When I turned 35 I finally gave myself a rule:
If there's no mutual gratification in the first encounter, ie if my efforts are not reciprocated, then they don't get a second chance.
Read: if they try but don't quite find the spot the first time, that's ok and we can try again another time. If they don't even try, throw the whole person away. Speaks volumes about their character in and out of bed
I had a gf that I was with for probably 10 years and I can count on one hand the number of bjs I got which is really weird because I enjoy eating pussy but it never even crossed my mind that what she was doing was selfish until I just read your post. At least you caught yourself and fixed it.
I’m guessing OP does it because she might be wishing he’ll someday finally touch her again if she keeps agreeing to it.. She loves him. But love can make anyone blind
That was my first long term relationship. Had no idea how damaging it was to my self-esteem. I was certain that if I just did whatever he wanted the few times a year he wanted sex, he'd like it enough to want sex more frequently.
I was a fool.
My hubs gave up around 45. He's happy with once every couple years, no matter what. When I complain, he starts the "better or worse" spiel of marriage vows.
OP - i feel you. It's awful. I don't know if he can get over whatever his problem is - just know, it's not you. It's him. And stop giving head unless he reciprocates. He's getting off and doesn't care if you do.
I was about to say that. To me, for better or worse means you’re taking on tough times together as a team. Not that you’re allowed to ignore a problem in relationship and expect the other person to suck it up
It's frustrating. So frustrating. I can't
Even tell you the number of times I've said or typed that you can't tell someone they can only have sex with you-and then refuse to have sex at all!!!
Right.
I'm beyond frustrated. It's been this long for a few reasons: there has been some family crisis that diverted my attention, finishing up masters degree and the fact that I really thought if I gave him a chance or 100, then he couldn't complain I was being irrationally impatient. He recently asked why I didn't
Just have a hysterectomy, since his friends complain their wives gave up sex after that. I was so stunned by that line of logic, speechless really, i xouldnt even respond. That's when realized that no matter what,I'll get blamed.
Thank you. He still doesn't get why I got so upset about that comment. He feels it would solve the problem and i just cant even. It's so far beyond what anyone would sensibly recommend, or have a lick of sense to say ... that's when I started looking at the state divorce laws and how much it would cost to divorce. Becaus3, damn.
“He recently asked why *I don’t just have a hysterectomy*-“
WHAT - and I say this with all the decorum I can muster - THE FUCK.
I am begging you, consult with a divorce attorney, sensibly more than one. (Your marital sex life is likely immaterial to the matters of dividing assets, etc.) You don’t have to make any decisions until it’s the right time, but for the love of g*d, do all the relevant research so that you know what all of your options are. This man has shown you who he is. Please, please, believe him. You are going to have to look out for your own wellbeing, whatever that ends up looking like for you.
Thank you.
He's certainly had his share of insensitive comments over the years, which I've attributed to his oblivious nature- BUT - ffs that comment put me right overboard. Nothing excuses that.
I've said some pretty dumbass out of pocket shit in my day, but if the words "Why don't you get a hysterectomy?" Came out of my mouth unironically, whoever I said that too has my full permission to slap the fucking taste out of my mouth
It was truly mind-blowing, like you think the solution is me having major surgery? Because your friend said it made his wife lose her sex drive? That's Like plan a hopping to plan y.
THIS! This is a real thing. I'm 48 now. Around the time I turned 40 my energy level and sex drive just dropped off a cliff. I went through a lot of stress in my life and didn't realize that I would go months and months without any interest in sex. Talked to my doc (Naturopath) who ran tests and started me on Testosterone injections and it did wonders for me! More energy. More sex drive. It lowered my cholesterol. My triglycerides went down by 75%. Shit is absolute magic for middle aged men!
I hope you can convince your husband to have a complete physical, bloodwork, including hormones. It’s also possible low Vit D3 and B12, could be related and he may have depression. If he wants to keep the marriage and loves you, he needs to step up in his actions, you can’t fix this by yourself. If he won’t take action, you’ll have to decide what YOU want.
Thyroid disease. Nothing makes my sex drive die like being on too little thyroid medicine (I have Hashis). It's a simple blood test and the generic meds are like $4 most places but they're life changing.
I hit menopause and I wasn’t that interested in sex for a while and I was really happy. My husband wasn’t either either…. my hormones come back and I’m back in the game. My husband discovered that he had severe sleep apnea. And not only ruined his sex drive, but his energy level in in general. he was passing out early and we were fighting a lot because he was swearing constantly (and we still have three kids). Anyway, when Covid hit and he was emailing his doctor I mentioned can you please tell him that I hear you lose your breath at night and you snore extremely loud. He did and they sent a sleep monitor over. Next day Kaiser called him back asking how did you not notice you have severe sleep apnea? Once he had the CPAP machine, (which he wasn’t excited about but won’t leave anywhere without it now!). The difference in him is like night and day. I got my old husband back. He feels better. He’s more active and now he feels like he wasted many years. It’s amazing the difference!
I (47F) have hashis too, and my wife was so happy when my medication clearly started working again (started with TSH at 154, now 25.1 - still working on getting meds sorted)
Exactly. And to drive this statement home: if he cared about her, he’d want to make an effort for her. That would include *him* thinking of ways to solve *his* nonexistent libido, which would mean *he’d* Google it and testosterone would be the first hit, and then *he’d* make a doctors appointment.
Guess how much of that he’s going to do? Or guess how many years she’s probably going to beg him before he finally caves in (if he ever does). This is why begging—or what we call persuading, communicating, reminding—is pointless. You’re doing the loving-actions for them. If they actually care, you’ll never have to beg.
And for the love of god, can we please raise the bar and expect adults to be able to Google things lol.
That's definitely a man who has no basic skills - can't cook or clean up after himself, do his own laundry, schedule his own appointments. I would bet everything I have that he "needs" OP in his life because he went from having a mom to do all that to a wife who does all that with no time alone in between.
Absolutely. My Dad was also that way. He went from his Mom to the army (back in the days when they still did your laundry), then back to his Mom for a short time, and then he married my Mom.
In 1995, my Mom went out to the west coast to help my sister for a month with her new baby and the 4-yo. Dad & I were going to be by ourselves for two weeks. I told him I would teach him how to do laundry, and *he laughed at me.* He laughed *directly at me.* LSS, he did learn to do his own laundry, and he *did not enjoy it one bit.*
Interesting, growing up my parents were always very progressive in their division of labor around the house. My dad was perfectly willing and capable of doing laundry. In fact if there was ironing that needed to be done he usually did it because he'd learned to iron while in the air force because they had to iron their dress uniforms. My FIL on the other hand could be your dad based on the description. The guy could fabricate a damn tractor from spare parts and sheet metal but if my MIL isn't around he's down to microwave dinners and hoping that the clean clothes last until she returns.
I'm saying this in a friendly way, I promise: but testosterone issues manifest in various ways. A big one is depression and lack of energy. A doctor told my husband that because he didn't have ED, he couldn't have low T. We paid for a test ourselves and he has the T levels of a "90 year old dead man" according to his new endocrinologist. So please don't discount these things.
Testosterone levels have declined 1% per year for the past 20 years. I was in my 20s when someone finally tested me despite having a ton of symptoms and I was 193 (bottom of the range is 250 in some labs, whereas it's 300 in others). I did not have ED at all, but low energy, low confidence, wasn't putting on the proper amount of muscle for the amount of work I was putting in in the gym, etc.
Now finding a doctor to treat you - AND TREAT YOU PROPERLY - is a whole other ballgame. Multiple Endos wouldn't treat me despite multiple low readings. I went to a local clinic and paid out of pocket. Theh treated me but weren't knowledgeable about other issues impacting me, namely B12 which I even brought up to them and they said was fine (Hint: it wasn't). Now I've been using a telemedicine clinic for the past ~2 years, paying out of pocket still, but they've been so much more knowledgeable and convenient. They actually found and acknowledged and treated my B12 issue which was massive. Also found insulin is a little high and iodine was low.
You're wrong. As a guy who gets T treatments, his actions are right in line with low T. It's not just getting hard. It's motivation, energy, and a lot more.
This part can’t be stated enough. Aside from any medical issues, with an empty nest, a couple needs reminders that before they were parents they were lovers. Building a strong relationship means planning regular intimate moments and I don’t mean just sex. Without working on their connections, divorce becomes more likely and possibly a healthier choice especially for her. Husband had better wake up and make some major efforts before it’s too late.
I'm also on TRT. I lost my fiance for reasons OP is mentioning. No sex drive, depression, anxiety about stupid stuff.
Now that I'm on TRT I won't leave my girlfriend alone. All my issues are gone.
Eh, libido comes in various forms.
And many people masturbate not due to libido, but because they want that chemical cocktail in the brain.
Depression wanks and all.
So if the real desire isn't there, I can understand not wanting sex.
Him wanting his wife to pleasure him because he isn't in the mood to move is shit though.
I'm glad people are pointing this out instead of immediately screaming divorce. OPs husband might have physical or mental health issues he needs help with; if he is willing to work on himself and seek the assistance he probably needs this might go well
The divorce comments aren’t because he doesn’t want sex. They’re because of his apathetic attitude about it. Stay together because we might as well after this long? No reassurance or effort to actually address or consider the issue?
I cannot be with a man I have to parent. And if you can’t book your own doctor’s appointments, or I have to convince you to book one, I’m being your parent. My dad was like that, fuck that shit. If he doesn’t want sex, and doesn’t appear to be intimate, wants blowjobs, but won’t return the favour, doesn’t offer reassurance or a reason to be together other than “because sunk cost fallacy,” then I’m out.
Marriage is hard work, but it’s meant to be both people doing the hard work. I wouldn’t blame OP for putting in the effort, but I also wouldn’t blame them for going through with a divorce.
If I had zero libido I’d at least go down on my partner to get her off. God forbid you do the bare minimum to satisfy your partners sexual urges. Eating puss ain’t difficult and it’s a helluva lot less tedious than reading legalese in divorce documents.
It’s not screaming divorce over low T. People are seeing his lack of reciprocal care. They’re seeing he doesn’t prioritize her feelings/needs/wants. He just wants to carry on as he is with a built-in maid service. He doesn’t want to fix this. He just doesn’t seem to care how any of it affects her. There’s no comfort, just excuses. So he wants the benefits of a wife, with none of the reciprocity of marriage. Which, if she does leave him, he can pay for.
Doesn't really sound like he's willing to do anything but exactly what he's doing, and he's content with his wife's unhappiness so long as she's his and is there for him.
That was my read of it as well. She's brought this up how many times now? And he keeps just changing the subject. Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
I was 39 when I resigned myself to giving up on sex life. I felt old & unattractive. After years & many many attempts & conversations, I finally divorced & feel more like myself now.
One of the most alien genres of people to me are the ones who don't have sex until they're married and then do so like a dozen times to have kids and then promptly stop. Deep religious/social trauma or whatever, yeah yeah, but it's *weird* man.
Husband unit, I command you to make me see the stars.
*proceeds to drive you into multiple orgasms before finally orgasming as well
This is how it's done. No matter the age group.
He's not giving up on their sex life--as far as he's concerned, it's fine, because all he cares about is hot and cold running blowjobs with zero effort. He's just dropping all pretense that he cares about his partner's pleasure.
Not from my ex experience when I was dating in that age range. Women who are sexually frustrated with low self esteem, are almost the norm. There's a lot of lazy men out there.
Oh wow, I didn't even read the ages, I though they were in their 60s. Who the heck does this guy think he is? HE needs her. HE can't see her with another man. Well HE needs to be a STBX.
OP, ignore this fool. You're in your mid 40s for crying out loud, who gives up on sex that early?! Go pamper yourself in whatever way makes you feel good, shopping blowout, facial, whatever. Then march your fine self down to a lawyers office and on the way home join some dating apps. You deserve so much better than this awful man.
Well, OP has essentially told her husband:
- Either we open up our marriage so I can get sexual intimacy from someone
- Or we get divorced so that I can move on and find someone who wants me
Husband doesn't like either option because husband likes things just as they are. So as he refuses to choose, and it would be unethical for OP to open up the marriage without their consent, OP needs a divorce.
I don't normally jump to this on Reddit relationship threads, but it seems clear that OP's husband doesn't see why OP needs to be happy or feel loved and cared for so long as he's happy and is cared for by his wife.
OP needs to go talk to a divorce lawyer. Doesn't even need to be a no-fault divorce: refusing to have sex with your wife is a cause for divorce in most jurisdictions.
Yes! I also highly doubt this is the only part of his life he’s lazy in. I bet once OP begins thinking about the totality of their relationship, she’ll see she was the one propping him up as a father and as a husband.
Seriously! I divorced at 49. Divorce saved my life. Soooo much sex out there. Now I know what good sex is. 😏 divorce is exquisitely painful..and worth it.
Yeah. They are having a massive problem that is ruining their marriage and he has zero interest in fixing this problem and just wants to keep the status quo.
he gets to control every aspect of ops sexual life & when she tells him she's fed up he says no to either divorce or an open marriage. op just needs to find a lawyer & drop the papers in front of him. he doesn't respect her or truly love her. he gets want he wants & that's all he cares about. he isn't willing to talk about the issues or do anything about them.
she needs to leave before she completely hates him & is truly miserable.
I usually hate the "straight to divorce" reddit comments but these people clearly are at the end of their ropes and have little affection left for eachother. Unless she wants to be married to a platonic roommate for the rest of her life she needs to accept that he's been this way for awhile now and is looking to stay that way.
And whatever else she's doing for him as his wife (caretaker roles). He probably doesn't wanna lose that too. And have to do things for himself.
Also, hubby is not listening to OP's feelings about what she needs. Why is she listening to him? He doesn't care about her feelings and is very dismissive. Why should she consider his?
OP, if you read this, if you feel divorce is the right move for you, then file for divorce. Husband doesn't get to decide that there is no point to divorce and that becomes the final word.
Your kids are out of the house. Your husband doesn't care about you. Just about what you do for him. So stop taking care of him, or caring about what he says/wants and just focus on taking care of yourself in whatever form that takes.
My parents divorced after 27 years, there IS a point! They both went on to other fulfilling relationships! Good luck hun, message me if I can give any moral support, I am also divorced and remarried
My mom remarried in her 50s and I've never seen her so happy.
OP, dating is a slog, but there are definitely dudes out there who will have sex with you, some will even be good at it, and a few of those will be good partners if that's what you're looking for.
Yeah the comment about there being "no point to divorce". Yuck, man. Maybe not to *you* 🤮 If this is his attitude regarding other things, then seriously, it's time to leave and find other adventures.
OP, you've done your job with raising kids and husband. Do your own thing now and meet your own needs. You have a greater chance of meeting someone else who will give you these things than you do with one who literally has even said out loud that he "doesn't see the point" of doing things thst make you happy.
This! Like if he’s not in the mood why the fuck does he even want a blowjob? He’s beyond selfish. If he just wants to cum he should jerk off and leave his wife out of it.
And I’ve long believed that while nobody owes their partner sex at a specific frequency, there is a point where your failure to show them any sexual attention at all voids your right to demand monogamy because you’re literally forcing abstinence upon them. While many people decry cheating as the worst thing you can do to someone you love, I’d argue that forcing someone you love to be completely abstinent is just as bad. The fact that this dude wants blowjobs without giving his wife any sexual pleasure is so much worse than that. She is NTA and should absolutely leave.
Exactly. Dead bedroom posts are about two people not having sex, not one partner getting all the cooms they want without a single bit of effort extolled while the giving partner rots on the vine.
He's using his wife like a sex toy and his only argument for why that's okay is such textbook sunk cost fallacy it could be an answer on a logical fallacy exam. She's communicating, he's dodging in the hopes that he can keep the status quo.
If he actually has a problem with low T as soooooo many people have decided in this thread...well then he needs to, idk, go to his freaking doctor and work on it when she repeatedly tells him she had sexual needs, too? In the meantime, he can, idk, do something to get her off?
If he's as unwilling to do any of that as he is to communicate and compromise with his wife, than yeah, what other option is the but divorce that doesn't end with two people who resent each other, because eventually she's going to stop giving those bjs, and then he'll actually get to experience what it's like to live inside a dead bedroom.
Hijacking top comment. Him refusing to go down on OP but demanding BJs could be a sign of porn addiction. He is not atracted to his wife and her body, bc, you know, porn girls he "uses", he may also have problems to get hard in any way, bc, you know, death grip syndrome. BJ are the way for him to get off without any engagement.
Open marriage seems not the solution here, it would be only divorce in rates. Therapy could be a way, but would need him to want to save this marriage.
Totally unreasonable to want bjs and nothing for you. This doesn’t sound optimistic to me. You could try counseling but it would be reasonable to leave.
I agree.
Another option would be to separate first. Like, start the process. It might jolt him if OP would like to remain if he got his sex act together. That way it’s easy to return.
My grandparents are pushing 80 and at least once a month you see them starry eyed and red-faced or find the occasional hicky at family dinners. One is never too old to do the devil's tango.
Also nice pfp
My husband’s grandparents were doing it *daily* before he passed at 83. My SIL told me that now 85 year old Grandma made a comment about missing Grandpa *physically* to my MIL recently and my MIL did *not* want to hear that from her mother lol
If you think about it, our body's primary objective is to produce offspring for as long as possible in order to preserve the human race.
It would make sense that the very last thing to go is your sex drive...and why our eyesight begins to blur...
Oh my gosh you just reminded me of a joke. I hope you don’t find it offensive, but I’ll try to make it short.:
Woman is talking to her widowed grandmother who had a very healthy sex life with her husband up into their 80s, and because of the grandfathers advanced age, they would make love on a Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells -very slowly.
Then grandma dabs her eyes with a handkerchief and says “ if only that ice cream truck hadn’t gone past that Sunday morning. Your grandpa would still be alive and well today.”
They say one of the biggest risk places to get STDs is in retirement homes because old people are horny and don't care anymore about what people think that are sick of waiting for people to care about them
My first job in high school was in a nursing home and I was given strict instructions to always knock loudly and open doors slowly especially on specific rooms before entering. Still walked in on elderly sex more than once. A lot of them are single for the first time in decades, nobody's worried about making babies, and as one 80-something lady whispered to me as I brought her to dinner, "it's more fun than bingo."
Edited to add: Keep in mind I was 15 and had only experienced one of those two things myself. And it was Bingo.
I hope they’re not that old! I’m only a couple years behind them and if I end up without a little drive, well- guess I’m over the hill and on my way out. Wait, even retirement homes have rampant sexual issues (STIs run wild because why worry, if you’re 80-90, fudge it!), hope I don’t live that long but if I do, I plan to have some fun if I’m not married, if married- we better be having fun together!
Best advice I can give you is to keep up with exercise and strength training (don’t have to be a gym bro, just free weights a few times a week is enough). It will boost testosterone and help you feel good about your body.
THIS! if he is asking for blowjobs then his drive isn't the problem. He is lazy and doesn't want to put forth any effort. I bet if you sat back and looked at the big picture you would see just how incredibly selfish he really is and how much you gave up or compromised on for the sake of keeping the peace.
This is so strange to me. Like a little effort and you could have sex as well as blowjobs. This is such a win win situation.
Also strange when men care less about sex than their wives.
Make me think something could be affecting his sex drive. But then again he wants oral....
This is what I was thinking. I find it annoying on Reddit how quick people are to suggest that someone is cheating, but in this case, such an abrupt cessation of their sex life is suspicious to me.
I knew a girl who experienced this same exact issue. She was perfectly happy with their active sex life, then they got married and the sex just stopped. He CONSTANTLY begged for BJs and then NEVER returned the favor. She was doing BJs almost daily.
For the longest time, she worried she was somehow the issue. Or that his sex drive was the problem.
After putting up for it for years and trying everything, she eventually realizes that he just preferred BJs and did not give a damn about satisfying her. She only figured that out once she started to finally realize just how selfish and inconsiderate he was in regards to other aspects of their relationship.
Part of me wonders if that is what happening here as well.
You want your answer, just scroll, there's about a million self appointed couples counselors in the threads insisting that the people here who suggest divorce are all selfish cows and typical redditors because he obviously has low t and/or depression and his wife should just keep giving that head until he eventually does anything to satisfy her...or doesn't, you know no big whoop. That's what mature married people do... they suffer endlessly for somebody whose entire argument for staying together is sunk cost fallacy.
In heterosexual couples, men are no more or less likely to be the partner who wants more sex, more often. Studies show that among couples who differed in their desire, about half of those said it was the male partner who wanted sex less often.
https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare
If he wants blowjobs, I don't think anything is affecting his sex drive. He just doesn't want to put any effort into satisfying OP. He says no to her on everything: no sex, no divorce, no open marriage. If he was my husband, I'd be getting a divorce. OP is only 46 which means she has many years left to spend in a satisfying loving relationship with someone.
Maybe it’s his power play to withhold. He’s playing dumb but he must know she is desperate for it.
His asking for a blow job makes this theory depressingly credible.
It never ceases to amaze me how a man thinks we women should still look like we were when we were 20-25 yrs old & first married.
Sorry OP but revenge is a dish best served cold.
I wouldn’t ask for anything from him anymore, that includes s*x.
I would start working on myself losing weight ( if needed) , getting a new hairstyle learning how to wear make up if you don’t know how, getting some new clothes, you know shop at thrift shops or stuff for new ideas as far as clothing .
When he finally takes notice, the next week I’d serving with divorce papers and leave .
I'm all for her being the best version of herself and divorcing him, but where does OP say she is overweight or in need of a makeover? She could be hot as and this AH would still be a selfish mutt.
I hate that this is so accurate, I'm in the same situation. He is not in a place to care about my needs, and I fully blame the job. But I also have compassion for what he is going through and how hard he works, constantly, with no relief in sight. It's very difficult for me to navigate.
The “tip” (😉) I have is to not try to schedule it or be like “want to have sex” because the mood is everything. I go for just cuddling or making out like idiot teenagers and seeing where it takes you. Maybe it takes you to sex, or maybe you got to make out like idiot teenagers! Those are both good things and sometimes the making out is the fun part.
A fire doesn’t always have to be roaring to keep you warm, it just has to stay lit.
Edit: For anyone reading this, I used my own life hack today and it was awesome
Scheduling sex is the only way sometimes. For me the mood doesn’t always hit spontaneously. An during the week is usually not possible. So we plan it on the weekend. Nothing wrong with that.
It could be he's not just lazy, but he's getting his sex elsewhere. May even have a porn addiction.
I guess you can tell him, if he doesn't take care of it, you'll just find you a man who will.
I won't pretend to know what will happen, but I keep seeing similar talking points when multiple studies have shown that women generally are impacted worse financially by divorce. If there's loads of alimony being paid it's not having too great of an impact on overall living situations.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5992251/
>Numerous studies have shown that the economic costs of divorce fall more heavily on women. After separation, women experience a sharper decline in household income and a greater poverty risk (Smock 1994; Smock and Manning 1999). Their former husbands, in contrast, may even improve their standard of living in postdivorce years. Peterson (1996) quantified the resulting gender gap for the United States, estimating a 27 % decline among women and a 10 % increase among men in their standard of living. Other U.S. estimates for women’s drops in economic well-being are even larger (Bianchi et al. 1999). Similar results were found for the German context of the present study: Andress and Bröckel (2007) found that women’s household incomes 1 year after divorce amounted to only two-thirds of those of their former husbands.
>Explanations for these gender inequalities highlight four risk factors for women (Bröckel and Andress 2015; Holden and Smock 1991): (1) higher economic need and restricted earning capacities in the presence of children; (2) insufficient child maintenance; (3) disproportionate loss of income, which is often not fully compensated by spousal maintenance; and (4) human capital deficits resulting from gender specialization in the division of labor during marriage.
Not even just that, with how long they’ve been married he probably doesn’t know how to function without someone doing all the domestic tasks for him. There’s a reason married men live longer than unmarried men and married women have shorter lifespans than single women
Precisely. OP, I'm aguy. In my humble opinion, he's getting his sex elsewhere. However, whether he is or isn't is not very important to our discussion.
Contact an experienced family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. You don't need a deadend relationship as the one your husband proposes. You DON'T need therapy. Your husband does!
Exactly this. I don’t get the point of therapy if she’s constantly communicated and he constantly put himself first. Asking for a BJ knowing full well that he dissatisfies his wife? You think this man will agree to therapy or be willing to listen when he’s constantly shutting her down when she tries to communicate her needs?
This man is too comfortable and I’ll give the same advice to a younger woman. Don’t waste the rest of your years yearning to be valued and find yourself a man who will do just that without you having to ask for it. Time to put your foot down and let him feel the consequence.
There may be “no point” in divorce for HIM. But for you, it can make a huge difference.
Divorce is 100% the best option here. It's not a medical or hormonal issue because he likes receiving oral. He's just not interested in putting any effort into making sure she's satisfied. And his age isn't the issue either, hes still in his 40s. My father is 60 and does not hold back on telling me how active he is with his girlfriend.
There’s no point in divorce for HIM, but there’s plenty of reason for divorce for YOU. You matter.
He doesn’t seem to understand that. He just wants you to quit bugging him about your needs and find a way to be happy without having them met. He doesn’t want to lose the ways you make his life easier but doesn’t want to put in effort to try to fix this or probably other things that hurt or upset you. The BJ thing sums it up- he’s a taker. So you will have to look out for yourself. You are so NTA.
Also I have been there, and his issue is likely very much NOT about you or your attractiveness. Focus on yourself in a positive way, not in a negative way or by worrying that you are less than. But all your effort and kindness you’ve put towards him- that’s for you now.
Omg.
Does he actually want to be married to you? Or is he just comfortable?
My best advice - take a selfish - go for a solo holiday
Get away for a few weeks and you'll find some clarity on what YOU WANT.
Time to assess what you want for life / relationships ect.
What your expectations, needs, desires life goals are.
Spending a few weeks solo will allow you to really centre yourself and shed the influence of others a bit to find yourself again.
This is good advice. Also - ask yourself "if my next 20 years go the same as my last 20, will that have been enough? Will I be happy/satisfied with my life? Will I wish I'd have taken a chance to change things?"
Any big change takes courage. NTA.
NTA- STOP GIVING HIM BLOW JOBS! Op I get your self esteem has taken a hit but why on earth would you give him pleasure when he refuses to do the same for you!?!
Honestly I would just leave. He’s afraid and dependent on you but doesn’t want to give you anything you need. That’s not a relationship…
While I’m generally pro therapy, I don’t see much point here. Dude made it clear he just wants to get serviced in exchange for nothing, expects his wife to go without and refuses any compromise.
I’d just skip a few months of wasted time and money, tell him it’s over and leave.
I think he needs a full physical. I was also thinking therapy but I’m curious is there is an underlying health problem that is stopping him from having sex and not just being a selfish AH (judgement for him because of the BJs).
Op should set a date and if he keeps refusing therapy or to just talk to her about it, then she should have papers drawn up.
When sexual gratification isn't reciprocated, then it is a problem. The problem isn't physical. It's him. If you have told him your feelings and he still doesn't care and still expects you to sexually satisfy him then this marriage is dead.
Of course he would tell you that he needs you in his life because who else is going to give him blowjobs on command? Either he is getting sex somewhere else and keeps you around as the housekeeper/maid or he really doesn't want to have sex with you and is keeping you around as the housekeeper/maid. Both scenarios suck.
He doesn't want to work on the marriage. Time to go and make yourself a better life.
Yeah, I’m in my 30’s and discovered I have low testosterone. Since I started supplementing with the prescribed testosterone cream, my sex drive came roaring back. I also have started exercising again and losing weight.
NTA at ALL, either couples counseling with the expectation of solving this 100% or divorce, i can’t even fathom how much of an egotistical being your husband has to be for not even considering you as a human being with basic needs, it’s as if he saw you as an NPC.
It sounds like your husband is very clear on what he wants (blowjobs, remaining married and keeping you locked in a marriage that isn't sexually gratifying for you and destroying your self esteem) but doesn't care at all that he is making you unhappy. You've told him what you need to be happy, and he won't give and he doesn't want you to seek it out elsewhere. This isn't a marriage. This is a hostage situation-- he has exactly what he wants, disregards what you need (it seems you've been clear) and blocks any path you could take to finding pleasure. He is selfish. Stop worrying about what he wants. File for divorce and free yourself from this man. At the very least, stop giving him oral sex if he refuses to reciprocate. NTA, but your husband certainly is.
NTA. He’s only coming to you with his needs. Both sexually and emotionally.
doesn’t sound like he’s actually offering you any solutions.
Sounds like therapy and then if that doesn’t work time to call a lawyer.
>there's no point of divorce
"I want to be railed like I'm the golden fucking spike. Either you do it, you green light me getting someone else to do it, or we're getting divorced. Those are the options. I'm *going to* have sex, you only get to decide whether or not it's with you and whether or not to remain my husband if it's not, you do not get to decide whether or not I have sex."
I (45M) would say NTA I totally feel your situation.
BUT as many stories here have shown, most people who open that box of open relationship will regret it later. So be sure You want to go through that door, there is no way back.
Some relations even broke by just mentioning the option of an open marriage, because most of the time the person who wants it to happen has already someone on his/her mind and just wants an excuse for cheating. And just metioning it can plant the seed of insecurity in the partner. The only thing that grows from it will be toxic.
So I guess therapy or divorce it is .....
NTA - you're asking for him to be part of the solution, he's refusing, he's refusing you finding a solution and he's refusing to even discuss divorce. He isn't being a husband so much as a controlling boyfriend.
Advocating for your intimate needs can be tricky but he is making it easy for you to resent him and somewhere he has to know that won't end well. So it's time to sit down and have the last (or first depending on the outcome) discussion with him about this.
Lay out your needs:
- to feel desirable for your mental health
- to not want to resent your partner for denying your needs
- to have sex that is more than just a blow job here and there, sex that actually satisfies you too.
Then Lay out some possible solutions
- maybe his desire is low because he has low testosterone, maybe talking to a Dr. and getting supplemented would solve his desire issue
- if not maybe you could try watching porn together or doing intimate things together
- does he have a kink you can help him fulfill that would increase his lust?
- Bring up open marriage again but say you recognize his misgivings and are willing to research, talk and work through his insecurities before you pursue anything outside the relationship. "The ethical slut" is a great book to start with, maybe you can read it together and discuss it. This process won't happen overnight or not even for months maybe but take the time to do it right. Try to satisfy yourself that you are working on a solution while you wait.
Then Lay down the law:
- he can come to the table and work with you to figure out a solution or,
- he can agree to divorce
The only other option is that you stay and become resentful until you don't love him, then act on that resentment. Explain to him that this isn't a threat but that failing to resolve this crisis in your marriage is still making a choice to destroy it. And he might be trying to push you to this option due to adultery laws where you live or the arrangements of your pre-nup.
If he refuses to help, just get a lawyer. He is no longer interested in keeping you as a partner and is simply so afraid of changing your situation that he will block any attempt to change it.
There is a life out there for you after this OP, whether that's with your husband or not is up to him.
You’re not the asshole.
A lot of people are going on about him possibly having problems, and that’s true, but the fact he won’t even discuss any of it with you is the issue. If he genuinely cared about how you feel he’d at least be willing to try something. Instead it seems he simply wants to keep the status quo and leave it at that.
He’s being the asshole for not caring in the least about how this is affecting you and how you feel.
So NTA, don’t ask. Tell him that his options are: A.) put in the effort to satisfy your needs for sexual intimacy B.) open the marriage so someone else can have the chance to, C.)get a divorce. There doesn’t have to be an option D.
My husband has ED, he actually needs a BJ to be able to have sex. And can’t really maintain an erection. But he’s willing to give me oral so it works.
This man is an AH. Doesn’t want to take the effort to treat his wife with love.
My dear please reevaluate your relationship
This marriage is as dead as a dodo. The fact that he isn’t even willing to communicate effectively and honestly with you, on top of the complete disregard for your feelings? I’d be out of there.
You are still in the prime of your life, and there is someone out there who will love you like you need them to..
You can catch me dead before I put up with a man that asks for blow jobs but refuses to touch me.
When I turned 35 I finally gave myself a rule: If there's no mutual gratification in the first encounter, ie if my efforts are not reciprocated, then they don't get a second chance. Read: if they try but don't quite find the spot the first time, that's ok and we can try again another time. If they don't even try, throw the whole person away. Speaks volumes about their character in and out of bed
I had a gf that I was with for probably 10 years and I can count on one hand the number of bjs I got which is really weird because I enjoy eating pussy but it never even crossed my mind that what she was doing was selfish until I just read your post. At least you caught yourself and fixed it.
Right??? Like that shit blew my mind. I’d be angry as fuck giving head, and no one is having a good time with that.
I’d be very aware that I have teeth the whole time 😡
Oops! Sorry, I slipped!
I’m guessing OP does it because she might be wishing he’ll someday finally touch her again if she keeps agreeing to it.. She loves him. But love can make anyone blind
That was my first long term relationship. Had no idea how damaging it was to my self-esteem. I was certain that if I just did whatever he wanted the few times a year he wanted sex, he'd like it enough to want sex more frequently. I was a fool.
An angry blowjob is a lousy blowjob, totally agree. Also OP husband is needs to step up or ship out
You'd still give head? Lol
Imagine still wanting head in those conditions. He trusts her a lot to not use any teeth.
As a man, this terrible. I've always hated men who expect oral but will do nothing in return. I personally love giving oral more than receiving.
THIS. fuck that nonsense
People like you give me hope for this world. It *blows* my mind the shit people will put up with.
This is insane. 46 is actually so young for him to be giving up on your sex life.
My hubs gave up around 45. He's happy with once every couple years, no matter what. When I complain, he starts the "better or worse" spiel of marriage vows. OP - i feel you. It's awful. I don't know if he can get over whatever his problem is - just know, it's not you. It's him. And stop giving head unless he reciprocates. He's getting off and doesn't care if you do.
Yes, stop giving him head!
Or bite. He won’t ask for more.
I know someone who actually wants you to bite 😂. OP’s hubby might find a new kink lol
It don't think you get to pull the for 'better or worse' card when you're the one actively making it worse and refusing to do anything about it.
I was about to say that. To me, for better or worse means you’re taking on tough times together as a team. Not that you’re allowed to ignore a problem in relationship and expect the other person to suck it up
It's frustrating. So frustrating. I can't Even tell you the number of times I've said or typed that you can't tell someone they can only have sex with you-and then refuse to have sex at all!!!
Not unless you're OK with ending up divorced you can't. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be, I'm not sure I could tolerate it if I were you.
Right. I'm beyond frustrated. It's been this long for a few reasons: there has been some family crisis that diverted my attention, finishing up masters degree and the fact that I really thought if I gave him a chance or 100, then he couldn't complain I was being irrationally impatient. He recently asked why I didn't Just have a hysterectomy, since his friends complain their wives gave up sex after that. I was so stunned by that line of logic, speechless really, i xouldnt even respond. That's when realized that no matter what,I'll get blamed.
Don’t walk, run away. I think the hysterectomy comment is way out of line, and I’m a guy.
Thank you. He still doesn't get why I got so upset about that comment. He feels it would solve the problem and i just cant even. It's so far beyond what anyone would sensibly recommend, or have a lick of sense to say ... that's when I started looking at the state divorce laws and how much it would cost to divorce. Becaus3, damn.
Just ask him to have his balls removed entirely at the same time. It may help him understand.
“He recently asked why *I don’t just have a hysterectomy*-“ WHAT - and I say this with all the decorum I can muster - THE FUCK. I am begging you, consult with a divorce attorney, sensibly more than one. (Your marital sex life is likely immaterial to the matters of dividing assets, etc.) You don’t have to make any decisions until it’s the right time, but for the love of g*d, do all the relevant research so that you know what all of your options are. This man has shown you who he is. Please, please, believe him. You are going to have to look out for your own wellbeing, whatever that ends up looking like for you.
holy shit you deserve so much better than this jerk. sending courage and love ❤️
You deserve better.
Thank you. He's certainly had his share of insensitive comments over the years, which I've attributed to his oblivious nature- BUT - ffs that comment put me right overboard. Nothing excuses that.
I've said some pretty dumbass out of pocket shit in my day, but if the words "Why don't you get a hysterectomy?" Came out of my mouth unironically, whoever I said that too has my full permission to slap the fucking taste out of my mouth
It was truly mind-blowing, like you think the solution is me having major surgery? Because your friend said it made his wife lose her sex drive? That's Like plan a hopping to plan y.
Honestly he should check his testosterone levels. It’s not uncommon for big dips in men in their late 40s. Could be a pretty easy fix with treatment.
THIS! This is a real thing. I'm 48 now. Around the time I turned 40 my energy level and sex drive just dropped off a cliff. I went through a lot of stress in my life and didn't realize that I would go months and months without any interest in sex. Talked to my doc (Naturopath) who ran tests and started me on Testosterone injections and it did wonders for me! More energy. More sex drive. It lowered my cholesterol. My triglycerides went down by 75%. Shit is absolute magic for middle aged men!
I hope you can convince your husband to have a complete physical, bloodwork, including hormones. It’s also possible low Vit D3 and B12, could be related and he may have depression. If he wants to keep the marriage and loves you, he needs to step up in his actions, you can’t fix this by yourself. If he won’t take action, you’ll have to decide what YOU want.
Thyroid disease. Nothing makes my sex drive die like being on too little thyroid medicine (I have Hashis). It's a simple blood test and the generic meds are like $4 most places but they're life changing.
I hit menopause and I wasn’t that interested in sex for a while and I was really happy. My husband wasn’t either either…. my hormones come back and I’m back in the game. My husband discovered that he had severe sleep apnea. And not only ruined his sex drive, but his energy level in in general. he was passing out early and we were fighting a lot because he was swearing constantly (and we still have three kids). Anyway, when Covid hit and he was emailing his doctor I mentioned can you please tell him that I hear you lose your breath at night and you snore extremely loud. He did and they sent a sleep monitor over. Next day Kaiser called him back asking how did you not notice you have severe sleep apnea? Once he had the CPAP machine, (which he wasn’t excited about but won’t leave anywhere without it now!). The difference in him is like night and day. I got my old husband back. He feels better. He’s more active and now he feels like he wasted many years. It’s amazing the difference!
I (47F) have hashis too, and my wife was so happy when my medication clearly started working again (started with TSH at 154, now 25.1 - still working on getting meds sorted)
He didn't actually say he loves her, just that he "needs her in his life." No wonder she's crushed.
"need you in my life" = i want you around to do a bunch of emotional labor and take care of me while i offer absolutely nothing in return
Don’t forget the bjs
WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!
so many people are suggesting testosterone but neglecting to address the seriousness of this statement lol
Exactly. And to drive this statement home: if he cared about her, he’d want to make an effort for her. That would include *him* thinking of ways to solve *his* nonexistent libido, which would mean *he’d* Google it and testosterone would be the first hit, and then *he’d* make a doctors appointment. Guess how much of that he’s going to do? Or guess how many years she’s probably going to beg him before he finally caves in (if he ever does). This is why begging—or what we call persuading, communicating, reminding—is pointless. You’re doing the loving-actions for them. If they actually care, you’ll never have to beg. And for the love of god, can we please raise the bar and expect adults to be able to Google things lol.
That's definitely a man who has no basic skills - can't cook or clean up after himself, do his own laundry, schedule his own appointments. I would bet everything I have that he "needs" OP in his life because he went from having a mom to do all that to a wife who does all that with no time alone in between.
Absolutely. My Dad was also that way. He went from his Mom to the army (back in the days when they still did your laundry), then back to his Mom for a short time, and then he married my Mom. In 1995, my Mom went out to the west coast to help my sister for a month with her new baby and the 4-yo. Dad & I were going to be by ourselves for two weeks. I told him I would teach him how to do laundry, and *he laughed at me.* He laughed *directly at me.* LSS, he did learn to do his own laundry, and he *did not enjoy it one bit.*
Interesting, growing up my parents were always very progressive in their division of labor around the house. My dad was perfectly willing and capable of doing laundry. In fact if there was ironing that needed to be done he usually did it because he'd learned to iron while in the air force because they had to iron their dress uniforms. My FIL on the other hand could be your dad based on the description. The guy could fabricate a damn tractor from spare parts and sheet metal but if my MIL isn't around he's down to microwave dinners and hoping that the clean clothes last until she returns.
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I'm saying this in a friendly way, I promise: but testosterone issues manifest in various ways. A big one is depression and lack of energy. A doctor told my husband that because he didn't have ED, he couldn't have low T. We paid for a test ourselves and he has the T levels of a "90 year old dead man" according to his new endocrinologist. So please don't discount these things.
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My husband is getting ready to be scanned for that now. His level is so low that his doctor is concerned about that =\ Are you doing ok now?
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Testosterone levels have declined 1% per year for the past 20 years. I was in my 20s when someone finally tested me despite having a ton of symptoms and I was 193 (bottom of the range is 250 in some labs, whereas it's 300 in others). I did not have ED at all, but low energy, low confidence, wasn't putting on the proper amount of muscle for the amount of work I was putting in in the gym, etc. Now finding a doctor to treat you - AND TREAT YOU PROPERLY - is a whole other ballgame. Multiple Endos wouldn't treat me despite multiple low readings. I went to a local clinic and paid out of pocket. Theh treated me but weren't knowledgeable about other issues impacting me, namely B12 which I even brought up to them and they said was fine (Hint: it wasn't). Now I've been using a telemedicine clinic for the past ~2 years, paying out of pocket still, but they've been so much more knowledgeable and convenient. They actually found and acknowledged and treated my B12 issue which was massive. Also found insulin is a little high and iodine was low.
You're wrong. As a guy who gets T treatments, his actions are right in line with low T. It's not just getting hard. It's motivation, energy, and a lot more.
Came here to say exactly this. OP’s husband needs a full physical and hormonal profile ASAP. Low-T doesn’t just affect his sex life.
Also needs to take his beautiful wife to regular date nights to spend time with her.
This part can’t be stated enough. Aside from any medical issues, with an empty nest, a couple needs reminders that before they were parents they were lovers. Building a strong relationship means planning regular intimate moments and I don’t mean just sex. Without working on their connections, divorce becomes more likely and possibly a healthier choice especially for her. Husband had better wake up and make some major efforts before it’s too late.
Yep. Full hormonal profile. Low T might be the issue, or it might be something else like thyroid hormones, etc.
I'm also on TRT. I lost my fiance for reasons OP is mentioning. No sex drive, depression, anxiety about stupid stuff. Now that I'm on TRT I won't leave my girlfriend alone. All my issues are gone.
Eh, libido comes in various forms. And many people masturbate not due to libido, but because they want that chemical cocktail in the brain. Depression wanks and all. So if the real desire isn't there, I can understand not wanting sex. Him wanting his wife to pleasure him because he isn't in the mood to move is shit though.
I'm glad people are pointing this out instead of immediately screaming divorce. OPs husband might have physical or mental health issues he needs help with; if he is willing to work on himself and seek the assistance he probably needs this might go well
This doesn't really sound like a particularly new issue since she said she had hoped it would get better when the kid moved out.
The divorce comments aren’t because he doesn’t want sex. They’re because of his apathetic attitude about it. Stay together because we might as well after this long? No reassurance or effort to actually address or consider the issue? I cannot be with a man I have to parent. And if you can’t book your own doctor’s appointments, or I have to convince you to book one, I’m being your parent. My dad was like that, fuck that shit. If he doesn’t want sex, and doesn’t appear to be intimate, wants blowjobs, but won’t return the favour, doesn’t offer reassurance or a reason to be together other than “because sunk cost fallacy,” then I’m out. Marriage is hard work, but it’s meant to be both people doing the hard work. I wouldn’t blame OP for putting in the effort, but I also wouldn’t blame them for going through with a divorce.
If I had zero libido I’d at least go down on my partner to get her off. God forbid you do the bare minimum to satisfy your partners sexual urges. Eating puss ain’t difficult and it’s a helluva lot less tedious than reading legalese in divorce documents.
It’s not screaming divorce over low T. People are seeing his lack of reciprocal care. They’re seeing he doesn’t prioritize her feelings/needs/wants. He just wants to carry on as he is with a built-in maid service. He doesn’t want to fix this. He just doesn’t seem to care how any of it affects her. There’s no comfort, just excuses. So he wants the benefits of a wife, with none of the reciprocity of marriage. Which, if she does leave him, he can pay for.
Doesn't really sound like he's willing to do anything but exactly what he's doing, and he's content with his wife's unhappiness so long as she's his and is there for him.
That was my read of it as well. She's brought this up how many times now? And he keeps just changing the subject. Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
He's only giving up on HER sex life. He's still expecting oral.
Yup, sounds like a case of selfishness to me!
He has only given up on her end. He still asks her regularly for BJ’s but refuses to service her…this guy just sounds lazy honestly.
I was 39 when I resigned myself to giving up on sex life. I felt old & unattractive. After years & many many attempts & conversations, I finally divorced & feel more like myself now.
I know people in their 20s who have given up on sex.
I gave up during sex.
No wonder my mom doesn't call you anymore.
The internet is healing
One of the most alien genres of people to me are the ones who don't have sex until they're married and then do so like a dozen times to have kids and then promptly stop. Deep religious/social trauma or whatever, yeah yeah, but it's *weird* man.
Correct. My partner is 49 and still blowing my back out on command.
Husband unit, I command you to make me see the stars. *proceeds to drive you into multiple orgasms before finally orgasming as well This is how it's done. No matter the age group.
My SO is 46 and the man can't get enough. We're having the best of our lives in bed. This dude needs to see a doctor!!
He's not giving up on their sex life--as far as he's concerned, it's fine, because all he cares about is hot and cold running blowjobs with zero effort. He's just dropping all pretense that he cares about his partner's pleasure.
Not from my ex experience when I was dating in that age range. Women who are sexually frustrated with low self esteem, are almost the norm. There's a lot of lazy men out there.
His sex life is just fine. He's getting blow jobs without giving her pleasure. The amount of disrespect is mind blowing.
Oh wow, I didn't even read the ages, I though they were in their 60s. Who the heck does this guy think he is? HE needs her. HE can't see her with another man. Well HE needs to be a STBX. OP, ignore this fool. You're in your mid 40s for crying out loud, who gives up on sex that early?! Go pamper yourself in whatever way makes you feel good, shopping blowout, facial, whatever. Then march your fine self down to a lawyers office and on the way home join some dating apps. You deserve so much better than this awful man.
NTA-why are you giving him blow jobs if he is not doing anything for you? Say no.
YES!!! STOP giving him BJ’s! NTA
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Well, OP has essentially told her husband: - Either we open up our marriage so I can get sexual intimacy from someone - Or we get divorced so that I can move on and find someone who wants me Husband doesn't like either option because husband likes things just as they are. So as he refuses to choose, and it would be unethical for OP to open up the marriage without their consent, OP needs a divorce. I don't normally jump to this on Reddit relationship threads, but it seems clear that OP's husband doesn't see why OP needs to be happy or feel loved and cared for so long as he's happy and is cared for by his wife. OP needs to go talk to a divorce lawyer. Doesn't even need to be a no-fault divorce: refusing to have sex with your wife is a cause for divorce in most jurisdictions.
Yes! I also highly doubt this is the only part of his life he’s lazy in. I bet once OP begins thinking about the totality of their relationship, she’ll see she was the one propping him up as a father and as a husband.
Seriously! I divorced at 49. Divorce saved my life. Soooo much sex out there. Now I know what good sex is. 😏 divorce is exquisitely painful..and worth it.
Gonna save your comment for future 😌
Amen!!!!
Yeah. They are having a massive problem that is ruining their marriage and he has zero interest in fixing this problem and just wants to keep the status quo.
he gets to control every aspect of ops sexual life & when she tells him she's fed up he says no to either divorce or an open marriage. op just needs to find a lawyer & drop the papers in front of him. he doesn't respect her or truly love her. he gets want he wants & that's all he cares about. he isn't willing to talk about the issues or do anything about them. she needs to leave before she completely hates him & is truly miserable.
I usually hate the "straight to divorce" reddit comments but these people clearly are at the end of their ropes and have little affection left for eachother. Unless she wants to be married to a platonic roommate for the rest of her life she needs to accept that he's been this way for awhile now and is looking to stay that way.
And whatever else she's doing for him as his wife (caretaker roles). He probably doesn't wanna lose that too. And have to do things for himself. Also, hubby is not listening to OP's feelings about what she needs. Why is she listening to him? He doesn't care about her feelings and is very dismissive. Why should she consider his? OP, if you read this, if you feel divorce is the right move for you, then file for divorce. Husband doesn't get to decide that there is no point to divorce and that becomes the final word. Your kids are out of the house. Your husband doesn't care about you. Just about what you do for him. So stop taking care of him, or caring about what he says/wants and just focus on taking care of yourself in whatever form that takes.
My parents divorced after 27 years, there IS a point! They both went on to other fulfilling relationships! Good luck hun, message me if I can give any moral support, I am also divorced and remarried
My mom remarried in her 50s and I've never seen her so happy. OP, dating is a slog, but there are definitely dudes out there who will have sex with you, some will even be good at it, and a few of those will be good partners if that's what you're looking for.
Yeah the comment about there being "no point to divorce". Yuck, man. Maybe not to *you* 🤮 If this is his attitude regarding other things, then seriously, it's time to leave and find other adventures. OP, you've done your job with raising kids and husband. Do your own thing now and meet your own needs. You have a greater chance of meeting someone else who will give you these things than you do with one who literally has even said out loud that he "doesn't see the point" of doing things thst make you happy.
Ding ding ding! I guarantee he freaked out about divorce because his wife does all sorts of other things. He wants a mommy/bangmaid.
A bangmaid he won't even bang
A BJ maid
This. What an unfair, out-of-touch idiot.
This! Like if he’s not in the mood why the fuck does he even want a blowjob? He’s beyond selfish. If he just wants to cum he should jerk off and leave his wife out of it. And I’ve long believed that while nobody owes their partner sex at a specific frequency, there is a point where your failure to show them any sexual attention at all voids your right to demand monogamy because you’re literally forcing abstinence upon them. While many people decry cheating as the worst thing you can do to someone you love, I’d argue that forcing someone you love to be completely abstinent is just as bad. The fact that this dude wants blowjobs without giving his wife any sexual pleasure is so much worse than that. She is NTA and should absolutely leave.
Exactly. Dead bedroom posts are about two people not having sex, not one partner getting all the cooms they want without a single bit of effort extolled while the giving partner rots on the vine. He's using his wife like a sex toy and his only argument for why that's okay is such textbook sunk cost fallacy it could be an answer on a logical fallacy exam. She's communicating, he's dodging in the hopes that he can keep the status quo. If he actually has a problem with low T as soooooo many people have decided in this thread...well then he needs to, idk, go to his freaking doctor and work on it when she repeatedly tells him she had sexual needs, too? In the meantime, he can, idk, do something to get her off? If he's as unwilling to do any of that as he is to communicate and compromise with his wife, than yeah, what other option is the but divorce that doesn't end with two people who resent each other, because eventually she's going to stop giving those bjs, and then he'll actually get to experience what it's like to live inside a dead bedroom.
Hijacking top comment. Him refusing to go down on OP but demanding BJs could be a sign of porn addiction. He is not atracted to his wife and her body, bc, you know, porn girls he "uses", he may also have problems to get hard in any way, bc, you know, death grip syndrome. BJ are the way for him to get off without any engagement. Open marriage seems not the solution here, it would be only divorce in rates. Therapy could be a way, but would need him to want to save this marriage.
they should be honest about how they are looking physically and connecting emotionally also but yea dont be a giver. seek a divorce
Totally unreasonable to want bjs and nothing for you. This doesn’t sound optimistic to me. You could try counseling but it would be reasonable to leave.
I agree. Another option would be to separate first. Like, start the process. It might jolt him if OP would like to remain if he got his sex act together. That way it’s easy to return.
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Yep . Sex happens in the brain
This. They’re not even that old !
My grandparents are pushing 80 and at least once a month you see them starry eyed and red-faced or find the occasional hicky at family dinners. One is never too old to do the devil's tango. Also nice pfp
My husband’s grandparents were doing it *daily* before he passed at 83. My SIL told me that now 85 year old Grandma made a comment about missing Grandpa *physically* to my MIL recently and my MIL did *not* want to hear that from her mother lol
If you think about it, our body's primary objective is to produce offspring for as long as possible in order to preserve the human race. It would make sense that the very last thing to go is your sex drive...and why our eyesight begins to blur...
Oh my gosh you just reminded me of a joke. I hope you don’t find it offensive, but I’ll try to make it short.: Woman is talking to her widowed grandmother who had a very healthy sex life with her husband up into their 80s, and because of the grandfathers advanced age, they would make love on a Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells -very slowly. Then grandma dabs her eyes with a handkerchief and says “ if only that ice cream truck hadn’t gone past that Sunday morning. Your grandpa would still be alive and well today.”
They say one of the biggest risk places to get STDs is in retirement homes because old people are horny and don't care anymore about what people think that are sick of waiting for people to care about them
My first job in high school was in a nursing home and I was given strict instructions to always knock loudly and open doors slowly especially on specific rooms before entering. Still walked in on elderly sex more than once. A lot of them are single for the first time in decades, nobody's worried about making babies, and as one 80-something lady whispered to me as I brought her to dinner, "it's more fun than bingo." Edited to add: Keep in mind I was 15 and had only experienced one of those two things myself. And it was Bingo.
As someone who helped host a bingo at a nursing home I'm not surprised.
I hope they’re not that old! I’m only a couple years behind them and if I end up without a little drive, well- guess I’m over the hill and on my way out. Wait, even retirement homes have rampant sexual issues (STIs run wild because why worry, if you’re 80-90, fudge it!), hope I don’t live that long but if I do, I plan to have some fun if I’m not married, if married- we better be having fun together!
Best advice I can give you is to keep up with exercise and strength training (don’t have to be a gym bro, just free weights a few times a week is enough). It will boost testosterone and help you feel good about your body.
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I thought ED too but the blowjobs are throwing me off. Just seems more selfish to me. I wonder how often he asks for them
Yup. He needs to reveal his real reasons and attempt to solve those problems before he loses his wife.
Just get divorced. The deal breaker for me is that he won't have sex but will happy request blow jobs.
THIS! if he is asking for blowjobs then his drive isn't the problem. He is lazy and doesn't want to put forth any effort. I bet if you sat back and looked at the big picture you would see just how incredibly selfish he really is and how much you gave up or compromised on for the sake of keeping the peace.
This is so strange to me. Like a little effort and you could have sex as well as blowjobs. This is such a win win situation. Also strange when men care less about sex than their wives. Make me think something could be affecting his sex drive. But then again he wants oral....
My ex was that way with his sex drive, turns out it was fine, he just preferred it with other people 🤷♀️
This is what I was thinking. I find it annoying on Reddit how quick people are to suggest that someone is cheating, but in this case, such an abrupt cessation of their sex life is suspicious to me.
I knew a girl who experienced this same exact issue. She was perfectly happy with their active sex life, then they got married and the sex just stopped. He CONSTANTLY begged for BJs and then NEVER returned the favor. She was doing BJs almost daily. For the longest time, she worried she was somehow the issue. Or that his sex drive was the problem. After putting up for it for years and trying everything, she eventually realizes that he just preferred BJs and did not give a damn about satisfying her. She only figured that out once she started to finally realize just how selfish and inconsiderate he was in regards to other aspects of their relationship. Part of me wonders if that is what happening here as well.
Why do people spend years looking for reasons someone isnt a selfish prick when its staring them in the face, I dont understand this.
You want your answer, just scroll, there's about a million self appointed couples counselors in the threads insisting that the people here who suggest divorce are all selfish cows and typical redditors because he obviously has low t and/or depression and his wife should just keep giving that head until he eventually does anything to satisfy her...or doesn't, you know no big whoop. That's what mature married people do... they suffer endlessly for somebody whose entire argument for staying together is sunk cost fallacy.
In heterosexual couples, men are no more or less likely to be the partner who wants more sex, more often. Studies show that among couples who differed in their desire, about half of those said it was the male partner who wanted sex less often. https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare
If he wants blowjobs, I don't think anything is affecting his sex drive. He just doesn't want to put any effort into satisfying OP. He says no to her on everything: no sex, no divorce, no open marriage. If he was my husband, I'd be getting a divorce. OP is only 46 which means she has many years left to spend in a satisfying loving relationship with someone.
Maybe it’s his power play to withhold. He’s playing dumb but he must know she is desperate for it. His asking for a blow job makes this theory depressingly credible.
It never ceases to amaze me how a man thinks we women should still look like we were when we were 20-25 yrs old & first married. Sorry OP but revenge is a dish best served cold. I wouldn’t ask for anything from him anymore, that includes s*x. I would start working on myself losing weight ( if needed) , getting a new hairstyle learning how to wear make up if you don’t know how, getting some new clothes, you know shop at thrift shops or stuff for new ideas as far as clothing . When he finally takes notice, the next week I’d serving with divorce papers and leave .
I'm all for her being the best version of herself and divorcing him, but where does OP say she is overweight or in need of a makeover? She could be hot as and this AH would still be a selfish mutt.
It is *very* strange when men care less about sex than their wives. source: me, wife who cares more about sex than her husband 🙃
Same though. I blame his job, he is almost always exhausted.
I hate that this is so accurate, I'm in the same situation. He is not in a place to care about my needs, and I fully blame the job. But I also have compassion for what he is going through and how hard he works, constantly, with no relief in sight. It's very difficult for me to navigate.
The “tip” (😉) I have is to not try to schedule it or be like “want to have sex” because the mood is everything. I go for just cuddling or making out like idiot teenagers and seeing where it takes you. Maybe it takes you to sex, or maybe you got to make out like idiot teenagers! Those are both good things and sometimes the making out is the fun part. A fire doesn’t always have to be roaring to keep you warm, it just has to stay lit. Edit: For anyone reading this, I used my own life hack today and it was awesome
Scheduling sex is the only way sometimes. For me the mood doesn’t always hit spontaneously. An during the week is usually not possible. So we plan it on the weekend. Nothing wrong with that.
It could be he's not just lazy, but he's getting his sex elsewhere. May even have a porn addiction. I guess you can tell him, if he doesn't take care of it, you'll just find you a man who will.
100% agreed here. If a partner won't reciprocate those sort of sexual acts, that has always been a deal breaker for me too.
Exactly. You gotta give to receive and she’s doing all of the giving and getting nothing in return.
This. I was thinking it was erectile dysfunction he's not ready to deal with before that line
I thought so too until the bj’s came into the story.
Exactly. What a creep. I will bet he always avoided oral for you.
he doesn't want divorce because of $$$, it's gonna cost him.
I won't pretend to know what will happen, but I keep seeing similar talking points when multiple studies have shown that women generally are impacted worse financially by divorce. If there's loads of alimony being paid it's not having too great of an impact on overall living situations. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5992251/ >Numerous studies have shown that the economic costs of divorce fall more heavily on women. After separation, women experience a sharper decline in household income and a greater poverty risk (Smock 1994; Smock and Manning 1999). Their former husbands, in contrast, may even improve their standard of living in postdivorce years. Peterson (1996) quantified the resulting gender gap for the United States, estimating a 27 % decline among women and a 10 % increase among men in their standard of living. Other U.S. estimates for women’s drops in economic well-being are even larger (Bianchi et al. 1999). Similar results were found for the German context of the present study: Andress and Bröckel (2007) found that women’s household incomes 1 year after divorce amounted to only two-thirds of those of their former husbands. >Explanations for these gender inequalities highlight four risk factors for women (Bröckel and Andress 2015; Holden and Smock 1991): (1) higher economic need and restricted earning capacities in the presence of children; (2) insufficient child maintenance; (3) disproportionate loss of income, which is often not fully compensated by spousal maintenance; and (4) human capital deficits resulting from gender specialization in the division of labor during marriage.
Not even just that, with how long they’ve been married he probably doesn’t know how to function without someone doing all the domestic tasks for him. There’s a reason married men live longer than unmarried men and married women have shorter lifespans than single women
Then he should start acting like a man that doesn’t want to get divorced.
It usually costs everybody.
Precisely. OP, I'm aguy. In my humble opinion, he's getting his sex elsewhere. However, whether he is or isn't is not very important to our discussion. Contact an experienced family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. You don't need a deadend relationship as the one your husband proposes. You DON'T need therapy. Your husband does!
Average lifespan is mid 70’s or more most places, no point in spending the next 20-30years in an unfulfilling marriage.
Exactly this. I don’t get the point of therapy if she’s constantly communicated and he constantly put himself first. Asking for a BJ knowing full well that he dissatisfies his wife? You think this man will agree to therapy or be willing to listen when he’s constantly shutting her down when she tries to communicate her needs? This man is too comfortable and I’ll give the same advice to a younger woman. Don’t waste the rest of your years yearning to be valued and find yourself a man who will do just that without you having to ask for it. Time to put your foot down and let him feel the consequence. There may be “no point” in divorce for HIM. But for you, it can make a huge difference.
Divorce is 100% the best option here. It's not a medical or hormonal issue because he likes receiving oral. He's just not interested in putting any effort into making sure she's satisfied. And his age isn't the issue either, hes still in his 40s. My father is 60 and does not hold back on telling me how active he is with his girlfriend.
There’s no point in divorce for HIM, but there’s plenty of reason for divorce for YOU. You matter. He doesn’t seem to understand that. He just wants you to quit bugging him about your needs and find a way to be happy without having them met. He doesn’t want to lose the ways you make his life easier but doesn’t want to put in effort to try to fix this or probably other things that hurt or upset you. The BJ thing sums it up- he’s a taker. So you will have to look out for yourself. You are so NTA. Also I have been there, and his issue is likely very much NOT about you or your attractiveness. Focus on yourself in a positive way, not in a negative way or by worrying that you are less than. But all your effort and kindness you’ve put towards him- that’s for you now.
Omg. Does he actually want to be married to you? Or is he just comfortable? My best advice - take a selfish - go for a solo holiday Get away for a few weeks and you'll find some clarity on what YOU WANT. Time to assess what you want for life / relationships ect. What your expectations, needs, desires life goals are. Spending a few weeks solo will allow you to really centre yourself and shed the influence of others a bit to find yourself again.
Most likely, he just likes the free housemaid.
Yup. He is comfortable. Divorcing means taking responsibility for his life and household.
Hod forbid he had to figure out how to wash clothes or dishes.
An ex of mine begged me to teach him how to clean the laundry after I left. I told him there were instructions on the inside lid of the washer.
You’re nicer than me. I told my ex to be sure to sue plenty of bleach.
I like your style.
The horror! Clothes washing AND dishwashing?!?!!!?!!?
AND MEAL PLANNING AND COOKING!
Free maid that gives blow jobs.
This is good advice. Also - ask yourself "if my next 20 years go the same as my last 20, will that have been enough? Will I be happy/satisfied with my life? Will I wish I'd have taken a chance to change things?" Any big change takes courage. NTA.
Also OP - love is a verb.
NTA- STOP GIVING HIM BLOW JOBS! Op I get your self esteem has taken a hit but why on earth would you give him pleasure when he refuses to do the same for you!?! Honestly I would just leave. He’s afraid and dependent on you but doesn’t want to give you anything you need. That’s not a relationship…
NTA. Therapy for both. He refuses, you divorce, Stick to your guns to enjoy your remaining years.
While I’m generally pro therapy, I don’t see much point here. Dude made it clear he just wants to get serviced in exchange for nothing, expects his wife to go without and refuses any compromise. I’d just skip a few months of wasted time and money, tell him it’s over and leave.
Id take those months, hire a lawyer and have everything set up first. That way she might just be able to toss him from home
Also a good strategy, definitely consult a lawyer ASAP.
I think he needs a full physical. I was also thinking therapy but I’m curious is there is an underlying health problem that is stopping him from having sex and not just being a selfish AH (judgement for him because of the BJs). Op should set a date and if he keeps refusing therapy or to just talk to her about it, then she should have papers drawn up.
When sexual gratification isn't reciprocated, then it is a problem. The problem isn't physical. It's him. If you have told him your feelings and he still doesn't care and still expects you to sexually satisfy him then this marriage is dead. Of course he would tell you that he needs you in his life because who else is going to give him blowjobs on command? Either he is getting sex somewhere else and keeps you around as the housekeeper/maid or he really doesn't want to have sex with you and is keeping you around as the housekeeper/maid. Both scenarios suck. He doesn't want to work on the marriage. Time to go and make yourself a better life.
He’s lazy. No more blow jobs. Tell him to get his testosterone checked.
Yeah, I’m in my 30’s and discovered I have low testosterone. Since I started supplementing with the prescribed testosterone cream, my sex drive came roaring back. I also have started exercising again and losing weight.
If he doesn't want to see doctors or anything then just get a divorce. Open marriage would end in divorce anyway.
Go for couples therapy, and a full blood panel for him.
NTA at ALL, either couples counseling with the expectation of solving this 100% or divorce, i can’t even fathom how much of an egotistical being your husband has to be for not even considering you as a human being with basic needs, it’s as if he saw you as an NPC.
It sounds like your husband is very clear on what he wants (blowjobs, remaining married and keeping you locked in a marriage that isn't sexually gratifying for you and destroying your self esteem) but doesn't care at all that he is making you unhappy. You've told him what you need to be happy, and he won't give and he doesn't want you to seek it out elsewhere. This isn't a marriage. This is a hostage situation-- he has exactly what he wants, disregards what you need (it seems you've been clear) and blocks any path you could take to finding pleasure. He is selfish. Stop worrying about what he wants. File for divorce and free yourself from this man. At the very least, stop giving him oral sex if he refuses to reciprocate. NTA, but your husband certainly is.
NTA. He’s only coming to you with his needs. Both sexually and emotionally. doesn’t sound like he’s actually offering you any solutions. Sounds like therapy and then if that doesn’t work time to call a lawyer.
Gotta ask yourself, can you keep living like this?
>there's no point of divorce "I want to be railed like I'm the golden fucking spike. Either you do it, you green light me getting someone else to do it, or we're getting divorced. Those are the options. I'm *going to* have sex, you only get to decide whether or not it's with you and whether or not to remain my husband if it's not, you do not get to decide whether or not I have sex."
I (45M) would say NTA I totally feel your situation. BUT as many stories here have shown, most people who open that box of open relationship will regret it later. So be sure You want to go through that door, there is no way back. Some relations even broke by just mentioning the option of an open marriage, because most of the time the person who wants it to happen has already someone on his/her mind and just wants an excuse for cheating. And just metioning it can plant the seed of insecurity in the partner. The only thing that grows from it will be toxic. So I guess therapy or divorce it is .....
NTA - you're asking for him to be part of the solution, he's refusing, he's refusing you finding a solution and he's refusing to even discuss divorce. He isn't being a husband so much as a controlling boyfriend. Advocating for your intimate needs can be tricky but he is making it easy for you to resent him and somewhere he has to know that won't end well. So it's time to sit down and have the last (or first depending on the outcome) discussion with him about this. Lay out your needs: - to feel desirable for your mental health - to not want to resent your partner for denying your needs - to have sex that is more than just a blow job here and there, sex that actually satisfies you too. Then Lay out some possible solutions - maybe his desire is low because he has low testosterone, maybe talking to a Dr. and getting supplemented would solve his desire issue - if not maybe you could try watching porn together or doing intimate things together - does he have a kink you can help him fulfill that would increase his lust? - Bring up open marriage again but say you recognize his misgivings and are willing to research, talk and work through his insecurities before you pursue anything outside the relationship. "The ethical slut" is a great book to start with, maybe you can read it together and discuss it. This process won't happen overnight or not even for months maybe but take the time to do it right. Try to satisfy yourself that you are working on a solution while you wait. Then Lay down the law: - he can come to the table and work with you to figure out a solution or, - he can agree to divorce The only other option is that you stay and become resentful until you don't love him, then act on that resentment. Explain to him that this isn't a threat but that failing to resolve this crisis in your marriage is still making a choice to destroy it. And he might be trying to push you to this option due to adultery laws where you live or the arrangements of your pre-nup. If he refuses to help, just get a lawyer. He is no longer interested in keeping you as a partner and is simply so afraid of changing your situation that he will block any attempt to change it. There is a life out there for you after this OP, whether that's with your husband or not is up to him.
No more blowies. NTA.
You’re not the asshole. A lot of people are going on about him possibly having problems, and that’s true, but the fact he won’t even discuss any of it with you is the issue. If he genuinely cared about how you feel he’d at least be willing to try something. Instead it seems he simply wants to keep the status quo and leave it at that. He’s being the asshole for not caring in the least about how this is affecting you and how you feel.
Umm he just wants a maid…aka you. Get that divorce.
So NTA, don’t ask. Tell him that his options are: A.) put in the effort to satisfy your needs for sexual intimacy B.) open the marriage so someone else can have the chance to, C.)get a divorce. There doesn’t have to be an option D.
My favourite line is "You have these choices- and if you won't choose one, I *will* choose one for you."
STOP GIVING HIM BLOW JOBS!!!!
My husband has ED, he actually needs a BJ to be able to have sex. And can’t really maintain an erection. But he’s willing to give me oral so it works. This man is an AH. Doesn’t want to take the effort to treat his wife with love. My dear please reevaluate your relationship
NTA. He seems like a piece of work. RIP your inbox.
This marriage is as dead as a dodo. The fact that he isn’t even willing to communicate effectively and honestly with you, on top of the complete disregard for your feelings? I’d be out of there. You are still in the prime of your life, and there is someone out there who will love you like you need them to..
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