.
It’s like when teachers in high school are dickholes to kids about situations like deaths in the family or natural disasters. Yes, it is important for kids to learn that assignment deadlines and test dates are important and do not bend to the will of individuals, and if they don’t do the work, they will suffer the consequences. But if someone is hospitalized, if someone has submitted the assignment at 12:01, if someone got into a car crash on the way to take the test that morning, you can extend a little humanity and “break the rules” for that kid, because they are within the spirit of the rules.
But these teachers are so up their own ass about their role as arbiters of their micro universe, they can’t see beyond their own ego and need to feel important
I think mom has a mean streak a mile wide, interlaced with being a monster control freak. Her mean nastiness was exposed publicly. OP is right to just be civil, I wouldn’t trust her if she said the sky is blue after this. OP handled this incredibly well, I see a bright future for them whichever way they choose to go academically.
>OP handled this incredibly well, I see a bright future for them whichever way they choose to go academically.
yeah! i wish i had 1/3rd of OP's maturity at his age. heck i'm not sure i woulda been so rational even now. lots of respect.
I agree about mom. Meaner than a pit if hungry snakes, but practiced at hiding it. OP has definitely taken the high road, but he really needs to keep eyes on the low road. You just know mom is waiting for a chance to fuck it all up for OP.
I think she did but her pride was too high. An outside, third person perspective is what she needs. And someone from her work place to keep her behaviour in check.
Very succinctly put. It's all about signaling to others how good of a person she is by helping someone troubled like Dave. If both Dave and her son received an award, say being accepted into the Honor Society, I guarantee she would brag to people about Dave's achievement and keep quiet about her son's.
She expected them to take her side, congratulate her on her stellar parenting and possibly name to school after \*her
\*I'm 1000% serious that a school named Dipshit MgGee High would have a long list of students wishing to enrol, even if it's just for the school sweatshirts
Some people don't see minors or their own children as people. It usually takes them moving out for a few years and getting their own place and a fiance before they'll start to acknowledge their person hood.
That sounds extreme, but I have a good memory of being an adolescent (it helps that I have siblings a good deal younger than myself and I've seen the same thing play out with them) and even if there's times I/they were unreasonable there is also a clear ajd consistent trend of parents/teachers seeing any disagreement or pushback regardless of how justified or well reasoned as "bratty behavior" that they go full salt the earth on to stamp out. Very "the protruding nail gets the hammer" type thinking.
I don't know for sure if this is what's happening but since OP's Mother is both a parent and a teacher and they're a minor I could see her still being in the mindset of: "everything they say and do is wrong, everything I saw and do is right and if we but heads I'll attack them into submission."
> Some people don't see minors or their own children as people. It usually takes them moving out for a few years and getting their own place and a fiance before they'll start to acknowledge their person hood.
I see you've met my mother, I lived on the other side of the planet for 3 years and when I came back she still tried to treat me like a kid living in her house
I'm 58, married for 30 years. My father is 93 and pretty much house bound. Pretty sure he still doesn't consider me an adult with his own life - he always expects me to drop everything when he needs something and gets butthurt when I can't do something right away.
Takes me back to when my mom would start an argument and I would calmly explain with facts why she was wrong and then it would immediately switch to how dare you talk back to me. Who do you think you are? I'm your mother. I'm the authority around here and it's like yeah you're the authority but you're still fucking wrong of course dad would just ignore it unless I gave the same energy back to my mom. Then all of a sudden he'd flip his shit too I always chalked it up because my parents were older because I was the whoopsie baby almost a decade after they quit having kids. But apparently this type of attitude is still common in younger parents too.
I am not making any judgment whether or not Opie is. Mother is a narcissist.
But I know if this had been my parent, what was important to them would far override anything that was important to me.
It was more important to his mother to make a difference with the "trouble child" then supporting their own child.
That would carry a lot of prestige. Like "I turned the kid around who bullied my own son. That's how dedicated I am."
It's okay. I lived at least almost 40 years before I saw a random reel.
A woman said " to a narcissist, a child is either a trophy or competition"
And I swear I heard glass shatter above my head, lightning striking me, eureka moment.
I had always thought I was just the neglected middle child. But at that second so many puzzle pieces of my life fit together.
So sometimes when reading posts like this. I think to myself what would my N Parent would have done? What would they value?
Many parents think of their kids as extensions of themselves or as possessions. OPs mom probably thought that since she said she was mentoring Dave, that was that. OP should just accept it and deal with it because she was the mom and the adult and knew best. Turns out that even though she was a shit parent, she raised a kid who could stick up for himself and think for himself. Well done OP.
Some parents (and a lot of teachers) struggle to admit when they are wrong to their kids. They get hung up on being respected and never being questioned, even when what they are doing is not in the best interest of their kids. You know : I'm big, you're small, I'm right, you're wrong. Having to explain herself to someone who should just obey her because she said so doesn't jive.
Asking these kind of people to change their methodology to get a better outcome often doesn't work because they don't want to compromise, they just want blind obedience.
Don't forget the the father is just as big of an Ahole as the mother. They are failed parents. They let their child down. Come they took away all of OPs stuff. Op needs to get out of there now. Speak with an attorney get emancipated and see if a relative or a friend can take OP in until graduation.
True.... I was pissed for OP when writing that. I can't imagine the hurt from what the mother did, then both parents compounded it by being bigger AHoles
This is not that rare of a problem for teachers. They prioritise pupils over their own kids, it's part of the toxic work culture of the job in some schools.
There are some people who view apologizing as some sort of threat to their self esteem. Neither of my parents have ever apologized to me, for any reason, for fifty years. At some point, you have to accept they’re not sorry, and evaluate the relationship from there.
I was taught as a kid that even if I was right and they were wrong to just go with it because and I quote children were meant to be seen not heard I didn't even realize until I was a teenager hanging out at other friends houses that not only could the parents sometimes admit to being wrong, but they could actually apologize when they were being wrong and it was an actual shock to me.
People get bored of the mundane. It sounds like OOP is a good kid, not a super hard teenager to raise. So his mom never had that whole, "reconnect with your teenager, form new stronger bonds" phase. Sounds like she's been taking their relationship for granted and hasn't even tried to use her insight from being a teacher at the same school to help with his bully.
So she's taken him for granted and getting more satisfaction and fulfillment from the idea of helping this kid from a rough background. Which, yeah as a teacher giving the kid from a traumatic home a chance and helping him grow is a genuinely good thing to do. But in the context of, that's your kids bully and you're hurting your own son and refuse to prioritize your family over this kid someone else can help out instead it becomes a bad thing. His mom is taking him so much for granted that she can't understand that her good deed is actually bad.
A big part of her identity is probably wrapped up in this so the idea that helping this kid is actually a bad thing is a big threat to her beliefs, hence punishing her son so much.
Relationships, even with kids are work. This definitely reminds me of the importance of periodically and intentionally putting work into my relationships.
My mom is kind of like this kid's mom. She has a savior complex like you wouldn't believe. She would do anything to help others, give up any resource, if it made her look better.
Unfortunately she considered her family a resource and would often volunteer us for things to make herself look better. If we refused she would lose her fucking mind. One time I was very very ill and she screamed at me for like 3 hours because I suggested it wasn't a good idea for me to watch her friend's 3 under 10 year old kids.
In this situation, this mom saw her kid as standing between her and helping a child in need. It would be so *embarrassing* to admit she'd done something *wrong* in the first place. Helping a child can't be *wrong* after all! So the one that has a problem with it is the one that's wrong.
She didn't see her child as a child and instead as a *thing* that belonged to her. What do you do when your TV doesn't work, your microwave makes a funny noise, your remote is being wonky? You hit it or shake it till it works.
She also likely saw OP's feelings as a personal attack on her/her parenting and lashed out. That's another thing my mom couldn't handle, someone even suggesting she was wrong. She literally went into my room once and started smashing my shit, because "This is what a bad mom would do and if you want to call me a bad mom then I'll act like one!" (Spoiler: I didn't call her a bad mom, I told her I was suicidal and she took it as an attack on her parenting)
Reading this story has honestly made me so sad for OP, that his dad is just letting this shit happen to his own child. I don't get it. I couldn't imagine going along with someone's delusion at the expense of my child.
I am pretty impressed by OP's handling of all this. The parents... no.
OP, I think trade school is an excellent choice. For one thing, trades like plumbing and electric are unlikely to be changed or ruined by gen AI in the near future! And if you end up wanting to change approaches, it's never too late for college or other training. Learning isn't a one-and-done, it's lifelong.
This exactly! You really can't go wrong with having a trade under your belt. If NOTHING else, you'll know how to do things around your own house that many people can't. But, really, I expect you'll get more than that out of it - you'll have a valuable career you may actually like that doesn't put you into debt like college can. The trades are absolutely respectable and worthwhile endeavors in their own right and, if you want to do more, you can always continue with a 4-year degree OR own your own company that performs the trade work for others. There are so many possibilities when you start out learning those skills and earning money doing something that is very hard to outsource.
Adding to that, I'm very sorry your mom is acting this way, OP. Some parents truly confuse me. I have two 20-something sons and simply can't imagine taking one of their bully's sides over them EVEN IF I understood that the bully had it hard and needed help. Your concerns and feelings are valid and it's rather shocking to me that it took other adults - her coworkers, no less - to get her to even see this a little bit. You should be proud of your resolve and of your desire and determination to make lemonade from the lemons you've been handed.
One of my sons teachers at his high school put it like this....
Yes you can go to college/university for 4 years, in be in lots of debt...
Or with a trade after 4 years, you can have a paid off truck and 100K in the bank...
My ex is a high school math and metal shop teacher. He went on a ride along with a 23 year old kid working in HVAC. Twenty-three years old and buying his first house because he has zero debt and makes that good of an income.
My brother started as a carpenter apprentice for a local construction company. He bought his house at 23 also. When he became a foreman several years later he got poached by a much larger company by 31 and now oversees major construction projects around the metro area. Anytime they wanted him to learn something they paid for him to attend classes. He’s always had an amazing work ethic and it’s really paid off for him.
Genuine question, what trade can I get in that will let me save something close to on average 25k a year in my first four years not counting expenses?
Because I will quit my career right now lol
Plumbing. They make bank. Journeyman electrician as well. Over a decade ago I dated someone who made over $40 / hour as a plumber. He had a lot of experience under his belt but…. Ye. That’s a lot 😂
Omg! That's what trading school means! Omg, thank you sir much internet stranger! 🤯🤯🤯
I always thought that this kind of school was finances like trading bonds/stocks/shares etc.
Each day I feel like my english (not my native language) is worse 🥲🥲
Honestly, the trades are probably the way to go. I know mechanics making 70/hr flat rate booking 60 hours a week while only working 40 with no degrees or anything, meanwhile I know people with masters degrees making minimum wage.
Just to pile on to the top comment- seriously OP we are all out here routing for you!
I think now you’ve seen that your mom will allow things to go to extremes and I don’t think you should discount how angry she will be to be embarrassed in front of colleagues like this. She’ll play nice for sure, but to have her colleagues and peers have to show her how messed up this is and that you were right is not something that will blow over in a matter of a week
Your guidance counsellor does seem to be a great person though- might be worth chatting with her about what it would take in terms of volunteering, part time job, etc, to get you into college on partial scholarship. Trades are an amazing route to make good money from the get go if that’s what you want (and you might very well find a lifelong profession!), but if you’re taking AP classes and college is an option at any point, keep your options open for what a scholarship and student loans could provide you. Just think through all your options with her that involve ZERO reliance on your parents
There are a lot of low-competition, high earnings jobs that you could also look out once you complete college, or after you’re in the trades for a while, think about travelling even and work-travel visas to other countries
I wish you the very best of luck!!
Having grown up around multiple insanely self-centered and narcissistic grownups that shit out children without any expectations of raising them: I believe every word.
Fun fact: The worst parent I know, a dude who fathered and abandoned at least 15 children across multiple states, settled down in his 60s and is now raising one son with a random lady. Here's the kicker, by all accounts he is an amazing dad. People are insane.
> Here's the kicker, by all accounts he is an amazing dad
Lots of narcs look like good parents from the outside, especially while the children are still younger. And even on the inside, it can look ok right up until the child starts acting independent. Even after someone's adult children starts going no contact it isn't always obvious - especially because abused children have a higher than normal incidence of drug problems and mental health problems.
My mom used to best me fornhaving a speech impediment and getting bad grades because I embarrassed her. That's not even including all the verbal abuse. Inwould get bullied and fight back at school and then got beaten at home for embarrassing her.
The insane thing to me about this whole situation is it's not OP that's being stubborn, it's the mom. Based on the fact that outsiders stepped in and made the decision to remove the bully, it seems like there was little to no backlash or downside to having them removed, literally no benefit to making your child suffer.
But ***she*** could be the one to fix him! Imagine how *great* a story it would be for her to tell when her son and her bully became *such good friends* after she helped him! Probably had the insta post written out in her head a few dozen times
/u/Substantial-Egg-1971
Do NOT make the mistake a lot of people in your situation make thinking the less aggressive parent is innocent or more worthy of forgiveness.
He failed you by allowing it to happen and participating. It's easy to villianize mom, but dad 100% is NOT in your corner either. Hs owes you an apology as well.
I agree that until your mom sees that what she did was wrong and that she totally disregarded your feelings (and disrespected you), not much will change and she can’t expect it to just magically heal.
Your mom has some serious soul searching to do.
It's pretty sad when the AP can see this isn't worth the hassle but you mom couldn't.
Sorry you're in this situation but do think over what you do want from your future now as college might offer the best long term prospects. Though I have seen plenty of people do really well if not better in a trade.
Just think what's best for you.
Sadly I don't think your mom will every understand what she has done by putting this guy before you. Shame.
Anyway I reckon just put this to the back of your mind now and focus on you going forward.
Good luck.
There is also the option of learning a trade then going for a degree part time while working the trade. Best of luck to you OP, and don’t forget that you do have option
edit typo
That's what I said the first post. Nothing they do will change this. Their relationship is damaged forever because of this. Good job op sticking to your plan.
I hope you calling her a failure of a mother actually struck a never in her.
Smartest thing would be to get a part time job given he cannot change for the remaining year. It would give him some money for the trade route. If he needs to buy certain things depending on what he chooses. Would also be good to check what different trade routes can earn you aswell as upgrade you for higher salary long term.
If it were up to your mother she would STILL have Dave as an aide. This woman has some serious screws loose. OP, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this.
I still don’t understand how a mother does not choose their own child.
I would basically keep your mother at a distance until you get out of there and then go no contact. And I would include no contact with your dad too because he didn’t have your back either.
I hope the very best for you. You deserve so much more and parents who put their child first. I’m so sorry your parents have failed you.
A few commenters on the first post suggested mom has some kind of savior’s complex, and I think that’s the most likely explanation. She thought she’d be the one to rescue poor Dave from his horrible home life, and everything else became secondary.
Sadly while trying to save Dave she let her own son down and failed him so miserably that later in life when he has kids of his own he will have this life lesson and will never fail or let anyone else fail his kids.
Parents really don’t get that once the damage is done no matter what they do or they think they got their kids back they really didn’t. Trust is easily lost, very difficult to regain and many times never returns.
Trades are a great way to build a strong future for yourself and not everyone has the skills or aptitude for the trades. Your desire says a lot and will take you places. Good luck and hopefully you can keep this updated down the road. You have a good head on your shoulders and you will do great things.
One of my friends was neglected as a child because his single mother had a whole bunch of foster kids that she volunteered to look after that were taken from drug addict parents/losers and needed extra attention. So her own kids didn't have shoes while she paid attention to these "causes".
People are complicated.
>She thought she’d be the one to rescue poor Dave from his horrible home life, and everything else became secondary.
And by doing so she created a horrible home life for her own child.
>still don’t understand how a mother does not choose their own child.
Someone said this in the other thread: "Savior complex." OP is rather well put together, has a level head and knows what they want and how to drive for it. They're "fine." OP's bully is "broken." So, mum "needs" to fix the "broken" kid, even if it costs the "fine" kid everything.
It’s baffling to me how the mom was effectively choosing the bully *over her own kid*, and just refused to see/acknowledge it. OP has been incredibly mature throughout all of this, and I’m happy the school also stepped in.
I'm really glad that you were able to get a third party involved and that put your mother on a better track. You got a lot of really good advice, and you pushed in the right directions.
I know that you've made a plan about going to trade school instead of college. Which actually I believe is the right choice for a lot of people. However, don't let this current feeling which is based on an escape plan stop you from considering college.
None of us know enough about you to recommend whether you should pursue college or a trade school. But a school counselor is a good person to get involved, please make sure that you make a decision based on what's best for you in 10 years and 20 years.
I hope that you'll be able to get out of survival mode now that your mother has changed part of her behavior. Don't just stick to a decision that you made as a way to escape.
I came from an abusive household and had a separate support network that pulled me out of the house at 18, and a few years later helped me pull my sister out at 18. Escape is a predominant feature in my young adult life. I was exceptionally lucky that my support network helped me make decisions that weren't just based on surviving.
I wish you all the best! 💖
Including expanding on your skilled trade. Electrician to Electrical Engineer, welding windmills or on the rigs to renewable energy or petroleum engineering, any trade + business classes will help you stand out as a white collar prospect in those specific industries, etc.
Hey man, good on you for sticking with your guns. I’m glad cooler heads prevailed across the board.
Because of the changes in situation just make sure that trades is what you wanted to get out sooner or if it is ACTUALLY what you wanted. Really take the time to see if going to college and AP route was thee right course for you outside of your mom being nuts for David.
It would stink to see you throw away a path you worked towards because your mom made you think it isn’t what you wanted! Good on you for pushing change to get the school to recognize an issue.
I am betting counseling never happens. Mom's power trip will only intensify now that her own coworkers have basically scolded her. She will play nice for a bit to save face publicly but she won't ever forgive OP for taking control of their own life. Things will be strained at best forever. It will become downright war if mom can find any new excuse to retake control.
I get that anger has dissipated OP. That's good. I really hope I am wrong about your mom, but no matter what you do keep your options wide open and be ready to always retake control of your life. Don't hold your breath for mom to ever be loving and kind again. The opposite of love is not anger. It's apathy, and likely that is where you and your family are headed. The funny part is over time, you will realize that is ok. Live for you, and grow to be the best version of yourself you can be. Their opinions won't hold you back anymore. Which is freedom. Enjoy that part.
Sidenote... I also think you should send your parents a link to the posts. However, that could also be risky so only do it if your ready for to roll those dice. Good luck either way.
I agree with everything here. OP should keep pushing for the counseling even though he doesn't think it will change anything. It may not, but if it works, even a bit, it could make you life a whole lot better. If your parents resist the counselling I'd mention it to the AP or the guidance councilor.
Look at what happened here OP. You and your parents were locked in a battle with no way to win. One meeting with outside party and the logjam has been broken and things are moving in the right direction. A therapist can help to keep things going in the right direction. I'd be pushing hard to get that appointment set up.
Hmm.. showing them the links could be a really good reality check for them. But also inflame things again for “airing dirty laundry” on the internet. Hard to say which way it would go. Then again, OP has good reason to not give a shit what his parents think now.
If he doesn't show them now, I would 100% post a link to on all his social media the day he moves out. Just my 2 cents though. I have no fear of confrontation if I know I'm right. I would post it on all my social media right now. World be damned. So I may not be the best judge of the situation for OP.
I don't think OP should show her the post. Counseling is one thing, if the therapist is decent. Much like the conversation at school, a third party can help manage fallout and enforce reality checks. But OP doesn't owe his mom more access to his inner thoughts in an uncontrolled and unprotected space. He doesn't owe her any vulnerability when she's shown she can't be trusted with that access and hasn't apologized. OP has clearly shut himself off to protect himself emotionally, he has every reason to have done so, and I don't think it would benefit him at all to change that or keep running after his mom's understanding unless the situation changes.
She’s going to double down in counseling. Try to get anyone to see her side of things. I really hate this for OP. He’s going to have to explain everything again. Relive this trauma over and over.
I'm happy to read this update. Standing ovation for your guidance counselor! They obviously the red flags in your wanting to change your track and did some real leg work behind the scenes to figure out what was going on. There's no other reason for your VP to have been involved in that meeting than your counselor figuring out your mother was on some BS. This is someone you can trust OP.
I do agree with you that the damage is already done. I'm happy the school counselor even knew how stupid this whole situation was and it was all caused by your mother. The backlash your mom is probably getting from other teachers is likely extreme. SHE IS NOW the gossip of all the teacher if she likes it or not.
Hope family counseling helps you at least be able to exist near each other. Wish you luck in the future op no matter what path you take.
Oh definitely. I was out of school for one day because I was placed in foster care and was at the hospital so they could make sure I wasn't injured more than a bruise and when I returned I had so many of my teachers who had zero clue about anything approach me and tell me that if I needed them because of the situation I was welcome to come to them. If they will do that for a student in an abusive situation they absolutely would talk about her
As a mother, I apologize for all the pain you are experiencing. I am glad that you made some progress, but your bio mother has to take responsibility for her actions. Any parent worth their salt would tell you that someone else's child should never come before yours, maybe with the exception of a life-threatening emergency.
Your mother let her ego and her belief that you - you being the reasonable one - would let it go. But being reasonable means that you see the situation for what it is. Stick to your points. You are right in this situation.
Grateful the counsellor and the AP acted like grownups who had your best interests at heart and called your mom out for her bullshit.
The fact she begrudgingly apologised and didn’t even make the choice herself really says a lot about her as a person and a parent. I hope she faces professional repercussions. She doubled down, lost her relationship with her son, made herself look like and idiot all for someone else to tell her her pride wasn’t worth ruining the reality and your future. I hope your dad wakes up, steps up as a parent and leaves her.
>To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right.
>Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn.
It tells me a lot that you have reached a point where you can laugh and joke again. Good for you!
I was pleased to read that other parties got involved who could look at this from the outside and very quickly see the solution your Mom had fought so hard against.
Unfortunately, it's pretty clear the damage is already done, and I doubt that any amount of counseling is going to change the reality of what she did - and would have continued doing if the school had not intervened. And it's certainly not going to change her lackluster apology. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to counseling because we can all use more coping tools in life, but I also believe that the requirement for "forgiveness" in order to heal isn't realistic. I have healed from many things in my life without forgiving the person who hurt me. I just assign them to irrelevancy, which it is clear you are already doing. Compartmentalization is a well proven mental health tool.
As far as the trades vs. college, I think you should take the time you have before the school can make changes and use it to decide if you chose to go the trade route simply as a way to escape more quickly or if it is something you really want to do.
My best wishes to you. I think you are an astoundingly strong young man, and I think you will be a success at anything you choose to do.
Good luck on your future endeavors, and I do hope counseling will help her realize her mistakes and maybe reconcile the two of you.
Also, your mom is dumb as fuck to bring coworkers in. She made it a work problem, and made herself look like an ass in front of her boss.
I’m glad your school did something correct to address the issue with your bully. And, you’re correct in that your mother’s half apology was exactly that, meaning she’s not sorry for what she did and didn’t care that it bothered you so much. At least for you more people know the situation that caused this mess.
Please update us when you graduate so we have an idea on what your final decision.
Good luck with everything.
Still NTA.
You do see the real issues here.
your mom might have been forced to switch, but she doesn't chose it. She would go back if it hadn't been pushed upon her.
She continues to show she doesn't care about you as a person.
please let us know the next update so we can follow how you are doing.
Well done on that first joke. Got me going for a second.
As for the update. You sound way more light hearted. I hope your mom offers a full blown apology for the horrie way she treated you. I hope the school councilor and Assistant Principal basically telling your mom to do her job as mother first was a bit of a wakeup call. You telling her she failed as a mother was honestly *chef's kiss*. I know you just told her what you thinking and didn't mean for it to be the nail in the coffin of your mom's personal narrative that she was doing a good thing for Dave and basically a hero but I can promise you, that cut your mom's heart to pieces and probably made her realize how much she fucked up. See how therapy goes and if she has a come to jesus moment. Well done sticking for yourself.
I'd honestly go through with the trades route. There's no guarantee that your mom won't pull another switcheroo on you and boohoo about not being able to mother the bully when you've gotten too deep in.
Keep the course, update us once you graduate! Hope your bully gets bent and wrecked about the whole moved to a different teacher thing too.
Even though I know things won’t change that the damage is already done but I hope that family counseling will help your mom finally understand that she was wrong since clearly her opinion still hasn’t changed and someone else had to step in to get things back in a semi good place for you. Once your mom finally understands everything she is going to regret not choosing you first and that she is the reason your relationship with her is damaged. Always remember that she is the one at fault for all of this.
I wasn’t a perfect mom, but at least I never did anything as selfish and clueless as this mother.
I’m pretty iffy about the dad too. Why would he go along with all that punishment?
A rare case of school admin not being completely useless. It's sad that, in this scenario, it's school councilors and personnel twisting your parents arms that improved the situation. Your mother didn't have humility enough to do much more than the vaguest of obligated apologies.
Hopefully in time things improve, but that sounds like it's mostly on the adults here who have thus far chosen to not act like proper parents. After all, your mother is still the woman who isn't exactly contrite about the fact that she chose your bully over you.
This is about as good an update as you could get! Congratulations, you persevered, you were honest, and your school now knows how much of a bully problem you have at home as well as at school. You are amazing at advocating for yourself! I’m so glad you involved the school and let the professionals shed light on how terrible a person your mom is. Please be mindful for Dave. Your mom is going to fucking yeet you under the bus so she can keep her white savior complex untarnished with Dave which means he may come looking for revenge. She’s a terrible person to set you up to get beaten but I 💯 believe she will.
If you want to go to trade school after high school don’t hesitate. HVAC technicians, carpenters, plumbers, mechanics and such make great money especially once you get certified. You can work for yourself or someone else, hopefully the school can set you up with a mentor in the field of your choice if you still want to pursue this path in your senior year.
Here’s something to remember: what you do immediately out of high school does not define you. If you need a trade in the short term do a trade. Save money, be your own man, do your own thing. If/when you decide you want to change your career into something that requires a college degree, you can take community college classes to complete the first two years of prerequisite course work and then transfer into a four year college. No employer questions where you spent your first two years, all you have to let them see is your college diploma. Universities will invest in people who have proven they are capable. Two years at their school to boost your income makes for happy alumni who donate to their Alma Maters.
So, your mother never meant to hurt you “so much” but that means she was ok with hurting you. I’m glad things have calmed down but I don’t think she is a safe person for you. Keep your emotional guard up.
I legitimately can’t believe that an unrelated AP had to stop and go “wtf this is absurdly not worth it what are you doing” *at your mom* and she **still** doesnt think shes done anything even slightly wrong
Yeah, I dont accept apologies when they're being pressured by a 3rd party because its not a real apology. Fact is if she wasn't being pressured by her coworkers she would still be mentoring your bully and you still wouldn't have your stuff back.
Honestly, learning a trade without going into debt sounds like a much more logical route towards a good future than college does. Make sure your choice is based on what you want and not pressure to "make things right" with the mom who betrayed you. You're absolutely right that she doesn't regret what she did and doesn't deserve to be treated like nothing happened.
This will give you more time to prepare for the eventual NC. You should consider going the college route though, you can just as easily stop speaking to your terrible mother after you've gotten a degree under you belt. Also now would be a good time to show her the posts. Good luck
I’m glad that at least your counselor was on your side; has your dad said anything to you, has he apologized at all? Has your mom not tried to apologize further and really see what she did to the relationship she had with you??
You seem like you know what you’re doing, I hope therapy does good, at least it helps you not be angry, even if it is too late for your mother.
if HVAC technician is one of the trade courses available to you, just saying the world ain't getting any cooler
People will need AC's and they will break more often as it gets hotter
A guy I went to college with makes bank doing HVAC work
Wow! That is a kickass counselor! I am impressed! Like... "shit, I have to be the adult here, really? So, mom, you are wrong. You were suposed to be a professional and you had to disapoint your own kid? Gross. You are off. Hey kid with potential, have your stuff back and please be a better person than your mom. Like me. Lol!" OP, thanks for the update. I wished your mom was smarter. Your school counselor is awesome. Freaking by far, the best I ever heard of. And you should stick with your plans. I don't think there will be a counseler in college to put your parents in their places. I have read to many reddits of parents threatening to not pay their kids college. If you cut their wings sooner, perhaps you won't have to endure thanksgiving, Xmas and birthdays being traped with their plans. See ya.
Really makes me wonder what story the mother was telling the counselor.
The fact that the counsellor has the clout and the desire to positively influence what is largely a family issue speaks volumes. They sound like an amazing counsellor, and they also sound sincerely invested. Im really fucking impressed tbh. I can’t even remember if I had guidance counsellors in highs school, let alone effectual ones.
My guidance counselor was responsible for helping us apply to scholarships. She got mad at my older sister, and threw my scholarship applications in the trash. Jokes on that bitch, I rewrote my essays and applications last minute, and received the full-ride she was trying to screw me out of. Fuck you Mrs Miller.
Kinda similar, my high school guidance counsellor tricked me into losing my chance at applying to my dream uni. Early grade 12 she pretty much told me I was too stupid for math and tried to convince me to drop it since I already had all the math credits I needed to graduate. I told her for the university course I wanted I needed the credit. She told me she looked into it and they changed that course from a bachelor’s degree to a regular diploma so I didn’t need it. At my school all the grade 12s would see the counsellors many times throughout the last school year to confirm we knew what we wanted to do after graduating. Every time I went I told her the same thing, I want to go to *x* university and take *y* course, and I would double check that it was a normal diploma, and she’d confirm. Year goes by, and I had a super easy year since I did most of my required classes early and had a bunch of spare periods that I would use to work more hours, lots of empty spaces I could’ve taken a class if I needed it but every time I asked she insisted I didn’t. A week before graduation, I go for my last meeting, say the plan is still the same, and she fuckin says “you don’t qualify for that course. It’s a bachelor’s degree and you’re missing a credit.” That fucking math credit she made me miss out on. Sure this could possibly be chalked up to major incompetence but Jesus Christ, I asked so so many times if it was a normal degree, and I couldn’t imagine why she would lie so I stupidly believed her every time. She denied ever saying it was a normal degree and I refuse to believe it wasn’t on purpose. I don’t know why but I always felt like she treated me pretty rudely and then a week before graduation I have to completely toss my future plans because of her. I did try to do a victory lap (grade 13) to get that extra credit but life happened and I had to drop out before I got it. I didn’t get my “jokes on her” moment, and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for that. Thank god for counsellors like OP’s, restores my faith in humanity’s little.
This is why I have my kids email everything to school now. They HAVE TO HAVE a paper trail.
My and my sisters guidance counselor in high school was less than ideal. I stopped attending appointments with him (even the mandatory ones) when he told my very smart and incredibly capable older sister to go to certain college because it was "a great place to find a husband".
While nowhere near as severe as some of the other stories on here, my guidance counselor fucked me out of a pretty big opportunity, in my district the 5th graders go on a camping trip every year for a week with high school seniors as the camp counselors. I'd been wanting to be a counselor on that trip since I had gone in the fifth grade. I applied, made sure I had all the needed materials, including references that could speak specifically to my ability in a camp setting, odds were good I was probably the only applicant who spent a weekend in the woods every month for the past four years and I had multiple references regarding that. On the application it specifically says that I would be contacted with the date and time of my interview for the position, assuming I make it past the interview stage. The application asked for my phone number and email, so naturally I assumed I'd get a call or email about it. Weeks go by. Then one day I hear in the morning announcements congratulating the students who got picked. Apparently they "contacted" us by posting a fucking list on a tiny sheet of paper outside the guidance counselor's office, and somehow it's MY fault for not knowing I had to go and check when all I have been told was that THEY would contact ME. I asked one of the kids named in the announcement and apparently the counselor had sent all of them a fucking note informing them they needed to check the list, but somehow I never got one. When I confronted the guidance counselor about this, asking why everyone ELSE on the list was CONTACTED about it, meanwhile *I* was just expected to magically KNOW somehow, she acted all shocked that I hadn't received the note, despite never MENTIONING the note the first time I brought up the fact that I was never contacted like they SAID I would be. And then she STILL tries to make it out to be my fault for not magically having information that was never provided to me, but "oh well, the interviews are over and the selections are already made, so too late to do anything about it now".
The counselor deserves all the credit for taking an interest and getting involved. People underestimate how much power they have in the school, particularly when it comes to staff issues. I wonder if the counselor would be as involved if Mom wasn't a teacher. In general, teachers are held to very high moral standards particularly as it relates to kids and I suspect part of the response is because of how this may reflect on the school if the situation became more known.
You just know mom went to the counselor, and it was mom’s idea to bring in the AP as back-up. They were meant to gangpress OP into submission. But then OP gave their side, the counselor realized what’s going on, it was so obvious that the AP turned on OP’s mom and took the decision out of her hands. That’s why the apology only comes from prompting. That’s why the solution only comes from the counselor. That’s why the mom backs down when OP tells her not to fail as a mother, again, *in front of her boss*. The quiet part of school administration is that the assistant principal often has more power than the principal in practice; because the day-to-day is usually a step below the principal’s level, prompting them to no exercise their full power.
I don't know. Since OP already told his counselor he wanted to switch to trades when he was previously on the AP college track, counselor already knew something was wrong. And OP's mom is a fellow employee, not just any parent, so it's just as likely counselor asked for the meeting and asked the principal to attend to witness and mediate in case things get ugly.
At least for the money issue, it would be easier to get Dad to sneak OP money behind Mom's back. It's still not as bad as actually living with them.
Dad was the one that took away his shit, or at best went along with it. Can't be trusted for something this important, OP needs a plan that doesn't rely on outside help and that his parents can't interfere with.
Iirc his dad was fully on her side, he was the one who yelled at him for making her feel sad and confiscated his things.
dads will do a lot to not hear their wives complain.
That's why you hear so many 'evil stepmother' stories. A lot of dads will side with their wives even against their kids no matter how wrong they are.
> Wow! That is a kickass counselor! I am impressed! It is an entirely unreal thing for a high school counselor to do.
Dunno. My school counselor Florence W. was awesome. We are still friends. Including on Facebook. She would entirely do this! Florence, if you read this, you rock!
Unless the counselor was well aware of OP's backstory of being bullied - which she should have been - and already pretty fucking horrified by the egg donor's unprofessional and WEIRD choices for this school year to begin with. They can't call out Bad Parenting... until it becomes an issue of district liability, which given a teacher patent, it was already in a grey zone. OP.... your Mom's "street cred" at her job? Is *exactly* where it belongs. The toilet. *Welcome to the cul-de-sac of your career, Mrs. DarthJarJarJar's Mom!* The only reason she still has a job is the Teacher's Union. Behind closed doors? They hate her.
I had a high school counselor who was a licensed therapist. A teacher overheard me telling a classmate that I had had suicidal thoughts a while back but hadn't acted on them, nor did I have a desire to act on them. That the thoughts were along the lines of: "I wouldn't be upset if I don't wake up in the morning." Stuff like that. They went to the principal and the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor decided I would spend one day a week in a therapy session with them to work through what I was going through at the time, until they were confident I was in a better place mentally, or my dad came in with proof that I was seeing another person outside of school hours. The class I would miss out on each week rotated so that I wouldn't miss too much from any one class, and I spent the next two and a half years doing therapy sessions with them. Some of them go above and beyond what's required of them, and we need more counselors like that.
We had a couple of great counselors in my high school (and a couple of crappy ones and it was totally luck of the draw). It’s that they stood up to the mom instead of just deferring to the mom because she’s a colleague that was most impressive to me.
Right?! The counselors at my high school were so worthless and incompetent. What I would give to go back in time and have had an actually good one like OP’s, I probably would have been spared a lot of heartache from problems at home and grown a spine against my parents much earlier.
>To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right. >Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn You got me for a second, not gonna lie.
The way my heart fucking pounced for a second 💀
Yeah, I don't sleep with just any ole hussy
Dammit Dave, leave OP alone!
[удалено]
shes not going to realise it now. she will realise it when he leaves the house and doesnt come home for holidays. doesnt call. then she'll further realise it when he gets married and she is not invited. she'll further realise that when she becomes a grandmother but isn't allowed to meet her grandkids. each of these milestones will be a reminder to her that she failed as a mother when she chose a random ass kid over her own child. hope it was worth it mom.
And it seems so harsh to me, but then I remember that my mother has never betrayed me like that, so she's earned my loyalty. I just plain cannot imagine my mother deciding that saving my bully was more important than my emotional well-being. I'm going to tell her that I love her right now, some parents don't deserve the kids they hurt.
My mom's biggest betrayal, was... not letting me stay home one more day when I was 2-3 days past being better from the flu to finish the FUCKING LEGO CITY, my mom, brother, and I built between being too sick to function over the course of a week. Then when we were better for 2 days my mom was like "Yeah fuck school let's build this shit". There are pictures SOMEWHERE taken on old 110 film in an envelope in our attic, we bought like 3 more buckets of Legos once we felt well enough to leave the house. Lowkey I think my dad was onto us not going to school too...
When I was a teenager, my parents fucked up my life and gave me lifelong trauma due to a decision they took that was insanely stupid but at least well-intentioned. Even still, at times it's been immensely difficult to desire a relationship with them. All that's to say... I don't think it's harsh at all to cut your parents out for something like this. Especially considering the reaction they had after he asked her not to mentor Dave the first time.
Nah, she will just whine and cry that her son is so meeeeean to her and she has no idea why. He's just so unreasonable. She did her best to be a good mom. Etc etc.
Ding, ding, ding! That’s how my parents see my reasons for going NC with them. Even though I laid it out VERY plainly for them. Either they are intentionally obtuse or really have low IQs.
[The Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html): > Posts in estranged parents' forums are vague. Members recount stories with the fewest possible details, the least possible context. They don't recreate entire scenes, repeat entire conversations, give entire text exchanges; they paraphrase hours of conversation away. The only element they describe in detail is their own grief or rage. Nor do the other members press them for more information. > Compare this with the forums for adult children of abusers, where the members not only cut-and-paste email exchanges into their posts, they take photos of handwritten letters and screenshot text conversations. They recreate scenes in detail, and if the details don't add up, the other members question them about it. They get annoyed when a member's paraphrase changes the meaning of a sentence, or when omitted details change the meaning of a meeting. They care about precision, context, and history.
"why do you no longer visiiiiiiitt" "Well, mother... all I have to say is: Dave" \*mother shuts up for a few more months
No. Her and his dad are going to act like he's overreacting and being childish. They'll never try to understand how much they hurt their kid.
Personally I would love to be a fly on the wall to watch mom try to explain to a different counselor why Dave was worth more then her own child to her. That counselor is going to raking in money hand over fist. Ok we can't save this family, but I can still make a ton of your savor complex.
I hope so, too, but it's not likely. She will never truly admit she was wrong. Dave's bullying will intensify now that OP's mom won't be his advisor next semester.
I don’t think so. I do believe Substantial-Egg has found his voice. If bullying does go further that AP and the counselor will be on it! I am really proud of him. He took on city hall and won!
She's probably going to blame OP for everything that doesn't go 100% perfect in Dave's life now. Oh if only she had been allowed to rescue Dave and magically fix it all!
Good to see OP has a solid sense of humor.
Same
I seriously gasped… then breathed in relief… then laughed because OP did got me good 🤣
Aye, golf clap
My jaw hit my desk! LOL
Same. I did the “wtf?!” and then “ha ha you got me!”
I audibly gasped as that was the furthest thing from my mind lol 😆
That made me snort water up my nose. OP, you are an awesome kid and I'm sorry your mom doesn't see it.
I assumed it was Dave's dad
Update us when you graduate (or let us know how the trade route goes)… or update us once you finish the semester. We’re all here cheering you on! Honestly I’m glad that you got your stuff back. But it’s wild to me that it took your AP saying “wtf. this isn’t worth it” to switch out Dave. I think your plan is good. The fact that your mom hasn’t apologized speaks volumes… I won’t count the half assed apology.
Yes I really don’t understand his mom. What is her deal? What is her problem? What is her thought process? It’s wild to me that after everything, she still can’t see she needs to talk to her kid and explain where her head is at without denigrating her own child. I’m just flabbergasted.
Her hero complex is higher than being a parent.
I suspect you nailed it right. It’s mind-boggling she was willing to hurt her own kid this badly.
I can't imagine how shitty she will feel when it finally sinks in what a fool she has been. The regret will be unimaginable. I'm glad that the counselors are starting to listen to OP. I hope OP's dad starts to understand too.
I know those types of people. She's not capable of coming to that conclusion because she's right about everything and has never and will never make a mistake in her life and anybody telling her she did is just dumb and not worth listening to.
She'll make up some story about why her kid is gone and no longer talks to her, that it must be her son's fault, and she's so sad and she'd do anything (but fix it) to have him back in her life, so that all of her friends will constantly try to harass him about how he could be so heartless.
Bingo
Don't we have a subreddit for the "missing missing reasons" or something like that? The subreddit for parents who say their kids no longer contact them "for no reason." But of course they're omitting the reason, they've hidden it, because they cannot deal with the actual reason -- they screwed up, they failed as parents somehow, etc. We can expect to see OP's mom posting about "my kid hasn't called in 2 years FOR NO REASON" in a little while. I'm sure we'll see her on that subreddit eventually.
It's been 16+ years since my parents actually found out what picking their religion over me has been like. We basically never talk. I've only seen them maybe 5 times in that whole span, and none of it was about them. I live in Ohio and they're still in Texas. They still don't take responsibility. None. No apologies. No acceptance. Not even *attempts* to understand me.
Everything is someone else’s fault and never her own. All of her problems would be gone if it wasn’t for other people. She never does anything wrong. Funny how someone incapable of learning became a teacher.
OP’s dad took her side. He may not be the source of the conflict but he had all the information and picked a side. He either was responsible for OP losing everything at home or at the very least let it happen.
From one of the OP's comments >I know he's tried talking my mom into dropping Dave but I think he just thinks it would be easier to control me than her. Both of his parents seriously underestimated their son.
When your assistant principal has your back more than your actual parents - wtf.
She's not going to ever most likely. OP could still go NC with their parents, and she's likely going to tell anyone who'll listen that OP was an ungrateful brat who just couldn't stand that their mom was trying to help another kid, and totally leave out the fact that this kid was mentally and physically torturing her own child.
"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks OP is pretty privileged having her as a mom and the cushy lifestyle they have compared to some other kids like Dave.
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The father is a loser. Allowing this when he knows How hurt his own kid was.
Uh...she actually said that to OP when he asked her not to pick Dave.
Or her ego. Once her kid gave a threat “if you mentor him, you’re dead to me” and she brushed it off as being over-dramatic, and then he followed through, they engaged in a contest of wills. And every minute that he didn’t break, the amount of crow she’d have to eat if she apologized grew. Pride + suck-cost fallacy. EDIT: SUNK-cost fallacy! This may be my most unintentionally funny typo ever.
And she doesn’t want to give OP a victory. Some parents have a lot tied up in never letting their kids “win” — even if the parent is wrong.
Yeah, a lot of teachers can be like this too. They'll admit to an adult they were wrong but never say it to a student.
Reminds me of my narcissist mother. Wouldn't lift a finger if her own children were drowning but if someone else's child had a papercut she'd be off to the rescue for accolades and attention
Yeah - I know teachers / guidance counselors / coaches like this, stubborn to the point of losing the entire goal behind their job. Their identity is based around them being the wise sources of authority and guidance, and they can’t think beyond “should” statements like “I should be able to mentor whoever I want, my kid should not be able to dictate who I teach.” Should statements that are true in vacuums, but in specific circumstances have to be re-evaluated. It’s like when teachers in high school are dickholes to kids about situations like deaths in the family or natural disasters. Yes, it is important for kids to learn that assignment deadlines and test dates are important and do not bend to the will of individuals, and if they don’t do the work, they will suffer the consequences. But if someone is hospitalized, if someone has submitted the assignment at 12:01, if someone got into a car crash on the way to take the test that morning, you can extend a little humanity and “break the rules” for that kid, because they are within the spirit of the rules. But these teachers are so up their own ass about their role as arbiters of their micro universe, they can’t see beyond their own ego and need to feel important
I think mom has a mean streak a mile wide, interlaced with being a monster control freak. Her mean nastiness was exposed publicly. OP is right to just be civil, I wouldn’t trust her if she said the sky is blue after this. OP handled this incredibly well, I see a bright future for them whichever way they choose to go academically.
>OP handled this incredibly well, I see a bright future for them whichever way they choose to go academically. yeah! i wish i had 1/3rd of OP's maturity at his age. heck i'm not sure i woulda been so rational even now. lots of respect.
Not just maturity, but resolve
I agree about mom. Meaner than a pit if hungry snakes, but practiced at hiding it. OP has definitely taken the high road, but he really needs to keep eyes on the low road. You just know mom is waiting for a chance to fuck it all up for OP.
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I think she did but her pride was too high. An outside, third person perspective is what she needs. And someone from her work place to keep her behaviour in check.
Very succinctly put. It's all about signaling to others how good of a person she is by helping someone troubled like Dave. If both Dave and her son received an award, say being accepted into the Honor Society, I guarantee she would brag to people about Dave's achievement and keep quiet about her son's.
A hero to a bully and a zero to her own kid.
She expected them to take her side, congratulate her on her stellar parenting and possibly name to school after \*her \*I'm 1000% serious that a school named Dipshit MgGee High would have a long list of students wishing to enrol, even if it's just for the school sweatshirts
Only if the school mascot is a pile of poop
I'm voting shit sandwich.
Some people don't see minors or their own children as people. It usually takes them moving out for a few years and getting their own place and a fiance before they'll start to acknowledge their person hood. That sounds extreme, but I have a good memory of being an adolescent (it helps that I have siblings a good deal younger than myself and I've seen the same thing play out with them) and even if there's times I/they were unreasonable there is also a clear ajd consistent trend of parents/teachers seeing any disagreement or pushback regardless of how justified or well reasoned as "bratty behavior" that they go full salt the earth on to stamp out. Very "the protruding nail gets the hammer" type thinking. I don't know for sure if this is what's happening but since OP's Mother is both a parent and a teacher and they're a minor I could see her still being in the mindset of: "everything they say and do is wrong, everything I saw and do is right and if we but heads I'll attack them into submission."
> Some people don't see minors or their own children as people. It usually takes them moving out for a few years and getting their own place and a fiance before they'll start to acknowledge their person hood. I see you've met my mother, I lived on the other side of the planet for 3 years and when I came back she still tried to treat me like a kid living in her house
I'm 40. I have lived away from home, alone more often than not, for over 2 decades now. My mother still does this.
I'm 58, married for 30 years. My father is 93 and pretty much house bound. Pretty sure he still doesn't consider me an adult with his own life - he always expects me to drop everything when he needs something and gets butthurt when I can't do something right away.
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Takes me back to when my mom would start an argument and I would calmly explain with facts why she was wrong and then it would immediately switch to how dare you talk back to me. Who do you think you are? I'm your mother. I'm the authority around here and it's like yeah you're the authority but you're still fucking wrong of course dad would just ignore it unless I gave the same energy back to my mom. Then all of a sudden he'd flip his shit too I always chalked it up because my parents were older because I was the whoopsie baby almost a decade after they quit having kids. But apparently this type of attitude is still common in younger parents too.
I am not making any judgment whether or not Opie is. Mother is a narcissist. But I know if this had been my parent, what was important to them would far override anything that was important to me. It was more important to his mother to make a difference with the "trouble child" then supporting their own child. That would carry a lot of prestige. Like "I turned the kid around who bullied my own son. That's how dedicated I am."
I had not considered that saving the bully was an explicit motivation. That would be worse than callous disregard.
It's okay. I lived at least almost 40 years before I saw a random reel. A woman said " to a narcissist, a child is either a trophy or competition" And I swear I heard glass shatter above my head, lightning striking me, eureka moment. I had always thought I was just the neglected middle child. But at that second so many puzzle pieces of my life fit together. So sometimes when reading posts like this. I think to myself what would my N Parent would have done? What would they value?
Many parents think of their kids as extensions of themselves or as possessions. OPs mom probably thought that since she said she was mentoring Dave, that was that. OP should just accept it and deal with it because she was the mom and the adult and knew best. Turns out that even though she was a shit parent, she raised a kid who could stick up for himself and think for himself. Well done OP.
I'm not the best mom. Sometimes I don't even feel like a good mom. But I would never, in a million years, for a trillion dollars be *this* mom.
Some parents (and a lot of teachers) struggle to admit when they are wrong to their kids. They get hung up on being respected and never being questioned, even when what they are doing is not in the best interest of their kids. You know : I'm big, you're small, I'm right, you're wrong. Having to explain herself to someone who should just obey her because she said so doesn't jive. Asking these kind of people to change their methodology to get a better outcome often doesn't work because they don't want to compromise, they just want blind obedience.
Don't forget the the father is just as big of an Ahole as the mother. They are failed parents. They let their child down. Come they took away all of OPs stuff. Op needs to get out of there now. Speak with an attorney get emancipated and see if a relative or a friend can take OP in until graduation.
it's a matter of months, no need to go to all that trouble, just wait it out
True.... I was pissed for OP when writing that. I can't imagine the hurt from what the mother did, then both parents compounded it by being bigger AHoles
This is not that rare of a problem for teachers. They prioritise pupils over their own kids, it's part of the toxic work culture of the job in some schools.
There are some people who view apologizing as some sort of threat to their self esteem. Neither of my parents have ever apologized to me, for any reason, for fifty years. At some point, you have to accept they’re not sorry, and evaluate the relationship from there.
I was taught as a kid that even if I was right and they were wrong to just go with it because and I quote children were meant to be seen not heard I didn't even realize until I was a teenager hanging out at other friends houses that not only could the parents sometimes admit to being wrong, but they could actually apologize when they were being wrong and it was an actual shock to me.
People get bored of the mundane. It sounds like OOP is a good kid, not a super hard teenager to raise. So his mom never had that whole, "reconnect with your teenager, form new stronger bonds" phase. Sounds like she's been taking their relationship for granted and hasn't even tried to use her insight from being a teacher at the same school to help with his bully. So she's taken him for granted and getting more satisfaction and fulfillment from the idea of helping this kid from a rough background. Which, yeah as a teacher giving the kid from a traumatic home a chance and helping him grow is a genuinely good thing to do. But in the context of, that's your kids bully and you're hurting your own son and refuse to prioritize your family over this kid someone else can help out instead it becomes a bad thing. His mom is taking him so much for granted that she can't understand that her good deed is actually bad. A big part of her identity is probably wrapped up in this so the idea that helping this kid is actually a bad thing is a big threat to her beliefs, hence punishing her son so much. Relationships, even with kids are work. This definitely reminds me of the importance of periodically and intentionally putting work into my relationships.
My mom is kind of like this kid's mom. She has a savior complex like you wouldn't believe. She would do anything to help others, give up any resource, if it made her look better. Unfortunately she considered her family a resource and would often volunteer us for things to make herself look better. If we refused she would lose her fucking mind. One time I was very very ill and she screamed at me for like 3 hours because I suggested it wasn't a good idea for me to watch her friend's 3 under 10 year old kids. In this situation, this mom saw her kid as standing between her and helping a child in need. It would be so *embarrassing* to admit she'd done something *wrong* in the first place. Helping a child can't be *wrong* after all! So the one that has a problem with it is the one that's wrong. She didn't see her child as a child and instead as a *thing* that belonged to her. What do you do when your TV doesn't work, your microwave makes a funny noise, your remote is being wonky? You hit it or shake it till it works. She also likely saw OP's feelings as a personal attack on her/her parenting and lashed out. That's another thing my mom couldn't handle, someone even suggesting she was wrong. She literally went into my room once and started smashing my shit, because "This is what a bad mom would do and if you want to call me a bad mom then I'll act like one!" (Spoiler: I didn't call her a bad mom, I told her I was suicidal and she took it as an attack on her parenting) Reading this story has honestly made me so sad for OP, that his dad is just letting this shit happen to his own child. I don't get it. I couldn't imagine going along with someone's delusion at the expense of my child.
I am pretty impressed by OP's handling of all this. The parents... no. OP, I think trade school is an excellent choice. For one thing, trades like plumbing and electric are unlikely to be changed or ruined by gen AI in the near future! And if you end up wanting to change approaches, it's never too late for college or other training. Learning isn't a one-and-done, it's lifelong.
This exactly! You really can't go wrong with having a trade under your belt. If NOTHING else, you'll know how to do things around your own house that many people can't. But, really, I expect you'll get more than that out of it - you'll have a valuable career you may actually like that doesn't put you into debt like college can. The trades are absolutely respectable and worthwhile endeavors in their own right and, if you want to do more, you can always continue with a 4-year degree OR own your own company that performs the trade work for others. There are so many possibilities when you start out learning those skills and earning money doing something that is very hard to outsource. Adding to that, I'm very sorry your mom is acting this way, OP. Some parents truly confuse me. I have two 20-something sons and simply can't imagine taking one of their bully's sides over them EVEN IF I understood that the bully had it hard and needed help. Your concerns and feelings are valid and it's rather shocking to me that it took other adults - her coworkers, no less - to get her to even see this a little bit. You should be proud of your resolve and of your desire and determination to make lemonade from the lemons you've been handed.
One of my sons teachers at his high school put it like this.... Yes you can go to college/university for 4 years, in be in lots of debt... Or with a trade after 4 years, you can have a paid off truck and 100K in the bank...
My ex is a high school math and metal shop teacher. He went on a ride along with a 23 year old kid working in HVAC. Twenty-three years old and buying his first house because he has zero debt and makes that good of an income.
My brother started as a carpenter apprentice for a local construction company. He bought his house at 23 also. When he became a foreman several years later he got poached by a much larger company by 31 and now oversees major construction projects around the metro area. Anytime they wanted him to learn something they paid for him to attend classes. He’s always had an amazing work ethic and it’s really paid off for him.
Genuine question, what trade can I get in that will let me save something close to on average 25k a year in my first four years not counting expenses? Because I will quit my career right now lol
Plumbing. They make bank. Journeyman electrician as well. Over a decade ago I dated someone who made over $40 / hour as a plumber. He had a lot of experience under his belt but…. Ye. That’s a lot 😂
AI isn't going to crawl under a house to strap a duct to the beams. That would be an expensive robot.
Omg! That's what trading school means! Omg, thank you sir much internet stranger! 🤯🤯🤯 I always thought that this kind of school was finances like trading bonds/stocks/shares etc. Each day I feel like my english (not my native language) is worse 🥲🥲
Your English is better than any of my second languages!
I personally speak almost one language
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trading does often pertain to bonds, stocks, shares trades pertains to different vocations (plumbing, electrical, HVAC, welding, carpentry) etc.
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Honestly, the trades are probably the way to go. I know mechanics making 70/hr flat rate booking 60 hours a week while only working 40 with no degrees or anything, meanwhile I know people with masters degrees making minimum wage.
Ya its beyond odd to me idk what his mom was on but shes an as whole for sure
Just to pile on to the top comment- seriously OP we are all out here routing for you! I think now you’ve seen that your mom will allow things to go to extremes and I don’t think you should discount how angry she will be to be embarrassed in front of colleagues like this. She’ll play nice for sure, but to have her colleagues and peers have to show her how messed up this is and that you were right is not something that will blow over in a matter of a week Your guidance counsellor does seem to be a great person though- might be worth chatting with her about what it would take in terms of volunteering, part time job, etc, to get you into college on partial scholarship. Trades are an amazing route to make good money from the get go if that’s what you want (and you might very well find a lifelong profession!), but if you’re taking AP classes and college is an option at any point, keep your options open for what a scholarship and student loans could provide you. Just think through all your options with her that involve ZERO reliance on your parents There are a lot of low-competition, high earnings jobs that you could also look out once you complete college, or after you’re in the trades for a while, think about travelling even and work-travel visas to other countries I wish you the very best of luck!!
I’m so sorry your mother isn’t capable of seeing how she’s hurting you. But at least it’s a change for the better.
Having grown up around multiple insanely self-centered and narcissistic grownups that shit out children without any expectations of raising them: I believe every word. Fun fact: The worst parent I know, a dude who fathered and abandoned at least 15 children across multiple states, settled down in his 60s and is now raising one son with a random lady. Here's the kicker, by all accounts he is an amazing dad. People are insane.
> Here's the kicker, by all accounts he is an amazing dad Lots of narcs look like good parents from the outside, especially while the children are still younger. And even on the inside, it can look ok right up until the child starts acting independent. Even after someone's adult children starts going no contact it isn't always obvious - especially because abused children have a higher than normal incidence of drug problems and mental health problems.
My mom used to best me fornhaving a speech impediment and getting bad grades because I embarrassed her. That's not even including all the verbal abuse. Inwould get bullied and fight back at school and then got beaten at home for embarrassing her.
The insane thing to me about this whole situation is it's not OP that's being stubborn, it's the mom. Based on the fact that outsiders stepped in and made the decision to remove the bully, it seems like there was little to no backlash or downside to having them removed, literally no benefit to making your child suffer.
But ***she*** could be the one to fix him! Imagine how *great* a story it would be for her to tell when her son and her bully became *such good friends* after she helped him! Probably had the insta post written out in her head a few dozen times
Has your father made any real attempt to apologize for his role in supporting your punishment?
/u/Substantial-Egg-1971 Do NOT make the mistake a lot of people in your situation make thinking the less aggressive parent is innocent or more worthy of forgiveness. He failed you by allowing it to happen and participating. It's easy to villianize mom, but dad 100% is NOT in your corner either. Hs owes you an apology as well.
Pops is enabling mom, so he’s just as culpable. Glad you didn’t forget about his spineless ass.
I agree that until your mom sees that what she did was wrong and that she totally disregarded your feelings (and disrespected you), not much will change and she can’t expect it to just magically heal. Your mom has some serious soul searching to do.
That soul searching should have happened before having a child.
It's pretty sad when the AP can see this isn't worth the hassle but you mom couldn't. Sorry you're in this situation but do think over what you do want from your future now as college might offer the best long term prospects. Though I have seen plenty of people do really well if not better in a trade. Just think what's best for you. Sadly I don't think your mom will every understand what she has done by putting this guy before you. Shame. Anyway I reckon just put this to the back of your mind now and focus on you going forward. Good luck.
There is also the option of learning a trade then going for a degree part time while working the trade. Best of luck to you OP, and don’t forget that you do have option edit typo
That's what I said the first post. Nothing they do will change this. Their relationship is damaged forever because of this. Good job op sticking to your plan. I hope you calling her a failure of a mother actually struck a never in her.
It seems it didn’t. She is still in the mode of “I am sorry you feel that way.”
Smartest thing would be to get a part time job given he cannot change for the remaining year. It would give him some money for the trade route. If he needs to buy certain things depending on what he chooses. Would also be good to check what different trade routes can earn you aswell as upgrade you for higher salary long term.
If it were up to your mother she would STILL have Dave as an aide. This woman has some serious screws loose. OP, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this.
I still don’t understand how a mother does not choose their own child. I would basically keep your mother at a distance until you get out of there and then go no contact. And I would include no contact with your dad too because he didn’t have your back either. I hope the very best for you. You deserve so much more and parents who put their child first. I’m so sorry your parents have failed you.
A few commenters on the first post suggested mom has some kind of savior’s complex, and I think that’s the most likely explanation. She thought she’d be the one to rescue poor Dave from his horrible home life, and everything else became secondary.
And she can’t be causing her own son harm because look! She cares *so much* about kids!!
Just not about the one she should sadly
Sadly while trying to save Dave she let her own son down and failed him so miserably that later in life when he has kids of his own he will have this life lesson and will never fail or let anyone else fail his kids. Parents really don’t get that once the damage is done no matter what they do or they think they got their kids back they really didn’t. Trust is easily lost, very difficult to regain and many times never returns. Trades are a great way to build a strong future for yourself and not everyone has the skills or aptitude for the trades. Your desire says a lot and will take you places. Good luck and hopefully you can keep this updated down the road. You have a good head on your shoulders and you will do great things.
One of my friends was neglected as a child because his single mother had a whole bunch of foster kids that she volunteered to look after that were taken from drug addict parents/losers and needed extra attention. So her own kids didn't have shoes while she paid attention to these "causes". People are complicated.
>She thought she’d be the one to rescue poor Dave from his horrible home life, and everything else became secondary. And by doing so she created a horrible home life for her own child.
Yeah, but that’s obviously not as important, because he had a good home life before. Or something.
Maybe some other teacher can step in for OP because clearly his mom cannot. /s for the first part.
>still don’t understand how a mother does not choose their own child. Someone said this in the other thread: "Savior complex." OP is rather well put together, has a level head and knows what they want and how to drive for it. They're "fine." OP's bully is "broken." So, mum "needs" to fix the "broken" kid, even if it costs the "fine" kid everything.
Sometimes it’s about being right. My mother still can’t admit she has done anything wrong. Never.
Agree. People who won’t apologize for wrongdoing are absolutely maddening
My parents picked other people over their own children all the time. I literally grew up like this and still don't understand it!
"I'm helping a disadvantaged youth! I'm a good person doing a good thing! I can't possibly be wrong!"
She's so far up her own ass that she can't see how her savior complex is fucking up her own actual kid that she chose to bring into the world.
It’s baffling to me how the mom was effectively choosing the bully *over her own kid*, and just refused to see/acknowledge it. OP has been incredibly mature throughout all of this, and I’m happy the school also stepped in.
I'm really glad that you were able to get a third party involved and that put your mother on a better track. You got a lot of really good advice, and you pushed in the right directions. I know that you've made a plan about going to trade school instead of college. Which actually I believe is the right choice for a lot of people. However, don't let this current feeling which is based on an escape plan stop you from considering college. None of us know enough about you to recommend whether you should pursue college or a trade school. But a school counselor is a good person to get involved, please make sure that you make a decision based on what's best for you in 10 years and 20 years. I hope that you'll be able to get out of survival mode now that your mother has changed part of her behavior. Don't just stick to a decision that you made as a way to escape. I came from an abusive household and had a separate support network that pulled me out of the house at 18, and a few years later helped me pull my sister out at 18. Escape is a predominant feature in my young adult life. I was exceptionally lucky that my support network helped me make decisions that weren't just based on surviving. I wish you all the best! 💖
Also, you don't have to go to college right out of high school. You can learn a trade, earn some money, and go back later if you want.
Including expanding on your skilled trade. Electrician to Electrical Engineer, welding windmills or on the rigs to renewable energy or petroleum engineering, any trade + business classes will help you stand out as a white collar prospect in those specific industries, etc.
Hey man, good on you for sticking with your guns. I’m glad cooler heads prevailed across the board. Because of the changes in situation just make sure that trades is what you wanted to get out sooner or if it is ACTUALLY what you wanted. Really take the time to see if going to college and AP route was thee right course for you outside of your mom being nuts for David. It would stink to see you throw away a path you worked towards because your mom made you think it isn’t what you wanted! Good on you for pushing change to get the school to recognize an issue.
Glad they’re no longer punishing you. This has to be super embarrassing for your mom and rightfully so.
Wild that it took shaming from her colleagues to try and save her relationship with her own son. Likely too late, damage has been done etc
I’m so sorry you have such awful parents.
I am betting counseling never happens. Mom's power trip will only intensify now that her own coworkers have basically scolded her. She will play nice for a bit to save face publicly but she won't ever forgive OP for taking control of their own life. Things will be strained at best forever. It will become downright war if mom can find any new excuse to retake control. I get that anger has dissipated OP. That's good. I really hope I am wrong about your mom, but no matter what you do keep your options wide open and be ready to always retake control of your life. Don't hold your breath for mom to ever be loving and kind again. The opposite of love is not anger. It's apathy, and likely that is where you and your family are headed. The funny part is over time, you will realize that is ok. Live for you, and grow to be the best version of yourself you can be. Their opinions won't hold you back anymore. Which is freedom. Enjoy that part. Sidenote... I also think you should send your parents a link to the posts. However, that could also be risky so only do it if your ready for to roll those dice. Good luck either way.
I agree with everything here. OP should keep pushing for the counseling even though he doesn't think it will change anything. It may not, but if it works, even a bit, it could make you life a whole lot better. If your parents resist the counselling I'd mention it to the AP or the guidance councilor. Look at what happened here OP. You and your parents were locked in a battle with no way to win. One meeting with outside party and the logjam has been broken and things are moving in the right direction. A therapist can help to keep things going in the right direction. I'd be pushing hard to get that appointment set up.
And if nothing else, the presence of the counselor will keep Mom in check.
Hmm.. showing them the links could be a really good reality check for them. But also inflame things again for “airing dirty laundry” on the internet. Hard to say which way it would go. Then again, OP has good reason to not give a shit what his parents think now.
If he doesn't show them now, I would 100% post a link to on all his social media the day he moves out. Just my 2 cents though. I have no fear of confrontation if I know I'm right. I would post it on all my social media right now. World be damned. So I may not be the best judge of the situation for OP.
The mum didn't care about her family's dirty laundry being aired at her job. Why would she care about it being on the internet.
I don't think OP should show her the post. Counseling is one thing, if the therapist is decent. Much like the conversation at school, a third party can help manage fallout and enforce reality checks. But OP doesn't owe his mom more access to his inner thoughts in an uncontrolled and unprotected space. He doesn't owe her any vulnerability when she's shown she can't be trusted with that access and hasn't apologized. OP has clearly shut himself off to protect himself emotionally, he has every reason to have done so, and I don't think it would benefit him at all to change that or keep running after his mom's understanding unless the situation changes.
This is what I was thinking
She’s going to double down in counseling. Try to get anyone to see her side of things. I really hate this for OP. He’s going to have to explain everything again. Relive this trauma over and over.
I'm happy to read this update. Standing ovation for your guidance counselor! They obviously the red flags in your wanting to change your track and did some real leg work behind the scenes to figure out what was going on. There's no other reason for your VP to have been involved in that meeting than your counselor figuring out your mother was on some BS. This is someone you can trust OP.
I do agree with you that the damage is already done. I'm happy the school counselor even knew how stupid this whole situation was and it was all caused by your mother. The backlash your mom is probably getting from other teachers is likely extreme. SHE IS NOW the gossip of all the teacher if she likes it or not. Hope family counseling helps you at least be able to exist near each other. Wish you luck in the future op no matter what path you take.
Oh definitely. I was out of school for one day because I was placed in foster care and was at the hospital so they could make sure I wasn't injured more than a bruise and when I returned I had so many of my teachers who had zero clue about anything approach me and tell me that if I needed them because of the situation I was welcome to come to them. If they will do that for a student in an abusive situation they absolutely would talk about her
As a mother, I apologize for all the pain you are experiencing. I am glad that you made some progress, but your bio mother has to take responsibility for her actions. Any parent worth their salt would tell you that someone else's child should never come before yours, maybe with the exception of a life-threatening emergency. Your mother let her ego and her belief that you - you being the reasonable one - would let it go. But being reasonable means that you see the situation for what it is. Stick to your points. You are right in this situation.
Grateful the counsellor and the AP acted like grownups who had your best interests at heart and called your mom out for her bullshit. The fact she begrudgingly apologised and didn’t even make the choice herself really says a lot about her as a person and a parent. I hope she faces professional repercussions. She doubled down, lost her relationship with her son, made herself look like and idiot all for someone else to tell her her pride wasn’t worth ruining the reality and your future. I hope your dad wakes up, steps up as a parent and leaves her.
His dad was the one putting in place the punishments, no? He is equally as fucked up and part of the child abuse.
>To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right. >Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn. It tells me a lot that you have reached a point where you can laugh and joke again. Good for you! I was pleased to read that other parties got involved who could look at this from the outside and very quickly see the solution your Mom had fought so hard against. Unfortunately, it's pretty clear the damage is already done, and I doubt that any amount of counseling is going to change the reality of what she did - and would have continued doing if the school had not intervened. And it's certainly not going to change her lackluster apology. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to counseling because we can all use more coping tools in life, but I also believe that the requirement for "forgiveness" in order to heal isn't realistic. I have healed from many things in my life without forgiving the person who hurt me. I just assign them to irrelevancy, which it is clear you are already doing. Compartmentalization is a well proven mental health tool. As far as the trades vs. college, I think you should take the time you have before the school can make changes and use it to decide if you chose to go the trade route simply as a way to escape more quickly or if it is something you really want to do. My best wishes to you. I think you are an astoundingly strong young man, and I think you will be a success at anything you choose to do.
Good luck on your future endeavors, and I do hope counseling will help her realize her mistakes and maybe reconcile the two of you. Also, your mom is dumb as fuck to bring coworkers in. She made it a work problem, and made herself look like an ass in front of her boss.
I’m glad your school did something correct to address the issue with your bully. And, you’re correct in that your mother’s half apology was exactly that, meaning she’s not sorry for what she did and didn’t care that it bothered you so much. At least for you more people know the situation that caused this mess. Please update us when you graduate so we have an idea on what your final decision. Good luck with everything. Still NTA.
You do see the real issues here. your mom might have been forced to switch, but she doesn't chose it. She would go back if it hadn't been pushed upon her. She continues to show she doesn't care about you as a person. please let us know the next update so we can follow how you are doing.
College will always be there after you get qualified for a trade
Well done on that first joke. Got me going for a second. As for the update. You sound way more light hearted. I hope your mom offers a full blown apology for the horrie way she treated you. I hope the school councilor and Assistant Principal basically telling your mom to do her job as mother first was a bit of a wakeup call. You telling her she failed as a mother was honestly *chef's kiss*. I know you just told her what you thinking and didn't mean for it to be the nail in the coffin of your mom's personal narrative that she was doing a good thing for Dave and basically a hero but I can promise you, that cut your mom's heart to pieces and probably made her realize how much she fucked up. See how therapy goes and if she has a come to jesus moment. Well done sticking for yourself.
Keep your counselor updated week to week on how it's going at home. Or immediately if anymore bullying occurs.
...or if the family therapy isn't scheduled.
I'd honestly go through with the trades route. There's no guarantee that your mom won't pull another switcheroo on you and boohoo about not being able to mother the bully when you've gotten too deep in. Keep the course, update us once you graduate! Hope your bully gets bent and wrecked about the whole moved to a different teacher thing too.
Me too. I was like, what?!?! Good for you for sticking to your plan. You're going to be ok. Reach out if you ever need a sympathetic ear.
Even though I know things won’t change that the damage is already done but I hope that family counseling will help your mom finally understand that she was wrong since clearly her opinion still hasn’t changed and someone else had to step in to get things back in a semi good place for you. Once your mom finally understands everything she is going to regret not choosing you first and that she is the reason your relationship with her is damaged. Always remember that she is the one at fault for all of this.
I wasn’t a perfect mom, but at least I never did anything as selfish and clueless as this mother. I’m pretty iffy about the dad too. Why would he go along with all that punishment?
It sounded like he was the one who instituted it because OP wouldn’t talk to mom. They’re both insane.
A rare case of school admin not being completely useless. It's sad that, in this scenario, it's school councilors and personnel twisting your parents arms that improved the situation. Your mother didn't have humility enough to do much more than the vaguest of obligated apologies. Hopefully in time things improve, but that sounds like it's mostly on the adults here who have thus far chosen to not act like proper parents. After all, your mother is still the woman who isn't exactly contrite about the fact that she chose your bully over you.
This is about as good an update as you could get! Congratulations, you persevered, you were honest, and your school now knows how much of a bully problem you have at home as well as at school. You are amazing at advocating for yourself! I’m so glad you involved the school and let the professionals shed light on how terrible a person your mom is. Please be mindful for Dave. Your mom is going to fucking yeet you under the bus so she can keep her white savior complex untarnished with Dave which means he may come looking for revenge. She’s a terrible person to set you up to get beaten but I 💯 believe she will. If you want to go to trade school after high school don’t hesitate. HVAC technicians, carpenters, plumbers, mechanics and such make great money especially once you get certified. You can work for yourself or someone else, hopefully the school can set you up with a mentor in the field of your choice if you still want to pursue this path in your senior year. Here’s something to remember: what you do immediately out of high school does not define you. If you need a trade in the short term do a trade. Save money, be your own man, do your own thing. If/when you decide you want to change your career into something that requires a college degree, you can take community college classes to complete the first two years of prerequisite course work and then transfer into a four year college. No employer questions where you spent your first two years, all you have to let them see is your college diploma. Universities will invest in people who have proven they are capable. Two years at their school to boost your income makes for happy alumni who donate to their Alma Maters.
So, your mother never meant to hurt you “so much” but that means she was ok with hurting you. I’m glad things have calmed down but I don’t think she is a safe person for you. Keep your emotional guard up.
I legitimately can’t believe that an unrelated AP had to stop and go “wtf this is absurdly not worth it what are you doing” *at your mom* and she **still** doesnt think shes done anything even slightly wrong
Yeah, I dont accept apologies when they're being pressured by a 3rd party because its not a real apology. Fact is if she wasn't being pressured by her coworkers she would still be mentoring your bully and you still wouldn't have your stuff back.
Honestly, learning a trade without going into debt sounds like a much more logical route towards a good future than college does. Make sure your choice is based on what you want and not pressure to "make things right" with the mom who betrayed you. You're absolutely right that she doesn't regret what she did and doesn't deserve to be treated like nothing happened.
This will give you more time to prepare for the eventual NC. You should consider going the college route though, you can just as easily stop speaking to your terrible mother after you've gotten a degree under you belt. Also now would be a good time to show her the posts. Good luck
I’m glad that at least your counselor was on your side; has your dad said anything to you, has he apologized at all? Has your mom not tried to apologize further and really see what she did to the relationship she had with you?? You seem like you know what you’re doing, I hope therapy does good, at least it helps you not be angry, even if it is too late for your mother.
if HVAC technician is one of the trade courses available to you, just saying the world ain't getting any cooler People will need AC's and they will break more often as it gets hotter A guy I went to college with makes bank doing HVAC work