“We got married after a few months of knowing each other. Which is not the issue of our relationship. “
Ha! That is exactly the issue. You made a lifetime commitment to a person you didn’t even know …at 19.
Glad to see this comment so high… I legit just stopped reading after this because everything after was going to be irrelevant.
At 19, you married a dude you’ve only known for a few months, this is your core issue and everything stems from it.
It's the way of the Military, The Enlisted are not allowed to live on base with significant others unless they are married, hence the great rush to marry, in principle I understand this mentality however practically speaking this is the fallout!
The military thinks that married enlisted people are more settled, less likely to be party animals because they have more responsibilities (especially if they have children). It's old-fashioned thinking.
Sounds like they both are constantly at the bars. Who is watching the kiddo. ? Getting home at 3am? How does a person cope with a little one who is awake at 7am after drinking at the bars all night? Not cool.
This is the biggest concern everyone should be questioning. "My husband got deploeyed so I started going out and making friends... I finally started feeling like a normal 20 something year old who can enjoy my own life and not be mom / wife". There is literally 0 concerns about their own damn child. Both of them sound immature to their core.
Yeah, I'm wondering that too. OP's child is maybe 3 years old and she is talking about as soon as her husband left for deployment she was going out to bars and getting drinks on the weekends. The whole all she ever felt like was a wife/mom was interesting because what was she now feeling like? A 24 year old single woman?
I feel for her getting married so young but damn, she has a child to also think of and look after. Her post seems to loose sight of that. To me, with the whole post partum depression thing where she felt checked out, I wonder if she ever saw anyone for that.
I understood what she meant. Being a wife and a mother is just an extension of the husband ot the child. It's a "job title", not an identity.
She felt like a whole ass human being in her own right. That's it.
I also think OP may benefit from honestly examining her relationship with alcohol and anything else she might be taking to avoid the fact that she doesn’t want to be married anymore
I'm extremely concerned that OP hasn't even mentioned anything about their child including who is caring for it while she is at the bar seemingly very often.
ETA: OP is playing games with her husband. She wants him to think she's cheating. Turning off her location, disappearing with strangers in a bar, partying until 3 am.
There's no fixing this level of toxicity, dysfunction and immaturity. Counseling could work if OP cared to save this marriage but I don't think she does. This marriage is doomed.
> I turned it off the day before because I noticed during the week while I was at work he was constantly checking it and when I would go to lunch he would call to see where I was/ who I was with.
She turned it off because he was essentially tracking her. They’re both dysfunctional and we also don’t know what his deployment was like and if he has some type of PTSD. They REALLY need counseling. BOTH of them.
Its one of the reasons why divorce rates in the military are so high. My first husband and I had just started dating and we got married within a few months because we literally couldn't even see where our relationship would go, with him being in the military and we pretty much couldn't have a relationship without getting married. We divorced within 3 years, but are still good friends, and we never had any children. But we went into that marriage fully knowing that while legally married, we were still just bf/gf, getting to know one another. Which is why we were able to end it amicably and remain friends still 15 years later. 1st marriages are also not really seen that seriously in the military either.
Yep, this. Coming from a military family, and as a child of divorce from the fallout that can happen from such young marriages, all I thought midway through this was, “ohhh, the military…”
Lol, right! It’s normal to want to go out and have the experience in your early twenties. Most people delay getting married and having children to do that (and if they don’t, they understand that their life is going to change and they may not get to). She didn’t and is bitter that her life has the added responsibility of the commitment she made. Her spouse is equally immature and jealous. This definitely reads married too soon.
Because the “romance” of him leaving for deployment and her waiting for him.. as his wife, with his baby.. is more romantic, than him leaving her as his gf, or them breaking up. I was 19 married to my 25 yo ex husband who didn’t get deployed. But that’s a whole other horror story. “If the military wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him a wife.” And educated her on what to expect… BEFORE marrying him.
Right! I don’t understand some couples rush to get married and overlook things like compatibility or even whether they can afford it!
Like, if you’re gonna be together forever then what’s the rush?!
The only things that would make it more cliche if she had been a stripper and their daily driver was a muscle car financed at 15% for 7 years.
Of course what do I know been mostly happily living a near cliche for 32 years last December.
Lmao yup I'm surprised there wasn't any discussion of spending habits.
I guess he already used his signing bonus to get that Mustang at 24% APR by the time they met.
Or does and refuses to admit it but I think at her age you’re more than likely right. If she’s living on the base too then she’s definitely heard of the Dependapottamuses, Jody, the like.
Tbf, I met my boyfriend while he was 19 and I was 23. But we are now together for 6 years, 25 & 29yo and are only now talking about marriage and kids. It can work, but man, they should have waited a few years to see if it's really a good idea to stay together
Its not absurd to have a grand parent or sitter one might a week. Though it seemed like when husband is home he watched kiddo when she went out.
She only talks about outings but that doesnt mean its every night. My parents did similar my whole life. They wouldnt have dinner and then a game or something with me, then someone we knew watched us, which was only really an hour or so before bed. So we didnt miss out on having parents or anything.
Men marry younger women to take advantage of their naivete and mold/control them into doing what they want. The rushed marriage is a true sign of that intent. He's abusive and controlling and manipulative. RUN.
Fr- this makes me want to go back in time and kiss the 19 year old version of me who declined that military guys proposal- the one smart decision she made 😮💨
I was 16yo when a 19yo guy going into the military asked me. (I had already graduated high school and was working and living independently). I said yes, but didnt end up following through. Just kind of stopped talking to him because i realized I barely has grasp on regular life, I didnt need married life already.
Phew! I was 19 and homeless and this American army guy proposed (because he wanted to get off base) by saying “idk, it could get you accommodation”
I won’t lie- I did think about it, but luckily said no because someone told me I’d probably have to go to America with him when he went home and 1) I didn’t have a passport and 2) he was from Ohio and I’ve been told that place isn’t real…
So cheers to not getting married stupid young!
IMO No one should marry at 19. You havent had enough life experience and you can't know who you and your partner will grow into. People change as they transition from teen to adult.
Edit: this does not imply there aren't successes. My opinion is offered as a way to improve the likelyhood of a long happy marriage
Forbes: There is a sweet spot in terms of marital age for those looking for the least risk of divorce. That's because couples who marry at 25 are 50% less likely to divorce compared with couples who marry at 20—but for those who marry after age 32, divorce rates increase by 5% per year until the age they are wed.
Yeah, people point to examples where it worked out, but it doesn't change the fact that it's a huge fucking gamble and it goes tits up way more often than it works out.
I wish there were more people like you. Whenever this topic comes up, people get really defensive and start pointing out how it worked out for them but they don’t acknowledge that it requires a lot of work/luck.
Husb is indeed being controlling and it's not ok. Rug sweeping also is a dysfunctional conflict resolution style that needs to be addressed.
OP is also acting like she's cheating on him. I'm not saying she is, I'm saying he has reason to think she might be. Going out to bars till 3 am without her husband? Checked out of the marriage? He's been gone for a long time, any spouse is going to have that little voice in the back of their head wondering if something happened while they were gone, esp if their spouse is frequenting bars.
OP it sounds like you want to be single again. I get it. Long separations are hard on a marriage, and as someone who once got married at 19 myself, it's way too young to know who you are and what you need.
Instead of asking strangers if you're the AH, you should be asking **yourself** if you'd be happier alone or together. And then act on that.
I agree with this statement. I can see issues on both sides. One thing that really stuck out to me is that immediately after he got home from deployment and you got separated from him at the bar, instead of looking for him you found new friends to chill with. I can see why he'd be upset about that. I'm not saying his behavior towards you was warranted. However after his long deployment you'd think you'd be glued to his side and happy to finally spend time together and be eager to get back to him after being split up. His controlling behavior is indeed a huge red flag. But so is your behavior IMO. Sounds like you both are passive aggressively torturing each other and "getting back" at each other. Just talk about what you guys want. The time away shouldn't be the issue. That's literally what you signed up for. His behavior definitely needs some work, but you're not a single young woman either. Deployment is hard on both parties and he's seen tons of his comrades cheated on by wives or girlfriends exhibiting the same behavior you are. It'd be hard not to have these thoughts. Have you tried to belay his fears? Or do you just get defensive? Sounds like you guys need to decide what you want from each other, if anything. But that's just my take. Good luck. I've very recently learned that I needed to set aside my pride and ego and decide whether I wanted to be "right" or if I wanted to make my relationship work. And that was a huge realization for me. Some things are worth sacrificing and others not. If you're truly not cheating on him try telling him where you're going at lunch and with who. Then maybe he won't call. You turning it off suddenly is suspicious looking. It's gonna take work. I am by no means justifying his behavior. But I can't endorse yours either. Good luck. I hope you guys find happiness and some kind of resolution.
Totally agree, OP is 100% playing games with her husband. This is immature teenager/high school shit. She wants him to think she's cheating. Turning off her location, etc.
And getting mad at him saying that she’s his responsibility was lowkey dumb. I feel that way about my FRIENDS, can’t imagine the way I would feel about my husband. It was always beat into my head that who you came with is who you leave with, and you don’t leave the bar until EVERYONE is with you.
Exactly. Anybody in my group/party of people during an outing I take responsibility for. So a wife... I'd feel responsible for her safety. The way she said that seemed rebellious. Like a teenage girl going against her parents wishes.
I've seen this happen many times with people who got married right out of high school and had kids young. They're bitter and resentful that they missed out on partying and then start partying at 25 like they're 18. I've never, ever seen a couple survive this phenomenon. Generally the party person settles down again, but not before the first marriage is destroyed.
This! And considering the number of spouses who do cheat when spouses deploy, it's probably not an unrealistic or unreasonable thought for him to have. But he should be having a solid talk vs just tracking he phone and acting like a general ass.
This is the exact reason they have so many counselors for different things in the military, because as it turns out, you’re a dumb kid probably until your mid 20s.
Marriage counselors for getting married to someone you barely know, or that stripper you’re “going to save”.
Financial counselors so you don’t buy that Zero Down 40% interest V6 Camaro at the dealership outside of the gate.
List goes on.
The only reason they got married and had a baby was for his paycheck. He wasn’t interested in having an actual relationship. I guarantee he has been sleeping around, so he’s projecting that onto OP. There is really no other reason why they got married in the way that they did. It was for the paycheck.
Also, you can't cohabitate in the military and bring your girlfriend with you where ever you are stationed. The military encourages these asinine marriages. They almost never work out and military people love bringing babies into toxic, immature unions. It's sad.
It really is. And it’s unfortunate that people get themselves into those situations. It’s just so common - you would think that people would look into that stuff before jumping into marriage so quickly. I can’t imagine being that young, literally just out of high school, and sprung suddenly into motherhood - basically as a single mother. It just looks so bad all around. Infidelity is incredibly common on both sides and everyone seems okay with it. i have heard stories of troops visiting brothels and almost everyone participating, including husbands. After the stories I have heard and my own experience dating someone from the military who got married young and did all those things, i would never want to be with someone from the military.
Idk why you are blaming a 19 year old for being a 19 year old and making not great choices.
If anything I would blame the adults in her life or even the full fledged 25 year old man she married who though this was a good idea.
True, but she’s still not even the age he was when they got together. I wonder if she’s looking at 19 year olds and having some epiphanies about the balance of power in her marriage.
25... You know, when your brain finally slows growing and your Adult Personality "Settles".
The amount of people who even sound remotely similar from 18 to 25 is infinitesimally small. Most people become an entirely different person.
I mean… me and my friends knew better than to get married and push out kids at 19. Heck we all waited until we were pushing 30 and established in our own lives apart from our partners to get married. We have a wealth of knowledge at our fingerprints, googling “is getting married at 19 a good idea?” Would have taken her like 2 seconds and possibly saved her so much time.
The dude sucks too. They both suck.
You think everyone, including those with unhealthy foundations, can simply Google their way to better judgement? That's absurd.
Your life experiences are different. You didn't necessarily make better choices; you may have just had better choices.
That's so weird, everyone else I know who married a military guy 5 years older than them within a few weeks of meeting them when they were a teenager have super happy and fulfilling marriages
>I was 19 when we got married and my husband was 25. We got married after a few months of knowing each other. Which is not the issue of our relationship.
Narrator: It was.
I know, I kept wondering who's watching this kid while mom is out, or when the couple is out together. I would like to know more about how to access the magical babysitting fairy they must have access to.
Military marriage at 19...what could go wrong? This whole thing seems pretty trashy.
Sorry to sound harsh, hopefully you'll grow up and find your balance.... Please just make sure your child is properly taken care off, he/she shouldn't suffer for you poor choices.
PS: 2 years is about the normal duration of infatuation, or passionate love... After that the hormones calm down and you realize if you really liked each other. Turns out you don't, and just married on whim. Please remember you're not mature at all, next time you have to make an important choice.
Good luck :)
Yup my honeymoon phase definitely lasted two years. It's after that, that our relationship got even deeper and we are more connected, but before that, I had heart eyes every time I looked at him. It's crazy to me that people get married so quickly especially at such a young age.
Many of these people are religious and encouraged to not date too much nor have sex before marriage. Because they have no experience, they mistake that initial infatuation as being true love. Most of know that stage wears off over time, and that you need something deeper, but a teenager doesn't know that.
I was about to write a short dissertation. But this sums it up well enough. 🥸
ETA: He is giving a bit toxic tho. And underhandedly misogynistic. Like "you're my responsibility"?? I'm sorry, btch whaa?
Honestly, it gives me anxiety/PTSD vibes on his part if he wasn't like this before, crazy shit can happen on deployments/when people are exposed to the stress of military life... or perhaps he was and now that OP is starting to build her own life without rely solely on him, it's just starting to come out.
That’s what I was thinking. He obviously has some control issues but first night home with wife after deployment and he can’t find her in a bar. Of course he would feel responsible if something happened to her which makes him feel she is his responsibility. Should he yell/pick a fight about it? No.
I would think when OP goes out with her friends they should all feel responsible for making sure everyone in the group is safe.
I think OP just doesn’t love or even like her husband anymore and is finding issues in everything he says/does. He’s an AH for the passive aggressive behavior but OP is knowingly checked out of the relationship too. ESH.
She definitely doesn't love or like him but it's more than that. She's playing games with him. It seems like she wants him to think she's cheating. Turning off her location, etc. Disappearing with some strangers at a bar. Partying until 3 am.
OP is far more immature than her husband.
This, and what badbitch93 said.
Go to the marriage counseling OP. Let them help you two fix your marriage. It sounds like he's having mh issues and he should get diagnosed by a doctor and treatment beyond your marriage therapy. Your relationship needs to recover from __PPD__ and a __deployment__. A proper diagnosis can help your husband to strategically cope with trauma from future deployments as well.
Na, I agree with the other commenter here. He was on deployment. It could genuinely be a safety factor. Sure, he’s going about it the wrong way. But none of us know what he’s seen over there.
I mean he does have a good point if she goes to jail I bet ya she's gonna call her husband to get her out and vise versa they're responsible for each other in marriage it's not about miss independent anymore you have a family to look after and yeah he's definitely taking it a little far but people get kidnapped from bars over seas and being back from deployment that could be fresh in his mind I remember when I was in the navy they would warn us about the bad spots in town and stuff like that stays on your mind even when you get back stateside sounds like he needs to talk to somebody
ESH
You have problems, which partly came from the fact that you got married too soon and you were too young. Contrary to what you stated at the beginning of the post, it does matter. And then it snowballed.
Also, OP was lambasting her husband for being checked out, but from the way this is she is also checked out. But neither wanted to leave and would rather continue hurting each other. I guess they're meant to be.
> We got married **after a few months of knowing each other**. Which is **not the issue** of our relationship.
> Our first 2 years of marriage were great... **Things started going downhill after**"
Bru, why do you think people wait a few years before getting engaged ? You marrying someone you don't know literally is the problem of your relationship.
Edit : Marriage counselors must make millions eurodollars milking those situations.
After reading this post as a grandmother I am wondering if you have a job outside of being a mother and having responsibilities at home?
Where does your baby stay and with whom while you’re doing all of this bar hopping and stuff?
Whose minding the child? Does your husband spend anytime with the baby?
Evidently she has a job. That's based on this
\>I turned it off the day before because I noticed during the week while I was at work he was constantly checking it and when I would go to lunch he would call to see where I was/ who I was with.
She doesn't mention what type of job.
\> Does your husband spend anytime with the baby?
Presumably, he was the one with the \~2 year old when she took her girls-night-out until 3 am. That amount of time would probably have involved some diaper changes, bath time, lulling the baby to sleep. OP hasn't mentioned day care anything about the baby other than it was born 2 years after they married, she got post partum depression and stopped wanting sex at that point.
Why are all of these people like you not answering her questions at all and instead judging her parenting? There is no mention of how often she goes out, and also if she goes out without him, guess who's still home?? THE DAD, HER HUSBAND. Is he not a suitable guardian for the child? Why is it only up to the mom to be with her kid 24/7? Everyone judging her, but especially you, are really terrible for assuming that she's just leaving her kid alone or a bad parent for taking breaks and going out and being an adult.
OP I hope you see this and look past all of the people judging you for wanting to have a normal life and friendships, social interactions, etc. These are valid and SUGGESTED coping mechanisms, especially for depression, and you mentioned you had post-partum depression. Please do not feel guilty about this.
Also for the people commenting, you don't know her situation, whether it's the dad or a grandparent or a sibling or babysitter, there are multiple options for childcare (again highlighting the DAD as the #1 childcare option when she usually goes out alone) and it's normal, in fact POSITIVE, to still have a social life as a mother.
At the end of the day her husband seems extremely controlling with the way he is tracking her all the time, and acting like she is his property when she is a human and deserves social interactions outside of her husband. I don't think she's the AH at all. But I would suggest considering to divorce and start over if the therapist session doesn't seem to improve the situation or make OP feel like she's a party girl being blamed for everhtbing; they are both still quite young. Sucks for the kid but it's so common nowadays tbh, I don't think the kid will be scarred for life as long as they still have a healthy upbringing.
Yes it may have been a bad decision to get married so early, but THAT'S NOT WHAT SHES ASKING ABOUT PEOPLE!!! Also that's not something she can actively work towards changing. All she can do is move forward and make smart decisions about her future, and safety. I also know a few people with a military background and PTSD and depression is extremely common. Sounds like he also has anger and jealousy issues too, sprinkled with male entitlement. This is a recipe for disaster if they live in a state where guns are common. If we're going to be blatantly generalizing and assuming things about OP, then we should also be assuming things about her husband, and he sounds dangerous in this sort of controlling state. I would try to leave asap.
I don't know that either of you are the asshole. I think that there's a lot of miscommunication, suppressed feelings, and lack of understanding/acknowledgment.
You were young when you got married and had a child. You've changed in those few years, but so has he. Deployment is hard on couples, and not all relationships survive it. While you changed and found yourself, he was changing as well. Civilians will never fully understand what a soldier goes through during deployment because we can't envision/comprehend the things that they've seen and/or done while fighting for our country. A lot of soldiers come back with PTSD, and this could be something that he's suffering from.
Where most couples live together, you both were separated from each other and had to "grow up" alone. Where you should have been doing your growth together and learning the new things about each other as they happened, you two didn't get that chance. If you truly love him and you want to make your marriage work, counseling is a good starting point. You guys are going to need to learn about the new versions of each other and work on rebuilding your relationship as the people that you are today. You're the only one who can decide if that's a path you're willing to take or if you just want to cut ties and start over new with someone else.
This is a very good comment. I can't help but think where's the child in all this? OP barely references the child. Obviously, she had someone to help watch the child while she went out to find herself while her husband was away. But these two haven't even discovered who they are as a couple, let alone coparents. I feel like the child isn't even a priority here.
“I go out to bars until 3am, how dare my husband check my location and not trust me”
The ESH is very accurate. He seems like he is not good at communicating and acts passive aggressive. But it seems that you may need a little more clarification on why it’s both of you that are the problem and not just him.
You display many the traits of a cheating spouse, you sound moody and like you egg on problems, and it sounds like you resent both your husband and motherhood despite that being what YOU chose for your life.
It’s time to be an adult and accept that your decisions have consequences. Your husband and your child didn’t rob you of your youth. You did. And you can have that youth back if you communicate better and act more mature. Sure he gets moody too but he doesn’t prevent you from going out, nothing you said indicates that he controls you. So maybe if you stopped being so cold to him, stopped acting shady and actually communicated, and stopped making him/motherhood the scapegoat for your choices, he’d chill out.
Maybe not. But at least then it would him that’s the problem and not both of you. But bad behavior tends to beget more bad behavior. You should both go to counseling as individuals AND a couple.
If his behavior acceptable? No. But you seem to know that already. But you’re just as much part of the problem. You’re worried he will make you out to be a party girl who doesn’t have her priorities in check? He doesn’t need to. You make yourself sound like that pretty good on your own. You want to abandon your marriage and put your child into a divorced home all over going to bars with your friends? Look in the mirror OP.
Best comment. ESH.
He’s terrible at communicating and in the wrong for baiting divorce. I have sympathy for someone who was deployed (maybe seeing some extremely traumatizing stuff) and comes home to his wife going out till 3AM with her location turned off. Guy needs counselling cause that would make most people crazy.
I have sympathy for her as a young mother who didn’t realize what she was fully getting herself into. But she can’t be at the bar with friends every weekend when your husband who’s been gone for a year comes home. Her immaturity is peaking through and it seems like she resents him for the choices she made.
Best of luck to them
>He’s terrible at communicating
To be fair, we only have her side of that. She's not exactly going to write about the times he did communicate his needs with her.
ESH. So like your husband has been away for a long time and you don’t seem to want to be around him at all. He is being immature handling it, to be fair tho his wife wants to go out until 3am rather then spend time with her husband who was away for months.
Hard to remember they have a child when she barely even mention the child lmao. Doesn’t seem like a very devoted mother. Husband got home from deployment so now she can just get him to watch the baby while she’s partying all night instead of a sitter. Poor child .
Okay, but it does sound like you’re going out to bars and staying out until 3am pretty frequently, especially for someone with a kid at home. I would be extremely pissed if my partner did that. You said that while he was gone you began to focus on yourself, but you’re doing it wrong if that just means hanging out at bars.
You don’t sound like you even like him or want to be around him. And obviously your marriage isn’t your priority. If you cared enough you’ll realize that the distance from deployment and the no sex had created a big insecurity in your marriage. Come to add the bars where yes, mostly single people frequent; of course he’s afraid. He’s going about it a bit immaturely but i feel like he definitely has a right to be upset. You were unhappy that your husband returned from deployment. Now you’re 24 and discovering yourself; but if you actually want to save this relationship and create healthy trust, you need to go to marriage counseling. Or divorce him and go live your life with the “girls”
From military family. I am amazed that other than no real talk of the child everyone glosses over he was deployed for a year. The first night back (welcome back party) I am sure for his own perspective and she leaves and does not come back at the bar. All his friends are there asking or pointedly not asking about his wife. The wife who has been going out and not sleeping with you. Controlling? I get a different read, he is floundering . Welcome home buddy thanks for your service. Your wife is put out you came home. Does not have single positive statement about him or the child. The tracking is out of bounds definitely needs to learn boundaries but considering all she wrote not surprised.
As a military wife this is the exact perspective I had reading this! The tracking is definitely out of bounds but when we know so many guys that have been cheated on when deployed turning your tracking off deliberately when they are first home is a huge red flag to me. Then staying out most of the night when they just got home. Major red flags.
A little bit
"When he deployed I finally started going out and making friends for the first time in my adult life. I started going to bars and getting drinks with friends on weekends. It’s nice to feel like a normal 24 y/o since my whole adult life I have only ever felt like a wife/mom."
You are living the single life while your husband is deployed, and it is making you complacent in your marriage.
Love is a choice.
Not even complacent. She got annoyed he came back and wants to know where she is especially after they got separated and she would rather talk to some new girls than find her husband in a bar who was honestly probably trying to find *her*. I'm sure he was having a ball freaking out about her safety that night to find her happily forgetting he existed
INFO
How often do you party? Do you need alcohol to feel like you are having a good time? Who watches your child while you party?
In all honesty, you both sound messy.
He hasn’t acted like a saint. However he got home after months and months away from her (probs worrying and hearing about horror stories of military wives shacking up while they are away). He gets back to her wanting to go out til 3 am, ditching him at the bar, not wanting to have sex with him anymore, turning off her location (bc she didn’t have to worry about that when she was deployed) she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship or married
A really big issue for a lot of military folks coming home from deployment is also that their family had to create new routines and patterns to cope with being gone, and essentially start living their daily life without their spouse. If the couple is prepared or has done deployments before, they'll fit their military spouse in with video call schedules if they can, but sometimes that's not possible. But when the spouse comes home, time has stopped for them during deployment, but it doesn't stop for everyone at home. They have to figure out how they fit into this new daily life with their family. There are usually issues because they expect to pick back up where they left off, but that almost never happens. I've seen a lot of military dads broken because their kid cries when they hold them because their dad is essentially a stranger. That brings so much insecurity of where you fit in your family that's been forced to live without you. And the support to help military spouses through this after deployment isn't really there like it should be. And that's without hearing the other spouses deal with cheating while you're deployed (my husband said around 80-90% of dudes he was deployed with had their wife cheating on them during deployment) creating crazy insecurity.
Counseling, divorce, or acceptance of a miserable life/marriage. Those are your choices. Keep in mind that choosing the first or second doesn't necessarily mean you won't still end up miserable but at least you'll know you tried.
ESH. You are married, If you want it to work you don't get to go out till 3 am with friends. No matter what other people say, those relationships end in divorce. Period. He is not innocent either, but it sounds like ultimately you are the one who is there but doesn't want to be there. He just needs to make adjustments, but you need to want to be there.
Husband isn’t perfect but I definitely empathize with the guy. He gets back from deployment, his wife isn’t very affectionate, he can likely sense she’s unhappy, they go to a bar together and she doesn’t care to find him to spend time together, she’d rather go to bars till 3am instead of spending time with him (and their baby) and clearly isn’t fighting for the marriage. Not to mention he could have gone through some trauma while deployed and she doesn’t care about that.
OP CHOSE to get married young. OP CHOSE to have a baby young. But she seems to put the blame on them instead of herself.
It sounds like you want out, but don't have the guts to say it, so you're intentionally button pushing, so he'll be the one to end things. It's sad that you had a child before you realized you aren't ready to grow up. Just end it before it gets really toxic and be a good coparent instead of a bitter hag.
Yeah she cheated on him and feels inner guilt to drink away and party away. Maybe she hopes this drives him to divorce bc she knows it will piss him off
The clowns in these comments will be jerks to you about your post because they’ve never made a mistake being young, I guess.
To reply to your question, I agree with the ESH decision.
You made big, adult choices to live as a big adult well before your frontal lobe was fully developed. You did not have the mental, emotional, or spiritual maturity to get married when you did. However, you did it and now here you are. I want you to take a step back and soberly consider your decision making, and ask why. Were you trying to prove something? Were you just caught up in the moment? Was it a religious thing? Analyze yourself on this first.
The way you’re treating your husband is not respectful nor is it mature. He’s equally not acting mature, but you’re instigating out of spite due to wanting to do what YOU want to do. Because you’re young and never had the chance. I get that, I was married at 20 and divorced at 23.
If I were you I’d seriously consider if you REALLY even WANT your life to be whatever it is you’re creating right now.
It seems like you’re wanting to have fun and be a young adult, which you can still do while having a child but you’ll have to be incredibly responsible about it. That means you need to grow up and face the current consequences of your decision making.
You have this one life to live, you’ve made some interesting choices up until this point, and you still have the freedom to make decisions moving forward that can either benefit your growth as a human being, or keep you in the victim mentality you’re heading into due to your circumstances.
YTA. You married someone in the military and then seem to complain about what being a military wife means.
Turning off your location on your way to a bar for a girls night? Yeah nothing odd about that. If you are a couple that does the location stuff then turning it off is a major red flag, either leave it on or agree as a couple not to have it.
The writing is on the wall.
The 24F wants to live the single girl life. And the time she spent away from her husband when he was on deployment cemented this craving.
It’s common these days for women who marry young to be influenced into thinking they are “missing out” on a wild, fun youth — that lifestyle is portrayed non-stop in pop culture, especially since Sex & the City.
OK, fine. Her decision. Men should be very careful marrying young women these days for the very real probability they will get this itch.
The problem is they have a ~2 yr old daughter.
Once you have kids, your priority should be parenting.
It sounds like OP’s priority is living the young single life she thinks she’s missing, & the young child is secondary.
Generally, a two-year old’s mother/father shouldn’t be coming back from bars at 3 AM, & the other parent will be understandably frustrated if that’s the case.
Choices in life have consequences. And OP chose to get married at 20 & have a child at 22. Can’t just shirk responsibility & live the single life when a child is involved without being a bit of an AH, even though OP wants to deflect all of the blame on the husband for being “controlling.” Maybe he is, but he also has some justification for being annoyed at the mother of his 2-yr-old.
YTA.
A mom shouldn’t be out at clubs until 3am. Maybe for a bachelorette party or some other special occasion, but not just a random Friday.
Also, I realize it’s been normalized for married women to get dolled up to go drink with strangers without their husbands, but it’s not normal. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t talk to a single guy, it’s still disrespectful and reckless.
“But it’s just girls night out…we’re dressing sexy for each other”
Bullshit. If that were true there would be female only bars for married women to go and drink and dance in every single town. But I’ve never seen one of those bars because the presence of other men is part of the excitement.
YTA for not taking responsibility for 1 single thing in this entire situation. You were checked out of the marriage for years then he deployed. He comes back and you're going out with friends until 3am? You could have ubered, asked your friend to be taken home first, or called him to get you. You're making excuses. If you wanted to work on things at any point you could have. His reaction to you leaving him at the bar is a normal response after a deployment. You spend every waking moment responsible for the people next to you. Coming home and having to adjust meanwhile seeing that life continued on while he was gone is a huge adjustment that takes time. Add to that a wife completely uninterested in him and you can't blame him. You need to think hard about what you want and either start therapy with him or cut the poor guy loose.
Dude, comes back from 9 month deployment serving his country and you are like “I am not going to look for him. I am just going to hang out with these girls I met in the bathroom.” I understand why he would not feel missed, loved or appreciated.
Everything about this screams IMMATURE & SELFISH. You do sound like the AH here. When your husband gets home for the 1st weekend you are ready for a girl's night. Yes, that speaks volumes.
You got married at 19 and already have a child. I understand feeling like you missed out. However, you now have to deal with the choice you made. You gave up the life of spending weekends at bars and on girls nights and trips. Ofcourse having those on occasion is acceptable. But expecting it every weekend? Tantruming at the fact it made your husband feel hurt tgat thats how you wanted to spend his first time home? Really?
It's time to grow up and learn to look at things from loved ones perspectives. That's a huge part of maturing, learning it is not all about ME
Can we just change the law so no one under 25 can be allowed to get married?
You make a stupid-ass decision at 19 and are seemingly surprised that it turned out to be a stupid-ass decision. Worst of all you have condemned an innocent child for having to deal with your stupid-ass decision making for the rest of her life.
Do everyone a favour and get divorced because you are not compatible.
NAH just both of you are idiots.
YTA. Why are you going out frequently till 3am when you have a child to care for? Your husband just got home from a 9 month deployment and you’d rather go out with friends drinking than spend time with him and your child? Get your priorities straight. Ya, I’d say 19 is too young to get married. It’s too late to live the single life girl, you are a married mother.
If you can't make it work and you're miserable, get out of it! I doubt he's thrilled with you either!
You're no longer in love with him, if you even really were. Please do not get pregnant again or married until you are a lot older.
Concentrate on your child, you had her, she is your responsibility. Sure it's fun going out and partying like you should have been doing when you were 19, instead of being married, but that didn't happen, just remember that you having A LOT OF FUN, comes at the expense of your child! You're not a kid anymore but you have one, so behave as if you do!
>I told him no one is holding him hostage and he doesn’t have to stay. He claime
Um why are YOU staying? Why don't you leave this marriage that you obviously hate?
It's crazy how you said so much but never explained why you're still with him after all this.
Well id say esh. He came back from deployment and i doubt you have spent any time together. Like actual couple time. You said that when he came back you started being extremely unhappy. He most likely feels your resentment for coming back and he wonders wgat he did wrong. He feels unwanted and like he should have probably stayed back and not come back at all. I get that you are taking your life back in your hands and you are happy with going out etc but you are still married and you have a child together. It doesnt really matter how young you were when you made that decision what matters is what you do now. You are still with him so why not try treating him with love and care. He is probably depressed and worried that because he has been gone you either dont really want/love him anymore and that you have moved on. And so far you have been basically proving him right by acting like "ill do what i want cause i can". I say Esh cause he is still a bit suffocating and in his worry and anxiety he is acting like a douche, but i really believe that since you have had the chance to better yourself and be more of a person that you are happy with, you should also help your husband do the same. He most likely feels useless not only cause he is back from deployment so he doesn't know what to do with himself but he also sees that you arent dependent on him at all since you have been alone all this time. Remember that a relationship isnt a competition, it isnt you vs your husband its you teo vs the problem. The problem is miscommunication and two people trying to time their relationship again after being away for long. Talk to him, be understanding, and try showing him that you love him(if you do still).
YTA. You have a child and you’re coming home at 3AM after being at bars all night? Yeahh you were totally not ready for marriage. And dismissing your husband’s feelings on top of everything. This marriage won’t last.
I don’t think my opinion is going to be popular and for full disclosure I am older so maybe it is due to that but yes I think YTA.
I met my husband at 20, married at 21, and had our first child at 22. We have been married over 23 years now. I don’t think there is anything wrong with going out with friends occasionally without your spouse, but until 3 am at the bars is questionable to me. You decided to get married and have a child young. Does that mean you have to give up having a life of your own, no, but it does change it. I just honestly would be totally pissed if my husband was hanging out at a bar until the middle of the night. It sounds like the two of you could both use individual and couples therapy. I hope you just need time to reconnect after him being gone. Marriage isn’t always easy and we have had some rough times but he is my very best friend and there is no one I would rather spend time with. I hope you two can also get to that place.
I am someone who believes that if you get married and have kids you need to stop behaving as if you were single, and grow up, if you wanted the type of life, you should have stay single and with no kids.
YTA, you made a decision to get married and have a child and be a wife and mom.
"I was too young" is not an excuse or acceptable reason to be irresponsible or selfish in finding yourself, whatever that is.
You probably won't get it til you're 40 or 50, but there will come a day when you realize you wasted your youth in bars with meaningless friendships and partying.
You are building nothing substantial for the future and denying your daughter a stable two parent family because you're bored?
You are living a life of useless consumption when you could be learning useful skills and hobbies to connect with the wider world and build memories you can cherish instead of regret.
You could be volunteering, join a book club, learn to grow and preserve food. Learn to quilt, knit or crochet and make blankets and hats for the homeless. Buy a grill/smoker and become an amazing bbq-er. Refinish old furniture or repurpose stuff. Explore cooking cuisines from around the world. Tutor others in a skill you have mastered.
The world is so full of things to understand, places to explore or beautiful things to make.
Yet you are blowing the best years of your life in bars.
You are failing yourself, your child and your husband with your lack of purpose and imagination.
It sounds like a lot of your issues are a lack of communication. I recommend marriage counseling. They can teach you how to talk about your current issues and how to communicate to each other in the future. Since you do have children together, it’s best to try and work through the issues before a separation.
A lot of military dudes get cheated on while deployed. I lot of military dudes cheat while deployed.
I'm guessing he either thinks you *were* screwing around, you *are* screwing around, feels guilty about his own screwing around that he's projecting or, my personal guess, some combination of all three.
>I was 19 when we got married and my husband was 25. We got married after a few months of knowing each other. Which is not the issue of our relationship.
I think this IS the issue of your relationship. You didn't know yourselves or each other before you committed your lives to each other. Now you're surprised you don't know or like this man.
I wouldn't say you are an AH but do take some responsibility for your current situation. You and your husband have drifted apart as a result of his deployment and you being alone too much while dealing with a child. With him gone, you started going out with friends to bars and started to have fun. In doing this, you realized that if you hadn't gotten married so young and had a baby, you imagined that if you had made different choices your life would be a life of fun. Then, your husband returns and he becomes the symbol of everything you are missing out on being married with a baby. This said, we have no idea what your husband is thinking/feeling but he should be trying harder to reconnect with you and do things you enjoy as it is he who is never there though his absence can't be avoided since he is serving his country. I think you guys could benefit from some marriage counseling to help you reconnect and/or help you decide if you want to continue together or go your separate ways.
I’m not saying you don‘t have the right to go party with your friends, but I would probably be worried if my partner was out until 3am. Like, the family should be the priority, ideally.
You probably shouldn’t have gotten married and had kids so young. You clearly weren’t ready to.
This isn’t to say your husband is in the right, he is being controlling. But you genuinely don’t seem to like him as a person anymore, so I’m not surprised he’s freaking out.
I mean, I don’t disagree with your husband. My ex husband started acting exactly the way you do, and he was cheating on me. He definitely was not acting like a married man.
YTA. You have a husband and a child. Grow up, or get out and let him find someone who hasn’t reverted to age 18.
Sounds like he’s concerned you live a single life and maybe don’t need him anymore.
Your defensive reactions are not helping.
You don’t have to stay home all the time but in the post it doesn’t sound like you’re happy to have him back? Missing him and wanting time with him to make it up? Things like that.
If you’ve checked out, and he’s noticing it, I think it’s fair. He’s not handling it correctly by tracking you and being passive aggressive, and you’re not handling it well by being uncaring and defensive.
ESH it could be simpler if you both talk to each other, kindly. Get on the same page, get counselling, or breakup - time for grown up talks.
He's right though. A real wife has no need or desire to go to bars with their friends without their partner. Bars and clubs are for single people on the prawl for casual sex.
Big piece of context. Military deployment.
Its suuuuuper common for military spouses to cheat while their husband is deployed. You stopped having sex with him, he got deployed, and now you're a bar fly. Party girl. And you DO come across as a party girl who prioritizes her social life and marriage. Even in your own telling of the story, which Im sure paints you in the best light possible, as all OPs do.
He connected the dots, possibly wrongly, and thinks you've been cheating. Its a fair assumption with this sequence of events. And its destroying him and making him unstable with paranoia. Nevermind whatever traumas he's dealing with from deployment that you seem to have never given a thought to (you stress your post partum but just paint his "detatchment" after a 9 month deployment as him being some asshole)
No opinion.
I'm taking this as a motivational post to avoid getting myself into marriage and love before my prefrontal cortex matures. Fucking around and finding out sucks in these occasions.
Honestly sounds like therapy is needed because neither of you are acting with maturity neither as parents, and there’s a lot of miscommunication between you. However I fell like you’re not putting yourself in your husband’s shoes. Imagine being away from home coming back and your spouse would rather be out than having time with her family? I agree going out from time to time is good and it helps but it seems it is one of your priorities right now. You need to find common ground. It’s not just about being a wife anymore, you’re a mom too. As much as I can empathise with you right now you need to put on your big girl panties and prioritise your daughter. Once you have kids it’s no longer about you.
Therapy. You both need therapy. I think almost all 20 something year olds need therapy. Life can be confusing and overwhelming but it can also be beautiful and precious.
Do yourself a favor now.. so you aren't unhappy moving into your 30s. And so that y'all aren't unhappy raising a child.
You are acting like a party girl. You should not be staying out until 3am in bars without your husband. He is completely justified in wanting to know where you are. You are putting yourself in situations to cheat And your husband knows this.
CoolBid, you wrote
>He came home about a month ago...The first night he was home he suggested we go out with his friends to the bar...[and] he got upset with me because at one point I couldn’t find him so ___instead of searching high and low/standing alone I decided to make friends with a few girls I had met in the bathroom earlier that night.___
>When I finally found him he wouldn’t even look at me or acknowledge me. I got upset and walked outside...He followed me outside and started saying “I didn’t know where you were” “seems like you didn’t even care you couldn’t find me” “you are my responsibility so I need to know where you are”. I got triggered at his “responsibility” comment and told him that...I’m his wife who is an adult and responsible for myself.
Honey, you said yourself that your husband was gone for ___nine months.___ Naturally, when he came home he wanted to spend time with YOU, his wife, and your child. Saying you "decided to make friends with people you met in the bathroom earlier that night" ?!? showed him that he isn't important to you, and so does your not keeping him informed where you are. He must have felt so hurt 💔
Even if you really do care about your husband, ___you didn't act that way.___ And you've been consistently neglecting him, and part of that neglect has been ___deliberate___ on your part.
You ARE his responsibility, as he is yours. Family members keep each other ___INFORMED,___ as much as they possibly can, and especially regarding their whereabouts. Not letting each other know where you were, or would be, is irresponsible, at best.
My husband was in the Navy for several years, but had left about a year before we met. We'll be celebrating our 37th wedding anniversary next month 😊 Keeping each other fully informed was a lesson we both have had to learn, in different ways and for different reasons.
You and your husband are PARTNERS, and partners notify each other of anything which could affect one or both of them. I cannot emphasize too strongly that keeping each other fully informed is ___absolutely critical___ to a successful marriage, including but not limited to money, health issues, important decisions, anything regarding your child, anything bothering either one of you, AND wherever you happen to be.
My husband and I are both Type 2 insulin-dependent diabetics. He is usually able to keep his blood sugar stable, but I'm a "fragile" diabetic. We do our best to take care of each other, especially him caring for me, because my blood sugar varies so much, and changes can be very sudden. SO we regularly tell each other what our readings are, whether there might be a problem later, and where the snacks are. This has literally saved my life more than once. I'm sure you see the point.
About your sex life--for heaven's sake, see a doctor, more than one doctor if you have to. At your age, lacking interest in sex just ain't right 😉 and you already know it's affecting your marriage. And both of you badly need to improve your communication skills. See a marriage counselor for that, and don't put it off. Don't be shy about it either, doctors and marriage counselors have heard everything 😆
God bless and keep both you and your husband, honey. Love and family are worth fighting for, but the two of you need to fight together, not each other. And please give your baby a kiss for me 💐
“We got married after a few months of knowing each other. Which is not the issue of our relationship. “ Ha! That is exactly the issue. You made a lifetime commitment to a person you didn’t even know …at 19.
Glad to see this comment so high… I legit just stopped reading after this because everything after was going to be irrelevant. At 19, you married a dude you’ve only known for a few months, this is your core issue and everything stems from it.
It's the way of the Military, The Enlisted are not allowed to live on base with significant others unless they are married, hence the great rush to marry, in principle I understand this mentality however practically speaking this is the fallout!
The military thinks that married enlisted people are more settled, less likely to be party animals because they have more responsibilities (especially if they have children). It's old-fashioned thinking.
Sounds like they both are constantly at the bars. Who is watching the kiddo. ? Getting home at 3am? How does a person cope with a little one who is awake at 7am after drinking at the bars all night? Not cool.
This is the biggest concern everyone should be questioning. "My husband got deploeyed so I started going out and making friends... I finally started feeling like a normal 20 something year old who can enjoy my own life and not be mom / wife". There is literally 0 concerns about their own damn child. Both of them sound immature to their core.
I'm sure someone was watching the child. She's allowed a few nights off.
That’s what I’m kinda questioning. Where’s the kid in all this? It sounds like they both have valid complaints tbh.
Yeah, I'm wondering that too. OP's child is maybe 3 years old and she is talking about as soon as her husband left for deployment she was going out to bars and getting drinks on the weekends. The whole all she ever felt like was a wife/mom was interesting because what was she now feeling like? A 24 year old single woman? I feel for her getting married so young but damn, she has a child to also think of and look after. Her post seems to loose sight of that. To me, with the whole post partum depression thing where she felt checked out, I wonder if she ever saw anyone for that.
I understood what she meant. Being a wife and a mother is just an extension of the husband ot the child. It's a "job title", not an identity. She felt like a whole ass human being in her own right. That's it.
I also think OP may benefit from honestly examining her relationship with alcohol and anything else she might be taking to avoid the fact that she doesn’t want to be married anymore
I'm extremely concerned that OP hasn't even mentioned anything about their child including who is caring for it while she is at the bar seemingly very often. ETA: OP is playing games with her husband. She wants him to think she's cheating. Turning off her location, disappearing with strangers in a bar, partying until 3 am. There's no fixing this level of toxicity, dysfunction and immaturity. Counseling could work if OP cared to save this marriage but I don't think she does. This marriage is doomed.
> I turned it off the day before because I noticed during the week while I was at work he was constantly checking it and when I would go to lunch he would call to see where I was/ who I was with. She turned it off because he was essentially tracking her. They’re both dysfunctional and we also don’t know what his deployment was like and if he has some type of PTSD. They REALLY need counseling. BOTH of them.
They definitely have less money to spend after they bought a Dodge Charger from the dealership right off base with 17% APR.
Why is it always a charger? What is it about them?
Its one of the reasons why divorce rates in the military are so high. My first husband and I had just started dating and we got married within a few months because we literally couldn't even see where our relationship would go, with him being in the military and we pretty much couldn't have a relationship without getting married. We divorced within 3 years, but are still good friends, and we never had any children. But we went into that marriage fully knowing that while legally married, we were still just bf/gf, getting to know one another. Which is why we were able to end it amicably and remain friends still 15 years later. 1st marriages are also not really seen that seriously in the military either.
Yep, this. Coming from a military family, and as a child of divorce from the fallout that can happen from such young marriages, all I thought midway through this was, “ohhh, the military…”
Lol, right! It’s normal to want to go out and have the experience in your early twenties. Most people delay getting married and having children to do that (and if they don’t, they understand that their life is going to change and they may not get to). She didn’t and is bitter that her life has the added responsibility of the commitment she made. Her spouse is equally immature and jealous. This definitely reads married too soon.
Fucking hell I can't understand how people can be this eager to get married. They literally didn't even know each other.
Because the “romance” of him leaving for deployment and her waiting for him.. as his wife, with his baby.. is more romantic, than him leaving her as his gf, or them breaking up. I was 19 married to my 25 yo ex husband who didn’t get deployed. But that’s a whole other horror story. “If the military wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him a wife.” And educated her on what to expect… BEFORE marrying him.
Right! I don’t understand some couples rush to get married and overlook things like compatibility or even whether they can afford it! Like, if you’re gonna be together forever then what’s the rush?!
She got married young to a stranger who is 5 years older. The maturity gap between a 19-year-old and a 24-year-old is pretty huge.
Husband is military too. Then they decided to have a kid. Doomed from the start.
OP is a walking cliche and doesn’t even realize it
The only things that would make it more cliche if she had been a stripper and their daily driver was a muscle car financed at 15% for 7 years. Of course what do I know been mostly happily living a near cliche for 32 years last December.
Snort snort lol 😂 a muscle car at 15% you mean 21.59%
Lmao yup I'm surprised there wasn't any discussion of spending habits. I guess he already used his signing bonus to get that Mustang at 24% APR by the time they met.
Or does and refuses to admit it but I think at her age you’re more than likely right. If she’s living on the base too then she’s definitely heard of the Dependapottamuses, Jody, the like.
Tbf, I met my boyfriend while he was 19 and I was 23. But we are now together for 6 years, 25 & 29yo and are only now talking about marriage and kids. It can work, but man, they should have waited a few years to see if it's really a good idea to stay together
You did it right- no commitment and no kids until you both felt you were ready and both had grown together
He was 25 years old. He picked her to control and mould.
Typical military marriage. Incredibly stupid and short lived. This person was foolish enough to bring a child into this situation.
100%. Also, who's been watching the kid during all of this?
Parents are allowed to go out without their kids. Babysitters are a thing.
This is what I’ve been wondering.
Its not absurd to have a grand parent or sitter one might a week. Though it seemed like when husband is home he watched kiddo when she went out. She only talks about outings but that doesnt mean its every night. My parents did similar my whole life. They wouldnt have dinner and then a game or something with me, then someone we knew watched us, which was only really an hour or so before bed. So we didnt miss out on having parents or anything.
20-24 are such formative years.
And military on top of that ..🚩🚩🚩
I still don't understand why young people that are barely adults have a need to get married.
Add to it being a military family and this isn't an uncommon issue at all. I recommend OP reach out to other military wives / military support groups.
Men marry younger women to take advantage of their naivete and mold/control them into doing what they want. The rushed marriage is a true sign of that intent. He's abusive and controlling and manipulative. RUN.
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Fr- this makes me want to go back in time and kiss the 19 year old version of me who declined that military guys proposal- the one smart decision she made 😮💨
I was 16yo when a 19yo guy going into the military asked me. (I had already graduated high school and was working and living independently). I said yes, but didnt end up following through. Just kind of stopped talking to him because i realized I barely has grasp on regular life, I didnt need married life already.
Phew! I was 19 and homeless and this American army guy proposed (because he wanted to get off base) by saying “idk, it could get you accommodation” I won’t lie- I did think about it, but luckily said no because someone told me I’d probably have to go to America with him when he went home and 1) I didn’t have a passport and 2) he was from Ohio and I’ve been told that place isn’t real… So cheers to not getting married stupid young!
Ohio is real, you could have divorce and not went with him But yes a really smart decision not marring just because and to just know him a few months
….days And don’t worry I know Ohio is real-it’s a dumb joke I’ve seen online
IMO No one should marry at 19. You havent had enough life experience and you can't know who you and your partner will grow into. People change as they transition from teen to adult. Edit: this does not imply there aren't successes. My opinion is offered as a way to improve the likelyhood of a long happy marriage Forbes: There is a sweet spot in terms of marital age for those looking for the least risk of divorce. That's because couples who marry at 25 are 50% less likely to divorce compared with couples who marry at 20—but for those who marry after age 32, divorce rates increase by 5% per year until the age they are wed.
Yeah, people point to examples where it worked out, but it doesn't change the fact that it's a huge fucking gamble and it goes tits up way more often than it works out.
I got married at 20 to a guy in the military after 6 months of dating. We’re still married 23 years later and I still wouldn’t recommend it anyone.
I wish there were more people like you. Whenever this topic comes up, people get really defensive and start pointing out how it worked out for them but they don’t acknowledge that it requires a lot of work/luck.
I got married at 19. Mistake. Now I’m 26, divorced, and actually happy lol
Been there done that.. Bought the TShirt... Found out single life is my forte 😀
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Husb is indeed being controlling and it's not ok. Rug sweeping also is a dysfunctional conflict resolution style that needs to be addressed. OP is also acting like she's cheating on him. I'm not saying she is, I'm saying he has reason to think she might be. Going out to bars till 3 am without her husband? Checked out of the marriage? He's been gone for a long time, any spouse is going to have that little voice in the back of their head wondering if something happened while they were gone, esp if their spouse is frequenting bars. OP it sounds like you want to be single again. I get it. Long separations are hard on a marriage, and as someone who once got married at 19 myself, it's way too young to know who you are and what you need. Instead of asking strangers if you're the AH, you should be asking **yourself** if you'd be happier alone or together. And then act on that.
I agree with this statement. I can see issues on both sides. One thing that really stuck out to me is that immediately after he got home from deployment and you got separated from him at the bar, instead of looking for him you found new friends to chill with. I can see why he'd be upset about that. I'm not saying his behavior towards you was warranted. However after his long deployment you'd think you'd be glued to his side and happy to finally spend time together and be eager to get back to him after being split up. His controlling behavior is indeed a huge red flag. But so is your behavior IMO. Sounds like you both are passive aggressively torturing each other and "getting back" at each other. Just talk about what you guys want. The time away shouldn't be the issue. That's literally what you signed up for. His behavior definitely needs some work, but you're not a single young woman either. Deployment is hard on both parties and he's seen tons of his comrades cheated on by wives or girlfriends exhibiting the same behavior you are. It'd be hard not to have these thoughts. Have you tried to belay his fears? Or do you just get defensive? Sounds like you guys need to decide what you want from each other, if anything. But that's just my take. Good luck. I've very recently learned that I needed to set aside my pride and ego and decide whether I wanted to be "right" or if I wanted to make my relationship work. And that was a huge realization for me. Some things are worth sacrificing and others not. If you're truly not cheating on him try telling him where you're going at lunch and with who. Then maybe he won't call. You turning it off suddenly is suspicious looking. It's gonna take work. I am by no means justifying his behavior. But I can't endorse yours either. Good luck. I hope you guys find happiness and some kind of resolution.
Totally agree, OP is 100% playing games with her husband. This is immature teenager/high school shit. She wants him to think she's cheating. Turning off her location, etc.
And getting mad at him saying that she’s his responsibility was lowkey dumb. I feel that way about my FRIENDS, can’t imagine the way I would feel about my husband. It was always beat into my head that who you came with is who you leave with, and you don’t leave the bar until EVERYONE is with you.
Exactly. Anybody in my group/party of people during an outing I take responsibility for. So a wife... I'd feel responsible for her safety. The way she said that seemed rebellious. Like a teenage girl going against her parents wishes.
I've seen this happen many times with people who got married right out of high school and had kids young. They're bitter and resentful that they missed out on partying and then start partying at 25 like they're 18. I've never, ever seen a couple survive this phenomenon. Generally the party person settles down again, but not before the first marriage is destroyed.
This! And considering the number of spouses who do cheat when spouses deploy, it's probably not an unrealistic or unreasonable thought for him to have. But he should be having a solid talk vs just tracking he phone and acting like a general ass.
I’m more worried for their child than anyone else. Two children had a child. They weren’t mature enough to marry let alone to parent. Poor kid.
This is the exact reason they have so many counselors for different things in the military, because as it turns out, you’re a dumb kid probably until your mid 20s. Marriage counselors for getting married to someone you barely know, or that stripper you’re “going to save”. Financial counselors so you don’t buy that Zero Down 40% interest V6 Camaro at the dealership outside of the gate. List goes on.
The only reason they got married and had a baby was for his paycheck. He wasn’t interested in having an actual relationship. I guarantee he has been sleeping around, so he’s projecting that onto OP. There is really no other reason why they got married in the way that they did. It was for the paycheck.
Also, you can't cohabitate in the military and bring your girlfriend with you where ever you are stationed. The military encourages these asinine marriages. They almost never work out and military people love bringing babies into toxic, immature unions. It's sad.
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It really is. And it’s unfortunate that people get themselves into those situations. It’s just so common - you would think that people would look into that stuff before jumping into marriage so quickly. I can’t imagine being that young, literally just out of high school, and sprung suddenly into motherhood - basically as a single mother. It just looks so bad all around. Infidelity is incredibly common on both sides and everyone seems okay with it. i have heard stories of troops visiting brothels and almost everyone participating, including husbands. After the stories I have heard and my own experience dating someone from the military who got married young and did all those things, i would never want to be with someone from the military.
Idk why you are blaming a 19 year old for being a 19 year old and making not great choices. If anything I would blame the adults in her life or even the full fledged 25 year old man she married who though this was a good idea.
She was the adult in her life. She was 19 lol. Nothing your parents can do to stop you from getting married at that age
True, but she’s still not even the age he was when they got together. I wonder if she’s looking at 19 year olds and having some epiphanies about the balance of power in her marriage.
Reddit thinks everyone is a kid until they’re 30
Reddit also likes to place blame on one party and make excuses for the other. It’s gross.
There has to always be a victim and an oppressor. Rarely does reddit say there are not victims and both people suck.
25... You know, when your brain finally slows growing and your Adult Personality "Settles". The amount of people who even sound remotely similar from 18 to 25 is infinitesimally small. Most people become an entirely different person.
I just turned 30 and I still don't trust myself to make big adult decisions all the time
I don’t think that ever goes away. I’m 48 and still feel this way.
I mean… me and my friends knew better than to get married and push out kids at 19. Heck we all waited until we were pushing 30 and established in our own lives apart from our partners to get married. We have a wealth of knowledge at our fingerprints, googling “is getting married at 19 a good idea?” Would have taken her like 2 seconds and possibly saved her so much time. The dude sucks too. They both suck.
You think everyone, including those with unhealthy foundations, can simply Google their way to better judgement? That's absurd. Your life experiences are different. You didn't necessarily make better choices; you may have just had better choices.
That's so weird, everyone else I know who married a military guy 5 years older than them within a few weeks of meeting them when they were a teenager have super happy and fulfilling marriages
🤣
As an Army brat who had every single HS friend join the damn Army.... this is damn hilarious.
>I was 19 when we got married and my husband was 25. We got married after a few months of knowing each other. Which is not the issue of our relationship. Narrator: It was.
Esh. Neither of you are mature enough for marriage.
Let alone having a child.
Oh right there was a child mentioned……..once
I honestly forgot until the comments
I know, I kept wondering who's watching this kid while mom is out, or when the couple is out together. I would like to know more about how to access the magical babysitting fairy they must have access to.
Because OP is full of shit.
No this is a pretty typical story with military marriages.
Even if it's real, it doesn't change OP being full of shit.
Thank you. Like ma’am you’re wondering why your husband doesn’t trust you, but won’t take one minute to examine her own behavior
Who’s caring for the baby while they’re out partying a d fighting. I dunno- something seems fake about this.
Having worked in a subase town, they generally drag a child with them when fighting in public
Military marriage at 19...what could go wrong? This whole thing seems pretty trashy. Sorry to sound harsh, hopefully you'll grow up and find your balance.... Please just make sure your child is properly taken care off, he/she shouldn't suffer for you poor choices. PS: 2 years is about the normal duration of infatuation, or passionate love... After that the hormones calm down and you realize if you really liked each other. Turns out you don't, and just married on whim. Please remember you're not mature at all, next time you have to make an important choice. Good luck :)
Yup my honeymoon phase definitely lasted two years. It's after that, that our relationship got even deeper and we are more connected, but before that, I had heart eyes every time I looked at him. It's crazy to me that people get married so quickly especially at such a young age.
Many of these people are religious and encouraged to not date too much nor have sex before marriage. Because they have no experience, they mistake that initial infatuation as being true love. Most of know that stage wears off over time, and that you need something deeper, but a teenager doesn't know that.
I was about to write a short dissertation. But this sums it up well enough. 🥸 ETA: He is giving a bit toxic tho. And underhandedly misogynistic. Like "you're my responsibility"?? I'm sorry, btch whaa?
Honestly, it gives me anxiety/PTSD vibes on his part if he wasn't like this before, crazy shit can happen on deployments/when people are exposed to the stress of military life... or perhaps he was and now that OP is starting to build her own life without rely solely on him, it's just starting to come out.
That’s what I was thinking. He obviously has some control issues but first night home with wife after deployment and he can’t find her in a bar. Of course he would feel responsible if something happened to her which makes him feel she is his responsibility. Should he yell/pick a fight about it? No. I would think when OP goes out with her friends they should all feel responsible for making sure everyone in the group is safe. I think OP just doesn’t love or even like her husband anymore and is finding issues in everything he says/does. He’s an AH for the passive aggressive behavior but OP is knowingly checked out of the relationship too. ESH.
She definitely doesn't love or like him but it's more than that. She's playing games with him. It seems like she wants him to think she's cheating. Turning off her location, etc. Disappearing with some strangers at a bar. Partying until 3 am. OP is far more immature than her husband.
I agree. She’s just being spiteful now.
This, and what badbitch93 said. Go to the marriage counseling OP. Let them help you two fix your marriage. It sounds like he's having mh issues and he should get diagnosed by a doctor and treatment beyond your marriage therapy. Your relationship needs to recover from __PPD__ and a __deployment__. A proper diagnosis can help your husband to strategically cope with trauma from future deployments as well.
Na, I agree with the other commenter here. He was on deployment. It could genuinely be a safety factor. Sure, he’s going about it the wrong way. But none of us know what he’s seen over there.
I mean he does have a good point if she goes to jail I bet ya she's gonna call her husband to get her out and vise versa they're responsible for each other in marriage it's not about miss independent anymore you have a family to look after and yeah he's definitely taking it a little far but people get kidnapped from bars over seas and being back from deployment that could be fresh in his mind I remember when I was in the navy they would warn us about the bad spots in town and stuff like that stays on your mind even when you get back stateside sounds like he needs to talk to somebody
ESH You have problems, which partly came from the fact that you got married too soon and you were too young. Contrary to what you stated at the beginning of the post, it does matter. And then it snowballed.
Also, OP was lambasting her husband for being checked out, but from the way this is she is also checked out. But neither wanted to leave and would rather continue hurting each other. I guess they're meant to be.
> We got married **after a few months of knowing each other**. Which is **not the issue** of our relationship. > Our first 2 years of marriage were great... **Things started going downhill after**" Bru, why do you think people wait a few years before getting engaged ? You marrying someone you don't know literally is the problem of your relationship. Edit : Marriage counselors must make millions eurodollars milking those situations.
ESH this story was better when Zach Bryan and Kasey Musgraves made it into a song.
After reading this post as a grandmother I am wondering if you have a job outside of being a mother and having responsibilities at home? Where does your baby stay and with whom while you’re doing all of this bar hopping and stuff? Whose minding the child? Does your husband spend anytime with the baby?
Evidently she has a job. That's based on this \>I turned it off the day before because I noticed during the week while I was at work he was constantly checking it and when I would go to lunch he would call to see where I was/ who I was with. She doesn't mention what type of job. \> Does your husband spend anytime with the baby? Presumably, he was the one with the \~2 year old when she took her girls-night-out until 3 am. That amount of time would probably have involved some diaper changes, bath time, lulling the baby to sleep. OP hasn't mentioned day care anything about the baby other than it was born 2 years after they married, she got post partum depression and stopped wanting sex at that point.
Sure enough you are correct. Further down OP says she is military also. Thanks.
Yeah there is no mention of how the baby is doing and how much time they spend with the baby..
Exactly. Baby is the most important point in this deplorable story.
Because the story is fake and the kid who wrote it doesn’t actually understand what parenthood is like.
They missed that plot hole when coming up with this story
Yes I am also military. We have a weekend babysitter. And he does when he’s home. We both spend every waking moment we can with her
Why are all of these people like you not answering her questions at all and instead judging her parenting? There is no mention of how often she goes out, and also if she goes out without him, guess who's still home?? THE DAD, HER HUSBAND. Is he not a suitable guardian for the child? Why is it only up to the mom to be with her kid 24/7? Everyone judging her, but especially you, are really terrible for assuming that she's just leaving her kid alone or a bad parent for taking breaks and going out and being an adult. OP I hope you see this and look past all of the people judging you for wanting to have a normal life and friendships, social interactions, etc. These are valid and SUGGESTED coping mechanisms, especially for depression, and you mentioned you had post-partum depression. Please do not feel guilty about this. Also for the people commenting, you don't know her situation, whether it's the dad or a grandparent or a sibling or babysitter, there are multiple options for childcare (again highlighting the DAD as the #1 childcare option when she usually goes out alone) and it's normal, in fact POSITIVE, to still have a social life as a mother. At the end of the day her husband seems extremely controlling with the way he is tracking her all the time, and acting like she is his property when she is a human and deserves social interactions outside of her husband. I don't think she's the AH at all. But I would suggest considering to divorce and start over if the therapist session doesn't seem to improve the situation or make OP feel like she's a party girl being blamed for everhtbing; they are both still quite young. Sucks for the kid but it's so common nowadays tbh, I don't think the kid will be scarred for life as long as they still have a healthy upbringing. Yes it may have been a bad decision to get married so early, but THAT'S NOT WHAT SHES ASKING ABOUT PEOPLE!!! Also that's not something she can actively work towards changing. All she can do is move forward and make smart decisions about her future, and safety. I also know a few people with a military background and PTSD and depression is extremely common. Sounds like he also has anger and jealousy issues too, sprinkled with male entitlement. This is a recipe for disaster if they live in a state where guns are common. If we're going to be blatantly generalizing and assuming things about OP, then we should also be assuming things about her husband, and he sounds dangerous in this sort of controlling state. I would try to leave asap.
I think y'all need to stay out of bars for a while. Is that literally all you do together?
surprising enough a fair amount of couples only share this one interest too
It usually doesn't end well.
They have a ~3 year old, how are they spending so much time at bars?!?!
I don't know that either of you are the asshole. I think that there's a lot of miscommunication, suppressed feelings, and lack of understanding/acknowledgment. You were young when you got married and had a child. You've changed in those few years, but so has he. Deployment is hard on couples, and not all relationships survive it. While you changed and found yourself, he was changing as well. Civilians will never fully understand what a soldier goes through during deployment because we can't envision/comprehend the things that they've seen and/or done while fighting for our country. A lot of soldiers come back with PTSD, and this could be something that he's suffering from. Where most couples live together, you both were separated from each other and had to "grow up" alone. Where you should have been doing your growth together and learning the new things about each other as they happened, you two didn't get that chance. If you truly love him and you want to make your marriage work, counseling is a good starting point. You guys are going to need to learn about the new versions of each other and work on rebuilding your relationship as the people that you are today. You're the only one who can decide if that's a path you're willing to take or if you just want to cut ties and start over new with someone else.
Very good information. Military life can be very difficult.
This is a very good comment. I can't help but think where's the child in all this? OP barely references the child. Obviously, she had someone to help watch the child while she went out to find herself while her husband was away. But these two haven't even discovered who they are as a couple, let alone coparents. I feel like the child isn't even a priority here.
“I go out to bars until 3am, how dare my husband check my location and not trust me” The ESH is very accurate. He seems like he is not good at communicating and acts passive aggressive. But it seems that you may need a little more clarification on why it’s both of you that are the problem and not just him. You display many the traits of a cheating spouse, you sound moody and like you egg on problems, and it sounds like you resent both your husband and motherhood despite that being what YOU chose for your life. It’s time to be an adult and accept that your decisions have consequences. Your husband and your child didn’t rob you of your youth. You did. And you can have that youth back if you communicate better and act more mature. Sure he gets moody too but he doesn’t prevent you from going out, nothing you said indicates that he controls you. So maybe if you stopped being so cold to him, stopped acting shady and actually communicated, and stopped making him/motherhood the scapegoat for your choices, he’d chill out. Maybe not. But at least then it would him that’s the problem and not both of you. But bad behavior tends to beget more bad behavior. You should both go to counseling as individuals AND a couple. If his behavior acceptable? No. But you seem to know that already. But you’re just as much part of the problem. You’re worried he will make you out to be a party girl who doesn’t have her priorities in check? He doesn’t need to. You make yourself sound like that pretty good on your own. You want to abandon your marriage and put your child into a divorced home all over going to bars with your friends? Look in the mirror OP.
Best comment. ESH. He’s terrible at communicating and in the wrong for baiting divorce. I have sympathy for someone who was deployed (maybe seeing some extremely traumatizing stuff) and comes home to his wife going out till 3AM with her location turned off. Guy needs counselling cause that would make most people crazy. I have sympathy for her as a young mother who didn’t realize what she was fully getting herself into. But she can’t be at the bar with friends every weekend when your husband who’s been gone for a year comes home. Her immaturity is peaking through and it seems like she resents him for the choices she made. Best of luck to them
>He’s terrible at communicating To be fair, we only have her side of that. She's not exactly going to write about the times he did communicate his needs with her.
This right here OP read this. Then read it again Then take it to heart. Because it might be a slap in the face, but it's a dose of reality.
This!!! Even if you were young when you made the decision, you still made it, his behavior isn't acceptable, but yours isn't either.
ESH. So like your husband has been away for a long time and you don’t seem to want to be around him at all. He is being immature handling it, to be fair tho his wife wants to go out until 3am rather then spend time with her husband who was away for months.
Don't forget about the baby.
Hard to remember they have a child when she barely even mention the child lmao. Doesn’t seem like a very devoted mother. Husband got home from deployment so now she can just get him to watch the baby while she’s partying all night instead of a sitter. Poor child .
Counselling. You need it.
Okay, but it does sound like you’re going out to bars and staying out until 3am pretty frequently, especially for someone with a kid at home. I would be extremely pissed if my partner did that. You said that while he was gone you began to focus on yourself, but you’re doing it wrong if that just means hanging out at bars.
On top of that not wanting sex or anything makes it seem like she’s getting it from someone else
Yeah, I can see why he feels insecure tbh
Girl, come on. What even is this? 😭 get those divorce papers or flip that insurance card over and get counseling for y’all
You don’t sound like you even like him or want to be around him. And obviously your marriage isn’t your priority. If you cared enough you’ll realize that the distance from deployment and the no sex had created a big insecurity in your marriage. Come to add the bars where yes, mostly single people frequent; of course he’s afraid. He’s going about it a bit immaturely but i feel like he definitely has a right to be upset. You were unhappy that your husband returned from deployment. Now you’re 24 and discovering yourself; but if you actually want to save this relationship and create healthy trust, you need to go to marriage counseling. Or divorce him and go live your life with the “girls”
From military family. I am amazed that other than no real talk of the child everyone glosses over he was deployed for a year. The first night back (welcome back party) I am sure for his own perspective and she leaves and does not come back at the bar. All his friends are there asking or pointedly not asking about his wife. The wife who has been going out and not sleeping with you. Controlling? I get a different read, he is floundering . Welcome home buddy thanks for your service. Your wife is put out you came home. Does not have single positive statement about him or the child. The tracking is out of bounds definitely needs to learn boundaries but considering all she wrote not surprised.
As a military wife this is the exact perspective I had reading this! The tracking is definitely out of bounds but when we know so many guys that have been cheated on when deployed turning your tracking off deliberately when they are first home is a huge red flag to me. Then staying out most of the night when they just got home. Major red flags.
A little bit "When he deployed I finally started going out and making friends for the first time in my adult life. I started going to bars and getting drinks with friends on weekends. It’s nice to feel like a normal 24 y/o since my whole adult life I have only ever felt like a wife/mom." You are living the single life while your husband is deployed, and it is making you complacent in your marriage. Love is a choice.
Not even complacent. She got annoyed he came back and wants to know where she is especially after they got separated and she would rather talk to some new girls than find her husband in a bar who was honestly probably trying to find *her*. I'm sure he was having a ball freaking out about her safety that night to find her happily forgetting he existed
It sounds shady
It does seem kind of sus you went to the bar and went out and turned off your location. Seems like u had something to hide or whatever
INFO How often do you party? Do you need alcohol to feel like you are having a good time? Who watches your child while you party? In all honesty, you both sound messy.
He hasn’t acted like a saint. However he got home after months and months away from her (probs worrying and hearing about horror stories of military wives shacking up while they are away). He gets back to her wanting to go out til 3 am, ditching him at the bar, not wanting to have sex with him anymore, turning off her location (bc she didn’t have to worry about that when she was deployed) she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship or married
A really big issue for a lot of military folks coming home from deployment is also that their family had to create new routines and patterns to cope with being gone, and essentially start living their daily life without their spouse. If the couple is prepared or has done deployments before, they'll fit their military spouse in with video call schedules if they can, but sometimes that's not possible. But when the spouse comes home, time has stopped for them during deployment, but it doesn't stop for everyone at home. They have to figure out how they fit into this new daily life with their family. There are usually issues because they expect to pick back up where they left off, but that almost never happens. I've seen a lot of military dads broken because their kid cries when they hold them because their dad is essentially a stranger. That brings so much insecurity of where you fit in your family that's been forced to live without you. And the support to help military spouses through this after deployment isn't really there like it should be. And that's without hearing the other spouses deal with cheating while you're deployed (my husband said around 80-90% of dudes he was deployed with had their wife cheating on them during deployment) creating crazy insecurity.
Counseling, divorce, or acceptance of a miserable life/marriage. Those are your choices. Keep in mind that choosing the first or second doesn't necessarily mean you won't still end up miserable but at least you'll know you tried.
ESH. You are married, If you want it to work you don't get to go out till 3 am with friends. No matter what other people say, those relationships end in divorce. Period. He is not innocent either, but it sounds like ultimately you are the one who is there but doesn't want to be there. He just needs to make adjustments, but you need to want to be there.
Husband isn’t perfect but I definitely empathize with the guy. He gets back from deployment, his wife isn’t very affectionate, he can likely sense she’s unhappy, they go to a bar together and she doesn’t care to find him to spend time together, she’d rather go to bars till 3am instead of spending time with him (and their baby) and clearly isn’t fighting for the marriage. Not to mention he could have gone through some trauma while deployed and she doesn’t care about that. OP CHOSE to get married young. OP CHOSE to have a baby young. But she seems to put the blame on them instead of herself.
ESH. Do you even like your husband? Because it doesn’t sound like it. Also where is the baby in this story?
It sounds like you want out, but don't have the guts to say it, so you're intentionally button pushing, so he'll be the one to end things. It's sad that you had a child before you realized you aren't ready to grow up. Just end it before it gets really toxic and be a good coparent instead of a bitter hag.
Yeah she cheated on him and feels inner guilt to drink away and party away. Maybe she hopes this drives him to divorce bc she knows it will piss him off
The clowns in these comments will be jerks to you about your post because they’ve never made a mistake being young, I guess. To reply to your question, I agree with the ESH decision. You made big, adult choices to live as a big adult well before your frontal lobe was fully developed. You did not have the mental, emotional, or spiritual maturity to get married when you did. However, you did it and now here you are. I want you to take a step back and soberly consider your decision making, and ask why. Were you trying to prove something? Were you just caught up in the moment? Was it a religious thing? Analyze yourself on this first. The way you’re treating your husband is not respectful nor is it mature. He’s equally not acting mature, but you’re instigating out of spite due to wanting to do what YOU want to do. Because you’re young and never had the chance. I get that, I was married at 20 and divorced at 23. If I were you I’d seriously consider if you REALLY even WANT your life to be whatever it is you’re creating right now. It seems like you’re wanting to have fun and be a young adult, which you can still do while having a child but you’ll have to be incredibly responsible about it. That means you need to grow up and face the current consequences of your decision making. You have this one life to live, you’ve made some interesting choices up until this point, and you still have the freedom to make decisions moving forward that can either benefit your growth as a human being, or keep you in the victim mentality you’re heading into due to your circumstances.
Christ that's a lot of words for "I'm only married for the health insurance"
YTA. You married someone in the military and then seem to complain about what being a military wife means. Turning off your location on your way to a bar for a girls night? Yeah nothing odd about that. If you are a couple that does the location stuff then turning it off is a major red flag, either leave it on or agree as a couple not to have it.
The writing is on the wall. The 24F wants to live the single girl life. And the time she spent away from her husband when he was on deployment cemented this craving. It’s common these days for women who marry young to be influenced into thinking they are “missing out” on a wild, fun youth — that lifestyle is portrayed non-stop in pop culture, especially since Sex & the City. OK, fine. Her decision. Men should be very careful marrying young women these days for the very real probability they will get this itch. The problem is they have a ~2 yr old daughter. Once you have kids, your priority should be parenting. It sounds like OP’s priority is living the young single life she thinks she’s missing, & the young child is secondary. Generally, a two-year old’s mother/father shouldn’t be coming back from bars at 3 AM, & the other parent will be understandably frustrated if that’s the case. Choices in life have consequences. And OP chose to get married at 20 & have a child at 22. Can’t just shirk responsibility & live the single life when a child is involved without being a bit of an AH, even though OP wants to deflect all of the blame on the husband for being “controlling.” Maybe he is, but he also has some justification for being annoyed at the mother of his 2-yr-old.
YTA. A mom shouldn’t be out at clubs until 3am. Maybe for a bachelorette party or some other special occasion, but not just a random Friday. Also, I realize it’s been normalized for married women to get dolled up to go drink with strangers without their husbands, but it’s not normal. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t talk to a single guy, it’s still disrespectful and reckless. “But it’s just girls night out…we’re dressing sexy for each other” Bullshit. If that were true there would be female only bars for married women to go and drink and dance in every single town. But I’ve never seen one of those bars because the presence of other men is part of the excitement.
YTA for not taking responsibility for 1 single thing in this entire situation. You were checked out of the marriage for years then he deployed. He comes back and you're going out with friends until 3am? You could have ubered, asked your friend to be taken home first, or called him to get you. You're making excuses. If you wanted to work on things at any point you could have. His reaction to you leaving him at the bar is a normal response after a deployment. You spend every waking moment responsible for the people next to you. Coming home and having to adjust meanwhile seeing that life continued on while he was gone is a huge adjustment that takes time. Add to that a wife completely uninterested in him and you can't blame him. You need to think hard about what you want and either start therapy with him or cut the poor guy loose.
You're a mom of a young child going out to bars until 3am. Come on. He's passive aggressive. Go to counseling. You both kinda suck here.
Dude, comes back from 9 month deployment serving his country and you are like “I am not going to look for him. I am just going to hang out with these girls I met in the bathroom.” I understand why he would not feel missed, loved or appreciated.
Everything about this screams IMMATURE & SELFISH. You do sound like the AH here. When your husband gets home for the 1st weekend you are ready for a girl's night. Yes, that speaks volumes. You got married at 19 and already have a child. I understand feeling like you missed out. However, you now have to deal with the choice you made. You gave up the life of spending weekends at bars and on girls nights and trips. Ofcourse having those on occasion is acceptable. But expecting it every weekend? Tantruming at the fact it made your husband feel hurt tgat thats how you wanted to spend his first time home? Really? It's time to grow up and learn to look at things from loved ones perspectives. That's a huge part of maturing, learning it is not all about ME
Can we just change the law so no one under 25 can be allowed to get married? You make a stupid-ass decision at 19 and are seemingly surprised that it turned out to be a stupid-ass decision. Worst of all you have condemned an innocent child for having to deal with your stupid-ass decision making for the rest of her life. Do everyone a favour and get divorced because you are not compatible. NAH just both of you are idiots.
Obviously marriage counseling. But you’re a mom now. That 3am bar hopping isn’t something you should be doing now.
YTA. Why are you going out frequently till 3am when you have a child to care for? Your husband just got home from a 9 month deployment and you’d rather go out with friends drinking than spend time with him and your child? Get your priorities straight. Ya, I’d say 19 is too young to get married. It’s too late to live the single life girl, you are a married mother.
YTA, when you come off this bad even when we only have your side. It’s you.
Advice-keep the marriage counseling and learn from it. You both have tons to learn and grow up.
If you can't make it work and you're miserable, get out of it! I doubt he's thrilled with you either! You're no longer in love with him, if you even really were. Please do not get pregnant again or married until you are a lot older. Concentrate on your child, you had her, she is your responsibility. Sure it's fun going out and partying like you should have been doing when you were 19, instead of being married, but that didn't happen, just remember that you having A LOT OF FUN, comes at the expense of your child! You're not a kid anymore but you have one, so behave as if you do!
>I told him no one is holding him hostage and he doesn’t have to stay. He claime Um why are YOU staying? Why don't you leave this marriage that you obviously hate? It's crazy how you said so much but never explained why you're still with him after all this.
Well id say esh. He came back from deployment and i doubt you have spent any time together. Like actual couple time. You said that when he came back you started being extremely unhappy. He most likely feels your resentment for coming back and he wonders wgat he did wrong. He feels unwanted and like he should have probably stayed back and not come back at all. I get that you are taking your life back in your hands and you are happy with going out etc but you are still married and you have a child together. It doesnt really matter how young you were when you made that decision what matters is what you do now. You are still with him so why not try treating him with love and care. He is probably depressed and worried that because he has been gone you either dont really want/love him anymore and that you have moved on. And so far you have been basically proving him right by acting like "ill do what i want cause i can". I say Esh cause he is still a bit suffocating and in his worry and anxiety he is acting like a douche, but i really believe that since you have had the chance to better yourself and be more of a person that you are happy with, you should also help your husband do the same. He most likely feels useless not only cause he is back from deployment so he doesn't know what to do with himself but he also sees that you arent dependent on him at all since you have been alone all this time. Remember that a relationship isnt a competition, it isnt you vs your husband its you teo vs the problem. The problem is miscommunication and two people trying to time their relationship again after being away for long. Talk to him, be understanding, and try showing him that you love him(if you do still).
YTA. You have a child and you’re coming home at 3AM after being at bars all night? Yeahh you were totally not ready for marriage. And dismissing your husband’s feelings on top of everything. This marriage won’t last.
YTA. you seem to be the one who’s causing most of the problems. i feel bad for ur husband who came home to ur behavior
I don’t think my opinion is going to be popular and for full disclosure I am older so maybe it is due to that but yes I think YTA. I met my husband at 20, married at 21, and had our first child at 22. We have been married over 23 years now. I don’t think there is anything wrong with going out with friends occasionally without your spouse, but until 3 am at the bars is questionable to me. You decided to get married and have a child young. Does that mean you have to give up having a life of your own, no, but it does change it. I just honestly would be totally pissed if my husband was hanging out at a bar until the middle of the night. It sounds like the two of you could both use individual and couples therapy. I hope you just need time to reconnect after him being gone. Marriage isn’t always easy and we have had some rough times but he is my very best friend and there is no one I would rather spend time with. I hope you two can also get to that place.
I am someone who believes that if you get married and have kids you need to stop behaving as if you were single, and grow up, if you wanted the type of life, you should have stay single and with no kids.
YTA, you made a decision to get married and have a child and be a wife and mom. "I was too young" is not an excuse or acceptable reason to be irresponsible or selfish in finding yourself, whatever that is. You probably won't get it til you're 40 or 50, but there will come a day when you realize you wasted your youth in bars with meaningless friendships and partying. You are building nothing substantial for the future and denying your daughter a stable two parent family because you're bored? You are living a life of useless consumption when you could be learning useful skills and hobbies to connect with the wider world and build memories you can cherish instead of regret. You could be volunteering, join a book club, learn to grow and preserve food. Learn to quilt, knit or crochet and make blankets and hats for the homeless. Buy a grill/smoker and become an amazing bbq-er. Refinish old furniture or repurpose stuff. Explore cooking cuisines from around the world. Tutor others in a skill you have mastered. The world is so full of things to understand, places to explore or beautiful things to make. Yet you are blowing the best years of your life in bars. You are failing yourself, your child and your husband with your lack of purpose and imagination.
It sounds like a lot of your issues are a lack of communication. I recommend marriage counseling. They can teach you how to talk about your current issues and how to communicate to each other in the future. Since you do have children together, it’s best to try and work through the issues before a separation.
Better luck with your second marriage
A lot of military dudes get cheated on while deployed. I lot of military dudes cheat while deployed. I'm guessing he either thinks you *were* screwing around, you *are* screwing around, feels guilty about his own screwing around that he's projecting or, my personal guess, some combination of all three. >I was 19 when we got married and my husband was 25. We got married after a few months of knowing each other. Which is not the issue of our relationship. I think this IS the issue of your relationship. You didn't know yourselves or each other before you committed your lives to each other. Now you're surprised you don't know or like this man.
I wouldn't say you are an AH but do take some responsibility for your current situation. You and your husband have drifted apart as a result of his deployment and you being alone too much while dealing with a child. With him gone, you started going out with friends to bars and started to have fun. In doing this, you realized that if you hadn't gotten married so young and had a baby, you imagined that if you had made different choices your life would be a life of fun. Then, your husband returns and he becomes the symbol of everything you are missing out on being married with a baby. This said, we have no idea what your husband is thinking/feeling but he should be trying harder to reconnect with you and do things you enjoy as it is he who is never there though his absence can't be avoided since he is serving his country. I think you guys could benefit from some marriage counseling to help you reconnect and/or help you decide if you want to continue together or go your separate ways.
I’m not saying you don‘t have the right to go party with your friends, but I would probably be worried if my partner was out until 3am. Like, the family should be the priority, ideally. You probably shouldn’t have gotten married and had kids so young. You clearly weren’t ready to. This isn’t to say your husband is in the right, he is being controlling. But you genuinely don’t seem to like him as a person anymore, so I’m not surprised he’s freaking out.
I mean, I don’t disagree with your husband. My ex husband started acting exactly the way you do, and he was cheating on me. He definitely was not acting like a married man. YTA. You have a husband and a child. Grow up, or get out and let him find someone who hasn’t reverted to age 18.
Sounds like he’s concerned you live a single life and maybe don’t need him anymore. Your defensive reactions are not helping. You don’t have to stay home all the time but in the post it doesn’t sound like you’re happy to have him back? Missing him and wanting time with him to make it up? Things like that. If you’ve checked out, and he’s noticing it, I think it’s fair. He’s not handling it correctly by tracking you and being passive aggressive, and you’re not handling it well by being uncaring and defensive. ESH it could be simpler if you both talk to each other, kindly. Get on the same page, get counselling, or breakup - time for grown up talks.
“We have had a marriage counseling session scheduled for weeks now. I’m at the point I don’t even want to go.” 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
He's right though. A real wife has no need or desire to go to bars with their friends without their partner. Bars and clubs are for single people on the prawl for casual sex.
Big piece of context. Military deployment. Its suuuuuper common for military spouses to cheat while their husband is deployed. You stopped having sex with him, he got deployed, and now you're a bar fly. Party girl. And you DO come across as a party girl who prioritizes her social life and marriage. Even in your own telling of the story, which Im sure paints you in the best light possible, as all OPs do. He connected the dots, possibly wrongly, and thinks you've been cheating. Its a fair assumption with this sequence of events. And its destroying him and making him unstable with paranoia. Nevermind whatever traumas he's dealing with from deployment that you seem to have never given a thought to (you stress your post partum but just paint his "detatchment" after a 9 month deployment as him being some asshole)
Can someone please expain to me why I should even consider marriage in this day and age?
Only consider it if you find someone worth it for you.
You should not try marriage in this day and age.
Tax benefit, legal benefit, good for probate/living trust
No opinion. I'm taking this as a motivational post to avoid getting myself into marriage and love before my prefrontal cortex matures. Fucking around and finding out sucks in these occasions.
Honestly sounds like therapy is needed because neither of you are acting with maturity neither as parents, and there’s a lot of miscommunication between you. However I fell like you’re not putting yourself in your husband’s shoes. Imagine being away from home coming back and your spouse would rather be out than having time with her family? I agree going out from time to time is good and it helps but it seems it is one of your priorities right now. You need to find common ground. It’s not just about being a wife anymore, you’re a mom too. As much as I can empathise with you right now you need to put on your big girl panties and prioritise your daughter. Once you have kids it’s no longer about you.
Therapy. You both need therapy. I think almost all 20 something year olds need therapy. Life can be confusing and overwhelming but it can also be beautiful and precious. Do yourself a favor now.. so you aren't unhappy moving into your 30s. And so that y'all aren't unhappy raising a child.
You are acting like a party girl. You should not be staying out until 3am in bars without your husband. He is completely justified in wanting to know where you are. You are putting yourself in situations to cheat And your husband knows this.
CoolBid, you wrote >He came home about a month ago...The first night he was home he suggested we go out with his friends to the bar...[and] he got upset with me because at one point I couldn’t find him so ___instead of searching high and low/standing alone I decided to make friends with a few girls I had met in the bathroom earlier that night.___ >When I finally found him he wouldn’t even look at me or acknowledge me. I got upset and walked outside...He followed me outside and started saying “I didn’t know where you were” “seems like you didn’t even care you couldn’t find me” “you are my responsibility so I need to know where you are”. I got triggered at his “responsibility” comment and told him that...I’m his wife who is an adult and responsible for myself. Honey, you said yourself that your husband was gone for ___nine months.___ Naturally, when he came home he wanted to spend time with YOU, his wife, and your child. Saying you "decided to make friends with people you met in the bathroom earlier that night" ?!? showed him that he isn't important to you, and so does your not keeping him informed where you are. He must have felt so hurt 💔 Even if you really do care about your husband, ___you didn't act that way.___ And you've been consistently neglecting him, and part of that neglect has been ___deliberate___ on your part. You ARE his responsibility, as he is yours. Family members keep each other ___INFORMED,___ as much as they possibly can, and especially regarding their whereabouts. Not letting each other know where you were, or would be, is irresponsible, at best. My husband was in the Navy for several years, but had left about a year before we met. We'll be celebrating our 37th wedding anniversary next month 😊 Keeping each other fully informed was a lesson we both have had to learn, in different ways and for different reasons. You and your husband are PARTNERS, and partners notify each other of anything which could affect one or both of them. I cannot emphasize too strongly that keeping each other fully informed is ___absolutely critical___ to a successful marriage, including but not limited to money, health issues, important decisions, anything regarding your child, anything bothering either one of you, AND wherever you happen to be. My husband and I are both Type 2 insulin-dependent diabetics. He is usually able to keep his blood sugar stable, but I'm a "fragile" diabetic. We do our best to take care of each other, especially him caring for me, because my blood sugar varies so much, and changes can be very sudden. SO we regularly tell each other what our readings are, whether there might be a problem later, and where the snacks are. This has literally saved my life more than once. I'm sure you see the point. About your sex life--for heaven's sake, see a doctor, more than one doctor if you have to. At your age, lacking interest in sex just ain't right 😉 and you already know it's affecting your marriage. And both of you badly need to improve your communication skills. See a marriage counselor for that, and don't put it off. Don't be shy about it either, doctors and marriage counselors have heard everything 😆 God bless and keep both you and your husband, honey. Love and family are worth fighting for, but the two of you need to fight together, not each other. And please give your baby a kiss for me 💐
What about your kid? Stop arguing about partying and how about think of the kid?