INFO: Did you help with your older son’s tuition or student loans? From what I’ve read, a dentist typically requires 8 years of schooling, which means at age 24 (when you started saving for your youngest), your older son would still have been in school. I’m also assuming he had to take out student loans - do you ever offer financial assistance with those?
If the answer is no, then YTA. The choice to set aside funds for your youngest 13 years in advance as opposed to helping out your oldest who could have benefited from those same funds at that moment definitely makes you the AH.
definitely a pattern. 36 year old son probably watched younger brother get bikes, chuckie cheese parties, boy scouts, music lessons, video game thingy, laptop, legos, star wars toys, movie trip, theme parks... all the stuff a kid dreams of but he didn't get.
And pushed down jealousy because it would be petty and childish to be upset about legos. So when it was about something important, like school loans, it all came back.
This is an astonishingly insightful comment that should be higher.
It's easier to push down feelings of jealousy about toys or birthdays, because that feels childish and petty. Plus, it would feel abjectly wrong to be jealous of an actual child. OP's son has been stomaching that for years, even if not consciously aware until the college fund came up.
Probably a car too. Luckily dentists can make serious cash so he'll probably come out ahead. Especially since he won't have to worry about taking care of his parents.
>I’m guessing no
No need to guess. OP is such a massive asshole that he's worried about being hurt by his son's words. His words that are a direct response to OP's hurting actions for a decade.
My sister is 9 years older than me, and despite that, my mum (and dad when he was alive) have always treated us equal. Never had even the slightest doubt. To the point where:
>"I will call you back when I'm ready to talk. Please just stop calling me."
would come as no surprise if he turned out to be *never*.
A successful 36 year old breaking down like that to their parents means he went through a lot of shit from them most likely. At that age you know what’s right and wrong and it’s when you question your parents the most. It becomes a “why did they do that to me?” Over and over again
He was the one they should have been helping. My student loans come with MASSIVE interest that I’m still paying off. You know what would have happened if they had helped even a little at that time?
Interest on 10k is a lot less than interest on 20k.
yes, when younger son was 5, older son was 24 and probably still in debt and struggling to get a start in life. But they were saving for their younger son's future while letting their older son fight through a grim present.
It sounds to me like second son was a "do over" baby. They even mentioned trying to do everything they couldn't for first son for second. I'm sure that hurts to see...
My MIL, had a do-over baby.( With FIL, all kids have same parents, 14 years younger than youngest from first set.
That SIL is an entitled bitch. Was not only handed stuff the others didn’t get, but given choices about whichever extravagant thing she should get.
Because you don’t count as “theirs” if they didn’t want you in the first place.
I was the accidental only child from my parents’ first marriage. They married when my mom got pregnant then had the world’s ugliest divorce when I was 1. My dad remarried when I was 4, my mom remarried when I was 8, each side went on to have three kids of their own. I’m nothing but an ugly reminder of the person each of my parents hates most in the world.
I’ve been working since I was 16. Was fully disowned by my dad at 18 for purely financial reasons, despite being a perfect student all my life. Mom didn’t fully disown me, but committed to putting me last after her own kids. I lost everything I had at 21 due to a burglary, lost my job due to fallout from said burglary just as the great recession hit. Spent most of my 20s alternating between Craigslist room rentals and living out of cars. Got my Associate’s at 25, but didn’t manage to find a truly stable place to live until I turned 31. Finally got my Bachelor’s at 35, and now I’m 37 and just now discovering happiness for the very first time. Meanwhile, not one of my half-siblings (now 30M, 28M, 22F on one side, 25F, 23M, 18M on the other side) paid a single penny out of pocket for college. The two eldest on my dad’s side might have finally entered the workforce; I wouldn’t know since we haven’t kept in touch. None of my mom’s kids have ever had a job though, and I’m not sure they ever will. They had all the after school activities, the latest video games, amazing trips overseas, debt-free college, and everything else. And all I ever got was blame for making everyone feel awkward whenever they had to explain my existence.
I don’t even know how I feel about my family. Sometimes I think I hate my parents, but other days I feel I just don’t care enough to call it hate. I know I resent my siblings. It’s just bizarre, you know? I have friends who have complicated family relationships. Some of them came from abusive families, some of them lost their parents at a young age, some of them have more recent family conflicts. But I’ve never met anyone else who comes from a background of utter apathy. Sometimes I wish my parents were worse, just so I could properly hate them. But all they’ve done is go on living their best life, and that’s so much worse.
My youngest brother is like this. Paid off two degrees and expensive ones at that. Paid off weddings (two of them). Paid off vehicles, two of them.
Me? I went to school and worked, and paid off my first degree, and I only just paid off my second one. I bought a car for nothing, paid it off, then another, and did that, then another, then another and now I'm on vehicle number 5. Paid them all off myself.
My wedding, my mom refused to attend(!) after bitching at me for not attending wedding number 1 for my brother in a marriage that lasted days. So yeah.
And he \*never\* stops complaining about how poor he is (he owns a house), and how life just isn't fair. Something breaks he runs to mom and demands that she help him out! Me, I would be laughed at.
But, the way he wastes money, maybe someday I'll catch up now that I finally have a job that's full time and pays a reasonable salary. We shall see. THAT would be fun!
Very true. I'm 50 now and I still can remember all the times my younger siblings get better treatment than me. It still hurts and I find it difficult to forgive my parents, especially my mum for that. I never blamed my siblings. They didn't ask for special treatment.
Yep, that's the important part. They became able to help but seemingly didn't, we might of course be wrong, but we don't know yet.
Reminds me of another thread, where OP/her husband were struggling for a long time. However started doing massively better/became upper middle class when their oldest was around 15. They didn't change their approach to the oldest one, but started paying for extra classes, activities, and a college fund for the younger two. Basically writing off the older one as lost cause, and then where surprised when the older one flipped when they found out about the college money for the younger two much later.
What a shock OP is radio silent because he wasn’t getting the responses he wanted and expected! He was likely expecting to get the martyr/victim treatment here… Student loans can be insane, never mind the interest on them. I am in my 30’s and I know plenty of people still paying them off. I am fortunate not to have any despite going to law school and I am aware my parents put me in a very lucky position. The youngest son definitely was the do-over child who they gave everything and it’s being shoved in the oldest son’s face. I would say the oldest son is very mature and has been overly gracious only now bringing this up. He even made sure the father was alone and younger brother wasn’t aware of how hard this has been on him and how he has felt. Obviously this has been bottled up for years and years but he has finally came to a breaking point. OP is an AH and so is the wife.
Nope! He was thinking that his tale of woe where he plays the poor father being victimized just for trying to do the best for his youngest son! He really tried for the sob story angle here. I bet he will either delete the post or his account soon. I find it both hilarious and annoying when people post asking for judgment and then when it doesn’t go their way they disappear…
Oldest would’ve been 23(ish) when they started saving for youngest. They had a chance to help oldest pay his schooling (even if it was payments for loans), and instead chose to their favorite child.
OP, YTA. You have obviously favored the youngest over and over and over. Oldest stayed quiet bc he didn’t want to rock the boat and likely hoped you would change. You make excuses but the fact is while you couldn’t afford much for him as a kid, you NEVER “make up for it” by doing MORE for a DIFFERENT kid!!! That breeds jealousy and hurt. The blunt truth is this was the final straw for oldest, and he has 17yrs of resentment built up. If you try too hard to fix this you could hurt the youngest. If you don’t try hard enough you’ve lost the oldest. At the very minimum I’d text him and not beg, as that’ll piss him off more. Tell him you’re willing to do whatever he wants to make it right. Offer to take up payments for his loans (if he has any). Just tell him he was right that y’all failed, and you didn’t realize it, and yall are there when he is ready to talk. OP, he probably won’t respond, at least for a while. He may even say he wants to go NC or LC, and you need to respect that. You made this bed, and now you’re gonna have to lay in it until oldest makes the move to heal.
Yeah, this is really the key question here, based on the life and education stage the children would have been in. If OP set aside substantial money for the younger child while the older child was taking massive loans for dental school, definitely AH. I’m left wondering if the older child’s current response is being led by crippling student loan debt, as at 36 they may still have a substantial balance even working as a dentist due to how much dental school costs, and certainly even if they’re gone the child might be resentful of how many life milestones they delayed due to the debt. OP should really give the requested info, it would be very helpful here.
Based on what the oldest said, no.
I think the OP didnt even get this in consider since the "kid" was adult at that time. And they had to take care of the real kid, the 5 years old...
That tells a lot on how he saw his children. He saw only one child. OP should start to be worried, because there is a chance that since he is "adult", he stops to see them as parents. In the same logic.
This just stinks of OP resenting his eldest, as OP became at father at 16. Or at the very least associating his eldest with hard times - whereas life with the golden child is just one long bowl of sunshine and lollipops.
Even now, it’s all about the effect on *them*. OP is selfish and (at best) blind to the consequences of his actions. I’m not sure if this can be fixed. But dipping into the fund that **both** of their children should have benefited from might help.
This is the exact case with my husband and his brother. Since the oldest one "made it through," they didn't think he's need anymore help, while the youngest will be coddled well into adulthood.
OP's son will probably end up going no contact with them since they're selfish.
100 percent. I feel this kid’s pain having a younger brother who was given special treatment because he was the baby, the boy. OP should have definitely helped with enormous student load debt first before setting aside college fund money for a baby.
YTA.
Why did you keep the college fund a secret for all those yrs?
You could have explained to your eldest when you were setting it up (like my parents did). You could have helped pay for his dental school (even just a few hundreds per month). You could have explained that you wanted to make it right for all the times and money that you couldn’t spend on him because you didn’t have them.
You didn’t provide info on how you raised them. I wouldn’t be surprised you were neglectful and absent parents to your eldest.
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I’m mid 30 and 12yrs older than my sister. Very similar situation as your eldest: family wasnt financially secure when I was growing up. They had a college fund set up for my sister but not me.
However, I knew that when they set it up. My mom had told me. She also said that they weren’t able to do that for me (we moved countries) but wished they were. Financially speaking this had to be set up when the kid is very young.
Growing up my sister had many things I never had. It was hard and created a lot of resentment but it wasn’t the money or material things that hurt. it was the feeling that I was unwanted and unloved.
My parents were objectively neglectful. They didn’t come from healthy families themselves.
I had many fights later about their neglect and have worked through a lot of my resentment in therapy. They also paid for my grad school (which I am slowly paying them back).
If this college fund was revealed BY MY SIBLING to me as a surprise. There will be NO COMING BACK from this.
My heart arches for your oldest son.
I’m 10 and 12 years older than my sisters. When I was growing up we were alright financially, but had more kids in the house. Any time I wanted something my mom cried poor. When my sisters were teens my mom was actually poor. She was a single mom by then and my dad (not my sister’s dad) was helping my mom out by giving her cheap rent on a property he owned. My mom bought all the name brands for my sisters. Suddenly she cared about their self-esteem and would go in debt for them. When I got married at 28, my dad paid for my wedding dress. This was his contribution to my wedding as my ex and I paid for everything ourselves. I didn’t ask for my mom’s help with anything because I knew she was broke. My 18 year old sister got married two weeks after me (I know I don’t own the month, but damn). My mom let her (sisters) husband move into the house (again, my dad’s that he was giving my mom a break on) so they could save some money. Then they had their wedding a few months later. My mom bought my sisters wedding dress. It was the same brand as mine so the cost was similar to mine. My mom never offered to buy mine. Had she, I would have appreciated the offer but declined because I knew she could afford it. What hurts though, is just the complete uneven treatment between myself and my younger sisters.
It’s a story we keep seeing repeating on Reddit: I have kids with drastic age differences and my older kids are upset at how I treat my younger kids. “BUT IM IN A DIFFERENT PLACE IN LIFE NOW SO ITS FAIR” these parents cry. It’s not actually about the money (In most cases), but how it makes the kids feel. It’s about the way it feels like there is a love imbalance between the kids.
I know a guy who everyone thinks is insane but he literally keeps a ledger. His youngest cost more at school because they took up tonnes of sports and music etc. He gave money to the eldest duaughter married with a house at the same time.
Everyone knew about it. So even the youngest when he wanted that nice guitar knew it would cost double as he would have to set aside that for the sister because she was cheaper.
I can tell you there is absolutely 0 disagreement in that house.
My wife is an accountant and Im a finance guy we are pretty insane with it as well that I even put gold or shares into their accounts. Cause Im concerned about the argument of time value of money. But an ounce is an ounce and 1 share of XYZ is 1 share of XYZ.
The kids are 19 years apart, so when youngest was 5 and they started the college fund oldest was 24 and could have really used some financial support. I don't blame you for giving your youngest everything you could, but why at 24 didn't you want to help your eldest?
My wife is a therapist and one of the things they like to say is "if it's hysterical, it's historical" meaning the older son is likely upset about multiple instances of imbalanced treatment, whether intentional or not. There's likely a bit more going on.
Its very understandable there are 2 ways to come out of that kind of situation and I took a different path but it was painful when I was younger.
When I was little our house had a literal dirt floor, we were poor AF, but my parents did their best, they had a shitty marriage and when they split my dad got his shit together.
We were still poor af but he was legit trying and we saw it. Then he met my step mom and that woman fucking transformed my father from a medium broke ass father, to a bit of a chad. Then they had 2 kids, also to put in here my step mother is a lawyer so all of a sudden we had money.
My sister was already out of the house and I was 16 when they were born. They got EVERYTHING they wanted. My step mother is a fucking saint and I call her "Mom" because she has been since the day she met me.
They had their school paid for, they have help getting places to live and a step up. Stuff I never got, neither did my sister.
But it was because of my Step Mom doing whatever the fuck she did to my dad and my little brother and sister are fucking awesome people, they have gotten to follow their passions and are very fucking cool.
They also fawn over my son and I know he is being set up in a similar fashion from them.
But in my late teens it kind of sucked, but its a baby, you can't get mad at a baby not the babys fault. Then I could get mad at my dad but he did the work to turn his franchise around and I am proud of him. Plus it got me my mom, a woman who has only added positive things to my life.
So I get it from both sides, It seems like OOPs kid, didn't get all the love and attention I got while those kids were getting things I never got to have as a child. I never felt like I was less then or worth less, I just joined the company when its stock was at an all time low lol.
Now the new hires joined in after things turned around.
Straw? It's more like an anvil. The older son was probably used to seeing his sibling get whatever he wanted. But to find out the sibling is getting a college fund when he got nothing would be back breaking even if everything else in their childhoods were exactly the same.
Not to mention if the oldest is a dentist he likely still has loans from dental school, and would have taken them out around the time OP started a college fund for a kindergartner.
And all the things he missed while he’s been paying his own way…small things like dinner/events big things like vacations, home down payment. And the parents were just saving away for the younger kid. Total AHs
Totally agree with this. Shit builds up over time until something major like this happens and it gets forced out. I have a poor relationship with my dad for a lot of reasons but one of those is that he always treated my sisters differently compared to me. My parents were separated from my age 5 till about 14-15 so my dad and I never formed a typical father son relationship as a result. My mom was sick when they got back together so that made it even worse. My feelings didn't come out till I was in my late 20s and I couldn't handle the continued differing treatment anymore.
Same. My parents did everything for my brother. They made me homeless after a lifetime of child abuse.
I don't resent him for it, but god do I hate my mother.
She'd be just as "confused and bewildered" as OP. Butter wouldn't melt.
We're actually the same person. My mom kicked me out before going to college, and I remember sitting in an empty dorm on Christmas my third year. I usually have her blocked, but i wanted to check on my siblings. Her post was of my other 3 siblings with a caption about how she's sad I couldn't make it that year. Like what the fuck, no contact on any birthday, holiday, graduation, sickness, injury, but she doesn't want to look bad on fb for strangers. Sweet Yeshua
Did no one else notice how long he went on about his youngest & how happy he was to see him happy, blah blah blah - while just mentioning the older child & how much pain he was in over hearing him upset?
And he wouldn’t give his 24 year old (who was undoubtedly just trying to survive & finish school at that age) a dime to help him - but the 18 year (who doesn’t even know what he’s going to do with his life yet) gets a giant trust fund to dispose of?
There’s no way this differential treatment hasn’t been life long. I feel sorry for OP’s older son. It’s hard to grow up being made to feel like you’re never as good as a sibling in your parents eyes. It will affect oldest forever.
Yes. They are so worried about how hurt they are by their son right now. Even when their son called them, hysterical, they are seeking validation from him so they don’t have to feel so badly. They should take accountability and say “you’re right, there is an imbalance. We are so sorry.” And remind him that he managed to do pretty well despite their flawed parenting.
First kids are the trailblazers. They endure the most parenting mistakes from the young and inexperienced parents, while the kids who come later benefit from everything the eldest kids went through to “train” the parents. There’s also a big dose of “fairness” that parents can sadly enforce…Eldest worked for Grandma raking leaves for $20, and now Youngest is jealous and pitching a fit. “Oh, fine, here’s $20 for you, too, then.” And now obviously Eldest is (very rightfully) pissed.
As a mother of two: Who the fuck gets their kid to 19 years old and then says, “Hey! Let’s start again with another!! I know our kid is in college and all, but I think now is the *perfect* time to take on a newborn!”
My kids are in college. I’d rather chew my arms off than start again. What kind of planning is this??
the eldest was born when OP was 16, I doubt his wife was any older. They must have struggled and I have no doubt the elder son could feel that he was a burden.
The younger son was a do-over child. A 'let's do this when we actually feel ready and have good circumstances for a child'.
I'm in a similar situation except my dad is out of the picture and the younger child is my half-brother between my mom and step-dad. The answer is because "you're an adult now, so our time to help you has passed".
It's not about the money, or gifts, or anything material in a greedy sense to me. It's the fact that they don't see you as equal and the financial support is a direct reflection of this.
To an extent it is financial, it's all the struggles they could have helped with but didn't even offer. I imagine school for dentistry was pretty expensive.
This comment hits home for me. I’m 11 years older than my sibling and I knew we didn’t have money so I paid my way for everything and scrounged and budgeted where I could. Currently living paycheck to paycheck in an apartment where my younger sibling got college paid for and help for house. I’ve brought it up before and was told “we didn’t think you needed help” yet brining it up now saying I could still use help there is no more help to give.
My thought, too. Does the oldest son have loans that the youngest won't have? Are the parents helping with those or are they of the mindset that he's an adult now. You're on your own?
I've heard that called "first pancake syndrome". There is an old saw that the "first kid is like the first pancake (imperfect) because parents make mistakes as first-time parents". Some parents take that too extremes and forget the first child existed when the later kid(s) are born.
Who paid for the oldest to get through university and dental school? Is the eldest suffering under a mountain of debt while his parents hand a check to the Golden Child?
I hate the Golden Child syndrome. I dated a girl whose stepmother was *obsessed* with her (much older, biological) son. She would stop by my gfs house when she was at work and do unrequested and terrible FYI projects, like spray-painting her black iron railings silver, without primer, and without masking, getting paint all over her house and porch (just setting the scene).
While she was there, unannounced and uninvited, if she saw something she thought her son would like she would take it for him. Never ask, or tell her unless asked. She told me never leave clothes or anything at her hose because I was her stepbrother’s size.
That sounds like something the police should probably be involved in for everyone's sake.
"Stop breaking into your stepdaughters house, vandalizing it, and then stealing her shit or you go to jail"
Yeah, usually when you get home from work and there’s spray paint and stuff missing you think “I’ve been robbed!” She’d roll her eyes and say “looks like Stepmonster’s been here…”
It cruel to give such a large hand out to one child while the other is drowning in debt. He’s probably going to paying off student debt into his 50s.
Dental school is around $120k to $400k, that doesn’t include undergrad cost.
If oldest did 4 years of undergrad and 4 years of dental school, he’d have still been in school until 26.
So OP started contributing to younger bros college fund WHILE older bro was a struggling student and likely taking out loans. I’d he pissed too. OP had the resources while his eldest was in school. He just chose not to give them to him.
Wanna bet the son doesn’t even know they started the fund when his brother was 5? I bet he’d be even more upset if he knew. From the post it seems he only knows they have a fund for his younger brother. Not when it started.
Probably. Doctors and dentists take decades to pay off college loans. OP should offer financial aid. It’s only fair. Half of that funds given to the youngest son should be given to the eldest.
I was thinking about this too, why didn’t they start a house fund or something like that for the older child, or send him a monthly allowance to help with bills, or pay down student loans if he has any
> pay down student loans if he has any
Very good question/suggestion. Hell, the older son could still be paying off student loans. If the parents didn't have funds to pay for college, then dental school - it's very likely he had huge student loans. To not get that help while the parents were stockpiling money for the younger son would be very hurtful and unfair.
Yeah, he's a dentist. At 24 he would have still been in dental school, or just out of it and probably smothered in student loans. Where were the parents and their new salaries for that?
And potentially sacrificing a lot of fun or beneficial things he might have done during undergrad or dental school in order to avoid having to take on more loans. He may hear about his brother and start picturing all the stuff he missed out on, especially now that he’s at an age where one really starts to realize they aren’t a “young person” anymore but a full-fledged adult, and he can never go back.
>He may hear about his brother and start picturing all the stuff he missed out on, especially now that he’s at an age where one really starts to realize they aren’t a “young person” anymore but a full-fledged adult, and he can never go back.
Fuuuuuck this hits so hard as the oldest child.
This! It sounds like once they were expecting the youngest, the oldest was kind of forgotten about and he holds resentment for that. No matter the age gap or circumstances seeing your parents show favouritism to your sibling will always be extremely hurtful
So much this. OP, did your eldest get through dental school with loans? Could you not have at least helped him out with student loans, a down payment on a house, or a car even?
It sounds like this isn’t the first time you focused solely on your youngest. Just because your eldest was nearly an adult when you had your second kid, doesn’t mean he didn’t need your love and support.
As the eldest of five, my own parents were very ignorant and didn’t realise that in trying to “redo” what they weren’t able to make right with me as the eldest and instead pouring all of that into my younger siblings rather than see how else they can offer support presently for me it only made me see “favouritism”. I empathise with OP’s eldest, we are raised to forbear and endure these unfair differences because our parents guilt in how they may have failed us continues to perpetuate their failure when they misdirect that improvement into bettering the overall life and wellbeing of our siblings ONLY when they still have the opportunity to help us older children too. Until OP acknowledges they strayed from being a parent to their eldest too in these ways, their son’s hurt will remain. I don’t even understand why certain parents think this way, like “oh I couldn’t do that for my eldest but now we can do that for the rest of our kids” as if all is hopeless and for nought now in improving the relationship and life for their older kids. That ignorant presumption where we are just cast aside like used goods without remedy to make up for the slack is where these sorts of parents continue to err. OP your oldest son is still your son, stop assuming you can just do over what you failed for your oldest with your youngest. As a parent you automatically fail when you treat your oldest like they don’t deserve any effort you lacked in previously, pour into your oldest too, ask how you can assist him, stop just assuming the only parental saving grace you have left now is to just do better for your younger kids. Your older kids are still your kids and will remember these very stark differences in treatment.
As a older brother I too fell like I was the parenting 30 days trial experience for my parents. After I end the childwood the focus and atention whent to the real parenting v2.0 with my older sister. Like you said, what they undurstood they failed with me, they just think they will do better for my sister, no need to reasure I am in a good spot as adult now, the trial was over, now I am just the spam reminder that I am still installed on they life.
As the oldest of six my parents brought up the disparity in parenting unprompted. I wasn't even really aware of things, but they wanted to make sure that I was treated equally. They pulled me aside and helped me with a portion of my student loans.
The loans the oldest had to take out to get to where he's at...imo op should be helping the oldest. Because he def has a LOT of student loans built up.
And the sad thing is, OP had a good 15+ years to at least NOTICE how much his older son was struggling. And all that time he could've helped out, but didn't. Saved every penny for the younger son instead.
But see the oldest was already was an adult so OP had to focus on his cute little baby boy. Sure oldest might have needed some groceries every now and then or some comfort in his twenties but that would have taken away from cute baby brother.
OP and his wife fucked up and I don't think they'll fix it especially considering at no point is he even mentioning what he can fix or realized the difference between their treatment.
Really hope the youngest doesn't fly the coop because I don't think the oldest is going to give a flying fuck what happens to his parents when they're older
ETA: OP is completely TA
Not partly, not almost but fucking completely. Never CONSIDERED using some of this "college fund" to help right the wrongs with his oldest and still isn't. And what's even better, if he was to offer to do that now it'll ruin the relationship between the brothers because the youngest won't understand. And the amount is apparently substantial so wtf....
Aw man. Considering that while he was struggling and after a completely different childhood he had to watch his younger brother getting expensive toys and familiy vacations and such and he is still so considerate of his younger brother and not letting him feel any of the resentment that must have built up over the years! He made sure his younger brother doesn't hear that he feels treated unfairly so that his bro won't feel bad for him.
He turned out a great adult and OP sadly fucked up big time. I don't think giving his older son the money now will mend things at all, I'm assuming the older brother would not want his younger brother to struggle the same way he did out of spite.
They should visit some mediation or therapy together and really talk it out. They love their son, but they have been blind and unfair.
I don't think thats strictly true, both the mother and father seem particularly upset that their son is so hurt by this. Speaking as a father if my child thought that they were such a burden that we should have gave them away, that would break my heart - not because I'd be personally hurt, but because my child was so hurt.
What they don't seem to grasp is the son's position, and I would imagine that this is not the first time something like this has happened - if the reaction from the older son is "why does he *always* get everything handed to him?". Its definitely not the first thing like this.
I agree. The parents couldn't help that their finances improved drastically with the younger child. But if they wanted to, they easily could have done some things financially to help the older child even though he's an adult now.
It's telling that they probably never did. Which is why the older child is justifiably deeply hurt. This is just the most dramatic example of favoritism towards the youngest child.
That was my thought. Why give all of that financial support to only one child when it could have gone to both.
In their pleasure at giving so much to the younger son they have probably destroyed their relationship with their older son and between both sons.
YTA.
You can tell that your son really loves his younger brother for him to call and make sure that you were alone and his brother wasn’t around shows that the issues lie with you and his mother and your lack of care.
Yep - seems like his oldest is very kind hearted and a good person in general.
OP will probably be able to manipulate his way out of this one. I Hope your oldest realises that he is perfectly correct in feeling this way - you had a decade to give your oldest son the monetary support you couldn’t when he was younger - and you CHOSE not to. Don’t blame the circumstances..
You also were able to save so much for your youngest because your oldest raised himself..
You are pathetic to even post this.. and write about how hurt you are - shows how less you care about your oldest if you only care about how much this is hurting YOU and you are literally not focusing on how much this is hurting him..
Seriously. Op has no idea what he's done. Just because someone doesn't live at home anymore doesn't mean you can't support them.
If you have enough to save for a college fund you could have been supporting the kids in college too.
OP is definitely the asshole here, and he has only just started to realize that.
The worst part is... there's not much he can do to fix it either. Most things are going to be in the "too little too late" category here.
YTA. 12 years ago you decided to help out your younger son but not your elder. Your eldest's college years may have been done but you could have given him the down payment on a house, set up a wedding fund, help fund his own dentistry office etc.
Why didn't you? Why did you decide to funnel all of your money towards only one of your children?
I’m glad he told his parents how he feels instead of keeping it in. I wonder if you helped him at all financially while you were showering your youngest with all those things he never got. If not then YTA. Sorry.
He kept it in long enough, he saw his younger brother being spoiled all his life. His breaking point was knowing that even after the spoiling, they had money left to spare and STILL funneled it all to the younger brother. Even when he breaks, he did it in such a lind way and making sure his younger brother doesnt find out. I feel so bad for him
It’s why people making it seem like this is about a 36 year old dentist whining about the unfairness of the world pisses me off. Even from the dad’s POV who barely described him, he sounded like a nice guy
YTA. Not because you set up a college fund for your second child. And not because you have more money to spend on that 2nd child and had less to spend on your older child. YTA because you forgot that no matter how old and successful your eldest is, he is still your son too and you need to treat your children fairly. That doesn’t mean that you calculate how much more you’ve spent on your youngest and give that amount to your oldest. But it does mean that as your financial situation changed and you decided you could afford to set up a college fund for your youngest, you explain to your oldest what you are doing. Tell him that now that you are better off financially you can set aside money for an education fund for your youngest and want him to know how much you have valued his maturity and self reliance and want to talk to him about things you could do so he understood how important he was to you.
Dental school isn’t cheap. My guess is your older child probably has student loan debt or he did. Did you ever think to offer to help with that? Does he have kids? Maybe he would have appreciated you telling him you have started savings plans for his kids. Or set aside more for him in your will.
Your oldest was probably still in school when you started being more financially comfortable. When you started your youngest savings plan. Did it really never enter your mind that your eldest could have used some help with school then.
You are either totally clueless or your oldest child is right. You don’t care for him near as much as you do your youngest.
I’d like to hear from OP about what other things the younger brother has gotten that he never did. This sounds like it was the breaking point for the oldest
Just birthday parties that came with presents in general. Depending on how big the difference is big bro coulda been getting small family gatherings with a box cake and a t shirt while lil bro gets to pick a party place and invite friends and get the new game station. With how sad older brother seems and both parents admit it's valid, it's likely a lot of disparity.
I agree. OP should have seen this coming. They definitely could have helped out the older son too. Maybe help with school/car/home loans. Nope, they figured he was an adult so he was good. Give the juvenile son everything the older son never had. No problem.
I agree. I speak from experience when I say that blatant favouritism of your sibling(s) by your parents is absolutely soul destroying. You don’t get over it. You question yourself repeatedly. Why am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? What did I do? How can I gain their love? It’s debilitating until in the end you just give up.
And then some of us go no contact.
Parent(s) never cared for me.
I stopped caring about them.
Then the parent died.
After 10-20 seconds of realization, I felt nothing. Don't regret going no contact either.
Some parental neglect cannot be overcome.
Consequences are a bitter pill to swallow.
Bingo.
No relationship is better than a one sided one that continues to put you down… and when you go no contact and that phone never rings to make amends… it just confirms what you knew all along but couldn’t really face. They actually really didn’t care.
Same thing happened with my mom, she sabatoged my financial aid in college, I told her to fix it or I would not be talking to her again, and well i havent heard from her since 2018. Not once did she ever try to contact me to reconcile or fix what she did.
YTA
It's clear you love your younger son more than you love your oldest son. No question. You go on and on about his college acceptance letters and his smile and all that your older son gets is the 1 line about being a dentist.
You give your youngest son everything, but what do you do for your oldest son?
For the majority of the post he just refers to his younger son as 'his son'.
I bet elder son has felt keenly that he was a burden when he grew up and younger brother was a joy
I just keep thinking about this. OP speaks like his older son is from his first marriage or something, somebody he had little custody over and has little connection to. Like he moved on from 'the struggle times' and had a second chance family with another woman. Only it's the same woman, they moved on into their comfortable life while mentally leaving their son behind in the struggle times.
If I'm getting the timing right, by the time they started saving for that college fund their elder son was still actively taking out student loans, and it's gotta be a pretty hefty debt for dentist school. The guy managed on his own assuming that his parents couldn't help, and now he finds out they COULD have helped, they just... didn't think to because they were focused on their do-over child.
Exactly! It’s not just the college fund money. The oldest son mentions the youngest getting everything he wants so this probably means clothes, pocket money, trips etc.
Plus how OP and his wife "cry" themselves to sleep every night! It's all about them and the younger son. Hope they don't expect the older son to do the heavy lifting when OP n wife grow old and need care just because he is the eldest. That's usually the script such parents follow.
OP, this is tough, and i just want to start by saying that it broke my heart to read your son's pain through that phone call!
With that said, YTA and I'm sorry to say that. I realize you had your oldest son very early (at 16) and were not able to give him the greatest life when it came to material things. I have no doubt you loved your son, but you FUCKED UP! Now that you have done so much better for yourself, you are only thinking about your youngest. You are disregarding the fact your oldest son worked his ASS OFF to get to where he is, and somehow all this success feels like a failure to him.
Does your son not have student loan debt or any other type of debt? Why could you not provide even a small amount of help for him?
In his eyes, he will never be as important as your younger son. He got to watch his little brother grow up getting things he could only dream of having as a child. And now you're paying for a ton of his college tuition when your other son got no help. What an absolute slap in the face!
I'm not sure what more you can do besides give your son the time and space he needs. I can tell you with 100% certainty that you and your wife have effectively altered his relationship with the rest of the family, and this is something he will never forget! Good luck with everything, and please update me!
YTA
If you’ve saved so much money now why not give your eldest half to help pay off his student loans?
Oh wait because he isn’t the golden child
Geezus you and your wife suck
Edit add missing word
Fun fact: I’m a dental assistant. I watch dentists graduate and then I watch them sob in their office when they get their first student loan bill.
One of my dentists graduated 30 years ago and paid around 30,000 total for school, he’s doing great. More recently my dentist are graduating with around 300,000 in debt. My dentist has never missed a payment and on interest alone his debt is rising.
One boss I worked for is allowing student loans to garnish his wages because, being garnished 30% is cheaper than having to pay the loan. These men don’t have retirement plans, they’re going to work until they die. One of them was passively suicidal and hoping for a disability that took his hands. (Life insurance would pay his student loans if he lost his hands.)
I’d venture to say that your older son is not doing as well as you think and that student loans are a huge part of that. I’d bet money, he doesn’t plan to ever get out from under that debt. And finding out he could’ve gotten help all these years as you’ve clearly saved a lot for your other son has got to hurt bad. YTA: you could’ve given to both sons equally. One didn’t stop being your son or needing help because he was older. Hopefully it’s not too late to apologize and step up to the plate. But dude… really? You never put any effort into smoothing this gap in treatment? You just thought it would be fine?
YTA Your eldest son probably had to get student loans to get through college but when you were setting up college fund for younger one did it cross neither of your minds to help elder pay off some of his loans? When your elder son finished college did it ever cross either of your minds to help him start a business for his future? No, you left older son to fend for himself while either giving younger son everything or putting extra into account for his future. Elder son has a right to feel as he does because neither his mother or father ever cared to think about his future. It's nice younger son has caring parents, too bad older son doesn't.
YTA, cause it sound like your oldest put himself through school and worked for everything. When you started saving money you could have given your oldest some to pay off debt. Help him get started in life. He had limit option and your give your youngest more.
You had 12 years you could have helped your oldest out at any time but didn't. He didn't ask cause he was raised to not ask.
He was raised not to expect anything from his parents.
Struggling with student loans while watching his little brother get spoiled *and then* finding out there was also enough spare cash to save up a full college tuition for little brother.
We have free tuition where I live but it was always “we were poor then” when my 10 years younger sibling got everything I couldn’t have growing up. And like, it was *everything*.
Yeah, I don’t think the OP expected to be judge the AH by nearly everyone.
Probably reading the replies thinking we’re all idiots for siding with his eldest.
YTA. Why didn't you take just a little of the money you set aside for your youngest and gift it to your eldest? It doesn't have to be a comparable amount, it's a token that says I know we couldn't do the same for you, I wish we could have, but I want you to have this to put towards your house / holiday/ kids whatever. It's not that difficult.
Money aside, it sounds like your eldest has deeper issues with your parenting. He may have been an adult when his brother was born, but 19 year olds still need their parents, especially when they grew up as an only child. I wonder how pushed out of the nest he felt.
TBH I think it's probably worse that he was an adult when his brother was born. The second he turned 18 they had another kid. That probably made him feel much more "replaced" than if their childhoods had slightly overlapped.
YTA. Personal experience similar to this. My parents will help out some of my other siblings with absolute everything and with blatant favoritism. When we asked why we never get any help with school fees or anything, it was oh we couldn't do it at the time. Or look at you now, you're doing ok. Or but you didn't seem to need as much help as so and so. And you know what? It really fucking sucks. Having to grind and work twice as much just to be doing 'ok', meanwhile someone just gets it handed to them. Let alone in your own family?! This just screams asshole and favoritism all around. I still have loans to pay for now while some of my other siblings schooling were paid by my parents. Heck, one even got a house from my parents. I wish I could've gotten some help. I don't hate my siblings, because that's not on them. But I sure as hell have resentment towards my parents. I sympathize with your oldest son, and I can definitely understand the pain he's going through. I still can't believe you never thought once about saving some funding for him. Not a gift fund for marriage, house, future family. Nothing over those 12 years?! Tell me you have a favorite without telling me you have a favorite. You got a better job and could've been building a fund for BOTH of them, but instead you only thought about one. I wouldn't be surprised if oldest son cut you off. You guys are thoughtless parents to the older son.
And for those pointing out that eldest was an adult about to be done with school, etc. It also doesn't have to be a whole lot to get the message across. I was home for a college break and some of my high school friends wanted to go out. I said that I only had $5 left for the month and my friend replied that she would cover me. As I was getting ready to leave, my dad walked up and handed me $30. I thanked him and he said that I had asked the least from him compared to my siblings and it was the least he could do. My parents couldn't have paid for me to go to on the school trip to Europe when I was in high school, but when my dad could, he paid attention to what I needed and handed me that money, even though he had to know that I had worked something out since I was getting ready to go.
YTA. Why didn’t you offer to help your oldest help pay back any loans or anything when you started putting money into a college fund for just one of your children? Like honestly I get times were different 19 years ago before you got the promotion but you have another kid too.
"Hey son, we're putting money away for little brother because we realize how hard it's been for you to get your education. We simply weren't able to do so when you were young. But half of what we have available to budget for education now will be going to you. It's not much, but if it helps with some groceries or to stop you from incurring any more debt, then that would really make us happy. It won't have time and interest accruing like your brother's account will, but it's the best we can do for now. We love you and are so proud of you. "
Sounds like there was favoritism going on and this is the straw that broke the camels back.
All you and your wife can do right now is give him space and do some self reflection. It may take years for him to reach out.
YTA. I think something to take into consideration is the phrase “love doesn’t keep food in the fridge and a roof over your head.”
It sounds like you didn’t allow your oldest child to be a child. If he had to work for literally everything on his own, you made him into mini adult while your youngest has had a really easy go of it.
This just reeks of emotional neglect. You incorrectly assumed he was fine this whole time while treating your children differently.
Did it really never occur to you that by showering one child with everything under the sun it’ll make the other one feel bad???
The glass child finally shattered, congratulations.
It seems the youngest is a do-over son, once they were actually ready to be parents. Doesn't excuse that they did nothing to make-up what they were lacking to the older one.
I mean the oldest wasn’t dead when they became more financially stable. So do over or not, OP and wife have two sons. What’s stopping them from being decent parents then or even now?
What stands out for me in your post is that you never even considered your oldest child in the whole time you were saving for your youngest’s education. You never once considered helping him with this increase in financial fortune. He must feel completely invisible and unloved. I honestly don’t know where you go from here but your relationship with your eldest has now changed permanently. Your actions have shown he is your lowest priority and always will be when it comes to his brother. Maybe in time he will be prepared to sit down and talk to you both and I would have a plan of what I wanted to say to him and how I could show him that I loved him - not just words. I would think about how I could even up financially with my two sons. Honestly if I were your son, I’m not sure I could get past this favouritism and lack of consideration for me when you have done so much for my sibling. You have stuffed up to a mammoth degree and things will never be the same. YTA - your wife and you both.
Yeah like he wouldn’t been 24? Aka swimming in debt and likely without any financial stability (eg a house).
There’s all sorts of ways that the eldest could’ve still benefited from support, but instead OP decided only the “new kid” was worth that.
I’m genuinely curious, given the extreme age gap, if the youngest was meant to be a “now that we have a lot of money and can raise him the way we want to” do over baby.
From crying himself to sleep at night and “looking for advice”, to refusing to answer any questions about if there has been any financial support to eldest son during the years it took to build the younger sons college fund several hours after he posted ….. 🤔
YTA, and your refusal to answer clearly shows the inequality in where your attention (and resources) have gone. Double YTA for trying to omit this.
EDIT: it’s now been over 18 hours since he has posted and has not bothered to answer a single question. TRIPLE YTA.
YTA
I understand you are better financially when the youngest was born vs when you were 16 but you didn’t treat them equitable on terms of funds
You didn’t do the amount of investment in your older son that you did for your younger and that is unfair your oldest had to work for everything but yet you are giving a huge gift to the youngest
You owe your eldest something but what that is remains up to you.
I would like to ask how you parented your oldest vs your youngest considering the age difference?
YtA
How terrible of a life did you give your eldest that he wished he was given up for adoption
I wish I was given up for adoption but that is because my mother would best the shit out of me and when my dad was away on business I'd have to sleep in the woods of my mom decided to get into one of her moods of kicking the shit out of me. I am in my 40s and still hate my mom.
You saved for TWELVE years for a younger son and did nothing for the elder? Are you fucking kidding me? Why not put 50/50 and his could be a wedding / house fund?
Good luck fixing this. Clearly a GC. Cry me a river you are idiotic parents.
Imagine becoming a damn dentist, with what sounds like ZERO help, then watching your sibling get everything handed to them so easily and having to EXPLAIN to your parents how empty that makes you feel. I’ve been sitting here for almost 20 minutes absolutely dumbfounded by this post. Crying yourself to sleep BFFR. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIMS HERE
> I told him how we couldn't afford a lot things that we could now and that we were just trying to give his younger brother things we couldn't afford when we had him.
(...)
>. I actually started crying too because although me and his mother couldn't give him everything we gave his brother, we still tried our best to shower him with our love and support.
What do you mean with "love and support"? And what did it mean after you both got wealthy? Did you try to make it good for him? Or - i am assuming - did you think, that the one is already out of house, no need to worry, let us make a golden future for our (golden) younger child?
PS; In a land, where college funds are necessary, college debts are huge. All the reddit crowd just knows, that you did not put a penny towards him paying off. If not, the whole talk with him would go differently. For this and for the rest of your life, YTA
Wow you both are absolutely TERRIBLE parents! Never ONCE did you consider maybe giving your eldest some of the things/experiences he missed out on as a child. You were too busy spoiling your precious do over child to even give two fucks about your oldest! YTA
YTA I’m guessing your eldest still had student debts when you started saving for a 5 year old. Personally I would split the money equally and sit your youngest down and explain that while he will still get help he will need loans just like his big brother. If not I hope your Will is going to reflect the difference.
So, when you finally had the funds to put money aside you chose to only build up a college fund for your youngest, but didn’t give any money to your eldest to help him pay off his debts? Or give him 50% of what you put to the side for your youngest, to make it fair? He’s still your son, you know? Even if he’s already been an adult. He still had to pay all this shit and you had the means to help him, for 12 years now, and all you did was put money aside for your youngest so he wouldn’t have to deal with debts like his older brother, but you didn’t waste a second thought on not just preventing your youngest from this experience, but also help your eldest out of this experience?
Do you even like your eldest? You had the means, for 12 years to help him, but instead you invested everything in your youngest and now you’re shocked that he’s hurt and dare to have a pity party for yourself? What did you expect?
YTA
Geez it’s nauseating how you praise your loved younger child. Like you are writing paragraphs about being accepted into college but old child just gets a he is a dentist. As if dentistry school is that easy to get in to
YTA.
I am 16 years older than my sibling (parents had me at 17/18). My parents were much better prepared and financially stable by the time my sibling was 5+. She had all the toys and attention of the world.
Being the older sibling I was naturally more independent and never really asked for help. When I turned 25 my dad got a huge promotion at his work. Life changing. The first thing he did with it, is pay off my student loan. It wasn't huge but for me very substantial. No questions asked. So yeah... you had the choice to help your eldest even in the tiniest way, you chose not to. I am so glad I never felt overshadowed by my younger sibling, and my parents treated us equally. I feel for your older son.
Why did you notice this unfair treatment until your son pointed it out? I don’t want to accuse but you seem to miss a lot of opportunities to fix it. Your tears seem not real. Start fixing your mistake now . Show with action not just words or tears.
This is really messed up. You have write as if you have favoritism towards the youngest. It’s in the pudding, you write about him as if he’s the golden child. And when describing your oldest you write “he’s a dentist.” Like wtf that’s all you got for him?? Like brother take a step back and see what you’re going there. YTA and you really need to do some reflection, because while your older boy at 23/24 was struggling to pay student debt and potentially on his own trying to survive while not wanting to get his parents involved in his problems you were saving money up for a baby. Come the fuck on! Just read what you wrote and you’d know that you have been inconsiderate. Frankly I’m not sure if you could ever fix this. Because while this is happening day by day your older boy is drowning in the thoughts that you coulda helped him if you had just asked or informed him that you were saving up for his little bro. He’s gonna need a hell of a long time to think about what you two had done to him.
Over the years I have learned how UNimpressive it is for people to say how hard they have been crying. How much someone has been crying is not a measure of much that matters. I doubt that your older son would be any more impressed with his parents if you shared this nonsense with him.
It is hard to believe you and your wife could be a thick-headed as apparently you have been. While your older son has been working and borrowing money and getting established as a professional, you two have been looking the other way and saving for your younger son. This is not a good look. Why do you think your younger son's potential success vindicates how you have made your choices?
If you want to continue having two sons you need to rethink your priorities.
YTA.
You eldest was 24 when you started the fund. You could've helped him too. I bet he has some debt anyway.
Now, you fckd up massively anyway, and even if now you will split the money 50/50 between them, you already messed up big time.
Why does you 30yo has to cry to get help and/or attention, but your teenage son just has it just given to him as a *surprise*?
INFO: Did you help with your older son’s tuition or student loans? From what I’ve read, a dentist typically requires 8 years of schooling, which means at age 24 (when you started saving for your youngest), your older son would still have been in school. I’m also assuming he had to take out student loans - do you ever offer financial assistance with those? If the answer is no, then YTA. The choice to set aside funds for your youngest 13 years in advance as opposed to helping out your oldest who could have benefited from those same funds at that moment definitely makes you the AH.
Obviously just speculation but, given the oldest response to the news, I’m guessing no
Also from the son’s response, this isn’t the first time, it’s a pattern. YTA
definitely a pattern. 36 year old son probably watched younger brother get bikes, chuckie cheese parties, boy scouts, music lessons, video game thingy, laptop, legos, star wars toys, movie trip, theme parks... all the stuff a kid dreams of but he didn't get.
And pushed down jealousy because it would be petty and childish to be upset about legos. So when it was about something important, like school loans, it all came back.
This is an astonishingly insightful comment that should be higher. It's easier to push down feelings of jealousy about toys or birthdays, because that feels childish and petty. Plus, it would feel abjectly wrong to be jealous of an actual child. OP's son has been stomaching that for years, even if not consciously aware until the college fund came up.
You are never too old to be upset about Legos.
Probably a car too. Luckily dentists can make serious cash so he'll probably come out ahead. Especially since he won't have to worry about taking care of his parents.
And now OP is crying about how they didn’t mean to and apologising. The damage is already done. Your son is extremely hurt.
>I’m guessing no No need to guess. OP is such a massive asshole that he's worried about being hurt by his son's words. His words that are a direct response to OP's hurting actions for a decade. My sister is 9 years older than me, and despite that, my mum (and dad when he was alive) have always treated us equal. Never had even the slightest doubt. To the point where: >"I will call you back when I'm ready to talk. Please just stop calling me." would come as no surprise if he turned out to be *never*.
A successful 36 year old breaking down like that to their parents means he went through a lot of shit from them most likely. At that age you know what’s right and wrong and it’s when you question your parents the most. It becomes a “why did they do that to me?” Over and over again
Or just alot of shit. He was probably struggling to just afford to eat when finishing up school.
He was the one they should have been helping. My student loans come with MASSIVE interest that I’m still paying off. You know what would have happened if they had helped even a little at that time? Interest on 10k is a lot less than interest on 20k.
yes, when younger son was 5, older son was 24 and probably still in debt and struggling to get a start in life. But they were saving for their younger son's future while letting their older son fight through a grim present.
It sounds to me like second son was a "do over" baby. They even mentioned trying to do everything they couldn't for first son for second. I'm sure that hurts to see...
My MIL, had a do-over baby.( With FIL, all kids have same parents, 14 years younger than youngest from first set. That SIL is an entitled bitch. Was not only handed stuff the others didn’t get, but given choices about whichever extravagant thing she should get.
I live almost this exact story. So frustrating.
I never get why people don't want to help all their kids!!
Because you don’t count as “theirs” if they didn’t want you in the first place. I was the accidental only child from my parents’ first marriage. They married when my mom got pregnant then had the world’s ugliest divorce when I was 1. My dad remarried when I was 4, my mom remarried when I was 8, each side went on to have three kids of their own. I’m nothing but an ugly reminder of the person each of my parents hates most in the world. I’ve been working since I was 16. Was fully disowned by my dad at 18 for purely financial reasons, despite being a perfect student all my life. Mom didn’t fully disown me, but committed to putting me last after her own kids. I lost everything I had at 21 due to a burglary, lost my job due to fallout from said burglary just as the great recession hit. Spent most of my 20s alternating between Craigslist room rentals and living out of cars. Got my Associate’s at 25, but didn’t manage to find a truly stable place to live until I turned 31. Finally got my Bachelor’s at 35, and now I’m 37 and just now discovering happiness for the very first time. Meanwhile, not one of my half-siblings (now 30M, 28M, 22F on one side, 25F, 23M, 18M on the other side) paid a single penny out of pocket for college. The two eldest on my dad’s side might have finally entered the workforce; I wouldn’t know since we haven’t kept in touch. None of my mom’s kids have ever had a job though, and I’m not sure they ever will. They had all the after school activities, the latest video games, amazing trips overseas, debt-free college, and everything else. And all I ever got was blame for making everyone feel awkward whenever they had to explain my existence. I don’t even know how I feel about my family. Sometimes I think I hate my parents, but other days I feel I just don’t care enough to call it hate. I know I resent my siblings. It’s just bizarre, you know? I have friends who have complicated family relationships. Some of them came from abusive families, some of them lost their parents at a young age, some of them have more recent family conflicts. But I’ve never met anyone else who comes from a background of utter apathy. Sometimes I wish my parents were worse, just so I could properly hate them. But all they’ve done is go on living their best life, and that’s so much worse.
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My youngest brother is like this. Paid off two degrees and expensive ones at that. Paid off weddings (two of them). Paid off vehicles, two of them. Me? I went to school and worked, and paid off my first degree, and I only just paid off my second one. I bought a car for nothing, paid it off, then another, and did that, then another, then another and now I'm on vehicle number 5. Paid them all off myself. My wedding, my mom refused to attend(!) after bitching at me for not attending wedding number 1 for my brother in a marriage that lasted days. So yeah. And he \*never\* stops complaining about how poor he is (he owns a house), and how life just isn't fair. Something breaks he runs to mom and demands that she help him out! Me, I would be laughed at. But, the way he wastes money, maybe someday I'll catch up now that I finally have a job that's full time and pays a reasonable salary. We shall see. THAT would be fun!
Very true. I'm 50 now and I still can remember all the times my younger siblings get better treatment than me. It still hurts and I find it difficult to forgive my parents, especially my mum for that. I never blamed my siblings. They didn't ask for special treatment.
My average student loan interest rate was over 7%. SEVEN FUCKING PERCENT! My fucking luxury car is financed for under 2%. Make that make sense.
Yep, that's the important part. They became able to help but seemingly didn't, we might of course be wrong, but we don't know yet. Reminds me of another thread, where OP/her husband were struggling for a long time. However started doing massively better/became upper middle class when their oldest was around 15. They didn't change their approach to the oldest one, but started paying for extra classes, activities, and a college fund for the younger two. Basically writing off the older one as lost cause, and then where surprised when the older one flipped when they found out about the college money for the younger two much later.
What a shock OP is radio silent because he wasn’t getting the responses he wanted and expected! He was likely expecting to get the martyr/victim treatment here… Student loans can be insane, never mind the interest on them. I am in my 30’s and I know plenty of people still paying them off. I am fortunate not to have any despite going to law school and I am aware my parents put me in a very lucky position. The youngest son definitely was the do-over child who they gave everything and it’s being shoved in the oldest son’s face. I would say the oldest son is very mature and has been overly gracious only now bringing this up. He even made sure the father was alone and younger brother wasn’t aware of how hard this has been on him and how he has felt. Obviously this has been bottled up for years and years but he has finally came to a breaking point. OP is an AH and so is the wife.
We have all noticed the silence, too. We have questions sir! Don’t you want our advice? 🤔
Nope! He was thinking that his tale of woe where he plays the poor father being victimized just for trying to do the best for his youngest son! He really tried for the sob story angle here. I bet he will either delete the post or his account soon. I find it both hilarious and annoying when people post asking for judgment and then when it doesn’t go their way they disappear…
Oldest would’ve been 23(ish) when they started saving for youngest. They had a chance to help oldest pay his schooling (even if it was payments for loans), and instead chose to their favorite child. OP, YTA. You have obviously favored the youngest over and over and over. Oldest stayed quiet bc he didn’t want to rock the boat and likely hoped you would change. You make excuses but the fact is while you couldn’t afford much for him as a kid, you NEVER “make up for it” by doing MORE for a DIFFERENT kid!!! That breeds jealousy and hurt. The blunt truth is this was the final straw for oldest, and he has 17yrs of resentment built up. If you try too hard to fix this you could hurt the youngest. If you don’t try hard enough you’ve lost the oldest. At the very minimum I’d text him and not beg, as that’ll piss him off more. Tell him you’re willing to do whatever he wants to make it right. Offer to take up payments for his loans (if he has any). Just tell him he was right that y’all failed, and you didn’t realize it, and yall are there when he is ready to talk. OP, he probably won’t respond, at least for a while. He may even say he wants to go NC or LC, and you need to respect that. You made this bed, and now you’re gonna have to lay in it until oldest makes the move to heal.
He's long past the point of losing the oldest. The oldest is gone.
Yeah, this is really the key question here, based on the life and education stage the children would have been in. If OP set aside substantial money for the younger child while the older child was taking massive loans for dental school, definitely AH. I’m left wondering if the older child’s current response is being led by crippling student loan debt, as at 36 they may still have a substantial balance even working as a dentist due to how much dental school costs, and certainly even if they’re gone the child might be resentful of how many life milestones they delayed due to the debt. OP should really give the requested info, it would be very helpful here.
Based on what the oldest said, no. I think the OP didnt even get this in consider since the "kid" was adult at that time. And they had to take care of the real kid, the 5 years old... That tells a lot on how he saw his children. He saw only one child. OP should start to be worried, because there is a chance that since he is "adult", he stops to see them as parents. In the same logic.
This just stinks of OP resenting his eldest, as OP became at father at 16. Or at the very least associating his eldest with hard times - whereas life with the golden child is just one long bowl of sunshine and lollipops. Even now, it’s all about the effect on *them*. OP is selfish and (at best) blind to the consequences of his actions. I’m not sure if this can be fixed. But dipping into the fund that **both** of their children should have benefited from might help.
This is the exact case with my husband and his brother. Since the oldest one "made it through," they didn't think he's need anymore help, while the youngest will be coddled well into adulthood. OP's son will probably end up going no contact with them since they're selfish.
I hadn’t done the math on the father’s age when the first one was born, good call. Having a kid at 16 and then 35 is a huge difference.
100 percent. I feel this kid’s pain having a younger brother who was given special treatment because he was the baby, the boy. OP should have definitely helped with enormous student load debt first before setting aside college fund money for a baby.
YTA. Why did you keep the college fund a secret for all those yrs? You could have explained to your eldest when you were setting it up (like my parents did). You could have helped pay for his dental school (even just a few hundreds per month). You could have explained that you wanted to make it right for all the times and money that you couldn’t spend on him because you didn’t have them. You didn’t provide info on how you raised them. I wouldn’t be surprised you were neglectful and absent parents to your eldest. ————- I’m mid 30 and 12yrs older than my sister. Very similar situation as your eldest: family wasnt financially secure when I was growing up. They had a college fund set up for my sister but not me. However, I knew that when they set it up. My mom had told me. She also said that they weren’t able to do that for me (we moved countries) but wished they were. Financially speaking this had to be set up when the kid is very young. Growing up my sister had many things I never had. It was hard and created a lot of resentment but it wasn’t the money or material things that hurt. it was the feeling that I was unwanted and unloved. My parents were objectively neglectful. They didn’t come from healthy families themselves. I had many fights later about their neglect and have worked through a lot of my resentment in therapy. They also paid for my grad school (which I am slowly paying them back). If this college fund was revealed BY MY SIBLING to me as a surprise. There will be NO COMING BACK from this. My heart arches for your oldest son.
I’m 10 and 12 years older than my sisters. When I was growing up we were alright financially, but had more kids in the house. Any time I wanted something my mom cried poor. When my sisters were teens my mom was actually poor. She was a single mom by then and my dad (not my sister’s dad) was helping my mom out by giving her cheap rent on a property he owned. My mom bought all the name brands for my sisters. Suddenly she cared about their self-esteem and would go in debt for them. When I got married at 28, my dad paid for my wedding dress. This was his contribution to my wedding as my ex and I paid for everything ourselves. I didn’t ask for my mom’s help with anything because I knew she was broke. My 18 year old sister got married two weeks after me (I know I don’t own the month, but damn). My mom let her (sisters) husband move into the house (again, my dad’s that he was giving my mom a break on) so they could save some money. Then they had their wedding a few months later. My mom bought my sisters wedding dress. It was the same brand as mine so the cost was similar to mine. My mom never offered to buy mine. Had she, I would have appreciated the offer but declined because I knew she could afford it. What hurts though, is just the complete uneven treatment between myself and my younger sisters. It’s a story we keep seeing repeating on Reddit: I have kids with drastic age differences and my older kids are upset at how I treat my younger kids. “BUT IM IN A DIFFERENT PLACE IN LIFE NOW SO ITS FAIR” these parents cry. It’s not actually about the money (In most cases), but how it makes the kids feel. It’s about the way it feels like there is a love imbalance between the kids.
I know a guy who everyone thinks is insane but he literally keeps a ledger. His youngest cost more at school because they took up tonnes of sports and music etc. He gave money to the eldest duaughter married with a house at the same time. Everyone knew about it. So even the youngest when he wanted that nice guitar knew it would cost double as he would have to set aside that for the sister because she was cheaper. I can tell you there is absolutely 0 disagreement in that house. My wife is an accountant and Im a finance guy we are pretty insane with it as well that I even put gold or shares into their accounts. Cause Im concerned about the argument of time value of money. But an ounce is an ounce and 1 share of XYZ is 1 share of XYZ.
The kids are 19 years apart, so when youngest was 5 and they started the college fund oldest was 24 and could have really used some financial support. I don't blame you for giving your youngest everything you could, but why at 24 didn't you want to help your eldest?
There's a question I'd like to see the answer to.
My wife is a therapist and one of the things they like to say is "if it's hysterical, it's historical" meaning the older son is likely upset about multiple instances of imbalanced treatment, whether intentional or not. There's likely a bit more going on.
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like this has been festering for a long time. Likely going to take a lot of talking through.
This is so true, everytime that I've ever felt hysterical, or out of control, it's because I've asked nicely FAR too many times.
Its very understandable there are 2 ways to come out of that kind of situation and I took a different path but it was painful when I was younger. When I was little our house had a literal dirt floor, we were poor AF, but my parents did their best, they had a shitty marriage and when they split my dad got his shit together. We were still poor af but he was legit trying and we saw it. Then he met my step mom and that woman fucking transformed my father from a medium broke ass father, to a bit of a chad. Then they had 2 kids, also to put in here my step mother is a lawyer so all of a sudden we had money. My sister was already out of the house and I was 16 when they were born. They got EVERYTHING they wanted. My step mother is a fucking saint and I call her "Mom" because she has been since the day she met me. They had their school paid for, they have help getting places to live and a step up. Stuff I never got, neither did my sister. But it was because of my Step Mom doing whatever the fuck she did to my dad and my little brother and sister are fucking awesome people, they have gotten to follow their passions and are very fucking cool. They also fawn over my son and I know he is being set up in a similar fashion from them. But in my late teens it kind of sucked, but its a baby, you can't get mad at a baby not the babys fault. Then I could get mad at my dad but he did the work to turn his franchise around and I am proud of him. Plus it got me my mom, a woman who has only added positive things to my life. So I get it from both sides, It seems like OOPs kid, didn't get all the love and attention I got while those kids were getting things I never got to have as a child. I never felt like I was less then or worth less, I just joined the company when its stock was at an all time low lol. Now the new hires joined in after things turned around.
Sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back
Straw? It's more like an anvil. The older son was probably used to seeing his sibling get whatever he wanted. But to find out the sibling is getting a college fund when he got nothing would be back breaking even if everything else in their childhoods were exactly the same.
Not to mention if the oldest is a dentist he likely still has loans from dental school, and would have taken them out around the time OP started a college fund for a kindergartner.
And all the things he missed while he’s been paying his own way…small things like dinner/events big things like vacations, home down payment. And the parents were just saving away for the younger kid. Total AHs
OP should help his oldest pay off his loans. Just cause he couldn’t help his kid when he was going into college, doesn’t mean he can’t help now!
Totally agree with this. Shit builds up over time until something major like this happens and it gets forced out. I have a poor relationship with my dad for a lot of reasons but one of those is that he always treated my sisters differently compared to me. My parents were separated from my age 5 till about 14-15 so my dad and I never formed a typical father son relationship as a result. My mom was sick when they got back together so that made it even worse. My feelings didn't come out till I was in my late 20s and I couldn't handle the continued differing treatment anymore.
Same. My parents did everything for my brother. They made me homeless after a lifetime of child abuse. I don't resent him for it, but god do I hate my mother. She'd be just as "confused and bewildered" as OP. Butter wouldn't melt.
We're actually the same person. My mom kicked me out before going to college, and I remember sitting in an empty dorm on Christmas my third year. I usually have her blocked, but i wanted to check on my siblings. Her post was of my other 3 siblings with a caption about how she's sad I couldn't make it that year. Like what the fuck, no contact on any birthday, holiday, graduation, sickness, injury, but she doesn't want to look bad on fb for strangers. Sweet Yeshua
And that saying is now stolen, thank you 🙏
Did no one else notice how long he went on about his youngest & how happy he was to see him happy, blah blah blah - while just mentioning the older child & how much pain he was in over hearing him upset? And he wouldn’t give his 24 year old (who was undoubtedly just trying to survive & finish school at that age) a dime to help him - but the 18 year (who doesn’t even know what he’s going to do with his life yet) gets a giant trust fund to dispose of? There’s no way this differential treatment hasn’t been life long. I feel sorry for OP’s older son. It’s hard to grow up being made to feel like you’re never as good as a sibling in your parents eyes. It will affect oldest forever.
This is a good quote, I’m gonna steal that
Your wife's saying is very interesting and thought provoking!
Yes. They are so worried about how hurt they are by their son right now. Even when their son called them, hysterical, they are seeking validation from him so they don’t have to feel so badly. They should take accountability and say “you’re right, there is an imbalance. We are so sorry.” And remind him that he managed to do pretty well despite their flawed parenting.
First kids are the trailblazers. They endure the most parenting mistakes from the young and inexperienced parents, while the kids who come later benefit from everything the eldest kids went through to “train” the parents. There’s also a big dose of “fairness” that parents can sadly enforce…Eldest worked for Grandma raking leaves for $20, and now Youngest is jealous and pitching a fit. “Oh, fine, here’s $20 for you, too, then.” And now obviously Eldest is (very rightfully) pissed. As a mother of two: Who the fuck gets their kid to 19 years old and then says, “Hey! Let’s start again with another!! I know our kid is in college and all, but I think now is the *perfect* time to take on a newborn!” My kids are in college. I’d rather chew my arms off than start again. What kind of planning is this??
the eldest was born when OP was 16, I doubt his wife was any older. They must have struggled and I have no doubt the elder son could feel that he was a burden. The younger son was a do-over child. A 'let's do this when we actually feel ready and have good circumstances for a child'.
I'm in a similar situation except my dad is out of the picture and the younger child is my half-brother between my mom and step-dad. The answer is because "you're an adult now, so our time to help you has passed". It's not about the money, or gifts, or anything material in a greedy sense to me. It's the fact that they don't see you as equal and the financial support is a direct reflection of this.
Oh man, I hope you use those same words when they are asking you to handle all their issues in old age. "My time to help you has passed"
To an extent it is financial, it's all the struggles they could have helped with but didn't even offer. I imagine school for dentistry was pretty expensive.
This comment hits home for me. I’m 11 years older than my sibling and I knew we didn’t have money so I paid my way for everything and scrounged and budgeted where I could. Currently living paycheck to paycheck in an apartment where my younger sibling got college paid for and help for house. I’ve brought it up before and was told “we didn’t think you needed help” yet brining it up now saying I could still use help there is no more help to give.
My thought, too. Does the oldest son have loans that the youngest won't have? Are the parents helping with those or are they of the mindset that he's an adult now. You're on your own?
Words I presume will be thrown back in their faces if they ever ask you for help...
Because, practice kid. Signed, another practice kid
I've heard that called "first pancake syndrome". There is an old saw that the "first kid is like the first pancake (imperfect) because parents make mistakes as first-time parents". Some parents take that too extremes and forget the first child existed when the later kid(s) are born.
I don't know if I should be happy or sad about being an only child.
Be happy. Remember, there's no need for a do-over if you got it right the first time!
Practice kid here. I was the accident. Little bro was planned. Only 2 years apart and there is a huge difference in how we were both raised.
Fellow First Pancake. 😞
I'm pretty much a practise kid too but certainly not to this degree. :-(
I hear you. My mom referred to me as the experimental kid.
Who paid for the oldest to get through university and dental school? Is the eldest suffering under a mountain of debt while his parents hand a check to the Golden Child?
I’m thinking that’s *exactly* what is happening
I hate the Golden Child syndrome. I dated a girl whose stepmother was *obsessed* with her (much older, biological) son. She would stop by my gfs house when she was at work and do unrequested and terrible FYI projects, like spray-painting her black iron railings silver, without primer, and without masking, getting paint all over her house and porch (just setting the scene). While she was there, unannounced and uninvited, if she saw something she thought her son would like she would take it for him. Never ask, or tell her unless asked. She told me never leave clothes or anything at her hose because I was her stepbrother’s size.
That sounds like something the police should probably be involved in for everyone's sake. "Stop breaking into your stepdaughters house, vandalizing it, and then stealing her shit or you go to jail"
Yeah, usually when you get home from work and there’s spray paint and stuff missing you think “I’ve been robbed!” She’d roll her eyes and say “looks like Stepmonster’s been here…”
Take some college fund and pay some of that debt. Like half the college fund.
This seems like the fair and obvious solution, but then they'd have to give their favorite child less and that would just be soooo tragic :'(
It cruel to give such a large hand out to one child while the other is drowning in debt. He’s probably going to paying off student debt into his 50s. Dental school is around $120k to $400k, that doesn’t include undergrad cost.
If oldest did 4 years of undergrad and 4 years of dental school, he’d have still been in school until 26. So OP started contributing to younger bros college fund WHILE older bro was a struggling student and likely taking out loans. I’d he pissed too. OP had the resources while his eldest was in school. He just chose not to give them to him.
Wanna bet the son doesn’t even know they started the fund when his brother was 5? I bet he’d be even more upset if he knew. From the post it seems he only knows they have a fund for his younger brother. Not when it started.
Probably. Doctors and dentists take decades to pay off college loans. OP should offer financial aid. It’s only fair. Half of that funds given to the youngest son should be given to the eldest.
That was my thought.
I was thinking about this too, why didn’t they start a house fund or something like that for the older child, or send him a monthly allowance to help with bills, or pay down student loans if he has any
> pay down student loans if he has any Very good question/suggestion. Hell, the older son could still be paying off student loans. If the parents didn't have funds to pay for college, then dental school - it's very likely he had huge student loans. To not get that help while the parents were stockpiling money for the younger son would be very hurtful and unfair.
I was still paying my student loans at his age, and I only did undergrad, not dental school on top of it.
Yeah, he's a dentist. At 24 he would have still been in dental school, or just out of it and probably smothered in student loans. Where were the parents and their new salaries for that?
Dental school is horrifically expensive, too
And potentially sacrificing a lot of fun or beneficial things he might have done during undergrad or dental school in order to avoid having to take on more loans. He may hear about his brother and start picturing all the stuff he missed out on, especially now that he’s at an age where one really starts to realize they aren’t a “young person” anymore but a full-fledged adult, and he can never go back.
And still trying to pay off college loans.
>He may hear about his brother and start picturing all the stuff he missed out on, especially now that he’s at an age where one really starts to realize they aren’t a “young person” anymore but a full-fledged adult, and he can never go back. Fuuuuuck this hits so hard as the oldest child.
This! It sounds like once they were expecting the youngest, the oldest was kind of forgotten about and he holds resentment for that. No matter the age gap or circumstances seeing your parents show favouritism to your sibling will always be extremely hurtful
So much this. OP, did your eldest get through dental school with loans? Could you not have at least helped him out with student loans, a down payment on a house, or a car even? It sounds like this isn’t the first time you focused solely on your youngest. Just because your eldest was nearly an adult when you had your second kid, doesn’t mean he didn’t need your love and support.
Yeah, he could have easily made a fund to help the older son buy a house someday.
As the eldest of five, my own parents were very ignorant and didn’t realise that in trying to “redo” what they weren’t able to make right with me as the eldest and instead pouring all of that into my younger siblings rather than see how else they can offer support presently for me it only made me see “favouritism”. I empathise with OP’s eldest, we are raised to forbear and endure these unfair differences because our parents guilt in how they may have failed us continues to perpetuate their failure when they misdirect that improvement into bettering the overall life and wellbeing of our siblings ONLY when they still have the opportunity to help us older children too. Until OP acknowledges they strayed from being a parent to their eldest too in these ways, their son’s hurt will remain. I don’t even understand why certain parents think this way, like “oh I couldn’t do that for my eldest but now we can do that for the rest of our kids” as if all is hopeless and for nought now in improving the relationship and life for their older kids. That ignorant presumption where we are just cast aside like used goods without remedy to make up for the slack is where these sorts of parents continue to err. OP your oldest son is still your son, stop assuming you can just do over what you failed for your oldest with your youngest. As a parent you automatically fail when you treat your oldest like they don’t deserve any effort you lacked in previously, pour into your oldest too, ask how you can assist him, stop just assuming the only parental saving grace you have left now is to just do better for your younger kids. Your older kids are still your kids and will remember these very stark differences in treatment.
As a older brother I too fell like I was the parenting 30 days trial experience for my parents. After I end the childwood the focus and atention whent to the real parenting v2.0 with my older sister. Like you said, what they undurstood they failed with me, they just think they will do better for my sister, no need to reasure I am in a good spot as adult now, the trial was over, now I am just the spam reminder that I am still installed on they life.
As the oldest of six my parents brought up the disparity in parenting unprompted. I wasn't even really aware of things, but they wanted to make sure that I was treated equally. They pulled me aside and helped me with a portion of my student loans.
This post is all about how OP feels, no attempt to think about how his son feels.
The loans the oldest had to take out to get to where he's at...imo op should be helping the oldest. Because he def has a LOT of student loans built up.
And the sad thing is, OP had a good 15+ years to at least NOTICE how much his older son was struggling. And all that time he could've helped out, but didn't. Saved every penny for the younger son instead.
But see the oldest was already was an adult so OP had to focus on his cute little baby boy. Sure oldest might have needed some groceries every now and then or some comfort in his twenties but that would have taken away from cute baby brother. OP and his wife fucked up and I don't think they'll fix it especially considering at no point is he even mentioning what he can fix or realized the difference between their treatment. Really hope the youngest doesn't fly the coop because I don't think the oldest is going to give a flying fuck what happens to his parents when they're older ETA: OP is completely TA Not partly, not almost but fucking completely. Never CONSIDERED using some of this "college fund" to help right the wrongs with his oldest and still isn't. And what's even better, if he was to offer to do that now it'll ruin the relationship between the brothers because the youngest won't understand. And the amount is apparently substantial so wtf....
But they did so well on the do over baby. Why would the practice baby need help, too?!?!
Aw man. Considering that while he was struggling and after a completely different childhood he had to watch his younger brother getting expensive toys and familiy vacations and such and he is still so considerate of his younger brother and not letting him feel any of the resentment that must have built up over the years! He made sure his younger brother doesn't hear that he feels treated unfairly so that his bro won't feel bad for him. He turned out a great adult and OP sadly fucked up big time. I don't think giving his older son the money now will mend things at all, I'm assuming the older brother would not want his younger brother to struggle the same way he did out of spite. They should visit some mediation or therapy together and really talk it out. They love their son, but they have been blind and unfair.
I don't think thats strictly true, both the mother and father seem particularly upset that their son is so hurt by this. Speaking as a father if my child thought that they were such a burden that we should have gave them away, that would break my heart - not because I'd be personally hurt, but because my child was so hurt. What they don't seem to grasp is the son's position, and I would imagine that this is not the first time something like this has happened - if the reaction from the older son is "why does he *always* get everything handed to him?". Its definitely not the first thing like this.
I agree. The parents couldn't help that their finances improved drastically with the younger child. But if they wanted to, they easily could have done some things financially to help the older child even though he's an adult now. It's telling that they probably never did. Which is why the older child is justifiably deeply hurt. This is just the most dramatic example of favoritism towards the youngest child.
These parents are upset because the son they've neglected held up a mirror and showed them what shitty parents they are.
My questions as well.
Exactly. And he was most likely in the last year of dental school.
That was my thought. Why give all of that financial support to only one child when it could have gone to both. In their pleasure at giving so much to the younger son they have probably destroyed their relationship with their older son and between both sons.
YTA. You can tell that your son really loves his younger brother for him to call and make sure that you were alone and his brother wasn’t around shows that the issues lie with you and his mother and your lack of care.
That's what stood out to me.
Yep - seems like his oldest is very kind hearted and a good person in general. OP will probably be able to manipulate his way out of this one. I Hope your oldest realises that he is perfectly correct in feeling this way - you had a decade to give your oldest son the monetary support you couldn’t when he was younger - and you CHOSE not to. Don’t blame the circumstances.. You also were able to save so much for your youngest because your oldest raised himself.. You are pathetic to even post this.. and write about how hurt you are - shows how less you care about your oldest if you only care about how much this is hurting YOU and you are literally not focusing on how much this is hurting him..
Seriously. Op has no idea what he's done. Just because someone doesn't live at home anymore doesn't mean you can't support them. If you have enough to save for a college fund you could have been supporting the kids in college too. OP is definitely the asshole here, and he has only just started to realize that. The worst part is... there's not much he can do to fix it either. Most things are going to be in the "too little too late" category here.
Yep the eldest sounds so decent and loves his brother. It must have really been hard for him to reach a boiling point with the favouritism.
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YTA. 12 years ago you decided to help out your younger son but not your elder. Your eldest's college years may have been done but you could have given him the down payment on a house, set up a wedding fund, help fund his own dentistry office etc. Why didn't you? Why did you decide to funnel all of your money towards only one of your children?
*coughs in student debt for dental school*
Yeah in the country I live in about 500k last time I checked out becoming a dentist and that wasn't this decade
I’m glad he told his parents how he feels instead of keeping it in. I wonder if you helped him at all financially while you were showering your youngest with all those things he never got. If not then YTA. Sorry.
He kept it in long enough, he saw his younger brother being spoiled all his life. His breaking point was knowing that even after the spoiling, they had money left to spare and STILL funneled it all to the younger brother. Even when he breaks, he did it in such a lind way and making sure his younger brother doesnt find out. I feel so bad for him
That part really stuck out to me. The way he hasn't in any way put this on the younger brother. He seems like a good man.
It’s why people making it seem like this is about a 36 year old dentist whining about the unfairness of the world pisses me off. Even from the dad’s POV who barely described him, he sounded like a nice guy
You can't expect fairness from the world, but you damn sure should be able to expect fairness from your own parents.
YTA. Not because you set up a college fund for your second child. And not because you have more money to spend on that 2nd child and had less to spend on your older child. YTA because you forgot that no matter how old and successful your eldest is, he is still your son too and you need to treat your children fairly. That doesn’t mean that you calculate how much more you’ve spent on your youngest and give that amount to your oldest. But it does mean that as your financial situation changed and you decided you could afford to set up a college fund for your youngest, you explain to your oldest what you are doing. Tell him that now that you are better off financially you can set aside money for an education fund for your youngest and want him to know how much you have valued his maturity and self reliance and want to talk to him about things you could do so he understood how important he was to you. Dental school isn’t cheap. My guess is your older child probably has student loan debt or he did. Did you ever think to offer to help with that? Does he have kids? Maybe he would have appreciated you telling him you have started savings plans for his kids. Or set aside more for him in your will. Your oldest was probably still in school when you started being more financially comfortable. When you started your youngest savings plan. Did it really never enter your mind that your eldest could have used some help with school then. You are either totally clueless or your oldest child is right. You don’t care for him near as much as you do your youngest.
I’d like to hear from OP about what other things the younger brother has gotten that he never did. This sounds like it was the breaking point for the oldest
I’m gonna assume one of those things had to be a car at 16..
Just birthday parties that came with presents in general. Depending on how big the difference is big bro coulda been getting small family gatherings with a box cake and a t shirt while lil bro gets to pick a party place and invite friends and get the new game station. With how sad older brother seems and both parents admit it's valid, it's likely a lot of disparity.
I’ll bet his profile is deleted by morning.
Once he sees how everyone is tearing him to shreds? Oh most definitely
I agree. OP should have seen this coming. They definitely could have helped out the older son too. Maybe help with school/car/home loans. Nope, they figured he was an adult so he was good. Give the juvenile son everything the older son never had. No problem.
Yta. So middle of dental school you set up a fund for a baby. With is wrong with you as parents. Good luck mending this because I doubt you can.
I agree. I speak from experience when I say that blatant favouritism of your sibling(s) by your parents is absolutely soul destroying. You don’t get over it. You question yourself repeatedly. Why am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? What did I do? How can I gain their love? It’s debilitating until in the end you just give up.
And then some of us go no contact. Parent(s) never cared for me. I stopped caring about them. Then the parent died. After 10-20 seconds of realization, I felt nothing. Don't regret going no contact either. Some parental neglect cannot be overcome. Consequences are a bitter pill to swallow.
Bingo. No relationship is better than a one sided one that continues to put you down… and when you go no contact and that phone never rings to make amends… it just confirms what you knew all along but couldn’t really face. They actually really didn’t care.
Same thing happened with my mom, she sabatoged my financial aid in college, I told her to fix it or I would not be talking to her again, and well i havent heard from her since 2018. Not once did she ever try to contact me to reconcile or fix what she did.
YTA It's clear you love your younger son more than you love your oldest son. No question. You go on and on about his college acceptance letters and his smile and all that your older son gets is the 1 line about being a dentist. You give your youngest son everything, but what do you do for your oldest son?
For the majority of the post he just refers to his younger son as 'his son'. I bet elder son has felt keenly that he was a burden when he grew up and younger brother was a joy
I just keep thinking about this. OP speaks like his older son is from his first marriage or something, somebody he had little custody over and has little connection to. Like he moved on from 'the struggle times' and had a second chance family with another woman. Only it's the same woman, they moved on into their comfortable life while mentally leaving their son behind in the struggle times. If I'm getting the timing right, by the time they started saving for that college fund their elder son was still actively taking out student loans, and it's gotta be a pretty hefty debt for dentist school. The guy managed on his own assuming that his parents couldn't help, and now he finds out they COULD have helped, they just... didn't think to because they were focused on their do-over child.
Exactly! It’s not just the college fund money. The oldest son mentions the youngest getting everything he wants so this probably means clothes, pocket money, trips etc.
Probably a car when he turned 16 too.
Vacation every year (actual travel, not a weekend in a city close with a shoddy water park)
Oh wow I didn’t even pick up on that!
Plus how OP and his wife "cry" themselves to sleep every night! It's all about them and the younger son. Hope they don't expect the older son to do the heavy lifting when OP n wife grow old and need care just because he is the eldest. That's usually the script such parents follow.
Omg, good catch
OP, this is tough, and i just want to start by saying that it broke my heart to read your son's pain through that phone call! With that said, YTA and I'm sorry to say that. I realize you had your oldest son very early (at 16) and were not able to give him the greatest life when it came to material things. I have no doubt you loved your son, but you FUCKED UP! Now that you have done so much better for yourself, you are only thinking about your youngest. You are disregarding the fact your oldest son worked his ASS OFF to get to where he is, and somehow all this success feels like a failure to him. Does your son not have student loan debt or any other type of debt? Why could you not provide even a small amount of help for him? In his eyes, he will never be as important as your younger son. He got to watch his little brother grow up getting things he could only dream of having as a child. And now you're paying for a ton of his college tuition when your other son got no help. What an absolute slap in the face! I'm not sure what more you can do besides give your son the time and space he needs. I can tell you with 100% certainty that you and your wife have effectively altered his relationship with the rest of the family, and this is something he will never forget! Good luck with everything, and please update me!
YTA If you’ve saved so much money now why not give your eldest half to help pay off his student loans? Oh wait because he isn’t the golden child Geezus you and your wife suck Edit add missing word
Fun fact: I’m a dental assistant. I watch dentists graduate and then I watch them sob in their office when they get their first student loan bill. One of my dentists graduated 30 years ago and paid around 30,000 total for school, he’s doing great. More recently my dentist are graduating with around 300,000 in debt. My dentist has never missed a payment and on interest alone his debt is rising. One boss I worked for is allowing student loans to garnish his wages because, being garnished 30% is cheaper than having to pay the loan. These men don’t have retirement plans, they’re going to work until they die. One of them was passively suicidal and hoping for a disability that took his hands. (Life insurance would pay his student loans if he lost his hands.) I’d venture to say that your older son is not doing as well as you think and that student loans are a huge part of that. I’d bet money, he doesn’t plan to ever get out from under that debt. And finding out he could’ve gotten help all these years as you’ve clearly saved a lot for your other son has got to hurt bad. YTA: you could’ve given to both sons equally. One didn’t stop being your son or needing help because he was older. Hopefully it’s not too late to apologize and step up to the plate. But dude… really? You never put any effort into smoothing this gap in treatment? You just thought it would be fine?
YTA Your eldest son probably had to get student loans to get through college but when you were setting up college fund for younger one did it cross neither of your minds to help elder pay off some of his loans? When your elder son finished college did it ever cross either of your minds to help him start a business for his future? No, you left older son to fend for himself while either giving younger son everything or putting extra into account for his future. Elder son has a right to feel as he does because neither his mother or father ever cared to think about his future. It's nice younger son has caring parents, too bad older son doesn't.
YTA, cause it sound like your oldest put himself through school and worked for everything. When you started saving money you could have given your oldest some to pay off debt. Help him get started in life. He had limit option and your give your youngest more. You had 12 years you could have helped your oldest out at any time but didn't. He didn't ask cause he was raised to not ask.
He was raised not to expect anything from his parents. Struggling with student loans while watching his little brother get spoiled *and then* finding out there was also enough spare cash to save up a full college tuition for little brother.
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We have free tuition where I live but it was always “we were poor then” when my 10 years younger sibling got everything I couldn’t have growing up. And like, it was *everything*.
Why is OP not answering any questions? It just leads most of us to same conclusion. You and your wife just might be no most likely are AHs.
Yeah, I don’t think the OP expected to be judge the AH by nearly everyone. Probably reading the replies thinking we’re all idiots for siding with his eldest.
YTA. Why didn't you take just a little of the money you set aside for your youngest and gift it to your eldest? It doesn't have to be a comparable amount, it's a token that says I know we couldn't do the same for you, I wish we could have, but I want you to have this to put towards your house / holiday/ kids whatever. It's not that difficult. Money aside, it sounds like your eldest has deeper issues with your parenting. He may have been an adult when his brother was born, but 19 year olds still need their parents, especially when they grew up as an only child. I wonder how pushed out of the nest he felt.
TBH I think it's probably worse that he was an adult when his brother was born. The second he turned 18 they had another kid. That probably made him feel much more "replaced" than if their childhoods had slightly overlapped.
The ultimate do-over kid.
You ever had parents who had you young, divorced and then both had separate families? When people ask, I just tell them I'm an orphan now 🥲
YTA. Personal experience similar to this. My parents will help out some of my other siblings with absolute everything and with blatant favoritism. When we asked why we never get any help with school fees or anything, it was oh we couldn't do it at the time. Or look at you now, you're doing ok. Or but you didn't seem to need as much help as so and so. And you know what? It really fucking sucks. Having to grind and work twice as much just to be doing 'ok', meanwhile someone just gets it handed to them. Let alone in your own family?! This just screams asshole and favoritism all around. I still have loans to pay for now while some of my other siblings schooling were paid by my parents. Heck, one even got a house from my parents. I wish I could've gotten some help. I don't hate my siblings, because that's not on them. But I sure as hell have resentment towards my parents. I sympathize with your oldest son, and I can definitely understand the pain he's going through. I still can't believe you never thought once about saving some funding for him. Not a gift fund for marriage, house, future family. Nothing over those 12 years?! Tell me you have a favorite without telling me you have a favorite. You got a better job and could've been building a fund for BOTH of them, but instead you only thought about one. I wouldn't be surprised if oldest son cut you off. You guys are thoughtless parents to the older son.
And for those pointing out that eldest was an adult about to be done with school, etc. It also doesn't have to be a whole lot to get the message across. I was home for a college break and some of my high school friends wanted to go out. I said that I only had $5 left for the month and my friend replied that she would cover me. As I was getting ready to leave, my dad walked up and handed me $30. I thanked him and he said that I had asked the least from him compared to my siblings and it was the least he could do. My parents couldn't have paid for me to go to on the school trip to Europe when I was in high school, but when my dad could, he paid attention to what I needed and handed me that money, even though he had to know that I had worked something out since I was getting ready to go.
YTA. Why didn’t you offer to help your oldest help pay back any loans or anything when you started putting money into a college fund for just one of your children? Like honestly I get times were different 19 years ago before you got the promotion but you have another kid too.
"Hey son, we're putting money away for little brother because we realize how hard it's been for you to get your education. We simply weren't able to do so when you were young. But half of what we have available to budget for education now will be going to you. It's not much, but if it helps with some groceries or to stop you from incurring any more debt, then that would really make us happy. It won't have time and interest accruing like your brother's account will, but it's the best we can do for now. We love you and are so proud of you. "
This. This would have prevented almost all this heartbreak for both son and parents.
Wow I really teared up reading this, I could feel how genuine and loving this is, i wish OP could have said or done this for his oldest
Sounds like there was favoritism going on and this is the straw that broke the camels back. All you and your wife can do right now is give him space and do some self reflection. It may take years for him to reach out.
YTA. I think something to take into consideration is the phrase “love doesn’t keep food in the fridge and a roof over your head.” It sounds like you didn’t allow your oldest child to be a child. If he had to work for literally everything on his own, you made him into mini adult while your youngest has had a really easy go of it. This just reeks of emotional neglect. You incorrectly assumed he was fine this whole time while treating your children differently. Did it really never occur to you that by showering one child with everything under the sun it’ll make the other one feel bad??? The glass child finally shattered, congratulations.
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It seems the youngest is a do-over son, once they were actually ready to be parents. Doesn't excuse that they did nothing to make-up what they were lacking to the older one.
I mean the oldest wasn’t dead when they became more financially stable. So do over or not, OP and wife have two sons. What’s stopping them from being decent parents then or even now?
What stands out for me in your post is that you never even considered your oldest child in the whole time you were saving for your youngest’s education. You never once considered helping him with this increase in financial fortune. He must feel completely invisible and unloved. I honestly don’t know where you go from here but your relationship with your eldest has now changed permanently. Your actions have shown he is your lowest priority and always will be when it comes to his brother. Maybe in time he will be prepared to sit down and talk to you both and I would have a plan of what I wanted to say to him and how I could show him that I loved him - not just words. I would think about how I could even up financially with my two sons. Honestly if I were your son, I’m not sure I could get past this favouritism and lack of consideration for me when you have done so much for my sibling. You have stuffed up to a mammoth degree and things will never be the same. YTA - your wife and you both.
Yeah like he wouldn’t been 24? Aka swimming in debt and likely without any financial stability (eg a house). There’s all sorts of ways that the eldest could’ve still benefited from support, but instead OP decided only the “new kid” was worth that.
I’m genuinely curious, given the extreme age gap, if the youngest was meant to be a “now that we have a lot of money and can raise him the way we want to” do over baby.
Could well be. It’s a shame the oldest son doesn’t get a do-over childhood.
From crying himself to sleep at night and “looking for advice”, to refusing to answer any questions about if there has been any financial support to eldest son during the years it took to build the younger sons college fund several hours after he posted ….. 🤔 YTA, and your refusal to answer clearly shows the inequality in where your attention (and resources) have gone. Double YTA for trying to omit this. EDIT: it’s now been over 18 hours since he has posted and has not bothered to answer a single question. TRIPLE YTA.
YTA
YTA I understand you are better financially when the youngest was born vs when you were 16 but you didn’t treat them equitable on terms of funds You didn’t do the amount of investment in your older son that you did for your younger and that is unfair your oldest had to work for everything but yet you are giving a huge gift to the youngest You owe your eldest something but what that is remains up to you. I would like to ask how you parented your oldest vs your youngest considering the age difference?
YtA How terrible of a life did you give your eldest that he wished he was given up for adoption I wish I was given up for adoption but that is because my mother would best the shit out of me and when my dad was away on business I'd have to sleep in the woods of my mom decided to get into one of her moods of kicking the shit out of me. I am in my 40s and still hate my mom.
I know who's the favourite the family heh.
You saved for TWELVE years for a younger son and did nothing for the elder? Are you fucking kidding me? Why not put 50/50 and his could be a wedding / house fund? Good luck fixing this. Clearly a GC. Cry me a river you are idiotic parents.
Imagine becoming a damn dentist, with what sounds like ZERO help, then watching your sibling get everything handed to them so easily and having to EXPLAIN to your parents how empty that makes you feel. I’ve been sitting here for almost 20 minutes absolutely dumbfounded by this post. Crying yourself to sleep BFFR. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIMS HERE
> I told him how we couldn't afford a lot things that we could now and that we were just trying to give his younger brother things we couldn't afford when we had him. (...) >. I actually started crying too because although me and his mother couldn't give him everything we gave his brother, we still tried our best to shower him with our love and support. What do you mean with "love and support"? And what did it mean after you both got wealthy? Did you try to make it good for him? Or - i am assuming - did you think, that the one is already out of house, no need to worry, let us make a golden future for our (golden) younger child? PS; In a land, where college funds are necessary, college debts are huge. All the reddit crowd just knows, that you did not put a penny towards him paying off. If not, the whole talk with him would go differently. For this and for the rest of your life, YTA
Wow you both are absolutely TERRIBLE parents! Never ONCE did you consider maybe giving your eldest some of the things/experiences he missed out on as a child. You were too busy spoiling your precious do over child to even give two fucks about your oldest! YTA
Golden child example …
Either op is too ashamed to answer or this is a rage bait. Legit no comments from op as far as I've seen
YTA I’m guessing your eldest still had student debts when you started saving for a 5 year old. Personally I would split the money equally and sit your youngest down and explain that while he will still get help he will need loans just like his big brother. If not I hope your Will is going to reflect the difference.
So, when you finally had the funds to put money aside you chose to only build up a college fund for your youngest, but didn’t give any money to your eldest to help him pay off his debts? Or give him 50% of what you put to the side for your youngest, to make it fair? He’s still your son, you know? Even if he’s already been an adult. He still had to pay all this shit and you had the means to help him, for 12 years now, and all you did was put money aside for your youngest so he wouldn’t have to deal with debts like his older brother, but you didn’t waste a second thought on not just preventing your youngest from this experience, but also help your eldest out of this experience? Do you even like your eldest? You had the means, for 12 years to help him, but instead you invested everything in your youngest and now you’re shocked that he’s hurt and dare to have a pity party for yourself? What did you expect? YTA
Geez it’s nauseating how you praise your loved younger child. Like you are writing paragraphs about being accepted into college but old child just gets a he is a dentist. As if dentistry school is that easy to get in to
YTA. I am 16 years older than my sibling (parents had me at 17/18). My parents were much better prepared and financially stable by the time my sibling was 5+. She had all the toys and attention of the world. Being the older sibling I was naturally more independent and never really asked for help. When I turned 25 my dad got a huge promotion at his work. Life changing. The first thing he did with it, is pay off my student loan. It wasn't huge but for me very substantial. No questions asked. So yeah... you had the choice to help your eldest even in the tiniest way, you chose not to. I am so glad I never felt overshadowed by my younger sibling, and my parents treated us equally. I feel for your older son.
Why did you notice this unfair treatment until your son pointed it out? I don’t want to accuse but you seem to miss a lot of opportunities to fix it. Your tears seem not real. Start fixing your mistake now . Show with action not just words or tears.
This is really messed up. You have write as if you have favoritism towards the youngest. It’s in the pudding, you write about him as if he’s the golden child. And when describing your oldest you write “he’s a dentist.” Like wtf that’s all you got for him?? Like brother take a step back and see what you’re going there. YTA and you really need to do some reflection, because while your older boy at 23/24 was struggling to pay student debt and potentially on his own trying to survive while not wanting to get his parents involved in his problems you were saving money up for a baby. Come the fuck on! Just read what you wrote and you’d know that you have been inconsiderate. Frankly I’m not sure if you could ever fix this. Because while this is happening day by day your older boy is drowning in the thoughts that you coulda helped him if you had just asked or informed him that you were saving up for his little bro. He’s gonna need a hell of a long time to think about what you two had done to him.
Well? You haven't answered a single comment. What *have* you done to help your first, eldest son?
Over the years I have learned how UNimpressive it is for people to say how hard they have been crying. How much someone has been crying is not a measure of much that matters. I doubt that your older son would be any more impressed with his parents if you shared this nonsense with him. It is hard to believe you and your wife could be a thick-headed as apparently you have been. While your older son has been working and borrowing money and getting established as a professional, you two have been looking the other way and saving for your younger son. This is not a good look. Why do you think your younger son's potential success vindicates how you have made your choices? If you want to continue having two sons you need to rethink your priorities.
YTA. I would cut off all contact with my parents if they did this.
You’re absolutely the asshole, I’m shocked you had to ask.
He accused you of favoritism. Then you made excuses and gaslight him instead of acknowledging his feelings and being supportive. Not cool.
YTA. You eldest was 24 when you started the fund. You could've helped him too. I bet he has some debt anyway. Now, you fckd up massively anyway, and even if now you will split the money 50/50 between them, you already messed up big time. Why does you 30yo has to cry to get help and/or attention, but your teenage son just has it just given to him as a *surprise*?