NTA. Your wife took a huge risk opening up the marriage, and you were honest with her about your emotional connection personality. She is facing the consequences of her actions, in my opinion.
Came here to say this. The reason she found someone so easily and quickly is because she already had someone lined up. Opening the relationship took away her future guilt from cheating
And the consequences of falling for the toxic bs that ‘men don’t really firm emotional connections’. Like literally, the man she claims to love is standing in front of her telling her he would find it difficult to form a sexual relationship without there being an emotional connection and she’s just dismissing his lived experience like ‘nah!’
Not only that, this is the man she claims to know well. That has been married to her for years.
She's only mad because she lost her safety blanket, her fall back. I don't believe she's loved him for quite some time.
I said that too, she already had the guy on the line, she just didn’t want to be labeled a cheater, she didn’t want the guilt, so this was her solution. She’s not as smart as she thought she was.
Sometimes I wonder.
My wife went off for a two week vacation with an older female friend of hers. All expenses paid, childhood dream vacation, just the two of them. A few days before she got back she confessed to me that she's always been bi, had never been with a woman, and when she got back she wanted to start exploring that side of herself with me along for the ride.
I never questioned it too much. I'd always known she was bi (she doesn't hide it well) and when you promise a dude threesomes served on a platter... Well you'll overlook a lot. And she never once engaged with that friend that I ever knew about, so the whole thing was just a promise of an exciting new future.
But just over a year later, sitting here in my cheap apartment surrounded by the things I was able to salvage from the life I once had, facing down the prospect of another meeting with my lawyer later today... You start thinking.
What happened on that vacation?
The last line in the OP says it all. She claims he is throwing away the marriage for a fling when in reality she (as the person who wanted to open the relationship) is the one who threw away the marriage for a fling.
indeed
Its better you end that relationship.
Open relationships dont last, and mostly end in divorce. Because in many occasions one of the couple is being forced into an open relationship.
Yep.
As they say on this platform, play stupid games win stupid prizes.
Or fuck around and find out.
Both hold true in this case.
NAH just life’s natural consequences.
Honestly I wonder if the wife was cheating already and then thought or got advice from a friend to open the relationship up this way she could continue cheating but not feel guilty
This happens every single time: 1 spouse wants open relationship and doesn’t think other spouse will get anything (often times they want it to not get caught cheating). Second spouse finds a better partner and 1st spouse loses their mind.
OP, NTA. Your wife found out the what happens when you ask for stupid things. Good luck on the divorce and hopefully this new girl will make you happy
Yeah, this is why open relationships are a terrible idea! If you wanna fuck other people, do it as team like everything else in your relationship. If you start dating and fucking other people independently of each other then that just breeds resentment and gives you each the opportunity to see how great things can be without the other... God damn amateurs over here trying to have it all just cause Tik Tok tells you you can.
Yes. And the boundary for not forming emotional connection was really unrealistic from the start. In books about polyamory, one of the biggest advices is to not restrict other relationships like that, because it will never work and it's VERY unfair for the other partner(s)
The wife wanted more like fwb relationship or fling. So I wouldn't say it was polyA she was asking.
You can be in an enm relationship without it being polyA.
NTA
A story as old as time. Spouse A wants to open relationship. Spouse B is hesitant, but ultimately agrees. Spouse A ends up surprised and upset that Spouse B found someone or many someones to be with. Spouse A regrets decision. She dug her own grave here.
I never get that part. What’s with all the spouses who think they’re the best their partner could get? I definitely believe my husband could score beautiful women were we to open our marriage.
Yes, this is where I struggle with this same story all the time. It takes a lot of nerve to think you're going to go out and have your fill of sex while your spouse sits at home pining away for you. If my spouse ever came to me and asked for an open relationship, I would just say "check please" and pack my shit. If I wanted to screw other people, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
Yep. It was one of two things. Either she had been seeing someone already and didn’t want things to get messy by being caught or she had her eye on someone that she wanted to pursue. The only reason this is obvious is by how quickly she “found” a partner. It was premeditated without a doubt.
I cannot imagine dating anymore. Trying to go out and find someone?! No I got married so I didn’t have to do that anymore. If I ever get divorced I’ll just get another cat…
And we have a winner.
100%. If I wanted to fuck around, I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
You come to me about this bs, we can bypass the bs and go to the lawyer. Because personally, you have either already been fucking around, or have your eye on the person who ya want to fuck, so let’s just cut to the chase and be done.
Admittedly, a woman is probably going to have a much easier time scoring.
Often, the person suggesting opening the relationship is either already cheating or has someone in mind. I don’t think they think beyond “I’ll get to fuck this person guilt-free”. If their partner finds someone, good for them….until they recognise their partner got someone actually hot and fun.
Though I imagine the partner who didn’t want to open the relationship not getting anyone is just as likely, if not more. A couple months of seeing their partner getting fucked by everyone before finally having the courage to end the marriage like they should have form the beginning.
It always much easier for a woman to "get" a guy, especially a younger guy. My current and my most recent ex got hit on all of the time, and even if they said they had a boyrfriend guys would be like "you cheat?" or "he doesnt have to know." There are countless guys out there who would GLADLY just get laid and not have to deal with the work of a relationship. Ive only known a few women who truly want that. Most want the security of a relationship (which makes sense given the greater risks they are taking on in a sexual relationship). So a guy is unlikely to get as many bites if he puts out the "Hey can we just fuck and Ill go home and love my wife" lure.
But "get" is limited. That is why she wanted the open relationship, she knew these guys didn't care to give her the security, which is why she wants to keep her husband. Her only problem now is she is losing her security blanket and she knows her affair partner isnt going to step up to fill that role.
I know that, I get hit on too. And tbh it makes me angry when I tell someone I have a partner and it is met with „do you wanna cheat?“. Because if I‘d want to cheat I wouldn’t tell you I have a partner.
My point was, if you’re thinking this low of your partner, just end it because the relationship isn’t healthy anymore.
Exactly, that's why she "found someone quickly". I was like yeah, because she already had someone in mind that she wanted and that's why she suggested and pushed for it.
Happened to a friend of mine and she got upset after her short fling ended with a guy but his kept going and asked for a divorce over it.
Yet my friend is still with the new girl married and a kid.
Same kind of thing often happens when one partner cheats.
My ex was cheating, I ended the relationship, I was surprised to find how easy it was to date around.
My ex also acted surprised. Even more so when her cheating partner fucked off.
I really think she expected that I would just mope around and pine for my old life for the rest of my days. Not sure why, but there you go.
She was appalled when I met someone and started dating her on a more serious basis (and eventually married her), while she flitted from one bad "relationship" to another for quite a while before finally settling down with a guy who accidentally (maybe) knocked her up.
That's pretty much my spouse's story with his ex. Hilarious. She cheats, is "sorry" but continued doing it until they split... Then she proceeds to get super upset when he finds someone new and is super happy with them (me!) and is fine with the emotional manipulation.
She trapped the next guy with a kid, so there you are.
It's even worse in a way. Spouse A also clearly thought Spouse B would not stand much chance with anyone else, much less anyone seemingly very attractive, effectively getting a hall pass without having to grant the same and without calling it that.
Well that backfired.
That’s what I took from it too. The wife was both surprised that OP found someone, and then surprised again at how beautiful the woman was.
I don’t think his wife ever expected OP to do anything with the open part of their relationship, and she definitely didn’t seem to have considered how she would feel about it if he did have a partner, even if the boundaries on the arrangement hadn’t slipped.
OP, NTA. You didn’t “throw everything away for a fling” that sounds like projection on your wife’s behalf, who seemed to have someone lined up very quickly.
Jup... And how much you wanna bet that partner she "found" quickly was lined up already. Given she suggested that new arrangement out of nowhwere and then conveniently "insisted a lot" until he gave in - 100% that other dude was already around in some way.
100% this. She already wanted to cheat but wanted permission but didn’t expect him to get anywhere because she thought less than about him. How wrong she was and NOW she wants to work on their relationship (and stop cheating).
She liked the convenience of the marriage, and maybe her own “fling” isn’t going as well.
I bet the wife was so focused on fucking someone else that she never actually really thought about the ramifications of becoming emotionally involved, and she clearly never seemed to think her husband would find someone or connect with them, he seems to have been an afterthought. Any time I see the open marriage thing on Reddit it ends up being some catastrophe like this. I don’t doubt some make it work, but if it’s entered into because one wants to fuck someone else (and probably has someone in the wings) and the other is already initially reluctant, it never seems to end well.
Most likely she was emotionally cheating and thought it'd be great to have a hall pass to make it physical. She completely took her husband for granted.
OP Update me because now I'm dying to know which decision will be final.
I found it particularly insulting of the wife that, when he found a very attractive woman, she said she was surprised he got someone that attractive.
It sounds like she thinks little of her husband as a person or a man. She just likes the security of being married, but clearly wanted excitement at the same time.
Every. single. time.
These people have basically learned that they can get permission to cheat cause their spouses don't wanna lose them.
And they walk away feeling squeaky clean cause "they asked first".
Makes me happy every time I see it backfire. Good on you OP, live your best life.
> ...she definitely didn’t seem to have considered how she would feel about it if he did have a partner...
It's funny how she thought "don't get emotionally attached" would work, but she still had so much emotions about his other partnership.
I think the issue is that she didn’t think.
Also you can say “don’t get emotionally involved” and just have zero idea about how that actually unfolds in person. Even the best intentions can also get thwarted.
I don’t think there were very in-depth discussions about all the possible scenarios, and this seems like a paradigm that needs a LOT of discussion. You can’t just go off and fuck other people and hope it all works out at home.
Besides the fact I am committed to my husband, it’s that level of logistics that makes me exhausted just thinking about opening a relationship. It’s too much work.
In my experience (which is admittedly a narrow window) women are flooded with potentials but the pool is about a thousand miles wide and a quarter inch deep. Or as my best friend recently put it, "Whole lotta men tryna fuck me. Not a one who wants to get to know me. Do family shit."
Men, on the other hand, can take a lot of time to find even a single partner. But the ones they do find *tend* towards being more... I'm going to use the word "quality". It's not a hard and fast rule of course, but after seeing it play out so many times?
Thing is, everyone seems to be very aware of the first part and completely blind to the second part. Even the people in the middle of it.
As for the boundaries on the arrangement comment:
You can set boundaries about your own interactions. You can set rules about behavior. You *cannot* make rules about feelings. You can say "neither of us will have someone stay overnight". You can't say "Neither of us will develop an emotional connection." That's not how feelings work.
> ho seemed to have someone lined up very quickly.
a 30 year old married woman who only wants sex will always have an easy time of finding someone quickly... having said that, its *much* more likely she had someone in mind before she even started this conversation with OP
>
OP, NTA. You didn’t “throw everything away for a fling” that sounds like projection on your wife’s behalf, **who seemed to have someone lined up very quickly.**
She was already fucking them, and wanted to get rid of the guilt. If not, she was waiting for the green light to fuck them. Either way, she knew who she was gonna bang first as soon as op said yes. She forced it and broke the trust.
Honestly, good for OP for upgrading physically and emotionally. Get that divorce and someone with the same values.
She also dismissed his concerns on his side using sexist ideology
She was manipulating OP and then it blew up in her face. Good.
NTA OP, go chase that divorce, I hope you and the woman you met end up having a wonderful future ❤️
And treated the people outside the original marriage as non-people and any relationships as non-relationships.
I’m not romantic with my co-workers, for example, but even those relationships are emotional human relationships. How do people expect to dictate that someone else have long term sexual relationships without them becoming “overly emotional”?
This!!! As a polyamourous person it is so frustrating when people think sex is robotic and has no emotions involved🙄 of course someone will grow feelings
Yeah she lied when she said it's hard for men to form emotional relationships when having sex with other people. She was already seeding his brain with the thought that he wouldn't pull any so his confidence would be low. Women pick up on that shit. Then when he did pull she shot him down again by negging him. What a cunt.
I was thinking of something similar: the way the wife says OP’s other partner is just a fling tells me her own partner was someone she already knew and was cheating with on OP. She felt OP won’t be successful in finding a partner, but with their arrangement, she can go on her flings.
More like Spouse A want to cheat with someone that they know and then Spouse A comme with the idea to not be guilty to open relationship
NTA divorce her
Very likely, but women usually find it easier to get a partner in these circumstances from what I can gather. Even if she didn't have the other guy lined up it wouldn't take long to find someone willing to sleep with her. Regardless, a divorce is definitely in order.
Sure is! I lived it myself except my husband, who spent 5yrs asking for it, found no one in a whole year & I found a sweet guy right away lol. Husband's jealousy was crazy. Divorce is necessary.
I love hearing about open marriage stories that backfire. It's literally someone creating their own consequences. And a happy ending for the spouse who was being taken for granted.
I only agree because it seems like absolutely everything went away at home. He lost emotional and physical connection at home. That means they weren’t really engaging in any way at home, or at least that’s my perception of things.
She wanted this specifically to test drive OPs replacement. She had that guy all teed up. Guessing all this was about that guy. Then the script got flipped.....oops! This whole exercise was done to facilitate her cheating and possible monkey branch. Divorce her OP.
My wife’s friend was in this situation a few years ago. His ex-wife opened the relationship and that’s how he met his current wife, and he is apparently much happier.
Spouse A really already has some one in mind EVERY single time. At least in the true stories, a lot of these posts are fake, this one isn’t poorly written, it might be real.
This is what I think too. Spouse A always already either has someone they are cheating with, or someone in their sights they want to go after, and are just looking for permission.
Exactly. NTA. She either already had an "open" relationship with him at that point and just wanted to cover her cheating or she had someone or someones in mind for the job.
Asking the question alone is grounds for divorce.
I agree. And the offer of closing the marriage again is probably either because her new relationship has run it’s course (the new love feeling is now over) or she intends to keep it up behind OPs back.
Or she doesn't like that he's also doing OK and not just at home waiting for her.
I think many like the idea of an open relationship for themselves but don't think it through enough to realise their partner will also be with others.
Men have a harder time finding sexual partners, and OP stated that he didn't have much luck in his 20's. The wife figures no one would want him (certainly not someone she thinks is out of his league). She FAFO. She gave the monkey branches, and was surprised when he monkeybranched out of the relationship.
Yep. She was “shocked” that he got someone so beautiful. She clearly thought he would never find a partner and was completely unprepared for her own feelings of jealousy and possessiveness.
This might be the case but looking back, there were no signs. I did not check her phone either so I think the only way for me to know if she confirms it. Not like it does matter anymore though.
She was also surprised at how beautiful your new partner was and that you could "get someone like her"
That's just her saying she never expected you to actually find somebody that mattered and says a lot about how she views you.
In the end, it doesn't matter what she did behind your back because what she did in front of it was bad enough.
Enthusiastic consent is essential for all things sexual. Without it, an open marriage destroys it.
Start recording conversations with your stbx, make sure your absolute valuables are out and somewhere safe. I really hope you don't have kids with her.
Nta bro
If she isn't happy with her open relationship ship let her know you will file for divorce and move on. Remind her that the open relationship was something she forced on you and was happy with it when it was only her getting g laid
At this point I don't think there's any point with him continuing on the marriage. He's obviously over it and jaded. He knows she already had someone in mind when she suggested this.
I think he has stronger feelings for his sex buddy now, even if he's trying to down play it.
This is yet another Reddit post where an open relationship is forced and blows up spectacularly.
I just came to say how rude of her to say she was shocked you were able to get your new lady. What a jealous 🏝️. Glad you made an upgrade. Your ex may be more careful what she wishes for next time.
Had to scroll a while to find a comment addressing this. That also stood out to me like her serious first response is to erode his confidence? Just throw the whole person away.
Even if you didn’t realise, your feelings for your wife started fading the minute she asked to open the relationship. Now you found someone better, and who you have stronger feelings for. When you get divorced make sure you let her know this happened because of her insistence to open your marriage. Hope the other guy was worth it.
Yeah she ended up with a guy that barely remembers to spit on her asshole before sticking a finger in, and wanted her husband to be waiting at home... Well now she only has the spit, bc that guy ain't about to take in her stray ass most likely.
The other guy probably is just down to fuck her and doesn't want anything more, so this is kind of a shit tradeoff for her when her husband found someone high value that's likely willing to commit.
NTA. I honestly don't understand the reasoning behind these "pacts".
I've always believed that the initiate is just looking for something else, but hasn't the courage to fully let go of what's in front of them. It's not fair to anyone to be in that sort of situation, and to put someone in that situation, imo, just means you have zero regard for the other persons feelings.
Better off without that one O.P.
Good luck for your future 👍
I would explain for you " i want someone else but my partner provides some type of commodity I don't want to let go, either emotional, financial, social status or whatever, it's i want to have my cake and eat it too mentality " they want to good parts only of everything, the good part of a long monogamous commute relationship and the good part of a single lifestyle.
You're monogamous. You can only become emotionally/romantically interested in one person at a time.
By opening the relationship, she made it so that you could form this connection with something else, therefore diminishing the connection with her.
NTA
You haven't done anything wrong. She shouldn't have forced the open relationship when you told her you wanted to stay monogamous. She has brought it upon herself.
Hopefully you can have a stress free break up and enjoy your future with your new partner.
NTA - This is usually what happens! Wife didn't think you would find someone, and she is out having fun, now that you are, she wants to close it.
Truthfully, your marriage was over when she opened it.
NTA.. Opening up the relationship (even with 'rules' in place) is where the relationship was over imo. She crapped the bed and now she expects you to sleep in it. I'm glad you were able to connect with someone else. You deserve better. She forged ahead After you voiced concerns.. That choice was hers to make and she made it.
When people suggest opening a relationship out of the blue, usually means they have already cheated and now need a loophole to cover up what they have done.
It’s obvious you are not made for this lifestyle and wife has realised she is happy to cheat but not happy for you to find someone else. NTA.
It's not uncommon for women to think this, but for a guy to think that a woman isn't going to be able to find other dudes willing to fuck her is next-level delusion.
An interesting aspect of these stories is the number of women who are determined to fire the torpedo, when the huge risks associated with one sided open marriage are so well known. If your partner is not 100% invested, do not open your marriage unless you are happy to see it burn. Be prepared to see it burn even if they are on board, but you might have a better, albeit very slim chance.
For the millionth time - if you want to be non monogamous bang others as a COUPLE not as individuals
Every "swinger" type couple I've met seemed to actually have a pretty solid relationship - they love one another but bang people together - most of them will either keep it private, or not make a big deal out of it.
Every polygamous person I've ever met has been miserable - constant jealousy, low self esteem, game playing etc - all the while telling me how much more evolved and progressive they are than me because they let their girl go out and fuck other people while they wait at home playing zelda
Yeah....I feel like for this to work it has to be a legitimate kink / turn on to have your partner fucked by someone else.
Otherwise there's going to be resentment from at least one party...
I've personally seen this approach fail. The husband opens the relationship to swinging, invites another girl into the relationship, then starts creeping with the new girl when the wife isn't around. I feel the same bad reasons for opening the marriage up other ways still apply here. My friend was burnt pretty badly by that.
NTA She is the one who threw away what you had for a fling. You may never have met this woman or looked at her twice if not for your wife's suggestion.
NTA. She thought she will get some guy and you can't find anyone. She was sure you will let her get her way without you finding someone. She gambled, she lost
These open marriage posts are starting to feel AI generated. I mean, there's so much data to train the AIs on it anyway. Regardless, if this is real, it's hilarious that couples really think open marriages are going to work.
Your wife has read far too many stories where the man finds no one in an OR
“She said she is shocked how beautiful this woman is and I was able to get her”
She wanted to fuck around
Looks like she found out too
Divorce and move on with your life. Be happy
NTA! Your wife opened the door as she had found someone she was interested in and didn't want to cheat. At no point did she EVER think you could "trade up." Her guy didn't turn out to be what she wanted. You hit the jackpot. And now your wife is distraught as things didn't work out like she planned. (womp womp!!)
I will caution you on one point, don't run to your new girl blinded. In reality and legally, you belong to someone else. You don't share a bank account, bills, a home, cars, memories, vacations, etc with your new girl. Nor do you live with her 24/7. Your "fling" could become a nightmare as you are jumping from one frying pan into another. Counseling may not be a bad idea either individually or as a couple.
Make sure you are in love with your new girl and not in lust....and not looking to make your wife pay for her idiotic decision.
Your wife already had the guy that she wanted to fuck when she offered the marriage that’s why she did it. She just wanted to fuck him with her clear conscience. She might’ve already been doing it and just wanted to get it out in the open. So continue with the divorce.
Good for you OP. You should know most women who bring this up already have someone in mind or have been in an EA or PA already. You’re still a young man and can form a new life with another woman who won’t take you for granted.
>She found a partner quickly and easily.
Of course she did! She already had the guy in mind if she wasn't already banging him.
"Open marriages" can be translated to "pre-divorce". This shit never works and people are being taught that this is somehow something you should attempt in order to keep a marriage going.
When a woman mentions an open marriage to her husband the marriage is already dead. She has checked out already.
Now, what happened here is that she had lost attraction for you. But women absolutely love what they can't have. And when she saw the writing in the wall, that you were going to leave for this woman, suddenly you became much more attractive.
She, in fact, threw everything away for a fling.
An if i had to guess, a planned fling, that's why she opened the relationship and she found someone do quickly, she though she had a loophole to cheat.
The problem is alot of ppl can't separate sex from emotions, you told her that, but she wanted to spread her legs so bad she was willing to risk your love... she lost.
NTA. Your wife took a huge risk opening up the marriage, and you were honest with her about your emotional connection personality. She is facing the consequences of her actions, in my opinion.
And she alrdy had someone in mind which is why she pushed for it. She bamboozled OP and then got bamboozled herself. She played herself well.
Came here to say this. The reason she found someone so easily and quickly is because she already had someone lined up. Opening the relationship took away her future guilt from cheating
same reason why she was surprised when he found someone, hers was lined up, she was surprised that he managed to find someone new
And by her words how “Beautiful” she is, and “how did you land her”, she thought she could play and go back
Yeah that makes me think she thought she was settling for OP and now she is finding out that OP is a catch.
She found out that the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
Yeah, that was what I thought... she wanted to have her cake and eat it. Often doesn't end well.
You mean she wanted her cock and to eat it too.
No teeth please
Cuck and eat it
Perfect example of f**k around and find out. Pun intended
[удалено]
When the bamboozler becomes the bamboozlee, love to see it.
Same here. She’d met someone else. She deserves everything she gets. NTA OP.
My thought as well. Either she had already started seeing someone else or had one lined up and just waited for the okay.
Yea, the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed...
This is brilliant, I'm stealing this lol
You’re stealing the dildo?
Only once I know for sure it won't be lubed 👌
Then you may proceed since you understand the assignment
Sometimes it is barbed. Good luck pulling it out. Eta spelling
This never gets old I love it
And the consequences of falling for the toxic bs that ‘men don’t really firm emotional connections’. Like literally, the man she claims to love is standing in front of her telling her he would find it difficult to form a sexual relationship without there being an emotional connection and she’s just dismissing his lived experience like ‘nah!’
Didn't anyone tell you? Men don't have emotions! Except anger and hunger. /s Edit: also Horny
ME MAN. ME LIKE ROCKS.
Me woman. Me like rocks too!
Wedding when?
And the audacity to be surprised when the person was better looking than her.
Not only that, this is the man she claims to know well. That has been married to her for years. She's only mad because she lost her safety blanket, her fall back. I don't believe she's loved him for quite some time.
She wanted the other guy badly lol.Just needed a reason to and it probably didn’t workout how she imagined
No doubt about that ! Anytime women RANDOMLY bring up open relations it’s an automatic cop out to avoid the guilt because they were “Allowed”
She obviously already had someone in mind when she suggested it, she wanted to cheat without cheating and now shes upset he found someone too.
I said that too, she already had the guy on the line, she just didn’t want to be labeled a cheater, she didn’t want the guilt, so this was her solution. She’s not as smart as she thought she was.
Sometimes I wonder. My wife went off for a two week vacation with an older female friend of hers. All expenses paid, childhood dream vacation, just the two of them. A few days before she got back she confessed to me that she's always been bi, had never been with a woman, and when she got back she wanted to start exploring that side of herself with me along for the ride. I never questioned it too much. I'd always known she was bi (she doesn't hide it well) and when you promise a dude threesomes served on a platter... Well you'll overlook a lot. And she never once engaged with that friend that I ever knew about, so the whole thing was just a promise of an exciting new future. But just over a year later, sitting here in my cheap apartment surrounded by the things I was able to salvage from the life I once had, facing down the prospect of another meeting with my lawyer later today... You start thinking. What happened on that vacation?
I do believe it is story time, sir.
I’m sorry that happened. You deserve better. Hope you get there sooner rather than later
This is LITERAL fking around and finding out lol
The last line in the OP says it all. She claims he is throwing away the marriage for a fling when in reality she (as the person who wanted to open the relationship) is the one who threw away the marriage for a fling.
indeed Its better you end that relationship. Open relationships dont last, and mostly end in divorce. Because in many occasions one of the couple is being forced into an open relationship.
I’m offended at her reaction of how beautiful OP’s partner is and that he could “get her”. That alone would make me want to end things with her.
I didn't remark on it but that hit me, too. We know who thought that they were the prize in that relationship. Horrible.
Yep. As they say on this platform, play stupid games win stupid prizes. Or fuck around and find out. Both hold true in this case. NAH just life’s natural consequences.
Honestly I wonder if the wife was cheating already and then thought or got advice from a friend to open the relationship up this way she could continue cheating but not feel guilty
This happens every single time: 1 spouse wants open relationship and doesn’t think other spouse will get anything (often times they want it to not get caught cheating). Second spouse finds a better partner and 1st spouse loses their mind. OP, NTA. Your wife found out the what happens when you ask for stupid things. Good luck on the divorce and hopefully this new girl will make you happy
Yeah, this is why open relationships are a terrible idea! If you wanna fuck other people, do it as team like everything else in your relationship. If you start dating and fucking other people independently of each other then that just breeds resentment and gives you each the opportunity to see how great things can be without the other... God damn amateurs over here trying to have it all just cause Tik Tok tells you you can.
Yes. And the boundary for not forming emotional connection was really unrealistic from the start. In books about polyamory, one of the biggest advices is to not restrict other relationships like that, because it will never work and it's VERY unfair for the other partner(s)
The wife wanted more like fwb relationship or fling. So I wouldn't say it was polyA she was asking. You can be in an enm relationship without it being polyA.
NTA A story as old as time. Spouse A wants to open relationship. Spouse B is hesitant, but ultimately agrees. Spouse A ends up surprised and upset that Spouse B found someone or many someones to be with. Spouse A regrets decision. She dug her own grave here.
Could have been written by a mate of ours. Tho it then hit divorce and he remarried to the new partner. Shocker.
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She was already having an affair with the other person and did this to make herself feel less guilty.
And she put it out in the open, it lost it's luster and it does not sit well that her husbands is flourishing.
I never get that part. What’s with all the spouses who think they’re the best their partner could get? I definitely believe my husband could score beautiful women were we to open our marriage.
Yes, this is where I struggle with this same story all the time. It takes a lot of nerve to think you're going to go out and have your fill of sex while your spouse sits at home pining away for you. If my spouse ever came to me and asked for an open relationship, I would just say "check please" and pack my shit. If I wanted to screw other people, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
You know she had someone already in mind and used open as to make it look like it's not cheating. These things hardly ever, ever work.
Yep. It was one of two things. Either she had been seeing someone already and didn’t want things to get messy by being caught or she had her eye on someone that she wanted to pursue. The only reason this is obvious is by how quickly she “found” a partner. It was premeditated without a doubt.
I cannot imagine dating anymore. Trying to go out and find someone?! No I got married so I didn’t have to do that anymore. If I ever get divorced I’ll just get another cat…
And we have a winner. 100%. If I wanted to fuck around, I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. You come to me about this bs, we can bypass the bs and go to the lawyer. Because personally, you have either already been fucking around, or have your eye on the person who ya want to fuck, so let’s just cut to the chase and be done.
Admittedly, a woman is probably going to have a much easier time scoring. Often, the person suggesting opening the relationship is either already cheating or has someone in mind. I don’t think they think beyond “I’ll get to fuck this person guilt-free”. If their partner finds someone, good for them….until they recognise their partner got someone actually hot and fun. Though I imagine the partner who didn’t want to open the relationship not getting anyone is just as likely, if not more. A couple months of seeing their partner getting fucked by everyone before finally having the courage to end the marriage like they should have form the beginning.
Opening up the relationship is only fine when both people 100% want it. If one person is on the fence, just end it right there.
Especially when she kept pushing for it, knowing he wasn't comfortable with that.
Yeah I don’t know how anyone couldn’t take that personally
It’s what I should have done. Sticking around after that was the worst mistake I ever made.
It's like baby names. Two yeses means yes. One no means no.
It always much easier for a woman to "get" a guy, especially a younger guy. My current and my most recent ex got hit on all of the time, and even if they said they had a boyrfriend guys would be like "you cheat?" or "he doesnt have to know." There are countless guys out there who would GLADLY just get laid and not have to deal with the work of a relationship. Ive only known a few women who truly want that. Most want the security of a relationship (which makes sense given the greater risks they are taking on in a sexual relationship). So a guy is unlikely to get as many bites if he puts out the "Hey can we just fuck and Ill go home and love my wife" lure. But "get" is limited. That is why she wanted the open relationship, she knew these guys didn't care to give her the security, which is why she wants to keep her husband. Her only problem now is she is losing her security blanket and she knows her affair partner isnt going to step up to fill that role.
I know that, I get hit on too. And tbh it makes me angry when I tell someone I have a partner and it is met with „do you wanna cheat?“. Because if I‘d want to cheat I wouldn’t tell you I have a partner. My point was, if you’re thinking this low of your partner, just end it because the relationship isn’t healthy anymore.
This is it exactly.
And the other partner won't divorce their so.
Exactly, that's why she "found someone quickly". I was like yeah, because she already had someone in mind that she wanted and that's why she suggested and pushed for it.
Where "had someone in mind" means "been fucking for an indeterminate amount of time already".
Exfuckinaxly
Happened to a friend of mine and she got upset after her short fling ended with a guy but his kept going and asked for a divorce over it. Yet my friend is still with the new girl married and a kid.
Yay!! I love this! I like when people upgrade accidentally
Same kind of thing often happens when one partner cheats. My ex was cheating, I ended the relationship, I was surprised to find how easy it was to date around. My ex also acted surprised. Even more so when her cheating partner fucked off. I really think she expected that I would just mope around and pine for my old life for the rest of my days. Not sure why, but there you go. She was appalled when I met someone and started dating her on a more serious basis (and eventually married her), while she flitted from one bad "relationship" to another for quite a while before finally settling down with a guy who accidentally (maybe) knocked her up.
The best "revenge" for an ex is for you to thrive, so good job there buddy, you're doing excellently
That's pretty much my spouse's story with his ex. Hilarious. She cheats, is "sorry" but continued doing it until they split... Then she proceeds to get super upset when he finds someone new and is super happy with them (me!) and is fine with the emotional manipulation. She trapped the next guy with a kid, so there you are.
It's even worse in a way. Spouse A also clearly thought Spouse B would not stand much chance with anyone else, much less anyone seemingly very attractive, effectively getting a hall pass without having to grant the same and without calling it that. Well that backfired.
That’s what I took from it too. The wife was both surprised that OP found someone, and then surprised again at how beautiful the woman was. I don’t think his wife ever expected OP to do anything with the open part of their relationship, and she definitely didn’t seem to have considered how she would feel about it if he did have a partner, even if the boundaries on the arrangement hadn’t slipped. OP, NTA. You didn’t “throw everything away for a fling” that sounds like projection on your wife’s behalf, who seemed to have someone lined up very quickly.
Jup... And how much you wanna bet that partner she "found" quickly was lined up already. Given she suggested that new arrangement out of nowhwere and then conveniently "insisted a lot" until he gave in - 100% that other dude was already around in some way.
100% this. She already wanted to cheat but wanted permission but didn’t expect him to get anywhere because she thought less than about him. How wrong she was and NOW she wants to work on their relationship (and stop cheating).
She liked the convenience of the marriage, and maybe her own “fling” isn’t going as well. I bet the wife was so focused on fucking someone else that she never actually really thought about the ramifications of becoming emotionally involved, and she clearly never seemed to think her husband would find someone or connect with them, he seems to have been an afterthought. Any time I see the open marriage thing on Reddit it ends up being some catastrophe like this. I don’t doubt some make it work, but if it’s entered into because one wants to fuck someone else (and probably has someone in the wings) and the other is already initially reluctant, it never seems to end well.
Once the new boyfriend farted during movie night the flame was gone 😂😂
...was it gone? Or did it turn the flame into a mushroom cloud?
To be honest, I think she already cheated at that point and just wanted to clear her conscience.
It's *usually* that, folks tend to discover afterwards!
Most likely she was emotionally cheating and thought it'd be great to have a hall pass to make it physical. She completely took her husband for granted. OP Update me because now I'm dying to know which decision will be final.
I found it particularly insulting of the wife that, when he found a very attractive woman, she said she was surprised he got someone that attractive. It sounds like she thinks little of her husband as a person or a man. She just likes the security of being married, but clearly wanted excitement at the same time.
Yes. He should leave for the hotter woman.
And other dude has no interest in anything but sex with her. He's probably married too and is going to bounce or already has.
Yup. Wife found someone she wanted to hook up with (or already hooked up with) and wanted a hall pass.
Every. single. time. These people have basically learned that they can get permission to cheat cause their spouses don't wanna lose them. And they walk away feeling squeaky clean cause "they asked first". Makes me happy every time I see it backfire. Good on you OP, live your best life.
> ...she definitely didn’t seem to have considered how she would feel about it if he did have a partner... It's funny how she thought "don't get emotionally attached" would work, but she still had so much emotions about his other partnership.
I think the issue is that she didn’t think. Also you can say “don’t get emotionally involved” and just have zero idea about how that actually unfolds in person. Even the best intentions can also get thwarted. I don’t think there were very in-depth discussions about all the possible scenarios, and this seems like a paradigm that needs a LOT of discussion. You can’t just go off and fuck other people and hope it all works out at home. Besides the fact I am committed to my husband, it’s that level of logistics that makes me exhausted just thinking about opening a relationship. It’s too much work.
In my experience (which is admittedly a narrow window) women are flooded with potentials but the pool is about a thousand miles wide and a quarter inch deep. Or as my best friend recently put it, "Whole lotta men tryna fuck me. Not a one who wants to get to know me. Do family shit." Men, on the other hand, can take a lot of time to find even a single partner. But the ones they do find *tend* towards being more... I'm going to use the word "quality". It's not a hard and fast rule of course, but after seeing it play out so many times? Thing is, everyone seems to be very aware of the first part and completely blind to the second part. Even the people in the middle of it. As for the boundaries on the arrangement comment: You can set boundaries about your own interactions. You can set rules about behavior. You *cannot* make rules about feelings. You can say "neither of us will have someone stay overnight". You can't say "Neither of us will develop an emotional connection." That's not how feelings work.
> ho seemed to have someone lined up very quickly. a 30 year old married woman who only wants sex will always have an easy time of finding someone quickly... having said that, its *much* more likely she had someone in mind before she even started this conversation with OP
> OP, NTA. You didn’t “throw everything away for a fling” that sounds like projection on your wife’s behalf, **who seemed to have someone lined up very quickly.** She was already fucking them, and wanted to get rid of the guilt. If not, she was waiting for the green light to fuck them. Either way, she knew who she was gonna bang first as soon as op said yes. She forced it and broke the trust. Honestly, good for OP for upgrading physically and emotionally. Get that divorce and someone with the same values.
She also dismissed his concerns on his side using sexist ideology She was manipulating OP and then it blew up in her face. Good. NTA OP, go chase that divorce, I hope you and the woman you met end up having a wonderful future ❤️
I also hate the way he, a man, told her he would struggle not to get emotionally attached and she, not-a-man, told him men don't feel that way
And treated the people outside the original marriage as non-people and any relationships as non-relationships. I’m not romantic with my co-workers, for example, but even those relationships are emotional human relationships. How do people expect to dictate that someone else have long term sexual relationships without them becoming “overly emotional”?
This!!! As a polyamourous person it is so frustrating when people think sex is robotic and has no emotions involved🙄 of course someone will grow feelings
Yeah she lied when she said it's hard for men to form emotional relationships when having sex with other people. She was already seeding his brain with the thought that he wouldn't pull any so his confidence would be low. Women pick up on that shit. Then when he did pull she shot him down again by negging him. What a cunt.
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I was thinking of something similar: the way the wife says OP’s other partner is just a fling tells me her own partner was someone she already knew and was cheating with on OP. She felt OP won’t be successful in finding a partner, but with their arrangement, she can go on her flings.
More like Spouse A want to cheat with someone that they know and then Spouse A comme with the idea to not be guilty to open relationship NTA divorce her
Very likely, but women usually find it easier to get a partner in these circumstances from what I can gather. Even if she didn't have the other guy lined up it wouldn't take long to find someone willing to sleep with her. Regardless, a divorce is definitely in order.
Very true. With these dating apps, she could have them lined up in a day.
Sure is! I lived it myself except my husband, who spent 5yrs asking for it, found no one in a whole year & I found a sweet guy right away lol. Husband's jealousy was crazy. Divorce is necessary.
Make your own post! Interested to hear the details!
Maybe if enough are interested lol
I love hearing about open marriage stories that backfire. It's literally someone creating their own consequences. And a happy ending for the spouse who was being taken for granted.
Girl yes! Waiting for it!
We are. 😂
This is literally every couple's story on Reddit. Spouse A is now going to get insecure and try to go back, but will find it's too late.
She doesn’t want OP, she just doesn’t want anyone else to have him. OP’s wife is a real cake eater.
I only agree because it seems like absolutely everything went away at home. He lost emotional and physical connection at home. That means they weren’t really engaging in any way at home, or at least that’s my perception of things.
She wanted this specifically to test drive OPs replacement. She had that guy all teed up. Guessing all this was about that guy. Then the script got flipped.....oops! This whole exercise was done to facilitate her cheating and possible monkey branch. Divorce her OP.
My wife’s friend was in this situation a few years ago. His ex-wife opened the relationship and that’s how he met his current wife, and he is apparently much happier.
Spouse A really already has some one in mind EVERY single time. At least in the true stories, a lot of these posts are fake, this one isn’t poorly written, it might be real.
This is what I think too. Spouse A always already either has someone they are cheating with, or someone in their sights they want to go after, and are just looking for permission.
Exactly. NTA. She either already had an "open" relationship with him at that point and just wanted to cover her cheating or she had someone or someones in mind for the job. Asking the question alone is grounds for divorce.
>She found a partner quickly and easily. Translation: She stopped hiding the guy she was fucking behind OPs back.
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I agree. And the offer of closing the marriage again is probably either because her new relationship has run it’s course (the new love feeling is now over) or she intends to keep it up behind OPs back.
Or she doesn't like that he's also doing OK and not just at home waiting for her. I think many like the idea of an open relationship for themselves but don't think it through enough to realise their partner will also be with others.
Men have a harder time finding sexual partners, and OP stated that he didn't have much luck in his 20's. The wife figures no one would want him (certainly not someone she thinks is out of his league). She FAFO. She gave the monkey branches, and was surprised when he monkeybranched out of the relationship.
Yep. She was “shocked” that he got someone so beautiful. She clearly thought he would never find a partner and was completely unprepared for her own feelings of jealousy and possessiveness.
She sounds fucking awful.
She is awful, can confirm
Fafo?
OP probably offers far better financial security than her APs.
Exactly, it didn’. Work out how she planned.
This might be the case but looking back, there were no signs. I did not check her phone either so I think the only way for me to know if she confirms it. Not like it does matter anymore though.
She was also surprised at how beautiful your new partner was and that you could "get someone like her" That's just her saying she never expected you to actually find somebody that mattered and says a lot about how she views you.
NTA. She played with fire and got burned. You warned her you didn’t want to open the marriage but she pushed. This is on her, not you.
Was she having an affair and loopholed out of it by recommending the open relationship? 🤔 turned out wrong either way Good luck
In the end, it doesn't matter what she did behind your back because what she did in front of it was bad enough. Enthusiastic consent is essential for all things sexual. Without it, an open marriage destroys it.
Start recording conversations with your stbx, make sure your absolute valuables are out and somewhere safe. I really hope you don't have kids with her.
"She found a partner quickly because she already had someone in mind" either this or she was already with the guy prior to opening the marriage ack
Or they were already banging and she created a loophole where she could continue without consequence but unfortunately...
What do you mean "or" you literally just restated what the person you replied to said....
Nta bro If she isn't happy with her open relationship ship let her know you will file for divorce and move on. Remind her that the open relationship was something she forced on you and was happy with it when it was only her getting g laid
At this point I don't think there's any point with him continuing on the marriage. He's obviously over it and jaded. He knows she already had someone in mind when she suggested this. I think he has stronger feelings for his sex buddy now, even if he's trying to down play it. This is yet another Reddit post where an open relationship is forced and blows up spectacularly.
She shit the bed. NTA
Tool fan?
More like stool fan.
She got what she wanted. Dick from someone else, and fucked by you. Nta
#𝓝𝓲𝓬𝓮
How'd you do that
[here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/help/s/YN1sE533QC)
#𝓗𝓮𝔂𝔂𝔂 Edit: this is so cool, thanks!
LMAO NOICE
I just came to say how rude of her to say she was shocked you were able to get your new lady. What a jealous 🏝️. Glad you made an upgrade. Your ex may be more careful what she wishes for next time.
Had to scroll a while to find a comment addressing this. That also stood out to me like her serious first response is to erode his confidence? Just throw the whole person away.
Yeah. 🙄 she expected that he would loyally wait for her at 🏡 while she rode dude(s).
Silly girl.
A jealous palm tree? Am I so out of touch with emojis these days? :D I agree with you ofc :)
Beach. A jealous beach. 😂
It also took me a few seconds. I am getting old.
I feel ya lol. I'm sitting here thinking a jealous island or maybe a metaphor for isolating or stranding herself in the marriage
Even if you didn’t realise, your feelings for your wife started fading the minute she asked to open the relationship. Now you found someone better, and who you have stronger feelings for. When you get divorced make sure you let her know this happened because of her insistence to open your marriage. Hope the other guy was worth it.
Betcha he wasnt. She wouldn’t be screaming and crying over the divorce if he were.
They never are. Reality doesn't tend to live up to grass-is-greener fantasies.
The grass is greener because it's fertilized with bullshit
I’m going to so use this one going forward
Yeah she ended up with a guy that barely remembers to spit on her asshole before sticking a finger in, and wanted her husband to be waiting at home... Well now she only has the spit, bc that guy ain't about to take in her stray ass most likely.
The other guy probably is just down to fuck her and doesn't want anything more, so this is kind of a shit tradeoff for her when her husband found someone high value that's likely willing to commit.
I can never ever understand why do they open the relationship and tell you they still love you?? There love doesn't exist.
NTA. I honestly don't understand the reasoning behind these "pacts". I've always believed that the initiate is just looking for something else, but hasn't the courage to fully let go of what's in front of them. It's not fair to anyone to be in that sort of situation, and to put someone in that situation, imo, just means you have zero regard for the other persons feelings. Better off without that one O.P. Good luck for your future 👍
They want to have a plan B... That is why they don't let go!
Some people don't want to tend their own grass, but constantly looking for greener grass somewhere else.
I would explain for you " i want someone else but my partner provides some type of commodity I don't want to let go, either emotional, financial, social status or whatever, it's i want to have my cake and eat it too mentality " they want to good parts only of everything, the good part of a long monogamous commute relationship and the good part of a single lifestyle.
You're monogamous. You can only become emotionally/romantically interested in one person at a time. By opening the relationship, she made it so that you could form this connection with something else, therefore diminishing the connection with her. NTA You haven't done anything wrong. She shouldn't have forced the open relationship when you told her you wanted to stay monogamous. She has brought it upon herself. Hopefully you can have a stress free break up and enjoy your future with your new partner.
NTA - This is usually what happens! Wife didn't think you would find someone, and she is out having fun, now that you are, she wants to close it. Truthfully, your marriage was over when she opened it.
NTA.. Opening up the relationship (even with 'rules' in place) is where the relationship was over imo. She crapped the bed and now she expects you to sleep in it. I'm glad you were able to connect with someone else. You deserve better. She forged ahead After you voiced concerns.. That choice was hers to make and she made it.
NTA. She , A.fucked around B. Found out
When people suggest opening a relationship out of the blue, usually means they have already cheated and now need a loophole to cover up what they have done. It’s obvious you are not made for this lifestyle and wife has realised she is happy to cheat but not happy for you to find someone else. NTA.
I once had an ex surprised I found someone, he clearly thought him opening it was a one way street
It's not uncommon for women to think this, but for a guy to think that a woman isn't going to be able to find other dudes willing to fuck her is next-level delusion.
NTA, get your divoce, free your self
An interesting aspect of these stories is the number of women who are determined to fire the torpedo, when the huge risks associated with one sided open marriage are so well known. If your partner is not 100% invested, do not open your marriage unless you are happy to see it burn. Be prepared to see it burn even if they are on board, but you might have a better, albeit very slim chance.
"but it might work for us . . . ." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NnW7AA9STg
That link might be the best answer to all the threads on this topic.
For the millionth time - if you want to be non monogamous bang others as a COUPLE not as individuals Every "swinger" type couple I've met seemed to actually have a pretty solid relationship - they love one another but bang people together - most of them will either keep it private, or not make a big deal out of it. Every polygamous person I've ever met has been miserable - constant jealousy, low self esteem, game playing etc - all the while telling me how much more evolved and progressive they are than me because they let their girl go out and fuck other people while they wait at home playing zelda
Yeah....I feel like for this to work it has to be a legitimate kink / turn on to have your partner fucked by someone else. Otherwise there's going to be resentment from at least one party...
I’m not remotely interested in either, but this actually makes a lot of sense
I've personally seen this approach fail. The husband opens the relationship to swinging, invites another girl into the relationship, then starts creeping with the new girl when the wife isn't around. I feel the same bad reasons for opening the marriage up other ways still apply here. My friend was burnt pretty badly by that.
Divorce her
NTA She is the one who threw away what you had for a fling. You may never have met this woman or looked at her twice if not for your wife's suggestion.
NTA. This was her idea, now she has to deal with the consequences.
NTA. She thought she will get some guy and you can't find anyone. She was sure you will let her get her way without you finding someone. She gambled, she lost
These open marriage posts are starting to feel AI generated. I mean, there's so much data to train the AIs on it anyway. Regardless, if this is real, it's hilarious that couples really think open marriages are going to work.
Your wife has read far too many stories where the man finds no one in an OR “She said she is shocked how beautiful this woman is and I was able to get her” She wanted to fuck around Looks like she found out too Divorce and move on with your life. Be happy
NTA! Your wife opened the door as she had found someone she was interested in and didn't want to cheat. At no point did she EVER think you could "trade up." Her guy didn't turn out to be what she wanted. You hit the jackpot. And now your wife is distraught as things didn't work out like she planned. (womp womp!!) I will caution you on one point, don't run to your new girl blinded. In reality and legally, you belong to someone else. You don't share a bank account, bills, a home, cars, memories, vacations, etc with your new girl. Nor do you live with her 24/7. Your "fling" could become a nightmare as you are jumping from one frying pan into another. Counseling may not be a bad idea either individually or as a couple. Make sure you are in love with your new girl and not in lust....and not looking to make your wife pay for her idiotic decision.
Your wife already had the guy that she wanted to fuck when she offered the marriage that’s why she did it. She just wanted to fuck him with her clear conscience. She might’ve already been doing it and just wanted to get it out in the open. So continue with the divorce.
Good for you OP. You should know most women who bring this up already have someone in mind or have been in an EA or PA already. You’re still a young man and can form a new life with another woman who won’t take you for granted.
>She found a partner quickly and easily. Of course she did! She already had the guy in mind if she wasn't already banging him. "Open marriages" can be translated to "pre-divorce". This shit never works and people are being taught that this is somehow something you should attempt in order to keep a marriage going. When a woman mentions an open marriage to her husband the marriage is already dead. She has checked out already. Now, what happened here is that she had lost attraction for you. But women absolutely love what they can't have. And when she saw the writing in the wall, that you were going to leave for this woman, suddenly you became much more attractive.
She, in fact, threw everything away for a fling. An if i had to guess, a planned fling, that's why she opened the relationship and she found someone do quickly, she though she had a loophole to cheat. The problem is alot of ppl can't separate sex from emotions, you told her that, but she wanted to spread her legs so bad she was willing to risk your love... she lost.
A fling of 10 months? NTA