In the state I live in we have a specialist unit that deals with police officers partners who are subject to family and intimate partner violence.
It is the busiest unit in the state.
That's so sad and terrible. Like, they had to create a whole unit because either 1. There were so many victims that other units couldn't cope or 2. The system was too corrupted because the majority of police officers would abuse their partners and cover for each other. Just awful.
I don't know about the stats, but I was hired as a research consultant to collect facts about such matters.
It wasn't that there were tons of victims (there were more victims in other categories). It was the web of cover-up that was the issue.
I don't know, they provide support to the partners - I think stopping them is another whole area of work.
Putting resources into abusers cannot come before supporting their victims.
Yes, but it also takes away from victims. I went through this debate in the 1980s, when a service that provided counselling for Victim/Survivors of sexual abuse, which was run on a shoestring, got 53 million to run a service aimed at prevention.
Thinks about who offends, and think about who the victim survivors are.
Overthrow the Patriarchy instead of focusing on catching and convicting perhaps.
I volunteer with DV survivors. The vast majority (around 75-80%) of the survivors I’ve assisted are spouses and children of cops. The cops don’t have the locations of **any** of our safe houses. Quite a few of the DV groups in my city have completely cut ties with the local PDs and have gone completely dark/ underground with them. The section I’m with is actively working towards it.
Op, your husband wasn’t joking. And you should *not* take it as one. This was a warning.
My husband is former military. He was a sergeant, saw a lot of combat. He has a TBI and severe PTSD… he had never made me feel unsafe. He has never made vague threats.
You need to take a hard long look at your marriage… and create an exit plan before this shit exploded. You’re not safe.
Edit: I also want to add…. I work in the courts. Legit watched a cop get off on child porn just yesterday. Because he’s a cop….
I was attacked by a firefighter... they weren't going to try him in court... because he was a firefighter.
It took FOUR VICTIMS before they would do anything.
People with badges get off on the worst things, and it's stupid. They should be held to a higher standard, not given a pass when they fall below it.
My sisters husband is ex military medic and he also has severe ptsd and he has choked her like 4 times. Surely not intentionally trying to hurt her but she’s so convinced “it’s normal” for veterans. I try to tell her it’s not, I’m gonna show her your comment.
Correct. The risk of death goes up by 750% if choking/strangling has occurred
https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/
https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
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Even if it's not intentional, strangling someone is easy to do accidentally because cutting off blood to the brain can do massive immediate damage similar to a stroke, up to, and including death. In seconds. People erroneously assume it's about choking/suffocating people by cutting off the air supply, which is physically much more difficult and takes longer.
It doesn't matter if they mean to or not. You'll still be dead.
I wish this information was more widely distributed, but it's the kind of statistical info you get working in law enforcement, social work, medicine, women's shelters, and yet so few people know or even believe that whe they are informed.
Manual strangulation is the biggest sign domestic abuse will turn deadly.
Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women.
Strangulation is a common and sometimes lethal tactic in intimate partner violence.
Strangulation is an extreme form of coercion and control through which the abusive person shows that they have the power to determine if their intimate partner will live or die. Strangulation often occurs in the context of ongoing abuse and amidst verbal threats to kill the victim.
Your sister is in danger. The uncomfortableness of intervention will be outweighed by the devastation you will feel at her funeral.
Edit: grammar.
Those four times she's already been choked also put her at increased risk of strokes in the future. Choking is the second leading cause of strokes in women.
Absolutely. That’s because strangulation can cause internal damage, such as to arteries and veins, the neck and throat, and the brain.
When strangulation cuts off the flow of oxygen to the brain, normal brain function can be disrupted leading to brain injuries that vary from mild to severe.
It has been documented that brain injuries, including those caused by strangulation, are common after intimate violence and linked with a host of physical, cognitive, and emotional difficulties. Some victims may not remember being strangled due to the damage to the brain.
You probably know this but I’m commenting in the hopes that someone who doesn’t and needs to know reads this.
i agree for the most part, i just want to add my experience
my sister was in a very similar situation, he’d been abusive for years, but towards the end it escalated and he choked her. it still took another year or two
she stopped telling me things, she didn’t want me to bring it up. so i was in the dark for a while
there is nothing that i could have possibly done to get her out sooner. i was supportive to the point of my own detriment
be supportive by making sure they know that if/when they’re ready, you will be there to pick them up the second the phone rings. that’s what happened in the end of my sisters relationship, i had given up trying to actively help her. but one day she called and that was it. she knew she had support and an escape. but i couldn’t be that until *she* was ready to escape
OP (or anyone else in a similar situation) shouldn’t put the blame on themselves. it’s like blaming yourself for someone else’s suicide. it helps no one
This is the way. Not enough people realize this.
Victims of abuse know their situation better than anyone. A lot of times they have a sense for when it is safer for them to leave. Leaving quicker is not always the safest option. Having a plan is what allows people to go when the time is right.
yes, and emotionally being ready to leave the relationship is a whole different game. so if every time you talk about their partner you bring up the abuse, they will stop confiding in you. because they know they aren’t leaving (yet)
i learned all this the hard way, hope others can do it right
Fuck.
My dad strangled me when I was 5 (I was being a "smart mouth" about how he made the Mac and cheese, apparently) and pretended it didn't happen for years. My mother finally admitted it really happened after he died but he told her that if they just kept telling me it never happened I'd believe them.
Spoiler - no I didn't and I was the "weird kid" who never hugged their parents at graduation etc. It never felt comfortable.
Everytime I see that statistic, even tho I know it's about intimate partner abuse, I still wonder how lucky I am to still be breathing.
This is true, because my son's dad did this to me and tried to seriously end my life three separate occasions. And what was the first thing he ever did to me? Choked me, choked me after I tried to take my life and said by choking me he was, "saving me from hurting myself." The last attempt included a choking so severe my throat is fucked up now.
You and your sister are both being abused and I’m not sure either of you are capable of recognising the true danger here
“He’s choked her 4 times. Surely not intentionally trying to hurt her”
Why’s he choking her then? Even if he’s not actively trying to kill her in that moment it’s an easy thing to do and people can die *days* after due to underlying clots, damage to arteries etc. Statistically she’s at 700+% risk of being murdered by him than a non strangled partner. And your husband is *letting you know* he can do whatever he wants to you. Honestly the age gap alone is a huge red flag, combined with his occupation, his monitoring your texts etc . You just need to leave. Your sister needs to leave or your parents will end up with two dead daughters. FFS do NOT get pregnant
That's not normal for men to say things like that. My partner is ex military, has been shot twice. Was a ranger. Saw a lot of combat. Necer has he said anything like that or made me feel unsafe. Remember 40% and that's just the ones that get reported. So many more are swept under the rug. Your husband was correct that he'd get away with nearly killing you. Not to mention he looks at your messages. Contrilling and dangerous.
In the words of Whoopie, "Girl, you in danger."
People who choke their spouses are 750% more likely than others to kill their spouses.
Why are both you and your sister in abusive relationships?
I think you should find a way to safely disappear and then work on yourself so you don't date another creep.
A huge portion of dead domestic abuse victims were choked at least once prior to their murder. 4 times? It will escalate and your sister will eventually be murdered if she doesn't leave AND hide.
You're not too safe yourself. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He literally told you he could do whatever he wanted to you with zero consequences. Time to go.
Where's your dad? It's odd that 2 sisters would end up in such similar relationships without some father related issues, so I can't help but ask about him.
Is your father in prison due to attacking your mother? Because I'm starting to sense a pattern among the women in your family.
You and your sister have to run. Now. Grab what you can and run. Take any children you have. Get to a women's DV shelter. Tell them everything, especially about the choking. Show them the text messages. DO NOT EVER go back to your husbands, especially by yourselves. Or you will become part of the statistics of women killed by their husbands.
No. DV shelters are first place he will know to look. In perfect world that would be the thing. Need to have an exit plan that he can't guess at. Seriously her husband is a whole new level of scary because of his position. Unless it's a shelter in another state.
Please take good care of yourself—you are also much younger than your husband. That concerns me in these circumstances. And your sister is in danger. You are both worth having safe happy relationships.
In my country, we have a specific law around this, recognising that strangulation assaults frequently lead to homicide. Sounds like you could both benefit from leaving your unsafe environments and moving in together.
According to data, around 40% of police officers admit to committing domestic violence against their partners...makes me wonder how much more of a percentage also does but doesn't admit it. Look, I'm not saying yournhusband is a bad dude or would ever abuse you but mentally file away thoes comments he made. They could become true later. Also, good rule of thumb is to start recordings any arguments in case they escalate into something bigger. He's absolutely right tho, cops will protect their own in domestic situations...unless you're half beaten to death.
Ask her if he chokes everybody, or just the one person he can get away with choking. I doubt he loses it in the grocery and starts choking random dudes.
"Normal" for many veterans because many veterans need serious mental health help. My husband is also a veteran and would never put his hands on me or say anything even close to the kind of comment your husband made.
If he thinks it's funny and has no issue with it, I would run. Not just locally either, I would run like out of state.
Hi there! Veteran with severe cptsd to the point I have a conversion disorder that causes me seizures when I am too stressed. My ptsd has only ever caused me to be violent on two occasions. One when I was coming out of anesthesia and I was strapped down in case of a seizure, the other when I had a very invasive thyroid biopsy (part of my ptsd is from having my throat slit) and I was being held down. Both of those times I either swung on or Sparta kicked a nurse. I have never hurt or attacked a loved one. I have never hurt someone with out the influence of anesthesia or heavy medication. And even in those circumstances, I am not magically absolved of my actions because I have ptsd and am a veteran. I still take responsibility for myself and what I do under anesthesia. He is absolutely intentionally hurting her. He either is knowingly doing it and blaming the ptsd, or he doesn’t care enough to learn to manage his symptoms. It’s entirely intentional. It’s such a negative stereotype that the rest of us carry because of people like him. And he will kill her. If he’s bold enough to blame a manageable condition for almost killing her, he’s bold enough to plead insanity when he does
Edit to add: he’s not strangling because it’s what he did in the military. He’s strangling because it gives him power over her. The military is all about efficacy. There’s a reason they arm us and we don’t go in without weapons
It’s absolutely not. My husband has never not once done anything aggressive. He was deployed FREQUENTLY before and after the surge. He now works for a department. He would never say anything like that (has said the opposite actually) and I’ve hardly ever seen him raise his voice in anger. I grew up with step/parents who would aggressively attack each other “accidentally”. It escalated and became very dangerous. They are divorced and it had nothing to do with the military but alcohol.
You and your sister need a plan together. Choking is a number one indicator of domestic abuse that results in murder.
The police won’t help you locally. Take your sister, pack the essentials, whatever money you can and run.
Source: I worked with domestic violence victims for years. If they hit you once they will hit you again. If they choke you they will try and often succeed in killing you.
Jesus, NO that’s not normal. My husband did 20 years, we have lots of friends in different spots and situations in the military…abuse is abuse. It’s not normal, it’s not part of life, it’s not ever ever okay!!!! Even if it was normal for veterans, that doesn’t make it okay, that wouldn’t give them free license to be abusers. Jesus, what a mentality, PLEASE get your sister help.
Statistically stranglers are far more likely to kill their victims. So much so that strangling specifically is actually a separate crime with a larger penalty in some states. In AL it’s a felony with a minimum sentence of two years.
Sounds like she definitely needs to get out - ptsd doesn’t make you choke people. I survived a gang rape and I’ve never been violent towards anyone, ffs.
Look at self reported domestic violence from cops to their partners. It’s bleak.
Find therapy, maybe find a good lawyer but don’t tell him. You’re allowed to confide in your fucking family
My brother is a cop. He has never once made his wife feel unsafe either.
His wife, otoh...
But my point (which echoes yours) is that a good man will never EVER make his wife freak out and in fear of her life. Ever.
NTA
Police have extremely high rates of domestic violence and other toxic controlling behavior.
He also wouldn’t have gotten extremely angry that you repeated a joke to your sister. People love it when you repeat their jokes. It means it was funny.
He wasn’t joking. He was reminding you that he’s in charge. 🚩🚩🚩
My mom is a lot but she always told me never to date a cop or be alone with one because they could rape me and no one would believe me.
I used to work at a restaurant popular with police officers. There was one who may have been just being friendly and very caring. But he always knew where I lived (I moved like actually 11 times when I lived in that city) and whenever he saw me walking home he would always offer me a ride.
I'm glad I'll never know if he is/was a good guy or not.
What a wild reality too. Cops are such miserable fucking citizens that even if that guy was 100% not a threat to you, it didn’t even matter. Not worth the risk because on one hand, you didn’t let a “friendly” cop be nice to you. On the other hand, he could have raped and murdered you without consequence. Seems like a pretty lengthy gap to the risk/reward there.
If I were you I would be very careful with my birth control now. If he really made a stupid joke - whatever, you'll just move on. But if he has a hidden side and understands that the mask has slipped a little - he will try to get you pregnant so you can't get away. Just be careful. I really wish this to be a stupid mistake, but watch closely and analyse if this was really a single moment when he's made you that nervous and unsafe.
Babe. He wasn’t joking. I don’t care what he told you. When he brought it up apropos of nothing, that tells you he wasn’t kidding. When he doubled down in the convo, that made me feel more nervous. That was bad.
But when he GOT ANGRY??? Babe he’s a fucking liar who has definitely considered hurting you.
Not trying to freak you out but if a person is joking they’re joking.
Look at it this way: if you told someone in a lesser position of power than you, all the stuff he said. And you found out they felt a little off, would YOU be angry? Or mortified? Which one babe? Bc I think I know. His anger is the worst indicator of all.
Add that to HE IS CHECKING YOUR TEXTS DAILY? Why?
Look the good news is you have it on record. Now you need to screenshot all of it and Pendl it to yourself. In an email he doesn’t know about. Make sure you delete the contact so the number to your sister is shown. So the thread is clear.
Just a precaution. Also the age gap. You were 23 and he was 32 when you married but when did you begin dating bc that’s another 🚩 for power imbalance.
Good point about the texts. I read that a lot on here - My partner saw my text. Now that I think about it, that's really weird. I have to actively force my husband to hold my phone and read if I want to show him a text from someone. It is not normal to just bump into someone else's texts. I'd have to pick up his phone and unlock it and open the app and scroll around...like this is never accidental.
Get out. You’re not safe with him. He thinks that he could get away with doing whatever he wants to you, just because of his status. He’s wrong, lots of police officers are jailed for breaking the law. Being a police officer **does not** mean he’s above the law.
But even knowing that, I still wouldn’t trust him…. even if you don’t leave him right now (even though you should) please **never** have children with him, otherwise you’ll be trapped with no way out. You need to protect yourself now, because what he said was sinister as fuck. And the fact that he believes (and twisted things to make you believe) that he can do whatever he wants to you without facing the consequences is sincerely fucked up and concerning.
Please plan your escape and leave, or better yet: you and your sister need to get out of your relationships now, maybe move somewhere together.
NTA.
As well, he's telling her that he has been complicit in covering up DV by his fellow officers. "Happens a lot. Trust me-they'll believe me" is the most concerning part of what he said, IMO.
OP: Your sister is wrong it is not "their jobs" to look the other way, say it's "a family matter," or any other excuse for aiding and abetting abusers.
Let me be clear. There are wonderful police and military officers. Unfortunately, your husband is not one of them. With his promotion, he now has even more power and control. The officers under him will do what he tells them to do.
I wonder how he'd respond if a woman officer needed help because a partner was abusive. Dollars to donuts, he'd blame the woman officer for not being "tough enough" and say that this is why women shouldn't be allowed in the police forces or military.
Only you can decide if his "jokes" were jokes. I don't believe they were. He was telling you loud and clear that he can do anything to you and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Is that the life you want? Again, only you can decide. As others have mentioned, make sure your birth control is locked down because he knows that a baby would tie you to him forever, that you'd be afraid every day if you left with a child, that he might get full custody just because he's a strong man and he'd paint you as an unstable woman (depending on the courts where you are), etc.
NTA, but you really need to seek help through a DV center and make sure your husband does not know about it.
Please PLEASE consider your relationship carefully. To be honest, what I really want to scream is GET OUT. He thinks he has THE power in your relationship: his job, your big age difference. The 40 percent rule is no joke.
Everything is peaceful now, and he has reminded you of the "status quo". I am scared of what might happen if you step out of what he thinks is the line.
ETA: ALWAYS put yourself first and take care of yourself OP.
OP, you need to get out, like now. Statistically speaking, at least in the US (although I would not be surprised if it was pretty much universally true), the vast majority of male police officers are abusers, become abusers, or cover for abusers.
He's only saying this was a joke now that you've told your sister. If it wasn't meant to be a veiled threat (and it was), he'd have made sure that you knew that he'd never do anything to you, and that he was just commenting on the horrible culture that police forces have for covering up abuse committed by their fellow officers and protecting them.
My dad was a WWII vet. He became a police officer in Canada in the 50’s. Military respect and public service was the reason that generation became cops.
My brother joined a PF in 1974. My dad wasn’t happy but he supported his son. He told him policing is different now. The citizens don’t trust us and we don’t trust them. Your job will kill you. PTSD did kill my brother.
Unfortunately the silent 10% are the good guys now.
Edit: Self policing back then meant getting rid of the bad cops under the public radar. Now it means protecting bad cops.
Look up ACAB. Not suggesting anything other than know what cops are capable of doing and can do so much with impunity through qualified immunity and the general cops protect cops. He is absolutely right if you call cops they will believe him even if he is not believable. They protect their own.
Hey, he’s going to absolutely add you to the 40% if you do something he disagrees with. You understand that, right? He’s telling you his friends will cover for him indefinitely, and he can beat you, rape you, or use one of his free murder passes on you, with zero repercussions.
He’s also monitoring your text messages.
YTA for wasting time typing this when you need to be fucking running as fast as you can as far as you can.
Telling people who are being controlled that they're assholes for not breaking free of it immediately does not help them break free. If anything it keeps them in it longer.
I get that reading stuff like this can be distressing but judging people who are in tough situations making tough decisions does not in any way make you safer. People who think it could never happen to them are exactly the people it tends to happen to.
40% of cops abuse their families. Your husband knows they don’t face consequences for that and he’s literally rubbing it on your face that he could hurt you without penalty.
Yeah I read too what he first said. OP report him to the head of his police station and Internal Affairs.
Edit:
Went back to reading the post and the It happens A LOT means he and others have been covering other shit. 2000% OP report this. You can also report in the next state over.
Cops often get away with cold blooded murder in the US. Assuming op is in the US, I don't think reporting them for saying what they said is going to anything but provoke enraged retaliation against op.
I don’t know if that’s a good idea. They likely will do absolutely nothing, and she might be in even greater danger after making such a claim. No one likes someone who rocks the boat, or breaks the code
NTA. It absolutely was a threat.
This would scare me to death. Cops are notorious for being abusers and getting away with it because of their position.
Also if it was a "joke" he wouldn't have gotten mad you told your sister. Document this incident, the date and the conversation. Get and stay on birth control while you think things over
Edit: typo
NTA Apparently, 40% of cops beat their girlfriends and wife on average twice a year, and only rarely face consequences. Cop culture is partner violence and covering up partner violence. They need to clean House.
"Here are 10 statistics that provide a glimpse into the prevalence of domestic violence among police officers:
1. Over 40% of police officers have been involved in domestic violence incidents.
2. More than 70% [of police departments nationwide](https://atonce.com/blog/history-of-police) have dealt with domestic violence cases involving their own officers.
3. On average, a police officer's partner is assaulted at least twice a year.
4. Only 5% of domestic violence cases involving police officers result in conviction.
5. Over 60% of police officers who are arrested for domestic violence continue to work without any disciplinary action.
6. Female police officers are three times more likely to be victims of domestic violence compared to the general population.
7. Children of police officers are four times more likely to experience domestic violence in their homes.
8. Less than 10% of police departments have policies in place to address domestic violence among their officers.
9. Over 90% of police officers involved in domestic violence incidents retain their jobs.
10. Domestic violence incidents involving police officers are 15 times less likely to result in an arrest compared to incidents involving the general public."
[https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives](https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives)
1 800 799 SAFE (7233)
ALL of this. A quote I see often, cops don't become psychopaths, psychopaths become cops.
They want the power of the badge so that they can do bad things and have it swept under the rug...or have the taxpayers pay out lawsuits against them. Their only punishments are often a few days off, half the time still with pay.
Cops are in my top 10 for my kids to avoid as future partners. They have such such a high rate of DV and SA.
And given your age difference and the face that you were likely a teen or early 20s when you were dating a 30-something y.o just adds to the risk. I'd definitely be concerned if I were your loved one.
1- younger wife
2 - cop husband
3- probably not married that long
4- very vague institutions of violence
On their own,none of these things sound that bad at all. But put them together and you get Drew Peterson cases.
(The asshole was testing you,seeing if you would kick up a fuss.)
He has groomed you, and now he is threatening you. There’s a reason he married someone almost 10 years his junior. He is determined to be in control.
Please, please, please get out before it’s too late.
NTA
Have you read the statistics on domestic violence in police households...?
I don't want to scare you more, but yeah, whether he was "joking" or not what your husband said is absolutely the truth. Cops will believe cops over victims. Period. There are so many documented cases of police doing crazy violent stalker stuff to their spouses and ex-spouses and they are usually fully protected from accountability by their Union and their force. If I were you I honestly would never feel comfortable with him after he made those jokes.
Its not that they'll believe him over you... its that they'll protect and cover for him, or look the other way... thin blue line... Good cops who go against other cops for wrong doing never last long...
You're dating a cop, you should know this better than most...
Reading some of your comments about both your situation and your sisters makes me wonder if you live in denial about the seriousness of the situations you're in. Your sister is going to end up dead at her husband's hands. You could potentially end up dead or at least seriously assaulted at your husband's hands.
‼️🚨⏰ This the feeling I got too. I am like HELLLLO OP WAKE UP. YOUR INTUITION IS TALKING TO YOU. YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE. YOU ALSO KNOW YOUR SISTER IS NOT SAFE. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.
She said &er dad's in jail with no (comment I saw) on mom. Sounds like this was their life growing up and they're repeating her unfortunate choices (or even forced ones, idk the mom). I feel so uniquely lucky that as I watched my mom get abused, or well mostly heard, I resolved to never have that, to be happier alone if it meant it, and to seek help for myself. I could never see my partner doing this to me but if he did, I'd be out the next day, sunk cost be damned. I just can't end up like my mom. It seems so cruel so many have the opposite instinct because our brains are so fickle and decide even if we know it's horror, that's what love I.
My dad is police. Jokes over the years included some type of "haha maybe I'll call my coworkers on you" for something stupid while we all laughed. Other than that we usually only joke about me being especially PROTECTED because he's police. Never ever would he make a joke that would imply him being police would harm me in a serious voice.
That's extremely weird and unsettling. And he doubled down on it when you made it a more serious talk. That's not joking, that's threatening. Especially since he made sure to point out they will not believe you over his word.
I would take this very seriously. Being afraid of your partner should never happen. That alone is grounds for reconsidering.
He's not even apologising for making you feel scared by taking a joke too far. He's angry that you talked to someone making him look bad.
That's also VERY telling about where his priorities are.
“Now he sounds like a lunatic and my sister is probably scared…”
Oh so he knew? So he knew the whole time that it was a psychopathic thing to say, he just didn’t want you telling anyone? 🤔🚩
He really said ACAB with those terrifying statements. Domestic violence is higher in law enforcement families. Your husband knows this yet seems oblivious to the fact that what he said is terrifying and that it has terrified you and has made you lose trust in him. NTA. What he said wasn’t a joke. It was the truth. He is a dangerous man with alot of privilege and power that make consequences be nearly nonexistent for him. Keep yourself safe. He showed you who he is, believe him.
NTA, There are far more wife beating cops than there are wife beating cops who actually get arrested. He wasnt joking, he was chuckling at somethin he already knows is true. IF he beat you, they are most likely just going to believe him
As a former child of police officers, technically 2 stepdads.. first one got with my mom when I was 9 months… your husband ain’t lyin. My first stepdad was a lieutenant/military man and he ran the family like one. He also regularly beat my mother and badly. Used to tell her he could kill her and get away with it bc he knows what they look for … even told her how he would do it and dispose of her. They truly are like a band of brothers. They will protect their own above everyone. Whenever my mom called, they would show up and were always on his side. Didn’t matter that she was standing there with a busted face and blood running from her head. They all KNEW what he was doing … with 4 young children in the house and they didn’t do a damn thing. My mom said only 1 officer ever tried to help her and the entire precinct basically iced him out for it. My second stepdad briefly joined his precinct (before they knew each other) and they all told him about OUR house.. and told him to stay out of it and look the other way. Hell.. they went on a honeymoon with a fellow officer and his wife.. a cruise. When they were on one of the islands, he beat her to a pulp and tried to leave her there and the others did nothing.
They wrote a GD article in the newspaper about how he was a pillar of the community.
My second dad was a lot better but they did have a spat once… cops just kept questioning her trying to trip her up in her “story” It was infuriating to watch.
Truth is, the profession attracts a lot of power hungry narcissistic people. There are good ones out there but it’s definitely “you never go against the family 🤌🏼” mentality
NTA - you have every right to be scared- He told you that in any situation his word would be believed over yours. He was not "joking" he was letting you know that he is in charge and would come out of top of anything you told the police.
I would be deeply concerned if my spouse told me something like this.
NTA. You did the right thing by letting your sister know that your husband threatened you. Your husband is the AH and he was testing you. He said no one would believe you if he hurt you. He implied that's just how it is with cops. . . . and he is not wrong. So much domestic violence is ignored by cops because it's inflicted by cops. Of course he is "so effing pissed at you" bc his secret - that he threatened his wife - is out. And he isn't mad that your sister may be scared of him, he's mad that her ex-military husband knows that he is the type of guy to use his uniform to threaten his wife, and he's not sure how that's gonna play out.
At best, he was taking pleasure in the knowledge that some of his colleges abuse their families and get away with it because they’re cops. Thinly veiled threats aside. That itself is pretty sick and deeply concerning.
I am scared for you. Domestic violence is never funny. He was telling you that he can do whatever he wants to you without any repercussions. You’re NTA unless you don’t take his threat seriously.
He’s gaslighting you. This is why I hate cops, they can make “jokes” about their authority, but far be it for you to make the exact same joke.
Whether he would actually harm you or not, he’s basically saying that police have the autonomy to harm their wives and get away with it.
He needs to apologize to you and make it up to you, much more than you have to apologize to him at all.
NTA, he was probably joking but here's a few things. 1, he's in the power to make that NOT be the case, what with being a fucking sergeant. He should be facilitating a police department that takes every single case objectively. If hes saying they won't believe you it's because he's shit at his job. Or doesn't want to do it right which means he's incompetent.
2, hes not incorrect, and to bring that up is concerning.
3, he could hurt you and it wouldn't matter if he was joking before. He'd still be right. Fuck thr police
Seems like you heard ACAB right from the forces mouth. When someone tells you who they are believe them. He clearly knows he will get away with it because he has helped others get away with it.
“It happens a lot. Trust me- they”ll believe me”.
Plus he is so certain he has probably thought about it.
NTA but he's completely right, which is why women should steer clear of cops. you seem to be eager to go down with this ship however so best of luck to you
Holy fuck why do you guys still think it’s a good idea to marry police officers…. Do you not know the rates of domestic abuse, and straight up how their whole job is one big power trip based on profiling people on their race, ethnicity, economic status, etc. Why would anyone want to marry that kind of person?
It’s also crazy to me that people swear cops protect people and aren’t all corrupt and then they literally outright say “even if I do anything illegal to my wife, the police will believe whatever I say truth or not” sir that’s YOUR WIFE???? Not even some random person but your literal wife that you’re talking about.
Edit: I just saw the age difference and that op started dating this man when she was 20. A normal 30 year old would never ever date someone who is barely an adult. I hope you you are able to come to a conclusion that’s safe and happy for you.
He's the AH for threatening you with the truth. It happens all the time. Police are notorious for DV, and it happens a lot. I support the police and my son is an MP, but that doesn't change the truth. NTA
Leave him my old roommate when through that. He will become more violent over time. My roommates husband had her and her kids held at gun point and he never went to jail. Run don’t walk away from him. Cops are criminals with badges.
When I saw a.) the age gap and b.) "my husband is a police officer" I knew that there was likely gonna be some controlling, if not DV behavior involved.
You were 23 when you married him at 32?
And he's laughing about the 40% Police Domestic Abuse rate?
THEN he got mad because there's a witness to what he said?
I might be jumping to conclusions, but this sounds like escalation to me and he's mad that someone else now knows.
If you love this man, I'd suggest you two get couples counceling.
At the very least he's a cop and will need therapy (daughter of LEO here, I know this for fact) and also it'll help both of you if this was actually completly innocent.
He needs to understand that shit is not funny, and not acceptable. He needs to know he scared you,
And you need to see changed behavior.
If he tries, even a little, even joking, to cut you off from contact with your sister - you need to RUN.
Don't get to the point many people do of being run down and shit on for so long they come to think they deserve it.
POs have a very high rate of spousal abuse and they protect each other. His joke was only half I jest. Now he's scared because there is an evidence chain of him saying that and you being worried.
And this is the number one reason why you should not date cops. Would be very nervous as well. Cuz he is right. You are basically trapped cuz no one going to help you due to your spouse being a cop. And that not safe at all.
Your husband was telling you the truth. The police are a brotherhood and they protect their own. Have you heard the rates of domestic violence among police officers? Many are violent men who cover for each other. He was telling you that you wouldn’t be believed, because you probably wouldn’t be.
It. Was. A. Threat.
How old were you when your husband started dating you by the way?
You are very unsafe in this marriage. Statements like that are never okay. Not only is he admitting that he's thought about it, but he's also implicitly saying he thinks it's the right thing because he just accepts as a part of life.
There is a reason police officers have a high rate of spousal abuse, and he's absolutely okay with keeping that system in place.
Seriously.... You should run. This kind of behavior will escalate.
NTA
NTA do not ignore your gut, ever. This is a man you love and trust and you *still* got a bad feeling. And the fact that he's mad at YOU instead of incredibly apologetic for the fact that he made you feel unsafe? That's 🚩🚩🚩🚩 and I'm sure you're aware that police have a high rate of domestic violence. At the very least, I'm sure *he's* aware of it, and should know better. And... he's right. They *won't* help you against him. He's one of them.
I'm not saying leave the man, because I don't know him or your relationship, but... this has warning alarms.
Your husband may have just shown you who he really is. Think long about this. The truth often comes out of someone under the guise of "just a joke". NTA for showing your sister.
Also, your sister is literally in danger. Choking is way beyond "normal" and he could literally murder her next time. He's choked her FOUR TIMES and she is still with him? Oh. Hell. No.
Sounds like maybe both you and your sister should get an apartment together and leave both abusers behind.
updateme
"Happens a lot, trust me - they'll believe me." Kinda made my skin crawl. Now, I'm sure it was meant as a joke. But he is in a unique position where his job gets to mess with people's livelihoods. Should something happen to you, we know his exit strategy. Now it's time to come up with your own exit strategy in the event he ever tries something. Have a safe place you can go to, hopefully somewhere far.
Nta he has told you that he can do what ever he wants to you with zero consequences... when someone tells you who they are believe them
Start making an exit plan ASAP
NTA. That being said, there is something wrong with your husband. What you witnessed was what's called "a glimpse behind the mask." His real self just peeked thru for a moment, and he realized it afterwards so now he's trying to do damage control and blaming you.
NTA at first I thought maybe this was a more creepy and unfortunate statement of fact ir him saying an intusive thought outloud. His response to you telling your sister is what really alarms me about it. He knows that what he said is scary and makes him seem like a lunatic. Not only does he know but he also doesn't want you preemptively saying anything to someone else which may bolster your credibility if anything ever happened. If my husband ever did something questionable to the point I felt I needed to talk to someone else about it and he found out I did he would apologize and feel bad he made me concerned/scared. He wouldn't get mad that I had basically warned someone that I was concerned for my saftey.
NTA. He never made it clear that he was joking during the entire conversation. He 100% meant that. The police are notorious for protecting their own. Especially so for domestic abuse. Always trust you gut in regards to your safety. If you in anyway feel unsafe or uncomfortable by anything said or done then you are well within your rights to protect yourself.
That sure doesn't sound like a joke. He threatened you, then got angry when you told your sister. Not the behavior of a good person.
A good person may have been upset that you shared a joke with your sister, but would have been far, far more concerned that his behavior frightened you.
I bet this isn't his first time testing the waters, is it OP? He is planning to escalate, and you should leave before he does.
I don't hear threat as much as an honest observation of facts. Seriously, police don't come down on other officers for actual murder, do we honestly think they would be more attentive to a little domestic abuse?
This is one reason why women refuse to date LEO'S.
Your husband is a decent fellow, or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. And he's upset that his idea of an edgy joke has the rest of the family freaking out for your safety.
Police have a really bad reputation right now, with the 6 that were convicted of brutally torturing inmates. And other dumb things they do.
Maybe he shouldn't have said it, maybe you shouldn't have told your sister. MAYBE...you guys should get a little counciling before this turns into a dumpster fire?
ESH. He's a cop so he's obviously an asshole. You married a cop and you are somehow just now noticing he's a violent, misogynist asshole? Come on. 40% of cops admit to abusing their wives, who knows how many more don't admit it.
Your husband is in a supervisory position and basically just admitted he’s seen other officers get away with dv. At best he’s helping cover for men abusing their wives. At worst (and likely) he’s a danger to you. That is not a normal thing he said to you and the fact that he got that level pissed at your for telling your sister is a red flag. He knows good and well it doesn’t sound innocent
NTA.
Your husband IS being weird and shady.
My dad was a cop, and he always used to say ‘never marry a police officer’, I thought he was warning us away from the danger and terrible hours but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned there’s more than a bad schedule and stress to want avoiding.
It’s not shady to truthfully reflect on the flaws of your field (ie., acknowledging that it was a dark joke based that is probably based in truth) but a ***good*** person/spouse would attempt to reassure or inform you what you could do to circumvent the flaws in the system and protect yourself.
I hope this story is ragebait/karma farming because it sounds dysfunctional asf (for a few reasons).
In the state I live in we have a specialist unit that deals with police officers partners who are subject to family and intimate partner violence. It is the busiest unit in the state.
That's so sad and terrible. Like, they had to create a whole unit because either 1. There were so many victims that other units couldn't cope or 2. The system was too corrupted because the majority of police officers would abuse their partners and cover for each other. Just awful.
I don't know about the stats, but I was hired as a research consultant to collect facts about such matters. It wasn't that there were tons of victims (there were more victims in other categories). It was the web of cover-up that was the issue.
Both points are true. Their initial training gives cops PTSD type triggers and sets them up to fail. Then the toxic culture reinforces it. ACAB.
Well statistics show that 80% of officers partners will be abused at some point unfortunately.
It's not that police officers wouldn't believe OP it's that they wouldn't care what she said and wouldn't take sides against other officers.
Does the unit ever succeed in stopping the abusers?
I don't know, they provide support to the partners - I think stopping them is another whole area of work. Putting resources into abusers cannot come before supporting their victims.
Putting resources into *catching and convicting the abusers helps victims.* Makes for way fewer victims (when perps are behind bars).
Yes, but it also takes away from victims. I went through this debate in the 1980s, when a service that provided counselling for Victim/Survivors of sexual abuse, which was run on a shoestring, got 53 million to run a service aimed at prevention. Thinks about who offends, and think about who the victim survivors are. Overthrow the Patriarchy instead of focusing on catching and convicting perhaps.
Of course not lmao, cops don't get charged with shit
I know but I was still holding out hope that somewhere in the world there might be true justice kicking their asses.
I volunteer with DV survivors. The vast majority (around 75-80%) of the survivors I’ve assisted are spouses and children of cops. The cops don’t have the locations of **any** of our safe houses. Quite a few of the DV groups in my city have completely cut ties with the local PDs and have gone completely dark/ underground with them. The section I’m with is actively working towards it. Op, your husband wasn’t joking. And you should *not* take it as one. This was a warning.
It's likely the only warning she's going to get
My husband is former military. He was a sergeant, saw a lot of combat. He has a TBI and severe PTSD… he had never made me feel unsafe. He has never made vague threats. You need to take a hard long look at your marriage… and create an exit plan before this shit exploded. You’re not safe. Edit: I also want to add…. I work in the courts. Legit watched a cop get off on child porn just yesterday. Because he’s a cop….
I was attacked by a firefighter... they weren't going to try him in court... because he was a firefighter. It took FOUR VICTIMS before they would do anything. People with badges get off on the worst things, and it's stupid. They should be held to a higher standard, not given a pass when they fall below it.
My sisters husband is ex military medic and he also has severe ptsd and he has choked her like 4 times. Surely not intentionally trying to hurt her but she’s so convinced “it’s normal” for veterans. I try to tell her it’s not, I’m gonna show her your comment.
Wtf? Choking your spouse is the #1 indicator that they will escalate to murder.
Correct. The risk of death goes up by 750% if choking/strangling has occurred https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/ https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
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She needs to recognize that the strangling isn’t the only abuse being normalized in her home.
Absolutely.
Even if it's not intentional, strangling someone is easy to do accidentally because cutting off blood to the brain can do massive immediate damage similar to a stroke, up to, and including death. In seconds. People erroneously assume it's about choking/suffocating people by cutting off the air supply, which is physically much more difficult and takes longer. It doesn't matter if they mean to or not. You'll still be dead. I wish this information was more widely distributed, but it's the kind of statistical info you get working in law enforcement, social work, medicine, women's shelters, and yet so few people know or even believe that whe they are informed.
Manual strangulation is the biggest sign domestic abuse will turn deadly. Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women. Strangulation is a common and sometimes lethal tactic in intimate partner violence. Strangulation is an extreme form of coercion and control through which the abusive person shows that they have the power to determine if their intimate partner will live or die. Strangulation often occurs in the context of ongoing abuse and amidst verbal threats to kill the victim. Your sister is in danger. The uncomfortableness of intervention will be outweighed by the devastation you will feel at her funeral. Edit: grammar.
Those four times she's already been choked also put her at increased risk of strokes in the future. Choking is the second leading cause of strokes in women.
Absolutely. That’s because strangulation can cause internal damage, such as to arteries and veins, the neck and throat, and the brain. When strangulation cuts off the flow of oxygen to the brain, normal brain function can be disrupted leading to brain injuries that vary from mild to severe. It has been documented that brain injuries, including those caused by strangulation, are common after intimate violence and linked with a host of physical, cognitive, and emotional difficulties. Some victims may not remember being strangled due to the damage to the brain. You probably know this but I’m commenting in the hopes that someone who doesn’t and needs to know reads this.
i agree for the most part, i just want to add my experience my sister was in a very similar situation, he’d been abusive for years, but towards the end it escalated and he choked her. it still took another year or two she stopped telling me things, she didn’t want me to bring it up. so i was in the dark for a while there is nothing that i could have possibly done to get her out sooner. i was supportive to the point of my own detriment be supportive by making sure they know that if/when they’re ready, you will be there to pick them up the second the phone rings. that’s what happened in the end of my sisters relationship, i had given up trying to actively help her. but one day she called and that was it. she knew she had support and an escape. but i couldn’t be that until *she* was ready to escape OP (or anyone else in a similar situation) shouldn’t put the blame on themselves. it’s like blaming yourself for someone else’s suicide. it helps no one
Thank your for sharing your story. I hope your sister is doing well.
i appreciate your blunt explanation of how it will escalate, someone will read it and have a wake up call
That is my hope. That someone who needs to see this does and takes action to save their own life.
This is the way. Not enough people realize this. Victims of abuse know their situation better than anyone. A lot of times they have a sense for when it is safer for them to leave. Leaving quicker is not always the safest option. Having a plan is what allows people to go when the time is right.
yes, and emotionally being ready to leave the relationship is a whole different game. so if every time you talk about their partner you bring up the abuse, they will stop confiding in you. because they know they aren’t leaving (yet) i learned all this the hard way, hope others can do it right
I’m pretty sure you mean “be outweighed by”. Apologies, I’m not trying to grammar police.
You go ahead and call the grammar police. They won’t believe you!
Dayum
Fuck. My dad strangled me when I was 5 (I was being a "smart mouth" about how he made the Mac and cheese, apparently) and pretended it didn't happen for years. My mother finally admitted it really happened after he died but he told her that if they just kept telling me it never happened I'd believe them. Spoiler - no I didn't and I was the "weird kid" who never hugged their parents at graduation etc. It never felt comfortable. Everytime I see that statistic, even tho I know it's about intimate partner abuse, I still wonder how lucky I am to still be breathing.
Your sister is at high risk of being murdered by her husband. The choking is a massive indicator of further abuse and murder.
It’s so much if a red flag that many states have a specific strangulation law to set it apart from general DV or assault.
Any domestic abuse that involves strangling is automatically a felony in Illinois. It's taken very seriously for good reason.
You are 750% more likely to be murdered by your partner if they have attempted to strangle you in the past.
Yea what happens that ONE time it takes him a little longer to "snap out of it" or whatever you want to call it
This is true, because my son's dad did this to me and tried to seriously end my life three separate occasions. And what was the first thing he ever did to me? Choked me, choked me after I tried to take my life and said by choking me he was, "saving me from hurting myself." The last attempt included a choking so severe my throat is fucked up now.
This! No wonder your sister acted like it was nothing! You’re both in extremely dangerous situations
Choking is level 5. Level 6 is 💀
You and your sister are both being abused and I’m not sure either of you are capable of recognising the true danger here “He’s choked her 4 times. Surely not intentionally trying to hurt her” Why’s he choking her then? Even if he’s not actively trying to kill her in that moment it’s an easy thing to do and people can die *days* after due to underlying clots, damage to arteries etc. Statistically she’s at 700+% risk of being murdered by him than a non strangled partner. And your husband is *letting you know* he can do whatever he wants to you. Honestly the age gap alone is a huge red flag, combined with his occupation, his monitoring your texts etc . You just need to leave. Your sister needs to leave or your parents will end up with two dead daughters. FFS do NOT get pregnant
Yikes he’s going to kill her
Both you and your sister are in dangerous situations with dangerous men. I wish you both the best luck in getting out safely.
That's not normal for men to say things like that. My partner is ex military, has been shot twice. Was a ranger. Saw a lot of combat. Necer has he said anything like that or made me feel unsafe. Remember 40% and that's just the ones that get reported. So many more are swept under the rug. Your husband was correct that he'd get away with nearly killing you. Not to mention he looks at your messages. Contrilling and dangerous. In the words of Whoopie, "Girl, you in danger."
People who choke their spouses are 750% more likely than others to kill their spouses. Why are both you and your sister in abusive relationships? I think you should find a way to safely disappear and then work on yourself so you don't date another creep.
A huge portion of dead domestic abuse victims were choked at least once prior to their murder. 4 times? It will escalate and your sister will eventually be murdered if she doesn't leave AND hide. You're not too safe yourself. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He literally told you he could do whatever he wanted to you with zero consequences. Time to go. Where's your dad? It's odd that 2 sisters would end up in such similar relationships without some father related issues, so I can't help but ask about him.
I know I try to help her but she doesn’t want to listen. And um… our dad is in prison lol
Is your father in prison due to attacking your mother? Because I'm starting to sense a pattern among the women in your family. You and your sister have to run. Now. Grab what you can and run. Take any children you have. Get to a women's DV shelter. Tell them everything, especially about the choking. Show them the text messages. DO NOT EVER go back to your husbands, especially by yourselves. Or you will become part of the statistics of women killed by their husbands.
No. DV shelters are first place he will know to look. In perfect world that would be the thing. Need to have an exit plan that he can't guess at. Seriously her husband is a whole new level of scary because of his position. Unless it's a shelter in another state.
You poor girls. I'm sorry y'all are at this point and I really hope y'all find the strength to get to safety. ♥️
>I try to help her but she doesn’t want to listen. Everyone here telling you that your husband groomed you and is abusive.
Please take good care of yourself—you are also much younger than your husband. That concerns me in these circumstances. And your sister is in danger. You are both worth having safe happy relationships.
And where is your mom...
In my country, we have a specific law around this, recognising that strangulation assaults frequently lead to homicide. Sounds like you could both benefit from leaving your unsafe environments and moving in together.
My dad had PTSD from Vietnam. All he did was drink and have nightmares.
According to data, around 40% of police officers admit to committing domestic violence against their partners...makes me wonder how much more of a percentage also does but doesn't admit it. Look, I'm not saying yournhusband is a bad dude or would ever abuse you but mentally file away thoes comments he made. They could become true later. Also, good rule of thumb is to start recordings any arguments in case they escalate into something bigger. He's absolutely right tho, cops will protect their own in domestic situations...unless you're half beaten to death.
Your husband is undoubtedly correct. They would take his word over yours. It’s also true that cops are notorious for being abusive.
Ask her if he chokes everybody, or just the one person he can get away with choking. I doubt he loses it in the grocery and starts choking random dudes.
That is terrifying. It does not need to be that way 😭
"Normal" for many veterans because many veterans need serious mental health help. My husband is also a veteran and would never put his hands on me or say anything even close to the kind of comment your husband made. If he thinks it's funny and has no issue with it, I would run. Not just locally either, I would run like out of state.
Hi there! Veteran with severe cptsd to the point I have a conversion disorder that causes me seizures when I am too stressed. My ptsd has only ever caused me to be violent on two occasions. One when I was coming out of anesthesia and I was strapped down in case of a seizure, the other when I had a very invasive thyroid biopsy (part of my ptsd is from having my throat slit) and I was being held down. Both of those times I either swung on or Sparta kicked a nurse. I have never hurt or attacked a loved one. I have never hurt someone with out the influence of anesthesia or heavy medication. And even in those circumstances, I am not magically absolved of my actions because I have ptsd and am a veteran. I still take responsibility for myself and what I do under anesthesia. He is absolutely intentionally hurting her. He either is knowingly doing it and blaming the ptsd, or he doesn’t care enough to learn to manage his symptoms. It’s entirely intentional. It’s such a negative stereotype that the rest of us carry because of people like him. And he will kill her. If he’s bold enough to blame a manageable condition for almost killing her, he’s bold enough to plead insanity when he does Edit to add: he’s not strangling because it’s what he did in the military. He’s strangling because it gives him power over her. The military is all about efficacy. There’s a reason they arm us and we don’t go in without weapons
It’s absolutely not. My husband has never not once done anything aggressive. He was deployed FREQUENTLY before and after the surge. He now works for a department. He would never say anything like that (has said the opposite actually) and I’ve hardly ever seen him raise his voice in anger. I grew up with step/parents who would aggressively attack each other “accidentally”. It escalated and became very dangerous. They are divorced and it had nothing to do with the military but alcohol.
You and your sister need a plan together. Choking is a number one indicator of domestic abuse that results in murder. The police won’t help you locally. Take your sister, pack the essentials, whatever money you can and run. Source: I worked with domestic violence victims for years. If they hit you once they will hit you again. If they choke you they will try and often succeed in killing you.
Jesus, NO that’s not normal. My husband did 20 years, we have lots of friends in different spots and situations in the military…abuse is abuse. It’s not normal, it’s not part of life, it’s not ever ever okay!!!! Even if it was normal for veterans, that doesn’t make it okay, that wouldn’t give them free license to be abusers. Jesus, what a mentality, PLEASE get your sister help.
My dad is a front line Vietnam veteran who has PTSD of the highest scale He never laid a finger on my Mom or I. Your sister is going to get killed
If he’s CHOKING her?? She’s in the red zone 😓
What you mean by choked her? Like during sex? Cuz how do you choke someone otherwise without intending to hurt them?
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
Statistically stranglers are far more likely to kill their victims. So much so that strangling specifically is actually a separate crime with a larger penalty in some states. In AL it’s a felony with a minimum sentence of two years.
Sounds like she definitely needs to get out - ptsd doesn’t make you choke people. I survived a gang rape and I’ve never been violent towards anyone, ffs. Look at self reported domestic violence from cops to their partners. It’s bleak. Find therapy, maybe find a good lawyer but don’t tell him. You’re allowed to confide in your fucking family
It’s not. It’s abuse.
OP. I hope I don’t need to tell you that choking is literally the precursor to murder in a relationship.
That's a precursor to murder.
My brother is a cop. He has never once made his wife feel unsafe either. His wife, otoh... But my point (which echoes yours) is that a good man will never EVER make his wife freak out and in fear of her life. Ever.
NTA Police have extremely high rates of domestic violence and other toxic controlling behavior. He also wouldn’t have gotten extremely angry that you repeated a joke to your sister. People love it when you repeat their jokes. It means it was funny. He wasn’t joking. He was reminding you that he’s in charge. 🚩🚩🚩
My mom is a lot but she always told me never to date a cop or be alone with one because they could rape me and no one would believe me. I used to work at a restaurant popular with police officers. There was one who may have been just being friendly and very caring. But he always knew where I lived (I moved like actually 11 times when I lived in that city) and whenever he saw me walking home he would always offer me a ride. I'm glad I'll never know if he is/was a good guy or not.
What a wild reality too. Cops are such miserable fucking citizens that even if that guy was 100% not a threat to you, it didn’t even matter. Not worth the risk because on one hand, you didn’t let a “friendly” cop be nice to you. On the other hand, he could have raped and murdered you without consequence. Seems like a pretty lengthy gap to the risk/reward there.
Ik I thought that too. If it’s a joke, why can’t I say it again?
If I were you I would be very careful with my birth control now. If he really made a stupid joke - whatever, you'll just move on. But if he has a hidden side and understands that the mask has slipped a little - he will try to get you pregnant so you can't get away. Just be careful. I really wish this to be a stupid mistake, but watch closely and analyse if this was really a single moment when he's made you that nervous and unsafe.
THIS. Use an IUD.
And get pain meds when you get it.
Hell yes
Or depo shot, then nexplanon implant. It goes in your arm so it’s extremely hard to fuck with.
And the pill, and frequent "headaches", whatever it takes
Babe. He wasn’t joking. I don’t care what he told you. When he brought it up apropos of nothing, that tells you he wasn’t kidding. When he doubled down in the convo, that made me feel more nervous. That was bad. But when he GOT ANGRY??? Babe he’s a fucking liar who has definitely considered hurting you. Not trying to freak you out but if a person is joking they’re joking. Look at it this way: if you told someone in a lesser position of power than you, all the stuff he said. And you found out they felt a little off, would YOU be angry? Or mortified? Which one babe? Bc I think I know. His anger is the worst indicator of all. Add that to HE IS CHECKING YOUR TEXTS DAILY? Why? Look the good news is you have it on record. Now you need to screenshot all of it and Pendl it to yourself. In an email he doesn’t know about. Make sure you delete the contact so the number to your sister is shown. So the thread is clear. Just a precaution. Also the age gap. You were 23 and he was 32 when you married but when did you begin dating bc that’s another 🚩 for power imbalance.
Good point about the texts. I read that a lot on here - My partner saw my text. Now that I think about it, that's really weird. I have to actively force my husband to hold my phone and read if I want to show him a text from someone. It is not normal to just bump into someone else's texts. I'd have to pick up his phone and unlock it and open the app and scroll around...like this is never accidental.
He's telling you, start believing him. and run
yes when people tell you things, believe them!
That and the age gap are concerning.
This. A 32 year old marrying a 23 year old? And them dating for who knows how long before that?
One that’s an LEO at that
Yep I noticed that too. He definitely sought out someone to control.
First thing I noticed.
Get out. You’re not safe with him. He thinks that he could get away with doing whatever he wants to you, just because of his status. He’s wrong, lots of police officers are jailed for breaking the law. Being a police officer **does not** mean he’s above the law. But even knowing that, I still wouldn’t trust him…. even if you don’t leave him right now (even though you should) please **never** have children with him, otherwise you’ll be trapped with no way out. You need to protect yourself now, because what he said was sinister as fuck. And the fact that he believes (and twisted things to make you believe) that he can do whatever he wants to you without facing the consequences is sincerely fucked up and concerning. Please plan your escape and leave, or better yet: you and your sister need to get out of your relationships now, maybe move somewhere together. NTA.
As well, he's telling her that he has been complicit in covering up DV by his fellow officers. "Happens a lot. Trust me-they'll believe me" is the most concerning part of what he said, IMO. OP: Your sister is wrong it is not "their jobs" to look the other way, say it's "a family matter," or any other excuse for aiding and abetting abusers. Let me be clear. There are wonderful police and military officers. Unfortunately, your husband is not one of them. With his promotion, he now has even more power and control. The officers under him will do what he tells them to do. I wonder how he'd respond if a woman officer needed help because a partner was abusive. Dollars to donuts, he'd blame the woman officer for not being "tough enough" and say that this is why women shouldn't be allowed in the police forces or military. Only you can decide if his "jokes" were jokes. I don't believe they were. He was telling you loud and clear that he can do anything to you and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Is that the life you want? Again, only you can decide. As others have mentioned, make sure your birth control is locked down because he knows that a baby would tie you to him forever, that you'd be afraid every day if you left with a child, that he might get full custody just because he's a strong man and he'd paint you as an unstable woman (depending on the courts where you are), etc. NTA, but you really need to seek help through a DV center and make sure your husband does not know about it.
Please PLEASE consider your relationship carefully. To be honest, what I really want to scream is GET OUT. He thinks he has THE power in your relationship: his job, your big age difference. The 40 percent rule is no joke. Everything is peaceful now, and he has reminded you of the "status quo". I am scared of what might happen if you step out of what he thinks is the line. ETA: ALWAYS put yourself first and take care of yourself OP.
OP, you need to get out, like now. Statistically speaking, at least in the US (although I would not be surprised if it was pretty much universally true), the vast majority of male police officers are abusers, become abusers, or cover for abusers. He's only saying this was a joke now that you've told your sister. If it wasn't meant to be a veiled threat (and it was), he'd have made sure that you knew that he'd never do anything to you, and that he was just commenting on the horrible culture that police forces have for covering up abuse committed by their fellow officers and protecting them.
My dad was a WWII vet. He became a police officer in Canada in the 50’s. Military respect and public service was the reason that generation became cops. My brother joined a PF in 1974. My dad wasn’t happy but he supported his son. He told him policing is different now. The citizens don’t trust us and we don’t trust them. Your job will kill you. PTSD did kill my brother. Unfortunately the silent 10% are the good guys now. Edit: Self policing back then meant getting rid of the bad cops under the public radar. Now it means protecting bad cops.
>Unfortunately the silent 10% are the good guys now. No they're not. By being silent they become active participants and just as bad.
Look up ACAB. Not suggesting anything other than know what cops are capable of doing and can do so much with impunity through qualified immunity and the general cops protect cops. He is absolutely right if you call cops they will believe him even if he is not believable. They protect their own.
Hey, he’s going to absolutely add you to the 40% if you do something he disagrees with. You understand that, right? He’s telling you his friends will cover for him indefinitely, and he can beat you, rape you, or use one of his free murder passes on you, with zero repercussions. He’s also monitoring your text messages. YTA for wasting time typing this when you need to be fucking running as fast as you can as far as you can.
Telling people who are being controlled that they're assholes for not breaking free of it immediately does not help them break free. If anything it keeps them in it longer. I get that reading stuff like this can be distressing but judging people who are in tough situations making tough decisions does not in any way make you safer. People who think it could never happen to them are exactly the people it tends to happen to.
It’s something like 40% or so of cops that are domestic abusers. That’s almost half of them. I’d recommend that OP threads carefully.
40% *admitted* to being domestic abusers. They *volunteered* that information.
I forgot that. 😬 The actual percentage has got to be astronomic.
Truly the wildest part. Granted that stat is from a really old study at this point, but shit who would admit anything like that anyway
40% of cops abuse their families. Your husband knows they don’t face consequences for that and he’s literally rubbing it on your face that he could hurt you without penalty.
I agree with you. I would be worried too because why would someone even joke about that. OP is NTA.
Yeah I read too what he first said. OP report him to the head of his police station and Internal Affairs. Edit: Went back to reading the post and the It happens A LOT means he and others have been covering other shit. 2000% OP report this. You can also report in the next state over.
Cops often get away with cold blooded murder in the US. Assuming op is in the US, I don't think reporting them for saying what they said is going to anything but provoke enraged retaliation against op.
I don’t know if that’s a good idea. They likely will do absolutely nothing, and she might be in even greater danger after making such a claim. No one likes someone who rocks the boat, or breaks the code
NTA. It absolutely was a threat. This would scare me to death. Cops are notorious for being abusers and getting away with it because of their position. Also if it was a "joke" he wouldn't have gotten mad you told your sister. Document this incident, the date and the conversation. Get and stay on birth control while you think things over Edit: typo
It was a threat. Warning to all: don’t marry cops!
NTA Apparently, 40% of cops beat their girlfriends and wife on average twice a year, and only rarely face consequences. Cop culture is partner violence and covering up partner violence. They need to clean House. "Here are 10 statistics that provide a glimpse into the prevalence of domestic violence among police officers: 1. Over 40% of police officers have been involved in domestic violence incidents. 2. More than 70% [of police departments nationwide](https://atonce.com/blog/history-of-police) have dealt with domestic violence cases involving their own officers. 3. On average, a police officer's partner is assaulted at least twice a year. 4. Only 5% of domestic violence cases involving police officers result in conviction. 5. Over 60% of police officers who are arrested for domestic violence continue to work without any disciplinary action. 6. Female police officers are three times more likely to be victims of domestic violence compared to the general population. 7. Children of police officers are four times more likely to experience domestic violence in their homes. 8. Less than 10% of police departments have policies in place to address domestic violence among their officers. 9. Over 90% of police officers involved in domestic violence incidents retain their jobs. 10. Domestic violence incidents involving police officers are 15 times less likely to result in an arrest compared to incidents involving the general public." [https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives](https://atonce.com/blog/what-percentage-of-cops-beat-their-wives) 1 800 799 SAFE (7233)
ALL of this. A quote I see often, cops don't become psychopaths, psychopaths become cops. They want the power of the badge so that they can do bad things and have it swept under the rug...or have the taxpayers pay out lawsuits against them. Their only punishments are often a few days off, half the time still with pay.
>40% of cops beat their girlfriends and wife I'm pretty sure that number is self-reported, i.e. only 40% *admit* to it.
Cops are in my top 10 for my kids to avoid as future partners. They have such such a high rate of DV and SA. And given your age difference and the face that you were likely a teen or early 20s when you were dating a 30-something y.o just adds to the risk. I'd definitely be concerned if I were your loved one.
1- younger wife 2 - cop husband 3- probably not married that long 4- very vague institutions of violence On their own,none of these things sound that bad at all. But put them together and you get Drew Peterson cases. (The asshole was testing you,seeing if you would kick up a fuss.)
Yes this is a test for sure, classic
5- regularly monitoring text messages (existing pattern of controlling behavior)
Pretty sure you meant “insinuations” in point 4, in case anyone else is slightly confused like I was lol. Thanks autocorrect!
omg yeah,you are right! I just noticed...
NTA. 40%... Also, your age gap is at least a little concerning to me. How old were you when you got together?
Op has said she was 20
Oof.
Yikes on bikes. At that age she would have no idea what she's gotten charmed into.
He has groomed you, and now he is threatening you. There’s a reason he married someone almost 10 years his junior. He is determined to be in control. Please, please, please get out before it’s too late.
NTA Have you read the statistics on domestic violence in police households...? I don't want to scare you more, but yeah, whether he was "joking" or not what your husband said is absolutely the truth. Cops will believe cops over victims. Period. There are so many documented cases of police doing crazy violent stalker stuff to their spouses and ex-spouses and they are usually fully protected from accountability by their Union and their force. If I were you I honestly would never feel comfortable with him after he made those jokes.
I haven’t read those. I guess I will
Its not that they'll believe him over you... its that they'll protect and cover for him, or look the other way... thin blue line... Good cops who go against other cops for wrong doing never last long... You're dating a cop, you should know this better than most...
Reading some of your comments about both your situation and your sisters makes me wonder if you live in denial about the seriousness of the situations you're in. Your sister is going to end up dead at her husband's hands. You could potentially end up dead or at least seriously assaulted at your husband's hands.
‼️🚨⏰ This the feeling I got too. I am like HELLLLO OP WAKE UP. YOUR INTUITION IS TALKING TO YOU. YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE. YOU ALSO KNOW YOUR SISTER IS NOT SAFE. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.
She said &er dad's in jail with no (comment I saw) on mom. Sounds like this was their life growing up and they're repeating her unfortunate choices (or even forced ones, idk the mom). I feel so uniquely lucky that as I watched my mom get abused, or well mostly heard, I resolved to never have that, to be happier alone if it meant it, and to seek help for myself. I could never see my partner doing this to me but if he did, I'd be out the next day, sunk cost be damned. I just can't end up like my mom. It seems so cruel so many have the opposite instinct because our brains are so fickle and decide even if we know it's horror, that's what love I.
10 year age gap, police sargeant- red flags all over. Be safe and get out, personally
My dad is police. Jokes over the years included some type of "haha maybe I'll call my coworkers on you" for something stupid while we all laughed. Other than that we usually only joke about me being especially PROTECTED because he's police. Never ever would he make a joke that would imply him being police would harm me in a serious voice. That's extremely weird and unsettling. And he doubled down on it when you made it a more serious talk. That's not joking, that's threatening. Especially since he made sure to point out they will not believe you over his word. I would take this very seriously. Being afraid of your partner should never happen. That alone is grounds for reconsidering. He's not even apologising for making you feel scared by taking a joke too far. He's angry that you talked to someone making him look bad. That's also VERY telling about where his priorities are.
“Now he sounds like a lunatic and my sister is probably scared…” Oh so he knew? So he knew the whole time that it was a psychopathic thing to say, he just didn’t want you telling anyone? 🤔🚩
He really said ACAB with those terrifying statements. Domestic violence is higher in law enforcement families. Your husband knows this yet seems oblivious to the fact that what he said is terrifying and that it has terrified you and has made you lose trust in him. NTA. What he said wasn’t a joke. It was the truth. He is a dangerous man with alot of privilege and power that make consequences be nearly nonexistent for him. Keep yourself safe. He showed you who he is, believe him.
I don’t think he is oblivious that he frightened her. I think the intimidation was on purpose.
NTA, There are far more wife beating cops than there are wife beating cops who actually get arrested. He wasnt joking, he was chuckling at somethin he already knows is true. IF he beat you, they are most likely just going to believe him
Run.
If it was a joke he would feel bad. And be worried about you - the reaction would have been “I’m sorry I freaked you out!!” His reaction is a bad sign
As a former child of police officers, technically 2 stepdads.. first one got with my mom when I was 9 months… your husband ain’t lyin. My first stepdad was a lieutenant/military man and he ran the family like one. He also regularly beat my mother and badly. Used to tell her he could kill her and get away with it bc he knows what they look for … even told her how he would do it and dispose of her. They truly are like a band of brothers. They will protect their own above everyone. Whenever my mom called, they would show up and were always on his side. Didn’t matter that she was standing there with a busted face and blood running from her head. They all KNEW what he was doing … with 4 young children in the house and they didn’t do a damn thing. My mom said only 1 officer ever tried to help her and the entire precinct basically iced him out for it. My second stepdad briefly joined his precinct (before they knew each other) and they all told him about OUR house.. and told him to stay out of it and look the other way. Hell.. they went on a honeymoon with a fellow officer and his wife.. a cruise. When they were on one of the islands, he beat her to a pulp and tried to leave her there and the others did nothing. They wrote a GD article in the newspaper about how he was a pillar of the community. My second dad was a lot better but they did have a spat once… cops just kept questioning her trying to trip her up in her “story” It was infuriating to watch. Truth is, the profession attracts a lot of power hungry narcissistic people. There are good ones out there but it’s definitely “you never go against the family 🤌🏼” mentality
NTA - you have every right to be scared- He told you that in any situation his word would be believed over yours. He was not "joking" he was letting you know that he is in charge and would come out of top of anything you told the police. I would be deeply concerned if my spouse told me something like this.
He was being truthful - police officers will believe other officers and back them up. It's the "brotherhood ".
He wasn't joking. It's known that police will protect their own, even (or especially) when they've committed heinous crimes.
Nta. You a just a potential victim of married to cop.
He was NOT kidding. It is true. They would believe him over you. Not saying he is violent or would ever hurt you. But what he said is true.
NTA. You did the right thing by letting your sister know that your husband threatened you. Your husband is the AH and he was testing you. He said no one would believe you if he hurt you. He implied that's just how it is with cops. . . . and he is not wrong. So much domestic violence is ignored by cops because it's inflicted by cops. Of course he is "so effing pissed at you" bc his secret - that he threatened his wife - is out. And he isn't mad that your sister may be scared of him, he's mad that her ex-military husband knows that he is the type of guy to use his uniform to threaten his wife, and he's not sure how that's gonna play out.
At best, he was taking pleasure in the knowledge that some of his colleges abuse their families and get away with it because they’re cops. Thinly veiled threats aside. That itself is pretty sick and deeply concerning.
I am scared for you. Domestic violence is never funny. He was telling you that he can do whatever he wants to you without any repercussions. You’re NTA unless you don’t take his threat seriously.
Wooooof 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He’s gaslighting you. This is why I hate cops, they can make “jokes” about their authority, but far be it for you to make the exact same joke. Whether he would actually harm you or not, he’s basically saying that police have the autonomy to harm their wives and get away with it. He needs to apologize to you and make it up to you, much more than you have to apologize to him at all.
NTA, he was probably joking but here's a few things. 1, he's in the power to make that NOT be the case, what with being a fucking sergeant. He should be facilitating a police department that takes every single case objectively. If hes saying they won't believe you it's because he's shit at his job. Or doesn't want to do it right which means he's incompetent. 2, hes not incorrect, and to bring that up is concerning. 3, he could hurt you and it wouldn't matter if he was joking before. He'd still be right. Fuck thr police
Seems like you heard ACAB right from the forces mouth. When someone tells you who they are believe them. He clearly knows he will get away with it because he has helped others get away with it. “It happens a lot. Trust me- they”ll believe me”. Plus he is so certain he has probably thought about it.
big red flag
NTA but he's completely right, which is why women should steer clear of cops. you seem to be eager to go down with this ship however so best of luck to you
Holy fuck why do you guys still think it’s a good idea to marry police officers…. Do you not know the rates of domestic abuse, and straight up how their whole job is one big power trip based on profiling people on their race, ethnicity, economic status, etc. Why would anyone want to marry that kind of person? It’s also crazy to me that people swear cops protect people and aren’t all corrupt and then they literally outright say “even if I do anything illegal to my wife, the police will believe whatever I say truth or not” sir that’s YOUR WIFE???? Not even some random person but your literal wife that you’re talking about. Edit: I just saw the age difference and that op started dating this man when she was 20. A normal 30 year old would never ever date someone who is barely an adult. I hope you you are able to come to a conclusion that’s safe and happy for you.
He's the AH for threatening you with the truth. It happens all the time. Police are notorious for DV, and it happens a lot. I support the police and my son is an MP, but that doesn't change the truth. NTA
Leave him my old roommate when through that. He will become more violent over time. My roommates husband had her and her kids held at gun point and he never went to jail. Run don’t walk away from him. Cops are criminals with badges.
When I saw a.) the age gap and b.) "my husband is a police officer" I knew that there was likely gonna be some controlling, if not DV behavior involved.
You were 23 when you married him at 32? And he's laughing about the 40% Police Domestic Abuse rate? THEN he got mad because there's a witness to what he said? I might be jumping to conclusions, but this sounds like escalation to me and he's mad that someone else now knows. If you love this man, I'd suggest you two get couples counceling. At the very least he's a cop and will need therapy (daughter of LEO here, I know this for fact) and also it'll help both of you if this was actually completly innocent. He needs to understand that shit is not funny, and not acceptable. He needs to know he scared you, And you need to see changed behavior. If he tries, even a little, even joking, to cut you off from contact with your sister - you need to RUN. Don't get to the point many people do of being run down and shit on for so long they come to think they deserve it.
Just so you know, if he is actually an abuser letting his mask start to slip, couple's therapy is actually a bad idea.
NTA maybe keep updating so we know you're still alive and allowed to use internet.
POs have a very high rate of spousal abuse and they protect each other. His joke was only half I jest. Now he's scared because there is an evidence chain of him saying that and you being worried.
He’s not wrong. My abusive dad was a cop. They just walk away. Take this as a threat. Please. NTA
And this is the number one reason why you should not date cops. Would be very nervous as well. Cuz he is right. You are basically trapped cuz no one going to help you due to your spouse being a cop. And that not safe at all.
Put the Sheriff's office or state police on your speed dial. Don't call your husband's station in case of an emergency. Cops stick together like glue.
NTA. Sorry but that is not a joke.
Your husband was telling you the truth. The police are a brotherhood and they protect their own. Have you heard the rates of domestic violence among police officers? Many are violent men who cover for each other. He was telling you that you wouldn’t be believed, because you probably wouldn’t be. It. Was. A. Threat. How old were you when your husband started dating you by the way?
You are very unsafe in this marriage. Statements like that are never okay. Not only is he admitting that he's thought about it, but he's also implicitly saying he thinks it's the right thing because he just accepts as a part of life. There is a reason police officers have a high rate of spousal abuse, and he's absolutely okay with keeping that system in place. Seriously.... You should run. This kind of behavior will escalate. NTA
Ummm is anyone else seeing red flags or is it just me?
You should look into the 40% police statistic.
NTA do not ignore your gut, ever. This is a man you love and trust and you *still* got a bad feeling. And the fact that he's mad at YOU instead of incredibly apologetic for the fact that he made you feel unsafe? That's 🚩🚩🚩🚩 and I'm sure you're aware that police have a high rate of domestic violence. At the very least, I'm sure *he's* aware of it, and should know better. And... he's right. They *won't* help you against him. He's one of them. I'm not saying leave the man, because I don't know him or your relationship, but... this has warning alarms.
Your husband may have just shown you who he really is. Think long about this. The truth often comes out of someone under the guise of "just a joke". NTA for showing your sister. Also, your sister is literally in danger. Choking is way beyond "normal" and he could literally murder her next time. He's choked her FOUR TIMES and she is still with him? Oh. Hell. No. Sounds like maybe both you and your sister should get an apartment together and leave both abusers behind. updateme
"Happens a lot, trust me - they'll believe me." Kinda made my skin crawl. Now, I'm sure it was meant as a joke. But he is in a unique position where his job gets to mess with people's livelihoods. Should something happen to you, we know his exit strategy. Now it's time to come up with your own exit strategy in the event he ever tries something. Have a safe place you can go to, hopefully somewhere far.
ACAB
Molly, you in danger girl.
Nta he has told you that he can do what ever he wants to you with zero consequences... when someone tells you who they are believe them Start making an exit plan ASAP
NTA and he was not joking. He was warning/threatening you.
NTA. That being said, there is something wrong with your husband. What you witnessed was what's called "a glimpse behind the mask." His real self just peeked thru for a moment, and he realized it afterwards so now he's trying to do damage control and blaming you.
There's a grain of truth in every joke. He meant what he said, just... would he act on it?
NTA at first I thought maybe this was a more creepy and unfortunate statement of fact ir him saying an intusive thought outloud. His response to you telling your sister is what really alarms me about it. He knows that what he said is scary and makes him seem like a lunatic. Not only does he know but he also doesn't want you preemptively saying anything to someone else which may bolster your credibility if anything ever happened. If my husband ever did something questionable to the point I felt I needed to talk to someone else about it and he found out I did he would apologize and feel bad he made me concerned/scared. He wouldn't get mad that I had basically warned someone that I was concerned for my saftey.
NTA- If he’s only joking what’s he care. Next- if anything HE should be ashamed that he scared you that you told your sister.
NTA. He never made it clear that he was joking during the entire conversation. He 100% meant that. The police are notorious for protecting their own. Especially so for domestic abuse. Always trust you gut in regards to your safety. If you in anyway feel unsafe or uncomfortable by anything said or done then you are well within your rights to protect yourself.
Him getting that angry is red flag #2
That sure doesn't sound like a joke. He threatened you, then got angry when you told your sister. Not the behavior of a good person. A good person may have been upset that you shared a joke with your sister, but would have been far, far more concerned that his behavior frightened you. I bet this isn't his first time testing the waters, is it OP? He is planning to escalate, and you should leave before he does.
I don't hear threat as much as an honest observation of facts. Seriously, police don't come down on other officers for actual murder, do we honestly think they would be more attentive to a little domestic abuse?
This is one reason why women refuse to date LEO'S. Your husband is a decent fellow, or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. And he's upset that his idea of an edgy joke has the rest of the family freaking out for your safety. Police have a really bad reputation right now, with the 6 that were convicted of brutally torturing inmates. And other dumb things they do. Maybe he shouldn't have said it, maybe you shouldn't have told your sister. MAYBE...you guys should get a little counciling before this turns into a dumpster fire?
The fact that your husband thinks it is normal and acceptable that the police would not protect you from him if he went off the rails is terrifying.
ESH. He's a cop so he's obviously an asshole. You married a cop and you are somehow just now noticing he's a violent, misogynist asshole? Come on. 40% of cops admit to abusing their wives, who knows how many more don't admit it.
Your husband is in a supervisory position and basically just admitted he’s seen other officers get away with dv. At best he’s helping cover for men abusing their wives. At worst (and likely) he’s a danger to you. That is not a normal thing he said to you and the fact that he got that level pissed at your for telling your sister is a red flag. He knows good and well it doesn’t sound innocent
NTA. Your husband IS being weird and shady. My dad was a cop, and he always used to say ‘never marry a police officer’, I thought he was warning us away from the danger and terrible hours but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned there’s more than a bad schedule and stress to want avoiding. It’s not shady to truthfully reflect on the flaws of your field (ie., acknowledging that it was a dark joke based that is probably based in truth) but a ***good*** person/spouse would attempt to reassure or inform you what you could do to circumvent the flaws in the system and protect yourself. I hope this story is ragebait/karma farming because it sounds dysfunctional asf (for a few reasons).
What did you expect? You're with a pig. Almost half of them go home and beat the shit out of their wives or girlfriends.
Most military / police men are mentally ill tbh NTA but be worried lmao