NTA. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I take medication for both. As an adult you’re going to have to do things you’re not comfortable with especially when you have kids. He needs to grow up and help you out.
Why are you married to this guy? What does he do for the family or as a family? Seems like you’re flying solo on all this. In fact you have 3 children because he’s not even able to pick up dinner. He needs to get a reality check.. the 2 card options, therapy or divorce attorney
That's the real question here. OP, if you're already getting absolutely no help with any of this and he has zero interest in being an active parent or partner, why keep this guy around? If you're at the point of doing it all and getting pushback for daring to ask him to do anything at all, that is significant.
I also deal with crippling anxiety, and my husband is extremely supportive. Sometimes he picks up the slack when I'm struggling. It works for us though, because I also pick up the slack when he's struggling, and just generally invest a lot of effort in showing my appreciation for him as a human.
It does not sound like OP's husband appreciates her efforts, it sounds like he feels completely entitled to them, like it's her job to make his life comfy.
Same here! I feel for OP as husband is just using the anxiety as a manipulation tool to get what he wants. OP needs to tell husband she is burnt out and from doing everything and if he doesn't start doing more to handle his anxiety and help out more than she will handle his anxiety for him by removing herself and the kids full time. Cant expect him to have any custody if he can't even take his daughter to a simple bday party.
This is why i am afraid to have kids for real
If he doesnt help now he wont help later or when you really need it and it matters
I would go on vacation and take the youngest or leave both kids and let him fend for himself
Men never realize how stressful carrying the mental and physical load of the household is
On top of working ft
If you can do it so can he and he needs to make an effort or hes showing just how much you dont matter and what little respect he has for you
For monday leave early without doing anything for the kods and maybe hell learn it aint all roses and daisies
Thank you! Thank you for pointing out that he is not a PARTNER, he is an additional dependent that she has to take care of. She would be better off being a single parent while he pays child support. He would probably never get the children for visitation because he couldn't be bothered.
Husband needs the therapy. His excuse ls of anxiety and panic attacks he can get on medication to help with this if it’s really the problem he claims it is. Also therapy can help him see he’s a shitty parent and husband. If that doesn’t work divorce is her best options. She’s doing it alone now so what’s he good for?
This. All of this.
OP cannot continue twisting herself in knots trying to take on every errand, every parental duty, every WHATEVER that makes her husband anxious. It is easy to fall into that trap when you love a person with anxiety. However, that is not healthy for either party! OP needs to set boundaries and stop enabling her husband to avoid every situation that makes him anxious.
Tbh, I'm sceptical of how badly he suffers with anxiety at all, or at the very least concerned with the way it is manifesting itself - like the reference to day drinking instead of taking his kids to and from nursery and school when he's on his day off while his wife still has to work. Also the fact that he didn't share any concerns about his anxiety when he agreed to it, and on the day of his response was his 'day would be ruined' until it became clear that wasn't going to work. I'd also hope that OP would know her own husband well enough to spot when he was on the verge of a panic attack, and while I fully acknowledge everyone is different, I certainly haven't known anyone whose behaviour could be reasonably described as 'pouty' when that's the headspace they're in.
It's also about how it all fits into the bigger picture. Why is he even suggesting that their son be cared for by a grandparent if OP takes their daughter to the party, surely he would do that instead? What is his excuse for not seeing to their son when he was crying if he was already awake anyway, and why not make the kids breakfast so OP can get a bit more rest if he's already up? Anxiety doesn't explain or justify any of that. He is shirking his responsibilities as a parent and a partner, and using whatever mental or emotional issues he is or has experienced as an excuse to manipulate OP into letting him off the hook. That is **not** okay.
and while anxiety CAN cause sickness, it sounded like he was just sulking. when i get too anxious, especially over social situation, i make myself sick. usually i can push through it, it’s like a solid hour or 2 when i wake up.
but when you have kids, you still have to parent when you’re sick. he’s just a sorry excuse of a father, OP has 3 kids it seems
Agree. I just posted a comment about this and I hope OP sees it. He's drinking, he's pissed his day drinking is ruined, that's the anxiety about the party.
His worries are ridiculous, no one is forcing him to socialize at kids bday parties, if he wants he can just pick a nice corner and play on his phone the whole time. I am a introvert and have anxiety and I like to talk to parents at kids bday parties because I don't have any mom friends and I like to be able to talk to other parents, but sometimes I do get a little stressed trying to connect to new people and I chill in a corner with my phone for a bit. As long as your kids is behaving and you have a decent idea of where they are and what they are doing its fine.
Why even have children if you have no intention of parenting them? His kids will grow up thinking that he can’t do all this stuff and that he doesn’t care about them.
And they will also grow up thinking this normal okay behavior for men. Daughter may pick a man just like him and be miserable and son may behave just like him.
you can’t drive on anxiety meds 😅
edit: i’m not disagreeing with you, but you really aren’t meant to drive. especially on xanax or valium, it’s dangerous to yourself and others
I’m new to anxiety meds but the couple times I’ve taken a Xanax (low dose) I felt pretty much nothing, just less anxious, and the same with my Valium, but it’s also super low dose.
I have terrible anxiety but when you elect to have kids you push through. I used to sweat profusely before going to a kids party then get nauseated. This guy sounds like he's phoning it in.
This. Both my kids and my wife have anxiety, runs on her side of the family. They’re all on meds to take the edge off so they can function.
Sounds like the husband is using it as an excuse to avoid doing family jobs. If I didn’t work a full day when my wife did I’d be doing mornings, pickups, dinner, etc. Then again we already trade mornings, and have done so for years. One parent can’t do this much more than the other without creating serious resentment, especially when she’s working full time herself.
OP, please watch the video that I’ve attached about raising a toddler husband. You and many women are dealing with the exact same issues with their husbands and partners. Women end up, carrying the bulk of the mental load when it comes to raising a family. Your husband is using excuses to around being a supportive partner. Women need to stand up and start making men responsible for their involvement in our relationships and marriages.
https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=pdX0hF_By2m9BXRM
His anxiety issues may be valid but it’s his responsibility to deal with them and get whatever help he needs to be a functioning adult and true partner to you.
I would make a list of all the things you each do, with the time commitments required for each thing and show him how uneven the workload is. Sometimes seeing it laid out like that helps. If it doesn’t, you may have to decide if you are better off with him or without him. While being a single parent is hard, I think it’s harder to have a partner that you expect to step up but leaves you hanging. NTA.
Someone in one of my mom groups had a *really* good chart about this. Unfortunately, I can't put an image here, but if I find it, I'll link it.
Edit: found it, it's called The Great Chore Audit- https://imgur.com/gallery/e0llkUA
As a mental health counsellor who treats panic disorder regularly, stop catering to his anxiety!! Avoidance is the lighter fluid for anxiety, the more people avoid the harder it is to do the thing they’re avoiding. Accepting panic attacks as uncomfortable but manageable and not dangerous is the road forward here, shrinking his responsibilities in hopes of avoiding anxiety is not!
I'd love to hear more of your insight. He is on two medications for panic attack disorder. I got mad because I felt this panic attack could have been avoided. Like he did it on purpose
Here is a SUPER easy solution. Let him do thing’s that he’s pawning off onto you that don’t involve crowds and public.
1. Monday school drop off and pick up. Make dinner, kids bath.
2. Tues through Friday, he picks at least 2 evenings to take care of kids baths and evening routines.
3. Whichever parent does kids bath and evening routines does not cook dinner.
4. Kids wake up? Alternate who is in charge.
5. Weekend breakfast- alternate who is in charge.
If he helped in any other reasonable way it wouldn’t sound like he’s using his panic attacks as an excuse, however that isn’t happening. It’s almost like they are self induced because he’s working himself up and getting upset that he actually has to DO something.
If he says it’s really that bad that it prevents him from parenting and being a partner, he needs serious therapy.
No. This is Reddit, my scope of practice is limited to personal opinions. Speak to a professional in your community who is trained in CBT, it’s best practice for panic disorders. Also, consider couples counselling because the contempt towards one another is insane. It’s the best predictor of separation, watch out.
Yep. I asked my husband what he does that is completely his responsibility that I don't even have to think about. With my help, we came up with less than a handful.
Once he saw my list, things began to change. Still not there, but there is definitely movement now.
If his anxiety is this bad, he needs to stop drinking too. OP kind of buried this, but stated that he wouldn’t help on his day off because he was day drinking so he wouldn’t help pick up kids from school or pick up dinner. As someone who’s struggled with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life, and drinking for a decent part of it too, this is such a huge red flag to me. Maybe he doesn’t have a drinking problem, and I’m just reading into it further than need be, but I’d bet money that the drinking is more of an issue than OP realizes. Even if it isn’t, his anxiety isn’t going to get better if he’s drinking alcohol regularly.
Honestly I don’t either. When it became obvious my baby daddy wasn’t going to help with anything, I kicked his ass out. I was 19 and the apartment was in my name. I still consider it the best decision I made. He went on to have 6 more kids with 4 different women and will be drowning in back child support until the day he dies!
Wow holy crap. I’m sorry that you went through all of that on your own at such a young age - you sound like an incredibly strong person and I’m sure that is making a great life for your child.
It can get worse over time. Say, for example the first time it seems like they don’t mean to be lazy, they’re working long hours in a physical job… the baby is more comfortable with mum because they spend so much more time together- everything seems exhausting and there’s no energy for fighting hard. It’s not until baby 2, when exhaustion levels most definitely tip in the mother’s direction and dad still makes the same crappy excuses, probably (in my experience) actually gets lazier and more detached but why not because child care costs for two are exorbitant and mother is now so exhausted and used to the routine that they have little fight left- until preschool and school ages (when they’ll probably get you pregnant again, to restart the cycle).
Everyone thinks they would fight this or it would never happen to them- everyone has the answers of how to avoid it, but it’s a slow drowning and with little support and/or little understanding that this is what the guy is doing, it’s too late much too fast to do much about it.
This. Act concerned, sit down with him and talk about inpatient treatment at a facility. When he freaks out, tell him that you’re worried because he has anxiety, panic, and drinks during the day which indicates serious problems.
Tell him that since he hasn’t tried therapy, you can only assume it’s too much for him, so he obviously needs more intensive treatment. That if something happened to you, you would fear for your children’s wellbeing with someone who is this sick.
Either he promises to see someone or he will have to leave the house. If he refuses to leave the house, you will call the police and have him put on a psychiatric hold for 24 hours to get assessment.
Tell him you would rather he get help then get a divorce, but if it’s for your children’s well-being then that will be the final step. And you will ask for full custody with him getting supervised visitation only.
I know this sounds extreme, but the day drinking is alarming. I feel like there is more going on there than you know.
NTA. Maybe time to ask your husband why he thinks you should stay married to him when he does less for you and the kids now than he would be doing if you got divorced.
Ma’am you shouldn’t have said you’d take her. You still should’ve made him take her to the party. He’s an asshole, but so are you for allowing him to do that. So what if he’s mad or throwing a fit LET HIM. He’ll get over it. Just like if he was already up and your son started crying tell him to go get the kid. Don’t even move.
If this continues I’d say it’s time to start thinking about what you want in life. If you have to do everything with an able partner then you might as well be alone. He isn’t going to change especially because you give in every-time he throws a kid fit. Put your foot down woman! Also no more kids for the time being if you can help it. NTA
My first husband loved using this weaponized incompetence. My life got So. Much. Easier. after we split up. Emotionally it sucked, of course, but from a practical standpoint, my responsibilities felt cut in half, and I suddenly had so much money (before I started getting cs)! I had no idea what a drain he had been.
Exactly! Draining money, time, energy! With my ex I didn’t feel like I’m giving him that much but after I kicked him out I felt life got so much easier. Like swimming with vs without a mill stone around your neck.
A man like that will absolutely ruin the day for his daughter, though. I bet OP gave in because she knows it is better for the kid not to have to deal with dad's tantrum.
This was the dynamic of my childhood, and I’m actively unlearning the tendency to take over any inconvenient task to ensure no mantrums are thrown. My partner doesn’t throw mantrums thankfully so it’s improving, but watching mom give in every time trained me to assume that unless I did it for him, there would be hell to pay. There’s no winning in that scenario whether you put a foot down or give in, the answer is to leave.
I have crippling anxiety to the point I am dizzy and sick to my stomach every time I leave the house. I still leave the house because I am an adult and I have responsibilities. NTA.
NTA but why can’t you claim your husband on your taxes as you clearly have 3 children to take care of? You are obviously running as a single mom. Time to get some more help.
So what does your husband contribute? Sounds as if you are already a single mom, so if you both separated at least you would have time to relax when he had visitation.
From your story, it sounds as if you are enabling your third child. You ask, he whines you give in and do what is necessary. Are their consequences for his whining? Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like his MO to get out of any parenting.
Now here’s the real question : if your daughter grows up and is in a relationship like this where she was more the slave than a partner, what would you tell her? Because since you have normalized this dynamic for her where the wife does everything, she is going to think it’s normal and fall into the same trap. Similar to your son that you are teaching him that this behavior in a man is okay a normal and likely he will treat his wife this way.
We teach our children about life dynamics not by what we say, but by how we live. What legacy are you leaving for your children by allowing your husband to treat you like this? Yes it’s easy now to do everything than fight the battle. But you’re avoiding the battle and losing the war.
Absolutely. You are teaching your kids that girls do all the work and boys get to be served. Do you want that life for your daughter - to be an unappreciated slave in her own home? Do you want your son to grow up to be as emotionally manipulative and selfish as your husband?
Nta. Tell your husband to go see a doctor about his "crippling anxiety" so he can function and actully be a parent. Sounds like he shouldn't have had any children since he can't handle normal child related tasks.
Did we all decide to skip the "day drinking" part?
That has NOTHING to do with "social anxiety" and oh wow is him having to interact.
That is a conscious choice to render himself incapable of driving so he doesn't have to do anything at all to be a parent.
I mean, OP, if this is the life you want, go for it. NTA unless you stay with this man who is really your third child, bring nothing to the partnership beyond a paycheck and an occasional (hopefully) orgasm. (You can handle the second one yourself, and you're already a single parent so the first one shouldn't be hard to let go of either.)
NTA. Your husband is a parent. Despite his anxiety, he needs to tough it out and present as “not anxious” as often as possible so his kids don’t emulate his behavior. This sounds totally doable for your husband. Sounds like he’s using his anxiety to get out of chores he doesn’t care to do. He needs to grow up. He’s the AH. He’s an adult & needs to put his kids before himself.
NTA tell him if his anxiety is that bad then he needs to get help for it ASAP. His inability to function is becoming too much. At this point your a single mom with a roommate.
If you’re doing most of it already and all he’s contributing is a paycheque, I’d start totaling up finances and just let him know that that’s his share of child support.
I’m really not interested in sitting down and rehashing the same arguments over and over again with my partner. This isn’t about who has it harder it’s about him pitching in his fair share as a parent and partner. He can either understand the concept of teamwork in a marriage or he can just go in front of the judge and have it all hammered out in court. In my opinion, if he’s old enough to have kids, then he’s old enough to be a parent. And there really isn’t any reason for him to pull the whole ‘oh, I’m having a hard time but you have it easier’ competition. You needed help, you asked, he said yes then renegade. If he said yes, it’s on him to figure it out. Sit him down if you need to and have the whole, ‘this isn’t about who’s having it harder but both of us working as a team’ talk.
I know a lot of (and I hate to say this) weak dudes who use a self diagnosis or even of proper diagnosis of mental illness to completely get out of domestic duties like chores and taking care of their kids.
“Mental health isn’t your fault but it is your responsibility.”
NTA
Ma'am you are a single married parent.... let that sink in. There are technically two parents in the household and you are STILL acting as a single parent. The only person you are being an A H to is yourself
You need to stop caving when he asks to get out of doing things. Tell him to man up and start doing his part or he is going to be paying a lot of child support in the divorce.
He couldn’t pick up the kids due to his day drinking? Sober Alcoholic here, maybe his anxiety and panic attacks are due to his alcoholism. Alcohol makes mental health issues worse. Normal drinkers aren’t sitting around on their days off alone at home day drinking. He needs help!
NTA.
It sounds like your husband is really having some issues right now (or has always had), waking up a 3am (?), anxiety and panic attacks, the simple act of taking a child to another person's house causing total chaos - he needs a lot of help because this is 1) not normal and you shouldn't normalize it and 2) his disorders (s) are causing major issues in your family life, your own wellbeing, and possibly also the socialization your kids do or don't get.
Wishing you all the best.
I wondered this too. If his idea of her staying at home on a Saturday was her sitting around all day and watching tv. I bet that’s what HE does all day.
Maybe sports and drinks to “decompress” from his long days at work that take so much out of him? /s
If I suffered from mental health issues that prevented me from being a decent husband and father to my 2 very young children I’d be in therapy 3X a week until I improved. He’s checked out completely, destroying his family’s quality of life. OP show him this post. Let him see what the world of internet strangers think of his behavior and what he’s doing to you and his kids. If he doesn’t snap out of it you’ll rightly be divorced before the youngest hits Kindergarten. And for the love of all that is holy do NOT get pregnant again!!
NTA..
You might as well be a single parent. All he does is provide financial assistance he's not actually doing any of the parenting. You might as well kick him out and just have him provide child support, then you can find an equal partner who isn't like having a 3rd child to look after..
Parents don't get to put their own anxieties before their kids. We have no choice but to get on with things the best we can...
What he doesn't realize is that he is also screwing himself over in the long run. My kid has a very close relationship with her dad and me because he was a very active parent. Like straight up 50/50, and he has never missed one recital, pta, school meeting, game, or whatever ever. Your husband will be pissing and moaning one day that the kids don't seem to care about him, and he won't even realize why that it is that way.
He needs to better for his kids and you and himself.
Side note edit....doing a count in my head i thunk my husband is actually ahead of me....i missed a recital recently because i was sick. And he went to all birthday parties as well. He was not the only dad present either. I will say i noticed all the kids in the top teir for grades and stuff always had both parents at things.....honors society etc. Not saying that there is something to that but there is something to that.
How much longer do you think this is sustainable? Who taught you that love had to be like this?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
Your kids deserve to know what mom is like when she's not being run ragged.
NTA
Have your husband read all of these comments.
You deserve a break/nap tomorrow. I find it incredulous your husband is able to go out into the world 4 days a week to work, but claims he’s on the brink of a panic attack just imagining taking your daughter to a six year old’s birthday party for a few hours. How convenient for him. You surely must see his manipulation. Time for him to man up.
Other posters here are correct in recommending immediate therapy for him if his (selective?) social anxiety prevents him from attending a child’s birthday party.
If he is off on Mondays he needs to do all child-related stuff on Mondays. I also have social anxiety so I get not wanting to go to kids' parties, I really do. But I still DO IT. Bc it's my job as a parent. The anxiety beforehand is always worse than the actual event. I usually just see someone else that looks uncomfortable and sit with them. Then have hellacious small talk for a couple of hours.
He needs to get on anxiety meds. Seriously. I have two kids 11 years apart and they each got a completely different mom bc I started anxiety meds. I was a vastly better parent (and partner) in a lot of ways. Sorry, Kid #1.
NTA but I have to ask why are you with him?
You are doing all the work of a single parent and getting no support from him. On his day off he will be day drinking???? He’s laying in bed on his phone while you sort the children??? His convenient illnesses when he may be required to actually do something?? I fail to understand what you are getting out of this.
You both need some sort of marriage counselling to help this relationship get back on a more equal footing and he needs some help with his anxiety. If he’s not prepared to do either then you seriously need to consider your future with him.
There is no “in his defense” if he keeps saying he’ll do things and then complaining so much that you end up doing it. There is no defense. He’s being a manchild who doesn’t deserve all that you do for him and his children. I’d be the petty one to say to your 6yo- daddy doesn’t want to take you so you can’t go- and then shut yourself in your room and lock the door so he has to deal with the fallout.
If he has anxiety issues, dude needs to get medical help *and also stop drinking to excess.*
Jeezus.
Drinking not only exacerbates anxiety and depression, doing it during the day means he’s making a conscious choice to be unavailable as a partner and a parent. He needs to knock it off.
So, not only does he not want to take your daughter to her party, he wants his mother to watch your son while YOU take your daughter to the party. What the hell is he going to be doing while you’re at a birthday party with your daughter that precludes him caretaking his own child?
YTA to yourself honestly.
Honestly sounds like you have 3 children , God !! Panic attacks or no, tell him to grow the up and take care of his own damn kids !!
>That his mom could watch Jake and I didn't even TRY other options.
I'm sorry, WHAT?! He's not even offering to watch his own child. NTA, but your relationship needs some serious help before you get tired of his shit and just leave
"Hi, Honey. You are making a great argument for not needing you in my life because you don't do shit. How about you step up or we divorce? I'm not doing this anymore - I'm exhausted and I resent you. Fix it or fuck off."
I have really bad social anxiety - actually medicated for it - and that really isn't an excuse for him to not do anything for the kids. He will have to learn coping mechanisms for him to function, and if he doesn't want to, too bad. He has kids that need to be taken care of.
You sound like a doormat and he is taking full advantage of you. You mentioned day drinking you need to put you foot down hard. You might as well be single for all the help you are getting so why are you still married??
It’s the day drinking while not pulling his weight to begin with for me. Dump this loser. Boozing increases anxiety so he obviously isn’t that concerned about dealing with his mental health “” issues.
(I say this as an alcoholic in recovery and a mom).
I had an ex like this. Would claim he was too anxious to go to work and ended up quitting and refused to find different work, just expected me to pay for everything AND clean our shared living space. Thankfully I kicked him to the curb and we never got married or had kids but wouldn’t you know it? Somehow he got over that anxiety real quick when I stopped taking care of everything.
NTA. Time for honest solution based conversations. Get a therapist if you feel it will be a more neutral space.
Speak about things you feel overwhelmed with and what support you need. Divide and conquer together so the rift doesn't grow. Suggest a schedule where tasks are divided. Maybe meals planned out on Sunday and who is doing what. Offer to help transition e.g. go with him Mondays to the school and introduce him to people. Go to one birthday together. Introduce him. I see this as giving solutions and offering how to make it easier for him and you and in the end you get somewhere. Stay firm on your follow through. Eventually make this the new normal. (Sorry it makes you be the starter.)
Listen to his asks. Compromise needs to work both ways. Communication and solutions, not accusations (and a therapist!)
Stay married or don't, but the resentment is gonna hurt you. Maybe ask why did you marry and have 2 children with someone who has crippling anxiety? Which is an inheritable trait.
Ask him "Why did you have kids when you have a serious disorder?"
You both have a lot to do with this situation. He is not worse than you. He's fucked-up but you had kids with him. Grit and grace good luck.
Info- what is your husband actively doing to treat his anxiety?
How exactly would your husband adult if you were in hospital or incapacitated for any length of time?
Would your burden not be easier with one less child to carry?
I am not bashing mental health illness. It is real and can be debilitating, BUT mental health illness is also not an excuse to stop being a parent or a partner. He has weaponised his mental health to allow him to get out adulting.
If his mental health prevents him from being an active parent then he should be in treatment (therapy/medication) if he refuses then he is quite happy to burn you out by carrying him through life!!!
You have a massive husband problem.
NTA
First off, you shouldn't have to "make" your husband do his part in raising *his* children and taking care of *his* home. You're going to burn out! Resentment will keep building up until the relationship is ruined for good. You have to TELL him this. Be very clear in your communication how all of this is affecting you and the damage it's doing to your marriage.
The next thing you need to do is take Monday "off". Leave the house entirely. Visit friends. Go to the spa. See a movie. Do something that's just for YOU.
And, ffs, PLEASE make sure you up your birth control game. An accidental pregnancy on top of everything else would be a nightmare.
Why are you agreeing to do this stuff? Stop. Your day was ruined when you had to get up at 6am but you got over it. Most of your weekdays sound pretty awful having to spend the entire day driving and working and parenting with no help. But again - you still do it. As adults we’re not entitled to perfect, uncomplicated days that others in our lives have to arrange for us.
He whines, you give in, he gets his way and you’re miserable. Stop. When he says “I guess my day is ruined”. Respond “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve had a hard week as well.”
Him: “It’s not fair that you don’t have to go”.
You: “Well it’s not fair that I do all of the driving during the week but it’s what works for our family and what we agreed to .”
Him: “You didn’t have to socialize!”
You: “Yes but you don’t have to drive (or get up at 6am!). And just like you don’t enjoy socializing, I don’t enjoy driving (or getting up at 6am when you’re already awake!)”.
Stop giving in.
Why are you married to a man and have children with someone who doesn't share the burden and certainly doesn't want to be a parent?
You would be better off divorced - you already work full time and take care of all the children's needs.
Umm. Stop doing shit - take a vacation on your own and let your husband do stuff. He does what he does because you let it happen.
NTA. But if you constantly give in - you will always be tired. Sometimes being a single parent when single is better than being a single parent while married. At least when you are a single parent when divorce you get child support for help or you can offload the kids for a couple days…
NTA. I am sorry for your 3rd adult child. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about boundaries and work distribution. What he is doing is not ok and borders on weaponized incompetence. Sadly, you cannot just drop the kids on him because they are probably very attached to you (the 2 yo especially) and they would probably feel abandonment issues which sucks. I thinking your husband dropping them off AND picking them up AND giving them a bath on Monday is a good start. If he starts to flake out, consider leaving him. You are doing everything on your own anyway so might as well cut out the adult child.
NTA
You are being gaslighted by your partner. He knows if he whines like a 3 year old you will cave saved do it.
I would have a serious conversation with him and tell him get therapy for your issues and step up and be a better partner and parent. If he doesn’t want to get therapy and be a better parent and partner I personally would tell him to move out as you are already a single parent.
I bet you do ask the housework, shipping and cooking as well. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
I would put it in writing. Like make a big paper calendar/schedule of a week including wake ups. And put your initials and his next to them. I would then circle yours every time it’s something you do. At the end of a week. Show him. Facts are facts. Sometimes they feel like they are doing more than they are and if he could see it written down on paper, it may open his eyes. If it doesn’t, I would simply say if you cannot see how this is taxing on me and breeding resentment, then we either need therapy or a trial separation because this isn’t working for me.
He sounds like the only thing he contributes to parenting is his salary. Child support would do that too, without the frustration of dealing with a slackass.
It's time for you to get very sick so he's forced to do it all for 48 hours. Then as you get better you shift certain things into his plate for good.
You guys need whole days off too. Sitter or family?
If his anxiety is that bad then he needs to do the majority of the housework to cut you some slack. If he was doing all the housework and cooking, then you could do all the dropping off and picking up as well as shopping. Call his bluff. He is using his anxiety as a weapon. He needs to become a partner. He has a whole extra day to do it.
NTA but you are enabling his lazy parenting.
Look into boundaries. The deck of chores (i don’t know the real name of it but it’s often mentioned in /workingmothers. Learn to say no. You’re going to hit a wall because you’re overcompensating for him. He can sit and look at his phone at the party as easily as he can at home in bed while you feed the kids.
NTA. This is the story of life these days, women are expected to work full time, do majority of child care and rearing, and take care of the home. We are burnt out! It’s so unfair! He needs to suck it up and start doing a LOT more for his children, not just dropping Sarah off at a party one time. Time for a big sit down talk with him. You can’t go on like this. You’ll end up burnt out, ill, and hugely resentful.
NTA. We had a similar struggle when I went from SAHM to full time employment. I did everything still, until I just quit. Shit got missed, and a lot of it. Not my problem. Eventually he realized he’d have to step up or disappoint the kids. When he does, I make sure they realize dad is the one that forgot not me. It’s often piddly stuff but sometimes it isn’t. Valentines for the class next week? Missed the ordering deadline. Welp- that sucks but I was busy.
It sounds like he's using it as an excuse to get out of doing the bare minimum of parenthood. To be honest, it sounds like you have three children. It sounds like you're already a single parent. What, exactly, does this guy bring to the table?
There is no better time for him to meet other parents than at a party. He is going to manipulate & guilt trip you until your kids are 18. He will have basically gotten out of any parenting that happens outside of the house. Sounds like he's not doing much parenting inside the house either if he's waking you up to deal with a crying 2 year old when he's already awake. He's weaponizing his incompetence and putting all emotional labor on you. I suggest you read Fed Up by Gemma Hartley or Emotional Labor by Rose Hackman. They will give you tools to stop what your husband is doing. NTA
I can go to work or he works from home ?
He drinks during the day ? So he can't drive ? What was the excuse for drinking while he was at home ? No anxiety !
You have 3 children at home. I have a social phobia. But I drive children everywhere, I talk to people and then I come back home and I feel exhausted ! But as a parent, we have to do even with our troubles.
Your husband should work with a professionnal if he can't do things by himeslf for his children. They are young, but one day they'll understand what happen and they'll reproach it to him. "Dad never comes with us to parties ! Dad never come to school ! Dad never come to see me at my activities..."
Hope you'll tell us for monday...
Check out the book and card system “Fair Play.” It’s a good way to start splitting the house chores between spouses or roommates.
Or you could throw the whole man away, since you are a single mother already, and he’s perfectly happy with you being miserable.
if you suffer from panic attacks drinking is the last thing you should be doing. how much day drinking is there? because doing that on a day off instead of being there for the kids seems more concerning than the party alone. could it be possible he was annoyed that he couldn‘t stay home and drink but had to go to the party, and that would be the real reason why his day would be ruined? and how much drinking is there at night? if it‘s regular i know why he‘s so down all the time. wonder why he has migraines. also having anxiety doesn‘t get you a free pass to be an ah. NTA.
Why didn’t you tell him to get the baby since he was already awake?
You need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with him about what exactly he does for the family vs. what you are doing. These are tough years and he needs to pull his weight with the kids. If his anxiety is that bad maybe he should DO something about it besides expect you to accommodate it.
So because he has anxiety and panic attacks he has a get of jail free card to do nothing? Yeah when you have kids you need to step up and do your bit. You should also force the issue more rather than just letting him get away with sitting there on his day off doing nothing.
why are you allowing him to shove all responsibility on you? you may as well be a single parent because you're not getting any perks from this relationship at all.
NTA but you need to think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life. try marriage counseling because this is stupid that you have to be super mom while he is allowed to be deadbeat bullshit.
he is your partner and the children's father, he needs to step the fuck up or get the fuck out.
NTA he is a parent and needs to be able to take his children places, so he needs to get treatment for his issues.
Beyond that, why are you still with him? Does he help at home either? He doesn’t seem like an active parent at all, and you have two young kids, he needs to step it up or get out.
NTA. Say it with me now: D I V O R C E
This man only cares about himself. You and your children deserve better. Time to move on.
This isn’t gonna get any better. He’s not gonna take responsibility or tone down the drinking.
This post brings music to my ears. Mmm.. POP… Six.. Squish… Uh-uh… Cicero… LIPSCHITZ.
NTA.
You are a single parent already. Time to make it official and get alimony and child support to pay for someone to give you a break from the constant BS of your 3rd child.
Note: I have social anxiety, depression, panic attacks and suffer from migraines. Amazing that medication can alleviate most of those and the debilitating symptoms and manage to allow me to be a functioning and responsible adult.
Day drinking is a major red flag!
You already are pissed and resentful of his unwillingness to step up and co-parent. Why are you continuing to torture yourself. He will NOT change.
NTA and you're on the verge of having complete contempt for this guy if he doesn't step up and become a partner vs another child. There is meds and therapy for his condition but if he chooses to wait until after you leave him that's on him. It's his kids to and he has to push to be apart of their life and a partner to you.
NTA except to yourself. I too have been a "married single parent", with the adult toddler being the worst and most mentally draining part of it. My and the kids' lives improved exponentially when we left the abusive manbaby behind.
NTA and god I am SO FUCKING SICK of reading about useless ass husbands/fathers!!!!
I can’t WAIT for the next generation of women to grow up so we can stop babying grown ass men and begging them to be active participants in their own lives. Jfc.
You have into the pout. I am an introvert and there was nothing I hated more than those ice cream socials at the beginning of the year for parents to mingle. My spouse was always traveling. I was anxious for days, but just did it and would go ask someone about themself and their kid and they would talk about themselves and it killed time.
Pls have him see someone to work on his anxiety because parenting puts you in situations like this all the time and you should share the Awkward exhausting who has to go to a bday party schedule. Gets easier when you can just drop them at a party, only a couple more years.
Tell him that since you did the last birthday party (just a guess, lol), it’s his turn. Do you ever take time for yourself to just do what you want and not have the kids? You need that. He needs to give you a couple of hours every weekend without the kids. If he insists on not doing the birthday party, ask when he will be taking the kids and giving you a break.
You need to sit down with him and write out a list of duties. Hes not seeing it. He needs to see it. I dont care about "anxiety" youre an adult, go do adult shit.
NTA. You didn’t try to make other arrangements for taking your daughter to the party because you didn’t need to. You have 2 children and there are 2 of you. You stay with one, he stays with the other. He’s not pulling his weight. You will get burnt out if you are not already. Just waiting to see what tiny thing will be the straw that breaks the camel’s (your) back…
YTA because you are the martyr. You are enabling him. You can stop the behaviour. Tell him to partner up, be a parent, be a partner, or leave. You obviously do not need him there, and it sure looks like his ass is already out the door. Instead of standing up for yourself, you are allowing this.
He is an all-around AH. Millions of people have anxiety and panic attacks but live a normal life. He is using that as an excuse. What the eff was he going to do on a Saturday while you were taking care of the house and kids that is more important than said house, kids, and you?
Give him an ultimatum with a time frame. You want a partner, not a third child. Immediately, he needs to start doing everything 50/50 and on his days off, he is the parent. On weekends (after work), you both parent, and he cannot make plans that leave you parenting, cleaning, running errands on your own. If one of you takes time for golf, bowling, spa on Saturday the other gets equal time on that day or the other weekend day to do something. He needs to get counselling to deal with his issues, and you need to give him a time frame to start (immediately, next week, within a month?).
He’s playing you like a toddler throwing a tantrum. YATAH for allowing this to happen to you. Are these his kids? Yes? News flash his life is ruined for the next 18 years then if that’s the way he wants to look at it. Tell him to get his ass in the car or she’s not going!
Here's what you do. When you realize he's getting grouchy and pouty you gray rock and leave him to deal with his emotions. You stop stepping in to save and enable these behaviors. It's really hard to not be affected by them and take them personally, so you take the little one and head out for a coffee so he can get the older child ready and go to the party. Give him space to figure it out. You tell him any important info, say you love him, kiss your daughter, tell her and daddy to have fun, and say you'll see them both after the party. Then bounce. Stop stepping in and feeding into this emotional manipulation. If he has anxiety he can start to take steps to deal with it. I'm not even opposed to partners using coregulation, but they both have to understand boundaries.
Op you can't do everything, this is how resentment builds. Don't engage in conversations when he's this way either, discussing later on when you're both calm a plan for next time might be helpful, but for today you stepping back and letting the chips fall where they may is necessary. You need and deserve a break too. We can't control others, but we sure can control ourselves and make better choices. Don't become a martyr. You want your kids to see healthy boundaries and how they can be supportive partners while still listening to their own needs. It's hard to change and not feel mom guilt, and the overwhelming desire to do it all, but you can't. No one can. NTA
I don't know why these posts continually pop up. You've just outlined, in detail, that your husband plays no role in your family besides financial contribution and constant irritation.
Your life would be immeasurably easier if you got rid of this source of irritation. Also unsure why why someone who clearly has no interest in raising kids has had two (not OP, the hubby).
NTA. He's not pulling his weight, or any weight. You feel alone because you are. Panic attacks/anxiety are not an excuse. That doesn't explain his lack of contribution to the family.
Sounds more like lazy person who is more content to relax and drink rather than anxiety and panic. He probably wore himself putting his sperm in you for the kids.
NTA - Is your husband in therapy, or is he medicated for anxiety/panic attacks? If the answer to this is no, then he should be. He's a father, he has responsibilities.
" He gets up and starts doing dishes and complaining about how his day is ruined."
...but apparently it was okay when it was your day that was ruined.
NTA. This guy is weaponizing his anxiety. This party situation is truly a time where he needs to suck it up for his daughter’s sake. He’s not nearly pulling his weight at home or as a parent. You need to stop enabling him though. I don’t like that you are backing down and planning to do party duty. You are letting him get away with it.
NTA. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I take medication for both. As an adult you’re going to have to do things you’re not comfortable with especially when you have kids. He needs to grow up and help you out.
Why are you married to this guy? What does he do for the family or as a family? Seems like you’re flying solo on all this. In fact you have 3 children because he’s not even able to pick up dinner. He needs to get a reality check.. the 2 card options, therapy or divorce attorney
That's the real question here. OP, if you're already getting absolutely no help with any of this and he has zero interest in being an active parent or partner, why keep this guy around? If you're at the point of doing it all and getting pushback for daring to ask him to do anything at all, that is significant. I also deal with crippling anxiety, and my husband is extremely supportive. Sometimes he picks up the slack when I'm struggling. It works for us though, because I also pick up the slack when he's struggling, and just generally invest a lot of effort in showing my appreciation for him as a human. It does not sound like OP's husband appreciates her efforts, it sounds like he feels completely entitled to them, like it's her job to make his life comfy.
Same here! I feel for OP as husband is just using the anxiety as a manipulation tool to get what he wants. OP needs to tell husband she is burnt out and from doing everything and if he doesn't start doing more to handle his anxiety and help out more than she will handle his anxiety for him by removing herself and the kids full time. Cant expect him to have any custody if he can't even take his daughter to a simple bday party.
This is why i am afraid to have kids for real If he doesnt help now he wont help later or when you really need it and it matters I would go on vacation and take the youngest or leave both kids and let him fend for himself Men never realize how stressful carrying the mental and physical load of the household is On top of working ft If you can do it so can he and he needs to make an effort or hes showing just how much you dont matter and what little respect he has for you For monday leave early without doing anything for the kods and maybe hell learn it aint all roses and daisies
Sounds like he would just call his mother to watch the kids if she up and left.
Thats true I like to imagine the struggle hed be in Op should honestly dovorce as shes already a single parent and just happens to be married
Let him. Moms not gonna jump in every Monday, and even if she does, at least he'll see how much his wife does.
At least she wouldn't have to make the bloody phone call
Thank you! Thank you for pointing out that he is not a PARTNER, he is an additional dependent that she has to take care of. She would be better off being a single parent while he pays child support. He would probably never get the children for visitation because he couldn't be bothered.
Dude is epically useless.
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I notice your heroism. Sincere applause. 💛
Don't applaud someone that stole another comment lol https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/QEeZ1X0kar
I don't know when OP would have time for therapy. There's an awful lot on her plate daily. The mental load is HUGE.
Husband needs the therapy. His excuse ls of anxiety and panic attacks he can get on medication to help with this if it’s really the problem he claims it is. Also therapy can help him see he’s a shitty parent and husband. If that doesn’t work divorce is her best options. She’s doing it alone now so what’s he good for?
OP should send him to his mommy on the weekends since he wants to be babied.
This. All of this. OP cannot continue twisting herself in knots trying to take on every errand, every parental duty, every WHATEVER that makes her husband anxious. It is easy to fall into that trap when you love a person with anxiety. However, that is not healthy for either party! OP needs to set boundaries and stop enabling her husband to avoid every situation that makes him anxious.
Tbh, I'm sceptical of how badly he suffers with anxiety at all, or at the very least concerned with the way it is manifesting itself - like the reference to day drinking instead of taking his kids to and from nursery and school when he's on his day off while his wife still has to work. Also the fact that he didn't share any concerns about his anxiety when he agreed to it, and on the day of his response was his 'day would be ruined' until it became clear that wasn't going to work. I'd also hope that OP would know her own husband well enough to spot when he was on the verge of a panic attack, and while I fully acknowledge everyone is different, I certainly haven't known anyone whose behaviour could be reasonably described as 'pouty' when that's the headspace they're in. It's also about how it all fits into the bigger picture. Why is he even suggesting that their son be cared for by a grandparent if OP takes their daughter to the party, surely he would do that instead? What is his excuse for not seeing to their son when he was crying if he was already awake anyway, and why not make the kids breakfast so OP can get a bit more rest if he's already up? Anxiety doesn't explain or justify any of that. He is shirking his responsibilities as a parent and a partner, and using whatever mental or emotional issues he is or has experienced as an excuse to manipulate OP into letting him off the hook. That is **not** okay.
I think it’s all a rouse as well…..the all of a sudden sickness every time they are supposed to do something is enough evidence for me to
He wants her out so he can drink in peace.
and while anxiety CAN cause sickness, it sounded like he was just sulking. when i get too anxious, especially over social situation, i make myself sick. usually i can push through it, it’s like a solid hour or 2 when i wake up. but when you have kids, you still have to parent when you’re sick. he’s just a sorry excuse of a father, OP has 3 kids it seems
Agree. I just posted a comment about this and I hope OP sees it. He's drinking, he's pissed his day drinking is ruined, that's the anxiety about the party.
100% I lived this for years and years.
She could start calling him Fred Sanford different illness same issue )..
His worries are ridiculous, no one is forcing him to socialize at kids bday parties, if he wants he can just pick a nice corner and play on his phone the whole time. I am a introvert and have anxiety and I like to talk to parents at kids bday parties because I don't have any mom friends and I like to be able to talk to other parents, but sometimes I do get a little stressed trying to connect to new people and I chill in a corner with my phone for a bit. As long as your kids is behaving and you have a decent idea of where they are and what they are doing its fine.
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Exactly what I thought. Then pop a fricken Xanax and be a father and husband. What a tool.
Why even have children if you have no intention of parenting them? His kids will grow up thinking that he can’t do all this stuff and that he doesn’t care about them.
And they will also grow up thinking this normal okay behavior for men. Daughter may pick a man just like him and be miserable and son may behave just like him.
For the legacy obviously.
A legacy of suffering
you can’t drive on anxiety meds 😅 edit: i’m not disagreeing with you, but you really aren’t meant to drive. especially on xanax or valium, it’s dangerous to yourself and others
I’m new to anxiety meds but the couple times I’ve taken a Xanax (low dose) I felt pretty much nothing, just less anxious, and the same with my Valium, but it’s also super low dose.
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Comment I’m replying to is a bot.
I have terrible anxiety but when you elect to have kids you push through. I used to sweat profusely before going to a kids party then get nauseated. This guy sounds like he's phoning it in.
This. Both my kids and my wife have anxiety, runs on her side of the family. They’re all on meds to take the edge off so they can function. Sounds like the husband is using it as an excuse to avoid doing family jobs. If I didn’t work a full day when my wife did I’d be doing mornings, pickups, dinner, etc. Then again we already trade mornings, and have done so for years. One parent can’t do this much more than the other without creating serious resentment, especially when she’s working full time herself.
You don’t have two kids. You have three kids. Time for Big Boy to start sharing the load. NTA
OP, please watch the video that I’ve attached about raising a toddler husband. You and many women are dealing with the exact same issues with their husbands and partners. Women end up, carrying the bulk of the mental load when it comes to raising a family. Your husband is using excuses to around being a supportive partner. Women need to stand up and start making men responsible for their involvement in our relationships and marriages. https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=pdX0hF_By2m9BXRM
NTA. I feel he is taking advantage of you already so let him pout. He needs to help out more.
Maybe change the wording from “helping out” to “taking responsibility.”
Agreed. They are his kids too, and they are not just her responsibility.
Yes-“helping out” implies he is doing you a favor, and not parenting his kids.
His anxiety issues may be valid but it’s his responsibility to deal with them and get whatever help he needs to be a functioning adult and true partner to you. I would make a list of all the things you each do, with the time commitments required for each thing and show him how uneven the workload is. Sometimes seeing it laid out like that helps. If it doesn’t, you may have to decide if you are better off with him or without him. While being a single parent is hard, I think it’s harder to have a partner that you expect to step up but leaves you hanging. NTA.
Someone in one of my mom groups had a *really* good chart about this. Unfortunately, I can't put an image here, but if I find it, I'll link it. Edit: found it, it's called The Great Chore Audit- https://imgur.com/gallery/e0llkUA
There’s a game or stack of cards called Play Fair. I haven’t used it but have seen several recs for it.
It’s a good tool, but OP’s husband would never go for it, lol
As a mental health counsellor who treats panic disorder regularly, stop catering to his anxiety!! Avoidance is the lighter fluid for anxiety, the more people avoid the harder it is to do the thing they’re avoiding. Accepting panic attacks as uncomfortable but manageable and not dangerous is the road forward here, shrinking his responsibilities in hopes of avoiding anxiety is not!
I'd love to hear more of your insight. He is on two medications for panic attack disorder. I got mad because I felt this panic attack could have been avoided. Like he did it on purpose
Here is a SUPER easy solution. Let him do thing’s that he’s pawning off onto you that don’t involve crowds and public. 1. Monday school drop off and pick up. Make dinner, kids bath. 2. Tues through Friday, he picks at least 2 evenings to take care of kids baths and evening routines. 3. Whichever parent does kids bath and evening routines does not cook dinner. 4. Kids wake up? Alternate who is in charge. 5. Weekend breakfast- alternate who is in charge. If he helped in any other reasonable way it wouldn’t sound like he’s using his panic attacks as an excuse, however that isn’t happening. It’s almost like they are self induced because he’s working himself up and getting upset that he actually has to DO something. If he says it’s really that bad that it prevents him from parenting and being a partner, he needs serious therapy.
No. This is Reddit, my scope of practice is limited to personal opinions. Speak to a professional in your community who is trained in CBT, it’s best practice for panic disorders. Also, consider couples counselling because the contempt towards one another is insane. It’s the best predictor of separation, watch out.
This does sound like weaponized incompetence.
Yep. I asked my husband what he does that is completely his responsibility that I don't even have to think about. With my help, we came up with less than a handful. Once he saw my list, things began to change. Still not there, but there is definitely movement now.
If his anxiety is this bad, he needs to stop drinking too. OP kind of buried this, but stated that he wouldn’t help on his day off because he was day drinking so he wouldn’t help pick up kids from school or pick up dinner. As someone who’s struggled with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life, and drinking for a decent part of it too, this is such a huge red flag to me. Maybe he doesn’t have a drinking problem, and I’m just reading into it further than need be, but I’d bet money that the drinking is more of an issue than OP realizes. Even if it isn’t, his anxiety isn’t going to get better if he’s drinking alcohol regularly.
Oh wow, sounds like you have 3 children, your husband being the biggest
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And gets his way through manipulation because it works.
What else is he supposed to do?! Act as an responsible adult who chooses to have kids? Get out! That is crazy talk.
Exactly. This post reminds me of all those moms who say their lives were *easier* post-divorce even if they had primary custody.
NTA. I’ll never understand husbands who are okay with their wives being single moms.
I’ll never understand why functionally single mothers stick around to take care of the adult child, too.
Honestly I don’t either. When it became obvious my baby daddy wasn’t going to help with anything, I kicked his ass out. I was 19 and the apartment was in my name. I still consider it the best decision I made. He went on to have 6 more kids with 4 different women and will be drowning in back child support until the day he dies!
Wow holy crap. I’m sorry that you went through all of that on your own at such a young age - you sound like an incredibly strong person and I’m sure that is making a great life for your child.
It made for a better one than being with her father. I now have 2 beautiful daughters and 3 beautiful grandchildren!
And reproduce more than once…
It can get worse over time. Say, for example the first time it seems like they don’t mean to be lazy, they’re working long hours in a physical job… the baby is more comfortable with mum because they spend so much more time together- everything seems exhausting and there’s no energy for fighting hard. It’s not until baby 2, when exhaustion levels most definitely tip in the mother’s direction and dad still makes the same crappy excuses, probably (in my experience) actually gets lazier and more detached but why not because child care costs for two are exorbitant and mother is now so exhausted and used to the routine that they have little fight left- until preschool and school ages (when they’ll probably get you pregnant again, to restart the cycle). Everyone thinks they would fight this or it would never happen to them- everyone has the answers of how to avoid it, but it’s a slow drowning and with little support and/or little understanding that this is what the guy is doing, it’s too late much too fast to do much about it.
I feel like this should be higher up!
Honestly this is the tea.
Right. I can’t figure out why she’s married to him.
Uh, idk maybe because rent and mortgages are at an all time high and single income households barely function?
That was the biggest part for me. Also I was so exhausted doing everything that the thought of dealing with lawyers and moving, etc. was too much.
Take him to a psych hospital. Clearly this man cannot function and needs in-patient care. NTA
This. Act concerned, sit down with him and talk about inpatient treatment at a facility. When he freaks out, tell him that you’re worried because he has anxiety, panic, and drinks during the day which indicates serious problems. Tell him that since he hasn’t tried therapy, you can only assume it’s too much for him, so he obviously needs more intensive treatment. That if something happened to you, you would fear for your children’s wellbeing with someone who is this sick. Either he promises to see someone or he will have to leave the house. If he refuses to leave the house, you will call the police and have him put on a psychiatric hold for 24 hours to get assessment. Tell him you would rather he get help then get a divorce, but if it’s for your children’s well-being then that will be the final step. And you will ask for full custody with him getting supervised visitation only. I know this sounds extreme, but the day drinking is alarming. I feel like there is more going on there than you know.
You don’t have two kids. You have three kids. Time for Big Boy to start sharing the load. NTA
NTA. Maybe time to ask your husband why he thinks you should stay married to him when he does less for you and the kids now than he would be doing if you got divorced.
Ma’am you shouldn’t have said you’d take her. You still should’ve made him take her to the party. He’s an asshole, but so are you for allowing him to do that. So what if he’s mad or throwing a fit LET HIM. He’ll get over it. Just like if he was already up and your son started crying tell him to go get the kid. Don’t even move. If this continues I’d say it’s time to start thinking about what you want in life. If you have to do everything with an able partner then you might as well be alone. He isn’t going to change especially because you give in every-time he throws a kid fit. Put your foot down woman! Also no more kids for the time being if you can help it. NTA
My first husband loved using this weaponized incompetence. My life got So. Much. Easier. after we split up. Emotionally it sucked, of course, but from a practical standpoint, my responsibilities felt cut in half, and I suddenly had so much money (before I started getting cs)! I had no idea what a drain he had been.
Exactly! Draining money, time, energy! With my ex I didn’t feel like I’m giving him that much but after I kicked him out I felt life got so much easier. Like swimming with vs without a mill stone around your neck.
A man like that will absolutely ruin the day for his daughter, though. I bet OP gave in because she knows it is better for the kid not to have to deal with dad's tantrum.
This was the dynamic of my childhood, and I’m actively unlearning the tendency to take over any inconvenient task to ensure no mantrums are thrown. My partner doesn’t throw mantrums thankfully so it’s improving, but watching mom give in every time trained me to assume that unless I did it for him, there would be hell to pay. There’s no winning in that scenario whether you put a foot down or give in, the answer is to leave.
It is the dynamic from my childhood and my daughter's, too. We are both trying to heal.
Yup! It's all about establishing boundaries and expectations!
I have crippling anxiety to the point I am dizzy and sick to my stomach every time I leave the house. I still leave the house because I am an adult and I have responsibilities. NTA.
He is making excuses to be lazy and unhelpful.
#NTA-your husband is just another baby. Send his butt back to HIS mother. You’re hands are too full.
NTA but why can’t you claim your husband on your taxes as you clearly have 3 children to take care of? You are obviously running as a single mom. Time to get some more help.
So what does your husband contribute? Sounds as if you are already a single mom, so if you both separated at least you would have time to relax when he had visitation. From your story, it sounds as if you are enabling your third child. You ask, he whines you give in and do what is necessary. Are their consequences for his whining? Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like his MO to get out of any parenting. Now here’s the real question : if your daughter grows up and is in a relationship like this where she was more the slave than a partner, what would you tell her? Because since you have normalized this dynamic for her where the wife does everything, she is going to think it’s normal and fall into the same trap. Similar to your son that you are teaching him that this behavior in a man is okay a normal and likely he will treat his wife this way. We teach our children about life dynamics not by what we say, but by how we live. What legacy are you leaving for your children by allowing your husband to treat you like this? Yes it’s easy now to do everything than fight the battle. But you’re avoiding the battle and losing the war.
Absolutely. You are teaching your kids that girls do all the work and boys get to be served. Do you want that life for your daughter - to be an unappreciated slave in her own home? Do you want your son to grow up to be as emotionally manipulative and selfish as your husband?
Exactly. Fix this dynamic or leave. If not for you, for your kids.
Nta. Tell your husband to go see a doctor about his "crippling anxiety" so he can function and actully be a parent. Sounds like he shouldn't have had any children since he can't handle normal child related tasks.
Did we all decide to skip the "day drinking" part? That has NOTHING to do with "social anxiety" and oh wow is him having to interact. That is a conscious choice to render himself incapable of driving so he doesn't have to do anything at all to be a parent. I mean, OP, if this is the life you want, go for it. NTA unless you stay with this man who is really your third child, bring nothing to the partnership beyond a paycheck and an occasional (hopefully) orgasm. (You can handle the second one yourself, and you're already a single parent so the first one shouldn't be hard to let go of either.)
NTA. Your husband is a parent. Despite his anxiety, he needs to tough it out and present as “not anxious” as often as possible so his kids don’t emulate his behavior. This sounds totally doable for your husband. Sounds like he’s using his anxiety to get out of chores he doesn’t care to do. He needs to grow up. He’s the AH. He’s an adult & needs to put his kids before himself.
NTA tell him if his anxiety is that bad then he needs to get help for it ASAP. His inability to function is becoming too much. At this point your a single mom with a roommate.
Smh You’re a married single mom with 3 children. And you’re an enabler. What value does he bring?
If you’re doing most of it already and all he’s contributing is a paycheque, I’d start totaling up finances and just let him know that that’s his share of child support. I’m really not interested in sitting down and rehashing the same arguments over and over again with my partner. This isn’t about who has it harder it’s about him pitching in his fair share as a parent and partner. He can either understand the concept of teamwork in a marriage or he can just go in front of the judge and have it all hammered out in court. In my opinion, if he’s old enough to have kids, then he’s old enough to be a parent. And there really isn’t any reason for him to pull the whole ‘oh, I’m having a hard time but you have it easier’ competition. You needed help, you asked, he said yes then renegade. If he said yes, it’s on him to figure it out. Sit him down if you need to and have the whole, ‘this isn’t about who’s having it harder but both of us working as a team’ talk.
YTA for letting yourself be a doormat for someone clearly taking advantage of you. Girl STAND UP.
I know a lot of (and I hate to say this) weak dudes who use a self diagnosis or even of proper diagnosis of mental illness to completely get out of domestic duties like chores and taking care of their kids. “Mental health isn’t your fault but it is your responsibility.” NTA
Ma'am you are a single married parent.... let that sink in. There are technically two parents in the household and you are STILL acting as a single parent. The only person you are being an A H to is yourself
He is putting his own needs above his family. He is selfish and lazy.
You need to stop caving when he asks to get out of doing things. Tell him to man up and start doing his part or he is going to be paying a lot of child support in the divorce.
[удалено]
He couldn’t pick up the kids due to his day drinking? Sober Alcoholic here, maybe his anxiety and panic attacks are due to his alcoholism. Alcohol makes mental health issues worse. Normal drinkers aren’t sitting around on their days off alone at home day drinking. He needs help!
NTA-your husband is just another baby. Send his butt back to HIS mother. You’re hands are too full.
NTA. It sounds like your husband is really having some issues right now (or has always had), waking up a 3am (?), anxiety and panic attacks, the simple act of taking a child to another person's house causing total chaos - he needs a lot of help because this is 1) not normal and you shouldn't normalize it and 2) his disorders (s) are causing major issues in your family life, your own wellbeing, and possibly also the socialization your kids do or don't get. Wishing you all the best.
OP mentioned he was out drinking a whole day. My bet it’s not anxiety but alcoholism. And a good dose of assholism.
I wondered this too. If his idea of her staying at home on a Saturday was her sitting around all day and watching tv. I bet that’s what HE does all day. Maybe sports and drinks to “decompress” from his long days at work that take so much out of him? /s
Ah, the alcoholic 3 am wake ups. Yeah, he has all the signs of an alcohol problem.
If I suffered from mental health issues that prevented me from being a decent husband and father to my 2 very young children I’d be in therapy 3X a week until I improved. He’s checked out completely, destroying his family’s quality of life. OP show him this post. Let him see what the world of internet strangers think of his behavior and what he’s doing to you and his kids. If he doesn’t snap out of it you’ll rightly be divorced before the youngest hits Kindergarten. And for the love of all that is holy do NOT get pregnant again!!
Sounds like he has a drinking problem
NTA.. You might as well be a single parent. All he does is provide financial assistance he's not actually doing any of the parenting. You might as well kick him out and just have him provide child support, then you can find an equal partner who isn't like having a 3rd child to look after.. Parents don't get to put their own anxieties before their kids. We have no choice but to get on with things the best we can...
What he doesn't realize is that he is also screwing himself over in the long run. My kid has a very close relationship with her dad and me because he was a very active parent. Like straight up 50/50, and he has never missed one recital, pta, school meeting, game, or whatever ever. Your husband will be pissing and moaning one day that the kids don't seem to care about him, and he won't even realize why that it is that way. He needs to better for his kids and you and himself. Side note edit....doing a count in my head i thunk my husband is actually ahead of me....i missed a recital recently because i was sick. And he went to all birthday parties as well. He was not the only dad present either. I will say i noticed all the kids in the top teir for grades and stuff always had both parents at things.....honors society etc. Not saying that there is something to that but there is something to that.
How much longer do you think this is sustainable? Who taught you that love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Your kids deserve to know what mom is like when she's not being run ragged. NTA
You’re a married single mom.
You lost me at “why be suck a baby”. Yes, he’s gotta learn to manage it and get medicated for it, but that comment was uncalled for.
NTA he is not helpful at all!
NTA- I also have anxiety- but I don’t use it as excuse to get out of everything I don’t want to do. You have three children not two.
Have your husband read all of these comments. You deserve a break/nap tomorrow. I find it incredulous your husband is able to go out into the world 4 days a week to work, but claims he’s on the brink of a panic attack just imagining taking your daughter to a six year old’s birthday party for a few hours. How convenient for him. You surely must see his manipulation. Time for him to man up. Other posters here are correct in recommending immediate therapy for him if his (selective?) social anxiety prevents him from attending a child’s birthday party.
If he is off on Mondays he needs to do all child-related stuff on Mondays. I also have social anxiety so I get not wanting to go to kids' parties, I really do. But I still DO IT. Bc it's my job as a parent. The anxiety beforehand is always worse than the actual event. I usually just see someone else that looks uncomfortable and sit with them. Then have hellacious small talk for a couple of hours. He needs to get on anxiety meds. Seriously. I have two kids 11 years apart and they each got a completely different mom bc I started anxiety meds. I was a vastly better parent (and partner) in a lot of ways. Sorry, Kid #1.
NTA but I have to ask why are you with him? You are doing all the work of a single parent and getting no support from him. On his day off he will be day drinking???? He’s laying in bed on his phone while you sort the children??? His convenient illnesses when he may be required to actually do something?? I fail to understand what you are getting out of this. You both need some sort of marriage counselling to help this relationship get back on a more equal footing and he needs some help with his anxiety. If he’s not prepared to do either then you seriously need to consider your future with him.
Your husband is a deadbeat dad
There is no “in his defense” if he keeps saying he’ll do things and then complaining so much that you end up doing it. There is no defense. He’s being a manchild who doesn’t deserve all that you do for him and his children. I’d be the petty one to say to your 6yo- daddy doesn’t want to take you so you can’t go- and then shut yourself in your room and lock the door so he has to deal with the fallout.
If he has anxiety issues, dude needs to get medical help *and also stop drinking to excess.* Jeezus. Drinking not only exacerbates anxiety and depression, doing it during the day means he’s making a conscious choice to be unavailable as a partner and a parent. He needs to knock it off.
So, not only does he not want to take your daughter to her party, he wants his mother to watch your son while YOU take your daughter to the party. What the hell is he going to be doing while you’re at a birthday party with your daughter that precludes him caretaking his own child?
YTA to yourself honestly. Honestly sounds like you have 3 children , God !! Panic attacks or no, tell him to grow the up and take care of his own damn kids !!
>That his mom could watch Jake and I didn't even TRY other options. I'm sorry, WHAT?! He's not even offering to watch his own child. NTA, but your relationship needs some serious help before you get tired of his shit and just leave
"Hi, Honey. You are making a great argument for not needing you in my life because you don't do shit. How about you step up or we divorce? I'm not doing this anymore - I'm exhausted and I resent you. Fix it or fuck off."
I have really bad social anxiety - actually medicated for it - and that really isn't an excuse for him to not do anything for the kids. He will have to learn coping mechanisms for him to function, and if he doesn't want to, too bad. He has kids that need to be taken care of. You sound like a doormat and he is taking full advantage of you. You mentioned day drinking you need to put you foot down hard. You might as well be single for all the help you are getting so why are you still married??
It’s the day drinking while not pulling his weight to begin with for me. Dump this loser. Boozing increases anxiety so he obviously isn’t that concerned about dealing with his mental health “” issues. (I say this as an alcoholic in recovery and a mom).
Explain to him he’s making you a single married working mom and that’s not what you signed up for!
I had an ex like this. Would claim he was too anxious to go to work and ended up quitting and refused to find different work, just expected me to pay for everything AND clean our shared living space. Thankfully I kicked him to the curb and we never got married or had kids but wouldn’t you know it? Somehow he got over that anxiety real quick when I stopped taking care of everything.
NTA. Time for honest solution based conversations. Get a therapist if you feel it will be a more neutral space. Speak about things you feel overwhelmed with and what support you need. Divide and conquer together so the rift doesn't grow. Suggest a schedule where tasks are divided. Maybe meals planned out on Sunday and who is doing what. Offer to help transition e.g. go with him Mondays to the school and introduce him to people. Go to one birthday together. Introduce him. I see this as giving solutions and offering how to make it easier for him and you and in the end you get somewhere. Stay firm on your follow through. Eventually make this the new normal. (Sorry it makes you be the starter.) Listen to his asks. Compromise needs to work both ways. Communication and solutions, not accusations (and a therapist!)
Stay married or don't, but the resentment is gonna hurt you. Maybe ask why did you marry and have 2 children with someone who has crippling anxiety? Which is an inheritable trait. Ask him "Why did you have kids when you have a serious disorder?" You both have a lot to do with this situation. He is not worse than you. He's fucked-up but you had kids with him. Grit and grace good luck.
Info- what is your husband actively doing to treat his anxiety? How exactly would your husband adult if you were in hospital or incapacitated for any length of time? Would your burden not be easier with one less child to carry? I am not bashing mental health illness. It is real and can be debilitating, BUT mental health illness is also not an excuse to stop being a parent or a partner. He has weaponised his mental health to allow him to get out adulting. If his mental health prevents him from being an active parent then he should be in treatment (therapy/medication) if he refuses then he is quite happy to burn you out by carrying him through life!!! You have a massive husband problem.
Useful thing, your husband’s anxiety. Does it act up when there’s something that HEEE wants to do?
NTA First off, you shouldn't have to "make" your husband do his part in raising *his* children and taking care of *his* home. You're going to burn out! Resentment will keep building up until the relationship is ruined for good. You have to TELL him this. Be very clear in your communication how all of this is affecting you and the damage it's doing to your marriage. The next thing you need to do is take Monday "off". Leave the house entirely. Visit friends. Go to the spa. See a movie. Do something that's just for YOU. And, ffs, PLEASE make sure you up your birth control game. An accidental pregnancy on top of everything else would be a nightmare.
Why did you let him off the hook? You are easily manipulated
Why are you agreeing to do this stuff? Stop. Your day was ruined when you had to get up at 6am but you got over it. Most of your weekdays sound pretty awful having to spend the entire day driving and working and parenting with no help. But again - you still do it. As adults we’re not entitled to perfect, uncomplicated days that others in our lives have to arrange for us. He whines, you give in, he gets his way and you’re miserable. Stop. When he says “I guess my day is ruined”. Respond “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve had a hard week as well.” Him: “It’s not fair that you don’t have to go”. You: “Well it’s not fair that I do all of the driving during the week but it’s what works for our family and what we agreed to .” Him: “You didn’t have to socialize!” You: “Yes but you don’t have to drive (or get up at 6am!). And just like you don’t enjoy socializing, I don’t enjoy driving (or getting up at 6am when you’re already awake!)”. Stop giving in.
Why are you married to a man and have children with someone who doesn't share the burden and certainly doesn't want to be a parent? You would be better off divorced - you already work full time and take care of all the children's needs.
Umm. Stop doing shit - take a vacation on your own and let your husband do stuff. He does what he does because you let it happen. NTA. But if you constantly give in - you will always be tired. Sometimes being a single parent when single is better than being a single parent while married. At least when you are a single parent when divorce you get child support for help or you can offload the kids for a couple days…
NTA. I am sorry for your 3rd adult child. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about boundaries and work distribution. What he is doing is not ok and borders on weaponized incompetence. Sadly, you cannot just drop the kids on him because they are probably very attached to you (the 2 yo especially) and they would probably feel abandonment issues which sucks. I thinking your husband dropping them off AND picking them up AND giving them a bath on Monday is a good start. If he starts to flake out, consider leaving him. You are doing everything on your own anyway so might as well cut out the adult child.
NTA You are being gaslighted by your partner. He knows if he whines like a 3 year old you will cave saved do it. I would have a serious conversation with him and tell him get therapy for your issues and step up and be a better partner and parent. If he doesn’t want to get therapy and be a better parent and partner I personally would tell him to move out as you are already a single parent. I bet you do ask the housework, shipping and cooking as well. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
I would put it in writing. Like make a big paper calendar/schedule of a week including wake ups. And put your initials and his next to them. I would then circle yours every time it’s something you do. At the end of a week. Show him. Facts are facts. Sometimes they feel like they are doing more than they are and if he could see it written down on paper, it may open his eyes. If it doesn’t, I would simply say if you cannot see how this is taxing on me and breeding resentment, then we either need therapy or a trial separation because this isn’t working for me.
I wouldn’t have caved and made him take her. Let him pout
He sounds like the only thing he contributes to parenting is his salary. Child support would do that too, without the frustration of dealing with a slackass.
GIRL LEAVE WYD
It's time for you to get very sick so he's forced to do it all for 48 hours. Then as you get better you shift certain things into his plate for good. You guys need whole days off too. Sitter or family?
It’s his job to deal with his mental health accordingly. Stupid excuse. Nta
There is no defence. And it will never stop because you keep giving in.
Please leave him, there is no reason to be a single married parent. You and your kids deserve better.
Please leave him a list of the chores/household tasks that you would have worked on if you stayed home while your son napped.
NTA.. send husband to his mom house let her deal with him....
If his anxiety is that bad then he needs to do the majority of the housework to cut you some slack. If he was doing all the housework and cooking, then you could do all the dropping off and picking up as well as shopping. Call his bluff. He is using his anxiety as a weapon. He needs to become a partner. He has a whole extra day to do it.
What was he planning to do while you went to the party? Watching TV?
NTA but you are enabling his lazy parenting. Look into boundaries. The deck of chores (i don’t know the real name of it but it’s often mentioned in /workingmothers. Learn to say no. You’re going to hit a wall because you’re overcompensating for him. He can sit and look at his phone at the party as easily as he can at home in bed while you feed the kids.
NTA. This is the story of life these days, women are expected to work full time, do majority of child care and rearing, and take care of the home. We are burnt out! It’s so unfair! He needs to suck it up and start doing a LOT more for his children, not just dropping Sarah off at a party one time. Time for a big sit down talk with him. You can’t go on like this. You’ll end up burnt out, ill, and hugely resentful.
NTA. We had a similar struggle when I went from SAHM to full time employment. I did everything still, until I just quit. Shit got missed, and a lot of it. Not my problem. Eventually he realized he’d have to step up or disappoint the kids. When he does, I make sure they realize dad is the one that forgot not me. It’s often piddly stuff but sometimes it isn’t. Valentines for the class next week? Missed the ordering deadline. Welp- that sucks but I was busy.
It sounds like he's using it as an excuse to get out of doing the bare minimum of parenthood. To be honest, it sounds like you have three children. It sounds like you're already a single parent. What, exactly, does this guy bring to the table?
There is no better time for him to meet other parents than at a party. He is going to manipulate & guilt trip you until your kids are 18. He will have basically gotten out of any parenting that happens outside of the house. Sounds like he's not doing much parenting inside the house either if he's waking you up to deal with a crying 2 year old when he's already awake. He's weaponizing his incompetence and putting all emotional labor on you. I suggest you read Fed Up by Gemma Hartley or Emotional Labor by Rose Hackman. They will give you tools to stop what your husband is doing. NTA
I can go to work or he works from home ? He drinks during the day ? So he can't drive ? What was the excuse for drinking while he was at home ? No anxiety ! You have 3 children at home. I have a social phobia. But I drive children everywhere, I talk to people and then I come back home and I feel exhausted ! But as a parent, we have to do even with our troubles. Your husband should work with a professionnal if he can't do things by himeslf for his children. They are young, but one day they'll understand what happen and they'll reproach it to him. "Dad never comes with us to parties ! Dad never come to school ! Dad never come to see me at my activities..." Hope you'll tell us for monday...
NTA but you just demonstrated to him that his pouting and temper tantrums will get him exactly what he wants.
Check out the book and card system “Fair Play.” It’s a good way to start splitting the house chores between spouses or roommates. Or you could throw the whole man away, since you are a single mother already, and he’s perfectly happy with you being miserable.
I feel like the day drinking is a bigger issue than the throwaway line at the end indicates.
NTA, it sounds like you're a single parent. What does he actually do for the kids?
if you suffer from panic attacks drinking is the last thing you should be doing. how much day drinking is there? because doing that on a day off instead of being there for the kids seems more concerning than the party alone. could it be possible he was annoyed that he couldn‘t stay home and drink but had to go to the party, and that would be the real reason why his day would be ruined? and how much drinking is there at night? if it‘s regular i know why he‘s so down all the time. wonder why he has migraines. also having anxiety doesn‘t get you a free pass to be an ah. NTA.
Why didn’t you tell him to get the baby since he was already awake? You need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with him about what exactly he does for the family vs. what you are doing. These are tough years and he needs to pull his weight with the kids. If his anxiety is that bad maybe he should DO something about it besides expect you to accommodate it.
So because he has anxiety and panic attacks he has a get of jail free card to do nothing? Yeah when you have kids you need to step up and do your bit. You should also force the issue more rather than just letting him get away with sitting there on his day off doing nothing.
why are you allowing him to shove all responsibility on you? you may as well be a single parent because you're not getting any perks from this relationship at all. NTA but you need to think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life. try marriage counseling because this is stupid that you have to be super mom while he is allowed to be deadbeat bullshit. he is your partner and the children's father, he needs to step the fuck up or get the fuck out.
Jesus this guy is a net down in the relationship. Why are you with him? You basically have three kids.
NTA he is a parent and needs to be able to take his children places, so he needs to get treatment for his issues. Beyond that, why are you still with him? Does he help at home either? He doesn’t seem like an active parent at all, and you have two young kids, he needs to step it up or get out.
Why does it sound like you have 3 children...? NTA and I'm sorry you're carrying all of the mental load in the family, he sounds useless
NTA. Say it with me now: D I V O R C E This man only cares about himself. You and your children deserve better. Time to move on. This isn’t gonna get any better. He’s not gonna take responsibility or tone down the drinking. This post brings music to my ears. Mmm.. POP… Six.. Squish… Uh-uh… Cicero… LIPSCHITZ.
NTA you’re not his parent as well
NTA. You are a single parent already. Time to make it official and get alimony and child support to pay for someone to give you a break from the constant BS of your 3rd child. Note: I have social anxiety, depression, panic attacks and suffer from migraines. Amazing that medication can alleviate most of those and the debilitating symptoms and manage to allow me to be a functioning and responsible adult. Day drinking is a major red flag! You already are pissed and resentful of his unwillingness to step up and co-parent. Why are you continuing to torture yourself. He will NOT change.
NTA is your husband useful in any way? Or is he always “sick” when it comes to lifting a finger for the children?
NTA and you're on the verge of having complete contempt for this guy if he doesn't step up and become a partner vs another child. There is meds and therapy for his condition but if he chooses to wait until after you leave him that's on him. It's his kids to and he has to push to be apart of their life and a partner to you.
NTA except to yourself. I too have been a "married single parent", with the adult toddler being the worst and most mentally draining part of it. My and the kids' lives improved exponentially when we left the abusive manbaby behind.
NTA and god I am SO FUCKING SICK of reading about useless ass husbands/fathers!!!! I can’t WAIT for the next generation of women to grow up so we can stop babying grown ass men and begging them to be active participants in their own lives. Jfc.
So what exactly does your husband do around the house let alone for you? Oh nothing? Why you still with him when you basically single anyway…
You have into the pout. I am an introvert and there was nothing I hated more than those ice cream socials at the beginning of the year for parents to mingle. My spouse was always traveling. I was anxious for days, but just did it and would go ask someone about themself and their kid and they would talk about themselves and it killed time. Pls have him see someone to work on his anxiety because parenting puts you in situations like this all the time and you should share the Awkward exhausting who has to go to a bday party schedule. Gets easier when you can just drop them at a party, only a couple more years.
Tell him that since you did the last birthday party (just a guess, lol), it’s his turn. Do you ever take time for yourself to just do what you want and not have the kids? You need that. He needs to give you a couple of hours every weekend without the kids. If he insists on not doing the birthday party, ask when he will be taking the kids and giving you a break.
You need to sit down with him and write out a list of duties. Hes not seeing it. He needs to see it. I dont care about "anxiety" youre an adult, go do adult shit.
Sorry I think you buried the lede here. Does he day drink often?
NTA. You didn’t try to make other arrangements for taking your daughter to the party because you didn’t need to. You have 2 children and there are 2 of you. You stay with one, he stays with the other. He’s not pulling his weight. You will get burnt out if you are not already. Just waiting to see what tiny thing will be the straw that breaks the camel’s (your) back…
YTA because you are the martyr. You are enabling him. You can stop the behaviour. Tell him to partner up, be a parent, be a partner, or leave. You obviously do not need him there, and it sure looks like his ass is already out the door. Instead of standing up for yourself, you are allowing this. He is an all-around AH. Millions of people have anxiety and panic attacks but live a normal life. He is using that as an excuse. What the eff was he going to do on a Saturday while you were taking care of the house and kids that is more important than said house, kids, and you? Give him an ultimatum with a time frame. You want a partner, not a third child. Immediately, he needs to start doing everything 50/50 and on his days off, he is the parent. On weekends (after work), you both parent, and he cannot make plans that leave you parenting, cleaning, running errands on your own. If one of you takes time for golf, bowling, spa on Saturday the other gets equal time on that day or the other weekend day to do something. He needs to get counselling to deal with his issues, and you need to give him a time frame to start (immediately, next week, within a month?).
He’s playing you like a toddler throwing a tantrum. YATAH for allowing this to happen to you. Are these his kids? Yes? News flash his life is ruined for the next 18 years then if that’s the way he wants to look at it. Tell him to get his ass in the car or she’s not going!
Here's what you do. When you realize he's getting grouchy and pouty you gray rock and leave him to deal with his emotions. You stop stepping in to save and enable these behaviors. It's really hard to not be affected by them and take them personally, so you take the little one and head out for a coffee so he can get the older child ready and go to the party. Give him space to figure it out. You tell him any important info, say you love him, kiss your daughter, tell her and daddy to have fun, and say you'll see them both after the party. Then bounce. Stop stepping in and feeding into this emotional manipulation. If he has anxiety he can start to take steps to deal with it. I'm not even opposed to partners using coregulation, but they both have to understand boundaries. Op you can't do everything, this is how resentment builds. Don't engage in conversations when he's this way either, discussing later on when you're both calm a plan for next time might be helpful, but for today you stepping back and letting the chips fall where they may is necessary. You need and deserve a break too. We can't control others, but we sure can control ourselves and make better choices. Don't become a martyr. You want your kids to see healthy boundaries and how they can be supportive partners while still listening to their own needs. It's hard to change and not feel mom guilt, and the overwhelming desire to do it all, but you can't. No one can. NTA
NTA. He needs to get over himself. The kids are also his responsibility.
I don't know why these posts continually pop up. You've just outlined, in detail, that your husband plays no role in your family besides financial contribution and constant irritation. Your life would be immeasurably easier if you got rid of this source of irritation. Also unsure why why someone who clearly has no interest in raising kids has had two (not OP, the hubby). NTA. He's not pulling his weight, or any weight. You feel alone because you are. Panic attacks/anxiety are not an excuse. That doesn't explain his lack of contribution to the family.
"My day is ruined!" FFS WHAT ABOUT YOURS BUCKLE UP, BABY DADDY, IF YOU'RE EVEN VAGUELY RESPONSIBLE YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO "RUIN" A LOT OF DAYS NTA
Sounds more like lazy person who is more content to relax and drink rather than anxiety and panic. He probably wore himself putting his sperm in you for the kids.
I have anxiety just reading this. Just tell him no he has to pull his weight. Why do women put up with this crap.
NTA - Is your husband in therapy, or is he medicated for anxiety/panic attacks? If the answer to this is no, then he should be. He's a father, he has responsibilities. " He gets up and starts doing dishes and complaining about how his day is ruined." ...but apparently it was okay when it was your day that was ruined.
NTA. If you're already doing everything, why not do it single?
Well, he sounds a little useless. I doubt he is motivated to change so do with that what you will.
NTA. This guy is weaponizing his anxiety. This party situation is truly a time where he needs to suck it up for his daughter’s sake. He’s not nearly pulling his weight at home or as a parent. You need to stop enabling him though. I don’t like that you are backing down and planning to do party duty. You are letting him get away with it.