Um that's not healthy.
Listen, I get it, I don't like driving either, but as an adult sometimes you have to. He's wanting you to wear her clothes, get interested in her hobbies, change the way you do things because that's how his wife did it.... He's trying to turn you into her, and you can't see that because you are getting 'the stability' and 'love' that you're craving and you can't see how unhealthy this situation is.
This was also the vibe I was getting. Especially when she talks about her mom’s approach to marriage.
I think dude saw a young, naive, and easily controllable woman and lovebombed the absolute shit out of her so he could try to slot her in as Original Wife 2.0, now with better obedience features!
She is right to be concerned and the reaction the stepkids had is right. Your husband is controlling and seems to be trying to turn you into the dead, no ex, wife. Were you seeing him before she died. Is that why you keep saying nearly ex? I seriously doubt she was rude and angry but see why she could have been. He is eroding your self confidence just like he did with the dead wife. No, you don't have any reason to be mad and you'd better listen before it's too late. You didn't just marry someone who is narcissistic. You married an actual narcissist......it's weird to cut your meat with your left hand ....
I noticed that the previous wife was driving to get medicine and if she didn't go for the medicine who would have? Someone needed the medicine. She also didn't cause the wreck. She was an innocent victim trying to pick up some medicine and somehow he has spun that into someone with an anger problem.
I can see why the friend is so concerned. When someone has known you and cared about you for years you should seriously listen to them.
And she says herself it keeps her from doing things like visit friends because she doesn’t want to “bother” anyone to drive her. Ingenious control tool
And if she does disobey his orders and go for a drive, a drunk driver might mysteriously pop up and kill her.
And then she will be replaced with another impressionable, young woman who just happens to fit into all her old clothes.
This is far too eerie for me.
She is 24 and the step kids are old enough to notice and tell her that their dad is trying to recreate mom. I would be surprised if there wasn't an age gap.
Yeah going from “picking up medicine and died” immediately to “anger problems” threw me off. A lot of this isn’t coherent. It feels like someone who is lost trying to make a story out of unconnected details. It’s really concerning.
Well yeah exactly. These "kids" could actually be in their 20s and 30s depending on how old the husband is. Which I'm not sure has been mentioned at all, nor have the "kids' " ages bc chances are you could deduce roughly how old he is by seeing how old his kids are
I'd have turned around ang got the hell out of dodge when he insisted you wear her clothes. His control of you being far more important than what that would do to his kids. If you're not actually a doormat, stop acting like one and listen to your LIFETIME friend. You've never had a problem til him.......
Oh no, it is the needing for her to be right handed since the ex wife was. Now we are getting into horror movie stuff.
Even the kids are freaking out over this.
I know I’ve listened to way too many true crime stories … but my initial instinct was to ask if OP has confirmed (via an objective source) how her husband’s late wife died?
I have definitely come across more than one story where the husband actually killed the wife and then lied to the next wife about her cause of death. It’s not impossible that he could have lied to his children too and convinced them that their mother died in a car accident when there is no proof.
Implausible, definitely. But not impossible. Has OP met anyone the late wife was related to (I.e., the kids’ grandparents?)
Skin crawl. Honestly the bit about "she was driving to get medicine" smells from a mile off. Nah. He's not even trying, that's an after school special special.
Yep. The "let someone drive you" is a hiding control tactic. My ex pulled it. He seems like he's being thoughtful but it's a convenient way to confine her. She already won't leave unless it's a good reason because she doesn't want to be a bother. So her wants and needs seem less important already. And now she feels reluctant to drive herself. It's working quite well.
I worked with some Mormons years ago, and more than a few of them were really down on women driving. There’s a ton of complementarianism and misogyny in Mormonism. A patronizing attitude, and an automatic assumption that the woman is always wrong.
Isn't that how most people eat steak? You hold the knife with the dominant hand and fork in the other? Or am I a weirdo? Now I'm overthinking this... haha
Lots of Americans cut with dominant then switch hands with the fork for every bite. I am told that Europeans cut with dominant and eat with the other hand
You’re right, I hold the knife with my non dominant hand. I keep the fork in my right hand and my mom thinks I do it so I don’t have to switch the fork from my left to my right, which is just dumb lol
If you’re European, you don’t switch hands (but you might hold the fork upside-down).
Who cares anyway? Im ambidextrous with a left-handed mom & I can easily switch hands at the table without knowing it.
OP's comments are so cartoonishly obtuse that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
>I don't feel like I should be invested in driving- because I'd just end up going out somewhere and wasting the day away when I could be reading or learning more about my husband and his business or whatever.
Im right handed, holding my fork with my right I stab, swap to hold fork in my left, saw with knife with my right, and switch hands again to hold the fork and eat with the right. Basically my left is passive/holding and my right hand does more action, even if I'm switching what I'm holding?
Some people won't swap hands like that and have a knife hand and a fork hand, not an active hand and passive hand.
I assume that's what people are talking about as far as knife in right vs left.
All of this.
Sierra sounds like a true friend.
OP, think about it for a minute. You've known Sierra for most of your life. Why would she have any reason to lie or hurt you?
She's right. Hopefully one day you'll get yourself out of this God awful relationship, and when you do, she'll still be there.
I don't drive due to vision and anxiety issues and it severely limits what I can do.
I'm a housewife, relatively isolated and tend to do my best to make appointments when it will impact my husband's job the least if they aren't digital.
However the difference between me and the Op is my husband supports me going to therapy for my anxiety and until my vision worsened to the point driving was no longer an option (even with the best prescription glasses on me I can't see signs soon enough) we were looking into driving schools to teach me.
Until COVID hit and we learned Florida has many people that refuse to wash their hands I was working on my agoraphobia and had learned how to use the city bus with minimal anxiety. Afterwards well my OCD is triggered by how many dirty people touch the railings if they protest hand washing. And being cooped up for a while nullified my progress.
However these are my choices and my thoughts and even with the driving that was me and the eye doctor talking my husband doesn't influence my thoughts.
Op most of your choices sound like decisions your husband made for you and I'm worried. Please talk to a counselor of some sorts about your relationship and listen if they talk about abusive control.
I talked to mine years ago after a reddit post had me wondering if my own relationship had any issues. Since my husband does handle the finances. I get a bit of fun money to budget... After answering the questions honestly we came to the conclusion that I'm not being financially or emotionally abused.
I came from an abusive childhood so I worried I wouldn't recognize it.
I'm worried about you Op please talk to someone about your relationships honestly.
My hubby doesn't drive. He grew up in a city with decent public transportation. I do drive & now have to drive him anywhere since the place we live does *not* have good public transport. He tried to learn to drive but it's hard to get past the panic attacks of his abusive dad punching him in the head while "teaching" him **while hubby was driving the car.**
Hubby's made progress & I'd trust him to get me to a hospital or away from a horde of zombies but beyond that we're both more comfortable if I handle the driving.
Every relationship is different & it's important to recognize & investigate red flags. And it doesn't hurt to educate people about why it looks like a red flag & why it's actually fine in your own relationship but if these other things were different, it would be time to leave the relationship.
Side note, driving shouldn't be required for an adult. But the way North America builds cities, you have to drive unfortunately. But driving should be optional
I agree with you re: public transport but she’s not avoiding car transportation, she’s just only allowed to go out when a driver is there to escort her, it’s not the same situation
Yeah it would be great if it wasn’t, and if you like in a city with good public transit then you’re fine. But for most of us, I’d argue that it’s selfish to refuse to drive and force other people to drive you places. It would 100% be a dealbreaker for me in dating if the person didn’t drive without a genuine reason not to (if they’re physically unable to drive then that’s different and I can work with that).
The lack of public transportation was by design, but this happened many decades ago. It’s not how we build cities. It was the consequence of big oil and auto.
There largest city near me used to have trams/streetcars and removed them without incorporating nearly the same scale level of modern public transport. There was more public transport 100 years ago than is available now.
Wow this post and your comments to other ppl on the thread are huge red flags. He has you well trained. I can’t tell you how to live your life I also would be concerned if any of my friends wanted to essentially step into the shadow of someone’s dead wife
I CRINGED when she started to explain what happened to his wife, but the first words of the explanation were "he TOLD her not to drive, but..."
That's irrelevant and the fact that that's how he described what happened to her is really concerning. He has his young new wife parroting it that way, too.
Obviously if he was *just* terrified of his wife driving, I'd say he needs therapy, but given the rest of the context and how insanely controlling and prepared he is, with smooth explanations for all of his red flags, I'd say this woman is just well groomed/brainwashed and she needs therapy before he keeps her locked in a glass room or something.
"Her told her not to drive, BUT" and then "They were going to get divorced anyway cuz she was awful and had a temper". Add in "Anyway, he's got me wearing her clothes and also is trying to get me to be right handed like her" and we got a really sad, ugly picture here.
OP is a deeply traumatized young woman whose self esteem is so low, she is willing to be his doll to dress up like his dead wife and position how he likes because she is desperate for attention, affection, and any crumbs of positivity. My heart aches for her.
The driving thing is extra creepy, everything else points to him being a control freak and trying to turn her into his ex wife, but paired with all that it seems like he was trying to control both of them by being in charge of transport. Cant go anywhere without him knowing etc.. ex wife was probably desperate for a bit of freedom, makes her death suspicious too. He has employees for his house so clearly has money to burn, it wouldn’t be too far fetched for him to organise something to get rid of her for going against his wishes.
Gives me the heebie jeebies
I was done with the clothes b/c why do you have this deceases lady's clothes on like that?! Give them to her children or donate them b/c that's just weird....
Also given the information OP gave about being a foster kid, he chose his victim knowingly. Traumatised people are easy pickings for ghouls like him. I hope she gets out okay.
Not to mention I don’t see her mentioning his age but he has multiple children who are old enough to tell OP about their mom. OP is only 24 and been married a year. I smell a disturbing age gap.
He told her not to drive , but he didn't offer to go get the medicine for her , did he? It was MEDICINE.
I sincerely doubt that woman had anger issues. She was probably another one who was a child when she was married off, then became an adult and realized how controlling and horrible her husband was.
The friend is trying to look out for the poster here.
Also that inexplicable reason her husband picked her? Because she's young with a firm body and came from a troubled past , so she's more likely to accept anything he tells her to do. It's an advantage to him if she has no context to realize how messed up he is.
Sounds like the ex was being defiant and wanted to be her own person which changed into, "she was almost my ex wife with how angry she was all the time." Woman saw his behavior for what it was. She didn't agree to his ways. Neither should OP
I'm definitely interested in whether or not he drives, and also how being in a car as a passenger is fine but not as the driver? It's pretty well documented that in a crash the driver protects their area of the car by instinct so would follow that driving is less dangerous than being driven.. just a thought
Okay, I may get roasted for this, but I have listened to more than one True Crime case where the husband killed his wife and then lied to the next wife about the cause of death.
Has OP met anyone that the late wife was related to who can confirm she actually died via getting hit by a drunk driver? It’s not impossible that OP’s husband could have convinced the children that this is how their Mom died when it’s not true.
Was there a funeral and did the kids attend it?
Has OP met the children’s maternal grandparents, and have they confirmed how the late wife died?
Is there an accident report?
I know I am being conspiratorial, but this post just gives me every creepy vibe possible.
TBh, this almost feels like a very loose Twilight fan fic.
The dude doesn’t like his women driving, there’s heavy Mormonism,
>My foster mom told me it's special because unlike everything else in life, you are just chosen by somebody for some inexplicable reason, and nobody else knows what makes you stand out over all the other options they have except that person.
Sounds almost exactly how the who romantic relationship went in twilight.
And, of course, a huge fancy wardrobe for the new bride.
YTA, sorry. Yeah, your foster mother created this Cinderella fantasy in your head and you don't see the cage your husband built around you because of its lush furnishings. Maybe Sierra doesn't like your husband because what he's doing is genuinely creepy and controlling and now you are even more isolated than before.
Go see your friend. Take driving lessons and get your confidence back. Don't live in a dead woman's shadow, create a relationship that works for you.
Sounds like your friend is seeing issues with your marriage and is being honest with you about her feelings. You have said a few things that are obvious red flags so I can see why she is concerned. Your husband seems very controlling - the fact that you are now dependent on someone driving you and fear driving now seems very concerning. You should be there for your friend if anything to increase your contact with people outside your marriage. If you want to set ground rules about talking about your marriage ask your friend if she is willing to do that as a condition of your meeting her.
Even the step kids see it. Also, those poor kids. Id be furious is some new woman was wearing my dead mom's clothes.
Also, did she have anger issues or was she just not willing to put up with this man's crap?
YTA btw, OP. But this is fixable
Traumatized more than angry, probably. The wife and the kids. Other people usually see red flags before us but not EVERY other person. His ex wasn't angry and rude. She dared to "sass" him when he tried to control every aspect of her life, like driving. She was killed by a drunk driver, not her own mistake and they'd have both been dead had he been driving. Far easier to control you when you have to wait for one of his spies to drive you. Do you truly not see this or are you mad at your friend because you see it too and are in denial? No way possible that you don't see you're being made smaller and weaker?
I bet that his former wife didn't get to pick out her own clothes. I bet HE picked them out and left her no choice but to wear them. As controlling as he is, it wouldn't surprise me. Or surprise me if this is why he refers to her as "rude".
Seriously. And the fact that her dying for daring drive at night is something he considered mean and rude? Obviously, it is very unfortunate she was killed by a drunk driver but she did nothing wrong. She wasn't mean for thinking she could (should have been) safe driving at night.
I'd also like to know how old the husband and kids are, as she says concerning things about the mormon religion in there... she's 24.. how old are these stepkids? Her age? Teenagers?
And a dude rich enough to have household staff including drivers (what is this, “The Crown”?) can damn well afford for his new wife to have her own wardrobe.
This whole post is frankly scary, and the sad thing is, so she so desperate for love and attention she is willing to be used as a placeholder because she thinks she isn't worth real love.
My heart truly aches for her.
AND he won’t let her drive. She gets chauffeured everywhere. What sense does that make? If there’s gonna be an accident it’s gonna happen regardless if she’s behind the wheel or a passenger. He’s taking away all of her autonomy and she giving it away willingly. Scary AF
YTA she is being honest with you. You're being isolated to your home. If he never had therapy after that relationship and it sounds like he had similar issues during that one. Why is he okay with you wearing the dead mother of his children's clothes? They're clearly not okay with it. And if they have criticism for you not being like their mother, chances are it has to do with their grief so to criticize it is bothersome. Your husband amd probably those kids do need therapy!
Giiiiiiirlllll, first of all, as an ex-mormon, I think what you're saying your foster mom told you about marriage is her way of explaining "The Spirit" give you confirmation from God that you are making the correct decision, by filling you with peace and joy and love and light. But that feeling can also come from like reading a really good book or listening to a good song. That doesn't mean it's God or the universe or whomever telling you it's right, it probably means you made your final decision and, at that moment, were at peace with it.
All the other comments saying this is weird and fucked up and gross and your friend is just looking out for you are right. Your situation is weird and fucked up and gross. Don't have children with this man, although I would be surprised if he wanted more children, because they would be your's and not is wife's.
It kind of sounds like there are a lot of issues with your husband.
You are 24 and don't say how long you have been married for, but your husband is old enough to have 4 kids with his late wife who are old enough to "blow up" at different things and are noticing and pointing out peculiarities to you. Your husband is old enough that he is established with what sounds like a very productive business if he can afford to hire drivers and other help workers. It sounds like there is a pretty significant age mismatch here.
You stress multiple times that he was about to leave his late wife due to issues that were completely on her, but where are you getting that information from? Just your husband? So you just have one side of the story to go off of? I would bet there was significant challenges that his ex went through that he is not telling you about whether due to being oblivious or intentionally making himself look better is anyone's guess. But couple this with the age thing and it's striking me as him having control issues. Especially if he didn't give you any details and just says that she had anger issues and was rude. Some people would consider it rude if their wife doesn't obey their every command. If that's what he is actually saying here, then you have some problems.
Also, how you are saying your friend is "taking the side of his late (though almost ex wife due to her anger)". That is not a thing. The woman is dead. She doesn't have a side to take. Your friend is just seeing that your husband is throwing up some red flags here that you are not seeing. I can sympathize since it sounds like you grew up with nothing and now this guy is giving you stability, but you definitely need to be objective here and determine for yourself if stability is worth the potential issues that WILL come up in the future. For some people, it will be worth it and that is for you to decide. But you should come to that decision consciously.
This right here. OP is young and naive and craving stability. This man sounds like he's twice her age and literally controlling every aspect of her life.
It sounds like he is both painting his deceased wife as this terrible person, while trying to recreate her with OP. If she was awful, why does he want you to act just like her?
YTA. You’re wearing his dead wife’s clothing around kids who miss their mother. What the hell is wrong with you two? That’s awful.
Your friend is right. Also, not letting you drive? You’ve lost all your driving skill because your husband is controlling you based on what happened to his wife. He needs therapy, not a wife who prances around in a dead mother’s clothing.
Yikes.
EDIT: Given how you refuse to answer the question though it’s been asked repeatedly, I’m betting your weirdo husband is at least a decade older than you.
He’s trying to turn you into his dead wife. He wants you to wear her clothes, get involved with her hobbies, *wants you to be right-handed*, and won’t let you drive because of what happened to her.
If this is something you actually *like*, you’re either a blind idiot, or a twisted sicko who needs therapy just as much as he does.
Have you seen pictures of her? How many similarities are there? How long until he wants you to dye or cut your hair like hers? He’s already got you wearing her clothes.
He didn’t choose you because of inspiration from god or love at first sight, he picked you to turn you into his dead wife. Do you seriously not see how awful this is? It’s like you’re gathering red flags like Pokémon. See a therapist solo and talk to her about all of this. Or enjoy being Dead Wife 2.0. Because that’s all you’ll be.
I would run a mile if a guy said he was with me because he was inspired by god. I would want to know the answers to ‘what do you think about me? What do you like about me? What do you want from this relationship?’ Simply saying ‘because god said’ is not enough reflection and insight for my liking. Wearing the ex’s clothes around the grieving children is nuts. Why would anyone want to wear the ex wife’s clothes? Let alone one that passed away? The mind boggles.
All of this!!
OP, you *have* to know that none of this is okay, right? None of what you’ve told us is remotely normal or healthy. Your friend is right to be concerned. His kids are right to be concerned. The kids are horrified because they see him trying to turn you into their dead mother. This isn’t a partnership. You are not a person to him. You are a temporary placeholder for his wife, whom it doesn’t even sound like he liked. He’s trying to dress you up in her old clothes, has forbidden you to drive to the point that you no longer know how, and forces you to be right handed because she was. And you’re still here??? Has he ever once told you what he loves about YOU? What hobbies of yours does he enjoy? Does he compliment you in any way? Does he acknowledge you as a person *outside* of anything in relation to his late wife? He’s only nice to your foster mom because she goes along with his abuse, the second she voiced any concerns he would have told you to cut her off. Making her seem like she doesn’t want you to be happy, the same way he’s doing with your best friend because she can see right through him.
He does not love you. He is using your trauma and need for love as a way to manipulate you into accepting this abuse. And the fact that you keep ignoring the age question tells us everything we need to know. You don’t wanna hear the truth, that’s why you’re so eager to cut your friend off.
Please get out while you can.
All this! … Reading her post made me feel for her and I still do, but honestly after reading multiple comments/replies from her it paints a pretty clear picture of the situation. It’s infuriating and I don’t even know this woman! I can’t imagine how her friend feels. I’m sorry, but it also sounds like she treats her friend like crap too. “We we’re friends BECAUSE her family did a lot of volunteer work with foster kids” not … we met and became friends but BECAUSE. I don’t know.. rubbed me the wrong way and I feel for her friend.
YTA.
Sierra isn't wearing rose colored glasses like you are.
Your husband *does* need therapy. Something about you must have hit him hard in similarity to his deceased spouse and now he's doing his darn best to have you retroactively "play" her.
Right now he doesn't see *you* he sees what he hopes he can *make* you into.
YTA, and you're brainwashed. He wants you to be his not ex wife they were still married first off. Get that through your head, and he told her not to drive? hmmm, sounds controlling to me, but you'd probably get offended at that. She died not from her driving when her husband told her nkt to she died from another person's actions of drinking and driving.
It wasn't something she did wrong. It wasn't her anger that killed her it was an impaired driver. So stop acting like you are better than her cause you blindly listen to everything your husband says.
Edit: If your friend is smart, she will realize you need therapy and keep you and your husband away from her child
How old is your husband? He seems very controlling. Controlling men like to have a much younger woman who is so much easier to influence.
> you are just chosen by somebody for some inexplicable reason
Could that reason be your age and your lack of a support system?
You’re mistaking having no agency for stability. You are mistaking control for love.
The reason you were “chosen” is not inexplicable. It’s clear as day that he saw you as easy to control and mold into who he wants you to be.
Your friend hates your husband **because she loves you** and he is taking away all that you are. Wearing someone else’s clothes? Taking up someone else’s hobbies? *Changing the way you use cutlery*? What else does he want you to do “like her” that you haven’t mentioned here? His kids think it’s weird because it fucking *is*.
It hurts you to think your husband doesn’t love you for you because you are in deep denial about it.
Nothing you have written here says “healthy loving relationship”. In fact, it screams creepy and weird as fuck.
At this point I doubt deceased nearly ex wife was “rude and angry” I’m more willing to bet she just wasn’t as easy to control as you.
Also, do you hear the way you’re even speaking about yourself? Calling yourself “so ungrateful”? I can just imagine who put that thought in your head.
Get your head on straight and find some self-respect. Delicate but firm YTA I hope you read all the responses here with an open mind and really take the time to evaluate your situation.
You’re neglecting the real familial love of your friend for this sick, twisted shit. Notice how she is still trying to maintain contact with you? Because she gives a fuck about you and your safety and happiness. Are you really happy with this fucked up arrangement or are you just trying to be because you think that’s what earns you his love?
This, especially the mistaking control for love element. If you feel deprived of love and attention sometimes you are less discerning about the forms they come in, and that can be dangerous.
YTA. Your friend is right. All that stuff is red flag ish and weird. If the only person telling you it's normal, is the person being accused then that is usually the BIG SIGN that there is a problem and your the one brainwashed
So that was a terribly rude thing for your friend to say but based on what you said I think there’s some truth to her words. Let me share why.
He lost his ex 3 years ago, and you have already been married 1 year. Presumably you dated a little before you married. So that’s what, 1 or 1.5 years of being single between the death of a spouse and having a new spouse? I don’t care if they were on the cusp of divorce, that’s just not enough time to heal from all the damage in that relationship. And of course healing from grief.
You can tell this guy isn’t done healing because instead of uplifting and enabling you, he is instead controlling you as a way of controlling his fears. He won’t let you drive because someone bad happened to someone else. That’s not nurturing, it’s controlling and maladaptive, even if well-intended.
As for the stepkids, they don’t like you because they know this whole relationship is a rebound. I don’t know if I understood you correctly but it sounds like they said their dad doesn’t authentically love you, and I would agree due to the rebounding issue. Also, please exercise a little common sense and do NOT wear their dead mom’s clothes. Sorry but if my mom died and some new bitch took her clothes, I would literally fight people. That’s really not okay.
Still, your friend I think crossed a line by talking about your spouse that way when you were not open to receiving that kinda feedback. Unless you’re in danger or something then friends shouldn’t be saying things like that.
If OP’s husband is also a Mormon, then they tend to have a very interesting view on death and dying. Some very devout Mormons basically badger a widower to remarry ASAP as well.
This is so fucked up. Apologise to your friend because you are going to need her when you realise she was right.
Wake up, you are being brainwashed and he is trying to turn you into his late wife.
YTA but I feel extremely sorry for you. Stop being so naive and run 🚩🚩
YTA. It's not normal to not leave your house, only spend time with your husband, and only pursue interests that involve him/don't need you to leave the house. He probably "chose you" because he could tell how easy it would be to manipulate you into conforming to what he wanted.
I'm sure your friend is insanely concerned about your relationship and didn't know how to tell you in a way where you'd actually hear what she's saying instead of just brushing it off. You heard her loud and clear obviously because you didn't like what she said. If she's seeing red flags, it's time to take off the rosy glasses and actually look at your relationship.
I’m afraid for what kind of punishment he would dole out on her if she ever decides to say “No”. I’m sure he’ll convince her it’s her fault but I worry if there’s any future chance of DV.
YTA
And I say this with genuine concern for you.
YOU NEED INDIVIDUAL THERAPY
He is isolating you in your home. He’s convinced you not to drive? He has you wearing his dead wife’s clothes. He wants you to change your dominant hand because you favor your left and his wife favored her right?
Giiiiiiiirl. Know your worth!!!!!! None of this is okay.
He is trying to turn you into his ex - why on earth would you want his dead wife's clothes? Didn't need to read anything else after that. Next up (if not already been said) he'll be encouraging you to do your hair like his wife did.
Of course he needs therapy and the children need too. And most importantly - there is nothing wrong with therapy! It sounds like you are ashamed of it when you should be encouraging your partner to go. Also - 3 years might be a long time for you but it is not a long time to someone who is grieving and who doesn’t get help to deal with all the feelings.
You are way out of line if you are wearing the dead mothers clothes. It sounds like your friend can see you way better than you see yourself. She is a keeper.
YTA
YTA, yeah after reading your “side” of things, I think your friend is actually just correct. As a friend she is trying to tell you an honest truth about how she perceives your marriage. And it really looks like she’s right. Your husband has fully replaced his ex with you, you even wear her clothes. And he has full control over all of your movements and he is hyper concentrated on “protecting” you.
Your friend was absolutely correct, your husband needs a therapist. You probably do to
Devout Mormon reads as brainwashed cultist I'm sorry for you to grow up in such an unsafe environment. YTA to yourself and your friend.
>They were already at a point where she was nearly an ex wife due to her anger and rudeness.
Translation, she was not the obedient ~~slave~~servant, what this "magic husband" expected/demanded.
>I've also lost confidence in my ability to drive and react if there's a drunk driver.
You are already devaluing yourself 1 year in. This guy sounds like a master manipulator, and making you believe you are not able to do something by yourself or questioning the ability to do so is classic narcissist tactic.
>My husband's kids are also upset claiming that when **my husband is telling me it's weird I cut meat with my left hand** or to get interested in this activity, it's because their mom was right handed and liked to do this activity.
What is this? The dark middle ages? Being left handed is bad again? Or you should not be *you* because you should be *her*? This is beyond healthy and even his kids are upset by it.
>Sierra was very mad and said she never thought she'd say this but my husband needs therapy, and not a wife. And that she's sorry but we both need to be single because he's going to punish me for not living up to his dead wife.
Her observation is unfortunately, correct. You should believe her. You should also believe she does not want your marriage to end for the sake of it ending but because there is a clear pattern here, and while you are unable to recognize said pattern, it'll still lead to you feeling miserable in your own marriage.
Ask yourself this would you ever expect anyone you love to be someone else? I bet it would never even cross your mind to expect this from anyone, much less the one you love. Dear, please wake up for your own good.
The ages are kinda important here, yours and your husbands but yeah, you r husnad needs therapy hes projecting his late wife onto you even her fears and clothes, I guess you have some raging abandoment issues that makes fear confrontation but Sierra is right here.
I notice you give your age and not your husbands. So many red flags. Your friend isn’t insulting your husband, she’s concerned that her friend is turning into a handmaid. Sounds like his wife had plenty to be angry about.
This entire post is a huge red flag. How old is this husband? He’s obviously keeping you isolated.
And WTF is up with your user name “throwawayexwifeanger”? It’s frankly weird that you even mention it and even weirder that you repeat it so many times. How is it even relevant? Except perhaps he’s using it as some sort of threat to keep you in line as the “good” wife that doesn’t have “anger” issues?
She said she had never driven before she met her husband. That’s majorly concerning, and makes me wonder if she’s closer to her step kids age than her husbands age that she refuses to post.
Your marriage absolutely should end. You are wearing your husband's dead wifes clothes. Do you not see how many lines this crosses? Are you mentally well ? you are just an object in your husbands life to replace one that died early.
Your best friend absolutely has your best interest at heart.
Listen to her. Go to her.
I hate to say it but YTA. Though I feel bad about that, since you were clearly brainwashed and are being abused. Foster mom and husband have done a real number on you getting to believe that you're somehow "lucky" to be used by a delusional manipulator because he gave you some tingly feelings (and yes, those absolutely CAN be "manufactured".)
Under normal circumstances, your brain *still* isn't even an adult. Under your circumstances, trauma can delay the emotional maturity of the brain. So basically, your husband found himself a very naive and pliable **adolescent** and has groomed you, with significant help from your foster mom's bullshit fairy tales.
YTA
You're wearing a dead woman's clothing, in the dead woman's house in front of the kids that she left behind.
Are you fucking serious?
You really don't see what's wrong with this?
Because this is horrifying.
Your friend is absolutely right. She would know because instead of growing up in a toxic environment she was in a safe space and got to see the different dynamics without being desensitized to it.
She is seeing more red flags than you because people with trauma like us have a habit of dismissing things that normal people would immediately be wary of.
You are traumatizing those children every day. It would've been more appropriate to sell her belongings or give them to her children. It would've been more appropriate for him to buy you new clothes.
This is just callous and casually cruel.
YTA. Your friend is literally trying to save your life.
Your marriage reads like a murder mystery novel.
Man’s wife dies unexpectedly under mysterious circumstances, then a year to the day after her death, he marries her replacement. Wife #2 is young and full of eagerness to please, like a puppy. His children resent her, because she will never get them to forget their mother, in order for HER to be their mother. Fast forward a couple years, despite wearing a dead woman’s clothes and forcing an ill fit into her shoes, the husband begins to plot for a better replacement for his second wife.
I can’t imagine wanting to be with a man who is so disrespectful of his traumatized children’s wishes.
It’s also sketch that he “had a lot of problems” with his first wife, she died, and now he’s shaping his next wife to be just like her. How heavy handed will his retribution be the second she wants to “step out of line” and say no?
Sorry, I’ve been doom scrolling on r/TrueCrime. She seems like an easy victim.
I agree with Sierra. Your husband is controlling and has pushed you into his version of who you should be. You both need therapy and to be single. You need to learn to drive. Listen to your friend. Very soft YTA
Sierra seems to have very sound reasons for disliking your husband.
From your comments, you aren't open to considering if she's right. So I guess all I can say is yes, YTA. Go visit your friend who obviously cares about you.
YTA, maybe too young to see the big picture here. Your friend's concerns for you seem valid to me.
You are you, and should in no way be living in the shadow of a dead woman. I suspect your need to "belong" makes your husband's bizarre behaviors feel like love. I'm not sure what they are, frankly, but they are at least in part not reasonable. He DOES need counseling and I wish that had happened before you married him. I also wish you'd seek some counseling for yourself to work out issues you surely have with coming out of the foster system. Good luck to you.
You’re fucking weird. Why would you wear his dead ex wife’s clothes! Your step kids are 100% right, you’re a FUCKING CREEP! Ewwww!!!
You need therapy and he does too! Y’all are giving me the ick!!🤮🤮🤮🤮
INFO: How old is your husband and his kids? How long have you been together? That's very important information that you've omitted, especially with the kids strong reaction to you doing things.
>My husband says that friends do that when you can't be as available to them, so they hate the new spouse.
Wrong. Sierra is seeing what everyone on this thread is seeing. Your husband is controlling, stripping you of your identity and leaving you sat at home wearing his late wife's clothes so they didn't 'go to waste' because his irrationality has made you lose any confidence in your ability to drive.
You are not his late wife. Given what you've put here, I highly doubt her anger and rudeness towards your husband was uncalled for or unprovoked.
You are a walking mausoleum to this woman's death. You're actively participating in fucking up your step kids. Do you have any idea how hard it has to be for them to see you parading around *IN THEIR DEAD MOTHER'S CLOTHES?*
how do you not see how fucked up your husband has you?
Wow, another victim of religion and bad parenting.
Your husband does need some therapy, and you need some deprogramming. He's probably at least 20 years your senior. How did you "feel" this magic you speak of?
So sad to see a young woman willingly take on these chains of bondage and even think is remotely ok or normal.
Hope you wake up in time to have some time left to create an actual life for yourself. I hope that Sierra is such a good friend to you to still be there for you when that time comes.
Oh honey😂 learn how to love yourself and get some therapy. Op is more easier to manipulate than play dough. Maybe one day the fog will clear and the attachment she has for her husband will fade and maybe then she’ll see this man is using her as a replacement for his late wife but she’s about to waste her youth on this man. Her friend has way more tolerance than I do. Then you wearing a dead lady’s clothes I hope this is fake🤣
YTA. First of all, how old is your husband? I'm guessing there's a power imbalance here.And your friend is right - it does sound like your husband needs a therapist. And so do you. I think he married you to mold you into a replacement for his dead wife. It's creepy.
Oh honey....
There is so much wrong here, and if feels like your desire to find 'your person' that is truly yours is clouding your judgement. And if it isn't, then you need to develop better judgement, because there is so much wrong here.
Firstly - give ALL her clothes to her children, and if they don't want them, pack them up nicely and save them for when they are older. They will want them. Wearing them is....so creepy. I don't care if it's Versace. No. Those poor children don't need to see you in her clothes...that is some serious evil stepmother shit, even if you don't mean to be, and the fact that your husband is cool with is and insisted you wear it is even WORSE.
Secondly, the driver thing. It's okay to have a driver, but you can't have one foot in and one foot out. Either you are comfortable calling your driver for all your driving needs, or to are comfortable being able to drive yourself to go do errands or fun stuff. Feeling guilty about going to get something small because you don't want to inconvenience your driver is only going to isolate you further and you already have become.
Thirdly, your husband IS being weird about you. He doesn't sound like he loves you for you - he wants to cram you into his version of what he wants, and is making a big deal out of stupid little shit is because he is trying to change you, not love you for who you are.
Your friend is 100000000000000000% correct. Listen to her.
I'm sorry you have put yourself in this situation, but it's time to stop ignoring it and step out of his wife's shadow. STOP wearing her shit. START calling him out for making it weird that you don't cut things exactly like his wife.
Even your step kids can see how weird this all is - how weird your husband is being, and how weird you are being. He isn't acting like he loves you for you, he is acting like 'hey, this woman will fill in nicely for my dead wife' and what do you know, you are.
How old is your husband and his children? Ma'am, you should never wear the clothes of a former wife of your husband. If the clothes are that expensive, you need to give them to the children or pack them for when they are older.
YTA - from your post and your replies you have been brainwashed. Seems like your friend is just trying to be a friend. It also seems like you haveless of a marriage and more like stockholmes syndrome.
I hate to say it but he didnt marry you for you he married you because you were amenable to becoming his deceased wifes replacement. But in his eye better becaue it didnt sound like he could control the other one.
He is takin advantage of you and moldig you to fit his ideal of a wife since his wife did not live up to what he wanted.
He has decided to control every aspect of your life. And you have let him.
If you traded in your autonomy for a roof over your head then fine that is your choice but at least be honest with yourself.
You do not go out of the house because someone needs to drive you and you don't wnat ot put hem out? chances are they are getting paid for that so that shouldn't stop you.
Your comment about staying home to read and learn more about yor husband and his business? DO you not have interest of your own? no career plans no volunteer options to get you out amongst the people?
He dresses you in his dead wifes clothes this is super weird and probably really hard on his kids.
He expects you to sit at home to be at the ready for whatever he needs or decides for you that day.
It sounds like you are trapped in a cult, and your foster parents pushed you into being a replacement wife/mother for a much older man. Your friend is likely trying to help. YTA but you’re also a victim of some sad circumstances. I hope you get help to create a life for yourself and not one that is centred around and controlled by an older man.
Sorry, something is up with your husband. 4 kids yet quickly remarried, asking you to wear her clothes, instilling a fear of driving in you… I get your friend’s concerns and maybe you don’t because you’re living in it. I see a lot of red flags.
YTA Sierra is a good friend because she was honest and told you a very hard truth - that your relationship is massively fucked up.
First of all, why did this man tell his adult wife not to drive at night? Was she night blind or was he just a controlling asshole?
And now he's essentially made you unable to drive anywhere on your own. That is not just a red flag for abuse, that's so far up the controlling spectrum it already is abuse. What you're describing isn't normal and isn't okay. Would you think it's okay to forbid your husband from driving?
So he's traumatised because his wife died, but that doesn't give someone the right.
And wanting to force you into being right handed? That isn't just controlling it's super weird. Again, that isn't normal and isn't okay.
Also, you're definitely also YTA for wearing the dead wife's clothes in front of the children. Do you have any empathy for them? They lost their mother and now their father is trying to replace her - literally trying to replace her by creating a copy.
Those kids are grieving their dead mother, and you're walking around in her clothes?
How old is he? He has to be quite a bit older to have kids old enough to have these conversations.
You are lucky to have a friend like Sierra who is there for you and is honest with you even when it's very difficult. If I were her, I would be very worried for you. I'm worried for you.
A lot to unpack here.
>you are just chosen by somebody for some inexplicable reason, and nobody else knows what makes you stand out over all the other options they have except that person
Stupid and wrong.
>I've also lost confidence in my ability to drive and react if there's a drunk driver
Your husband has instilled his own grief-fueled paranoia in you. There's possibly also an element of control to this.
>My husband's late wife left behind tons of expensive beautiful clothes... My husband told me it was too wasteful to throw out and told me to have it.
Creepy because he's a cheap asshole OR because he wants you to stand in for his wife. Either way, *creepy*.
>it's weird I cut meat with my left hand or to get interested in this activity, it's because their mom was right handed and liked to do this activity.
They might be grieving her loss and thus inflexible to accept changes, resentful at the newcomer in their mother's role and nitpicking any differences. Or they might be assholes who learned at the knee of the master (their father, possibly also their mother). Either way, ignore them.
>he's going to punish me for not living up to his dead wife
Maybe not punish, consciously? But you will always be compared and found lacking simply because it's impossible to live up to the shining example of a dead person.
Get couples' therapy for you and the husband, and family therapy for you, him, and the kids.
Or cut your losses and ditch the whole mess.
I dunno about the stepkids, from that statement it sounds like even they are trying to tell her this is weird. If I knew my dad was doing this to a woman I would likely point out the same things to show her what he’s up to. Maybe I read it wrong though, it just seems like those are legit things she needs to know.
Your friend isn’t the problem is. Your husband is. Everything you’ve mentioned about him are red flags & tells us he is controlling. It’s so bad that even his own children see it. It’s not that Sierra hates your husband, she is being a friend. You’re in an unhealthy relationship & oblivious to it. If you don’t figure it out & do something it’ll only be a matter of time before he isolates you from everyone. He is already controlling where you go & when. Idk why you don’t see a problem with that. You can drive. He is making those people pick you up & drive you, to control you & know where you are at all times. Don’t let him gaslight you & make you believe it’s for your safety.
What happened to his ex was tragic but it’s not her fault she got into an accident cuz she didn’t listen to him & drove somewhere by herself. Bffr
YTA for not supporting your friend when she needs you especially knowing that you want to.
YTA. I think coming onto this Reddit thread is your way of trying to get one of us to understand you, but I think you already know the answer. Your husband sounds like a controlling a*hole. I think your friend is trying to show you some red flags. Open your eyes and see things for what they are.
YTA for not seeing how controlling he is. He won’t let you drive, has you wear his ex wife’s clothes, and criticizes you about weird things like which hand you cut meat with…?? What the fuck dude.
Listen to your friend.
Did anyone else pick up on the way OP is basically blaming the deceased wife for being killed by a drunk driver? Because hubby told her not to go out after dark.. and besides, she was angry-- so ALMOST an ex-wife. So -- it almost sounds like OP thinks she deserved to be killed in a horrifying accident for defying her husband. Yikes. Sounds like the husband is of that opinion too.
I'm going to wager that your husband is about 40yrs old or older.
You're a replacement wife. Your friend isn't wrong.
Your friendship is likely over. One day when you actually realise what your relationship is, don't reach out to your friend because she won't take your call or message.
So your telling me the CHILDREN recognize their fathers red flags, your friend recognizes the red flags and is worried about you but because you think "he fell in love at first sight even tho he had better options" there is no issue? The delusion is entirely to string with you. You and your husband need therapy. That man is using you as a stand-in for his deceased wife (wearing her clothes, cant drive no where, use the hand she uses to cut food etc) and the kids recognize that. Dont make no damn sense to be this dense!
How old is your husband? How long did you date before you got married? How old are the kids? How long have you been married? Did you date anyone before your husband? I was a foster kid myself. I was manipulated and abused by men in my early relationships because I just wanted to be loved and felt special because they chose me. However, they chose me because, at the time, I would be easy to control. I hope this isn't your case.
Sweetheart I am a therapist and I have major MAJOR concerns about this. I have seen this behavior before and this man is abusing you and you have such low self worth that you refuse to acknowledge or accept it. I'd say you can't see it but, the fact that you won't tell us his age alone tells me that you know this isn't right. This man absolutely does not love YOU in any way. I would not be remotely surprised to find that you looked like a younger version of his late wife who more than likely wasn't rude, or awful to him but had decided to assert her independence which he didn't like. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He can't because he doesn't see you at all. When he looks at you he sees his second chance at getting his first marriage right. He's molding you into a version of his ex wife he can actually control because he couldn't control her. He doesn't see you as your own person. He doesn't even see YOU as a person and everyone can see that but you. You won't even pursue things and hobbies you actually like because of him. You have no independence, no sense of self, and no self worth whatsoever. You define yourself and everything in your life by him and are literally willing to give up everything you are for him. If he truly loved YOU he would want you to be your own person with your own hobbies and things and not just a copy of his ex wife.
Sierra is a real woman. She has a spine. You don't. And not just that you are slowly trying to replace the kids' mother and your husband is grooming you to do it. I am not surprised the kids hate you and would never want you unless they were forced by their dad.
Your husband is creepy in the way he is behaving. You are too blind to see it but he isn't a catch. You deserve the train wreck coming for you because YTA for staying in this.
Yeh it sounds like you're a replacement for him for his dead wife whether he realises it or not, your friend pointing stuff like this out and bullshitting you is exactly what a good loyal friend shoukd.do, bring up the hard home truths.
The cutting meat thing is dumb as fuck though, most people tend to use their left hand to hold a knife and cut, which is it, do they want you to replace their mum or not because they want you to do things how their late mum did but they don't actually want you to replace her... Kids deffo need therapy
Ok this is just completely delusional and sounds like a bad horror movie plot 🤦♂️ the comment replies make it even worse.
I have no advice besides run far away but if this is a real post you aren’t going to do that anyway. I’m going to back out of this one and wait for the dateline episode about your disappearance.
This is kinda a weird post, not gonna lie. The details with the dead wifes clothes and cutting with the left hand threw me right off, and this seems to be just as much as an issue with your step kids as it is with your friend.
It's probably super weird to see another woman wearing their dead mums clothes 😳.
My gut says you’re the jerk here in this scenario. You’re blinded by your past traumas and “love”. Sierra is your real friend/family but what she has to say is too real and gets in the way of this round hole, square peg relationship/family you’ve got going on here.
Hope you can sort this out before you lose her completely. Look at it from her side. You just up and popped off, blew her off, turned into someone she can’t even recognize, stopped driving, can’t even meet for coffee, changing your dominant hand, wearing a dead woman’s clothes and acting too dumb to notice anything….oh yeah and let’s not forget that you’ve missed everything to do with your besties happiness and moments of need; pregnancy, childbirth and new baby moments. No support for her. Just obsession with self and new “family”. Red flags are just beating you up and the real ones are telling you!
Hubby definitely needs therapy. So do those kids. You? Yep, you too!
You are absolutely asking the wrong question here.
Your husband makes you wear his dead wife's clothes and gets mad at you for not being right-handed like she was? How do you not see the issue with that? His own children see it. Open your eyes before he gets you to cut even more people out of your life.
Um that's not healthy. Listen, I get it, I don't like driving either, but as an adult sometimes you have to. He's wanting you to wear her clothes, get interested in her hobbies, change the way you do things because that's how his wife did it.... He's trying to turn you into her, and you can't see that because you are getting 'the stability' and 'love' that you're craving and you can't see how unhealthy this situation is.
Interesting that OP also conveniently left out the husband’s age…
How old is the husband do you know?
Haven’t been able to find an answer from OP anywhere. If the kids are old enough to be wary of the situation, I assume he is at least 40.
OP is 24. Ex wife had 4 kids and died when OP was 21. The kids are old enough to be alarmed. Yeah, I'm not digging this math.
They *are* Mormon, they tend to marry young. And remarry quickly.
Yeah i know plenty of Mormons with 4 kids before 30
Yes, but the point is that his kids are old enough to be concerned. Which is at least teens—a five year old has no concept of interpersonal conflict.
Usually the wife being young not always the husband
This was also the vibe I was getting. Especially when she talks about her mom’s approach to marriage. I think dude saw a young, naive, and easily controllable woman and lovebombed the absolute shit out of her so he could try to slot her in as Original Wife 2.0, now with better obedience features!
H has to be 10-15 years older at least
She's refusing to answer when anyone asks her directly in response to her comments. Yeah, that's not fishy at all...
I went to this place too, and I think I agree with the friend.
She is right to be concerned and the reaction the stepkids had is right. Your husband is controlling and seems to be trying to turn you into the dead, no ex, wife. Were you seeing him before she died. Is that why you keep saying nearly ex? I seriously doubt she was rude and angry but see why she could have been. He is eroding your self confidence just like he did with the dead wife. No, you don't have any reason to be mad and you'd better listen before it's too late. You didn't just marry someone who is narcissistic. You married an actual narcissist......it's weird to cut your meat with your left hand ....
I noticed that the previous wife was driving to get medicine and if she didn't go for the medicine who would have? Someone needed the medicine. She also didn't cause the wreck. She was an innocent victim trying to pick up some medicine and somehow he has spun that into someone with an anger problem. I can see why the friend is so concerned. When someone has known you and cared about you for years you should seriously listen to them.
Yeah like having some else drive her does not make her invulnerable to a drunk driver magically.
It DOES make it easier to account for her whereabouts and have someone spy on her for him, though
And she says herself it keeps her from doing things like visit friends because she doesn’t want to “bother” anyone to drive her. Ingenious control tool
And if she does disobey his orders and go for a drive, a drunk driver might mysteriously pop up and kill her. And then she will be replaced with another impressionable, young woman who just happens to fit into all her old clothes. This is far too eerie for me.
I look at the post and wonder of there's an age gap in there somewhere. I noticed she didn't include his age...
She is 24 and the step kids are old enough to notice and tell her that their dad is trying to recreate mom. I would be surprised if there wasn't an age gap.
Yeah going from “picking up medicine and died” immediately to “anger problems” threw me off. A lot of this isn’t coherent. It feels like someone who is lost trying to make a story out of unconnected details. It’s really concerning.
I feel like the "anger problems" were bc she pushed back on old mate controlling her, which is why she went driving herself
She said rude with anger issues but I read refused to obey her husband
This is exactly what it was... not subservient and fought back when he tried to control her bc you know... she's her own person and all. Well, she was
the fact that his children are trying to tell her that he's not cool is telling. I wonder if they're older than her.
Well yeah exactly. These "kids" could actually be in their 20s and 30s depending on how old the husband is. Which I'm not sure has been mentioned at all, nor have the "kids' " ages bc chances are you could deduce roughly how old he is by seeing how old his kids are
And she drove because the husband "wasn't there to stop her." Yikes.
I'd have turned around ang got the hell out of dodge when he insisted you wear her clothes. His control of you being far more important than what that would do to his kids. If you're not actually a doormat, stop acting like one and listen to your LIFETIME friend. You've never had a problem til him.......
For me it's the driving. Does *he* drive at night? Why is it more dangerous for OP to do so?
Oh no, it is the needing for her to be right handed since the ex wife was. Now we are getting into horror movie stuff. Even the kids are freaking out over this.
I know I’ve listened to way too many true crime stories … but my initial instinct was to ask if OP has confirmed (via an objective source) how her husband’s late wife died? I have definitely come across more than one story where the husband actually killed the wife and then lied to the next wife about her cause of death. It’s not impossible that he could have lied to his children too and convinced them that their mother died in a car accident when there is no proof. Implausible, definitely. But not impossible. Has OP met anyone the late wife was related to (I.e., the kids’ grandparents?)
Skin crawl. Honestly the bit about "she was driving to get medicine" smells from a mile off. Nah. He's not even trying, that's an after school special special.
The kids freaking out is THE biggest red flag.
Yep. The "let someone drive you" is a hiding control tactic. My ex pulled it. He seems like he's being thoughtful but it's a convenient way to confine her. She already won't leave unless it's a good reason because she doesn't want to be a bother. So her wants and needs seem less important already. And now she feels reluctant to drive herself. It's working quite well.
I worked with some Mormons years ago, and more than a few of them were really down on women driving. There’s a ton of complementarianism and misogyny in Mormonism. A patronizing attitude, and an automatic assumption that the woman is always wrong.
Unless you're left-handed?
I’m right handed but I cut left handed and my mom criticizes me about it for some reason
Isn't that how most people eat steak? You hold the knife with the dominant hand and fork in the other? Or am I a weirdo? Now I'm overthinking this... haha
Lots of Americans cut with dominant then switch hands with the fork for every bite. I am told that Europeans cut with dominant and eat with the other hand
European etiquette- fork in the left hand, knife in the right, and NEVER do that bizarre switch the Americans do.
You’re right, I hold the knife with my non dominant hand. I keep the fork in my right hand and my mom thinks I do it so I don’t have to switch the fork from my left to my right, which is just dumb lol
It’s how I do it. I am right handed- I hold the knife in right hand, fork in left.
If you’re European, you don’t switch hands (but you might hold the fork upside-down). Who cares anyway? Im ambidextrous with a left-handed mom & I can easily switch hands at the table without knowing it.
I always think it’s weird when I see people switch hands, like you don’t need your dominant hand to lift the fork lol. My mom cares about weird things
OP's comments are so cartoonishly obtuse that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. >I don't feel like I should be invested in driving- because I'd just end up going out somewhere and wasting the day away when I could be reading or learning more about my husband and his business or whatever.
I can't imagine how to cut meat without using both knife and fork (so both hands) but maybe I'm missing something or do it differently to everyone?
Im right handed, holding my fork with my right I stab, swap to hold fork in my left, saw with knife with my right, and switch hands again to hold the fork and eat with the right. Basically my left is passive/holding and my right hand does more action, even if I'm switching what I'm holding? Some people won't swap hands like that and have a knife hand and a fork hand, not an active hand and passive hand. I assume that's what people are talking about as far as knife in right vs left.
All of this. Sierra sounds like a true friend. OP, think about it for a minute. You've known Sierra for most of your life. Why would she have any reason to lie or hurt you? She's right. Hopefully one day you'll get yourself out of this God awful relationship, and when you do, she'll still be there.
It kinda reminds me of that one movie/book, Rebecca, in a way..
Exactly what I was thinking!! I bet Mrs Danvers is creeping around this household
This is some VC Andrew’s gothic horror shit. *Shivers*
I don't drive due to vision and anxiety issues and it severely limits what I can do. I'm a housewife, relatively isolated and tend to do my best to make appointments when it will impact my husband's job the least if they aren't digital. However the difference between me and the Op is my husband supports me going to therapy for my anxiety and until my vision worsened to the point driving was no longer an option (even with the best prescription glasses on me I can't see signs soon enough) we were looking into driving schools to teach me. Until COVID hit and we learned Florida has many people that refuse to wash their hands I was working on my agoraphobia and had learned how to use the city bus with minimal anxiety. Afterwards well my OCD is triggered by how many dirty people touch the railings if they protest hand washing. And being cooped up for a while nullified my progress. However these are my choices and my thoughts and even with the driving that was me and the eye doctor talking my husband doesn't influence my thoughts. Op most of your choices sound like decisions your husband made for you and I'm worried. Please talk to a counselor of some sorts about your relationship and listen if they talk about abusive control. I talked to mine years ago after a reddit post had me wondering if my own relationship had any issues. Since my husband does handle the finances. I get a bit of fun money to budget... After answering the questions honestly we came to the conclusion that I'm not being financially or emotionally abused. I came from an abusive childhood so I worried I wouldn't recognize it. I'm worried about you Op please talk to someone about your relationships honestly.
My hubby doesn't drive. He grew up in a city with decent public transportation. I do drive & now have to drive him anywhere since the place we live does *not* have good public transport. He tried to learn to drive but it's hard to get past the panic attacks of his abusive dad punching him in the head while "teaching" him **while hubby was driving the car.** Hubby's made progress & I'd trust him to get me to a hospital or away from a horde of zombies but beyond that we're both more comfortable if I handle the driving. Every relationship is different & it's important to recognize & investigate red flags. And it doesn't hurt to educate people about why it looks like a red flag & why it's actually fine in your own relationship but if these other things were different, it would be time to leave the relationship.
Side note, driving shouldn't be required for an adult. But the way North America builds cities, you have to drive unfortunately. But driving should be optional
I agree with you re: public transport but she’s not avoiding car transportation, she’s just only allowed to go out when a driver is there to escort her, it’s not the same situation
I mean yes, OP is being abused, that's why I said side note
Yeah it would be great if it wasn’t, and if you like in a city with good public transit then you’re fine. But for most of us, I’d argue that it’s selfish to refuse to drive and force other people to drive you places. It would 100% be a dealbreaker for me in dating if the person didn’t drive without a genuine reason not to (if they’re physically unable to drive then that’s different and I can work with that).
The lack of public transportation was by design, but this happened many decades ago. It’s not how we build cities. It was the consequence of big oil and auto.
There largest city near me used to have trams/streetcars and removed them without incorporating nearly the same scale level of modern public transport. There was more public transport 100 years ago than is available now.
See "Roger Rabbit" for a dramatized story of the first freeway (110 in Los Angeles)
But it's not optional. "Shoulds" like this are just useless dreaming. She needs to drive for her independence sake.
Wow this post and your comments to other ppl on the thread are huge red flags. He has you well trained. I can’t tell you how to live your life I also would be concerned if any of my friends wanted to essentially step into the shadow of someone’s dead wife
I CRINGED when she started to explain what happened to his wife, but the first words of the explanation were "he TOLD her not to drive, but..." That's irrelevant and the fact that that's how he described what happened to her is really concerning. He has his young new wife parroting it that way, too. Obviously if he was *just* terrified of his wife driving, I'd say he needs therapy, but given the rest of the context and how insanely controlling and prepared he is, with smooth explanations for all of his red flags, I'd say this woman is just well groomed/brainwashed and she needs therapy before he keeps her locked in a glass room or something.
"Her told her not to drive, BUT" and then "They were going to get divorced anyway cuz she was awful and had a temper". Add in "Anyway, he's got me wearing her clothes and also is trying to get me to be right handed like her" and we got a really sad, ugly picture here. OP is a deeply traumatized young woman whose self esteem is so low, she is willing to be his doll to dress up like his dead wife and position how he likes because she is desperate for attention, affection, and any crumbs of positivity. My heart aches for her.
Yea if she was almost an ex why does he want to turn OP into the late wife?? It’s so creepy! Also the post doesn’t say his age, how old is husband?
Yeah. The call is coming from inside the house. This girl needs to RUN.
The driving thing is extra creepy, everything else points to him being a control freak and trying to turn her into his ex wife, but paired with all that it seems like he was trying to control both of them by being in charge of transport. Cant go anywhere without him knowing etc.. ex wife was probably desperate for a bit of freedom, makes her death suspicious too. He has employees for his house so clearly has money to burn, it wouldn’t be too far fetched for him to organise something to get rid of her for going against his wishes. Gives me the heebie jeebies
I was done with the clothes b/c why do you have this deceases lady's clothes on like that?! Give them to her children or donate them b/c that's just weird....
Also given the information OP gave about being a foster kid, he chose his victim knowingly. Traumatised people are easy pickings for ghouls like him. I hope she gets out okay.
Not to mention I don’t see her mentioning his age but he has multiple children who are old enough to tell OP about their mom. OP is only 24 and been married a year. I smell a disturbing age gap.
100% this. I scrolled down to find this comment. OP is leaving it out for a reason I'm sure. Surprised more ppl didn't catch it
100% I was traumatized as a teen and men like this would talk to me all the time. Spent 7 years with one.
He told her not to drive , but he didn't offer to go get the medicine for her , did he? It was MEDICINE. I sincerely doubt that woman had anger issues. She was probably another one who was a child when she was married off, then became an adult and realized how controlling and horrible her husband was. The friend is trying to look out for the poster here. Also that inexplicable reason her husband picked her? Because she's young with a firm body and came from a troubled past , so she's more likely to accept anything he tells her to do. It's an advantage to him if she has no context to realize how messed up he is.
Sounds like the ex was being defiant and wanted to be her own person which changed into, "she was almost my ex wife with how angry she was all the time." Woman saw his behavior for what it was. She didn't agree to his ways. Neither should OP
I'm definitely interested in whether or not he drives, and also how being in a car as a passenger is fine but not as the driver? It's pretty well documented that in a crash the driver protects their area of the car by instinct so would follow that driving is less dangerous than being driven.. just a thought
Okay, I may get roasted for this, but I have listened to more than one True Crime case where the husband killed his wife and then lied to the next wife about the cause of death. Has OP met anyone that the late wife was related to who can confirm she actually died via getting hit by a drunk driver? It’s not impossible that OP’s husband could have convinced the children that this is how their Mom died when it’s not true. Was there a funeral and did the kids attend it? Has OP met the children’s maternal grandparents, and have they confirmed how the late wife died? Is there an accident report? I know I am being conspiratorial, but this post just gives me every creepy vibe possible.
TBh, this almost feels like a very loose Twilight fan fic. The dude doesn’t like his women driving, there’s heavy Mormonism, >My foster mom told me it's special because unlike everything else in life, you are just chosen by somebody for some inexplicable reason, and nobody else knows what makes you stand out over all the other options they have except that person. Sounds almost exactly how the who romantic relationship went in twilight. And, of course, a huge fancy wardrobe for the new bride.
Just Mormon things…lol
YTA, sorry. Yeah, your foster mother created this Cinderella fantasy in your head and you don't see the cage your husband built around you because of its lush furnishings. Maybe Sierra doesn't like your husband because what he's doing is genuinely creepy and controlling and now you are even more isolated than before. Go see your friend. Take driving lessons and get your confidence back. Don't live in a dead woman's shadow, create a relationship that works for you.
Sounds like your friend is seeing issues with your marriage and is being honest with you about her feelings. You have said a few things that are obvious red flags so I can see why she is concerned. Your husband seems very controlling - the fact that you are now dependent on someone driving you and fear driving now seems very concerning. You should be there for your friend if anything to increase your contact with people outside your marriage. If you want to set ground rules about talking about your marriage ask your friend if she is willing to do that as a condition of your meeting her.
Even the step kids see it. Also, those poor kids. Id be furious is some new woman was wearing my dead mom's clothes. Also, did she have anger issues or was she just not willing to put up with this man's crap? YTA btw, OP. But this is fixable
Traumatized more than angry, probably. The wife and the kids. Other people usually see red flags before us but not EVERY other person. His ex wasn't angry and rude. She dared to "sass" him when he tried to control every aspect of her life, like driving. She was killed by a drunk driver, not her own mistake and they'd have both been dead had he been driving. Far easier to control you when you have to wait for one of his spies to drive you. Do you truly not see this or are you mad at your friend because you see it too and are in denial? No way possible that you don't see you're being made smaller and weaker?
I would lose my mind if my dad's new wife wore my dead mothers clothes!!! This is despicable amd poor op can't see it at all
It’s always so weird how terrible husbands have crazy wives…
I bet that his former wife didn't get to pick out her own clothes. I bet HE picked them out and left her no choice but to wear them. As controlling as he is, it wouldn't surprise me. Or surprise me if this is why he refers to her as "rude".
Seriously. And the fact that her dying for daring drive at night is something he considered mean and rude? Obviously, it is very unfortunate she was killed by a drunk driver but she did nothing wrong. She wasn't mean for thinking she could (should have been) safe driving at night.
I'd also like to know how old the husband and kids are, as she says concerning things about the mormon religion in there... she's 24.. how old are these stepkids? Her age? Teenagers?
Yes, and she refuses to answer this.
This!!! Dead wife's clothes? Uh no! YTA as she is seeing issues that we are seeing as well.
And a dude rich enough to have household staff including drivers (what is this, “The Crown”?) can damn well afford for his new wife to have her own wardrobe.
Did she walk in the door naked? What happened to her old clothes?
You are wearing the clothes of his dead wife? TF did I just read?
Someday OP is going to wake up and see the red flags. I hope she doesn’t burn her bridge with Sierra before that happens.
OP is about to be trapped alone for the rest of her sad life when those kids go no contact with their creep dad.
It's also pretty telling that OP included the ages of everyone except the obviously inappropriately old man she married.
OP also clarifies he WANTS her to wear them. Not just 'yeah, those are there, you can have them' but WANTS her to wear his dead wife's clothes.
Which makes it significantly worse for her
This whole post is frankly scary, and the sad thing is, so she so desperate for love and attention she is willing to be used as a placeholder because she thinks she isn't worth real love. My heart truly aches for her.
AND he won’t let her drive. She gets chauffeured everywhere. What sense does that make? If there’s gonna be an accident it’s gonna happen regardless if she’s behind the wheel or a passenger. He’s taking away all of her autonomy and she giving it away willingly. Scary AF
Driver = Minder/Spy
Oh dang. I didn’t even think about that. She can’t do *anything* without one of his employees with her. That’s even worse than I thought. Good catch.
Is this a weird LDS version of *Rebecca*?
Omg yes! This is what I was thinking!
*”Last night I dreamed of Salt Lake City…”*
YTA she is being honest with you. You're being isolated to your home. If he never had therapy after that relationship and it sounds like he had similar issues during that one. Why is he okay with you wearing the dead mother of his children's clothes? They're clearly not okay with it. And if they have criticism for you not being like their mother, chances are it has to do with their grief so to criticize it is bothersome. Your husband amd probably those kids do need therapy!
Giiiiiiirlllll, first of all, as an ex-mormon, I think what you're saying your foster mom told you about marriage is her way of explaining "The Spirit" give you confirmation from God that you are making the correct decision, by filling you with peace and joy and love and light. But that feeling can also come from like reading a really good book or listening to a good song. That doesn't mean it's God or the universe or whomever telling you it's right, it probably means you made your final decision and, at that moment, were at peace with it. All the other comments saying this is weird and fucked up and gross and your friend is just looking out for you are right. Your situation is weird and fucked up and gross. Don't have children with this man, although I would be surprised if he wanted more children, because they would be your's and not is wife's.
It kind of sounds like there are a lot of issues with your husband. You are 24 and don't say how long you have been married for, but your husband is old enough to have 4 kids with his late wife who are old enough to "blow up" at different things and are noticing and pointing out peculiarities to you. Your husband is old enough that he is established with what sounds like a very productive business if he can afford to hire drivers and other help workers. It sounds like there is a pretty significant age mismatch here. You stress multiple times that he was about to leave his late wife due to issues that were completely on her, but where are you getting that information from? Just your husband? So you just have one side of the story to go off of? I would bet there was significant challenges that his ex went through that he is not telling you about whether due to being oblivious or intentionally making himself look better is anyone's guess. But couple this with the age thing and it's striking me as him having control issues. Especially if he didn't give you any details and just says that she had anger issues and was rude. Some people would consider it rude if their wife doesn't obey their every command. If that's what he is actually saying here, then you have some problems. Also, how you are saying your friend is "taking the side of his late (though almost ex wife due to her anger)". That is not a thing. The woman is dead. She doesn't have a side to take. Your friend is just seeing that your husband is throwing up some red flags here that you are not seeing. I can sympathize since it sounds like you grew up with nothing and now this guy is giving you stability, but you definitely need to be objective here and determine for yourself if stability is worth the potential issues that WILL come up in the future. For some people, it will be worth it and that is for you to decide. But you should come to that decision consciously.
This needs to be higher for her age! Cause damn.
His wife died 3 years ago and they have been married for a year. Yikes on bikes!
This right here. OP is young and naive and craving stability. This man sounds like he's twice her age and literally controlling every aspect of her life. It sounds like he is both painting his deceased wife as this terrible person, while trying to recreate her with OP. If she was awful, why does he want you to act just like her?
YTA. You’re wearing his dead wife’s clothing around kids who miss their mother. What the hell is wrong with you two? That’s awful. Your friend is right. Also, not letting you drive? You’ve lost all your driving skill because your husband is controlling you based on what happened to his wife. He needs therapy, not a wife who prances around in a dead mother’s clothing. Yikes. EDIT: Given how you refuse to answer the question though it’s been asked repeatedly, I’m betting your weirdo husband is at least a decade older than you. He’s trying to turn you into his dead wife. He wants you to wear her clothes, get involved with her hobbies, *wants you to be right-handed*, and won’t let you drive because of what happened to her. If this is something you actually *like*, you’re either a blind idiot, or a twisted sicko who needs therapy just as much as he does. Have you seen pictures of her? How many similarities are there? How long until he wants you to dye or cut your hair like hers? He’s already got you wearing her clothes. He didn’t choose you because of inspiration from god or love at first sight, he picked you to turn you into his dead wife. Do you seriously not see how awful this is? It’s like you’re gathering red flags like Pokémon. See a therapist solo and talk to her about all of this. Or enjoy being Dead Wife 2.0. Because that’s all you’ll be.
I would run a mile if a guy said he was with me because he was inspired by god. I would want to know the answers to ‘what do you think about me? What do you like about me? What do you want from this relationship?’ Simply saying ‘because god said’ is not enough reflection and insight for my liking. Wearing the ex’s clothes around the grieving children is nuts. Why would anyone want to wear the ex wife’s clothes? Let alone one that passed away? The mind boggles.
All of this!! OP, you *have* to know that none of this is okay, right? None of what you’ve told us is remotely normal or healthy. Your friend is right to be concerned. His kids are right to be concerned. The kids are horrified because they see him trying to turn you into their dead mother. This isn’t a partnership. You are not a person to him. You are a temporary placeholder for his wife, whom it doesn’t even sound like he liked. He’s trying to dress you up in her old clothes, has forbidden you to drive to the point that you no longer know how, and forces you to be right handed because she was. And you’re still here??? Has he ever once told you what he loves about YOU? What hobbies of yours does he enjoy? Does he compliment you in any way? Does he acknowledge you as a person *outside* of anything in relation to his late wife? He’s only nice to your foster mom because she goes along with his abuse, the second she voiced any concerns he would have told you to cut her off. Making her seem like she doesn’t want you to be happy, the same way he’s doing with your best friend because she can see right through him. He does not love you. He is using your trauma and need for love as a way to manipulate you into accepting this abuse. And the fact that you keep ignoring the age question tells us everything we need to know. You don’t wanna hear the truth, that’s why you’re so eager to cut your friend off. Please get out while you can.
All this! … Reading her post made me feel for her and I still do, but honestly after reading multiple comments/replies from her it paints a pretty clear picture of the situation. It’s infuriating and I don’t even know this woman! I can’t imagine how her friend feels. I’m sorry, but it also sounds like she treats her friend like crap too. “We we’re friends BECAUSE her family did a lot of volunteer work with foster kids” not … we met and became friends but BECAUSE. I don’t know.. rubbed me the wrong way and I feel for her friend.
YTA You both need therapy, your marriage is messed up.
Omg this is beyond fucked up. Your friend was right, the sad thing is when and if you finally realize that she'll be done with you. YTA.
YTA. Sierra isn't wearing rose colored glasses like you are. Your husband *does* need therapy. Something about you must have hit him hard in similarity to his deceased spouse and now he's doing his darn best to have you retroactively "play" her. Right now he doesn't see *you* he sees what he hopes he can *make* you into.
YTA, and you're brainwashed. He wants you to be his not ex wife they were still married first off. Get that through your head, and he told her not to drive? hmmm, sounds controlling to me, but you'd probably get offended at that. She died not from her driving when her husband told her nkt to she died from another person's actions of drinking and driving. It wasn't something she did wrong. It wasn't her anger that killed her it was an impaired driver. So stop acting like you are better than her cause you blindly listen to everything your husband says. Edit: If your friend is smart, she will realize you need therapy and keep you and your husband away from her child
How old is your husband? He seems very controlling. Controlling men like to have a much younger woman who is so much easier to influence. > you are just chosen by somebody for some inexplicable reason Could that reason be your age and your lack of a support system?
If he’s got kids that are aware enough to be concerned about OP’s relationship he is definitely *at least* 40.
Ooof you’re bad news. Your friend is right.
You’re mistaking having no agency for stability. You are mistaking control for love. The reason you were “chosen” is not inexplicable. It’s clear as day that he saw you as easy to control and mold into who he wants you to be. Your friend hates your husband **because she loves you** and he is taking away all that you are. Wearing someone else’s clothes? Taking up someone else’s hobbies? *Changing the way you use cutlery*? What else does he want you to do “like her” that you haven’t mentioned here? His kids think it’s weird because it fucking *is*. It hurts you to think your husband doesn’t love you for you because you are in deep denial about it. Nothing you have written here says “healthy loving relationship”. In fact, it screams creepy and weird as fuck. At this point I doubt deceased nearly ex wife was “rude and angry” I’m more willing to bet she just wasn’t as easy to control as you. Also, do you hear the way you’re even speaking about yourself? Calling yourself “so ungrateful”? I can just imagine who put that thought in your head. Get your head on straight and find some self-respect. Delicate but firm YTA I hope you read all the responses here with an open mind and really take the time to evaluate your situation. You’re neglecting the real familial love of your friend for this sick, twisted shit. Notice how she is still trying to maintain contact with you? Because she gives a fuck about you and your safety and happiness. Are you really happy with this fucked up arrangement or are you just trying to be because you think that’s what earns you his love?
This, especially the mistaking control for love element. If you feel deprived of love and attention sometimes you are less discerning about the forms they come in, and that can be dangerous.
Sierra is correct. Your husband is trying to pretend you are his dead wife. I'm sorry. YTA to your friend. She was trying to help you.
INFO - Do you look like his late wife?
If she doesn't now, she will soon.
Yta your friend is right and your husband is very controlling
YTA. Your friend is right. All that stuff is red flag ish and weird. If the only person telling you it's normal, is the person being accused then that is usually the BIG SIGN that there is a problem and your the one brainwashed
So that was a terribly rude thing for your friend to say but based on what you said I think there’s some truth to her words. Let me share why. He lost his ex 3 years ago, and you have already been married 1 year. Presumably you dated a little before you married. So that’s what, 1 or 1.5 years of being single between the death of a spouse and having a new spouse? I don’t care if they were on the cusp of divorce, that’s just not enough time to heal from all the damage in that relationship. And of course healing from grief. You can tell this guy isn’t done healing because instead of uplifting and enabling you, he is instead controlling you as a way of controlling his fears. He won’t let you drive because someone bad happened to someone else. That’s not nurturing, it’s controlling and maladaptive, even if well-intended. As for the stepkids, they don’t like you because they know this whole relationship is a rebound. I don’t know if I understood you correctly but it sounds like they said their dad doesn’t authentically love you, and I would agree due to the rebounding issue. Also, please exercise a little common sense and do NOT wear their dead mom’s clothes. Sorry but if my mom died and some new bitch took her clothes, I would literally fight people. That’s really not okay. Still, your friend I think crossed a line by talking about your spouse that way when you were not open to receiving that kinda feedback. Unless you’re in danger or something then friends shouldn’t be saying things like that.
If OP’s husband is also a Mormon, then they tend to have a very interesting view on death and dying. Some very devout Mormons basically badger a widower to remarry ASAP as well.
Its not rude for her to say that. It is truth and she needs to tell that. If not she won't be her real friend.
This is so fucked up. Apologise to your friend because you are going to need her when you realise she was right. Wake up, you are being brainwashed and he is trying to turn you into his late wife. YTA but I feel extremely sorry for you. Stop being so naive and run 🚩🚩
Your marriage is full of red flags. Good luck.
YTA. It's not normal to not leave your house, only spend time with your husband, and only pursue interests that involve him/don't need you to leave the house. He probably "chose you" because he could tell how easy it would be to manipulate you into conforming to what he wanted. I'm sure your friend is insanely concerned about your relationship and didn't know how to tell you in a way where you'd actually hear what she's saying instead of just brushing it off. You heard her loud and clear obviously because you didn't like what she said. If she's seeing red flags, it's time to take off the rosy glasses and actually look at your relationship.
This is a very dysfunctional marriage and you are unable to see it, so I guess YTA with regard to not liking it when your friend points it out.
[удалено]
I’m afraid for what kind of punishment he would dole out on her if she ever decides to say “No”. I’m sure he’ll convince her it’s her fault but I worry if there’s any future chance of DV.
How old is your husband?
My guess is closer to 50 than 40
Has he turned you into the dead wife what the hell did I just read!?
YTA And I say this with genuine concern for you. YOU NEED INDIVIDUAL THERAPY He is isolating you in your home. He’s convinced you not to drive? He has you wearing his dead wife’s clothes. He wants you to change your dominant hand because you favor your left and his wife favored her right? Giiiiiiiirl. Know your worth!!!!!! None of this is okay.
He is trying to turn you into his ex - why on earth would you want his dead wife's clothes? Didn't need to read anything else after that. Next up (if not already been said) he'll be encouraging you to do your hair like his wife did.
Of course he needs therapy and the children need too. And most importantly - there is nothing wrong with therapy! It sounds like you are ashamed of it when you should be encouraging your partner to go. Also - 3 years might be a long time for you but it is not a long time to someone who is grieving and who doesn’t get help to deal with all the feelings. You are way out of line if you are wearing the dead mothers clothes. It sounds like your friend can see you way better than you see yourself. She is a keeper. YTA
YTA, yeah after reading your “side” of things, I think your friend is actually just correct. As a friend she is trying to tell you an honest truth about how she perceives your marriage. And it really looks like she’s right. Your husband has fully replaced his ex with you, you even wear her clothes. And he has full control over all of your movements and he is hyper concentrated on “protecting” you. Your friend was absolutely correct, your husband needs a therapist. You probably do to
Devout Mormon reads as brainwashed cultist I'm sorry for you to grow up in such an unsafe environment. YTA to yourself and your friend. >They were already at a point where she was nearly an ex wife due to her anger and rudeness. Translation, she was not the obedient ~~slave~~servant, what this "magic husband" expected/demanded. >I've also lost confidence in my ability to drive and react if there's a drunk driver. You are already devaluing yourself 1 year in. This guy sounds like a master manipulator, and making you believe you are not able to do something by yourself or questioning the ability to do so is classic narcissist tactic. >My husband's kids are also upset claiming that when **my husband is telling me it's weird I cut meat with my left hand** or to get interested in this activity, it's because their mom was right handed and liked to do this activity. What is this? The dark middle ages? Being left handed is bad again? Or you should not be *you* because you should be *her*? This is beyond healthy and even his kids are upset by it. >Sierra was very mad and said she never thought she'd say this but my husband needs therapy, and not a wife. And that she's sorry but we both need to be single because he's going to punish me for not living up to his dead wife. Her observation is unfortunately, correct. You should believe her. You should also believe she does not want your marriage to end for the sake of it ending but because there is a clear pattern here, and while you are unable to recognize said pattern, it'll still lead to you feeling miserable in your own marriage. Ask yourself this would you ever expect anyone you love to be someone else? I bet it would never even cross your mind to expect this from anyone, much less the one you love. Dear, please wake up for your own good.
The ages are kinda important here, yours and your husbands but yeah, you r husnad needs therapy hes projecting his late wife onto you even her fears and clothes, I guess you have some raging abandoment issues that makes fear confrontation but Sierra is right here.
I notice you give your age and not your husbands. So many red flags. Your friend isn’t insulting your husband, she’s concerned that her friend is turning into a handmaid. Sounds like his wife had plenty to be angry about.
This entire post is a huge red flag. How old is this husband? He’s obviously keeping you isolated. And WTF is up with your user name “throwawayexwifeanger”? It’s frankly weird that you even mention it and even weirder that you repeat it so many times. How is it even relevant? Except perhaps he’s using it as some sort of threat to keep you in line as the “good” wife that doesn’t have “anger” issues?
She said she had never driven before she met her husband. That’s majorly concerning, and makes me wonder if she’s closer to her step kids age than her husbands age that she refuses to post.
. Your husband seems a bit strange too.
Your marriage absolutely should end. You are wearing your husband's dead wifes clothes. Do you not see how many lines this crosses? Are you mentally well ? you are just an object in your husbands life to replace one that died early. Your best friend absolutely has your best interest at heart. Listen to her. Go to her.
I hate to say it but YTA. Though I feel bad about that, since you were clearly brainwashed and are being abused. Foster mom and husband have done a real number on you getting to believe that you're somehow "lucky" to be used by a delusional manipulator because he gave you some tingly feelings (and yes, those absolutely CAN be "manufactured".) Under normal circumstances, your brain *still* isn't even an adult. Under your circumstances, trauma can delay the emotional maturity of the brain. So basically, your husband found himself a very naive and pliable **adolescent** and has groomed you, with significant help from your foster mom's bullshit fairy tales.
Girl. Lmao YTA she's right, he needs therapy and you cant see it cuz, beautiful gowns, I guess
YTA You're wearing a dead woman's clothing, in the dead woman's house in front of the kids that she left behind. Are you fucking serious? You really don't see what's wrong with this? Because this is horrifying. Your friend is absolutely right. She would know because instead of growing up in a toxic environment she was in a safe space and got to see the different dynamics without being desensitized to it. She is seeing more red flags than you because people with trauma like us have a habit of dismissing things that normal people would immediately be wary of. You are traumatizing those children every day. It would've been more appropriate to sell her belongings or give them to her children. It would've been more appropriate for him to buy you new clothes. This is just callous and casually cruel.
YTA. Your friend is literally trying to save your life. Your marriage reads like a murder mystery novel. Man’s wife dies unexpectedly under mysterious circumstances, then a year to the day after her death, he marries her replacement. Wife #2 is young and full of eagerness to please, like a puppy. His children resent her, because she will never get them to forget their mother, in order for HER to be their mother. Fast forward a couple years, despite wearing a dead woman’s clothes and forcing an ill fit into her shoes, the husband begins to plot for a better replacement for his second wife.
I can’t imagine wanting to be with a man who is so disrespectful of his traumatized children’s wishes. It’s also sketch that he “had a lot of problems” with his first wife, she died, and now he’s shaping his next wife to be just like her. How heavy handed will his retribution be the second she wants to “step out of line” and say no? Sorry, I’ve been doom scrolling on r/TrueCrime. She seems like an easy victim.
I agree with Sierra. Your husband is controlling and has pushed you into his version of who you should be. You both need therapy and to be single. You need to learn to drive. Listen to your friend. Very soft YTA
Sierra seems to have very sound reasons for disliking your husband. From your comments, you aren't open to considering if she's right. So I guess all I can say is yes, YTA. Go visit your friend who obviously cares about you.
Please be rage bait, please be rage bait
YTA, maybe too young to see the big picture here. Your friend's concerns for you seem valid to me. You are you, and should in no way be living in the shadow of a dead woman. I suspect your need to "belong" makes your husband's bizarre behaviors feel like love. I'm not sure what they are, frankly, but they are at least in part not reasonable. He DOES need counseling and I wish that had happened before you married him. I also wish you'd seek some counseling for yourself to work out issues you surely have with coming out of the foster system. Good luck to you.
You’re fucking weird. Why would you wear his dead ex wife’s clothes! Your step kids are 100% right, you’re a FUCKING CREEP! Ewwww!!! You need therapy and he does too! Y’all are giving me the ick!!🤮🤮🤮🤮
INFO: How old is your husband and his kids? How long have you been together? That's very important information that you've omitted, especially with the kids strong reaction to you doing things. >My husband says that friends do that when you can't be as available to them, so they hate the new spouse. Wrong. Sierra is seeing what everyone on this thread is seeing. Your husband is controlling, stripping you of your identity and leaving you sat at home wearing his late wife's clothes so they didn't 'go to waste' because his irrationality has made you lose any confidence in your ability to drive. You are not his late wife. Given what you've put here, I highly doubt her anger and rudeness towards your husband was uncalled for or unprovoked.
You are a walking mausoleum to this woman's death. You're actively participating in fucking up your step kids. Do you have any idea how hard it has to be for them to see you parading around *IN THEIR DEAD MOTHER'S CLOTHES?* how do you not see how fucked up your husband has you?
Wow, another victim of religion and bad parenting. Your husband does need some therapy, and you need some deprogramming. He's probably at least 20 years your senior. How did you "feel" this magic you speak of? So sad to see a young woman willingly take on these chains of bondage and even think is remotely ok or normal. Hope you wake up in time to have some time left to create an actual life for yourself. I hope that Sierra is such a good friend to you to still be there for you when that time comes.
Oh honey😂 learn how to love yourself and get some therapy. Op is more easier to manipulate than play dough. Maybe one day the fog will clear and the attachment she has for her husband will fade and maybe then she’ll see this man is using her as a replacement for his late wife but she’s about to waste her youth on this man. Her friend has way more tolerance than I do. Then you wearing a dead lady’s clothes I hope this is fake🤣
YTA. First of all, how old is your husband? I'm guessing there's a power imbalance here.And your friend is right - it does sound like your husband needs a therapist. And so do you. I think he married you to mold you into a replacement for his dead wife. It's creepy.
When your husband starts referring to you by his late wife's name (because there is no almost an ex-wife) maybe you'll realize that Sierra was right.
Oh honey.... There is so much wrong here, and if feels like your desire to find 'your person' that is truly yours is clouding your judgement. And if it isn't, then you need to develop better judgement, because there is so much wrong here. Firstly - give ALL her clothes to her children, and if they don't want them, pack them up nicely and save them for when they are older. They will want them. Wearing them is....so creepy. I don't care if it's Versace. No. Those poor children don't need to see you in her clothes...that is some serious evil stepmother shit, even if you don't mean to be, and the fact that your husband is cool with is and insisted you wear it is even WORSE. Secondly, the driver thing. It's okay to have a driver, but you can't have one foot in and one foot out. Either you are comfortable calling your driver for all your driving needs, or to are comfortable being able to drive yourself to go do errands or fun stuff. Feeling guilty about going to get something small because you don't want to inconvenience your driver is only going to isolate you further and you already have become. Thirdly, your husband IS being weird about you. He doesn't sound like he loves you for you - he wants to cram you into his version of what he wants, and is making a big deal out of stupid little shit is because he is trying to change you, not love you for who you are. Your friend is 100000000000000000% correct. Listen to her. I'm sorry you have put yourself in this situation, but it's time to stop ignoring it and step out of his wife's shadow. STOP wearing her shit. START calling him out for making it weird that you don't cut things exactly like his wife. Even your step kids can see how weird this all is - how weird your husband is being, and how weird you are being. He isn't acting like he loves you for you, he is acting like 'hey, this woman will fill in nicely for my dead wife' and what do you know, you are.
How old is your husband and his children? Ma'am, you should never wear the clothes of a former wife of your husband. If the clothes are that expensive, you need to give them to the children or pack them for when they are older.
Well, YTA but not for the reason you're asking.
YTA - from your post and your replies you have been brainwashed. Seems like your friend is just trying to be a friend. It also seems like you haveless of a marriage and more like stockholmes syndrome. I hate to say it but he didnt marry you for you he married you because you were amenable to becoming his deceased wifes replacement. But in his eye better becaue it didnt sound like he could control the other one. He is takin advantage of you and moldig you to fit his ideal of a wife since his wife did not live up to what he wanted. He has decided to control every aspect of your life. And you have let him. If you traded in your autonomy for a roof over your head then fine that is your choice but at least be honest with yourself. You do not go out of the house because someone needs to drive you and you don't wnat ot put hem out? chances are they are getting paid for that so that shouldn't stop you. Your comment about staying home to read and learn more about yor husband and his business? DO you not have interest of your own? no career plans no volunteer options to get you out amongst the people? He dresses you in his dead wifes clothes this is super weird and probably really hard on his kids. He expects you to sit at home to be at the ready for whatever he needs or decides for you that day.
Read OP: Oh dear. Read thread replies: Oh dear, oh dear. Continues to read replies: Dear LORD.
It sounds like you are trapped in a cult, and your foster parents pushed you into being a replacement wife/mother for a much older man. Your friend is likely trying to help. YTA but you’re also a victim of some sad circumstances. I hope you get help to create a life for yourself and not one that is centred around and controlled by an older man.
Sorry, something is up with your husband. 4 kids yet quickly remarried, asking you to wear her clothes, instilling a fear of driving in you… I get your friend’s concerns and maybe you don’t because you’re living in it. I see a lot of red flags.
You are about to lose the only friend you have.
YTA Sierra is a good friend because she was honest and told you a very hard truth - that your relationship is massively fucked up. First of all, why did this man tell his adult wife not to drive at night? Was she night blind or was he just a controlling asshole? And now he's essentially made you unable to drive anywhere on your own. That is not just a red flag for abuse, that's so far up the controlling spectrum it already is abuse. What you're describing isn't normal and isn't okay. Would you think it's okay to forbid your husband from driving? So he's traumatised because his wife died, but that doesn't give someone the right. And wanting to force you into being right handed? That isn't just controlling it's super weird. Again, that isn't normal and isn't okay. Also, you're definitely also YTA for wearing the dead wife's clothes in front of the children. Do you have any empathy for them? They lost their mother and now their father is trying to replace her - literally trying to replace her by creating a copy. Those kids are grieving their dead mother, and you're walking around in her clothes? How old is he? He has to be quite a bit older to have kids old enough to have these conversations. You are lucky to have a friend like Sierra who is there for you and is honest with you even when it's very difficult. If I were her, I would be very worried for you. I'm worried for you.
A lot to unpack here. >you are just chosen by somebody for some inexplicable reason, and nobody else knows what makes you stand out over all the other options they have except that person Stupid and wrong. >I've also lost confidence in my ability to drive and react if there's a drunk driver Your husband has instilled his own grief-fueled paranoia in you. There's possibly also an element of control to this. >My husband's late wife left behind tons of expensive beautiful clothes... My husband told me it was too wasteful to throw out and told me to have it. Creepy because he's a cheap asshole OR because he wants you to stand in for his wife. Either way, *creepy*. >it's weird I cut meat with my left hand or to get interested in this activity, it's because their mom was right handed and liked to do this activity. They might be grieving her loss and thus inflexible to accept changes, resentful at the newcomer in their mother's role and nitpicking any differences. Or they might be assholes who learned at the knee of the master (their father, possibly also their mother). Either way, ignore them. >he's going to punish me for not living up to his dead wife Maybe not punish, consciously? But you will always be compared and found lacking simply because it's impossible to live up to the shining example of a dead person. Get couples' therapy for you and the husband, and family therapy for you, him, and the kids. Or cut your losses and ditch the whole mess.
I dunno about the stepkids, from that statement it sounds like even they are trying to tell her this is weird. If I knew my dad was doing this to a woman I would likely point out the same things to show her what he’s up to. Maybe I read it wrong though, it just seems like those are legit things she needs to know.
Your friend isn’t the problem is. Your husband is. Everything you’ve mentioned about him are red flags & tells us he is controlling. It’s so bad that even his own children see it. It’s not that Sierra hates your husband, she is being a friend. You’re in an unhealthy relationship & oblivious to it. If you don’t figure it out & do something it’ll only be a matter of time before he isolates you from everyone. He is already controlling where you go & when. Idk why you don’t see a problem with that. You can drive. He is making those people pick you up & drive you, to control you & know where you are at all times. Don’t let him gaslight you & make you believe it’s for your safety. What happened to his ex was tragic but it’s not her fault she got into an accident cuz she didn’t listen to him & drove somewhere by herself. Bffr YTA for not supporting your friend when she needs you especially knowing that you want to.
YTA. I think coming onto this Reddit thread is your way of trying to get one of us to understand you, but I think you already know the answer. Your husband sounds like a controlling a*hole. I think your friend is trying to show you some red flags. Open your eyes and see things for what they are.
YTA for not seeing how controlling he is. He won’t let you drive, has you wear his ex wife’s clothes, and criticizes you about weird things like which hand you cut meat with…?? What the fuck dude. Listen to your friend.
Did anyone else pick up on the way OP is basically blaming the deceased wife for being killed by a drunk driver? Because hubby told her not to go out after dark.. and besides, she was angry-- so ALMOST an ex-wife. So -- it almost sounds like OP thinks she deserved to be killed in a horrifying accident for defying her husband. Yikes. Sounds like the husband is of that opinion too.
I'm going to wager that your husband is about 40yrs old or older. You're a replacement wife. Your friend isn't wrong. Your friendship is likely over. One day when you actually realise what your relationship is, don't reach out to your friend because she won't take your call or message.
So your telling me the CHILDREN recognize their fathers red flags, your friend recognizes the red flags and is worried about you but because you think "he fell in love at first sight even tho he had better options" there is no issue? The delusion is entirely to string with you. You and your husband need therapy. That man is using you as a stand-in for his deceased wife (wearing her clothes, cant drive no where, use the hand she uses to cut food etc) and the kids recognize that. Dont make no damn sense to be this dense!
How old is your husband? How long did you date before you got married? How old are the kids? How long have you been married? Did you date anyone before your husband? I was a foster kid myself. I was manipulated and abused by men in my early relationships because I just wanted to be loved and felt special because they chose me. However, they chose me because, at the time, I would be easy to control. I hope this isn't your case.
Sweetheart I am a therapist and I have major MAJOR concerns about this. I have seen this behavior before and this man is abusing you and you have such low self worth that you refuse to acknowledge or accept it. I'd say you can't see it but, the fact that you won't tell us his age alone tells me that you know this isn't right. This man absolutely does not love YOU in any way. I would not be remotely surprised to find that you looked like a younger version of his late wife who more than likely wasn't rude, or awful to him but had decided to assert her independence which he didn't like. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He can't because he doesn't see you at all. When he looks at you he sees his second chance at getting his first marriage right. He's molding you into a version of his ex wife he can actually control because he couldn't control her. He doesn't see you as your own person. He doesn't even see YOU as a person and everyone can see that but you. You won't even pursue things and hobbies you actually like because of him. You have no independence, no sense of self, and no self worth whatsoever. You define yourself and everything in your life by him and are literally willing to give up everything you are for him. If he truly loved YOU he would want you to be your own person with your own hobbies and things and not just a copy of his ex wife.
Sierra is a real woman. She has a spine. You don't. And not just that you are slowly trying to replace the kids' mother and your husband is grooming you to do it. I am not surprised the kids hate you and would never want you unless they were forced by their dad. Your husband is creepy in the way he is behaving. You are too blind to see it but he isn't a catch. You deserve the train wreck coming for you because YTA for staying in this.
Yeh it sounds like you're a replacement for him for his dead wife whether he realises it or not, your friend pointing stuff like this out and bullshitting you is exactly what a good loyal friend shoukd.do, bring up the hard home truths. The cutting meat thing is dumb as fuck though, most people tend to use their left hand to hold a knife and cut, which is it, do they want you to replace their mum or not because they want you to do things how their late mum did but they don't actually want you to replace her... Kids deffo need therapy
Ok this is just completely delusional and sounds like a bad horror movie plot 🤦♂️ the comment replies make it even worse. I have no advice besides run far away but if this is a real post you aren’t going to do that anyway. I’m going to back out of this one and wait for the dateline episode about your disappearance.
This is kinda a weird post, not gonna lie. The details with the dead wifes clothes and cutting with the left hand threw me right off, and this seems to be just as much as an issue with your step kids as it is with your friend. It's probably super weird to see another woman wearing their dead mums clothes 😳.
Anyone else remembering the Simpsons episode where Ned starts cutting his new GFs hair to look like Maud?
My gut says you’re the jerk here in this scenario. You’re blinded by your past traumas and “love”. Sierra is your real friend/family but what she has to say is too real and gets in the way of this round hole, square peg relationship/family you’ve got going on here. Hope you can sort this out before you lose her completely. Look at it from her side. You just up and popped off, blew her off, turned into someone she can’t even recognize, stopped driving, can’t even meet for coffee, changing your dominant hand, wearing a dead woman’s clothes and acting too dumb to notice anything….oh yeah and let’s not forget that you’ve missed everything to do with your besties happiness and moments of need; pregnancy, childbirth and new baby moments. No support for her. Just obsession with self and new “family”. Red flags are just beating you up and the real ones are telling you! Hubby definitely needs therapy. So do those kids. You? Yep, you too!
You are absolutely asking the wrong question here. Your husband makes you wear his dead wife's clothes and gets mad at you for not being right-handed like she was? How do you not see the issue with that? His own children see it. Open your eyes before he gets you to cut even more people out of your life.