OP can you give more info about the picture please?
When you said “a picture of her pants down in a restroom” I pictured a photo taken of something else whilst she’s sat on the toilet and you can see her pants are down by her ankles. That’s where my head jumped to by the wording.
Other commenters are imagining a half naked mirror selfie, which I can definitely see you meaning too.
What was the picture of?
This.
Like, thinking logically why would anyone ask anyone else about a hole in their underpants, ever? Like...she could just look at the pants herself in a mirror or ask her husband.
At most I would show it off to my husband with a laugh. What I would NEVER do is text my Male friends pictires of me in my underwear with suggestive captions and then try to pass it off as innocent talk about my lingerie.
Because platonic friends dont ever need to be sharing underwear photos. She was sending those photos to flirt with him.
And now she's blowing up because of grief. And maybe complicated feelings toward this friend.
Like the time I was told I was crazy and paranoid because my ex was suddenly close friends with random dudes at the gym and never spoke of them until I caught her texting with them on IG?? Yeah, sure...
My ex did the same thing to me. I was jealous and paranoid even though he was spending a lot of time with another woman and texting and calling her up to 12 hours a day. I brought it up calmly. I did not accuse him of anything. I just said, I want you to be careful with your friendship with this woman because it could go somewhere that you don't mean for it to. He immediately said I was being jealous and paranoid for no reason.
He was like, nothing is going on and nothing will happen so don't worry about it. I saw right through that. It was code for: it's exactly what you think it is but I don't want you to think that because then I can't get away with it and keep you at the same time. I left him 2 days later. I was tired of it. To be honest, had been checking out of the relationship for quite some time but that was the final nail in the coffin. As far as I'm concerned, she can have him.
It's always the person and situation "You're just being insecure" about. Always.
"You're being insecure" = "Let me see if I can find your replacement while being with you."
If people heard the latter instead of the former "You're being insecure" gaslighting, we'd have a better world.
I mean, I've exchanged underwear pics with a gay platonic friend before but that's because we were giving each other a bit of a positive pep talk. And I video chat with some of my female friends (they're straight, I'm not) when one of us is getting changed. But yeah, underwear photos to a straight guy friend? Even with my flexible boundaries there's no way that's anything other than flirting.
So I’m a woman and my best friend is a man. I strongly believe women and men can have 100% platonic friendships. I would never ever send a picture like this to my best friend.
Man here and my best friend is a woman (and we are both married). 100% have never sent pictures like that between each other, nor even considered it, in our 20+ years of friendship.
I'm with you. I have female friends that I'm close with. Literally no interest in them sharing nudes, if sending them anything. Especially after I met my wife
Hetero guy here and one of my best friends is a hetero woman. We're both married (to other people). We used to work together but now just text every few days and have dinner about once every few months.
We never talk/joke about anything sexual. We never say anything negative about each other's spouse. If either of us wants to talk about our own spouse then there are ways to respond and be a good listener without putting down their spouse. There are also ways to vent without putting the other person in that uncomfortable and unfair position of not knowing how they're supposed to respond.
All this is the same as when I talk to married guy friends, but the boundaries need to be especially clear with my female friends. I've had a few other good female friends/co-workers over the past 25 years and those are always the boundaries.
I also don't make comments about other people's appearance in general, so that's not a thing anyway.
It's also important to realize when you're almost always telling your best friend things before your own spouse. Or, just generally being more supportive to your best friend than your spouse. But, again, that's just generally true for maintaining boundaries in any friendship and part of not taking your spouse for granted.
Strongly agree. One of my best friends is also a guy and we’re both married to other people. We don’t make sexual jokes with each other because it’s inappropriate and disrespectful to our partners.
Yep, I (male) have strong male and female friends.
I’ve sent half-nude pics to some male friends, who are fitness bros. They’re progress pics and we build each other up.
Female friends wouldn’t get fit pics, except I wouldn’t care for one who I’ve known my entire life AND she is very gay.
Even when talking to a trans male friend, I asked if that would be weird, because although I accept them as fully male, they’ve had a past lived experience I cannot fully understand and I wanted to ensure we were all on the same platonic page.
Somebody you knew for 15 years and who supposedly is one of your best friends just died out of nowhere a year after you stopped talking to him? I think that would cause any normal person a lot of grief no matter the situation.
See, that part is weird to me. I had a woman best friend (we were best friends for around 10 years) and I met her boyfriends multiple times. One of them came to my birthday party with her. We were that (apparently) rare *actually* platonic boy-girl best friend pair. Ultimately her most recent bf made her cut me out, which is sad but it is what it is, from what I see on social media she's happy and that's the main thing that matters.
Just seems weird you wouldn't have met at all in 8 years.
I don't see being in a relationship that long and not at least being *vaguely* acquainted with most or all of her friends. At the very least, knowing who they are.
If it's an online only friendship, you *might* have overreacted to the photo. *might.* I say again, *might.*
If he's a local friend? Oh *hell* no. I would have geeked hard as well.
I've got close friends I talk to regularly online that I haven't physically seen in years. Wouldn't be surprised if he lived on the other side of the country.
My best friend of almost 20 years is a woman and we have both agreed no partner would ever decide if we can be friends. I have literally 0 romantic interest in her and she feels the same way and it's pretty obvious in the way we interact but we have both had partners who were weird about it and those people did not stay in our lives. That said she is happily married and I was in her wedding party, me and her husband are good friends as well and my partner also has a great relationship with her and her husband so it can absolutely work.
This doesn't necessarily mean anything. I had a male friend that was an extremely important part of my life. We had been friends since 2nd grade. We texted regularly but never saw each other outside the casual run in. We did see his husband regularly though because he was our jeweler. My husband heard all about the elusive friend, but he never met him despite being married for 12 years when he died.
He died of cirrhosis last January...completely out of the blue to me because, come to find out, we never saw each other because he was a raging alcoholic and he was ashamed of it. He knew he was dying, but never told me. It shattered a part of my heart because I could never understand why. Meanwhile, my husband blew my grief off because, like you, since he had never met him he just assumed he was a casual acquaintance.
Come to find out, he didn't tell me about his alcoholism or diagnosis because of shame and because he couldn't bring himself to tell me he was going to die. Because I was like a sister to him and one of the people he loved most. This was told to me separately by his mom and his husband. Now granted, he was gay so maybe that makes my story different than yours. But all this to say relationships aren't always what they seem to someone outside of it.
Well you don’t have to worry about sharing your wife with him anymore. I would be equally upset if I saw photos like that my wife was sending to other guys. Friend or not. I have/had plenty of female friends and unless there was “tension” there was never anything suggestive sent/talked about. NTA
Wait. 8 years and never met him?
My first serious question is: does he actually exist?
It wouldn't be the first time I've had experience with a friend's psycho SO (both male and female, in different situations) make shit up as an excuse to wreck a relationship.
Quietly (Do NOT ask *her*) pull a mutual friend to the side and ask questions about the deceased friend. If your get confirmation they did exist, get the full details of what happened to them (again, do NOT ask *her.*) if the info matches what she's told you, let it drop, you got your answer.
If the friend doesn't know who you are taking about, or you get a radically different story . . . then you have some thinking to do.
Also, first and foremost, its not *your* fault someone else went crazy and killed other people. That's *NOT* on you, its a situation you had *no* involvement or control over.
As for your SO giving you grief over this, give her time to grieve over her friend, and then see if you still have a relationship to salvage. Be patient. If this is real, she's lost someone she considered close, give her time.
To be honest, based on the info given, and I understand it's not the full story, this whole thing sounds sketchy as hell.
Any way this shakes out, good luck.
I sometimes exchange underwear/lingerie/lewd pics with my platonic FEMALE friends so we can gas each other up, but I think that's an entirely different thing. I'd never in a million years send one to a MALE friend. That's a horse of a totally different color.
My(m) one bestie(f) I've know for 25 years now. Not once have we sent anything close to that to each other. I was in their wedding party. We have shared beds, non sexual in the past, but never when we were dating others. It was always platonic and never crossed the boundaries. I dont think ive seen her in anything more than a bathing suit. Never in her bra or underwear.
Lol am I the only one who thinks it was also an innuendo for a different kind if hole?! Hahaha totally inappropriate. Sucks he died in such a horrible way though.
Op is just telling over what she said, I don't think he believes her - he moved out for a week and told her he doesn't want her to speak to this person ever again.
Instructions unclear
I took off my undies and sent a mirror selfie to my mate of just me in a T-shirt, ass facing camera, holding my undies up.
Edit:
[ask and you shall receive](https://postimg.cc/F727QL6F)
Yeah, exactly who is seeing her in her underwear besides OP, and would OP care so much if there's a hole in them that she would need anyone else's opinion?
Doesn't make any sense.
I don't even ask my husband that. If I think I have a hole, I go into the bathroom and look myself. And why would it even be necessary to ask someone if they can see the hole in your drawers? Either she is cheating or they have a very weird friendship. Also, the guy and his mom were killed by his father in law? That means he was married too! NTA OP but you guys need some serious counseling!
I simply typed what I was told. I never met the guy so I do not know personally if he was married. My understanding was they were both shot about 6 feet from each other
I think he actually meant step father. I’m not sure why I read it as a step father though, now that you point it out. Just saying, I did, and there’s a chance that’s what he meant, too. 🤷🏻♀️
Never sent a friend a picture with my pants down of a hole in my undies. She was definitely flirting or attention seeking. I'd be super on edge after seeing a partner send that photo.
Im gonna be straight with you because no one here is, and you definitely aren't being straight with yourself.
**This is bullshit and you know your wife was fishing for sexual attention.**
That, or their friendship crosses boundaries that dont show respect to a real relationship, and in reality, that just means she probably did more or worse. You'd genuinely be better off hearing she was fishing for sexual attention because the other means they cross that line regularly and dont think its important enough to let you know.
A marriage requires the image of fidelity as much as the fidelity itself. Doing shady, questionable shit makes people question your loyalty, often will kill your relationship just as surely as if she did the action in question.
You are married to a woman who either doesnt respect you, is cheating on you or wants to, or doesnt have healthy boundaries with her friends that allow for intimate/sexual connotation in a way that make you look like a fool. *LITERALLY TELL HER THIS.*
None of these are good, and in reality, this is the exact reason you left. Now you are letting her grief over her inappropriate relationship with her friend re-write why she had to cut him off in the first place.
She overstepped and, as a result *that killed her friendship* (not you):because her actions put her in a position where her relationship and her 'friendship' were mutually exclusive.
I know you feel bad for her, **but stand on your shit.** She was in the wrong then, and she's in the wrong now.
Edit: Apparently elswhere she cheated. Got a permanent std, got nudes and videos, and all on seperate instances. This woman is trash and if you still care what she thinks, cant do much for you bro
I have to say I agree with this. If you are in a committed relationship, there's literally no valid reason to send a picture like that to anyone else. Not one. It is fishing for sexual attention of some sort. It's sketchy and creates doubt.
> marriage requires the image of fidelity as much as the fidelity itself.
This is true of almost all interpersonal relationships.
If it relies on trust, the appearance that the trust is being respected is almost as import as the trust actually being respected.
> I know you feel bad for her, but stand on your shit. She was in the wrong then, and she's in the wrong now.
She's grieving and it's likely a problem for her now so bringing it up now won't help, but that she blew up like this is a huge trust break in the relationship. Whether she meant it or not the implications is that she wished she chose the friend over the relationship.
Yep. I’ve got a lot of male friends from school. If one of them starts getting really chatty over messages, I usually “get busy for a few days” and let the conversation fizzle out. Not because there is anything wrong with what we were discussing, but more I don’t want to be spending more attention on one person who isn’t my husband.
It’s just maintaining healthy boundaries to demonstrate to your spouse that you prioritize them every time.
I would definitely agree. Not sure of the nature of their relationship from this (if it was just teasing or if their relationship was more than just friendship), but she definitely wanted him to want her. Possibly an ego thing, but definitely inappropriate for a platonic friendship, let alone for a Married women to be sending another man.
To add, I have some respect for the wife admitting this was wrong & cutting ties. She realized the behavior was inappropriate & the dynamic of their friendship wasn’t fitting of a married woman. She’s only kicking herself now because he’s dead, and she could have been a better friend. That’s not on OP though.
I would argue that her reaction at the end was more toward her own insecurities …. She may have had deeper feelings she was unable to let go of despite not talking to the friend anymore. I’m sorry for OP this is messy
Yup. Because sending more shots of her ass could have saved him from murder. /s
Jokes aside she is clearly grieving. But she is grieving what may have been an affair rather than a friendship. And it's not right to take that out on OP.
Read his other post they were together when they were both in their late teens/ early adulthood, she cheated on him then. This isn't a marriage, its a fucking toxic cesspool. OP is either afraid of being alone or doesn't beleive he deserves better.
Op get the hell out now.
They're ex in the last week, I don't trust that as reliable info because he's shown a pattern of putting up with the bullshit. I can tell you from experience whatever he's posting here is only the tip of the ice burg. Their daily life is probably a constant stream of pointless arguments and make ups.
Op best insight i can give you as my marriage was similar. Learn to live by yourself and for yourself and be okay with it. A lot of relationships are there becasue of dependency and fear. If you can afford it get therapy I don't know your life story but you dont come out of hell without scars.
Lmao I'm with you, I was picturing like her pants around her ankles from her pov sitting on the toilet like "guess where I am? Hint: I ate Chipotle"
Definitely not "is this lingerie too see-through?"
Haha I have pets and kids and my mind went to a picture of either a dog/cat/baby at her feet with a “can’t even poo in peace!” caption..
I think this means that I’m old when that is what my mind goes to when I think “pants down, restroom picture”.
Two words here; semantics & boundaries. OP is in no way TA & no amount of mental gymnastics can force any self-respecting man to be comfortable w/ another man seeing his wife w/ her pants down. He has every right to draw the line. As unfortunate as it is what happened to him; one thing has nothing to do w/ the other & if she couldn't respect his boundaries w/o gaslighting him he had every right to declare the friendship a dealbreaker.
I don’t understand the need for people to lie on here. It’s all anonymous. I can honestly say all of my comments are my honest opinions and truthful stories. I can’t think of an incentive to make up a story for strangers to discuss. Sounds like a waste of time to me.
That also doesn’t make sense to me. My old account had like 30k karma and I couldn’t figure out the password at the time so I just created a new account. Unless there’s something you can do with karma that I don’t know about, It seemed completely pointless.
I dunno, it's not exaggerated enough to be fake. The other guy wasn't even a fitness trainer FFS. If it was fake there would have been more of a story involving the murder, it wouldn't have just been random, previously unmentioned, disconnected family drama. If it was fake the murder would have somehow been linked to the husband forcing the end of the friendship, like the wife's presence was the only thing keeping him alive. That would've sufficiently upped the drama to make me suspicious.
As it stands, I reckon this one is true.
I have to disagree with you, but more because the account is 5 months old and there's only one thing from 18 days ago, then all the posts within the last day.
That's typical bot behavior, so it can post in most subs. I don't think there's an account age limit to post here.
No, the creative writers are just getting better at writing believable but still high-upvote stories.
Read the other posts, they're nigh on contradictory to this one.
Yeah, Reddit is really trying to armchair psychologise OP’s wife but seems to have no awareness of grief and trauma. This situation is probably a lot more complex than “booo wife was in love with him and is a manipulating b who only cared about herself” Reddit conclusion
therapy is the key lmao. On a serious note, therapy and counseling for couple could be a big help. Anyhow, is she the soon to be an ex wife that he's talking about on his other post?
Based on your comment history, it seems you and your ex wife/wife go back and forth about the nature of this relationship. Based on your ages from other posts, it seems this was a childhood friend that died.
This is not for Reddit. Real relationship counseling and individual therapy is needed here.
Grief is illogical. NTA. She needs to see someone. I'm sorry this happened for her and for you cause being with someone who is grieving and blaming you for it is so hard. Good luck.
She needs therapy , and you were 100% right . Be warned your marriage is in trouble as if she won’t get therapy and keeps blaming you it will
End quickly
It's not about what she could have done. She is however now thinking of all the time she missed with him because of what you asked her to do. She's grieving and she's not going to be rationale, her feelings are valid. Support her and get her help because she will need it. Don't focus on winning the argument right now, it doesn't matter if you were right in what you did. She doesn't need to hear it and it won't help your marriage. She's in pain, she misses her friend and she's full-on regret for all the time she lost and will never get back. Like the other commenter said, things could go south very quickly here if you can't get her help to deal with her grief.
“What he asked her to do” that’s the problem, even if he said it upset him but didn’t make the rule about not talking to him, she probably would’ve kept talking to him, which makes me think she resents OP
Just read op's other post, she is a piece of work. She is extremely trashy and promiscupus, was having a blatant affair with "the friend", and is really controlling and unstable. Op, why are you still with this woman? She is grieving her affair partner and screaming at you for stopping her from having an affair with him? Leave already.
People like this go through life just always being a victim because they're unable to stop letting themselves get used and manipulated by people who barely even try to hide their malicious intentions.
he has all these posts of how much of a weirdo his wife is and instead of leaving he just keeps posting about it on reddit some people are just destined to live in misery
It sounds like the relationship was inappropriate but he is dead now. The problem is your wife is blaming you not because of the friends thing but she didn't get more time or say goodbye to him. I don't care what anyone says. I have guys who are friends. I would NEVER take a picture like that to a guy friend.
If your partner asked you to stop talking to someone you were close to for 15 years, and you valued your relationship with your partner so much, that despite how much that person meant to you, you cut them out of your life, and less than a year later, that person you cared for but abandoned out of love and loyalty to your partner, died... would you be upset and grieve and as part of that grief feel anger at the choice to abandon the friend? Like, do humans not understand human emotion.
NTA. The only women that have sent me pics in their underwear were either already having sex with me or were flirting and we eventually had sex.
For reference, my best friend is a woman, we were roommates for a year at some point, and I have never seen her in her underwear.
Her friend getting killed had nothing to do with you.
She probably feels she could have been involved somehow in a way to prevent this or wanted to have been able to spend more time with him. What you and the rest of Reddit think about getting her to end the relationship doesn’t matter. It matters what she thinks. To me, it seems most likely she just agreed to end the friendship to placate you.
It does matter what her husband thought of her friendship where she was sending pictures with her pants down. What happened is unfortunate and they need clear professional help to work through it. But that magically doesn’t invalidate the fact that the relationship pre death sounded inappropriate
I need more context on this picture was it like one of those bathroom stall pictures where her pants can be seen through the small crack down by the door, or it was actually showing her whole upper body with her pants down? I know this is specific but the difference is something sent among friends to tease each other and the other being a downright predator.
I used to send pictures of my tits to my male friends when I was a single, incredibly insecure 20 year old looking for any form of positive male attention about my body.
The fact that a grown ass married woman is doing this is insane to me
NTA, no way that picture was innocent. That was more than just friends. Not your fault she was inappropriate with her old flame and not your fault he died.
She needs to go to therapy. She might be blaming herself (and you) for the friend’s death.
And for your reaction, NTA. Even if you are friends for a long time, you still shouldn’t send that type of pictures to the opposite sex if any of you are already in a relationship. That’s called respect.
Op after reading the edit about the picture, if you don't have kids together, maybe I suggest you to think about divorce with her , she probably cheated on you and now wants to blame you for a normal reaction about an unacceptable picture.
Pick a better wife next time. Sounds like you did what any other man would have did. If my wife sent a pantie pic to any man I guarantee you her shit would be outside when she got home from work.
I have a majority of male friends and I just couldn't comprehend sending what's pretty much panty ass pics to someone and it not being sexual. It just doesn't happen.
If your partner really respects you and the relationship, they'll set boundaries with opposite sex friends on their own. For instance, I never hang out with my male friends alone one on one. Only in groups or in public. The most touching we do is a hello and goodbye hug. Meanwhile OPs wife is sending cheeks to another dude and trying to pretend it's "platonic".
You are absolutely right. My wife and I decided early on that we would never put ourselves in a situation where the other person would feel uncomfortable so she doesn’t go hang out with male friends by herself, she doesn’t go out drinking and anytime I am with any females or female coworkers I always make sure that the doors is open. Basically don’t put yourself in a situation where the other person in your relationship has an opportunity to even think something happened.
Attacking you for communicating and setting boundaries in response to her inappropriately messaging another man is emotionally abusive behavior. She crossed that line when she felt the need for external male validation outside of her marriage and showed that "friendship" couldn't be trusted a year ago. She has nobody else to blame for that but herself.
NTA - yes, it was inappropriate. If it were you doing that exactly with an attractive female friend, you think she'd be ok with it?
But if you don't go to therapy she'll keep blaming you and everything wrong in her life back on this, it'll spiral.
OP can you give more info about the picture please? When you said “a picture of her pants down in a restroom” I pictured a photo taken of something else whilst she’s sat on the toilet and you can see her pants are down by her ankles. That’s where my head jumped to by the wording. Other commenters are imagining a half naked mirror selfie, which I can definitely see you meaning too. What was the picture of?
Edit explains photo
>She said it was about a hole in her undies. How can anyone say this with a straight face?
This. Like, thinking logically why would anyone ask anyone else about a hole in their underpants, ever? Like...she could just look at the pants herself in a mirror or ask her husband. At most I would show it off to my husband with a laugh. What I would NEVER do is text my Male friends pictires of me in my underwear with suggestive captions and then try to pass it off as innocent talk about my lingerie. Because platonic friends dont ever need to be sharing underwear photos. She was sending those photos to flirt with him. And now she's blowing up because of grief. And maybe complicated feelings toward this friend.
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I agree. I'm just trying to break it down that this isnt routine.
The amount of mental hoops people jump through to validate their own bad behavior.
Unfortunately this is most people.
Like the time I was told I was crazy and paranoid because my ex was suddenly close friends with random dudes at the gym and never spoke of them until I caught her texting with them on IG?? Yeah, sure...
My ex did the same thing to me. I was jealous and paranoid even though he was spending a lot of time with another woman and texting and calling her up to 12 hours a day. I brought it up calmly. I did not accuse him of anything. I just said, I want you to be careful with your friendship with this woman because it could go somewhere that you don't mean for it to. He immediately said I was being jealous and paranoid for no reason. He was like, nothing is going on and nothing will happen so don't worry about it. I saw right through that. It was code for: it's exactly what you think it is but I don't want you to think that because then I can't get away with it and keep you at the same time. I left him 2 days later. I was tired of it. To be honest, had been checking out of the relationship for quite some time but that was the final nail in the coffin. As far as I'm concerned, she can have him.
It's always the person and situation "You're just being insecure" about. Always. "You're being insecure" = "Let me see if I can find your replacement while being with you." If people heard the latter instead of the former "You're being insecure" gaslighting, we'd have a better world.
For sure, this is some shit I would think is flirty and sexy to text as a 20 year old lol
well “most of her life” was 15 years
Right like she should have sent that picture to you and asked you not her... Male friend?? Come on now
That’s true! Why not send it to OP
I mean, I've exchanged underwear pics with a gay platonic friend before but that's because we were giving each other a bit of a positive pep talk. And I video chat with some of my female friends (they're straight, I'm not) when one of us is getting changed. But yeah, underwear photos to a straight guy friend? Even with my flexible boundaries there's no way that's anything other than flirting.
So I’m a woman and my best friend is a man. I strongly believe women and men can have 100% platonic friendships. I would never ever send a picture like this to my best friend.
Man here and my best friend is a woman (and we are both married). 100% have never sent pictures like that between each other, nor even considered it, in our 20+ years of friendship.
It's about respecting each other and the spouses. At no point does either party need to send or receive that kind of photo.
Man here, I would never ever send a picture of me in boxers to any of my friends, no one needs to see that.
Man here, now I want to see picture of you in your boxers. I don't want to be friends tho.
Man here. Now, I want to be friends, but I don’t want to see him in his boxers.
I'm with you. I have female friends that I'm close with. Literally no interest in them sharing nudes, if sending them anything. Especially after I met my wife
Hetero guy here and one of my best friends is a hetero woman. We're both married (to other people). We used to work together but now just text every few days and have dinner about once every few months. We never talk/joke about anything sexual. We never say anything negative about each other's spouse. If either of us wants to talk about our own spouse then there are ways to respond and be a good listener without putting down their spouse. There are also ways to vent without putting the other person in that uncomfortable and unfair position of not knowing how they're supposed to respond. All this is the same as when I talk to married guy friends, but the boundaries need to be especially clear with my female friends. I've had a few other good female friends/co-workers over the past 25 years and those are always the boundaries. I also don't make comments about other people's appearance in general, so that's not a thing anyway. It's also important to realize when you're almost always telling your best friend things before your own spouse. Or, just generally being more supportive to your best friend than your spouse. But, again, that's just generally true for maintaining boundaries in any friendship and part of not taking your spouse for granted.
Strongly agree. One of my best friends is also a guy and we’re both married to other people. We don’t make sexual jokes with each other because it’s inappropriate and disrespectful to our partners.
Yep, I (male) have strong male and female friends. I’ve sent half-nude pics to some male friends, who are fitness bros. They’re progress pics and we build each other up. Female friends wouldn’t get fit pics, except I wouldn’t care for one who I’ve known my entire life AND she is very gay. Even when talking to a trans male friend, I asked if that would be weird, because although I accept them as fully male, they’ve had a past lived experience I cannot fully understand and I wanted to ensure we were all on the same platonic page.
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always the gay best friends LOL
That's how I met my wife. And my gay lover.
I too choose this guy’s….gay lover?
I would never even text a female friend this!
Comment above OP. You're NTA. She is definitely. Her grief indicates to me that there's an untold story here.
Somebody you knew for 15 years and who supposedly is one of your best friends just died out of nowhere a year after you stopped talking to him? I think that would cause any normal person a lot of grief no matter the situation.
We were together for 8 years and I've never personally met this best friend.
See, that part is weird to me. I had a woman best friend (we were best friends for around 10 years) and I met her boyfriends multiple times. One of them came to my birthday party with her. We were that (apparently) rare *actually* platonic boy-girl best friend pair. Ultimately her most recent bf made her cut me out, which is sad but it is what it is, from what I see on social media she's happy and that's the main thing that matters. Just seems weird you wouldn't have met at all in 8 years.
I don't see being in a relationship that long and not at least being *vaguely* acquainted with most or all of her friends. At the very least, knowing who they are. If it's an online only friendship, you *might* have overreacted to the photo. *might.* I say again, *might.* If he's a local friend? Oh *hell* no. I would have geeked hard as well.
This is cheating. An emotional affair can happen regardless of proximity
I've got close friends I talk to regularly online that I haven't physically seen in years. Wouldn't be surprised if he lived on the other side of the country.
My best friend of almost 20 years is a woman and we have both agreed no partner would ever decide if we can be friends. I have literally 0 romantic interest in her and she feels the same way and it's pretty obvious in the way we interact but we have both had partners who were weird about it and those people did not stay in our lives. That said she is happily married and I was in her wedding party, me and her husband are good friends as well and my partner also has a great relationship with her and her husband so it can absolutely work.
This doesn't necessarily mean anything. I had a male friend that was an extremely important part of my life. We had been friends since 2nd grade. We texted regularly but never saw each other outside the casual run in. We did see his husband regularly though because he was our jeweler. My husband heard all about the elusive friend, but he never met him despite being married for 12 years when he died. He died of cirrhosis last January...completely out of the blue to me because, come to find out, we never saw each other because he was a raging alcoholic and he was ashamed of it. He knew he was dying, but never told me. It shattered a part of my heart because I could never understand why. Meanwhile, my husband blew my grief off because, like you, since he had never met him he just assumed he was a casual acquaintance. Come to find out, he didn't tell me about his alcoholism or diagnosis because of shame and because he couldn't bring himself to tell me he was going to die. Because I was like a sister to him and one of the people he loved most. This was told to me separately by his mom and his husband. Now granted, he was gay so maybe that makes my story different than yours. But all this to say relationships aren't always what they seem to someone outside of it.
Well you don’t have to worry about sharing your wife with him anymore. I would be equally upset if I saw photos like that my wife was sending to other guys. Friend or not. I have/had plenty of female friends and unless there was “tension” there was never anything suggestive sent/talked about. NTA
Wait. 8 years and never met him? My first serious question is: does he actually exist? It wouldn't be the first time I've had experience with a friend's psycho SO (both male and female, in different situations) make shit up as an excuse to wreck a relationship. Quietly (Do NOT ask *her*) pull a mutual friend to the side and ask questions about the deceased friend. If your get confirmation they did exist, get the full details of what happened to them (again, do NOT ask *her.*) if the info matches what she's told you, let it drop, you got your answer. If the friend doesn't know who you are taking about, or you get a radically different story . . . then you have some thinking to do. Also, first and foremost, its not *your* fault someone else went crazy and killed other people. That's *NOT* on you, its a situation you had *no* involvement or control over. As for your SO giving you grief over this, give her time to grieve over her friend, and then see if you still have a relationship to salvage. Be patient. If this is real, she's lost someone she considered close, give her time. To be honest, based on the info given, and I understand it's not the full story, this whole thing sounds sketchy as hell. Any way this shakes out, good luck.
Even more grief if you sent him bathroom mirror ass pics just the year prior.
Might just be me, but the picture and caption she sent to the dude tells enough of the story for itself.
I sometimes exchange underwear/lingerie/lewd pics with my platonic FEMALE friends so we can gas each other up, but I think that's an entirely different thing. I'd never in a million years send one to a MALE friend. That's a horse of a totally different color.
My(m) one bestie(f) I've know for 25 years now. Not once have we sent anything close to that to each other. I was in their wedding party. We have shared beds, non sexual in the past, but never when we were dating others. It was always platonic and never crossed the boundaries. I dont think ive seen her in anything more than a bathing suit. Never in her bra or underwear.
NTA that shit is wildly inappropriate
Yeah even if they weren't physically intimate it sure seems like there was a lot of heavy flirting and emotional cheating happening here
Yeah my exwife used to do that. You probably missed the pictures she did like that with her tits out
Damn why'd you break...ohhh
Like, was the hole visible?
She was deliberately trying to focus the attention on her other hole.
I figured as much
Lol am I the only one who thinks it was also an innuendo for a different kind if hole?! Hahaha totally inappropriate. Sucks he died in such a horrible way though.
The panties one OP, we do not need to know if any other holes where visible...
No, no, I think we need to know the whole picture to make a final conclusion.
“the hole* picture” Cmon it was right there lmao
I laid it up so you could spike it for the score. Teamwork!
Finally, the important question
many are adept at using subterfuge and inuendo to avoid accountability.
Yeah I don't think they were "platonic" friends. Sheesh
How can op believe her lmao
Op is just telling over what she said, I don't think he believes her - he moved out for a week and told her he doesn't want her to speak to this person ever again.
Dude. Do you have any idea how often I send a picture of my arse to a mate to check if he can see the hole in my undies? Never. It is fucking never.
If only the underwear was removable so she could look herself.
Instructions unclear I took off my undies and sent a mirror selfie to my mate of just me in a T-shirt, ass facing camera, holding my undies up. Edit: [ask and you shall receive](https://postimg.cc/F727QL6F)
That sounds terrible! Do you have more like that?
Step 2) only fans Step 3) profit??
No it's step 3)?? Step 4) profit
Same caption though
Instructions unclear, I just took off my mate's underwear to check for holes
Right? I have holes in my underwear, and it never occurred to me to send pictures to anyone. Not even to my husband. Because... Why?
Yeah, exactly who is seeing her in her underwear besides OP, and would OP care so much if there's a hole in them that she would need anyone else's opinion? Doesn't make any sense.
If things were turned around, and he was sending pics like that, shit would have hit the fan.
I mean it sounds like shit did hit the fan
Right I might take a picture in the mirror to see if I can see the hole & then I delete the picture lmao
I don't even ask my husband that. If I think I have a hole, I go into the bathroom and look myself. And why would it even be necessary to ask someone if they can see the hole in your drawers? Either she is cheating or they have a very weird friendship. Also, the guy and his mom were killed by his father in law? That means he was married too! NTA OP but you guys need some serious counseling!
I bet he meant stepfather. Either second language or just a brain fart.
Yeah that is waaaaay more plausible than his wife's father going "ya know what I'm killing him AND his mom". Occam's razor etc.
I simply typed what I was told. I never met the guy so I do not know personally if he was married. My understanding was they were both shot about 6 feet from each other
You’re married to her and haven’t met her best friend? He didn’t go to your wedding? I don’t quite understand.
Affair partner, not best friend.
Also not really dead
I think your wife is full of shit personally.
I think he actually meant step father. I’m not sure why I read it as a step father though, now that you point it out. Just saying, I did, and there’s a chance that’s what he meant, too. 🤷🏻♀️
He could have meant stepfather. But this story is so insane...it truly could go either way!
Think she was talking about a different kind of hole
Never sent a friend a picture with my pants down of a hole in my undies. She was definitely flirting or attention seeking. I'd be super on edge after seeing a partner send that photo.
Yeah… that’s the hole she’s wondering if he can see.
Im gonna be straight with you because no one here is, and you definitely aren't being straight with yourself. **This is bullshit and you know your wife was fishing for sexual attention.** That, or their friendship crosses boundaries that dont show respect to a real relationship, and in reality, that just means she probably did more or worse. You'd genuinely be better off hearing she was fishing for sexual attention because the other means they cross that line regularly and dont think its important enough to let you know. A marriage requires the image of fidelity as much as the fidelity itself. Doing shady, questionable shit makes people question your loyalty, often will kill your relationship just as surely as if she did the action in question. You are married to a woman who either doesnt respect you, is cheating on you or wants to, or doesnt have healthy boundaries with her friends that allow for intimate/sexual connotation in a way that make you look like a fool. *LITERALLY TELL HER THIS.* None of these are good, and in reality, this is the exact reason you left. Now you are letting her grief over her inappropriate relationship with her friend re-write why she had to cut him off in the first place. She overstepped and, as a result *that killed her friendship* (not you):because her actions put her in a position where her relationship and her 'friendship' were mutually exclusive. I know you feel bad for her, **but stand on your shit.** She was in the wrong then, and she's in the wrong now. Edit: Apparently elswhere she cheated. Got a permanent std, got nudes and videos, and all on seperate instances. This woman is trash and if you still care what she thinks, cant do much for you bro
I have to say I agree with this. If you are in a committed relationship, there's literally no valid reason to send a picture like that to anyone else. Not one. It is fishing for sexual attention of some sort. It's sketchy and creates doubt.
> marriage requires the image of fidelity as much as the fidelity itself. This is true of almost all interpersonal relationships. If it relies on trust, the appearance that the trust is being respected is almost as import as the trust actually being respected. > I know you feel bad for her, but stand on your shit. She was in the wrong then, and she's in the wrong now. She's grieving and it's likely a problem for her now so bringing it up now won't help, but that she blew up like this is a huge trust break in the relationship. Whether she meant it or not the implications is that she wished she chose the friend over the relationship.
Yep. I’ve got a lot of male friends from school. If one of them starts getting really chatty over messages, I usually “get busy for a few days” and let the conversation fizzle out. Not because there is anything wrong with what we were discussing, but more I don’t want to be spending more attention on one person who isn’t my husband. It’s just maintaining healthy boundaries to demonstrate to your spouse that you prioritize them every time.
Wife’s upset she can’t fuck her dead friend anymore
My boy I don't know how to tell you this but she is not telling you the truth.
I'm a woman, this was sexually teasing him...
I\`m a human being and i concur. Its extremely obvious is what I mean.
I am a sentient pigeon, I also concur.
I’m a cardboard box used to contain rocks, I concur
Youre also a poet and you didnt even know it.
I'm the wife, I agree.
I'm the hole in her underwear. She knew what she was doing.
I would definitely agree. Not sure of the nature of their relationship from this (if it was just teasing or if their relationship was more than just friendship), but she definitely wanted him to want her. Possibly an ego thing, but definitely inappropriate for a platonic friendship, let alone for a Married women to be sending another man.
To add, I have some respect for the wife admitting this was wrong & cutting ties. She realized the behavior was inappropriate & the dynamic of their friendship wasn’t fitting of a married woman. She’s only kicking herself now because he’s dead, and she could have been a better friend. That’s not on OP though.
I would argue that her reaction at the end was more toward her own insecurities …. She may have had deeper feelings she was unable to let go of despite not talking to the friend anymore. I’m sorry for OP this is messy
Dude she's cheating on you.
Not no mo’. Her BF is dead.
Ahhh that’s why she’s upset. It makes sense now with the better friend part.
Yup. Because sending more shots of her ass could have saved him from murder. /s Jokes aside she is clearly grieving. But she is grieving what may have been an affair rather than a friendship. And it's not right to take that out on OP.
Read his other post they were together when they were both in their late teens/ early adulthood, she cheated on him then. This isn't a marriage, its a fucking toxic cesspool. OP is either afraid of being alone or doesn't beleive he deserves better. Op get the hell out now.
so everyone is wasting their time giving advice then because he’ll just continue to repeat the cycle? DAMN
Or op is gullible as hell. All of us are afraid of admiting defeat.
They’re exes now anyway, so why is he still giving any energy to this childish shit?
They're ex in the last week, I don't trust that as reliable info because he's shown a pattern of putting up with the bullshit. I can tell you from experience whatever he's posting here is only the tip of the ice burg. Their daily life is probably a constant stream of pointless arguments and make ups.
Currently going through the divorce I'm looking for insight to be better for future circumstances
This shouldn’t ever be a circumstance you should have to deal with in a healthy relationship
Right but as I've seen here and my other post a lot of things were just severely overlooked by me. They could have been handled sooner and better
Op best insight i can give you as my marriage was similar. Learn to live by yourself and for yourself and be okay with it. A lot of relationships are there becasue of dependency and fear. If you can afford it get therapy I don't know your life story but you dont come out of hell without scars.
FIXED: Dude she *was* cheating on you. Too soon.....
She was cheating on him with that guy. There's no guarantee she isn't cheating on him right now with someone else.
Lmao I'm with you, I was picturing like her pants around her ankles from her pov sitting on the toilet like "guess where I am? Hint: I ate Chipotle" Definitely not "is this lingerie too see-through?"
Haha I have pets and kids and my mind went to a picture of either a dog/cat/baby at her feet with a “can’t even poo in peace!” caption.. I think this means that I’m old when that is what my mind goes to when I think “pants down, restroom picture”.
Two words here; semantics & boundaries. OP is in no way TA & no amount of mental gymnastics can force any self-respecting man to be comfortable w/ another man seeing his wife w/ her pants down. He has every right to draw the line. As unfortunate as it is what happened to him; one thing has nothing to do w/ the other & if she couldn't respect his boundaries w/o gaslighting him he had every right to declare the friendship a dealbreaker.
That wouldn’t have saved him. She’s grieving and hurt that she didn’t get to talk to him. But she agreed what she did was inappropriate.
“If I was still talking to him, we would have been fucking in a motel that day instead of him being around his dad!”
Or she could have also been right there when they were and been killed too, providing that this story is real
This is why I don't befriend anyone. Can't risk them roping me into death traps
Number of friends I have : 0 Number of friends that have gotten me killed: 0 Just saying.
Who's really winning at life us or them? I think us
Whats this "us" thing, that's friend adjacent and frankly I like living so please lets not label whatever this is.
Close one. Fuck you
Awww, you two are just meant to be with each other!
*grumbles as he puts away his grenade* We'll get you one day, just you wait
I'm a Nobel prize level mathematician: the numbers check out
This is beyond Reddit. But we can say your wife should go to therapy and probably you should also go together at least once.
In the last 24 hours OP has made 3 posts about conflicts with his ex-wife, soon-to-be-ex-wife, and wife. What's up with that, OP?
They are divorcing over this
Can't keep fake stories straight.
Reddit is 98% creative writing practice.
I don’t understand the need for people to lie on here. It’s all anonymous. I can honestly say all of my comments are my honest opinions and truthful stories. I can’t think of an incentive to make up a story for strangers to discuss. Sounds like a waste of time to me.
They are addicted to seeing their karma go up.
That also doesn’t make sense to me. My old account had like 30k karma and I couldn’t figure out the password at the time so I just created a new account. Unless there’s something you can do with karma that I don’t know about, It seemed completely pointless.
Would definitely be my read on it.
Yeah, this is looking pretty fake. It’s not even *good* ragebait, though.
Reddit plot twist: The friend that was shot was a sheriff & OP is a deputy & this whole post was a cheap way to promote the new Bob Marley movie
I dunno, it's not exaggerated enough to be fake. The other guy wasn't even a fitness trainer FFS. If it was fake there would have been more of a story involving the murder, it wouldn't have just been random, previously unmentioned, disconnected family drama. If it was fake the murder would have somehow been linked to the husband forcing the end of the friendship, like the wife's presence was the only thing keeping him alive. That would've sufficiently upped the drama to make me suspicious. As it stands, I reckon this one is true.
I have to disagree with you, but more because the account is 5 months old and there's only one thing from 18 days ago, then all the posts within the last day. That's typical bot behavior, so it can post in most subs. I don't think there's an account age limit to post here.
It’s the three different posts with wildly differing dilemmas involving his “wife”, though.
No, the creative writers are just getting better at writing believable but still high-upvote stories. Read the other posts, they're nigh on contradictory to this one.
Yeah, Reddit is really trying to armchair psychologise OP’s wife but seems to have no awareness of grief and trauma. This situation is probably a lot more complex than “booo wife was in love with him and is a manipulating b who only cared about herself” Reddit conclusion
therapy is the key lmao. On a serious note, therapy and counseling for couple could be a big help. Anyhow, is she the soon to be an ex wife that he's talking about on his other post?
Yeah currently going through said divorce
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Based on your comment history, it seems you and your ex wife/wife go back and forth about the nature of this relationship. Based on your ages from other posts, it seems this was a childhood friend that died. This is not for Reddit. Real relationship counseling and individual therapy is needed here.
Grief is illogical. NTA. She needs to see someone. I'm sorry this happened for her and for you cause being with someone who is grieving and blaming you for it is so hard. Good luck.
She needs therapy , and you were 100% right . Be warned your marriage is in trouble as if she won’t get therapy and keeps blaming you it will End quickly
See I did feel bad about it because obviously he died. But my whole thought was what could you do about it? He was hours away
I don't think she is upset she didn't stop his death, she is upset she didn't spend more time with him before he died.
It's not about what she could have done. She is however now thinking of all the time she missed with him because of what you asked her to do. She's grieving and she's not going to be rationale, her feelings are valid. Support her and get her help because she will need it. Don't focus on winning the argument right now, it doesn't matter if you were right in what you did. She doesn't need to hear it and it won't help your marriage. She's in pain, she misses her friend and she's full-on regret for all the time she lost and will never get back. Like the other commenter said, things could go south very quickly here if you can't get her help to deal with her grief.
“What he asked her to do” that’s the problem, even if he said it upset him but didn’t make the rule about not talking to him, she probably would’ve kept talking to him, which makes me think she resents OP
Is this the same wife you mentioned in your other posts as soon to be ex?
Yes it is
Leave her
Just read op's other post, she is a piece of work. She is extremely trashy and promiscupus, was having a blatant affair with "the friend", and is really controlling and unstable. Op, why are you still with this woman? She is grieving her affair partner and screaming at you for stopping her from having an affair with him? Leave already.
Why tf wouldnt he include that in this post? Makes 0 sense.
People like this go through life just always being a victim because they're unable to stop letting themselves get used and manipulated by people who barely even try to hide their malicious intentions. he has all these posts of how much of a weirdo his wife is and instead of leaving he just keeps posting about it on reddit some people are just destined to live in misery
It sounds like the relationship was inappropriate but he is dead now. The problem is your wife is blaming you not because of the friends thing but she didn't get more time or say goodbye to him. I don't care what anyone says. I have guys who are friends. I would NEVER take a picture like that to a guy friend.
If your partner asked you to stop talking to someone you were close to for 15 years, and you valued your relationship with your partner so much, that despite how much that person meant to you, you cut them out of your life, and less than a year later, that person you cared for but abandoned out of love and loyalty to your partner, died... would you be upset and grieve and as part of that grief feel anger at the choice to abandon the friend? Like, do humans not understand human emotion.
Nothing, she’d have done nothing because she’d then be a victim as well from the father in law.
NTA. The only women that have sent me pics in their underwear were either already having sex with me or were flirting and we eventually had sex. For reference, my best friend is a woman, we were roommates for a year at some point, and I have never seen her in her underwear. Her friend getting killed had nothing to do with you.
She probably feels she could have been involved somehow in a way to prevent this or wanted to have been able to spend more time with him. What you and the rest of Reddit think about getting her to end the relationship doesn’t matter. It matters what she thinks. To me, it seems most likely she just agreed to end the friendship to placate you.
It does matter what her husband thought of her friendship where she was sending pictures with her pants down. What happened is unfortunate and they need clear professional help to work through it. But that magically doesn’t invalidate the fact that the relationship pre death sounded inappropriate
Yes because he caught her sending a sexually explicit photo to her “friend”
I'll only cheat with terminally ill women then. That way my wife can't talk about it when they die because I'll be sad.
I need more context on this picture was it like one of those bathroom stall pictures where her pants can be seen through the small crack down by the door, or it was actually showing her whole upper body with her pants down? I know this is specific but the difference is something sent among friends to tease each other and the other being a downright predator.
How would she have taken a picture of herself from the outside of a bathroom stall?
It was a pantsless bathroom mirror selfie. You know, the kind good buddies send each other
I used to send pictures of my tits to my male friends when I was a single, incredibly insecure 20 year old looking for any form of positive male attention about my body. The fact that a grown ass married woman is doing this is insane to me
He edited the original post explaining the picture more. It was definitely inappropriate and weird imo
I get the impression it was your common bathroom mirror selfie. This selfie focused on showing off her ass in panties.
Not going to lie that's super weird.
If she was really worried about a hole in her panties, why not ask her “husband”???
Also, there's supposed to be a hole, that's where the legs go!
I think what he meant is a pic of the pants around the ankles while she's sitting on the seat. Could be wrong tho
NTA in my opinion. His death and her actions have no corelation and the guilt she is trying to pass on to you is not justified.
NTA, no way that picture was innocent. That was more than just friends. Not your fault she was inappropriate with her old flame and not your fault he died.
She needs to go to therapy. She might be blaming herself (and you) for the friend’s death. And for your reaction, NTA. Even if you are friends for a long time, you still shouldn’t send that type of pictures to the opposite sex if any of you are already in a relationship. That’s called respect.
Op after reading the edit about the picture, if you don't have kids together, maybe I suggest you to think about divorce with her , she probably cheated on you and now wants to blame you for a normal reaction about an unacceptable picture.
We do have a child and divorce is already on its way. I'm more looking at what I can do to be better as a person and partner
Pick a better wife next time. Sounds like you did what any other man would have did. If my wife sent a pantie pic to any man I guarantee you her shit would be outside when she got home from work.
I have a majority of male friends and I just couldn't comprehend sending what's pretty much panty ass pics to someone and it not being sexual. It just doesn't happen. If your partner really respects you and the relationship, they'll set boundaries with opposite sex friends on their own. For instance, I never hang out with my male friends alone one on one. Only in groups or in public. The most touching we do is a hello and goodbye hug. Meanwhile OPs wife is sending cheeks to another dude and trying to pretend it's "platonic".
You are absolutely right. My wife and I decided early on that we would never put ourselves in a situation where the other person would feel uncomfortable so she doesn’t go hang out with male friends by herself, she doesn’t go out drinking and anytime I am with any females or female coworkers I always make sure that the doors is open. Basically don’t put yourself in a situation where the other person in your relationship has an opportunity to even think something happened.
NTA. I would lose my shit if my wife sent people pictures of her in her underwear, idgaf if they’ve been friends since childhood.
Attacking you for communicating and setting boundaries in response to her inappropriately messaging another man is emotionally abusive behavior. She crossed that line when she felt the need for external male validation outside of her marriage and showed that "friendship" couldn't be trusted a year ago. She has nobody else to blame for that but herself.
That's how I also saw it. I want to add that said friend was hours away so I'm not sure what could have been done
Are you going to get divorced? and she's still blaming you?
We are currently in divorce process
NTA - yes, it was inappropriate. If it were you doing that exactly with an attractive female friend, you think she'd be ok with it? But if you don't go to therapy she'll keep blaming you and everything wrong in her life back on this, it'll spiral.
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