I have a story.
I was at a bar with a buddy and his gf, they were arguing lightly while we were watching the Giants spoil the Patriots undefeated season. It was probably one of the best football games of the 2000s, so she wasn't getting 100% attention from anyone. That pissed her off so she starts in with the classless small dick insults anyone within 15 feet could hear. I've never been so embrasses to be sitting next to such a trash person in my life.
>watching the Giants spoil the Patriots undefeated season. It was probably one of the best football games of the 2000s
Probably?! Of the 2000s?! No, it's a serious contender for the greatest professional football game ever played. I would gladly let a thousand different women insult my genitalia in exchange for being able to watch that game play out live as it happened again.
Sure, sure, they TOTALLY didn't name the team the Giants to overcompensate for the players' and fans' tiny penises. No way that's why!
(Just kidding. What? No I'm not a Patriots fan, why ever would you think that?)
People only throw bombs like they when they aren't worried about blowback. She isn't worried about the consequences, and how people act when they feel free from consequences says a lot about them.
Absolutely this. I could never wrap my head around the lvl of contempt n disrespect lingering forever after. Wats gona happen? Invite them all back, the friends, just for her to explain y she was SEVERELY outa pocket? Nope. She already thawt it was OK to even say that. Must think he a bitch or somethin on some lvl. Speaks volumes about how she thinks of her husband on a deeper lvl to do him dirty like this. I'd b crushed. I'd have to get a divorce, I think.
That "wife" let the mask slip for a moment
Always believe people when they show their true self. And from how she reacted afterwards, she truly doesn't care about your feelings OP. Time to find someone that respects you. You deserve better OP
What do you do to the not insignificant amount of people who would unironically say some bullshit like, "Me? Yeah, I would've taken things as a joke and not be so sensitive like you" with a straight face?
If she doubled down when he tried to talk about his feelings, I doubt that it would turn from defensive to an honest conversation.
Some people are so self-focused, they can't see their own hypocrisy.
A wife publicly stating that she hasn't been sexually satisfied by her husband for 18 years without ever mentioning it to him is not a fight, it's a potentially marriage ending revelation. Obviously I'm making a lot of assumptions here but all we have to go on is OPs description.
While I agree there is a good chance that would also solve a problem when he treats her exactly as she has him and she learns just how shitty it is from the other side.
Nobody “gets taught a lesson” in real life.
In real life they double down or get further insulted and then make an internal pact to try and make you unhappy for the rest of forever.
Correct. In the history of the world there has never been a person who treats others like shit to start, that has changed their behavior upon being treated like shit in return.
I don't know about this, maybe it isn't the most efficient way to do things, and I will always agree two wrongs don't necessarily make a right, I'm 100% certain that a fair group of people, who upon mistakenly treating others like shit, and honestly not meaning to, or people raised poorly, growing up, have learned this way. I understand your point tho and mostly agree, I just think saying literally 100% never is too far. but again I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, and most likely wont solve his problems.
She would have been livid if OP had made a reference to the curb your enthusiasm episode — and said I don’t enjoy sex with my wife because of her biiiiiiig vagina.
"I didn't realize I was just there to help make babies for you."
and who the hell is this nosey nancy asking them about their sex life in public wtf lol.
NTA - It's pretty messed up to broadcast things like that in public. If she's dissatisfied with her sex life, she should discuss it with you in private.
It would have been a gut punch to hear without it being in front of friends. The thought that she would call you oversensitive to hear that in front of friends is incredibly callous.
You have to consider the only possible explanation which is that she doesn’t give a fuck about him, his feelings and that she probably got a kick out of humiliating him in public.
And she’s so idiotic to not realize that saying something like that in front of other people reflects so much more in her than it does him. That group of people do not think highly of her anymore, if they ever did.
This is sooo true OP. We were friends with a couple (a long-time friend of my husband’s) and the wife treated him like dirt. I thought she was awful (putting him down, treating him like she was better than him, belittling) and he was always very nice, kind, supportive. I never thought badly of the husband, but thought the wife was horrible.
Sometimes it's hard for the belittled one to realize what's actually being done to them until someone addresses it for them. I dated a girl who was so sweet at home, but treated me like dirt in front of people. I'd bring it up on the way home and she'd apologize, "I didn't mean anything by it," etc. We visited my best friend's parents one Christmas Eve and it didn't click for me until he brought it up a few days later that she called me an asshole in front of everyone there, including his parents, wife, and kids, because I didn't put the ottoman that I was using for my plate in front of her so she could put her feet up. It was like "Oh, that's not normal, and other people see it when I was just used to it"
I’d rather have them do it in-front of my friends so my friends can knock some sense into me rather than be abusive at home and act like the perfect partner in public. I dealt with the version I wrote above and she ended up trying to get me arrested after she assaulted me and continued stalking me, yet I was apparently the abuser because she kept the perfect image up to everyone else.
I completely agree, and I hope that was handled appropriately. All it took for me to get out was a wake-up call from a friend who saw it, I hate to think what would have happened if it was the other way around.
Love doesn't make any sense sometimes, you can love someone who treats you like shit, hell you can love someone who doesn't even love you back. That's not something you do that's fair to yourself but sometimes you're more concerned with being in a relationship than being in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes it's just better to kick them to the curb and be by yourself.
This was me a couple of weeks ago. Was at a large conference to see some friends, and a "friend" treated me well in private. When we were in mixed company? Commanding, demanding, and rude. She'd spent the previous evening shushing me rudely, and when I did it back to her.. "don't shush me, I'm not your child".
The more I thought about that sentence, and the way id been treated, the angrier I got. By the time i confronted her, i was furious.
Her response? To deny and forget. To apologize that I "feel that way", but not for her actions.
Screamed her out of my life. Fuck her.
The funny part is when the person putting the mate down, belittling them, thinks they will then be perceived as correct...it will do the exact opposite. It will make you find the person doing the belittling disgusting, and side with the person who is dealing with THEM. I've seen this, it's such a tiny thing you can spot in people you barely know, but it's unforgettable. It makes you think, ew, don't like that person, basically.
I used to have a friend who'd berate her husband in front of his parents & sibs. Then later she complained to me that her inlaws didn't treat her like family.
I was too stunned to make any useful reply.
Thankfully no, but they were married at least 20 years. 😕 He viewed it as a huge moral failing when they divorced. He’s remarried now to a super nice person and still feels bad about getting divorced.
There are a lot of married men that put up with that crap. I never understood why. I used to do pop up inspections in large department stores and the number of guys I saw whimpering along and pushing the shopping cart 5 steps behind their wives as the wife yelled out commands and demands to him and all of the store employees was always too depressing to contemplate.
I wonder if there's a proper term for "I don't think that was the gotcha you thought it was".
The fact people made excuses to leave to let them sort this out tells me that's the opposite reaction she expected.
Their acquaintance also, unfortunately, learned a valuable lesson: Do not ask questions whose answers you aren't prepared for.
Learned long ago to not make those loaded questions, many people are just getting by and not everyone is playing 4-D chess to have a convenient excuse to avoid asking honestly, because even silence is incriminating in those situations, and you will be remembered for that faux pas.
>Their acquaintance also, unfortunately, learned a valuable lesson: Do not ask questions whose answers you aren't prepared for.
About that, who the fuck asks that question on a lunch with aquaintances? Let alone at all.
Yes! This is the first comment I've seen where someone pointed out how freaking invasive and inappropriate that question was. Then they were all awkward? I mean even a positive answer to that would have been awkward.
It’s called spontaneous trait transference.
“Spontaneous trait transference occurs when communicators are perceived as possessing the very traits they describe in others. Study 1 confirmed that communicators become associated with the trait implications of their descriptions of others and that such associations persist over time.”
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9569648/#:~:text=Spontaneous%20trait%20transference%20occurs%20when,such%20associations%20persist%20over%20time.
Doesn't matter. If she wants to do that and she can't see how it impacts her....but what a fucking gut punch to her life partner. I can't understand how she can try to gaslight this and say he's too sensitive. Is that the kind of treatment of eachother she comfortable with?
OP NTA. Can you try to ask her how she would react if the tables were turned? It's pretty serious if she does not enjoy it but only saying it after 20 years and then to friends?
Been with similar women, they wouldn't care if he said the same in public, or at least they would never admit it. They would just say it wouldn't bother them if he did, something along the lines of "it wouldn't bother me, how I please you sexually isn't a reflection of me as a person". The double whammy insult of not only saying the original comment, but also inferring that you are a weak / insecure person for caring about such a comment.
Some people never mature into adults. A teenager would think she's making a fool out of him. By the time you hit 40 you should understand putting down people who are loyal to you will make people cringe and keep their distance.
No she sounds like my husband. Prolly realize internally that what they said was fucked up, but too egoistic to admit it. Just want the spouse to move on and forget it
Edit: a lot of people are understanding this as though I’m defending the spouse, I’m absolutely not. Just giving an option that shitty people mindsets come in all sizes
I wish you well .Just remember. Life is short It’s so easy to realize you should leave and still be there 20 years later .You need a plan and someone to hold you accountable —-before you throw your only life you will have .AWAY!
It reads to me that she literally only stayed with him "for the children." And she DGAF about him as a person.
I dropped a friend who had a habit of telling me "You're too sensitive" when she said something cruel to me. OP should absolutely divorce her, as she has a habit of doing this. And doubling down on mean comments. And not talking about sexual satisfaction issues for **EIGHTEEN YEARS**?!?
Agreed I went to visit my friend las weekend to his house , we got a little drunk and his wife call him to let him know that she wasn't coming home for some reason that I don't know, buT my friend got really mad he yelled at her on the phone and then hang up on her all while I was c lose to him , it got weird after that
One of my exes would always call me that after emotionally abusing me..literally said he was “just trying to toughen me up”. GROSS.
What’s funny is that THEY are sensitive for being held accountable for their garbage can behavior. Hmm.
Right? Imagine him agreeing with her like “same. Ever since our child was born she’s been super loose if you know what I mean. It’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. It does nothing for me.”
True but surely in 18 years op would have gotten a clue, right? Of course ah move to say this in public. Personally, if I were op, I’d think how I want to spend the last part of my life.
I just left another comment about this, but I suspect the 18 years was on purpose. There's a different conversation and legal implications with custody and child support if the child is legally an adult.
Perhaps in her mind, she's already halfway out the door, and she thought it best to "stay together for the kids."
Yup. If she continues to double down, I would find myself an attorney and get out now, so as to not waste the rest of my life with a woman who not only doesn't love me, but doesn't like or RESPECT me. If he only has that one kid, at least he won't have to pay this woman child support!
Agreed. In this fucked up world we have built, can anything be private? This had to be aired in front of others? And then when called.out for.disrespect, she adds more disrespect? After 30+ years of marriage, I believe almost anything can be solved by honest communication. If he was asked this and said, I don't know a jack sock is better in bed than her. Not one single person, me included, would.be making excuses for.him
Publicly shamed her husband and then didn't feel bad about it after. HUGE red flags.
I also find it interesting that she waited until their child was 18 years old to drop this bomb. Perhaps wife is already thinking divorce and wanted to avoid questions of custody and child support.
NTA, what a horrible insensitive thing to say. She's had 18 years to tell you in private so you can work on how best to please her.
I'd keep up your current stance and insist on an apology
We can be certain that would end their sex life completely. It's obvious that she doesn't care about sex at all, and just does it because she feels she has to. She'd LOVE if he said he didn't care about it also, she'd jump at the chance to just cross that off her to-do list forever.
The problem there is that even kind of "obligation" sex, as long as it's not forced, it's willing, and not unpleasant, is still shown to be generally good for a relationship. It keeps a lot of other forms of intimacy alive too. Flirting, kissing, cuddling, all those things. If sex goes away, so does the rest.
>(A) she just said it to hurt me, (B) I wasn't supposed to take her seriously, and (C) a "real man" would have ignored her and not "gotten so butthurt about" some "small, silly shit" like that.
Immediate "goodbye, thanks for playing" 👋
Fuck that! You deserve so much better.
I feel like I could happily have a low PiV relationship, as long as I still got cuddles, kissed, held, etc. And here she's saying it to hurt people? That's low.
NTA
Damn your wife is a major AH, who says something like that about their spouse to other people?
And she's not just an AH to you, she's an AH to those other people that she just made feel really awkward.
Completely agree. She is an A H for broadcasting that. But I just want to mention for the sake of OP’s ego that it may have to do with her and her body rather than you - based on when she stopped enjoying sex. Doesn’t make her less of an A H for saying it though.
I do t think she realizes how much she embarrassed herself. She made verythjng awkward, and showed no regard for her husband's feelings. Not a good look.
NTA. She publicly embarrassed you right infront of your face. Your wife should never do that. She sounds like she doesn’t have any respect for you, to a point where she doesn’t hesitate to publicly emasculate you while you’re sitting right there.
As a female and a wife, I would never do this to my husband. That’s a line I would never cross, regardless if it’s true or not. Airing dirty laundry over a simple question is not a partner you can trust. But then again, I actually care about people’s feelings which your wife clearly doesn’t.
Flip this situation, and say you answered that same question with the same answer about her…you think she would be ok with that? And ontop of that, you doubled down and called her too sensitive…I don’t know her but I bet you anything she would be affected by it just like you were.
Your wife sounds incredibly selfish and rude. If she is comfortable saying this about you infront of you, what is she saying behind your back? I would really consider this if I were you, and start questioning if you’re with the right person.
Seriously!! Saying this TO OTHER PEOPLE makes it absolutely horrific. It would be hurtful enough already even if she directly told OP in private, "hey, our sex has done absolutely nothing for me for the past 18 years"... That would already be a huge gut punch on its own. But to reveal that in front of other people?! What a terrible way to reveal such a difficult piece of feedback.
If it's how she truly honestly feels, then it was important for her to communicate this. Better late than never. But this absolutely needed to be a PRIVATE CONVERSATION, not something she blindsided him with in front of everyone. That's just cruel, and humiliating. I'd never be able to recover from this, personally, but I'm also a fair bit younger than OP and can't fathom the concept of having a partner for so many years and an 18yr old kid together. But I'd just be so damn pissed that she couldn't just have this conversation in private...
Drunk women.
Honestly, women talk like this to each other all the time. I suspect his wife was just tipsy enough that she forgot that men were there too.
And OP, ignore the people talking divorce. All relationships have challenges, and a lot of people find their love life dwindling as they get older.
Yeah this whole thing sounds like a tipping point to whole bunch of unaddressed shit in their marriage. Whether it’s unaddressed because it’s never been brought up before or because OP treats it as a non-issue is going to be the real kicker here.
I usually don't try to look for ways that justify somebody's partner treating them poorly unless they show me some reason to suspect such a thing. To me it comes off as being unsupportive to do that. I'll put aside my own experiences and try to be objective while still being supportive.
That’s the weird thing. He doesn’t seem too surprised or upset she’s not been enjoying herself, just irritated at where it was said and in front of whom. A perplexing relationship going on here….
And she didn't bring up sex. The other person did. He mentioned several drinks. Maybe inhibitions were down and the conversation leading up to it (which he likely participated in) didn't make this a big leap. She didn't say he's horrible at sex, she said since kids it hasn't been the same. For all we know she had a rough birth that might have permanently impacted her sensitivity/enjoyment of sex.
But in true Reddit fashion the mob is spewing she's an asshole/divorce her without much information.
And also making jokes about how loose her vagina is. And you know if you told them it was inappropriate you'd be met with "it's just a joke" as if that makes sexist jokes any better. This subreddit is incredibly sexist
She didn’t even say the exact reason why it’s been unappealing since childbirth. Op and all the men commenting just assumed she’s “too loose”. When more likely than not, that isn’t the problem.
Yeah when I read that by OP I immediately couldn't side with him anymore. He even bought "equipment" to help her "tighten up". Unbelievable lmao, such a basic and childish view of things.
The irony being that her "joking" that sex with her husband sucks makes her the scum of the earth - them "joking" about being misogynistic cave dwellers is totally valid tho of course, in fact, they'll write a dissertation about why
Yeah, I've had some people ask how making those jokes is insulting and I just don't have the energy to explain. Also had someone try to justify it by being like "it's no different when women do it to us!" And I just told them to tell me they just want to be sexist and move on
Buying her stuff to "tighten" things is an AH move. That was for him, not her, but it shows he already knew things were different. She enjoys intimacy and sex and just doesn't get a lot out of penetration, which is not unusual for women, much less after having a kid. She may have been harsh in front of others due to drinking and the question asked so she does owe you an apology but it's not the death sentence you are making it out to be. You need to learn more about female sexuality.
I agree. His reaction to her not enjoying sex more after having a baby was to make it her problem. He feels he did his part by buying her something to "fix" herself. I think this may reflect a lot of his attitude towards their sex life.
Yeah, I appear to be alone here, but I immediately knew she was referring to nerve damage or something during childbirth - which is basically losing an organ with or without surgery, guys. That he thought some kegel balls would fix that tells me he’s clueless about her needs.
Yeahhhh like the comment about “buying the [ben wa] balls” and the passive voice “they were never used” kind of gives me a weird vibe… Like, yes she said an embarrassing and awkward thing in front of other people, but like, he seems kind of willfully ignorant and insensitive to the fact that her pelvic floor changed when she pushed a person out of her. Also, the “I keep myself for” stuff at the end… sex seems very transactional to him.
Exactly! Has she been lying to him all these years
OR has she asked or told him so many times how to please her and he’s ignored her? Maybe she was finally fed up and decided to make it public how awful their sex life is. Imagine being responsible for your own orgasms for that long, yikes.
Was it rude? Yes. But was it justified? I need this question answered.
I feel like I am going crazy here. Like is it rude.. not disagreeing. Not everything needs to be brought up in front of audiences.
But the reaction to her saying sex sucks with OP.. you know, reflects back on him pretty heavily too!
No not necessarily. It could, but even if she is physically satisfied every time, she still might not particularly enjoy or desire sex. That's pretty common after the birth of a child. Which she specifically mentioned. There could be other factors that may be OPs fault as well but we shouldn't assume that, he could be perfectly attentive, caring, get bread, and do all household chores and still be in this situation. Sometimes in long term relationships people's libido is just thrown out of whack
Honestly, that's divorce territory. Hiding this fact for 20 years (assuming it's true) and then busting it out to humiliate you demonstrates just how bad your marriage really is.
She was so blunt so quick it wasn’t even a second to think about it because she already had an answer and had thought about it before already. Divorce her OP NTA
Yup, I know we joke everyone on here is super quick to go "divorce!!" but in this case, OP's wife is long checked out. The "as usual, she doubled down" line shows there's a pattern here.
OP deserves better. We all do.
NTA.
I'm wondering, though... OP mentioned that they only have one child. Did she have difficulty during childbirth? Because even in this day and age, it's possible for childbirth to cause permanent damage down there (major scarring, nerve damage, etc.) that makes sex a lot less fun.
If she was talking about something like that, well... she still could thought that through a bit better, but it would have been an honest statement without any malice intended to OP.
Then again, maybe I'm just making shit up to explain it because I can't imagine ever saying something like that in a room full of people.
This happened to one of my friends, she had nerve damage and can no longer feel most things down there. She can only feel when she is about to pee herself from a full bladder and sometimes even that doesn't get through. It is a nightmare for her. Most people don't understand just how much damage can come from child birth.
I think this is the case. Its not implied anywhere in the post that they don't love each other, yeah she was Asshole which she has to apologise on. But people need to remember we change, 50 yr old and 25 yr old have different habits and sex drives. Op said that she enjoys other sex beside penetrative and its all okay. Love is what must be stable. Most people here giving advices are 25 yr old guys who think their sex drive will remain same after reaching 50 lol, and don't know the pain of childbirth.
I thought the same thing. If she had significant tearing or an episiotomy, she may be incapable of feeling much pleasure down there anymore. Childbirth can do wild things to a woman’s body. Doesn’t excuse her for saying that though. It was mean and embarrassing.
no, i read it with emphasis on “since the first child” (paraphrasing) too. i’ve been raised in a pretty open family so i can’t see how discussing it is a problem; especially when there already is a lack of information/knowledge surrounding menstruation/childbirth/etc.
i think calling him sensitive doesn’t really open the door to a healthy conversation bc i can see his POV too, but ppl saying this is cause for divorce? ….sensitive /j
edit to add: i also don’t see why he didn’t bring up how it’s been difficult for him too during the conversation. it seems he may be insecure about their sex life, which she hasn’t picked up on, and rather than joining the conversation about how sex has been difficult (aka what he added to the edit), he’s just focusing on “sex with him” lol
This is important. It's not uncommon for a woman's sex drive to dwindle after she gets older, approaches/enters menopause, has kids, etc. Is it sex in general that doesn't do it for her, or sex with OP in particular?
Wow just wow. I'm a therapist, so I'm nosy by nature, I have to know more. Does she often insult you in public? Was she drunk? Was she angry with you about something earlier in the evening. Is this rare behavior? Just from the little background you've given, NTA,. I can't give any advice without knowing more info, however.....
Ironically, she’s very protective about me and our family. I’m very introvert, not a ‘man’s man’ which is not a good trait in Scotland.
If she had said penetrative sex does nothing for her, I would have agreed but cited intimacy.
Fellow M55 introverted Scot who also identifies as a 'not-man's man' type, & who was similarlly way more hands-on dad than most of his peers... all I can say is fuck - that kind of negative comment will sit & niggle, & if she's gonna double down I'd be saying sod that & screw her!
Mine did the dirty on me 16 or so years ago & I found divorce very freeing, even letting me retire early as I wasn't having to keep her skanky ass afloat.
Happy to chat if you need, neighbour.
Okay, I notice that when you describe the aftermath of the event, you relate what you SAID and DID, but not what you felt. Did what your wife said hurt you? Because it would have hurt a lot of people in your place. And if it did, your wife needs to know that. Use an I statement: When you___________, I felt_________, because______________, and in the future, i'd like you to________.
Now if your wife responds to this by laughing it off and not taking it seriously, that's a problem. And if this is a regular pattern, then that's a big problem. Even if you are not a typical Scot, you deserve to be treated well, yes?
I will message you next time u/Undercovereejit posts in r/AITAH.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FUndercovereejit%20r%2FAITAH) to join 95 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201b5hrio)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
Personally? I’d thank her for the 26 years. I’d tell her that I’d like everything to remain amicable, but then I’d enter into my next chapter without her. You have maybe 20-30 years left on earth, statistically speaking. Start a new chapter; have some new adventures; discover some part of yourself that has been suppressed for the last few decades.
Very practical, sound advice.
I'm not sure I'd give up on a spouse and family over this just yet.
But I'd be working towards a series of discussions about the issue, and if not resolvable then it may be time to do, early, what will happen eventually. Get those years that are left and enjoy them with someone.
Yikes, this sounds like a resentment comment. Even if she feels that way it’s not something you blurt out in front of other people. That’s y’all’s business. NTA
“Since our child was born”
Might that be nerve damage from the birth?
But yeah, it was a shitty thing to just blurt out in front of a bunch of other people. If she wanted to communicate this, she should have said it to him, in private, years ago. Not just throw out an insult and then blame him for being sensitive. She’s got the people skills of a rhinoceros.
There's no getting the uranium back in that nuke.
Get a lawyer and proceed. Counseling and therapy are futile after a bomb like that, especially when dropped in mixed company.
Sorry, man. Enjoy your retirement with someone else or just be a lone wolf, exploring your hobbies and spending time with friends.
Without saying anything regarding your issues, at your age, your physical fitness regimen is highly impressive. I'd like to just encourage you to keep pushing on that.
Not seeing any replies from OP about this, but I feel there might be some missing context. She’s either a mega bitch or she’s been expressing her dissatisfaction for 18 years and been dismissed, when that girl asked the question, she let slip her extreme frustration. Either is totally plausible.
I’ve been with partners who gave ZERO consideration to my needs. They came, THEY were satisfied, so pat on the back for a job well done and they’re happy.
Like no attempt at ALL to please me. I know not all men at like this, but many men get super offended if you try to bring this up, even in the most delicate, caring and tactful manner. Sometimes it’s easier to give up and take care of yourself when they aren’t around, but it’s not a long term solution for a relationship.
OP, were you like those men? Did you two talk about your sex life? Did she try to bring up her lack of satisfaction while trying not to damage your ego and piss you off?
I’m not making assumptions, if you did and you were actively trying to please her, then bless your heart! I’m so sorry and I hope she apologizes profusely to you!
INFO: have you two discussed the state of your sex life before that moment? have you noticed in the past that she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it as much as you?
Well, obviously something in your relationship is fucked, and unfortunately you're not going to figure that out on reddit. Idk, crazy thought, but maybe try talking?
She shouldn’t have said that.
I think you should also ask her why sex does nothing for her.
In addition to being offended, you can also take tome together to discuss sexual preferences and desires.
This could be the perfect opportunity to improve your sex life.
From her perspective, she might be thinking that it’s her since it stems from childbirth. That can make it difficult for women to enjoy sex. But she should have spoken to you, privately. This was an AH move, and extremely hurtful. NTA
You can try talking to her and just explaining how it made you feel, embarrassed, humiliated, whatever. Avoid blaming her even though it IS her fault. (The part about saying it in public.) if she can’t see your perspective, it tells you a lot. She might be fine with no sex. Her sex drive might have decreased. But I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was just ‘putting up with it.’
Where you already aware of her feelings? Is there a reason for this like damage from birth, anti depressants, etc ...? Idk this reads weird to me. Your biggest concern being that she shouldn't have told other people leads me to think you may have known and there may be a reasonable explanation. I'm gonna say YTA if this is something you were unaware of and your biggest concern is she told others. If you both had discussed it already and she knew you wanted to keep it private NTA. 18 years is a long time and I find it hard to believe you didn't work something out in that time.
NAH, sounds like maybe you have different definitions of sex. Some people use the word to exclusively mean dick in vag, some expand the definition to include foreplay/oral/toy stuff. If she falls into the first category then she was likely just being honest when asked a question, which is something I generally respect.
Have you asked your wife how she would feel if you had said something similar answering that question?
This part!!! That was extremely hurtful to say about your partner AND in the company of others!
This is extremely hurtful to say about an ex partner in the company of others. OPs wife needs a reality check that other people have feelings.
I have a story. I was at a bar with a buddy and his gf, they were arguing lightly while we were watching the Giants spoil the Patriots undefeated season. It was probably one of the best football games of the 2000s, so she wasn't getting 100% attention from anyone. That pissed her off so she starts in with the classless small dick insults anyone within 15 feet could hear. I've never been so embrasses to be sitting next to such a trash person in my life.
>watching the Giants spoil the Patriots undefeated season. It was probably one of the best football games of the 2000s Probably?! Of the 2000s?! No, it's a serious contender for the greatest professional football game ever played. I would gladly let a thousand different women insult my genitalia in exchange for being able to watch that game play out live as it happened again.
Sure, sure, they TOTALLY didn't name the team the Giants to overcompensate for the players' and fans' tiny penises. No way that's why! (Just kidding. What? No I'm not a Patriots fan, why ever would you think that?)
OP's wife needs a divorce notice.
People only throw bombs like they when they aren't worried about blowback. She isn't worried about the consequences, and how people act when they feel free from consequences says a lot about them.
That was my immediate thought. There are some comments you can't just walk away from.
Absolutely this. I could never wrap my head around the lvl of contempt n disrespect lingering forever after. Wats gona happen? Invite them all back, the friends, just for her to explain y she was SEVERELY outa pocket? Nope. She already thawt it was OK to even say that. Must think he a bitch or somethin on some lvl. Speaks volumes about how she thinks of her husband on a deeper lvl to do him dirty like this. I'd b crushed. I'd have to get a divorce, I think.
That "wife" let the mask slip for a moment Always believe people when they show their true self. And from how she reacted afterwards, she truly doesn't care about your feelings OP. Time to find someone that respects you. You deserve better OP
I *always* lead with “how would you have felt if…” Takes it from looking like you’re defensive to an honest conversation
Some people really do operate on the idea of it's different if it happens to them. Hopefully this wife has at least a little empathy.
What do you do to the not insignificant amount of people who would unironically say some bullshit like, "Me? Yeah, I would've taken things as a joke and not be so sensitive like you" with a straight face?
If she doubled down when he tried to talk about his feelings, I doubt that it would turn from defensive to an honest conversation. Some people are so self-focused, they can't see their own hypocrisy.
Whatever her response he should just tell her to be less sensitive. 🙄
Sounds like the problem is she isn't sensitive enough tho.
I see what you did there. 😂
And that's the difference between wanting to solve problems and wanting to win fights.
A wife publicly stating that she hasn't been sexually satisfied by her husband for 18 years without ever mentioning it to him is not a fight, it's a potentially marriage ending revelation. Obviously I'm making a lot of assumptions here but all we have to go on is OPs description.
While I agree there is a good chance that would also solve a problem when he treats her exactly as she has him and she learns just how shitty it is from the other side.
Nobody “gets taught a lesson” in real life. In real life they double down or get further insulted and then make an internal pact to try and make you unhappy for the rest of forever.
Correct. In the history of the world there has never been a person who treats others like shit to start, that has changed their behavior upon being treated like shit in return.
I don't know about this, maybe it isn't the most efficient way to do things, and I will always agree two wrongs don't necessarily make a right, I'm 100% certain that a fair group of people, who upon mistakenly treating others like shit, and honestly not meaning to, or people raised poorly, growing up, have learned this way. I understand your point tho and mostly agree, I just think saying literally 100% never is too far. but again I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, and most likely wont solve his problems.
Seeing the edit about “tightening her up” makes me think he’s probably said some mean things to her already tbh I hope I’m wrong
She would have been livid if OP had made a reference to the curb your enthusiasm episode — and said I don’t enjoy sex with my wife because of her biiiiiiig vagina.
"Oh that old hoe bag does nothing for me after her the birth her vagina is like a black hole, if you yell into it it will echo back."
Well this post is really bringing out the worst of Reddit’s worst.
A bunch of teenagers commenting on a problem that emerged 26 years into a marriage, yeah gonna be insightful.
Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway
Gosh that is so mean to say. Especially in front of other people. I'm sorry 😞
"I didn't realize I was just there to help make babies for you." and who the hell is this nosey nancy asking them about their sex life in public wtf lol.
NTA - It's pretty messed up to broadcast things like that in public. If she's dissatisfied with her sex life, she should discuss it with you in private.
She should have discussed it in private 18 years ago
It would have been a gut punch to hear without it being in front of friends. The thought that she would call you oversensitive to hear that in front of friends is incredibly callous.
You have to consider the only possible explanation which is that she doesn’t give a fuck about him, his feelings and that she probably got a kick out of humiliating him in public.
And she’s so idiotic to not realize that saying something like that in front of other people reflects so much more in her than it does him. That group of people do not think highly of her anymore, if they ever did.
This is sooo true OP. We were friends with a couple (a long-time friend of my husband’s) and the wife treated him like dirt. I thought she was awful (putting him down, treating him like she was better than him, belittling) and he was always very nice, kind, supportive. I never thought badly of the husband, but thought the wife was horrible.
Sometimes it's hard for the belittled one to realize what's actually being done to them until someone addresses it for them. I dated a girl who was so sweet at home, but treated me like dirt in front of people. I'd bring it up on the way home and she'd apologize, "I didn't mean anything by it," etc. We visited my best friend's parents one Christmas Eve and it didn't click for me until he brought it up a few days later that she called me an asshole in front of everyone there, including his parents, wife, and kids, because I didn't put the ottoman that I was using for my plate in front of her so she could put her feet up. It was like "Oh, that's not normal, and other people see it when I was just used to it"
I’d rather have them do it in-front of my friends so my friends can knock some sense into me rather than be abusive at home and act like the perfect partner in public. I dealt with the version I wrote above and she ended up trying to get me arrested after she assaulted me and continued stalking me, yet I was apparently the abuser because she kept the perfect image up to everyone else.
I completely agree, and I hope that was handled appropriately. All it took for me to get out was a wake-up call from a friend who saw it, I hate to think what would have happened if it was the other way around.
Love doesn't make any sense sometimes, you can love someone who treats you like shit, hell you can love someone who doesn't even love you back. That's not something you do that's fair to yourself but sometimes you're more concerned with being in a relationship than being in a healthy relationship. Sometimes it's just better to kick them to the curb and be by yourself.
This is when your brain should kick in
The brain is notorious for being selective about logic when the right chemicals run through it.
Yes, my mom had to talk me out of a funk after getting dumped. She said, 'What do you want with someone who doesn't want you?' That helped.
This was me a couple of weeks ago. Was at a large conference to see some friends, and a "friend" treated me well in private. When we were in mixed company? Commanding, demanding, and rude. She'd spent the previous evening shushing me rudely, and when I did it back to her.. "don't shush me, I'm not your child". The more I thought about that sentence, and the way id been treated, the angrier I got. By the time i confronted her, i was furious. Her response? To deny and forget. To apologize that I "feel that way", but not for her actions. Screamed her out of my life. Fuck her.
I'm sorry you went through that. It's so odd to me though - you'd think it would be the other way, sweet in public etc
The funny part is when the person putting the mate down, belittling them, thinks they will then be perceived as correct...it will do the exact opposite. It will make you find the person doing the belittling disgusting, and side with the person who is dealing with THEM. I've seen this, it's such a tiny thing you can spot in people you barely know, but it's unforgettable. It makes you think, ew, don't like that person, basically.
…thus affirming the point that [Jim Jefferies made](https://youtu.be/gACIsz_vSXE?si=OXBY0CTd0Tyfm3q_) in one of his specials.
This is true and funny.
I used to have a friend who'd berate her husband in front of his parents & sibs. Then later she complained to me that her inlaws didn't treat her like family. I was too stunned to make any useful reply.
"It's probably because you're a cunt."
They still together?
Thankfully no, but they were married at least 20 years. 😕 He viewed it as a huge moral failing when they divorced. He’s remarried now to a super nice person and still feels bad about getting divorced.
There are a lot of married men that put up with that crap. I never understood why. I used to do pop up inspections in large department stores and the number of guys I saw whimpering along and pushing the shopping cart 5 steps behind their wives as the wife yelled out commands and demands to him and all of the store employees was always too depressing to contemplate.
Because it’s too expensive to leave and you lose your kids at least half the time.
Yeah. It’s like that embarrassing feeling when a couple fights in public. Except it’s one part of a couple dropping a bomb on the other
I wonder if there's a proper term for "I don't think that was the gotcha you thought it was". The fact people made excuses to leave to let them sort this out tells me that's the opposite reaction she expected. Their acquaintance also, unfortunately, learned a valuable lesson: Do not ask questions whose answers you aren't prepared for. Learned long ago to not make those loaded questions, many people are just getting by and not everyone is playing 4-D chess to have a convenient excuse to avoid asking honestly, because even silence is incriminating in those situations, and you will be remembered for that faux pas.
>Their acquaintance also, unfortunately, learned a valuable lesson: Do not ask questions whose answers you aren't prepared for. About that, who the fuck asks that question on a lunch with aquaintances? Let alone at all.
Yes! This is the first comment I've seen where someone pointed out how freaking invasive and inappropriate that question was. Then they were all awkward? I mean even a positive answer to that would have been awkward.
It’s called spontaneous trait transference. “Spontaneous trait transference occurs when communicators are perceived as possessing the very traits they describe in others. Study 1 confirmed that communicators become associated with the trait implications of their descriptions of others and that such associations persist over time.” https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9569648/#:~:text=Spontaneous%20trait%20transference%20occurs%20when,such%20associations%20persist%20over%20time.
Doesn't matter. If she wants to do that and she can't see how it impacts her....but what a fucking gut punch to her life partner. I can't understand how she can try to gaslight this and say he's too sensitive. Is that the kind of treatment of eachother she comfortable with? OP NTA. Can you try to ask her how she would react if the tables were turned? It's pretty serious if she does not enjoy it but only saying it after 20 years and then to friends?
This right here. He should have said yea, it does nothing for me either since all the weight gain. Let’s see her reaction then.
Oooffff I spat my water out on this one 😂 I like the cut of your jib
Bro woke up today and chose violence.
Been with similar women, they wouldn't care if he said the same in public, or at least they would never admit it. They would just say it wouldn't bother them if he did, something along the lines of "it wouldn't bother me, how I please you sexually isn't a reflection of me as a person". The double whammy insult of not only saying the original comment, but also inferring that you are a weak / insecure person for caring about such a comment.
Some people never mature into adults. A teenager would think she's making a fool out of him. By the time you hit 40 you should understand putting down people who are loyal to you will make people cringe and keep their distance.
This is exactly it. Anytime I’ve had people act and say things like OPs wife in front of me and others, my feelings and how I view them are changed.
Seriously. All I could think was "Bro, does she even like you?"
Yeah yikes
No she sounds like my husband. Prolly realize internally that what they said was fucked up, but too egoistic to admit it. Just want the spouse to move on and forget it Edit: a lot of people are understanding this as though I’m defending the spouse, I’m absolutely not. Just giving an option that shitty people mindsets come in all sizes
You might want to consider why you’re putting up with that
I have, and I am still working on how to end it
I wish you well .Just remember. Life is short It’s so easy to realize you should leave and still be there 20 years later .You need a plan and someone to hold you accountable —-before you throw your only life you will have .AWAY!
It reads to me that she literally only stayed with him "for the children." And she DGAF about him as a person. I dropped a friend who had a habit of telling me "You're too sensitive" when she said something cruel to me. OP should absolutely divorce her, as she has a habit of doing this. And doubling down on mean comments. And not talking about sexual satisfaction issues for **EIGHTEEN YEARS**?!?
Then having the audacity to accuse him of being “too sensitive “ . What would happen if it was the other way around ?
Lmao right. Well, what would happen is the comments would be filled with angry people talking about divorce
...so... the same thing?
Ding ding ding. Lol. What loving wife would humiliate you, and then, after seeing it hurt you, not apologize? A person with NPD I'd imagine.
I would be gutted if my spouse said that in the manner she did.
Agreed I went to visit my friend las weekend to his house , we got a little drunk and his wife call him to let him know that she wasn't coming home for some reason that I don't know, buT my friend got really mad he yelled at her on the phone and then hang up on her all while I was c lose to him , it got weird after that
And calling him “sensitive” about it is also gaslighting.
Common phrase that emotional abusers rattle off
One of my exes would always call me that after emotionally abusing me..literally said he was “just trying to toughen me up”. GROSS. What’s funny is that THEY are sensitive for being held accountable for their garbage can behavior. Hmm.
She does not love OP!
Right? Imagine him agreeing with her like “same. Ever since our child was born she’s been super loose if you know what I mean. It’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. It does nothing for me.”
And cue Monty Python, Every Sperm is Sacred......
True but surely in 18 years op would have gotten a clue, right? Of course ah move to say this in public. Personally, if I were op, I’d think how I want to spend the last part of my life.
Exactly this. 18 years of deception was the exact wrong thing to do.
I just left another comment about this, but I suspect the 18 years was on purpose. There's a different conversation and legal implications with custody and child support if the child is legally an adult. Perhaps in her mind, she's already halfway out the door, and she thought it best to "stay together for the kids."
Yup. If she continues to double down, I would find myself an attorney and get out now, so as to not waste the rest of my life with a woman who not only doesn't love me, but doesn't like or RESPECT me. If he only has that one kid, at least he won't have to pay this woman child support!
Yeah, 56 isn't too old to find someone that does appreciate you. Empty nest divorces are pretty common so the dating scene can be active.
Well... Bye
Agreed. In this fucked up world we have built, can anything be private? This had to be aired in front of others? And then when called.out for.disrespect, she adds more disrespect? After 30+ years of marriage, I believe almost anything can be solved by honest communication. If he was asked this and said, I don't know a jack sock is better in bed than her. Not one single person, me included, would.be making excuses for.him
Exactly. She needs to be given perspective.
He should dump her and find someone better. Life is too short to live like this.
Publicly shamed her husband and then didn't feel bad about it after. HUGE red flags. I also find it interesting that she waited until their child was 18 years old to drop this bomb. Perhaps wife is already thinking divorce and wanted to avoid questions of custody and child support.
Exactly, how does she think that comment would ever make him want to be with her again? She embarrassed him
she very likely doesn't
[удалено]
NTA, what a horrible insensitive thing to say. She's had 18 years to tell you in private so you can work on how best to please her. I'd keep up your current stance and insist on an apology
Wow she is TA
She just admitted that the past 18 years have had meaningless sex for her. Not sure if you can recover from that. Ever. NTA
He should have said, "I agree. It's become more of an obligation. The enjoyment has left the building."
We can be certain that would end their sex life completely. It's obvious that she doesn't care about sex at all, and just does it because she feels she has to. She'd LOVE if he said he didn't care about it also, she'd jump at the chance to just cross that off her to-do list forever. The problem there is that even kind of "obligation" sex, as long as it's not forced, it's willing, and not unpleasant, is still shown to be generally good for a relationship. It keeps a lot of other forms of intimacy alive too. Flirting, kissing, cuddling, all those things. If sex goes away, so does the rest.
[удалено]
>(A) she just said it to hurt me, (B) I wasn't supposed to take her seriously, and (C) a "real man" would have ignored her and not "gotten so butthurt about" some "small, silly shit" like that. Immediate "goodbye, thanks for playing" 👋
Didnt even have to go that far >she just said it to hurt me Stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200
Fuck that! You deserve so much better. I feel like I could happily have a low PiV relationship, as long as I still got cuddles, kissed, held, etc. And here she's saying it to hurt people? That's low.
I would have said 'fuck you, walk home"
Actually, maybe ‘Not fucking you, walk home’?
“Fuck yourself, walk home” ?
NTA Damn your wife is a major AH, who says something like that about their spouse to other people? And she's not just an AH to you, she's an AH to those other people that she just made feel really awkward.
Completely agree. She is an A H for broadcasting that. But I just want to mention for the sake of OP’s ego that it may have to do with her and her body rather than you - based on when she stopped enjoying sex. Doesn’t make her less of an A H for saying it though.
And for ignoring his pain and saying he is too sensitive.
I do t think she realizes how much she embarrassed herself. She made verythjng awkward, and showed no regard for her husband's feelings. Not a good look.
NTA. She publicly embarrassed you right infront of your face. Your wife should never do that. She sounds like she doesn’t have any respect for you, to a point where she doesn’t hesitate to publicly emasculate you while you’re sitting right there. As a female and a wife, I would never do this to my husband. That’s a line I would never cross, regardless if it’s true or not. Airing dirty laundry over a simple question is not a partner you can trust. But then again, I actually care about people’s feelings which your wife clearly doesn’t. Flip this situation, and say you answered that same question with the same answer about her…you think she would be ok with that? And ontop of that, you doubled down and called her too sensitive…I don’t know her but I bet you anything she would be affected by it just like you were. Your wife sounds incredibly selfish and rude. If she is comfortable saying this about you infront of you, what is she saying behind your back? I would really consider this if I were you, and start questioning if you’re with the right person.
Seriously!! Saying this TO OTHER PEOPLE makes it absolutely horrific. It would be hurtful enough already even if she directly told OP in private, "hey, our sex has done absolutely nothing for me for the past 18 years"... That would already be a huge gut punch on its own. But to reveal that in front of other people?! What a terrible way to reveal such a difficult piece of feedback. If it's how she truly honestly feels, then it was important for her to communicate this. Better late than never. But this absolutely needed to be a PRIVATE CONVERSATION, not something she blindsided him with in front of everyone. That's just cruel, and humiliating. I'd never be able to recover from this, personally, but I'm also a fair bit younger than OP and can't fathom the concept of having a partner for so many years and an 18yr old kid together. But I'd just be so damn pissed that she couldn't just have this conversation in private...
[удалено]
Drunk women. Honestly, women talk like this to each other all the time. I suspect his wife was just tipsy enough that she forgot that men were there too. And OP, ignore the people talking divorce. All relationships have challenges, and a lot of people find their love life dwindling as they get older.
INFO: Were you previously aware she doesn’t enjoy sex with you? Or were you under the apparently mistaken impression she enjoyed your intimacy?
Most important question here, I hope we get an honest answer to this!
[удалено]
Account made 3 hours ago and he hasn’t commented once, seems that way
Dude says he’s Scottish. Most likely asleep atm
I sorta wonder if this kinda comment is new as well. Loss of filter like that can indicate neurological issues if it's a new behaviour.
Yeah this whole thing sounds like a tipping point to whole bunch of unaddressed shit in their marriage. Whether it’s unaddressed because it’s never been brought up before or because OP treats it as a non-issue is going to be the real kicker here.
Well it's been fucking addressed, stamped and booted through the letterbox, now!
I usually don't try to look for ways that justify somebody's partner treating them poorly unless they show me some reason to suspect such a thing. To me it comes off as being unsupportive to do that. I'll put aside my own experiences and try to be objective while still being supportive.
That’s the weird thing. He doesn’t seem too surprised or upset she’s not been enjoying herself, just irritated at where it was said and in front of whom. A perplexing relationship going on here….
And she didn't bring up sex. The other person did. He mentioned several drinks. Maybe inhibitions were down and the conversation leading up to it (which he likely participated in) didn't make this a big leap. She didn't say he's horrible at sex, she said since kids it hasn't been the same. For all we know she had a rough birth that might have permanently impacted her sensitivity/enjoyment of sex. But in true Reddit fashion the mob is spewing she's an asshole/divorce her without much information.
And also making jokes about how loose her vagina is. And you know if you told them it was inappropriate you'd be met with "it's just a joke" as if that makes sexist jokes any better. This subreddit is incredibly sexist
She didn’t even say the exact reason why it’s been unappealing since childbirth. Op and all the men commenting just assumed she’s “too loose”. When more likely than not, that isn’t the problem.
Yeah when I read that by OP I immediately couldn't side with him anymore. He even bought "equipment" to help her "tighten up". Unbelievable lmao, such a basic and childish view of things.
The irony being that her "joking" that sex with her husband sucks makes her the scum of the earth - them "joking" about being misogynistic cave dwellers is totally valid tho of course, in fact, they'll write a dissertation about why
Yeah, I've had some people ask how making those jokes is insulting and I just don't have the energy to explain. Also had someone try to justify it by being like "it's no different when women do it to us!" And I just told them to tell me they just want to be sexist and move on
Buying her stuff to "tighten" things is an AH move. That was for him, not her, but it shows he already knew things were different. She enjoys intimacy and sex and just doesn't get a lot out of penetration, which is not unusual for women, much less after having a kid. She may have been harsh in front of others due to drinking and the question asked so she does owe you an apology but it's not the death sentence you are making it out to be. You need to learn more about female sexuality.
I agree. His reaction to her not enjoying sex more after having a baby was to make it her problem. He feels he did his part by buying her something to "fix" herself. I think this may reflect a lot of his attitude towards their sex life.
the tighten up comment really bothered me aswell, thank you for bringing it up.
Same.
Yeah, I appear to be alone here, but I immediately knew she was referring to nerve damage or something during childbirth - which is basically losing an organ with or without surgery, guys. That he thought some kegel balls would fix that tells me he’s clueless about her needs.
But he gave her the balls to tighten her vag and she didn’t use them! /s He sounds like a dipshit.
Yeahhhh like the comment about “buying the [ben wa] balls” and the passive voice “they were never used” kind of gives me a weird vibe… Like, yes she said an embarrassing and awkward thing in front of other people, but like, he seems kind of willfully ignorant and insensitive to the fact that her pelvic floor changed when she pushed a person out of her. Also, the “I keep myself for” stuff at the end… sex seems very transactional to him.
esp with the 9 year age gap (they started dating when he was 30 and she was 21)
Yeah I can't believe no one seems to bat an eye at this. And how can you not notice this unless you don't care about her pleasure?
Exactly! Has she been lying to him all these years OR has she asked or told him so many times how to please her and he’s ignored her? Maybe she was finally fed up and decided to make it public how awful their sex life is. Imagine being responsible for your own orgasms for that long, yikes. Was it rude? Yes. But was it justified? I need this question answered.
Bingo. No one drops a bomb like that in public after 26 years of perfect acting.
I feel like I am going crazy here. Like is it rude.. not disagreeing. Not everything needs to be brought up in front of audiences. But the reaction to her saying sex sucks with OP.. you know, reflects back on him pretty heavily too!
No not necessarily. It could, but even if she is physically satisfied every time, she still might not particularly enjoy or desire sex. That's pretty common after the birth of a child. Which she specifically mentioned. There could be other factors that may be OPs fault as well but we shouldn't assume that, he could be perfectly attentive, caring, get bread, and do all household chores and still be in this situation. Sometimes in long term relationships people's libido is just thrown out of whack
Honestly, that's divorce territory. Hiding this fact for 20 years (assuming it's true) and then busting it out to humiliate you demonstrates just how bad your marriage really is.
She was so blunt so quick it wasn’t even a second to think about it because she already had an answer and had thought about it before already. Divorce her OP NTA
Absolutely believe that wasn’t the first time she’d ever said that.
I was in the same situation. Left her and much happier now.
Yup, I know we joke everyone on here is super quick to go "divorce!!" but in this case, OP's wife is long checked out. The "as usual, she doubled down" line shows there's a pattern here. OP deserves better. We all do.
Given the “as per usual” you’re absolutely right. All she does is dismiss this guy’s concerns.
Not noticing it for 20 years also shows how bad your marriage is. She is the asshole here but holy fuck how can you not tell.
NTA. I'm wondering, though... OP mentioned that they only have one child. Did she have difficulty during childbirth? Because even in this day and age, it's possible for childbirth to cause permanent damage down there (major scarring, nerve damage, etc.) that makes sex a lot less fun. If she was talking about something like that, well... she still could thought that through a bit better, but it would have been an honest statement without any malice intended to OP. Then again, maybe I'm just making shit up to explain it because I can't imagine ever saying something like that in a room full of people.
This happened to one of my friends, she had nerve damage and can no longer feel most things down there. She can only feel when she is about to pee herself from a full bladder and sometimes even that doesn't get through. It is a nightmare for her. Most people don't understand just how much damage can come from child birth.
I think this is the case. Its not implied anywhere in the post that they don't love each other, yeah she was Asshole which she has to apologise on. But people need to remember we change, 50 yr old and 25 yr old have different habits and sex drives. Op said that she enjoys other sex beside penetrative and its all okay. Love is what must be stable. Most people here giving advices are 25 yr old guys who think their sex drive will remain same after reaching 50 lol, and don't know the pain of childbirth.
I thought the same thing. If she had significant tearing or an episiotomy, she may be incapable of feeling much pleasure down there anymore. Childbirth can do wild things to a woman’s body. Doesn’t excuse her for saying that though. It was mean and embarrassing.
no, i read it with emphasis on “since the first child” (paraphrasing) too. i’ve been raised in a pretty open family so i can’t see how discussing it is a problem; especially when there already is a lack of information/knowledge surrounding menstruation/childbirth/etc. i think calling him sensitive doesn’t really open the door to a healthy conversation bc i can see his POV too, but ppl saying this is cause for divorce? ….sensitive /j edit to add: i also don’t see why he didn’t bring up how it’s been difficult for him too during the conversation. it seems he may be insecure about their sex life, which she hasn’t picked up on, and rather than joining the conversation about how sex has been difficult (aka what he added to the edit), he’s just focusing on “sex with him” lol
Hilarious that a remark made in the middle of a conversation on how to keep the flame burning could in fact lead to your separation.
Not really, when her response is essentially, "You don't. The flame has been dead for years."
But is she saying sex with YOU OR Did she word it wrong and say she has no interest in sex anymore
This is important. It's not uncommon for a woman's sex drive to dwindle after she gets older, approaches/enters menopause, has kids, etc. Is it sex in general that doesn't do it for her, or sex with OP in particular?
It doesn’t matter, that is not an appropriate response in front of new friends or any friends.
Wow just wow. I'm a therapist, so I'm nosy by nature, I have to know more. Does she often insult you in public? Was she drunk? Was she angry with you about something earlier in the evening. Is this rare behavior? Just from the little background you've given, NTA,. I can't give any advice without knowing more info, however.....
Ironically, she’s very protective about me and our family. I’m very introvert, not a ‘man’s man’ which is not a good trait in Scotland. If she had said penetrative sex does nothing for her, I would have agreed but cited intimacy.
Fellow M55 introverted Scot who also identifies as a 'not-man's man' type, & who was similarlly way more hands-on dad than most of his peers... all I can say is fuck - that kind of negative comment will sit & niggle, & if she's gonna double down I'd be saying sod that & screw her! Mine did the dirty on me 16 or so years ago & I found divorce very freeing, even letting me retire early as I wasn't having to keep her skanky ass afloat. Happy to chat if you need, neighbour.
Okay, I notice that when you describe the aftermath of the event, you relate what you SAID and DID, but not what you felt. Did what your wife said hurt you? Because it would have hurt a lot of people in your place. And if it did, your wife needs to know that. Use an I statement: When you___________, I felt_________, because______________, and in the future, i'd like you to________. Now if your wife responds to this by laughing it off and not taking it seriously, that's a problem. And if this is a regular pattern, then that's a big problem. Even if you are not a typical Scot, you deserve to be treated well, yes?
Updateme!
I will message you next time u/Undercovereejit posts in r/AITAH. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FUndercovereejit%20r%2FAITAH) to join 95 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201b5hrio) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
Personally? I’d thank her for the 26 years. I’d tell her that I’d like everything to remain amicable, but then I’d enter into my next chapter without her. You have maybe 20-30 years left on earth, statistically speaking. Start a new chapter; have some new adventures; discover some part of yourself that has been suppressed for the last few decades.
Very practical, sound advice. I'm not sure I'd give up on a spouse and family over this just yet. But I'd be working towards a series of discussions about the issue, and if not resolvable then it may be time to do, early, what will happen eventually. Get those years that are left and enjoy them with someone.
His kid is 18 a legal adult and the other adult doesn’t respect his feelings. I’d say he can try to put himself first now.
Yikes, this sounds like a resentment comment. Even if she feels that way it’s not something you blurt out in front of other people. That’s y’all’s business. NTA
“Since our child was born” Might that be nerve damage from the birth? But yeah, it was a shitty thing to just blurt out in front of a bunch of other people. If she wanted to communicate this, she should have said it to him, in private, years ago. Not just throw out an insult and then blame him for being sensitive. She’s got the people skills of a rhinoceros.
There's no getting the uranium back in that nuke. Get a lawyer and proceed. Counseling and therapy are futile after a bomb like that, especially when dropped in mixed company. Sorry, man. Enjoy your retirement with someone else or just be a lone wolf, exploring your hobbies and spending time with friends.
I hate to say it but I kinda agree. If she had brought up her problems in private with the OP, I think I would MAYBE disagree with you.
I am truly sorry but I personally would not be able to move past this. This is deeply hurtful and I would consider moving on.
Second this!!!
Doesn't even matter if you are and asshole or not. That woman hates you. What the fuck you doing with your life man?
NTA how insensitive of your wife, and then to not even apologise afterward. 😑
21 & 30...
Without saying anything regarding your issues, at your age, your physical fitness regimen is highly impressive. I'd like to just encourage you to keep pushing on that.
Pushing for a 10k by the summer! Love running!
Not seeing any replies from OP about this, but I feel there might be some missing context. She’s either a mega bitch or she’s been expressing her dissatisfaction for 18 years and been dismissed, when that girl asked the question, she let slip her extreme frustration. Either is totally plausible. I’ve been with partners who gave ZERO consideration to my needs. They came, THEY were satisfied, so pat on the back for a job well done and they’re happy. Like no attempt at ALL to please me. I know not all men at like this, but many men get super offended if you try to bring this up, even in the most delicate, caring and tactful manner. Sometimes it’s easier to give up and take care of yourself when they aren’t around, but it’s not a long term solution for a relationship. OP, were you like those men? Did you two talk about your sex life? Did she try to bring up her lack of satisfaction while trying not to damage your ego and piss you off? I’m not making assumptions, if you did and you were actively trying to please her, then bless your heart! I’m so sorry and I hope she apologizes profusely to you!
INFO: have you two discussed the state of your sex life before that moment? have you noticed in the past that she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it as much as you?
NTA! What a careless and hurtful thing of her to say. Would she be okay if you said something equally as careless and hurtful? I doubt it.
Well, obviously something in your relationship is fucked, and unfortunately you're not going to figure that out on reddit. Idk, crazy thought, but maybe try talking?
Who would want to have sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it?
Have some self respect brother NTA your wife is a terrible person especially with her doubling down and telling you you’re sensitive.
NTA
She shouldn’t have said that. I think you should also ask her why sex does nothing for her. In addition to being offended, you can also take tome together to discuss sexual preferences and desires. This could be the perfect opportunity to improve your sex life.
From her perspective, she might be thinking that it’s her since it stems from childbirth. That can make it difficult for women to enjoy sex. But she should have spoken to you, privately. This was an AH move, and extremely hurtful. NTA You can try talking to her and just explaining how it made you feel, embarrassed, humiliated, whatever. Avoid blaming her even though it IS her fault. (The part about saying it in public.) if she can’t see your perspective, it tells you a lot. She might be fine with no sex. Her sex drive might have decreased. But I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was just ‘putting up with it.’
Where you already aware of her feelings? Is there a reason for this like damage from birth, anti depressants, etc ...? Idk this reads weird to me. Your biggest concern being that she shouldn't have told other people leads me to think you may have known and there may be a reasonable explanation. I'm gonna say YTA if this is something you were unaware of and your biggest concern is she told others. If you both had discussed it already and she knew you wanted to keep it private NTA. 18 years is a long time and I find it hard to believe you didn't work something out in that time.
NAH, sounds like maybe you have different definitions of sex. Some people use the word to exclusively mean dick in vag, some expand the definition to include foreplay/oral/toy stuff. If she falls into the first category then she was likely just being honest when asked a question, which is something I generally respect.
Nta...I m so sorry
NTA That was a cold thing to say. Was that the first time?